#its hard and i feel like im gonna explode
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guess who's getting over their 2+ year fp attachment
#its hard and i feel like im gonna explode#but it also feels like a weight has been lifted off of my chest
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have this rly shitty dovewing i drew based on a spotted dove!!
#warrior cats#dovewing#spotted doves r the most common dove where i live !#they r . vry noisy lol#my hand is stillhurting even when i did some exercises beforehand ughhhhhh#its so hard getting back into the groove of drawing everything feels liek shit#whateverrrrrr im gonna go to be bed need to wake up at like 6 tmr :( no sleeping in i wanna explode
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I literally can't stop thinking about this sequence of pictures, actually completely brainrotting me
#ever since i watched aus 2009 i cant stop scrolling back up in my gallery to stare at these#like pics that genuinely make me roll around on my bed and squeal#GAHHHHHH LIKE THE WAY SEB IS GRINNING UP AT AND HESITANTLY PLACING HIS HAND ON HIS CHEST#AND THEN JENSON NOTICES AND MY GOD THE WAY HES LOOKING AT HIM I CANT I CANT#THE WAY THEYRE SMILING AT ESCH OTHER IM GONNA LOSE IT#AND LOOK HOW HARD JENSE IS GRIPPING HIM GODDDDDDDD#like i really cant express in words how these make me feel its actually just *tv static noises*#i feel like im grinning so hard looking at these that im gonna explode#(also @grace if you see these: ive been reading solar flare lately and GOD YOURE SO RIGHT WHEN YOU REFERENCED IT)#(theres this part where mark says to jb that hes been looking up podium/press pics of them online)#(and that they look like theyre in love HE IS LITERALLY ME FRRRRRR LIKE IM GOING INSANE OVER IT)#(these pics brainrotted me before i started reading it but reading it has only made it 100x worse/better)#anyways i really really like 2009 sebson they're so endearing to me 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭#ig its just smth about how theyre so affectionate with each other despite being each others rivals#like constantly patting/nudging/hugging each other IM GONNA CRYYYYY IM GONNA EXPLODEEEE#i put these pics in the comp i made if seb but like bcs of the magnitude to which they affect me i needed to make a posr for them#just imagine me wailing and losing my mind irl and in these tags sob sob sob#if i stay committed w watching races ill just keep on going to the end of the v8 era so dw my wailing can only get worse :D#every time i scroll up out of the tags to look at the pics again i feel my heart skipping a bit HDJFKGKGKGL#anyways unhinged wdym unhinged :)#f1#formula 1#sebastian vettel#jenson button#jb22#sv5#sebson#2009 australian gp
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i'm sorry i'm being annoying about my trip but look at the view from my room in d.c.
#im just literally in awe#i never get to travel so this to me is... idk how yo explain it#just WAIT til i get to go to europe my mind is gonna explode#does it make sense though that i am loving it i also feel a little melancholic?#like im already thinking i miss it before ive even left#i have a bad habit of doing that its a little hard for me to enjoy the moment when im just dreading the end#anyhoo ill shut up we gotta find dinner im shaking
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LUFFY!!!!!!!!! I HAVE BEEN CONVERTED!!!! LUFFY BELIEVER FULL TIME!!!!! LET US WORSHIP THE SUN!!!!
#luffy deflating like a balloon..... be serious 😭😭#MOMO NOT BEING ABLE TO HEAR LUFFY!!! oh kaido going for the others now..... law could hear his voice too???#NAMI BEING THE FIRST TO STEP UP!!! CHILLS!!! THIS TIME STEPPING UP TO WITNESS THE HORRORS!!! YEAH!!!#yamato really does carry the spirit of oden straight up.... motivating his son and everything...#i feel like i am going insane... I CAN HEAR THE DRUMS!!! nami telling luffy to not die and fulfill his promise WHO ELSE HAD A PROMISE????#is this why his fruit awakened.... because nami reminded him of the promise... omg..... THE DRUMS!!! CHILLS!!!! THE SMILE!!!!! IM SO HYPE!!#talking tag#watching one piece#episode 1070#i am smiling so hard rn. contagious#also the cp0 that died for this ajdja.... suffering from success....#THE BOUNCING SOUNDS!!!! THE DRUMS!!!! THE SMILE!!! SANJI JUST VOLTING AWAKE??? see the clouds over his shoulders remain.... as i was saying#you know this has me realising maybe shanks isn't all that bad and stole the fruit from the gov so they couldnt get hold of it#hiyori saying how oden kept hia promise but also how he wanted to keep the promise of opening wano for joyboy#THE KANJURO THING!!! HIYORI WATCH OUT!!! oh its gonna burn orichi by accident YEAAHHH!!!!!!! FUCK YEAHH!!!!#the animation is so fun.. luffy just junping around and shit while hia destruction power is MASSIVE#this is so!!!! kaido complaining about being bored and having fun thru fighting AND HERE COMES LUFFY WITH HIS LOONEY TOONS GOOFY FIGHT!!!!#they knocked this shit out of the park!!! also END CREDITS????!#episode 1071#momo saying kaido got fat 😭 actually kaido got pregnant <3 yamato you're going to be a big brother congrats!!!#the eyes 😭😭 damn luffy flew away and exploded... 😞😞 skipping rope with kaido omg.... everyone should go outside and see this...#we are welcoming here in the luffy believers... barto is gonna enlist hundreds of new members#law is luffy believer number 1 damn the speech he is giving kid... omg kaido bonked him ajshaksjak that was so good he needed witnesses..#nami worried abojt luffy being dead and when he appears she is just like WTF IS THAT!!!!!! HUH???!!#wait a second ooohhhh kaido is goong down too fuck yes akdjaksj momo and yamato peeking over the island jahdksk#THE DRUMS BEING HIS HEART I CANNOT GET OVER IT!!! Kaido shoukd be puking up his insides by now but alas this is so fun BOIOIOIOIOING#FIRST TIME SOMEONE ASKS LUFFY WHO HE IS AND HE DOESN'T SAY MONKEY D LUFFY FUTURE KING OF THE PIRATES. HE SAYS ITS HIM. STRAIGHT UP!!!!#NVM HE SAID IT!!!!! GOD IS THAT YOU????!!!!#episode 1072
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HI JUST. SSENDING THIS IN QUICKLY
hi! so i’ve been staring at your art for like over a year now and just been being amazed by it and now i finally have a tumblr account so i wanted to send this in to say thank you!! your art was by far one of the hugest inspirations for me to keep working on my art and keep trying to get better and it also intensely fueled my bedman hyperfixation (which i still have) ^^ i would spend HOURS back in like april and may last year studying your art style and trying to figure out how to do poses and things like you did and i think it was one of the biggest steps that i took towards where my art has ended up today!
thank you for making all your gorgeous art!! it really encouraged me to keep trying with my art and studying and admiring your works helped me learn a lot! you’re super super cool, keep up the great work 🫶
HEY..!!! oh my god 😭💖💖 thank you so much!! this is one of the nicest things anyones said about my art Seriously i feel so touched right now 😭 im so happy…!!!
idek what to say i never thought someone would study my poses and such i always feel like my art is kind of stiff even when i put effort into it… i draw for fun so its not a big deal but sometimes im not happy with it… remember to always use references whenever you want (i never do this)
your art has developed so nicely into your own style also!! the poses are great and i love the facial expressions and coloring 🥺🥺 i can tell you work hard on it!! TYSM again for the message it really made my day!! lets both do our best to keep improving 💖💖
#IM LIKE.. STAND UP AND PACE AROUND MY ROOM TOUCHED BY THIS MESSAGE THANK YOU.. UUUUUU I FEEL LIKE CRYING (HAPPY)#SERIOUSLY i feel like a proud parent or somethting idk. except im not a parent im a hermit artist on tumblr.#THIS IS SO AWESOME im gonna explode. (happy)#IM SORRY.. I NEVER POST ANYMORE.. my own motivation has left me 😔😭 its hard but ill keep working hard too#i am also still in the bedman hyperfixation trenches btw LOL like 2 and a half years later#THANK UUU SO MUCH AGAIN! AND AGAIN! i forget that people perceive me online this made me smile happy joy
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blah blah blah blah blah
#i have real thoughts rn i am just so overwhelmed with feeling that this is all that can come out#tldr: i wish i could just spend my time traveling and treating women how they Deserve to be treated (well. loved)#thinking about how many people i see who are so deeply sad#thinking about how many ppl ive had a positive impact on even if we ended on terrible terms#thinking about how many more people i could help if i just had the resources ....#thinking about how fucked the psychiatric industry is and how so many therapists suck#thinking about how i actually love being the mommy therapist friend a lot of the time and my limits surrounding that really just come from-#-the fact i Dont have the resources to do this for everyone bc i also have to manage other things in life and work and such#thinking about how if i could i would actually do free emotional labor like. all the time.#thinking about how much it sucks i cant do this#thinking about how much i want to hold every sad girl i see on my dash and let them cry into my arms until they cant anymore#thinking about how much i love my friends#thinking about how much I love...... everyone i meet#not in the like Romantic way but in the “oh hello. you crossed my path. i love you. i love you. i love you. thank you for being alive” way#thinking about all the people who have harmed me and how i Still feel so much love for all of them#thinking of the strangers who have been both rude and kind to me and how much i think of them. how deeply i hope they're still alive.#it..... hurts to love this much ngl#but pushing it down feels worse and im full of this feeling of tender frustration????? because of it#i love that i have so many people who allow me to love them and love me in return#i want to reach through the screen and kiss every follower and mutual and person i follow on the forehead and tell them I love them#i wish i could express more love for people w/o them falling In love with me or being weirded out thinking im In Love w/ them....#i wish i could express better that its not that im aromantic but that i just have so much love at my baseline that its hard for me to-#-Fall in love unless we constantly are talking and communicating and like. working to that together without sounding like a jerk or like im+#+a saint. im not a saint. im not. i just love you. ):#ANYWAY sorry for all those feelings if i didnt get them out i was gonna explode#that also definitely wasnt really a tldr
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One of the early signs of me being a dog was how when I was a kid I loved to bite popsicle sticks, but I didn't understand why. I didn't know I'm autistic and sensory seeking, but I did know that puppies love to bite things. So that was my explanation for why I loved doing is so much: my urge to bite was the same as dogs' urge to bite. I was just like them :3
#i still love stimming by biting stuff#and somtimes its literally like. if i dont bite something right now im going to explode#usually i go for like hoodie strings or necklaces or just straight up my fingers (but not like hard enough to hurt myself)#but my favorite thing to bite are juice boxes#because they feel nice between my teeth and i can just shred them to pieces#because theyre like cardboard#and it takes a long time to completely destroy a big juice box and its soooo satisfying its the best shit#anyway other thing that pointed to me being a puppy was how anytime i played pretend with other kids Id choose to be a dog 80% of the time#like if we played house or stuff like that. no i wont be the daughter or the mom im gonna be the family dog#or id play an animal-like character. anthro animal dragon shapeshifter stuff like that#i just always wanted to be like a dog and i was like a puppy. i was a puppy#silly stuff#therianposting#bee buzz
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definitely not related to anything but how do you think Masato would view who he became in the present? I feel like he'd obv feel vindication for having fixed his fucked up body somewhat and gotten to the level of power he'd desired but at the same time i have to wonder if theres a lil bit of seething at aokis hypocrisy and sliminess (not that he's any better but i don't think he'd have the self awareness to get that oops)
GREAT QUESTION. ASTOUNDING QUESTION EVEN......
theres no doubt that masato wouldnt have any qualms about aoki yk. Succeeding and getting as far as he has
at the same time, i think because it's not him (as in. he's still 'stuck' with the self he has now) there'd be envy. like Yeah Thats Great He Gets That Eventually But Why Not Now kind of deal- and why'd it have to take All Of That to get it anyway ? unfair, he thinks. me thinks (╯▽╰ )
#snap chats#masato's a hypocrite at his core we know he woludn't really be 100% on board even with himself LOL#there might ALSO be case in masato hating just. how much of a worm aoki is LOL#like what aoki does he does majorly because he believes its what people want#he lives for the attention of the public and their approval as it validates him and makes him feel yk. Normal.#Son Your Normal Is Horrible But I Understand (You're Wack As Hell) but anyway#it wasnt as if masato didnt already have the seedlings of his ardent anti-crime ideals or however else you label it as#seeing the No Dumping Trash sign probably made his cope worse. tbh. yk he's super Anti-Crime now as a way to 'correct' that moment#and if not that it just solidified to himself how much of 'trash' 'masato arakawa' is right#but thats for the masato/aoki analysis ill save that for another year <- already wrote it#either way i think knowing how far and obsessive aoki is about everyones approval is like... Oh So You're A Worm LOL#idk. hard to say since i only know if i found out my future self became a politician i would kill him in cold blood LOLOLOL#ANYWAY ILL END IT THERE NOOOOO im normal i promise.....#im gonna go for a walk now before stream lol....#you should ask me more about masato and aoki and masato /and/ aoki cause :)))))))))))))) //explodes//
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...
#sometimes. most times. if i cant articulate things properly i feel like my heads gonna explode. which is unfortunate bc i have the#language is hard brain problems. my neurology makes articulation difficult. but i try reguardless. which is sometimes. most times.#exhausting. that words gets thrown around a lot when i describe the patterns of my thoughts. exhausting. and it is i guess. tho id say its#more annoying and frustrating. but maybe its also exhausting. hard to tell when its how u think. but ive been reading a lot of papers this#weekend. enjoying the papers i read. papers about photosynthesis at the edge of habitability. about genetis and the structure and functions#of proteins. and the learning curve is steep but im learning bit by bit. and it just sorta makes me sad bc the way that my brain works has#so damaged the way that i interact with the world and i can see it at every step of my academic career. i dont even kno what to say abt the#past 2 years of my life. from where i stand now its just a black hole of self destruction. y did i do that? i dunno. at the time i was just#following the arbitrary rules and restrictions laid out for me within my head. did these rules have a rational basis? no. not usually. but#thats how it had to be. exhausting. but even then i coukd sometimes see thru to the wonder. and it was agony bc i wasnt allowed to think#abt it. its still agony now but i can feel it more often. maybe that's what happiness is to me. to be so full of wonder that i cant take it#i cant exist in that state or id b nonfunctional. its too big for my chest. it makes me want to scream and weep and pull at my hair. and#and its maddening bc i cant articulate it properly. except to call upon media short hands. there is wonder here. a nightmarish description#but not always. sometimes it was beautiful. theres a reason ive read annihilati0n 5 times despite hating the book. theres a reason i rewatch#the terror nearly once a month. to find beauty in a thing that causes you such terror and pain. theres something about it i can't find the#words for and its driving me nuts. exhausting. but so it goes#unrelated
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Feeling just every single kind of horrific now I’m literally living my nightmare and have no where to run anymore
#lost my home my escape from this place and now im forced back into this awful living situation in a horrible town#its taking a physical toll im dizzy my stomach hurts i cant sleep right im sweaty i cant breathe#its just not real like this just cant be real#i can hear them chewing through the walls and i want them to stop but i cant cover my ears cuz then im vulnerable#my curtains are gone everyone is watching me theres spies all over the town the all report to each other#nagging nagging nagging because my god im so incompetent i cant even make a phone call#ive literally procrastinated rescheduling a very important doctor appointment for 2 weeks now cuz i literally cannot remember to do it#if i run away itll be pointless cuz theyll just find me and bring me back here#i would do anything just to cry and sob cuz then id get to feel better but my body wont let me im like emotionally constipated#ive been for who knows how fucking long#my father tells me that i need to overcome my autism and that im just not trying hard enough and that i need to talk to jesus#i dont love anything here i cant be bothered to try#and the ‘support’ i get is just. a cheap way of forcing me in#im gonna explode im seriously so uncomfortable so fed up so terrified so nauseous#its not even a dream this time but maybe it is but maybe it isnt i dont know i just punch the wall but never bleed#i want to breathe but its not working
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girl help i started thinking Too Much about the fic avert your eyes
#im doomspiraling#or w/e the fuck youd call it#it feels Boring and mediocre and like none of the plot is actually captivating#its not mysterious or weird it just feels predictable#half of the scenes are repeating themselves its just the same stupid shit#its Flat theres no real emotion no stakes nothing youre waiting for its just. something you skim over and click away from#ugh. UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH#i dont do this too often anymore but the further i get into the fic the worse its gonna get#because ill be rereading my own shit over and over and itll feel less impactful and more predictable#and then its So Hard To Tell whats GENUINELY bad and what im just bitching about#im going to explode#watch me spend months talking about this and writing it and then i FINALLY have it done and its just. neutral face emoji through and through#<- too braindead to find the right words to describe how im Feeling and the emotion or lack of such the fic will invoke#god help me fr#ughgghhgghghhghgghghghhhgghghghghgh#itd also be So Much Easier if i didnt have that whole Thing with lying and constantly assuming ppl r lying to spare my feelings :sob:#like i could trust someone to the moon and back but if they read it over and liked it my brain would just.#'theyre lying its awful its so bad theyre embarrassed for you and they dont even know where to start which is why theyre lying abt it'#'its so fucking indescribably awful and no one will ever tell you and youll live in ignorance of the fact'#like girl. GIRL.#GET A GRIP !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#ive gotten soooooo much better with so much of my shit but that one has persisted through so much#gonna try talking to my therapist about it in a couple days bc its Been a problem#like fr my writing will get complimented and i jump instantly to 'theyre lying and it sucks' GIRL!!!!!!!!!!!!#i am Not Special Enough that people would go THAT far out of their way to lie to my face and make me feel better#<- exact same thought i had last time when a bunch of ppl spent months lying to my face to spare my feelings abt Really Important Things#praying that no one reads this far down the tags and if u have ermmmmm dorry im having a hashtag girl moment u know how it is#ill delete this in the morning when i am Sane again
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I don't even ship this but I can tell you guys are doing it wrong
#'i don't even ship this. he says. lying'#if i see one more get together fic im gonna just explode bc you dont get itttttttt#they are the slowest of slowburn and aren't even romantic it's moreso feeling completely comfortable with the other and learning to love l#them even when its hard even after everything that happened#its also like. their dynamic wouldn't really change even if they did start a relationship.
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Tired of reminding myself it's been tough year and it's ok to not feel good
#living with a friend's parents to get out of a seriously scary situation and also not have to move back with my parents#who live hours away and have none of my friends nearby#is fuckin weird and tough!!#and we still dont have our own place#we're gonna#but it's literally gonna be almost a year since move out before we get in there#and its been a year now since things officially went to shit#like yeah slow decline before that but shit exploded in December last year#and i feel awful rn#and have to keep reminding myself that that is so beyond reasonable#even if a lot of things are really good rn#and they are!!!#a lot is really hard and HAS been really hard#and im tired of it#i just wanna feel okayyyyyy
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if i dont kill myself in some mania-induced state by the end of the year i will be surprised.
#dook dook#guess whats happening to me right now#and im trying so hard not to rip all my skin off#its really made my trich act up just trying to sit still enough to focus on anything#but all i can think about is the horrors and the horrors and the horrors and the horrors and#im so chatty and i wanna say it 'feels good' but it feels like my skeletons gonna explode out of me#and its euphoric in a way i cant describe but so painful it hurts#IM GOING TO END IT ALL OKAY!
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Ahhhhhhhh
I wanna watch ofmd
But I dont know if my parents are planning on watching it
I mean I'm definitely cool watching it more than once
But will my dad be upset i didn't wait for him is the question
#fuck it#i think i need to watch it on my own first anyway#i cant emote as much as i would like when other people are around#i will say that watching with my parents has the bonus of forcing me to actually start the episode tho#im just staring at the episodes trying to decide if im ready or not#like mentally and emotionally#but if i watch now i can read the fanfiction with all the context#it also doesnt help that my dad hasnt gone to bed yet which has thrown off my routine#cuz he pops his head in to tell me goodnight which interrupts what im doing#and the anticipation makes it hard for me to start things until after my parents have gone to bed#like its not like a big interruption or anything but an interruption is an interruption and the more emotionally invested i am in the thing#im doing the harder it is start something when i know its gonna be briefly interrupted#and im very emotionally invested#like come on man you usually go to bed at like 8#its NINE go to bed lol#i feel like im going to explode
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