#its not as bad as it used to be because im on meds but holy fuck do i not need to be told im hideous for it

[moeblob]

You know, when I kept getting asked "so you didn't ever have severe pains before now?" in the hospital and I kept replying "I have a high pain tolerance" I meant it. However, there is only so much pain my tiny 4'9" body can hold... (aka I am sweating and in agony bc I'm getting told to use LESS severe pain meds so I don't rely on them too much and it is AWFUL)

[midwinterwings]

Happy deitykin euphoria moments :D this is the first time I feel comfortable in my body holy crap. Here's some nerding and yay maybe this blog will be positive instead of having repeated mental breakdowns...yay

*deep breath*

I have COOL WINGS now! (Bodily) I still love them, I hope they stay. My wings are more conceptual as they shift, theyre kind of like shadows, because they more represent flying/realm crossing than my 'true form''s wings. So they kind of flicker like shadows but they are sort of corporeal in that I can feel them somewhat. Nontheless, I love feeling them and stretching them so they fill up my entire room. It feels great. I can even sort of control them now, for example stretching them, or flapping them, whereas before I couldn't really control them. Although now I feel weird lying on my back because owchie even though my wings are made of shadows I can't really banish them at will. It's more of a spiritual ouch than a physical ouch but still, it feels so weird.

2. My talons also moved to the physical realm too and it feels great! They took root where my hands would have been. Theyre sharp.

3. I can finally read mythology without having a breakdown! Yay...my sense of identity is extremely strong these days. I do have self doubt at times but it dosent consume me and cause a meltdown cuz yea reading the myths would trigger me bad as the self doubt spiral would start.

4. I moved most of me into the physical realm and stretched myself out to fill the body with me so now it's mine. And I feel great. I'm able to fly and vibe as myself even in the physical realm (no not in a physical manner obviously, its sorta like.-)

Imagine the body is an empty rubber toy. I have brought me out of just incorporeal realm and 'base realm' and stretched me out from the inside and filling the rubber toy so bodily I'm most of what im like in base realm - not in a literal way but I'm able to express me completely in some aspects with the limited material I have to work with, something I never thought I'd be able to do. Admittedly I piggybacked on my raven form which is already firmly in the body, my deity form (which is another expression of my raven form) isnt quite done figuring out where everything goes but it's got a good template. Holy shit you have no idea how many years it took to learn how to exist and feel normal.

5. I figured out who I am which is...*flops on ground* I've gotten beaten up so many damn times it was fucking hard, because we kept finding more and more Stuff to unravel like plurality and all the while existence is painful...and jarring, as it is, while the body's 'family and friends' think its the anxiety and adhd that are the reason they had no idea we'd been trying to learn how to make us gain a physical form in different realms lol and learn how to 'shut off' or dull other ones because HEY its HARD to live in so many ok?? Meds helped. Now I can only feel 3, 4 max. Could probably feel more if I wanted but...no thanks. I just wanna exist here man I have better senses and there's good food like pizza and stuff even if I can't fly ok.

The relief and being able to just..exist..without encountering pitfall after jarring pitfall is Hecking rad. I need to rest. At the same time I'm so excited and relieved, it's the first time I feel real, present in this realm, whereas before it was like staring at the physical realm through a pane of thick half opaque glass, unable to interact, to just watch.

But interact I shall, and interact I will. *puffs out chest and flies into a window*

[maximillion-megasus]

TOON WORLD 8/21 BABEY

my compsci class at my new school is so boring i can't believe im paying money to learn that you can't type (""") in Python and expect it to work. actually wasted money. its fine though cause that shits gonna be the freest (erm not free) easiest a imaginable. like im bad at programming but this shit aint helpful RAHHH. but idk an a is useful evidence in my brainspace that i can attend classes and not automatically fail them by sheer virtue of being a lazy loser fuck

habitat for humanity fell thru cause i got class on every day they have sessions. im looking into a local org that does similar tool-y things so i sent them an email so that should be alr

WRESTLING CLUB AT UNIVERSITY 150 dollar per season idgaf gonna go and spladle some 🥷🏿s (read: pass out during warmups because the most i run now is bc im late to church)

erm applyin to some jobs that are closer than two hours away. i enjoy my clothing job cause it's nice to be a gay mfer and recommend gay clothes to gay people but two hours aaaUGHH

I don't know how people stay on top of things. every moment I'm awake I feel like I'm forgetting something. The odds are such that I'm correct. I tried to implement GTD but the requirements to clear absolutely everything out was impossible for me. them bitches be talking about years of build up of shit idk man

but who's to say I couldn't do it now right? classes are piss easy and they won't be for long. maybe...

holy shit. I forgot to schedule an appointment to get meds. this is the shit I'm talking about bros. I'm forgetting stuff that is critically vitally important all the time. I'm never not forgetting. I will never not be blamed.

if I go to the gym three times a week for the next month, then I'm letting myself send an ask to my favorite blogger hoo hoo

[alukaforyou]

hooooly fcking shit i have to tell yall smth nuts, WARNING there r semi detailed mentions AND A PIC of HUGE SYRINGES / NEEDLES

oookay so last month nyc got a heat wave and it was SO hot i was a sweaty gorl and not happy abt it, like hate summer too?? and then i remembered watching korean tv and these celebs were talking abt how they got underarm BOTOX cuz that stops you from sweating??? and i was like huh should i try that? but after doing some research, its not permanent. like hello im not gonna spend $ and have needles in my PITS for it to last a few months u kno?? but then i found this laser thing called miradry which is permanent, like its mainly used to treat hyperhydrosis which i dont even have so i thought the results would be stellar for regular ol' me right?? and they make it sound soo painless like "u can do it in ur lunchbreak and go back to work!" bruh u absolutely cannot go back to work after this LMFAO so i went to this veteran nyc med dude to do it today and HOLY SHIT IT HURT LIKE A MF-ER LIKE ACTUALLY WTF

so before they can go in w the laser they have to numb ur whole ass pit by injecting numbing fluid(?) which also protects ur nerves ok got it. i was expecting like. a normal shot right? hell no. so first i think they prelim numb u with a normal syringe shot business it was fine. BUT THEN THEY TAKE OUT THIS SHIT?

i swear to GOD it was the biggest mfing syringe i have ever seen in my LIFE i wish i took a pic so u guys can believe me, the needle was THICK AS FCK and also like TWICE as long as the pic above like for real it was at least a 4 inch needle i wish i was exaggerating but it was comically long & big i was like what the f? obvs i couldnt SEE what was going on but it FELT LIKE the whole 4 inches was going INTO my skin over and over again cuz u have to inject that fluid all over everywhere it was sooo crazy, the doc was basically f*king my armpits with this needle, AND!!!!! THEY PUT 3 FRICKIN SYRINGES WORTH OF FLUID!!! ON EACH SIDE??? HELLOOOO!!!!!!! from a scale of 1 to 10 that was a solid 15 😐😐😐 the actual lasering part wasnt bad, it felt like a crazy hard pinch with HEAT in some parts but i was so taken aback by that needle action, the laser part was negligible. i was such a champ for it tho like didnt even bat an eye outwardly, the tech was like wow ur the first person i've done that didnt even flinch. yes i didnt show it naruto ninja style but that was nuts yall u guys rly Did That LOL

needless to say, since a FCKTON of fluid is in my damb PITS they are sooo swollen, like the upper inner arm, the pit itself, underneath it nxt to ur b00b its frickin whack over there 😐 like tell me how my armpits have jiggle physics. thats full of water babey!!!! oh my god they are sooo sore and painful kms the hubris of it all i shouldve been ok w a normal amount of sweat LOLOL like appropriate levels for the heat but dambbb i rly tried it🤣🤣🤣🤣💀💀💀💀 yall there needs to be a disclaimer do NOT get this shit done UNLESS u ACTUALLY have excess sweating that is actively ruining ur daily life because rn it feels like my armpits are in LABOR :) i just paid 2.3k to torture myself, but since its done & all, i hope im an armpit-sweatless bitch for the rest of my life

[applin-bottom-jeans]

trying to reorganize my life for new years

through the power of agile brainrot i'm doing a new thing for time tracking and i kind of want to share it here (especially since i don't have a real update for pigeon-splice like i wanted)

so last year i tried to figure out organizational methods for the stuff i had in my life because my current system - writing down weekly todos and then breaking those into daily tasks - wasn't really working, both in the short term (large tasks that need to be done during the day get kicked, forever) and long term (no tracking for long term projects with deadlines)

but then two things happened

i read up on agile stuff

i got put on a better release type of my meds and holy shit i am less wiaefrjueiwahjfdeioswAFHeouihf (and then got put back on the old version because of a miscommunication between docs and then put back on the new version, more on that later)

I'm not a big fan of kanban because i feel like in card form seeing all of the cards you have in your queue gets extremely overwhelming, especially if you dont have a good way of organizing them by tag (so really, i just hate trello).

but scrum. im in a deep love-hate relationship with scrum. Here's my understanding of scrum, which may not be entirely accurate, with commentary -

Sprint - a length of time where work is measured, usually 2 weeks - no comment, perfect length of time, love that

scrum points - how much work you think a task will take, which will help determine the amount of work you have planned for a sprint - this can get ambiguous depending on the work you do. What happens if something goes wrong? What happens if you need more information and need more time? I understand that there are many tasks that you can learn to estimate well, but at what point is a bad estimation due to your performance or outside factors?

burndown chart - how many scrum points you estimated vs how many you've actually done - this helps with the issue with points and i think its good in theory but also i really don't want a chart of how poorly im doing thats easily accessible by someone higher up in the food chain who might want to decide who to lay off

Sprint planning - a meeting where you plan what will be in a sprint - great. no commentary.

standup - a meeting with your team every day to discuss what you're working on - introspection is good but why do i have to tell my entire team this information every single day. i have an anxiety disorder

sprint review - discussing how the sprint went and how much you got done - good, great

sprint retrospective - basically the same as the review but with vibes - not sure why this is a different meeting but ok

Basically i like the idea of scrum and i really like the philosophy of its work tracking but i feel like the implementation of it in a team turns it into glorified micromanagement. But this is for personal use? Seems good, lets try it out

This still doesn't really help solve the long term project problem but for that i organized the year into financial quarters, like a completely normal person.

So for every quarter this year, i'm planning on having a set of quarter wide goals (duration measured in a month or more), a sprint level goal (duration of days - weekish), and a daily goal (should be as simple as possible).

My general goals for the year is get better at art to the point where i'm finally happy with it, get through all the craft supplies i've accumulated through the years, do big stupid projects, and get healthier i guess. This quarter I'm working on a big BD2 project, a couple of sweaters, a few art challenges, and cleaning my apartment. In the end, my breakdown for this looks like this:

Q1:

Quarter-wide

* BD2 Project

* Two sweaters

* 3 art challenges

* Deep Clean apartment

* Ramp up back to exercising regularly

* Get 6 pages into the pokemon cross stitch project

* Get 2 haircuts (usually i get 1.5 every 3 months...)

Every sprint

* Run 4 times

* Make 1 good painting

* Make 1 practice painting (Q1 emphasis on portraits)

* Make 1 jewelry set (necklace, or earrings, or whatever)

* Buy food

* Clean out previously cleaned parts of the apartment

Every day

* Draw a bird (practice painting)

For this sprint I'm about to start, Bidoof (I named my sprints after dinky pokemon), I have the following specific goals which may intersect with the list above:

Ooblets Painting

Carpenters Close To You Practice Painting

Ahmed Aldoori's 100 head challenge

Clear out my closets

Make a fish pendant and lil anchor earrings

Page 2 of the pokemon cross stitch

Make squares for the current sweater i'm making

"Wtf is LSDJ" and beg people to listen to what i come up with

Get the music plan into LSDJ

And for any tasks that I didn't finish, they either

get kicked to the next sprint, in this case Carbink

get obliterated to hell

so i have the flexibility sometimes to push things off if they're not working out. i have already kicked out a lot of the LSDJ stuff because last week i had to go back on my old meds so i had to transition to old antidepressants and then transition back again to the new antipressants and my brain didn't like that. but its fine, we're fine. help

I then have a todo list i make for the day in the morning and i try to grab whatever i can from the goals list.

and yeah. i hope this helps getting my stuff together for this year. i already feel more on top of things but that might just be the antidepressants so

[filamints]

Tag meme- get to know you game: answer the questions and tag the people you want to get to know better

holy shit i didnt know people were still at this, i got tagged by old man @jpivblog

- last song you listened to

so ive been relistening to my middleschool music... Vifta Med Händerna i used to borrow the 2 basshunter cds my library had frequently ;w; i had it on driving home because i rarely am in the car alone and when i am, i want to listen to LOUD music

- currently reading:

LMAO im reading halo: fall of reach to my girlfriend. we keep screaming at it, i love read aloud time with her sooooo much. turns out its bad! but its fun bad. after that she wants me to read murderbot to her

- currently watching:

buh. i feel like dungeon meshi barely counts im so behind. i think a more accurate gauge of what im up to is i just caught up with the something rotten podcast and im thrilled the current season is disco elysium, theyre been flirting with the idea for like, years i think LOL. i fell off during the metal gear season because i dont really care but i got thru it

- currently obsessed with

aoughuaough idk. my major fixations are always very static, they dont really change even from year to year. the moods for the kind of music i want to listen to and the food ive been craving is my fleeting kind so ive been relistening to the move's greatest hits a Lot and ive been in an insane mood for sandwiches and rice krispies treats. i hope that suffices. oh also im gonna get to play stardew update so im sure ill be insane about that again for a few weeks.

tagging people: @squeakitties @bullrunpicnicker @tigerdrop @kogo-dogo @bellygunnr @swamppossum

[moosekababs]

holy shit an actual blog post

hahe time to ramble

im off one of my meds so i'm like highkey derealizing rn. and my head is also pounding at the same time. its like i'm having input lag to my body its weird. but anyway

i've been in this weird mindset where i'll see a historical video that my brain says is not popular enough to get widespread recognition and i'll just. download it. i've been downoading weird history political videos sort of? like i just downloaded this one about the civil rights movement where they interviewed a white man who joined a protest for equal right (in the way way way back days of black and white film)

i also have one saved of an interview on a gameshow thing of the last living person (at the time) to be a witness to the assassination of abraham lincoln. I saw this old guy talking on this show and i was like. no i have to save that. and part of me is like "ew am i being american. am i having a murica moment. is this the lifelong conditioning kicking back up?" but like no.... just because it's american history doesn't mean i'm being a common american scrublord , these are important things to preserve. and i am lucky enough to have stumbled upon them and i want to keep them and keep them safe for the future. idk. i just think the experiences of common people are important. i like stuff from just random passers by. i want to know more about how people thought and behaved in the past. we don't really have any recollection about the average joe's views of things throughout history, besides some notable outliers. Everything is sort of left up to authors, i think.

I wish more creedence was given to the account of the random bystander. I wish we didn't wait until journal pages were deteriorate past the point of even partial restoration to care about what an average person had to say. granted, im kind of talking out of my ass because i'm not that well versed in history, i only recently started liking it and before it was like repulsive to me fsr, but now i've figured out how to like it and why its interesting to me and i'm getting into it but. we're privledged enough to have a background of hundreds of thousands of years worth of written documentation but just, anyone. anyone with a pencil or pen or quill. there are societies that don't have that. there are cultures that have no histor yavailable. it feels bad to just, take our access to personal accounts for granted. idk. idk what i'm saying, really, like i said im derealizing rn so i'm like trying to bake using those dinosaur bity arm things instead of my hands basically. but. yeah.

[aamethyst000]

Another Late night May 5,24 - 3:07am

Even when i take my meds, i cant seem to sleep. so i think i may need those melatonin stuff, i think ill take them in gummy form. now that i have emulators downloaded, i think that is what ill use up my time for. Especially if i cant sleep. Change of subject, since i havent worked for a whole ass year now, i am just going to start looking for a job. at least, what i can do here in this small(ish) village (i say "ish" because, as ive been told on may occasions, we arent exactly "small" we have about 4200 and more while the other villages has way less than that). there isnt much to do, and i want to save up money to move and possibly visit my older brother who lives down south. since ive been planning this for years, i have been getting better at saving up my money. so far, the method i have been using is working now. i got less than i have hoped but it is way better than nothing (i definitely would have cried about having no savings). im just so worried about never having enough. since prices have gone up, it has been making me very hesitant about moving anywhere. owning is too expensive, renting is way out of my limit, even with one other roommate. it got to the point where i added another person to my personal plan to move down south. I dont mind it, since its my best friend. but i also have plans to move in with my brother too. whoc was my original plan; find an appartment and move in with him.

then, after my little brother graduates, he and i can save up and have him move in with us! i want that more than anything. Before this whole ordeal. i wanted to move in with my 2(two) childhood best friends. then shit happens in our own life, individually that is, like, it got so bad that we drifted apart and it is not even our own fault (or am i just making an excuse for us?). It sucks, but what can i do? one lives in the same village as i do and i hardly go to see her, the other lives in town and she, herself, doesnt go see anyone othere than her immediate family. shit got crazy during our teen years man, it isnt even funny.

anyway, i figured, since i cant fall asleep, il just use this time to rant/vent about whatever was on my mind. and it seems to be on the past, im trying to let that go but i cant, or rather, i dont want to. cause as much as i hated being that young and naive, and those shit happening to us and around us. there were good moments that over ride the bad in my life, and i am desperately clinging on to that hope and happiness i had before turning 13-14. and that is way too young to be left undiagnosed and depressed.

but who would believe a teenager actually being depressed? we were "attention seekers" and "trend follower" (to be very fair though, i really did try to follow a lot of trends in my life) there was even a moment where i went to this little convention event thingy that was going on in my village, and it was about suicide prevention. so, i decided to go, because if i wasnt going to get help from my own family, i may as well get it from somewhere else (i really was trying so hard to activly not look for bad habits to start on, one of them was already developing without me knowing or realizing...so). when i got there, and we got into a circle to introducing ourselves, open up and talk. the instructor said to talk about why some of us choose to go to that event, so when it was my turn. i talked about how i--

((((by the way, very strong TRIGGER WARNING!!!! talks about suicide attempt and possible eating disorder))))

--was feeling so alone and just so very lost and caged up because of my ex boyfriend, i sat there on my bed with scissors i grabbed from the kitchen and just stared at my arm. i didnt message anyone, or even write a letter. i just wanted out. i opened the scissors enough to make it easy to hurt myself, that part alone i was trying to figure out how i should do it. that thought did scare me at the time but it does now, holy shit. anyway, i made the decision and then, like a movie theatre, memories of both my brothers played in my head, their smiles and laughter loud and clear for me. like someone was there just waiting for the right moment to show me them, who ever they were, im glad and thankful. because at the very lowest moment of my life, i was already struggling with my eating habits. there was no inbetween for me. i either ate a lot, enough to be "teased" about looking or "being preggo" which is sick by the way when your teasing a literal MINOR (12 through 17) about being pregnant. like, why would you even do that? anyway, it wasnt my family that unintentionally helped me develop those bad eating habits. it was my friends and me comparing myself to every girl and characters out there.

i didnt care that it was a bad thing to get into at the time, to me, i was surrounded by girls that were skinnier than me, or, who i thought were skinnier than me. ive seen photos that my family and friends took of me, i cannot believe that i ever thought i was ever fat, ever, but i guess thats what low self esteem and bad comparisons does to you. i mustve been looking through foggy mirrors how dysphoric(???) i fucking felt. it was so bad that most days i choose to either have one meal or throw that plate away in my own garbage bag and just have a toast for my first "meal". i didnt care about the calories i was eating up, or lack therof, like raw ichiban, dry cereal, or just popcorn, and on "good days" i let myself have pop and chips with my first meal which is usually dinner time. it made a bigger effect on me when my little brothers dad decided to act like a total bitch and not get any proper groceries and just get chicken nuggets, ichiban, cereal, hot dogs, milk, and rice.

so, i forgot to mention, but i was 16 when all of this was overwhelming me and when i nearly took my own life. i didnt tell this story as detailed as i did while in the circle, but as soon as i finished, feeling (while it was very short lived) lighter after i told my reasoning, you know what i heard? on my right, this elder lady: *snickers* "im sorry, i didnt mean to laugh, but i think that was cute. that was all?" i didnt hear the rest because i was ready to cry again. how can you say that? i shut down for the rest of my time there. i dont remember how long that event went, but i knew from there on, not to ever open up here in the village. ever. mind you, there were other servivors who talked about their own stories in their own ways but why was i laughed at? How in the ever loving fuck is what i almost did "cute"? how was my story not made a big deal just like the others? i wish i knew but that fucking hurt like hell.

((((END of TRIGGER WARNING))))

wow. i did not think that this would be a big post (journal entry) but here we are. im not going to lie, im still feeling iffy about posting this. or if i want to delete that whole section and just say " id rather not go into detail about my...." idk what else to call it other than my lowest point. i dont know what else to write about so i am going to get ready for bed and see if i can fall asleep after having a toke. cause right now, it is currently 4:16am and i want to get more than 4 hours of sleep tonight, or at least try to. hopefully i feel better after writing this out and sleeping on this. we shall see tomorrow.

good night.

[misty-leaf]

as i was saying,

the song is just so . so meadowmoon. like

"all my life ive been so lonely, all in the name of being holy" (+"still, you'd like to think you know me, you keep buying stars")

its just such a . her song!!!!!! aoahgh

like. if im going with the canon storyline i wanna go with, that is starclan being gone when cedarstar dies several years before the events of these stories, then like. meadowkit is born and she's the only cat who has a connection to starclan. she's taken in by windclan, the most religious clan, and put under immense pressure to talk to her warrior ancestors bc she's their only way of contacting them.

because of this she's. lonely. she's used. no one wants to be her friend or really get to know her or talk to her outside of. "can you talk to starclan for me? can you talk to my dead starclan parents? etc etc."

her two other friends besides spottedcloud, midnightsky and cloudfur, were only pulled in by their parents. they arent related but pebbleblaze, cloudfur's father, was desperately using meadowpaw to try to contact his father. and rainshade, midnightsky's mother (and also actually pebbleblaze's mother too) was . doing the same, trying so hard to contact her mate, pebble's father, who had disappeared and had been gone for moons and no one knew if he was dead or not. ofc i just made this all up just now so its a bit messy but oh well SJKDKJG

anyways midnight and cloud are eventualy lke hey back off this kid is, like, 10. (as in like 10 human years old, so like, 7 moons in wc age) and so they jus kinda protect meadowpaw n do eventually become better friends with her but it does rly start out as them and their parents being like please help :(((

as for spottedcloud and meadowmoon's relationship .......... spottedcloud rly just. wanted to be her friend. she saw a lonely and scared meadowkit suddenly being tasked with becoming the medicine cat apprentice (which she DID wanna be a med cat and didnt have any iunterest in fighting but it was also pushed onto her bc "med cats are special and they can talk to starclan !!!" yk) and so spottedkit was like hey !!! wnanna be friends :) nd so they. becam friends :)

i like to think though that spottedcloud's parents were also like. using meadowpaw for their own gain. to contact starclan, to talk to deceased family members, etc.

also actually here's something that can tie in to all these cats trying to reach their dead family mebmers : just before meadowkit was born there was a huge fire and earthquake and storm that teared the clans apart and they were forced 2 move to a whole new territory . the storm wiped out a pretty good number of cats from every clan bc no one was expecting it so no one rly had time to prepare or Leave before things got bad. some inhaled smoke from the fire and died, some were trapped In The Fire, some were injured by falling trees or attemped to cross the flooding rushing river and drowned, etc etc.

so now a small windclan, who lost several of its warriors, are like. we need to know if our families and relatives are dead or not but we cant talk to starclan. n then meadowkit comes along... and is able to talk to starclan... so everyones like "oh my god is so-and-so there??? what about (x)???????" and meadowkit is just like please im a newborn child im 8 days old and can barely speak

anyways anyways back on topic to the song . its just such a song that Screams meadowmoon vibes 2 me . like. basically a song that goes "i am sad because i was pushed into religion at a very very young age and no one around me protected me from The Horrors so now im fucked up and traumatized and every time i try to express that i dont like This Religion i get shut down because supposedly what im doing is to the benefit of everyone else and im not supposed to care about my own feelings because its bad, and no matter how hard i try or what i do i will always be known as the Religious Guy and i will never be rid of this trauma or this lifestyle and it has forever ruined my life". does that make sense

hi i havent posted here in a while but buy the stars by marina is such a meadowmoon song . in this essay i will-

[atsukashii]

ily and ur writing so much 🥺🥺 I'm caught up on practically everything u've posted, so while I wait (im)patiently for new works NO RUSH THO, can u rec any writers u may follow that post stuff u just lOVE to read???

I usually use fics as a distraction from anxiety/panic attacks and my heart doing the palpitating thing which actually makes me wonder if my heart med is working??? bc its happening rn yay 🙃 so I usually go for fluff or h/c stuff

holy shit everything?!?!? 😮😮 aaahhhhh thank you so much 💕 i’m so glad that my writing can give you some sort of escape. send you all the hugs in the world anon!!!

also can I rave about my fave writers on a public platform? ummm fuck yes I can.

These are in no particular order and I think I’ve missed some people but if you check my recommended tag there are even more there too!! Oh I’m also recommending fics here!

haikyuu!

@elysianslove (sfw + nsfw) - sal writes some of the best hc’s and drabbles ever, and the way that she writes for kuroo has my heart going boom boom every time.

faves : unintentional flustering things & the little things

@kotarotea (sfw) - guys don't get me started on alyssa's writing okay, because her blog has made me laugh and cry more times then i can count (I'm looking dead at you in another life) her writing is top notch and is definitely one of my absolute favourite people on this site. Oh also her fake texts are pretty neat!

faves : the waiting game (read it ages ago and is one of my fave iwa fics to this day) & random text with bf iwa this one gives me all the feeeelllsss

@hvnlydmn (sfw)- ains writing can heal all of the worlds problems i stg. her atsumu is simply divine and i frequently read her writing. but seriously she will make anyone into an atsumu simp and you'll thank her for it.

faves : haikyuu boys comforting you & haikyuu boys reactions when they accidentally wake you up from a nap its just too fucking cute i can't not share it

@adoringhaikyuu (sfw + nsfw) - if you don't know who they are then y'all aren't living. their drabbles are honestly some of the most amazing haikyuu pieces i've ever read. And they write for a whole lot of people - also the angst will kill your soul

faves : when they realise they want to marry you & rejects you and regrets it - this made my heart actually hurt when reading it

@taurue (sfw) - jin has written my favourite iwaizumi fic that i have ever read (bad news) and is one of the main reasons i love that man with my heart and soul. she also writes for mha as well as haikyuu so literally you're getting double with this one. shes a treasure and her writing is *chefs kiss* perfection

faves : bad news (iwaizumi x reader) seriously read it, you'll thank me later & down bad (atsumu fluff that is so fucking precious i love it with all my soul)

my hero academia

@dimplesum (sfw) - faye writes for both mha & hq, but it doesn't matter what you read, her work is god tier. her blog is so aesthetically pleasing and her writing even more so, she's one of my top recs for suuurrreeeee

faves : i'm not your fangirl (bakugou x reader) & baked love (bakugou x reader)

@myherowritings (sfw+ nsfw) - sof is the king of bnha x reader as far as i'm concerned and her smau's are on another level. even if you aren't a massive fan of the character of one of her smau's i promise you will be by the end, no joke this is what happened to me in her shinsou smau turn on your airdrop.

faves : number neighbour (bakugou smau) & turn on your airdrop (shinsou smau)

@katsuverse (sfw + nsfw) - i cannot say enough about this talented girl. I have been watching mich's blog grow since day one and the way that her writing and style has evolved is really fucking beautiful. her writing is the bomb dot com and her katsuki is ✨ f l a w l e s s ✨

faves : bakugou's reaction to his crush's haircut, made with love (bakugou x reader) & hypothesis honey (bakugou nsfw smau)

Also i cannot stress this enough, if one of these blogs requests that under 18's do not interact or if they state that under 18's should not view some of their content please for the love of god respect their wishes.

thank you.

[horrorofthebeast]

i felt it would be a good idea to share this story from when i was medicated basically around 2013 or so i got diagnosed with schizophrenia (theres a funny post going around as to how that happened lol) and i basically went through every single anti-psychotic medicine that wasn't highly addictive. abilify, latuda, lamitrogine, you name it

let me tell you that when nothing worked and they said that a fibromyalgia medicine that they were testing had good effects on psychotic and schizophrenic people as well, i took the chance, bc it was new-sounding and they made it look good

let me tell you, never, ever, ever say yes to new medication if they admit to using you as a guinea pig (and still make you pay the $300 a month)

the medicine was duloxetine(cymbalta) and holy shit, i think im the reason why half of the warnings are on that medicine. i had seizures, i had an entire month where i wasnt lucid... yeah, it was bad.

i also recently found out that it can cause brain damage if you miss even a few days, so, nice

idk the reason why i wanted to share specifically, but fuck, man, ive found that anti depressants are better for my symptoms than anything else i've ever tried, including the aforementioned meds as well as dietary supplements, ashwagandha, etc etc etc

oh my god, so actually i think this persom called or emailed me or I contacted themselves on the website. anyways they were saying they had a breakthrough drug for schizophrenia and i was about to do it but i ran it by my therapist and he said no. so after seeing this im so so glad i did not try it. but also curious of what it did. right now because of the situation all schizos are in im VERY scared of new medications. the last new medication i tried have me tardive dyskinesia in my jaw and it was very painful and would not stop until the medication subsided. its going to b hard for us and for people bringing out new medications because we're used to it damaging us and a propect of something new entices us. but after hearing this i am a bit afraid. but im sure one day we will figure it out.

i take antidepressants too. i usually feel worse when im off my antidepressants then when i am off my antipsychotics....

[bunkernine]

until you make a proper (and maybe shorter 😭) post, here's some times acne were mentioned in toa:

“Horrors!” I cried. “Is that—Is that acne ?” Immortal gods do not get acne. It is one of our inalienable rights. Yet I leaned closer to the glass and saw that my skin was indeed a scarred landscape of whiteheads and pustules.

I balled my fists and wailed to the cruel sky, “Zeus, what have I done to deserve this?”

(The Hidden Oracle, ch 3)

The child seemed unfazed by the cold weather, the dangerous journey ahead, and the fact that I was suffering from acne.

(The Hidden Oracle, ch 3)

Whoever Meg McCaffrey was, however she had happened to find me, our fates were now intertwined. It was almost as embarrassing as the acne.

(The Hidden Oracle, ch 3)

“And I have acne,” I lamented. “And flab.”

Will tilted his head. “You’re mortal, and that’s what you’re worried about?”

“You’re right. I’m powerless. Weaker even than you puny demigods!”

“Gee, thanks….” I got the feeling that he almost said Dad but managed to stop himself. It was difficult to think of this young man as my son. He was so poised, so unassuming, so free of acne. He also didn’t appear to be awestruck in my presence. In fact, the corner of his mouth had started twitching.

(The Hidden Oracle, ch 10)

“Ah…” I wasn’t sure why, but it felt like my acne was turning into live insects and crawling across my face. “Well, according to my extensive research—”

(The Hidden Oracle, ch 21)

Calypso tilted her head. “Perhaps you have changed. That does not sound like the Apollo I remember. You definitely are not as handsome.” “I am still quite handsome,” I protested. “I just need to clear up this acne.”

(The Hidden Oracle, ch 39)

Fun fact: i skipped a few, and this is ONLY from the hidden oracle.

apollo having acne is whatever. i grew up with acne and dermatologist visits, having it more years than most people and will probably go into adulthood with it too. lots of teens have acne, its completely normal!!! except the thing is that almost NO ONE in pjo has acne- oh wait. there's a few people. the villains and the bullies. typically those were not supposed to find attractive.

the only two people i can think to counter this is grover and piper. grover, the satyr who has a beard is really like 30 yrs old, and piper, who had a pimple on her face but got whisked away by magic when she was claimed... so yeah.

apollo complaining made sense in the beginning like @thepencalledriptide mentioned. he was a hot god!!! he had control over how he presented himself and wanted himself to look good!!! but as it grew on, the constant berating made it seem like acne was absolutely ugly and hideous and one would never be beautiful if they had a pimple or two.

not exactly the message to send to middle schoolers hitting puberty.

i remember making a post about how rick portrayed acne in toa made me super self conscious and now i can’t find it and i might just have to make it again when i’m back in my room

[mrpenguinpants]

Have you heard Xiao's growl? What do you think of it? Ugh the poor boi has suffered so much 😭

Quick edit: I wrote this first part before listening to jp growl if you’re confused. I went on a complete tangent I’m sorry anon haha. 

---

If the “growl” is his ptsd idle voiceline then yes. I’ve heard it way too often. And I’m a horrible person because it makes me laugh every time. I play windowed because I usually need to tab out and do other things (fucking crying in gbf right now. My crew wants everyone to get minimum 150M honours. Can we please fucking calm down, it’s midterms). But genshin is just running in the background and even if I’m tabbed out, sound will still play. So I’ll be dying on the grind train and I’ll hear Xiao dying in the background and honestly, same. 

It just comes out of no where and I can’t help it. It’s such a weird guttural sound that it makes me laugh. I can at least say it doesn’t annoy the piss out of me. Every time I use Childe and I hear “You know, there are better ways to seek out our enemies”- shut the fuck up Childe. But it’s also super awkward as well hearing some guy dying in my left ear. 

I’ve only played in cn but going back to listen to other languages. English was okay? I don’t really like the english voice the same reason I don’t like Klee and Razor’s english voice. I have nothing against the voice actors because voice acting is hard but it’s just not my style. It sounds so awkwardly forced? Which is weird because Xiao’s “normal talking” voice I actually really like in english. When it’s less raspy and forced. I think Klee is the best example. I know people think her english voice is cute and but it just sounds too much like an adult forcing their voice (which it is) to sound like a child and its really obvious. So it’s this huge difference that makes me not like it. 

This isn’t me hating on english, I actually prefer a lot of character’s english voices over other languages such as Mona (I love smug mona), but I think it mainly stems from the fact that I have only heard english for most of my life. All my Chinese interactions were from family. I think once you know and hear a language enough you can pick up on inflections and just, how people normally talk, that when people emphasis things in how they say things, it’s so obvious. It could also be that imo, english is the most expressive compared to the other languages. Which isn’t a bad thing at all, like I said before, I love Mona’s english voice because of that. 

Every other language sounds pretty generic. I love jp’s talking voices across the board (there isn’t a single jp voice I dislike) but that’s because I don’t know jp enough to pick up on emphasis or “voice acting” that everything just sounds generic to me. Korean is actually really nice, Paimon’s korean voice is my favourite, but I am so unused to hearing korean that the language itself kinda bothers me? It was the same when I found out genshin had a chinese language option. I’ve never heard chinese in a game before, that when I made the switch, it made me super uncomfortable but after playing genshin for so long I’ve gotten used to it that it doesn’t bother me. 

But getting back on track, Chinese sounds like he has actual gutteral pain and I will never get over it. It makes me laugh even more when I remember Zhongli wanted to give him pain meds. Korean sounds better but HOLY FUC- JP. Ahem. Okay, remember when I said I thought chinese xiao was slept on? I mean, that’s still true, but I might switch to jp just for this. It’s so different from the other languages because he sounds mad compared to suffering. Honestly, I feel like English and Japanese voice him as as this self-berating and anger issues person but is honestly a really calm person when he isn’t getting ptsd. That he’s mad at being possessed in the first place.

Meanwhile, Chinese and possibly Korean make him out to be this “calm before the storm” sort of vibes. Pretty relaxed but he’s actually dying on the inside. Actual, physical pain. That instead of being angry at being possessed, he’s still dealing with those physical and mental side effects of what he did. If that makes sense? This is all my opinion tho. 

Side note:

When you're doing the ritual for his story quest, he says "close enough" when you finish. But in chinese he says [马马虎虎] (im like 99% sure this is what he says) or "mǎ mǎ hǔ hǔ". The literal translation is {horse horse tiger tiger}. It is used to describe something that is neither outstanding nor terrible; just so-so. Or a haphazard management of something. But Xiao most likely meant that  although the ritual arrangement seems haphazard and a bit clumsy, it's still doable and can make do with.

I love that xiao talks so informal then as soon as he starts the ritual he sounds like fucking zhongli. HE'S SOOO RUDE IN ENGLISH I love it. 

[chokemeanakin]

Hi, Im a long time reader of yours from Tokyo, I wonder how would Anakin react to the reader having Brugada Syndrome and when he first witnesses a cardiac arrest, The disease causes major arrhythmias

More info!! 👇🏻

Ugh okay so before we get to the heart attack I definitely think Anakin would be like... full on fckn panic mode if you told him you had a heart condition like this.

He would definitely go straight to the library and start researching it and once he sees “dangerous irregular heartbeat” he probably like shoots his eyes to look at you and oh god he looks like he’s gonna murder someone but really he’s just planning on all the ways he’s gonna have to keep you safe from the world now.

THIS MAN IS SO AFRAID THAT THE PEOPLE HE LOVES WILL DIE. So you can bet your ass he’s going way over the top protective mode, especially because this isn’t something he can really control. It’s a part of you.

So he’ll be watching you like a hawk. Always. And when you’re apart, constant checkups through the com, and if you don’t answer he’s getting Rex and Ahsoka and Obi-Wan to call you too... and if you still don’t answer he’s leaving his post and taking a ship straight to you no matter the consequences. And he’ll get a little mad if you say you were just asleep or didn’t see the messages or something, cause you worried him so bad 😠 but really he’s just relieved that you’re alright 😔😯

If he sees you getting dizzy or if your breathing is off or you’re about to faint, he’ll make you sit down no matter where you are, and if theres nowhere to sit for some reason, he’ll just scoop you up and hold you. And if you do faint, holy shit he’s so scared but its happened before so he knows you’ll wake up, but he just keeps you in his arms and rocks you a little bit and reaches out with the force to feel your heartbeat and kind of coaxes you back a little 🥺 and then he’ll get you anything you need, bring you anywhere you want, do anything you want him to in order to recover from it.

If you’ve got an ICD, he’s always using the force to make sure it’s still working okay. He can fix that shit without even lifting a finger bc he’s good with that kind of stuff, and also it saves you a surgery.

And if you take meds, he’s got a copy of your prescription in his belt at all times in case you forget yours. Always reminding you to take them. It can get annoying but it’s just cause he loves you 💖

But cardiac arrest: oh boy. I think at first he might assume youre fainting again or having a seizure, so he tries to catch you if you fall, sets you down on the ground gently, stays by your side. But you’d mentioned something about “it hurting” and that’s never really happened before... and when he goes to check your heartbeat... it’s not there.

And then he’s just white hot panic for a blinding second. Hands hovering over your body, eyes scanning you up and down, not really sure what to do.

But he’s been trained a little bit in what to do like this during his Padawan years, and also he took a class as soon as he found out you had Brugada Syndrome in case anything like this happened.

So he kind of pushes all of his feelings away for a minute, all of his battlefield focus coming to a head, drowning everything out except the task at hand. And he immediately calls for help, an AED, someone get a medic, etc. and he’s doing chest compressions and rescue breaths and he won’t switch with anyone even if they insist he must be tired because he’s really not, and it would take a whole army to rip him away from you now.

And I think for as long as your heart stops, his does too.

And he’s no thoughts, just action, for as long as it takes. Calling on everything he can until you come back. Probably uses the force in more ways than one, going going going until he feels that little “thump, thump, thump” of your heart starting again.

And then he finally lets the medics take you away, but he’s by your side at every step, and holy shit good luck doing anything else without him on your heels after that...

You scare the poor boy every day, but it really does show how much he loves you. He would probably go darkside for you just sayin 🤷🏼‍♀️

[officialsimppage]

-fate-

Request: hellooo i was wondering if you could do (young) spencer meeting a young, pretty shy med student? (for example she’s 25 and he’s 30 or something) they could meet while investigating a crime scene and keep bumping into each other all the time, eventually getting together. i love fluff so it’d be great if it was cute and all :) hope you have a great day! ❤️

A/N:Hi! Thank you for requesting! I did the best I could and I hope you like it!

Warnings: mentions of case, bad medical talk.

I start my day by opening up a school book. It’s my 3rd year in med school and I have an exam to study for. Yay. To find a way to distract me from my grueling task I turn on the news, hoping to find something interesting. There has been a murder behind Joe’s Bar in town. All we know is that she was a brunette female social worker. Stay safe out there. Holy shit. Joe’s Bar is only a mile from here. I turn off the tv, put on my shoes and head out to the bar to check out the crime scene.

I get to the bar and there is a crowd of people surrounding the police tape. I look and I see, Omg those people are from the freaking FBI! I see their jackets! I am snapped of my thoughts when someone bumps into me,

“Ah! Oh god, I am so sorry I’m just trying to get through.” the man says to me I look up and meet his eyes. Oh. My God. It has got to be the most handsome man I have ever seen. He is about 6’0- 6’1, amber eyes, soft smile, nice eyebrows and a great jawline. I look down and look at the jacket he is wearing. Oh my god he’s a FBI agent! A super cute one too! I always thought FBI agents were old white guys, or badass women. 

“No uh, um, it’s fine! It was my fault I wasn’t paying attention. And It’s really nice because it’s not everyday you bump into a handsome cute man.” I say, stumbling a bit and having trouble making eye contact with the man. Probably blushing a bit.

“Ah no it’s mine as well. I also think you are pretty as well. Really pretty by the way. Also sorry I’m just tired. I was woken up early to work this case. I'm with the Behavioral Analysis Unit in the FBI.” he says scratching his head looking at me. All of me if I might add.

“Thank you and uh of course! You’re an FBI agent! That’s so cool by the way. I’m just a lame med student who’s 26 and barely has a life! But the Behavioral Analysis Unit, that sounds fancy.” I say sarcastically. “What’s your name?” I ask, hoping to get to know him.

“Uh um, I’m Dr. Spencer Reid! Uh also before you ask I am a doctor in mathematics, engineering, and chemistry. Also what you’re doing is- it’s amazing! You’re uh saving lives! Like me! Gah, sorry I forgot to ask what is your name?” He asks after mentally face palming himself. God it’s so cute.

“Im uh future Dr. Y/N Y/L/N! Nice to meet you!” I say while shaking his hand.

“Nice to meet you Y/N.” he says, then somebody in another FBI jacket yells something that I can’t quite hear. “Ah sorry I uh have to go. Nice meeting you Y/N!” he says running away into a SUV. Wow, that was the most awkward and sweet bumping into someone ever. Like ever. I then decide I’ve had enough and start to walk back to campus after I take a detour so it can be a longer walk. Because I am dreading studying for the exam. 

It’s a day after the initial meet up with the cute Dr., and, it’s exam day. My exam is at 10 oclock so I decided to go to my favorite coffee shop to get a nice pick me up before I take an exam that will determine if I need to redo this year. And I am not redoing. I put on my hat because of the chilly Virginia air and I start walking to the coffee shop. When I get there it is decently quiet. I look around and I notice there is one man in line. He is wearing black slacks and a blue dress shirt with short curly brown hair. The man gets his drink and he turns around and- Oh my gosh. It’s the FBI agent from yesterday! 

“Dr. Reid! Hi oh my gosh! It’s you again! How’s it going?” I ask him. He looks up, and looks confused for a second then he smiles and responds with,

“Y/N! Hi! It’s nice to see you um how's it going? Ah sorry I need to answer you first um I’m doing, doing well. This case is not being closed anytime soon.” He stumbles a bit. He looks down at his coffee and looks up at me. He looks tired. Very, very tired.

“I’m doing well! Well, sorta. I have an exam today. Also, it's sad to hear that nothing is going well with these crazy murders.” I say with a chuckle. I look up at him and meet his eyes. Those sweet eyes. 

“You have kind eyes.” I say. Crap! Why did I just say that?

“I um, thank you.” he says looking at his feet fidgeting a bit. Ugh, he probably thinks I’m weird. He probably wants to run out of here and-

“Sorry I’m so awkward, I never really talk to women.” he says looking up at me and looking back down. Oh thank the lord it’s only bad social skills and not him hating my existence. 

“Nah it’s all right, I don't get out much as well.” I say looking up at him. “I’m a med student so all I focus on is how to dissect an aorta! Not talking to cute guys.” I say with a smile to him. He looks up and meets my eyes. And I felt no worries about my exam or anything at all! Then the moment is interrupted by his phone ringing.

“Ah, sorry I have to go. Good luck on your exam!” He says running out of the building. 

“Wait! Can I get your nu-!” damn it. Too late. He is already running down the block. I missed my chance. Yay. That’s always fun. I mean it’s totally like everyday you meet a cute FBI agent that’s your age and keep running into him and have great chemistry. Yeah totally that happens everyday. Gosh, I need to get my mind off him. I’m a med student and I have an exam. I can’t be thinking of cute boys right now. I then order my coffee, get it, and head back to campus to take my exam. 

I sit on a bench outside of my campus dreading 1:00, the time I get my exam answers back. What if I fail? What if I have to keep redoing and redoing and never get to be a doctor? Or a surgeon? What if I never get a good job. All these thoughts keep going through my head and it gives me a headache. I get up and I decide to take a walk around campus. I get around to the main building and. No, it can’t be. This is the 3rd time this week! How is this even possible,

“Y-Y/N?” Spencer says running to me. Oh god. Cute agent alert. 

“Oh hey Spencer! Wha- What are you doing here?” I ask him. Honestly being genuinely confused. I was wondering if he came to see me or if my roommate was like  a serial killer. Eesh- that would not be fun. I do not plan on ending up in a morgue anytime soon. 

“Oh we um found our guy and we were just looking for details on him. He was a janitor here.” He says looking at me. 

“Oh god he worked here? Like I could have seen him before?” I say, shocked. I could have walked past a serial killer. Wow. 

“Yeahh probably,” he says then he looks up at me and sighs. “Look Y/N, I think you’re really pretty. Andd I really like you and I’ve been to awkward to tell you because I think you’ll reject me because I’m lanky and-” I pull him in and I kiss him. Kiss him. I kiss a freakin FBI agent. Its soft, letting him know I get the memo. We pull away smiling and he asks,

“Would you like to uh um, go on a date? Tomorrow? At 7? I- I can pick you up!” He says hopefully, praying to the gods I say yes.

“Yes Spencer, that would be lovely.” I say pulling him in for another soft kiss. We pull away with our noses touching and I say,

“I think the universe wanted us to date so that’s why we kept seeing each other.”I say smiling.

“Yeah it probably was fate.” he says staring into me eyes.

“Yeah, maybe it was.” 

[helisol]

Wait so.. link to this quodo fic you mentioned in your tags?? I’m intrigued :DD

its only an idea but i will HAPPILY ramble about it in detail under this read more because i never finish writing fics but i do love sharing my notes.

they get Pretty Extensive considering this clocked in at 2k words. so strap in.

tl;dr: karaoke night gone wild leads to garashir and quodo setting each other up for holodeck shenanigans

so basically quark has acquired a karaoke program. everyone on ds9 is going mad about it and it's keeping the holosuites booked out for weeks

the main squad decides to try it out and they just jam to a mix of human, klingon and bajoran music. but lets be real it's mostly human music because i have a mighty need to see captain benjamin sisko tear up the dancefloor to Earth Wind & Fire’s September. so sue me.

anyway everyone has to sing, even odo, even garak and they all have a blast. the only person who is notably absent is Quark because Quark has a bar to run and Quark can't indulge in mindless fun activities when he has money to make.

Unless… Odo challenges him and he has to prove that Odo is wrong.

so yeah quark checks on the gang to see how they like this “Hooman Kara-oke” and if he can sell them some drinks and everyone is like “hey you should sing. just one song. we won't even laugh about your bad ferengi singing! we promise!"

and quark is about to say "ferengi voices arent that bad. im still not gonna sing tho."

but odo is ahead of the game and insults his grating voice and how it could only be worse in song. and because this is quark he’s like “actually fuck you. now I WILL sing.”

so he snatches the mic from whoever was about to go next and fucking Crushes It. 

while odo starts Looking Respectfully everyone else is just going "woooooo! go quark!" which makes quark just get even more into it

Takes His Jacket Off, Drops It On The Floor, Dances With The Microphone Stand. The Works. and he's also enjoying himself like "haha! suck it odo! i'm a good performer, it's how I make money!"

until he actually looks at Odo and Odo is Looking Back and then he’s like “wait what the fuck why is he looking at me” and Promptly Messes Up A Step And Falls Off The Stage-

so now quark has a twisted ankle and julian has to take him to the infirmary, which bums out quite literally Everyone and the gathering disperses, leaving only Garak and Odo.

garak as we know is but a simple tailor, but he’s Observant and his little lizard eyes did spy odo looking at quark and making the soup-version of heart eyes. we also know he is the gayest bicth on this station so of course he’s going to poke and prod at odo to see how he reacts.

garak waits until everyone is out of the room and asks odo if he can walk the dear constable home to the ol’ bucket. because odo looked a little melty during quark’s performance, y’know. it’d be bad if he turned into soup on the promenade.

odo denies this, of course, so garak is like “oh great then we can have a Chat :)”

and odo goes "wait no i hate talking” but then they’re in garaks shop and drinking kanar and garak is getting drunk off his lizard ass and talking about Julian because, again, he IS THAT BITCH!

meanwhile in the infirmary, Julian is trying to take care of quark’s ankle, but since he’s nosy and kinda Knows that quark wouldn’t just mess up his steps for no reason he asks about that.

and quark loudly goes “NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS JUST FIX MY DAMN ANKLE-”

which of course turns the nosyness up to 11 and has julian going 👀

"no i mean uh- i was distracted" "distracted? by what?" "nothing" "distracted by nothing?" "FIX. MY. ANKLE."

so julian sits him down on a biobed and gets whatever medical thingie fixes ankles in the 24th century. and while he does that he offers quark some wine to loosen the tongue about what made him slip.

anyway one thing leads to another and before you know it quark and julian are wine-drunk sitting on the infirmary floor and talking about garak. which suits quark just fine because it means he doesn’t have to admit he fell because odo was looking at him like he just revealed all the secrets of the universe along with his bare arms when he took off his jacket.

so we have two sets of gay idiots getting drunk in two locations and the next morning two sets of gay idiots have hangovers. yes odo gets a hangover. being soup does not exempt him from it.

julian and odo do the right, logical thing and take some meds to go to work and be productive and garak shows up in the bar to fight fire with fire and finds quark Already Doing That. 

so they just sit next to each other, beating their hangovers with more alcohol, and they get to talking.

garak goes on about how he took odo home and pretty much only talked about julian all night and quark is like “wow what a coincidence, the doctor and i only talked about you all night.” 

and it's all downhill from there because basically quark and garak just figured out that the garashir pining is Mutual.

"wait, julian was looking at me???" "yes." "AND I WAS LOOKING AT JULIAN-" "Yes."

and then they hash out this elaborate scheme to trap julian and garak in one of the Spy holosuite programs until they make out. this is garak and quark planning. how could they NOT make an elaborate scheme involving holosuites.

anyway i promised quodo so i will keep the ‘garashir makes out in the holosuite’ section a lil more brief

so within the next two days these two gay bitches whip up a new “The Adventures Of Agent Bashir” program, but quark has ‘adjusted’ the program a little so that it only ends when the main characters kiss. fun stuff.

garak and julian go through the program, havin a blast being spies, but at the end garak’s character gets “shot”, and they are so immersed in the story that julian is Actually Concerned and garak Actually Acts like he's in pain.

they kiss, the program ends, and garak- not actually shot- goes “haha gotcha, you wanted to kiss me before i died” 

so they walk out the holosuite one hour after their time is already up with a lot of hickeys and untied bowties. hooray.

But That’s Not What We’re Here For.

after garak and julian come down from the high of getting together julian asks Just How and Why quark would agree to help with this. quark Never helps Unless he’s helping himself.

and they realised Quark Has Played Them Like Cheap Kazoos. he just wanted to take attention away from himself and the unanswered question of why he suddenly fell off the stage.

so they go "wait, if odo and quark were both lying and obscuring facts and being weird about this, doesn't that mean- ohhh"

and it boils down to them deciding to help those poor fuckers because they are apparently off even worse than they were in terms of mutual pining.

they also hash out an elaborate scheme. this time it involves odo’s never ending hard on for finding reasons to throw quark into jail.

since quark technically violated the holosuite rules by locking garak and julian in there garak goes over to odo to report the “Crime”

after some back and forth about Why In The World Garak, Friend And Tailor, would report a crime to odo that doesn’t affect anyone’s safety Odo heads to the bar to investigate the holosuites and if there really was criminal activity.

he doesn’t ask quark for permission, mostly because he’d never ask permission to snoop around in quark’s property but also because quark is actually not there at the moment. for Some Reason he’s being held up in the infirmary. Weird.

so odo is looking through the holosuite recordings of the last few days, and he runs through what garak said was the illegal activity of locking them in there and just goes "Ah, alright, i can throw him in a holding cell for that.” but then he sees a message left by garak.

it was apparently left there today so garak must have prepared this which means something is afoot. and the message just reads "the karaoke session was recorded and you might wanna check what Actually™ made quark trip :)"

to which odo reacts with "hmph. why should i care. maybe hes just messing with me and quark tripped over a cable." but Odo looks at it anyway. respectfully.

and he watches the whole performance up until the point where quark falls. Multiple Times. until he remembers that this is a criminal investigation and he finally looks at the part where he falls from quark’s perspective, which is the important one.

and he just. looks right at himself. looking at quark.

and holy shit. he looked at him like he was going to shove him against a wall, not to beat him up, but to make out with him. he straight up looked like he was going to mess him up but not with his fists.

so he stands right in front of quark and replays that moment to see quark’s reaction and analyse how he fell. and sure enough quark Saw Him and his knees gave out.

after that he really just wants to walk out and spend the next 30 hours as a houseplant to cleanse his mind of any quark-related thoughts but uh oh. when he opens the holosuite door Quark Is Right There.

and odo panics and just pulls him inside, accidentally re-initiating the spy program.

“But how did Quark happen to be there at just the right time?” i hear you ask well it was OUR MAN BASHIR

while garak was at odos place telling him to investigate quark’s wrongdoings, quark himself got called to the infirmary for a check-up on his twisted ankle.

and julian kept him there, examining his ankle over and over, until garak came in to Insinuate that Someone is snooping around in the holosuites.

so quark, yelling "NO COPS IN MY BAR", hurries over to the holosuites on his totally fine ankle and bada bing bada boom, here we are.

with two idiots stuck in a locked holosuite.

odo is like "QUARK WTF" meanwhile quark is like "ODO WTF"

"YOU LOCKED US IN A HOLOSUITE" "NO YOU LOCKED US IN A HOLOSUITE" ”well it was you who pulled me in here" "but it was you who designed it like this"

anyway to get out they have to go through the program somehow. quark and garak programmed this very carefully. unless they follow the general story, there’s no way out.

and at first quark says "listen, its okay, we just have to kiss" to which odo replies with that kinda look you’d get from someone if you told them to swallow a cactus whole, for fun.

"you heard me" "quark if this is a joke-" "its not. i made rom pull an all nighter to put in the new sensors." "you paid him for this???" "no." "right of course."

and after a very quick cheek kiss doesn’t end up doing the trick the two actually go through the program properly. except quark knows the script, cheats a little, takes shortcuts and totally doesnt impress odo by shooting a few hologram guards on the way.

so they get to the end, where they believe odo is supposed to get “shot”, but turns out they mixed up the roles and quark is the one who gets shot.

And Odo Doesn’t Know. The Safeties. Are. On.

so he tearfully goes "WAIT NO- QUARK!" and quark is like "odo...odo come closer..."

"yes, quark?"

"kiss me"

"quark please dont die i'll kiss you and we'll beam you straight to the infirmary and-" "ODO JUST KISS ME"

and then they kiss. the holosuite controls unlock and quark thinks ‘oh great, now we can leave-’ but odo doesnt stop kissing him

and he doesn’t Stop kissing him until quark actually speaks up and has to go "HEY IF THIS WERE REAL I’D BE DYING BY NOW-"

"what?" "the safeties are on. I didn’t get shot. you just had to kiss me to unlock the controls-"

and odo is like "QUARK"

and quark is like "ODO"

and then odo gets up and is very convinced that he Must Turn Into A Houseplant For A Ferengi Lifespan To Atone For His Sins.

but quark says “no, wait. can you do it again?”

"yelling at you?" "kissing me."

anyway odo finally gets to fulfill his fantasy of pushing quark against a wall and quark finally gets kissed by odo like hes dreamed of for like 15 years or however long ago it was that they were first on terok nor together during the cardassian occupation.

the end.