#its on tuesday but i genuinely. dont know how i am going to study for this one since the subject matter is so fucking dull

[lwieserce]

I am about to have the worst exam of my life and its for a subject thats worth 2 ects AT MOST

[kurthorton-moving]

okay this morning i have to go to the library and make a cv and print some government documents and be full of anxiety lets go

[kygerbearr]

getting into high-end ff14 content made me realize 2 things.

1). many people who have particular responsibilities have NO business with them

2). apparently i'm a fucking genius when it comes to shit because i can watch a short guide and understand what to do while everyone else apparently needs several days worth of catch up to do one of the most basic be-here-then-go-here shit on the planet. i have never been more frustrated with humanity. i am so tired. everyone i meet is either someone who takes thing too seriously and has zero skills to back it up or there's people with a wife and kids and a 9 to 5 job and a mortgage who come home from work and are somehow fine with doing MORE work dealing with people who dont know their fucking job and everyone is managed by someone who's an absolute pushover and still expects to be the "leader"

like i don't consider myself very smart. everything in this game appears to be very easy, i don't struggle with any of it, i don't understand how all of these seemingly normal people can struggle so hard with mechanics that have been reused over and over with a new coat of paint, and I feel guilty even suggesting its easy because of how hard everyone makes it out to be

do not believe anyone when they say ff14 is hard. it isn't. it's one of the easiest games i've ever played, i have never felt personally challenged by something in it and the only difficulty i'm having is being around dipshits who somehow don't understand how something works. i feel like i'm in a classroom full of people who showed up to the exam without studying anything and it's like they expect a clear just for showing up. buddy, this fight has so much personal responsibility that if you don't figure your shit out, the WHOLE CLASS fails, and you can't move on until you pass.

and i KNOW its easy because I made my OWN group out of frustration and we cleared THE FIRST DAY WE STARTED RAIDING. the VERY FIRST DAY. I have been with this other group for MONTHS.

this group cannot handle clockwise and counterclockwise somehow. there are markers on the floor arranged in a clock. it got to the point where I had to suggest that people look for a particular number and rotate towards it, and somehow, everyone STILL messed it up.

not only that, but in this group, any time I try to express something that goes against their ideology either the leader gets on my case or one of the members gets on my ass. just the other day I had this fucking asshole who was running shield healer who WASNT APPLYING SHIELDS?? during PROG??? and when I said "hey can we get shields" he was like "no we're good" we were dying. bodies on the floor right in front of him.

so I asked why. his argument? we cant have shields. it would mess up his gcds. I have CLEARED THIS FIGHT ALREADY, AND WITH SHIELD HEALER. so I know we can have shield for Every raidwide. and when I tried to explain how, he got angry and was like "no the fuck we cant and i will NOT have someone micromanaging my gcds" buddy my friend is dead on the floor right there and it's your fault

we proceeded to not hear from him the following week. essentially no-call-no-show but for a videogame and not a real job. whatever, not my problem. just meant I could be shield healer. and that day went super well! we had prog. i was healing. we didn't die outside of people failing their personal responsibilities.

i mean it when I say I genuinely don't enjoy the game anymore. I'm so exhausted from dealing with people who don't give a shit and aren't trying hard enough, are too stubborn to do anything different and hate it whenever I do anything whatsoever that goes against their agenda. it's not a team at all, it's a fake ass leader who can't lead with followers who are so fucking mindless braindead that they think they can mindlessly follow this failure of a leader into a clear for a fight they've been stuck on for THREE MONTHS STRAIGHT.

it takes up so much time out of my week (3 hours on both monday and tuesday so back to back, very exhausting, reminder i dont like these people because they treat me like shit and simultaneously I'm the only person who cares about what we're doing) and there were times where I legitimately would've preferred working (which i cant do while playing this game) and man I hope they get rid of me because my martyr complex keeps me from leaving them until we clear the fight

don't play final fantasy 14 it's not fun it's not worth it and if you do then dont talk to anyone. i legit only have fun when its with my friends and I have yet to meet a person on 14 I could make any sort of meaningful connection with. they're all so normal feeling, they're always like 5 years older than me and it freaks me out, I don't fit in, I don't belong there, and I don't want to stick around in a place I don't feel I belong in. the ONLY good thing about the game is that I can play as a big kitty cat

[toxicsamruby]

i am in love with the mystery spot episode... what takes do u have on it

i think a lot of my issues w mystery spot is just personal taste..but i will tell u anyway cuz thats what i do 

the concept is absolutely perfect. like literally start to finish i would not change the plot of the episode EXCEPT for the fact that sam knew bobby was the trickster. but aside from that very small edit im completely obsessed w the concept.

the execution...it falls so miserably flat for me. they were so preoccupied w making the Dean Dies 10000 Times In A Row thing into a funny joke that it totally ruined both the pacing and the tone. like we’ve been laughing at dean getting crushed by a piano for 25m and now, w 15m left in the episode, we’re supposed to take seriously that it was traumatizing? come on. and i think extreme tone switches like that ARE possible and can work really well but like...they didnt pull it off? they spent so much time on the 10000 tuesdays joke that by the time we get to the part of the episode that’s supposed to be a serious character study of sam, there’s only 15m left! they have to effectively switch the tone, display the real despair and hopelessness of six months alone, show how he’s become callous and cruel by himself, deliver the thesis statement of the episode, and revert back to normalcy/conclude. in fifteen fucking minutes. im not sure the most talented director in the world couldve pulled that off. they depend on montages and bobby’s 😧 face to tell us how far sam’s fallen, instead of actually giving this part of the episode the space it needs to breathe, and SHOWING us how far sam’s fallen. i know what you did last summer did a better job of this.

and thats the most frustrating thing is that the concept of mystery spot is so so so so so fucking good like it hits all the boxes for me like it’s explicitly about cycles and helplessness and being caught in an endless loop of violence and having absolutely no idea who you are WITHOUT that endless loop of violence. it had the potential to be one of the best sam centric episodes in the entire show bc it couldve genuinely explored what it meant to sam to be well and truly trapped in this family story again after he’d been completely Out only two years before, and maybe even given him a chance to Say something about that. but they were soo fixated on all the silly jokes and the comedic tone of the first half hour that the serious and substantive character study that the last 15m was supposed to be felt completely hollow bc it was rushed and all tell-not-show.

its sort of part of a bigger trend in the show of like. They’ll tell u all kinds of crazy shit but there’s no consistency in how serious we take that shit so we just have to wait for the show to decide when we’re gonna be serious. like when ur building up to a big sudden tone switch u dont do that by saying “hey u know what we’ve been calling a joke for the last 25m? that was actually really traumatizing! and now we’re going to move ahead accordingly.” that’s lazy, bc they didnt do any of the work in the first part of the ep to show that sam was being traumatized. he’s irritated and exhausted, yeah, but it’s all kind of funny and lighthearted. then they pivot, and the EXACT thing we were laughing about 2m ago is now serious and sad, and WE as the audience are supposed to do all the work and speculate about how fucked up it was for sam. and the audience did do that work! thats why theres a million and one mystery spot fics on ao3. but the episode itself....pure laziness. it doesn’t really drive home how helpless sam feels in this endless and circular family tragedy, it doesn’t truly establish how deeply sam will be changed by being unable to save dean (since he kills bobby KNOWING its not really bobby!), and it doesn’t give us any meaningful development or insight into sam as a character. its literally just Hey, wouldnt it be fucked up if THIS happened? Which is closer to an episode of the twilight zone than it is an episode of supernatural centered on sam and his relationship to dean.

[tylerwritez]

Tuesday, june 22 2021

I've noticed I'm getting "the shiverys" or "the twitchy" a lot today. Like every time I FEEL something I take a moment to violently tic.... every time I think about certain things I tic.... good things, bad things, things from an hour ago and things from years ago. Tic, tic, tic.

Also, I have... some stuff to explain. Its really no big deal, but you know me: I'll freak out about it anyway. Basically I dissed my friend (rightfully so) around the time that we had just met cos they did something that threw me off.

He saw it in my phone... NOW. it's not RELEVANT anymore and I've since redacted that criticism...and now I gotta explain it to him anwyays. Oh well. I'm good at this stuff. I can get myself outta any situation. I dont even know why I'm talking like this tho... it's not a "Situation" it's just smthn I gotta explain rq.

Oh, today's song recommendation is Spirit Crusher by Death. I'm a huge Death fan...

Also! I gotta study... for my replacement exam. How stressful. Its about photosynthesis, but like, it's not simple. We went DEEP inside those fucking leaves.

One sec, lemme hook up my IV tube

Not an ACTUAL IV tube... just my headphones. But since I'm so #emo, it might as well be a fucking IV tube with the way that I cant live without it.

Its 3:08 and I'm walking home now. I was upset last night but me and Star have made up now lol... it was thAt easy. I'm so defective, making shit hard when it doesnt need to be.

It's so hot out damn. Idk. I had school today, so I had Bio class... I ACTUALLY PAID ATTENTION for once. I had lunch with Star and her friend group, and I honestly kinda feel like they're MY friends now too, even just a little bit.

Actually, I used to rant about feeling lonely like all the time but now I have so many friends it's crazy they all keep inviting me places and it's like people WANT ME AROUND... idk. It makes me happy.

Today I gotta ask if tommroow after school I can go to Bee's house to watch Supernatural (famous homoerotic ghost show)

I should also add songs to Erin's spotify playlist for our picnic saturday which I still need permission to go to.

I gotta ask for Wednesday after school to watch Insidious with Jay  which is apparently really good

Also hes the friend that I gotta explain stuff to... the DrAmA... the ThEaTrE....

Update my dad said yes to hanging out with Bee but first I'm gonna miss school to fix my broken brackets on my braces

Also turns out the house I THOUGHT we were moving into has substantial damage from shifting so... we aRENT moving there.

In case you didn't know, shifting is when like the house that's been built literally SHIFTS like it moves around.

Anwyays Jay just texted me... I'm gonna change into shorts since it's hot, set up my study area,.... and respond to him.

The time is 3:22 p.m.

Wish me. Luck.

Luck is plentiful! As it so often is in my risky, risky life.

I play my cards right. It's a learnt skill.

But also there wasnt much to explain since it passed already and was tiny anywyas.

XD so I've made up with the whole goddamn world by now.

Its 6:31, we saw 1 house. Only one. Its kinda hot out but I'm gonna bike now since we just had supper. I finally finished my homework... I just have to finish one mixed media piece as my final project for art!

Friday is my replacement. On photosynthesis and cell resp. We know this. But what I didn't mention, or I dont THINK I did, is that if I finish my art project before then I have the second block FREE!!! Me, Star, and her friend

A are planning to leave for second block and maybe get mint chocolate chip ice cream!

Also I might eat her out XD

Anyways idk. I hope I can bike tonight to call Jay.

I keep accidentally using people's real names here then having to correct it... I dont know how much i care about MY identity being discovered... but to have my friends doxxed would suck.

Man I feel bad abt saying fuck star last night cos we made up....

Wait we r looking at another house? Idk I'm in the car still waiting to go home

Oh wait no now we r goin home

Its 6:39... I hope I still have time.

I went biking, called Jay. Went home. Idk, friendly conversation... we talked more tonight and I also talked to my other friend A. Jay is... I LOVE HIM?? SO MUCH??? I feel so happy. Talking to him thinking about him seeing his STUPID FUCKING FACE JESUS. his eyes alone... I could stare at his face all day probably. I want to kiss him... hOLD HIS HAND... omg... huG HIM!!! Eofjwpxjwie he's so sweet like I can't even... and I'm proabably not good enough for him like. Wtf. Hes easily a 10. And I dont rate things outta 10. How tf do I end up with HIM? Doing stuff, as friends. Like wHAT. I guess I got lucky XD. He says he loves my personality and I'm hot XD ofc I dont see it myself. But like. JESUS CHRIST he could proabably easily pull whOever. XD me?

Whatever though. As long as we r together and stuff. I LOVE HIM A LOT. he said he loved me. Every time he says that it makes me so overly happy.

Maybe I'm just sappy and stuff.... whatever. I think it would be nice to be hugged by him.

Yeah I'm cheesy.

I'm sorta tired now so maybe I'm not writing the best.

I just keep thinkinf about love. Love is a muscle of evil suggestion. But how evil can it really be? I am just a human being and that is all. Everything else is applied. I am just a human being with soemthing in my heart that pulls me all over the place. Love is this strange thing because I'm fucked up and to be able to love without that fucked up part of me, without the damage... is this complicated, hard thing to do and I can NEVER tell if I'm doing it right but I know I'm DOING IT. I know I FEEL LOVE. And soemtimes it's such an intense thing like when you go to surf on a wave at the beach with ur belly but u hit it wrong and it's so big and overwhelming it washes over you and PULLS you down to the bottom and smushes your face into the sand and YOU CANT BREATHE jesus Christ it's like that.

Or maybe I just want to experience love as it should be felt.

Obviously all of my problems surrounding this Damage could be easily fixed if I went to therapy but. there are reasons I can't.

I LOVE a lot. Too much for my own good. Enough to hurt me, get me into trouble, etc etc but also... enough to liberate me. I LOVE. I love Jay. So much. LIKE. MY BRAIN ORBITS AROUND HIM CONSTANTLY THINKING OF HIM AND PRAISING HIM AND MWUAH HE IS SO LOVELY I BOW BEFORE HIM...

I think as much as I love, a lot of the times I tend to focus even more on BEING loved.

If I am told I am loved, and shOwN I am loved... it is one of the most powerful things. Especially since I was literally emotionally neglected in childhood... yeah. I feel like I'm always trying to fill that hole.

Not EVERY feeling I have is for that reaosn but sometimes, if you tell me you love me, show me you love me, hug me,... I'll like start crying,,, that's the childhood emotional neglect kicking in. If you call me #smol and #cute and say I look young and fragile which happens more often than you'd think XD, I know I'm not supposed to like that shit, so I act like I dont....but I do. Which is PROBABLY ALSO THE CEN 🤪  like whatever lol

Anwyays I'm fucked up

You see how quickly things become complicated in my mind?

Convoluted? Is that the word?

Whatever. I OVERCOMPLICATE THINGS COS I OVERTHINK THEM BECAUSE I'm LITERALLY MENTALLY ILL IN SO MANY DIFFERENT WAYS. I'm not joking. I obviously have unresolved undiagnosed "issues"

I do Suspect things, though.

I can make a list

Maybe I shouldn't.

Maybe I will.

I shouldnt.

Whatever.

I used to hate when people brought up my self harm. I would actually panic. I still self harm but now? Now I'm fine with anyone  talking about it as long as it's not an adult who can get me into trouble/force me into therapy over it. Because really? I kinda like having it mentioned. It's kinda validating and it's like hey... people can see that I'm sick.

I dont do it so people talk to me about it though. Dont get me wrong. If I did, I'd go vertically on the arms, not for suicide but so it healed and people would ask XD.

My scars are actually VERY hidden... cos I never intended for ANYONE to see. But for those who DO see them,,,, it's nice soemtimes to have people express concern.

I dont wanna be PITIED or anything, but idk I just think to myself "wow, they're CONCERNED... about ME... they arent angry or mean... they didnt yell at me or threaten me... they respect my autonomy and privacy...

And they CARE ABOUT ME..." and it makes me cry.

That's also the CEN.

I dont know. I just like when people express genuine concern. Even if they see and then just ask if I'm okay. That's all it takes cos then I go wow.

Its validating and irs lovely because finally people care... FINALLY PEOPLE CARE. FINALLY I GET SOME EMPATHY OR SYMPATHY AND NO ANGER.

Even just having them brought up tells me its noticeable enough

My brain does this thing where it thinks nothing bad that's ever happened to me was Bad Enough for me to be upset about.

And I dont know... its nice sometimes to be told shit like "omg that looks so bad" or to see that people who do see my cuts are somewhat shocked or revolted... it's nice because I go... "hey, it was bad enough for them..."

Or to have people comment on them with concern. Just ANYTHINT WHERE PEOPLE NOTICE IT AND ARENT ASSHOLES ABOUT IT IS VALIDATING.

Because I'm not used to that...

Because CEN

I'm. The worst perosn on the fucking planet.

I should kill myself.

I suddenly actually feel so self hating I do want to kill myself... oh god.

I ruin everything. Everything. Everything. Everything. What have I done. Like. Why. Oh god.

I'm just remembering when Star said my kindness seemed like an act. And how I've been called out for seeming fake like 2 other times.

DO I SEEM FAKE???? I DONT EVER PUT ON ACTS OF KINDESS.... CONCIOUSLY? but the very idea that I could be perceived that way...

Should I like not try to be nice or some shit?

Jesus christ she hurts my feelings even now when it was a long time ago.

But I cant blame her. I can't blame anyone for how i feel except my parents because they left me with fucking. Heart nerve damage or some shit.

I'm tired and now I'm sad too. Goodnight guys.

[voightsgirl]

how do u explain to people that youre stressed out not bc of the education system or bc your teachers are giving u too much work or even bc you “have a lot on ur plate” and youve “tired yourself out” but because ur a weak ass person who cant handle failure and u have a ridiculous amount of unrealistic pressure on urself to do well and to get into oxford and youve been working yourself so hard for the past few weeks that when someone tells you to “go out and have some fun” u genuinely have to stop and think bc ive lost all my passion for things i used to love bc i cant even see past this fog of stress and anxiety and pressure and so when i am failing which is in most of my subjects at the moment i take it so fuckin hard bc ive been working my ass of tirelessly and no good is coming of it and i still havent heard from oxford so i dont know whether im good enough and most of my brain is telling me im not but i dont think i can handle that and being such a failure just makes me want to work harder and harder but i cant because im so burnt out but at the same time i just cant afford to take time out during the week and ive noticed this cycle that i get into and i dont know how to break it bc on mondays i have a full day so im exhausted by the evening and then dont do any work when i get home after work at 6 and then bc i havent done any work monday night i feel guilty tuesday so i work super hard in all my frees and after work in the evening to try and make up for it which burns me out emotionally and mentally and then wednesday i have a super long day and then stay at school in the evening which forces me to work and exhausts me again and then thursday mornings are always tough bc im burnt out from the (always late) night before and come into school early to get more work done bc i get into the mindset that i absolutely have to be working 24/7 and then for the past few thursdays ive worked myself to the point of tears in front of my form tutor or teachers and so then they convince me to take some time off so i always go home and take an hour or so but then i have extra french lessons and guitar so i get so tired after that but ofc since ive taken like 2+ hours out of studying to do that i need to compensate thursday eve and “its fine its only friday tomorrow” so i stay up really late and get into school on friday and cry again and just how do u explain that to people who’ve always seen u as an overachieving girl who has everything together and always gets good grades

why am i like this

im just so sick of crying all the time

someone make it stop pls

[wdfa]

coming back from winter break like HELLO NAUGHTY CHILDREN ITS RELAPSE TIME

warning for... um. lots of stuff. a loooot of self hate/negative self talk. internalized transphobia/cissexism. discussions of sexual experiences (not in detail). menstruation mention. depression and symptoms.

im struggling so hard rn ugh so many Symptoms.. especially with feelings of worthlessness!!!!!!! like i just feel like im annoying ppl with just my existence!!!! UGH like i know it’s irrational bc so many ppl love and care about me and they have voiced these facts as well as affirmed them through actions! and they continue to do so! it kinda has a lot to do with my dysphoria? im not sure how to like. explain it??? because there is Context.

last saturday my frat had a brothers-only party and it was fun and cute and i had Such a Good Time because i love my brothers! some alumni came too like i got to see my grandbig again and my 2 adopted grandbigs LMAO... one is dating my gbig so she’s step-gbig i guess not adopted? but the other one is in my family line, and he has 2 “real” grandlittles but he adopted me and one of my fifth (?) cousins. ANYWAYS it was really tender because that literally happened that night, he said “as far as im concerned, i have 4 grandlittles... plates, kali, billy, and u” and im not kidding i almost cried it touched my salty ass heart. and that was pretty much the theme of the night, just me loving on everyone and everyone loving on me! 

i was kind of worried about that tbh because i was wearing one of those douchey ridiculously large arm-hole tshirts and my scars were pretty visible,,,, but like everyone was really cool about them like i got some compliments actually haha mostly they were just like “aw im so happy for u/proud of u” but one of my older bros (who happens to also be a bass!!) said smth like “yo those are really cool thats so hardcore!” which pleasantly surprised me because he’s a very aloof and sarcastic kind of person, so getting something genuine was really neat. and so much good happened that night!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! it was great!!!!!!!!!! but also like. ugh. i guess more context needed. 

in my pledge class of 7 only 2 of us were virgins and im one of them. like ive literally never had any Sexual experience, and it was always because i was never comfortable enough with my own body due to dysphoria. even when u get past that my high school was fucking tiny so who was going to love my fat trans ass 8^) and my pbro’s situation was a little different, but he’s gay and his high school was similar so he never had the option to explore anything either. and we were like. together on that u know? i had kind of accepted that it wasnt realistic for me to want things like that, and while that realization hurt, i knew that i had someone in the same boat. but then he goes and loses his virginity!!!!! and this is where i get MESSY LMAO IM NOT READY FOR THIS BUT HERE GOES

first of all i want to say that i am 100% happy for him because he’s my friend i will support him until the end of time and he told us it was important for him finally being able to celebrate himself and grow up and operate with sexual/personal autonomy and live his own DAMN LIFE and im so so SO proud of him for that!! and i HATE myself so FUCKING MUCH for being selfish and feeling this way and taking something so important to someone i love and making it about myself, but. now its like im left behind. i hate this feeling so fucking much i hate being left behind/forgotten about/ignored/excluded from anything and everything. and now this is something that everyone has gone through but me. and it fucking sucks even more because i know the main reason that i havent done this is because im trans!!!! like i didnt ask to be this way!!!!!!!! trust me! its so fucking difficult!!!!!!!! i hate being different sometimes, i literally just want to be like everyone else, i want to be fucking normal for once. like i know that ‘normal’ doesn’t actually exist but im tired of having to struggle through things that other people dont. and ive really just been dwelling on this and extrapolating like “welp no one will ever wanna hook up with me or date me or love me and im gonna die alone like the piece of shit i am” and it’s just opened up soooooo many Bad Feels that i either havent thought about before or did a really good job at repressing! literally just shitty Dysphoria garbage!!! 

and now its like. “ok well u dont want to be a virgin anymore then go out and have sex” WELP it doesnt really work that way!!! i’m very masculine in appearance (or at least i try to be) and the people who are attracted to me expect me to be a Cis Male, because unfortunately we assume everyone is cis until proven otherwise. bottom line is theyre gonna expect me to have a dick! but i dont! what happens when im into someone and theyre not aware of this fact? what if we Get Going and start Doing the Do but theyre like EW GROSS DIE??????? i just keep thinking about this!!!!!!!!! its in my head and i cant get it out!!!!!!!!!! like i Did Not go to bed on sunday night because i just keep dwelling!!!! i went to therapy on tuesday and told all this to my psychologist and usually that gets it out of my system but no!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! she’s usually really helpful because she approaches things logically rather than emotionally but that didnt work in this case i guess!!

i told my pbros about some of these feelings and they said the shit your friends are supposed to say to make u feel better and it was reassuring that they loved me at the time but like. i guess it didnt stick lol because im still convinced that im unlovable even though mccoy sat on my lap half the night and david let me casually touch him (he does not like physicality so that was kind of a Bigger deal) and ben laid on top of us and we were all so tender but i literally cant translate that into permanence i guess!!!!! but also bad things happened at meeting that kind of validated my fears bc me n a few bros were talking, i think it was me and a gay guy and a girl who thought she was straight but shes questioning if shes bi and i cant remember who else because i was Turnt but these two were like the main source of conversation. the guy was like “im definitely gay like i know i dont like girls because vaginas are just gross” and the girl was like “yeah i dont know, im attracted to hot girls but idk if i could ever fuck w/ a girl because ew vagina” LIKE im.... ... standing............ right .... here...................... and i said something! like “thats transphobic not everyone w a vagina is a girl” and i cant remember exactly but they totally like. brushed me off. i initially have all of these doubts, then my bros are like “yooo that’s irrational, everyone loves u” which makes me feel better and kind of makes the doubts get less awful BUT THEN this happens and we’re back to square one SO.

it doesnt help that i fucking started my period on monday. i havent had it in over a year. but i had to skip a dose of T before my surgery and my ADHD ass forgets everything so i ended up skipping like 3 so apparently this is what happens when you stop taking it :) im really hoping that this is the reason im so emo about everything right now UGH.

all of these feelings are just taking such a toll on me its like im weighed down,,, i was supposed to do some studying today and take some notes but instead i stayed in bed and played games on my phone lol!!!!!! i didnt even do anything fun!!!!!!!!!! and now im alone on a friday night doing NOTHING just like i did fucking NOTHING all day today!!

what sucks about this is that im alone because i feel sad.... but being alone makes me feel even MORE sad........... like im happy when im with my friends, im happy when im with my brothers, im happy when im at the house! but for some reason i cant just text a bro at random whenever im feeling down. like if i did, i know that no matter who it was theyd give me the support i need/the support id get at the house with everyone there. but i cant make that move, i cant take that risk, because i must Avoid.... like i know talking to ppl and being around them makes me happier, and i know if i did gather the ‘courage’ or w/e to do that then the odds of getting a positive response would be 99% but i just. Cannot initiate. because that 1% chance of rejection is just too much. im terrified of it. even if i did take that chance i dont even know what i’d say??? “hey lol im kinda craving death because im a worthless abomination haha wyd” ????? im still not comfortable w talking about being trans. like i am a bit but only with certain people. definitely not with the brotherhood. maybe my big? but she just got a new girlfriend so i dont want to bother her. honestly i dont want to bother anybody!!!!!!!!!! which is Wrong because i tell ppl all the time that their emotions are valid and theyre not bothering people who care but HERE WE FUCKING ARE KIDS!

ok i think im done now i just. really had to get that out. replies and likes and asks are welcome but the other thing is not allowed. the thing with two arrows that kind of go in a circle. none of that.

[vitalmindandbody]

MND Lucy: ‘I hope I don’t lose my weird-ass laugh’ – BBC News

Image copyright Rankin

Image caption Lucy had her painting taken by famed description photographer Rankin

There are plenty of things that become having Motor Neurone Disease( MND) “crappy” but losing the ability to speak and laugh would be too much, enunciates Lucy Lintott.

The 22 -year-old was diagnosed with MND three years ago, establishing her a very young being in Scotland with the terminal disease.

MND, which usually alters beings over 40, gradually realizes riveting, march, talking and swallowing very difficult – and eventually impossible.

Image copyright BBC Scotland

Image caption Lucy has raised 120,000 for research into MND

It kills about a third of people within a year and more than half within two years.

Lucy tells the BBC Scotland documentary MND and the 22 -year-old Me that it is like being “slowly paralysed”.

As the condition progressively takes brace she are concerns that her “hilarious temperament will slip away”.

Over the past three years she has had to deal with using a wheelchair more as she knows how no longer gait unaided, but “losing ones” voice holds new horrors for the self-confessed “chatterbox”.

Image copyright BBC Scotland

Image caption Lucy can no longer stroll unassisted and has to use a wheelchair

“If I did lose my articulation it would be the most difficult circumstance for me, ” she says.

“I could cope with everything else, precisely not losing my voice.

“I don’t belief I’d be able to handle that because most people know me for my weird-ass laugh.”

Media playback is unsupported on your machine

Media captionLucy has been recording the audio of her articulation

Lucy, from Garmouth in Moray, firstly started experiencing difficulties with her counterbalance and co-ordination at a summer camp in the US.

Her sidekicks articulate she remained falling down and was slurring her words.

When she returned home she had a strange move and was referred to a neurologist, who eventually diagnosed MND.

Bucket list

Lucy’s father Robert articulates: “He simply started talking matter-of-fact suggesting ‘it’s a terminal illness , no antidote, you’ve got about three years to live’.”

MND, also known as amyotrophic lateral sclerosis( ALS ), occurs when specialist nerve cells in the intelligence and spinal rope, called motor neurones, stop working properly.

It is a relatively rare disease, affecting up to 5,000 adults in the UK at any one time.

Lucy announces: “I am a very young[ in Scotland] living with MND.

“So it’s not as if I can ask a grandmother or grandpa how the government had dealt with it, or a mother or papa, because it’s totally irrelevant.

“There was no-one my age who I has actually talk to.”

Image copyright BBC Scotland

Image caption Lucy with her sister Laura

So after her diagnosis, Lucy moved back from Glasgow, where she had been studying, and tried to make sense of her condition.

She wrote a container inventory of things she wanted to do, started publishing online blogs and began heightening fund to help the search for a cure for MND.

So far, she has raised more than 120,000, some of which is going into studying zebra fish at the Euan MacDonald Centre for MND research in Edinburgh.

“Unlike me this amazing little fish can rebuild its motor neurones even after its spinal cord has been damaged, ” she tells the documentary.

At the moment “they dont have” known cure for the disease.

Lucy lends: “There is so little promise for people with MND. I’ve even heard it referred to as death sentence.

“I hate it when people say ‘death sentence’. It get me so mad.”

Her mother Lydia remarks: “It is just following that you cannot do anything about MND at the moment.

“It is just a waiting game to see how long we have got her for really, but hopefully they can find a dry or help that will be in time for Lucy.”

Image copyright BBC Scotland

Image caption Lucy, a big country music follower, with singer Reba McEntire

In very rare cases, such as the cosmologist Stephen Hawking, people can live with the disease for decades.

He has famously addrest via a spokesperson simulator for 30 times.

In preparation for the opportunities that she might involve same technology, Lucy inspected the singer bank in Edinburgh to record her speech.

However, due to the effect the disease have so far been had, the technicians sought to blend Lucy’s voice with that of her older sister Laura.

“I genuinely don’t contemplate I’ll get to that stage where I’ll need it, ” Lucy replies.

“But if I am wrong I’ll still have my tone to use and mum and pa will still have to listen to me.”

Despite roaming the world clicking off parts on her directory and parent thousands for donation, Lucy admits that it has become very tiring and she no longer get out very much.

Image copyright Rankin

Image caption Photographer Rankin, envisioned here with Lucy, said she was dealing here something very tough

A visit to renowned portrait photographer Rankin at his London studio returned home to her how much MND had changed her life.

Paisley-born Rankin, who has photographed luminaries from Madonna and Kate Moss to the Queen, has also composed many portraits demo the “defiance, fortitude and vitality” of people with terminal illnesses.

He tells the documentary: “Obviously I am dealing here a really young girl who is facing something that she should not be facing.”

‘Two different people’

Viewing the personas created by the photographer is an psychological minute for Lucy, prompting her of her age-old self before the illness.

Rankin suggests: “It is a very revealing, a very tough concept to do, because she is looking at a photo and she can see what she could be.”

Lucy answers: “When I interpreted the photographs I wept because it was like me before I was diagnosed – before my life really changed.

“In that minute I realised that up until that time I’d ascertained myself as two different people.

“There was the Lucy Lintott who was adventurous, fun-loving, crazy and ungainly – I belief the most perfect one of the two.

“Then MND Lucy who is terminally ill and necessitates people to live really.

“It only overwhelmed me that I was still the Lucy of before.

“It allowed me to mould myself back together and realise I’m still the same person and that only parts of me have changed.”

MND and 22 -year-old Me is on BBC Two Scotland on Tuesday 1 August at 21:00 and will be on the iplayer subsequentlies .

Read more: www.bbc.co.uk

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