#its weird right because like. knowing im manic doesnt stop the manic. like i didnt know but now i do but i cant stop it! i would like to !

[asyipyip]

girl its so embarrassing but i love jonmartin so fucking much i havent cared this much about a ship since like. high school

[curious-menace]

Im not familiar enough with the fandom to know ships but pick a riddler u wanna ramble about the most and give me that sweet ship content (platonic or romantic)

I HAVE NO SELF CONTROL SO IM GUNNA DO 2: SCRIDDLER AND CURIOUS MEDIC

CuriousMedic in green

Scriddler in orange

-who cries when someone dies in a movie

Shepherd. She cries at everything. All the time. Even at not sad movies. Riddler def cried during Wall-e though.

No one usually. Neither will admit to being genuinely upset and disturbed by sad horror movies like Lake mungo but its safe to say they didnt really sleep that night.

-who wears the ugly holiday garb

Neither, no one likes christmas that much and both are usually stylishly dressed.

Jonathan. He likes to wear ugly sweaters year round. He has a load of them for all different holidays but obviously the halloween ones are his favorite. He has definitely made edward wear them too.

-who pays for the meals

Both. Edward does more dates and fancy restaurants, shep does more coffee, treats and takeaway.

Usually riddler. Jon “forgets” his wallet a lot. When its his turn to pay there is a lot of dining and dashing. Which would be fine but riddler hates running. He usually just pays after jon leaves.

-who slams the oven door and who plays the trombone

Shep slams the door, riddler plays the trombone.

Jonathan does both to annoy edward.

-who brings home stray animals

Both are equally bad for this. Shep brings home weird animals that make you think she’s stolen them from the zoo, edward brings home a lot of stray cats although they usually wind up with selina.

Its actually jon but only because he needs test subjects. If he cant find any he might use riddler. Edward will usually rescue the animals and send them back outside. Not out of some great morality, he just hates the sound of barking and meowing.

-who leaves the bathroom door open

Theyre both VERY particular about privacy so neither. Unless theyre both in there at the same time ;)

Jonathan leaves every door in the house open. It really annoys edward, since he’s always cold. Not only does he have to watch the straw man piss every time he goes past but now he’s bleeding heating money too.

-who tells the ‘dad jokes’

Do dad riddles count? Its fine, shep usually joins in when ed starts.

JONATHAN WILL NOT STOP WILL THE DAD JOKES. No man no god can make him give over when he’s on a roll.

-who wants kids more

NEITHER THEY BOTH HATE KIDS. although they are both great around other peoples kids. Defacto rogues babysitters.

Again, neither. They have a small soft spot for kids, will usually avoid endangering them with their schemes and usually humor them if a kid was to come up to them, curious, while they were in full riddler or scarecrow garb

-who travels more

Hmm. Riddler travels more often, for pleasure but shep travels the furthest usually for business.

Hmm. well riddler goes farther afield but jon is up and down to georgia fairly often. He preferes to drive too which riddler absolutely hates.

-who spends more cash

Shep spends most on other people, riddler spends the most oh himself.

Edward. Jonathan is a bit of a skinflint. Not like he HAS much money in the first place, no wonder hes reluctant to spend it.

-who buys the things in infomercials

Riddler has no impulse control at 2am.

Again, riddler. But scarecrow actually likes watching dumb infomercials when he cant sleep. Its like popcorn fodder for the insomnia brain.

-who draws in the dust on their cars

Riddler likes to write riddles in the dust.

Both. sometimes they like to leave little messages for one another on the back of jons truck. Riddlers car is far too clean for writing in the dirt.maybe writing WITH dirt.

-who starts the snowball fights

Shep, every time. Riddler is terrible at it but he’s good to have on team fights, he’s an excellent snow fort builder.

Is it still a snowball fight if all scarecrow does is get a bucket of snow and dump it on riddlers head while he’s sleeping?

-who throws away the directions to things

Riddler. He thinks he knows better and he’s USUALLY right. Shep is usually the one to go dig them out of the trash again.

I dont think Jon has ever thrown away anything in his life. Hes still got the instructions for a vhs recorder from 1993.

-who puts up holiday decor

Shep. she likes to put up halloween decorations on the first day of october.

I would say jonathan but he doesnt enjoy it persay. He does it because it needs doing for him to feel at home. Halloween is the exception, he loves doing the decor for halloween. It gets more and more outlandish every year.

-who is more likely to forget to bathe

Riddler. Shep likes to shower every morning. Sometimes she makes him come in there with her. Sometimes.

When theyre in a manic planning phase, theyre both equally bad at things like bathing and eating. Jon has definitely gone longer without both than riddler.

-who gets more obsessed about things

Edward wouldnt be Edward if he wasnt an obsessive nerd. Shep can hyperfocus on things for a while but its never so all consuming as edwards obsessions.

Im going to say riddler BUT scarecrow isnt far behind. Jons obsessions tend to be a little...healthier? Less detrimental to ones health? He obsesses over halloween and certain literature, which i think youll agree, is much less likely to get him punched in the face by a bat themed superhero.

-who sings in the shower more often

Shep sings louder and more often but if you press your ear to the door sometimes you can hear edward singing a little ditty.

Jon sings a lot and actually quite well, but usually when he thinks people cant hear him, he’s too embarrassed to sing in front of people. Unfortunately for him, Riddler has excellent hearing.

[tigerdrop]

king u gonna elaborate on virgin benrey

 listen i have kiryu “is 100% a virgin at the ripe old age of 37, and this is appealing to me instead of fucking hilarious″ kazuma disease and it has followed me here. also this kind of branches into a completely different kink at the end b/c i am diseased

so you know how i write "obviously fucks good and hard all the time" benrey. well........you know.......like..........what if......................he didnt. what if he was. what if he had never fucked before in his life and his incessant flirting finally works and hes like "i did not expect to get this far."

envision, if u will, the delightful awkwardness of virgin benrey + "has never had sex with a dude before" gordon

ive definitely brought up the possibilities of gordon going all science-brain on null benrey before but i think it works just as well on virgin benrey too. its a learning experience for both of them and if theres one thing gordons good at, its research. and gordon probably gets way too up in his own head about making sure he does this shit right and spends a lot of sleepless nights googling "how to have sex with dudes" and, you know, researching, 

if benreys not the one fucking babying him thru his first gay experiences he is probably going to bungle it so fucking badly and i think it would be really funny 

alternatively please consider gordon being so fucking neurotic about benrey never having done this shit before that he avoids the subject as hard as possible, thinking that hes gonna dick it up hardcore, but the whole time benreys just thinking "bro i havent had my dick touched in [however long hes been alive]. come on". the tension

furiously making out with him behind a fucking crate in black mesa and then realizing this is Going Places and gordons voice breaks as he says, way too loud, "I GOTTA UHHH GO RELOAD MY SMG. RIGHT NOW"

you think gordon is touch starved ? no. Hell with this 

Im just tsying theres no evidence hes been touched at all by another human being in his life before this. if hes video game in real he benrey noclip out of being touched 

what if he like, chooses not to noclip/not feel....ON that time gordon catches him. just cuz hes curious, a gay impulse. or maybe hes so surprised (and gay) he forgets to avoid it

and oh, to be in gordon freeman's gentle grasp. makes him into an unholy annoyance of awkward gayness for the rest of the series

YEAS.......also he has definitely thought hard about sucking gordons dick but doesnt actually have any idea how he would go about it. hes just heard its cool

giddy thinking about the scenario where its actually benrey whos terrible at sucking dick b/c hes never done it before and gordon who actually does suck dick like a champ

i know that this is literally the plot of the very first serious nsfw fic in this fandom but still. virgin beney. benrey getting sucked off for the first time in his entire life and shaking like a fucking leaf......

Power trip of Gordon realizing this guy whose been hitting on him the whole time has no idea what to actually do 

Gordon Freeman Gives Benrey A Prostate Exam

its a joke but its not a joke. virgin benrey being vaguely aware that being fucked by gordon freeman would be cool, in theory, but not fully conceptualizing of how you actually get a dick in your ass until gordons like "what?? no, dude, you cant just stick it in there" and gives him a demonstration and thats how benrey discovers he has a prostate 

benrey like "idgi man this just feels weird. when do we get to theohhh my god what. what that" and gordons like "what, u mean this?" (curls his fingers again) mean smirk hours

i want him to make a squeaky little noise when gordon says that and curls his fingers again, and gordon's like "ha- knew he'd like it" and keeps kneading him a while; but oops, suddenly benrey's coming with an even squeakier noise 

gordon's so surprised he just keeps going, hes like, not comprehending until benys whining at him to stop

a thought: benreys not good at "being human" and probably doesnt actually know whats supposed to happen when u nut so every time hes been jackin it he just does it until it starts to be Just A Little Too Much and then hes like "mission accomplished" and stops. imagine his fucking surprise when  gordons jerking him off and he doesnt stop and hes like "wh ha hu what the fuck i already got off bro" and gordon just stares at him and the distinctive lack of cum on his hand and s like ".......did you?  you sure about that one." 

tl;dr benrey squirming and babbling and digging his fingers into gordons back as he begs him to keep going, he doesnt know whats gonna happen and hes feeling totally overwhelmed b/c gordons pushing him further than hes ever been pushed and he keeps inadvertently trying to wriggle away b/c its So Much but gordon, maybe, pins down his hips so he can get benrey off For Real....... 

even better if its when gordons sucking him off for the first time so he can wrap his arms and hands around benreys thighs to keep them spread wide open and firmly in place 

knees shaking and thighs jumping constantly 

and benrey has no idea when its supposed to be over so he cant even warn gordon properly. he just keeps getting louder and louder....... 

maybe even.......completely hunched over gordon......pushing him down on his dick with his hands in his hair....... 

alternating between babbling "stop" and "dont stop" b/c hes stupid 

eventually gordon gets so sick of benrey not being able to decide whether he wants to shove gordon onto his dick or yank him off that he just pulls off and says "look, man, do you trust me?" b/c he would really like to just get benrey to stop edging himself here 

UNINTENTIONAL OVERSTIMULATION.......THE TEARS........HHHHHHH

and he eventually gets benrey to nod furiously at him that he trusts him and gordons just like, okay, im not gonna stop then. im gonna keep going. and.......he does 

eyes glazed, hair sticking to him with sweat, hips all twitchy, dick all red, face also all red 

sucking benrey dry until hes over sensitive....... 

He started off spasming then he’s rocking into Gordon’s face by the time he’s wailing his name. Panting and gasping like he’s fucking DROWNING 

gordon meanwhile almost nuts in his pants from the fuckin show that benreys puttin on for him and hes not even trying. hes just Like This. gordons got jerkoff material for the next month just thinking about the way benrey wails his name and clutches his hair tight 

benreys like (slurred) 'u gonna jack off or sumn.......was it not hot'. gordon fighting with every cell of his body not to scream "WAS IT NOT HOT?"

trying to decide what would be hotter: gordon jacking off while hes on his knees with his head resting on benreys thigh or jerking off on benreys stomach and.....r.......rubbing it in

benrey watching gordon cum and feeling a whole new context for it cause now he knows how good it feels and gets turned on again faster-

thinking.......about.......th. next time. now that benreys figured it out. he gives it a try on his own time and hes so surprised that it works that he goes up to gordon like "yo. check this out. i figured out how to jack it" and gordon has the most unimpressed look on his face imaginable 

"proud of you, buddy. am i good to go back to watching storage wars, or" "you wanna uhhh.....wanna see it maybe?" and that changes his entire tune

imagining benrey being so fucking bad at it still that he keeps doing the start-stop shit b/c its so intense and hes not used to it and the thing that actually gets him to finish is gordon, pants down to his knees and fisting his own dick like he might die tomorrow, leaning forward and telling him that hes got this, benreys gonna come for him, right? come for gordon? 

gordon fucking telling him "dont stop" WRT jerking himself off and benrey just listening to him and pushing himself is ruining my fuckin mind 

its a really good thought......i love how it plays into non-human benrey having to figure out human stuff........makes me crayz

probably keeps being sensitive for a long while too........ (mumbling very very quietly) and if hes so sensitive from never being touched before......maybe hes kind of........uhhh..................ticklish

new layers to the whole "oh my god its too much stop it" + "i actually dont want you to stop touching" thing .. . . .. . . . + gordon powertripping when he realizes whats going on with him and why he keeps jerking away and trying not to laugh when gordon touches him like on his stomach or his sides

benrey accidentally jerks too hard and knees gordon in the dick from how ticklish he feels just from like, hands on his sides or something

i was actually thinking about......like.......gordon laying on the ground and suffering (because why wouldnt i be thinking about gordon suffering) and deciding that enough is enough and offering to.......desensitize benrey. you know. for his own health

you know. uhhh. tying up his arms and legs, perhaps, and. you know. "do not noclip through these. i swear to god, benrey, if you kick me in the dick again" 

i'm think about benrey begging gordon to stop, so he does, to check if this is a Forreal stop or a "hahah nooo~" stop, and benrey asks him through gasps to keep fucking tickling him (except he just says smth to the effect of ."gh.. ....keep doing it dude wuhdah hell...") and gordon gets an evil fucking grin and just feels on top of the world "yeah?? think you can handle it, huh???" and just destroys him. benrey thinks about gordon's horny manic face for weeks 

neither of them had a thing for this before this point but the combination of feeling like hes being tickled and gordons hands on him for the first time making him mad horny gives benrey a brand new fucking fetish. gordons manic fucking face im so glad we are on the same wavelength about that

i truly hate my own posts. incurable. diseased

[clownbeep]

This is gonna be kinda brutal. But I want to put it into writing

Big vent/whats been going on

Hah... I guess this is like my life story or some shit...

Trigger warning ahead.. Depression and a bit of gore/suicide talk so if you are sensitive to that please, for your own sake and mental state you might not want to continue.

For those who dont want to hear a pretty dark vent, I understand.

And those who are just scrolling by feel free to scroll past. I just personally want to get this out.

If you have dealt with emotional neglect/abuse and need to know it isnt in your head this might be the post.

By writing this it feels like hopefully someone else will read this and realise certain things are NOT healthy.

If you are questioning if you are being emotionally neglected/abused (im speaking in a parental sense but even romantically or sexually) im not someone to give you answers, but the fact you are questioning it raises some red flags. In a healthy relationship you dont wonder those things.

Sorry for the long prelude but heres what I wanted to say

.

.

.

.

.

.

Ever since I was young, ive had bad ADHD, manic bipolar/depression, and sensory issues.

I was diagnosed around 13 I believe. My family (I didnt realise it then) always showed pity. Like I was some wild animal that couldnt be tamed and there was nothing they could do. Id do and say stupid attention seeking things just to try and get a shred of empathy.

My family didnt care.

When I was in the hospital for a suicide attempt regaurding pills and my liver had a chance of failing.. None of my family members cried over me. But a family friend. Someone not. Even. Related. Wept over me.

My family didnt care.

I cant say they never cared. They give me food water and luxuries like internet and a phone. For that I am grateful.

But in many other ways they have hurt me faar more than helped.

Once I got out of a short term stay in an inpatient mental facility I desperately needed contact with anyone who would care for me.

I have a younger sister, quite young probably around 7 at the time. She was a close friend of mine for that time. Id hang out with her so often to fill the gap in love it felt my family didnt give. One day I walked into the dining room and overheard my mother and father talking to my little sister. They told her to keep away because I wasnt "stable" because I was "dangerous" and could give her bad Ideas. And with one single action my only friend at the time and way to find happiness was taken away.

My family did not care.

When I stay in bed every day for months on end not knowing which day ill snap and end it all.... I get called lazy.

My family did not care

When I beg for medication to make me a functional human being they brush me off for years on end. Im losing my grip. I can barely remember things that have happened last week because I try so hard to forget everything its my automatic response to everything.

When I cant get to sleep because all of the memories come flooding back and im hit by wave after wave of horrific memories and the feeling if worthlessness... When I cant watch any videos or read posts about families because it brings on unwanted memories and emotions....

Is it me being dramatic then?

When you hear your family openly mocking and laughing about how stupid and dramatic and fake trans people are... How weird and unnatural and mentally insane these people are not knowing they are the very reason grsm and trans suicides are so high...

Am I a liar now? Am I insane?

When I tried to talk to them about my mental health issues. They took my only way of contact and made me feel like it was my own fault.

My family didnt care.

When I was nearly passed out shaking in a bathtub covered in wounds and blood all over... They showed pity, then lectured me for an hour for not telling them or for being impulsive and basically cleaned my wounds and sent me into my room.

My family didnt care.

Yes. I do agree, they cleaned my wounds, the physical side of showing care. However emotionally they were not there.

When my father drinks so heavilly every day he is home from work that he forgets half the things he tells you and can barely function.. They lecture my older sister for having a glass of wine (legal age)

They did not care.

My sister (23) tried for so many years to cling to what little attention she would get by getting good grades and going to college... She realised that it changed nothing about how my family felt toward her.... She snapped.

My family did not care.

She starves herself for a disease she does not have, she uses religion as an exuse to be one of the biggest christian extremists I personally know. Half the days she doesnt eat... Other days she burns book and gets rid of items for being demonic.

My lovely sister used to be kind and quite normal. However she couldnt find comfort in what little live her family gave. Starved for care she turned to religion to un unhealthy degree. Finding any way to keep her mind busy. Now I worry she will end up in the hospital for weighing so little.

My family did not care.

My oldest sister (27) Is married to a continuously cheating husband who she keeps letting back into her life. She was raised with a failing marrige and doesnt seem to see when she should call it quits.

Not to mention her husband has touched someone legally under the age of concent. Did she report him to the authorities? No.

All of these horrific things stemming from bad parenting. Unhealthy relationships and neglect.

Neglect emotionally can cause just as bad things as physical neglect. They are both horrifically dangerous in different ways.

These are the only big things I can remember... Basically age 15 and below are a complete blur to me and I cant remember much of it without thinking for a looong time. Even then I cant remember a lot of it... I feel like ive lost my whole damn childhood. And it hurts more than if they had just hit me or physically harmed me.

Im not underplaying physically harm. But in my personaly opinion I would rather my family have beaten me badly because at least then id have an easier way to prove to people how severe the abuse was. You can see bruises and confirm broken bones... But years of feeling completely useless and being shut off from most of the world other than the internet... It fucks you up in a way I dont think can be healed.

I dont know if I can ever love myself or... Remember things. Its terrifying to think Ill post this and a few weeks later probably not even rememner unless its brought up. Or meeting people and having conversations... And they are just... Gone.

Gone.

I suppose the biggest reason im writing this is well... In the future I dont want to forget in some ways.. I want like to be 100× as awesome knowing itll start as soon as im out of here..

If I dont have anything to compare it too then what is the point?

Ive layed out basically most of what I remember

A large amount of time I look around and nothing registers... Everything is familiar but I cant remember anything for a moment or two.. I feel like my memory is slipping so fast and im terrified.. I cant do anything to stop it and I cant make my mood be stable without the medication my family cant be bothered to get ...

I suppose this is a bit of a vent. I know its kind of everywhere and unorganized..

If im honest.. Tumblr is the only place where people have given me a home I wish I had..

I came out as trans here... Everyone was so damn supportive.. I didnt say anything but I cried hard and the kindness.. It was amazing.. It was such a jarring difference to how I feel when I say anything in real life.

Ive met friends here and ive had some much fun here. If youve stuck around this far thank you so much.. If you didnt I dont blame you.

I just wanted to share what has been flashing in my head these past few days.. It hurts a lot and ive even considered suicide recently..

Im trying hard. As hard as I can.. I have no escape though.

I cannot leave home. I cannot escape. Im not being dramatic.

I

CANT

LEAVE

And its terrifying because I know without medication or at least being somewhere AWAY from family.... I feel like im going to break soon.

I dont want to do anything stupid.. But some days I cant think straight and do things that harm myself and its not good. Its not okay. Im aware that I need help but I have no idea where to go/turn.. I have no ID or drivers liscence.. I have no transportation to and from a job to get money so I can leave... I live in the middle of nowhere.... I just..

I dont want to lose touch. I dont want to do anything bad.. I want to be functional.. I want to do more than eat and sleep my life away because I have nothing else to do..

Im so damn sick and tired of this all.. And at times I really do feel like there is only one way out.

Its always there and I just feel like one of these days im gonna be pushed over the edge and not be thinking clearly enough to stop it.

Im thinking semi clearly right now which is my im posting this.. Because im afraid and alone.

I have nowhere to go irl I have no friends Irl i just have tumblr and media and thats it. I dont expect anyone to be able to help I just wanted to write this so anyone knows what happens if I leave media..

If I tell my family my issues they will blow me off again for the 11th time or so (not exaggerated)

And if I do something to get sent to the hospital and get the help I need the cycle will continue with them being pissed and me getting sent home in a month or less anly for my family relationships to get worse..

Im spiraling fuether and further and I cant keep up the facade of being fine. I need help. And i have no way to get it. Ive just been suffering for years...

Sitting around and doing nothing but using your phone or drawing or whatever sound fun in theory... But if thats all youve been able to do for years with little to no real life social contact its gonna mess with your head... I dont want to be a shut in... I just

I dont know what to do.

Im sorry for rambling. I will most likely delete this later feeling embarrassed I posted this...

Im just tired..

[riverleyk]

SCRAPPED CHAPTER: Dimitri and Jack talk about competition (MK3: Dimitri Project):

[ Jacklyn’s only been here 6 moths and has already outstayed me in most classes. She wants what I have and isnt subtle about it. She talks about wanting to be valedictorian, and be the one with the top grades. Unfortunately for her, having me as a competition will be more than easy. My grades have been on a steady decline ever since drugs took over my life, and sometimes, I don’t even show up for the exams. ] Jack goes up to him and smiles: so what did you get on the exam? I got 97%! Dimitri rolls his eyes [I don’t see why he has to insist on pestering me with her success. It’s obvious im losing in this little war of ours. I never wanted a rival or this to be a contest. I’d gladly let her win, but she has to make it personal all the time] She looks at dimities papers Jack: ON my god! 100%? But last time you got only- Dimitri: 9%. I know. I fell asleep in class. Jack giggles: its funny ya know. If you just applied yourself, school would be so much easier for you. Dimitri: its not about being lazy. Jack: oh I know. Everybody in school knows, dimitri. Even the teachers. Dimitri: Know what? Jack: your little drug habit. We notice when you’re drunk at award ceremonies, and when you’re manic at national robotics fairs. We all know. You smoke during lunch break, and your water bottle definitely smells funny. Dimitri: if its so obvious. Then why hasn’t the school faculty expelled me yet? It’s illegal, and they have those police dogs wander around ever month or so. Jack: because you make us look good. Despite all your shit, you’re still… the best… and one theres an exceptional student, the school gets more funding, from what I gather. She looks around Jack: this place is a dump. I’ve never seen such a poor school. Dimitri: its really not that bad, I know you have high standards in finnland, but Canadian public schools aren’t a cess pit. Jack: they are. I’ve never smelled weed in the halls in Finland. Dimitri: Touché. Jack pouts and dimitri blushes, he really thinks she’s adorable. Jack: Dimitri, why can’t you just stop? You’d be unstoppable, academics wise. Dimitri: Its not that simple… Jack: It feels weird to win ya know, against a guy like you. I should respect your talent, but I dont. You’re one of those smart kids who was born this way. You never needed to study, you just knew all the answers [where the fuck is she getting that from?] Dimitri: UH… what? I’m not naturally gifted, im good because I just like studying. I like school. I like math, science. It’s like a hobby to me! Jack: well its not a hobby for me, I’ve put to much time into this to be outstayed by a drug addict Dimitri: Outstaged? I don’t care about who’s grades are higher, only you do! Jacklyn, is this all a game to you? Jack: NO! This isnt a game I- Dimitri: yes it fucking is! All fo this is just a game, each test is a boss level you have to grind for. All your numbers, and awards, it’s exp and achievements. I’M your rival, Jorden’s you side kick and you’re the main character… but its not true. Jack, I’m schizophrenic and even I have a better grasp on reality than YOU. I don’t care if you win, I know I’m already going to lose. Jack takes a step back in shock. He’s right and she knows it. He glares but then softens up. Dimitri: Im sorry. I didnt mean it that way… look. I always hated being on top. The school pimps me out, buys me a tex and puts me on a stage. I have the highest number, so I’m special… I dont care. I just want to do my best, get high, and go home. Somedays, I dont even wanna be here… I just go to school because its better than being at home. Dimitri: jack, I failed secondary 4. I just let it pass me by. I’m not 15, I’m 16, and I’ve done this grade before. You’ve only been here 6 months, and you’re so close to… “Winning.” I know you want this to be more entertaining. You look bored all the time, and I’m the best thing you’ve got to a victim you can bully. But I don’t care. I can drop out at anytime. I can’t go to college. I’ve already reached my peak and

theres no way up from here. You really think its an achievement to be the best in high school? I have no friends. I wanna die all the time, i’M addicted to meth, I dont have a dad. Jack: Dimitri I never meant it that way- Dimitri: I don’t care. You act like you’re better than me. Theres just a few classes stopping you from beating my overall average. You’ll beat me soon, I’m proud of you, ok? I’m glad this school can finally get the gifted student they want so badly. I’m glad it doesnt have to be me anymore. Jack: ….I guess but I cant beat you. We’re both weak in sports, but… I just cant get good grades in the one class that’s wroth the most. Dimitri: French? Jack nods shamefully: I can’t speak French. I don’t know how… Dimitri: I’ll teach you. Jack: N-no. It wouldn’t be fair. Dimitri: jacky…. I just said this wasn’t a game. Jack: uh… fine but I’m paying you. Dimitri: Thanks. Jack turns away but then glares at him: You can buy your toys, but if I catch you spending my money on drugs, I’ll kill you. I know how to hide a body, I’ll fucking do it. Dimitri: Drugs it is. Jack huffs and walks away. [Spending time with her each time really changed how I saw her. She’s brilliant… I expected her to struggle with French grammar. It’s so different from English and finnish, but she understood it right away. I knew she liked games, so I organized my ciricumlum around it. Grammar, syntax, word placement. It was all puzzles for her to solve. It sucked that the school couldn’t do this basic accommodation for her. A foreign exchange student in a French school.. that’s rough. They just dumped her in this environment, expected her to be able to solve math equations without being able to read the questions. I could see it right in front of me. Nothing was holding her back other than the language barrier. She is truly better than me, in every way.” Jack: Je veux… manger l’appel. Dimitri: you want to eat a call. Jack struggled: Non! Non! Je veux manger l’apple…! Dimitri: OH! Une pomme. Apple is pomme in French. Jack: hahah… merci! [her grammar was superb only after a few sessions. She only struggled with vocabulary. Which is only a matter of time until she got good at it. It’s just memorization.]

[signingupforsanity-blog]

I was that other person

I have been waiting to hear, “I am sorry I used you.” or even “Im sorry I didnt tell you the truth.” OR I am sorry I lied to you that time and told you something I didnt mean, just because I thought you wanted to hear it. When I first got sick I didnt know who to turn to and somehow I turned to a person I barely knew and I was really excited to mean something to somebody. (Which i guess I didnt) For the first time I had somebody who was more than a friend, that i was attracted to and I felt like I enjoyed being with for all kinds of things. I envy artists because I always wanted to show the world how I saw things, and I never learned to do it. Everything was really cool. It felt awesome. I remember the first time I saw them. How weird, right? I ended up developing feelings of real friendship.. and more. They even used that phrase people use when they want you to know it. THEY DID IT. That was back when I could barely say it.  Anyway, things were going great until I found out I was the OTHER PERSON. It went for a long time, surprisingly before I knew that i was the other person. It was quite a sinking feeling, but part of me knew something was wrong.  Heres where I admit my guilt (even though i was manic for the first full blown time[not an excuse just a fact]) and our traumas were kinda similar. They told me things that they had never, and maybe still hasnt, told anybody. I felt like I needed them, their support, their friendship, pretty much any time I could get with the first person who knew me and didnt think I was ugly. They knew more of me than anybody else. It was exposure. It was something else. But I was the other person. I thought maybe I could make it work. Maybe I wouldnt have to lose this person who said that I was important to them. The first person who met my parents, the first person who saved my life [for real], the first person who found me with pills on pills on pills in my hands and hate in my heart, but they were still good too me.  Its only now, years and years later that I dont know if they were good to me, or if they were ultimately one of the worst things for me. To take somebody in just to leave them out at the worst of times, its kind of a real mean thing to do. Would I have been better off alone all together??? Maybe. Maybe I would be dead. I dont know. But I was the other person. I dont remember what I said to them. I do remember not knowing what to do. I do remember what I felt when they started lying to other people, shortly after I found out they were with somebody else and I was a.....(what was I even)....I remember them telling people one thing, and showing up at my apartment. I remember them stopping me a parties, sneaking away with me, I remember a lot. It didnt occur to me at the time that I was the secret. That I was slowly being put away. I didnt even notice.  Other people started to notice something. I dont know if they judged me. I suppose they recognized my weakness. Its the same weakness anybody has. That fragile part that wants to believe. Its like the same way kids believe in Santa or people believe in the American Dream.  Its strange how much of a secret I have. Now Its a secret I keep. That other person gave me a hug, the last time I saw them. How strange. Was that the apology? How weird of me to want to hear it, even though it changes nothing. I dont love them like that. I miss that friend. I want an apology. But now I am a ghost. And They and their person are engaged and I smile because maybe they are both happy. Maybe its just one of those things that life does. Maybe secrets are better buried, or left on rooftops, basement stairs, stairwells, dorm rooms, quiet buildings we shouldnt have been in, and thats where those things stay. Left for me to forget and for them to bury. I think thats what it means to keep a secret. To do the favor and not ask or expect forgiveness. To fold my own lists, pour cinnamon in my own coffee and move on to the next cup.  Thank god I never believed them. It would make it so much harder to not tell the truth.  Maybe the mania just made it more intense than it should have been. Guess Ill never know I have somebody who doesnt hurt me or treat me like a secret now. She is the best person I could have found. Sometimes I worry she will leave me like they did. Thanks for the memories. Thanks for the issues.