#its just a hassle and im tired but i want my me time

[citrusvein]

every1 in this house go tf to sleep im trying to leave for a bit smh

[the-kipsabian]

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[feyd-meowtha]

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[babsaros]

i figured this week was gonna cause a meltdown, i just hoped i’d make it til friday :/

[nimomo-mo]

Vent

[kof-xiii]

experienced not necessarily the horrors but a little bit of the thrillers <- tried on a diva cup for the first time with little tampon or penetrative experience

[nashyuck]

Undeniable

(college friends, friends to lovers, dream dorms, sexual tension, creampie, oral sex, unprotected sex, pet names)

summary; The tension built up between y/n and Jaemin finally breaks when a hopeless y/n shows up at the Dreamies college dorm only to be welcomed by a shirtless irresistible Jaemin.

warnings; mature content MINORS DNI!

______________________________________________________________

The chemistry and sexual tension between you and Jaemin was undeniable. Your friends had started to catch up with the little looks exchanged between the both. Despite the evident sexual tension, you and Jaemin had never dared to make any sort of move. It was risky, you had been friends for over 7 years, it was risky to ruin the friendship and make things awkward for the rest of your friends. 

“Y/n have you packed?” Haechan asked as you maintained silence lost in your own world. Questioning how you’d get through this getaway knowing that you’d hear Jaemin morning voice for a whole week! Full of pure temptation. 

“Yeah I packed last night, I wanted to come in and check in with you guys about timing” being at the dorms was normal for you,  you spent a lot of time at their dorms, yes a apartment full of men might seem outrageous but it was better then staying in your dorm and listening to your roommate argue with her boyfriend 24/7. 

“This getaway is needed, midterms are finally over and we get a whole week off school” renjun whispered. 

“Drinks, girls, parties, and good music sounds like a vibe to me… can’t remember the last time I hooked up with someone” Haechan’s horny ass was known to be passed around on campus, the man has the looks, charisma and confidence. It wasn’t a surprised to the to everyone when a random girl snuck out of the dorms mid night. 

“Who knows maybe Y/N will finally hook up with someone” Haechan laughed.

“Unlike you i’m not a whore who sleeps with anyone” and its true the last time you hooked up with someone was a year ago right after your break up with Jaehyun. It didn’t feel right to have sex with just anyone. But one of the main reasons was your time spent at their dorms, men assumed that you were part of some orgy or that you were in a relationship with one of them. 

“Starting sound like a bitch to me” Haechan giggled

“Alright you fucken whore sincen you want to talk all that shit I’ll prove it to you that im fuckable” you claimed, noticing Jaemin’s gaze from the corner of your eyes. 

……………………………………………………………………………

Sleeping at your dorm seemed impossible considering the fact that your roommate continued to argue with her boyfriend through the phone. Not that it was the first time you had failed to fall asleep due to the noise, although most days you didn’t mind today was different, tomorrow would be long date of traveling to Busan and you didn’t want to be tired. 

Grabbing your belongings and making your way to the guys dorm in hopes that the fuckers weren’t already in the gaming mode or asleep. The walk was short so carrying your bags wasn’t such a hassle. 

Despite the 10 failed calls to Haechan, mark, Renjun, Chenle, jeno and Jisung you still made your way to their dorms in hopes of one of them opening the door. Calling Jaemin would have to be your last resort, you hated asking him for help despite his constant pleading and nagging of always calling him first. 

Finding yourself at their door, not a single call back nor reply to you knocking their door, there was no other choice but to call Jaemin. 

“Hi beautiful, why are you calling so late? We have a long trip tomorrow” Jaemin’s voice sounding tired, it was evident that he was ready to sleep. 

“I wasn’t able to sleep, my roommate is arguing with her boyfriend again, was hoping I can crash here can you open the door for me nana” you said sounding tired and upset. 

Jaemin loved it when ever you called him nana. He found it adorable how it sounded coming from you he didn’t know if it was because the nickname was only known by those close to him or if because it was you saying it. 

“Of course beautiful” 

One thing about Jaemin is that he never failed to call you sweet names like beautiful, gorgeous, princess, sunshine and pretty. He never failed to praise you and call you sweet names. Sometimes it gave you hopes that maybe he liked you a little but you knew Jaemin was just so soft spoken. 

Seconds later a shirtless messy hair Jaemin opens the door welcoming you with a smile, he looked sleepy. It was moments like this were you wished you could jump his bones and give him the best head. 

“Sunshine you walked here in those shorts ? Its late, it isn’t safe for a beautiful girl like you to be walking alone in the dark” despite his concerned words, deep down he wished this sight of you in those small shorts, messy hair and oversized hoodie was a sight only for him. He wished the hoodie you were wearing was his and not marks. He wished you had called him so he could’ve walked with you and make sure you were safe. 

“The walk isn’t long, and most people already left campus jaem, im pretty sure I was the only one walking at this time on campus” you said taking your shoes off and walking in with your bags. Jaemin didn’t notice them at first, taking your bags he placed them in the couch.

“You can sleep in my bed sunshine, I don’t mind sleeping out here” jaemin didn’t like the fact that you’d have to sleep out in the living room while everyone else slept in their comfy warm beds. 

“Are you sure? I don’t mind sharing a bed, we’ve done it before” 

it was true, you and Jaemin had shared beds before, when there was limited rooms at Chenle’s family beach house, you had no choice but to share a bed with one of them based on a game of rock paper scissors. 

Making you way to Jaemin’s room you felt butterflies, you’ve shared a bed before but this times it felt different. Maybe it was because the shirtless man kept walking extremely close tp you. Not that you mind but his body heat was intense and you loved the fact that he smelled like fresh soap and cologne. 

Hearing haechans and marks screams, only made you feel more hot considering the fact that both of the fuckers were up yet none answered made your blood boil. 

Jaemin’s room smelled just as intoxicating as him, you could spend hours in here. 

“You lay down first princess, Im going to edit some photos for a while, I really want to have these done before our trip” Jaemin sat in this chair man spreading its like he wants to purposely drive you insane. He has such broad shoulders and amazing tits, it drove you insane how he was just sitting there focused on his computer and had you rubbing your thighs together. 

Feeling hot, the hoodie not longer felt comfortable

“Nana can I borrow a shirt? I want to change into something more comfortable” 

Jaemin felt his heart skip, you had never worn his clothes before and it was a sight he was hoping to see. Giving you as smile while walking to his drawers and grabbing a pain white t shirt he wore on a daily.

Walking out of the bathroom now in jaemin’s shirt turned you on even more. 

“Hi y/n I just saw your message, but it looks like jaemin already helped you, see you tomorrow” Haechan said from this room still wearing his head set. 

“Whore, I called you like 10 times not a single call back, hope you choke in your sleep” you said rushing to Jaemin’s room pushing the door closed. 

Jaemin turning around to a new sight that only made feel hot and bothered. He could bend you right over his desk and make you scream his name. 

Not 10 minutes go by when you feel someone a second body lay in the bed. Making you feel nervous at the presence, feeling a pair of hands wrap around your waist pulling you in for a cuddle. He was so intoxicating that you didn’t even feel yourself rubbing against his crotch. 

“Princess don’t tease, I will not have any self control” Jaemin’s voice was so deep and sodding. 

Feeling his tent made you whimper, it was like music to Jaemin’s ears. 

“jae.. jaemin please” 

“Please what baby.. I need you to use your words” 

“Please touch me nana” 

Jaemin didn’t need any further instructions, moving his hands up to cup your breast and play with your nipple making you moan. 

“So soft and perfect for me princess, how I’ve been wishing to make you mine” 

Removing his hands off you and hovering over you, taking the white shirt off exposing your chest to him. 

“Look how perfect, such perfect tits bet you’d like it if I put them in my mouth” 

Jaemin was always so soft spoken and hearing these words made your mind cloud. He was so sexy. Chain hanging from his neck, abs so evident it was impossible to keep your hands off him. 

He leaned down for kiss that turned into a deep passionate make out session inviting his tongue in your mouth pushing up against his bulge, a groan escaped his mouth. 

“Why don’t we remove these lovely shorts off you, want to help my princess feel better” 

He moved down, removing your shorts and panties, he wish he could take a picture of you with his camera, you looked so beautiful, it was driving him insane. Spreading your legs open he licked his lips. 

“You’re soaking baby all for me, look at that pussy perfect just for me, bet you taste lovely” 

Feeling a wet kiss at your cunt, it was like heaven, jaemin was gentle and slow. Your pussy was so addicting to him, he could eat you out for hours and never get tired of your taste and smell. Pushing a finger in you made you gasp, having his fingers and mouth was making you dizzy. Seeing stars, jaemin began to rub circles against your clit senting you over the edge. 

“Fuck Jaemin im cumin” you screamed as your orgasm hit. 

He watched you as you rode your orgasm salivating. You looked so hot messy hair and chest rising due to your overpowering orgasm. Jaemin brought his fingers to his mouth licking your juices . 

“Are you going to continue looking at me or will you finally fuck me” the sudden confidence only made his dick twitch. 

Pulling him in for a wet kiss tasting yourself. Shoving one of your hands down his pants to release his members from his sweats. 

“Stop teasing me princess” jaemin groaned against your mouth. 

Rolling both of you over, you’re now on top of him wet pussy right on top of his dick that was partially sticking out of his sweats. You begin to grind against him making a moaning messy out of jaemin. You wanted him so bad, moving down to remove his sweats and boxers releasing his pink, pulsing dick. Licking your lips you take his tip in your mouth and begin to suck. 

“Fuck princess, you feel so good” 

Taking all of him gasping for air, Jaemin was big. You knew he’d be big but never imagined you’d be gasping, tears rolling down your face. Pulling out leaving a mess on his dick. Jaemin’s eyes were now dark full of lust.

“On top of me Now” 

Obeying his orders your get on top Jaemin naked parts meeting, you being to aline his dick against your enters. Pushing down to only take the tip both a moaning mess. 

“So big” you moan as you slowly push down taking him whole. The stretch wasn’t painful, it felt good. You began to grind in circles clenching against him causing to groan to escape. 

“Fuck baby if you keep doing that ill cum fast” 

You continued to move faster, jaemin thrusting up made you scream as he hit your cervix. 

“Fuck im gonna cum” he moaned.

“Please Jaemin cum inside me” you pleaded, wanting to feel him paint your walls. 

He began to rubbing your clit as you continued to ride him, sending shivers down your spine, making you see stars and jaemin spilled his seeds in you triggering your second orgasm screaming his name. 

“Jaemin… fuck… so good” 

As you laid on top him dick still inside of you, jaemin rolled you over now laying naked on his bed seeds spilling out of you. 

“let me get a towel and clean you up princess” 

As he stood up putting on his boxers, the realization hit you. You just had amazing sex with jaemin, the man you had been edging yourself too for months. Part of you felt embarrassed, he had now seen you naked, what he regretted having sex with you. What if he saw this a fling. 

“Angel, you’re all cleaned up how about you put on this t shirt and we cuddle, we have 5 hour before we have to be up” Jaemin looked sleepy and drained out. 

————————————————————————

Feeling the sun kiss your skin your stretch, a body cuddling you. 

‘“Good morning beautiful, how did you sleep?” 

Jaemin looked so beautiful, puffy face, messy hair and raspy voice.

“I slept good, ready for todays trip” sitting up looking around seeing your shorts on the ground. 

“How about we take a shower together and replay last nights activities” jaemin was bold for assuming you’d have shower sex with him knowing the guys were right next door. Not that stopped you last night.

Hearing a knock at the door a tired Haechan spoke “are you guys up or fucking again, geez jaemin let the poor girl breath” 

Oh that was so embarrassing, they heard you last night, Jaemin smirked proud of himself. 

“Now princess there’s nothing to be embarrassed about, they need to get used to hearing you, after all im going to be making my girl feel good all the time” Jaemin’s words make you blush. Suddenly being hit with the realization that he came inside of you. 

“Omg Jaemin you came inside of me we need to go buy a plan b and some condoms” 

“Whatever my princess wants, now how about round two in the shower”

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

-nashyuck

NOW TAKING REQUESTS!

[systems-overloaded]

i dont normally talk about disability stuff here i dont think, but i actually want to right now, and its relevant to me as a whole, so whatever.

(im not being specific about dx though, parts are scared somehow that could identify us, because not all conditions are common.)

~~~~

had an apptmnt the other day, i think yesterday? it was within this week for sure.

i thought i was there for a new wheelchair evaluation, but apparently these are the people who had to refer me to the people who do the evaluations and order you the wheelchairs.

a bit discouraged, because i was anticipating this being particularly a wheelchair evaluation, not just a dr whos going to document the need for a wheelchair evaluation (which. ive needed my powerchair inside my own home for 6+ years now, and my conditions only gotten worse. im absolutely overdue for another chair. there shouldnt be even more steps then there already are.)

at the apptmnt though, i honestly thought i did a good job masking. i was able to talk enough to answer questions, but thankfully my mom was there and said upfront that i have trouble sometimes with speech, that its very tiring for me. so i was able to just kinda point to her and say "too many words" and shed said some of my medical histories for me. but i answered all the questions about my relevant symptoms and pain types/levels, etc. i definitely stumbled and fumbled some words, but i thought it was "within normal speech", just maybe "tired person speech".

but when i looked at the drs notes today, under "psych" they put "flat effect". i mean... i know i have a flat effect, some alters are definitely more expressive naturally, but there are many who are just hardcore masking all the time. i struggle with even trying to mask and make those expressions (the ones others within do). but like... i thought i did a good enough job? i thought i smiled some or made some expressions? i dont think drs have ever added that before in our charts.

idk, maybe this is just from unmasking, or because im different from the parts that used to be fronting at those appointments? im not sure.

~~~~~

and im... a bit scared to be honest. for some reason every couple years, especially around autumn, the subsystems that are the main fronters, change. and although ive been fronting for most our lives, i dont think ive ever been out this much, in such a sort amount of time.

am i (and the others i have better communication with) just the new fronters? does that mean, since we all struggle to talk alot in varying degrees, and struggle to mask or create expressions, that were now going to be even more visibly autistic? visibly /vulnerable/? (like, yeah i use a power chair all the time, but i dont view that as vulnerable. i dont think it makes ppl see me as a potential target.) being visibly autistic, being visibly someone who'll rely on AAC (even when just part time, or when i can technically get some words out), and also being visibly queer at certain times, ooph... ooph. ahhhh thats ummmmm a bit scary.

~~~~~~~~

back to the appointment though. ultimately, they documented what was shared well in the notes. there was absolutely a miscommunication, they said i used my rollator in the house occasionally (id shared that i own a rollator, and had used it in the past. prior to needing my powerchair, so there mustve been a miscommunication with how i worded my response, or their interpretations). and i think some confusion initially about my conditions (since theyre used to seeing like spinal cord injuries, or people with strokes pretty much exclusively), but in the end they said i need my powerchair to complete my ADLs and that ill need the features of tilt, relcine, leg elevation, and custom positioning seating, and they specified well for which conditions i need them for. they covered all the info needed for insurance to approve those features. so i dont think imma go through the hassle of asking them to correct it.

~~~~~

im sending hopes and wishes towards the universe, for all things to go smoothly. for everything to get covered easily and for all the things that will improve my quality of life, improve my capacity for independence, to lessen my pain, and all me to be more functional even just within my home.

any well thoughts towards this is appreciated. (well thoughts and wishes, not prayers)

[rosebud2829]

I need to yell again.

If i get one more notification and it isnt from my parents im going to fucking block people. Im getting spam texts from my friends about stuff and im not in a good mood. They only ever wanna text me when i cant talk istfg. I got woken up by one of them because he told me to do something for a dare i wasnt even fucking apart of. I keep getting videos from 2 other ppl and im not even mad at them bc one does this so much idm but im just really tired and really pissy.

I got thrown off schedule because i usually shower around 7-8ish but i had to watch the dog and my mom has the fucking audacity to have an attitude with me when itd be a hassle to have the dog and groceries at the same time. Im doing them a favor and they came back for a bit and i went to use the restroom and she goes "we cant go yet we have to wait for HER to get out." GIVE ME A FUCKING BREAK.

Shes been so rude to me all day, she fucking got snippy with me when i was talking about my day bc i needed to send a picture of a poster to someone and she goes "is it homework?" And i said no abd she was like "yes it is" BUT IT DOESNT CLASSIFY AS HOMEWORK BUT SHE JUST HAD TO FUCKING BE RIGHT BECAUSE OF FUCKING COURSE!!

Im tired,the ashes are making me sick bc theres a fire pretty much about to engulf my city as i type this out,because of the fire the scheduled activities at school didnt happen and wont end up happening which im mad about, and im just getting tired of people again. Not to mention stuff happened monday that i cant even talk about here because people follow me here that know who im talking about and i just cant with it right now.

This whole week has been a shitfest. Im so fucking tired. Yeah theres been good stuff recently, alot of it. But the bad stuff just decides to rear its ugly fucking head and keep going and going and pushing me till i want to fucking drown and just not wake up.

If anyone sees this, which i know like 2 people will,if you ask im just gonna say im fine like usual. My mental shit doesnt involve one of you and the other one its screwing with me a lot. Ill be fine eventually, i always am.

I cant die anyhow, my friends would miss me too much. Atleast thats what i like to tell myself.

[spookyshoosh]

so early december i was really burnt out with doing my own digital art. in the previous months i had tried to reinvigorate my passion for visual art by getting into physical mediums again like pencil/ink drawings and watercolors. while it felt good for a little bit, i felt sadness in seeing how much my skills had regressed over time due to just not practicing/taking long hiatuses from art in general.

so,, i started learning how to crochet and like its just so good. i made a scarf for my dad for christmas and like the whole time i was making it i would get these little bursts of warm fuzziness. out of string, i’m making fabrics which i then sew together to make clothing. then when i gave the scarf to my father, he wore it and enjoyed the colors and how soft and warm it was. the feeling was absolutely invigorating!

i got a set for ergonomic hooks and a yarn bag for christmas by my boyfriend bc he saw how much i liked making the scarf. i indulged myself with the christmas money i got and bought myself some legit merino/angora wool yarn. it was like so fuckingg soft and warm. with it, i made a hat and scarf for myself. its new years now and my bf loves the hat i made for myself so he makes the trip AGAIN with me up to this boutique yarn store an hour and a half away from home so i can get more of the same yarn i made my hat out of but in a different color. i whip out this hat for him within days. he loves it. i make several more projects, two of which being; a cover for my hot water bottle and a little neck/ear warmer for my dog. all of that, however, has mostly just been practicing basic stitches, making and joining rectangles or doing simple single crochet rounds.

today, i pushed through some anxiety about trying something a little more advanced and bought yarn to make a sweater. the past couple days finishing up my last projects, i was looking at the emptiness of my yarn bag. not many scraps to work with as i’d already made little potholders and cozies already, so i began looking for new projects to consider. sweaters seemed like the next step for clothing, so i found a couple patterns. off to joanns i went in the midst of a fucking snow storm to get my sweater yarn. at this point, im confident and excited.

now, this is my first time formally using a actual crochet pattern, so i spent some time today reading the pattern and looking up an index on what all the abbreviations mean, how to size things, and a bunch of other questions that needed clarification. as i read, im actually understanding and learning and when things don’t make sense, i end up realizing what was wrong and fixing my mistake pretty easily and its not a terrible hassle.

idk man its just like,,, what if all these years this is what i was meant to do. i’ve been keeping up with it nearly every day for about a month now and i see no signs in myself of getting tired of it or wanting to quit. i want to keep learning and continue doing more stuff.

tldr; i ditched digital art for crocheting and my brain hasn’t brrrrrr’d this hard in a long time. learning new things that you’re good at is an incredible feeling.

[prettypinktulips]

Sam (stardew valley) x my character

(i made this as a joke cus i got mad that he rejected me at the flower dance) WARNINGS: angst um maybe fluff im not editing this after to say if i added fluff or not, sad stuff and i think thats it ALSO THE NAME OF MY CHARACTER WAS A JOKE TOO CUS I COULDNT THINK OF ANYTHING SO I JUST PUT RANDOM LETTERS TOGERHTER

Bishii felt his eyes widen with glee as he opened the letter. "The Flower Dance." were the only words popping out to him, and he knew exactly who he wanted to ask. Sam. Him and Sam have been talking for a few weeks, Bishii offering him a few gifts every week when he could afford it. Sam seemed appreciative of every gift he was managed to get him, he knew the farmer had trouble getting money since he just got to Pelican Town.

The farmer smiled widely as he stashed the letter in his jeans. No time to worry about the flower dance right now, he had to attend his crops. He sighed and grabbed the watering can, the sun dancing against his already tan skin. Harvey was starting to get worried about him because of all the times the farmer as passed out from overworking himself. He kept trying to warn him and telling him to take breaks when he knew he needed them. But of course Bishii just brushed it. He really needed the money from the crops. To take care of his animals and.. he didn't say it distinctly but, Sam.

After he finished watering his crops, he turned his attention to his cat. He almost forgot to give her water. "Come here, pancake." The ginger chuckled and walked up to her water bowl, he tilted the watering can over and started to pour some of the water in the brown colored bowl. (The cat and him are both ginger, ITS SO CUTE) "I think that's all I have to do for today, huh?" Bishii set the watering can down in the yard and yawned quietly, he looked up at the sky as it blinded him. It was still so early he didn't know what made him this tired. Maybe he just wanted this flower dance to come up already; he headed inside and looked around at his house. To himself he thought it was quite spacious, it has a kitchen, a living room, and a bedroom. What else could he possibly ask for? The kitchen had dark chocolate brown, wooden walls. His room was completely different, he didn't even bother trying to change the leaf wallpaper the house came with. He plopped onto his bed.. suited for two people. He didn't want to talk about that part. He knew exactly why he got the two-person bed.

A few days later after the farmer did was just water his crops, fed his animals, went to bed on repeat. It was finally the day, the day he was longing for has finally came. He walked into the kitchen and turned the water on, he tilted his head underneath the faucet and ran his fingers through his long hair. It really was a hassle to keep up, he was just planning on cutting it sooner or later. He had to keep his hair from getting tangled in his earrings sometimes which really pissed him off. After what seemed like forever, he was finally finished getting ready. His hair was slicked back, he had his cheap cologne on, and what seemed like his best clothes. How could he almost forget the most important thing on his list? The bouquet. He kept the flowers in a vase so they wouldn't dry out. They were truly magnificent. He knew Sam would love them indefinitely.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

THE FLOWER DANCE

Bishii was so fucking nervous. He kept trying to talk himself out of not doing this. The dance was going to start in any minute.. what if someone was to ask Sam before him? I mean, how could they not. He took a deep breath and walked into the forest, he felt his mouth drop open a little as he took in the scenery. "Holy shit.." It was so beautiful, everyone looked beautiful. Then he caught the farmer's eye. There he was. Sam. All he had to do was ask him to dance, that didn't seem so hard. He held the bouquet close to him as he headed towards the group.

"Sam? Could I talk to you?" The farmer swallowed hard. He had already talked to him now there's no running away. "Yeah, what's up?" The blonde looked at him and smiled, he still had that stupid hairstyle of his. The farmer loved it though. "I was.. wondering if you'd like to dance with me?" Bishii watched as the blondes face fell. "I.." Sam looked to the side. He felt his heart drop to his stomach as he gripped the bouquet firmly. God, please, please.. he prayed internally to himself as he felt the tears forming in his eyes. "I dunno, maybe next year? I'm already dancing with Penny.. And plus I barely know you." Bishii felt the flowers fall out of his hands as he clenched his fists. Barely know me..? He choked on his tears and turned around. "It's fine." He lied right through his teeth, everybody was looking at them. Everybody knows that Sam just rejected him. His fingernails were so deep in his skin that they caused it to bleed, tears were rolling down his tan cheeks. He just got humiliated in front of basically the whole town. He had to get out of here but he was trapped, all the exits were cut off with some stupid tape. He was stuck there until the dance ended. But the only thing he could think was how he had to get away from Sam.

Bishii was standing in the dark corner next to some trees, he watched as Sam and Penny danced, he was still sobbing for some reason. Maybe it's because he wished he was in Penny's place.. Yeah, that was probably it.

"Hey kiddo, you alright?" Robin was right there, she had a worried look on her face. "I saw what happened.. I'm sorry that you weren't able to attend the dance." The farmer looked down a little and noticed she had the bouquet in her hands. "The bouquet..?" He mumbled and she just nodded. "Well, I didn't want such beautiful flowers to go to waste.." She handed them to the farmer and he nodded. "I suppose so.."

A few hours later the farmer was back home. In his bed; all he did was stare up at the ceiling, replaying the scenario in his head. Bishii should've known he was going to get rejected. Sam was way out of his league.. and then him compared to Penny? He was nowhere near as beautiful as she was. He tried his best to hold the tears back as he laid on his side, he was meet face to face with pancake. He let out a few chuckles as she licked some of the salty tears off of his cheek. He ignored Sam for a few weeks, every time Sam tried to talk to him, Ignored. Meet him outside his house? Ignored. He just left some flowers at his door when it was Sam's birthday.

[s-starvoid]

well... i mean, most of them are disordered, so... i will share them, and i doubt you'll mind, but you might have to trigger tag them, ha

thinking about a song that's often used in edits of people in love... and how that song is devastatingly sad to me. funny to think how i feel like actual happiness in love isnt achievable. not to mention how dare it be portrayed that its possible, flaunt other peoples happiness at me? and how some simple lyrics can have me question my very existence. why keep living if im so useless that i cant get any of that? ive been close to death at my own hand before, i know i can make it again

im tired, and bored of being nothing to apparently everyone. that might just be the personality disorders, though

isnt it pretty, though? i dont know. to be this broken is exhausting, but i hope its pretty to everyone else. there is no limit to things i would do to be loved and get attention

-🧸

hm “pretty” certainly is one way to see it,, i suppose there is beauty in seeing such a damned creature. i know yuki feels similar to how you describe; at times she relishes in their own ruins, like its fuel to fire.

personally it’s just a hassle for me. i don’t care much for my past or how it’s “effected” me. i am who i am, i’ll do what i want when i want whenever. it doesn’t matter to me how “broken” i am. i’m sure of myself and that’s what matters to me. being “loved” on the other hand is another topic. honestly i don’t think i can “love” per say. love to me means violence, pleasure, and suffering for someone else. and i can get those things without “loving” ya know? ugh my head hurts so ill be going back inside. ‘m probably gonna blow off some steam and beat someone up.

[forestryfae]

so like the goal for today is to clean the kitchen to some degree, do laundry until the racks are relatively full, and ideally clean my bedroom as well, plus i gotta empty the litterboxes

and its not like i cant get it done or anything its just that im thinking about the kitchen and its just so fucking cluttered. theres shit everywhere. ive got machines and hit on the counters and table, ive got two big boxes on the floor full of stuff i wanna get rid of, i cant even reach like half of the shelves in my kitchen and i can only it so much stuff where i CAN reach, and its just so i-wanna-throw-away-everything-core like. i dont wanna have to keep utensils Just In Case i need them, im tired of having to wash plates and keeping them around just for the cats even tho i dont use them myself, its annoying to not ever have a clean tidy kitchen bench and its really easy to forget ive put soemthing on there so i keep filling the dishwasher and thinking im done and i just turn around and theres six more pots i forgot i had sitting on the other side of the room.

i cant even fit my nicer dessert bowls and such in the cabinets cus theyre full of stuff i got as gifts that i REALLY like and wanna keep but also like who needs 8 waterglasses and 8 mugs at the same time. i love all the stuff i have and i dont wanna gt rid of it but every time i go to grab a mug im instantly like "no i dont want that one i want a different one" but its towards every cup and i cant even get rid of more cups cus i like all my cups and i dont even know what i have in the lower cabinets next to where i store the pots. i NEVER use them. if i want something i use often i store it where i can actually reach it and everything else just gets forgotten so you can imagine my surprise at the dicovery that i have four breadmolds and even christmas cookie tins

and its like that with every room in the house, theres stuff in plain sight i dont want to keep, theras stuff i didnt even know i had that i cant decide whethar i want or not specifically cus im so surprised i even have it and because of nostalgia, theres gifted stuff i actually like, then theres gifted stuff i dont even want to keep cus its just utterly useless to me. like the roomba dad "gave" me because he thought itd help keep the house clean. except its a much bigger hassle than its worth and it can only do one room and its a room i dont use so why bother. i als put gave in quotation marks cus hes coming to pick it up some da, no fucking clue when cus he just said "some day", cus he wants it back so grandma can have it. like. yes fair enough shes struggling to keep the house clean but its still annoying that this keeps happening over and over why does my family keep giving me shit then wanting it back. mom gave me their toaster so i wouldnt have to buy one but she went and just took it cus she just needed it while i was in inpatient. like. ive got furniture i got from either her or dad too. a table and chair set, a dresser, some lamps, christmas ornaments and shit, a christmas tree, some bowls mom gave me so id have bwls until i could buy myself bowls, etc. like i dont use any of it and they can gladly have it all back but they do not get to complain when i try to get rid of it and they dont want it either, and i dont want them changing their mind and wanting the stuff i actually like and use back. i wanna keep that one chair dad gave me and thats non-negotiable.

like. i just really wanna start over w the house. sell or give away all the shit i dont want so i can actually manage everything without exhautsing myself and getting rid of stuff i only keep cus i need it regardless of whether i want it or not. starting over completely interior-design-wise so ill have a better idea of what stuff i actually enjoy and what i actually use and what just feels trashy or just takes up space it doesnt need to take.

anyways i cleaned the bathroom today then washed my hair so thats nice

[sugarrslifeblog]

Sept 23th 2024

i had gotten sick by day 21, my mom hit me and a bunch of stuff happened.. im tired so im not so up to detail things,

other than that i went to my psychologist and i do not have ADHD, i also was told i needed to eat more, around 40 kg or more, what i eat is very little. i weight 38 to 39 kg. i am 15. i'm underweight

she gave me some good advice, though i should ask my therapist what to do for a living, i have no idea.. well i do but its risky.

maybe if im better tomorrow i'll bake some cookies w grandma, i wanted to learn to bake anyway in chance maybe one day i can make a dessert cafe with cats. i wish. but it seems impossible so.

i hate this stupid cough holy shit, fuck being sick. i felt like i was dying, i wanted to just die in bed but i refused to.

atleast it was not as worse as the other times, i only puked 3 times. i've puked way more than that, and period just had to come... great.

i misunderstood everything. but the teacher was being a bitch too.

i fell asleep in the uber driver, i haven't slept in a car ever since i was a child, a long long time ago

exhausted, dont think i still want to go to school yet. i recover in 3 or 4 days. it's too early.

i already have group projects to do, im doing them all individually. people are a hassle. and i really dont want to deal with them. others kept telling me that they are worried and concerned for me but.

i feel its just all a lie. but im glad they dont judge me anymore atleast.

you can count on me that i am DEFINETLY not doing homework. ...well only a few but never math. math is bullshit and i'll never get a hang of it. it's crap.

i managed to talk with my psychologist more than i normally write. their glad i'm doing better but. they told me they didnt want to see any further cuts on my arm the next time i get there.

..i cant promise that. i break promises but, ill try my best.

~20:21

[vtori73]

Hmmm... I'm... I'm really bad at talking with people. Like I can do casual, but that's... really it. I don't know how to talk to people otherwise, I want to make friends with others but it just doesn't work out.m because I just can't. I mean, I guess it also just kind of seems like the people who I want to or would like to be friends with don't want to ever really be my friends and random people who do want to be friends aren't people I want to stay friends with after getting to know them. I mean, that is not necessarily true though, it was more so the fact that I just felt like they kind of got tired of me or more correctly I got insecure and felt like they didn't really care for as much anymore or I wasn't much of a factor in their lives and me noping out wouldn't matter especially since we didn't really know each other for that long.

I know, I'm still in the wrong, I gh0sted them basically and I'm not trying to defend it but I just find it hard to think it was that big of a deal. I get it for people you've known for years but someone you've barely just started knowing shouldn't be like a big deal, while you can still believe it sucks (& it does) I don't think people you barely know have to explain themselves to you and such especially if there isn't really much to explain. Literally I just didn't see these relationships going anywhere so I'm not saying it was okay but it also wasn't the worst most evil thing in the world because again, I didn't know these people that much and they were the ones who came to me first so I gave them a chance and let them in, honestly some would say it would have been ruder of me if I had just been honest about not wanting to be friends anymore.

But this is also a pattern with me I've noticed but moreso out of genuine low-confidence and anxiety I have for interacting with others. I try to make sure I word everything right and reread what I wrote to make sure I don't accidently write something that could be interpreted wrong, I avoid using emojis because they can specific meanings that I just not aware of because I just take them at face value or if I do use them I try to use the most common/neutral/known ones in person I just try not to talk or say too much in fear of saying something stupid or weird and i dont want to weird people out and when I do talk and actually talk about something a bit more important or anxiety inducing I tend to shake (tremor) or use to I'm not sure if that still happens since im more able to share opinions more often now but its probably still there just situational. If I leave a comment and I don't get a reaction soon enough I start to freak out that I said or did something wrong so I end up deleting it to get rid of the trail, to make up for it or hide it before it can be seen in case I did write out something weird.

I know how I never really had a normal relationship, friendships included because when I had the most friends in my life, which was highschool, I was a big people pleaser and went out of my way to try and be liked and to keep the friends I had. Nothing really horrible but one example I can actually remember is that despite the fact that we went quite a few times to the movies together I was never actually... asked for my opinion on what movie to watch it was always decided, and I never thought much of it till later after these friendships started dissolving. I was also the one that put in the most effort but barely got any back, again nothing horrible but not great either. I noticed how once I did start trying to voice my actual opinions and such I got less and less interactions from others because something I probably always knew deep down that was confined for me was that I wasn't mostly tolerated because I was easy to be around and deal with and once I wasn't I wasn't really worth the hassle anymore.

Maybe I'm misremembering though, maybe I'm being rough on those old friends but that's what it seemed like to me. It's probably also why I do find myself noping out of these new relationships, because i worry or notice they are drifting away and I don't want to give them the chance to gh0st me so I leave instead. Some of them though I don't regret after finding out about specific opinions they hold. I find myself sort of glad though that I did, glad I left instead of put up with people with opinions I can't stand personally just for the sake of not being alone.

[notncl]

are you slowly falling out of love? are you getting tired of my sensitivity? are you so sick of reassuring me? am i making you feel less? do you not love me anymore? is ur live for me not as intense as it was before? am i losing you? are staying because of conveniency? do you still want me? do i still give you butterflies? or do i just give you pain and hassleness? are you slowly shying away from me? will you leave me? am i not enough anymore? is our sparj fading? do you want to explore with someone else? do i make you crazy?

so many questions and yet all i wanna hear is how much you love me and how much you want us to work it through. so many things to say but all i wanna hear is why you choose to stay. so many doubts and yet im so sure i wanna be with you till the other side.

i love you too much. i fear that its not enough to love you in this life time.