#its been over two weeks now and im still in terrible mourning

[equarretedddd]

AOTD SPOILERS

Well……. Yk exactly what place i occupy here

original pic credit by zombie666x on twt

[jae-daddy]

Stuck (M)

im jaebum oneshot

masterlist

pairing: im jaebum x reader genre: angst, smut, fluff? plot: after a terrible incident you and jaebum feel stuck in a relationship rotting away. you can’t take a step forward or a step back, you’re only stuck  a/n: I felt like writing something that I can put out instantly so here you go. I feel like I've written smut after so long... oh well, hope y’all like it <3 not edit

You sat by the window sill, your eyes followed the raindrops, slowly tracing the glass. You brought a finger up and placed it where a drop lay resting, waiting for another drop to come and propel it down to the rest of the droplets that disappeared. 

You wondered if it wanted to stay there, remain there untouched until the sun came out and dried it away into non-existence. Or if its waiting for that one special drop, maybe its the one above it, just a few centimetres away, or maybe it’s still to fall from the heavens. 

From the other side of the glass, you felt the droplet. It was just like you; stuck. It didn’t know what it needed, but it needed something, like you needed someone. 

You gaze adjusted to the red car that pulled into the driveway. You watched him, stay in the drivers seat for a moment too long. His eyes were trained on the rain beating against the window of the car. 

He couldn't see you, or at least he didn’t notice you. 

He didn’t look towards the house. 

He stayed there, and you watched him, waiting. 

You shifted your finger from the droplet to where Jaebum was, and he felt the same; stuck. 

You took in a deep breath as he finally found the strength to get out of the car. You didn’t blame him; you didn’t want to be here either. You didn’t want to come back to this house. 

You looked back at the droplet to find it gone as a new trail started down the window. 

You got up from your seat as Jaebum opened the door. He shook the rain of him, and you wondered if he remembered that you hated it when he did that. It reminded you of a dog, all wet and smelly, but he did it anyway. 

You didn’t say anything about it. You hid away your frown and instead smiled, as you walked towards him, “Welcome back, Jay.”

Jaebum gave you a tight line smile, and you were already tired. You knew exactly how this night was going to go. It had been the same for weeks now, probably a month, you couldn’t remember. 

It’s all a blur how this started or when this started. All you knew was one morning Jaebum was kissing you goodbye, and the next day he just stopped.

“How was work?” You asked, but regretted it instantly. You bit your lip wondering if you were being annoying, bothering him after a long day of work.

You knew how stressful work got sometimes. You used to work together until a few months ago, until you stopped bleeding. 

You would never forget the look on his face when he saw the pregnancy test in your hand. When he took the it from you and stared at the positive sign for minutes. You sat next to him, not touching him. 

You were scared; frightened that he didn’t want this baby. You hadn’t planned for a baby until two more years, but now that it was here, earlier then expected, you were scared. 

But then he finally turned towards you. 

The tears ran down his cheeks, blurring his vision as he tried to hold them back. And then he smiled so brightly, that all the tears he was holding in those beautiful eyes spilled out. 

“We’re going to have a baby,” his voice was barely above a whisper. You nodded, tears falling down your cheeks. You were so relieved Jaebum wanted this child. You were so happy you were going to be a mother, you were going to have a child with Jaebum. 

You wiped Jaebum’s cheeks as you held his face in your hands, but it was pointless. New tears came down and wet them instantly. Jaebum fell off the bed as he went down on his knees. He wrapped his arms around your waist, hid his face against your stomach and cried. 

You fell on him, hugging him back as your own tears soaked through his shirt. 

He looked up, his eyes red and cheeks swollen, “I love you, y/n.” 

His voice was raspy and raw, and you smiled. Your was voice just as trembling as you answered, “I love you too, Jaebum.” 

You remember the golden lit in his eyes. The way it used to sparkle and shine when he looked at you. You remembered the way he would walk home everyday, hold you in his arms and litter you with kisses. 

Jaebum didn’t hum anymore, and you didn’t ask him too. You would just end up crying if you did. You weren’t ready for that, you weren’t ready for Jaebum. 

As much distance Jaebum put between you two, you didn’t do anything to lessen it. You wanted to remain on the other side of the shore and see him from the distance. It hurt to much to see him, to talk to him, to pretend that such a big part of you both was now missing. 

Your gift from the universe was taken back. 

Maybe it wasn’t their time yet. They will come back one day, and once again bloom in your belly. One day, when it comes back, you will love it all over again, just the same, but right now it was gone, and you missed them. 

Jaebum missed it too. 

And now you mourned the loss of someone who never even properly entered into your life. But it was already a part. 

They were in the buckets of paint Jaebum had bought. In the wooden crib he had started on. In those moments where you both lay in bed together, thinking of names, thinking about what kind of parents you will be, thinking about how much love you would give to the little bean. 

And now those memories haunted you both. 

Jaebum simply shrugged like he had for days now, and mumbled, “It was normal.” 

You didn’t sigh.

You walked back to your seat, and went back to watching the rain. 

It was raining a lot today. It didn’t seem like the rain will stop anytime soon. It was early evening, but the low hanging clouds already made the world shadowed in darkness. 

You missed the sunshine. 

You missed Jaebum too. 

“I think you messed up,” you whispered to the dark stormy clouds, but you were taking to whatever was beyond it. 

“Did you say something?” Jaebum asked from the kitchen. You blinked, remembering Jaebum was there; that he was actually there and not a mirage. Things can change, not everyday has to be the same as yesterday. 

You swallowed, suddenly feeling nervous to talk to Jaebum. You had told this man every last one of your secrets, there was nothing about you that he didn’t know, but today you were nervous. 

it used to be easy back then. You never had to think twice, you wouldn't even consider the thought and just blurt it out to Jaebum as soon as it came to your head. Jaebum would laugh, agree, or call you crazy, and then tell you his thoughts. It was so easy back then. 

“I think they messed up,” you said a bit louder. Your fingers fidgeted in your lap as you waited through the silence that followed your words. 

Jaebum didn’t say anything for a long minute. He didn’t say anything, but you heard his movements stop as he took in your words. And then you heard his footsteps approach closer behind you. 

“Who did?” He asked, stopping at the doorway of the kitchen. This was the closest you two have been in weeks. For once you were looking at one another, seeing each other, talking to each other about something that wasn’t mundane like closing the toothpaste lid. 

You didn’t reply instantly, so Jaebum took a hesitant step closer to you, “It happens sometimes, y/n. It’s more common than we think.”

“I know,” you nodded, content and understanding. Jaebum frowned, and you wondered if he thought your calmness meant you were loosing it. But you had come to terms with it, it was okay. 

But it wasn’t. 

“They took too much,” you whispered, looking out to the skies again. 

“Y/n, are you,” Jaebum walked closer towards you, he bent onto his knees in front of you, and for the first time in a long time, his skin touched yours, “Are you okay?”

His brown eyes bore into yours, and you finally breathed. It felt as if the clock finally began to tick again. It felt as if the time that had been frozen was finally melting and moving forward. Jaebum’s eyes finally looked warm and golden instead of the darkness that had been haunting him. 

You placed your hand over his. Jaebum flinched, but then softened as his eyes looked into yours. You took in how sad he looked and your heart hurt. There were no smiles, no dreams, nothing. Only lips pulled into a line, and eyes lined with dark circles from sleepless nights. 

“They made a mistake,” you could barely hear your own voice, but in the silence that filled your lives, Jaebum heard you. His brows furrowed, his lips tighten, and you saw him be stricken with fear. 

He was scared he was going to lose you to insanity. 

“They took too much from us.” 

“I...” Jaebum spoke softly, his thumb caressing your cheek. He bit his lips, scared, as he continued, “I don't understand.” 

“The universe,” you told him, tears filling your eyes, “when they took our baby, they took a lot more with them.” 

Jaebum didn’t say anything as he wiped the tear that fell from your eyes. You saw Jaebum’s eyes also get teary, this was the first time you were talking about it to each other after weeks. This was the first time since that first week you found out, first week since your grieving became mourning, that you mentioned the baby. 

“Jay, they took us too,” your chin started to tremble. 

“Hey, baby,” Jaebum spoke, holding your face up in his hands. He shook his head as he swallowed, “I’m right here.” 

“They took our love too, Jaebum,” you whispered, your nails digging into his hands for strength to continue and not fall apart. “We don’t love anymore.” 

A tear slid down Jaebum’s face, “Do you not love me anymore?” 

You snorted at that, genuinely smiling for the first time in weeks, Jaebum’s lips quirked. 

“I do,” you swallowed the lump in your throat, “I love you just as much, if not more, but Jay, you don’t...”

“I do.” 

“You don’t,” you shook your head away from his hands. You stared at your fingers that fell onto your lap, “You don’t look at me anymore. You don’t talk to me anymore. I see you everyday, and you just don’t care anymore... 

“I feel stuck because I don’t want to freak you out by reaching out before you’ve healed. But every day, I can feel you drifting away, and I... I can’t stop thinking... that maybe somewhere.... deep down-”

“No.” Jaebum said, firmly, “Never.”

You looked up at Jaebum, and found him staring at you with fire in his eyes, “I have never, and I never will. The doctors said it wasn’t anyone’s fault, nothing caused it. You didn’t do anything.” 

“Then why don’t you talk to me?” You asked, softly. 

“I’ll talk to now, if that’s what you need.”

“No,” you shook your head, as more tears fell from your eyes. “Do it because you want to, because you want me to be a part of your day.”

Jaebum didn’t say anything, and after a moment he got up and walked away. 

You leaned back into your seat, drawing your knees to your chest. You buried your face into them as your body began to shake. The rain wasn’t stopping, and the winds were causing the rain to loudly fall against your window. All the droplets that were waiting washed away. 

You felt the seat next to you sink, and you lifted your head to find Jaebum in front of you. Your chest hurt, it felt as if someone had stabbed a knife into and kept on turning it round and round, taking pleasure in seeing you wither in pain. 

“I went to get tea,” Jaebum spoke as you watched him, “Have you eaten today?” 

You thought about it, before shaking your head. 

Jaebum nodded, before lifting up a plate of sandwich towards you, “Here.”

You wiped your runny nose on the long sleeve of your hoodie before taking the plate, “Thanks.” 

Jaebum’s eyes remained on the sleeve of your hoodie and you gasped, “Oh, sorry I completely forgot that you didn’t like that.” 

“It’s okay,” Jaebum managed a smile, “you don’t like it when I shake water out of my hair.” 

You managed a smile back. 

You took a bite of the sandwich and chewed it slowly, watching Jaebum as he ate his in small bites, “Are you okay?” 

He sighed, before placing his sandwich back into his plate, “I just feel so... I don't know how to describe this feeling. It’s not sadness, not as much anymore at least. It’s this feeling like I’m waiting for something, or more like someone is waiting for me. And it feels weird in my chest, like I have to be somewhere, but I don’t know where.”

You smiled at that. 

“You’re like the rain,” was all you said. 

Jaebum looked over at you, and after a long moment chuckled shaking his head. 

“And what are you?” 

“A droplet, waiting for you to get to me,” you placed your plate on the table, as you sighed. “I’m sorry I pushed you away. I’m sorry I wasn't there for you.”

“It’s okay,” Jaebum placed his plate down too, “I wasn’t there for you too, I should’ve fought harder to be next to you.” 

“I hated coming home. I hated waking up and being in this house, in this room,” you told him, and Jaebum’s eyes shone with hurt. “I hated everything about this life, except you.”

“I hate coming back to his house everyday,” Jaebum said, and your heart sunk. You knew that though, you had guessed that much. He would hate this place as much as you, “Every time I thought of not coming back, I thought of you. And as soon as I thought of you, I only saw you.”

“I only see you too,” you whispered back. 

You and Jaebum remained like that for a long time, watching each other as the rain gently fell outside. There were no more words said, no more actions done, but somehow you both were in motion. 

Jaebum watched as you got up and leaned closer to him. You watched with hesitant eyes, your gaze drooping to his parted pink lips, almost waiting for you. You placed a hand on his cheek as you softly placed your lips against his. 

“I love you,” you said, looking into his eyes as you leaned back. 

Jaebum pulled you back in as he whispered, “I love you too.” 

Jaebum kissed you, and you had to hold back the moan at the back of your throat. He placed a hand on the back of you head, pulling you in as he deepened the kiss. 

You let him pull you against him. Your chest meeting his as you settled onto his lap, straddling him. Your mouth opened as your tongues collided. A moan left Jaebum as your fingers gently pulled against his hair. 

Jaebum’s lips shifted from your lips, and towards your neck. You arched your head to the side as he kissed your throat, his tongue licking your skin with every kiss. You moaned, your eyes rolling back, as you closed your eyes. 

Your body burned for him; you burned for him. 

You wanted him closer. You wanted him inside you. You wanted him intertwined with your soul. 

Your fingers reached down touching his bulge beneath your hips. You ran your fingers over the shape, and Jaebum groaned as you pressed your hands against it. 

Jaebum’s hands removed the sleeves from your shoulders, making the loose dress fall, revealing your breasts. He wasted no time as he took a hard nipple in his mouth. His hot tongue swirling around the hard bud, making your mind blur with pleasure. 

You moaned, as he other hand held the other breast, rubbing the hard bud between his fingers. He kissed your breasts all over, worshipping every inch of it. You moaned; a hand in his hair, tugging it slightly whenever he drew the buds between his teeth. The other hand expertly unzipping his pant and freeing his strained cock. 

You held it in your hand, running your thumb over the tip, spreading the pre-cum over the tip. Jaebum hissed, throwing his head back as you touched him. You ran your hand over his length a few times, before positioning yourself over him. 

You rubbed his dick dripping in premium against your wet slit. Jaebum’s hips bucked feeling how wet, hot and ready you were for him. You placed him at your centre before slowly sinking down on him. 

You gasped as he slowly filled you in, as Jaebum let an out a throaty, “Fuck.”

You rested your hands on Jaebum’s shoulder, and sat down on his dick completely. You moaned, your eyes rolling back as you felt Jaebum completely inside you. 

You missed him inside you. 

You opened your eyes to find him watching you already. Your lips parted in a silent prayer, as you rose on his cock before sliding back done. Your body melted into his, your chest pressed against his, your eyes focused on each other. 

You went slow at first, slowly taking in the feel of him. Your hands running along his chest, his back, into his hair. His hands feverishly touching your everywhere, as if he was trying to remember every part of your body. 

Jaebum leaned forward, bringing your right breast into his mouth. You gasped loudly, as a hand gripped his hair while the other arm wrapped around his shoulder. You began to go faster, getting an approving groan from Jaebum. 

His hand went around, squeezing your ass and helping you find a faster and better rhythm. You gasped, groaned, and cursed God’s name again and again as you felt something tighten in your stomach. 

Jaebum moved away from your chest, and brought a hand to your hair. He pulled your hair back, making you look into his dark eyes as your face contoured in delicious pain. 

“Fuck, I missed you,” Jaebum groaned, as he sloppily kissed along your neck. You moaned, your nails digging into his back. Jaebum leaned back, watching you for a moment, making your cheeks flush. 

“I love you, y/n,” he leaned up kissing you as if the end of the world was near. His arms tightened around you, his fingers wrapping tighter around your hair as he pulled you in closer. You kissed him back just as harshly, holding him just as close. 

Jaebum leaned his forehead against yours, and watched you get closer to the edge. His fingers tightened around your hair as he grunted, “Come for me, y/n.” 

A loud groan left you, as you entire body tightened. Your fingers latched onto his tresses, as your nails bit harder into his skin. Jaebum didn’t mind, he continued moving his body, letting you ride out your high as your body began to shake. 

Your pussy squeezed him in tighter, and Jaebum grunted reaching for your lips again as he kissed you harder, and became undone. 

You both remained in each other’s arms as Jaebum fell back against the sofa. You lay on his chest, hearing his heart beating loudly. You placed your hand over it, letting its heat sink into your skin. 

It felt just the same as you in this moment. 

“I love you, Jaebum,” you whispered, snuggling in closer to him. Jaebum slid his pants and underpants off, and took your dress off before laying on the sofa. He pulled the blanket you had been using alone for weeks, and covered it over your tangled bodies. 

He placed a kiss on your forehead and wrapped his arms around you, “I love you too, y/n.” 

After a moment, he added, “More than anything, no matter what.” 

“No matter what,” you echoed, placing a kiss on his neck. You closed your eyes, tired, and took a deep breath in. You missed his scent, his heat, you missed everything about him. 

As you lay in his arms, as the heat from his skin seeped into yours, you finally left alive. You had finally began moving. The sun hadn’t come out yet, but you were already home, with him. 

[fics-of-culture]

Angelic Affections

Requested by anonymous

Gabriel x GN Reader

Summary: When Gabriel’s favorite human gets in an accident, Gabriel is forced to deal with his fear of loosing them as well as his own shortcomings. Slight angst with fluff ending.

Words: 2,876

You hummed softly to yourself as you stood in your room packing up your go bag. Your brother Sammy had stormed into the kitchen abruptly interrupting yours and Dean’s breakfast not 20 minutes ago with a new case. 

“So get this,” Sam said as he stormed in, laptop in hand. “A string of mysterious deaths all revolving around an old, seemingly abandoned house in Nevada.” You groan in frustration, pushing away your half eaten cereal. How hard was it to get a nice morning with your brothers without having to worry about some ghost or ghoul interrupting it? 

“Haunted?” Dean asked, only half paying attention. He took a sip of his coffee, looking awfully comfortable in his robe with his feet propped up on the table the two of you were seated at.

“Seems like it.” Sam replied, scrolling through an article on his laptop. 

“You know the drill,” Dean slowly dragged his legs off of the kitchen table as he stood. “Wheels up in thirty.” 

“You’ve been watching too many procedural cop shows, Dean.” You chime in as you stand up as well, turning to head to your room. Sam chuckled as Dean just scoffed indignantly at you.

“You know I hate that shit.” He muttered to himself. You just send your older brother a shit eating smile before heading out of the kitchen and into your bedroom. 

You turn towards your dresser to pull out a pair of socks when your eye catches on the picture frame resting on top. It’s a polaroid of you and Gabe dressed in terrible matching Christmas sweaters grinning like a couple of dorks in front of a fireplace. You smiled at the memory. Gabe had gotten you a polaroid camera for Christmas last year after you complained that the angels had never had their photos taken before. 

“I don’t see why that is an issue.” Cas had said, as oblivious as ever. The three of you were sitting on a couch in the DeanCave. You sat in between the two angels, body angled to face the befuddled angel.

“Well what if there’s a moment in your life that you never want to forget? It’s like being able to preserve the happiest times in your life.” Cas cocked his head at you as Gabe listened intently. You would’ve expected him to tease you for being so passionate about this, but he seems content just to watch the conversation unfold.

“An angel’s memory does not degrade like human’s do. We have no need for such reminders.” You just groan in frustration as Gabe chuckles beside you.

“That’s not the point, Cas.” Castiel just kept looking at you with that confused expression. You let out a sigh before shaking your head, defeated by Cas’s lack of understanding.

“Good luck with that one, honey. I think Cassy here is a lost cause.” The archangel places his hand on your knee as Cas casts a small glare towards him.

It wasn’t long after that incident that you opened one of your presents during Christmas to find the vintage camera. Upon opening it, Gabriel immediately insisted that the two of you take a photo. You put in the film as Gabe knelt beside you, wrapping his arms around you and pulling you against him.

“Come on! Let’s take the picture already!” Gabriel exclaimed impatiently. He had been hyperactive all morning (You suspected that he had been sneaking Christmas cookies when you weren’t watching) and it was becoming difficult to keep up with him.

“Give me a second! I need to set it up first.” Gabriel simply tugged the camera out of your hands. Truly the angel didn’t have a patient bone in his celestial body. He flicked the camera on and you only had a brief moment to smile at it before the picture was taken. The flash had caught you both by surprise and had you blinking the spots out of your eyes for the next few minutes. But when the picture came out, you couldn’t deny that it was perfect. You had taken several photos of your boys that day, but only that photo had gotten its own frame and a special place upon your dresser. 

Suddenly you feel a presence behind you. A warm breath brushes against the back of your neck and the hairs on your arms stand up. Despite knowing that you should be attacking the intruder, a part of you felt calmed by the presence behind you. So instead you just waited to see what would happen. 

“Whatya lookin’ at there, sugar?” You let out a sigh of relief as you recognized Gabe’s voice whispering in your ear. You can’t help but feel a blush stain your cheeks as you noticed just how close he was standing. You turn around and shove him away from you in retaliation for sneaking up on you. You avoid his eyes as he shoots you a playfully offended look. 

“I was looking at that dorky expression on your face.” You tell him as you gesture to the photo. You continue your task of packing as Gabe picks up the picture frame to take a better look.

“Well excuse me princess, but I see two dorky faces in this picture.” You just rolled your eyes as he shakes the photo in your direction. Focusing back at the task at hand, you bend over your bed to place your socks in your pack. With your back turned to the trickster angel, you miss the way his eyes slide down your form before quickly turning away to place the photo back down. 

“I still don’t see why you wanted that picture taken so badly. I’m pretty sure my hair wasn’t even combed!” You turned to look at your angel. His whiskey colored eyes were crinkled in amusement.

“Does an angel need a reason to want to take a picture with his favorite human?” You playfully rolled your eyes as he said this. It wasn’t a new occurrence, him referring to you as his favorite human. He seemed to work it into every conversation the two of you had, as though he felt the need to subtly remind you how much you meant to him. The two of you hadn’t always been this close. In fact, when the two of you first met, you regarded him mainly with suspicion. This suspicion quickly turned into a deep seated hatred for a time after he forced you to live through your brother dying over and over again. It actually wasn’t until Gabriel gave his life that you started to think that your hatred may have been misplaced. Although you had barely known him, a part of you had mourned your tormenter turned savior. As you had falsely assumed that you would never see him again. Cut to 8 years later when Ketch delivered an incredibly alive Gabriel to you. You had spent the next few days taking care of the broken archangel. For some reason, you were the only one Gabriel would allow to get close to him. Although he refused to speak, you could feel a tension rising between the two of you. It all came to ahead when Asmodeus broke into the bunker and almost killed you. Gabriel miraculously got his mojo back and smited Asmodeus where he stood for even laying a finger on you. You and the newly healed trickster had been “joined at the hip” as Dean puts it ever since.

“Speaking of which, I’ve got my favorite human’s favorite show queued up on my laptop right now. What do you say we snuggle up with some popcorn and lay in bed all day.” You giggle as Gabe wiggles his eyebrows as he steps closer to you.

“Honestly that sounds amazing, but we have a hunt.” Gabe just groans in disappointment before dramatically plopping on your bed. “And after last time, Dean says you’re not allowed to come with us anymore.” You watched as Gabe made himself comfortable on your bed.

“Hey, that wasn’t my fault! You brother just doesn’t have a sense of humor.” You zipped up your pack and picked it up. You looked back at Gabe, noticing the candy bar that miraculously appeared in his hand.

“Just stay out of trouble and we can watch tv when I get back.” Your angel just let out an indignant huff as you placed a kiss on his forehead and headed towards the door. “And no eating in my bed!” You smile softly at the disappointed groan you hear behind you.

“Stay safe, sugar.” You hear him chime out before you walk out.

“I always am.”

-

Gabriel had spent the last week lounging around the bunker waiting for you to get back. Well, lounging and rigging up a few surprises for the boys. But despite the inevitable boredom that comes with staying in one place too long, Gabe couldn’t find it in himself to leave until he saw you. This hunt had come up at the most inopportune moment possible. As well having a good Netflix and chill (Gabe knows you hate it when he says that but he just can’t resist), the archangel had also planned to talk to you that night. Yes, the larger than life angel/trickster had finally worked up the courage to confess his feelings to you. Gabriel’s face scrunches up at the thought. Usually he’d be content to avoid any and all conversations involving feelings, but somehow you managed to wiggle your way under his skin and he needed you to know how much he cared for you. He couldn’t help but care for you after you nursed him back to health. You had seen him at his most vulnerable, and you didn’t leave him or try to take advantage of him. You just sat quietly with him. Taking care of his injuries and pulling out his stitches. It wasn’t until sometime after he was healed that he realized how much he loved you, and how super boned he was for falling for a Winchester. So he planned to confess over tv and snacks, but of course the life of a hunter is never that straightforward. So naturally you were whisked away on a case, leaving Gabe behind to wait impatiently for you to get back. The trickster had actually been setting up a fun little surprise in the moose’s shower when he heard the bunker door slam open.

“Well it’s about time.” Gabriel stated as he appeared before the Winchesters. It wasn’t until that sentence left his lips that he properly surveyed the scene before him. You were being held in Dean’s arms as the two brothers pushed by him without saying a word. It wasn’t the sight of you being carried that jarred him into silence. Hell, it wasn’t even the copious amount of blood covering you and the older Winchester that shocked him. (He had seen you covered in blood on multiple occasions.) It was the way your skin looked pale and cold, as though you were already dead. Somewhere in his mind, it registered that the brothers were headed to the infirmary, but before he could even think to follow, Castiel appeared before him. “What happened?” Cas could faintly hear Gabe ask. At this moment, the archangel Gabriel looked less like a divine being and more like a broken man. Cas had trouble looking into his eyes at that moment. The desperation behind them forcing the guilt to creep slowly back into Castiel’s mind.

“We thought it was just a simple haunting. It turns out a group of demons were using the site to lure hunters. The Winchesters fell right into their trap.” If Gabriel comprehended his brother’s words, he did not show it. For the first time in the hyperactive angel’s life, he just stood there. He did not move, he did not breathe. If a stranger were to look at him, they might mistake him for a statue. Cas continued on. “I managed to heal her in time, but I believe she will need rest.” With that, Gabriel was suddenly moving again. Swiftly turning to head towards the infirmary. He needed to see you. To see for himself that you would be okay. But he was quickly halted by a hand being placed on his shoulder. “I… do not think you should see her like this.” This caused Gabe to snap. 

“And why’s that, Cas? Because you couldn’t protect her? Cause you couldn’t protect my… friend from a couple of rouge demons?” Gabriel was now standing toe to toe with Castiel, angelic energy flooding the room. “You failed her Cas. You don’t get to tell me what I should and should not do.” With that, Cas’s hand slid off Gabe’s shoulder and Gabe flew away towards the infirmary. 

-

Waking up in the infirmary was a… surprise to say the least. Your head ached and your throat was painfully dry. You tried to sit up and call for someone but when you opened your eyes you noticed that the room was empty. Which was an odd sight because usually your brothers would take turns watching over you whenever you got injured. You assumed that something must have happened… until you heard the voices outside. 

“No! You don’t get to storm in here blaming everyone else for your shit!” Dean was shouting at… someone? You couldn’t really tell who or what the conversation was about. It only took you a moment before your questions were answered. 

“Ha! my shit? You’re the one who almost let your sister get killed. Again.” Dean was arguing with Gabriel. Which in itself is not surprising, but it’s very rare that Gabriel truly shows anger during these fights. But you can tell by the way his voice is quivering that he is upset. 

“She’s a hunter,” Dean continues. “This is our job. So no, you do not get to blame me for this when really, you're mad at yourself for not being there to protect her.” The conversation goes quiet after that. You hear a sigh and footsteps walking away. Slowly, the door to the infirmary is pushed open. It’s safe to say that you’ve never seen Gabriel this sullen since he’d gotten his mojo back. His head hangs down to the floor as he quietly shuffles into the room. His eyes are sunken and laced with unshed tears. You’re not quite sure what to say. Luckily, you don’t need to because at that moment, Gabriel lifts his head and meets your gaze. 

“Y/n?” He speaks your name so softly that your heart almost breaks. “How long have you been awake for?” He rushes to sit by your side. 

“A couple of minutes.” You say quietly, your voice still hoarse from disuse. Gabe silently hands you a cup of water that was sitting on the side table. 

“Why didn’t you call anyone?” You took a sip from the cup before handing it back to him. 

“You guys seemed… busy.” Gabriel grimaced a bit as you said this. 

“You heard that?” Gabe sighs as you nod your head in confirmation. He rests his hand on your knee as the two of you sit in silence for a moment. You try to crack a joke to release some of the tension.

“It’s nice to know that you’d care if I died. Sorta assumed you’d be halfway to Vegas right now.” That statement draws a little chuckle out of your angel. 

“You know, I’ll smite you if you ever repeat this to anyone but… Dean was right.” Gabriel fixes his warm eyes on you as he speaks. “I am furious with myself for not being there. You’re my human. I should’ve been there to protect you.” It’s almost jarring to see Gabriel looking this vulnerable. You’re not quite sure what to say. So you don’t say anything. In a moment that catches the both of you off guard, you surge forward to wrap your arms around the broken looking angel. He lifts his arms after a moment to hold you back and you just rest against his chest for a while. Just allowing yourself to be held by your angel. You feel him press a kiss to your head and you sigh in contentment. Despite the soreness of your body, Gabriel’s presence feels like a relief. 

“I love you, you know.” You freeze as you feel him whisper the words into your hair. You draw your head up to look Gabe in the eyes once more. You can tell from the way he’s avoiding your gaze that he’s nervously waiting for your response. You lean in slowly and Gabriel sits frozen, waiting for your next move. You can’t even feel breath coming from him. Slowly, you place a chaste kiss to the corner of his mouth. 

“I love you too.” You whisper back once you pull away. The two of you don’t stay separated for long as the angel pulls you back for a more heated kiss. The two of you break apart after you realize that you desperately need air. Gabe chuckles as you gasp for breath. 

“Well I’ll tell you one thing, honey.” He says as he pulls you flush against him. “You’re never going anywhere without me ever again.”

[empiresmostwanted]

Hi!! From that quote prompts list, a few that stood out for me were “it’s a brutal world” and “what are you humming?” for Rex? Im imaging either a mechanic/civilian reader or a shiny new clone trooper is accompanying the 501st on an off-world mission and they are sitting by the campfire late at night, a little shaken by the battle earlier in the day. Rex notices and goes to comfort them, and perhaps there is a singing motif??

Also! I loved Sabacc Face and im making my way though your other works this weekend 💕

Thank you so much @maulpunk for the prompts 😘

I'm sorry it took me so long to write, work has done a number on me this last week or so. Grrr. But I was happy to get back to writing this, although I must apologise for straying a little from the parameters of the request (it turned out to be a little too angsty for a singing motif, oops). I hope you like it all the same!

(P.S. Thank you so so much, I'm thrilled you liked Sabacc Face. It was a lot of fun to write, I hope it was just as fun to read!)

posted on AO3 | the prompt list | my writing

Words: 1.5k | Warnings: Post-Umbara Arc, Grief/Mourning, Angst (and lots of it, sorry-not-sorry), Emotional Hurt/Comfort, a certain Besalisk's name is briefly mentioned (okay, I am sorry for this one)

GHOSTS IN THE UMBRA

20BBY

☾

CT-0292 couldn't sleep. When he closed his eyes, rounds of blue plasma bolts flashed through the darkness behind his lids. Hands, his own hands, held a DC-15 carbine aloft, and one single finger under his control pressed on the trigger, mowing down the Umbarans in their disguises.

But they hadn't been Umbarans. They'd been his brothers.

A strangled sound escaped him, somewhere between a gasp and a sob that he caught in his throat. His chest ached with the effort to hold it, the urge to release it. And it ached as if his brothers had occupied a place there, the loss of them leaving the muscles of his heart to constrict around empty space.

He blinked away sharp tears, then pushed off the weighted blanket – its presence more suffocating than soothing – and climbed out of his rack. He gathered up the armour stacked in a neat pile from the foot of the bunk's frame and applied it, piece by piece, from foot to neck.

If he couldn't sleep, he might as well be useful. He'd never been very good at keeping still.

Around him, his brothers lay in their cots; some slept, restless, while others remained painfully conscious. From his own squad, only himself, Wil (Private), and Ridge (Private) remained. The others, along with their sergeant, had fallen to General Krell's lightsaber.

All was quiet. And Ridge was nowhere to be seen.

0292 shook his head, lightheaded, the back of his neck prickling. After checking his blaster was fastened to his belt, he tucked his helmet under one arm and crept through the rows of bunks like a ghost, leaving the sterile barracks behind.

For a moment, he stopped outside the blast doors as they sshhed to a close behind him, and took a deep breath. Had he caught the scent of rain and salt water in the air, it might have grounded him; but this planet was as unfamiliar to his nose as it was to his eyes and ears. With the tang of metal in his nostrils and on the tip of his tongue, he set off across the floodlit compound.

Beyond the sensor wall, he spotted the warm glow of a natural fire flickering in the perpetual dusk, its light peeking through the mist and the dense formation of local flora. He frowned. Patrol taking a break, perhaps?

CT-0292 made his way to the airbase's entrance. As he approached the gate, he passed skeletons of Umbaran machinery looming out of the fog, and squads of troopers pacing as silent as wraiths.

The planet was reclaimed, but no one had come out of the campaign unscathed.

At the gate, two troopers bearing the colours of the 212th stood guard, blasters held across their bodies, and faced the darkness beyond. With the sight of their armour came a fresh wave of guilt, at once hot and cold, that settled in the pit of his stomach. He cleared his throat upon approach; one started as if he'd been shot, and the other patted him on the shoulder.

"Easy, trooper," said 0292, holding out a placating hand. "Just passing through, lending a hand to patrol. That them over there?"

They followed the direction of his pointer finger, to the small fire burning gold in the gloom. The one coiled as tightly as he himself nodded, and turned back to him. "They're taking it in turns to sweep the perimeter."

"Thanks." He inclined his head, and stepped over the threshold of the airbase.

As his footsteps tapped a muffled rhythm into the damp earth, the chill air cooled the sheen of sweat on his forehead, and pressed cold fingers to the nape of his neck. With a shiver, he donned his helmet and activated its spot-lamp, before succumbing to Umbara's gloaming.

*

CT-0292 walked through the forest of Zabrak Spines, their bioluminescent ridges reaching towards the sky and cutting through the umbra like angry wounds. The glow of giant red thorns shrouded the woodland in an unsettling pallor.

Every small noise was amplified in the stillness around him: the snapping of twigs beneath the feet of tiny creatures, the whooshing of spectral wings overhead, and what seemed like footsteps somewhere behind him, approaching – but when he looked over his shoulder, there was nothing there. Each sound sent a spike of cortisol through his body, and he tried not to hyperventilate to the beat of his pulse.

The immediate threat from the Umbarans had been neutralised. But he and his brothers had found out the hard way that this shadowy world kept its secrets close.

You're out of the woods when you're out of the woods, his instructor back on Kamino used to say. It had seemed redundant to him then.

"What's that you're humming, trooper?"

He nearly jumped out of his skin. He looked back and came face-to-face – or helmet-to-helmet – with Captain Rex materialising out of the fog, easy to identify by the jaig eyes and the modified armour.

The captain removed his bucket, brow furrowed in concern, and laid a comforting hand on his shoulder. "Relax. I didn't mean to startle you," he said with a smile that did not reach his eyes. "It sounded familiar, the song you were humming."

"I didn't realise I was humming it aloud," the trooper admitted, face heating as Captain Rex fell into step beside him. "I was thinking of my instructor, back at the facility: she smuggled her own radio into Tipoca, and she'd play it for us during downtime. That one was her favourite, I think. I don't know the words, though. Just the tune."

"Ah."

They walked for a way in companionable silence, each lost to their own thoughts. Confronted once more with the familiar face of his brothers, CT-0292 replayed the moment of terrible realisation, and the skirmish with Krell. The Jedi – if one could even call him that – might have been dealt with on a permanent basis, but his reach would extend far beyond his death.

"Couldn't sleep, either?" asked the captain, dragging him out of his own memories.

He shook his head.

Rex sighed. "It's a brutal world out there."

CT-0292 couldn't be sure if he was referring to Umbara, or the entire galaxy. 

"I admit," he began, "I wasn't expecting to kill other people. I've been training to take down and disable battle droids for nearly ten years, and I thought I was ready, but this …"

It didn't even begin to cover the atrocity of slaughtering his own, knowingly or not.

They heard the voices of their brothers before they saw them, hushed and sombre. Upon stepping out of the forest, they found themselves in a small clearing, lit from above by towering plants, incandescent with pink and purple and blue light, and lit from within by a humble campfire. At least ten troopers were gathered around it, talking in lowered voices amongst themselves.

Rex came to a halt on the edge of the clearing, and stopped 0292 with a hand on his arm.

"If it's of any comfort," he said, "every one of us here is feeling the same right now. No campaign is easy, no life lost is worth less. But this mission has taken its toll more than any other. You say you're not ready, but I recognise the blue bird painted on your bucket. I saw you take charge of your squad when Sergeant Jax was killed, and you kept the rest of them alive. There might well be a promotion coming your way."

A promotion. He'd always harboured the hope of making his way up the ranks, proving his worth and ability along the way. Seeing the captain in action, the way he was respected and admired, had only solidified that desire. But he hadn't entered the GAR as a sergeant, or a captain. It had never really occurred to him before now that someone would have to die for him to take their place.

But he nodded, and said, "Thank you, Captain."

"What's your name, trooper?"

"CT-zero-two-ni—"

"Your name, trooper," Rex clarified. The smile on his lips belied the sadness in his eyes.

CT-0292 removed his helmet. "It's Vaughn, sir. My batchmates called me Vaughn."

"Then welcome to the five-oh-first, Private Vaughn. Over there are your brothers. It won't always be easy, but whatever happens, we look out for each other. And I know you barely got to see General Skywalker in action, but I can promise you that he – and Commander Tano – are nothing like Krell. You'll see."

"Thank you, sir."

Captain Rex clapped him on the arm, then strode off across the clearing, towards the campfire. Vaughn followed, kicking up the smell of damp earth and decaying foliage, sickly sweet in his nostrils. He was pleased to see his squadmate, Ridge, among the ranks of troopers around the flames, and another who'd introduced himself as Sterling just one rotation prior.

"Room for two more, boys?"

☽

Thank you so much for staying to the end! Even though I enjoy reading some good ol' angst, it's definitely tricky to write, so it was nice to stretch those muscles for this prompt. Hope you liked it 💜

[massensterben-a]

AGAINST THE DYING OF THE LIGHT || AU

@gepanzrt

“Gott, der Vater, der Sohn und der heilige Geist, geleite dich durch das Dunkel des Todes. Er sei dir gnädig im Gericht und und gebe dir Frieden und ewiges Leben. Amen.”

Fog settles over the hills, that furrowed face of grey stone and windswept weeds. It came rolling from the east with a chill that creeps under doors and down chimneys. Now it springs apart in tufts of heavy washed-out blotches that obscure the landscape, like bleach poured onto a painting. Anorexic trees and gap-toothed lattice fences ward off its oppressive conquest but they, too, will soon be overrun. Couched in the hostile wilderness, the small Silesian village braves the elements. 

It is a rough, rural life here, with low brows and bent backs. There was an uprising, not too long ago, and it has taken many of the men. The trail of blood has not yet dried. The women are forbidding and talk among themselves in their native, uncharted tongue. They cast sideways glances as Bertholdt closes the worn bible and gathers a handful of black wet soil. Their cold anger freezes his spine. He knows, this is accusation. He knows, this is failure. He steps up to the grave, the slim casket, and throws the dirt. 

It does nothing to ease the tension that he speaks German over the body of their robbed daughter. They are Poles now, and wish to be given the demanded consideration. But he does not speak Polish any more than Silesian. The prayer will serve. And even under the yoke of politics and nationaistic tempers, it is not the language that offends them. 

Two weeks ago he and Reiner had arrived in this village, rain-beaten, travel-weary. The mud had clung to their boots and stained the hems of their overcoats. Bertholdt was glad to have arrived, austere as the architecture seems. Life on the road strains him. All of Europe is crying out with phantom pain, clutching at all that has been shot away. She convulses even now, birthing more and more bloodshed in the wake of the War To End All Wars. She must reinvent herself now that she has been torn asunder, pockmarked by trenches and poisoned by mustard gas. And as she is Europe, she must reinvent herself in slaughter. 

But they have not come here to wash their hands clean and remove themselves from gore. A girl, it was said, has taken to acting strangely. Girls, as far as he knows, are bound to act strangely, always half-steeped in the mysticism of their own biology. But this case was a certain one. The poor thing was a wreck when they found her, cowering among the beasts of burdens like a feral child. She spoke horrific otherworldly languages, eyes rolling, dirty fingers clawing at the air. 

Worse, then, that they could for all their efforts do nothing to help her. The itinerant priest glances at the sullen shape of his companion by his side. It was for the best that Bertholdt spoke the words, administered the rites. Lotta Dießler didn’t die under his hands. The exorcism had taken its toll, on both the victim and the priest, but she was much weaker to start with. If they had driven the demon out immediately, without regard for sensibilities, perhaps the girl would live now. But when she, possessed and insane with pain, starved beyond recognition, helmed her attack against them, what could be done but to relieve her of her suffering with some well-placed buckshot? And the demon, that foul specter that all but strangled Bertholdt to death with its vile presence... Who knows where it has fled, what crevices of the earth it has burrowed into? 

Failure digs its teeth in, and shakes. 

He pauses and places a naked hand on Reiner’s shoulder. He looks gaunt in the bleak daylight. A grey tint has swallowed all color in him, muted it beyond the joy of it. Bertholdt can feel his heart quiver under his touch. Finest instrument, most humbling of machinations, it pains the young man to feel its struggling grief. Reiner is afflicted with a terrible condition: hope. Not the human hope that all of them carry, but its grander, brighter brother. He has hope in lost causes, in stilled pulses. It is the kind of hope that demands retribution, that expects it. If he could save the entire world in one fell swoop, Bertholdt does not doubt that he would. This hope is pure, a child’s hope in its extremism, its disdain for compromise. And as such, it hurts tenfold to see it dashed. —No hope for this one, I’m afraid.

“There was nothing we could have done,” He whispers to him, his voice a low pooling in his chest, like a stone in cold water. This is not comfort, only a reminder. “She is released now. Her pain is ended. We must let them mourn. Will you come back to the room with me?”

They must be on their way. 

[pbandjesse]

I am still having a lot of big emotions. But I am home now. I will be back at cam on Sunday, but its something. To be in different clothes. I took a bath. My cat is next to me. Im watching terrible youtube videos. My feel hurt a lot but like. I know I will be in my own bed soon. 

After I finally got my post up last night I tried to sleep but it didn't come easy. I would just pace for a bit. Walked in the park. Some friends came by to see my cabin. It was cute and fun. 

But then I was alone with my thoughts. I didn't like the movies I had still. And what I ended up watching sort of just upset me. And while I did fall asleep, I woke up a few times in tears. It wasn't great. 

I woke up at 530 and I couldn't fall asleep again. I was very tired. But I had so much on my mind and body. So I got up. 

I got washed and dressed. Packed up all my laundry. Tried to remember all the things I should bring home. I thought about everything. I swept the shed. And then went and got breakfast. 

Charolette was there. I talked to her a little but it was hard to not make jokes about the whole thing. I was on the very of anger. I was just so mad at my sister. And that lasted a lot of today. But now thinking about that I have a rock in my stomach. I hate some of the things I said today. Some of the things I thought. But that's where I was. 

I tried to just be honest with people. I was feeling weird. I was going to say weird things. I appreciated the support. But I also felt weird about it. Everyone kept telling me that I could deal with grief however I needed to. But it also felt wrong. I felt wrong. 

So I walked. 

I thought I would walk up to the barn. I was still in my slippers but I still walked in the wet grass. I pet the horses and talked to them. And then wandered down a hiking path. I ended up walking for 40 minutes before I ended up back at the office. 

People were there then, and Ellen brought me a pastry. I got theme stuff ready. And made up boxes. And then Heather sent me to go direct traffic. Lauren ended up coming with me and we talked for like a half hour and it helped. I felt alright. I felt weirdly alright. 

Lauren invited me to go get slushies at lunch. And I was excited about that. And then I headed to art. 

Charlie was there and we worked on our own things and talked about my sister and my feelings. He told me about a Buddist funeral he went too and the way death and mourning was delt with there. It was interesting. A lot about forgiving the other person. And that was eye opening. That I needed to forgive her. 

But I wasn't ready. I was still so mad. I am still mad. But I am trying. 

I would work on my painting. And theme for next week. And getting things ready for next week. 

I went to go talk to Chris about plans for next week. And he let me know some of my supplies came. And so I started taking that up to the shed, when Laurem called out to me to meet her at the dining hall so we could go to 711. Two other specialty boys, Gabe and Kent, came with us too.  

It was fun. I reminded them that it was Cj's birthday so we got her a little cheese cake and a donut that Gabe would go find a candle for. And I got a peach slushie and I liked it a lot. 

We got back and went to lunch. The vegetarian option was al to nicer. And when we surprised Cj and sung to her she was almost crying and it was so sweet. It was just a really nice moment.

Lauren and the other Jessica came with me to the art shed to cut cardboard and talk. I would do some prep and some painting and some cleaning. And then I had my group. 

It went well. I am really glad that the kids have been enjoying my projects so far. And they were fun. I hope that the rest of the summer the enjoy it too. 

After the kids finished helping me set up I painted a little more. And then committed to sitting in my hammock for a half hour. My feet were literally throbbing. They still are. But taking a break was good.

I went to the office after that to check in with Elizabeth about a small project for the teens next week. And then I was put in charge of shirt distribution so I was off to set that up. 

It mostly went well. But one group thought I told them I couldn't have any shirts and they said it on the walkie and Im like. The slander! And then I kept joking that everyone knows that's what Im known for at camp. Making sure the kids have a bad time and get nothing they want. Thats big Jesse energy. 

After the shirt distribution and some cleaning and packing. The day was over. I was on the porch talking and hanging out. Trying to feel normal. 

And we had cupcakes to celebrate the end of the first week. And got some info for how the groups will be laid out. They asked the specialty staff to come in on Sunday to help check in. And I agreed to come in in the afternoon. So that's all good. I will still get some time with James. 

After everyone went home I went up to the art building and finished putting things away. I got my bags and went back to the office to wait for James. I enjoyed talking to Alexi's daughters and goofing around. And then James was there and it was so nice to see them. 

I ordered us dinner. It was going badly because my data is messed up. But it was fine and we got out food even though it was wrong. 

We got back here and I was so happy to see sweetP. We had dinner. And I worked on some stuff for my student loans. 

And then I started taking screen shots. I found every comment I could on my Instagram from my sister. And all our facebook messages. There weren't many of them. I found a few pictures. There weren't many there either. But I printed them all. 

Some of them were things I would have liked to hear at my wedding. About my relationship with James. About her being proud of me. About her loving my art. Supporting me. And that's when the regret set in. 

I started reading the comments from her friends. Being shocked that she's gone. That she was a ride or die and the most loyal friend they could ask for. Someone referred to her as their sister and it made me so mad. I have been mad at her for so long. That she was never my sister. That she was never there for me. That she made so many promises and never held up her end. That I gave up trying with her. But people loved her. They saw good in her. And that hurts in a way I cant explain. 

So I had to stop. I went and took a bath and tried to just get lost in youtube drama. I washed my hair. I felt so dirty. But I feel a little better now. I am hurting emotionally and physically. I am going to try to just take care of myself and be soft tomorrow. I want to go buy some things for camp and the kids. And try to feel okay. 

Now though I need to try to sleep. Take care of yourselves everyone. I hope tomorrow feels easier. 

[rubiesintherough]

​ @emeraude-nobrega

LONG AND RAMBLEY FIREBIRB FACTS INVOLVING HISTORY AND PEOPLE CONNECTING HIM TO DARK MAGIC AND THE DEVIL BC IM A HISTORY NERD  AKA, THE ACCOUNT OF AEDUS BEING ENTIRELY DONE WITH HUMANS AND THEIR SILLY SUPERSTITIONS AND REACTIONS TO THEM:

Aedus was absolutely, repeatedly  accused of being the devil, himself, during the Middle Ages all the way up through to the American Civil War… which tends to happen when you have unusually colored eyes, a charming demeanor… and the habit of catching on fire. During the European witch hunts, he was even accused of being a warlock, having sold his soul. So, they tried burning him at the stake. That worked about as well as you’d expect. He didn’t want to harm anyone, as many of those in the crowd were innocent women and children caught up in this hysteria, so Aedus    ( then, going by the name Aurav )   simply waited until the flames burned through the ropes, freeing him, and he casually strolled away from the terrified and screaming onlookers. Stark naked. And positively miffed that they’d burned one of his favorite shirts.

And that wasn’t the only time. Throughout his years of traveling, Aedus has found that most mortals generally don’t take very well to seeing a man who can ignite himself at will… or who’s most GRIEVOUS wounds heal in a matter of days. During the reign of Bloody Mary, he was, again, burned at the stake. This time, not because he was believed to be a witch, but because he was branded a heretic, spreading wild stories about a history that didn’t align with the current church’s beliefs. That, also, went about as well as you’d expect. Again, he walked away, bemoaning the loss of his clothes and terrifying everyone who attended the execution.

On the other end, people attempted to drown him for witchcraft in Salem. Aedus made the mistake of stopping there just toward the tail end of the trials. Already, the townsfolk were in a panic and treated him with suspicion when he arrived. And, then, some man he got into an argument with accused Aedus of CURSING him and the Phoenix was dragged into the courtroom. Four other people he’d never even laid eyes on testified against him, claiming he’d come to them in dreams and used magic to make them behave strangely. Aedus, of course, denied it. So, he was dragged to the river, bound to rocks, and thrown in to either prove or dismiss their accusations. Well, since he doesn’t need to breathe, the Phoenix remained under there far longer than anyone could hold their breath — almost an hour, before he was dragged back up. Still alive. Of course, this didn’t go over well with the Puritans. Even less so when Aedus had, understandably, had  ENOUGH  and ignited every inch of skin, MELTING the ropes and evaporating every drop of water off of him. The heat got so bad, those who hadn’t already retreated screaming prayers were forced to. They called him the devil. And Aedus, essentially, had to go into hiding for a few years as word of him spread past Salem. But, the story did die out fairly quickly after the trails ended and the town magistrate tried to brush everything under the rug, so to speak.

Throughout his time with Samuel during the Revolutionary War, Aedus did try very hard to hide what he was from the population. It worked, up until Samuel’s death during a particularly brutal battle… then, the Phoenix sought out the man who’d fired that killing shot and burned him to ASH. That  unnatural death  frightened the community, who claimed it was magic. They weren’t entirely wrong.

With the passing of the Land Act in 1804, Aedus moved  West  with a SMALL caravan ( only three wagons ), hoping to find solace after Samuel’s death. Halfway through the journey, a terrible winter storm struck. The wagons sought shelter in a grove of trees along the trail, but that wasn’t enough to keep the cold from taking its toll. Hypothermia, frostbite…. The oxen were in danger of dying, winds whipping through reaching a chill FAR below freezing… so the Phoenix made the decision to reveal what he was. To one of his friends, first, a young woman. She was scared, of course, Confused. But, she understood that he could save them and get them safely through this weather to Oregon. She’s the one who broke the news to the others, and, even though many of them were extremely frightened of him, in their desperation, they accepted his help. He kept them warm. Helped them cook their food. Offered light in the way of flames sprouting from his fingertips whenever needed to help conserve their supply of candles… being unaffected by the cold, himself, he offered all of his clothing to the others, save enough to preserve modesty, for them to layer. He went out hunting and gathering food. For two weeks, he kept them alive, warm, fed, and safe… everyone revered him as something of a guardian angel. Less of the MONSTER  they’d first thought when they’d found out, and more of a miracle from God. They reached their new home, all of them swearing to keep his secret safe as they set up their new lives.

so since aedus is active right now, too, i would like to take this moment to say… if your muse ever needs a place to stay, or someone to look out for them, especially if they’re a lost or scared kid, throw them at this soft-hearted, ancient firebird.   he will 10000% make sure they have food in their belly, a warm and safe place to sleep, will have their back and protect them.   just aedus, y’all.  he’ll open his home to anyone who needs it.  he’ll make them tea or hot cocoa, give them freshly tumbled blankets so they’re warm and cozy.    listen, the amount of kids he’s essential;ly adopted, helped raise, looked out for, cheered for, over the centuries??   i mean for someone who’s scared of being a dad bc of PHOENIX FAMILY DRAMA ™, he sure as hell has that powerful paternal instinct.  will 1000/10  adopt your muse    all you gotta do is throw ‘em his way and he will take them right under his fiery wing    

ME:  considering how much losing people he loves screws him up, could it be another few centuries and this phoenix could possibly snap and grow colder, and begin to distance himself from humanity, just to spare himself from that pain?? ALSO ME: he’s legitimately too soft-hearted and too attached for them for that, so despite the pain, he will continue to integrate himself into humanity and continue to watch those he loves fade and die, mourning them, subjecting himself to that pain willingly… because the alternative is isolation and he already tried that once after samuel died and he wound up on a wagon train west, making new friends, watching them pass, and new friends out on the coast… and watching them fade, too, before he finally moved back. Because even when he actively tries to distance himself he physically can’t, ‘cause he needs that companionship. and not only that, but he recognizes that being around humanity keeps him grounded and helps him be better, improving himself as they improve… and without them, he would truly be lost and stagnant

also, some of aedus’s physical traits, because appearance and tactile senses do play a big part in interactions. especially first meetings ( i.e. things i am totally okay with your muse noticing about him right from the get-go tbh )

GOLDEN EYES:  his irises look a LOT like fire… they’re a lighter gold at the top and darken to almost an ORANGE near the bottom. TEMPERATURE: his skin does feel incredibly warm to the touch, as though he’s constantly suffering from a high fever… this heat can even be felt simply radiating off of him when the fires inside of him flare hotter, such as when he’s angry or upset. ATTIRE:  Aedus is always impeccably dressed. Considering how rich he is from all the money he’s stored away throughout his life  ( a big chunk of it coming from selling items after they’ve become antiques and VERY valuable to collectors. Authentic coins from the Roman Empire, first edition books dating all the way back to the early 19th century, random household items from the homes he kept throughout the Middle Ages, clear up to the American Civil War )    he can definitely afford the BEST tailors his current place of residence has to offer. Not to mention, he does have quite a discerning taste when it comes to fashion. I mean, he worked hard making this body look just how he wanted it… of course he’s going to wear clothes that accentuate it. VOICE: his voice holds traces of accents from all over the world. It’s a little difficult to pinpoint just one… but, I’d say the more prominent ones, most simple to pick out, would be Irish and British. He has a very LOW voice. Keeps his tone very soft and steady for the most part.

random reminder that samuel’s watch is aedus’s most valued possession. it’s the one he usually keeps on his person  ( unless he’s planning on picking a fight with someone, in which case it sits securely in his bedside table’s drawer )    and it’s something he would risk his safety to get back if lost or stolen. it’s the very last shred of samuel that remains… the last physical reminder of the man he loved more than anything in this world, trusted more than anyone else, would readily have married if they’d been granted the chance. aedus will be extremely hesitant to let anyone else touch it, no matter who they are…

[urlocalkpoptrash]

Misguided Ghosts| Im Jaebeom

Jaebeom x Reader | Jackson x Reader.

Genre: Angst/Fluff.

Concept: After a terrible accident, Jae is left in a coma. Five months of hoping for the best, but expecting the worst, you get a mysterious guest.

Warning: Talk of grief, death, and car accidents.

A/N: WOW I AM SAD. I wrote this for @listlessmaenads birthday gift, and I’m sorry it’s late. This story kind of (really) fucked a bitch up. Jaebeom out here making me feel things, rude ass.

- - - - -

“How was work today, Y/N?” Jaebeoms nurse set down a tray of food for you.

In most cases it was the patients that were getting the food, but seeing as the patient had been in a coma for five months, you were the one who received the food. You had become accustomed to the taste of the Luke warm chicken nuggets and corn. It was almost comforting when you had a hard day at work.

“It’s been the same,” and by same, you meant the same sympathetic glances, the gentle pats on the shoulder. People acted like he had already died, that you should be mourning the loss of your fiancé. He was still alive, even if it was with the help of some machines.

“Just keep your head up,” she offered an encouraging flash of her teeth, “when people don’t understand what’s happening, they resort to being overly sympathetic. They think those little gestures will help.”

“I know their intentions are nothing but pure. It doesn’t make it any better, though.” The tip of your spoon scarped against the bottom of your jello container, the red dyed juice splashed over the rim when you dropped the empty plastic onto your table.

The conversation seemed to evaporate into the air as she moved around Jae’s bed. It was quite the elegant dance of checking his vitals, reading over the chart to make sure the day nurse hadn’t left any notes, and adjusting his bedding to make sure his body temperature didn’t drop for any reason.

“He’s all comfortable, and set up for the night. I’ll be back to check in a few hours. If you need anything —,” she stopped mid-sentence when you gave her a knowing smile. It was the same, well rehearsed, script that all nurses told you. Except she actually meant it, “Tell Jacks I said hi,” she teased, all to knowledgeable of the goings on in your life.

You watched as she shut the door behind her, leaving you in the room with Jae. You sat for moment, listening to the steady beat of his heart monitor, and the machine that helped him to breathe. You looked over his face, all the outward wounds had healed, if it wasn’t for his life support, he would have looked like he was just sleeping. Some days, you imagined that he was, you pretended that in a few hours he would wake up, like he had been napping. You knew better though, and make believing only made things worse when he didn’t actually wake up.

You wouldn’t allow yourself to dwell too much on it, or else you’d send yourself into a spiral, so instead you took the doctors suggestion. You reached into your bag, digging around to find the poetry book that sat at the bottom of your purse. “Where were we,” you said softly, flipping the pages till you found your bookmark - a picture of Jae smiling at you from across the table at your favorite restaurant.

You held the book in one hand, your thumb expanding over the middle of the spine, stopping the the pages from folding over on to one another. Your other hand was occupied by your chin resting against your palm, being propped up by the chair you were sitting in, “Okay,” you breathed, peeking over the edge of your book, secretly wishing that one time you did that, his eyes would be open.

“For Katrina’s Sun Dial, by Henry Van Dyke -

Time is too slow for those who wait, too swift for those who fear, too long for those who grieve, too short for those who rejoice, but for those who love, time is Eternity.” The words held no meaning pressed into the paper of your book, but as they hung in the air, you felt the weight of them all to heavy on your chest.

You shook you head, swallowing the lump that had started to build in your throat. It was a sob that you refused to let surface, it was the cry you reserved for the very worst possible outcome, a cry you never hoped to feel. You closed the book, you couldn’t read anymore, afraid that another poem would set you over the edge.

After shoving the book back into your blackhole of a bag, you pulled your legs on to the chair, curling into yourself, wishing you could fill the hole in your chest, the way you crammed your personal belongings into your purse. Your eyelids suddenly felt like they were being dragged down by anchors, and you gladly fell into the welcoming arms of sleep.

You weren’t sure how long you’d been asleep, but you knew it had been awhile, because you could no longer see the sun sinking below the mountains, but you could see the silver sliver of moonlight reflecting off of Jae’s heart monitor. Your eyes surveyed the room, catch a glimpse of Jackson sitting in the corner, the light from his phone illuminating the tip of his nose, and whites of his eyes.

“How long have you been here?” The hoarse sound of your voice shocked you, but even more so it scared the living daylights out of Jackson. His hands fumbling with his phone, almost dropping it on the floor, but he was quick to snap his thighs shut, catching his phone in the crack of his legs.

“Couldn’t you have made a stretching noise like a normal person, letting me know you had woken up,” the breathiness in his voice made you release a sleepy laugh.

“Sorry, next time I’ll make sure to make some noise when I wake up,” he looked over at you with a thankful smile, “Wuss,” you tried to whisper under your breath.

“Hey! I heard that,” he reached back, grabbing the pillow he was using behind his back, chucking it across the room to hit you square in the chest.

“I didn’t say anything,” you tried to lie, but Jackson heard you, and knew you far too well to be able to lie to him.

He snorted, setting his phone on the windowsill. You watched as he pushed himself off the chair, making his way over to you. You knew what he wanted, and to be honest, you needed it.

“Come on, up,” he hooked his hand around your elbow, pulling you up - your bones popping in protest of the new movement.

Once you were standing, not very sturdy, but standing nonetheless, he wrapped you in his arms. His chin rested on the top of your head, and your nose pressing into his chest, taking a deep breath. He did this every time he saw you, at first it drove you crazy, but now it was something you looked forward to.

“Anything new?” He mumbled, moving his chin so he could bury his face in your hair, taking a deep breath. To him, you were the literal meaning of ‘a breath of fresh air.’

“No, nothing…” the same answer for the last five months, and you feared it would always be the only answer.

Since you were so close to his chest, you could hear the faint beating for his heart, and when you responded, his heart rate slowed. His grip on you only tightening, as if he was trying to protect you from the pain.

“You should go home for a little bit. I’ve only been here for about an hour. I’ll be here the rest of the night. If anything happens, you know I’ll call you,” pressing a kiss on to the crown of your head.

“Are you sure? I don’t want to just leave you here alone,” you brought your face up, looking at him.

“I’m not alone. I have lots to tell JB about,” and he was being honest. You had walked into the room many times, to find Jackson at Jae’s bed, one hand on Jae’s arm, talking about his day. You’d even caught him talking about a girl - Jackson always used to tell jae about his girl problems. It turns out he still did.

“I’ll have my phone on loud, don’t hesitate to call me at any time,” you reluctantly pulled away, and he reluctantly lets you go.

You gathered your belongings, Jackson standing at the door with your jacket, “Don’t forget this… again,” he teased, helping you slip it on arm by arm.

“Thank you jacks, for everything.” You pressed a quick kiss on his cheek, walking out of the room.

Jae’s nurse waved at you from the nurses station, giving you a sweet smile. As you entered the elevator, you waved back. You looked up to the red numbers above your head, watching them get lower until you reached the ground floor. You had questioned whether or not you were ready to drive again, but Uber’s would take too long to get to you and then to the hospital if anything were to happen, so you were forced to drive again.

You were lucky, the roads were basically a ghost town. The normal thirty minute drive it took you to get home, was only a cool twenty tonight. When you opened the door, Nora was already at your feet, weaving in and out of your legs, meowing loudly for some attention. You bent down, “Well hello,” you cooed, and she purred in response, pushing her nose against your face.

You always made sure she had plenty of food and water every morning before you left, and your sweet fifteen year old neighbor would come over to give her some much needed attention. You rounded the living room, walking over to the answering machine. You had two new messages, they were both from medical bill collectors, you didn’t pay much attention to them, letting them play out till they were done.

“What should I eat Nora?” You glanced at her, and she nudged your cheek with one of her paws, “Hmm, I don’t know if I want that,” you answered her as if she had responded to you.

Your feet carried you to the kitchen, the second message on the machine was playing in the background as you pulled open the fridge. You’re not sure what you expected, you hadn’t done any grocery shopping in weeks - hell, months. You sighed looking at the carry out containers, and half drank bottled water.

“Looks like I’ll be having sleep for dinner again,” you set Nora down, letting the fridge door close on its own. You pressed the delete button as you walked by the answering machine again, not even bothering to look and make sure you didn’t have any other messages.

The house felt cold without Jae, and no matter how high you turned the heat up or how many blankets you flung around yourself, none of them could ever mimick the warmth that Jaebeom radiated. Maybe it was because it wasn’t his skin that was warm; it was his heart, it was his smile, or the way he laughed at the variety show he had watched a million times, it was in the way he whispered sweetly to Nora. His warmth came from his love.

You leaned against the wall, only inches away from your bedroom, but you weren’t ready to go In there yet. It wasn’t like you hadn’t been in there since he had been in the hospital, but it was just too much of him, without him actually being there. You sank to the floor, pulling your knees to your chest. You were fine all day, you were fine at the hospital, but when you were really and truly alone, you were anything but okay.

“I’m so sorry,” you whispered, brokenly. You couldn’t recognize your own voice, because you were just a fragment of yourself without him. “It should have been me,” the air was starting to feel thicker, harder to fill your lungs with. Your eyes were burning, the tears that spilled over onto your cheek gave you no warning, neither did the choked gasp for air that passed through your lips.

You hid your face in the space of your knees, crying freely, letting the hole in your heart spread throughout your body, swallowing you into an ocean of despair. Your cries coming in waves, pulling you deeper into the current, making it near impossible to find the surface, and you were fine to just sink and never come up for air again. You didn’t want to be in a world where he didn’t exist.

After what seemed like an eternity, your tears started to dry up for the night, you began to believe there wasn’t enough water in your body to support the amount of crying you had done in the last five months. You knew if jae would have seen you this torn up over him, he’d start to hate himself, and for once you thanked god that he wasn’t around to see you like this.

You were barely able to push yourself back up from the floor, little black spots started to plague your vision, which meant you really needed some sleep. Your limbs dragged from the spot you were in, all the way to your bedroom. You didn’t bother to change, or shower. You were exhausted, and the sweet call of sleep was singing your name. You let yourself collapse on the bed, your feet hanging off the edge, but the moment your face met the pillow, you were out.

Another dreamless night - you had stopped dreaming of the accident a couple weeks ago, which gave the opportunity to sleep, and actually find some peace in the darkness behind your eyelids.

You were awake, but you weren’t all that excited to open your eyes and face another day. So you just stayed there, listening to the constant hum of the ceiling fan above, or the water moving through the pipes of your house.

“I know you’re awake, baby.” You froze, every muscle in your body tensing, and your blood running cold. There was someone else in your bed with you, but you swore you would have felt the bed dip. You always did, any time Jae moved, you felt it. There was no way in hell that you would have missed your bed moving.

You thought that maybe if you sat still, and kept pretending to sleep, that it would go away. Possibly you were just having sleep paralysis, it had been years since you had an episode, but it could have been the stress of everything building up.

There was silence again, not even the sound of someone breathing. You tried your hardest to crack you eyelid open in a way that didn’t give away that you were looking around. It was difficult to see, but what you could make out was just your empty room. You took a deep breath, allowing your eyes to finally break open.

Nothing. No one. All alone. You rolled over to your back, you were set on staring at the ceiling for another hour before you were to get up, but out of the corner of your eye you saw a figure laying beside you. You practically flung yourself to the floor with a loud scream. You were ready to run out of your house as fast as possible, escaping whoever this intruder was.

“Oh my god!” The voice called out, before you could see their feet from under the bed. You were frantic, looking for something to protect yourself with.

The foot steps got louder and closer, you were out of idea’s, and without a weapon, so you did what any normal person would do. You curled up in a ball, shielding your face with your hand.

“Take anything you want, just please, don’t hurt me,” your body was trembling with fear, fully expecting your last minutes to be you in the fetal position.

“Hurt you? Y/N…” the voice was smooth, calming. If this was a murderer, they were by far the most comforting murderer out there, “Wait… you can see me? Can you hear me? Y/N, baby, look at me.”

Baby.

You recognized the inflection of the voice, and the way the first B was harsher than the second. You gradually spread your index and middle finger apart. There he was, the tall figure who was standing beside you, kneeled down.

“C-can you see me?” Jaebeoms words stuttered over his tongue.

“Jae?” Your body started to relax. Your knees pulling away from your chest, and your legs extending towards the wall opposite of your head.

“Holy fuck,” he whispered, falling on his butt across from you, “I don’t understand,” he was talking to himself.

You still couldn’t believe what you were seeing. You had to be dreaming, there was no way in hell that he was in here with you, that he was talking to you. You rubbed your eyes, taking a deep breath before opening them again. You fully expected him to be gone, but he was still there, lost in his own thoughts.

“If you’re here… does that mean you’re dead?” The realization started to flood your system with panic. Your cheeks began to heat up, and your eyes burning with the familiar sting of tears.

Your words brought him back to the moment, and he quickly shook his head, “no, baby. I’m not dead. Im just, I don’t know, I’m stuck between here and there.”

“There?” The tears you tried to stop had already started, and now there was no way for you to stop them, they had a mind of their own.

He reached out to touch you, to cup your cheeks and take away the tears, but all you felt was a very minuscule tingle on your cheek, that was gone as fast as it was there. A strangled gasp leaving his mouth agape.

“You can hear me, see me, but we can’t touch,” he looked down at his hand as if it had betrayed him.

You still sat on the floor, wordlessly staring at this version of Jae. You must be going crazy, there was no other explanation. Although you could see the way his lashes brushed over his cheek, or the way his cheeks made his eyes disappear when his nose scrunched. He must have felt you staring at him, because he looked up from his hands.

“Hi…” his voice almost inaudible, and in that moment your felt warm. The constant chill of being alone had diminished, and you figured out that he was really there, he brought the sun back into your dark world.

“Hey,” he watched as you scooted closer to him, the small affectionate action was enough to make him smile.

“I’m sorry I scared you,” His shoulders bounced slightly when he laughed. The sound almost brought you back to tears.

“It’s okay. I just wasn’t expecting you to be there.”

“In all honestly, I wasn’t expecting you to see me. I’ve been here since the third week of being in a coma.”

“So… you’ve just been watching me?” And all at once, you remembered all the times you had broken down, how many times you cursed gods name - because you had to blame someone for this, Jae didn’t deserve this.

As if he was reading your mind, he turned his head to watch you go through all the sleepless nights, the tears, the fits of anger, “I-I felt so useless. I had to sit here, watching you suffer. The nights you would call out my name, as if you were asking me to come home,” his voice broke off, the quietest of crippled gasps left his chest.

You hadn’t even recognized that tears had started to wash over your cheeks, till one lonely drop stopped at your top lip. While you were stuck in that hospital room, watching him, he was stuck in limbo watching you hurt.

“It’s not your fault, you know that. None of this is your fault.” You gestured between the two of you.

“It’s no ones fault,” a lie. It was your fault, and you knew that.

You sat silently, staring at him. What a beautiful man he was. It was never lost on you, just how lucky you were to have him, but since the accident, you’d really realized how much you needed him in your life. You could remember the life you had before him, and it was a life that you never wanted to have to live again.

“Let’s go somewhere,” he piped up, reeling you back into reality, and out of your own thoughts.

“Go somewhere?” The back of your hand dragged across your cheek, wiping away the stray tears.

“Yeah. There’s somewhere I’ve always wanted to take you, but never have. When’s a better time than now?”

“Oh, I don’t know, when you’re not just an apparition of yourself. I think that would probably be peak time to go.”

He snorted loudly, shaking his head. “Only you would complain about the way I spent time with you,” he teased.

“Uh, no. I think most people would find it ridiculous to go somewhere with their fiancés restless soul,” a laugh bubbled from your chest.

“Soul schmoul,” he flicked his hand, dismissing your very logical response.

That’s how you ended up in the car with Jae in your passenger seat, singing along to the radio, while his body was motionless in a hospital bed. Every so often you would have to remind yourself that it wasn’t really him, it wasn’t someone you could hug or kiss.

“Are you paying attention? I don’t want to get lost,” you pout, turning down the radio.

“I know exactly where we are, just keep driving,” and so you did, you just kept driving - silently watching him from the corner of your eye.

You could see his fingers twitch on his thigh, pulling into a fist and extending to smooth out his pants. He was itching for something, like an addict on the search for his next high. It wasn’t until he placed his arm in between the two seats, that you realized what he wanted to do. He wanted to reach out and touch your leg, to feel your skin under his finger tips. He couldn’t though, he couldn’t because he wasn’t really there. It was just another harsh reminder of the reality of the situation.

You’d be lying if you said that it didn’t hurt you. No, it didn’t hurt you, it killed you. Having the man you loved with all your heart, sitting in the passenger seat, and not being able to touch him.

“Your next right,” He jeered his head towards the window, indicating where he wanted you to go.

The trees were heavy, the tops of the branches on each side of the path, reached out touching one another. A sick joke from a god that couldn’t be real. You could catch glimpses of the sky between the crowded greenery. It was less than mile before you hit an opening in the woods.

“Stop. Right here,” he leaned forward, placing his hands on the dashboard.

The car came to a slow stop, the dirt beneath your tires crunched, and your breaks gave out the softest of cries.

“What is this place?” You asked, as you stepped out of the car, using your hip to shut the door.

“It was where I was going to suggest we got married,” you didn’t know, or hear how he got out of the car, you just felt him behind you, “Walk closer to the edge,” he had leaned forward, whispering in your ear.

It was always so stranger to feel chills run down your spine, while a warm breeze wafted over your body, hiding your face behind the tufts of hair that moved in the wind. Your feet carried you closer to the edge of the cliff. The walk way just cut off, and below you was a quiet and still creek, the sun cascading over the land like a blanket.

“Y/N,” he came up beside you, “I brought you up here, because it’s one of my favorite places in this world, a close second to your arms. You’re the only other person I’ve brought here.” His feet shuffled as he sat down, legs dangling over the edge from the knee down.

“You’re my person. I showed you the version of me that wasn’t always happy, I showed you the version of me that no one else gets to see. I showed you the bones in my closet, and instead of running, you grabbed the shovel. You’ve loved me through the days I couldn’t get out of bed, you loved me through the nights that I felt like I had hands around my neck - you filled my lungs with air, you helped me breathe. I will never be able to explain exactly what you’ve done for me, and I’m afraid I’ve run out of time. This was the only time I could say this.”

Wordlessly, you sat beside him. You didn’t know what else you could do, you didn’t know how you could make this better for him. You had so many words, and thoughts in your head, swimming around around your mouth. Your tongue pressing against the back of your teeth, as if they were some form of confinement.

“But I am not your person. I will be gone far sooner than you. You’ll be left without me… I can’t even imagine a world without you, so the thought of leaving you here without me, is torture. But, you will need to move on one day. You’ll fall in love again. Fuck, you might already be falling in love with someone else, and I’m okay with that. I want you to be happy, because you deserve it.” You could hear his voice crumbling. He sounded exactly the way you felt; defeated, broken, and accepting.

“I’m not in love with anyone but you, Jaebeom. There is no one else. There will never be anyone else.” How could he even think this? Even worse, how could he believe it so much so that he was saying it out loud.

“You don’t see it now. I understand why, but you know there is someone else. He’s always loved you, maybe just as much as me. He’s watched you fall apart, all that was left of you was jagged pieces, and he still held you. He took your broken pieces, and held them in his hand - even though they pushed into his skin. He put you together with bandages on his hands.”

Jackson. He was talking about Jackson. Of course, it’s was Jacks. How could you be so oblivious to it? Were you that obtuse to the world around you.

“He talks about you a lot. I can hear him. He tells me all the things about you that he thinks I miss, or things he think I should know. He sees you the same way I do, and that’s how I know he’ll always take care of you. He’ll protect you and keep you safe, even if you never accept him the way you accepted me.”

It was crazy to think, because you know that Jacks never expected anything from you. The thought of asking you to more than friends, never even crossed his mind, because you weren’t his. He’d rather be insufferably in love with you, and deal with it, than not have you in his life.

Hour and hours passed by, you two sat on the ledge, watching the sunset together. Having him sitting there was like having all your memories playing on a constant loop. His smiles reminded you of all the mornings you woke before him to wake him with kisses all over his face. The way the lowering sun caught the tip of his nose reminded you of all the times you would put whipped cream, or frosting on his nose. He could never stay out the kitchen when you baked. His laughter reminded you of the days in the park, dancing to the music of random street musicians. Occasionally, he’d walk over to them and sit beside them, singing along. He looked so in his element. His raw vocals and an acoustic guitar.

“It’s time to go,” he looked up at you, his eyes focusing on your face for some time. He must have been living in the memories of your smile.

“Are you sure?” You knew he wasn’t talking about leaving this place, he meant it was time for him to leave. He was ready to be set free.

“I am.. but can we stop one more place?”

“Of course, Jaebeommie.”

The familiar nickname made his heart squeeze. You called him that often, and now he was regretting all the times he never appreciated it. When he would ignore you when he was in the studio. All the stupid hours of working in songs, when you were in the living room reading, or playing with Nora. All the time he wasted.

The car ride towards the spot of the accident was silent. You tried to stomp your foot, throw a fit. You didn’t want to go there. You only had fleeting minutes with him, and he wanted to take you to the place that was ultimately his demise.

The street lights would move from his knees, over his face as you drove. You could see his chest rise and fall, like there was a heart inside of him. It made him seem so much more realistic. Having you forgetting that he wasn’t actually in the seat next to you.

The closer you got to your destination, the harder you gripped your steering wheel. You were glad that it wasn’t your heart hooked up to a monitor because it felt like it was about to leap out of your chest, and land in his lap.

Your headlight stopped at the tunnel. There was still a large scrap along the concrete from where your car had flipped and slid across the road.

“Why… why couldn’t you have just put on your seatbelt, Jae?” You whispered, head hanging between the arms.

“I asked myself that every time I’ve seen your cry,” he gulped, resting his head against his seat.

You tried to stop them, but your tears had more control over you, than you did of them, “But that wouldn’t have mattered if I would have been paying attention. You’d still be here, and I mean actually here.”

If you closed your eyes tight enough, you could still see the glass of your front windshield shatter, and you hear the sound of your car sliding. God, it was such a terrible sound. Just remembering it made you want you throw up.

“Baby. I need you to open your eyes and look at me,” he shifted in his seat to face you.

Hesitantly you did as he requested. You could taste the tears dripping off your lip and into your mouth. This was really it, and this was the place that took everything from you. There was nothing he could do or say to make you feel any better about it.

“This isn’t your fault,” he began, and you immediately grabbed your car door, pulling it open. You weren’t going to stick around to hear him try and justify what happened.

“You can’t run from me,” he was standing in front of you, before you could even blink your eyes.

“Not fair, you cant use your ghost powers to cut me off,” You sulked.

“I think I just did,” he did what he had set out to do, he stopped you in your tracks, “Look down.”

Without question you did so, and by your foot was a dirty, but still very shiny locket. You had lost your necklace that night, whether it was when the paramedics had to cut your clothes off, or in the middle of the crash. You knelt down, hooking your finger in the chain, letting it hang off down. He had gotten that for you on your second anniversary.

“This isn’t your fault. This was no ones fault. It was an accident, and that’s all. no one could have foreseen the events of that night. You need to stop blaming yourself, because it’ll take you to your grave if you don’t.”

“Is that a promise?”

“Y/N,” he hissed between clenched teeth, “Don’t fucking say that.”

“I’m sorry… I didn’t mean it, I’m just… I don’t know what I’m going to do without you.” The admittance that he was leaving soon, was almost too much to bare.

“You’ll never be without me, baby.” His hand moved across the necklace, letting it swing back and forth, “I’m always going to be right next to your heart.”

“Don’t… Don’t go, please don’t go.” You were thankful that you were already kneeling down, or falling to your knees like you just did would have hurt a lot more.

“I have to. I don’t need to be here anymore. Letting you go was my unfinished business.”

He was now on his knees, face only mere inches away from yours.

“But I’ll never be able to let you go… What about me? Don’t I get a say in this?”

“I love you so much, Y/N. You will always be the love of my life,” you could already feel the warmth that he carried with him, started to slip away.

No, no, no. Here it was, the end of it all. The end of all the ‘I love you’s.’ There would be no more early morning drives to get coffee, there would be no more moon lit dances on your roof, there would be no more him, there would be no more you.

He leaned in, pressing his lips to your forehead. You only knew he did that, because you felt the softest of tingles. He lingered there for a moment, reliving his life in seconds that felt like hours.

Finally he was gone. You couldn’t feel him anymore. All that was left was the necklace in your hand, and the air taken out of your lungs. Your body trembled, as if it was riding itself of the dead weight. A flame flashed over your skin, as if it burned off any remaining pieces of him, turning all his touches to dust.

Your cell phone continued to buzz in your cup holder, Jackson’s name popping up over and over. Buzz. Buzz. Buzz. A scream of pure pain filled the night time air. Buzz. Buzz. Buzz. Begs and pleads to the man you cursed to angrily. Buzz. Bu— Silence.

Two Years Later

You rolled away from Jackson’s grasp to curl into your pillow, eyes heavy with sleep. You loved cuddling with Jacks, but man, that boy could really start to feel like a furnace. Every night you did this, roll away, and yet still manage to wake up with your body tangled with his. He was a magnet.

Jackson must have believed you were asleep, because most nights when you left his side, you were asleep. Not this time though, you were on the brink of sleep and being wide awake.

“Hyung?” Jackson voice was hushed. You could hear the pillow crinkle under his head as he turned to glance over his shoulder, making sure you were still ‘asleep.’

“It’s been a while since I’ve talked to you… and I’m sorry for that. Life has just been so hectic. I just wanted to say I miss you, and I know that y/n misses you too. She still says your name in her sleep, not as much anymore, but on bad days, she’ll call out for you. There’s not much I can do except to hold her.”

You had to use every fiber in your being not to turn around and wrap yourself around Jackson. You wanted to tell him that just because you still called out for Jae some times, didn’t mean that you didn’t love him. It broke your heart thinking that you still said Jae’s names in front of him.

“I don’t mind it though. I know she still loves you, and I would never ever think of taking that away from her. You were everything to her, you still are. I know she loves me too, she shows it all the time, but I’m afraid that I’m not enough for her sometimes. You know? She’s just so incredible. She is kind to everyone on the street, the smiles at little kids, and my parents love her. She’s extraordinary, and I feel way out of her league… but she still loves me. How lucky are we to be loved by someone like that?”

Lucky? You were the lucky one. Most people don’t even have one great love in their life, but you’ve had two - Jaebeom and now Jackson. You’ve been loved unconditionally, and without fear by two men, who could have the world, but decided to make you their world.

“I know you still love her too, and I hope that I can let that live through me, so she never forgets that we love her. I won’t let you down, Jae. I promise.”

A promise he did keep

[thetwistedclocks]

so like,,,, couldn’t focus and did this instead

- time for a hunting trip or patrol or whatever everyone’s there and alive we got the whole gang: arthur, leon, percival, elyan, gwaine, lancelot, and merlin

-this is an au so gwen and lancelot just are together and there was no drama with arthur

- gorgeous day, kinda hot though so they decide to stop for lunch and fuel up

- le bandits sneak up on them, and attack

-everything is just like a typical fight, everybody but merlin is whirling around, doing their thing

-merlin is behind a tree, doing little stuff to make sure no one is wounded badly or killed

-our shining knights wipe everyone out, just a ton of bloody bodies scattered around the clearing except they missed one

-this little rat sneaks up behind merlin and he’s got a knife poised to kill merlin

- arthur yells desperately for merlin to move, he cannot lose him not after morgana, not after his father, no no no 

- merlin whips around to defend himself, but he has no weapons, everyone else is too far away to help, and without thinking he blows the man back twenty feet, where he hits a tree and dies 

- everyone is frozen in place

-merlin slowly turns around to see arthur because oh shit

- arthur says no in a strangled, desperate voice

- arthur’s face contorts and he then starts to scream: how could you, you lying bastard, i trusted you, you were my best friend

- gwaine preemptively moves towards merlin, fearing for merlins safety

- lancelot does the same

-merlin just quietly says im sorry and then whirlwinds out of there but lancelot and gwaine were close enough to get sucked in with him

-the trio lands in a forest pretty far away from camelot, and merlin just curls up into a ball

-gwaine and lancelot look at each other and merlin in shock and have a silently mouthed conversation above merlin’s head

- Gwaine: what the fuck Lancelot: shit ok did you know Gwaine: I kinda had some idea but I never dug too deep into it, did you know? lancelot: yes, he saved my life by killing the griffin with magic Gwaine: so what now Lancelot: I guess we’re fugitives with him now Gwaine: he’s not gonna move for a bit, we need to take care of him until he recovers Lancelot: agreed, lets find shelter for the night

- and they do they just build a fire and make sure merlin’s warm and has some water but he refuses food

-back with arthur the remaining knights suggest going after the trio but arthur shuts them down, hes not letting himself show any emotion

-they ride back to camelot, everyone finds out, gaius is just broken at this cause he cant see merlin or help him anymore, gwen decides to leave camelot without telling anyone to search for her best friend and love, she forgives merlin but wants an explanation, arthur turns in on himself and closes himself off, hes curt and cold, the other knights just dont talk about it though they each slowly forgive the trio over a long period of time

-after a week of no talking, merlin finally speaks to gwaine and lancelot and says: “lets go back home, I can face arthur, and you two can rejoin the knights

-they immediately refuse, saying that they trust and love merlin, and they chose to stay with him

-merlin brings up gwen in hopes to convince at least lancelot but he says its safer for her in camelot and he trusts he’ll see her again someday

-merlin just cant argue anymore, hes tired, and mourning everything he’s lost

-in the morning, they decide well we gotta live somewhere so they figure out where they are, which is western camelot on the very edge at the foot of a mountain range that marks camelot’s border

-they set up a little cabin just outside a nearby village and live their lives

-pretty soon, after occasionally being in the village for supplies, the villagers get suspicious and ask them questions

- they just so happen to catch merlin, who’s a terrible liar, and he blurts out hes a healer

-this village has 0 healers so they start to bring their sick to merlin, who heals them for free, which results in lots of gifts of food and other stuff

-gwaine and lancelot start teaching sword fighting to keep themselves sharp and help out the village

-things are chill like this for a few months

-gwen is still wandering around, learns a bit about magic, and is just traveling through western camelot, hoping to find the trio

-back in camelot, arthur is cracking down on magic

-he isn’t killing people, but anyone found guilty of magic or anything is locked away in these cells uther had made under the regular dungeon out of sorcerers’ bones that contains magic, its like a second purge, just without the executions

-gwen knows this and wants merlin to come back and stop arthur

-lancelot and gwaine slowly gets merlin’s entire story out of him, and see him as a leader now

-merlin is quieter, more reserved, and rarely uses magic at all

-one time this little girl, maybe 10, is brought to merlin wiht a weird set of symptoms

-merlin immediately knows shes developing magic, so he sends the parents away, promising he will heal her, and then he tells her

-she is scared of not being abole to control her new powers but isnt scared of having the magic itself, and tells merlin that her parents are ok with magic too

-the next day he meets with her family, and they discuss it, and eventually, they all decide that he can train her

-so like a few weeks go by of this, and then another person comes to merlin

-this time its an older woman and she wants to learn how to control her magic

-pretty soon merlin is training a lot of people and gets a reputaion

-gwaine and lancelot are worried about how little he sleeps, and how little he talks about the past, they cant help him though

-gwen hears about this village, where magic is celebrated, and finds it

-she arrives, and runs into gwaine, who takes her hand and runs shouting throught the village back to the cottage where lancelot is training 

-happy reunion yay

-she and merlin talk, she gets his full story, and he is just a little happier knowing that she’s there but he also finds out about whats going on in camelot

-in camelot, all of the knights just dont talk to arthur anymore, for fear of his verbal abuse

-hes crushed that gwen is gone too, and feels that he has been abandoned 

-more and more magic users flock to this village until rumors reach all the way back to camelot

-arthur orders a raid, he orders no killing

-he doesn’t lead it, but eventually, 20 knights or so attack the village

- a lot of magic users are taken, and a few people killed in fires set by the knights

-merlin feels responsible and decides that his merry band of misfits needs to be safer and a whole lot more defended

-so he and a majority of the village move into the mountains

-merlin is now the accidental leader of a rebel camp

-its called camp maxia(magic in galcian/gaelic) and its inhabitants maxians

-years go by, as the camp grows with refugee families and those from villages attacked by bandits because the knights are all out looking for magic users and not protecting anybody

-merlin, with his right hands gwaine, lancelot, and gwen run maxia as a safe place for everyone, and he creates a name for himself as lord maxia to protect his real identity

-arthur knows about maxia, obviously, but doesn’t have the forces to take it down

- during this time gwen and lancelot have this huge wedding, very magical, and very nature themed

- so arthur has most knights out around camelot, and morgana knows this, she joins forces with cenred and takes camelot with ease

-arthur, leon, percival, and elyan get out together

-percival suggests going to lord maxia for help, as he’s got quite a sizable force and has been kind to camelot in not attacking them

-arthur immedietly shuts him down 

-they camp outside of the city for about a week, a couple civilians find them and tell arthur whats happening in camelot

-morgana is starving the people and killing those who act up

-arthur still loves his people, more than he hates magic

-so he agrees to go to lord maxia

-arthur, leon, percival, and elyan set out with the few civilians; the knights are each secretly hoping to see merlin at camp maxia, arthur is secretly terrified of that happening

-they’re picked up by a maxia patrol and held in a makeshift cell until lord maxia accepts them into the camp, cause they’re wearing camelot stuff 

-merlin is told of a group from camelot in the cells and knowing of camelot’s state immedietly send gwen and lancelot to meet them

- they expect a few knights and prepare to ask how they can help take back camelot

-when they see its elyan, arthur, leon, and percival they have the civilians released and cared for and sit down to talk to them

-arthur wont look at them, so leon speaks, and talks about whats been happening

-gwen offers maxia’s help, and lancelot says that planning would be a lot easier if they weren’t in a cell, and asks if they want to be processed into camp maxia

-the processing entails a quick truth potion along the lines of veritiserum 

-leon says he couldnt speak for the whole group, so lancelot says its a personal choice

-percival volunteers first, and then the other knights agree to it as well

-arthur is silent, but livid

-the knights are processed, and meet merlin, and for a night they all have a meal together and its almost normal 

-in the morning, merlin goes to see arthur, except he conceals his identity

-they talk, arthur is bitter, merlin is cryptic

-after a few days arthur realizes that in order to help his people he needs to set his anger aside and is processed

-merlin, identity still hidden, administers the test

-under this truth potion, arthur is honest about his views on magic in ways he didnt even realise

-merlin keeps his identity hidden for the planning, much to everyone’s dismay, but they respect his decision

-an attack on camelot is planned

-arthur at this point is slowly trusting knights again, and gwaine, lancelot, and gwen

-they ride for camelot, with camp maxia’s army

-the knights, including lancelot and gwaine, are with arthur and merlin, who’s identity is still hidden

-gwen leads the medical group behind them

-the battle begins, fought by merlin’s men against cenred’s army

-morgana threatens to kill the imprisoned sorcerers 

-arthur and merlin, still hidden, fight their way to the throne room

-its just them and morgana and the sorcerers

-arthur is thrown by morgana into the sorcerers

-then its down to merlin to stop her

-so they fight, a big badass magical fight scene 

-merlins cover is blown, hes hurt, looks like hes losing

-arthur is flipping out because its merlin and he forgot how much he missed him

-merlin is about to be stabbed by a magical bolt from morgana and arthur just screams merlin’s name

-merlin hears this and needs to live so he can talk to arthur so he defeats morgana

-battles over, people are freed

-merlin is chilling on top of the castle when arthur comes up

-they talk, for a long long time

-when they come down, merlin is forgiven, but not trusted, and magic is now not illegal

-merlin is made the court sorcerer, lancelot and gwaine knights, and gwen is a lady too cause she’s married to lancelot

-the foursome is now part of the round table and camp maxia is disbanded, no longer needed, and becomes a city at the foot of the mountains

-the knights can protect villages now

-all is right, except merlin and arthur still have this great distance

-gaius retires and just chills in merlins tower

-one time he’s out doing something important and arthur breaks his leg in training

-hes brought to merlin, who very very quietly asks if he can heal arthur using magic

-arthur agrees, and he sees merlin use good magic for the first time ever 

-this breaks down a barrier

-arthur visits merlin and talks about matters of state

-eventually just his day

-and then he trusts merlin again

-they become best friends once more

-then one night at a ball, merlin is being flirted with by a very attractive knight

-arthur gets really possesive and jealus

-he grabs merlin’s arm and tugs him away, saying something about court matters

-he dragsmerlin back to his room, huffy and angry, not letting go of his arm

-merlin asks what they need to talk about, and he doesn’t get an answer

-next he asks gently whats wrong

-at this point they’re at arthur’s chambers

-there’s no gaurds, they’re at the ball

-he tugs merlin into his room and just glares at him

-merlin is confused and asked what he did wrong, scared to lose arthur again

-arthur just groans and looks away and mumbles something about nothing

-merlin walks over, puts his hand on arthurs back, and says: “well its clearly not, tell me whats going on.”

-arthur just stays quiet

-merlin persists: “arthur please dont shut me out like this”

-arthur suddenly pins merlin to the door

-he just growls, “dont flirt with him”

-merlin is very confused and kinda scared because hes always loved arthur but arthur definitely doesn’t never ever in a million years feel the same way

-he quietly says why not

-arthur just. stares at him. “are you serious?”

-”yes?”

-and arthur just does the whole possesive door kiss thing

-merlin got a light bulb

-a few months later they’re married

-merlin is crowned king

-the end

just, random idea thats been bouncing around. should it be a fic?

[captainjellyart]

id like to know the 'full story' if its not a problem....! if u dont wanna post it here or whatever dont worry tho cause it's understandable!! i hope u feel better super soon, no matter what happened...!

wahh i tried re-uploading the livestream onto dailymotion but it exceeded the upload limit oops ;;

i’ll just try and write the explanation under the cut. its gonna be long af, but i dont wanna leave out any details because i dont want people to take this story the wrong way. (sorry mobile users lol)

TW: animal death.

about a month ago, me and my roommate went and got two baby bearded dragons from a pet store. i was planning on adopting/rescuing an adult one, but we were looking on all the adoption sites, and we calculated that just straight up getting one was cheaper at the time. the particular pet store we went to has a reputation of not taking care of their animals, but it was sort of an impulse trip. (the trip to go get them was impulse, but i have lots of experience with bearded dragons and have been planning on getting one of my own for a while now.)

my roommate got the male, “Spam”, and i got the female, “Vienna”.

we kept them in the same tank for a couple weeks, but we kept an eye on them in case they started showing aggression towards each other. they never did, but we eventually separated them anyway. Spam wasnt eating as well as Vienna, so we fed him separately-- but then Vienna was the one who wasnt eating well, so we tried to feed her separately. Spam got better, but... Vienna didnt.

after a couple days of feeding her through one of my un-used t-shot syringes, one day i burst out crying because i thought she was dying. i called multiple vets, and only one was available asap.

we took her to the emergency vet, and the doctor didnt say we were doing anything wrong in particular. she just said she was in critical condition, and she had less than 50% chance in surviving. she gave us the option of putting her down right then and there, or try to nurse her back to health (which could take weeks). me and katie desperately wanted to help her, so we decided to take her back home with the medical supplies provided by the vet.

this was around the time when i opened up the emergency commissions, because the vet bill was super high. i borrowed money from my brother, and he needed to be paid back asap. for the next couple days, we fed her the prescribed medicine every hour on the hour. we did daily treatments and gave her a ton of TLC.

but,,, when we thought she was finally getting better,,, one day, she slowly passed away in my hands.

i havent felt so much of a failure in a long ass time. i beat myself up for being so stupid as to buy a sickly animal from a pet store which i knew had a bad reputation for carelessly breeding their animals, and i hated the fact that i supported such a corporation. but after a day of sobbing, i came to a conclusion.

the more time i spend mourning over her, the less time i spend saving another family member.

the next day, we held a little funeral with my roommates in our yard. i decorated the box i put her in, and we all had a ceremony in her honor. as soon as we buried her; we all went immediately to get another one.

i didnt talk about any of this publically for a while, and i wasnt planning on doing so, because i know this story story so far can rub some people the wrong way. we absolutely loved and adored Vienna, and we did everything we could to keep her healthy and alive. i mourned and had closure on her behalf, and im still mourning. remember that everyone mourns differently, and i dont want anyone to think i didnt care about her or think im simply replacing her.

now with that out of the way: again-- i wanted to adopt/rescue, and i didnt mind getting an adult. but at this point, we already had a setup for a baby beardie and it was going to be a while before we were able to upgrade. but all the adoption sites didnt have any beardies that were under 1 years old, so i did my research and went to a place where they took wonderful care of their animals.

i asked if there were any older beardies, but the only stock they had were these fresh babies that they just got the day before. i was skeptical on getting one, since i didnt wanna fuck up because baby beardies are super super fragile. but i couldnt leave without one, so we picked one we fell on love with and checked out.

again; i dont want anyone to think that im simply replacing Vienna. but since Vienna lived such a short life, and she came from such a terrible birthplace-- in honor of her struggle, we named this baby after her. thus; this new baby is dubbed “Vienna the II”. i know people are going to think its stupid, but i was already attached to the name and i wanted to try really hard to keep her name and memory alive.

so- in case anyone was wondering why “Vienna” is so much smaller now, and why we call her “the second”-- this is why. keep in mind that every animal we take into our lives; we are 1000% dedicated to keeping for the duration of their lives. they arent just pets, they are family to us. please respect the memory of Vienna the I.

oof, sorry for the sad sob story. if youre wondering why im so inactive online nowadays, its because im having some relapses in depression and im giving as much TLC to my animals as i can at the moment. ill be a little more active soon.

[tenecity]

from haters to lovers; you zhangjing

library! au

cr: @aestheticninepercent

sooooo AFTER MUCH procrastination and wrecking of my brains i tHINK I FOUND SMTH TO HATE ABT zhangjing so here we go

SPECIAL THANKS TO @nine-prcnt @abziyi for GIVING ME THIS IDEA

soooo ure a librarian at yr local library

its like a summer job, just to kill time. plus, there's the aircon so its a perfect job. for the most part

until that one boy decides to come to the library

you knw him

everyone knows him bc he is so loud. its impossible not to notice him.

he comes in n ure alr hella pissed bc

a. he is shouting at the top of the voice

b. his grp of friends r equally noisy its sounds like hell broke loose

c. he is munching on a bag of chips

chips

cHIPS

DO U KNW HOW THOSE THINGS LEAVE CRUMBS EVERYWHERE

THEY GONNA ATTRACT MICE AND COCKROACHES UGHHHHHHHH

if looks cld kill, he wld alr be in the grave.

now, being the nice, polite person u r, u control yr anger and v nicely remind him of the rules.

"if u dont want to abide to them, sir, u r kindly requested to leave"

his doe eyes just look innocently at yrs

and u roll yr eyes, shoving him towards the exit and walk away, huffing in annoyance

but as soon as u turn yr back

THEY COME RIGHT BCK IN

ajjsbsjsjsjsjsjsj THEYRE SO ANNOYING

so u tell them, once again to leave

but his eyes still reflect that same innocence

"will u pls-"

"but i hvnt done anyth wrong." he cuts u off, tone simple, almost hurt

almost

and then u look at him and realise he's right. no potato chips and his friends r hardly making a noise

gritting yr teeth, u stalk off, annoyed tt he caught u off guard

for the next few weeks, he continuously turns up at the library

whether it is to annoy u or actl study and do some serious work, u hve no idea

the only thing u knw, is tt he never shuts up. no matter how many times u tell him to be considerate and be quiet, bc its a goddamn library he never listens. the moment u turn ur bck, his mouth opens again and nonsense sprouts out

how does one speak inccessantly for hours????????

AND THEN oml, one day he comes in and actl requests to be a librarian

yr head librarian finds his bubbly attitude cute so she passes him for the interview

?????okfine but tHEN SHE ATTACHES HIM TO U LIKE A TRAINEE-MENTEE THING GOD WHY

u roll yr eyes as u bring him arnd, showing him the diff sections

ure so focused, u dont even see how bored he is, and how hard he is trying to remember what ure saying.

but, yr words still end up blowing past his ears, not a single word goes in

which is why, he ends up placing the books in wrong sections, messing up everything and you have to clean up the mess every. single. time.

buttttt...... its not like u mind

bc every time he messes up, his sorry brown eyes, pouty lips that spill multiple apologies is enuf to make up for it

him bringing u to eat is a plUS

by the end of summer, u've gained like 7kg

and somehow, between bickering across the bookshelves, between the cup noodles and luncheon meat, between the pages and covers, u gained affection for him

u dont knw how either

i mean, quiet pple hang out with other quiet pple, u knw?

but his loudness is endearing, his constant mistakes make ur stomach hurt as you laugh at his adorable apologetic look.

his chocolate eyes are entrancing, his smile, blinding and completely heart stopping

but it's terrible

he will never like u bck

ure quiet, shy, introverted, cold and not the least bit humourous

ure pretty sure someone like him, wld want a person who is equally bubbly and loud and happy

as the leaves start to float down frm the trees, and the days get colder, u cont yr job as the assistant librarian, zhangjing tagging along, non stop chattering

it seems like he doesnt notice how quiet u've become, hardly even speaking a word now, smiles never exactly meeting the eye

bc the more u look at him, the more u feel yrself tipping over the edge; the more paranoid and upset u get, bc u knw this will b a one sided, impossible love.

that is of course until one day he finally realises theres something wrong

it was in the evening, a break for all the librarians before the next batch comes in at night to study

usually, u wld take this time to rearrange the books and thats exactly what ure doing.

walking down the first aisle whilst pushing the trolley, ure not exactly comprehending what zhangjing is saying as u try to distract yrself by focusing on finding the correct placing for the books.

as u chuck a book bck into its place, u suddenly realise how silent it is.

"zhangjing?" u peer through the gaps of the books, but he's not in the second aisle, like he's supposed to.

panic rising, u urgently call his name as u rush to the other aisle.

"BOO" he whisper-yells into yr ear, his body flushed against yr bck, arms wrapping arnd yr shocked figure.

you turned arnd, ready to b annoyed and roll yr eyes, but the sight before u causes u to freeze

the sunlight falls softly on his features, casting shadows at the all the right angles that emplify his sharp features. his eyes sparkling with cheekiness, his cheeks lightly flushed, his lips pouty and extremely inviting.

you gulp and pull away, but zhangjing's not hving it

he firmly pushes yr shoulders bck, knocking them against the bookshelf, hands planted right next to yr forehead, trapping u between him and the wooden shelf.

"u've been ignoring me."

"no, i hvnt." u swallow hard, looking away, blush creeping up yr neck

"yes u hve. u dont even knw what i was talking abt just now, right?"

ur eyes focus on the floor, neither denying nor acknowledging it.

"what's wrong? why r u ignoring me? did i do smth wrong-"

"zhangjing, u didnt do anything wrong-"

"then why r u ignoring me? i invited u to eat with me thrice last week, and u didnt even accept at least one of them! u hardly pay attention to anything i say, and u hve that mournful look on yr face like someone just died! oh wait shit unless...did someone in yr family pass away? oh shit im so sorry-"

"my family's fine, zhangjing will be quiet for once?"

he opens his mouth again, abt to continue his rant when you decide to seal his lips with yr own

honestly, its a relief to finally cave in to yr desire to shower zhangjing with all the love u hve for him

emotions of the past two seasons flow through yr body and pass through yr lips, conveying the message of "i love u" through that one, light, gentle kiss.

u pull away, face flushed, eyes shyly looking up and they make contact with a shocked zhangjing.

"zhangjing?" a girl's voice travels down the aisle, light and delicate.

he hastily pulls his arms to his side, head turning as he sees his girlfriend at the edge of the aisle.

he looks despairingly, eyes shifting between u and the other girl

the word that passes through yr lips drive a dagger through yr gut, but u maintain the smile on yr face.

"go."

and he goes, causing the invisible string, that once connected the two of you together, to snap, as he walks further and further away; the recoil causing u to stumble bck, tears flowing down yr cheeks in a gentle stream as u nurse the pain deep in yr heart.

[actual-leia-organa]

Huddy ofc but real huddy not the crap david shore huddy

Right @macsturbating apologies first up because you sent this before my trip and I just never sat down and answered it because I’m a lazy shit tbh but now Im trying to write fic and I’m stuck so you get this instead

((Also holy shit it got really long so I’m apologising in advance))

Who said “I love you” first - trick answer. House said it first, but Cuddy was fast asleep and didn’t hear him, and he’d never admit to it anyway, and was shocked at himself for it slipping out. He hadn’t said it since Stacy, but watching Cuddy peacefully sleep, curled up beside him, the words felt like the most natural thing in the word. The first to say it when both of them are awake is Cuddy, after tearing herself up for a week about whether she was ready to say those words and whether House was ready to hear them. Once they were said, he accepted it in his typical Housian way, no “I love you too”- not for a long time. And whilst they both knew the love was there, they weren’t constantly showering “I love you”s on each other, because that’s not how they operate.

Who would have the other’s picture as their phone background - well, Cuddy would want a photo of them as her background, but would fight with herself as to whether that meshes with her ultra-professional-at-all-times appearance. And she’d have pictures of them- the two of them, as well as ‘family’ shots with Rach, filling up her camera roll, and eventually on display in her office, but I don’t think she’d ever have her lockscreen as a personal photo. Ditto with House- he’d think he’d gone soft, and that everyone else would also think he’d gone soft. Plus, the photos on his camera roll would absolutely be like terrible sneak shots of Cuddy asleep and half snoring, or her with smudged make up on a Saturday morning, or that time she split coffee down her blouse when she was running late, and a multitude of photos that would make her squeal House delete that! (Which she also screamed at him after he managed some sneaky lingerie shots, because, well, he’s House) As well as stacks of Rachel selfies when he’d let her play Fruit Ninja on his phone. And instead of having Cuddy/Him + Cuddy/Him + Cuddy + the Spawn as his lockscreen he’d select the absolutely worst photo he had of Cuddy to appear whenever she called him.

Who leaves notes written in fog on the bathroom mirror - well fingerprints make stubborn ass marks on mirrors and windows, so there is no way in hell Cuddy would be doing that. That’s purely a House behaviour, and one she tries to train out of him, because he’d shower and leave some dirty message on her mirror, and once the fog cleared there would be smudges on the mirror and that would be all she could see when doing her make up, and she would guiltily apologise to her cleaner about the “state of the bathroom mirror” but the tables are turned when they’re having some fun in the shower and she leaves handprints on the shower screen. Those she can smirk at, because of the memories with them.

Who buys the other cheesy gifts - more like who steals the other cheesy gifts, because its canon that this is House. Cuddy would stress herself senseless over gifts for him- he’s curated his environment, both at work and at home, and has very particular interests. There’s only so many vintage medical texts you can buy your significant other. She would only do gifts on significant occasions, versus House who would saunter home with a stuffed toy because it reminded me of you or to say sorry for the procedure I’m about to ask for. He would also buy the most amazing gifts for Rachel, to the point where Cuddy would worry he was outright spoiling her, only to realise that was how he would best express affection- he struggled to voice his feelings, was often physically distant, but with gifts he had no issues. On special occasions though he could give a perfect gift- perfectly suited to the receiver, and often a unique or sentimental object.

Who initiated the first kiss - this one’s a double hitter, because there were two “first kisses” in my mind- Michigan and Help Me. And Cuddy instigated them both (get it gurl). Michigan, she’d encountered the blue-eyed enigmatic genius in the bookstore, his eyes burning hers as he scanned her schedule and summed her up in 10 seconds. She’d followed him to endocrinology, he’d followed her to the party, although he’d never admit it. Greg House doesn’t follow girls. He especially doesn’t follow under-grads. But somehow he found himself at the party, where the music was terrible, and too loud, and the beer approaching flat and tepid. But when he caught the swing of her hips as she strolled through the kitchen it suddenly seemed worth it. And when she grabbed his arm on her way past, well, he was a sure thing. He couldn’t even tell you the first song they danced to, he was so entranced by watching her move. The musician in him appreciated how she seemed to just move with the rhythm, but the man in him appreciated how her hips swayed, how her hands felt as they left glancing touches on his arms, how her lips parted as she mouthed the words. But the beat slowed, and there they were, her hands resting on his shoulders as his hands settled on her petite waist. He could definitely tell you this song, its burned into his memory along with every move they made. As Time After Time faded into silence, his hands loosened and slid down to her hips, as her hands laced behind his head and pulled it down, as Cuddy raised up on her toes to press her lips to his. He could taste her cherry gloss, she could taste the cheap beer he’d been downing, but as they both leaned into it suddenly nothing else existed but them. He breathlessly asked her if she wanted to get out of there, and she felt full of daring when she replied “your place or mine?”. That was how they found themselves falling into Cuddy’s bed, half naked with clothes strewn around. And when he didn’t call the next day, Cuddy tried to act like it was nothing, just a casual one night stand, when inside she was mourning all that she’d hoped for. And so the kiss at the end of Help Me was Cuddy giving in, letting college-Cuddy try and realise her dream of a relationship- a real, grown up relationship- with Gregory House. But unlike college, where she roughly grabbed his head and smashed their faces together, this is an older, wiser, more experienced Lisa Cuddy, and as she reaches for his face she smiles softly as he leans into her touch, his stubble gently scratching her palm. She runs her hand through his thinning hair and he willingly lowers to meet her. It’s soft, and mutual, and a little hesitant, as if neither of them can believe they’re truly at this place, but each feeling like the twenty years it took to get there were totally worth it.

Who kisses the other awake in the morning - depends on your definition of morning. House’s sleep schedule is…the opposite of a schedule. He’ll stay awake for 3 days straight on a case, then sleep for 2. He’ll stay awake until 3am reading a journal article, be woken by Cuddy at 5am, then catch catnaps in the clinic. So there’s two answers here. If “morning” is any time after midnight, the answer is House. He’ll sit in the lounge, engrossed in the latest neurology journal, barely tearing his eyes away as Cuddy kisses him goodnight on her way to bed. He’ll finish the article at close to 3am, and slowly limp down the hallway, pausing in the doorway to watch Cuddy sleep, smiling at how she hugs his pillow in his absence. He’ll change for bed, and softly sit, leaning over to gently press a kiss to Cuddy’s lips, feeling her respond as she’s pulled from sleep, wrapping her arms around him and pulling him down to her. Once they settle in together, Cuddy’s alarm will go off at 5am sharp, causing House to groan as Cuddy stretches out like a cat next to him, always turning to gently kiss him, as if apologising for the disturbance. He’ll always respond, but then its anyone’s guess as whether he’ll fully awaken or roll over and snore within seconds.

Who starts tickle fights - House. He discovered in college just how ticklish Lisa Cuddy is, and the adorable giggle she lets out when tickled. He also kinda likes how it feels when she squirms against him and that exasperated “House!” she puffs out whilst trying to fight him. He’ll usually do it when they’ve been settled in together and he feels his distinct brand of boredom set in- which seems it coincide with every time Cuddy wants to relax with a BBC boxset. They’ll be on the couch, cozied up, an hour into the latest period drama, when House would slide his hand down her side and start to tickle just below her ribs. She’d push his hand away with an annoyed huff, but within 5 minutes it would be back, and she’d be giggling and squirming enough for him to get the other side. The only reason it doesn’t become a full out tickle war is that House only has one weak spot- the soles of his feet. And the one time Cuddy tried it she caused his thigh to spasm as he pulled away, making for a very sudden end to their tickle fight, and their entire plan for the evening. He’ll pretend to be ticklish for Rachel though, when she attempts to tickle him by poking at his ribs, something Cuddy is eternally grateful for- she loves when he plays along with Rach.

Who asks who if they can join the other in the shower - well, House would never ask, he’d just barge in. Especially at Cuddy’s house, where the shower is spacious enough for them to get creative. So this one goes to Cuddy, who shyly asks may I join you? the first time she stays the night at his apartment, which he considers slightly ridiculous since they jumped straight into a bath together, and he tells her as much. She snarks back that she was being considerate of his leg since he was still dealing with the aches and pains from crawling around a collapsed building, and heaven forbid she think he mightn’t want an audience whilst attempting to get in and out of the shower, plus its more difficult for two people to shower when its over a bath (he doesn’t to think about how she knows that), but whatever, House, be offended over a simple request. He huffs, slightly annoyed at how she’s already making concessions for his leg (which seems to dig a bit more now that she’s his girlfriend, not just his boss), and sighs fine. come join me. I suppose you can catch me if I slip which triggers their first stupid fight, learning that they don’t hold back the punches when they’re both tired and sore.

Who surprises the other in the middle of the day at work with lunch - Cuddy, bringing House ruebens during the day when he’s caught up with a case and forgets to eat. On the flip side, House will order delivery to Cuddy’s office and wander down to join her when he notices her pulling overtime, coming to give her a break and needle her to come home with him. Wilson feels slightly put out when he realises that Cuddy has suddenly taken over the ‘feed House’ duties, to which House rolls his eyes and sighs, reminding Wilson that he’ll always be required, and he hasn’t been replaced.

Who was nervous and shy on the first date - House and Cuddy love to laugh over how they did everything in the wrong order. They slept together, then Cuddy adopted, then they tried a relationship, all over the course of twenty-plus years. Everything backwards, and no first date. House never asked Cuddy out, or vice versa. Which, when pointed out to them, neither feel the urge to ‘correct’. What they have works for them. They go out to dinner, sometimes driving there in separate cars from the hospital, sometimes just going for a drink, sometimes staying in and ordering take out. But the date that really mattered, the date that felt like a date, the date where a velvet box was burning a hole in House’s pocket, was the one and only time that Gregory House felt nervous. And it showed- Cuddy picked up on it in seconds, which resulted in throwing his whole plan out the window and he ended up proposing on Cuddy’s doorstep, not even making it to the restaurant- and they didn’t make the reservation as all, as once the ring was on Cuddy’s finger she pulled him into the hallway and they barely made it to the bedroom.

Who kills/takes out the spiders - both of them take care of insects. Lisa Cuddy isn’t the kind of woman to scream at the sight of creepy crawlies, and she’s lived alone long enough that she just deals with it herself. Same deal with House, although he has to take his leg into account if he’s going to attempt gymnastics to catch or kill an insect. The only time he’s banned from dealing with insects is when Rach is around, because he’ll catch it and turn it into a biology lesson. It took “and after copulating, the girl rips the boy’s head off, mom!” to implement that rule, with a steely look at House across the dinner table.

Who loudly proclaims their love when drunk - House didn’t need to actually be with Cuddy to announce to a whole hospital that they slept together, and it took Cuddy formally announcing their relationship to HR for anyone to believe him, but strangely House is always quiet about his true feelings, and even more so when it comes to how he feels about Cuddy. Sure, he’ll joke about her ass, and make crude jokes about their sex life, but the day Wilson confronts him with christ, House, you really love her, don’t you he can’t even lift his eyes from the floor as he nods slowly, swallowing heavily as he softly replies more than I’ve ever loved anyone. House quietly proclaims his love, hiding his deep feelings behind his brash and bravado. It’s Cuddy who, after one too many champagnes at the first hospital fundraiser she drags House to, who slurs loud enough for 90% of the attendees to hear, I absholutely love you, Gregry Housh whilst House blushes under his collar at her, stunned that she has no qualms with people knowing she’s chosen him, that she loves him. And as he drives her home, he softly asks, did you mean it Cuddy? Do you really…love me? and she rolls her eyes, as if it’s the most obvious thing in the world, putting her hand on his, meeting his eyes, and almost whispering, with the slight slur of champagne, I love you. It’s taken me twenty years, but I’m here, I’m not going anywhere, and I love you. House leans over to kiss her and is rewarded with a honk from the car behind them as he ignores a green light.

[adambstingus]

Are You The One Season Finale Recap: Just Put Me Out of My Goddamn Misery (PART TWO)

Since everyone bitches and whines about how long my recaps are, I separated them into two parts. Pick up a book, you lazy pieces of shit and read part 1 here >>

Chuck is like, were not going to win so next match ceremony Im picking Britni and everyone is like Chuck and Alec start yelling at each other and having a food fight, which pisses off Alec more because hes a firm believer that you should never waste food.

Alec: WE SHOULD NEVER QUIT Chuck: Eat a dick dude

Chuck goes up to push Alec, which is a huge mistake surfer brah, and Alec shoves Chuck to the ground like hes made of paper. Alec, congrats, your ovaries have officially transformed into a small chode of a penis. Gotta start somewhere.

Britni is like You would shove Chuck, who btw looks like a Ken doll version of the lead singer of AFI, for money?! Thats some shit ONLY poor people would say. Britni, people have done way worse shit for way less money. Read a book, tune into the news, watch Empire (or read my recaps).

Rashida and Devin are like And I agree. I did not sit through 10 weeks of this retarded shit to watch yall give up.

Devin is like If I can get this fresh batch of mentally incapable humans to win this stupid fucking reality show, it would be equivalent to the greatest feat in sports history. Which sport? Speed walking? Turn on ESPN Devin, I fucking dare you.

Zak and Hannah are mourning the fact that they arent a match, and tbh, I am too.

Cheyenne is talking to Devin about how he is disrespectful and is like

Devin: (actual quote) Im a shit head, but not a total shit head. – I honestly dont even need to try and be funny for these recaps, they all say enough stupid shit where I dont even have to try.

THE GAME

Chuck is like, I was hammered last night and said dumb shit and Im going to actually play this thing. Thank god Chuck, otherwise I seriously would have cunt punted you, and your little dog too! (Britni)

The game is the easiest one of the season: its an obstacle course with girls sitting on their back. There is a true/false section, where if the team guesses it right, then they get 30 seconds off their time.

Zak and Kayla are in first, which is crazy because Zak might be the smallest out of all of them. Alec is terrible with this shit and is back to being a giant bitch.

Melanie and Tyler go to the true or false thing, where Mel admits she offered Chuck a threesome, which is a new low.

Kayla and Zak win, being the Italian stallions. Rashida and Devin get second and Mel/Tyler get third because they answered the question right- aka, Mel is a closeted freak.

Stacey is talking to Nelson about how she has no idea who her match is and shes talking so fast I could have sworn it was a Gilmore Girls episode. You can def tell Stacey is fucking hammered in this, but its cool. I love Stacey. And apparently so does Nelson. Okay whatever.

Meanwhile, Alec is flirting with Amanda and Kiki is like WTF. Which is literally her reaction to everything- WTF.

THE DATE

Theyre hanging out on fucking boat that doesnt even have a bar. That sounds like some Life of Pi shit.

Devin and Rashida are flirting and shes like except this shitty white guy with a butt chin.

Zak and Kayla are like you remind me of my family so they must be a match- some fucking Freudian shit right there. Chelsey the aspiring psychologist is probably fucking creaming her pants somewhere in the distance.

Tyler and Melanie are like, were besties and Tyler thinks thats code for match but Mel was like,

THE TRUTH BOOTH

The group makes a smart decision for once ,(they probably all broke out in hives afterwards because we all know they are allergic to brainpower), and send Zak and Kayla to the truth booth. Hannah is like Hannah save the stupid lines for Hunter please, babe.

Zak and Kayla make their way to the truth booth, looking like a set of fraternal twins walking into their grandmas 90th birthday. Not gonna lie, Im stressed right now. Im on bottle number 2 of wine, and shit is REAL rn.

Results are in and- THEYRE A PERFECT MATCH! YAAAAAAASSSS.

Everyone is screaming and jumping while Hannah is like, . Its okay Hanz, its not like these matches are real. Those rules arent even real! They were real that day I wore a vest!

Alec and Kiki are flirting and they are drunk AF and Kiki is like Shes talking about how she got stupid fucking matching bracelets for her perfect match and Im like

Devin is doing his shit math again using red solo cups, I feel like an algebra class is being taught in a frat house. Aka this shit is dumb AF.

They determine there are two scenarios- one where Kiki mtches with Alec, and one where she doesnt. Guess which one best friends forever bracelet Kiki wants?

The decide to use deductive reasoning and rationality.

Jk, they decide to flip a fucking coin. I CANT RIGHT NOW WITH YOU PEOPLE. Hunter is like Here is a quarter and ew, I dont trust anyone who has change offhand like that. Get a fucking debit card, you hillbilly fuck.

Kiki is upset because they get scenario one, but you know if the coin flipped for the scenario she wanted shed be like PERFECT! ITS ALL SETTLED, THIS COIN IS HOLY.

Tyler is like, Fuck your heart Tyler, fuck it. Austin is like WOAH you need to figure this shit out. Like I dont mean to sound aggressive, but if you fuck us all over were probs gonna stab you.

Never did I ever think that the game would rest in Tylers hands. Take a drink to that.

THE FINAL MATCH UP CEREMONY

Devin is like, there is a high possibility we lose- not high, almost definite. But he thinks they chose scenario one for a reason, that reason being a coin flip.

Ryan gives some speech about love and how they need it and its like, save it Ryan. Empire comes on in 20 minutes and I need to get this show on the road.

Austin is first and he picks Britni– basing it off the fact that he wanted a girlfriend who would be a ghost for most of their relationship and they would get together eventually when it was convenient. You know what thats called? A fuckbuddy. You came on a reality show to find a fuckbuddy. May I suggest Tinder next time?

Hunter is next, and Ryan is like, do you all have a strategy? And hes like clearly fate isnt on our side, so we decided to do a coin flip. So, fates not on your side, and you decided to rely on it again? Seems legit.

Ryan is like, And Connor and Chelsey are like

Hunter picks Hannah, which is a weird match but whatever I dont care anymore. Im gonna be honest, this whole season I thought Hunter was secretly gay.

Devin is up next and he picks Rashida. Rashida, girl, I have been praying for you. Clearly I am a sinner because my prayers have not been well received. My b.

Tyler is up next and were all on edge. Hes like I think Melanie is my match truly and this is the biggest plotline he has had all season, so hes rollin with it. Tyler ends up picking Cheyenne, and everyone breathes a sigh of relief.

Alec picks Amanda, and Kiki is like WTF (again). What is she gonna do with her bracelet?!!!!

Nelson picks Stacey and RyDev is like, And shes like, Okay, thatll work. Cant wait for an invite to the wedding.

Chuck is up next and gives an inspiring speech. Well, it would be inspiring if he wasnt talking to a band of idiots who put their fate in a coin toss and if he didnt look like a homeless folk singer.

Chuck picks Melanie. Shes like, well this sucks because well never date because hes still fucking Brittni. Maybe you can get that threesome you wanted, skank.

Kiki is last, and ends up alone, well, because her match is Mike. #tbt to Mike. LOL. She shows those bracelets to Ryan and Ryan tries so hard not to fucking vomit on her. Kiki is like I am not confident at all Mike is my match and honestly, ditto.

The beams and RyDevs dramatic hand motions begin. They get 4 beams, which they have never gotten before, so #progress..They get a 5th, then a 6th, then a 7th. Everyone is on edge as fuck, and I am stunned into complete silence at home. Even my boyfriend, who has migrated out of the room is whispering no fucking way to himself. Idk if he is saying that because hes surprised Im silent for once, or surprised that they just might actually win.

They get 8 OMG, They literally need one more to win the fucking game. Im shaking.

THEY GOT TEN BEAMS! THEY WIN THE FUCKING GAME.

MIRACLES HAPPEN (queue song from The Princess Diaries)

MTV IS THE LAND OF DREAMS

IM CRYING

IM SCREAMING, I FEEL THINGS

Okay, Im back. Wow Im hammered. So its made clear- either MTV is a magical place where miracles prevail, or this shit is staged AF. I mean, we all saw The Hills.

Wow, thats it for this season and this truly unique group of escaped mental patents. Thanks for reading, even though, lets be honest- I made your shitty Thursdays infinitely better. And to the cast who read and tweeted me, thanks for having a thick skin. Low key surprised I havent received a death threat from Britni by now. Good luck existing in the real world, you all are sure gonna need it. And if youre ever in California, come buy me a beer, because god knows I deserve one for putting up with your shit.

div.body_middle_part_right .bodypart:nth-child(n+2), a.prevBody{display: none;}

from All Of Beer http://allofbeer.com/are-you-the-one-season-finale-recap-just-put-me-out-of-my-goddamn-misery-part-two/ from All of Beer https://allofbeercom.tumblr.com/post/178560286887

[thebrushedbalcony]

Sunday Night 8/5

   I suppose I wasn't in the right headspace earlier in the day. I had gone to bed late the night before, I had had one or two small screw-ups that I could write off as not my fault. I had a full 9 hours of sleep before Saturday - and that was after a few short nights. My birthday had been the Thursday before, and I was generally in a good mood during/after. Steven smoked me out at 10, I went to Old Chicago after, and then Tessa and Hoppe came and hung out for just an hour. I suppose at this point, I had been smoking about 6 nights a week for 2 weeks (started right after I lifted my self-imposed ban on not smoking after I closed). 

I guess if im going that far back I might as well take an even broader picture of whats been happening in my life recently. Its been 8 months since I moved out into this house. Eight months since I began easily removing any mental boundaries I had set in stone for myself. Drugs, Sex, language (still gonna hold onto that last one for awhile). Something I haven't nearly done enough soul-searching about is God! I'm worried I have so easily dropped an entire life that had been pointing me towards a life of bible-reading, church-attending, and being the perfect role model. Like Amanda moving in! A year ago I would have been proud to flaunt that I didn't smoke or drink or have even the slightest thought about dirty sex outside of a sanctioned marriage. Now look at me, I'm everything past Ethan liked to believe he was better than everyone else about. I guess thats a long-winded way of saying I'm a big ol' hypocrite! These are the big things I have held onto my whole life - my way of always thinking in the back of my head that I'm "better" than everyone else just a bit. And now its all gone awaaay.

I don't mourn the loss of my "innocence" or whatever tho. These were all my decisions, I thought these all out. Sure half of it was probably my hamster going into overload, but just maybe it wasn't! Some of these christian laws and rules that everyone has to follow don't seem very rooted in solid logic. But wow, maybe thats my hamster again. Spinning in overdrive to make up logical reasons for my stupid decisions. Either way, I've got no regrets! This last night is really pushing that though. Sex was fun, and I'm going to continue to have fun with it during my life. Marijuana is fun! I presume I'll still be getting high for years to come. Maybe. Last night was actual, existential pain like I've never felt before. I was able to fully slide into the victim mentality - first time in my life. But I'll get to that later. I'm not sure who these last two paragraphs are for, but I think that is a pretty good look into my head going into last night. Oh yeah - that’s what the point of all that was! Alright. Back to the story. 

5 grams of weed. That’s how much I helped Josh distill. 30 bucks, if I went to a cheaper dealer. Josh was on TOP of the math, apparently the cup he just poured was one-hundred-freaking-milligrams. Josh and I didn't take that number seriously. Maybe Josh did more, in the back of his mind, but we both knew steven took like, 80mg of the stuff and didn't feel anything! And the "30mg" cookie I took a week or two ago wasn't really that bad anyway. No way this is 100mg. "These edibles ain't shit!" as I drank actually 100mg and sealed my incredibly unforunate fate. Drank it at 8:30, and I could actually feel it really fast. Like within minutes, just a small sense that something was off. In a good way of course, like cool! Getting high already.

First hour was fun. I was already kinda in a daze, having only got 6 hours of sleep the night before. Having fun, music was great and I even pulled out my phone and recorded whatever strange conversation we were having at the time. The other three were pretty hyped about a firepit, I still think its very funny Josh had lived there so many years and had no idea if there was one around still. I was inside, stuck to a chair when I recorded a bit of what was going on in my head. This must have been about 10:15:

"the house is all screwey. Its like every thing I see is instantly as distant as a sharp memory, srrange focal points and strangw perspectives. Im dreaming? Weird nostslgia molding together, in a not normal way. like an old distant life. im lazq ‰) %/"#÷ame. wow, hah This is lucid, but stuck. Its self aware lucid and is all."

It had been a bit over an hour and a half and I was practically in a dream state. Whats strange is all my other experiences with edibles is I don't notice myself getting much higher after 1.5/2 hours. I guess there was just so much weed it kept on being absorbed. Anyway, Amanda came and grabbed me as Josh and Drew were trying to get the fire started. I was having a grand old time, stumbling around and in complete awe as to how I couldn't file anything I was seeing into a clear and defined memory. It still plays out like an extremely vivid dream in my head. None of the wacky dream stuff was happening, like people I didn't know or new settings, but everything had that strange sheen and warped perspective of not really being there. 

I believe it was 10:30/45 when I had to stumble away from the campfire because I had a sudden and very specific feeling that I was going to throw up. I got to my car and realized there was actually a whole lot that was going wrong. I held onto the driver's side of my car for dear life as my reality slowly splintered into anguish. I would have said pain right there, but that wouldn't be right. It wasn't really a sharp bad physical pain, I get a nice dose of that whenever a migraine hits. No this was like, being unplugged from the matrix but the only other option was death. To continue the analogy, I would try and plug myself back in but realized in horror the only thing that defined my existence was a few vague memories from my past when nothing really special happened. That’s all I was, a big ol poser in life with only a false personality given to me by my parents and my church with a few unrelated memories that I pretended tied it all together. It was like my personality and my own being was being broken down to it's pure biology - the entire person I had spent my whole life building up just being ripped away. The worst part is I was locked out of anything that had happened in my brain for the past 10 years. All the dreary foggy terrible memories were from random times when I was growing up, and none of them even had bad emotions attached to them! The horror was them being displayed to me as the only thing that made me a person. It was lifeless, cruel, something was telling me that I've never had any real life, and it was going to rip away every single lie I have told myself since I was born. And all that would be left is a broken and defeated nothing of a living being.

Now, I don't presume to get all spiritual here. That "something" was me, I mean right? I took too much drug, and it went to TOWN and the only thing they had to work with was this brain up here. I'm.... not sure where it came up with all that though. A current working thesis is that... it uncovered something? If marijuana truly only had my brain to work with, it pulled that ugly monster out of SOME deep dark corner. Now I'm sure it completely amplified and morphed this small insecurity into the terrible monster that it became, but nevertheless it was a monster of my own creation. And thats what makes it so terrifying, I was in agony and defeated by MYSELF. Well, plus a buttload of drugs. Hmm, maybe that was it. But Josh and Drew had the same amount! It could be explained away by different tolerances or different mental makeup. Either way, I crossed my boundaries like, WAY far.

Maybe I am overthinking this. I have slowly learned to deal with migraines for the past 10 years - and thats been a huge struggle to fight my body with my mind! Once it hits I can't do anything to stop it. But I've learned to accept it, I ride it out and deal with it - acknowledge that it'll get better eventually. I suppose that is the line of thinking from last night that kept me sane. I knew weed couldn't kill or maim you. You better believe I held onto that thought - that idea like it was my lifeline. 

Anyway I told Amanda where the spare was, I got in my car and laid down eventually. I was glad Josh was there in the car with me for some of the time, as I mentioned earlier I knew I had no qualms putting myself in the "very bad victim" category. Normally I would feel bad Josh had to sit in the car with me for 30+ minutes, but I didn't! I was in so much bad having his slight uncomfort was almost expected. That sounds super selfish and I'm very grateful but thats how it was hah. He grabs me some water, dips inside towards the end so he didn't have to stay out there forever. Eventually I get inside, and onto the couch (around 12:10) and I somehow zoned out until 3. I remember some small conversation, someone passed me some sherbert and I think Amanda made pizza later. I knew I didn't want to sleep on the couch so I went downstairs and stole the bed in the middle of the room. Got about 6 hours, and still felt high when I woke up. And theeen I lazed around all day, took a nap and left and came here at 8. 

So in conclusion. I think I might have got a bit too fanatic about the whole "hidden mental closet" thing, but maybe not. I definitely had a LOT of weed, and it definitly hit me wrong. The next few days will tell if there is anything different in how I...live? mentally? I think even now 48 hours the shock is wearing off. Even typing this it seems like a really vivid dream. I might not have even typed this if Josh hadn't mentioned that I maybe should, that these experiences can fade away. I guess i'm not surprised, my sober mind is probably busy chucking that memory into a trash bag and dragging it down to the landfill!

I guess, with my first few paragraphs being hindsight, I do have a lot of scary thoughts that I don't think about. Who am I really, what are my real boundaries, if I can throw out these big boundaries so easily, who's to say I chuck the baby out with the bathwater and give up on my personality as I've started with! Haha naa, I like what I am. There I said it, I am haappy with who I am. Maybe a bit more sex would help with the self esteem, and a bit more money would be quite welcome as well - but I'm doing alright. I've got my own house, a freaking perfect mini-studio in here, a tired but nice job, and a really awesome friend in Josh. In his parent's freaking fairy-tale house. 2/10 would bad trip again fo sho

[mavwrekmarketing]

Ive been struggling since the election, and now since inauguration, with two questions: First, why does this feel worse than its ever felt before? Second, how can I stop feeling this way?

Why does this feel so awful?

I read a lot of conservative media, and it tells me that Im a sore loser and a snowflake, and everyone I know needs a safe space. We libtards just keep crying and crying and cant get over it.

Well it is true that everyone I know is in terrible pain about this election and now the actions of our 45th president. And it is true, judging from opinion polls, that the 40 to 45 percent of the people who support the president support him just as strongly today as they did two weeks ago despite the travel ban, despite the DeVos nomination, despite the multiple threats issued to our allies. (Many of us fear they support him not despite these things but because of them).

I can live within a framework of such a profound difference of worldview Ive lived through it before. This time, however, it is different. Every comment I see made by those of us terrified by our new president and what he means for the country is met by an equal and opposite comment from those enthralled by the current White House occupant. Those equal and opposite responses take joy in the pain of those on the left. Our national dialogue could now be summed up by Lisa Simpson saying, I am desperately unhappy, and Nelson Muntz pointing and laughing.

A marriage unraveling

Our country, at least politically, has been undergoing a trial separation for nearly 20 years. I would root it in the impeachment of Bill Clinton. My thoughtful conservative friends would tell me Im wrong and the root is the Robert Bork nomination hearings. Both sides would describe the beginning of the separation in basically the same way: this was the point when I realized the other side was in it just to win and had thrown all propriety, all history, all common bond out the window. This is when I realized the other side considered me the enemy.

For at least two decades (three if you want to begin with Bork), we have fought each other pretty intensely, thought ill of each other, said nasty things about each other in public and in private, and (likely most importantly) weve spent less and less time together. If you were a progressive liberal and you could, you likely moved to the nearest urban area. Maybe you even packed your bags and made your way to California (there are a lot more of you here than when I first got here 20 years ago). If you were a conservative, you tended to congregate with other conservatives, either in suburbs, exurbs, rural areas, or the few conservative cities (generally in the South and Southwest).

We chose different neighborhoods, different careers, different friends. The division between us became regional, local, and increasingly racial and gendered.

But we all agreed on one thing: we loved the kid. We have maintained some bond of contact because we love this country. We each have our own way of showing it you conservatives (Ill pretend any of you are actually reading this) talk often of its beauty and its liberty, that it is a shining city on a hill and the land of opportunity. We, in contrast, talk of its inexorable march toward justice and its magnificent history of taking those who rise up and demand their freedom and, eventually, embracing them and making them part of the national character.

Its when the kid doesnt live up to our expectations that we have our fiercest fights.

You think the kid is weak, ineffectual, a baby killer, overly tolerant of the wrong element, riddled with crime and racial divisions that only get worse. You think its factories are falling apart, its competitive edge gone. And you think thats because weve been overly permissive parents.

We think the kid is sometimes an entitled bully; that it uses its power unwisely; that it picks on the weakest here and abroad and that it should instead use its power to protect them and help them up. We think the kid has an incredible capacity for charity and kindness and equality, but youve filled its head with suspicion and superstition and, yes, racism and misogyny.

Underlying this disagreement, though in almost everyone I know has been a belief that eventually we would reconcile. Eventually, our mutual love of the kid would bring us back together. Rushing into each others arms, wed embrace and remember that we love our country, love each other, that we are one people, that the music would swell, and wed live happily ever after. Like the end of La La Land, for 20 years weve dreamed of a world where it all works out.

Pictured Above (L to R): Not the Best Picture of 2016. Its still pretty great! But come on, people! Moonlight!

When in the course of human events

Why am I so sad? Why is everyone I know so sad? Because we still loved you, you jerks. We still wanted to share this country with you, in all of its abundance and glory. We still wanted to do great things together with you to send men and women to Mars, to power our industry through renewable energy, to make peace in the Middle East. We have believed that as a nation, we were on a path a long, inevitable arc bending toward justice and that we were walking down that path with you. And 2016 has killed that ember of hope for many of us. We now see and understand that this trial separation is not a trial for you. It never was. You hate us and you dont want to be with us anymore. More importantly, you will do anything you can to have the kid and keep the kid all to yourselves. And that realization is painful.

This realization one we werent ready for after Florida in 2000 and one that was delayed by our unity after 9/11 requires mourning and processing. Sure, it may even require some crying. But if you think thats the end of the story, wow, have you misunderstood our mutual history.

By electing Donald J. Trump, you have asked us for a divorce. Really, youve demanded it. Why do I say that?

You told us you cared about religious liberty. And then you elected a guy who has pledged to stomp on the religious liberty of our friends and neighbors.

You told us you cared about free markets and integrity. And then you elected a guy who has undisclosed business ties to God-knows-whom and is clearly using the power of his office to alter the free market. Hes literally tanked stock prices of companies with tweets! This is so counter to everything you ever said you wanted, we cant quite wrap our heads around it.

You told us you were humiliated by Bill Clinton getting a blow job in the White House and that it demeaned our country. Then you elected a guy who bragged about grabbing women by the pussy and who was accused of rape by his ex-wife. We cant comprehend this.

You told us you cared about the military and its traditions and that we were awful parents because we didnt care enough. And then you elected a guy who disparaged prisoners of war (a group so hallowed in this country, theres a special flag) and who regularly said our military is a disaster.

You told us that you are suspicious of the imperial presidency and executive actions unchecked by congress. This was the unforgivable sin of that Obama guy we loved so much. And then you elected a guy who is wreaking havoc with executive actions that are poorly constructed and poorly communicated. In response to the chaos of his travel ban order, his approval ratings havent budged among conservatives.

You told us that it was all about states rights and municipalities ability to make their own decisions. Youve been telling us that since you guys were Democrats (under Jefferson) and we were Federalists (under Adams); the federal authority is too great and the states must have autonomy, you said! And then you elected a guy who declares he might send the national guard into one of our great metropolises, threatens to defund states that dont support his immigration policies, and declares he will pull federal funding from a university because it didnt allow some alt-right pipsqueak to speak (it did, but thats not the topic for this conversation).

You spent years venerating Ronald Reagan, who called the Soviets the evil empire and particularly had a big problem with the KGB and what it did to its people. He also spoke quite a lot about tearing down walls and not building them. And then you elect a guy who can do nothing but praise the former KGB agent heading Russia, who says hes going to build a wall, and who appears to have deep and shady connections into Russia. Or maybe he doesnt! But you seem unconcerned with even the possibility.

You elected him, and now that hes acting this way, youre still supporting him! We expected truly, deep down, no lie that once he began to behave like the bullying emperor we suspected he would be, the sort you always accused Obama of being, you would begin to pull your support. We so wanted to believe it. But his approval rating is 89% among Republicans. You like how hes acting. And from this we can only conclude

You hate us now more than you love the kid.

You hate us now more than you love your own beliefs and values.

You hate us so much that you would side with Russia, you would abandon your principles, you would do anything to defeat us and watch us roil.

We can only conclude that it is precisely our unhappiness with the president that makes you happy. And if that is the case, you dont dream of ever working with us. You dont dream of ever reconciling. You dream of defeating us. You dream of humiliating us.

What do we do now?

In any divorce, you have a set of choices. One of them, of course, is to fake your own death and run away to another country. That is not an option I believe we should contemplate.

Generally, people have amicable divorces or contested divorces. When amicable, they seek counsel that mediates disputes and looks for win-win solutions. When contested, they seek leg-breaking lawyers who will do everything to maximize the outcome for their client, including seeking sole custody.

It is not an option for us to go our separate ways completely because we share the kid. Thus, our previous hopes for reconciliation. Lately, I think we have hoped that a win-win, mediated, shared custody approach was possible if we were to end this marriage. What is clear now is that for years the Republicans have been making use of the kind of leg-breaking, stop-at-nothing attorneys we have been loathe to employ. Theyve been kicking our asses in court while we kept hoping we could work this out.

No more.

So now a custody battle

The election of 2016 could have been a fluke. A goof. An accident. No one thought he would win. It could have even brought us together. If the #NeverTrump movement on your side (Im going to go back to pretending any Republicans are reading this) had taken blossom and you bounced this clown upon his inauguration, I can promise you, we would have come running into your arms. It would have been a great moment of reconciliation. You cannot (apparently) imagine how much we would have loved the Republican party if it ejected this unfit yahoo. A new era of compromise would have been possible. We could have worked with Pence and Ryan.

Instead, you have revealed that you would rather win than care for the kid we both love. So now is when it turns really ugly.

You think were snowflakes? You think were just going to give up and let you take the country away? Thats incredible.

There are some numbskulls on the left talking about secession. As Sam Houston of Texas said on the matter in the 1860s, The federal Constitution, the federal Government, and its starry flag are glorious heritages bequeathed to the South and all sections of our common country by the valor and patriotism of Washington, and all the brave revolutionary soldiers, who fought for and won American independence. This is our country and our government and there is not a chance in hell were going to let you have it by leaving even if that were legally possible (which it isnt, numbskulls).

Were the ones who have marched for this country. Were the ones who have taken blows to the head, been killed, hit with water hoses and blasted with water cannons, fought and bled to protect this country from the likes of its current president. If you think were snowflakes, you better prepare for the blizzard coming your way.

When you see us out in the streets, thats not a bunch of liberals crying. Those arent melting snowflakes who need a hug and a safe space. Thats the inevitable march of some people who loved you and are now very, very pissed off.

Were going to organize every last living voter in every neighborhood in this country. Were taking you to the ballot box.

Were going to be out in the streets opposing every last thing you do from now until we can unwind the coil you have around this countrys throat. We will confront you with the truth about what youre doing to this country and we will not relent.

Were going to hire the nastiest, toughest, smartest, leg-breakinest lawyers in the country. Were taking you to court.

To my countrymen and women with broken hearts…

This is a terribly sad time for us. And now we have to let go of one kind of hope and take hold of another.

Let us recognize, there are two groups who gave this lecherous villain and his malevolent brood the keys to the White House:

First, there is a group of our countrymen who hate us. They are the rank and file of the Republican Party, and they want to destroy us. They will not rest until they take every lever of power away from us, annihilating any compromise in the government. They can show this isnt true at any time through their actions and have failed to do so over and over.

Second, there is a group of our fellow citizens who are scared, hurt, and angry. They feel abandoned by the government both Democrat and Republican and theyve made common cause with these thugs because they hope it will bring them jobs and safety.

Its time that we put aside reconciliation with the former and fight them tooth and nail on behalf of ourselves and the latter.

The Republicans who have given themselves over to hatred will laugh at us. They will mock us. And eventually, they will lose. It will start two years from now at mid-terms, then four years, then six.

We could have had a divorce with shared custody. Not anymore. Were taking the kid.

They have undone our desire to share this country with them. They have dismantled our liberal desire to be reasonable and see their side of things. They have done it by endangering our children and our future. They have done it by putting their anger at us ahead of their professed love of country, and that is the one thing we can never forgive.

(This piece originally appeared on Medium.)

Related…

Understanding Trump Voters

What Do Trump Voters Want?

Read more: http://ift.tt/2lL5ONb

    The post Donald Trump’s Presidency Finalizes Our National Divorce appeared first on MavWrek Marketing by Jason

http://ift.tt/2l3KPWR