#its not worth it honestly i might as well use what little energy i have to make someone happy instead

[kaeichi]

love is in the air.

. . . and maybe that's why mikage reo can view the world with such clouded, pink-hued vision, and why nagi seishiro cannot breathe at all.

series. nagi + reader + reo. no gendered terms, but some implications of m! reader. reader likes boys. bestfriend! nagi. valentines/white day. highschool setting. swearing. humor. fluff & angst.

a/n. repost bc it wasnt showing up in tags T-T i js want a shoujo anime w these two as the MLs...

prev ┊ next ┊ 01 … 02 … 03

⊹ 01 : my dear partner [wc: 4.7k]

TWO YEARS AGO

“…dude. you're scaring all the hoes away.” 

nagi watches your lips move, though he barely registers anything you've been saying since he has stopped listening a while ago—which, honestly, comes as no surprise to anyone.

there’s no real reason to be so lethargic at this hour (it's already late noon, plus he surprisingly had a decent amount of sleep the previous night for once), nor the time to think about trivial things, but he can’t help but think about how exactly every single thing stopped being so bothersome like it used to.

he can't quite pinpoint what brought on this gradual change, but if he had to, then it’d probably be three springs ago—when he’d wake up a little earlier than usual to the gentle kiss of the sun through his window and the cherry blossoms were in perfect bloom. around that time is when he’d received his quiet companion choki, he’d finally scored top 1 in the leaderboards after months and months of grinding in his favorite mobile game, and… when you’d first sat next to him in middle school.

for as long as he remembers, you were simply just there. an unexpected oddity that has not only forced its way through, but has also wedged firmly into every aspect in his life. and somehow, he’d concluded that maybe some things weren't so bad—that some things weren't such a hassle to him after all.

“move, idiot. at this point you might as well hold my hand.” the snow-haired male barely hears your voice over his wandering thoughts, stumbling from the light shove you give him. he has now become acutely aware of your swinging hand, wary of the close proximity and the faint buzz of static that lingers on his skin. huh. maybe it is better to move away.

still, he’d rather not reposition himself. it’s too much work, he’d like to reason, and it's certainly not because of anything else… maybe. he doesn't really know for sure. what he does know though, is that the space beside him suddenly feels strangely empty. 

when he looks at you to see a pout forming on your lips, he can't help but sigh. you're being unreasonable. there's something that's been nagging his curiosity for a while now, and it took him quite a bit to realize what it is.

“seishirooo,” you whined one day, allowing your head to sink against his mattress, taking up nearly the whole space while nagi sits at the corner of the bed. you came over to his place that day to bother him, stating that you needed some comfort because apparently, “no one ever looks at me. i feel so damn invisible.” he shrugged and offered you his controller, challenging you to a 1v1 with him as a distraction.

“…but i look at you all the time?” he replied.

“yeah, but that's different.” and he would've asked you to elaborate more, if not for the fact that you've been horribly vague about it when he does ask, and the perpetually sleepy gamer only has so much patience before he gives up and decides it's something not worth spending his energy on.

besides, you're always emotional like that. this was probably just another one of your fleeting phases.

it's not until he notices you've been longingly gazing at the couples on the campus, quietly seething under your breath that it finally clicks. now, he may not have the greatest understanding when it comes to feelings and all its complexities, but even he can tell you’re reeking with jealousy.

despite being pushed off only seconds ago, nagi shuffles closer again as he falls into step beside you. even if sparks prick his skin, it feels right in this way. “dunno why you ‘need’ hoes when you already have me.”

“just because i'm into guys doesn’t mean that i like you in that way,” you mutter, sending him an odd glance like you thought there’s something wrong with his head for even suggesting that. not knowing how to respond, he settles for staring right back without a word. 

“what's with that look? you know what i mean, seishiro.” you continue, averting your gaze from him. what look? he asks internally. “it's just, well, literally everyone is getting into relationships. and i know we're still first years, but… it just feels like i’m missing out, y’know? 

“do you really? sounds like a hassle to me,” he shrugs, and it truly does—he never saw the appeal of dumb crushes, of drama nearly every day, of possible unrequited “love,” or of wasting half your time and energy on someone just for it to not mean anything at all in the end. video games sound way more fun, and way less heartbreak inducing.

“you can't say that when you haven’t even experienced it,” you argue, still pouting.

“it’s overrated anyways. being single is better.”

“hah! of course you’d say that, you virgin.” 

“you’re one to talk,” nagi boredly quips. “i’m celibate purely by choice, but you on the other hand… if you really think about it, you're basically an incel.”

nearly choking on your spit, you exclaim, “hah?!”

“you don't even really talk to other guys except for me, and on top of that, you're barely approached by anybody,” he explains in a matter-of-fact tone, oblivious to the way his best friend’s confidence waning rapidly by the second the more he speaks.

“yeah? and who’s fault is it, you cockblocker!” 

nagi simply sticks a tongue out as you flip him off.

right after that, the two of you ended up breaking into a sprint as you heard the clicking sound of heels walking on the tiles around the corner, not wanting to get caught for skipping classes. well, you ran, and just dragged him by the wrist. he felt the warmth of your fingers even through the thick barrier of his baggy sleeve.

PRESENT

you try not to trip and fall face first as a cold hand guides you through the crowded hallway.

it's embarrassing enough as it is to be rushing through the middle of the corridor and pushing past the bodies of random students like you're a main character or some sort, but even more so when the (apparently) most popular guy of the campus that you’ve (never) seen is walking right in front of you.

and it gets even more humiliating when said popular guy has taken hostage of your wrist, leading you away to a more secluded area. shocked, harsh whispers echo throughout nearly the whole floor, and multiple eyes shoot daggers at the fingers wrapped around the sleeve of your uniform, and you’ve never wanted to bury yourself alive more than this moment.

after rounding a corner into a miraculously empty hallway, you finally skid to a stop, yanking your hand away, ready to pounce at the culprit who made you go through all that unnecessary attention. however, before you can get a word in, the refined male bows his head low in front of you, and you find yourself face-to-face with sleek purple locks.

“i’m sorry, but i have no time for dating. i’m really flattered, though. i hope we can stay friends still.” he hurriedly says, hope gleaming in his matching purple eyes.

…what. 

who is he again? and why is he rejecting you?

for some reason, you find the stranger’s gaze too bright that you have to look away; so you do exactly that, tilting your chin downwards instead and letting your hair mask your expression.

after a few beats of silence, he clears his throat. “i'm really sorry, it hurts me to see you look so down… i’m sure we can put this behind us and—”

“nice shoes,” you interrupt, still not raising your head to meet his now confused stare. “i can tell you really love wearing them, judging by the busted, worn out stitches. hey, is it just me or is that prada logo kinda wonky too?”

the male's jaw drops down nearly all the way to the floor.

“pardon me?” he says through gritted teeth, keeping his composure by flashing his usual award-winning smile, albeit a lot more stiffer. “i know i just rejected you, but you don't have to be so hostile…” 

when you finally raise your head, your expression can only be described as terribly and solemnly unamused, unimpressed beyond words.

then, you suddenly lean closer, peering closely into his violet irises with thoughtful hum. an unwilling flush of red creeps on the tips of the boy’s ears, his eyes widening comically at the sudden intrusion of space. “you’ll do,” nodding to yourself, you now grab his wrist and pull him away. “come.”

“w-wait, huh? where are we go—” 

“you're the one who made me late. let's go!”

reo isn't quite sure why he's the one being dragged away now.

he has only initially planned to gently turn down the person who last confessed to him, whose family just so happened to be related to his father’s business partners—but now he somehow finds himself on a whole date with that person? (the same one who brazenly insulted him by implying his shoes are fake, by the way!)

“i have other plans today, you know…” the heir says, subtly trying to inch away from you.

you tug him back by his sleeve, with twice as much force than he had used on you earlier. “i can imagine, my dear partner.”

“w-what?” reo stutters, and he's cringes at himself for how he's acting at the moment. the usually composed and charming mikage reo, now reduced to a stuttering and blushing mess? how embarrassing.

“normally my best friend would do this with me, but he slept in today.” leave it to seishiro to leave me all alone on the day that actually matters, you irritatedly mutter under your breath. “well, whatever. come on.”

as you and him enter the packed bubble tea shop, the fingers that were wrapped around his sleeve slides down to interlace with reo’s own clammy ones. he realizes this a second too late, and before he has the chance to let go, the clerk by the entrance greets them with an enthusiastic “welcome, lovebirds!”

“huh?!” reo’s jaw slackens, dumbfounded. he’s really starting to hate himself now—it's unbecoming of him, really, but it's hard to process everything when you're so close to him that the scent of your shampoo keeps invading his senses and subsequently messing with his head.

“here’s your special tickets for today. thank you for participating, and happy valentines!” you drag him straight to the back, where the colorful claw machines are set up. reo catches a glimpse of the pink posters set up on the walls of the quaint shop, which reads: couples get free special tickets! today only! …ah. that's why he's here.

“aoi-san… you're gripping too tight,” he says, gritting his teeth together into a forced smile. 

“aoi?” you repeat, your grip finally loosening until you let go entirely. “huh… i see. by the way, what's your name again?”

needless to say, the purple-haired male is beyond perplexed. “is this your unique attempt at a joke or something?”

“come on, rich boy. we've held hands and i don’t even know your name!” 

“right… which i totally wasn't being forced to do…” he lets out an awkward laugh. sure, some admirers of his tend to get a tad excessive, but they were never able to get far with him, much less forcibly drag him out on a date—and it's not even because they want him to spend his unlimited budget on them and spoil them rotten, but just so they can get… a free special ticket for a claw machine. how did he end up getting in this bizarre situation? more importantly, how does he get out?

you simply shrug. “your fault, rich boy. you should try thinking about anyone other than yourself for once.”

“excuse me?” he narrows his eyes, slightly peeved. he's had enough of your rude attitude; potential business partner or not, he hopes that he never has to interact with you again in the future. “stop calling me that. i have a name, and it's mikage reo.”

the way your eyes widen doesn't go unnoticed by him. “and what did you even mean by that?” he presses defensively.

you plop down on the seat, with reo mirroring you as you insert the rouge ticket decorated with pink hearts into the slot of the claw machine. “well, mikage reo. i’m sure you're aware how aoi’s family is important, right?”

yeah, this person is definitely a weirdo, reo muses. who refers to themselves in third person?

“i heard they had connections everywhere… just like you. it's crucial to maintain a good relationship with someone like that, right?” you conclude—that would explain why reo had taken the time to personally talk to “aoi” one-on-one instead of just flat out rejecting them on the spot.

reo tilts his head to the side. “i’m not following…?”

“mikage.” you emphasize, looking at him straight in the eye before turning your attention back to playing. “i’m saying that the poor kid’s still waiting for an answer. your heartfelt and sincere rejection, to be exact.”

a few seconds of silence pass. well, as silent as it can be with the loud chattering of the crowd and the mechanical whirrs of the claw machine you're currently messing with resounding in the air.

“you mean, you're not…” reo trails off, all color draining from his face. “i’m so, so sorr—”

“aoi’s the one you should apologize to, not me. oh, i got a double! how lucky.” you eagerly grab the prize, the limited edition valentine’s merch exclusive to this boba shop; a plushie collectible that comes with a redeemable code for your favorite video game. you want to collect all of them, but you’re broke as hell and you’re only here due to the free ticket. turning to reo, you shove the second plushie to his chest. “here, this is for you. since you did help me out with getting these.”

“ah, thank you…” reo absentmindedly accepts the small toy, still reeling on how he could make such a careless mistake. “listen, i do apologize—”

“i wonder how'd you even mix us up. is it ‘cause we have the same hair color?” you ask, slightly amused because aside from that, you and aoi look nothing alike. your fingers tap on the surface of the control panel, observing reo’s shame-stricken visage. “or maybe… is it because everyone just looks the same to you?”

at that moment, mikage reo realizes two things: (1) maybe he's more transparent and vulnerable than he thinks, and (2) you're dangerous, and it's better to stay far, far away from you. how could you see right through him so quickly? what if that's something you'll use against him?

he doesn't like to admit it, but it's true—in his perspective, everyone's the same. they're just after him for money and status, and at some point, they've all just become faceless, superficial pawns vying for his attention.

and of course, you’re no exemption.

noticing he’s gone quiet, you continue, “but i guess if my world was as vast as yours, i couldn't possibly keep up with everything either, so i get it. i’m not saying i’m in the same situation as you, but i can kind of relate, i guess. i only keep the ones who's important to me close, and the rest just exist and do whatever. i’m selective, but in that way, at least i can give my all to the ones that really matter.”

reo closes his mouth shut. here you are casually saying that you don't matter to him, and while that isn't a lie in the slightest, he still can't help but feel guilty. maybe it's just the people-pleaser in him, or maybe it’s the way the corners of your lips are slightly quirked up and to form a miniscule, accepting smile, but he wants to reassure you, “still, i’m sure you feel that—”

“i don’t.” you don't mind that he didn't know you, because you didn't even know him either—there’s no reason for you to take it personal. you’d be a hypocrite otherwise. “i really don’t.”

you smile at him. he thinks it's out of understanding, but unbeknownst to him you're actually just entertained by how his inner turmoil is so clearly reflected on his expression. “so don’t worry about it. plus, we’re even now.” you add, gesturing towards the prize.

hopping off the stool, you wave at him as you start to walk away. “...happy valentines. i'll see you around, mikage. maybe. er, probably not.”

“wait!” he hurriedly jumps off the stool as well, clutching the plushie in his hand as he follows after you. “i�� let me drive you home.” the words stumble out before he even realizes what he's saying. you're probably just using him, and you're dangerous, and you see right through him, and he should stop wasting his time because his actual valentine's date is probably three seconds away from storming out the restaurant he's booked at—

so why is he doing this?

“drive?” you repeat, because of course he’d have a driver. damn rich people, you think internally. “nuh uh. it's like a ten minute walk, and i’d rather save the environment.”

“then i’ll walk with you.”

“you do realize i’m done dragging you for the day, right?” you quirk a brow up, amused; you could've sworn he was itching to get the hell away half an hour ago. “you're free. you can go home if you want.”

reo smiles, a more genial one this time. “i know.”

“so, you into popular guys now?” 

“hell no.”

nagi narrows his eyes at you. “you’re just into reo, then?” 

while you expected to be grilled first thing in the morning by random people about your apparent relationship with mikage reo (to which you simply replied, “i don’t know who that is, sorry,” and proceeded to run away), you didn't expect to be interrogated by your apathetic best friend as well. 

usually, nagi prefers to be completely silent during the 1st period (and actually all the way through lunch), not bothering to utter more than a few words, but today, he seems uncharacteristically on edge, waiting for you at the corner of the gym with a wrinkle between his brows.

“why are you on a first name basis with him?”

“everyone calls him reo.” he shrugs. “why him?”

“i never said i was into him.”

“then what's all that partner thing about?” he asks, which confuses you a bit. you doubt that reo would go around announcing to everyone how you teasingly called him ‘partner’ and practically dragged him to a date against his will, but it's not like him and nagi are close either, so you wonder where nagi has heard this information from. then, you suddenly recall back to yesterday, where you saw the curtain of your neighbor’s bedroom window swinging side-to-side, as if it was drawn close a mere second before you looked up. 

it seems that your mind wasn't playing tricks with you after all, and that a certain someone was eavesdropping on your conversation with reo as he walked you to your door.

“fake partners, you mean? and it was a just a joke—i met him that day.”

“that day? why are you acting so close if you've just met that day?”

“you're awfully talkative today, seishiro.” 

“i know. it's making me exhausted, and it's all your fault.” he then presses his weight against you, leaning his forehead on your shoulder—as he always does when he's tired and you're within reach. your eyes widen immediately, darting around the gymnasium to see if any of your classmates has noticed.

you don't want people to get the wrong idea about you two. it's not because it kills your chances with anyone due to the assumption that you aren't single (which you still very much are, by the way), or even because of potential issues of being a two-timer due to a certain rich boy—it's just that whenever you get asked if you and your best friend are together, you can't help but flinch from the idea, like ice is being poured inside the back of your shirt. you don’t really know what to call it, but you do know that you've answered the question a hundred times and you're positively sick of it.

“i told you to stop doing this in public,” you hiss, trying to push the giant, clingy sloth off you. “and stop whining, nagi. i’m not going anywhere. besides, i’m not even looking for a relationship or anything like that. not after… you know, what happened during our first year.”

he lifts his head up, frowning at you. “don’t call me nagi. just ‘cause you met a new guy doesn't mean you get to call me nagi.” 

you raise an unimpressed brow. what’s his problem? “only if you stop whining.” 

“…‘m not.” he slurs his words together, only proving your point.

“yes you are!”

“why do you have to be so annoying? you're such a pain,” he sighs, now walking away from you.

“i'm the annoying one?! and don't call me a pain, you—!” without hesitation, you promptly snatch a red ball from the steel ball cart beside you before swinging your arm at him, slamming the dodgeball right to his head. well, you tried to, at least; even with his back facing towards you, nagi only takes one step to the side to avoid it.

“your shitty aim sucks balls,” the tall male comments unenthusiastically, his white fringe falling over his eyes as he gazes at you over his shoulder. his nonchalance only spurs you on, now hauling multiple dodgeballs at him.

“how about you suck my ba—”

“give it up already. you're never gonna hit me.” and nagi actually has the audacity to yawn mid-dodge. of course, it only fuels your irritation even more. you eventually run out of balls to throw, so you mindlessly grab the nearest object to your right and chuck that as well.

…which unfortunately, happens to be nagi’s phone that he's snuck inside the gym, peeking under a face towel on the bench.

“oh, fu—” 

because of your (rightfully) so-called shitty aim, it swung way up high to the left, a few steps away from nagi. in less than a second, he realizes what you have flung at him, and his body moves instinctively; he throws himself towards it, swinging his leg upward and trapping it with his foot with perfect ease before it has the chance to plummet down on the floor.

“why are you making me move so much…” he sighs. “what a pain.” 

“you’re supposed to move anyways, we're in PE. you're welcome,” you smugly reason out. and then not even a second later you fold, shoulders curling inwards as you glance toward his phone; if it weren't for his godly reflexes, you would've broken it. with a small voice, you meekly add, “sorry.”

nagi shrugs in response.

when he saunters over to place his phone on the bench again, a silver glint catches your eye. a small charm swings lightly, small beads of white and black strung haphazardly together attached to the side of his phone case.

“wait, this is…” a phone charm crafted by hand, which is your birthday present for him four years ago. “i didnt know you still had that.”

“why wouldn't i?”

“where was it this whole time? this wasn't here a few days ago.”

“i just kept it in my drawer ‘cause i don’t wanna lose it.”

tilting your head to the side, you ask, “so why'd you suddenly decide to attach it to your phone now?”

he looks away, scratching the back of his neck. “…dunno.” 

eyes dropping into slits, you mutter, “you know, that kinda sounds sus—”

“hey! that was amazing! nagi, right? you should play soccer with me!”

nagi and yourself both turn to the direction of the sudden voice, seeing a familiar figure running towards you, vivid purple eyes gleaming under the gymnasium’s stark white lights.

“mikage?” you exclaim.

ever so slightly, nagi sharpens his usual droopy eyes. “nah.” he immediately says, turning on his heel.

“seishiro? wait, weren't you supposed to be looking for a club?”

“don’t really care.” you follow him, lightly jogging to keep up. as soon as you catch up by his side, the taller male glances at you as he asks, “will you join too?”

is he seriously asking you that… “no?”

“then i won't.” nagi concludes as he continues to walk away from reo.

“hey, wait up!” reo calls out, placing a hand on your shoulder. “ah, i was completely shut down… say, will you help me convince him?”

your brows shoot up as your gaze flicks down where he's casually touching you. after your initial confusion of who he is yesterday, you then recognize him after learning his name—the most popular boy in school, known for his good looks, charisma, and most especially, his wealth. he gets along well with literally everyone, and acts genuinely close with them even if they aren't.

“uh, why should i?”

“remember that limited edition merch you like? i can get you the rest of the collection. in fact, i’ll even buy out the whole place just for you.”

“wha– seriously?” you feel your eye twitch. damn rich people. “it was limited edition. they all ran out of stock already.”

“i have my ways.” well, that's not shady at all. he flashes a grin at your skepticism, winking at you, “anything for my partner.”

and you now understand why he's earned his title. this is probably how he always gets what he wants—with a smile like that, anyone would drop to their knees and do whatever he’d ask. two years ago, you would've keeled over for attention like this, but now, you're nothing but indifferent.

he places his hands on both of your shoulders now, completely stopping you from taking off. wide violet eyes scrutinize your own, making you scrunch your nose at the close proximity. “shouldn't you be begging him and not me?”

“yeah, but...” reo swears he feels an air of animosity radiating from the white-haired male, and that's why he has decided to turn you instead. “you wouldn't leave your partner hanging, right? as partners, we help each other out, riiiight?” he says, dragging his words out.

you lean as far as you physically can from his grip, but he doesn't seem to care, excitedly looking at you with stars evident in his eyes. “mikage, you—” he smiles at you, bright and blinding, and you find yourself withering under his intense gaze. “okay, fine, just—”

“well, that's settled then! they’re joining the club too, nagi seishiro. they can be our manager.” you briefly wonder why he didn't outright offer to have you join the team, but he probably saw how you threw the dodgeballs earlier… though it's not like you have to use your hands in soccer, so what the hell, this is kind of insulting.

“says who, mikage?”

“you're gonna come watch all our games?” he negotiates.

“why don’t you offer that i join the team?”

“ahahaha. haha. hah.” he laughs awkwardly, swinging an arm around your shoulder and ultimately evading your question.

because you were too busy trying to shrug him off, you miss the way nagi’s eyes zero on to reo’s arm around you, wordlessly observing the whole interaction with his lips pressed taut.

you still don’t know why reo hasn't moved away; he's so close that you can see the dark amethyst specks in his irises, the long strands that frame his face are lightly tickling your cheek, and if you lean in even just an inch, you can practically—

“you said anything i want, right?” your voice drops to a low whisper, and reo nods slowly, still seemingly oblivious to the lack of space between you.

“then... what if i said i wanted a kiss?”

reo’s smile drops immediately, recoiling away from you as if you've slapped him, his whole entire face heating up all the way to the tips of his ears. finally out of his grasp, you erupt into boisterous laughter, shaking your head as you leave the flustered boy alone and catching up to nagi.

likes/reblogs/feedback appreciated ♡

[gracev0609]

Strawberry Moon

Josh Kiszka X Reader

Disclaimer: I am not spiritual, I have no experience in any of this, all information was taken from this source

Word Count: 1k+

Warnings: 18+ only, Minors DNI, celebrating the strawberry moon, trying to conceive, explicit sex, breeding kink.

🍓🌕🍓🌕🍓

You sat cross legged on the fluffy cream colored plush blanket across from your lover, Josh. You cracked your eyes open, peering at his toned form. He sat mirror image to you, cross legged with his palms facing the sky, completely bare. Your sunroom was glowing in various shades of pink and orange, coloring each plant and pillow a color of the sunset. Tonight was the Strawberry Moon, the next phase. You and Josh had been trying to get pregnant for about a month now, neither of you were getting younger and honestly, you both were eager to start a family. Josh got the idea this morning after reading about the powers of the strawberry moon. He had set his phone down on the kitchen island and rattled off how the strawberry moon has powerful energy and can work on our inner selves as well as increase love and fertility. He told you about the affirmations you both could say during your meditation as well as charging moon water to drink to help.

His arms wrapped around your frame, settling his hands over your empty womb,” I know it's all a little weird, and if it doesn't work what have we lost? But on the other hand, if it does and we make a baby….”

“I think it's worth a shot Joshy, if anything it'll make a nice evening.”

He leaned down, kissing the top of your head,” That's my girl.”

Back to the present, you closed your eyes again repeating your affirmation once more, We're harnessing the energy of the strawberry moon. Let us harness it's power of love, self improvement and fertility.

You sat meditating and reflecting until the sun went down and your solar fairy lights came on. The air around you became cooler, your sweat slicked skin chilling causing your nipples to pebble.

Josh spoke, his voice soothing,” My love… are you ready baby?”

Josh stood retrieving the glasses of water from the end table, striding over to the windowsill to place them under the moonlight to charge. Turning on his heel, he made his way back over to you, his hips swaying as he moved. He kneeled down in the pillow nest you were meditating in before leaning over and grabbing the small tray of strawberries. He nestled into your side, raising a summer sun warmed berry to your lips,” To celebrate. A new phase, a new chapter of our lives. I'm really hopeful that we'll make a baby tonight lovie. The celestial energy… you're ovulating… I think this might be the perfect combination honey.”

Chewing the succulent fruit you nodded,” I hope so too. I think the odds are in our favor tonight.”

Josh fed you a few more berries, his hand stroking your skin, warming your body up for him as you chewed. Eventually his hand dipped down between your legs, sighing softly when he discovered the slick between them.

His fingers swirled around your clit, “ You're going to be such a beautiful momma. You're so kind, so sure of everything you do. Our child is going to look up to you.”

Sighing you shudder, his praise fueling your arousal and you rest your head on his shoulder,” I love you Josh.”

Gently he slides two fingers into you, lightly moaning when he feels how tight and wet you are. And he continues to pump his fingers in and out of you he runs his hips into your leg, gliding his already leaking cock against your thigh. It doesn't take you long until you're clenching around his fingers, the coil in your stomach snapping, as you soak his hand in your release.

Josh presses kisses to your temple,” Good girl, that's my good girl. So beautiful, so ready to take my cock.”

Whining you grasp at him, tugging him to position himself over you,” Please Josh, I need it. Put your baby in me.”

He grasps his cock in his hand, running his swollen head through your slick,” Fuck, keep talking like that and I'm not going to last long.”

He pushes his hips forward, easing himself inside of you. Your hands grip onto his biceps as you adjust to his size,” Isn't that kind of the point.”

You giggle lightly as he rocks his hips,” I guess so…. Pretty baby just wants to be full of my cum?”

You groan, hitching your thighs over his hips,” You know I do.”

All you can think about is the way it feels when he fills you, so wet and warm, coating your insides in Josh. The thought pushes you closer to your second climax, and you start clenching around him, fluttering around his pulsating cock.

Through gritted teeth he praises,” Go ahead sweetheart, cum all over my fat cock. Let me have it.”

His voice in your ears, his skin on yours, and his tip pushing against your sweet spot, you had to surrender to the waves of pleasure. All you could think about was Josh. All you could think about was making him a father.

His hips pound into yours, losing all self control he once had. Slamming himself deep inside of you, chasing his primal urges.

His voice sounds strained,” God… fuck… I can't wait to get you pregnant.”

“Do it! I need it, wanna have your baby so badly!” You cry your nails digging into his back.

His hips stutter, and you feel his warm cum flood your insides.

���Fuuuck… that's right baby, keep milking me. Get every last drop… Gonna make the most beautiful baby.”

Finally his hips still and he all but collapses on you. His hands holding you close to him with his face buried in your neck.

“You're so beautiful, honey. You're going to be the most amazing mom. God, I really hope we just made a baby.”

Your hands stroke his back, both of your emotions heightened. Wanting this to work so badly. One hand comes up to scratch his scalp lovingly,” Maybe our strawberry moon helped us tonight.”

Josh raises his head from your skin, he raises his gaze until he finds the moon. His eyes stay locked on and you can tell he's pleading with the sacred celestial energy. Eventually he pulls out of you, before quickly shoving a pillow underneath your hips. He snuggles into your side, grabbing a blanket and draping it over the both of you,” Gotta keep it all in.”

His lips trail slow lines over your exposed skin until he's eventually lulling you to sleep. Right before you fall under the wave of slumber you say a prayer to your strawberry moon.

🍓🌕🍓🌕🍓

[cyten0]

A Symphony In Crimson

Act 1: A Movement in Black

Chapter 9

The house has been much nicer this time around. It feels like everyone is working together a bit better, there’s a closer bond of trust. The others were quite surprised by Bonnie’s marksmanship! But honestly, all of them seem a little stronger.

The first floor has been a breeze really. Which is good, since it means you haven’t had to take any hits really. Nothing to try and cover up. Plus, the party has taken less hits, which means less temptation. Stars you’re hungry.

You’re sitting down for snacks when Odile does their coinflip thing with Isa. Looks like they lost this time.

▲ “What was that about, madam?”

◆ “Ah well. I asked the Favor tree to win my next coin flip.”

✿ “Huh?”

◉ “Such a silly favor.”

◆ “Purely for scientific reasons. I wanted to see if there was anything to this Favor tree business. As we can see, apparently not much.”

The others look a little disappointed by that, and you’re just a little hurt for some reason, as usual.

▲ “… Well you didn’t put any belief into it, so of course nothing happened! Sif actually told me a bit about that!”

Huh! Oh right! You did!

◆ “Really? Tell me more.”

Oh STARS yes, you get to talk more about this, it’s so cool! It still hurts your head to talk about, but it’s SO WORTH IT!!!!

✦ “Using favor trees, and the right steps, you can call energy from the stars! The trees aren’t the only way, but its certainly one of them! But in order to do so, you have to care about what you’re wishing for, otherwise they won’t feel compelled to answer you. You can do all the steps perfectly right, and not get a thing! But if you care enough, you can get something even if you do nearly every step wrong.”

✿ “Woah! That’s so cool!”

◆ “I’ve never heard this before…... Oh, Is this a field of study from your homeland?”

Oh, they remembered! They must have spent some effort doing that. You nod.

◆ “Fascinating. How effective is this method?”

Heh, time to shock them all.

✦ “Well, it might not have been a favor tree, but. I bet the king used a similar method to get Timecraft!”

◉ “WHAT!!!”

▲ “Oh Crab!”

◆ “You’re Certain?”

✦ “Like I said, That power comes from the stars. It’s no coincidence his armor is decorated with them.”

✿ “Oh yeah! The poster!”

◉ “Does that mean ANYONE could do that? And be just as dangerous?”

No it’s not that good but… Hm… It hurts your head but...

✦ “No. Getting that much power would not only require an insane commitment, but would require really lengthy, costly, and complicated rituals that would take months in order to draw from enough stars.”

◉ “Oh thank change.”

▲ “Makes you wonder about his motive though…”

Huh. Isa’s right, it does mean the king is awfully dedicated. Big wishes like that take effort…

A wish like that is probably why your here, right? But you still need more information. This gives information as to what it is, but it doesn’t make sense why you’d be here. Your wish was way too small, can’t be that. If only you could read that book in the storage room, the picture on the cover makes you think it might be about wishcraft.

But trying to remember a language from barricaded memories of memories is a few steps of separation too many. And your head still hurts a TON from yesterday.

Ah well. You’ll figure out, bit by bit. Your making progress! It’s only been… Hm. You haven't kept track how many times you’ve looped. Might want to ask loop about that. Anyways, it’s time for snacks, and you’re super hungry! You’ll try and cut down just a little bit, but that’s gonna be a tall order.

>>>

You’re in the library. Your eyes got caught by the diary again, and Mirabelle is reading it out again. Then the others start talking about the country. It’s hard to listen to it again.

✿ “Still…. The name of that country…. What was it again?”

▲ “Oh, I think it was something like A-”

You all suddenly get a massive headache as Isa tries to say it! Your head feels like it’s going to split open it hurts so blinding much! It hurts so much you can only see red! You cover your eyes so they don’t notice. It hurts it hurts it hurts!!!!

But…. Then… The pain…. Subsides…..

You look up. That. Didn’t happen last time. What… Odile. She stopped Mira from interrupting?

✿ “Ow. Crab, that hurt way more then I thought.”

◉ “Ow ow ow… Madam, why did you let that happen?”

◆ “Gems, that hurt…. Siffrin?”

She… She did that for you…? Just so you’d have a chance to? You really don’t deserve that. Others shouldn’t have to hurt for your needs. But….

✦ “….. Starts with an A. Heh. It’s something!”

The others give puzzled looks, as you slot the diary back into the bookshelf. That one. That helps a lot more then just Siffrin. That’s for all of them.

>>>

You’re on the third floor, in the room with the person doing bodycraft again. Key is obtained, but you’re a little bored, so you decide to take a look at the closet.

▲ “Oh, look at this shirt! It’s the same material as your cloak, right Sif?”

◆ “It looks very warm. I’m surprised you managed to wear it all through summer.”

Right. This cloak was one of the first things you ever had. You never questioned it much.

✦ “It’s actually quite cool? Never get hot in it really.”

◉ “Really?”

▲ “...Sif, mind if I take a look real quick?”

Huh! You're a little nervous to have him so close, but… Okay. The only wounds you’ve taken are covered up well enough, so it… Should be fine, right?

You nod. Isabeau kneels and takes a hold of your cloak lifting it up and examining. it. You can feel his breath against your body, feel the warmth exude from him, hear his heartbeat so keenly, smell his body and it’s taste, feel the slight tugs and motions as he handles the fabric... It’s hard to focus.

▲ “… Holy Crab… This is some impressive work.”

✦ “Huh? What do you mean?”

▲ “Okay, starting on the simple side, It’s got a very interesting stitching style. Not very Vaugardian at all, and seems to focus on being highly durable. Like, borderline armor durable. It’s even fireproof. Difficult to pull off. Plus it’s been treated to be stainless as well.”

◉ “Huh! That’s some good traveling cloths.”

▲ “Oh that’s just the beginning. Someone decided to take this already impressive cloak, and literally stitch craft into the fabric. And not just a little, there’s a bunch! Self repair, temperature regulation, it even adjusts to your size! And to top it off, while you can’t tell normally, some of the fabric inside glows a little in dark places, showing some interesting patterns!... Hey, they even sewed a little butterfly emblem on the inseam!”

✿ “Woah! That sounds REALLY fancy!”

▲ “Honestly Sif, this cloak alone is practically worth an entire village?!? Where did you even get this?”

… You don’t speak. You remember Siffrin was important in his homeland. Guess you got an idea how important.

▲ “… Oh. Hey, it’s alright! I’m sure they’d be happy with how you’ve used it.”

✦ “… Yeah.”

The others are confused, but you move on. It’s fine.

>>>

Got the third floor handled, and got food at the bathrooms. Odile didn’t interupt this time, even though you ate a lot during the snack breaks, maybe because of the increased trust? And now you’ve obtained the Keyknife! And are back at the entrance…

Hm. You wonder. You’re curious about that statue. You remember Mira mentioning that these statues are connections to the Change god. Who’s is the one that blessed you?

✦ “Hey, Before we go ahead, I want to check something”

◉ “Huh? Okay, let’s go!”

>>>

You’re back in the statue room. You’re not expecting anything, but you ARE curious about it. You take a closer look.

Hm. Not to judge but… Oh, Looks like the others are judging instead.

✿ “Can noses look like that?”

▲ “Wow, it’s left eye is somehow above the right brow.”

◆ “I can’t tell if it’s smiling or frowning.

You notice Mirabelle is oddly quiet. You had suspicions but...

✦ “...Mirabelle?”

◉ “I… I was trying to make it look nice and gentle…”

▲ “CRAB, MIRA WE’RE SO SORRY!!!!”

✿ “SORRY WE SAID YOUR STATUE SUCKED!!!!”

◉ “It’s alright…. I’ll get my revenge on you all someday.”

The others shudder, and you smile a bit.

Hm. So this is Mirabelle's statue, huh? A connection between her and the change god, the only one unharmed in the house, and the one that gives you this blessing each time...

✦ “Mira, can you put your hand on the statue?”

◉ “Um? Okay, sure?”

She puts her hand on the statue, and suddenly, the room shifts!

You’re both pulled into that strange realm again! But. You’re still here? You havn’t been teleported, you’ve been brought…. Elsewhere.

You look around. It’s nothing but pure white as far as you can see. There’s a faint humming, in that sound only you can hear.

There’s a figure approaching. You don’t know what to do! Wait is that?

◉ “Euphrasie?”

Is that the name of the Head Housemaiden? They seem a little surprised, but then…

❍✿ Incorrect buzzer

❍✿ “mirabelle!!! i can't believe u can't recognize me ಠ_ಠ"

They’re wearing Bonnies face now?

◉ “Wait you changed shapes?!? Are-”

❍◉ “yay!!! o(≧▽≦)o got it so fast! it’s me! The Change God ＠＾▽＾＠”

You’re stunned. You can’t move. Wait, Mirabelle’s crying!

❍◎ “oh no don’t cry! i didn’t want to make you cry (╥﹏╥)”

◉ “I’m so sorry!!!! For not changing enough, for being useless, for lying and making everyone think you blessed me, for-”

❍▲ “nonono you’re all good! ( : ౦ ‸ ౦ : ) i’m not worried about any of that. you’re a-okay!(≧◡≦) “

◉ “Huh?

❍✿ “if I was upset, i wouldn’t have helped you all earlier! (⁀ᗢ⁀) but I did because I’m rooting for you. both of you!”

H-huh! They… they are?… Mirabelle dries her tears, and seems happier.

❍◆ “i’m about to tell you something, that you won’t remember for a lot of reasons. well, your brain won’t, but your heart will!!!”

❍▲ “it’s true that, as the Change God, i can’t do much to help you all. but i feel okay with that, because you all have the real power! you’re really strong mirabelle! ლ(ಠ益ಠ)ლ”

❍◎ “just the will to change things is enough to do anything! and look how far you’ve gotten without my help!o(>ω<)o but if that’s not enough…”

The figure’s form dissipates, revealing a single, small, cloaked figure, with the face of the statue from earlier. For a brief second, their voice feels different.

❍ “You are loved, mirabelle. i see you changing, even if you do not. you are always changing, evolving, growing. and even if you’re not, that’s ok. Because life might be about changes, but sometimes it’s about staying right where you are, sometimes. i’m proud of you, and i love you!”

She looks at them not sure what to say. You’re just happy to see her happy at this point.

❍ “and i love this stupid face you made me and i’m never letting anyone destroy it!!! got it?”

Mirabelle gives them a hug. The figure seems surprised! But allows it.

◉ “….Thank you. You’re not what I was expecting, but I’d expect nothing less. Thank you so much…”

❍◎ “hehehe…. euphie is right, you’re super stinking cute!”

Mirabelle lets go, and wipes away her tears.

❍✿ “okay! that’s your special god call! i’ll send you back now, but i’ma chat with your friend here a little more!”

◉ “Huh? WAH-”

In a blink, Mirabelle is gone. It’s just you and the change god now…

Their disguise melts. Their form shifts. Their cloak billows out and grows to tower over you. Their face pure shadow. As they speak, their demeanor shifts, ever so slightly. Their voice echoes in the unheard sound only you hear. The space fills with twirling shapes.

❍ “Sorry to keep you waiting. But I wanted to talk to her first. She needs those words desperately, and has been waiting for them from me for a while now!”

✦ “I-I um!”

❍ “It’s alright!!! I know. I know. About the island, about the timeloops, about who you are and... It’s okay…. I-I’m sorry I can’t help you much! It made me very happy to see my little gift helped make you happy!!! Y-You’ve been through a lot.”

You… They care. They care? And they did know? They know and… and you’re crying. You’ve stopped holding your eyes in shape, your horn is out, your heart glows, you just collapse. And you’re crying.

❍ “I um!! okay, maybe you just need a second to let it out a bit? Oh, I’m not very good at this….”

They give you a hug. You can barely breathe through the tears. They know what you did, this being that cares so much for life, and yet… Hearing them say it, hearing them tell you they care even despite everything...

❍ “...You know, for a lot of people, I’d be kinda upset at the whole ‘locking a major place of change in time’ thing, but I know you’re trying, and you don’t want to do that. Just like you didn’t want to hurt those on the island… I’m sure you’ll find a way to fix it, and you’ll make good use of the time. I’m rooting for you.”

✦ “I-I!!… thank you…I don’t know if I deserve it though….”

❍ “…. I have a message from my partner. A patron of your home.”

Huh?!!!

They pull back a bit, still holding you, looking you head on with their void of a face. And sing, in the voice of the stars:

Oh dear and precious fallen star

We’ve seen you travel, long and far.

Through trials filled with pain and fear

We know you’ll hold to all that’s dear

So sing your song, o mournful Dove

But know that you have always been Loved.

You… You feel hands. Hugging you. Not the change gods, but ones that feel… familiar… Feel kind. Feel like…

You see tears drip down from the Change Gods hood. They’re crying? Why are they crying for you? You killed so many… you don’t deserve it...

❍ “You have always been loved. Not as Siffrin, but as you….”

They pull you close again. Your tears mix with theirs as they pool into the space below you.

❍ “Y-Your cloak was made so you could wander the streets... Your tinkers tools so you could make things yourself…. That device in your pocket to show you the world when it wasn’t safe for you to be out... That gun so you could defend yourself even when you didn’t trust yourself up close... Your skill with music was taught because it helped you talk and they wanted to hear your voice… and…. And….”

You can’t… You can’t stop crying…. They… were for you? All along? But…. But…

❍ “And I wish I could have done something!!! You shouldn’t have had to deal with any of this!!! So please, please!!! Don’t forget that!!! Don’t forget that people have loved you always, no matter what!!!”

❍ “…You’re so young. So young for what you are. You shouldn’t have to suffer like this.”

You… you hug them back. Stars, you need to hug them. You need to hold them close. You wish you could hug these figures you barely remember, tell them you’re sorry, wish you could remember who they were. Wish you could remember why they cared for you. And… at the very least, you’ll hold close someone. You need to hug SOMEONE. The Change God hugs you tighter.

❍ “...I… Can’t keep you here for much longer. So. Don’t worry, I’ll give you the keyknife as many times as you need it, I’ll wait for you to get out of this, and… I’ll be rooting for you. Okay? Just promise me, you’ll remember what I said?”

You struggle to speak through your tears. You… really were loved…

✦ “…Yeah. I will. T-Thank you…”

You feel them fade away, as the room starts to form.

You put yourself back together as it does. Physically at least. But the tears aren’t stopping. You turn towards Mira. She’s crying a little too.

✿ “HEY!!!!”

▲ “Mira, Sif! Are you both alright?!”

◉ “What… just happened? I can’t… Siffrin?”

You can’t speak. You can’t stop crying.

▲ “SIF?!? Are you okay? Say something!!”

✦ “S̴̯̕orry! I just… I…”

You can’t help but laugh. You… You feel a bittersweet mixture of joy and sorrow. You don’t know how to process it at all.

◉ “I think we experienced something… Incredible? But I can’t remember it anymore.”

You do. You’ll never forget. You won’t let yourself. You take a deep breath, and dry your tears.

◆ “Are you alright now Siffrin?”

✦ “I… Yeah. Come on. We have a king to beat.”

You smile. It’s bittersweet… You want to remember them. So badly now. They loved you, they cared for you. And you can’t even remember a thing about them…

No. One more memory surfaces. They said… they said…

It takes strength to see what you want from the world. Don’t give up on it ever.

You HAVE to find a way to remember them. You can’t let them be forgotten, not a second longer, not when you’ve gotten so close… But… You’ll need help… and there’s only one person who’d try. Who COULD help.

It’s time to meet the king.

✸✸✸✸✸✸✸✸✸✸✸✸✸✸✸✸✸✸✸✸✸✸✸✸✸✸

...There’s a look in Stardust's eye.

This loop was doing so good. They’re all happy. They deserve that. They’ve been at this for a while, even if they aren’t aware of it. And the change god was very kind to say that. But…

Stardust isn’t thinking clearly. They haven't been for a while. The last two they remembered clearer because you fed them proper food, but it’s not easy to get that. And you have this sinking feeling things are going to take a turn for the worse. Very fast.

You hope you are wrong.

[magicalmikuri]

Some of my favorite Lostwave Songs - Solved and Unsolved

For those looking for cool obscure music, lostwave is your friend! Don't mind me geeking out about unidentified or previously unidentified music aaa!

Solved -

Making Dedication by First Person - Probably my favorite lostwave song period. Beautiful lyrics. I found it took me a few listens before I really started appreciating it.

Cyan Daze by Chimera - THIS SONG IS ABSOLUTELY SLAMMIN' IT'S SO GOOOOOOD.

L.A. Woman by P.J. Marcus - If I had a nickel for every time I really loved a song called "L.A. Woman", I'd have two nickles. Which isn't a lot but it's weird that it happened twice.

The Livin' and the Dyin' by Jim Dawson - Really beautiful song and an early lostwave solve!

On the Roof by Johan Lindell - The original "most mysterious song on the internet". Absolutely slammin'.

Traveling Minstrel by Richard Torrance - No fish.

Bird On a Wing by Rare Bird - Absolutely bangin' song, lovin' this dude's voice.

Common Hound by The Blind Venetians - Another early lostwave solve and absolutely awesome song.

Early in the Morning (Demo Version) by Excalibur - Much better than the final version imo. This song makes me feel like a 80s wizard shooting lightning out of his hands, which is extremely high praise if you ask me.

Little Islands by The Gallery - Great song with an emotional story behind its search. I'm so happy it's finally solved.

Ready n' Steady by D.A. - Not a unidentified song but a lost song! Well, now it's found but you get the idea. Deserved a release imo.

George Sand by Antonia and the Operators - Bangin' song. I wish there was more by this band they're so good honestly???

Organ by Jon Lord - This was solved in like 10 seconds but still worth putting on here. I love a good neo-classical piece.

Unsolved -

"The Most Mysterious Song on the Internet" - You know I had to put this here.

"Fond My Mind" - Another classic lostwave song. They gotta solve this and TMMS eventually right? RIGHT???

"Wait Forever" - Very ethereal sounding. I really love this one. It's possibly by a German band called the In Tensions or the Intentions but there's no record of them anywhere online?

"Deluded" - Probably one of my favorites. This song SLAPS. The vocalist's performance is delightfully unhinged.

"Baby It's Not Too Late" - Song from an... *ahem* adult film, that's absolutely slammin'. A lot of vintage porn has great music for some reason??? Unfortunately this is likely unsolvable.

"I'm Almost In Love" - Another vintage porn song. This song has an absolutely awesome saxophone and keyboard part??? Also I have no idea why Barni used a picture of some pandas but I'm not complaining. Unfortunately this may be unsolvable.

"Losing My Patience" - Possibly from a porn film??? It's got that energy. I love the guitar solo here.

"Fly Away" - Another famous lostwave, this time from Japan! Despite the slightly unnerving tone, the lyrics are quite mundane???

"Light the Lanterns" - Sometimes called "The Third Most Mysterious Song on the Internet". I love the surreal lyrics.

"Writing from the Train" - Underrated lostwave song. Switches between two different languages for some reason???

"One More Chance" - I really like this one because I feel it has vintage anime vibes for some reason???

"Cat Swimming Guitar Solo" - Awesome guitar solo and Barni put a picture of a cat swimming for some reason, so exactly what it says on the tin!

There's so many more lostwave songs I wanna gush about so I might do a part 2???

[365sylviaplath]

Week of 10/21-10/27

astrology forecast + collective tarot card for the week

Card for this week: Queen of Wands (reversed) - looking inward this week to re-establish your sense of self. lots of inner work the last few weeks (honestly, this year overall) and getting re-acquainted with the person you want to be. for many of us, this is finding that person you want to be for the first time and building a strong foundation from scratch. to become courageous/confident/independent (themes of the Queen of Wands), you have to first learn who you are and bravely stand by yourself! the universe may send you check-ins this week to show you how ready you are to leave the old behind and step into this new self-worth. celebrate yourself and who you're becoming!!!

Transits/Astro forecast: scorpio season is here! even though we've had so much pluto/scorpio energy already in libra season, it honestly snuck up on me a little still. waxing poetic a bit because it's my birthday week...... it's a little surreal how much has changed for me in the last year. some days we focus mainly on what we still have to change/things we feel stuck on, but i'm utilizing this week to remember how much has evolved and how much hard work went into that. you dictate your own journey and set the pace! do not let anyone make you run through the stages you know you need to walk through.

me from last year would be a little stunned that i'm writing a newsletter/blog/whatever i'm calling this. i was struggling with basic self maintenance and had a deep frustration with everything going on in my life. things all felt harder than necessary and i felt powerless to it. i think it's a great week to re-affirm where you are, where you'd like to go, what you desire from your life, so on. scorpio is about depth, intensity, desire - yearning hours are back. change something, end something, admit how you feel - honor that things cannot exist in stasis forever. be real with yourself and those around you, you'll die soon enough. live while you can!

current retrogrades are jupiter, chiron, saturn, uranus, and neptune. my thoughts on pluto in capricorn might have to get their own longer form post because jeez this has been a crazy run. started out with the david cook/david archuleta american idol finale, financial collapse, and michael jackson's passing. a few more weeks and then pluto will begin anew once more in aquarius. life will never be the same etc etc

as for specifics-

monday 10/21 - mercury trine saturn rx - a monday for Locking In. this is probably your most productive day of the week. get to the pesky to-dos you've put off, do some longer term planning, organize your desk, whatever comes to your mind when you hear "productive". applaud your hard work this year as well - last time we had this transit was june 26th of this year, could be some topical reminders from that time frame.

tuesday 10/22 - sun square pluto, sun enters scorpio - entering very boldly here! scorpio season! sun aspecting pluto and then going right into scorpio (ruled by pluto) seems like a bit overkill but i guess we are a dramatic lot. the spirit of transformation is once again with us. how far we've come since the scorpio south node transit (2021-2023).... let's remember that today and thank it for leaving. say your final farewells to that era because we are Not doing that again. anyway.... great day for honoring your intensity, focusing on which areas of your life are ready to be transformed, etc. secretly also a great time to reflectively yearn about the past. i've been natally experiencing this transit as well since pluto began its journey into aquarius last spring and boy it does ask you to transform.

thursday 10/24 - mars sextile uranus rx (and also my birthday) - spontaneity is king today. you've got energy to channel and a desire to part ways with the pieces of your routine that no longer serve you. fun, excitement, spontaneity, curiosity, exploration - all key words today. do something fun and spontaneous in my honor today!

[thessalian]

Thess vs Self-Care

It's been years since I got diagnosed with fibromyalgia, and I'm still making discoveries about the condition and how it affects me. More to the point, I'm still struggling to entirely accept it, and I probably always will. Not the whole thing, obviously - I know I have it, I accept that I have it, and I accept that it sets limitations on me.

...I'm just not really great at accepting how many.

You know, I used to get called lazy when I was a kid? Honestly, classic undiagnosed ADHD thing; I had coping mechanisms for situations like the homework, but most of them were deemed unacceptable, so ... lazy. Anyway, that judgement has haunted me for most of my life, so now I do tend to determine my worth by how much I can actually get done. The best I've ever been able to do is to add things I want to do into the category of "accomplishments". So "Look how far I got in that video game!" goes into the bin of "things I accomplished" along with work, errands, laundry, etc. As long as it's in some way active and actual progress can be made, I can keep my head from eating itself.

The problem comes when I can't even do that.

Today, for instance. Today I went out to get my flu jab, then came home and was just so exhausted that I fell asleep for several hours. I woke up about an hour ago. I am still tired. I want to do things - I have this whole glorious week off and I want to use it to its fullest by having the fun I don't always have the energy to have during a work week. But apparently I've been pushing too hard the last few weeks to the point where I didn't realise how empty the tank was until I didn't absolutely have to run on fumes anymore.

I took this week off specifically to play a lot of Silent Hill 2. I paid extra to get it two days early. But I might as well not have bothered with the latter because the first two full days of me owning the game, I was too wrecked to actually play it. (Well, much.) I'm not sure what, if anything, I'm going to feel up to doing later on, but common sense tells me that it should be bath, dinner, going to bed early. (Well, early for me, at least.) The problem is that the part of me that needs to have accomplished something, particularly since that part needs to have done what I planned to do, is getting me more than a little depressed. Because I can't even have fun right now, and that's bad enough without parts of my brain yelling at me for being too 'weak and lazy' to even have fun.

MY BRAIN IS GARBAGE AND I WANT A NEW ONE.

There will be hot bath, and food, and I will probably feel better. Maybe. Of course, there's also the whole thing where I was given a tiny dose of the flu earlier so that my immune system knows how to fight it off when it comes in from the wild so maybe I'm allowed to feel like shit. After all, the King's College research showed autoimmune links where fibromyalgia is concerned and what that seems to mean is that my body is now a beserker that will trash and potentially burn the entire house to get rid of a single wasp that got in through the window.

Like I said - I accept I have it, and some days I'm even used to it, but somehow I still can't believe this is happening to me. My feelings on it are complicated but, when tired and achy and disappointed, all I can do is mope.

[lacenvs3000w24]

evolution & everything happens for a reason.

Okay, so pretty much everyone since Darwin has heard about evolution by natural selection. BUT this does nothing to change the fact that it’s still such an interesting and exciting topic!! I’m not going to drone on about the theory of evolution - no, Charles did that for us. Instead, I really want to talk about how having some knowledge of that theory makes my time in nature that much more magical. In this way, I hope to bring the three guiding facets of interpretation together - education, recreation, and inspiration (Beck et al., 2018).

(Side note; I bought a copy of “On the origin of species” when I got accepted to UofG, and still have not managed to make my way through it. No hate to Darwin, but I think we could’ve taken some notes from this class to make that read a bit more engaging - jokes, of course. If any of you have read it in its entirety, I’d love to hear your thoughts…is it worth the read? did he include anything that would be deemed a “hot take” in our modern day?).

In biological studies, we come back to evolution all the time, and we blame it for nearly everything. At this point, I’ve learned the more mechanistic view of evolution, the misconceptions about it, and where we see it in ourselves and the rest of the biological world.

And yeah, makes sense, right?

But for me, it all really clicked last semester in my Animal Behaviour class, which pulled a lot of ideas from economics, cost and benefit, and the prisoner’s dilemma (cue loud groan). I know, I know, booooring.

But honestly, it really put it all into perspective for me –  the grandiose concepts of evolution finally had a really solid foundation, such that the story of any natural sight I see is clearer in my mind.

Like, okay, why do parents take care of their young?

Silly question, right? But really think about it for a sec. Well, we know that offspring are genetically related to their parents – if a parent doesn’t take care of their young, the young (and the parent’s genes, and even potentially the act of providing for young) does not persist.

We also know that in some species, one parent (mother or father) puts way more energy into raising the young than the other parent does. Again, why? If they’re both equally related, why isn’t this behaviour equal between the two?

There are a lot of “it depends” here, but one example is that the mother can be 100% sure that those babies are hers, while the father can’t be quite as sure – what if the mama snuck off with another fellow and those kids don’t have any of the “father’s” genes?

Basically, to hedge his bets, the father doesn’t spend his energy on raising young, and instead spends it looking for other potential partners.

who woulda thought that evolution would explain why there's so much drama and gambling in the natural world??

A Friend in Need (1903) by Cassius Marcellus Coolidge

My other favourite example has to do with food caching behaviour in red squirrels vs. grey squirrels. Grey squirrels hide food all over the place, spreading out their cache. Red squirrels make one big stockpile. So, if a grey squirrel defends its caches, it wastes a ton of energy, almost for nothing. It physically couldn’t manage to guard all its nuts at once, so defending one cache leaves an opportunity for other caches to be robbed.

A red squirrel, though, benefits a lot from defending its cache. If it does, it stands a much higher chance of keeping itself fed through the winter, and if it doesn’t, it has lost all of the eggs from its single basket. This explains why red squirrels are the angry little guys they are – they aren’t just evil little devils who’ve escaped from hell. Instead, they just got out of their econ lecture!

Photo: https://www.flickr.com/photos/12144772@N06/1700328393

So, while it might seem that going through the mild pains of learning the theory and its economic/math-y/mechanistic intricacies would make nature as a whole feel less magical, I think it does the exact opposite. I feel like knowing these connections paints a really bright hue on my view of nature. “Why is that thing the way it is?” is such a cool, whimsical question to get caught up in, and I love it.

We've been educated, we've had some fun looking at some silly animal examples, and hopefully there was a hint of inspiration in here too!

Mother Nature really said “everything happens for a reason” and I think that’s super neat.

Anyone else have an "evolution epiphany" moment to share?

References

Beck, L., Cable, T. T., & Knudson, D. M. (2018). Chapter 3: Values to Individuals and Society. In Interpreting Cultural and Natural Heritage for a Better World (pp. 41-56). Sagamore Publishing.

[danandphilchronology]

Sebastian: Universe Defender + Psycho Boyfriend!

Sebastian: Universe Defender

Psycho Boyfriend!

Sebastian: Universe Defender

I’m going to ditch the wayback machine for a while. I might decide to take a peak and let you know what else was going on in the YouTube community, but I’m going to shift my focus to the content! We are starting today with a video uploaded in October of 2008 and based solely on the title and the little bit of the description I can see right off the bat, I am thinking that Phil is blessing me with another short film style video. 

I am interested to see what his content continuous to grow as while he is back at University! From what I know of the Phil Lore, he has graduated with is bachelors already (correct me if I’m wrong) and he is working on his Masters in Video Post Production at University of York. 

Something that I think is very interesting is at how quickly we (as a society of social media consumers) are so quick to discount content creators intelligence and smarts. Dan and Phil are perfect examples of this because of the fun and ditzy content they create. They are some very down to earth creators who are not afraid to connect with their audience, but, at the end of the day, they are some of the most well performing and creative content creators. Between the two of them they have a handful of films, a career on radio, three New York Times #1 best selling books, three world wide tours, and two original games. They were, and arguably still are, a social media empire all on their own, but the internet, and even their most loyal followers, discount their wit and smarts because silly little twink duo make booby joke. 

ANYWAY, we are here to react to a 15 year old AmazingPhil video, not write a novel on how poorly the internet treats it’s creators.

This immediately have me deja vu (which I think was the point considering the drink in the video is literally called deja vu), so I looked back in my notes to see if this was reminding me of something we had already watched OR if I am thinking of one of his more recent videos. I didn’t find anything blaringly obvious, so I am going to make a mental note to keep an eye out for anything like this in the future. The closest think I could find was Jonathan and Mary Beth Argue with the sprite, but… it is not the same thing. Someone needs to really tell Phil not to take things from Stangers, especially those in long trench coats with suspiciously packaged sodas. This video, while short, is actually such a fun and creative idea about timeloops and what could be the pointlessness in attempting to travel back in time to stop something from happening. Honestly, such a fun video. Would watch again. 

Total Watch Time 27m 12s

Psycho Boyfrined!

I am immediately interested based solely on the title because I am disgusting. That is, honestly, the only reason. I love looking back at older videos and overanalyzing moments in order to say things like “omg was that a soft gay?”, and I used to feel back about it until Dan and Phil reacted to all the PINOF videos, and now I feel like I have been allowed. Anyway this video is less than a minute, so I don’t expect to get much out of it, but it has 1.3 million views, so maybe its worth the watch.

… Phil is so clearly attracted to vampires that it is uncomfortable. This video has the same energy as his newest AITA. Like “who cares if he got hit by a car. He is already at the hospital” and “she didn’t die or anything and I get the day off”. Phil really is Mr. Silver Lining. This was actually crazy and I don’t even know what else to say about it…

Total Watch Time 27m 51s

[sun-in-retrograde]

Outer Dwarf Planets - Taurus New Moon

This month we have a very very very very Taurus Taurus New Moon. The Sun, Moon, Mercury, the North Node and Jupiter are all in Taurus but rather than speaking about that I wanted to cover the outer planets we ignore. I’m covering:

Eris is the same size as Pluto and honestly it’s a very potent planet whose energies always seem to show up. 

Sedna, Orcus, Makemake, Haumea, Quaoar, Gonggong and Salacia are more subtle in my view, and honestly I use them mostly when they have a close alignment to other planets or to significant natal positions.

Eris has no part in this whole deal - look at your own chart to see if its different for you! Eris is slow so when it has aspects, especially with outer planet bodies or natal positions on your chart they last years and are worth knowing about. Eris energy is fast, agressive, assertive, dangerous, and not really the vobe for Taurus season. With no aspects you may find that energy difficult to access so stay true to your beliefs and don’t let people push you around!

Sedna is trined to Pluto, sextile Mars and conjunct the Sun and Moon. So a lot of energy here! Sedna is usually seen as a planet of trauma, victimhood, and evolution. Conjunct the North Node makes this a powerful time to heal, especially with that transformative Pluto energy coming in. Heck, especially because Pluto is retrograde so old pains may be a little tender and come to the surface for a while.

Sedna is slow it’s making its way out of Taurus. It has one more New Moon to go before its first new moon in Gemini, but then it will immediately retrograde and we’ll be retracing old ground in Taurus for much of the next year. It was in 29 degrees of Taurus July to October 2021, May to December 2022, and will return December 2023 to April 2024. So you may want to play close attention to hurt from this time and understand that this hurt is part of a cycle - Sedna will return to these points again and you can continue to work on releasing pain and healing in future new moons.

Orcus entered Virgo in 2009 and will stay there till 2038. I’ve often seen it described as a little, darker, Pluto. It’s associated with obsession and death. It’s in a close sextile with Venus that for some reason astro.com didn’t pick up on. Venus. Orcus seems well placed to pick up on problems at home or in places you feel emotionally safe. It’s a little voice warning you about red flags and heck, it might not be necessary to act on it right away, but I think it’s always a good idea to *note* this kind of thing

Makemake; Salacia; Quaoar 

Makemake Is in opposition to Salacia and has been active on and off since 2004. The t-square with Quaoar first emerged in 2014. Makemake is often associated with nature, degrowth and loss of resources and Salacia with both the sexual and the hidden. 

The Makemake-Salacia opposition began to be really felt in 2005 under mutable signs as George W Bush began to seriously prepare for a global pandemic and the ideas that formed the response to COVID were coalescing. The Iceland Volcanic eruption of 2010 and the Zombie movie craze seem to have fed into the message of a society preparing to stop. 

Quaoar usually comes into play with revelations and squaring this opposition at new moon might be a chance for us to consider what we lost track of in the pandemics and lock downs that we may want back, and what, we want to get rid of. It may also be a chance to think about the kind of society we want and can afford to have, and consider what we can get rid of to help save the Earth or survive in the difficult post-pandemic economy. These can be difficult questions. Believe in the power of “no”.

Gonggong the planet of outside context problems, hidden knowledge and turning things to a new angle, is conjunct Saturn in Pisces, sextile to Mercury and the North Node in Taurus. This to me seems like a good thing if you want to stay grounded while raising difficult issues. But it has a disadvantage that there’s quite a lot here to slow up progress. 

[twistedtummies2]

Top 12 Portrayals of Nephew Fred (from "A Christmas Carol")

Continuing my Christmas Carol Week Marathon, here’s the next character we’re going to cover: Nephew Fred. I’ve often felt Fred is sort of an underrated character in the Carol story. While he is featured in many adaptations, he never seems to get the kudos that characters like Cratchit or even the more minor Fezziwig get. This is funny to me because, outside of Cratchit, he’s arguably the most important human character in the book that Scrooge is involved with. Much like Cratchit, Fred acts as a foil to Scrooge, but in a different way. He, too, is an opposing figure: a man who is related to Scrooge, and seems fairly well-off (despite Scrooge calling him “poor enough,” which really gives you a good idea of the vast differences between the classes of the time, if nothing else), but while his uncle is foul-tempered and at times downright cruel, Fred is jovial, mischievous, and yet also has a kind heart. He is someone who totally and completely embraces not only the holiday spirit, but the very humanity Scrooge shuns: he’s outgoing and playful, and thinks of how he can help the people around him whenever possible. What makes Fred truly important in the story, however, is the simple fact he’s Scrooge’s only living relative. It says something about Scrooge that his nephew wants nothing more than to be with him for the holidays, and cares for him greatly, yet Scrooge treats him with such disdain. There’s a lot you can read into with their relationship, and why it is the way it is (Dickens leaves some indications, but doesn’t spell a whole lot out in crystal clarity), but the important takeaway is that he represents another great mistake in Scrooge’s life. Ebenezer doesn’t just shut out people who are “beneath” him, such as workers and clients, but also closes himself off from the people he should be most connected to: his own family. When Scrooge repents, he vows to make that right and rejoins not only society, but the family he never should have let go. Fred is yet another character I’ve played (twice this time), and he’s honestly a really hard character to nail: it’s difficult to keep the energy and the good will he presents up and not make it seem phony or overly obnoxious. Once again, picking my favorite versions of him out was difficult, but I think these choices are more or less accurate. Here are My Top 12 Portrayals of Nephew Fred!

12. David Tate, from A Christmas Carol (1971). (He'd be higher if he had more to do.)

11. Ray Middleton, from Shower of Stars: A Christmas Carol. (In this version, the actor who plays Fred also plays the Ghost of Christmas Present. Interesting little twist there.)

10. Robert Cochran, from Scrooge (1935). (This is the first sound version of the Carol, and it has NOT aged well, but I do genuinely think this is a good Fred.)

9. Donald Duck, from Mickey’s Christmas Carol. (R.I.P. Clarence Nash. Also, see David Tate.)

8. The Version from “A Christmas Carol (1997).” (I’ve never been able to positively identify the voice actor for this one. I THINK it might be an actor by the name of Ian Whitcomb, but I am not totally certain.) 

7. Paul Copley, from A Christmas Carol (1977).

6. Brian Worth, from Scrooge (1951).

5. Michael Medwin, from Scrooge (1970). (For some reason, in this version, the character’s name is changed to Harry Huffman. The same name was used in the recent Netflix remake...but that's another story.)

4. Roger Rees, from A Christmas Carol (1984).

3. Colin Firth, from A Christmas Carol (2009).

2. Barry MacKay, from A Christmas Carol (1938). (I have some issues with this version, but I think its take on Nephew Fred is almost perfect.)

1. Dominic West, from A Christmas Carol (1999).

[hackedmotionsensors]

GOD SORRY LMFAO

I’M SORRY I’M RUNNING BEHIND AGAIN ON OPENING COMMS.

They’ll be open...probably tomorrow morning. I’m trying to use Ko-fi’s commission form so everything is nice and neat but I’ve not done this before so its kinda confusing lol 

Actually honestly its pretty clean and has lots of little add ons and stuff that make organizing things really nice but I’m not sure how things will look on your end or how they’ll look on my end when a comm comes in so if I goof something up on the first part I’m so so sorry lol

Also I know I was REALLY lowballing sketch coms before but I can’t afford, nor do I have the energy, to do 15$ commissions for sketches. So the base price for a black and white bust sketch will be 30$. Thats still really low all things considered but I want to make things ...cheap and fast and also...worth my time and energy. This is a reminder that that price is EXTREMELY low and that artists who charge a more sensible price than that are not over charging. I’m lowballing bc I’m fuckin broke lol

If that price is too high even little donations help me out in the long run so if you want you can leave a donation for as little as 3$? 6$?Just remember to leave a comment that its a donation so I know its not a request

I also have a few new rules so please be mindful of that. ↴

I’d say the most important rule is do not message me on any platform BUT ko-fi and if you commission me please check your ko-fi messages. Most likely I won’t have anything to say unless you’re sending me references. I have my DMs off on all platforms and I don’t really want to use my email unless I’m sending something to you. Ko-fi will be the only way to contact me and for me to contact you.

The other important one will be no real people. I’m sorry I feel uncomfortable drawing a real person being it you, your auntie, or an actor you like. (If its like...a live action character that’s different bc I’m just gonna make them anime anyway lol)

The other OTHER new rule will be I have to limit what I can draw from marvel. IT’LL BE IN THE POST but basically I’m still under NDA. You’re probably okay to ask for stevetony....bc they’re dead :)  (Also my crew was well aware of my ST shipping lol)   But you can dm me first to ask what is probably okay. I know i get a lot of BuckyTony which isn’t my thing but I know you guys are thirsty. But since Bucky is still in the current mcu I don’t know...if I’m allowed. Things like Billy, Tommy, Teddy....probably fine if its comic book based. Its WEIRD lol There’s a lot of grey and I just wanna be able to get hired again yknow?? lmfao Absolutely NO spider-man at all. AT ALL. I’m not risking it. 

Unless you were one of my crew members then (how’d you find this account???) ....i’ll just dm you privately lol

So yea if you’re interested in MCU, since I know a lot of people originally followed me for that....you gotta let me know first before sending your comm request in...I THINK?? I don’t exactly know who gets what first on the commission thing on ko-fi. 

and then the usual rules like please no gore, please no NSFW (spicy is fine but not explicit), Maximum 2 characters, try to keep them simple bc they’re sketches not fully rendered pieces, Furries are okay but not recommended (I’d rather send you to a furry artist with comms open since I’m primarily an anime artist ...more or less lol) , PLEASE be mindful of things that might make ME uncomfortable. I’m very VERY open minded and most things DON’T bother me but remember I’m not really an open NSFW artist or kink artist or anything like that. I know I can come off as really wild or loose minded (????) in terms of shipping but there’s been a few times I’ve felt really uncomfortable with comms and I just did them anyway bc I needed the money. You can always ask me ahead of time if you’re really unsure. When it comes to shipping what you might think is comfortable might make me VERY uncomfortable. 

lol THIS WILL ALL BE IN THE POST SORRY TO DUMP HERE  lol but i have more text space here

So yeah I need to make a graphic and then it should be up tomorrow.

[themovieblogonline]

Kill: A Bloody Good Time on a Train

Hold onto your butts, folks! "KILL" is the latest action-packed thriller that's hitting us harder than a runaway train. just like the movie "Kill"! This Indian action flick just hit theaters, and let me tell you, it's a wild ride. Directed by Nikhil Nagesh Bhat, this movie features Lakshya as the relentless hero, Tanya Maniktala as his love interest, and Raghav Juyal as a ruthless villain. It's a wild ride that feels like Jason Statham hijacked a Bollywood set. Let's dive into what makes "KILL" tick, and what kind of speed bumps it hits along the way. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=da7lKeeS67c&pp=ygUKa2lsbCBtb3ZpZQ The Good: Action So Intense You'll Need a Neck Brace First things first, this movie's got action sequences that'll have you glued to your seat. From the first fight scene to the last, "KILL" delivers action in spades. We're talking hand-to-hand combat, brutal takedowns, and enough blood to fill a swimming pool (okay, maybe not that much, but you get the idea). The confined setting of a train adds a claustrophobic intensity that keeps you on the edge of your seat. Every punch, kick, and knife thrust feels visceral. Lakshya's portrayal of an unstoppable hero brings a certain raw energy that's hard to ignore. This guy doesn't just fight; he demolishes anyone in his path with a kind of brutal grace. It's like "Bullet Train" on a bad acid trip, and honestly, I kind of loved it. The movie's premise is straightforward but gripping. A gang hijacks a train with only knives, turning it into a rolling battleground. The hero, driven by revenge for his father’s death, must fight his way through this gauntlet of goons. The camera work makes every punch feel impactful, and the tight corridors of the train enhance the feeling of confinement and danger. It’s like "Bullet Train" meets "Taken," but with a distinct Bollywood flavor. Plus, the soundtrack is killer (pun intended). It's intense, relentless, and perfectly complements the high-stakes action on screen. Every time you think you can catch your breath, the music pulls you back into the chaos. There's barely a moment to relax in this movie, but hey, that's not why we watch action flicks, right? The Bad: Acting? Let's Just Focus on the Fights The acting in "Kill" is a bit, well, rough around the edges. Let's just say it won't win any Oscars. But here's the thing: in an action movie like this, who cares? Lakshya, our hero, might not deliver Shakespearean monologues, but he throws one heck of a punch. And Tanya Maniktala? She holds her own as the leading lady who gets thrown into the chaos (and somehow manages to look good while doing it). Another thing to keep in mind: the plot is pretty predictable. There's a revenge motive, a bunch of bad guys who keep making silly decisions (seriously, how many times can you leave the hero for dead?), and a whole lot of killing. The story follows a familiar revenge-driven arc without many surprises. The hero's motivations and the gang's reasons for hijacking the train are straightforward, leaving little room for plot twists or deeper narrative exploration. But hey, if you're looking for something that'll challenge your brain, this ain't it. "Kill" is pure, unadulterated action fun. The Verdict: A Must-Watch for Action Junkies "KILL" is a rollercoaster of an action movie that delivers high-octane thrills from start to finish. If you're expecting a deep and meaningful story, "Kill" might not be your cup of tea. But if you're down for a wild, bloody ride with some truly impressive action sequences, then this movie is definitely worth checking out. Lakshya's heroics, Tanya Maniktala's emotional depth, and Raghav Juyal's chilling villainy keep you hooked. Despite its predictable plot and occasional lapses in logic, the movie's relentless action and intense soundtrack make it a must-watch for action fans. If you're in the mood for a Bollywood movie that punches as hard as Jason Statham flick, "KILL" is your ticket. Oh, and one last thing: don't blink during the final fight.  You've been warned.

[caffeinated-chaos-bean]

Heya Bean! How are you doing?

I'm doing better than I was!! I shoulda made an update, but I just haven't. No real reason, I just never did. o:

My mom finally got her SSI income, so I'm no longer the sole provider of the household. I also FINALLY clawed my way out of my old job after 5 years worth of trying. The tips you get in a food service position may be nice, but the shit you put up with in order to gain those tips are NOT worth it. I'm finally out of there and no longer a barista, despite my love for coffee. I'm still with the casino I worked for, but its a whole different department outright. I'm now considered part of security working as a dispatcher. So long to the days of being told I "work slower than the r*tarded people at McDonalds" by the entitled bingo ladies and drug addicts. :'D

I'm also finally seeing a proper therapist and psychiatrist for my anxiety and depression (mainly the anxiety, since it's the worst). I'm on two medications for that now and can say it has helped. I do still suffer from Trichotillomania, and have pinpointed that I go for the sides of my head and one specific spot in the upper back when it happens. I've been doing some research on it and I may bring it up to my primary doctor because there MIGHT be a way to help get me to stop through the use of topical steroids for the scalp, a specific type of medical shampoo, and oral steroids. I do have itchiness along with the Trichotillomania, regardless of how often or how little I wash my hair, so that's how I found out about this option. I included the itch.

And I have a new, better primary doctor. She's finally getting my health in check unlike my previous one. She could tell (aside from my bloodwork) just by looking at my fingers that I was severely anemic. B12 shots are set up for the next 6 months and I had X-rays and an EKG done for my heart palpitations. I'm in the process of scheduling an appointment with their hematology department to get more specific bloodwork done and set up an iron infusion to see if I can benefit from it. I honestly really think I can trust this doctor despite only having had ONE appointment with her thus far. I see her again in the next two weeks as a follow-up for all of this.

There's also some plans for Halloween. I won't say what, but... just know this blog isn't dead. I'm always here, lurking. I just don't have energy due to the severe anemia. Well, also with all the medical appointments and physical therapy for my wrist surgery recovery but still. ^^;;

I'm sorry to have dumped ALL of this info here into the one ask, but hey. When I open up, I really do open up. I'm that little ginger hiding in the back corner away from the other kids in class, observing what goes on. I see all, I know the dirty secrets. I'm the one you should fear. Fufufufu~ >:3

[dzpenumbra]

7/22/23

Geez, feels like July 4 was just yesterday... it's been over 2 weeks.

I don't really have a lot to write about today, honestly. I got a ton of sleep, I'm crediting a shower right before bed. I skipped coffee and went with green tea instead today, I still have a ton of tea... I'm just usually in the habit of making and drinking an entire pot of coffee every day to start my day. Because of that change... I've been much lower energy today. But I do feel much more tired at this point in the night, around 2:30AM, which is good. We'll see if I can keep that going, do like... 2 cups of tea instead of 3-4 cups of coffee.

I skipped yoga today. I'm not really sure why. I think I was just really hungry and just didn't want to wait. Changing one part of a complex ritual like starting my day can make a lot of it start to fall apart. I'm planning to do my yoga after this journal to make up for it.

I didn't really accomplish a ton today. But I did get the color finished on my grip-tape. The base color, that is. And... it's already affecting my grip. The raw grip tape has a much more grippy feel compared to the painted parts... and the whole board is going to be painted. I guess I don't really have a problem with it, I just need to get used to it... and it definitely won't be able to stand up to rain even a little bit. But I got the gold and the deep crimson done. Now, all I have to do is shading and start adding in detail.

I think its important for me to make art that is destined to be temporary. This grip tape art will deteriorate. I will "ruin" it. That's kinda... part of the deal. And that's expected. It's super counter-intuitive with today's materialistic society where we feel compelled to hoard every fleeting Tweet for decades... for some reason... So this piece is much more than just a pretty design. It's me deliberately making something beautiful that I know will eventually succumb to the elements over time. And to embrace and love that as an act of life and art within itself. An exercise in letting go of attachment.

I also fucked around with making shapes and mandala designs in Magic, the music visualizer program I use. I wanted to make it so that I had a mandala that mirrors each shape... the kaleidoscope effect and all that... but each shape can be individually controlled, with its mirrors changing as well. Separating the shapes and manually mirroring was really just a matter of math, so that wasn't the end of the world. What I've been struggling with is making organic shapes. All of the mandalas I make use organic kinda floral shapes. I'm not really sure how to make these shapes in the program I'm using.

It might be worth making assets in a different program - like Blender - then bringing them into Magic for the visualization process. That leads me to the thought... I could just make 3D shapes, modelled in Blender. That brings me back to an idea I've been tossing around for weeks - the idea of making a 3D mandala. I read that in certain practices and schools of spirituality, mandalas are depictions of the palaces of heaven from a bird's eye view. I don't know how widespread this is, but the idea did hit me to... make a mandala the way I usually do in Blender... then model it into a 3D structure. I think that could be cool.

Anyway, that's kinda where I'm at. Beads are on the backburner as I let their wood treatment cure. Just kinda... working on the grip tape and planning on doing clothes next.

Yep, that's it for today. No existential deep-dive. No venting about society or my neighbors. Just a quiet low-key day of watching/listening to YouTube videos and painting on the floor. Could use more of them, honestly.

[sssrha]

transcription of slides under the cut:

[SLIDE 1] the vibes ao3’s top 9 mdzs ships give me (a really stupid thing i made on a lazy saturday)

[SLIDE 2] wangxian: the wholesome canon relationship (with a hint of spice)

ok maybe calling the union between a demonic cultivator and a secret sex fiend “wholesome” isnt exactly accurate…but that’s where the “hint of spice” comes in

other than that tho? i remember seeing a meme somewhere about wangxian and sangcheng and wangxian was described as “domestic gays with a house and a white picket fence and two kids” and honestly? yes 

not that they cant be freaky. id say their particular brand of freakiness is vaguely surrealist suburban horror. make of that what you will

[SLIDE 3] xicheng: either its “pair the spares” or just about trauma

their dynamic is 500% “karen/enabling husband” but like in a good way

objectively the best-dressed couple you will ever meet. like seriously why are you even trying? theyve got you beat

jc would own a flower shop and punch you in the face for saying a single bad thing about his flowers. lxc would own a tattoo parlor and hand you a lollipop and tell you how proud he is of you for not crying while he gave you a tattoo

they dont strike me as a “every evening we relax and watch the sunset” type of relationship B U T every other week they go stargazing with a detailed map of the night sky

[SLIDE 4] xiyao: either a) the angst of betraying/being betrayed or b) the angst of killing/being killed

high society gays. they would both unironically wear tuxedos to a mcdonalds. lxc would see it as a fun couples thing and jgy would do it to assert his dominance

i swear they would be among the smiliest of the major couples. only one of them would give you a happy smile

dont mess with them. no like dont mess with any of the couples but so far jgy is the first one who would make your life living hell and keep you around long enough to suffer the consequences

[SLIDE 5] sangcheng: being simultaneously over- and underestimated

i saw a meme about sangcheng and wangxian where sangcheng was described as something along the lines of “wine aunt and vodka uncle” and honestly? yes

they’re both human disasters. nhs would have various splotches of color on his clothes and you cant tell if it was intentional or if theyre actually stains. jc is very neat and organized but will have a mental breakdown at the slightest inconvenience

sometimes they just sit down across from each other and. cry. its how they bond

idk why it popped into my head but they’re both ace Because I Said So

[SLIDE 6] xuexiao: cute domesticity but also murder

i refuse to believe that xy is anything but unhinged in every universe. whether or not thats a good thing is up to you

xy could and would murder you in your sleep and not feel bad about it until xxc told him off. even then he might still decide it was worth it

xxc doesnt exactly know about The Murder Stuff(TM) but he knows some shit is off but he trusts xy enough to not comment on it

they would meet and hook up in a bar and mutually decide that they may as well stay together for the rest of their lives the next morning

[SLIDE 7] xuanli: the token straights (but also? theyre really cute???)

i did not expect them to be as cute as they were but here i am

anyway jyl has jzxuan wrapped around her little finger and shes just too nice to use that to her advantage

if jyl asked jzxuan for some chocolate jzxuan would just buy her the entire hershey company and forget to give her an actual chocolate bar and jyl is too sweet to actually say anything about it

they would definitely have like 20 children. theyd fucking love being parents. the moment having another child became dangerous theyd start adopting left and right. theyre rich they can afford it and their hearts are big enough for all their kids so why would they not?

[SLIDE 8] songxiao: childhood friends to lovers AND perfect power couple

i know they have more nuance than this but i cant help but think of them as The Perfect Couple(TM)

not shipping-wise!! i mean like. theyre both law-abiding citizens. their house looks like a model house. theyre dressed super neat and handsomely. they both know cpr and first aid and one of them is a lawyer and the other is an award winning writer. idk who is who but yk.

they are who people call to deal with problems instead of the police and they delight in that fact. that is what i mean by them being The Perfect Couple(TM)

[SLIDE 9] chengxian: disasters through and through

uhh i am going to be spending the entirety of this slide ignoring the fact that i personally consider them siblings

they would live in a dingy studio apartment in the heart of a city and theyd both never be home

theyre both super fucking rich but theyd never have any money on hand so dont be surprised if they just starve out on the street one day because theyre just that stupid

they collectively have the self esteem of rotting cabbage but theyre keeping themselves and each other alive purely out of spite and sheer force of will

[SLIDES 10] nielan: childhood friends to lovers AND himbo power couple

psst heres a secret: neither of them are actually himbos

H O W E V E R they both 500% pretend they are. they intentionally act as stupid as possible just for the fun of it

the best part is when they stop acting stupid when something important happens. crouching-moron-hidden-badass at its finest

also the older brother energy is overflowing. it does not matter who you are or how old you are. if you meet them then youre going to walk away with two new big brothers

[SLIDES 11] the end (unless i gather the willpower to make a part 2)

[thefanficmonster]

Casual

Ranboo x Reader (Female)

Warnings: None, unless talking about the future counts

Genre: FLUFF, Humor, RPF (Real Person Fic)

Summary: Following the arrival of the dreadful invitation to his cousin’s wedding Ranboo turns to the only cover-up he can think of to keep his still-single status hidden from his family.

Requested by Anon. Hi darling! Thank you so much for your wonderful request! I’m so glad you sent your idea to me and I’m so glad you were my first official Ranboo request. I’m really sorry it’s taken me so long to write it but I still hope you’ll come across it and read it! Love, Vy ❤

“Heyyy, so Y/N, I have a favor to ask you...um yeah, call me back, it’s awkward sending it via voicemail. Bye“

Huh - that’s the first thought that goes through my head when I listen to the voicemail left after a missed call from my best friend Ranboo. The favors he usually asks for consist of requesting assistance for his videos in which I also appear with a mask and sunglasses to keep the brand running. I genuinely have nothing against my face being shown but when I think about it, I’m honestly a bit glad people can’t identify me.

Anyways, back to the favors, Ranboo is no stranger to asking me for them but they’ve never been considered too awkward for a voicemail which is why I’m no slightly concerned. I’ve been swamped with work for school and studies for the graduation finals for the past two weeks and it seems like I’ll never get on top of it and I know Ranboo’s been in a similar situation too, so maybe he needs help with that? He’s not used to asking help for school stuff, he sometimes even has a hard time accepting it when I openly offer it to him.

I eventually sigh, decide that playing this guessing game will not get me anywhere and settle on giving him a call as I make my way home from the gym with my legs barely putting up with the task of carrying me around.

He picks up on the second ring.

“Hey! Wh-...“

“Would you pretend to be my girlfriend for my cousin’s wedding next weekend?!“

My legs take that opportunity to stop moving in the middle of the sidewalk which is luckily void of any people at the moment. It’s not my fault my body’s first reaction was to freeze up at the question that came flying at me like an out-of-control jet, almost as though he’s been dying to say it and get it over with.

“Um...run that by me again please, I think I misunderstood.“ I say, blinking blankly as though awoken from a fever dream. No, actually as though I’m IN a fever dream right now.

“Ok, now that the cat’s out of the bag, wanna grab some coffee and talk about it face-to-face. I need to see your facial expressions to gauge what response to expect.“ He says, the previous nervousness gone and his voice calm as regularly once again.

I’m this close to face-palming but I squeeze my eyes tightly shut and bring myself to utter a reply, “Our usual spot. Be there in ten minutes.”

                                                             *  *  *

“No freaking way.“ I shake my head, folding my arms over my chest as I lean back in my seat in the booth we picked when we arrived. Good thing I got an iced coffee cause even a hot one would’ve gone cold by now considering I haven’t yet taken the time to have even a sip of it. I’ve been too busy listening to the long and short of the explanation and begging speech Ranboo probably made last night to try and convince me to agree to this nonsense. “Dude, we’ve been friends since middle school-...“

“Exactly! Who else was I gonna ask?“ He cuts me off, pleading gaze meeting my unimpressed one.

I huff before continuing my previous statement, “We’ve been friends since middle school so you know my opinion on weddings.” I put extra emphasis on the word ‘opinion’, giving him the clear hint at the distaste I’ve expressed on the topic multiple times before.

“And you know we’re on the same page there but there’s no way I can avoid going unless someone kidnaps me.“ He too now gets in the same stance as me, his coffee forgotten too.

I can’t help but snort out a little laugh, “I’d be more than happy to kidnap you considering the other option is far less appealing to me.“

He, of course, rolls his eyes at me as though he didn’t offer to do the same thing so I could avoid an exam but anyways. “So you’re gonna choose to fake a kidnapping that has the potential of landing you in jail over coming to eat some great food and maybe even have some fun at a wedding with your best friend? I’m hurt.“ He says, frowning to cover up the smile that’s fighting its way onto his face.

Now it’s my turn to roll my eyes, “I’d be kidnapping you, dummy...” I cut myself off to let out a long sigh and calm down before I go off at him. His smirk isn’t helping me much with the task either. I’ve known Ranboo long enough to know he’ll eventually convince me and he’s known me long enough to know how to do that exactly. With that in mind, there’s really no point in getting so worked up and wasting my energy. And so, despite my own rationality, I cave. “Fine, but I’m not staying the whole wedding.“

His eyes immediately light up and almost makes me feel the compromise was worth it. Almost. I mean, when you’ve been best friends with someone for so long, seeing them happy is worth more to you than your own comfort sometimes.

And he knows it too. Which is exactly why he outstretches his hand for me to shake and says: “Just one dance and you’re free to go. Deal?”

I take his hand without hesitations. That’s a better offer than I could’ve ever imagined. “Damn straight it’s a deal.“

                                                            *  *  *

“How long until you kick the heels off?“ Ranboo asks, bringing me a non-alcoholic cocktail and sitting down next to me.

I take a sip and giggle, “You kidding? I already kicked them off and replaced them with flats. I need mobility if we dance. They also lower the risk of me severing off a toe of yours if I step on you on accident.”

He laughs, clinking his glass against mine before he gets a bit more serious, “By the way, thanks for handling my family’s attack so well. I know it might’ve been a bit much but you handled it like a pro. Still, I’m sorry on their behalf.”

I shake my head and wave my hand dismissively, “Don’t mention it. I’d probably react the same way if my brother or cousin brought a date to an important family event like this.” I instinctively turn to look in the direction of where the majority of his family has gathered around, chatting with guests, smiling brightly. It’s hard not to immediately take a liking towards these people. They’ve been a second family to me ever since Ranboo and I started hanging out so I completely understand why they were so shocked to see me in the role of his ‘girlfriend’.

“I’ll tell my parents the truth later, our extended family is the ones I wanted to fool to be perfectly honest.“ He looks around as do I and we catch more than a few pairs of eyes fixated on us that turn away when they realize they’ve been spotted, “Mission accomplished by the looks of it.“

I chuckle. I’ve never felt so comfortable at a wedding before. I don’t feel stressed nor anxious despite knowing that there’s quite the number of eyes on me and there are whispers going around about my ‘relationship’ with Ranboo. It’s oddly calming and relaxing to be surrounded by some familiar and some unfamiliar faces. This cocktail is pretty great too.

Speaking of which, if it had any alcohol in it I’d blame it for the decision I’m about to make but this one’s entirely on me: I tap Ranboo with one hand while taking out my phone with the other. “If we’re already the talk of the wedding, let’s give them something to talk about.“ I say as I put up my phone, pretending to be taking a selfie leaning in to give him a kiss on the cheek.

When I pull away I can clearly see that he’s still processing what just happened. I can’t help but burst out in a fit of laughter as I reach out to wipe the lipstick stain I left on his cheek. He looks like a lost, clueless puppy with the question: ‘what on Earth just happened???’ replaying in his head and it’s so freaking cute!

Wait....what was that? Since when do I use the adjective cute to describe Ranboo? Didn’t I think he looks handsome in a suit earlier too? The hell is with me today?

Then it hits me - the feeling isn’t foreign. Like, I know I’ve felt it before but I never analyzed it or even bothered to acknowledge it. But now that I do, I’m afraid of what it might be.

“There!“ I say, desperately trying to push the thoughts away along with this little firework show in my stomach, “Now you have pinker cheeks. Well, cheek, singular.“

As if snapping out of his state of confusion, he returns to Earth with a smirk, “Kiss the other to even it?”

Alright, his blush might not be even but mine now is and it’s ten times as intense and very much apparent but I don’t let the feeling shine through anything else as I proceed to actually kiss his other cheek too, wiping the lipstick stain.

“Thanks. You’re the best.” And just like that, as though it’s no big deal, he kisses my forehead.

See, that’s the thing, it shouldn’t be a big deal! It’s never been! This is far from the first time I’ve kissed him on the cheek or the first time he’s given me a forehead kiss. These are regular occurrences after years of this lovely friendship we have. Why do they feel so different now?

Then, much to my relief, the music starts and the lights turn off leaving only one spotlight for the groom and bride to have their first dance. They look absolutely astonishing and I can certainly say I’ve never before stopped to think that about any newly weds of the weddings I’ve preciously been to. I don’t know if it has something to do with the company I have for this particular wedding or it’s maybe the fact that my mindset’s changed over the years without me realizing.

Then I automatically look at Ranboo who just so happens to be looking at me too and all I can say is: my mindset hasn’t changed.

A loud applause takes over when the couple finish their dance, officially opening the dancefloor for any other pairs who’d like to occupy it and I’m happy to see how many people are eager to rush up with their partner.

 Ranboo gets up, putting the glass down and offers me his hand, “So, wanna dance? Don’t take this as a sign to leave though, we said one dance and you CAN leave, not SHOULD.” He says, giving me a warning look.

I roll my eyes and am about to give him some sass right back but he takes my hand and picks me up from my seat, leading me to the dancefloor.  And I gotta admit maybe it’s a good thing he did. If he left it to me I would’ve probably said no to the dance and ran the hell away. Why? - Cause I’m freaking terrified of this new mindset and point of view and these intense emotions I never used to pay any mind to before in regards to my best friend.

Friends don’t feel that way about friends. Friends don’t look at friends that way. What’s happening to me?

When I gotta look him in the eyes like this, not for the first time might I add, I can finally understand how the friends-to-lovers trope works: it’s all meaningless until it starts to mean so much to you. It’s all platonic until it reminds you of a romantic movie moment. It ‘best friends’ until it’s ‘I wish we were more than that’. It’s all casual, until it’s not.

And, unfortunately, it’s irreversible.

Damn do I wish I ran away now...