#its very settling and/or empowering

[punkstylerecovery]

Hello, I’m back ^^

Thoughts on reclaiming some things my abusers told me and making them into patches? I already have a few jabs at them on my jacket, hehe

Oh, I remember you! 💚

That actually sounds dope as fuck! If my disabilities didn't make things like patches so hard, I'd do that in a second. It sounds like simultaneously wearing a pair of armor made of Things That Fucked With you (which is badass) and also wearing a warning sign saying, "You really wanna fuck with me? Look what I've already gone through." and it sounds so punk.

Do you already have plans for what you want the patches to look like?

[felixshousewife]

secret little rendezvous.

synopsis: after a lovely day of lounging about by the swimming pool of saltburn, a nicerelaxing bath is at the top of the priority list, but what you don’t expect is for your bath to end up being with felix

word count: 1.6k

warnings: badly written smut. okay, thanks <3

Lounging around Saltburn all day was heavenly, don’t get you wrong.

You and Venetia had lounged round by the pool for a majority of the day, your hair was all frizz from when Farleigh dunked you under the water, and uou had mascara running from your eyes because you didn’t think you would be going in the pool at all today.

Dinner was going to be served in just a little over an hour and what you craved the most right now was a nice warm bubble bath, with your favourite essential oils and your towel waiting for you on the heated dryer located in the corner of the bathroom.

Felix had gone up to your shared bedroom in the manor a little bit before you, maybe about ten minutes ago because you were chatting to Oliver, your lover pressed a delicate kiss to your cheek as he explained how he was going to go and get dry and you promised that you’d be in in a moment.

So, with a towel thrown over your shoulder, you made your way to the bathroom that you and felix were sharing with Oliver, mascara still stained around your eyes and a tired frown settled on your lips.

As you stepped closer to the aforementioned bathroom, a cease formed in your brows upon noticing the door fully closed, which it hardly ever was during the day, you shook the door knob slightly and hummed softly when you noticed that it wasn’t locked so there shouldn’t have been anyone inside.

But boy were you wrong.

There he lays, your felix sat in the bathtub, head thrown back as his hand works against himself, soft moans and grunts escaping his chapped lips making all the heat flush to between your thighs.

“(Y/N).”

He moaned out your name, his head now hung low as he brought one hand up to push his hair out of his face.

You stood in the doorway, the towel now falling from your shoulder, the soft glow of the bathroom lights highlights his form making him all that much clearer, your heart warms at that very sight and sense of overwhelming love empowers you.

Water trickles down his soft skin, creating ripples that crave his bicep muscles, your breath coming out slightly heavier now.

The sound of your heavy breaths alert Felix to the presence of your very fine self standing in the doorway of the bathroom, the door open ajar behind you as you stare at him, pupils blown.

There’s a slightly hint of surprise that flashes in his gaze but that is quickly diminished when he notices your flustered state, a cocky smile working its way onto his facial features.

That damn smile tugs at your heart strings.

“What are you staring at, beautiful?”he teases, his voice low, smoky and full of complete affection.

You simply can’t look away, your caught in a trance.

You want to answer him, you really do, but your words appear to be trapped in your throat, he always makes you speechless. It’s a regular occurrence at this point.

When no words fall from your lips, you watch with careful and lust filled eyes as he raises a hand from in the water and gestures for you to come forward.

You can’t resist his offer.

Slowly, you take a few steps forward until your crluched at the side of the bath, now having a closer look of his dripping figure.

His brown eyes never once leave your figure and he leans forward, his face now a mere few inches away from yours and you can now feel his hot breath fanning against your skin and your ever so tempted to make the gap between your lips closer and even touching.

But you don’t have time to do that.

Because he simply beats you to it, his lips pressing against yours in what appears to be a soft, delicate kiss.

With a flirty smirk, he pulls back slightly and asks, "Are you going to just stand there, or are you going to join me?"

You let out a nervous chuckle, feeling the butterflies in your stomach intensify. "Fix, I don't think we have enough time."

He raises an eyebrow, a playful glimmer still in his eyes.

"Who said we can’t be quick?" he teases, running his fingers gently along your arm. “I’ve done it in a lot of quicker times before, beautiful.”

Your heart races, and you can't help but give in to the temptation. You slip off your flip flops and start to undo the straps that are tying your bikini together at your back, feeling a mixture of excitement and vulnerability.

Felix’s eyes never leave you, and he bites his lower lip, clearly enjoying the show.

You climb into the bath, sitting in front of him, facing each other. The water envelops you both, creating a soothing and intimate atmosphere. Your lover can't help but smile as he watches you playfully accept his invitation.

With a sparkle in his eyes, he leans forward and pulls you gently onto his lap, your bodies close but still leaving room for comfort. Your heart races with anticipation as you feel his warm embrace, and you can't resist leaning in closer to him.

The moment your lips meet, a spark ignites between you.

The make-out session becomes a dance of passion and affection, each kiss more fervent than the last.

Your hands find their way to his hair, running through his damp curls, while his hands gently caress your back, sending shivers down your spine.

“What do you say, beautiful,”he pulls away from the kiss, slightly breathless, your lips plump due to smacking against his ones, “want to have a bit of fun before dinner?”

You nod your head, as an answer to his question.

No doubts in your head.

Except for one.

You felt his lips fall to your neck, peppering kisses against the skin there and making sure to leave a mark there. “Felix…were in…we’re in a bathtub.”

“And?”

“And?”you look at him with slightly wide eyes. “Someone could walk in or hear us!”

“I can be quiet,” he nips at your jaw, making you inhale a small breath at the action. “Can you be quiet? Can you be quiet for me, beautiful?”

His words made all the heat rush to your core, that was close to his cock that was hard, brushing against the inside of your thigh from where you were sitting on his lap.

You nodded your head at his words and that was when he lowered his hand down into the water and tickled the inside of your thigh, his knuckles dragging increasingly close to your ache.

“Fuck my life,” His gaze lowers slightly, racking his eyes over your naked torso, pupils blown. “Your heavenly, like a fucking angel.”

The next words that leave his lips have you whimpering out.

“Your so wet for me.” He mused, and your surprised you didn’t lose it right then and there, his fingers work and run along your clit in small circles, eyes closing slightly at the sensation radiating through your body.

“Please don’t tease me,” you whisper, chest rising and falling, even though he had barely touched you. “I don’t want your fingers, there’s no time.”

“Yeah?”His fingers continue to tease between your legs as his head tilts to the side. “Where do you want me? Tell me where and I’ll give it to you, give you anything you for, beautiful.”

“Inside me,” you open your eyes and lean forward, he can feel your breath on the top of his nose, “Please Fix….inside me.”

He retracted his hand, and lowered it even further so it was touching his aching cock. He shifted slightly so the tip of it could be seen atop of the water, it was pink, completely rock hard and if you squinted you could see it ouzing with pre-cum.

He fisted his length a few times, warming himself up a bit more, before he lifted up your hips and lined himself up with your entrance, running it up and down your folds a few times in a teasing manner before pushing inside of you with a gaped mouth.

“Shit,” Felix was trying to be quiet but he had no control when it came to you. “You feel so good, beautiful.”

“Always feel so good for me,” he rushed out, hips thrusting in and out of you, eager to get you both to reach your climax at the same time. “Can never get enough of you.”

Your breath is laboured as you lean your head forward and pepper kisses against the skin of his neck, where he had a few freckles placed there.

“You going to finish soon?”

“Uh-huh,” you nodded your head, feeling your legs starting to shake at the feeling of your impending orgasm. “Uh-huh.”

Your whimpers and moans are anything but quiet as you feel your boyfriends thrusts becoming slightly sloppy.

The water is splashing around the two of you, head thrown back.

He leaned his hand down and pressed it against your clit, making your eyes go wide.

“I’m close…”you told him, still bouncing up and down on his length. “I’m so close…so close.”

He pressed an open mouthed kiss to your lips that were becoming slightly chapped due to the humidity of the room. “C’mon beautiful, come for me, give me what I want.”

You didn’t need to be told twice.

You came quickly, eyes rolling to the back of your head as the beginning of your boyfriend's orgasm started to brew. It wasn’t long after you that he came inside of you, seeing as you were on birth control.

Small whimpers emitted from his lips at the rush he felt, his forehead falling against your shoulder.

“I love you.”

“I love you too.”Felix mused, “In fact i am completely and utterly besotted with you.”

Caught up in the moment as you pressed another kiss to the corner of his mouth, the two of you failed to notice the eyes of Oliver Quick staring at the two of you through the gap in the door.

[vagabond-umlaut]

The Contract To Compromise

Chapter 1 of For Love's Sake Only... Or Is It? Ryomen Sukuna x Fem!Reader; Victorian AU; Epistolary. Fluff, Angst, Drama & Romance; Arranged Marriage; Marriage of Convenience; Love at First Sight; Slow Burn; Letters; Secret Identity.

This work is loosely inspired by 'Daddy-Long-Legs' by Jean Webster, but of course, minus the icky problematic parts of the dynamics between the protagonist and her love interest. [The novel is a wonderful read otherwise!] [Also, I do not wish to kink-shame anyone.]

Chapter warnings: A FEW TOO MANY historical inaccuracies. Talks of bankruptcy and murder. [Nothing serious happens, though!]

To say you're happy might be the greatest understatement of the century.

Cheeks hurting from your wide grin, you throw the receding horse carriage one last glance before rushing out the front door. To the Itadori's two blocks away. Whose door is opened by none but your closest and dearest friend Yuuji.

"Oh, hello—" The boy greets, eyes wide yet crinkling into a slow smile, only for you to startle him further by suddenly pulling him into a tight embrace. The sound of his yelp lost in that of your hearty chuckles, you announce, "He agreed, Yuuji. He agreed. Oh goodness, I cannot believe my good fortune but he agreed."

"He... as in your fiance?" Yuuji inquires when you let go of him, closing the door behind you then leading you into the house. Sounds of sizzling food reach you from the kitchen further down the hallway. Ah, so Megumi must have woken up already.

You nod back. "Mmhm. The one and only. The man agreed to help me. I cannot believe it but his employee Uraume arrived at our place today morning and delivered a letter from their employer. Lord Ryomen says he agrees to fund the remainder of my college tuition."

A shadow falls over Yuuji's face at your words— one teeming with pity and sympathy— you try not to let it hurt your feelings, your pride as much as it should. As much as it used to.

Though you suppose there's very little of your pride left after your once-affluent family goes bankrupt and you give your consent to an arranged marriage with a rich stranger from faraway lands— something which once made you wrinkle your nose in distaste— but you agree to it eagerly now only for the financial help for your family promised by your prospective groom should you decide to wed him.

And even less of your pride left after you write him a letter not even three days later, requesting him to pay for your remaining last year at college, though not stating it in explicit terms. Instead, saying how one might benefit from a well-educated, empowered wife. Besides assuring you have every intention of paying him back the money he spends for your studies.

A call of your name draws you away from your mind. Yuuji frowns, miserable and contrite. "I wish we could help you, but with me paying for my grandfather's treatment and with 'Gumi paying his father's debts... we're very, very sorry."

"It's okay, you silly boy," you brush his genuine apology away with a chuckle, reaching forwards to squeeze his palm reassuringly, "To have the two of you by my side even when nearly everyone else left me— that's the greatest help you and Megumi could ever give me and my family. Thank you so much, Yuuji."

A weak grin breaks across his face but before he can say anything, Megumi walks into the room with a tray of tea and pastries. You send him a teasing grin, "So how's staying with Yuuji treating you, hm? Quite well, is it not?"

"Better than the very best," Megumi replies, simple and solemn, settling on the settee beside his lover and slipping an arm round his waist. "Though I suppose you're faring the best of us all. I could hear you laughing through the sounds of the pans and cookers."

"That I am," you admit easily, taking a bite from a red velvet pastry, an appreciative hum leaving you at its heavenly taste, "My fiance agreed to pay for my college tuition after all. I can now graduate with no worries in a year— and no. No more sorry's, please. I won't hesitate to forget my governess' lessons and hit the two of you if I need to sit through yet another apology. Please, Fushiguro."

The addressed boy sighs at your demand, relenting much sooner than you expected him to. "Alright, I won't. But know that we two are always here for you, okay? We might not be able to help you financially, but that should never stop you from sharing your troubles with us. Particularly if they concern your fiance. Especially if they concern him mistreating you in any form. Yes?"

"Is that an offer to murder him if he does so?" you inquire, half-amused, half-serious. He shrugs. "If the need arises, why not? My birth father was a horrible parent but he was a damn good assassin. He taught me more than a few tricks."

"Not that we will ever need to see them, however," Yuuji adds within the next beat with a tense chuckle and a glare at his lover you've never reckoned he can give, "Su– I mean, Lord Ryomen is a good man. He's certain to treat you right. Don't worry."

And worrying, you're not. Not very much, that is.

"I hope he is," you hum quietly, "Though he is kind of odd, I must say, what with his conditions for agreeing to pay for my tuition and such."

"Conditions?"

Megumi's sharp query shoves you out your thoughts, making you realize you weren't as quiet as you deemed you were. You throw back a small smile.

"Not anything serious, fret not. He simply wishes me to send him a letter every fortnight, updating him on my daily life. Uraume said it is for Lord Ryomen to know his help isn't being in vain. And to know his bride better, considering he cannot visit me from his province anytime soon."

"And you agreed to it?" Yuuji asks, exchanging a look with the other boy.

You pretend to ignore it. "Of course. Why wouldn't I? Although..." you trail off, eventually adding with a frown, "he asked me not to expect any reply from him, whatsoever— which is somewhat disheartening, if I must be honest. It's almost as if I'll be writing letters to a wall."

"Yet you agreed to it?" It is Megumi who asks this time, scowling, "If you did not like the condition, why did you say yes to it? You should have rejected it."

"Beggars can seldom be choosers, 'Gumi," you sigh with a mirthless smile.

"Besides, my marriage to Lord Ryomen will be one of convenience solely— it's good he won't be replying to my letters. This will prevent my heart from succumbing to foolish dreams of love— I'll remember our relationship is nothing but a transaction. Him, helping my poor family and me by sending money the 3rd of every month. Me, thanking him by agreeing to wed him thus providing him a companion, and possibly a means to carry forward his lineage. Nothing less. Definitely nothing more."

A stifling silence follows the tail end of your words— one you attempt to break with a wide grin when you realize the effect you had on the atmosphere of the room. "Ah, but the good thing is I can finish my education and be a graduate— something I've dreamt of ever since I was a tiny girl. I feel so immensely relieved now."

"Yes. Every cloud does have a golden lining, doesn't it?" Yuuji chimes in almost instantly with a cheery beam, bless the boy and his kind soul. Megumi regards you carefully for a moment longer then exhales audibly, a sign of him conceding.

"It is silver, not golden," he corrects the other boy with a disapproving look before pinning it on you, "and yes, I suppose it does— but don't let your head be in the clouds, will you?"

Your lips curve in a confident little grin.

"I won't, 'Gumi. Of course, I won't."

I had forgotten this was there in my drafts. xD

Divider by @benkeibear. Header from Pinterest. I don't own the characters used here.

[dailyanarchistposts]

The power of joy

To emphasize joy, in contrast to happiness, is to move away from conditioned habits, reactions, and emotions. Bubbling up in the cracks of Empire, joy remakes people through combat with forces of subjection. Joy is a desubjectifying process, an unfixing, an intensification of life itself.[20] It is a process of coming alive and coming apart. Whereas happiness is used as a numbing anesthetic that induces dependence, joy is the growth of people’s capacity to do and feel new things, in ways that can break this dependence. It is aesthetic, in its older meaning, before thinking and feeling were separate: the increase in our capacity to perceive with our senses. As Mexican activist and writer Gustavo Esteva explained in his interview with us,

We use the word aesthetic to allude to the ideal of beauty. The etymological meaning, almost lost, associates the word with the intensity of sensual experience; it means perceptive, sharp in the senses. That meaning is retained in words like anaesthesia. Comparing a funeral in a modern, middle-class family and in a village in Mexico or India, we can see then the contrast in how one expresses or not their feelings and how joy and sadness can be combined with great intensity.[21]

Esteva suggested to us that sentipensar still carries this meaning in Spanish: the conviction that you cannot think without feeling, or feel without thinking. As the feminist scholar Silvia Federici explained when we interviewed her, joy is a palpable sense of collective power:

I like the distinction between happiness and joy. I like joy, like you, because I think joy is an active passion. It’s not a stagnant state of being. It’s not satisfaction with things as they are. It’s part of feeling power’s capacities growing in you and growing in the people around you. It’s a feeling, a passion, that comes from a process of transformation. And it’s a process of growth. So this doesn’t necessarily mean that you have to be satisfied with your situation. It means that again, using Spinoza, that you understand the situation, and you’re active in a way that you feel that you are comprehending and moving along in accordance to what is required in that moment. So you feel that you have the power to change and you feel yourself changing with what you’re doing, together with other people. It’s not a form of acquiescence to what exists.[22]

This feeling of the power to change one’s life and circumstances is at the core of collective resistance, insurrections, and the construction of alternatives to life under Empire. Joy is the sentipensar, the thinking-feeling that arises from becoming capable of more, and often this entails feeling many emotions at once. It is resonant with what the Black poet and intellectual Audre Lorde calls the erotic:

For once we begin to feel deeply all the aspects of our lives, we begin to demand from ourselves and from our life-pursuits that they feel in accordance with that joy which we know ourselves to be capable of. Our erotic knowledge empowers us, becomes a lens through which we scrutinize all aspects of our existence, forcing us to evaluate those aspects honestly in terms of their relative meaning within our lives. And this is a grave responsibility, projected from within each of us, not to settle for the convenient, the shoddy, the conventionally expected, nor the merely safe.[23]

Lorde makes it clear that this capacity for feeling is not about fleeting pleasure or contentment: following its line requires responsibility and pulls one away from comfort and safety. It undoes stuckness. It makes stultifying comforts intolerable. In our interview with writer and activist adrienne maree brown, she emphasized that joy is the capacity to be more fully present with ourselves and the world:

I feel very fortunate that my mother read The Prophet by Khalil Gibran to me many times. There is this whole thing on how your sorrow carves out the space for your joy, and vice versa. That has helped me a lot. In recent years I have been on a path to learn somatics, how to be in my wholeness, with my trauma, with my triggers, with my brilliance. It’s all about being present, being awake inside your real life in real time.[24]

In this sense, joy does not come about by avoiding pain, but by struggling amidst and through it. To make space for collective feelings of rage, grief, or loneliness can be deeply transformative. Empire, in contrast, works to keep its subjects stuck in individualizing sadness: held in habits and relationships that are depleting, toxic, and privatized. This stagnation might be held in place by the pursuit of happiness, and the attempt to numb or avoid pain. To be more fully present, in contrast, means tuning in to that which affects us, and participating actively in the forces that shape us.

This tuning-in might be subtle and tender, or it might be a violent act of refusal. Sometimes these shifts are barely perceptible and take place over decades, and sometimes they are dramatic and world-shaking. For Deleuze, thought begins from cramped spaces where one is hemmed in by the forces of subjection. It is not an act of individual will, but a scream that interrupts unbearable forces, opening space for more active combat.[25] This is why so many movements and struggles begin with a scream of refusal: NO, ¡Ya Basta!, Enough!, Fuck off. They interrupt Empire’s powers of subjection and make new practices and new worlds possible. One spark of refusal can lead to an upwelling of collective rage and insurrection. In this way, joy can erupt from despair, rage, hopelessness, resentment, or other so-called “negative” emotions.

Similarly, in a nihilistic vein, the anonymous authors of the queer journal Bædan unpack jouissance as something that exceeds simple enjoyment or pleasure, conceiving it as an ecstatic rupture in the social order imposed by Empire:

We should analyze this distinction between pleasure and pain as being an inscription of the social order into our bodies. And in the same way, it is the mundane and miniscule pleasures produced through contemporary power arrangements which keep us dependent on those arrangements for our well-being. Jouissance, in abolishing both sides of this distinction, severs us from pain as a self-preservation instinct and from pleasure as the society’s alluring bribe. It is the process that momentarily sets us free from our fear of death (literal or figurative) which is such a powerful inhibitor. We can locate this jouissance in the historic moments of queer riot: Compton’s cafeteria, Dewey’s, the White Night, Stonewall, and countless other moments where queer bodies participated in rupture—throwing bricks, setting fires, smashing windows, rejoicing in the streets. But more to the point, jouissance is located in precisely the aspects of these moments (and of others unknown to us) which elude historians, the ones which cannot be captured in a textbook or situated neatly within narratives of progress for queer people, or of rational political struggle for a better future.[26]

Jouissance is difficult to pin down because it is movement and transformation itself. By breaking the divide between pleasure and pain, it undoes habits that hold subjects in place. We are not suggesting that there is some hidden unity behind queer nihilist jouissance, the notion of the erotic in Black feminism, or the Latin American concept of sentipensar. But we do think that these and other currents resonate with the Spinozan concept of joy: a process that is transformative, dangerous, painful, and powerful, but also somewhat elusive. A paradox of joy is that it can’t be described fully; it is always embodied differently, as different struggles open up more space for people to change and be changed. In fact, to grip it, to nail it down, to claim to represent it fully would be to turn it into a dead image divorced from its lively unfolding. The way to participate in joyful transformation is through immersion in it, which is impossible if one is always standing back, evaluating, or attempting to control things.

Another part of why joyful transformation is difficult to talk about is because of the inheritance of a dualistic, patriarchal worldview in which “real” change is supposed to be measurable and observable, and “intelligence” is the capacity for a detached engineering of outcomes. Even the capacity to live otherwise and reject parts of Empire is often presented in patriarchal ways: the subject of revolution is the heroic, strong-willed individual who has the capacity to see past illusions and free himself from mistakes and errors of the past. As feminist, queer, anti-racist, and Indigenous writers have pointed out, this is a vision that falls back on the detached, masculine individual as the basic unit of life and freedom.

Rather than trying to rationally direct the course of events, an affective politics is about learning to participate more actively in the forces that compose the world and oneself. This is what Spinoza meant by intelligence. Supporting joy cannot be achieved through a detached rationality, but only through attunement to relationships, feelings, and forces—a practical wisdom that supports flourishing and experimentation.[27] This is how organizer and militant researcher Marina Sitrin put it when we spoke with her:

I am so excited for this project. It all resonates deeply with things I have been thinking, witnessing, fearing, and dreaming. The role of joy, in particular in the way you describe it, is often absent—though not entirely—from our conversations and constructions in the northern part of the Americas and Europe. It is both a fairly large and abstract concept, and at the same time a very simple, direct, and emotive one. How do we feel when we participate in a movement or group? What are our relationships to others in the group? Does it feel open? Caring? Social? Is there trust? Why do we come back to assemblies and actions? Are people open to one another?[28]

These questions are not just about whether people feel good. They are about how spaces and struggles affect us, and about the potential of becoming more alive, open, trusting and creative. Practices that seem to resemble each other might be vastly different, in terms of what they enable affectively (or don’t). Depending on the context, the relationships, and the way things unfold, a tactic like a strike or a street demo might be based on a dismal conformity to habit or duty, or it might be a profound experience that connects people in new ways and opens possibilities for creativity and movement. It might also be a messy mix of stale routines, reactive containment, and transformative potential.

As we explore in the next chapter, transformative power might look like a dramatic break from the relationships and life paths that have been offered by Empire, but it might also involve more subtle work of learning to love places, families, friends, and parts of ourselves in new ways. It entails deepening some bonds while severing others, and enabling selective openness through firm boundaries. What could it mean to be militant or fiercely committed to all this? Is it possible to be militant about creativity and care? Can militancy be something that is responsive and relationship-based? Can people be militant about joy?

[another-lost-mc]

obey me x pokemon crossover au: the three realms

headcanons | sfw | wc: 0.8k+

a/n: this is an evolving list of worldbuilding headcanons for obey me! with pokemon fused into it.

GENERAL INFO

Pokemon rely on sunlight or darkness to evolve rather than specific daytime or nighttime hours

Each realm has their own collection of common, rare, or exclusive Pokemon

Pokemon that are bonded to angels or demons have extended life spans due to a soul/life connection they share with their trainer

All three realms have their own varieties of herbs, stones, and berries that can be made into treats or used to empower Pokemon

The Devildom and Celestial Realm have offered these rare or exclusive Pokemon as gifts or gestures of goodwill in the past when attempting to negotiate truce/peace between them

Example: Diavolo gave Lucifer a Houndour puppy, a type of Pokemon not found in the Celestial Realm, as a gift the first time they met (it's now named Cerberus and has since evolved into Houndoom)

The Human Realm has its own Pokemon League with regional championships/gyms

Sometimes angels and demons visit the Human Realm just to watch the championship battles that take place

THE DEVILDOM

Since most of the Devildom is in a constant state of perpetual darkness (even if it fluctuates due to time of day/seasons/etc.), dark-type Pokemon thrive here

Access to the small amounts of sunlight in the Devildom (ex. at Diavolo's private beach) is limited to most demons and not reliable/not tested

Demons that want to find Pokemon that thrive in sunlight or evolve theirs using the sun have to travel to the Human World to do it (the angels obviously aren't gonna let them in just for that)

Common types of Pokemon in the Devildom include dark, ghost, fire, electric, steel and poison (found in/near the major metropolis areas)

Rare types of Pokemon in the Devildom include grass, water, ice, fighting, ground and dragon (found in very limited locations or under specific conditions)

The Devildom has its own realm-exclusive Pokemon and realm-specific evolutions

Some Pokemon are connected to certain sin attributes, and a demon with that sin can boost their Pokemon's strength in battle

There are some rare evolutions tied to the demon trainer having a complimentary sin and empowering their Pokemon with it

Human Realm Pokemon are common sights in the Devildom; demons are regularly summoned to the Human Realm for pacts or rituals so there's more access

Pokemon that are exclusive to the Celestial Realm are exceedingly rare in the Devildom, unless one of the fallen angels is willing to breed one of their own

The Devildom doesn't have a formal league or champion system, but Pokemon battling is a common way to settle disputes/avoid violence

Pokemon battling is a popular gambling sport and most large businesses/institutions have designated arenas for battles to take place

Contests and pageants to show off a Pokemon's strength and beauty are very popular and constantly trend on Devilgram and DevilTube

Boutiques like Majolish also sell their own brands of Pokemon beauty accessories

The Three Legged Crow conglomerate sponsors a lot of Pokemon research and preservation in the Human Realm

Portable Pokemon storage and other common features are built into the D.D.D. as part of KARASU OS

THE CELESTIAL REALM

Grass-types are very common and exceptionally strong here due to the constant presence of sunlight

Angels that have Pokemon that require nighttime to evolve have to visit the Human World to do it

The Celestial Realm is focused on studying the impacts of Pokemon on the world and on human souls

Part of raising young angels involves their mentor helping them choose their first Pokemon and learning to care for it

Battling Pokemon in the Celestial Realm is less common and only taught on a fundamental level (so angels can defend themselves if they encounter an aggressive Pokemon in the wild)

Angels that specialize as warriors tend to be the most battle-savvy trainers and fight alongside their Pokemon in special arenas

Common types of Pokemon in the Celestial Realm include grass, bug, flying, water, fairy and ground (found in/near the Celestial Halls where most of the angels reside)

Rare types of Pokemon in the Celestial Realm include ice, psychic, ghost, electric and rock (found in very limited locations or under specific conditions)

Pokemon that live in the wilderness tend to be calm and less hostile, but increased aggression is a sign that some sort of imbalance or disaster is present or imminent

THE HUMAN REALM

Witches, wizards and sorcerers can use Pokemon to enhance their magical abilities or rituals

Ex. having a strong bond with dark types can make rituals and spells more successful or easier to cast, while using fairy or grass types can make the power of prayer more potent

Parts of the Sorcerer's Society apprenticeship trials have tests that require and forbid the use of Pokemon

Swarms of Pokemon that are common in the Devildom or Celestial Realm appear near the place where demons or angels visit the realm

The human world has the most advanced Pokemon-related technology which is recreated by the Devildom and Celestial Realm

read more: obey me x pokemon au masterlist | obey me masterlist

[y-rhywbeth2]

Yknow, after having read Waterdeep and seeing how he’s characterized there, I have a very hard time actually accepting Durge’s *habits* (outside of murder) as being things that Bhaal himself is actually into. I think that bg3 absolutely did him and Bhaalists in general dirty, and I hesitate to consider any of its lore Deity and religion wise canon.

Ah, I'm taking this as an opening to ramble/complain about Bhaal's characterisation and how BG1+2 are kind of misrepresented and this plan makes no sense. Cause I kind of very agree.

(And my response might be off or something because I ignored my brain and answered this at 2AM)

Neither fucking corpses nor eating them are Bhaal's domain, only making them in stylish and skilful fashion (eating them is probably more Malar's deal, fucking them is Sharess' area).

The necrophilia is definitely Durge's personal quirk, as far as I can tell.

Bhaal is depicted with a very literal bloodlust in the Moonshae Trilogy - where he was depicted as brutal, though not stupid or lacking in patience or control of his bloodlust - and his physical hunger for the blood of the living could be interpreted as cannibalism, but that's still just the blood: Durge is taking it to whole new levels. He also did use an army of undead, polluting the world underfoot.

An important thing about Bhaal is that he doesn't just want death: he wants respect, he wants power, he wants to rule. He delights in the fear of those who dread death and violence, and the grief of the survivors, not just the death itself. This guy didn't want to be god of murder, he wanted to be Jergal: ruler of the dead, god of tyranny. His whole argument to the other two when he had to settle for death was that technically he controlled the other two with power over life or death (destroying Bane's kingdom, or starving Myrkul's), therefore he was the real ruler.

You cannot rule a world that has nobody in it to rule. Also he would be dead and powerless because nobody would be there to empower/sustain him; killing the world is suicide. There was a whole three-instalment game series featuring the disaster that happened because Bhaal very, very much did not want to be dead! And a tabletop adventure where he successfully engineered a plan not to be dead.

He did want to kill a world - the out of the way Moonshaes that the rest of the pantheon wasn't really paying attention to - to create his own physical realm on Toril. But he's not stupid enough to aim for the entire planet and start a war with every other god he can't possibly win, nor was he going to lose himself worshippers (the 'world of death' would be populated by undead, his offspring, and his worshippers (the only things permitted to live being those beholden to him and his rule) thus letting him rule his subjects in his happy place unmarred by filthy unfaithful life without killing him - 'let's kill everything on the planet' is not a viable plan.

(To be fair, I don't think any of the Dead Three actually expect the Absolute plan to succeed in-game. They're really not that invested in it, just its by-products (the increase in fear and appeasement worship, and possibly the increase of the power of their churches) and the results of the dick measuring contest between them to prove who's best. We don't hear from Myrkul again after Ketheric falls, Bane shrugs it off if his plan fails and admits he doesn't really care, and Bhaal drops out and loses interest too when Durge becoming the Absolute clearly isn't going to happen.))

And the Bhaalspawn were not supposed to destroy the world or be his Chosen, they simply existed to kill and die to the last one and restore him to life. (And Sarevok was never interested in being a god's Chosen nor did he ever worship Bhaal, only sought to usurp the 'fool.' I will complain about fact this until the end of the world.)

'In order to live again as a deity, a power must be worshipped and cannot have been utterly destroyed [which is basically impossible]...

Some of Bhaal's priests were still faithful and active.

...Then something must be done to suddenly and massively direct a great deal of worship power into the deity. This involves a prolonged ritual in which the dead power's name is repeatedly invoked. Often massive quantities of offerings of the type most favoured by the power are also made...

That is to say: The Bhaalspawn Crisis. Bhaalspawn cause death and spread the memory and fear of Bhaal into the hearts of everyone all over the continent. Their deaths, when the soul goes to the Throne of Blood, plus all the murders they do, would be Bhaal's favourite offerings.

...and sometimes artifacts are used to somehow direct the power generated by the ceremony more efficiently to the deity...

The mana forge.

...Finally, Ao must decide to let the dead power re-establish a connection with the Realms. - Faiths and Avatars

Ao was in fact on standby to settle whatever the outcome of the prophecy was.

That was it. Just a plan to not be dead.

[astrology-bf]

You know what, I'm an idiot and misinterpreted the AU ask, oops. So... ~What if~

~What If~

No worries at all and you're gonna get two because I need to keep the writing muscles in good nick :dab:

CW: Angst, Death Mention, Heavensward-adjacent Spoilers

"...You cannot be serious."

Ysayle's normally cool demeanor had melted into an expression of pure horror, mirrored by the failure of her voice to hide the tearful quaver staining it... tearful, and increasingly fearful.

Haurchefant stared back at her. Every mote of warmth and joy seemed to have bled out of him, and though the winds of Abalathia's Spine bit at him fiercely he gave no sign of feeling anything. His cheeks had turned a raw pink from the chill, matching the ruddy swelling of his eyelids from a constant struggle not to weep.

"Nay, my lady. 'Tis no j-...." The knight was forced to pause and swallow, failing to maintain complete decorum even in the face of a recent enemy of Ishgard. "'Tis no jest. Such was his... his final request."

His hands started to shake violently, causing the still-bloodstained mail of his gauntlets to rattle... mercifully hiding the whisper of a sob under his breath. Though he hardly needed to, given Ysayle issued a loud breath as she turned her head off to the side, screwed her eyes shut, and grit her teeth as she fought back her own tears.

The wind picked up for a few moments, its whistle drowning out the sounds of the two Elezen wrestling with grief. When it settled, Haurchefant took in a long breath before stepping towards Ysayle with a wary, aggrieved, but still resolute expression on his face.

He raised his hands, and uncurled his fingers to offer Lady Iceheart the things he'd been entrusted at the end. A cluster of small crystals, each of a different color with a different symbol etched on each of their faces... and a larger one, a gleaming pale blue of the sort Ysayle already possessed.

When she opened her eyes and beheld what Haurchefant was offering, she knew immediately that its visible aspect concealed five others. A Crystal of Light - or rather crystals, plural - which had been empowered to a degree unseen in this age of the star... but not enough to save its bearer, who gave his life for someone that he loved.

Haurchefant took in another shuddering breath and closed his eyes again. "...He insisted that I pass on his apologies," he said. "...For the burden."

Ysayle stared at the crystals in the knight's outstretched hands. For a long while, she said absolutely nothing nor changed her hesitant and grieved expression.

But as the moments passed, an icy hardness began creeping into her face and gaze. The leather of her gloves let out a snarling stretch as her fists clenched for a brief moment. Then she straightened up, and lowered her chin pensively.

What Ifan wished of her was beyond impossible; given all she had done, and all she felt she lacked compared to the one Eorzea called 'the Warrior of Light'. The foolish man probably still thought she stood a chance of being redeemed.

'You'd make a great Scion', he'd said, with his stupid smile, after they had defeated Ravana.

Impossible.

But he deserved justice, for all that had been done to him.

She could give him that, at least.

Ysayle reached out and took the offered crystals, her fingers curling tightly around them as she felt the mournful warmth surging within the gleaming facets.

"...Very well," she said, nodding at Haurchefant when he opened his eyes. "Lead me to the others. Thordan shan't escape a reckoning."

(Thanks for the ask @upatreewithoutaharness)

[colorpickinglesbian]

History of the Lesbian Flag

Since I run a blog that's all about appreciation for lesbians and our current flag, I thought it'd be fitting to make a post about lesbian flags of the past and how we (more or less) settled on this design!

The first lesbian flag was designed by Sean Campbell in 1999, who was working as a graphic designer for the Greater Palm Springs Gay and Lesbian Times [1]. It has a solid violet background in reference to the tradition of violets as a symbol of sapphic love. The inverted black triangle is used to represent remembrance and reclamation for the lesbians who were marked "asocial" during the Holocaust, much like how the pink triangle was a common symbol in the gay men's community [2]. The labrys was already an established lesbian-feminist symbol of women's strength and self-sufficiency due to its association with the Amazons.

This flag was more of a niche success than the versions that would follow, for a number of changing reasons. The first is that this flag was created at a time when it was just starting to become commonplace for individual identities to have their own flags as opposed to everyone being under the rainbow; the bisexual and transgender flags were both only around a year old. The second reason this flag hasn't seen widespread use is the controversial use of the black triangle. To an uninformed viewer, the inclusion of a Nazi symbol on a flag can be alarming. There is also debate on if lesbians should reclaim the black triangle, as it was most commonly applied to Romani people. The third and most contemporary criticism of this flag centers around its adoption by transphobic radical feminists, due to the lesbian-feminist history of the flag.

There is a current movement to revive or slightly redesign (by removing the black triangle or adding trans-positive imagery) this flag, as some people connect with the empowering and historically significant symbolism or simply think that the most widespread design doesn't reflect their aesthetic or connection with lesbianism.

The second flag wasn't meant for the whole lesbian community, but it became pretty widespread: the Lipstick Lesbian flag. This flag was created in 2010 by lesbian lifestyle blogger Natalie McCray to represent the hyperfeminine sub-community of "lipstick lesbians" [3]. The shades of pink and red, fittingly, represent common shades of lipstick, and the kiss mark is in the upper left corner in the tradition of the bear and leather flags.

In 2013, a version of the flag cropped to exclude the kiss mark was posted on Tumblr, where it was described as a general lesbian flag representing the whole community [4]. In 2015, a DeviantArt account dedicated to uploading high-resolution versions of pride flags posted the version without the lipstick mark, mentioning that it is a variation of the lipstick lesbian flag but still framing it as a flag for the whole community [5]. The admin later revealed that the omission of the lipstick mark was simply due to the difficulty of upscaling the image to a higher quality without the original vector.

This design was moderately successful until racist, biphobic, anti-butch, and cissexist comments from the creator were uncovered c. 2018. The flag was already facing replacement efforts due to its "lipstick lesbian" association making it uninclusive of butch lesbians.

2017-18 was a very fortuitous time for lesbians to be in search of a new flag. Social media use was reaching new peaks and the microidentity boom came with a huge wave of new flags for the queer community at large. Concurrently, there was a big push for inclusivity in the queer community that birthed the Philadelphia Pride flag to explicitly include people of color, the first time the LGBT rainbow flag had seen a revision since it was cut to six stripes in 1979.

It was not difficult to find lesbians willing to try their hand at making The New Lesbian Flag. There were so many interested parties, in fact, that multiple community surveys were conducted to pick a design! (I had the joy of participating in some of those surveys in favor of the 7-stripe flag that this blog is dedicated to.) On the DeviantArt account that posted the lipstick lesbian flag with the kiss mark removed, there are 212 variations under the "Lesbian WLW" category.

Pictured above are three of the most successful variations that came out of this lesbian flag explosion. The design on the left was created by Jace (AKA anurtransyl), with 5 shades of blue and purple representing community values like trust, freedom, and pride. The design on the right won the which-lesbian-flag survey; it was created by Marion (AKA apersnicketylemon), and the four stripes represent different subsets — trans, femme, aspec, and butch — of the lesbian community. The center flag was created by Lydia, the same woman who brought Natalie McCray's bigoted comments to light. It is commonly referred to as the Sappho flag because its violet shade is a direct reference to Sappho's poetry, while its other shades represent the community values of strength, fragility, and healing.

Separate from the evolution of the community lesbian flag, some lesbians were making flags for subsets of the lesbian community. While I won't cover these in detail, the one relevant to this story is the butch flag created by Mod Q of butchspace.

People were naturally attracted to the idea of smashing the butch and lipstick flags together to create one representing the whole community. Olivia (AKA shapeshifter-of-constellation) created a very familiar design (alongside some proposed variations) in July 2017 to little fanfare [6]. No meanings were provided for the stripes, but Olivia mused back and forth with some other community members about meanings that could be ascribed beyond 'butch, femme, and other'. She proposed a couple more variations, but ultimately seemed to abandon the design.

The current design originated in June 2018 and was designed by Emily Gwen [7].¹ By the end of the week, the meanings for the stripes were finalized: gender non-conformity, independence, community, unique relationships to womanhood, serenity & peace, love & sex, and femininity.

There are many reasons why this flag was successful.

The retained stripes from the lipstick lesbian flag allowed it to retain recognizability; someone who has only seen the previous iteration can see those stripes and infer that the flag has something to do with lesbianism.

The stripe meanings were decided with input from the community, resulting in associations that include lesbians of all kinds in a respectful way. Olivia's design faced criticism for implying that all lesbians exist on a continuum from butch to femme, so Emily Gwen's uses "gender non-conformity" and "femininity" to include butches and femmes while including all lesbians on every stripe. Trans lesbians provided feedback in the replies of the original post as well as sadlesbiandisaster's ask box stating that they felt having trans and nonbinary lesbians on their own stripe separated them from the rest of the community, so the white stripe was changed to "unique relationships to womanhood."

Marketability. Emily Gwen allows people and corporations to make and sell merchandise with her flag design on it. Despite the community's attitudes towards rainbow capitalism and the unfortunate financial impact on Emily Gwen personally, this allowed the flag to proliferate.

The color combination is pleasing to the eye. This is obviously a matter of opinion, but it seems to be a widely shared one! This design received its "sunset flag" nickname very early on, which tends to be a positive indicator for longevity of a pride flag.

Catherine Becker created a five-stripe derivative of this flag to facilitate printing [8]. Oversized flags have been a historical issue for the LGBT community, most notably with Gilbert Baker's original rainbow flag which had the pink stripe removed due to poor availability of pink fabric and the turquoise stripe removed to allow for it to be split in half on each side of the San Francisco pride parade route. The simplification turned out to be a good move, as it is the most popular design used by corporations like Disney and Spencer's Gifts.

Anecdotally, Emily Gwen's design is still the most popular at pride parades and online. It's the one we see handed to celebrities like Lucy Dacus and LOONA. It's the one we see proudly displayed in the icons of lesbians online. It's recognized by governmental organizations, universities, news and entertainment publications, and gay heritage organizations.

To close out this recounting of lesbian flag history, I leave you with two of my favorite memes about lesbian flags.

¹ Despite its visual similarity to Olivia's flag from the previous year, both designers attribute this to convergent evolution and deny any claims of plagiarism.

[loki-zen]

the only legitimate anti-sexual-revolution argument I can see is that a lot of people I personally know would be happier had they just settled down and been monogamous. At least in parts of the US, sex positivity had a fair amount of crossover with “anti-relationship”.

I dated the same girl from age 18-23, and I wanted to marry her, and she wanted to marry me. I had this creeping anxiety; that I was too young, and especially that I was supposed to be out “living my best life” as a single guy and sleeping around, and that people would judge me for not doing so. The relationship failed for a number of reasons, but I think if I’d felt more empowered to just be monogamous and settle down it would’ve been a big boost to me growing up and getting my shit together as a partner and as a member of society.

ultimately, being a hip urban single really wasn’t worth it, and looking back, I wish I’d just married her. I’d be happier and a much more beneficial member of society.

my experience might not be typical, and I’m sure intense pressure the other way was also really rough for lots of people. I don’t have much time for the whiny guys who say all women are whores now. I do, however, see a decent number of men who’d be happier if they’d settled down young, and regret caving to the social pressure against doing so. The happiest guys I know married HS or college girlfriends but postponed children until their late 20s. Not sure what that implies about ideal social/sexual/gender norms

I also have concerns about super easy access to unlimited porn and its effects on people, but that’s a consequence of the internet more than the sexual revolution. I do know a shocking number of young guys with erection problems, but the cats kinda out of the bag as far as porn goes

I think it is probably true that on average, 18-year-olds aren't very good at deciding what they want to do with the rest of their lives, in whatever capacity. The relationship you imagine you could have had with her will always be free of the imperfections that come with the reality of anything.

I notice you're solely talking about the happiest guys you know - do you not know any women, or is the pattern different amongst the women you know?

[use-your-telescope]

When Everything's Made to be Broken - Chapter 7: You Resist Me Just Like This

Summary: Loki convinces Theo to spend time with him, and Theo reconnects with an old friend. 

Author's Notes: Hey, look, Loki & Theo interactions! More of these to come in the very near future. And now y’all get to meet one of my favorite original side characters, Julie. 

Reminder - this song is a continuation from the last chapter!

If you enjoy, please reblog!! I'm a lil' blog and reblogs really help me out <3

Content Warnings: Medical Stuff (Theo’s a doctor, so there’s a lot of that in this story, generally speaking), blood (not really graphic but again, working in an Emergency department, there is some blood…), mentions of alcohol

Word Count: 6,530

Read on AO3 | When Everything's Made to be Broken Masterlist

Song: Careful - Paramore

Open your eyes like I opened mine It's only the real world A life you will never know Shifting your weight to throw off the pain Well, you can ignore it But only for so long

Of every change that came with joining the Avengers, there was one that Theo actually enjoyed: working in their private hospital.

One of her conditions of helping the Avengers was that she could continue working in emergency medicine as an attending physician. If she was going to put herself in a position where she’d be killing, the least she could do is help train others to heal - the method by which they healed was unimportant, as long as it helped offset the death. She wanted to stay at New York Presbyterian, but Fury insisted she stay close by in case she was needed at the tower. 

Working as an attending at the hospital in the Avengers Tower was their compromise. 

There were some upsides to the deal. The short commute, for one. Instead of a subway ride, she hopped in an elevator and was at her workplace in two minutes, max. 

The second was a surprise reunion with Dr. Julie Harper, who Theo hadn’t seen since they completed their residencies together at Los Angeles County General Hospital. Julie was a year ahead of Theo in medical school, and though Theo knew Julie ended up somewhere on the east coast, she hadn’t realized that they were both in the same city this whole time.

And now, they were paired up and turned loose on some residents of their own.

“Oh look, fresh meat.”

Met by the collective wide-eyed stares of their newest residents, Theo had to bite her tongue so she didn’t crack up at the terror on their faces, or when Julie - known to the residents as Dr. Harper - rolled her eyes.

“Settle down, I’m joking.” Theo dropped the stern face for a wide grin, letting out a chuckle. “Welcome to the Emergency department, also known as where medicine is practiced in its most pure form. I’m Dr. Theo Amaris, and I see you’ve already met my colleague, Dr. Julie Harper. Along with Dr. Helen Cho, we are three of your attending physicians.”

“This is a sacred place, where we see patients in some of the worst moments of their lives and give them hope - we give them a second chance.” Julie said, gesturing around the room. “We serve anyone and everyone who comes through our doors. We give every patient our best. We do not care about where your degrees are from or your MLE scores; the fact that you are here means you are qualified. What we care about is the commitment, the compassion, and the fight you bring to caring for patients. We can teach you how to triage, how to perform procedures, and how to document everything - what we can’t teach you is the dedication and the empathy needed to truly serve our patients when they need it most.”

Ultimately, that commitment to serving patients when they needed it most was why Theo chose Emergency Medicine. Always in the thick of things, not relying on referrals and scheduling and the restrictions that encumbered most specialties within medicine. No matter who walked through the door, Theo was empowered to help them. It didn’t matter whether they were rich or poor, young or old, or how mild or severe their malady was, she could care for them. 

Granted, working in the hospital at Avengers Tower was a far cry from her experience at New York Presbyterian. Instead of her most severe cases being heart attacks, drug overdoses, and car accidents, Theo treated gunshot wounds, poisonings, major burns from explosions, and severe trauma from combat. 

Dull moments did not exist in an emergency department that specialized in treating SHIELD agents, which elicited both gratitude and concern from Theo; sure, it made the time pass quickly, but she couldn’t help but worry for the agents’ loved ones, particularly when an agent came in whose condition was particularly delicate.

At least in the emergency department, she knew how everything worked. Even if she never knew what to expect when a patient came in, she knew the processes and the steps to treat them. Everything had a rationale behind it - she could weigh the pros and cons of every potential treatment without having to constantly factor in the unknown. Out in the field? She had no idea of what to expect or how to plan for it.

Julie hardly finished her welcome speech when the calls came in to prepare for an influx of injured agents returning from across the globe. From there, the constant onslaught of injured agents created a relentless pace to the day, requiring all hands on deck as they triaged and treated, stitched and bandaged, resuscitated and revived; trauma bays emptied barely long enough to be restocked and cleaned before the beds filled with new patients. 

Minutes before the end of the shift, another mission came back with multiple agents severely injured. Thanks to some careful planning, the residents could leave after their respective patients were stabilized and sent off for surgery or admission to a ward, but the patient Theo and Julie assigned themselves kept the pair two hours late. For Theo, it served as a cherry on top to the end of a streak of back to back shifts that left Theo dreaming of a long, hot soak and a week where she didn’t have to leave her bed.

In the grand scheme of things, rest and relaxation could wait - saving someone’s life always took priority.

While Julie went with the others to wheel the patient to an operating room, Theo hung back, absorbing the aftermath. Crimson coated every surface - the gurney, the backboard the patient was brought in on, all over the floor, the surgical gown she wore over her scrubs. Wrappers for bandages and sutures littered the floor, as did towels that were used to soak up extra blood. Tables with supplies haphazardly pushed aside decorated the edges of the room, some of the supplies knocked to the floor amidst organized chaos.  

Letting out a weary sigh, Theo began the process of removing the protective equipment. First, she peeled off the gloves and surgical gown, bundling them up before she disposed of them in a biohazard bag. The face shield and mask followed, finding their final resting place in the same biohazard bag. With one last, lingering glance at the room, Theo said a little prayer for the patient, then departed. 

Only charting stood between Theo and her weekend. Charting, in Theo’s opinion, was an essential nuisance - documenting diagnoses and treatments administered ensured a smooth transition and continuation of care, but anything involving paperwork may have come from one of the circles of hell. Once she reached the desk, Theo’s focus on finding the files she needed and dreaming about what she was going to watch on netflix left her oblivious to the presence lurking nearby.

“I’ve seen battlefields less bloody than the room you emerged from.”

“Jesus!” Theo practically jumped out of her scrubs as her head snapped towards the voice.

Loki stood before her, a travel mug in one outstretched hand. A wide grin dangled from his lips, sparks of green alight in his eyes.

“Don’t scare me like that!” Stuttering heartbeats pulsed beneath Theo’s hand as she clutched her chest, gasping for breath. 

“Apologies – it was not my intent to startle you,” Loki said, though the quiet pride on his face said otherwise. “I brought you a coffee; I thought you might appreciate the caffeine after a busy day.”

A hundred snarky retorts sprung to Theo’s tongue, but she stopped herself before one could escape. As much as she wanted to wipe the smug look of amusement off Loki’s face, she was grateful for the drink. 

And besides, it wouldn’t do her any good to piss off the one person among the Avengers who didn’t look at her like a mission or a freak.

“Thanks.” Theo took the mug from Loki, their fingers brushing for just a moment in the process. She took a sip, letting the bitter liquid coat her tongue while she gave Loki a once-over. Between the charcoal sweater and black, slim-fit pants, he looked like he came from a day of meetings, not from the gym or from the field, so he probably wasn’t injured… “Uh, how long have you been here?”

“Well, I stopped by when you were meant to be finished for the day, but you were occupied. Based on the flurry of activity, I suspected you would be occupied for some time. It seems I was correct…” Loki explained, studying the room Theo had emerged from with a furrowed brow. “There’s quite a bit of blood.”

Theo almost spit out her coffee at what was a massive understatement.

“Yeah, it was a challenging one…” Theo agreed with a slow nod. “Agent should be alright, though.”

“I thought you were known for your healing abilities–” Loki’s brow crinkled as his focus darted back and forth between Theo and the trauma bay. “ —Is there a reason you did not use them?”

“Bold of you to assume I didn’t,” Theo pointed out, to which Loki faltered. Allowing a small, self-satisfied smirk to creep over her face, she didn’t make Loki wait long before adding: “They came in with other injuries that standard medicine wouldn’t have been able to treat in time, so I used my abilities on those, while the others stopped the bleeding. If I hadn’t, there was no way that person would have any chance of making it.”

“I see.” Loki’s response felt measured at best; Theo got the sense he was trying to suss out the extent of her healing abilities, but she wasn’t exactly interested in that conversation. 

“So… what brings you in?” Theo badged into the computer and pulled up the first of the patient records she needed to update. “You don’t look like you’re injured, and last I checked most people avoid this place if they aren’t injured or dying.”

At that, Loki laughed. “You are correct; I have no afflictions which need tending to. I simply wished to see you.”

Theo nearly choked on her coffee - of all the answers in mind, “simply wished to see you” hadn’t even made it onto the list.

Sure, they were amiable towards each other, but “simply wished to see you” seemed a bit… much.

“You wanted to see me?” Theo tried to hide her surprise when she glanced up from the computer screen and caught Loki observing her with a devastatingly sly smile. 

“Is that not what I just said?” Loki countered, his smile widening.

“You wanted to see me so badly that you ventured down here?” Theo expanded, allowing a smirk of her own to reveal itself. “Are you sure you’re feeling okay? Do I need to go get Dr. Cho and have her check you over, just to be safe?”

“Quite certain.” He winked, leaning against the edge of the work station. “You’re difficult to locate, so I surmised that my odds of finding you were highest if I sought you out at your workplace.”

Of course - he noticed Theo’s habit of avoiding the larger group, and strategized accordingly.

He must not have spoken to Wanda about how cornering Theo went when Wanda tried it, if he thought coming down here would work. Then again, maybe that was a good thing - maybe he wasn't on the “force Theo to talk to us” mission that everyone else seemed to be a part of.

“I had been under the impression that after your last patient you would be finished for the evening,”  Loki continued, oblivious to Theo’s ruminations, “but that does not seem to be the case…”

“No, I have to finish my charting before I can go - it’s essentially updating patient records,” Theo replied, fingers clicking away on the keyboard as she typed. “I have one left, then I can head out.”

“Is this what keeps you late each day?” It could have sounded like a complaint, but the question came off as one of curiosity. “Record-keeping?”

“I didn’t realize you kept track of when I left work each day.” Theo pointed out, clicking into her last patient’s records so she could make sure they were updated. “To answer your question, it depends. Some days I’ll stick around and help the others get caught up. Some days, like today, I end up with a patient that needs all hands on deck, and that pushes everything else back. I don’t mind staying, though.”

“Surely, record keeping can wait?”

“No, because whoever takes over when I leave needs to know what has been done and what the plan is. Otherwise they might double up on a drug or miss something that could kill the patient. In case you haven’t noticed, us earthly mortals aren’t exactly psychic or able to predict shit.” Theo glanced up at Loki and winked, hoping he picked up on her sarcasm. 

He was supposed to be the clever one, right?

Loki let out something like a hum, but remained quiet. As pleasantly surprising as it was for him to stop in and say hello, Theo couldn’t help but appreciate the silence as she finished her work. After such a hectic day, focusing on one thing at a time was a luxury.

Once everything was documented and ready to go, Theo signed out of the computer, clocked out, and rose to her feet. “Alright, I’m all done.”

“Wonderful.” Loki strolled alongside as Theo made her way to the elevator. “Do you have plans for the evening?”

The dreams of a hot bath, binging something on netflix, and sleeping for like, three days straight sprung to mind.

“No, can’t say I do.” Theo shrugged, pressing the call button for the elevator. “All I know is after five shifts back to back, I’m ready to get out of these scrubs, kick back, and relax for a bit.”

Not a direct attempt to give herself an out from the conversation, but hopefully Loki would get the hint and let her enjoy a quiet evening.

“You have been working quite often as of late,” Loki agreed, gesturing for Theo to enter the open elevator first, then following behind. Once he pressed the button for their floor, he spoke up. “Have you eaten? I’m certain after a long day you must be famished.”

Theo bristled at the question, but she covered her discomfort with a cordial smile.

“Actually, I’m alright - I was lucky enough to sit down and eat a sandwich before my last patient,” she lied, “but if you’re hungry you should definitely eat something!”

“Oh, I’m quite alright,” Loki replied, shaking his head. “I ate with the others.”

An awkward silence fell between the pair as the elevator worked its way up to the residential portion of the tower. Theo’s skin tingled as she felt Loki’s eyes on her. Despite the short distance traveled, the time needed to get back to her suite stretched far longer than it should have. She finished the last of the coffee Loki had brought her, then began fiddling with the cup.

“I was hoping I might request the pleasure of your company this evening,” from the corner of Theo’s eye, she could see Loki run a hand through his hair as he spoke. “I recognize you are wary of us, but you’ve rather piqued my curiosity. I wish to get to know you.”

Theo furrowed her brow as she studied Loki, trying to get a sense of his honesty. His body language seemed genuine enough; he stood with open posture, hands loosely in his pockets as he regarded her, and the hope in his eyes certainly appeared innocent.

Then again, he was the god of lies…

“What do you mean by pleasure of your company?” The elevator arrived at their floor; Theo stepped out first, with Loki close behind.

“I simply wish to spend time with you; I have no preference for what we do during that time together. If there is something you would prefer to do, I’m happy to oblige.”

That didn’t make Theo feel better - she’d gotten the impression that Loki was the kind of person who did what he wanted, when he wanted, and rarely made concessions for others. This seemed… too friendly.

Still, curiosity burned within Theo at what would happen if she agreed, and the possibility seemed much more alluring than another night alone.

“Sure, just let me change out of my scrubs.” Theo finally agreed. If things got weird, she could always leave. “I’ll take a whiskey, neat. Highest proof Stark’s got.”

The request served two purposes: first, it meant Loki wouldn’t be lurking outside her door for long, potentially alerting the others to their rendez-vous. Second, Theo wouldn’t have to get herself a drink later on.

“As you wish.” A lopsided grin spread wide on Loki’s face, soft green eyes sparkling with delight. “How would you like to spend the evening?”

“I imagine you know all the cool secret spots in the tower, so if you meet me here, maybe you can show me one?” Theo winked. 

“That seems to be a reasonable request.” Loki smirked. The pair arrived at the entrance to Theo’s suite, both stopping outside the door.  “I shall return momentarily with your requested beverage.”

Once Loki disappeared, Theo slipped into her suite. Peeling the scrubs off her body, she wasted no time changing into casual clothes - not the leggings and sweatshirt she initially imagined, but jeans, a t-shirt, and a flannel shirt tossed on top to ward off any chill. Glancing in the mirror, Theo took a moment to splash some water on her face and re-do her braid, hoping it might make her appear a bit more lively; after having to use her magic to revive the last patient, she knew she was looking a bit worse for wear…

… But Loki didn’t need to know about that.

Theo emerged from her suite to find Loki, leaned up against the wall with two glasses of amber liquid. 

“Thanks,” Theo accepted the glass Loki extended to her, then gestured for Loki to lead the way. “What secret destination are we off to?” 

“You’ve been to Stark’s engineering labs,” Loki stated, briefly glancing back at Theo, “But have you visited the research library?”

“Research library?”  Well, that certainly intrigued Theo.

“It seems that you have not.” Loki’s lip quirked into a smirk as his eyes lit up. “Well, allow me to introduce you to a hidden gem of Avengers Tower.”

After taking the elevator down to Tony’s lab, Loki breezed through the lab as though he owned the place. Despite the late hour, a few people remained at their workstations, tinkering with all sorts of mechanical contraptions. Somehow, no one paid the pair of sorcerers any mind. Reaching the back corner, Loki tapped on a wall panel to reveal a doorknob; with a flick of his wrist, the door opened. Loki stepped aside, allowing Theo first access to the room.

Her eyes nearly bulged out of their sockets.

The room itself was massive - massive - if Theo hadn’t just walked in from another room on the same floor, she would have been convinced that the library took up an entire floor of the tower. The ceiling was easily two stories up, and lined floor to ceiling with books; steel rolling ladders lined the room to provide access to the upper shelves. Shelves full of books filled the floor as well, creating aisles to walk down and browse for literature. The center of the room had a variety of tables, lamps, screens, and chairs for people to set up and work. 

Even as a library, it screamed Tony Stark’s design preferences - clean lines, minimalist styling, bright lighting, no shortage of glass or stainless steel details incorporated at every opportunity.

“Impressive, is it not?” 

Theo whipped around to face Loki, who openly wore his amusement at Theo’s reaction across his face.

“That might be an understatement…” Theo conceded, ignoring the rush of heat to her cheeks as she sipped her whiskey. “And why is this place kept a secret?”

“It is home to quite a bit of, shall we say, sensitive information.” Loki answered, leading her through rows of bookshelves. Tomes in every language known to man, and even some that probably weren’t known, caught Theo’s attention as they ventured deeper into the library.

The nonchalant nature of Loki’s response intrigued Theo - what kind of sensitive information was he talking about? Government secrets? Scientific innovations? International cover-ups? Medical research?

Probably all of the above. 

Theo made a note to come back at a later date, when she could explore without a second pair of eyes on her. Or at least when she was ready to study for the extra certifications Julie recommended the other day.

The winding path through towering shelves eventually led to a clearing of sorts, with seating areas of sleek leather sofas and chairs clustered together and glass tables surrounded by high-back, leather chairs. 

“So you don’t know that much about me, but your first thought is to bring me to a secret library full of sensitive information,” Theo strolled towards the center of the room, still soaking in her new surroundings. “Is this a litmus test?”

“Should it be?” Loki countered, though the relaxed shoulders and way he leaned against the back of a sofa only amplified his knowing smirk, almost as if he wanted to say “I don’t think you’ll try anything stupid, but if you did I might find it funny.” 

“I don’t know - if they have the exam answers for the two certifications I want to start on, it might become one,” Theo joked. 

At that, Loki perked up. “You’re studying for certifications? Of what sort?” 

She probably should have known he would find a way to ask more about her - after all, she hadn’t exactly made a point to share anything other than random anecdotes during their previous encounters.

Certifications were a safe topic, though, so she obliged.

“Yeah - there are certain sub-specialties in medicine that would be helpful to know while working in what’s essentially a combat hospital.” Theo shrugged, taking a seat in one of the armchairs. “Med school doesn’t teach us everything, so I may as well do what I can to stay on top of things. Certifications help with that.”

“Why wouldn’t you have learned about such topics?” 

From what Theo could tell, it was a genuine question, and it made sense for him to ask -  after all, medicine was very different in other places. Theo had heard bits and pieces of what Asgardian medicine was like, before Ragnarok, and it was nothing like what medicine on Earth was like.

Then again, medicine on Earth was nothing like medicine on Aneterra, at least from what Mémère had told her.

“Medicine is a broad topic, and Emergency Medicine is a relatively new specialty.” She replied, pausing to take a long swig of whiskey. “Besides, appendicitis is totally different from a blast injury, but both are very real emergencies. Most of what I’ve been doing has been normal-people emergencies, not superhero emergencies.” 

“Different enough that you’re concerned about whether you would pass an exam for treating the sorts of injuries you might find here?” Loki probed, arching a skeptical eyebrow at Theo.

Great, that’s just what she needed - Loki thinking Theo wasn’t a good doctor.

“I don’t know, it depends on what’s in the exam…” Theo dropped her gaze to the floor, cheeks burning like the whiskey she sipped on. “It’s really just meant to build on skills I already have. I’ve got the core skills, it just takes them a step further.”

“You have incredibly powerful magic, which could be used for any number of things; however, you focus on healing, and rather than rely on magic you also take the time to learn Midgardian medicine.” Loki mused, pausing to take a drink of his own beverage. “There must be some benefit to you, otherwise you would not spend so much time learning medicine that would otherwise serve no purpose. What is your rationale?”

Well, that was a doozy of a question if Theo ever heard one.

Gathering her thoughts, Theo took yet another sip of her whiskey, allowing the smokey liquid to linger on her tongue as she debated how to best answer the question.

“I like to have a variety of options at my disposal, I suppose.” She took another drink, then swirled the amber liquid around in her glass so she had something to look at. “Magic isn’t all it is made out to be, and I don’t want to be in a situation where I can’t save someone because I couldn’t access my magic.”

Other than a rather guarded hum, Loki said nothing.

“Look, I know it sounds weird,” Theo sighed, “But if someone’s life is on the line, I don’t care what I have to do to save them - whether it’s magic or not - I care that they live. There is no place for pride in medicine.”

A silence fell between the pair. When Theo looked up from her glass, she met Loki’s exacting stare. The subtle movements as he studied her, lips pressed into a thin line, made Theo wonder just what occupied his mind - given his reactions up to that point, maybe he didn’t believe her. 

“You’re the god of lies, you should know I’m not lying.” Theo finally challenged, arching an eyebrow of her own at Loki.

“I realize you are not lying,” he conceded, though it did nothing to ease the intensity of how he regarded her, “I simply find you rather… Perplexing.”

“Weird.” Theo corrected him with a small, amused smile. “You find me weird.”

“You aren’t like the others, I can say that with the utmost certainty.” Loki wryly replied, a smirk curling over his lips while his gaze softened. “Perhaps that’s why you are so intriguing.”

Theo allowed herself to sink back into her chair, taking another long drink of her whiskey.

“Why is it that you use your magic to heal others, rather than for your own benefit?” Loki spoke up once more, smirk firmly in place despite the steely glint that came to his eyes. “I’ve heard the answer you provided to the press, but there’s more to it, isn’t there? There must be something which ultimately drives your decisions.”

Apparently he hadn’t finished interrogating her yet.

Theo sighed, massaging her temple as she braced herself for another round of personal questions. “You’ve lost someone important to you before, right?”

Loki’s smirk dropped for a much colder expression.

“Relax - I’m not about to make you spill your trauma to me, and I’m not about to dump mine on you,” Theo drawled, arching an eyebrow at him. “My point is, that shit’s painful. It stays with you. You spend too much time wondering whether you could have done something differently to stop it from happening, thinking about what you wish you could have told them if you knew you’d never see them again. You know as well as I do that magic can’t fix that.”

Pausing to take a drink, Theo took the silence from Loki as an invitation to continue.

“I guess I’d like to think that if I know enough, or if I learn everything there is to know, maybe I can prevent other people from going through that kind of pain. Maybe I can make something good of a terrible experience.” she breathed deeply, then out a humorless chuckle. “Or maybe it’s just me being neurotic and I need therapy.”

When she finally worked up the courage to bring her eyes back up and meet Loki’s gaze, the skepticism and suspicion that he’d previously regarded her with was nowhere to be seen; instead, there was a softness that she had never seen before, a melancholic familiarity that tinted his expression.

“Now, in the interest of not receiving a surprise invoice after you start billing me for therapy, I think it’s time to change the subject,” Theo remarked, glancing around the room. “There’s an amazing library around us to explore. Give me the run-down; what are the must-see parts? The insider tips?”

It seemed that Loki was just as grateful for the diversion; with a curl of his lips, he quickly dove into sharing his guide to the space. 

As she listened, Theo could already tell - she needed to be careful around him, or he just might be her downfall.

You look like I did You resist me just like this You can’t tell me to heal And it hurts remembering  How it felt to shut down

It was like Theo was back in her residency all over again… Or at least, when she was at that stage of her life. 

Takeout boxes scattered across the coffee table, each filled to varying extents with different foods. Julie ordered an entire spread of food, insisting that this was the best Chinese food in Midtown and Theo had to try a bit of everything now that she lived in Midtown. Two oversized glasses of merlot sat, one in front of each woman, as well as a half-empty wine bottle. 

Julie decided, a whopping two days into Theo’s new role, that they were long-overdue for a girl’s night, which meant they ordered an absurd amount of probably unhealthy food, drank way too much wine, and talked about anything and everything. It took a lot longer for the plan to come to fruition - between all the things Theo had to do for onboarding and finding a moment when both doctors were free, it wasn’t until Theo was at the end of her onboarding period that they could find a night to relive their younger years.

Which led to Julie, ink black curls twisted into a topknot and clad in athleisure, sprawled out next to Theo on the couch as they swapped stories and made up for lost time.

“So let me get this straight: the entire time I’ve known you, you’ve had magic? And you didn’t say anything?!” Julie used her chopsticks to maneuver lo-mein straight from the box into her mouth, slurping up one rogue noodle.

“What the fuck would I say?” Theo laughed, then took a drink of her Merlot. “Hey, by the way, I’m a witch? And not in a funny Halloween way! I literally have magic!”

“No? I don’t know!” Julie exclaimed with a laugh and shook her head. “But that’s a hell of a secret to keep!” 

“Well for a while it was kind-of illegal, if you think about it…” Theo gestured with her chopsticks. 

“Right, the Accords.” Julie nodded. “But were you still using magic?”

“Of course I was,” Theo scoffed, “I wasn’t about to give that up - it’s way too convenient! There’s no way in hell I’d get Mémère to move, but I need to be able to see her often and get there fast. Magic lets me do that.”

Julie took a long drink of her wine, letting the burgundy liquid linger on her tongue before speaking. “Is magic why you’re so smart and why you’re so good at so many things?”

“I’m not omnipotent or all-knowing. I’m terrible at a lot of things.” Theo rolled her eyes and scoffed. “Just ask Max - I’m pretty sure he could list off a hundred things I’m terrible at in less than a minute.”

“Oh, right - Max!” Julie perked up, leaning in close and licking her lips. “How is he?”

“He finished his residency a few years back and moved back to Michigan, where he works as an oncologist. He married a pediatrician and they have the most precious three year old named Katie, who’s about to start preschool.”

“Damn, I always thought you should set us up.” Julie placed the back of one hand to her forehead, pretending to swoon. “But I suppose if he has his happily ever after…” 

“Oh my god, Jules. You two would have murdered each other.” Theo snorted, reaching for a different box of takeout - this one looked like it had gyoza - and popping a dumpling in her mouth. She hadn’t fully finished chewing before she continued, pointing with her chopsticks to emphasize her response. “Besides, the last thing I need is the two of you ganging up to give me shit. Separate is more than enough!”

“Fine, I guess we won’t become related by marriage,” Julie barely got the faux-dramatic complaint out before she broke into a grin. “Hey, speaking of – you seeing anyone? Boyfriend, girlfriend, whoever?” 

“No.” Theo nearly spit out her food at the question - given how hard it was for her to even find time to spend with a coworker, the answer seemed like it should have been obvious. “You’ve seen my calendar. When the hell would I have time to date someone?”

“Damn. I was hoping you were and they’d have a cute friend.” Jules sighed; then, a glint of something devious appeared in her eyes. “Wait, what about Loki?”

“What about him?”

“Why does he come down and visit you all the time?” Julie sat up, brow crinkled in thought. “I thought it was because you two had something going on, but it sounds like you don’t.”

“I mean, he’s friendly enough, but it’s not like that.” Theo shook her head, then began searching for something else to try. “He just decided to pay me a visit one day, and then it turned into a regular thing. It’s kind of weird - I assume he wants something from me, but I don’t know what. He hasn’t said anything one way or the other.”

“Have you asked him why he visits?”

Theo rolled her eyes. “That’s far too logical of a solution.”

“Do you think he likes you?” Julie wiggled her eyebrows at Theo, something devilish simmering beneath her smirk.

“I don’t think he hates me if he’s choosing to spend time with me.” Theo dryly replied, as she arched an eyebrow at Julie. “But I doubt that it’s anything like that. It seems like he’s more trying to figure out how I operate.” 

“What if you asked him out?” 

Theo couldn’t help but let her jaw drop at the question. “You realize that he’s my coworker and that I live with him, right?” 

“So?” Julie shrugged nonchalantly. “You dated that surgical resident for a bit.”

“I didn’t live with him, and I didn’t realize he thought they were dates.” Theo pointed out. “If I dated Loki and it didn’t work, I’d practically be living a walk of shame every day.”

“Can you really be having a walk of shame if you slept with a god?” Julie wiggled her eyebrows at Theo a second time, this time paired with a massive, shit-eating grin.

“Sounds like you want me to set you up with him.” Theo deflected, not letting herself dwell on the thought of hooking up with Loki. Anyone who could see knew Loki was attractive, but Theo didn’t need that kind of a distraction in her life.

“No, but if you could set me up with Sam I wouldn’t complain.” Julie took a long drink of wine, her cheeks turning rosy-pink against olive skin. “In fact, I’d give my first born child to go out with him, even once.” 

“I haven’t really talked to Sam, to be honest.” Theo sheepishly admitted, chewing on the inside of her cheek.

“Really?”

“Yeah…” Theo shrugged, staring down at her chopsticks. “Honestly, outside of Loki coming to chat with me, I haven’t really talked to any of the Avengers.”

Julie nearly spit her wine out. “You’re shitting me. You’ve been here for over a month and you’ve hardly talked to any of them?!”

“Jesus, settle down.” Theo held her hand out as if it would placate her friend, but Julie continued to gawk at her. “Honestly, it’s fine! This is supposed to be a temporary gig for me anyways. I would rather not get wrapped up in being an Avenger –” Theo scrunched her face into something unpleasant as she mocked the phrase ‘being an Avenger’ “–I still want to know how to be normal when all is said and done.”

Julie studied Theo for a moment, her playful demeanor gone and in its place something more… serious.

“They are more normal than you think.” Julie plucked a different takeout container from the table, rummaging through with her chopsticks before taking a bite. “I mean, Tony Stark is a bona fide celebrity through and through, but the rest of them are shockingly down to Earth. Is it like they haven’t tried to talk to you, or what?” “Not exactly?” Theo cringed, knowing Julie would flip out when she heard Theo’s explanation. “They’ve invited me to do stuff with them, I just… I haven’t accepted any of the invites.”

“Girl.” Theo didn’t have to look at her friend to hear the disappointment dripping from her response. “Why haven’t you gone with them?!”

“Because I don’t think they really want to get to know me!” Theo finally blurted out, allowing her exasperation to reveal itself. “When they found out I have experience with shadow magic and some experience dealing with shadow beasts, they all assumed I was some villain - plus, when Fury explained I was coming on board to help he told them, and I quote, ‘your mission is to make her stay.’ So not only do they all think I’m a terror or a freak, the only reason they’re talking to me is because it’s their fucking mission!”

By the time Theo finished her outburst, Julie’s expression had shifted from pure shock to studying the Silver Shadow with something unreadable in her espresso eyes.

“If that’s the case, why do you talk to Loki?”

“Because when I met everyone, he was the only one who seemed like he actually wanted to know me.” Theo muttered, then took a long drink of her wine. 

Julie leaned forward, resting a hand on Theo’s knee. “Look, I know you had a rough start with them, and I’m sorry - it’s hard to feel like you’re an outsider. But I think if you took some time to get to know them, they’ll not only fall in love with you, but you might find that they aren’t so bad after all… And if not, I’ll kick their asses.”

Theo choked on her wine at the threat, which immediately left her doubled over coughing. Julie, on the other hand, burst into laughter.

“I would pay to see that.” Theo wheezed, though she was also laughing.

“It would be a shit show, but I’d do it for you.” Julie grinned at Theo, pride sparkling in her eyes. “Or for a date with Sam Wilson. I’m telling you, Nick Cage should have tried to steal that ass, because it is a national treasure.”

The truth never set me free So, I'll do it myself… You can't be too careful anymore When all that is waiting for you Won't come any closer You've got to reach out More... More... More.... More, More...

[ina-nis]

There’s something really disquieting about avoidance: its passivity.

An indescribable acceptance of what were, what is and what’s to come (and the opposite is also true: what weren’t, isn’t and won’t come).

It’s not hard to understand, considering it’s a “protection” of sorts. But that stillness ends up acting as quicksand, sinking slowly, until escape is improbably.

You take it, over and over, and over again.

“That’s how things are (so there’s no point getting worked up over it).”

“There’s only so much one can do (so there’s no point in pushing further).”

And it goes deeper...

“It’s better to focus on things under my control (so conflict and stress about things that don’t fall under one’s control are avoided).”

“Not everything is meant to be (so one can walk away and not having to deal with it).”

In the realm of relationships and connections, one pushes the “burden” of making things happen onto the other.

There’s the “freedom” of knowing how most connections will be transitory and temporary, how relationships will be conditional - oftentimes, from the very start - so why would anyone give it a try? Or fight for things to happen?

“It’s okay if it ends, it’s better that way.”

“There’s no such thing as unconditional love or an unbreakable bond.” It’s even truer when there’s just so many example of absolutely dysfunctional and toxic codependent connections, either people who are bad to each other stuck in a relationship, or good people stuck in a bad relationship, and any variants.

But it’s not as if things were black and white like that. Even when nuance exists, taking avoidance into consideration makes everything much harder..

There will be no fighting, there will be no pleas.

There’s nothing.

Even when you look at an individual dialectically, a person who is nuanced and has many qualities and faults. The qualities, the “good” things, don’t necessarily affect the “bad” ones so... you might be a wonderful person, who’s always striving to heal and grow, while being compassionate and empathetic towards others, and that still won’t do anything about the fact that you’re an avoidant and essentially anguished with an affliction you can do very little about.

Even when you’re someone who can “bring” something into your connections and relationships, it still doesn’t make the avoidance and passivity go away - they might never do.

Of course, nothing is set on stone and change is always possibly.

The reality, though, is that changing passivity into something other than that feels nearly impossible when the consequences of doing so have a very high probability of causing further harm and trauma.

After all, for many, avoidance come from a place of pain.

Putting yourself through pain, without any guarantees it will be worth it, feels like a wasted effort. Pointless.

Perhaps, the pain and “bad” experiences don’t teach a lesson, don’t feel empowering and don’t help desensitize an avoidant, they just push them deeper and deeper inside themselves.

Like quicksand.

How can one fight like this? How can you go head-on when all you have are possibilities?

And how ironic is it... That so many of these “possibilities” feel like merely fantasy.

How have you not experienced such thing?! The reciprocity of a connection, the safety of a secure attachment, a close and comforting bond... not for a fleeting moment but in a way that feels like you don’t have to worry about it ending, even when you know it’s always a possibility.

You avoid transitory things, even when you know "such is life”, because this “life” doesn’t feel good or safe for you, and settling for what “life” (seemingly) has to offer, has left you scarred and depleted.

Deep inside, you believe there’s more, and better, than whatever you had to deal with until now.

You just hope it’s not a delusion too.

[gctchell]

@arachnaemboss asked: 💋 from wife good friend mayhaps?

The first 5 Asks to send 💋 get a kiss // 𝖆𝖈𝖈𝖊𝖕𝖙𝖎𝖓𝖌 ( 4/5 )

A night of shattered glass and busted waterlines within Carmine Industries was finally drawing to a close with the arrival of morning. The entirety of the bottom floor was swallowed in thin puddles, and blood was in the water, led straight to the pile of foolish upstart Sinners who had just begun to make a name for themselves in the Pentagram, and went too far in trying to further that name when they stormed the building. Their varying degrees of death blows spelled out those poorly thought out ideals.

The building itself, as well as its Overlord, were well-fortified - a fact that most seemed to know. It was a doom sentence. The only bothersome factor was that the numbers were in a high count, drawing out the encounter to be more laborious and time consuming than Carmilla would have liked. How unfortunate it was that also, due to this preoccupation, Zestial would come to arrive upon the situation himself once a nightly call was both not made and missed. Something was wrong, and he was right.

What followed with the arachnid's arrival was a bolstered and empowered dark satisfaction, a dance of viscera spun like spider webs and necks clipped like hedges, heads sent to roll with the kicking of flipping heels. The flight of limbs divorced from their torsos and the sweep of a tall gentleman, weaving perfectly with his long-term companion as he would draw a double-barrel armed aquarian taut for her to cleanly puncture through with the tip of her shoe, snapping a spinal column. The rush and the vicious sadism they experienced would be deemed a sickness, and it only proved to be why they both belonged here in the boughs of Hell, doing what demons do and relishing in it together.

Once the final body fell, these reveling nightmares folded back into their refinery as if they had not just wrought final death. Their feet, soaked and dripping, found recline as they took their seats at the dining room table side-by-side. Finally, quiet, save for the crack of thunder in the distance and the yellow-green flash through the floor length windows. An acrid scent peppered the air, hinting at the impending arrival of acid rain.

Quiet and the rumble of a storm on the horizon. A strange peace settling in now as the two finally took their breather.

Carmilla opened her eyes and looked at Zestial, watching him with a slow blink. In her chest, deep in her chest, there was a pounding even now after the adrenaline of violence had drawn to a close. He came. She did not call as she tended to, and he knew something was wrong. He came without hesitation and took part just as fluidly.

A yellow flash lit up the dim room, mute lightening, casting favorable light to crawl over the jagged mouth and the gleaming green eyes. It pronounced his sharp features and almost made him glow. He was beautiful.

The wooden chair the weapons dealer rested in creaked as she rose in her seat and leaned across the way, three fingers resting beneath Zestial's chin to draw him down to her level, meeting her lips on his cold, cold cheek. It was almost too close to the jagged lines of his mouth, just almost, and it held. It was not soft and it was not swift, it was firm and it was warm, holding for a handful of beats of a fast-racing heart.

His complexion, dark as it was, would completely hide the dark lip stain left in the wake of the kiss. Carmilla drew back with her fingers tracing from his chin to his shoulder, which she squeezed very tenderly as she looked in his eyes.

"Thank you, Zestial."

"Won't you stay for breakfast?"

[feeling-diskinserted]

crossposting what i wrote on fb here i guess idk who will see it or care in either/both places

I don't really use Facebook tumblr much anymore but Life Update! TL;DR, I am Jewish now.

This is something I've been personally working toward for a few years now, and it took a lot of learning, reading, community and temple activities, as well as introspection and emotional growth, to reach this point. In many ways, I feel as if I've really been Jewish for a while, and immersing in the mikvah was just a formality -- for instance, I have celebrated Passover with Josh's family for years, and have attended enough synagogue services to become familiar with several Hebrew blessings and other rituals -- but in some ways it is still new and overwhelming to call it part of my identity (and my intentions for life).

I converted through the Reform movement, and have found a lovely and progressive community here in Chicago that welcomes young, old, queer, trans, black, brown, disabled, neurodivergent, and all kinds of Jews. I am interested in a Judaism that emphasizes social justice and radical acceptance. A big part of what drew me to Judaism is its focus on lifelong learning, simultaneously intellectual and unpretentious, embracing constant questioning and wrestling with diverse perspectives. I am not particularly in favor of extreme rigidity or prescriptivism of tradition -- tradition is very often meaningful and special, and the beauty of ritual is another aspect that attracted me, but it all must be balanced with compassion and finding interpretations of those traditions that are productive and conscious. I am also, to put it lightly, certainly not a fan of the state of Israel's frankly despicable actions against the Palestinian people, who deserve a safe and peaceful homeland. Diasporic Judaism has thrived for a long time despite antisemitism, and while I don't feel particularly connected to Israel itself (and find much of Zionism's history actively distasteful and contradictory to my understanding of Jewish values), joining this people is both empowering and humbling. I look forward to continuing to be active in my local community and making meaningful connections through rituals, holidays, music, activism, and other shared but diverse experiences.

I've always had a very hard time opening up about personal things and putting feelings into words. But I have lots of thoughts about Judaism and why it's part of who I am, so feel free to challenge me with questions -- I've tried to keep this short but it just scratches the surface. I haven't even gotten into the question of what "God" means or what I believe on that front, but spoiler: there's no one single answer. One Jew, countless opinions, the rumor is true. That's what I like about it -- I don't have to settle on any one belief, I get to continue to debate and wrestle with nuance all I want! But now, sleep. Had kind of a big day.

[natsubeatsrock]

I'm Still Thinking About Ships and Zervis After All These Years

[tfw you miss the anniversary of the post... by several months]

HAH! You thought I was just hating on Juvia for no reason with my last one. (It wasn’t even that bad.)

Nope!

This is a series of things I want to do. I hope you don't mind that this is the second time to date I've reused this intro. Honestly, this might be one of my favorite intros to any post. The only one that tops it is starting with the conclusion in another post. (You know the one.)

Even then, this post has a special place in my heart. Over the past [EIGHT] years I've been on this blog, I've had to talk a lot about the ships. Part of it is willingly entering certain discussions. Part of it was ending up in the middle of certain fights. (I've learned not to pick fights with people.) This was my first real foray into talking about the ships to a meaningful length.

Overall, I've come to realize that Tumblr is a very ship-heavy site. Much of the discussions involving any series or topic involve ships. I used to think this was only Fairy Tail fans, but a lot of people have these issues. Almost every moderately active fandom on Tumblr has a vibrant (note: not necessarily healthy) emphasis on shipping. For what it's worth, Fairy Tail has also had its fair share of shipping wars.

So I've heard.

I don't have the same horror stories that so many other people have. I started this blog near the time that the series was ended. A lot of the shipping drama was long settled. A few months into starting this blog, there was some drama caused by some Graylu shipper who was causing beef with the Gruvia fandom. But a lot of the back-and-forth with shipping didn't affect me when I made the original post.

And then, there was the University of Gruvia.

I have to be careful when describing this, especially considering the number of people I know involved with this on both sides. I want to provide a fair assessment of this. Especially being on my side of the Gruvia debate. Luckily, I've done this several times for Gruvia already.

There was a desire among Gruvia fans to share love and information involving the ship with others. This was to manifest itself in a fan university of sorts with fan experts and actual teachers working to educate fans. Concerns came from two different places. Some fans were worried that this would cause more fights with people who didn't agree with them. I was part of the fans who thought that other shipping fandoms should get some shine and recognition first.

If you haven't heard about the University of Gruvia, that's because it didn't get off the ground. Part of it was because another group of fans set up a parody University of Graylu. There were some disputes over fans signing up for one to set the other up. The details were handled outside of my sphere.

Two big things came from it, as far as I'm concerned. I did get called out as a salty Graytear fan by some Gruvia shippers. Even though I didn't particularly hate the idea at the time. I just wanted a week for Albis. (Another rant for another day) My rationale was that whatever arguments Gruvia fans would come up with would become so mainstream it would be easy to deal with the fandom, by knocking out the ideas all at once. I still stand by that, though I get the concern others had about empowering toxic fans.

That leads to the second. I've become averse to talking about the ship. I'll talk about Nalu for any reason I feel like it. I don't handle Gruvia the same way. I am more careful not to do a lot to piss Gruvia fans off. I've noticed that the Gruvia fandom is very protective of the ship from people who disagree. (Occasionally to ironic results.) Fairy Tail is the only series in which I have a relationship with the ships I do. You all know me for not loving the big ships and being involved in smaller ships for characters. I still get kudos and comments on a story involving Laxus and Juvia, of all pairings. A lot of the appeal of the ships I don't like is lost on me. I can make arguments for them, but I don't buy any of it.

However, Fairy Tail is the only series where this is the case. I've mentioned liking Naruhina and Ichihime. But those are fairly popular among fans of their respective series. At the very least, the majority of the fandom knows why people like them. Every once in a while, a series will come where I don't love the main ships. Like, I don't love most of the big ships in RWBY, but I get why people like them. Fairy Tail is the only series where I'm actively going against the grain, in regards to shipping.

Unlike that other post about Juvia, I don't have much to say about my opinions changing. Most of what I said in that post is what I feel about the ships in general now. Like whatever you want and don't be shocked if some crazy stuff ends up becoming canon.

Though, I do need to talk about the other focus of this post. When the original post came out, it wasn't too long after chapter 450. If you don't remember, that was the chapter that confirmed a previous relationship between Zervis. While I already intended to talk about the ships as my next topic, it felt perfect to use Zervis as the lens to talk about ships.

It's not an understatement to say that fandom was going ballistic at the time. A lot of people following me probably weren't fans of the series when these chapters came out. You need to understand that, before the Alvarez Empire arc, Zervis was mere speculation. It was an idea based on one chapter of the main series and a few interactions during ZERO. Like much of Mashima's work, it makes sense in hindsight. However, this wasn't a ship taken seriously by fans until it became canon.

Honestly, I'd argue that fans made it a bigger deal than it probably needed to be because of their history. This isn't on Mashima for revealing it as late as he did. It made sense to reveal what happened between them when he did.

Take a step back and think about how much Zervis matters. No doubt, it's an important connection between two of the most influential characters in the series. It also serves as a driving force for the last arc of the series. Its resolution (somewhat?) redeems one of the main villains of the series. I will not deny any of those things.

But let's compare this to Jerza. Jellal and Erza are more influential characters. The connection between them is shown for longer in the series, both before and after the Alvarez Empire arc. This isn't even noting the ways that their relationship, directly and indirectly, affects the main events of numerous arcs. The romance between the two has been far better built up to what we see now in the sequel.

And this isn't even to mention the most important relationship in the series: Nalu. I'm not going to call it a romantic masterpiece. However, this isn't the first time I've noted that their relationship makes Fairy Tail what it is as a series. Nearly everything that happens in the series happens because these two work together. That's before we go into how either of them is either directly or indirectly involved in and/or responsible for major events in every arc.

One unfortunate thing that has become a point of discussion has been the potential claims of pedophilia on the ship. I dealt with this idea in rewriting Fairy Tail, but I want to repeat myself quickly. As I interpret the ship, Mashima's done too much to make the ship feel skeevy. Still, I don't think the ship is pedophilic.

In Conclusion:

Shipping is fun, but their fandoms can be crazy. Please enjoy both responsibly.

Also, don't ask me about the Zervis age gap.

[biff-adventurer]

ok so this actually IS ffxiv related

this morning i saw some comments in a lore channel that uh... it was clearly a joke. but this kind of joke hurts me.

it's ok to make jokes about the garlean empire. IT SUCKED. the garleans in charge, sucked. the cultural purity ethos was god awful. they are meant to be villains. meant.

like the viator says to jullus, "they gave you slop to eat like pigs and you ate it all up." (this is the general idea of the jpn line)

but if we're going to look at them from the side of de-colonizing liberals, marginalized people who want to be empowered, it's not great to essentialize all the culture of any one nation down to its worst qualities.

i'm super NOT pointing at the game. i'm talking about player behaviour. like, if you call yourself a liberal, then you must look at these issues with real nuance. if you call yourself compassionate, you can't then turn around and dehumanize your enemies. that's not how this fucking works.

you look at the culture. you look at the history irl. you understand how they got there, why they got there, and you realize we're having these same problems all over the world, again. ethnosupremacy. racial supremacy. caste supremacy. those who deserve greatness versus those who are born in suffering because they fucking deserve it, apparently.

it's justified to take up arms against the intolerant. it's not justified to essentialize an entire group of people because of a political wave.

i come from the stance that garlean imperial culture, the ruling class and the capital, are highly roman influenced. but that the people and their homeland are russian influenced. and when you look at the russians, at the very least, they are not without their suffering. the people today are not happy with their government. they are not.

slavic peoples carry the cultural story of survival. that every generation has their own suffering they must endure. this includes the russians.

it's just not black or white. we can't tolerate intolerance. when people oppress, we need to say something. do something. that's the important part. so when you're in a fictional setting when you can be a literal fucking super hero, which is something impossible in reality, why would you make the choice to further essentialize and dehumanize your fucking enemy. that takes you back to square fucking one.

extremes work from the same logic, despite overtly espousing different ideas. when in conflict, we require balance. compassion is a balancing act between mercy and truth. how much mercy? how much are we straying from the truth? what level of responsibility is owed? do we owe?

everyone starts somewhere. when it comes to any kind of rp or story telling, everyone starts somewhere. but we are people who exist in a real world. fiction should make us better. it should help us think through problems abstractly so we can observe and refine our own ideals. i just can't agree with making sick jokes about how the nation where the villains come from is inherently bad.

emet-selch? awful. hate him. sphene? literally the better version of emet-selch, has empathy, still unforgivable in action and ideology.

the ancients actually being superior human beings? ridiculous, racist, steeped in ethnocentric bias. does that mean we can't have fucking beach episodes with artemis, apollo and fucking hecate? of course not. so long as we KNOW it is fiction. and that they are NOT superior.

it's all about knowledge and how you use it. it's all about compassion and the choices you make. stupid comments reveal your bias. don't settle on your bias. always reflect on who you are, what that means, what your positionality is, and what you ought to do. especially when you presume to put yourself on a pedestal of leftist ideal in the first place.

for context, i'm an indian who grew up with relatives who hated the british. my grandfather was born during the raj, my uncle said we name dogs english names b/c the british are dogs. my people, the punjabis, suffered a lot of bullshit b/c of the raj and its aftermath. but my first language is english. in the US.

so i'm not talking out of my ass.

[sysmedsaresexist]

So I saw this post going around a bit ago saying that it was endo/nondisordered systems that spread support for osddid systems and pushed for more research of traumagenic systems and idk how true that is considering back then, systems were under the MPD dx before they changed the dx in the DSM. MPD was not the same thing as an endo system, but rather most likely either a traumagenic osddid system that didn’t have a proper understanding bc psychologists didn’t get it yet or a person w bpd schema modes that people misunderstood as an osddid system. (Not to say that systems with bpd don’t exist, we’re one such system, but the two are not the same thing). Idk. I feel like it’s in bad faith for endos to say “we’re responsible for why you have research at all btw”. I’m almost positive it’s just regular traumagenic systems who did not have the same knowledge and research we have now pushing for that/fighting for ourselves.

I'm not sure if I'm misreading or misunderstanding, feel free to correct me! There's a few points I'm going to touch on, though, just to cover all the bases. Settle in.

This is actually a really common myth I see from endos-- that MPD either included endogenic systems, and/or that MPD didn't require distress or trauma, and that the change to DID excluded all these systems by... requiring dysfunction? This chart is often used to showcase the differences between the disorders and how the disorders became "more restrictive", excluding systems from the diagnosis.

Which is a weird argument-- If MPD supposedly pathologized all plural experiences by not including distress or trauma in its criteria, wouldn't you hate MPD more than DID? And yet there's a HUGE community of systems that prefer the MPD diagnosis over DID for weird reasons.

However.

The truth of the matter is that MPD and DID are the exact same disorder, renamed. Even as MPD, it still required trauma and dysfunction for diagnosis (it even still talked about it being a childhood disorder), but even back then, no one read the whole goddamn entry for MPD. From the DSM III.

It's a very frustrating running theme.

The only thing that changed was the name, and it wasn't changed because they didn't believe in the diagnosis. All five were renamed to reflect a better understanding of the mechanisms behind the disorder and dissociation in general. I guess they didn't believe in any of these disorders.

What's really interesting is the changes that were made from the DSM III to the DSM III-TR (PDF). Here's a few choice changes for those on a phone.

(Most interesting to me are the changes to the amnesia criteria)

As you can see, the changes actually significantly expanded the criteria to include more presentations.

The DSM IV is where the name was changed to DID. In less than two years, the DSM IV TR would be released where all of the "cautionary" statements about overdiagnosis of DID would be removed, and we all know what the DSM 5 looks like.

SO.

What were endo/nondisordered systems doing around this time?

Why, being fucking douchebags of course.

The DSM IV was released in 1994, and in 1995, Astaeasweb was started. They were the first major group in this clusterfuck. They were the first to describe "non disordered" plurality, and soon after coined "natural multiplicity".

This was the start of the endogenic movement.

And all they did during that time was call for the boycott of MPD and DID.

"This DID boycott in particular held significance because it caused extreme harm to people with DID/OSDD. This boycott was intrinsically tied to both the anti-psych and natural multiplicity movements. Boycotters often held the belief that DID/OSDD weren’t real and should be removed from diagnostic manuals. Pages on natural and empowered multiplicity tended to go hand-and-hand with boycotting the DID diagnosis as well as boycotting psychiatry or psychology. As a result, this boycott impacted both society’s and psychology’s perceptions of DID/OSDD, and left lasting effects on the DID/OSDD community."

Pluraldeepdive, links and archives in post, check them out, they're an amazing resource.

It was around 1998 that the divide began between "empowered multiples" and "survivor multiples". This is where the real ableism started.

The 2000s introduced the "Healthy Multiplicity" movement. "The purpose of this movement was to establish that plural experiences were not pathological. Participants in this movement often insisted that childhood trauma or abuse could not cause plurality or multiplicity." [x]

This is where we start to see the rise of what is now the endo community, built off the boycott and definitions that were continually being twisted until they lost all meaning.

It went from, "MPD isn't a disorder," to "trauma doesn't define us," to "you don't need trauma at all".

And so it goes, on and on, until today.

A lot of these groups didn't call for more research and they twisted research that was already in use. In fact, in 2003, Pavillion, one of these groups, set their sights on the DID wiki. "The Pavilion organization used a system called action alerts to keep track of various DID-related events or articles. Pavilion members would then coordinately inject controversy and natural multiplicity theories into these spaces."

So in actuality, they were actively fighting and hindering research at the time.

I don't think it matters whether they were actually DID or not-- the point remains that people in these movements had nothing to do with the research we have now, and are in no way responsible for the scientific advancements we've seen.

It's in very bad faith for them to say that.

This has gotten long! I hope I covered everything. Feel free to reach out :)