#its even less acceptable for a big national chain than it is for a little ethnic food place with like 5 locations all in one state

[scolek]

because if it is, say, the negi that makes it green, then thats a fuckton of negi they have to put in there, right? it affects both the taste and consistency of the broth, but it says that its just chicken broth!!!!!! the website says fucking chicken broth!!!!!!!!!! and thats just not fucking true. because its green. just like tell me what it is. dont be opaque about it. much like your "chicken" broth. and what if its not one of the other listed ingredients. most green vegetables will do that. and it could be any one of them, because they dont say anything about the broth except that its chicken. but thats not the full story.

[sock-ness-monster]

Excuse is granted. Please. I beg of you. Infodump away

Thank you so much I love telling people about this guy

So, to preface this, I'll be telling this story exactly how it was told to me by our camp counselor at a Caveing camp I went to, so it's very much an oral history that maybe can't be fact checked but the broad strokes are genuinely 100% true

TRIGGER WARNINGS: DEATH, DARKNESS, CLAUSTROPHOBIA, GRAVE DESECRATION, CRICKETS

Now that that's out of the way (and please mention if there's any other TW's I should add) the story of

Floyd Collins, The Man Who Was Buried Six Times

This story begins in Kentucky in 19very early, a young Floyd was plowing his family's field when he suddenly dropped through the ground and discovered an unknown cave system. Super cool! Now, people back then did not have television, keep in mind, so caves were really big deals and they were a brand new and lucrative tourist escapade. Floyd's family seized the idea and quickly made a little tourist attraction out of it and started raking in the dough. But they weren't the only ones who had a cave you could tour, Kentucky's geology is super unique in that it has tons of limestone and sandstone which is perfect for underground rivers to carve cool caves out of. They are everywhere in Kentucky and the surrounding area, there was a lot of competition for who had the best, the biggest, the longest cave. And Floyd and his brothers were seized by cave fever and were exploring all around looking for new tunnels and chambers. A large part of this business, unfortunately, was not just walking people through the caves but was letting them take home souvenirs. People could carve their names in the wall, take a stalagmite or stalactite or whatever cool rock they found. Destroying the sensitive ecosystem of the caves. Floyd, the cool dude that he was, was one of the only people who was against this at the time. Good for him! Salamanders are important!

Anyway, Floyd and his brothers are always on the lookout for new opportunities, and there were tons in that area. But, not all of them would pan out. Floyd had heard rumblings about a new cave system called Sand Cave that wasn't far from his family's original cave, which by now had been dubbed Crystal Cave. It didn't seem that promising to most, but Floyd was hoping it actually connected to Crystal cave, and they could tack on so many feet to how big their cave was. So he set off to see if he could find a connection.

He had been surveying the cave for a few hours, and decided to call it quits. He was crawling through a tight tunnel upwards toward the opening of the cave when a rock slide pinned his ankle down tight. He was laying flat with his hands reaching upwards, and there was no way for him to reach back behind him to free his ankle.

He had gone on this expedition without telling anyone.

This was the first time he got buried.

Three days pass, and his brother Homer finally finds him. He tries everything he can think of to free floyd, to no effect. Realizing that this may be a bigger endeavor than he can pull off, he crawls back out to go and find help. It is January of 1925, what else is there to do but go to the newspaper? They publish the story of the man trapped in a crawl way, and it's a huge hit!? People are fascinated by Floyds predicament. They want to help, they want to see, they want to know more. It even makes it on the radio! The three biggest news stories of the time were

1) the war (oof)

2)Charles Lindbergh (will come up again later)

And 3) Floyd in the hole

Everyone in America is anxious to find out how they rescue Floyd. "They" being everyone from the local cave experts to the military corps of engineers to the freakin freemasons, they're all trying to figure out how to free Floyd. Who, ya know, is just chillin in the cave, because caves stay at a constant temperature of ~54° , not too bad for January. His brothers and a reporter take turns crawling down to deliver him the three essentials; food, whiskey, and news. The reporter, "Skeets" Miller, would later win a Pulitzer Prize for his correspondence with floyd in the shaft. Now, as mentioned before, it is a cold and snowy January, but people (nearly 10,000 according to some reports) are so fascinated by the goings on at Sand Cave that they travel from far and wide to be there at the triumphant moment when Floyd emerges. Weeks have gone by at this point. Radio stations are reporting every day, Charles Lindbergh is hired to take photographs of the terrain from above. It's like a big party up top.

They camp out around the cave mouth.

They build fires for food and warmth.

The snow melts.

The cold water trickles down into the cave.

Floyd....... starts to cough.

The cave's already sketchy structure is further compromised.

There's another rock slide.

Floyd is now cut off from contact with the up side world, and the engineers panic and go with a last ditch effort they had been debating beforehand. They can't go around they can't go behind, the only path left was straight down. They drill a hole that reaches the 150 feet from daylight to Floyd's prison. They are too late. He was estimated to have died three to four days before they reached him. His leg is still stuck, and half his face has been consumed by cave crickets. And they just.....leave him there. Whatreyagonnado they shrug, he's already gone we can stop now. They fill in the shaft again.

This is the second time Floyd is buried.

Homer, his closest brother, can't accept this as his final resting place. A few weeks later, they un block the hole and carry Floyd to their family's funeral plot and have a small service with just his closest friends and family present.

This is the third time Floyd Collins is buried.

A few years go by, and the Collins family sells their farm and cave. Unfortunately, they did not see the part of the deed that entitled the new owners to everything in and under the property. Floyd's body is now legally theirs. He is exhumed and placed on display in a glass coffin in Crystal Cave (which years and years later would eventually be proven to connect to Sand Cave).

This is the fourth time Floyd is buried.

If you haven't pieced it together yet, caves were a pretty big deal. We now enter a time in Kentucky history known as the Cave Wars, and they are brutal. How brutal, you ask? Well, to answer with one scenario that happens to be related to this story, the owners of nearby cave were jealous of the attention Crystal Cave was getting from their cool exhibit of Floyd's body, against his family's wishes. Why, the only logical thing to do is steal the man's body and throw it off a cliff. Crystal Cave's new owners would recover it, though minus the left leg. And the next logical thing of course is to put him back on display but this time with a bunch more chains.

This is the fifth time Floyd Collins is buried.

Then, the 60s roll around and Crystal Cave and Floyd are purchased by the National Parks Service on the grounds of being connected to the Mammoth Cave System (the longest cave system in the entire world now). Floyds family is still fighting for his body, and in the 80s they finally get their wish. Floyd is removed from the cave in a 15 day trip and buried at a real cemetery again.

This, is the sixth time he is buried.

A pillar is constructed in honor and perhaps in reparations to all he's gone through, but it is struck by a semi truck and demolished less than a week after its unveiling.

Floyd.......went through a lot. All he ever wanted to do was see some cool rocks and support his family. And to this day, cavers do their best to do right by him. When entering Mammoth Cave, they often ask the darkness to look after them. They aren't talking to the darkness, of course, that darkness that can never be described properly. They are talking to Floyd. Asking him to watch over them as they wish he had someone to watch over him. In the caves everyone is above you, but that's not what they mean. And when they hear a whistle through the tunnels, they like to imagine it's Floyd. Floyd, who was right. The cave was so much more than people thought, in so many different ways. To this day, there's a saying in the caveing community.

"Floyd Lives"

It's like the geology version of "Eddie Would Go". As long as we carry on his legacy of exploring bravely, daring to go where noone has gone before, and do our best to preserve the natural beauty and habitat of the caves, floyd will live on. Floyd lives in our memories and hearts and the drips of water that will one day be pillars.

I don't really know how to end this. Here's a picture of the man himself;

(the picture above is not the tunnel he was trapped in, to be clear)

[erenthecoordinate]

Chapter 138: Dreams vs Reality

So I’ve sat down with my thoughts on ch138 for about a week analyzing Mikasa’s “vision” for character meta and its function to the plot. Needless to say there are polarizing opinions for obvious reasons- but I still feel the need to share my view bc I think it reveals a lot.

Disclaimer: I realize the issue with ship wars. I don’t intend to claim one thing or another; it’s entirely fair to interpret Eren’s feelings in many ways because that’s how this series works. I have no interest in arguing about it.  I’m only interested in the dream vs reality aspects of the chapter.

For the record, I’m working with two theories here and I emphasize THEORIES. It’s cool to disagree with parts or all of it! I do hope my words get you thinking at least a bit though!

The Butterfly Effect

In order to tackle these two theories, the theory of the “butterfly effect,” paths dividing into multiple timelines originating from one singular timeline depending on Eren’s choices, needs to be considered.  On first introduction to the Attack Titan’s abilities, Eren says that the holder can see future memories of its respectable owners.  Thanks to the Paths, Eren is able to communicate with previous holders, like Grisha, to commit acts that would lead him to obtaining the Attack and Founding Titans.  The Butterfly Effect would kick off the events that we’ve been following along in the story and imply that time exists in a circle, since the reason Eren gets the titans is because he was able to convince Grisha to do so by showing him selective memories.

The issue with this is in ch138, if Mikasa’s reality was actually a divergent timeline, if it really were the case Eren and Mikasa would run off together if she had confessed her feelings, there would be no way for Eren to convince his father to give him the Attack and Founding.  Therefore, they wouldn’t have even been in the outside world to run away to, Eren wouldn’t die of the titan curse, which is what happens in Mikasa’s ideal world.

It seems that he needs Paths specifically to communicate with Grisha.  It’s even possible he needs direct contact with royal blood to even see the memories, or else it was needed to trigger that ability for him to now do so more freely later.

Therefore, in this case, we can assume the butterfly effect is either debunked or functions differently than a domino reaction.

Paths exist in parallels – Mikasa’s Ideal is an alternative reality

We have confirmation from the storyboard of the chapter that this was meant to be Mikasa’s “ideal (world).”  Had she confessed her feelings to Eren, she would have suggested running away the night before Eren leaves his friends so that they can live Eren’s last 4 years in peace.  Obviously with the watering down of the Butterfly Effect, we see that it is impossible for this to happen, at least in the main timeline.  

Mikasa experiences a migraine when faced with the reality that Eren has to die in order to kill the “Founding Titan.”  She’s been experiencing these unexplainable headaches throughout the series during certain critical points of the plot that she personally experiences.  We can assume Eren has been lying about the Ackerman abilities in order to push Mikasa away from him, so that she would have less hesitation when she ultimately has to face him.  We don’t see Levi having these migraines when his own “host” Erwin cannot be protected from death.  Even Kenny doesn’t seem to experience or note these headaches when Uri is dying.  The only thing that is mentioned is the awakening power and inability to have their memories wiped or manipulated.

That said, it doesn’t seem to apply to Ackermans actually experiencing what the Founder can show them.  In this case, the theory of an alternate reality would be plausible if one with the Founder can access those other realities.  If Mikasa did experience another reality, it is because Eren who “controls” (or rather is lent power by) Ymir is able to bring her there. This would mean that timelines exist in parallel to each other and there are multiple alternative universes and realities, ones with Titans and ones without.  The headaches may be a result of a resistance that is likely due to showing Mikasa these realities during specific moments, ones with situations that align with other realities but aren’t explicitly converging at any point and her Ackerman blood trying to block that process from happening- with Ymir and Eren together, they are able to breakthrough that barrier.

Now you can interpret that Eren’s reason for bringing her there is to assure her that there is a reality where she suggests running away together and that she experiences that life with the assurance that she will stay with Eren as long as he lives.  She knows that this isn’t her own reality: “I think I shouldn’t be here.” Eren likely also brings her here to show that even with their peaceful life that the conflict still exists and that she still cannot save him.  After he dies, he wants her to detach herself from him, forget the memories, and to be free.

Whatever the reason, we can assume that the “cottage” Mikasa and Eren aren’t the main timeline Mikasa and Eren.  It wouldn’t make sense for the history and it wouldn’t align with their motivations throughout the story.  While the timeline of events up to that point are similar if not exact, their behaviors aren’t quite the ones we have been following.

I’ll explain further but in short to believe the above in genuine runs a high risk of presenting as “character assassination.”  In other words, “out of character.”  (Sorta)

Keeping this in mind, this potentially means that these “path” visits have been foreshadowed and even acted upon by Eren before this moment.  First off, we know that Eren foresaw the future of the Rumbling and “that sight” when touching Historia’s hand.  We also know he sees other moments in between via these future memories.  He is only limited in seeing the actual chain of events that gets to that point.

For years before he concedes to this future, he is adamant about finding literally any other solution that will not result in the Full Scale Rumbling.  When Kiyomi brings up even threatening the world with the Rumbling on top of sacrificing Historia, he rejects that offer, suggesting that they should consider other options.  When Hange says that Hizuru cannot  aid in getting other allies to help them, Eren is distraught by the failure of another plan.  However, he accepts going to Marley to survey the nation to seek opportunities for peaceful conversation.  Before their departure, Eren discusses the potential destruction of Paradis with Historia, saying that their options are to fight or run away- Historia, however, accepts the duties given to her.  Eren knows this option is unacceptable and with that nature he must go forth with Hange’s plan or commit the Rumbling (though of course he knows the latter is the future).  It’s the rescue of the little boy Ramzi that gives Eren the realization that the events are exactly how he saw them when receiving the future memories.  He actually considers leaving the boy behind to change that fate, but his nature, just like how he can’t accept the fate of Paradis to be destroyed, causes him to protect the boy.  Eren realizes that the future cannot be changed- because of fate and because of his nature.

He asks Mikasa the big question and receives her final answer.  This seems far fetched but when his friends arrive to interrupt the moment he says with disappointment that it was “perfect timing.”  Of course, this could also indicate the frustration of having this conversation interrupted with Mikasa, or that he no longer wanted to hear an elaboration because he didn’t expect anything to change, but with the future sight theory he could have foreseen his friends showing up at that precise moment; there isn’t a lot of evidence to say one way or another, but it’s worth considering since even Mikasa is confused when he says this, meaning that there is supposed to be focus on why he says this.  During the conference that proposes Eldian rights, after attendees and speakers insist that the real issue are the Paradisians and they should be ridden of, Eren leaves, now convinced that this is the path he has to take.  All other options are lost despite his begging, and he is sure there is no other way.

Everything seems to go just like Eren plans, including the time to meet up with Zeke; the only obstacle that he hadn’t foreseen was Reiner bringing reinforcements early.  Either these are events leading up to the same future that he did not see, or this is a different Path he exists on.

We see that he convinces Grisha to slaughter the Reiss family in order to get the Founding Titan when Zeke takes them on a “memory lane” trip.  With showing Grisha selective memories, his father decides to hand the titans to Eren just as he did in the “alpha” timeline.  He tells Zeke that he was able to “get to this point” thanks to Zeke, so now he is on the proper path.  Now the events are aligned where he does “see that sight” by contacting Ymir directly and activating the Rumbling.

How did he get to that path though?  Where does it start?  Is there a beginning at all?  Well, either Zeke had led them to a parallel path that was similar enough to show identical memories so to convince Eren that Grisha was brainwashing him—or Eren took advantage of a distracted Zeke to “path jump.”  It’s interesting that Zeke is the one leading them up until the end of the chapter when Eren is the one now pushing Zeke to get to the next memory.  The events up until Grisha gets to the Reiss Cave during the titan invasion occur according to the main timeline.  

At this point, Eren is aware that the future of this timeline is viable, one that he is most “like himself” because his behavior is consistent with his beliefs.  He was always fated to be this way, he always knew that he would never abandon Paradis so long as they were at risk.  He would never allow his friends to suffer that fate.  There was never a future for him to run away and live in the mountains living the rest of his life in isolation with Mikasa.  His very nature would never allow him to.

It is also possible that this foresight didn’t always come with the goal of flattening the entire earth- he would have foreseen the Rumbling not complete, he only ever mentions starting it and “that sight,” points in the manga that we have already seen.  He had the opportunity to prevent his friends from fighting by wiping their memories (save the Ackermans, but even they are just two people), but chose not to due to his ideologies, which he carried since he was a child.  In fact, he goads his friends to kill him.  He knows this is a future he is fated to have.  He expects Mikasa to kill him.  Expects that he must convince her to let go of her hesitation and end his life.  “You should let go of me.”  Why invade that path to tell her this if his goals are to destroy the world, unless he truly expects to stop her and the rest?  How could he foresee “see you later Eren” though as an end to his life?

This might be the answer to destroying the true Founding Titan since it now exists in their physical world as he acts as a vessel.  This might be the solution to eradicate the titans- “destroy this world.”  Disconnect Paths.  Stop the indefinite fate where he and his home perish by erasing the existence of Titans altogether.  Break fate.

It was (mostly) just a dream

The second running theory is that Mikasa really does just experience the moment of “going back to their home” as a dream.  We know she gets headaches at critical moments where she runs the risk of losing someone close to her—and this isn’t isolated to just Eren.  This happens when Carla dies and Armin is on the brink of death.  The dream ultimately is a coping mechanism, wishing for an ideal world where she can live with Eren in peace and isolation, instead of facing the inevitability that Eren must die.

Also the chapter’s title is “A Long Dream.”

Now I’m not claiming that Mikasa is suffering a delusion, because she is very much aware that this “reality” or “dream” isn’t real- just because she is lucid does not mean she thinks this a world that exists for her.  She’s very aware that this ideal world of hers is impossible and was never possible to begin with.  Her dream is a confrontation of the reality that even with an innocent Eren who just wants a peaceful life that it is not aligned with the nature she has watched develop.  As much as she wants to cling onto an innocent and idealized image of her loved one, she knows this isn’t who he is.  This isn’t who they are.

She knows that the world they live in is still with conflict- Eren reminds her of that.  She apologizes for bringing it up because that realization that they left to live in peace and potentially leave their homeland exposed with no alternative solution, simply giving in to the circumstances, is not who either of them are, and to hold onto that image of Eren is merely fabrication.  The entire dream functions as a metaphor.  But in every world, Eren will die, be in by her hands or the titan curse.

[This is alluded to in Lost Girls, another “alternative reality” story.]

It is only disrupted when Eren tells Mikasa to throw the scarf and forget about him because she deserves to be free.  He wears the titan markings of his Founding Titan.  At this point it’s implied that Eren is communicating through Pathways that connect to her dreams.  Remember, dreams (and nightmares) are a very prevalent subject brought up in the series alongside memories- it is possible that the Founder can infiltrate dreams to communicate much like it can bring Eldians to the Path realm.  Mikasa cannot be controlled because she is an Ackerman, but this doesn’t omit the possibility that she can still see differences in her dreams (or reality) if interfered by the Founding Titan.  Ymir allows this open line of communication with the knowledge Eren is convincing Mikasa to kill him.  To simmer down the emotional turmoil, he says that she must forget about him.  Of course, because Mikasa cannot be manipulated, she decides that while she must kill him, that his death is inevitable, she will not forget him.  And he will not die without her expressing her feelings.  That is her own willpower.

At this point, the dream is “shared” between the two because Eren is an active spectator.  When Mikasa says her final goodbye, her “see you later,” it isn’t the same dream as what it started as.  Which is why he is able to remember it in the first chapter.

Now, I say mostly a dream because it is possible that dreams themselves could create alternative realities if they haven’t existed before.  But even if that wasn’t the case, Eren still alludes to path jumping, so the series of events could have still led him to a path that would be able to infiltrate Mikasa’s coping dream, knowing that she would struggle to end his life, but that she needs to see him again and be assured that he wants her to move on with her life, and not to see this as a failure on her part- that her answer really would not have mattered so she should not regret her choices.  She is the one that has to kill him to get to this point.  He expects to die, he doesn’t stop her when she gets in the titan, he seems resigned to that fate.

The dream theory is shorter but I’m inclined to believe that is what really happened with perhaps some mixture of the “alternate realities” theory for the sake of the plot solving the issue of titans, as well as reverting the rest of the cast from their Pure Titan fate.  Getting rid of Paths (the Founding Titan and Eren) is a viable solution to both rid of the nightmare as well as give Ymir and Eren a new life without being enslaved by fate.  But that’s a big elaborate and perhaps too complex theory.  I’m only making sense of how the final chapter may wrap up.

Alternative Selves: Fabrication to Cope aka “Mikasa and Eren would not run away”

Regardless of either theory, we must come to the conclusion that the Mikasa and Eren in her dream, her ideal world, whatever it may really be, are not their main story selves.  In fact it is impossible both because it would break the timeline and because it would not align with their true selves, the ones we’ve been following along throughout the story.  It makes more sense for Mikasa to cope with this ideal of hers, but the moment she enters that vision, she knows that this is fake and that this Eren is an idealized version she created (or exists elsewhere and time).  To believe otherwise is not understanding who these characters truly are at their core.

Regardless of Eren’s feelings towards her, be it romantic, platonic, familial, his very nature, as he states himself, would never allow him to “not make a decision.”  He would never abandon the others he claims to love, the ones he wants them to live long lives, to wander in the dark without at least a warning of the impending doom ahead of them.  He gave his friends the freedom to fight.  He fights for the freedom of Eldia, protecting Paradis.  He could never accept a fate that would allow the massacre of his people, even if he must commit omnicide to prevent it.  Remember, this is the boy who saved a girl he never knew because her freedom was stolen.  This is the boy that defends his weak friend because he values how the other boy’s mind opens to doors to freedom- the boy that gave him the knowledge of the outside world that fueled his ambition to break down the case in the first place.  He doesn’t want to live a mundane life.  Especially not if his oppressed people are in danger.  This is the guy who has a superior officer who calls him a monster that will not submit to any cage anyone puts him in- he has the fire in his eyes to keep moving forward, to persevere against all odds. 

This is the man that would lay down his own life if it meant Paradis would be saved.  He would simply never choose the option to run away from that, not even dream about it.  

He knew he wanted to see that sight.  He was shown that image.  That is his ideal world.  His vision, his dream.  Which means he must fight and move forward.  Find a way to save his loved ones so they live long happy lives.

And, honestly, it’s inaccurate to call Mikasa selfish for her ideal life because while she would want to live alone with Eren by her side, when being reminded of the carnage that will take place and that they are not there to help, she submits that it is something neither of them could accept.  She might want to run away to have a peaceful life, but not with the knowledge there are consequences for doing so.  That there are people she would leave behind.  She wouldn’t leave them to that fate.  Her actions to stop Eren is evidence of that.

As much as she loves Eren, she has devotion to her homeland and her friends, too.  To run away would be uncharacteristic.  This is the girl who decided to fight when the boy who saved her was in danger.  This is the girl that chose to keep fighting even when her closest family, the one she loved, was “killed.”  She is the girl who threw the knife away and promised that she would never leave her friend behind.  She stays to fight for her home, Paradis, because it is her birthplace, she belongs here- she wouldn’t run if her home is in danger.

Which is why, to assume they are the real Mikasa and Eren in Mikasa’s “ideal world”, is utterly and completely misread.  That is not nor ever what their characters would lead to.  The idea of running away would be barely a flicker of a thought at most, but even then, it is uncharacteristic to act.  Unreal.  Just like their artificial selves in that “dream.”

It isn’t like Isayama didn’t allude to Mikasa and Eren separating.  He does so for Armin when they have clashing views on the world and their own selves- Armin being more “worldly” and explorative and Eren being more “self-focused” and personally ambitious.  Mikasa would sympathize more with Armin’s point of view, but her desire is to be by Eren’s side.

Isayama gives his opinion on Mikasa’s determination to be stuck to Eren the entire time.  It is a “pitiful” existence.  She is willing to even shoulder his burdens just so he could come home, that perhaps his emotional distress is the reason he is causing mass destruction.  She is desperate for this.  That is… not exactly productive of her character, or the plot.

However, he clarifies that this is his view on Mikasa’s course of direction.  Her ideal is to be with Eren forever.  It may not necessarily be entirely positive that she leaves him behind since deviation from that ideal isn’t guaranteed growth.  Isayama has a habit of allowing his readers to experience his work with their own interpretations.  Just because he believes Mikasa’s existence with Eren at a constant is unfavorable, everyone will see it that way.  Perhaps it is a good thing that she has a goal to work towards and that it is the fuel to her fighting spirit.  That her desiring a peaceful life with Eren is a good motivator.  Or alternatively, her fixation on Eren would lead her into more dangerous situations that would risk her life, it has her see an unreal version of him, unable to accept his fated death that she is willing to sacrifice everything, even if it means shouldering the burdens he carries, if it means he lives.

The message is clear, however, that whether you, the reader, sees that as wholly positive or negative, or a mixture of both, the intention is that she must let him go.  She must accept his death.  Because if she is to keep her home, a semblance of peace and closure, save her friends- this is how it must end.  There is a beautiful nuance, however, that Mikasa is given the opportunity to forget so that she can avoid the suffering and be free, but she chooses not to- just as she decides when Eren is first taken from her.  When she initially thought he died, she decided to keep fighting to honor his spirit and memory.  She never wants to forget him.  Even if he will die in every reality they share together, the worst thing in the world is an existence without even the memory of him.

This is why she is able to get that closure.  She expresses her feelings and says her final goodbye, in this world anyway.  “See you later” because she will still have the ideal dream knowing that while it isn’t real, it can never be real, not for her, but his memory will live on with her.  And she can carry that memory without sacrificing her agency, her home, her friends, her love.  That is what she is meant to do.

Anyway, I wrote this mostly to observe the function of Paths and what Mikasa’s dream infers is possible, and an opening to a solution, as well as her decision to end Eren’s life.  The dream speaks loudly of Mikasa and Eren as characters because it shows us what they are not.  It emphasizes the characters that we have been following since the beginning are raw and motivated, destined to live their lives fighting and protecting and moving onward, never surrendering.  And to insist otherwise would be a disservice to how they’ve been built up to after all this time.

....

[Once again: Despite the language in this, the manga has always been a work to be wildly interpreted in a multitude of ways, I just speak passionately about why I think certain interpretations don’t make since to my own. But nothing is indefinite. The material is flexible. See it how you wish.]

[howimproper]

For Qingming x Boya. Qingming slowly changing Boyas mind about demons

So, this went in an unexpected direction but I can't say I don't love it 😂

A Road Less Travelled

When Qing Ming had contacted him via magic ear to set up a rendezvous, Boya hadn't thought in a million years that it would go this way.

Typically, it's to join forces for a hunt, (Boya is convinced this is no more than an excuse however, because those hunts are always well within Qing Ming's ability) or instances gaining in frequency simply to catch each other up on their lives. To share in a companionship that grew quickly and terrifyingly as easy as breathing. 

Boya is not adverse in either case. 

With the death of the Empress, Boya's life had changed exponentially. His presence in the palace or even Imperial City itself required less and less until he is eventually finding himself sent far and wide. It's not only him, he knows. His sect was created and maintained to protect the palace from the threat of demons and spirits alike, and just because the Evil Serpent housed within the deceased Empress is no more for a time, does not mean other threats do not exist. As the head of the sect and arguably its best warrior, Boya is no stranger to his skills being in constant demand- however his superiors willingness to grant so many requests is...new. 

Boya can't decide if they're trying to get rid of him, or are simply uncertain of what to do with him and his unexpected fame at being one of the main hands that dealt with the rise of the Evil Serpent and, by happenstance, the death of their nations ruler. Do they lord him as a hero, or an unwitting traitor quickly swept under the rug? 

Never mind that the Empress had seen to her own demise. Boya has, and never will, understand nor enjoy politics. He much prefers the simplicity of wandering village to village to city to countryside in search of his next quarry. Less politics, less complication. He has grown used to and learned to embrace the isolation, and emphatically ignores the pangs of loneliness he certainly does not feel when he is surrounded by people who do not know him or his mind. 

He most certainly does not look forward to the warming of the magic ear he had gifted Qing Ming, or the smooth, almost playful cadence of his voice when he is contacted at random for reasons innocuous or intent. And he most definitely does not drop everything he happens to be doing at the time to indulge the other guardians whims. That would be irresponsible of him, not to mention undignified. 

Except sometimes he does and he's not even sorry, what is wrong with him. 

It has only been a handful of short months since the last time he'd dropped everything to find his feet taking him to a quiet lakeside home near a far away mountain. Not long at all since he'd indulged in the tranquillity and ease of the only presence he'd found that did not raise his hackles or feel like the weight of chains on his shoulders. Boya is self aware enough to know that he is not a people person. He has the skills, as all those born amongst the elite do- but he has long since grown too abrasive, too direct from long years spent honing his body instead of his tongue to be comfortable rubbing shoulders with self important nobles or braggart so called intellectuals masquerading as scholars. 

Once, when he was younger and blinder to the truth of the world he dwelt in, he might have been more suited to opulent surroundings and the couth if hollow companionship of the equally sheltered and stupid. But then his mother had been torn from him, and he'd become more austere, rough, jaded. Not consumed, but definitely intent on ideas of revenge and self righteous anger at the being responsible for the death of his innocence. As he'd grown in body, skill and mind however, Boya had honed those qualities into a fine weapon that he aimed mercilessly at not just the one, but the whole of demonkind. 

Boya has hated demons for so long, that when faced with the man who was for all intents and purposes his opposite, he had found the control he sweat and bled for crumbling to dust between his fingers, and he had lashed out. 

He still doesn't know, to this day, what stayed his blade throughout the infancy of that acquaintanceship. Whether it was the presence of his fellows or the weight of the task they all shouldered- until eventually time and exposure had ever so slowly smoothed reflexive hackles, if only enough for him to notice the quiet, sombre air of understanding that permeated often short and prickly interactions. 

Only for those hackles to stand straight back up with every instance of sympathy or outright regard for the beings that exist purely as cruel thorns in Boya's soul. At every sign that this man prefers the company of beasts, kin of half of his blood.

Boya hates demons as surely as the sky is blue and his heart beats within his chest, but against all conceivable reason, Boya can't hate Qing Ming. 

When he tries, Boya just finds that he hates himself. 

Against all logic, it was only the passing of days that tempered him to the man's presence. Barely moments in time that gently uncoiled the tight grip of his ire until he found himself beset with an inexplicable sense of kinship that brought nothing but confusion in its wake and made every attempt at rebuke reflexive and half hearted at best. Until they stopped all together and Boya instead found himself drawn in ways he'd never before experienced. Until for the first time in his life, he'd turned the weapon crafted from the bleeding edges of his stone heart to protect an existence he'd spent longer hating than living. 

At first, he told himself he did it out of duty. There were a great many lives threatened in the City, in the world, and he would fulfil the purpose he'd curved into himself gladly and with a small, quiet relief. But that had only been part of the reason, and it had taken some long months of separation and reflection before he'd realised it. Then some further time spent agonising over the ambivalent nature of the realisation, and a few shameful nights spent trying to drown it. Boya is not known for seeking life's answers at the bottom of a bottle, but if there is one existence that can drive him to it, it is probably Qing Ming's. 

He can't decide if his eventual acceptance of the matter was brought about by lowered inhibitions or the regretful insight one experiences only during the first moments one opens their eyes to a truly magnificent hangover. Mayhaps he simply grew tired of waking up face down on or sprawled half under a drinking table in some out of the way inn room he’d stomped into at some ungodly hour. 

Honestly Boya thinks he probably shouldn’t drink at all. His constitution for it in excess seems to leave much to be desired. He can’t be good at everything, he supposes. A realization he is endlessly glad to have come upon alone. Gods forbid he be prone to acts not of his character whilst sober, (if he had had company Boya is of the mind that he might have bemoaned the sorry state of his life in a most undignified manner and he swears never to drink again. It’s only a short while later that he makes a liar of himself and wakes with the indentation of bamboo and regret pressed into his brow.)

The occasional presence of his dizi on the table leads him to think he might be either a whimsical or maudlin drunk. All the more reason to avoid it, (he hasn’t received any complaints yet, so at least he does it well quietly, aish.) 

He is not pining. He isn’t. 

And if he’d come to an abrupt halt in the middle of a busy street to many startled or annoyed protests the first time the magic ear he’d given to Qing Ming had warmed, no one needed to know, because Boya will take it to his grave. 

It’s a process of years, but it is, regardless, a process. One Boya hadn’t much fought against after those first few nights spent agonising over it with the taste of wine sharp on his tongue. The fact that it came about even without the confusing presence of Qing Ming there to turn his life upside down resigns Boya to the belief that he is indeed quite pathetic, all told. 

Still, he always answers, and still, he always eagerly goes where bid. 

Boya wishes he could hate it. 

Never more especially than the first time he meets a demon picking wildflowers of all things on an overgrown road obviously less travelled, (a small, unwashed slip of a thing in the guise of a child, with eyes too big when they’d met his and small, girlish hands clenching in fright around green stems) and lets it go. 

He’d grasped the hilt of the blade carried at his back, fully intending to draw it when, inexplicably, he’d been taken in by the fear in its- her eyes and felt not like a righteous man, but a demon himself.

What is wrong with him.  

He tells no one, and drinks himself into a stupor the next night. He ignores the wildflowers he finds outside his door the next morning. 

It’s all Qing Ming’s fault. Him with his ridiculous exquisite robes and that stupid fan he hides those mischivous attractive smiles behind. Gods, he’s pathetic. 

“Is this where your friend is waiting, Mr. Boya?��� Small hands grasp and tug on the sleeve of his travel cloak, and Boya resigns himself, once again, to the lack of urge to shake them off. 

“Mn.” He grunts in reply, and the little girl trailing at his side like some misshapen duckling beams, wildflowers in her hair. 

How the mighty have fallen, he thinks as he weaves a path through the small village towards the tea house he’d been informed to meet at, freshly washed and happily bouncing demon child following at his heels. He has gone from mercilessly slaying demons to throwing the cute ones at someone always too happy to take them. 

Divine Lord take him, he is so pathetic.  

[irkimatsu]

Okay, after way too much delay - it's my Eurovision 2021 Final Ranking! This took me a while for a lot of factors - took extra hours at work to make sure I could get time off this week, some recent family events... and most relevantly, the fact that this year is so damn good that no matter what, I knew someone was going to get ripped off by ending up somewhere in the bottom half. Just know that being toward the bottom of the list doesn't necessarily mean I dislike it, especially this year - it just means I like other things more. This year is going to be an absolute bloodbath. I am both excited and terrified.

Try not to take my ranking too seriously, by the way - I'm an American who unironically listens to stuff like Scooch and Dolly Style. I'm not exactly a seasoned music critic. I just know what sort of music makes the happiness center of my brain light up, what the hell is music theory

Ranking made with the sorter at http://esc.gerbear.com/sorter2021.htm, then slightly adjusted when it put some songs concerningly low on the list. Okay, so I cheated a little

Firstly, in the interest in completion - if Belarus didn't get disqualified, they'd be in the big fat 40 rank, with a big bold "Hate" right above. Fuck that song. I've only listened to it once and am so glad I have no obligation to acknowledge it any further. Those fucking lyrics. Mother of Christ. Fuck you guys.

I also offer my condolences to Armenia for their having to bow out this year. I'm sure whatever you guys sent, it couldn't have possibly been worse than "Chains On You".

Now, for the songs that actually matter:

Indifferent:

39 – Spain - “Voy a quedarme” by Blas Cantó: Welp, already I’m gonna get shot. I can’t remember how this song sounds at all. I know it’s tender and genuine and sweet and everything… I just… kinda don’t care. Nothing to say. I liked his entry last year even more, and even that was pretty damn dull. Just not destined to be a Blas Cantó fan, I guess!

38 - North Macedonia – “Here I Stand” by Vasil: I’m with most other rankings I’ve seen; what the hell is this? I at least kinda remember it, which is more than I can say for poor Spain, but oh my god it’s so boring. I really liked “You” last year! What the hell happened, Vasil?

37 – Albania - “Karma” by Anxhela Peristeri: Another “oops” from me, huh. It’s another one I immediately forget about the instant it ends. I at least don’t remember it boring the crap out of me, hence it placing higher than Spain and Macedonia, but I still can’t say anything nice about it – or anything at all, really – so I’ll leave it this low. I acknowledge that I’m in the minority, I won’t protest if it qualifies, but personally, it’s not my pick.

36 – Georgia – “You” by Tornike Kipiani: Give him points for passion, I suppose! At least I’m not laughing at him like I was last year. On the other hand, less ridiculous also means more boring. Points for earnestness, but this is just another song that goes right over my head.

35 – Portugal – “Love Is On My Side” by The Black Mamba: An English song from Portugal? That’s new. Too bad it hasn’t rescued the song from the darkest depths of Boring. I will confess that I spice it up a little by associating it with Homura from Osomatsu-san, thus rescuing it from the deepest pits of my ranking list… but it’s still stuck down here. Portugal and I have never gotten along well Eurovision-wise. I’ve come to accept that.

34 – Slovenia – “Amen” by Ana Soklič: I’m gonna call this a song that I respect more than I like. She’s got a great voice, I can’t deny that… but when I’m ranking this purely based on what I’d go out of my way to listen to, this one falls flat. I warned you at the beginning that I have no taste! I’m not normally into straightforward ballads, the religious connotations are lost on me… this isn’t the song for me.

33 – Austria – “Amen” by Vincent Bueno: Back to back “Amen”s! Tip for getting me to like your Eurovision entry, apparently, is “don’t call your song Amen”. It’s a ballad, earnest and trying but overall not my type of music. I’m running out of ways to say that. Breakup song, a tad bitter, we’ve all heard this sort of song so many times before. It doesn’t stand out, and I think it’d be a waste of a spot in the final.

At least, I thought this was a breakup song when I first wrote this, but apparently it’s about the death of a loved one…? I would say that makes me hate the bitterness, but… given how I’m handling a death in my own family right now… god, I don’t know. I just can’t handle this song, not at any time but especially not now. It doesn’t even provide catharsis like a song later on in the list. It stays this low regardless of its meaning, I just don’t like it, I’m sorry, moving on.

…�� 'Cause it all feels like you didn't even try to save us, all this time wasted on a lie”… ugh, my personal problems…

32 – Switzerland – “Tout l'Univers” by Gjon’s Tears: Another one I respect more than I like, and another opinion I’m gonna get my ass beaten for, I’m sure. I respect the artistry, but this is so far removed from anything I’d ever listen to on purpose. It might have landed even lower if I wasn’t afraid of pissing people off. I’ll understand if it wins, but I’ll also be hoping for most anything else.

31 – Russia – “Russian Woman” by Manizha: I don’t get it. Sometimes it’s pleasant enough to listen to, but overall I don’t get it. It’s unique, I’ll give it that! I understand why it won its national final, and why so many people enjoy it! But for me, it doesn’t quite cross that line between “interesting” and “enjoyable”. I'm not Russian - this isn't for me, and it wasn't supposed to be. Though I will confess that there may be some bias at play here. God, I miss Little Big…

Okay:

30 – Estonia – “The Lucky One” by Uku Suviste: The voice is okay, the music is okay, I like how the bitterness is handled here more than in Austria’s… but this is still as high as I can go on this one. It’s serviceable, but this year has so much better to offer.

29 – Sweden – “Voices” by Tusse: Sweden really does like sending the same song over and over again, huh? I don’t hate it, but it does strike me as a lesser “Too Late For Love”, sound wise. Sweden almost never takes risks, and it’s causing me to look over them more and more with every year. I respect it too much to put it in the “Indifferent” category, but given how the rest of my ranking played out, this the best I can do for it. (But again, do not trust the opinions of someone who teethed on cheesy Europop and fondly remembers when Sweden was flooded with the stuff…)

28 – Belgium – “The Wrong Place” by Hooverphonic: Once again, Hooverphonic help Belgium fill the role of Eurovision’s “Most Likely To Appear In A Bond Movie” song. It’s fine. It’s a song! I don’t know what else to say about it! It does its job well enough, it’s just not really a job I care for that much.

27 – Ireland – “Maps” by Lesley Roy: It’s cute enough! A cute little radio tune. It’s no “Story Of My Life”, though. If “22” couldn’t qualify then this probably won’t, either, and I can’t say I’ll miss it all that much. Still pleasant enough when it comes up on the shuffle.

26 – Bulgaria – “Growing Up Is Getting Old” by Victoria: I admit it, this ranks as high as it does because of anime and that’s basically it. If I was still doing plain category sortings this would have landed straight in “Biased”. My favorite anime is about a bunch of 20-somethings learning that growing up sucks and trying as hard as possible to avoid it, and I first heard this song around the same time that I watched that show’s relatively melancholy season finale, so it ended up sticking with me on that note. Don’t have much to say about it musically, just that it makes me picture sextuplets crying and that’s one of my hobbies, so I’ll grant it an “Okay”. (It may also worth noting that if I heard this song before 2019, in the state my life was in before then it would have probably left me too inconsolable to listen to it more than once. Growing up is growing old indeed!

…it’s also worth noting that after I wrote this blurb, a major event happened that really enforced that growing up is getting old, so I listened to this quite a bit for a few days, among some other non-Eurovision songs. I’m probably gonna have an emotional breakdown on Thursday when this one starts. So, um, look out for that, guess. Between this one and Austria’s, I swear to god…)

25 – Italy – “Zitti e buoni” by Måneskin: I’ve been trying to get this one to rank higher, I really have, but its inability to crack the top 20 just says a lot about how damn good this year is. It sounds great, it’s very well done, and I wouldn’t hate to see it win! It’s earned its popularity. Everything holding it back in my own personal ranking is just that, personal – I do lose something when I can’t sing along or understand the lyrics, and there’s another rock song this year that I like way better. Still wishing you guys the best!

24 – Netherlands – “Birth Of A New Age” by Jeangu Macrooy: This song has a great style that I respect a lot. The message, the vibe – even if it’s not a culture I’m a part of, I feel and appreciate the hell out of it, and I really hope it does well. I don’t understand why so many people seem to think it’s not interesting! It may not be the sort of thing I’d go out of my way to listen to, but I’m glad it’s here. Catch me singing out “Yu no man broko mi” on Saturday! It’s been a while since I’ve given a shit about a host country’s entry, so I’m really glad for this one.

23 – Romania - “Amnesia” by Roxen: I’ll admit something else unpopular – I hated “Alcohol You” last year. Didn’t see what the big deal was at all. It sounded okay, I guess, but the lyrics were so pretentious and awful, and I’ve never liked the topic of “I love you even though you have no redeeming qualities whatsoever and you make me feel like shit”. But it seems like in that year, Roxen has discovered that self-love is important, actually, and it’s not worth it spending your time on some shitbag who consistently disappoints you. I appreciate it for that alone. Character growth! Plus, I feel the whole thing of “forgetting how to love yourself because everyone around you sucks”. It’s not the perfect song, not by a long shot, but it has a nice melody, and Roxen has a nice voice. It’s good to hear her using that voice on something I don’t find obnoxious.

22 – Norway – “Fallen Angel” by TIX: Okay, I’ll admit it, this is one where I watched the live video the first time I heard the song, and I was too busy laughing at his outfit to take the song seriously. Jesus Christ, dude, what the hell. Well, that’s Eurovision for you, and the more I listened to it, the more I admitted to myself that I’m a sucker for “I love you but letting you go for your own good, not sure what I ever offered you in the first place” type songs. Knowing the song is inspired by his own disability and self-loathing really twists that knife, to the point where I feel bad that I almost threw this at an anime character. I know I’m usually cold on songs that try to evoke emotions about the singer’s personal problems – Germany 2018, and this year’s Austrian entry – but this one really works for me. Only reason it’s in “Okay” tier is because of its competition – it’d rank way higher in a weaker year.

21 – France – “Voila” by Barbara Pravi: I like a good waltz, I guess! It’s a unique number, and the French language sounds nice, especially with the music. It’s yet another example of how this year is filled with so many interesting entries that I appreciate the hell out of. God bless this diverse year! (Or maybe everything just sounds so good to me because last year’s cancellation left me in withdrawal.) I expect a really nice performance for this one – this song isn’t one you can perform while just standing there, especially not during that speedup toward the end.

20 – Australia – “Technicolour” by Montaigne: That song that sounds like it’s about stripping if you don’t know that she’s saying cloaks. (Guilty as charged.) It’s catchy and fun, and I really love it when it first starts… but unfortunately, it does wear out its welcome toward the end of things. It’s a good party song, just a little repetitive. I still like it just fine, and wouldn’t mind seeing her in the final this year! Hope the performance is colorful and sparkly, it’d suit the song well

Like:

19 – Germany – “I Don’t Feel Hate” by Jendrik: I know stereotyping is bad but I was not remotely surprised to find out that Jendrik is gay. This song is pure gay sass, and god, I love every minute of it. I fully expect it to fall on its ass – this wouldn’t make it to the final if it wasn’t an automatic qualifier – but I’ll have a grand old time watching it! The sarcastic lyrics, the cheerful little ukulele, the middle finger costume… this song is a delight. Only thing that I think really brings it down is that weird spoken bit that interrupts the song. That’s so annoying, brings me right out of it. And I did purposely rank it below songs that aren’t complete shitposts. But thank you for your existence, Jendrik, your contribution to Eurovision is much appreciated.

18 – Israel – “Set Me Free” by Eden Alene: I said it this year and I’ll say it again this year, Eden Alene is a goddess of a woman. Absolutely gorgeous. Appreciation for pretty women aside, it’s a fun party song in a sea of fun party songs! I really do like it, I like her voice, but there’s so much else this year that drowns it out – not much stands out here compared to later entries on the list. Still a good song, though.

…and I do not expect for an instant that this is going to make it to the final. …my personal ranking is based on how the song sounds, okay? Just the song. Just the song. Nothing else. Just the song. Anyway…

17 – United Kingdom – “Embers” by James Newman: What’s this? A UK entry I don’t find bland as off-white paint? That doesn’t happen often! I didn’t like his entry last year, romantic ballad bla bla bla whee, but I’m always down for a good party song. It’s a little generic and radio friendly, sure, but that doesn’t mean it’s not fun as hell to sing along with!

16 – Greece – “Last Dance” by Stefania: I really liked last year’s “Supergirl”, but figured it didn’t have too much of a chance because it struck me as being a little too teen poppy to be taken entirely seriously. It seems like Greece thought so, too, because they’ve ramped it up with this year’s entry. They’re not playing around anymore, sending a grand, powerful song that, like “Embers”, is fun as hell to belt. This is another one I’m really looking forward to the live performance for – the music video is gorgeous, and I hope they capture that same majesty on stage!

15 – Moldova – “Sugar” by Natalia Gordienko: Oh, Moldova, I’m so glad you guys decided to be completely batshit again this year. I’ve missed your nonsense so much. Dancing ice cream cones. Cake men. This video is glorious. And the song goes well with the insanity! A catchy dance tune that can only be improved with downright insane staging. Please let the dancing ice cream cones be on stage, I’m begging you

14 – Latvia – “The Moon Is Rising” by Samanta Tina: A unique electronica number backed with a powerful as hell voice. I can see where all the wubbing would get on people’s nerves, but personally, I love it! I love the voice, I love the attitude, Samanta just oozes confidence, and if she doesn’t make it to the final it’s not gonna be because she didn’t give it her goddamn all.

13 – Poland – “The Ride” by RAFAL: Why is this one so unpopular? You people don’t know how to have fun. Yeah, yeah, last year’s “Empires” was a powerful song… but I like my club nonsense much more, so I’m favoring this one. Yet another song that gets me pumped – this whole Contest is gonna leave me with a smile on my face, there’s so much good party music

12 – Azerbaijan – “Mata Hari” by Efendi: Yeah, they’re basically just sending “Cleopatra” again, but “Cleopatra” was so goddamn good that I can’t even blame them for it. This song needed a chance to compete, and I’m glad it’s getting it again this year. I like it so much that I can even forgive the line about being a “godless”. Oh, Europop, don’t you ever change.

11 – Cyprus – “El Diablo” by Elena Tsagrinou: Huh, I didn’t know Cyprus had perfected their Lady Gaga cloning technology. Neat. More seriously, the early 2010’s club vibe of this song is exactly my jam, enough that I can forgive the “I’m in love with a horrible person” theme. (I think I forgive that theme a lot more from catchy party songs than heartfelt ballads I’m actually supposed to feel for.) Hell, I even like the creepy chanting! Sure, it’s a little cheesy, but cheese is always a good ingredient when used in moderation.

(How many songs are we going to get this year, not just in Eurovision, about wanting to fuck devils? I mean, not that I don’t get it… mmm, Akuma Ichimatsu… um. Anyway.)

10 – Czech Republic – “Omaga” by Benny Cristo: And here we enter the top ten of a strong year, where I’d love to see any of them win! Benny, what is with that title. Why. Ah well, like I said earlier, I do like moderate amounts of cheese, and this song is more than fun enough to have earned itself a ridiculous lyric or two. It’s unique, I’ll give it that! The song is just so bouncy and fun that I manage to ignore how pushy the singer is. Another one I expect big things from the staging for.

9 – Lithuania – “Discoteque” by The Roop: Ignoring the current events that surely inspired the song, I do love the more generic “party song for introverts” read on it – if only you knew how many one-person dance parties I’d had in my own house. This song speaks to me deeply. I can’t even begin to call it a joke song; I think it’s doing exactly what it set out to do, and it’s doing it oh so well. God, those synths. Totally okay with dancing alone!

8 – Iceland – “10 Years” by Daði og Gagnamagnið: I want Daði Freyr to adopt me. I don’t even care that he’s younger than me. He’s just such an earnest, fun guy, and I love his 8-bit aesthetic! And come on, he submitted a song about how much he loves his wife! If I ever stop loving this song it’s because my heart shriveled and died. Love isn’t dead, it’s just in chiptune now. I will throw things if this doesn’t make it into the final, do you all have no souls, this is too damn cute

7 – Serbia – “Loco Loco” by Hurricane: Another group I am so excited to see return, because I adored “Hasta La Vista”. I don’t know if I like this one quite as much, but it’s still catchy as hell! I love trying to sing along with it despite not knowing a word of Serbian.

6 – Croatia – “Tick-Tock” by Albina: Another catchy-ass club song! What more can I say? I love how much of this stuff we got this year. I will absolutely be screaming “Don’t go, don’t go, don’t go!” Oh god that was cheesy… I’ve been working on this ranking for too long. Don’t know what else to say about this one, just that I adore it. Just barely missed the top 5.

Love:

5 – Malta – “Je Me Casse” by Destiny: This girl’s got pipes– not surprised to hear she won the Junior contest before! I get major “Toy” vibes from this song, and you all know just how much I adored that one. Aaa, those horns! Expecting big things from you, Destiny! We may have our winner!

4 – San Marino – “Adrenalina” by Senhit – As much of a soft spot I had for last year’s “Freaky”, I don’t think it was gonna make it into the final, unless Senhit had the blessing of the same angels who were looking out for Serhat in 2019. This one, though? San Marino tasted the final two years ago and they are never giving it up again! This song goes hard! Love the song, love the video’s aesthetic, I even kinda like Flo Rida’s rap, even though I’m still baffled by the idea that I have been regularly listening to a song featuring Flo Rida on purpose. I don’t know what he’s doing here but I’m glad he is. Please, please make it to the final, San Marino! You clearly want the hell out of it this year! Favorite club song in a year of amazing club songs.

3 – Finland – “Dark Side” by Blind Channel: After spending about five seconds disappointed that Finland wouldn’t be sending Pandora this year, I gave this song a shot, and was not expecting what it gave me. I feel like an angsty middle schooler again, and it is bliss. This is everything Hatari wanted to be, but unlike Hatari who just confused me, I absolutely love the hell out of this song. …some of those lyrics, though. “27 Club, headshot, we don’t wanna grow up”? Yikes. But as dark and questionable as it might be, I can’t help but get pumped when I hear it. Definitely my favorite rock song of the year – sorry, Italy!

2 – Denmark – “Øve os på hinanden” by Fyr & Flamme: I love you, 1983. I don’t care how dated it is when my entire soul consists of a disco ball. The song’s so damn cute! This is the one member of my top 5 that I’m most terrified of losing – I know it’s not popular, with everyone calling it dated, but my top 5 always has that dated song that I love the hell out of becauseit sounds so classic. The translated lyrics are adorable, too. Even if you guys flame out in the semi, you’ll live on in the disco in my heart.

Favorite:

1 – Ukraine – “Shum” by Go_A: Holy fucking shit. There’s something about the blending of traditional and electronic that gets me hyped – see KEiiNO – and this one does not disappoint. The last minute of this is the best minute of Eurovision this year, and god, the buildup! I don’t even know Ukrainian but I am trying my damnedest to get the lyrics down, phonetically, at least. You know that “dancing goths” meme video? That’s me whenever this song comes on, especially during that speed up. Love the hell out of it. Could Ukraine be on its way to another victory already? I sure hope so, because this song fucking rules. Definitely checking out the rest of the discography someday, if all of their songs are in this folktronica style then they’ve gotta be a treat to listen to. Go Ukraine!

Ideal Qualifiers (favorite of each semi in bold):

Semi 1

Australia

Azerbaijan

Croatia

Cyprus

Israel

Lithuania

Malta

Norway

Romania

Ukraine Semi 2:

Czech Republic

Denmark

Finland

Greece

Iceland

Latvia

Moldova

Poland

San Marino

Serbia

This is definitely not what's going to happen - there is no universe where Switzerland and Sweden don't make it - but it'll be interesting to compare the reality to my hopes.

Let's go, Eurovision 2021

[a-student-out-of-time]

Twisted Sister Arc Review Part 1

Hi guys I’m the Anon who does the reviews around here…guess you could call me the Review Anon? Wonder what the lore behind me would be…anyway that doesn’t matter! Point is, I have an Arc to review and Jesus is this a big one. So big that A) I’m doing submissions (with permission from the Mod of course) and B) I’m splitting the review into 3 parts. Heavy Arcs are Heavy and a LOT of stuff happens here so let’s get right into it!

So, the parts of the Twisted Sister Arc are first the Massacre, second is the Mindwipe and third is the Prison Break. Last one doesn’t start with M but I’m not doing rhyming here, but that’s enough time wasting let’s get right into it~

Massacre

Easily the darkest part of the Arc but given the Arc is basically Kanade being a Slasher Killer here, what do you expect? While Danganronpa is a franchise about murder, and we had serial killers in it both canon and fanon the nature of the Killing Game means that a full-blooded mass killing akin to many slasher films hasn’t really occurred in the franchise before. This makes Kanade’s bloody rampage here even more disturbing, as while we have had mass killings before, see Mukuro’s rampage through Giboua Middle School in Killer Killer, those are established as backstory drops for the characters, we never actually see one being carried out in action. And going back to that massacre, Mukuro only did it because Junko thought her sister’s killer intent might have slipped and it’s to prove to her she is still a killer, but here Kanade is killing for cold blooded revenge. And she doesn’t just kill a bunch of randoms as she brutally murders Iroha, Peko, Akane, Nekomaru, Sonia and Kokoro very brutally and very effectively. I knew something was up given that the entire school went into lockdown and all the fighters from Class 77-B were geared to fight Kanade to the death, and Kanade is such a pansy of a fighter that Sonia beat the living shit out of here, and Syo was taken down by the QC, and we all know how terrifying Syo is. But once the bodies started to drop, I knew that the first time that Hajime would reset on purpose was coming up and there were so many questions. Who set Kanade up for this? Someone had to be helping her…. but who and why? Juu could have let her out but he couldn’t have supplied Kanade with her tools and intel (more on that later) so it has to be someone else.

Within the darkness of this timeline there is of course your heroes. There are those like Peko who got a lucky shot on Kanade which set a chain line of events leading to Kanade’s death, Mikako who made Kanade’s injuries worse and Kokoro who stabbed Kanade in the eye. But those small victories led to total loses as even if Peko didn’t die, she would be crippled for life and moreover she failed to protect her classmates from Kanade’s wrath, and Mikako lost her mother, just as she started to finally connect with her. You may have noticed that I haven’t mentioned two names yet, and that’s because they deserve their own paragraphs, I am of course referring to Nikei and Hibiki.

I’m gonna start with the next person who attacks Kanade and that is of course our Journalist boy here. To say this day has been terrible to him would be a massive understatement as one minute he is suffering an energy crash from downing one too many Red Bulls and having lewd thoughts, to running faster than if he happened to be in Mexico (Seriously, if you happen to be a journalist just don’t go to Mexico) to Hope’s Peak and thanks to Ankle Effects, arriving alongside Hajime to a bloodbath. There’s his constant refusal to accept that Iroha is killed, even though we as the audience knew that given Iroha tried to stop Kanade as soon as she arrived at Hope’s Peak and that Kanade was seen by Sonia and co chopping up security guards, the likelihood of her survival was next to none. This carries on from the conversation Nikei had with Yoruko in the previous Arc where he still believes he is dangerous and that he doesn’t see the other Voids as friends or equals, but rather he took the role as leader because he wanted to have power for once in his life, something he alluded to in the Void Theatre during Chapter 5. However, his reaction to Iroha’s unknown safety, and eventually the truth that Kanade really did butcher the poor painter, proves otherwise. While Nikei’s relationship with his fellow Voids canonically won’t get revealed until LINIQ decides to get around to doing the Onmake mode, in which one of the stories in that is going to be about Void pre Mikado- with someone, most likely Nikei, being the POV character, here the fact his first thoughts upon finding out his ‘little sister’ is dead is to disregard the no-killing rule and just beat Kanade to death, proves that he does care about his fellow Voids, but is in several layers of denial. Out of all the Voids, Nikei is easily the most guarded and paranoid of the lot, and while the others have loosened up around Hajime and co, Nikei still has a lot of inner demons he has to deal with before he could truly open up to the rest of the QC. And Kanade chopping his right hand off, doesn’t help matters though I do give Nikei credit that unlike in the OG timeline, where upon his right hand been blown up by his exploding gun, he just broke down crying, here, he tries to carry on the fight regardless, or he would have had the other person I need to talk about didn’t show up. This is pretty important to establish that while most of the Voids now are pretty far removed from their canon selves and are unlikely to regress back in that, Nikei is still closely tied with his bastard canon self and more work needs to be done for him to detach from that.

But moving on from someone who needs to get some work done, let’s move onto someone who has seen the natural conclusion of their character development, Hibiki! Ever since Hajime and Chiaki rescued Hibiki from her twisted sister (*rim shot*) back in July, she has been making a ton of progress, firstly coming to terms with what Kanade did and her true nature, developing friendly healthy relationships with Class 77-B, the QC and of course a romantic relationship with Hajime. It seemed kind of cliché for Hibiki to fall for Hajime but then again a) Danganronpa can be cliché at times and B) As a Danganronpa Protagonist Hajime cannot turn off his swag. Then there is her officially joining the QC, learning how to fight and being a complete and utter badarse and a caring lover when needed as she confronted Hajime back when he died the second time. We all knew it was only a matter of time when Hibiki had to confront her sister and when Kanade broke into the school, we saw fully, how much Hibiki has grown in the past 3 months. The old Hibiki would have curled up in a corner terrified, crying and probably going into the Puppet State. Here though, Hibiki’s FIRST THOUGHTS upon finding out that Kanade is more dangerous now is to done some armour and get some weapons, and face her sister head on with no hesitation. All without going into the Puppet State at least once, which probably means that its more or less gone now. Kanade tried to talk her sister out of fighting her, but Hikibi isn’t buying Kanade’s insurance anymore and a fight breaks out. If this ever gets animated or becomes a visual novel, I would love to see the Hibiki vs Kanade fight animated as its brilliant, its epic and it’s just so satisfying to see Kanade getting the living snot beaten out of her. You could argue that Nikei’s mauling of Kanade was like that but there, Nikei was more or less in grief due to Iroha’s death and the whole thing was as painful to watch as the final fight in Captain America: Civil War, not saying what because spoilers ahoy. Here though is a glorious battle, as Hibiki gets to deliver justice onto her demonic sister and it is SO SO satisfying, given that a reset happens shortly afterwards.

And sadly, with that, we come to easily the weakest part of not only this part of the arc, but the arc overall, Yasuke’s multiverse theory. It could be written better, and even the Mod agrees that the way it was presented shouldn’t have been the way it worse, that having Umeko throw some ideas at Hajime and him coming to the conclusion that they might have been living in a multiverse be better narrative then Yasuke be like ‘Oh hey I am suddenly an expert on Time Travel now’. It would make Hajime breaking his no kill rule that much more impactful as he doesn’t have the excuses of not only Nikei’s who was currently going through a mental breakdown, and in the current plot where Yasuke more or less planted the seed of doubt in Hajime’s mind. Yasuke still has a role to play in this arc but during the Massacre timeline, I feel like he could have been removed entirely from the plot and not only would it have made no difference, but then most readers wouldn’t be complaining about it as much as Yasuke being a general A-hole wouldn’t tick them off. I’m not saying ‘THIS IS AS BAD AS ONCOMING STORM’ as that Arc was just a giant clusterfuck of a mess, and aside from this one part, the arc is very strong overall, but I will give criticism when due. I’m not mentioning my thoughts on Yasuke as a whole here because he’s more relevant in other parts of the Arc. However, Hajime killing Kanade and himself at the same time is brilliant and seeing Kanade begging for her life as Hajime throws her out of the window is so satisfying given not only all the crap she has been dealing up until that point, but also because in SDAR2, she was 100% fulfilled with the events at that point and given it was HIBIKI who was begging for her life then, let’s just say karma is a bigger bitch then Kanade is.

And that concludes the Massacre part of the Arc as Hajime kills himself and Kanade at the same time and he goes back to just before Nikei started to have indecent thoughts. No time to look at the 3rd page of the national newspapers’ boy, we got a serial killer to stop! And with that I’m stopping here as the Massacre part is finished. But this review is far from over, this is just here because otherwise my, the Mod’s and everyone else’s brains won’t be able to process all of this. Stay tuned for part 2 when we cover Kanade’s capture, a scrum debate among the QC and a bold move by the Mod which I do wish will come up more! Until then, Adios! - Review Anon

//Part 1 of 3

//Finally get to submit these

[cat-with-a-tie]

A DenNor analysis of sorts

Hello, sweet chirping crickets! I’ve been shipping this ship for literal years now but have never plucked up the courage to actually interact with anyone or anything, so I’ve no idea why I’m doing it now, in the year of our Lord 2019, but hey, it’s never too late to get dragged back into aph hell.

I plan on posting a series of long ass rants that absolutely no one asked for in which I attempt to discuss the dynamics of DenNor and the Nordic characters in general, drawing mainly on Himaruya’s portrayal, historical facts, and my own headcanons, so welcome to the first installation of Stuff Nobody Really Cares About that I Wrote in a Fit of Boredom and Self-indulgence!

Before we start, if anyone’s reading this at all then please bear in mind that this is mostly just IMHO. And since there’s no correct way to ship a pairing (this cannot be stressed enough), my interpretation is just that—my personal interpretation, and it is by no means impartial because there’s definitely a healthy dose of my own preferences in there. Actually, I haven’t got any mutuals to talk to at the moment, so if my interpretation’s terrible, by all means go on and yell at me, I will love you to death for it.

In this post I’m going to rant about Norway’s personality (or his lack of it, thereof; don’t worry I’ll get to it later), with just a tiny segment on Denmark thrown in the mix, because hey, I do need to sleep.

“Anko” and its implications for Norway’s character

So, as most people probably already know, in the Japanese version Norway calls Denmark “anko”. In the Northeastern dialect he speaks, this is something like a diminutive form of “big brother” or “boss” (yes, Norway calls Denmark big brother!). In East Asian cultures, it is commonplace for younger men to address older ones (related or not) by honorifics ranging from super courteous to super casual, such as “aniki” in Japanese, “hyung” in Korean, and “da-ge” or “ge” in Mandarin. “Anko” also falls under this category, although it is still more casual than the more ubiquitous “aniki”. I struggle to convey its exact denotations in English, but all you need to know is that this is an affectionate way of addressing a man older than you.

But here’s a funny thing: Himaruya once stated that Denmark and Norway are “like classmates” （同級生）. Now, the Japanese term actually has a somewhat different meaning from the English one; “doukyuusei” does not strictly refer to people who are/were in the same class, but to people who belong in the same school year and therefore, in most cases, share the same age. This actually makes sense, because if we consider history, up until the 14th century or so the three Scandinavian kingdoms developed at much the same pace, so it would be reasonable to assume (despite Himaruya’s being abominably vague on nation mechanism) that the characters are of similar ages as well.

Why, then, does Himaruya have Norway refer to Denmark, who should be about the same age as he is, as “anko”? The thing is, aside from denoting age difference, this sort of honorific can also denote a difference in status. Even if someone is not significantly older than you, you may still refer to them with an honorific if you feel their status is above you or wish to pay them respect in an affectionate way.

So, consider this: Norway does not disrespect or look down on Denmark at all, in fact, he respects him enough to call him something akin to “boss” or “older brother”. Bear in mind that this is Norway we’re talking about, Norway of the onii-chan obsession! There’s no doubt that he sees a great deal of significance in this sort of thing, otherwise he wouldn’t be so bent on having Iceland address him as such. And he calls Denmark “big brother”. Just… just take a minute to let that sink in, will ya.

So this brings us to the main subject of my essay, and that is that Norway, for all his sass, is a bit of a doormat.

Now, before anyone starts yelling at me about how his people are perhaps the most fiercely patriotic out of all the Nordic countries, please let me finish my theory. You don’t get independence after centuries of being a glorified trophy bride and not feel the need to vent all that pent up frustration, after all.

First, if you look at strips such as the Denmark vs. Sweden frozen lake fiasco, you’ll see that Norway basically goes along with anything Denmark does, even when he’s actions are outright harebrained (and, to be fair, they often were). He might nag, and he might throw in a word or two of complaints, but at the end of the day Denmark calls the shots, and Norway seems pretty content to let him do so, even when sometime it’s him who has to bear the consequences of Denmark’s brashness (historically, during the many conflicts between Denmark and Sweden, many of which Denmark initiated, Sweden would often bypass Denmark and invade Norway instead, since its lack of military prowess meant that Norway could be used as leverage to force Denmark into accepting all sorts of outrageous conditions; meanwhile, any sort of military action Denmark engaged in was exceptionally taxing—no pun intended—on Norway due to its small population and frequent food shortages). 

Also keep in mind that compared to the strips set in modern times, Norway’s treatment of Denmark was considerably milder in the medieval era. My theory is that his attitude towards Denmark only soured after the chain of events that eventually lead to his independence in the 19th century, buuut that’s an essay for another time! Right now I’d like to discuss a personality trait of Norway’s that fascinates me a lot and directly ties into his tendency to be pushed around: his standoffishness.

This is a character inclined to keep on the sidelines and just watch things unfold, even when said events concern his very own person. He doesn’t seem to give a fig when Denmark and Sweden are fighting to the death—hell, not even when they are fighting over him, something that happened a lot in history.

Now, I can think of two main reasons for this passiveness, the first being that Norway, unlike Denmark, probably knows his own limitations to a degree that I believe must have been painful for him at times (not that he shows it, anyway). Although of course being able to see and communicate with magical creatures could result in one being a little less interested in the mortal realm, I find it unlikely that he was always this disengaged. He was once a Viking, after all, and up until the 13th century his kingdom was arguably the most powerful and expansive in all of Scandinavia.

But then, of course, came the Black Death. Norway’s decline in the late Middle Ages was in fact facilitated by a myriad of factors including civil war, incompetent politicians, and either a shortage or a surplus of kings, but having three quarters of its population decimated by the plague was perhaps the heaviest blow of all, and by the time the Kalmar Union took place the prospects of competing with Denmark or Sweden were pretty bleak.

From there on was what 19th century Norwegian nationalist poet Wergeland dubbed the “four hundred years of night”. Although most modern historians agree that Norway was far from destitute under Danish rule and may even have benefitted considerably from it, in terms of Norway’s development as a character, I reckon it could be said that he was, in fact, shrouded in night. The night in question, however, as opposed to being a symbol of Danish tyranny as Wergeland probably intended it to be, would be more of a metaphor for Norway’s own willingness to “fall asleep”, thereby shutting out a world in which he knew he has no say. In this way, he turned a blind eye on Denmark’s ill-fated endeavors, on Sweden’s budding ambition, on the animosity brewing between his two friends, and probably even on Denmark’s mistreatment of him.

During the Kalmar Union, he must have known that he was the weakest of the three kingdoms, and that it was better to just let things take their course instead of joining the fight for hegemony along with Sweden and Denmark. During the union with Denmark, he knew too that life would be far easier if he just went along with things; after all, he knew Denmark, he knew he was stubborn and that he would stop at nothing to get what he wanted. He also knew that Denmark meant well and that, despite everything, he cared a great deal for his family, as shown in the tax raise strip where Norway tells Denmark that “[it’s OK] because you’re trying your best”. 

It’s possible that Norway also derived some degree of consolation from Denmark’s affection, in that even though as nations they stood on uneven ground, as friends and as people he could still trust Denmark to have his best interests at heart. Also, by telling himself that he and Denmark were “in this boat together”, Norway could avoid the sense of relative deprivation that arose from being a nation in an unequal union, and subsequently avoid feeling resentment towards Denmark, whom he’s always cared for and perhaps even looked up to despite everything. His referring to Denmark as “anko” despite being roughly the same age as him can perhaps be interpreted as a sign of this (arguably unwarranted) trust.

So in short, a prolonged sense of powerlessness led Norway to become emotionally detached as a form of defense mechanism, while affection for his childhood friend made him reluctant to put his foot down when Denmark’s arrogance and blind optimism threatened to get out of hand. All this serves to expedite the standoffishness I mentioned earlier that is typical of his character.

Thus, if we accept the theory (note the italics) of Denmark once upon a time being abusive, I personally find it plenty believable that Norway would just, well, lie back and take it. In part because he cares deeply for Denmark and is dependent on him in a bit of an unhealthy way (there’s already a wonderfully insightful post right here on tumblr addressing Norway’s shyness and how his trust in Denmark sometimes manifests as crassness, so I’m not gonna go into that here), and in part because he knows being submissive is the path of least resistance. Taking whatever Denmark the person inflicts on him would still be far more ideal than going to war with or losing the support of Denmark the nation. So yeah, lie back and think of yourself, I guess.

In this regard Norway’s mentality is drastically different from that of Denmark and Sweden’s, which is that one should always fight a losing battle if the alternative is being trod on. He acts more according to strategy, while the other two act more according to pride and passion. The upside is that, being more pragmatic and knowing his limits, he knows better where and how to deploy his strengths; the downside is that he can at times come off as a bit of a pushover.

Incidentally, this is why I find WWII history to be so damn interesting in terms of the Nordic’s characterisations, because we get to see the Viking Trio seemingly go against everything that had until then defined their personalities. To be fair, this is way after all that fucked up shit with the treaties of Fredrikshamn and Kiel, which I consider a major turning point (or mental growth spur, if you will) for all five Nordics, so I reckon it all still kind of makes sense because of the wonderful mechanics of character development? But then again, that’s an essay for another time!

A bit on Denmark

I like to think of Denmark’s behaviour during his youth as the result of a misguided desire to “play house”—out of love for his family (arguably for Norway in particular) he wishes to keep them safe, and what better way to do that than keeping them all under his wing? Sure, I’m ready to believe at least some part of him was fueled by bloodlust and a thirst for power, as is often the case with nations, but in general he simply didn’t know better.

In the mean time, Norway’s docile compliance did nothing to curb this misconception; worst case scenario, it only served to fuel it, make Denmark feel like he really was the leader and that it was his obligation to be in charge for the sake of them both. I consider their relationship in this time period to be quite toxic, even though related strips show them to be closer than ever.

For me, a significant part of Denmark’s character development is him realising that the happiness of his loved ones should not have to depend on him, and that one can be loved without being needed (in terms of DenNor, it’s him learning to love Norway as an equal and not just someone to be protected/coddled).

For Norway it’s the opposite—he learns to regain control over his own life, to stand up for himself and to love Denmark without taking any bullshit from him.

[screechingtrashcalzonewombat]

"Apopalictic Astral Asending" Reavaluate disassociate my self worth...

The galaxies have birthed an uncontrollable being ....

I've feel as tho Ive seen myself split in two ..

Witch side do u wanna see if ur lucky I'll let you choose .

Cause in the end I loose..

One of hate one of love could both be from up above..

Or down below ...

I've began to show signs of delusions as half my mind goes an tells me it's only mild confusion. As my body fights my brain an heart to escape theys terrible illusions.

Yet the other half tries to start a fusion of body an mind an all the suddently my thoughts are no longer mine..

But a evil so Divine that its wound it's way threw time itself I've fealt the damage the energy dealt. I've yelped in anquish an pain been stuck for 7 long years in the rain with nothing to gain .. I can barely fathom to explain im not fully on earth I'm on another astral plane but i fear i flew out of my lane I've gone insane never wanted fame Ever fealt like bat man I mean oops Bruce Wayne. Nah fuck hes spoiled a wet rat infact I'm more like hulk duck when I'm near i wearly see I'm drowning inside my mind but no one can hear my dear I fear I've lost control again but cant compute I've been booted out of the system I've clawed hit an kicked to try to get to the top but i outta of known I've been ripped an thrown from my throne ive been shown what this beast can do but who woulda thought a demon bought my soul ..a jackal a goul.....you'll see me shift into numbness I suposse it was my own dumbness for being to open now cause of me my body an mind are broken an stole. as I weep an shutter an i try to speak but only stutter I found myself weak in defeat ....as ik this demon reaching its peak will plunder an pillage the town I've found I'm bound to this beast nowhere to run not north south or east I can run it will feast on my soul until the end of time ..

For diamonds cannot compare to the rarity of a soul nor a bowl of Ruby's an jems rolled in gold .....

A bold statement you say........

.. theres no ray of light here they stole it away buried it in your mind but how can u define being locked trapped in yourself ...

You've dealt your own fate ...

Wanting ansers u dint deserve ..

Did you like your just dessert's...no?

Dose it hurt ..... After you itll kill children's childhood freinds like bernie & eart ....whent bizzirk an bashed there brains makeing bloody rains

curking on everyone with cutlery forks an knifes* slice *cook big bird with chives after I've shanked him 900 times... 100 more woulda been devine serve him drink to dry alone cooked an ripped him to the bone but not quite alone u may not be home inside but u can still watch...I thought I taught u better than to close ur eyes dont beg or look surprised look away an I'll adopt another stray to do the same a slow sweet death cure's my hunger anyway

.the wines innocents blood bitter sweet to the taste of the tounge

no one thought it capable I seemed...looked ...so young..

They dint know it had just begun it wasn't me but the evil half committing crime with glee an fleeing repetavidly revealingly images to my mind of times & crimes so sickening I thought I'd die forever scetched seered into my mind .binded with no power as one towers over you using your power you cowar for how dose one define the disasbalment of there an every defined mind while ur inner demon dines on flesh making a mess of your vessel you cant even wrestle your way to the light to stay only break down in defeat that your so far away you've became an internal mess cant even stand on ur feet the beast has u chained in defeat u cry an apologize looking for answers as of how to stop.....an then...you hear a voice .." you outta stayed silent instead of talk back. U shouldn't of complained do u still think ur life used to be pain...... . Ur a sack of shit ur wit is less than that of an ant not to rant but I'm not done yet I have ur soul now I'm never letting go no no no I have plenty more so much to show many souls to reap an emotions to subdue after all u said yes.....

...did you forget ur the one who started this.

mess ......you dressed your mind with fantasy an fiction word to the wise never mess with other worldly friction an your itching for a way out but I doubt ull get there before the end of time .after all you had a devil an an angel on ur shoulder an you chose wrong this time. Only took 666 times but I'm patient an always waiting for 6 years hating an burning flesh waiting for a prayer a call after all Lucifer was once an angel an the most beautiful you just dint get to see from what angle he had beauty wrath an determination but u humans resulted in his isolation incarsorason. So now we will end up being humanity's enialation when were done there entire selves with evaporate for the demons have released self hate to pro create creatures in confidence we annihilate the fate of the human race at least the trace slight like us able to bust threw dementions so weve mentioned a start to find the inordinary soul an heart ......humanity was doomed from the start.. you stole our purpose our reason to be......humans sit in sin an glee.

Your humanitys Pride is overbearing never genuinely caring ..

Greed is sweeping the nation its reached ever state an it's got a hot heaping plate of corruption for mankind's consumption greed is grotesque in its steps of the darkest quest to corupt ur mind an want. .want..want until that's all you are is wanting more

Lusting over losely draped garments you've tarnished ur soul .

Envy of what you do not posses but for all you know that information an life would make you a mess but ud still test ur envious tendencies.....

Glutton glutton what have you gained it's not knowledge no for it's to plain rather glutton uve found a urge that wont go away....

Wrath an vengeance blood draw too no one stops till some dies him or you....

Sloth last but not least cant forget you cause uuuh wait what that fuck do u do....you sleep an sulk sit slither out of simple tasks an that's why ur not 1st no ur last like humanity just ask ....

So soon the day will draw near the the number 4 is what you should fear our dear old freinds were sending up for a visit so they can reddit ur fate for each a horse an a trait the first out the door with bow in hand riding a white horse with bow in hand

..

Conquest the start of the final test leading the restthere dark version of light on a white stallion he leads the way an soon will follow hades anyway.

War was next on a red steed he rode prepared to purge an quench new blood for the wars an battels would just begin brother against brother an close of kin witch to win?

Famine foe of all on a black horse with the courses hair so fair merely bone but dont let his appearance fool you hes for he is full devouring your greed taking away everything you want or need an now ur rationed to nearly starvation stretching farther than destination world wide sensation...

Pleage reaper of souls slowly apears steadly trotting riding a very sickly steed looking pale an almost gruesome green with sores an sickness best keep a distance. For he shall be the bringer of death an reap you all one by one to the four you shall fall...

Will you be spared are you true....

Are you happy with your life what did you do...?

Rapture no you still must die.....

Say good by to this earthy chapter theres so much more that manifest after.

But only your earthly husk must rust an fall your all energy of grate mass....

It's time to take the task of self evolvment an enjoy an enlightened installment

this world was just step wrench ur third eye wide open an accept the token of eternal life.

Grinded it to atoms a flash of dust all together ur a self fulfilling must memory pass u in a rush.....

. sudently ur bodysuit is gone ....

But it dint felt like it quite belonged.

You were 7 grams of light matter to be exact an sudently you've cracked the atmosphere ..steering energetic waves my metal psyche caves to the new information flying threw stars consolations.

Suddently speeding at the sound of light the stratosphere seems to disapear ..

My fear is gonewithout a trace an freedom transferred in its place

but am waved in infatuation to find out about out true destination...

Restoration of the soul the goal of a higher self being achieved as I crash into the sun 1500°

I feel a warmth like no other each being hues of light I might of missed earth if not I heard a voice but a mental push no need for speech just thinking it shall be done said by the the brightest in the sun.

Rejoice at last but ur journeys yet to pass ..

This is merely were you start ....

Our flames grew high with frantic waves not wanting to give up the new life we were just gave

Suddenly our flames grew dim as we felt a swirling deep from withn sudently the surface of the sun turned to tin an bent in a cracked an caved with itself our time an space sending us ascending in alignment the same assignment.

Because the sun has begun to change ina twisted way a black hole some could say.

As all of our astral beings were ripped an tore apart at the seams we all merged an formed one all knowing creative being an sudently everything I've know has little matter I'm past a point of human chatter i understand infinity the holy trinity I down in the milky way an experienced every life I've relived it twice I've spliced my genetics into over 2000 million beings I've seen good an bad in between experienced every tragedy to build my strength an studyd every thesis an theory thread an chain nearly drove my vessel insane even took knifes threw my veins in anger yet it failed I was just a trailer.ive seen love hate an anger

Comprehension compasing many others I have love an understanding past many beings there anger seems to brush by me cause I'm with 2000 souls an minds that have formed one to reach a state I can medidate in the milky way an force your negative away .

Our astral self has accumulated complete power an understanding by costuming to our full potential our old body's merely a rental.

Gentle at first then bursted into power showered in knowledge I know now much that I wondered before but now I want more an I've thought till I an 2000 shared beings head hurt cause my girth of knowledge will now never be enough it's tough cause now I must find .... how to ascend again but for now i must defend my vast mind defind crime ...?

Keeping 2000 vast voices locked away so I can focus an try to learn anyway leaning in to vast places is I the 1st 2nd or 3rd or other many plains I cant quiet place I'm traveling threw them all searching for everything I couldn't before .

This life isent like the countless other this life I like it has interesting teathers

I've surpass Angel's an there feathers an vison of a hawk.

I've surpass demonds and there demonic temping talk ..

I've walked on water as I was ripped apart an I felt my self rebuilt every cell of my being got hit with rods of power lightning not even myself can fight me god like abilities the universe as built in me theres ben a spiritual shift a tilt in me somthing generations of DNA sprawled out in a numerical display my old life experiences is the price I pay so that I can be god even if only for a day

I think I'll sit an think somewere in the outter spink of the universe I've cursed myself with knowledge an now I'm aware step into my astral space....

If you dare...

[heliumounce20-blog]

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[arcticdementor]

People capable of feeling shame would not have immediately followed up the Russiagate hoax fiasco with another transparently phony—and in “substance” nearly identical—attempt to remove President Trump from office, overturn the 2016 election, and shower deplorable-Americans with contempt and hatred. But our ruling elites have no shame.

That is not to say, however, that they are entirely cynical. The means by which they’ve so far tried to crush the Trump presidency may be nasty and illegitimate, but our overlords are 100% convinced of the righteousness of their cause, and of themselves. Hence they do not even need recourse to the cliché that the ends justify the means. The means are good because the end is sacred; they cannot countenance even the thought that the means might be suspect or (ahem) trumped up.

Near the beginning of his epic history of the Peloponnesian War, Thucydides distinguishes the “publicly voiced” causes of that conflict from the war’s “truest cause, though least in speech.” We may—indeed, must—subject the “impeachment” coup to the same bifurcated analysis.

…

But let’s drill down a bit. If we are to take the current “publicly voiced” cause at face value, then we may say that the entire Washington establishment, plus most of the country’s elites, are trying to remove the president from office on the basis of an anonymous individual’s private opinion of the content of one phone call he heard about second or possibly even thirdhand. A phone call, let’s remember, of which we have extensive notes that almost, but not quite, constitute a transcript—in other words, whose content everyone in the country can examine for himself.

…

Back to the Ukraine call. The second question President Trump asked the Ukrainian president is another “publicly voiced” cause to seek his removal. That question regarded a specific instance of a well-known Washington-insider phenomenon. It is a measure of how insouciantly our elites accept and even welcome the immense corruption of our government that they raise not a single eyebrow at the phenomenon that underlay the president’s question: exactly how is it that well-connected Americans with no particular or relevant skill sets can “earn” enormous sums of money for doing, essentially, nothing?

We all know how, of course. They’re not, exactly, doing “nothing.” They’re providing access—in some instances directly, in others prospectively. When a company or bank or hedge fund or real estate developer or foreign government slides big payments over to someone close to someone who might soon be president, they know what they’re doing, and they know—from experience—that the investment is sound. Tom Wolfe coined the term “favor bank” to explain how “the law” really works in the Bronx County criminal justice system. You do favors expecting to have favors done in return. There are no written contracts or enforcement mechanisms, but the system “works” because people know it’s in their interest to honor it. In modern international politics, to pay someone a few million to do “nothing” is to expect to be paid back somehow. The payees know this, and endeavor to make good, lest they risk future payments.

Understand this plainly: Trump may well be impeached, ostensibly, for asking about this corrupt arrangement. But no one is ever impeached for engaging in it. Nor can our elites, who almost all benefit from this system one way or another, muster the integrity to do, or even say, anything against it.

…

Another, deeper cause for the current show trial is less “publicly voiced” than beclouded with pretentious misdirection, because the president’s enemies know that, were they to state it clearly, the American people would scoff in their faces. Our foreign policy priesthood is 100% certain that the United States must take the side of Ukraine in its conflict with Russia. President Trump has expressed skepticism about the wisdom of such a commitment. He wonders why the conflict is our problem, when a not-inconsiderable number of European countries closer to the issue demand action from us but do very little themselves. He worries about the possibility of the United States getting drawn into war with Russia. And he’s concerned that, given historic corruption in Ukraine, American aid there may not be well spent.

…

This may be true, though—nothing against Ukraine—I don’t think so. The country just isn’t that important to us for the same reason that Canada and Mexico are not that important to Russia. But even if I’m wrong about that, the above statement is still fundamentally an opinion—the opinion of someone not entitled to make policy. He is surely welcome to state his opinion, when appropriate to do so as part of his official duties and within the chain of command, but that’s it as far as his opinion goes. Actual policy—the question of whether “a strong and independent Ukraine is critical to U.S. national security interests”—is well above his paygrade, properly decided by the president, his cabinet and senior advisors, and members of the Senate who advise and consent on cabinet secretaries and treaties. At least, that’s how the parchment on which the charter of our liberties is written says it’s supposed to work.

…

What on earth is “[t]he U.S. government policy community”? This is not made clear in the statement, but from the context it would appear to be something like the “deep state” we are elsewhere told does not exist except in the minds of fevered “conspiracy theorists.” Elite conventional wisdom appears to have evolved into: “The deep state is not a thing—and thank God it’s there to save our democracy!”

…

But whether epistemologically unassailable or complete madness (in the real world, it’s more likely than not to be incoherent mush), “interagency consensus” is not policy—or at least it’s not supposed to be. It may help inform policy, but elected and appointed officials—and in a unitary executive, that ultimately means the president—alone get to make policy. The presupposition of our country director—and his like-minded peers in the deep state—is the opposite: policy is made in and by the “interagency,” whose decrees are holy writ that it is illegitimate for the president to challenge.

…

If this isn’t proof positive that the “deep state” is real, then what would be? Here we have an unelected cabal trying to take down the elected president, ostensibly over an issue that the American people have never voted on and don’t care about but which the “the U.S. government policy community” insists is so important that a democratic election must be overturned for its sake. Actually, to the extent that the American people have voted on this issue, in electing a man who very clearly promised to reduce American commitments abroad, they voted against the  “U.S. government policy community consensus.”

Yet the “interagency” somehow believes that its decrees are democracy and that it’s somehow “undemocratic” to question them. This is how it’s possible for so many of Trump’s enemies to impugn him as an enemy of “democracy,” sanctify their patently undemocratic attempts to unseat him, and portray themselves as democracy’s saviors. As Christopher Caldwell put it recently in these pages, according to this understanding

democracy [is] a set of progressive outcomes that democracies tend to choose, and may even have chosen at some time in the past. If a progressive law or judicial ruling or executive order coincides with the “values” of experts, a kind of mystical ratification results, and the outcome is what the builders of the European Union call an acquis—something permanent, unassailable, and constitutional-seeming. [“What Is Populism?” Fall 2018]

Aid to Ukraine has been decided! Debate over! No more votes and no changes! That would be “undemocratic”!

…

It is no accident or coincidence that the only three presidents who have fundamentally challenged the administrative state—and questioned its song sheet, the “U.S. government policy community consensus”—have been dogged by “scandal” and threatened with impeachment: Richard Nixon by Watergate, Ronald Reagan by Iran Contra, and now Trump. (Whatever you think of Bill Clinton’s impeachment, it was emphatically not driven or supported by the administrative state, which protected him at every turn.) Trump would likely take this as small consolation, but it’s a measure of how much he’s feared that his enemies are running this play against him now, rather than simply trying to defeat him next year. Which more than suggests they doubt they can.

Simply based on what we know so far, the whole thing looks engineered, like those “lawfare” cases in which clever lawyers and activists find sympathetic plaintiffs, carefully choose friendly venues, and file lawsuits not to redress specific, genuine injustices but to force changes in policy—anti-democratically, it goes without saying. That’s the real reason nobody with firsthand knowledge came forward but left it to a distant “whistleblower” to get this train started: because those driving it understand that, by pitching the matter out to an agency covered by a whistleblower statute, with a formal whistleblower process, they could begin the transformation of this inherently political process into a technical, legal matter. This supposition only gains support from reports of “collusion” (what else can one call it?) between the “whistleblower” and Democratic congressional staff. The parade of witnesses in secret testimony also looks carefully orchestrated.

The secrecy has partly ended—but only after the Democrats gathered its fruits and shaped them into a “narrative” to spoon-feed to the public. The playbook is the same one that failed with the Russia hoax: selectively leak to create a fog, a miasma of vaguely negative-sounding “facts” or allegations that seem ominous but also too complex and in-the-weeds for ordinary folk to follow. Then publicly “confirm” those leaks as the authoritative account of the “scandal.” None of the actual facts adds up to any actual wrongdoing, but the hope is that regular people won’t notice and won’t listen to those who do. Leave it to us experts: we know wrongdoing when we see it! If the actual specifics of what we’re alleging don’t actually appear to you to amount to “treason, bribery, [or] other high crimes and misdemeanors,” as the Constitution’s Article II, section 4 requires, that’s only because you’re not an expert.

…

It worked against Nixon. It almost worked against Reagan. But let’s be clear: if it works this time, there are only three possible outcomes:

First, deplorable-Americans will meekly accept President Trump’s removal, in which case the country as a self-governing republic will be finished; the elite coup will have succeeded, their grip on power cemented. With all due respect to the vice president, this is not the way—these are not the people on the backs of whom—he should wish to enter the Oval Office. And I am confident he will not.

Second, deplorable-Americans will revolt at the ballot box and punish the elites in a series of elections that put in power serious statesmen intent on rooting out corruption and reestablishing democratic accountability.

Or, third, deplorable-Americans’ attempt to set their government aright via ballots will not avail, as it has not so often in the past; they will realize that it has not, conclude that it never will, and resolve by any means necessary to get out from under the thumbs of people who so obviously hate them and wish to rule them without their consent.

Only one of these possibilities is healthy for the continued survival of republican government as currently constituted.

Oh, and let’s also be clear about something else: if the Republicans “collude” with this sham and force the removal of a president whose approval rating within his party hovers north of 90%, and whose voters scarcely understand—much less agree with—the “case” against him, they will destroy the party forever. I don’t often make predictions, because I’m not good at it, but this one is easy. They will have removed all doubt that they are anything but ruling class apparatchiks, adjuncts, and flunkies of the administrative state from which they take orders.

[eurosong]

Undo my ESC ‘19 (semi-final two)

Good morning, folks, and welcome to part two of Undo my ESC, the feature where I look at the year’s songs and make a change – as small as altering a minor detail like a lyric or a small staging decision, or as big as going for a completely different national final song! Again, it’s just my opinion and is often delivered in jest. Generally speaking, there are fewer things that need drastic changing in this semi-final, but there are always exceptions...

Armenia: When I first heard this song, I was a bit non-plussed. Cut to a few days later, and there was a constant stream of “walking out, aooooo” in my head. I fear that it’s a song that takes a while to win people over – and that it doesn’t help matters that it’s difficult to completely understand what Srbuk is singing. I’d be tempted to shift the verses into Armenian.

Ireland: I was underwhelmed initially by this effort, but it ended up charming me with its low-key nostalgia. It seems like Björkman has done his level best to kill of Ireland’s chances, and RTÉ have done the rest with the garish, Liechtenstein comics meet 50s Americana staging. I’d change this to something a bit more low-key and elegant.

Moldova: As if to detox from 2 years of crazy staging and outlandish songs, Moldova have sent something incredibly dull and beige, which now they’re trying to cover up by using a decade-old Ukrainian gimmick. There were better songs in their national final, particularly “Sub pămint,” a rocky-folky effort with a lot more to hold my interest than “Stay.”

Switzerland: The Swiss were another country to abandon their national final – no real surprise after the years of mediocre entries it produced. I’d take Stones, Apollo and even Last of our kind over the cringeworthy, self-satisfied Justin Timberlake meets Despacito meets Fuego infernal blend that was “She got me.” I’m going to have a laugh with this one and have it so that Switzerland accept “Sister”, which would have been a passable Swiss entry, instead of rejecting it and having it end up in Germany where it screwed a perfectly good national final.

Latvia: Latvia, like its northern neighbour, Estonia, have gone from having one of the most promising and avant-garde national finals to one that has lost its shine, albeit not só much as Eesti Laul did. Credit where credit is due, they picked by far the best of a lacklustre bunch for me – a lovely, understated, saudadic effort. I wouldn’t change much about it at all.

Romania: Whilst it seemed that almost everybody and their mongoose wanted either the creepy poperatics of Laura “No to marriage equality” Bretan or fueclone #382 from Bella Santiago, by far the song that intrigued me the most was “On a Sunday.” I’m glad this delectable and dark tune won and couldn’t be happier for Ester, who was such a lovely person when we met. What I would change, if I could, would be the bizarre voting system that led to her victory – I’d have had her win by a clear margin in the public vote so as not to be the unfair recipient of hate for the way her song was elected winner. I’d also ensure the oddities on stage with her, pretending to play instruments, were relegated far out of view!

Denmark: Speaking of unpopular opinions, I also didn’t think much of “League of light”, a song so dull that the fact that it incorporated Greenlandic still didn’t quit its beigeness. I found the nicest song of the night to have been “Love is forever”, though I would replace the song’s English lyrics with Danish ones, teach Leonora how not to stare into the viewer’s soul and cause an existential crisis, and trim some of the tweeest excesses away such as the sashaying on the top of that massive chair.

Sweden: Another year, another edition of Melodifestivalen where the all-powerful juries have a real fear of anyone without the Y chromosone representing Sweden. “Too late for love”, at least, breaks the chain of self-satisfied boys singing empty pop songs. Instead, we have a barely soulful soul song sung by a more mature man. I would have gone for “Torn” or “Not with me” any day, though.

Austria: Austria’s labyrinthine internal selection came up with a little-known electro artist and I didn’t have the highest expectations, but I was intrigued. It ended up being an unexpected highlight, a true pearl of emotion and exquisite vocals. I don’t know what PÆNDA’s staging will be, but at the minute, I wouldn’t change anything except for her pronunciation of you as “Hugh/hue”!

Croatia: Oh, Croatia. Returning to a national final after Serbia and Montenegro did last year, and having enjoyed Beovizija and Montevizija respectively, I had hopes. Maybe not high hopes, but medium hopes. It was a collection of dated songs, bizarre songs, and then the eventual winner was both bizarre and dated: a screaming angel shrieking out a maudlin ballad that would have been dated even in the early 90s. I don’t have much of a horse in this race – I think my personal favourite was “Tebi pripadam”, which was harmless but pleasant, but I might go for the colourful “Brutalero” as the most likely to make an impact in Tel Aviv.

Malta: Malta bringing something interesting to ESC is one of the Four Horsemen of the Europocalypse, but before the other three come, I’m living for it. I worry how well a young balladeer with static performances will adapt to the sass and sizzle of Chameleon, but for the moment, I wouldn’t change anything other than remove the letters that overshadow the wild and colourful MV.

Lithuania: Lithuania’s NF is another for which life is too short to follow, especially since it takes the best part of 3 months to come up with – well, songs like this. One wonders how something can be both weird and dull, but this is, in turns. As pretty much the majority of folk rewriting this, I guess I would opt for “Light on” instead, though I’d be tempted by the quirky fun of “Mažulė.”

Russia: I can’t begrudge Sergej’s return to try to win after he found himself losing at the juries’ hand in 2016. I won’t even join those criticising him for not bringing another “banger” and instead returning with something a bit more solemn and musically complex. It’s not in my favourites but there’s not much I’d change, other than make the tune a little less repetitive.

Albania: Albania had another good Festival i Këngës – one of my favourite NFs in keeping an orchestra and maintaining national language throughout. My pick of all the songs to win was Ktheju tokës, and I wouldn’t change a thing about this powerful cri de cœur, except, perhaps, change it so that the second verse had different lyrics and was not just a repeat of the initial verse.

Norway: One of the absolute scandals of the season for me. In the red corner, we had one of the best composers to have represented Norway in the past 20 years with a sweeping, moving, classical tune, “En livredd mann”. In the blooo corner, we had a “what if Aqua moved to the woods, discovered they had animal spirits, thought they could joik and created this forgotten b-side in 1998?” Somehow, the latter won, but I feel the former really ought to have.

Netherlands: Though I cannot understand the fuss about this compared to other downtempo songs that I see being forgotten at best, slated at worst, it’s a decent track. I’d change the video so that it didn’t hinge so dramatically on gratuitous nudity, so that we could see who’s praising this for the music and who’s just in for a good looking lad’s bare arse.

Macedonia: It’s a nice, sincere effort from Macedonia – it feels a bit of a step back from me from the experimentation in the past two entries, but at the same time, I think it has a better chance of doing well than them. Not sure what I would change, other than the video. It’s very melodramatic and reminds me of an even more extra version of Bebe’s “Ella”; no small achievement given how extra that is.

Azerbaijan: I’m no great fan of AZ at this contest, but for the second time in 3 years (let’s try to forget the disaster that was “Delete my heart”), they’ve brought a decent song with some local character. My change would be to forget about the overproduced official music track and go instead for the delightfully understated unplugged performance, where Çingiz’ voice and the poignancy of the text come to the fore.

And the automatic qualifiers of this semi:

Germany: Because of my mischievious change for Switzerland, Germany would be free of the non-sisters perversely called Sisters and would have dodged the hole that they keep falling into – including unexperienced wild card artists in the national final that folk vote for out of sympathy, landing them in or near the bottom for several years, except last year, the one time they didn’t. There were plenty of good songs in the German national final, making the choice of S!!$Ŧ4ZZZ! even more perverse. I really enjoyed “The day I loved you most”, but, despite a somewhat dodgy live, I’d have to give the nod instead to the atmospheric, brooding “Surprise.”

Italy: This song and its artist are utter perfection to me. I wouldn’t change a single second. Unfortunately, Eurovision’s rather arbitrary 3 minute rule means that I would have to excise several seconds from the original. Mahmood’s actual solution seems to have been getting rid of the repetition of “[sai già] come va, come va, come va”, which for me sounds odd and wrecks the flow. I’d instead probably remove the “non ho tempo per chiarire, perché solo ora so cosa sei” line. It’d still be a change I wouldn’t ideally make, but I feel it’d be a bit less abrupt.

UK: The UK came onto the scene this year with a massive fanfare about a new format where YOU DECIDE in song duels which version of a song was better. Except, as it transpired, You the Punter didn’t decide – a dubiously qualified trio of “““experts””” did instead. The whole element of intrigue of the new format – finding out which version of a song is best – was taken away from the viewer and in doing so, all they got to decide between was 3 songs, 1 version of each. In the process, they eliminated the best version of “Bigger than us” – opting for the bombastic, X factor winner version by Michael Rice instead of the low-key but likeable country version by Holly Tandy. I’d have picked that instead. I’d have also not gone for that stupid format and instead tried to find at least 6 decent songs instead of 2 versions of 3 mediocre ones.

BONUS ROUND!

Ukraine: When I was doing SF1, I forgot that another country should have entered that semi who were under my imaginary purview. I’m talking Ukraine, of course, whose broadcasters instigated the scandal of the year by humiliating its artists with political questions on live TV, and then basically forced the winner to nót represent Ukraine by giving her a scandalous contact that didn’t offer any help with the financial burden of going to Israel and putting on a show, would shackle her to patently unreasonable terms, forbade her from speaking out of turn or improvising on stage, and threatened her with massive fines for the slightest unauthorised change.  Part of me really wants to say that I’d deal with the mess by ensuring that Tayanna (who should have won in 2018 with Lelja) wouldn’t withdraw, thus leading to the inclusion of Maruv at the last minute who ended up winning. But no – a bigger wrong must be righted and, even though her bizarre burlesque is not to my taste, I would have undone poor Maruv’s poor treatment and let her go to ESC with “Siren song” like the majority of voters wanted.

[valenciaflores]

ORIGINS & FAMILY:

Name: Valencia Grace Flores

Nickname: Val

Birthday: April 8th

Age: 28

Gender: Female

Place of Birth: Barking & Dagenham, London, UK

Places Lived Since: Leeds, UK

Current Residence: Kings Cross, Islington, London, UK

Nationality: British

Parents: Jessica Flores (née Miller) & Miguel Flores (deceased)

Grandparents: Howard Miller & Alice Miller (née Williams); Antonio Flores & Ximena Flores (née Pérez) (both deceased)

Aunts & Uncles: Ricardo Flores (deceased); Sarah Walsh (non-biological, godmother)

Number of Siblings: One - Victor Flores

Relationship With Family: Val grew up in very close proximity to her mother, grandparents, and brother, and as a result was very close to them - and thus they all got on each other’s nerves very quickly. She appreciated everything they did to raise her and her brother despite their debts and money issues over the years. She’d done what she can to try to repay them, offering to help her mother pay for a new apartment or just give them some money, but they accept nothing. All their willing to let her do is pay for a nice meal at their favorite restaurant that used to be a splurge but to Val now isn’t that bad. As a PA she doesn’t make an exorbitant amount of money by any means, but she saved a great deal during her year working for a high-end PR firm and she splits a one bedroom apartment rent with her girlfriend so she’s spending even less on rent and housing now.

Happiest Memory: A recital where she was rewarded a certificate for her excellence in dance within her age group (she was young enough to be blissfully unaware every child received the certificate).

Childhood Trauma: Val was only a couple years old when her father died so she barely remembers it but sees everyday how it affects her brother, mother, and even grandparents who loved her father so much. Miguel and Jessica worked for almost ten years to save up enough money to fly Miguel’s brother and parents out to London to live there. It took some time for his family to get their immigration figured out, but once Victor was born and then Jessica became pregnant a couple years later with Val, it was settled - the Flores’ would move to London to be with their grandchildren. Miguel and Jessica both worked overtime, they skipped vacations, they got married by a clerk, and they stayed in a cheap apartment to save up money for flights, moving costs, and to help pay a few months rent for an apartment. All they wanted was for their family to be together, and it finally was about to happen when Miguel left for Mexico to help his family pack up their things. They sent all their possessions ahead of them, spent a night at a hotel, and departed the next morning on a plane that never made it back to London. Ricardo was the only one to survive, but not for more than a few days and the cost of all the medical procedures to try to save his life wiped out the rest of Jessica’s savings. She and her parents were plunged into debt trying to save Ricardo and get Miguel’s body back to London, and they could not get any money back spent on apartments and various other expenses to help the Flores’ move. After that, Jessica moved with her children to her parents’ home. Not that she could ever afford it, but she refused to get on a plane ever again and stays up all night worrying and praying whenever Val goes on a trip. Victor was so terrified of flying after what happened to his father that it ruined his football career because he refused to agree to the need to take flights to different games. 

PHYSICAL:

Height: 5′8″

Weight: 123 lbs

Build: Slim, athletic; frequently underweight

Hair Color: Brown

Usual Hair Style: Up in a high, tight ponytail or bun

Eye Color: Brown

Glasses? Contacts?: N/A

Style of Dress/Typical Outfit(s): Val is a big fan of skirts and dresses and usually tries to wear them year-round, pairing them with appropriate sweaters, jackets, and tights when necessary. If she does wear pants or jumpsuits in a situation where skinny jeans aren’t acceptable, they’re usually fairly loose through the legs. Her outfits tend to be made of solid colors with the occasional patterned skirt, belt, scarf, or other accessory. She finds solid colors lend more to flexibility. Pink, blue, white and maroon tend to show up in her closet the most, as she finds those colors most complimentary. More often than not she can be found in business or business casual attire, even on “days off,” and always carrying a bag big enough to hold some beauty essentials, a spare leotard and shorts, and canvas lyrical shoes.

Typical Style of Shoes: Heels are a must and unless she’s running errands or knows she’ll be standing for a very long time, she tends not to wear sneakers or flats that much. 

Jewellery? Tattoos? Piercings?: Val’s jewelry is very basic, with two piercings per earlobe. Her girlfriend continuously tries to convince her to get another piercing but she refuses because she thinks they can look trashy (not on Spirit, thought, of course). Her jewelry is all gold (or gold-plated) and very minimalist. If she wears a bracelet, it’s no more than 1-2 bangles. A necklace is rarely more than a thin chain with an unassuming little charm. Her only ring is a thin gold band on her right ring finger with her father’s initials and birth and death dates carved into it that her mother gave her. She has one tattoo on the top of her outer left thigh that matches one her brother has on the middle of his back. It’s a creative take, personal to them both, on the national coat of arms for Mexico, her father’s home country. 

Unique Mannerisms/Physical Habits: She tends to stick her chin and nose up a bit, quite literally, when she’s annoyed or revolted.

Athleticism: Very athletic and graceful, which she always channeled into dance. Outside of dance, she often practiced with her brother and got pretty good at football, too. 

Health Problems/Illnesses: None.

INTELLECT:

Level of Education: A bachelor’s degree. 

Languages Spoken: English (fluently, mother tongue); Italian (nearly fluent); Spanish (broken, only some key phrases)

Level of Self-Esteem: Fairly high. Self-esteem has never been an issue for Val, and some might even say she’s a little too confident sometimes.

Gifts/Talents: A natural inclination for dance that even a severe injury couldn’t quell. She also is very talented when it comes to writing and speaking publicly, but that was mostly through practice and an avid interest in the subjects. 

Mathematical?: Somewhat. She’s very good with statistics.

Makes Decisions Based Mostly On Emotions, or On Logic?: Emotions more than she cares to admit, but usually she’ll make adjustments to decisions after some logical processing. 

Life Philosophy: Stand up for yourself and your people.

Religious Stance: Not very religious at all. 

Cautious or Daring?: She’ll claim cautious, but there are times when the things she says prove she’s actually fairly daring. 

Most Sensitive About/Vulnerable To: Her destroyed dance career, people making negative comments about those less fortunate than them, and people who underestimate her. 

Optimist or Pessimist?: An idealistic pessimist on the side of the optimists.

Extrovert or Introvert?: Extroverted. She’ll talk to anyone, either to tell them off or tell them how lovely they look. 

RELATIONSHIPS:

Current Relationship Status: Living with partner (Spirit Leafstorm)

Sexual Orientation: Bisexual

Past Relationships:

Baxter Watson - ex-boyfriend/formerly lived together. The two started dating about a year before she went to university, and made the dumb decision to move in together when she got into Leeds. The two fought frequently over petty things and eventually broke up in the middle of her second year at university. The two came together through activist work, but Val grew disenchanted with the man when she realized he was far better at just complaining about the state of things than actually doing anything to help. Since their break-up, she’s heard he’s barely changed his ways and currently lives with his parents. 

Maya Foster - ex-girlfriend/former professor. When Baxter left, it was the first time Val had been single in a while, and she certainly didn’t hold back from taking advantage of it as much as possible. It was a funny coincidence that she ran into an attractive, younger professor on a night out, but it quickly lost its humor when the single hook-up turned into nightly meetings and then an actual relationship. Discretion and secrecy were key, both from the university because Maya had been Val’s professor and from Val’s family, not because she was a woman but because she was ten years older than Val. For a while, they were good. Then they hit the year mark, celebrated it, and things started to turn for the worse. Maya suddenly had a lot of “meetings” and Val found herself falling asleep alone more often than not. She tried not to be jealous or skeptical, but everyone has their breaking point, and she eventually confronted Maya about her increasing absence - not just when she was physically away, but even mentally when she was home. Maya claimed she was just overworked, Val wanted to believe her. A couple weeks later she got a call from a close friend who knew about the relationship. She said she’d been visiting family a couple towns over and saw Maya out to dinner with another woman - young and brunette. The break-up was really nasty, and it still left Val with a bad taste in her mouth to think about it in the months following because she realized how naive she’d been to believe she was an equal partner in a relationship that had actually been dominated by Maya.

James Morris - ex-boyfriend. One of the worst things to do at a new job is to start dating someone, but James was one of the few people at Val’s first job at a PR firm that she actually enjoyed talking to everyday. James was only about a year older than her, the smallest age gap she’d ever had in a relationship, and the two were relative equal on the career playing field. James was more involved with the art, Val with the copyediting, and the two made a good team. He wasn’t from as poor of a background as Val, but he wasn’t nearly as rich and snobby as many of the other workers at the boutique firm who’d gotten placements through “family friends.” It was always Val and James who were the ones working late, and it often led to late-night takeaway orders and shared cabs to their nearby apartments. They kept things friendly, though it was obvious there was some attraction. Maybe both had a feeling that if they acted on it, it’d get serious, and they were too busy with work to have that kind of commitment. Both were enjoying being single too much to stop it. When Val decided that commercial PR wasn’t for her, James supported the decision and was the first at the firm to congratulate her when he found out she was leaving. They went out for a celebratory dinner...then had celebratory sex. The pieces fell into place rather well, better than they’d expected. Off-the-bat Val worked late hours at work to prove she was worthy of her position, and with the hope that she could make some bit of a difference to the community. James worked late hours, too, when he was promoted and took on more creative responsibilities that often left him coming home with graphite stained hands. They were happy, they traveled, they supported each other’s careers, and they were able to maintain their independence in a way that Val hadn’t ever experienced in a relationship before. It was amazing to her. After a few years, they considered moving in. It was her mother who was the first to ask if that meant they might get engaged soon, then her grandparents, then James’s brother, then his parents, and the little seeds of hope their families tried to plant did nothing but give them cold feet. They spent most of their savings on travel a couple times a year - they couldn’t afford a ring, or a wedding, or anything like that. They spent so much time together at each other’s places that they thought they knew what moving in together would be like, but maybe they didn’t - maybe it would change things and make an already committed relationship more serious than either were ready for financially or emotionally. They had a long talk and split amicably face to face, but the fallout personally was worse than Val had ever experienced. Her mother even came to stay with her for a few days, and she took a week away from her dance troupe. She and James decided to sever all contact because it might be easier, but it was even more painful to hear from someone else that James moved to America a few months later.

Spirit Leafstorm - a separate post will come, but her relationship with Spirit ended a little under a year after her relationship with James ended. 

Primary Reason For Being Broken Up With: Usually she did the breaking up with other people, but with James it was because they both got a little scared and felt they were too young for what others were trying to push on them.

Primary Reasons For Breaking Up With People: They cheated.

Ever Cheated?: When Val is in a relationship, she is whole-heartedly dedicated to that person and would never even imagine cheating. Even when “dating around” she would never go on dates with multiple people in even the same month. However, during times of complete single-ness (or even during the “dating around” periods if it was this one particular person), she tended to be drawn to forbidden fruit. This included not only employers, professors, and friends exes, but married men and women. She’s not proud of it, but there’s a reason it’s called a guilty pleasure.

Been Cheated On: Yes, by Maya.

Level of Sexual Experience: Very. She’s body-positive, sex-positive, try-new-things-positive. When in relationships she tends to explore new things even more, but even outside of relationships she’s gotten pretty adventurous with hook-ups. 

Story of First Kiss: Hardly all that special. She played a kissing game with some friends when she was thirteen and ended up kissing her best friend’s crush. The two girls have, thankfully, gotten over it since. 

Story of Loss of Virginity:

A Social Person?: Yes, though sometimes that means she won’t be afraid to get up in someone’s face if they rub her the wrong way.

Most Comfortable Around: Her family, her girlfriend, and anyone she considers a good friend.

Oldest Friend: Her brother, Victor. He’s her best, oldest, most headache-inducing friend and she wouldn’t trade him for the world. 

How Does She Think Others Perceive Her?: She believes others see her as a strong-willed, independent person who strives for their goals.

How Do Others Actually Perceive Her?: People certainly believe she strives for her goals, just perhaps with a bit too much sharpness toward those around her sometimes. A softer tone now and then wouldn’t hurt to make her more endearing to the people whose support she may one day need.

SECRETS:

Life Goals: Maybe to be an MP one day, but that will likely be more of a post-children goal for much farther in the future. Ideally, she’ll one day be the Press Secretary for the Prime Minister, and she’ll go down in history books as eloquent, tactful, and a new standard for her successors. 

Dreams: For Val, dreams and life goals are very intertwined and are essentially the same. Why dream of something that can’t really be achieved?

Greatest Fears: Losing her job, losing anyone else in her family, and watching her brother potentially become a bum if he doesn’t get his act together a little more (he’s actually a teacher and a coach, but she just wishes he’d do even more).

Most Ashamed Of: Some harsher comments she’s made in the past to supervisors or other people she knows are more worthy of her respect. Sometimes her need to define herself as a smart, strong person can actually be relayed in a rather brusque, rude tone, and she’s slowly working on calming that down.

Secret Hobbies: Not very secret at all, but all time not spent at the office is spent dancing.

Crimes Committed (Was she caught? Charged?): N/A

DETAILS/QUIRKS:

Night Owl or Early Bird?: Early Bird

Light or Heavy Sleeper?: Light Sleeper

Favorite Animal: Cats of all kind

Favorite Foods: Veggies and fruits

Least Favorite Food: Anything greasy or fried

Favorite Book: “Just Ella” by Margaret Peterson Haddix

Least Favorite Book: Every single gothic novel she ever had to read for school

Favorite Movie: Black Swan

Least Favorite Movie: Every “Step Up” movie

Favorite Song:  “Dancing Queen” by ABBA

Favorite Sport: Football

Coffee or Tea?: Tea, preferably green or ginger

Crunchy or Smooth Peanut Butter?: Smooth, but it’s fattening so she doesn’t have it often

Type of Car She Drives: N/A, no car

Lefty or Righty?: Righty

Favorite Color: Deep red

Cusser?: Occasionally.

Smoker? Drinker? Drug User?: Never smokes, barely drinks, not a drug user.

Biggest Regret: Spending a year at a PR firm that she could’ve spent working with her current colleagues

Pets: None

[hallsp]

Story of Mercy sisters in Castletown

                     On the occasion of the centenary of the coming of the Sisters                      of Mercy to Castletownbere in 1964, a local paper carried                      the following comment: 'By their devotion to the corporal                      works of Mercy, their care and attention to the sick, the                      poor and the training of the children of the town under                      their care in their schools, they have endeared the Order                      to young and old'.

                                          It was a fair comment and a fitting tribute to the Sisters,                      especially to the pioneer group who arrived in Castletownbere                      in September 1864, making it their home and the centre of                      their charitable activities. Now forty-two years on, we                      reach a milestone in the passage of time and witness many                      changes, changes that the Sisters themselves could never                      have envisaged or imagined. We now live in a prosperous                      town where there is little, if any, real poverty, among                      the people, who are highly educated and technically advanced.                                                                  We live in a time of great opportunity and great liberation.                      In order to understand why the Sisters of Mercy were founded,                      as indeed many of the religious congregation, we need to                      familiarise ourselves with the state of affairs in Ireland                      around the early nineteenth century.                                            Ours was a broken and divided land, the Ireland of the Big                      House culture where the minority, mainly English settlers                      and absentee gentry enjoyed the fruits of the land and the                      labours of the poor people. Unemployment, poverty, malnutrition                      and illiteracy were their lot, drunkenness and vice were                      widespread among them. Educational facilities were inadequate                      and proscription of Catholicism had effectively excluded                      the Catholic Irish from the professions and from political                      power in their own country.                                            Into this Ireland Catherine McAuley, founder of the Sister                      of Mercy, was born in 1778, the eldest of a family of three.                      She lived in Stormanstown House, north Dublin. The only                      concession towards Catholics in her father's day was that                      which allowed them to engage in trade and non-professional                      activities, so he became a carpenter, builder, real estate                      dealer and gradually moved towards prosperity as a self-made                      man.                                            It was he who taught her the important things in life -                      prayer, the truths of Christ and integrity of character                      - but from her mother she inherited an amalgam of refinement                      and culture which led her to observe later that 'a perfect                      religious is a perfect lady'. However, the family was soon                      to meet with tragedy in the sudden death of her father.                      Afterwards her mother mismanaged the family finances and                      exposed her children to anti-catholic influences which claimed                      allegiance of all except Catherine.                      After her mother's death in 1798, Catherine was adopted                      by a Protestant couple, the Callaghans. She went to live                      with them in Coolock and, because of her constant witness                      to Gospel values, she had the joy of leading both her adoptive                      parents to conversion.                                            In 1831, two years after Daniel O'Connell had broken the                      chains by the Emancipation Act, Catherine founded her Order                      and came with her seal of Mercy to relieve human misery                      in all its forms and work for the physical, social and moral                      regeneration of the people. The rule and constitutions of                      her Congregation were approved by his Holiness Pope Gregory                      XVI in 1835. The tree of Mercy was planted in December 1831                      in Baggot Street, quickly spread its branches throughout                      Ireland. In September 1864, a branch reached out to isolated                      Castletownbere and under the authority of Most Rev. David                      Moriarty, Bishop of Kerry, Mother M. de Salles Bridgeman                      and Sister M. Xavier Kenyon left Holy Cross Convent, Killarney,                      and arrived safely in Castletownbere, covering the journey                      in a 'covered car'.                      On arrival in the town they stayed at a Miss Greenway's                      house until a house was ready for them. (Some research shows                      that there was a family named Greenway living in Greenway                      Lane", at the West end of the town. It is now "Tallon                      Road".)                                            Some time later, a Mrs. Geran, who is described as a member                      of the Broderick family, donated a house to the Sisters                      which was fitted out as a convent. This house is the house                      adjoining Fr Sean O'Shea's at the rear of the Garda Station.                      The Sisters took possession of it on September 8, when Holy                      Mass was celebrated there for the first time by Rev. Fr                      Michael Enright. On September 20, these sisters were joined                      by four more sisters from the Holy Cross Convent, Killarney.                      They were: Sr. M Assisi Taylor, Sr. M. Frances Kavanagh,                      Sr. M Gertrude O'Connell and Sr. Martha.                                            This little band was the nucleus of the Sisters of Mercy                      here in Castletownbere. They were the pioneers of the works                      of the Order of Mercy among the poor people who seemed to                      have lost all hope. For a historical record tells us that                      there was in fact no actual difference between Berehaven                      during the famine and Berehaven then. Poverty and distress                      and dire want were visible in everypart of the locality                      - "vast tracts of land untilled and undrained; very                      bad public roads; dirty streets without flag-way or foot-path                      for the greater part; a fine harbour with out even a fishing-boat;                      not one landlord that owns an acre resides in the locality".                                                                  The branch planted in Castletownbere in September 1864 grew                      and blossomed over the years into the stately tree now over                      looking Bantry Bay. Mrs. Geran's house, which became the                      Sisters' first Convent, was situated at the top of the town,                      quite close to the sea in the vicinity of where now stands                      the Garda Siochana Barracks. Mr Thomas Leahy of Cork, a                      large land-owner and landlord in Berehaven gave Fr Enright                      £300 towards the erection of this Convent.                                            (This is the same Leahy who carried out the evictions of                      his tenants in Kilmacowen in 1907.) The Castletown people                      contributed £219 and a friend gave £50. The                      Sisters remained in the building for ten years. Then they                      decided to leave the West End. Why? "For the proximity                      of the old house to the sea, though pleasant in summer,                      was rather inconvenient in winter, as the tide occasionally                      made its way into the lower apartments."                                            In 1872, Mother de Sales, who was the local Superior, set                      about the building of a new convent near the parish church.                      The site was given by the Earl of Bantry and work commenced                      on August 28, 1872, Mr. Thomas Leahy came to the Sisters'                      Aid again with a donation of £1,000. Voluntary subscriptions                      amounted to £450. Dr. Moriarty contributed £100                      and the proceeds of a bazaar brought in £150. On April                      4, 1874, the Sisters took possession of the new building.                                                                  They were £400 in debt to the builder, Mr. Murphy,                      Bantry (who was a native of Castletownbere and father of                      William Martin Murphy, MP), but once more Mr Thomas Leahy                      came to the rescue and sent £500 to Dr. Moriarty.                      The extra £100 was for the chapel, which was to be                      built later.                      As the community increased the Convent had to be enlarged.                      In 1883 plans were drawn up by Mr Galvin from Valentia for                      a new wing. But the contract was not accepted until 1889.                      £600 in funding was raised by means of a bazaar and                      a grand drawing of prizes. On the 26th of April 1890, which                      was the Feast of Our Lady of Good Counsel, the new wing                      was blessed and Mass was said for the first time in the                      new Chapel in July 2nd, 1890.                                            On the Feast of the Guardian Angels less than a month after                      their arrival on Castletownbere the Sisters took charge                      of the existing school, run by the two secular teachers                      in one of the two houses on the Convent ground. One of these                      teachers resigned immediately and the other continued for                      sometime to help the sisters. They got the other house fitted                      up for senior classes and by November the schools were connected                      with the National Board of Education and were working satisfactorily.                      These schools, though fitted up at considerable expense,                      were only makeshift and were unsuited to the purposes of                      education; they were built on soil won from the sea over                      which high tides continued to ebb and flow and they afforded                      such scanty accommodation as to imperil the health of the                      children. So after the Sisters transferred to the new Convent,                      Mother de Sales, urged by Dr Moriarty, set about the erection                      of new schools.                                            The foundation was laid a little South East of the Convent                      on 31st May 1877 and the schools were opened on 30th January                      1878. They consisted of two long rooms divided by a glass                      partition - a class room and Children of Mary's Room. They                      were known as St Mary's and St Joseph's. They cost £793                      plus. Though Priests and people gave generous contributions                      the Community was £400 in debt. Appeals for aid, approved                      by the Bishop, were published in four papers The Cork Examiner,                      The Kerry Sentinel, The Freeman's Journal, and The Nation.                      Letters of appeal were sent in various directions.                      Here is an extract from The Kerry Sentinel, November 4th                      1879:                                            "The appeal which we publish in our columns today from                      the Sisters of Mercy, Castletown Bere, is one which we would                      strongly urge upon the attention of the charitable. For                      the erection of the Convent and schools, the good people                      of Castletown Bere willingly taxed themselves at an extent                      commensurate with their means, and were it not for the distress                      which prevails there both now and for some time past, we                      have no doubt but the parishioners of Castletown Bere would                      still make a further effort towards completion of their                      good works.                                            We can speak from personal observation of the excellence                      of the instruction imparted in the schools at Castletown,                      and we unhesitatingly state that no where have we seen imparted                      an education more thorough and practical, or more calculated                      to exercise a good and beneficial influence on the future                      lives of those instructed. We therefore strongly urge upon                      you the attention of our readers the modest appeal of the                      Castletown Nuns."                                            In October 1889 after many almost insurmountable obstacles                      the building of St Joseph’s School was commenced in                      a field close to the back of the Convent. The school was                      opened on 8th September 1890. In order to facilitate the                      Sisters to go alone from the Convent to the School the tunnel                      was built (Cost £27) thus connecting the Convent and                      the school and keeping the enclosure unbroken. The school                      cost £1200 and there remained a debt of £300.                      The principal merchants of Castletownbere and others held                      a meeting for the purpose of raising funds to help Rev.                      Mother Assisi to pay this debt. When Miss Julia McCarthy                      resigned her position as teacher of the smaller boys, Rev                      Canon McDonnel, P.P gave the boys (44 on rolls) to the care                      of the Sisters and St Patrick's School was opened for them                      on 4th July 1904.                                            After a short time, the school was recognised by the National                      Board of Education. Many boys who are now priests received                      their early education here.                                            In the early 1920s the staff of St Joseph’s' School                      depleted, but in 1925 Mother M Rosaire Corcoran went to                      the training college of Our Lady of Mercy, Carysfort Park,                      Blackrock, Co. Dublin to be trained as a National Teacher.                      She was the first religious to be admitted to the College,                      so she literally made history: she opened the doors of the                      College to members of all the religious Congregations in                      our Country. Two years later Mother M. Thaddeus Lyne was                      sent to be trained too, so the school was then fully staffed.                                            In 1932 Mother M. Therese Corcoran, (Mother Rosary's sister)                      a valiant woman of great vision and an outstanding educationist,                      began the Secondary Top in St Josephs' School and since                      then, all through the years, the people of Beara had no                      more worries about educating their children.                      The school ranked among the best in Ireland and the pupils                      were always outstandingly successful, obtaining first place                      several times in competitive exams. From it, numbers have                      passed to positions in the Civil Service and to the Preparatory                      Colleges which led on to training for the teaching profession.                                            About 1946 the Sisters began to collect funds for a new                      school because St Joseph's was now in bad repair. The collection                      amounted to a little over £300 which they lodged in                      the bank. In 1954 appeals were sent out to all past pupils                      and to all Berehaven friends in the USA. The Beara Clubs,                      both in New York and Boston took up the cause and collected                      about £6000. Appeals sent to past pupils, raffles                      and donations brought in about £800.                                            This money was invested in 1956 until the country could                      afford to give a grant for the new school. There was no                      local contribution whatever. In the Spring of 1961 the Beara                      Clubs in USA sent another donation of £271 and in                      April of that year the O'Brien Brothers, Kenmare, commenced                      preparing the site for the new school. As the old site had                      to be extended the Sisters bought a field from Mr. Arthur                      Hanley and in addition to this they sacrificed a big portion                      of their own field. June 15th 1963, the Community gave dinner                      to all workmen and on July 1st the new school - Scoil Mhuire                      Gan Smal - was opened.                                            St Patrick's School was now empty as all the Junior School                      (boys and girls) moved up to Scoil Mhuire Gan Smal. As there                      was no secondary education available in Castletown at that                      time for boys, Most Rev. Dr. Moynihan asked Rev. Mother                      Rosari to consider renovating St Patrick's School and its                      environment in view of making it suitable as a secondary                      school for boys. In accordance with the Bishop's wishes                      the construction of Mean Scoil Naomh Iosaf was started in                      the Summer of 1963. Mr. D. Kennedy, Tralee was Architect                      and the O'Brien Bros. accepted the contract at a cost of                      £8,842 plus extras for roof repairs etc There was                      no financial help from any source, no State grant, no local                      collection or contribution; the Community had to bear the                      burden of all the expense together with all the inconvenience                      the expansion entailed, because rooms had to be taken from                      the Convent to provide sufficient space for all the pupils                      who sought admission to the school.                                            Mein Scoil Naomh Iosaf the first co-educational School in                      Ireland, opened in 1964 with 100 girls and 30 boys on the                      roll. (Some ten years previously we did have co-education,                      but there was only one boy on rolls! Brendan Hanley of Eyeries                      came to Mother Therese in desperation because he was unable                      to get a place in a boarding school that year.                                            She got permission both from the Bishop and from the Department                      of Education to accept him in our school and he was the                      only boy in Inter Cert class that year. He was later Father                      Brendan Hanley, MSC. The Secondary Top for girls which functioned                      in St. Joseph's since 1932, was transferred to the renovated                      building and classes were recognised by the Secondary Department                      of Education. Renovation and expansion had to continue to                      meet the needs of the increasing numbers. The immense blocks                      of hard rock yielded to machinery and gave way to two fine                      playgrounds as well as to shelters for bicycles. By September                      1968 there were 220 pupils on rolls.                                            The care of orphan children being one of the works of the                      Order of Mercy, as soon as the Sisters came to Castletownbere                      they fitted up part of one of the houses on the Convent                      ground as a small orphanage. The Annals say that an amount                      of good was effected in this small building.                                            But the work was abandoned in 1874 when the sisters moved                      to the new Convent. Orphans were numerous in Beara because                      of the occurrence of fever and other contagious diseases                      arising from the poverty of the people and also because                      of the many fathers who lost their lives fishing. For all                      these children there was no provision now but the Workhouse                      where they grew up without any domestic or industrial training.                                                                  After much prayer and consideration, the sisters decided                      to establish an orphanage in connection with their Convent.                      Rev. Mother Assisi discussed the project with Father Dan                      Harrington, a native of Castletownbere, and President of                      St. Michael's College, Listowel at the time. He encouraged                      the undertaking and promised to go to the USA to collect                      funds if the Bishop approved.                                            Most Rev. Dr. Andrew Higgins fully approved of the enterprise                      and gave Father Harrington a letter of recommendation. A                      collection was made in Castletownbere on 24th September                      1883 by the two curate, Father Pierce and Garvey and a concert                      was held too.                                            The people gave according to their means. The priests of                      the diocese generously and promptly responded to the appeal                      and the Bishop gave £20.                                            Father Dan Harrington sailed for the USA on February 3rd,                      1884 and after a terrible voyage of 14 days landed safely                      in New York. For over a years, he travelled about questing                      for funds; the sacrifices he made and the difficulties he                      encountered and the hardships he endured in this cause are                      known only to God.                                            Several times he wrote to the sister keeping them au fait                      with his success. One letter tells how all the Berehaven                      people received him with open arms. He collected money in                      New York, in Boston and made "a fruitless journey"                      as far as Lake Superior. On one occasion he sent a cheque                      for £300 "most of which was received from natives                      of Donegal, Derry and Tyrone." In all he collected                      £1,000.                      In March, 1886, the community bought Denis Neill's field                      as a site for the orphanage. They gave another field in                      exchange for it plus £155. By 1891 the building was                      completed and the next step was to apply for the existing                      grant, allocated by an act of parliament to industrial schools                      for the maintenance and clothing of orphans.                                            The Lord Lieutenant and his suite visited Castletown Bere                      on May 8th just when the orphanage was finished. Mother                      Assisi invited him to see it and asked him for the Government                      grant. He promised to do his best, but was not at all sanguine                      that the Treasury would vote the grant as £100,000                      was already being spent on Industrial Schools in Ireland.                                                                  Petitions were addressed to the Lord Lieutenant on various                      occasions afterwards, but all to no avail; the grant was                      never given, and so the orphanage never sanctioned as such.                      In 1904 the building became St. Patrick's School and in                      1963 it was completely remodelled and became Mean Scoil                      Naomh Iosaf.                                            Mercy is all embracing and can never do enough. Many waters                      cannot quench it, no floods can sweep it away. During their                      early years in Beara the Sisters hastened to meet the various                      needs all around them. Repeatedly we read in the Annals                      that they gave breakfast to the poor children attending                      school.                      They also collected clothes for them even from the USA.                      Sister M. Francis Clare (Kenmare Convent) sent regular donations                      of £50 for the poor. On one occasion, February 1880,                      some of this money was given to Canon Carmody to provide                      Spillers (fishinglines) for the fisherman of Bere Island                      and Deeshert, seed potatoes and meal were bought to others.                                                                  December 26th 1895, the Sisters were requested by the Board                      of Guardians to take charge of the Workhouse. They were                      only too glad to accept as they longed to help the sick                      and dying. Mother M. Xavier O'Connell; and Mother Margaret                      Mary Griffin were the first Sisters appointed for this work.                      A plan was drawn up for the convent and changes in the wards.                      Work started in March 1896. In the meantime four sisters                      set out to visit the hospitals in Killarney, Tralee and                      Listowel in order to acquire a knowledge of hospital duties.                      When they returned in June the Convent was almost completed;                      they took possession of it July 1st and called it St. Joseph's.                                                                  A lace class granted by the Congested District Board, was                      opened in Castletownbere on 10th March, 1906. Miss Mary                      Roche was the first teacher. At a later date this industry                      was taken over by the sisters. The industry flourished'                      employment and training in machine knitting and in the making                      of Limerick Lace were given to many girls in Beara. The                      Lace Class was discontinued in the late 1940's.                      In the days when the sisters resided up town the first "invasion"                      of the tide in to the lower apartments was a memorable one!                      It was the 29th January, Rev. Mother de Dales' Feast Day.                                            Early in the morning one of the Sisters proceeded to the                      kitchen and as panic-stricken to find the dainties prepared                      for the feast floating on the waves. She thought she could                      save them, but she emerged minus a shoe!                                            Imagine Pope Leo XIII was acquainted of a bazaar held in                      Castletownbere in 1888 in aid of St Joseph's School! He                      sent an exquisite Cameo as one of the prizes. Small wonder                      that it headed the long list of 69 prizes!                                            Even the Royalty visited Castletownbere! On July 31st, 1903                      the town had one glorious hour when King Edward VII and                      his Queen Alexandria passed through the streets. The children                      of the parish too had one great feast with the £12                      given them to commemorate the Royal Visit.                                            Because of the convent being founded from Killarney, it                      remained affiliated with it under a local Superior until                      1878. That year Most Rev. Dr. McCarthy decided that it should                      become an independent house and on October 4th, he appointed                      Sister Mary Assisi Taylor first Mother Superior of the Convent.                                                                  Since then all through the years the Convent kept its autonomy                      and flourished under the authority of a long line of dedicated                      and competent Superiors. On April 28, 1973 the two hundred                      Mercy Sisters in the diocese were amalgamated and the Castletownbere                      Superior, Mother M Philomena Harrington, was elected the                      first Mother General of the group: Once again the convent                      had a local superior, as in the early days superiors came                      to Castletownbere from Killarney and Tralee.                                            The first schools the Sisters had in Castletown were situated                      in the West End until 1878, when they were transferred to                      new building near the convent. When the new Community School                      was built in Cametringane some of the sisters were teaching                      up town again.                                            As a result of all her labours and exertions, Mother M de                      Sales, the foundress of the Convent, returned in very delicate                      health to Killarney in July 1878 and she died there seven                      years later. It is significant that almost a century later                      another great "builder" of the local community                      - Mother M Therese Corvoran, the last one to join the glorious                      galaxy of those gone before them - that she, too wore herself                      out in the service of her children and of the people of                      Beara.                                            For during the last eight years of her life she paid the                      price for her unselfish giving and total commitment to the                      Lord. Yes, History does repeat!                                            In its hey-day, the convent owned a farm which extended                      along the old river road at Toormore and also had a large                      herd of milking cows. They made their own butter and kept                      a large garden, as well as a good orchard, which we well                      remember for its fine apples.                                            Over the past number of years, painful decisions have had                      to be taken. In 1971 the Sisters of Mercy in the Kerry Diocese                      amalgamated and in 1994 those of the whole country. With                      a view to the future and in line with modern thinking, the                      nuns left their big Convent in December 1989 and moved to                      smaller groups into smaller residences which were built                      near St Joseph's Hospital.                                            The old convent building is now a hostel. The twenty-first                      century Ireland, though having its own special needs, has                      outgrown the needs of the nineteenth century, and one can                      say that Catherine McAuley's vision for society then, had                      come to fruition in our time, in that we enjoy many privileges                      among which are free education, free health care for those                      in need, a social service which caters for the poorer section,                      and we live in a time when the old and infirm are well catered                      for.                                            It was not from chance or mere accident or just for the                      sake of a name that the Castletownbere Convent was called                      "Divine Providence". These two words enshrine                      for the nuns a wealth and a heritage over the years and                      treasured beyond all the gold in the world.                                            For them, Divine Providence was their Heavenly Father, watching                      over them, taking care of them and providing for them and                      doing everything a good father does for his children. For                      the history of their convent to the story of God's fatherly                      care, visible and tangible at all times down the years.                                            So often the tender "branch" swayed and rocked                      beneath the force of violent storms of problems and pressures                      of financial difficulties and anxieties, of sickness and                      death, but it never broke.                                            The winds of death started as early as 1870 and on three                      occasions swept away the young - Sister Bridget Murphy in                      1870 was still a novice; Sister M. Fincarr Murphy in 1916                      had been just eight years a nun; Sister M. Patricia Kelly                      in 1940 was only thirty-six years.                                            At its peak the convent had some twenty-four sisters, now                      sadly the numbers are down to five plus two sisters in hospital                      in Tralee. When we visited the little cemetery at the rear                      of the old Convent, we counted forty-four graves.                                            Writing some years ago, one of the sisters said the following:                      "Dear Sisters - our Community in Heaven, as we lovingly                      call you, we dedicate these pages to you and to the memory                      of your great deeds which we have endeavoured to recount.                      We will remember you forever with unbreakable affection,                      with admiration, with gratitude and with nostalgia.                                            "No one among us now in Divine Providence knows you                      all, but all of us know many of you. We have lived with                      you and walked with you and talked with you and laboured                      with you. We sat at your bedside and we nursed you and we                      have accompanied you to your resting place.                                            "We miss you- life is not the same without you. But                      we continue to show our trust and gratitude to our Heavenly                      Father by accepting a new manifestation of His love in this                      change. We carry on your work as best we can. We strive                      to be totally committed and dedicated to Christ like you.                                            "Despite any trappings of riches acquired by us in                      recent years we want to be pure of heart and poor in fact                      just like you - you really had nothing. Life to you was                      Christ and now death had brought you something more, for                      what you desired, you now see, and you will sing forever                      of the Lord's love.                      "We are still 'racing for the finish' and we look forward                      to rejoining you on the great Eternal Shore. I bParrthas                      na nGrast go rabhaimid."                                            Courtesy of the Southern Star                      05/08/2006

A teacher resigned when the sisters took over the local school!!!!!

[thegovindsrivastav]

Is Shein Legit: Safe Buy or Scam Alert?

Shein has affordable apparel costs, but is it a legitimate and trustworthy website to shop at? Here’s everything you need to know about it.

While everyone enjoys a good bargain, some stores appear to be too good to be true. Although there are many trustworthy websites, many scam stores grab your money and send you completely different things (if anything at all).

Suspiciously low pricing from shops you’ve never seen in person should be avoided. Many websites, such as Shein, leave online shoppers undecided about whether the danger is worth it. Shein.com seemed almost too good to be true, with its dirt-cheap prices and broad selection. Can you put your trust in it, despite the low prices?

Are you looking for “Shein Reviews 2021” Is Shein Legit? You’re not the only one who feels this way! SHEIN recently surpassed Amazon as the most downloaded shopping app for Android and iOS in the United States. According to statistics from app tracking companies App Annie and SensorTower, this is the case. Shein is worth $15 billion, yet finding information on the company is difficult (which is part of the strategy). Many people in their 30s have never heard of it.

What is SHEIN?

Shein has become a household name in recent years, thanks to its intriguing advertisements that have flooded social media platforms all over the world. You’ve probably seen a commercial for Shein, a company that made its wealth through online campaigns.

Many people learn about Shein through social media posts on Facebook and Instagram. Shein flaunts fashionable clothing and trendy duvet covers at outrageously low prices.

Specific products can even be practically identical to name-brand things at a tenth of the cost! When you ask if Shein is a real store, things get a little more complicated.

Shein is primarily a digital retailer, though it has had some success opening a few physical stores.

Most of these shops are temporary pop-ups in major cities, so if you want to see everything Shein has to offer, you’ll have to go to their website (or check out the Shein app).

Is Shein Trustworthy and Secure?

It is safe to place an order with Shein. You don’t have to be concerned about it being a sophisticated phishing scheme. Shein looks to be safe for transmitting debit or credit card information as of 2021.

The only risk you take when ordering from Shein’s official website is that you will be disappointed in the future.

Shein is a reliable website, comparable to Amazon, eBay, and others. However, given the low RRPs, it’s understandable if you’re concerned about its dependability.

So, how does SHEIN take on a monster like Amazon?

Shockingly inexpensive prices

Hundreds of thousands of new products are added every day — it’s mind-boggling, right?

It has complete control over its manufacturing process (design, prototype, procurement, manufacturing)

Algorithms are being used in novel ways to understand and respond to shopping patterns in real-time.

Looking for “SHEIN Reviews 2021” but want something a little more in-depth? You’ve arrived at the right location!

Let’s start with the most important question.

Is Shein Legit?

Yes, this is a real business… and a big one at that. This isn’t a phishing attempt to obtain your credit card information. The things you order will be identical to the ones seen on the website. As someone who has placed numerous Shein orders, I can attest to this. From swimsuits to sweaters, I’ve tried it all (some better than others). Shein is the source of all of my outfits in these images. I’ve noticed that the more familiar you become with this retailer, the more you’ll understand how to purchase there and the more likely you’ll love what you buy.

Shein promotes itself as a B2C fast-fashion e-commerce platform that operates globally. Shein is a Chinese firm with headquarters in Nanjing, even though it downplays its origins (its website makes no mention of China). It has warehouses throughout the world, including one in Los Angeles, and serves more than 220 nations.

Read also: How to Get Shein Return Label For Order

What exactly does B2C stand for? To put it another way, we’re cutting away the middlemen…

Shein manages its whole supply chain, according to internet researcher Matthew Brennan, and forecasts demand using competitor websites, Google Trend Finder, and in-app user activity… The company then hires its designers to construct a comprehensive and responsive product catalog. This enables the company to produce thousands of new goods every day, all of which are suited to the preferences of the numerous regions it serves.

Shein, oddly enough, does not sell in China. Because it is exclusively available for export, most Chinese customers have never heard of it. One of the reasons for its low media visibility in China is this. Shein, on the other hand, is focused on the US market, Europe, South America, and the Middle East. Chris Xu, the company’s CEO, was born in the United States. He doesn’t do interviews, and neither does Shein.

But enough with the history and strategy…

If you’ve come to read 2021 Shein reviews, you’re undoubtedly looking for information on the buying experience!

So, let’s have a look at the advantages and disadvantages…

First and foremost, let’s be realistic… When buying at Shein, think about how much you’re going to spend. We can’t possibly expect fine couture for less than $25. If you’re seeking long-lasting, high-quality clothing, look no further… Shein isn’t a good fit for you. It does, however, have its purposes. And, in my opinion, it is constantly developing!

Read also: Shein Not Accepting/Unable To Use Credit Card

When Should You Shop Shein?

To give something new a try.

When you need something specific that you can’t find anywhere else (it offers every style under the sun and has a very effective search tool).

To find a look that is similar to designer clothing.

When you’re looking for unique vacation outfits, think about those one-time wear possibilities (e.g. formal events).

Even though Shein’s website is extensive and a little confusing, it has an uncanny capacity to provide suggestions that are exactly what I’m looking for. It sometimes makes me feel as though it is reading my mind! Dresses, skirts, and blouses/blazers have worked best for me.

While Shein’s size has become more consistent over time, I still don’t recommend buying pants or anything with a slim cut. Shein’s stores are often smaller and shorter than those in the United States. That’s a plus for me as a tiny! Taller women, on the other hand, should pay special attention to the lengths of size instructions to avoid any unpleasant surprises.

It features a great selection of super-fun/super-cheap swimwear. If you want to try something new, here is a perfect spot to do it (below are a few styles catching my eye). Shein, on the other hand, isn’t the place I’d go for wardrobe basics or traditional pieces. Fabrics made of shein can be both sheer and stiff. Some of the pieces I’ve had have been quite good quality, but others have felt scratchy and rough. This is a difficult issue to judge only based on product and customer images.

Contact Shein Customer Service

Contact: Shein Customer Service

Read All of the Reviews

Customer reviews provide candid comments that you should consider. But don’t only look at the five-star ones: they might be manufactured, so take a look at the whole picture.

Always verify reviews from your location, as a review from New Zealand could not apply to your Shein experience in Canada.

Also, before you add something to your cart, make a note of the item’s return policies and shipping times.

If you’re looking for inexpensive clothing, Shein is a terrific place to go if you don’t mind sacrificing quality. Shein is a secure place to purchase, but don’t overlook sustainable options that source their products responsibly.

Source: https://www.setupyouraccounts.com/is-shein-legit-safe-buy-or-scam-alert/

[giarc357]

Why Does Cannabis Work for So Many Different Health Conditions?

By M. Carroll on August 12, 2021Health



The human body continues to amaze scientists. No one has the final answer to anything regarding human physiology, neurology, respiratory, and other systems. Any successful discovery only opens more doors and raises more questions.

Illness has been with us for eons and eons. Some illnesses even evolve and morph. And, since the earliest times, clans and tribes trusted certain people to fix and cure. Until the scientific method came along in the 15th-century, you could not find a universal and transferable solution to problems. The scientific method would launch centuries of development in anatomy, botany, genetics, and more.

But, the scientific method also pushed aside a lot of history, the potions and potables left to priests/priestesses, shamans, wizards, and alchemists. Left to ply their arts on the edge of society, their discoveries are best remembered by a verbal tradition, a history of legends and anecdotes.

As with so many of the right things they did were the discoveries of cannabis, peyote, and other natural resources. Add to that the fact that the pursuit of the scientific method depends on big money, and you find biased motives to keep research into these resources limited.

History makes way for Dr. Mechoulam!

The organic chemistry genius, Raphael Mechoulam, emigrated with his family from Bulgaria to Israel in the late 1940’s. A graduate of the Hebrew University of Jerusalem, he completed his doctoral studies at Rehovot’s Weizmann Institute and postdoctoral work at Manhattan’s Rockefeller Institute. A member of the Israel Academy of Sciences, Dr. Mechoulam is professor at the Hebrew University, an eminent Israeli and world genius.

What he did in the 1960’s was open the treasure that is cannabis and ready it for the kind of scientific inquiry that had left it in the shadows for so long. Basically, he led a team to synthesize THC (Δ9-tetrahydrocannabinol). And, with colleagues, he isolated anandamide and 2-AG, the first endocannabinoids isolated for study.

What comes of this?

Among the body’s many systems is the endocannabinoid system. It runs broadly throughout the human anatomy. It is less independent and differentiated than you might imagine the respiratory system or renal system. It is layered and ubiquitous. Robert Weber explains the endocannabinoid system in a short video.

You might visualize it as a chain of neurons. At the end of each neuron lies a set of receptors that accept transmissions from the previous neuron. In healthy people, the system runs smoothly with the receptors taking just the right amount of transmission and passing it on. If for any reason, like injury or infection, the system is interrupted or upset, the receptors fail at their job, and that registers as pain.

Because of the spread of the endocannabinoid system, that disruption can be felt as a localized disruption like a migraine. Or, it can involve wide-ranging webs as in fibromyalgia and chronic back pain.

Other scientists created the pharmaceutical family of Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitors (SSRI) that fight depression by restoring the harmony in the distribution of serotonin. But, the endocannabinoid system is more complex and less “easily” isolated.

And, because it’s everywhere –

Because of the endocannabinoid system is so present in all parts of the brain and body, it’s connected to more ailments and conditions than other systems. Various state laws recognize as many as 40 conditions as eligible for cannabis treatment.

The Illinois Department of Health lists the following debilitating conditions:

Agitation of Alzheimer’s Disease

Chron’s disease

Hydromyelia

Nail-patella syndrome

Residual limb pain

Spinocerebellar ataxia

HIV/AIDS

CRPS

Interstitial cystitis

Neurofibromatosis

Rheumatoid arthritis

Syringomyelia

ALS

Dystonia

Lupus

Parkinson’s disease

Seizures (epileptic)

Tarlov cysts

Arnold-Chiari Malformation

Fibrous dysplasia

Multiple Sclerosis

Post-concussion syndrome

Severe

fibromyalgia

Tourette’s syndrome

Cancer

Glaucoma

Muscular dystrophy

PTSD

Sjogren’s syndrome

Traumatic brain injury

Causalgia

Hepatitis C

 

Myasthenia gravis

Reflex sympathy disorder

Spinal cord disease

Cachexia/wasting syndrome

Chronic inflammatory demyelinating polyneuropathy

Hydrocephalus

Myoclonus

Post-concussion syndrome

Spinal cord injury

 

 

Cannabis research has taken two directions. The first is to use or emulate cannabis elements or derivatives in the manufacture of medical pharmaceuticals. The British company GW Pharmaceuticals has committed to finding healing solutions in cannabis. Their products include Sativex®, a treatment of spasticity associated with multiple sclerosis and childhood epilepsy has been approved in 29 countries – outside the United States.

GW also has a pipeline that includes Epidiolex® in Phase III testing for treatment of Dravet Syndrome and Lenox-Gastaut Syndrome. Other drugs in Phase I and II include care for epilepsy, autism spectrum disorders, neonatal hypox-ischemic encephalopathy, and glioma.

The University of California – San Diego has established its Center for Medicinal Cannabis Research, where studies are now underway, including:

Effect of Cannabis and Endocannabinoids on HIV Neuropathic Pain

A Randomized, Controlled Trial of Cannabis in Healthy Volunteers Evaluating Simulated Driving, Field Performance Tests and Cannabinoid Levels

A Randomized, Cross-Over Controlled Trial of Dronabinol and Vaporized Cannabis in Neuropathic Low Back Pain

According to CNBC.Com, Oxford University, “The oldest university in England will be teaming up with private equity company, Kingsley Capital Partners who will provide up to £10 million ($12.36 million) in initial investment, which will be funded through its new biopharmaceutical firm Oxford Cannabinoid Technologies (OCT).”

The Associated Press reports, “University of Arkansas for Medical Sciences plan a 5-year study to examine why synthetic compounds — such as K2 and Spice — are more toxic than marijuana.”

And, “a 2015 study published by the National Bureau of Economic Research, a non-partisan think-tank, "[S]tates permitting medical marijuana dispensaries experience a relative decrease in both opioid addictions and opioid overdose deaths compared to states that do not."

The preceding projects are often tied to and funded by pharmaceutical interests which does not diminish their value.

But, the second direction is to study the effects of medical marijuana. Without financial support for such research in the U.S., little is happening in this area. We are left with anecdotal history. It’s not scientific theory, but there is value in real world and real-time experience.

This has been driven lately by the potential of the burgeoning canna-economy. Breeders, farmers, harvesters, and purveyors need verification for the claims their marketing makes. An increasingly populated market will govern economic success as educated and informed consumers. History knows what science needs to prove: why cannabis works for so many different health conditions! 

[jusdanisha]

Blooming Chrysanthemum In the Garden of Life

When I was younger, the possibilities of the world seemed endless, and I have not thought of the realities of living. In this voyage abounded with uncertainties, one thing is infallible - I had to keep my body and soul together in this vast world. I was just this child, nourished with love, raised with care, and full of life. Like any other kid, the out-of-bounds value of being an outstanding student in class who still continually strives for excellence was instilled in me. Since elementary school, I was quite known for being a succeeder for obtaining such scholarly attainments in an institution that had once fostered my strong desire to be second to none.

Growing up, my level of happiness rose to ecstatic whenever I received high remarks on every assessment, commemorative medals, special honorary certificates and heartfelt compliments from all and sundry who think likely that I am ahead of one's peers and gifted. Living in a household where female members in the family are considered as breadwinners, at a very young age, I knew I had a big responsibility of being a successful one. But then, most of my choices are made by my family. Parents know what is best for their child, they say. I was an excessively deferential daughter of a household who follows every decision they make, however, at some point in my life, a sudden and unprovoked eureka moment came over me.

“Shane, mag take ka ng entrance exam sa AlSci ha?” While watering her flowers in our mini outdoor garden, Mama told me that I should take the entrance exam in a Science High School located in her old hometown, Alabel, Sarangani Province. It is a high-ranking public academic institution offering a specialized curriculum where my older sister Ate Jea graduated from high school. At that time, I was then an incoming freshman, still at a loss of what am I going to do with my existence.

“Okay po, Ma.” I simply agreed while staring blankly at the pot of a Chrysanthemum, which is my favorite among her plants, with its violet hues undeterred by its wilting leaves and slow-paced efflorescence on grounds of its seasonal growth. I wanted to tell her that I do not want to enroll myself there, even so, I do not have an apparent reason, or should I say that I am shriveled from fear of making a decision and come to nothing.

“Tingnan mo si Ate Jea mo ngayon nasa UP na dahil nag AlSci siya, kung gusto mo makapasok sa mga magagandang school pag college galingan mo talaga sa exam.” She explained that my older sister is currently studying at University of the Philippines, the national university in the country, giving the fact that she studied in a prestigious school before. On that account, I had to ace the entrance examination to follow in her footsteps.

“Opo, Ma. Naga review naman ako.” I assured that I already clued up on her motive. By that, I uttered that I was studying intensively for the upcoming test.

Weeks have gone by since I took the entrance examination, not a single day goes by that I do not think of the possible outcome. All of a sudden, while we were rehearsing for our commencement ceremony, the results were released earlier than expected. Some of my friends got their admission acceptance letter, and as I had foreseen, I was not able to receive an envelope. I could still bear in mind how sweaty the palm of my hands was while answering the forty-item Mathematics test within a time span of thirty minutes, filled with variables, constants, and other unfamiliar symbols which is one of my weak points, there I already knew that was going to happen. I accepted God’s fate upon me, as I should. In the back of my mind, I am in a state of nerves of how will my family contend with the naked truth that I failed, in all aspects.

When I got home, I saw how Mama is busy preparing us a feast, and that made me think that she is expecting for me to tell her that I passed the exam, that I managed to follow their dreams for me, and I am certain to become successful like Ate. She was grinning from ear to ear while preparing my all-time favorite oven cooked chicken tenders and thin-crust Italian-style pizza from a local fast food chain near downtown, while my younger sister Chelsea was hiding a homemade baked moist chocolate cake with a message written “Congratulations, Ate Shane!” in the middle. Feeling utterly shattered, eyes filled with tears, to end the agony, I unhesitatingly told them the honest truth.

“Ma, sorry wala ako nakapasa.” I told my Mother that I failed to pass the exam with my head hanging down, shedding tears while breaking out in a cold sweat.

“Okay lang, Nak. Alam ko man na ginalingan mo, wag na mamroblema ha? Makapasok ka pa rin sa AlSci, gawan namin ni Papa mo ng paraan.” She explained while giving me a pat on the shoulder, and then she sighed. Though Mama affirmed that it was fine even if I failed, still I could not bear to look at her eyes and pretend that it was a relief. In contrast, she gave me an assurance that Papa and her would go beyond the confines for me to study in the institution.

That being said, I perceived that I was not the smart kid they used to believe. And so, I presume they already predicted that I was going to fail the exam, hence, they exerted a great effort and strain just to make sure that I could still be a Science High School student like my older sister, also to adhere to their own desires. After weeks of waiting for the approval of my letter of reconciliation, luckily, I was able to enter the school and started my not that good nor less than optimal voyage as a Junior High School student. And by that, I thought I was going to carry out my parents’ expectations and made them believe that I am not a good-for-nothing daughter. 

Through those years, I was an average student trying to pass every semester, like all others, just trying to get through the day. Truth be told, when I was still in seventh grade, I almost failed my Algebra class, which made me doubt myself and my ability to succeed. In the following years, holding onto the line of thinking that I just have to complete all the essential requirements and get passing marks in every paperwork is good enough to obtain a grade of eighty-five to ninety percent.

In spite of all the downfalls I faced, I met a lot of good people who helped me get through everything. The company of my friends that made me forget all of the drawbacks and dim views for a little while, thus, we were each other’s pillar of strength. God must have heard the endless cries of angst and manifested to make me sense that I am not out of circulation, hitherto, I was able to surpass each and every stumbling block altogether with the companion of my friends and some of the teachers who molded me into a better student who trusts in herself.

Only a few months before the graduation ceremony, the query “Saan ka mag Senior High School?” or “Where do you want to enroll for Senior High School?” was a sixty-four-thousand-dollar question for everyone of us, particularly for me who does not think of what lies ahead. Some of my batchmates have already decided what they want to pursue in the near future, most of them wish for becoming a doctor and any other profession in the medical field to aid others. In the interim, some wanted to become an engineer that dreams to build their soon to be called own homes. For the rest, they wanted to quest after arts, business, communications, management, social services and so forth in light of the fact that they possess a talent as well as a skill.

How did they find out what they want to become? To say nothing of it, it has been so long since I felt these full heavy weights on me. By then, I started to think of what I wanted to pursue in the future, regardless of the sentiments of my own family. Why am I the only one with no dream? Honestly, I do not have a dream for myself, all I wanted to pull off is becoming a child who makes her parents proud. And why is it that I do not have anything I want to do? All I desired to be is becoming a person that lends a helping hand to every needy. Ah, and once and for all, there goes my reason for living.

Over the long term, I am fond of getting into the act of charity and taking part in such programs that contribute to the wellness of every individual. On top of that, I wanted a job where I could have a better picture about the society that we are living in today and its inhabitants. Not to mention that I improve upon English subjects rather than Mathematics and Science, also, I enjoy writing and reading than solving. As a child who grew up in a connected world, the internet saved me from being self-absorbed. I personally did a lot of research about career planning and development. Aside from the career guidance programs held in our school, the result of the National Career Assessment Examination, growing interest in human behavior, culture and literature, as well as politics that lead me into a sudden inclination of taking Humanities and Social Sciences in the offing. Over and above that, I have sought guidance from some of my acquaintances and relatives who knew I was in deep thoughts, consequently they convinced me to follow my long-cherished dream, come what may. After a couple weeks, I have already made up my mind. On the spur of the moment, I had a sudden urge to say what is on my mind after ruminating over the coming times.

“Ma, gusto ko po mag HUMSS pag Senior High.” While she was folding my clothes sitting on the edge of my bed, I honestly told my Mother that I wanted to take Humanities and Social Sciences as my academic track for Senior High School. As is known, it is a strand which encompasses a broad variety of disciplines concerned with the study and observation of human beings.

“HUMSS? Bakit ayaw mo mag STEM? Mas maraming opportunities pag mag STEM ka, tsaka sayang pagiging Science Student mo if mag transfer ka lang.” Just as I have foreseen, Mama casts aspersion on my own choice of pursuing a different field owing to the fact that I am a student under the STEM Curriculum. Science, Technology, Engineering, and Mathematics, which is considered as a well-known strand for its countless opportunities and fields of work are strove by most of the population here in the state.

“Lahat kasi ng course choices ko pag college under sa HUMSS, Ma. Ayoko rin talaga mag STEM since hindi man talaga Science or Math inclined gusto ko na work.” I explained, and breathed a sigh of relief that at last, I have the guts to be straightforward and state the truth of what I truly want.

“Akala ko okay na tayo sa plano na mag Pharma ka? Sayang pinag-aralan mo sa AlSci, Nak. Kayo pa dalawa ni Chelsea ginapaaral, dagdag gastos lang.” She responded, telling me that it is just a waste of money if I would transfer to another school knowing that I still have a younger sister who is also studying. Guess I was at a loss for words at that moment but eventually had the sudden urge to answer impertinently.

“Naisip ko rin kasi na hindi ko talaga gusto mag Med, Ma. Tsaka pag mag transfer ako sa ibang school, may voucher man din na kasama para mabawasan ang tuition fee na bayaran. Ayoko rin magkuha ng course na di ko talaga gusto kasi di ko gusto magsisi pareha kay Ate.” As I articulate my thoughts into words, I could not help but cry my eyes out for a heavy feeling in the chest seems to ease.

“Pag-isipan mo muna, Shane. May ilang months pa para mag decide, dapat hindi ka talaga magsisi sa desisyon mo.” She responded before heading back to her room, leaving me hanging in midair.

After having a conversation with my Mother, I started to feel a sudden dread within me. Day the other day, I tend to contemplate every decision that I make, causing me to look completely washed-out and not doing so well. Pursuant to the study of a journalist and an author Kathryn Holmquist, adolescent angst among young adults shows increased imagination, beginnings of lateral thought, and ability to process data in multiple dimensions. Every middle adolescent begins to see topics in shades of grey rather than black and white. By means of these contributing factors, it can also show signs of settling into adult patterns of behavior and thinking, as well as deciding on a career path. In a nutshell, these are the first steps towards becoming a "responsible" adult. Adolescents need a stable, welcoming, but adaptable environment in which to develop. Moving forward in helping children grow healthily and encouraging them to reach their boundaries through education is an important way for them to achieve holistic growth, according to the journal.

All things considered, I fathomed that for once in this whole existence, I am yearning for living out my life free from the insistent and imperious demands of my parents. Up to the point, I knew I was left in ruins owing to the fact that I am not content with what I am doing. From the beginning, I was not bringing off such doubtfully called achievements for myself, but it was all for the gratification of such established ideas of my family about me. Things have changed, and I adapted too well upon process.

All the days before the summer of twenty nineteen ends, after all of the deep meaningful conversations, persuasion moments, crying sessions and all the same, I was able to convince my Mama and Papa for me to delve into Humanities and Social Sciences as my academic track for Senior High School in Notre Dame of Dadiangas University located at General Santos City. My mother explained that she wanted only the best for me, and she yearned for me to pursue her dream as a Pharmacist since my Lolo did not approve of her chosen profession way back then. In consonance with the Psychological study of Brummelman et. al. titled “My Child Redeems My Broken Dreams: On Parents Transferring Their Unfulfilled Ambitions Onto Their Child”, when parents were contemplating their shattered dreams, they often desired their child to compensate for everything that was left unfulfilled in their own lives. Though I was grateful for her concern, I could not feel guilty considering her role in my recuperation. And so, I started to focus on how lucky I was that they had given me a choice. In order to convince both myself and my family, I was able to demonstrate to the world that I was right in making such a decision. Bringing into being, as well as slowly building the strength to achieve those dreams, is the greatest joy in life.

Thank heavens, that sudden and unprovoked eureka moment molded me into who I am today. Ever since I found out what it was that I hoped to do, I felt truly fulfilled in life. I am slowly learning to become whole again, do the things that I am passionate about, and forgive others and myself for the things we have no control over in days gone by. Like a violet-colored Chrysanthemum flower, with its plodding and withering florets attributable to the weather conditions, the growing season will likely come soon enough and in its own time. True progress happens slowly and unnoticeably, much the same as a flower blooming and opening up, signifies the process of coming into being through rough terrains to the ends of the earth. With the wish of wellness, may we become courageous in the midst of fear and misery.