#its more complicated than my parents because we were close yknow

[caffeinatedopossum]

Just remembered that the person I kept telling myself didn't abuse me was the same person who, when I came home with broken arm one night, made me wait until the next day to take me to the ER

[tfw-no-tennis]

animorphs!!!

ok I read animorphs when I was 10 or 11 I think? and I only read it once, along w/the spinoffs and stuff, and I've always meant to revisit it...SO HERE I AM....

and oh MAN I forgot how good this series is. like I knew it was good but some things from your childhood don't hold up yknow? especially books aimed at younger audiences

but oh boy does animorphs hold up. they're easy to read and perfectly balance the line between dark/adult topics and more kid-friendly lessons. excellent 

so yeah I'm loving it so far. I forgot how fast some stuff happens lmao, like I forgot that tobias gets trapped as a bird in the FIRST BOOK 

also I just adore how realistically disorganized/confused the animorphs are. like, they got the elevator pitch version of the conflict from elfangor before my mans got eaten, and also they're middle schoolers. of course they’re always just like ‘wtf do we even do’ 

so like...their plans mostly don't work. and even when planning they run into tons of logistical issues w/morphing, traveling, communicating etc. 

and I love how they clearly need to maintain their normal lives as well in order not to raise any suspicion 

and I like the little details like them not spending all their time together at school because they didn’t before so that would be suspicious

oh man and I love the different family dynamics in the series. you have jake, whose family seems pretty normal until we find out that tom is a controller, and rachel, whose parents are divorced, and who has to deal w/the complications of that. and then cassie, who is an only child (I like that we have a mix, with rachel and jake having siblings), and of course marco...

iirc marco was one of my favs (if not my fav, but its hard to choose) back in the day, and I forgot how reluctant he was to participate in the animorphs thing...and the fact that he was about to quit the team and then runs into visser 1.....

another fucked up little moment I liked - when they morphed dolphin and marco had to morph back to human bc he gets injured and he was like ‘I cant swim, and my mom drowned, I don't want to die like she did’ I was like oooof

also on that topic I adore how little the animorphs know about how anything works. like they once wondered if there's a limit to how many morphs they can acquire and they were basically like ‘idk guess we’ll find out’ 

and then when marco got injured as a dolphin and they were like ‘morph back I guess and hopefully you'll be okay?’ like damn luckily that worked 

basically these books do The Most Excellent Job showing that these are just kids. like they're literally in jr high which is 90s speak for middle school....they're like 13???? at most???

and the narrative reflects that perfectly!! all of them, even rachel who is pretty much the most gung-ho about fighting and stuff, have nightmares and all these terrible experiences bc they don't have basically any guidance 

and even with ax, it’s immediately obvious that he’s also just a kid, even though he’s this deadly alien....

also oh mannnn I love so much how we’re introduced to the andalites as this heroic race and how that slowly changes over the course of the story 

like, when elfangor introduces himself as ‘prince’ you assume he’s part of the andalite monarchy - but later we find out that ‘prince’ is a military rank, and the andalites are a lot more militaristic than we would assume at the beginning 

its so fantastic how it starts off as a fairly black and white conflict of andalites = good guy aliens and yeerks = bad guy aliens

and you even have some background stuff going on w/the taxxons being controllers by choice, and the hork-bajir being enslaved 

but as the story goes on, all of those lines get blurred in different ways...

also ooof the poor hork-bajir. I always felt so bad for them. it’s crazy that even in the first book, the animorphs are killing their enemies - at least I inferred that in book 1, but it becomes way more overt later on...the tough situation of them knowing that the hork-bajir are unwilling hosts but that they’re so dangerous that not killing them could be fatal to the good guys

and ngl this time around I have a lot more sympathy for the yeerks, even tho they don't really deserve it (at least in the early parts of the story where I am rn)

like...they're just these blind helpless slug creatures, but they're also fully sentient and intelligent? like, that's so fucked up. imagine yourself as you are now, but you're just a sensory deprived slug swimming in a pool. that's pretty fucked. and then the fact that the yeerks are biologically made to be parasites...its kinda no wonder that they ended up the way they are (and it also makes stuff like the yeerk peace movement really compelling)

also wow I kinda forgot about all the body horror w/the morphing. like ik that's one of the things that animorphs is known for but like. I forgot how much it happens and how creative the horrifying descriptions are. I love it

and omfg so when I first read this series the ellimist stuff confused me a lot bc I didn't read the books That closely (I mostly wanted to see what would happen next) but I loooove time travel bullshit so I’m really enjoying it so far

even tho tbh I think even if I had paid more attention as a 10 yr old I still would've been confused bc the ellimist stuff is kinda just inherently confusing lmao 

ok and I just love the characters,,,I love that the books switch perspectives, and KAA did such a masterful job of portraying differing and realistic reactions to their situation....like, all the animorphs react so differently to their circumstances, but their reactions are all so grounded in realism and also their personalities 

like man I love rachel. she was one of my favs as a kid too bc I always loved female characters and she was just so cool. and she still is, and so excellently written too 

liiiike the fact that even though she’s so tough and brave, she’s still a kid and has plenty of moments when she’s scared or uncertain...

and I just really like the fact that she out of all of them is the one who’s tough and loves to fight...and the fact that she also unapologetically loves shopping and stuff like that...its about the multifaced characters

just like how marco is the ‘funny guy’ but they make it very clear from the beginning that this is his way of coping w/shit like his family falling apart, and then alien BS 

and also marco is really smart? I kinda forgot abt that (sorry marco) but I like that bc that's uncommon to see with ‘funny’ characters

oh mannnn and ax. I love ax. I forgot a whole bunch about the early stuff w/him and how conflicted he was w/keeping secrets from the other animorphs

KAA did such a fantastic job w/ax - he really comes across as the perfect mix of ‘fish out of water alien’ and ‘young teen/tween’ and ‘alien from a strict militaristic society who is in training to become a soldier like his famous older brother’ 

n that was so sad n fucked up when he called the andalite home world and had to tell everyone (including his parents) that elfangor died, and then the elders or w/e forced ax to take blame for elfangor breaking their laws in order to preserve elfangor’s postmortem reputation, even at the cost of ax’s career/life :( 

and man I loved the part where ax is like ‘well, we didn't help the hork-bajir even tho we could have and now they're all enslaved. I'm not letting that happen to the humans’ and the council or w/e is like ‘well you should let it happen, don't interfere’ and ax basically realizes oh shit sometimes adults are wrong 

basically I love the conflict there, where the andalites are the ones who gave the yeerks the technology that led to them spreading across the galaxy like a disease, and now fight to stop them due to their guilt, but also refuse to directly help the less advanced species who are being invaded by the yeerks for fear of making a similar mistake like w/the yeerks....

ooooof and the part where ax is like ‘guess I have to go fight visser 3 and die’ :( he’s just a babyyyy

and augh when alloran asks them to kill him....geeeez there’s so much fucked up stuff already and I'm not even in the double digits yet 

oh my god and the brutally awful fact that any freed controller will just get tracked down by the yeerks and murdered so the secret invasion stays secret...and the animorphs think that by destroying the kandrona they've freed a bunch of controllers but really they just signed their death warrants - what a catch 22

oh and I love how even early on the yeerks aren't a completely unified force - we have the obvious rivalry w/visser 1 and visser 3, with visser 1 even arranging the animorphs release from visser 3′s prison bc of this, and that yeerk who told ax where to find visser 3 because he was pissed that his yeerk gf got killed by visser 3 - even though the reason she was killed was due to kandrona rationing, which was caused by the animorphs...i love the layers 

ok what else. oh yeah I love tobias sm, he was one of my favs as a kid too, his whole story is so deeply tragic but also interesting and we haven't even gotten into all the stuff w/his parents yet

the part where he’s freaking out as a hawk and he’s gonna fly into the windows even tho he knows it’ll probably kill him...christttt

also tobias and rachel are so romance aughhhh

ok also jake - he was never my favorite when I was younger bc I felt like he had Basic Protag Man Syndrome but now I can appreciate his character a lot more. like, he basically got elected the leader and he’s kinda like ‘guess I have to do this now.’ and that of course ends up fucking him up majorly in the long run bc even tho he’s more serious and responsible, he’s still just a kid too

and I loooove the horror of finding out that tom is a controller, and jake having to contend w/the fact that it’s very likely that he’ll have to fight and/or kill his brother someday 

also the book where jake gets infested w/a yeerk was one of my favs and still is. so fucked up and interesting. the fact that that yeerk was previously tom’s made it even more fucked, w/the yeerk taunting jake the whole time

and then the yeerk dying in jakes head...so messed up

omg and cassie too. I love cassie. I didn't appreciate her as much when I was younger bc I was a straightforward kid who liked action, and cassie is all about pacifism when possible and compassion, which I love a lot now that I Get it more. 

cassie being such a gentle person but still fighting in this fucked up war bc doing nothing would be worse is super compelling. plus the conflicts with her having to figure out where she and humanity fit in the circle of life and whatnot is great

I loved the contrast of her being very aware of how nature works bc of working w/her parents and all these injured animals, but also being so compassionate that it still bothers her to see death and especially participate in it 

like her feeling awful about killing the termite queen even tho its ‘just a bug’ and stuff

basically what makes the series great isn't that it’s got all these fucked up moments and horror elements and is overall quite dark - it’s that all of it comes together to make the point that war is hell, and child soldiers are gonna end up traumatized pretty much no matter what happens

it’s a very strong message, and the story never feels like it’s being dark just for the sake of being dark, but rather never letting the reader forget how awful things are

TL;DR: anirmorphs is to the YA genre what hunter x hunter is to the shounen genre

in animorphs, the heroes of the story are kids who get cool powers and get to fight aliens - in any other YA story they would have a bunch of fun adventures and come out on top most/all the time - things might get darker towards the end, but good would prevail. the evil yeerks would be stopped, and the main couples would get married and have kids and live happily ever after. 

however, war isn't like that, especially when the soldiers are kids. so instead we get animorphs, and it’s brutally realistic. they barely ever get to enjoy their powers - on the rare occasion that they get to, something usually goes horribly wrong

compare to hxh - it seems like a regular shounen story about kids participating in a fantastical mostly-adult world and being able to match the adults bc they're Special - but as the story wears on it becomes clear that the kids are just very traumatized. this all leads to gon’s berserker collapse in the chimera ant arc, which is led up to masterfully w/a bunch of adults treating gon as an adult even though he’s a child.

essentially the same thing happens in animorphs - with jake being shoved into the leader role and becoming a military general as a kid, which leads to him committing horrific war crimes because he’s been put in a position no child should ever have to be in

similarly, kurapika has what would be a very straightforward revenge plotline in any other story - but this is hxh, so the bad guys aren't just 2-dimensional evil caricatures, and the road to revenge just leads kurapika to ruin. we root for kurapika to win bc they’re a character we like, but it becomes clearer and clearer as the story goes on that getting revenge is not the path kurapika should be taking

nothing is ever as straightforward as we want it to be, basically. and the same applies to animorphs. so many times they're faced with conflicts that seem to have an obvious answer, only for it to be revealed later that the choices they made led to other unforeseen awful consequences

ok i need to stop rambling this is already super long. basically: animorphs good. I’ll probably do another post like this semi-soon as I continue reading (I'm partway thru book 10 now)

[hopeymchope]

So, I'm trying to understand this, from a person who has next to no knowledge on the series. What exactly is going on with Attack on Titan? And I'm more than willing to read a long rant if it means I get an explanation.

If you’re wondering why the tag for the manga blew up in recent weeks, that’s one specific thing - a character “death” (or at least, character-serious-injury) that’s got fans freaking out.

If you’re wondering why everything has been sucking for like two straight years of manga and people like me keep making very salty posts about it, that’s a whole other topic.

And that’s what I’m gonna cover in this rant: How Attack on Titan has been shitting its own bed for more than a year now.

Basic Setup: Attack on Titan takes place in a world where the remnants of humanity live in a walled city. The city’s walls protect them from gigantic, grotesque “Titans” who attempt to devour people on sight.

…but naturally, as the story went on, it got way more complicated.

Most of the problems with the manga began circa the time-skip (which is also where the Anime is going to catch up to once the current season 3 is finished). Rarely has there ever been a time-skip in fiction that’s been wonderfully received, but the four-year gap between “Return to Shanganshima” and the “Marley” arc has to be one of the worst.

But the whole crash-and-burn kind of starts right before the time-skip, when we first learn the name “Marley,” begin to learn the true origin of Titans, and uncover true enemy opposing our heroes via a forced flashback. For the purposes of this little essay, let’s just put all of the Marley-related information into one big collection - I’m not gonna separate the last couple chapters pre-timeskip from all the tons we’ve had afterwards. All things dealing with the aforementioned “enemy” will just go into one big fuckpile.

SO. The time-skip jumped forward fouryears into an arc that lasted almost a year without letting us see any of our established protagonists. Instead, we follow… the enemy I just mentioned.

And since Attack on Titan begins and goes for most of its duration without any clear enemies outside of “TEH TITANS” and “general assholes within the system,” this is where I have to put a spoiler cut.

A Rant on Titan

So the enemy of the characters we know so far is Marley, the actual source of the titans. The world isn’t destroyed at all, naturally. Our heroes just live in one isolated place on the planet, which is forced to be surrounded by Titans because Marley shoved them into that walled city and then created Titans on the regular.

Marley is a nation of………………

…*SIGH*…

okay, look. I could try to call Marley  a “Nazi Germany allegory,” but the allegory is so thin that they’re basically just incredibly overt Nazis. They’re a military-focused nation of incredible genetic pride where purity is celebrated and where one particular race - a group of both different genetic descendancy than them AND of different religious beliefs - are treated as inferior garbage. The Marley government sees “Eldians” as disposable. They are forced to wear armbands with stars on their arms (YES, REALLY) to identify them in public, and they also make them lived in fenced-off, separate communities.

Marley’s science experiments on Eldians (yup, they tossed that in, too) resulted in the creation of the TITANS. It turns the Eldians into mindless prisoners of their own bodies who grow in size, deform, try to eat people instinctively, and long only for their own deaths.

If they made a third AOT video game, it’d have to be something like this. …. So maybe we shouldn’t.

ANYWAY. During this Marley story arc, we mostly follow child soldiers. They’re of “low birth” because of their race. They chose to enter military service in exchange for having their families treated like regular human beings one day, if they earn their way to become titan-shifters. Nevermind that titan-shifters all die within seven years because of the power of turning into a titan - it’s worth it to raise their family’s status beyond just your regular Jews Eldians, right? Nevermind that they’d never really be seen as equals. Even those who have elevated their own rank by becoming shifters are shown to still be subject to some snark and disdain,but yknow - you were just born that way, so you’re shitty regardless, right?

Through this horrific scenario, we follow a few kids in particular - most notably Falco, who is gradually seeing reality and realizing how they don’t deserve to be treated like shit and that this is all a work - and Gabi, who is becoming increasingly militant and more zealous over time.

RELEVANT SIDE NOTE: Gabi’s character design is based upon a sketch Isayama once did of a gender-shfited Eren Jeager (Eren Jaeger is the main protagonist of the series). For that reason, you might be inclined ot think that Gabi is some kind of alternate/parallel Eren.

Except that’s fucking ridiculous, of course!

Gabi is shown to only care about her own rage against the people within the walls of “Paradis” (the sarcastic name for the walled city where all of our heroes come from) above ALL else. She doesn’t care about her family at all, never noticing her brother’s suicidal tendencies and pain even as Falco is acutely aware of it. The fact that her parents are pained by her following her brother’s dark path to becoming a shifter. She doesn’t notice or care. The more evidence that is put in front of her that the other side might not be as evil as she thinks? That just makes her want to commit murder MORE.

Oh, and she DOES murder people. And try to murder more. A lot. She even successfully murders a fan-favorite character - a character who shows her mercy by pointing a gun at her, seeing she’s only a child, and opting to let her live. Gabi repays this mercy by shooting that character in the back later and boasting excitedly about it to anyone who will listen for multiple chapters in a row.

She then tries to top that by attempting to murder that character’s little adopted sister, who is like, maybe 10 years old, tops? Gabi is then protected from harm by Mikasa and now seems to be on the path towards some kind of “redemption arc” because… uh…………..

………………..because Isayama is shitty?

By contrast, Eren struggles throughout the ENTIRE NARRATIVE to bring harm to people who betray him/those he cares about or those who try to kill him/those he cares about, but often runs into incredible challenges when fighting these douchenozzles. The entire time we followed Eren up until now, he always prioritized his family and friends above EVERYTHING. He would risk ANYTHING to protect them and his comrades in the Paradis military… this was true from when he was a young boy at the start of the story up through him being a young man at this point. And he is ESPECIALLY intense about protecting his closest friends, Armin and Mikasa, who he’s known for nearly his entire life. They grew up together.

That’s set in fucking stone for like 90 chapters, so we’re good. Yeah?

Oh, sweet summer child. Perhaps you were so unprepared for Isayama’s Nazi mallet that you didn’t see his secondary weapon coming?

See, the post-timeskip Eren treats his friends like shit. He lies to them, betrays their trust, runs off and starts a literal war on his OWN, and then tells them how much he hates them. Claims he always hated them.

So in the course of just a couple chapters, he goes from saying this:

To swiftly saying THIS:

Note that devastated look in her eyes. Wonderful.

And yes, he’s GOT to be lying, because I don’t think Isayama would juxtapose those two scenes so closely together in some unwitting fashion. But he’s doing so much damage to them by now that I honestly don’t even know if it matters?

Take Hange.

She’s the intelligent leader of the team, the one who always has a wild, unlikely plan. She’s a science whiz and comes up with longshot plans that always seem to weirdly… work out.

We’re told that, three years ago, she was presented a plan to overthrow Marley by Zeke - a fucking bastard who is clearly a member of the enemy, he’s lived with them his whole life, as a child he betrayed his parents to them and had them executed for being disloyal to Marley, and he’s killed COUNTLESS comrades of our heroes - and Hange decided Zeke’s plan was the only possible option and came up with no alternatives for four years. So she made them ally up with the least trustworthy person IMAGINABLE for a terrible plan,b because Hange’s… a stupid sucker now, I guess.

And why is it a terrible plan — aside from the fact that there is literally zero reason to ever believe anything Zeke says to you, since he’s the most evil fucker in the world? Oh, because it hinges HEAVILY around forcing another member of the team — Historia — into a pregnancy to churn out a baby they intend to use for the country’s gain.

Historia’s big character arc in “Attack on Titan” has been her coming to terms with her own identity and OWNING it. She’s been hiding under another identity or been controlled by other people much of her life. She finally comes out under her true name, declares that she’ll never leave in fear or be maniuplated ever again, and then—

… oh wait.. she’s manipulated into being barefoot and pregnant against her own wishes, because their greatest enemy asked for it.

There’s a lot to hate about the post-”Return to Shinganshima” Attack on Titan, in short. From characters becoming inversions of themselves to full fanatical Nazis being treated like redemption babies to complete destruction of self-actualization of other characters and the fact that, even if this is part of some larger plan being manipulated by multiple players (which seems likely), it still won’t really make up for much of the damage… and for that matter, how plausible would it even be?

But basically, there’s going to have to be quite an 11th-hour ass-pull to make this turn out decently in my eyes by now. And that’s not IMPOSSIBLE.

But it’s looking pretty unlikely.

[deepdaleducks]

Bad Day/Good Day

This is dedicated to our girl @forza-atleti It seems like she’s had a rough day so I thought she could use some Jesse love. Everyone go send her love because she treats us so well. Oh and listen to this song bc I love it ❤❤

He senses it as soon as you come through the door. Bag dropped angrily on the floor, shoes left out in the hallway. He senses it because he knows you. Because he was there when you were teenagers and you would fight with your parents. Because he was there when you failed your driving test after a car cut you up. Because he’s been there for years. And so he just knows its been a bad day by the way you don’t bother to call out his name to announce your return home. The way you pad straight to the kitchen and flick on the kettle with more force than necessary. The way you don’t make a sound as you stare out the kitchen window blankly.

He knows not to press you, not to ask. Instead, he creeps upstairs, pulls your favourite hoodie and sweats from his wardrobe, and places them on the counter beside you in silence. He watches as you pour the water in the mug and add a splash of milk. Watches as you take off your work clothes and throw them in a heap on the floor next to the utility door. Watches you stand there in your underwear in the middle of the kitchen, dragging your hands over your face in frustration.

And he stops himself. Stops himself from pulling you into his arms. Stops himself from telling you how beautiful you are. How he would kiss every inch of your skin given the chance. How he would love you the way you deserve to be loved. He falters when you look at him, hair cascading over your face, his hoodie in your hands, a simple “stop looking at me like that” falling from your lips.

“You wanna talk about it?” He asks cautiously, his sweats now comfortably sitting on your hips, hoodie drowning your torso.

“No” You reply, sipping from your tea. And he lets a silence fall for a while as he sits across from you at the breakfast bar. He doesn’t pressure you or ask any more questions. He just takes in your movements. Takes note of the way your hands hold the mug. How your lips curl up at the warmth of your drink. How you move across the room to put the milk back in the fridge.

“That dickhead at work was giving me shit all day.” He hears you say into the fridge. “God, my mother wasn’t half right when she said you shouldn’t get romantically involved with co-workers, or friends for that matter.” You don’t see the way his face falls when you say the words. “I just wish I had never slept with him, yknow? Like we were friends and it was great. Then I had to go fucking sleep with him. And now everything’s a mess because we’re not sleeping together anymore. He’s being such a shit about it.” He lets you ramble away, pacing round the kitchen grabbing a plate and snacks. “Maybe I should just start sleeping with him again.”

“No, don’t do that” He says quickly. Almost too quickly. So he continues before you can notice. Before you interpret his words the way he means them. “I mean you said yourself you shouldn’t get romantically involved with co-workers. Surely sleeping with him again would just make things more complicated than they already are.”

“Yeah I guess you’re right.” You say, looking at him as he looks at you a little differently to normal. “Oh and you know to top it all off? I’m pretty certain I’m gonna get sacked.”

He slams his hand down on the counter in shock. “What? How can they sack you? You’re like the back bone of that place.”

“I don’t know. I’m just not getting the best vibe from the bosses. They’re on my back for not doing my job properly when I’m doing the best I can. I’ve been working double time since the other manager quit, so I’m spread thin as it is. I think I might just quit before they get the chance to fire me, just so I have the satisfaction of walking away.” You muse, swirling your tea around the mug.

“What are you gonna do?” He mumbles. He’s worried. Worried you’ll leave. Worried all this will end. The living together. The coming home to each other.

“I have no idea. Maybe I should just go live with my parents for a bit. Get some space from it all.” The words shatter him. All his worst fears coming true as you speak.

“What and just leave me to live alone?” He says, trying to make it seem like a joke.

“Not like you can’t afford to live alone like, Jess.” He follows you as you walk into the living room, slouching on the couch beside you.

“Yeah but I don’t live alone because I can’t afford it. I don’t live alone because I like to live with you.” Because I love you, he omits.

“So, I stay. Then what? I’m unemployed. If I go home, I can just work for my dad for a bit before I find something else.” It’s not a solid plan, but it’s a plan, nonetheless. It would mean going against everything you had wanted. It would mean moving out of Manchester. It would mean not seeing Jesse every day.

“And just admit defeat? Do you seriously think I’m going to let you do that? You’re my best friend and you’re crazy if you think I’m going to let you give up that easily.” He says, reaching out a hand to hold yours in support. His eyes warm yours, causing them to light up a little for the first time all day.

“Thanks, Jess.” You reply, telling him you’re going to head upstairs and shower off the day.

When you return, you find him in the kitchen. He’s cooking your favourite meal, the one your mother always makes. He asked her for the recipe once. Calling her in his free time on a Wednesday. Going round to her house on the Sunday to learn her methods. It’s the one thing he knows how to cook, and he only does it occasionally. Whenever you’ve had a bad day or you’re feeling under the weather. He knows that you love it. He knows that it means the world to you.

He plates it up on the fancy china, the stuff exclusively reserved for when your parents visit, and lights a candle on the centre of the table. Low acoustic music coming through the speakers, you sit and eat together, shared bottle of wine and pepper grinder between you. You eat in silence, speaking sporadically to compliment him on the food.

“You know, if you’re worried about finding work, I can put in a word for you at United.” He mutters across the table. He’s suggested it at several times in the past. Every time you would come home complaining about your job, he’d say ‘just quit, I can get you a job at United’. And you would say ‘no, I can’t just take a job that you get me because of who you are, I have to earn it.’ He would argue that that isn’t how it would look. That you would get the job on your merit, on your abilities, and not just because you were his best friend. But you were far too worried about what people would say, what people would think, to let him do it.

“Jess, thanks for offering, but you know what the press were saying when we started living together. I don’t need all my mother’s friends from book club reading that I got my new job because I’m sleeping with one of the players.” Your words shut him up and he clears his throat nervously. In response, you lower your eye line, focusing on your plate. “Imagine how funny that would be. Everyone in my hometown thinking I’m sleeping with you.” And you don’t realise the venom in your words as you say them. You don’t think about how untrue they are. How much hurt they’re going to cause them. And you panic as he responds.

“Would that really be so terrible?” He follows with a scrape of his chair against the tiles. He empties the rest of his plate into the bin, washing it under the tap quickly.

“You know what I mean, Jesse.” He notices your use of his full name. Exclusively saved for serious situations. For when you’re angry at him or when you’re begging for forgiveness. For when he’s getting himself down or when you’re tired after a long day.

“No I don’t.” He says bitterly. Pushing past you to head back to the living room. He hears your feet follow his, but he doesn’t turn around. He throws his body on the couch and reaches for the remote, ignoring you the way you’re now ignoring your dinner, all your attention on him.

“God, you do. We’re best friends. We live together. Sleeping together would just make things awkward between us.” You try to get him to agree, to see your point of view but he doesn’t. He focuses on the television in front of him, some nonsense show playing that you know he has no interest in.

“That’s not what you said though. You weren’t talking about how it would be for us. You were talking about how everyone else would see it.” He keeps his eyes forward, face expressionless.

It clicks inside your head. Earlier he quickly told you not to start sleeping with your colleague again. He told you not to go back to your parent’s house. He told you to stay with him. And now he’s upset that you joked about sleeping with him.

You’re flashing back to so many moments throughout your friendship. The time he was your date to your brother’s wedding and your grandma commented on how much of a wonderful couple you were. His face when you had said, “no grandma, we’re not a couple, we’re just friends”. The first time he woke up to find your colleague in your kitchen on a Tuesday morning and all the times after that. His snide comments and lack of ability to make anyone but himself a brew despite there being three of you in the kitchen. The time you both got drunk at Marcus’ birthday and got a little too close in the taxi home. The morning after when he woke up and could barely look at you, your lips a little sensitive and your missing memories of how you got home. All the pieces fall together.

“Jesse, will you just look at me.” You demand reaching out for his hand to get his attention. He flinches slightly at your touch. Slowly, he turns his head to look at you, eyes sad and low and never fully meeting yours. “Do you love me?” You ask, stumbling over your words slightly.

“’Course I love you.” He replies. You know he’s not saying it the way you mean. You know he’s still got his defences up.

“Okay, let me reword that. Are you in love with me?” Rather than answer, he stands abruptly and walks out of the room, leaving you with the thoughts flying round your brain. His departure only causes more questions. Maybe you were wrong. Maybe you had misinterpreted everything completely wrong. You hear him rummaging around upstairs and shortly after he re-enters the room, a small envelope in his hand. He hands it to you, telling you to read it, before he leaves again. You tear open the envelope, a folded piece of paper inside it. You unfold it tentatively, terrified of how these actions could change everything.

  I hope one day you’re reading this. Because if you’re reading this it means that things are changing. Or that they have changed. And I hope that that is good.

Last night wasn’t the first time I have looked at you and thought that you were everything I have ever wanted. But it was the first time I knew I wanted to do something about it. A bit of liquid courage at Marcus’ birthday and I was going to tell you. You were there on the dance floor, red dress, hair curled, no cares in the world and I couldn’t hold it in anymore.

I didn’t even have to say anything. You looked at me in the taxi and said it all for me. “I’m gonna marry you some day, Jess. You’re just so perfect aren’t you. I’m so in love with you.” And you kissed me like you never wanted to stop.

I was so happy. I thought that was it. And then I woke up today and you say you were so drunk you don’t even remember coming home. And I know you’re not lying because you couldn’t even find your shoes, even though you took them off and put them in your wardrobe like you always do.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that I’m in love with you. And I’m also sort of mad at you because you’re not seeing that. I’ve always been in love with you and I always will be. I’m in love with all the things you say are flaws and all the lines on your face and freckles on your body. I’m in love with you despite the fact you’re possibly the world’s messiest roommate. I’m in love with the fact that you’re my best friend.

I don’t know when you’re going to read this. You may never read this. But I guess if you don’t its because I care so much about being your best friend that I don’t want to sacrifice that for something so stupid as being in love with you.

But if you’re reading this, I’m hoping it’s because I’m asking you to please be in love with me too.

  His hand writing is messy, but it’s perfect. You find him outside, can of beer in his hand from the fridge. He’s leaning against the wall, staring out across the garden.

“You’re a liar,” you whisper, his head whipping up to look at you. You wave the letter at him. “You said you don’t want to sacrifice our friendship because you’re in love with me. You just did.”

“Oh right,” he mumbles. He’s disappointed. Disappointed that your first words to him weren’t ‘I’m in love with you too’. Disappointed that you’re not currently in his arms, lips finally together again. Disappointed that things didn’t go the way he had expected, the way he’d dreamed about.

You remain in the doorway, hesitant to move closer to him. “Why now?” You question, eyeing him carefully. “I wore a red dress to Marcus’ birthday two years ago. You’ve had this since then so why give it to me now?” A million thoughts were racing around your brain. The confirmation that you had kissed him clearing years’ worth of worry and confusion. He was angry and distant because you had forgotten – not because you had kissed him in the first place. All the feelings you had hidden and pushed down suddenly bubbling up within you.

“You said you were gonna leave. I was scared. I don’t want you to leave.” He confesses, stepping a little closer to you.

“I’m not gonna leave, Jess. I’m never gonna leave.” And with that you fold into his arms, his warmth cancelling out the chill coming up through your bare feet on the cold patio tiles. He holds you like that for a while, breathing in your scent, scared to let you go and face what he’s confessed.

He feels you pull back and he flinches, worried of what happens now. He’s reassured by your hands cupping either side of his cheeks, as his rest on your waist lightly. “I think” you start, his eyes searching yours for more, for confirmation that his world is not going to crumble around him. “I think I might be in love with you too.” His face erupts in a smile, that same childish grin that made you kiss him in that taxi all those years ago.

“Good,” he says certainly, leaning in to lock his lips with yours once more. He’s known how to deal with you on your bad days for years. How to make you laugh when you’re close to crying. How to rationally talk you down from any ledge you found yourself on. He knows because he’s seen it all play out over the years. He’s been there through the good and the bad. And he promises himself in that moment, you tangled up in his arms, lips pressed against his, that he’s going to be there throughout all the good and the bad even when your hair is grey and you’re both cooped up in a retirement home.

And you know that he’s always going to be able to make your bad days good with just the simplest of “I love you’s”.

Author’s Note - I kinda wrote this spontaneously tonight so there was no planning involved. If you think its crappy and doesn’t make sense that’s cool. Slow Burn 6 (the finale) will be coming out next weekend so keep an eye our for that (this isnt realted to slow burn its just a one of piece i wrote for chlo)

Hope you enjoy let me know what you think x 

[unproduciblesmackdown]

so being abused the entire first 2 decades of your life: what’s up with that? Night Posts Edition

- classic when finding some “uh oh relatable!” content abt various Disorderres and there’s some thing like “many symptoms overlap with ptsd” and it’s like ooh which one is applying to me?? i mean spoilers the idea that The Grouping Of Non Nt Traits And Experiences Into Distinct Classifications is not actually...an exact science and for all intents and purposes it makes no difference if i am going “oh god #me” at an informative post about adhd if actually its ptsd acting exactly the same anyways so. but yknow it’s wild n zany being like “am i overstepping my bounds b/c this was caused by coping with trauma possibly? what audacity” and etc when it really....that doesnt matter....

- also ugh @ retaining things that downplay abusers’ responsibility for their actions (in specific things you’re personally dealing with, not like, as a general stance) and shift blame onto yourself like........you have to get so used to treating someone’s Abusive Behavior as something inevitable that you can’t ever expect them to stop doing, and thus pretty much considering someone abusive like a force of nature because they’re just gonna do what they’re gonna do whenever they next get Set Off rather than like.......a person who is responsible for their own behavior and in control of their own choices and like. especially zany when you’re a kid and they’re your parent so there’s the Power Imbalance of them being an adult and the other power imbalance of them being in control of your whole existence. but so like even just the other year i was taking the blame for calmly speaking back to a grownass man close to thrice my age raging at me and saying like, not verbatim but the idea of like “ugh i know it was partly my fault for even saying anything back to him because i knew he’d just continue to yell but unfortunately i just refuse to weather that kind of behavior without standing up for myself at all anymore” but like no!!!! that’s shifting all the responsibility for this other person’s behavior onto myself, like i Made him choose to shout at me at like 4am because he sucks and has some kind of superiority power trip issues. cuz i am well within rights to respond to anyone addressing me and it’s Not my fault at all that he chooses to react the way he reacts. 

- also that i was ready to excuse my being blamed for this by others because they were closer to that person than they were to me and i was gonna be like “okay i Get wanting to defend someone who’s closer to you” but no!!!! actually!!!! i may get it but i don’t condone excusing anyone’s horrible behavior in the least just cuz you know them or they’re friends or family or something. in fact that’s terrible. i’m just primed to be Used To It because of the weird situation of parental abuse where there’s other people also trapped in this location and daily life with an abuser and if someone “causes” the abuser to start being shitty then they’ll get blamed / resented for that. me and my siblings seem more like friendly acquaintances b/c we had to be pitted against each other in these kinds of ways for eons until we were all in our teens and got some more Space and kind of realized that we weren’t each others enemies and got closer and my dumb little brother was old enough to stop being a whiny binch and Owed me for helping him with math hw over the phone from 2 hrs drive away lol.....jk, sort of.....we did get along great eventually but then i left thanks to said abuse and us talking via twitter isn’t at all the same as us being able to talk in person :/

- also one thing that sometimes Strikes me is that when i’m like blandly recalling incidents of abuse like “oh yeah, that time” it bothers me less to think about stuff that happened to me specifically than to think about times it was Other people who were being treated that way. the latter was always equally or probably more upsetting and it always felt just as bad in the moment anyways, there was no major distinction in the Abuse In Progress experience if it was directed mostly on you than on other people

- all my life i’ve also been super stubborn which never helped and even Abuse MaGee would have to try to get creative with Disciplinary Systems and there was this golden “punishment” which was eat dinner in your room by yourself and i was like oh my god can i really. the horror of Family Dinner was like, this dark comedic farce playing out in that house for all our lives. christ. speaking of being stubborn this one time my sister cut my toe with a knife (half accidentally) because i refused to stop swinging my legs despite her holding the knife under the table lol and i also refused to tell on her b/c we were All In This Together (that is, Us vs The Abuser, which always took precedence over any internal conflict in our faction lol)

- always remembering how my “’”””””””defining”””””””””” trait was always getting good grades except the only reason i ever felt this pressure was the time my sister caught shit for getting a C, and i wasn’t even getting A - F letter grades yet and was already like jfc guess i can’t like....get a single C ever.....the joke is i’ve always been a godawful student who hates school, i just also managed to get great grades fairly easily, b/c of the devil probably. i’m sorry

- love to wonder what interests i might have been able to explore if i didn’t want to hide anything i was genuinely interested in and other True Thoughts And Feelings from my ‘rents. who knows!!! even now i’m not sure what i like and my vague ideas about it are all mostly In Theory and i don’t have any hopes and dreams b/c of never being able to really consider my own interests and desires and also because when every day of your life is basically spent in survival mode about everything else, that’s not really conducive to having dreams and ambitions. see also: like, being really poor

- The Weird Experience when only one of your parents is abusive and the other parent is also experiencing spousal abuse and so like, even though they’re your parent, you know that they don’t really have equal power as the abusive one because they too are being abused? it’s a complicated thing b/c that’s how every individual experience with abuse is (complicated). and so you’ve got this bizarre situation where maybe someone cares about you but they can’t really protect you from this other person. and like, my dad is crap and in some areas even a crappier person than my abusive mom and also i hate him, but i only hate him for certain things lmao not for being abused or some ways he tried to deal with it. i know what’s trash and what’s not

- the zany experience of No One Will Help You Ever.....lucky for me i eventually figured out on my own that what i’d been living with all the time had actually been abuse for real all along! and yet still i knew that like, there wasn’t much i could immediately do with that information because..........yknow, what do you actually do. i was basically already 18, so. and even if i hadnt been. there’s nothing to do for it!! just sucks to be you, basically. but an exception is that when one day i texted my friend to ask if i might be able to leave my house overnight and crash at their family’s place for a little bit, their parents immediately were like Yes Of Course and they let me stay there for a week and were very nice about all of it. between them and the nice trans lady who gave me some more Housing Assistance by letting me stay in her spare room for like, most of december.....my Allies. plus someone who talked to me via online once i bailed on my ‘rents! if they read this they know who they are and they have continued to be so kind and generous ugh love and appreciate you

- god just individual occasions of “THIS bullshit that i went through this one time” of especially ridiculous incidents.....i could go on for eons

- sort of tangentially related and related to the first point but ugh specific memories of Moments In Which It Continued To Be Revealed To Me That I, Individually, Was Prone To Being Kind Of Socially Ostracized.....like my ass started noticing that shit as soon as i was around other kids aka preschool aka 4 yrs old.......like i’m usually somewhat withdrawn and cautious and quiet in social situations especially what with the association that “misbehaving” = trauma exposure so, yknow, that might be a way that you’re pressured into just keeping to yourself and keeping your head down. but talk about “i don’t really relate to other people my age” lmao like i always preferred interacting with adults really while by and large dealing with the other kids felt like a challenge that i was never gonna actually come out on top of and i still remember individual Efforts i’d make to ~fit in~ and Participate that just fell flat or got me actively excluded....Ugh City........and it’s like, i could make a list of Social Traits i think i have that help make it difficult for people to be interested in interacting with me, or “contribute” to those joyous occasions when you get to sit back and take in the thinly veiled contempt directed at you by various shitheads, but like, even that’s not really the right way to explain it. its kind of more a Greater Than The Sum Of Its Weird Parts sorta combined experience where i guess i just have this kind of Negative Je Ne Sais Quoi that gets ya the social brushoff / rejection. c’est ce que c’est. the joke is i actually like people and socializing In Theory, i just usually don’t get to do it. shoutout to the advanced relatability of alana calling everyone Acquaintances b/c i literally did/do that lmao......like are we friends if we don’t talk all that often? it’s part on me cuz i’m crap at being the person to initiate conversation cuz too often i assume i’d be an annoyance and also b/c conversation with me is like, not great lmao but still......ce’st l’a v’ie

anyways (clip from that fuckin song where it’s like WHO CAN RELATE lmao.mp3)

[sanderssides-fics]

A special haven chapter 2

Chapter 1: https://sanderssides-fics.tumblr.com/post/161948293942/a-special-haven-chapter-1

Tw: hospital, ADHD interpretation, multiple issues.

Tags: @analogically-prinxiety @the-prince-and-the-emo @princeyandanxiety @softlogic @polysandershell _____2______

Anxiety spent a little while in his room still, just looking around. Posters coated the walls and there was another of Logan’s ties on a hook near the door, the magenta one Anxiety had once complimented Logan on.

The tie he had with him last night was wrapped around his wrist like it was a bracelet. Anxiety finally decided to leave his room when the door opened, it closed behind a tall man with dirty blonde quiffed hair and a suit on. “Ah hello Anxiety, I am Mr.Donnovan the caretaker of this home. I have to go to the hospital to retrieve everyone’s daily medicine,  do you need anything?” Mr donnovan had a strong southern U.S. accent. Anxiety shook his head No, not ready to open up to him, what he wanted was pain medicine and Logan.  “Not even your nurse?” Mr. Donnovan questioned, Anxiety looked at the tie and then held up his wrist, pointed at the tie and nodded. “Okay hun, I’ll be back in half am hour. Maybe you should socialize”.

Anxiety didn’t leave the room for 5 minutes after that. When he did, he wish he hadn’t.  The walls were a bright yellow, the carpet an unnatural grey, the lighting was flickering in one spot, and the noise… God,  the noise. It wasn’t that it was annoying… it was that it was loud and a lot of layering. Children laughter, Taylor Swift,  Bruno Mars,  a TV somewhere, the hospital ambulances, teen grumbles, a single scream of ‘shut up!’.

Anxiety went downstairs where instantly he had that 10 year old kid again near him. “Come on! You need food! Why are you here? Did you do something bad? Are you bisexual? Are you agender?” He then gasps in his little question spree as he sits Anxiety down at the breakfast bar and gets him orange juice “O M G are you gender fluid?” They asked.

“I’m not any of those” Anxiety spoke slower and quieter  than the kid.

“Oh okay! That’s cool! Do you like the juice? Vander made it at 3 this morning!” The kid beamed “I’m Elliot! I have ADHD, I get tired a lot and distracted. It’s a really weird case because I’m not like other kids but I’m not exactly different yknow? My parents are in huggy shirts, they laugh a lot. I think the huggy shirts and pillow rooms make then happier than I do” Elliot got sad for a moment “Oh well!” He beamed right back up “if live with my uncle who owns this place! They thought it would be easier if I lived here, better eyes on me to make sure I don’t fix things all the time.”

Anxiety helped Elliot take a breath to calm down just as a girl entered the room. “Fresh meat” she mumbled, her ginger hair up in two pigtails held up by ribbons and curled at the ends. She smacked gum and fixed her overall jorts. The white shirt she wore read 'Basic’ in big black cursive letters and it couldn’t have been more right.

“That’s Ash, you won’t see her around much. She’s released tonight, she finally got rid of her illness and gets to go home. Her mom is a buisness woman by the name of Anne,  her dad is a congressman named Steve, she has a baby brother who would 3 years old in a week his name is Allen.” Elliot explained to Anxiety, whom just nodded.

“You don’t need to reveal everyone’s life story dweeb” Ash growled flicking Elliot in the temple. Elliot whimpered after Ash left with a bowl of dry cereal. Anxiety patted Elliot’s head gently, a little Unnatural since he hadn’t done that before. Elliot smiled and noticed Anxiety had finished his orange juice.

“My uncle says your name is secret, you get called Anxiety though because you have bad Anxiety. He said for me not to jumpscare you so you don’t get scared ” Elliot laughed gently. Anxiety smiled a little, Elliot showed Anxiety the rest of the house. The bathrooms and the bedrooms they were allowed in.

“The twins are very cuddly, I warn you” Elliot said as he opened the door slightly and instantly there was two kid on Anxiety’s legs. They rubbed their pudgy 3 year old cheeks on Anxiety’s legs and acted like cats. “Dr.Alice found them on the street with a posse of cats. They’ve acted like this ever since. ” Elliot said. Anxiety knew exactly who these girls were. Dr.Alice told Anxiety about Kit & Kat.

The kids let go of Anxiety when an older teen came out of his room, they hooked on to him as well and the guy laughed and went back in his room without a notice to Anxiety or Elliot.

“That’s Kyle, he only associates with the care takers and the twins. He’s here because he has nowhere else.” That was almost the last time Anxiety saw Kyle.

The door downstairs opened and Mr.Donnovan entered. “Uncle Donny!” Elliot exclaimed and slid down the railing and right into his uncles arms. Anxiety retreated into his room, weird, he felt no way about calling this room his own. He didn’t think he’d mind it here after all. Though he had no idea who this 'Vander’ person was.

There was a knock on the door before Anxiety looked up from his spot in the middle of the floor. Logan closed the door behind him and Anxiety smiled gently at the Nurse. Logan was glad that the only thing disturbed in the room was the sheets. “Hey” Anxiety spoke gently.

“Salutations” Logan said and Anxiety giggled making Logan smile and sit across from him “How do you find the place? How do you feel”

“Its okay, Elliot showed me around… I’m in some pain and Anxiety levels” Anxiety mumbled the last part, Logan moved closer to Anxiety and noticed the tie around Anxiety’s wrist.

“So you have left the room, that’s good. You went with a hyper boy as well. I see you found the tie, I thought it might help you calm down… you know, about being forced into this place even though you said no.” Logan looked down a little ashamed but still he knew this was best for his anxious patient. He gave Anxiety some pain medicine he had in his white coat pocket.

“Its okay, I can see where you came from on the whole safe view  this place is definitely better than with my brother” Anxiety said and Logan nodded in agreement. Anxiety hugged Logan gently to seal his opinion on Logan so that Logan wouldn’t worry as much.

Five minutes of talking about Anxiety’s opinions of the other tenants later and they both were leant against a wall, Anxiety more leaned on Logan’s shoulder though. Logan was Anxiety’s comfort. 

“Dr.Alice told me about Ivory, that other nurse, I’m really sorry about her. I don’t know why she did that” Logan said casually.

“Dr.Alice said it’s because you and her dated and you broke up with her because of a… complication” Anxiety said, his head half in Logan’s neck and half on Logan’s shoulder but he still saw the deep blush on Logan’s cheeks.

“Yeah, I realized I didn’t really like her. She wasn’t nice anyways” Logan admitted 

“I figured” Anxiety smiled gently, Logan’s watch beeped “Do you have to leave?”

“Yeah, it’s lunch time for you. I’ll come back tonight before my shift is over to check up on you okay?” Logan said as he got up and helped Anxiety up. Anxiety nodded and lead Logan to the door before saying goodbye. Anxiety didn’t like Logan leaving, he didn’t really feel safe anymore.

“Anxiety!” Elliot smiled and took Anxiety’s hand dragging him to a dining room. “Its lunch time! Uncle Donny let me help with it. We are having macaroni, grilled cheese,  and salad!” Elliot was very hyper and kept talking; some how Elliot managed to switch the topic from lunch to roller coasters to the Vander person again.

Elliot made Anxiety sit next to him as Ash and Mr.Donnovan served the food. Most of the kids dove into their food savagely but still neatly. Kyle had came down with Kit & Kat and he was helping feed them their food so they didn’t make a huge mess. Anxiety just nibbled on his food. A peace of lettuce or a corner of bread found their way to his mouth every so often. He was used to Roman taking his food, it would be half way to his mouth and Roman would steal it and eat it then laugh. He was used to one small meal a week from the breakfast club at school.

Elliot kept everyone entertained with stories he heard from 'Isaac’ but most people referred to him as Imaj. Imaj was sitting in the living room, he ate his food there while next to the small terrarium for a gecko or something. Anxiety got up when everyone was distracted and entered the living room. Imaj looked up instantly, he smiled gently.

“You’re the new one, you came in last night. I like your scars” Imaj referenced Anxiety’s wrist, Anxiety hid his wrist against his chest. 

“How did you know about those?” Anxiety asked nervously. 

 Imaj just smiled “I’m Imaj, I am 8 years old and my parents are dead” He said without hesitation, without the smile leaving his face either.

“I’m Anxiety, I’m 16, and my dad is dead. I never knew my mom.” Anxiety said quietly as he sat next to Imaj. 

“This is Quiche, he’s 5 months” Imaj held up a small gecko, it was no bigger than the brunettes middle finger. Anxiety smiled at the reptilian creature.

“He’s adorable” Anxiety smiled, he pets the gecko gently.

“Donny says he’s like me. Adorable and all knowing.” Imaj made a mystical face making Anxiety laugh gently. They talked about Quiche and about their time here until lunch was over for everyone else. Then the living room flooded with TV hogs, it got too loud for Anxiety so he covered his ears and speed walked to his room,  when he spun around to close his door he noticed Imaj had followed him.

“Can I come in, please?” The day-dreamy eight year old asked.

“Sure” Anxiety found it weird he felt more comfortable with the 8 and 10 year Olds than with people his own age. Then again, people his own age liked to hurt him outside of here.

[unproduciblesmackdown]

was just thinking about how if edgar had a cowboy boyfriend they would be close enough to living the cowboy/vampire memes except without as much vampire magic, and i was like hm shit but why would there be a cowboy? where could we get a cowboy character from?? for like a whole forty seconds before remembering that a whole entire plot point is that there’s a bunch of ranchers in town. but then it’s all, but wait, the implication is that the terrain is unsuitable for cattle raising, so edgar can’t have a wholesome farming life......plus don’t cowboys like, move cows places? but then so what if the townspeople sell off the cattle to try to switch to yet another source of income and that is where the cattle drive comes in, although now i guess people just use trucks. but forget that, this is a cattle drive to kentucky or something.

anyways this is obviously a perfect idea.....he must run into a ranch anyways to kill a cow, what if he also runs into another unintroduced local teen on said ranch who interrupts his crisis. its still tricky b/c by that point there’s a mob closing in to try to kill or capture ed. lots of problems. but imagine the guy is just like, very understanding. the kind of guy you could say hey humanity’s rejected me and i’m on the lam i guess because i don’t belong anywhere. and he’s like well, that’s no good. but this town’s not big enough for the two of us. as in, people like you and me need more than this place has to offer. do you wanna be the inciting action to my dreams of leaving all this behind? and edgar could be like, well my only alternate plans were killing a cow and my parents so sure

what is more glamorous than grabbing a couple of horses and making a getaway crosscountry. this doesn’t even involve that cattle drive idea i just talked about. another thing that would be good is if meeting the cowboy boyfriend happened before right before apology to a cow, because things are fairly fucked at that point. i was just thinking how ed is sort of a locked away in a castle type. yet that has little to do with cowboys. there is only like a seven minute window of edgar being around other people and it all going to hell. so that’s tricky. but also you can have an au where say, dr parker dies of total coincidence before that point and can’t ruin everything. or meredith killed him way back when and things sort of happen the same way except without him, which is to say, fairly well. or an au in which things go even better than that

anyways.........cowboy boyfriend just for all the jokes. idk. omg so i was just thinking what would be the opposite of horrifying everyone by killing a cow and the answer is assisting in a calving delivery. he finds his future farmhand boyfriend like oh thank god, ol gertie’s having complications with these twins. and by the time the townspeople show up, ed may be covered in blood again but this time it’s afterbirth. and they’ve saved the calves and the cow, and they’re like, yknow, you’re Alright! except it would help if those other three kids hadn’t died by that point in the plot already, even though none of them were ed’s fault. so that’s still tricky. i just thought it’d be funny if he was like, arm up a cow like hey back off, i think i’ve got this one’s front legs, i need some space though thanks

anyways. idk. just some great thoughts