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Mr. Russell
George Russell x fem!reader
Summary: when you’re digging into secrets of dangerous people, you might get burned or…
Warning: this is pure filth, SMUT, 18+, cursing, spanking, reader being tied up, maybe dark theme?, unprotected sex, mafia!George, no use of Y/N
A/N: I am sick this week and laying bored in my bed made me wrote this. I hope you enjoy it!
My mind couldn’t wrap around the fact that I woke up tied to the bed, in the bedroom I have no recollection of getting into, completely naked.
“I see, you’re awake, darling.”
The voice of a man was heard beside me. Laying on my stomach with my head towards the direction of the window it was very hard to turn to that voice, but I tried my best. It was George. George Russell. The mafia boss everybody warned me about. And I didn’t listen.
“Tsk, tsk. You were a very bad girl. Poking into secrets that you know nothing about. You should’ve been careful. But.. you were so goddamn curious, weren’t you? So, I thought that you’d be happy to experience some of that secrets for yourself.”
My mouth was dry, I swallowed hard as I listened to him. Working as an investigative reporter, it was my job to look through some cases to make my articles interesting. There were some rumours, that Russell had his own sex club, and that alone wasn’t so bad, but also drugs were involved along with some torture and violence, leading to deaths of clients and sometimes even of the “employees”.
Reels of my thoughts was interrupted by his hand on my cheek, caressing it lightly, tracing gently along my jaw.
“Speechless now, huh? You know, I can make you talk.”
“No, no, I’m gonna talk, just don’t, please.”
My voice sounded desperate and hopeless, exactly what he wanted. Trying to move my hands, the restrains dug more into the delicate flesh of mine, the soft whimper leaving my mouth.
George chuckled, when he got up from the bed, walking around it to stand right behind me. I couldn’t see much, but I bet that he liked what he was looking at. Next thing I know was his hands slipping under my stomach, pulling me upwards by my hips.
“Ass up, darling. You’re a sight for sore eyes. This is how you should be - naked, desperate and completely at my mercy. But no, you’d rather dig into shit to get informations for your stupid articles about me.”
“G-George, I-“
“For you, I’m Mr. Russell.”
And with that he slapped my ass. Hard.
“Fuck… Mr. Russell.” Choked whimper escaped my mouth as I was shocked, what just happened.
“That’s my good girl.”
His hands caressed the flesh of my ass, squeezing it and massaging it. My face was flushed with embarrassment, because, believe it or not, I liked that. A lot.
“You wanted to say something, darling? I interrupted you.” He spoke so casually, like this whole situation wasn’t even happening.
“I wanted to say, that- that I never intended to interrupt your business. I didn’t want that informations for articles, it was just my own curiosity.”
“And I am supposed to believe you, huh? Because I can’t, sweetheart. I saw the drafts you wrote.”
“But-“
Another slap across my ass. This time I felt the tingling and my toes on my feet curled from it as I bit into my lip to suppress a moan.
“You’re a fucking liar, darling. And I hate liars.”
I wasn’t able to say something else, because he spanked my ass for another five times. Delicate flesh of my behind stung and surely was red, his hands marked deeply into my skin. I was panting, tears burning in my eyes, because it fucking hurt. My body, on the other hand, had its own way to betray me.
“Ah, darling, you’re a naughty girl. Look how wet you got just from a little spanking session. We’re gonna have a lot of fun together. Unfortunately, I think that you’re not gonna get back to your usual job. Maybe I will keep you as my fucktoy from now on.”
I wanted to protest, but he was always a step ahead of me, his fingers now teasing my leaking pussy. That made me shut up instantly. Just as his fingertips traced the way to my sensitive bundle of nerves, I moaned softly and I knew it made him smile.
“Mmm… I can’t wait to claim you. You make me unbelievably hard, baby. Consider yourself special, it’s not happening often, because I’m not quite impressed by anybody.”
His voice was laced with lust and desire, it was like a music for my ears, getting straight to my core, to clench around nothing, craving him, aching for his cock to fill me.
“Please…”
“Please what, darling? Use your words. Tell me, what you want.”
Embarrassed by my neediness, I buried my head into the pillow, feeling the tension in my shoulders from the way I was tied up to the headboard.
Humming in disapproval, his fingers slid through my soaked folds, poking at the entrance, my back arching from the sensation.
“You need to say it, baby. Without that, I’m just gonna tease you to the oblivion. I can do that all night.”
Now I could feel his breath fanning over my aching core, my arms pushing against the restraints.
“I want you to eat my pussy, George, fuck, please. Please!”
I let out a loud plea, begging him to taste my arousal, to relieve the tension in my lower belly.
He just tsked at my desperate attempt, his fingers smearing my wetness across my ass cheek.
“You forgot about something. I thought I made that clear earlier.”
My mind was hazy from the desire and arousal but then I remembered.
“Please, make me cum with your mouth, Mr. Russell.”
“I knew you’re a good girl, darling.”
With that words, I felt his hot lips on my wet pussy, lapping on my bundle of nerves, while sliding his fingers inside me, stretching me out. Loud moans of mine filled the room, it was like ecstasy, my legs trembling from how good he was. I tried to move my hips a little, to get more from him but his strong arm kept me in place, just like he wanted. At first he made slow circles around my swollen nub, his fingers deep inside me, poking at my sweet spot, but then he picked up the pace with his fingers, while he was practically latched on my clit. That was too much, overwhelming feeling and I was a moaning mess, gasping for air, closer and closer to my climax.
Suddenly he stopped, getting away from me and I shifted in disapproval that he didn’t make me cum.
“W-why-“
“Shhh. Don’t worry. You’ll get to cum. But I want to feel that around my cock.”
I heard him undoing his pants, freeing his rocking hard length and as far as I could see, he smeared his cock with my juices he still had on his fingers from a while ago. It made him go feral, nearly cumming instantly of how erotic that was.
“Please, Mr. Russell. Fuck me. Fuck me like a whore.”
I didn’t care about my reputation or my image after this. I needed him, his cock seemed perfect to fill me up good and it was all that mattered now. My pussy was so worked up, dripping with arousal that I would do anything to have him.
“You’re my whore. Remember that.”
He said almost breathlessly, teasing me with his cock as he neared with it to my entrance. With one slow motion he pushed into me, stretching me to the limits, while I was nearly screaming from the overwhelming pleasure. I heard his huff along with chuckle, he was really satisfied with his making, giving my ass one slap before he started moving his hips against mine.
My brain went blank, my sight blinded as I let out a choked moans, saying his name in raspy voice, my throat dry from all that.
“You love this cock, right? Nobody can ever make you feel like this. Nobody can ever make this pussy so wet like me.”
His words made my mind spinning, I was so cockdrunk that I was drooling into the pillow. Each of his hard thrust was like a heaven for my sweet spot inside me, getting me closer and closer to release.
“Oh- my-“
“You’re gonna cum, aren’t you? Huh? You think you deserve it?”
I nodded yes, desperately.
“Hm. Cum for me, darling.”
With another stretching thrust I felt my pussy tightening around him, slipping over the edge of my arousal, giving me the most toe curling orgasm I ever experienced. My body was writhing underneath him, his hand slapping my ass again to heighten my pleasure even more.
As I was coming down from my high, I also felt him twitching inside me, his pace picking up, riding to his high.
“That’s it, baby girl, I’m gonna fill you up, you’re gonna be dripping. I- ah- fuck!”
George couldn’t even finish the sentence, how he was caught off guard when my pussy squeezed him once more, ending with him painting my inner walls with his precious seed. He nearly collapsed onto me, how much he was done, breathing heavily like if he just ran a marathon.
After a while I decided to speak up. “G-George… my arms.. it hurts.”
George got out of the trance as he carefully slid out of me, kneeling beside me to untie the restraints on my hands that surely will leave marks. Then he laid down on the bed, pulling me closer to him, making me whimper a little, feeling my body sore and stiff.
“Was it the way you imagined it?” George placed a soft kiss in my hair, caressing my back lovingly.
“Mhm… much better than that, actually.” I hummed with smile.
“I enjoyed it too. We should do this role play thing more often. I felt powerful as a dangerous mafia boss.” He chuckled as he spoke.
“My dangerous Mr. Russell. You know how hard it is to say that when you’re begging for something?”
“You didn’t think that I would go easy on you, did you?”
He captured my lips in tender kiss, giving me all comfort and love I needed after that rough session.
———
Please don’t use my writings without permission! Pictures not mine, they’re from Pinterest.
#f1 fanfic#george russel imagine#george russell#george russell x reader#george russell x female reader#formula one#f1 x female reader#f1 x you#f1 x reader#f1 imagine#f1 fic#formula 1#george russell x you#george russell smut#george russell 63#gr63 x you#gr63 x reader#gr63
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PLEASE MORE BUTTERFLY HOWDY CONTENT HES SO FUCKING SILLY
OKAY HERE'S A COMIC SHENANIGANS THING
#this looks best if you click through instead of scrolling#which is kind of stupid to say After The Post. but yk.#spent way too long on this. worth it tho#its always worth it For The Bit#and this was good practice! ty for the opportunity!#the version of butterfly!howdy i have in my head is. hes a lot. i love him <3#scribble salad#welcome home#welcome home puppet show#howdy pillar#yassified howdy <3#i am so so so soooo tempted to make a butterfly howdy tag just to compile it all#i love compiling things. i like having specific collections In One Uninterrupted Place#alright well my hand hurts and its 5 am so im gonna queue this and go sleepies#wait fuck whats in the queue for tomorrow. today.#hm... ok this is a sunday post then. tomorrow is Booked#yall get a brief break from the butterfly howdy shenanigans#*got. im speaking to future people from the past rn. wild. ty tumblr for allowing time travel#its a tangled mess of yarn anyways#i am once again So Tempted To Write For This#perhaps one day i will fulfill my dream of writing a fic about howdy chrysalizing. metamorphosizing. whatever#id make it slowburn laughingstock perhaps... Probably.... i care them too much not too....#something for future me to enjoy! as a treat <3
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Some more gouache painting, landscape studies this time! ✨💖
#artists on tumblr#traditional art#gouache#gouache painting#honse doodles#im really having fun with gouache but boy does its 'ugly phase' kills me while i'm working on the paintings#its like 'there is NO way this is gonna look good what the fuck am i doing'#and then you add another layer of paint and ur like 'ok ok this looks fine alright'
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i think chappell roan enforcing her boundaries to creepo parasocial fans is so fucking awesome and based and she should be allowed to do whatever she wants forever
#seriously i never see artists (regardless of what type of art) enforcing these boundaries and making people listen#also ive just become aware people are mad at her for not getting involved in political stuff???#hey i think perhaps people should form their own opinions and not base their life choices on what a celebrity they dont even know says?#its not like celebrities are your trusted royal advisors man go think about it yourself.#i was going to say “if taylor swift told you to vote for a specific person would you listen” but thats a bad example isnt it#i think swifties just do whatever she says man#i think a lot of people really need to perhaps consider looking into what THEY THEMSELVES think of political candidates#and form their OWN opinions through research if theyre not sure on who to vote for#and not just immediately look to a random celebrity or public figure for what to do#has anybody considered like this isnt celebrities' business????#youre not at fucking daycare or highschool its not their responsibility to show you how to use critical thinking or form opinions#these arent your family members. these arent your friends. theyre just people a lot of people know about.#seriously man...i plan on attaining some fame from my projects eventually. its not gonna be my job to do that anymore than any other artist#my job is to draw furries not kiss the fans and tell them what to think. thats not my business.#even if i disagree with someone's views its still not my business my business is drawing furries.#theres a difference between using your platform to talk about issues and literally fucking telling people how to vote.#basing all your life choices on what celebrities think is gonna get you in a deep fuckin hole and do you no good. look at things 4 yourself#Sorry im kind of ranting here. am i sorry actually? no i think this needs to be said and im sayign it#and im not basing that on what popular figures think either! im basing that on what i think! which is what more people should do!#why dont we look at this from the perspective of like...streamers instead. cause people are weird towards streamers too#if i were to go up to a streamer or youtuber and ask them who to vote for#if i went up to fucking markiplier or vinny vinesauce and asked one of them who to vote for you'd all think i was deranged.#celebrities can also be wrong about shit!!! or be shit people!!! this is not me attacking anyone here!!#please consider the fact they are literally just people and theyre not some all seeing omnipotent god figures#you could go and ask nicki minaj who to vote for. or doja cat. you could just as well go and ask your boss who to vote for. or a neighbor!#and either way you dont need to base your life choices based on what that person says!#you still need to think for yourself!#but i think if youre gonna ask someone who to vote for it should be someone you know personally. not a pop star. not a gamer. not an artist#if youre gonna base your opinions on that of other people base it on the opinions of people you trust. people who know you.#people who are really there for you.
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i can almost guarantee ive said it before but. he would thrive in a zero escape game
#an octopath ze au would be kinda fun actually.. especially the octo2 party#would love to see these guys in an escape room . it would be so awful#temenos would fit in perfectly and might even make a good mc given his 'truth lies in the flame' segments..#i could see partitio doing well bc of his creativity and general demeanor#osvald is great at math but idk how trusting hed be of everyone in this situation.. especially if they assume zero is one of them early on#throné . girlie im so sorry#i think shed do fine for the most part (hard to say how much her thieving skills would be of help here) but she did not deserve this </3#do not let ochette into any pantry or food storage room. i dont trust any of that food#i wonder if shed have her partner(s) here tho.. how do u handle an owl and/or jackal in this situation..#she would be great for morale tho#same for agnea tho i worry for her emotional state a lil bit . help her#who am i missing .. CASTTI#shes good at managing stress (both hers and others) in awful situations . thank god#and shes there if anyone gets hurt 👍#not that its likely outside of bad end situations ? tho i may be thinking of the 999 map too much..#would it be more fun to use that as the setting or something else altogether.. more modern or more like octopath 2..#how the fuck would someone even make an escape room in . what is it like the industrial revolution. steam era#would it make sense to be able to use magic in universe to pull off something similar..#the canonicity of some ingame mechanics is dubious so its hard to tell how malleable magics uses and effects are..#itd probably be easier to place everyone in a modern setting but i have no idea what some of them would be that way#.. modern fantasy setting ??????#what if they had smartphones in octopath. would that be fucked up or what#also who the hell would be zero . would anyone be in kahoots w zero.. or at least Know Things but be unable to say smth abt it#i straight up forgot to mention hikari earlier but hes prolly like. fine#his intrusive thpughts would probably Suck Bad here but hed want everyone to get out alive as much as everyone else combined#wait who would even be the 9th person. would it be zero. but who..#if it were octo1 id say kit but its harder to get a good octo2 equivalent of him.. hm..#oh god im out of tags . tho what would the game style be like.. nonary game ab game etc etc.. what would be unique but fitting..#am i gonna look into actual scientific theories for this . and how would the morphogenetic field come into play.. and Why..#octotag
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ok let's catch up quickly
#so i went on a few dates w this guy. long hair beautiful face kinda looked like a girl (good) said yes ma'am when i told him to do smth#(also good) film student great at photography including candids. made a sheath of leather for a sword pin i have . et cetera.#he asked to cuddle and i was like iggg and then i felt Nothing and i was like ohhh yh ok ok yep lesbian#like he meets almost all my criteria but. yeahhh no . also at the end of that date he had some weird takes. anyway broke up w him and told#him actually im p sure im a lesbian (again) and he was like yk thats the second time this has happened to me this week but its ok bc ive#fallen for this girl from berlin. and then we cooked together. anyway . met a beautiful butch lowk in love w her. weve been on (1) date.#have two exams in a few days havent studied enough going to like end it all basically. my research partner kicked me off our research#(expected(it was always skinda sketchy)) which was devastating + it happened in a lidl 15 hours into a journey from bordeaux#to go back to the UK. my friends were kinda busy paying for baguettes but also they heard this whole exchange and are kinda mad at him#my friend of 10+ years is coming over in a few days. my evil ex situationship person that i decided to stay friends w because i kept#insisting they are a good friend and not evil and also extremely beautiful? turns out shockingly enough they were evil. tried to fix them#and then i realised due to their entire friendship group being ppl like me (Every Single One of their friends are ppl they met on dating#apps then led on then dumped and proposed staying friends w) and are collectively extremely attracted to them and not over them they#keep validating the most diabolical shit they say/do to hace a chance w them. they broke up w their ex and the way they keep leading#this poor girl on and making her heartbeeak worse and saying that they want more power over her and want her to beg for them back etc...MY#JAW HAD DROPPED esp bc i didnt even know the ex was in the picture BECAUSE ME AND ONE OF OUR FRIENDS (that they also dated) HAD JUSR SLEPT#NAKED TOGETHER IN THEIR BED W THEM. GIRL. anyway that is the least of the diabolical stuff they said but no we are moving onnn#this was b4 the beautiful butch btw. anyways . i have a mitski concert tmrw i think?? idek anymore#i used to have a crush on this guy very briefly and then it disappeared and then i realised if he fundementally changed everything abt#himself then maybe id like him but ofc i didnt tell him that but i still think abt it sometimes but anyway thats irrelevant now bc 99% sure#even if he did id still not find him attractive (lesbianism). please recommend good overnight moisturisers btw i have super dry skin#right. the friend of 10 yrs. we had a hard convo abt why she essentially bullied me in year 8 and it made me highly bitter but i also love#her and ik things are diff now its been like . Many Years . and shes going to stay a while I HAVE TWO EXAMS I DONT HAVE TIME but i love her#its fine. i think i might just switch into medicine and do the whole become a neurosurgeon thing (which was my plan B) bc plan A is looking#kinda impossible rn. I WANNA TALK MORE ABT WHAT THE EX SITUATIONSHIP PERSON SAID but i wont bc i dont wanna be too mean but also . MY GOD#i had a conversation w a philosopher friend about whether i have a moral responsibility to try to fix them bc unleashing this on society#feels wrong and he said 'probably but...run' so yeah im not talking to them atm. second date w beautiful butch on monday btw IDK WHAT TO#WEAR. she said she likes fems. im just gonna wear the shortest ralph lauren skirt i have w the cute leg warmers and hope 4 the best#its 1:15 AM im abt to drink coffee and start studying bc what the FUCK man. also almost finished watching the boys its very good#one of my best friends is struggling rn it is breaking my heart i want to take the burden from her i miss her very much
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getting gender envy from someone My Own Gender really is an experience
#guys do NOT become aware of the fact you're not cis like dont do it ever this is NOT FOR THE WEAK#I AM THE WEAK.#im gonna die im like what the fuck#charli xcx is literally a woman why am i going 'god i wish i was a woman' I AM A WOMAN#i get it tho its like#the desire to want to be a woman does that make sense#god i need a sideblog#radiohead save me#theyre one of about 2 bands that makes actually good sad music like dont whip out the fucking#julien baker or something im sorry I hate her#when yiurw saying 'oh this is so sad' like im looking for MUSIC not just someone going 'i wanna kill myself' over an acoustic guitar getting#strummed in the most pathetic BORING way known to man like jesus fucking christ can we.make MUSIC a thing again omfggg#blah blah!#not 75 stuff
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i love my friends so much. i feel like yesterday i had a lot of shit going on in my head and i woke up to my friend explaining things in a way that put my mind at ease. i dont feel as anxious anymore because i know i was overthinking. i think my dad said it best when he told me that he thought my wonderful brain of mine just wants to think problems are bigger than they actually are. he is right! im just inexperienced in life and half of the time im scared im doing something wrong but- HEY. i need to be more confident in making mistakes. making mistakes doesn't define me as a person!! i need to stop worrying about doing life right and just live for the sake of living and doing what makes me happy!!!!!!!
#thank u blake. u really helped#also nessa!! thank u for that reblog about your perspective on my one post about feeling lost career wise#it helps me to know im not the only one living this life because holy fuck i can feel confused sometimes because.. am i doing this right?#and you know what? theres no correct path that i think there is but im just not good without a direct direction. it makes me a little#anxious about things#i dont know if its because i have some form of a disorder but i function better when i plan stuff out and give myself something to#decompress the problems and thoughts because in my brain theyre just all stuck and clumped together#and that can get a bit scary and overwhelming!!!#im just glad i have people that care about me. it means literally everything to me#so even if i dont 100% reply dont think i dont care because literally any ANY advice or kindness you show to me means the world#we're all just living this little life and we might as well make the best of it#people care..... thats just.... its good... it makes me feel less alone that people do#i love my friends so much#evennnn if we dont talk every day or are only mutuals in passing!!! it literally means a lot if people show me kindness#like holy shit!!! your older than me? and your dealing with a similar experience??? and your telling me that its okay??? and that itll be#okay?????#like#just the reassurance that things will be okay and work out and that im not the only one dealing with a feeling like mine#idk sometimes i just feel like im crazy and like my thoughts make no sense?? you know?? but yall get it#im glad that i have people who are older than me in my life cause yall have experienced stuff that i can use to be better#like your life experiences can help me in a way that can make a difference on my perspective on things#its why i like talking to my coworkers. because theyve seen things and done things i havent and their perspective can teach me potentially#i just dont feel so overwhelmed with life when i talk to people who understand#i feel so young and yet old enough to know but even the people who are older dont know so im sort of on the right track i suppose depending#on how you look at it#so- im just gonna live my life and smile because!!! you gotta.#you gotta surround yourself with people who can enrich you and teach you things for the better and make you want to grow#some of you are like that#you may not know that#but that kindness means so much
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the biggest thing about X6 is not that he doesn't think of himself as human (though he doesn't, and according to some it's correct) BUT that he doesn't see himself as a Person
#searching through the X6-88 tag on tumblr has not brought me joy#also. 1 thing about is that i hate hate hate the (i think) canon blue eyes he has. like. for fucking what#1st i saw them on tumblr and thought 'well thats stupid. whyd you give him blue eyes? so hed look special? thats weird. at least its uncanon#also. on god. i saw some post headcanoning the companions' appearances and it was p cool UNTIL they got to x6#and they gave him grey 'almost white' eyes for literally no reason. like if you want to go with the scary factor theres so many ways for it#but no. some people think that blue/grey eyes are sooo special. and for what#<- i have brown eyes but im not just being salty. it really sucks. i dont wanna be the one to call fandom racism but it does smell like it!#also like. i didnt want to go on a stupid tirade about racism in the tags again but the way fandom treats x6 AND preston is just upsetting#other people have made some very good points about it and im not going to repeat them here (also noones gonna read this)#but like... theres 3 'main' black characters that i remember: preston garvey (whom the stron majority of the fandom hates/disliked)#x6-88 (basically the players slave? also hated for being mean and unfeeling (which is justified imo). no quest no freedom no nothing)#and gloria (who i havent met in game but ive heard some actual criticisms of (like. the way shes treated ingame) and noone else talks about)#if theres any other Named and Important characters. sorry but i literally do not remember them#coming back to x6 being justified in being unemotional/mean. he was literally raised this way. he doesnt consider himself to be a person#being he was made that way. he is a Thing and hes meant for one job and hes made to inspire fear#and hes not supposed to have emotions so he just. doesnt. if he does he cant express them anyways#1 if fallout4 was a better written game (or 2 if x6 was white) i think thered be SO much fanfiction about him. the possibilities are endless#i have something brewing in the back of my head. i might start writing even though i suck and its going to be bad#ANYWAYS. general fandom thought on x6 are WRONG and im being a HATER. fuck everyone who doesn't like x6. if you dont like x6 get off tumblr#especially if you like gage but not x6. leave fr#i just woke up wtf am i doingggg
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> You are encased in the cement that is those you love who love you.
> It protects you. Makes you beautiful. It will immortalize you.
> Your legs are restless.
> You're going to have to move, sooner or later.
> The sun will blind you, at first. The wind will feel like razors against your skin for a time.
> Do you think it'll be worth it?
> Who would choose to become human, over art?
> There will be times where your once graceful shoulders will hunch in pain. Your formerly serene face crumpled in ugly anger.
> You will be so scared to turn around and see the wreckage. Chunks of cement and dust are all that will be left of the statue you used to be.
> Aren't you scared?
#whoah personal#poetry#i guess but also oh god this sucks#idk. im just thinking about who i want to be#and how that'll mean taking a sledgehammer to the person i used to be#and I'm scared that whatever is left after that destruction won't be worth it#that I'll be so much smaller and more twisted than I was before#and I'm also scared that the people who lean on me as i am now will topple and break if i change#what if i look too different underneath. what if it hurts them. what if they leave#destroying a person who based thenself off of the love others gave them is gonna mean rejecting the love i took#all for what? to become something else? to change in ways I can't prepare for yet?#or what if the people who love me are hurt in the aftermath?#i love them too. it's just im always scared that love isn't enough on its own#i cant just be someone who loves them. i need to be someone they love too. someone they need#god who even am i#i dont know who i would choose to be if i ran away tomorrow#thats why i wrote this. i want to run away and start it all from scratch#but im scared to run away. i know itll hurt. would it be good or bad?#this poem is inaccurate because it paints their love as smothering. its not. i smother myself and i dont know why#but its warm and nice and safe#this is also sort of about being trans but thats like. not even half of what this crisis is about#its not enough to just be a daughter. you cant just be a daughter or an older sister or a friend your whole life.#that cant be all of who and what you are. you have to be you above all else and thats fucking terrifying#idk. anyways iput sparkly license plate covers on my work vans 2 months ago and if my bosses find out I'll get yelled at#so i'm going to go take those off now. bye
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If I could change one thing in my life I'd make it so no one ever commented on food
#elias.zip#im so fucking tired of it!!! joking or not its fucking degrading. just constantly. i get it im so fucking unhealthy all i eat is processed#chemical slop thats gonna kill me at 30 and im the unhealthiest person in the fucking work#world* you dont need to fucking remind me every goddamn day. even the comments that arent bad still make me feel likr shit for eating!!! i#already feel really bad about how poorly i eat. i literally cannot fucking starve myself more basically over this kind of comment.#like damn!!! i sure do have a lot of body issues for someone whos skinny WHY am i even complaining in the first place likr i used to fucking#hate my stomach and its noy when#even* big and i think its gone down bc i eat even less now!!! i cannoy make ANYONE happy no matter what i do or what i cook its always comme#nt comment comment in everything i fucking do. i swear to god im never going to fucking recover from living with them. i would've run away i#f i grew up with them im serious#negative#ihateithereihateithereihateithere#nothing's working out. i csnt make friends. i csnt keep them. im a fucking deadbeat im just like my dad in every conceivable way no ones pr#oud of me no matter what i do and i fucked myslef from any opportunity i had to get out of the system what is the fucking point#i jsut dont knoe anymore!!!!!! its not like the Future even looks good or that i see myself anywwhre but in the exact same spot because all#i ever fucking manage to achieve is self sabotage and whining about how no one loves me. god!!!!!
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it turns out that, in moving, i have traded out having to deal with many small spiders for having to deal with the occasional fuckoff huge one
#what the FUCK was that thing#ive never had such an instant-panic killing out of desperation moment#it was giant. i could see Everything and it was horrible#im still breathing a little too fast that was just. get me out of here#it was Fast and Big and Spindly#i havent seen many spiders here but every single one ive seen has been bigger than im comfy with#if only there was a magic spider-repelling spell i could cast around myself an a ten foot bubble...#unfortunately no such thing exists!#absolutely unprompted#im gonna be so much more paranoid than i already am#if THAT can get into this house. jesus fuck#id love to look up what it was but that would mean looking at high resolution spider pics and i dont think i can do that#currently looking up spiders#i love torturing myself#its like 'normal picture normal picture normal picture WOLF SPIDER FACE CLOSEUP normal picture-'#thank you webbed site for that jumpscare i feel unwell and not in a good way#YEP OKAY THAT WAS FAR TOO MANY SPIDER PICS AND I STILL DONT KNOW WHAT IT WAS#it was huge and light brown with long legs and it was fucking Fast
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Siri how do i stop the cycle without doing these bitchass tiny steps
#lamenting because i was so close to being normal and then i fucking lost it and gained nearly 100 lbs#and i cant get back to where i was i just ...... aaaaaaaaaaaaa#im so much more mentally fucked now so its harder#but thats all excuses right?#and then theres me being like am i even saying that bc i know its what people want to hear#or do i actually believe it? and is there even a difference if i know its true but i dont believe it?#does it even fucking matter just stop shoveling garbage in your mouth ffs#is the real answer here but I AM STRUGGLING#im looking into wls but i know if i dont get my emotional and bored eating under control that shit WILL NOT BE GOOD FOR ME#hnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnng#im just mad bc i have to fucking grocery shop#which always leads me to being pissed about this fuckass cycle#bitch call me mauville town the way i have cycles#god i can recognize the cycle which all tthe therapists will be like good on you!! :D and im like great. how do i break it#and then theyll say ten thousand small steps BITCH IM DYING I NEED DRASTIC CHANGE#BUT THEN IT WONT STICK AND ILL REVERT BACK TO WHERE I AM#but i did it drastically the first time and it wouldve stuck if i hadnt fucking lost it and ended up in the ward#im not a small steps kind of guy i need to wake up and fix shit and stick to it#but listen to me i am dean maniacally speaking to sam.gif#i buy all these stupid ass healthy foods and i have all these good ideas and reciepes and im legit pumped#and then i fuck it up and order food thats awful for me and then i give the hell up#which is an easy problem to fix. i know.#i can simply just....... not do that#but i swear i am struggling which pisses me off so bad#like you wouldnt struggle if youd quit being a stupidass and just did the damn thing#god i am not gonna do well on my psych evaulation#im gonna end up turning it into therapy and im gonna rage and the lady is gonna be like :D................. you need ten more visits#and youre getting denied at the end of them so get fucked#AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA#charlie am i losing my GODDAMN MIND? IF ITS GONE WHERE WILL I FIND.. IT?
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ANYWHO goodnight tumblr i'll be back on the art grind tomorrow i think 🙏
#haunted ecosystem#i'll take a burst of creativity in a different form than usual than the burnout slump i've been in for a few months#<- part of why my fandom stuff has taken a smidge of a backseat#dont get me wrong i am still very excited about my fandoms im just having fun off in oc hell (affectionate)#its nice to just be able to create and not really worry about perception. and also i feel Less bad about just throwing ocs into the wringer#((blame the fact i've been REALLY interested in whump recently and i have been. fixated. on one of my characters.))#and ALSO i've been! rekindling my flame for wtds. i've been putting off thinking about it since that fic got.#nothing bad happened? but it was still very devastating that somebody who i considered a friend from that fic just. evaporated.#but i'm gonna finish that fic for him :) even if it takes a year. even if it's the one thing i finish ever. it'll be wtds.#for where its gotten me and the fact its what got me out of my shell and is the reason i trust that my writing is good!#i used to really hate rereading my work. i catch flaws that are obvious to me. but that fic. i just think about how *good* the story is#that story means. a lot to me? as a person? like the main character is not a good person. but people care about him anyway.#and there are so many little things. so many sentiments. so much that is a love letter to people who've done bad but learnt to do better#because. god knows i wasnt a good person even just a few years ago. and maybe i see myself in him a bit.#he came from a place of paranoia and fear and pain. and maybe its a good thing that i've found it difficult to write him recently.#because god. i've been HAPPY. even with the rough moments and bad days. i've been happy. i mean fuck.#my birthday's what. ten days away? god damn man. i'm going to be 18. that's an achievement.#i want to look the kid who thought it was over at half my age and tell him we fucking made it. and there are more years to come.#there's a life ahead. even if it's going to be a bitch. even if it's going to be tough. there's love in your heart and people who care and#you're going to fucking live and you're going to feel better one day. you have people to meet properly and thank and cherish.#because for every day it feel like the world's ending there are a dozen more where the sun shines just the right way through the rain#and you can't help but smile because it's just so god damn beautiful.#and fuck it. you're sick. your hands hurt and your legs don't work right. and it's tough sometimes. but you have people who understand.#you have people who honest to god love you for who you are and appreciate your company. and 18 is the first step.#you've spent half your life unlearning things and you've spent half your life relearning how to be what YOU want to be#and if you're a mediocre artist and passionate writer then you'll be fucking great at that. taking the time to learn when it strikes you.#and maybe this is for me. but its also for anybody reading it too. please god if there's one thing you take from this let it be that#somebody out there cares. *I* care. god i care. even if we've never spoken proper i care about you.#i practically have a list of everybody i see in my inbox. i love seeing familiar names show up. i.#i dont know how to neatly wrap up this tag ramble. but. i am so damn full of love it hurts sometimes. its scary to be happy but thats ok!
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now bc of that one post abt zelda getting fridged whenever that one guy directs a zelda game im thinking abt tetra just getting turned to stone in ph and like. what would it have been like if she were an actual character in ph. what would she have done how would this have changed the story
#not gonna do a whole lot of tagging im just musing. if you wanna rb or reply with ideas thats great#im not the person to figure this out bc i dont actually care much abt tetra#not like oh i hate her but like. i only played ph and what i see of her beyond that has not endeared me to her#shes fine i just dont get it. ig cuz i didnt play ww but eh#cuz like. ok. pretty much the majority of phs plot relies on tetra having been turned to stone and fixing that#and me being the autistic little freak i am the psrt that also makes it hard for me to wonder what could happen if#tetra werent stone and that making the game better is like. ok what about linebeck and his arc#listen his arc is so fucking good and hes great and i dont think his arc would have been so good if link wasnt the character he was put wit#cuz link is a great foil and despite having minimal characterization has just the right personality to nudge linebeck along#cuz hes def part of what inspires some of that change in linebeck so idk what might have happened#if tetra was an active player interacting with him in ph too. cuz like idk most of the time when i see people#do stuff where they interact its usually tetra one upping linebeck or whatever and thars like. ok thats whar ciela does#maybe im reading into it too much and focusing on linebeck. idk how you couldve done and changed#the plot of ph to include tetra without just straight up rewriting the whole thing or putting link away#bc look me in the eyes. i do not think linebeck would have developed the way he did without having met link specifically#salty talks#idk i feel like linebecks arc is the best bit of story in ph so i want that to remain more or less intact bc thats where a lot of#the emotional stuff comes in at the end. his dialogue in the ghost ship battle and the final boss. its important#i dont think about tetra much cant you tell. so id leave this to someone who actually cares abt her as a character
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Me, explaining things in a way that's completely incoherent: I don't understand what you find so difficult to comprehend???
#i think the problem is that something in my brain structures information in a way thats hard for other people to understand#it may be a dyslexia thing. but it is the most frustrating thing to be misunderstood without any#idea of howbwhat ur saying doesnt make sense. like. look. fucking. its right there. laid out in a way that looks like an absolute disaster#bc u would think with as many control issues id b extremely organized but no. i kno where everything is#but its in a pile. aye. this project is such a clusterfuck#this is how my brain collapses. what sort of shape will i b in by the time we finish? (ie my birthday lol)#let's not think abt it. it wont b good.#everyday i get texts and emails and i have to put my head down and take a deep breath so by brain doesnt explode. the amount of psychic#pain i am burdened with when i open my manuscript doc is shocking.#is this my villian origin story? ive lost the ability to not look like im in pain while im in meetings. if u pay close attention u can see#the misery behind my eyes. my boss is gonna turn up the 23rd and b like: ready to go get icecream to celebrate#ur paper and phd accptance? and im gonna b like: i would rather eat glass#if u try to rope me into a surprise party i might walk out. excpet i wont bc im not that much of a brat#theres nothing to celebrate. just let me lay down on the floor for a while#unrelated
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