#its been too long ever since i moved out of my youtube phase like fucking 7 years ago

[eir-parade]

🌸 making a pinned 🌸 @paradeform -> @eir-parade

I have been on and off active on this blog but recently have tried to become more active with it.

Parade (subject to change - being nameless sucks)

21+

They/Them Non-binary. Panro Ace. 🏳��‍🌈🏳️‍⚧️

Yes, my interests will change on a whim. No, I don't know when they will. And yes, you are forced to indulge in it with me whether you like it or not. 💜

Project Sekai Enjoyer 🎶 - Niigo + Leo/need - Ichika, Haruka, Kohane, An, Emu, Rui, and all of Niigo :) - Poly/need real. - knmf, mzen, Polyniigo posting. - EN and JP -> mainly EN - Top 100 Guiding a Lost Child | Top 300 Dark Festa | Top 400 Mafuyu WL Chapter, Top 1500 Niigo WL Overall Honkai lover (EU)🦋 - Veliona solos your faves - So does Seele - Yes I whaled for E3 Seele. FFXIV player ✨ - Primal Lamia - Maybe one day I will talk about my WoL RWBY Watcher 🌹 - Xiao Long-Rose Sisters also solo your faves - This show is much more enjoyable when you don't have a bitch yapping in your ear about how "bad" it is or how it "fell off" after Monty passed. Various TV shows, movies, and games will make their occasional guest appearance.

Ao3: starpiece_vow (working up confidence to start posting my stuff)

PJSK Unit Shuffle AU (under-construction but the unit outlines can be seen here)

I may yap about other AU ideas for things and stuff

🚧-----------🚧

I will tag as appropriate as I can, however I do have a tendency to overlook or not think, so please tell me if I miss something. This includes triggers and spoilers.

I do not reblog anything that is explicitly NSFW BUT I do sometimes reblog stuff with suggestive themes/texts. They will be tagged as appropriate as possible but please do be advised.

🛑 Do Not Interact:

TERFs

SWERFs

Generally if you are phobic towards anyone part of the LGBTQ+ (transphobic, homophobic, biphobic, aphobic, etc.)

Generally if you are offensive to people on their race, gender, sexuality, and religion.

MAPs

Pro-shippers

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🔥last updated 24/11/2024

[charcubed]

Disneyland's Rogers: The Musical, propaganda that turns Steve Rogers into more myth than man, and revisionist history (possibly) to a purpose

Any of my thoughts in this post could just be me reading too far into things. I'm very aware of that, and please know that this post exists just because this sort of thing is fun for me! This is a thought exercise where we propose "What if we live in a world where the MCU is actually doing a cool and interesting thing as a longcon?" If you have anger at Marvel, that's valid and relatable, but please don't get angry at me or imply I'm an MCU stan who doesn't think critically about the mouse. Thanks!

Breaking news: I'm back on my bullshit!

A quick personal recap: I infamously hated Avengers: Endgame for a long list of reasons (and I even rewrote the movie). One of those reasons is that I've always taken issue with Steve's ending. But in the years since then, and as the MCU's phase 4 has evolved, my frustration at Steve's "ending" has turned into an ongoing and legitimate theory that the MCU could be slowly leading into a loosely adapted Secret Empire plot line. I know we've all been joking about Steve being trapped or about an imposter Steve since 2019, but uhhh, it's kind of not a joke to me anymore? It feels weirdly plausible at this point and so I enjoy discussing the potential.

You can find a full elaboration on that here, where I wrote out my "Steve was snatched by HYDRA" theory in 2021.

In that post, one of the things I mentioned at the time was Rogers: The Musical being in the Hawkeye trailer.

[The musical's] very existence is an example of how in-universe the stories of the lives of the heroes are being commodified, especially (in terms of how they’re framing it) for Steve’s. The heroes are no longer seen as people, if they ever were. They are, as Kate Bishop says to Clint in a recently released clip, more about “branding.” Sam Wilson will be redefining the shield moving forward in a Cap context, but simultaneously, the world is still enamored by Steve Rogers as a symbol in his own right. And that is ripe for manipulation as a Trojan horse to control public opinion… whether in the context of things like this by themselves (is the musical portraying Steve accurately, or is it painting an inaccurate picture of him the world accepts as fact?) or in future (is this propaganda that makes the public see Steve a certain way and continue to love him, to set up a fake or brainwashed Steve coming on the scene later?).

Now a form of the musical exists in full, at Disneyland and all over Youtube. Considering some of its baffling content – which I will break down below – this perspective seems even more strongly worth considering.

I have two main reasons for why I'm defending examining this musical so closely:

1. It is (arguably) an in-universe piece of media that has bearing on the MCU canon. It isn't like any other typical Disneyland attraction; its very existence is meta and it was in canon first. Obviously it's seen in Hawkeye, but there are also posters for it in several different phase 4 properties. It's lurking in the background indefinitely. So what can this musical tell us about what the wider public within the MCU is being told about the life story of Steve Rogers?

2. This Secret Empire graphic – which is animated in the center of the stage of a prolonged period of time – feels like a literal sign to pay attention.

Granted, this is obviously still ancillary material. 99% of the MCU audience will never see this musical, whether in person or on YouTube. But just because it isn't a vital piece doesn't mean it's automatically an entirely irrelevant piece.

They've given me an inch with that sign and I'm taking a mile.

So if you're interested, please join me on this journey :)

For the record, let me just say that I salute the creative team behind this show. It's pretty fun and the songs are catchy, the sets and costuming are cool, and the cast is overall very talented.

It's also fucking maddening. LMAO.

Why? Firstly, because of the seemingly deliberate ahistorical inaccuracies. We all know Ant-Man is wrongly shown in the Battle of New York, which originally "came from [the Hawkeye showrunner] and Marvel, as something to further aggravate Hawkeye as he watched the show, and also as a comment on how movies and articles and people always get something wrong." It seems like they expanded those meta nods, but most inaccuracies are now in service of glorifying Steve and Peggy's "love story." Yes, romance objectively makes for good theater; but again, I feel that this is worth examining considering the full context.

And secondly, Steve's ending is framed as an offer presented to him, convincing him it's the happy ending he deserves because he's tired. In my mind, these two big elements go together, and I'll walk you through the details of what happens in the musical before I tie the thought threads back around into some theorizing.

For your reference, here's a list of the main songs and story beats:

• "U-S-Opening Night" - the Starkettes (who are basically a Greek chorus) frame the show's story, and then it turns into an ensemble that loosely takes place at the Stark Expo. • "I Want You" – Steve's "I want" song about trying to enlist in the army. • "Star-Spangled Man With A Plan" – Steve performing on the USO tour obviously, and then there's a reprise with an added voiceover that (very briefly) covers the Howling Commandos' rescue + the war via comic book imagery. • "What You Missed" – Fury and the Starkettes tell Steve some pop culture things he missed while he was frozen, + they tell him about the Avengers. Then Fury goes down a list of other hero characters, including the Guardians? Doctor Strange? Wanda?? It plays loose and fast with time, because many non-2012 characters are bafflingly mentioned in this nonlinear Avengers list – including the Winter Soldier (???). • "Save the City" – this is the song seen in Hawkeye, with the civilians + the Avengers all involved, but it's slightly different here and expanded to also reference other battles. • "End of the Line" – Old Steve presents main Steve with the time stone as an opportunity for his happy ending, and they reflect on things together. (Yes, this is insane.) • "Just One Dance" – Steve and Peggy reunite and sing about their love. • And then there's basically a reprise of "Save the City," with the Starkettes and the whole cast closing the finale out.

Right out of the gate, let's address this: the main reason you're going to see some fans pissed about this musical is not only that Steve and Peggy's ~epic romance~ is made a pillar of the story... but also that Bucky's importance/involvement in Steve's life is minimized as much as possible.

And they took Bucky-related elements from canon and made them center more around Peggy instead.

• For some weird reason, Peggy is in the Stark Expo scene. When a soldier is hitting on the Starkettes ("hey sweetheart, I wanna dance!"), Steve tells the soldier to show the ladies some respect. The soldier grabs Steve and throws him down, and then Peggy swoops in to yell "Pick on someone your own size!" and punches the guy before walking away. So she's given Bucky's TFA line verbatim, and she is given the role he had of saving Steve from bullies. There is blatantly no reason they couldn't have had Bucky still serve that function and be truer to "history," because he briefly enters this scene in uniform less than a minute later to announce he's shipping out to the 107th – and then he spins off with a date on his arm. (We don't see Bucky on stage again until the full cast comes out for the finale!)

• After the Star-Spangled Man show, Peggy rushes in to talk to Steve. Steve is excited about his USO performance (???) but she urgently tells him to listen as she says that the 107th has been captured. Peggy apparently knows it's Bucky's division, and she knows Steve is going to go, so she tells him that she's already arranged transport for him. This is a subtle twist from the truth of how it went down in TFA, in which Steve recognized 107 as the number of Bucky's division, and his dogged determination inspired Peggy to relent and help his rescue mission. Here, Peggy is given a stronger role in the Cap origin story. And before Steve rushes off, Peggy sings a short untitled ballad hoping for their dance, so Steve pauses before he leaves to ask her to go on a date with her when he returns. • The most egregious Bucky-to-Peggy change of all is the song "End of the Line," in which the infamous Steve and Bucky line/promise (that broke Bucky's brainwashing...) is re-contextualized to be about ???? Peggy waiting for Steve in the past??? Old Man Steve and regular Steve sing it together. But we'll go back to that in a minute.

Again, I get it, yeah? It's for theater. Whatever. But in reality, the obvious logical truth is that Peggy is centered (to the point of taking elements from Bucky's story, and in turn Bucky is downplayed) because they needed to convince the audience that Steve going back in time to be with her makes sense. Steve's time travel ending had to be justified, so the Peggy and Steve "love story" had to be a pillar in this with everything else being given lesser weight.

And the inherent selfishness of him doing something as big as going back in time also had to be justified... which is why they do their best to convince you Steve fought so much he deserved it.

Let me elaborate on that by describing the lead-up to the "End of the Line" song.

So, right before "End of the Line" is "Save the City" – which includes Steve belting "I can do this all day!" repeatedly, of course. It's the 2012 Battle of New York as the Avengers come together to win.

As they begin to disperse, the song then transitions to a voiceover alert mentioning Sokovia being under attack by artificial intelligence (a.k.a. Age of Ultron). The Avengers group rushes back to center stage to say "Save the city! Help us win!" together for battle again.

And then things get fucking weird.

Because the next voiceover threat is "Washington DC. Attack: the Winter Soldier." This is not accurate to the order of events! The Winter Soldier events were before Age of Ultron; the public of the MCU would also know this.

And suddenly on stage Steve is now in the center while everyone else gestures to him. Instead of singing with him, they're telling him "Save the city! Help us win!"

Then, another voiceover: "Wakanda, under attack" (Infinity War) and again, Steve is centered while everyone else points to him. The ensemble says, "Save the city, help us win! Save us all from the state we're in! Got to hear you, got to hear you, got to hear you say..." as Steve is buckling to his knees under their pointing. And as the lights go down to one spotlight on him and everyone else leaves, he says "I can do this all day" one last time, but now it's subdued.

The implication is that Steve has been fighting and fighting, people leave him or he loses them, and he's tired.

And then fucking Old Man Steve arrives.

He says "On your left," because yes, they gave him Sam Wilson's line. BATSHIT.

So now there's two Steves on stage! There has been no mention of Thanos or infinity stones or anything up to this point! (I can only assume that's because in the MCU universe no one would want to be reminded of the trauma of "the Blip" – though it's pretty wild that they're allowed to know about magical time travel?)

Steve is baffled by Old Man Steve's arrival. I, too, was baffled by Old Man Steve's arrival.

As Steve questions how this is possible, Old Man Steve shows him the time stone from his pocket – and only the time stone – which Steve recognizes.

OLD MAN: "You've got to remember where you've been to know where you're going." STEVE: "Where am I going?" OLD MAN: "A date with destiny." STEVE: “Destiny. So we’re the hero till the end?” OLD MAN: “That’s the thing about endings, Steven. They can be rewritten.”

Lmao???????

Steve starts singing about how he hopes this means they "win" and calls himself a "tired hero."

STEVE: "But sometimes I wonder, who will save the savior? Can we really do this all day? So here I am, now and also then. Just a man, looking back at where he's been." OLD MAN: "The road is rough but wounds are healed by a thing called time. You can't forget what's waiting at the end of the line."

Me, watching this: the fact that he says this out of the blue makes absolutely no sense.

There's a bit more singing, including "end of the line" repetition, and then Old Man Steve pulls out the time stone to essentially show visions of... I don't fucking know. Past, present, and future?

That's pre-serum Steve, Steve with Mjolnir, and Sam Wilson as the new Cap. This is the only reference to Sam in the whole thing.

More singing, and then: Peggy's silhouette.

OLD MAN: "Can't forget who's waiting..." STEVE: "I can't forget who's waiting..." BOTH: "Don't forget who's waiting..." STEVE: "At the end of the line."

At this point I'm like, what in the hell?

Did Old Man Steve just brainwash normal Steve into thinking "end of the line" is now about Peggy? Because uhhhh, sorry, that's what it feels like!

Then Steve uses the stone to go back in time, reunites with Peggy, etc. etc. finale.

It's truly some crazy shit.

[drags hands down face]

Look... there's a lot to unpack here, and there's a lot that gets me about it. I know this is dramatized for the stage! I KNOW! But the fact that Old Man Steve shows up to convince Steve he should go back in time makes me want to gnaw on furniture.

Another person essentially uses the lure of a life with Peggy to tempt Steve into doing this, dramatized or not. That is how it's framed.

It's a hell of a way to frame it, and it makes Steve's ending stand in even starker contrast to so many other things in phase 4. Desperately trying to go backwards when you shouldn't or to bring back a lost lover is an evil temptation, and it results in a trap or negative cosmic consequences for basically all of the other characters in the MCU.

• In Shang-Chi, Wenwu is tempted by the Soul Eaters beyond the Dark Gate. They use the voice of his deceased wife to convince him to set them free. • In "What If" episode 4, Doctor Strange becomes evil in a desperate bid to save Christine and he destroys his universe. Along the way, he tries to tempt/trap the good Strange who's fighting him by using visions of Christine, but good Strange knows she isn't real. • Wanda's grief and desire to bring back Vision leads to – well, you know. • In No Way Home, Peter trying to undo things is what causes the multiverse problems.

And the fact that they frame it as Steve being tired, so basically the argument is he deserves that time travel ending (just like MCU fans who defend Endgame say in real life)... Well.

There's no way to make it hold up, especially because in "What If" they explicitly subverted that and had Captain Carter not go back in time despite how she felt she'd "earned" it.

Lastly, in this musical as Steve decides to pursue time travel as his course of action, he basically has the meaning or memory of "end of the line" rewritten for him. I refuse to not think that is some nefarious shit. Yes, it's not out of the realm of possibility that it's just some general Disney erasing Steve and Bucky nonsense.

But... this is on another level to me. I do think that it's a blatant choice that they had to be aware even general MCU fans would call bullshit on. Everyone knows it's inaccurate. "End of the line" is embedded in pop culture consciousness as being connected to Bucky. It just is! Surely that means it's not a stretch to theorize it could be deliberate meta commentary.

How, in the MCU world, would the in-universe playwrights even know the phrase "end of the line"? How the fuck would it be accidentally applied to Steve and Peggy? Not to sound like a crazy person, but who the fuck was rooting around in Steve and/or Bucky's personal business or their brains in order to obtain that knowledge and then remix it, and why? Neither of them would flippantly mention it in the public eye or interviews ever. So where did its inclusion come from?

And in the finale ensemble, this is Bucky's line when he comes out on stage and salutes + points to Steve: "Don't forget who's waiting..." And Old Man Steve completes it with "...at the end of the line."

What on God's green earth am I meant to do with THAT?

Smh.

The vibes are fucked, folks.

The MCU public wouldn't know enough to say the vibes are fucked. The MCU public wouldn't know the origin of "end of the line" as a phrase. But us? The ones who know the "true story" via the movies? We can call bullshit.

Whether the creative team behind this musical did every aspect of this consciously or not, in my opinion the fact that they had to tweak canon "history" to A) make Peggy's involvement in Steve's life more central and B) emphasize Steve as a tired hero all works as commentary on and almost a condemnation of Endgame's frustrating ending. In a way, it's also what Endgame did with the compass and 1973 moment with Peggy as well.

Steve's ending had to be convincing.

It's theater.

And so, maybe the same is true for the in-narrative perspective of this musical in the context of the MCU world. What purpose would it serve to tell the MCU public a feel-good narrative about how all Steve Rogers wanted was to no longer be a tragic man out of time and get to make a life with his best girl? To frame it as being about how he fought so hard for years and so he earned a happy ending? To minimize and nearly erase Bucky's importance in his life?

Who would want to do that sort of propaganda, and why?

The MCU civilians are given this happy explanation and maybe don't widely question it. Who cares about the details or logistics if it makes a good story, I guess. It's a stretch, but maybe they mostly applaud it. Maybe they're happy for "America's favorite son" (not unlike people who uncritically liked Endgame). In a way, it's even a rehabilitation of his image (after the Accords) like putting the shield on the Statue of Liberty. And maybe they'd even be ready and waiting to applaud if Steve ever made a dramatically selfless and de-aged return to the spotlight or a position of authority.

But mostly, the public is being conditioned to not know or to forget that anyone else like Bucky Barnes or Sam Wilson would possibly know Steve Rogers the person well enough in the modern day to call bullshit on any of this – or on his hypothetical miraculous future return.

So. Sure, it's probably nothing.

But what if it's not?

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UPDATE: @faeriecap added to this post with some incredible information and further behind-the-scenes context about the MCU/Marvel stuff at Disney parks! Check it out here :)

[purplesurveys]

1767

Have you had more hot or cold drinks today? More of cold. I will say though(!!!) I've recently...turned a shift towards hot coffee? Like this is not bad at all??? I've been having hot mugs all week long and it may very well grow to become a new habit of mine.

What's a name you like that's similar to yours? There aren't a lot of names that bear a similarity to Robyn per se, but in the sense that it's unisex I am generally a fan of such names – like Stevie, Frankie, Dylan, Billie/Billy...

Where did you get the last plate/bowl you ate with from? I don't know, these were the plates we've had from the day we moved in here. I'm guessing they were bought by my parents at some mall.

How's your mental health today? It is very stable and I can tell you it's because I don't have to think about work until Friday.

What bands and artists did you listen to when you were a teenager? Mainly Paramore, but there was a lot of punk rock in there as well. Rancid, H2O, The Bouncing Souls, Against Me!, The Misfits...I don't listen to them nearly as much anymore but I'll always have a soft spot for each of them and for that phase in my life.

Do your feelings get hurt easily? Yes, I'm quite sensitive.

What sort of restaurant did you last eat at? Well it was a Chili's, so. American and a bit of Mexican in there if I understood their concept correctly lol? Anyway, it was my first time eating there too and tbh I had had a high standard because of its price range, only to not be impressed. Why is it even so expensive there? They serve exactly the same stuff you'd find everywhere else.

Do you have a friend who's always sending you TikTok videos? Do you actually watch them? Kata used to send me TikTok videos until she stopped because I never was on the app, lol. Angela would still send me some occasionally, though.

Have you ever seen a cougar in the wild? Never.

Will you attend a wedding in the next 3 months? Unless I get an invitation from today, no.

Are you good at following instructions? They have to be written/printed out otherwise I'd forget instantly.

What's your backyard or outdoor area like? It's clean and plain, but we don't really do things there. We prefer to entertain guests in the living room or at the rooftop.

Do you like your boss? (or your last boss if you don't currently have one) Bea has always been a fantastic superior and mentor to me from the day I stepped in the workplace, which is why I'm gutted that she's leaving any day now. My personal work morale has been low ever since she announced the news and I still haven't figured out how I'm supposed to manage everything and everyone once she's actually out the door.

When was the last time you took a selfie? Does it count if it's a mirror selfie? I took a few ones at the salon earlier this afternoon when I was getting my hair dyed.

What did you have for breakfast yesterday? Fried rice with egg and ham bits.

What do you do to entertain yourself on a long flight or journey? I would download several YouTube videos in advance so I can watch them while offline.

Where are you right now? I'm at the rooftop but I literally am gonna pack up and go back to my room after this question because holy fuck does my back hurt.

Have you ever done a hearing test? Continued a whole day after. I don't think I have.

Do you hate small talk? Depends on how it goes. I'm pretty good with small talk but you can only do so much if the other person is too shy or is stingy with their responses. If I sense that they're not into conversing then I stop.

What's the hottest temperature your current town/city has ever had? There's no confirmed record for the hottest temperature in my city. I'm gonna guess somewhere between 40-45ºC though as summers can get brutal.

What programs/applications do you currently have open on the device you're using right now? I have Chrome, Spotify, and Notes.

How many steps per day do you do, generally? Hahahaha. I work from home and don't exercise so the average is less than 100 a day, embarrassingly enough. It's a different story when I get the chance to be outside because I do like to catch up on my steps; for days like those I would average anywhere between 8,000 to 10,000.

Have you had any snacks today? Yeah I had a couple bags of my favorite sweet corn chips. It's not as bad as it sounds – the bags are *really* tiny so that's why I had to have two of them lol.

Did you have any exchange students at your high school or university and did you become friends with them? We probably had batches of them come and go in college but I never did recognize them. My university has a huge population and it would've been impossible to know every single student.

What's the next thing you'll tick off your to-do list? It's a holiday tomorrow but I need to do a bit of work here and there just so I'm not completely stacked by Friday.

Have you ever had a chia pet? No.

What's your favourite sandwich filling? Pulled pork.

Do you have any nieces or nephews? Nopes.

What was the last reason you saw a doctor? Dog bite.

Do you use light mode or dark mode on your phone? It's been on dark mode for as long as I've had it.

[dadsbongos]

trashy dad

Movie/Game/Show: My Hero Academia Dynamic: Shota Aizawa/Reader (Platonic) Warnings: references (2) to un*s ann*s, one (1) use of (y/n), fem pronouns Summary: Shota trying to support his YouTuber daughter :) cuz social media aus own me Word Count: 2.1K ~~~

"Hey, gamers," you grin at the camera before tossing an arm over your father's shoulders, "My dad's in town and as you can see," you hesitated slightly before turning to face your father, "Dad's not super into taking care of himself. So, I figured what's better than doing a Q&A together while I do his makeup?"

"Hitoshi just did a 'what I eat in a day', didn't he?" Shota quirked a brow, already reaching back to tie up his messy, tangled hair.

"Spoilers!" you quietly whine as you open your phone, "He still has to edit it, silly man. We're gonna have to brush out your hair later, by the way."

Shota's eyes widened, "We? I thought this was your idea and video, (Y/n)."

"No," you huff, scrolling through a few of the questions from fans, "I mean it was but your hair is so… Okay, first question is from - oh my God the names - shrekslongtoe, what was my first word?"

"Are you gonna start putting makeup on me or just sit there?" Shota scratched at his nose before snickering, "That wasn't your first word. Your first word was 'Dada' and it drove Hizashi insane."

"Hizashi is my other dad, by the way," you lean over to grab your makeup bag, "'Toshi and I call him papa. Oooh, oh no," you looked up to Shota, "I don't have your shade, you're gonna look weird."

"I don't really care," the man shrugged, watching as you took out a pink beauty blender, "That looks like a buttplug."

"Don't say that!" your eyes were wide at his words while you got out your foundation, "Youtube doesn't like that."

"Whoops," he deadpanned, "Next question."

"Shit, right."

"Language."

"Japanese," you murmur, going to the next reply, "yoonbumskneecap asks, 'Did you believe in me-’ they said my name but you know, ‘and Hitoshi when they decided to become Youtubers?' And 'in 'Toshi's case - drop out of college to become a professional clout man.'"

"To be honest," Shota closed his eyes, only in slight fear, as you began pressing the foundation into his skin, "I was really worried about Hitoshi, I didn't know if he'd stay as big as he was because he's a lot like me, in the sense that people tend to not like us for our bluntness. So I was worried he'd be a meme for like a month and then people would drop him, but thankfully I was proved wrong," he opened his eyes when he felt you pull away and begin rooting through your bag once again, "With you, I was less worried because you're more like 'Zashi, i.e extremely likable, and you were kind of getting a boost from appearances on Hitoshi's channel. I still worry because the internet is a fickle mistress but I'm not staying up at night about it."

Pulling out a dark eyebrow pencil, you grin at your father, "Aww, that was kinda sweet. Not really but kind of."

"What I'm here for," Shota's eyes followed your hand as you uncapped the pencil and reached up, beginning to mark at his eyebrows, "I'm gonna read the next question while you kill my eyebrows."

"I'm not killing them!" you giggled, "But unlike Papa, you already have pretty thick, full eyebrows so I won't be here long."

"Good," he muttered before furrowing his brows in confusion, ignoring your frustrated groan, "who is daddysero and why is he asking if you pissed today?"

"What?!" you pull your dad's hand back to see what he was looking at, instantly calming down when you saw he was still on Twitter, "Oh, that's just Sero, he asks me that every time I tweet. I thought you went to my Instagram DMs," at Shota's questioning stare you grinned, "Mama's got simps in her DMs."

"Don't ever call yourself 'Mama' in my presence ever again," Shota shook his head, once again ignoring your annoyance, "papichulo46290 wants to know my favorite memory of you."

"If you mix me up with 'Toshi, I'll be so pissed," you return the eyebrow pencil to your bag as Shota speaks.

"I won't... probably," he shrugs while you root through your bag, "So, Hizashi had taken Hitoshi out for ice cream because of - has he mentioned his middle school trauma?" at your nod, he continues, "Hitoshi was having a bad day from middle school, shocking, so you and I were left home alone together. You were probably seven and you really wanted to paint my nails and I let you. You..." he shook his head, snickering, "you fucked them up. So bad. But you were so happy to just be spending time with me- "

"Keep talking, but I'm gonna do your eyeshadow," you lean back in, swishing your brush over a navy blue, almost black shade, "Just so you guys know, Dad wanted to look like shit, don't unsubscribe cuz this is gonna come out bad."

"It won't be too bad, you're talented," Shota did his best to remain still, "But overall, you were just so adorable and it didn't even matter that the smudged nails got me teased in the teacher's lounge the next day. It all came off after like a week because it was shitty polish but you get the idea."

"Aww, I didn't know you kept it on, that's so sweet," you fall back briefly to inspect your work, "It's not awful but I'm only posting this because you're my dad."

"Of course, I did," Shota continued scrolling through the questions, "A lot of people are asking if you mean Dad or Daddy, and a lot more people are asking for pictures of your feet, you should block them all."

"Yeah, I got sickos in my replies too, just gotta scroll past em'."

"Disgusting..." Shota grumbled as you moved to his other eye, "Is 'electrodick' Kaminari, perchance?"

"Unfortunately."

"Gross, he asks if you had an 'I'm not like other girls' phase," Shota hummed quietly in thought, "Maybe when you were eight for like a month, but that's probably because except for Nemuri you didn't have any women in your life. Thankfully you moved on from that pretty quickly."

"Oh yeah, that was a gross, weird time. You and Papa also weren’t shitty people so I didn’t have a lot of misogynist influence."

"I like to think we did a good job," Shota sighed, finally moving back into his slouching position when you pulled away completely, "Is 'explosionmurder' Bakugou?"

"You know it."

"Okay well, he's asking if you plan on fucking up your bronzing again?" he thinks for a moment, “Was that from when you looked kinda copper-ish in a video?

"Oh my God, that was one time, Bakugou!" you shout and shake your brush at the camera, "One time!"

"I don't even know what blending is so you're doing better than I am."

"God, how are we related?"

Without hesitation, Shota replied, "Surrogate. Which answers summerlongsock's question."

"Nice," you chuckle, setting the brush back in your bag, "You probably won't need too much bronze or countour since you're going for bad," you immediately turn to the camera, "And Bakugou isn't gonna say a fucking word about it!"

"Is eyeliner next? And if so, I would enjoy a nice wing," Shota muttered, looking through the remaining questions, "Hitoshi asks why I haven't done a video with him yet."

You nod along while uncapping the liner, "I'm curious about that too. I thought my first video with a parent would be with Papa. I was gonna say family but..." you shrug, "Hitoshi was my first video and then Eri came on."

"He never asked," Shota closed both of his eyes, allowing you to move his head around as you pleased, "You just texted me the video idea and we set it up while I was in town. If Hitoshi wants a video so bad he should come up with an idea."

"Jeez, don't bully the poor boy," you laughed quietly, carefully applying more eyeliner to your father's left lid, "We should all do a video together. I think it'd be fun."

"Come up with an idea," he replied flatly before opening his eyes, "davinky wants to know when you got into makeup. Probably after thirteen, sometime."

"Yeah, I got my first real eyeshadow at like fourteen and then you guys just enabled my love of makeup after that."

"Well, the thing with that was, Hizashi and I didn't want you growing up thinking you had to wear makeup for any reason," Shota opened his eyes once he felt you back away, blinking a few times, "So we waited till you were more mature because giving makeup to a six-year-old is weird."

Capping your eyeliner, you traded it out for mascara, "Yeah, even little play kits are a bit ehhh. Don't close your eyes, but look down."

Following instruction, Shota took the opportunity to read off another question, "I can't see the name but someone's asking what we did together for fun. While you were a kid."

Humming quietly in thought, you move from one eye to the other, "We used to go to diners a lot. Those late-night diner trips, remember?"

"Oh yeah, you were such a little demon about bedtime. I had to take you to this little place for scrambled eggs or some shit and you'd fall asleep on the way back home."

Putting away your mascara, you reach out for your hairbrush before beginning to pull out the hair tie in Shota's hair, "Mina wanted me to ask what videos you show people when they ask what your kids do for a living."

"For Hitoshi, the one where he and Kaminari made Bakugou breakfast with sex toys. For you, the one where you turn yourself into Mina's little character - with the pink skin," Shota winced slightly at the tug of your hairbrush, "And Eri's a teacher so that information comes first since it's the least strange."

As you fussed with his tangled nest of hair, you read another question over Shota's shoulder, "When did you know you loved me? Like after adopting me."

"Not too long after the adoption was finalized actually," Shota grumbled as the brush made its final courses through his hair, "You've always been a really great kid. I don't know when I 'realized' but it was definitely around the time you were born, maybe like the day after."

"That's pretty good considering I was a stranger," you giggled, brushing out the final knots in his dark hair, "A baby stranger."

"Hmm," Shota hummed in response, "You almost done?"

Refraining from rolling your eyes, you fluffed Shota's now smooth and detangled hair around his shoulders with a small smile, "I'm done. Your hair is so pretty when it's brushed out."

"I know," the man muttered, handing your phone back, "Wanna do one more question and then sign off?"

"Yeah," you scroll through some of the questions, "I want it to be the best question that's ever been asked."

"Ask your own, you're great at that."

You shook your head with furrowed brows at his comment, "Is that a compliment?"

"It was meant to be."

"Thanks, but no need, I've found one. Midoriya wants to know if raising two attention whores was hard. He didn't say ‘attention whores’ because he doesn't swear but that's the vibe."

"What's Midoriya's at?" Shota asked.

"SmallMight."

"Of course," the man grumbled, closing his eyes to think, "You two were honestly pretty easy to raise. Not a whole lot of fits compared to what I've heard other parents talk about. You both liked to talk a lot to each other, and, of course, to Hizashi and me. Not terribly difficult at all."

"Aww, I'm glad we didn't make you pull your hair out," you grin.

"Oh, you still did. Absolutely."

"Nice," you giggle before turning off your phone and facing the camera, "Okay guys, well, I hope you don't clown on me as much as usual because if you do, my dad will... I don't know… kick your ass."

"Exactly," Shota nodded, a horrific smile on his face, "I'll beam right into your living room."

"Hopefully you guys come back next week where I'll..." floundering for an answer, you turn to your dad as if he’d give you ideas, "Create wings to do it better than Icarus ever could."

Giving a singular stiff nod, Shota looked dead at the camera, "I'd watch it."

"You heard it from the main man himself, peeps," you waved to the camera, Shota copying the motion, “Bye!”

"If there's one comment about my eyebags, I'm never coming on your channel again," Shota lied as you leaned over to stop recording.

"They're gonna love you, I'm sure," you assure your father, "Wanna see how I edit?"

"God no, Hitoshi showed me how long it takes to edit his videos, it looks like hell."

[graphicabyss]

?人 NEWS

I wrote an enormous post, or rather an essay, concerning NEWS, Tegoshi, and everything that went through my mind in the past month. Honestly, it’s mostly my way of coping, getting it out of my system and sorting out my thoughts and feelings. But I decided to also post it here for those who might want to read.

It was a long time coming. The rumours were lurking around for years and a month ago they bloomed. And yet, the full realization is yet to dawn on me. When something devastating happens, our mind tends to shake off the pain by either exonerating the beloved person who hurt us, or blaming them and distancing away from them. It's really hard to stay objective. But I'll try.

Coming into this fandom, I prepared myself for disappointment. Once I was a TVXQ fan. You know, the 5-nin TVXQ that was going to be "together forever" and all that. So I wowed never to get that invested in a pop band. When NEWS came along, I tried not to get too attached. I knew it would hurt me, sooner of later. And for awhile, it worked. But, as years went by, I knew I lost the battle. We humans need to cling to something. Thus, nearly 7 years have passed.

To me, Tegoshi has always been a key component. He was the one that led me to NEWS. Or rather, how pretty he looked in a dress. Tegoshi always kept me interested. Sometimes he excited, sometimes he annoyed, but he was never ever boring. He was made of contradictions, both in words and in actions. Nothing ever adds up with him. He made me want to understand him but I could never quite grasp it. Thinking about it now, perhaps it was because he doesn't really understand himself either.

In these years, I had several crisis points where I considered leaving the fandom, all caused by something shitty Tegoshi said or did. But every time I bounced back. Of course, I didn't do it for him. I did it for myself. However, his selfishness has always been offset by his kindness. The last time was him crying at the end of Neverland tour and how sorry he looked. Till the end, I wanted to believe that his common sense and loyalty won't let him do something reckless and stupid. Yet, here we are. The interview he gave to Bunshun led me to believe that he would do the right thing. He said he would show his gratitude to JE and would definitely make his fans happy but now it's the furthest thing from the truth. The fandom is disappointed, confused, angry.

Some people say to get over it, that Tegoshi was meant to leave or some shit. But I think those people fundamentally misunderstand the heart of the problem. It's not that he left that infuriated the fandom. It's how and when he left. Most fans would support his decision to leave if the transition was done properly. He owed us that much. A proper apology. A proper gratitude. A proper farewell. The announcement had me in disbelief. I expected him to at least finish the contract, do the Story Tour, no matter how long it takes, and show the members, staff and the fans the respect they deserve. To cut it short feels like a violation. At the very least, we need a closure. The last goodbye. The last concert. The last something. He just left JE after 17 years like it was nothing.

More than anything, what he did seems so stupid. He had it so fucking good. He was always in the spotlight, both on stage and in TV shows. The other members did most of the offscreen work allowing him to shine. He was supported by endlessly patient members and staff. He had the freedom to choose and all the work he wanted for each of his passions - ItteQ, Soccer Earth, OpenRec. And he had fans that always supported him, no matter how many scandals he had.

What was so important that he had to give up on all the amazing benefits he had? To betray all this trust? And on top of it, at a time like this? When all world is going through so much shit? When the fans need moral support more than ever? What were the "dreams" that he talked about?

The ability to rant on Twitter? Making duckface selfies? Fucking around? Assembling a shitty rock band? Performing with strippers? Some kind of unique business opportunity? He talked for years about wanting to perform overseas or hosting fan events but right now these things are offlimit anyway. Why couldn't he at the very least explain his decision properly? Just that alone will definitely hurt his further career in the long run. The press-conference lasted 2 hours but it answered none of the questions that really mattered and there was no remorse. Though at this point, I can't trust anything he says anyway. He created his Twitter account the the evening it all went down and didn't bother explaining himself. He just jumped off the ship and let other people deal with the damage.

Even now, it all seems like some kind of bad dream. Then again, all of the 2020 does.

When I first saw "手越退社" trending on Twitter back in May I felt like I was spinning into a downward spiral, like all air was sucked out of me. And it wasn't the "oh, no! what will the band do?" I never went to a NEWS concert and never brought any merch. To me, it wasn't really the feelings of a fan whose band faces a crisis but rather that of an entrepreneur who invested too much money into one asset and watched it plummet.

Fandom stuff is a currency that can devalue in a blink of an eye. Its valuable as long as its core message is intact. This is why I can't stand people being petty over scans or videos. I share when I can knowing it will make someone happy because I know that tomorrow that someone might move on. When I stumble upon old closed journals with password-protected downloads they feel like ancient abandoned temples. The treasures in them turned to dust.

4nin NEWS were based on unity, the combination of 4 unique characters. Four components, each of them essential. Now that concept failed. It's like standing in front of a collapsed building. I try to assess the damage. How much of it can I salvage? Repurpose? How much is lost and needs to be cleaned up? Should I even bother?

What do I do with hundreds of live performances and TV shows, in HD, lovingly downloaded and stored?

What to make of thousands of scans, magazines, pamphlets, almost each image edited and sorted? Thousands more stored neatly in folders, waiting to be posted. Countless screens and gifs.

What of the member ai fanvideos that gained over 100k on Youtube bringing joy to so many people? I already got the first heartbroken comment saying "we won't ever see them like that again, will we?"

What to make of my unfinished stories? Honestly, it's one of the things I'm most proud in my entire life. Now their future is uncertain.

Do I take down the poster on my wall? The CDs on my shelf? Soon I will have to looks at my enormous stash and decide for each item. Things that once brought joy now cause pain.

NEWS weren't selling music, they were selling ideas and dreams. The cute band photos now cause hurt and anger. The uplifting songs about unity won't be convincing. All the concerts lost their charm.

Am I being too dramatic? Probably. Perhaps the issue itself may seem trivial to an outsider but our grief is real.

Tegoshi keeps saying he loves NEWS and adores the members. But to me, loving is doing everything you can to avoid hurting the ones you love. Perhaps he means it, but that love will never compare to the love he has for himself. Despite what he says, I doubt we'll even see them together again and I'm not even sure I want to. I knew apart from Koyashige, the members aren't really that close personally. Tegoshi is shallow and seeks popularity more than anything. I'm sure than now he'll hang out with even shadier characters than before. The members used to provide him with the much needed tough love. Now, with nothing and noone holding him back, he'll give in to his overblown ego.

I'm not sure how I feel about NEWS continuing as 3. I mean, I support their decision and that's probably what most fans want but to me, I don't know if it'll work out that well. They were already a band with a lot of luggage and now, just like in 2011, they are a band that induces pity. They would have to rearrange so much to try and fill this huge gaping hole. Not to mention they will struggle vocally. No songs, no choreography can be unaltered. It might be better to go on within the agency doing their own things. But then that would just mean Tegoshi was indispensable and all the work they put in will be wasted. The Story must be competed.

In the past week I went through various stages of grief. The anger was strong and so was disbelief. Now it's finally subsiding, giving way to acceptance. It won't come soon but I'll let all the emotions run their course. The fact is Tegoshi remains very entertaining and the temptation to keep following him and rant about him is strong. I probably wouldn't even fight it if he were to leave with at least a shred of dignity. But with the way things are, I refuse to support him in any way. And I will at least try to phase him out as much as I can as I realize that even my anger is playing into his hands as he wants nothing more than attention, good or bad. Instead, I'll try to focus on those who do deserve support.

I'm not yet sure how to proceed with the blog and everything else but I'll take my time and figure it out. The truth is Tegoshi was one of the two major things that have kept me here for so long. And no, the second reason is not Shige. It's the people. Out of all the fandoms I've been in over the years this one really felt like home. I met so many amazing people here, even though many of them have since moved on. I felt accepted and appreciated.

This week has been an emotional roller-coaster. But today I feel fine. I have a dozen reasons to be depressed. But I'm not miserable right now because of the fandom. I've had about 10 people write to me within several days. Some of them I haven't talked to in months, some I've never talked to before, and some from other fandoms. They reached out to share their thoughts and feelings, and I appreciate it so much. I felt less alone. I felt a sense of solidarity, a sisterhood. Many agreed with me and it was touching but even more touching were the people who didn't necessarily agree with me and still wanted to hear what I had to say.

Perhaps it's patronizing but I feel like right now the best I can do is stay connected and go through this together. If I can help others, through informing, making someone smile, or supporting emotionally, it's all worth it.

[osleyakomwonkru]

The Octavia Blake Guide to Surviving Lockdown (and What Comes Next)

So it’s been six weeks in isolation. I think? Time has long since become irrelevant. The world is stressed. I’m stressed. Not so much about the coronavirus itself, but everything else surrounding the situation. The isolation. The uncertainty. Society losing its shit. What the world will look like when it is all over, because everything will change whether we want it to or not.

You know, all that fun stuff our favourite characters on The 100 deal with each episode.

Which brings me to this post. What Would Octavia Blake Do?

I mean, she’s got the experience. Sixteen years of isolation in a single room, followed by a year of isolation in another room, then about six months on the ground, followed by six years locked under the ground... she knows better than anyone how to survive these sorts of trying times.

So here we have it - famous Octavia quotes and how to apply them to our current situation. Mostly serious, part irreverent, all of it a homage to the fact that stories matter and can help us figure out how to deal with this messy thing called life.

“A warrior doesn’t worry about what she can’t control.”

This is a mantra I repeat to myself many times a day. Sometimes I believe it. It’s hard. But it really is the only way to keep yourself sane these days. The world has turned upside down, but you can’t control it. You can only control yourself.

I can’t control that 75% of my income earning potential vanished overnight. I can control how I budget the remaining 25%, credit cards and looking into new income streams.

I can’t control that I’m stuck in a country I was supposed to leave this week for however long this continues to go on. I can try and learn to love it again, because we’re going to be spending more time together.

So what else can I do to keep myself healthy and sane? Let’s look at what Octavia does.

Train. One of the first things I started doing as soon as the lockdown started in mid-March was set up an exercise plan. Now, I don’t typically “exercise” in my normal life. I just walk everywhere I need to go and call that good enough. But now that I’m not really doing that, I have to find a way to do so indoors. I started out with three half-hour Zumba sessions per day, and now I’ve worked my way into more specific and targeted workout sessions. YouTube is a godsend. Every type of exercise you could think of, in any time length you want, you can find there. I’m doing abs, arms, more squats than I’ve ever done in my life, kickboxing, etc.

Read. See all those books on your shelves collecting dust? Yeah, read them now. I haven’t been following this advice as much as I should, but I’m making an effort to get better. I have so many unread books and I really should read them. If you’re one of those strange people who don’t have unread books, embrace the opportunities that sites like Project Gutenberg provide and read all the classics online for free. Octavia loves the classics.

Eat healthy. I hadn’t eaten at home for six months before this all started, so I had to refill my pantry and remember how to cook. Keeping your body healthy is important. Get your fruits and vegetables. Also ensure a protein source. Don’t go full on prepper, don’t hoard, but if shit hits the fan and you want to avoid the Dark Year happening in real life, make sure you have a few jars of peanut butter and/or a few packs of beef jerky stashed away for a rainy day. Your neighbours will thank you.

“Ge smak daun, gyon op nodotaim.” (Get knocked down, get back up)

At the beginning of this year, no one could have predicted what the state of the world is right now. People made plans. People started putting their plans into action.

Enter coronavirus.

Everything changes.

I actually had a plan for this year. I was going to leave here this week, go back to Canada for six months, then move to Spain. Well... I don’t know what’s going to happen now. And because of the uncertainty, I can’t know. This has made me so mad, because for the first time in years I had a strategy for the changes I wanted to make in my life, and now they’d all been shot to sunshine.

Some days you have to just scream. (Or cry and spend the day eating quesadillas in a blanket fort. True story.) But then after that happens, you have to brush yourself off, get up again and keep going.

Ge smak daun, gyon op nodotaim.

I’m not making any plans further than today. I know that’s an exercise in futility right now. All I can do is focus on what I can control (see above point) and continue to focus on that and what I can do for myself until there are things that I can do in the world again.

Moral of the story: Yes, there are going to be shitty days. You’ve probably already had a bunch of them. But you have to pick yourself up again and keep going when they’re over. You might feel like you want to give up. Heaven knows Octavia’s felt like that a lot of times. But she still kept going. If she stubbornly fought through a cliff dive with a stab wound and a quicksand pool of Orbeez, we can handle some uncertainty and delayed life plans.

“The sword doesn’t care what you meant, it just cuts.”

Time to step onto a soapbox for a bit.

Some world leaders and governments have done admirably with dealing with this crisis. Some have done okay. Some have done so fucking awful at their jobs and continue to spout nonsense from their podiums that it is going to cause real people to die. (Not naming any names, but I’m sure you know what I mean.)

Octavia is the only character on this show who understands that when you’re in a tough situation, what your intentions are doesn’t matter, it is only the results that do. This is applicable to our situation today in a twofold manner.

Point One: We can only control our own actions. That means being a responsible citizen, following public health guidelines. Stay home. If you have to go out, practice social distancing and any other recommendations set out by your public health authority. You might say you’re young and healthy, you’re not concerned about if you get the virus, but it is not about you. You could be asymptomatic and not know it. You might not mean to get someone else sick - someone who is more vulnerable - but it could still happen if you don’t behave responsibly. So take ownership of your actions and do what you can to minimize the spread.

Which brings us to Point Two: You can’t control other’s actions, but you can hold them accountable for them. Which in this situation mostly means your country’s leaders. Do not forget how they responded to this crisis. Remember. Remember when it is time to vote. Did they do a good job or did they do a bad job? How many people lived or died because of what they said? Did they follow the advice of medical experts? And so on. This isn’t a time for party politics, this is a time for “can we rely on this leader to do what’s right for the people of this country when we’re in a crisis?” If the answer is no, vote for somebody else.

The same applies to non-governmental leaders - leaders of business and charities and everything else that you can think of. Remember who stepped up and helped people when and how they needed it. Remember who didn’t. Remember who actively made lives worse. Budget your money accordingly.

“Kom folau oso na gyon op.” (From the ashes we will rise)

This will pass.

When, we don’t know. How, we don’t know. But all we can do is work on ourselves and make ourselves as strong as we can for whatever the future brings us. 

Some people are optimists, believing that this will usher in a new world where more people understand the challenges that others have always faced with things like mental health or physical disabilities and issues of accessibility and so on. Where more people will be aware of the dangers of climate change. Where people who are now coming together online and building hope and change will continue to do so in person when we can leave our homes and meet up with others again.

Some people are pessimists, believing the world will collapse and we’ll enter into a post-apocalyptic scenario like The 100 or any of the other dozens of post-apocalyptic media offerings out there. Where it’ll be every person for themselves and panic and destruction will reign supreme.

You don’t have to speculate on the different scenarios. That’s not helpful right now. All you can do is work on yourself and make yourself ready for whatever the future will throw at us, and do your part in making a positive one.

This could be the point of lockdown where you’re starting to move out of the panic phase of ensuring survival, and are able to move into higher-level brain function again. If you’re not, that’s okay, it could still take some time. If you’re struggling, don’t be afraid to ask for help. There are people out there who can help. Just remember that this is a process, a process of so many different emotions, sometimes on a loop, sometimes all at once in a flurry of chaos, and that’s okay.

Take care of yourself. Survive. Find a new normal.

Octavia’s journey in season six was about shedding the pain and trauma of her old life, and finding a new one to believe in. Until she did that, she didn’t have to worry about the greater plot nonsense that was going on. That’s our journey now too. The world is changing. How, we don’t know yet. But take this time to make yourself strong for whatever is to come, because whichever scenario wins out, a strong you will always be beneficial.

Ste yuj. (Stay strong.) Because humanity is resilient. And from the ashes, we will rise.

[grimelords]

My November playlist is finished and I've done something slightly different by actually ordering the songs into a cohesive playlist rather than leaving them in the order I added them. Listen in for everyone's favourite genre, acoustic guitar instrumentals, followed by old fashioned cowboy country, comedy and ridiculous songs, 80s and modern dance, out-there piano instrumentals, rocks and rolls, oddball rap, christian rock buried where nobody will find it, noise rock of all flavours and Mirror Reaper in full. I guarantee there'll be at least something in four hours of music that you'll like. listen here!

Deixa - Toquinho: I love how much happens in this song even before it even kicks off at about a minute in. It cycles through so many different feelings before it really powers up and the drums come on. The rhythm from then on is just mesmerizing, it's just so busy and never dwells on any section for too long, the interplay between the melody, bassline and chord rhythm is amazing. And then at about 2:20 it powers up again! Bossa Nova Strong. Also I'm feeling very disrespected because I just did some research on this song only to find out it was sampled by Nujabes on one of his bad anime youtube hip hop songs.

Just A Closer Walk With Thee - Marisa Anderson: Traditional And Public Domain Songs is Marisa Anderson's weakest album, which is a shame because I love Traditional and Public Domain songs. Her playing is on point as always, but the tremolo and distortion she's using overwhelms the recording more often than not. This song is the best on the album purely because she's playing so quietly that it only shows up when she gets loud so it works perfectly near the end as it crescendos.

The Three Deaths Of Red Spectre - Gwenifer Raymond: Gwenifer Raymond has a new 'non-holiday specific single for a cold climate' in her words and I absolutely love it. The sheer velocity of the middle section is flooring, before it breaks apart totally and reforms into a sort of shanty before metamorphosing again into a heightening mania. I love the constantly shifting structure of this, it barely stops to give you room to breathe all the way through before the very end where it almost feels like it's going to collapse entirely.

Mister Sandman - Chet Atkins: Happy to report that I've had Mr Sandman stuck in my head for three weeks now and still don't really know the words because of tumblr posts. It alternates between 'mr email / e me a mail / make the attachment a pic of a snail' and 'mr sandman / sand me a man / make him the cutest man car door hook hand'.

Do I Ever Cross Your Mind - Chet Atkins & Dolly Parton: I've never gone much on Chet Atkins but my girlfriend showed my this song and it has completely reversed my opinion and it's mostly due to Dolly Parton. She is just so lovely on this it makes me tear up - the song itself is so nice and the playing is perfect but her personality just shines through so brightly it's an absolute delight.

There's A Man Going Around Taking Names - Lead Belly: I've been doing research to try to find out what this song is referring to, or its origin but I cannot find anything concrete. A few people are saying it inspired Johnny Cash for The Man Comes Around, which is plausible and adds a mystic bent to it. It seems incomplete, like it's missing the turn at the end that reveals who exactly he is or what's happening so the whole song just ends up feeling very mysterious and ominous.

When Mussolini Laid His Pistol Down - Merle Travis: This song is from 1943, which is sort of amazing because that means it's not a song about history particularly but rather current events. A great paragraph from wikipedia: "On 24 June Mussolini gave his last important speech as prime minister. It went down in history as the "boot topping" speech, with the Duce promising that the only part of Italy that the Anglo-Americans would be able to occupy (but forever and horizontally, i.e. as corpses) was the shore-line (for which he used a wrong word to define it). For many Italians, that confused and incoherent speech was the final proof that something was wrong with Mussolini." Mussolini, truly history's greatest moron.

The Master's Call - Marty Robbins: As a result of Red Dead 2 and my own natural instincts, I've been having a bigger than usual moment with cowboy music this month which of course includes Marty Robbins' Gunfighter Ballads And Trail Songs. In my mind this song is both the true ending and end credits music of Red Dead 2. Arthur sees the face of Christ in a lightning bolt and abandons his life of crime and sin, pleading with the lord to forgive him and then God kills a hundred cows with another lightning bolt just to make damn sure Arthur knows He's serious.

Saga Of The Ponderosa - Lorne Green: I was hanging out with my old housemate a few weeks ago and it turns out we were both having concurrent Marty Robbins cowboy music phases which was great news because then he turned me onto this album by Lorne Green who was on Bonanza and apparently took it upon himself to expand the Bonanaza Cinematic Universe in the 60s with a few albums. This song is apparently an origin story of Bonanza which I have never seen. It's extremely good, very powerful music. Great story of this godlike man striding across the country and overriding his wife's decision by naming his son HOSS.

Hard Sun - Eddie Vedder: I think it's interesting in A Star Is Born that Jackson Maine doesn't seem to be a real life equivalent of any actual musician. He's not obviously an archetype of any real person and so it's hard to place how exactly famous he is in the world of the movie. He's washed up enough to be playing pharmaceutical conferences but still has enough industry respect to be playing a tribute at the Grammys. The closest I could think of was Eddie Vedder oddly enough, and this song from the Into The Wild soundtrack really does sound like a Jackson Maine original.

For Chan - Tim Heideker: I'm having a real thing with comedy music recently and I can't tell if it means I've got a brain parasite or comedy music is good to me now. I think what I like about this song is the bluntness. There's no two ways about these people, and after years of hearing about the alt right as mysterious political genius computer brains it's a nice break to just hear them called greasy fat basement guys like we used to.

That's Right I'm Five - Don't Stop Or We'll Die: More good comedy music! They played this song on Comedy Bang Bang without announcing what it was called first, so the chorus really surprised me and made me laugh a lot. "They're selling the stocks so buy them, launch the torpedoes, tell my wife I love her, and send my son to college, bury me in the desert in my osh kosh b'gosh - that's right I'm five!" might be my favourite lyric of the year.

Future Brain - Den Harrow: Den Harrow is very good. He's like a beautiful moron American man that some italian scientists built in a lab in order to conquer America from the inside. Here are some good highlights from his wiki article: "The name Den Harrow was conceived by producers Roberto Turatti and Miki Chieregato, who based it on the Italian word denaro(money)." "After years of fame and popularity, it was revealed by frontman Stefano Zandri and his producers that Zandri did not actually sing the Den Harrow songs; he was essentially a character who lip-synched to vocals recorded by a number of other singers. Furthermore, since they did not consider Zandri's name and origin to be "trendy" enough, the producers R. Turatti and M. Chieregato concealed Zandri's Italian origin, marketing him as having been born Manuel Stefano Carry in Boston. This was done so Polydor Records could market him more easily in the English-speaking world, where Italian-produced music was, at the time, viewed with skepticism"

Love A Girl Right - Little Mix: Check out this rewrite of the Thong Song they did for the new Little Mix album. It's beyond belief. My girlfriend loves Little Mix and she's right to because they're the only girl/boy band that actually takes advantage of the form and does harmonies instead of just having them all sing in turn or all at once. They've got good vocal arrangements but they have the worst fucking songwriters working for them. Songwriters that pitch 'what if the Thong Song had a crunchy nu-metal guitar in it'.

This City Made Us - The Protomen: It's interesting to hear a band change styles - most other Protomen songs are a sort of Springsteen pastiche but this one from their newer single is more like Iron Maiden or Thin Lizzy. Approaching the 80s from a different angle. It's impressive to switch so radically and still have enough of a unifying sound that it feels like the same band. 80s throwback rock is a generally pallid genre populated by freaks who can't move on but Protomen put so much heart into it it's hard to write them off.

Teardrops - Womack & Womack: I love this song because it has two choruses. The drums stay the same throughout, the chords stay the same through the verse and chorus and only change for the second chorus/bridge part ("the music don't feel like it did when I felt it with you"), which just gives the whole song this feeling of beautiful endlessness. It goes and goes and goes and you're always already living in the best part of the song.

Boys Will Be Boys - The Duncan Sisters: Very very good piece of disco with a very nice piece of country picking guitar near the start for some reason. I quit like that the chorus of 'boys, oh boys, will be boys - they can really hurt you!' goes from a lighthearted thing about relationships until the bridge near the end where it sounds more like a dire warning. She's staring straight into your eyes and saying 'they can hurt you. boys can hurt you. they can really hurt you.' while motioning toward the exit with her eyes. 

Ayaya - Bicep: I've been trying to train my ear a bit better so I got a piano app on my phone and I just try to pick out the melodies of songs now when I'm bored. It turns out this is a very satisfying song to play. The melody is very simple, but the constant build and the couple of other melodies that come in around it make you feel like a super genius for just playing the same thing over and over.

The Call - David Mayer: I completely forget how I came across this song but I'm in love with the vocals on it. The effect reminds me of the one on Problem With The Sun by Nicolas Jaar, sort of pitched down and layered over itself. Outside of the vocals it's a pretty straightforward euro house chunk but damn sometimes a song just has a really good sound in it that you can't deny.

Problem With The Sun - Nicolas Jaar: My girlfriend's brother was telling me he was riding his bike the other day and had some kind of mental break where he was riding north in the afternoon but the sun was on his right, in the east - and for some reason his first instinct wasn't that he was wrong or disoriented, it was that there was a problem with the sun and it was in the wrong place. That boy ain't right but this song is good. I love that Nicolas Jaar uses this weird down pitched voice on a few songs and I really wish he'd bring it back, it sounds great and also funny to me.

Ensaslayi - Cecil Taylor: I don't have the brain power to comprehend any of Cecil Taylor's ensemble work that I've heard, free jazz in a band setting is simply too much for me it turns out -but I've really been getting a lot out of this solo album of his called Fly! Fly! Fly! Fly! Fly!. This song in particular is one of the longer ones on the album, where another is only 53 seconds long and a few last around ten minutes. This is a nice midpoint, where he gives himself so much room to get lost in different directions without losing the thread entirely. I said it last time I was talking about him but I've really never heard anyone play piano like this and I absolutely love it. A lot of reviewers describe it as him playing the piano like it's a drumkit, which I think is accurate to a degree - but I think looking back from here this music makes a lot more sense within the context of black midi and things like that. The extreme edges of what a piano can theoretically do, but with a decisive and beautiful human edge and human brain that's responsible for and making sense of the chaos.

The Homeless Wanderer - Emahoy Tsegué-Maryam Guèbrou: I found out about this album cause Benjamin Booker was posting about her on his instagram story and it's just incredible. The TL;DR of her story is she's an Ethiopian nun that studied music in Switzerland and Cairo and wrote this beautiful piano music based on traditional Ethiopian pentatonic music. I love the rhythm of it, every note in the right hand get swirled around and around before it's settled on while the left hand moves so smoothly and delicately. Unfortunately-ish she's obviously in that genre of Searching For Sugarman secret blog music evidenced by her spotify similar artists being Karen Dalton, Alice Coltrane and Connie Converse. That's not a bad thing exactly, at least people are hearing about her, but her music is unique and amazing enough on its own without needing much mythologizing.

Carnival Of The Animals: No 12 - Fossils - Camille Saint-Saëns: My girlfriend was showing me Saint-Saëns' The Swan and then we were going through the whole rest of the Carnival Of The Animals and I'm happy to report that he not only did he do one for fossils but also centered it around the idea of a bone xylophone. I'm going to write an article for Vulture tracing the origin of the cartoon bone xylophone and my thesis is it starts here.

Perth - Bon Iver: Just thinking about how good Bon Iver is. I love how massive this song can feel, the drums combined with the big brass. It's small and soft on the grand scale, but on an album that gets as quiet and soft as songs like Holocene this song blows up like an atom bomb.

Yet Again - Grizzly Bear: This really is one of the best songs of all time I've decided. It feels like I get into a thing of listening to it on repeat almost every month now. I don't know what it is exactly - I guess it's every part of it. The lyrics are impenetrable (check) the riff is simple and powerful (check) the drums are doing a lot and keeping it simple at the same time. The the way the harmony vocals all intertwine in the prechorus part is amazing. The way the whole song blows up into a big radio static solo at the end. Every part of this song is great, I just love it.

Fuckin N' Rollin - Phantastic Ferniture: I found out that Julia Jacklin has a side project with a very shit name and they make very good music. I love when people have a whole other band for another side of their self. This is just Julia Jacklin if the lyrics were just first draft whatevers instead of incredibly poignant and beautiful and the music was just rockin and rollin with your friends. It's great!

Soft - Kings Of Leon: Number one best song ever about havin a bad dick!! I'd love to hang out lady but my dick! I'm passed out in your garden, I'm in I can't get off I'm so soft! I'd pop myself in you body, I'd come into your party but I'm soft!

Soft Serve - Soul Coughing: I played this while I was driving with my girlfriend and she said 'what the fuck is this' and she's right, as usual. It's Soul Coughing baby! The 90s 'slacker jazz' band! They sound dated as fuck, a real product of their time but I think they've still got a lot to offer. I had the chorus of this stuck in my head for a couple days which made me listen to this album more than usual when I mostly prefer their first one Ruby Vroom. Irresistible Bliss might have the worst album cover of all time though, so it's got that going for it. Google it.

Ya Mama - Wuf Ticket: There wiki article for this band says they had two songs in 1982 and that was it. Then it has a section titled Greaseman and then the article ends. Here's the Greaseman section in its entirety: "Wuf Ticket's “Ya Mama” achieved its greatest notoriety, and airplay, as a music bed for bits by shock jock The Greaseman on WWDC-FM in Washington, D.C. and later his nationally syndicated radio show where Greaseman would argue with a surly service industry worker." Anyway this is more of that very good early hip hop shit where everyone assumed songs should go for 8 minutes. It's just extremely weak sauce Ya Mama jokes for a very long time before they change tack completely and start talking about how Every Woman Is An Angel And Without Mothers We Would Never Have Been Born So Think About That Next Time.

Gon Be Okay - Lil B: I had the part of this song where he sings 'things are never gonna be the same again' along with the piano in my head the other day and spent fully an hour googling to try to find what song it was from before giving up. I woke up the next morning and suddenly remembered it was this song but was very shocked to find out that he actually never sings that line along with the piano melody, he says it once at the start and that's it. What's going on with my brain. Anyway in my searching I found out that the piano is sampled from the Spirited Away soundtrack so once more in my life I've been led to ruin by anime.

2 Minute Drills - Allblack & Kenny Beats: This whole EP is great. More sports themed rap please. Allblack is ferocious and Kenny's production throughout is great, the perfect mix of simple straighforward beats that still have a lot of space and energy in them, plus 'Woah Kenny!' has my award for Best New Producer Watermark.

Don't Gas Me - Dizzee Rascal: I don't know how he keeps doing it but somehow Dizzee Rascal continues to make extremely fun bangers without ever slowing down. The best line in this is when he says "no I don't drink Appletiser" (the sparkling apple juice) which is an extremely weird flex if there ever was one.

Acid King - Malibu Ken: It feels insane that a Tobacco and Aesop Rock collab sounds as good as this. I love that there's no drums the entire time he's rapping and I completely love the Mort Garson vibes in the instrumental which turns out to be a perfect soundtrack to the Ricky Kasso satan worship LSD murder story that Aesop's telling. Also in reading about Kasso I just discovered the very good stoner doom band also named Acid King, so expect to see them in next month's list.

Pirate Blues - As Cities Burn: As Cities Burn have reformed and put out a new single so I've been thinking about them a bit. On paper they don't sound good, over three albums they morphed from a christian metalcore band to a christian alt-rock band, and while they never reinvented the wheel I think they're a remarkable band who took a lot of risks in their own way and made a lot of rock solid music. They've got a lot of great songs but I think this is my favourite from their third album when it finally felt like they'd settled into a steady alt rock sound informed by their much heavier past.

This Is It, This Is It - As Cities Burn: The thing I like about As Cities Burn is that as much as they're a christian band (yuck) they're more of a band of guys who are christians (slightly less yuck) and the difference is huge. Rather than evangelising or preaching, their songs are about their own personal struggles with their faith (still slightly yuck). I like this song especially because the lyric feels close to gospel, 'we're all singing for our sins, unless grace be the wind' but with the added twist of being furious that you're trapped by the sin of your physical body.

Timothy - As Cities Burn: I think this song is just incredible. The lyrics are so strong and direct and heartbreaking, the vocal performance especially is amazing and it may be the only time in history that a 6 minute guitar solo has seemed good and necessary.

Face Tat - Zach Hill: There's an incredible video of the recording of this song https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hGi9SOFX5rc that really looks exactly how it sounds and has a very similar energy to that video of 80 guys singing the halo theme in the boys bathroom. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wRG9KwvbVhk . This is what it sounds like when the boys are left alone. The biggest draw to Zach Hill's drumming is the intense primordial immediacy of it. He is just pounding away like a possessed animal and it's really on show here, especially combined with the occasional punctuating shout. Carson McWhirter's guitar is incredible too, the tone he's got where it sounds like three at once playing these incredible twisting riffs that turn on a dime. I think what I like most about this song is just how in sync they are - for such a chaotic, noisy song it sounds so rehearsed, somehow every single note is perfectly in time in the storm.

Betty's Worry Or The Slab - Hunters And Collectors: This is maybe the sweatiest song I've ever heard. It's a disgusting song about being incredibly sweaty and horny and I love the weird squeaky noise he makes after he says 'say it! say it!'. The bass sound in this is so fantastically meaty too, and combined with the brass at the end it's just great.

Worms Of The Senses / Faculties Of The Skull (live) - Refused: I cannot believe just how absolutely ferocious live Refused is. Insanely powerful without ever missing a beat in a song like this that requires incredible timing throughout. For some reason I've always thought Refused were an only ok live band after watching Refused Are Fucking Dead because all I remember of it is a clip where the guitarist accidentally hits the singer in the face with his headstock and they have to stop the show.

Mirror Reaper - Bell Witch: I got to see Bell Witch live a couple of weeks ago and it's one of the best shows I've ever seen. I can't really describe it other than it feels like the closest thing to a legitimate summoning ritual that I've ever seen. An invocation and an expelling of raw power and emotion between two people, it was really something. Also the best part was about two minutes in when they were really setting the scene with the sort of ambient beginning of Mirror Reaper and the whole crowd was dead silent and entranced as they built this mystic atmosphere and set the vibe a guy behind me said loudly to his friend 'hm pretty good so far!'

What's You Gonna Do When The World's On Fire - Lead Belly & Anne Graham: This is in my opinion the best genre of gospel song where they they just roast you for not being saved yet.​ 

listen here

[sorikkung]

You did an intro to got7 a while ago could you maybe do one for A.C.E.??? They seem like a good group but I'm clueless atm so it would be v helpful!!!

lololol i did an intro to mark from got7 but not got7 as a whole, but yes ofc i will i love my talented bois and i love rambling about them heRE WE G O

an introduction to a.c.e, for dummies (jk ily choice is a great fandom pls join us)

also this is gonna get rlly long so im gonna put it under a cut

A.C.E is a 5-member boygroup under beat interactive!! which is a p small company atm so my boys dont exactly have the high quality living and practice areas and food that they deserve :(( THEYLL GET THERE THO IM SURE OF IT THEYRE LEGENDS

here’s their youtube channel with aaaaall sorts of goodies

i started stanning a.c.e predebut, bc they had a lot of content for a group that hadn’t debuted yet, and it was enough to snatch my attention real quick so you should check that shit out, they did a shitton of AMAZING covers and to get their name out there more, street buskings its a lot but i swear its worth your time theyre so talented!!

also they have matching tracksuits what more could you ask for tbh (as you can see from that vid, they’re literally so fucking extra)

a few of my favs are

this rlly long busking video w girl group songs and just a bit of everything tbh,

THIS amazing remix/cover of kard’s don’t recall by the rap line + this one cute girl,

only THE most iconic playing w fire cover, band version, (I WILL NEVER STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THAT VIDEO HONESTLY I COULD MAKE A POST ON THAT COVER ALONE ISTG) 

their flashlight cover that is enough to make a grown man cry omfuckigngOD it makes me feel things hjskskkh

that ONE TAKE dance cover they did of 3 of taeyangs songs, all focusing on a different member of the dance line

im gonna stop here before i link every damn cover they made

okay so now that thats covered (bad-um-tss) time for…DEBUT

THIs beauty right here is their debut song cactus, which has this really deep meaning to it. bc they came from a small company so they have to work extra hard to even be able to debut let alone be successful and they’re like a cactus bc cacti grow in the desert where there’s very little water but they still manage to stand strong even through the hardest of weather an environment conditions and eventually sprout beautiful flowers,, buuuuuut its also a meme for obvious reasons.

tbh debut era choice culture was just listening to cactus on repeat for days bc it was their only song at the time skjslaas not much has changed tbh LMAO but yes theyre a very edm loving group so their DANCE SKILLS ARE ON POINT SERIOUSLY IVE SEEN FEW GROUPS AS AMAZING AT DANCING AS ACE WOWOW

oh yeah did i mention that their fandom name is choice and that choice are literally the softest fandom my multifandom ass has e v e r been in?? theres literally no cringy or toxic side of the fandom its just so soft and welcoming and pure and everyone is so nice and sweet and friendly and just??? wow i love choice a lot hjkskjsshkhk choice are also SUPER talented too stan talent stan choice

speaking of cringe ace is that group that just like skipped the entire “rlly cringy boygroup debut phase” completely like no weird debut haircuts or outfits or weird lyrics about girls, well actually thats all kinda objective but like they made those outfits work ok and im a cactus isnt that weird of a lyric if you know the deep meaning behind it

aS yOu CaN sEe, cactus era was the era of the tHIGHS and the hot pants. it was literally so iconic it blew up and with great reason too, have you seen those thighs?? AND THEY KNOW IT TOO they even mentioned they chose the hot pants as their style concept and took better care of their legs than their faces. true kings. heres a video of a.c.e talking about the whole hot pants thing and just their legs in general its some quality shit. and heres a video where they decide to show off just how great their thighs are bc they like to kill choices like that, this video is important and iconic bc its where the wowson ship began and also when they declared who the king of thighs were amongst the kings of thighs. definitely a necessary watch for new choice imo. donghun lowkey grinds on the floor at 4:04, you’ve been warned. honestly that video just gets progressively gayer lmao i love it

also for us international choice they made an ENGLISH cover of cactus CAN YOU BELIEVE IT I LOVE THEM SM they didnt have to but they did and oml stan a group who stans you back this hard their english aint that great but theyre trying and i appreciate it so much theyre so amazing look

five months later they dropped their second single, callin’, and b o y was this a stressful comeback, beat had us FOOLEd,, i genuinely thought it was gonna be a flowerboy soft concept yknow with like some sweet lowkey ballad or soft pop song, but nOOooOOOooo, MORE HARDSTYLE EDM not that im complaining callin is a bop but i was TRICKED

LOOK AT THIS SHIT ITS ALL AESTHETIC AND THE CLIP OF THE SONG WAS ALL SOFT I WAS REALLY EXPECTING SMTH SOFT im sorry im still salty that beat tricked me but ITS FINE bc callin is a HELLA BOP like i honestly didnt expect them to top cactus so quickly bc like cactus was hella but they DID and its amazing and heres the link be blessed (warning, these gifs above make it look like a soft vid but there are LOTS of flashing colours and lights and its really intense on the eyes if youre not comfortable with that dont watch, just listen)

they also supplied multiple dance pracs you can find on their channel for callin bc ace feeds us well, although callin had a reaaaally short promotion period bc right after they got thrown onto survival shows for more publicity, but hey, its working!! choice is growing bigger every day and im so proud

donghun, wow and jason all went on yg’s show mixnine, and jun and chan went on the idol rebooting show, the unit. both teams are doing EXTREMELY well on their respective shows!! but ill talk more about that in their individual member profiles bc they havent been put on the same team for anything yet rip

edit: mixnine finished and donghun and jason made the cut for the final group, sehyoon didn’t :(( so dongson will be promoting with the mixnine group for a lil bit!! also chan made it to the unit debut group but jun didnt. im hoping for a sehyjun subunit pls

that was long af but now im gonna dive into the members individually!! so its probs gonna get twice as long sorrynotsorry i warned you

Jun (Park Junhee)

jun is the so-called fiery leader of ace (also lead dancer and lead vocal) but is honestly just a giant dork and a sweetheart. hes the type of guy who you scream at for being dumb and call him an idiot but thats your weird way of expressing your undying love for him?? ask literally any jun stan, they’ll say they hate him. hate him for being so PERFECT like a fucking DISNEY PRINCE he’s the designated prince of the group you know theres always that one member and hes just so LOVEABLE and stupid and skjdakhkjs he fuckign dropped his cake on his birthday when do your faves ever. dad of the group, probably lost the maknaes in the shopping mall about 3 times already. talks a lot, hates aegyo, his members might be planning on sacrificing him to satan? he does on idol class with chan every…i think its wednesday and fans vote who gets punishments n stuff and jun loses every damn time i think hes losing his faith in choice lmao. #saveleaderjun

he’s kinda married to donghun, they’re the parents of ace but donghun might try murder him in his sleep idk man, but now hes on the unit with chan and theyre all cute and you can literally ship everyone with everyone in this group

he has HELLA charisma on stage tho oh my gOd also he has one of the most unique singing voices ive ever heard so its really easy to single out, his face also is the first i learned to tell apart?? he has rlly high cheekbones and a wide but thin smile.

this is actually an ot5 video not just jun but jun’s reaction was by far the most iconic so i have to put it in his section, get you a fave who can FLY lmaooo

it would be CRIMINAL if i didnt solo out jun’s ringa linga cover, thE MOST ICONIC JUN COVER EVER HJFKDSJKFDSJK if i ever stop talking about this assume im dead bc IVE NEVER GOTTEN OVER IT jun in a leather jacket looking all rude and staring at the camera like that im WEAK, SO WEAK, AAAAAAAAHHHH

[ahem] MOVING ON

Donghun (Lee Donghun)

donghun, sometimes romanised as donghoon and often referred to by choice as hun or hoon, is the oldest member of the group and another total sweetheart, honestly ace is just a group of sweethearts, he cares for his members so damn much and is super soft?? but ALSO A s Av Age he’s on mixnine with sehyoon and jason and he SHOT DOWN YG, once again I C O N I C, yg was at a loss for words, heres more receipts of him being savage, i love my sassy boyfriend. BUT HES ALSO A SWEET NOODLE HJKSHJKS oH and did you know that before he joined a.c.e he had no experience in dancing whatsoever and in a year and a half, he caught up with the other four members that have been dancing since they were kids?? I STAN TALENT YALL you’d literally never be able to guess that bc all of them are like on an equal dance level its insane

also he used to have braces during cactus era and it was the softest shit

[cOUGHS] so like did someone say disrespect,,, bc he can do that too,,,,, aAAAAAAAH the duality of this man istg

he’s the main vocalist and has vO C AL S OF AN A N GEL, he has so much soul and emotion in his voice, and has adlibs for days oh my god, he also has the MOST BEAUTIFUL FALSETTO i’ve ever heard, fight me, actually come at me. his voice works REALLY well with chan so they pair him up with him for quite a handful of covers like the all of me one i linked (one of my favs omfg it makes me emo) cause like, his soulful voice plus chan’s higher, sweet voice just sounds so great together i love our main vocals wow.

sPEAKING OF WOW,

Wow (Kim Sehyoon)

his stage name is wow, but its hard to take seriously so the fandom just calls him sehyoon lmfao. it used to be seyoon but when he went on mixnine, he revealed sehyoon was the official romanization so here we are lmao. even if your bias isn’t sehyoon…it’s sehyoon. he’s just that guy ya feel me?? anyways sehyoon is a relatively quiet and reserved guy, but his members really pull out the dork in him, i love it so much?? he doesn’t talk much but when he does all of a.c.e directs their full attention to him to listen, its really sweet, hes pretty awkward with people but you can tell he just feels so safe and comfortable with ace it honestly warms my heart. he’s the main rapper and main dancer, but!! our multitalented man is also a vocalist. yes, you heard, me, the main rapper can sing, and really well at that. (if you scroll up back to the flashlight and dont recall covers, you can see more of his voice.)

gets the least lines, but not by much. although hearing his singing voice in their actual songs has happened like with 2 lines?? so idk man im just waiting for their ballad song that theyre apparently doing for their third song, god im so ready. i love his voice a lot, damn.

he’s also like reeeeeeeeeally gay for jason…the entire fandom ships it and they even ship it themselves. wowson, the otp of ace, they honestly just cant keep their hands off eachother??? i know a friend who struggled to tell apart jun and jason so she just looked at who sehyoon was standing next to and instantly knew it was jason. THEYRE SO CLINGY. i love my squishy boyfriends. 

OHHH BOY…i really could’ve used an even more disrespectful gif than this but that would ruin the surprise of watching it in the actual video!! as you can see, sehyoon is the K I N G of disrespect on stage, that shy lil fluffle bean you see offstage?? GONE. DISAPPEARED. VANISHED. this is why his stage name is wow, sehyoon disappears and you just go wow. choice has dubbed him king of bodyrolls with great reason, he makes every concept into a sexy concept, he just has that intimidatingly sexy aura to him, its incredible. 

now…are you ready….i bet youre not…who am i kidding NOBODY was ready for this shit. on mixnine, sehyoon was picked as leader for one of their stages (i think he was leader for ringa linga too??) and got to choreograph the routine. if you think its already rude 10 seconds in, its all over for you bitches when the lighting goes yellow. i feel the need to repeat, our boy CHOREOGRAPHED THIS. IT WAS ALL HIS IDEA. EVERY. SINGLE. PART. this is the same kid who everyone on the show knew as the shy, quiet, handsome boy. but then. 

but then he did this.

Jason (Kim Byeongkwan)

jason is his stage name that he chose for himself but his real name is byeongkwan, its another case of an idol having a stage name and nobody calling them by it?? i mean most new choice call him jason and i personally switch between the two but most choice seem to call him byeongkwan or bk if theyre extra lazy lmao. memers call him byonk sometimes.

jason is the weird child of the group and we all love him…he’s the second lil ball of sunshine and part ½ of the maknae line. he’s often found clinging to sehyoon or literally any of the members bc he’s an affectionate son who loves cuddles okay?? p r o t e c t   h i m.

he’s also the lead everything. yeah thats really not fair but jason is op ok?? singing, rapping, dancing, visual, like sehyoon he’s the full package, i can hardly call them the rap line they’re just the op line t b h. triple threats.

on their official twt jason likes to confirm wowson a lot, its p great lololol he’s the biggest wowson shipper of all time. want more wowson? i gotchu, here’s one of my absolute fav moments. (ft. junchan/chun)

he has some HELLA CHARISMA on stage like boy can u pls chill. they also love doing his eye makeup with that red makeup and it looks rlly good bc bk has such pretty eagle eyes and its his Look™ and that along with his onstage persona is a DEADLY COMBINATION HDSJKSKSLKJS 

i’m just gonna keep this short; even if your bias isnt byeongkwan, your bias is byeongkwan. he has that affect on everybody. number one bias wrecker out of the fandom t b h apart from sehyoon (he cant be my bias wrecker if he is my bias so im safe :^J)

Chan (Kang Yuchan)

INTRODUCING OUR CHANSHINE, MAIN VOCAL OF ACE, CUTIE MAKNAE CHAN!!!! he always introduces himself as a.c.e’s main vocal cutie maknae chan, its his iconic line and it suits him so well like LOOK AT HIM ISNT HE JUST A FUCKING RAY OF SUNSHINE WHAT A PURE CHILD I MUST PROTECC he’s literally the happy virus y’all AND ACE KNOWS IT TOO heres this one time where donghun even said that looking at chan cheers him up. certified sunshines only, everyone. also watch that whole video its long but its worth your time.

anyways our boy is a main vocal and as mentioned in donghun’s part they harmonize!!! so!! well!! i mean tbh all of ace can harmonize with eachother its the most beautfiul thing but these two are main vocal for a reason okay. if you didn’t already watch it in donghun’s part listen to THIS and have your ears be blessed i cry everytime oh my god skdfhd ALSO THIS IS SUPER IMPORTANT ITS LIKE ONE OF MY FAVOURITE VIDEOS ON THE INTERNET i want to cry i lvoe chans voice so much i love chan i love kang yuchan og hmylhdg sodf i was gonna say i swear im sehyoon biased but im not istg ace is bias wrecking me 24/7 its been the hardest group to pick a bias in ever im not kidding i cant even

also known as kang RUDE, chan was all innocent sunshine and daisies until out of the blue he decided to give the disrespect king sehyoon a run for his fucking money. NOBODY FUCKING SAW IT COMING WE ALL THOUGHT HE WAS SO PURE AND THEN HE SUDDENLY STARTED FLASHING HIS ABS EVERYWHERE AND GRINDING ON THE FLOOR AND DOING THAT AND WE JUST CANT HANDLE IT i dont know a kang yuchan please save me oh my lord

okay this already has an ungodly amount of links and honestly i could go on, but this should be a good enough kickstart for you!!

stan talent stan a.c.e everyone. welcome to the choice family. its literally the softest and sweetest fandom out there. we welcome you with open arms and lots of cacti!!!

[83gigsof90semocore-blog]

Post 4: The letter C

Welcome back! It sure wasn't yesterday, how have you been? I'm fine thanks, been a little busy myself and had to put this project on the backburner as you can probably tell. I alluded to being really busy in the last post and that's been pretty much true for all of the past year. Luckily, things are looking a bit better up ahead so I might actually start posting regularly soon!

Much has happened outside of the blog too. I toyed with the idea of moving this beuat over to blogspot (where all the real emo blogs are anyway) when it looked like tumblr was self-destructing for a hot minute. But in the end cooler heads prevailed and it looks like tumblr is just gonna keep existing albeit with less popularity. In the emo world, 125, Rue Montmartre, the first band I covered about a year ago are releasing their discography on vinyl and are now on spotify. All thanks to my blog, I'm sure. Don't be fooled by my modest follower count

I actually have quite a few prestigious readers. Most notably perhaps being Prof. Anders Ahlén, a man important enough to have his own wikipedia page.

C has been the longest letter so far by far clocking in at a mighty 6.56 GB as opposed to the average of 2.8. I've been listening to it in phases with sometimes a month or more in between so it hasn't really been a coherent experience. It has been a real slog though, which is part of why I gave up several times. This has also been a letter with a great number of "famous" emo bands. Because part of the purpose of this listening experience is to experience 90's emo "as it was" rather than colored by nostalgia or what is deemed worthy of attention by the internet discourse I'm disqualifying bands that are prominent in the emo canon from best name, song or image. I will however still do a quick write up on them for those of you not as familiar with emo, chances are I'll reference them in the future so do take notes.

Emo classics

Cap'n Jazz

It's almost impossible to tell the story of 90's emo without Cap'n Jazz. Among their members they have Tim Kinsella, who would later go on to play in Joan of Arc and Owls, his brother Mike Kinsella who would later play in American Football as well as Owls, Their/They're/There and Owen and also Davey von Bohlen who would later play in the Promise ring. When they formed in '89 they where just a bunch teenagers, Mike being just 12. They released their first album 6 years later which goes by the title Burritos, Inspiration Point, Fork Balloon Sports, Cards in the Spokes, Automatic Biographies, Kites, Kung Fu, Trophies, Banana Peels We’ve Slipped on, and Egg Shells We’ve Tippy Toed Over, but is simply referred to as Schmap'n Schmazz by fans. Most of the lyrics where supposedly written by Tim one night while high on mushrooms. They have a wonderful surreal dadaist quality to them with lines such as Hey coffee eyes, you've got me coughing up my cookie heart or You are colder than oldness could ever be. The music is chaotic and full of a warm messy energy. I am personally absolutely enamored with their cover of Aha's Take on me which I insist on putting in as many playlists where it makes some sense whatsoever. As you can hear, Tims vocals do absolutely not Morten Harkets heights (not an easy feat in Tims defense) and you can plainly hear a teenagers voice falseto-cracking and it's absolutely amazing somehow.

Cap'n Jazz really hit the spot of this awkward sensitive yet punk energy that from the start was very central to emo. Although Cap'n Jazz are a big helping sillier and more pubertal than, say, Rites of Spring.

One popular quip about the Velvet underground is the following:

The Velvet Underground didn't sell many records, but everyone who bought one went out and started a band.

I suppose Cap'n Jazz is a bit like that for emo although their presence was perhaps felt as strongest around 2010 with bands such as Snowing, Glocca Morra and in particular Algernon Cadwallader aping their style.

Christie Front Drive

I think part of the reason for Cap'n Jazz's status as a cornerstone band stems from their originality. Christine Front Drive is in contrast a very prototypical 90's emo band. They have a sound that borrows heavily from both post-hardcore and indie-rock with the slightly whiny vocals typical for the genre and era. On their song November they sing Still the same // Fucked for what you've done // Still over // Staged over // November's almost done // Still the same which I think is a nice cross section of their lyrics (most of the rest of the song are just variations on the same words with "remember" also thrown into the mix). The overall sound is slow, moody and a bit dreamy, very typical of their brand of emo. As easy as it is to find bands that sound similar to CFD, I dare say that they did it better than most and that this is what has earned them their spot in the emo cannon.

Cursive

Cursive formed in 1995 and has since been together on and off up to the present day, the drive only has music up to 2005 though. This includes their 2003 release the Ugly Organ which was released by Saddle Creek and is the only one I've heard before starting this project. By that point they had already moved away from their emo roots though, and I'm glad to finally have gotten around to their earlier stuff. The Ugly Organ is artsy, catchy and a bit baroque, but also definitely on the outskirts of emo to the point where I'd perhaps describe it as an indie/alternative album if I wasn't talking about them in the context of emo. This doesn't mean that it isn't worth a listen because it absolutely is. Their early stuff is more typical of what the rest of the drive is like with a sound more in the ballpark of CFD but much more punk, with a higher tempo and angrier vocals while still maintaining a somewhat whiny voice, introspective lyrical content and the cold, big guitar sound typical to this branch of emo.

My favorite band

Car vs Driver

So far I've generally picked bands that stand out a bit because in a long stream of relative sameness, that's what you end up paying attention to. Car vs Driver is however not one of theses bands that stand out but rather pretty typical of the emocore sound. They do it pretty well though. They are undeniably punk, but with more introspective lyrics and a slightly melodic edge, which is exactly how emo was first conceived. One some of their tracks like the featured Without A Day day even flirt a bit more with an alt-rock sound but they also have songs that are a lot more hardcore like Livid Step.

When researching them I half expected them to be a pretty substantial band that I had somehow managed to miss, but they're actually very unheard of, something which I consider to be a shame.

I did however find that the drummer of the band has a blogspot at beyondfaliure.blogstopt.com where he catalogs various bands he's been a part of. There is a collection of Car vs Driver flyers as well as two live recordings and this summary he wrote for their discography

Car vs. Driver began when I was 17 years old. By the time we played our final show, I was 19. This band was the music of my life during a period when people usually experience the greatest amount of freedom, which is what I think of whenever I listen to this music now. There were so many new experiences: living on our own, meeting new people, getting a new perspective on life. Our lifestyle in turn gave us a new perspective on expressing music, and we poured all of our energy and emotion into it. Music that now seems a world away – music from a different life. It’s hard to remember that everything about being in a band at that time was simply making a 7”, buying the cheapest van you could find, and touring the country for the summer. There was no infrastructure to build your music around, which also removed its barriers. Instead of running our band like a corporation, we played peoples living rooms and basements, engaged in kickball tournaments, made record covers out of manila envelopes, slept on top of our van, cooked pasta, and played with some of the most amazing bands in the process. Bands that epitomized the time – like Spirit Assembly, Policy of 3, Friction, Current, The Yah Mos, Assfactor 4, Frail, Hoover, Freemasonry, Scout, and Inkwell. The experience we had is something that could never be recreated, and I consider myself incredibly lucky to have been a part of that moment in time. Thank you Matt, Steve, and Jonathan for bringing this to me.

James Joyce August 2004

This compilation is dedicated to our faithful roadies Ashley Lawrence Moore and William Anthony Nation.

We froze, sweat, bled, argued, and laughed.

Amazing stuff in all, I can highly recommend clicking around their for a while if you, like me are a bit obsessed with the 90's emo scene.

My favorite band name

Christopher Robin

Christopher Robin is a screamo band that go pretty hard. The name is a funny contrast to this and the juxtaposition between childhood nostalgia and angsty screaming works really well.

My favorite picture

Featured is the cover to a demo tape by french screamo band Cather Mathra, which features songs such as Ils M'ont Oubliés (they forgot me) or Leur Révolution (their revolution). You can read more about them on psychoviolence, a blog dedicated to French punk & violence. I think that using a medieval (?) drawing for a cover is pretty cool, especially if you're a french screamo band.

Curiosly they don’t have any music on youtube, you’ll have to check out the drive if you want to listen to them. Tumblr has a limit of 5 embedded videos anyway, so that worked out nicely I suppose.

[littlepuddingsugg]

You’re Home**

Request

SMUT WARNING**

You would think that after 2 years of being with someone, the honeymoon phase of your relationship would be long gone and that you’d actually enjoy the time away from your partner. For you, the time away from Joe was hell and vise versa.

You and Joe never liked being away from one another and you never understood why others did. When ever one of you had somewhere to go that was more than a day, the other would find a way to tag along. 

You did this on multiple occasions; always following Joe to America for a weekend of meetings or brand deals. Typically this meant that you would have to stay in the hotel room or behind the scenes but you didn’t really mind because at night you were able to cuddle up next to your boyfriend.

That was the thing you were missing the most right now as you glanced back up at the clock, seeing only a few minutes have pasted since the last glance. 

For the past week, Joe had been ill and ill Joe means cuddly, needy Joe which was your favorite. The two of you just laid around the flat all week as you took care of your sickly boyfriend who had worked himself up after reaching 1 billion views. He was absolutely gutted that he wasn't able to play in the Sidemen v YouTuber AllStars football match even though he was feeling slightly better, he knew that he needed to properly rest if he wanted to go to France the following weekend. That, and you wouldn’t let him. If it was up to you, you would've made him stay home and not go to France just so you could spend more time with him since this event was something that you weren’t able to tag along to.

You pushed yourself out of the uncomfortable waiting chair in the lobby of the arrival flights as you glanced back up at the clock. 4:25. Joe’s plane landed 15 minutes ago and not a single person had walked down those steps yet. You knew that it wasn’t his fault, it was no ones fault really that Joe wasn’t currently in your arms. Security takes a while to get through and you weren’t exactly aware of where his gate was; might be a long walk. 

You did one last glance up at the clock before you're eyes fell on a person coming down the stairs, then another, and another, none of which were your boyfriend but you knew he was close. 

You pushed yourself up to the front of the small crowd that had started to form when you saw him. You’re beautifully tanned boyfriend who was looking a lot more healthier than when he left made his way down the stairs and into your arms.

“You’re home!” You said before planting a kiss on his lips. 

“I’m home love!” He said returning the kiss before pulling you into a crushing hug. “I’ve missed you.”

“I’ve missed you too. Now lets go home.” You said tugging him along. 

“Eager aren't we?” Joe laughed.

“Yes, I haven't seen all weekend.” You said looking over your shoulder.

You gave Joe little to no time to drop his bags down on the floor before you have reattached yourself to his lips, pushing him against the wall.

“Alright love, can I have some time to relax first?” He said against your lips. 

“No, you relaxed all weekend, on a yacht, without me.” You pouted. 

“I know, I know and I’m sorry love-” You pressed your finger against Joe’s lips, cutting him off.

“Don’t tell me your sorry, show me.” You said with a smirk before tugging him up the stairs to your bedroom. 

Joe laugher a bit, seeing you this eager and excited that he was home just after 3 days away, but he appreciated it; that someone like you cared about him and missed him. Joe picked you up when you reached the top of the stairs and carried you into the bedroom, laying you down on the bed and pressing his lips against your skin. 

Joe’s finger tips made their way underneath the shirt you were wearing, caressing your sides before outlining the shape of your breast. 

“You’re a fucking tease.” Joe said against your neck as he cupped your bare breast in his hand.

“Thought it would help speed up the process, I’m not wearing any pants either.” You said, smirking as he moved to look at you. 

“And that Y/N Y/L/N is why I love you” Joe said before placing a kiss on your lips, pulling away only to pull the shirt over your head. 

Joe made his way down your body, lighting your body on fire from his touch. When he reached the waistband of your trackies, he smirked, recognizing them as his own much like the t-shirt he had just tossed to the floor. 

“Were you wearing my clothes the entire weekend?” He asked, sliding the garment down your legs as you nodded. 

“Like I said, I missed you.” 

“I missed you too love.” Joe said moving down to your heat.

He licked down your folds, causing an airy gasp to escape your lips, before moving to focus on your clit. His fingers ran themselves between your folds before they were pushed into you slowly.

“Oh Joe.” You said moving your hands to his hair, pushing him further between your legs slightly. 

Joe continued to work at your core, picking up the pace slightly as you struggled to keep a steady breath. You clenched yourself around Joe’s fingers as he sucked at your clit until you were pushed over the edge. 

“Shit Joe.” You said catching your breath as you bent your knees together watching you boyfriend undress himself.

“We’re not done yet, I still need to say thank you for nursing me back to health last week.” Joe said parting your legs as he climbed over you and kissed your lips. 

“I mean its only fair.” You smiled as you wrapped your arms around his neck.

Joe let out a soft chuckle as he positioned himself at your core and pushing into you. He let out a low moan as he felt you clench around him. He began thrusting his hips into you, earning a few moans from you.

“Fuck...Y/N,” Joe stammered as he brought his lips back to yours.

“Joe..” You breathed out as you clenched tighter around him trying your best to hold back your second release. 

The two of you release minutes later, filling the room with moans and swears. Joe pushed himself off of you and pulled you close to his body. 

“Maybe I should go away for the weekend more often if this is what I get to come home to.” Joe laughed. 

“Don’t you dare think about it Sugg. You may have had fun on a yacht but it was pretty boring here.” 

“I’m sorry love. One day I’ll take you to France and we can through our own party of a yacht. Maybe we could even own one in the future.” Joe smiled.

“We don’t need a yacht Joe but you can take me to France whenever you’d like.” You said leaning up to kiss him. 

[adambstingus]

What is grey culture, precisely? Here’s what the stats say

Whiteness is hard to define, but apparently it involves lots of veggies, alcohol and the arts and reputations like Yoder

A few months after I moved to New York, a magical communication happened that would radically shift my psyche forever. I was telling my friend that I had gone to his favorite shop and he expected:” Who sufficed you? Was it the tall lily-white guy ?”

I frowned and replied,” Are the rest of the staff not grey ?” to which my friend responded” Huh? What do you necessitate? No. I was just describing him .”

While he strayed off to get a beer, I stood dumbfounded. This was the first time I had discovered a white person’s hasten used as a casual descriptor, a simple phase of differentiation in what I perceive to be a grey nature.

As a Brit, I grew up in a country that was 86% white-hot, so “white” was the norm. That kid you were seeing in volumes like Roald Dahl’s was lily-white, unless you were told otherwise( which you never were ). The males paraded on the TV appearance Crimewatch were described as black when they were black, and short or towering or thin or fat once they are white.

Now I live in the United States, countries around the world that is 61% grey. Non-whiteness is much more visible here, and abruptly the distinguish of whiteness is very. But I’m still struggling to constitute the shift from my previous mindset, where grey is the default, the presume, the baseline. You don’t notice normalcy; you consider the divergences from it. So the word “white” could ever be hop-skip over as an adjective.

Now, “white” still feels like an absence: an absence of colour, an is a lack of food that is “different” and an is a lack of a mum who enunciates your mention differently from the room your friends do. But if my friend can use “white” as an adjective, then what exactly are they describing? What is grey culture, exactly?

I decided to find out by expecting the questions that I and many other non-white people have been asked over and over again. I looked for answers in data.

Q: What do white people dine? A: Vegetables.

The US Department of Agriculture’s latest data been demonstrated that the average lily-white American eats 16 lb more vegetables at home each year than do non-white Americans( that could add up to 112 medium-sized carrots, 432 cherry-red tomatoes, or God knows how much kale ).

The only thing that white people are likely to adore more than vegetables is dairy. White Americans chew 185 lb of dairy produces at home each year, are comparable to exactly 106 lb for pitch-black Americans.

But this isn’t just the result of our desires: all of these numbers are influenced by structural parts. For instance, fruit and vegetable uptake increases each time that a new supermarket is lent near to someone’s home, according to a 2002 study . That same study too found that grey Americans are four times more likely than pitch-black Americans to live in a census tract that has a supermarket.

Q: What do white people drink? A: Alcohol.

Almost a third of non-Hispanic greys had at least one heavy drinking day in the past year, according to the CDC. Only 16% of black Americans and 24% of Hispanic Americans said the same.

If you’re wondering which drinks white people are boozing, then you have the same question as a unit of researchers who followed 2,171 girls from the time they were 11 years old to the time the issue is 18. As per year extended, the researchers “ve noticed that” compared to the black girls, white-hot girlfriends imbibe a lot more wine-coloured( and beer, actually, and, er, hearts, more ).

Q: What’s a typical white-hot name? A: Joseph Yoder.

The Census Bureau did an analysis of 270 million people‘s last names to find those that are most likely to be held by particular hastens or ethnicities. Yoder had not been able to the more common family name in the US- only about 45,000 parties have it- but, since 98.1% of those people are white-hot, it’s just ahead of Krueger and Mueller and Koch as the whitest last name in their respective countries. Which means that statistically speaking, the Yoders of America are maybe the least likely white people to marry someone of a different hasten to themselves.

The most common grey last names. Sketch: Mona Chalabi

The most common Hispanic last names. Instance: Mona Chalabi

The most common pitch-black last names. Illustration: Mona Chalabi

The most common Asian last names. Illustration: Mona Chalabi

Many of these last names have German and Jewish descents. Which seems to run counter to my ideology of lily-white culture being intangible- Jewish culture “re a long way from” it. Having experienced discrimination, and having a distinct, tangible culture is sufficient to potentially disqualify you as white, as some American Jewish beings themselves ask the question: ” Are Jews White ?”.

As for Joseph, well, the best data I could find was the most popular child refers rolled by the hasten or the ethnicity of the mother( no mention of the father so some of these Josephs are possibly mixed hasten ). Even then, the numbers are exclusively from New York and were collected from 2011 to 2014. Still, I found that the most common white appoints are Joseph, David, Michael, Jacob and Moshe( seven of the most common refers were male because people tend to be more creative when they’ve delivery a girl ).

Q: What do white people do for merriment? A: Enjoy the arts.

I turned to my esteemed colleague and friend Amanda and asked what she would like to know about white people. Amanda, herself a white person, replied:” Why do they affection guitars so much better ?” Alas, despite two hours of online research, I couldn’t experiment her speculation about musical instruments and hasten.( Although I did find out that bassoons are more popular with women than servicemen, which led me to a YouTube clip of the status of women playing the bassoon with specific comments that spoke” THIS is how you bassoon “. It built me laugh so difficult I had to take a break from preparing the present .)

Instead, I looked at the latest American Time Use Survey. It was published after the Bureau of Labor Statistics expected 10,500 beings in the US how they expend their experience. White beings are the only ethnic or ethnic group in the dataset to have a number higher than zero for time spent attending museums or the performing arts. It’s only 36 seconds, but recollect, this is a daily median, so that adds up to 219 times each year.

I double checked my findings against a 2015 report from the National Endowment for the Arts, which found that white-hot Americans were almost twice as likely as pitch-black or Hispanic Americans to have done at least one arts activity in the past year. Their definition of an artworks task was pretty broad- it included” jazz, classical music, opu, musical and non-musical plays, ballet, and visits to an art museum or gallery “.

Pondering leisure activities. Instance: Mona Chalabi

These counts feel closely connected to home. When I was growing up, my family never set foot inside a museum, gallery or theatre. Not once. I didn’t think it was strange, I exactly thought it was like tripping in duos or taking coaches- specific activities reserved only for school trips.

And yet, despite having better access to these institutions, it seems like it’s some white people who seem to feel culturally deprived.

Remember Amanda? I mentioned her earlier- she’s my colleague with the disdain for guitars. In 2015, she interviewed black psychologists to ask their mind about Rachel Dolezal, a white-hot professor who intentionally misrepresented herself as an African American.

Anita Thomas, an assistant professor of counseling psychology at Loyola University, said:” In some paths it’s normal, but not at her age .” Thomas explained that numerous lily-white teens reacted similarly to Dolezal, attempting to take on what the fuck is perceived to be the types of another race while exploring their identities. Being “the other” sure as hell has its downsides, but it is about to change that not being “the other” does too- especially if you’re a teen.

” For white[ American] youth, “whos” disconnected from European patrimony or gift, it often feels like whiteness as a idea is empty ,” Thomas added in a quotation that has really protruded with me. It seems to tie together some disparate conceptions I have had on “white” as an adjective.

Dolezal was treated as if she were a “bizarre” outlier, but she’s part of a much bigger structure of white action. It includes Mezz Mezzrow, the 1930 s jazz musician who affirmed himself a” voluntary Negro” after marrying a black both women and selling marijuana. It includes the millions of white-hot Americans who take DNA tests and proudly reveal that they are in fact x percentage non -white. And it’s a structure that includes the grey Americans who listen to a” rights for whites” album that includes sungs designation Sons of Israel and Fetch the Noose. One reaction might seem ludicrous, the other frightening, but they are all eventually about meeting a concept of whiteness that isn’t empty.

But what does all that searching yield? I’m not sure I can answer the issues to” what is white culture ?” but I’m certain we should try. If whiteness takes no chassis, then the concrete organizations that shaped it( and often benefit from it) remain invisible very- the supermarkets, the unions, and the museums that stir these numbers what they are. If the “somethingness” of grey culture is never quite pinned down, it remains both” good-for-nothing, certainly” and” well, everything “.

If white culture remains vague, then it can lay claim to every recipe, every garment, every suggestion “thats really not” explicitly “non-white”. That would mean that my identity is just a summing-up, that my “non-whiteness” can only be understood as a subtraction from the totality of “whiteness”. I refuse to be a remainder.

This article will be published in the March edition of The Smudge .

Do you have conceives on white-hot culture? We want to hear them! Please leave a comment below or email me at mona.chalabi @theguardian. com .

from All Of Beer http://allofbeer.com/what-is-white-culture-exactly-heres-what-the-stats-say/ from All of Beer https://allofbeercom.tumblr.com/post/182730797017

[allofbeercom]

What is grey culture, precisely? Here’s what the stats say

Whiteness is hard to define, but apparently it involves lots of veggies, alcohol and the arts and reputations like Yoder

A few months after I moved to New York, a magical communication happened that would radically shift my psyche forever. I was telling my friend that I had gone to his favorite shop and he expected:” Who sufficed you? Was it the tall lily-white guy ?”

I frowned and replied,” Are the rest of the staff not grey ?” to which my friend responded” Huh? What do you necessitate? No. I was just describing him .”

While he strayed off to get a beer, I stood dumbfounded. This was the first time I had discovered a white person’s hasten used as a casual descriptor, a simple phase of differentiation in what I perceive to be a grey nature.

As a Brit, I grew up in a country that was 86% white-hot, so “white” was the norm. That kid you were seeing in volumes like Roald Dahl’s was lily-white, unless you were told otherwise( which you never were ). The males paraded on the TV appearance Crimewatch were described as black when they were black, and short or towering or thin or fat once they are white.

Now I live in the United States, countries around the world that is 61% grey. Non-whiteness is much more visible here, and abruptly the distinguish of whiteness is very. But I’m still struggling to constitute the shift from my previous mindset, where grey is the default, the presume, the baseline. You don’t notice normalcy; you consider the divergences from it. So the word “white” could ever be hop-skip over as an adjective.

Now, “white” still feels like an absence: an absence of colour, an is a lack of food that is “different” and an is a lack of a mum who enunciates your mention differently from the room your friends do. But if my friend can use “white” as an adjective, then what exactly are they describing? What is grey culture, exactly?

I decided to find out by expecting the questions that I and many other non-white people have been asked over and over again. I looked for answers in data.

Q: What do white people dine? A: Vegetables.

The US Department of Agriculture’s latest data been demonstrated that the average lily-white American eats 16 lb more vegetables at home each year than do non-white Americans( that could add up to 112 medium-sized carrots, 432 cherry-red tomatoes, or God knows how much kale ).

The only thing that white people are likely to adore more than vegetables is dairy. White Americans chew 185 lb of dairy produces at home each year, are comparable to exactly 106 lb for pitch-black Americans.

But this isn’t just the result of our desires: all of these numbers are influenced by structural parts. For instance, fruit and vegetable uptake increases each time that a new supermarket is lent near to someone’s home, according to a 2002 study . That same study too found that grey Americans are four times more likely than pitch-black Americans to live in a census tract that has a supermarket.

Q: What do white people drink? A: Alcohol.

Almost a third of non-Hispanic greys had at least one heavy drinking day in the past year, according to the CDC. Only 16% of black Americans and 24% of Hispanic Americans said the same.

If you’re wondering which drinks white people are boozing, then you have the same question as a unit of researchers who followed 2,171 girls from the time they were 11 years old to the time the issue is 18. As per year extended, the researchers “ve noticed that” compared to the black girls, white-hot girlfriends imbibe a lot more wine-coloured( and beer, actually, and, er, hearts, more ).

Q: What’s a typical white-hot name? A: Joseph Yoder.

The Census Bureau did an analysis of 270 million people‘s last names to find those that are most likely to be held by particular hastens or ethnicities. Yoder had not been able to the more common family name in the US- only about 45,000 parties have it- but, since 98.1% of those people are white-hot, it’s just ahead of Krueger and Mueller and Koch as the whitest last name in their respective countries. Which means that statistically speaking, the Yoders of America are maybe the least likely white people to marry someone of a different hasten to themselves.

The most common grey last names. Sketch: Mona Chalabi

The most common Hispanic last names. Instance: Mona Chalabi

The most common pitch-black last names. Illustration: Mona Chalabi

The most common Asian last names. Illustration: Mona Chalabi

Many of these last names have German and Jewish descents. Which seems to run counter to my ideology of lily-white culture being intangible- Jewish culture “re a long way from” it. Having experienced discrimination, and having a distinct, tangible culture is sufficient to potentially disqualify you as white, as some American Jewish beings themselves ask the question: ” Are Jews White ?”.

As for Joseph, well, the best data I could find was the most popular child refers rolled by the hasten or the ethnicity of the mother( no mention of the father so some of these Josephs are possibly mixed hasten ). Even then, the numbers are exclusively from New York and were collected from 2011 to 2014. Still, I found that the most common white appoints are Joseph, David, Michael, Jacob and Moshe( seven of the most common refers were male because people tend to be more creative when they’ve delivery a girl ).

Q: What do white people do for merriment? A: Enjoy the arts.

I turned to my esteemed colleague and friend Amanda and asked what she would like to know about white people. Amanda, herself a white person, replied:” Why do they affection guitars so much better ?” Alas, despite two hours of online research, I couldn’t experiment her speculation about musical instruments and hasten.( Although I did find out that bassoons are more popular with women than servicemen, which led me to a YouTube clip of the status of women playing the bassoon with specific comments that spoke” THIS is how you bassoon “. It built me laugh so difficult I had to take a break from preparing the present .)

Instead, I looked at the latest American Time Use Survey. It was published after the Bureau of Labor Statistics expected 10,500 beings in the US how they expend their experience. White beings are the only ethnic or ethnic group in the dataset to have a number higher than zero for time spent attending museums or the performing arts. It’s only 36 seconds, but recollect, this is a daily median, so that adds up to 219 times each year.

I double checked my findings against a 2015 report from the National Endowment for the Arts, which found that white-hot Americans were almost twice as likely as pitch-black or Hispanic Americans to have done at least one arts activity in the past year. Their definition of an artworks task was pretty broad- it included” jazz, classical music, opu, musical and non-musical plays, ballet, and visits to an art museum or gallery “.

Pondering leisure activities. Instance: Mona Chalabi

These counts feel closely connected to home. When I was growing up, my family never set foot inside a museum, gallery or theatre. Not once. I didn’t think it was strange, I exactly thought it was like tripping in duos or taking coaches- specific activities reserved only for school trips.

And yet, despite having better access to these institutions, it seems like it’s some white people who seem to feel culturally deprived.

Remember Amanda? I mentioned her earlier- she’s my colleague with the disdain for guitars. In 2015, she interviewed black psychologists to ask their mind about Rachel Dolezal, a white-hot professor who intentionally misrepresented herself as an African American.

Anita Thomas, an assistant professor of counseling psychology at Loyola University, said:” In some paths it’s normal, but not at her age .” Thomas explained that numerous lily-white teens reacted similarly to Dolezal, attempting to take on what the fuck is perceived to be the types of another race while exploring their identities. Being “the other” sure as hell has its downsides, but it is about to change that not being “the other” does too- especially if you’re a teen.

” For white[ American] youth, “whos” disconnected from European patrimony or gift, it often feels like whiteness as a idea is empty ,” Thomas added in a quotation that has really protruded with me. It seems to tie together some disparate conceptions I have had on “white” as an adjective.

Dolezal was treated as if she were a “bizarre” outlier, but she’s part of a much bigger structure of white action. It includes Mezz Mezzrow, the 1930 s jazz musician who affirmed himself a” voluntary Negro” after marrying a black both women and selling marijuana. It includes the millions of white-hot Americans who take DNA tests and proudly reveal that they are in fact x percentage non -white. And it’s a structure that includes the grey Americans who listen to a” rights for whites” album that includes sungs designation Sons of Israel and Fetch the Noose. One reaction might seem ludicrous, the other frightening, but they are all eventually about meeting a concept of whiteness that isn’t empty.

But what does all that searching yield? I’m not sure I can answer the issues to” what is white culture ?” but I’m certain we should try. If whiteness takes no chassis, then the concrete organizations that shaped it( and often benefit from it) remain invisible very- the supermarkets, the unions, and the museums that stir these numbers what they are. If the “somethingness” of grey culture is never quite pinned down, it remains both” good-for-nothing, certainly” and” well, everything “.

If white culture remains vague, then it can lay claim to every recipe, every garment, every suggestion “thats really not” explicitly “non-white”. That would mean that my identity is just a summing-up, that my “non-whiteness” can only be understood as a subtraction from the totality of “whiteness”. I refuse to be a remainder.

This article will be published in the March edition of The Smudge .

Do you have conceives on white-hot culture? We want to hear them! Please leave a comment below or email me at mona.chalabi @theguardian. com .

from All Of Beer http://allofbeer.com/what-is-white-culture-exactly-heres-what-the-stats-say/

[purplesurveys]

1279

Are you and the last person you kissed in a relationship or just friends?  I don’t keep contact.

Has anyone ever pointed out that your laugh was unusual?  Hmmmm, I don’t think so. I feel like that would be the type of comment that would get to me so I definitely would’ve remembered it.

Would you get a lip piercing?  I don’t plan on getting any piercings.

Nose piercing?  Nopes.

What are you currently waiting for?  For this fucking day to end so I can be closer to Thursday and to the weekend.

Do you have feelings for anyone?  Nah.

Have you ever run over an animal?  Nope. I’ve had extremely close calls with animals who suddenly dart into the road, but fortunately these have all been situations wherein I got to hit the brakes with nobody behind me.

Have you chewed gum after someone else already has?  That’s disgusting, no.

When people sneeze do you say ‘bless you’?  Sure, out of habit and just to be polite.

When was the last time you were on a bouncy castle?  I don’t think I’ve ever been on a bouncy castle, but I’ve been on a lot of bouncy other things haha, like inflatable slides, soccer balls, Anpanmans, etc. The last time would probably be a nearly a decade ago; I definitely haven’t been near one in a while.

Have you ever went on a bouncy castle whilst drunk?  Well no, because the ones I’ve been on were situated in school fairs, which is the last place I would want to be drunk in.

Have you ever entered an art competition?  No, I have no justification to join one haha.

What is one thing you will never do? Try hardcore drugs. < Same. 

What is one food that you detest?  Pineapples.

Did you have a rebellious phase growing up?  Yeah I was a bit of a handful to raise, but I’m in firm in my stance that it had a lot to do with the way I was raised. I grew up mostly without a father figure because my dad worked abroad and I felt neglected by my mom who had her own shit to deal with. There was no stable support system to lean on, so I ended up lashing out a lot in my puberty years. Unfortunately everyone else just saw a rebellious child and not a plea for help.

These days when I show off my achievements on social media, I’ll see congratulatory comments from my mom’s friends and she’ll usually go on about some “late bloomers grow with time” narrative and it pisses me off because nobody knows how much I’ve had to grow and mature and learn how to be happier all by myself, all from scratch. If I had just received the proper care and attention early on, I wouldn’t have had to do any catching up to begin with.

What religion were you brought up with? Roman Catholic.

Are you still that religion?  Jesus no. I darted out of there as soon as I gained the consciousness to think about these sorts of things.

Do you often find yourself questioning your future?  Sometimes, but I do my best to not let it get to me.

How many friends do you have on Facebook?  Over 670.

What sort of music did you listen to when you were in high school?  I started with punk rock in the first half of high school, so I had my Rancids, H2Os, Against Me!s, Cro-Mags, etc on my iPod. It evolved a little bit towards more indie, folksy sounds towards the latter half - Banks, alt-J, Hozier, Twenty One Pilots - which I largely attribute to the crowd I was part of at the time.

What pet names do you use with your significant other?  I’m pretty straightforward so baby works out for me. Other, more specific pet names just grow naturally with the relationship, I think.

What’s the name of the store you usually get your groceries?  S&R.

Have you ever seen a theatre show?  Yeah. Most of them have been required.

What’s your favourite vegetable?  Broccoli or bell peppers.

Have you ever missed a flight?  Never. I’ve experienced several delayed flights, though, which is always such a hassle especially if the delays happen in provincial airports since they never have any recreational offers to keep passengers from getting bored other than TVs that run the same damn five ads.

Do your neighbours have any pets? Have you ever met them?  Yeah, a lot of have dogs. I’ve met some.

What color is your bedroom door?  Brown.

If you were ever to become famous, would you grow annoyed at fans?  Only towards obsessive ones who wouldn’t give me time to breathe or would go so far so as to stalk me or my loved ones. But I am a fan too, so I imagine I would actually be understanding of those who would ask for pictures or whatever as long as they were polite and not at all intrusive.

Have you ever met your favourite band/singer?  Nah. I am terrified of meeting celebrities HAHA so I’ve always shut down the chance. I’m pretty sure I would actually turn down the chance to meet BTS if I hypothetically suddenly got the magic keys to that door.

Are you embarrassed by any of the songs/singers/bands you like?  No. I feel like that sort of thing just happens in like high school, when your friends are still a bit judgmental. Nowadays I don’t see why I should be embarrassed of anything I like, especially if it’s not hurting anyone.

Have you ever written a story?  I’ve made attempts but was always terrible.

Think of the last poem you wrote: What inspired you to write it?  My homework that required me to write said poem hahaha.

Do you have a chance with the person you like right now? 

What’s the weirdest thing you were scared of as a child?  Watching commercials at night. It’s still a slight fear of mine but it’s mostly dissipated now.

Are there any embarrassing stories your family tells about you?  About me? No. I don’t have a lot of those since I was a really shy kid who barely moved a finger anyway.

In your opinion, what is the funniest TV show?  I have a *really* soft spot for Perfect Strangers, which I actually revisited yesterday :) The show was never super popular so it’s near impossible to find clips online, but when I checked YouTube I did see a slight increase in short snippets from the show so I had a really fun time binge-watching yesterday.

What is the maximum number of children you’d ever have?  Three, but that’s pushing it. Ideally, I’d have two so my first would have company.

Have you ever been concerned you had a serious illness?  Mental ones, yes.

Are you comfortable with who you are?  For the most part, yes.

Would you date someone even if you knew you’d get made fun of for it?  No. Why would it be any of their business?

Does popularity matter to you at all?  I mean, yeah in the sense that I honestly aspire to be well-liked by as many people as possible. But I don’t necessarily want to rub shoulders with popular kids.

Would you ever consider homeschooling your children?  Continued from sometime this week ider. No. I don’t think I’m capable of teaching, and generally I’d want them to be able to learn in a more open environment where they can have regular contact with different kinds of people.

Who told you about the band/singer you are currently listening to?  Well Angela got into them first and since we’re best friends, there was a certain point where she just decided to loop me into conversations that involved them. I was impossible to sway for a long time, but then one day a video compilation of them showed up on my feed, and for some reason I actually watched it, and I watched all the way through, and I was immediately intrigued – particularly by J-Hope haha. I then asked Angela to tell me more about them and the rest was...financially irresponsible history HAHAHAHA

Do you ever read fanfiction?  OMG yes. Funny you should mention that because my favorite author uploaded a brand new fic this morning, which I obviously couldn’t get to all day because I had to go to work. I’ll be reading it in all its 44,000-word glory tonight :D

Would you rather die in a plane crash, ship wreck or fire?  Plane crash. Instant and mostly painless.

What are your top five favourite TV shows?  Breaking Bad, BoJack Horseman, Friends, The Crown even though I was never able to continue it since...andddd that’s all I got.

What is your favorite superhero movie?  Not a fan of superhero movies.

If you died next week, what would be the cause of death?  Stress from overworking. I’ve FINALLY started to consider taking a leave for the first time this year because I’ve just realized just how fucking exhausted, burned out, and overwhelmed I actually already am from having no rest at all in the last 13 months.

Have you ever taken a break from Facebook or other social media? Why?  Yes, I do mass deactivations when I’m severely depressed. These days I can’t really afford to that anymore, though, since my work is closely tied to social media.

Who is the most talented person you know?  Probably Andi.

Are you currently platonic friends with anyone you’ve had sex with?  No.

Where did you and your current interest go on your first date? 

Have you ever experienced two people fighting over you (physically or mentally)? What happened?  Nah. I’ve had two people like me at the same time, but there was never any tension to watch out for since they mostly didn’t know each other.

Have your parents ever thought you were gay? What happened?  I think they know I dated Gabie and that we broke up because they’ve stopped asking about her. Everyone knew we were best friends, so the fact that they’ve avoided her as a topic for a whole year is able to tell me something.

Are your parents more liberal or conservative?  Dad’s on the liberal side, mom dances around on the spectrum a little bit. I know she’s fine with things like tattoos and having LGBTQ+ co-workers, but she’s also conservative especially towards matters like religion.

What year are you going into at the beginning of the next academic year?  No longer in school.

How far away does your closest family member live?  A few footsteps away.

If you’ve seen both, did you prefer the Disney version or the Tim Burton version of Alice in Wonderland?  It’s not my type of movie/genre to begin with.

Would you have sex before marriage? Why or why not?  Yes. I don’t see the big deal; I’ve already done it anyway.

Are you more liberal or conservative?  Liberal.

Who is your favorite Harry Potter character?  Ooh not sure. I haven’t gone back to the books in a while, so I don’t remember if there was anyone I had an attachment to.

What’s the worst that could come out of letting gays marry?  Nothing.

What’s the most sexual thing you’ve done?  Had sex...I guess? And a bunch of stuff that comes with it.

Name something that you are against.  Racial discrimination.

Why are you against it?  Because it is infuriating to see, and it shows me the very same treatment can happen to me or my family as well and that scares me, especially since some people turn particularly violent towards people of color.

Have you ever played the Tomb Raider games?  No.

Do you like it or hate it when your partner is clingy?  I imagine I wouldn’t enjoy it if I’m not as into whoever my next partner would be.

Beatles or Rolling Stones?  I don’t listen to either.

When was the last time you changed your opinion on somebody?  Not so sure about a whole change in opinion because that hasn’t happened in a while, but I grew more grateful for my manager today because I finally mustered the strength to tell her that I’m begin to struggle mentally with work and she not only encouraged (read: begged) me to file a damn leave for once, but she also got sushi delivered to my place.

What was the last thing that made you feel proud and why?  Andi was telling me about their day today and how they handled being misgendered by a prof, who then proceeded to throw a fit when he got corrected, and how they, again, maturely handled said fit. I was proud of them because there are a million ways that incident could’ve turned out, but they dealt with it in an extremely mature and calm manner considering they were the one who was wronged.

Do you feel uncomfortable when people you hardly know confide in you?  If it was about an extremely personal problem I would probably be taken aback at first, but I still would definitely make some time for them and help in however way I can, since they apparently trust me enough to confide.

What was the last thing to fascinate you?  The music video for My Universe! Super cool to watch and I love that they made a short film out of it too.

Is there a certain noise/sound which scares you?  Doors being slammed shut, because that’s what my mom does when she’s furious. She did that when I was a kid and she does it to this day, so I get extremely nervous when I hear the sound, even if it happens by accident.

Do you have a favourite microorganism? Nope.

Out of the people you know, whose birthday is next?  My cousin Bree.

If you have pet fish do you bother to name them?  I did when I had them as a kid.

Do you keep your eggs in the fridge?  Yes?

Have you ever owned chickens?  Nope.

When did you last listen to music?  Like five minutes ago. I tried to have a jazz playlist on but I realized I wasn’t in the mood for music so I changed my background noise to have a random VLive on instead. 

[samanthasroberts]

What is grey culture, precisely? Here’s what the stats say

Whiteness is hard to define, but apparently it involves lots of veggies, alcohol and the arts and reputations like Yoder

A few months after I moved to New York, a magical communication happened that would radically shift my psyche forever. I was telling my friend that I had gone to his favorite shop and he expected:” Who sufficed you? Was it the tall lily-white guy ?”

I frowned and replied,” Are the rest of the staff not grey ?” to which my friend responded” Huh? What do you necessitate? No. I was just describing him .”

While he strayed off to get a beer, I stood dumbfounded. This was the first time I had discovered a white person’s hasten used as a casual descriptor, a simple phase of differentiation in what I perceive to be a grey nature.

As a Brit, I grew up in a country that was 86% white-hot, so “white” was the norm. That kid you were seeing in volumes like Roald Dahl’s was lily-white, unless you were told otherwise( which you never were ). The males paraded on the TV appearance Crimewatch were described as black when they were black, and short or towering or thin or fat once they are white.

Now I live in the United States, countries around the world that is 61% grey. Non-whiteness is much more visible here, and abruptly the distinguish of whiteness is very. But I’m still struggling to constitute the shift from my previous mindset, where grey is the default, the presume, the baseline. You don’t notice normalcy; you consider the divergences from it. So the word “white” could ever be hop-skip over as an adjective.

Now, “white” still feels like an absence: an absence of colour, an is a lack of food that is “different” and an is a lack of a mum who enunciates your mention differently from the room your friends do. But if my friend can use “white” as an adjective, then what exactly are they describing? What is grey culture, exactly?

I decided to find out by expecting the questions that I and many other non-white people have been asked over and over again. I looked for answers in data.

Q: What do white people dine? A: Vegetables.

The US Department of Agriculture’s latest data been demonstrated that the average lily-white American eats 16 lb more vegetables at home each year than do non-white Americans( that could add up to 112 medium-sized carrots, 432 cherry-red tomatoes, or God knows how much kale ).

The only thing that white people are likely to adore more than vegetables is dairy. White Americans chew 185 lb of dairy produces at home each year, are comparable to exactly 106 lb for pitch-black Americans.

But this isn’t just the result of our desires: all of these numbers are influenced by structural parts. For instance, fruit and vegetable uptake increases each time that a new supermarket is lent near to someone’s home, according to a 2002 study . That same study too found that grey Americans are four times more likely than pitch-black Americans to live in a census tract that has a supermarket.

Q: What do white people drink? A: Alcohol.

Almost a third of non-Hispanic greys had at least one heavy drinking day in the past year, according to the CDC. Only 16% of black Americans and 24% of Hispanic Americans said the same.

If you’re wondering which drinks white people are boozing, then you have the same question as a unit of researchers who followed 2,171 girls from the time they were 11 years old to the time the issue is 18. As per year extended, the researchers “ve noticed that” compared to the black girls, white-hot girlfriends imbibe a lot more wine-coloured( and beer, actually, and, er, hearts, more ).

Q: What’s a typical white-hot name? A: Joseph Yoder.

The Census Bureau did an analysis of 270 million people‘s last names to find those that are most likely to be held by particular hastens or ethnicities. Yoder had not been able to the more common family name in the US- only about 45,000 parties have it- but, since 98.1% of those people are white-hot, it’s just ahead of Krueger and Mueller and Koch as the whitest last name in their respective countries. Which means that statistically speaking, the Yoders of America are maybe the least likely white people to marry someone of a different hasten to themselves.

The most common grey last names. Sketch: Mona Chalabi

The most common Hispanic last names. Instance: Mona Chalabi

The most common pitch-black last names. Illustration: Mona Chalabi

The most common Asian last names. Illustration: Mona Chalabi

Many of these last names have German and Jewish descents. Which seems to run counter to my ideology of lily-white culture being intangible- Jewish culture “re a long way from” it. Having experienced discrimination, and having a distinct, tangible culture is sufficient to potentially disqualify you as white, as some American Jewish beings themselves ask the question: ” Are Jews White ?”.

As for Joseph, well, the best data I could find was the most popular child refers rolled by the hasten or the ethnicity of the mother( no mention of the father so some of these Josephs are possibly mixed hasten ). Even then, the numbers are exclusively from New York and were collected from 2011 to 2014. Still, I found that the most common white appoints are Joseph, David, Michael, Jacob and Moshe( seven of the most common refers were male because people tend to be more creative when they’ve delivery a girl ).

Q: What do white people do for merriment? A: Enjoy the arts.

I turned to my esteemed colleague and friend Amanda and asked what she would like to know about white people. Amanda, herself a white person, replied:” Why do they affection guitars so much better ?” Alas, despite two hours of online research, I couldn’t experiment her speculation about musical instruments and hasten.( Although I did find out that bassoons are more popular with women than servicemen, which led me to a YouTube clip of the status of women playing the bassoon with specific comments that spoke” THIS is how you bassoon “. It built me laugh so difficult I had to take a break from preparing the present .)

Instead, I looked at the latest American Time Use Survey. It was published after the Bureau of Labor Statistics expected 10,500 beings in the US how they expend their experience. White beings are the only ethnic or ethnic group in the dataset to have a number higher than zero for time spent attending museums or the performing arts. It’s only 36 seconds, but recollect, this is a daily median, so that adds up to 219 times each year.

I double checked my findings against a 2015 report from the National Endowment for the Arts, which found that white-hot Americans were almost twice as likely as pitch-black or Hispanic Americans to have done at least one arts activity in the past year. Their definition of an artworks task was pretty broad- it included” jazz, classical music, opu, musical and non-musical plays, ballet, and visits to an art museum or gallery “.

Pondering leisure activities. Instance: Mona Chalabi

These counts feel closely connected to home. When I was growing up, my family never set foot inside a museum, gallery or theatre. Not once. I didn’t think it was strange, I exactly thought it was like tripping in duos or taking coaches- specific activities reserved only for school trips.

And yet, despite having better access to these institutions, it seems like it’s some white people who seem to feel culturally deprived.

Remember Amanda? I mentioned her earlier- she’s my colleague with the disdain for guitars. In 2015, she interviewed black psychologists to ask their mind about Rachel Dolezal, a white-hot professor who intentionally misrepresented herself as an African American.

Anita Thomas, an assistant professor of counseling psychology at Loyola University, said:” In some paths it’s normal, but not at her age .” Thomas explained that numerous lily-white teens reacted similarly to Dolezal, attempting to take on what the fuck is perceived to be the types of another race while exploring their identities. Being “the other” sure as hell has its downsides, but it is about to change that not being “the other” does too- especially if you’re a teen.

” For white[ American] youth, “whos” disconnected from European patrimony or gift, it often feels like whiteness as a idea is empty ,” Thomas added in a quotation that has really protruded with me. It seems to tie together some disparate conceptions I have had on “white” as an adjective.

Dolezal was treated as if she were a “bizarre” outlier, but she’s part of a much bigger structure of white action. It includes Mezz Mezzrow, the 1930 s jazz musician who affirmed himself a” voluntary Negro” after marrying a black both women and selling marijuana. It includes the millions of white-hot Americans who take DNA tests and proudly reveal that they are in fact x percentage non -white. And it’s a structure that includes the grey Americans who listen to a” rights for whites” album that includes sungs designation Sons of Israel and Fetch the Noose. One reaction might seem ludicrous, the other frightening, but they are all eventually about meeting a concept of whiteness that isn’t empty.

But what does all that searching yield? I’m not sure I can answer the issues to” what is white culture ?” but I’m certain we should try. If whiteness takes no chassis, then the concrete organizations that shaped it( and often benefit from it) remain invisible very- the supermarkets, the unions, and the museums that stir these numbers what they are. If the “somethingness” of grey culture is never quite pinned down, it remains both” good-for-nothing, certainly” and” well, everything “.

If white culture remains vague, then it can lay claim to every recipe, every garment, every suggestion “thats really not” explicitly “non-white”. That would mean that my identity is just a summing-up, that my “non-whiteness” can only be understood as a subtraction from the totality of “whiteness”. I refuse to be a remainder.

This article will be published in the March edition of The Smudge .

Do you have conceives on white-hot culture? We want to hear them! Please leave a comment below or email me at mona.chalabi @theguardian. com .

Source: http://allofbeer.com/what-is-white-culture-exactly-heres-what-the-stats-say/

from All of Beer https://allofbeer.wordpress.com/2019/02/11/what-is-grey-culture-precisely-heres-what-the-stats-say/

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #97

gaming survey.

let's start with the classic: what's your favorite game?  why?   "silent hill 2."  it is so fucking well-thought out and went places no one ever thought a game would go.  it was psychological as fuck and absolutely terrifying in that sense.  it had such an intricate storyline and was positively heart-wrenching.  the characters were very unique, and oh boy, don't even think of forgetting the soundtrack.  it was so, so immersive.  the monsters were incredibly symbolic, and it really, really got you to question your own conscience.  i could literally go on about how wonderful this game is for hours on end. least favorite game?   probably "eleusis," whose name i don't care if i spelled wrong.  i know it's an indie game, but holy fuck, it's horrible.  the puzzles make legitimately no sense and literally requires a walkthrough. what's your favorite gaming genre?   psychological horror, easily. least favorite gaming genre?   probably first-person shooters. what's your favorite childhood game?   "spyro the dragon: year of the dragon."  i loved the entire series, but that was my favorite. when did you start gaming, anyway?   literally as soon as i could hold a controller and had the coordination to understand the buttons. scariest game ever?   "scp containment breach."  i couldn't play it because the first scp scared me so much lol.  however, i've watched my favorite youtuber play it many times.  despite it being in the indie scene, it's an incredible game and should really, really cost money.  hmmmm... actually, "parasite eve" may overthrow it.  not in terms of jumpscares, but in terms of, "what if that really happened?"  scientifically, maybe it's possible.  it explains why so very well.  it's the only game that ever resulted in me having to take an anxiety pill.  oh yeah, fun fact, we actually had a demo of the game on a demo disc, and mom hated the preview of it so much that she refused to let my sisters and i play it lol. favorite comedic game?   oh that's easy, "five nights at fuckboy's 3."  it is sooo fucking funny.  i love all of them, but the third's the funniest. favorite action game?   "resident evil 4."  it was one of my first action horror experiences. saddest game in the history of ever?   "silent hill 2," again.  i fucking cried so hard and my week was ruined lol.  that game legitimately changed me and made me ponder my decisions much more. favorite game based off a tv show or movie?   probably the first season of "the walking dead."  the characters were very unique (kenny is the Love of my Life), and the plot was phenomenal.  i wasn't much of a fan of the gameplay (or lack thereof), but i was there for the story.  the ending had me sobbing.  i've never actually watched the tv show, but man i love that game.  season three hasn't been that good imo, but i enjoyed the second one, too. game with the most interesting concept?   the entire "silent hill," obviously.  the idea that our biggest regrets and demons exist in multiple layers of reality is cool as fuck.  "soma" is a close second.  the philosophical debate of "if you move a human's conscience to a machine, is it still human?" is incredible. game with the most fucked-up storyline?   "silent hill 2" or "silent hill 3."  sh2 was more psychological in how screwed-up it was, but sh3 was very brazen abut it.  it also has the only scene ever in a video game that made me gag.  like i had to walk away from the controller because i literally almost puked. favorite gaming otp?   that's p hard.  actually, wait, i like tyrande and illidan from "world of warcraft" a lot.  their story was sad as fuck.  jaina and arthas from the same game, too. favorite video game protagonist?   i have two: heather mason from sh2 and leon kennedy from the "resident evil" series.  both are just total badases.  heather mason reminds me a lot of myself, and leon is just super fucking cool and gives zero shits. favorite video game antagonist?   does pyramid head from the sh series count?  i mean in ways he's not really an antagonist, so.  if he's not included, maybe claudia wolf from "silent hill 3" (LOOK I KNOW I'M TALKING ABOUT IT A LOT BUT THE SERIES IS MY BABY OKAY).  she is a prime example of how religion can absolutely destroy a person, and i think it's really cool that she truly thinks she's doing what's good for the world.  i also really like walter sullivan from "silent hill 4" because he is just sooo incredibly fucked up with a really tragic story.  arthas menethil from "world of warcraft: wrath of the lich king" is also amazing and i pitied him so much. favorite video game monster?   pyramid head, bar none.  he is so mysterious and terrifying in his concept. sequel that disappointed you most?   hmmm.  i'm not sure.  i mean, if i absolutely had to pick, maybe "silent hill: origins?"  i mean don't get me wrong, i enjoyed the game, but it's my least favorite in the series. most under-rated game?   "AMNESIA: A MACHINE FOR PIGS."  oh my GOD.  i do NOT understand why people thought it was disappointing to the title.  that is one of the most fucked-up, greatest games i've ever played (it's my second favorite game) i've ever had the pleasure of playing.  it is way, way better than the first game.  it's another game that had me depressed for days and questioning my life. most over-rated game?   probably "call of duty" and the like.  i just don't see the appeal. favorite quote from a game?   "i have stood knee-deep in mud and bone and filled my lungs with mustard gas. i have seen two brothers fall. i have lain with holy wars and copulated with the autumnal fallout. i have dug trenches for the refugees; i have murdered dissidents where the ground never thaws and starved the masses into faith. a child's shadow burnt into the brickwork. a house of skulls in the jungle. the innocent, the innocent, mandus, trod and bled and gassed and starved and beaten and murdered and enslaved. this is your coming century! they will eat them, mandus, they will make pigs of you all and they will bury their snouts into your ribs and they will eat your hearts!" - "amnesia: a machine for pigs."  i get literally covered in goosebumps every single time i hear it.  it's about how absolutely horrid the world is today from the perspective of the past.  i also really enjoy "the only me is me... are you sure the only you is you?" from "silent hill: p.t." game you want made into a movie?   "SHADOW OF THE COLOSSUS" OH MY GOD.  CAN YOU FUCKING IMAGINE. game you currently most want to play?   "the last guardian."  the story and trico are so fucking cute. what do you think of revamping classic games to "improve" them?   eh, i've never been too into it.  don't get me wrong, it works sometimes, but imo, it takes away the charm of the game sometimes.  ex., with "crash bandicoot" being remade.  i loved that game as a kid, but i think its graphics just added to the charm. favorite movie based off a game?   the first "silent hill." did you ever get those old demo discs as a kid?  did they ever influence you to buy a game?   yes.  i think we had three.  i was first exposed to "shadow of the colossus" by a demo disc.  i was totally into it and only played it a thousand times before buying it. were you ever or are you into the "final fantasy" craze?   not really.  i used to play "final fantasy viii" on a demo disc; my sisters, brother, and i loved it.  my bro was the only one who could beat the final boss (the spider thing) of the demo; he and ashley used to play it a lot.  i really liked it, and when i was young, wanted to buy it.  we all used to think squall was sexy as fuck lol.  the summons were super-duper cool too, especially rinoa's (i used to make her do her water dragon limit break constantly ha ha).  i did, however, have "final fantasty vii," and i got all the way to the second disc, but i eventually just fell out of playing it.  i think it was too long for me personally, although i really did enjoy the story. i'm sure you've heard of the "five nights at freddy's" one, too.  were you into it?   i've never played it myself and i personally wouldn't, but i've watched youtubers play it and i enjoy it.  the story and characters are cool (especially springtrap), and the story is quite frightening. hardest game you've ever beaten?   i am not even remotely kidding, "the legend of spyro: the eternal night."  it took me over a fucking year to beat that game and i rage-quit a lot. hardest boss monster?   jesus fucking christ.  there are three that top the list.  the ultimate being from "parasite eve" is probably number one, though.  he was hard as FUCK and took me like a whole goddamn day to beat.  his multiple phases were annoying, and the fact he could trap you at the VERY END if you picked the wrong door was a cardinal fucking sin.  basaran from "shadow of the colossus" was also horrific.  even malus wasn't that bad.  getting onto his back was a goddamn nightmare, especially when he got back up and if you misjudged your jump, you'd go flying.  ripto of "spyro the dragon: ripto's rage!" was also a childhood nightmare.  his phases were also annoying and he was just overall difficult.  i felt like a fucking god when i finally did beat him lol.  memory of alessa of sh3 was also hard for me, although she herself isn't that much of a difficult boss.  it was just that i had no ammo so had to melee her the whole time.  i got so fucking angry. how did you feel about "silent hill: p.t." being cancelled?  it was probably one of the most anticipated games of 2014.   want my honest opinion?  i'm glad it was cancelled.  that series is my fucking child and i would be legitimately furious if they fucked it up.  i had many issues with it.  one, the fact that norman reedus was made a model of the main character.  it just pissed me off that they designed him to look pretty much exactly like daryl dixon.  i don't want people to think "oh hey a guy from twd went to silent hill."  i also had a problem with them changing the name to "silent hills;" i really don't know why since it's such a minor thing, but it irked me regardless.  it also really, really bugged me that kojima openly said he's a bit of a wuss with horror games.  dude, you can't be like that when you're working with what is well-known to be one of the scariest series of all time.  i had full faith that del toro would be great for the series, but not kojima.  it also pissed me off that it was said that aliens might be involved in the game.  just... no.  that's not what silent hill is.  i get that it's a joke in the series, but to make it canon?  if they actually went through with that and made it so extraterrestrials were involved, i literally would've broken something.  ultimately, i'm glad it didn't work. favorite running joke or something of the like in a series?   the "i'm totally gonna stick my hand in this filthy toilet for a wallet" joke that the "silent hill" series has, rooting from when james sunderland did so in sh2.  i love the references. favorite side-kick?   uhhh.  cynder from "the legend of spyro: dawn of the dragon."  she not only looks super fucking cool, but she has an interesting story and is just overall really rad. saddest video game death?   well that's hard.  prepare for spoilers.  the one that hit me the hardest personally was probably vol'jin from wow.  he was my favorite character out of like the billion wow has, so him dying sucked.  not to even mention his death was super anti-climactic to where it pissed off the whole damn fanbase, despite being one of the most important characters.  lee from twd was also absolutely horrible.  ha, what a coincidence... they have the same voice actor.  #stopkillingdavidfennoy favorite plot twist?   spoiler warning once again.  my favorite and to me the most shocking was the fact james was responsible for mary's death in "silent hill 2."  it rocked my fucking world. best soundtrack?   "shadow of the colossus."  ko otani is a musical genius.  sh2 is a very close second. what's the first gaming console you ever had?   the original playstation. favorite setting in a game?   that's super hard considering so many games are absolutely gorgeous.  but i suppose lakeside amusement park from "silent hill 3."  i love the blood & rust, macabre feel to it.

[st0pdr0pndm0sh]

A little rant on what’s been going on in my life for the past few months that aren’t even anime related.

If you’re reading this, it means I finally wanted to write down my feelings on something. I have endured a lot the last few months that a few of my friends know part or half of the story and don’t know the whole thing. So, for my friends who follow me on tumblr who know very little or half and don’t know the whole story. I am going to write it all out, and hopefully this explains why I have been doing what I have been doing. I hope it provides insight as to why I am doing this, and why I keep pursuing the same guy who broke me into a million pieces and left me to die. My last ex, for now due to his safety I won’t reveal his identity so I will give him the name Bob, because why the hell not. So Me and Bob have been friends since high school in 2011. He isn’t from New York, Long Island specifically. He is from Las Vegas, Nevada. He lived a hell of a life from what he would tell me back then. Well, he ended up moving here when he was 14 and I was 13. We went to the same high school, but for shits and giggles I will name it High School of Bullshit (HSoBS). So he came to the Island and had no friends whatsoever. He came just in time for the fall semester of HSoBS for 9th grade. I was in my mega scene phase, I was very cheery, happy-go-lucky. I enjoyed living at the time, and he- not so much. He had a lot of things going on and when he first met me, it was an instant attraction for both parties. The significance of this was we became best friends in high school, we were inseparable. You wouldn’t find him without me next to him and vice versa. The entire school was probably convinced we were dating, but we weren’t. We actually wanted to so badly. We never did because us being stupid children in love we didn’t know how to express this. He would date other girls in my class because he felt like he could never have me, that I was too high of a level for him. However, I wasn’t. I loved him dearly, and when he dated other girls in our class he would still always be with me to the point that he wouldn’t be with his girlfriends that much. He would always be with me. Now to every fucking person in this school they can TELL we were in love. It’s such a silly thing to say we were in love because it was high school we were 13/14. Well, one day he moved. I begged him to stay because I would miss him so much. Even by me saying that we still didn’t realize we loved each other. He didn’t want to go, but he had to. We still talked and everything until 2013. Truth is when he left I felt empty. Because in high school he wouldn’t talk to anyone but me. Even when that was a rarity, he still would talk to me and solely me. It made me very happy, knowing I felt so special to him. To him I am his first love, and his first best friend here. He always tells me how he can never forget about me, and how he never loved any other girl as much as he loved me. We have everything in common, from our music tastes, to our creepy and eerie pasts, to just who we are. We enjoy the same things, we act the same, we talk the same. We are legitimately the same person in the opposite genders as if we are made for each other. As time from 2013-2016 went on, we stopped talking completely, and I lived my life without him and he did without me. Or so I thought. Deep down we always wondered how we were. He always thought about me after 2013 and how I was doing. I always wondered about him, but we never decided to contact each other. He had girlfriends and I had boyfriends. We spent happiness in others. Well, in late August of 2016, I got new video editing software for my gaming channel on youtube and I made a status about how I was going to make more videos now. I was really excited to tell everyone about it, and he saw it and never knew I was an avid gamer. He messaged me saying “wait you’re a gamer?!” and we added each other on every gaming software we owned. We played games a bit and then stopped talking for a few months. Now, fast forward to September 23rd 2016. My 19th birthday, he texted me “Happy Birthday kid, how old are you now?” and I said how I was 19 and his immediate reaction was “wow you’re young compared to me” and meanwhile he was only turning 20 I made the joke of “You’re almost a year older than me though. As we are speaking we are both 19. So shush.” and we laughed because we made shitty jokes about how we are old/young. After that we put some distance back again. One day in October I met another guy, who I was attracted to. His name for this story will be Frank. Frank and I were going well in our soon-to-be relationship albeit we couldn’t see each other ever due to our conflicting schedules and whatnot, but we talked daily. Well, one day I posted on Snapchat how I needed someone and surely enough Bob saw it. He wrote to me asking to hang out to catch up after work and talk. I was hesitant at first because he was my first love, what if I fall for him again? especially since at the time he had a girlfriend. I didn’t want to ruin their relationship because he might still love me. I doubted it though, nothing ever lasted for me because I fall too hard for guys and get nothing in return ever. So I brushed it away and said fine, I’ll go out and talk. So we went to the taco bell near my house. He worked in Riverhead at the time which was 35 mins from my house, and we sat there and I knew. The minute I saw him and hugged him, all of my feelings returned. I had fallen in love with my first love again. That hug was a smack back to our happy moments together in high school. I missed it so fucking much, he was my best friend and my first love. He meant the world to me then, and even to this very day as I am writing this and crying over my computer I still love the fucking shit out of him. After we saw each other, I didn’t want him to leave. Not again. Not like he did back then, it ruined me to have to leave his side. I wanted to beg him to stay with me. I couldn’t though, he found happiness in someone else. His heart belongs to someone else. Not me. The next few days we talked a little, and I flat out (being the blunt bitch I am) told him how I think we shouldn’t see each other as much because I wanted to kiss him as if we had dated, because my feelings for him returned. I knew they would, but wanted to defy myself. I couldn’t. I told him that, and surely enough he felt the same. This caused more than a kiss to happen. Which tore him and I and his girlfriend at the time apart. This caused a lot of hatred, pain, heartbreak, bitterness, and tears and blood. After that, we dated in November shortly after his birthday for 2 weeks. We were happy for those 2 weeks, we had cute conversations like how I would say “I love you to the moon and back” and he would be silly and cute and say “You’d only love me for 3 days?!” because that’s how long it takes to get to the moon and back. Then he called me his queen, he would send me reasons why he loved me every night and that he was happy to be with me. He would always tell me to be happy for the day and have a good day at school or work. It went super well then and even the next time we dated it was just bliss. However, the first time we dated I decided to be a selfish cunt and not say I was in a relationship with him on facebook because I wanted to stay married to my ex on facebook from many years ago. I was still hung up on him, and little did I know. It fucking killed Bob. It hurt him so much that it pushed him away back to his ex-girlfriend now at the time. This in turn made me angry because he was with her when I was very ill at the time. I was nearly hospitalized, and he had done what I never wanted to be done ever again in my life. This caused turmoil, and he had to make a choice, me or her. He walked out of his house and when his ex-girlfriend at the time said “Where are you going?” he said “To make my decision” and told me to meet him at the lake near his house, where it all began for us. That was where he took my virginity, and where he asked to be mine again. I normally would’ve accepted it. However, I cursed him out, I caused him to cry so fucking much in my arms. I caused him to be in so much pain that I caused my own tears. I told him to live and to suffer. I wanted him to suffer like he made me suffer at the time, and once my head got cleared. That’s where mistakes began. He flip flopped between me and his ex-girlfriend at the time until she finally dipped and left. Once she left he worked on us and it was the best time of our lives because we didn’t let anything get to us. Not at all. However, I would always confront him about his ex-girlfriend’s posts regarding him. He would naturally deny it, but it fucking hurt because some was true some was false. However, we lasted a few more weeks and he broke up with me to fix his relationship with his ex-girlfriend. This hurt me, but I understood. So the issue here was he was still in love with me. He still wanted me, but he also wanted her. After we saw each other and his ex-girlfriend at the time refused to take him back. He found another girl and this caused some turmoil between us again because its back to a few months ago again. I befriended new people through this, and lost them just the same. Combatting my health, family life, and him all at once really destroyed my mental state to the point where I was numb. He told his new girlfriend at the time all about me and she hated that we still talked. He claims she trusted him, but in reality she didn’t. If she did, she wouldn’t have anything to worry about, but the fact that she was worried about this means even she along with he and I knew that he still was in love with me. Fast forward to 2 weeks later where we got into a HUGE FIGHT over the phone. He let his emotions engulf him completely and screamed at me, telling me how he’s going to call me every single name in the book and scare me away. However, he didn’t. He didn’t call me anything negative other than stupid. That was all, he didn’t call me a cunt, whore, a slut, a useless piece of shit. None of it. All he called me was stupid for still talking to his ex-girlfriend that hated me and confronted me blaming me for their break up. He also said these exact words to me: “Do you know why I am so angry, Angela?!” Me: “No WHY ENLIGHTEN ME.” Him: “BECAUSE I STILL LOVE YOU ANGELA, I TRIED TO FORGET US, TO FORGET YOU, TO GET YOU OUT OF MY LIFE AND NO MATTER WHO I DATE OR WHO I AM WITH IT’S NEVER THE SAME. I CAN’T FORGET YOU. I WILL NEVER FORGET YOU.” when he said this to me he was out of his shell, it was his true personality talking to me. This is when the truth really comes out. Afterwards I was left a crying mess feeling useless. Then I got a text from him saying “I’m sorry for over reacting. I do love you and I do want to be with you and work things out. I just need time” and all I did was give him time. However, I might’ve pushed a lot on him. That is what most likely ruined us. I wanted to see him that night. I wanted to see the person who broke me down so much that I can’t help but be in love with because at the end of the day when we make each other mad or sad, we always apologize and make up for it. After that phone call he posted on twitter how he isn’t human because he just shattered the one girl he probably never wanted to shatter. To shatter your first love and your first best friend like that has to be mentally eating someone alive. I always forgave him and I always will because I just love him, yes he hurt me. Yes, he did things he shouldn’t have done. However, at the end of the day we always talk to each other and check up on each other. If he’s a fucked up person, then I am fucked up for the same reasons he has. They say two people who are the same really belong together, then I guess this is our story because at the end of the day we still come back to each other. Now that we know how we feel about each other, we don’t want to lose each other again. Not after what happened in HSoBS. After they broke up, I witnessed him breaking down. Multiple occasions and I was there for him as a friend because he needed someone. I didn’t trust him alone. I was always there when he needed a friend. Every time he was upset, I would always check in on him and stop by to see if he is okay. He always calls me when he needs me, even after he told me he doesn’t love me anymore and said how he wants me out of his life for good. He still wants to talk to me, now I know what you’re thinking “why the fuck would he be so childish and fuck around so much and you still be there for him?” and the answer is, love makes you do some really fucking crazy and unexplainable things. This is one of them. When we are together we are so happy and there’s nothing bad going on, but when we are apart and he is unsure about himself and talks to other girls, that’s where the fighting happens. He tells me how he doesn’t love me, how he doesn’t care if I date anyone else, but truth be told. It’s a lie, he gets jealous a lot over me talking to other guys. Why? He still loves me, but doesn’t know what to do. So he’s pretty much prolonging us, but lately he has been calling me and texting me daily and talking to me and we are realizing how we are perfect for each other and how we are legitimately the same person but opposite genders. We both agree we are meant to be together, because he never felt like this with anyone else. When we were gaming late the other night he kept wanting to call me his babe and his girl etc. And it was even harder for him to not want me to come over to sleep with him. He misses me a lot, and I miss him too. However, he has another girlfriend (again) and until he realizes I am gone and find someone else and then want to fix us because he realized how he chased away the only girl who was there for him through everything and didn’t care about what he did because she loved him for who he was and for him. He will either be sorry that I am gone, or not care. We will see where this goes, because I do love him. However, this game of “I am going to date every other girl before I date you” fucking hurts. I can’t handle it because it’s not fair to me. It’s not fair because I keep trying to make things right and all he does is hurt me by seeing other girls. I just want him to snap out of this phase and realize I was the one who was always there for him. I want him to not fuck himself over someone who is willing to go anywhere with him when no one else will. I know all about him, every single thing. If anyone knew half of him they would probably be unhappy and not want to live with it. He may be a difficult, and a stubborn guy, but he really isn’t a bad guy. He always asks me how I am and if I don’t answer he gets worried because he knows my health is dancing with the devil right now. He truly does care about me. I just want these games to end and finally be at peace either with him or without him. Its either me, or never me. Pick one before someone else picks it for you. We all have that one person we can never stop loving, and for me that is him and for him it is me. However, it doesn’t mean when we see other people and love others we still won’t be affected by it because deep down we want each other. Please save me, before someone else saves me for you.