#its getting to depressing lmao
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hate when ppl only view being autistic/adhd/neurodivergent as a bad thing
bc yes i will have a breakdown if it is to loud or a noise is to high
but also the other day i listened to a song and it triggered the happy chemicals and spent thirty minutes jumping around my room and spinning and stimming and it was literally the happiest ive ever been in years
#fairly certain this was a result of my audhd#geniunely the happiest ive been it at least 3 years#think my depressions starting to actually get better#should start demasking more#its to bad my mask is deeply ingrained in my identity lmao#autism#audhd#neurodivergent#adhd#actually autistic#actually adhd
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tbh my latest biggest theory for why HoO and onwards is such a dramatic drop in quality and consistency is just. Rick stopped making teaching guides.
Like, the Lightning Thief teacher's guide is SUPER in-depth with even stuff like sources about middle grade child psychology and exact specifications of where he's applying that, explaining what different character's goals/motivations are, their dynamics with each other and their environments, etc etc. Even specifying which specific myths certain plot elements are supposed to reference or be about.
That stuff just doesn't exist for later books. There's activity guides and smaller, significantly more simple teacher guides for later books but they don't go into anywhere NEAR the same level of depth. The TLT one is a full lesson plan that breaks down the book at every level and explains what's going on and more or less why Rick did that. The others are all basically just glossaries of terminology and some simple question guides.
And they didn't even use the TLT teacher's guide for the Disney+ show because they clearly aren't adhering to any of what's discussed in that breakdown of the book.
By creating a teaching guide alongside writing the actual book, that's forcing you to document what you're doing, why, your sources, and information about your characters and the story they're in. It's like an even more in-depth version of a series bible. But that's lacking for later books (and etc) and it shows because that level of thought and depth and attention just isn't there anymore.
#pjo#riordanverse#rick riordan#rr crit#< i suppose#imo one of the most damning parts of the drop of quality in the later books is you can tell exactly what parts of what books#Rick had planned in advance and which are just filler to get from point a to point b#because characters will jump in and out of consistent behaviors - particularly in HoO - and those lapses where they act weird#are almost always super disconnected from the rest of the plot or storyline or whatever arc that character is on#or are just so clearly sped through because they aren't important#Leo is a great character imo to look at to figure out if it's a filler scene or not lmao#if he's clearly masking being somber by putting on a silly act but dropping it quickly or otherwise largely acting serious/somber#then it's probably a more considered scene and actually paying attention to his overall character arc#or just remembering how the characters are supposed to act (in Leo's case - quiet/thoughtful/somber but masking it with humor/etc)#if he's 100% silly goofy depression arc nowhere in sight then its probably mostly a filler scene or at least his part in it is filler#anyways i highly recommend reading the tlt teaching guide its really interesting actually
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Sorry ive been so inactive recently, I have a life that I needed to get back to for a bit! I am returning with a new hyperfixation (i am seven years late)
I drew me and my friend’s favorite characters in a silly artstyle!! We are going through the game together and we are almost done with Chapter Four (i am so scared) (ignore how tiny Rantaro’s head is) (i rant in the tags beware)
#Me and my buddies favs are Rantaro (mine) Shuichi Kokichi and Kaito#Maki is there to finish the trio and Angie is there because I love her#No spoilers past chapter 5 please!!#Why does Kaitos hair look like that /gen /pos#danganronpa v3#shuichi saihara#kaito momota#maki harukawa#kokichi ouma#rantaro amami#angie yonaga#drv3#drv3 killing harmony#I also gave Rantaro sandals because he deserves them 💙 gone too soon#If you see style inconsistency its because i drew kokichi and co today and the other three yesterday lol#Question why does every fem character have a skirt#Giving Tenko and Himiko pants asap it works fine with the rest of their outfits but i did give Maki leggings too#Miu is so freaky why did they write her like that (we couldnt read half of her lines without feeling utterly confused) /silly#i love Keebo sm im so scared bcs he hasnt died yet#Is it Keebo or Kiibo ive seen both#No comment on Kiyo but i feel like his story could have worked a bit better if the implications were more present#Poor guy but at the same time i dont really like him (justice for my girls Tenko and Angie)#I love Gonta sm i love his obsession with bugs he is so silly#WHY DOES SHUICHIS VOICE SOUND SO EMO IN THE ENGLISH VERSION#Dont get me wrong the va didnt do a bad job i just really like the Japanese version more it fits his vibe so much better#Rip Kaede your death scarred me bcs i had never consumed dr content before starting v3 as a joke#Tsumugi. My behated. THERE IS NO WAY SHE IS THAT BORING FOR NO REASON#Kirumi was gonna snap eventually lmao i would have too /j#Rip Ryoma your love hotel is so depressing#v3 spoilers
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loving hoshina soshiro means being content of being his mistress because he's married to his blades and his first love will always be his anti-kaiju duties. he could love you to hell and back but in the end you won't be able to compete against his responsibility to serve as vice-captain of the third division. it's not that his affection for you is lacking, but it will never be enough to put you on top of his priorities.
the fic is here.
#AND WHAT IF I STAB MYSELF#HOSHINA GIVE ME ONCE CHANCE#sorry guys for all this#its the depression talking lmao#once i get back maybe i can write some cute fluff but not tonight unfortunately#hoshina#hoshina soshiro x reader#soshiro hoshina#hoshina soshiro#soshiro hoshina x reader
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ཐི ₍ᐢ. ̞.ᐢ₎ ཋྀ
#oooof... it's officially my birthday#and i always have bad anxiety the entire day#just seeing the date on my phone or ipad makes me wanna vomit :///#i just hate it so much....#i know it is dramatic but yeah.. :(( i just dont feel good at all and i never do#it's such a deep feeling of that i am so very unimportant#and all i am is a worthless burden on everyone and i should've never been born#i fantasize abt being important and revered and like...#i feel embarrassed even saying it lmaoooo but i fantasize abt my birthday being inportant#even if i know that as an adult and the older u are the less big of a deal birthdays are#it's just that i missed out on sm of it... so i still wish for it#but i feel silly for even feeling that way bc im asking for too much to be important at all#i feel demanding and unfair and expectant and#it is so much easier to just hate myself and wanna die lmao#rather than ...... disappointment and sadness... even after all of these years i still feel so saf#SAD******#and i see my old friends having birthday parties and dinners with a lot of guests on their birthdays#and they still post on eo's walls and like#i wanna cry..... bc i cant even imagine more than one person doing that for me and barely even that tbh#and ppl.. allowijg ME to be important and centered for one day...? thats batshit insane never would happen#allowing******#i know its oversensitive and dramatic and every year im like god shut the fuck up crybaby#u havent been important for years and years and years get over it%#!!!!!* and i try to do that but still every year i get so unbelieavably depressed#excuse me for still having this childish need to want to be important#the way see all of them be.... 🙄 ugh anyway#i wanna die so i can stop being a bother and a burden and suffer everyday bc im not allowed to exist 🙏#im really trying to be brave and shut up abt it but my entire chest burns and my heart aches i feel so so so bad i just wanna cry but i cant
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as we approach the start of a new semester i'm sending all the compassion and empathy in the world to students who struggle with procrastination and what I affectionately like to call the Shame Monster that goes along with it. it sucks to always be treading water and feeling like a fraud to yourself and others, especially when it's something you truly care about. if you're always thinking "why can everyone else be responsible and organized but not me," your brain is overgeneralizing. you're not the only person to experience being overwhelmed and stuck. and even IF everyone else balanced their life perfectly, that wouldn't make you a bad person for struggling. if you care about something but keep avoiding it and don't understand why, there is probably more going than you realize. if your physical and mental health are being neglected, then you're never going to be able to accomplish what you want to do because you don't have any gas in the tank. it took me crashing and failing last semester for me to finally admit to myself that i was suffering from some SERIOUS burnout. i had this whole plan for research i was going to do over the summer and all these opportunities i wanted to take advantage of that i couldn't do because i was neglecting to take care of myself. the worst thing my anxious brain told me could ever happen did happen and i'm still alive. i hope that doesn't happen to you, but know you can recover and come back better. also: it's okay to stop wanting what you thought you wanted, or to take a different path than the one you were "supposed" to. don't do things because you think other people expect you to, or because you think it's too late to change your mind. that isn't sustainable. your college experience is for YOU, not for other people. you can do this!
#these are things that have been said before and im sure other students have figured it out earlier than me#but as i go into my senior year this is the advice i would have given myself four years ago and the stuff im still trying to remember#so maybe it will help someone else :)#*me remembering how i flamed out 3 months ago* girl its FINE YOURE FINE#this was not my hot scholar summer. but it was my ''treat your depression and stop wanting to kill yourself'' summer so i consider it a win#still have makeup work to finish. i'll get there#also i hope this doesn't sound preachy#i have a significant amount of privilege as a student#i dont go to a prestigious uni but i have a full scholarship so i get to study want i want and not worry about loans (<- american)#i have professors who have been flexible with me and supportive family#i know other students have individual economic social familial etc. pressures that complicate what i said above#im finally trying to work with my brain as it is and get out of the AWFUL procrastinate->overcompensate cycle that i've been in for 3 yrs#i dont have adhd afaik but i find posts about executive function struggles EXTREMELY relatable in a way that is probably connected#to my anxious depressive brain#you can ignore my essay this is basically a therapeutic exercise lmao
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depression is really weird actually wdym i spent 2.5 years of my life in bed
#and wdym that lifestyle changed so quickly into being out and about and an active member of the world??#very proud of myself#and i mean it wasn't that quick of a change#it was like 1.5 years primarily depression bedrotting with occasional school -> primarily depression bedrotting ->#primarily depression bedrotting with 3-9 hours of work weekly -> straight into 31+ hours school+9-12 hours work weekly#so there was somewhat of a gradual progression#but still#also wowza i wake up 7-7:30am every morning now. 1pm was an early wake up for a not so insignificant amount of time#i mean of all fundamental growth years to miss out on the ages like what 12/13-15 aren't too bad? they would suck in a different way if i#had been socially involved#anyway it's just. yea i'm proud of myself but it is a crazy lifestyle change#and even when i was deeply depressed in a horrible routine i feel like i learned a lot. how to regulate my emotions and cope well and find#the joy in everything. bc if i stayed in bed all day then i would at least be happy about the sun or whatever#and for the while of being not at school at all i WANTED to be at school i just could not find one bc our school system is so cute like tha#(basically every school is at capacity and the local school that has a guaranteed place for me would have been an all boys or girls 😭)#but i miraculously found and got into this school and miraculously made it work so well for me socially and now academically#it's also a good time to get back into school for my education bc any later and it woulda been pretty bad for all my certifications and uni#ive missed out on so much maths that its not worth it to me to try and catch up but my teacher knows that#but ive always hated maths regardless i only ever understood it for the first half of yr 7 then my attendance dropped#and after my recent exam i decided to try harder at school. but i still got an A on the exam i didn't study for!! academic weapon fr#i'm just idk thinking back to myself in the past few years#and how hopeless it all felt. but i got out of it!! i beat the depression and social anxiety and found a good place and made the most of it#and during the peak of my depression i remember i went out someplace near my old school and panicked so so badly about seeing#kids from my old school. and the friends at the time didnt really check on me when i went to shake and cry in a side street lmao#i kept the best of that friendgroup and have better friends now. but anyway now i take a bus each morning with some kids from my old school#and you see these hands? they look like they're shaking to you?#anyway yeah it's just cool i got to this point :) i really had no hope for so long but now i have a life i'm living and a future i'm build#--ing towards#which is funny i just decided some random day last november after watching some better call saul 'huh actually lawyer would b pretty cool'#and will i get there? we'll see but i do have hope now
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thinking about shinichi actually confessing and getting together with ran despite being a whole ass child like that's so embarrassing for kaito, my dude you need to step tf up, a whole child somehow got to start dating before you 😭
#lets not think about how fcked up it is that shinichi is dating ran while he's still conan lol#let's focus on a shinichi in a wholeass child form was able to get together with ran vs kaito with nothing like thats so depressing 😭😭😭#but kat its all goshos fault theres no progress at all cause of mk hiatus#girl i know!!!! everything is gosho's fault lmao!!!!#i just think it's funny how a whole child is dating while kaito is like 💀💀💀💀 lmaooo this poor man let him have his happy ending too#LMAO#dc prattles
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Spirit animal SQH
#svsss#shang qinghua#but mainly I'm just here to vague post LMAO I don't like to vague post its not very effective in terms of venting but#but basically I guess I'm becoming hyperaware of my like... cognitive dissonance codependency and derealization ee#also my general laziness ig and where it overlaps into executive dysfunction or whatever like I may genuinely have some issues but#I am also a lazy son of a bitch jfjfkgkg and i need to figure out how to figure it out so I can work on both in more effective ways hhggg#oh yeah but basically the thing to remember for later is the silence in the call and the immediate unmute and chat activity once I left#I should remember this and stop interacting I think? I should try to give em space I think I'm being too clingy or something#or maybe my own silence is too awkward and dampens the call? I was kinda just spacing out and not doing anything so I get its kinda weird#LMAO so I should just like try not to be in call for those times mm#I just like being in call with my friends jdhfkg but I suppose its not very good either#I overindulge I suppose another friend pointed it out to me before too haha but fjfjjt its just easier than facing bouts of dread by myself#eehh and that's why I gotta do something about my Metnal Ailneses hfjfj but ngl I don't really know how to go about it...#I get embarrassed looking stuff up djfnfkg and half the time I don't even know what to look up I just draw ?s and I give up#I suppose I also have commitment issues too but that ones not new which is an issue of itself aaaaaaaa#man idk idk I just don't really get it I guess djdjfjf and I've got existential dreads and think maybe it doesn't really matter whats wrong#cause there's no point to fixing them because ultimately I'm gonna die alone and a failure anyways? so like ehfjgkg idk#its depressing and I know its like sabotage cause my brain is being a little silly a little goofy and its not a shared sentiment#with the better half of me and the entirety of my friends but yknow its just ee harder sometimes to believe in the optimism ig#and i can talk about it somewhat normally and without like having a ✨️break down#but yknow djfjgkg I'm very emotional a person ya? I think sqh is relatable for gods sake 💀#irrationality sentimentality nihilism and existential dreads... wanting to die because living is too hard despite all my hopes for living...#just the ol regulars yknow?#and another thing... do I talk to my friends about these things? I vent them out here a lot but what do I really want?#I'm not strong enough to keep it to myself clearly but I'm also too proud to share these thoughts? I dump them out in the open and for what?#whenever someone reaches out with concern and care I don't respond in kind and refuse to elaborate?#so like what do I want with this? I guess I want someone to know I'm going insane half the time I'm awake? but not do anything about it?#that's pretty unfair I guess... and stupid I think I do want to share my thoughts with someone but I'm too scared of the ramifications#and that my pride can't stand the fact I might be looked differently by my friends even tho the image they have of me is already quite silly#man.... idk.... I'll come to conclusions myself and do nothing about them so I guess that'll happen again aah idk idk idk
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Me to my mom about the new Luci HT Tshirt if I was brave enough to ask: so there's this shirt...
#She'd probably tell me “no” the second she sees it.#She also loves Hazbin#But I'm probably already getting a “Take that depression” shirt from same store for Christmas sooooooo.....#And also its a lil suggestive so there's that but I mean...#Doesn't mean I don't want it lmao#hazbin hotel#lucifer hazbin hotel#hot topic#Also it's expensive probably#Since you know...#HT#So ye 🥲
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one of the craziest bat bars like actually
#vee queued to fill the void#WHEN GOTH AND PUNK COLLIDE ITS THE HYPEST DEPRESSION LETS GOOOOOO LMAO#i never talk about kuukou and jyushi’s bond as leader/2gumi since i personally don’t think i need to lol#but the way their ideals just click together so naturally is so satisfying when the story bothers to show it lol#like i am prAyINg that we get kuukou and jyushi clashing over it like they’re both right but kuukou is still wrong lmao#like besides kuukou training jyushi in their debut track kuukou and jyushi haven’t fought yet#as of then that was indicative of their dynamic kuukou is more gentle with jyushi and more firm with hitoya#now tho there’s like………. bits in various places where they’re challenging each other#like when they were competing against each other at video games or jyushi standing his ground against kuukou’s chaos lol#i’m hopeful it’s leading to a confrontation between them fr on god no cap pls it’d be lit lmao#kuukou has won in their little matches i need jyushi to be the pupil that fulfills his wish#and gets to stand next to the man that helped and supported him lol he’s on equal footing with hitoya let’s fully lock in with kuukou#(a fun ichiro and jyushi parallel btw lol like samatoki was that figure that helped and supported him and he wanted to be his equal)#(both kuukou and hitoya are jyushi’s samatoki tho a bit more obscure on kuukou’s end)
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You reblogged the post about how people identify your art, and I have no idea how to explain it, but how you draw eyes is definitely a factor. Otherwise it’s the style, and recently the vent art you’ve been making has so much emotion in it, I’m actually really jealous of your capabilities, even if you’re going through a rough patch right now. I hope it gets better 🤞
aaa thank you <3
i was definately one of those kids that drew eyes on all my school work and notes lol. i defiantely have a very specific way i like doing it and im glad its noticable!!
it may be selfish, but im glad my vent art is seen and appreciated. its incredibly validating to know i can get emotions across in art, and also im not just some weird anomoly for being so upset all the time
#rambles#art trademark#once i can make an animatic without burning out its over for all of you /lh#after a depressive episode it was good to get that gif made#i say after as if im out of it lkjfalsjdkf- after the bulk of the numbness passed#i have so much i wanna draw but my energy levels are still through the floor lmao
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I cleaned my apt thoroughly for the first time in months pls clap 🧍🏻♀️
#like it’s very pathetic that that’s an accomplishment but at this point it is lmao#actually it was only the living/dining area and the kitchen but those were the worst in terms of clutter and actual filth respectively#my bedroom and bathroom are still a mess but i did do minor tasks there too (both!)#just those are the two most visible areas for anyone coming into the apt (thus most shameful) so i made those a priority lol#weirdly enough my bathroom is the thing i stay on top of the most bc i hate the bad Smells in there and bc its dirtiness grosses me out most#i know it takes a lot of effort for super depressed folx (like me 🤡) to manage usually but somehow for me it getting objectively Gross so fa#*fast forces me to clean it regularly idk
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sometimes it drives me literally insane to see romance requests that are like
--I want a romance wherein it's basically the happy epilogue throughout the book
--I want a romance that has great communication and they never withhold anything from each other ever
--no "miscommunication trope"
The last thing is just a general gripe about how so many of the things people say are tropes are not tropes, and it's pedantic and snobby but like. Miscommunication is so broad. It's not a trope. People are miscommunicating. WHAT are they miscommunicating about? Is one of them keeping a secret identity from their partner? Because a secret identity romance iS a trope. Is one of them withholding their feelings out of fear of rejection?
Because people DO miscommunicate. Often writers do write it clumsily. If people miscommunicate for no reason, sure, whatever. But if they miscommunicate BECAUSE of a REASON--like, often it's not even miscommunication lol. It's the hero keeping his dire supernatural secret from his wife because she'll die if she finds out (honestly, valid to me, but whatever). It's the heroine finding it difficult to trust the hero with her heart because her dad left when she was young (maybe cliche in theory, but actually a very real thing that happens).
If all you want is plotless nothing wherein everyone is happy and nobody makes mistakes, I personally have a hard time thinking of it as a book, because there is no story. It's just vibes. And essentially EVERY time, people have to mess up and make mistakes in order for there to be a plot.
I just don't understand the point.
#romance novel blogging#if all you want is pure vibes what you want is a short form story or fanfic sorry#you don't want a book#and i'm not saying every writer does miscommunication right--romance has a lot of clumsy writers who just shove it in#(lmao)#but miscommunication is often a backbone in its most broad form of conflict#'i cannot tell you this thing because i am scared for you'#'i cannot tell you this thing because i'm scared of what you'll think of me'#'i can't tell you how i really feel bc i frankly need therapy'#these are all forms of miscommunication and the thing is that when a writer does it well you don't even call it 'miscommunication trope'#but you'll still dismiss miscommunication as bad#the long game by rachel reid is a great example#generally a really well-received book!#ilya gets distant with shane and shane doesn't take ilya's feelings as much as he should#bc ilya has depression and is not telling shane about it#and there is NO REASON for ilya to do this other than internalized shame and a tendency to hide his pain to keep others happy#this is miscommunication!!! they are not communicating well!!! and people still like the book bc rachel reid is a good writer#who knows how to convey this in a way that isn't annoying and is relatable#lol ofc all of this is also symptomatic of the fact that people can't read nuance anymore apparently#and 'character behaves badly = book bad'#(for the record ilya and shane miscommunicate a lot in both books but those books are widely loved bc again rachel is a good writer)
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in my quest to quell my pain ive only hurt myself worse. damned if i do damned if i dont.
#i need better coping mechanisms but it’s so easy to just turn to substances when you’ve never learned how to cope w your emotions#and physical pain. however a lot of it has been brought on by the substance abuse aka i did it to myself#so i probably deserve it#but i started with them in the first place to get rid of pain that was so overwhelming and constant#it feels like every time i do something to preserve myself im punished for it#and im so sick of it. i cant believe its gotten this bad#i drink to help the pain -> i get hungover and the pain is way worse -> i drink to stop that pain#and the worst part is it always works#realistically ive depended on substances for like a decade#i started drinking at 13 and fell into a rut of alcoholism at like 15/16#my mom was going thru a phase of alcoholism and roped me into it so bad if be woken up by her bringing me a drink at 9 am#and we’d drink till she passed out and i had to walk her to bed and cook for everyone and do all the chores#it went on for months one summer#then it was weed and i smoked every day from like 18-22#only thing thwt stopped me from drinking until i started again after both my parents died#i havent recovered since.#im still so traumatized and depressed that i looked for any method of relief#the dph phase was the worst. i think alc is even better than that lmfao it was horrible#once i got access to alc i stopped all that. wouldnt have if i hadnt had alc tho#it’s honestly been one addiction after the other for a decade#and my parents fueled so much of it#‘oh id rarher you drink under my eye than do it behind my back’#BRUH YOU WOULDNT LET ME GO ANYWHERE OR DO ANYTHING. HOW WOULD THWT HAVE HAPPENED#crazy how i was obsessed w drugs and shit by the time i was 10 and i remember thinking wow im gojna grow up to be an addict.#why am i so irreparably fucked up#idk whatever. like im not gonna drink abt it lmao.
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having a good day is so wild like what do you MEAN I'm not miserable and unmotivated and crushingly apathetic and absolutely exhausted brain fog just want to sleep???
#makes me realise oh. i am not well normally#whoops#i think. i think its side effects from the birth control which im supposed to give three months to stabilise#i do not think it was always this bad#the trouble with me is i cannot ever remember what it was like before#like ive never been good since i was about eleven#but i think this is a higher level of bad for me#worst thing is its still better than it was before#i could not continue having one week of every month be absolutely world consuming depression having to fight so hard to keep myself safe#that was just not continueable#so we tryin#cos yeah its shit and there's been periods where i can barely function#but ive been safe#and its not been all consuming#and its definitely got better so fingers crossed 🤞#the world doesn't hurt today and things are relatively easy#i dont get that very often and it's nice#ANYWAY pity party over lmao#many others have it so much worse#mine
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