#its definitely heavy to write im hurting myself with this

[nightingaleglow]

started writing a wolfstar fic because im not good at sticking with my current wips it's a problem😭and my brain is currently FULL with wolfstar especially this fic so now i HAVE to write it. like i just cant stop. im canceling everything to stay home, curl up under a blanket and just type away. LIKE MY BRAIN IS WORKING FOR ONCE??

[mywifealhaitham]

pre release boothill relationship headcanons!!!

a/n: I'm fiending off crumbs... I've wanted to read some x reader of him but theres none so I gotta write it myself. I hope the other 4 boothill fans enjoy

warnings: gn!reader, like 2 gendered pet names (pretty girl/boy), most of this is written with bias because we don't have alot to go off, obviously written prerelease, when we actually get content of him I'll definitely be rewriting

LEAKS AHEAD!!!

bc: Valentine_DD_ on twt

- Boothill is described as a righteous person if his bottom line doesn't get crossed, so he definitely treats you good. probably more on the protective side when it comes to you, he's probably not afraid to use his gun if someone is threatening you.

- and believe me he's intimidating. from his overall tough and "unruly" cowboy look to his mechanical body it leaves enemies just a little challenged. he lowers his voice too and probably has a more fierce look in his eyes too. after any threats have been delt with he probably turns to you and turns into the sweetest thing ever, a wide grin across his face and his hands on your cheeks peppering you with small kisses.

- Its said he's a bit sophisticated due to his experiences so I'd like to imagine sometimes he charms you with facts and details about other planets or just genuinely sharing some tips and tricks he's picked up from other cultures. he's also a person who can get along with others pretty well but he can easily give strangers an impression he's selfish and is a bad person.

- again this kinda feeds into he's basically you'd guard dog... but I mean who wouldn't want to be saved by a handsome and sweet cowboy. despite his unpredictable personality and looks he's a huge gentleman for sure. always opens doors and pulls out chairs for you, makes sure your behind him and okay if any danger approaches and practically listens to your every command (lowkey giving off my girl and I don't argue she tells me to shut up and I do)

- one part I'm so excited to see is what they mean by he's illiterate and using metaphors. it's probably just him using slang but it's still kinda cute. I feel like his cheesy and strange metaphors turn into pick up lines when talking to you. perhaps he'll pull a "did it hurt when you fell from heaven?" or something cheesier. Definitely a huge nickname guy, almost never uses your real name. I'm guessing he'd use stuff like doll, sugar, baby, pretty girl/boy and more teasing names. heavy on doll and sugar and just imagine him saying it in a deep southern accent... 😍 kicking my feet. also I imagine he loves making you giggle by not cursing (because he literally cant) and normally he'd get pissed if someone laughed at him like that if it's you he doesn't mind at all.

- that's pretty much it for like analyzing the leaks I saw but now the stuff up ahead is just bias yapping because I always project

- HE DEFINITELY IS A HAND KISSER. greets you by getting on one knee, holding his hat to his chest and kissing your hand. makes eye contact with you too and does that toothy smirk of his IM SWOONINGGG

- maybe he's a dancer! pulls you into his arms and places his hat on your head when a good song plays in taverns. even if your clueless on any type of dances then he'll pull you along to the beat whispering Instructions in your ear.

- gets so lovesick when drunk it drives everyone mad. any folks he's sitting with at a bar gets a whole speech on his wonderful beautiful darling who he owes his live and would happily die by their hand. and may God save you when you come pick him up because he'll be all over you. Immediately he wraps a arm around your waist as he slurrs his hello as he proceeds to tell you he loves you like 40 times. besides the mass amounts of kisses you'll receive once you both reach a private spot he let's some feelings that he might be too shy to share normally, holding your face as he calls you his pretty girl/boy and how he's so lucky to have you.

- honestly not the best for cuddling however unfortunately he needs to cuddle you to sleep so goodluck! his metal body isn't completely uncomfortable it's just cold alot. he tries to get around this by literally preheating himself with blankets before you go to bed.

very bad boothill brainrot atm... only a few more weeks until we get official content 😭 everyone hold hands we got this

here's the actual leaks if anyone is curious ^_^

[forlix]

talking ab fallen star cos that fic consumed me when i first read it and consumed me again when i reread it earlier 🤚

firstly the way he kept his promise to bring mc to the airport it really broke me. it's so melancholic like there have been broken promises before but hyunjin wouldn't dare end their relationship on another one? you can still feel the love he has for t hemin the way he tiredly made his way to drive to their house and to the airport after he came back from his own long flight it honestly makes me insane.

i love how in the car there's this like faint and twisted idea of hope lingering between them. some part of them still longs for the other and it's right there they could just grab the very thing they yearn for but it's incomplete. it's not the same. honestly when mc mutters "idiot" it really made me think like are they calling hyunjin an idiot? or themselves an idiot? and ac i feel like they meant both of them are idiots for allowing themselves to end up in this awkward but necessary situation.

there are some unresolved feelings and unanswered questions while they sit in silence on the way to the airport, but the airport scene™️ gives them both the closure they need. they're not getting back together, no matter how much one might like, but the tension in the car shows a sliver of hope that they would and i feel like it really emanates in your writing and makes me as a reader reader hope for a happier ending as well. also the shaky "fuck" describes my feelings as i read this as well thanks btw 🥲

and this is all from my own mind but i imagine reader saw a photo or maybe got an invitation to hyun's wedding and they realize he's okay and it makes them reflect on themselves and with a heavy heart they realize theyre okay too. the worst part is there's no definitive point where they felt or "became" okay, because like you said, time is the best medicine and gradually mc just healed. but knowing that hyun is okay and has moved on kind of popped a bubble of reserved feelings and its not necessarily sad its just kind of disheartening or numbing?

idk how i started yapping sm lol i read wayyyy into this HAHAHA. i chose to analyze this instead of study for my finals ☝️🤓 but in conclusion, xian i love falling star and its yet another product of ur mindblowing sexy brain i love you so much bby and i js wanna say im so proud of you <3

when i tell u i saw this while studying (also for my finals) and it had my jaw on the floor my head in the clouds i couldn't focus for the LIFE of me afterwards. WDYM YOU WROTE ME AN ESSAY OF UR THOUGHTS ON MY WRITING? IS IT MY BIRTHDAY?? i love you so fucking much omg. thank u for sending this in my lovely star :') putting my VERY ramble-y response under the cut

"there have been broken promises before but hyunjin wouldn't dare end their relationship on another one" is soooo poignantly put and so so so correct. honestly him remembering the day and time of the flight was supposed to be a show of pettiness at first, like "you called me unreliable so here i am bitch" lmfaooo but let's be real you're right on the money with his real intentions. he was literally counting down the days until he had an excuse to see mc again.. he was also worried about the flight being so early and wanted to ensure their safety... AGGHHH not me hurting myself thinking ab this couple 😭

"when mc mutters "idiot" it really made me think like are they calling hyunjin an idiot? or themselves an idiot?" I LOVEEEE LOVE LOVE THIS? god u are a genius i adore you. i totally see this being the case. if i may add, maybe mc thinks they're an idiot because they reciprocate hyunjin's yearning even after everything that's transpired. like inward frustration that there are still feelings there? yeah. ur a genius.

about the slivers of hope after the car scene, i apologize for the lack of a happy ending love </3 the fic was definitely challenging (and saddening) but also refreshing to write. i really wanted to explore a couple that is well and truly doomed bc some of the relationships in our lives are doomed, yaknow? and you can recognize that and still have a lot of love for the person at the same time bc human beings are fucking complicated like that. but please consider this my official justification for posting something so depressing

"and this is all from my own mind but i imagine reader saw a photo or maybe got an invitation to hyun's wedding and they realize he's okay and it makes them reflect on themselves and with a heavy heart they realize theyre okay too." FUCKKKK NOT THE WEDDING PICTURE. this just made me frown irl. if i may add.....again..... what if they physically run into each other and that's how mc knows? at the start of the convo mc kinda feels the familiar stirrings again but it's more out of habit than anything. they talk for a bit and it's really pleasant and mc notices he has a ring on his finger and they realize they feel ✨ nothing ✨ about it anymore. but there's just an inkling of remorse remaining about the whole situation. like a passing thought of "maybe in a different universe we would've made things work"....haha.....fuck. BUT mc is happy hyunjin's happy, and mc is happy to have recovered, and life goes on

as for ur entire last paragraph i might actually cry, i'm so glad you love the fic and i truly do appreciate u taking the time to look into my fic this closely so so so much :'( you keep me going, I MEAN IT

[hyunjinspark]

JADE 🗣️🗣️🗣️

the screaming anon is back (what I’m now calling myself) & I just have to say…

ch. 18? the angst? the heartbreak? THE PHOTO BOOTH PICTURES??? the argument beside the train? the fact that her professor was a fucking creep? all of it.

the wait for this chapter was so worth it. the way you pieced everything together was incredible. the way that still, with everything going on between them, your writing reminds us that Hyunjin & y/n are the only two people who truly see each other. nothing else matters when it comes to them & I find that so imperative to remember as a reader. & the way that you convey their hurt & how we’re able to physically feel that heaviness & hurt & frustration alongside of them??? but somehow still feeling light whenever a laugh or a smile between the two is mentioned??? wheeew bestie, I feel it all. not to mention how heavy & exhausting it felt to be reading Hyun’s POV. like I felt so bad for him & all he wanted to do was see but also protect y/n. 😭

I had a feeling that it was the professor who was going to make some kind of pass at her, & I was completely devastated to read this, and to feel her devastation & confusion & terror was heartbreaking & unfortunately familiar due to something similar happening to me. but!! I trust you & your writing & the life that you’ve created for Hyun & y/n so I have a feeling that all of this is just the catalyst to come back together somehow. that Hyun is going to show up & be the steadfast anchor that she needs in the middle of this storm. to ease her mind & kiss her doubts & fears away. my god. 😭

& I’m sorry to bring it up again, but the photo booth pictures!!! her copy is ruined & I feel so ridiculous for sobbing when I read that they were crushed in the process but they have to make a comeback, right? like hyun has another copy & we’ll get the full explanation of how he got them?? maybe???

I love this story down to my bones & I will never not be obsessed with it. my love for it grows with each chapter & ch. 18 is just another example as to why. thank you for sharing this with us. for trusting us with your words & your creativity. for providing a story that feels like a friend & a comfort & a cozy place to reside. I hope you’re happy & healthy & are looking forward to the new year. thank you for all that you do. ♡

welcome back !! 🗣️🗣️

ohh this is such a sweet review. they are the core of the story so despite the misunderstandings, ofc they still belong together 🙁 its a relief to hear that it still conveys their bond, amongst everything going on !

im sorry to hear about that ! the professor truly sucks but yes all of that is a catalyst for everything else to come, it was also not meant to be “random” suffering for the sake of angst and i hope it doesnt come off as that 😭 it is an important plot point to the arc of the story and how everything will fall into place.

hyun definitely needs to be that anchor :( im glad you are fixated on the photobooth pictures,,, hopefully there is the other copy…

thank you for this message 🥺 i reread it a lot, and it made me feel happy.

[coveredinredpaint]

hi! my name is rex too and i think thats pretty cool

anyway, i was wondering if you had any tips on dressing feminine but like,,,, also being able to pass? or tips on being confident enough to not need to pass?

heyy that is pretty cool!!

im gonna be honest with you, i never really managed to pass before starting t. there were like 5 times ppl gendered me correctly but after that they immediatly "corrected" themselves. the only person who didnt was a toddler, i hope hes doing great.

all the tips and tricks ppl gave out never worked for me, never managed to figure out why, im thinking it was mostly my voice.

so i got absolutely no passing advice for you, but i can definitely tell you how to work on your confidence and say fuck you to societies ridiculous expectations

(it turned out longer than i distracted, i cant give concrete advice apparently my apologies)

tw: mention of bullying and some mental health stuff but nothing heavy

before i start i will say that it takes time. it takes time to learn and let go of this need to fit in. to learn to do your own thing even if you have to do it alone. to grow and learn who you want to be or are.

first we need to understand that expectations of how we should act or dress or look, whether based on our gender or not, are absolute bullshit. like straight up made up.

step one is kill the cop in your head. every time you judge yourself (or someone else) for something, ask why you care about that. most of the time its cause you have been taught in some way that what youre doing is not according to "the rules". this can be for the smallest things, like when i get really excited and stim about something i used to feel embarassed because "men dont act like that". sometimes i still feel that way. its not something you can just get rid of, so its important to actively affirm yourself that what youre doing is okay and that you are allowed to do what makes you happy.

dealing with yourself is already a hell of a challenge, but other people, that something else. i hope you live in an accepting area and i have heard many stories of people are queer fully accepted for it. but often thats sadly not yet the case. surely isnt for me at my school. there are people who are gonna make you feel like shit, who are gonna call you all the horrible things the voice in your brain calls you too. you are gonna wish you were "normal" sometimes, even if you dont really mean it.

going back to normal? going back in the closet? letting go of the clothes that make my feel better even on the most dysphoric days? fuck no, i finally started to get myself, my life back, im not sacrificing that for some teens whos names i dont even know. so you turn it around, no longer "why do they treat me like that" but "how dare they treat me like that" if they kick you while youre down you better bite their ankles and dont let go. most people who bully people who are "other" are terrified of what they see in us. we are living proof that their belief of how the world should work is very wrong. they call you a fag and a tranny? you better come to school next day in the gayest clothes you own. they call you an emo and bark at you? you better be dressed even more punk the next day. they may laugh at you, yell at you, even record you or push you around. it doesnt matter, they hold no power over who you are.

but please do not try and carry this alone. dont let yourself turn bitter. its is difficult to be treated like shit for simply existing. even when it doesnt hurt as much as it did its still exhausting. find someone to talk to, whether its a family member you trust, a friend, a mental health professional or other queer people online. its important not to suppress your feelings. get them out, by either talking about them or writing or making art or music.

know that its your life and you can live it however the hell you want. be kind to yourseld, be kind to others. if you are not where you want to be to right now you will in the future. cant really call it a life if you didnt live for it. it will get better, you just got to keep going and keep fighting.

[sparatus]

8, 10 and 13?

EOY writing asks

8. what are three things you're looking forward to next year?

oooh lemme think

in retrograde will start publishing in april! it's the first part of the rewrite of rise & reign, a 10-year-old oc-centric series my partner and i wrote when we were just starting out in the m.e. fandom. it, uh, definitely shows its age let's say, so i don't really rec it to people anymore, but god i missed writing my boys, and im SO excited to get to re-introduce them to readers after their plot overhaul and character updates!! it hurts worse now <3

we're heading into the shit that's gonna hit like a freight train in itlog and from past experience that's when i can do the most writing in the shortest amount of time so!!!

i am. so excited. for more murder mystery bullshit. this is my silly goof around series and i love it so much

10. which character(s) turned out differently from what you had planned? how so?

man i really. really did not foresee sina reaching the conclusion that shepard is a human supremacist and manipulating nihlus but BOY is it ever juicy so we're gonna go with it. jack's heavy hallucinating was also a surprise

13. how did you change as a writer? did you learn anything new? started to plan instead of pants? share your wisdom!

learned that 50k is a lot for one month and i should be kinder to myself. i will forget this by next year.

lol more seriously i actually finally sat down and fully outlined the rest of itlog, and i gotta say, it's been really helpful and it feels good to actually have the roadmap to consult when i'm getting stuck. even just a skeleton outline is a great starting point, because then at least i know where i'm going and can fill the rest in as i go.

[latinapoetbts]

25 days of Bacalar (Drabble)

KTH x Reader (Y/N) Drabble Idol themed | KTH is Filming in Bacalar for Jinnys Kitchen and meets Mexican Native Y/N. Fluff, feelings, and the start of a sexy, smutty scene... I am definitely going to do part two for my own enjoyment, but I would love to hear if you want me to write more. :) ___________________________________________________ “Tae, I-I (moaning), I–(heavy breathing) think we—(moaning) should stop–”, I felt breathless as he pulled away from my neck. I knew I needed to be honest with myself and honest with him. My heart ached, and heat radiated between my legs. My body was desperate for his touch, and my heart ached because my mind knew we needed to stop. The look in his eyes as he peered into mine was one of lust and wonder.

“Y/N, I’m sorry. Did I make you feel uncomfortable? I—”

“No. Tae you didn’t make me feel uncomfortable, I love, I (nervous), I love kissing you to be honest..I uh, um…sorry I feel embarrassed…”. He instantly placed his palm to my cheek as I felt myself blush. I hated how vulnerable I felt and shy. 

“Y/N, trust me I love kissing you, I- I didn’t want to stop…”. His eyes fell to my lips. It was becoming way too hard to control myself. I needed to just rip the band aid off and say how I felt. 

“I don’t want to stop kissing you but I need to stop.” I felt this hand drop from my cheek the warmth leaving with his hand and a look of sadness flicked in his eyes.

“I’m scared to tell you but I have to say it, I need to say it…”, 

“Ok,”. a sigh escaped his beautiful mouth, his eyes gentle and set on mine.

“Tae, I—wooo, this is hard. (pause. sigh.) I love every moment we have spent together, and right now, I love kissing you, your touch feels soooo good and…and… I want more…of you… of us…but…”, I felt the tears start to swell in my eyes. Fuck, I didn’t want to cry. I imagine I must look crazy, why is my heart like this? I felt his fingers entwined with mine underneath the water. 

“But, you see, um… I don’t give of myself easily annnnd… I feel like you..like you have ripped me open in ways no one has in just a short amount of time. And when I open, it's like I'm standing on the edge of a cliff and….. I alllllways jump all in and its sooo fucking hard for me to get out once I jump in. It’s so hard that I’ve only allowed it once. It hurt so fucking bad when it was over. It was too hard for me to…to get out…Tae…your make me feel  fucking reckless… I love too hard, too deep. I can’t be reckless. I know I’m probably not making any sense and maybe I'm rambling.” I felt his grip tighten in between our fingers, his eyes still locked with mine as his free hand gently swiped at my tears sliding down my cheeks. I leaned into his touch unconsciously. Fuck. Im hopeless , I thought to myself letting out a sigh.

“I’m listening. I know you're nervous, but keep going I want to hear it all”, he gave my hand a reassuring squeeze.

“I can’t with you you know that”, I chuck more tears streaming down my cheeks. A smile pulls slightly at his lips. 

“Why?” He asks as he destroys my resolve by kissing my tear stained cheeks pulling away as quickly as his lips touch.

“Fuck Y/N, I’m sorry I—”, I crash my lips into his silencing him as my tonge pierces between his lips, he opens allowing me to explore him once again. We kiss tongs battle for dominance, moans falling from our mouths until we are forced to part from one another for air.

“Your too fucking perfect. I almost can’t stand it.” I bite my lip turning away from him giving us physical space before I dove into him again knowing I’d snap my last thread holding me together.

“Y/N… I don’t understand…please…help me…out here…” , he said softly and sincerely. 

“Tae. Fuck you make me feel like I’m on fire, like im being consuming by you and honestly I want more….I want you Tae. I can’t help but want to be around you …kiss you….and…I want to jump all in, and I can't. You know this better than anyone. I can’t, I shouldn't. I’m the one who loses the most here.” After the baring of my soul, the slight trembling of my body and the retreat of his hand holding mine, came the deafening silence. His body withdrew from me and his gaze turned towards the water. I turned away from him as well. I felt naked and exposed. The truth really does hurt. I felt such a relief to tell him how I felt but also it was devastating, it was finite. I had spent the most incredible moments of my 28 years of life over the last 25 days with the most beautiful, sexy, sweet and caring man I had ever ment. He had wrecked me in so many ways and today was the first day we had ever even kissed. I’m not sure how much time passed in the silence but I couldn’t take it a second longer. My thoughts were racing in my mind. Thoughts of just throwing all caution to the wind, abandoning my attempt to protect my heart just burying myself in this moment with him. Choosing my recklessness, Surrendering my mind, body and soul to him. My other thoughts, “run”, get as far as away as possible. Finally my body was able to move, I stood up out of the water, reaching for my pool towel.

“I think I’m going to go ahead and take a shower and get dressed. Take your time.” I step out of the pool without taking one glance at him, wrapping up my body and what was left of my heart and soul. 

(.....silence….)

I walked inside and straight to my room tears spilling from my eyes down my chin, I hadn’t even jumped all in yet. I knew I was saving myself the heartbreak of my life. I entered my bathroom and stripped down to nothing, turning the hot water on, I mean I wanted to melt away after all. I step in letting the warm stream over my body warm the ache in my body. And that's when I heard it, the sound of the door opening, the sound of the mental shower rung from the shower curtain scruffing against the shower rode slowly. I could feel how hyper alert my body was, my skin prickling, heart radiating heat between my legs. Just the thought of the idea that he was standing inches from me wearing absolutely nothing had my heart pounding in my chest my cunt lips swelling, and my breath shallow. What was he doing in here with me? Clearly he had rejected me at the pool with his silence. 

And that's when I felt it. His dick hard pressed  against my ass checks, his lips at the shell of my right ear, his hands cupping my hardened nippled breast. I gasped at his searing touch.

“I want you to be reckless. I want you to jump all in. I want you to let me consume all of you.” his words, his breath feathering against my ear, my body melting into him, my back pressed firmly into his chest. His lips moved down my ear over my exposed neck, licking and sucking his way down my collar bone as I continued to be putty in his hands. I couldn't help but the moans pour out of my mouth. 

“(sucking and licking) I fucking want you so bad, (moaning and sucking) please y/n let me have you.” he lets go of my breast spinning me around to face him grabbing the back of my head smashing our mouths together as our tonges battle for sensually dominance. My hands respond by lacing one hand in his hair the other swinging round his neck drawing him close to me. I grutterl moan escapes me the second I feel the tip of his harden dick rub against my swollen wet lips aching between my legs. I feel his free hand cup and squeeze my ass pressing my lips harder against his dick.

“I’ve never wanted someone as badly as I want you. Fuck.” his voice deep and sultry, his hips thrusting against my bare hot wet lips. His mouth sucked deeply and harshly into my neck leaving me bruises that would be on display for days. 

“You make me crazy, Y/N. Please. Be reckless with me.” felt his hand release my ass and slide in between us below the waist. I throw my head back as his fingers swipe slowly over my wet lips. 

“Y/N…oh my god, please, let me have you.” It was over, the plea, the beg in his voice. I’d let him hurt me, break my spirit over and over again.  His fingers teased my lips, edge me by just barely going in. His mouth again on mine moaning deeply into me. 

“Will you let me hurt you as badly as you’ll hurt me?” my heart quaked in my chest. 

“Because, no matter what, we chose it’s going to hurt.”. He was right. 

[taegularities]

okay HELLO AGAIN MY LOVE!!!

i read the jk pov in one sitting and omg... my poor heart 😳

it was so incredibly moving! you write pure art and im always in awe with each new piece you drop ❤️ i felt like seeing his perspective definitely eased some of the anger i had towards him (i always knew he was just misunderstood yall ‼️) i am 100% upset at oc for MISSING HIS BDAY AND ART SHOW! I ACTUALLY AUDIBLY GASPED AFTER READING THAT PART 🫡

im rlly glad you showed his and taes interactions, having a support system (even when you dont want it) is so important and im glad he put his ego aside and vented (if only he could do that to oc smh) im still upset at his whole savior complex tho, like bitch i promise ur only HURTING MORE PPL BY DOING THIS ‼️🤨

im super curious as to how this is going to play out in the next chapter honestly. is oc going to completely avoid jk at all costs? will he keep trying to talk to her?? i hope he's a fighter, but at the same time i want him to SUFFER 🤭 i rlly just want him to get so tired of chasing that he snaps and spills his guts to her (do i hear an "i lo*e you" being said 🤭) but maybe im just missing the enemies to lovers trope too much 💀

either way, I CANT WAIT FOR THE UPCOMING CHAPTERS! but please take your time! i know uni can be stressful (and your job is starting soon as well) so don't forget to relax! ❤️ we want you HEALTHY!

- wife from war anon 💂‍♀️

OKAY HELLO, I'M HERE NOW !!! reading it in one sitting is quite something babe, considering the wc and the heaviness of its content.. means so much to me 😭

yes. YES. it was supposed to ease the anger !! i was so sad when everyone was mad at him, like ugh, we just need to understand him a little, you know :((( man is just trying to navigate through his feelings, but doesn't know how. upset at oc? let's see if it changes after cmi8 🤣

mmmh, the saviour complex is fucking me up, too, but... it really helped to put down those conversations he had with tae, eun and his mom. idk, i love those little moments with their friends, and i truly hope everyone else adores them just as much as i do <3

very good questions you ask, wifey, very good indeed. there's so much planned for cmi8 that i might have to split it, but god i can't wait for the emotions. AND WHAT DO YOU MEAN AN "I L*VE YOU" 💀 outrageous !!!! but we shall see eeheheh

i'll definitely take care of myself as much as i can, and i really hope you do as well, babe. so good to hear from you again <333

[expressingfeelingsforthe1sttime]

This is gonna be a message for my ex which really I struggled in expressing but for the first time in history, With all the days I never even wanted to express and talk about my feelings about it , now I finally can without being overly depressed and overly emotional because the weight is just too much and it definitely drained me when we're still together. Whether he reads this or not its ok. I just needed to share my thoughts and my sincerest apologies, and the first time I was able to come out and express it wholeheartedly and clearly.

I used to be half assed about it but. Damn this didnt even require mental effort to write it just all came flowing like a river 😆 but this is a blunt one.

no sugar.

Why I didn't do this before had to do with so much drama and misunderstandings that never ended between the two of us.

Here are my thoughts about it. I've pondered for days searching for answers but failed to do so until I searched within myself which really made me really realize my true innermost feelings and thoughts without any biases, confusion and heavy emotions. Despite of seeking answers in the wrong places. I wish I had listened to my inner voices earlier and didn't overthink too much. Aside from that I have learned a bit more and much more afterwards. Guess people really learn but the progress might be slow.

Now true for everyone but I mean in my case.

So here it is

Post-breakup thoughts

Im sorry If I havent really fully trusted you Sorry If I cant trust you in things that had given me so much to worry about which had nothing to do with you but it was my anxiety, and I can't help it Im sorry if I cant believe whatever you tell me, sorry if I felt like I couldn't take time to think before I say something or do

I became mentally paralyzed and depressed as I felt like you invalidated my feelings for a long time but maybe we just don't get each other and we have different values and things we wanted just doesn't fit and we weren't really on the same page and its okay cause everyone is different and its okay to be different, I mean I wish you knew how frustrating it felt when I find myself to believe on what you believe.

But I know we tried to work things out.. uhh and thats what relationship is all about. Right?

Sorry if i couldn't make efforts to be more reliable as a partner that you wanted me to be But I never really wanted to feel things this way because I'm just scared of everything that I see in our relationship, I'm scared that things in the past might happen again at our time.

But by simply thinking about it just ruin everything but I realized that my thoughts were to blame for it.

I acted so badly and had treated you so badly.

I just know deep down that I'm scared of losing my happiness that I found in you,I fell so hard, deeply and profoundly.

I wasn't lonely when we met but I just realized that I just wanted to be with you and thats all and I wished I had done things right but Im just losing my mind and self-control which frustrated me.

I just can't be the one for you I guess because of the way I see relationships and it scares me.

I'm just not ready for commitments and everything I do just doesn't make sense when Im in a relationship, but I don't know if I can say atleast I tried because I haven't really done so much.

I just wanted to say I'm really sorry If this all happened.

I mean not that I made a lot of mistakes but learned the hard way that it takes a lot of courage to own up to things.

Im aware of all of this. I really didn't want to say goodbye, I really didn't want to go on and move forward, I was really happy even things weren't good but It was one of the best and I think about each times as just as neutral as it is cause I don't really regret letting you be a part of my life but anyway despite all of that, I know you did so much for me and had given me hope, and it hurts because holding on to us has hurt me more than ever and I am really upset that it had to end this way and I agree that its really painful and It hurts to hold on while we're still together thinking of the worst.

It feels like everything has fallen apart between us and everything went downhill and I'm just at the same time grateful because I needed to feel all of this to come to this point and I'm finally free at last. And thats what I where I want to be despite wishing that things were different or could be but It is what it is.

I've never written anything like this before throughout the relationship. I always thought I'd never end up writing something at all because for all the times we spent, I was just totally confused and things were never clear on my side.

It just felt as if I couldn't really express how I feel either and it seemed like this was the first time in our whole relationship that I did. But I'm not sure why right now that I could. Now I can think rightly.

Soooo yes .. All I can say is that... Well, uh I can clearly think and say what I want without second-guessing my words and thoughts which I really struggled when we were still in a relationship. I didn't really lose myself in the relationship, RATHER I found myself and knew myself better lol if thats the cause well I used to fear losing myself but thats old news.Atleast now I better know what I want and need. I just opened my eyes completely to what it was, than what I thought it was nothing to be upset or anything.

I'm such a fool to fall for my doubts. What I used to long for, no longer was to long about.

I didn't ever want to ever position myself into this place but this is necessary like its just meant to happen.

[secretbangtnn]

summary : Getting a letter from a very prestigious school was something that you could have never expect, and even more unexpected was that you didn’t need to pay a penny for it. Beautiful news that were too good to be true, but oh how stupid you were to not question such a perfect chance to get away from your shitty life.

notes:

Guys i would be more than happy for some feedback, its my first time writing in english and im more than nervous. Im not sure if what i wrote is good or even understandable. + i would be more than happy to start an ask game with this book

Chapter one

Living or in your case existing was always somehow calm. Everything you do had a plan and everyday had the same pattern, like a boring vase that stood in the same kitchen you actually were. Blue marble tiles awfully similar to tears that run down the woman's cheeks, making them a little bit more redder than before.

Not that they weren't that color before, always blushy and ready to be seen. And maybe that's why you had that sour taste in your mouth while watching them, knowing that your own were as beautifully red as hers.

"why?" a simple question sounding now like the last call for help. Voice groggy and nose runny making the sight before even more unbearable to look at. But why weren't you moved, why the tears didn't make you guality like they should. "you planned this?! You planned to leave me alone like a selfish bastard!"

Looking down didn't seem like the best option, knowing that it could just take the nerves in the room to a whole new level but you could not stop yourself. She was always one to guilt trip you into everything.

A little shout left the chapped mouth making you jump a little while lifting your head simultaneously. Sight before you seems to worsen and as you took a step back the woman took another two in the end catching your small wrist in her clawed hand.

Hissing and looking dead in her eyes made you somehow more conscious of the whole situation.

“I didn’t know.” and you really did not. Gritting your teeth so hard that it felt like some of them could fall out at any moment seems to stop you from doing sudden movements.

Breathe in and breathe out.

“Of course you think I am stupid! Just like your father, bringing me to insanity step by step. But that’s what you wanted from the beginning, am I right?”

“Stop being delusional mom” Oh how hard it was to say the name of that woman. Mother of child that she forgets most of the time, only to remember at the most shitty time. Today was exactly one of the examples of why your dream was just to wake up not seeing or better not having to think of that woman.

“Am i now? It’s you who wants me like this.” She laughed, throwing her head back in the motion. Elegant column of her neck now easy to see, showing purple and red marks similar to those from claws. “You thought I would not know, you thought you could just run away like a scared little child. Now tell me, how long were you planning this o-or maybe it was your father’s plan from the beginning.”

“I didn’t know about it, I didn’t even apply to any of the schools and you are the one that should know that.” toxicity leaked from your voice in big streams, but it was something that u could not stop at that moment. She was doing it again, acting crazy and psycho making everyone question why she wasnt getting hospital help yet.

“So you are saying that it’s my fault? You were supposed to care for me, for your ill mother, not that you are useful for anything else. How could you even think of disappearing, going to school so far away and leaving me to rot here myself like you were not meant to end like this too!”

Snatching your hand you looked at the woman once again, tears in eyes making you look fragile. Her own body looking weak, nearly dead limbs hanging from a malnourished body, showing the world wrack of a woman she was. Complexion ill looking, but what was not in her case, pale looking with green, purple and blue spots everywhere the skin was shown.

“Why are you being so shocked? Don’t tell me you thought you were going to leave someday.” Her laugh made you grit your teeth, jaw starting to hurt from the tension you were keeping. “Once again you showed how foolish you are, just like your father, just like that scumbag.”

“You are insane.”

“That we already know, so why don’t you come back to your room and start preparing for tomorrow. I want to eat a really nice breakfast next morning and maybe then after we can talk about what job you are going to have to make a living for us.”

And that was your sign to go, not looking back at the sick smirk on your mother mouth momocking your whole being. Step by step you saw the old stairs, in some place missing the color. Your room was nothing special, at least that what people said, for you it was some type of heaven. Peace that you could only catch while being there, laying on your old bed while looking at the dull ceiling.

Closing the door, you exchaled a heavy breath, sliding down on the flat surface of the door. Eyes closed like you have always done after an intense situation, today was not an exception to that.

Asking yourself what just happened, how and why. Unconsciously you looked at the letter beside you, laying so weirdly on the piece of not carpeted floor. The big fault in a little piece of paper. It was funny how this thing made such a bad influence on your life just by arriving on your doorstep.

The fact that the only person you could compare yourself to now is a story character of the name Harry was nearly not as funny as it sounded. However how u can explain getting a letter from a prestigious school you for sure did not apply or even looked up not even thinking about getting a scholarship to having a chance to think about it.

By any chance you were not stupid, but your ambitions flew away with another day in this shit hole you called home. Main reason being your own mother, which not only made it clear but for sure would kill you faster than let you leave.

You took the letter, keeping it in your hand like some unknown object you have never seen before. The texture itself is weird, making you shiver in some way. Big letter stood on the black piece of paper meaning only one thing.

Oh yes, that definitely was unsetting.

You remember clearly the first time you read the words that were put in this blank envelope. Big chance waiting for you, welcoming you with big arms and assuring you that you have nothing to be scared of.

And maybe those words were the one that brought you to that situation. It was not even three hours after the fight with your mother. Sun long down now moon shining on your pale face. Packing everything you tried to be quiet and quick hoping that your mother again ate too much of those big pills.

Big bag now laying down on your bed with a small letter beside it looking as innocent as before. You were not even seventeen making decisions that would cost you more then you can imagine. Living hell with possibility of going to another but in that moment nothing mattered like running away from old monsters.

Floor cracked under your feet even thought you were considered as a lightweight. How could you not be so malnourished when your mother forced you to teach yourself how to cook, never letting you eat before her. You tried to reason her moods or harsh behaviour to you but no matter how many times you tried it always ended in another reason why your life was just simply sad.

Running away was a good decision. You tried to say it so many times to actually believe in those empty words. The truth was that you were an innocent little child, not even a full adult that has never tasted a social life or had a friend.

“It will be alright.” Taste on your tongue after saying this a little sour with a heavy backpack danglin on your right arm. One step and then another, you touched the cold handle of your white doors. It was the first move to make and probably one of the hardest.

Bag on your arm is even more heavy making you realise what is happening. Silent breath flowed past your lips preparing you for your next step.

You pushed it closing it carefully while hoping that the oldish touch to the wood wont make an appearance in a loud noise. Silly smile now seen on your face with big relief in the back of your mind. The hardest part was just before you.

Your mothers room, not fully closed - like always, she needed to make sure nobody would come uninvited. It was just one of her weird characteristics that came with such a messed up mental health.

Small noise came out under your feet, not loud enough to wake up the woman next door but audible enough to be heard from closer.

Photos all around you telling you that you were getting near the main door. Little pictures with you inside faded from ears of hanging, making you stop for a while.

Smooth glass now under your fingers as you touch a specific photo. You and your mother being in the green garden of your grandmas. Happy vibe and pretty smiles now nearly unbelievable to witness on either of faces. It hurted or maybe it was just the adrenaline escaping from a sudden stop.

Oh how the sweet monet was quickly destroyed by the harsh noise from one of the rooms, and you exactly know which one. Loud thud rang out in the quietness of the house, making the silence even more noticable. Your breath escaped leaving you in a big ball of nerves and anxiety.

One...two...three

Silence like the one before big storms but maybe just this time it was not that. You couldn't withdraw now, you were too far and too close to the feeling of freeness. So you did the only thing that came to your mind.

Catching a sliding backpack, you turned to the door in front of you, knowing that just behind them is waiting something so much bigger than your old mother. How stupid for you to not rethink your decision, and believing your innocent mind that its just a good thing, better life that could only make you happier.

So you did it, you took the heavy steps that echoed in the narrow corridor. Light breeze touched your face, and just like the first time you gasped at the feeling. Door closing not that gently as you started running as fast as you could.

Silly smile now on your face with a bouncing bag on your shoulders keeping you on the hard ground. It was feeling similar to the first sight of the ocean or the first taste of sweet ice cream on a hot summery morning. You were in ecstasy choked by the overwhelming emotions.

And maybe because of that you were completely unaware of the danger that waited for you on that chilly night. How could you think about it when everything seemed so distracting almost as you were dreaming and in that moment you probably were closer to believing in this being a slumber.

So as you sat on the cold bench of one of the parks near your home, realization finally came silencing your beating heart. Colder weather now felt more real, as it bit your rosy cheeks. You shivered, keeping your backpack on your lap, trying to hide behind it from a chilly wind that seemed like it came from every side.

Being alone hit you like a truck and the little noises of the night didn't help your rising nerver. You started to lose your breath, feeling your tears sliding down your numb cheeks. It was terrifying now with the knowledge of your wellbeing and adrenaline wearing off with every second.

“Mom?” A silent plea that came out of your lips with shakiness that was more than noticeable. You didn't know why you said that, but the woman was probably the only person you knew. Such a sad truth that you needed to understand. You were alone now, and with that thought a more shameless sobs left your mouth with an occasional whimper.

You were sure you were going to end up dead. That you won't see the new sunset with how your body shivered. Not knowing how life worked or what is bad or good you were a little lamb that waited for hungry wolves to eat her whole.

And maybe one of those predators just saw his next meal. Long strides brought him just in front of you. Your sobs are too loud to make you hear his boots coming closer and closer. His breath just centimeters away from your head, brushing your hair like the not forgotten wind.

“Sweetheart?” It was a calming voice, not too deep but definitely belonging to a grown man. Your posture momentaly stiffened, as your closed eyes now looked at the big leather shoes before you. Your whole body is not moving, only shivering because of the chilly weather and light clothes. It was funny how suddenly you have forgotten about being alone, now wanting just this, wishing for all of this to be a big nightmare.

A deep sight left man's lips reminding you about the realness of the whole situation. You could not move, completely scared, your fingers clutched the bad praying for something to happen. The plan to just act like you were not there, ignoring the man fastly ended, when he sighted once again and crouched just to your eye level.

Deep brown eyes, looking at you with nothing but softness. If you didn’t know better you would say the man looked as if he knew you, cared and was in big relief finding you. But your mother's words echoed in your head, making you believe that every man walking on this planet is bad.

“What are you doing here sweetheart?” Once more this deep voice pierced you. Your mouth opens to answer, deeply knowing that nothing will come out. You just looked in his dark eyes, wishing that maybe he will be the one who can read minds. His eyes now on you, more concerned than before, observing your shivering body.

He was tall and broad for sure, towering over your figure surprisingly even while crouching down. His huge shoulders covered by a creamy coat which now was getting dirty by laying down on a pavement, as it partly hid his expensive looking boots.

Too distracted you didn't notice his hand coming to touch your red cheek, now gently stroking the redness of your skin.

“What a poor soul, so cold and left alone without a coat. Tell me sweetheart would you come and let me warm you a little?”

[fweasleyswhore]

Missing You - R.L.

based on this old ass request i realized i never did OOPS im so sorry

tags: @fredshmeasley @pandaxnienke

summary: Remus gets called out on a mission and after a night of passion and reader finds out they are pregnant while he is gone. 

word count: 2k

I stood behind him with my hands on his shoulders as he unwrapped the letter with shaky hands. He pulled the letter closer to his face, I played with his hair as he read the letter out of my view. Twirling the short brown hair at the nape of his neck I listened as he let out a sigh. Watching his hands as he twirled the letter in his hands before setting it down on the table, it immediately caught on fire. We watched in silence as it burst into flames, leaving a small pile of ash in its place. I moved from where I was standing, cleaning up the ash and discarding it. 

Remus didn’t move. Walking on tentative feet I stood in front of him. 

“Remus? What did it say?” I asked softly. He looked up, his eyes were glassy and his usual smile was missing. 

“We have another mission and, this one might, it’s going to be a long one.” His eyes didn’t meet me as he spoke, I reached out grabbing his hands. When his eyes found mine I saw how upset he was, I felt it too. Our three year anniversary was in two weeks, we had plans for a small dinner. I hid my disappointment and smiled shallowly. 

“Hey, it’s ok. The Order is important too.” He nodded and looked back down at our hands. 

“I don’t like leaving you in the dark, I don’t like living this uncertainty.” He swallowed thickly and squeezed my hand. “I’m sorry.” It barely came out as a whisper but I registered it. 

Kneeling in front of him I pulled my hand up to brush the tears away. His lips pressed into a thin line, eyes shut as he leaned into my touch. “Don’t apologize, Remus, you are doing what’s necessary, because of you we are going to get out of this.” He nodded but I knew he still felt guilty, the weight of my words nothing to the weight of his insecurity and racing thoughts. “Think about it a couple of years from now, when it’s safe, and you and me have a family, a couple of kids.” I watched as his face transformed from a pained expression into a happy one. 

“A couple?” He mused with a growing grin. I beamed up at him nodding eagerly. 

“When do you leave?” My voice was a lot quieter than it was seconds earlier, but I needed to know. 

“Tomorrow morning, we meet at an arranged place quarter after 6.” His words were slow and calculated and he gaged my expression, I made sure not to show the disappointment on my face. 

“I guess we better enjoy tonight then.” I quipped. He looked down at me with adoration, smiling through his pain. He let go of my hand, leaning down to place a gentle kiss on my head. I blushed at the small action, looking at him through my eyelashes I watched him. His hand cupped my cheek, the other brushed some hair away from my face. 

“I would like that darling.” I smiled and leaned into him, running my hands up his thighs as our lips connected. I danced my hand across his crotch and felt him groan into my mouth. Smiling, I continued to drag my fingers in a feather-light touch up and down his legs as our lips brushed together. 

I started to apply more pressure as I palmed him through his trousers causing him to pull away with heavy breaths. I looked up at him through my eyelashes not halting my movements as he looked at me hungrily. 

“Bedroom, now.” I shivered at his words, feeling excitement and arousal in my stomach, he let his more dominant side take over in the bedroom, it wasn’t a conscious decision but it was one I loved so much. 

On shaky legs I stood up, breaking eye contact with him when I turned, purposefully pausing and swaying my hips lightly before walking down the hall that led to our bedroom. 

“Let me write a response and then you have my full attention, I’ll be quick darling, wait for me.” He called after me. I tried to continue to push on towards the bedroom but I stopped letting the excitement take hold of my body. Turning over my shoulder I saw him, leaning back in his chair taking me in. 

“Hurry.” My voice was barely above a whisper but I knew he heard it so I turned back and walked to the bedroom. I tried not to be too hasty and let the excitement show but I would lie if I wasn’t saying there wasn’t a definite pep in my step. 

Making it to the bedroom I gently shut the door and ran a hand through my hair. An idea popped in my head as I began to strip. I sauntered over to the closet and pulled out a small black box, around the size of a shoebox. I pulled out a small piece of lingerie that I bought to use for the night of our anniversary. It was white and lacy, a bra, panties, and garter belt with two lacy garters included. Excitedly I squealed a little while I slipped off my clothes and slid into them. Still wanting to surprise him I grabbed one of his sweaters and pulled it over my head, it came down to my middle thighs, effectively hiding the garters. Smiling to myself I threw the bag away and sat down on the bed, I bobbed lightly due to throwing myself down on it so hard. I played with my hands while I waited for him to meet me in the bedroom. I dragged my nails up and down my thighs in anticipation, shivering slightly at the action trying to hold myself together. 

Soon enough I heard his quiet padding towards the door and my breathing sped up as I saw him walk through the door. He racked his eyes up and down my body, I watched his eyes as they took me in, crossing my legs and leaning back onto my elbows I spoke softly. “I was hoping you would do much more than look.” 

“Is that so darling?” He pushed himself off the doorframe where he was positioned, walking over to me like a predator would prey, his hands found my hips as he leaned down next to my ear. “In that case-” He cut himself off, pulling his sweater up my thighs he caught sight of my garters. He sucked in a deep breath, pulling the sweater higher he caught sight of the matching panties and I watched as his pupils dilated. 

“I bought them for our anniversary, but, figured now might be just as good,” I whispered a light laugh in my tone to hide the pain I felt realizing he would be gone. 

“You’re perfect.” Before I had time to thank him, much less process the words, his lips were on mine. The kiss was beautiful, passionate, slow, and methodical. Nudging his jaw forward he pushed me back onto the bed, I fell down and he followed, our lips never separating. He made quick work to rid me of my sweater pulling it of my head and throwing it across the room. 

He let out a long groan seeing the matching bra and was quick to rip it off of me. 

“You look so good in white,” He whispered whilst attacking my neck and chest with his mouth, leaving an array of marks I’m sure I’ll be looking back on in his absence. Once my neck and chest were littered with blooming red splotches which would soon turn purple he pulled back. The need in my core had grown exponentially, I was bucking against him searching for friction. 

“Slow down,” He said after another failed attempt to buck against him. I whined against his neck, pulling against his collar. 

“Off.” I mumbled, pulling again. He smirked, but pulled back and rid himself of his clothing until he stood bare in front of me. 

He dipped his head, positioning them between my thighs but I stopped him before he got there. “Everything ok love?” I nodded and pulled him to face me. 

“I just, I want you in me, now.” I said on his lips. He laughed half heartedly against mine before pushing his lips against mine. 

“As you wish love.” 

The room was filled with moans and soft whispers that were diminished to nothing as we laid together, tangled in the sheets and ourselves. 

When I woke up he was gone, feeling cold in our shared bed. Pacing around the room I found his sweater I wore last night and put it on, pulling it down my chest I saw at the hickeys flowering up and down my neck and chest. 

Each day that passed I missed him more, especially when I fell sick around two weeks after he was gone. I was throwing up each morning like my body was on a clock. Went for a check up at the healers and they had no medical answer, I didn’t have a bug or an infection but it kept happening. After a while and a few long chats with friends I decided to go to a muggle doctor. This was around one month in, when I noticed more problems as well as the sickness, foods I usually loved made me sick, I felt bloated, my breasts hurt long after Remus’ marks were gone. What fully pulled it together was when the muggle doctor confirmed the small voice in my head, the one that was telling me it was what I least expected. I was pregnant. 

Each day after I found out I longed for Remus more, especially when days turned into weeks and weeks turned into months. 

Now, around three months into my pregnancy, I was putting up Christmas decorations. A few friends helped me install a tree considering I was starting to show and not very strong myself. The flat had a nice atmosphere to it, lights were up and decorations were strewn about it was starting to feel warmer despite the absence of Remus. 

That's when I heard a familiar pop. Whipping my head around there he was. Remus, his hair disheveled, bags in hands as well as under his eyes. He looked incredibly tired and my heart ached for him. 

Without much thought I ran to him, wrapping his tired frame in my arms. His reaction was immediate, enveloping me into his arms and holding me tight against his chest. All the worries that built up in the past few months left as I felt him against me, finally holding me against him. He pulled back enough to kiss me and I swear for the first time in a few months I felt ok again. 

“Are you ok?” I asked pulling back, I put my hand onto my stomach by instinct, a move that did not go unnoticed by him. 

“I-I’m fine, what are you-” He pointed to my stomach, I felt my nerves bubble up again. In all the months he was gone I didn’t think once about telling him. Kids were rarely talked about, we both agreed we liked the idea but now was no good. 

“Well um-”

“Are you pregnant?” He asked before I could explain. Looking at the floor I nodded, tears welling up in my eyes. Suddenly there was a thud and I snapped my eyes up to see Remus on his knees in front of me. “Marry me.” 

“What?” 

“Marry me, please. Let me the husband you deserve, let me help you raise our kids. Please Y/N.” 

I flashed him a grin, tearing up once more before pulling him up by his collar and kissing him. As we kissed his hands, travelled up my -his- sweater, and planted themselves over my barely there bump, it was something that didn’t go unnoticed by me, something that made a fire and sparks light up across my body. 

“So?” 

“Was that not an answer enough?” I laughed, he looked at me pleadingly. “Yes! Merlin you are annoying.”

“Oh, you love it.” He whispered, pulling me in he planted a kiss to my head. “I love you, you both.”

[drivingsideways]

Hey talk to me about your top three favourite kdrama women. What makes them special? What's a fic you would like to write about any one of them?

Mystery anon! :D What a lovely ask. 

I’m going to cheat a bit and divide my answer into characters I loved a lot, but do not want to write fic about, because I think the canon gives me what I need; and characters that I loved a lot but NEED TO BE RESCUED ZOMG.  (My fic writing impulses are 50% spite and 50% fix-it )

Caveat being that I’ve still watched only maybe a dozen kdramas, so I’m pretty limited in my knowledge!

Characters that I love a lot, but have very zero fic impulses toward:

Han Yeo-jin from Stranger/Secret Forest: What a delight! What an iconique character! Is there anyone like her? NO. LSY-nim gives us a delightfully complex character, and Bae Doona knocks it out of the park in every single scene, so I’m just happy to be along for the ride. I think what makes Yeo-jin special for me is the intrinsic place of empathy that she operates from.  I think “righteous” is a word that often comes with negative connotations (self-righteous, for eg), but I do think she’s one of the most righteous-in-the-good-way characters I’ve watched in kdrama or any drama. I’m tired of stories that portray goodness as “boring” , as unworthy of narrative breadth or depth, and I love that Han Yeo-jin comes to us like a breath of fresh air in our particular dystopian narratives hellscape. She’s good, but never naive. She’s righteous but never cruel in her moral certainties.  I think that LSY nim, in the second season especially, gave Yeo-jin the kind of arc that character deserved when she’s forced to really dig deep into herself to figure out how she’s going to live in the world in the face of a deeply cutting, deeply personal disillusionment, and I’m really hoping for an S3 to see how that plays out further. 

Goo Hae-ryung from Rookie Historian: Ok, I will admit this may be rose tinted glasses view due to this show being my gateway drug into kdrama, but c’mon! She’s a reader! and a Thinker! And loves her wine! She’s plucky! She’s cute! She’s got a wry sense of humour! She’s got principles! She’s got a solid common sense to her that somehow doesn’t get in the way of her dreaming BIG! Oh dear, doesn’t she sound like the Mary-est of Mary Sues? Good for her.gif,  I say! Anyways, Shin Se-kyung is unutterably charming in this (AS IN EVERY SHOW OMG GIRL) and I just have a huge fondness for free-spirited heroines who get to tramp through the narrative changing the world as they do! 

Lee Ji-an from My Ahjussi: I’ve never had my heart broken more OR restored by any single character. IU is *phenomenal * in this, I think she really stepped up to what the script demanded from her. Ji-an’s weariness, her fear and vulnerability, her prickliness, her anger and her bitterness, and how, despite everything, she fights : GOD. Just. Again, what I love about the writing in this show is that it’s deeply empathetic without being cloyingly sentimental. I think a less, hmm, imaginative writer/PD might have focused on the Lee Ji-an the victim, and while the show definitely tells you in no uncertain terms that she is one,  of both circumstances and a cruel society, I think it refuses to take away her agency over her own life.(Lee Ji-an when we meet her is too busy hanging onto life by tooth and claw to indulge in self-pity, but we also see the toll it takes on her not to be able to say “this is too heavy a burden for me to carry myself and it isn’t my fault”; the show I think approaches Dong-hoon from the opposite side- his emotional isolation is partly a result of his own choices, but he doesn’t see it yet, and so his journey is also about letting people in and sharing the burden, but also recovering his own agency over his life. It’s an interestingly gender-bent arc, which is one of the things I love about this show. )

Ok, can I please add one more?

Hwang Han-joo from Melo is my Nature: She just felt SO real to me. She’s someone who doesn’t have the spectacular brilliance of either Jin-joo or Eun-jung, and struggles with accepting her limitations but not allowing herself to be defeated by them? I love her struggles as a mother, as a working woman in a sexist industry, a woman who’s perhaps having to rethink and reimagine what she wants from romance. I love that she’s a little silly, a lot kind, and an optimist, and just. I just think she’s the bravest of the three, tbh, and I LOVE HER AND I WOULD WATCH A SPIN OFF ABOUT JUST HER (i shouldn’t have faves among the three i know, BUT I DO, IT’S HER, IT’S HER.)

Ok! On to the next section! And I’m going to cheat again because I can’t stop at three. SORRY. NOT SORRY. 

Characters I love and SHOULD write fic for if I weren’t such a tired and lazy bunny:  

Song Sa-hui from Rookie Historian: Oh, girl, girl, GIRL. I love how she fights to snatch her freedom from the jaws of the patriarchy. I love that she unapologetically centers herself while doing that, because she knows that nobody else will.  I love that she’s prickly and calculating. I love that she’s smart and knowledgeable. I am SO HAPPY that she got to carve out a little bit of freedom for herself, even if it also is exile to some degree. She *should * be Emperor Jin’s Prime Minister and steering the ship of state, while also carrying on a tumultous affair with Queen Min Woo-hee, while ALSO commiserating with Emperor Jin about his boyfriend Historian Min Woo-won’s regrettable tendency towards Principles (TM) and masochism-but-not-in-the-fun-way. (This takes up much of his time which is why Song Sa-hui is running the country, of course. It works out well for all concerned, well, except her dad, of course.)

Song Ga-gyeong from Search:WWW: What’s NOT to love about our brilliant, beautiful, emotionally tortured gay icon? Nothing, absolutely nothing. I loved how the show allowed her to be flawed and make bad decisions, and then allowed her to make better decisions and regain control of her life. What I do need to do, of course, is see the CANON LOVE STORY between her and Cha Hyeon through to the end. It must, of course, include at least one baseball game, a lot of tequila and messy beach kisses. 

Oh Ji-hwa from Beyond Evil: Oh boy, this year’s runaway hit cleared the extremely low bar for standard crime/ thriller shows by leaving more than one of its female characters breathing and with all limbs intact, and got called feminist for it BUT it didn’t do justice to any of them in any meaningful way and that never hurt more than in the way they sidelined Kim Shin-rok’s talent by not giving Oh Ji-hwa anything much to do. She’s a tough as nails cop, a loving sister, a devoted but unsentimental friend-and by rights SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE HEROINE OF THIS SHOW. My secret fic fantasy is to rewrite the show entirely by making her , and the two other female characters in non-antagonist roles- Yoo Jae-yi and Im Sun-nyeo- as the central characters, as they investigate a serial killer who targets women.  It’s the only acceptable version of this done-to-death (ha!) genre, I have no idea what the Baeksang jury and tumblr fandom is smoking when they hype the show so much, I want none of it. 

Jung Sun-ah from The Devil Judge: I love her rage, her spite, her passionate defense of women, her style, her sexiness, her rage, her rage, her brilliance, her tenaciousness, her smartness, her clothes, her refusal to hate herself for everything she is and chooses to be, her ambition, her comfort wielding power, her EVERYTHING. Dead, her? NOT IF I HAVE ANYTHING TO SAY ABOUT IT. Here’s what *really * happened at the end of canon- she gets out of the building by planting that lady-like but still deadly gun against Kang Yo-han’s temple and making him lead her through his own “secret escape route” or whatever the fuck it was the show wanted us to believe. From there on out, it’s all sunshine and beaches, and scheming and waiting for the right moment to strike again-though of course, this time around, she also has to reckon with vigilant, tenacious cop Soo-hyun -another character who REALLY didn’t die for manpain reasons and had the good sense to leave her gay best friend to follow his psychopath boyfriend to Switzerland or wherever it is that star crossed lovers in kdrama land meet up on the regs these days- anyways, Soo-hyun and her are in this catch-me-if-you-can epic transnational honest and cute cop-and-beautiful sexy villain chase and yes, they WILL kiss (and more) AND IT WILL BE GLORIOUS. 

*whew *

Thanks for coming to my TEDTalk.

[hanijunk]

Alright boys, girls, and nonbinary folks of the world. It’s 5:36am (1/30 when I first started) as I decide to give up on my attempt to continue to focus on learning statistics, avoid studying for my two upcoming midterms, and put off my two actual essays for two different classes.

Instead we’re going into a dive about ✨ KazuFuuma ✨ . Is this me telling you you gotta ship it? No of course not, you’re entitled to your own ships! You don’t really gotta care about it as a ship. But I do want people to recognize it’s THERE canonically, and how disregarding it is extremely unfair to Kazuki as a character particularly. Also, I’m working on the assumption anyone clicking this at least knows the bare bones about what KazuFuuma (ex. You know they are a ship of Kazuki/Fuuma from Dolce, you know they are childhood friends, you know who Dolce is, you know about Honeyworks, etc.) I’ll be making references to specific things, but I won’t always go into heavy detail. Might just hope you know it or take my word for what it is, and go into analyzing it. Some I’ll put direct references to find, but some I’ll trust you can find it yourself. If you somehow read this MAMMOTH and want reference to a specific thing mentioned, hmu I can help you find it!!

Also I hate tumblr formatting sm if you legit wanna read this 7 page essay but hate tumblr format lmk I'll add it as a google doc link instead too. anYWHO

Before actually getting into the meat of things lemme preface some stuff.

Again it’s like almost 6am so this will be disorganized and very train of thought (and likely long due to the fact when I fly by the seat of my pants I’m known to get unnecessarily extensive). It’s definitely gonna be in large part why it’s important to recognize as a romantic relationship foundation and what about it shapes Kazuki’s character in particular. Maybe a bit of how it’s been built up and its general focus and implications. Dunno yet. We’ll see LMAOO

I say f*ck. Not a lot, just a handful of times. This ain’t something scholarly this is for my own enjoyment so if you don’t like that might not wanna read. And it’s not like spitefully I just curse a lot if you haven’t...read my tags before lol

Again this is through the lens of a Kazuki stan. Of COURSE I’m going to have some level of bias, but if anything that bias may help more than hurt because that means I become FIXATED and think a lot about Kazuki. Which plays into establishing just how important it is that Kazufuuma’s relationship is recognized, especially in a romantic light at this point. Lmfao. 

I’ll have a few more prefaces about the actual content below but to keep this from getting too long if you wanna read come below the cut owo

I have extremely limited knowledge of Japanese just taking a few classes in highschool (so like 3 yrs ago) and live in America. This means a lot of my knowledge is gathered through the english translations of the super duper incredible and lovely people in the Honeyworks fandom who provide translations (delaix and takanenene esp have provided so much for me being able to understand Dolce) and my own limited Japanese paired with Google Translate for things that remain untranslated.

This only will be drawing on information I have come in contact with and have access to and making assumptions based on that, most (if not all) of which is in the public domain. So things like the Dolce Manga Volumes released via Animate, exclusive 4komas, and Light Novels are out of my area for the most part (apart from again snippets of translations thanks to this fandom’s godlike and generous translators).

I will not be drawing on anything from the first Dolce album with the exception of Nade Nade. From a meta standpoint, I consider those songs as songs made as performance media as opposed to character explorations. Nade Nade is the exception because (1) it was released a whole year before the album and (2) you can tell it’s explicitly an exploration of Fuuma and Kazuki’s interpersonal relationship even if it’s in a slightly more performance based context than the songs that came out with the Dolce LNs. Easiest parallel I can make to show this is if you held Non-Fantasy, Yume Fanfare, and Samishigariya up against each other, you could tell the difference in intended audience and intended purpose the same way the Dolce 1st album, Nade Nade, and the songs of the LNs do respectively. Even if there is some basis to ground Kazufuuma, for the purposes of this essay I’ll be acting under the assumption the 1st album falls under the Non-Fantasy equivalent category.

THAT WAS A LOT OF PREFACING CONSIDERING LIKE 2 PPL WILL PROBABLY READ IT I just have a tendency to anytime I do anything analytical lay down ground acknowledgements for myself to work on just...cuz it makes me feel less guilty for any accidental misinformation even if I’m writing towards my future self to read lolll IM SORRY WITHOUT FURTHER TO DO HERE’S THE BRAIN DUMP

First let’s go ahead and establish why it needs to be recognized as an important relationship. Again, I’m a Kazuki stan. He’s my favorite character not only of Dolce but also of the entire Honeyworks series, and as much as I love him for reasons outside the ship, whether you like it or not Kazufuuma is an essential aspect of his character and narrative. Of course there’s the fact that him and Fuuma are childhood friends, so that’s going to in part define their characters and interactions with each other and those around them. They’re both going to be relevant to one another and important to one another’s stories to an even greater extent than the rest of the members of Dolce. But on Kazuki’s side at least, it’s an EXTREME amount. A running plotpoint in Dolce Diary is the sheer amount of dedication Kazuki has to Fuuma and how much his thoughts and decisions are influenced by Fuuma, whether it be how he feels happiest spending time with Fuuma, how he decided to get his piercing to represent he wanted to protect Fuuma, how he doesn’t want to dislike food so he can eat what Fuuma dislikes, etc. Not to mention running jokes about his borderline overprotectiveness and downright possessiveness of Fuuma, how proud he is when Fuuma gets praised, or that one 4koma that literally explicitly states he can read Fuuma’s mind when he thinks motherfucking ‘dirty thoughts’ about his childhood friend (Fuuma). I still don’t know what the fuck to make of that last bit. Genuinely. Or the fact it’s a fucking running joke. As in it’s not a one off. It’s been brought up multiple times. Kazuki what the fuck. 

That’s not to say that he doesn’t have character outside of Fuuma or he doesn’t interact with people other than Fuuma. He’s great friends with Sara, Girisha, and Kippei and is shown time and time again to have fun interactions with all of them, generally acting as the best support friend for every member of the group, not Fuuma alone. For instance how he helps Kippei with his self confidence issues or stays over at Sara’s to protect him from a cockroach (which he fails at lol). Nor is that to say all his interactions involving Fuuma focus solely on his devotion to Fuuma, especially in instances where the manga focuses on Dolce as a group dynamic (though even in that setting there are times where jokes about his devotion are thrown in). He’s kind, he’s stupid, he’s friendly, he’s an amazing character in his own right, and I love him for all those reasons. But that doesn’t change the fact a major part of his character and his character interactions are rooted in Fuuma, and arguably some of his most interesting, eccentric, and notable behaviors and traits revolve around Fuuma (again the mind reading for example).

Hell let’s take it one step further. If you look at the character bios of the Dolce members, you get everyone’s motives for being an idol and interests. Of them, Kazuki is the only one to have another character mentioned directly, not to mention that supporting Fuuma is explicitly stated to be his primary motive as to why he became an idol. Not even Fuuma’s sister is mentioned, though two arguments can be made for this. The first would be that Fuuma’s backstory about wanting to fulfill his dream for himself and his sister was decided later to explain Fuuma’s choice to crossdress though it can be argued it was intentionally done to leave it as a reveal at a later date, to which I would argue I don’t think this backstory was a choice in post. While Fuuma’s dedicated Dolce Diary extra exploring that backstory was released a little less than a year after Dolce was revealed, the preview to set up Fuuma’s backstory was actually the first thing released after the character bios on the Dolce Official Twitter page if you exclude a drawing of Dolce from Yamako. The second argument could be that information about his sister was intentionally withheld to set up the reveal when Fuuma’s extra released to explore it. However, going by that logic (which I do agree with), that would also mean that Fuuma’s inclusion and importance in Kazuki’s character bio also set up his dedicated extra, which I don’t think would be incorrect to assume considering what his actual extra turned out being.

Which brings me to the thing that makes it inexplicable to write off the romantic implications behind Kazufuuma: Kazuki’s dedicated Dolce Diary extra, Suki. I shipped Kazufuuma before even knowing of Suki, sure. But the fact that Suki even exists is a shock to me and drove into me the fact that Kazufuuma wasn’t just my own projection. Again, it’s not a surprise that Fuuma shapes Kazuki’s life. They’re childhood friends, of course they’re going to be important to each other. But this extra explicitly brought Kazuki’s feelings towards Fuuma under a direct spotlight. At first I was thinking oh, this extra was just to acknowledge the fact that Kazuki and Fuuma’s relationship can have romantic implications, but the end of it the conclusion that we got was that it didn’t matter what type of “like” he felt for Fuuma. Originally, I thought it wasn’t anything more than saying there are all types of like, and it doesn’t always need to be explicitly defined, but I appreciated the fact they were aware that they were writing Kazuki in a way that conveyed romantic implications. 

Then I thought about it because, again, I love Kazuki of course I’m going to think about his character extra, and realized...that’s not how these character extras have worked. There are only three character extras out as far as I know and have read: Fuuma, Kippei, and Kazuki. If we look at Fuuma and Kippei’s, each extra had a conclusion, sure, but they didn’t have a resolution. Rather, they were simply setting up explicitly what each character’s primary character arc and conflict were. Fuuma’s extra brought attention to the fact that he’s particularly a crossdressing idol by exploring the motives behind it. His choice to be a crossdressing idol is constantly under fire both by himself and the world around him. He’s not immune to those who consider his crossdressing strange, and a part of his story is both finding people who accept his decision to crossdress and to succeed for himself as a crossdressing idol. It’s an essential part of how we understand and define him as a character and it’s a central part of how he interacts with the world around him. For Kippei, it lays the severity of his insecurity under the spotlight and his journey and motives for improving himself. Again, this isn’t something isolated and resolved in the extra; his extreme insecurity and negativity is constantly affecting how he interacts with practically everyone from his fellow Dolce members to his fans despite the fact in all honesty? He’s fucking insanely talented in his own right, his own brother mentioning how smart he is and how he has amazing reflexes. For Kippei, his negativity is an essential part of how we understand and define him and central to how he interacts with the world as much as Fuuma’s decision to crossdress is to him.

Which brings us back to Kazuki, of course. In his dedicated extra, in the chapter that’s supposed to explore and establish and bring attention to an essential part of his character, the aspect of himself under investigation is how he feels about Fuuma. It’s not just how he behaves around Fuuma, it’s explicitly an exploration of his feelings, on top of the fact it’s explicitly an exploration about whether or not he likes Fuuma r o m a n t i c a l l y. Literally the conflict is spurred on by someone outright asking “Do you like him?” and having to clarify “I mean romantically.” What they decided to focus on for Kazuki’s character and emphasize and establish is that Kazuki’s like towards Fuuma toes the line between friendship and romance. His ambiguous feelings towards Fuuma (if we leave them inconclusive as Suki did) are just like Fuuma’s crossdressing and Kippei’s insecurity in the sense the weight of whatever those feelings may be are seen in how he interacts with the world around him and influences his behaviors. It would be another story if they introduced the potential and shut it down all within the extra, because then his central conflict would to me be less directly open to romantic potential and more simply about how his arc was meant to explore the dynamic of the behavior of an extremely dedicated best friend. The fact that he may be romantically attracted to Fuuma or may be only platonically dedicated to Fuuma is instead something that looms over Kazuki in the same way Fuuma’s decision to crossdress constantly looms over him. It’s what Dolce wanted to point to and say this is Kazuki’s central character conflict and central arc: exploring what type of feelings he has towards Fuuma. 

Sure, it can be argued that there’s only three Dolce Diary character extras, there’s not enough to be sure about that being the purpose of the extras unless we get the other two’s extras. First, at this point I honestly don’t know if or when they’re going to release an extra revolving around Sara and Girisha just because not only has it been over a year and a half since the latest Dolce Diary Character Extra (Kazuki’s) was released despite the gap between the first and latest Dolce Diary Character Extra (Fuuma’s and Kazuki’s) were within a year of release but also because the Dolce 4komas and comics they’ve been posting to Twitter have decreased (last one being over half a year ago) potentially due to them deciding to focus on releasing Dolce manga content through the purchasable volumes instead. (This is not particularly related to the Kazufuuma argument, just wanted to put out there my two cents on what Sara and Girisha’s extra/focal arc would be. Based on a large part of the Dolce Diary in conjuncture with Can’t an Idol Fall in Love, I’d argue Sara’s would be his journey to regain his passion for performing, and if it’s not that I’d say it’d be coming out of his self-imposed isolation and opening up to people again. As for Girisha, I have less of a concrete idea but I’m assuming it’d be something pertaining to how people often misconceive him whether it be in tandem with his determination, his optimism and sociability, or his stupidity/ability to ignore those misconceptions and work past them. But Girisha is treated like the comedic relief 90% of the time so I’m not entirely sure, but his primary conflict is definitely rooted in misconceptions of him being his roadblock imo. #MoreGirishaContentPlz) That being said, I personally feel like the three are already enough evidence, especially considering it would be honestly even more cruel for Kazuki’s character-centric extra to be focusing on something that wasn’t essential to his character and character arc, anyway. And though it’s not explicitly stated that these chapters are extras exploring a central character, you can kind of tell based on how they are (to my knowledge) the only Dolce Diary updates with cover/title cards each which include their focal character front and center. So working off that fact, the Kazuki-centric chapter established that a pillar to his narrative was his feelings towards Fuuma and that those feelings are still open to romantic potential. 

But if you follow me, this is why up until Can’t an Idol Fall in Love With Another Idol’s release, I was terrified of them writing that off. I would have been ok if it was just an arc that was given attention then continued to actively work in the background, as all the character arcs have been over all of Dolce’s content. The fact that they might be giving Fuuma a love interest and giving Fuuma a love arc while Kazuki’s feelings were still up in the air and were still the primary highlighted narrative for him would have been fucking scuffed. To me, it would be like… why would they make him so Fuuma-centric to the point that even his dedicated chapter was not just focused on Fuuma but focused on the ambiguity and potential of him having romantic feelings for Fuuma, yet reduce him to being Fuuma's designated right-hand man. Don’t get me wrong, friendships are just as important as romantic relationships. But again, rather than conclude Kazuki’s answer in Suki to be that his feelings were of friendship, they left it open ended and allow audience members to be actively aware that Kazuki’s feelings towards Fuuma still had potential to be romantically coded. It would just be so weird to quickly close off that narrative by giving Fuuma a love interest as opposed to letting Kazuki conclude it himself. It would be fucking beyond frustrating for me, at least Eventually, I kept trying to drive my hopes that they would explore Kazuki’s narrative at all down to the ground because it was a Fuuma-centric novel; maybe if anything they’d explore those feelings in his own novel after the fact. But then they kept having little drops here and there of Kazuki being even the slightest bit relevant and I’d go back to questioning “Are??? They??? Is this on purpose??? Do they know what they’re doing or are they just doing this because Kazuki’s just so important to Fuuma as his best friend that he’s there as his right-hand I genuinely can’t tell???” And um. Welp.

Safe to say Can’t An Idol Fall in Love sold me on the fact that they know what they’re doing LOL. And to anyone who thinks that Kazuki’s feelings can still be read as ambiguous in CAIFILWAI as opposed to explicitly romantic - whether it be due to a fear they may pull the “I like him as a friend” card or due to the disbelief that they have an explicit mlm main character in the Honeyworks series - I’d like to cover any bases that may make you think this way. If you think it’s just Kazuki acting like a protective friend, why do you think he calls Yui a rival? If you’ve only seen the MV and think it’s ambiguous or can be taken as the "likfe" for friend, then does that mean you think Yui’s feelings toward Fuuma are also ambiguous or as a friend? With the way Yui responds, she is trying to rival Kazuki’s feelings towards Fuuma. She and Kazuki recognize whatever feeling it is that they hold towards Fuuma, both of their feelings are the same type. I don’t think most people would argue that Yui’s confession about Fuuma was one of pure respect and friendship. Plus, if anything I’d argue of the three characters in the MV, Fuuma is the one whose feelings are left the most ambiguous despite him being the central character. It’s heavily implied that he may be forming feelings for Yui, but nowhere is it established either in the song or in the MV, especially if you compare it to Kazuki and Yui’s declarations or if you compare it to Sara’s feelings for Uru in Can’t An Idol Fall in Love. Fuuma’s romantic narrative here is trying to figure out how he feels for Yui, while for Kazuki and Yui they’ve established a rivalry because they both have mutually established they like Fuuma romantically.

If the MV isn’t enough for you and Suki isn’t enough for you for...some reason…??? You can check out the snippets of the light novel which the wonderful takanenene translated: one which revisits the conflict set up in Suki and one that covers the confession scene in the MV in more detail. If the fact that the conflict set up in Suki (aka the lurking feeling of not knowing if all he felt for Fuuma was only platonic or more than platonic) was specifically reestablished in the LN for anyone who didn’t keep up with Dolce Diary didn’t tip you off that it was something important, his behavior in the confession scene as depicted by the LN definitely should have. He’s possessive about his spot by Fuuma’s side. He doesn’t want that spot to be taken by anyone else. Even if he knows that they can help Fuuma, he wants it to be him. And this line: “Kazuki then trails off his words, quietly saying ‘That’s why…’ and then gave Yui a slightly painful smile, his cheeks turning red,” before he declares Yui a rival and states he likes Fuuma. If you can tell me you read that line and are still on the fence about Kazuki’s “like” towards Fuuma being romantic, please message me and I will see how I can get through to you. Like it wasn’t even just a romantically coded confession. It’s just a romantic confession. That “like” is romantic. And I’m so proud that he’s not only come to understand for himself how he feels, but that he’s confident enough to ask the person he sees as a romantic rival to speak in private and not only clarify her feelings for Fuuma but before she can even do that firmly establishes that he loves Fuuma with conviction. Kazuki my boy I’m so proud of you. *sniffs*

And that’s it for establishing Kazufuuma as at least canonically one-sidedly canon and why there’s not only no reason to deny it but also why denying it is a fucking disrespectful move towards Kazuki. He’s a character, sure, but that doesn’t change the fact you shouldn’t write off his struggle to come to be convicted enough to say it out loud. This has been something weighing on him at least a year, if not more (all I know is it started when both he and Fuuma were in some year in middle school). And as a character in a piece of media, I’ve been saying this the entire time, but brushing it off as non-romantic is literally chucking a fucking pillar of his character’s story into the gutter. And to those who may be saying Kazuki’s confession came out of nowhere and is pandering reread this entire fucking essay again I dare you to do it and tell me to my face it’s pandering. Again. Writing off the buildup as pandering is disrespectful to him, disrespectful to his character and narrative, and disrespectful to the wonderful people who have been creating Dolce so diligently and have crafted this narrative for us. Saying his “supposed feelings” and “ambiguous confession” is pandering is like saying Fuuma’s crossdressing is pandering which. If you say either of those I will find you and I will shank you in the fucking gut. Even if you’re not fully into Dolce, recognize these characters are actually very well developed and executed amazingly, as per every Honeyworks character that has come to exist. I don’t blame you if you weren’t aware of the weight of Kazufuuma, but now that you read this I hope you are. That’s mainly what I needed to get out there, but as follows will be me more exploring how Kazufuuma has been built up and generally waving my hand off at where it may be going. If you want you can dip, thanks for reading up to here because I know I repeated a lot because it’s just. So important to drill into your head and has been something I’ve been hung up about constantly. LOL

As for where exactly they’re taking it from this point on, I honestly don’t know. In all honesty, I didn’t even expect them to take it the direction they did. But honestly, I think the direction they went with it is really interesting and better than I could have imagined, in my opinion at least. Honeyworks never ceases to amaze me with their storytelling and narrative choices, and I don’t think there’s any that stand out to me as being severely questionable that they haven’t reapproached at some point down the line. And, again, I think they’re treating this with a lot of care and deserved respect. So I’m just gonna be gushing about how smart they set it up and how smart they’ve been executing it and maybe my own hopes on the direction it could go.

Whether they make Kazufuuma reciprocated I have no real clue or bearings, but to me my gut reaction is they will. Of course, I’m biased, but again if you trace things all the way back to 2018 and step through Dolce’s content and growth from there, I’d say even if they didn’t know if they could execute it like this and see it to fruition, I’d argue that Kazufuuma has been at least heavily implied since the beginning as a relationship they wanted to explore from both sides of the relationship. Obviously I brought up Kazuki’s character bio already, but if you look at the *goes to count* 5th Dolce Diary update already has a joke jabbing at the fact that Kazuki is technically Fuuma’s type (and the way Kippei and Kazuki excitedly react is so cute). The fifth update. And as stated before there are tons of Kazufuuma moments in Dolce Diary, whether it’s played for comedic effect or played straight (and this is post Suki but oh my god I’ve said it before I’ll say it again get yourself someone who looks at you the way Kazuki looks at Fuuma oh my jesus). But song-wise, I mentioned the one Dolce album song I would bring up is Nade Nade and this is where it comes! 

Not only is Nade Nade specifically focused on Kazuki and Fuuma’s relationship as opposed to the whole of Dolce despite being the first song, it included the setup/preview of the Fuuma-centric extra prior to the full release of the Fuuma-centric extra itself and was released early as fuck. Literally between the 6th and 7th update to Dolce Diary. Sure, it could be to isolate them as a duo for marketing purposes (they’re very often the two promoted idols together if the whole of the group aren’t included), but the way it’s established as a perspective song as opposed to a general idol duet is what fascinates me. Anyone who didn’t know about Dolce prior and only followed Honeyworks for music would be first introduced to these characters through this song alone, and maybe this is where my Kazufuuma bias comes from but I was one of those people LOL. I thought it was just a cute one-off relationship that they had set up for the purpose of a song and that it was an implied friends-to-lovers story that would never get a conclusion. Also I mistakenly thought Fuuma was a girl oop-. In the full context of Dolce, this song in part helped establish Fuuma and Kazuki more solidly as a unique duo out of all of Dolce, but it also specifically explored through Fuuma’s eyes just how much Fuuma recognizes and appreciates the unwavering support Kazuki gives him to follow his dreams as he wishes. For Fuuma, he loves Kazuki too, though whether it holds any romantic potential in the same way Kazuki loves him has never been explored to nearly the same extent. But Fuuma appreciates how Kazuki’s remained by his side and does everything he can to support him, so Nade Nade explores how his way of expressing his love and thankfulness to Kazuki is by never saying that he needs Kazuki by his side. He’s glad Kazuki’s always been there for him, and his reciprocation takes on the form of being ready to unwaveringly support Kazuki and not ask for more than he already has, even if it meant Kazuki would be leaving his side, despite the fact that he really does wish they could remain together forever just as Kazuki does. The one point he lets himself say something vaguely close to always wanting to stay together, he gets a surprised expression out of Kazuki and says an ambiguous “suki dayo.” Of course, this it much less romantically coded than what we get from Kazuki in Suki and CAIFILWAI, but there is an interesting emphasis put on it nonetheless. Keep in mind, this is all established through the song, which released long before not only Fuuma’s character-centric extra released but also Kazuki’s character-centric extra released, so there is at least a substantial setup for Fuuma’s feelings towards Kazuki’s being strong as well and possibly grow to be reciprocated one day.

I think for me the most fascinating part about Nade Nade is how they tied it back around to Can’t An Idol Fall In Love with Another Idol. Again, without remembering Nade Nade, I still thought CAIFILWAI was brilliantly explored and executed, even if some people would have preferred no love triangle. But honestly, revisiting Nade Nade makes me trust even more the direction they’re taking with this. Whether or not they make Kazufuuma canon mutually (which. Even if they for some inexplicable reason didn’t I’m going down with this ship.), I’m sure they’re putting a lot of thought into the story, because the last bit of Nade Nade directly parallels the misunderstanding that arose from Fuuma mishearing the Kazuki and Yui. Fuuma is resolved to support Kazuki in any area he’s given the chance, and that explicitly includes if Kazuki had some girl he liked, which is what he assumes is going on. The fact that they tied this back around in the form of a misunderstanding was really really smart and Honeyworks is always so good at parallels and references back to their older songs, but for some reason I didn’t expect this. I don’t know how to say why, but the fact that the song that started it all, kicked off both Dolce and Kazufuuma, was directly referenced both visually in the MV with a cameo at the start and narratively despite the central dynamic being predominantly explored in this story in particular was that of Fuuma and another potential love interest and involves said potential love interest for some reason makes me think that (sorry Yui) this is all planned out for Kazufuuma in the grand scheme of things. That being said, I don’t know if me thinking it was planned all along is just me with shipper goggles, but the idea it’s come full circle nearly 3 years later is not shipper goggles and a very very well done parallel in my opinion, whether this trajectory was their plan for Kazufuuma from the beginning or not. Just wanted to gush about that some more. 

There’s more I could go into especially if I went into specific details about interactions or specific implications established in Honeyworks' Dolce content about different characters that would be fascinating to explore in relation to and under the lens of Kazufuuma, but I think this is uh...plenty long enough. Plus, I doubt you'll stop seeing Kazufuuma posts from me so those ideas will probably just be miniposts or somethin.

Back to the overarching point of this segment, idk what they’ll do with this story in the end, but do I think Kazufuuma will canon? I’m used to looking at ships that aren’t explicitly apparent with a sliver of skepticism, but all things considered (as I stated before) yeah. I don’t see reason why they wouldn’t now that they’ve explicitly identified there is a romantic dimension to it ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ Like to me, the setup isn’t something that would be written off as unrequited? And this doesn’t have to play into why I don’t think it will canon, my personal opinion on the Fuuyui relationship (again albeit through the lens of a hard Kazufuuma shipper lmao) has it’s own merits and is really cute, I find it cute in the way I found Koyuhina cute. I personally never really shipped Koyuhina, and especially since they slipped Kotarou into Ima Suki Ni Naru I was more curious about who this kid was and how he played into things I didn’t really see Koyuhina as something that would come to fruition. Similarly, there’s more importance in the overall sense on Kazuki than there is Yui (considering he’s one of the 5 original and focal members of this generation of idols, this would be natural), as well as the fact there’s just way more foundation and exploration in Fuuma and Kazuki’s relationship than there is Fuuma and Yui. As for how much of a balance there is inside the LN itself, the fact that they seem to have spent a substantial amount relaying the foundation of Fuuma and Kazuki’s relationship and re-exploring it (at least in Kazuki’s perspective) at all on top of how much content there is covering their relationship prior to the LN ever since Dolce’s origin just feels like that relationship holds more weight. Pretty much Kazufuuma feels more established as a priority in general. The way I personally hope Fuuyui plays out is whether they wind up holding mutual feelings or not or whether Fuuma doesn’t feel that way towards Yui is they get a relationship akin to Kotarou and Arisa. Albeit, Kotarou and Arisa never viewed each other in a romantic light, but they had mutual respect and solidarity. That’s the type of friendship I hope comes out of Fuyui. And considering there hasn’t been a break-up in any Honeyworks’ canon relationships (nor do I expect there to be… they’re all perfect for each other LMAO) it would actually be interesting if Fuuyui get together but don’t endgame and Kazufuuma is established as the inseparable endgame after some realization or another, though I don’t expect them to go that route nor do I know if that’d be the best way to go about it anyway. Also final point, Honeyworks seems to have a thing for childhood friends trope anyway soooooo owo All in all, don’t know where they’re taking it, just excited to see where it goes. 

TL;DR of this *counts* 7 page essay, stan Kazufuuma. Not gonna proof this. Maybe I’ll edit and repost but yall are getting a confusing clusterfuck of ramblings over 2-3 hr periods of me writing across 3 different days at around 5am each day. Uh. If you got this far like and subscribe and-- jk plz reply to this mammoth anywhere you see fit or tell me if you have stuffs to add or counter or whatnot I like hearing people talk about Kazufuuma ;w; I am Kazuki and Kazufuuma brainrot can you tell after reading this? No? Lemme just remind you I’m K--

[argumentl]

The Freedom of Expression Ep 55 - Rage Room.

K: Hi, this is Dir en grey's Kaoru with this week's episode of The Freedom of Expression . Joe, Tasai, welcome.

J: Today we are wearing...

K: Yeh, you've been wearing these recently, havn't you? Its just the right season for them.

T, J: Yeah.

J: Its a bit warm out for a thick coat during the day now..

T: Yeah, this is really useful.

K: It is a bit warm now, isn't it?

J: Yeah, and when it gets too warm I can just take this off, and put it straight in my bag...

T: Yeah, its just right. It really is easy to use.

K: I see.

T: Its great. And when I wear it, the girls think Im cool.

J: Do they really say that to you?

T: Haha, is it just me?

J: That sounds like bragging! No one says anything to me!

K: Don't they? haha

J: No! Why do some people get called cool, and others don't..even though we are both wearing Dir en grey clothes?? Does this simply mean Joe Yokomizo is not cool? Is that it?

T: No, no. Your mood switch is impressive, haha.

J: Please stop it. You know I'm still trying to get married again. Don't get in my way!

T: Why are you so angry? haha.

J: Thats just me, haha.

K: You are angry, aren't you?　

J: Oh, I'm ok.

K: Speaking of getting angry...lets have today's topic.

T: Oh, good idea.

J: Ok, may I read out today's news? This news is about a 'Rage Room'.

T: Oh, very fitting.

J: Yes..In the suburbs of São Paulo, a 'Rage Room' has recently opened, where people can release their pent up stress and anxiety, and it has been proving popular. The room is set up in a warehouse, and peope can unleash their anger by smashing up old tvs and computers etc. According to Vanderlei Rodrigues (age 42), who started the business a month ago, there are quite a lot of people using the room who want to release their anger, especially with the spread of covid. Rodrigues claims this was the best time to open a Rage room, with so many people needing a release from the massive stress and aniexty which they are experiencing. Incidentally, the price to experience this is $4.64, which equates to about ¥490. Users need to wear protective clothing and a helmet, and can write words on the wall to aim their anger at, like 'ex-girlfriend', 'ex-husband', 'corruption', 'work' etc. A single-mother of two who used the room had this to say about it: 'Its good that I can work off my discontent in this rage room. My daughters, or anyone else, don't have to bear the brunt of my complaints, and its great being able to smash things'. A Rage Room! What do you think? First of all, would you go if there was one here?

T: I wanna try it out, yeh.

K: It sounds interesting.

J: Right? Smashing stuff up.

T: And its under ¥500.

J: Yes, it is.

T: Hm, that sounds pretty good.

J: Right?! It might be more expensive if it was in Japan, what with the land price being higher...if you compare it to São Paulo, Brazil. But if it was in the suburbs, like my home town Hachiouji or something, it might be cheaper, haha. It would be difficult to get there though. But if there was one here, I'd wanna try going. The question is though, if you went there, what would you aim your anger at?

T: Yeah.

J: Is there anything at Tokyo Sports you would pick?

T: There's a few things.

J: Right? Its like, what are you angry at? Like, 'My idiot boss!!!'?

T: Ah, I see.

K: Hiranabe?

J: Hiranabe! haha ???*1

T: Yeh, maybe I'll go with that. haha

J: Haha. Would you whack him in person?

T: No no, haha.

J: That would become a crime scene, haha. Kaoru, how about you?

K: Well, yeh...

J: What do you wanna unleash your rage at?

K: Hm, what do I? I don't really want to get direct anger AT anything. Stress happens as a result of lots of small things building up to make something bigger, right?

J: Of course.

K: I'd just wanna get the stress out in a way unrelated to all that stuff.

J: Ahh, I see. Well, yeh, stress has been building up bit by bit, even in just this last year.

K: Punchbags in gyms are apparently pretty popular too.

T, J: Ohh

J: People need somewhere to aim their rage. Ah, yeh there's that too. Some people go to the gym too. Lets go.

T: To a rage room?

J: Yeah. Well, I mean, I've got loads of things to  be angry at...loads that I can't say here, but...

T: Joe, are you that stressed out?

J: Yeah, its tough. My radio show is tough, everything is hard! Its been so tough, I wanna smash stuff.

T: But have you guys been really angry at anything recently? Like, so angry you wanted to punch someone?

K: Well, im not sure if its at that level, but I do get angry quite a lot...at people in the street wearing those noise cancelling earphones. They don't pay attention to anything around them, and just walk into you! There those people right?

T, J: Ahh, yeh yeh.

K???*2

T: You do get angry!

J: Well, yeah!

T: Well, I was out walking too, in Kichijōji, on a really narrow street near the station used by cars and pedestrians. And a drunk guy came riding his bike right down the middle of the street, and was about to crash right into me until I yelled at him. I was so angry with him!

J: Were you? Ahh.

T: Maybe my anger is aimed at people like that.

K: Mm, there are a lot of them.

J: This is why this kind of business works. Like you said earlier Kaoru, its not about being against a specific thing or person, its the daily stress that builds up and up, and this rage room helps to relieve that.

T: Its good, isn't it?

J: its just right. Should we do this? Let's open one.

K: Here?

J: Haha, we could smash loads here. Yeah, but a rage room. It sounds just right for these times....Kami is pretty quiet today..Are you there, Kami?

Kami: Im here, yes yes.

J: Were you asleep?

Kami: No no. Um, as for me...I wouldn't use this room.

J: Eh?! You wouldn't?

Kami: No.

J: Why? Don't you have any stress?

Kami: No, gods don't get angry.

J, T, K: Ehh?!

J: What do..

Kami: Its like, we are gods so we are not supposed to get angry.

J: Oh really?

T: I had the image that gods get angry quite a lot. 

Kami: No, not necessarily. You use a hammer to smash tvs and computers, right?

J, T: Yeah.

J: It would feel good, right?

Kami: I'd definitely hurt myself if I did that.

J: Haha.

Kami: Then I'd think 'Ahhh, it hurts' and regret doing it, which would make me get angry again. So I'd never do that. And charging ¥490 for it just adds insult to injury.

J: Haha

K: Well, there is that too.

T: Yeah.

J: Kami, have you never been angry in your life? 

Kami: I have loads of times.

J: You have? haha. You don't like the idea of a Rage Room though? You'd hurt yourself so you wouldn't use it?

Kami: I wouldn't.

J: Ahh, I see.

T: It would hurt your muscles a bit throwing a big, heavy hammer around.

J: Yeah, if you are not used to it.

T: Its scary.

K: Yeah, if its someone who doesn't usually use hammers.

J: Yeah, if it comes as a surprise, it'll be tough.

Kami: Um, wouldn't it be good to make something to prevent road rage? Something small.

J: Ah, yeah.

T: Yeah, road rage annoys me.

J: Road rage, yeh. Well, its dangerous.

Kami: If you told the government about a rage room that you can put in cars to prevent road rage, they would get it for you, right?

J: Ahh, well, like a small compartment?

Kami: Yes

J: A small rage compartment.

Kami: Yeah.

J: Before you get angry at person in front's driving, you could let it all out next to you ???*3

Kami: Ah, thats a good idea.

J: Haha

T: They could also make a room in the highway service areas or something?

Kami: Yeah.

T: To prevent road rage.

J: That might actually be good.

Kami: Yeah, road rage would disappear.

K: But if the wrong person comes in, they'll get punched.

J: Haha, your right. Everyone is there is stressed and annoyed, right?

K: Yeah.

J: If its not organised properly, they might start fighting.

K: They could have a martial arts contest in there.

J: Hahaha. Well, thats like putting your anger into a fight? Ahh.

T: I also wanna shout really loudly, to get rid of stress.

J: Ahh, we're not doing that recently, are we?

K: Ah, I see.

J: We can't yell at lives and stuff.

K: Well, Joe, you still talk a lot, but I've been talking less than usual.

T: Yeah.

J: Well, the number of conversations we have has decreased, right? Like, we don't go out drinking with friends..it builds stress.

K: Drinking makes your voice louder too, right? Joe, you get really loud when you drink! haha.

J: I do! Im so noisy

K: Well, yeah, its because of covid, people can't get their stress out.

J: Yeah. Well, lets think of some fun ways to get rid of stress.

T: Ok, lets think of something.

J: Firstly...

Kami: Something where you are not gonna get hurt and regret it.

J: Yes. But this is only dangerous because its tvs and computers, right, Kami? What if it were straw dolls or something?

Kami: Ah, in that case you'd hit your hand under the doll with the hammer.

J: Ah, you would. haha

Kami: There's no need for hammers and stuff.

J: Haha

T: He's peaceful.

J: Yeah

T: Very godlike.

K: But thats him messing up, right?

J: Oh, I see, its not that he's peaceful, its just about him messing up and hitting his own hand with the hammer. Does that make him a bit cute?

Kami: How about when you are opening a box and you pull it open with all your might, you cut your hand, right?

Kami: Cutting your hand on a box..

K: Oh, on a box, yeah. That happens a lot. I've been ordering online a lot recently. It cuts your fingers. ???*4

T: Yeh yeh, haha.

J: Also, when you get a package delivered and leave it in the hallway, and then bash your little toe off it when you walk past. Its only a small thing, but it hurst so much, right? Like, 'Uaaghh', you don't know what to do, right?

T: Yeah, thats annoying.

J: It really is. It would be better to just unpack it, but when you leave it there and bash your toe, its so bad!

Kami: Do you get annoyed?

T: What?

Kami: Do you get annoyed? As for me, if I bashed my little toe, I would think, 'Oh, not again!'. I would just be fed up.

K: Cute.

J: Haha, yeah. Whats happened to Kami today?

T: But yeh, it is those little things that often cause the big outbursts of anger. Just cutting your hand a tiny bit or something.

Kami: What would you call being fed up? Its not anger, but what is it?

J: What do you call that? Yeah.

T: Sulky?

K: Depression?

Kami: A sulking room would be good.

J: Ah, haha. Yeah, a sulking room.

Kami: It looks like there'd only be me in it.

T: Kami seems a bit sad today.

J: He does. Kami, did something bad happen to you?

Kami: Uh, yes, daily. All the time.

J: Oh, I see. Well, maybe not a rage room, but lets comfort each other in a sulking room.

T: Yeah, next time.

Kami: Yes please.

T: Lets get rid of the stress.

J: Yeah, haha.

K: Ok, lets finish here for this week.

J: Yes, im a little worried about Kami, but..

K: Thank you very much.

*1,2,3,4 - Couldn't catch/wasn't sure.

To top page

[manjiroscum]

Hi Pat! How are you?

I wanted to get input from some of the reader insert writers on tumblr on something and I hope you can help.

So as a community that has fully adopted that trigger warnings are good and needed on writings that require them, I was wanting to know if you (as a writer) think it would be ok for me (the reader) to ask a writer to label a piece of theirs with a trigger warning of "fluff -> angst".

Let me give some context, I feel that it's kinda needed. So I'm the type of person who gets super invested in anything I read, especially reader insert since that's kind of the point. But sometimes its to my own detriment because I can ruminate on something for a long time that will affect me emotionally. Now while yes I fully agree that's my own personal issue and I need to police myself, I do. I refuse to read anything labeled "angst/pure angst/hurt no comfort", because I know emotionally it would affect me terribly. However, if it has fluff as a TW that typically alludes to angst being in the beginning or middle and fluff at the end, basically I will read angst so long as it has a happy ending; but I won't read pure angst for my own safety.

So I read a one-shot a few weeks ago with separate TW of fluff and angst and naturally assumed it was angst in the beginning and fluff at the end which is ok for me to read. But it wasn't, it was fluff in the beginning and angst at the end. As I said I read it weeks ago and I'm still hung up over it, and I know that if it was labeled "fluff -> angst" I wouldn't have read it. So I thought about asking the writer to relabel it because I doubt I'm the only person like this and it could be helpful for others but part of me also feels as if asking them is idk petty? Or I think the writer might be uncomfortable or feel attacked by my request. I just feel like asking for a relabel when they already have "angst" as a TW would be rude and labeling as "fluff -> angst" would reveal to readers the ending without having to read the whole thing.

So basically do you personally think it would be ok to request a writer to relabel a TW to read as "fluff -> angst"?

Hi anon! (｡•̀ᴗ-)✧

oooh and mhmm 🤔 if u ask me, especially in cases like yours, it would definitely be helpful to have the tags that may hint on such things. such a tags does exist after all in ao3 and i dont see why it shouldnt be integrated here when needed. it also helps if the angst degree is placed like would it be mild angst, just hints of it, or would it be heavy.

but the thing is, it usually depends on who is writing if they consider such content to be merely mild or heavy. cause it would def vary from person to person. one might see it would just be light angst, but for others it is def a big deal of some sorts. it'll def be a challenge, that i can say.

and now on the topic of asking the writer to place the tag. perhaps if you ask them nicely, im sure they will cater to your request. however, as u pointed out, the element of surprise might be compromised or the tag "angst" is already there, so that is indeed a hurdle in this endeavor. i guess it'll def be up to the writer to label it, because i've seen most write such stuff and say in the tags that there won't be a happy ending at all or it is an open end but leaning more onto a sad aspect of it.

in short i'm sure there won't be a harm in requesting, just ask nicely. plus i'm sure the author isn't aware or hasn't seen this side of the spectrum. it's no one's fault tho. even i myself have to ask a couple of people if i should put certain stuff in the tags because i'm unsure. i guess it'll be nice to help out one another, like consumer to the producer. like a feedback bc im sure there are readers like you out there who have experienced this too. but if the writer doesn't feel comfortable in doing so, then we should respect that.

i do hope i gave u a good answer 😭

[ashtcnirwin]

i know bad confidence thoughts cant be fixed with good vibes only (sometimes a good nights sleep helps, literally saw this before i go to bed myself cus i hate everything im drawing but i figure tomorrow will bring a new outlook ✨) sO LIKE. i understand what ur feeling BUT!!!! good vibes dont hurt so if u wanna keep those for a day where they are more effective feel free to do so but as of now im kamehameha-ing a beam of love and appreciation ur way <3 /// i remember seeing CAD around when i started reading fic and not rlly wanting to click on it cus it seemed very nsfw heavy and i wasnt sure id be comfortable with it but boy is it the best decision ive ever made <3 your writing is really compelling and your characterisation is some of my favorite in fandom, it feels like you get how people work and i really like that, its also helped me understand people better thru how you write them (does that make sense. lmfao) and it doesnt have to be perfect, it definitely should be for u first and foremost, tho as a fellow ""content creator "" i definitely understand how ur feeling and idk if theres a solution to that, really :’) still, dont put too much pressure on urself, you’re not gonna disappoint (another trick i have is reminding myself that no one has to know that it was better in my head lmao all theyre seeing is the finished product so who cares abt the original idea 💀)

okay i did take 30 seconds to make a (terrible) gif of michael for this cos idk how else i could possibly respond

"its also helped me understand people better thru how you write them" i----huh??? how can i possibly come up with a decent response to a compliment of that caliber? am i expected to??? i shouldn't be cos i can't. i just can't, simple as that

no you're absolutely right, fellow terrible-sleep-schedule-european of mine, it's just a matter of reminding myself of it when the right (or, wrong ig) mood strikes

thank u, ily, you're one of my favourite ppl, in case you were wondering🧡