#ivan being the best human ever ever

[a-star-that-burns-brightly]

[ content warning: discussion of in-canon sexual abuse ] Maybe it’s just because I’m not too active in the ALNST fandom and mostly observe from afar, but I think this fandom brushed aside way too quickly the fact that Till was sexually assaulted. I have never seen anyone talk in depth about like, what that actually means in terms of his arc and the storytelling of his character. Which I find deeply, deeply upsetting because holy fucking shit.

This man right here has been told, basically his entire life, that not only is he himself not worthy of being treated as a human, but that his body is not his body, but a piece of property that can be owned. And whoever owns his property can use it for whatever, and however they wish. Now, dehumanization is nothing new or unique in this world, obviously. The very concept of Pet Humans is dehumanizing by nature, leaving all six of our main characters as victims to it, even those who are more well-off like Mizi. But Till is a specially fucked up case almost distinctly unlike the rest, because he is actually treated like a fucking dog.

(x) Ivan: If you keep rebelling like that, they won’t ever remove your collar you know? Till: This annoying bastard… — Ivan: I told you so, didn’t I? You didn’t listen? Till: This annoying bastard... (translation courtesy of @leiikos on youtube)

(x)

An unruly animal who needs to be leashed up and put in it’s place. Animals, as is common knowledge, are not on the same level as a human being. But they are ordained to follow the commands of those above them. And if someone (thing) isn’t doing as it is told…

It deserves to be taught better. But I’m getting ahead of myself. This is the mindset that has followed Till his entire life by the ones who were supposed to take care of him. He is not human, even less human than the existing inhuman. He is a pet, even more so than the other pets, an animal. A thing. Property. Something to own. And the best thing about owning something?

You gain the ability to do whatever you want to it. Till’s body was not his from the start. It was used as something to toy around with, experiment with, to train and train and train, presumably for his whole life. His body, his skin, his flesh and bone and blood, it was all nothing more than a plaything. So what if he screams? Just ignore it. Or don’t. If this competition has taught us anything, voices have the most value of all. On top of it being reinforced that Till is not deserving of humanity, he is also not deserving of his bodily autonomy. People are free to do whatever they want with his body because it’s not his body, it’s theirs. And that brings us, finally, to the scene itself

He can’t sing her song, he refuses to. This isn’t the first time he’s refused to do something, far from it actually. What was once an innocent puppy with dilated hope in his eyes has grown into an angry, disobedient mutt. And we know what happens to an animal that refuses to do what they’re told. But there’s something interesting about dogs, or rather about the ones they descended from, the wolf: When the circumstances call for it, they will bite the hand that’s supposed to feed them.

And here is where I intrude to remind you that this is the only time we see anyone physically fighting back against the aliens in the confines of Alien Stage. We see Hyuna and Mizi fucking up aliens in All In, but that was after they had escaped from the cage. And you could make a case for Mizi trying to escape the grasp of the guards that grabbed her in Ruler of My Heart, but from what we saw she didn’t actually lay a hand on them and more so just tried to force herself out of their grasp. though if you disagree with me on that that's fine Here though? Till has this bitch’s face grabbed into his palm with a bottle in hand ready to smash it directly in between it’s eyes. I consider this to be the first act of physical violence shown against the aliens within the uncomfortably tight enclosure. And it’s triggered not because of anything personally done to Till, which on its own could probably fill a list that reaches the ground. But because of the prospect of Mizi being dead. Till knows that this place is shit, that his life is shit. Said so directly on his profile.

Dislikes: Everyone, including Guardian Urak (translation courtesy of @kh47uo on twitter)

But he stays regardless because Mizi is there. If Mizi is dead, Till has absolutely nothing to lose…Right?

I can almost imagine him thinking: There’s nothing you can put me through that’s worse than every other way you’ve hurt me. …But there was. Oh there was.

A final, disgusting message to the pet to put him back in his place. Back on his leash. Making sure he will never forget where he stands for the rest of his days.

And that is really what the sexual assault of Till represents to me. It is a cruel reminder to Till that fighting back is impossible, having hope, being free, it might as well be a fool's fantasy. He will always be less-than-human, less than anything. His body will always be the property of the ones that were supposed to protect him, claimed, and then used used used until it’s worn out and dead.

And the aliens chose to exemplify that fact in the most direct way they possibly could.

So what if he screams? Just ignore it. Or don’t. If this competition has taught us anything, screams have the most value of all

[sadokasochism]

So I have a running interpretation of Mizi as having been quite sheltered as a result of her relatively comfortable life as a pet, hence her being a bit delusional in her and Sua's interview before Round 1 and her shock at Sua's death, despite the humans all knowing that the loser dies in Alien Stage.

Now I'm onto the implications that this has for the whole conga line of longing between Ivan, Till, and Mizi:

The fucking tragedy of Till falling in love with the one person who didn't have a reason to escape or intervene.

Mizi had a good life and was never exposed to the same pain and suffering the others had known.

Sua is implied to have had a pretty empty life as a pet, being treated as an object by her owners, and being very emotionally withdrawn as a result. However, she also didn't have the drive to leave, as the one person she cared about seemed so happy here, and Mizi's dreams were all about singing together and fulfilling the wishes of their owners.

Ivan had known suffering before being taken in by his owner, and even though his life was relatively good as a pet, he still knew how precarious that position was, and besides he had to watch Till be horribly mistreated by his owner. He had enough reason to want to get out of there.

But Till loved and wouldn't leave Mizi, THE ONE PERSON WHO WOULD NEVER LEAVE. So he didn't go with Ivan when they had a chance to escape, he stayed. And Ivan stayed too, because he wouldn't leave Till.

And by extension: the tragedy of SUA falling in love with someone who had no reason to leave, and Mizi falling in love with someone who couldn't see past the world they were trapped in.

Following this interpretation, this is one angle to Ivan's judgement of Sua that I'm stuck on.

Ivan TRIED to break Till out so the person he loved wouldn't have to suffer anymore.

Meanwhile, the best Sua could come up with was following the path laid out by their alien owners, and then dying instead of Mizi.

Sua only aimed as high as the best outcome that their society could allow them, while Ivan was willing to deviate entirely. The only thing that stopped him was Till running back to Mizi.

He could be thinking "the person you love would have followed you anywhere, and the best you could do is die? You couldn't imagine a future with both of you alive and happy? You had everything I ever wanted, and you threw it away."

[redrandomposts]

till narrowly missing ivan in every universe, either literally or figuratively, makes me giggle and cry at the same time AUUHSHSJSH if he was a regressor/reincarnator and og/alnst!till was watching his later incarnations, mans would be bald from tearing his hair out in frustration

"LOOK BACK MF LOOK BACK, YOU JUST MISSED HIM"

"THATS NOT WHAT HE MEANT AND YOU KNOW IT"

"NOW IS NOT THE TIME TO HAVE YOUR NTH SEXUALITY CRISIS, IVAN IS MOVING AWAY TOMORROW. MOVE IT"

and imagine his previous incarnations from other failed lifetimes watching the current lifetime with him and theyre all in the same frustrated state 😭

"can we PLEASE have one lifetime where we dont end up breaking his heart ? can we PLEASE—"

— 🌦️

HAHAHAHAHA LMAOOOOO

doomed lovers and tills watching it all happen, kicking and screaming

everytime an incarnation pops up in their little hell, he is kicked and beaten up and treated as a less-than-human being until the next one meets ivan. and then they're too focused watching how till (yes, that's you, a dumbass) misses every smile and glimmer of eyes and heartbreak that ivan shows.

"what the fuck?! what's he doing?! ivan is right there, don't go hitting on her - fuck! who is that idiot!"

"that idiot is you! do you remember how you made ivan your best man at your wedding?!"

"says the one had an arranged marriage with him then went to war and came home in love with a nurse!"

"all of you are idiots!"

and none of the tills know og till's backstory. most of the time he's writing songs and playing the guitar, as all of them do, but in a more extreme way. there's a little library with all the songs the tills have made, each shelf a different life. og till's is a whole bookshelf, but the ones about ivan only starts after he first appeared here.

(there's also the songs each and every ivan has made about till, for till, to till. those are treated much better than the ones the tills haphazardly throws into their respective shelves. they're encased in gold and glass, just as unattainable as ivan seems to be.)

extra reactions according to some of my aus (except it's all the bad ends and ooc??):

omegaverse

"...what the fuck?"

"WHAT'S A PHEROMONE?! ALPHA? THAT'S SO CRINGEY? WTF"

"GUYS!!! IVAN CAN BE PREGNANT-"

"-SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP-"

"holy fuck"

"it was indeed a fuck"

"did you know ivan could moa-"

"fucking hell we're all tills we're all here we all know!"

"BLOOD! GET A TISSUE YOU FREAK-"

"HALF OF US HAVE NOSEBLEEDS WDYM"

"please please please till hE IS PREGNANT-"

"..."

"what the fuck."

"HE'S DEAD?"

"guys i don't ever wanna get ivan pregnant if that's what's going to happen"

android au

"...he owns ivan..?"

"THAT'S NOT FAIR?? WHAT DID HE EVER DO TO DESERVE IVAN??"

"surely they fall in love, right?"

"don't fucking jinx it, you moron!"

"ivan's so cute... look! he's cutting the veggies into flowers!"

"hey! till! say thank you to ivan!!"

"ugh, can't he just get out the studio so i can see ivan??"

"till, can't you just be a stay at home musician?!"

"aww!! aren't those flowers in the stitching?"

"oh my god ivan hand sewed him clothes?!"

"that's not fair! ivan! you can't just give things to the idiot! or else!! ...or else."

"...you fucking jinxed it!!! ivan!!! you can't die!"

"how'd i know that they'd just shoot and never stop shooting?"

"WHAT IS WRONG WITH THEM??"

"i'll fucking BEAT THEM UP I SWEAR."

"??? why's he only just checked the cameras now since he got ivan?"

"...ivan's voice is so heavenly."

"..."

zombie au

"is it another boring one? haven't we already seen till and ivan have normal lives and drift apart or something else?"

"maybe this time, till will..."

"shut UP! CROW'S MOUTH, I SWEAR"

"nevermind that is nOT NORMAL FUCK"

"OH MY GOD HE IS ROTTING AND MOVING??"

"IVAN GET AWAY FROM THERE -"

"...ivan?"

"FUCK! HE DID IT AGAIN!"

"TILL YOU FUCKER GO BACK FOR HIM!!"

"...at least we still have ivan."

"...and till knows he loves ivan."

"...and they kissed."

".....oh fucking hell, why are you so happy?! ivan's basically till's dog! till doesn't deserve him!"

"well, as long as they cure ivan, they'll be together for real, right?"

"..."

"YOU FUCKING JINXED IT-"

"WHY'D THAT RANDO JUST SHOOT IVAN???

mermaid au

"oh my god he's a fish -"

"- ivan looks like a prince!"

"??? how can you be so rude to ivan!"

"why are his thoughts so weird? ivan's a human, not some pearl! he has dignity!"

"he's much better than some pearl, too."

"till knows he loves ivan, right??? surely??? with those thoughts..."

"i wanna see ivan's eyes...."

"i wanna see ivan's smile..."

"fuck! till, just speak to him god damnit!"

"oh my god!!! ivan!!!"

"??? where's his fishy parts?? ow, don't hit me-"

"...he looks so fine."

"hey! he's sixteen! you are definitely not sixteen, you fucking homewrecker!!"

"homewrecker?! i didn't cheat!!"

"you wrecked your and ivan's house life!"

"what?"

"where'd the letter come from??"

"how's there sea foam???"

"IVANNNN!"

"HE'S DEAD? JUST LIKE THAT?"

"HE DESERVED MORE YOU FUCKER-"

===

anyways im going to edit my masterlist to be better ig

[bluemoonscape]

Thinking about the Mizisua and Ivantill merch cards again (sedate me)

These ones.

I already have a post discussing the difference between Ivan and Till’s anguished looks and Mizi and Sua’s more… resigned ones, is the best descriptor I can think of. Attached to these cards is a message about these four characters and their attachments to one another: hate is such a simple emotion, it says, as compared to something as complex as love (paraphrasing obviously).

With the post R7 Patreon confirmation of Ivantill being a mutual love-hate relationship, this quote makes quite a lot of sense for them, and in obvious ways, too. They recognize a kindred spirit in one another, and while Ivan attaches himself to Till because of it, Till pushes him away. This is the tragedy of Ivantill and we know this.

But what about this applies to Mizisua?

Because of Sua’s short time in the series thus far, we don’t get a lot of Sua’s internal thoughts or feelings about… anything. The Sua comic with her sister was the most we’ve ever gotten, I think, and it was beautiful and very telling about her character. Mizi truly is her love, her universe, her paradise, her light in the dark. She loves Mizi with her whole heart. There’s no denying that.

But Sua is only human, and she has the capacity to be bitter. She has the capacity to feel something as base as hate.

Maybe a small part of her loathes that very same innocence that she fosters in Mizi until the very end. Maybe a part of her, like any abused child would, felt envious of her naivety throughout their childhoods, disgusted by it, because here Sua is, this girl who knew exactly what was going to happen to her from the time she was young, and here’s Mizi: Blissfully ignorant. I’d imagine that drew Sua in as much as it burned her. Mizi could never fully see or understand Sua. Sua was always trying to do the impossible, always trying to preserve that innocence.

No matter how much it haunts her, no matter how much she might wish to shake Mizi and scream and cry at her to wake up, look around, this is our reality, wake up—she never could bring herself to do it. She held onto that secret until the very end.

So Sua’s object of resentment is also the thing she longs to protect the most. And Mizi? Mizi was kept in the dark. Mizi’s god kept her in the dark and then abandoned her when she needed her the most. Wouldn’t you resent that? Wouldn’t you hate that?

In the aftermath of Sua’s death, the barrier between them finally makes itself plain to Mizi. Mizisua, just like Ivantill, is doomed to miscommunication and deceit. Mizisua, just like Ivantill, is filled with both deep love and deep hatred—for betrayal, for ignorance, for deception, for tragic circumstance within each other.

[snownorites]

Some disjointed thoughts on Sua and her sister that I had yesterday cause I've seen some people on twt being really adamant that Sua was in the "loved before anakt" category and I don't think that's what the point of Heavenly Garden is personally

For one, I don’t think she's actually looking out for Sua here. (using WhataFruit's translation)

I think her intention was to make Sua feel bad about herself. The word choice is extremely deliberate: "you're so unkempt" "that is unseemly" "you're already dumb enough as it is". That last one is obvious but those first two I think are super important to understanding the kind of competitive environment "being" a doll must have fostered. She's trying to put Sua "in her place" here and make her feel like she doesn't actually deserve any of the favouritism Nigeh gives her because she's "stupid" and can't even play her part properly.

And Sua has every reason to believe what her sister tells her. Outside of her cruelty she's so nice, so gentle, she even plays with her and tickles her. Ofc Sua would assume that she has the best intentions and to me that's the point of why her sister acts that way. It's not about affection or love really, it's something closer to bullying. This way every insult, every instance of belittling however small stays with her and hurts her. Her pity of Sua may be "genuine" but it seems to be more mocking? Saying that she loved Sua to me feels a bit like buying into the performance.

The framing of the comic to me is also very interesting because the contrast between Mizi and Sua's sister is telling us that we need to consider their affects on Sua in relation with each other. Sua did not feel loved before she met Mizi.

Her saying this is supposed to show that her sister was all she ever knew in terms of human connection. "Back then" as in before meeting Mizi.

Sua thinks that her sister was actually the pitiful one all along but something really interesting is that it's not because she finally found self worth or because she knows that her sister was wrong about her being unkempt or "stupid", it goes right back to love. Her sister is pitiful because she didn't know love.

That heavenly garden, Mizi, loving and being loved. If Sua felt love before anakt I don't really see why it'd be framed like this.

And the thing is that love is a super big theme in Alien Stage. You could very well argue that this is just how her sister shows love and since we don't have her pov the way that we do Io's or Ivan's there's absolutely no way to refute that the same way there's no way to prove that. But to me including Sua in the same category as Mizi and now Till feels really disingenuous. Mizi and Till felt loved before anakt and carried forward that love in all their actions. Sua did not and her actions reflect that.

I think that Sua's feelings of self hatred are a pretty important thing to also consider when analysing anything to do with her (and I'll probably have to do a seperate post about that because this is already so fucking long lmao) People don't pay enough attention to this and how a lot of it comes from the bullying she experienced

Before Mizi, Sua was objectified by everyone around her, humans and segyein alike. And maybe her sister was different and we'll see that in another comic but to me heavenly garden's intention is to reinforce that this bullying wasn't just the very overt kind that's shown above. Like with the new Till comic, all the material we get builds onto each other, Heavenly Garden gives context to just how sinister the bullying was.

And I don't say all this to say that people are wrong about her sister potentially loving her, maybe she did, but Sua did not feel loved or experience that love. It's weird that I'm seeing more justification and rationalisation of her sister's behaviour than people actually taking Sua's narrative into consideration and trying to understand how her sister fits into it.

[k9punkout]

If youre still doing the ask game Ivan and Sua!

I LOVE THESE TWO

Ivan:

1. Why I like them

i love ivan because he's unsolvable. there is literally no way for anyone to truly grasp how he thinks and feels. even the writers have admitted to not truly knowing what goes on in his head, and i find that so insane. to create a character so complex that it alludes the CREATOR HERSELF??? genius. i love it so much. there will never be enough thought put into his character because no one will ever reach a conclusion that will concisely and accurately describe Ivan. not even Ivan himself.

I also love the way he displays how people can develop when they really just have No One. throughout his entire life, ivan has always been alone. never an available support system, never a parental figure, never a place for him to vent his emotions. this lead to an absurd personality, and an insatiable desire for attention. when ivan loves someone, he craves their attention so desperately that he doesn't care whether it's gentle or violent. it's just so. GHHRHRHEHH

2 . Why I don't

probably for the same reason that i DO like him. because there's no true way to understand him, i always feel like im mischaracterizing him in some way whenever i talk about him or make content about him.

i also think it's very tragic how despite all the complex layers he has, ivan remains static in terms of development. he starts off with the same ideas and behaviors that he dies with, and he dies in a colorful burst of his own bottled up emotions, aggression and softness intermingling; mourning, rage, sadness, wanting, and joy all becoming one singular drive to do the things he did.

3. Favorite lyric

"you can break me apart"

4. Favorite frame/screenshot

the tears in his eyes, the drool on his lips, the sweat, the way he's hugging himself looking dazed. he's lost all of his composure. he's in shambles.

honorable mention to this one:

fake ass idgafer i SAW you yearning

5. Favorite outfit

probably his black sorrow one, simply because i really like the sparkly gloves

6. Favorite official art

his skin being a feverish and saturated hue to emphasize his mess of emotions, the way it looks like he's trying to hold himself together but the cracks just keep spreading... YEAH. I LOVE THESE PHOTOCARD ARTS BTW

7. Favorite canon fact

he views sua as a little sister ☹️

he's so desperate for a connection it hurts

8. Favorite straight-up-not-canon headcanon

ivan's favorite class is music interpretation and theory because he wants to better understand the music till makes.

9. Favorite song/cover

it used to be cure but black sorrow has been growing on me as of late. that PIANO.

10. Song I want them to cover

ivan and sua blink gone cover would go INSANE. if not that, ruler of my heart and ivan would sound so good.

Sua:

1. Why I like them

i like how distrustful she is. how she completely contradicts everything everyone believes about her--but solely when she's with mizi. to everyone else who isn't more observant towards her, she's just an ornament. a doll. closed off and pretty, meant to be looked at but never to love, never to be loved. and then mizi completely shatters that side of her, reaches in and grasps the emotional, fun-loving side of her, and suddenly she's bursting with life, as human and happy as it gets.

i also like how sensitive she is, despite trying her best to hide it. she cries easily. she gets mad easily. she gets insecure easily. she feels, she feels so much, and it's barely hidden beneath her disinterested persona.

2. Why I don't

theres nothing that i can think of that i don't like about sua. from her impact on the story to her personality to her design, it's all so cool. so for this part im just gonna name a fault in her morality that i love.

she hid from the truth by ensuring mizi never found out about it. she couldn't see a way out, so she found a way to ignore everything at the expense of mizi's happiness. she went into alnst knowing full well what it would do to her lover, even after ivan called her out for it, and died the happiest she could have been.

3. Favorite lyric

"you hug me tight as if nothing happened"

4. Favorite frame/screenshot

the way Nigeh had complete control of her before she met mizi. SUA MY GIRLLLLL

5. Favorite outfit

probably her doll-like dress she wore as a kid. no regard for her comfort or convenience, only the aesthetics matter. (reminds me of till's metal shoes in round 6)

6. Favorite official art

the dullness in her eyes i actually cant

honorable mention to this one:

angel baby ☹️☹️☹️

7. Favorite canon fact

she used a flower that mizi gave her as a bookmark and she was so fond of it and and and

8. Favorite straight-up-not-canon headcanon

she doesn't ACTUALLY hate till and ivan, she simply doesn't want to get closer to them because she knows they'd remind her of how bad the real world is. she'll see it in ivans false smile and cynical observations, in the purple bruises and green patches on tills body. she wants nothing to do with it.

9. Favorite song/cover

MIZISUA CURE LITERALLY GIVES ME CHILLS. KILLS ME SO BAD EVERY TIME I LISTEN TO IT. the love in sua's voice is just so. oh my god.

10. Song I want them to cover

the aforementioned ivan and sua blink gone cover will be real guys TRUST 🗣️🗣️

[fountian-of-youth]

Dr.kraken's file

Former Name: Mikhail ivan sokolov

Current name: mikhail ivan Scott (only his husband is allowed to say his name since he's the only one who knows it )

Code name : Dr.kraken

Birth date: Dec 19 1969

Rank: all Access doctor /scientist

Age: 55

Appearance:

Species: cybernetic human

Abilities: use tendrils to pick up things / stab / crawl. Super human strength and speed , cross any kind of terrain

Weakness: his more human part are weaker and vulnerable, his pride and ego , his God complex

Personality; snarky and manipulative asshole who turns your words against you. Sadistic as hell only seeing people who don't agree with him lower than dirt to walk on. Pure evil scientist doctor

Additional information: he knows morse and nonbinary code , has huge knowledge of animals and biology. He has the fear of death

Backstory: growing up kraken was raised in a rich family only child to two wonderful parents who were advocating for echo friendly things. His father was a multi owner of tech companies that aimed to keep echo friendly.

While his mother was a fashion designer who reuse fabric and other things to not create waste unlike others. Both were doting and loving parents who loved their son to death. Both did their best to try and raise kraken right.

But ever since he came out the womb he had always been different ... .when he was four that was when he was officially diagnosed with autism. Now his parents were victims to the idea of the 1940 autistic views where it's described simply here

a lack of imagination, a lack of hallucinatory thought, a lack of creativity and a lack of dreams

Essentially his parents thought he was stuck being a child who couldn't think for himself or really become an adult who stride forward through life without their guidance. Which has the two trying their best to raise kraken but most times don't work as they couldn't properly discipline him without feeling guilty.

Of course kraken wasn't some empty husk , he was very much just a high masking autistic person. He was very scarily and supported by his parents into biology and science especially with animals and nature. He had grown up always watching those animal documentaries and became that animal lover kid.

Of course he took it more extreme, always asking what it would be like to have fangs of a snake , the ability to shoot blood out the eyes like thorny devils. Ect

This landed him as the weird kid in school where kids to teen years mocked and taunted him for being so weird. The highschool years he was very much bullied for having the name Mikhail because during the time he grew up. His parents fell for some scams landing them in being less rich and almost poor. Only thing keeping the family up float was the fact they could work many jobs in their field.

Due to being bullied and picked on it caused kraken to despise other people and see them as nothing but dirt to walk on. Focusing on his interests he was able to get into engineering using nature to fuel his works and machines while also dabbling in biology to craft serums and DNA extraction methods.

By the time he was an adult his parents had fully become poor and were living off government support to keep their son going to the colleges that accepted him for his strange smart mindset. Which kraken graduated with no problem and got himself into a science route job to earn stable earnings.

He became more sadistic when he turned 21 , where accidentally running over a homeless person led him cutting up the body and finding out how humans are not so different from animals ....and his deranged idea of immorality clicked.

"if death can be conquered...no one could stop me from pursuing answers to my questions "

He caught urban shade’s interest when he hit his late twenties (precisely around 27) showing off his methods. To prove he would do anything for the company called urban shade , he quite literally murdered his own parents and used their corpses to demonstrate how the DNA extraction works and how his version of administering DNA worked a bit faster then the current methods urban shade used.

Their last words to their son were quoted to be " "no matter what ...even now we still love you son "

Only for him to reply with "your love been nothing but wood to my fire , goodbye mum, dad may you rest in what ever void you seek " in the most sadistic and cold tone

Same methods used when z-13 was taken into custody for experiments . Kraken was 34 at this age and was not involved in the group that operated on the experiment. In fact he was doing his own project as he wanted to grant humanity the ability of immorality.

When he was around 53 he had made a breakthrough with his project called “ fountain of youth”. The serum was perfect and ready to be shown but needed time to set. So kraken took a day off to go and celebrate his success in the Philippines where unfortunately. A combination of accidentally getting tricked to eat some drugs and alcohol caused him to drive drunk.

Leading to a crash where he ran into z-013253 when the entity was still human and not in custody of urban shade. This crash has caused urban shade trouble to hide and cover up as they didn't want it to be public. Their scientist caused a crash being drunk and on drugs. This crash also horribly disfigured and left kraken in horrible condition where to be useful he paid with what money to get his body cybernetically enhanced to walk and move again.

He also has obtained the fear of death which spurred him to want to focus more on his fountain of youth project.

He was demoted down a rank to where he would be constantly supervised till he can prove he can make up for his mistakes with HQ and the leaders. During this time he would run into Damien Scott for one year spent as bickering enemies eventually falling for each other. The second year being married life.

When z-13 caused the breach, kraken was 55 and at the time his life work was supposed to be used to test on another subject. Leaving the precious serum of immorality in the hidden parts of hadal blacksite Lab. To get his work back, Kraken hired an expendable to try and get his work back when retrieving the crystal.

During this deal he found out the person aka allo nanol he crashed into was used as the cover up for the crash. To make the person pay he handpicked allo to become an Expendable with the paid expendable he sent.

This failed of course and caused kraken to be enraged knowing his work was just swept away. Later only to find out the person he threw under the buss , allo nanol, had been injected with his life work.

Now bitter and deranged to grasp immortality he chased after allo to get back what he wants and needs to obtain his chance at everlasting life.

[glubby-guppiez]

*Random TMNT 2012 (mainly side characters) hc's bcuz hyperfixation

*(this is the best divider to ever exist btw)

*Warnings: Spoilers for TMNT 2012 ofc, mentions of gender dysphoria and trans related insecurity, transphobia, accidental arson, bullying, manipulation, ptsd, also the tone of the headcanons shift randomly also also typing quirk

*Chris Bradford is trans. )(e did a full transition, he did hormones, voice training, top and bottom surgery, a few different surgeries to make him look/feel more masculine, all the bells and whistles, even went the extra mile to do procedures to hide his surgery scars. )(e's closeted and does about everything in his power to make sure no one even question that he was assigned female at birth because he's scared of his social image of being the great macho man, Chris Bradford, crumbling.

*Leo mainly or solely uses fandom and fanfic socials like Wattpad, AO3, Amino, Tumblr, and maybe Twitter. She mainly interacts with Space )(eroes and Crognard The Barbarian fan posts and shows a special interest in gender swap aus.

*Later on, post show with Muckman's help the mutants are actually able to freely walk around humans without them completely flipping out and starting a mob to witch hunt after them.

*Speaking of walking around humans, Napoleon and the frogs down in Louisiana are considered local urban legend and humans get really excited when they spot the frogs in the woods.

*Dr. Rockwell is a very big coffee enjoyer and used to secretly steal coffee from the nearby shops around the mighty mutanimals hideout and on the rare occasion when someone caught him and called him out he would always use the excuse of the shops being owned by big corporations.

*Don Visioso is a deadbeat father of 5. )(e also has had multiple wives and many divorces.

*Mondo Gecko will call people posers if he's jealous enough of them.

*Ivan Steranko is also trans but has only had hrt and face masculinizing surgery and refuses to get top and bottom surgery.

*Anton Zeck is incredibly smart and performed extremely well in high school and even got free scholarships for how well he did.

*Shinigami is a big video game nerd and will geek out if anyone mentions one of the games she plays.

*The reason Anton hated the mutant name Mikey gave him at first is because it either sounds a lot like or straight up is a nickname old bullies of him gave in order to make fun of him.

*Premutation, Chris acts transphobic towards Xever (despite Xever being cis) out of jealousy and insecurity.

*Baxter Stockman is either a gay aroace trans mspec nonbinary man or a cishet ally. No in-between.

*Mini April cluster!!!:

*April has a deep love for literature and writes poetry in her spare time.

*She almost burned down the culinary class in her school once.

*She's questioning aroace.

*She felt extra empathy for Muckman because he reminded her of Kirby a little bit.

*She likes to hide stickers around the lair whenever has them on her person.

*She thoroughly enjoys having long conversations with each of the individual turtles. (It's her favorite way to spend time with anyone tbh)

*April does eventually take some time to properly learn Japanese and becomes pretty decent at speaking and reading it.

*)(er and Donnie often like to geek out together whenever they find anything new about aliens (both species they haven't seen yet and ones they know well like the kraang).

*End of the mini April cluster!!!

*Kirby O'Neil is a pretty decent cook. That man can make a mean chicken stew.

*Shinigami actually owns multiple cats. 2 ragdoll, 1 sphinx, 1 Persian, and 3 British shorthairs (I could name them all, but I don't wanna). Also, the majority of them are black cats. She feeds strays, too.

*The last headcanon is much to Karai's dismay because she is somewhat allergic. She gets headaches, her skin gets slightly irritated and she gets the sniffles if she's around cats for too long.

*Casey's younger sister wants to be a hair stylist when she grows up, so Jones let's her do his hair every once in a while and he flexes it to every one at the lair like: "Oh? My hair? Yeah, my sister did it for me. Pretty metal, what she did with it, right?"

*Tigerclaw is the only Foot Clan member to not bully Baxter Stockman.

*Someone manipulated and lied to Alopex in order to make her hate and hunt down her brother.

*After season 4, Baxter Stockman leaves New York and takes over Stockman Industries. (If you're unaware of what that is, it's on billboards that the turtles pass throughout the show the most notable appearance being in the ending scene of the final season 4 episode, 'Owari'.)

*Slash deep down still misses The Newtralizer.

*Leatherhead kind of freaks out (apologies for the bad wording) when someone fully wraps their arms around his neck when hugging him because it reminds him of the restraints the Kraang put him in.

*Pigeon Pete learns how to bake so he can make his own bread.

*The turtles get a Wii (or whatever the universes equivalent is).

*Mondo Gecko gets an old Xbox and plays Tony )(awk games, Bully, and Twisted Metal on it.

*Ivan and Anton actually move out to New Jersey post show.

*Alr, that's all for now, toodles!!!

[ddarker-dreams]

Lock, what DO you love and like so much about Dostoevsky's work? I don't think you've ever talked about that. Please, I want to know !!!

^o^

(christianity mention jump scare below proceed with caution)

i thought this would be an easy to answer but figuring out how to put my feelings into words proved difficult .

the beginning is always a good place to start, so let's go with that. by chance, i happened upon this video on youtube and gave it a watch. about halfway in i decided i had to read notes from underground for myself. i struggled to understand what the narrator was trying to get across. the unique writing style, where the reader is addressed directly, as if in challenge, helped me preserve.

i think part of what makes his work special to me is his depiction of people. and they really do feel like people more than characters, even if some of their characteristics are unique to the era dostoevsky wrote in. everything else about them transcends time. i can see myself in some of them. whether it be the titular idiot, prince myshkin in his naivety; alyosha, who goes from devout to doubting; and ivan, whose bitterness toward religion masks his disappointment at the state of the world. 

that's why the brothers karamazov touched me in particular. for some context, i grew up in a christian household and was heavily involved in the church (american northeast white baptist strand of church). around when i was 11 or so, the introduction of left-wing politics through social media had me undergo a looooong identity crisis. these new ideas felt at odds with what i'd spent my entire life believing. what i grappled with the most relates to ivan's anecdote, the grand inquisitor, where the goodness of god is called into question. the bitterness, the disappointment from crushed expectations, all those sensations resonated strongly with me. reading it as an adult who (supposedly) 'healed' from that time period in my life was like opening pandora's box. i'd never seen my thoughts and struggles so accurately described, or treated with more than a 'his ways are higher than our ways' type platitude. i stuffed these concerns of mine away because they only ever served to make me feel worse.

i won't delve deep into the Depressing Lore. the only reason i mention it is to stress how profound an impact the work had on me. throughout the remainder of TBK (and in most of dostoevsky's discography), the best and worst of humanity is shown. our hypocritical nature, capacity for evil; nothing is shied away from or made more palatable. and yet, throughout it all, our potential for good is shown too. whether it be in the little acts or monumental self-sacrifice. sometimes those acts are honored, or ‘worth it,’ sometimes they aren’t. it’s cheesy but whatever i’ll say it — choosing to love and serve others is my greatest joy. i don’t really need a definitive answer to those problems i struggled with. that’s the takeaway i’ve had from his work. it might not seem like a big deal, but not feeling guilty for having certain doubts or anxious over those doubts never fully being resolved was. very significant for me. and healing (for real this time). 

so that’s the sentimental perspective GJSDLKFJS from my writer’s perspective, i can only describe him as brilliant. his grasp on the human psyche is incredible. he can accurately describe so many emotions, worldviews, and give the context necessary for each one to feel organic and real. it’s vivid, too, in a way i can’t properly get across. everyone’s unfiltered and messy. characters contradict themselves in the same sentence. they’ll murmur, go off on tangents, tell stories, misquote the bible (or many other significant works), and just be overall disasters. aka how people actually are. 

the man’s also funny as hell. the protagonist from crime and punishment has a mental breakdown spanning multiple pages over a sock. yes, there’s context, but that’s still the gist of things. then there’s the issue of the hedgehog in the idiot. hedgehog drama. 

ultimately, his work is so very human. there’s commentary on issues that are prevalent to this day, multiple centuries later. the topics he touches on tend to align with what i care about most. whether i agree or disagree with what i’m reading, there’s always something i glean from it. something meaningful that sits with me long after i close the book. i’ll mull over it and bother people in my vicinity until they mull over it too. no one is safe. whether it be a co-worker or my dad who drives noticeably faster to reach our destination and be free of my many questions.

i could keep going but this ended up being long enough GJSKDF i hope at least something here makes sense?>?? i apologize for the incoherent ramblings. it's what the dude does to me.

[shakingparadigm]

Op help me. At this point I'd be happy with a platonic MiziTill as well. Part of my brain doesn't know how it will work but I just want them to be at the bar in those human rebel areas and sob their drunk little hearts out. I just want the remaining babies to be safe and sound 😭😭

Platonic MiziTill!!!! It would make me so happy. I think Till is fixated on an idealized version of Mizi, the happy, bright, naive girl from the garden. If he ever sees her again, he'll have to come to terms with the fact that she's permanently changed and no longer the girl she was before. She's not his savior, she's simply a person trying her hardest to push through adversity after being down for so long. Because of this I think they'd have the potential to be very close. Right now Till is going through a process that Mizi herself went through not too long ago. The parallels between the two of them have become increasingly clear ever since ROUND 6. Both wearing black, losing someone close to them in white. Both have to face off against Luka while in a dazed and disassociative headspace. I 100% could see Till strangling Luka too. I genuinely think that Till is affected by Ivan's death (it's kind of hard not to after... all that) even if Ivan in his final moments believed that Till didn't care about him enough to be. I think Mizi would sympathize with Till and try her best to get him back on his feet just like Hyuna did with her. And speaking of, Hyuna knows all too well what it's like to lose someone, too. If they all managed to make it out alive (HIGHLY DOUBTFUL) I think they'd make a really strong bond. Right now, though, in their current circumstances... I don't even know if they'll be reaching each other any time soon.

[whizzinpast]

Lord, Give Me One More Chance

Prelude: Final Prayers

Rating: Mature

Relationships: Ivan (Alien Stage)/Till (Alien Stage), Ivan (Alien Stage) & Till (Alien Stage)

Chapter Warnings: Major Character Death

Chapter Summary: Till had only seen him as a corpse.

Read on AO3 / Prelude (you are here) / Chapter 1

Till didn’t believe in gods until he saw his first flower in Anakt Garden.

Gods were forbidden. Systems of belief were foundations of solidarity, and the segyein didn’t need human solidarity unless it tastes like entertainment. If it’s a big story broadcasted live across the entire supercluster and makes the skies rain money, you could worship the fish for all they cared.

Not Till, though. Till didn’t care about Anakt fish and their jagged, metallic teeth or gods. He scored himself a drive with the wildest tracks of human cries. He got smacked around for it, but it was still on him, so it was worth it. So worth it. Anakt Garden only ever taught the classics; pretty, resonant sounds smoother than nebulas that Till reiterated only because he had to. The theory was boring, the songs were boring, and his vocals were average.

What Till truly liked to do was hidden in the trees— crumpled paper wrapped around the thinner branches. He’d carry his writing tool everywhere, glued to his arm with medical tape under the sleeve of his shirt. He’d take it out when he discreetly plugs the small archive into the nearest system, and he’d listen to sounds that made him shiver. He didn’t think that humans could sound like that, like scraping tiles with the needle of a syringe, or that music could be the shriek of an electric, stringed instrument accompanied by beats so intense they’d rattle a spaceship. Bright, colorful lights, shiny boots with sharp heels, nets and flying tongues. It defied everything Till was taught about being human. These sounds, whatever they were, were alien.

He decided that this— this was music, and swore he would replicate it on paper.

Problem was, it never worked. Till never translated screams and groans and growls before. He had gotten so upset with himself he dug his teeth into the collar on his mouth for hours before he fell asleep in his confinement chamber. The lights would turn back on, his muzzle would be removed, and he’d scurry back to his tree where he’d scribble for hours. It was rinse repeat until his very first recital with the children of Anakt Garden.

Till was held back because they thought he would bite off someone’s hand if he joined, but he’d been more docile lately. Unbeknownst to them, it was largely because of his archive of ‘rock’n’roll’. It worked better than putting him under, so the caretakers read his behavior as a sign that he was ready to join the group. The muzzle was removed, and for once, Till didn’t run.

It was boring. It was painstaking and long. It was the best thing that happened in his life.

The children were lined up in a straight, horizontal row so their instructor could observe their movements and correct them if needed. Four kids down was a girl that belted out the chorus like it was her lifeline. She made the same old song sound like something Till could listen to a thousand times over.

Her hair was colorful and vibrant. It was pink, a diluted tint of the red blooms that crowned her head. He’d only seen the flowers on pictures, and nothing that colorful grew around his tree.

Till chased the petals that fluttered in her wake. He chased the whole damn crown when it slid off her silken head. It fell into a dark section of the Garden, a restricted area where hologram repairs were taking place, and he got smacked around real good for that.

It didn’t matter to him anymore because her name was Mizi. And if a god ever existed, then she was one. If belief was entertainment then Till was going to be the biggest act in the entire Virgo Cluster.

He returned to his papers invigorated, and the chaotic cries of his once Earth-bound brethren spoke to him like never before.

Day in, day out. Write the sounds. Draw the soft, divine lines of her face. Worship through song. Bite through the medical examinations. Build his way towards his first album. Draw her again when he needs inspiration. Bite Urak’s hand. Draw her one more time when the bruises make his head spin.

“You drew her wrong.”

Till jumped in place, bumping his back against the bark of the tree. Looking back, he noticed a kid looming over his shoulder, radiating warmth like a living boiler. He didn’t even notice him.

“What are you talking about?” He spat at him. His fingers tightened on his stack of drawings.

The boy raised his hand. He mercilessly pressed a finger against the outer lines of Mizi’s face and traced her jaw. “This part is longer now. It slopes down like this.”

“No, it doesn’t.”

“It does. She’s growing, so her bones grow in this direction—“

“I know how her face looks like.”

“Then why are you drawing her wrong?”

“I’m not drawing her wrong. That’s how she looks like.” Till twisted around to face the intruder, glaring at his black, black eyes. He was leaning, but Till could tell he went through a growth spurt. He’d grow to be tall enough to look larger than life if he straightened up.

He didn’t look phased by Till’s response. He wiped Mizi’s jaw with her finger, smudging the line.

Till slapped his arm. “Who are you?”

“Don’t you remember?”

“I’ve never seen you in my life.”

The boy bore his empty gaze into the drawing. Then in a quick motion, he pulled his pencil and a paper out of his grasp. He sprinted before Till could snatch his things back.

“Hey!” Till shrieked. Really shrieked. Like the shriek he made when Urak dragged him around by his hair.

He rose to his legs, his drawings fluttering out of his lap, smudged and forgotten as he chased the black-eyed bastard across the picturesque plains.

“Come back!”

They ran past the trees, past the children. The bright, saturated colors of Anakt Garden faded. The grass fractured. The sky lost its vibrant hues. Till found the thief at the glitched opening of the restricted section where he got into trouble. It was where illusion met reality. Green bled into gray, electric hums whirring from the maw of a tunnel that led somewhere beyond the Garden. Framed by its opening was the boy, laying on his belly, hunched over the stolen piece of paper.

“It’s just a pencil! Give it back!” It was the only one he had. He could’t get another one because the only gifts Urak gave him were claws and needles. The papers and the pencil were all he had until someone feels generous again. “Give it back—“

The thief rolled onto his back to raise his masterpiece above his head. Till could barely see it, but he felt his heart drop into his stomach when he saw a sketch of Mizi on the back.

The boy said nothing at first, too distracted by his creation.

“I practiced my signature for autographs, since I don’t have anything to write with except my fingers.”

Liar, Till sneered.

He looked around for signs of segyein, smelled the air for their scent. Red flowers littered the floor. Smashed red petals haloed the boy’s body as he continued to turn the paper around. When he was done, he straightened, then turned to show his work to Till— strange letters written in fancy script. Red blotches smeared the upper corner, faded and thick red strokes of segyein symbols.

“I tried using different means,” the boy explained. His grin was small and modest as he looked down at the pencil. “But I find the graphite much better.”

Till ground his teeth. The red against his paper was sending shivers down his spine. “Why did you do it?”

The thief blinked at him as if the answer was obvious. “I’m a needy believer. What else am I supposed to do?”

His answer didn’t make any sense. Till’s eyes were on the drawing in his hand, something that did make sense. One side had the repeated signatures filling the paper top to bottom. The other side had his smudged sketch of Mizi’s profile, and the bloody smudge bled through the paper, tainting her face like a terrible, mortal wound.

Till clenched his fists. He stomped towards the thief, smacking the paper out of his hands and slamming his foot against his chest. Now he was starting to look more familiar. Did he punch this kid before? Did the kid punch him back?

Till grabbed the front of his shirt. “I was fine. I was drawing her right. I was doing everything right. Why did you—“ The kid pushed him. Till lunged, his fists flying. He felt a crack. “Why aren’t you talking? You wanted a fight? You’re getting it! Look, you’re—getting it!”

He wasn’t fighting back. Till remembered he always fought back. The only time he had ever seen him smile was when he had his fist buried in Till’s side.

“Answer me! What’s your damage—“

The kid’s lips moved. Till paused. “What?”

“Smile for the cameras, Till.” The boy croaked, red dripping down the ends of his lips. “The stage is your altar.”

Till paused.

With a whopping score of eighty-nine points, Till is set to join us in the finale—

Red in the water. Red blooms on a white suit. Till’s fist was in the air, frozen after the third punch.

The boy’s jaw was sharper than he remembered. His shoulders were broader, and he would still be taller than Till if he stood up to his full height.

He was dead long before Till laid his hands on him, punctured by three bullets. Cold, wet and bloody, he laid under him like a fallen monument. Not even his fists could make him move again, even if it’s to block a punch.

Till watched the beaten corpse of a believer, his believer, as sentinels dragged it across the flooded stage.

He remembered his name.

“Ivan,” he muttered numbly. “The pencil, Ivan. You didn’t give it back. Hey. He has to give it back.”

But nobody listened. Nobody. No mortal or god.

“Give it back. Give it back.”

AO3 / Prelude (you are here) / Chapter 1

[monstersinthecosmos]

Daddy Kink in Gallows Bird

[read on AO3]

CW: Incest, noncon, TVA stuff !

Okay so. I’m in the middle of writing another meta about Daddy Kink in VC/TVA/B&G so please forgive me if this post or the other winds up being redundant, but in the middle of all the deep thinking I’ve been doing about that topic in canon, I also had some interesting convo in the comments of this fic, so I wanted to park this somewhere as well. I’ll try not to be too repetitive and I’m going to try to keep the convo focused a little more on the fic than on canon (to the best of my ability since they overlap so much!) because I wanted to talk specifically about the train of thought that informed the fic, and just take it with a grain of salt because it does veer into headcanon territory at times when I’m filling in gaps from canon.

Anyway so I brought Daddy Kink/father themes up a few times in this fic, here’s some examples (this might be all of them actually, I forget lol):

During Amadeo’s dream about being raped, that the smell of wine subliminally reminds him of his father, even though he can’t quite put it together.

Matteo commenting that Marius is Amadeo’s father (during sex, and implying that Marius fucks him).

The man at the party towards the end who is thinking about his own son while he eats Amadeo out.

Marius telling the men in the final scene that he and Amadeo are named Ivan and Andrei.

BONUS POINT, less obvious: Marius musing about Rome, the fatherland, and Roman storytelling trying to paint forefathers in a better light.

I admit that on some level this is not that deep lol it was just being horny and indulging in daddy kink, but like I do want my fics to make sense when it comes to meta and I did want it to be plausible with canon.

So off the bat we have to say like, VC vampires exist above social constructs anyway. Marius isn’t someone who’s going to get grossed out by crossing a boundary like this, in the same vein as Louis and Claudia or Lestat and Gabrielle. As vampires they do not exist inside familial structures anymore. So I think this is extremely present in the Venice portions of the books, that there’s this blurry line around father/mentor/maker/lover.

I also think about this part of B&G every day of my life:

And I, with all my power, and all my blandishments, could not replace Amadeo’s father in Amadeo’s mind. Why was I so jealous? Why did this knowledge sting me so much?

BONUS LINE IN NEXT PARAGRAPH: I loved Amadeo as I had loved Pandora.

I WANT TO BE HIS DADDY BUT ALSO HIS DADDY. I WANT HIM TO BE MY CHILD AND ALSO MY WIFE.

There’s just so much going on here!

Anyway so in TVA I think like, not knowing Marius’s POV at that point, Marius is having lots of mood swings, he can be hot and cold, at times sends Amadeo mixed signals. But in B&G when we get the insight, we learn how often he struggled with whether or not to turn Amadeo as he began to love him. (I think also a lot about when he tells Armand at the end of TVA that he sees Armand loves B+S more respectfully than Marius ever loved Armand!!)

And I want to like, balance this against Marius’s inherent selfishness with how he treated Amadeo, how he treated him like a pet or like a project. I don't think (in canon) he saw Amadeo as a full person, and it's why he interrupts Amadeo so much in the fic. Amadeo at this point in canon exists for Marius's own needs.

(Sidenote, when I was working on this fic and kept struggling with like, the POV of a Marius who doesn’t actually see Amadeo as a complete person, I kept using how I feel about my cats as a reference lol. Like I love them to death, I would die for them, but they don’t have a single fucking thought in their brains, they are little babies that I take care of bc they’re cute and I like having them around.)

I talk a lot about how I love Marius because he’s a flawed person; I find his flaws and missteps to be so human and relatable, like I too do my best to be reasonable and kind and patient and yet I do have a petty side. I can hold grudges. I think all of us are capable of acting selfishly.

Because like, his love of Amadeo is conditional, it’s like having a pet. In the book he keeps changing his mind if he should turn Amadeo or let him free to have a real life and we don’t know what his ultimate decision would have been because Harlech forces his hand. The question is: Would he have ever let Amadeo go?

He specifically chooses Amadeo because it’s someone he sees as a blank slate, A FUNERAL SPIRIT, someone on borrowed time. Marius considers Amadeo’s life over already, so this is all bonus for him. There’s never a question of rescuing him out of goodness and returning him to his home. Marius specifically chooses him to groom as a fledgling because he’s lonely, and he doesn't see Amadeo as a human with a potential life anyway.

So in the fic I tried to make this clear, all the times Marius wonders if he can keep Amadeo, even begging Akasha for a clue, and by the end he realizes he has to keep Amadeo because this experience has ruined him. He’s never going to be able to live a normal life now, and Marius knows it*. AS FAR AS THE FIC UNIVERSE GOES, we could ask the same, like, will Marius still turn him in this fic timeline if Harlech doesn’t show up, but I think he would.

*also as an aside, I wrote this fic to be like backwards engineered Devil's Minion, so I bring this theme up a lot in my Armand/Daniel fics, and the entire thesis of The Lotus Eater is that Armand was careless with Daniel and broke him, which is what Marius does to Amadeo.

Anywhoo, back to the daddy stuff.

Like sure yeah it’s just there to be horny because I think Daddy Kink is absolutely present in canon, but Marius is enjoying this game they’re playing, too, even if he’s a little too proper to admit it. He likes taking Amadeo out and getting to protect him. He likes indulging in the kill when Amadeo is fucking wrecked, like it’s a sex act they can share. He likes that their victims think he’s Amadeo’s father. It makes him feel powerful.

And towards the end, when they’re talking about stoicism and whether or not you can simply turn your emotions off, it also leads into whether or not Amadeo can make the choice to remember where he comes from.

Canon doesn’t explicitly say this so this is where fic headcanon comes in, but I wanted to make it that Marius can see into Amadeo’s dreams, and I implied that he knows perfectly well exactly where Amadeo is from. He knows about the monastery, he knows about Andrei’s home life and his parents, he knows their names! So every day that passes in Venice where Marius doesn’t offer this information, or bring him home, is another day he’s chosen to keep Amadeo, and is ultimately selfish.

On the other hand, especially once the fic starts and Amadeo’s memories start coming back to him, Amadeo knows that Marius knows, and he never asks.

This is of course like, dubcon territory of like, SHOULD AMADEO HAVE TO ASK? Is Amadeo’s fragile mental state a clue that he cannot consent or make informed decisions? Is Marius behaving badly by allowing this wounded child to make his own decisions, or as the adult/immortal, even as the mentor/father/lover, should he guide Amadeo to do what’s right? And what exactly is the right decision?

But from the moment Amadeo realizes that Marius knows more about him than he reveals, Amadeo never asks, which means he’s making a decision to stay in Venice. And like, the morally correct thing is not really relevant here when Marius’s moral compass is so far removed from human sensibility, but it also affirms his desire to be wanted. He’s happy that Amadeo wants to stay and wants to be his pupil and his baby boy, so he’s not going to challenge it.

And that’s why he drops the names Ivan and Andrei in the final sex scene, as a climax to all of this. It’s serves both as one final way to challenge Amadeo, to ask if he TRULY doesn’t remember, but also serves to take on the ROLE of Ivan. He wants to be Amadeo’s Daddy. And even though the men in the room are teasing him about how he’s not actually going to sell Amadeo, how Amadeo must be his favorite, how he must be a freak, etc, he still owns Amadeo in this sense, and it allows him another level of release along with Amadeo’s sexual release.

WELL. I hope that makes sense!!! It made sense to me at the time when I was writing it. I love these two dweebs, please talk to me about them any time!

[clumsiestgiantess]

MerMay AU part two! If you haven’t, go read part one here, and if you have (@corhyeline, @okbutwhy-rebooted, @idkorcare2007, @redrosesandcherrycandies, @sandwichmage181,

@thetinylittlespider) then here’s the promised continuation!

(original story here)

Paisley was just about as outgoing as I wasn’t.  It’s not necessarily a bad thing, though.  Nine times out of ten I enjoyed the places she took me to, even if she tended to bring me around more as a status symbol over anything.  It was strange how occasionally I’d forget about the little being in my room over the course of the party, and then remember her in a sudden burst of excitement.  I.. I have a tiny shapeshifting mermaid in my room right now.  Today is just too unreal.

On my way out, I’d stepped away from the party briefly to call Ivan and tell him everything was alright.  He’d been trying to call me since I disappeared with Eria, but I’d been a bit busy trying to heal her to see his missed calls.  I assured him the little being was perfectly fine; I’d patched her up and given her a place to stay until she healed enough to return to her home.

When both of us finally returned from the party, Paisley thanked me for coming and vanished into her bedroom while I slipped into my own room — eager to talk to the little being.  However, when I found her, she was leaning heavily against a stack of books on my desk, gasping in heavy breaths.  “There you are!” she wheezed, “I- I think this form might need water after all.”  I raced over to my desk, gently bringing my hands beside her as she collapsed into them.  

“Do you need saltwater?”  “Probably…”  Damnit, where do I get that?  Can I like.. make some with water and salt?  Eria gasped for breath as I ran to the kitchenette and stole a small fish tank full of water and a canister of salt.  Locking myself into my room, I poured out a good handful of salt into the water before releasing Eria into it.  “Why did I ever take this stupid form?!” she yelled angrily.  I hesitantly sat down beside her, “Are you alright?  Is the water ok?”  Eria submerged herself.  I could see her through the glass taking long relieved breaths.  She stared at me briefly after startling, then came back to the surface.  “It’s almost like breathing in a drink.. the water’s heavier than normal, but I feel alright.”

We were both silent for a moment — calming down after near disaster.  “I’m sorry,” Eria apologized quietly, “If I were in my normal form, I would know what to do — what I need.”  A small sob escaped her throat and she embarrassedly turned away from me.  “I want my old form.”  Gently, I slid her human torso between my hands, offering her a strange little embrace.  “The moment you heal up I’ll release you right back into that stream.  I promise.”  She nodded, quickly swiping tears from her eyes.  “I’ll even catch you as many fish as you want so you can choose just the right one.”

Eria clung to my hands excitedly as little pointed crab legs scrambled along the side of the tupperware.  “You mean it?”  I nodded, grinning down at the overjoyed little creature in my hands.  “Oh, thank you!  You’re the best human in the world!”  She scrambled up into my hand and snuggled against it, chest — and breasts — inadvertently rubbing up against my fingers.  I flinched so violently I nearly dropped her.  Eria froze, confused.  “What is it?”  “N- Nothing!  I just-”  Hesitantly, I slid my fingers away from her chest.  

“Ohhh,” Eria giggled, “That’s right!  You humans think exposing skin is like.. a mating thing.. right?”  My face grew hotter as she pressed her torso up against my palm in another snuggle.  “I uhh I- I guess.”  Eria’s amused laughter faded into bubbles as she slid back off my hands and into the water.  She came up a few seconds later — a large grin on her face.  “So wait.. do you like me in that way?”  Gathering up my pajamas, I pressed them to my face to hide how red it had gotten.  “I- I have to go.. get to bed.”  I rushed out of the room to the bathroom and stood at the sink — staring at how bright red my face had become in the mirror.

By the time I calmed down enough to return, Erica was sound asleep.  Her little body was curled up at the bottom of the tank.  She didn’t want this to happen to her — ending up in a tank.  Even if she can get out and walk away anytime she wants, she’ll still have to return to it to breathe.  With a light sigh, I flopped down into bed.  I was just relieved everything had calmed down.  Eria’s wounds were healing and she had a safe place to stay.  She was.. strange, in a mystifying way.  Do I actually like her?  Or am I just embarrassed because she’s such a fantastic creature and I’m just.. me.

The next morning, I went to check on Eria only for my heart to drop.  She was gone.  Did..?  There’s no way I dreamt that up, right?  Did she really run away?  “Alexis!” I flinched in shock — whirling around towards the noise.  Eria had somehow managed to climb all the way up my bookshelf, to a level that was just a little higher than my head.  “I can see so much from up here!”  Laughing in relief, I came over and leaned on the shelf.  “How long have you been up for?”  The little being shrugged, “Don’t know.  What are we doing today?”  Eagerly, Eria clutched the shelf below her, leaning out over the edge to look at me directly.  Like that, she was actually looking slightly down at me.

“I’m taking you home today!  I figured we can start at the beach and work our way back upstream to find where you came from.  I’ll carry you.”  Her eager expression briefly flickered on her face, but she nodded.  “Oh!  Right, of course.  Some food first?  Before we go?”  I agreed and held out my cupped hands, letting her step into them from the shelf.  We chatted all through breakfast, each learning little facts about eachother’s lives.  Even in the car, the conversation hadn’t dwindled.  I listened raptly as Eria explained the origins of her strange species.  However, once we got to the beach, Eria became strangely silent.

“Bad memories bugging you?” I asked her softly.  Eria flinched in my hands and looked up at me before quickly glancing back down.  “No.  Just thinking.”  I didn’t press her about it and instead slid her into a pocket so no one would walk by and spot her.  Only after I arrived at the place where Ivan and I had found her did I take her back out.  “Alright, you’re the navigator!  Where are we headed?”  Eria chuckled, “Where do you think?  The stream is right here; just follow it.”  “I know, but it’ll be fun!  Come on, guide me.”  Eria glanced back at me for a long moment, then gave me a toothy grin.

She guided me directly into the highest swampy grass she could see — to mess with my commitment, most likely.  I obliged, but after my shoe got sucked right off my foot by the sticky brackish muck, causing me to nearly tip over and send her flying, Eria righted our course with a brief apology.

There were a few different sections that Eria did genuinely have to guide me through, though.  Places where the stream parted ways and I had to pick a side to follow.  Briefly, I’d let her down into the water so she could get her bearings of where she was.  Then, she’d point out the right path and we’d be on our way again.  Once, I had to wade across the water to get to the other side and continue on.  I suppose I should be grateful that the water hadn’t gotten too deep yet, but my clothes were soaked, and the water was freezing.  After so long outside, it started to feel like Eria was directing me to the most obstructed ways possible.

“Are you sure we’re going the right-?”  “Yes, yes!” she shushed me, “We are.”  The sun slid across the sky until there was noticeably less light than when we’d begun.  I was starving and my legs had long begun to burn a while ago.  Finally, we came upon the origin of the little river: a large lake that split off into multiple smaller tributaries.  I blinked in shock.  “Wh-?”  

“I- I’m sorry,” Erica cut me off, voice wavering.  I could feel her heart speed up against my hand.  “This.. isn’t my home.”  I brought her to my face confusedly, “What do you mean?”  “I mean- I- I mean we passed the place that I live a long time ago.”  She began shaking — curling away from my fingers as if I would crush her out of anger.  “I’m so sorry!  Please don’t hurt me!  I just-  I wanted to stay with you longer!  My home where I live — it’s filled with life, but none of it is like you!”  She paused, blushing slightly.  “I- I mean none of it is very sentient.  It’s like.. normal fish and frogs and wildlife.”  Eria hesitantly chanced a glance at me, and I gently nodded for her to continue.

“Before I got washed away to you, I was fine living like that.  I didn’t want to talk or interact with anyone.  I liked having everything to myself.”  She fidgeted with her hands, turning to face me.  “Now, without you, I feel like I’ll be so.. lonely.  It’ll be just me…”  Eria slowly ducked her head away from me, whispering another apology.  However, I took her tiny arms in my unoccupied hand and turned her towards me.  

“Eria, you didn’t have to drag me all the way out here just to keep me with you,” I told her softly.  “You could’ve told me that at the apartment.  I can get you a big real saltwater tank, and we can be-”  “But I don’t want a tank!” she cried, on the brink of tears, “I just want-  I.. don’t know.  But living in a cage isn’t what I picture being a better life for myself.  It would be just as awful.”  My heart stung — wanting so badly to hug her, but she was still slightly shaking.  “I didn’t mean to keep you!” I gasped, appalled at the thought.  “I know,” she sighed, “But even if I’m free to come and go from it, I just.. don’t know if I could get the thought out of my head that it’s made for pets.”

Slowly, I lowered myself to kneel and gently brought Eria against my chest.  She flinched at the unforeseen contact, but as I slid a hand up her back — avoiding her bandages as I reached up and cradled her tiny head — she shuddered and sighed.  Gently, she curled up against my stomach and leaned into me.  “We can figure something out, I’m sure,” I told her, “I won’t force you to go back to a place where you don’t want to be, and I won’t keep you in a place that makes you uncomfortable.”  “Thank you,” she whispered.

Suddenly, Eria gasped.  “Wait!  Do you mind if I-” she paused mid-sentence.  “N-Nevermind.”  “What is it?  I’m sure I wouldn’t mind.”  She shook her head, “It wouldn’t work.  You live with someone…”  “She’s really sweet,” I assured her, “Even if she does find you, I doubt she’d hurt you.”  Eria shook her head, steadying herself with a quick breath, her cheeks beginning to flush.  “I meant..  Can I take you as a form?  If I want to stay with you, a human form would be best for me to take in such a human-friendly environment.”

I stared through everything for a moment, thinking hard. Take me as a form?  “But you have another human around,” she added hastily, “So.. it wouldn’t work anyway.  Just forget I asked.”  “It actually might,” I realized, “She’s been trying to get me to let in another tenant to help with rent, but everyone so far kinda sucks.  What if you pretend to be one of the candidates?”  Eria’s brows furrowed, “Will that work?  I don’t exactly pass for a standard human.”  She pulled back some of her tangled hair to reveal long pointed ears.

“Or.. we could just tell her.”  Eria gave me a concerned look in response, “Don’t make me regret trusting you…”  I sighed, “Ok, I won’t ask you to reveal yourself.  You can try keeping your ears beneath your hair.. and maybe don’t smile with your teeth?” I offered.  “What do you think about pretending to be another tenant?” She gave me a small smile.  “Pretending?” Eria asked me mockingly, “I will be another tenant, just not a human one.”  I laughed and released her to the ground.  “So.. are we doing this?”  She nodded, “If you’ll let me.”

“How does this work?  Will it hurt?” I asked, slightly concerned.  Eria shook her head, “My species has a slight toxin in our saliva, it helps numb the pain of the bite until we’re long gone.  Just- if you hold still and give me your arm — maybe flex your fingers a bit — I’ll be done before you know it.”  “Alright,” I held my arm out for her and Eria carefully flipped it over, exposing the underside.

Choosing a spot on my forearm close to the bend of my elbow, Eria brought my skin to her mouth.  Already I was slightly embarrassed, but my blush severely worsened from there.  The little being pressed her tongue to me and slowly dragged it across my skin — methodically licking up a part of my forearm.  I had to bite my lip from squealing at the sensation.  The spot tingled with an almost pricking feeling before going numb.  Eria pulled the limb up against her bare body and teased my skin between her teeth a few different times before opening wide and sinking her long fangs deep into my arm.

I stifled a gasp as her tongue pressed against me and continued to lick at my skin as her mouth stayed attached to me.  After a few stunned and furiously flustered seconds, Eria lifted off of me — sharpened canines sliding back out from within my arm.  I hadn’t even felt any pain, just the feeling of something piercing my skin.  Gentle touch alighted on the place where blood leaked very slightly from my forearm.  With a shuddering breath she pressed her lips against the little wound, lapping at the blood until it stopped.

“There!” she nodded satisfactorily, stepping back.  “I tried to keep licking you so the toxin will last longer.  That way you won’t be in too much pain.”  Eria looked up at me proudly, only for her pointed ears to flick backwards in worried confusion.  “Why is your face all red..?  Don’t tell me this is a mating thing, too!” she gasped.  Suddenly, Eria toppled to the ground with a small thud.  “Oh!  The morphing process is starting already!  Just-  Humans find this sort of thing gruesome, so do me a favor and look away, will you?”  I nodded — heart thundering in my chest in a previously unfelt concoction of fear and strong desire.

Already before I could avert my gaze she’d begun to change.  I’d glanced her skin rippling in waves across her body before I turned around.  Abiding by Eria’s wishes, I didn’t see how it looked.  However, it sounded horrendous.  I flinched every so often as the sound of bone snapping or flesh tearing rung in my ears.  I didn’t want to seem too squicked out by her, but at the same time, I just had to cover my ears.  The sound without any sort of visual was.. a bit much.

After a few minutes of kneeling on the ground with my hands over my ears, I felt a hand slide around my wrist.  Yelping in shock, I scrambled backward — pulling out of the unfamiliar grasp.  “No, no!  It’s- It’s alright, Alexis!  It’s just me.”  My mouth dropped open as I stared across from me at a.. a human Eria.  She slowly reached for my arms again as she pulled them to herself like I had done with her.  “It’s me.”

It was her, but at the same time, it felt like it wasn’t.  All the forms she’d taken had been much smaller than me, and her skin tone had shifted slightly lighter, as if the tiniest bit of my own pigments had blended with hers.  They had.  Still, the details of her face — albeit at a much larger scale, were still undoubtedly hers.  As were her silvery green eyes.  Snapping out of my stupor, I took one quick glance down her body and immediately turned away with a yelp.  I swear my head is going to explode if anything else happens!

Eria was now completely and very humanly naked.  I fumbled to take off my jacket as Eria chuckled.  “I really keep leading you on with all these human mating things, don’t I?”  I handed her my clothing blindly with my head still turned from her, but she didn’t take it.  I could hear her make a musing noise to herself and mumble: “Huh, so this is what female humans look like underneath all their fabric and whatnot…”

“J- Just take this!” I yelped, voice cracking as I shook my outstretched jacket.  “Oh!  Alright!”  The item of clothing left my hand and I peeked back at her a few moments later to find her struggling to put it on.  “Here…”  Trying not to stare too long at her, I fix up Eria’s outfit.  Thankfully, even in her human-ish form she’s a good few inches shorter than me, so my jacket covers the necessities.. just barely.

With Eria at least halfway decent, my mind was finally free to think of other things — including how long of a hike I had to get back to the beach and my car.  Pulling out my phone, I made a quick call to Ivan to explain the situation, all while Eria wandered the nearby area in awe.  She peered at everything — amazed at how small things seemed in comparison to her new form.  Thankfully, Ivan wasn’t doing anything too important and offered to drive over and bring us back to my car.  The other side of the lake had a parking lot beside its shore, so Eria and I made our way there.  Again, she was fascinated by everything seeming smaller, and how long each of her strides were.  Her fascination made the trip even longer, but that didn’t bother me in the slightest.

As we stepped into the lot, a car pulled up to the curb.  “I’m here!  What’s the extra pair of clothes for-  Oh my god!” Ivan gasped, “Is that-?”  I quickly threw open the door and shoved Eria haphazardly into the back seat before anyone could see her.  There were only two cars there, and no one was really looking, but still.  “I uhh.. I guess I know what the change of clothes is for,” Ivan said, handing them to me.  He pulled into a spot far away from the other cars so Eria could change as I quickly explained what happened.  With everything settled, we drove home.

Paisley was eager to have another person to split rent with, and she welcomed Eria almost the moment I told her I liked her as a prospective tenant.  The two actually hit it off quite well.  Paisley had always been a fast talker whenever she got excited, but Eria was a rapt listener.  She marveled at all the new information being given to her about humans and the world.  Eria had even been dragged down the rabbit hole of human trends by her — specifically fashion.  She’d gone from living without any clothes, to clothing being the first thing she spent her money on.  In only a few months I was already occasionally forgetting that she wasn’t human.

Still, sometimes in the late hours of the night, Eria would come visit me in my room, sit beside me on my bed, and talk to me in total honesty.  She brought up questions she had about human behavior, figures of speech she took too literally, or even how to balance on one foot — something she’d never been able to do.  Her company was just as it always was: strange and wonderful.

Afterwards, she’d snuggle up and bring me to herself so we could sleep tucked together.  The first few weeks of living with me and Paisley, she told me it was an anxiety thing.  Sleeping in a group or with someone you know you can trust was a common thing for her kind.  However, I caught on to her.  After so long it became increasingly harder to blame her wanting to cuddle on feeling out of place.   While part of the truth was that she felt the most comfortable around me, she confessed much of her longing came from the many years she spent alone lacking physical — or any form of — affection. I.. didn’t mind at all, really.  Having her around so normally and constantly only made me realize all the sooner that I cared for her as more than a fantastic being in need, or even as a friend.  I hadn’t felt a want so strong for someone before, which surprised me.  She wasn’t even my own kind, but I still loved her all the more.  Eria was teasing about it.  She was always teasing about it from the beginning.  But on some rare occasions when she was either really drunk, really tired, or in a really good mood, Eria would tell me how much she loved me, too.  That her blaming it on inhuman tendencies was just a jest.  She’d deny everything she said the next day, but even so, neither of us could deny how happy we were just to stay together.

[turkeyinnovember]

Dear Recreyoblr,

Recreyo have outted, the end is now.

I made my first recreyo post on march 28th of 2023, first drawing/comic was on march 14th of 2023, the sharp teethed Curt one. It's not canon to me anymore, for whom it may concern. I like the idea of him being the only human (until he glitched, like soup's idea).

Unfortunately, when I found recreyo, I wasn't logging into any yt accounts, so I have no way of knowing when I fell into this hyperfixation. (A calculated guess would be around Christmas break of 2022, because I remember spending an entire day just scrolling through their page)

More about the present and future, well, I think we can all say that recreyo was awesome with their story-writing & telling, leaving us with some Kristine wisdom and the continuations of stories in fanfiction. (And I'm not taking constructive criticism on this but) (I just feel like the bit with Rock Paper Scissors made it all the more painful to listen to and perfect) (I don't even know how to elaborate on this)

Of course, now that Recreyo overed, a lot of us will be leaving. I wish you all great lives outside of this community of ours. As for me, I still have fanfiction and AU ideas that'll keep me motivated for... God knows how long, but I've at least got 3 aus. For those that depart, maybe you'll remember recreyo and their fandom once in a while. And if you do, check the tag. Youtube, Tiktok, Tumblr, Ao3. Wherever else people go. It might be fun to see the stuff that have popped up over the time, who knows.

A hundred thanks and appreciations goes to people whom I will only generalize and not name so I don't accidently leave someone out: of course, the Recreyo Crew, thank them for created this wonderful year and community; the animators. every single one of them did such great jobs in this channel and for the long term animators it was so fun watching their art styles develop; the editors, who do such awesome jobs in editing their videos and producing what we have; the thumbnail artists -- I knew most of them Ivan drew, but some are by different artist(s?); in terms of the fandom, all the appreciations for the fan artists(in all categories of art) that create crazy awesome stories, art, animatics, edits, etc. I don't know if that's everyone but thank you all.

Fun facts include: I wasn't much of a Tumblr user before this, but the recreyo community on Tumblr is just too alluring :3; the smoke alarm in my house have went off because I was too distracted watching Recreyo.

Sorry for the long jazz, but this was a fantastic community (the best i've ever encounter and i doubt there could be anything that beats this) and I couldn't have hoped for anything better than this.

Recreyo out, Turkey November.

P.S. i did not reread or edit this cus im balling my eyeballs out so whatever 😀

[bluemoonscape]

Ivan & Till: When One Character's Inferiority Complex Meets Another's Superiority Complex

Heavily based on this post by @pwippy

To outline what's already been said in this post about Till's apparent tendency to view himself as "superior" to his peers: There's often a mindset that those who lack companionship will adopt to protect themselves from the idea that can come with loneliness that there's something wrong with them. This idea is best summed up as "I'm alone because I'm different. I'm better than them."

Till seems to have adopted this mindset. We know based on the ALNST comics with the Ivan and Till "Cheer up!" scene that Till is lonely. He has no friends. And when Ivan bluntly points this out to Till, Till lashes out hard, hitting Ivan and knocking him to the ground before storming away. Ivan's observation got to him. It did what Ivan is always trying to do; it got a rise out of him.

To protect himself from fear (the fear that he only made it through Urak's experiments by chance, by sheer luck and not because he's better) and rejection (rejection from his peers, from Mizi, even an entire audience) Till has to convince himself in his head that there's a reason for all this. He's better off alone. He doesn't need anyone. Even Mizi, who he adores and admires, is kept at a distance. Till is never once upfront about his feelings. He can't take that sort of rejection, ESPECIALLY not from Mizi. He eliminates the chance of rejection altogether by simply watching her from afar rather than approaching her and really trying to be her friend.

(Look at his cute little face I'm going to cry)

Even a crowd Till acts like he doesn't care about? Like he doesn't care what they think, like he's beyond caring? In Round 2, he didn't even give them a chance to reject him. He made sure they couldn't. He didn't even let his opponent sing.

Ivan, on the other hand, doesn't seem all that concerned about rejection. Unlike Till's fear with Mizi, Ivan is all over Till and isn't deterred when Till reacts to his teasing with irritation. This doesn't mean Ivan isn't hurt by Till's rejections, specifically Till's last-minute decision not to run away with him, but this does mean Ivan is okay with being hurt again, and again, and again as long as he gets to be around Till.

Ivan's complete lack of care about his own mental state is the result of an inferiority complex. Ivan has absolutely no regard for his own wellbeing. He only cares about Till yet doesn't truly believe he's worthy of Till. I always find it interesting (and refreshing) that Ivan isn't jealous of Till's crush for capturing his attention. In fact, Ivan doesn't ever show signs of resenting Mizi at all. He treats her kindly and doesn't fixate on her in an unhealthy, envious way. They're friends despite the object of Ivan's affection being captivated by Mizi. While I love their dynamic and find it nice that Ivan isn't jealous of Mizi, jealousy is a natural human emotion, and Ivan's lack of it really tells me how little he thinks of himself. Why would he be jealous if he doesn't have a chance with Till in the first place? He'll content himself with existing in his orbit, thinking even this little piece of his attention is more than he deserves.

Like Till, Ivan doesn't open himself up to the chance of connection with other children at Anakt Garden, although their reasons seem inherently different. While Till fears rejection, Ivan doesn't seem to even see a point. Till asks himself "What's the point?" in an attempt to convince himself he doesn't need friends, though he doesn't believe it. Ivan asks himself the same question and genuinely doesn't know the answer. No, Ivan is not invincible to being hurt or rejected. Maybe he's past fearing any such thing at a certain point because nobody knows who he really is anyway, not even Ivan himself. How can he be afraid of someone hurting him if they can't touch him? The one time he expresses himself genuinely with Till, he knows that he won't have to deal with the consequences. He won't have to deal with the hurt that comes with being open again.

Having such radically different views of themselves, their relationships with others, and the world around them, it's no wonder Till and Ivan lack communication and understanding. As individuals, they have deeply complex psyches; Till keeps pushing people away, and Ivan keeps letting himself be pushed and then coming back around even though he already knows the result. He just doesn't see worth in anything in his life that isn't Till and this cycle. They both long for connection but don't know how to reach it. For them to come to an understanding, Ivan has to recognize his own worth (something Till uses as a defense mechanism) and Till has to open himself up to hurt (something Ivan does to an unhealthy degree).

They're identically opposite.

[historia-vitae-magistras]

I know Matthew plays hockey, but does he ever want to just give up whatever his government job is and take playing hockey to the olympics or at least pro level? I mean it's got to be more fun than whatever secretarial, front man type corporate job he normally has to deal with when working with the gov right? Or maybe getting into farming or something. I dont know, he just seems like someone who'd eventually just lose his shit if he had to be stuck in an office for too long.

I honestly think most of his time in any government post is like the twice-a-decade he gives enough fucks to be involved. Like, what is he going to do in an office? Stamp government documents? Approve things? He's fucken useless in that environment. I think a couple of times he's said fuck it, started over and played pro hockey or Olympic hockey. He's not the only one who has probably smashed some faces. Alfred or Arthur had to help wipe and reset his identity because inventing a whole new set of documents is much more complicated nowadays than 100 years ago, but he's played and then faded into the background. He probably gets away with that more than a lot of nations can. Nice combo privilege of big bro's military-industrial complex and his own insignificance.

I've had him in the parks service as a bootlegger, a sailor, a ships carpenter, a diplomat, a firefighter, a medic, a search and rescue medic, especially a hockey coach, and a hockey player. I'm not about to write shit about people working in an office if I'm candid. I also think he drew a veterans pension for 110 years before the government went "hey wait, the last Canadian World War One vet died 10 years ago."

And as far as money goes. I think he and Alfred got their savings wiped in the 1930s, and Matt kept himself afloat via good ol' imperial nepotism via the old fart while Alfred was on his own. Since WW2, Matt's financial well-being has been so tied to Alfred's. I had an economics prof who joked that when the US economy stumbles, Canada breaks its neck, so there's some fuckery there, but let's be honest; Matt just occasionally gives Alfred the 'you have hurt my feelings' eyes and gets what he wants and like 500 apologies.

When I look at Alfred, I see someone who likes to work when it's something he's interested in. But Matt... always struck me as a bit French. Not that we don't work hard, but Matt hit the "they pretend to pay me, so I pretend to work' attitude sometime in the '70s. And he's half insane? Like man's wandering around the woods half feral for months on end in at least one of my timelines. He comes back needing anti-parasite meds, three kinds of antibiotics and Alfred going over his checkbook like 'what the fuck did you do with your dividend this time?" Like Afred's his own kind of batshit, but he's got a good head for numbers on his shoulders.

But yeah, the best way to keep him human is to let him do shit that actually appeals and keeps the depresso level below catastrophic so hockey, forestry, etc. Working in an office in Ottawa happens but it's rare, and when it goes on too long in tandem with being as lonely as he can be with only one major border, he ends up missing half his humanity and eating raw raccoon liver in the woods. Letting him slapshot Ivan in the face at the Olympics every now and again is good for the budget lmao.