#its such a sacred experience to me and the idea of having someone that Gets It and can share it with me is. yeah

[citrinesparkles]

when i say match my freak i mean i need you to feel just pretend [live 2024] by bad omens like it's drugs

[illegiblewords]

SOME ILLEGIBLE RAMBLES AND REFLECTIONS: THE DEAD THREE

Finished my first/main playthrough of Baldur’s Gate 3, and it’s had me turning over all sorts of ideas tied to Dungeons and Dragons lore. A bunch happens to be about cosmology so I'm slapping together one post about the Dead Three and a follow-up about deities more generally. Buckle up if you decide to proceed dudes. This is chunky and opinion/interpretation heavy. CW for mention (not extensive) of graphic violence and sex crimes during discussion of Bhaal and Yeenoghu.

MYRKUL

I get that there are multiple death-affiliated deities in DnD. Our buddy Jergal is the end of all things and the original incarnation of the concept. Myrkul stands for the experience of dying, decay, necromancy, graves, bones, and the fear of mortality. Kelemvor rules over the dead. Orcus is a demon lord and quasi-deity of undeath. Could prob go on.

I've read many different incarnations of death over the years. To set the stage on my Myrkul read, it bears mentioning that Terry Pratchett's Death is probably my favorite. I don't have it in me to see death as something totally malicious. It's very natural, and I tend to imagine that if there were to be an incarnation embodying it this persona would have an intimate view of all the love and grief, vulnerability and intimacy, ugliness and solitude, etc. that mortals deal with. Death has witnessed the end every living being faces, from the dawn of creation until now. Even if it isn't consciously accessed at all moments, death is ancient and experienced and not likely to be shocked by what mortals are capable of anymore. Mortals are small. Uncountably numerous though we are we are far outnumbered by the unliving. What are lives next to planets, to stars? Here I'd argue against assigning value according to how big or small something is, how eternal or how brief, how simple or complex. Everything that is, is a universe unto itself and deserves the gravity of that. It is also very mundane at the same time. To me, death needs to be able to balance the preciousness and commonality of life, of existence, on the tip of its scythe. Death needs to be able to deal with the most depraved beings to exist, but also with every beloved pet put to sleep. Every lost child or parent. Everyone who dies surrounded by loved ones and everyone who dies alone.

Initially, even knowing Myrkul in particular had been a mortal necromancer and not of particular moral standing--I had mixed feelings about him being the evilest of evil skeletons. He worked it well, but the idea of any aspect of death (or any character tbh) being flat evil felt off to me. Especially with 'we're all the protagonists of our own stories' being at work. People don't often look at what actions they'd consider to be evil then go 'I'm going to make myself that on purpose'. Disregarding morality maybe, but being evil on purpose is weird.

So I looked into further lore about Myrkul. One spot that gave me pause was that Myrkul as death (rather than the adventurer Myrkul Bey al-Kursi he’d once been) revels in inspiring fear of death and driving home experiences of loss. From what I found he isn't focused on the name of the individual holding the office of death, but for the force itself being feared. He can be bribed, and he will allow for necromancy/resurrections--but the fear and gravity of death is a sacred thing to him. Disregarding that is a pretty good way to get onto Myrkul's shitlist. I want to take a moment to emphasize the importance of Myrkul focusing on his portfolio over his own ego. That is far from a given in the DnD pantheon, and like I said he's a former mortal himself. It wouldn't be out of the question for him to be a petty and insecure deity. He could have been the sort of guy where becoming a god of death by itself wasn't enough power. If Myrkul was a different person, he might have wanted people to stroke his ego and say how strong he is. He might have been someone who felt inadequate as a god without that affirmation. He could have (as a character) been unsatisfied and forever wanting/dependent upon the views of others to define himself. The fact that he DOES focus on death and decay as forces rather than himself is a big deal in reading him imo.

Anyway. Myrkul's emphasis on death as something feared got me thinking about what would cause a person to put such weight on death being understood in its negative aspect. It struck me that this is actually a very common and even important thing. You don't need to demonize death to see it, either. If you value life as sacred, the idea of life being treated as cheap or disposable is horrifying. When you love something dearly, the idea of that beloved thing being defaced is beyond outrage. It's a kind of sacrilege. People who kill as casually as breathing, who revel in the permanent destruction of someone else, become a source of horror. The absence of love creates a sort of cruelty that can't even perceive itself. And it's not uncommon for human beings in particular to partake in this. Humans dance on the graves of those they deem enemies not because they're relieved to be safe, but because they glory in the end of other lives. They don't recognize that anything of value was lost. There is no tragedy in death anymore. Every gentle moment, every vulnerability, every tragedy in their opponent's life is something to be crapped on and gloated over. There is no greater insult to life itself. Myrkul stands as a reminder that such behavior cannot stand. You can't treat life or death as cheap. To see something horrific and fail to realize the weight of its horror is itself a form of horror. The idea of a death that demands to be acknowledged for what it is, particularly by the living, imo actually denotes a level of care for life too. It might be harsh or ugly, but I don't know about evil. So while Myrkul is certainly flawed and often serves as an antagonist, I’d argue the function he performs is not only important but necessary.

And while it might vary between players, I found Aylin's enthusiastic executions and body defiling pretty uncomfortable. I understand she went through a lot and am fine with her as a character. But I think Myrkul's point stands if the audience feels even a moment of disquiet seeing her celebrate over the corpse of a broken person.

Some things are meant to be ugly.

BANE

Of the Dead Three I find Bane the most disturbing and dangerous tbh—but not for how Gortash invokes him. Way I see it, the other word for tyranny is authoritarianism on a macro-level, abuse on an individual level.

I’d argue that in life, we can only healthily control ourselves and our own individual actions/choices. We can try to persuade others or appeal to their judgment, but we can’t MAKE another person think or act how we wish. When folks attempt otherwise (individually or more broadly) it involves fear, force, deceit, or other forms of pressure. Coercion, enslavement. These fall under the umbrella of tyrannical practice to me. You treat another person as subhuman and strip them of agency.

We don’t live in a pure and ideal world. If a tyrannical person is committing crimes and denying others their free will through force, I wouldn’t call defense through force tyrannical as long as it wasn’t needlessly excessive. Power struggles exist. But the whole practice of using fear, force, deceit, or pressure to control another person is dangerous imo. They're to be utilized as little as possible.

In DnD I don’t think the fringe evil cults would be the ones most at risk for corruption by Bane. I don't think individuals or groups who prioritize self-indulgence would be most at risk, either. The most dangerous and frequent disciples of Bane imo would be within good alignment. This means followers of benevolent gods as well as the nations or groups that consider themselves to have righteous causes. ESPECIALLY those with chips on their shoulders.

When someone assumes they have and always will have the moral high ground, that they are incapable of committing injustice, that their end justifies whatever means, that it doesn’t count as abuse with the 'correct' target… that, to me, is where tyranny festers. The person convinced of their own moral infallibility is the one who sees no need for brakes and so cuts them without concern.

I’d argue everybody has a seed of tyranny in them that can be fed or starved. We feed that seed with our own indignation to become a tyrant victimizing others while still seeing ourselves as powerless. The person who first victimized you can still also be victimized by you. There isn’t a target that exists where finding joy in cruelty gets a pass.

Bane, I think, thrives on the idea that it's no problem if you're enforcing your will. Especially on people contemptible to you.

For DnD purposes, imagine you have zealous followers of idk Tyr. They are willing to do whatever it takes to enforce and spread their definition of justice. They believe in making examples of people at every opportunity. They torture, isolate, rob, and shame those they consider to be unjust or dangerous. If their victims are falsely accused—well. It’s for a noble purpose so the sacrifice is not in vain. And imagine Tyr abandons these followers as hypocrites. He no longer empowers clerics or paladins no matter how they cite scripture or brand ‘heretics’ with his symbols.

Bane doesn’t enter calling himself Bane, god of tyranny. Bane claims to follow a higher justice. Maybe he uses an avatar, maybe he chooses a Banite disciple, maybe he finds a true believer. But he argues that Tyr as an individual was never ultimately what those zealots stood for—it was justice itself. And if Tyr has turned traitor to his own portfolio, mortals need to go over his head to the core concept and implement that. Bane offers a name that suits his purposes and begins sourcing power to clerics and paladins instead. And throughout, as the zealots commit increased atrocities against those they deem dangerous or evil they fail to realize they’ve spiraled into evil alignment after all. They’d think they were either just as good as they’d always been OR BETTER. The compassion of Ilmater is spent on the depraved and corrupt as far as they’re concerned.

I think the real threat of Bane is that he should be 100% capable of corrupting an otherwise heroic party member if they aren’t wary of that capacity in themself. You suddenly find your friend who listened to your problems and supported you through awful shit mocking a person sobbing on the ground as they kick them. And that friend looks betrayed and hurt (or outraged) if you challenge their actions, because they think you should know exactly how disgusting this piece of shit is and how much they deserve the abuse. And even if you concede that individual case—it’s not the only one. The slights worthy of torment become smaller and smaller. A thought or word out of line betrays the ideology of an evil alignment, with the only solution being to beat thoughts and words out of the target until they can only repeat approved ideas back. And even then, it may not be enough.

If it was explicitly confirmed that the deity the zealot followed was Bane all along, the zealot might genuinely not believe it. They might get pissed at the very suggestion. What they do against the wicked isn’t tyranny after all. They’re righteous.

Denial doesn’t serve to disempower Bane in the least if tactics remain unchanged.

BHAAL

I’m holding off on more detailed Bhaal thoughts until I complete a dark urge run, but I’ve listened to lore on both him and the demon lord Yeenoghu recently—and I think there’s room for a really cool potential contrast.

Yeenoghu Lore

Providing this particular video link for the curious, as a way to help illustrate what I’m drawing from.

Yeenoghu holds the title as demon lord of slaughter. He glories in filth, rape, excessively graphic murder, torture, violence, and playing with corpses along the way. He’s meant to come across as a bestial, self-absorbed, remorseless desecrater. And when I say bestial, I want to draw attention to a particular IRL factoid that might be worth considering.

I love animals to bits. I don’t think animals generally contemplate morality the way humans do just due to cognitive differences and limitations. I also think it’s important to remember that humans are ALSO animals, so certain things umbrella’d under ‘human experience’ would probably apply to at least some animals too. If there are human altruists and human serial killers, we should be able to expect that animals likewise have some altruists and some serial killers within the scope of individual variation.

Cruelty is not exclusive to humans. Orcas will essentially torture smaller animals to death by flinging them into the air with their tails repeatedly like balls until repeated beatings and suffocation kill them. Dolphins commit rape and chew on live puffer fish to get high off the toxins. Chimpanzees are a horror unto themselves with cannibalism and mutilation and basically whatever atrocity they can commit. Wolves and cats sometimes hunt to excess just for the joy of it and don’t eat all they kill. Hannibal the swan (as a specific and notably homicidal individual) beat and drowned any other swans visiting his pond and showed his signet how to do it. I could go on. Some cases it might be a matter of the animal not having theory of mind to recognize that they are inflicting pain on another conscious creature. Other times, like with pissed off chimpanzees, they know EXACTLY what they’re doing and it’s on purpose to cause maximum suffering.

I think Yeenoghu should embody a little bit of both propensities. He’s just utterly self-absorbed and doesn’t give a fuck about the experiences or perspectives of other living things except insofar as they impact him.

Bhaal I want to research more like I said, but one thing I remember from my initial play through was finding a note from the Dark Urge to Orin.

Little sister, whatever in the Gray Wastes are we going to do with you? Bhaal will never care that you waste your time, posing your corpse-dollies. Bhaal doesn’t care whether you give him the corpse of a pauper or a king. At the end of the day, all Father wants is death in droves, death in numbers. To sap away the life of this dull world as swiftly and widely as we can. You plan, you plot, you prevaricate, and you waste his time. Bhaal doesn’t need us to think. He needs us to kill. You kill beautifully, and have talents in your shapes’ magics that I never will. But you do not understand Lord Bhaal. Perhaps it is a failing of your diluted blood, as a mere grandchild. I am his sole living pureblood. I will accept no challenge from you, until you show some damned respect.

To be honest this is interesting af to me because it positions Orin a bit more in-line with Yeenoghu’s modus operandi in some ways. But what sets apart the principles of Bhaal from Yeenoghu or Myrkul?

The Dark Urge suggests the goal of Bhaal is the extinction of all life, but to be honest I’m a bit skeptical. Seems like short term thinking. Even if Bhaal pulled that off, once it’s done there is no more murder or god of murder for that matter. If Bhaal is aiming for a cessation of existence and wants everyone else along for the ride maybe that’s what he’s after, but I dunno. That seems like something fans/players/loremasters would have touched on before.

I’d like to invite this possibility for foiling instead:

Life consumes other life by nature. Animals, plants, fungi, bacteria, so forth—it isn’t just a matter of philosophy. One life cannot exist without destroying another. We need to eat. If we don’t, we die well before reproduction enters the picture. But it’s more than that… you take a step, you kill countless tiny organisms you aren’t even aware of. You swat a fly. You hit something with your car. You move gracelessly or touch carelessly, and catastrophe ensues. Etcetera.

It is inevitable that your existence will mean the end for the life of another living thing. That’s just how it goes.

It could be interesting on a LOT of fronts (both as members of the dead three and as former adventuring companions) if Bhaal acted as a kind of philosophical opposite to Myrkul the way I previously described.

If the Dark Urge’s note is to be trusted, Bhaal has no interest in ritual or glorified death per se. Bhaal would be more about the mundanity that comes through the act of killing. Life is fragile as-is and often ended by accident. Killing in its most common form is thoughtless and unconscious. To Bhaal, if every life is a universe then the universe looks meaningless. There is no importance or fanfare to any of it. If one side is ‘everything matters, give weight to life and death’, Bhaal would be ‘nothing matters, we are not capable of affording reverence to every single life and death we encounter’. More specifically, the mass deaths Bhaal favors would be a kind of illustration of the uncaring and casual relationship living things have with killing other living things. The more casual and effortless it is, the more I’d imagine it serves Bhaal. Sadism and revelry miss the point—there is no hierarchy. Suffering is inconsequential. Fear is inconsequential. Instinct is inconsequential. To live is to kill by Bhaal’s logic.

It isn’t limited to murder in the sense of a member of one species killing a member of the same species. It’s more Bhaal is the god of killing. He’d gain power from murder too sure, but also hunting, harvesting, and butchering. With these interpretations in-mind, we can actually figure out how the Dead Three might have answered Jergal's question about what worth a mortal life holds. With the disclaimer this is very much conjecture. I think Myrkul would likely be "Each life is of infinite value and merits sacrificing everything for." That lends life a heavy weight and makes death a fearful force for all. It would also mesh with Ketheric as his chosen. Bane would lean into "That depends on a person's deeds", "The only life that matters is mine", or "Depends on the mortal". From those positions, the speaker argues for a hierarchy of life where some is more expendable than the rest. It's easier from that position to slide into adopting a role as judge and executioner, and from elevating yourself into a role of authority where other voices and experiences count less than your own. Bhaal I think is reflected in "Life’s only value is as currency. Doesn’t matter to me otherwise", "The only life that matters is mine", or "No one life is worth more than any other. We are equal." Bhaal has the implicit question in-turn: what is the blood-price of your own life? How much have you claimed in your own name to keep moving? It's kind of the belief that while "The only life that matters is mine" is Bhaal's answer, every other living thing should be answering the same way. There's more nuance than that of course, and likely truth falls somewhere in the middle. We aren't mentally capable of giving reverence to every death, but we can recognize in general terms and do our best case-by-case. We have a right to protect ourselves and what we love, but others share that right.

Feel free to offer different stances or thoughts though, and if you made it this far goddamn thank you for reading this monster.

[tmaismyhyperfixation]

A message for my fellow trans ppl <3

A few years ago, while trying to track down an old friend of my dad's, we realized she was trans. I was obviously ecstatic to find out that my dad had an old trans friend, who he thought was simply gay and in drag for their college years, because I thought he might finally try to understand how awful it can be sometimes. But, no, and he continued to call the old friend by her deadname and use he/him pronouns for her. When I told him that he should probably stop deadnaming her (he wasn't actually talking *to* her, as we have no idea what her phone number or address is, but he was talking *about* her) but when I mentioned the term, 'deadname' he laughed. It shocked me that he could so easily dismiss something we find so sacred in the trans community. I told him, 'yes, its called a deadname, because the person who used to use it is dead.' He simply dismissed me. I felt so violated, but it was one of the first times I realized just how disconnected cis, and many sexuality-wise queer ppl are from the trans experience. My parents strongly believe trans women are ugly and rapists. Which is not only a disgusting opinion, but shows just how little they know. In the trans community, we hold each other's hands and hearts, both of which have been peeled of their outer skins, and have had their nerves pinched and prodded. We caress the wounds of our siblings, avoiding the abused nerves, spreading love on their scarred flesh. No cis person can relate to that feeling, of being completely unknown by those around you, but finding someone who can know exactly what you are feeling with just a look. When a trans person stares down at their own chest, we know exactly what they are feeling, down to the marrow in their bones. But a cis person might simply think they are checking for stains, or at the most, register that the person is uncomfortable.

No matter how much we teach the cis community, they will never completely understand what dysphoria is like. However, we can still accept the small victories. If an opportunity where you are able to educate ever arises, please take it. Together, we will create a new world. One where not so many of our siblings are killed by themselves or others. Remember, there will always be the community to come back to, no matter how bad it gets. TRANS PPL ARE BEATIFUL. Period. Remember that. Please. We are an endangered group fighting for our lives, but we are always beautiful. Every act of loving yourself is a piece of the revolution. Stay alive. Having you here is more important than ever. STAY SAFE <333

[moltz23]

That one time Fire Emblem Lied to its players [Fire Emblem: Three Houses Analysis]

Have a picture of Rhea, for no particular reason.

The Fire Emblem franchise is no stranger to games having multiple routes with various perspectives. FE Fates’ whole gimmick was about how Corrin’s view of the Hoshido & Nohr war changes depending on whom they chose to (potentially not) support; their Nohrian siblings, or/and the Hoshidans. And as a less-drastic example, Sacred Stones also has a choice midway through the story, in which picking Eirika or Ephraim as the main lord changes both the next few chapters and how the main antagonist is portrayed.

Meanwhile, even though Fire Emblem: Three Houses technically continued this tradition, unlike past games, it took the choice of making sure there would be no story branch with an unbiased view of the world, history, and events. As a result, we ended up with a game that, compared to previous entries, lies to its players.

Why Three Houses of all games got hit with this treatment? Well, that’s exactly what I’m set to show everyone here, so sit tight, and grab a drink and a snack or something, because to understand this, we first need to talk about Biased Storytelling. 

What even IS Biased Storytelling? 

In the context of Three Houses and this analysis, I refer to “biased storytelling” as the narrative technique in which the story’s perspective is so rooted in the chosen faction, that it impacts the perspective taken of its events.

Toshiyuki Kusakihara, Three Houses’ director, alludes to it in a 2020 Nintendo Interview, making clear this was a deliberate choice from his end:

Kusakihara: For me, I think games are a way to simulate a world and its story as if the player were experiencing it themselves. I’m personally the type of person that gets absolutely sucked into things like movies and games. I tried setting up a prank using how the game itself is structured: the player would go through the game once and really experience the world, then they’d talk about it with someone else and be like, “we played the same game right? Why are we talking about two different things?” I thought that it might be interesting where even if you picked the same house as somebody, your experience could differ from somebody else’s based on who you recruited. You might even say to yourself, “hey, I didn’t even see that scene!”

With just this decision, Three Houses became free to have each of its plots tackle whatever ideas it wanted. And with no golden/true route on sight, players became forced to make sense of everything themselves, pin-pointing every potential detail which could explain notorious divergences and similarities between narratives.

Accomplishing this does come with many challenges. Through understanding what the game does to make each story feel different though, one detail of its writing stands out:

It’s all about Perspective:

3 nations. 3 future rulers. 4 perspectives.

Perspective is, simply put, Three Houses’ main bread and butter. In spite of heavily recycling its content whenever possible, it’s what ultimately makes each route feel different from one another. Silver Snow and Verdant Wind for example, might be infamous for sharing a good chunk of story beats and maps ‘til the near end, but neither of them feels the same in terms of themes and perspective as a result, more so with the titular supporting cast each story features.

To set up its various perspectives, the narrative did the following:

First, it had the story take place in a world with a vast history.

Second, it had a particular character (Byleth) act as an audience surrogate.

And third and most importantly, context on the world & events was provided by characters who have unique backgrounds and strategic roles in the setting. Most notably: Rhea; Edelgard; Dimitri; and Claude (there are also a few auxiliary ones like Sothis which do contribute to this cornucopia of POVs though), some of which are route exclusive.

I simply cannot stress how much Rhea and the House Leaders’ involvement in the plot colors things for players. One of the better examples where their differences are exposed in full is arguably Chapter 5: Tower of Black Winds. 

As a brief recap: In it, Rhea assigns Byleth & their class the task of eliminating Miklan - disowned son of House Gautier - and his gang, who had recently stolen a Hero Relic.  Prior to the mission itself, Blue Lions and Golden Deer introduces the player supporting figures that played key roles in the chosen House Leader’s past: Rodrigue for Dimitri; and Judith for Claude (for those wondering, no equivalent exists for Edelgard in Black Eagles).

Then the Miklan mission happens and… Let’s just say people have thoughts about it:

To break things down, in all routes:

Sothis is puzzled by the whole thing, and feels she has seen the demonics beasts before…

Meanwhile, Rhea believes Miklan deserved to get screwed over. After all, unlike Byleth, he was not chosen nor deemed worthy of wielding their crest and Hero Relic. Also, she tells Byleth to keep Miklan’s transformation a secret to prevent mass hysteria.

Meanwhile, the House Leaders - whom the player gets only in certain routes - are the ones who truly make things interesting:

Even though both Edelgard and Dimitri agree that Crests shouldn’t hold so much importance, each one’s solution to the issue provides a clear image of how they see the world and how much they ideologically contrast one another, and their thoughts on Miklan’s predicament as well hint at their different backgrounds and past experiences. Then we have Claude, who by contrast is unfamiliar with Crests - not unlike Byleth* - and discloses nothing about his dream or, in other words, “his ideal world”, only confiding it’s something only connections and power can achieve. 

Ladies and gentlemen, this is quite exactly where the heart of Three Houses’ deceit lies. More conventional stories wrestle with the fact they need to provide information about the world which must be accepted as fact, which is where the act of exposition comes in, usually from an ally or from some character well versed in the setting. Conversely, others like Three Houses blatantly lie to its players by simply having their characters provide exposition based on what they realistically know about the world they’re in, and how their backgrounds color the perception of the events witnessed. At best they provide a good guide for understanding things but taking them at face value does come with a few risk.

*As a bit of an aside though, I do wanna drive attention to how Claude assumes double duty in Three Houses’s story (and ONLY Three Houses) in a way no one else does. Unlike Rhea, Edelgard and Dimitri, whom are very much familiar with Fódlan’s idiosyncrasies (sometimes, far more than they’ll let you know), Claude’s own unfamiliarity with Fódlan means he ends up working in practice as a second audience surrogate, and thus has his story be the most “lore exploring” narrative of all given how much of a driving force Claude’s avarice for the truth is, his biases aside.

Varying Knowledge on Events.

Moving onwards, one of the risks caused by the characters having realistic human knowledge is that understanding and perception of events wildly changes depending on the character relaying the information. Chapter 5 was a good case of this already, but another solid example can be seen in what happens to the Holy Kingdom of Faerghus post-timeskip outside Crimson Flower. 

For context’s sake: one way or another, Dimitri is unable to assume the throne due to the Faerghus Dukedom being established by Cornelia, Faerghus’ Court Mage, and isn’t seen again for a long while.

My vague recollection of said events was done deliberately, and I feel the evidence below speaks for itself:

Both Seteth and Claude’s knowledge on Dimitri’s fate and how the Faerghus Dukedom came to be are very surface level. Meanwhile, Gilbert’s perspective is a lot more intimate, which fits since he was there when it all happened.

And on the note of characters being there when things happen-

Scenes (not!) shown to the Player

This one’s by far the most sneaky trick the writers pulled (and also more of a lie by omission than anything). I mean, If the player doesn’t choose the Black Eagles/Blue Lions/Golden Deer, it makes sense they’re not shown what Edelgard/Dimitri/Claude are up to respectively, yeah? But that comes with a consequence: the player misses scenes providing context for their actions and motivations.

Case in point: Dimitri’s whole vendetta against Edelgard. Outside of Blue Lions, Dimitri eventually develops an unhinged hatred against Edelgard, but the player is never shown its source. And all because the scene introducing this isn’t relevant to the story being told in those routes.

After Jeralt’s death in Chapter 9, in Black Eagles & Golden Deer, Alois visits Byleth in Jeralt’s room as they mourn their loss, giving the mercenary-turned-teacher some words of comfort. And in those routes, Edelgard and Claude get their own chance to do so in a early scene in Chapter 10 which is juxtaposed with TWSITD & the Flame Emperor having a villain moment™.  

In Blue Lions however, Dimitri visits Byleth instead of Alois in Ch. 9. In turn, Byleth, instead of remaining mournful, does a walk at night the next day and finds Dimitri eavesdropping the whole conversation between TWSITD and Flame Emperor. This shows players what happens after the villain moment™ ends, and how Dimitri eavesdropping on it and getting the Flame Emperor’s dagger convinces him that Edelgard was the mastermind of the Tragedy of Duscur.

Also the moment where everything goes to hell for Dimitri.

The way the Blue Lions' version of the scene was handled also raises interesting implications when considering the timeline of events. Not only does it suggest Dimitri eavesdropping that moment is canon to White Clouds, but also that it’s purely through slightly different circumstances that the story allows it to be shown to Byleth (and by proxy, the player). And this is not even the only case - Crimson Flower for example, implies the explanation Rhea gives to Seteth about what Byleth truly is - in her eyes, that is - always happens even when the titular surrogate isn’t present where it takes place.

When even the lore is biased.

Finally, I want to wrap this up with the most elaborate and confusion-inducing stunt the game pulls to the player: The War of Heroes. 

The tl;dr, as far the Church/Rhea claims - per Part 1, White Clouds - goes as follows: 

Goddess bestows blessings and weapons to humans to fight evil. 

Humans defeat evil. 

Humans misuse blessings and grow corrupt. 

Goddess is sad and leaves.

The Goddess’ prophet arrives, makes miracles, creates the Church of Seiros, co-founds the Adrestian Empire with Wilhelm I, and gives other humans - along with other fellow saints - Crests. 

The Adrestian Empire expands, and fights Nemesis’ forces. 

The War of Heroes happens.

Nemesis is slain in the Tailtean Plains.

Goddesses’ weapons are retrieved as the Ten Elites fall, and their clans are assimilated into the Empire.

War ends sometime later.

As for what took place in reality? the game provides us 2 POVs from 2 different sources:

Both perspectives share that the Church’s history records of the events were a textbook example of propaganda - yet also differ on one key area: the motive behind the war, which begs the question: What happened here? 

Well, this is one of those things that I hinted that we would need to pierce ourselves as the game’s never upfront about it. Which means that, to make sense of everything, we have to take into account the evidence at hand the game gives us: 

Rhea was there when the Tragedy of the Red Canyon happened, and knew her species was being killed and harvested for power by humans (which should not have known how to do what they did).

It’s well documented that Seiros and the Saints used their dragon forms against Nemesis’ forces in battle. Warrios: Three Hopes’ intro movie even shows a battle in which Seiros switches forms in the battlefield.

Wilhelm (The First) is the human that found Seiros after the slaughter and supported her fight with Nemesis. And as Edelgard’s claims, he did this knowing she was a dragon, and that her victory would subjugate humanity to her.

Part 1 is very unsubtle over how Rhea has a lot of secrets, to the point not even Seteth knows why she does things sometimes. 

One of Abyss’ banned books heavily implies no one in Fódlan – sans a select few - know what a dragon is, when examining the bone composition of the Hero’s Relics…

Taking all evidence into account, it should be easy to grasp how Wilhelm the human, despite being one of Rhea’s biggest supporters versus Nemesis, ultimately ended up getting a completely different idea on the motives Rhea had for her whole crusade against the murderer of her kin. Understandably yet tragically so, all points out Rhea didn’t trust Wilhelm enough to tell him the truth of her cause, so she let him come up with his own conclusions. Conclusions, which later made their way into his descendants in secret, and eventually, to Edelgard.

But wait, what about the other faction involved in the war? Nemesis and co.? What was their take on the whole thing?

Well, we technically do know their POV, but it’s not openly discussed in the main story. Instead, it’s spread around in breadcrumbs in the game itself:

In short, not only Nemesis’ most important men were ignorant of his most heinous acts (or perhaps, it would be more accurate to say they didn’t perceive them as heinous?), when Nemesis found out Seiros was publicly framing him as a good man turned bad that needed to be put down for the greater good - all to rally allies for Wilhelm’s Empire - Nemesis’ ensuing statement was something that could be very well summed as the following: 

Actually uncanny how this fits.

There are so many more examples that I want to bring out right now (both from Three Houses and Three Hopes), but I feel that by this point there’s not much left that hasn’t been said already. That is, other than the questions the whole Biased Storytelling stunt caused: Where does the truth lie when everyone is missing pieces of the puzzle? Can someone truly lie when they're unaware such missing pieces even exist? In a story, how canonical truly is the context not shown to the reader? Should one be allowed to know the circumstances of every important event in a story, even if it's irrelevant to the key narrative? 

[starleska]

important message: if you're a Twitter user, please hop on over to Bluesky 💙

as you may know, Elon is making yet another fuck-stupid decision: to alter Twitter's block feature, allowing people you've blocked to still not be able to reply to/interact with your posts, but they can see what you've posted. obviously this is a horrible, terrifying idea, and possibly the nail in the coffin for a lot of people who've been growing increasingly frustrated, angered and upset with the way Twitter is as a social media. Bluesky is an open-network Twitter alternative which is very similar to Twitter, but without an engagement-based algorithm: the only algorithms at play are ones you have control over, by voting to see more or less of posts. it has a Tumblr-like tagging system and doesn't shove unrelated, rage-baiting content into your face: you can actually search the tags properly, including what people have tagged on their own account.

i'm one of those people who has been vocal about how bad Twitter has been for my mental health. every day, despite my efforts to make it a lovely, fun place to be, i'd still get posts talking about horrible, untagged, triggering topics, whether that be accusations of abuse or photographs of individuals who've been severely harmed or killed. it was pushing me towards a breakdown. i conducted an experiment to see how long it took scrolling down my Twitter feed to see something that made me angry, upset, or anxious, and every time, it was within ten minutes. i've been wanting to leave Twitter for so long, but didn't feel there was another option besides here. now, there is. Bluesky has gained half a million people in the last day, and that number keeps going up. people are realising what an absolute fucking hellscape Twitter has become, and how sick it's been making everyone. on Twitter, nothing is private, or sacred: everyone is furious and upset and paranoid all of the time, and you aren't allowed to escape it. you physically can't. and that is not healthy or normal. i have not heard a single favourable thing about Twitter in two years. every conversation i have with someone about it, is always, 'i wish i could quit Twitter because it's making me sick, but it's really hard.'

so far, Bluesky has been like a breath of fresh air. it feels so...unburdened. the utter lack of charged, political, aggressive tweets has me feeling off-balance. all i'm seeing is lovely art from friends, and silly posts about how much nicer it is there!! yes, Bluesky is early days and it doesn't have as many bells and whistles as Twitter, but my God the people behind it are listening to its userbase. it is a functional, clean, relaxed type of social media that i think so, so many of you would benefit from joining. so please...if you've been feeling exhausted and infuriated by the standard Musk-era Twitter has set for social media, give Bluesky a shot. you can use the Sky Follower Bridge extension to find all your pals from Twitter who are already on Bluesky! and if you want to give me a follow, i'm @starleska.bsky.social - i'd love to see you there 🥰

[sgiandubh]

So about TCND. NO I'M KIDDING. Don't throw me away. What else are you watching or reading or interested in lately? There isn't actually anything to talk about regarding OL (the show or actors therein) and TCND is off the table until someone has actually seen it. Anything interesting going on?

Dear What Else Anon,

Oh, I am definitely not going to throw out such a wonderful question! I do think there are more things of interest regarding OL and actors therein (more on this, tomorrow and mood/current drama allowing). But your ask reminded me (and should remind anyone) there are other things happening under the sun than this.

I am still fighting with The Fiery Cross. Sometimes, I get tired of its unjustified slow burn and briefly seek solace somewhere else. While I quit the horrible habit of reading two books simultaneously years ago, I find soothing to sometimes take a break with a good poem.

This one, for example: Brecht's Questions From a Worker Who Reads (translated into English by M. Hamburger - probably the most satisfying version I could find on the Internet, right now - the original is um, more complex)

Who built Thebes of the seven gates? In the books you will find the name of kings. Did the kings haul up the lumps of rock? And Babylon, many times demolished. Who raised it up so many times? In what houses Of gold-glittering Lima did the builders live? Where, the evening that the Wall of China was finished Did the masons go? Great Rome Is full of triumphal arches. Who erected them? Over whom Did the Caesars triumph? Had Byzantium, much praised in song, Only palaces for its inhabitants? Even in fabled Atlantis The night the ocean engulfed it The drowning still bawled for their slaves.

The young Alexander conquered India. Was he alone? Caesar beat the Gauls. Did he not have even a cook with him? Philip of Spain wept when his armada Went down. Was he the only one to weep? Frederick the Second won the Seven Years' War. Who Else won it?

Every page a victory. Who cooked the feast for the victors? Every ten years a great man. Who paid the bill?

So many reports. So many questions.

Speaking of Byzantium, this reminded me of Bissera Pentcheva and Jonathan Abel's absolutely remarkable experiment into reconstructing (by computer) the acoustics of Constantinople's Agia Sophia and use it as an audio filter for sacred music recordings. In order to do that, she simply had to pop a balloon inside the cathedral (with special permit and adequate measuring and recording equipment) - it took her five days to get the perfect pitch. As a result, we now can hear those hymns the same way someone would around 1400, AD. This is probably the closest we could get to time travel:

Oh, and I am also watching The Crown's sixth and last season, as many in this fandom, I suppose. More on this, when we are completely done with it. OL was the only exception to my read/listen/watch it all before discussing it rule.

You are obviously Anon but I have to thank you for this! Brought up wonderful memories of week-ends in Constantinople, staying at the Hagia Sofia Mansions and nearly touching its roof from the window of my room in the Yeșil Ev villa. Today, it's over: the Hilton guys took the whole complex and revamped it, Mafia style.

But this memory will never go away:

... a room

....with a view:

Would it be a good idea to make a new, weekly series out of your ask, perhaps something along the lines of Life Beyond OL? I am seriously toying with it, if that's what it takes to try and keep a modicum of sanity during promo: you decide on this one, here is a poll.

[system-of-a-feather]

I am genuinely gonna say this even though it's syscourse (and that I prefer to keep syscourse off my blog) cause 1) its related to my views and recovery which is what this blog is about and 2) I feel people might actually hear me out as an ex-anti-endo and DID* system, but being anti-endo (talking about "endogenics existing" not any larger criticisms on individuals or communities; thats a different topic) really perpetuates some unproductive mentalities around alters and multiplicity that really honestly is very healing to let go of and stop worrying about.

Like even just from a solely selfish point of view and not a "don't judge how people get by in life and what works for them" - holding so tightly onto this idea that being multiple parts, people, identities etc and operating life like that as this sacred, unique, and trauma-defined experience just really holds you in a place of saying that "I am significantly different due to trauma and I am inherently not the same as a 'normal person' because of the trauma" which I GET it, its true trauma does change you like that, it has changed brain circuitry and there are things those of us who have Been Through it at a young age will understand.

But like... I know it might be hard to see and understand depending on where in healing you are, but interacting with yourself as multiple parts and individuals - while not traditional and orthodox - is honestly.... not new or that special? Especially as the dissociative barriers lessen, the idea that there is a straight and clear divide between "multiple" and "singlet" really starts to be debunked.

In my opinion, it's hard to see the difference between a person who has multiple parts due to trauma BUT recovered to lower dissociative barriers, and someone who has multiple parts because they are a multifaceted person BUT interacts with themselves in an Internal Family Systems manner because that helps them, and someone who has multiple parts that they choose to interact with as separate as it gives them company, insight, and comfort.

And personally? I think thats really beautiful honestly. Even though our brain has been royally fucked by trauma from an insanely young age to the point that it segregated parts to survive, it's not inherently anything that is "proof" that we are broken or changed significantly from any other person or human.

Of course there is nuance, I do think that especially earlier stage recovery DID systems really should have the option for their own space and what not, because the "going through it" experience of DID is so so so so so extremely different than that of someone who is late stage recovery, at functional multiplicity, and/or a system that is endogenic and/or operates within themselves as multiple for non-trauma related reasons.

But honestly? We stopped being anti-endo largely cause the more we recovered, the less and less sense and significance it held.

Also, do not argue "science!!!!" at me. I'll ignore it cause again, I used to be a feverous anti-endo. I know the texts, I've read them, I love reading research papers.

((Usual disclaimer: while we are generally / vaguely pro-endo / endo-safe we very rarely interact with the community due to lack of interest and limited time in our life (we aren't online enough) so we have limited awareness on how things work there and unspoken social rules; we are not In The Endo community, we just think they deserve to have their space and designated shared spaces. If we said anything that is Bad Rhetoric or what not, I apologize as I am not the most versed in endo-community talk))

((*DID = Dissociative System in general, I don't care for discourse regarding DID and if that is inherently trauma or not and any interprettation - in this post - beyond 'a system with notable dissociative issues and a dissociative disorder' is up to the person reading))

[hexehaus]

Wondering & Debating

NOT a hoodoo spell. And THIS is how herbs go on a candle. Powdered, NOT whole! 😂

Okay. Hear (or read) me out. Years ago, about 10 years...someone from a prominent hoodoo site tried to ruin my Etsy store's reputation because I accidentally used one of their images. They put my store up on their site and called me a fraud. I had no idea the image was was theirs and I took it down. They refused to take the fraud shit down. I did a spell and it fucking disappeared. So I ain't crazy about hoodoo.

I realize that hoodoo is supposed to be of African descent, but not as it is presently, no. It differs greatly from the practices that I've learned. And no, sorry - Lucky Mojo isn't the be all to end all. Real hoodoo that I know utilizes Lẹ̀, in Yoruba - or in Spanish, palos, meaning sticks. I don't know Kikongo. So I'll use Spanish or Yoruba.

So I've read that Devil's Shoestring and herbs like Rue, Wormwood and Comfrey are good for protection from evil. I know they are very powerful, but I also know that there is a palo that is very powerful that has much older associations that go not only back to Africa, but we can also get it in America and Europe. It has awesome power of protection from evil and hexes and it is sacred to the Orisha Obatala who owns this plant. Known as Saúco, or Elder, this palo precedes the hoodoo herbs that you usually find listed online. Africans had been using Elder longer than the Celts, it does appear.

So much for authenticity in hoodoo. I don't believe Devil's Shoestring, Wormwood, or Comfrey were available in Africa. Elder doesn't have a quirky name, so I suppose its not hoodoo? Lol! It does have nicknames. Its just that ppl go insane if something doesn't match "the culture" and I'm just showing that a tree that most think is European is also in Africa, used for not only protection, but also purity/purification (Obatala), wisdom (also Obatala), divination (Orunmila or Ifá the Sage diviner), healing (again Orunmila, as the Divine Physician), fertility and renewal.

I'm not against hoodoo, its just not my cup of tea the way ppl practice it today. I originally learned hoodoo from a Wicca book and it was better than most stuff that I see online. That was 1993 though. 🤔 And not a Llewellyn book, actually a Citadel book. Still got a copy.

Just wanted to say that palos actually are a lot stronger than herbs. Sticks hold more "juice" than herbs and so do roots. Herbs are the weakest. Berries should only be used when fully dried and best in hanging bags or in concealment. Disagree if you will. I have 30 years of herbalism experience. I love Yoruba ewe which I'm learning. I fell in love with Prodigiosa, the mighty consecration ewe because of Ifá and other African practices that I've learned. I'm not just book learned. I had training in Ifá. 😊 And...sooo many years of Palo now!

One may ask where to find knowledge about the palos. Sorry! Very hard! Its in Spanish but I have no books. Its also called a Tata, or Palo priest. No books in English. The ewe, are probably in books. Some Santeria books have information, though with good authors like Migene Gonzalez-Whippler, the plants are in Spanish. And not able to translate because they are not native. Even Santero/Palero Carlos Montenegro, much is in Spanish or you have to read between the lines or...is totally missing! He has the best candle color correspondences I've seen besides Charmaine Gray though! The correspondences here on tumblr leave much to be desired.

Off topic!

If anyone wishes to disagree with my words, make a comment but please no rude insults or accusations. Civility reigns here at Hexe's.

M.M. 💖💀💖

[notjusthespongenextdoor]

thought about the royal family for like 30 seconds and now i'm pissed off at the british museum KJDSFHKJDFG i could absolutely just end this post now. yall already know.

but i keep thinking about the """justification""" of like. oh we have to keep these precious artifacts, the cultures we stole them from wouldn't take good enough care of them 🥺🥺🥺 we're doing everyone a favor really 🥺🥺🥺

like, 1. you stole that shit, you shouldn't have it in the first place, thus your argument is invalid

2. assuming the cultures you stole them from "can't" take good care of them is pretty racist

3. , and what i think is the bigger philosophical point here that really gets me, is like. hey listen bud. if you knew for 100% fact that if you gave the artifact back to its rightful owners and they were going to immediately burn it or smash it with sledgehammers or throw it into the bottom of a lake. ITS STILL THEIR ARTIFACT TO DO THAT WITH. you should still give it back. they know better than you.

there's this whole thing about """preservation""" that's just like. okay yeah cool if YOUR culture has certain things that you think are really neat and want to put in a carefully climate controlled glass box for as long as possible, or if you get a legitimate loan of those items from someone else, good that's cool, i like seeing old stuff and those are very useful to learn from and can provoke strong senses of connection and belonging to previous eras etc etc

but if you have absolutely no idea what the purpose of the items you took are? like? okay if they were hanging up in the sunlight outside or people were touching them all the time or walking on them or using them as fucking dinnerware idk and you're like oh nooo they're destroying these precious artifacts oh nooooo

MAYBE. just MAYBE. the LIVING CULTURE is more important than the object itself. like these people know what they're fucking doing with their own sacred artifacts. or even like...non-sacred artifacts that they nevertheless rely on in some way for their daily lives. like yeah maybe it's an incredibly old and precious statue or whatever but like. how are you going to take it out of its context and say you're 'preserving history' when you're actively participating in destroying the current culture by coming in and fucking up someone's cultural practices. the idea that "preserving" an item is more important than preserving the real life people and their real life current practices is so like...taken for granted, when it's the real alive people that should be prioritized absolutely 100% of the time 🙃 it's such a western thing of us to do to be like, oh no no no you're using it wrong!!! you're ruining it!!!! like okay?? and you're going to take it and put it in a box where no one can ever interact with it ever when that was its sole purpose for existing??? how is that better???? (and that's not even taking into account the ways that the museum has completely fucked up on even preserving the items the way they're meant to be seen, ie completely scrambling a whole people groups' cultural history cause they were like idk there's no reason these tablets need to be in this order right :) )

like yes if at all possible i think it's very cool for these things to be preserved for future generations to experience in some way. but with the technology we have available to us right now, with high definition photography and 3D scanning! it's so extraordinarily possible to preserve the data of it without removing it from its context! we can show people what it looked like AND let the original item exist where it's supposed to be!!!!!!!

hrhrhrhghrghghgh chewing on the furniture

[discordantwritings]

👉👈

Tell me about your One Piece OCs, Discordant. I want to know about all of them.

Prompting Questions:

1. Name, and what they like to be referred to as

2. Personality, Appearance & Alignment

3. Love Language

4. Character Ship (platonic, romantic)

5. Powers: haki, DF, race ability, weapons (Fishman, giant, etc)

6. Crew & Role

7. Favorite wind-down activity

8. Hobbies

9. Origins: History

10. Favorites: food, drink, color, friends

Oh noooo I guess I have to talk about at least one of my OCs moreeeeeee oh noooooooooooooo twist my armmmmmm

Thank you for asking so many questions! Let’s learn more about Cecilia!

Name: Cecilia

Personality + Alignment: Lawful Good

Cecilia is uptight and by the rules through and through. Operating most of the time at a low level of anxiety (that she claims is totally fine, this is just how she functions) she gets things done. The ship is clean and orderly mostly thanks to her. She can be overly formal but most of the time that is masking less than stellar social skills. She has a low tolerance for mistakes- in others and herself.

Appearance:

Love Language: Acts of Service. Catch her dead verbally expressing affection.

Ship: She does NOT have a homosexual rivalry with Teume. There is NOT underlying sexual tension. HOW DAREEEEE YOU-

She also, of course, does not have any confusion about her feelings for her Captain. It’s the normal amount of loyalty and dedication a first mate has. Its FINE

Powers: ok so this one is a doozy lock in for me making up One Piece lore.

Cecilia is the current holder of the Sword of Destruction- one third of an ancient weapon of mass destruction broken apart and spread across the world to never be brought together again. Soul bound to the weapon it is always with her- half of her soul sacrificed for the connection.

The Sword of Destruction isn’t just a sword but does take the form of one at rest. The Sword can transform into any weapon, intuitively changing forms to best suit the combat situation. This in itself is a double edged sword- it’s always the best weapon but Cecilia does not control when or what weapon it transforms into. She has to rely on her knowledge, intuition, and experience to be on top of its changes. Because of this though Cecilia is a master of practically all weapons and she constantly is training to keep her skills honed.

Due to losing half her soul in the sword binding process Cecilia is unable to use any form of Haki.

Crew and Role: First Mate and Master of the Chore Chart.

Loyal to a fault to her Captain Cecilia takes her job very seriously. While she has no idea how a normal ship functions she does her best to keep everyone on a schedule and all the chores and basics done. At first everyone hated it- but everyone’s come to realize that yeah, the chore chart helps.

Favorite Wind-Down Activity: what’s winding down? Cecilia isn’t familiar with the concept. She needs to be ready to fight at all times… but meditation is nice.

Hobbies: Training. More training. Sparring. And, occasionally, listening to her Captain read her stories.

Origins:

Cecilia was taken recruited at a young age to become the next holder of the Sword of Destruction. Given the nature of the sword’s powers it’s important to train the holder from a young age in every weapon under the sun. Cecilia trained day in and out for years and loved it. This was her purpose, her sacred duty, and she would fulfill it to the best of her abilities.

When she turned 18 it was time to bind herself to the Sword of Destruction- a brutal and painful ritual that had her kill the previous owner before giving up half of her soul, ripping from her body to bind itself to the weapon. But once that was done it was time for her to live her life as the protector and wielder of the Sword of Destruction- a honorable and noble task.

Right?

Cecilia quickly realized that this honorable and noble task involved her sitting alone on a remote island in the Grand Line until someone who somehow got knowledge of her comes and tries to kill her, after which she will continue to sit alone while bodies pile up around her. Everyone she saw for years was an enemy- everyone tried to kill her on sight. The bodies slowly decay around her.

Until one day a crew of two stumble upon her island- no idea of where they are and with no intent to kill her- not even after she tells them who and what she is. This Captain- if you could even call Katarina that at this point- even promises not to write down her story or her location.

Kindness was never something Cecilia had been given before.

Caught in a spiral of emotions she comes to the crushing realization that she doesn’t want to be alone- and she rushes at the chance to join this small crew.

Technically she isn’t abandoning her duties. She has the sword and isn’t going to die anytime soon so it’s fine. She totally doesn’t lay awake at night terrified that the person who trained her is going to find her and drag her back to that island and replace her. Nope. No fear.

Favorites: She will never admit it but Cecilia loves anything sweet- overly sugary coffee, cake, cookies- you name it she loves it. She can pretend she drinks coffee black all she wants but everyone on the crew knows better.

It’s obvious her favorite crew mate is Katarina- but she likes everyone else more than she will admit. Teume is great to spar with and Altair does push her to talk.

Also her favorite color is blue!

[goldenponcho]

You Can Lead a Castellan to Water…

So sorry this took so long!

Chapter 9: Coils

Ramon placed his glass carefully upon the table. He willed himself to appear reserved, while inside bursting with curiosity.

“A…cah-dough?”

Gail inhaled in preparation for a lot of explaining. “Believe it or not, yours isn’t the FIRST parasite worshiping village I’ve been forced into assimilation with.”

He squinted, a moment passing to process, “Then you mean to tell me that the reason that the plaga could not make residence within YOU is because you are heretofore…occupied?”

“Pretty much,” she leaned forward to rest her arms on the table, “They’re surgically implanted at full size. Wherever there’s room for it.” She traced a finger from the center of her ribcage and down over the left side of her stomach along the scar that was hidden beneath her bodice, “I’d imagine a tiny little egg wouldn’t be much of a match for a fully realized cadou if it decided it wasn’t up for sharing a host. It fuses with its host so completely it alters its DNA. Under a microscope, I wouldn’t even look human anymore.”

“I see…and Lord Saddler took advantage of the opportunity to attempt merging both parasites within one body,” Ramon shifted back in his chair, “Ingenious.”

“The only thing I’m still stumped on is how he knew I even existed.” Her fingers slid over the condensation on her glass, “My own family doesn’t even know what I am. Other than eight…maybe nine people from the village, no one knows.”

“And what would stop one of them from opening their mouths?”

“Their hearts being ripped out, for one,” she tapped her glass, “If they had found me, I’d have been taken back to the village. Probably to be killed, tortured, or experimented on, so this is preferable.”

Ramon nursed his wine in thought before narrowed eyes questioned her again, “However…that does not explain your curious ability to sense Lord Saddler as if you were one of us.”

“Oh, I’ve been able to sense EVERYONE’S plaga since then,” Gail picked up her glass with a flippant shrug, and Ramon gave a perturbed leer. “Yours and Saddler’s are easy to recognize. I can even tell Pesanta and Isidro’s apart now.”

Ramon released something between an exhale and a growl, “Well, isn’t that a convenient development… That, yet again, you have seen fit to keep me in the dark about. Care to enlighten how this occurred?”

A toothy grin answered his irritation, “Just one plaga injected into someone with DNA as unstable as mine was bound to cause side effects. Ya’ll tried it five times.” She sipped her drink. “The other cadou carriers were all different. The outcome depends on a lot of things: the carrier, their living space, things they’re exposed to. It gets complicated. YOU’VE seen how spontaneous evolution works… MESSY!”

“Spontaneous evolution?” Ramon’s brow twitched with realization, “Then, are those in possession of a cadou also capable of…an ascension, of sorts.”

Gail tilted her head, “Ascension?”

“An ultimate transformation. It can be induced in the lower among the plagas through the divine chantings of a Crimson Priest. It is the sacred rite and eventual fate of every follower from the lowest commoner to Lord Saddler himself.”

“You talkin’ about the exploding head guys back at the lab?” She leaned forward with a look of clear disgust, “THAT’S what you’ve got to look forward to?!”

Ramon gave a disparaging chuckled, “A divine being is not beholden to the fears or…aesthetic preferences of mortals. But trust that MY ascension will be greater than some lowly Ganado experiment from the lab.”

Gail’s brow was high on her forehead, and she pursed her lips with wide eyes behind her glass, “Congrats, I guess… Suppose I should be grateful a cadou transformation isn’t permanent.”

“Then you are capable of reverting forms at will?”

She gave a sarcastic breath of laughter, “Me PERSONALLY? I have no idea if I can even do it the FIRST time. I never got that far, and I think I’d rather not try to if I can help it.”

Ramon steepled his fingers, brow knitting in silence for a moment before his gaze darted back to her, “This…other religious community. Where is it? How did you come by it?”

“Middle-of-nowhere, Romania. Woulda been a couple hundred miles from Brașov, probably; it doesn’t have a name. Spent about seven years of my life there. Seven FORMATIVE years, unfortunately. I was five when my parents and I went hiking and must have veered off on the wrong trail, so I don’t remember much. All I DO remember is that we were chased. By lycans, I’m sure.”

“Lycans?” Ramon gave her a look of disbelief, “As in lycanthropy?”

“That’s what they called the ones whose psyche couldn’t quite endure the procedure. Sort of a more feral version of your Ganados. It’s DEFINITELY a fitting name, trust me.” She was now sitting sideways at the table, the arm with her glass resting next her plate. “Whatever happened in those first few hours must have been traumatic enough for my brain to block out. Suffice to say, my parents didn’t make it, and I was found and taken in by someone in the village. My first clear memory would have been weeks later after the procedure when I was tested for the first time. But like I said, she was never able to induce a transformation.”

“She?”

“Miranda.” She glanced toward him as she tapped the edge of her glass, and even as subtle as the twitch in her features was, Ramon sensed her EMENCE hatred in that name. “They called her “Mother” Miranda. Worshipped her, prayed to her… Like a god…or some kind of holy messenger, I guess. You’re familiar with the narrative.”

Ramon shifted in his seat, “And this Mother Miranda is the lead carrier of the cadou?”

“Not exactly. Her abilities come from the megamycete. The Black God, she called it, a fungal colony with roots that stretch throughout the entire village. The cadous are pieces taken from it and altered. It’s a whole process.”

Ramon stared at his long abandoned plate. Could there be another organism capable of the same power as the plaga? He had never questioned his belief that something with that kind of power must come from a god. Could it, perhaps, all be a part of the same divine plan?

But if that were the case, why would Lord Saddler have decided on killing Gail? Under those circumstances, would Gail not have been saved already? Lord Saddler knew all that Gail had just told him, didn’t he? He had to. Could this other organism, then…be a threat? A Lucifer to Los Illuminados’ Michael?

“I can tell you more if you’ve got questions.” He just barely registered what Gail was saying as his brain was racked for answers. “For now, I wouldn’t mind taking a walk in the garden,” she stretched her arms behind her head with a yawn, “It would be good to get acquainted with the puppies so they don’t bite me again.”

After a period of silence, Ramon’s stare finally focused on her, and he nodded, interrupted by a yawn of his own, “Of course…perhaps a stroll in the garden would serve us well.”

He waved to his Verdugos to accompany them as he stood, hoping to seem unfazed, but now overflowing with more questions. Questions that he knew would be much harder to answer as Gail wouldn’t have them.

Lord Saddler would know. He knew of this other supernatural organism. Yes. He would have the answers.

He let this comfort him before realizing that in his haze, they had already come through his room and were now on the veranda above the courtyard.

Gail inhaled the fresh air as they descended the steps to the grassy terrain below. “God, I love summer nights!” She looked to the sky, “Fewer and fewer places you can still see the stars like this.”

Ramon followed her gaze, allowing himself reprieve from his stressful thoughts to admire the night sky as well. “Venus is bright tonight.”

“Huh?” She glanced around to find what he was seeing, “Where?”

“There,” he pointed, “The brightest one.”

He was acutely aware of her closeness as she leaned closer to follow her gaze up his arm to where he pointed. “That’s Venus?! Holy shit! I always thought the North Star was suppose to be the brightest. Polaris?”

“Polaris is the LARGEST star in the sky. Sirius is the brightest STAR, but Venus is the brightest celestial body other than the moon.”

“And you said you weren’t as scientifically minded as me. You’re schooling me in astronomy!”

He adjusted his hat, “Isidro was quite knowledgeable about the night sky. I learned a lot from him.”

“No kiddin’?!” Gail slipped her hands into her coat pockets as they continued into a corridor formed by two hedges. The air was rather chill for a summer night. “Was Isidro an astronomer?”

“He was a man of science. Though, he began as a lowly manservant, my grandmother noticed his competence in MANY things and appointed him the castle butler. He was one of very few who cared much at all for me…perhaps through pity…but after the passing of my grandmother, it became apparent that his loyalties lied with me as opposed to my father. I had long recognized his proclivity for knowledge of the natural world, and after ridding the castellany of my father, I made him my researcher.”

“Hm!” She shrugged, “Guess it goes to show talent can come from anywhere. Ya know…almost everything I know about engineering, I learned from-“

Gail jumped at the loud howl that emanated from the corner just ahead. That howl was joined by several others around them in various parts of the garden labyrinth.

“Don’t worry,” Ramon smiled, “They’re merely saying hello.”

She gave a light chuckle before the nearest wolf rounded the corner ahead of them, tail wagging and trotting up happily. The mannerisms clashed strangely with the absurdly massive teeth that created an overbite and couldn’t even BEGIN to be covered by its upper lip.

“Arturo!” Ramon knelt, and the large canine was at right about eye level with him.

Gail grinned as Arturo greeted his little master, Ramon’s fingers buried in the magnificent beast’s mane. He laughed as it lapped at his cheek with a freakishly long tongue. She heard rustling from behind her as another wolf came bounding toward them, ignoring her, and joining the other to greet Ramon.

“Azùcar! ¡Hola mis queridos!” His hat fell to the ground as he buried his face in fur, arms hugging the necks of the two animals.

Ramon finally turned to Gail, beckoning with a hand, “Come! They are quite docile when I am here.”

She sat on her knees next to him, slightly taller then the massive creatures, but they appeared no less intimidating. “Those are SOME chompers! I’m lucky I didn’t get a chunk taken out of my calf!” She chuckled, cautiously giving Azùcar’s head a scratch, “Not that I couldn’t have grown it back, but I’d’a been out of commission for a good while longer.”

“They’re incredible creatures!” Ramon scratched Arturo’s fluffy cheeks, “They’ve been some of my closest comrades since I was a boy,” he turned to Gail, “I suppose misunderstood creatures recognize each other.”

She smiled warmly, “They often do.”

He caught her gaze and felt his face grow hot. In these past days, he had come to the begrudging conclusion that he was undeniably and irrevocably attracted to her. He had even allowed himself in more than one moment of weakness to consider a future attempt at courting her. But he was good at burying such feelings, and that’s what he did. Even if by some miracle she reciprocated, it would only serve to complicate things. Lord Saddler had barely let him keep her; he certainly wouldn’t approve of such a relationship with an outsider.

“I have snakes at home.”

Ramon was shaken again from his nagging thoughts. “Ah. So you weren’t lying when you said you liked snakes.”

“I would never lie about snakes,” she mocked seriousness, “You’ve seen my tattoo. That’s my carpet python, Beans. I’ve had him since I left mom and dad’s. Mom would never let me have one as a kid. She HATES snakes.”

Ramon stood and led them around the next corner, the wolves running ahead of them, “I’ve had a fascination with animals of all kinds since before I can remember. Once when I was young, I hid a collection of toads in my chamberpot.”

Gail erupted in laughter, “Oh my GOD! I hope you didn’t forget and try to use it!”

“Oh, Pesanta found them LONG before that could happen. She was quite cross with me…” The smirk on his face made it clear that he was not at all sorry.

“I used to catch all kinds of little animals too. I’d bring them in, keep em in a little box for a bit… But, I learned pretty quickly it was best to let them go.”

Ramon’s fingers clenched loosely in Arturo’s fur, who had circled back to walk next to him. Gail noticed the troubled look cross his features again, and after waiting several seconds, she had just opened her mouth to say something when Ramon finally spoke.

“You should retire for the night. It has been a long day, and I do have business to tend to.”

Gail’s brow twitched slightly at the sudden change in tone, but she didn’t argue. “Okay…” she nodded, “I guess I’ll, uh…I’ll see ya tomorrow.”

Ramon felt a pang of guilt for sounding so dismissive, and he looked to her with a gentle smile, “Yes, mi querida. I look forward to it.”

The smile she returned left him with the most bittersweet ache in his chest as he watched her round the corner from where they had come. He wasn’t certain how long he might have stood there to agonize over all of his new worries had Gail not called from a couple of hedges over.

“Hey, uh, Ramon?”

“Yes?”

“I don’t know where I’m going.”

He gave a start before running in her direction.

~*~*~*~

Finally back in her room, Gail removed her bodice and skirts, lying them neatly folded on one of the chests of drawers. She knew that something about what she had told Ramon had really bothered him, and she hoped it hadn’t changed her standing with him.

She settled herself into her pallet before almost immediately scrambling to get up with a loud yelp as a sharp sting shot through her foot. It took her a moment to steady herself, throbbing pain pulsing at her heal.

“The FUCK?!” She grabbed the sheets and ripped the blanket away. Coiling around itself in agitation was a mid-sized snake. “Dammit! What are YOU doing here?!”

The snake prepared to strike again if need be with a warning hiss, and Gail spotted a short two-by-four propped against the opposite wall. With some persistence, she was able to use it to coax the reptile to exit the door and slither outside. That would just have to be someone else’s problem. Good thing no one in this castle would be extremely susceptible to a snake bite. Though she did hope it wasn’t EXTREMELY venomous. That would still be a bitch to recover from.

The bleeding stopped quickly, but it left her feeling feverish. She plopped back into bed. Nothing to do except sleep it off.

This didn’t come easy, though, as her fevered state made for a restless night. She slipped in and out of consciousness, each time, dozing off to a new bewildering dream about snakes.

Spanish translation:

¡Hola mis queridos! - Hello, my dears!

[fallowhearth]

Over the past week I've been consuming probably dangerous amounts of Reddit relationships, advice, and aita posts. In my defence I've been very sick and needed the content equivalent of pablum to keep me entertained. I've approached it both as a drama hog and as voyeurism into 'normie' culture. Some of my best friends are straight (:P) but they're also people who are a bit outside of the typical norms of straight society. So my view into the lives of the average Joe and Jane Suburban is fairly limited.

One interesting thing I noticed is the consensus about cheating on reddit is completely alien to my own intuitions and also to my life as a queer person. They as a group have settled on a bunch of baseline assumptions that are strange.

They seem to be in agreement that cheating is about opportunity: This one usually rears it's head as lukewarm justification for socially acceptable levels for controlling behaviour. It seems they agree its reasonable to ask your partner to scrub evidence of previous partners from their life: this indicates respect apparently. So, no exes in the Facebook friend list. They also agree its dangerous for people in relationships to have close friends of their preferred gender, to go to parties, to travel without their partner, etc.

The main thing I don't really get about this is that people who want to cheat are very good at creating their own opportunities and seem to have no trouble doing this, without their partner knowing. The flipside, is that all these opportunity-creating activities seem very normal and like things people do all the time without inadvertently having extramarital sex with each other. It seems to be implicitly accepting the cheaters' narrative; that they slipped and fell genitals-first onto another person and it spiralled from there. Obviously in this logic, if you keep your partner indoors and away from tripping hazards and nearby randos, they won't cheat. I don't think it works like that.

The exes thing is also weird. My intuition is that exes are the people least appealing as affair partners. Those two people have already discovered all the things they hate about each other. They are exes. A ban on exes would also be socially untenable as a queer person.

The actual roots of this assumption seem pretty clear. It sounds like an exhausting way to live. Moving on.

Redditors have largely adopted the party line that cheating is about trust rather than sex per se. But then they really seem to fixate on the sex. It seems accepted as normal to be having intrusive thoughts about your cheating partner engaging in sex acts with other people, to feel disgusted at the idea of the parts of your partner you 'own' being viewed by someone else, etc. Lots of ideas about sex being uniquely shameful or sacred. Not too out there culturally but somewhat in opposition to redditors' self-image as rational, enlightened and progressive.

This one is weird to me on a personal level but is maybe normal on a social level. I mean, I've been cheated on, and the actual details didn't really bother me. It seemed very much the same category of experience as platonic trust breaking from friends, family, colleagues, etc. To me the sex did not signify. (I'd also argue that the drama and life-ruination potential of a queerly platonic female friendship breakdown is far in excess of anything that can be achieved by people who are actually fucking.) It also didn't really leave me with trust issues or specific hangups. (On the other hand, previous parenthetical aside.)

But reddit has normalised talking about cheating like it's inherently life ruining and traumatic. Like there's no recovery. It's a bit weird to see 22 year olds posting about how their girlfriend cheating ruined their life forever. Sorry man but that doesn't seem like a sentiment that should be reinforced by a thousand other 22 year olds on reddit. What do I know though.

Anyway that was my week on reddit. I'm still sick but really hoping I find another way to pass the time.

[ahiddenpath]

Japan Trip 2023

I just returned from a two week trip to Japan! I'll be slowly releasing material about it- where I went, my experience, what I purchased, etc. For now, here are the broad strokes beneath the cut!

Itinerary

First we went to Tokyo and stayed in Toyosu, which is close to Odaiba. After that, we moved to a hotel near Shibuya, after which we moved to a hotel in Osaka. From Osaka, we commuted to Kyoto twice and Nara once.

I want to start by saying that I have never been on a vacation like this. It was physically demanding!

Highlights:

-Team Labs Planets in Toyosu

Team Labs is basically... A group sensory experience? I don't want to spoil it in case anyone wants to go, but basically, you and a bunch of strangers enter a series of rooms with sensory stuff going on. People of all ages are encouraged to play, truly play and engage. My husband and I were giggling the whole time. I've never done anything like it, and genuinely, it's making me want to have a serious deep think about what it means to engage and play, and how our senses are connected to that.

-Doing shrine activities that I have researched at Sensou ji

Shrines have featured in several of my fanfics, so I was so pumped to A.) Know what was going on, B.) Have a general idea of what to do, and C.) GET TO DO IT MYSELF!!! I showed my husband how to purify your mouth and hands with the sacred water. We both pulled our fortunes, and because we both got bad fortunes, we tied them to the rack and bowed and clapped our hands to dispel it (not sure if that last part is necessary, I just copied a Japanese person). The line to pray was long, and I was fretting over praying correctly... And then someone got tired of waiting and CHUCKED THEIR OFFERING MONEY OVER THE CROWD and into the giant offering bin. My husband said, "I maybe wouldn't worry so much," lol! I also bought some shrine charms!!!!!

-Wandering Odaiba

I was upset because our plane to Japan was delayed five hours, meaning I lost time in Odaiba... But I still hit some highlights! I really wanted to see the gazebo and Akemi Bridge, for example. I also saw the Rainbow Bridge, the Statue of Liberty replica, Fuji Station, Diver City, Aqua City, and Tokyo Big Site. I really wanted to check out the apartments where the Chosen live, like Odaiba Kaihin Koen, but there just wasn't time. I didn't really get a sense of the layout of the place, either :/

-Diver City and Gundam Base

I'm not particularly a Gundam fan, but the 1:1 Gundam outside of Diver City on Odaiba???? As if it existing wasn't cool enough, it LIGHTS UP does a SHOW??? According to Google, "It undergoes a transformation four times a day (at 11am, 1pm, 3pm and 5pm) into 'destroy mode'; light shows take place on the half-hour between 7pm and 9.30pm"

THE NIGHT SHOW WAS AMAZING! It plays music and projects visuals from Gundam Unicorn onto Diver City, all while the Gundam lights up and physically shifts between its two forms. And it does it all autonomously!

For scale, I am 5'8". I did not go up to its ankle.

-Tokyo Disney Sea

My husband and I love theme parks, and so does Japan! We were in Japan for two weeks, so we opted to only visit one park, the one that cannot be found anywhere else: Tokyo Disney Sea. This park is themed around exploration, and has rides found nowhere else, like Journey to the Center of the Earth and 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea. It also has a truly kickass Little Mermaid section for wee kiddos.

I admit that, because we knew we may never come back, we did the bougie thing of paying to skip lines to experience the most popular rides. Our crowd level was 2/5, and still, the park was JAM PACKED. There were waits of 180 minutes for some rides, so this was the only way to see most (but still not all!) of what we hoped to see. If you're ever planning to go but don't have much time to dedicate to it, I would keep that in mind.

-Seeing Kabukicho and having the best alcohol of my life at Golden Gai

Kabukicho is the main setting of LAD (Like a Dragon), a popular video game series about the Yakuza. And I saw it with my own two eyeballs! We arrived at about 7 PM, way before the nightlife crowd, but that does mean I was able to peek around in peace and have table space at the microscopic bars in Golden Gai. I had the best alcoholic drink of my life, a dessert umeshu, at the Blue Dragon.

One thing to note about Kabukicho, if you ever plan to go. It's a red light district. Sex workers and barkers for sex workers line the streets (don't take your kids here!!!!). Automated messages play in English, warning tourists not to trust touts. Touts are apparently different from barkers. Barkers stand outside of their venue and say stuff like, "Come in and meet our girls," etc. Touts promise you free drinks and will half physically pull you into their establishment. There have been cases of them drugging those "free" drinks and then charging their victim thousands of dollars.

Kabukicho was the only place in Japan where I was nervous, safety wise. Just keep walking if someone tries to get you to go somewhere.

-Nakano Broadway

Nakano Broadway is a giant ass nerd mall in Nakano, a special ward west of Shinjuku, that is mostly owned or rented by Mandarake. Mandarake is a chain of second hand stores for nerd shit (anime merch, collectibles, vintage toys, ball jointed dolls, idol merch, etc). I found most of my digimon stuff here. There are a ton of Mandarakes spread throughout Japan, but the others that I visited were mostly too crowded, packed, and hot for me to browse.

Nakano was like a dream. Most of the stores I wanted to visit were several train rides apart, and each station had several flights of stairs and little to no AC. Nakano had dozens of cool stores in THE SAME WELL AIR CONDITIONED BUILDING, with two bathrooms per floor. The opportunity to hang out for hours in a single comfortable place was enough to make me cry in gratitude. I'm not kidding. This is not hyperbole.

Now, as a warning, it helps to be able to read Japanese in these stores. Most directional signs in Japan are written in Japanese and English, but store directories and labels often are Japanese only. My husband can read well and speak decently, so he was able to navigate stores and read the organizational labels on the jam packed shelves.

Nakano Broadway is also a main setting for Digimon Cyber Sleuth!

-Konansou Ryokan at Kawaguchi

So we wanted to book a ryokan, or traditional inn, at Hakone, home of some of the most luxurious inns around. Unfortunately, you need to book those at least three months in advance to get a room, so we ended up in Kawaguchi, a popular getaway for Tokyo folks located near Mt. Fuji, which is called Fuji-san in Japan.

This is easily the most luxurious thing I have experienced in my entire life.

The room was a gorgeous suite with a HUGE outdoor bath facing Mt. Fuji. It had a genkan and an entry with sliding doors to the living area, bedroom, and bath area. The floors were tatami, and guests were provided with yukatas and a lounge set. The dinner was indescribably fancy, and was delivered straight to our room.

Our only regret is that we only spared one night for the ryokan. The time passed like blinking. I truly hope to stay in a ryokan again someday!

Also, Kawaguchi was my favorite area of Japan that we visited, for its beauty and relative calm, crowd wise. I am not a city person, so that tracks.

-Dotonbori

Look, Dotonbori was crowded AF, especially on Sunday. But it's a delight to the senses at night. LOOK AT THIS STUFF, ISN'T IT NEAT?!

Absolutely try to look up "walk with me" videos in Dotonbori at night. The signs! The lights! The competing street performers! The FOOD!

-Osaka Aquarium

I met two whale sharks! WHALE SHARK!!!! WHALE!!!! SHARK!!!!!

-Todai-ji Daibutsuden (Hall of the Giant Buddha) and Nara Deer in Nara

Nara was a daytrip for us, about 40 min away from Osaka in practice, but functionally longer, at least for us, lol. Okay so like- The giant Buddha? It was. GIANT. Like... house size. Like... utterly jaw dropping.

And the Nara deer were so cute! They were EVERYWHERE! They will bow if you show them a deer cracker/senbei. Just be careful and only offer it to a deer that is alone, and don't let them see the senbei before you are ready to interact with them. The deer can be aggressive, especially in colder months.

Interacting with them was truly some Disney princess shit, it's incredible. I also enjoyed walking around Nara a lot, it feels much more friendly to me than the cities. Also, this is where the most locals talked to me of their own volition, even though we were only there for a few hours. Like literally, in those few hours, more people approached me than almost two weeks combined in Tokyo, Osaka, and Kyoto.

-Ikebana classes at Kinse Inn in Kyoto

Yes, I took an ikebana class. Yes, it was mostly for Puits d'Amour. I had an absolutely lovely time, I enjoyed the hell out of it. The lessons were given by an American living with her Japanese husband, whose aunt welcomed her into her ikebana school. Learning her story and meeting her family was awesome, and I also loved hearing about how her husband re-opened the gorgeous inn (seriously, it's beautiful, check out the website) after it sat in disuse for a generation between her husband's grandparents and her husband.

I truly cannot express how much this experience meant to me. I am going to try ikebana at home, too! Check out this freestyle arrangement I made!

Is it good? No idea! Do I love it? YES!

-The entire final day in Kyoto (Fushimi Inari, Gion/Sannenzaka, Kiyomizu-dera)

OKAY RAPID FIRE!

Fushimi Inari is a Shinto Shrine! It features hundreds of red gates going up a hill (mountain?). It's some straight up Ghibli shit! It's magical! The way the trees surround and embrace the gates is stunning, I wish I had good pictures, but they are full of tourists (it was crowded). Definitely look it up on YT if you're interested! I've never seen anything like it and never will again! I also hung my ema, or wishing plaque, with the wishes of hundreds of other visitors, which is something I dreamed of doing. It was shaped like a fox head!

The Gion/Sannenzaka shopping area was gorgeous omg!!!

And of course, the famous Kiyomizu-dera shrine among the trees is beyond compare! I also had a group of young Japanese ladies in kimonos ask me to take their picture, which was so fun!!!! People rarely talked to me in Japan- I always forget how uncommonly friendly Americans are- so this made me so happy!

-The Food

Japan has incredible food! The ramen, okonomiyaki, and taiyaki were my faves. I also really enjoyed MOS Burger, it was way better than any fast food I've had in the states, which annoys me so much lol! It was piping hot and was made with real gouda cheese, not the gross yellow American cheese that tastes like plastic that all the fast food places use here. And the ryokan meal was an experience like no other.

The bad part is that I could barely eat in Japan, as I'll expand on below.

Rough Spots:

-The heat

Tokyo gets hot, and a lot of the old buildings simply don't have adequate AC. In fact, as I understand, central heating and cooling are kind of an American thing? Add the immense crowds and high lighting in stores, and you've got a recipe for disaster.

Normally, in late September/early October, temps are historically in the low 70sF. It was 80-90F all but one day of this trip, with high humidity and sun. The good news: no rain and no typhoons (my BIL went a few weeks before us and lost a day and a half to a typhoon!). The bad news...

I have never sweat like that in my life. It rolled off my body and onto the pavement. On the 90F day, I took THREE showers, because I could tell my husband and I stank. I promise, this isn't normal for us, lol! I nearly fainted a few times, especially on the Akihabara day.

It's just, everywhere we went, we usually had to go to several train stations, all with a few flights of stairs and a lot of walking involved. We were walking at a brisk pace all day for two weeks, from 9 AM to 9 PM ish, in the blistering heat, with no real AC relief (except for Osaka. For some reason, the AC seemed to work better in Osaka? Maybe it's just comparatively less crowded than Tokyo?). And like- god almighty, standing on those packed trains with your face in some stranger's armpit, with a stranger's face in YOUR armpit...!

Most days, we were only able to eat one meal, and even then, we were forcing ourselves to do it because... You know... Humans need food. I would be shocked if I didn't shed weight this trip. Something about being that hot made us unable to eat.

-The crowds

I have a low stimulus threshold, and the press of all three cities (Tokyo, Osaka, Kyoto), but Tokyo most of all, was absolutely bonkers unbelievable holy shit. If you make a wrong move, which is common for tourists in the subways, you're going to cause a collision. There were whole areas of Tokyo where I could not see any of the stuff I came to see. I saw people smushed against windows in trains, with their palms adhered to the glass.

It was an actual nightmare. I don't know how else to say it.

-The laundry fiasco

We had a two week trip. We took a week's worth of clothing each and chose a hotel with a washer/dryer for the mid point of the trip. Most Japanese people, as I understand, hang dry their clothing. The washer/dryer in the hotel was a combo unit that could not fit a whole load. We were also forced to use their auto detergent, and as I've mentioned, we were sweating like pigs in hell.

And the dryer didn't dry the clothes.

My husband spent FIVE HOURS trying to get space in the four machines to rerun our clothes. Some of our things were dried FIVE TIMES and STILL CAME OUT WET, and the detergent wasn't strong enough to handle our western sweat glands in "hey you might actually die" mode.

There's no nice way to put this: our clothes did not get cleaned, and we spent an entire evening on this. Worse yet, we did our clothes the day before shipping off our luggage to the next hotel, meaning we did not have extra nights to air them out.

My advice for anyone visiting Japan is to find a hotel with a nearby laundromat. The ones we passed had impressive-looking machines with separate washers and dryers, not that tiny combo disgrace.

I don't want to talk about this any more, lol!

-Akihabara

Akihabara is a nerd area of Tokyo, with a high concentration of anime/video games/ball jointed doll/entertainment merchandise. Anime characters line the buildings, anime music plays everywhere. This was one of the places I was most excited for. I brought my backpack to carry my inevitable purchases.

I bought four items, and three of those were from the spacious Volks doll store. Most of the stores were so packed with people and merchandise that I could not see a damned thing. The crowds, heat, humidity, lack of AC, and the harsh display lighting made the stores indescribably hot. This was the day I nearly passed out a few times. I ended up almost crying on the street by about 5 PM.

I should tell you that I loved the Radio Kaikan building, which had a ton of great stores in it, was big enough to almost accommodate the crowds, at least comparatively, and had proper AC somehow. I also liked the Eorzea Final Fantasy XIV cafe, although I needed my earplugs because of how loud it was.

Everything else? An actual level of hell. Denden town in Osaka was similar, but had proper AC and was large enough to actually see what you are shopping for. I am not exaggerating, you cannot turn around in the aisles at most Akihabara stores, and they are packed solid with shoppers.

-Japan hours

Don't ask me why, but most businesses in Japan don't open until 11 AM. Like literally, I'd be looking for coffee and have trouble finding it before that time. Even breakfast opens late??? Japanese stores are also off on random days, and often restaurants close in between meals, meaning if you don't eat at noon, you might not be able to find a full meal until 6 PM (although you can always get a snack at a conbini). We had to schedule our days around certain closures, etc.

This is fantastic for people who work with customers in Japan, everyone should have adequate time off. But damn it's hard to deal with as an American on a tight vacation schedule. In the states, most businesses are open every day from like 6 AM to 10 PM, or 10 AM to 8 PM at least. We missed out on a few things because of this.

-Other Tourists

Japan attracts a ton of tourists, and as I've mentioned, its cities are DENSE. Think of common obnoxious tourists. Now multiply their numbers by 1,000 at least. Now cram them into an already crowded local population.

It's bad. Real bad. I got bodily shoved aside so many times that I finally cracked and began shoving back. It was always tourists, at least judging by the languages they spoke.

-That one creep with the camera

So. There are a few signs in public transit showing a man sticking a phone under a lady's skirt saying basically, "Do not take unwanted photos."

So yeah. I saw a guy doing that. Absolutely repulsive. This isn't a Japan specific thing, of course, but they apparently know it's an issue.

-My own anxiety about fitting in at Japan

So, part of my problem with the heat is that I dressed, to the best of my ability, according to Japanese sensibilities, as informed by interviews with Japanese people I found on YT. And they were correct: Japanese women rarely show their legs, and even less so their bust and tush areas. They wear long sleeves and pants in 90F weather. Maxi dresses and long jumpers are also in. Anything flowy, long, and oversized.

Do you see where I'm taking this? My dumb ass didn't bring short sleeved shirts or shorts. I tried to buy them at Uniqlo and H&M. They were not in stock. Not a single pair of shorts. I was forced to buy what I suspect are men's lounge shorts from the clearance section, they literally had ONE pair. I did manage to find a t-shirt, too. I wore those shorts more times than I care to admit.

So yeah, maybe only 10% of ladies wear shorts on a hot day, and a lot of them are foreigners, but do you know what is nice? Not fainting from the heat.

Also, there are a lot of behaviors that are considered okay in America and not okay in Japan. I watched a ton of videos and really stressed out over behaving as properly as I could. And guess what? Within a day, I saw people speaking Japanese do all of those forbidden things, like drinking and eating while walking, talking on the train, and so on.

If you do go, try to be respectful and informed, but please don't feel anxiety/fear over it. Just say "sumimasen" if you think you made a mistake, the locals will get it.

I have so much more to say about the trip, but that is all the brain juice I have right now! Take care!

[nohrslittleflower]

magic hc ramblings this is what happens when my service provider decides to kill my wifi/cellular connection right as I was about to do my drafts

So every time I have to write some sort of magic for Elise— usually healing (which happens a lot since she’s. A healer unit. So.)— I default to just saying she uses her staff to do it because that’s just how it works in Fates. But when someone in Three Houses used healing magic, their animations don’t have any sort of staff, just waving their hands around and also flying sometimes(???). Which then got me thinking about how magic might work for Elise with her still using her staff even while in Fodlan and well here we are.

So if I remember correctly from I don’t remember where (no internet access my beloathed), I believe reason magic is supposed to be some sort of math, while faith magic is based on belief. I have no idea what dark magic is but that’s irrelevant to me right now so who cares. This makes sense in the academy setting of Three Houses, because obviously you’re going to be learning math in school. And Garreg Mach is obviously a religious school given its at a monastery and there’s literally a giant cathedral right there occupied by the main church branch.

I don’t know a lot about that sort of schooling personally, but judging by the experiences I’ve heard from someone I know who went to a very intensely religious school, learning about the religion was like 90% of what they did so that also lines up. Along with that, they had ‘days off’ from school so they could go to church (even though the school itself was a church so they basically just went to church anyway), which to me sounds just like what seems to be happening on certain calendar days in Three Houses.

So reason magic being math and faith magic being like Bible study or whatever seems to line up curriculum-wise, so I assume that has to be right. And if that’s right, magic can’t vary too much between games, especially from Fates since Fates is basically the newest game before Three Houses (not counting Shadows of Valentia). So Fateslandia general magic (magic scrolls/books) must be a sort of math as well, and faith should be connected to belief as well.

I’m assuming the reason nobody uses tombs in Fodlan would just be because they’ve memorized all the equations, while in other games they’d carry around their books as reference. Like a closed book vs open book test, but every day and also if you get a question wrong you die or something.

But like what even is a staff. How does it run out it’s a stick. In fates you had to equip different staves to do different things, but in Three Houses they’re held items that boost magic stats. Staffs in Nohr are especially weird name-wise, where Hoshido has names for them like ‘Sun Festal’ or ‘Bloom Festal’ (lot of ‘festals’). Then Nohr is just. ‘Heal’. ‘Mend’. ‘Psychic’. This leads me to believe that Hoshidan staves are more sacred and connected to their faith in their religions, while Nohrian staves are more mass-produced as a means to an end. Which sounds pretty Nohr honestly and probably explains why they’d run out after a while— they’re likely pre-charged with magic, and not something the user manifests themselves in most cases. I don’t know what’s up with Hoshido but I’m a Nohr mun I don’t need to know I’m not touching that

Though in Elise’s case, her staff in Heroes and Fates is called ‘Elise’s Staff’ and doesn’t break/run out (as far as I remember but I still can’t check), so it’s definitely not some mass-produced staff. Instead, it’s probably more like a Fodlan staff made especially for her, meaning that it amplifies the magic that is coming from her. This would also explain why it’s weaker than something like psychic (which it basically operates the same as), which was probably created and given it’s magic by someone extremely proficient in magic, compared to Elise who’s still learning.

Lastly, I don’t actually think her faith magic comes from any faith in the goddess (obviously, she doesn’t know who that is), or any divine dragon. Even though that seems to be the main connection between what makes someone good or bad at it in Three Houses (those who deeply believing in the goddess having a faith boon, and those who openly reject her having a faith bane), it doesn’t seem like that’s the only way faith magic can happen. When Dorothea (I think) asks to switch to learning faith despite being bad at it, she says something like “I don’t believe in the goddess, but I believe in you”. Which implies faith magic actually comes from a general belief in something, not just religious.

This would mean Elise gets her healing magic from believing in people and while that’s not really important or relevant it’s really cute Elise I love you so much

[revlyncox]

La Befana: A New Year's Sermon

“La Befana” is a folk story from Italy about someone who decides belatedly to follow the three wise men, and explores how a journey into mystery brings transformation. We experience in this story inspiration for embracing the journey, creating, and finding the sacred in each person and in each moment. This sermon was presented to The Unitarian Society in East Brunswick by Rev. Lyn Cox on December 31, 2023.

For some of us, this week at the end of the calendar year is a time of wandering. Some of us wander to reunite with loved ones, or to get a taste of home, or to answer the call to adventure. Some journey out of necessity, toward trouble that needs attention, or to offer care, or because of a life change. And some are rooted in place geographically, but remain explorers of the mind and heart during this liminal time. 

Not all of us wander. Some are finding meaning in the here and now. For those who celebrate Kwanzaa, this week offers a time-out-of-time to return to family and community and values. For those whose internal calendar is rooted in a non-Western faith or culture or in the natural world, today and tomorrow may be regular days in the flow of time. And for those who find peace in mindfulness, being in the present moment may be of greater value than reviewing the year that’s past or projecting into the year ahead.

Today and every day offers its own opportunities for our spiritual and ethical lives, and each one of us will approach that in our own way. It is never too late to make the most of this very moment. Which leads me to today’s wisdom story about La Befana. [Earlier in the service, we heard Tomie dePaola’s version. You may enjoy learning more about La Befana on JSTOR or on sites exploring Italian culture.]

In the Italian legend of La Befana, an old woman is busy with her sweeping and her baking when she is surprised by the arrival of the Three Magi, the wise men who are mentioned in the Book of Matthew. In some versions of the story, Befana gives them shelter for the night; but in all versions, she initially declines to go with them. She changes her mind later and sets off with her broom and her basket of cookies and candies, but she doesn’t catch up to the Magi. Somehow, maybe because of angels or maybe because of her own magic or maybe just because, La Befana is able to fly around on her broomstick on Epiphany, January 6, to bring good things to children all over Italy, and she might do some sweeping up in each house while she is there.  

Whether we need more candy and cookies in our house right now or not, this whimsical tale offers some insight for us during this liminal time. La Befana teaches us that, as important as our daily routines may be, there are times that call for change, and that it’s never too late to let go and embrace the journey. In the story, La Befana is well known for the smell of her baking. When she is ready to share her gifts, she knows what that looks like. For us, discerning our gifts might not be as obvious, but there is always something we can do–something we can create or put love into–that will help us to leave our community more beautiful or more beneficial than we inherited it. La Befana doesn’t find the baby Jesus. What she does instead is to honor each child she encounters. She doesn’t need to find someone or somewhere exotic or mythic or exceptional in order to live out her mission. Her story reminds us to find meaning or to find the sacred wherever we find ourselves. Embrace the journey. Create. Find the sacred right here. 

Embrace the Journey

In the story of La Befana, she decides to go on her search after the Magi have moved on. She had to let go of her housework, even though keeping a neat house was one of the pillars of her identity. Maybe she had to let go of some ideas about whether older women should go out on magical adventures. She decided to leave even when she wasn’t sure which way she was going. And even if she didn’t find what she initially thought she was looking for, her journey took on additional meaning. She wasn’t too late. She was right on time to bring generosity and care to children beyond her own village. 

I am reminded of another wanderer, someone New Jersey Universalists remember with particular fondness: John Murray. John Murray was a preacher from the British Isles. Some time in the 1760s, he was converted from being a Methodist preacher to being a Universalist one, following the teachings of James Relly. As Peter Hughes writes in the Dictionary of Unitarian and Universalist Biography:

“There followed a period in which Murray experienced a series of personal losses that drove him to the brink of despair. His only son died in infancy. His wife also died and, soon after that, he learned of the deaths of four of his siblings. He was thrown into debtor’s prison. Although he was rescued by his brother-in-law and eventually paid his debts, he remained too depressed to engage in the preaching that Relly urged upon him. At that time he wished “to pass through life, unheard, unseen, unknown to all, as though I ne’er had been.” In 1770 he resolved to quit his life in the old world and start afresh in the new.”

Many of you already know what happened next. On the way to New York, the ship that John Murray was sailing on, called the Hand-in-hand, got stuck on a sandbar off the coast of Good Luck, New Jersey. The captain sent Murray along with some others to shore in a smaller boat in search of supplies, and this is how Murray met Thomas Potter. Potter had built a chapel on his property where they could hold services with wandering preachers. According to Hughes, Potter was connected with Rogerine Baptists, who had a different kind of Universalist theology, so there was a receptive group waiting for Murray. When Potter found out that Murray had been a preacher, he invited him to speak in his chapel. Murray initially refused, as he had been planning to leave the preaching life behind in the new world. But Murray agreed to preach if the wind did not change and the ship was still stuck on Sunday. The wind cooperated with Potter, and with the future of Universalism in America. The wind did not change until after John Murray gave his sermon. 

Murray got back on the ship for New York, but he did visit New Jersey on his travels after that, as part of his renewed sense of mission for evangelizing in America. He eventually led a Universalist church in Gloucester, Massachusetts, from 1779 to 1794, and then the First Universalist Church in Boston from 1785 until his death in 1815. Though he wasn’t technically the first Universalist preacher in North America, John Murray was an important organizer in American Universalism, and our movement would not be the same if he had not decided to embrace the journey. 

[Hughes, P., “Murray, John,” August 28, 2012, Dictionary of Unitarian and Universalist Biography, an on-line resource of the Unitarian Universalist Studies Network. The Dictionary of Unitarian and Universalist Biography is funded by UU Studies Network membership dues and donations.]

Both La Befana and John Murray had reasons to be reluctant to embrace the journey. John Murray had known deep grief. There are some hints in the story that La Befana had also known grief, that perhaps she had once had a family of her own who are missing from the story. Murray had tried to get started in life a few different ways, and had met failures even before his marriage and conversion to Universalism. Neither the mythic La Befana nor John Murray in 1770 were particularly young; if you think of adventure as something that only happens in coming-of-age stories or to young people first heading out to seek their fortunes, neither story fits that pattern. None of that mattered. 

We are all on a journey. Not every journey ranges across an ocean or into the sky on a broom, but each one of us makes choices to keep going. We each make decisions every day, and try to align as closely with our values as we can in those decisions. Occasionally, we are presented with a choice that asks us to let go–let go of certainty, to let go of our regular routines, to let go of keeping disappointment and grief at the center, to let go of the limitations of who we think we are–in order to connect with something larger than ourselves. 

Nancy Shaffer, my friend and colleague of blessed memory, wrote: 

Where were you when you heard that

calling voice, and how, in that moment,

did you mark it? How, ever after,

are you changed?

Tell us, please, all you can about that voice. Teach us how to listen, how to hear.

Teach us all you can of saying Yes.

[Nancy’s second book, While Still There Is Light, is available at the UUA Bookstore. Her first book, Instructions In Joy, from which this poem is quoted, appears to be out of print, but is available as an Ebook.]

In the coming year, if you are presented with a choice to become more fully and authentically yourself, or a choice to try something new in order to live your values, a choice to honor your grief by answering the call to life, remember John Murray and remember La Befana. Embrace the journey, and then return here to “teach us all you can of saying Yes.”

Create

Your “yes” might come in the form of some kind of creation. The act of creation doesn’t have to be technically perfect, it just has to be a way to put more love in the world. This is the second insight from the story of La Befana: make something with love that lifts others up. Ideally, it lifts you up, too. When you share your own unique spark, it energizes you as well as showing care for others. 

I am reminded of the principle of Kuumba, one of the seven principles of Kwanzaa. While Kwanzaa is not mine to celebrate personally, I admire the values, joy, and excellence that goes into preparing Kwanzaa celebrations and I appreciate the meaning it brings to those who celebrate. If I understand correctly, Kuumba is translated as creativity, and the invitation is “To do always as much as we can, in the way we can, in order to leave our community more beautiful and beneficial than we inherited it.”

This is part of what I think Howard Thurman meant in “The Work of Christmas.”

When the song of angels is stilled,

When the star in the sky is gone,

When the kings and princes are home,

When the shepherds are back with their flock,

The work of Christmas begins:

to find the lost,

to heal the broken, 

to feed the hungry,

to release the prisoner,

to rebuild the nations,

to bring peace among the brothers,

to make music in the heart.

Howard Thurman was an African-American scholar and theologian in the early to mid-twentieth century. To be clear, he was not a Unitarian Universalist, but he did teach and inspire progressive faith leaders, including Unitarian Universalists, and is still influential as we consider what it means to ask deep questions about who we are, who we want to be, and what it means to hold the inherent worth of every person as sacred. 

In “The Work of Christmas,” Thurman makes it clear that the spirit of peace and justice that we sing about in December is meant to be our everyday guide. In the words we choose, in our way of relating to one another, we “make music in the heart.” Thurman asks us to be creative in such a way that we leave our communities better than we found them. 

Making “music in the heart” is for all of us, not only virtuoso musicians. We can start where we are. No single one of us can rebuild the nations alone, but together we might find ways to release the prisoner or to bring peace among the siblings of humanity. We don’t need to be superstar chefs to help feed our neighbors. 

La Befana baked every day before she turned her attention toward all of the children she encountered in her search for the baby Jesus. I wonder if she knew what a good baker she was, or if she valued the talent she practiced every day. She swept her house and her walkway fastidiously. It was a daily practice. What daily practices might we already have available to us as we create with love to make our communities better? Let us channel our gifts as accomplices and co-conspirators with the Spirit of Life. 

Find the Sacred Right Here

A third insight from La Befana is that what is sacred and/or meaningful is all around us and among us and within us right now. We can find meaning in the place and time where and when we find ourselves. It may be that we find inspiration on the far edges of our journeys, but we don’t need to wait for a multitude of the heavenly host to notice what is special and miraculous and already part of our lives. 

This is the part that, for me, makes La Befana a wisdom story and not just a folk tale. She turns her attention to every child. The story suggests that she leaves a gift for every child, just in case this is the child she set out to find, but I think someone who is clever enough to bake and to fly would figure out pretty quickly that Jesus was somewhere else, but the children right in front of her are special all on their own. As our choir sang on Christmas eve using the words of Sophia Lyon Fahs, each night a child is born is a holy night. We can find the sacred all around us and among us. 

In some versions of the story, La Befana sweeps up around the house before she moves on. Don’t try to peek at her, or you’ll get a thump from her broom! The sweeping might be symbolic of sweeping out the old year, clearing space for what is to come. Whether or not you classify her as a witch, this is a little bit of a magical ritual. Clear the space, set your intention, and find meaning in something that might otherwise seem to be an everyday activity. 

Today’s musician, Lea Morris, sang about finding the sacred and creating meaning in her song, “Ordinary Magic.” In case you missed it in the Prelude, we are planning to play it again as the Postlude, or you can find it on YouTube. Lea says that ordinary magic includes “wind chimes, a child’s song, the whisper of wind in the leaves; the moonlight, the wide-open arms of a sycamore tree.” 

Gratitude leads us to find the transcendent in the imminent. The love that is ours to give is a meaningful thread in the fabric of the universe. The beauty that we have the opportunity to behold reminds us that this is a world worth saving. 

Conclusion

We have opportunities to find meaning and magic in each moment. This is always true, and we may be able to notice those opportunities more during this in-between time as we prepare to turn the page on the calendar. When a chance comes up to live into our values, let’s let go of the limits of what we have been and embrace the journey. When we take time to connect with our communities, let’s consider how we can share our gifts, how we can share our spark to leave our community more beautiful and better off than we inherited it. Let’s create. When we wander through this world, let’s breathe in with gratitude and breathe out with intention, noticing what is special about each person and each moment. Let’s find the sacred and make meaning right where we are. 

So be it. Blessed be. Amen. 

[muzzlemouths]

for Dead Mall Dare and Taken Under Wing - 📝 - What do you find most challenging when creating this AU?, and 😊 - What do you find the most fun about creating it? - @clxckwork-sun-n-moon

📝 - What do you find most challenging when creating this AU?

Dead Mall Dare Nothing much, so far! Already having a special interest with the 70s has been a big help, but I'm always learning more, and there's obviously areas I'm less familiar with, like the upcoming indoor parkour scene. If anything, though, I'd say the hardest part so far is learning how mall blueprints work lol

Taken Under Wing You'd think the answer would be something more practical, like "figuring out how YN gets around with the blindfold", but I already have that sorted out (the short of that explanation being that I'm somewhat of a freak and once spent a week as a teenager doing everything with a blindfold on because my OC was blind and I wanted a more in-depth feel for the experience).

The most challenging part of this AU is, in reality, how much side-stepping I've been doing to avoid coming off as offensive. Creating a cult from the ground up has been a lot of fun but there's only so many elements I can (innocently) incorporate before I fear someone will tell me it's a sacred part of their real religion. I've been doing my dutiful research, of course, but yeesh does that make the process take a while.

😊 - What do you find the most fun about creating it?

Dead Mall Dare Aside from the fic being one big self indulgent dip into a special interest, I'd say the best part of it so far is how moldable it is. I guess the same can be said for most fics, but there's something about DMD that helps it maintain an ever-changing appearance. I can just decide Sun has flower petals for rays now, and easily come up with a viable excuse for why that is. Several ideas which I had prior to the first chapter have already changed just in the few months I've had the AU, and without it losing any steam, because this AU is a gift that keeps on giving and there is so much flexibility at its roots, which I plan to continue taking full advantage of!

Taken Under Wing Okay I know this is going to contradict everything from the last question, but... creating the cult 😂 Everything from the practices, garments, and symbolisms has its place, and the two certainly-not-gods already have associated details planned out, like the specialties and deity specific offerings. It's been a lot of fun!

Something else to mention is the writing style. I have had a blast writing the first chapter of this au already because I've decided to take a more...enchanting approach (dare I use a more provocative word), which is to say that everything feels a little more personal. If my writing for other AUs is warm soup, then this style is rich, melty chocolate. Each word drawn out to be savored. Not sure how else to describe it beyond that so you're just gonna have to trust me on this one.

Thank you for the questions!!

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