#its not one of those things that would ever be worth going um actually i said that lol bc that would be dumb

[gaarasboyfriend]

the curse of having a quieter voice is saying a joke to someone, having them laugh, only for them to say it again but louder to the rest of the group while they are unaware of its origins lol

[shuenkio]

Lover Demon — 제이크

Paring: Jake!Demon X M!reader

Synopsis: Summon the wrong type of demon consequences with something you never thought would ever happen.

Genre: Smut without plot. Cw: curse, smau.

Non proof read | Eng is not my 1st.

This is a work of fanfiction, do not throw unnecessary tantrums on this nsfw/sfw blog. ©Shuenkio

Witchcraft is a quiet, curious thing—something that seems to catch only your eye. In a world so full of technology and science, there’s little space left for whispered stories, magic, or the old myths that once felt so real. Those tales have grown faint over time, gently brushed aside by facts and reason, leaving behind a world that’s slowly forgotten how to dream.

Yet you can’t help but gather books on witchcraft—magic, power, rituals, spells, summoning—anything that catches your curiosity, even if most of them are likely just clever tricks for profit. But that doesn’t really matter. It’s enough to quiet your mind, to feel that familiar comfort in studying, in learning about the things that draw you in, no matter how unreal they might seem to others.

The sun sank below the horizon, leaving the sky to rest as a radiant full moon took its place, flooding the earth with silver light. It was the perfect night—the kind you’d been waiting for. Months of study led to this moment, the chance to perform a ritual, to summon a demon that haunted your thoughts. Wishes you’d longed for danced on the edge of possibility. Whether the books were lies or truth didn’t matter. It was worth the risk.

Behind your grandparents’ backyard, surrounded by trees that whispered in the night breeze, lay the perfect place for this ritual. Hidden from prying eyes and safe from interruption, it was the ideal spot to summon the demon that had lingered in your thoughts. Under the full moon’s watchful gaze, the air felt heavy with possibility.

“Finally, I’ve been SUMMONED—” the demon stretched, his body cracking with a sound that echoed through the small, broken-down house. He sighed, clearly relieved to be back in the human world. His glowing eyes scanned the room before landing on you. He blinked, his expression shifting from smug to surprised. “Wait... you’re a guy?” he asked, pointing at you with one sharp claw.

You stood there, clutching the book to your chest, heart pounding as you stared at the towering figure. His horns nearly brushed the ceiling, and his presence filled the room with an aura that made it hard to breathe. You swallowed hard but forced yourself to stand tall. Clearing your throat, you tried to keep your voice steady. “What’s wrong with being a boy?” You scoffed, turning your nose up just a little. “You know damn well you can’t do anything to me since I’m the one who summoned you.” You tried to sound confident, hoping he couldn’t see how your hands were trembling just a bit.

The demon looked at you for a long moment before rolling his eyes. “Ugh, fine. So what do you want? Must be something big if you went through all that trouble.” He crossed his arms, his muscles flexing under his dark skin. “Just so you know, my name’s Jake, and I’m the Demon of Love.” He paused, his face twisting into a scowl. “Yeah, yeah, laugh it up. I know it doesn’t sound all that terrifying, but it’s not what you think. I’m no damn cupid.”

You stared at him, your mind blanking for a moment. Demon of... Love? Your stomach sank as the realization hit you. You’d summoned the wrong demon.

“Uh... hey, so... I think I made a mistake summoning you,” you started, your voice wavering as you tried to keep your composure. “I was... actually looking for a wish demon, not... um... a love demon.” You could feel your face heating up with embarrassment. “So... can you, like... go back by yourself? Or do I have to, uh, do another ritual or something?”

Jake’s glowing red eyes narrowed, his expression unreadable as he stared at you. For a moment, you were convinced he was either furious or just incredibly disappointed, but then he let out a long, dramatic sigh. “Of course. Should’ve known. A rookie,” he muttered, his voice echoing with that eerie double-tone that made your skin crawl.

He crossed his arms, his massive form leaning against the crumbling wall. “You humans never read the fine print, do you?” His eyes roamed over you, lingering just long enough to make you uncomfortable. “Alright, since you’re... kind of handsome and clearly clueless, I’ll tell you the truth. There’s only one way to send me back.”

You waited, holding your breath.

“Mating,” Jake said lazily, as if he were discussing the weather. “Since you’re my summoner, we’d have to... you know, perform a ritual of love. It’s my rule.”

Your jaw dropped, and for a moment, you forgot how to speak. “W-What?” you finally managed, voice cracking in disbelief. “You’re kidding... right?”

Jake just smirked, his sharp teeth gleaming. “Hey, don’t blame me. You summoned the Demon of Love. What did you expect?”

////

Right on the spot, your body was naked where your clothes had been torn into pieces by the love demon. The moment you couldn't even take time to react, that was when it changes to the state that you're in right now, completely butt out and length kiss the cold air. However that's just the beginning, The love demon— shape shift himself into the human version of his, in order to intimate the rule he just spit, for a better saying was to FUCK Jake to send him back.

A flash red light flickering, before Jake stands proud in front of you with his exposed flesh. His build masculine body makes you question whether this is a reward or a punishment? Not to mention in detail was that— even though Jake was a demon, he understood the human need... A bit all too well for how lustful they are in bed, and he isn't any better from humans, Jake likes it more than they ever would.

The 12 inches cock hanging between his legs, the balls are covered in a heavy skin stretching like a cauliflower. Jake's tense thighs only to fuel your desire to just kneel right there before him and begging for his to fuck your brain out of you.

Yet you made no move. In a blink of an eyes you find yourself on the red comfortable mistress to the unknown, the dark absorbed any surrounded which all you see is blank plain ancient walls around.

Jake wastes no time before Lough into your smaller frame which caused you to yelp in a surprise manner. As your back hits the cold bed before his hip enters your closet personal space. Your groin of course. The demon itself tends to know a lot of people's daily life and stuff, nevertheless he doesn't know how to kiss, to intimate more sexual love making, to bond more yet all he knows was to mate and fuck, that's all he's good at.

"If you dare to PUSH me off right now darling, I'll be forever stuck here with you for a century, and boy—I do not care if you have a manhood to make children, i fuck whoever summon ME!" Cool sweat dripping down on your forehead, with a shriek were heard inside the chamber once Jake's enormous largely cock entered the tightness of yours.

For once in his whole life— Jake could finally find pleasure for the first time in humans, resulting in him throwing his head back, goosebumps running down in his vein as his both reds glow eyes disappear into white. The pleasure of his cock burying the inside of your hole alone already turning Jake into a wild animal.

"Holy Demon— mhmm why is it SAUR GOOD I fucking love it, need to BREED with my fucking FERTILIZER SEED ARG" The demon shriek to the undeniable lust he felt in this moment, his growling alluring through your ear drum.

"Unghh... fuck! So goddamn tight...!"

Your eyes turn white of the intense pleasure, my ass hole is too taunt better than a vice, make him fold into two even though he was pounding me just like demon possessed. It was too much for us yet it was too overstimulated for Jake, to hold on to the point he needed something to hold on.

The taller frame grunts and pants harshly, sweat beading on his brow as he struggles to maintain his relentless pace, your incredibly tight hole clenching and fluttering around his pistoning cock like a silken vise. "Shit... M/n... your fucking ass... it's too goddamn tight!"

He snarls through gritted teeth, his fingers digging into the flesh of your hips hard enough to leave bruises.

His hips slap against your ass with brutal force, the obscene sound of skin slapping against skin echoing through the room along with his animalistic grunts and groans. The couch creaks and shakes beneath you with the force of his thrusts, threatening to topple over.

Jake leans forward, his chest pressing against your back as he tries to find some semblance of stability. His hot, ragged breaths fall against your neck and ear, his lips latching onto your skin to bite and suck. He's quickly losing himself in the tight, wet heat engulfing his cock, his movements becoming more erratic and desperate.

Suddenly, he hilts inside you, grinding his pelvis flush against your ass, his heavy balls slapping lewdly against your taint. He stays there for a moment, just savoring the feeling of being completely sheathed in your clenching channel before he starts rolling his hips, stirring his thick cock around inside you.

His hand snakes around your body, grasping your own weeping erection, squeezing and stroking it in time with his relentless thrusts. "Unghh... fuck... I can feel every throb, every twitch of this greedy little cunt... like it's sucking me in fucking deeper...!" Whimpers sniff painted his face, he's absolutely destroying himself.

He changes the angle of his thrusts slightly, aiming straight for that sensitive bundle of nerves deep inside you. With each snap of his hips, he grinds against that spot, determined to make you fall apart on his cock.

The pressure builds rapidly in his heavy, churning balls as he chases his pleasure, his strokes becoming shorter and sharper, his grip on your hips tightening. He's getting close... too fucking close. But he won't stop, not until he's pumped every last drop of his hot, thick seed deep into your guts.

His hips slap against your ass with brutal force, the obscene sound of skin slapping against skin echoing through the room along with his animalistic grunts and groans. The bed creaks and shakes beneath you with the force of his thrusts, threatening to topple over.

Jake collapses heavily against your back, his entire body shaking and twitching with the force of his intense orgasm. A guttural, almost feral roar tears from his throat as he empties his aching, overstimulated balls deep inside you, painting your inner walls white with thick ropes of his scalding cum.

His cock jerks and pulses wildly as it pumps what feels like an endless stream of jizz into your spasming hole, the sheer volume of it causing some to leak out around his shaft and drip down onto the couch. He grinds against you, making sure to push his load in as deep as it can go, marking your insides with his essence.

But the overwhelming sensations and the intense pleasure pushing him over the edge also have an unintended consequence. As he's lost in the throes of his release, feeling your body clench and milk his spurting cock, he loses control of another bodily function. A warm, unfamiliar sensation rushes through his shaft, and suddenly, he feels a strong, forceful stream of piss erupting from his cock, mixing with the thick cum already flooding your ass.

Panic rises in his chest as he realizes what's happening, but he's too far gone, too consumed by the all-encompassing pleasure radiating from his core. He can only let out choked, strangled groans as he continues to empty his overstimulated body into yours, the heat of his piss momentarily startling you, even as it washes away the excess cum.

After what feels like an eternity, his release finally starts to taper off, leaving him slumped against your back, both of you coated in sweat and the remnants of his spending. His softening cock, still buried deep inside your cream-filled hole, gives a few last weak pulses, a few last drops of piss and cum dribbling lazily into you.

The man remains in place, his entire body heavy and sated, his breathing slowly returning to a somewhat normal pace after the intense workout. He nuzzles into your neck, pressing soft kisses to your sweat-slicked skin, a rare moment of gentle intimacy. He's utterly spent, but a part of him is still marveling at the incredible tightness of your body, the way it took everything he had to give and then some.

"cum... It's coming...."

Jake could feels the hot spurts of your release splattering against his fingers and your stomach, mixed with the sweat and other fluids already covering both of your bodies. A slow, satisfied smirk spreads across his face, his chest rumbling with a deep, approving groan. "Heh... that's it, M/n... come for me just like the needy little slut you are. I can feel you fucking soaking my hand with it...— I guess I won't fucking leave this human world you're now forever mine— My you"

The slave mark appears on your lower tummy.

A/n: Some part might be confused so I'll left into your imagination. This was inspired by bff of mine— from my famous friend @angelsfat3

Funtalk: Dare to get rail by demon Jake?

[alfons-sylvatica]

whatever burns burns eternally

Fandom: Ikémen Prince Characters: Gilbert von Obsidian, unnamed Main Character Pairing: Gilbert von Obsidian / Main Character (unnamed) Genre: ... I wish I could tell you. Introspective / Philosophical / Romance? Word Count: 938 Summary: Gilbert struggles to sleep at night, ponders the meaning of redemption, and what his relationship with the Little Rabbit means for him. I am really not used to sharing any of my writing on tumblr, but was encouraged to share some stuff here because I been sharing them on AO3 / have actually been active on tumblr again.

So, um... Here's a story I've already posted on AO3 (you can also read it here if you want). It would have been so much easier to just be completely irredeemable, I thought. I could hear the clock ticking from the other side of the room, a steady rhythm that always seemed to hammer deeper every intrusive thought I had. The moon must have just risen; its glow cast a silvery light into my otherwise dark room. 

This wasn’t anything new. It wasn’t like I hadn’t spent countless sleepless nights going over every last horrible thing that I’d done. I knew how horrible of a person I was, and all of the wicked things that I’d done. And I knew more than anyone that everything had to be done, and that if anything on this continent were ever to get better, it would have to start with me.

But for some reason, I’d let myself get carried away with the stories about the girl who worked in Mr. Asatuki’s bookstore. The girl who had so much love in her heart for people, who held so much compassion in her heart for humanity had intrigued and fascinated me each time that merchant had come to Obsidian that I found myself asking more and more about her. 

“You seem to have taken a keen interest in my shopkeeper, Prince Gilbert. I hope you don’t mind the question but I can’t help but wonder why.”

“She reminds me of someone I once knew.” 

I had offered him the friendliest smile that I could; answering his question with an air of finality. His eyes had widened and he cleared his throat and abruptly changed the subject.

It wasn’t like I thought that redemption was something that could be obtained anyways. Countless holy books I’d read taught about the path to redemption. And so much of it seemed focused on feeling sorry for the things that you did, and working to be better.

I didn’t feel sorry for the things that I did. 

I would repeat them in a heartbeat.

Violence was necessary. 

Humans were horrible, awful creatures who did vile things to each other. 

And I was one of those awful creatures. 

I exhaled, my fingers idly running through the little rabbit’s hair. She was supposed to see me the way every other person did, she was supposed to be the final nail in that coffin. If I only could have proven that hanging on to naïve idealism was a flaw…

I shifted slightly and looked down at the slowly blooming bruises on her chest. Shades of purple, blue and red mingled together. Sometimes, I wondered if she was okay with the marks that I left her so often, or if she viewed it as an obvious example of my own violence. I knew she often tried to hide them, so each time I added more I tried to put them in more noticeable locations–her arm, her neck and shoulders. 

At this point, I wasn’t entirely sure what I was aiming for. Was I trying to push her further to prove that she was wrong to have stayed with me? Was I trying to prove to her that maybe my life wasn’t actually worth saving?

They do look nice though.

I smiled to myself and looked back at the ceiling again, returning to the thoughts that had once again kept me up. What would redemption even mean? What would it take to be redeemed in the eyes of others? I mindlessly ran my fingers up and down her spine. Certainly, she didn’t think that I was a hopeless case. 

I smiled ruefully at her. 

I still thought she was wrong. 

I didn’t think that love was the thing that would redeem me of the terrible things that I had done. 

Then why choose to be here at all? 

I tapped my fingers against the healing scar on my chest. Looking back, I wondered if I was behaving rationally. I had set all my sights on one woman, with the hope of completely breaking her and proving myself right. And for whatever reason, she chose to love me and tell me there was hope for a completely irredeemable beast like me.

Her world would probably be better off without me, the thought stung and I let out a sigh, focused clearly on a point high on the ceiling. I mean… I rolled my eyes over to where my cane was resting but pushed the thought out of my mind when I felt her shift slightly closer to me.

 It was almost like she could sense what I was thinking at that moment and instinctively pulled me out of it. 

That would be so much like the little rabbit, wouldn’t it? 

I looked down at her and I wondered how she could manage to be comfortable the way she was, her head pressed against my chest, the rhythm of her exhales running counter to the ticking of the clock. 

She stirred, and squinting up at me, asked, “Gil, what are you doing?”

“I’m just thinking.”

She yawned and rubbed her eyes, “But it’s late.”

“I know.”

“Then go to sleep,” She turned away from me and settled into her pillow.

You’re the only one who could get away with saying that.

“All right,” I turned and wrapped my arm around her waist, my chin resting on her shoulder. She turned her face to me without opening her eyes. 

I smiled, to myself. How quickly had she gone from anger when I stole kisses from her to expectation that I kiss her before going to sleep? 

I tipped her face closer to mine and pressed my lips to hers.

“Good night, little rabbit."

[seramilla]

If / whenever Odette proposes to Verosika— it’s not something big or grand. Instead it’s intimate and quiet when Odette shows the ring to verosika, it’s a beautiful ring— it had probably cost Odette a pretty penny. No one had seen it coming, not even Carmilla—who knows her girls like the palm of her hand.

Odette and Verosika have talked about marriage before. It's to be expected after watching, and participating in, Carmilla and Sera's wedding. Theirs had been an extravagant, social affair, thanks to Zestial and Lucifer, with every blue-blood in Hell who was on good terms with them present. But to the girls, neither really finds those kinds of huge public expressions of love appealing.

Verosika has to put on a show every day, so she'd told Odette, if and when it happens for her, she wants it to be more real. Not during one of her shows, and certainly not on stage; just something small between herself and her beloved. Odette can't say she disagrees. In fact, that's exactly what she'd hoped Verosika would say. Because that's exactly what she'd been planning.

Verosika already has everything a demon could want, and then some. So does Odette, honestly, and while both demons can afford to give each other the world, that's not really what Verosika wants, or what Odette wants, either. She desires to make it special, but also not too over-the-top. She decides to get Ozzie's advice on the right way to approach this. He is, of course, very helpful...but mostly about the honeymoon, and all the fun things that can come after.

He does know the name of a jewelsmith in Greed, though, and after some conversations with them back and forth over the phone, Odette orders a personalized pink diamond in a gold band, fit exactly to Odette's specifications. Not a big one...it's honestly rather small, but still worth a small fortune, she comes to find out. She still thinks it's more than enough to make Verosika happy. Odette hopes so, anyway.

Odette chooses to ask her on a night after Verosika gets back from a tour. They'd already had a date at Ozzie's planned. The king of Lust didn't have any other shows planned, and just reserved a small corner of the showroom for the two of them, allowing the musical stylings of Fizzarolli to complement their dinner of something Odette is too nervous to eat at the moment.

Verosika seems to notice Odette's not eating. Her girlfriend does have a hard time remembering to feed herself sometimes, and she brings it up to Odette, who is quickly shocked out of her state of internalized anxiety.

"Babydoll, you going to eat anything? You look pale."

"Oh! Yes! Sorry! Umm...shit. I was just thinking."

Verosika takes a sip of her wine. They'd only ordered one bottle; Odette wanted to be sober for the events yet to come.

"Thinking about what?"

Verosika reaches across the cozy table to touch Odette's hand. Odette's other hand is fumbling with the small box tucked safely into her pants pocket. Fizz has finished his last musical number, and walks off-stage to take a break. If there's any moment to act, Odette thinks, it's now. Taking a breath, she stands, and moves toward Verosika, before kneeling on one knee at her feet.

"Verosika Mayday...!" Odette starts, pausing more out of anxiety than dramatic effect. She hopes it makes her look cool, and not anxious, at any rate. "Ever since I met you, here, after what seems like a lifetime ago...my world has never been the same. I never imagined a literal pop star would ever look my way, let alone talk to me. You've taught me so much about actually living, and loving...and to never take anything for granted."

Odette pauses again, getting the box ready in her pocket.

"You've also taught me patience, and to love myself, and to never judge a book by its cover. You're my best friend. My confidant. My north star. I want to spend the rest of eternity with you, for however long that lasts. So, um, will you do me the honor of, uh...hold on..."

After a few fumbling attempts and only a little blushing, Odette manages to take the box out of her pocket, and opens in it front of Verosika. The succubus is wide-eyed, the pink of the diamond shining back at Odette through her eyes. Odette finishes her question with only a little bit of a flush on her face. She hopes Verosika will forgive her awkwardness.

"Will you marry me, Verosika?"

Odette doesn't even have to wait for an answer. One minute, she's kneeling at Verosika's feet, and the next, Verosika is lifting her off the ground, and placing her on the table on her back. The rest of their food and drink be damned. It gets everywhere. Odette's glad she's not wearing one of her lab coats, because it's soaking into the black pants suit she wore for the occassion. She puts the ring down on the table, before she drops it.

Verosika kisses her, full and flagrant, forcefully on the lips, and pulls away with a smack! She only lifts from Odette long enough to screech into the room, "Yes! Fuck, Odette, yes! I will!" before she's kissing her again, pushing Odette even more into the table. Odette worries they might be causing a scene. Unfortunately, her fears are confirmed, because Fizzarolli's already making obscene hand gestures behind the stage, grinning with his tongue out the side of his mouth.

So much for being discrete.

Fuck it, Odette thinks. Let him watch. She brings Verosika down further on top of her, and really starts sucking face with her girlfriend -- no, her fiancé -- right there on the table. Ozzie and Fizz give them two pairs of thumbs up, but neither of them notice. They're too busy celebrating, in their own little world, ignoring the captive audience behind them.

[aspiringtrashpanda]

​hiiii this is for the writer ask game that u posted a while back;;;; (totally not taking a stroll in ur blog rn)

3: Tell me about one of your fics you think is underrated/underappreciated. (Link it!!!!)

7: Is there a character or ship you'd love to write for, but haven't yet?

10: What makes a fic 'successful' in your opinion?

11: Share a favourite comment a reader has left you.

12: What was the first fandom you wrote for?

16: Is there a type of fic you would never write?

26: Do you have use a beta reader before publishing?

37: Do you have any older fics you would consider rewriting?

38: Are there any popular tropes/themes you'd never write?

HELP HOW DID I MISS THIS??? OMG HYO I'M SO SORRY!!! I appreciate you sending this so much <3 Let's see...

3: Tell me about one of your fics you think is underrated/underappreciated. (Link it!!!!)

OH BOY okay um this is such a ridiculous plug because I think the fic is too new to be "underrated/underappreciated" but I'd love more people to read Project: Burn Bright, which is my current WIP. The planning document is 27 thousand words long and I'm super invested in this story.

7: Is there a character or ship you'd love to write for, but haven't yet?

I want to do more with Satan (Obey Me, obvs)! I'm not super well-versed in writing him but the fic above is giving me a good chance to delve into his character.

10: What makes a fic 'successful' in your opinion?

It has nothing to do with kudos or notes or comments. Sure, those are nice (very nice), but to me a successful fic leaves you either emotionally satisfied or emotionally devastated (positive) by the end.

11: Share a favourite comment a reader has left you.

OMG OKAY OKAY OKAY so this is my favorite comment (from a Simeon fic) because a) it's unbelievably nice??? and b) every time I think of it, I go, "Thank you, Rat King."

12: What was the first fandom you wrote for?

One Piece! (we're not including the real-person fanfic I wrote when I was 12... We don't talk about that.)

16: Is there a type of fic you would never write?

Hmmm probably A/B/O. No disrespect to fans of omegaverse. It just ain't my thing.

26: Do you have use a beta reader before publishing?

I don't, for one reason and one reason only: I am too impatient to wait for a beta reader to edit.

37: Do you have any older fics you would consider rewriting?

What a good question! I mean, it's highly unlikely I would ever tackle such a project, but one of my old One Piece fics The Show Must Go On has a lot of potential (not linking it because it's not worth the effort in its current state LOL). It actually was the original inspiration for the original novel by the same name that I am very slowly working on.

38: Are there any popular tropes/themes you'd never write?

This question has me wondering if the previous question about fic types doesn't mean tropes... Oh well, A/B/O... OH and HISTORICAL FICTION. I did a One Piece fic set in ancient rome and the amount of studying I had to do for so little of the fic was insane. Props to those who can handle researching that stuff.

[jyndor2]

im the anon you told to fuck off here to say thank you.

i had read about terrorist organizations using that slogan and i had a gut reaction. im a jew and i fear for both muslims and jews with everything that is going on right now. because i read what you wrote and i researched again and i see where propaganda got the better of me (even if those words have been used by terrorists). and i see time and time again where propaganda gets the better of most of us on something as fast paced as the internet.

as i read i remembered. the naz*s took a symbol that was once peaceful and turned it into something the world cannot look at the same way ever again-entirely their fault not the fault of the original culture from which the symbol came.

i dont want to see that happen with words that are truly important and stand for something i do believe in which to be clear: is a free and peaceful palestine where no one has to live in fear.

in saying what i did based off of a gut reaction i made a mistake. i did the same thing i hate from others on the internet which is speaking on an issue before doing further research and i am ashamed of that.

but i am also committed to learning and doing better tomorrow. no one can become an expert in any part of this as quickly as plenty have claimed to. im writing this to share my perspective and as a reminder of fallibility for whatever that is worth.

i think its important for ensuring we dont become what we wish to stand against.

thanks again for sharing your research. you told me to fuck off but ill sign off by wishing you well

anon I'm shook no okay so hold! on the fucking off pls do not fuck off I recant the fucking off. its how I handle anons (I'll explain later) until yall prove you're not trolling or bots or whatever.

it's worth a LOT. like really it's worth a lot. Unfuck off, I would love more people in my orbit who don't just critically engage with criticism but also go on to look into it for themselves. instead of just taking my or someone else's word for it. I try to do that myself because I can be such a fucknugget and sometimes need a good smack lol.

I just want to say I'm sorry that you're experiencing the fear you're experiencing. and um I have jewish cousins and family who I am scared for always, I try not to bring them up bc it feels kind of gross in this context but yeah, I don't want to invalidate your fears.

I mean what the n*zis did with that symbol is a whole other thing and I don't feel like I should speak on it other than to say fuck n*zis they ruin everything they touch. I liken this more to the way that black lives matter gets misconstrued because I know more about the history of that phrase than I do about that symbol you're talking about. I also don't like to bring up n*zism in the context of israel/palestine because actually almost every time I have seen that comparison with israel, it is a cheap shot at jewish people. Like in a youtube comments section or something, not thoughtful discourse - because tbh these are very, very different situations and the comparisons could be made of almost any other genocide, but like the commenter knows it's a painful thing for jewish people and so like I said, it's a cheap shot that's easy to take and says more about them than it does about palestinian liberation or israeli apartheid.

I know plenty of anti-zionist jewish people do actually talk about the shoah in the context of why they support palestinian rights but for me it just doesn't feel right.

and yeah i understand falling for shit - I've done it, it's easy as hell to read something and feel like it's right, like yeah I personally don't actually say from the river to the sea all that often, you won't find it as a tag on my blog because I think it's best coming from palestinians?

you're totally right - no one can possibly learn the history quickly. It's taken me 16 years to feel like I am actually relatively well versed in the history and I'm not even well versed, I'm just decently versed lol. and if you add into it the propaganda that we've all been told for years, and then the added generational trauma you have? of course it's hard to fight gut reactions because often they're somewhat based in experiences we've had or others have had.

the reason I told you as an anon to fuck off is because of my history and views towards anonymous asks more than anything else, btw. THAT is a gut reaction but it is also informed by my experiences. I hope this maybe explains why I may sometimes come off a little harsh towards anons (and why I decided to turn them off - until rebelcaptain secret santa forced me to open them back up lol).

so I used to love to keep anonymous on because I know that a lot of people don't feel comfortable reaching out for a number of reasons and I wanted to remain accessible as a user of this shithole site lol. however what happens is sometimes, a lot of times, people will just be saying anything. and then they'll say "I'm an x person and y is true" and often people getting those anons will be really well-meaning and just accept it at face value. because genuinely so many people want to be on the side of marginalized groups and want to be good allies. and so shitty people will just be saying bullshit about whatever, and people who may not understand the details of whatever situation anon is talking about will say, "oh shit I didn't realize that! Thanks for educating me!"

and often it is legit! and it's also important to remember that no group is monolithic, so if an anon comes into my ask box saying that they are from, idk let's say, venezuela. i don't know a whole lot about venezuela. I know there is a lot of propaganda and shit from the us, and I know that there are class dynamics and racial dynamics that I vaguely understand because I have a relatively okay understanding of the entire region but it's not good enough to hold up more than a little bit under any kind of actual pressure like being told something by someone who claims to be venezuelan and says that everyone is actually indigenous (which i do understand to be indigenous erasure), and so it would be more comfortable for me to just say, "okay thanks for the info, my bad!" etc etc etc which... okay but like what if they're not venezuelan? what if they are and they're actually just anti-indigenous? what if they're a right-winger or a bot or idk just wrong lol. some people can be just incorrect without it being disinformation, right? so if I post that without any pushback or skepticism, I'm now spreading misinformation that is used to harm indigenous people.

so for me, because anons necessarily get to hide their identities more than even these already relatively anonymous social media accounts do, my policy has always been to handle them with skepticism and frankly to assume the worst.

not everyone does that and also like I don't have a big following but I don't have a TINY following either so I do feel some responsibility to provide accurate information. and that's just from years of experience and not always doing that lol.

anyway sorry for being long-winded, and thank you for reading what I wrote and more importantly for not just taking what I said at face value but for doing the research yourself. that's what is most important.

[hestia-and-the-court]

"I mean, what do you want?"

The beast paused, the grip of its claws around me slackening just a bit. Not enough to even think about escaping, but enough to say that I had - somehow - caught it off-guard. "What?"

"I mean, if you're asking what I'll offer for my life, there has to be something you want, right?" I reasoned. "Otherwise you'd just eat me and be done with it. And this is my life we're talking about here: if what you want is something I can actually accomplish, it doesn't really matter what it is you want, does it? Not like I can just not pay the price. Even if it's dangerous, whatever it is, I only might die if I go get it or do it or whatever. I'll definitely die if I don't satisfy you right here and now that I'm more useful alive than as a meal."

I did my best to shrug without its claws cutting my skin. "So, the way I see it, you have me over a barrel here and it's silly to play a guessing game about what it is you want. Just tell me what you want, and I'll let you know in return whether or not I think giving it to you is worth my life. Odds are, the answer will be 'yes'. Either that or your plan was to eat me the whole time and this is just you playing with your food, in which case nothing I said would have been the right thing anyway."

The silence stretched on for several seconds. And then the beast started to laugh, its deep and raspy voice echoing through the cave. "Do you know, human, you're the first one of my victims to be able to think clearly enough to say something like this?"

"if we're being honest, I think I dissociated enough that the pants-wetting terror isn't really reaching me at the moment."

The beast chuckled again at that, seeming genuinely amused. "Even still. It was surprisingly well-reasoned under the circumstances." Its large yellow slitted eye stared me down directly, looking for who-knows-what in my face. "Before I tell you what it is I want, why don't you tell me why you came here? Why would you come to a place where it's known that I lurk?"

I squirmed, embarrassment somehow breaking through the dissociation and fear. "Aaaactually, I... didn't know these were your caves. I thought these were the Wishing Caves."

Another brief silence, and then even more bellowing laughter. "Those are on the other side of the mountain range from here! How in the world did you manage to get that lost?"

Another careful shrug from me. "I've always had a truly horrendous sense of direction."

"Evidently," the creature rumbled. "And what business did you have with the Wishing Caves?"

"Assuming they thought me worthy, I was gonna wish for a better sense of direction."

"Ah, naturally..." Its voice had transitioned from amused to thoughtful. "In that case, perhaps I have a use for you after all."

"Really?" I tried not to sound too relieved, but... well, under the circumstances, can you blame me? "What do you need from me?"

"Not far from here, there is a maze of cave systems. Directly at the center of the maze is an orb. If you can retrieve that orb and bring it back to me, I would consider that well worth your life."

I blinked, because I immediately saw two big problems with that. "Um. Two questions. First, you do realize that my horrible sense of direction makes me awful at mazes, right? And second, if that orb is so important, why didn't you ever send any of your other victims looking for it?"

"The answer to those two questions, as it happens, is the same," it replied. "The orb contains my lost humanity, pulled out of me and condensed by a witch who wanted me to suffer. She raised the maze and enchanted it so that anyone who set foot in the maze would lose all sense of direction and never be able to reach the center of the maze on purpose." It let out another rumbling chuckle. "But you, little human, already lack a sense of direction and seem to have a knack for accidentally making it into places you have no business being in. Out of everyone who's ever found themselves in my clutches, you are the first who I think actually stands a chance at being able to navigate that maze and bring back the prize."

Ah.

"What if it turns out the maze doesn't work that way and I just get lost in it the way everyone else did?"

"You said it yourself," the beast reminded me. "The maze only might kill you. I definitely will. If you fail and die in that maze, I lose nothing except a meal. And given how spectacularly lost you have managed to get already, I half-expect that if I tried to eat you, you'd somehow find yourself in someone else's digestive tract. You have managed to be genuinely more useful as an attempt to break my curse than as a meal, given that."

"...well, I can't argue with that," I conceded. "Okay, bring me to this maze of yours and I'll see what I can do to get that orb back to you."

"We have a deal, then."

The beast hissed, its claws enveloping you, “Many humans have tried to bargain with me. Some offered gold for their life, others companionship…. even love. What useless thing will you try to offer me for yours?”

[finsterhund]

A break from bedrotting

So um, somehow I've been up and more active. Idk how or why. I saw some neocaradina shrimp and it motivated me.

So for those who don't know, reorganizing and doing a remodeling of my plant area of my bedroom is long overdue. But *gestures at everything* some of my weaker seedlings actually died off because of this :(

a hypothetical idea was getting a small planted tank where I could keep the majority of my terrestrial plants in the land area of a palundarium and make it a self sustaining system which would mean I could leave them for longer and take longer trips to visit friends. As well as finally get back at least a little bit into aquascaping. (Growing up I kept multiple amphibians)

I guess actually seeing shrimp and aquatic plants at the store helped me realize that life is good and this is worth the effort to rearrange everything to make the space

Unfortunately, my roommate wants that if it's got animals in it that he will be able to see it. Which ruins my entire plan of where I was going to setup. In particular using the same lights and timer I use for my plants. But other than that, no issues so far.

I also finally beat my grief and depression enough to finally setup the rock tumbler Fishy gave me. So I've gotten past a rather large mental health hurdle. For the longest time I didn't feel like I deserved it and left it in its box. While I struggled with my depression. My current design for the tank space is having my rock tumbler in the base of the stand along with the sump. Keep potential leaking from both all in one easily isolated area.

Ideally I want to be able to make my own aquarium stand. If I get all the pieces precut and prep them on the living room floor I can theoretically put it together in the space.

However then there's the issue of roommate wanting visible access to it. So I may use my bedside table instead and use that space for something else. My bedside table currently holds some trinkets and the ice pack laptop. Which I have been using less and less. It might finally be retired in favor of finally switching to doing everything on my gaming PC. The original plan was to put my second monitor on the bedside table but *shrugs*

Neocaradina shrimp technically need less space than the secondhand tank I have so maybe I compromise and set up a smaller tank just with some of the resulting shrimp population and some small plants and hook a filter that connects it to the larger tank to split the bio load. So that he can technically look at some of my shrimp on my bedside table and I will still have the larger tank as a self sustaining palundarium where I originally wanted it. If I keep water parameters right this would be safe for the shrimp and give an added benefit of being a potential quarantine tank that I could cut off from the sump if needed. Plus having the shrimp so close to my bed would benefit my mental health for sure. Thinking about it now I could also do things I like but wouldn't do with the palundarium like using my beloved (fight me) neon rainbow gravel in this smaller tank.

I am not getting fish and probably will not get fish ever because unfortunately negative associations with my birth father who briefly had oscars that he abused. But that just means less of a bio load. I know some people hear "you're getting an aquarium with NO fish?" And act like that's unbelievable but it is. Tbh I'm way more interested in the plants and the aquascaping. I was only really going to get shrimp for the same reason I want daphnia and springtails and maybe snails. To breakdown decaying plant material. But he I actually got to see real life neocaradina shrimps and they are extremely cool to look at and have been really helping me get over my fear of crustaceans.

I'd like to state right out the gate that I am still undecided on if I will be going fully through with this. So don't be disappointed if I end up just going "I'm keeping plants in a glass box with no animals" before this all happens but I just wanted to discuss this.

[pesterloglog]

Karkat Vantas, Terezi Pyrope, Dave Strider, Aradia Megido, Rose Lalonde, Kanaya Maryam, Sollux Captor

Act 6, page 4352-4365

KARKAT: I WAS JOKING, GET THOSE FUCKING THINGS AWAY FROM ME

TEREZI: 1 4M SO SORRY YOU GUYS

TEREZI: W3 4R3 4CTU4LLY 4 LOT COOL3R TH4N TH1S!

DAVE: are you actually

TEREZI: ...

TEREZI: NO

TEREZI: NO W3 AR3 NOT

KARKAT: WHAT IS HAPPENING NOW

KARKAT: SOMEONE TELL ME WHAT'S GOING ON.

KARKAT: WHO'S THE LEADER NOW?

KARKAT: ARADIA ARE YOU THE LEADER NOW

KARKAT: OR IS IT ROSE "I HAVE AN IDEA, LET'S TAKE THE INVINCIBLE DEMON HEAD ON!" LALONDE.

KARKAT: I NEED TO KNOW WHO THE LEADER IS

KARKAT: I NEED TO KNOW IN WHOSE DIRECTION I MUST BEHAVE AS THE MOST PATHETICALLY USELESS SUBORDINATE I CAN BE.

KARKAT: QUICK, SOMEONE BOSS ME AROUND! I'M FUCKING INCOMPETENT AND RARING TO GO.

KARKAT: THAT'S WHAT YOU DO WHEN THERE'S A LEADER AROUND TRYING TO MAKE PLANS, RIGHT?

KARKAT: YOU DROP YOUR IQ HARDER THAN A PAIR OF HILARIOUSLY PLUMMETING PANTS, YOU CEASELESSLY RAMBLE ABOUT VAPID BULLSHIT, YOU RUN AROUND HIDING ALL OF YOUR WORLDLY POSSESSIONS IN TREASURE CHESTS, AND THEN EVERYONE STARTS MURDERING EACH OTHER.

KARKAT: IF THERE'S ANY OTHER EXPERIENCE CHARACTERIZING LEADERSHIP, IT'S ONE I SURE AS FUCK NEVER HAD!

KARKAT: SO I NEED TO KNOW WHO THE LEADER IS.

KARKAT: STRIDER, IS IT YOU???

TEREZI: 4444444UGH

ARADIA: karkat i dont know if anyone cares about formal ranks like that anymore

ARADIA: or if anyone ever did!

ARADIA: but for what its worth i suggest that from now on you all listen closely to the advice of our human guests

DAVE: wait

DAVE: really

ARADIA: yes!

ARADIA: no need to be so modest dave

ARADIA: tactically speaking a knight of time and a seer of light is a nearly unbeatable combination

DAVE: ok

DAVE: i dont really have any orders to give though

DAVE: except for karkat to shut the hell up because that horseshit is more obnoxious in person than i ever imagined

KARKAT: OH WOW, I WOULD OFFER A RETORT TO YOUR VICIOUS BARB, EXCEPT FOR THE FACT THAT UNLIKE EVERY ASSHOLE EVER, I CAN ACTUALLY FOLLOW ORDERS AND SHUT MY MOUTH!

KARKAT: CHECK IT OUT, "DOGG"

KARKAT: ......................................

ARADIA: yes you are off to an excellent start as a subordinate

ARADIA: keep doing that!

ARADIA: but dave dont worry if you do not have instructions for us

ARADIA: the knight of time is not necessarily the tactician

ARADIA: he is a powerful warrior class which exploits the flow of time as a weapon

ARADIA: rose is the one who must play the role of the strategist

ARADIA: the seer class knows her aspect comprehensively

ARADIA: as a knower of all fortune she can see the circuitous path that will lead to the most favorable outcome for everyone

ARADIA: personally i would defer to her judgment!

TEREZI: R34LLY? YOU C4N DO TH4T??

ROSE: Yes.

TEREZI: TH4T SOUNDS 4 LOT MOR3 US3FUL TH4N MY S33R POW3RS >:[

ROSE: Illumination of the road to victory for all is an asset considerably different from command over the outcomes of decisions made by individuals.

ROSE: How do you know your talents won't be critical in blazing this auspicious trail?

TEREZI: UM

TEREZI: 1 GU3SS 1 DONT

ROSE: That's because you're not me.

KANAYA: Okay Then What Do We Do

ROSE: Nothing yet.

ROSE: But reasonably soon, within a certain window, it will be time to leave.

ROSE: We will then pilot this meteor as fast as we can make it go in that exact direction.

SOLLUX: what's that way?

ROSE: Nothing whatsoever.

ROSE: As of now, that way lies darkness and uncertainty beyond description.

KANAYA: I See

KANAYA: Then Perhaps We Should Reserve The Infinite Darkness Plan For The Maybe Column For Now

KANAYA: I Think Im Even Willing To Let Dave Take A Crack At The Logistics Before We Commit To That Particular Maneuver Daring Though It Sounds

DAVE: aw yeah

DAVE: i got sicknasty logistics up my sleeve

DAVE: i just call them stics fyi which is how you know im way savvy about them

DAVE: most of the stics im fine tuning atm involve rap though i should warn you

DAVE: but dave what if that dope as hell plan falls through i can hear you ask

DAVE: plan b

DAVE: involves drawing some shitty cartoons

DAVE: and not giving a fuck about stuff

TEREZI: >8D

TEREZI: 1 H3R3BY S3COND TH1S COOL DUD3S R4D1C4L MOT1ON ON GROUNDS OF R1D1CULOUSLY D3C4D3NT 4TT1R3

KANAYA: Yes Im Willing To Humor Elaboration On This Rap Centric Plan And Its Apathy Based Contingencies

KANAYA: Even If Its Excessively Stupid

ROSE: Trust me, it is.

ROSE: Just as you should trust me that by the time we leave, if we leave exactly within the designated window and are able to travel at nearly the speed of light, the meteor will trace a route through the Furthest Ring which will topologically resolve as a straight line.

ROSE: It will lead us directly to the new session.

ROSE: For a brief moment, the sun will be visible from that session.

ROSE: And we will be riding the chartreuse coattails of its photons.

ARADIA: this is why you all needed an advanced seer!

ARADIA: i have become familiar with the ways of the fabric out here but even i couldnt chart a journey that long or complex

ROSE: That's because it's almost impossible to do so voluntarily.

ROSE: If we were to head right now in the session's true physical direction, it wouldn't be long before we found ourselves traveling in just the opposite direction.

ROSE: This is not even to speak of the chronological peculiarities. After traveling some distance, we could discover we were suddenly tailgating our own meteor from several days ago.

ROSE: If we are particularly unfortunate, we might even collide in an intersection of spacetime with a meteor piloted by our future selves.

ROSE: And if we looked closely at that meteor before impact, we might notice a very large dent in it, which it originally suffered during the very collision we were about to experience.

ROSE: It takes precision and timing to reach your destination out here, and most importantly, the grace of the gods themselves.

KARKAT: PPPFFUUUUUUUHHHHHHH......... WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEZE...

ROSE: Hm?

SOLLUX: kk, what the fuck?

SOLLUX: were you h0lding your breath that wh0le time?

KARKAT: YEAH

KARKAT: SO?

TEREZI: OH GOD, YOU DUMMY

TEREZI: YOU DONT 4CTU4LLY H4V3 TO HOLD YOUR BR34TH WH3N YOUR3 B31NG QU13T!

KARKAT: OK YEAH

KARKAT: I MEAN, OF COURSE IT SOUNDS OBVIOUS WHEN YOU PUT IT LIKE THAT

DAVE: hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

DAVE: rose i told you this dude is fucking incredible

KARKAT: STFU.

KARKAT: LOOK I'M JUST A LITTLE OUT OF PRACTICE AT STAYING QUIET FOR EXTENDED PERIODS OF TIME, OK?

TEREZI: H3 R34LLY 1S >:|

KARKAT: ANYWAY, WHATEVER, SO WHAT YOU'RE SAYING LALONDE IS

KARKAT: WE'RE GOING TO BE ON THIS HORRIBLE ROCK A GOOD WHILE LONGER TO GET TO THIS PARADISE SESSION OR WHATEVER IT IS?

ROSE: Yes.

KARKAT: AND SINCE WE PROBABLY AREN'T GOING TO FORCE SOLLUX'S BULLSHIT "HALF GHOST" OR WHATEVER TO POP HIMSELF AGAIN LIKE A PACKET OF NASTY FETID MUSTARD SO HE CAN SHOOT THIS THING INTO HYPERSPACE...

SOLLUX: hey man, come 0n. not c0ol.

KARKAT: I'M GUESSING THAT MEANS IT'LL TAKE CONSIDERABLY LONGER TO GET THERE THAN IT DID TO GET HERE?

ROSE: Yes.

KARKAT: I JUST KNEW IT

KARKAT: THIS IS MY WORST NIGHTMARE REALIZED

KARKAT: WHEN WE FIRST FLED TO THIS METEOR I HAD THIS WEIRD FEELING WE'D WIND UP SPENDING FOREVER AT THIS MISERABLE PLACE, ASSUMING WE ACTUALLY SURVIVED.

KARKAT: I'M ALMOST AFRAID TO ASK, HOW LONG IS THIS TRIP GOING TO TAKE?

KARKAT: PROBABLY SOME ABSOLUTELY PREPOSTEROUS AMOUNT OF TIME, LIKE THREE LONG MADDENING SWEEPS, RIGHT???

KARKAT: WOULDN'T THAT JUST BE SO COSMICALLY CONVENIENT AND PERFECT FOR EVERYBODY! ESPECIALLY FOR THE MOST IMPORTANT PURPOSE OF ALL, MY UNINTERRUPTED CONTINUUM OF PERSONAL AGONY!!!

KARKAT: THANK YOU, DARK GODS! THANK YOU SO FUCKING MUCH!!! YOU WIN THIS ROUND! YOU WIN ALL THE ROUNDS APPARENTLY!!!!! THERE ARE NO ROUNDS EVEN. THERE'S JUST YOUR SLIMY TENDRILS, OUR NAKED BODIES, AND EPOCHS OF MOLESTATION.

ROSE: Don't be ridiculous. It won't take nearly that long.

KARKAT: OH

ROSE: It'll only take about three years.

KARKAT: OK

KARKAT: THAT'S NOT SO BAD I GUESS.

KARKAT: WAIT, HOW LONG ARE YEARS SUPPOSED TO BE AGAIN?

KARKAT: WAS IT LIKE TWO WEEKS OR SOMETHING?

ROSE: Yes, two.

ROSE: And then fifty more.

KARKAT: FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK.

ARADIA: karkat go back to holding your breath!

ARADIA: this is going to be a wonderful adventure for everyone

ARADIA: im a bit jealous honestly!

ARADIA: or i would be if i wasnt having such a good time with my death fangirl thing :p

KANAYA: So

KANAYA: You Arent Coming Then

ARADIA: no

ARADIA: i still have important work to do here

TEREZI: 4WW >:[

ARADIA: but that doesnt rule out the possibility we could meet again in bubbles along your journey!

TEREZI: 1 HOP3 SO

SOLLUX: yeah, i think i'll hang behind here t0o, if that's 0k with you guys.

KARKAT: WAIT, WHAT?

KARKAT: NO COME ON, DON'T BE LIKE THAT

SOLLUX: be like what? a ghost??

SOLLUX: i d0n't think i belong with the living anym0re.

KARKAT: YOU'RE A *HALF* GHOST, ASSHOLE.

KARKAT: WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN? HOW ARE YOU EVEN TAKING THIS IDIOTIC "HALF DEATH" SERIOUSLY IF YOU JUST GO HOG WILD AS A FUCKING WHOLE-GHOST, AND SAY STUPID SHIT LIKE, BLAH BLAH, I BELONG IN THE AFTERLIFE NOW LIKE A DUMBASS.

SOLLUX: kk, SORRY.

SOLLUX: i'm just d0ne with this crap, this insane adventure bullshit, it's nothing pers0nal.

SOLLUX: i just want to spend time with aa and chill 0ut and catch up with some 0f our dead buddies, is that 0k?

KARKAT: WHATEVER, FINE.

KARKAT: I'M GOING BACK TO NOT BREATHING AGAIN.

KARKAT: HHHHHHHHHHHHUUUUP.............

KANAYA: Maybe I Will Stay Here Too

ROSE: Why?

KANAYA: As Nice As It Sounds To Move On

KANAYA: I Dont Know If I Can Stand Three Of Your Human Years Of More Darkness

KANAYA: I Like This Sun Its Comforting In A Strange Way

KANAYA: Like Home

ROSE: But what if we need your help?

KANAYA: What Could I Possibly Do

KANAYA: Aside From Providing A Light Source As You Navigate The Dim Corridors

KANAYA: I Would Function As A Premium Escort To The Load Gaper And Thats About It

ARADIA: but kanaya you still have important work to finish too!

ARADIA: we cant ignore our duties

KANAYA: What Are You Talking About

ARADIA: our race is extinct remember

ARADIA: and after a few more casualties it is now hanging by a thread

ARADIA: your job was to see to the resurrection of our people

KANAYA: What Real Hope Is There For That

KANAYA: The Orb Was Destroyed

KANAYA: I Was Never Able To Duplicate It The Grist Cost Was Astronomical

ARADIA: theres always hope though!

ARADIA: you just never know and i dont think you should give up

KANAYA: Doesnt Rose Know

KANAYA: Cant You See The Path To Victory On This Matter

ROSE: It's hard to say.

ROSE: Does the repopulation of your species qualify as victory?

ROSE: These things aren't always clear cut. Some outcomes are for your own judgment.

ROSE: What outcome would you like the most?

KANAYA: I Would Like To Have The Orb Again And To Keep It Safe This Time

KANAYA: And I Guess To Not Be A Total Failure

ROSE: Ok.

ROSE: If you follow my advice, I can at least promise you will find yourself in the best position to determine whether that may come to pass.

KANAYA: ...

ROSE: Can you please come?

ROSE: Between the two of us, you with your inexplicably heretofore unmentioned phosphorescence, and I with my nigh-reflective traffic cone orange sun-sari, the meteor should never be too dark.

KARKAT: (sollux, oh my god is it me or is everybody already just fucking hitting on each other left and right? oh god i can't take sweeps of this shit, don't leave me alone here, please don't)

SOLLUX: ehehehehe.

KANAYA: Well

KANAYA: All Right

KANAYA: But Must We Really Leave So Soon

ROSE: It's soon or never. But not immediately.

ROSE: Even if the route were accessible right now, it would still behoove us to wait.

ROSE: There's correspondence from John yet to arrive.

DAVE: whoa really

ROSE: And after that, we have to wait for one final guest to appear.

ROSE: Then we ride like the solar wind. The race will be afoot.

KANAYA: Wait Another Visitor

KANAYA: Who

KARKAT: FUCK!

ROSE: Oh lord.

ROSE: Now what?

KARKAT: BRO, WHERE THE FUCK IS YOUR BODY

KARKAT: SOLLUX, WHERE DID YOUR BODY GO???

SOLLUX: hell if i kn0w.

ARADIA: oh nooo :(

KARKAT: WAIT A MINUTE.

KARKAT: WAIT JUST A FUCKING MINUTE, WHERE'S...

KARKAT: SHIT

KARKAT: VRISKA'S BODY IS GONE TOO!

DAVE: wait

DAVE: shes dead too

TEREZI: 3R...

DAVE: you guys are so messed up

KARKAT: WHERE ARE THEY?

KARKAT: DID ANYONE SEE WHAT HAPPENED??

KARKAT: DAMMIT, WHEN THE FUCK WILL I LEARN NOT TO TURN MY BACK ON THE BODIES.

KARKAT: HOLD ON

KARKAT: OH NO, WHERE'S GAMZEE

KANAYA: He Took Them

KANAYA: Look At The Trails

KARKAT: OHHHH FUCK

KARKAT: NO, FUCK NO, FUCK THAT CORPSE HOARDING SACK OF HORRIBLE GARBAGE.

DAVE: wait has the juggalo troll been giving you guys fits like this or something

DAVE: like this is a thing

DAVE: like a pattern

KARKAT: NICE GUESS SHIT HEAD!

DAVE: oh man one of you has got to sit me down and tell me what actually happened here it all just sounds fuckin amazing in sort of the stupidest way possible

DAVE: i mean like personal tragedies notwithstanding

KARKAT: YEAH, HE DOES THIS

KARKAT: HE SORT OF COLLECTS BODIES AND DECAPITATES THEM AND STUFF

KARKAT: STICKS THEM IN BIG SCIENCE JARS, FOR SOME REASON??

KANAYA: Im Pretty Sure He Kisses Them Too Sometimes

KARKAT: NO NO NO I'M NOT LISTENING TO SHIT LIKE THAT, I DIDN'T EVEN HEAR THAT.

KARKAT: IT'S LIKE

KARKAT: YOU KNOW HOW EVERY NOW AND THEN YOUR LUSUS WILL BRING SOME RANDOM ASS DEAD ANIMAL BACK TO YOUR HIVE FOR NO FUCKING REASON

KARKAT: AND THEY DON'T EVER STOP DOING THAT NO MATTER HOW MUCH YOU YELL

KARKAT: IT'S LIKE THAT, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN

DAVE: not really

DAVE: oh wait

DAVE: against all odds i sorta do

DAVE: mine actually did do that once

KARKAT: YES, THERE YOU GO.

DAVE: when i was really young

DAVE: he made this stupid leather bib for me out of a goddamn horse

DAVE: for the ironies obviously

ROSE: Was that the one you mentioned had a pink heart on it?

DAVE: yeah

ROSE: Hmm.

DAVE: what

ROSE: It's just that with the clarity afforded by my new abilities, it occurred to me just now that dead horse was likely the beautiful pet pony my mother gave me recently.

ROSE: It was crushed to death by your newborn ass.

ROSE: You bastard.

DAVE: well shit

DAVE: thats a hell of a mystery no one thought was a mystery and didnt even really need solving

DAVE: but damn if it didnt just get solved so nice work

ROSE: Thanks.

KARKAT: KANAYA WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

KANAYA: Clown Hunting

KARKAT: OH NO...

KARKAT: ARE YOU SURE YOU WANT TO DO THAT?

KARKAT: I MEAN WHO EVEN REALLY CARES IF HE STOLE MORE BODIES.

KARKAT: HE CAN HAVE THEM FRANKLY, AS LONG AS IT KEEPS HIM OUT OF TROUBLE.

KARKAT: WE DON'T NEED TO HAVE A FUCKING CORPSE PARTY, SERIOUSLY, FUCK THAT DUMB IDEA.

KANAYA: ...

KARKAT: ALRIGHT IF YOU'RE REALLY GOING TO GO

KARKAT: JUST

KARKAT: BE CAREFUL

KARKAT: NO MORE POINTLESS BLOODSHED, OK? THAT'S AN ORDER!

KARKAT: WAIT FUCK

KARKAT: I'M NOT LEADER ANYMORE

KARKAT: ROSE CAN YOU ORDER HER TO DO THAT?

KARKAT: SAY WHAT I JUST SAID, REALLY ANGRILY

KARKAT: ASSUMING YOU CAN EVEN *BE* ANGRY.

ROSE: ...

KARKAT: WAIT

KARKAT: GUYS SOMETHING'S HAPPENING...

KARKAT: WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON NOW???

KARKAT: HOLY

KARKAT: FUCKING

KARKAT: SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

KARKAT: HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII

KARKAT: IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII

KARKAT: IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIITTTTTTTTTTTTTTT.

[thereaderinsertlady]

I don't know if its already been requested, but I would really love to read a snatcher x reader from you. Fluff or nsfw how you feel (I will enjoy both >\\<) I would prefer female reader if possible.

Thank you for submitting this request— this was very fun for me to write! Though, I maaay have taken a few creative liberties, aaand— whoops, my hand slipped; reader is a female vampire lol. I came up with the idea due to Subcon being pretty much permanently dark/night, and I figured it would make sense for the reader to like it there (and there's like... zero fics of vampire readers x Snatcher :c)... Still, regardless, I managed to stay away from the more Gothic clichés associated with vampires, and ended up with something quite... interesting. Here's the link for this fic on ao3. And, I also managed to have a sturdy mix of fluff, a little smut, and general shenanigans, so... I hope you enjoy!

Snatcher x Reader - Marking (Semi-Smut)

“Can you mark me?”

Snatcher, who just sat down on his maroon recliner not even five seconds ago, sputtered at the sudden question. “Mark you? What does that even mean?!”

You fiddled with the edge of the footstool you were sitting on, trying to ignore the heat coming from your face. “You know what it means!” He gave you a flat, blank stare, and you groaned. “It, um... it’s a part of my... my culture, and we typically do it when in a romantic relationship with someone,” you said, giving a brief explanation.  

Snatcher huffed, folding his arms. “That still doesn’t explain what that means! How exactly would I mark you? Would I STAB you?”

“No, you wouldn’t stab me,” you said with a huff of your own... before pausing, now thinking about it. “Actually, you kinda would be stabbing me, but with your teeth.”

Snatcher slowly squinted at you. “Stabbing you, but with my teeth,” he said slowly, making sure he heard you correctly. You nodded, and he scoffed. “That’s one of the DUMBEST things I’ve ever heard! Why would I ever want to stab you with my teeth?”

“It’s like... a symbol, I guess! It shows that you love me,” you explained further.  

“How would a set of bite marks show that I love you? Don’t you bite people for a living?”

You pouted, getting a little frustrated that he wasn’t understanding the concept of ‘marking.’ “Yes, but I kill those people. Letting someone mark you shows how much you trust them, and how much they trust you.”

Snatcher rubbed his forehead, lightly groaning. “So, let me get this straight— you want ME to mark YOU because we both have a mutual trust of each other?”

You… nodded. “Pretty much.”

“…Why don’t you mark me instead?”

Immediately, you flushed pink. “M-M-Mark you? But… you’re a ghost! How would I possibly be able to mark you?”

“Well, I have a corporeal form, don’t I?” He began slowly. “I never had anyone bite me before, but it’s worth a shot, right?”

You chewed at your bottom lip anxiously. “Are you sure? Th-There’s a certain spot I have to bite down on, a-and it might not even work! And… yes, you do have a form I can touch,” you said, poking the lower part of his purple noodle-like body. “But...”

Snatcher huffed, before lifting you up by your armpits to place you on his lap. “Welp, you brought up the idea! So now you’re going to test it.”

“I-I thought you said that it was dumb, or something!” You said quickly, now not too sure about all this.  

“I’ve changed my mind!” He said, resting his large claws on your hip and lower back. You could practically feel the rumble in his chest as he talked. “So, go ahead— don’t be shy!”

You gulped, before adjusting yourself on his lap to where you were straddling his lower body. “Are... Are you sure about this...?”

“If I wasn’t sure, then I wouldn’t have offered!”

You... sighed, before leaning up towards where you assumed his neck was. He hummed, and slowly leaned down towards you so you could reach him better.  

There was a... lot of fluff in the way, needless to say, so you had to bury your face in it in order to reach his skin. You felt him stiffen, before relaxing against you. You knew about the whole ordeal with his... previous lover, so you were hesitant to even bring up the term ‘marking...’ But, to your surprise, he wasn’t against the idea. A bit confused and bewildered by the concept, sure, but not against it.  

Gently, you parted his fluff with your hands, searching for an acceptable spot to mark. Since you’d be placing it within his fluff, you doubt anyone would see it, but it was the thought of it being there that counted. After finding a spot, your canines sharpened to a lethal degree as your irises flashed red, preparing to bite down.  

Snatcher must’ve felt you tense up, because he became tense as well. You lightly frowned, but didn’t mention it. Slowly, carefully, you pressed your mouth against his ghostly flesh, and softly bit down... before grunting when your teeth didn’t pierce through his skin. With a deep exhale, you tilted your head at a different angle, before biting down again... Still, your fangs weren’t able to puncture him. You bit down harder, but to no avail.  

You pulled away with a loud huff, and your teeth and irises returned to normal. “I can’t pierce through your skin! It’s like... trying to bite down on rubber, or... or silicone!”

Snatcher hummed, slightly rubbing at his chin. “Is that so? Hm... seems like you can’t mark me after all, unless we come up with a different solution for that...”

You sighed in defeat, and was about to get off his lap, but he suddenly tightened his grip on you.

“However, I’m almost one hundred percent certain that I can sink my teeth into you!”

You squeaked when he grabbed a claw-full of your hair, tilting your head back to reveal your own neck. Snatcher didn’t really have teeth, just two points that make up his mouth, but they were close enough to teeth that it didn’t really matter.  

A hot, somewhat needy whine escaped you, and you willingly tilted you head back further. “Snaaatcher... please be careful...”

“Oh, I’ll be careful alright,” he chuckled, before pressing a kiss to your throat. “I’ll be careful...”

You relaxed at his words, and slowly closed your eyes, expecting him to sink his teeth into you right then and there... but what you weren’t expecting, was for him to tear your shirt off!  

“Snatcher!” You gasped.  

He cackled, and threw the remains of your torn shirt to the floor. He proceeded to run his claws up and down your sides, sending a pleasant chill down your spine. “Ohohoho, you’ve made a graaave mistake in trusting me, little vampire! Now, you shall pay the price...”

First, Snatcher started with little kisses across your upper body... Though, since he was in a larger form, his ‘little kisses’ weren’t so little at all. It left you breathless, and it didn’t seem like he was going to stop anytime soon... not that you minded, of course.

Then, not too long after, his kisses transitioned into hickeys. He sucked and nibbled at your flesh, leaving spots all over you for you to discover later. He started off slow, and soft, but as time went on, he began to get a little... rough.

A few moans escaped you, and you grinded yourself against his lap, taking advantage of the fact that you were still straddling him. “A-Ah... Snatcher...”

Snatcher lightly growled, seemingly frustrated with the only article of clothing that was still covering your chest— your bra. You quickly realized why he was getting frustrated, and before he could say anything, you took off your bra, tossing it by your torn shirt.  

“D-Don’t want you ruining that, too,” you lightly joked, and— and squealed when he nibbled at the side of your breast.  

“Oh, you poor little fool,” Snatcher cackled, tightening his hold on you. “This is all your fault, you know. You never should have told me to mark you!”

You suddenly pouted at that, and lightly pushed against him so you could look at his face. “Well, I want you to mark me, Snatcher! I want you to take your teeth, and stab me in the neck with them!”

Snatcher let out a sudden hearty laugh at your demand, dropping his evil act in an instant. “Y-You, you want me to... you’re cute.”

...Slowly, a smile appeared on your face. You opened your mouth to say something, but... paused, and… glanced around as an odd feeling settled in your gut. “Hey, Snatcher?”  

He hummed while rubbing your naked back, letting you know that he was listening.

“Um... do you think you could invest in some curtains?” You said, leaning forwards to where your breasts were pressed against him, effectively covering your nipples. “I don’t want anyone to see that I’m, uh... half naked.”

Snatcher paused as well, and looked at the two large open holes that made up his house... “I suppose it wouldn’t be a horrible idea to make such an investment,” he chuckled a little sheepishly, which was surprising that he was capable of such an emotion.  

You groaned, burying your face into his neck fluff. “I really hope your minions haven’t peeked into here...”

Snatcher cackled, patting your back. “Embarrassed, are we? I assure you that none of my minions have looked into my abode... probably.”

“Snaaatcher,” you whined, feeling your face heat up.

“Whaaat?” Snatcher said, somewhat mockingly. “Are you really that embarrassed? My minions couldn’t care less about what we’re doing!”  

“That’s a lie, and you know it!” You hissed out, feeling your face turn redder. “They have a whole shipping-thingy with us! Fanfics, fanart— the works!”

“...Th-They do?”  

“Yes!” You said, leaning closer to him. “And, if they see us doing our thing...”

Snatcher was silent for a long moment, but eventually waved a hand. “Bah, it’ll be fine. So what if they make a few of these, uh, fanarts of us? It’ll be fine!” He tried to say without making a face.

“Snatcher.”

“Hm?”

“You’re blushing.”

“Hm.” Snatcher’s face turned a deeper shade of yellow when you pointed it out, and he glanced off to the side while his tail tapped against the wooden floor... “I’ll see about investing in those curtains, dear...”

You let out a short huff, and leaned further against him. “Good...” You were about to ask him what you were going to do about your torn shirt, but yelped when he suddenly slammed you against the floor with a wicked grin.

“But FIRST, I believe there’s a few things we have to do!” Snatcher cackled, slowly wrapping the bottom half of his body around your legs. With a claw, he pinned your hands above your head, and leaned in reeeal close to your face.

You gasped, and tried your best to ignore the fluttery feeling coming from your lower regions. “B-But Snatcher! What if someone sees, a-and—”

“Let them see,” he snarled lowly, groping one of your breasts with his free claw.  

You chewed your bottom lip as your eyes widened, feeling a surge of arousal pulse down below. “O-Okay,” you whispered breathlessly, feeling almost lightheaded due to the abundance of emotions you were currently feeling. At this point, you really didn’t care if anyone saw. You might care later, sure, but right now...

Slowly, Snatcher leaned down towards your neck, starting off with a few kisses. He rubbed the hardened nipples on your breasts, and a hot whimper escaped you. He settled his lower body between your legs, and you couldn’t help but grind against him.

“So needy,” he mumbled against your neck. “So, so needy...”

You panted, and grinded against him a bit rougher. “Sn-Snatcher... mmh... please...”

“Please what, dear? Just what can I do for you?” He said, and you felt him grin against your flesh.

“Pl-Please... mark me,” you whispered.

A shrill cry escaped you when Snatcher sunk his teeth into your neck, and you knew when the wound scarred over, it would leave a wonderful mark on your skin...

—

(BONUS)

“Hey Finley, Finley! We’ve got a code purple!” A little person in a dark cloak yelled, running down the gravel path towards the village where the rest of Snatcher’s minions lived.

Finley, another little cloaked person who was sitting on a tree stump, gasped loudly. “A-A-A code purple?! But... But that’s impossible! Boss wouldn’t... he couldn’t! Oh, oh my goodness— HEY EVERYONE, WE’VE GOT A CODE PURPLE!” He shouted out towards the village.

As soon as Finley said that, the minions in the village immediately got to work, hurriedly dashing between buildings, passing papers.

“Code purple, purple!” One minion shouted out.  

“Roger that, we’ve got a code purple, over. Repeat, code purple. Over.”

“Alex, get working on those papers! Alex!”

“I’m already on it— I’ve got a quarter of a page written already!”  

“Jen-Jen, you got those sketches ready?!”

“I-I’m almost done with the outline!”

“Hey, does anyone have a maroon marker?”

“Just use red, it’s the same color!”

“It is NOT the same color, you swine! I canNOT believe you just said that to me. If I didn’t have my hands full, I would’ve punched you!”

“So, which one sounds better; ghost slash vampire, or vampire slash ghost?”

“You use slashes? I thought exes were the norm?”

“Exes?! There’s no way they’ve broken up that quickly— ow, who hit me?”

“They’re not breaking up, you dummy! And pay attention— your lines are crooked!”

Nearly half of Subcon’s residents got to work as soon as the term ‘code purple’ spread throughout the forest, sending the place into a flurry of creativity...

[bigender-titan]

Mundane Slice Of Life

Luz panics over her first date with Amity. Eda tries to reassure her.

Content warning for some self esteem issues and a minor line implying sex (said mostly as a joke).

AO3

After repeatedly almost dying, things were settling down a bit at the Owl House. As much as things were ever settled at the Owl House, anyway. Between King leaving empty tubs of ice cream all over the house and Lilith putting Deadwardian architecture sticky notes on every inch of the walls and Hooty being... being himself, things were still sufficiently chaotic. Eda was trying very hard to ignore King and Hooty's argument over... she didn't want to know... by sitting in her kitchen and drinking apple blood. 

"Eda! I need advice!" 

Eda set her cup down and snorted. "Me? A questionable decision. About what?"

"So..." Luz's cheeks were pink. Definitely asking for advice about her sweet potato. Eda smirked. "I kinda, sorta, promised Amity that after the day of unity we would go on a date together and I should probably get around to doing that soon but I don't really know how to... plan a date, so I wanted to ask. Like, how did your first date with Raine go?"

It'd been a while since she thought about that. (A lie. She daydreamed about Raine frequently.) Still, this might not be a story worth telling to Luz. It was rather... disastrous. "Um- well- that's not important, this is about you and Amity, not me and Rainstorm-"

"Our first date?" Raine called from the other side of the kitchen, where they were rummaging through cupboards. "Oh, she set me on fire."

Luz's eyes widened.

Eda huffed. "Okay, well, I was trying to set the slitherbeast on fire instead, but someone got in my way at the last second."

"And who led us into its den in the first place?" Raine crossed their arms, giving Eda a stern look. She tried her best to look angry and defensive in return, but had a difficult time suppressing her stupid smile. The overwhelming surge of affection she felt for this witch was incredibly annoying.

"Only because we had to run away from the flesh-eating beetles!" 

"Eda, why were there flesh-eating beetles on our date?"

"I thought it was the wrong season for them to be active!" Raine raised an eyebrow at her. "Lilith told me she read that in one of her nerd books, blame her!"

Luz cleared her throat before Raine could retaliate, or before Lilith could jump in to defend herself. "Someday, you two are going to have to tell me this story. Your first date sounds like a total disaster." Her face fell at the last few words.

"It was," Raine agreed.

Almost inaudibly, Luz said "Mine probably will be too."

"Hey, ours was a disaster, but they still fell in love with me!"

Raine heaved a deep sigh. "But I still fell in love with her."

After pecking them on the cheek, Eda walked over to put a hand on Luz's shoulder. "Amity will still like you even if this date doesn't go well, Luz."

Grabbing fistfuls of her hair and pulling, Luz began to pace. "It has to go well! You don't get it! Amity is the best girlfriend ever and I need to give her a date as awesome as she deserves. I asked her out in front of a sobbing Hooty after destroying a Tunnel of Love. I ran away after she first kissed me on the cheek, I dragged her into the whole thing with Belos, I almost got her killed how many times? I have not been doing a good job as her girlfriend and I need to change that now, okay!?"

"Kid." Eda took Luz's hands out of her hair and held them. "Luz. You're a great girlfriend to Amity. I can't believe you don't know that already, you goob. You helped her defeat Grom so she didn't have to be on her own, you nearly got eaten by a bookworm just to let her keep her job, you send her all those weird messages that she loves for whatever reason, you actually communicate with her about your problems, you joined a fight club to help her prove herself to her father, and let's not forget- you saved her from being grounded by climbing through her window like a damn princess. You are a sickeningly sweet and caring girlfriend and this date will be great as long as you keep being the dork she fell for, okay?"

Luz sniffed. "You really think that?"

Gently, she shoved Luz's arm. "Duh."

"O-okay. Where do you think I should take her?"

"You know her better than I do, kid. You'd know better what she wants."

"Don't take her for a picnic on the Knee. You might encounter flesh-eating beetles." Raine shuddered.

Eda shook her head. "Will you let that go already?"

Luz's face lit up. "Oh! A picnic would actually be neat. Not on the Knee. I was thinking near the Bonesborough Brawl, that tree over there? It's really pretty, and it's where we danced together for Grom, remember?"

She did remember. She distinctly remembered watching them twirl around and muttering to King, those witches gay, good for them. "That's a great idea, kid."

Luz smiled. "I'll... uh... ask her out, then." She typed something out on her weird human device. "Now, if you two are being entirely unhelpful on how to plan a first date, I'll go ask Lilith how hers went." She turned towards the door.

"Nah, don't ask her. Lilith hasn't been on one. She doesn't really like people like that, you know?"

"Oh, alright."

Hooty crashed through the door. "Luz! Do you want to hear about my first date?"

"No!" Luz jumped back and shuddered.

Eda shuddered too as the memories struck her. "Yeah, you're better off not knowing. Well, let's forget Hooty ever mentioned that! Want help packing some food for your picnic?"

"Give her apple blood," Raine offered. "Foolproof flirting method."

Yeah. Yeah, that did work. Luz grabbed two boxes and put them in a basket. Then, she set to work making sandwiches. Eda grinned at her and went to put an arm around Raine. "Look at our kid, all set to go on her first date with her sweet potato."

They smiled back. "Are you going do the mom thing where you threaten to hex Amity into next week if she hurts Luz?"

"Nah. I've considered it, but Luz is perfectly capable of hexing Amity into next week herself if that happens."

"I don't think it will. Those two like each other a lot."

Before Eda could reply, Hooty called out. "Luz, your girlfriend's here, hoot hoot!"

Luz turned bright red as soon as Amity walked into the room. "Sweet potato! Uh. Hi. Hey. Hello."

"Hey, Luz."

"Sooo... I wanted to ask..." Luz scratched the back of her neck. "You know how I promised to take you on a super mundane, slice of life date? I, uh, wanted to ask if you wanted to go for a picnic together, by that tree we danced to at Grom, I packed food-" She lifted up the basket. "-and the place is really pretty, uh, like you-"

Amity leaned over to kiss Luz on the forehead. "That sounds great, sweet potato! Let's go!"

Luz, still blushing like a tomato, took Amity's hand and began to walk.

"Have fun, you two!" Eda called. "And remember to use protectio-"

"Eda!"

[bmpmp3]

I READ a lot of different manga recently and i WANNA talk about em :)

SO LIKE i ADORE stories about the entertainment industry like music actors celebrity whatever i LOVE IT so oshi no ko had been on my to-read list for like a bajillion years now BUT queen bee doing the ending song for the anime (MEPHISTO!!!! LISTEN TO IT!!!!!!!!!! ITS SO GOOOOOOD!!!! LISTEN TO EVERY QUEEN BEE ALBUM RIGHT NOW!!!!!!!!!!!! the opening is good too) finally pushed me to read it (not watch it sorry... normally the anison industry has this symbiotic relationship between the songs and the shows where the show makes people get interested in the musicians and vice versa but as a person who cannot watch a single episode of a show ever (jk.....probably) I only ever check out the manga and osts HJKFJFDHKDSLS its kinda cool that the first episode is like a movie length adaptation of the first volume of the manga though from what i can tell) AND its very good!!

i did NAHT expect the reincarnation stuff (all i knew was it was a manga about an idol who has kids in secret) but theres some glimmers of interesting concepts touched on with that (kinda like half way between the modern isekai “i just am the person i was before i died just in a different body” and the 90s shoujo manga style “im mostly the new born person but there is the remnants of someone else in here”, it hasnt touched on it That Much but what they brought up is interesting, like that kid has simultaneously been alive for over 50 years and also is incredibly 15 years old hjkfdsjhfds) but it’s a showbiz mystery thriller with so much tonal whiplash OF COURSE i’d like it those are like. my favourite genres hjkfddsjklfd

so far ive been digging it. OR... well i’ve caught up and the last third has been. a little odd? i know i just said i love my tonal whiplash but it feels a little like its going really fast but also like. dropping some plot threads and character arcs that i was kind of hoping they would go back into? it’s still ongoing though, it could easily bring stuff back and turn around. im assuming this is a symptom of the weekly release schedule? 99% of the manga i read is monthly or occasionally volume at a time so im not as familiar with the structure. is the author like. okay. i know they take breaks but man. i could feel it with the arcs about the manga authors. salutes

that does remind me though. this isnt a manga ive read Recently (i first read it like a year or two ago) but recently i finally was able to collect all volumes of penguin revolution (VERY DIFFICULT FEAT for some reason all the volumes were cheap as hell except people kept listing volume 6 for like hundreds of dollars and i was like. its not worth that. i was finally able to find one for like under 15 bucks after like a year but MAN) and its interesting that like oshi no ko felt like. the slightly bloodier penguin revolution. penguin revolution with more blood and less acting magic hallucination little girls (actually what was that one little girl who showed up for a chapter....maybe they both have equal amounts LOL) JK JK they’re probably not very similar ones an award winning 2020s era seinen and the others a weekly shoujo from the mid to late 10s that was cut off short and while well rated, largely forgotten (not to me...to me its Everything) so they got different things going on  its just little blonde boys and their mother situations put me in the mind of penguin revolution...i should reread it again...

ALSO before i started that i read sweat and soap and um. first of all. that man is a little freak <3 second of all ITS REALLY GOOD its a really nice and sweet story about a couple navigating their relationship, the first chapters are a little clunky (i think the author mentioned it was a one shot that unexpectedly got picked up for a full series so thats why the first chapter is a little fast lol) THIRD OF ALL the depiction of bullying and how it can affect one later in life even as an adult was Very well done like especially how the bullies themselves may have completely moved on, thinking nothing of it even while it still consumes you, real ass shit for a manga about a little freak who sniffs <3 also just a very funny and fun manga with pretty great characters. if i ever get physical copies some of those book covers are gonna be. hard to explain

speaking of real ass shit before that i also borrowed sand chronicles from my library (<3 my local library it has so much manga for some reason!!!!) and that was ALSO 99% really really good as like a decade long coming of age character study about this girl and her trauma and how she attempts to navigate it, very realistic in a lot of ways, i mean it was heightened in classic 2000s shoujo ways but so many of the characters had me going like damn. i feel like i know these people jfkdshfds its good!!! EXCEPT. why’d they make that one guy marry his cousin. 99% good and 1% girl why. oh well, im still glad i read it, sometimes i find that something that does most things fantastically and one thing really bad has a lot of value as someone who loves media analysis LOL

OH and i havent finished this one yet, but seeing that little red bespectacled blonde twink and his 2018-ass undercut reminded me that i’d been meaning to read trigun, i watched the original anime when i was like 10 but all i remember is like. the opening theme guitars. something about plants. love and peace SO this is basically a new experience hjkFjdskdjfkds its good so far! I’ve only read like 3 chapters but i like it! i wish i could watch the new show too (i love that style of 3d animation) but as i said before. watching a show is. a monumental task. maybe someday

ANYWAY this has been BEEBEEPBEEBEEEBEEBEEP (news jingle) things i have read in the past couple months thank u and good night

[mypoisonedvine]

Seeing Red | bodyguard!Bucky Barnes x reader (part 7)

(part 1) (part 2) (part 3) (part 4) (part 5) (part 6)

series summary: bucky used to brag that he didn’t have a celebrity crush, or really care about famous people at all, which is what made him the perfect person to start working for a celebrity like yourself.  except, of course, it’s just his luck that he’d fall for you.  

word count: 2.5k

warnings: um just implied smut and fluff and a reference to bdsm I guess?? but it's pretty chill overall

Liked by starkcosmetics and others

y/n.y/l/n okay first of all, it takes an act of god to get a picture of this guy smiling, but it’s always worth it.  he really changed everything for me and I can’t thank him enough for that.  so happy ❤️ 

View all 9,208 comments

caroldanvers 😍😍😍

flowercrowny/n oh my god this is so sweet i’m gonna cry

1 HOUR AGO

He smiled as he stared down at the post you’d made, remembering how much effort you’d put into finding the perfect picture (in your opinion; he thought he looked kinda dopey in it) as well as writing and re-writing your caption.

The speed at which your post gained likes and comments was inconceivable to him; even more impressive was the speed at which gossip rags were picking up the story.  Sure enough, his phone’s alerts to new headlines about you were not only going off like crazy, but had started to include news about himself as well.  

Y/N Y/L/N Shocks With Romantic Instagram Post, Confirms Dating Rumors

You’ll Never Guess Which Hollywood Starlet Is Dating Her Driver

Who is James Barnes?  Everything We Know About Y/N Y/L/N’s New Beau

Skimming one of the articles, he was impressed at how much information they’d managed to get without actually getting anything from you or him.  Born in Brooklyn, disabled Army veteran, worked a list of odd jobs before becoming your driver and bodyguard.  ‘No social media presence, prefers to keep a low profile’ one of them said; you can say that again, Bucky chuckled to himself when he read it.

He found another from People and didn’t particularly appreciate that it spent half the time going through all your past exes and rumored partners (turned out ‘rumored’ is a fancy word for ‘a bunch of fans deluded themselves so hard that it somehow turned into news without any proof necessary’).  But he still smiled when he got to the part that was actually about you and him.

‘The relationship is pretty new but they’re so happy together,’  a source close to the couple reported.  

Close indeed; that statement came from your publicist, who he’d never even meet.  

‘He’s a very private guy and she’s got this huge following, so they’re sort of an odd couple in that way, but she knows her fans are respectful and will let them have their own life outside of the spotlight.’ 

Bucky wasn’t sure that the respectfulness of fans was such a given here, but he hoped you were right.  To be fair, they’d been very sweet on your original post insofar. 

However, when he scrolled to the bottom of the celebrity magazine articles and realized they had their own comments section, he discovered that they were a little less forgiving than the ones on your Instagram.  

Is this the best she thinks she can do?  So sad tbh :(

a military guy…. yikes, she could get any guy she wants and she goes for a murderer. 

He looks like a hobo that found a coupon for a free haircut lol

I don’t buy it, I know she’ll always love Pietro!

Pietro being your former co-star that so many of your fans were convinced was actually your soulmate.  From what he’d heard from you, those speculations had made things so uncomfortable between the two of you that it killed your friendship.  Those were nothing, though, compared to the comments about someone you actually had dated.

she’s obviously not over sam… they were so good together

He’d better watch out for her ex, he still likes tweets about her and they have so much chemistry

Wait, she’s not still with Sam Wilson??  I could’ve sworn they’d been dating for, like, five years.

You were scrolling through your phone with a smile as you walked past where he was sitting on the couch, and he just couldn’t help himself from asking even though he knew it wasn’t the best idea.  “Do I need to worry about this Sam thing?” he blurted out, trying to play it cool and not sound too anxious.  “People are really obsessed with you two…”

“Sam and I…” you sighed, staring off into space for a second.  He made himself anxious imagining what you were thinking about in that moment.  “I haven’t talked to him in… years?  I think it’s just because our relationship was so public that people are still talking about it.  And it had a lot of gossip material— we did a movie together, people thought it was sweet that we got together during production, it was great promotion for the picture… and from the outside, we made a lot of sense for each other.  But he has his own problems.  I loved him, but… he wasn’t ever going to be a one-girl kinda guy.”

“But you’re not just any one girl.  You’re… you know, you,” he emphasized.

“You’ve been reading too many headlines,” you shook your head as you sat down beside him.  “Please don’t turn into one of those guys who thinks of me as a celebrity first.  Before that—” you pointed to your own name where it was bolded on his screen in the trending topics page of Twitter— “was popping up on movie posters and in gossip magazines, it was just my name.  And I’m not perfect.  Not even close.”

Bucky sighed and wrapped his arms around you, pulling you into him and holding you tightly.  “And before I knew you were famous, or rich, or incredibly talented, I was totally obsessed with you just for who you are.”

“You’re too fucking amazing,” you sighed as you held his face and gave him a gentle kiss— the kind of kiss that instantly melted his heart and banished his worries.  When you pulled back and looked up at him with a smile, it was like everything else just… faded away.  “Don’t read the comments, okay?  None of them matter.”

He smiled and brushed his thumb over your cheek, overwhelmed by not only the softness of your skin but of your spirit as well.  In all his life he’d never been handled so… gently, with so much care.  “You’re the best thing that ever happened to me,” he mumbled, not even really realizing he’d said it aloud until you gave him a beaming smile.

“I can’t believe you’re my boyfriend,” you giggled pridefully.

“Seriously?  I can… very easily believe it,” he scoffed.

“I just mean… you’re so…” you searched for the words.  “You’re actually good to me, that’s the thing.  I’m not used to that.”

“You deserve the world,” he assured.  “I’m just gonna keep trying to give you as much of it as I can find.”

He watched his hand trail over your face, down your neck and to your chest where he played with the hem of your t-shirt.

"It's odd to know there are millions of people who are jealous of me,” he admitted quietly, remembering some aggressive comments from some very angry dudes who had apparently also watched your nude scene a few too many times.

"Do you like it?  Do you like how it feels to know you're making them angry every time you touch me?"

"Couldn't care less," he refuted.  "Nobody else matters when I'm touchin' you."

“Do you maybe wanna… touch me a little more about it?” you smirked, opening your legs slightly in invitation.

“Always.”

//

Bucky had, thankfully, not let the newfound fame get to his head.  In fact, he had demanded that the two of you hunker down in the house, since he feared that going out would lead to being recognized.  What he apparently hadn’t anticipated was that that might not be enough.

“Will you get that?” you requested when the gate buzzed, too wrapped up in the book you were reading to answer the intercom.

He hopped up and held down the button to communicate with the gate speaker.  “Who is it?” he asked.

“I’ve got a delivery from Anjappar Chettinad on 23rd?”

Bucky didn’t even reply before hitting the green button and granting access to the driveway.  BEEP BEEP BEEP! you heard the gate signal its opening, and the car pulling around up to the door.  Bucky didn’t open it until there was a knock, greeting the delivery guy with a smile and the necessary cash.

“I’ve got a lamb korma, hyderabadi mutton dum biryani and an order of— woah,” the man suddenly stopped, staring at Bucky’s face.  “Are you—?’

“Hungry?  Yes,” he frowned.

“You’re the guy dating— holy shit, congrats man,” he beamed, smacking Bucky on the shoulder pridefully before leaning in with a mischievous smirk.  “Say, is she a freak or what?”

“She is,” you piped up from the couch, making both men turn their heads; but one was chuckling while the other looked mortified.  “You better not have forgotten my paneer pakora or I’m gonna chain you up and whip you.”

“Uh, I— no, I got it right here,” he promised weakly, handing the bag over to Bucky and starting to dash away before Bucky grabbed his arm, making the smaller man whimper fearfully.

“You forgot the money,” Bucky reminded him gruffly, stuffing the bills into the driver’s front pocket.

Finally, he let go, and the delivery man instantly pulled away, rubbing his arm and looking a bit like a kicked puppy as he went back to his car and drove away.

“You didn’t need to scare him that bad,” Bucky chuckled.

“I could say the same to you!  Grabbing somebody with the metal arm like that will put the fear of God into them pretty fast.”

“I didn’t mean to grab him that hard,” he admitted, examining the prosthetic hand as he came back to the couch with the bag of food, handing it to you while he focused on watching his motorized fingers curl and uncurl.  “I think I need to get this thing recalibrated… it’s been bugging out lately.”

“I dunno, it was working just fine last night,” you smiled, remembering how delightfully cool those fingers felt inside you.

Bucky seemed to miss it entirely, though, as he stared off into space.  “I can’t believe I got… recognized.”

“You’re a star,” you winked.  “And not just with random delivery drivers.  I’ve had a lot of press requests, everybody wants to be the first one to get nice pictures of us together— we’ve had a dozen event invites as a couple.”

“Seriously?!” he scoffed, snapping back to reality slightly enough 

“Yeah, and look what came in same-day mail this morning!”  You leaned over to shuffle through the mail on the side table before finding and handing him a letter in a gold-embossed envelope, watching him read what you knew was inside.

The Hollywood Foreign Press Association extends an invitation to Y/N Y/L/N and James Barnes to the annual Grant Banquet in support of the Young Artists Fund.

“It seems like a good first event for us,” you explained.  “Relatively small and low stakes, it’s for a good cause…”

“Are you sure I’m ready to be, you know… seen?  By people?” 

You scoffed, hardly believing how insecure he could be sometimes.  “You look great, if that’s what you’re asking.”

“Will I have to talk to anybody other than you?” he asked, grimacing as if that were a form of brutal torture.

“Probably,” you admitted.

His frown deepened.  “What if I say the wrong thing?”

“I’m not that worried about you,” you smirked.  “You’re a lot better at this stuff than you think you are.”

“I don’t have anything to wear…”

You smirked, a little too proud of yourself, when you remembered the email your publicist had forwarded to you just this morning.  “Hugo Boss will pay you $1500 to wear one of their suits on the carpet.”

“They’ll pay me to wear free clothes?” he repeated with wide eyes.

“Yeah, that’s one of the cooler things about fame,” you laughed.  “I make a grand every time I wear this watch outside!”

“I guess I should send them my measurements then…” he trailed off.  “Any chance I can get in on that watch deal?”

“No, but you can make $50 by getting papped at Jamba Juice.”

He paused for a moment, scratching the back of his neck as he thought.  “Is the smoothie comped?”

“I don’t know.  Do you want me to ask?”

“...kinda…” he admitted with a shy smile.  

“Well, I will, and I’ll RSVP to this invite saying we’ll be there next week,” you decided as you started to open up the food, but Bucky stopped you by reaching for your hands.

“Are we really doing this?” he asked.

“If you want to,” you mitigated.

“Of course I do.  I guess I have to accept that you’re actually willing to be seen with me,” he chuckled.  “It’s just sort of hard to believe.”

You leaned in and kissed him; it was meant to be a casual, reassuring peck but he held you closer and you melted into him, moaning softly at his touch as you started to climb into his lap.

“The food’s gonna get cold,” he reminded you with a mumble against your lips.

Unfortunately, your literal hunger was a bit too strong to ignore, even with the growing intensity of a metaphorical hunger for Bucky.  “Alright,” you relented, getting off of him and returning your attention to the meal on the table.  “Just know that I really, really want to be seen together, in public, just in case anybody missed the news about us already.  I’m not embarrassed by you or afraid you’re going to do something dumb.  I…”

One of those words that can’t be unsaid started to bubble up in your throat and you coughed, banishing the thought.

“I really like you.  I think we have something special.”

He smiled gently, giving you one more kiss on the cheek.  “I think so, too.”

//

Since this was slightly less of a big deal than a premiere or press tour, you had managed to convince your styling team to let you dress yourself, which was why he was laying on the bed and talking to you through the bathroom door while you put on your gown.

“Do you want me to hire a new driver?” you prompted him, voice muffled slightly as he imagined your head covered in the fabric, trying to navigate through the dress.  “I don’t want you to feel… I don’t know, like a servant?”

“A servant?  You’re still paying me,” he reminded you.  “You are still paying me, right?”

“Yes,” you laughed, “but still, I would hate it if you felt like staff.  You’re my boyfriend!”

(His heart still fluttered every time you said it.)

“No new driver,” he decided.  “I can drive just fine, and considering how things went between us… let’s not open the door for anybody else,” he smirked, making you laugh in that way you did when he made a stupid joke but you still liked it somehow.

“Okay, sure, but what about being my bodyguard?  Is that too weird?” you continued.

“God no,” he scoffed, “if anything I’m gonna be better at my job than ever.  As your boyfriend, keeping you safe is my job, but since keeping you safe was already my job… it’s, like, doubled-up now.”

He lost his train of thought when you opened the door.

“How do I look?” you asked as you stepped in and gave him a spin in your new dress.  Your whole body was draped in red silk, with the exception of your back which was almost entirely exposed, as if it were begging him to run his fingers down your spine.

“Like everything I ever wanted,” he blurted out before he could stop himself.

And it was so odd that you questioned his desire to drive you, because those moments where he could steer with one hand and rest the other on your thigh, when he could catch a glimpse of you looking out the window at the city rolling by, when he got to listen to you ramble about something to kill the time during a drive; those were his favorite moments, and he wouldn’t trade them for anything.

After a relatively brief trip, you arrived at the venue, and all of a sudden he was doing what he’d fantasized about more than he’d like to admit: escorting you down a red carpet.  It was almost overwhelming— yelling, chattering, reporters speaking into camera, flashes going off in every direction—

“Hey,” you whispered, bringing your hand up to his cheek and instantly taking all his attention.

“Hey,” he returned.

“Just follow my lead,” you instructed.

“That was the plan.”

[touyaspeach]

Okay because you put this in my brain it's ending up here:

Not me actually thinking Dabi would be like an amazing coparent, like he's scared of fucking up, but if he commits he's in it 100% Always trying yo be present, lots of reassurances to y'alls kids that they're more than enough. He doesn't spoil them nor does fall for puppy dog eyes (around you) so punishments always seem like a fair and equal thing till you catch each other, letting them watch TV early or something.

Why is this coming to me 😭

NO BC I WROTE A BUNCH OF HCS ABOUT THIS AND CAN'T FIND THEM?!

Okay, let me summarize. Because you are absolutely 110% correct.

Um under the cut bc it got long.

Because of Enji, he's terrified to be a dad at first. What if he turns out like that? He's never known a kind hand in his life so what if he fucks up?

You know that saying like, a mom falls in love with her child when she gets pregnant, a dad falls in love with his child when he sees them? That's Dabi.

Did you ever watch how I met your mother? The scene where Barney meets his daughter? That's Dabi.

He'd be so protective of his child. Like we all know he'd kill for them, but he'd also die for them.

Like he's constantly so scared he's gonna fuck up or be awful like his dad so he's just so gentle with them.

Even for punishments, it's like you said.

Man's is legit terrified he'd become his father, that he'll go too far. Because that's all enji taught him; how to go too far.

He wants to hold them, dote on them, show them all the love they deserve and that he feels in his heart. But his staples are rough and baby skin is soft. And now he's terrified of hurting them on accident.

You'd promise him that he won't hurt them, that he's gentle enough. And he's so fucking hesitant. This child is his whole world and he couldn't live with himself if he ever hurt them. But after a lot of reassurance he becomes more comfortable.

He's still worried though, what would growing up with a dad like him mean? He's scarred and ugly and a villain. And he makes the decision on his own to get help. Because his child is worth it.

Begrudgingly he'd contact Endeavor, the hero because and only because of his connections. If anyone can help him and expunge his record its his dad.

And that's what changes his life. He swallows his anger, his pride, his hate, and he gets help. Enji pulls strings and while he can never really integrate (not that he wants to, mind you) at least he can be close enough to "normal" that his child will have a decent life.

And he heals. It's a long, painful process and his skin is never the same but he's no longer held together by staples, the smell of burned skin and decay no longer follow him everywhere. He can hold his children without worry, now.

Yes. Children. Because he's so in love with the first one, you have a second.

He doesn't have to work, Enji pays for everything. And he adores his grand children. Touya hates him. Will always hate him, but he knows without him this life wouldn't be possible and so he grits his teeth and bares it. For them.

Rei is more easily forgiven, and she might keep her distance but the kids love her anyway. She's scared of Touya, rightfully so, and he can live with that.

Fuyumi would do anything for them (and you, she loves you), she's always watching them and they even go to her school when they're old enough.

Natsuo is a little harder to convince, but when he sees the genuine happiness on his brother's face for the first time ever, he swallows his pride. He stays distant, like Rei, but he is no longer angry about everything.

And Shouto, dear Shouto. The youngest brother who cries when he learns. The one who never really knew Touya before he was Dabi. The one who could have easily went down that darkened path and sees so much of himself reflected in those eyes.

He's awkward around them, but they love him so much. He's their favorite. Between Shouto and Fuyumi they're around the most.

And I didn't talk about quirks yet.

When your oldest develops flames as hot as Touya's, he panics. What of their body is frail like his? What if they lose control? What if-

But then you learn that they don't. That their body is made for a quirk like that, and for the first time Touya weeps.

And when one of them pops out with half red hair, the other half matching yours? With a split fire and ice quirk just like Shouto's?

You can imagine...

But yeah. Dad Dabi. It's on my mind all the time, rent free.

[sabraeal]

Consider: Obi is green-red color blind

A Color by Any Other Name

Written for @aeroplaneblues for a surprise birthday gift! Many months ago she mentioned wanted to see a colorblind Obi, and I said, WELL WHAT A GOOD EXCUSE TO WRITE THIS PROMPT JOANNA GAVE ME. I hope your birthday is a good one, filled with a lot more nice surprises!

“Are you ever going to introduce me to your guard friends?” Suzu asks around a mouthful of dumpling. “Or are you embarrassed?”

To say Obi is unprepared, would be an understatement; there’s a pork bun lodged between his teeth, his gloves not only coated in pig grease but also far less effective against steam than he’d thought they’d be back when he’d just grabbed a plump little blob off the stall. He’d laughed off Suzu’s concerns about protective equipment; after all, if smiths use leather gloves, they’ve got to be just as good as an oven mitt.

They aren’t. Not to mention the roof of his mouth starting to have a real good think about peeling off and having a vacation. Maybe even with someone who doesn’t eat entire dumplings straight from the basket.

“Wha?” he manages eloquently, nearly drooling spicy meat drippings onto the street.

“I know I’m not cool like they are,” Suzu continues, warming to his new thesis. If his sudden flush of confidence is any measure, he’s spent more of time composing his arguments for this than Obi’s ever seen him work on his actual defense. “And I’m no good with a sword. Or fists. Or really any implement that isn’t a scalpel, and any opponent that isn’t already anesthetized. But I am very smart.”

There’s a thoughtful pause before Suzu adds, “Some people do enjoy that, you know.”

What Obi knows is that this kid tried this conversation on for size in front of Yuzuri, and she didn’t even bother to warn him as a courtesy. See if he buys her any more meat-on-sticks when she’s ‘left her purse in the lab’ now.

“That’s not--” he takes a hurried minute to swallow-- “not what’s happening. I didn’t...”

Even know you knew I didn’t work for the pharmacy. His teeth clamp shut around that winner, and its friend, I didn’t think you lot would want to hang out with a bunch of men without degrees. Not only would that encourage Suzu to make a scene right here, right now, but if it got back to Jirou-- well, if he thought Suzu could turn any day into a disaster, the lieutenant would make that seem like a vacation.

“I didn’t think you wanted to,” he settles on instead. Similar enough in feel, if...creatively edited. “You scholar types tend to flock together.”

“Well, sure,” Suzu murmurs, stymied, “but we’re friends too, aren’t we? If all my friends are your friends, then all your friends should be my friends.”

Only an academic could talk about arithmetic with that amount of confidence, especially the kind that involved transitive properties and letters, and all sorts of things that made Obi’s head spin.

“Well,” he hums, one boot scratching his calf. “You would know.”

Suzu whirls on him, staring down his long fox-snout of a nose. “You mean it? You’ll really...?”

“Sure. If that’s what you want.” He twitches his shoulders, more casual than he feels. “It’s fine if it’s you.”

There’s always been a lazy lilt to Suzu’s eyes, but it disappears now, all the sleepiness gone to surprise. “Me? You wouldn’t want to bring anyone else?”

“Well, definitely not Kazaha.” The glares he’d get bringing that twiggy pedant into the guardhouse might be enough to drop him dead on the spot. “And Yuzuri would be too popular.”

Suzu grimaces. “The number of admirers she’d get from a wink alone...she’d be unlivable.”

He can see it now, her ponytail bobbing with a buoyant glee, giggling through every painstaking penned line from her fan club-- “Think of all the bad poetry.”

“Honestly, that might make it worth it. At least I’ll feel better about not knowing the difference between a quartet and a quatrain.” Suzu takes a thoughtful bite of him bun. “And you couldn’t bring Shirayuki, of course.”

“Right.” Not a one of them could be trusted to keep their lips sealed; she’d hardly have to take a breath and someone would call her Obi’s lady, or ask how they met, or whether she’s still Mistress behind closed doors--

But Suzu wouldn’t know any of that. “Wait, why?”

“Well...” He has the grace to look chagrined about it, whatever it is. “You know. Her hair...?”

“Oh.” Obi shrugs. “Sure, I guess.”

“You guess?” Suzu stares. “Shirayuki has a non-zero amount of stories about being kidnapped for looking like a candied apple, and you guess there might be a fuss about bringing her ‘round to the guardhouse?”

“Well, none of you acted weird about it,” he snips, hiding his annoyance behind a bite of dumpling. “There’s no reason they will.”

“Of course no one at Lilias acted weird, Obi!” he squawks, arms flailing as he talks. “You couldn’t pay them to look at anything but their own project. But when a bunch of normal men with eyes and, uh, other working appendages see a cute girl with red hair and a soft voice, they’re gonna go crazy!”

His palm hooks around his shoulder, thumb digging into the hard knot at his collarbone. “Aw, come on. It’s not that special.”

“Not that--?” Suzu whips around, eyes round as dumplings. “Obi, she’s the only person I’ve ever seen with red hair.”

“You don’t get out much,” Obi deadpans. “No offense.”

“That’s not--” Suzu grunts, throwing up his hands-- “She’s the only person anyone’s ever seen with red hair!”

“Her dad’s is kind of red.” That observation wins him an unimpressed look, one that says you’re missing the point. “And Yuzuri had blue hair when I met her. That’s way more interesting--”

“It was dyed!” Suzu wobbles over to a wall, sitting with his head in his hands. “Shirayuki has a hair color so rare that the birth records in Clarines haven’t noted it in more than fifty years! And you think Yuzuri dying her hair with woad is more impressive.”

“Well, even her natural color is brighter than Miss’s. Not--” he waves a hand between them, quelling-- “that Miss’s hair isn’t nice enough. But I’d think that people would pay more attention to that.”

“...Brighter?” Suzu murmurs after a long moment, stilted. “Obi, could you tell me what color that sign is, right over there?”

“The one for the tea shop?” He wrinkles his nose. “Why--?”

“Just...indulge me for a moment.”

“All right.” He squints up at the moon cresting over a wolf’s head. “Blue.”

“Right, and, um, that coat over there.”

“Yellow.”

“Right.” Suzu’s voice is tight, stressed. “And what I’m wearing?”

Obi squints. This one’s a little harder, but he’s confident when he says, “Green.”

“Ah, right.” Suzu stands, a unsteady on his feet. “That would explain that, then.”

Obi blinks. “Explain what?”

“Obi,” Suzu begins, with all the gravitas of both a grim prognosis and a terrible joke. “You can’t see colors.”

*

It’s not the first time Obi’s played hound to his prey’s fox, but there’s something distinctly unsettling about it being Suzu that leaves him lagging behind, unsure of himself. Especially with the way he scurries through the concourse, bounding toward the mess hall with this idea caught between his teeth like chicken feathers.

“I can see colors just fine,” Obi informs him with far less confidence than he’d like. “Some of them are just hard to tell apart. Weren’t you and Yuzuri arguing yesterday about whether salmon is orange or pink?”

Suzu waves a hand at him, dismissive. “That’s different. Salmon’s both orange and pink, and what color it looks most like has to do with the composition of your eye-- and it’s pink by the way, with orange undertones--”

Between the two of them, Obi knows who he’d trust to know their colors. “Uh-huh.”

“You can’t make out red and green, which is different entirely, and--” the doors to the mess burst open beneath his hands, a noise lost in the din of a hundred scholars trying to share the same table-- “YOU GUYS WON’T BELIEVE WHAT I JUST FOUND.”

The whole of Shidan’s lab-- minus the man himself-- have taken up right by the door, bags and coats piled to save them their places on the bench. Suzu makes short work of the pile on his seat, haphazardly shoving them to the floor as he sits.

Kazaha peers at him and ventures mildly, “A new way to avoid finishing your thesis?”

“No,” Suzu hums between his grit teeth, “but I have found out--”

“I don’t think we need to do this,” Obi murmurs, handing Miss her muffler. “It’s not--”

“Obi,” he intones with far more gravitas than his name has ever strictly deserved, “can’t see colors.”

“Not at all?” Kazaha turns those sharp eyes to him, like he’s a specimen under glass. “Just black and white?”

“I can see just fine,” Obi huffs, tossing Yuzuri her coat before he slides onto the bench, knee knocking into Miss’s in a way that puts his heart through its paces. “Suzu is just making a mountain out of a molehill.”

“Is that so?” he hums with a grin. “Then what color is Shirayuki’s hair?”

He stifles a sigh. It’s best to put all this to bed now, before he’s stuck playing what’s this color for the next two years. “Red.”

“What’s the point of this?” Yuzuri yawns, already bored. Obi shoots her a grateful look, glad that at least one of them isn’t going to play Suzu’s game.

It’s too bad he’s already puffed up with unearned confidence, like an evolutionist at a botany lecture. “And what’s the color of Ryuu’s cloak?”

He knows it by heart-- how could he not, when the two most important people in this city wear matching ones-- but still Obi glances up, anticipating a trick. Ryuu stares back, confused and guileless. “Blue.”

“Great, good.” Suzu’s grin stretches from ear to ear. “Now what color is your scarf?”

Obi’s fingers knot in the fabric, the weft tickling the pads of his fingers. “Well, it’s...sort of reddish, isn’t it?”

This is the wrong answer.

“It makes so much sense,” Yuzuri murmurs in wonder. “You really don’t know how ugly Suzu’s outfits are. That’s why you still hang out with him.”

“Hey!” Suzu pouts. “That’s not very nice.”

“No, that has nothing to do with color, it’s the cut.” Anxiety spikes through him. “But wait, it is red isn’t it? My scarf?”

“No,” Miss murmurs at his side, cheeks flushes. “Obi, it’s...it’s green.”

He stares down at it, trying to imagine what that might look like. “Green.”

“It looks very nice on you!” Her small fingers wrapping in the fur at his elbow. “It’s your color, really.”

“Oh, sure,” he murmurs, faint. “I guess it matches my eyes.”

“Hey, what do you mean ‘it has nothing to do with the color?’“ Suzu’s hands fly to his hips, brows drawn tight over the long line of his nose. “My clothes are just fine.”

“They aren’t.” Obi leans in next to him, grin feeling thinner than it should. “But I hang out with you anyway, which means you know we’re really friends.”

Kazaha rubs at his chin, where his ode to Shidan’s goatee is failing to thrive. “You know what this also explains?”

Obi blinks. “What?”

“All the black.”

It’s not Kazaha that says it, oh no. That would be too merciful for a mortifying moment out of his life. Instead it’s low and feminine, and when Miss Kiki leans out from the other side of Miss, it’s like a siren emerging from the depths, teeth bared to tear a man to shreds. “What an interesting thing I’ve learned today.”

“Miss Kiki! How--?” He gulps. “Why--?”

“I came to deliver a message from Wirant,” she drawls, too pleased. “And it seems I’ve earned myself a fine tip.”

“No,” he breathes. “You can’t-- you’re not going to tell Master, are you? Or Sir?”

“Oh,” she hums, looking particularly hungry for manflesh. “I certainly will.”

*

“Oh, there there.” Miss pats his back, the sensation lost among the dozen layers of clothing between them. “I’m sure Kiki won’t tell them, not until you’re ready! You asked her not to.”

“I think that just means,” Obi mutters, voice muffled by his arms and the wall he’s throwing himself over, “that she’ll just enjoy telling them more.”

“Ah...” He doesn’t need to see her to know her grimace. “Yes, that’s...probably right.”

He lets out a heavy, dramatic sigh. It helps a little. So does a bit of flailing.

“They won’t make a big deal out of it,” Miss says, changing tack. “It hardly changes anything! I’m sure they’ll just forget as soon as she tells them.”

He peeps one eye over his elbow. “That’s easy for you to say, you haven’t spent the last half an hour playing What’s That Color.”

“Well,” she wheedles, “they are scholars.”

Obi groans, loud and long, which doesn’t help; but it echoes out over the rooftops, returning back to him, which does.

“How...?”

Miss hesitates, a gloved finger pressed to her lips. He sighs, already braced for the onslaught-- how didn’t you know? how did you go so long without knowing your colors? how do you find people if you can’t even tell what hair color they have--?

“How did you notice?”

Obi lifts his head, unblinking. “What?”

“How did you notice?” Miss repeats, more firmly this time. “You’ve spent your whole life this way, haven’t you? It must have taken something really special to realize there was more than what you see.”

“Uh.” It’s nice that it’s darker here, that it’s cold. He has perfect legitimate reasons to be flushed. “Well, it was Suzu really. He mentioned that--” his teeth clamp down around his words, not letting them out without a hasty edit-- “that people think your hair’s pretty special, and I said I didn’t get why...”

Miss stiffens beside him, a statue that breathes, and he hastily adds, “Not that you aren’t special, Miss. It’s just, the red...”

“Right.” The words comes out stilted, strange. “You can’t see it. You actually...haven’t ever seen it.”

A silence settles on them like a wool blanket; not one of those nice ones at the castle, or the fleecy ones Miss stockpiles like one day the North might run out of sheep, but the itchy, coarse-woven ones of his childhood. Uncomfortable and smelling faintly of animal.

“So,” he coughs, fixing his gaze out over the city. “What did Kiki want?”

“Oh...�� Miss shifts, mouth pulling into a guilty grimace. “She came to tell me that the Queen Dowager has invited me to dinner. Tomorrow night.”

His brows raise. “Well, well.”

“Don’t,” she murmurs, head giving the barest shake. “It’s not like that.”

“Are you sure?” He shouldn’t press, but if he doesn’t, no one else will. “After you told Master--”

“I told him a list of reasons why I thought I would be a better ally as a friend, and not as a...” Miss loses steam, letting her words sigh into the air. “I’d like to believe this has to do with my work with Phostyrias.”

He watches her, careful. “But do you?”

“I don’t know,” she says, which is as good as any no.

*

Obi’s barely stepped into the Protector’s solar when Master asks, “What color is my jacket?”

His head swivels, delivering a glare so flat carpets would be jealous. Miss Kiki only hums, shoulder lifting in a disinterested shrug. “I said I was going to tell them.”

Fair enough.

“It’s blue,” he deadpans, flopping onto the cushiest divan. He’s too long for it, his boots spilling off one arm a idling over the floor. “Apparently I can see that one just fine.”

According to Miss, at least; she’d unearthed a slip of a book from the university’s library, outlining the limits of his sight. Little Ryuu had pored over it for a day before showing up at his door, flushed faced and nervous.

Garrack always told me I had nice eyes, he’d admitted, lingering at the threshold. I was hoping you could see them.

Cross as he is about the whole thing, Obi can’t regret that. He might not have Miss’s hair, or Suzu’s coat-- thankfully-- but Ryuu’s eyes would always look true to him.

“But not red.” Master’s mouth twitches, far too entertained. “Or green.”

“I do see them,” he protests. “They just...don’t look very different to me.”

Just another shade of yellow and brown, if those books are right. Which they are, since he’d always thought so. Subtly different, like the way Suzu and Yuzuri fought over salmon, or Master and Miss Kiki would dither over chartreuse. Just enough that he’d been able to eke by on keeping his mouth shut and a fondness for black.

Still, there’s nothing worse than finding out something new about yourself this late in the game. Especially when--

“What about the curtains?” Master inquires. “Can you see those?”

--Especially when it’s so endlessly entertaining to everyone else. “I can see them,” he grumbles, sinking further into the cushions. “Just because I can’t see some colors doesn’t mean I’m blind.”

“Then what about the note?”

Obi rolls his gaze to where Sir perches at his desk. “Huh?”

“To our red-haired guest.” Sir coughs, a flush working its way up his neck. “It’s just-- you wrote that.”

“Oh, His Grace told me that one.” A lifetime ago, it seemed. “‘The red-haired girl, you’ll know her when you see her, I’m sure.’“

Master winces. Obi can admit his talent doesn’t lie with impressions, especially ones of dour old men.

“Right,” Sir presses, voice oddly tight. “But you don’t see-- I mean, how could you find a girl that looks just like everyone else?”

“Ah...” He grimaces, scrubbing at the top of his head. “Well, I just looked for the girl who didn’t belong. It--” he hesitates, suddenly aware of Master’s eyes on him-- “didn’t take very long.”

Master’s frown belongs above one of those prie-dieu, to remind penitents that forgiveness isn’t absolute. “What is that supposed to--?”

“So what does she look like?” No one could say that after a decade of dedication, Miss Kiki doesn’t know how to do her job; she deflects Master’s brewing sour mood with the ease of a professional. “What does her hair look like to you?”

“Uh.” He clears his throat, tugging at his collar. “I wasn’t lying when I said I bought my scarf to match...”

There is a stillness to the room that is too much, too pitiful. Much as he hated it, Obi would much rather be a joke than a charity case.

“Huh,” Sir grunts, gaze still fixed to his neck. “Now I wonder what we all look like to you.”

“Well, I sort of wonder what you all look like to yourselves.” Obi let a sigh float wistfully through his lips. “At least I know that me and Miss still have the same eyes.”

There’s silence again, but this one buzzes, filled with words no one dares to say.

“What?” he laughs, nervous, pulling himself upright. “Don’t we?”

Sir grimaces. “Ah, Obi...”

*

Miss is quiet when they walk the walls home that night, the winter stillness making the silence and heavy as any drift. Her mouth is pursed, not with anything like anger, but something closer to consideration. As if there’s words back there she’s sorting through, trying to compose a thought that just won’t come.

Well, she should know: she won’t get anywhere if she doesn’t air a few of them out to look at. “Something wrong, Miss?”

She blinks, shaken out from wherever she gone away. Her mind palace, maybe. Suzu’d told him about those once, with busts and painting and curtained alcoves. What she’d do with a place like that, he couldn’t imagine, but if anyone asked, he’d put his money on hers having apothecary drawers instead, and gardens too. The kind with half crumbled walls, ivies curled around every stone. Cluttered desks piled high with books, and one of them with curtain drawn to let its owner nap the afternoon away.

“Oh,” she breathes, finally. “No, no. Nothing’s, um, wrong. I was just...thinking.”

He lifts a knowing brow. “So something is wrong.”

“That’s not what I said,” she informs him, primly. “I was going over my meeting with Haruto, and...”

Her lips snap shut around the words, distress narrowing her eyes. “And...?”

“She didn’t know about my work,” Miss huffs, arms wrapping tight around her chest. “Or, she did, but only what Zen had told her. Which...”

Was far less than the whole of it. He’d heard that part of her argument that night, try as he might not to. “So she invited you as Zen’s ally?”

“No.” The word is colder than any he’s ever heard fall from her lips. “That I wouldn’t mind-- I’m still trying to be his ally, after all, and if she saw me as an asset...” She shook her head. “No, she wanted to meet his...paramour, even if she didn’t say as much.”

Obi grimaces.

“And even that wouldn’t be so bad if...” Miss took a deep, steeling breath. “When I came in, after all the curtsies and pleasantries, she said, your hair is just as red as he said it was.” Her knuckles are white where they wrap around her elbows. “All those years, all those letters, and the only thing he thinks to tell his mother is that my hair...”

The rest is lost in a sigh, a cloud of mist swirling off the wall.

“It must really be something,” Obi deadpans, gaze following it off the edge. “Since it makes all these people forget how smart you are.”

She’s watching him; he can feel it as she sidles up to where he stands, hands unclenching from her arms and splaying on the crenellations instead. “Obi, you really can’t...?”

Miss hesitates, falls silent. He lets her; she’s put enough words in the air to sort through, and now all she needs is time. Obi’s happy to give it to her.

Especially since there’s a rabbit down there in the dark. A small one, moving slow, hind legs churning like clockwork winding up. It’s nose digs into the snow, snuffling around, searching--

“Can you really see better?” Miss asks, startling him back to the wall. “In the dark, I mean. That book said you could.”

“Well, after the past couple days, I’m a little shaky on what’s normal.” He jerks his chin over the edge. “Can you see the rabbit down there? Right by that sapling?”

She blinks, pressing in close. “The what? It’s just...dark out there.”

“Well,” he says, grin tight on his lips. “There’s your answer.”

Miss settles back on her heels, one hand already cupping her chin. “It makes sense. Without the distraction of color, your movement tracking must be much more acute...”

Obi only half-manages to stifle a laugh. “Seems like it definitely distracts everyone else.”

Miss goes quiet; almost too quiet, enough to make his teeth sit on edge. The seconds tick by, and Obi might play at patience, but it’s not in his nature. He glances down, just from the corners of his eyes, but Miss is already watching him, eyes strangely shuttered.

“Obi,” she says, so clear his name rings in his ears. “You don’t...? My hair, it’s not...” Her mouth works, quiet, before she manages, “It’s not anything to you?”

Anything special, she means. Because that’s what he said so stupidly last night, nothing special.

She’d tied it up tonight, finagling the strange looping knots that were partial to the queen’s court, but already some of it’s worn loose, slipping from its pins. “It is,” he murmurs. “I like it.”

She huffs, unimpressed. “But you can’t see it, not really.”

“Of course I can see it,” he laughs, weary. “Maybe not the color, but that’s fine. I like it because it’s yours.”

She ducks her head, and Obi might not be good at colors, but he can see her cheeks flush in the lamplight.

“Miss.” Her gaze lifts to his, no longer shuttered, just full. “Can I ask you something?”

Her breath catches. “Anything.”

“Be straight with me,” he pleads. “We do have the same eye color right?”

*

“Obi!” Miss‘s laughter bubbles bright with betrayal as she hops down the stairs after him. “Obi, please--”

“Let me grieve, Miss,” he grumbles, hands shoved in his pockets. “I’ve been a real champ about the rest, but let me have this.”

“Obi!” She catches him round the wrist, mouth twitching as she turns to him. “Is it really so bad that they’re gold?”

“No,” he mutters sullenly, shoulders slumped enough that with two stairs between them, they’re nearly the same height. “It’s just...”

Her eyes flutter wide with curiosity. “Just...?”

“It’s fine enough that they’re unique.” He spits the word with more venom than it deserves. “I just I wanted this one thing in common.”

“In common?” Miss blinks. “You mean, me and...?”

Obi would lay down his life for his mistress, but even she can’t ask him to do this, to lay down his pride for her to walk on.

“Oh!” She flusters, limbs fluttering in the air between them. He’s half-tempted to turn away again, but she grabs his face and holds him steady, her cold, slender fingers caught behind his jaw. “Just-- just one moment...”

“Miss?” he wheezes. This is entirely too close, too much--

“Yes!” He breath flutters over his lips, her own parting in a celebration of teeth. “That’s it. I see it. There’s a little, right there.”

He blinks. “A little what, Miss?”

Her teeth flash around the word, “Green.”

It’s cruel to throw a starving dog a bone, but he snaps it up anyway, heart nearly clogging up his throat with hope. “D’you mean it? You’re not just saying that to make me feel better.”

“Really,” she promises, her nod serious and officious as any she might give Little Ryuu. “There’s a thread, right around the middle. Green. Just like mine.”

“Oh.” His own hands raise, leather muting the feel of her skin, but-- Master always told him about the red thread that bound him and Miss together, that drew them toward their fated meeting, but this-- Obi will take this too. “Thank you, Miss.”

She smiles, eyes shining bright in the lamplight. “No, Obi, it’s my pleasure.”

Not much different between green and red to him, anyway.

[romanianwilkinson]

MONSTER CAMP QUOTES STARTERS

A collection of sentence starters from the game Monster Camp. Feel free to change words and pronouns as desired. CONTENT WARNING(S) FOR: Monster Prom/Monster Camp spoilers, suggestive, cursing, crude content

“ I just have it here because [NAME] insisted that I offer it, as a marketing stunt. ”

“ And lastly, super-horny-type players no longer get a charm buff against tsundere types! ”

“ War machines don’t turn me on or anything! ”

“ I don’t wanna be weird, but do you mind if I climb inside of you and play around with your main turret? ”

“ A wine to DIE for, you say? Well, darling, don’t threaten me with a good time! ”

“ This one just says ‘ hmu with that reaper dick, daddy ’. ”

“ You on your phone, as always! Probably making blogposts on your Tik Tok page. ”

“ Yeah, you really don’t want to witness a repeat of the last time [NAME]’s diehard fans went without a selfie for fifteen minutes. My tailbone still hasn’t completely healed. ”

“ Now hold still, this will only hurt for a moment --- ”

“ Yay! You found a shenanigan! ”

“ My poems all have two or three emotions in them, AT LEAST. ”

“ CRYING IS OBVIOUSLY A COMPETITION TO SEE WHO CAN SQUEEZE THE MOST WATER OUT OF THEIR EYES! ”

“ No way, really? The way to WIN at poetry is by LOSING at life? ”

“ I dunno, maybe fall in love with someone who’s married and develop an opioid addiction? ”

“ HELL YEAH, SPEEDRUN! ”

“ It’s morbid, but... kind of romantic? ”

“ GASP! Google+? Are you kidding me? The psychopaths behind that global tragedy are here?! ”

“ Prison has changed me, [NAME]. Would you like to trade me some cigarettes in exchange for my fundamental dignity? ”

“ Undermining the laws of reality, subverting life and death, that’s the kind of stuff my followers expect. But CHEATING? No way. ”

“ Though we are imprisoned in chalk jail, we are free in our hearts. But our hearts are also imprisoned in chalk jail. ”

“ Um, no, I am NOT groveling. I am posing a dignified query to [NAME] that just so happens to be performed on my hands and knees. ”

“ I didn’t know you condoned playing the friend card to get free labor, [NAME]. ”

“ Ah, but saving the world doesn’t put avocado toast on the table. We indie seancers and necromancers need to pay our rent too, you know. ”

“ And as you know, I am illustriously Internet-famous, so if you could shower me with adoration and give me the pizza that would be fabulous. ”

“ Do you wanna fuck the pizza or not? ”

“ Are you ready to go swimming? I must admit, darling, I’ve always wondered what you would look like while... wet.”

“ Did you turn this date into an orgy without consulting me? ”

“ Gosh, I love it when you insult me! Please do it more! ”

“ Now who wants to make a baby? ”

“ What if she puts a curse on me that makes me magically forget the location of the clitoris?! ”

“ Hey, don’t knock wacky decisions that endanger us all! That’s how I always manage to stay a step ahead of my nemeses! ”

“ Oh gods, I’ve killed so many monsters, just for being monsters. This is making me question my entire moral foundation. I NEED MORE THERAPY. ”

“ I’ve said it once, and I’ll say it again: fish give better pedicures than people! ”

“ You’re not tricking me into parenting a stupid egg. I’ve never fucked even ONE chicken! The egg is not my son! ”

“ You came to visit me at camp, Daddy! ”

“ Don’t be ridiculous, I know your brand of horny, [NAME], and this ain’t it. ”

“ I thought we both agreed to be nothing but vague and haughtily aloof about our past dalliances. ”

“ Point EAST, compass! EAAAAAAAAST! You dumb fuckboot!!!! POINT! EAST! ”

“ One time I was told a soul’s worst fear was bugs and I inadvertantly sent The Beatles. It happens to the best of us... And the worst of us. ”

“ SOMEDAY I SHALL DEFEAT YOUR FIVE STRANGE FEET! ”

“ Why do you keep suppressing your monster half? Embrace your true nature! ”

“ Wow. I didn't think this was possible, but I guess I was... wrong? About social media? Oh dear God, is this how grandparents feel?!?! Am I a GRANDPARENT?! ”

“ I don’t know! I was relying on my friends to cover up my bold and idiotic statement! ”

“ ... I ate the oars. ”

“ PSYCHE. The ocean can eat my ass. ”

“ So pucker up, [NAME]! I'm about to declare mouth war on your FACE! ”

“ YOU FOOLISHLY FOOLISH FOOL! You're showing our inexperience! YOUR HONOR, THE ENTIRE LEGAL TEAM PLEADS THE FIFTH! ”

“ That's right. I'm talking about a classic Transylvania Hot Tub, a Seth Brundle, and a REVERSE Reverse Romanian Wilkinson. ”

“ Sorry, I was in your ribcage seeing if I could use it to cut strips of crepe paper into confetti and then I got lost in your kidneys. ”

“ There's nothing sexier than a doomed romance between a dating sim player and a hot fictional character. ”

“ That's right! I secretly replaced one of you with a bear while no one was looking, to teach you a valuable lesson about the art of disguise! ”

“ Enchant my armor. I’m going into the lake. ”

“ For VIOLENCE REASONS! ” 

“ This stupid lake monster called me short the other day, but I was too low level to crush him like he deserved. ”

“ That dumb wet dinkhole won't know what hit him! But it will be me! I will hit him! ”

“ No, YOU'RE a fuckshark! Also, what does that even mean?! ”

“ You seriously didn't notice the enormous needles those interns jabbed into your veins as soon as [NAME] got here? “

“ It all makes sense! The Camp Dome is just an elaborate ploy to distract us from the giant mouth that eats campers! “

“ This is the BEST show I've ever seen in my life, which is now at an end! “

“ Am I high, or did he just tell us EXACTLY how to foil his evil scheme? “

“ What, like a few severed heads and visions of my grandpa screaming in horrendous pain are gonna freak me out? Where I'm from, you can buy that stuff at IKEA. “

“ ERROR: Due to the sixth mass extinction, the slaying of leprechauns is inadvisable. “

“ Then why do I have half-finished scarves, decoupage, pot-holders, friendship bracelets, and a taxidermied rabbit in my skeleton? “

“ The wang elemental. ”

“ I also have an uncle who works at Nintendo as a copy machine! “

“ What flavor of ice cream AM I?! Now I gotta know. HA! You know what I should be? 'Pistachio.' Because my outside is HARD, but I'm full of NUT. “

“ I mean, life is a bit like... this sandwich! No, stay with me, I'm going somewhere good with this. “

“ A survival situation without any sexy fun time isn't worth surviving in the first place. “

“ Rut the RUCK?! ”

“ The ' ambulance of the heart ' is just a regular ambulance! Ambulances treat all organs! ”

“ Yeah, that's why I made sure that my so-called ' emotional armor ' was also ' actual armor '. “

“ And being yourself is the key to living your dreams, which is the key to self actualization, which is the key to being really good at sex! “

“ So hot I'd buy that even without free shipping. 10/10, call me some time. “

“ Hi, quick question: does it count as kidnapping if I'm abducting you so you can help me do a thing you already agreed to help with? “

“ I could be wrong, but are you just upset because you DON'T have a skeleton that's inside your body? “

“ I'm gonna get SO FUCKING RELAXED MY HEAD WILL EXPLODE! “

“ Whoah, whoa, hold up. You're fucking my grandma? “

“ No, [NAME], that is a popcorn bag full of more dynamite. Put it down. “

“ I hear that at least 70% of people on Patreon aren't murderers! “

“ If you want cash, just rob banks like the rest of us! “

“ Did it work? Do you feel any less horny? ”

“ FUCK YEAH, LET'S PUNCH THAT MOUTH IN ITS MOUTH! “

“ Yes... incidentally, we are no longer allowed to enter Italy. “

“ Is anyone else turned on right now? ”

“ Yes! Yes! I know what you're feeling! I suddenly see how marrying a corpse isn't okay! “

“ JUST LET ME IMPROVE YOUR SELF ESTEEM, MORTAL! “

“ Look, choose whatever you want, but I'm not responsible for whatever you put in your mouth. ”