#its just so funny to me how transparent it can be like. ‘sam is so fucking annoying i hate him. also i find him ugly and dean is so hot.’

[quietwingsinthesky]

funniest part of spn fandom is when people go “ugh i can’t STAND sam (or dean) because he’s so self-righteous and annoying and selfish and mean to his brother-” as if these are not traits that apply to them both equally. putting aside that yes, sometimes characters will be characters and have aspects of them that bring them into conflict with other characters, (even characters you might like! scary!) the show’s been off the air for like four years now, can we not all just admit at this point that 99% of brother favoritism isn’t about who they are as characters and is more about which one you find hot or which one’s daddy issues you were able to relate to more.

[cowboyified]

Below are some WIPs I’m releasing into the wild. They were all written at different times over the past two years so any mistakes/cliches you can blame on past June, I don’t know them. 

Go, be free.

This first one I think is the one I’m most fond of. I had such a vision for it; bottlecaps in trees, river swimming, making out against the fridge, all that good stuff you get with weecest. 

The summer Sam is seventeen they stay in one place for long enough Dean starts referring to it as ‘home’. 

It’s an old farmhouse, miles from any other structure, bar an outhouse and hay shed. There’s a porch running the length of the front and back, the wooden boards pulled up from their nails, wavy with the weather. Weatherboard paint peeling, wallpaper inside torn and missing in most places. 

They’re squatting, technically. The property owned by a family saved by hunters once, friends of friends of Bobby’s, too distraught by what they’d witnessed to raise their kids on cursed land. Dean had told Sam that Dad had been told by Bobby that had been told by Pastor Jim that it was chupacabras. A whole pack of ‘em, feeding off the lambs in the back paddock, tried to take a bite out of the baby girl and Sam had said, “As if man, those things are tiny, I’ve seen pictures, you could kick one and it would limp away like a fucking chihuaha, you scared of chihuahas, huh, Dean?” But Sam still hikes his sheet up under his chin when he hears scuffling under their window between sleep. 

There’s remnants of the house’s past inhabitants still scattered around the place. Sam had stood and slid two inches on the wheels of a tiny replica car that had been jammed under the couch the second day they arrived, piffed it at his brother’s head, who’d caught it, exclaimed that it was Camero, dude, treat her with some respect and had sat it on top of the fridge. 

The bookshelf in the corner of their shared bedroom holds mostly dust and tattered occult books stolen from libraries from all over the country, left by hunters who have found what they’ve needed and moved on. There are a few of the worst Stephen King novels shoved haphazardly on the top shelf and Sam finds something funny in that, the irony in enjoying bad horror when the real deal lurks behind the screen door. 

Dean gives him a look when Sam pulls down and cracks open a copy of The Tommyknockers, snorts, “Haven’t you read that one already?” and Sam says, tucking himself into bed, “Yeah, it fucking sucks, King was royally off his head while writing it, that’s why it’s so good.” Sam finishes three quarters of it in one sitting while listening to Dean’s quiet snores from the other side of the room. 

It’s a ten minute drive to the closest town, an off the highway, invisible to the outside world, kind of one-street community. No reason to take the exit if you don’t already know it’s there, one store, one gas station, one bar in an old brick post office building, unfitting, the carpet pulled up at the corners but home to the best fries Sam has ever had in his life. 

Sam follows Dean out to the courtyard, neither of them are legally old enough to drink but there’s nothing else to do but to get respectably drunk in a place like this, anyone that has lived long enough in the true country is some kind of functioning alcoholic, so Dean orders a beer and isn’t asked for ID. In a town small enough for everyone to know every intricate detail in the threads of dirty laundry, they are foreigners. No one knows where they’re from or where they’re going and Sam knows that Dean likes it that way.

It’s never been a secret that Sam prefers to feel like he has a part in everyday normalcy. Dean thrives under anonymity, gets a kick out of it because it makes him feel dangerous. He had stopped accompanying Sam to school two states ago, a silent agreement with their father when Dean had come home early and helped John cut splits into the tips of bullets instead. Like hell I’m signing up for compulsory extra curricular activities. What’s the point in making friends with people whose biggest concerns are the answers to whatever bullshit test and who fucked who last Friday? 

Finding comfort in a nine-to-five kind of community is a flaw Sam’s been burdened to deal with. 

It’s early afternoon, the courtyard is empty and the table they chose rocks on its legs every time Dean slides his drink over for Sam to share. It’s bitter and Sam hasn’t had enough beer in his life to know if it’s supposed to be like that or if it has just soured from the long journey it took to get from the brewery to their glass. He drinks it and doesn’t grimace because his brother is looking at him through the rays of warm country sun. 

“Tastes like piss, huh,” Dean says, leaning forward out of the light so Sam can see him clearly again. He takes back the glass. 

“S’not that bad,” Sam replies, rubbing the leftover condensation into his hand, doesn’t look at Dean, finds it hard these days, twists in his gut all wrong. Sam knows why. 

His brother hums, “There’s gotta be something else to do around here.”

Sam thinks, Dad’s left the car, we can go wherever we want, but doesn’t say it because his brother is loyal to a disastrous fault. 

That’s a recurring thought. Sam in the shotgun seat, his brother behind the wheel, driving away. Just away, to someplace else and they’d be okay because they’d have each other and all Sam ever needs is his brother, like water. But John will be back in two weeks, term starts again in a month and he needs his father to sign the enrollment forms. Two more years. 

“You see the old dredge outside of town?” Sam asks, remembers passing it when they arrived, all twisted, rusting metal, the bones of it against the setting sun.

“What did I tell you about respecting your elders?”

“You told me that they all smell like porridge and are easily susceptible to sleight of hand. No, Dean, Dredge,” Sam stresses. “Big rusty old machine that pulls minerals out of water.”

“Looking to strike big, Sammy?”

“Yeah, you see, my family is poor, brother at home too dumb to get a job. Our father went to get milk and never came back,” Sam sniffs for effect. “I can’t go home empty handed again, sir.” 

“Ah, a real sob story,” Dean nods in understanding, tips his head back and finishes the beer. “Let’s get out there then, sonny. We shan't let that simpleton, downright fool of a brother go hungry.” Dean jabs Sam in the ribs when he stands, hard enough for him to gasp, gets Sam’s head under his arm before he can recover. Sam claws embarrassingly at his brother’s torso, face pressed warm into the side of Dean’s waist. 

“I will pray for us young Samuel, for I too, dream of riches,” his brother is exclaiming, tripping them out and onto the street. “I only ask that we share whatever bounty dredged as I saw the most exquisite pony a few miles back and I simply must have it.”

And Sam thinks - with his flushed cheek hard against Dean’s skin through the thin sweaty fabric of his shirt, heart beating too fast against his ribs in a way that has nothing to do with exhaustion - you can have it all. 

---

Sam’s brother’s perpetual state of being is ten miles over the speed limit; this can be applied to almost every aspect of him. Dean goes and goes and rarely stops. They’re pushing double that out of town, north of their property, into the forever stretch of flat land and Sam loses himself in it. That idea of away, of going and going and that Dean could take him because he’s an expert in the field. 

The Impala blasts Born To Be Wild and Sam imagines the lyrics spreading out over the dry grass. He rolls the window down and throws his head out, trying his best to keep his eyes open against the road’s wind. The sun beats down, warmth soaking through and into his bones and Sam laughs as the cattle turn to catch a glimpse of them soaring. 

Dean pulls him in, tugs at the back of his shirt, says something along the lines of, what are you, a dog? Should get you a shock collar for all the times you’re a little bitch, but Sam can’t hear him over the roaring of the open window and the look of transparent glee on Dean’s face, it’s loud and assaulting and Sam has to turn away because seeing Dean like that wobbles him dangerously from the nonchalant facade he has going on in relation to how he feels about his brother. But mostly his face hurts from smiling too wide.

Used as a warm up last year. Boyking!Sam

He thinks he’s in Louisiana, maybe. That he got here in the tray of a pickup and that he couldn’t feel the wind in his hair like maybe he should. The driver had stopped for a piss-break and Sam had snapped his neck without his hands.

He rubs them together now, tries to feel guilty but there’s nothing to feel guilty about because his hands are clean; he doesn’t have to use them anymore. 

Sam thinks he’s in Louisiana because he stepped out of the truck and into a wet kind of heat. There’s a church with thick greenery growing over the roof and white wood that’s been mold-blackened by the humidity. He laughs to the darkness because it's very funny to him that he’s driven himself subconsciously to a place of grace. 

He skips up the steps, two at a time, gleefully. The smell of the bayou and rotting wood has put him in a good mood. The lock snaps when he blinks, the chain unraveling and snaking into a coil at his feet. The doors open for him and maybe he did that with his mind too, or maybe they were just expecting him. 

The church has been used recently, its interior better kept than the outside, bibles tucked neatly in the backs of pews, ribbons tied into plaits. The white of the moon falls in blankets through the windows, shadows of leaves moving over the floor like rippling water and the bust of Mother Mary prays for him at the altar. 

Sam spreads his arms and addresses her, says to the room at large, “Shall I repent for my sins, oh Lord?” and it echoes, gives him goosebumps, a current under his skin. He has an audience here because God is omnipresent, this is a place of worship and Sam has always been good at that. 

A church in Louisiana, standing before a plaster of his mother’s namesake in a church for a God he used to think could have some defying factor in a destiny that was always going to be concrete. It’s funny, blatantly. Sam puts his hands gently to Mary’s cold face, kisses her on her lips before crushing her head, spraying ceramic. 

Sam stands behind the lectern, hands red with his own blood now, sticking the pages of the Good Book. He’s read it before anyway. 

“Am I to be forgiven?” 

Last is a casefic I had planned out in 2019. I didn’t get very far into the actual writing part of it, but I still think the setting is cool, less so the plot I had in mind. 

Just outside of Bridgeport, Connecticut there’s a community built on a sandbar. A small secluded semi-island, connected to the mainland by a mile-long beachfront. A town of forty to fifty now abandoned, vandalised residences.

The police find the bodies of the boys there, bleeding out and into the sand, each other’s skin caught under their fingernails. 

Sam watches as his brother pulls the sheet back from one of the corpses, laying blue on the steel morgue tray. He’s a kid, a boy, not even eighteen. Hairless, lanky, multiple stab wounds puckered around his belly and Sam thinks he does not look peaceful for someone who is meant to be at rest. 

Dean is quieter than usual, his body language stiff. They’ve seen their fair share of dead kids but Sam thinks that this one might look a little too much like an adolescent version of himself. Shaggy brown hair, too long limbs, college on the horizon. Sam blankets the sheet back over the boy’s face and hears his brother exhale in what he thinks might be relief.

The coroner tells them that the other two are the same, besides the youngest one. He’d been blinded, thumbs pushed through his eyes until they popped like grapes. He asks if they want to see him too and Sam says no, thank you, we’ve got what we need.

Which is a whole lot of nothing, but they’ve only just arrived and there’s evidence that doesn’t involve corpses that needs to be checked.

“Pussied out in there huh, Sammy?” Dean says as they’re walking down the funeral home’s front steps, past the manicured roses and trimmed lawn. You see these perfect hedges? We’ll treat your dead mother with the same detailed care!

Sam pulls at his tie and scoffs because he knows he wasn’t the only one uncomfortable standing in the morgue; cases that involve kids always rub them both wrong.

[transhoverfish]

What are everyone's "abilities" in Survivors? Ryley has good hearing and Milo glows but what do the others have?

!!! YOU HAVE ASKED ME ABOUT MY AU !!! THE FLOODGATES OF YELLING HAVE OPENED!!

OK SO. as u mentioned ryley has good hearing and milo glows. basically,

ryley = good hearing

milo = glowy boy

emily = electric detection (cooler than i describe rn my vocabulary is small)

danby = like emily's but reverse. controls electromagnetic things

roman = night vision

jochi = the most superpower like one, he got quick regeneration.

avery = telepathy!

bart = also kind of telepathy but more like future telepathy. he has future vision.

and i. never thought of one for ozzy actually and at this point i have no idea what to give them that wouldn't have been brought up prior so. u know genetics are weird! they just dont have anything ig. nobody look at me LABDKABDLABD

AND ALSO paul and marg have powers! paul got that peeper enzyme carrier thing, and marg got the very funny power of feeling others emotions. yes that includes the fish. yes this is one of the primary reasons she didnt kill paul over a decade of dealing w him. yes she hates it.

and the vesper haven't been sick long enough to develop anything! or at least thats what im going with bc i havent thought of anything for them yet 😔

AND NOW: LONGER EXPLANATIONS. IM GONNA GET CARRIED AWAY SO ITS UNDER A READ-MORE.

first off on the list: bart! so bart.. kinda has futuristic visions?? but the things he sees are not set in the stone,, as in if he dreams about smth (a lot like ryley can!) it is possible to change those events! most of these visions/telepathy type stuff were bc of the emperor and warpers, and also al-an! once the sea emp died and the warpers all calmed down his powers kind of go away a bit. i think i wrote al-an sort of mentioning it in one chap of awa?? but its only kind of implied. so he has rlly similar powers to avery except he can't tell what others are thinking and he can only kind of tell how his closest friends r feeling. so right now bart pretty much doesn't have powers! he can communicate w the warpers and sea emps much easier than the others tho (he's the only one that can talk to warpers! im not sure he'd get along w them after being hunted down by them for like 12 years though KABDLSBRLSHD)

avery has telepathy! this is because when he first shows up he jokes about having telepathy and i was like "haha. WAIT." and then he got telepathy! i realize its a bad idea to not come up with their powers until as im writing but uhhh well. i never said i was a fantastic writer who's smart. KANROSHROSBF.

he also kind of had marg's empathy ability but wayyy dialed back. he can only tell how other humans are feeling and he can only vaguely understand it as opposed to feeling the emotions himself like marg does. so he can kind of tell how others are feeling and he can tell what theyre thinking about! unless of course for plot convince he can't. strong emotions, especially strong negative emotions (ie. fear) can overwhelm him and makes his powers stop working. and if someone is convinced they're right then he wont b able to tell they're lying/hiding something! yay plot convenience!!

roman has night vision. i have no way of making this sound cool he just straight up can see really well in the dark. like a cat. most of the powers were based off where they originally landed and what would help them in that area! and roman landed in the sparse reef, which is so dark all the time i cry thinking about it. so he has night vision! his poor eyesight is probably all kinds of fucked up now tho.

jochi has regeneration abilities! now i know this might sound a bit much but he just heals from cuts and stuff faster and like. he bones heal fast. and he's more likely to survive smth that might usually kill someone, but its like a 10% higher chance of living nothing too much. he doesn't rlly get scars as much as the others, and its healed his old ones a bit more! this is by far the most unrealistic power of them all, but ya know its alien fish planet game who cares. basically bc his life support systems failed his spine got all fucked up and he got infected faster bc he was barely alive for the first few days and spent a lot of time w bart who was looking after him. power helped fix his back, but he still has a rlly bad limp and pretty much constant pain. big mood there khasar 😔✊

emily can detect electromagnetic waves! works best underwater. kind of like ryley's, but instead of hearing noises she can only hear anything electric, like vehicles or ampeels or heartbeats. gets all fucked up during thunderstorms though sadly. she's the only other one that can kind of hear warpers and can tell when ones about to warp around but she cant actually talk back to them. pretty sick if u ask me tho.

danby has p similar powers to her bc ampeels also spawn in the bulb zone. except he can sense them at a much smaller distance, cant hear warpers, and can control the waves around him! mostly just his own tho. so like, he can quiet his heartbeat or make it stop all together. scary power that he does not know how to control. uh oh. but he can also control other creatures a bit! he's very good at hiding bc of this, which is nice bc he loves to hide from scary things. very big mood once again.

milo is glowing powers! looks a lot like the transparency of a ghost levi or a crabsquid, although he isn't as see through as them. you can def make out like veins but not bones or organs. his powers are activated by touch, the more force behind will create more glow and more transparency! a poke = goes away within a few seconds, a slap = stays for a minute or so. instead of bruises, he just glows until the bruise would normally go away. he's basically a living glowstick. i have another joke for this but i cannot physically convince myself to type it bc its some shit emily would say to him and i cannot embarrass him like that LABDLABDKABAKD

andd ryley's super hearing! can hear basically everything within a mile radius at all times. im bad at math and i don't know the metric system but i think that's like around 1k meters. wait does the metric system use mile already. no. ONCE AGAIN NEVER SAID I WAS SMART.

OK ANYWAYS back on track! this means he can hear about half of the crater at all times. he's gotten p good at blocking out background noise and anything far away. typically only hears everything within like 300 meters of himself. so when he does get back to just hearing everything its like. u ever take out headphones in a busy place and everything kinda hurts for a few seconds bc its so much noise. yeah like that but 500x worse. he's able to concentrate on specific areas within this 1 mile field but if its far away it fucks him up good for a lil while. sorry ryley :(

and then the other two degasi! as mentioned before, paul can carry enzyme like the peepers, but he also can kind of make some himself! only small amounts and it works a bit less than the peeper enzyme does. he does not have to cough it up though thankfully it just like. idk how to describe this idea it can just kind of leave through his skin?? he has like no control over his power at all it just kind does its own thing and he deals w it. this is primarily how he and marg survive for so long w/o dying to kharra!

and finally marguerit! highly empathetic abilities that allow her to feel the emotions of anything around her! i thought it would be funny as hell to give MARGUERIT of all ppl Big Emotion Disease. this is a big reason why she has had yet to murder paul and why she's a lot less murderer like in the au. its hard to kill someone if you. you know. can feel exactly what they are. probably the reason she adopted Dog Bart/Legally Preston Emotionally Not. saw sad puppy and felt too bad to leave him. like paul, she has basically no control over it and is one of the reasons she does NOT want to go back to the survivors base and be around so many other ppl, she'd be feeling like, 13 ppl's emotions at one time. all these powers have fucked up drawbacks dont they??

once again sam, robin, jeff, maxim, and ozzy are (for now at least) not gonna have any powers! mutations are weird and ozzy just didn't get anything, and the vesper haven't been sick long enough for any yet!

OK THATS ALL. HOLY SHIT SORRY FOR YELLING FOR 15 MINUTES. GOT CARRIED AWAY. hopefully that explains everything tho OABEOABROANRJS OK BYE MY PHONE IS ALMOST DEAD

[sanchoyo]

danny phantom, season 3, episodes 7-13 thoughts! cannot believe im finishing this series so fast. ...cannot believe it ended like that...uh. one of the weirdest finales to a show I think I've seen, it really stood out against the rest of the series, and not in a good way, in my opinion. I paused to yell in caps lock...several times, I think, out of anger... BUT. ANYWAY, HERE WE GO.

see prev episode thoughts in this tag <3

-the fentons putting the kids to Work in the lab, with NO SAFETY GEAR. AT ALL. THEY JUST GOT BACK FROM SCHOOL AND ARE TIRED!!! and when jack asked how danny his day was and danny tried to say it was bad jack cut him off :( for the 400th time, i am stealing these kids.

-maddie and jack IMMEDIATELY SELLING THEIR LAB AND WORK FOR A LOT OF MONEY. and danny cant get into the portal anymore, oh no!!! he could always just steal vlads I Guess.

-THEY ARE VLADS NEW NEIGHBOR. OH MY GOD. this is a sitcom format. a butler came with the new mansion. i would absolutely try a kiwi fudge milkshake, why is the butler disgusted.

-the..guys in white bought the lab to shoot a missile. into the ghost zone thru the portal. bro i hate these guys

-jazz straight up setting her new bedroom up in the library. i am very very jealous

-"RATED E, FOR ENTRAILS"

-I like how the 14 year olds very quickly realize if the giw destroy the ghost zone itll destroy OUR ZONE because its just. like. the other side of the quarter so to speak. and the giw, a fully funded government agency, didnt consider that...(or worse, are willing to risk that anyway...)

-a...graphic novel version of the constitution? what in the world have you been READING SAM

-'cool, I always wanted to be called a meddling kid!' scooby doo reference...

-can they keep the butler. I love him.

-ecto latte....I also want to try that. is ectoplasm edible...

-YESS I KNEW DANNY WOULD USE VLAD'S PORTAL. vindicated.

-DANNY WHY DIDNT YOU JUST ASK JOHNNY NICELY. STEALING HIS BIKE IS SO SO RUDE.

-youngblood is also into astronaut stuff, thats really cute. and him being like 'phantom, dude!! :D' ALL EXCITED. THATS ADORABLE.

-the slapstick comedy of the giw slipping and falling and running into shit in the lab. is funny, but also, because this lab has NOOO safety codes in practice. god its a wonder dannys the only one to have died here...

-JOHNNY, SKULKER AND YOUNGBLOOD HELPING DANNY!!! I keep saying it but the other ghosts helping him. is my fav thing in the world. and, it's a really good thing the missile in the real world was harmless...otherwise the fentons wouldn't have had a home/lab to come back to...

-WULF WANTED POSTER!!! we havent seen wulfy in so long :( very funny the box ghost is offended by how much these ghosts are wanted for. first off, what do ghosts even DO WITH MONEY. does the ghost zone have its own currency??? what are ghosts BUYING

-the box ghost is So Funny, im so glad hes still got his bubble wrap. u are VERY wanted in THIS house box ghost. you are SO scary king. dont give up on ur dreams

-this needs to be a meme format. I made a transparent version, very very messily, for future use.

-this is a Fellow and a Friend

-box ghost accidentally bringing lunch for everyone, and giving people at the mall free shoes. SHOES ARE SO EXPENSIVE, ID BE SO GRATEFUL. helpful king. i feel SO bad for him lmao, he's putting in SO much effort. he wants the evil aesthetic So bad but hes Just Too Silly. I understand your plight, box ghost....

-oh my god. pandoras BOX. 'THOSE OF US IN THE BOX TRADE' HOW MANY ARE IN THIS BOX TRADE. I WANT IN. pandora is a multi-armed ghost goddess and i love her.

-SKULKER WHY ARE YOU RUNNING FROM THE EVIL UNICORN?? YOURE A HUNTER!! JUST SHOOT IT!!!!!!! JUST HUNT IT!!!

-box ghost...where did you get the cowboy hat. I respect it, i just want to know

-JAZZ COMING IN WITH THE BAZOOKA TO FIGHT THE 10 HEADED DRAGON!!! YEAH!!!!!!!!!!! and the rest of the fentons I Guess

-ignoring the sam/danny moments. I simple do not see them.

-...why doesnt danny just fly over the maze. or do the whole 'real world people act as ghosts in the ghost zone' and turn back!!! I know its just to show off the ghost greek monster designs. but STILL.

-danny being like. um. hi pandora. i found your box. >< polite...PANDORA IS SO GIANT. GIANT GHOST WOMAN. SHES GOING TO BEAT BOX GHOSTS ASS. another ghost thats nice to danny to add to the list :) and HER FORCING BOX GHOST TO APOLOGIZE. and having sandwiches with danny after making box ghost clean up. I LOVE HER.

-DANNYS 'BEWARE' AT THE END JAKHDJFKN

-okay, when dash pulled out danny's seat and was calling him buddy, for half a second I was like 'this is a prank, hes gonna pull it back' BUT THEN FRIGHT KNIGHT MY BELOVED IS BACK. AND EVERYONE STARTS CHANTING FOR DANNY TO BEAT HIS ASS WITH GHOST POWERS AND DANNY DOES WAY TOO EASILY, and im like, yup, this is a dream LMAO

-danny is getting an A+ in science :) my smart son

-DANNY WAKING UP FROM THE DREAM RIGHT BEFORE KISSING SAM AND BEING LIKE 'that was a dream...no, a NIGHTMARE!' same. not to be a hater but, shouldve been val. maybe I am a hater

-...danny running and checking the 'tapes'...why is his whole house constantly being recorded. hes been in ghost form/fights plenty of times in his house. does he have to run and wipe the tapes after?? every single time?? god

-letting this image speak for itself

-this is SO cursed

-NOCTURN'S DESIGN FUCKS SO HARD. the Venice mask vibes. also his space pattern not moving while the rest of his animation does is big chowder vibes. but this guy is basically the sandman but Evil, huh. I love dream plots. also, nocturn's design feels very similar to clockwork, like, red eyes and a scar over the same eye, but also just the purple, and the Cosmic Vibes. I want to see them fight. anyway nocturn's va was also avatar roku AND alfred in several batman cartoons.

-the 'sleepwalkers' designs were super cute in shape (kinda remind me of oogie boogie! pillow-cased shaped, which is appropriate for the 'king of dreams's minions) until I looked closer at their eyes. why do they look sewn shut!! (they open their eyes a few times, so they aren't, but they look like it...)

-I like how this show has been pretty consistent (with a few exceptions) about a Ghost Being Huge (or getting larger) = Very Powerful

-2 months of summer camping??? wtf, do camping things usually take that long?? I've never been to a camping...thing like that. but isnt that basically their entire summer??

-'the entirety of nature is your bathroom!' and thats why I do no camping despite loving nature LMAO.

-sam, at least TRY TO BE NICE TO THE OTHER GIRLS YOU'RE GOING TO BE SHARING A CABIN WITH. also, the amount of times people in this show have their SHOES ON THE BED!!! IM DISGUSTED

-swamp creature Is A Ghost. Big Foot is a Ghost. starting to think in this universe, every single cryptid or legend is a Ghost Actually

-paulina crying not only because star is missing, but because SHE FORGOT HER SUNBLOCK AND SHE BURNS SO EASILY!!!! okay girlfriends

-ghost cops are the real monsters at the camp. i.......I mean. fair. no one missed you walker

-WULF!!!!!!!!!!! WULF IS BACK!!!!!!!! MY FRIEND WULF :D MI AMAS VIN!!!!! kaj danny lernis Esperanto :)

-'relax kid, we arent here to do any harm' *immediately shoots danny* yeah. ghost cops. and also danny bringing walker 'wulf' and walker IMMEDIATELY SUCKING DANNY IN A THERMOS. FUCK OFF

-haha walker Bald. and haha walker Frozen Now

-the fenton thermos can...reverse its polarity to close portals? okay

-LIBERA MIA AMIKO. :")

-ohhh they end the ep with them star gazing, thats pretty cute...

-dani is back! ...with a new voice actress? wiki says AnnaSophia was in 3 diff movies in 2007 when this aired, so she was probably too busy... (including, bridge to terabithia aka the movie that ripped my heart out that I mentioned in the first ep Dani was in...kinda wanna rewatch it now)

-shes still scared of vlad, who's still being creepy and spying on her. 'shes hardly going to come home to daddy!' I WONDER WHY. also does vlad's cat look more evil than last time? love the concept of him going shopping for cats and being like 'give me your most EVILEST looking cat, please, so I can pet it in my spinny chair dramatically!' ...oh god white cat hair on his black suit. I have a black cat and her hair is still way too noticeable..

-vlad has a big 'valerie' button in his office. can he be pressing that button every episode, thanks

-'theres a GIRL called dani phantom?' yeah valerie. no relation, obviously, even with her looking EXACTLY like danny. so sad valerie just wants to help her dad and her get out of the place theyre in now and vlad using her. ill MAUL HIM

-dani having to STEAL FOOD. :( and valerie immediately being like oh poor kid :(( and trying to help her!!! and then dani immediately helping valerie!! this episode is starting SO well

-...and then valerie catching her. DAMN IT. and being surprised dani knew danny?? HELLO VALERIE I KNOW YOURE SMARTER THAN THIS. I AM SO SORRY THEY WROTE YOU THIS WAY. I STILL LOVE AND BELIEVE IN U !!!

-valerie lying her ASS off for a chance at gettin danny. ok <3 also 'they couldnt catch a ghost if it was living under their own roof' JSDHKJHNK

-danny. why dont you just tell valerie!! this would be so much easier if he was direct. there is NO way valerie would hurt danny (fenton) she'd be HORRIFIED. esp since she got on board helping dani!!

*is held* :)

-look at valerie and danny. flying together. about to go beat vlads ass together <333

-DANI SCREAMING AS VLAD IS MELTING HER. WHAT THE FUCCCK

-...fucking vlad convincing valerie hes a good dude with his stupid duplication. FUCK. DANNY JUST TELL H E R

-jesus christ how many times has danny had to watch loved ones die. even if she didnt stay perma-dead. glad they fixed her...

-valerie and dani pranking danny when he came out, oh :( cute...them havin fun and laughing together...babies

-BUT THEYRE JUST LETTING DANI LEAVE, AGAIN??? SHE WAS PREVIOUSLY STEALING FOOD. CHRIST GIVE HER A PLACE TO LIVE. OR A FAMILY. actually, I think it'd be really cute if, since danny isnt ready to out himself, dani went and lived with valerie?? dunno if her dad would have the money but,, it'd be a cute concept. big sis valerie...

-'tomorrow, it's game on!' 'and ill be ready to play!' THE FLIRTING....DANNY/VALERIE REAL

-oh my god,, valerie found out about vlad in the end. But he doesn’t know she knows!!! the DRAMA!!! HOLY SHIT THAT ENDING.

-this episode was. SO Much and probably one of my favorites out of s3. (I mean, there has been a gross lack of valerie this whole season, so thats not a hard choice to make...)

-FINALE EPISODE TIME.

-the title screen looks different! so no title card...

-vlad has his own fucked up satellite that looks like him?? okay. why does the animation look so different?? are they mixing cg in?? for what. anyway, vlad and the gang in SPACE. danny is 100% living his astronaut dreams rn

-'defeating frostbite' YOU BETTER NOT HAVE. YOU STOLE HIS COOL MAP. FUCK YOU VLAD

-wait oh my god. vlad is the final series boss, isn't he. I half expected a fake out, for another boss to show up midway, and for him to finally have to have a real truce with danny for this ep. ITS THE FINALE. VLAD FEELS SO UNDERWHELMING.

-And it's like-- his character isn't bad, i just feel like..he has more potential! they WANT him to seem like some smart super evil genius, but the way he's written makes that SO hard to believe...but the solid backstory and design is THERE and its FRUSTRATING.

-...DANNY CALLING VLAD OUT SAYING HE NEEDS THERAPY LMAOO THATS WHAT IVE BEEN SAYING.

-my grandpa technus is in the finale too :) 'well look on the bright side, at least im not downloading them illegally!' he says while stealing dvds. feels like hes calling me out. im watching this series on a bootleg website lmao. anyway, him turning the tech into a transformer. love that

-mASters BLASters sTOp diSAsterS shut the fuck up. you will never be valerie or danny. bite chomp kill. violence

-like this if u crie everytiem

-my god the 3d/cgi mixed in looks SO BAD IT DIDNT AGE WELL AT ALL

-the white stripe in dannys hair kinda rules tho. did he just KILL HIS GHOST HALF??? 'revert his human half back to normal' UM. you ever unkill yourself. why are his friends/jazz so mad about it, he'll be in a lot less danger!! christ. they can still hunt ghosts!! as humans!! if they want to!! hes 14 if he wanted to be normal. let him. vlads stupid little team has things COVERED apparently. why are they acting like this. jazz would never act like this. is this fake whats going ON

-oh my god jack was in a college band. vlad was also in the band. what did instruments they play. i didnt need that headline to tell me they sucked, but i want to KNOW MORE REGARDLESS

-valerie was here for 0.3 seconds.

-sam calling danny selfish. the audacity. no one is stopping YOU from hunting ghosts, girl. valerie does it!!

-I'm halfway through the episode and incredibly underwhelmed so far.

-why would they send jack and 3 teens to space to destroy the asteroid. why not professional astronauts. not even the 3 teens that have already been to space this episode...

-jack getting beat up by teenagers. ON TV. IN SPACE. I GUESS. I GUESS EVERYONE AGREED TO SEND JACK BECAUSE..VLAD SAID SO? we know it was to embarrass jack, but why would everyone agree. why didnt any other space program Do More or whatever, they sent like, 3 rockets/missiles tops?? no way

-danny attempting to punch vlad in the face. i WISH HE WOULDVE LANDED THAT HIT.

-vlad outed himself on live tv, on purpose? and BLASTED AT THE TEENAGERS HE HIRED. LMAO. HES HOLDING THE WORLD HOSTAGE, MAKING THEM PAY HIM BILLIONS TO STOP THE STUPID ASTROID. THATS YOUR GRAND PLAN??? REALLY. REALLY. im like. lmfao

-jack just now, on the last episode GETTING TOLD HE MADE VLAD A GHOST. THIS SHOULDVE HAPPENED WAY SOONER. jack's reaction was one of the only times in this entire show hes seemed human. 'an old friend? no. you? yes.' GET HIS ASSSS ACTUALLY. HE STRAIGHT UP LEFT VLAD IN SPACE. GOD DAMN. that is a Murder! I mean, I guess vlad could fly back to earth, but...I mean, he'll have to, right? no food in space. (that we KNOW of...)

-'thE WHolE EArtH, INTangiBLe?!' oh my god.

-...the white strand of hair somehow still had ghost dna, I guess, and getting blasted turned him back into phantom. I GUESS. I GUESS.

-the fentons being the first to clap for danny despite not knowing hes phantom...that was sweet. and very sudden character development, not at all gradual over the course of time or episodes like it probably should have been...

-sam and danny kissing. IT SHOULDVE BEEN VALERIE, BUT OKAY, I GUESS. also, its a little underwhelming, considering theyve kissed already...

-ALL of the ghosts being ready to beat danny's ass? really. no they wouldn't, they've worked together before, and some of those ghosts are friendly!! cringe. why is the last ep written like this. I mean they came thru at the last minute but. was really cringing for a minute there, why did they write it like that

-valerie is there for another 0.3 seconds! ....she should've been more involved. dani is also there! for also like 0.3 seconds. almost fast enough to miss. (btw, I think shes still homeless at this point, are, we going to...do ANYTHING ABOUT THAT IN THE LAST 5 MINS OF THE SHOW)

-the cgi smoke or whatever it is. this whole post is me saying the cgi is bad, but IT IS.

-'danny or should we say. DAAANNNNY.' this is like the 3rd or 4th time hes been outed damn, but to the whole world, again. and valerie saw, and is just. an extra in the bg clapping. bro im so mad.

-TUCKER IS THE NEW MAYOR? WHAT THE FUCK?? HES 14.

-i think. this is still linked to the dream ep a few times ago. hes still dreaming. this is a plot a 14 year old would write. this feels like a bad fanfic. so much got rushed, and not tied up. vlad wasnt really even the villain this episode, a fucking. non-being asteroid was.

-they kiss again. ok. sure. whatever at this point.

-VLAD IS NOW A FREE-ROAMING SPACE NOMAD. I GUESS. THATS. SURE. WHATEVER. THE END, I GUESS. cannot believe I'm saying this, but: they did vlad dirty.

-IF YOU'RE GOING TO MAKE HIM A VILLAIN, MAKE HIM A VILLAIN!!! DON'T MAKE IT A METEOR!!! STOP BEING WISHY WASHY WHO WANTS TO SEE DANNY VS ASTEROID!!! I didnt even WANT vlad to be the final villain because his character is SO back and forth (esp this season.) but he has done some FUCKED UP SHIT AND I WANTED THE WRITERS TO DOUBLE DOWN, PERSONALLY, IF THEY HAD TO MAKE HIM THE FINAL BOSS. the cabin ep where he basically held danny and maddie hostage? FUCKED. THE DANI THING? FUCKED. FUCKING COMMIT AND MAKE HIM ACTUALLY SCARY OR HAVE HIM FUCK OFF AND AGREE TO A TRUCE!! WHAT IS THIS DYING IN SPACE NONSENSE. (and, he will (fully) die out there, right? still half human, still needs food and water. I imagine he'll like, slowly half-die but this time his human side is dying. will he come back 100% ghost? we dONT KNOW. WE DONT GET TO SEE, ITS PLAYED LIKE SOME FUNNY THING AT THE END, THEN THATS IT!!! WHAT!!!)

-I don't know how to articulate how FRUSTRATING THAT IS. having him basically out himself and ''hold the world hostage'' does not track at all in my brain. like. he's always been scary because he is HUMAN, TOO. like, if he was 100% ghost, he'd be LESS scary, but vlad MASTERS has more power and influence than vlad PLASMIUS because of his position as mayor, his money, too, and his (supposed, s3 made me doubt it) intelligence/manipulation skills, and his being in good graces with jack made it HARD FOR DANNY. him outing himself for,, money and to 'control the world' i guess?? MONEY WAS NEVER HIS LIKE, MAIN GOAL. yeah obv he likes money and is materialistic and values his Rich Life, but hes got billions, the end goal? 1. getting maddie (and or danny as his son, but to me he always treated that as secondary) 2. ruining jack. this feels like they wanted to say 'oh he just wants POWER' which is. HMM?? OKAY?? obv he /does/ want power (usually over certain ppl, tho), but seeing him try to get it like this FELT WEIRD SOMEHOW. weird like the ep where he tried and failed to take over various historical civilizations, because like,, how is that realistically going to do anything for him?? just, being in that time forever and never seeing maddie aka Goal #1 again?? HELLO??? this was like that, but worse

-this was such a weird ending to an entire show. why did season 3 only have 13 episodes?? why did it feel so weirdly paced?? WHY WAS THE ENDING LIKE THAT. I think. I am going to pretend I did not see that. fucked up, dudes. I'm like...hm. I shouldn't have watched that because now I'm mad. valerie sweetie im SO sorry you shouldve been more present. it felt like..if they knew this season was going to be short, and the last season, they should've spent more time wrapping up EVERYONE'S plot lines for the entire season. imagine how cool it wouldve been if every single ep of season 3 was working towards something, a big, nice wrap up at the end, with nothing feeling TOO rushed because they'd been heading towards the End for the whole season....

I will probably end up writing a follow up full series thoughts post. In a couple of days so I can sit with my thoughts. BUT. overall, I really liked the show! (ignoring the finale and some of the moments that aged pretty poorly...) it was charming and a fun concept and very fun to watch in general :) and I am pretending the finale didnt happen <3 and I’m gonna dive RIGHT into the dp tags and mix fanart and posts in my queue, very excited to run and look at that 🏃🏻 (and, of course, make more fanart myself hehe >:3)

[principalles]

the mornings when it’s hard to let go.

@loveurn

why was there a need for so many sensitive spots on a single human body? 

the neck, the hips, the chest, the stomach and if that hand managed to get to its lower destination, jamie would have to kiss her morning schedule goodbye. so absolutely not. hard as it may be, she let out a frustrated, elongated whine and for the third time that morning yanked herself off the bed and away from sam--and his prying hands. really trying her endurance today.

“ok, no. nonono, i am really leaving now.” 

she’d said so so many times before that even the words didn’t want to sound convincing when they left her mouth. as if her own voice was on par with sam and not her, great. but no, not today, the devil may work hard but jamie had more work to do than him today. first, fix that shirt that had been literally misplaced in so many areas. untuckled, wrinkled, opened--and she had to stop thinking about this because it was making her heat up under the collar she was fixing after arranging her shirt to the best of her abilities. 

“do you really have to though?” well, did he really have to sound so tempting first thing in the morning, and sleepy, and make it so hard for her to not take a look and turn her back quickly to the bed before she accidentally did take a look? no, but he was.

now that her shirt was proper looking, collar done, buttons done, tucked back in her pair of jeans, zip up. jamie let her hands gather into her hair now. the bun she’d successfully managed to tie up, now but a memory mixed in with the weight of his fingers against her scalp. that had been the first thing he’d undone too. 

his fingers were skillful and she supposed that came from him working with them so much. but honestly, were all artists this quick with where they wanted their hands to be? because sam was fast. in cooking, in painting and in undressing her, but mostly in getting his hands where he shouldn’t when she was trying to be decent and on time for class. 

by then, jamie trusted herself enough to turn around and face him, so she did. elastic band between her lips as she tried to gather every strands of her hair high up. he looked way too pleased with himself from where she was standing and she couldn’t even pull a proper mad face at him. so instead, this face was all but a sulking one, even better accentuated when she had the elastic off her lips and in her hands, then twirling in her hair to finish that bun. 

then she regretted ever thinking she was reeled in enough to take him in, because now she wanted to kiss him goodbye. however, that had been what she’d intended the first time around which had ended in no damage being done and her escaping safely without any dishleving issues. 

then she’d listened to his apologetic words, inciting her to come back and that he’d behave and the second time had been the disaster she’d just fixed. 

but god help her, she really, really wanted to kiss him. with that lazy smile and that content look and the way his gaze was intently rolling over her then moving back to the flush he’d put there to begin with. 

“don’t look at me like that.” 

jamie startled a bit, dropped her hands that had been in their frozen state up in her hair and let them fall almost defensively to hold onto her hips. 

“like, how--like what?” “you know.” 

ugh, she really couldn’t win. worse yet, he’d of course managed to get a smile out of her for that. her eyes might roll as much as she wished to, jamie knew her expression betrayed what she knew and only he was privy to. to be fair, sam was also the one who pulled whatever they both knew out of her. jamie could admit that whatever reaction she could get from him because of a simple look had maybe, maybe gotten her into all the trouble she was in this morning. 

but she had to go, right? she swallowed, let her tongue slide over her lips and craned her neck as she took a few steps backwards. to the door. where she had to be. where she’d worked so hard to make him let go to. so she could head out. but the door was so far and so close and right before hitting it with her back jamie let out a low whine and pointed her finger out twirling it around.

“can you turn around? i mean, like look away!” she yelled, sort of. which only made sam laugh, of course, right because this was so funny. oh so funny. then stay right where he was. in fact, he even grabbed the pillow against his cheek and settled further in her sheets, with no intention whatsoever to hear her out or make anything easy at all. 

“why? i thought you were leaving.” “i am!” 

truly. one and two more steps and despite knowing well she was close to the door it still startled her to touch it with her back and the fumbling to find the doorknob was the weakest fumbling ever created in the universe. 

“see, totally leaving.” “okay.” “i’m really leaving.” “have a good day?” “i will, thank you.” 

then silence for a few seconds--jamie still rooted with her back to the door. her hand had left that doorknob of its own accord and against her own wishes, of course. the only sounds that filled the rooms in those seconds were the sound of the wind coming through her opened window, probably gently blowing over the bed and sam. jamie could almost feel it against her skin, the mind and the things it kept in memory was such a strange and strong thing. 

jamie was looking at sam just as he was her, there was something quite transparent in this room right now. 

if not for sam quietly breaking through the silence, “you’re still here.” 

“i am.” “do you really have to go?” “i really have to--but,” “but?”

how could she put this into words? 

“it’s really hard to say goodbye right now.” the truth was always an easy route. as weird as it was and felt, counting the fact that she’d done this many times before with great ease. she just was finding it really hard to leave this morning. it was partly sam’s fault, but she couldn’t let him take all the heat. it wouldn’t be fair to act like she hadn’t instigated most of the situations where he’d simply pulled her further in. 

sam, now leaning on his elbows, looked quite serious too now. maybe because jamie was pouting, arms crossed and looking like she truly felt miserable about having to leave the bed and him this morning. what was she? five and being forced to let go of her favorite toy or something? 

“come back to bed.”

sam had to find the perfect words, as usual. 

“i can’t.” jamie reiterated because she really couldn’t. she let out a sigh, pushed off the door, straightening to resolutely make her way out. “i’ll see you in the evening.” 

shoulders squared she finally turned away to get the door opened--”wait!” 

“sam!” 

she’d finally made it to the door opening! jamie turned around to complain, yes, outrightly so but was immediately shut up by the sight of sam getting out of bed. half naked and carrying the goddamn sun light passing through the curtains in his back in a view she was sure books were written about. very good books about very good looking men. 

“no, no. no. don’t do that. nooo!” 

arms held out as she could, jamie was done for. absolutely, done for when sam was this decided. striding straight her way and pushing the door back closed, then leaning over her, arms on either side of her head. 

“i don’t want you to go either.” he said right before he kissed any other protests about to come from her. there would have been meek anyways. meek and useless. as usual, sam had the right words, the right timing, the right action, the right everything and this kiss had just undone every resolution she’d built this morning to step out of this bedroom. 

her hands found his sides, the warmth of his skin against her palms was enough to get a sound out of her that he swallowed quickly. it made her toes curl, actually curl then lift her up before sam’s hands were on her, helping with the lift.

pulling that well put on shirt out of her jeans as he did so, his fingers were not shy about sliding where they’d gotten the shirt off too. jamie was going to have slight regret when she would go about asking for notes about this morning class, but she could hardly think about that when sam was kissing her like this. 

all soft and giving and demanding and all so right. she couldn’t leave now, impossible, and she wouldn’t.

she wouldn’t protest him guiding her back to bed, or object against finding the warmth he left back in the sheets. the rest of the world could go on about its day, all jamie wanted was to not leave theirs today. 

[mst3kproject]

Jungle Moon Men

The title of this movie is a fucking trick.  There are no moon men at all, just a tribe who worship a moon goddess who will die if she goes out in the sun, like the albino Sumerians from The Mole People.  Deeply disappointing.  It was produced by Sam Katzman, who made an enormous number of incredibly bad movies including Teen-Age Crime Wave, and features Myron Healey from The Incredible Melting Man.  There’s also quite a lot of material that is very unfortunately reminiscent of Jungle Goddess.  I already know I’m going to hate this movie, but I’m watching it anyway because I have a blog.

Our Hero, Johnny Weismuller, and his buddy Kimba the Chimp are hired by adventurous archaeologist Ellen Marsten to take her deep into the jungle, or at least the Spahn Ranch, on a quest for an ancient civilization who worshipped the sun god Ra.  Instead, they find a tribe of little people who are ruled by a moon goddess called Oma, the last survivor of an ancient civilization who were swallowed by the Earth after Ra became angry that they’d discovered the secret of eternal life. Nobody is allowed to leave the lost city of Baku, but Johnny and Marsten have to get out somehow, or they’ll be fed to the sacred lions.  Maybe they can take some of those diamonds from the temple with them when they go.

Not only are there no moon men in this movie, there’s not even any jungle.  Most of the movie was shot in the open scrubland of Corriganville, California, without even an attempt to make it look jungle-ish.  The people making the movie knew this, too, because all their animal stock footage is of the savannah.  I think the ‘Jungle Trading Post’ building that appears in the background of one shot is actually a zoo gift shop.  I can’t entirely blame the film-makers for this, since it’s clear that their budget did not remotely extend to going anywhere jungle-ish, but they didn’t even try.  They couldn’t shoot in the woods?  They couldn’t even hang a couple of vines?

There are definitely no black people in this movie, except for maybe some of the stock footage when you really can’t see anybody’s face well enough to tell.  All the ‘Africans’ are played by white guys who aren’t even wearing any makeup.  The Aribi people, whose chief Nolimo wants revenge on Oma for the death of his son Maro, are a bunch of guys in culturally insensitive costumes which, were it not for the leopard print, could have equally well allowed them to be background ‘Indians’ in some terrible budget Western.  They even talk in the same forced broken English. The Moon Men are a bunch of short people in shitty Ewok cosplay.

There’s some Egyptian-type iconography in the city of Baku.  A lot of it looks like the kind of thing you’d get if you asked a bunch of sixth-graders to paint something Egyptian without looking at any references.  They weren’t even talented sixth-graders.  Most of the ‘hieroglyphics’ are just squiggly lines, and everything Marsten says about ancient Egypt is transparently, infuriatingly wrong.  She talks about a ‘white civilization’ that flourished there long ago, and how the Egyptians had lost wisdom that would tell us why there are different races and why there are tall people and short people.  I’m truly shocked she never mentioned aliens.

The actual story is surprisingly engaging at points.  Jungle Moon Men is not a long movie, only sixty-five minutes including the credits, but there’s quite a bit going on in it.  Aribi chief Nolimo is seeking his revenge, although he gets entirely forgotten about for most of the movie because even fake black people aren’t allowed to do anything in these movies.  An unscrupulous guy named Santo wants to steal the moon men’s diamonds.  Marsten keeps finding ‘archaeology’ and spouting off ‘ancient legends.’  When it actually gets going, Jungle Moon Men steams along quite nicely and makes us want to know what happens next.

Yet the movie still manages to spend an awful lot of time dallying around doing nothing.  There is, for example, the whole opening sequence – first a narrating voice drones on about the Law of the Jungle over a selection of animal stock footage in an attempt to establish that, despite all evidence to the contrary, this story is set in Africa.  Then we get a useless sequence in which Kimba the Chimp is fishing, and Johnny swims down to tug on his line just to tease him.  Kimba’s supposedly humourous antics fill up quite a bit of the movie, and they’re almost always irrelevant except at the climax, when he sneaks in and unties everybody before the Moon Men’s pet lions can eat them.  He’s also badly-dubbed, with loud chimp noises playing over scenes in which Kimba’s mouth isn’t even open.

There’s an extended funeral sequence for Maro, which does nothing at all except show us a bunch of embarrassed extras in skeletal makeup bouncing in a circle.  The worst thing in the movie, however, is the part where Marsten and her friend Prentiss go hunting with bows and arrows, ultimately killing two pigs and an out-of-place puma… and I’m not entirely sure but it looks like these three animals were actually killed, just for this movie!  The scene establishes that they’re good shots but that wasn’t necessary because shooting things with arrows is never important to the plot. This movie killed three animals for no reason.

The Moon Men themselves, such as they are, are at once supposed to be threatening bad guys and objects of fun.  Their mastery of poisons and accuracy with their blow darts makes them sinister enough, but their costumes are absurd and other scenes show them struggling to open the door to the lion cage, or the useless bit where one of them tries to steal a jeep but cannot control it and just drives it into a ditch.  Sometimes the punch line is lol, they’re short! and sometimes it’s lol, they’re stupid primitives! and either way it’s obnoxious and offensive.  The only joke that works is when they sneak into the tall people’s camp disguised as shrubs, which is funny mostly because of the better movies it reminds me of.

There is kind of a theme to the movie, though – it’s about where information comes from, and what biases people bring to it. First there’s the fate of Maro. In the mind of his father he was kidnapped and murdered, while the Moon Men say he was chosen by the goddess herself for the great honour of being Oma’s high priest, and had to be punished for his senseless betrayal.  Marsten and Prentiss are friends but tell very different stories about how romantic that friendship might be.  When Oma catches Santo and Johnny fighting, with stolen diamonds all around them, each blames the other until she gets tired of the whole thing and throws them both to the lions.  Oma tells her guests that the Moon Men love her and serve her willingly, but after her death they celebrate because they are no longer slaves.

Oma herself is a pretty blonde woman, much like Greta from Jungle Goddess, but she really is some kind of immortal being who holds herself up as a goddess, rather than being a lost heiress whom the natives just assume was divine because she was paler than them.  I guess that’s better… maybe… the movie still holds whiteness up as being nearer to godliness.  She’s also fully dressed, though her white gown looks nothing like the Ewok costumes the Moon Men wear, and is never treated as a sex object.  There is no implication that her high priest is expected to sleep with her, and neither Prentiss nor Johnny fall in love with her, or she with them.  That’s definitely an improvement.  There is, furthermore, one really nice moment when she demonstrates that she’s way more afraid of the sunshine than she is of the lions – the latter are just cats, while the former is the incarnation of a god who has sworn to punish her.

Ellen Marsten is never a sex object, either. She spends the whole movie fully clothed and is never in any peril that the men aren’t in with her.  Everything she says is stupid but within the world of the film she’s clearly supposed to be an expert in her field.  Prentiss is in love with her but respects her enough to remain friends despite the fact that she doesn’t return his feelings, and at the end of the movie Marsten herself is not ‘with’ either him or Johnny. She is a character, not a love interest, so that’s refreshing, too.

None of that’s enough to save the movie, though.  It’s a cheap, shoddy, racist train wreck with a side of animal cruelty.  It’s also a ripoff, having stolen a lot of its major plot points from H. Rider Haggard’s She.  I could talk about that in more detail, but I haven’t actually read She, only seen other movies based on it, and I honestly don’t care.  I don’t hate Jungle Moon Men as much as I did Jungle Goddess or Black Dragons, but it’s pretty damned bad.

[hiei1300]

An Avenger’s Secret

Chapter 13: Getting Back Into Action

Pairing: Loki x Female Reader

Summary: Being the epitome of professionalism, you have one rule that must be followed to the T; Never mix business and personal. But how will your integrity fair against meeting the Avengers, or better yet, a certain Avenger’s brother?

A/N: I know I haven’t posted anything in some time, but hopefully you guys are still eager to read. This story is still going and I’m trying to catch up on the time I’ve missed. Thank you all for your support so here’s the next chapter. (Please let me know if I missed anyone in the tags. TY)

Word Count: 2516

Warnings: None (That I can see anyway)

Chapter 12

The day continued with seldom tension than it had started with. The biggest difference came from you actively avoiding Henry to the best of your ability, even if it meant sharing the company of the ones that held the most contempt toward you.

When you were unfortunate enough to be stuck with your living headache, the conversations were something in of themselves. With the day already packed with excitement, those in the vicinity would look on in curious wonder at the spectacle you made in the presence of the newest guests in the building.

Your interactions with the smaller female was nothing but sweet and caring, as if you were around a toddler almost, or a walking teddy bear. Your eyes softened in her direction, your smile was genuine and sweet, and you were always ready to help in a moments’ notice. The interaction was quite different than what you would show to anyone else, though you were more relaxed around Tony, you were never quite as attentive with him than you were with E. And they could see why, Elli was as sweet and friendly as any one person could be. Laughing and smiling with everyone and at nearly everything. There was this aura about her that seemed to make everyone happier and calmer, it was really quite welcoming.

Then, there was the other guest, Henry. If looks could kill, he’d be done in well over a dozen times by now. Every interaction with him was filled with silent bitterness and an eerily calm demeaner. Where E was met with a motherlike response, Henry’s was the complete opposite.

Elli asked for tea? Coming right up, even brought over a plate of cookies, careful, they’re hot. Henry asked the same? Oops, the boiling water just so happen to spill on his lap, the cookies fell on his head, or, “You have legs, get it yourself.”

Honestly, from an outer perspective, you’d think there was a case of a split personality happening here.

And in every instance, Henry’s smile never left. Should he get the opportunity to be next to you, he’d take it in a heartbeat.

Washing the dishes? He was leaning against the counter.

“Why do you always think so poorly of me?”

“Henry, I’d have to care about you to thinking poorly of you. Go die in a ditch for all it concerns me.”  

Washing the clothes? He blocked the only exit.  

“If you need help with anything you know you can ask. I’m a great asset.”

“You’re off by two letters.”  

And in every moment, he almost never seemed to stop talking.

The guy had a set of lungs like no one else, seldom anything would get him to stop for five seconds. And if he wasn’t preoccupied with you or E, he would attempt to share the space with one of the others.

Steve and Banner would humor him and hold the conversations well. Bucky wasn’t so eager and understood your distain for the guy. Same went for Clint and Sam. Nat didn’t get the full blunt of his presence, as whenever he even attempted to approach the assassin, you came about and generously escorted him away from her.

Elli had asked for a blanket to snuggle with as she watched TV with Nat and Clint. You graciously brought over a soft fluffy one straight from the dryer. Placing sandwich squares for the three to snack on while they sat.

“Thank you (Y/n).” the two said in union.

“What about me?” Glaring at Henry, “I’m cold too.”

“Want me to set you on fire?” Very flat, blunt responses. It was amusing to a few of the Avengers, mainly Sam and Bucky would get a good chuckle from anything that came from your mouth. Though you didn’t make it obvious, it was a little funny when you could get someone to laugh from all of this, even a little smile would form on your lips when you were sure no one was looking.

Every interaction continued in the same manner. You were sweet with E, nasty toward Henry, but what really got noticed was your attitude toward everyone else.

You were going back to normal as the day came to an end, even your demeaner to Rogers was shifting back to its first moments of professionalism and indifference.

Right now, as everyone was settling in for the night, Tony offered Elli and Henry to stay the night but they graciously declined. E still had to go home to her pets and you really didn’t care where Henry went so long as it was away from you.

“I never thought I’d ever see you like this.” Looking over at your boss, he sat at the kitchen island with an empty mug in hand. You were hovering next to the kettle on the stove waiting for the water to boil for your tea.

“In what manner are you referring to, Mr. Stark?”

“The way you were acting around your friends, it was quite something.” his smile was amusing at best and his eyes still held that worrying notion. You saw how they would shift ever so slightly at your marks; his brows would twitch and again you were reminded of your personal rule.

“Friend,” you corrected, “only one of them is my friend. The other was a nuisance at best.” just as the pot began to sound, you poured the water into your cup and shut off the heat. “But...”

Feeling his focus sharpen, with a shaky exhale, donning your professionalism once more before retiring for the evening, you turned your attention to the only man that shared your space.

“I do wish to apologize for how I’ve been behaving as of late-”

“(Y/n), you don’t-”

Holding a hand up to stop his protest, you continued,” Please, Mr. Stark, it was out of line and I do feel the need to redeem myself. Be sure that I will do everything in my power to make up the trouble I placed you and your company in. But I do need to set my own boundaries.

I am your maid first and foremost, I cannot stress enough how grateful for the opportunity you have given me, and I will do my job. But when I am here, I am not your guest, I am your employee. As such I feel as though it needs to be clarified that what I do in my own time, in my own life...that it is not for you to meddle in...”

The look on his face was heartbreaking. He knew what you were asking, he didn’t want to lose you, even if it was never said out right, it was evident that he needed you just as much as he needed the others. He wanted to protest, he wanted to lay out ever reason why that was a bad idea, ever reason why you should see him as someone more than just your employer.

Elli told him that you had a hard time letting people into your life, you were afraid. Of what, she never said, but he needed you to know that you didn’t need to be afraid of him. He trusted you, he also knew that you were growing to trust him as well. Whatever it was that was stopping you from relying on him, he needed to be patient.

Over the course of you being there, he came to find that as stubborn as he was at times, you were always set on keeping your word. And one way or another, there would be no way to change your mind once it was set.

“Then I won’t,” getting up from his spot, with a firm look he spoke, “but know this if nothing else, nothing will ever stop me from protecting the people I care about.”

It was an agreement neither of you wanted to yield to. As stoic as you tried, your chest still clenched uncomfortably.

“The moment you are healed, you may begin on making good on your word. No sooner...”

Walking to his room, just before he left, Tony had one more thing to add.

“It’s good having you back...(Y/n).”

And just like that, you were alone. This feeling should be familiar, it shouldn’t feel like this, yet, it feels like the weight only doubled.

Staring into the transparent liquid before you, it wasn’t until you saw something drop into it that you realized the tears forming.

You weren’t shaking, your breathing was even, and your body wasn’t hot. Even with all the control you were showing, nothing could stop the water from falling.

Dumping the cup, you left it there, hurrying away to your room.

The moment the door shut you away from the rest of the tower, everything came out. The crying hurt your throat. The tears blurred and burned your eyes. Every inhale set fire to your lungs and every fiber of your being collapsed right there. You weren’t supposed to get attached, weren’t supposed to care. Just do your job and go home, that was it, that was the deal. That's what you were supposed to do, all of the hard work you put in, to keep everything separate, all of it was gone.

And it hurt.

Crawling into bed, the room felt too cold, too empty, and too isolated.

“I’ll fix this...” you sobbed into the pillow, “I-I-”

-knock-knock-knock-

The sound startled you, pulling the blankets off, you hurried to the door. Wiping the tears away, you were grateful that you kept the lights off, it won’t be easy to notice the state you were in.

With a bit of hesitance, taking a deep breath to even your tone.

“Who is it?”

“I-It’s me...Bucky...”

Confused, you opened the door slightly.

“Mr. Barnes, was there something I could do for you?”

He looked uncomfortable standing there, even with his size, though it might not have been obvious to anyone else, it was clear that he had something on his mind.

“(Y/n), I uh I came to check in on you.”

As simple as the words were, a small sense of dread crept up on you. Please don’t say he heard you crying, please.

“I’m probably one of the last people you want to see right now, but I did want to say how sorry we are, how sorry I am, about everything.”

So that’s what it was, he wanted to make amends.

That fact alone had you releasing a shaky breath you didn’t mean for him to hear. In that moment, he became more aware of your state, even in the dark, the puffiness you dawned became clear as light to him.

“(Y/n), what’s wrong? Are you alright? What happened? Are you hurting?”

You didn’t mean for him to know, didn’t mean to show yourself. But just those question, had you spilling all over again.

Letting himself in, Barnes closed the door as he led you over to sit on the bed. He didn’t know what to do, didn’t know how to help. Here you were, this woman that was set on showing nothing more than a tough and professional demeaner, crying and vulnerable.

You sat on the side of his metal arm, not wanting you to feel more uncomfortable than what you probably already were, making an attempt to get up he was stopped when you held him still.

Even when crying, not a sound left your throat. This was a bad idea; your mind was screaming that this shouldn’t be happening. But you didn’t care, having someone there with you, right now, it was comforting and you wanted to hold on to that comfort for as long as you could.

Bucky still was unsure how to help, but he didn’t know what he could say to make it any better. With a bit of caution, he wrapped his arm around you and held you close. His heart was racing a mile a minute as your arms clung to his torso.

There was no clear time for how long the two of you sat like that, but the moment he felt you dozing off, no doubt from emotional exhaustion, Bucky carefully ushered you into bed.

Before he could even attempt to leave, your grip tightened.

“please...”

It was so subtle, so quiet, Barnes thought he was hearing things. But when you didn’t relent and while cursing himself in the process, he got in bed with you. Pulling the covers over, he hugged you close as you snuggled against his warmth. As wrong as this was, it was comfortable, and if just for one night, you were going to be selfish.

‘Guess I should be happy this arm won’t fall asleep.’

Looking at you lying on the thing he didn’t exactly like about himself, Bucky was going to relish in this moment while he could. Knowing that this won’t happen again, this moment would forever be burned into his mind.

Relaxing his body from the tension, Barnes soon took slumber with you asleep in his arms.

The commotion didn’t go completely unnoticed however. In all that had aspired, you had completely forgotten that the three rooms beside your own were occupied.

Nat and Clint sat against the door in Natasha’s room listening to you cry and James attempting to comfort you.

“Guess she’s not as cold hearted as she’d like us to think.” Clint commented, both of them felt bad. They were able to hear your first round of crying before Barnes came to your room. Being directly across the hall, it wasn’t very difficult.

“Should we get James or leave them?”

“It’s late, let them sleep.”

Next door to your own, Loki heard it all as well. However, he wasn’t quite as keen on leaving you with the soldier. It irked him something fierce knowing that you were in another’s arms. Yet, there was really nothing he could do at that moment that wouldn’t upset you further.

He seethed in his room quietly. He was the one that found you, the one that brought you back to the tower. You had confided in him as he had with you and yet you were sharing your bed with another that was not him.

He remembered that hopeless look in your eyes when he first saw you in that miserable state. It was he who you had leaned your cheek against, he who had seen exactly what it was that you so helplessly wished to hide. And it should be he whose arms that would hold you tight right now and yet it was not so.

The moment he heard you crying, he knew that he should have gone to you, the same moment that the soldier knocked on your door should it have been he to deter him from your chambers. But it was too late. In your vulnerability, another man made way to steal away your company.

Another held you tight, and it only angered him further the more that thought, that fact, repeated in him mind.

Loki, for the worse of it, will not be getting any sleep tonight.

Chapter 14

@harrymewmew @themes87 @pieceofhamiltrash @trashyemonerd @haven-in-writing @jj-trickster @southside-serpent-princess @craftersdust @gravity-9-8 @blazefire2012 @alina-barnes @jayyx3oxo @for-my-mind @spac3unic0rn @manyimaginekay @bim-trimmer-protection-squad @bojabee@imarockstar45 @littlenugget8544 @fallen-imagine-angel @hiddlestoner3059 @sungkimgyu @phanficblr @holland-imagines @bbcsassdeadass @wickedlewicked @nikkalick @i-am-a-mes @anise-d-castle6 @independentgirl

[welcometocheers]

1x20 - Someone Single, Someone Blue

I have so much to say about this episode so I apologize now because this will be completely unstructured as I mentally puke my feelings out in this post.

“I’m no longer looking for a job, I’m now begging for one.” Norm Peterson is me & I am Norm Peterson.

I adore Norm’s lack of self-awareness when he talks about how sad it is that a man sat next to him at the bar for 11 hours the day prior as well as Diane’s lack of self-awareness as she says her mother is “nothing like [she] is” and then describes her as “eccentric” and “hard to take at times”. That particular gag will never not be funny. 

“I didn’t want to go through life being handed money on a silver tray,” Diane says, as money is tossed onto her tray. Absolutely brilliant. Screenshotting this won’t do the scene any justice. It’s such a perfectly executed joke that I might have to just post a clip of it later.

Diane does the absolute most to keep everyone at the bar from talking to her mother (except for Coach because she loves him so much and knows he would never embarrass her) and I adore it.

I also have to point out that Carla is actually doing great work trying to get Sam and Diane to get married. What an ally. She SUGGESTED they should get married and yet we’re supposed to believe she is so against the two of them. Also, the fact that she said the “steaming under the silks” line in front of Diane’s mother. I’m--it’s one of those things I can’t believe they got away with on TV.

“I care nothing-I feel nothing-Sam WHO?” She couldn’t be more transparent. I love two (2) lovesick cows.

Diane: Would you be willing to marry me?

Sam: Boy, this cologne must be doing its stuff.

It’s adorable how nervous Diane is to ask Sam to marry her. If she really didn’t feel anything at all for him, there’d be no reason for her to be so stuttery. Diane’s soft “really?” when Sam does finally agree to marry her is so precious & he’s got the cutest smile when he says “yeah, you bet.” Maybe I love them. It’s also fun to watch this again after seeing season 5 (*SEASON 5 SPOILER WARNING. SKIP TO THE NEXT PARAGRAPH IF YOU HAVEN’T SEEN IT*) where Sam asks and asks and asks Diane to marry him or Diane asks and asks and asks him to ask her again so she can finally say yes. If they’d just got married here they could’ve saved themselves a lot of trouble, huh? 

Also, the heart eyes they have for each other in that scene are too much.

Sam and Diane are pretty much already married though. This is evidenced by the way Sam says “sorry dear” after Diane tells him to shut up. His tone ends me & she’s got the cutest smile on her face and I love them. Not sure if I’ve mentioned that before.

Coach: The day that Diane walked in here I knew the two of you were going to get together, Sam. 

Sam: Coach, this is just temporary.

Coach: Oh, I knew that, too.

The “wedding” scene is one of my favorite things in the series. First, Diane jokes about the situation they’re in and it’s so cute to just see her and Sam laugh together but THEN he reaches out to hOLD HER HAND but the most important thing is watching her eyes during all of this. She starts by looking at him smiling and then her face gets more serious and she’s really looking at him and there’s a moment he realizes her eyes are on him and he kinda stops and turns toward her and does a double take and tries to subtly move away. Like, he’s NERVOUS because he can see on her face that this isn’t just nothing to her. They’re fascinating. Knowing that the next episode is the start of their relationship makes it even better. The feelings here, to an extent, WERE real. They obviously felt something. It’s why she was so hurt regarding the “leer”. They’re so bad at lying to themselves. 

“You’re beginning to sound like my wife or something” and Sam calling Helen “mom” (!!!) are just further pieces of evidence that Sam & Diane are married. Nobody can convince me otherwise.

Diane: I hate your guts and I always will.

Sam: Yeah, well, that goes double for me.

Norm: I understand they wrote their own vows.

The last scene is really sweet. Sam’s first concern is how Diane’s getting home so once again, I’m here to tell you he loves her. Also, I want to point out that Sam & Diane are left alone at the end of this episode. Just saying. Boggs was supposed to be their ride but he left with Helen. And Diane would’ve needed some way to get home. So. Do what you will with that.

Other favorite things:

Strange that you have a mother that wants to see you.

how could anyone miss Diane’s mouth?

you’re almost as handsome as she says you think you are.

Coach’s story about Janet and Frankie

Beagle out there with your name on it.

[sinditia]

Supernatural 13x06

*pockets the cash I won from putting money on this episode being more “com” than “rom”*

Ehem, anyways.  That was a super fun episode, I enjoyed it. Believe it or not, I like it when Dean is smiling and having fun and not when he’s killing himself and wanting to stay dead.  The music was great.  The case itself was, meh, okay, but it served its purpose.  For me, this episode was for demonstrating the new team dynamics. Team Free Will 2.0.  Short-lived as it was, as we soon found out.  But it was nice knowing how everyone stood with each other.

First, Dean.  Man, could you be more transparent, please? He went from being suicidal and nihilistic to a manic giggle-monster who had to physically restrain himself from bouncing off the walls with unbridled excitement, in mere HOURS.  So many of his scenes where comedically inclined.  And like, all those funny little quips in the graveyard?  It’s jarring, to be honest.  I mean, I don’t hate it.  It’s funny. I laughed.  But it’s like he’s a whole different person.  Is it the cowboy thing? Or is it Cas?  Is it both and he’s like overloaded with endorphins right now?

Then, Sam.  “You’re in a good mood,” he points out.  When Dean says Cas being back was a “big win” that he needed so much, Sam goes, “yeah, fair enough” and looks away.  Feel free to disagree, but I feel like Sam is somewhat disgruntled.  I’m not saying he’s not happy seeing his brother happy, I’m sure he is.  But when I say “fair enough”, what I mean is, “okay, I don’t see it the way you do, but I understand where you’re coming from and I’m not gonna argue.”  I feel like Sam doesn’t want to rain on Dean’s parade, but maybe he can’t help but think about his mother, still stuck in that parallel universe.  For all of Dean’s talk about losing Mary AND Cas, Sam knows which loss affected Dean more.  Dean talks more about losing Cas than Mary.  Meanwhile, Sam has made it clear how he feels about losing Mary.  In this I feel like the loss of Mary affects Sam more than the loss of Cas.  

So now Sam sees Dean, the one who lost faith that these people can be saved, having Cas back and all is right and happy with the world, they’re going on a super fun cowboy case, the team’s all together, Dean declaring the four of them Team Free Will 2.0. Mary who?  I don’t think Sam is resentful per se.  I just maybe think he’s a little disgruntled.  He did shut that laptop kinda hard and announced how to split the team somewhat brusquely.  I was hoping they’d explore this a bit more, but to no avail.  I dunno, maybe I’m reading too much into things.

Now, Cas.  I’m inclined to not think this is some huge conspiracy and it’s actually not Cas.  I’m not sure the Big Empty has the temperament to stay in character as Cas the whole time, and like, what would be the point?  What’s the endgame?  I like the new trenchcoat a hell of a lot better than the previous one though.  The married couple banter between him and Dean is just like, whatever, I’m sure my shippy feelings about it have been represented quite well and thoroughly by literally every DeanCas shipper in the fandom. All I wanna know is WHEN Dean made Cas watch that movie?  Like, between which apocalypses did they just relax and hangout somewhere to watch movies?  Oh, and Dean wakes up like a bear?  Really, Cas?  It feels like this episode just demonstrated that there’s so, so much more about their relationship that we’re not shown so like, excuuuse us for going crazy over it.

And finally, Jack.  I am really enjoying his interactions with Cas. Now we have TWO squinty cutie babies! Jack tells Cas that he missed him so much.  And he says that back in the womb, Cas made Jack feel safe.  I suppose Jack was hoping to feel that way again now that Cas is back.  Or maybe he’s already started to feel a little too safe and almost complacent, being too confident and taking risks in the field because now that Cas is back, Jack feels that everything will be okay.  “Cas, I didn’t mean to,” Jack tells him like a kid to his parent after he broke something.  “You have to heal him,” Jack pleads like a kid asking his dad to clean up his mess.

It was inevitable and wholly expected that he kill someone.  It was very interesting to see how his three dads dealt with it.  Sam was placating, using the same points again and again to try to convince Jack that he’s good DESPITE all of this.  It seems like this was the least helpful for Jack and he feels like Sam’s words ring kind of hollow, which was sad.  Castiel was a little more sobering, drawing on his own experiences, ACKNOWLEDGING that they’re mistakes and you learn from them to try to be better.  It seems like Cas was still holding back a little though, demonstrating that Cas still has not truly forgiven himself for all the bad things he’s done.  When Jack said maybe he’s just another monster, he immediately looked to Dean.  I feel like maybe Jack looks to Dean as a kind of moral compass (maybe he senses the righteousness in him?) and his judgment holds a bit more weight than his other dads.  And Dean didn’t beat around the bush.  Yes, you killed a person.  Yes, he had a family.  But you’re not a monster because we’ve all done those things.  

But ultimately Jack still took off.  He’s basically doing a speed-run of Winchester character development.  Right now it seems like he’s at season 6 Castiel, running off on his own in some misguided attempt to protect the people he cares about. Also to find himself I suppose. Storytelling 101 states this is the prime moment for him to be manipulated for evil so we’ll see if Supernatural follows that path of least resistance or try to do something different. Oh and how dope is it that Jack has wings?  I’ve missed that sound.

[supercultshow]

Howdy all you Supercultists out there on the interwebz! I’m Bad Movie Professor Cameron Coker (BS in “Bat Nipples” with a minor in “Ice Puns”) and I’ll be posting my hype-tacular speeches every week along with some long lost speeches from past Supercult Shows!

This week winter has come at last to Supercult in the form of one of the greatest cinematic blunders in all of history: Batman and Robin!

Batman and Robin are back in the fourth film in the Batman superhero series and the second film in the series directed by Joel Schumacher. George Clooney stars as Bruce Wayne/Batman while Chris O’Donnell and Michael Gough return as Dick Grayson/Robin and Alfred Pennyworth, respectively. The dynamic duo are back to protect Gotham City from villainy, but when the cold-hearted Mr. Freeze and the enticingly toxic Poison Ivy attack tensions rise between the two heroes. Can the Dark Knight and the Boy Wonder resolve their differences and save the city from certain destruction? Strength Now. Courage Always. Family, Above All. Batman & Robin!

As of 2019, this is the first and only appearance of Batgirl in a live-action Batman feature film.

According to a makeup artist, Arnold had potentially deadly costume effects. The battery for the LED lights in his mouth would start to dissolve in his saliva and leak battery acid into his mouth.

“Curses!” -an actual line from this already silly film.

Michael Gough: one of the only person to survive all 4 original Batman films (the other being Pat Hingle who played Commissioner Gordon). What a bad ass.

Someone please tell me how all these diamonds somehow combine into a fuel source for a freeze laser.

George Clooney and his stunt doubles went through 50 rubber Batsuits.

After the film’s negative reception, plans for Tim Burton’s “Superman Lives” have been shut down. The movie would’ve been a first attempt to have a shared universe between Batman and Superman, with George Clooney reprising his role as Batman, and with Nicolas Cage as Superman.

Is this a miniature? Is this an overly indulgent set? Does the audience care?? Do the ACTORS??

You want to have plants take over the earth and I want to freeze the planet. Sounds like we should work together!

Two Words: Bat Nips.

This gang is apparently called the Golums, but we all know they’re really called the ‘We Love Neon and Blacklight Club’.

The Batman costume was a 50 lbs. (22.6 kg.) rubber body suit with a 40 lb. rubber cape attached to the headpiece. Batgirl’s and Robin’s costumes weighed 50 lbs each. Mr. Freeze’s weighed 75 lbs.

Oh Bane…it would take 15 years before films did you justice.

I mean, yeah, this movie is bad. But Arnold looks pretty snazzy in his polar bear slippers.

Did we mention that Coolio is in this film? Well…he is. It doesn’t make the film any better or worse. It’s just…a thing that is.

From the opening frames of this film you know it’s going to be a treat. The foam latex laden suit-up scene seems to linger just a bit too long on expertly modeled bird buttocks, bat nipples, and caped crusader cod pieces. The opening would fit just as well in a high-budget Batman burlesque show. Oh, how optimistic the 90s were. The original Batman directed by Tim Burton seemed like such a long shot and paid off spectacularly. Burton discarded the camp of the 1960s Adam West TV series and adapted the atmospheric gothic noir of the 1940s…which is apparently an era when Batman couldn’t turn his head and has no problem with just straight up murdering people. Tim Burton’s version of batman was so iconic that it defined the tone, color, music, and even dialogue choices for the entire character for the next 2 decades. The next three sequels, Batman Returns and Batman Forever, stuck to the formula of the 1989 original for the most part. In each the level of camp was slowly cranked up:

Batman Returns: Let’s take up half the Warner Brothers lot with expansive water-filled Gotham City sets! Let’s focus even more on the villains and really hammer home the tragedy and the childhood pain festering into megalomania! Not only that, let’s have TWO villains instead of just one! Let’s get a combination of real penguins, actors in fiberglass penguin suits, and puppets for the villain’s evil missile-toting penguin army! DID I MENTION THE PENGUIN ARMY??

Batman Forever: They liked the two-villain thing, so let’s do that again. We’ll get another two actors at the top of their game to play ridiculous, over-the-top, gothic cartoon characters! Let’s go with Tommy Lee Jones, still riding off the high of his starring role in the Fugitive, and then Jim Carrey at his comedic height just a year after the release of not one but three of his most iconic films: Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, The Mask, and Dumb and Dumber! Oh yeah and let’s swap out the director, the lead, the love interest, and paint the whole film in neon. These things aren’t meant to be dark, gritty, adult films! They’re comic book films for god’s sakes! We gotta sell toys to kids!

But here’s the thing Supercultists: If you’re going to be this campy you have to be either funny or endearing. Carrey carried Batman Forever and killed it as a genuinely funny and threatening adaptation of the Riddler. Danny DeVito, in his own gruesome way, made us feel for a Batman villain in a way that the batman animated series later sought to emulate with their reimagining of Mr. Freeze and the creation of Harley Quinn.

So, what happened? Was it overindulgence? Sure, scenes are campier and there are now not 2 but 3 villains: Mr. Freeze, Poison Ivy, and a neutered version of Bane who serves as a glorified mook for Ivy. Perhaps the concept of pushing the art style even further strained the bounds of reality? Sure, Gotham was larger than life in 19889, but the 1997 version has gigantic futurist statues holding up the buildings as if Gotham was constructed on the corpses of a race of colossi. Perhaps the film lost some of the comedic charm of its predecessors. At last count Mr. Freeze utters something like 27 ice puns throughout the film and at times it can be difficult to discern whether or not the film is being ridiculous on purpose. The opening fight scene looks like Batman on Ice with the heroes literally clicking their heels together to activate ice skate boots.

Perhaps the problem is higher up than that… Was it the studio pressure to make the film more “toyetic”? The film’s design seems catered to the toy market with every character having a wacky light-up vehicle, set piece, or gadget that could function as an action figure. Batman’s new car features a transparent hood so that audiences can see the colorful spinning bat-engine as if hypnotizing children and adults alike into emptying their wallets at the nearest department store this Christmas. For crying out loud Poison Ivy even has a line “I’m a lover, not a fighter That’s why every Poison Ivy action figure comes complete with him!” *points to Bane* Perhaps it was simply cost? In their bid to get even more top-billed Hollywood names for the latest and greatest (read: only, unless you count things like Spawn) comic book film, Arnold Schwarzenegger was reputed to have earned $25 million for his approximate 25 minute on-screen role as Mr. Freeze, basically a million a minute. Not to mention Uma Thurman, the poster girl for Pulp Fiction, and the, at the time, up and coming George Clooney.

The whole film cost an estimated $125 million and was a modest commercial success but was a spectacular critical flop. With a 3.7 on IMDB and an 11% on Rotten Tomatoes, it’s no surprise that the film killed the batman film series and nearly killed the entire superhero film genre. The film was voted #1 in Empire magazine’s “50 Worst Movies Ever”, #5 in Entertainment Weekly’s Top 25 Worst Sequels Ever Made, and won a Razzie Award for Worst Supporting Actress for Alicia Silverstone as Batgirl (as well as 10 other Razzie nominations for everything from Worst Picture and Worst Director to Worst Screen Couple and Worst Original Song). Not Joel Schumacher or George Clooney defend the film anymore. When filming was over, George Clooney reportedly quipped, “I think we just killed the series.” He’s even been known to refund people who saw the film and has called the film a “waste of money” in spite of his admittance that it was the biggest break he ever had as a then TV star making the jump to Hollywood.

But we here at Supercult know it’s not the worst film (we’ve seen A LOT worse). At the very least it’s entertaining at times, hilarious at others, and always a feast for the eyes. Even now we can see the 90s superhero film influence on modern pop culture. The next few superhero films such as Sam Rami’s Spider-Man series still attempted to recreate the earnest wackiness of Tim Burton’s series while attempting to avoid the cautionary tale of Batman and Robin. Grittier remakes of batman still pay homage to Tim Burton’s Batman in their aesthetics, their music, and their tone.

Batman and Robin may be the worst batman film ever, but that makes it the best Supercult Batman film ever, bat nipples and all.

This is why Superman works alone! The Supercult show is proud to present Batman and Robin!

    Batman & Robin Howdy all you Supercultists out there on the interwebz! I’m Bad Movie Professor Cameron Coker (BS in “Bat Nipples” with a minor in “Ice Puns”) and I’ll be posting my hype-tacular speeches every week along with some long lost speeches from past Supercult Shows!

[traveling-toms]

an adventure

there’s a lot to talk about, mainly because a lot happened.

i’m talking gorgeous scenery in the desert, threaded together with car break downs in the valley of fire in 120 degree heat and some of the most adult decisions/actions i have ever faced in my life.

to start;

moab is absolutely breath taking. from the moment the sun nestles into the bed sheet canyons the red and orange dwindles across the stones and completely erases all weary on my mind. 

perched next to the colorado river and rested in between to towering sides of a canyon was our little campsite under the stars. the air was clean. the insects were rampant. and my feet were dirty.

at the earliest drop of sun the next morning we packed; the tent, sleeping bag, and clothes, and set off for california. only to be short stopped in the literal VALLEY OF FIRE in 120 degree heat. to give you an idea of where that is in relevance to civilization, it’s in bum-fuck nowhere, 60 miles out of vegas. luckily our rescuer, sam, aided us in a cold shower and a warm bed. although, after visiting the strip and the death scene of the ever great tupac, 4 hours of sleep was more like a nap.

bright and early our adventure started as we chased the break of dawn and headed to the west coast. while the struggles of being a traveling college student were rough, the destination was well worth the wait. sadly, we were not at the destination yet... mentally. 3 days of stress and attempting to be a near completely autonomous adult had to pass before we could enjoy the lavishes of the west coast. 

complaint ahead, fair warning

being an adult: ★✩✩✩✩

 this shit is awful. especially when you are 19. no one wants to trust you, but you are required to be trustworthy. it is a flaw in the system of aging. 

we tryed to get a loan for a vehicle, mind you I work 40 hours and could 100% support the financial decision to do so (i had proof also), but my age was always looming in their faces and so they rejected me. we also were attempting to hold the people for the malfunctioning car accountable for their actions of endangering several people. rant over. 

after 3 days of being completely undermined for being only 19 and dealing with the overbearing casts of the baby boomer generations we finally just said, ‘fuck-it’. hopped in the car at the break of day and journeyed to the happiest place on earth.

a few things about disneyland.

disneyland resort: ★★★★✩

obviously it was magical, and as a place to take a family to enjoy a beautiful 4th of july in the wonderful state of california, it was astounding. i just have a bit of trouble with the idea of the place. the magic that is surrounding this place is the barrier it builds between itself and the outside world. for children that is wonderful, generating an escape that throws them in the world of their favorite characters, but for grown adults who pay thousands of dollars a year to visit this place on a regular basis it is a trap. it blocks off reality and basically incapacitates them in a world where the direction in which we go is based on them.

i love it. all of it, but i wish to help change the world and letting myself be consumed by a fake one is out of the question.

as for the functionality, use fast passes. super easy, super fast, and you get to ride every ride.

 its okay to escape every once and a while, but holding a season pass and spending every spare second at this place is not practical for the advancement of our world.

the disneyland adventure was over and the fourth was gorgeous. 

the parade;

the company;

and the fireworks; 

now it was time for the coast. the beach. my child, the water. i missed her so much.

the socal sun beard down on us while the waves rolled over the boiling sand. the roar of the ocean calmed the bumps on my skin and my mind fleeted into break between the sun and the ocean. a seagull made his way to our beach spot as the beach merchants parade back a forth selling assorted fruits from baskets perched atop their heads.

amazing location: Little Tokyo

Little Tokyo: ★★★★★

i’m biased and i am aware, but as my second visit to little tokyo this was even better. the new Kalu Kaiten Sushi Bar that had been added in the last year was astounding. tasty, cute, great service, and it reminded me of my expedition to Japan.

i never shut up about Japan and how rapidly in love i am with the ancient culture and so this image suits me, i believe. little tokyo is a fun place to adventure to post beach laxin. there is a lot more to Japanese culture than just the anime sub-pocket that everyone shits on. little tokyo is an easily accessible location that can teach you a lot about the true culture, while still living in america. 

that’s all i’m going to say about that.

beach spot: san onofre/san clemente

Campsite: ★★★★✩

beautifully located north of san diego, and just below the white building washed city of san clemente; the san onofre state park rests. the hike down to the actual beach location is about 1/4 mile from the camping spots, but the walk is not bad at all. this spot is not unique by any means, but it is a nice place if you are looking to camp close to the ocean and get a lovely sunrise/sunset. 

the bluffs add an extra little beauty to the scenery that you won’t get at many spots. this was definitely one of our reasons for recommending this spot. 

san onofre does reside approx. 10 minutes away from the gorgeous town of san clemente. honestly, to the people who are lucky enough to live here, I AM JEALOUS. 

cute coffee shop: WAKE UP! Coffee

WAKE UP! Coffee: ★★★★★

funny enough, i don’t drink coffee. but when i find a cute nook, that is run by a young aspiring female who is trying to start her own, leeching to the side of a laundry mat; shit i’ll give it a shot.

a yummy strawberry pastry next to a delicious mocha (while melissa idols in the background) was the best way to start my morning. my last morning. the last morning. 

alas, california was beautiful, and to be honest i aged at least 7 years on the way, but it was time to say goodbye. it was time to start the trek back. let me be transparent; it. was. a. TREK.

after leaving Cali and making our way to Vegas, all was well. then we left Vegas, and all hell broke lose. the car began its old habits of throttling and shutting down. again, left on the side of the road, this time at a small rest stop (luckily). we were calm, by this point in the trip nothing could surprise us. in a bittersweet moment, we realized that our supposed “last day” wan’t actually the end. 

we chugged the car to a small town in the middle of barren Utah. 

small town; Beaver, Utah

Beaver: ★★★★★

okay, this town is the liberal haven in Utah. i’m not opposed to Utah, it is just a little too mormon for my taste, but Beaver! concluding further research, we discovered that Beaver was actually a town created by a small settlement of domestic immigrants from San Bernadino Californio, WHICH IS WHERE WE WERE. it was was some universe shit for sure. the town was so cute and the local eatery was amazing.

our KOA was quaint and cute. the lady who checked us in was a hippie from the west coast who raised several children on a boat between Catalina island and the LA coast, thrilling. 

okay, now the story ends. we make it to the safety of our home state Colorado. the car breaks down one final time 3 hours from our home, but with the luck of the universe on our side, a friend rescued us. we made it home, and the adventure of a life time was over. the adventure from a dream ended. it was fun, and wild, and hard; however, it wasn’t for nothing. in fact...

it was for the sole reason that, we could.

adventure partner; Brooke

Brooke: ★★★★★

oh, shit!

Brooke is honestly one of the greatest people to take on an adventure. she was calm, prepared, but excited! she was thrilled even when we were melting in the desert. (thrilled might be a little bit of an exaggeration.) seriously, all you need to have a good time, is someone to do it with. Brooke was the perfect victim for my wilding adventures to the west.

thank you for joining me

[anti-yuri-on-ice]

Hi, my friend thinks Y//o//I is positive representation, whereas I feel it's nothing more than fetishization. I've tried to drop the topic because I'd rather conserve our friendship, but she keeps telling me to provide evidence and won't back down. It's fine if you don't, but I've seen this blog backup their points with sources, and I'm wondering if you have a compilation of your more thorough analyses on why Y//o//I is fanservice. Thanks for all you do.

Hello, I am that one gay man who works here, love when girls decide what is good representation for me.  First off we have our obvious links to another gay man’s review.  Important things for you to have are uncensored kisses and censorship in Japan.  Regardless they’re gonna bring up these points, crush them.Other Links;It’s Up To InterpretationAn Adventure Into The UnknownThe Choreography of the Butt

So guys, you finally did it, you unlocked Mod 3′s opinions on representation.  I’ll say two things straight up;1. Not everyone, especially not every gay man, will agree with me2. I am fine with people liking fanservice, I’m fine with people liking fetishistic stuff, my issue is being handed porn and people going “look it’s good representation of you!”

Because that’s what piss on it is.  It’s basically pg-13 porn.  All these naked dudes to say semi “romantic” mostly-stalkerish things.  With dramatic zooms on their anti-gravity tears and shiny lips.  Like I’m uncomfortable to begin with but let’s talk about the obvious.

Everyone in this show is a fucking twink.

Yes they’re figure skaters, but they’re all twinks and here’s the thing see the twink demographic, it goes primarily to women who want to watch gay porn.  Just like how straight men want to watch hairless big tittied 18-year-old lesbians, women want to watch hairless soft 18-year-old gay men.  All the same.  You can also throw in all those other formulaic things for teen to middle-aged women!  Soft boys who have everything but god they’re just so sad and they’re crying at everything.  Cough every romance novel popular in these age ranges.  So first and most obvious point, they made characters to appeal to women.  What kind of characters appeal to gay men you may ask, well I’m sure some of us like twinks, that’s not a surprise but you’ll mainly find.

Bears.  Yes, we know by now I can’t do these without mentioning Otouto no Otto.  Why can’t I?  Why that would be because it’s a manga with a gay character written by a gay man to teach people about homophobia with no fanservice, despite the fact this author also writes gay porn.  It’s a very different kind of manga, it’s not solely about representation, it’s also about making things better, which I’d happily pick up any day.  This manga is one I’m very happy about.

But back to the point, when people want to appeal more to gay men, you notice a trend in bears, in muscular guys, in tough fighting scenes where they’re all gonna fight, they’re gonna take down the government, and then be forced to kill their loved one or watch them die!  Amazingly all that ridiculous manly, masculine stuff people make fun of?  It all comes in with gay characters too.  In the end, we’re still men, and a lot of us are still into this stuff or at least that’s what the sales chart tells us so.  

So if yuck on fuck ass is meant to be representation for us and not fanservice for fujoshi, why dd we take from the chart that says women, and not men?  Well, answer the first is well they wanted a figure skating anime.  Okay, why does that have to be gay?  Oh well, we need more representation (that’s a lie its because we have a stereotype that figure skating and dancing are feminine hobbies and all men in them are gay whoops did I say that out loud?).  Well, Mod 3, shouldn’t you be happy?  How could they have done this better?

Well my dear strawman of every other anon we get, let’s start by removing this;

The romantic scenes?  No the god fucking awful shiny lips what the fuck is that about anyway.  Seriously, I only ever see lips this shiny in women’s media, and I don’t get it, this is one someone needs to explain to me, why are you all so supposedly into this?  It’s not a focus at all in men's’ media, where did this come from?  And while we’re at it remove this

This is some stalker-ish shit that is the reason Jun// //jou Rom// /antica was a new york times best seller.  Oh?  Did we forget about that?  That while yuck on fuck ass may have sold well so did freaking New York Times Best Seller Jun/ //jou Rom//  //antica.  Number 6 in the manga category!  And oh boy look at this it’s almost like there’s no damn difference.

But hey.  That doesn’t mean all good representation is done by gay men, hell some of it isn’t done with gay men in mind.  But this is where you see a stark difference in what people feel is representation of them.  That’s because we’re all different, so different things relate to us.  But here’s the strict rule.

IF YOU AREN’T A MEMBER OF THE GROUP YOU DON’T GET TO DECIDE IF IT IS GOOD REPRESENTATION!

BEING A GAY MAN DOESN’T MEAN YOU GET TO DECIDE WHAT IS GOOD REPRESENTATION FOR LESBIANS!

BEING A LESBIAN DOESN’T MEAN YOU GET TO DECIDE WHAT IS GOOD REPRESENTATION FOR GAY MEN!

Yeah, guess what, it’s as simple as that!  I’m white, I quite frankly can not say if yoi had good representation of say Chinese people, based on my own opinions, I have to listen to the various opinions of Chinese people to find out what is the general consensus.  It’s that simple!  And another thing to note;

Gay men can like a thing without it being good representation!  Yep boys, I’m Mod 3, and I fucking like Ade// /kan!  Is it good representation?  NOPE!  Is it meaningless fanservice for girls?  Mostly yeah!  But I have fun with the story and it makes me laugh so I fucking like it regardless!  Things don’t have to be good representation to be liked!!  It’s that simple!!  You don’t need to use everything you like to fuel your moral superiority!

But back on topic, there are things by non-men that I feel I liked as representation.  I like N// o.6, that has emotional teen boys kissing, and that makes it hard to pin down what is so good there.  Might be the fighting and the murder and clear references to real life issues and also gay men destroy the government.  Like yeah, that sounds like the mentality of most of my friends.  Why do I like sam/ //flam?  Superheroes.  Also, I don’t feel sam // /flam is trying too hard for that female audience a lot of the time.  You know I have a list of things I felt were good representation of me, all contain violence.  I’m an incredibly transparent person.

But what makes the best representation?

It being canon and not treated as a fucking joke.

Oh yuck on fuck ass isn’t it SOOOO funny that a couple might get engaged!  Let’s hide the kiss and act all joke-y about it in interviews!  Let’s not have the characters actually talk about a relationship or if they want to be together like adults, let’s not have them even discuss if they want to get married, let’s just use it as a fucking joke for the lulz.  Hilarious.  Not tired at all.  Not done by 500 different shows.  Revolutionary.

If you gave a shit, you wouldn’t have made it a joke.

I’m done for now but expect me to charge back in with more and more links.  For now definitely, check out the review by the man I linked at the start and also check out Rantasmo’s Yaoi Fangirls Need More Gay.

[castiels-bro]

Temptress

Summary: You’re a hunter and boys call you to come to the bunker, because they need help with some(one)thing, so you, as their debtor, are knocking on their door.

Pairing: human!Cas x Reader

Warnings: smut(ish) fluff

Words: 1452

A/N: So it’s for Katy’s 1k follower challenge! Congratulations, love! I’m so sorry for every mistake, but english isn’t my first language.

Tags: @casbabydontgoineedyou

~~~~

It was a few years back when you met the Winchester brothers on a case. Wendigo has beaten you up really bad and Sam and Dean helped you. Now you were driving to them, to their home, the bunker.

You missed them; not just because they saved you. You missed them, because they were kinda like your brothers you never had. Whatever they wanted you to do, you were going there and doing it.

You parked your Bad Boy outside and knocked to the door. You were stressed; the last time they saw you, you were a lot skinnier, like a skeleton, and it didin't matter that you knew the brothers didin't care, but probably Cas will be here and you cared about the way he sees you.

“Hello, (Y/N).” you heard that strong voice you were scared to hear, but when you looked at him, his blue eyes were diging holes in you, his pupils were blown and you couldn't stop the smirk that was climbing up your face. Meantime, you noticed few things that shocked you.

“Hi, Cas. You look good too” you smiled when his eyes finally met yours. “Where's your trench coat?”

“He lost it.” said Sam trying to push between the angel and the door. When he did it, he hugged you really hard and brought you inside, practically throwing you into Dean's arms. That boy smelled like whisky and was hugging like a child which was a funny combo. He put you gently on the floor and smiled.

“Hello, kiddo. You look awsome.” you blushed a little and laught your fear. Spinnig, you opend your arms, giving the angel chance to hug you. With a smile, he nestled his face in your neck. You knew he was a total cuddler and every time you saw each other he was doing that, but now you were shocked. You wasn't sure, but in 80% you felt a boner on your lower belly. Giving him a smile, you looked over at Moose and Squirrel, trying to stop the intension to look at Cas' crotch.

“Why did you called? How can I help?” you knew that they wouldn't call if this thing weren't important, so you preperd for real crap.

“Well...” started Sam, looking from you to Castiel.”We have a case in Wisconsin and a little problem here.” you squinted eyes at him which caused Dean to sigh.

“What's the problem?” you asked again.

“I am the problem.” said Castiel from behinde you. “They afraid to leave me here alone since I am... I am no longer an angel.” he ended sadly. That explaind his reaction to your skinny jeans and tight T-shirt, he wasn't used to it. But you still were in shock. You knew that angels fell, but you didn't know that meant they were humans now.

“All of them are humans now? Why they have fallen? And...”

“Only I am human.” interrupted Cas. “And they have fallen because of my naivety.”

“Okay, stop now, you sad little puppy.” said Dean.”(Y/N), will you stay with him? We're worried about that piece of sadness.” you smiled, thankful that you finally was able to spend some time with your angel alone, deciding to tease him a little to check if he really got a boner just from looking at you.

That evening, just after boys went out of the door, you ran to your room and changed into shorts and crop top. The second one was almost transparent so you put on your black lace. Knowing you will find him in library you went there. He was sitting back to the entrance, everything was too perfect. He was wearing gery t-shirt and you could swear that when you saw him last time, he wasn't looking that good.

“Hi, Cas, what are you reading?” you asked, trying to get his attention.

“About wendigo, it's a really insidio...” he stopped talking when his eyes was on you. His lips parted and his pupils exploded with lust again. He improved on the seat and swallowed which caused you to smile. He couldn't turn back, it was too hard for him and you saw it. He put the book on a table. Slowly coming closer you saw that his chest began to float hard and his breathing was heavy. His eyes soared up to yours.

“What's up, Castiel?” you said while sitting on his laps, his hands stayed were they were – on chair railing, but yours found its place in his hair.

“(Y/N), stop, please.” his voice dropped even lower and he was fighting to keep his eyes on yours.

“Oh, come on, I'm only teasing!” you started to standing up, but in a second his hands was on your hips and he sat you back fast. This time you were sure his member was already hard and it made you gasp.

Castiel's head fell back and he moand softly at the friction; that was the most beautiful sound you had ever heard.

“That's the problem, you are only teasing” he said slowly and it took moment before you understood. You started rocking his hips and moaning because of the pleasure. Your head fell just like his a few moments before and then he just grabed you and hugged really hard, crashing his lips on yours so fast that your teeth hit his which caused you both to stop everything.You looked him in the eyes and laught, that made him smile.

“Are you okay?” he whisperd, carefully stroking your back. He looked worried.

“I'm okay, but let's do this slower.” you smiled resting your forehead on his. That beautiful smile faded and now you were the one that was worried.”What is it, Cas?” he swallowed and bit his lip.

“I... I’ve never did it before.” he said quietly and that made you laugh. How can anybody be this cute?”What is so funny?”

“You shouldn’t be so worried about that. I can teach you everything.” you smiled, but when his reaction didn’t changed you just stood up.”You don’t want it, right? You don’t want to do this with me.” you sigh.”Okay, nevermind, Cas. If you need me, I’ll be in my room.” “No, no, no, no” you heard panic in his voice.”It’s not that, please, (Y/N). Talk with me.” that sentence made you stop. You spun around and looked at him. He was scared.”I’m just...” he sigh and combed hair with hand then murmured something.

“Maybe louder? I can’t hear you, Castiel.” that groan he made...

“I don’t want to disappoint you. I know you had sex multiple times and I don’t want to disappoint you, because I never had it before!” and now you were the scared one. You had no idea why he started to yell. You spun again and countinued your travel to the room, because you didn’t want him to see you crying. And that’s the moment when he realized what he just did. You heard his steps and in a minute he leaned you to wall and kissed.

It was a different kiss. He was delicate, but passionete, so calmly. His hands were on your cheeks and his thumbs were strooking slowly.  He rest his forehead on yours and kept his eyes closed.

„I'm sorry. I'm just...” he kissed your nose.”I want it to be special. I love you, (Y/N). And I don't want it to be just first time.” he looked you in this beautiful (y/e/c) eyes. „I want it to mean something. I don't want to be just one another.” you saw that he was almost crying and that made your tears fell.”Please, don't...” he nestled his head in your neck and left there a few kisses.

„Cas?” you said quietly and in a second his head was up. You wiped tear from his cheek and smiled softly. „Don't cry... You mean everything to me. I love you too.” his smile made your heart flutter. „You won't disapoint me. I didn't had that much sex, I just don't like this moments when Dean is telling everyone about his nights and I don't like to be worse than he is. More than a half was a stories.” you wink at him and that made him laugh, and he cuddled you hard.

„Can we... I don't know... watch a movie?” he whisperd.

„Of course, Cas.” it was a really good idea. Both of you needed a little air.

„Oh, and (Y/N)?”

„Yes, Castiel?” you asked curius.

„Can you teach me?” his tone...

„Of course, Cas.”

It was a good few days and you were ready for another time to help, because boys said that it’s better to have you around to babysit your new Bad Boy.

[adambstingus]

Macaulay Culkin: ‘No, I was not pounding six grand of heroin a month’

The Home Alone star talks about the drug rumours, dodging paparazzi and his cheese-flavoured Velvet Underground tribute act

Of all modern myths, it is the fall of the child star that most compels us. Whether theyre embarking on 55-hour marriages, throwing bongs out of windows or abandoning monkeys at customs, we cant seem to get enough. Theres something pathological in our need to tear down our icons of innocence, which might explain the overprotective nature of Macaulay Culkins US publicist, who wants to see all my questions upfront. I refuse. I thought we could just … have a chat? The interview, Culkins biggest in 10 years, is supposed to focus on his comeback. Im instructed to avoid anything negative. I ask if I can ask if he has any regrets. Regrets sounds too negative, is the response.

When we meet, in the lobby of a hotel in Spain, Im still trying to figure out what exactly this comeback consists of. Culkins filming an advert for Compare the Market, which is obviously not a passion project. It was fun, and we hammered that sucker out pretty quickly. The biggest scene was me sitting on a bench eating ice-cream.

Is he doing this to fund an exciting new venture? No, not necessarily. Hes dressed grungily, long hair man-bunned back, boots open-laced, blazer badge-studded. He doesnt project the focused careerism of most actors. People feel they have to be in perpetual motion, or drown. Ive never had a problem saying Ive got nothing lined up. Maybe Ill take the next year off. It sounds as if hes not particularly drawn to acting at all. Im not much active, he concedes. If I knew what I wanted to do, Id be writing it myself.

The trajectory of Culkins life feels like fallout from an atomic blast. By the age of 12, Uncle Buck, two Home Alone films, My Girl and (to a lesser extent) Richie Rich had made him the most successful child actor of all time. At 14, he became legally emancipated from his parents; both had been trying to gain control of his $17m fortune in their divorce. Culkin married at 17, and separated two years later. Sleepovers with Michael Jackson became public knowledge when he was called as a defence witness at the singers molestation trial. Im ghoulishly fascinated by this alien childhood. Id like to ask about Michael Jackson.

In Home Alone (1990). Photograph: Alamy Stock Photo

I think its best you dont, interjects his manager. She is one of three people sitting with us. Its not that its a painful topic … begins Culkin. His manager insists we move on, the PR next to her agrees. Culkin clearly wants to say something, but six eyes are telling him not to.

I suspect were both wondering why were here; 35-year-old Culkin doesnt do this sort of thing any more, having turned his back on the spotlight. I dont just turn my back, I actively dont want it. The paps go after me because I dont whore myself out. He has spent a decade turning down interviews, and mostly lives in France, where the aloof Parisians leave him alone. (Its also where Kevin McCallisters family were headed when they left him Home Alone, but we cant talk about that.) I get the impression hes as eager to talk about a price comparison website as I am to ask about one. Instead, I ask why people are still fascinated by him.

I have no idea. I was thinking about this the other day Id crossed the wrong street, picked up a tail, suddenly theres a crush of 20 paparazzi. Then people with cameraphones get involved. I dont think Im worthy of that.

With Michael Jackson in 2001. Photograph: Kevin Kane/WireImage

Has it got better with time?

Its been like that my whole adult life. You take on a prey-like attitude, always scanning the horizon. Its strange on dates, as it looks like youre not paying attention. But Ive stopped trying to think of myself in the third person, because thats just gonna drive me nuts.

You had to think about yourself in the third person?

Exactly. Macaulay Culkin is out there, and Im Mac. You guys can play with the first one.

Hes not averse to a bit of playing himself, for Culkin is the celebritys meta-celebrity. You may remember the meme-meltdown a few years back when Ryan Gosling was pictured wearing a T-shirt of Kevin McCallister. Culkin responded by creating a T-shirt that pictured Gosling wearing the shirt, before Gosling responded in kind, being photographed wearing a T-shirt of Culkin wearing a T-shirt of Gosling wearing a T-shirt of Culkin. They may still be at it for all we know.

Culkins previous ads, for the likes of Orange (and, in a Partridge move, the rebranding of Norwich Union), trade in close-to-the-bone self-analysis. For Compare the Market, he plays a hitchhiker picked up by the lovable meerkats, who see him as a child, buying him ice-cream and making him ride merry-go-rounds hes too big for.

In 2006, Culkin wrote an experimental novel, Junior, from the perspective of a certifiable child star with father issues. In web comedy :DRYVRS, hes a blood-spattered sadist, unhinged by the childhood trauma of parental abandonment, and defending himself against home invaders. Is all this self-quoting what hes drawn to, or just what he gets offered? A bit of both. It suits my personality and sense of humour. But I would be game for something non-self-referential.

Given this dilemma constantly returning to a past he wants distance from where does his sense of self come from? From me. I try to figure out what makes me happy and not in a superficial way. I keep my soul fit. Is he spiritual? I know enough to know I dont know. I was raised Catholic, so theres a lot of guilt. Were born with original sin. He veers off into a joke. Since I was told that, Ive been trying to come up with even more original sins, thatll really blow my priest away at confession. Like, heres one you havent heard it involves a pitching wedge, a donkey and a bucket of ice. And two meerkats? Yeah! You might wanna record this one!

With his brother, Kieran Culkin, c 1990. Photograph: Dave Benett/Getty Images

He reflects. Actually, Im very much at peace lately. I can debate with people, and my heart rate never changes. And Culkin is witty and affable. Funny, but distant. He offers confrontational figures of speech amiably. If you want to get into an argument with an artist, ask them what art is, he says. If you want to make an actor feel uncomfortable, ask them what theyre doing next. (I hastily scribble out one of the few questions Ive written down.)

Are his debates political? I have leanings, but Im the definition of a disenfranchised voter I think the system is ugly. This whole Trump thing is amazing. (Trump cameos in Home Alone 2, showing our hero the way to the Plaza Hotel lobby, although we cant talk about it.) Culkin doesnt want to be drawn further. Discussing politics is the quickest way to alienate people, so I dont wanna go into it. And Trump has enough column inches? Exactly! Hes like the Candyman, we have to stop saying his name.

Culkin was acting at four, an age at which no one knows what they want beyond watching cartoons and eating oversugared cereal. Having described himself as effectively retired, he works occasionally (voices for Seth Greens Robot Chicken, cameoing as himself in Zoolander 2), but: Im much more proactive with visual arts and writing, my notebook and little projects. Of the projects that reach the public, most could charitably be classed as divisive. There are paintings: one of the cast of Seinfeld on the set of Wheel of Fortune, being painted, nude, by He-Man. Theres The Wrong Ferrari, a Dadaist knockabout written on ketamine with Adam Green of the Moldy Peaches, shot entirely on iPhones. Most notorious is the Pizza Underground, his Velvet Underground tribute act that replaces the original lyrics with pizza puns (Im Waiting for Delivery Man, Take a Bite of the Wild Slice). At Nottingham Rock City, the band were pelted with beer and booed off stage as he played a kazoo solo. They cancelled their European dates, citing a cheesemergency. My question about all this is: what the hell?

Its one of those good ideas you have when youre drunk, and you wake up and forget about it. But were taking it to the end of the joke. We have an album coming out, a vinyl pressing with a childrens choir, a symphony orchestra. Were giving it away, our gift to the world. Does he still find it funny? Of course I find it funny! We rhyme mushrooms with mushrooms, come on. Its the same joke, relentlessly. Like, theyre really doing this?

Culkin enjoys the absurdity his fame bestows. But scrutiny has its downside. In New York, he takes walks at 4am to avoid harassment. On YouTube, one can find clips of him being harassed by wannabe-paps with smartphones. In 2012, photographs of him looking gaunt, almost transparent, set tabloids aflame with stories he was addicted to heroin and oxycodone, following the breakdown of his relationship with Mila Kunis. Given his friendship with Adam Green and Pete Doherty as well as a previous arrest for possession of marijuana, Xanax and clonazepam it seemed plausible.

Performing as Pizza Underground with Deenah Vollmer. Photograph: Sam Santos/WireImage

Were people right to be worried? Not necessarily. Of course, when silly stuff is going on but no, I was not pounding six grand of heroin every month or whatever. The thing that bugged me was tabloids wrapping it all in this weird guise of concern. No, youre trying to shift papers. Is there a story there he might want to tell one day, on his own terms? Perhaps.

Whatever his recreational habits, Im surprised by how unscrewed-up Macaulay Culkin is. Plans for the summer mainly involve roadying for Har Mar Superstar and Green (with whom he has another lo-fi film out, Aladdin). Home is where my boots are. Im a big fan of jumping on peoples tourbuses, making myself useful, doing load-ins and outs. I do everything except the merch table. I tried that, but … we didnt sell anything.

He has directionless days. He sleeps in, stays up late, indulges immature humour, bounces around with bad-influence friends. In short, hes enjoying the adolescence that celebrity stole from him. Ironically, his personal problems and turbulent relationship with the media have also given him a pretty grown-up perspective. Not a bad epilogue for a child star.

Its allowed me to become the person I am, and I like me, so I wouldnt change a thing. Not having to do anything for my dinner, financially, lets me treat every gig like its the last. He laughs, and this time addresses himself in the second person. If it is, Id think: Culkin, you had a good run.

from All Of Beer http://allofbeer.com/macaulay-culkin-no-i-was-not-pounding-six-grand-of-heroin-a-month/ from All of Beer https://allofbeercom.tumblr.com/post/181995008877

[samanthasroberts]

Macaulay Culkin: ‘No, I was not pounding six grand of heroin a month’

The Home Alone star talks about the drug rumours, dodging paparazzi and his cheese-flavoured Velvet Underground tribute act

Of all modern myths, it is the fall of the child star that most compels us. Whether theyre embarking on 55-hour marriages, throwing bongs out of windows or abandoning monkeys at customs, we cant seem to get enough. Theres something pathological in our need to tear down our icons of innocence, which might explain the overprotective nature of Macaulay Culkins US publicist, who wants to see all my questions upfront. I refuse. I thought we could just … have a chat? The interview, Culkins biggest in 10 years, is supposed to focus on his comeback. Im instructed to avoid anything negative. I ask if I can ask if he has any regrets. Regrets sounds too negative, is the response.

When we meet, in the lobby of a hotel in Spain, Im still trying to figure out what exactly this comeback consists of. Culkins filming an advert for Compare the Market, which is obviously not a passion project. It was fun, and we hammered that sucker out pretty quickly. The biggest scene was me sitting on a bench eating ice-cream.

Is he doing this to fund an exciting new venture? No, not necessarily. Hes dressed grungily, long hair man-bunned back, boots open-laced, blazer badge-studded. He doesnt project the focused careerism of most actors. People feel they have to be in perpetual motion, or drown. Ive never had a problem saying Ive got nothing lined up. Maybe Ill take the next year off. It sounds as if hes not particularly drawn to acting at all. Im not much active, he concedes. If I knew what I wanted to do, Id be writing it myself.

The trajectory of Culkins life feels like fallout from an atomic blast. By the age of 12, Uncle Buck, two Home Alone films, My Girl and (to a lesser extent) Richie Rich had made him the most successful child actor of all time. At 14, he became legally emancipated from his parents; both had been trying to gain control of his $17m fortune in their divorce. Culkin married at 17, and separated two years later. Sleepovers with Michael Jackson became public knowledge when he was called as a defence witness at the singers molestation trial. Im ghoulishly fascinated by this alien childhood. Id like to ask about Michael Jackson.

In Home Alone (1990). Photograph: Alamy Stock Photo

I think its best you dont, interjects his manager. She is one of three people sitting with us. Its not that its a painful topic … begins Culkin. His manager insists we move on, the PR next to her agrees. Culkin clearly wants to say something, but six eyes are telling him not to.

I suspect were both wondering why were here; 35-year-old Culkin doesnt do this sort of thing any more, having turned his back on the spotlight. I dont just turn my back, I actively dont want it. The paps go after me because I dont whore myself out. He has spent a decade turning down interviews, and mostly lives in France, where the aloof Parisians leave him alone. (Its also where Kevin McCallisters family were headed when they left him Home Alone, but we cant talk about that.) I get the impression hes as eager to talk about a price comparison website as I am to ask about one. Instead, I ask why people are still fascinated by him.

I have no idea. I was thinking about this the other day Id crossed the wrong street, picked up a tail, suddenly theres a crush of 20 paparazzi. Then people with cameraphones get involved. I dont think Im worthy of that.

With Michael Jackson in 2001. Photograph: Kevin Kane/WireImage

Has it got better with time?

Its been like that my whole adult life. You take on a prey-like attitude, always scanning the horizon. Its strange on dates, as it looks like youre not paying attention. But Ive stopped trying to think of myself in the third person, because thats just gonna drive me nuts.

You had to think about yourself in the third person?

Exactly. Macaulay Culkin is out there, and Im Mac. You guys can play with the first one.

Hes not averse to a bit of playing himself, for Culkin is the celebritys meta-celebrity. You may remember the meme-meltdown a few years back when Ryan Gosling was pictured wearing a T-shirt of Kevin McCallister. Culkin responded by creating a T-shirt that pictured Gosling wearing the shirt, before Gosling responded in kind, being photographed wearing a T-shirt of Culkin wearing a T-shirt of Gosling wearing a T-shirt of Culkin. They may still be at it for all we know.

Culkins previous ads, for the likes of Orange (and, in a Partridge move, the rebranding of Norwich Union), trade in close-to-the-bone self-analysis. For Compare the Market, he plays a hitchhiker picked up by the lovable meerkats, who see him as a child, buying him ice-cream and making him ride merry-go-rounds hes too big for.

In 2006, Culkin wrote an experimental novel, Junior, from the perspective of a certifiable child star with father issues. In web comedy :DRYVRS, hes a blood-spattered sadist, unhinged by the childhood trauma of parental abandonment, and defending himself against home invaders. Is all this self-quoting what hes drawn to, or just what he gets offered? A bit of both. It suits my personality and sense of humour. But I would be game for something non-self-referential.

Given this dilemma constantly returning to a past he wants distance from where does his sense of self come from? From me. I try to figure out what makes me happy and not in a superficial way. I keep my soul fit. Is he spiritual? I know enough to know I dont know. I was raised Catholic, so theres a lot of guilt. Were born with original sin. He veers off into a joke. Since I was told that, Ive been trying to come up with even more original sins, thatll really blow my priest away at confession. Like, heres one you havent heard it involves a pitching wedge, a donkey and a bucket of ice. And two meerkats? Yeah! You might wanna record this one!

With his brother, Kieran Culkin, c 1990. Photograph: Dave Benett/Getty Images

He reflects. Actually, Im very much at peace lately. I can debate with people, and my heart rate never changes. And Culkin is witty and affable. Funny, but distant. He offers confrontational figures of speech amiably. If you want to get into an argument with an artist, ask them what art is, he says. If you want to make an actor feel uncomfortable, ask them what theyre doing next. (I hastily scribble out one of the few questions Ive written down.)

Are his debates political? I have leanings, but Im the definition of a disenfranchised voter I think the system is ugly. This whole Trump thing is amazing. (Trump cameos in Home Alone 2, showing our hero the way to the Plaza Hotel lobby, although we cant talk about it.) Culkin doesnt want to be drawn further. Discussing politics is the quickest way to alienate people, so I dont wanna go into it. And Trump has enough column inches? Exactly! Hes like the Candyman, we have to stop saying his name.

Culkin was acting at four, an age at which no one knows what they want beyond watching cartoons and eating oversugared cereal. Having described himself as effectively retired, he works occasionally (voices for Seth Greens Robot Chicken, cameoing as himself in Zoolander 2), but: Im much more proactive with visual arts and writing, my notebook and little projects. Of the projects that reach the public, most could charitably be classed as divisive. There are paintings: one of the cast of Seinfeld on the set of Wheel of Fortune, being painted, nude, by He-Man. Theres The Wrong Ferrari, a Dadaist knockabout written on ketamine with Adam Green of the Moldy Peaches, shot entirely on iPhones. Most notorious is the Pizza Underground, his Velvet Underground tribute act that replaces the original lyrics with pizza puns (Im Waiting for Delivery Man, Take a Bite of the Wild Slice). At Nottingham Rock City, the band were pelted with beer and booed off stage as he played a kazoo solo. They cancelled their European dates, citing a cheesemergency. My question about all this is: what the hell?

Its one of those good ideas you have when youre drunk, and you wake up and forget about it. But were taking it to the end of the joke. We have an album coming out, a vinyl pressing with a childrens choir, a symphony orchestra. Were giving it away, our gift to the world. Does he still find it funny? Of course I find it funny! We rhyme mushrooms with mushrooms, come on. Its the same joke, relentlessly. Like, theyre really doing this?

Culkin enjoys the absurdity his fame bestows. But scrutiny has its downside. In New York, he takes walks at 4am to avoid harassment. On YouTube, one can find clips of him being harassed by wannabe-paps with smartphones. In 2012, photographs of him looking gaunt, almost transparent, set tabloids aflame with stories he was addicted to heroin and oxycodone, following the breakdown of his relationship with Mila Kunis. Given his friendship with Adam Green and Pete Doherty as well as a previous arrest for possession of marijuana, Xanax and clonazepam it seemed plausible.

Performing as Pizza Underground with Deenah Vollmer. Photograph: Sam Santos/WireImage

Were people right to be worried? Not necessarily. Of course, when silly stuff is going on but no, I was not pounding six grand of heroin every month or whatever. The thing that bugged me was tabloids wrapping it all in this weird guise of concern. No, youre trying to shift papers. Is there a story there he might want to tell one day, on his own terms? Perhaps.

Whatever his recreational habits, Im surprised by how unscrewed-up Macaulay Culkin is. Plans for the summer mainly involve roadying for Har Mar Superstar and Green (with whom he has another lo-fi film out, Aladdin). Home is where my boots are. Im a big fan of jumping on peoples tourbuses, making myself useful, doing load-ins and outs. I do everything except the merch table. I tried that, but … we didnt sell anything.

He has directionless days. He sleeps in, stays up late, indulges immature humour, bounces around with bad-influence friends. In short, hes enjoying the adolescence that celebrity stole from him. Ironically, his personal problems and turbulent relationship with the media have also given him a pretty grown-up perspective. Not a bad epilogue for a child star.

Its allowed me to become the person I am, and I like me, so I wouldnt change a thing. Not having to do anything for my dinner, financially, lets me treat every gig like its the last. He laughs, and this time addresses himself in the second person. If it is, Id think: Culkin, you had a good run.

Source: http://allofbeer.com/macaulay-culkin-no-i-was-not-pounding-six-grand-of-heroin-a-month/

from All of Beer https://allofbeer.wordpress.com/2019/01/14/macaulay-culkin-no-i-was-not-pounding-six-grand-of-heroin-a-month/

[allofbeercom]

Macaulay Culkin: ‘No, I was not pounding six grand of heroin a month’

The Home Alone star talks about the drug rumours, dodging paparazzi and his cheese-flavoured Velvet Underground tribute act

Of all modern myths, it is the fall of the child star that most compels us. Whether theyre embarking on 55-hour marriages, throwing bongs out of windows or abandoning monkeys at customs, we cant seem to get enough. Theres something pathological in our need to tear down our icons of innocence, which might explain the overprotective nature of Macaulay Culkins US publicist, who wants to see all my questions upfront. I refuse. I thought we could just … have a chat? The interview, Culkins biggest in 10 years, is supposed to focus on his comeback. Im instructed to avoid anything negative. I ask if I can ask if he has any regrets. Regrets sounds too negative, is the response.

When we meet, in the lobby of a hotel in Spain, Im still trying to figure out what exactly this comeback consists of. Culkins filming an advert for Compare the Market, which is obviously not a passion project. It was fun, and we hammered that sucker out pretty quickly. The biggest scene was me sitting on a bench eating ice-cream.

Is he doing this to fund an exciting new venture? No, not necessarily. Hes dressed grungily, long hair man-bunned back, boots open-laced, blazer badge-studded. He doesnt project the focused careerism of most actors. People feel they have to be in perpetual motion, or drown. Ive never had a problem saying Ive got nothing lined up. Maybe Ill take the next year off. It sounds as if hes not particularly drawn to acting at all. Im not much active, he concedes. If I knew what I wanted to do, Id be writing it myself.

The trajectory of Culkins life feels like fallout from an atomic blast. By the age of 12, Uncle Buck, two Home Alone films, My Girl and (to a lesser extent) Richie Rich had made him the most successful child actor of all time. At 14, he became legally emancipated from his parents; both had been trying to gain control of his $17m fortune in their divorce. Culkin married at 17, and separated two years later. Sleepovers with Michael Jackson became public knowledge when he was called as a defence witness at the singers molestation trial. Im ghoulishly fascinated by this alien childhood. Id like to ask about Michael Jackson.

In Home Alone (1990). Photograph: Alamy Stock Photo

I think its best you dont, interjects his manager. She is one of three people sitting with us. Its not that its a painful topic … begins Culkin. His manager insists we move on, the PR next to her agrees. Culkin clearly wants to say something, but six eyes are telling him not to.

I suspect were both wondering why were here; 35-year-old Culkin doesnt do this sort of thing any more, having turned his back on the spotlight. I dont just turn my back, I actively dont want it. The paps go after me because I dont whore myself out. He has spent a decade turning down interviews, and mostly lives in France, where the aloof Parisians leave him alone. (Its also where Kevin McCallisters family were headed when they left him Home Alone, but we cant talk about that.) I get the impression hes as eager to talk about a price comparison website as I am to ask about one. Instead, I ask why people are still fascinated by him.

I have no idea. I was thinking about this the other day Id crossed the wrong street, picked up a tail, suddenly theres a crush of 20 paparazzi. Then people with cameraphones get involved. I dont think Im worthy of that.

With Michael Jackson in 2001. Photograph: Kevin Kane/WireImage

Has it got better with time?

Its been like that my whole adult life. You take on a prey-like attitude, always scanning the horizon. Its strange on dates, as it looks like youre not paying attention. But Ive stopped trying to think of myself in the third person, because thats just gonna drive me nuts.

You had to think about yourself in the third person?

Exactly. Macaulay Culkin is out there, and Im Mac. You guys can play with the first one.

Hes not averse to a bit of playing himself, for Culkin is the celebritys meta-celebrity. You may remember the meme-meltdown a few years back when Ryan Gosling was pictured wearing a T-shirt of Kevin McCallister. Culkin responded by creating a T-shirt that pictured Gosling wearing the shirt, before Gosling responded in kind, being photographed wearing a T-shirt of Culkin wearing a T-shirt of Gosling wearing a T-shirt of Culkin. They may still be at it for all we know.

Culkins previous ads, for the likes of Orange (and, in a Partridge move, the rebranding of Norwich Union), trade in close-to-the-bone self-analysis. For Compare the Market, he plays a hitchhiker picked up by the lovable meerkats, who see him as a child, buying him ice-cream and making him ride merry-go-rounds hes too big for.

In 2006, Culkin wrote an experimental novel, Junior, from the perspective of a certifiable child star with father issues. In web comedy :DRYVRS, hes a blood-spattered sadist, unhinged by the childhood trauma of parental abandonment, and defending himself against home invaders. Is all this self-quoting what hes drawn to, or just what he gets offered? A bit of both. It suits my personality and sense of humour. But I would be game for something non-self-referential.

Given this dilemma constantly returning to a past he wants distance from where does his sense of self come from? From me. I try to figure out what makes me happy and not in a superficial way. I keep my soul fit. Is he spiritual? I know enough to know I dont know. I was raised Catholic, so theres a lot of guilt. Were born with original sin. He veers off into a joke. Since I was told that, Ive been trying to come up with even more original sins, thatll really blow my priest away at confession. Like, heres one you havent heard it involves a pitching wedge, a donkey and a bucket of ice. And two meerkats? Yeah! You might wanna record this one!

With his brother, Kieran Culkin, c 1990. Photograph: Dave Benett/Getty Images

He reflects. Actually, Im very much at peace lately. I can debate with people, and my heart rate never changes. And Culkin is witty and affable. Funny, but distant. He offers confrontational figures of speech amiably. If you want to get into an argument with an artist, ask them what art is, he says. If you want to make an actor feel uncomfortable, ask them what theyre doing next. (I hastily scribble out one of the few questions Ive written down.)

Are his debates political? I have leanings, but Im the definition of a disenfranchised voter I think the system is ugly. This whole Trump thing is amazing. (Trump cameos in Home Alone 2, showing our hero the way to the Plaza Hotel lobby, although we cant talk about it.) Culkin doesnt want to be drawn further. Discussing politics is the quickest way to alienate people, so I dont wanna go into it. And Trump has enough column inches? Exactly! Hes like the Candyman, we have to stop saying his name.

Culkin was acting at four, an age at which no one knows what they want beyond watching cartoons and eating oversugared cereal. Having described himself as effectively retired, he works occasionally (voices for Seth Greens Robot Chicken, cameoing as himself in Zoolander 2), but: Im much more proactive with visual arts and writing, my notebook and little projects. Of the projects that reach the public, most could charitably be classed as divisive. There are paintings: one of the cast of Seinfeld on the set of Wheel of Fortune, being painted, nude, by He-Man. Theres The Wrong Ferrari, a Dadaist knockabout written on ketamine with Adam Green of the Moldy Peaches, shot entirely on iPhones. Most notorious is the Pizza Underground, his Velvet Underground tribute act that replaces the original lyrics with pizza puns (Im Waiting for Delivery Man, Take a Bite of the Wild Slice). At Nottingham Rock City, the band were pelted with beer and booed off stage as he played a kazoo solo. They cancelled their European dates, citing a cheesemergency. My question about all this is: what the hell?

Its one of those good ideas you have when youre drunk, and you wake up and forget about it. But were taking it to the end of the joke. We have an album coming out, a vinyl pressing with a childrens choir, a symphony orchestra. Were giving it away, our gift to the world. Does he still find it funny? Of course I find it funny! We rhyme mushrooms with mushrooms, come on. Its the same joke, relentlessly. Like, theyre really doing this?

Culkin enjoys the absurdity his fame bestows. But scrutiny has its downside. In New York, he takes walks at 4am to avoid harassment. On YouTube, one can find clips of him being harassed by wannabe-paps with smartphones. In 2012, photographs of him looking gaunt, almost transparent, set tabloids aflame with stories he was addicted to heroin and oxycodone, following the breakdown of his relationship with Mila Kunis. Given his friendship with Adam Green and Pete Doherty as well as a previous arrest for possession of marijuana, Xanax and clonazepam it seemed plausible.

Performing as Pizza Underground with Deenah Vollmer. Photograph: Sam Santos/WireImage

Were people right to be worried? Not necessarily. Of course, when silly stuff is going on but no, I was not pounding six grand of heroin every month or whatever. The thing that bugged me was tabloids wrapping it all in this weird guise of concern. No, youre trying to shift papers. Is there a story there he might want to tell one day, on his own terms? Perhaps.

Whatever his recreational habits, Im surprised by how unscrewed-up Macaulay Culkin is. Plans for the summer mainly involve roadying for Har Mar Superstar and Green (with whom he has another lo-fi film out, Aladdin). Home is where my boots are. Im a big fan of jumping on peoples tourbuses, making myself useful, doing load-ins and outs. I do everything except the merch table. I tried that, but … we didnt sell anything.

He has directionless days. He sleeps in, stays up late, indulges immature humour, bounces around with bad-influence friends. In short, hes enjoying the adolescence that celebrity stole from him. Ironically, his personal problems and turbulent relationship with the media have also given him a pretty grown-up perspective. Not a bad epilogue for a child star.

Its allowed me to become the person I am, and I like me, so I wouldnt change a thing. Not having to do anything for my dinner, financially, lets me treat every gig like its the last. He laughs, and this time addresses himself in the second person. If it is, Id think: Culkin, you had a good run.

from All Of Beer http://allofbeer.com/macaulay-culkin-no-i-was-not-pounding-six-grand-of-heroin-a-month/