#its not pointless because it makes me happy to study it but im just. yeah.

[rolandkaros]

wasted my entire fucking afternoon and evening because i fucked up my data for this huge assignment feel like shit kicking myself because i fucking finally managed to be productive and then had to use all that productivity fixing my own mistakes.

[literalite]

asks

these r all the asks i got last night about the whole aesthetic discussion i'll answer in order of when i got them :p

truth b told if i started simblr like. today and knew nothing about photoshop then i'd probably be pretty demoralised too but also thats exactly how it was starting simblr anyway i just worked on it until i was happy w my skills... no one gave me a cheat code i just put time and effort into it

i agree with u im ngl like i do sincerely wish everyone had the opportunity to put hours and hours of their lives into learning how everything about this works if thats what they truly wanted. also if anything doing it solely by urself will make the process all the more time consuming but if u ask around for help people (including me! im down to help fr) will usually give it to u and that'll speed up the process more. being mad at me for having that is pointless what am i gna do go back in time and unlearn it all and for what? dsfghjk

okay i did see this being said a lot and uhhhh i was trying to understand it but like. i also don't. like ok with cluttered aesthetic build shots or yknow the odd landscape with heavy bloom shader on it i guess if ur looking at it completely from that pov yeah i guess it looks like some posts that "blow up" r just sort of the same shit. but the fact remains that its also it's good shit like anyone can clutter a room and take a photo of it what really counts here in my opinion anyhow is shot composition. and there's literally preestablished rules for this sort of thing u can google cinematography basics and get it for free... there's a whole field of study looking into what draws the human eye. like maybe the core concepts behind what makes a popular post popular is the same but thats because it just works. if u wanna shy away from that entirely but then complain about ur posts not being as popular then that's very much a u problem it doesn't have anything to do with the rest of us

amen these are my ocs wdym these are "sims" LOLLL these are the real people living in my head if i bust my ass making them look good then thats a choice i made

u can call this an empathy problem and try explain it to me more but i dont see how other people feeling insecure about what their current ability scales up to is any fault of mine or my problem to bend backwards to try fix... or even how i could. like is the standard high now yeah honestly it is. the learning curve was steep as hell when i first started as well. no disagreements here. but what am i supposed to do about it LMAO like i didn't create the human proclivity to be drawn to beauty i just ride off of it.

idk why i'm the bad guy for being honest for my reasoning behind what i do and don't reblog? lots of other people have been saying they dont really care about aesthetics which is great but if i said that i'd literally just be lying to you. i'm not gonna apologise for not lying... i like being able to see the passion and energy poured into the same video game we're all playing it's only natural to appreciate that- if that reads as passive aggression and u don't understand my stance that's fine by me

i would say for me personally try watch visual media that u can recognise as "beautiful" and not to shit on like. cw shows but i mean stuff that is marked by its cinematography being truly excellent. and just really examine how those set and lighting designers use angles and lighting and how the people filming and editing choose to frame their shots to achieve what works. hell looking at art helps with this too. look at other people's stuff on simblr analytically try to seriously work out why it appeals to people the way it does. ik u asked for editing tips but i think it really starts ingame you can have the most incredible editing style but it doesn't work if ur shot comp doesn't work then it'll won't hit as hard

take time to learn what most of the adjustment layers do on photoshop, and what all the blending layers look like, download other people's psds and play with them on top of ur shots to see what works! what u personally think looks good will be different from what i personally think looks good, i like dramatic lighting and muted colours and mid level contrast so not too strong but i can't speak for whether you will too. ALSO im a religious user of @/simmerstesia's psd set here i think a well chosen shot can be really elevated by using something like this to really give it that final polish

additionally if u have any like really specific questions or need some advice u can ask me on discord my dms are open like i can talk u thru it. promise it's not as daunting as it can look

[momiamtired]

chapter 2 so they think im cringe. i will never be able to see my friends bc i will be able to leve canada onlt after 4 years bc of this stupid and random biometrics shit and i had only chance of meeting them this summer but now its all pointless bc of a random canada government decision. i want to pee so bad and this stupid american bitch is washing her ass for 2348493 hours with stupid pop childish music in the background gosh. i lost 700 dollars recently idk where or how i genuanly dont know its prob my roommate but im not sure so basically yeah and im reallt sensitive about losing money so yesterday was a fun day to me. my stupid mind is doing some crazy shit and tries to convince me to believe in karma or god idk basically its if i will think that everything will be bad then everything will be good but i should genuanly believe it all will be bad and i just go back n forth with this idea always going on on my minds. i have a couple of different templates of how this world from my mind' perspective works but im too tired to think ab it. ig every time i think that its just what it is its just how wolrd is and nobody is giving me a happy time after all of this is over as my mind always tries to constantly tell me i guess its just too painful for me. i want to believe that i will be happy in a short time. i want too. but every day i wake up and some awful shit happens to me. its awful to be extraverted and i dont have friends here. i hate this fucking bitch PLEASE leve i want to use toilet wtf is wrong with u. pleeeeaseee im all sweaty npw bc of how i want to pee. i noticed that they wash themselves so rarely here. idk why my roommate smells just awful and she is 22 and she never washes herself so at night when i have troubles sleeping i also need to smell her beatiful aromas and im gonna be silent ab her mouth like she never washes her teeth how can u have so many man and smell so awful and be so nasty. anyways i dont reallt know what to do? i lost my motivation to even live( but not to eatt i will never lose it i have ed) i just dont want to do anything to see anything to feel anything i just want to die and be reborn. i dont believe in reincarnation but being able to not feel anything is better than living how i live now. i never cry but i cry here really often. like a couple of times per weak? i never cry literally never. that bc my coping mechanism is trying to find a decision and i will fucking find this decision even if im gonna die but rn there is no decision there is nothing there is just finnish studying than good luck to being lucky for finding a place to live and a job and if u wont find a placce to stay u will have to sleep on a bed with a roommate who washes herself once per weak and stole ur only money. and even now my mind is trying to say to me that i will be fine and the situation will be better! but fuck u it wont be better and i know it because there is no fucking hope left here there is literallt nothing left no fucking move will make it better NOTHING will make it better. im a fucking psychology major wtf is wrong with me. i just cant believe how cruel the life is and how awful it is and how i just couldnt ever think it could get that bad. its just all of my failures they are so random and its not even my fault in any of those! and as i told u my mind again tries justify everything that is happening to me like no just think ab it!! no way it can be this awful right? no way this all could happen to u just like this and without a happy ending! yes it can and yes it happened and im tired of expecting something good to happen to me i just want to die pls why do i have parennts it would be so much easier. i would love to leave this hell and so study to europe but we already spent SO much money on only this first semester so i cant even imagine how can i justify going back home in my head, in front of my relatives. i hate myself

[descendantofthesparrow]

Soulmate au! Countdown - Harry Hook x Reader -oneshot

soulmate au idea sent in by Anonymous 

=

Everyone in the world was born with a watch, not on their wrists or anywhere attached to them, just a simple watch that would appear when a new soul was born into the world. Doctors would blink, and suddenly, next to the new babe, was a watch.

A watch that had a set date of years, months, days, hours, minutes, and seconds until the new soul would meet their soulmate, the one destined to love them forever.

Some watches were simple ones, a simple leather band with a plain clock attached to go around their wrist. Some got more…exotic clocks, one person, whose soulmate was an astrologist, watch had planets instead of hands to tell the time.(luckily for the person, who didn’t know how to read the time by looking at planets, there was still a small digital timer in the middle just above the sun) some had intricately carved pocket watches, some had sundials.

Prince Ben’s watch had confused some people, being a pure gold and silver watch, rusted slightly (and unable to be buffed to perfection as so many tried) with a horned dragon decorating the top, the back engraved with thorned vines. It wasn’t till years later, as Ben locked eyes with Mal, the daughter of Maleficent, did the watches ticking stop (small A/N; Ben and Audrey don’t date since they know they aren’t meant to be already. Okay let's get back into it!)

Audrey’s watch hung off a silver necklace, the top cover being diamond-like glass that seemed to shine like magic. Her watch had stopped when she met Chad at only six months old, his rose gold wristwatch stopping at the same time.

Doug's watch, a gorgeous gold-plated pocket watch decorated with heart-shaped red rubies, had stopped when he first locked eyes with Evie, daughter of the Evil Queen, who for a small while had denied that her own watch had stopped ticking, and had only admitted it after she and her friends had proclaimed their decision to turn their backs on their parent's evil ways.

Most people your age had met their soulmate already, you knew some who had yet to meet theirs but mostly everyone had already been found.

Not that you personally knew that.

You hardly talked to anyone really, so how were you to know if someone had found their soulmate yet or not.

You were just a regular person in a school of the descendants of heroes and royalty, a loner at that. The only interesting about you was your watch.

It was a gorgeous gold watch with thin black paint under the gold curved detailing that looked like waves, surrounding the outer rim of the cover, with an anchor and a ship's steering wheel in the middle of the cover, the back was a carved compass, the entire thing connected to a strong bronze chain.

You admired it every day, excitement and anxiety running through you as every second passed. And those feelings were amplified recently.

The clock now read seven days, seven hours, eight minutes, and forty seconds. It was only that until you met your soulmate.

You only hoped they wouldn’t think you weren’t worth their time…as everyone else did.

-

Harry had been born with a pretty plain-looking pocket watch, smooth and silver metal protecting the gears.

You could imagine the surprise he felt when he finally opened it for the first time. The inner works of his watch were beautiful, the silver metal had turned to gold, curving details surrounded the hands and timer, a shining scale texture covered the inside of the cover, never leaving a residue on his finger when he traced it.

Many villain kids were told to never open their watches, being told that it was pointless to even look since they would never need their soulmate in the first place.

Some obeyed, some, like Harry, had gotten too curious and looked anyway, and some just looked because they could.

And Harry couldn't say he regretted looking, every day he grabbed his watch and popped it open, smiling as the ticking hands signified the ever-coming day of meeting his soulmate.

Like now, it read seven days, five hours, three minutes, and seven seconds. Coincidently, it matched the same day he would be going to Auradon prep, seven months after king Ben had invited the original four to Auradon.

His closest friend, Uma, had a plan to get the wand and do what the original four couldn’t. but Harry had another plan.

He wanted to meet his soulmate, he knew they couldn’t have been on the isle, he had met basically everyone on the isle, there was no other explanation than for his soulmate to be in Auradon.

He looked up from his watch to gaze at the bright lights of Auradon, his breath visible as he let out a sigh and leaned against the rails of the lost revenge. “you ready for next week?” he suppressed a flinch as Uma suddenly appeared next to him, joining him to look at  Auradon.

“aye” he simply muttered back, clenching his pocket watch in his hand. He looked away slightly as Uma turned towards him, her brow quirked.

“…you want to find them, don’t you?” Uma asked, turning back to Auradon and resting her chin in her hand.

Harry stayed silent.

Uma reached out and squeezed Harry's shoulder “I won't stop you from doing that, I know our parents told us that soulmates are bullshit but I could give less of a fuck, if you decide not to go through with everything because of them, I’ll leave you two alone…” Harry sighed in slight relief and turned to Uma.

“even if it would ruin yer plans?” Harry asked softly, laughing as Uma grumbled a bit.

“yeah yeah…if you’re happy im happy” Harry tossed his arm over Uma’s shoulder and pulled her into his side, grinning as she quietly complained at the hug.

“Thank yeh Uma” he whispered, closing his eyes as Uma sighed against him and hugged him back.

“you’re my best friend Harry, I would do anything for you” Harry smiled against her hair, squeezing her shoulder a bit before letting her go as she started to bat at his chest “Alright alright that’s enough, come on we got night shit to do” Harry snorted and shook his head a bit, grabbing his hat from the milk crate next to him and flipping it on, whistling slightly as he followed Uma off the ship.

-

You looked up from your summer history essay as a group of girls rushed up to the window, giggling to themselves as they pointed out whatever it was they were talking about.

‘oh right’ you mentally sighed, closing your book and packing it away, knowing that the study hall you were in was going to be filled with the laughter of these girls for who knows how long ‘the new vks’

You spared a glance back at the girls, sighing wistfully to yourself as they smiled amongst each other.

What you would give to have friends like that, but you had always been closed in on yourself and always froze up when someone tried to talk to you, that you had never gotten the chance to make friends.

You shrugged your bag over your shoulder and walked out of the study hall “where to go now” you whispered to yourself, taking out your pocket watch and smiling slightly at it, rubbing your thumb against the wheel before popping it open.

Six hours, forty-five minutes, and seven seconds.

You would meet your soulmate today.

You closed the watch and held it against your chest, letting out a giggly sigh and walking towards the other end of the dorms to get to the other study hall so you would write your essay in peace.

Behind you, you heard king Ben talking, taking a glance back you saw a flash of a scarlet red coat pass by the entrance to the hallway you had just entered. You brushed it off and looked back in front of you.

-

One and a half hours, ten minutes, and forty seconds.

Harry stared anxiously at his watch, his foot tapping rapidly against the floor of his new room. “you know if you just sit and stare at that thing it's not going to go any faster” Gil offered, setting his new laptop down and sitting next to Harry, reaching out to close the watch.

Harry blinked back into reality, pouting at Gil slightly. Gil just gave him a look and pushed the watch towards Harry's chest “sitting in here won't help you find them either, go explore or something, you might find them easier” Harry huffed and grabbed his watch, sticking it in his pocket and walking out of the room “you’ll thank me later!”

-

You groaned a bit as you rolled your shoulders, you had finished your essay, along with a handful of other projects, and had decided you needed a break. So it was off to your “secret” spot near the dorms, it was well hidden by the forest and you had to cross a hanging bridge to get to it so hardly anyone knew about it.

You shrugged off your top and pants, kicking off your shoes and setting everything next to your towel and watch before diving in.

Underneath the water your body shimmered, your legs turning to a transitioning (f/c) and (f/c) tail with a strong fabric-like tail, scales the same color as your tail appeared next to your eyes and trailed down your cheeks, your shoulders being covered as well.

You let out a soft sigh as you swam through the clear water, trailing your fingers across the smooth rocks that lay at the bottom of the lake.

You picked up a particularly shiny clear and black one, swimming back up to the surface and examining it, humming to yourself as you waded through the water.

-There once was a ship that put to sea/ And the name of that ship was the Billy o' Tea/ The winds blew hard, her bow dipped down/ Blow my bully boys blow-

You started to sing one of your favorite sea shanties aloud, closing your eyes and letting yourself drift across the surface of the lake as your voice echoed around you.

- Soon may the Wellerman come/ To bring us sugar and tea and rum/ One day, when the tonguing' is done/ We'll take our leave and go-

-

Harry sighed quietly as he walked around the grounds of Auradon prep, tubbing his thumb against the smooth metal of his watch as the comforting -tick tock- of its gears rang in his ears.

He sighed again as he stopped in the middle of a pathway, running his hand through his messy hair. He pulled out the watch and quirked his brow.

three minutes, forty seconds.

Suddenly something caught his attention, he turned his head towards the forest, his lips separating as a lovely drifted towards him.

He started walking towards it, entering into the forest and pushing past the bushes that covered the main path. He quickly walked over the hanging bridge that led him directly to a sparkly crystal-clear lake.

And wading in the water of that lake was the most beautiful thing he had ever seen or heard.

- No line was cut, no whale was freed/ An' the captain's mind was not on greed/ But he belonged to the Whaleman's creed/ She took that ship in tow -

As he walked closer to the mermaid, he didn’t notice the timer on the watch tick down to the seconds.

3…2...1.

Suddenly the mermaid looked up from their rock and gasped, her glowing (e/c) eyes locking with his ocean blue.

The ticking stopped.

The mermaid squealed in embarrassment and ducked under the water, Harry quickly snapped out of his stupor and ran towards the edge of the lake, kneeling at it and looking around for the mermaid who had suddenly disappeared. “where did yeh go?” he whispered, yelping and falling back on his butt as the mermaid suddenly popped up in front of his face and tried to reach for her items behind Harry.

He watched her struggle to reach toward them before she groaned and flopped on the ground, her top half lying pitifully on the dry ground as her tail angrily hit the surface of the water.

Harry let out a soft chuckle and looked behind him, spotting a gold pocket watch resting just next to a (f/c) towel, he glanced back at the mermaid for a moment before reaching out for the watch and gently handing it to the mermaid.

She quickly popped it open and gasped.

Harry watched as the mermaid just stared at her watch, then slowly look up at him. He took out his watch and popped it open, stopping as he realized the clock had stopped.

00:00:00:00:00:00 blinked rapidly

Harry looked back at the mermaid and turned his watch towards her. She reached out slightly, looking at him for permission to take it.

He pushed it into her hand and she set it next to her watch, a smile growing on her face as the blinking of the timers synchronized perfectly. Only soulmate watches could sync perfectly as they did.

She looked back up at Harry with a wide grin, Harry's heart fluttering like crazy as she did.

“I found you” she whispered in the most melodic voice, squeaking a bit as Harry stood and started to strip out of his clothes “what are you doing?!” she yelled, pushing off the edge and diving down under the water a bit, only her eyes and the top of her head above the water.

“joinin’ yeh,” Harry responded simply, kicking off his shoes and pants and tossing them aside with his shirt, jacket, and belts.

Once he was down to just his underwear, he jumped into the water next to his soulmate, closing his eyes as he sank into the surprisingly deep lake.

Almost immediately after he jumped in, arms wrapped around his waist and kept him afloat. Harry cracked open his eyes to see the glowing ones of his soulmate, their pupils slanted as they stared back at him.

Harry let a smile grow on his lips as he and his soulmate floated under the water. Then Harry's body proceeded to realize he was underwater and that he needed air.

His soulmate watched him look up, realize what he was doing, and grabbed his face. Harry looked at them and let out a muffled squeak as she leaned forward and pressed her lips to his.

He snapped his eyes shut and felt his face burn with a blush as she licked his lips and opened his mouth, breathing into him.

She pulled back and giggled, which oddly wasn’t muffled. Harry opened one of his eyes and pouted slightly as his soulmate covered her mouth with one of her hands as she laughed at his expression.

He took a breath to say something, but then realized he was breathing underwater. He gave her a wide-eyed look and she giggled again.

“mermaid kisses can let the person breath and speak underwater” her voice purred, grabbing his hands and pulling him up to the surface. Harry shook his head, smirking as his soulmate squealed a bit as the water droplets hit her.

“I’m Harry” Harry spoke first, swimming slightly closer to his soulmate and pressing a soft kiss to her cheek “Harry Hook.”

“(y-y/n) (l/n)” she squeaked slightly, Harry smirking at the heat that burned against his lips as he pressed another kiss to her cheek.

“I think” he pulled back and pressed a kiss to her other cheek “you and I are going to get along very well~” he purred, grinning as (y/n) set her forehead against his.

“whys that?” she hummed, pushing her lips together as Harry tightly wrapped his arms around her waist and pulled her into him.

“a pirate and a mermaid? What's a better match than tha’?”

-end-

Short but sweet, might do another one of the suggestions! Thanks for reading!

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@rintheemolion​

[chillwithaster]

SUMMARY: “Wo ho ho there, Kaedehara, where do you think you’re going?” Venti and Xiao moved to grip each of his wrists. If Kazuha had not known any better, he would think they were shackles by how deathly their holds were.

Venti gave him a light smile. As if he’s going to let this bleach-streaked, toothpaste-hogger fiend anywhere close to his date to the-

“Your date?” Xiao started.

Whoops, did he say that out loud?

RELATIONSHIPS : Albedo/Kong | Aether (Genshin Impact) || Kong | Aether/Xiao | Alatus (Genshin Impact || Kong | Aether/Venti (Genshin Impact) || Kaedehara Kazuha/Kong | Aether

Please consider supporting me on Ko-fi because im kind of in a need for extra cash to help out my family during the pandemic ! every little bit helps and I'm giving out incentives for donations ! A dollar for a personalized reviewer and study guide or a genshin fanfiction of your choice !

AO3

“Well, this is most unfortunate.”

Venti could already feel the caffeine in his systems fuel his flight-or-fight response as he saw not one but two of his roommates standing outside the library.

He really needed a drink and pronto.

This was supposed to be his shining moment; the ballad to end all ballads; the righteous bard’s claim to a golden prince’s heart after their loveless rendezvous.

Venti had finally gotten the courage to ask Aether out to the Ludi Harpastum Dance – one of the most anticipated events in the entirety of their university. It was known as a Mondstadtian custom that he himself absolutely adored for its flowers, games, cuisines, and especially romantic atmosphere.

It was going to be perfect, really.

But no, Barbatos above and mighty, these – unsultry fiends decided to rain over such a wonderful parade.

“Agreed.” He shot a half-hearted glare at the white-haired male next to him, who had decided to dress-up from his usual plain tees and jeans.

Instead, Kazuha was wearing a half-buttoned black blazer (one that Venti swore was his, mind you) with black skinny jeans and a white polo-shirt. His hair was tied tighter than his usual lopsided ponytail, and Venti swore the other’s glasses had never been cleaner.

Now, though Venti was quite ecstatic to see his friend out of his usual horrendous fashion-style, he was visibly irked by the bouquet of Carnations in Kazuha’s arms.

“Move. You’re blocking the entrance.” The other two broke from their staring contest to find slitted amber hues.

For as long as Venti knew Xiao, even the Contemporary Music major knew his roommate looked good in a turtleneck.

And unfortunately for him, Xiao knew that too.  

Sporting a sleeveless dark green turtleneck and a black leather jacket fastened firmly around his waist, Xiao glared from behind the brown, large toy dragon plushie he was hugging.

“Uh excuse me.” Venti chirped, a hand to his hip to assert his dominance as their senior. “I was here first, mind you. Now buzz off.”

Xiao cocked a brow at him. “Don’t tell me you’re bringing in food to a library.”

The braided boy gawked at him before guiltily looking down at the two boxes of doughnuts in his hands. Boxed in pastel green and white, his warm, delicious, better than what his other roommates could ever bake in their entire life, homemade desserts stared back in shame at the thought of being left behind.

“Of course not!”

Kazuha and Xiao did not believe him.

“Of course…” The Inazuman began before moving past Venti. “Now please excuse me, I need to speak with-“

“Wo ho ho there, Kaedehara, where do you think you’re going?” Venti and Xiao moved to grip each of his wrists. If Kazuha had not known any better, he would think they were shackles by how deathly their holds were.

Venti gave him a light smile. As if he’s going to let this bleach-streaked, toothpaste-hogger fiend anywhere close to his date to the-

“Your date?” Xiao started.

Whoops, did he say that out loud?

Venti turned to his supposed ally as he released Kazuha’s hand. However, despite his fumble, the Cheshire grin on his lips still slashed through. “Yeah. My date to the Ludi Harpastum Dance.”

If looks could kill, Venti would be six feet under.

“Isn’t it quite bold of you to assume he’d want … you?” Kazuha began, scanning him up and down.

“I am offended!” Damn, the senior could feel ten years being subtracted from his time on earth. “And yes I do! Unlike both of you, I’ve known Aether the longest. From all the way ever since he moved here, so that makes me his best friend.”

The other two were not convinced.

“Yeah. Friend.” Venti wanted to hurl something hard into Xiao’s smirk. “And aren’t you more mature than that? For such an old man, you’d think you’d be past using the length of a relationship to measure its worth.”

“I agree with Xiao.” Kazuha hissed from behind, and Venti almost held a high grin at knowing why he was so defensive. Kazuha only had a month in his little pool of Aether interactions, so he knew he stood no chance if that was the criterion. “One’s closeness mustn’t be measured by how much – but rather how well – that time spent together was.”

Venti rolled his eyes.

“Yeah, yeah, sure, whatever.”

Honestly, he had not expected this. Especially not from these two.

Venti had always assumed that Xiao wanted nothing to do with relationships, especially since Xiao had made it quite crystal clear to anyone that had tried making moves on him that he was not interested. Same goes for Kazuha, who seemed to be more inclined to pour his focus into his studies in Literature rather than pursuing a love life.

But alas, here they are.

“Excuse me.” The three snap out of their heated staring contest to find a mop of kempt blond hair behind them.

Albedo stared at the three suspicious figures with a raised brow. As the junior librarian of the campus, it was his job to make sure students were not loitering outside to cause a mess.

“You’re keeping others from entering. If you have no business here, could you please go back to your dormitories.” His eyes shift to the pastries in Venti’s arms. “No food inside.”

Venti could just hear the snickers from behind him.

“Right, of course.” He started. “Sorry, Albedo.”

The three would have moved to allow the blond entrance had Kazuha not seen the striking figure painted diligently on the canvas in Albedo’s arm.

“Wait.” The albino held a hand to Albedo’s shoulder. “That painting…”

The bright crimson on Albedo’s cheeks was already a dead giveaway.

Venti and Xiao stopped in horror before peering over Albedo’s shoulder. Ah shit.

Drawn with the precision only the famed Kreideprinz could attain was a figure basked in golden locks. The figure’s face was turned away ever so slightly from the viewer, framed by light bangs as soft eyes gazed longingly into the sunset behind them. But even without seeing any other details, the two already knew who this was.

Suddenly, a plushie and a batch of doughnuts just felt sad.

Albedo turned to face the trio, shamefully hiding the portrait behind his figure.

“You like Aether?” Venti began.

“Yes, and what of it?” Albedo brought his jacket’s sleeve to his mouth, covering the bright blush he was harboring. “I don’t believe that I have any reason to be quite ashamed of such…and for you to be so scrutinizing…”

The three stared at him like kicked puppies.

“Why are you staring at me like that?”

Albedo stopped and looked at the gifts in their hands.

“Ah.”

The weight of the situation just immediately dawned on the four.

“It seems the captor of ours hearts knows no restraint.” Kazuha sighed wistfully.

Xiao said nothing, but a nod was sufficient.

“…Are you all here to also ask him to the dance?” Albedo leaned on the door.

Even without an answer, he already knew.

“We can’t just go in there.” Xiao sighed. “It’ll end in a disaster, trust me.”

“But we cannot just let such an opportunity pass.” Venti saw how Kazuha was almost ready to barge in the doors for himself.

“Right, right, calm down there, he’s not going anywhere.” Venti offered.

Albedo moved to turn around, and the three watched him peer through the library’s wooden doors.

There seated amongst several stacks of books was their culprit. Aether had a textbook over his head and a whale pillow under his folded arms. With how slow his chest was rising, the four knew he was asleep.

“I should scold him next time. The library is not his bedroom.” Albedo smiled fondly at the figure, and the other three could only stare in defeat.

There was no way they could just barge in there and disturb his peace like that. Especially not when he looks so exhausted. Aether would just be overwhelmed by all their invitations, and the last thing they wanted was to be a burden to their beloved.

“So, now what?” Venti moved out of the way, glancing in confusion at the other three.

Kazuha and Xiao shared a look, but it was Albedo that first opened his mouth.

“We should take him to a date. A proper one. One from each of us. And one where we could help him alleviate his stress and show him a good time.”

The three stopped in consideration.

Albedo continued. “Think about it. He’s quite exhausted. If our feelings for him are genuine, then we should be willing to console him when he needs us the most. And only then – perhaps -  he can decide who he wishes to take to the dance.”

Venti had wished his first date with Aether were under different circumstances.

But at the same time…he isn’t against the thought of spoiling Aether silly. Even if it is shared sentimentally with three other people.

After a moment, it was Kazuha that gave an opinion. “But we should set ground rules. If the purpose of this date to help Aether unwind, it is imperative that none of us ask him to the dance.”

“Why?” Xiao crossed his arms. “Then wouldn’t that just render our dates pointless?”

“Not quite.” Kazuha offered a smile. “Aether’s happiness should come first.”

Xiao agreed in a heartbeat.

“Okay, let’s go with that.” Venti smiled at the prospect.

Yeah, Aether’s happiness is the topmost priority. And if none of them could provide that for Aether, then Venti thinks that none of them (himself included) are worthy of Aether’s kindness!

“But…” His thoughts blank. “Can I go last?”

“Why?” Albedo raised a brow.

“My paycheck doesn’t come until next Thursday.”

If his peers had one thing in common, it was how stupid they could make someone feel just by staring.

“I had to cut back time for my classes, okay? Sheesh!” Venti argued.

“Then that’s settled.” Albedo sighed.

“May I go first?” Kazuha offered, and though none of the other males seemed to object, Xiao was quick to reply with a sharp ‘why’. The albino bashfully chuckled. “There is a musical I have been meaning to bring him to that is in three days. It would be a shame to miss it.”

There were no objections.

Albedo raised an open palm, only to be met with several blank stares.

“A form of contract. May the best man win.”

The blonds lips were quirked upward slightly, and though apprehensive, Venti shook his hand.

Venti wasn’t the smartest person, but he wasn’t dumb either.

He may not know a lot when it comes to studies, but he knows one thing.

When these three wanted something, they would break the earth just to get their way.

“Indeed! May the winds guide you in your endeavor.”

But it also takes one to know one.

[newtsies]

When I Was Your Man || A Ralbert One Shot

a/n - hello! so basically this one shot is a College Newsies AU where Racetrack and Albert broke up and Race started dating Spot :'). it's about ralbert though?? so it's like- okay its from alberts POV and it's based on When I Was Your Man so yeah :D (all lyrics from the song will be in bold and italicized),, i'll only be writing the chorus once <3

also i didnt edit this cuz its late and IM TIRED SO sorry if it sucks lol

tw('s) - cussing

same bed but it feels just a little bit bigger now

Albert didn't sleep well at night, if he even slept at all. His bed was empty. The same bed that he had slept in since the beginning of college. But it wasn't his bed, it was their bed. At least, it used to be theirs. Now, it was just his, but he couldn't accept that it was only his.

But at one point, it was theirs. Him and Racetrack, it was once their bed. Even if it was only his, Albert could swear that Race's body was still outlined in the cushion of his bed.

The bed used to be so small, too small for the two of them. They cuddled together to keep each other from falling off. But now it was huge. He had no-one to roll over to in the morning, he was alone.

He couldn't even sleep on the right side of the bed. That was Race's side. Even if Race hadn't slept on the bed for a long time, even if he would never sleep on the bed again. That was his side, not Alberts.

And often times he would lay awake in bed, staring at the ceiling. He would reach over to the right for his boyfriends- ex-boyfriends hand. But it wasn't there. He reached over and was met with sheets and pillows.

So he didn't sleep, because he had no-one to sleep with and his bed was too big to sleep in. And he stayed awake until the next morning when he got into his car and drove from his apartment to the school.

Not even in his car did he get peace. It wasn't his car, it was Race's car. Race had picked it out, he liked the color. And it smelled like Race's cologne and it held memories of Race in each dent of the leather seats.

So he sold the car. He got a new car, his own car. But even with the smell of Race gone, with his memories in the seats gone. The radio in the new car betrayed Albert.

our song on the radio but it don't sound the same

The car radio had one station, and Albert could swear that the station only had one playlist they played each day. Because every day, and it never missed one day, it would play their song. The song they first danced to. So Albert turned off the radio, and he never turned it on. Even when friends begged him to play music, the radio staid off and he played music from his quiet phone.

Every day, Albert showed up to school exhausted. He nearly passed out in class. Lunch was the only time he ever slept. Everyone assumed he didn't get sleep due to his hard classes, which couldn't be farther from the truth. He didn't do his work. He couldn't pay attention in class, not with Race there.

when our friends talk about you, all it does is just tear me down

"You really lucked out being with him, Al," Jack said.

Romeo agreed and added onto the comment, "Kelly's right. He's gorgeous. And a genius too. Too smart for his own good."

Albert raised his head from his arms with a desperately sad look. He sighed and shook his head, "I told you guys. I know we broke up a while ago, but it still hurts, okay?" He rested his head back into his arms and closed his eyes tightly. His heart ached with every comment. He knew Race was gorgeous. He knew Race was a genius. He knew so much about him, yet he didn't know him enough to keep him happy.

"Sorry, man. Forgot," Jack mumbled. Romeo muttered something of an apology and scratched at his neck.

"I know you hate school activities," Romeo started, "But you should come to the party tonight. Dance a little, I think it'll cheer you up."

Albert sighed and tried not to think about why dancing would be hard for him. He looked up and pushed his hair out of his face, "I'll come."

'cause my heart breaks a little when i hear your name

"Race!" Spot called from the couch. The music boomed and Spots voice was quiet, but Albert heard the name anyways. He immediately turned to the boy.

Spot grinned as Race made his way over to him. Race plopped into his lap and smiled back as he hugged the boy. Alberts eyes widened and his chest ached.

Even just hearing Race's name hurt Albert, brought back a wave of memories. Each yell of Race's name when he did something dumb, each fond laugh of the name when he complimented him, each whine of Racetrack's name when he bugged Albert too much. He missed it all.

it all just sounds like ooh, ooh, hoo

Jack and Romeo were definitely talking to Albert, but he couldn't hear anything they were saying. The music sounded like gibberish and he couldn't think. All he could do was stare at the couple on the couch and ache at the sight.

mm, too young, too dumb to realize, that i should have bought you flowers

Albert watched as Race giggled at the flower Spot offered him. Spot smiled and put the small yellow flower behind Race's ear. The stem stuck between his ear and his head whilst the bud pointed outwards.

The years that they dated, Albert and Race were young and naive. He didn't know how to be romantic or how to make Race happy. No matter how hard he tried.

"I should've bought him flowers," He sighed. Jack and Romeo shared a knowing glance before pushing Albert to sit down on the couch.

and held your hand

"I mean," Albert continued, "I was too insecure to do anything with him." They didn't even hold hands in public, because Albert was scared. Scared of what society would think.

should have gave you all my hours, when i had the chance

Albert and Race had started dating their first year of college. Albert was constantly busy with classes. He was always doing work and stressing about class.

Anytime Race would make an attempt to spend time with him, he shut it down.

"I'm doing work," He would say, "You should be doing work, too."

He wanted to do well, get a good job, find a good home, start a family. But all of that was dumb. It was pointless. To hell with it all if we didn't get to come back from his job to see Race. Because Race was his home and he didn't want to start a family with anyone else.

take you to every party 'cause all you wanted to do was dance

"Al!" Race would whine and grab at his arm, "Dance with me, please. Just for a little bit."

Albert never did dance with him. No matter how much he asked, he refused to do so. He couldn't, he needed to get good grades. He needed to provide.

"We can dance later," He would say.

The usual response he would get was, "Promise?" But one day, he received a different answer, "There isn't going to be a later. Not for us, Albert."

now my baby's dancing, but he's dancing with another man

Race pulled Spot up from the couch. They smiled as they moved together to the middle of the room. The music vibrated around them as the two danced.

Albert watched from the camp as he shook his leg. He took in a deep and quaking breath before stumbling out of the house. He threw his cup to the side and gulped in a large breath.

my pride, my ego, my needs, and my selfish ways, caused a good strong man like you to walk out my life

"What do you mean their won't be a later for us, Racer?" Albert had asked, finally looking up from his studies.

Race had scoffed, "Oh, of course! That's what gets you to look me in the eye, huh?" He had rolled his eyes, "We're done, Al. I can't do this anymore, can't do us. Okay? You're so god damn selfish. You only do what's best for you. Ever think about what's best for us, huh? Do you ever even think about me?"

"Of course I think about you, Race. You're all I ever think about," Al had stuttered out.

"Sure," Race had laughed sourly, "I just wanted to fucking dance, Albert. You wouldn't even do that with me. I'm leaving." With that, Race had grabbed all of his stuff and walked out of the apartment.

now i never, never get to clean up the mess i made, oh. and that haunts me every time i close my eyes

Albert closed his eyes when he left the house. Their breakup flashed behind his eyelids and he choked out a sob. He fell to his knees on the grass.

"God damnit," He weakly hit the grass beneath him, "I could've fixed it. I could- Could've. But- Spot. I can't fix it anymore."

although it hurts, i'll be the first to say that i was wrong

He shook his head, "Race was right. I never thought about him." And his stomach twisted with that realization.

Albert has thought he was thinking about Race, about their future together. But it was never about Race, it was about him. He needed to good grades, Racer didn't. Everything that happened was his fault, and he knew that.

oh, i know i'm probably much too late, to try and apologize for my mistakes

He took a deep breath before falling back to sit down on the grass. The door opened and a boy with curly blonde hair sat down next to him.

Race gave Albert a sad smile.

"I'm not going to say sorry," Albert started, "Because that won't make up for anything. I was wrong, about everything." Race nodded.

"Al," Race said quietly.

Albert shook his head with a small grin, "Don't. Go get, Spot. Be happy. Go love the boy who you want to see when you get home from long work days, okay? Love him the way I love you." He paused, "Not the way I treated you, but the way I feel about you. I know it didn't seem like it. But I love you."

Race smiled and gave Albert a pat on the cheek, "I loved you too."

That was the sad tragedy of their relationship.

Albert was in love with Race. Race had been in love with Albert.

They loved each other at different times. But Albert could accept the pain of being in love with a boy would didn't love him back, because even though Race was in love with someone else, he was happy. And that's all Albert wanted, because Race deserved to be happy.

[ladynox]

20 Questions - Writer’s Edition

Tagged by @kaydeefalls & @im-the-punk-who

How many works do you have on AO3? 15. I use to be a pretty profilic writer when I was a teenager (before AO3 thank fuck 😂) but I lost interest. Picked it up again somewhere in my 20s, only to lose interest or the drive or something again. Roswell's the first fandom I've written for in almost decade. Hopefully this time I'll be able to stick too it. Id' forgotten how much I enjoy writing. What’s your total AO3 word count? 233292. Most of that is from just the last year alone! Crazy! How many fandoms have you written for and what are they? Currently posted to AO3? Just three. Yu-Gi-Oh!, Captain America and Roswell New Mexico. If we're counting the stuff lost to long dead Yahoo groups or forgotten notebooks, or the stuff still on the internet because I can't remember my password but I will never own up to? Probably 8? With the addition of Gundam Wing, Sailor Moon, Digimon and Final Fantasy 7. There might have been more but I can't remember anymore. What are your top 5 fics by kudos? The 1-3 and 5 were co-written with @beautifulcheat 1. The Great New Mexico Fake-Off (Roswell, malexa, complete) Michael takes up baking after watching The Great British Bake Off and starts gifting his bakes to the people he loves. Mostly fluff and pining. 2. Milestones (Roswell, malexa, WIP) based after the series, in that nebulous well adjusted future we dream of for our favorite idiots. 😂 Maria, who has been living in a v poly relationship with Michael and Alex for years, realizes she's pregnant. Michael is ecstatic. Alex is conflicted, which dampers some of Maria's joy. Still a pretty fluffy and very domestic fic. This one's on hold because we're both busy with work, school and certification exams. So we only really have time for one, which is the following monster of a fic:

3. The Truth is Right Here (Roswell, malexa, WIP) X-Files/White Collar fusion where Michael is both Scully and Neal, and Maria and Alex are both Mulder and Peter. Yes you heard right. The alien is the skeptic. But the agents don't know he's an alien yet. hahah 4. Testing the Bonds (Captain America, Steve & Bucky) Bucky comes out to Steve during the war. 5. Petit Fours (Roswell, malexa, complete). Companion piece to Fake-Off. An assorted collection of text fics or short fics. Mostly about everyone else's reaction to how bad Michael is at keeping the secret that he's the one baking the cake. What’s the fic you’ve written with the angstiest ending? Hmmm looking over these fics, I realize that I don't really write angsty endings. I tend to like my angst with a happy ending, or a hopeful one. Whatever that might look like given the subject matter of the fic. So I guess the closet would be The Message (YGO, puppyshipping, complete). The fic starts after an incident of domestic violence. Jou is basically working through the horror/guilt he feels at what he's done. It's not a happy ending, but there's hope different decisions will be made. What’s the fic you’ve written with the happiest ending? A New Year, A New Hope (Roswell, malex, complete) is entirely made up of marshmallows from start to finish, so likely that one. Fake-Off's also tooth rottingly sweet. Surprising no one I'm sure hahaha. I love happy endings so I write a lot of fics with those. Do you write crossovers? If so what is the craziest one you’ve written? Yes I do! I'm counting fusion fics as crossovers too. I *love* AUs in general. They're super fun. As for craziest.... well I've already mentioned Truth above, which is likely the craziest because of how ambitious it is. I both love and regret ever starting this monster. Have you ever received hate on a fic? Oh yeah definitely. hahaha One day people will figure out the back button. Do you write smut? If so what kind? Yeah but not a lot. I want to write more smut honestly but I have a hard time writing it. I don't have a problem with action scenes so it's all mental. Just start thinking it's gonna suck or it doesn't make sense or it's boring. Dumb brain, cockblocking me. Have you ever had a fic stolen? Not that I know of? Have you ever had a fic translated? Nope. Have you ever co-written a fic before? All the time. It's the best. Everything Kat and I write is just to amuse the other, makes writing so much fun. Also, she and I have opposite writing strengths and weakness so it really works out well. What’s your all time favorite ship? Er? I gotta choose just one? Seems kind of pointless to pit different fandoms against each other. What’s a WIP that you want to finish but don’t think you ever will? I mean I have every intention of going back and finishing it but probably Six. A malex The Last of Us AU that I had a lot of grand ideas for but have lost all drive to finish. I do think that what's written can largely stand on its own as a 1 shot. One of these I'll go back edit it, give it a good "in conclusion" so to speak. XD What are your writing strengths? Hmm? Character voices/studies, I think. I like doing stream of consciousness a lot. What are your writing weaknesses? Everything. Kidding. Kidding. Probably smut and dialogue. Though I think I'm getting better at dialogue. Lately I've been getting the dialogue on paper before the descriptions. That use to not be the case! Yay! Improvement! What are your thoughts on writing dialogue in other languages in a fic? Use it sparingly and carefully. Most of your readers are probably not going to be able to read that language. The last thing you want is to confuse or annoy your readers. What was the first fandom you wrote for? Gundam Wing 🤣 All of those fics are lost to time and I'm totally ok with that. What’s your favorite fic you’ve written? I am proud of everything I've posted to AO3. Um... @beautifulcheat, @maeglinthebold @jocarthage, @tasyfa and anyone else who wants to do it.

[lemongogo]

Do you need art to have meaning? A teacher and I were talking about art as career (lol) and she mentioned "oh the meaning behind your art will sell it" lIke uh there isn't one, I just draw pretty boys

NO KDFGNFK:DNG at least, i don’t think so . you should draw and paint to your hearts content !! and for some people that means drawing according to some “profound meaning” and to others its just drawing what they think is pretty. its kinda the same with tattoos imo. i feel like a lot of people expect you to have a reason for getting one, but sometimes u just want it because it looks cool and/or makes u happy !

i find that the reason i paint x or y is because theres some element that i want to try to capture. i want to see how i can push myself in different ways, and that usually results in me drawing really different subject matters. a jar of pickled peppers to study light refraction one day and turtle shells to work on building texture the next. i mean. ive never sold my art before so i wouldnt know but like. people can always speculate and i don’t think they’ll ever know if there was an intended meaning or not; it’s always down to how you market yourself, apply your strengths, and so on. again, its probably different since i’ve also (obviously) never had a career in art but? when i buy a piece, i buy it bc its pretty and i like the technique/style/imagery. or when i walk through a museum, i always stop at the ones that catch my eye. trying to find meaning is such a pointless and abstract process that i, personally, don’t care much about KJDKDJG. 

but YEAH. . thats me w fanart. i very rarely have any reason im kjust like. wow this character is rly pretty *draws them, only them, & nothing else*

[bloodstainedangelic]

My Experience with The human Condition

I feel like I should start writing this somewhere so maybe someone sees this and avoids some of the mistakes i've come to make threwout my life. I dont exactly plan on this being a autobiogeph, But things are confusing at the current moment. Let's get Started Let me start of by intreducing myself Hi, Im Roy Otherwise Known as janro a Afrikaans Raised South african 22 year oldAnd Im a Psycopath of sorts Now my Grammer or Spelling wont be a real reflection of my Brain so to speak, or my Character im in general bad with spelling but im good with words I guess. Im not a Psycopath in the general sense of what most people think , No I dont hurt people I have yet to murder someone in case your wondering. But I dont feel things like people should, Happiness IF you could call it that comes for me in the form of anger and immense moments of depression Tho im not sure what those Emotions really mean, Its the closest I come to feeling anything tho, Im not sure what anything is really, I find it impossible to learn anything from anyone, I think it might have to do with the fact that I usually Find myself better the work.Its a bad habbit because of that I learn to hate almost everything I do, Yet i Tend to be good at it, Everything ive ever undertaken ive either excelled at or simply never bothered to even try at it. I have no Motivation for anything It seems Pointless I dont see the purpose of running the hamster wheel of a life we tend to live, Im lonely So lonely yet I have a beautifull girlfriend thats wonderfull really. Shes amazing, A little one the only thing probably keeping me around my Beautifull little child. But that hurts me in the same breath because I want to see the world and expierence everything from every corner of the world in hopes that i find something that brings me Purpose, But now Because of her im forced to run the hamster wheel. And this is has been the hardest undertaking of my life. a year at college to get a Degree thats gotten me Nowhere and Taught me nothing, The person "In Charge" of teaching us" was so incapible him self I actually found it amusing in times so now with no Safety net noone to run to, No more Money to study Further, I sit here everyday Trying to find a job im totally unprepared to do. Maybe I am Ready but You see im intentionally or unintentionally self destructive I dont know, I cant afford to see a Therapist to try and deal with my Problems. If that would even help, So here i Am hoping some Stranger reads this and Borrows me a ear or some advice, Im trying to briefly Summarize my Current Situation So IF you're not interested in the full story Stop here. As a child I use to excell at everything I did at 12 I was already taking care of my Drunk of a dad, And teaching my Mother and sister how to cook, How to teach, How to handle there work and school life's I've always been the helpfull Silent kid that helps everyone els out with a smile but never quite getting anything in return, Well not In the general sense atleast. See I thrive on Others Emotions Im kind of a Morphic Person I adapt my Personaly and Characteristics to the person im talking to, So "Me" as a person my "Personality" Doesnt exsist its totaly Dependant on my current situation Because of that i've found it easy to Manupilate people Especially People who think they have the upper hand. When someones Following my Everywhim I feel this " At home" feeling And I guess because of this My life turned out the way it did. See for me Nothing Ever works out the way its suppose to, Im a Hopeless Optemist at time but its never worked out not even once, I've never had a plan work out before Yet I cant bring my self to "Just go with the flow" Because I tend to feel very little 99% of the time I've always been the calm and Colected person in my Family so everyruns to me if theres trouble or if they have problems. I'd love to run to someone I know for help right now, But I dont think anyone I know has the brain cells to understand the odd situation im in. Basiclly Im stuck in a puddle and ive got no way out. Theres no branch to latch onto no doors to open threres nothing ahead, I'd love to say all I need is for someone to give me a chance but im not sure I can get what they need from me done, Every Dream ive ever had ive had to toss into the wind because of one or another situation Either money family or loved ones. I feel like Im not good enough for anything anymore I've always had this rock solid self confidence lately none of thats left, Im the kind of guy that can write a 4000 Word essay on the spot usually and right now i dont even know what to write anymore, My Life is a Shit show right now, And ive got no outlet So im hoping this provides me some kind of support. I've lived a complicated live uptill now I've dealt With a Drunk for a dad thats sold everything ive almost every owned when i was living with him I turned to drugs to Feel something at some point But I litterly Stopped that Addiction simply by doing so much drugs that i'd be able to go to the hospital if i OD'd or Feel so shit that I can mentally start to restructer the addiction as a "Pain in the ass" "A hassle" It wasnt some Therapy or Rehab that helped me Just me simply Lying to my self and Ya I do get Cravings from time to time , But Eh. after that I spent 3 Years sitting at home trying to find a job And eventually after Interview and Interview failing I ended up Going to study and it this point im sure you know how that ended, And now im a Neutral Rock that cant feel anything but Crushing Self Pitty and Demotivation towards every daily act Its gotten to the point where i'd rather be hungry for 2 days straight then get up and make my self some Instant noodles or a Cheese sandwitch The other day I had such bad Stomach Cramps That i fainted, Probably because of the lack of neutrition but Eh I dont have the money to see a DR and I cant be Bothered trying to Improve my Diet as an Example I use to Weight About 90KGs Athletic Guy with Big "Muscles" I weight 42 KGs atm I Disgust my self when i look in the mirror lately When i see how ive let my self just Rot I honestly looked better on drugs Hell all the photos on this twitter I was high as all shit. I cant Off my self cause what about my kid. And That would be to much of a hassle honestly I mean ive been trying to kill my self slowly for years but still. I cant improve my life because I have no motivation And to improve it I would need a job and at this point I cant even remember what I had for Breakfast. Ooh And ive been Self Medicating with 7 Types of Anti Deppresants None of wich work btw All they do is make me feel "Edgy" when I forget to take them. But yeah I mean Shitts Tuff Im having some real "First World" Problems at the moment but to be honest i'd rather be in a warzone or some apocelyptic fuckery of a area atleast there id have a daily in and out and hell maybe the idea of getting murdered everyday might drive me to do something with my life althought thats doubfull But yeah if you got this far I think I owe you a Alot, and hell maybe you feel the same but I just want someone to fucking help me. I Feel fucking broken And I really just need some Help.

[djarinova]

Em, never say things like "this would be so much easier if I didn't exist". And if such mindset is coming at you and dragging you down then try your best to keep yourself above it. Think of all the good stuff that happened during the day - all the little accomplishments, no matter how small. It may sound stupid or pointless but it actually matters.

Maybe you ate sth tasty? Maybe you cooked sth for the first time? If it didn't taste good - whatever - you did it, girl. You tried sth. Next time will be better! Maybe you have read sth funny (or super kinky) here on Tumblr? Maybe the sunset was beautiful and set the sky on fire?

Every little joy matters.

Your studies and all the struggles that you have to face because of them, don't define you... You are so much more! You are stronger than you think, just be kind to yourself...

Yeah, I understand that thoughs about coming back to f2f relations are stressful as hell and that covid ruins many maaany plans but this situation creates possibilities too. Online classes give you more time and you can indulge in art if it makes you happy! Share it and develop it if you want to! If you will shape your skills how you like them, without forcing anything upon yourself, you won't lose your passion. Hell, it will only bloom. And maybe this covid time will give you a chance to find what you want to do? Something truly exciting and worth spending your time on.

Struggling with job is pain... But the fact that you were able to pass exams online and that it was somehow easier (not that it wasn't stressful) is a good thing. If you decide to take a gap year, you won't have to worry about those subjects anymore!

You need to protect yourself from all of the thoughts that keep you down, because it can get really nasty if you neglect it. It really matters... And don't be ever scared or shy to ask someone to talk to you. I'm sure that your family and friends are not bothered. And if you will want to talk to someone here, we can always talk... Doesn't matter if you just wanna vent or look for an advice...its good to reach out to someone. It brings ppl closer.

I'm sorry that it's so difficult for you... I know the struggle and so if you ever feel like you want to chat just drop here a sign.

the way this literally made me cry, because I know everything you're saying is true. and it's so easy to get lost in the bad thoughts, and the things that upset and stress you out that sometimes you forget about the things that bring you joy. my brother just messaged me which put a smile on my face.

I really truly want to take a break, from everything honestly. working. cooking. painting. talking. literally everything which obviously I know I can't do, that would be ridiculous, and I also know taking a gap year is a terrible idea because I know it's so likely I'll never go back to finish the degree, but I don't even want the degree. and I'm so young, if I decide I want it in the future then I can do it, no problem. but right now??? ITS just not what I what. all I want is to be happy and see my friends.

im really grateful you've been sending these asks!! it's really helping me, it's nice to be able to talk to someone I don't really know, or at least someone who doesn't know me irl, all these different perspectives really help. it helps alot. I love you for this

[lovsome]

sweetie i know that nothing i say is going to change how you feel. it’s hard indeed.. exams, deadlines, competition.. you might almost every day wonder why you applied for university in the first place, that it’s pointless, that it’s not going to help you in your life.. and these thoughts can lead you to think about life the way you do now.. i’ve been struggling with the same thoughts for a while now too.. that’s why i really don’t know what to say to make you feel better.. and i don’t know you,

(2) so I don’t know what you been through in your life either.. but please.. don’t think about ending your life. i know, it’s a way to end your pain but.. i’m not going to say you’ll cause pain to the people who love you, cause that’s not enough to stop you, i know it isn’t. but i hope that you do have things in your life that make you happy. even if for a short while. please, just think about these things. if you leave, you will never be able to enjoy them again.

(3) or think about things that you want to do in your life and you haven’t yet. at least, these thoughts helped me a little, so i hope they might help you too, even if a little bit.. i will be here if you ever feel like talking to someone. i’m on anon rn, but just let me know that you want to talk to someone and i will drop you a message.

--

yeah honestly thats what it feels like... not really that it feels pointless but i feel like i cant handle it. ive always given my all to academia, ive always been among the top students but it was always just because i only dedicated myself and all my energies to that because i thought i was worth nothing as a person... now i dont have that energy anymore. my mental health has been plummeting for the past two years and i cant handle this anymore, ive been truly having the worst depressive and suicidal episodes lately and im beyond drained. but i also dont want to abandon my studies or take a break because my anxiety would kill me, so im truly stuck.

believe me, i dont want to think like that but now almost on alternate days i wake up feeling like im going to explode, like if i breathe one more time im going to lose it. its the worst feeling and i cant control it. i try to think about the things i used to enjoy, and i try to think about future plans and all that but in that moment nothing matters. the only thing that keeps me alive is thinking about my parents potentially finding me. im trying to hold onto the thought that it will be over at some point, that at least exams will end but im so buried in work and exhaustion and negative thoughts that its really hard to keep going... uh idk. im just doing my best u know.. its not enough but i cant do more than this and im already doing more than my mental health wants me to do. idk. i just hope better days will come at some point. i really need some peace of mind.

thank you for the message and thank u for offering to talk directly, but id rather just vent to the void when i feel the necessity, i dont want to spread negativity to people directly.. thank u for taking ur time to write all this tho... i hope u are well and that better days will come for u too...

[araminthe-ispwitch]

hi so i love your writing its amazing i especially love gay highschool romance its my favourite i was wondering if i could have some advice im trying to write a school fic and im not sure how to transition between different characters since theres quite a lot. its in third person if that helps. if you have any other tips for school fics id be happy to hear them :)

WOWOKAY HOLY SHIT IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE SOMEONE PRAISED MY KNB FIC

(Alsoshit I have to update OTL)

((butalso wOW??? SOMEONE’S ASKING FOR WRITING ADVICE FROM ME???))

(((Okay,I rambled way too much here with advice when you were just asking aboutcharacter transitions… so uh I’ll just put this under Keep Reading. Anon, yourspecific question is answered on #6. If anyone’s interested in writing tips, feel free to skip some ramblings.)))

Well,okay, actually, The ExaggeratedlyPerilous Journey of a Gay High School Romance or GHSR had been my veryfirst school fic (I can’t count that one DNAngel fic ‘cause the setting washalf-outside of school…) and the one thing I noticed while writing it was that ahuge cast of characters needs to be handled with care, otherwise things cangrow way out of proportion.

Letme give a little more exposition on what happened to me exactly first, so you’llunderstand how important writing this fic had been for me:

GHSRwas my second fic in my entire life. After my DNAngel fic (which I really don’t encourage you guys to readunless you want a cringe-y flashback to your teenage weaboo days), I took along break from writing until KnB came along and inspired me. Now, whathappened in that break was that I got slowly influenced by other writers’styles as I read and read, so once I started creating GHSR, it was oodles morerefined than my first fic.

Butit still had that weaboo factor in it somewhere. I hadn’t practiced in a while,so I haven’t gotten rid of that thing yet.

(Andhere I will admit that my first writing style was really heavily inspired by acertain DNAngel fic author. She had written crackfics and I unfortunately adoptedher habit of using “blunette, blue orbs, teardropped, etc.” Yeah. Are youcringing yet? ‘Cause I am. Still, thanks for inspiring me, lady.)

Now,when I wrote Ch. 1 and 2 of GHSR, I was still using my old style. But as Iwrote chapters 3, 4, and 5—and as my word count climbed higher and higher forevery chapter jesus christ—I finally started to find my own style and startedcorrecting all the cringe-y habits I had before (hence why I had refined Chapter1 a while back). So what I’m saying here,anon, is that that experimental school fic of mine practically made me realize howto properly write a school fic.

(I’msorry this will be a bit longer pls bear with me let’s focus on the advice partnow)

Okay,first of all, if your school fic will be having a huge cast (because you canactually writing a fic set in a school without writing a lot of characters init), it’s best to really know each character’s persona. This is easy since if youread a lot of fanfics about the fandom you’re going to write for, you will havea lot of references on how the character is written by the majority. Forexample, I learned how to write Takao by reading works about him, and then Ijust added my own interpretation of him a bit and viola, I now have a Takao whofits my “everyone goes to one school” AU. It’s amazing because a lot of myreaders tell me Takao is so in-character in my fic, but when you really thinkabout it, his entire character isn’t completely shown in the canon as opposedto Kuroko or Kagami, right? But I managed to write him well enough that heseems natural to the readers because they’ve read other works about him, too—andall because I did my research on how his character works!

Anotherexample for this is when I fucked up Kagami’s character. OTL

Backin GHSR’s Ch. 1, I freely wrote Kagami as this food-loving delinquent who ispretty much down to fight. I was sofucking wrong. Watching the next seasons of KnB, I realized with horrorthat I fudged him up so bad and was really so embarrassed and basically, Iwanted to delete my fic right then and there. He’s a food lover, yeah, but he’snot actually actively looking fortrouble. He’s actually a well-mannered kid who is just skirting close todelinquency due to his looks, but is actually just a huge basketball dork.Those times he gets in trouble with authorities? Not actually his fault becausehe’s a mischievous kid—he’s just really unlucky lmao.

(Andthat is why I rewrote Ch. 1. I didn’t do enough research on him and I felt bad.OTL)

Okay,so basically this first advice is me telling you to read other fanfics and do your research. Major characters arepretty easy since they’re popular. It’s the side/minor ones you have to payattention to if you’re going to make them protagonists like what I did withGHSR, since they’re not fully fleshed out and it’s up to the fans to give themtheir own interpretation (like what I did with Sakurai Ryou). A word ofcaution, though: you have to be carefulin distinguishing canon from fanon during your writing. Fanon tends tooverwhelm the canon when the fandom accepts it more—when in reality, the fanonis inaccurate. I can’t think of an example in KnB, but in Yuri on Ice, OtabekAltin had become an Ensemble Dark Horse character in the anime because of hisconnection to Yuri Plisetsky, one of the major characters. Despite his littlescreen time, he’s now one of the most popular guys in the fandom and because ofhis character profile’s small size, the fans have pretty much supplied itthemselves—which kind of ruined his persona a bit. I’ve seen some fanworkswhere he seemed out of character, and that’s a bit dangerous when you’rewriting. So tread carefully when researching characters through fanworks.

Secondadvice: research school fics by reading school fics. Yep, this oneis pretty simple. Just find a school fic, and if you can’t put it down, keepreading and enjoy. You can come back for serious studying on it. (You can do soon my fic lol.) Even better: find a school fic on the fandom you’re going towrite for! If its style is within your standards, then go ahead and use it as astudy material. You might think I’m telling you to copy it, but oh no, I’m actuallytelling you to let it influence yourknowledge of how school fics work. For example, when I was inspired towrite for DNAngel, I never bothered about the mechanics of how schools incertain countries work—because I thoughtthat all schools in the world worked the same. (I hate teenage me.) It wasonly through spending enough time with anime and fanfics that bothered todescribe the Japanese schools’ inside slipper system that I realized that “oh fuck I’ve been basing Japanese schoolson my country’s schools oH SHIT”. Now, I can get away with that in DNAngel,where the rules and the world are a bit screwy. But I cannot bullshit my way through KnB, an anime that is fucking based in Japan. I, as a writer, amexpected to be responsible enough to research the setting of KnB, which is Japan’s education system. So not only amI telling you to research by reading school fics, I am also telling you toresearch the setting of the story. Chances are, there will be some differencesfrom what you know and what is actually real. And not only the setting, too, butthe culture of the school—not all schools mandate their students to clean theirrooms by themselves, and not all schools freely allow their students to go therestroom (looking at you, America). These are simple things you can look up onGoogle, and if you’re lucky, you’ll come across stuff like this in Tumblr, too.

Thirdadvice: it’s okay to be vague sometimes.There’s no need for you to be specific on a lot of details or even reverentlywrite what happened to a character the whole day. You can skip the time to amore interesting event or just be general about something. Because if you getway too focused on giving out every detail, not only will it bore your readers,it will also bore you and tire you out. Take GHSR, for example. In Ch. 5, thetimeline was from Tuesday to Friday, but despite my overly-long chapter, I didn’tactually write every single day on the story from morning to night. I showedwhat was happening in school in general and skipped to the really important andeventful moments for my characters to give movement to the story. Because I can’tjust put so much interaction if it doesn’t mean anything—that would be pointlessand exhausting. This really helpswhen your school fic has a huge cast, like mine. (In fact, the only reason thefirst few chapters were reverently following each day was because the startingcast was small, but it’ll soon grow and I’ll have to put plenty of time-skips.)

Eventhough what you’re writing is a school fic, you still have a designatedprotagonist, so most of the story revolves around them, hence the need to notdetail every single aspect of their life. It’s only called a school fic becausethat’s their setting.

Fourthadvice: your protagonist doesn’t have totalk to everybody in the room. Imagine Kagami in his classroom in my fic,with Aomine beside him, and Kuroko and Sakurai at the back. And then all theother classmates have been replaced with the cast of KnB—so technically, everyoneknows each other inside that room. Now, just because Kagami knows everyonedoesn’t mean he’s entitled to chat all of them up—nor are you entitled to forcehim to. Some writers (most especially those starting out, as I saw this yearsago, but hopefully, this generation has learned) think they have to forceinteractions for everybody so it won’t be boring, but actually, that would besuch a tedious process. You have to think about this realistically, even thoughit’s fiction. Even the most social butterfly in KnB would get tired if theyhold conversations with everyone in the span of a certain period of time. Thepurpose of a school fic is to emulate a school setting, and you don’t reallysee everyone interacting with each other, right? That would be chaos. Let therebe peace—in intervals. For example, when Misdirection was having their firstpractice in GHSR back in Ch. 4, everyone knew each other in the clubroom, but Ididn’t write them all talking to each other. Aomine and Midorima were isolatedfrom the rest and hadn’t talked to the others unless necessary. So unless your character wants to interact with someone specifically, it’sokay to just let them be silent.

Fifthadvice: DON’T PHYSICALLY DESCRIBE YOURCHARACTERS WHEN YOU’RE WRITING IN THEIR PERSPECTIVE.JUST DON’T. There’s this post I’ve found in Tumblr  (which I urge you to read) after finishing Chapter5, where it’s a bit demeaning to refer to the character you’re using with blandtitles/epithets like “the blonde” or “the male”, as if that was the only thing going for them. I admitted that it is, but at the same time, I gottause this style sometimes becausethere will always be scenes where several characters are all altogether. InGHSR, I can’t help but refer to Hyuga as the “bespectacled one” because thereare other black-haired upperclassmen besides him. Even with Kagami and Akashi—Ihave to distinguish the two. It helps that you describe their other features,but giving them titles like the ones above can be a bit too much if there’s noone else in the area that has the same description, ya know? So I propose this:

Don’tdo this:

The black-haired and blue-eyed kickboxer stared at the mop of blondehair he could see outside the gates and sighed.

Do this:

The kickboxer stared at the mop of blonde hair he could see outsidethe gates and sighed.      

“ButAra!” you say, with shocked eyes, “isn’t the first one your style? That line wasin the beginning of Chapter 5!”

Yes,it is. But you know what else? I wrote that line over two fucking years ago. I posted the chapter over a year ago and I didn’t edit that lineout. But over the course of a year, my style concerning this naming thing haschanged, and now I am actively trying to lessen that kind of thing in my works.I didn’t have to remind my readers that Kasamatsu Yukio had black hair and blueeyes. That was just my ego talking,being fancy as I add the descriptions to his title. That whole thing wasone of the very habits I’ve retained from my DNAngel days—and I fucking hate it actually so please don’t emulate me and just keepyour character’s self-perspective simple. Please.

Okay,sixth advice (and the last one for now because this has become too long): transitioning between characters inthird-person perspective is easy as long as you keep things SIMPLE. Sobasically, you just have to apply the simplicity above when leaping from onecharacter to another! It’s actually pretty easy when it involves dialogue:

Sakurai chuckled nervously at the answer. “I-I’m sure they canimprove, Sensei.”

“Oh, I’m hoping for it. Otherwise, we’ll all be in trouble,” said Kogawith an aggravated sigh.

“Maybe if you didn’t suspend us, we wouldn’t be struggling right now,”muttered Aomine, glancing sideways at the door.

See?For every line of dialogue, there was a corresponding character assigned to it.Dialogue tags and extra exposition helps.

Onthe other hand, for internal narration:

As much as Kise wanted to see Kasamatsu as soon as possible, hedecided to hold back since it was obvious his best friend needed a companion—anotion that Midorima rejected almost immediately, of course. Shintarou didn’tneed anyone tagging along with him as he switched from one department toanother. And he most definitely didn’t need Kise Ryouta pestering him withquestions about Takao.

Seehow in the first half, the narration was in Kise’s third-person POV, and thenon the other half, it’s Midorima’s? As long as you’re referring to who is thinkingat the moment and showing the readers whose mind it is you’re narrating,everything will be fine.

Thisalso works with dialogue-to-narration:

“You four are already in an agreement, correct?” he askedmatter-of-factly. The four high-schoolers paused at his words, staring at himin surprise and bubbling dread. There was something about the way the lightglinted off the math teacher’s glasses that warned them to be cautious, and sothey reluctantly nodded.

Thefirst sentence was in Koga-sensei’s POV, then the rest was showing what Kagami,Aomine, Kuroko, and Sakurai were experiencing.

Justkeep things simple. The best tip I can offer here is “if you’re gettingconfused by the transitions yourself,then chances are, your readers will be, too.”

Soagain:

1)Study your characters’ personas.

2)Research by finding similar works.

3)Being vague in storytelling is alright sometimes.

4)Social interaction with each character in a large group isn’t a must.

5)Don’t dump descriptions on your character all the time. (Unless you’re writingcomedy, but that’s for another lesson.)

6)Keep things simple so character transitions aren’t confusing or jarring.

That’sall I can think of for now. If you still have specific questions, don’t beafraid to message me! Honestly, though? Just keep on experimenting andpracticing with your writing. Read fanfics and do your research. That phasebetween DNAngel and KnB was my dominant experimental phase and actually, I’mstill improving and refining my own style, which you’ll notice if you check outmy new fics. Go and find your own style, too! :)

[gh0stpkmn]

sleep headcanons

saeran probably either has trouble sleeping or sleeps too much. or both. probably both…

struggles to fall asleep and struggles to wake up

sleep schedule is super irregular most of the time. will stay up until some ungodly hour in the morning, pass out for a few hours then wake up again and do some stuff before taking a nap in the middle of the day.. or he’ll just stay up late and sleep until noon idk.

he probably wakes up every couple hours or so during the night bc of nightmares or just. stress or whatever. that’s usually during his rough patches … rest of the time he’s a light sleeper but if he’s really exhausted tho, he is knocked the Fuck out.

his brother tries to get him to stick to some kind of schedule bc some routine/structure would be good for him, and his sleeping habits probably arent v healthy... but its pointless bc saeyoung is a hypocrite and his sleep schedule is just as bad, if not worse..

he sleeps w pajamas on always no matter how hot it is. also has at least a sheet on him pulled up to his shoulders. he Can Not sleep if he isnt curled up covered by a sheet or blanket completely. he needs to feel safe

and i guess to sort out the irregular sleep schedule he tries different things to calm himself down to go to sleep?? like

he starts collecting pretty/soothing videos he finds online… like one of waves, or the view of a sunset through a car window.. that kind of thing.

lmao saeyoung tries to get him into asmr to see if that will help but it just creeps him out and he finds it irritating. whispering in particular sets him on edge.

rain and wave sounds are a safe bet and they work well.

he probably doesn’t know much about music bc he never really had a chance to genuinely appreciate it before living with his brother, but someone ( probably mc) encourages him to listen to relaxing music!!

so bc he doesn’t know like. anything about music im gonna???? idk involve other characters in this but it might not be relevant to this muse specifically bc i have no control over other characters but anyways

mc and saeyoung find different genres n styles for him to try listening to, and they also get suggestions from the rfa fam.

jumin says like. smooth jazz / blues music. that kinda deal

jaehee suggests nature sounds and like… u kno That type of music used in those guided meditation videos? that…. altho i think she’d also like chill stuff w jazz influences

idk about zen?? musical numbers. lol no probably just acoustic covers of popular slower-paced songs

yoosung predictably says video game soundtracks

he tries it all and settle on like.. really chill lofi stuff. (like thise lofi & hip hop streams that ppl use as study music.) as well as a few songs that jaehee and jumin mention. and MAYBE maybe some video game music, because saeran prefers instrumental music to stuff with lyrics.

he loves the videos and the music a lot like.. in canon he likes to just chill n stare at the sky.

(literally it calms him when he’s really Not Okay and contemplating killing himself. he says smth like he doesnt know why he’s here and wants to die or smth but he’ll just keep looking at the sky???? i cant remember exactly but yeah.)

 basically jus t…. nice calming stuff makes him happy. he probs listens to the music even when hes not trying to sleep

also? dont tell me he wouldnt get a plushie from at least one person in the rfa. most likely his brother or mc… mmmmaybe yoosung + jaehee together. idk…. anyways at first he’s like wtf this is dumb but then he kinda. just. holds it against his chest one time and realizes that he has been Missing Out. having something soft to cuddle is the best. plus he can squeeze it as tight as he wants w/o doing any damage (unlike hugging a person) which helps when he’s feeling stressed or frustrated

saeyoung totally buys him those dumb valentines bears or easter bunnies/sheep every year once he finds out how much saeran appreciates the plushie he has and now he just. has a collection. the bad joke got out of hand. saeyoung is too commited. saeran hates it and thinks they’re dumb but he keeps them somewhere in his room anyway lol IDK this was weird bc it involved other characters and not just him but ye anyways. here u go.

[idksheepthoughts]

Conversations Me: you actually soft blocked me....                                   any reason why?

Her: lol the fact that you noticed this late   but it happened on accident actually and i went and unblocked               but at that point i was like lmao like she'll notice so i never mentioned it              

Me: If you hate me just say so. No need to lie.... I don't check shit like that every day but it's not that many days since I know it was maybe a week or less ... Whatever. I'm so splitting atm. So I'll shut up before I say something else             

Her: hate? when the fck did i mention that?         yes, better shut up before you stick your foot in your mouth as usual                 since i've done nothing hostile to you as if me feeling like i matter to no one and have the smallest amt of friends possible is somehow how an Attack on You.

Me: you blocked me... on "accident" how does that even happen.... i've told you tons of times that the amount of friends depends solely on yourself. and your willingness to talk to people and work past the anxiety and fear that talking to people causes. . . otherwise I wouldn't even have friends. because if i isolated and neveer talked to anyone ever first that nobody would talk to me in the first place. . . ugh whatever. i've said too much im just going to sober up and talk later i guess.... I can't always be here I try to be but like we said previously, i didn't know what to do between give you loads of attention and give you nothing at all...

Her: tumblr mobile? lol. if you can't believe me when i say that then i don't really want to talk to you since everytime i feel bad or have like, negative feelings regarding my own situations you always take it so personally (1) and then i have to dread these fcking conversations so when we've been talking normally on twitter                 it all goes to fcking shit because you can't accept that i get to feel bad and feel upset about stuff regardless of whether or not im taking actions to help myself in my own way at my own pace...doesn't mean you get to think that i hate you so i blocked you      because what the fuck how does it work when we've been chatting like everyday on twitter?                   and it was (what i thought) fine? good? (2) if it really was the case i wouldve blocked you here or just flat out deleted since then i'd only have one fucking follower :) so just. let me have emotions. and don't assume things. this is so funny because i remember you getting mad at me months ago for the same exact thing   and here we are, situations reversed  

Me: BECAUSE i have a huge fear of abandonment.... it was fine but this stuff even if its an accident just idk .... i guess you never saw how much abandonment even if its an accident sends me into depressive spirals??? have i ever left you no. i've been distant yes but i've never full on unfollowed or left... idk you block me a lot and delete and it hurts every time.                                    

Her: "even if" can you believe me????? first off???? (3) and no you havent god if it was such a problem just follow me and then ask me about it because why would i lie lol (4) i don't like friendships built on lies i'll never talk to someone like that genuinely   i have insecurities too. i have enough

Me: ok it was an accident.

Her: i didn't even think it was a problem first off considering all those people you put on your thanksgiving post. and then you never noticed/messaged me about so i was like k, so that's that! and just talked w/ you normally here  (5)           so let's just accept the fact that we've got our problems and there's better ways to handle this than assuming motives

Me: so you did change url because of that post??? like my paranoid ass thought???? i was right on that???? cause i noticed that and was like... maybe its not related but was it????? cause I just want to know... im not mad at that at all just... i want to not assume things atm.    and i notice stuff slowly because I try not to fall into obsessive traits. its not healthy to check who im following or who is greyed out or blocked every single day. . . I try to just let things be but when I do notice stuff i can't help but explode. I tried to be calm by just asking why.... but i clearly failed at that. its whatever. I followed back. if it happens again just like.. tell me please??? this stuff makes me so close to slitting my wrist                                    

Her: no, i changed my url because i was sitting on that url for a while and i wanted to use it              

Me: okay, it was just a paranoid thought.                             

Her: well, i really, really, really, don't like when you start assuming things even after i tell you or not believing me. we've been friends for how long? does it mean nothing? you'd think i'd lie at this point? x____x       (6) .those thoughts make me want to die      

Me: i'm sorry for thinking irrationally, but with how many people just up and leave, all the time even with being friends for long periods its hard not to jump to conclusions. I am in the wrong for falling into my own paranoid thoughts. You explained things and I don't believe that you are lying so its fine.                        

Her: oh, now you believe me                     after i have to hold your hand when i'm upset (7) whatever i'm probably not going to follow back because i hate that i have no friends and my mutuals ignore all my posts when i try to put myself out there     it's gotten to a point where i can't post stuff on tumblr anymore because i know no one gives a shit             like even as happy as i am about my commission i know if i post that on my tumblr i'll make the artist seem bad when no one likes my post  idc. i'm bitter and alone and probably always will be because i don't have any friends aside from you o/                           like, be grateful you even have that many people to be grateful for   (8)      i'd kill for it i feel like dying when i think about this and i think about it a lot     but ofc i don't moan about it anywhere except on this stupid fucking twitter account                   where you seem ot think i live a dandy life   (9)                                    it fcking sucks bc im trying my best!                                           anyways im done lol           oh and then you post shit like *Edit* (Screenshot of some tags where I said I always listen to people but nobody likes listening to me so I talk to my cats a lot which is true because I’m a burden and i hate bothering people with my problems so much)                    that when you damn well no i have no one else to listen to except you online      and we've been civil lately                         but ok! i guess i don't care!  because im living it up!       #sarcasm    (10)

Me: you havent followed me in probably over 10 or so months, whenever i remade, cause i don't think you followed me when i delteed either,  i didn't expect a follow back at all. i just expect us to be not mutuals but still friends? THEN TALK TO PEOPLE TALK TO PEOPLE AND TALK TO PEOOPLE thats all i did was work past my fears and talk to people and some stuck around some didn't. i dont know what else to say. some of those people haven't actually spoken to me in months either but im still grateful for them. I have nothing else to really advise on that other than you gotta put the talking in first. thats all i've done and its somehow managed to not fuck it up for this long??? i dont think i've had any friend longer than whenever we started being friends... so around 2 years...    

Her: no offense but just talking to people doesn't do shit :) but seriously, thanks :)       (Phone lagged) So I repeated my previous message by accident)                           

Her: yeah probably the only reason you havent fucked it up is because i dont want to be fucking alone and i dont give up easily so ive stayed with this even fi you make me feel like fucking shit when this happens   & since you said nothing to everything else i just said i guess im right :)             god im over this i dont want to fight and i dont want to talk to you becaus eim always explaining my problems and you just like. tell me the same shit each time as if it'll magically do stuff   liek the fact that im trying doesnt mean anything                 i dont wanna talk to you if its always going to be like this ill take the goddamn loss and be lonely while youve got your fucking harem of friends idc if its an exaggeration the point is everyone i considered a friend has just stopped talking to me completely and the only thing i get here is you telling me what to do like i need cold hard instructions for making a friend  

ME: Harem??? You know nothing about anything. Ya know what..... forget it. If it's better I don't say anything because nothing I says helps and  I'm a broken record. You want to assume because I tagged a lot of people doesn't mean I wasn't just fishing for validation. Me trying to help is just being a dumb mistake. I can't help anyone and why I try is also confusing because I am pointless. I'm keeping you in my note regardless you have been here and listened and that hadn't changed.  But if this is just going to explode it's going to explode. All I do is ruin everything and I don't even care anymore I'm going to buy a gun soon anyways. So what's the point in trying to make something work. I've always been a shit friend and it's just not worth it to you at this point. So okay.                   

Her: HERE let me qutoe for you something    "idc if its an exaggeration"                                      ^^^^^^^             unlike you im aware when im being irrational lmao    (11)     apparnetly you get to be and i dont                             thats how it always is            did you ever think about it feels for me   when my only friend does shit like this constantly    like lmao                                ofc not bc why would you consider anything from my point of view  this conversation is over until you want to stop fucking assuming i dont care       LOL     and acting as if me letting you go is the best thing that could happen to me       like we couldnt j ust talk on twitter and let it fucking be but you have todrag it all in at least i get to get stuff off my chest thats the only fucking good that comes out of this  like you dont get that you telling me the same thing hurts because it doesnt fucking work and i dont have any fucking friends  i have college to deal with and studies and that pressure but you dont know the half of it?    but you just want to assume, assume, assume   (12) i cried already out of anger    

Me: I didn't have friends in college either                                 

Her: big offense but i dont want to continue this conversation

ME: Okay

Her: unles syoure willing to admit to your bullshit       because ima lways doing that and im always getting the end of your shit      

Me: I am made of nothing but bullshit I'm nothing but a huge fucking shit storm and I always will be. You should have left a long time ago because I don't know how to not be toxic   It's not That I won't be upset by you leaving far from it but you deserved better people and maybe if you had left and kept trying as you have been things will turn around. Because literally everyone that has ever done that with me ended up fine and in a good spot. I hold people back. And that's all I can think of. I ruin other people's lives by being in it. And I've certainly made your life worse. And I'm just better off dead because I am a selfish fucking loser.     I'll shut up now.

[michaelfromthe5sos]

im trying to like today

another day, another battle. im actually very proud of myself. here i am again trying to focus on all the things that make the difference. i made my first video sequence last night and i literally fell asleep with the most honest excitedness and joy in my heart. and this morning was so positive because of that. i literally have started loving weekends a lot for these past few days. theyve been so productive and so what i want them to be. so i studied a lot today, too but i think i took it a lot easier than i usually do. i did yoga again, i went for a walk, i enjoyed being in nature and being on my balcony again and i shot a lot of footage. and i petted a dog and took pictures of him and it warmed my heart so so much. i still have a lot of the day to fill out. im thinking about laughing a lot, talking with my boyfriend, maybe rearranging my room or just finishing that book i really like. but yeah. one of the things im still struggling with is the agitation and this sort of way that my heart cracks every time i get in these negative situations. everything kind of feels really lost. i feel happy and terrible at the same time and its so uncomfortable. i am trying, i really am. i am going to fight this. i am having a hard time trusting myself to be happy tomorrow, to decide to do good, to be honest as i can, to be very laid back and not this serious. thats what annoys me about studying, is i get into this way too serious mindset and i dnt know how to relax and thats what i hate most about it. i am very scared. i am scared that everything im doing right now is not going to last long, im being very good at handling myself and having this source of inspiration and i dont even know where it comes from. im scared that its going to stop. that im going to get tired of trying. that im going to not enjoy any of it again and that it will all seem pointless again. thats why i need to lean to trust myself. i feel like screaming and my eyes tear up at the fact that school makes me so overwhelmed and stressed and leaves me having such a hard time coping with everything else i have in life. and its so hard for me to deal with it and i dont understand why. i dont know if i can do this on my own. sometimes its just all too much, all these things are too much and i wanna do them all but i cant because of school. and i hate it. i really have to take a moment. im trying really hard but it all feels so fake and so uncomfortable and i just dont understand why. because im really trying. i think i need to decide just on 3 good things that will inspire me every day to be a good person. 3 priorities. but anyway, whats really hard right now is always feeling like i have to force people to care about me. i have to remind my mother that im here and i need her, i have to remind my boyfriend to listen to songs that remind me of him. im tired. i just want someone to care because they genuinely do. and because i matter to them. its sth thats been bothering me all day and thats why i cant fully feel happy. because i feel like literally no one cares and i know im not just making it up, because i try to be really optimistic but some things are just too obvious. well, i just spent 40 minutes crying on my bathroom floor. i feel like its these waves of negativity and depression that keep hitting me all over again, every day. what ive come to conclusion with is that i need to do the things that i want to do. so from now on, until the end of the day, im just going to do the things that i want to do. firstly, i want to take off all of this lemon oil and stuff. then i want to laugh and call my boyfriend, and that is all i know. also, dealing with the fact that i feel like that no one cares, i really dont have any solutions to that. i just figure caring for myself and being my own best friend should be enough. and if i need people, i can turn to them. yeah. this was hard, really really hard.