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Can you do bayverse optimus ?Tlk if you can.It can be whatever you want i love your scrumptious writing hehe also ignore this if you're uncomfortable!^_^
Raindrops
Summary: Optimus asks you a very important question.
A/N: Written after the happenings of TLK. 4K Words
Raindrops
....
Everyday since he met you, he’s asked himself the same question.
“Would you come with me?”
It was a question he had imagined the answer to. A resounding ‘no’.
Optimus didn’t see any reason why you would want to go with him to Cybertron. Leaving your friends, family and career behind. All the commodities Earth provided you will be gone the moment you decide to come with him.
And it’s not like he offers you a beautiful home. Cybertron was hostile, after the war it had become ruins. He dreamed many times of showing you his home in its golden age. You would have loved the museums, the theaters, the libraries, the arts. Would you have loved them as much you love your planet? Would it be enough for you to want to stay?
“It seems Earth and Cybertron’s destiny has always been intertwined,” the sun is setting. Optimus looks at his home planet, now on Earth’s orbit. “If that had been any other celestial object, it would probably cause catastrophic events. But it seems like Cybertron was made to not disturb Earth’s gravitational pull and magnetic fields.”
Your field wasn’t physics but you had basic knowledge on how things worked. Just like he expected you to do, you started to ask the real questions. Something he was trying to avoid as long as he could.
“But I wonder if that’s because Cybertron currently lacks a core … Maybe once we are able to restore it, Cybertron’s gravitational pull will be too strong and destroy Earth.”
You look at him but he seems lost in thought. You didn’t blame him, having his home planet back must be unbelievable. After so many years of war and lost friends, what he always wanted is right here.
“When that happens, we’ll have to send Cybertron back to its original place in the universe.”
You expected him to continue the conversation some way or another but it's as if he wasn’t listening or rather he did not want to. Maybe he is tired of everything and wishes to leave immediately. Probably not wanting to deal with humans anymore.
Sighing heavily, you turn around, the wind moving your hair. The smell of the grass was strong and so a new aroma. It was hard to describe. Metal but alive. It was probably Cybertron. It didn’t bother you but it was different.
Looking back at Optimus made you realize that maybe he wanted to be alone. It is a lot of process for today.
“Well, then I guess this is goodbye–”
And suddenly, a servo is in front of you. Stopping you from walking any further. You look back, only to find Optimus’ faceplate extremely close to you.
“I-I … My apologies, I don’t know what took over me.”
It’s like you triggered something in him with your words. But you weren’t sure what. Now he looks confused and lost. As if I wanted to say more but can’t or don't have the words. You wanted to guess but your mind made you believe stupid ideas. Ones in which you prefer to not indulge any longer. They will only cause you unnecessary pain.
“It’s alright, you must be emotional. That’s all.”
You wait for a few seconds in which you could see Optimus’ blue optics in all of their glory. They were beautiful as they were mysterious. So close that you could see the small circuitry and cables that make up his optics. Such intricacy that you find yourself lost in them.
And then … you are ashamed.
“I must go.”
You say as you look away, expecting him to move his servo but he doesn’t.
“I must go.”
You say again and this time you see the hesitancy in his faceplace.
He slowly removes his servo and distances himself from you. His optics looks away and then looks at you in a repetitive manner.
“Do you–”
“I–”
“Oh sorry, you go first–” You raise a hand, trying to get his attention only to be interrupted by the Prime.
“No, you go first.”
It was awkward. And the fact that it was that way made you wonder what went wrong. In what moment did things between the two of you become so uncomfortable? Was it just the sudden realization of final peace? Was it too unrealistic for the two of you to believe? What is it?
“Nothing, I was just wondering if there’s something you wanted to say before I leave?”
Optimus servo clutch into fits. He opens his intake but nothing would come out. It was strange to see him this way. So confused, so … innocent. As if he was a kid trying to ask for another piece of cake. Too shy to ask and yet you find these small moments to be a treasure.
“I was just wondering …”
He hesitates again. He closes his optics and lets out a heavy vent. Turning his entire body around, you are unable to see his faceplate.
“When the time comes … Will you …”
His voice becomes so low that you are unable to hear him.
“What?”
You ask him, confused by his sudden lack of confidence.
“Will you … me?”
He says again but the loud wind and low tone voice weren’t helping the situation.
“... What?”
You ask once again, your voice gets louder, showing your clear annoyance at being unable to hear him.
“Will you come to Cybetron with me?!”
Suddenly, he turns around, you can see his faceplate again.
It was that expression again. One that you had only seen a few times. That of pure distress. Worriness. Anxiety. You had seen it before. During that time you had been captured by a Decepticon, badly injured and bleeding. His troubled expression was the last thing you saw before going unconscious.
But now? What was that distressed look for? What was he so worried about?
“I, I–”
What were you nervous for? Why were you stuttering? Your cheeks are getting hotter and you can’t speak. You can’t manage words. The expression on his faceplate had left you stunned as your brain tried to understand the reasoning behind it.
The longer you take to answer, the more pain is evident on his faceplate. His eyebrows squish together and his optics tremble. His lips formed a thin line that slowly became an upside down smile. He is begging you to end his torment and yet you know you have to tell him the truth.
.
.
.
.
It’s quiet around the hangar.
A small base had been built near Stonehenge. It was the logical thing to do after Cybertron had appeared above the ancient pillars. Although the American Government wasn’t too pleased to make negotiations with the British to let them have a base in their land.
You weren’t even supposed to be here but due to all the commotion in the last days, they let you stay. As well, Optimus and the rest of the Autobots enjoyed your stay. No one asked you when you will leave nor ever mentioned that you were a bothered. So you decided to stay for a couple of days until things settle down.
And because your boss had asked you to stay and bring back the full story when you are done.
“Are we just going to pretend Prime is ok?”
“Not like we can do much either or.”
They probably didn’t see you. As they were too busy talking to each other, carrying a few boxes of what you thought to be Energon. Meanwhile, you were typing on your laptop behind some piles of metal. It’s not like you were hiding but you rather found yourself a place where you could not be bothered when you needed to concentrate.
“I still can’t believe (Y/N) said no … I thought the two of them had a strong bond.”
“Yes but everything she knows is here,” Bumblebee puts down his box as Hot Rod walks close by. “Besides, they were too different … things wouldn’t work out.”
“But does she even know that Optimus’s processor has identified her as his Conjunx?” Hot Rod also puts the Energon box down and sits on top of it. “Boss-Bot won’t be able to attach to anyone ever again … Isn’t that a bit cruel?”
“Cruel?” Bumblebee inquiries. “His Conjunx is someone who lives a fraction of our lives. The universe enjoys the game and the Primes are the pawns.”
“And they know how to play well.”
It started to rain. It wasn’t unusual for rain to come and go in England.
The bots look at it with amusement. This was unknown in Cybertron. It will take a long time before they can rebuild Cybertron and go back home but this will be one of the things they will miss the most.
“What is a Conjunx?”
You came out of your hiding spot, behind the bots and they quickly stumble in their steps as they look down on you.
“What are you doing there?!”
“What is a Conjunx?”
You ask again, not caring whether Hot Rod or Bumblebee looked like they just had seen a ghost.
“You don’t need to know that,” Bumblebee quickly starts to walk away while Hot Rod keeps looking back and forth. He looks hesitant but doesn’t speak, waiting for Bee’s next action.
“You said Optimus saw me as his Conjunx,” you don’t move but rather speak loud enough for him to hear.
“Yes but there’s no need–”
“She should know,” Hot Rod interrupts the talking yellow Mustang.
“Optimus wouldn’t want it,” Bumblebee stops walking and turns to look at his comrade and you. There is certain determination in your eyes, letting him know that you won’t stop pushing it until you find the answers you were looking for. You had always been known for that, probably something Optimus likes about you.
“Optimus will die of sadness if she doesn’t know.”
Bumblebee doesn't say a thing but just ex-vents heavily.
.
.
.
“Would you stay with me?”
That’s what you wanted to ask but you already knew the answer. A resounding ‘no’. There was nothing for him on Earth. Humanity had once betrayed him and now he is doubtful. Humanity will help rebuild Cybertron and after that the transformers will leave. It would be a selfish thing to ask him to stay. You can’t ask him to give up on everything he fought for. His home, his family and friends, everything was on Cybertron. And you just were a human who wanted him to stay.
It’s still raining.
But that doesn’t mean you’ll stop looking for him.
Although you can already feel yourself getting sick. Your hair is wet and your clothes damp.
It wasn’t unusual to rain in England but you hated how unpredictable the weather was. The wind was also strong but the base was already too far away to back away now. You had to find him.
Suddenly, a truck you immediately recognized makes his way towards you. The bot you were looking for appeared in front of you but he aggressively stops and opens his pilot door, signaling to go in.
You didn’t hesitate and jumped right in. Optimus closes the door and starts driving away as you are welcomed with warmness. Although you were cold and tired, you didn’t wait any longer.
“I was looking for–”
“Have you gone mad?” Optimus asks, his voice showing his clear annoyance. “ What are you doing in the rain without proper protection?”
“What? That doesn’t matter, I was–”
You wanted to start asking questions but you started to sneeze.
“How can I leave knowing you are this helpless?”
And after that, all previous questions left your mind.
“Excuse me? I can take care of myself.”
“Your actions tell me otherwise.”
You roll your eyes, maybe he had a point. Running in the rain to look for him was probably not the best of ideas. But you were not about to tell him that.
“And what about you?” you sneeze again although more softly this time as to not to prove his point any further. “Aren’t you too told to be outside without an umbrella, you could be getting rusty anytime now?”
Optimus didn’t say a word. Your words will resonate at the back of his processor. He can’t believe he ever thought you would say yes to coming to Cybertron with him. You were right, he was an old rusty robot. Too many scars, too many mistakes and injuries. He can’t provide you with anything. Not even a family.
And yet he is selfish.
And you sneeze again.
And again.
“Great, I think I am going to get sick.”
He hates that word. Cybertronians also get sick but rarely. But humans are different. According to his research and observations, humans tend to get sick often and tragically a lot of them die.
Optimus didn’t want to say a word, his pride told him to stay quiet. That you don’t need his concern, you do not wish it nor want it.
But you sneeze again.
“I’ll be taking you to the closest hospital,” he says as he makes a turn, heading for the closest road.
“I am not going to the hospital, it's just a cold–”
“You are going to the hospital and it's final,”His voice is demanding but you don’t care.
“No, I won’t–”
“Why won’t you take my feelings into consideration?!”
His inside trembles. You could feel how his engine gets louder. The air coming from his vents got warmer and for a moment you felt your heart race. Out of guilt for making the Prime lose composure.
“What if you die?” he asks again. “What would I do after you are gone?”
The more he talks, the more desperate he sounds. As if he was living the circumstances he speaks of.
“Have you thought what my life would be like without your presence?” you feel the seatbelt across your chest get tighter. “Do you really wish for me to be tormented for eternity.”
“This isn’t about me going to the hospital, is it?”
He doesn’t respond, his silence answers your question.
“Let me out Prime, I want to talk to you, face to faceplate.”
He drives off the road and takes you to a heavy section of a nearby forest. Raining still, the tall trees prevent the rain from fully touching the ground. But some drops still make it through. Not like you cared about getting wet, you already were but Optimus had other plans.
Opening the door and removing the seat belt, you jump out of his alt form. You watch him transform, a scene you will never be tired of. It's beautiful as it is scary, yet he is gentle. He knows it can be scary and he moves slower, softly as if not to scare you.
Optimus doesn’t mass shift but he tries to see you at an eye-level. It must be uncomfortable for him and before you ask him why he doesn’t size-down, you feel him move closer.
He puts one of his large servo on top of you, protecting you from any rain from touching you.
“I want you to be honest with me,” you say as your breath is agitated, your heart pumping against your chest. “I need to hear it from you.”
“What do you feel for me?”
Without you knowing, Optimus’ spark is also pulsating strongly against his chassis. He moves his optics away for a second, only for them to return to look at you.
“You are a valuable asset to the Autobot cause.”
“Is that all?”
“You are also an important comrade.”
You didn’t expect him to fully understand what you were asking. But you were hoping he could read your undertones.
“I am giving you one last chance,” you say, your hands turning into a fist. You weren’t the best at this either and if you were honest, you didn’t know what you were trying to achieve. “Is that all you feel for me?”
The Prime has always been known to be eloquent. Especially with words. But when it comes to you, he loses all sense of vocabulary. It didn’t use to be that way. There used to be a time when you meant nothing to him but a friend.
But you had never stopped looking for him. After the attacks in Chicago, even after Sam’s death, an occurrence in which he blamed himself, you never stopped looking for him
What is it? Why did you do it?
“Look at the rain … Can you count each drop that falls from the sky?”
Optimus moves his optics to look at his surroundings. The rain, the trees, the beauty of nature. It cannot compare to you.
“No, I can’t,” you respond quickly, your face full of wonder.
“Then, you are the rain,” he says. “And I am trying to count.”
He sees your hands soften. Your expression had become awkward, with now avoiding eyes and pink cheeks. He has this need to hold you but respects your anatomy.
“I can’t tell you how I feel because there are not enough words to describe it,” he calculates his words but he finds himself taking longer to answer. “I could recite you all of Cybertronian poetry and yet that doesn't feel enough for me.”
You keep looking at him and he looks away. Your eyes were too beautiful and it distracts him immensely.
“But if you were to ask me to count each star in the universe I would,” he lets his spark do the talking, finally subsiding the yearning it has been holding for a long time. “If you asked me to bring you a star, I would bring you a constellation.”
“This old rusted body belongs to you but if you ask me for my silence and distance, I won’t retaliate.”
“And if I asked you to stay with me, on Earth, would you do it?”
You know it was a selfish question. You didn’t want to make him choose between his world and you. But you just had to know if there was a small possibility, a small chance that the life you had with him could still be a possibility.
After the accidents in Chicago, you had looked for him, only to find him broken. Sam’s death had affected him greatly but in that grieve of losing loved ones, something sparked.
Three years. You had lived with him for three years, in an isolated cottage. Where he could have all the dandelions he wanted. Where he could care for animals and the two of you would look at the stars and try to count them. Each one of them.
“If that’s what you wish,” Optimus says. “I would stay by your side as long as you would have me.”
“I can’t,” you look away this time. “I won’t ask you to stay with me.”
“You have a duty to complete and Cybertron is your home,” there is more to it. More doubts than you are able to articulate. “When you asked me to go to Cybertron with you, I said no because I don’t think I am worthy to be on your side.”
“Have my actions made you feel this way?”
“You are Optimus Prime … I think anyone would feel unworthy,” you pause, thinking about the earlier events. “But today, Bumblebee and Hot Rod told me that you see me as your Conjunx.”
Optimus opens his intake only to close it. He looks side to side, trying to evade eye contact. One of the few times you can tell he is shy. But him acting in such a way has also made your body betray you. You wonder if he can tell just how nervous you are.
“Does that mean — You do?”
“You weren’t supposed to know,” his voice is delicate with an apologetic tone. As if you had just caught him stealing extra energon from the resource room. “Without noticing, my processor had one day started the Conjunx Ritus and as time passed, we both successfully completed the requirements.”
“And before I knew it, my Spark belonged to you.”
“But we are so different.”
“And yet here we are,” he makes a pause and he hears the rain. He tries to calm down before asking his next question, knowing that this will break his Spark. “Does my affection displease you?”
“No, no, I just–” you stumble with your words. “I don’t know what to say.”
“Is there a possibility that perhaps, in your heart, you reciprocate my sentiments?”
And you stay silent. Mostly because you don’t fully know what is going through your heart and the implications behind it. Can this even be possible? Are your feelings even real? Can he comprehend what your feelings are? Can this … Whatever it is, be real?
“Please end my torment,” his faceplate looks to be in distress, his optics yearning. Longing for something unknown to the both of you. “Your silence makes me have hope and I don’t want to suffer when you destroy my delusions.”
Gently, you walk towards him. You reach out a hand and touch his faceplate. Rubbing your soft skin against his cold metal. You watch his optics close, his engine gets louder just a bit but you hear him. As if your touch had saved him, healed him from whatever his processor agonized him with.
“You are cold,” you say as you put your forehead against his faceplate. “Until you get warm, I’ll stay with you.”
Optimus didn’t need to ask further. You didn’t have to say anything either. He just basks himself into this moment. Not knowing what the future holds but he doesn’t care as long as you are with him. This moment won’t last forever but he wants to think that one day it could be true.
A moment were he believed he could spend eternity counting the raindrops and stars in the sky with you.
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A/N: Sorry this took so long. I’ve seen all the Bayverse movies but TLK is a movie that is a bit hard for me to write about because I don’t understand it much lol. But I still hope you like this and that it's not too OOC?
It was fun to write this! So thank you so much for the request! :)
#optimus prime x reader#optimus x oc#optimus x reader#optimus prime#transformers optimus#orion pax x reader#transformers#transformers fanfiction#transformers fanart#orion pax#transformers tlk#bayverse#bayverse optimus prime#bayverse transformers#bayformers#autobots#optimus#optimus x yn#optimus x you#optimus x human#optimus prime x oc#optimus prime x you#optimus prime x human#optimus prime x yn#transformers oc#transformers x oc#transformers x reader#transformers x human#transformers x y/n
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ive listened to your music through a lot of different avenues (headphones/eardbus/phone speaker/speakers in general); every time i do i still am able to hear something new in the effects or sound effects i'd never heard before, despite binge listening a lot of the time
i just wanna say its genuinely incredible how many layers your tracks have 💜💜💜 how many layers do they usually have?? or does it vary a lot?
it varies quite a bit!
i'll show this but i'll clarify something:
this is the project file for creature city, as an example. it goes to 216 tracks. but you have to take this track count with a grain of salt. some tracks are dedicated entirely to a sound that plays for half a second and thats it sometimes fkhljsdf.
regardless, no matter what genre of music i'm doing, a lot of my philosophy with layering and depth comes from my experience with the IDM* and neurofunk music scenes, where there's an absurd amount of layers, focus on fluid section transitions, and shifting soundscapes that seldom stay the same. a lot of artists in that space that have changed me forever in that regards are Iglooghost, Copycatt, Mr. Bill, False Noise, Noisia, Amon Tobin, and Culprate.
tho to be honest it's sort of a compulsion?
because tbh i think one of my weaknesses as an artist is i tend to be really self conscious about simplicity and straightforwardness. a lot of the times i definitely feel that i create more complexity than necessary to compensate for the fact that i don't always write an idea to work simply first. what i mean by that is a lot of rlly great songs are not trillions of layers and ideas all at once but just a simple idea executed satisfyingly, and i have a hard time doing that much of the time. a lot of my work can come off overproduced and stuff as a result and it's something i'm working hard to learn better how to do. it's a weird concept, because you train so much as an artist to do more advanced and complex things, you lose sight of rawness and straightforwardness at some point. with something like creature city i think the complexity is warranted, but yeahh it's a thing i think about!
i think if a song sounds top tier and is only like 10-20 tracks, that's the LIFE man. i find it super hard to make my own work engaging with so few tracks, i wanna challenge myself to get to that level.
i bring all this up bc i've seen like ppl go on about how many tracks they have in their projects as like a flex and tbh it's not really a flex at all sdfkjlsdfjk.
one of my fav examples of this concept i'm talking about is stromae and his record "alor on danse".
youtube
vro makes a club classic using like a few tracks, a laptop, and the dinkiest midi keyboard i've ever seen in my life. to me that's a mastery that i do not have yet, and it's very important to me.
anyway just thought i'd write this <3
*IDM is a genre name I don't agree with, but just wrote it for posterity. I tend to call this genre of music "Progressive Electronic" or, as Aphex Twin has called it, "Brain Dance" music. we can have more discussion about the genre name of IDM at some point in the future.
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Should be doing work but would rather being doing anything else so here we are
WIP File Names:
Nothing's Wrong with Dale: 7. Scene 3 - Fight
Nothing's Wrong with Dale: 7. Scene 4 - Aftermath
Demonic Romance Nonsense: DSM- Bonus Tattoo
Sci-Fi Romantic Nonsense: Snapped Part 3
Demonic Romance Nonsense: Courtship Confusion - Part 1
Snippet from NWWD Fight:
“What is this?” Dale asks, his voice hard as he takes stock of the situation.
“Northridges simply enjoy asking after the obvious, do they not?” Clen asks. “This is a kidnapping, your lordship. If you don’t cooperate with us, your fiance and grandmother are forfeit.” His crossbow is back in his hands and aimed directly at you. Instantly you tense, ready to drop to your knees and out of range, except that would leave Grandmother a free target.
Keeping your dagger in your strong hand, you grope blindly on the desk for something to use as a shield, curing yourself for not thinking of such a thing earlier. As your fingers close around the ink mat, a sturdy leather mat to absorb any ink that might seep through when writing, your eyes meet Dale’s. You can almost see a cold certainty enter them before they slide back to Clen.
WIP Wednesday Game
It’s WIP Wednesday, time for a little accountability, sharing your work, and getting a kick in the pants.
Here’s how it works:
In a reblog (or new post w/ rules attached), post up to five (5) filenames of your WIPs; not titles, file names.
Post a snippet from one of them. Snippet must be words you wrote in the last 7 days. We’re posting progress here. If you haven’t made any, go make some and come back to post!
After you’ve posted, people can send you an ask with one of your file names. You must then write 3 sentences in that file. If the filename is one you can't share from (for example, an event fic), write 3 sentences on it anyway, and then 3 more on another to share.
That’s it! You can invite others to join in, or just post. If you tag me in your post, I will send you an ask request!
If you’re reading this, you’re invited!
If you see someone posting a WIP Wednesday Game snippet, send them an ask! Make them write.
Requested/Friend event mentions under the cut! If you'd like to be pinged next week, let me know!
friends @fiore-della-valle @redbirdblogs @greenbergsays @idkfandomwhatever @luckyspike @obaewankenope @mad-madam-m @sleepymccoy @eriquin @sosobriquet @qprstobin @spacebarrette @andavs @zainclaw @anonymousdandelion @flameraven @fractalgeometry / Requests @aparticularbandit @madnessfromthemountains @makeroftherunes @not-orpheus @1attheedge
#wip ask game#wip ask meme#wip game#story sneak peek#nothing's wrong with dale#snapped#don't shoot the messenger#courtship confusion#wips#so many it was hard to pick#i hav boring file names though#its important to me to be able to find things!#they're all in diff scrivener collections hence the long names#i post by scene for dale but they are organized into longer mini arcs#for my own use
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I think it's worth noting that NONE of the humans have names yet but the white cat? Her name is Jezebel. And her human man loves her very, very much. And always refers to her formally by name. Whether simply Jezebel, Lady Jezebel, Master Jezebel, etc. But his wife calls her Jez sometimes and he's like "I can't believe the most important women in my life are so close. I'm so lucky, honey. I love you both"
Also their eyes all have a sort of uniqueness to them! Even the top guy who has regular looking pupils has a lore behind it.
#my characters#this is pretty much the only thing i worked on while away LMAO#also is it important to point out how accidentally i peaked at the husbands design#cause i definitely knew i was doing +/- for the married couples eyes#but I only realized AFTER the fact that a cats slit pupils combined with the wifes - pupils#are basically what makes a + sign and that is super peak for me on accident#also is it worth noting at all to anyone but me that i had to fucking search the internet to find out if humans are able to eat cat treats#with no consequences to their body because i want this man to give his cat a treat and eat one himself like its gogurt#the answer is apparently yeah you CAN technically eat a creamy cat treat but its not a sufficient source of nutrients to ya#though thats only for some idk about all#long post#i forgot i should probably tag it that#sorry for dropping a singular fanart then this mess of incomplete oc'ing
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if we talking about pitt x star trek aos, then i raise you Mel=Vulcan/mayybe Spock, Langdon=Kirk (which was noted by several people in fandom already), Garcia=Bones
If we're specifically talking aos, hear me out...
(young) Robbie as Kirk
Langdon as Scotty
Mel as Chekov
Heather as Bones
Dana as Uhura
McKay as Sulu
and ✋STAY WITH ME✋
Mohan as Spock
#do you see the vision?#robbie isnt kirk cuz hes the leader its cuz i fully believe young robbie was a chaos being#its just the way hes never phased by anything its cuz hes actually chaotic at heart but now hes Tired#and frank! hes sardonic and intensely competent with a humour so bad only robbie finds it funny#very scotty and i feel he would suit the hands on engineering role well#mel is young and excited and scarily smart! shes so happy to be here! she can do zat!#we catch heather on a very bad (the worst) day in the show so its hard to tell#but given her reaction to the rats i feel she would give the appropriate levels of vexation about the Bad Space Things#dana and uhura... not formally in command but the ones who keep everything running#mckay i have no real reason except she loves her kid and also i believe shed be able to weild a katana#ok listen. just... hear me out ok i have good points#i knowwwwww mohan is very emotionally connected and so a vulcan character probably doesnt make sense but LISTEN#if spock functions at say 70% vulcan 30% human#mohan would function opposite at like 40% human 60% vulcan#there is this constant battle of knowing she needs to be able to separate emotion from logic and be able to sacrifice for the greater good#and all these concepts that the vulcan science academy drilled into her and her culture holds up as the most important thing#but there is this undeniable core of empathy that works at odds with her head#and makes her so in love with life/people *and* the science that makes it all possible#how stars form and burn and die#but also all the different stories that all these different races tell about the stars and how they all speak to this longing for answers#i hope this makes sense and does not offend anyone omg#the pitt#star trek
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having swap au thoughts. *slaps roof of claus* there's so much mental illness in this guy. im gonna blow up everyone in the room and then myself
#what if you felt unbearable guilt because your brother went missing in the two seconds you were separated#and you feel like there mustve been Something you couldve done to prevent it#if only you had stuck together. if only you hadnt let him tag along on your basically-a-suicide-mission in the first place#but none of those things happened so you go through three years blaming yourself#continuing to search for him because maybe hes still out there. and maybe exhausting yourself on an aimless search is a way you can atone#and then you're pulled into this big destiny adventure so your searching is put on the back burner#you're so busy doing important things and meeting new friends and there are points in your adventure where your heart feels lighter#and maybe you open up just a little about the crushing guilt you feel. and your new friends say it wasnt your fault#maybe you start accepting that your brother is really gone but you have to keep living your life#saving your brother was a far out dream but saving the world is something you have the power to do#so you try your best. so you dont fuck up this time#your guilt becomes the fuel keeping you going#and then at the end of your journey#you find out one of the biggest obstacles on your journey#the human chimera that you felt kinda horrified at and a little bad for even as you fought them#is your brother you've been mourning and agonizing over not being able to save#so um. The Guilt is even worse now#now he doesnt just feel responsible for his death. he Now feels responsible for him becoming this Creature Thing under porkys control#and in a lucas dies scenario. hoogh i cant imagine how claus would feel after that.......#however the thing that spurred this post was thinking about the lucas lives postgame scenario (it just got a bit out of hand lol) so.#your brother is alive and back home again and youre so unbelievably glad#but the guilt still creeps up every time you see how much hes Changed. physically and mentally#you had just started to accept the fact youd have to live without your brother but somehow having him back is almost just as painful#things cant just go back to how they were before. youll never be the exact same happy family as you used to be#its strange adjusting to having lucas back and its strange trying not to step on each others toes with their trauma#you cant help but be clingy because you couldnt bear it if he disappeared again under your watch#but nobody wants to be watched all the time especially when youre recovering from your brainwashed identity as an army commander#FUCK I REACHED THE TAG LIMIT I WANTED TO RAMBLE MORE AUGH. THEY MAKE ME SO ILL. i swear its not all angst theres some lightheartedness in it#mother 3 swap au#mothfics
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I just have to remind myself sometimes that no matter what anyone else says, the way a piece of media makes me feel and the positive impact it has had on my queer identity is valid, and that tearing myself apart thinking I have to defend it or questioning my own place within queer communities is not at all important when compared to the almost tangible sense of 'rightness' that piece of media helped me to feel about myself.
#just something i've been pondering the last few days#kind of like no matter how much people debate or i suppose theoretically deconstruct media featuring queer stories#the most important thing is how it makes a queer person feel#and I do think it is of course a good thing to ensure queer stories are executed with respect and authenticity#but there's this grey area in fandom spaces in which people may have found rep from a 'unreliable' source i suppose#or something which is queerbaiting- sherlock springs to mind for example yet if people have been able to explore and nurture their own#queerness through that media does that therefore mean their experience is invalid? i don't think so#and my worry is the more we focus on theory the less we focus on emotion and therefore the actual queer experience itself#and sure theory can inform the queer experience and ensure the media is a 'healthy' site of queer identity formation and identity aid#but at the same time scorning or being rude to those who have found certain media an aid is not the right approach to be taking#especially as queer experiences are so wide ranging that one person's idea of 'good' representation is someone's else's of 'bad'#and that unless a piece of media is clearly offensive in its portrayal of queer experience there has to be some benefit of doubt#I think we're still in a period of progression in media espc tv where queer creators are coming to the fore of their own stories#and we've got to 'live and let live' a little about where people are finding sights of queer validation and joy#and perhaps this a naive and simplistic way of thinking but i think queer people can either recognise when something isn't the best rep#but was helpful for them anyway and therefore in a way confer 'ownership' of the media to themselves in how they engage#or there is variety in queer experiences represented in media so that perhaps not everyone finds a 'site' of rep but that does not#therefore invalidate it or make it 'bad' representation#this is just my opinion and it'd be hypocritical for me to not now mention this is only formed from my own queer experience lol#so i'm not trying to tell anyone how to feel or anything just something i'm pondering
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Pen tests....
#i had a bit of a crisis when i realized my signature 01 prismacolor finepoint In Blue is. on its last legs it seems.#that alone wouldn't be so bad IF THEY WEREN'T IMPOSSIBLE??? TO FIND????? LIKE ANYWHERE?????? GOT SO SCARED AND UPSET ABOUT IT#i went on a whole ass journey about it. my sister came in clutch to save me. also gave me a few dif options to try!#and the smallest prisma in blue i could find was 03. insane. is this my fault somehow. did i use up the last ones on earth.....#LIKE. cannot stress enough how much Blue Ink is important to me. i have never been able to make solid black ink Work in my art.#LIKE... only exceptions being a black and white piece. but as soon as i add color it just does NOT work...#it is. such a specific thing. that combined w the fact that i purposely Have to draw small scale or i get lost in the sauce forever#i really am. the epitome of new type of guy just dropped. guy who only inks in blue and needs to draw as small as humanly possible.#i feel like with time i can get used to the 03s though!!! and i have. multiple of them. all the blue 03s in the world are MINE now 😤#hopefully. this will last me a lifetime.#moe tag#thank you moe for being a very easy model to work with. unlike Somebody Else who has Stupid Hair....#my art
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kieran is my little guy. my boy my son. maybe i Am rotating an au in my head where hes the datv protag. maybe he enters into a romance with lucanis. like father like son (his dad being m!amell who romanced zevran.) plus itd be. so fucking funny
#this is already building off the back of Another au in which occaisonally after kieran reached like. age 5 morrigan lets zev and hiram#(<- hiram amell for further clarification)#look after him sometimes. i imagine it takes a while for her to not be a helicopter parent about it but hiram is patient and honestly never#expected to be able to be present in kierans life at all. and he doesnt know how to be a dad but he tries his damndest#i think zev might be a little awkward about it at first but soon enough kieran is a son to him as well#also kieran saying Weird Shit and hiram taking a moment to wonder if thats an old-god-soul thing or a morrigans-son thing#(as if he isnt also Weird. lmao)#anyway imagine kieran not mentioning his fathers especially when he hears lucanis talking about house arainai and then through some means#the gang (probably being luc and harding) ends up in the area kieran knows his fathers are and kierans like. hm.#its messy but you KNOW the jokes about being just like his father and the apple not landing far from the tree would come out#bc its just too perfect. male mage at the age of 20 finds an assassin (who is also a guy) and falls in love#i honestly think theres a million ways that first meeting could go#also i havent gotten to the part in the game where solas actually says this so i dont know hows its actually worded but like.#while being vague. the revelation abt the archdemons. like what does it meannn for kieran.#still unsure if what was taken from him was like. an actual soul???? and if so were there two souls in him or just the one?#what would it mean to BE soulless?? would it only matter once you die? and why was it so important to mythal to have it in her grasp?#anyway.#dont mind me im just here playing with my touys
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Ohh im obssesed
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#uprooted#uprooted naomi novik#solya#marek#my main playlists dedicated to them :]#idk why they cought my attention in 2018 and since that year they have had a special place in my heart. sometimes throughout my day-#i realise im obssesed with them and they're not just some random characters i like. ive dedicated a lot of time on them#i wonder how my interest in them will be when i get older. i certainly know that i will miss them if i stop thinking about them#you could say they have seen me grow. i knew them BEFORE quarantine. they were with me DURING. and AFTER#they have been through so many phases of my life. its so strange.#they changed so much too...except Marek. he still looks the same I imagined him in 2018. solya is definitely different tho#but i do think i have a different more in depth understanding of both characters#even if the words i read in 2018 are still the same now that i look back at the book. they were so many things unsaid but if u looked-#closely you could understand them. solya and marek as individual characters have so much depth...even if its not explicitly said#or maybe its just me reading between the lines too much. i wish i just knew more about them. this is getting so long-#but I got a bit nostalgic. is crazy how i was just a child and somehow even tho solya was just the total opposite of the type of characters-#i like there was something in him. something that made me look at him. and i think thats actually so in character of him#i think that in the book even if someone didnt like him. it was still hard to look away because he stood out from the rest.#there was definitely something about him that attracted people. or else how would have he gotten so far in his schemes?#I may be overanalyzing it. but i love the Falcon so much. and i do like marek a lot as a character. i find him very interesting. i know he-#did bad. terrible. things i like him as a character. not as a person.#i wish i could have seen what was going on in that damaged mind of his...#analyzing his behavior its so entertaining to me. i love making up scenarios where he is at his worst. im not gonna lie#marek suffering and then finding comfort in not comforting things is one of my favorite headcanons.#his obssesion with his mother is also a very important part of his character (ofc) and i love imagine him doing things related to that#thinking about the ways their personalities connect and make them have a very toxic bond keeps me up at night..they made each other worst#and we actually never see that in depth in the book. everything is so subtle but my crazy brain can find the signs in any part#i will stop this rant here. i feel its so long and if i made any spelling mistake i apologise to my future self (probably my self from-#tomorrow) because i know i won't be able to fix the misspelling and that will stress me SO MUCH.#future self please dont stress about it. just be happy. and enjoy thinking about these insane characters
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im feeling a little bit peeved regarding the fact I havent been able to find this one book i want in about any bookstore ive been in for around 2 or so years. and you might be thinking. "oh it must be a foreign book," or "you could just order it online," and to that id say. WRONG AND JUST NOT POSSIBLE😭😭!!!!
the thing that makes me not finding it at any bookstore terrible is that this is not a foreign book— not in a different language, not from a different country— NO, ITS A PANAMENIAN BOOK!!! aka... THE COUNTRY IM LIVING IN!!!! AND I CANNOT FIND IT ANYYYWHEREEE!!!!
and it simply does not appear to be sold online so im starting to think I am cooked 😓 for a book that was one of the best sellers in the country 15 years ago it sure has become invisible
#i talk!!!#and it aint like time gon reveal it to me... its from 2008 as time goes by i think it'll just get harder to find if its even being sold now#i find it strange considering how important panamenian literature has been to our culture and the emphasis on it#how come one of its best sellers from years ago has gone missing...#its even stranger because it touches on deeply saddening subjects and moving on in life. EXACTLY THE TOPICS PANAMENIAN LITERATURE EATS UP#has the culture around panamenian literature changed so much i cant even find it anymore ... i just dont know what to do 😓#AND YOU MAY ASK WELL MICHAEL WHAT IS THE IMPORTANCE OF THIS BOOK#you dont have it why are you so hellbent on finding it anywhere you go#answer to that is i have read it. 7 years ago when my teacher found out i enjoyed reading and let me borrow it to read#i didnt really grasp what was going on but it was very comforting... AND NOWADAYS IM WELL AWARE IT HAD HAPPENED TO ME????#THAT BOOK WAS ME. THAT BOOK WAS ME ?!?!?!#so now im hellbent on being able to read that book again i know if i read it nowadays it'll make me cry like a baby#back then i used to see things like that and not bat an eye even if they happened to me because i didnt see it that way#i was convinced it wasnt a painful lonely traumatic thing so of course it isnt the same thing i thought NOW I KNOW IT IS#OF COURSE THAT BOOK WAS COMFORTING IT WAS LITERALLY ME UGJRHJ#I MUST FIND IT somehow .... somehow 😭
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one day when i am not busy dying on the inside and out i will write an honest-to-god essay about how people are, for the lack of a better descriptor but simultaneously for the lack of a more perfect one, too edgy about five.
#like yeah five is an edgy game and the darkest in the series and gloomier than all of its predecessors but. i lack the words for it now but#there are important little moments in five where light shines through the carpet haphazardly thrown over a pile of garbage that oft get#ignored in favor of pushing the agenda that everyone in five is filth down to the core and that's just not true#i just- deeeeeeep sigh. people are so shallow sometimes man#this is how we get those characters that do not resemble the original in the slightest that either take one trait of the given character an#then bloat and exagerrate it until the character is a caricature of themselves OR projections of what the people would like these character#to BE in order to... be able to wrap their heads around them and their motivations more easily‚ i guess??#i don't know it feels to me like people just don't want to bother with the intricacies of complex characters and that's how the wood plank#versions of characters get created and then passed around ad infinitum#sweet grouchy baby boy who never did anything wrong ever. man who is either an innocent little big guy or satan himself. guy who is#objectively one of the most flawed individuals in the series being worshipped as a hero (griffith syndrome). guy who is either depicted as#an obnoxious playboy who only cares about getting laid and having as much skin exposed as possible at all times or the most vile man on#planet earth while being neither. the fucking. masochist cyborg thing. i'm gonna explode#oh and if you point out that there needs to be depth to any analysis of these characters if you are to do them justice you end up with a#gaggle of people saying oh yeah of course everyone in here is awful and they all have pig hearts#and i'm just wondering why this is the default conclusion most come to and not‚ you know‚ the thought that complexity does not inherently#imply rottenness but rather that even in the most horrible of situations you can find something good#i'm not the happiest or the most fortunate of individuals but i still refuse to believe in the idea of inherent evil that's being sold for#cheaper than a copy paper pack these days#but that has nothing to do with this my point is if you're trying to do media analysis you've got to look beyond... i don't have a word for#this... i guess you could call them fanmade stereotypes? no that's not it‚ my point is that people need to open their eyes to how complex#motivations and circumstances and human connection are and face that complexity head on instead of rubbing the story with sandpaper until#it's satisfiable to them#logs
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rly cool my wordpress articles have been blocked from google search indexing n im actually upset abt it bc they r things important to me
also im kinda anxious cuz i feel like im in trouble?
#when i wrote the original dndn thread on twt it got me shadowbanned n got removed frm search too#the thing i wrote today is a very important social issue to me n im disappointed tht im not able to advocate thru writing easily now#im disappointed that nobody will ever find my hard work#its not fair cuz im within my first ammendment rights its serious#why me when im so careful and responsible n i try so hard to follow rules w everything i write and things tht r actually#possibly objectionable and much less careful than me can just exist but it always happens to me im always the one that gets in trouble
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And if you are not able, or having trouble, here's a quick list of help:
How to confirm you are registered to vote in the US (includes state-by-state info for confirming, and how to register if you're not): https://vote.gov -- this is the OFFICIAL voting site. Don't use third-party resources for voter registration if you can avoid it.
ACLU's voting guide (includes steps for what to do if you are removed from voter rolls or are denied the right to vote at the polls): https://www.aclu.org/know-your-rights/voting-rights
If you are worried about having issues on election day, save the appropriate number for the ACLU Election Protection Hotline:
English: 1-866-OUR-VOTE / 1-866-687-8683
Spanish: 1-888-VE-Y-VOTA / 1-888-839-8682
Arabic: 1-844-YALLA-US / 1-844-925-5287
For Bengali, Cantonese, Hindi, Urdu, Korean, Mandarin, Tagalog, or Vietnamese: 1-888-274-8683
They staff that line any time elections are happening and will help you find your polling place, overcome issues if your right is challenged, and in general help you vote in real-time.
Resources for Voters with Disabilities: https://www.eac.gov/voter_resources/resources_for_voters_with_disabilities.aspx
the current electoral system is an unfairly weighted corrupt mess that will not save us, but
abstaining from voting does nothing to destabilize or replace it
participation can reduce harm and be strategically applied to your larger more revolutionary goals
(plus following electoral politics just keeps you aware of what specifically to expect from The Powers you oppose)
there is no materially revolutionary argument against voting if you are at all able.
#Also please know that I have been a poll worker and voting rights are VERY important to me#i may not be able to help you personally#but if you have questions about things like 'hi I'm trans and i changed my name how do I get my voter registration sorted'#or I have a relative that speaks [language] how can they vote#or my favorite 'my polling place says its accessible but the main door is locked and the side door has five steps to get to it'#ask me anything and I will find you a reputable resource to help out
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.
#hi sorry to ventpost on the poetry blog again#but i gotta write this out so i can get my brain to SHUT UP and maybe sleep. anyway.#its just so interesting because like. i fear there is something wrong with me. i fear i am in fact fucked up for no good reason#smth smth imposter syndrome except im the actual imposter#and like. the issue i keep coming back to right. there are two options.#either this is just The Way That I Am or it's some chemical imbalance in my brain that i inherited#so either i have to do work to change as an actual person or do work to find myself treatment#because again. no one is coming to save me. there is no miracle cure i can take to be a different person.#and the thing about me. i had changing. i hate doing work. i dont want to do any of that.#tbh the problem right now is i dont really want to do anything except read and sleep and stare at the wall so you know. par for the course.#but even under the best of circumstances im just. a lazy person. i dont want to do things and i dont.#and re: there are two options right. like fundamentally it doesn't matter because this is still something i am. who cares if its my fault.#i still have to deal with that. i still might just fucking torpedo my career and my life and every opportunity ive ever been given#because i simply can't be bothered. because i would rather waste my money and my time just fucking rotting.#and what gets to me the most is the opportunity part too. i am SO FUCKING LUCKY to have the people and the life and the resources i do#and yet im still like this#if it was just a question of me i think i'd be able to bear it#but thinking about all the people who took a chance on me and believe in me and like me for some fucking reason is crushing#and admitting i cant get it together would be letting them all down#but keeping on like this still feels horrible bc im similarly letting them down by lying and allowing them to believe im a good person#I KNOW THIS SOUNDS DRAMATIC but do keep in mind i am in fact actively lying and hiding and making up excuses. i promise there are fr issues#and like i know the important ppl will stay regardless but thats almost worse somehow?#im just so scared of going from a loved-because to a loved-despite#even though i think that's the best kind. but Its Different When Its Me because obviously it is#if it turns out i just need to switch meds im gonna feel so fucking stupid in a week#except this has been a reoccurring theme for much longer than that so. re: i fear this is just the way i am. sigh#okay enough this isnt doing shit time to pass out woooo#to delete
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Being Price’s lil wife
-Task force 141 knew Price was married. Man wore his ring religiously, always putting it back on the second they were in the helicopter/plane/whatever after each mission
-He’d come to work with a lunch packed with a cute lil heart note
-To be honest they all assumed you were the same age as Price (old) He always said he’d been “married for years” (3)
-They never knew your name, Price only ever referred to you as The Missus
-Gaz swore Price had a photo of you in his wallet (he did) but they never knew what you looked like untilllllllll
-You called your husband simply to complain. The AC had gone out and the repair man wouldn't be able to get there for a couple days. No no this simply would not do, his perfect lil lady could not be uncomfortable in her own home he wouldn’t have it but fuck he’s out of the country for a few more days. His team however is not and while stupid, they do know how to do maintenance work (why? Just because.)
-He called his team for a very important mission. Gave them the address, accompanied with “I don’t want to hear a fucking thing about you causing any trouble or being disrespectful to the Missus you hear?” The boys were absolutely giddy to finally see the ever so important Missus.
-The second you opened the door Soap was apologizing for having the wrong house and oh so politely asked if you knew where the Price household was. This had to be the wrong one because there you stood, pretty young thing, big doe eyes. Standing in just a big shirt ending at the very tops of your thighs, lashes batting at the three soldiers standing at your door.
-“You’ve got the right place. John told me you were coming, please come in.” You had to hold in a giggle, watching all of their eyes go wide. Gaz immediately looking at the sky, the floor, anywhere but the wife of his captain that he was just undressing with his eyes.
-When you turned to guide them into the house they all saw PRICE printed on the back of the large tshirt just barely covering your ass (this is your own home pants are never required and its hot as hell without the ac). Now it was Ghost’s turn to look anywhere but at you.
-As they worked you’d bring them water or snacks. They now understood why Price kept you hidden from them. The perfect lil housewife. The woman of all of their dreams already taken.
-When they were finished they went to the kitchen to inform you they were done only to find a full meal set on the table waiting for them but worst of all? There you were reaching up to the top cabinet. On your tippy toes, your shirt (Price’s shirt) riding up enough to expose the bottom of your ass and lacey pink panties. Soap had to bite his knuckle to keep from groaning. Ghost grabbing the tops of his teammates heads, turning them away from the incredible sight in front of them.
-Price was right to keep you hidden from them
-They might just have to sneak in and break something every time Price was out of town if it meant this is what they got to see.
Price's lil wife Masterlist
#john price#captain price#price x reader#task force 141#tf 141#john soap mactavish#simon ghost riley#ghost#cod x reader#blurb#cod modern warfare#kyle gaz garrick#gaz#prices lil wife
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