#its giving : I can excuse murder and abuse but i draw line at being mean to my pookie

[remy--hadley]

Some house md fans will swear up and down they are not misogynistic yet say that cameron and cuddy are literal evil incarnate on the same breath because they dared to dump their fave.

[slytherinsnekxvii]

let's talk about lily evans and the marauders, aka moony, wormtail, padfoot and prongs. given that i didn't use their actual names, i think you can figure out where this is going. it's also long as hell, so. canon vs fanon, marauder edition, except snek is sleep deprived.

now, before we begin, i don't dislike the marauders. or lily, tbh. if I'm being perfectly, genuinely honest, i still go back and forth sometimes but they've been growing on me for a while now. the canon versions, at least. fanon does them real dirty, and that's part of why i'm writing this, because i'm genuinely tired of it. it's an injustice.

you can at least make excuses for james and lily, who were so undeveloped that jkr practically dropped a fill-in-the-blank sheet of character information in our laps, but sirius, remus and peter were around long enough for y'all to get real acquainted with them.

in canon, sirius black is an unhinged mf. genuinely. this isn't to say he's a bad guy, in fact, we see that he's still capable of doing good things, still capable of love, still capable of all the things that prove he's actually not bad at heart, just,,, severely traumatised and very steeped in negativity from his time with the dementors. what i'm saying is that this man is absolutely, no questions asked, no holds barred demented, and how could he not be? the guy sat wrongfully imprisoned in azkaban for twelve years, a good portion of which he spent as a dog in order to protect himself from the dementors. he certainly wasn't completely insane, but you cannot tell me that he was all there. he got out of azkaban fuelled almost solely by the intent to get revenge on pettigrew, tried to commit murder in front of three witnesses who were also children—one of whom was his godson—ate rats and was also malnourished, which i'm certain did not help the situation any. this man is off his goddamn rocker, and you know what? you love to see it. good for him.

oh, but, snek, that's what he's like as an adult. what about when they were at school? before azkaban? my guy, the reaction he has to grimmauld place is not the reaction of someone without trauma. i don't believe that walburga and orion were the type to physically abuse their children, but whatever happened in that house helped to fuck him up enough that he skipped the joke of part of practical joke, and pranked snape by telling him how to meet a werewolf that he knew would be fully transformed and dangerous to humans. more than that, the werewolf was remus, whom he's friends with, and who—best case scenario—would be facing a trial if james hadn't stepped in. you can say that maybe he didn't think about or understand the gravitas of his actions, but at the end of it, that's not how properly sane people react to people they dislike, and that's not how they treat their friends. if anything, it reads like he was in the middle of a breakdown and absolutely losing his shit and he wasn't thinking at all.

my guy went through some serious shit, and was in no way completely mentally stable. we can see pretty clearly that he's got a serious dark side to him that probably would have gone unbridled had he not disagreed with his family, and yet, fanon took one look at him and went, "teehee, uwu bad boi go vroom."

fanon said padfoot is a pretty boy with nice hair who is tastefully traumatised from his horribly abusive household. sirius rides his motorcycle and plays jokes and flirts with anything that moves, but he can do no real wrong and always comes back to his soft, bookish, chocolate-loving boyfriend remus, who will laugh about his lycanthropy and quietly disapprove but secretly laugh at his friends' antics while hiding his smile in his cardigan.

respectfully, what in the absolute fuck.

i'd put that meme in here if i could, the one that's like, "well done, you've broken _______ down to its bare essentials," but no. i can't bc it doesn't even apply. this isn't a meme, it's theseus' fucking ship.

fanon broke it down, and replaced the pieces one by one until we got to this point, where we need to sit down and ask ourselves, "is this even the same character?"

the answer is no, by the way. it isn't. when people talk about woobifying characters—you know, taking away every flaw they have, romanticising everything they do and making them only capable of doing good, wonderful, lovely things?—this is what we mean.

and it'd be one thing if it was just the one character, but, no. fanon went all in and made them all squeaky clean and boring, especially peter, who draws the shortest of the straws.

remus got fucked, too. not just because fanon insists on sticking him into a relationship with sirius. which, we'll tackle wolfstar in a bit, but that's not even the worst of it. here, we have yet another example of blatant, rampant woobifying. again, is he a bad person? no. we know he's a good guy, we know he's generally kind and well-mannered, we know that he wants to fo the right thing but hey, fun fact. did you know that you can be nice and a coward? did you know that you can be benevolent and good and kindly and have the greatest of intentions and still be shady as fuck? no? ask dumbledore. the man played people like chess pieces when he needed to, and he was a twinkly grandpa. these are things that can coexist.

teenage remus is a coward who, understandably, does not stand up to his friends, likely for fear of being ostracised, and doesn't uphold his prefect duties as he should and takes part in their bullying of snape as a result. he lets them romp with him in werewolf form while they are in their animagus forms and then, he lets them continue to do so even after they have multiple close calls, which, again, had anything happened, would have resulted in a trial in the best case scenario.

grownup remus is still a coward, he tells no one that sirius can move about the school in his animagus form despite wholeheartedly believing that he's a mass murderer, he tries to run out on his wife and unborn kid. he isn't deliberately making attempts to harm anyone, but he's content to sit back and let things happen to him and around him so he doesn't rock the boat, although he is capable of action, which we see when he is more than willing to help sirius merk pettigrew in the shack. he can be careless, he runs out to the shack knowing he hasn't taken his wolfsbane and ends up transforming in front of the students he, as a teacher, is meant to be protecting. of course, this doesn't negate his good qualities, it just bears repeating that his flaws do exist, and they're pretty serious.

fanon moony is always pleasant and kind and soft-spoken and bookish, and he always has to have his chocolate. he knows when to tell off his friends, and he'll do it, even if he's secretly amused by everything they do and laughs about it with his best friend, lily evans, who coincidentally spends all her time with them so he and sirius can go on double dates with james and lily and no one has to remember peter exists.

why. theseus' ship 2.0. does the actual character still exist or is this something entirely different thing bearing the same name?

as for peter, who needs peter pettigrew, the actual, legitimate, fourth marauder when you have lily evans? canon pettigrew is opportunistic as fuck. he's latching himself to the biggest bad on the block and he's going all in. for teenage peter, that was james and sirius, and for adult peter, that's voldemort. canon peter is good enough at transfiguration to master the animagus transformation, just like his friends, and he's good enough at potions to brew the potion that gives voldemort a body. and honestly, you can't say he wasn't brave. he could've run off somewhere and died, or changed his identity or something after he faked his death and framed sirius, but, no. he goes and resurrects voldemort. that's fucked up, yeah, but it happened and honestly, i respect that it. he stuck to his guns.

fanon wormtail is lucky if he exists beyond being a spineless sycophant for james and sirius, or an evil conniving little rat who's looking to toss his entire friend group to the wolves at eleven.

of course, this isn't meant to negate his bad qualities, he still murdered people and framed sirius and sold out the potters to die, but his good characteristics do exist, and james, sirius and remus genuinely were his friends.

and now, we get to lily and james.

we have hardly any information on either of them. they're a pair of cardboard cutouts that we can paint and stick flyers to and colour outside the lines however we want. we can do whatever the fuck, as long lily is brave and smart and somewhat kind and james is brave and willing to die for his family. we were essentially handed a pair of ocs.

and yet.

what little bits of canon we have are thrown out of the window regardless.

james is privileged and rich, and he throws hexes for fun. he's willing to hex lily when she disagrees with him, and then, he goes behind her back to continue hexing snape after she believes that he's stopped doing so. and that's all we know about him until he dies for his family at twenty-one years old. once again, say it with me: this does not negate his good qualities. he definitely had them, he took sirius in when sirius ran away from home, he became an animagus to keep remus company as a wolf, and he saved snape in the shack, thereby saving remus and sirius by extension. him having flaws does not make him a bad person.

fanon prongs is a feminist. he fights for equal rights for women everywhere, and he constantly treats his girlfriend, lily, like an absolute queen. he's the hottest boy in school and everyone claps when he walks through the halls. mcgonagall and dumbledore are always patting him on the back and making jokes with him. he has a built-in dark detector that helps him sense when someone is a evil and needs to he punished.

give me a break. the dude's cool and all, but was the gary stu treatment necessary?

...oh, he needed to match fanon lily? right, right.

canon lily is a contradiction unto herself. she's supposedly a great friend, but since we see her at a point where they were already drifting apart, we see her putting little effort into keeping their friendship afloat. she victim blames based on rumours, she doesn't seem to care over much about what snape has to say about the people who have been tormenting him since day one. and she's justified, of course, she doesn't have to stick around. canon lily is a bit of hypocrite, she says that snape calls everyone of her birth mudblood, but then that begs the question why she still hangs around with him if that's the case. he calls her mudblood, she retaliates by calling him snivellus, and finishes up with a dig about his underwear, which, sure, it's kicking a man with a rusty spoon and pouring salt in the wound, but she's, again, justified. i get where she was coming from. and then, of course, she dies for her kid after marrying the guy who relentlessly bullied her quote-unquote best friend for their entire school careers. but, like i said, canon lily is, in many ways, a contradiction.

lily is basically a plot device. she pushes everyone's narrative but her own, and does little else.

of course, this trend would continue in fanon. fanon lily exists to be the perfect girl who gets really angry over the slightest injustice, and of course, she gets to be one half of one of the oldest enemies-to-lovers "it was just sexual tension" cliche pairings in the book. she's just,,, a mary sue. in so many fics, so many headcanons, she's just pettigrew's stand-in, a girl to form a gang with marlene, mary and dorcas—who happen to be more undeveloped ocs who also get the woobify mary sue treatment—to parallel the marauders. there is nothing compelling about her character when she's presented as a saint, and even less when she's supposedly the other moral compass for the marauders that doesn't actually work because she thinks that james is cute.

and this brings me to the next topic. jily. what, why, how. this was supposed to be a healthy, happy relationship that would have lasted in the long run? absolutely not. even for its time, i can't say that i see it lasting.

first of all, jkr presents james' crush on lily as just that: a crush. a mildly obsessive one, but a crush nonetheless, which she tries to liken to the pulling of pigtails. and then, we see that james' way of getting her to go out with him consists of blackmail, and when that doesn't work, he resorts to threatening her. this could have been set aside if he had actually, genuinely changed when they started spending more time together, but as we're told by sirius and remus, he didn't. he just got better at hiding what he was up to. and it has to be that he hid it, because if she knew, this further damages the character that she's set up to have and paints her out to be either unable to stand up to him or an enabler.

regardless, they get married. and while i have trouble believing that it was out of genuine love, there are scenarios that could make some semblance of sense. it's wartime, after all, and maybe lily is worried about her stability in the wizarding world, so why not marry into an established family whose son is already showing interest? or perhaps, she falls into the trap of every bad boy cliche ever, and she thinks to herself, well, i got him to be better then, maybe i can get him to do even better in the future. or maybe, she doesn't get into a relationship with him immediately and sees him on and off, until eventually, she accidentally gets pregnant and they scramble to have a shotgun wedding so as not to leave lily alone at nineteen with a baby. or maybe they marry each other because they're there and sure, neither of then is ready and they don't know what love even is but what else is there to do when there's a dark lord about? anyways, the point is, they get married.

and then what? if we count pottermore into canon, he goes on to further damage her relationship with petunia and vernon, to the point where she ends up crying. if we don't, she fades into the background enough that nobody has anything to say about her. she's harry's mum, she's james' wife, lily potter, she was kind and smart and brave and that's it. her agency is gone, anything else we have of her personality is gone.

jily just,,, wasn't built to last. and, yeah, this,,, this is a hill i'll die on.

same with wolfstar, honestly. there are so many reasons why it wouldn't work, but fanon has made it so fucking prevalent that it's literally everywhere no matter where you look.

first of all, i've said it before and i'll say it again. sirius is more likely to get with james that he is to ever end up in a relationship with remus. their chemistry is just,,, underdeveloped. net zero for a relationship.

secondly, sirius instigated the werewolf prank, and lupin would have paid the price for it. this could have been overlooked, but he doesn't seem the slightest bit guilty about any of it when it's brought up in poa. he could have been responsible for lupin losing the security of his place at hogwarts in the best case scenario, and in the worst case, his life. and he seems to look forward to full moons, even though they clearly aren't pleasant for remus, which,,, yeah, you're going to have fun, but like, maybe be concerned about the fact that your friend undergoes excruciating pain and it isn't a pleasant time for him? read the room, my g.

thirdly, they don't trust each other as much as fanon seems to think they do. they were both willing to believe each other the traitor before ever suspecting pettigrew. sirius thought remus gave away the potters, hell, he thought remus was a spy for voldemort, and remus was convinced that sirius was a mass murderer. neither of them needed to be convinced.

fourthly, maybe i'm reading too much into it, but like. sirius had money. remus had no money, since, yk, he was a werewolf and struggling for cash and still, sirius,,, did not leave him any money. i feel like if you had money to spare, you would give to your friend who is literally poor. but, again, maybe i'm reading too much into it and this isn't as valid a point as i think it is.

and ehh, the fifth reason is that it's,,, actually very much not the representation for the ltgbt community that fanon says it is but y'all aren't ready for that conversation.

anyways, just,,, even when you set the couple shit aside, the power dynamics between everyone here is fucked. like, james and sirius are clearly at the top of food chain calling the shots and egging each other on. then there's lily, who isn't even a marauder, but is always ever-so-slightly above remus but still not on their level, because, well. neither of them actually listen to her. remus is the novelty friend, the friend who's,,, alright, i guess, but you keep them around specifically because they're funny or they can dance or they have something that you can either show off to other people or keep as your little inside joke, your little secret, yk? and peter is just sort of there. like, yeah, he can do what we can but does that make him as good as we are? no. does he have a funny little something about him that we can exploit? nah. therefore he sits at the bottom. and like, yeah, james and sirius are on the same level, but james is yanking sirius' chain, not the other way around. anyways, like i said. power dynamic's fucked and it bothers me that we were given all of this, and fanon decided to take it all and throw it away so they could give us flamboyant!badboi!sirius black x softboi!motherhen!remus lupin going on double dates with feminist!trustfundbaby!james potter and saint!lily evans while ignoring peter pettiwho?

theseus' fucking ship, indeed.

anyways, this needed to be said. it might not make as much sense as i want it to, considering it's 4:12 in the morning as i'm posting this, after taking a break from writing to do some research and coming across way too much content about fanon marauders, but it's here and it still makes enough sense that you can read it and understand what i mean. and like, at the end of the day, you can go ahead and headcanon whatever you please, you can write fic and make art and do whatever you like, just,,, remember that they're exactly that. headcanons. stop presenting fanon as canon. please. i'm literally begging. we actually have evidence against it. just,,, acknowledge that they're headcanons and stop putting them forward as though they're able to fit into canon. please.

[the-fair-maiden-of-fandom]

more qjj livetweets but only on tumblr pt.4

|| so very many spoilers ||

im baaaack and im really actually not that funny but this is more of a reading log for my future self

nerd revolution!!!

like. hai liangyi’s end was awful. it was painful. but it’s objectively kind of funny to watch the students flip out because their nerd god died

domesticity

my instincts want me to say girlboss. my common sense says there’s OBVIOUSLY going to be something wrong with her when she ascends to power

someone told me shen zechuan is canonically horrendous at horseback riding, is that what this is about to be??

i see now that i was wrong

OKAY DING TAO I SEE YOU

li xiong,,,, baby what do you mean why are they bullying you, you’re a criminal

it’s like himbo to the nth degree

i never get sick of tactical prose, i really don’t

ngl ateez while reading this battle scene kinda hits

wow xiao fangxu im sure that’s not foreshadowing or anything. who could possibly be wolfish and also willing to lead libei. that’s crazy

falling asleep at a desk shouldn’t be as cute as it is

yao wenyu you say???? i wish i was surprised but i accidentally spoiled THAT storyline for myself

okay not to pull a sqq but,,,,, xcy kills very decisively,,,, that beheading tho

i sound insane but like the way the author describes his body tipping off the horse is art

xcy is NEVER beating the furry allegations

wait why is this luo mu fellow so interested in kong ling’s looks??? ‘,:| it's giving fruity

“earring” ooh, chapter title’s promising

A THOUSAND SERVANTS????

ah, yes, misogyny

hmmmm maybe not awful, just not as bright as szc, meaning he's going to be in hot water soon

my spidey senses are tingling and they say this man is going to die

“i can excuse murder but i draw the line at domestic abuse”

when szc smiles all i think of is death and destruction and maybe this makes me xcy but,,,, im not complaining

‘It was only then that Luo Mu understood that it was not just a front when Kong Ling said he was confident of success.’ szc is just That Good and i love that about him

OH MY GOD THE MILKKKKKKK

im dying thats so cute

THE LETTER SZC IS SO SMOOTH AND THEY ARE IN LOVEEE

you go ahead and try that strategy babe. i have full faith that you will die

so sexy of him

SO SEXY OF HIM

the threatening music,,, this scene is great but its so funny. want your enemies scared over afternoon tea? "alexa, play IC3PEAK"

I KNEW THEY WERE FRUITY

sbskskal 'breaking news: most dangerous man in the world still scared of being tattled on to his husband'

ji gang is such a dad i love him

the way that they're everything is so insane

CAUGHT RED HANDED

i always forget he's only twenty until he's literally hiding under the blankets to escape a scolding

oh boy everybody's in trouble now

they really are a found family huh

im crying laughing “A-Ye, I’m so hungry.” he is trying EVERYTHING

omg,,,,, in sickness and in health

and also FINALLY someones bringing up the kick

“Go on, keep acting cute with me. It’s futile, Shen Lanzhou. If you give yourself another stab the next time, I’ll die immediately in Libei. I won’t exist anymore, do you hear me?” this needs no words

[ace-trainer-disera]

I wish all this talk about minors and pedophilia wasn't so rampant in the anime fandoms of tumblr. I get really tired if hearing about it. Especially since I don't agree with the majority.

I'm going to be the "bad guy" here because I need to get it off my chest.

First topic, writing smut for characters under the age of 18 or aging up. We're talking about fictional characters here, right? And anime characters at that. Now, I want you to look at an anime character that's 15 years old and then I want you to look at a real 15 year old. Artists have very obviously exaggerated some qualities, no? I don't think it's reasonable to believe that just because someone is sexually attracted to a DRAWING of a minor that they are also sexually attracted to minors in real life.

My next point; in most of these works, it is two minors engaging in sexual intercorse. If it were a minor and their 30 year old neighbor I'd probably be weirded out, yet still would not step on the authors right to produce that content. Anyway, minors fuck. Teenagers are hormonally charged and curious. You can walk into your local book store right now now and buy a book, legally published by a real publishing house, where two teenagers fuck. And you know what? People don't usually make a big deal about it because they recognize the reality of that situation. I'm not saying anyone has to be comfortable with it, but I am saying there's nothing wrong with it.

It's especially when it comes to aging up characters where I get confused. I've only seen this once, but...something along the lines of "if a pedophile said its okay I pretended they were 18". And imma just say that is not the same thing. The jump between thoughts regarding fictional characters and physical crimes committed against real children by adults is absolutely astronomical here. It's like saying if you write about killing people you might actually do it. Like...you're kidding. Or you're misguided. Or you never properly dealt with your own personal trauma and now you're making everyone's life hell.

Most importantly. My biggest problem with this line of thinking. It. Is. Fiction. There are no rules. You can do whatever you want and there are, and should never be, any limitations whatsoever. People on tumblr shouldn't be slammed for writing a sex scene between two minors when published content in a physical book you can hold in your hand is SO MUCH WORSE. Allow me to enlighten you.

"All the Ugly and Wonderful Things" by Bryn Greenwood is the best book I've read in probably the last five years. What is it about? A romantic relationship between a young girl and an adult man. Am I okay with that kind of relationship? Uh, no, not really. That didn't stop it from being a great book though, now did it?

"Flowers in the Attic" by VC Andrews is an incestuous romance including long term abuse. And it's one of the most memorable books of a generation. It was my mom's favorite book when she was growing up.

"Lolita" by Vladimir Nabokov is a classic novel about pedophilia. A classic. Novel. Does that make Nabokov a pedophile? No it does not. And it is still printed and distributed for a reason.

"120 Days of Sodom" by Marquis de Sade. Now, I'll give you this one. Pretty sure de Sade was a piece of human garbage. And this book? The most vile work of literature in existence. But you know what? It has every right to exist. Because art should know no limitations.

I do have other examples, but I think you probably get my point by now. You can write whatever you want and it is both legal and safe. Sometimes even celebrated. And just because you write about rape, murder, and pedophilia does not mean you would ever commit those acts or even consider it.

This is more like a PART 2.

Minors, do not interact. I only approve of this to an extent. Here's what I'm not okay with. Minors shouldn't be messaging people online and talking about sexual content. THAT is something an adult can get in legal trouble for. But the content creators of tumblr take it much further than that.

I see no reason minors shouldn't be allowed to follow blogs with sexual content, especially if they're of the age of consent (usually 16 in the US). That same minor can walk into a Barnes & Noble and purchase smut with their own money. That same minor can click on the PornHub link and have thousands of pronographic videos at their fingertips, unrestricted. And most importantly, consuming pornographic material is NOT going to hurt a minor. There is no reason they should grow up and regret it, nor should it have a negative impact on them early on.

On top of all that, people block blogs that just don't state their age in the bio. What if I don't want your nosey ass knowing how old I am? That's none of your business. You don't have to be out here looking out for the "safety" of other people.

In conclusion.

Do whatever you need to do to be comfortable with your online interactions, but make no mistake. There's nothing wrong with writing content about ANY illegal or illicit behavior and doing so does not indicate the author may commit a similar offense. There is also nothing illegal (or at least enforceable) about minors consuming pornographic content, nor is it an unhealthy practice.

Now, if you will excuse me, I will go back to screaming internally.

[bagheerita]

So I just finished Empire of Gold and need to gush about The Daevabad Trilogy for a minute.

(I try to be vague, but that's exactly when I up and hit you with low-key SPOILERS, so be aware.)

My rambling is only barely organized into the format of randomly selected topics in order to provide a vague outline for my outflowing of affection for each book.

CITY OF BRASS

Favorite character: Definitely Nahri. I love a woman who isn't afraid to go after what she wants, and boy howdy do I love me a pragmatist. AND do I love me a girl who can keep her head on her shoulders even when she's in-lust with man. As much as she is truly falling in love with Dara, she never forgets the way he looked at her when he thought she was shafit and his relief when Ghassan said she wasn't. She would have married him if he had offered I think, but she was smart enough to make him take the first step to cross the gap that his prejudice had put between them.

Most impressive thing: The way the author uses her narrator to tell a story that the narrative character doesn't always fully understand. This mostly comes through Ali's chapters at this point cause he's a little naive, but it's really skillfully done.

 KINGDOM OF COPPER

Least favorite thing: There are some moments that just felt... weirdly written. There's three big ones that come to mind...

At the beginning- the way the writing describes the environment. I'm paraphrasing because it's been a week since I read it and I don’t remember details, but it's like "the only sound in the graveyard was the distant sound of cats fighting" then, five minutes later "The only sound was the sound of coins jingling in her basket."  Like, where were those coins five minutes ago?! Also, why does an experienced thief put coins in a jingly basket that is easy to steal or drop instead of hiding them on her person??? (That's super nitpicky, but it was the first chapter, so I noticed it more.)

The second big moment that annoyed me was... okay so Dara learns that Muntadhir is bisexual through mind-reading powers that he's never previously demonstrated? I mean, there are enough clues about how he does it, and it makes sense to the character's history that he can sense peoples’ desires, but it felt weird that this is the only time we really see him use this power- here, as the inciting incident to the third act, where so much of the plot revolves around it. Dara already knew that Ghassan was planning to force Nahri to marry Muntadhir, they'd already talked about this, so I'm not sure what about Muntadhir being in a relationship with a man, as opposed to the multiple women he’s slept with this week, was enough to make this prospect so immediately repugnant that Dara goes absolutely stupid about it and incites the climax of the book.

Then there's the epilogue that basically just exists to point out what we already learned about Muntadhir and Jamshid. I thought that was kind of unnecessary, as no one in this epilogue scene, including the reader, doesn't already know about this relationship. Though the epilogue does also contain what I think was supposed to be foreshadowing, but which sent me off on a weird mental tangent where I spent most of the second book thinking Jamshid was the reincarnation of Rustam...

Favorite character: Muntadhir, hands down. There is one scene in particular, where he sasses Dara while dying of poison that is just my favorite scene in the entire book. I mean, I think part of my enjoyment was that I had been worried that he was about to be a victim of the Bury Your Gays trope, so when he shows back up still not dead I was so relieved to see him I literally squeeeed, and then he's bragging to Dara about something I explicitly know didn't happen, just actively involved in assassinating his own character because he has nothing else he can give to save his brother at that point except trying to distract Dara by enraging him... omg, do I love me some brotherly feels- my second favorite scene was the three siblings in a closet plotting a coup.

Least favorite thing: Dara lying to himself and justifying Manizheh's actions for the entire book. I get that the fact that he was lied to and betrayed by the people in power that he should have been able to trust is a big part of his arc, but I was not excited to have his POV added to this book just to have him and everyone around him spout off more prejudiced victim narrative bullshit every time I flipped to his chapters, like I wasn't getting enough of that from practically every other character in the story.

Most impressive thing: The author draws some really great parallels and contrasts between the 3 main characters and their journeys that I absolutely love. In chapter 2, Nahri says something like "Where's your sense of adventure?" to her new friend and then literally in the next chapter Ali says "Have you no sense of inquisitiveness?" to his new friend. (I don't like to call ships that early in the story, but I was like- these two are fated to be best friends if not something more.)  A bit later in the story, Dara is presented with a choice: to do the easy thing or to do the Right thing, and he chooses the easy path even though he knows that it's wrong. After this, Ali is presented with a choice: to do the easy thing or the Right thing, and he does the Right thing, even though he knows that it ultimately probably won't help. I just really love that this story always feels like every narrative POV and every chapter fully develops the character and contributes to the world. 

I also really love the twists and turns that Ali and Nahri’s relationship has taken over these first two books. They really have grown as individuals, and have believed the best and worst of each other, and understand each other in a way that is a great foundation for a truly lasting friendship (which is, of course, the best bedrock for building a more intimate relationship).

 EMPIRE OF GOLD

Favorite character: Sobek. I have a soft spot for unrepentant murderers who have a soft spot for the people they find interesting.

Least favorite thing: It ended? I know this book was long enough to be an entire trilogy on its own, but I would have loved more at the end from the side characters. Like, I want 100 more pages just about Jamshid and Muntadhir. I was explicit confirmation of what Zaynab and Aquisa are up to, and a sequel trilogy about their adventures. I want more about Fiza and what her plans are for the future. I want orchard shenanigans with Mishmish. I want more about Sudha and her family. I want more about Nahri conning everyone into making a functional government, and I want more about the trials of everyone in the city learning to not hate and judge as a first reflex. Just MORE!

Most impressive thing: Overall I was just impressed with this entire book. If I had to pick one thing, I would probably say I was most impressed, and pleasantly surprised, by Dara's ending. By this point in the story, I was certain that Dara had transgressed every transgression that it was possible to transgress, and lied to himself the entire way, only deciding upon the Right course of action when it was exactly 2 minutes too late, so I was prepared for him to find Redemption in Death. But once again I was pleasantly surprised at this story's refusal to follow popular story tropes, when it instead granted him true freedom as he perhaps had never known in his life, and the ability to choose who he would live that life in service of- choosing to help those who, like him, had been victims of the ifrit. 

I want more stories like this, about characters who are unforgivable, but who are forgiven- not by people or by those they have wronged, but by the narrative itself. Who are able and allowed to rededicate their lives to something, choosing to see their own actions and commit to helping people instead of just blindly following.

 OVERALL

Favorite character: I want to say Nahri, though I also really appreciate Ali and his quiet growth from being naive and kind of annoying to a man who is finally comfortable with and understands himself. But I think I’m going to have to choose Jamshid. I really like characters who are honest with themselves about their motivations, and I really admire his willingness to be open to change, to having his entire world and beliefs be turned upside down and try to go with the new way of being instead of holding on to the past, to confess his sins and be honest with Nahri, to believe in the people he knows rather than in what others say about them when Manizheh tries to manipulate him, to have been through everything he's been through and still retain a sense of humor and a generally upbeat personality.

The author does a good job of presenting all of the characters as fully rounded people so that there isn't really a character that I find poorly written. I definitely disagree with a lot of characters, and dislike them as individual people, and Manizheh comes the closest to being someone I truly hate, but you can see the paths that brought these people to be who they are. There are some great lines- where I think it's Nahri who notes that Ghassan's father make him like he was by his abuse, as he had twisted Manizheh  up with his own abuse, and that Muntadhir could have easily become just like his father. All people have the potential inside of them to be good or to be evil, and they are formed by the circumstances of their lives, the choices they make, and the power they give to the relationships they have.  I also loved that, once she learns the truth about her parents, Nahri notes how much of herself she gets from her Egyptian mother, just as much as she got her Nahid heritage from Rustam, and that it's a part of her that she can be proud of and celebrate.

 Most impressive thing: I don't like "realistic" fantasy, where lots of people die, because that tends to be an excuse for the book to just be really depressing. This story really surprised me by being realistic but in a way that was still full of hope. Sometimes people are terrible, or they are broken by the world and can no longer see anything beyond their pain, and a lot of the time the institutions we have created are terrible and are built on terrible things. But there is still always a need for people who do the right thing, who stand up for those who are being treated unfairly, who are willing to make sacrifices to break down the "us" and "them" that divides people. Who are willing to see change not as something to be feared but as a beautiful potential.

Least MOST favorite thing:  As Chakraborty herself notes in her afterward:  "There are days when it feels silly and selfish to spend my days crafting tales of monsters and magic. But I still believe, desperately, in the power of stories. If you take any message from this trilogy, I hope it is to choose what's right even when it seems hopeless - especially when it seems hopeless. Stand for justice, be a light, and remember what it is we were promised by the One who knows better.

“With every hardship comes ease."

I also believe in the power of stories, and I’m so excited to have been able to experience this one.  <3

[goddessofthundathighs]

X. REVELATION

Word Count: 2.9K

*taps mic* Is this thing on? Aight, I know I said that I’d update CS every 3-5 business months, but life happened for both me & @hearteyes-for-killmonger. Let me just tell y’all how many times I wanted to completely scrap this book, simply because for a second, I fell out of love with it. I also thought that you guys were no longer interested. For our loyal readers, thank you for sticking with us! This chapter is fairly short, but MAJOR progression is made!

It’s also late, so this is un-beta’d. Any errors will be corrected in the morning.

************

Skylar’s face turned up in a wide grin as O’Shea came downstairs with her latest flower arrangement. If Oya wasn’t good at anything else, she was a professional at wooing her. The bright yellow of the freshly picked sunflowers was a beautiful contrast to the deep red hue of the roses. She’d forgotten that she’d mentioned that they were her favorites.

“With love, from Bae,” O’Shea read teasingly, only making the smile on Skylar’s face stretch wider. “And again I ask, why aren’t the two of you officially a thing? The mutual attraction is obvious and I don’t think I’ve ever seen you smile this wide. Like you’re really flashing all 32 right now,” she asked, placing the vase on the corner of Sky’s desk.

“Because it’s not that easy, Shea. I have walls that need to be broken down and we both have issues that we need to work through. This is why SPT is so important. I have to understand exactly who I’m dealing with before we take things to the next level.”

O’Shea nodded. She hadn’t really thought about their situation like that. She’d just assumed that Sky was still working through ridding herself of Monica and was afraid of being heartbroken again.

“I’ve been meaning to ask about that. So is she Erik’s client now?”

“Yes. He’ll be her official therapist and draw up our plan of action as far as treatment.”

“Why does she feel like she needs treatment? She doesn’t seem to struggle sexually.”

“Looks can be deceiving, Shea. Behavior is also an indication that there may be underlying issues. Most of the clients that Erik and I treat are fully functioning. Look at you, for example.” Shea pulls a face. It was entirely too early in the workday for Skylar to be coming for her edges. She hadn’t even finished her acai breakfast bowl. “Aye, we not talking about me,” she fussed, placing her hands on her hips.

“But you fit the example. Personally, I think her excessive need to be sexual is a cover for something deeper, I just have to get her to tell me what it is.”

Sky couldn’t deny the soft spot she had for Oya. Even if things didn’t work out on the personal side of their relationship, she still cared for her and wanted to ensure she received the best treatment. Regardless of past situations, everybody deserved to be loved and accepted for who they truly are.

**

A pregnant silence engulfed Erik’s office as Oya and Skylar waited for him to speak. For the last 45 minutes he had been busy typing away at his computer, only pausing briefly to think before starting again. Once finished, he leans back in the Italian leather chair, stroking his beard as he gives the therapy plan a final onceover.

“Alright, before we begin, we first need to get to the root of the problem. Oya, why do you feel you need SPT and what do you hope to gain from it, other than my business partner as a mate?”

Ouch.

Oya recoiled slightly at his brashness. She hadn’t expected to be put on front street so quickly, nor was she prepared to discuss her history so soon. She suddenly felt bare, like she had been stripped of all of her clothing in front of a crowded high school auditorium and her anxiety was spiking. Skylar took notice of how withdrawn she’d become and placed a comforting hand on her thigh.

“It’s okay, Oya. You don’t have to explain in detail just yet, we just need a general idea of what we’re dealing with so that we approach it in the best way,” Skylar explained, the gentleness of her voice causing Oya to return her soft smile.

While she knew that there wasn’t a logical reason to be afraid of Erik or his opinion, her brain had been conditioned to be critical of men ever since that fateful night in her uncle’s basement. Still, having Skylar there was comforting. Her presence made it easier to generate a Spark Notes version of her past.

“I was abused and shunned as a child and as a result, became overtly sexual. While I know that sex can’t fill the void that was left from that experience, it’s the only way to silence the voices in my head. I started looking into SPT because I saw that abuse survivors can benefit from it.”

Erik’s face softened from its usual hard line. While he’d assumed this girl had been through the ringer, his mind couldn’t begin to fathom just how deep her trauma ran.

“Here’s what we’ll do,” he started. “Since it’s obvious that you’re a lot more comfortable speaking to Sky about this, how about the two of you do dinner. If not tonight, then later this week. During dinner, Oya, I need you to be as transparent as possible. I need you to go into full detail of what happened and then Skylar will report back to me. The two of us will formulate a comprehensive 8-week therapy plan, which will be implemented starting next week. Are you okay with doing this?”

Oya nodded, finally allowing herself to completely relax.

“We’re gonna get you right, Ms. Ramirez. Over the next 8 weeks you’ll watch yourself become a new woman, I guarantee it,” Erik smiles, offering her his hand to shake.

She accepts the invitation, returning his smile in the most infectious way before turning to Skylar.

“I know SPT doesn’t always require sex, but we can still implement some BDSM therapy, right?”

Sky laughs in response. Leave it to Oya to bring sexual humor into an otherwise serious situation.

“Baby steps, Ms. Ramirez.”

**

Oya's salmon arrived on the table and she licked her chops, having been out all day without eating. Why Sky had inquired about her level of hunger, Oya stated that her radiant smile was enough to fill her, however, the angry cry of her stomach told a different tale.

The pair opted for a Friday evening dinner, an excuse for Skylar to have a drink or two and not worry about having to work the following day. She sips her Hendricks and tonic slowly, savoring the crisp taste of the cucumbers she requested be added to the concoction.

Oya slammed face first into her plate effectively scaring the shit out of Sky who was currently rethinking a few things in regard to diet based on Oya's uncouth and grizzly attack on her fish. 

"Well. She eats fish like I eat pussy," Sky sighed, brushing it off. Still, she found herself keeping her eyes down to her own plate.

"I wasn't that hungry," Oya belched, wiping her mouth with her stained paper napkin. "I'll take another one still."

After her second fish, Sky was appalled at the way Oya had violated those salmon. She decided that she would also train Oya to eat like a human being and they would practice on a sushi date, since they require smaller bites.

“Alright fish murderer,” Sky finally chirps. “You’ve avoided the inevitable long enough, it’s time to talk.” Oya lifts her head slowly, much like a dog who has just been scolded for peeing on fresh carpet.

“Do we really have to talk about this? Like is it honestly necessary?”

“Yes, Oya. With all due respect, we can’t treat you if we don’t know what we’re treating. You gotta give us something.”

“I gave you something earlier,” she snaps defensively.

“Yes, but that’s not enough. There are several forms of abuse, Oya. Just saying you were abused doesn’t really tell us anything. We can’t use verbal abuse treatment methods to treat a victim of physical abuse. You understand that, right?” Sky asks incredulously.

Oya pinches the bridge of her nose in annoyance. She was beginning to regret even bringing up the whole thing. While she thought she was ready to expose this part of her life, fear and her anxiety were getting the best of her. She was beginning to close up again.

Just tell her, her psyche coaxes. 

“I was raped by my mother’s brother when I was ten. It happened nearly everyday for 6 months. It took everything in me to say something to my mother about it, but when I finally did, she accused me of lying.”

A lone tear slid down Oya’s cheek at the memory.

“From that point on, I haven’t been able to trust or fully commit to a man. Which is why I couldn’t talk to Dr. Stevens earlier. I know he means well, but --”

“It’s a work in progress, I understand,” Skylar interjects.

“To this day, she refuses to acknowledge what that man did to me, even though he’s currently serving a 20-year prison sentence for pedophilia. From that point on, sex was my escape. I know it sounds oxymoronic, but it helped fill the void and silence the pain. Even if the gratification was short lived.

Skylar takes her hand, offering a napkin to wipe the fresh tears that slid down her face.

“I think we should start slow. I’ll get with Erik, but I feel like our first few sessions should be meditation and sensate focus. I want you to be comfortable with touching and being touched in a nonsexual manner before we move onto more advanced methods. Are you ok with that?”

“I think so,” Oya admits. “I’ve been using sex to run from my demons for majority of my life. I don’t want to hide anymore.”

“And when this is all over, you won’t have to,” Skylar smiles.

“I still wanna be your sex slave at some point, though,” Oya jokes.

“Check please!” Sky laughs.

**

After several back and forth debates as to where the session should be held, the doctors finally decided that Oya’s house would be best.

“It’s somewhere that she feels comfortable, and therefore, it should be easier for her to open up,” Erik said once the final decision was made. Sky nods her agreement, texting Oya to alert her of the plan.

Sky: Instead of coming to my office, we’ll be doing the session at your house. Is that ok?

Oya: Ooh, I get the good doctor all to myself. Say less. Here’s my address

Skylar chuckles at her eagerness, adding the address to her Maps app for later access.

“She seems excited,” she tells Erik, pocketing her phone.

“For now,” he says, sliding a manila folder towards her. “She’s flighty, so her nervousness can come back at any moment. Make sure you keep her relaxed the entire time.”

“Why you talking to me like she’s my first patient?”

“Just making sure your head is in the right place. You’re typically behind the scenes. Patients like Oya can be tricky.”

“I got this, dad,” Sky groans, swinging her bag over her shoulder as she stands to leave.

“You better stop. You ain’t called a nigga Daddy in a minute, Nola.” 

“Goodbye, Stevens! I’ll let you know how things go.”

“Text me. I promised the baby brat we’d go to the carnival later. She’s been dying for a funnel cake and a new stuffie.”

“Aww, how sweet,” Sky beams, armed with new ammunition to tease Shea with once they were back in the office. After reading through the therapy plan for herself, she rests the folder and her bag in the passenger seat and heads home. She would need the rest of the night to prepare for the next day’s session.

**

The California sun beamed brightly as Skylar made her way to Oya’s apartment. It was a beautiful three bedroom, three bath unit in Playa Vista, not far from the beach. Skylar was immediately drawn to the brightness of the space, the white walls with soft marble and gold accents adding to the feminine charm.

“I was thinking we could do this in my meditation room,” Oya said once Sky was done with her exploration.

“Ooh meditation room,” Skylar squealed, following her into what would become her favorite room in the entire unit. Behind the curtain of strung selenite crystals lay a spiritual oasis. Two black Buddah statues sat on both sides of the entrance while pink, orange, and yellow pillows decorated the floor. They looked to be from Bali or some other spiritual region. On the east and western walls were sun and moon appliques, subtle nods to the orishas Yemoja and Oshun, while chakra posters and decorations line the southern wall. On an inverted bookshelf near the front facing wall lay her crystals, sage, and a small altar Sky could tell had been used recently.

“Okay, I already loved the rest of the house, but this room is a whole vibe,” Skylar compliments, pulling out her notebook and video camera. “It’s standard practice that these sessions are recorded, but if you’re uncomfortable being on film, I have a tape recorder.”

“No, the camera is fine,” Oya assured, taking a seat on the pink pillow. She sat Indian style with her palms resting on her knees. Skylar placed her camera between two rose quartz cathedrals, taking a few test shots to ensure the angle was perfect. Once done, she mimicked Oya’s stance on the yellow pillow across from her.

“It is the third day of March and the time is 3:33 pm,” Skylar says, beginning the recording.

“I see you, Universe,” Oya muses to herself, allowing herself to be consumed by the feeling of divine protection.

“We’re going to start with simple breathing exercises to get you relaxed and comfortable, okay?” Oya nods in response. “First I need you to sit up straight, but keep your shoulders and neck relaxed.”

Oya complies, rolling her neck to the sides to release some apparent tension.

“Now, close your eyes and visualize your happy place. It could be the beach or your bed, just wherever makes you feel the happiest,” Sky instructs, doing the same. “Now, breathe in deep through your nose, hold it for about five seconds, then release through your mouth.”

The two repeat these steps about five times before Oya is finally allowed to open her eyes. Skylar makes note of the sated look in her eyes.

“How do you feel?” she asks softly.

“Surprisingly, I feel really good. I do breathing exercises often, but I don’t think I’ve ever been this relaxed before.” “Good, that’s what we want. Now, we’ll move into sensate touching. I’ll need you to remove your jewelry and as much clothing as you’re comfortable with.”

Oya’s face turns up into a sly smirk.

“Are you getting fresh with me, Dr. Greene,” she teases, slowly removing the white Nike crop top.

Sky chuckles before answering.

“Quite the opposite, Ms. Ramirez. In sensate touching, participants are typically nude and free from jewelry. The method we’ll be practicing this afternoon is non-genital sensate touching, which means that I will touch every single part of your body except your breasts and your vagina. While sensate touching may cause arousal, it is important that you remain professional and focus only on your own sensations while being touched, understood?” 

“Aye, aye, captain,” Oya responds, saluting for emphasis. This makes Skylar giggle.

“I can already tell you’re not going to make this easy for me, Ms. Ramirez.” “I promise to be a good girl, Dr. Greene. You have my word.”

“Alright. This first session will be strictly me touching you with my hands. If this goes well, then we can introduce other elements, such as feathers, scarves, and even oils. If at any point you feel uncomfortable or sleepy, let me know and we can continue another time.”

“I’m not allowed to fall asleep?” Oya questions.

“No. It’s important that you remain awake and conscious through the entire experience,” Sky responds, positioning herself behind Oya. Slowly and deliberately, Skylar rubs her hands up Oya’s arms, starting with just her palms. She moves up to her shoulders and neck, alternating between firm and subtle pressure to the pressure points there.

“Mmm,” Oya moans softly. “You should consider massage therapy,” she coos, allowing her head to fall slightly.

“You think so?” Sky asks with a grin. “Yes ma’am. Your touch is very relaxing, Dr. Greene,” Oya shudders as Skylar’s fingertips dance up and down her back.

“Well I’m glad you think so, Ms. Ramirez.”

The session continues for exactly 33 minutes before Oya’s eyes start to droop. “Okay, I think we need to stop, otherwise, I’m gonna be asleep in your arms,” Oya says, her voice audibly more soft and relaxed than when they first began.

Skylar shuts the camera off and makes a few more notes in her notebook before putting her things away. Without thinking, she sits down beside Oya, pulling her so that she was cradled against her supple bosom.

“I don’t think I’d object to that much,” she beams.

Oya bites her lip softly before staring up into Sky’s big green eyes. She could see herself getting lost in them for days.

“You think you’re capable of fixing me? I’m damaged goods, Dr. Greene.” Her voice came out just above a whisper, her tone laced with vulnerability. Skylar smoothed her hair, tucking a stray curl behind her ear before delivering her heartfelt response. 

“A smushed Reese’s cup is still a Reese’s cup, Ms. Ramirez. And I happen to really like Reese’s cups.”

Oya’s smile spread across her whole face, a soft twinkle dancing in her eyes.

“I’ll be your Reese’s cup.”

**

@vikkidc @thadelightfulone @sydneebleu @blktinkerbell @madamslayyy @chaneajoyyy @jozigrrl @thehomierobbstark @ @iamrheaspeaks @mareethequeen @forbeautyandlife @whatmoredoyouwantamericaa @blowmymbackout @wakanda-inspired @yaachtynoboat711 @nickidub718 @heyauntieeee @princessstevens @bakarilennox @xaviera108 @alexundefined @raysunshine78 @dameshaemonique @laketaj24 @youreadthatright @theogbadbitch @bugngiz @amirra88 @post-woke @im5ftbutmythroat66 @blackpinup22 @maya-leche @blessyd-bthyname @unholyxcumbucket @eclecticblkgirl @kissmyafropuff @rick-sosa @jennajai @allhailqueennel @killmongersbaby @eye-raq @thickemadame @soulfulbeauty19 -

[mermaidsirennikita]

That succession finale omg!! tell me all of your thoughts!

UGH YES OKAY.

I think it was SO GOOD first off.  

People are kind of deluded, in my opinion, if they think this was all some Grand Master Plan of Logan’s.  Firstly, he is definitely kind of proud of Kendall and has more respect for him at the end.  Kendall may jumped out as the potential successor, even if his resentment will override his logic and he won’t move forward with it.  (Conventional wisdom, and Roman’s showing in the finale, would say that s3 will be the season of Roman+Gerri.)  But people vastly overestimate Logan’s abilities and see this show as like, a Game of Thrones type piece in which everyone is trying to outmaneuver each other in chess.  No.  Logan is a good businessman, and he is smart, but this season more than ever has hammered home that he needs to step down.  He is overly protective of himself; he would have looked better had he just copped to his own issues and stepped down willingly.  He showed real fear after that phone call in which he was told to step down, and there was no one for him to act for there.  He’s an old man, outdated yet still in power, which is one of those things the show is trying to make a point about.  I feel that Logan thought that Kendall was past his sell-by point; he’d given him chances to bite the hand, but he hadn’t...  So he assumed that he wouldn’t.  There’s no way Logan knew that Greg would flip with the documents.  

But all of this has been seeded.  I don’t think Kendall had a master plan; I think that he decided to snap in the moment as he realized that this accidental killing he’d been wracked with guilt over never mattered to his father.  His father would literally not respect him unless he became an even worse human being, and Kendall has been trying to be BE A BETTER PERSON lmao.  So he went all in.  You want me to be a killer?  CHILL.  His metaphorical deliberate murder of his father paralleled, of course, his literal accidental killing of an innocent.  I also feel that when we saw Kendall beg Shiv to look out for him, that seeded it to.  That was his one request, and she would have been smart to keep him on her side--he has value.  Shiv’s fatal flaw is that she deludes herself into thinking that she’s sO DIFFERENT, so much smarter than her “dumb brothers”, but she’s not.  All the Roy kids have their strengths and weaknesses and probably work better together a a cohesive unit, as seen when Shiv and Kendall teamed up to make Rhea look bad.  But Shiv wanted to keep Tom close, as he was slipping away, more than she wanted to keep her brother, someone who is much more potentially dangerous, in the fold.  Tom would have taken the hit and walked away.  In fact, I think it would have borderline been something of a relief for him to have an excuse to leave.  Shiv knew that, and in a sick way she does love him--though I also think that it’s about control, about needed that “safe” person with her. Tom has so much less power than Shiv, and she likes that.  Shiv’s downfall of the season was in this blunder, and in the fact that she revealed herself to be a daddy’s girl through and through.  Please save him, getting all emotional right before Kendall motherfucking axed her lol.  Her downfall was not as dramatic as his, but when you see her watching Logan, you know that he couldn’t be less impressed with her in that moment, and more comparatively impressed with Kendall.

We also, of course, had everything seeded with Greg.  Greg is a somewhat normal-ish person still, and he can see, like any outside person can, that Kendall is being abused in the worst way by Logan.  I think he could also see that Logan was probably going to feed him to the wolves, and almost did...  Whereas if he gets in good with Kendall from the start, he may have more longevity.  Now, I am a believer that Greg will Bran Stark this shit and win the long term, but I’ve also thought that a beautifully complete arc would be Kendall shadow mastering Greg’s reign on a level.  Like, for whatever reason he can’t be the public face, but he’s lost his soul completely and is maneuvering shit from behind the scenes for Greg.  Similar to Logan with Kendall, tbh.  This only solidified this being a possibility, which I loved.  Kendall knows that Greg has the documents; Kendall has also, intentionally or not, done things over the season to draw Greg in.  He may have thrown Gatsby parties in Greg’s penthouse, but he’s still casually letting him stay there.  He and Greg probably do coke together now lol.  It lines up.

I’m excited to see where Roman goes.  He’s fully with Gerri now--I was impressed to see him throw down the gauntlet for her, which I didn’t fully expect.  Roman is still too close to his father, and too vulnerable, to really have that “killer instinct”.  I think that he’s a creative guy, a big picture guy.  The interesting thing too is that he is the only one who really stood up for Kendall--which BROKE ME, those two really do love each other--but Kendall kinda fucked him, and knew he would, I think, as Roman pushed against “killing” him.  Roman just got a promotion from Logan, and he’s more in this company now than ever, just as Kendall puts a dagger in its heart.  So though Kieran gives Roman a bit of a smile as Kendall flips, it’s bittersweet.  He’s happy that his big brother DID SOMETHING, and deep down all the Roy kids know their father deserves it.   But they’ll be adversaries on the business end of things, for sure.

Other little things--beautiful moment between Shiv and Tom as he expressed how little her love really made him happy.  It’s toxic.  He’s a pet to her.  She’s leaning on him, he’s a crutch, but she doesn’t care for him.  A lot of people don’t seem to realize how abusive their relationship is, and Tom finally called that out.  “You told me you wanted an open relationship on our fucking WEDDING NIGHT”.  That was so calculated and emotionally abusive.  Matthew was amazing with his material in this episode.

Marcia really is fucking pissed, huh?

I really have no idea where Kendall goes from here.  The show has opened the door for a lot of possibilities.

Shiv could definitely rise from the ashes, like Kendall, but this was a huge blow of an episode for her in a way I don’t think people get.  Like.  She basically looks like a clown in front of her father right now, and is very much in his power.  But what does his power even mean anymore?  She backed the horse that got shot crossing the finish line, too--what now?

[pollylynn]

“How about we skip the macho fantasy?”

—Laura, Headhunters (4 x 21)

Title: Parley

Rating: T

WC: 1100

A/N: This was an alternate for the Headhunters installment of Dialogic that I had hanging around.

For a man who is barely speaking to her, there are signs of Richard Castle everywhere. His handwriting shows up in documentary snapshots of various iterations of the murder board for the case they’re going to trial with. It’s on post-its and scrap-paper notes stapled to forms and tucked into folders.

His name is on crime scene sign-in sheets and interview write-ups and reports in her own voice, in Ryan’s, in Esposito’s. It’s on everyone’s lips in whispers as she leaves the break room, in a shout across the bullpen from the more clueless among them: Hey, where’s Castle? What’s Castle up to? Did I see Castle with . . .? Hey, Beckett, what the hell’s Castle thinking?

He’s everywhere, and she swings miserably between angry about it and unbearably sad. She goes quiet in the face of Esposito’s abuse of the man, and quieter still at his ham-fisted attempts to get her to spill her guts about their sudden estrangement or whatever it is. She’s far sharper than she needs to be—than she should be—with Ryan when he . . . wants to report Castle to the principal for being mean or something.

She’s had enough. She’s tried to talk it out in therapy. She’s tried to redirect her thoughts toward what she can, will, should do, not what he does, has done, keeps on doing, but none of it really helps. She’s had enough of his handwriting, his name, and the way he’s omnipresent in his absence. She’s had beyond enough of traversing her own emotional terrain over this—over him. She knows every inch of it.

At least she thinks so until Martha shows up.

She sees her from a distance. His mother. She stops to chat with Ryan, giving him a warm smile and sharing some brief, intense bit of chat that ends in laughter for both of them. The extended moment gives Kate ample time to make a study of Martha from the vantage point of the work room.

She’s in royal blue with a blouse of shimmering forest green fabric beneath a slim-fitting jacket. The color combination shouldn’t work with the styling and fit, especially with the scarf, wildly patterned in different colors entirely, that she has knotted jauntily around her neck. But it does work. For Martha, of course it works.

What catches Kate’s attention, though—what strikes something like fear into her heart—is how relatively subdued the ensemble is. With the blank expanses of solid color it almost looks like she’s in mourning. Kate watches as her fingers tug at the knot of the scarf and her small talk with Ryan clearly draws to a close. She unwinds the silk expanse of it and pulls it free, intensifying the severe effect of skirt suit’s tailored lines.

“Detective.” Martha turns, every trace of a smile vacating her face, before Kate announces herself—before she even realizes that she’s somehow crept closer. “I was hoping I might have a word.”

“Martha.” Kate’s tone sounds sullen to her own ears. It sounds stupid and childish, but the chilly demeanor hurts coming from this woman who has been warm and effusive and welcoming for years. She makes a formal gesture toward the work room, trying to course correct, trying to win back some measure of control. “Yes, of course.”

“I won’t take too much of your time,” Martha says as she sets her purse aside and peels off her gloves, finger-by-finger. She regards the table crowded with boxes and the stacks of paper, piled high as though she’s glad of the looming excuse to keep things brief. “Obviously you’re busy.”

“Well, you know,” Kate says, feeling reduced to something limp and uncertain all over again. “What can I do for you, Martha?”

“You can keep Richard from getting himself killed,” Martha replies as she slaps her gloves down beside her bag.

“Killed?” Kate tries to find some middle ground between laughing it off and laughing at the woman herself. “Detective Slaughter is—”

“A lunatic,” Martha interrupts. “We both understand that.”

“Yes,” Kate shoots back, her hackles rising at last. “And we all have tried to make Castle—

“Richard ‘understands’ this awful man as well as either of us does.” She makes air quotes. “I am not asking you to make him understand the fact that he’s in danger, I’m asking you to get him out of it.”

“I don’t think I can.” Her eyes drop to the floor. They land on a yellow post-it on the top of the stack of paper at her feet. On his handwriting, of course. “He won’t listen.”

“He won’t listen,” Martha repeats, her voice flat and damning. “Yes. I imagine that’s what Richard told your father. And your Captain. That you wouldn’t listen to a word he said.” She takes up her gloves. She takes up her bag and the wildly patterned, fluttering length of her scarf. “And yet, he tried.” The corners of her mouth twitch. Her eyes glint in the harsh fluorescent light of the work room. Kate isn’t sure which of them the moment is worse for. “He tried to save you from yourself, and if you have ever—ever—had a shred of feeling for my son, Detective Beckett, you’ll find it somewhere in yourself to do as much for him.”

She’s gone then. Before Kate can so much as form a coherent thought, let alone ask any one of the flood of questions welling up in her, the woman is gone as absolutely as if she had never been there.

Your father. Your Captain.

The words turn cartwheels in her head. She is mystified, mortified, stupefied and simultaneously sure exactly what, when, where Martha is talking about, at least as far as that part is concerned. Your father. Your Captain. She wants to lay her head down and not lift it again until . . . she doesn’t know when. Until she can make sense of it—the then.

But she has to deal with the now. Martha is right about that. She has to deal with what she should, can, will do.

“Ryan,” she calls out. Her voice is sharp enough to snap the young detective to her like he’s on a string. “Whatever you were doing for Castle just now—”

“I’m not—” He blushes six shades of red and his eyes skitter along the wall just above her shoulder.

“Save it,” she snaps. “I want to see whatever it is. I want to know exactly what Slaughter’s gotten him into and how we’re going to get him out of it.”

[commentaryvorg]

Danganronpa V3 Commentary: Part 3.10

Be aware that this is not a blind playthrough! This will contain spoilers for the entire game, regardless of the part of the game I’m commenting on. A major focus of this commentary is to talk about all of the hints and foreshadowing of events that are going to happen and facts that are going to be revealed in the future of the story. It is emphatically not intended for someone experiencing the game for their first time.

Last time, as chapter 3’s trial reached its, uh, “climax”, the usually-irrelevant intermission contained delightful foreshadowing, Tenko finally posthumously got through to Himiko for good, Keebo did not remotely singlehandedly save everyone oh my god, and everything was kind of boringly predictable because Kiyo is the worst. (You can tell how relatively bored I was from the fact that Kaito wasn’t even relevant enough for me to have a reason to mention him in this summary bit, until I did so just now anyway. 

Now for Kiyo to continue to be the worst in the post-trial wrap-up until we can be rid of him for good.

Monokuma:  “Wow! Seriously!? You’re correct again!”

Don’t sound so surprised, Monokuma. This one was boringly obvious.

Himiko:  “I haven’t… heard his answer yet. Kiyo… why? Why did you kill Angie and Tenko?”

Ugh. I totally get Himiko wanting answers to get herself some closure, but knowing the reason Kiyo did it isn’t going to make anything better at all.

Tsumugi:  “Did your motive have something to do with the transfer student who was resurrected? Even if it did, though… How did that trigger a murder?”

That sure is a good fucking question now, isn’t it, Tsumugi?

Kiyo:  “Because we’re friends, I’ll tell you…”

NONE OF US ARE FRIENDS WITH YOU. FUCK OFF.

Okay, Kiyo does not deserve Moon on the Water, aka the BGM piece that is presumably named that as a reference to Clair de Lune, for his goddamn backstory.

Kaito:  “So to see this lover of yours, you had to escape…”

Kaito is trying to fit his mental picture of Kiyo’s character into someone who had somewhat sympathetic reasons for doing this. Even after learning he killed two people and seeing him show no remorse, Kaito’s giving him the benefit of the doubt and trying to understand him instead of just writing him off as a bad person. Kaito is so good.

Kiyo:  “The one I love is… inside.”

Shuichi:  (Inside?)

…

Maki:  “…Is it really one of us?”

Not sure why it isn’t immediately obvious to everyone that the person he’s talking about is his other personality who began to show up towards the end of the trial.

Kiyo:  “That is why… for my beloved sister… I had to—”

Kaito:  “Y-You had to escape from here, right?”

Kaito is still trying to understand and see Kiyo as someone vaguely reasonable! I’m sorry, Kaito, but you should just give up on this asshole. He isn’t worth your time.

Kiyo:  “Even if I could be her little brother and her lover, I couldn’t be her friend.”

THIS IS ABSOLUTE BULLSHIT, by the way. Of course you can be those things and also someone’s friend! If you are those things with someone without even being friends, then your relationship is shallow as fuck and doesn’t mean anything.

I could maybe sort of slightly kind of sympathise with Kiyo’s grief at losing his sister driving him to madness like this if his relationship with her was presented as a genuine, touching relationship. But instead they just shove in this unnecessary incest angle and present it like it’s all about all the sex they had and apparently they didn’t even care about each other platonically and I just… ugh. Why.

(I can sort of see that there could be an argument here that Kiyo’s sister was actually abusive and manipulating him and that’s meant to be the point, but, eh. I just don’t personally care enough about Kiyo to think thoroughly about how much sense that may or may not make.)

Kiyo:  “For Sister’s sake… I’ve killed many! To send her 100 friends!”

I should also add that, even accepting the fact that Kiyo truly believes spirits exist, this is still a ridiculous motive. First off, if his sister’s spirit is inside him, then how would all of the people he’s killed even be able to meet her and become her friend? Second, and far more importantly, how in the fuck does he think any of the girls he’s killed would want to become friends with someone whose brother murdered them and tore them away from their own still-living friends just to make them befriend someone they’ve never met and have no reason to care about? That’s not how friendship works, what the actual fuck. Kiyo is the absolute fucking worst and I don’t understand why the writers thought this was a remotely good character to include in this story.

Kiyo’s sister:  “That’s wonderful, Korekiyo. Your love made the impossible, possible.”

NO. SHUT UP. YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO SAY THOSE WORDS.

Kaito:  “A-Are you… serious!? Is this… really a spirit!?”

Aaand Kaito’s given up on understanding him. Though I think he probably would have done so by now even if he didn’t happen to have a phobia about this.

Maki:  “He’s just delusional…”

Kiyo’s sister:  “Hmhmhm… What a sad girl who can’t even believe in the power of love…”

Maki:  “…”

…Ugh. The writers probably intend this to be foreshadowing, given the romantic feelings towards Kaito that Maki is going to develop. As if they’re saying that she was so cold and closed-off from everyone because she didn’t understand romantic love, and her opening up and becoming more trusting and co-operative towards everyone is all due to the power of the romantic love she awakens to! Which is absolute bullshit, because that happens due to the friendship and trust she feels for Kaito and Shuichi, and while the romantic feelings are also there and also contributing, they are absolutely emphatically not the main factor, and most of this story’s writing is able to understand and appreciate that.

Kokichi:  “You said you killed a lot already, right? So it wasn’t just the two you killed here?”

Himiko:  “Wh-What?”

Kokichi:  “Nee-heehee… Seems like he was already crazy before he got here…”

Yes, and that’s exactly why this is such a terrible case! One of the main draws of a Danganronpa game is seeing what it takes to drive an otherwise decent person to murder. If a case’s culprit was already a serial killer in the first place, then it completely defeats the entire fucking point! Why would you even have this?!

…Though I should point out that the wording of Kokichi’s line here implies he’s aware of the notion that being stuck in here can drive a person crazy, which might be him subtly referring to what being in here has done to him, while not remotely admitting it to himself, of course.

Kiyo:  “I spent my time evaluating all the girls here… And besides Maki and Miu, they were all worthy!”

Well then you can’t be very good at evaluating people, because if you were a good judge of character you’d have been able to tell that Maki is a good person too. What, is your problem with her that she’s killed people?

Himiko:  “Then… the second victim… could’ve been me? Tenko… died in place of me?”

Ugh, let’s just heap even more survivor’s guilt onto poor Himiko, shall we? This sucks for her so damn much.

Kiyo:  “Her noble, earnest heart made her a perfect friend for Sister.”

Yeah, and if Tenko’s spirit actually does exist, then her noble, earnest heart is also exactly why she would absolutely fucking refuse to become friends with someone whose degenerate brother murdered her, oh my god.

Kiyo:  “Though… I was planning on having you become Sister’s friend too… eventually.”

Does it work if someone else kills them? He can’t possibly see it that way, or else there’d be no point killing people himself. So, no, he couldn’t have been planning on that, because if he got away with it in the class trial then everyone else would have been killed by Monokuma and not him.

Kokichi:  “You were interested in The Caged Child just so you could use it to kill someone, right?”

Kiyo:  “It interested me as an anthropologist, of course. But more than that…”

See, on my first time through I somewhat suspected that the entire seance was just something Kiyo made up to have an excuse to use it for his murder plan, since all of the details were just way too convenient. But then there’s this here, which confirms that Kiyo believes it was a genuine thing, when he has no reason to lie any more. So instead it’s just way too convenient because Tsumugi is kind of a lazy writer (especially in this chapter).

Kaito:  “…”

Shuichi:  “Kaito, are you okay? You look… kinda pale…”

Kaito:  “D-Don’t worry about it… Let’s focus on Kiyo right now.”

Hang in there, Kaito, this spirit bullshit is almost over. I enjoy Shuichi noticing and being concerned even though Kaito really isn’t the focus right now. And Kaito continuing to insist that they shouldn’t worry about him, of course.

Kiyo:  “I did not plan to kill both of them. I knew I would have plenty of chances after escaping this place.”

No, you wouldn’t! They would already be dead if you escaped! Did you not read the fucking rules or something?

Himiko:  “It’s not fair! Why did Angie and Tenko have to die for something so unfair!?”

Right? This is so fucking unfair. I mean, the killing game is unfair in general, but this one just takes the cake. It’s so pointless.

Monokuma:  “Why do you think news stations get such high ratings when they’re reporting about death? Because… everyone likes unfair deaths.”

As someone who is basically in the same position as the in-universe audience to your killing game that you’re secretly referring to, I sure fucking don’t when it’s only unfair because it’s narratively meaningless, Monokuma!

Kokichi:  “Well if you look at it like that, this whole killing game embodies that philosophy, right? Gifted high school students forced to play a killing game… Man! If people were watching this, they would get a kick out of it!”

Yeah, Kokichi’s not even being subtle about having figured that out by now. The fact that he definitely knows by this point that this is being watched is going to be extremely important going into next chapter.

Also, it sure would be nice if he actually told everyone, “hey by the way I’m certain that this game is being shown to people for entertainment, maybe we could use that knowledge to our advantage to escape,” instead of just hinting about it. Buuut of course not.

Kokichi:  “Hell yeah! If I wasn’t in this killing game, I would have so much fun watching!”

That I can believe, even if there’s no real fourth wall and actual people were dying. It’s all good so long as nothing bad’s happening to him.

(He is also very indirectly implying here that he’s not having fun because he’s part of it. Which makes his statement that he’d enjoy it if he was just watching it more likely to be the truth, since this isn’t part of his lie to himself.)

Kiyo:  “As your friend, I will watch over you!”

YOU’RE NOT OUR FRIEND SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU HAVE NO FUCKING CLUE HOW FRIENDSHIP WORKS

I’m weirdly fond of the taiko drum elements in Kiyo’s execution music.

I should, uh, probably also talk about the part in the execution with the spirits. I still don’t buy that spirits actually exist in this universe which is otherwise very sci-fi-focused, what with Flashback Lights and robots and such. So my interpretation is that everything from the moment Kiyo’s “spirit” appears is just special effects, to let the in-universe audience see Kiyo getting the karmic retribution that most executions usually have. (Plus, even if Kiyo’s spirit were real, his sister’s spirit would still have to be somehow faked, since his sister never existed.) It would be satisfying to think that Kiyo actually experienced getting melted with salt by his sister’s spirit and spent his last conscious moments in despair instead of thinking he was going to meet her, but, no, I believe he just straight-up died and that was it for him.

Monokuma:  “I’m gonna take back this here Necronomicon. Seems like a waste, though. You guys sure you don’t wanna use it?”

Even if it would have worked, I still don’t see how it would have been a motive. Especially now, now that Kiyo’s dead and nobody else is going to try and propose a murder-seance if the resurrection doesn’t work. Maybe that’s why Monokuma takes it away now.

Kaito:  “Sh-Shut up! How long are you gonna keep talking about that?”

Maki:  “Ignore him. The whole resurrection ritual is obviously a lie. He’s just trying to shake us mentally to get us to panic.”

…Well, mostly to get Kaito to panic. Good thing Monokuma seems to have finally decided there’s no point doing that any more.

Kaito:  “What people believe in is up to them, but… Living people shouldn’t have to suffer because of the dead! The living are more precious than the dead! No matter what!”

Putting aside the fact that Kaito obviously doesn’t like thinking about the dead as still being “alive” in some sense because it creeps him out, this is along similar lines to what he said at the end of the second trial, about how life is infinitely valuable and living things should never be ashamed of wanting to live. Of course he would think of those who are still capable of living as being worth more than those who sadly can’t anymore. He’s not just saying this because of his phobia.

Maki:  “…That’s not something a coward like you should say.”

Kaito:  “Sh-Shut up… Leave me alone.”

Apparently Kaito has finally reached the point of not even trying to deny his phobia and just wishing Maki would stop teasing him about it. Which really, you should, Maki. You’re just making him beat himself up even more over something that isn’t his fault.

Shuichi:  “Well, that’s why we have to work together, right? Face it together. Our Ultimate talents are the best weapons we have.”

Mostly yours, though, Shuichi. And some others. Some people’s talents are not particularly useful in this situation. Still, this shows Shuichi’s becoming proud of his talent and happy that he’s able to use it to help everyone, which is progress!

(Other talents that are extremely useful for figuring out and escaping this killing game: Kokichi’s and Miu’s. Shame neither of those people are capable of co-operation.)

Maki:  “…I’ll work hard, until everyone trusts my Ultimate talent.”

Kokichi:  “Huh?”

Maki:  “It may not be possible now, but I’ll put in the effort so everyone can trust me. I… I won’t run away anymore… I want to survive and escape this place with everyone.”

Maki Roll! Look how far she’s come already! She’s outwardly admitting that she wants to earn people’s trust and work together with everyone!

Honestly, that in itself should be enough to earn everyone’s trust. I don’t think anyone except for Kokichi really distrusts her any more at this point – after all, she’s kept her word about not killing anyone.

Kokichi:  “I seeee… I wonder how long that’ll last. What if your true calling as a killer shows?”

Yeah, fuck you, Kokichi. We’ve been over how she would only ever have a reason to kill someone if she gets ordered to do so by her assassin cult which she has no contact with in here. He’s still just convinced that she’s inherently the kind of person who would turn around and kill someone with no provocation, because obviously she’s got to be the worst possible person.

(And okay, fair enough, he’s not completely wrong and this line may well be foreshadowing of what Maki tries to do in chapter 5. But that’s still entirely Kokichi’s fault for painting a huge target on his forehead and setting himself up as the kind of person that Maki has been raised to believe can only be effectively dealt with by being “removed”, so well done Kokichi for making that a self-fulfilling prophecy.)

Kaito:  “Don’t underestimate her! Maki Roll’s one of my sidekicks!”

Maki:  “I don’t remember being your sidekick. Also, didn’t I tell you to stop calling me Maki Roll?”

Being Kaito’s sidekick isn’t something you agree to, Maki. It’s something Kaito decides. It’s entirely about how Kaito views you and not the other way around. In that sense, Maki’s been his sidekick since the moment she agreed to train with him; he’s just only mentioning it now.

(I believe this is also the last time she ever complains about being called Maki Roll.)

Kokichi:  “Ooohhh, you guys are so close now. This must be the powerful bond of friendship.”

That’s exactly what it is, Kokichi, no matter how hollow and meaningless you’re trying to make it sound.

Kokichi:  “But I would’ve preferred it to happen sooner. Especially not after losing seven people.”

Gragh, and even when Kokichi does pretend to care about the notions of friendship and trust, he brings it up in a way that’s all “but you guys haven’t been good enough at friendship!”, still trying to act high and mighty above everyone else. Well maybe if you really thought friendship and bonds would have helped avoid some of those seven deaths, you could have contributed to that yourself, Kokichi.

Kokichi:  “Humans are like weeds – too numerous to count. Seven of us dead doesn’t mean much in the end. …That’s totally what the heartless robot is thinking! Right, riiiight!?”

No, Kokichi, that’s clearly what you were thinking to try and deflect some of your basic-human-decency-driven guilt and pain at the deaths – and then you go and even deflect that justification of yours by trying to project it onto someone else.

Kaito:  “I know we’re all gonna escape! I’m not gonna rely on a god, spirits, or the dead. Just you guys! I believe in all of you!”

As much as I adore your optimism, Kaito, you… probably shouldn’t believe in Kokichi or Miu. (Or Tsumugi, of course, but she hasn’t given any reason not to be trusted so far.) That said, Kaito is probably making this statement about how much he believes in everyone to try and encourage them all, even the ones less inclined to co-operate, to trust him back and work together. And it also goes to show that, even though Kokichi and Miu are unco-operative as hell, Kaito still believes that they’re fundamentally decent people who don’t want to kill anyone, which is true, very deep down.

Shuichi:  (It seems like… everything is settled for now. Even though we’re missing her…)

It’s not entirely clear which “her” Shuichi’s talking about. The obvious answer would be one of the two girls who died most recently, but then you’d think he would specify which of them or refer to both of them. So I think that Shuichi’s actually referring to Kaede here, and he’s saying that even though Kaede isn’t here to encourage everyone and rally them together like she was trying to do at the beginning, everyone’s still managing to band together and keep going.

(That’s at least partly because of Kaito. Have I ever mentioned he and Kaede are similar.)

Himiko:  “…”

Gonta:  “Himiko… You okay? Anything Gonta can do to help? You can tell Gonta.”

Gonta is so good. He’s still just trying to help as much as he can, and right now the most obvious way he can see to help is by helping Himiko with her sadness.

Shuichi:  “I think… we should let her have some space for now. That might be best for her. …I remember how I felt…”

And then Kaito punched you in the face (which didn’t help) and then encouraged you to go to Kaede’s lab and let your memories of her support you (which did help). So maybe Himiko does still need something other than to be completely left alone to wallow in her sadness right now.

Kokichi:  “God, Himiko is such a liar!”

Kokichi’s about to do a thing. Hold this thought, we’ll get back to it in a second.

Kokichi:  “Personally, I don’t think lies are exactly a bad thing… Let’s face it, you wouldn’t have any free will if the world was comprised with just the truth.”

Um, no? That’s not how free will works? Sure, I can completely understand how you could say that the world would be more boring if it was only comprised of the truth, but people would still be able to make choices! There are more choices in life than just “do I lie or do I tell the truth?”.

If anything, the world being full of lies makes it have marginally less free will, since lies can be used to manipulate people and make them think they only have one choice when they actually have several. This is even part of the point of this story! Tsumugi tries to insist during the final trial that everyone’s actions were all completely scripted and according to her outline, meaning they never really had any free will. While most of that claim is blatantly wrong and oh boy am I going to talk about that when we get there, it’s true that she did manage to manipulate some events to fit with her plans, and she did so using Flashback Lights, which contain lies.

Anyway, that was a Kokichi’s-philosophy-is-bullshit interlude, now back to what he’s doing for Himiko.

Kokichi:  “But even then… I don’t think it’s good to lie to yourself, y’know?”

Himiko:  “…”

Tsumugi:  “What are you saying!? Think about Himiko’s feelings a little bit—”

Kokichi:  “I only said this *because* I thought about it. Himiko has been lying to herself about her own feelings, so she’s been holding back. Hey, what are you repressing? Why are you trying so hard to hold back?”

This… is actually Kokichi helping Himiko out, in a being-cruel-to-be-kind sort of way. Himiko did need to hear this.

But the thing is, this is pretty much the only time in the entire game that Kokichi does something that’s apparently genuinely helpful. So I cannot in good conscience assume that that’s really Kokichi’s only reason for doing this, because if he were actually a person who wants to help people, even if it’s in a cruel-to-be-kind way, he would do this more often. Plus, the game goes on to flash back to Tenko’s final words to Himiko about expressing her feelings, which Kokichi was witness to. If Kokichi had really taken that speech to heart and genuinely cared about helping Himiko fulfil Tenko’s final wish, then he wouldn’t have tried to argue during the trial that obviously Himiko’s only pretending to care about Tenko now because she’s the culprit and trying to protect herself. He would have been able to actually comprehend the notion that she cares now because she regrets not listening to Tenko’s words before and now it’s too late.

So there has to be some reason Kokichi’s doing this other than because he wants to help, and it’s really not that hard to figure out. Kokichi’s words about lying to yourself about your true feelings are a perfect description of what’s going on with him. He’s being a gigantic hypocrite by telling Himiko this. So I think the main reason he’s doing this is that, just like he does so many other times, he’s deflecting and projecting his own feelings onto someone else. He’s saying this about Himiko so that he can tell himself it’s only Himiko who’s lying to herself about her true feelings, because obviously he wouldn’t be giving this advice if it was something he’s incapable of following himself, right?

It’s also apparent that this is really about Kokichi’s own issues and not about him helping Himiko because he’s not actually framing this correctly at all. Himiko is not lying to herself about her feelings. She knows she’s feeling sadness and pain over this; the only problem is that she’s struggling with how to express that and deal with it. She is not pretending that she’s fine like Kokichi always does. She used to, when she was hiding behind Atua, but that’s not what’s happening now. If Kokichi was really only doing this to help her, he’d understand that and phrase this differently. He says he thought about her feelings, but the conclusion he came to as a result of that thinking is that she’s obviously doing exactly what he does, because he deflects his issues onto everyone.

Regardless of his intent behind it, Kokichi is one of the few people who’d even have been able to help Himiko right now, since everyone else is too busy tiptoeing around her feelings to be blunt enough to tell her what she needs to hear. But Kokichi shouldn’t be the only one – Kaito should have been capable of it, too. Kaito had no qualms about bluntly telling Maki that she’s a coward and she’s running away in order to get her to finally start facing up to her issues earlier this chapter. It’s a little surprising to me that Kaito isn’t also the one to try and do something similar for Himiko here; you’d think he would have got there and done so before Kokichi said anything. I wonder if the reason he doesn’t is that, since Himiko’s pain is being compared to Shuichi’s at the end of the first trial, Kaito is still feeling awkward and guilty about the time he unhelpfully punched Shuichi in the face. That could be why he’s also tiptoeing around Himiko’s feelings more than he normally would right now – because he doesn’t want to make a similar mistake.

If Kaito had been the one to help Himiko here, then he wouldn’t have made it about her lying to herself. It would have been more about how it’s okay for her to feel this way but she needs to face those feelings head-on, like he was saying to her earlier in the trial. Which would also have been somewhat hypocritical of Kaito given what’s going on with him, but hypocritically deflecting his own issues would not have been the point of him doing it. He’d be framing it that way simply because it’s a perfectly reasonable way to frame it, since he understands her actual problem.

Himiko:  “Tenko… Angie! I’m so lonely! I’m so lonely… without you two! But… I gotta survive! I… still can’t go to where you are! But… I’m lonely! I’m so lonely without the both of you!”

I enjoy how this is Himiko being really raw and open and direct with her emotions, repeating herself and contradicting herself and stating how she feels with no filter. It’s just what she needed to do.

I still think that Angie never really truly cared about Himiko as a person and doesn’t really deserve to have Himiko remember her this way. But the fact is, she’s dead, so Himiko can never get confirmation of how she felt any more – and given that, the only thing that matters is what Himiko wants to believe. If believing that Angie cared about her helps her more than the truth, then let’s let her believe that.

Shuichi:  (Before we knew it… As if lured by her doing so… we began crying.)

Shuichi’s narration doesn’t specify who exactly is part of this “we” who join in with Himiko’s crying. The implication is that it’s everybody, but it can’t include Keebo, and I kind of doubt it includes Maki either, since there’s a big point made at the end of chapter 5 about that being the first time she’s cried that much in a long time. If it includes Kokichi, his are probably mostly overexaggerated fake tears, to lie to himself about the fact that his basic human decency is making him somewhat genuinely upset. But one person it definitely does include is Kaito.

Kaito’s face isn’t visible here, but the way his shoulders are hunched makes it clear that he’s crying too. That stance of his is the most in-focus thing in this shot other than Himiko herself, even. And his line just a little bit before the illustration shows up…

Kaito:  “D-Damn it!”

…rather sounds like it could be his reaction to realising that he’s about to start crying and can’t stop it.

Anyway that’s just a fun fact that I wanted to point out even though the narrative doesn’t draw attention to it.

Shuichi:  (The tears we shed… I can’t even describe it. We were crying about what we had been through, and what was to come… Sadness, hatred, frustration, discord, anger, love… Tears filled with emotion. But at the very least… they weren’t tears of submission. They were tears to push us forward.)

My inordinate focus on Kaito aside, I do really like this moment in general. It’s nice to have a moment to really let us see just how torn up everyone is by this awful situation they’re in, even though they usually try to put on a brave face and not show it. There’s no adequate words for everything they’re feeling, but just by sharing in this emotional outburst together, it feels like a bonding moment for everyone.

Gonta gives Himiko a piggyback ride back to the dorms after she falls asleep in exhaustion from all the crying. He is the absolute sweetest bestest gentleman.

Maki:  “…She probably felt better after letting it all out, don’t you think?”

This means a lot coming from Maki, whose own issues that she’s been starting to work on involve having supressed her own emotions about the awful things she’s been through.

Shuichi:  (While we were heading back to the dorms, I suddenly noticed… Kaito had stopped in his tracks.)

Kaito:  “…”

Shuichi:  “…Kaito, what’s wrong?”

Kaito:  “Hm? Oh… Nothing. I just… wanted to get some night air. Don’t worry about me. Go on ahead.”

It’s definitely not that he’s about to cough up some blood or anything. He’s fine.

Maki:  “Anyway… don’t do something like this again, okay? If you dislike scary things, then you should’ve said so earlier. I thought you were sic—”

Kaito:  “You worried about me?”

She was worried about him! She’s saying this because she wishes he hadn’t worried her over something she thinks was so unnecessary!

Except for the fact that she has even more reason to be worried about him now, which is exactly why Kaito cuts her off right there. He can’t have anyone worrying about him, especially not when Maki’s just made a point about how she wishes he hadn’t worried her so much.

Maki:  “Yeah… worried about your stupidity.”

As you should be! He is going to continue to be incredibly more stupid with regards to not letting you two know that there’s something wrong with him that you should be worried about!

Kaito:  “Hah! Still haven’t warmed up to me, huh?”

Oh, she definitely has, Kaito. That’s why she’s worrying about you.

Kaito has to know that she only appears so cold here because she’s frustrated that he made her worry. But he hates having done that, so instead he’s pretending that her response to his question totally proves she’s not worried about him at all.

Shuichi:  “Maybe not… but I feel like the walls we had up are coming down a little, you know? Perhaps those walls were her enemies… It seems like she doesn’t want to wait anymore.”

Kaito:  “Yeah! Cuz of me!

Shuichi:  “…Yeah, maybe, but you sound like you’re bragging, Kaito!”

Her walls are coming down and it is because of Kaito and he should be proud of himself about that! (Especially as it’s the only thing he managed to achieve this chapter next to Shuichi effortlessly saving everyone in the class trial yet again.)

Kaito:  “But like I said, I’m… gonna get some air before I go back. You can go on ahead.”

Shuichi:  “Sure… got it. See you tomorrow.”

Kaito:  “Yeah, see ya tomorrow!”

He’s wearing one of his usual casual smiles for that last line like nothing’s wrong. For the most part, Kaito is genuinely really good at pretending that he’s completely fine when he is absolutely not. I’m going to be joking about it a lot, but that’s only because I find it delightful how absolutely goddamn stubborn he is about keeping up this façade.

Shuichi:  (I didn’t notice what was going on with Kaito…)

Here’s another rare instance of Shuichi’s narration suddenly being from a future Shuichi who knows everything that’s going to happen, rather than just being told from the present. At least this time what he’s saying is right, but I really don’t think this is necessary since we’re about to see what’s wrong with Kaito for ourselves. It’d have been much more fun if they’d ended this with the present Shuichi innocently thinking something like how he’s relieved that Kaito’s feeling better now, only to immediately whiplash it with the following scene.

Kaito:  “I… don’t have time to be dying…”

I love how, even though this is presumably the moment Kaito properly realises that oh god, he’s dying, he phrases it like this. The idea that he’s going to die and there’s nothing he can do about it is so terrifying that he can only acknowledge it in this way that’s full of defiance and denial. He’s going to find something better to do with himself than this bullshit thing like dying that his body has apparently decided is a priority, dammit! Accepting his impending death just like that would be giving up, and that’s inconceivable to Kaito.

Kaito:  “I still haven’t gone into space yet.”

Fourth reminder that KAITO CANNOT DIE BEFORE HE’S GONE TO SPACE. This is still very, very important, and it makes the knowledge that he’s dying even harder to bear. Everyone wants to keep living, but Kaito has a specific thing he wants to do more than anything and has been working so hard towards that he’s never going to be able to reach if he dies here.

Kaito:  “Damn it… No way am I gonna die here! No way…”

Even though he’s being as stubborn and defiant about this as he can, you can hear his voice wavering a little in that final “No way…”, betraying how scared he really is, and I love it.

I also just generally love the fact that the writers made this chapter-end stinger be “Kaito is dying”. Every chapter except the first and the last has an ending stinger like this that isn’t strictly related to what just happened in the trial: Maki is an assassin, Kaito is dying, Kokichi is plotting to end the killing game, Keebo has gone rogue. Of those, most are more of a plot-related hook, to keep the players interested in the overall goings on in the story. But this one is only relevant to Kaito’s character arc. I am delighted that the writers saw Kaito’s character arc as an important enough part of the story that they felt it deserved a stinger like this anyway, something that helps you understand what’s going on with him now, while it’s happening, rather than only retroactively realising it later. You’d have been able to appreciate what’s going on during a second time through even if this stinger didn’t exist, but apparently the writers thought that a sense of dramatic irony and painful infuriation at Kaito hiding what he really should be telling his friends should be the only way to experience chapter 4, and, yes. Yes, it should be.

So anyway chapter 4 is one of my favourite chapters particularly in terms of the type of things that this commentary exists to talk about and I am very excited that I’m finally going to get into it next time.

---

[Chapter-end bonus ramble] [Next post]

[rattycattyfanfic]

stroke by stroke

Fandom: Once Upon A Time Pairing: Regina/Emma, Alice/Robyn, Regina & Henry, Regina & Zelena Genre: Family/Fluff Rated: T Words: 2,255

Once upon a time, Regina paints.

5 times Regina struggles with her secret penchant for creativity + 1 time she finds her muse.

Read on AO3

this grew out of the plot in the regina rising book, where regina takes art classes for a bit. if you haven't read it, it's not crucial for this, just the inspiration. purely wrote this because art school has been kicking my butt recently and i must live everything through the cathartic distance of fictional characters. enjoy!

warnings: suggestions of childhood abuse, swearing, bit of brief alcohol use.

Once upon a time, Regina paints.

She’s not good, not by a long shot, but she loves it all the same. Loves to paint the horses, the tall, breathing trees and the horizon with its promise of freedom always just out of reach. The thick oils feel luxurious in an unfamiliar way, a far cry from the extravagance of corsets and jewels and feasts. They feel sumptuous, soulful, vibrant as she lays down rich colour, and she delights in it, escapes into the stables through her mind every time she picks up the paintbrush.

Her tutor, Jasper, is handsome and smiles when she masters a new technique or finishes a work, and Regina blushes all the way down to her toes. And therein lies the problem; because mother rarely allows her daughter the distraction of hobbies, let alone friends or boys not specifically approved by her, and she’s eagle-eyed looking for any excuse to put a stop to this. The excuse comes in the form of Jasper hovering at her shoulder, guiding her hand gently and his breath in her ear, and that’s that.

Jasper is ordered to leave, banned from the estate, and mother gets her digs in about Regina's poor painting skill, and the pressure to find an eligible prince to wed heats up. She no longer has time for frivolities between other lessons and dances and tea with suitors, so she gives it up.

When Henry is little, he’s a prolific little artist. He scribbles and scribbles as she works at her desk, and they’re the most beautiful thing Regina’s ever seen. She laughs and kisses his cheek as he proudly holds up his latest masterpiece, and gently takes it from him and puts it up on the fridge with the other favourites, cooing praise all the while.

She remembers, sometimes, well, we can’t all be good at everything, Regina, and feels her stomach twist in humiliation even years later, and promises herself this is another way she will never allow herself to be like her mother.

Seemingly chaotic spirals of waxy colour become slightly messy colouring book pages – delightfully disordered as Henry colours inside the lines as best he can but takes creative liberties: blue Spiderman, green sky, pink dog, all boldly unapologetic like happy children are. “Mommy, help,” he pipes up one day during one of their Saturday Granny's breakfasts, and spreads out his crayons across the table and Regina freezes for a half-second before picking up the red.

She puts the new art up on the fridge with alphabet magnets and puts the old ones carefully into a box. Later, she’s grateful she had the foresight to save everything, because during that awful year she returns to it on the worst nights. After he finds out about the adoption in the worst way possible and gets stuck on fairy tales, Henry demands she takes everything off the fridge in a fit of anger and pre-teen embarrassment, and so those go in the box too. Between snarling fights with his birth mother and shaking panic, Regina spends all too much time gazing over those pages of childish shapes until her vision is swimming and all she can see is a garish blur.

• 

• 

They never pick up their comfortable colouring sessions after everything gets better again. Henry gets too old, too preoccupied with being a hero or the author or college or adventures, and Regina mourns it.

She fills her house with expensive paintings, artisanal prints of mythology, illustrations of plants in an attempt to fill the hole, make it warmer on those nights he’s gone. Her favourite is a huge horse painting that hangs above her fireplace and Regina imagines maybe she would have painted something similar if she’d been allowed the time, the encouragement to learn.

And once, in the Underworld after trying and failing to sleep curled up on one of the couches, she tries. The injured horse from earlier had stuck in her mind, had looked so much like her Rocinante but wasn’t, and the loft is dim, silent but for soft snores of Snow and Charming close by. Beyond a few minutes in the bathroom here and there it’s the closest to privacy Regina has had since they got here.

Enough for her to pick up a scrap of paper and pencil and hunch over the coffee table to draw. Regina tries to remember the arc of her steed’s neck, the angles of his muzzle, the soft fuzz at his chin, and sketches until her hand aches and her eyes grow tired.

It’s bad, but it’s not awful. She feels calmer, in the dark where no one can see her failure, mother long gone. She stares at the dark shapes meant to be his eyes, the glint and it’s off but she feels sixteen again, bringing the outside inside with her. And she feels tired, at last. Slowly, Regina lays back down under the soft blanket and allows herself this small ounce of serenity.

• 

• 

In Seattle, she is Roni and owns a bar and dresses in leather and old denim. She has pain – a failed adoption, an uncaring mother, an absent father, streetwise beyond her years and more loneliness than she knows what to do with, oh yes, she has pain. But the curse has taken away specific old agonies of forced marriage and murdered lovers and a mother who abuses and shames, and she might be relieved if only she knew that she’d forgotten anything.

Roni doesn’t remember never being enough in any way at all, being groomed for marriage and marriage only, denied the simple pleasures of hobbies or friends, and she’s something of a fixer-upper – handy enough to maintain the pub, physical and creative in a way Mayor Mills hadn’t ever been. Not to mention financially fucked. She can’t spare the cash for Regina’s extensive designer wardrobe even if she could stomach the idea of fast fashion.

So she does the next best thing – cuts up her tees, alters the fit with simple stitching, and one day when she has a spare few hours after a relatively slow shift, she picks up a set of cheap paints and goes to town on a jacket sitting in the back of her closet. After hours hunched over the jacket, a couple of cold beers, and a few loud spins of the Ramones, her mind is clear and her body pleasantly tired. The paint dries, and she marvels at her newly personalised jacket, adorned with tasteful flowers, unique to her, and for once, there’s no insecurity.

•

•

When Roni remembers and becomes Regina again, she admires the jacket hanging on the back of her door, trails her fingertips over the paint before finally slipping it on. Her cursed self had surprisingly done quite a good job and it’s hers and she won’t waste a perfectly comfortable jacket. (Zelena comments, one day, nudges her gently when she gets a closer look and sees the slight imperfections of a hand-paint job. “Never knew you had an artistic side, ‘Gina,” and Regina rolls her eyes and snaps a towel playfully after her, says “I don’t,” but has to hide her flushed cheeks.)

Robyn arrives in Seattle, tall and grown now, if a little rougher around the edges – her fault and in hindsight maybe the ticket to Amsterdam she hadn’t even run past Zelena had been a bad idea, much like the spellbook she’d passed on because we all experimented, Zelena. Robyn is brave and kind and funny, though, had never succumbed to the darkness or to vices like they both had even given the chance. She’s doing well, besides being, y’know, cursed, and some evenings, that bright-eyed, wild-haired girl Tilly – Alice – comes to visit and they exchange soft touches and warm smiles. (It reminds Regina painfully of a different blonde lost to her, and she turns her face down and pours out a shot.)

While Robyn dries glasses or wipes down the counter, Alice splits her time gazing at her girlfriend and hunching over a notebook, writing and doodling. Regina had seen over her shoulder once by accident, the pages and pages of loopy handwriting and beautiful drawings of stormy seas and far-off dream-realms (real, if only Alice would make the connection she’s so close to). And when Robyn gets off shift, they sit side by side and Alice explains each drawing with glinting eyes. “What about you? What do you dream about?” Alice asks, and so Robyn picks up a pencil and tentatively tries to illustrate a dreamt childhood filled with magic and mythical beasts.

(The curse breaks and for a short time, they all sit in Roni’s bar aware of what they mean to one another. Robyn smiles softly and says, “I remember when you and mom would colour with me, Aunt Regina,” and slides two pages across the bar counter towards the two witches. Regina’s mouth closes around a silent protest and she smiles too, exchanges a soft look with her sister, and grabs a purple pencil.)

•

•

The realms are united, and everyone is back together. Everything is good.

Regina sucks in a breath as she stands in one of the castle towers, looking over the kingdom. She still has her mansion, but occasionally, she likes to come up here and allow the treetops and winding rivers to clear her mind.

She sits down on a wooden stool near the window, brought up here especially for today. Actually, all of this had been acquired very discretely, just for her today. She could have summoned it, but she’s really trying to not use magic lazily these days and the ritual of gathering everything had been strangely soothing.

In front of her is a wooden easel and a small table laden with paints – oils, like she’d used as a girl, and fluffy brushes and spirit for rinsing. The blank canvas is terribly intimidating, but Regina keeps her breathing steady and reminds herself no one has to see if it turns out bad, this is just for her. To see if she can still, if it’s still as fun as she remembers. She picks up a brush and dips the tip in the pale blue and begins to work.

The time passes easily, and as the hours slip by the sky begins to turn pink, the sun warm and red and all the colours changing too fast to keep working. That’s about the time that the door creaks, and in comes Emma, a small quirk of a smile on her lips and blonde hair tumbling down her back. “How’s it going?” she murmurs, and Regina nods.

“I missed this,” she admits and surveys her work with her bottom lip between her teeth.

The blonde grins, and steps forward, her head tilted – “Can I see?”

Emma is tentative, always careful and considerate in these quiet moments despite her naturally chaotic state, and so Regina nods again, and breathes steadily. Arms wrap around her waist and a cheek rests on her shoulder as the blonde gazes at the painting, and for a long moment Regina is half-expecting disappointment or a stilted falsity.

Emma just makes this dragged out ohh sound though and tightens her embrace. “That’s really good, Regina, you never said you were good,” and Regina flushes deeply and shushes her, would maybe chuck something small and light at her if she wasn’t enjoying this hug so much.

“It’s just – practice,” Regina excuses, and lightly pushes away to spin and take Emma into her own arms, their eyes meeting. “But thank you.” She cups Emma’s jaw and brings her down to kiss her lightly, sweetly, awing all the while at how they finally got here. Her other hand trails down Emma’s cheek, and the woman feels slight wetness and whines, “Reg-ina.”

Regina smirks as Emma rubs at the smudge of wet emerald green on her cheek, only spreading it even more. “I’m so gonna get you for that,” the sheriff says with a childish grin and flicks a brush still covered in purple paint at her lover.

The paint splatters over Regina’s browbone and she gasps and then laughs, “Emma,” as she grabs ineffectually for the brush that Emma holds high above her head. Emma jumps back, bright laughter ringing against the stone walls, and her eyes are bright. Regina’s chest feels light looking at her, lunging for the brush again until she gives up and picks up a brush of her own. Emerald eyes widen and Emma murmurs a warning, backing up and still grinning until she hits the stone wall.

Regina closes in on her, presses against her, and then her sly smirk drops. Her hand closes around Emma’s wrist, pinning it as she leans in and brings their lips together tenderly. The kiss heats up, Emma moaning into her open mouth and flicking her tongue teasingly against red lips, and the brushes drop to the floor with a clatter.

And maybe they’ll regret this little paint fight when it comes time to clean up, but Regina thinks, this is what creativity, art is supposed to be like – serene solace, laughing with her lover over spilt paint, colouring with her son, drawing dreams with her family. They part, their breath huffing warm and unsteady, and she is contemplative, meeting Emma’s eyes and trailing her thumb over the woman’s plump lower lip. She’s beautiful, glowing in the soft sunset. Regina feels good and breathes into the space between them, “I think I know what I want to paint next.”

[jellybeanforest-a-go-go]

So, the spouse has been gone for two days on a business trip. In that time, I wrote 7500 words for my upcoming fic “Pillow Talk,” so that’s quickly becoming a thing. I have no idea how long this is going to be, but I’m having way too much fun describing an even shittier version of the apartment I moved into after the breakdown of my first long-term relationship. 

Anyways, here’s the Summary: Billionaire playboy Tony Stark pisses off his latest one-night-stand, who plans to turn him into a Beast until he learns humility and compassion for his fellow man. He can already visualize Pepper’s disapproving glare as she’s forced to add yet another person to the security watch list. It figures he would eventually stick his dick in bonafide crazy.

“Is that really the best you got?” he scoffs. “That would be utterly unoriginal. Uninspired even.” He has already seen that movie and the remake.

…Maybe Tony should learn when to keep his mouth shut.

Or: A spurned lover turns Tony into a mattress.

Based on a Cap-Ironman Kinkmeme Prompt

Here’s an expanded snippet:

The man is handsome, tall and well-built, with a chiseled jaw line and dirty blond hair uncombed and stuck up at different angles. If Tony had been human, he might have invited the man back to his place on the thinnest of pretexts for a roll in the sheets. He looks like he could lift Tony with little trouble, and that sort of thing is always a good time. However, circumstances being what they are, Tony is currently comprised of quilted fabric, wire, and what he suspected might be heavy-duty foam, and he is completely mute. Ergo, he has no chance of charming the stud currently manhandling him.

These facts didn’t stop his internal monologue.

Your place or mine? He imagines himself asking, but the answer is self-evident. Mr. Large Hands is already carting him off to his humble abode on what has to be the fifth floor of a building with no elevator (Was that even legal?) for what was likely to be some G-rated bedtime fun, considering Tony’s size. Based on his recent string of bad luck, the man had probably acquired him as a replacement for the bed Little Timmy, his budding serial killer son, had slashed in a fit of rage.

He can see it now. Cause of Death: Murdered by a sociopathic kindergartener.

And so ends the life of one Tony Stark. Genius. Philanthropist. Scoundrel. Monster. War Profiteer.

All in all, a crummy excuse for a man and an even crummier mattress. Seriously, he wasn’t even memory foam. Gifting him in his current state to a kid must constitute child abuse.

Having rounded the fifth floor stair case, Father-of-the-Year lifts him up and walks down the short darkened hallway, stopping in front of his unit. He puts him down and fiddles with the door – God, he didn’t even bother locking it. What if Little Timmy got out and murdered a kitten? – before it swings open, revealing a… huh, this must be the parlor room. Tony didn’t know apartments in Brownsville had parlor rooms to receive guests.

Maybe-Daddy proceeds to angle Tony through the door, then straightens him out as he clears the back wall of the hallway. Tony observes his new home. In the kitchen to his right, unpacking a paltry number of items into a cupboard is another man with a scruff of facial hair and long dark hair drawn up in a messy man bun. Probably The Boyfriend™. Which didn’t explain what Tony was doing here. Not that he would mind having two gorgeous men on top of him, but Tony is clearly meant for single occupancy.

Mr. Not-a-Father pushes Tony across the threshold, and Tony realizes with startling clarity, that this is not a parlor room. The room containing the currently-scowling boyfriend is not a kitchen. If Tony is feeling generous, he would call it a kitchenette. There is a small fridge, dual hotplate, and a microwave but no oven nor is there a dishwasher. Not that Mr. Not-a-Father-But-Definitely-a-Daddy, Esq., and his disgruntled boyfriend need one as Tony can now clearly see the cupboard contains only two dishes, a single bowl, a tall thermos, and four mismatched mugs (one of which bears the wildly-inaccurate title “#1 Grandpa” in Darlin BTN font). Just beyond the kitchen is a lumpy couch covered clumsily in what looks to be a blue fitted sheet next to a set of free weights. There’s a bathroom door open to his left, through which he can see a narrow sink, chipped mirror and the rim of the toilet bowl on one side with a small corner shower across. Hell, if Steve aimed just right, he may be able to piss into the toilet from the shower.

Living the dream, Tony thinks, rather unkindly.

Of course, this hellscape is accompanied by a fitting soundtrack appropriate for its distinctive ambiance: the unmistakable low, ever-present buzz of florescent lighting joined in terrible harmony by the gurgling toilet that only stops when Steve leaves him propped up in the doorway to go jiggle the flusher. This short respite allows Tony a nice close-up of the plaster walls, pitted and cracked over semi-exposed brick. Across the way, almost lined up with the door is a single window with a third of the cheap metal blinds missing and another third bent at odd angles to prevent proper operation. It’s bad feng shui all around, but that’s the least of Tony’s concerns. The largest, most pressing of which is that what he’s seeing is literally an entire apartment for two full-grown adult humans.

“Ugh, seriously Stevie?” The Boyfriend™ seems disgusted with Tony’s presence, which is rich coming from someone who lives like this.

#1 Grandpa – Stevie, apparently – pauses halfway in their trek to the far left corner, looking sheepish.

“So it’s a little…” he looks up and rolls one hand, clearly searching for a charitable word to describe his curbside acquisition, “Used, but the padding is intact and no springs are poking out of it.” He shrugs, lifting Tony up the rest of the (short) distance to drop him into position.

The Boyfriend™ crosses the room in four strides to sit on the couch along the opposite wall. “Several generations of rats have likely lived and died inside that thing.”

Hey now, the cat urine scared off Ratatouille and friends, Tony thinks, a little hysterically.

Stevie rolls his eyes. “I already checked it for holes.”

“It’s filthy,” The Boyfriend™ counters.

“It’s a pillow-top.”

“But it’s a twin! I know things have been tough since–”

“Bucky.”

Ah, a name…

“Since, well, you know,” Bucky, who is definitely not The Boyfriend™, finishes lamely. “But one day, you’re going to want to put yourself out there again, and a twin mattress screams, ‘I don’t think this dating thing is really going to work out for me.’”

“…It’s perfect.”

“Steve…” Bucky runs his fingers over his hair, pulling loose some strands from his man-bun. “Look, I’ll buy you a new bed. A real mattress. One that hasn’t seen at least half a dozen litters of stray cats and two near-fatal overdoses. Consider it a ‘welcome home’ gift.”

Stevie – or Steve, probably Steve – gathers a spray bottle and powdered enzymatic cleaner before walking towards the sink. “Neither of us has the money.” He adds some powder into the container then fills it up from the tap.

“I’ll find the money. I’ll pick up extra shifts at the bar. I’ll sweep hair at Bill’s barbershop. But that thing you dragged in here? It’s unsalvageable. It’s making me depressed, and I’m not even the one who has to sleep on it.”

“It’s fine. I’m fine. Save your money.” Steve returns to Tony’s side, armed with the spray bottle. He doesn’t even look in his friend’s direction, ignoring his clear disapproval.

“You could always move in with me and Nat, you know?” Bucky offers softly. “I already cleared it with her. Seriously. We have a couch, a real one that isn’t a sheet over a stack of discarded gym mats.” He pats Steve’s ‘couch’ and eyes the far corner where the fitted sheet isn’t quite stretched over enough to cover. Tony can now see the elastic hugs the edge of a mat two up from the floor, the tip sagging forlornly over the flaked plastic coating of the bottom-most ones. “You don’t have to do this alone.”

You don’t have to live like this, Tony hears him plead.

Steve remains stoic, unmoved. “Thanks for the noodles and the company, Buck, but I think I should finish unpacking.”

Bucky isn’t even subtle as he surveys the tiny studio. Steve obviously owns very little, and what little there is has already been unboxed and put away with the exception of a duffle bag and suitcase spilling out of a small closet under a row of empty wire hangers and a new plastic sleeve of beige polyester-blend sheets from a generic brand popular in dorms.

Bucky doesn’t challenge his lie. “What are you doing this Monday?” he asks instead.

“I’m fine. Really.”

“I didn’t ask if you were fine. I asked if you had plans. Nat’s on a business trip in an undisclosed location – I’m thinking Eastern Europe, but you know how cagey she gets when I guess – and I’ve got the run of our place. Was thinking we could go out, you, me and Sam.”

“I don’t–”

“Okay, we can stay in,” Bucky interjects quickly before Steve can cement his refusal. “Watch a bootleg and drink a couple six-packs, just like the old days. What do you say?”

“I’ll think about it,” Steve says in a voice even Tony can tell means he won’t.

But the man is relentless. “I’ll give you a call later. If you don’t pick up, I will be hurt – devastated, really – so much so that I’ll have to come over and drag you out for milkshakes to get over it.”

That seems to do it. Steve chuckles. “Alright, alright, I got it.”

Steve sees Bucky out shortly after, but his friendly, borderline-jovial façade crumbles upon the click of the lock. His shoulders slump ,and he turns, leaning his back against the door as he sinks heavily to the ground, kicking his feet out in front of him and drawing one knee up. He covers his face in both hands and breathes in deep and audible, rubbing his closed eyes with the heel of his palms when his breath hitches on the exhale.

Tony is infinitely grateful when Steve manages not to cry.

[thesydneyfeminists]

Joss Whedon and Vee: It’s Complicated

By: Vee H.

Here’s the thing, I have a confusing relationship with Joss Whedon. If we were “Facebook official” (does anyone still call it that, or have I just revealed my true spiritual age of 105?) our relationship status would be “it’s complicated”. It didn’t used to be like that; as a teenager, I probably would have said my favourite tv show was Buffy The Vampire Slayer, with its spin-off, Angel, in second place. I fell in love with a premise that Whedon certainly did not create (one girl in all the world, blah blah) nor was he the best at executing it. Whether it was the characters he’d created, the actors playing them, the witty scripts and storylines – or a mix of all of these things, I was hooked. I staunchly defended the show, and by proxy, Whedon himself, from any harsh criticisms, and overlooked anything that now, as a 32-year-old, stands out as (and I hate using this word) problematic. I followed him from Buffy; to Angel, Dr Horrible’s Singalong Blog, Dollhouse (look, I skipped Firefly for some reason, I’ve tried dipping a toe in but space cowboys aren’t for me, it seems), and that’s not to mention the movies he had a hand in (not an exhaustive list) – The Cabin in the Woods, The Avengers and The Avengers Age of Ultron. I was loyal, if Whedon’s name was attached, most likely, I was all in. There was something comforting and familiar about his humour, the way he told his stories – all of them laughably simple but layered to make them more complex. Like Shrek and onions.

So maybe you’re wondering where I took a left turn, jumped off the Joss Whedon Fan Train, as it were. Admittedly, it was a slow process, it wasn’t just a running leap off into the unknown post-Whedon world. A few years after Angel ended, some things circulated in the Buffy and Angel fandoms, rumours of how he treated his favourites, and those who had fallen out of favour with him. One of those people being Charisma Carpenter. In 2009 at a convention, a fan asked her how she felt about Cordelia’s last story line in Angel and how the show changed after her departure. While she didn’t explicitly come out and say the exact reason, she hinted that Whedon had been mad at her for making certain life decisions that would directly impact the vision he had for his show. Rumours have long since abounded that, in short, he punished her for falling pregnant. Obviously, no one but Carpenter and Whedon know the true story and at the time of hearing it, I took it with a grain of salt, but that seedling sat in the back of my mind and began to grow. After all, it explained a lot about the fourth season of Angel, and why the character of Cordelia made a complete 360. It was here that my relationship with Whedon started to sour, I began to question how someone who was so outspoken and publicly proud to be a feminist, could treat a woman that he had worked with for nearly a decade like that.

With that knowledge in mind, it was hard not to view some of the dialogue and plot points in his media a little differently, this is only one small example, but looking back, there is way too much slut shaming going on in Buffy to the point where Faith (my favourite character in the whole series, don’t @ me, I’ll defend her until I die) is seen as a lesser person than everyone else, because other female characters (Willow, Cordelia and Buffy herself) have branded her as a “cleavagey slutbomb”. Sure, ok, she goes and kills a bunch of people but they focus on her being slut much more than a psychopath – and I feel the need to point out that we only actually saw her sleep with one person (Xander) by the time the slut shaming actually started, and not that we should count, but Faith only slept with three people (Xander, Robin, and Riley in Buffy’s body) in the whole course of the show. And she killed four humans. Which means in Joss Whedon’s world, if you’re a woman, having sex is a worse crime than murder. Not exactly a feminist message.

Cut to just last year, when Whedon’s ex-wife, Kai Cole, came out with a heartbreakingly honest account of just what went down in their marriage. Details of his infidelity, gaslighting and emotional manipulation came spilling out of her, and sure, you could argue she was an embittered ex-wife, wanting to hit him where it would hurt the most, but it’s interesting to note that Whedon himself has never actually outright denied or refuted these claims. And ok, infidelity does not strip you of the right to call yourself a feminist, but as written by Clementine Ford “it's about how he absolved himself in a letter sent to Cole after his infidelity had finally been exposed, blaming the women he cheated with, calling them "beautiful, needy, aggressive young women" who "surrounded" him.” It’s about how he used his feminist badge as a shield, claiming he was raised feminist so he just liked women better, or how he claimed in a letter to Cole, and I quote, “in many ways I was the HEIGHT of normal, in this culture. We’re taught to be providers and companions and at the same time, to conquer and acquire — specifically sexually — and I was pulling off both!”

With all of these things in mind, I started to see Whedon’s feminism as what it likely is; performative, a way to excuse his behaviour, a safeguard to hide behind as if to say, “oh no, I am not like other men at all, although I may act as other men do and fully accept my privilege as a cis-het white male, I’m different. Because I’m a feminist so when I do these terrible things to women, it’s ok, because I love, respect and support women.” Maybe he truly believes he’s a feminist, publicly, he flies the flag very well, and there’s no denying he’s profited from this label, heralded as a great feminist hero, an ally to women everywhere. It’s only when you start to scratch the surface, peel back the layers of the Shrek-onion, do you start to see him for what he (in my mind) really is. A dudebro playing at being the nice guy, someone who says all the right things but whose actions don’t quite match up, in fact, they crumble under any real scrutiny (for further proof of this, go read the leak of the Wonder Woman script, allegedly by Whedon. If you can make it through the whole thing, I’ll buy you a coffee – hell if you can make it through the first 10 pages).

Where does that leave Joss and I then? I admit that I’m conflicted, in a culture that has moved more and more towards “cancelling” people I’m the proverbial fence sitter. I acknowledge that there are people, media, etc that are problematic (the dreaded word) and I think everyone has the right to decide whether or not to consume said media. And for myself, personally, I endlessly flip between the two schools of thought. I won’t watch anything new with Johnny Depp, nor anything from Woody Allen, for example, but I have gone back (since Amber Heard spoke of her abuse at his hands) and watched some of Depp’s older movies. Some people have told me that they disagree, that even watching his older stuff is wrong, that I should ban all forms of Depp media from my life otherwise I am giving him my tacit approval, and that’s their choice and their right, but I suppose I’m still working out where I want to draw the line. I (maybe naively and incorrectly) believe that I can view a piece of media and know its flaws, or the flaws of the person behind it, but still somewhat enjoy it for what it is, or the story it’s telling.

Maybe that’s where I am with Whedon, somewhere in between, neither in the black or the white, somewhere in the shades of grey, because that’s how life is sometimes. I don’t think he’s a fully bad person, nor do I think he’s a fully good person. I think he’s human, and humans are inherently flawed. And maybe that feels like a cop out, but it’s all I have to offer right now. My view of him will never be as it once was, and thus my viewing of the media he has created and produced will likely reflect that. Re-watching Buffy and Angel has become a different experience; I’m no longer blindly swept up in the twists and turns, the witty repartee between characters, but instead viewing through a different lens, one where I question what message he's really trying to send, what his true intentions are. Instead of laughing at every single joke, they never quite land right with me anymore, my childish naivety gone, replaced with the simmering anger of a woman who wonders why sexist jokes and judgements are supposed to be funny, why the rape of a female character is an excusable plot device to teach men a lesson. It’s exhausting to second guess someone I don’t even know, but this is the brave new world that a combination of his behaviour and my own feminist journey has left me in. These days, I wouldn’t ever say “I love Joss Whedon”, like I would’ve back in my teenage years, more likely you’ll find me saying “I loved Buffy but God it’s weird to watch as an adult”.

Like I said, it’s complicated.

Sources:

http://oranges8hands.tumblr.com/post/117924895453/charisma-carpenter-transcript-on-being-fired

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y_igTbXKPck

https://www.thewrap.com/joss-whedon-feminist-hypocrite-infidelity-affairs-ex-wife-kai-cole-says/

https://www.smh.com.au/lifestyle/clementine-ford-why-joss-whedons-treatment-of-exwife-kai-cole-matters-20170821-gy16lx.html

https://indiegroundfilms.files.wordpress.com/2014/01/wonder-woman-aug7-07-joss-whedon.pdf

Image sources:

Yahoo.com

tenplay.com.au

[silentauroriamthereal]

I hate Mary Morsan too

When I first saw this, I thought about just saying something like, “yay, high five!”, but then I reconsidered. Expressing hate for any woman, even a fictional one, is always a bit troubling for me. I truly am a feminist to the core of my being, and as someone who is known for writing the character of Mary as I truly see her in the canon, I’m already uncomfortably aware that people see me as a Mary hater. Johnlock shippers have been getting this since 2014 now: if you hate Mary, it’s only because she gets in the way of your ship, and the Johnlockers hate all of the female characters in Sherlock.

The second is patently untrue. That said, I’ll allow that Moffat and Gatiss are notoriously poor at writing female characters. (This has been well covered in many articles.) They, Moffat in particular, have a troubling way of aligning the concepts of female power with abuse (Irene uses sex to extort people for the terrorist she works for, Mary shoots people when they threaten to show her for the assassin and criminal that she is, even Molly and Mrs Hudson resort to violence in so-called moments of “strength” - Molly with her slapping and Mrs Hudson pulling a gun and handcuffs on Sherlock before having a bunch of men throw him into the trunk of her car). Moffat and Gatiss have an issue when it comes to writing a well-rounded, believable female character whose entire purpose doesn’t revolve around the male main character(s) and doesn’t come off as… well, a man trying to write a woman. That said, filling things out and making them work is also part of the joy of writing fanfic, and I, along with many other Johnlock writers, have definitely done my best to do that. I’ve even given several women on Sherlock their own stand-alone stories, told from their points of view, even Mary! If you’re curious: 

Janine POV: The Green Carnations

Mary POV: Moving on/Making do (split between Mary and John’s POVs), Stand-in, Want (split between Sherlock, John, and Mary’s POVs)

Molly POV: The Red Roses, The Clouded Eye (split between Molly and Sherlock’s POV)

Sally Donovan & Mrs Hudson POV (first and last sections of Inappropriate)

Irene (not her POV, but definitely featuring her): From the Bottom of the Well

I’ve done my best to round these women out and give them credit where credit is due, whether or not I personally like them. I didn’t make them two-dimensional. And I didn’t write them the same every time (for those whose POVs I wrote more than once), either! Molly in The Red Roses is vulnerable, strong, self-sacrificing, and brave. Molly in The Clouded Eye is manipulable, jealous, possessive, yet (I hope) still understandable, pitiable. The point, ultimately, is the same as with any character: to be able to see their complexities, their depth, and to observe their actions objectively. 

People wanted so badly to like Mary. They wanted to love the strong woman that John Watson chose to marry. I didn’t see any hate leading up to series 3 at all, neither toward the character of Mary Morstan, nor toward the person who played her. I saw open-mindedness and a wiliingness to take her into the collective fandom heart. For me, I was always wary, I’ll admit. I thought from the start that it was a mistake to take such a miniscule role from the original canon and make it such a big deal. I thought then that Moffat and Gatiss were trying to stomp out the Johnlock ship and rumours of their queer-baiting. Surely if John got married, we couldn’t possibly see it as gay anymore, right??? I saw their choice of actor as a deliberate attempt to parry the natural chemistry Benedict and Martin have onscreen, and I thought then that it was an overly desperate attempt. I maintain that to this day: I think it backfired. But that generosity of spirit was there toward Mary, even after series 3, for the most part. I saw many, mahy Johnlockers try to include Mary as part of a newly-formed OT3. I saw them identifying with Mary, trying their very best to love her. 

Many of them still may. I don’t. For me, feminism means being seen as a human being first, and if a person’s experience as that type of human being has meant some kind of persecution or prejudice or abuse, it helps understand their actions. But not to excuse them. It doesn’t make it okay to murder people if you manage to look cute while doing it. It doesn’t make it okay if you did it to protect your own interests. That’s just selfishness, and defending it isn’t feminism. That’s just making excuses. Mary is a person who, in some unexplained backstory, chose a career wherein she kills and gets paid for it. She worked, to quote her, for the highest bidder. It wasn’t something she did out of a moral position, for love of country, for self-defense, for a cause, however just, as a cog in some great war machine. She didn’t do it do defend people she loved, or innocent bystanders, or children, or people too weak to defend themselves. She didn’t do it for some satisfying and long-deserved vengeance: she did it for money. Tawdry, dirty, blood money. And then she built a mountain of deceit, fed it to a man who was grieving, his trust broken and all but lost, and sold him a house of lies. And when his clever best friend discovered her, she shot him in cold blood, threatened him while under the influence, and hunted him down like an animal to put an end to him. 

Pardon me if I don’t find that “cute” or “strong” or anything I feel like modelling myself after, anything I would want young women or my own nieces to look up to and admire. 

I’ve talked about this before, but Mary is also extremely problematic in terms of blurring where the moral centre of Sherlock and John is. The thesis of the show has always been that Sherlock and John are damaged, problematic people, but ultimately good men. Ultimately, they’re on the side of the angels. Mary isn’t. Mary is on the side of the terrorists. She’s on the side of whoever will pay her the most to be on their side. In a way, that’s almost worse. Sherlock may “flirt” with Moriarty or Irene (though I always saw it as pretty one-sided on the latter) in the same way that he flirts with danger, with addiction, with obsessive behaviour, but he would never align himself with any of them. He may admire a clever plan, but his far greater fascination and draw is to the plain goodness of John Watson, extraordinary in its very ordinariness, yet it’s hardly ordinary, either. John can pull off making it look ordinary, but for someone who’s been through what he’s been through, it’s amazing that he IS still, ultimately, despite his own problematic behaviour, a good man. He and Sherlock both are, and it’s what they admire in each other, calling one another things like the best and the bravest and the kindest. That’s what they both seek, temporary fascinations with the devil they face every day in their line of work notwithstanding. Mary and Irene are both faces of this evil that Sherlock and John oppose. It’s the way things are: Sherlock and John are on the side of the angels. Mary and Irene work for the terrorists. Having Sherlock and John align themselves with Mary is incredibly problematic. 

I maintain that everything about Mary Morstan was a mistake. It was a mistake to bring her onto the show, a mistake to try to make her 1000% more interesting than she ever was in the original canon, and certainly a mistake to have had John go back to her, to have had him and Sherlock put themselves on her side, to have made themselves accomplices to her crimes by the very act of helping bury her past. It was a mistake to then not see her arc through the way it began, her irritating ghost appearances bearing no resemblance to her canonical behaviour, and her proprietary brokerage of Sherlock and John’s friendship completely out of place and undeserved. 

So yeah: in a response that’s probably 5,000 times longer than you were hoping for (apologies!), it takes a lot to make me admit that I hate another woman, even a purely fictional one. But Moffat and Gatiss succeeded on this one. I do hate Mary Morstan. I hate her because she’s an unrepentant murderer and liar, a narcissist whose only motivations are what she wants and feels would be good for her, and did everything in her power to tear Sherlock and John apart, and failing that, to outright kill Sherlock or manipulate him into killing himself. I see absolutely nothing admirable about this character and am just so glad she’s off the show. I wish she’d never been there in the first place. 

[foruneyti]

Pt. I Greetings. This is all Foruneyti-centric but I hope it is helpful in general. —EA

Hithere! Thank you so much for sending me such a detailed report haha,it really helps me out! Because it was such a lot I will respond persection. I hope you don’t mind!

Pt.2 Somethings that I like in your writing: >Your dialogue. It iswonderful and truly witty at times, and it flows so naturally. It isa joy to read. I wish I could converse in real life the way Healerdoes in the story. So many writers resort to blatant awkwardness inconversation to move a relationship or friendship along; instead, youmake your characters clever and intelligent enough to get out ofunusual places in conversation. I appreciate that so, so much.I’m really glad that this is the case! I love writingdialogue and I’ve come a long way since I started writing (whenever Iread my older stories the dialogue is something that stands out to menegatively) so hearing from other people that it is witty and flowsnaturally is absolutely wonderful; thank you. Pt.3 >Your descriptions: in general, your descriptions are a goodbalance between “telling” and “showing”, which like yourdialogue make the story flow quite well. >Your originalcharacters. They are actually characters, unpredictable in some ways,not merely mouthpieces for ideas or story exposition (Kari of Yllgardis a great example here). Meeting them and getting to know thembetter feels worthwhile, rather than distracting.It’sa relief that those things are also going well! I really aim to givemy characters more layers so that they won’t be one-dimensional andboring, but with so many characters in the casts it’s hard to keep itbalanced and sometimes I even forget one or two exist hihi. Pt.4 >Perhaps first and foremost, I love that Healer is her ownperson, with useful skills and the ability to be simultaneouslycompassionate and an independent thinker. She does not brook abuse(of anoyone else or of herself) mildly; she is morally centred andstands up for her moral beliefs (I would like to add here that(Pt. 5) I think it would be appropriate for the deaths Loki hascaused to trouble her more than it does; I understand her reasons forforgiving Loki himself, but to some extent I would expect Healer’snatural compassion to extend to the many, many families Loki hasdestroyed). Though she is lonely at times, she is not just a hollowshell waiting for some other person to fill her with emotions andexperiences.This is also a big part of what I wanted! ThatHealer would be a character of her own, with feelings and thoughtsand memories of her own, and that without Loki she would still grow –though their growth is definitely amplified by one another. I wantedher to be independent so that their love and relationship could growand blossom healthily. As for the deaths Loki caused, it’s truethat I am kind of letting it fade to the background. I wanted tofocus more on the person Loki was becoming than the person he hadbeen, and since I believe he was not fully in control or didn’t havemuch of a choice during most of what happened back then I didn’t wantto make too big of a deal of it. Now that Healer has to grieve forher own she wouldn’t have the energy to grieve for the many livesthat were lost years and years ago.

Pt6 or 7? Somethings that I do not like in your writing (save the firstcomment, I am trying to be usefully critical here):>The sex. I amnot here for that; honestly I just think it is gross. It is nothingagainst your writing particularly; I just do not enjoy that sort ofthing in stories, ever. When I found Foruneyti, I was looking for aninteresting story that explored a Loki redemption arc in a believableway; many kudos to you for drawing me in despite the sex.Itotally understand! I personally enjoy sex as well as writing aboutit and so for me it is part of a healthy relationship, which is why Iadded it to the fic. You can expect more to come. I’m glad that youstill enjoyed the rest of the chapters though! Sometimesyou do strange things with grammar tenses. For instance, the lastsentence of the fifth chapter of the most recent instalment of “InHer Loving Memory” goes, “The man rose his sword, and sheclosed her eyes.”I am fairly confident that “rose” is anintransitive verb, and “raised” is what you should use whensomething is actually being done with a specific object. Pleaseunderstand that this little nitpicky sort of thing is an indirectcompliment; the rest of your writing (dialogue, descriptions, etc.)is so well-balanced that it is little things like this that throw meoff. Ah!I’m incredibly sorry for that. I can’t really use the excuse of notbeing a native English speaker anymore, but sometimes things likethat still slip. Things like raise and rise, lay and lie; but alsothings that even I think are super silly. I often type reigns insteadof reins, or mix up expressions. I check chapters three to sixtimes before uploading them and I still stuff like that when Ire-read it later. Feel free to point it all out on a chapter when yousee it, so I can immediately change it. Pt7 or 8? >Very occasionally you claim that something clever happensand then you drop the ball. The scene in chapter 14 is a goodexample. The passage goes:“…Should you try to introduce him tothe conversation? Ask him if he had ever experienced such battles?You listened intently to what they had to say, but every question youasked steered the conversation(Pt8 or 9?) in the direction you wanted to go. It was masterfullyexecuted manipulation, and neither of them noticed, until theopportunity came for which you had been waiting and you turned yourheard to the side, glancing at the prince from the corner of youreye. “How about you, then? Surely you must have great tales totell.” …That is abrupt and jarring, not masterfully manipulative.I think this is a more serious mistake where you should have changedthe scene so that it was appropriate(Pt9 or 10?) for the Healer to be so abrupt, or else thought through thescene more thoroughly to give Healer something truly clever to say.Another example would be when Healer tricks Yllva into confessing tothe murder. That seemed unrealistically stupid, even for a spoiledprincess of evil.Ihope you don’t mind that I will defend myself on this one. The lines’Youlistened intently to what they had to say, but every question youasked steered the conversation in the direction you wanted to go. Itwas masterfully executed manipulation, and neither of them noticed,untilthe opportunity came for which you had been waiting (…).” Aremeant to convey that time passed, that she has been conversing forquite some time, asking more and more questions that subtly got herto the point she wanted: a break or pause in the conversation thatallowed her to drag Loki into it. In that break or pause it wasappropriate to ask Loki about his tales without making it seem likeshe didn’t care about the other soldier’s stories. If I had to writeout all the stories the soldiers told, and all the questions Healerasked, it would have made the chapter far too long and far too slow.As for the part where she tricks Ylva, keep in mind that thegirl is not the smartest. She tried to murder Healer with poison sostrong it would no doubt cost quite a lot of money. That way it wouldbe traced back to her sooner or later, and with a devastated andenraged Loki (as well as Thor and all the other soldiers in thegroup) in that scenario she wouldn’t have benefited from it at all –and the consequences would have been dire. When she noticesHealer doesn’t die she gets more reckless and directly poisons herfood. She could have done it herself, in which case people (mainlyservants) would have seen her going to the kitchens where shedefinitely never comes, or, more likely: she had a servant do it forher. That means at least one servant knows its her, and so when thestaff would get questioned by the at that point merciless Loki itwould come out sooner or later as well. Either way: dumb. So,now that we’ve established that Ylva is not very bright, she is inthat moment set on defending herself however possible. When she heardHealer semi-accuse her of something she hadn’t done she had to denyit to try and save her hide – and she hadn’t really thought aboutthe words with which she chose to do so. In her panic she blurted outthe first that came to mind and so fell right into the trap. Ofcourse, it’s fanfiction, and so I’ve taken a few liberties on howrealistic things are, but in my opinion it makes for a far moreinteresting story than when the investigation starts and it takesthem two more chapters to just confirm what we already know: the girlhad truly tried to murder Healer. Ona final note, not concerning anything critical: I would just like toadd that as an addition to the Foruneyti universe “In Her LovingMemory” works incredibly well. What an emotionally powerfultale. (Lastpart) I read the scenes at the tree (Healer’s and Loki’s) and wasstruck by the aching sadness in both. I look forward to seeing whereyou go with that tale. May your writing (for Foruneyti and elsewhere)proceed excellently. Sincerely, EA

Thankyou so much! I really hoped it would, and emotionally powerful was(and is still) the goal. For it to affect your feelings is all Icould have wished for.  

Again,thank you for leaving such extensive feedback. If you want to discuss anything I’ve said in this post just send in another ask, I really love talking about my work. For anyone elsereading this post: do you agree, disagree, or do you have somethingto add? Feel free to respond to this post or to send me an ask ofyour own! (anonymous if you want). The more opinions I get the easierit will be for me to see what things I will need to focus on more! ❤

[renaroo]

hi! did bruce ever come to accept that cass DID kill a man or is this something he's still in denial of?

Oh boy, so this is a favorite subject of mine and especially now that we have two continuities to provide comparison for, I’m going to wig out a bit and go for a full deep dive here. My apologies, one and all.

Discussions of murder, child abuse, and suicide under the cut.

New Earth | Pre-Flashpoint Continuity

The simple answer to this is that Bruce learned the truth but rejected the truth and for as far as we were ever given evidence for in all of Batgirl (2000-2006) and all comics after that – minus the OOC “Evil Cass” Saga that everyone agrees to ignore – he basically rejects it without fail. 

Now, one would say that Bruce Wayne objecting to hard evidence on anything is out of character and they’d be right. And, in fact, for Bruce’s subplot throughout Batgirl (2000-2006) that dichotomy actually proved to be one of the leading problems. 

Even when David Cain gives Bruce video evidence of the murder Cass committed as an eight year old child, he is heartbroken but also refuses to accept it no matter how much the evidence stacks up.

[Batgirl (2000-2006) #4]

But, of course, the more he analyzes the tape, the more he looks for signs of tampering or editing, the less he finds, and the more angry he gets at himself for not being able to somehow change the reality of what is happening.

[Batgirl (2000-2006) #4]

This isn’t a new thing for Bruce’s characterization in this era. Earlier that same year in the premiere issue of Batman: Gotham Knights (2000-2006), his “blind spots” were actually the main crux of the issue, as all the evidence pointed toward the son of the two victims being the one who committed the heinous murder, and he spent valuable time and effort, as well as everyone else’s time and effort, trying to find any evidence at all that would prove the truth wrong. To the point that Dick was trying pretty desperately to take the case from Bruce so it wouldn’t bother him so much. 

But even with that case, as as much as it affected Bruce, he ultimately conceded to the evidence. 

Cassandra, though, is personal. And throughout her Batgirl run, Bruce again and again makes comparisons between the two of them. Bruce almost uncharacteristically opens himself up to Cass soon after beginning to work with her. She had be “vetted” by Barbara, easily Bruce’s most trusted ally at the time, had proved herself by saving Bruce’s best friend Jim Gordon, and provided assistance at their darkest hour during the No Man’s Land crisis. But more than any of that, Cassandra was the first person in Bruce’s life who seemed to carry his blind allegiance to the “No Kill” rule that he had. 

And just when Bruce was most confronted with the facts, when he had heard from Cain himself that Cass had blood on her hands, Cassandra proved herself in an act that even Bruce himself would have had difficulty doing as selflessly and heroically as Cass did. She races into gunfire, not dodging a single shot in order to keep a criminal behind her from being taken out by friendly fire. 

And in the process, has a quiet moment that once again shows just how incredibly similar she and Bruce are in their attitudes and mannerisms.

[Batgirl (2000-2006) #6]

And when Bruce asks her about it later, she gives him an answer that seems to help him draw the wool over his eyes all the more, because she couldn’t be so instinctively protective of life like he is if she had ever taken life herself.

[Batgirl (2000-2006) #6]

If Cassandra, who embodies his philosophies and beliefs so much could kill, then that meant that Bruce could kill, and this was at a dark time in Bruce’s life where that very question was something that could have been the end of him, even the suspicion of murder – such as in Bruce Wayne: Murderer?/Fugitive – would tear down everything he believed at its foundation.

But of course, all of this was still a willful delusion on Bruce’s part. Cassandra had killed. Cassandra’s guilt and death wish was because of her past. And just because Bruce came up with any excuse possible to ignore these facts didn’t mean that it wasn’t plain to see for everyone else. 

And thus the main conflict for Bruce in Batgirl (2000-2006) wasn’t really portrayed as him discovering the truth about Cass’ past – he had the evidence for it since the third issue – it was about how his inability to accept it, because of his inability to forgive that fault, fed into Cassandra’s death wish as much as her personal guilt. 

Bruce couldn’t accept the reality of Cass having been used and manipulated to do something so heinously wrong when she was a child, because he couldn’t accept the flaw of his own morality that (at this time in his life) he would not be able to find it in himself to forgive someone he loved and admired so much as a part of his family. His very staunch black-and-white worldview was shaped in a way that it made it simpler for him to put criminals away and to see willing killers as deserving of punishment without nuance was at odds with the girl he had adopted as his own who very much was born as evidence of the world’s shades of gray.

But Bruce wasn’t Cass’ only parental figure. In fact, Barbara Gordon was a far bigger influence at this time and Babs was someone with a far more nuanced outlook. And also someone who believed not only that Cass had been haunted by this crime, but was someone who wanted Cass to learn how to forgive herself for something that wasn’t ultimately her fault. Barbara knew that Cass needed to see from her mentors that she could be forgiven before she could really forgive herself, and as long as Bruce wasn’t budging, she was going to continue on her path of self destruction. This frightened and angered Barbara because she couldn’t force Bruce to believe and forgive, even as the time of the death-by-Shiva was approaching. 

Without getting too much into it, I’ll just say that this sentiment is very similar to the helplessness one feels with being familiar with the signs of someone becoming increasingly suicidal, but incapable of pressing others in the loved ones’ life to open their eyes and see the danger for themselves – to accept that there is a problem so that they can then begin to help heal and fix and forgive for it.

This comes to a head in Batgirl (2000-2006) #23 when Barbara tries one last time to wake Bruce up to the reality of it while Cass prepares for her final fight.

[Batgirl (2000-2006) #23]

Honestly, #23 is probably one of the most underrated issues of the entire series and… while the subject material is dark it’s vital to really understanding what the first third of the run was even about. 

There’s an element of Bruce’s denial that is a bit self serving. He doesn’t want to see what’s wrong with Cass’ behavior or her suicidal behavior – her death wish – because it requires him to defend a fundamental flaw of his own philosophies and beliefs. It requires him to really confront how he’s capable of forgiving criminals who have more identifiable motives and, often, mental illness, but is much stricter and less forgiving of the people he loves most and has the highest expectations of. Usually people whose mental illness and trauma aren’t as easily identified. 

It confronts the mindset of valuing any belief system over the circumstances of reality. And Bruce, until he goes through this himself and forgives himself in Bruce Wayne: Murderer?/Fugitive can’t begin to accept what it would mean for Cassandra. 

But, for reasons that many can fannishly extrapolate on, Barbara can. and it’s fortunate that she can because Cass surviving, Cass being reborn after what is for all intents and purposes a failed suicide attempt, it was Barbara who let her know that her life was still valuable, that her sins and burdens were not beyond forgiveness or made her undeserving of love. That no fault would make Barbara love her less.

[Batgirl (2000-2006) #25]

Cass’ victory in this moment is actually also Barbara’s love as a parent winning as well. Because sometimes putting aside long held beliefs and traversing into new territory to adapt to the grayness of reality is the only real way to be moral in life.

And it’s because Babs showed Cass the way that Cass is able to finally accept herself and see outside herself enough to recognize that same tendency, that same crushing death wish in her opponent as well and ultimately give Shiva the gift of living past a death wish as well.

[Batgirl (2000-2006) #25]

This is just an amazing powerful moment and for obvious reasons can effect many people very differently. This tone, this strangely optimistic story about conquering the shadow of death after it haunts you for all of your life, was one of the most important comics I personally had ever read. And because of that it means a lot to me. I like that there were so many layers to Cass’ feelings, to the reactions of the people around her, and how sometimes those people around her failed her without ever even realizing it. 

And in a way, Bruce did fail Cass in this respect. And it’s because of that that I think a lot of people don’t come away from Batgirl feeling it lines up well with any Batman they know. In a sense, yeah, it feels pretty damning for him to have never accepted the danger Cass was putting herself in, to never fully accept it as something he could change or even that he could contribute to. 

But that’s a sad reality. And in 2003? It would have been all too easy for a parent to write off suicidal teenagers as something that was completely outside of their control, and as much as that angers me today in hindsight, I can’t say that such mistakes would ever singularly make someone a completely terrible person. 

We never get evidence that Bruce accepted the truth later in the series or beyond. And I do think that’s a dangling plot thread that works against the overall “score” of Cass’ Batgirl series as there were quite a few plots that were left aside unceremoniously. But I can also argue that it was something that was left behind because they didn’t think it held any narrative purpose after presenting the “wrong” way someone handles other people’s suicidal feelings. Batgirl is Cass’ story, and Bruce being able to accept the truth for himself once Cass moved past it could have been part of her story, too, but it was still mostly a Bruce story. And it was never brought up in his own series again.

Not to say that Bruce didn’t…. evolve on those thoughts over the years anyway. Just. Not in regards to Cass. Just in regards to Damian and David and…. Selina in hindsight. Comics are weird, and this drop off of this narrative point also marked a lot of change up in Editorial and Writing for the Bat Books that would take us down a path to War Games so saying that we weren’t going to be getting much nuance on the subject is putting it lightly.

Prime Earth | DC Rebirth Continuity

Cass is a really different character based purely on her origins alone in this because a fundamental change was made that... kind of took a lot of power out of Cass’ original death wish by some’s measure, and moved us beyond years of idealizing a teenager’s depression and mental illness in others. It will really depend on what side of the fence you land on for how you feel about either.

Cassandra’s murder was not a nameless mobster here but instead one of her best friend’s mothers, Miranda Row. She also has a mission before she joins the Batfamily of her own volition, one specifically handed to her by Bruce who knows she was Miranda Row’s murderer from the start. 

Bruce’s acceptance of Cass’ past sin is actually the main crux of their relationship in this version and isn’t at all independent of the very real fact that Cass hasn’t been given a mother figure in all of this, there is no Barbara who will play opposite to Bruce’s approaches to Cass’ struggles and past. Therefore the narrative doesn’t have the freedom to explore how different approaches to raising a child with these conditions, especially an adopted child, and so Bruce has to be good and accepting of Cass or else the narrative is just needlessly mistreating someone without giving them any relief or help. To avoid that, both Bruce and Cass have a lot of those layers removed and the story is streamlined. 

Bruce isn’t only accepting of Cass’ past, he is actively encouraging her to move past it and maybe even give up vigilantism and violence as a way to reclaim herself.

....

While simultaneously reminding her that Miranda Row will never come back? But at least Harper forgave her? 

.... Batman and Robin Eternal was a mess.

[Batman and Robin Eternal (2015-2016) #26]

You can sort of see the editors and writers desperate to sidestep subjects they don’t want to deal with but also wanting complexities and so... never... really threading that needle.

But since Bruce never really ignores or avoids her past and her faults, that need for Cass to internalize her guilt and to exile herself from the basic joys of life doesn’t really exist either. If he accepts her openly and acknowledges her past, Cass knows that her idol will love her despite her flaws without a blanketed, irrefutable moment like we got between Cass and Barbara in Batgirl (2000-2006) #25.

Un...less we randomly have it anyway?

So. Starting with the relaunch of Detective Comics in Rebirth, we have the mandatory team-gathering issue where Bruce gives his analysis of all the recruits one by one and it includes a moment about Cass over the backdrop of her saving children from a human trafficking ring -- this is notable only because that seems to be the only thing Tynion ever has Cass doing on her own, busting up these rings, but it’s also never commented on and we’re never told how she tracks these down and whether it’s something she dedicates herself to as it has something to do with her past under Mother and that child trafficking. Tynion likes to... not get too far into the subjects he brings up. Which is again a bit at odds with how the old Cass went.

And in this overview Bruce is giving Kate about Cass he.... remarks that she’s the most dangerous fighter he knows which. Seems to go back on his previous reactions to her where it was all about how he believed in her and saw past her one sin and knew how good she was, enough so he trusted her to run interference while he... self-amnesiaed himself for the majority of BaRE. 

[Detective Comics (2016-present) #934]

This also leads to some questionable choices on how they present Cass’ internal struggles. Because she’s been forgiven, she isn’t isolating herself willingly or unwillingly anymore, and she’s already confronted the murder she committed and received resounding forgiveness from Harper (and notably no one writing cares about Cullen’s feelings on the matter hmmm) who regularly pals around with her now like nothing happened. 

So it’s confusing when the only arc which has centered around Cass so far tells us that she’s... drowning in guilt and that she’s desperate to figure out why Batman believes in her. Even though... we know as readers that he.... doesn’t necessarily believe in her all that much. 

[Detective Comics (2016-present) #950]

I should note that none of this is really resolved by the end of this particular arc. she just. Learns that she doesn’t have to fight alone because she has the family behind her and she gives her declaration to Shiva that “I am not less, I am MORE.” so. What I’m saying here is there’s some confusion and a lack of cohesion in what they want to do with Cass here.

They’re not comfortable with tackling a teenage girl’s suicidal tendencies and, really, that’s more than understandable. I wouldn’t want any writer to tackle a subject that important without having a full vision and lots of comfort in doing so. Even the original take with Cass, which benefited from having different circumstances and an editorial team that allowed for Cass to have two mentors to balance things out with, was far from perfect and Bruce’s part in the relationship is a key example of that. 

In New Earth, Bruce never had to fully confront how he was wrong in his approach with Cass, or the fact that it almost cost his adopted daughter her life. Somewhat ironically, Batgirl (2000-2006) was often limited by its failure to sum up the points of its more complicated perspective and storytelling into exact words. The lessons could be missed. 

But in Prime Earth, we have the broad outlines of a relationship dynamic that doesn’t really match up with the text it keeps providing us with, or how they strive for that perilous tone that was known in Cass’ original series, without wanting to dive into the greater themes and struggles. This is a limitation of wanting to hit those notes without focusing hardly any published page time on Cass and her story. These things will only become more and more noticeable as time goes on and we’re continuously sold this idea of growth and relationships without Tynion’s team actually dedicating the time to them. 

So, that’s my summation of the whole thing! Sorry for going a little extra on it lol I appreciated the question a lot.

[ofgoldenblood]

I had to take the time to come fangirl in your inbox because I am truly in love with your writing. I read your latest update for the 'more than a ghost au' and you managed to make me commit to the story despite my not shipping Lightstar. It's a true testament to how talented you are. My jaw dropped at the quality of this verse. I think your insight into the inner workings of Jonathan's twisted mind is extraordinary and

your portrayal is nothing short of brilliant. You make him human and it’s all that I could ask for when he is the most misunderstood character in this fandom. I especially look forward to every update of your abo verse and your hooker au since Jalec is my otp. These stories make me genuinely happy and there are no words that could possibly express how grateful my Jalec heart is for having such a wonderful writer pen my favorite pairing. From a fan

First of all, thank you so much for this lovely message. Your words really cheered me up & I loved hearing that you enjoy my portrayal(s). There’s a lot of controversy about Sebastian and it’s always nice to meet someone else who appreciates him, despite his obvious shortcomings & villainy!!Tbh, I will never understand why people watch shows like SH & then non-stop point out ‘bad’ things and complain about the bad guys. If you want drama-free & entirely harmless then maybe you should watch something like Dora the Explorer instead of hating on people who enjoy a good drama-driven story. Drama requires villains or at least people fucking up, otherwise there would be no conflict and conflict (& its resolve) is usually what makes a story thrilling or interesting. I’m sure most of us want drama-free lives, but who wants to WATCH that, really? BUT I AM SORRY FOR RANTING… so I will continue to rant under the cut.

I agree with you that Sebastian is misunderstood, even if most people in this fandom immediately start fuming when someone says that. Because they think misunderstood = poor mistreated little cupcake. That is not what he is. He is a killer, he is cruel & merciless and he knows no remorse for the things he does and the lives he takes. I am not excusing those actions.He is, however, deeply disturbed and a victim of tremendous abuse. He was drugged literally before he was born, with something that altered his very being & gave him no chance to grow up a ‘normal’ boy. His mother abandoned him because the only other choice she saw was to kill him. As far as he knos, she never even considered trying to save him. His father never loved him, called him a monster that nobody could ever love & literally whipped him (& probably other things, lbr). He isolated him from any healthy human contact & effectively stole his entire childhood. This is severe emotional and physical abuse and I wish people would stop disregarding that and instead only focus on the fact that Sebastian kissed his sister.

Valentine turned him into not a soldier but an (almost literally) soulless weapon. He made him the possibly loneliest person alive. I once saw a post in the Seb tag where someone said something along the lines of ‘I can tolerate Valentine but Sebastian is just pure evil and needs to die‘ & it pissed me off so much, because it blatantly disregards the fact that it was Valentine who made Sebastian the way he is. We’ll never know for sure, I guess, if Jon/athan Christopher hadn’t turned out to be a sociopath too (you don’t need demon blood for that), like Maia’s brother Daniel for example, but he certainly wouldn’t have been the monster that we see in the books. I really like drawing the connection to Mary Shelley’s Frankenstein in Seb’s case. The monster - as the Doctor himself calls it - is presented as a vile nightmare that haunts Frankenstein and destroys his life - but really all his negative & frightening features are a result of Frankenstein’s treatment, neglect & horror. He created the monster AFTER bringing a dead person back to life. We don’t know how much of Seb’s cruelty comes from his demon blood& how much is Valentine’s influence, but I like to remind people that warlocks are half demon too, and nobody would go around saying Mag/nus is at least 50% evil.

A key thing about Seb for me is that he doesn’t understand himself. He is literally misunderstood in that way. He’s never had a chance to figure out who he is or what he wants without someone’s influence in his ear (Valentine or Lilith). He grew up with a distorted understanding of right/good & wrong/evil, so how is he supposed to agree with the ‘good guys’ when they say that it is not okay to kill someone who poses a threat to you & your plan (which is, essentially your entire life’s purpose??)? Or that desiring your sister in a way that this society finds wrong is despicable? (We literally can’t even agree here on tumblr how ‘bad’ inc/est is!!) He never experienced love, never received, felt or understood it, so he tries to bind people to him to fight his loneliness any other way possible. He is a drowning man who can’t ever escape the water but desperately struggles to stay afloat, because there is literally no alternative.

When his hate & jealousy for Jace (who is not even Valentine’s real son but somehow ends up getting everything that’s supposed to be Seb’s - his father, the illusion of a childhood, time to develop, Clary, even Jocelyn for a while, a parabatai, LOVE) threatens to destroy him, he turns them into the opposite and starts obsessing. He binds Jace to himself, tries to consume him, perhaps to somehow make Jace’s life his own. He will never get love anyway (he doesn’t UNDERSTAND IT, it’s like wanting something you don’t even know) so he’s content to have Clary & Jace with him, even if he has to keep them by force.

Now, none of this means I excuse what he does or did. I just like to think about what makes him tick & try to understand him. I love complex villains. My favorite villain is probably Hann/ibal Lec/ter (more in NBCs Hann/ibal than in the books/movies), who absolutely deserves to sit in prison for all eternity, but still is one of the most fascinating characters ever created, imo. His world view, his morals, his motivations to kill and his excuses for it need to be looked at outside any moral judgement if we want to understand human nature better, I think. You can love a character for their complexity and still judge their actions - and I think that is what most people in this fandom don’t accept. Liking Sebastian does not mean I cheer for his murders and ra/pe attempt.

AS FOR THE MORE THAN A GHOST AU, it’s one of my absolute favorites, atm, because it actually goes against my firm belief that death was the best option for Seb at the end of COHF. He’s not prepared to survive & nobody else is either. He is forced to face the consequences of his actions but suddenly lacks the conviction that they were necessary, good or even acceptable. For the first time he recognizes himself as the villain. Not as a monster- which is something wrong & unlovable - but as someONE who did horrible things & has to take responsibility for them. He is willing to do that, even if he feels like a different person & it’s actually Alec in that verse who kind of allows him to adopt that thought of Sebastian being a different person from Jonathan. That gives Jonathan hope, but at the same time it is his ultimate kryptonite. Whenever he is disappointed in his own inability to be ‘Not-Sebastian’, he regresses to telling himself he can never be anyone other than Seb. Jonathan is an idea without an anchor in reality & on his bad days Jon is convinced Alec is just telling himself & Jon a lie everyday to not feel guilty about loving his brother’s murderer.

I also headcanon that Jon doesn’t immediately become a nice person in the beginning of the verse. He ‘learned’ how to be ‘good’ so he could be able to impersonate Sebas/tian Verl/ac, but he never really internalized it. He is still impatient, more easily angered, looks to violent solutions faster than to peaceful ones. He is used to calculating damage against gain & will choose the most effective way, not matter the cost. Since he has feelings now that he didn’t have with the demon blood (presumably) and also a conscience he wouldn’t wage a war for the hell of it or to get what he wants, or sacrifice innocent people.. but he has yet to LEARN who the innocent people are. If there was a young werewolf struggling on their first full moon, threatening to hurt people, Jon would choose to kill them, whereas Clary & Co would try to help them. He still has to unlearn the rac/ism against Downworlders Valentine nurtured in him. He still has to learn how to take and deal with rejection in a way that doesn’t completely destroy him. There are just so many aspects to this scenario & that’s why I love it so much!!

I AM SO SORRY about how long this turned out, and you didn’t even ask for ANY OF THIS *hides, ashamed*

Thank you again for your message & your kind words. I currently also really love the hooker AU and the a/b/o AU, so I’ll hopefully get to continuing those soon c:I have a drabble planned for the hooker AU in which I’ll write about the first time Jace took money for se/x, if you’re interested in that.Unrelated, Andy & I also talked about a short drabble based on ‘The Other Side’ by Ruelle, so if you enjoy having your heart broken, you have that to look forward to.

Sorry, sorry, sorry.:*