#its very funny because like this is as objective as possible. and it's a wild reversal of my own preferences LOL

[tokiwarcube]

Genuinely curious!

As unbiased as you can be, which band members do you think have the most boyfriend/husband potential? Like ranked? Maybe with quick, easy reasons as to why you think so? Just something really quick for the flight!

Like I said, I'm just curious where you stand on this since you're my favorite metalocalypse writer atm!

ME? A FAVORITE? You're so sweet, thank you so much!!! <3 Rankings + reasonings below the cut <3

1.) Nathan

Besides Toki, Nathan is the only one who has really shown a desire to get married — and not just with Abigail! It’s been more subtle (e.g. within bonus content for DVDs), but Nathan does think about marriage and long-term relationships quite a bit, even when he isn’t actively dating. I think he’s also had the most normal home life, and while he might not necessarily want a white picket fence and golden retriever, he does have a good idea of what marriage looks like for him. Does he have issues with communication? Yes, of course he does. And that can certainly yield some issues, especially when you’re in a more sensitive state where a bit of tenderness is needed. But he does also show a drive to improve, and when he really cares about someone, it’s clear that he’s capable of shoving down his embarrassment a bit to help.

2.) Pickles

Pickles is complex. He didn’t grow up with a good view on marriage — Not just because of how much he hates his parents, either; even as a young child, he could see just how loveless Molly and Calverts’ marriage was — but that doesn’t mean he wouldn’t consider it someday. But honestly, he’s so out of practice in the dating scene. Most of the relationships in his youth were quick flings, and since getting famous with S&B (and later Dethklok,) he hasn’t really had to put in effort for… anyone. You can get into a relationship with him pretty decently, sure, but that doesn’t mean he’s a picture perfect partner once you’re with him. There’s hardly a time of day where he isn’t drunk, high, or both — and sure, he can usually function pretty well under the influence, but it’s definitely something to be aware of. And there's also days where he cannot stand to be coherant in any capacity, and it's very... well, I'd be lying if I said it wasn't heartbreaking. Sometimes he's sad. Sometimes he's angry at the world. Sometimes he's just loopy. You're never quite sure what you'll get when he hits that point, but it's never pretty. His parents also continuously yield issues — even after telling Molly to fuck off, they still unfortunately exercise a presence in his life (both through physical means and through unresolved memories) that can lead to some touchy moments. And he’s the best communicator out of the boys, but again, he hasn’t done the whole “relationship” thing in a very, very long time. Re-learning how to communicate in that sense is a bit of a challenge! He gets there eventually, but it takes some patience. He’s a very sweet lover once he settles in, and he’s the definition of a ride-or-die.

3.) Toki

I think pre-season 2 Toki and post-season 2 Toki are two very, very different people (Nevermind pre and post Requiem/Doomstar), and I think timing does play a very important role in his dateability. Death has always been ever-present in his life, a dark curse woven into the very fabric of his being… but his father’s death affected him in a way that he’s never quite been able to heal from. And the unfortunate thing is, is that he doesn’t really connect his current struggles with the trauma of what’s happened. He never fully worked through his childhood trauma, and he hasn’t even touched the present. And so he’s also prone to flipping between an almost suffocating attachment and this very tumultuous, yet yearning, detachment. He struggles to communicate what he wants. He desperately wants a long-term relationship, has always idealized the idea of marriage and kids, but communication is… hard. And there’s a lot of times where he just expects problems — financial, emotional, or otherwise — to just be fixed. Or, he just pretends they don’t exist. He’ll slather this facade of sunshine and rainbows onto the world — everything is fine, even when the falling snow sends him on a week-long binge of daydrinking. Can he recover? Yes, absolutely. But it’s a long road that requires a good mix of patience and firmness. But don’t take this as only negatives — when he loves, he loves unconditionally. He’s the easiest person to get into a relationship with, because he’s just so genuine with you. He’s not thinking about the embarrassment of vulnerability, or his own flaws — he just knows he loves you, and he wants you to know that too. And it’s very endearing! Once he’s committed, which frankly comes very quickly, he’ll go to the ends of the Earth to make you happy. And despite his lavish lifestyle, he has a very deep love for the little domestic things.

4.) Skwisgaar

The whole idea of marriage leaves a very sour taste in his mouth — with how he was raised, how could it not? Getting him to date in the first place, even for a month, is a Herculean feat. He’s used to filling his life with meaningless — fun, but still meaningless — sex. And when he isn’t fucking, he’s busy building thicker callouses, practicing until he can’t anymore. He doesn’t need love, he tells himself. It doesn’t exist. Nothing but a fantasy that normal jackoffs subscribe to to make their meaningless lives feel a little less dull. He’s a good friend, but getting him to even admit that he has feelings for you other than lust is a difficult task, no matter how strong those feelings are. Marriage is a whole separate beast. I think once he’s in a relationship, and he’s started to accept the breadth of his feelings for you, he can be a very good lover. We’ve seen he has very sweet and genuine moments with the boys, and it’s not like he doesn’t care. He listens, he’s thoughtful, he’s funny and sweet. He’s got a good heart on him. But marriage? He might come around to it someday, but it’s a pretty firm “might.”

5.) Murderface

William has entrenched himself in a very, very deep pit of self-loathing. He’s like a rabid dog, fearful, lashing out at the helping hands who want to help him out of that pit. He wants to be free so fucking bad, but he’s afraid. Terrified, even. He’s prone to saying very hurtful things he doesn’t mean — both to get a reaction, and to keep his inner self safe. It’s very self-sabotaging. And he flips very rapidly between this false haughtiness and genuine self-flagellation that honestly, it’s hard not to be pushed away by. Which on some level, is the intended effect, even if he doesn’t consciously acknowledge it. He wants to love and be loved, he just doesn’t know how to do that without being vulnerable. You have to be very patient and observant to date him, nevermind marry him. But do know that when he loves, he does genuinely love unconditionally. He’d do anything to keep you out of harm’s way, even if it causes him inconvenience or harm. You don’t even have to be dating for that level of self-sacrifice, really. But getting him to open up at all is a very, very hard process.

[artbywaffless]

hello internet welcome to a super duper duper long rambling explaining the intricate details of why i personally believe jimmy t and orbulon are best friends in my strange weird brain mind

i mean just look at them (warning this will be super ramble-y and very long lmao)

i am an absolute sucker for the idea of polar opposite friendships and these two are no exception. we got jimmy, the super fit and overly friendly celebrity heartthrob. and then orbulon....who is orbulon. a dickish incompetent lazy little ego freak of a alien dude who nobody knows all that much about. literally its the perfect scenario for funny hijinks to ensue. perhaps jimmy helps orbulon get out there and stop being a douche???....perhaps. i love to imagine that orbulon was eve douchier when he first got to earth and jimmy pulled an "i can change him" WHICH SOMEHOW WORKED probably because he is jimmy t and he is awesome

DANCING!!!!!!!!! this is kinda a random thing that kicked off my whole idea of this friendship but they both seem to have an interest in dancing. for jimmy its pretty obvious but for orbulon its literally only in inc and i am stretching this so much he literally only mentions dancing in his break scenes like twice lmao case and point:

boom. i am objectively right here.

3. it brings me comfort to think jimmy helped orbulon realize not all earth folk are dickish assholes even if i imagine orbulons first time on earth he was a total snob who would never except the help of an earthling if his life depended on it. yeah hes a little bit of a meanie sometimes. but hey at least jimmy got our silly pal over here to open up at least slightly 4. jimmy is childhood friends with wario so its a bit of a given he has somewhat horrible taste in who he befriends yet somehow it worked out a bit this time cuz even orbulon wouldnt stoop to the douche levels of someone like wario. plusssss orbulon is technically warios oldest employee so it kinda goes back to them having a sort of "friend of a friend" bond at first? 5. i find humor in the idea that most likely even ORBULON is confused by some of the wild stuff jimmy does. like being friends with jimmy had him unlearn a good chunk of his earthling knowledge because this is jimmy goddamn thang we are talking about and he is possibly the least conventional person alive (except mona but she is her own other level of weird)

6 (the true reason). theyre my two favorite warioware characters and i want an excuse to draw them together constantly

thank you for coming to my warioware talk

[freshlybakedspiderbread]

seiga kaku?

im gonna actively try to keep myself concise and to single points because its been so easy for me in the past to get lost in wicked hermit thoughts and veer off who knows where... Part of it surely has to do with how a long time ago i used to have an rp blog on tumblr where i spent everyday thinking about seiga to some extent!

General opinion/How much I care about them: there was a long period of time where i would say without a doubt she was my single favourite character in touhou. I couldn't properly point to any one reason, or any tidy chain of events that might have led to it, other than learning about her, reading and seeing various very formative doujin works featuring her and the th13 crew, and maybe some old-fashioned projecting led me to latching onto every aspect of her... These days, there's a lot of touhous I obsess and go wild over and to even greater extents than her, but seiga objectively has the longest history of making me go a little nuts, whereas even aya took a little more time to nettle into my brain.

I like Seiga a lot and ive thought about her a lot, is what im getting at!

A ship I love: seiyoshi (seiga/yoshika) is funny in that it has a lot of little 'requirements' to me. Like if intepreted as just purely the evil hermit controlling a tool that she herself murdered to obtain, i think thats boring. But likewise, if its intepreted as just the hermit tragically trying to preserve her departed beloved, well that might be better but still lacking to me.

i couldnt possibly get across my ideal backstory for them right now, but the ultimate gist of it is that Seiga definitely did care for the living Yoshika who then died unexpectedly, before Seiga could decide herself whether she would commit to teaching her the ways of the hermit or simply get bored and move on. Her main motivation in performing the most ludicrously evil magic and create a jiangshi was because she refused to let even the natural order of life and death take anything away from her.

....Thaaaat all aside, i think their interactions in present day are just really funny 😄 Seiga 'spoiling' her dear Yoshika who laughs off being a meat shield because its not like she can die again!

A non-romantic relationship that I love: I think Seiga and Futo have the most oddball dynamic among the taoists and also Futo is probably the only one Seiga wouldn't have intense romanctic tension with. Futo who is a weirdo herself, acknowledges Seiga as their wise teacher of the arts (calling her seiga-donno) and yet also does not think of her as above any of them in their little personal hierarchy because Futo knows Seiga has no interest in being a proper retainer to Miko, so all of Futo's formalities almost come off as either sarcastic or as a really esoteric form of endearment. Meanwhile, Seiga probably thought a long time ago Futo would grow weary of things like loyalty and matters of noble blood or talking like an ancient old person, but none of that happened and Futo remains the same as ever, which has been altogether surprising, charming, and exasperating for Seiga (and everone else but they're all mostly charmed 😊)

The NOTP: i guess you'd have to work especially hard to get me to gel with pairing her up with any of myouren temple's folks. I get the temptation since every other taoist has one or two easily paired up counterpart there, but its not enough to just cross a checklist and leave it at that!

(that said, if you were gonna pair up buddhists and taosists thematically, i get why one might put seiga with shou since they were technically most vital in backstory with miko/byakuren respectively, and also because they both have a servant, one jiang-shi and a mouse. but i always thought seiga made a better parallel witn nue personally)

My biggest headcanon about them: most of this post is already headcanon, but as for another 'big' one...

I believe over the last thousand and whatever years, Seiga made semi-regular (as in maybe once every few years or a century?) visits to the tomb where Miko and gang slept, indulging and refreshing her memories of them, chatting up Tojiko who is now a ghost. And then sometime in 2011 right as her hermit senses told her it was finally time to meet them all again, she went to to tomb to greet them all only to find out literally the entire place was gone 😨

so all within like a week or something, Seiga had to go on a mad investigative quest where she discovered they had all been whisked to Gensokyo at some point, had to learn what the heck Gensoyko even is, how to get herself there, and then arrived just in time to get blasted by the incident resolvers. Really busy time in her life!

An idea for a fanfiction I would like to write/read about them: ha... one day, my multi-part seiga backstory fic incorporating every stray headcanon i've ever had. and then i quit writing forever maybe n_n

That aside, a funny scenario would be Okina appearing trying to stir drama because Seiga is basically the reason why Miko divorced Okina. And Seiga has no idea who she is or about any of that because Miko never mentioned it 😌

Something that makes me think of them: pretzels.

also its someone elses fault but luo tianyi is just the seiga vocaloid to me 😑

[niuttuc]

So I saw a post about this concept and thought it would make for a interesting ask. Magical damage, like a necromancers fingers slowly turning black and losing sensation or a wizard with lighting bolt scares across their arms. What dose it look like when Arnoss, Zarunpel, Sezashi and Dancing-Hands push their magic beyond what their bodies can handle?

I find this question funny because of all my characters you could have picked, those are probably the ones that can strain their magic the least! So instead, let's talk about why they don't really do that, and we'll touch on the question! But I do appreciate the effort of narrowing down your questions to some characters for the copy-paste when it comes to my inbox, it hasn't gone unnoticed.

Most of the magic for Arnoss and Zarunpel is passive.

Zarunpel's "blessing" from the Wilds might not even function under the same rules as traditional magic, it follows more narrative rules. It affects her body and hair in many ways, but when it comes to the limits of it, it often is more about what would make a better story. She's stronger than someone that looks like her should be, but depending on what she has to do, the exact degree to which this is true varies. As long as it's somewhat reasonable, in important situations she's often just strong enough or almost but not there, depending which tells a "better" story. Of course, she has no idea how that works.

As far as her spellcasting, it's mostly temporary protection spells, they're more likely to be cast too late or not last long enough than to hurt her when she overuses them. Which means she or whatever she's protecting gets hurt the way it otherwise would have been. When the Urborg panther living in her shadow gets "killed" or banished in some ways, Zarunpel can also be left without a shadow for a time while Vel reconstitutes.

Similarly, Arnoss's magic is mostly passive buffing and reinforcing his scales, when it is overstrained, he gets hurt the normal way. However, it also depends on how many people need and want his help nearby, and in some cases that can be overwhelming to feel during major disasters in populated areas. So many people needing help and he can't help all of them. And he's found that when he tries to help all of them in a city when it's not a disaster, he exhausts himself going from one to the other for hours and days, there's always something in large population centers.

Sezashi has a hard cap on the number of spells he can maintain at once, at four, represented by the floaty objects that orbit him. While some are harder to maintain than others (maintaining multiple charges of the same nature on someone else requires concentration and effort), the failure point is usually just that one or multiple of the spells slip and come back to him, and he probably isn't in a state to reuse them just yet. With that said, premature failure of magic that can manipulate sizes and create duplicates is generally not a good idea, plenty of unfortunate timings possible. Also duplicates that are ended in this way don't fuse back as cleanly to the original, which certainly causes headache and can cause the loss of memories the duplicate had.

Dancing-Hands's innate telekinesis can be overpowered or overwhelmed, but it's very difficult, and it generally doesn't strain the kitsune much to use. Using it on non-physical things is more relevant here. It only works on nonliving elements. Using it on eldrazis, even scions and briefly, made him feel sick and gave him headaches, and he couldn't sustain it for more than a few seconds. He rediscovered how to use it on magical effects not too long ago, and that has taken a lot more out of him, and could potentially replicate or redirect harmful effects to him if he's not careful. The telekinesis itself is invisible if not for its effects.

As far as his Kanji magic, well, he typically only uses ink, and on paper, but much more powerful and dangerous opportunities are possible when this type of magic is used with blood (or other living material) and on living tissue. Be it using his paper blade on himself or drawing with his own blood on paper, the result would be white paper and fur marred in reds. It's not something he'd ever want to do, but in theory, it's possible.

[c0rvidbones]

Out of all your OCs, who's your favorite and why?

>:D YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW HARD OF A QUESTION THIS IS BUT IVE BEEN DYING FOR SOMEONE TO ASK ABOUT MY OCS

GAH okay okay its a HUGE tossup between two of them and it doesn't help they are Brothers but I think I will have to say it's Umbra! Infodump that's super long and also art by my sick ass friend under the cut.

This is him! My feral bastard man, the one with the blue hair and pronouns! I realised while selecting these I literally do not own a single piece of art that is him by himself, he's basically glued to the hip of his husband, Penchant (written by my friend over at @/cherryfull, who also does draw all of this GORGEOUS art. The other person in the very last picture is his little brother, Axel)

Please know Umbra isn't small, Pen is just a fucking Giant of a man at a hearty 6'7"

[Quick info; he is a like 5'8-5'10 ish polynesian-french transman and a [very, Very fallen] angel of knowledge, and he struck a deal with the primordial Chaos to share and gain all the knowledge he possibly could in order to bolster his magic to an unreasonable level when he calls on it.]

He's a weird little man who I have been writing for like, 11?? Years now? He started out SO different, all warm and bright, passive and pastel/cottagecore, but through all of his batshit insane Events he's ended up this goth mildly aggressive edgelord (affectionate) who is mean for fun but is also still secretly helpful.

I think a huge part of him being my favourite, aside from him literally being my oldest, is that he has always been how I processed a lot of stressful things and got through unhappy times. I love calling his current era his "villain era" but it literally kicked off with him deciding to stop being a doormat of a boy and stand up for himself. Most of what he does is direct response to his own boundaries as he is STILL learning how to set them.

That said, he did once break someone's leg and dispose of them on said someone's ex boyfriend's doorstep with a boxed homemade cheesecake that said Happy Birthday on it; it was because those two were Yet Again pining for each other but were not doing Anything about it, and it was driving him nuts. He's still the village bastard because of this, and, even if it was a really convoluted plan to get those two back together, it wasn't exactly something a Normal and Sane man would do.

He also has a BLATANT disrespect for personal space with others most of the time, at least in terms of their homes. He has often and frequently, Uninvited, portalled into other people's homes. It has caused more than one fight, and once he agrees to not coming over unless he has asked permission or invited, he usually stops coming altogether because to him, it's no longer "fun."

I know, I know, you may be asking, why do you love this objectively terrible man, Observatory. Well, you see. I find him very funny. YES I know I write him but my very small rp group all agree sometimes the muse writes themselves and in the case of Umbra, he does so often and with wild abandon. He got jealous of a set of weights his husband put on his back and frisbee'd them into the wall so he could perch there like he usually does instead. He nearly threw a vampire off a yacht into a river because they were eyeing him a little too much. He regularly makes Nyquil Chicken and gives it to unsuspecting fools who, for some reason, keep forgetting he loves giving people Nyquil Chicken. Do you see why he's hilarious to me.

ALSO, while yes he is a terrible person with zero (well, One, but he's his sister-in-law's husband's brother so. Distant-ish family?) friends outside of direct family by marriage, if you DO manage to earn his loyalty, he is actually not just a Better person to you, but he is a Kind and Caring and VICIOUSLY protective person. He seeks out bountiful physical contact and often offers food and company, he will help you with everything in his power (which is a lot, because yeah, he has kinda ended up overwhelmingly overpowered because of RP events) when you need it. He doesn't like to use his healing magic anymore, it feels too much like an echo of the doormat boy he used to be, but if he cares, Actually cares about you, he will offer it, and it will mean the World.

Unfortunately because of how complex he's become over the years, he's nearly impossible to RP with new people because he has such Thick history and I, an autistic person and his creator, can't help myself and will talk about him nonstop whenever possible.

tl;dr He's an awful person but he makes me laugh and that's the most important thing.

[lilflowerpot]

hello again~

I'm here to ask a question about LoZ. so, I have a friend who plays and recommended it to me because she knows I love open world games and breath of the wild is (apparently) one of the best open world games ever and I've been hesitating ever since. she might be a little biased tho lol

and like. there's a sale going on right now for botw, so the recommendation just kind made itself known in my memory again

anyway so, basically I'm here to ask if it'll be worth it? I mean, the general consensus wherever I go seems to be 'amazing, go get it u won't regret it'

(and, this is totally optional, but if you could answer asap that would be great because idk when the sale ends, thank you)

p.s I love little blade. you're amazing

I think it's obvious by now that I am a //massive// Zelda fan so tbh I'm likely no less bias than your friend lmfao, but that being said I'm going to try and give as balanced a response as possible!

Pros

BotW is beautiful, and I mean b e a u t i f u l . The graphics have this lovely watercolour quality to them as an ode to the artstyle used in Skyward Sword, but more crisp & refined. Unlike a lot of the big open world games (looking at you skyrim) BotW doesn't sacrifice colour or try to be "gritty", but rather leans into that soft-apocalypse, studio ghibli vibe.

The narrative is equally lovely and fulfilling, and depending upon what order you collect Link's memories in you will likely have a different gameplay experience. You'll also meet a lovable cast of characters to whom you'll end up unreasonably attached, which will ultimately break your heart in the end,,, I apologise in advance, but I promise you it's worth the pain.

On that note, do it for my bitch-ass bird son. You'll know him when you meet him.

Link can jump. This will mean very little to you if you've not played a LoZ game before, but my boy can fucking JUMP.

You can also climb pretty much everything (bar like one specific material) which means if you want to get to that Cool Thing Over There, then with a mix of mix of ungodly arrogance, sheer willpower, and a lot of stamina potions, you can. If you suffer from the magpie brain (ie. you see a new shiny thing and become immediately sidetracked from your original objective) this will mean that you take about 10x as long as you should to do literally anything, but my god is it fun.

The soundtrack gives me feelings that I cannot put into words, and the voice acting is //phenomenal//. Importantly, Link himself does not have a voice actor which is the only correct choice considering he's been heavily implied throughout the entire LoZ franchise to be an elective mute, and I would have //hated// hearing him speak.

Link is also just a very sweet & funny golden retriever boy who occasionally sasses back like nobody's business. 10/10 protagonist.

If you like women, you will like them even more by the end. If you don't like women, there's a 90% chance you'll seriously reconsider it upon meeting [REDACTED].

The game has something for everyone: you like exploring? Well you're going to do a lot of that. You like collectables? There are so many outfits (that you can dye to your liking!) and a wholeass compendium to fill out. You like puzzles? You'll certainly find your fair share. You like combat? The basic mechanics are what you'd expect with there are enough different enemy types to keep it interesting, but dO NOT FIGHT A LYNEL WITHOUT MAKING SURE YOU HAVE ENOUGH WEAPONS BC THEY WILL BREAK AND LEAVE YOU WITH A VERY ANGRY VERY MEAN MAN TRYING TO KILL YOU.

It is genuinely very good value for money, and even more so if you can get it on sale! Not only do you have the mainline game & all its side-quests, but there's also the expansion pass, and, of course, an entire sequel just ready and waiting!

Cons

Sometimes the open world can feel a little too open. Considering the game's context, it makes sense, but comparatively games like Skyrim feel more densely packed with Things To Do, whereas BotW has several areas of overgrown nothingness that are lovely to look at, but not especially interesting (though this is better rectified in TotK).

You can't swim underwater. This was not rectified in TotK, though I dearly wish it had been.

A lot of fans used to complain about the temple format of p much every Zelda game up until this point, so the developers essentially removed temples altogether and instead replaced them with only four (technically optional) Divine Beasts, plus Hyrule Castle itself. I... did not like this. I'm a big puzzle girlie, and though BotW has shrines scattered across the landscape—most of which are puzzle-based—I personally felt that this substitute was lacking in comparison to the original. TotK does improve on this by reintroducing temples, but I still could have gone for a few more (Skyward Sword was the opposite of this, with very linear gameplay which a lot of people hated, but I personally will stand by SS's Ancient Cistern until my dying breath, and Twilight Princess had some really innovative temples that I have replayed several times over).

On a semi-adjacent note, the final boss just... wasn't my favourite. That's not to say it was bad, only as boss fights go I've had better (I did, however, like the final segment of that fight).

You will develop an immediate fear response to the Guardian music.

Ultimately though, I absolutely do think you should buy it, and am jealous that you'll get to have that bright-eyed bushy-tailed first-time experience, because believe me, if I could erase my memories and play BotW all over again, I would.

[iceskatingmobsters]

so. ffxiv classes for Outer Wilds characters? I am interested

you ever accidentally leave something in your drafts for like a week? anyways, it appears you have activated my trap card--

this is a VERY incomplete list because I'm in between classes for a lot of them. everyone gets a dps and support class so party composition can be shuffled around (because thinking abt party dynamics is half the fun). this is gonna be disjointed as hell bear with me and under a read more because it got LOOOONG. spoilers below ye have been warned

Feldspar: your honor this is a dragoon and I refuse to take any other answer. as for a support class, they're definitely a tank and I can preeeeetty much see them going any tank that isn't paladin but I lean dark knight personally -- the invuln in particular sells it for me, more than warrior's even, because you refuse to die and THEN heal yourself back to full. very self sufficient but still needs help from the party. still can very much see them as a warrior (who needs a healer when you have bloodwhetting) or gunbreaker (superbolide is an objectively funny ability and my brain can't let go of the image of feldspar panic-bolide-ing)

Slate: the easy answer is machinist and gunbreaker and I'm going with that. with all the stupid stuff that machinist gets in its later levels ESPECIALLY like you get a flamethrower and multiple attack automatons it's practically tailor-made for slate "my autopilot throws you into the sun but it's functioning so I'm using it" outerwilds. gunbreaker I'm less sure about for lore reasons but I do know that should Slate go gunbreaker they superbolide maliciously (gossan refuses to heal if slate is tanking). can also see them going black mage or warrior as well

Gossan: I had a hard time pinning them down to be honest!! I've mostly settled on sage/ninja. NIN is flashy but not as much as dragoon is, plus it's more precise than DRG's "jump in the middle of the pack with a trail of fire and pray." also, trick attack/mug I rest my case. could also see them swinging monk because iirc monk has more overall party buffs (possibly red mage but my brain insists they're melee). as for sage this was more of a process of elimination -- I wanted them to be a barrier healer but I didn't think scholar fit them. sage's multitasking "do damage to heal" also Fits in my head for whatever reason

Hornfels: astrologian/red mage. they keep the observatory of COURSE they're an astro! the entire job quest is about awakening your abilities through observation of the stars! I also like the idea of them being a pure healer vs gossan's barrier healing but this is just to service the "slate healchecks the party with superbolide" joke. red mage because it's got so much party utility and Hornfels Is A Mage (black mage Hornfels would be very funny though considering black mage/thaumaturgy lore I'm not sure they'd go that route. summoner maybe, but again, considering lore eehhhhh unsure if Hornfels would like to square up with bahamut any time soon. most hinged member of owv)

Esker: my s.o who loves esker dearly is 100% convinced Esker is a blue mage which is very good considering it's a limited class but in the context of "everyone is actually in eorzea" I myself think they'd go for summoner and a tank (I'm leaning warrior). despite the summoner class quests once you actually do square up with various monsters and primals it gets pretty relaxed from there, and that fits prettty well -- esker did a lot of scary work getting the moon base up and running, and now they're kinda vibing, even if it does mean that the others esp. the newer owv members forget the work they put in (hey remember when summoner had a five-minute/sixty skill opener???). tank, specifically warrior because... ok forgive me but you know the end of bloodborne when gehrman gets up from the chair? That's Esker

Gabbro: they're a bard. quintessential full stop bard. like bard barely has a real rotation you just hit your procs as they light up and the later class quests are "one of your two job tutors and the one that is ACTUALLY A BARD fucks off to do smth stupid and unrelated and comes back with something useful and poignant, somehow" hi hello COME ON. I'm putting their support class as tank but I feel like they pretty much go bard exclusively. if they do tank I initially thought paladin but maybe they get DRK rights after being stuck in a time loop idk. that's probably enough angst to awaken an Esteem if gabbro decides to unpack that (they won't)

Riebeck: scholar scholar scholar it's perfect considering how archaeology-focused the SCH quest line is. Riebeck also deserves a cute lil fairy friend please give this fish eos they deserve a break!! as for THEIR dps class they have to be ranged, no way in hell Riebeck is getting within five ft of Thing That Wants To Kill Us. they're probably either bard or red mage (RDM being the relative Sanest magic dps option though good luck convincing them to Actually Do their melee combo). they'd be a shoe in for MNK since its questline is also about restoring a lost offensive art but, again, not brave enough for that ;; (though that would be a beautiful lil self conatined character arc, going from bard to red mage to monk as they get more confident and braver)

Chert: 100% astro they wear a scarf embroidered with the stars. this also furthers my "hornfels as chert's mentor" agenda (that I really wish I saw more of YES I have wips about it). also it's got lovely angst potential considering astrologians are supposed to divine the future from the stars : ^) I'm pretty sold on chert going monk for its themes of discipline, and because despite its scrappy beginnings, it's also a pretty precise class. could also see them as samurai considering how seriously that class takes itself (at least in its first four or five questlines, I've only got it to 59 yet oops). chert absolutely gets Melee Rights tho

Hatchling: omniclass they get to do whatever they want LOL no, actually, in all seriousness I have them as a PLD -> DRK and reaper. the reaper choice is based on the newest dungeon where you get some lore about a former I think garlean settlement that gave rise to reapers for defence purposes (they were farmers that basically made deals with demons to protect their home from demons iirc) and the nomai could absolutely fuckin stand in for that, so it makes a sort of poetic sense that the hatchling would pick that up after them. PLD to DRK for the same reasons as Gabbro but the hatchling sure does unpack all that

As for the other villagers, I only have four that I have solid ideas for right now. Gneiss is a bard/white mage, Hal is a scholar (there is a part of me that wants to make them a black mage as well since black mage invents new spells all the goddamn time and definitely not because I'm a blm/sch,) Rutile is a paladin, and Porphy is a white mage/dancer (did you know that NIN is really high on the dance partner priority list?? :3c) it'd make more sense for the villagers to be disciples of the land/hand exclusively -- gneiss as a carpenter, porphy as a botanist, spinel as a fisher (lol), hal as probably an alchemist -- but this is already a crack crossover and I'm making the rules so everyone gets a disciple of war/magic even if they wouldn't need one

for party compositions and dynamics I will be brief bc this is so long already but light party one would be feldspar and gossan as DPS, hornfels as healer, and slate as tank OR feldspar as tank, slate and hornfels as DPS, and gossan as healer. light party 2 used to be Esker as tank, gabbro and chert as DPS, and riebeck as healer/esker and riebeck as DPS, gabbro as tank, and chert as healer (though the second config happens rarely). full party would be prooobably esker and slate on tank, riebeck and hornfels healing, and the rest on DPS. once the hatchling is trained they take esker's place -- esker is enjoying their quasi-retirement from adventuring for the most part but misses it sometimes and will step in to fill as necessary.

...oh god I have so many dark knights what happened--

[nepallomo]

Goodbye deponia hints

#GOODBYE DEPONIA HINTS HOW TO#

#GOODBYE DEPONIA HINTS TRIAL#

Sometimes it works, tying in with the slapstick humour, but other times his antics fall a bit flat and some of the jokes in the script can feel quite crude and clumsy, in my opinion, possibly having lost something in translation. There’s still plenty of that, and Rufus can very often come across as a thoroughly unlikeable character, whose trail of chaos only hurt the people around him. There are actually some quite lovely moments of drama in there, thanks to some of the big shifts in the story, which allow for more than just overconfidence and brash actions from Rufus. Thankfully, the difficulty and complexity wasn’t always as high as that first area, and throughout I was able to enjoy the overall story. In fact, it’s an area which has several strands of puzzles which tie together towards a final scene, but I almost felt a little lost in what I could and couldn’t do yet. The first major area spreads across a multi-layered hotel, as an example, and it’s only by exploring and trying out every item and speaking to each person at least once that you get any idea of what you might need to do. There’s no sign of an effective hints system to help you along outside of the handful of mini-game puzzles, and I did on several occasions turn to a guide to help me progress.

#GOODBYE DEPONIA HINTS TRIAL#

The only problem being that this is such a wacky world and Rufus’ characterisation allows him to attempt and get away with practically anything, that it’s sometimes difficult to know what the often nonsensical solution might be without resorting to trial and error. This is very much your traditional point and click adventure, with an inventory of objects you’ll have to collect and combine in various ways to complete the objective. Instead, it actually allowed them to turn these to humorous effect, as you make your way from puzzle to puzzle. In any case, thanks for confirming my suspicions.Though the twists and turns are actually pretty complex, with many of them holding over from previous entries and making use of already established characters, it wasn’t ever difficult to keep track of. I guess it would make more sense if I could have followed the entire saga unfold from the developer's forums. Interesting trivia! But the fuel deception in Maniac Mansion is relatively obvious and genuinely funny, while Leopard Mode is presented as a true-but-twisted rumor in Chaos of Deponia, sending people in a despicable wild-goose chase. I knew about the useless chainsaw in the former, but I didn't knew about the chainsaw fuel in the latter. And yes, I played Maniac Mansion ottokarsubke, but not Zak McKracken. Thanks! I like looking at the backgrounds too, but I want it to stay that way. Anyways, mystery solved.Ģ) Good to know, I'll skip this part. I can't believe they made an entire game mode based on this one lame joke of a character too. I don't think I would have made the connection. Turns out that the cartoon face I was wondering about is a portrait of Droggeljug from that game, purple thingie included - which is actually a cushion. Goodbye Deponia does offer one very interesting mechanic when it lets you play as 3 people at the same time, even being able to swap items among them. Does anybody have more info on that?ġ) I started playing Edna & Harvey: The Breakout. Because of that I can't tell if Leopard Mode is something legitimate or if it's just the developers trolling everybody. But Chaos of Deponia moved that joke to a whole new level, first by constantly denying its existence in the manual, and second by having an in-game tip that actually confirms its existence. With Deponia I thought it was just a silly joke and moved on.

#GOODBYE DEPONIA HINTS HOW TO#

What's up with that?ģ) The manuals of both Deponia and Chaos of Deponia have an entire section dedicated to Leopard Mode, with completely ridiculous steps on how to activate that mode. There is a sub-section called "Puzzle", and it's a 12-piece jigsaw puzzle. Anybody knows what this option does?Ģ) After I finished Chaos on Deponia, I checked the Bonus section. When I check it the game prompts for a reboot, but I don't notice anything different after doing so. It's a checkbox with no description, just the face of a cartoon character with something purple on his head. So here are my questions:ġ) After I finished Deponia, the Options menu had an option I swear wasn't there when I started playing. Odd things I surprisingly cannot find any info about - probably because I can't read German forums. So I finished Deponia and Chaos on Deponia, and I noticed odd things about them.

[noandnooneelse]

having read both a declaration of the rights of magicians and a radical act of magic i just dont think theyre particularly well written. all possible criticism about the implementation of magic in history aside theyre just somewhat mediocre-to-bad. the writing style is unobtrusive at best and terrible at times but for the most part hovers around annoying (subjective opinion, of course, and so on)

but i found the fact that it swings wildly between sarcastic quips that sound like a tumblr post and/or a joss whedon film and like it wants very much to convey a specific sense of grandeur grating, and annoying, and badly written. (and i dont dislike funny ha-ha little quips in books, rol does that a lot, and they do it well, but i also dont dislike the jokes in black sails and i fucking hate comedy, so maybe the problem is that i dont think its funny, maybe the problem is that in rol it fits better into the narrative coming from a guy who has a sense of humour, instead of literally every historical character that is dragged out for the book making the same tired sarcastic jokes, maybe they just dont land for me and i dont like them bc of that, and objectively its fine, but it really bothered me)

also i just didnt like the magic system. i feel like the books arent particularly interested in magic, which is a wild choice for alternate-history-but-with-magic-books, but the magic system is barebones, while its definitely well integrated with what happens in the world it might as well be a bunch of people weilding battery-powered electric lamps, not knowing or caring how they work, nor terribly interested in magic for the sake of it. which, i dont need them to write a dissertation on how magic works in the world, but if you have a book about magic where the magic is boring then thats maybe not good, no? - especially the blood magicians. they have such a wild assortment of powers and rules, including being the only magicians who can control dragons, and it is such a cobbled together mess of things. magic doesnt seem to have any sort of cost whatsoever, and the magic that people have seems too strong to have as little impact on things as it apparently has, even with the braceletes prohibiting magic use. (i really like that one goodreads review that sums it up as "fine. these historical events happened because of magic. but clearly they happened without magic, so whats the point of this, which. yes.)

i also think the ending was quite sudden - which, fine, pitt died in 1806 so theres kind of a hard deadline there, but still, in the context of the book, it felt like the decision to have the final confrontation there and then did not feel like it made sense for the story, it felt more like hg parry had written up to 1806 and suddenly plot had to happen in order to stay consistent with history.

overall, meh. very meh.

[watchmegetobsessed]

Oh my gosh I had an idea about CEO Harry. He starts dating someone new, but they’re very shy and introverted. Not his usual type. But what if they’re silent in bed. And it just drives Harry WILD. Like he’s doing everything he can to get any noise out of them and if kind of chips away at him. Shakes his confidence a bit, but when he does get a noise he’s like so cocky afterward

TEAMWORK

PAIRING: CEO!Harry X Reader

WARNING: smut

WORD COUNT: 2.5k

MASTERLIST |SUPPORT ME!

You’re a black sheep on the list of the women Harry Styles has dated in every possible sense. Being a successful businessman in his late thirties, he’d gone after the same kind of females most of his life, the ones that only cared for money and finding a man who can pay for the endless ways to keep them youthful. They were all tall, skinny, blessed with the look of models and they surely liked to live as celebrities. But they were all shallow and Harry wanted more than just an arm candy and a perfect body to warm his bed. He wanted a true partner, someone he can share his deepest thoughts with, someone he could build a future together that excites him and makes him happy.

And then he met you.

You are nothing like the women he had dealt with and that’s what he loves the most about you. There’s nothing shallow about you, money doesn’t excite you in the way it did his exes, you have a wonderful, bright mind and he loves it when you share your thoughts with him, makes him want to open up more too. He could listen to you talk about scientific theories you read about, he is crazy about how focused you can get when the two of you are watching a documentary, something he could never do with the women he used to date.

He loves everything about you, every flaw, because they make you to be the woman you are, the woman he wants to spend the rest of his life with.

There’s only one thing that’s been driving him crazy. Your voice, or more like the lack of it in bed.

Harry understands that everyone is different, he knows you’re a shy and closed-off person, it took him a long time to get you to let loose around him. And he wasn’t shocked when he found out you’re not too vocal when it comes to bedroom activities. A few gasps, little sighs and his name falling from your lips, that’s all he usually gets when you’re having sex. It’s not that he is not satisfied, you’re great in bed. He just wishes he could hear you more.

He craves loud moans, whining, begging and screaming, he is desperate to hear you be loud when he pleases you, but he is yet to experience that.

If only he knew all it would take was some little help from a friend, he would have done it way earlier.

He is helping you move around some stuff at your place, because you got yourself a new dresser. Building it was a funny experience and it turns out you’re way better at following instructions than him. When it’s all finished you start putting everything back into its place and that’s when Harry comes across a little friend of yours.

At first he doesn’t notice what he has in his hand, it’s wrapped in a towel and he almost moves on, placing it into the top drawer, but then it clicks. The familiar shape hidden under the fabric and the tingling feeling that runs down his spine makes him unwrap the object and the pink vibrator is revealed in front of him.

“Huh, why haven’t you introduced me to your friend?” he asks, holding up the vibrator and when you look his way your eyes go wide with horror as you snatch it away from him, making his grin grow wider.

“Oh my God,” you choke out, looking for a place to hide it in panic, though there’s no use, he is standing a foot away from you, he’ll know where you put it. “This… shouldn’t have… fuck,” you mumble, your cheeks heating up and your ears feel like they are on fire.

“Hey,” he softly says, grabbing your hand that’s holding the sex toy. “Nothing to be ashamed of,” he chuckles. “I’m more surprised about the hot pink color than the fact that you have one. I assumed you’d choose a more subtle shade,” he teases you and you can’t help but roll your eyes at him.

“Can we just… not talk about it?” you ask a little out of breath, as if you just finished a run.

Usually Harry listens to your requests, he never wants to upset you intentionally, but now he is intrigued and he can’t ignore the way his cock is starting to wake from its slumber at the thought of you pleasuring yourself with a vibrator.

“What if I want to know more? How often do you use it?”

“Harry…”

“Just want to know if I have competition,” he smirks, though he genuinely wants to know if you’d rather use a vibrator than be with him. He has had a fear for a while now that your silence in bed might be the result of him not performing good enough.

“I only use it when you’re away.”

“And do you make yourself come with it easily?”

“Oh my God,” you exhale, feeling like a kid that was caught doing something wrong, but Harry sees it differently.

“Babe, there’s nothing to be ashamed of. I’m just trying to figure out what you like the most. I find it sexy that you’re not afraid to use toys. Actually, I would love to see you use this,” he admits with a small chuckle, taking the vibrator from your hands, unwrapping it again and throwing the towel to the side. The hot pink object looks so strange but also exciting in his hands and when he runs a finger down the length of it, you take a shaky breath as dirty thoughts flood your mind.

“I don’t… I’m not…”

Harry takes your cheek in a hand and kisses you passionately, it’s the kind of kiss that makes you forget every thought you had. His lips claim yours, his tongue teasing and licking into your mouth, your muscles melt as he cradles you into his arms, the pink vibrator now long forgotten, but only by you.

Harry walks you backwards until the back of your legs hit the bedframe and he pushes down to the mattress easily, getting on top of you, his lips continuing to kiss yours without missing a beat. When his hips sink against yours, you sigh into his mouth, fingers lacing into his hair.

He places the vibrator to the bed near your head and turns his attention to getting you naked, peeling you out of the loose shirt and cotton shorts you are wearing and when he got you bare, he is quick to undress himself as well, his naked skin pressing up against your hot body as his mouth discovers every inch he already knows so well, but he can never get enough of.

Harry could spend hours between your legs, make you come over and over again with just his lips, tongue and fingers, earn some tiny moans you allow to slip out of your mouth, but he has different plans for now.

Just when he has kissed his path down your abdomen and he is about to reach his destination, he pulls back and you inhale sharply, eyes popping open to see what he is doing and when he grabs the vibrator from the mattress your eyes widen at him, but before you could protest he stops you.

“Shh, it’s gonna be teamwork this time. Tell me how you like it or better, show me,” he tells you and taking one of your hands he pulls it to the object. You hesitate before letting your fingers move to the buttons at the bottom of it, turning it on to the setting you like to use the best. Harry’s chest swells from pride, seeing you opening up to him when he knows well how shy you can get in this field.

“Good girl,” he murmurs, kissing your hand before you let go of the vibrator and grab onto the sheets as Harry brings it to your cunt, but doesn’t touch you just yet. “Where do you like to use it? On your clit or you like to dip it inside you?”

His husky, low voice sends a shiver down your spine as he runs two of his fingers over your wet pussy, teasing your hole and clit too. You bite into your lower lip when his fingertips reach your bud and nod to let him know that’s the spot.

You only like penetration when it’s with him. Doing it for yourself you’re more into the touching, rubbing and pressure at the right places.

Harry licks his lips and draws a few tiny circles on your clit, your hips buckling at the feeling in an instant and Harry can’t push his smirk down, seeing you so riled up already. Then he brings the vibrator closer and when it replaces his fingers the loudest moan he has ever heard from you rips out of your chest and he almost comes right at that moment.

“You like that? Does that feel good?” he hums, crawling on top of you, holding himself up on one arm while his other hand keeps moving the vibrator in small circles on your clit.

“Yeah, feels really good,” you moan out the words and Harry wishes he could record you, so loud and desperate for him, he’ll never forget this day.

“What else do you want me to do, baby? Tell me, I want to make you cum hard,” he growls into your ear before biting it gently.

“C-can you… oh!” You struggle to find the words, it’s hard to speak when someone is pressing a vibrator onto your clit.

“Use your words, love. Don’t be afraid to talk to me.”

“I want you to, uh… I want you to fuck me, but keep it there,” you tell him in a rush as your hand grabs his on the toy and show him how you like to move it on yourself.

Harry kisses you hard, tasting the words on your lips, he would do anything you ask him if he has the chance to get you loud in bed, to hear you scream and cry out as he makes you come.

He sucks on your bottom lip, takes it between his teeth as he pulls it, pushing his hips against yours so his cock presses against your dripping wet pussy.

“Harry!” you gasp, your hips buckling against his without a second thought.

“You want me, baby? You want me to fill you up with my cock while using your toy on you?”

“Yes! I want that!” you whimper, desperate to feel him inside you. Your loud and clear words are golden to him, it’s the absolute most he has ever gotten out of you during sex and he is willing to do anything to take it as far as possible.

“I got you, don’t worry,” he kisses you again before pushing himself up to a kneeling position, your legs spread open in front of him as he takes the vibrator away from you, a protesting groan slipping through your pretty mouth. “Patience, love,” he hums, taking a look at the way the vibrator is now glistening from your arousal. The urge to lick it clean is strong, he hasn’t tasted you and normally he uses his mouth on you before his cock, but seeing how desperate you are now, he decides to put his own needs and desires aside.

He takes his rock hard cock into his free hand and runs the pink head up and down your cunt, getting it wet and teasing you just a little bit before pushing it halfway into you, your walls tightening around him in an instant. Before he would give you more of him, he brings the vibrator back to your clit and you moan in pleasure as he thrusts his whole length into you, filling you up perfectly.

“Harry! Oh my God!” you scream, everything feels too much and not enough at the same time as Harry comes to top you again, his chest pushing against your soft breasts and he starts moving in and out of you while he plays with the vibrator in your clit.

“Yes, baby! Let me hear you, who makes you feel this good?”

“You! Harry, it’s you!” you cry out, your hands grabbing onto his bare ass as you bring him closer so he bottoms out inside you, your legs wrapping around him.

“Fuck, let that pretty voice out, Y/N!” he growls, going faster and he presses the vibrator harder against your, playing with the patters and pressure continuously.

The silence is gone and you’ve let everything inside you free that you’ve been desperate trying to keep pushed down. You’re loud and shameless, can’t even think about keeping your mouth shut. It’s a whole different side of you to him and to you as well.

Harry keeps fucking you, going harder and faster with each passing minute and you won’t last long, you keep screaming his name as you claw at his back, leaving marks on it for sure. And then Harry turns up the setting on the vibrator and you come harder than ever.

Your screams fill the room, your walls pulsate around Harry’s cock inside you and he comes just by how loud you are, filling you up with his hot, white cum. You both are breathing heavily, as if you just ran the marathon, your thighs are shaking and you’re seeing stars. He slowly comes to a halt and he turns the vibrator off, a sudden silence falling onto the room, only your panting echoing from the walls as he drops the toy to the side and falls onto the mattress next to you, pulling you into his arms as you slowly calm down.

“I hope you know that I will buy a whole collection of vibrators if they get you this loud in bed,” he speaks up after a long while.

“Harry, stop!” you gasp, smacking his chest.

“What? Nothing to be ashamed of,” he chuckles, squeezing you tighter to his side. “In fact, I fucking loved it.”

“I didn’t even know I could be this loud,” you admit mumbling under your breath.

“Did you not like it?” he asks, wanting to make sure he didn’t push you too far. You lift your head from his chest and look at him.

“I did. A lot,” you smile shyly. “Are you not mad about the vibrator?”

“Why would I be? Sex toys are for pleasure and that’s what I want to give you.”

Nodding you kiss his chest and lay your head back, listening to his steady heartbeat through his ribs.

“You know, I must be really good if I got you screaming like that, don’t you think?”

“Are you tooting your own horn?” you grin rolling your eyes.

“Just stating facts. You don’t remember how you moaned my name just minutes ago?”

“Would you stop?” you gasp, propping yourself up again to look at him. “If you keep bringing it up I will glue my lips together next time.”

“Alright, alright, I’m done. I just can’t get over how hot it was,” he grins, pulling you down so his lips could meet yours.

Thank you for reading, please like and reblog if you enjoyed and buy me a coffee if you want to support me!

[equinoxiansystem]

i actually have a lot of passionate thoughts pet stores and the welfare of pets and i quite literally never see anyone talking about any of this, so im going to say a few things:

- pet stores should NOT be allowed to sell live animals of any kind, including feeder fish, mice/rats and insects. all of these animals are sourced from abusive irresponsible mills.

- fish are probably the #1 abused pet across the globe, they are viewed as decorations and objects, not living animals with needs. i dont think people quite understand how important this is until i spell it out for them: goldfish are supposed to normally live up to 15 years in captivity. and in ponds. neon tetras can live up to 10 years in captivity in good conditions. do you see the problem here? fish are not disposable decorations you keep for a year before you get bored and forget about them. they're long lived and have those lives to live.

- second note on fish because it is literally that bad: fish bowls are not suitable for ANY kind of fish, not even shrimp or aquatic snails. anything under 3.5 - 5 gallons is really pushing it, fish need space to swim, and to just generally exist, no matter how small. you can exist in a closet, sure, but would you wanna live in it?

- hamsters need a minimum of 550 square inches of enclosure space, a minimum of 6+ inches of bedding depth in order to display their natural burrowing habits, an appropriately sized wheel, and a sand bath. a hamster biting the bars of its enclosure or its owner, screaming, hissing, showing aggression, or hiding/running away isnt funny, or a sign that your hamster is an asshole. it means you're gravely abusing it and are seeing the results of said abuse.

- birds need cages with lots of horizontal space, referred to as 'flight cages', due to birds naturally flying horizontally in the wild, not vertically. birds also do not benefit from mirrors, they do not understand it is their own reflection, no matter how intelligent the bird. they just stress them out.

- the vast majority of pet store employees know absolutely nothing about reptiles and inverts, they usually refer you to the one person on shift who has generally taken it upon themselves to learn about these animals. as such, their care is generally very poor. one of my special interest is arachnids, and thus, i have a huge interest in tarantulas. most pet stores i see that have Ts have them in extremely small deli cups they can barely move around in, with no place to burrow and hide for terrestrial species, or no place to climb and hide for arboreal species. the running theme is animals in pet stores are slapped into the smallest amount of space possible with no regard to their well being or safety. that brings me to my next point:

- pet store rats are always kept in glass fish tank style aquariums with only the lid as ventilation. rats have extremely sensitive respiratory systems, and produce a high amount of ammonia in their waste. they need their living spaces to be large, active, with places to climb, nest and burrow, and to have open ventilation on all sides. pet store employees do not keep up with spot cleaning the bedding. this leads to guaranteed sick rats. i dont care if you dont like them, they deserve happy, healthy lives.

basically pet stores exist literally specifically to put money into their own pockets... they have never had it in their best interest to educate customers on proper animal care or sell them healthy animals. they want you to come back and keep buying things... be it more crappy products that break, or animals that don't last very long.

[witchie-writings]

Hi!- going on a k/da brain rot rn and I saw your headcanons which I loved btw- I was wondering if you could do k/a with a tall s/o idk if I'm doing this right or not.- thank you in advance also have a nice day or night <3

K/DA with a Tall!S/O HCs <3

(I didn't include Seraphine since I don't consider her apart of the actual K/DA group.)

Evelynn

When Evelynn has a tall S/O, I feel like they are prone to tease. Like, very prone to her teasing (I can't list anything off myself, since I'm typically very oblivious towards those things lol).

She'd probably have her S/O get objects that are placed on high shelves so she could get to admire their body -- even when she's perfectly capable of grabbing them herself.

Definitely loves to show them off when she attends concerts where her and the girls are due to perform. She'll be all up and over them, hands over their body with no shame.

Just because her lover is tall doesn't mean she'll give up her dominance under the sheets. If anything, she gets a whole lot rougher and more possessive.

But oh boy, the praise S/O gets from her is increased ten times.

S/O better expect to carry Evelynn often; despite being perfectly settled with walking, she loves to show how strong her S/O is and how they're like the fabled Knight and Princess.

Akali

i imagine Akali is the shyest member of K/DA, seeing as she doesn't like being stuck in the midst of a wide crowd, so having her S/O be tall is as if she was brought an angel from Heaven.

I wouldn't exactly say she's clingy, but she would be a lot closer to her S/O out in public.

She's perfectly capable of defending herself however, so her S/O doesn't have to worry about being forced to take the reigns if a situation arises.

Akali would be such a cuddle bug with her S/O, it's not even funny.

She's a huge fan of being the little spoon when it comes to cuddles, but wouldn't mind being the big spoon if her S/O wants to be held by her.

Would often be her pillar of light when she has to go to concerts. If she ever gets a bad case of the stage frights, she would be able to pick her S/O from the crowd, and immediately she'd feel at peace.

Kai'Sa

(couldn't find a gif with just her in it)

Kai'sa wouldn't really treat her S/O any differently if they were tall, but you know what this means -- they could be an excellent dance partner!

This dancer is all about exercise, and she's sparing no expense with her lover. They're going to join her in every. Single. Session.

S/O better hope they're flexible, because boy, with the new height advantage there's going to be an endless amount of possibilities.

Catch both her and her lover at the gym 24/7.

Unlike Evelynn, every time her S/O needs to grab something from a very high height, instead of letting them get it done she'll try to get it for them. Despite being shorter. Wild lass.

Ahri

S/O better be prepared for an overwhelming cuteness overload from Ahri, because she's all over them -- but unlike Evelynn, its more of a cutsy way

Ahri is pretty doting and she wants to make sure that her S/O is comfortable at all times. If they're ever insecure about their height, she'll be sure to pepper them in kisses and provide some delicious tea.

Since they're tall, that means Ahri is perfectly capable of stealing their shirts or jackets. They're super comfortable for someone her size.

Loves playing little games like Hide n' Seek with her S/O; she's able to hide in the smallest of spaces, so its extra hard for her S/O to win.

[volchi]

Hearth Magic

Lately I have been very fascinated with fire cooking, and the potential for spellwork using the fire, pan and food itself. The advantage here is the consumption of the spell; you can put people under your control, empower them, weaken them, heal them, by having them literally put the magic inside them and carry it around with them so you dont have to snoop around hunting for taglocks for malefic curses or have the disadvantage of somebody needing to carry a protective charm on them which they may be likely to lose.

I was heavily inspired by a post made by @/qedavathegrey detailing the practical similarities between witchery and cooking. I cook frequently over a fire so I was wondering if I could lay a trick over bread or pastries using fire. So anyway:

First you need to know how to cook over a fire. I dont fuck with charcoal briquettes! And a lot of potency from the spell can come from the type of wood you use. For example:

Apple or sugar maple wood for love workings

Mulberry wood for spells intended to make others obey you

Cedar wood for ancestor work

Oak wood for jovian and abundance work

Pine wood for protection and empowerment/healing anxiety

And so on. In these types of spells I would use fires from materials that are as natural as possible. In some places "living fire" or fire that you started by rubbing two sticks together is very powerful in spellwork. I don't know about you but I am absolutely not able to start a fire by doing that, so if you cannot start the fire like so I would at least breath on it to stoke the fire. While making the fire you can also raise a lot of energy -- it's a pain in the ass so making a fire while pissed off can't hurt for a curse.

Also if you don't have a bunch of different types of firewood at your disposal, you can also add things to the existing fire to help it power the spell. For example, herbs, objects and things such as written psalms, sigils, tarot cards and playing cards can be thrown in. One possible method for herbs close with water could be to gather the herbs, wet them, and put them into tinfoil with holes poked in it so that it is constantly steaming as the fire is burning. (this also keeps bugs away. :) Around the area that you are starting the fire, you could also draw a circle in the dirt for extra protection during the spell. The whole idea is to enchant the fire so that whatever you cook with it will also be tricked.

When you're actually cooking the food, it takes a little while to adjust to using a fire so i would give it a few tries. I always use my cast iron cauldron, and you ALWAYS cook over the coals unless you're like boiling water or something. Don't fall for the cute little larpy pictures of people cooking over the high flames! You'll end up with half of your food burnt to shit, half of it ice cold and ALL of your pan completely black and charred.

Also you don't really want the coals to touch the bottom. Because it will burn. It just gets way too hot. My cauldron has little legs to keep it high up but if yours doesn't you'll want to suspend it from a chain or prop it up between 3 rocks, maybe a little metal grill.

If you're cooking soup or frying something you just need coals on the bottom, but if you're making bread or cake you'll want to actually preheat the cauldron like it's an oven, and shovel coals on the lid too. My bread keeps getting burnt on the bottom so maybe put more coals on the top. Bread holds up pretty well to cooking over a fire actually, in my opinion because it's wild and temperamental just like that fire.

And, once you're done cooking, if you laid a malefic curse over the food you can also save the salt used to clean the cast iron for future curses. :)

Anyway here are a few possibilities!

Blessing/Protection Strawberry Pie (for safety and ease at sea)

Start a fire from pine wood. Into the fire, put herbs St John's Wort, Angelica root, Hawthorn, Blackberry thorns etc you favorite combination of empowerment and luck herbs with "fuck off" herbs. To tailor it for protection at sea i will also be adding psalm 64 and swallow feathers.

It's for one person so we'd be making a mini tart, let's say strawberry rhubarb because of strawberries being sweet and lucky. You could also use blackberry for its protection. Or any medley of berries. Into the tart you can also slip some powdered/tinctured st johns wort, chamomile, etc lucky or soothing EDIBLE herbs. maybe not too much to change the flavor? but funny tasting witch tarts seem to be part of the charm LOL

So to cook a small tart you'll need a small pie tin, and you'd need to preheat the oven itself to about 350 fahrenheit. Maybe lift it off the bottom so it won't burn. You can blind bake the pie crust if you want. Its small so i would put the pie crust in with the filling, brush with egg and sprinkle some sugar, and cook for 15 minutes.

When it's done, you can whisper psalm 64 over it or what corresponds with your intention, and whoever eats it will be protected.

Otnovo --

Good Old Fashioned Love Spell Bread

This one is folksy and not a hundred percent ethical but it's just for educational purposes and I'm not your mom so. Make a fire from apple wood or maple wood. To this fire add sunflower petals, apple peels, orange peels, rose petals and ferns.

In the bread, if you can, mash in a (whole, fresh) mole heart in the liquid, maybe make it a beer bread to mask the meat flavor, or maybe make it stuffed bread and mix the mole heart with spiced pork or chicken, it's all up to you! If you don't have mole meat just lying around you can add coriander to the bread and similar love herbs and spices (take care that it doesnt taste like shit)

Preheat the oven by shoveling coals underneath but mostly on the lid and let it be for 15 minutes. It should be about 400 degrees Fahrenheit. Put the bread in, cook it for 20 minutes, and give to the person you are interested in.

Those two were examples so let me know how they work if you do them, obviously this method heavily depends on what you have accessible to you so just use what you got! Happy spellwork :)

[postmodernbeing]

Shingeki no Kyojin headcanons: 104th training corps (College AU)

Hello, Postmodernbeing here. This time I wanted to write about things that I actually know, since I’m a college student and I’m studing History and Social Sciences I found myself wondering about what would the 104th training corps focus their studies on if all of them had chosen humanities as their career. I hope you find this funny and at least a bit accurate.

IMPORTANT:  I do not own Shingeki no Kyojin, only these HCs are my own. // Might contain a few spoilers from the manga. // English is not my first language and I study uni at Latin America, so scientifical terms/words/concepts may vary. Anyhow, I thank you for reading and for your patience.

Eren Jaeger

He’s passionate about Military History, not to be confused with history of army. Eren’s rather focused in strategies, weapons and semiotics involved in military speech.

First started with books about great wars in modern era. The use of certain weapons took him by surprise due the technological development.

Then he took classes about discourse analysis, semiotics and such, and felt inspired by the discourse reflected in emblems, uniforms, flags, etc.

Eren doesn’t really have a preference between occidental or oriental, North or South, Modern or Ancient settings. He would simply devour all the books that deal with military strategy and warlike conflicts. Although he has more experience and information about great wars in modern era.

He’s fascinated with the inexhaustible human desire of freedom and the extent that it can reach. This fascination might not be very healthy, he concludes.

Also, finds a cruel beauty in violence when showed in freedom and ideals are protected over one’s own life. But he won’t tell his classmates or professors. He knows is a controversial opinion for he’s still aware the implications of massive conflicts and the abuse of power.

One thing led to another, Eren is now taking classes and reading about philosophy in war and anthropological perspectives about violence through time.

He’s so into social movements besides his main interest in college: “No one’s really free until all humanity is”, that’s his life motto pretty much.

Due his readings and researches he decided it was important to develop a political stance about the world’s problems. Eren strongly believes all lives worth the same, but systems and nations had imposed over others and vulnerated other human's lives.

Yes, Eren is anti-capitalist and anti-imperialist.

Mikasa Ackerman

Asian Studies Major / History Minor.

She thinks by studying these degrees, she pays honor to her heritage. Specially to her mother. Her family is the proudest for Mikasa is also the best student in her whole generation.

Mikasa received a scholarship thanks to Azumabito family, who are co-founders of an academic institution dedicated to Asian historical and cultural research. She might as well start working when she graduates.

Although she’s passionate about Japan’s history, she has written a few articles and essays about Asian Studies themselves and the importance of preserving but also divulging by means of art and sciences.

In her essays and research work, she likes to employ tools from many disciplines since she strongly believes all humanities and social sciences serve the very same purpose at scrutinize the social reality all the same. Might as well use demographics, ethnology, sociology, philosophy, anthropology, archeology, and so on. For it proves to bring light into questions that history by itself could answer unsatisfactorily (in Mikasa’s opinion).

Even her professors wonder how she manages to organize that much information and pull it off successfully. She might as well be more brilliant than a few PhD’s students.

Armin Arlert

Prehistoric studies / Archeology

He’s so into the studies about the prehistoric humans and routes of migration.

Passionate about the ocean and natural wonders since kid, Armin believed his career would be environmentalist or geoscience related.

That was the agreement he had with his grandad since middleschool, until he read Paul Rivet’s “The Origins of the American Man” book and captured him thoroughly. The way the book explained logically the diverse theories about global migration and enlisted the challenges of modern archeology -for there are numerous mysteries- simply devoured his conscience.

He knew from the books he’d read that most evidence of the first settlements are deep under dirt or far away in the ocean whose level has risen over the centuries leaving primitive camps – and answers – unreachable. 

That’s the reason he is so eager to study and give his best to contribute both archeology and history disciplines. Also, he’ll forever love the ocean and nature, just leave him do all the fieldwork, please.

Jean Kirstein

History of industry / Industrial heritage / Historical materialism

Jean first started interested in capitalist industries and production development in first world countries. Kind of rejected other visions and explanations since he’d read about positivism studies.

His interest in such matters started when he was a just boy. He often found himself wondering how things were made and that question captured him ever since. As he grew up, he realized that machines and industrial processes were highly involved in the most mundane objects creation.

Nonetheless, he learnt that not always the best machinery was used, nor the best work conditions were available for mass production. From that moment he’d started to read about the First Industrial Revolution and his mind just took off with questions. Invariably, he learned about labour struggle and the transforming power due workforce.

Between his readings and university classes, he’d knew more about labour movements, unions. And in the theoretical aspect, he'd learned about historical materialism analysis.

One could say that Jean possesses a humanistic vision of the implications in mass production under capitalist system along history and nowadays.

Marco Bodt

Royalty's history / Medieval Studies 

I wanted to keep his canonical fascination to royalty and the best way to do that was including Medieval Studies.

Marco would study since the fall of Roman Empire until the latest gossip of royal families all across Europe.

Might get a bit of Eurocentric with his essays but in real life discussions he’s always open to debates about decolonization. He has even read Frantz Fanon books and possesses a critical thinking about colonial countries and their relations with the so named third world.

Nevertheless, Marco finds a strange beauty in the lives of monarchs and he’s interested in study from their education, hobbies, strategies, relationships, everything.

I’d say that his favorite historical period is probably the establishment of the descendants of the barbarian peoples in the new kingdoms such as the Visigoths, Ostrogoths, Franks, Vandals, Huns, Saxons, Angles and Jutes (holy shit, they're a lot).

Because this would transcend as the beginning of his favorite matter of analysis.

Sasha Braus

History of gastronomy, development of cooking, antropology and archeological studies.

Sasha’s interested in the history that shows human development of food and cooking. She finds wonders when she inquires into cultural aspects from the first farming till modern artistic expressions that would involve food.

Such as gastronomy. But her attention got caught in literature’s food representation too, with its symbols and allegories, also in paintings that belong in still life movement, but also Sasha finds interest when food is used as rhetorical devices (for example: the apple in Adam and Eve’s myth).

She’s curious about primitive systems of irrigation, cultivation, food distribution, adaptation of wild species; as well as the domestication of animals, the diversification of the diet and its link with sedentary life, as well as the subsequent division of labor once the need for food was assured in humanity’ first cities.

Sasha’s convinced that alimentation is the pilar of civilization as we know it. For it involves cultural, artistic, economic, emotion and social aspects. Food is a microcosm of analysis of humanity.

Sasha hasn’t a favorite historical period or setting. But she definitely has a special fascination for first civilizations and their link with alimentation. Also, she likes to study the development gastronomy in occident world around different regions, social classes, and time.

Although, let’s be honest, Sasha would devour (lol, couldn’t help it) ANY book about agriculture, cattle raising, cooking or gastronomy. 

Connie Springer

Micro-history / History of everyday life.

Connie loves his hometown, has a deep respect to his family and traditions. That’s why he finds himself wondering about the most ordinary events that developed in his dear Ragako. 

The book “The Cheese and the Worms” by Carlo Ginzburg changed the way he used to understand history and capture him into meaningful discussions about what he learned was called micro-history.

His favorite quote from that book is: “As with language, culture offers to the individual a horizon of latent possibilities—a flexible and invisible cage in which he can exercise his own conditional liberty.”

Once deep into studying the Italian historians and their works, he decided to give it a try, and ever since he’s mesmerized with the mundane vestiges craftsmen that worked in his village left behind.

Connie’s parents are so proud of him and his achivements, but mostly because he became a passionate academic over human and simple matters, (so down to earth our big baby).

His attitude towards his essays and research works truly shows his great heart and humility. Connie is aware that academic works have no use if they are not meant to teach us about ourselves too and current times.

Empathy and hard work, that’s how one could describe the elements that integrate his recently started academic career.

Historia Reiss

Political History / Statistician

Her father’s family pressured Historia since she was a little girl into studying History just like his dad. For he’s a very famous historian that had made important researches and books about the greatest statesmen of Paradis.

She thought in numerous ways that she could sabotage her career or study any other career without her family’s consent and end with her linage of historians. But she ended up enrolling in tuition and so far, she is trying her best in her studies. Historia swears this is the right path for her.

But don’t let the appearances fool you, even thought she studies her father’s career and the very same branch of history’s discipline, she has her own critical sense and she’s so talented on her own, very meticulous with her research papers.

Definitely wants a PhD about women, power and politics. We stand a Gender Studies Queen.

Her complementary disciplines are Political Sciences. Historia also has a talent for philosophy and owns a diary with all her thoughts about them. She hopes one day she would write a book or a manifesto about an innovative methodology for research and teaching History of Politic Thinking.

Ymir 

Religion’s History / Theology

Just like Historia, Ymir was pressured into studying History. And if she’s totally honest, she still has some doubts about it. Even if she couldn’t imagine herself studying anything else.

Anyways, Ymir thought that she could build her career around topics that she enjoys. So, she finally chose theology for unusual reasons.

Her classmates had grown up in religious families or had experience studying the doctrines they practiced. But she, being an agnostic, found satisfaction in unraveling belief systems in different cultures and time periods.

Albeit she studies in Paradis’ University, she currently has the opportunity of taking an academic exchange at Marley’s University. This only made Ymir more conflicted about her future, for she wants to stay (near Historia) but she’s aware that Marley would offer her more academic opportunities for her specialization.

Nowadays she’s working in some collaborative research paper with some people from Mythological Studies from the Literature department. She’s nailing it, writing some historical studies about titans in Greek mythology and its impact in shaping neoclassical poetry. Her brains ugh, love her.

Reiner Braun

Official History / Biographies of heroes and great wars.

His mother convinced him with numerous books about great national heroes, but mostly because she knew that would mean sure job to her son. All political administration in every level requires of an official chronicler. 

When he started his college courses, Reiner felt motivated and he was actually convinced that he had the vocation. But the more he read the less sure he felt that the academic world was for him. He wondered if he made the right choice. If he did it for him or for his mother.

Stories and myths about heroes have always cheered him up. That gave him purpose and consoled him when feeling down. Or at least it was like that when younger. Reiner truly didn’t feel like himself when regretting his choices, but he couldn’t help it for he was changing in more than a way.

That’s why he decided to experiment with other disciplines and with time he would find joy in historical novels. He would analyze them just as good as a litterateur and research about historical context in the written story AND study the artwork’s context itself.

His favorites theorical books are: “Historical Text as Literary Artifact” by Hayden White and Michel de Certeau’ “The Writing of History”.·        

Heroes stories would always accompany him, just differently now.

Bertolt Hoover

History of mentalities / Les Annales

Intimate relationships, basic habits and attitudes. / Culture

Bertie has always been a much reticent and shy guy. As he grew up, he consolidated his sullen personality, but maintained a friendly attitude towards anyone who needed him. That’s why he thought that the priority in his studies was to be at the service of his classmates.

So, although he was passionate about research and was a fan of the French Les Annales current, he considered his mission to be in the Archive. As a cataloger, organizer and curator of ancient documents.

But the ways of History are always mysterious, and Doctor Magath showed him that other way of being was possible. Before Bertolt picked his specialty, he met Theo Magath, a professor who recently had finished writing a book: “The Idea of Death in Liberio’s Ghetto in Marley During its War Against Eldia (Paradis)” (long-ass titles are historians specialty btw). After Magath ended his book’ presentation, Bertolt reached him. They talked for hours and finally, he felt inspired into pursuing his true passion. Magath gifted him “The Historian’s Craft” by Marc Bloch as a way to reminding him his way.

By the time Bertolt took History of Mentalities as optional class, he already had some basic notions about Les Annales, Lucien Febvre, Marc Bloch, Fernand Braudel, Jacques Le Goff and such. 

Being the gentle giant he is, Bertolt finds joy in reading about different lifestyles in diverse cultures. He constantly wonders about the origin of social constructs and the way they shape thinking as much as identity.

This boy is a wonder, he might not be the best in oral presentations or  extracurricular activities but sure as hell he’ll graduate with honors.

Annie Leonhart

Oral history, about institutions. Particularly, police and justice system in early XXs.

Albeit she got into the same University than Bertolt and Reiner, even shared classes and hopes, Annie regularly felt disconnected from her studies. With time she realized it wasn't due her career itself but rather because of the currents that her professors had suggested her taking. Until now.

Talking with Hitch and Marlow about their doubts concerning subjects and departments it came up the topics of history and present time but also oral history. She’d never heard something like that before. So, that very same week, Annie started searching for information about that.

She ended up with more questions: is it all of this just academic journalism? Or maybe sociology? When we can talk about regular history and when it starts being present time? If she introduces interviews due oral history, then that makes it an interdisciplinary work? Which are the best systems for analyzing data? Definitely, she’ll need help from anthropology and sociology departments if she wants to keep going. 

Contrary to her initial prognostic, philosophy and history of historic writing became her new allies, and the text “Le temps présent et l'historiographie contemporaine” (Present Time and Contemporary Historiography) by Bédarida among others, provided Annie another perspective. 

Regarding her favorite topics, she wouldn’t say that she selected them freely. They were just practical preferences. For institutions own extensive archives and numerous functionaries. One way or another, she ended up tangled in judicial system and police issues.

With new tools and object for studying, one could find Annie having a blast as detective too. Even if her academic essays focus on institutions’ history and configuration, she’s also working in corruption and more. She doesn’t do it because she believes it’s the right thing, but besides, the thrill of the tea is spicy. Although she won’t admit it. 

[thefanficmonster]

Never Satisfied [Chapter 6]

Corpse Husband x Original Female Character

Warnings: Language

A collaboration between Vy & Ashens 🖤

“I don’t wanna look like this, fuck”

Previously on Never Satisfied:

Digital Checkpoint activated. Reply to save progress. 💜 — Cora

With minimal contemplation he replies seconds later.

Corpse: save

Cora: your progress has been saved. Thank you for choosing A.S.S. - the Automated Save System. You are now free to activate the digital checkpoint at any time. 

Cora: I had a nice time. Text me whenever you need to. We’ll hang out again soon, deal?

Corpse: thank you

Cora: anytime sugar ;)

Funny how a text exchange so simple and short can turn so much around for a person. Funny how a huge weight lifts off him the second he locks his phone, suddenly finding it easier to breathe, to move, to blink, to function - to live. She gives him that kick he needs to be reminded to live and not just be alive. He’s still not comfortable with how much he’s relying on her but seeing her effect on him is nothing but positive, the most and best thing he can do for himself is go with the flow and let things happen. No overthinking, no planning, no shooting guesses, just facing things as they come face-to-face with him. He may never get used to it, but he won’t know that until he tries, will he?

                                                            *  *  *

Corpse sighs as he looks at himself in the mirror. He’s been trying to step up a little with the dressing game since he’ll be having a special guest over - ok, truth be told, he didn’t invite her, she invited herself but he’s glad she did. Lord knows he wants her company and wants her around but he could never bring himself to invite her over or initiate a hangout. Good thing Cora doesn’t expect anything from him, not of that nature at least. It’s oddly amazing having a person like her - someone who basically reads his mind like an open book and then takes action according to what she’s read. It’s not only the fact that she accurately gauges all his wants and needs, but also how she knows exactly what to do to satisfy them. To calm him down, to relieve his anxiety, to make him feel comfortable. He feels strangely selfish for always being on the receiving end of this friendship, although he doesn’t see much he could do for her. He’s decided to let time have full control of the course of their relationship, hoping his giver time would come soon.

As of now, however, it still hasn’t and he can stomach that.

It’s been about a week and a half since their first hangout but he hasn’t missed her once. That may be due to how much they’ve been texting ever since he unlocked that checkpoint she offered him. To be more specific, it probably has something to do with the fact that her texts are always so full of life and light, sounding almost like she’s there with him, talking in her signature upbeat and bubbly way which is such a contrast to his own melancholic approach to any conversation ever. 

She’s also sent him a ton of memes and selfies, plus pictures she took of clients’ pets. In return for her kindness, he’s sent her bad jokes, weird internet articles about ghosts and pictures of the current game he was playing. Needless to say, their chats have been very colorful.

Now that the scene has been set up a little better, a direct timeline of events lading up to this one would be appreciated, wouldn’t it? Ok so, it all started with an “I’m bored” text Corpse received from Cora about two hours ago. Instinctively, and partially because he didn’t have any idea what else he could possibly say in response to that he sent back an apology. An apology Cora apparently deemed a loophole she could use to invite herself over cause that’s exactly what she did, not that Corpse minds it much. In fact, he felt his heartbeat quicken with excitement when her “K then, I’ll be there in a bit :)” text came in. At first he thought it was his anxiety kicking in but when he realized the rest of his typical symptoms remained absent it took him a little while to pinpoint what that emotion could be.

The epiphany came in the form of the word ‘excitement’.

Regardless of the newfound feeling, or maybe exactly because of it, he attempted to protest. A protest she killed easily with a threatening “I know where you live” text which sent Corpse scrambling to get the apartment in some kind of order. Himself too, it’s safe to say he wasn’t looking the most presentable when he received that message. 

His cleaning session consisted mostly of him shoving the strewn about items in his closet and closing it shut like a wild beast dwelled inside, placing a chair in front of the door as a sign for her not to open it and also as a way of preventing the thing from opening on its own because of how overflowing it was. 

Afterwards he scrambled into the shower to scrub himself down. It’d been too much for him to tackle given he wasn’t doing too well mentally, but considering he was now suddenly expecting company he thought it’d be for the best not to subject his new friend to the three-day-unshowered Corpse stank. 

Right now, his main focus is his face, his stomach sinking at the sight of himself in the mirror’s reflection. 

How does she even want to see me? 

His mirror is cracked along the right side, spider web-like cracks reaching towards the center of it from the impact point serving as a reminder of a particularly bad night he’d rather forget.

He sighs as he combs his hair, knowing the dark curls won’t oblige and behave no matter how much he tries. He touches his jaw, deciding to let himself off the hook by deeming that a shave wouldn’t be necessary for at least another day. And then his eyes land on his clothes - an outfit it didn’t take him long to put together since those are the only articles of clothing in his closet he’d consider presentable enough to be shown off in front of a new friend who is yet to find out how much of a slob he really is. That clothing choice consists of a black button-up shirt and jeans. 

This is nice, right? It’s fine. It’s business casual but definitely leaning more towards casual, as some would say. I look...nice, decent. I’ll take it - it’s enough. Far better than my ‘usual’.

A knock at the door startles him, though it’s quickly followed by a voice he’s grown to find very endearing: 

“THIS IS THE COPPAS! OPEN UP YA’ DOOR!” The voice yells out, probably loud enough for the whole complex to hear but it’s not like he gives a shit. And, as context clues show, neither does she.

Corpse exits his bathroom, heading for the front door, pulling the chain off and unlocking the deadbolt before opening it. The object of his newfound affection stands on the other side, grinning and beaming with that usual light she has surrounding her. Her hair is thrown up into a messy bun - a hairstyle she seems to love - and she’s wearing a simple red t-shirt covered in little chubby, cartoonish black cats that seem to be struggling to exist. 

He smiles a little, finding it in himself to speak up but when he opens his mouth to do so, she cuts him off.

“Jesus, did you just come back from a funeral?” She asks, pulling at one of the buttons on his chest as she walks past him, letting herself in. 

His eyes, completely on their own accord, wander down as she walks on by, causing him to swallow hard as he finds himself staring at a pair of tanned legs, patterned by the fishnets she’s wearing, leading up to a pair of short black shorts. 

She turns on her heel about halfway down the hall, leading him to take an inevitable notice of how her well-loved boots could use a polish. Anyhow, he snaps his gaze away to hide the fact he’s been gawking, despite not really meaning to.

“No, but for real, why are you wearing that? You seem super confined and uncomfy, bud.”

Corpse blinks before swallowing and glancing down at himself, pulling at the button she touched before looking back up, his gaze traveling up the length of her legs. She has suspenders hanging over her thighs, more of an accessory than a necessary addition to her outfit. “I just...I dunno, I thought it looked nice. Does it not? I mean, I wouldn’t know, really. I don’t usually dress like this.”

“I mean, you look dapper as fuck but if you’re not comfortable then change, get your comfy game on. I’m the last person you need to impress in this world.”

God, she sees right through him. Even so, he considers protesting, trying to convince it’s all fine, that he likes this shirt and the outfit in its entirety. But her stare sets the record straight for him - she’ll know it’s all lies. And with that in mind, he lets his shoulders fall. Not a full second passes before he promptly starts undoing his buttons. 

“Oh, thank fuck.”  She comments as he  goes to retreat into his room, stripping the shirt off as he walks, unaware of her lingering eyes on his back, unaware of her lower lip bitten between her pearly teeth. Unaware of the subtle shift in her stance as she looks him over much like he did her moments earlier.

When he returns a moment later in a simple dark grey t-shirt, she greets him with a grin and pats his chest. “Much better.”

It doesn’t take long for them to decide to crash on his couch, throw on a bad movie and just sit in comfortable silence. Comfortable silence - something that usually eats away at him and is anything but comfortable he now sees as calming, a soothe to his ever-racing mind. 

Disrespecting the movie, Corpse takes to analyzing his guest instead. She has so much confidence, he can’t help but notice, like she’s been here hundreds of times, known him for so long. He hates her a little for it. Well, it’s not quite hate, it leans more toward envy. Jealousy. That human-nature characteristic of wanting what someone else has but you desperately need/wish you had. In his mind, she’s almost selfish: Why couldn’t she share some of that confidence and carefree manner with the rest of the world? It oozes out of her like a drip of honey from a beehive, sweet and warm. And all he wants yet has none of.

He instinctively tenses up as he feels her move closer before, suddenly, her head drops into his lap, legs kicked over the armrest of the couch. He holds his breath almost subconsciously, staring at her as she remains focused on the television. Unsure of what to do with his hands, he puts one across the back of the couch and the other awkwardly bent above his head. He doesn’t want her to get the wrong idea if he touches her. He doesn’t want to come off as a creep nor does he want to overstep any of her boundaries, despite the fact she’s walking a dangerous line of overstepping his. Well, that would’ve been the case if this was done by anyone but her. The way Corpse comes to this realization is when he figures out that he really doesn’t mind this proximity, as long as he doesn’t embarrass himself or creep her out in any way.

What felt like an eternity passes before she finally speaks up, still without looking away from the movie playing on the screen opposite the couch, “You know, I can feel how tense you are.” 

His face flushes with embarrassment, heating up as his mind immediately goes to the worst possible outcome of this situation.

She’ll probably sit up, or leave, he thinks to himself, heart thumping in his ears as he tries to observe her face the best he can from this angle. Nevertheless, he swallows that fear as she rolls her head to look up at him with those large glittering doe eyes, grinning a bit as she seems to always do, “You can just put your hands wherever it’s comfortable for you. I don’t mind.”

He hesitates for a moment but, as always, he doesn’t get much say cause she makes the choice for him, knowing that pesky fear is keeping him immobile. She takes the hand from over his head and pulls it down to rest just next to her skull. She then drags the one resting at the back of the couch, placing it so his hand is resting dead-center on her stomach. Satisfied with how she’s rearranged his posture, she goes back to watching the movie but not before asking: “This okay?” while looking at him through her peripheral vision. 

He’d have to admit it’s far more comfortable like this.

“Yeah, it’s fine. You’re okay?” He asks, feeling relieved when he feels her nod against his leg. 

He moves his hand a little and swallows hard as he contemplates if he really should make the move he’s thinking of at the moment. And then he abruptly decides not to think. So, instead, he acts on it. 

Without thinking of any potential negative consequences, Corpse slides his fingers to lace with hers, resting their conjoined hands on her stomach in the same spot where she left his hand a bit ago. She curls her digits around his tighter as reassurance that it’s ok. Her palm feels warm in his hand, her thumb tracing his cold metal rings. 

Checkpoint...his checkpoint. 

Is this what it feels like to be normal?, he wonders, Is this what it feels like to really connect with someone? He has never felt this before. He’s never met someone who has such an effect on him, understand him like this - Without even having to ask she grounded him; she knew what he needed and didn’t make him feel like an idiot about it. Instead she gave him the comfort he needed.

And suddenly he finds himself afraid - realizing that this isn’t simply a vibe of two buddies hanging out. He has that subtle ache in his chest that’s telling him he wants something…something substantial from this friendship. He wants this to last, or for it to blossom, he’s not sure yet. But for the first time, he doesn’t feel the overwhelming need to figure it out. That’s one of the many effects this girl has on him - she’s the definition of improvisation, unpredictable and alive. He’s slowly learning to let loose himself, all thanks to her. Slowly, he’s learning to trust time. 

He abruptly realizes he’s glancing at her often as the movie is still running, examining her features and slowly running his gaze down the length of her fishnet-clad thighs before quickly looking away, mentally scolding himself. It’s hard, but he manages to turn his gaze elsewhere for his sake and hers. For the sake of keeping things normal, platonic and not in any way awkward for either of them. The last thing he needs is to make things weird by letting his mind wander and activate his libido and then she’d really notice how tense he is. 

Cora remains oblivious to what’s going on in his head, thank God, as she continues running her thumb across his knuckles, eyes half lidded in calm content - something that’d typically seem like the complete opposite of what she is. He likes seeing her like this, tamed almost. He feels like no one else has had the privilege to see this calm side of her. Maybe that’s not the truth - it probably isn’t - but he still feels special, knowing that it’s a tight circle of people who have seen her this way.

And then he realizes the movements of her thumb on his hand have stopped.

He freezes for a moment, his fearful gaze travelling to her face where he’s relieved to find her eyes closed only seconds before he hears a light snore escape her.

She’s fallen asleep.

It’s an odd scene. She’s such a wild and free spirit, seeing her fall asleep like this is like observing an abnormality, a paranormal event. You know, like something one doesn’t usually believe exists or is capable of happening. He’d never before been able to imagine her asleep. It’s ridiculous, he’s aware - she’s human after all, but his mind has never been able to comprehend the thought and image of her captured by the power of sleep. He simply couldn’t see it happening. But now that it’s happened in front of him, he can’t look away from the sight of her relaxed, peaceful features, overcome by sudden slumber.

And then he comes to the realization that he’s now practically held hostage on his own couch, crippled by the danger of waking her up. It’s gonna be a long while, isn’t it, he thinks to himself, yet there’s still a satisfied smile on his face. A smile that’s a result of knowing he’s held hostage by her. That’s more a blessing than a curse, if he’s being honest.

@fockingwhore  @vixenl  @annshit  @wineandionysus  @wiseflamingoqueen

[mnemosyne-musing]

Double date (River/11)

(So this prompt link is very tenuous and has basically turned into pwp for which I at least partially blame sonic for encouraging me. This version is rated T but the link for the slightly smuttier version is here)

“So!” the Doctor leaps up the stairs to the console and grabs the monitor, spinning around on his heel before typing rapidly into the keyboard, “I was thinking, once River arrives, maybe, a trip to the Amazzi waterfalls. They have these wonderful pools filled with algae. Only, it’s not really algae, it’s this kind of-“

“Doctor,” Rory interrupts, somewhat tentatively, “We were thinking tonight. If you don’t mind that is. That we could just stay in? Maybe have dinner and, you know, just talk to River, and you of course?”

“Yes,” Amy pipes up quickly, “Only if you don’t mind of course,”

He looks up from the console at the two of them standing by the railing. Amy folding her hands slightly nervously in front of her and Rory biting his lip anxiously.

He beams at them. “Of course!”

Amy gives a sigh of relief. “Oh, thank you! It’s not that we don’t want to go anywhere, it’s just, it’s been a lot the last few weeks and we haven’t really had much of a chance to process or talk to River or-“

“Ooh, it can be like a double date!” he cuts in and claps his hands together, “We can cook dinner here. I’ve got this wonderful recipe from Escoffier. Fabulous chap. I worked in his restaurant once actually and-“

“Doctor, are you sure?”

He waves a hand at them as he types. “Pond, it’s fine. I’ll be fine. It doesn’t always have to be running and excitement. I can do an evening in. Now, off you pop and get your cooking clothes on! I’ll pick up River and we’ll meet you in the kitchen.”

Amy and Rory grin at each other before bounding towards the stairs and out of the console room.

“Thank you, Doctor!” Amy calls as they scarper down the corridor.

It had been just over a month since leaving River in the hospital after Berlin. They’d seen her once since then. He’d taken the Ponds to a planet with a fantastic seventeen hour meteor shower and they’d bumped into her on the viewing deck. They’d also run into a gang of high-end jewel smugglers whose presence there River swore was a complete coincidence to hers. He had his serious doubts about that but, honestly, he’d been quite distracted by all the running and excitement and then afterwards River had had to dash off very quickly. Well, not so quickly that she hadn’t grabbed him and snogged him against the door of the TARDIS but. Anyway.

He sighs and shakes his head to clear of it of those thoughts before returning to the monitor. He’s just about to pull the lever to let the TARDIS dematerialise when there’s a familiar noise of someone appearing by vortex manipulator behind him.

“Hello sweetie,”

He turns around, a grin already on his face and leans back against the console. River is standing a few feet away, wearing a dark trench coat that’s cinched in and tied at the waist, a pair of dazzlingly high blue heels on her feet that do funny things to his insides.

She begins to stalk towards him, a little bit like a predator approaching its prey.

“I thought I’d bring you a birthday present,” she practically purrs, stopping just out of arm’s reach.

He quirks an eyebrow. “But, it’s not my birthday?”

She simply smiles. A slow smirk that spreads across her face and now she really does look like she’s sizing him up for the kill. That thought really shouldn’t thrill him as much as it does he briefly ponders.

She brings a hand to the belt on her coat and slowly pulls it loose. “Care to reconsider?” she asks, her voice low and throaty as the coat falls open.

The Doctor opens his mouth but all words and possible replies immediately evaporate as he catches sight of what she’s wearing beneath the coat. Or rather, what she’s mostly not wearing beneath the coat. He hardly thinks that the plunging bra and skimpy pair of knickers, both made of flimsy lace in a deep blue colour to match her heels, really count as clothes. In fact, he can think of several planets on which that is most definitely not considered an outfit and would probably be illegal and really- hang on, why is he thinking about other planets when River is here and-

He licks his lips and swallows. “I think,” he manages to croak out, “I think it might be my birthday after all.”

River grins wickedly at him and lets the coat fall to the floor with a soft thud. She steps in towards him and grasps his shirt front, pulling him off the console and steering him backwards towards the jump seat. She pushes him down willingly into the seat and his hands automatically drift to grasp her hips, his fingers splaying across her back and stroking the soft skin there.

As she leans down to kiss him, there’s a small flicker of a thought at the back of his mind that there was something he was supposed to be doing. Something he was doing just before River arrived and-

A little while later, she levers herself off his lap as gracefully as she can before turning to look for her knickers. He watches unashamedly as she bends down to retrieve them, arse in the air and wearing nothing but those heels. She frowns down at them before shrugging, kicking her heels off and slipping her underwear back on. Turning back towards him she leans down and nabs his shirt, slipping it on before he can protest and carelessly doing up less than half the buttons.

She looks so utterly delectable, all beautifully dishevelled and ravished that he reaches for her again but she dances out of his reach.

“River!” he complains, as she sashays away from him and towards the corridor, “Where are you going?”

“We need to toast your birthday!” she calls over her shoulder as she disappears around the corner.

“But, it’s not really-,” he sighs and stops as he realises he’s talking to an empty room. He shakes his head and pulls up his boxers and trousers before sitting back in the jumpseat and waiting for River to reappear. He still hasn’t really caught his breath back since River first appeared in the console room.

He must’ve closed his eyes very briefly because he nearly jumps out of his skin a few minutes later when River’s voice suddenly crackles in the air.

“Sweetie, do we have any of the 1976 Krug? I’m sure we do but I can only find the ’77 and it just isn’t as good.”

He looks around wildly but he’s still alone in the console room.

“River?” he exclaims, “What? How are you doing- Where-“

“I’m in the kitchen, sweetie,” she says in that infinitely patient tone that she seems to reserve for when she’s telling him something extremely obvious, “I’m speaking over the intercom.”

“But. The TARDIS doesn’t have an intercom?” he objects, still looking frantically around the room as if River might suddenly pop up from behind the furniture somewhere. Her silence in response to his comment tells him she is probably rolling her eyes at him.

He’s about to come up with something very cutting and witty when over the intercom he suddenly hears a gasp and a very Scottish ‘Oh my god!’

The Ponds! Oh gods indeed! He had totally forgotten them and their date! He leaps up, spinning around to look for his shirt and then remembers River had purloined it just minutes ago. He swears in Gallifreyan under his breath, running a hand desperately through his hair before dashing out the door.

He sprints down the corridor which is rather longer than he remembers it being, cursing the TARDIS under his breath as he does do. He careens to a halt just before the kitchen and vainly tries to slow his breathing as he attempts to nonchalantly stroll inside.

He stops in the doorway and swallows nervously. River is leaning back against the kitchen counter, still clad in only his shirt and her knickers. She’s clutching a bottle of champagne in one hand and a couple of glasses in the other and looking exceptionally amused.

There’s another doorway into the kitchen on the opposite side to him and standing there are both Ponds. Amy is looking mildly embarrassed but still faintly amused whereas Rory has a shocked and slightly horrified expression on his face.

“Ah, there you are, sweetie!” River calls out cheerfully, “Did you want a glass of fizz?”

“Doctor?” Amy simply puts her hands on her hips and cocks her head at him expectantly.

“Ponds!” he exclaims as he looks wild-eyed between them, “River just arrived and- she- Well, we were going to celebrate because-“

“I think we know how you two were ‘celebrating’,” Amy snorts, folding her arms in front of her, “You’re only wearing one outfit between the two of you!”

“Ah, no, no,” the Doctor shakes his head frantically, “I know what this looks like but actually I had to give River my shirt as she only had a coat and some underwear that, well, really wasn’t much of an outfit to begin with and after-“

“Not. Helping, Doctor,” Rory mutters from between gritted teeth as he scrubs a hand over his eyes as if trying to erase that particular mental picture.

The Doctor gulps and attempts to salute the other man. “Sorry, centurion.”

“I suppose I should have asked earlier but when are we, Doctor?” River asks, still looking far too entertained with the whole situation.

“We’ve only just done Berlin a few weeks ago,” he mumbles as her eyes widen.

“Oh! Early days then,” River nods in understanding, a grin still playing around her lips, “So, this is the first time you’ve caught us like this?” she asks Amy and Rory as they nod.

“Hang on!” the Doctor says in a panicked voice, her words suddenly sinking in, “What do you mean ‘first time’?”

River simply gives him that knowing smirk again. “Believe me, none of you want to know about those times in advance.”

He puts that rather worrying thought to the back of his mind, ignoring the way Rory blanches and Amy gives a small shudder. Pasting a smile on his face, he claps his hands. “Well, we’re all here now! We can have that double date!”

“Double date?” River raises an eyebrow as she looks at him.

Amy shakes her head. “Sorry Raggedy-Man. Seeing you two half-dressed has kind of ruined my appetite.”

The Doctor glares at her and pulls his braces up self-consciously over his bare-chest, ignoring River’s soft snort of laughter. “Oi. Rude, Amelia.

“Don’t you Amelia me!” she retorts and wags a finger at him, “I know exactly what you’ve been doing with my daughter!” she adds as the Doctor blushes bright red and avoids her gaze. She turns on her heel and heads towards the door, dragging Rory along with her. “We’ll see you in the morning,” she calls over her shoulder, “If you could try and keep it out of the communal areas that would be lovely!”

The Doctor splutters in protest and turns an even deeper shade of red. He turns to River who is still leaning against the countertop. “You,” he points his finger accusingly at her, “This is all your fault.”

“My fault?”

“Yes,” he nods emphatically, crossing his arms across his bare chest and trying to look foreboding as it was possible to look when only half dressed, “We had a nice evening planned. The four of us. A double date. And then, you arrived with-,” he gestures vaguely at her, “Well. With all-. Looking like that and now here we are.”

River ignores his attempts at glaring and simply laughs. She puts the champagne and glasses down on the side and slinks towards him, her hips swaying. She runs her hands up his chest and winds them around his neck.

“I’m sorry, my love,” she coos in a tone that suggests she isn’t really very sorry at all. She leans in closer and whispers in his ear. “Shall I make it up you?”

He swallows heavily, his arms having already uncrossed themselves and somehow found themselves settling on her hips. “Well,” he mumbles, “It is my birthday after all.”

Her answering laugh is muffled as he kisses her once more.

--