#its been a fucked up brain time realizing im not even fucking mentally ill in a relatable way lmfaooooooo

[pupkou]

i’m literally going to **** ******

[jacobied]

.

[patchiko]

Arkham Knight Relationship HCS !! <3

( light nsfw, mostly SFW tho!! )

literally my wife ( i made this pic idc abt creds i just wanna talk abt it)

SFW !! <3

dying on this hill when i say basically any red hood would be soo yummy with a civilian or just someone who is extremely balanced.

im a red hood needs more fucking normalcy in his life TRUTHER.

relationship starts off slow, romantic and platonic, you need to be patient with him long enough for him to get over his mental dilemmas to feel ANY-TYPE of way towards you.

more then like 6 months lets be real yall

his way of bonding is quality time. ill die on this hill, especially at the start of the relationship. Nothing huge maybe just spending a couple extra minutes around you before leaving.

next is probably gift giving, esp with early relations, probably just gonna order you food or put fifty bucks on your countertop. you dont even notice until you realize you find a fifty around the last place he was standing. expect deliveries from R.H whenever he feels bad for something.

doesn't like being around for too long, feels like he's messing up something. ruining your day by keeping you up late (he was there for fifteen minutes), ruining your mood, (there was an awkward silence for like 30 seconds.)

not a overly conscious thought process though, he feels physically he isn’t supposed to be there. for whatever subconscious thing he picked up on, a awkward silence, or hes been there 15 minutes too long or something

well sometimes he'll mentally beat himself up.

he spirals a lot, needs someone to pull him out of that.

i think when he needs to be grounded, its not just comfort its making him feel alive in the present moment. he's never gonna truly forget about his traumas but maybe for just an hour or two; running around an arcade, walking around the city. just making him feel normal, yeah you BAGGED his ass quick.

he needs someone patient, really patient, someone whos very attentive and empathetic. (but not a complete push- over def needs someone to set him in line still)

i think if you move to quickly, he'll get super snappy and ghosting you,, ong put ur hands on him too early and he's left hooking you.

yeah you're waking up and the first thing your hearing is "Its been 12 years..."

second thing you hear is "you've been in a coma for.. 12 years."

third thing you're hearing is, " we think a bus hit you...”

obviously not touchy, even when he is settling down. hes just not sure how to .. or where to .. or why he wants too.

please his mental gymnastics get so crazy, just sit down with him and put on some silly ass movie so he stops

when he’s settled he cant pry himself off you though.

a lot of his expressions can definitely be told by his body language, naturally hes tense but theres certain habits he has when he's maybe thinking too much, or fustrated/irritated.

but he does all of the same for you, comfort, love, as much as he can he tries

Very attentive, has a mental list of 'shit you do when somethings wrong' or 'shit you like.'

doesn't consciously make any of these mental list, he just knows.

"didnt they say they liked this?" He pauses "shit ill just leave it at their window."

so he's like canonically smart as shit.

you have too much work from your boss or professor? hand it over its done in less then two hours.

literally buys you groceries and pays your bills (fucking lover boy.)

arkham knight finally figuring out how to ask for a hug (hes been dead silent for 5 minutes) (link) <— insta reel

HES A CHEM/HISTORY NERD FOR SURE

NSFW !! <3

probably- A FUCKING VIRGIN !! HES A NERD !! GETS AWKARD AS SHIT. WITH RAGING COMMITMENT AND TRUST ISSUES !! (will still die4you tho)

AGAIN, not in a "my soft squishe potato always been scared of sex" way but in a ‘oh my god hes so unsocialized’ way.

yall ever see a big ass dog just..standing.. literally him (hes dissociating)

genuinely dont believe that when he was arkham/training to be, he was sexually or romantically involved with anyone. the last thing that was on his mind was actually pursuing a sexual or romantic relationship.

along with his trauma, he just wasn’t comfortable with any of that.

ghosted so many people..

couldn’t flirt for more then five minutes, just stopped feeling it or got uncomfortable .

I AM ANTI ARKHAM KNIGHT BEING A SEX GOD

not that he’s horribly awkward, but he’s noticeably a bit more quiet for first times.

ofc this man has watched porn n’ shit but hes smart enough to know thats not what its really like.

he’ll still figure it, what makes you tic, what you love, what makes you most comfortable.

kinda shitty at dirty talk, just makes him buffer.

he gets better at it tho, too damn good

gets so snarky and confident about it too uuhgrr

late relationships hes smirking and chatting your ears off cause you know hes gettin you turnt.

he has a love-hate relationship with his scars. 95% they remind him of his past, but 5% hes alright with them because they’ve shown what hes been through.

deep, deep, deep, deep, deep down, he knows hes fine as fuck. TRUST YALL.

again, super observant and attentive. really pays attention to what you enjoy.

I genuinely don’t believe hes into super hardcore/painful kinks or anything.

Sex for him is definitely a way of showing his trust and intimacy with someone!! Let him show you how much he loves you and how much he wants to make you feel good! Do the same to him !!

mmm tell him how good hes doing and hes a absolute mess!!

praise him! PRAISE HIM *im yelling from the hospital bed im strapped down on*

wouldn’t let you ride for awhile, but once he’s comfortable with it ,, he’s actually obsessed.

cant see him bottoming , just wouldn’t be comfortable with it

my brain is getting messy so im stopping here! feedback and comments would be cool if you wanna drop some!

[gravytrainnaturebornn]

the power of self-talk in the fight against self-sabotage (for binge-eaters and ppl who have never been skinny🫶)

disclaimer: this is not proana. this is for people who struggle with binge eating as a form of self-sabotage, emotional comfort, self harm, etc. overeating can cause just as much harm physically and mentally as undereating. please be safe. now, on with the show!

weight loss, but specifically extreme weight loss, equals change. change equals discomfort, so people tend to subconsciously avoid change. this is why starting to see progress on the scale or your body can trigger the urge to self-sabotage that progress and binge eat.

for people who have been big their whole lives, that fear is heightened by the fact that being thin is completely uncharted territory. by following through, youre entering a new world that youve never navigated before. your brain might get scared, say its much too big a mountain to climb, and tell you to give up. its easier to say fuck it because for most people, unhappiness is a comfort zone. if youre used to hating your body and wanting it to change, then actually *changing* it poses a very serious threat to your comfort and the lifestyle youre used to.

questions like: "what if i reach my goal and im still unhappy/unattractive?" "what if i dont look like myself?" "what if i reach my goal, cant sustain it, and then i gain it all back and humiliate myself?" can all make someone feel anxious about succeeding in their weight loss journey. and for people with overeating issues, this is a big trigger for binge episodes.

so how do you combat this instinct to self sabotage? well, im not a psychologist so take this with a grain of salt, but for me it helps to soothe these subconscious fears and train the brain to fight these urges. self-talk and thought-correction play a HUGE role in rewiring the pathways in your brain that lead you to bingeing. truly, practice and consistency are the only things that are going to cause a big change, so stick with it !

correcting problematic thoughts *immediately* when they form is key to preventing problematic behavior in the future, and that starts with being able to identify those thoughts. the moment you catch yourself thinking about food, cut yourself off with a correction. maybe even think about food on purpose a few times to practice recognizing and correcting it.

for example, if you just ate an hour ago, chances are youre not actually hungry yet. tell yourself that as soon as you realize youre thinking about food. i like to tell myself "i dont need to eat, and im not gonna sabotage myself by eating that." by acknowledging it and calling it what it is--literally an attack, by my brain, on my own progress--i immediately attach a sense of accountability to the actions that follow. there's no deniability. its no longer a passive choice. theres no mindless eating or "i wasnt thinking about it." if i eat after acknowledging the act of eating as self-sabotage, then that is me *actively* choosing self-sabotage over self-control. accountability alone can change a lot if you let it.

what i tell myself changes depending on the situation, but i find that repeating some of these phrases throughout the day helps to fight urges in general, and certain ones help for specific cravings and situations.

below are some examples of things i tell myself that have helped me fight the urge to self sabotage. they dont all have to be true when you first say them, the point is training your brain to think a certain way. it may feel unnatural at first, but the more you say them the more natural it becomes, until eventually it becomes apart of the way you actually think and you dont have to work so hard at it. remember: consistency. is. key.

okay ill stop blabbing! here:

•i allow myself to be thin.

•i accept the change that comes with losing weight.

•i am ready to see myself differently and cope with any complicated feelings that may come with it.

•i am prepared for my body to change.

•i will deal with my wardrobe when the time comes, and im not afraid of dressing differently for my new body.

•i will adjust to my new dietary needs and appetite when i reach my goal weight. i will not always be hungry; eating less will be my new normal, and i will be okay.

•i am not afraid of being hungry.

•food does not comfort me, nor does it solve my problems or make me feel better.

•i am ready to navigate a life that looks different to the one im living now.

•i am not afraid of reaching my goal. if i do feel afraid, i am confident in my ability to work through difficult feelings and continue towards my goal.

•im not going to sabotage myself by eating that.

•i accept that people will perceive me differently, and i am ready to navigate that change.

•i am prepared to receive comments about my weight loss.

•i am not afraid of getting what i want.

•i believe i deserve what i want, and im dedicated to working towards getting it.

•i am capable of adapting to new routines and habits.

•fear is not a reason to give up, and i will continue to work even if the possibility of change makes me uneasy.

•i am prepared to face the future, even though i do not know what it looks like.

•i allow myself to make mistakes, and i will not use them as an excuse to quit.

•my long-term satisfaction is more important than what i want in this moment.

•i am in control of my actions and i am capable of resisting the urge to binge.

•i allow myself to have the body i desire.

•i allow myself to change.

•i allow my life to look different and i am not afraid to see a new person in the mirror.

•i am excited to reach my goal, and prepared to navigate any changes that come with it.

•i am ready to meet and introduce others to the new me.

[compassionatereminders]

i guess you could call this a vent or whatever but im going to tell you about something that has been making me crazy lately

so when i was like 3 i took a serious blunt force blow to the forehead. our house had hardwood floors and my brother had left a sock on the floor and i slipped on it and hit my head on the rounded corner of our oak coffee table. it left an inch long open wound and i was completely dazed and unresponsive, but conscious.

here is where i start getting frustrated. my mom didnt call 911 or take me to the ER, she took me to our family pediatrician. already really questionable imo but it gets worse. so ive got this gaping hole in my forehead and im unresponsive right? so what do they do? sew my forehead shut right there in the pediatricians office while i watched. didnt give me any anaesthetic or anything because i was, again, completely unresponsive.

then my mom was like "okay you arent bleeding anymore, can i leave now so i can go see the play i wanted to see?" but at this point im screaming and crying because im a toddler with fucking brain damage and a stitched wound that still hurts.

so she just took me home and that was that. and then for months afterwords she couldnt get me to wake up in the morning so she stuffed my limp body into my school clothes herself and took me to preschool half asleep. and then nobody ever spoke about it again except to make jokes.

its been two decades and i am only now realizing that ive had serious brain damage the whole time. my mom and brother have been shaming and belittling me for years for displaying symptoms of the brain damage that they gave me. my mom calls me a fucking spaz and my brother is pissed because he thinks i get "special treatment" instead of realizing that i need more help because he gave me brain damage. its like the final puzzle piece that explains why my life is such a mess.

and im just so overwhelmed by the fact that my mom and brother are directly responsible for the immense suffering ive endured over the past 20 years. all my health problems, the mental illness, the inability to avoid being abused, its all because of the brain damage. and they keep making fun of me for it. im not even mad im just. horrified. the sheer negligence of it all makes me sick. how many people like me are out there suffering from old brain injuries they didnt realize they had?

its like my brain cant even comprehend how fucked up the whole situation is. which is why im here telling it to you in the hopes that you will agree that its very bad 🙃

This is abuse and neglect on a level that no one and nothing could ever justify and I am so, so sorry that this happened to you. You deserved SO much better! ❤️

[jennilah]

I think i started to follow you bc of tiny!cas, like eons ago, let me tell you seeing you get into different fandoms over the years has been a delight.

I remember seeing post of you going like 'hey these slasher film kinda go hard' and look at you know.

I mean this in the best way possible, I feel i've been watching a house plant grow, every now and then catching my attention and being amazed by the changes

omg thats such a sweet way of describing my... well happy autism awareness day everyone, its a nice way of describing the way i naturally transition through my Special Interests lmfao

actually, for the holiday, let me infodump about this very aspect of my brain to anyone who isnt aware how this works for me. (also every autistic person is different, so this is just how this symptom manifests in me)

ill say "phases" to simplify, though thats an unfair word because it implies im "over" my past phases. 99% of my past phases are pretty much there for life, but in the back of my mind. (So long as I didnt have a "bad breakup" with it for some reason, which is rare but happens) The ability to become a raving lunatic about it is dormant until someone asks the right question.

There can only be one interest (sometimes 2, with one being the less dominant one) at the forefront of my brain at a time, though. that defines the "phase".

so for example, my recent Halloween phase is "over" and I am 100% fully into Saw now, but I still absolutely love Halloween and Michael and Jason and all those guys. as evident by me still happily sharing gifsets and art and buying merch etc if it tickles my fancy. They're just hanging out in the background of my mental display case.

yea whoever follows my tumblr for a very long time has watched it happen in realtime. the transition between interests. i know for a fact which phase I started this blog on. if you're here from the beginning, youve seen, in order:

-Durarara!! -Deus Ex -Supernatural -Godzilla -Detroit: Become Human -There was like a few weeks where it was HLVRAI -And then it was plants. There was a year-long stretch with no Special Interest and I was latching onto odd things (and I was very inactive here) -Halloween & Friday the 13th -and now, Saw

I have many other things I love, but they don't clamp around my brain in quite the same extreme way.

my phases can last any amount of time, anywhere from a few short intense months to 5+ years, its completely random, completely unpredictable. even the interest itself is impossible to predict. its not something i choose, its something that happens to me.

sometimes i avoid watching things for a long time because im still very emotionally attached to my current phase and im genuinely afraid the shiny new thing will replace it. all art or fic ideas for the previous phase? theyll be abandoned. all I will want to create will be related to the new thing. (though I will sometimes draw it anyway, like digging up old toys to play with once in a while. The likelihood just drops considerably)

which is why right now i pretty much put a pause on the other franchises I plan on watching. I'm genuinely gripping onto Saw like someone is tryin to take it from me.

and then sometimes im like "haha yeah right. ill be fine. ill eat my shoe if my brain latches to this" and then put on the movie and by the credits roll im a new person (yes thats what happened with Saw. I really had no idea.)

this is also why im terrified of even just "checking out" things that have, like, a toxic fanbase or something, because i cant stop a new phase from happening if it does. and its really hard to keep it to myself, fuck

(do u know how mad i was when i realized i was attaching to hoffman the evil dirty cop??? i was so scared of drawing him, dudes. but thankfully everyones been cool abt it and we're all very aware of his awfulness & we have fun w it)

and every time my brain changes and i do get obsessed with some new thing, i get really scared and worried and hope I dont bother everyone who followed me for something else :(((( and yet, every time, im absolutely floored by how many people choose to tolerate my newest nonsense and stick around anyway

anyway ive lost the plot of what point i was making here OH YEAH thank you!

tl;dr: that would be the autism! thank you, it WILL happen again! that is a threat! 🥰

[plural-culture-is]

i fear that i may be a system in denial or something along those lines.

for years of my life, ive struggled with three voices in my head, dissociation, derealization, depersonalization, way-too-over-the-top delusions, hallucinations here and there, and never feeling like who im supposed to be. a few months ago, i thought that it could have to do with undiagnosed schizophrenia or some type of schizo-related disorder (because of the delusions and hallucinations). but recently, ive noticed that these things are all getting worse.

there are more voices. its no longer just the three. and i feel like i should know these voices, even though i dont. they're still strangers to me.

my struggles with dissociation, derealization, and depersonalization have gotten worse---especially the derealization and depersonalization.

my main delusion has been growing stronger and stronger, becoming more and more severe. (though the strength of it tends to vary, so...)

nothing's gone on with the hallucinations. at least, i dont think so. i haven't been paying attention.

and my feelings of never feeling "right" or "correct" have gotten so much stronger. i cant go ten minutes without thinking, is this who i really am? am i faking who i am? if im faking my identity, who am i really? why dont i know who i truly am? will i ever learn who i truly am? am i the only one who cant figure out who they are? why do i never feel like im my true self? why do i always faking who i am? how do i act like my true self? does my true self even exist at this point? and et cetera.

i dont think im a system. i dont want to be a system. i dont want to be plural. i already struggle enough with my neurodevelopmental and physical disabilities. i already struggle enough my mental health and with trauma. i dont need the struggles of having did or osdd or something related. i dont want the struggles, either.

but the more and more i research did for my system character in one of my books, i find more that i can relate to. as i mentioned earlier, i used to think that i might be schizophrenic due to my delusions and hallucinations. but just the other day as i was doing more research about did for my character, i found out that its possible for systems and plurals to often struggle with those things. and my brain went down a deep rabbit hole, like, well fuck shit balls, could i possibly be plural? did my trauma fuck me up that much???

as i went down that rabbit hole, i realized that i dont remember a lot of my childhood. i remember a few specific memories, most of which are either traumatic or just funny memories that ive told as stories numerous times. other than that, i know next to nothing. i also have times where i cant remember shit about anything. my name, my age, my address, what schools ive gone to, what school i go to now, what i did ten hours ago, what i did five seconds ago, et cetera. ive also noticed that im constantly remembering those things wrong. "how old are you?" someone could ask. "im thirteen years old," ill say, then correct myself, "no, wait, im x years old." ive even said that im seven years old when im in fact much older than that. people could ask me, "what's your name?" and ill answer with something that's not my name. could be a nickname from school, a nickname from the many summer camps ive gone to, my pen name for my books, or a random name in general. and there are so many examples that i could give.

back to my doing research stuff for my character, i was going through one website when i found an infographic. it was a simple thing; just five common symptoms of dissociative identity disorder. it listed...

~ inability to remember large portions of your childhood

~ out-of-body experiences, hallucinations, and/or flashbacks

~ suicidal thoughts or self-harm

~ differences in handwriting and changing levels of functioning

~ episodes of memory loss

if i dont experience them now, ive experienced all of them before. the first one, i just mentioned. the second one happens all of the fucking time. the third one happens on a daily basis. the first half of the fourth i haven't really noticed, but the second half is very true. and i just talked about the fifth one.

i dont know if i just have some type of dissociative disorder or im just crazy. but i cant get it out of my head that i might be a system or a system in early development. (dont really know how to explain what i mean by "in early development," but ill try to: what i mean is that im in the early developing stages where dissociation starts happening frequently and alters start forming, but switches arent possible yet.) that or ive been forcing myself---if i am plural and in denial---to act like a normal person, just like ive been doing with autism and adhd.

do you have any advice on how to figure out if im a system or not??? i dont have access to a therapist or psychologist due to my parents not believing in mental illness and things like that.

sorry, we've just stopped accepting am I plural asks, so this one goes out to the public

also, here's our resources for questioning systems

[nickolox]

((( long ramble post)))

trying to figure wtf is going on with your own mental health without the help of a professional + having a mental illness that already fucks with the way you perceive things (ocd) is genuine hell

like, I HAVE a psychiatrist, but he's fucking. awful and always puts medications first over like, figuring out what the fuck is going on

and everything about this whole procedure just feels like, off???

tldr: local man questions if he has The Dissociative Disorder™ whilst being simultaneously given red herrings and blatantly obvious eye opening signals at the same time, and has the same realizations 30 times over because i am in a constant cycle of denial, forgetting and then rediscovering this bullshit

so to put it in a nutshell most of my psychiatrist discussions about the big disorderly things go like this:

psych: so what are you experiencing me: i keep like, having these massive gaps in my memory, where i have no idea what happened or what i did or anythign for hours and hours at a time, and i looked up what that means and its apparently called dissociating? what does that mean? psych: right, that's a stress response. me: yeah, That makes sense. But I've also been unable to remember major events like my sister's wedding or my graduation... psych: well... obviously you were just anxious lol me: *remembers the photos i have as the only proof i have that those events happened, and im smiling in all of them* maybe?? i mean, it didn't seem like that was the case. psych: (completely ignores that) hmmm. okay. anyways- me: also I've been hearing voices??? psych: where? externally or internally? me: internally psych: (visible relief) oh thank god i was concerned it was schizophrenia for a moment, having an internal dialogue is normal :) me: i can't control the voices though, and they don't sound like my own voice in my mind. they're distinct, and it's not like my OCD either. psych: that's normal, sometimes people just imagine things ^_^

so, it was "anxiety" the first time, came back. told him this shit is still happening, and then he blamed it on my medications, and now i'm on a new set, which i suppose needed to happen anyways?

But like, he told me that brain fog and memory loss are a thing with prozac (what i was taking before) and i was like "huh no one told me that" to which he said "well no one says the full list of side effects because no one would want to take the meds otherwise"

i get home, i look up the fucking manual that comes with prozac when you go on it for the first time, and no where. NOWHERE. is this shit on that list of side effects. i look up a list of the side effects, dozens of sites, NOTHING!!!!

I speak with my bestie and he reminds me that,

I dealt with these problems prior to going on medication (something i didnt even remember, lol)

it has literally nothing to do with anxiety bc he himself has crippling anxiety and deals with none of the shit i do

i'm going to shit bricks dude what the fuck is wrong with my stupid brain, it feels like such a wild challenge compared to when i found out about my OCD, like, dude at least with that bitch it was consistent, it was 24/7. as shit as that was at least I knew it was always there, always there to be a bitch, but undeniable none the less.

This current mystery disorder is like, oooOOOooo i'm going to be here SOME OF THE TIME!!! to make you DOUBT it exists!!! and im sitting here like, is this a symptom or is this my ocd fucking with me bro

i feel like i might have some kind of dissociative disorder, but the problem I'm having is that it's not CONSISTENT??? like, some days I'll be like yeah this is the dream and then other days I cannot physically do anything, remember jack shit, feel like my soul is leaving my fucking body all god damn day?

why do people always talk about alters too, it's like, the one thing I don't experience, or at least, the one thing that's rare enough to not hinder me like the actual dissociation problems.

I feel like I can't be certain, and that sets my OCD off, because my brain goes "what if we're faking- what if you're overreacting" which in turn makes me go. insane. I am going insane.

there is sooo much more i could say, but i just realized it;s half past midnight. I should um. probably go to bed.

Goodnight.

[sapphosdickandballs]

arcane mutual!! hiii hi friend!!

do you ever think about the fact that everyone in vis life before caitlyn that she's ever loved has been torn apart from her or has grown to hate her because YESTERDAY i had this realization with some caitvi poll of "who would say i love you first?" AND I JUST WANT TO SAY

vi would have so much neurotic anxiety over loosing cait even fucking though she loves her so much!! like everyone in her life before cait that she's loved has been lost and like here cait is with such gentleness that OF COURSE vi loves her.

i mean obviously caitlyn says it to her first and holy shit vi gets anxious as hell. but she says it back and like after??? oh, in my head, she's SUCH (and i mean suchhhh) a softie?!! like shes that mf that will constantly say "i love you" to cait because yk deep down that anxiety of loosing her is still pressing. even with what they've gone through together and so she says it so much because she doesnt KNOW when shes gonna say it the last time.

of course that time never comes but ITS THE VISION. i worded this so much better yesterday :( but i cant stop thinking about this entire concept??? i deeply want to write caitvi fluff but also like a 5 in 1 of this concept of like "the five people vi loved and lost and the one person that stayed"

i havent come up with a drilled down concept but im literally frothing at the mouth thinking about the sisters and vi taking care of powder as kids before vander and their parents' death. like something angsty like "the first time vi held powder in her arms she had said that she loved her" like yippee. oof ow ouch.

sorry for the long ass brain dump but i NEEDED to share that. i should write it tbh.

(im sorry i sound chaotic and mentally ill LMAO)

anyway.... thoughts????????

I’m obsessed with this that’s so good. I love reading the like “the people that did this and the person that did that” type stories I’m frothing at the mouth for all of them honestly.

You should write it! It’s a sick idea! Also the hi arcane mutual and then “do you ever think about how everyone vi loves has left her” made me laugh cause the whiplashhhh

but liek your so right Caitlyn would say it first cause I feel like she’s not worried about rejection. Her life is charmed she would just expect vi to say it back

yeah thank you for spreading your brain rot /pos :3

[moss-sprouted]

this got stupidly long but

something sucks about realizing like

yeah ive had maybe only a handful of real friends who didnt keep me around for sexual gratification in some way as a teen/adult let alone friends that have stuck around without that aspect

and then also realizing that its my fault, i got the most attention from people flirting with me or being sexual with me and didnt know how else to make friends anymore, and now im completely unable to make friends organically except maybe a rare person in a group who doesnt desire me sexually at all, of which i have kept maybe one of those as someone consistent and important in my life

and now i have no idea how to talk to people, or feel loved or appreciated without feeling like i have to give some part of me away to earn it, which is made harder by being sex repulsed and having more and more mounting dysphoria

and now im kind of just stuck like this, in my late twenties, with one person who i care very deeply about and talk to everyday and am very grateful for so i dont want anyone to take this as complaining- but having lost one of the only other people i felt the same for and felt safe with, only for it to be gone for a couple boundaries i put up regarding sex

especially someone i could receive affection and romantic attention in a way i didnt get from anywhere else, but apparently it wasnt okay to hope for that without sex when it had always been reassured it was

im in such an annoying trap where i want to be close to someone like that again but have no idea how to meet people without them coming to me to flirt or ask for nudes, and then i feel like the flirting actually means something and get attached only for it to either be not that deep Or they dont want to "put up" with who i am as an actual person

and i think im just doomed to eventually be completely alone again and have to just, go back to begging for attention by showing my body when i am absolutely unable to feel comfortable with it most of the time like i was used to, but i dont think i ever really felt full sexual attraction right off the bat with people i was just lonely, and often only start to have feelings for people when they express it first, maybe thats genuinely how it works naturally in my brain or just a consequence of grooming/trauma/etc and being mentally ill, who can say

i just dont know how im suppossed to build a support system or more friends or people to have in my life when most anyone i Think i have just blatantly dont reply to me, or are only interested in sex really, or just are nonexistent

how the fuck do people actually approach having friends when it feels like everyone else completely hates them other than what they can provide for them, and i have such imposter syndrome i dont even know HOW to reach out to someone and have a conversation, especially with how much you have to make known to them about your life when youve had friends you know for years just up and abandon you and now just have to start over

how do you keep living when youre completely stuck in this horrific loop of being so easily discardable

[emagnetizm]

Shit I felt despair today, like, im just so panicked cause i relapsed last night and drank again this morning and now i dont have any booze and i feel so fucked and I'm just so afraid that ill never be able to stop and that Ill die to alcohol, like its not even a suicide thing, I want to live but staying sober seems impossible and I just want to drink so much.... Like how tf am I supposed to live like this???? I feel calmer now but for like a monent I felt I was destined to die in a ditch and god I just, I cant do this alone, I cant keep on living like this, constantly quitting and relapsing and every time it gets worse and I just feel like my days are numbered because of alcoholism and my other addictions and like .. its not fair! I want to live.... but fuck being sober long term seems unfathomable to my fucking brain. Im considering going back on weed just because atleast that shit dont put me in mortal danger and fucks my health like alcohol does... but im so tired of being high and doing nothing and I cant even fucking get a job. And now in realizing that maybe the worst of my addiction is yet to come and im so scared and fuck why was I born this way?!????? Like there is so much fucking alcoholism in my family on both sides and like wtf... I didnt choose to be this way... I didnt chose to inherit this fucking curse. I didnt choose to have a drunk dad that made me live in fear all my life and fucked up my mental health irreparably... I just wish I could scoop out the part of my brain that makes me an addict. Like Ive been trying to get sober for like four years now 😭

I try to remain hopeful but jesus fuck im like on a sinking ship and I just keep pouring more water into it and I cant stop.

I wanna believe im strong and that Ill be able to overcome this, but its just so horrible. Like honestly, i feel like I make progress but the regress keeps getting worse. I need help I need help and Im gonna go back to AA, but I just need to vent because Addiction is a fucking curse and its a horrible way to live

[ghoulangerlee]

lil vent under the thing im just havin a rough time rn

i am so burnt out in general. everything is happening and im p sure my increased heartrate these past couple of weeks have been solely because i am Stressed Out.

i fucked up several days ago at work, full on switched two numbers on an invoice and sent the invoice to the client thinking it was 100% right. he paid it and then while im putting it in I realize immediately that i'd fucked up and he paid about 540 dollars less than what his invoice actually was.

the second i noticed it was like oh my god ive fucked up. surely this is the end of my job here. surely that means ive gotta go job hunting again even though my bosses are good people.

i contacted the client and got it straightened out, he's gonna pay the difference, we had a little laugh about it because he understands human error and is a pretty good guy.

but i still felt so fucking bad because i know my brain has been fucky lately there's just so much going on and im so tired all the time and i feel like i need a vacation or a break from work but i can't take time off because if i dont have a paycheck then bills go unpaid. im saving the only two vacation days i have left for the summer so ill be prepared to take two days off (day of surgery and day after) and have those covered, before moving into working from home.

there's SO MUCH going on in my brain and it won't slow down or stop or just let me freaking rest for a little bit.

if im not worried about money, im worried about my own health, or im worried about my kid, or im worried about keeping the apartment clean. and its just so much for my brain to handle.

i can almost feel myself getting close to shutting down! lmao i love not being able to cope with things.

i want to do fun things but i have neither the time nor the money nor the mental capacity to do that so instead i just exist. vaguely.

augh ):

[brokenmachinemusings]

tw suicide talk i guess. rare moment where i actually talk about whats going on in my brain. nothing serious this is mostly kept as casual writing.

honestly the only reasons im even alive rn are 1. hoping for a liberation in this world & that everyone is free, wish to possibly live until then (and. hopefully helping w a small change in the world.) 2. mass of the fermenting dregs concert in march (the bigger reason i havent offed myself tbh) (i forgot about this and then got reminded of it and it was just around when i was contemplating how to die. then once i remembered im now in the mindset of I Must Get It Over With This Month At Least.)

erm. when i was younger i had the whole “i have to live until 18!!!!” shtick which was also part of why i didnt kill myself back then. i dont believe in that anymore especially because i am approaching 18 but. food for thought? i guess???? this is the type of joke i would crack and people just stare at me like they saw a ghost. maybe i am a ghost.

this topic is. Really casual to me (in the context of myself) and im not sure if its because. im mentally ill. im a system. simply that i hate this world and dont want to live in it. something else. all of the above. or whatever. eh

part of me wants to drop out already and just rot away but at the same time i know thats just a traumatized part☝️ i know what u are. he has been trying to sabotage us for years and hes actyally cool just that. persecutor shit can rly fuck with ur psyche. also gets us lagging behind on our schoolwork. sighs.

that said there has also been a lot of persecutors fronting lately. or persecutor-adjacent parts? not sure. whatever. not like it matters much. ill shut up now im just trying to digest my thoughts and emotions. been “numb-crying” recently which is a really weird thing to experience. (basically when u start crying because of emotions but its not proper crying more like something leaking out. like a faucet that is damaged. and u dont feel anything either. except the overwhelming vortex of ur mind. and a burning tear on ur face or two. maybe not even realizing ur crying until later on. which might just be emotional amnesia.) ya know

im also wondering if this is Too Much to share with the internet, or well Tumblr Dot Com but. i didnt share anything dangerous per se and nothing that triggers me so i should be fine🤔 just saying if someone responds to this with “kys” ill just laugh in your face and block you or something. lolza. ok bye 4 now

[frostbite-the-bat]

goofy ass ms paint werewolf eating a mango as a divider between the rant under this bc i do not wish to be precieved rn but i still wanna rant some thoughts out

random lovely guzma urge to delyeet everythin on myne site bc not only did i make it for petz things back when i was active between petz folks and got some encouragement there and ended up never finishing petz things for it, but i also feel horrible and uncommited for it being hosted and made on weebly and for bein too lazy to yeet my shit over to neocities just cause that shit gives me a headache and instead of getting inspired by people i feel jealous and unwelcome

also been working on my sleep schedule its a bit better now and im like. better in general now..? idk how long i can keep this up but getting up early makes me just. so tired like all day urgh i do not understand how i used to keep myself up when this tired. tired tired. brain empty. hard to do shit for long. defo needs more breaks but i swear to god everything feels like its frying my brain but i got nothin to do indoors. guess i can go draw traditionall but i end up putting such high expectations on myself i just yeah. fuck it up. get stressed. not fun. i need to stop thinking about others bc i keep thinking i put effort into smthn i need to show it off.like if i wasted time here i might as well. no this isnt showable it sucks damn it

even stuff i do draw purely for myself as self indulgent shit i go urhh this aint right

oh and then i try doin a lil excercise so im not like. physically diyng but my god that tires me out like instantly. but its okay, baby steps.

dont know what sort of place i am in mentally. the type id prolly spiral a bit over if it werent nice and 2 pm. wacky stuff. i wanna maybe do some stuff but ugh my brain just. isnt big thoughts when im tired. but honestly when am i not tired. and i am getting art done but i cant get myself to draw all day again ill end up in pain again my hand rn already is being a bit of a bitch

uhhh played pokemon in the morning but i need better pokemon already. i fuck up every raid (raids i need so i can get better mons easier) (and my shiny ralts i want easier)

hmm maybe i need a break from stuff but what kinda break what even is relaxing in my case? and "break from people" is a slippery slope of self isolation i always slip into. bit difficult to figure myself out

also, different thing, but ive been considering this for a good few months now and kinda ignoring it but i read one (1) thing and i m intrigued to do more n more research now but man do not like how moral ocd clicks perfectly with a lot of my most common issues . so i guess thats a thing to consider going into (like research) . if it helps .bc dear god i am Sensitive

but uhmmm yea sleeping better now ig like i went to sleep around ONE. my usual sleep time was 5-6 am a while ago !!!!!!! 1 am has always been my kinda usual time. man and i used to do that even when i had school and i *functioned* with less sleep. how did i do that. uhm. not well i guess

but yeah. things.. arent feeling right and i kinda wanna wipe my brain. also the neocities thing seems to be a part of my issue of (ppl who dont care abt me) r gonna thingk i suck bc i dont do (this that i find difficult) (coding) i will be exploded forever and shunned andhated

uhmmm what else yea last thought i forgot as i was gonna type it and the last thing i am deciding not to share anyway bc Shame so hooray

guy who is eeypy tired

i am just realizing how like tired i am but if i go nap ill make it worse so uhmm cope i guess lmfao at least it keeps me going to sleep at a more regular hour but like srsly brain we got around 8 hours of sleep why are you tired we used to get less and function fine. maybe not as good but we functioned

[aguineapigcouldntdothis]

tw: ranting about alcohol addiction and death

i absolutely do not blame myself for my past alcohol addiction. i dont think addiction makes me or anyone else a bad person but holy shit it ruined my life. i was stunted emotionally and socially from 14-17 which is ofc a very important time when it comes to developing mental intelligence and whatnot. i did develop a bit just not as much as anyone else i knew. its really fuckin hard to learn to manage strong emotions and plan for the future and all that when your whole life revolves around drinking.

and yeah i did other things. i had a job and i was in school and i loved my pets. besides the pets (i love the animals) not much mattered to me besides the next drink. the rest of the shit was filler. in my mind trying to do things like becoming more socially and emotionally aware was useless bc it was just more shit getting in the way of my next drink. bc even then i knew that shit takes work and research and time and that i shouldnt do it while drunk. my solution to this was to not do it at all and keep drinking

and now ive stopped drinking and ive done my best to make up for the bad stuff i did while i was an addict. it is so much easier to be kind and to support others and get involved in my community now that alcohol isnt a huge part of my life. it wasnt some major switch. i didnt have a moment where i was like "wow! i died from alcohol poisoning and was revived. my life must have some magical purpose!" i did realize that my circumstances were absolutely amazing and that i was not gonna fuck up my second chance at life.

im not perfect at all and i never will be and i dont wanna be. ill probably never have a normal relationship with substances (doubt ill stop smoking ever) and i have a boatload of mental and physical issues but for once my life is my own. it doesnt belong to a bottle of elderberry pear vodka i stole from my parents or whatever. now im almost 2 years clean and im finally able to notice how much more clear and solid my brain feels. im more in tune with my emotions and i care more deeply than i ever have before. im learning about new shit and changing my mind on things and picking up new hobbies and meeting people and im having an absolute blast.

pretty often i think that this stuff im doing would be more enjoyable if i was drinking still. and that's so so wrong because i would have never done any of this had i still been drinking.

anyway this isnt meant to be some inspirational success story. some ppl might see me as that and there's also a fuck ton that see me as a failure bc im not fully healed and may never be. i really just got lucky enough to live longer than i shouldve and im trying my absolute best with what I've got. idk if im doing any of this right and idc bc for once im just having fun and enjoying things all the time :)).

[glitchdollmemoria]

trauma + addiction vent under the cut because im sooo shyyyy lol

letting myself start to accept that maybe psychosis has been traumatic for me, both my most recent episode that i still sort of feel like im running away from, and growing up psychotic without any support system. like... yeah, it was probably traumatic to constantly feel unsafe and be convinced that i had no privacy from people who wanted me to hurt and to feel like i was the only person who knew that the world was fake. that combined with a lot of other things that i probably havent fully been letting myself think of as trauma, it makes sense id be smoking so much even though things are getting better. i dont think ill ever let go of my obsession with time though and maybe this all feeds into it. the past is heavy and time keeps passing and im learning to exist in the same time as everyone else but im not very good at it yet. i kind of keep wondering if i was right that the world is fake, and that maybe im still being observed but i just cant communicate with my observers anymore. a part of me misses them like some sort of stockholm syndrome type of shit. and im able to recognize that my worries stem from schizophrenia, and i have to accept that im going to be schizophrenic forever and will probably always experience at least SOME symptoms, staring and going quiet and worrying about something bigger than me watching me. i should probably throw myself into Torah study since i know that helps me stay evened out.

i just dont know how the hell im supposed to cope with the fact that things finally feel real. i look at people and theyre real. the trees are growing and theyre real. the mountains are real. insects are real. everything is real and breathing the same air as me. and its foreign to me. j dont think my brain knows hoe to handle reality, because i was never able to handle it on my own, and now that im recovering, theres no textbook for existing in reality. im in a reality that was never mine but im also always going to have a different reality from everyone else because my own psychotic reality of the past shaped who i am today. its scary. i think people assume recovery from psychosis means everything suddenly feels okay but its deeply unsettling, even if im glad to be doing better.

and im loved. i am a whole person who is loved by my friends. my friends love me as a very mentally ill person struggling to heal, and im grateful for that, but i think its just so strange to me. theyre real and im real and they love me and i love them. and my love is enough for them. i got told that a certain someone is more comfortable being affectionate with me than most other people. it knows so much about me already. it was there when i was maybe the most psychotic ive ever been in my life. its been there as ive been recovering from a trauma that it just barely missed out on being a part of. i mean something to it and it means something to me. and its real. theres a real person who loves me, platonically. im a real person who loves it. i dont know what to make of all this or what point im dancing around. im scared and traumatized and loved and i will never truly be in the exact same reality as him but at the same time, here i fucking am, loving and being loved. it doesnt make sense.

i think a large part of me wants to protect him and my other friends from the things ive experienced. ive been realizing more and more that like... yeah, no, all the trauma ive been through isnt "normal". ive been living a rough life and it made me rough and now i just want to protect these people that i see as so soft. maybe thats self centered though, maybe its just that people dont talk about these things and im underestimating my loved ones, but, im someone who basically doesnt have a family, has a thousand fucking comorbidities, has learned to cheat and manipulate to survive, has become so jaded by other people and the powers that be. the only reason i dont carry a knife is because i dont trust cops not to frame me for some shit. and i see myself as this tough guy guardian angel willing to sacrifice my own safety to protect the people i care about, i see myself as stronger than everyone else and more capable of taking a hit mentally or physically, because ive been through hell and survived so i feel like i can survive anything while i worry about how my friends would be able to handle the same things. i dont think i actually see myself as a person so much as a guard dog. i dont know if its healthy because i think i struggle to acknowledge my own trauma and hurt. i hate admitting it even on here. i want to just see the bright side of all my suffering and look at my victory and resilience and turn myself into a weapon to defend my loved ones. and then i turn around and smoke and then try to play off my smoking as something cool and sexy and not a big deal. and like, ill mention something thats just a fact of life for me - ill mention having no contact with my family, or growing up schizophrenic, or whatever else, and people seem sad for me and i get reminded that my experiences arent "normal" at all, and the things i consider facts of life arent things i should have had to go through, and other people cant always relate to. i really am some edgy rough-around-the-edges skeptic even if i still hold onto the days when i was a little goody two shoes with financial stability living in denial of my own trauma. but im still in denial of my own trauma. bit fucked innit