#its so good and horribly traumatising at the same time

[crowwbones]

Even after all that "take responsibility" shit Jimmy kept telling himself, he still took the only way out that — in theory — doesn't hurt. The quickest way out. Everyone else went through so much physical pain and gives himself one bullet this makes me sick

[hacked-wtsdz]

Every time I read or watch Lord of the Rings I can’t help but think about how Tolkien had survived one of the bloodiest, most cruel, most dirtiest and darkest wars in human history, came back and wrote this:

“The world is indeed full of peril, and in it there are many dark places; but still there is much that is fair, and though in all lands love is now mingled with grief, it grows perhaps the greater.”

And this:

"'I wish it need not have happened in my time,' said Frodo.

'So do I,' said Gandalf, 'and so do all who live to see such times. But that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given us.'"

And this:

"I do not love the bright sword for its sharpness, nor the arrow for its swiftness, nor the warrior for his glory. I love only that which they defend."

And this:

“Many that live deserve death and some that die deserve life. Can you give it to them? Then do not be so eager to deal out death in judgement. For even the wise cannot see all ends."

And this:

“True courage is about knowing not when to take a life, but when to spare one.”

And clearly they were all written partly because he survived the war, because of what he’d seen and done and learned. But at the same time the unwillingness to lose faith, the courage and strength that this man had to believe in these things after going through hell! It makes the nihilists look so cheap, so uninteresting! People who’ve went through concentration camps and wars believe in humanity anyway, isn’t that proof that hope and love exist? And many, many, many of them did not return or returned broken and cruel and traumatised to the point when no faith in others was possible for them, and nobody can blame them. But there were many who refused to lose faith and hope. They have seen some of the worst that life has to offer and came back believing that we shouldn’t be eager to deal out death in judgement and should love only that which the sword defends.

No matter how many people say that humanity is horrible and undeserving of love, and life is dark and worthless, and love doesn’t exist I remember this and have hope anyway. Because there were people who have actually had all reason to believe in the worst and still believed in the good, so the good must be real. The good is real, even despite the evil, and we must trust in it.

[uboatheflesh]

Here's me recording/performing of empathy shield live on Behind The Mirror, RTR 92.1 FM on the 24th of August 2023. photos by alt.live.perth (Jess).

Set was a little shorter due to the radio time constraints. Also gave a brief interview (the interview on the site was done beforehand over email, theres also a pre-mastered version of empathy on there, I only spoke briefly after the set on radio). Again, empathy shield was completely improvised based on carefully pre-selected sound design elements. Done in the middle of autistic burnout, where I could barely speak on radio due to slowly going into verbal shutdown . Luckily my tour hosts Jess and Amir were absolutely supportive and got me through it.

I went on to play this show a few days in later, also in borloo/perth at the Badlands Bar. It used a lot of the same elements of empathy shield. I have a few feelings about it.

After the end of my set, I had a total verbal shutdown as soon as I got off stage and snuck back into the green room.

Worse, I managed to break the zip on my dress (got caught in the mesh I was wearing) and was stuck in it for 20 minutes before I had to ask a band for a shirt to cover the broken top half. Then several old perth friends I had not talked to in ages came in to talk to me only to find me simply unable to say hi back. I felt terrible about it. Indeed, I was in a terrible state. However - everybody around me there understood. A fellow autistic woman even gave me a fidget spinner. Even if I didn't use it (weirdly too overwhelmed to stim?), I kinda happy cry every time I think about that somebody even offered one to me non-judgementally. Only a few years ago would I have seen as a ridiculous r*tard baby for being a 'professional musician' who does this, but now it's ...its treated kinda like normal. Wish I had this kind of understanding growing up before I was diagnosed. Now, I am never the only ND at the gigs I play. Indeed, the NT's are usually the minority at them. Then theres the fact that so many other (and more well-known) musicians are being open about their autism (like Ethel Cain or Justin Broadrick) which would also be unthinkable years beforehand. It genuinely warms my heart. This is why I am loud, proud and cringe about my neurodivergence now. I don't want to be repeatedly traumatised by it anymore based on misunderstandings that we autists inevitably get, or failing to meet allistic standards. Every time I see a fellow autist get horridly traumatised because somebody (usually NT) got the ick it fucking hurts. Or when they blame themselves for failing to meet arbitrary allistic standards and fall into a horrible depression for not being 'normal'. It hurts even more if its a fellow autistic transfeminine person. I wish I could do more about it, like psychology or social work - but music is what I am stuck doing for the time being, so I'll try to do what I can here. Hence several upcoming songs /records (including the two Roadburn commissioned original compositions) neurodivergence takes a central role. It's lame, but sometimes its good to be lame. Sometimes it's necessary. We have a long way to go, but its also important to remember we have also come a long way too.

/gen

[god-has-entered-my-body]

ok so now that I’ve traumatised everyone I’m requesting 22 for mpind matty!!

I’m going to sleep let’s hope I don’t dream of ginger roots shaped like butt plugs because!! that would be horrible!! anyways mwah <3

-legend anon🩵

this is sooo old i hope u still wanna see it!! don't remind me of the figging thing im positively gagging and not in a good way. Anyways onto the actually blurb length blurb

22. "Mark me. Mark me so everyone knows who I belong to."

wc: like 1k?? not much, that's for sure

content warnings: not really smut but also kinda, use of the word juxtaposition (soz guys), marking, exhibitionism, sub!Matty, teasing, jealous girlie, typical MPIND Matty cockiness

You're overreacting, you know you are. It's not that serious.

But it is.

Matty stands there, surrounded by people, all of them listening to him telling a story, hands moving erratically to emphasize his words, pausing to let people laugh at his crude humour every few seconds, most of them too drunk to even realise what he was talking about.

That wouldn't be an issue, not normally. The girl next to him is the source of your feeling of unease, hanging onto his every word and getting a bit closer with every giggle, touching his arm while batting her eyelashes, looking up at him sweetly. Something inside of you stirs at the scene, and your legs carry you across the room in direction of Matty, not stopping to think for just a second.

Pushing your way through the circle of people surrounding him, muttering quiet excuses as you walk up to the center where he stood, wrapping an arm around his waist. Matty looks at you, and you take the opportunity to kiss him, right in front of everyone. The girl that was coming onto him visibly rolls her eyes, taking a small step back and turning her attention to her drink, downing it.

A smug smile spreads onto your face as he finishes up his story rather quickly, leaving out key details as you impatiently tug on his shirt, urging him to come with you. Excusing himself, he follows you keenly, knowing exactly what got you like this.

The sound of his back hitting the closed bathroom door is loud, the sounds of his slightly tipsy giggles only making you more aggressive, feeling him up as his hands settle on your waist.

"What do you think you're doing, letting her touch you like that?" you voice is harsh as your nails ghost over his neck, tracing down the hollow of his throat.

"Jealous, are we? Didnt take you for the possessive type." Matty's grin is teasing, and he purposely throws his head back, exposing more skin to you.

"Don't act coy, its pissing me off."

"I only have eyes for you, you know that." he puntucates his sentence with a hand on your chest, softly touching your tits over your top. His movements are measured, fluid, and driving you insane.

"She doesn't know that." you hiss, mouthing at the skin of his neck, nipping and biting it. Matty lets out a satisfied sigh, leaning into the familiar sensation. Your hands find his hair, tugging it back in that way you know he loves, a soft moan spilling from his lips.

"Show her who I belong to then, mark me yours." the way he speaks is low, challenging, almost mocking you for your reaction. You shoot him an annoyed look, his smirk only spurring you on. Your teeth graze over his throat, leaving deep purple hickeys all over his neck, no area remaining untouched.

His strained sounds as you get more and more aggressive make you smile, barely giving him time to breathe between hot kisses full of teeth and tongue, directly followed by those same lips back on his skin sucking dark marks into the skin.

The bright light of the bathroom perfectly illuminates your work, the contrast of the hickeys against his pale skin make your breathing get a bit more shallow than usual, a change that doesn't go unnoticed by Matty.

"Enjoying the view?" he sniggers, cocking his head at you. The expression on your face is one he knows and loves all too well. One of lust. Passion. Adoration.

"Cocky." you mumble, trailing your fingers over his collarbones, pressing down lightly, making him hiss in pain, a filthy grin tugging at the corners of his mouth.

"Wanna show me off then, have them all see what you did to me?"

"Don't act like that's only what I want," you pull at his almost fully unbuttoned shirt, toying with the loose buttons. "We both know how much you love belonging to me." Matty goes quiet, his rapid blinking telling you everything you need to know.

"Hm. I need you to answer me, love." you can practically see him light up at the use of the pet name you use sparsely, his eyes soft as he stares into yours, lips parted slightly.

"Yes."

"Yes, what?" You taunt, letting your hands cup his face in a sweet manner, a delicious juxtaposition to the condescending way you're speaks to him. Matty takes a deep breath, his chest rising and falling slowly, tongue darting out to wet his lips. It's rare that Matty gets even the smallest bit shy, but fuck, do you relish in it when it happens.

"I want people to see me, see how you own me." he smiles down at you, his hands gripping tighter onto your waist, pressing your body flush against his. The soft rumble of his voice goes straight to your core, and you clear your throat, much to Matty's amusement.

"I'm yours." he adds, a delicate finger running over your bottom lip, smudging your stick lipgloss. His nails are chipped with purple nail polish, matching his belt perfectly. His fashion sense is one of the things you love about him, not matter how 'odd' or 'girly' other people find it.

"You're mine." you speak softly, the kiss following mirrors the tenderness between the two of you, your lips moving against each other with devotion, hungrily drinking in each others reactions as they came, echoing off the tacky blue tiles of the bathroom wall.

Matty is proud, grinning wildly as you exit the bathroom, his shirt completely unbuttoned, his jeans so low waisted in was bordering on obscene. The looks the two of you got were mixed.

Some people raked their eyes up and down his body, gaze flicking between you and him before it finally clicked, their head quickly turning away from your direction.

George sees you as well, groaning as he spots the obviously fresh hickeys from across the kitchen counter, clutching the liquor bottle in his left hand. Handing you a mystery drink, he says a few words into your ear.

"Do you have to do that here? I dont want to think about you and him getting it on." George visibly shudders at the thought, shaking is head as if to get the mental image out of it.

"Soz mate, but this is payback for having to listen to your relentless shagging on Halloween." A party Matty had thrown months back for Halloween had led to George hooking up with a girl from your form, the walls proven paper thin as everyone had heard everything. You cringe at the memory, the sight of a few hickeys paling in comparison the the torture you had to endure that night.

George rolls his eyes just in time for Matty to pull you away, wrapping a tattooed arm around your waist, playing with the mesh of your his top.

"Alright?" he asks, pressing an endearing kiss to the corner of your mouth, the smell of wine filling your senses. You nod, intertwining your fingers as the two of you wade through the crowd, and you spot the girl from earlier.

Your body moves faster than your head, and you grab Matty's lower back, turning him to face you. You can feel the girl's eyes on you as you kissing him messily, taking his lower lip between your teeth as he gasps into your mouth.

Her footsteps are aggressive as she walks away, muttering under her breath. You smile against Matty's lips, content with yourself. Finally, you let go of him, your hands lingering on his chest as you trace what you left behind, a hazy feeling clouding your mind.

"Got what you wanted?" his tone is provoking as brown eyes find yours, face flushing a gentle shade of pink. The music is muted as everything blurs around you, the only thing worthy of your attention being the person standing right in front of you.

"You know 'm not done yet." you lean in to him, bringing your lips up to his ear, your breath hot against his skin.

"Far from it, actually. I'm going to show you just how much you need me, no matter how convincing your little display of confidence might me, hm?" his breath hitches at your words, his eyes darting around the room at the dozens of people surrounding you, blissfully unaware of the filthy things you're painting his fantasies with, scenes playing out behind his eyes like a film.

"Meet me outside in five minutes. Say goodbye to your little friend for me, yeah?" with that, you leave him standing there, breathing unsteady and knees weak, threatening to buckle under him.

It doesn't take long before you have him shoved up against the hood of some random car, the darkness of the moonless night concealing you. Matty's moans are like music to your ears, your lips against his getting harsher as seconds pass, feeling for like hours.

"Please, take me home. I need you so badly, please darling, i'll be so, so good for you-" you cut him off his a finger pressed to his pretty pink lips. He wants you, he yearns for you. The way his back arches forward at even the slightest tells you everything you need to know.

Who are you to deny him?

[andastartosteerherby]

SVSSS Fic Rec

I'm updating it everyday, because time crunch.

(Mostly Bingqiu/Bingyuan, Unless Tagged)

*Different Endless Abyss

Guess I'll Die - Shen Qingqiu goes to the Endless Abyss.

Speak No Evil - SQQ gives up his voice to stop Endless Abyss. It happens anyway.

*Amnesia

Night of Yearning - Luo Binghe forgets Shen Qingqiu.

*Jinlan City Goes Differently/Different Reunion/Different Rebirth

High Mountains, How I long

Dew Over - Shen Qingqiu is reborn in the mushroom body and tries to live as Peerless Cucumber.

Honesty is Such a Lonely Word - Shen Qinqiu faces the trial, and Old Palace Master uses a truth-finding artefact.

*Time Loop/Time Travel

Just Like A Monkey (I've Been Dancing My Whole Life) - Instead of being reborn after self-destructing, Shen Qingqiu keeps coming back on the Stairs of the Brothel in Jinlan City.

Master of Dual Cultivation Series - Shen Yuan reboots his time in PIDW. He is traumatised and less happy-go-lucky. This one is multi, with Liu Qingge and Yue Qingyuan getting more focus uptill now (in the first two stories) but Luo Binghe is important too.

*Shen Jiu and Shen Yuan

Deluxe System 2.0: Co-op Mode!

Found Brother Shen brothers.

A-Yuan Has at Least Three Friends - Shen Qingqiu turns into a kid with both Shen Yuan and Shen Jiu's memory. They are the same person.

Replacement Head Disciple Shen Yuan - Set after the Abyss, before Binghe's return. Shen Brothers.

*Epic (These fics are longer and plot-heavy, and won a special place in my heart)

You Reap What You Sow - Luo Binghe is the transmigrator. I thought it would be so-so, but turned out to be one of the best ones I've ever read. Also has Shen brothers.

Xiangyang - When you are born as the daughter of your murderer, what do you do? A question for the ages. No active pairing, original LBH and his harem is present.

Uprooted - Shen Yuan transmigrates as a minor villain in PIDW. Except he's not.

To Stem the Coming Tide - Shen Qingqiu learns about Shang Qinghua a bit earlier, and they plot to avoid their fate. No Endless Abyss.

*IWYWMH & Its AUs

I Wish You Were My Husband - The epickest of epics. It produced a number of spin-offs of it's own. Maybe I should put them under separate sub-headings when I have time. Bingqiu main pair, but has past yuejiu and hints of one-sided liushen.

A Wish to Change Fate - A great fanfic to IWYWMH. Shen Yuan is actually Shen Jiu's reincarnation. This fic touched my heart in all the right ways, gave me things I didn't even know I craved. Someday I should write about it in details. Hings of Bingjiu/Bingyuan (since both are the same).

No Wish for the Wicked - Shen Yuan wasn't around to take the place of Shen Jiu. Sad.

*Bingge

to love another (and to learn yourself) - Bingge tries to get his own Shizun and brings a Shen Yuan. Even without his cultivation power, Shen Yuan is not a pushover. Binggeyuan.

How to Train Your Shen Qingqiu - Another piece I ignored for a long time, but turned out to be very good. I need to reread it.

*WIP

I usually avoid wips, but here are some of the best ones I read:

I Was Transmigrated as a Sword (Gen up till now)

Lotus Seeds - Shen Yuan runs away to save himself from the horrible fate of the Scum Villain - to the realm of the Lotus Eaters.

Scum Villain's Book of Prophecy - Shen jiu reads PIDW and learns the future. Original Luo Binghe/Original Shen Qingqiu. Almost finished, epic length.

[i-sveikata]

ik this is not the case in this fic BUT if they were to adopt a kid, what do you think your Vegas would be as a dad? I'm sure he will put an end to generational trauma or.......will he???

Also are we any close to word game??just curious skkssksksk anyways hope you're doing well and get rest too💓

hey anon!!!! yeah not the case for this fic but i defs think vegas would be a good dad even if he'd be a bit chaotic and unhinged. im picturing him as that meme where they've got the one parent cuddling the child on a deck chair and the other parent holding the child upside down by his ankle in the ocean...

vegas would defs be the upside ankle holding in the ocean lmao. tbh when i think of generational trauma i generally think of parents who dont seek therapy after horrible upbringings, doing what they can not to recreate the horrible things inflicted on them but because they've let it all simmer for so long they end up inflicting a different kind of trauma on their children that might not be the same as what their parent did to them but it's still something that fucks the kid up because the parent never learned how to adequately cope with or address their own trauma and that inability to cope ends up creating some serious or mild emotional trauma in the child.

so like if he and pete were to decide to bring a child into the mix i think theyd both get a bit nervous about fucking it up- not wanting to be their dads to the point that- and im assuming pete would be the one insisting here- they finally seek out some kind of professional and traumatise them (because lets be real theyre both unhinged and i dont know how even a professional would handle them lol) with their childhoods to try and find some way to resolve it.

i can also see pete doing a bit of research by picking up books on generational trauma and child abuse and educating himself a bit more so he can understand the most common pitfalls they're likely to face as parents themselves. but tbh petes in a much better place emotionally and mentally with acceptance of his childhood. unlike vegas hes aware that what happened to him was wrong, that he didnt deserve it and that he should have been protected by both of his parents and not hurt by one whilst the other was unable to fully break the cycle of abuse and permanently leave that dangerous environment, taking him with her. so hes learned to let (most of it) go and not take it on as like some failing within himself or some part of his personality thats evil which his parent recognised and was trying to squash out or repurpose into a weapon (hello vegas)

we are!!! i totally just had a look at my word doc, realised ive written a ridiculous amount of words thereby making the chapter wayyyy too long (AGAIN lol) so i'm splitting off the break earlier than i was planning on so i can post (sorry bathroom sex pete and vegas you will always be famous- lmao and also likely to appear next chap now). so i've got like a couple scenes left to fill out and then its word game time!!

ill post it to signal when its starting- likely today or tomorrow and then it will be editing time for me (and sneak peeks for all you lovely readers who send me word prompts whilst im doing so) :)

[silverbladexyz]

Can you do Kaeya with a character who has a traumatic past and like how he comforts them?

Hello there! Thank you for requesting 💗 Reader's past isn't specified, and this is my first time writing for him, so sorry if it's bad :')

The image does not belong to me. It belongs to its original owner.

TW: Mentions of trauma

Kaeya comforting reader with a traumatic past (platonic)

-I think how he comforts you actually depends on how close you are with him

-If you are only acquaintances, Kaeya will most likely offer you some words of support, letting you know that he's more than happy to be there for you even if he didn't know you that well

-But let's say that you are good friends with him. Kaeya as a friend is fun, charming, witty, interesting, and never fails to make you laugh and keep you hooked in a conversation

-It isn't long before he knows nearly all of your secrets; he has a charm that makes people tell him everything without a lot of effort from him. While he may tease you a bit on some of your more embarrassing secrets, he won't use them for any bad stuff

-But one thing you never told him was your traumatic past. While you loved him almost like a brother, there are some things that even the closest siblings don't share with each other. Whenever somebody brought up the topic of your past, you merely deflected the question with a well-constructed lie that pretty much satisfied most people

-Kaeya isn't fooled by your lies; he does the same too whenever his past is brought up. He notices how you slightly avoid eye contact when you lie, and he also notices how your voice wavers just the slightest bit when it is almost unnoticeable

-As we all know, he is an expert at reading people, so after a few interactions and observations, he is pretty much able to deduce that you had a traumatic past of some sort, and you wanted to keep it hidden from everyone else

-He won't ask you or pry too much about your past. He himself had a pretty traumatising one as well, and he knows perfectly well how things like these were preferred to be kept a secret. However, just because you might not tell him doesn't mean that he couldn't do anything to help you. After he's figured it out, he'll just slightly, slightly, be more softer around you, and might even aid you with some more of your stuff

-Kaeya will also spend more time around you too. You were going to take on a commission? Nice, he's going with you too. You needed help? He's there to support you and help you. You needed some advice? Ask no more, because Kaeya is full of some of the best advice in Mondstadt. It is basically his way of telling you that he's there for you, even if it's hidden in the most common actions such as always remembering to check up on you and indirectly complimenting you more as well

-It is most likely you that will tell him about your past, when you are finally ready. You see, even when Kaeya doesn't want to ask you in fear that you'll be upset, part of him is still curious on what had happened to you way before you met him

-So when you finally tell him, he's unusually silent. The teasing and calculating side of him is gone; instead, you see a much softer and empathetic Kaeya, that not even his other friends in the Knights of Favonius had the privilege of seeing

-He is a smooth talker with a silver tongue, yet each word that falls out of his mouth now is genuine. Kaeya still keeps his usual light and clear voice, but it is laced with comfort and love akin to that of a brother

'Hey... I know it's been tough for you. You didn't deserve to go through all of that. Nobody does. But I'm proud of you, you know that? Despite what you've went through, despite having faced all sorts of horrible and unspeakable things, you still fought on. Like a true warrior. And please, talk to me if you are ever in need of a shoulder to cry on or just someone to talk to. Afterall, what am I if I can't even help my dear friend and drinking buddy?~ Alright, jokes aside, what I'm saying is that you don't have to deal with this alone. I'll be here for you, always.'

-He'll lightly put his hand on your shoulder and give it a small reassuring squeeze. His fingers are slightly cold; they're always cold due to his cryo vision, but the smile that he's giving you is warm and gentle

-After that, Kaeya is still his usual self around you, but he is slightly more protective of you. He doesn't want you to go through even more pain that you've already experienced, so safe to say that he'll be hanging around with you more now. Even if he's away for a mission, he'll still ask someone to make sure that you were safe

-His presence was something that you look forward to more everyday now; just knowing that he will always be there when you need him lights a beacon in your once dark world

-You couldn't have met another friend that was like Kaeya. And Kaeya could say the same about you too

So how did I go with writing Kaeya's personality? He's kind of a hard character for me to grasp, but feel free to leave advice for improvement :)

@circinuus @chuuyas-beloved @dazaiyohane @overlysour @i-just-like-goats

[alnstkinkmeme]

Till trauma exploration, sexual/abusive Lukatill, romantic Ivantill, reincarnation AU, angst

tags : ooc (till fucks but for sad reasons), till w a pussy, underage substance abuse, unhealthy coping mechanisms, luka and till hatefuck while drunk and ivan sees the very end of it, ivan kinda suffers too, heavy ptsd, past sa/sexual abuse (in the alnst universe), just more sad the dove has been shot and its not coming back, also mizi suffers a bit too, could also be abo for added suffering (as in when till and luka hatefuck till could be in heat, gets pregnant, and then erases it all while ivan is losing his mind), undealt with trauma everyone was reincarnated, modern times setting. the main four grew up as childhood friends, no memories of alnst, till still has a crush on mizi as a child but realises pretty quickly she's very much into girls when they were all around 13 and found mizi and sua kissing everything goes by fine, nothing out of the ordinary. not until one night when they were second years in high-school where till and mizi both remember everything, and not just remember, they can see it as if it was yesterday. they can feel the sensations. specifically for till, he can see ivans death, smell the rain and feel the kiss he and ivan shared, and worse than that. he can feel what urak did to him, every sensation and smell and touch is fresh in his mind. during alsnt everyone was so on edge wondering if they would make it to the next day, dealing with traumatising situations everyday, so they never really had the time to sit down and process their emotions or trauma. that meant that till was immediately sent into a downward spiral.

it starts with cutting class (ivan notices but doesn't comment), then moves on to worse things fast, smoking, drinking, getting a fake id from luka due to his rich kid bullshit privilege (in exchange for the id he gave luka a blowjob, luka said it as a joke but till ended up doing it). till uses the fake id to go to clubs to try and numb his mind enough to not have thoughts, he loses his virginity to a guy probably old enough to be a slightly young uncle in a dingy bathroom stall. he without realising it sought the horrible feelings arak gave him during his abuse, it was all he knew and it was so fresh in his mind it felt like everything he ever experienced before he remembered immediately disappeared. he continues to sleep around, with both men and women, he felt actual pleasure more so with women as they had the same downstairs equipment so they were able to please him a lot better. he became good at sex, he never fully enjoyed it though, it was simply to numb himself further. ivan notices things pretty quickly, from tills breath smelling like nicotine and cheap booze, to marks all over his collar bones and neck that he tried and failed to cover with bandaids or concealer. the heavy eyebags under his eyes and the biggest thing, him distancing himself from everyone and everything. time skip something something they make it to college, tills behaviour doesn't stop and his friends (mainly ivan) have had enough bystanding and want to stage an intervention. that intervention ends in a lot of yelling, fighting, mizi being completely silent the entire time due to her having a pretty good understanding of why till is doing this (she probably would've spiraled too if she didn't have mizi), hyuna and ivan are having the biggest reactions, ivans mask fully gone and his worry and anger at such a bad breaking point he cant control his emotions. hyuna is pissed in a big sister like way, she's over protective of till and basically is his big sister. somehow some way till ends of physically fighting ivan, hyena tries to get him off and ends up getting elbowed in the face. and luka is just standing there, looking down on till. [Please read the rest on the meme! Tumblr won't post it all]

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[briiightserpent]

I see a lot of people saying they don't understand why orochimaru was pardoned of their crimes at the end of naruto but when you look at the world as a whole, by the standards of the shinobi world they aren't actually that bad.

Now saying this is not justifying their actions but more contextualizing them within the narrative itself and how there is kind of a double standard when it come so them.

Often people will site the fact they have experimented on children while ignoring the fact that the hidden villages do that regularly. Kirigakure experiments on Rin to make her basically a jinchuuriki bomb to set on konoha. The whole process of turning children into jinchuuriki can also be considered that. As well as the incident commonly referred to was following danzo orders, a high up official for konoha. Another thing to consider, tobirama, a hokage, created several forbidden jutsu, in particular the reanimation jutsu. No doubt that took considerable amounts of experimentation to even come up with the concept especially when you consider the reanimated shinobi need a living host.

Another point people will bring up is how they groom children (not for sexual purposes I’m honestly kind of tired of that misconception) to be human sacrifices towards furthering their own life but also to use as weapons. They are all things hidden villages do actively. Children are sent to war. You see what team minato goes through, how these children around 10-12 years old are on the front lines. Once again what Rin goes through is a good example of that. Ultimately these wars are often a power struggle in service of the kages.

Another thing to consider is when and how they grew up. No doubt they would have been very young when the first ninja war occurred. At the same time as all of that, they lost their parents. They didn’t have the parental guidance that Jiraya and Tsunade had. The figure in their life closest to being even remotely parental is Hiruzen, the man teaching them to become a human weapon. That is the whole basis of their childhood. All they knew growing up was being a shinobi.

In addition to that, they grew up when Tobirama was the hokage and while we didn’t see how his rule necessarily went, I believe there’s enough context in the series itself to know how it went. No doubt it was much stricter, no doubt the brutal shinobi code was forced down kids throats way more then it was in naruto era. They are taught from a very young age that life is expendable, that you cannot show weakness, that power is everything while also constantly being scared by death. From what we know the sannin are the only shinobi from konoha during that era still alive. They no doubt watch classmates, mentors, allies die in horrible violent ways during the wars, it traumatised them to the point of being so afraid of death that they will do anything to escape it. This all contributes to their general apathy for those around them.

Judging by how konoha treats anyone vaguely out of the norm in naruto era (take for example how hinata is bullied for being shy and having anxiety by her peers in flashbacks) while also considering the harsher era they grew up in they more then likely suffered greatly because of those around them. They were always different. From the way they spoke, the fact that they are so explicitly queer and most significantly how they look. There is not a single person (besides the women in ryuuchi cave in boruto but that will tie into a theory I have that also contextualizes why they wanted to destroy konoha but I’ll detail in another post later on, regardless I doubt the general konoha population even knows ryuchi cave exists let alone its inhabitants. Anyway that tangent is over) that looks like them. They're no doubt othered and ostracized for things they couldn't change. I imagine they didn't have any friends outside of their team. They were isolated. That solitude no doubt contributed to how jaded they were, their spite for the villages and general anger you see reflected in naruto era. They were so disconnected that it fostered hatred for those that isolated them. Why would they care about those who treated them like a freak?

All of this shaped them into who they are. They are a product of their environment, an environment that consistently committed the very crimes they did. It's why up until the 4th ninja war their world view and perception of life itself is the way it is. All of their crimes are ultimately what they were used to. If anything they are on par with the world around them.

The thing with orochimaru is, a lot of what lies beneath the surface with them is subtext which is why I don't think a lot of people register this kind of stuff. There are a few things they say throughout both naruto and boruto that I think illustrate some of my points.

I think these all serve to further what I'm trying to get across. The emphasis in the first manga cap of them living in an era of conflict and of course their power above all else. The second to show their rejection of villages and how they repress individuality both socially and through the way shinobi are taught to feel. The third with their own struggle with identity likely from both how they grew up, how different they were to those around them physically and mentally (I personally believe they are neurodivergent coded and how that contributes) and of course their struggle with gender that we later see how the recognise that part of themselves in boruto. And of course the last of the caps I think illustrates how they grew up and then lived brought about their darkness. There's a particular line that stuck with me when I was watching the dub (I struggle with keeping up with subtitles so I prefer the dub) where they say they want mitsuki to see the light they never could which of course points to their life and upbringing shaping them to be the way they were.

I think when it comes to speaking about orochimaru there is a lot more nuance that needs to be discussed rather then simply "they did bad things, they are evil" because ultimately the narrative itself is opposing them by the nature of it being centered around konoha and of course by extension the systems of the hidden villages. Naturally it is going to show those villages in a better light then someone who actively goes against those systems but unlike the main akatsuki doesn’t have the luxury of their backstory being shown in full and instead be more something you have to read between the lines.

The way I see things it’s exemplified by considering their stance in the 4th ninja war and boruto that they more occupy a position of neutrality. They aren’t evil, they certainly aren’t good and when you consider the world around them that neutrality is even more obvious. I do also believe that if they didn’t go through all they did and lived in an era of peace like in boruto, they would have been exactly like Mitsuki.

Anywaaaay these are thoughts I’ve had building up for a while. It may not be constructed the best, I’ve never really been good at putting my thoughts to words, just neurodivergent things I guess. But like I think about Orochimaru a lot and considering the fanfic I’m writing analysing their circumstances is something I find a lot of entertainment in. In the end I just want people to understand them more as a character rather then having such surface level takes (thanks tiktok and twt for never having any nuance and leading me to my long winded rambles.

To all that get this far, Thank you for indulging my little orochimaru hyperfixation. It’s greatly appreciated 💖 also sorry for the shitty formatting I did this on mobile.

[decepti-thots]

I had no idea that anything was actually happening with otw but thank you I see this as a sign to start downloading all my fav fics lol

On reflection, I suppose I did make that comment offhandedly without thinking that many people have no idea what I'm talking about- it concerns stuff I suppose falls into that "if you're in circles that know it seems obvious, if not you have no idea it exists" valley.

I should probably clarify that that post wasn't me talking about some imminent risk of AO3 as a platform imploding or disappearing or anything, and nobody needs to start panicking in that regard. I was referring to the current boiling over of a lot of very long term (like, back to when it was founded) institutional/structural/operational issues within the OTW as an org that have been coming out over the past week or so. So me looking at being less solely reliant on AO3 was more a matter of longterm "seems a good idea not to be on just this one platform having these issues" planning and not anything anyone needs to be worried about like, right now.

...and because I know folks not as familiar with this same longterm stuff WILL ask, I'll put a brief summary below the cut for if any of you are curious. However, please be aware, this discussion will by necessity include reference to an incident last year in which OTW volunteers were sent CSEM/CSAM materials as part of a horrendous targeted campaign; while nothing graphic regarding CSA itself is discussed, I mention it here for post filtering and general warning purposes.

So these past couple of months there has been a sustained fan organizing action going on under the name #endOTWracism, which is a specific, targeted attempt at pushing for the OTW to make good on promises they made in 2020 to look at improving their response to racism on their platform. There's an FAQ covering the scope of the action (which ended yesterday, and ran through May) here.

I've been following this with very great interest and it's brought a lot of really good focused discussion out in fan communities, bringing back up a lot of talking points which have historically been shouted down re: the OTW and its poor (one might say "nearly entirely negligent") response to racism in fandom over the span of its existence, and the long standing attempts to get them to address this.

Anyway, one of the posts I especially was recommended that looked at it from the perspective of someone with experience in volunteering and organizing was this post, which takes a look specifically at the issues of how the OTW is structured as an org in a practical, real-world sense. I think it's a great post that brings a really good, grounded approach to the whole issue, looking not just at the big ideas but at how to really run a functioning organisation in a way that is able to be e.g. antiracist. A post like that of course brought in a lot of discussion of... how the OTW is structured and functions day-to-day! That being the topic at hand, and folks wanting to bring their own experiences to the table.

Which, both on that post itself and elsewhere, has uh. Brought some stuff to light that makes even the most hardcore OTW skeptic look like maybe they were overly optimistic. To be quite honest

Some highlights:

Last year, there was a horrendous attack in which OTW volunteers were directly emailed and bombarded with high volumes of CSEM. This was of course horrifically traumatising and scary, and even at the time it was noted that the OTW's response to this was wildly negligent in terms of taking action to safeguard and help their volunteers. Well, it turns out that a) this was an escalation of preexisting issues that the OTW knew about and failed to reasonably address, b) they took a HIDEOUSLY unethical approach to how CSEM distribution attempts were moderated on the platform and just dumped it on one unsupported volunteer who was left horribly burned out by the experience. This post has a good summary and roundup. The fallout from this entire debacle is way too much for me to summarize in full but suffice to say: folks are thinking maybe people should consider not continuing to volunteer for an org that is this unethical and exploitative towards its workforce in a way that directly puts that at serious risk! This is a standpoint I would agree with given there's seemingly also been internal retaliation against the person speaking out! This is terrible! I feel so bad for all these poor volunteers! I have been reading about and fuming regards this situation for two days now and it truly is awful.

There has recently been an instance in which Chinese OTW volunteers got hung out to dry regards their specific work with OTW on Weibo, where it was made clear to them that the org really wasn't interested in any of the work they were doing to engage with and support specifically Chinese fandom. Basically, "we don't really think this is worth doing, and noone involved in the board etc even speaks Chinese, so whatever". This follows an observed and longstanding pattern of higher ups at the OTW undervaluing... basically anyone who isn't part of Western anglophone fandom.

In general, just a LOT of current and past OTW volunteers talking on various platforms about the sheer dysfunction that means things at OTW are deeply incapable of getting basic shit done at best and straight up chew well meaning volunteers up and spit them out at worst. This is basically the nth round of this exact cycle since the OTW began, but in conjunction with the above, it seems to be getting a lot more attention than such things usually do.

This is only some of the stuff that's going on right now but basically, every single issue of internal bullshit the OTW has been accruing as an org for the past ~15 years seems to be blowing up at once, and it's really the first time I've considered that this time it might, in the long run, have a serious impact on the viability of the org in the future. (As things stand: it absolutely should do, because any org that so comprehensively fails the human beings working for it in such an immediate, real life sense needs to make huge immediate changes or fuck right off tbh.)

So that's a bad summary of... SOME of the stuff going on right now. It's a lot. Needless to say.

I wanted to make this post for a couple reasons. One: many folks came into fandom well after the AO3 was just this... site that was there, used by default, and which just sort of operates and you don't think about how. Which is understandable. A person coming into fandom in a post-AO3 world will see the site the same way one sees Twitter or Tumblr or Wattpad; a thing too big and too... default to really concern yourself with the details of how it came to be so big, and used by default. I, personally, have been in online spaces since I was very young, and AO3 launched when I was around sixteen, many years into my experiences with the fandom spaces it came out of. I was around at the time that the OTW and AO3 were proposed, developed and began to expand in scope. I was in circles where folks were talking about this stuff in a very direct way, basically. So I think I have a decent enough sense of context to help lift that veil a little for folks who have no such advantage, and also to help highlight that these are issues years and years in the making, not sudden revelations as they sometimes seem.

Two, because I expect to see many, many folks trying to pass this off as "discourse" or "wank" or "purity culture" in the coming weeks as the fallout continues, and I want dig my ankles in and say if you try that shit on with me I will laugh you off my blog. I think this post makes my opinion fairly clear on where I draw the line between "dumb fandom wank" and "this is not dumb fandom wank, this is serious shit"; it is well before this stuff. So.

tl;dr: I don't know what the OTW will look like in a year or two or five, and this shit has reminded me I shouldn't bank on pretending I do. So, I'm mirroring stuff elsewhere, not because I think the org will collapse, but because maybe the centralization of fandom is overall bad, actually. I encourage folks to consider their own feelings on the topic, since this is as good a reason as any to consider for yourself how you feel about this stuff.

[akaiuchiha]

So, I couldn't sleep so I decided to went through my notes and there was a period when I translated song I liked (english cover for example) and I translated Reason Living at some point (and English cover).

Guys, I think you have no idea how crazy this opening is to me.

(Beware, spoilers ahead, don't read if you don't want to be spoiled)

The symbolism behind it is just awesome.

Dark Era is really one of my favourite arc. It made me cry and grieve FOR MONTHS before I was even able to listen to the opening without wanting to cry.

And I KNOW how BSD works, it's about the characters but also about saving the world and crazy people trying to change everything with the page.

But if you think about it, BSD is also about people finding themselves. I think we can all agree that some characters for whom we got backstories or even explanations DID find themselves are at least, they are going in the right direction (they clearly are not Zoro). And Atsushi is the main character for a reason because he is still finding who he is and why he is worthy.

And Reason Living? It's just pure hope and angst at the same time it hurts. They PLAYED IT while Odasaku was fighting Gide and I HATED that because the irony of it always made me cry. Playing REASON LIVING when Odasaku LOST his reasons to live??? I know maybe he could have try to keep on living because he wasn't alone but that's not the point and I fully understand Odasaku okay. That man lost his ideals, his ideas of a brigther future because of Mori, how was he supposed to react in other ways than wanting to kill Gide?

But playing this song, about not knowing why you are alive, why you should stay alive but still wanting to find a reason, wanting to find hope?? Yeah that was a horrible experience.

This song describes so much characters. We can obviously state Dazai who's still trying to find himself (I personaly think he is about to have his answer in the manga but it's not the topic here), but it also describes Atsushi who is still learning about his ability and how to deal with it and how to deal with his past. Maybe we can also include Kyouka, even Kunikida because I'm quite sure he is as lost as everyone.

They act but they don't know why, they just know they have to and that maybe they'll find why they have to keep on living.

And I swear this opening hit HARD. I never questioned why I was alive, I just want to be alive because I don't like death at all. It's scary and the end of everything so yes, I never thought about it. But this opening? It takes your feelings and crushes them under the pain, the hope, the despair and everything the characters feel.

BSD is really one of my favourite manga and it really hit me how this manga is about people searching themselves and trying hard to create a brighter future.

Yeah, it might be stupid because Reason Living is probably not the only opening talking about all of that, but it's still my favourite out of all of them. Also, it's clearly stated in the title "Bungou Stray Dogs" how the story is not going to be a walk in a park.

And yet, this story is absolutely amazing and the influence of Dark Era, of Odasaku in this universe is crazy because he's not really a good man (this scene in the novel traumatised me, the one with the vacuum cleaner) and his influence is clearly less important than Natsume's, but we can all agree that it is weird how in every universe, he can't live if Dazai's alive.

Anyway, I really went too far, I just wanted to vent about why Reason Living is a really good opening and how soul crushing it felt to hear it during the fight. Even without speaking and understanding japanese, I felt its meaning deep within my soul.

Thank you for reading!

(I'm really sorry if it's seems a bit..weird to read, it's late where I am from (like, 2 in the morning) and my hands were going ahead of my brain).

[unohanabbygirl]

I know this isn’t your style especially considering how happy everyone is in the actual story but No forgiveness!FMN AU! Luke remembers and hates all of the greens and is even betrayed that his own family are ok all these years with the people who are the “direct” reason for Luke not being with them (our boy is traumatised). Maybe like makes them choose or runs away or re-enters the reincarnation machine ( 🤮 😢). Sorry I’ve been reading too much hurt no comfort lately and am curious on how you’d go about it if in an alternate universe that’s where your ideas for FMN went !

I think about this all the time actually lol. With the life he’s endured its pretty much a miracle that Luke still tries his hardest to be a good person as its that not uncommon for the abused to become abusers themselves later on in life.

In a more realistic FMN verse, anger and betrayal would be much more likely considering that the only reasons Luke was born into such horrible circumstances is because of two things #1 being Harwin’s inability to pull out. And #2, that he was murdered by the very man those who claim to love him most have accepted with open arms (never Jace though)

And I’m going to be SO honest here, though Luke has his suicidal ideations from time to time in canon the only reason I chose to not make him actively suicidal by actually making attempts on his own life is because thats a bit too much to handle. Same with physical self harm such as c**ting rather than going down the road of hurting himself with drugs and alcohol. However, I can see that happening in this little au we’re cooking up here.

Once it all comes back to him Luke doesn’t freak out or go off on everyone, but keeps it to himself as he takes a look around the house. Staring at family photos from past holidays and birthdays parties, baby pictures and first day of school photos plastered on the refrigerator doors mixed with those handprint arts in colorful paint from kindergarten. Its a life so full of happiness and love, as if his presence being missing wasn’t even a concern. Replaced with those that were the reason for his past death.

Luke decides to skip out of town and has a few last days of partying. Going back to his old ways just to clear his mind of all the hurt before throwing in the towel. Even in his last moments Luke dosen’t want to be a burden to anyone so he chooses a less messy way to go out. Making sure to leave his note on the dirty motel nightstand. Its messy, sloppily written as he’s half drunk and coming down from a nearly fatal high. But he’s able to get everything out, making sure they know the only reason he’s taken this route is because of their own mistakes. Shoving their happy lives in his face with expectations that he’d actually be happy to be family with the greens after everything they’ve done.

His body isn’t found until weeks later, weeks of the entire Kings Landing police department searching for him. They go over the note but they can’t understand it as it seems to be in a different language. It’s not until they leave the hotel with his body on a gurney and a solemn look does Rhaenyra break down. Unable to function as Daemon is handed the note, ears welling in his eyes as he reads his sons every pained word in their ancestral language.

From then on I could see a few chapters written from everyone’s pov’s as they get a chance to read Luke’s last words and their lives fall to pieces. Its very clear that Luke wanted them to feel his pain and he accomplished his mission.

[consumed-by-fandom]

DIDude relationship dynamics. If you care. /lh

[For the peeps who are unfamiliar with my au, D=P1, Dude=P2, and Alt=P3]

D and Dude are dependant on each other full stop. D craves Dude’s ability to seem unfettered by the violence that surrounds them, but equally despises how Dude brings that chaos to them in the first place. He’s risky with seemingly no regard for the system and it pisses D off so much. But at the same time he constantly needs Dude to protect him from the shit they’re surrounded with and to slap some sense into him when his delusions get the better of him. And Dude just… doesn’t understand D At All. He’s stuck in his own perspective of the world and he wants D to see it through his eyes so badly but his way of doing that does nothing but hurt D (a trait that gets passed on to Other Dude when he gets split off). He’s just constantly confused as to why D keeps getting angry at him, and he treats him terribly but he doesn’t want to deep down. God knows he cares so much for D to the point its painful, but he sees showing even the slightest vulnerability to be a sign of weakness, a sign that he can be taken advantage of. Has this horrible connection between being emotionally honest and being hurt.

Rip all that away though and they both absolutely adore each other deep down. D has a softness that both disgusts and endears Dude and he can’t help but crave that attention and affection when its given to him. Being trusted or told he’s doing a good job breaks him to his core. And D really looks up to Dude and how he will always try to protect them, and D would do the same for him. They both need each other too much and hate how they handled things last time (Postal 1)

Alt tends to act as a middle ground to facilitate between their arguments and how they act towards one another, and if they just sat down and tried to talk things out they’d probably never let go of each other ever again. There’s the potential to get along really well, but they’re also severely traumatised and have terrible ways of coping with that.

Speaking of Alt, in general he acts like a bit of a caregiver to them both, being the most mature out of all of them despite being the youngest system-wise. Being split with shallow emotions and holding Dude’s memories he’s a little more favourable towards Dude to the point of kinda being more than a little into him. He thinks his recklessness is cute. He’s a little silly. He’s got a weird way of deciding when to be the rational thinker and when he just wants to complete a goal in the most violent way possible. It’s not that he’s aching to get into trouble, he’s just more focused on getting the task done that a few rolling heads are just “casualties”. Bearing all this in mind though he usually tries to be both the angel and devil on Dude’s shoulder to varying effects. Shows his affection by being the more irritable son of a bitch in the world. He’s confusing. But he’s understandable once you actually give him the space to be honest about why he does the things he does, and he usually has Dude’s best interests at heart.

Dude can’t decide whether or not he wants to choke him to death or make out with him. Alt confuses him too much and he doesn’t like it.

He’s far more gentle with D on the other hand, though he doesn’t speak to him as much since D rarely wants to front, he’s able to calm him down enough to not freak out and have a breakdown on the worser nights. Very much cares for him though as to why even he doesn’t really understand. D still doesn’t fully trust him because he’s still this intruder who showed up one day, and it took D basically 15+ years to stop calling Dude a demon. But sometimes Alt gives him the comfort he usually craves from Dude and its more than enough to develop a fond opinion of him. They’ve talked a lot when they got the chance. They’re… close to an extent, Rarely gets pissed off at Alt.

Ugh I love these dysfunctional weirdos lmao

[as8bakwthesage]

Why Endo Exclusion from DID/OSDD Spaces Is Actually Fine

I think it’s important to discuss syscourse (system discourse) with nuance at times.

One of the most mind-boggling things is when traumagenic systems (aka the only real way to be a system) want to allow self proclaimed endogenic systems in DID/OSDD communities when really it should be the opposite.

For the sake of argument, I’m going to use very specific terminology to describe ppl with DID/OSDD and people who claim to be endos, so mind that.

Ppl with DID/OSDD, aka people who are Plural via the means of repeated childhood trauma and who experience some form of amnesia, are traumatised. We’re disordered, we have a mental disorder that can often times hurt us in social settings. Memory problems can cause alters not to know what’s going on if they front out of nowhere. And the frequent dissociation isn’t fun either.

While having DID/OSDD isn’t the worst thing in the world and there are a lot of negatives, it’s not a completely horrible experience. While my system gets along and functions relatively well, that wasn’t the case in the past. But now we actually have integrated pretty well.

(When I say integrated, I mean that we didn’t merge or become one person, I mean that we have less stress and amnesia between switches and also we’re healthier as a result. That’s what integration actually means, not merging.)

But people who are endogenic, from my experiences in their communities, are decidedly not traumatised. Some of them could certainly be traumagenic and not even be aware of it (because, hey, that’s what OSDD/DID is supposed to do - protect you from horrible memories in childhood), others are not. These others are usually people who have a high number of introjects that come from fictional characters (aka fictives) but, according to them, the reasons for why they are plural is because of non-traumatic reasons (ie. spiritual practices, some form of tulpamancy (which is contentious in its own right), etc.)

As a result, people who are endos do not have the same experiences as people with DID/OSDD. And that’s perfectly fine.

It’s perfectly okay to have your own experiences that you can’t fully explain in a medical diagnosis. I would still ask that you go and speak to a psychiatrist about it, but your experiences are your own, no matter who are you on the Plural scale.

However.

This does not mean it’s okay for endos to claim terms and want spaces in DID/OSDD spaces. You inherently do not have DID/OSDD, you do not have our experiences, and as has been demonstrated in the past, endos who want to wiggle their way into our spaces and who therefor spread misinformation about DID/OSDD experiences and terminology can and do hurt our community.

And before someone comes at me with “you sound like a truscum” -- being trans is not a mental illness. And while there are legitimate issues in the fields of psychiatry and psychology excluding POC and minority folks out of proper help and statistics, this is not a case of exclusion.

A trans woman is a woman because she is a woman. Her gender is her gender. But someone who is endogenic does not have DID/OSDD (*unless your trauma is really well hidden) and that is the issue here. You cannot claim to have DID/OSDD or any of the terms associated with it because you, by your own admission, are not part of that community, you do not that that mental disorder.

“But trans people experience dysphoria and that’s a disorder!”

Actually, it’s not. The NHS literally says, if you google “is gender dysphoria a mental disorder?” the first thing that pops up is an article by the NHS that literally says “Gender dysphoria is not a mental illness, but some people may develop mental health problems because of gender dysphoria.“

But ultimately, being trans is not about gender dysphoria or mental illnesses. They can exist side by side due to external factors like oppression and lack of acceptance, but being trans is ultimately about gender euphoria. The good feelings you get when you are gendered correctly, the happiness you feel to exist as your true self.

So if an endo or anyone wants to use the “truscum” argument with me, you are just wrong. No two ways about it, it’s just wrong and inaccurate.

And while I personally am suspicious of endogenic plurals, that is only because of people who are endos trying to get into communities where their experiences are not the same as mine or many people like me. We’ve been traumatised because of it and I know others who have been too.

You can exist and your experiences are valid, but due to our very different experiences living as plural people, I’d much rather you don’t try to be involved in DID/OSDD spaces because they just aren’t suited to you. Same with me. I don’t get involved in your community or say I’m a part of your community. I think we can definitely learn from and talk to each other, but we are verrryyy different in many important ways.

Let’s not pretend that you and I are the same.

[riastarthe]

i am proceeding with the rotten work of writing a story where the US military is hyperpresent and so is transness, and transness under surveillance and scrutiny by the military, not permitting it but observing it...

and trying to make it really clear that the US military is a structure beyond like normal livable gender. it can create gender(s) internally, thru its machinations, but it isn't a neutral abider of gender— the US military is an unnatural force, transing your gender is very natural and even if it wasn't, it is a neutral thing or force for good, it is by definition life-creating and life-preserving. i worry about it because of the same dumb old bullshit about masculinity being inherently toxic and masculinity being a "show your work" kind of thing where you have to prove you've dismantled and disarmed and disavowed all the trappings of whatever the Fuck the world believes masculinity to entail... but i'm writing about very traumatised very autistic people in specific environments who are scraping themselves together in the ways they can, totally separate from these other gender mythologies... i find it incredibly tiresome to litigate and negotiate maleness like it's a sin that must be cleansed in front of an audience or else it never happened, and yet to embody anything less than the disgusting cruel monster people expect means you're a dumb fucking faker too scared to wrestle with the implications of your desire.

but anyway. i've come up with something that's almost too fucking sad to bear aaaaaaungh!!!! i'm like a hellraiser guy trying to find new titillating avenues for pain and now i've done it and perhaps i've strayed too far... Because what i've done here is given myself room to project on both father and son which is horrible simply horrible. ten years ago i thought i'd have kids and gave myself a cutoff which i passed 5 years ago. insane. totally arbitrary.

also, in my thing, the military is also represented by a woman, a mother. mother is authority, a betrayer, mother is a position of power and power can mother a person— for a price. she owns you, she moulds you. certain types of people including certain types of women can thrive in a system that necessitates pushing other people down in order to maintain their own safety. happens all the time. once you reach a certain height, gender ceases to be of real concern, and far down below, in the most intimate of settings, pain and abuse can feel genderless too if the same effect is felt regardless of who deals it. idk. it's hard for me to imagine gender as being as universal an experience as the experience of all-consuming militarism, the grind of the machine. gender seems so much more relative to me, but anka says maybe 5 other people on the planet might agree and that's it LOL.

(which isn't to say i don't believe in patterns of gendered violence!!!! like i get it! but when transness is part of that i think it becomes more complicated to gender that violence... or well, gender yourself within it as a victim/survivor, and even understand how gender affects the perpetrator...)

i keep deviating from the point. what i'm TRYING TO SAY, if you EVEN CARE, is that writing about a trans fatherhood denied, and the grief of basically being removed from fatherhood by the state which wants to raise your kid as its agent, is so hard on my little bitch heart it's agony!!! i love it but it fucking sucks!!

[itsxharris]

Despite being out cold from pain, she would have sworn she could feel Joel, or at least feel him placing a wet piece of fabric against her head; and making her comfortable. Her unconscious mind drifted to all kinds of horrible memories, of her dad, the death of her mother, sister and then grandfather. She mumbled incoherently, stirred a little physically but otherwise nothing to indicate it was intense. They were old wounds after all so they didn’t tend to haunt her as badly as they once had. It was when her mind reminded her of the fresh wound that was her brothers death, that’s what caused the most reaction. She’d continually mumble “Ryan” and that in turn would turn into some twitches of her arms or legs. At the point in her nightmare where her brother died, she all but cried out for him, yelled out his name. Broke out into colds sweats and began tossing and turning, reaching out to grab at his hand that wasn’t even there. At least until the nightmare traumatised her enough to zap her awake.

Harris couldn’t tell if she’d been out for minutes, hours or even days, she only knew that pain was still burning through her. The intensity has lessened at least, eyes a little blurred in their vision when they opened, but she was alive. That was that Hail Mary of it all. It took a good few minutes for her to gather her surroundings, for her eyes to focus and realise what she’d been staring at was the ceiling. Sitting up was hard but she knew they’d already delayed their journey because of the initially gash, so she was eager to make the time back. “How long was I out?” She asked when she finally turned her head and caught sight of Joel. She found her blade discarded on the floor by her mattress and stowed it back away in its sheath on her hip. There was a sort of comfort being with Joel, mostly she put it down to not being alone, having someone that she trusted to have her back.

She’d been alone maybe six months when she’d initially met him, it was hell, always having to watch your back. Enough to almost drive someone to complete paranoia. So she made sure to remind herself that she was mostly ok, long as Joel was around. “Thanks, for having my back and patching me up.” She took a few steady mouthfuls of water from her canteen and then set it back down, only to pull the hem of her shirt up to take a look at her wound. It looked as angry as it felt too, knowing she’d probably have to get anti biotics and some decent gauze sooner rather than later. An infection now was better treated a whole lot sooner, otherwise it was nearly unbearable, almost unsurvivable too was her viewed perspective. That was another thing about the apocalypse, things that never presented as a threat for death, were now everywhere. You couldn’t chance a damn thing, that mixed with the threat of the infected, really did make it a ‘survival of the fittest’ world and mindset.

Her hand was tight along the bridge of its knuckles, completely understandable given the anger she’d so brutally unleashed on the raider. It wasn’t nearly as bad as she initially thought it would be though, a little bruised and swollen, some little cuts along the bridge line, but nothing that would indicate a break or fracture; a win if she said so herself. “We probably shouldn’t stay too much longer, figure that those raiders were probably just a small patrol out on a supply run and if that’s the case, gonna be a whole lot more of them that come looking when they don’t hear back from their guys.” The brunette took a hold of Joel’s hand, observing it the same way she did hers to make sure he hadn’t broken anything in his struggle earlier, the both of them needed a damn break, without the threat of survivors or infected trying to kill them at every turn. “Should probably bandage it up, don’t think it’s broken but it’ll help bring down the swelling at least.” She was careful to brush her thumb across a particular cut right on the top of one of his knuckles, getting a feel to make sure it wasn’t too deep or wouldn’t continue to just reopen and bleed anytime it got slightly bumped.

itsxharris​:

Harris was stubborn, probably the most stubborn of her family, not that any of them were left anymore, but it still showed. However stubborn, she didn’t have the energy on fighting Joel on letting him help her, so she sat down and raised the right side of her shirt again. Her jaw visibly tightened upon contact of the wipe, she’d forgotten how much that had hurt, then again, it was her first major injury in the longest time. “Joel, stitching it is going to be pointless. We still have two or three days left to go, you said so yourself.” Her hand pulled the knife back from her hip, openly holding the blade over the still crackling fire they had going, eyes focused as the silver of its steel became angry and red. “The stitches will just come loose and fall out with all the movement and walking. So the only real options is that you take this knife and when I tell you to, you press the blade flat against the cut until it’s seared shut.”

Was it an ideal decision with no sort of lotion or anti biotics to deal with it afterward? Absolutely not. But it beat the latter decision of him leaving her behind or her bleeding out because the stitches came loose. Her gaze lifted to catch Joel’s and for a split second she swore she saw worry and hesitancy in his golden brown hues, but he knew as well as she did that if it meant surviving, that it had to be done. The brunette handed him the knife and then laid down on the mattress, it was a one attempt to get it right situation because of the damn pain and risk it came with. One hand gripped the edge of the mattress beneath her and the other in her shirt, keeping it bundled above the gash so he could do what he had to.

“Ok, ok, do it, just get it over and done with.” The second she felt the knifes blade press against the gash, her teeth grit, jaw clenched and her eyes squeezed shut. Even if they were sheltered safely inside she still knew they had to be reasonably quiet, so she did her best. Holding her breath as her hand flew to his forearm where it gripped tight, an attempt at keeping herself grounded to consciousness, also a sense of reassurance. She opened her eyes on stuttered breaths to see if the steel blade had seared enough to close the wound. “Ok….ok it’s done… it’s done.” Yet she still kept a firm grip on the sleeve of his shirt when the blade moved away, panting in short spurts to try and get her breath back, to focus on anything except the pain that quite literally was burning through her entire body. It was the kind of pain that was intense, made you feel nauseous and light headed and eventually the shock took over and her eyes fluttered shut, the adrenaline long gone to the pain that caused her to finally pass out.

Joel could see that Harris was just as stubborn as he was and he was relieved when she came to her senses. As she pulled up her shirt and revealed the severity of the injury, he wasted no time in cleaning it with the sanitising wipes. He knew how painful it was as the disinfectant stung into the open wound, he had experienced the same sensation many times before. It was always Tess who had tended to his injuries when he had been hit back as hard as he gave it; though usually in the end he was on the winning side. Joel noticed the brunette slip her knife from her pocket and realized instantly what her intentions were as she held it against the dying flames of the fire. She didn’t have to explain herself but Joel listened nonetheless. He wasn’t exactly pleased about the situation, thought, thankfully, he had experience of this procedure before. Living through twenty years of a post-apocalyptic world made you more than acquainted with DIY medical intervention; be it as a patient or ‘doctor.’

Joel was hesitant to take the blade, but catching the look in the woman’s eyes he knew arguing would get him nowhere. She had made her decision and he knew in his heart that it was the correct one. There was no other way, no matter how far from ideal the situation was. He watched Harris lay down and grip the blow up mattress, preparing herself for the pain. Joel looked at the metal to make sure it was glowing hot enough and eyed her wound carefully to plan his strategy. Taking a deep breath, he firmly pressed the poker hot metal again the woman’s fair skin; the wound underneath covered by the metal. He could feel Harris’s hole body tense up in pain, fighting the urge to push him away. He hated every second but he knew he was doing this for her best interest and because she asked him to. He felt her hand grip his arm; her nails kneading the fabric of his shirt in agony. She looked as though she might pass out.

At her sudden pleading, he removed the knife, revealing the closed wound; a hint of smoke escaping the chard skin. The smell of burned flesh making his nose scrunch up. The woman still gripping his arm, he threw the knife to the ground and held her up with both arms. Her brow was full of sweat, her skin ghostly pale. She looked as though she had been dragged through hell. Joel could see what was coming before she did, her eyes rolled back into her head and she passed out cold, the shock of the pain too much. He couldn’t blame her; he knew had bad it felt and he knew it had to feel worse when it was on your stomach. Gently, he lay her back down on the mattress, propping her head up with the make-shift pillow. At least now she couldn’t feel the pain. He placed a cool wet piece of fabric against her forehead and went back to tending to the fire, the brunette’s blade no longer glowing red still laying on the ground beside him.