#idk yearning for a 3 am music partner.

[citrinesparkles]

when i say match my freak i mean i need you to feel just pretend [live 2024] by bad omens like it's drugs

[misscammiedawn]

50 Days of HypnoKink - Day 17: Infatuation

Alignment: 60% Top, 40% Bottom. This is one of those ones where the taste was developed through experience and then as I got to see it in others it grew into something I liked doing to trusted partners.

I *adore* the way love makes me feel and I love seeing traces of it in another person. It's just such a rich inner warmth.

I wrote briefly during the musical update about my experiences with suggestions that compelled song. I've had a couple times in my life where "Musical Episodes" were suggested and the feeling is like a welling in the heart that explodes out like a sneeze, unable to be restrained by the body anymore.

That's how musical theatre is described. "When the emotion is too big to be contained by dialogue the character begins to sing."

Why I bring this up now is because it's very much the idea I want to conjure with infatuation spells.

Emotion Control is a tricky mistress to play with because if you push too hard you can start conditioning things which will change who the person is and if we learned anything from my Day 11 post it's that playing with the fiber of someone's being is a risky thing.

But with the right grounding and boundaries prepared, this one is very much in my wheelhouse of "safe and enjoyable" as my Jedi mentor would say.

So the first and obvious one is treating infatuation in the same way as an arousal trigger and given my comments on lip-to-lip contact being my asexual equivalent to sexual contact, feel free to read everything I'm reading here as an emotional analog to arousal control. I just replace "heat" with "adoration/affection/passion/longing" etc.

This one makes a good companion to the kissing suggestion because it's a way of turning the heart and mind against one another. If I have a bratty partner who wants to avoid trance and I am using a kiss based induction, all I need to do is make them swoon and sigh and yearn until their body betrays them and they melt in my arms.

Oh I *love* that one.

When I am in my soft headspace the best application of this is turning me into an absolutely adorable puddle of love and affection or doing a hot/cold on/off thing. Like with a trigger I go from calm and neutral to feeling my heart pouring out of my eyes as I fall to my knees in yearning or am consumed by the ever growing need to just nuzzle affectionately and CLING to my partner and never ever ever ever let go!

Like-- let's just assume emotion control okay and safe and good. Then it's a way for my heart to explode with all the passion it has and my heart has MUCH emotion! Like many lots! A ton!

And in certain circumstances that emotion can ride the sense of submission and longing. The more drunk on love I feel the more tame and pliant I become. It's a fun back-and-forth. But like. ONLY with proper grounding and prep to ensure it doesn't make permanent links.

IDK. I just really like the look on a person's face when they are swooning not just from bliss of hypnosis but also like UNRESTRAINED affection <3 it is just VERY YES. Idk. I kinda thought I'd have more to write about this one...

---

Day 16: Betrayal

FULL SCHEDULE MASTER POST

Day 18: Vampire Kink

[ladyxxdaydream]

Of course feel free to ignore this if its stepping boundaries. And if it is im sorry!! Im processing heartbreak of my own (3 years and it ended abruptly last summer) so I feel for you when you talk about yours (though I know yours was longer, im sorry). I actually found NATA a bit after and it seriously helped me through some of the toughest times, I kid you not. And then I'll Fall did as well and then all your others lol. And through falling in love with them I fell back into this fandom and back in love with writing and back in love with loving, honestly?? Despite the pain, those stories kinda made me a romantic lol. I was so hurt (still hurt) but I dunno.. they helped me really wanna do better, get better, strive for more. They helped me not give up on love and not close myself off which I always used to do. Ahh I dunno, I just wanted to let you know that your work has been a big comfort to me. And again if I overstepped, im really sorry!

I read this hours ago, and then re-read it several times, and then sent it to two of my friends, all while crying. I am so, so touched. this is probably one of the sweetest, most amazing things anyone has ever said to me.

i’m going to put the rest of my response under a cut because its gonna be long and your vulnerability is something i want to meet equally.

listen. when i first read this... i wanted to be bitter. bitter because I’ll Fall and NATA are directly influenced by my eight marriage that just ended; those are the only two fics I’ve written that are connected to my relationship, and ironically (or maybe not lol) my most popular and well loved stories. I’ll Fall is the story of how my partner and I met -- some of those scenes are directly lifted from my life -- and so much of myself and my wife are written inside Iruka and Kakashi in NATA, chronicling how our relationship grew over time. Of course, those stories are heavily embellished and transformed into a plot but my point is... reading that they helped you not give up and love, both broke my heart and healed me all at once.

I remember when my relationship ended, NATA was not yet complete, and I had this horrible moment where I thought: “if the seed that directly inspired them ended, then they also need to end.” I LITERALLY CONTEMPLATED DIVORCING THEM. But I am not a horrible person lmaoooo and of course they are a completely different entity than my marriage -- they were inspired by each other, not one in the same.

Even though that was my first reaction to your ask, it quickly faded away. Because... I find it absolutely beautiful and so incredible that my stories made you not give up on love, and to not close yourself off, and help you move on or let go. Because while my love (and your love) ended... it doesn’t mean it didn’t exist. It existed. It was real. And it was beautiful. And then it ended. And that’s okay. Love isn’t finite. And it comes in so many forms. And every variation of it is unique and special. Love will come again. It’ll come many times. Even if it’s not in the form of a person--love is everywhere, and everything.

And you know, writing that final chapter for NATA, a few months after my break up, was actually cathartic. I thought it would feel like a lie, but it didn’t. Writing them reminded me of how beautiful love can be, and I’m really grateful for it. I, too, learned a lot from them. They also served as my coping mechanism so to speak, providing me comfort and security. And I am beyond humbled and thrilled to know it served someone else in the same way.

It’s still hard for me to even comprehend, to be honest; the fact that those two fics inspire such emotional responses from people. But I think the reason people have responded to NATA and I’ll Fall so strongly, is because I laid myself bare. All my vulnerabilities and insecurities, and flaws, and heartbreak (in i’ll fall) are written all over it, as well as my experiences with love, which i’ve been blessed with richly, despite what may have happened. People always say to write what you know, and I guess I took that very literally lmao

anyway. i hope things get easier for you, if they haven’t already. i’m... five months? post-separation and still very much raw. and i gotta say... experiencing a break up during the pandemic is extra hard and weird. our friends cant hold us while we cry. we cant go out dancing or to a bar or do anything even remotely social that might help us ease us down that river of moving on, or give us that feeling of being newly single? idk?  it makes an isolating experience even MORE isolating. and has made the finality seem less real somehow? like ... sometimes i feel like im just waiting to get back together... even though i know thats not going to happen... i dont know if thats just my experience but...fuck.

i think my only advice is just... let yourself feel it. my biggest tool is meditation and trying to stay present. my favorite set of mantras recently is very simple -- each word corresponds with an inhale / exhale:

in/out

deep/slow

calm/ease

smile/release

present moment/wonderful moment.

And this quote by Louise Erdich:

“Life will break you. Nobody can protect you from that, and living alone won't either, for solitude will also break you with its yearning. You have to love. You have to feel. It is the reason you are here on earth. You are here to risk your heart. You are here to be swallowed up. And when it happens that you are broken, or betrayed, or left, or hurt, or death brushes near, let yourself sit by an apple tree and listen to the apples falling all around you in heaps, wasting their sweetness. Tell yourself you tasted as many as you could.” �� 

And this poem by Buddy Wakefield, which might seem like an odd thing to watch while heartbroken but shrug??? lmao it’s a tear-jerking but also a real honest show of love at it’s finest.

And music. Music has always been a balm for my soul. Or cracked me open. Sometimes I need to be cracked open. Crying is the best medicine.

Suit of Armor by Danika Smith

going thru by christian alexander

holy by jamila woods

chin up by yoke lore

conversation by lucy rose

plus a zillion more.

ANYWAY, anon. I’m here for you. And my stories will always be there for you, whenever you need them. 💖 sending all of my love!!!!!!!

[riot-control-camp]

hehhee asks

what’s your favorite candy?

do you prefer poems or love letters?

favorite fanfic trope?

favorite milkshake flavor?

favorite flowers?

what’s your ideal first date?

cloud gazing or star gazing?

do you prefer gazing wistfully out the window or lying dramatically over the sofa?

fuck/marry/kill you, me, jeff bezos /j

a walk in the park or a walk on the beach?

you monster. you absolute fiend. i’m going to get a bad grade in tumblr inbox, something that is reasonable to fear and possible to achieve--

favorite candy--all these asks about favorite things i’m just like “:eyes:” because i am SHIT at picking favorite things. the candy i had most recently was skittles, but chocolate is really good, and i like werther’s originals too. so skittles are probably my favorite fruit-based candy, and snickers and just plain dark chocolate are really good for chocolate based ones. but in general i have a huge sweet tooth, so if it has sugar, chances are i’ll like it. except rice pudding. fuck rice pudding. 

poems or love letters? poems i think. love letters are great but i can’t write them without sounding insincere. although honestly i don’t really write love poetry either? but good poetry makes my chest ache and i love it.

favorite fanfic trope? oh god, don’t make me choose /lh

i’m a sucker for a good enemies or idiots to lovers? i REALLY FUCKING LOVE mutual pining because i’m lithromantic and that’s like. the whole romantic attraction experience for me gfhgdf but also just the “oh he touched my left pinky finger i am Going To Combust” is just great. coffee shop AUs are a good thing, fake dating WATERS MY CROPS (potentially because i was yearning for a qpr before i even knew what it was). also just some good old whump. but as long as it’s well written and not like. inc*st or something i’m not picky.

favorite milkshake flavor? i don’t drink a lot of milkshakes, but the chick fil a (yes, i know, i’m sorry) cookies and cream milkshake kind of fucks

favorite flowers: i like most flowers, but carnations, lilies, and orchids are just *chef’s kiss* (idk if those flowers are edible though and i don’t intend to find out) OH ALSO SNAPDRAGONS

cloud gazing or star gazing? star gazing. a lot of my favorite summer memories are stargazing. i used to climb onto my roof at like 1am and look at the stars from on top of my house’s chimney because i’m Quirky like that dfg 

wistful window or dramatic sofa? probably sofa. looking out a car window to dramatic music fucking slaps but other than that if it’s possible i’d rather climb out the window and see nature instead of looking at something that never changes. 

ideal first date? babe i feel like this is a trick question /j

i think getting some sushi or italian food after seeing a play and eating it on a park bench outside would be really nice. 

fmk me, my partner, and jeff bezos (i know you said this was a joke but i am doing it)-- marry you, obviously, fuck me because i’m the sexiest person alive (and also because the other option is jeff bezos, and i would literally rather die), and kill jeff bezos, slowly and painfully. 

a walk in the park or a walk on the beach? with someone else? park at night. by myself? beach, definitely. 

anyway i love you so much <3

[hanabiira]

THE MEGA RP PLOTTING SHEET / MEME.

First and foremost, recall that no one is perfect, we all had witnessed some plotting once which did not went too well, be it because of us or our partner. So here have this, which may help for future plotting. It’s a lot! Yes, but perhaps give your partners some insight? Anyway BOLD what fully applies, italicize if only somewhat.

MUN NAME: Bunny   AGE: 26      CONTACT: IM & Discord

CHARACTER(S): OCs, and technically Kensei but I have neglected him as of late. 

CURRENT FANDOM(S): Bleach 

BLEACH FANDOM(S) YOU HAVE AN AU FOR:  None that I’ve actually written yet but I have an Avatar LOK AU for Miki.

MY LANGUAGE(S): English, no other languages I can fluently write in. I can read hiragana and katakana and very basic elementary kanji. 

THEMES I’M INTERESTED IN FOR RP: Fantasy / Science fiction / Horror / Western / Romance / Thriller / Mystery / Dystopia / Adventure / Modern / Erotic / Crime / Mythology / Classic / History / Renaissance / Medieval / Ancient / War / Family / Politics / Religion / School / Adulthood / Childhood / Apocalyptic / Gods / Sports / Music / Science / Fight / Angst / Smut / Drama / etc.

PREFERRED THREAD LENGTH: one-liner / 1 para / 2 PARA / 3+ / NOVELLA.

ASKS CAN BE SEND BY: MUTUALS / NON-MUTUALS (for OOC questions only) / PERSONALS (for OOC questions only) / ANONS. (for OOC/IC questions)

CAN ASKS BE CONTINUED?:   YES (please do!) / NO    only by Mutuals?:  YES / NO.

PREFERRED THREAD TYPE: crack / casual nothing too deep / SERIOUS / DEEP AS HECK.

IS REALISM / RESEARCH IMPORTANT FOR YOU IN CERTAIN THEMES?:   YES / NO.

ARE YOU ATM OPEN FOR NEW PLOTS?:  YES / NO / DEPENDS.

DO YOU HANDLE YOUR DRAFT / ASK - COUNT WELL?:  YES / NO / SOMEWHAT

HOW LONG DO YOU USUALLY TAKE TO REPLY?: 24H / 1 WEEK / 2 WEEKS / 3+ / months / years. / DEPENDS ON MOOD AND INSPIRATION, AND IF I’M BUSY I

I’M OKAY WITH INTERACTING: ORIGINAL CHARACTERS / a relative of my character (an oc) / duplicates / MY FANDOM / CROSSOVERS (if I know the fandom) / MULTI-MUSES / self-inserts / people with no AU verse for my fandom / CANON-DIVERGENT PORTRAYALS / AU-VERSIONS.

DO YOU POST MORE IC OR OOC?: IC / OOC.

ARE YOU SELECTIVE WITH FOLLOWING OTHERS?: YES / NO / DEPENDS.  

BEST WAYS TO APPROACH YOU FOR RP/PLOTTING:  Tumblr IM or if you know me, discord. Once you have my discord there’s no reason to IM me really. I’m more likely to notice a message from discord than tumblr since I have discord on my phone and laptop. 

WHAT EXPECTATIONS DO YOU HOLD TOWARDS YOUR PLOTTING PARTNER: I mean, if we’re actively plotting something I at least expect some back and forth?? But if it’s just general spewing of shit about stuff our characters might do I don’t necessarily expect it to become a thread or anything. Sometimes I just like to scream and think about stuff with other people lmao.I don’t even really expect plotting all the time, unless you have a really good idea then I’m all for it!! totally!! I love a good plotted thread but I am also cool just going with the punches. 

WHEN YOU NOTICE THE PLOTTING IS RATHER ONE-SIDED, WHAT DO YOU DO?: If the person doesn’t seem into it I’ll probably just drop it? I’m not going to pressure anyone into any sort of rp they’re not vibing with, it’s fine. 

HOW DO YOU USUALLY PLOT WITH OTHERS, DO YOU GIVE INPUT OR LEAVE MOST WORK TOWARDS YOUR PARTNER?:  I love that this meme assumes I plot a lot lmfao. Uhh...I find it quite difficult to come up with a lot of different active scenarios or stories but I do frequently like to discuss what ifs between my characters and whoever I’m talking to and that often can evolve into an idea for a thread which I am all for taking places. I wouldn’t necessarily call it plotting because it doesn’t always have to turn into something, but its just fun little banter about our characters and their reactions. If I am trying to buckle down and plot I will do my best to contribute to whatever we’re trying to plan? 

WHEN A PARTNER DROPS THE THREAD, DO YOU WISH TO KNOW?:   YES / NO / DEPENDS. - And why?: I won’t be mad, just be like ‘hey can we drop this?’ and I’ll be like “cool”. I get that sometimes you just can’t find the words to reply to something and that’s ok. But just let me know so I’m not sitting there waiting for a reply I’m never going to get. 

WHAT COULD POSSIBLY LEAD YOU TO DROP A THREAD?:  Either an natural ending of the thread or I just....can’t think of any juice to keep it going and get stuck behind a wall. I am MORE than happy to start something fresh and new when threads are ended or dropped! 

- WILL YOU TELL YOUR PARTNER?:   YES / NO / DEPENDS.

IS COMMUNICATION IN THE RPC IMPORTANT TO YOU? YES / NO.

- AND WHY?: I think a lot of misunderstanding stems from a lack of communication. Do I talk OOC with ALL the people I rp with? No, but If I have concerns or questions about a thread or something we’re doing I am 100% going to talk to them about it to make sure nothing gets misconstrued. I get people get anxious but like...if you have the balls to write a character on the internet with a stranger you can send them an IM if you have a questions/concerns. None of us are mind readers, so don’t leave your partner in the dark about your thoughts and feelings. Obviously if they are writing with you they don’t hate you. 90% of us don’t bite and are just lame nerds behind a computer screen, so.... 

ARE YOU OKAY WITH ABSOLUTE HONESTY, EVEN IF IT MAY MEANS HEARING SOMETHING NEGATIVE ABOUT YOU AND/OR PORTRAYAL?: I mean, I’m not going to LOVE hearing something negative but if its a valid point or concern I’m absolutely going to listen to it and try to rectify it? Problem is a lot of people thinly spew hate or baseless negativity and then thinly veil it as “criticism” that stems their personal feelings about a character than it really is anything constructive, which is a no go for me.  Will I 100% always agree with how everyone else plays their characters? No, but if its not hurting anyone and they’re having fun I’m not going to say anything to them. I 100% welcome constructive criticism or tough questions! It’s one way to improve. 

DO YOU THINK YOU CAN HANDLE SUCH SITUATION IN A MATURE WAY? YES / NO.

WHY DO YOU RP AGAIN, IS THERE A GOAL?: My goal is really just to have fun and enjoy myself. The longer I am here the less I am worried about doing big deep threads or having amazing fancy graphics for that RPC clout. I’m here to have fun with my friends and play my OC that I love. Again, I don’t profess myself to be much of a writer so I’m not technically here to really further and deepen my writing skills. That sounds bad, I don’t mean to say I am adverse to improvement and I am always looking for ways or feedback that could make my storytelling better, but it is not my main goal or reason for why I rp, if that makes sense. Telling a narrative has always been something that’s been difficult for me (I HATED having to write stories in school and avoided creative writing like the plague) but I really welcome ways that could help me be better, because it hasn’t always been something natural to me. 

WISHLIST, BE IT PLOTS OR SCENARIOS:  I YEARN for a good thread with a Shunsui about Miki taking over the 8th division and how she changes it since his time there. She really worries about still holding onto his legacy while also making a name for herself and differentiating herself from him and how he ran things and would really want his feedback and approval. I would also really love if there were some characters that really took an interest in the kinds of stuff she does with the things she grows in her garden and greenhouse. It is more than just “ooh, look at the pretty flowers” and it is not really something I’ve gotten to explore despite my time here. 

THEMES I WON’T EVER RP / EXPLORE: Anything gross. Rape/noncon/underage/furry or weird extreme fetish shit. I 100% do not vibe with racism, transphobia, homophobia, etc. I do not mind some darker themes but I don’t really have any interest on writing any threads where Miki is deeply deeply hurt or tortured or anything like that, which kind of falls under the gore category. Will I write her injured and do I welcome some kinds of sparring/fighting threads? Yes. But I won’t subject her to gross violence and having the shit being beat out of her. Miki is not infallible but I don’t want to write it. 

WHAT TYPE OF STARTERS DO YOU PREFER / DISLIKE, CAN’T WORK WITH?:  Starters that are too open ended, start with a general with a question and/or little scenario building. You know like the “why are you here”, “what are you doing”, “who are you” sorts of starters. They’re boring and I will most likely run out of ways to keep going with them. Set a scene for me and I will have a much easier time! 

WHAT TYPE OF CHARACTERS CATCH YOUR INTEREST THE MOST?:  That’s a good question...Miki tends to like friendly people (obviously) but also gets a kick out of interacting with cold or difficult to talk to characters (think Soi fon, Kensei, Byakuya etc) because she sees it as something of a challenge. She wants to see if she can befriend them. I also like characters that have an interesting theme or shitck . 

WHAT TYPE OF CHARACTERS CATCH YOUR INTEREST THE LEAST?: Characters that are not really in her age group (think the karakura kids). I have the most difficult time thinking about how they might even interact in a way that is not on the most superficial level. Also characters that I can’t realistically see her meeting or running into. 

WHAT ARE YOUR STRONG ASPECTS AS RP PARTNER?: I am pretty easy to reach OOC, and once I’m in I’m in. I love talking about our characters interactions and will spam you with asks and shit if that’s what you want. I will talk all day about our characters if you let me. I will send you stupid memes. Even if I am not posting on tumblr I’m easily reached through discord. And Idk my oc is good??? maybe??? 

WHAT ARE YOUR WEAK ASPECTS AS RP PARTNER?: I would say I’m inconsistent? I know its covid times right now but I do work a full time job that takes a lot of my time and energy usually and I absolutely can’t write when I’m mentally exhausted. It won’t happen. So there may be times where you just won’t see any posting from me and it may take a long time for me to answer a thread or ask. As much as I also don’t like to label myself this way...I guess I technically do suffer from chronic pain (I have a hip malformation), and sitting is one of the things that really can exacerbate my hip and back pain meaning sometimes I just can’t tolerate sitting at my desk for very long or even sitting up in my bed which really prevents me from writing sometimes even when I want to. I wish mobile draft writing was better lol 

DO YOU RP SMUT?:  YES / NO/ DEPENDS.

DO YOU PREFER TO GO INTO DETAIL?: YES / NO / DEPENDS.

ARE YOU OKAY WITH BLACK CURTAIN?: YES / NO.

- WHEN DO YOU RP SMUT? MORE OUT OF FUN OR CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT?: Too much smut is boring, obviously, and I’m not really a fan of smut really just for the sake of smut and threads like that tend to die for me.  And I also don’t rp smut with just anyone, there has to be an established relationship between the characters. But if it flows with the story and it makes sense for the scenario then yeah, I’m down for a good smut thread. 

- ANYTHING YOU WOULD NOT WANT TO RP THERE?: I’m pretty vanilla and I didn’t really give Miki anything that’s really nonstandard. I’m not going to shame anyone for what they’re into or their characters but there’s just kinks I couldn’t convincing write, would be ooc, or I just would be too embarrassed. So far I have not run into anything weird though. 

ARE SHIPS IMPORTANT TO YOU?:   YES / NO 

WOULD YOU SAY YOUR BLOG IS SHIP-FOCUSED?: YES?? / NO. Though I mean ship not in a strictly romantic ship sense. I value all ships as in friendships and other relationships, mentor mentee, etc. and it really helps drive story for both characters I think. Miki CRAVES FRIENDSHIPS!! SHE WANTS TO BE YOUR FRIEND!! LET HER!! Even negative relationships have value.  

DO YOU USE READ MORE?:  YES / NO / SOMETIMES WHEN I WRITE LONG STUFF (ooc stuff).

ARE YOU:  Multi-ship / Single-Ship / Dual-Ship  —  Multiverse / Singleverse.

- WHAT DO YOU LOVE TO EXPLORE THE MOST IN YOUR SHIPS?: 

ARE YOU OKAY WITH PRE-ESTABLISHED RELATIONSHIPS?: YES / NO. - As long as its discussed before hand or is easily implied (say like, an 8th lieutenant). 

► SECTION ABOUT YOUR MUSE.

- WHAT COULD POSSIBLY MAKE YOUR MUSE INTERESTING TOWARDS OTHERS, WHY SHOULD THEY RP WITH THIS PARTICULAR CHARACTER OF YOURS NOW, WHAT POSSIBLE PLOTS DO THEY OFFER?:  Miki is unique, I’d like to think. She is a blend of soft and gentle, but also stubborn, opinionated and desperate to prove that she shouldn’t be messed with. I basically wanted a character that just seemed like a living and breathing springtime breeze. I’m not saying necessarily that some of the tropes she holds are entirely unique to the series, but I think its the blend of all her aspects that make her different compared to other canon characters. Plus if you love that plant and flower aesthetique™ you have come to the right place. Plus she takes it further than just an aesthetic or a surface level “I like flowers” aspect of her personality. It runs so deep and she is so passionate about it in so many different ways. 

- WITH WHAT TYPE OF MUSES DO YOU USUALLY STRUGGLE TO RP WITH?:  Again, ones that I can’t find much of a commonality with so those who are not her age or are strictly human. Though it is not impossible to interact with humans, I prefer to develop her story within the scene of the Seireitei. Also characters that are super volatile and aggressive. 

- WHAT DO THEY DESIRE, IS THEIR GOAL?:  Peace, accomplishment, happiness mostly. Miki wants to be recognized for her hard work as well as desires to form positive relationships with others. She wants the Gotei to feel less disjointed. 

- WHAT CATCHES THEIR INTEREST FIRST WHEN MEETING SOMEONE NEW?:  The way they talk, their facial expressions, their eyes. 

- WHAT DO THEY VALUE IN A PERSON?:  Kindness, determination, drive, sense of humor. 

- WHAT THEMES DO THEY LIKE TALKING ABOUT?:  Plants, flowers, flower arranging, gardening, poisonous plants and their potential affects and uses, tea, shitty jokes, food, general day to day gossip, handsome men (lol), books, kido and other shinigami arts, human world stuff. 

- WHICH THEMES BORE THEM?: Math, long convoluted talks about history, people who talk too much about themselves. 

- DID THEY EVER GO THROUGH SOMETHING TRAUMATIC?:  The thousand year bloodwar. The death of a romantic partner. The death of her mother. 

- WHAT COULD LEAD TO AN INSTANT KILL?:  It’s really hard to imagine a scenario where Miki would immediately go in for the kill zero questions asked with no context. Probably only if it’s someone known to be a threat, has done things that are terrible, and is likely to continue being a threat to others or is actively killing/about to kill someone else. 

- IS THERE SOMEONE /-THING THEY HATE?:  Birds. Hypocrites. Super self important people. 

IS YOUR MUSE EASY TO APPROACH?: YES / NO. - Best ways to approach them?:  Just roll up on her. She’s easily found in her barracks. 

SOMETHING YOU MAY STILL WANT TO POINT OUT ABOUT YOUR MUSE?: uuuuuh she bean.

CONGRATS!!! You managed it, now tag your mutuals! ♥

Tagged by: @bazzardburner technically but for quincy miki which I will also tweak and post there. 

[clumsyclifford]

oh that sounds great how's samson the cutie doing? and i'm literally so happy for you that you don't have to take math finale i mean holy fuck that's amazing!! also good for you that you had tea. tea is literally the only thing keeping me sane (with slight help from iced coffee) how you survived three months without tea is beyond me.

thank you it's very appreciated & i love you very much as well 💖

had some free time today & used it to listen to a couple more songs of your taking out playlist (again really just my fav lines but maybe they overlap again 🙈)

kids in the dark firstly i fucking love this song and the line that takes me out is "what a shame beautiful scars on critical veins" though i love the whole "standing on the edge" part too

heaven the entire chorus kills me honestly specifically "heaven doesn't want me" but also "make a wish that you'll get a chance to say goodbye before the shots ring out in the dead of night"

life changes what a fucking song. is it normal to cry to this btw? "ain't it funny how life changes you wake up ain't nothing the same and life changes" has nearly always managed to get me to tear up (or well just the entire chorus)

if you're gonna lie tricky one bc amazing lyrics all in all and i think for you the taking out part might be the chorus bc you seem to have a thing for lies. "by loving you, i'm losing me every night" is my fav though

need me well fuck. okay. i love this song so much. entire first verse slaps. "i got peace and i got pain either way it's all the same" or "tell me that you need me will you love me ’til you leave me" i can see as taking out lines, specifically the second one for me bc it has sth so desperate to it i think? idk i just really love this song

speaking of songs i love dear winter ..one line? okay i gotta talk about this song for a sec bc like. why are they allowed to do that. why can they just hurt me like that. i don't even know if i want kids and then comes ajr is like here feel lots of yearning for your non-existent child and also your non-existent partner apropos this needs to go on my yearning playlist. anyway this whole fucking song literally murders me every single time. most of all "i gotta find a girl that doesn't mind that i'm inside my head a lot" bc. yeah. "i hope you talk to girls or boys or anyone you like i just hope you don't stay in every night 'cause i wish i was out tonight" and every variation of the chorus bc great fucking songwriting. i could go on about specific lines but i'd end up just copying the entire song so let's go with the lines i said.

love you very much and wish you a good night though i think it's like midday for you, fiancee

god i KNOWWW to all of that tbh. ive had so much tea since being home i am THRIVING i think i had three cups of tea today i am living my best life

oh okay sick!! let’s go

kids in the dark: yeah it’s “beautiful scars on critical veins” kitd isnt even one of my favorite atl songs but that is one of my FAVORITE lyrics. like of all time i just love it so much

heaven: HEAVEN DOESNT WANT ME ANYMORE!!!!!!! god have i mentioned i love nine. i do

life changes: im not sure it’s NORMAL to cry but i support you for doing it <3 the line is actually “you make your plans and you hear god laughing” because i just really like the energy of that. i think there’s a second one though which is “notebook full of bad songs i was writing” (i mean honestly the entire first verse) because I Sure Can Relate

if you’re gonna lie: HLKSJFG a THING for LIES PLEASE let me live. as a matter of fact the line is “you said you’re out with friends, but you’re with her tonight / i checked your location, good fuckin’ try” because <3 fletcher swearing <3 and i just love the delivery......the honesty.....the bluntness. it’s sexy

need me: YEAH!!! will you love me ‘til you leave me?? FUCKS ME UP. however there’s a bonus one because it’s not exactly about the lyrics so much as how the lyrics interact w the instruments, which is in the first verse where they say “kick drum” and there’s a kick drum at that moment. i fuckin love when music does that kind of thing

dear winter: GODDD I KNOW i fucking LOVE dear winter it makes me feel so much. i love it. and the line is “it really doesn’t seem like there’s anyone for me” i dont know........it’s so defeated man. it’s !!!!!! anyway. the line about finding a girl who doesn’t mind that i’m inside my head a lot also fucks me up

i hope you’re doing well <3

[georgiabread]

confused

summary: dan loves girls. right?

- a little story about learning to accept yourself.

word count: 2.9k

trigger warnings: a few homophobic slurs and some mild anxiety

a/n: i feel like there's a bit of gender stereotyping in here, but i couldn't really avoid it idk

Dan loves girls.

He loves the way their hair tumbles over their shoulders like silky waterfalls. He loves the way their dainty fingers fit tightly in his own. He loves it when they laugh, tinkle-y and soft as wisps of cloud. He loves how tight-fitting jeans accentuate their thighs, and low cut shirts expose their collarbones and cleavage. He loves the lipstick stains that pepper his neck. He loves the finely manicured nails scraping gently over his skin.

He loves girls.

When his girlfriend presses him against the lockers in between classes and her breasts crowd his own chest, his lust and yearning spiral out of control. When his parents are out and she grinds into his quickly-forming bulge that night, he bites down eagerly on her bottom lip and lets out a soft moan.

Girls are gorgeous. Mascara makes their eyes pop, his heart flutters when they grin with their teeth, their own strength makes them as admirable as ever. Dan can still remember his first crush – a freckled, mousy-haired girl by the name of Liddy. Even though they were both eight at the time, her hazel eyes intrigued him and his stomach hopped on a rollercoaster whenever she spoke to him. Sitting opposite each other in class in Year 3, a friendship was quickly formed through a shared tin of colouring pencils and a common adoration for one specific picture book. Liddy wanted to swing on the swing sets with him, talk about her annoying older siblings and have play-dates with him every weekend.

Dan just wanted to hold her hand. The only times she let him occurred when the class had to walk in two straight lines, “holding your partner’s hand very, very tightly!” as Miss Blair would say.

Every other time, Liddy would tell him with an endearing laugh, “I don’t want boy germs! That’s gross.” She never meant it, but she also never failed to sink Dan’s naïve little heart.

Liddy moved away in Year 5. On the first day when she wasn’t sitting across from him like she usually did, or begging him to play tag once they’d finished morning tea, Dan got home and cried into his mother’s shoulder.

Dan loves girls. He’s loved them since he knew how to love them. So he’s confused when, 17 years old and sitting quietly at his friends’ table during lunch, he finds he can’t tear his eyes away from the lips of his best friend Asher.

Asher. A boy.

He doesn’t know what Asher’s talking about. All he knows is that staring at the boy’s lips makes a spark burst within his heart – a spark normally reserved for girls only. And it terrifies him.

Dan has a girlfriend. Dan loves his girlfriend. Dan loves kissing his girlfriend.

So why does he want to kiss Asher? Asher, with the painful dad jokes and the obsession with vomit-inducing country music and the blonde fringe that flops messily over his face, the fringe Dan would love to brush away so he can see his pretty blue eyes better – shit.

He doesn’t know what’s happening to him.

Dan knows about gay people. He knows one or two personally. His uncle is currently seeing another man. But Dan’s not gay. He can’t be gay. Not when he loves staring at his girlfriend's boobs and texting her heart emoticons until 1 am.

Dan decides that he’s fucked up. He’s broken. Something’s wrong with him. And he doesn’t tell anyone about it.

Months rattle by, filled to the brim with exams and friendship dramas and any other difficulties you can think of. And Dan never stops thinking about boys – in that way. He suppresses it. God, he tries so hard to suppress it. He even yanks open his grandmother’s Bible at one point to see what the supposed gay-hater has to say about all this. He doesn’t find anything useful.

But it isn't just Asher he stares at. His gaze lingers on the features of other boys – dark gentle eyes, wavy hair, other kissable lips – and he doesn’t know what do with himself and his hormones when he’s stood in a locker room surrounded by muscular, bare-chested boys. And it overwhelms him.

During one of his familiar 3 am Wikipedia odysseys, Dan is reminded of his identity crisis and worries for a moment before clicking off the page about the Battle of Sedan in 1870. He opens up the search bar on his phone.

I like girls and boys, he types with quivering thumbs.

Multiple websites and forums slide onto his screen. Dan considers them, before tapping one. Nearly an hour later and he’s managed to find satisfaction in the information he’s gathered. So far, his feelings suggest he’s bisexual – attracted to males and females. Or he could be pansexual, but he doesn’t really understand that one, so he discards it for the moment.

“Bisexual.” Dan whispers it into the pitch black shadows of his bedroom, the only things willing to listen. It sounds…odd on his tongue. He’s never considered himself something other than straight, so he’s not sure how he feels about being something else. He’s not even sure if he is something else.

Dan isn’t willing to accept it. No fucking way. He can’t be anything other than straight because…what if his parents find out? What if his friends find out? What if he gets bullied just for…staring at a guy too long or…being a complete weirdo by taking a guy’s hand or something? Dan’s anxieties suffocate him, and he fumbles to load up YouTube – a popular escape of his when everything becomes too much to handle.

All the vloggers he’s subscribed to – none of them have uploaded anything. Goddammit, where’s the new content? Dan wonders bitterly. Just when I really need you guys, you’re not there.

Okay, he might sound a little overdramatic. But YouTube is his counselling session and the YouTubers are his therapists. He’ll never tell his parents how much he needs a real one. They don’t have the money anyway.

In desperation, Dan clicks the first thing in his recommendations without even looking at the thumbnail. After four excruciating seconds of buffering, a face pops up on the screen. And not just any face. Dan’s stomach does that flippy-over thing again because of it. Shit, he needs to control that.

“Howdy folks, so this week I haven’t been on the internet like hardly at all, because I’ve been outside absorbing radiation into my face,” a pale-skinned, ebony-haired boy explains immediately to the camera.

Dan snorts a little at his words, partly listening and partly lost in his bright cerulean eyes. His eyes wander to his lips, his shoulders as they fill out a yellow-and-black check shirt, the light dusting of chest hair peering out from an open collar. He learns that the guy's name is Phil – or AmazingPhil – he tends to attract weird people/situations, and he’s a genius when it comes to editing. How does he even get those pictures to move across the screen? Dan asks himself incredulously.

When the video ends, Dan can’t help but feel a little disappointed. He tells himself it’s not because he misses looking at AmazingPhil’s face. Then his eyes drop to the subscriber count – over 6000 people watch his videos. Dan shakes his head in disbelief, hits subscribe and enters his channel to find a new video. (Just to see if this guy is really worth his time, Dan tries to convince himself).

*

Dan loves boys.

He loves staring when shirts cling to their muscular frames. He loves listening to their voices, low and sultry with the occasional endearing voice crack. He loves it when they push back their hair and expose their whole face. He loves the strong curves of their jaw, the broad shoulders, the way their Adam’s apple dances when they swallow. He loves how strong their arms feel beneath his hands. He loves how protected his fingers are when they’re curled in those of another boy.

He loves boys. But he hasn’t entirely accepted it yet.

Concealing his feelings is harder than he expected. Hiding spontaneous erections, losing himself in a boy’s eyes, relentlessly reassuring his girlfriend that he still loves her – those are just some of the difficulties he faces. He joins forums and talks about what he’s going through. He tries imagining himself in a relationship with a boy, just to see if he’d really want it. He does.

Dan's girlfriend is a bit of a challenge. He does love her, but this sexuality crisis chucks a wall between them and Dan is petrified. What if she finds out? What if she thinks he's gay and ditches him? What if she tells the whole school, and the story spreads and people call him faggot and queer and – god forbid – his parents find out?

It isn’t his girlfriend who tells the whole school.

The day after a blurry house party, some guy he’s never spoken to jogs up to him and asks, “Is it true you hooked up with Lucas last night?”

Dan’s stomach plummets. All he remembers from the party is dancing bodies, some kind of fight between two dickheads, and downing an unhealthy amount of alcohol before flirting with a dark-haired guy – oh. Oh.

Lucas. The boy in his biology class he may or may not have fantasised about. Dan blinks and all of a sudden hazy memories flash through his brain. He sees Lucas pressed against a wall, feverishly sticking his tongue down Dan's throat and…Dan loves it. He kisses the boy with a fierce intensity, fingers trailing up his arms and under his shirt and through his hair, and it feels so right. Moments later Lucas takes his hand and fumbles with the door handle of the closest bedroom.

Dan squeezes his eyes shut and buries his face in his hands. He doesn’t remember anything else after that. Except a feeling of ecstasy. But he knows he didn’t sleep with Lucas – his ass doesn’t hurt and he’s pretty sure an experience like that would be stuck in his mind for all eternity.

So…a blowjob. Or something like that. Fuck.

Everyone’s talking about it. The hushed voices intensify when Dan passes Lucas in the hallway; the boy’s eyes are trained to the old lino tiles and his face is flushed red. Dan wants to apologise. But Lucas avoids him at all costs.

Dan's girlfriend breaks it off as the school days ends. She snarls at him with spite behind her eyes in the hallway and calls him a worthless fag. The words tear Dan's heart to pieces.

That night, tears clouding his vision and thoughts caught up in a hurricane, he opens YouTube again and struggles to find AmazingPhil’s channel. By now he’s been subscribed for a few months, and he just can’t get enough of the dark-haired boy. Not only does he take Dan’s breath away, but his fears and anguish as well. Phil’s channel is a safe haven, and Dan can’t get enough.

After ten videos, he decides to open up Twitter again and loads his hundredth tweet to Phil, clinging to the frail hope that one day the guy will reply. He doesn’t expect to receive one that very night.

haha ^.^ thank you & I think we’d be good friends :) @danhowell

Dan’s heart stutters. Stops. Restarts. He doesn’t even remember what he said first. His jaw hangs slack as he receives the notification and his eyes scan once, twice, a billion times over the small tweet. He favourites it, before rolling over and screaming into his pillow.

AmazingPhil just replied to him. Phil Lester, a god – out of everyone, he noticed him. Dan looks back at his phone, and now his hands are trembling and he wants to cry for a different reason.

For the first time in a long time, Dan falls asleep happy.

*

Dan loves girls and boys.

He loves the way they laugh, giggling, snorting or letting out obnoxious guffaws. He loves the shape of their faces and how they look when they smile. He loves the feeling of their lips pressed to his skin, whether gentle or rough. He loves noticing details about them – the crinkles behind their eyes, the freckles on their nose, the bitten nails, the curve of their hips. He loves holding their hand or running his fingers through their hair or tying their shoes for them.

He loves girls and boys. And he’s almost comfortable with that.

But Dan loves one boy specifically. He currently has his head resting on this boy’s chest, his curly hair brushing against this boy’s neck as he lays between his legs. The boy’s arms are encircling his waist and playing with his fingers. A movie is running on the old TV, but Dan can barely pay attention to it.

He loves Phil. It’s an unalterable fact. He’s loved Phil since he discovered his videos. But meeting him for the first time, sinking into his arms at the train station, clinging to his hand, spending the day with him in Manchester…Dan has fallen in love with him.

He doesn’t know if Phil loves him back.

Dan’s eyes flutter closed for a moment, and he allows himself to focus on Phil’s chest as it rises and falls beneath him, Phil’s fingertips dipping and swirling over his hands, Phil’s cheek resting partially atop his head. He is surrounded by Phil. And he loves it.

But Phil…Phil won’t want to be with him. Dan is a disaster of a human being, he’s worthless and immature and his body is just disgusting and…he doesn’t even know if Phil likes boys. And besides, why would Phil – who’s four years older than him and has experienced so much more – ever love him in that way?

Dan hasn’t kissed a boy since the Lucas incident. He’s not entirely sure he’ll be very good at kissing Phil.

The movie comes to an end, sooner than expected, and Dan and Phil are still cuddled on the green and blue duvet, watching the credits roll by. They lie there in peaceful silence for a few moments before Phil breaks it.

“I don’t want you to go home,” he mumbles shyly into Dan’s hair.

Dan isn’t expecting those words, and his stomach somersaults when he hears them. Warmth quickly blooms on his cheeks, and yet his heart breaks at the sorrow weighing upon Phil’s voice. Phil shouldn’t be sad. Phil doesn’t deserve to be sad.

Nerves coursing through his veins, Dan turns in Phil’s lap and stares up at him, placing one hand on his chest to remain steady. He waits until Phil's electric blue eyes meet his dark ones and draws a small breath. "You are my home," he tells him sincerely.

And then Phil does the last thing he expects. There’s fingers on his cheek and a warm look in Phil’s eyes, and they’re kissing.

Dan takes a second to register what’s happening – Phil’s lips are soft like cushions pressing gently against his own, almost afraid that Dan will break. And then Dan kisses back, deepening it, a passionate affirmation that he wants this, god he wants this so bad. Phil tastes like winter, dew-drops and the galaxy, and he smells like safety and scented candles as his fingers tangle in Dan’s hair. They’re close, so close, and Phil is tugging Dan forward, swiping his tongue over his bottom lip and Dan almost opens his mouth to allow entrance when he realises –

He’s kissing a boy for the second time in his life. He loves it. He’s hooked on Phil, but it’s overwhelming him.

Dan accidentally lets out a muffled grunt and pulls away, winding his arms around Phil’s neck as he pauses. His eyes fall shut. He desperately fills his lungs, breathless after the kiss. He can feel Phil’s concerned gaze without even looking at him.

“Dan…” Phil murmurs anxiously. “Are you alright? Did you…not want this?”

Immediately shaking his head, Dan lifts his head and meets Phil’s fearful eyes. “No, no, I do…I do want this,” he says quietly, reassuring him with a gentle peck on the lips. “It’s just…it’s been a while since I kissed a boy, and I’m still…adjusting to my sexuality, I guess. I don’t know. I’m sorry.”

Phil sighs softly and brushes his fringe out of his eyes, before pressing a gentle kiss to his forehead. “You don’t need to apologise for anything. I’m sorry, for rushing you and pressuring you,” he tells him.

“But…but wouldn’t you want someone who actually knows their own identity? I’m so fucked up, Phil, I can’t even kiss you properly,” Dan says, averting his eyes to his lap.

“Hey.” There’s pressure on his jaw as Phil gently lifts his head up. Dan struggles not to look at him until Phil brushes his thumb over the corner of his lip. “I’ll wait for you – for as long as you need,” Phil says. “And for the record, that’s one of the best kisses I’ve ever had.”

Red spreads across Dan’s cheeks and he leans forward, hiding his smile in Phil’s shoulder. “I think I’m in love with you,” he blurts into the boy’s t-shirt, the words making it past his lips before he can even register them.

But Phil doesn’t reject him. Instead, he seems to sigh in relief and plants a lingering kiss on the top of Dan’s head. “Thank god. I was thinking the same thing.”

*

Dan loves girls and boys. And that’s okay.

phanfics