#its incredibly frustrating bc i want to talk it over with people

[muzdiir]

the more i think about it, the more i think that going to art school is a cop-out. like i'm just considering it bc getting my master's in archaeology was too hard.

i wish to be ground into a fine wasabi paste

[angstflavoured]

I would love to hear more about your toxic pim and charlie headcanons. All I can think of is Pim might be too desperate to prove something and Charlie has that "alpha male" thing

SO GLAD YOU ASKED !!!! I need to rant about this to clear things up bc I think about how Charpim would work so much and it makes me go insane bc their dynamic is fucking incredible.

Ill take this as an opportunity to do a little character study and explain why i think they would inherently be toxic at their very core 👹👹 and how I think their relationship would even function.

First off, a HUGE roadblock is the fact that they have completely different ideals. They want totally different things in life and go about life almost in completely opposite ways.

Pim's been shown in canon multiple times to want a normal, healthy, nuclear family. He wants a wife and kids and wants to raise them well and be the father figure for them that he himself never had. It's apparent that he wants to settle down, and just hasn't found anyone willing to. When he even talks to Shrimpina, he can't help puking and making a fool of himself and tossing and turning at night over it. This makes it clear that while i do NOT AT ALL think he's a virgin, Pim doesn't have a lot of experience with this kind of stuff. It's probably all been pretty awkward and never lasted very long.

I don't think that him or Charlie have any problems with being gay, but I do think that Pim settling down with a guy does inherently shatter his ideals. ESPECIALLY with the way Charlie acts. Being with Charlie wouldn't be a picture perfect movie couple, and I think that would really frustrate and disappoint Pim when Charlie doesn't act like he's "supposed" to. He wouldn't really be a BOYFRIEND to him. Pim is just a lot more romantic and holds a lot more hope in the idea of love than Charlie does. He's an optimist and Charlie is VERYRYYY much a pessimist.

The way that Charlie goes about relationships is MUCH more laid back and casual. His girlfriend (who IS CONFIRMED to be his girlfriend by Zach himself in the commentary videos, you can find it pretty easy on YouTube) is hardly ever mentioned and doesn't seem to hold much weight to him at all. To me, that whole thing with her being there kind of confirmed that Charlie casually hooks up with people/dates a lot, and doesn't really take it all that seriously. He doesn't have any intentions of settling down or moving in with anyone. Even in the ep where the fucken mustard chick was flirting with him, Charlie didn't seem to give two shits or even get a little flustered. He'd USED to that kind of stuff, where Pim isn't.

It's been a joke multiple times that even for a critter, Pim is perceived as pretty unattractive and weird looking 😭😭 and that's the biggest difference between them I think. Charlie is single BY CHOICE, while Pim is single because he can't get anyone who wants to long term date him.

If Charlie and Pim ever slept together or did anything, I think it would hold a lot more weight for Pim than it would for Charlie. Charlie is a fucking asshole! He doesn't show affection well, he's pretty inconsiderate of other people, he's very slobby and hardly takes care of himself. He wouldn't want to DATE pim the way that Pim would want to date Charlie. Pim would want to do all that mushy stuff that he's seen in movies that he's never been able to try, like holding hands and cuddling and going out to cute dinners.

CHARLIE WOULDN'T WANNA DO THAT! He's VERY CLEARLY SHOWN in canon to not be that kinda guy. He can hardly even think about himself, he doesn't have the time or want to expend the energy thinking about someone else on a daily basis. Just look at the fucking difference in their rooms--

They work at the same job at the same position, they should be making the same amount of money. And from the Brazil episode where they talk about funds, it doesn't seem like its a super lot. But Pim spent more time and money making his room look nice and his sheets and pillows match, somewhere with a nicer view and cute painted walls. Charlie just bought the cheapest, ugliest little shithole he could find.

You can fucking bet that they would not be good living together, that is if Charlie even wanted to live with him. You can literally see in the back that his sink is full of dirty dishes bro. He probably uses paper plates and plastic cups for everything so he doesn't have to do the dishes, you can bet he's always ordering nasty ass takeout food.

Also sorry, but like please open your eyes and look at the way Charlie treats Pim in the show. Obviously he cares about him and holds him as a dear friend, but he just is kinda a shitty person and doesn't do it very well a lot of the time. He's constantly fucking negative and rude, and it clearly takes a mental toll on Pim. Pim's always the one trying really hard to invite Charlie out to things, like in the alien episode. Pim just wants to hang out and tried to find something Charlie might like, and Charlie was grumpy and dismissive and tried to leave multiple times.

In the most RECENT EPISODE, he got in a physical fight with Alan and was being a dick about physical contact that he basically initiated. In the alien episode, Charlie was screaming at the aliens and ignored pim, ended up clocking him in the fucking face and didn't say a single word about it because HE WASN'T SORRY, HE DIDN'T FUCKING CARE.

they're both incredibly flawed people in completely opposite ways, and they'd both want entirely different things out of the other one. They'd both be trying to change each other, the way they literally already do in the show.

i love charpim more than anything with my entire soul, and im not trying to be a doomer about it, im just so sick of people potraying them like

Charlie: I... I like you... is that okay?

Pim: yes.... would it be okay if I kissed you?

LIKE GIRL WHAT ARE YOU SAYINGGGG THEY ARE GROWN ASS, DIRTY, GROSS MEN WITH DICK AND BALLS.

There was a whole episode where pim literally turned into a fucking crazy ass creature because he was so incredibly jealous of Charlie getting what PIM had wanted. Pim wanted to be a hero and help people and save the day and live out his little idealized world, and when CHARLIE got that and he didn't, it pissed him the fuck off. He wasn't happy for Charlie, Pim WANTED what Charlie had.

LIKE OH MY GOD, THEY'RE JUST SO DISFUNCTIONAL!!!

Their relationship would be fucking crazy and rocky and TOXIC, and that's like the whole appeal of it imo. that's literally how they act in canon. I think that the two of them could eventually work things out to be pretty happy, but it would NOT be without its hardships and it definitely would still never be anything even close to textbook.

THEY'RE FUCKING FREAKS IDK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

also almost forgot, not even to mention Charlie's substance abuse and how its canonically shown he gets rude and violent. like r u kidding.

[anonzentimes]

*guy who loves talking about despair disease voice* wait can we talk more about despair disease. i have so many thoughts on despair disease and esp how it pertains to nagito

i feel like when a lot of people first play/watch the games they see nagito as someone who lies to manipulate people, which while i can’t super blame them for thinking that way bc of how hajime tries to reconcile his conflicting feelings over nagito, i get SO frustrated when ppl call nagito a liar bc no!!! no he’s not!!! you’re falling for other characters’ perceptions of him!!! nagito almost never lies and when he does he’s either really bad at it (cough cough final FTE. “i got it all from a book” you are not slick buddy) or comes clean as soon as he’s achieved his desired outcome- it’s more bluffing than actual deception, and one thing he’s especially sincere in is his beliefs and admiration for the people around him. and the despair disease PROVES this without a doubt!!

ok. i know in-text the despair disease is described as “reversing people’s personalities,” but i’ve always interpreted it a little differently. ibuki isn’t the opposite of gullible, akane isn’t the opposite of a coward, and nagito isn’t the opposite of a liar. to me, it’s always seemed like the despair disease gives its host the trait they’d most hate to have— whatever trait would instill in them the deepest despair. ibuki hates conformity- stick her with a disease that makes her blindly follow whatever she’s told. akane hates showing weakness- force her into a state of constant crying. nagito hates the idea of deceiving his classmates- make him incapable of being sincere. this interpretation makes mikan’s disease make a little more sense too imo, since remembering her brainwashing isn’t exactly reversing her personality but instead literally filling her to the brim with despair. ANYWAYS.

nagito Actively Despises not being able to tell the truth. he hates the despair disease, he sees it as a complete waste. in the ult. luck and hope and despair mangas, we actually get to see some of his internal monologue right before he passes out, and he is In Hell. he’s pissed that he can’t serve as a proper stepping stone in his state, he thinks the whole disease is stupid, and he gets so frustrated about not being able to properly encourage the group that he Literally Starts Foaming At The Mouth ????? like if you EVER wanted undeniable proof that nagito is sincere look at the despair disease. it’s basically a roundabout truth serum for him and that’s a huge part of why it’s one of my favorite motives

sidenote i feel like the despair disease has a shit ton of analysis potential in general just bc of how it turns characters into what they hate the most!! i loveeee brainstorming what symptoms certain characters would have gotten were they to get infected. hajime especially. maybe he’d get a fawning disease where he starts praising everyone nagito-style (this would highlight their bystander parallels and also make hajime feel MISERABLE bc he fucking hates when nagito points out how similar they are lmao). or maybe he’d get an apathy disease that’d essentially izuru-fy him (wonderful foreshadowing potential there, not to imagine the incredible angst of izuru being the thing hajime would hate to be most in the world.) alas i am not a fanfic author so i will sit with my concepts but it is a wonderful daydream with any dangan characters i’d highly recommend it :]

YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESSSS!!!!! I SCREAM IN UNISON WITH YOU I LOOOVEEE THE DESAIR DISEASE!!!!! MAN… I’M SO OBSESSED WITH HOW YOU INTERPRET AND ARTICULATED THE DESPAIR DISEASE💗💗💗 The Despair Disease is genuinely so good for analyzing I really do believe Danganronpa 2 Chapter 3 is the best Chapter 3 out of the franchise. I think the reserving of their personalities truly meaning the traits they would hate to have is soo good I’m eating up, sealing it in my heart, and using it forever such a delightful way to explain it. The interpretations on what disease Hajime would get is so fun, I’ve seen some people interpret him getting the honesty disease which is fun in concept but I don’t think it works as well as other ideas could, y’know? Your ideas for a potential apathy or fawning disease are really fun to me, I like the idea of the fawning disease tapping into how much of a realist he is and giving him the opposite attitude Lol. Thank you so much for sending this it’s so fun I’ll be thinking about this forever, I wish I was a fanfic writer aha! I really want to become a fanfic writer, soon with time I suppose. Thank you again for sharing your daydreams with me, you’re very right it does have a lot of analysis potential! :D

[kumezyzo]

ooo could you write something where y/n and sap have been dating for a while and maybe it’s a bit angsty bc y/n wants everyone to know they’re dating but sap is scared ( or the other way around) of telling people so maybe they have an argument but then he does the cutest n sweetest reveal post ever

if i’m making sense

i feel like this trope is sometimes overused and done incredibly wrong, but i think I've done it justice. thank you so much for requesting 🥰🥰

anyway, enjoy! or dont :) m.list

bf!sapnap wanted it to be known that you were dating. that you were his, and he was yours. it was a no-brainer for him. he wanted to he able to kiss you in public, let alone go out with you. he wanted to stream with you and show off how amazing you are. but you just weren't ready yet.

you were so sure people would be angry to know he was dating someone rather than be happy you were a good person. you'd heard way too many stories, seen too many situations to think you'd be welcomed with open arms.

and bf!sapnap tried to respect that. but after a few months, it was too much. he wanted to go on dates with you.

"baby?" he asked you softly. you hummed in acknowledgment, looking up from your laptop momentarily. "i wanna tell people about you."

you stopped your movements and looked over to your boyfriend. he looked nervous. and rightfully so. you had been shutting down the idea for the past couple of months.

"nick... we've talked about this..." you told him softly, feeling your heart break at the way his shoulders seemed to droop. he nodded and ran a hand over his face, frustrated.

"i dont give a shit what people think! i just want to be able to leave the house with my girlfriend!" he exclaimed, throwing his arms up in defeat.

"well, i do," you told him incredulously. "i mean, i would get shit on so quickly. a-and not to mention if we went out, it wouldn’t really be peaceful."

"so you don't want to tell people because youre scared?" he crossed his arms.

"yes," you sat up, pushing your laptop off to the side. "im scared. ive never been in the eye of the public and this fandom you have? its fucking crazy."

"but i want to tell them about you. you're my life. and i want to share that with them," he told you simply. as if it could be that simple for you too. "and if they don't like you, i won't care. I'll just tell them all to fuck off."

you let out an amused scoff, "you'll tell them to fuck off?"

"mhm."

"and what else?" you asked, completely amused by the simplicity of his solutions.

"I'll ban all of them," he huffed.

"all of them?"

"yup, all of them. even if theres no one left watching me, i know you'll still be there," he said softly. he stepped closer to you. "and they'll all be gone, knowing that im happy with my girl. and when they see us out on dates, they can fuck right off.

you but your lip, trying to hide your smile. he felt his heart warm at the sight. he already knew your answer.

bf!sapnap who, as soon as you give him the green light, posted a picture of you two to his instagram.

the picture was a selfie of you two. your face was squished up against his and big grins on both of your faces.

you two were just hanging out that day, laying in bed together, and feel particularly cuddly. you remember wanting to be as close to him as possible when you took the picture. and that was the result.

he captioned it with "whos that really hot guy next to my gf???"

bf!sapnap who went through the comments and all the tweets with you, feeling content with all the nice comments flooding through and with the smile on your face.

in the words of an amazing poet: yeet, yeet, skert, yeet yeet, skirt, skirt, skirt. roll up. drop that. skirt that. pop that-

im sorry, i dont know what came over me.... -nony

[cartoonrival]

HEY YOU Hit me with some Julie Su propoganda cuz I'm mostly lukewarm on her character and don't know all that much about her.

OK OK ... well baseline info she's the daughter of dark legion general luger, and half sister of lien-da and kragok, who are twins and both high ranking legion soldiers. when their mother (merin-da) died and luger remarried, ld and kragok hated his new wife (julie-su's mother) (mari-su) so bad they orchestrated her death, info which was they kept on the DL for a long time until js eventually found out about it. memory situation, js is raised by other folks who actually love her and doesn't learn who her blood family is until later. she joins knuckles because she feels inexplicably drawn to him (soul touch) (echidna soulmates) so she defects from the legion to join the chaotix. the soul touch thing sucks and i hate it but this is how it goes. ill talk about my au version of her at the end lol bc things ive built on top of canon are part of the reason why shes one of my fave charas in the series lul

ANYWHO i honestly find it pretty frustrating when people talk about js as just being pink knuckles, shoehorned into the story to give knuckles an obligatory girlfriend, because it really demonstrates that they like. weren't paying a lick of attention to anything because she genuinely has a LOT of personality but since people just go in anticipating anything penders touched to suck they don't even bother to think about her for longer than half a second.

js fills a niche that, imo, could always use filling, especially with regards to girl characters, which is to say shes a well meaning asshole. shes incredibly blunt, she's pessimistic (immediately assumes knuckles must be dead when enerjak returns and they cant find him, tells knuckles not to search a fallen ship that his mother was on because shes probably dead and she doesnt think he'd want to see that). shes terrible at handling interpersonal conflict (knuckles confesses to her that he feels guilty and stressed over all the pressure put on him as guardian and she scolds him and says "this isn't just about you", which results in a minor shouting match when she really had zero intention of starting an argument), she's almost constantly beefing with vector (tbf its because hes sexist he refuses to see past her history as a member of the dark legion). these might suond like cons but i love characters like this LOL and they fit especially well in archie where people love to get mad at each other and make dumb mistakes and it just feels very genuine and interesting and endearing to me. shes rough and difficult but she's also DEEPLY loyal. she'd die for knuckles and the chaotix and the way she interacts with them always makes me soooo ........ im just gonna give some examples i can find.

(knuckles is on the phone with her)

^ this was the genuine conclusion of an argument they had and im obsessed with it because both of them suck with emotions so they both give the worlds strangest apology and know that the other means it and they move on. plus putting her arm in front of SHADOW THE HEDGEHOG while theyre confronting eggman even after watching him CHAOS BLAST, primarily because she feels like this is more her fight than his (its about knuckles).

theres def more and i could find them if i was more on top of archie but unfortunately im #narutopilled rn. BUT ANYWAYS. shes just a very fun character with a messy personality and fun interactions and she loves her buddies sm even tho she bickers with them. shes just very special. she fits well with knuckles in a way that makes their relationship actually feel plausible instead of just forcing him to have a girlfriend (tho ofc the writing is fumbled sometimes like. ITS ARCHIE. bffr. but thats the case with literally everything ever in archie so you take what you can and its amazing). also see below. BASED AS FUCKKKKKKK

and ill discuss my au briefly bc u r asking me my opinion on js and that does play a large role in how i feel abt her, but rly im just expanding on elements of her story that werent discussed as fully as i wouldve liked. her relationship with lien-da is obviously BAD in canon, but theres not a lot of time spent lingering on precisely how lien-da and kragok feel about julie-su as the product of their fathers second marriage to a woman they KILLED because they hated her so much. ive also given her much more internal strife over turning away from the legion, originally joining the chaotix planning to betray them from the inside then being slowly convinced to join them for real after realizing how much she'd been brainwashed by the legion and what its like to have people who truly love and care about you. her story as someone who is trying to find herself outside of her history as a child soldier is something that TOTALLY deserves to be expanded on and its a bit sad that it wasnt explored. but i mean really im not changing her actual PERSONALITY at all because as i discussed shes oozing with it.... im honestly never going to make the full comic i wanted to so at some point im just going to compile all the lore and concept art and stuff into one big post to share. but thats like a spoiler free taste.

she also has a gun. which is fucking awesome because not enough sonic characters have guns. people make shadow the guy with a gun but he hasnt been seen with one since shth. hello....

[aerisleis-fics]

For the WIP asks: you know I love a good soulmate AU :D I'm curious about Sefikura because that one's not usual for you!

<3 so! the sefikura soul mates au has been talked about (briefly) but I'm happy to chatter about it again bc its weirdly. Stuck in my brain even tho it ISNT my usual. idk how long it's going to take to materialize bc I dont know Exactly how I want to bring it to life.

The basis is very generically "love doesn't solve everything, actually" in the general vein of, it doesn't take back the fact that the two may hurt each other, and it doesn't heal the wounds. Love is work, etc.

(the original notes passage was

Love doesn’t conquer all, actually. like. as a concept. but my brain will not hand me wtf it wants to Do with that but like just. I love you more than I love myself etcetc but this doesn’t fix us, it doesn’t get us out of the mess we’re in and like to clarify not even entirely in the. in the. “must be a bad ending” kind of way but in the, it takes more than loving someone to make it work. and I could go on about like. loving someone being a Choice not a feeling. a choice made every day to keep trying to keep working, etc.)

On less broad-philosophical view it's a combo of pain-sharing and first words soulmates, where the first words said Directly to a person by their soul mate is written on them and also they share pain. I imagine it's not uncommon for people - especially SOLDIER and/or Turks - to hide their soulmark, and in fact their uniforms are perfect for it if you go for a standard on the arm or really in most places on the body!

Yes, this does mean Cloud's young life was a nightmare thank you for asking (joking). Cloud wanted to become a soldier to become a hero, but also to travel and meet people... he didn't put a lot of stock in his soulmate, though he gets relatively unique words on him ("have you ever tried ginger for it?") so he's sure he'll Know when the time comes.

Sephiroth, on the other hand, barely noticed his soulmates pains, so assumes His must be a civvie tucked away somewhere, and due to the incredibly generic statement figures he'll never find out who they are ("no sir"). This changes, sort of, when Cloud and Zack are in the helicopter crash, but he kind of assumes it's zack. (he can't remember the first thing Zack said to him, but it wouldn't have shocked him if it was a no sir of some kind, honestly.) He doesn't say anything. They're good friends, their lives are on the line every day, there's no reason for him to ask for more.

Cloud finds out on the transport to nibelheim that it's sephiroth. Cloud, entrenched in his inferiority complex and the fact that they're literally on a mission keeps it to himself.

The moment Sephiroth realizes he was wrong about who his soulmate is the moment he impales Cloud on masamune during the massacre.

Canon ensues anyway, it's too late for the trajectory to change, after all.

But post canon, after AC, after DoC, Sephiroth returns, again. The future is unwritten for them - but what can they possibly cultivate in fields that have been flooded with blood over and over?

Oh. And this snippet you can have it too

Tifa, very upset and frustrated along the lines of “you can’t possibly forgive him- you can’t possibly expect us to forgive him! He killed so many people! He killed my soul mate right in front of you!” And Cloud is just. so tired. Before that there was a line - I wish I’d made notes but I was literally in bed asldx;kfj anyway a line about “I’m not asking you to forgive him. I’m just saying. I’m tired. And he isn’t doing anything wrong.” But anyway he just kind of sighs and “And I did nothing to stop it. I know, I was there.” “This isn’t about that-” “Of course it is!” “....I mean maybe I’m a little worried he’s influencing you again-”

[dennisboobs]

i know peace bc ive never used twitter it seems like ur torturing urself a bit

yeah. but honestly if i can make like. one person stop fucking harassing glenn i'll take it. idgaf about these idiots qrting me trying to make fun of me, i don't want them anywhere near my twt (free blocklist) and they'll forget about it in an hour anyway. but some people have seemingly genuinely thought about it and agreed after a little pushback. it's mostly a bunch of teens who want to be edgy or think glenn has no feelings because he's a C list celebrity with a nice house. i don't think many people bother trying to push back against the accepted culture over there and most of them seemingly don't even think about it. i don't know why but twitter culture just. expects you to be incredibly fucking rude to celebrities on principle even if you like them. and this is. encouraged. and applauded. i think its disgusting, and ive been on the receiving end of parasocial relationships that had people getting overly invested in me and my friend, completely fucking obliterated any boundaries and speculated about our genders/sexuality/relationship so its. kind of personal. i hate to see it and i can empathize with glenn to a degree. especially when like. you compare other clips of him at cons or even on the podcast where he's WAY more reserved talking too deeply abt queer shit vs those encounters with fans, the guy was having the time of his fucking life with a bunch of superfans who let him know how much they care about his work. i really, really wish that we were on our best behaviour and a bunch of fucking 15 yr olds who have never been called a slur a day in their life and don't know the weight of their words weren't creating a hostile space for both sunnytwt and for glenn. why do you, as a fan, not want to be able to interact respectfully with someone you admire? why do you not want to treat him as a human being? like there's a difference between deifying a celeb vs being fucking respectful. it's not like this is elon musk it's fuckin. glenn. like he is so. just a guy. treat him like one. i can't help but feel bad when 90% of what he sees from fans are people in the comments of his posts bullying him. like why would you not want this man to know how insane he makes you on a daily basis. why are you so afraid of expressing genuine emotion that you have to harass him. bc its cringe to say you like sunny? that's the extent of his fucking interactions with fans. of course he's stoked to talk to fans who have actual love for the show. he probably never fucking sees it. and you know. its frustrating to see people who were THERE. interacting with him in person. now doing this shit. my own mutuals were doing that shit. i follow like 6 people on sunnytwt. its just. accepted. idk. i don't know how to phrase this in a way that makes sense but if you enjoy glenn's interactions with the fandom so much maybe dont fucking push him away. if there are a bunch of ppl qrting his old tweets with what seems like actual literal hate. idk. id start deleting if i were him. like there are just zero fucking boundaries and it makes me mad. why would you do this shit when you could take advantage of him being accessible and tell him how much sunny + dennis means to you instead.

[penumbrialhexandroga]

I put this in a discord chat im in but i wanted to put it here too. Today i got diagnosed by my therapist with c-ptsd.

Hhhh today is a day of surthriving. Had therapy this morning and was rough, but i was able to communicate some of my frustrations well. Got some clarification on stuff. Like he said forget about any of the schizophrenia stuff, i dont have it, so thats a relief. He said for a clinical dx i do have CPTSD. And that my episode that id had before when i started seeing him was a dissocaitive episode. So it was nice to get clarification on that i was thinking it was like a psychotic or manic or something but dissociative makes sense with what all went on. Ugh gah but then talked with a real young part and stuff coming up and just ugh fuck i hate. People. Just very heavy. Having things validated. But im so grateful for the coping mechanisms ive developed. Hhhhhhh fuck its just hard. Heavy heavy heavy. Just trying so hard to keep every thing contained so i can get through work. Thank god for Work Mode 🙏. Id been dxed with ptsd already but i did suspect it was cptsd but man having that validated by a therapist ugh i just feel like ive been taking punches and punching brick walls >.< idk i just wanted to express this all somewhere. "Put it out there"

Thats what i put in the chat earlier.

Idk i wanted to write about it i guess. He was saying too how like a diagnosis yknow its fluid it can change. Which im fully on board with i know it can only really be a snapshot of your current whatever experiences. But one thing i really appreciate about getting that dx and that validation and assurance is that it supplies me the language to tell my story. I realized that that was one issue that i had with how generally non-pathologizing my therapist is. Its also something i appreciate about him though, but i just felt like i couldnt really. Like not even tell my story but know my story. I felt lost and confused and uncertain about what my experience was and how i fit in with the world and people around me.

Who really am i? What defines me as an individual? It helps me answer these questions more fully. Not to say my diagnoses are all that i am or can capture the complexity of me as a being.

Its incredibly validating to do this work. I feel alive and autonomous in a way i never really have before. Some of the parts i work with are so so young. If i wasnt doing this work with a therapist i dont think i would really be able to do it. So im very grateful for my circumstances that allow me that. Although i can tell my therapist wants to do more frequent sessions, but it is expensive and insurance sucks so. Idk. Is what it is.

Ugh but this work also fucking sucks and makes things so so hard. But i know im better for it. Gahhahahshbsgdgdgdhd.

Oh man im also really glad too he labeled what that episode was. I was thinking it was a psychotic or manic and maybe i had bipolar, bc some of my family has been dxed with that. But no he said it was CPTSD. and a dissociative episode. Which man even just writing that out again its just. I cant even really identify how it makes me feel its just this kinda hmmm pressure?? Electrical flux? Along the back of my head.

Im grateful for being able to communicate better with my parts too. I was able to get across some things today that i havent been able to for a while and im glad things went well, even if it got tough. Really friggin tough. I know im moving in the right direction.

Id already been diagnosed with ptsd but that was through my psych who specialized in autism and idk it didnt really sink in. Its different now getting diagnosed by someone who knows me very well, ive been seeing him for like over two years now, so i have a lot of trust in his oppinion. But gosh so many raw nerves. Plus its c -ptsd which like, doesnt mean its worse than ptsd or anything lol some people seem to think that but thats more what i was suspecting. It just made more sense to me than standard ptsd with all the dissociation. But i feel really validated and seen and heard and hmm self assured even! Which is so rare for me. I feel like there was a lot of movement and change today. So this post is really just to commemorate it all. Getting diagnosed with cptsd tho, for me its very different than it was getting diagnosed with autism. Maybe thats because of meeting with that part right after tho :/

[imperial-agent]

Thank you for such a detailed response, I agree with you wholeheartly. But yes, I romanced Astarion, finished his questline, he enthusiastically consented to the 5some, dissociated and my character still had no way to comfort him or stop the whole thing, I do think it makes sense that he still dissociates, healing isnt linear, hes still learning his bounderies, the drow twins are strangers, its a great premise for a development scene, hell, maybe Halsin could have helped him! I understand the frustration of him being given so mucn content while others were put to the side, Im an Astarion fan but I'll be honest, kinda wanted the party to be more of huge found family and the discrepancy makes me mad. Especially with Halsin, too. I just reloaded the save and chose to save 1K gold

I don't mean to sound mean to Astarion's fans and sorry if I come off as that. I'm not mad at how much attention he got (it's not his fault he got prioritized). Just wish more characters got the same treatment. So I'm only ever truly upset at the project managers (and investors) because everyone can see, clear as day, that development time was mismanaged and the project was in complete chaos.

I assumed you didn't romance him, but now seeing that you did, my only question to you is WHERE IS YOUR HEART?? How could you drag his sorry ass to that brothel NOOO!!! (i also did the same, although i didnt romance him then 😬) He's been through so much, he's so insecure about intimacy and if he actually likes it or not, thus I'm not shocked he was out of it even when romanced. My guy hates his life back with Cazador, the one filled with seduction and multiple partners so it's good to be considerate in this situation and not coerce him to relive it again. Also SAME. I reloaded IMMEDIATELY not only for Astarion's sake but also bc i hated the trauma dump from Halsin after it. I concider it a non canon conversation till they rewrite it to come up more naturally because jesus christ💀

Absolutely agree, Halsin and Astarion could have been incredibly supportive besties and could bond over their similar experiences. I'm assuming Astarion could even become very protective of Halsin (similarly to how he's protective of Durge, another victim that isnt in control of their life because of some powerful people in this world). Perhaps Astarion seeing how deflective Halsin is when talking about his abuse and that changing how Astarion approaches dealing with his ouwn trauma. And vice versa, Halsin seeing how cathartic talking about what you went through can be (like Astarion does with his personal quest) and opening up a thanks to Asta.

[adhbabey]

here's some autism traits of mine that aren't symptoms, but they're things that are autism and im choosing to unmask n share this with you all.

biting. just i want bite fingers. i crave to put them in my mouth. i want to bite in general. i know its not socially acceptable to bite people, but i want to. i am a creacher and i cannote change that.

when i was like 14 i was really obsessed with random xd humor. I would say "ekop" instead of "poke", because its poke backwards. And I had this one friend I'd constantly do this with. like "rawr" and "cupcakez!1!1!". We were truly scene.

Speaking incredibly eloquently, as one alter put it, "Human language does not account for all the nuances that I wish to share, so I am using the language to its full extent, detailing every complicated sentence that I can muster. I wish to share my full thoughts and experiences, but it unfortunately does not do what I want to convey in justice. So I must settle for the english language for now." Some of our alters can't really speak because of that, and its difficult for them to communicate outside of visuals and vague feelings. It's really either hyperverbal or no verbality for us.

every fucking alter being some brand of autism. Tsuki is ace and hates to put a label on things, the only concrete feeling she has is anger. Rai can barely speak/communicate, they are very observant and quiet, and they feel the most disconnected from others being the host. Kaori is literally the most autistic creature you could ever come across, they are just literally what you think of, they love all the "cringe" culture type stuff and adore being nonbinary. etc etc. Like, how did I not realize when all of us are some brand of autism?

Feeling like an outsider my entire fucking life. Even when I related to others, I always felt separate from the rest of society, and I must sacrifice everything in order to be loved. This has been connected to spiritual beliefs of mine.

Another thing connected to spiritual beliefs of mine, feeling like I truly cannot see the world, as if I have a film over my eyes. The reason for my self entrapment is a "curse" that a "film" over my eyes exists and I never fully can break free from. I realize that the "film" is masking and my truly unique way of seeing the world is my autism, and I've had to move through the world not letting myself "see" truly.

alice in wonderland, coraline, fran bow, all characters I relate to are young and unique girls that move through a world that is crazy and full of madness. Something I find myself deeply relating to.

feeling misunderstood all the fucking time. even if i try to explain my feelings or thoughts, I'm constantly put on a high standard that I have not been able to achieve. I don't know how to change people's minds as I speak with genuine intent besides rather obvious displays of frustration, anger or sarcasm. I was also the person who thought others were always genuine, and rarely questioned one's intention behind what they said. This trait of mine has led me to become gaslit by a few harmful people in my life.

my disorders all linked together, makes for a bad time. this isnt an autism specific trait. i just. if i feel like an outsider (asd), and have trauma with being treated like an outsider (did), and get really upset with other people saying nasty things about me in regards to not being normal (adhd + rsd), im going to have a hard time and constantly blame myself for being an outsider (ocd) and im gonna hate myself (depression). so its just like. hey i found a piece to the puzzle, but i already know most of it. and thats just the egodystonic experience for me.

but hey, lets talk about more lighthearted stuff!! i love kandi!!!!! it jingle jingle and it has super pretty colours!! im afraid to stim but this is the shit for me. this is amazing.

i'd love to use word quirks and kaomojis a lot more!!! but unfortunately thats not the blog for this bc its not plaintext. but in my heart, thats what i want to do and who i want to be.

oh i remember the last one!! I read this somewhere, but apparently since a lot of autistic people struggle to communicate their needs, they'll do things that meet their needs somewhat, even if they don't know why they do it. For example, wearing hoodies and heavy clothes because they're touch starved and want to be hugged! And I really related to that!! I wear hoodies and lots of layers all the time, or like just wearing my day clothes, even if they're uncomfortable. So, I do that, not just because I'm cold, but I need the weight compressing me, and i've always been doing that since I was young. So I felt.

Not really being able to read big books until middle school. I know there's people who havent really talked until they were older, I remember not being able to comprehend big swaths of text until I was a teenager. maybe thats the audhd, but i feel like thats always been my sort of "i think this was my developmental milestones that i hit late". And yes, I was able to read quite a lot for my age, but it always felt like something that I hit late.

share your autism traits that aren't necessarily symptoms, or you can talk about the ones you relate to and I wrote. Sorry if this post is hard to read, I just wanted to talk about it. :0 so ya

[nukenai]

I'm so sorry to come back to you yelling about this as its a very unhappy topic but I have no one else that I know of who shares my opinion

ORVILLE PECK MY BELOVED, RODEO ISNT SEXY COME ON MAN, the duality of both knowing that rodeos were an incredibly gay and non-white space in a very cishet and white time (and the current queerness around them) AND that the horses were getting damn near tortured in those spaces. 😭😭😭

I completely relate bc I don't know anyone else who really talks about this topic. Please continue to vent to me about it if you need to! I don't mind at all!

I think it's a worthwhile discussion about the Cowboy aesthetic stuff in LGBTQ culture but I can just... sort of never get over how the commodification and severe abuse of animals is just ignored.

It's really frustrating for me in particular bc the barn I board my horses at is known as a barrel racing barn pretty much, and a lot of the people there are utterly gobsmacked when I tell them I don't like rodeos bc of how the animals are treated. And these are people who DON'T abuse their horses (tho some are very Not Great to them at the barn!!! Awesome!!!!)

It's just so ingrained in culture and animals like horses and cows are considered accessories bc they're categorized as livestock first and it's just. Concerning!

And full disclosure here I'm not a vegetarian, I think there is a huge difference between raising animals for food (people need to eat) and borderline torturing them exclusively for entertainment (you will not die if you don't go to a fucking rodeo).

Really my idea of a rodeo is that if I go there it would be entirely trump supporters who would call me slurs if they knew anything about me. """""Luckily""""""" I can like """""pass"""""" as """"acceptable""""" in most YEEHAW horse spaces bc I don't think I give off The Gay Vibes(tm) that much. Just a weirdo bc I wear shirts with robots on them and shit lol.

Like mannnn I just want to be able to talk about the severe abuse endured by horses in the US in industries like rodeos and racing without being written off as a "crazy PETA person" or some shit. Like just admit it's too inconvenient for you to evaluate shit you do solely for entertainment. There's a reason DOGFIGHTING isn't an #Aesthetic and horse abuse shouldn't be either.

And I will make a note here I had to Google who Orville Peck is please excuse me I'm very old and completely out of the loop on everything.

[unidentifiedfuckingthing]

if we like take as givens that 1. it is incredibly annoying for everyone when people act like they literally cant think for themselves and 2. it is something that you eventually do just have to suck up and get over or else it will not change. it does kind of sit wrong with me when people act like the only cause of that is entitlement or something and therefore you shouldnt give that kind of mindset any sympathy.

like, i think this just continually plays out with new things people dislike every once in a while and this is just the newest one but i think it does maybe deserve some like, investigation how a lot of young adults especially ones like raised on social media are afraid or unable to decide or research shit for themselves because i Do not think most people are doing this out of like malicious displays of laziness or anything, i think the cultural era we're in like Actually is creating a huge amount of pressure to be afraid of doing things for yourself or expressing opinions you can't prove came from someone else and idk if its fair to expect everyone to be like Immune To Propaganda especially 16 year olds who havent talked to real fucking people in going on 3 years. like i dont know how unique my personal experience with this is bc i grew up in a very anti-science anti-mainstream-thought culture that really disadvantaged me here as well as growing up kind of textbook autistic and obviously that also led to people trying to fucking break me until i acted like they did, and thats another whole thing. but i think beyond that the paranoia culture happening right now is INSANE and thats like, internal pressure not to wrongthink in public as well as more pressure from authority figures and you add that to young adults who dont fucking go outside and are only given opportunities to express themselves and absorb other peoples expression thru algorithmic bullshit what do you THINK is gonna happen man..... like not to say you CANT be frustrated by people like that because i am also frustrated by it but that kind of fear is DIFFICULT to escape from even if you want to and understand that it makes you look like a fool. like ive been there and am there and it really sucks dude. i dont have a call to action or something just like, pls stop acting like this is some display of entitlement wanting everything spoonfed to you, because i know a lot of it is just fear

[firelord-frowny]

i am so !!!!!!!!!!!HRJGHGFOGHSFLG SFS

not really lmao its not that serious but YES IT IS AND YES I AM but not really lmao

there's this... ~idea~ in the world of violin pedagogy that You Only Need Very Light Pressure To Make Notes Sound Good, and its

??????????? WRONG LMAO ITS WRONG ITS BULLSHIT AND IT'S BASICALLY THE! ONE! SINGLE! DETAIL! that sets Really Good violinists apart from World Class violinists.

and i get so frustrated because like... people will marvel over the clarity of Hilary Hahn's playing and James Ehnes' playing and basically every legendary soloist to have ever lived. like, there is an AUDIBLE difference between the clarity/purity of the tone quality when Hilary Hahn plays a passage of fast slurs, versus when, idk, joshua bell* or some other Average Player. In hahn's playing, you EXCLUSIVELY hear the pitch of the actual note. In a less refined player's playing, you'll hear brief lil high-pitched choppy noises interrupting the beginnings and endings of many notes.

AND THE REASON WHY HILARY HAHN DOES NOT HAVE THAT PROBLEM IS BECAUSE SHE'S USING! MORE! PRESSURE!

But people be like ~hur dur, if you use Too Much Pressure, you'll injure your joints/tendons~

YEAH THATS WHY YOU HAVE TO TRAIN FOR IT DUMMY!!!! if somebody who's not fit enough to run a marathon tries to run a marathon, they're gonna get hurt! but that doesn't mean running the marathon is inherently dangerous! it just means you have to fucking exercise to prepare for it!

IF YOU GRADUALLY CONDITION YOUR BODY TO MEET THE DEMANDS OF HIGH-LEVEL VIOLIN PLAYING, YOU WILL BE ABLE TO SUSTAIN PHYSICALLY DEMANDING TECHNIQUES WITHOUT INJURY!!!!!

and i'm especailly sfghdslfgdgfhdsh right now bc i was looking at a video of some dude (who really is a very good player and who really does have lots of useful advice) offering suggestions on how a player can figure out exactly how much pressure they need to use in order to get a good tone, and when he demonstrates his own ~optimum pressure~, he's like, "now if you listen carefully, you'll hear that i'm getting a pure tone out of all of these notes." and then he proceeds to get a tone that's NOT CLEAR AT ALL!!!! but he seems satisfied with it!!! and so do most of the people in the comments!!

which like, okay, yes, a LOT of very good players do exactly what he did, and nobody thinks they suck because of it, because they don't suck! they sound great!

but they don't win the fucking menuhin competition. they don't become legends. they don't sell out carnegie hall.

they're regular. they're the typical, very solid, very skilled Professional Violinist who can successfully audition for full time professional orchestras, and they can become professors at some decent music schools.

but they're not legends. and if you WANT to even TRY to be a legend, you have to be able to hold a candle to the Hilary Hahns of the world. you have to measure up. and even the teensiest, tiniest imperfection can and does keep otherwise gifted players from reaching the very highest levels of musicianship.

the average player's standard for what constitutes "pure tone" is just???? not high enough. not if they want to be phenomenal.

and i haaaaaaaaaaaate that when i talk about wanting to step my game up and try to eliminate as many tiny errors as possible, people always wanna assure me that it's not necessary, nobody really notices those details anyway.

?????????? THEN WHY AREN'T WE ALL SOLOING WITH THE BALTIMORE SYMPHONY, HMMMMM??? WHY DIDN'T WE ALL GET INTO JULIARD? HMMMMM??? WHY DON'T WE ALL HAVE RECORDING CONTRACTS WITH MAJOR CLASSICAL LABELS??? HMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM????

IT'S BECAUSE WE'RE NOT GOOD ENOUGH! AND WE'RE NOT GOOD ENOUGH BECAUSE WE'RE NOT MEETING THE STANDARDS THAT ARE SET BY THE GREATEST PLAYERS IN THE WORLD! YOU KNOW!!! THE ONES WHO LEAVE AUDIENCES GOBSMACKED BY THEIR INCREDIBLE PRECISION!!!!!

i know ill probably never reach that level but dammit imma try to get as close as i can anyway.

[nathank77]

9/10/24

11:33 a.m

Mike canceled go figure. I mean at least this time he didn't leave me sitting there for 30 minutes ignoring my text. I mean, he said he is sick. I'd believe him. I mean I know he has a chronic condition but I'm pretty sure he is trying to get rid of me. Its rather annoying tbh cause like I'll just talk and you get paid for it. I'm a talker. You don't have to talk much. Day dream for all I care cause I mean I don't expect therapists to care about me or any of their clients at this point.

I look at Elise as a human and Erin as a human. Things were weird between me and Elise bc there was something there and maybe one day she will personally be involved. And maybe one day she won't. As for Erin I have a long standing relationship with her and she's a good person and there isn't anything else there. So I believe that some therapist can be good people and care but generally I think it's about income and nothing more. So idk why Mike won't collect his income and just put up with me.

I guess now I have all day to decide if I should go to the E.R or wait until tomorrow. Idk.

I'm annoyed that it's been 3 weeks since I've had therapy and it's not my fault every new provider I try out dips out on me. I mean I know insurnace doesn't pay them much but if you're willing to see clients with my insurnace than why not see me? When I first told him about Erin losing her license the way he reacted was, "well then what are you going to do rely entirely on me? I mean", I don't remember the rest but it was very I don't want to see you more than once a week and I prob don't want to see you at all.

I'm trying to find another but it's hard, all the faces look familiar.... and most are young and at that younger than me. I know personality plays a role in attraction which is why dating apps are sucky cause it's just about looks. I bring this up bc 3 of my last therapists were attracted to me..... I don't see Elise as a therapist but she is a therapist and she was attracted to me it was obv.

Kristen eye fucked me that one session when she made deep eye contact for over 2 minutes until I broke it. We were both awkward around eachother in person and the elephant was in the room. She brought up mutual attraction like 3 times....

And then there is Danielle who admitted to transference and cut me loose.......

So yea that makes some therapists not want to work with me... no doubt. Danielle was single. Kristen was poly but she did work with me until I left. But she couldn't stand when I talked about not being attractive. It was obv from the moment she laid her head on the table over telehealth when I started talking about women not finding me attractive bc of my bald head. And the magical vacation she took right after that bringing it up after I complained about women not finding me attractive.

Anyways..... this is my issue. No one wants to work with me. I have something step up with an intake person but we all know she will fit me someone they will leave me and if Mike won't see me I'm fucked. Its frustrating. Very frustrating. Incredibly frustrating. They either find me attractive and won't work me with me..... Danielle is a prime example of that. The other two people are not they did work with me and didn't dip out bc of mutual attraction...

Or they idk are younger and don't feel experienced enough to work with me. Or they think I'm too complicated to get paid 50$ a hour to talk to me. It's frustrating.

[zumicho]

IM SO GLAD YOU LIKE LONG ASKS BC I DO TOO!!! LIKE AS A YAPPER I HAVE THINGS TO SAY AND I WILL SAY THEM 🔫🔫🔫 ANYWAYS!!!! LAST ASK OF THE DAY BEFORE I FINISH EATING AND RAWDOG TWO CHAPTERS OF CHEM NOTES AND THEN MORE I HOPE

ONE THING I NOTICED IS THAT IM ALWAYS EATINF WHILE SENDINF ASKS TO PEOPLE?? LIKE IM SENDING AN ASK TO NESS AND IM EATING LUNCH OR BREAKFAST OR SOMETHINF AND EVEN NOW!! IM EATING LUNCH🫢🫢🫢

anyways just remembered i have school on saturday i think i shall Cry BUT CONTINUING

about the movies!! at heart ive always been a marvel baby <- one of the reasons why i didnt branch out of anything really but i love love love marvel sm!! or i love the older movies.. new ones just dont hit the same

like last month i saw your ask title (underoos) and so i watched the clip from civil war and almost SOBBED the nostalgia omfg WHATS UR FAVOURITE MARVEL MOVIE btw!! mine is the winter soldier <333 or age of ultron or the original avengers OR RAGNAROK OR THE GUARDIANS I LOVE THE GUARDIANS SM ALL THEIR MOVIES R 10/10 ALWAYS as u can see i was like hardcore a fan <3 irs so embarrassing like i have marvel tshirts and a (broken) mjolnir keychain and a bunch of original comics and a thor funko and a loki badge pin thing (but i lost?? it?? i think????) AND I READ LIKE AT LEAST 500 COMIC ISSUES OVER 2020-2022 AND THE SHOWS WERE ALSO<3333 like me and my sister would watch them together ,, good times..

I WENT OFF ON SUCH A TANGENT WHAT THE HECK!!!! I WAS GOING TO SAY recently i watched american psycho and it was like,, cool i enjoyed it except for the smex and also my english teacher talking about health and giving us unnecessary unasked for therapy(?( bc i was actually watching it in (online) english class. ALSO I STARTED WTACHING MEAN GIRKS TODAY BC ONLINE CLASS AGAIN BUT THEN THE ENGLISH TEACHER GOT WEIRD SO I HAD TO LOCK IN TO SAVE THE CLASS (i succeeded)

MY BIRTHDAY IS MARCH 16TH IT'S PRETTY CLOSE TO URS AND MAYBE IM WEIRD FOR THIS BUT WHENEVER SOMEONE TELLS ME THEIR BDAY I (INVOLUNTARILY) CALCULATE THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN THEM IN A YEAR AND I MUST SAY ITS A VERY SATISFYING TIME DIFFERENCE (IM WEIRD!!!! I KNOW!!!!! math kid moment) ANYWAYS I SHOULD STOP USING ALL CAPS LIKE THIS and go study BYE <33

best of luck with chem and school !! more under the cut again lmao

the eating while sending asks is ipad kid behavior but don’t get me wrong that’s not an insult I’m right there with u .. call it multitasking or something I guess? ??

I’m gonna put the movie recs last because I will geek tf out and forget about everything else ,, MCU AAAAA YES I GREW UP ON THOSE MOVIES THEY HAVE MY HEART !!!! IM ALWAYS DOWN FOR A MARVEL RAMBLE ANY DAY ANY TIME !!! age of ultron is my fav avg film but my hyperfixation on spidey in general has me attached to nwh <3 ITS THE CAMEOS FOR ME + THE CINEMA EXPERIENCE WAS CRAZY 😭 andrew and tobey trigger nostalgia like nothing else .. underoos was a nod to my favorite dynamic in the mcu (peter & tony) <3333 i love how i said I’d talk movies last but I’m already typing all this out like a maniac ,, anyway

hemsworth was my first celebrity crush so i get the thor love 100%, tho i hated love and thunder with a passion ‼️ that movie — HARD flop. ragnarok was great

I can’t not mention wandavision the graphics were insane and there was so much wasted potential for it to just end like that :// I was so frustrated ugh .. I haven’t seen daredevil (though I want to), and shehulk looks terrible. got bored of tfatws

LOKI OH MY GOD LOKI WAS INCREDIBLE HELLO THE PLOT ?? I’m a sucker for plot twists and unpredictability cause I have good intuition (sounds like a positive, but not when you’re watching something) LOKI WAS SO GOOD THOUGH. this is where my movie recs start :)

if you liked loki, please please watch everywhere everything all at once.

if you liked mean girls, watch 10 things I hate about you, the breakfast club (<3), clueless, how to lose a guy in 10 days, pretty woman

for american psycho, watch the social network, fight club, x + pearl + maxxxine, kill bill, maybe .. pulp fiction? <- check the content warnings for each of these though !!!

my general recs are the grand budapest hotel, goodfellas, little women (2019), moonstruck, challengers, and juno !!

oh and this is incredibly random ,, I think you’d maybe like whiplash (2014) if you haven’t seen it — just based off of vibe

the best ones are bolded in red !! i know these are a lot sorry 😭😭😭😭😭 this is my happy topic and if u don’t give me the specific mood ur in I go crazy

AND MARCH 16 !!! GOT IT !!! <3 all my love

[orenjibot]

Haha. I was like mega flipping my shit over it on twit cause i’m still working stuff out in my brain but!

Turns out i might also be autistic. Like mild autism perhaps.

Like… i always thought it was just an adhd thing? But it would make sense if i have both cause there were a few things i couldnt explain about myself in very small ways with just my adhd in particular.

But it would make sense if it was autism cause it also explains why i would always analyze smth like i was picking it apart to understand it. It was never smth i just understood without words, i had to actively pick things apart to understand it? I thought i was curious but no it was because i couldnt understand how the world works so i WANTED to understand. I get incredibly frustrated when i cant understand smth at all. It makes no sense and it hurts me and angers me i dont get it. I get insanely angry! Like irrationally so!

In turn i realized how that thinking and putting things in to set categories and patterns in my head has caused me to misunderstand a lot of social situations too. Like its not too bad but i defs mistake ppl’s intentions and stuff bc the way they word things isnt clear to me (taking things literally/at face value).

I also realized this mindset has also influenced how i saw regular human things like bonds of any kind and how i expect ppl to treat me bc i thought these are normal things i took very literally. Like i only understood jokes as things ppl say to be funny and used in any other situations like directed @ me means u are making fun of me and DISRESPECTING me… when all they wanted to do was make a joke and be light hearted.

Idk if this counts as autism but i also misunderstood friendship like just vibing with each other isnt rly friendship cause to be friends u usually have to do more than that. This is largely driven by the fact i, personally, had to put in more work into friendships due to being horribly neurodivergent and not understanding how to talk to ppl too (being bullied was also a factor). A friendship to me is one where u have to understand me and not just me understanding you so anything else that isnt just that isnt rly a friendship to me so i approached every friendship like i have to understand how ppl worked in order to be friends with them. This is apparently NOT a normal thing people do. This can also be attributed to my adhd and is likely more cause it, but the fact i didn’t understand that friendship wasn’t so… give and take made me realize how much pressure i was putting on others to understand me, i just thought that was normal and like a given cause i do it, why can’t you? I took everyone not giving me that as a sign of either disrespect or disinterest and took it as “oh u want a shallow relationship with me”. Like i took friendship too seriously when i shouldnt have.

There were also gestures i took as negative and hostile, and triggering my RSD but also that it didnt adhere to what i understood what being friends was. I figured I was weird and oddly sensitive about interactions, but i did find it really really weird how it was very specific and particular gestures. I cant understand it so it is making me UNCOMFORTABLE; less like “man idgi” and more “this is making me feel so incredibly HURT and uncomfortable that i feel like crying”.. to the level of wanting to cut off ties or discarding them entirely.

It now made me reevaluate what happened between me and ann as well. Like, yeah, i DONT think what she did was nice or correct but the treatment i gave her was too drastic without explanation. I don’t feel the need to be her friend or approach her since she didnt try to approach me either (also blocked me at one point after i unblocked her so yah lol). She never said that i misunderstood her at all, i was the one always having to do that?? And i kinda didnt like that… and she was giving a lot of…. Yellow and a few red flags. Like it was hard to approach her to let Her Know she did smth wrong cause she always took it so dismissively/defensively too. If anything, i do think i should apologize to her for not realizing that a lot was because i didnt realize i was autistic, but sadly i don’t feel the need to wanna chat with her unless she does so first or the occasion comes up. I have always felt the need to apologize for her for that cause that was indeed my fault, but… Im also kinda petty and stubborn so i want her to actually apologize instead of like? Be a pussy lmao. Like I forgive her more for her response then, but i still didn’t like how she casually threw me aside for being direct. Like that was a HUGE deal for me cause my exfriend did that and acted like NOTHING happened. Like bro… i was very hurt man by you doing that even in a normal situation 😭

Anyways….

I took a few tests to rly be sure it is a mild thing and not some misreading. And they all came out mild/moderate… its like high but not definite severe. It is very close to it so im like.. well fuck.

I will go get a diagnosis at one point but realizing this made me just…. Realize so much things. Like it all just… clicked.

I feel like i should apologize to cam about that too.. just a whole bunch of things.