#its not badly drawn it just doesnt look like him but i spent way too long trying to make it look like him that i went WHATEVERR

[wiretism]

For the expression meme! d5 as Nureyev or e5 as Juno?

did both except i do NOT like that juno.

[vaguelygeiszlerian]

i was trying to be normal but now i’m here to make my feelings on nandor’s crisis of self everyone else’s problem

this is going to be incredibly unstructured and biased but i have feelings which are going under the cut

hello friends foes and people that know better!

im here to talk about nandor the relentless

so ok todays episode really did things to me that only pacific rim uprising has in that i am still crying about it over an hour later and now i need to talk about nandor’s crisis of self, namely his rejection of self 

we see the house, in this episode, celebrating not nandor’s birthday, but his rise to power in a country long since dissolved and buried in sand, a party that they have apparently been holding every year that guillermo has been in the house! nandor is discontented with the whole celebration, continuing this season’s arc of his existentialism, trying to understand what it’s like to be a vampire, to be lonely, to be someone once powerful and now small, co-leader of a council that only covers, what, just staten island?

and he’s drawn in by this promise of being human again, of being able to eat and drink and see the sun again, because hes so desperate to reject this part of himself that he must see as inherently cursed! when he was turned, his wives all rejected him and his kingdom drove him out, hes spent centuries looking for belonging, and always being barred at every turn but for this one house of perverts who he’s grown to resent for treating him like the big useless turkey of the house, only good for being strong (and now not even that, with guillermo in the house as their bodyguard rather than familiar)! he turned gail, only for her to immediately leave, after asking him to wait FOREVER for her! vampirism really hasnt been anything but a curse for him for as long as we’ve been following him, so it makes sense that he would be drawn in!

and he changes literally everything about himself to do it! cuts his hair, changes his clothes, pulls out his fangs every single day, they CLEARLY arent drinking blood to avoid being vampires so hes weakening himself too! and it makes him happy, because its something new, somewhere that he belongs to without being relied upon to be strong or smart or anything but human, which i dont think hes ever had? he falls for jan, because he wants so badly for her to be right, for this to be his chance to be human again, even when we’ve been given absolutely no sign that it does anything! (and we do see that it didnt do a damn thing at the end too!)

guillermo coming and rescuing him was, to him, a kidnapping and an assault on these people that, for months, had been his family, people that loved him without expectation (guillermo wanting to be turned) or reservation (the household all kind of hating one another in their own ways) and so no wonder hes miserable when guillermo tells him hes taking him home! hes convinced himself the only way he can ever be loved is to tear parts of himself out every single day to make himself lovable by anyone! no matter what he feels for guillermo, and he DOES feel things for him, he’s shown too many times this season and this EPISODE that he feels things, all he sees is this thing guillermo wants from him, to be immortal, to lose all these things that nandor is trying so hard to find, not realising that what guillermo really wants is him!!

and now he’s trapped in the same cage he locked guillermo in, begging them not to leave him alone in the dark because they want him to go back to being himself when he doesnt even know what they see in him besides these things he’s been ripping out every single day for a month, and i just know that guillermo’s gonna falter, because he loves him and wants what will make him happy, no matter how miserable he himself is, and he’ll let him go and nandor is gonna go to this place he thought was home only to find charred bodies, no jan, and the truth that ripping parts of himself out didnt make them love him, that the people that have been showing their love in the only ways they know how are the people he just left behind

these are literally just the feelings i have on nandors crisis i could go on so much longer about the scene where he leaves guillermo but im not going to because im being so normal about this again and not crying for the eighth time in an hour about nandors need to be loved

[bladekindeyewear]

HS^2 bloggin’ upd8 2020-01-17

Alright, morningblogging yesterday’s 2020-01-17 upd8 to Homestuck^2 let’s go!  Spoiler-free again.  I kinda don’t want even the next chapter names image-spoiled above the cut anymore so I’m going to have to figure out WHAT to put above the cut in these liveblog posts for visual reinforcement... a unique silly icon?  Going back once I’m done with the upd8 and posting something non-spoilery but weird-looking out of context?

Eh, can’t be assed.  Just know that after this I’m going to pony up for the Patreon commentary and skim it for anything plot-useful to y’all (in a separate post).  Let’s get started.

Okay, what’s next:  Any bonuses?  Oh, none!  Phew.  Unless those are coming faster too and just staggered differently, which would mean I gotta overcome my irrational pre-Homestuck-reading anxiety even MORE often.  :T

No Homestuck you don’t GET to ask how my-- ah, right.  :P

(FYI, HS^2 has been good to my emotions so far, quite a balm for the epilogues, so once I START reading I’m usually fine; but after being hurt so badly how could I possibly convince my lizard brain to trust it until it’s right in front of me?  Seriously, just hearing that the upd8 has landed messes me up a bit until I come fix it by reading w/ y’all here.)

Okay, so whose feelings?  As much as I’ve been waiting for Jade, I hope this isn’t about Jade.

> ==>

Ah fuck, we’re finally with the Pursuit Crew.  Bracing myself.  That means we get to see probably sleeping Jade ( :C ), full-swing DaveKat (approving nod), the first canon onscreen look at masculine-mode Roxy (<3), a probably pretty pissed off Kanaya (possibly either the feelings target, the one Saying How Are Your Feelings, or both), and uh... did they drag Callie along?  Or leave her back there with her meta freakout?  Probably left her back there, but... hm.

Let me turn up the brightness on this screen to sear these next pages into my retinas.  (Also, it feels odd to still be using a four-person “==>” for these, although if Jade is still asleep the numbers might fit on both ends... :c )

> ==>

I don’t think Dad is in the spacefaring business, so this is probably one of Jake’s shittier spaceship designs.

> ==>

...well that’s a touch disturbing.  Is that a Jade-occupied bed or are those just pillows?

Oh what the fresh fanfic’y heck is this command.

> i enter.

Okay that’s great.  I got a kick out of that.

JADE [in calliope red]: the prince’s power grows.

--but that’s not.  That explains the narrative command text, it’s alt!callie talking through a still conked-out Jade.  Please let her wake up between speak-throughs, please tell me you’ve learned that trick??  I already know you’re gonna pull an “oh she was asleep pretty much all of those THREE YEARS OF TRAVEL” thing on me and that’s hard fucking enough to deal with.

KARKAT: JESUS CHRIST!

He’s actually using the full curse correctly, huh?

...These commands.  Guess part of the puzzle is how much alt!Callie is being typically morbid and how much she might actually be wising up enough to get a kick out of this.

> the knight of blood falls.

DAVE: dude can you chill for like even a single fucking second DAVE: also are you ok

Has CallieJade chilled for even a single second this entire trip??  Is he asking just if Karkat’s okay or Jade too???

--yeah I’m overblowing things out of nervousness.  Just wait and see a bit, boots.

Alt!Callie has at least learned to be more of a smartass:

> karkat is characteristically appreciative of the alarm call.

Shirt trade Karkat, nice.  And uh, Jade’s dress sure is a... dress.  Hm.

(Did alt!Callie alchemize adjustments to did she just luck out to have a red-symbol’d Bec belt and accent leggings?  I’d prefer the former, because as much as it would be acceptable within Homestuck proper, using the transition between the epilogues and this new-author’d work to just HAPPEN to give her a fitting outfit without an excuse via providence is kind of lazy.)

KARKAT: OH, PARDON THE FUCK OUT OF ME FOR OVERREACTING A LITTLE WHEN MY GOOD FRIEND "POSSESSED JADE" BUSTS INTO MY RESPITEBLOCK AT 5 AM! KARKAT: NEXT TIME I’LL JUST PULL THE COVERS BACK AND LET HER CLIMB IN! JADE: i am uninterested in that scenario. KARKAT: GREAT! POSSESSED JADE ISN’T EVEN HORNY! HOW FUCKED UP IS THAT?

...please let that mean he’s not used to her being possessed all the time and she wakes up sometimes.  PLEASE.

DAVE: but im pretty sure i locked that door JADE: i unlocked it with my mind. DAVE: fuck KARKAT: FANTASTIC. JADE: the prince’s powers are growing, but so are mine.

Dave, I’m pretty sure regular-ass no-Green-Sun Space powers can flip a few lock tumblers too.  (--though, I guess from context this was a Jakeship technolock.  Confirmation on the ship’s bad taste in design.  --I think I’m foggily remembering it said in the Epilogues that they took one of Jake’s ships just like Dirk did, too... man, being depressed so much by the Epilogues sure took a lot out of my ability to recall them decently.)

KARKAT: LIKE YOU DON’T FLOAT AROUND LIKE A CREEPY PIECE OF SHIT ALL DAY AS IT IS?

God DAMN IT she’s been asleep and possessed the whole fucking time.

> sleep is abandoned, coffee sought.

More obligatory DaveKat being cute, somehow only emphasized by the embarrassing glowing-with-power observer who doesn’t really get any of it.

Ah, here we go:

> the rogue is also awake.

Oh huh.  Cool!

Hero outfit, understated...  her his choice of heart-shades color-coded to stand out from Dave more to avoid further mistaken identity cases.  Works well!  (Holy shit I only JUST remembered at the end to go back and correctly gender Roxy as him, that was close. I blame the epilogues for a lack of visual reinforcement; I shouldn’t have as much trouble soon enough.  Seriously, I don’t remember ANYTHING without visual reinforcement, I think that’s why I remember so much of Homestuck proper so clearly.)

KARKAT: OH SHIT, THERE SHE IS! I DIDN’T EVEN HEAR HER FOLLOW US! ROXY: sometimes a girls just got to get her drift on i guess ROXY: it be like that

ilu roxy.

I missed Roxy so much, you guys.  I need more of him remarking on all this crazy shit if I’m gonna stay sane though all this.  (And I need more of him and AWAKE JADE kicking ass independently or together if I’m going to continue to believe there’s justice in the world.)

> ==>

We rarely saw Rose drinking anything but the rare coffee in canon, but I think Kanaya would have gotten her plenty into tea, yes.  Or at the very least, wanting the aesthetic of drinking tea with Kanaya would have gotten Rose into tea even if it never crossed Kanaya’s mind to try the stuff.

ROXY: well i mean who knows what she drinks now ROXY: dirk probs tossed the coffee machine out the space window right away ROXY: dude doesnt "believe" in "substances" > the prince is contemplated for a moment in silence.

FUCK, Dirk can see the narrative all the way out here???  No wonder alt!Callie’s forced to have possession turned on 24/7.  That’s fucking disappointing.  How the hell are we going to get any proper Jade time with THAT hanging over our heads?  She’d only be able to do anything when Dirk’s knocked out, and maybe not even THEN!

I was virtually promised more of actual non-asleep Jade getting shit done in HS^2.  Now there’s an even longer wait on it than I expected.  This sucks.

(EDIT: BOY did I misread that link line. Thinking “is contemplated” meant is sitting contemplating, when it meant "is being contemplated by everyone here". That was dumb of me.)

*clicks that next link*

Oh my goodness, Roxy joined the Bird Hair Crew.  It makes him look like a fucking asshole but I kind of love it.

KARKAT: IS THERE MILK?

I can’t believe Karkat is okay with drinking milk.  --yes, culturally Trolls are more comfortable with animal excretions than we are, but you would’ve thought years of railing against Equius would have purged any tolerance the idea of milk from his psyche.

I guess Dave introduced him to cereal, and it was all over from there.

DAVE: this is more like a castle DAVE: a castle of idk DAVE: twenty something ennui

Sounds like a relatable mood.  Especially considering Dirk probably decided to conquer reality out of almost nothing but twenty-something ennui.

Alright.  You aren’t going to turn Kanaya into an alcoholic or anything on us are you?

> the knight of time seeks a sylph...

--this is the shittiest shipboard starship aesthetic.

> ...and finds her, momentarily.

WOW that looks fucking depressed.  :(

> ==>

...okay you know what?  Never mind.  That outfit has wrapped straight back around into Trying Too Hard and is now hilarious.

DAVE: you ever feel like our whole lives are eventually gonna end up like this DAVE: just blasting through space on a sweeps long journey to ""somewhere"" chasing after or running from some vague enemy thats sometimes a god modded pet dog and sometimes your dad DAVE: without the faintest fucking idea of whats going to happen when we get there DAVE: thats a little specific but you know what i mean

Why do you think the epilogues upset us so much?  We thought we’d won free of that bullshit.

> ==>

Oh jesus christ that’s the most depressingly sad I’ve ever seen Kanaya drawn.  :C

--Karkat got you to watch Serendipity?  That’s amazing, Dave.

KANAYA: You Arent Reminding Me Of Her As I Rarely Think Of Anything Else KANAYA: I Close My Eyes And I See Her KANAYA: I Keep Them Open And I See Her

Fuck.

Y’know how little showing these two in love and actually HAPPY together we’ve seen in this entire comic and its subworks?  Despite them having spent at least a few happy years together we only saw in tiny screenclips?  And how Candy alluded super hard that they most likely couldn’t get that in this real timeline where shit’s going down?

Seriously, FUCK.  You could at least pretend to give us some hope, here.

Oh no, don’t ask for the nursery story, Dave.  Unless it turns out to be a funny one or a Rose twist on an old story or something.  Which it probably is, I should stop worrying.

> ==>

KANAYA: Oh Its A Wriggler Story About A Young Prince And The Beloved Flower He Loved And Lost DAVE: flower DAVE: like a plant KANAYA: Its A Fairytale Dave DAVE: right KANAYA: A Singular Wild Rose He Failed To Cherish When He Had Her KANAYA: And His Journey Of Discovering What She Meant To Him All Along KANAYA: Culminating In A New Quest To Find Her And Win Her Back

Dirk you PIECE OF SHIT did you rewrite the narrative of the fucking STORIES SHE TOLD CHILDREN?!??  Does the fact that alt!Callie is only in the present mean he can rewrite ANY past event we didn’t literally SEE???  FUCK you.  Seriously fuck all of this.

Please tell me she was kidding just then, or realizes there’s fucking something wrong with what she’s saying and getting angry or.

(EDIT: shoutyourporpoise replied: "Hey, idk If you picked up on this, but the 'nursery story' Rose told to the wigglers is just The Little Prince, which is maybe a BIT early for them to read, but I don't think that's a case of Dirk changing the narrative; its just Rose being Too Adult as usual." Oh, damn, I didn't even CATCH that it was that story. That makes all of this a lot more forgivable, even if pretty unforgivably leaning into the fiction that Dirk used to brainwash and kidnap her. Maybe that's exactly why it worked -- fiction, a story so blazed into the public consciousness? Hm. Thanks, shoutyourporpoise.)

KANAYA: But In A Way I Feel As If It Is the Greater Universe Trying To Tell Me Something

Mother fuck I’m even going to have to see our protagonists warped by Dirk when they’re ostensibly FULLY SHIELDED aren’t I.  There’s only so much of that I would be able to take, you know.

KANAYA: It May Simply Stem From My Longing To See Her Again And How Much Is Indicative Of Something More Sinister KANAYA: She Is A Goddess Of Light And The Only Of Her Kind We Know Is Alive After All KANAYA: Maybe Shes Wrested Dominion Of The Entire Concept In All Its Appearances Within This Frame Of Reference

Hm.  Well, it being a product of Rose’s ascension instead of Dirk’s is possibly a more charitable take, with Ultimate Rose projecting the delusion enforced on her backward, visible to past Rose’s Sight when she isn’t paying attention and thus paving the way for Dirk to paradoxically exploit that “ideal” as something Lighty and Important and “Perfect”.  I still don’t fucking like it though.

> ==>

DAVE: sorry i know you say you got your badass monster powers but kanaya you look tired as hell DAVE: not that im tryna psyche you or whatever but youre waxing poetic in the dark which i guess is maybe on brand but still

Yyyep.

DAVE: unless terezi is lurking in the vents somewhere and now that i bring that up its actually not out of the question so im kind of gonna be thinking about that one for a while

Pffff.

DAVE: youre the only person i know whos still basically the same as when i met you

--Which is kind of going to have to change, right?  She’s got some other cosmic purpose ready to change her a little more than she changed pre-human-troll-meetup, you’d think.

> ==>

Cute as hell.

> ==>

KANAYA: How Are Your Feelings

There’s the title drop.  I’d think Dave’s doing pretty well, considering?  Still fucked over by Dirk betraying and tricking Rose away who he’s been close with all his life, but.

> ==>

DAVE: except sometimes your best friend disappears and your other best friend goes into a ghost coma and your third best friend fucks off to space with your dad DAVE: the dude youve spent the last 7 years convincing yourself isnt an egomaniacal anime villain DAVE: and who isnt actually lying in wait to completely decimate your life and your emotions and shit

Ah... yeah.  A little worse than my casual list, huh?  Forgot that Jade vanishing into a possession-coma for THREE FUCKING YEARS is going to be hard on people inside the comic too, fuck.

DAVE: maybe it was naive to think that a bunch of twenty something trauma victims could run a society

I was honestly surprised they TRIED to run society at all.  Jasp even just highlighted a big reason why not in the bonuses.

DAVE: cool how earth c existed for centuries then we show up and manage to ruin society in seven fucking years

:(

Well, the trolls got THEIR lesson on why they didn’t deserve to rule over their new universe like gods; I guess some of y’all needed that lesson too?

DAVE: every serious conversation i have inevitably falls apart into riffing on a casual acquaintances ass

True.

Dammit, Dave didn’t feel like he could just be Some Guy even on Earth C.  :(

> ==>

...don’t think I’ve forgotten that nursery story, though.  I don’t want to think that it was something that ACTUALLY past happened, especially not without manipulation.  Like maybe past Rose was foreseeing the false purpose that Dirk wrote for her or the like, a cooperative misunderstanding between the two instead of Dirk or Rose literally reaching back in time.

> meanwhile...

KARKAT: WAIT, WHY THE FUCK AM I EVEN ASKING? HE’S OBVIOUSLY NOT FINE. KARKAT: ARE ANY OF US? ARE YOU? ROXY: not rly KARKAT: EXACTLY.

:(

--Oh right.  I remember that Callie and Roxy were going reasonably steady in Meat even though it was only alluded to, she didn’t freak out and stay awol or what have you.  That’s good to remember.  But it means Roxy deliberately left her behind to go on this dangerous quest, for years.  :C

KARKAT: KANAYA BARELY EVEN TALKS, CALLIOPE WON’T LEAVE THEIR CABIN, JADE JUST FLOATS AROUND LIKE A CREEPY BALLOON THAT’S MOSTLY MADE OF HAIR.

Oh, SHIT.  I should have read one line further.  They DID bring her.  Alt!Callie being here too must really FUCK with her.  ...maybe she can actually learn to accept that alternate way her life might’ve played out, though?

KARKAT: THE REALLY FUCKED UP THING IS I MIGHT BE THE MOST OKAY OUT OF ALL OF US, WHICH IS HOW YOU KNOW SHIT HAS REALLY GONE GLOBES UP.

Quite true.

ROXY: ur kinda an intense dude anybody ever tell u that KARKAT: NO.

Pff.

> ==>

KARKAT: AGAINST PRETTY MUCH ALL ODDS, AND DESPITE ME NOT DESERVING ANY OF IT, I ENDED UP GETTING PRETTY MUCH EVERYTHING I WANTED. KARKAT: OVER AND OVER AGAIN. KARKAT: SOMETIMES IT ALMOST FEELS LIKE WHATEVER SLATHERING MONSTROSITY OF A COSMIC HELLBEAST THAT PUT ALL THIS SHIT INTO MOTION...ACTUALLY LIKES ME?

Well, if you want to blame Lord English for instance... we never saw Caliborn and Karkat interact much, but the parallels between the two were drawn so severely that Caliborn was basically the idealized, multiverse-threatening Ultimate Kismesis that he’d always dreamed of.  And operated against him without him even ever quite realizing it.

If a level of “respect” went from Caliborn to Karkat, too, from his Lord-Englishy vision nigh-omnipresent, then this outcome isn’t very surprising at all.

> ==>

(I don’t quite feel I get why Roxy shifted to this exasperated-Dave expression, but I get logically that he’d been waiting for Karkat to make a breakfast choice... Homestuck proper rarely pulled a “last line said corresponds to next-panel’s expression” without either leaving the conversation blank or having the NEXT lines of the conversation reinforce it, to prevent this inelegant misunderstanding.  Andrew was really damned talented in getting his point across visually, in that regard.  Just like, that careful visual intent delivery.)

Alright, I guess that’s it for this short upd8!  Meeting the pursuit crew was both more and less difficult than I expected.  Hopefully I get desensitized a bit as the characters continue to feel semi-almost-sorta-fine.

I have NO idea how this group is gonna work as a proper crew when we get to whatever weird other-players’ session this shit is going down in, though.

[gcllys]

i think i just saw giselle epstein looking down at their phone in the middle of lecture hall . i wonder if they think that will help them get through their animal behavior major . i’m sure professor baker doesn’t mind , though , especially since gilly can be so + ebullient . then again , she can be a little - boisterous , so maybe prof b will mind after all . what do you think is catching their attention all of a sudden ? surely it can’t be more pictures of cotton candy skies . hey , you know , sometimes they really remind me of ALLOWING YOURSELF TO DROWN IN OTHERS FOR THE SENSATION OF BEING WANTED, UNCONTROLLABLE GIGGLES LACED WITH PEACH FLAVORED VODKA, SUN KISSED SKIES MELTING INTO CRAZED OCEANS, MOONLIGHT DANCING IN HAZEL ORBS , but maybe that’s just me . oh well . i hope their second year is treating them well ! 

i’m currently laid out on the beach, so please remember this as you read this ugly formatted introduction asdj !! ’m going to keep this as simple and sweet as i can considering introductions and me are not what some people would call compatible. i’m gi(anna), eighteen, who goes by the she and her pronouns !! i’m absolutely terrible at talking about myself but i’m absolutely excited to be jumping into this group with all of you and your breathtaking muses .. giselle is a combination of a few old muses of mine, and i’m pretty excited to explore her in ways i never got the chance to .. so without farther rambling, if you want to dig deeper into her please keep on reading :

. ◞  ‧  *  𝖎. 𝖘𝖙𝖆𝖙𝖎𝖘𝖙𝖎𝖈𝖘  .    ⁎  ∘  ヽ

full name : giselle ambria epstein 

nickname(s) : gilly, gigi

birthday : november fourth

zodiac : scorpio

moral alignment : chaotic neutral

gender : cisfemale

pronouns : she and her

sexual orientation : heterosexual

romantic orientation : heteroromantic

height : five ft five

language(s) spoken : english, italian, and a decent amount of spanish

. ◞  ‧  *  . 𝖎𝖎. 𝖆𝖊𝖘𝖙𝖍𝖊𝖙𝖎𝖈𝖘  .    ⁎  ∘  ヽ

allowing  yourself  to  drown  in  others  for  the  sensation  of  being  wanted  ,  uncontrollable  giggles  laced  in  peach  flavored  vodka  ,  sun  kissed  skies  melting  into  crazed  oceans,soft melodies singing you to sleep , moonlight dancing in hazel eyes , baby pink acrylic nails tapping softly on hard surfaces , sweet vanilla lingering in the air , fingertips dancing over bare honey dipped skin , pink glossy lips parting into a gentle smile.

. ◞  ‧  *  . 𝖎𝖎𝖎. 𝖕𝖊𝖗𝖘𝖔𝖓𝖆𝖑𝖎𝖙𝖞 .    ⁎  ∘  ヽ

to lurking eyes the brunette tends to catch ditzy vibes and shallow tendencies, her image painting her in an self absorbed , “ you’re even in an sorority, wow shocking ” light. and usually labels such as those, tend to hold some kind of truth. for why would they occur if not? but when it comes to gisella, there’s more that meets the eye. she is ebullient in human, is devoured by an ocean of light heartedness and good intentions . she happens to be an energy that you can not help but want to lose yourself in ? her boisterous chatter in the sea of cheerleaders is an melody to your ears and when the sun disappears her giggles laced with peach vodka lingers in the air , the sound itself intoxicating. she herself is intoxicating .. whether it’s her light in your lungs or her darkness around your throat : the sensation is enchanting. she strives to be good, to be kind, to be caring .. but, she is at that grown age where she’s learning that she will not always be kind nor understanding nor selfless and thats okay. she so badly wants to live the life she was granted, that she tends to push worries and fear aside and do things that make her blood rush . she enjoys the memories that drunk nights give her, charmed by the loud house party music, is in love with living a little recklessly .. she’s show me how fast this car can go and i bet you wont jump kind of soul. she is compassionate, she is someone who will throw herself in crazed oceans to save you , but she also believes in loving herself and being kind to herself . and so, she tries not to drown for everyone . she is fiercely loyal, and loves being with people ? attaches herself on to others almost as if she doesnt make an impact on other lives she’ll slowly fade away. passionate, she feels the world around her on a level that most do not understand . but it tends to make her scattered ? she can ride the highs but sometimes she has to ride the lows too. she is a lover, will give you her all .. will always put the effort and time in. it makes her affectionate, she likes small touches .. hugs and hand holding . not just romantically but platonically too. she is not completely soft though, and kindness is not a weakness . she’s her mothers daughter, and with that comes a sense of stubborn , jealousness , finickiness , and carelessness . she can be hard to understand , hard to please .. she can be hurtful, even selfish sometimes . no matter how hard she tries to push it out.

. ◞  ‧  *  . 𝖎𝖛. 𝖍𝖊𝖆𝖉𝖈𝖆𝖓𝖓𝖔𝖓𝖘 .    ⁎  ∘  ヽ

she comes from a family of six, including her biological father, step mother who has always felt more like her biological mother than anything, her sibling from both of her biological parents, and her two half siblings.

the relationship she carries with each of them are insanely special, and go beyond the cliches of resentment.

she considers her step mother to be her mother, and will call her mom and/or mommy. she was thrown into her care at the age of five, and being that young and having years ahead of her with this women who genuinely and full heartedly cared and loved her it was not hard to fall in love with her back.

her three siblings are the three people in her life that, has really help shaped her and filled with world with light. sometimes, she cannot wrap her head around the fact that for five years she did not know they existed. the though saddens her, mostly because now she cannot picture even her simple days without them.

she does not speak of her birth mother, nor does know where she’s at or what she’s doing. she refuses any contact with her, and mostly tries to pretend the first five years of her life was a blur.

which for the most part it was, she was still insanely young. and while she had the ability to understand the vague concept of the matter: her mother no longer wanting her. she was a young child.

but her experience with the event left wounds on her that are not always vocal, being abandoned at a young age clearly had its impact on her and the way she functioned. especially with personal relationships. she’s at the point in her life where she’s either latching on to people with fear spilling out of her that they might leave, or constantly pushing people away so they never have a chance to leave.

 her mother and father were sweethearts of college, marrying after three years and falling insanely in love. her mother had always been certain she didn’t want kids, and so when she fell pregnant she slowly fell apart? she did not have the heart to rid the baby from her, and so she kept it. she loved her first born, but she was unfit. slowly becoming someone people couldn’t recognize. giselle’s father tried his best, but when his efforts failed he put him and his child first and left. the only problem was, that his ex wife was pregnant. and she decided to keep this baby out of spite, regardless of knowing that she couldn’t care for it.

 her step mother had been adopted by a family in italy when she was a baby, and it’s a place her and the kids constantly go. for, every single summer was spent there. and her parents? without questions, without hesitation accepted giselle like she was their own.

built on a personality of constantly needing people surrounding her, joining a sorority made her feel like home regardless of being away from home. and sigma kappa had seemed to be a perfect match for her : fueling the need to feel like she’s a living breathing human being.

she has always been drawn to animals but when it comes down to narrowing them out she fully wants to work with dogs.. hoping to one day run her own shelter, organization that helps them and of course other animals in need. collecting the abandoned, the neglected, and the unloved and presenting them with what they deserve.

she had four dogs through her childhood, three of whom are still remaining. they are fully the reason she had been triggered to want to work so closely to them. but it definitely cuts deeper than just that.

she is someone who has to constantly apply herself to get the results she wants, and school is the biggest department that shines through. she’s smart, but the effort is necessary. she needs to spend hours with her head in books, needs to take the time to do her assignments, notes. school never came naturally to her.

but sports did, throughout her life she played a handful. soccer, field hockey, volleyball, softball: but the one that truly stuck was cheerleading and it’s something she continues to do. it’s a passion of hers that can never die no matter how much she wants it to sometimes. she loves the sensation it brings her. the fact that it presents her an escape route. she doesn’t mind the hard work, the hours of practicing, the sore muscles and headaches from her hair being pulled too tight. the bumps and the cuts, it’s worth it.

her home is key west florida, and so the years after her mom left her .. she spent a lot of her time near the ocean. of course this is default of living right on it, but in simple terms it kind of brings her a sense of peace?? ocean waves remind her of childhood, her parents, siblings, brings a warm and cozy feeling. when she can’t sleep, she’d find herself sitting in the sand just watching the waves in the moonlight. when she needed inspiration? she’d take in the cotton candy sunsets and let them flow through her.

she has a lot of small talents, but one she recently decided to put more energy in is her singing. she always, for the longest time carried around her song journal. the pages being filled with song lyrics and small doodles .. it was kind of like her diary? and putting words together to make some sort of beautiful poetry not only excited her but kept her grounded. she has now recently started acting bringing these songs together and so far? she’s just having a blast with it. it’s a aspect of her life she’s fully down to explore.

. ◞  ‧  *  . 𝖛. 𝖈𝖔𝖓𝖓𝖊𝖈𝖙𝖎𝖔𝖓𝖘 .    ⁎  ∘  ヽ

platonic soulmate, girl squad, teammates, friends, best friends, ex best friends, friends with benefits, ex friends with benefits, hate ship, one night stand(s), failed relationship, almost relationship, good influence, bad influence, flirtationship, unlikely friends, family friends, frenemies, childhood friends, slow burn, confidant(s), ex fling, tutors, hardly related cousin, cousins, sibling like friendship, toxic friendship, forbidden romance, love/hate relationship, fake relationship, first loves, ex lover, toxic relationship, on and off relationship. 

[vybright]

More from my supernatural/paranormal experience ---past journal entries

I have been keeping this to myself for a long time. Mostly because I didn't want to be seen as psychotic. Much of this may be hard to believe but I promise it is true. This is truly my last resort. Reddit. The internet. Anything. I hope you're open minded enough to believe what I am going to tell you.

A few years ago I decided to start using a pendulum. At first, I just asked it yes or no questions. I was basically using it for an endless stream of advice. I decided to veer off into the deeper side and ask who I was speaking to. I used the alphabet to communicate with it. It was a drawn out process but I continued because I was getting actual words and sentences. I then asked it for its name. It calls itself Urryg or Uryyg Klid Joxerstov. It then started to tell me all these whimsical things about "who I truly was", that my name was actually Rofila Marquros and I believed it for years. Mind you, it tried to convince me that I wasn't human and that I had a whole other amazing life outside of this life that I couldn't remember. Because it was all the things I wanted to hear, I continued using it nearly obsessively. I carried the thing everywhere I went. Asked it everything. Talked to it. Journaled about it. I developed a relationship with something I couldn't see.

Gradually, I started to get into meditation, yoga learning about Thoth and the akashic records and ascended masters. It encouraged me to "elevate myself " to challenge myself so I started off on a little journey to do so. It or he seemed so kind. It seemed innocent. I began meditating for 30 minutes a day and began noticing something very strange. My head began nodding from side to side and in circles seemingly on it's own. It was strange but I could feel a sort of pressure or force manipulating my head. Although it was very unusual, I continued experimenting. I thought it was some kind of transcendental kundalini energy experience despite not finding anything like it on the internet.  Soon, my entire upper body was moving from side to side and in circles as I meditated. Knowing what I know now, that should have been my first sign to stop immediately.

This year, back in late January early February, I decided to start meditating using marijuana. I wanted my body as relaxed as possible. I occasionally used it before but in really small amounts and usually around friends. This time I brought it home to experiment alone. The first time I used it, my upper body was dancing in circles. My arms began moving too. It should have been scary but I was so excited. I thought I had discovered something that could elevate me like Urryg the pendulum being told me to do.

Several days later, I smoked again but this time I smoked nearly an entire joint. I had never done that before alone. Oddly enough, I didnt feel very high. Thats why I ended up smoking most of it. All of a sudden I started getting this very unusual slow motion vibration sensation all over my body. It felt kind of like time slowed down. My entire body began moving rhythmically so I followed it. Eventually it turned into this very sensual dance in which I  was being led by something I couldnt see but could feel. My body was so relaxed that I flowed with it. I wish I could have recorded it. I let it move me and I was utterly enamored. I couldnt believe it was happening. It was truly miraculous! This time, my entire body was being manipulated not just my arms and head. It was very bizarre.

Strangely enough when I tried to show my boyfriend, I couldnt show him the dance (I didnt reveal to him that an invisible force was moving me but that I had just learned it), but It just stopped moving me. It was then that I started to think that maybe I should keep it a secret. When no one was around, I let the invisible force move my body to experiment. You probably would too if it were happening to you. It was very captivating and exciting.

Anyway, long story short it began speaking to me through my mouth. It called itself "EYE" or "I". Calling itself "Me" and "We". Telling me that it was an Angel and there were demons and portals opening and that I needed to keep myself safe because I was "special". Mind you i'm not religious. It pretended like it was helping me. I did a lot of stuff that was questionable to my family. But eventually I stopped believing what it was telling me. When I did, it decided to keep changing the story because I was trying to figure out what it was since it was able to control my body (to a certain degree. It was limited), control my thoughts and speak through my mouth. It used my ignorance and innocence against me by lying over and over again. It pretended to be the devil, God, Angel's, Aliens. You name it, I guessed it. Eventually, I wanted it to leave me alone but frustratingly, it stayed.

I became so mentally exhausted because I spent so much time lying to my family about it and hiding my interactions with it. I eventually ended up with intrusive thoughts because it policed every thought I had. Its awful. I continued to use the pendulum on and off to see if I could have some guidance (mind you, I believed that the entity that I was communicating with using the pendulum was my ally) but I kept getting rid of it because it would give me inconsistent responses. I had nowhere to turn. No one to trust with what what I knew.

Later on, I began to experience strange physical sensations in my head, eyes, throat, chest, stomach, and groin.  I attested it to anxiety but they were too infrequent and tended to happen when I upset it. It started to put strange images in my mind, coherent voices,  controlled my thoughts, gave me jumbled thoughts to confuse me,  learned my thought process to the point that it was speaking WITH me and I could tell. It would try to change what I was saying, control my hand when I would listen to music or scroll through social media. It knew everything about me. It even gave me these strange dreamlike things that would happen upon waking. One of them was this strange message that none of this was real, meaning the world around me wasnt real. This entity laughed with me, cried with me, and confused me badly. My whole life was weighed down and turned upside down by its presence and I couldn't figure out how to make it go away.

I suddenly began experiencing what I thought were astral projections but after research and experience I realized that they were way too detailed, too vivid and and too intense. They occured at certain times of the day as well. I couldn't find a single AP that was similar to mine. They had to be something else. I traveled through space, visited other planets, dimensions, interacted with other beings. I saw and spoke to angels. Im even pretty sure I shared a thought space with a girl from California. It was so very strange.

Fast forward to today, i began to use my pendulum again but it finally confessed that it was the entity behind the pendulum. After putting things together, I started to believe that it was possibly trying to take my body and disconnect me from my body so that I would die in my sleep and it would carry on in my body and no one would know otherwise because it learned me so well. It's a little paranoid sounding but after what I've been through, anything seems possible. I finally figured out that those sensations I had been feeling were my chakras. My crown chakra and throat chakra are the most active at this point. I believe that this was how it was able to do what I did to me.

All I know is that it I related to that pendulum and it ruined my life. Please avoid pendulums and the like especially if you're not protecting yourself.

If anyone else has had a similar experience, PLEASE reach out to me. It's so lonely and scary experiencing this.

IMPORTANT NOTE: I realized that the entity is also related to the lights/aircrafts that I see in the sky. My mom sees them too so I know i'm not seeing things. I living Detroit near downtown. They look like airplanes but they hover and move slower and appear out of thin air. Ive seen over 5 or 6 of them at a time. I cant believe it doesnt make the news. Anyway, it knew exactly where to look (using my head) and an aircraft would appear. It was disturbing.