#its been a fucked up brain time realizing im not even fucking mentally ill in a relatable way lmfaooooooo

[majorasnightmare]

breaking the creative dry spell with elaborating on blorbos shit awful ethics again 💜💜💜

also this is just one of my fave shots of him. freshly lobotomized, covered in blood, deeply pissed off. great all around time i just wish it wasnt directed at my favorite intellect devourer 💔

anyways. content warning for descriptions of sadism and torture

this guy is a pain freak! to no ones surprise but im making you all check this shit out anyways. it rarely comes up in discussion because i USUALLY talk about how dirge bounces off of other named characters, with whom he has the greatest range of interesting interactions, and most of those interactions dissuade his sadism by virtue of him Giving A Shit but god the lobotomy did NOT fix that particular hobby of his at ALL

ill start with the fun ones first. dirge classed into warlock pre tadpoling, and specifically was a great old one warlock, meaning hes been practicing psionics for a VERY long time. and god does he love that shit. years of managing the Urge and careful studious dedication to death cult religious doctrine forged his will into quenched steel, and being on the receiving end of any of his psionics really makes you fucking feel it. dirge absolutely DELIGHTS in the experience of subjecting someone to his domination because he enjoys the panicked wriggling feeling of someone trying to flee but realizing theres nowhere to go because hes carving a path into their head. his patron itself is a star and, deriving his powers from it, his psionics themselves carry the sensation of irrepresible unavoidable crushing gravity. his willpower quite literally squeezes you until you start cracking open. another tactic hes fond of, and one he used to dominate the elder brain, is to compress the entirety of his willpower through psionics into a single point smaller than a needle, and then watching it puncture clean through a victims mental defenses like they arent even there. when hes torturing for pleasure, and not business, he makes a point of encircling their mental defenses and then steadily increasing the strain he places on them from all sides so he can watch the cracks start forming, and then breaks their will in one clean snap before digging through their mind for choice tidbits of information. whatevers leftover when hes done scavenging usually isnt enough to rebuild someones psyche from the sheer psychic trauma, which is all well and good because he typically doesnt let them live after anyways.

the lobotomy took out most of that particular skillset but a combination of practicing on absolutists (he uses illithid domination often enough to get the True Soul tag before even leaving the emerald grove) and tadpole skills has him getting back into the general swing of it

physically he enjoys the sensation of pain QUITE a lot. hes very sensory seeking and pain as a stimulus is "loud" enough to block out most other senses if its severe enough, so he enjoys it as stress relief. he also quite enjoys inflicting novel forms of agony onto other people. when he isnt playing nice and acceptable around people he cares about, dirge has a very strong cruel streak. if he gets the chance to indulge it at all, itll typically be with the last surviving member of an attacking enemy group, with the rest having been used to satiate his impulsive craving for gore and destruction. he particularly savors forms of emotional torment, bolstered by his sharp insight and overwhelming charisma. pre tadpole he did hobbyist vivisections to pass the time between his duties, and while thats fallen off post tadpoling, he still enjoys many of the skills and what they can inflict upon people. when dirge decides to indulge himself, he can get downright hedonistic about it, and his sadism streak is one of the clearest examples, drawing out a short stint of combat into a long, excrutiating death. he savors being the catalyst of suffering and treasures the experience of the myriad ways an individual can respond to torment. in particular he favors methods that draw blood or burn as the smell of bloodletting or charred flesh are particularly satisfying to him, but he does find enjoyment in being in close enough proximity to smell the way stress and fear affects the scent of their sweat. he enjoys flaying skin and carving open bodily cavities to expose organs to light and air, he enjoys carefully severing tendons and muscle groups just to watch someone in a panic try to flee anyways, and while he isnt super hype about raw bone marrow he DOES find the experience of cracking small joints to be particularly satisfying. dirge rarely goes for anything on the face because he wants to see the expressions they make, and only starts damaging that area when hes close to done playing with someone.

he enjoys when people try to beg, or plead, or bargain, because he takes small petty pleasure in exercising that kind of power over someone, just to deny them and bluntly inform them that this only ends when he feels like it, and driving home that state of utter helplessness. if hes feeling particularly understimulated, he'll force his way into a victims mind just to cram himself into their sensory perception so he gets front row seats for the agony he inflicts and his victims subsequent emotional response. he'll also do this if someones feeling clammy or stoic and not producing the kind of visible reactions hes hunting for, and he WILL freely transition to psionic torture if physical methods arent cutting it. he rarely, if ever, has to do the reverse because a combination of Urge-born madness and god ensconcing willpower typically means a victim isnt capable of meaningfully surviving it, allowing dirge to freely set the pace for whatever sensation hes hunting for

poison for dirge is more like a torture seasoning than a full meal in itself. its like a fun like extra spice sprinkled in for his enjoyment. he has a fondness for paralytics and neurotoxins, but still retains a healthy admiration for blood cell destroying animal venoms. conotoxins are a quickfire way to learn a lot of upsetting biology really quickly as you find out, in detail, exactly what a cone snail can do to your body and how fast itll happen, and if your really unlucky this will be a hands on learning experience.

if hes ever upset something traumatic happened to a companion, its rarely about what happened and more about it happening to someone he cares about. dirge is typically very upfront about this aspect of his personality, and fairly consistently behaves morally worse when people like karlach and wyll arent around to implicitly encourage him away from it, but WILL engage in petty self serving sadism when its a target he feels will garner no objections (cazador has an Extremely Fucking Bad Time) or he feels its a small enough infraction to go unremarked on (minor annoyances and irritation WILL manifest as deliberately non lethal attacks meant solely to inflict pain). a general willingness to capitulate to the requests of loved ones, even if they arent physically present (dirge abstains from being an ass to the tiefling refugees even when karlach and wyll are at camp) and a habit of avoiding rocking the boat (dirge typically only needs to be told off once or twice about his bad habits before he takes the lesson) means that despite being very openly sadistic, he rarely pushes the people hes around into being uncomfortable with him, and everyone else has to sit there and weigh their moral code against a loved one who can, will, and often has literally gone to hell and back for them for no other reason than they asked him to do so.

fun times! what a guy

[pup-pee]

i hve come back 2 timblr crying bc im just not having a good day i suppose & its my own damn fault bc i have the mentality of a child & i cant do anything right & just

i keep getting threatened 2 b kicked out & sent back home & its all bc of me me me

bc my habits r bad, my my parents made me awful fucked me up & now im

i fucked up again i thoguht i did good & i fucked up just now just right fucking now i shouldve stirred the food i shouldve but its ok bc i just got lucky

i fucking h8 myself dude y am i crying

going back from the hike i panicked in the car. bc yk, car was deiving 2 fast trying 2 enter & i just gut reacted yelled & i felt so fucking bad. i got yelled @ like a bad dog.

“dont do that. dont ever fucking do that especially in some1 elses car” ik “im srry” “srsly dont ever fucking do that bc what if it wasnt me? i had it all under control” “i didnt know that” “still u shouldnt do that”

i didnt MEAN 2 get scared im srry. i dont understand i just panicked & im so srry & i didnt do it 2 b funny or 2 scare him i just

idk

i feel so bad

& then gettinf called oit when he made a dimb ficking joke like “y r u so quiet” IM SRRY IM PANICKING then i get told that im not & i just

its been going down hill from there bc all i wanted 2 do was idk

idk

going home & just, i tell him “hey im gonna chnage real wuick bc im dirty bc i FELL OFF A DIRT SLIDE” & i JUST he told me no bc i should stretch. which yeah ok so i do that

then he says hes gonna cook food bc i cant cook food

ok do u need anything? “can u make the mac n cheese?” ok i cam do that. oh the pots dirty

well ok ill clean it. but 1st i wanna chnage bc im dirty

so i go chnage, come out, get rucking yelled @ 4 not doing the dishes

i do the dishes EVERYTIME. EVERY FUCKING DAY & NIGHT

i missed yesterday bc we were @ relatives house & we ate there & this morning i got up l8 ok i was not having a good night sleeping & just

HE HAS THE DAY OFF. THE PAST 2 DAYS HES HAD THE DAY OFF.

he calls me stupid 4 not realizing that our relatives family is not here bc i shouldve been talking 2 them yesterday. when? WHEN SHOULD I HAVE. I WAS PLAYING W/THE KIDS. KEEPING THEM COMPANY WHILE U TALKED?? should i have been in the fucking kitchen playing w/them?? what the actual fuck should i b doing bc apparentlyim doing everything wrong

EVERYTHING

i went over 2 take care of the dog & chickens & mayb i shouldve been doing the fucking dishes instead

so whatever whatever i get yelled @

i go in2 my room bc i ask if i shoild just do them & he says no i got it bc yk, im irresponsible & stupid whatever

so i clean my room up a bit trying not 2 cry & i get called oit in2 the kicthen like a kid whos been hiding grades

hes ready 2 give me a stern talking 2. he feels like my parents

cant even talk 2 him bc im staring @ my feet the entire time crying

getting told its ok 2 cry its ok thats good ITS NOT. THIS IS STUPID & I H8 MYSELF 4 EVEN TRYING

im getting told im jjst like my parents, then that my parenets fucked me up, that im mentally younger than i am that im stupid & dumb & im mot making enough improvements on my life fast enougj

in the last month & a half i moved out of my hometown 2 a city. i got a job. im tryonf 2 eat more, drink more. im trying @ least i think i am. im having help & im just not enough

im not enough 4 him how am i enough 4 any1 i fucking h8 my brain

as i did dishes i cried. as i sit here i cry. i will prolly cry some more bc im a weak ass bitch

i just got iver my stupid fucking infection & now theres more snot in my nose im so sad & tired & just so upset @ myself.

bc hes right in so many ways, & i just cant defend myself. so i put my tail btween my legs & whimper on tumblr.

my stomach hurts but im mor hungry but i have 2 eat bc if i dont im gonna get kicked out & sent back 2 live w/my parents & i dont want 2 go back

i need 2 improve more. i need 2 start exercising like him. i need 2 talk like him. i need 2 think like him. i need 2 live like him. or i dont get 2 live here anymore

hes babysitting me

he told me in the car. & hopefully in a yr hell leave me. he says

i dont want anything. mayb 2 read some comics & draw. talk 2 freinds even if im scared, bc thats fun. i want 2 see my cousins & help out in the garden. i want 2 hold the chickens & vacuum the house. & i do those things but i dont need more

i dont rlly want more, but i have 2 do more. or im getting sent a fucking way

how is that even possible

im an adult. mayb not mentallt but physically i am an adult

ik im not, mature. im stupid. ik i am. & i h8 bing stupid & dumb & misunderstanding but im trying so hard

but everything i do just looks like barely any effort or smth i shouldve alr been doing by his standards & i cant talk abck. bc when i defend myaelf. im just like mother

im just like her. hes told me

& theres sm snot in my nose i cant breathe again

i shoudlve never listened 2 my aunt & uncle who told me, im paying equal rent, he can wash a few dishes. u dont need 2 do that anymore

i need 2. bc he works a full time job, & i work minimum wage part time. & i havent even graduated yet

im stopping myself

great typing me high5 u rlly got ur complaining 2day

im going

2 read comics & pretend i was never upset intol i lay on bed 2night

i have work in the morning, unlike some1. should i just stop helping w/the 3 kids? would that make him happy? fuck if ik.

[my-castles-crumbling]

Anon Asks January 24th

Fated Anon (TW ED), Red Flag Anon, Midnights Anon, Low-Key Anon (new), 30 people anon (new), student teacher anon (new), crash and burn anon (new)

Fated Anon

HIIII! It’s fated anon again ( I like that alias it’s so dramatic and fun I love it)

I took ur advice it helped a lot! I spoke to my friends and kinda fixed up what we had before and it helped me kinda get back on track. I never rlly realized how much all this has been messing with my head, I forgot how horrible I am with feelings. Ik it was et that long ago but just that conversation alone was so much progress which is fortunate just before exams, i have a tenancy to get a bit in my head about things and it was lowkey the worst I’ve felt in a while. Anyway for the boundaries thing, I’ve spoken to my friends and they seem to be more receptive to it than before except for one :(

I’ve took time to think about it but I think it would be better if we parted ways tbh I’ve only now realized how toxic our friendship has been. They never liked me to begin with for some reason always excessively dismissive at any chance I took to be friends. Anyway turns out they had a thing for my MULTIPLE of my friends and took it out on me??? Idk their behaviour is so odd to me. They feel the need to comment on literally everything. On my clothes, my weight, my hair, my grades, in their mind they’re the peak of human evolution which is so ufhdgchggsd. And all this feels so much worse when they know I was struggling with eating and such ( only realized it was an ed after I started recovering ) and used to make jokes about me being anorexic on the regular??? They used to make fun of my hair after I started to get comfortable wearing it curly, dirty looks and odd comments whenever my religion came up. It all feels so weird and lowkey kinda racist??? I thought I was overthinking this but it’s to the point where other friends are asking me about it. This is the kinda thing I hate, when other people get to pick and choose what cultures r ok based off weather or not their “ascetically pleasing” enough.

This is the kinda bs I’ve been dealing with for years. I got off without as many problems as a kid cause I was white passing, no problems on the schoolyard or anything but still annoyed me that no one would listen to me, but now the melanin finally showed up and a realized how shitty people can be. EXHIBIT A: the friend who genuinely thinks I can’t be mentally ill, and shoved me into the “angry black person” stereotype???? Like I’m not pulling things out of my ass this is the only way to describe it. AlicdYjuZhkjzfhK one more thing then I’ll move on cause Im on a roll rn, one of those people that think of mixed people weird??? Like better then being like totally one race and I’m sure has tried to use the one slit( I think it’s a slur still a shit thing to say regardless) idk its lowkey some Harry Potter type segregation going on but not my problem soon enough.

Im holding myself back from saying anymore but holy fuck I need to get that out of my brain even if it makes 0 sense. Anyway talked it out with my close friend and I plan on parting ways cause this is nonsense.

Anyway quick update on my girl problem, I think I may spontaneously combust. SHVFHXZBXC I can barely talk to her and she’s starting to catch on I think and I’m a shit lier and can’t say no to her so my solution is to just avoid the convo:( still can’t tell if she likes me or not cause we fit the one gay trope ever they be saying literally anything but “hey I like you 😃😃😃😃😃😃😃😃😃😃😃” idk I don’t think I’m going to make it😭😭😭 my grave will read “ here lies fated anon , cause of death: the girl was to gay to speak” this may become reality this girl has been making me lose my mind. I caught myself getting jealous at a shared playlist with another girl🙃 I know ur way past ur days of pinning being married and all but how do you deal with jealousy? Like it’ll be over the smallest things, and I know the first step is being able to realize that ur doing too much but like it’s still there?

Anywho I’ve realized that writing has been a good outlet for all this nonsense going on, idk I might start posting if I pump out somthing half decent :/

I lowkey forgot I have school and it’s past one so imma leave it at that, I write a bit much anyway sorry:( but I hope u have lovely night and thank u for everything u do Cas<3 ( I do apologize for the grammer I fear I may be a lost cause)

Hi! Honestly those friends sound like...horrible friends, tbh. I'm glad you're stepping back. So many of the things they're doing are NOT okay, and it's so good that you're working on setting boundaries and realizing that. I'm sorry that you have to do so in the first place.

As far as jealousy...yeah I think that thinking through the logic behind it might be helpful. Plenty of people share a playlist with friends, you know? But I'd also say that avoiding conversations certainly isn't going to like...help her like you. Like if there's a chance she likes you, avoiding her is just going to make her think you don't like her, and she might move on. Have you tried doing some of the things with her that you're jealous about? You can always make and share a playlist!

________________________

Red Flag Anon

I'm not gonna copy your whole message here but I just wanted to say I'm so sorry about everything you've been going through. It sounds so scary and exhausting and just...I have no words. I'm glad you at least seem to be aware of the things you need to work on and you have a plan on how to take care of yourself. I am sending you so much love and so many hugs, and I believe in you <3

________________________

Midnights Anon

I'm so sorry that your parents are acting this way. I think a really common thing with parents is that they let their own issues, upbringing, trauma, and emotions affect their parenting. Obviously nobody is perfect, but when it's affecting you this much, it's not fair. Do you have ways to get out of the house more? Maybe you could join some clubs or go over friends' houses? Just so you can get some distance, you know? And I'm glad that you have the coping strategy of reading fanfic. Maybe it would be helpful to come up with a list of coping strategies for when things get particularly rough?

______________________

Low-Key Anon

Here's the beginning of your ask so you know it's you!

hiii cas :) im a moot of urs, a low-key one, and I’ve never done this before but I love ur asks cas thingy and omg I could rlly use some advice. 

Okay so...I think you should do a bit of both of what you were saying. Based on what you said, N is definitely someone you DO NOT want to be close to. The fact that N just like...admitted to hurting someone like that is insane. But I can see where you don't want to cause drama, either, and yeah, it's hard to cut someone out when you see them every day. So could you do a bit of both? Like..just pull back from N. Don't get involved in the drama, don't seek out time or conversations with N, only speak to them when spoken to. Don't give N a reason to be mad, but don't like...act all buddy-buddy, either. I think if you pull back, you'll find it'll be easier to avoid the drama as well.

_________________________

30 people anon

I wanna know if I'm in the wrong here

So me and my friend group are part of this big group chat of around 30 people

Another person in this group chat is one of my friends exes

I made some joke about how they used to date and this friend got really pissed at me because it turned out neither of them wanted anyone in the group chat that didnt already know to know they dated.

Not once was I ever told about that

My friend said I should've picked it up from "context clues"

Their ex hasn't been brought up in conversation pretty much at all since they broke up bc there wasn't any reason to bring him up

but apparently everyone refuses to bring him up as their ex which I didn't know because we have had literally no reason to talk about this man considering the fact they dated him over a year ago

Personally I don't think I'm in the wrong and I think they should have clearly stated that they didn't want everyone else to know about their relationship

But I need a second opinion because I don't trust mine alone

Honestly I think this one is hard to tell without knowing more about the dynamic of the group. But going off of what you've told me here, no, I don't think you're in the wrong. I think if someone says "oh me and x are dating!" and doesn't tell me to keep it quiet, then...there's no reason for me not to, especially around a group of supportive friends. So the same would hold true for exes.

But I guess it also depends on like...the dynamic of the group, the situation between the two people dating, the circumstances of the breakup, if the people faced any backlash from dating. Like there's so many things that could affect if it's a good idea to bring up a relationship or ex-relationship, that I can't really tell. Because yeah, if you were never told not to bring it up, you're not technically in the wrong, but there could be a million different circumstances that would make it so you still shouldn't bring it up.

SO yeah, all this to say...I dont know. (Also I asked my wife and she agrees with me)

_____

Student teacher Anon

hi cas!

I am asking for some advice? comfort? a sounding board? idek at this point.

Basically, I am terrified of what is happening rn in the US and I'm not sure how I get through this. on top of that fear, I am a student Teacher at a small school in a red state who is very left leaning. I listen to students every day talk about how great the horrible people are and how they're doing great things and I can't say anything without getting reprimanded and I know this won't end here. I know it'll be like this after I finish student teaching and signa contract too I have also been really struggling with my gender and know this is also not something many schools will accept.

I worry that I'm losing myself bc of teaching. I used to be a very involved activist who was speaking their mind and inspiring peers and now I feel like I'm not making any sort of a difference. I also feel like I have to hide my tattoos and change my self expression to be allowed as a teacher.

I just don't even know where this leaves me and I really don't know how to make it through life with the state if the US/world rn. leaving my state isn't an option unfortunately bc I can't leave my family here.

any advice?

Hi! I am also a teacher and all of these struggles and concerns are so valid. I have taught in a red state and I currently teach in a red town. I do want you to know though that it IS possible to find schools that allow you to express yourself and your gender, and to make a difference.

Don't get me wrong, my school still has lines I have to tiptoe, but I am able to wear what I want, identify as Mx., have purple hair and tattoos, and help run the GSA at my school. I still have to listen to the bigoted ideas come from other kids' mouths, but MY room is a safe space.

The reality is, it might take you a little while to find a school like mine because I had to be picky to find it, and when you're a new teacher, you can't be quite as picky. But if you're able to get a year or two of experience, then you'll be able to move to a new school and be pickier about what you want. Also make sure to ask the right questions in your interviews to see if the district/school is aligned with your goal (DM me if you want more details).

No matter what school you're at though, youll find that there are ALWAYS kids who are looking for an adult who understands. Even when I taught in a red state, and I had to hide my identity, the queer kids always found me and I was able to make a difference.

I know it's hard, but it is possible. Again, feel free to DM me to talk more! <3

________________

Crash and Burn Anon

Here's the beginning of your ask so you know it's you!

Hey, so I've been dating my boyfriend for about 3 months and 11 days. (But who's counting) And last night I was talking with my bestie.

Okay so I don't feel comfortable addressing your entire ask but I can say that it's your job to decide what you are comfortable with, not your best friend. Everyone's boundaries are different, you know? I think you need to reflect on what you want, and communicate that with your boyfriend. It sounds like he's respectful and willing to listen.

[lifeafterpsychiatry]

i guess you could call this a vent or whatever but im going to tell you about something that has been making me crazy lately

so when i was like 3 i took a serious blunt force blow to the forehead. our house had hardwood floors and my brother had left a sock on the floor and i slipped on it and hit my head on the rounded corner of our oak coffee table. it left an inch long open wound and i was completely dazed and unresponsive, but conscious.

here is where i start getting frustrated. my mom didnt call 911 or take me to the ER, she took me to our family pediatrician. already really questionable imo but it gets worse. so ive got this gaping hole in my forehead and im unresponsive right? so what do they do? sew my forehead shut right there in the pediatricians office while i watched. didnt give me any anaesthetic or anything because i was, again, completely unresponsive.

then my mom was like "okay you arent bleeding anymore, can i leave now so i can go see the play i wanted to see?" but at this point im screaming and crying because im a toddler with fucking brain damage and a stitched wound that still hurts.

so she just took me home and that was that. and then for months afterwords she couldnt get me to wake up in the morning so she stuffed my limp body into my school clothes herself and took me to preschool half asleep. and then nobody ever spoke about it again except to make jokes.

its been two decades and i am only now realizing that ive had serious brain damage the whole time. my mom and brother have been shaming and belittling me for years for displaying symptoms of the brain damage that they gave me. my mom calls me a fucking spaz and my brother is pissed because he thinks i get "special treatment" instead of realizing that i need more help because he gave me brain damage. its like the final puzzle piece that explains why my life is such a mess.

and im just so overwhelmed by the fact that my mom and brother are directly responsible for the immense suffering ive endured over the past 20 years. all my health problems, the mental illness, the inability to avoid being abused, its all because of the brain damage. and they keep making fun of me for it. im not even mad im just. horrified. the sheer negligence of it all makes me sick. how many people like me are out there suffering from old brain injuries they didnt realize they had?

its like my brain cant even comprehend how fucked up the whole situation is. which is why im here telling it to you in the hopes that you will agree that its very bad 🙃

This is abuse and neglect on a level that no one and nothing could ever justify and I am so, so sorry that this happened to you. You deserved SO much better! ❤️

[plural-culture-is]

i fear that i may be a system in denial or something along those lines.

for years of my life, ive struggled with three voices in my head, dissociation, derealization, depersonalization, way-too-over-the-top delusions, hallucinations here and there, and never feeling like who im supposed to be. a few months ago, i thought that it could have to do with undiagnosed schizophrenia or some type of schizo-related disorder (because of the delusions and hallucinations). but recently, ive noticed that these things are all getting worse.

there are more voices. its no longer just the three. and i feel like i should know these voices, even though i dont. they're still strangers to me.

my struggles with dissociation, derealization, and depersonalization have gotten worse---especially the derealization and depersonalization.

my main delusion has been growing stronger and stronger, becoming more and more severe. (though the strength of it tends to vary, so...)

nothing's gone on with the hallucinations. at least, i dont think so. i haven't been paying attention.

and my feelings of never feeling "right" or "correct" have gotten so much stronger. i cant go ten minutes without thinking, is this who i really am? am i faking who i am? if im faking my identity, who am i really? why dont i know who i truly am? will i ever learn who i truly am? am i the only one who cant figure out who they are? why do i never feel like im my true self? why do i always faking who i am? how do i act like my true self? does my true self even exist at this point? and et cetera.

i dont think im a system. i dont want to be a system. i dont want to be plural. i already struggle enough with my neurodevelopmental and physical disabilities. i already struggle enough my mental health and with trauma. i dont need the struggles of having did or osdd or something related. i dont want the struggles, either.

but the more and more i research did for my system character in one of my books, i find more that i can relate to. as i mentioned earlier, i used to think that i might be schizophrenic due to my delusions and hallucinations. but just the other day as i was doing more research about did for my character, i found out that its possible for systems and plurals to often struggle with those things. and my brain went down a deep rabbit hole, like, well fuck shit balls, could i possibly be plural? did my trauma fuck me up that much???

as i went down that rabbit hole, i realized that i dont remember a lot of my childhood. i remember a few specific memories, most of which are either traumatic or just funny memories that ive told as stories numerous times. other than that, i know next to nothing. i also have times where i cant remember shit about anything. my name, my age, my address, what schools ive gone to, what school i go to now, what i did ten hours ago, what i did five seconds ago, et cetera. ive also noticed that im constantly remembering those things wrong. "how old are you?" someone could ask. "im thirteen years old," ill say, then correct myself, "no, wait, im x years old." ive even said that im seven years old when im in fact much older than that. people could ask me, "what's your name?" and ill answer with something that's not my name. could be a nickname from school, a nickname from the many summer camps ive gone to, my pen name for my books, or a random name in general. and there are so many examples that i could give.

back to my doing research stuff for my character, i was going through one website when i found an infographic. it was a simple thing; just five common symptoms of dissociative identity disorder. it listed...

~ inability to remember large portions of your childhood

~ out-of-body experiences, hallucinations, and/or flashbacks

~ suicidal thoughts or self-harm

~ differences in handwriting and changing levels of functioning

~ episodes of memory loss

if i dont experience them now, ive experienced all of them before. the first one, i just mentioned. the second one happens all of the fucking time. the third one happens on a daily basis. the first half of the fourth i haven't really noticed, but the second half is very true. and i just talked about the fifth one.

i dont know if i just have some type of dissociative disorder or im just crazy. but i cant get it out of my head that i might be a system or a system in early development. (dont really know how to explain what i mean by "in early development," but ill try to: what i mean is that im in the early developing stages where dissociation starts happening frequently and alters start forming, but switches arent possible yet.) that or ive been forcing myself---if i am plural and in denial---to act like a normal person, just like ive been doing with autism and adhd.

do you have any advice on how to figure out if im a system or not??? i dont have access to a therapist or psychologist due to my parents not believing in mental illness and things like that.

sorry, we've just stopped accepting am I plural asks, so this one goes out to the public

also, here's our resources for questioning systems

[nickolox]

((( long ramble post)))

trying to figure wtf is going on with your own mental health without the help of a professional + having a mental illness that already fucks with the way you perceive things (ocd) is genuine hell

like, I HAVE a psychiatrist, but he's fucking. awful and always puts medications first over like, figuring out what the fuck is going on

and everything about this whole procedure just feels like, off???

tldr: local man questions if he has The Dissociative Disorder™ whilst being simultaneously given red herrings and blatantly obvious eye opening signals at the same time, and has the same realizations 30 times over because i am in a constant cycle of denial, forgetting and then rediscovering this bullshit

so to put it in a nutshell most of my psychiatrist discussions about the big disorderly things go like this:

psych: so what are you experiencing me: i keep like, having these massive gaps in my memory, where i have no idea what happened or what i did or anythign for hours and hours at a time, and i looked up what that means and its apparently called dissociating? what does that mean? psych: right, that's a stress response. me: yeah, That makes sense. But I've also been unable to remember major events like my sister's wedding or my graduation... psych: well... obviously you were just anxious lol me: *remembers the photos i have as the only proof i have that those events happened, and im smiling in all of them* maybe?? i mean, it didn't seem like that was the case. psych: (completely ignores that) hmmm. okay. anyways- me: also I've been hearing voices??? psych: where? externally or internally? me: internally psych: (visible relief) oh thank god i was concerned it was schizophrenia for a moment, having an internal dialogue is normal :) me: i can't control the voices though, and they don't sound like my own voice in my mind. they're distinct, and it's not like my OCD either. psych: that's normal, sometimes people just imagine things ^_^

so, it was "anxiety" the first time, came back. told him this shit is still happening, and then he blamed it on my medications, and now i'm on a new set, which i suppose needed to happen anyways?

But like, he told me that brain fog and memory loss are a thing with prozac (what i was taking before) and i was like "huh no one told me that" to which he said "well no one says the full list of side effects because no one would want to take the meds otherwise"

i get home, i look up the fucking manual that comes with prozac when you go on it for the first time, and no where. NOWHERE. is this shit on that list of side effects. i look up a list of the side effects, dozens of sites, NOTHING!!!!

I speak with my bestie and he reminds me that,

I dealt with these problems prior to going on medication (something i didnt even remember, lol)

it has literally nothing to do with anxiety bc he himself has crippling anxiety and deals with none of the shit i do

i'm going to shit bricks dude what the fuck is wrong with my stupid brain, it feels like such a wild challenge compared to when i found out about my OCD, like, dude at least with that bitch it was consistent, it was 24/7. as shit as that was at least I knew it was always there, always there to be a bitch, but undeniable none the less.

This current mystery disorder is like, oooOOOooo i'm going to be here SOME OF THE TIME!!! to make you DOUBT it exists!!! and im sitting here like, is this a symptom or is this my ocd fucking with me bro

i feel like i might have some kind of dissociative disorder, but the problem I'm having is that it's not CONSISTENT??? like, some days I'll be like yeah this is the dream and then other days I cannot physically do anything, remember jack shit, feel like my soul is leaving my fucking body all god damn day?

why do people always talk about alters too, it's like, the one thing I don't experience, or at least, the one thing that's rare enough to not hinder me like the actual dissociation problems.

I feel like I can't be certain, and that sets my OCD off, because my brain goes "what if we're faking- what if you're overreacting" which in turn makes me go. insane. I am going insane.

there is sooo much more i could say, but i just realized it;s half past midnight. I should um. probably go to bed.

Goodnight.

[99paris]

Good morning or afternoon or whatever everypony. I know this post is gonna sound dumb as fuck but i just need to get some feelings out or something

im not super sure how this started but probably about half a year ago i started really suppressing and neglecting all of my bad emotions and like pushing them all to the back of my mind because i just dont want to acknowledge them but i know its making them worse. i also keep realizing that i might still have some mental issues after i thought i got rid of them but i literally absolutely to not want to acknowledge it and i keep telling myself like "no no u dont experience that theres nothing wrong with you you're a fucking liar” and along with that i keep denying that i’ve experienced any trauma ever. i know i have experienced trauma but my brain just doesnt want me to believe that and even typing this right now i find it extremely hard to believe myself but i know subconsciously that its true. like every time i try to think of something that might relate to my trauma or mental health my mind immediately goes “think of something else rn you’re being so dramatic” or “that didnt even happen stop making things up” and ill put on some music or distract myself from thinking about it in some other way. also i have panic attacks and stuff and ive realized that every time i have one i think to myself “oops haha ate too much sugar today maybe i should cut back” because i make myself think im shaking because i ate too much sugar 🤨.

its so exhausting trying to think of anything mental health related that relates to me without it immediately being shut out by my brain. it kinda feels like ive been clinging onto the idea of being happy or calm all the time that ive superglued my mind to it and now its dragging me through the mud and i cant get off.

i think this stuff also kinda ties into the fact that i feel the absolute need to be PERFECT. like if i fuck up one thing, even if it’s the tiniest thing like a dumb mistake on a math quiz all the alarms start blaring in my brain and i feel like an im an absolute failure and deserve to rot in hell. especially when i do something a little wrong, like if i preform a basic task wrong i immediately think “if i cant preform this task perfectly the first time then how will i ever succeed in life?”

and i feel annoying too sometimes because the only way i get my feelings out anywhere is through my characters from my book im writing and i feel like i talk about it too much but its like i live and breathe these dudes. i pour out all of my bad emotions that i refuse to feel myself into them and they make me feel a little less alone because even though i dont let myself really feel bad emotions or acknowledge my trauma or mental stuff i still feel alone and if my OCs are feeling the same things i stuff into the back of my head because im literally just projecting on them i feel a little better. like ive realized, wherever i am whatever im doing im thinking about them and especially when im not feeling great im like “man i gotta work on writing my book right now!”

P.S. i am not asking for any advice or for anybody to pity me, just needed to write this somewhere publicly

anyways shoutout to my OCs for making my life better :3

tbh idk if im gonna keep this post up for very long because im super shy online and this is super out of my comfort zone

[emagnetizm]

Shit I felt despair today, like, im just so panicked cause i relapsed last night and drank again this morning and now i dont have any booze and i feel so fucked and I'm just so afraid that ill never be able to stop and that Ill die to alcohol, like its not even a suicide thing, I want to live but staying sober seems impossible and I just want to drink so much.... Like how tf am I supposed to live like this???? I feel calmer now but for like a monent I felt I was destined to die in a ditch and god I just, I cant do this alone, I cant keep on living like this, constantly quitting and relapsing and every time it gets worse and I just feel like my days are numbered because of alcoholism and my other addictions and like .. its not fair! I want to live.... but fuck being sober long term seems unfathomable to my fucking brain. Im considering going back on weed just because atleast that shit dont put me in mortal danger and fucks my health like alcohol does... but im so tired of being high and doing nothing and I cant even fucking get a job. And now in realizing that maybe the worst of my addiction is yet to come and im so scared and fuck why was I born this way?!????? Like there is so much fucking alcoholism in my family on both sides and like wtf... I didnt choose to be this way... I didnt chose to inherit this fucking curse. I didnt choose to have a drunk dad that made me live in fear all my life and fucked up my mental health irreparably... I just wish I could scoop out the part of my brain that makes me an addict. Like Ive been trying to get sober for like four years now 😭

I try to remain hopeful but jesus fuck im like on a sinking ship and I just keep pouring more water into it and I cant stop.

I wanna believe im strong and that Ill be able to overcome this, but its just so horrible. Like honestly, i feel like I make progress but the regress keeps getting worse. I need help I need help and Im gonna go back to AA, but I just need to vent because Addiction is a fucking curse and its a horrible way to live

[ghoulangerlee]

lil vent under the thing im just havin a rough time rn

i am so burnt out in general. everything is happening and im p sure my increased heartrate these past couple of weeks have been solely because i am Stressed Out.

i fucked up several days ago at work, full on switched two numbers on an invoice and sent the invoice to the client thinking it was 100% right. he paid it and then while im putting it in I realize immediately that i'd fucked up and he paid about 540 dollars less than what his invoice actually was.

the second i noticed it was like oh my god ive fucked up. surely this is the end of my job here. surely that means ive gotta go job hunting again even though my bosses are good people.

i contacted the client and got it straightened out, he's gonna pay the difference, we had a little laugh about it because he understands human error and is a pretty good guy.

but i still felt so fucking bad because i know my brain has been fucky lately there's just so much going on and im so tired all the time and i feel like i need a vacation or a break from work but i can't take time off because if i dont have a paycheck then bills go unpaid. im saving the only two vacation days i have left for the summer so ill be prepared to take two days off (day of surgery and day after) and have those covered, before moving into working from home.

there's SO MUCH going on in my brain and it won't slow down or stop or just let me freaking rest for a little bit.

if im not worried about money, im worried about my own health, or im worried about my kid, or im worried about keeping the apartment clean. and its just so much for my brain to handle.

i can almost feel myself getting close to shutting down! lmao i love not being able to cope with things.

i want to do fun things but i have neither the time nor the money nor the mental capacity to do that so instead i just exist. vaguely.

augh ):

[aguineapigcouldntdothis]

tw: ranting about alcohol addiction and death

i absolutely do not blame myself for my past alcohol addiction. i dont think addiction makes me or anyone else a bad person but holy shit it ruined my life. i was stunted emotionally and socially from 14-17 which is ofc a very important time when it comes to developing mental intelligence and whatnot. i did develop a bit just not as much as anyone else i knew. its really fuckin hard to learn to manage strong emotions and plan for the future and all that when your whole life revolves around drinking.

and yeah i did other things. i had a job and i was in school and i loved my pets. besides the pets (i love the animals) not much mattered to me besides the next drink. the rest of the shit was filler. in my mind trying to do things like becoming more socially and emotionally aware was useless bc it was just more shit getting in the way of my next drink. bc even then i knew that shit takes work and research and time and that i shouldnt do it while drunk. my solution to this was to not do it at all and keep drinking

and now ive stopped drinking and ive done my best to make up for the bad stuff i did while i was an addict. it is so much easier to be kind and to support others and get involved in my community now that alcohol isnt a huge part of my life. it wasnt some major switch. i didnt have a moment where i was like "wow! i died from alcohol poisoning and was revived. my life must have some magical purpose!" i did realize that my circumstances were absolutely amazing and that i was not gonna fuck up my second chance at life.

im not perfect at all and i never will be and i dont wanna be. ill probably never have a normal relationship with substances (doubt ill stop smoking ever) and i have a boatload of mental and physical issues but for once my life is my own. it doesnt belong to a bottle of elderberry pear vodka i stole from my parents or whatever. now im almost 2 years clean and im finally able to notice how much more clear and solid my brain feels. im more in tune with my emotions and i care more deeply than i ever have before. im learning about new shit and changing my mind on things and picking up new hobbies and meeting people and im having an absolute blast.

pretty often i think that this stuff im doing would be more enjoyable if i was drinking still. and that's so so wrong because i would have never done any of this had i still been drinking.

anyway this isnt meant to be some inspirational success story. some ppl might see me as that and there's also a fuck ton that see me as a failure bc im not fully healed and may never be. i really just got lucky enough to live longer than i shouldve and im trying my absolute best with what I've got. idk if im doing any of this right and idc bc for once im just having fun and enjoying things all the time :)).

[glitchdollmemoria]

trauma + addiction vent under the cut because im sooo shyyyy lol

letting myself start to accept that maybe psychosis has been traumatic for me, both my most recent episode that i still sort of feel like im running away from, and growing up psychotic without any support system. like... yeah, it was probably traumatic to constantly feel unsafe and be convinced that i had no privacy from people who wanted me to hurt and to feel like i was the only person who knew that the world was fake. that combined with a lot of other things that i probably havent fully been letting myself think of as trauma, it makes sense id be smoking so much even though things are getting better. i dont think ill ever let go of my obsession with time though and maybe this all feeds into it. the past is heavy and time keeps passing and im learning to exist in the same time as everyone else but im not very good at it yet. i kind of keep wondering if i was right that the world is fake, and that maybe im still being observed but i just cant communicate with my observers anymore. a part of me misses them like some sort of stockholm syndrome type of shit. and im able to recognize that my worries stem from schizophrenia, and i have to accept that im going to be schizophrenic forever and will probably always experience at least SOME symptoms, staring and going quiet and worrying about something bigger than me watching me. i should probably throw myself into Torah study since i know that helps me stay evened out.

i just dont know how the hell im supposed to cope with the fact that things finally feel real. i look at people and theyre real. the trees are growing and theyre real. the mountains are real. insects are real. everything is real and breathing the same air as me. and its foreign to me. j dont think my brain knows hoe to handle reality, because i was never able to handle it on my own, and now that im recovering, theres no textbook for existing in reality. im in a reality that was never mine but im also always going to have a different reality from everyone else because my own psychotic reality of the past shaped who i am today. its scary. i think people assume recovery from psychosis means everything suddenly feels okay but its deeply unsettling, even if im glad to be doing better.

and im loved. i am a whole person who is loved by my friends. my friends love me as a very mentally ill person struggling to heal, and im grateful for that, but i think its just so strange to me. theyre real and im real and they love me and i love them. and my love is enough for them. i got told that a certain someone is more comfortable being affectionate with me than most other people. it knows so much about me already. it was there when i was maybe the most psychotic ive ever been in my life. its been there as ive been recovering from a trauma that it just barely missed out on being a part of. i mean something to it and it means something to me. and its real. theres a real person who loves me, platonically. im a real person who loves it. i dont know what to make of all this or what point im dancing around. im scared and traumatized and loved and i will never truly be in the exact same reality as him but at the same time, here i fucking am, loving and being loved. it doesnt make sense.

i think a large part of me wants to protect him and my other friends from the things ive experienced. ive been realizing more and more that like... yeah, no, all the trauma ive been through isnt "normal". ive been living a rough life and it made me rough and now i just want to protect these people that i see as so soft. maybe thats self centered though, maybe its just that people dont talk about these things and im underestimating my loved ones, but, im someone who basically doesnt have a family, has a thousand fucking comorbidities, has learned to cheat and manipulate to survive, has become so jaded by other people and the powers that be. the only reason i dont carry a knife is because i dont trust cops not to frame me for some shit. and i see myself as this tough guy guardian angel willing to sacrifice my own safety to protect the people i care about, i see myself as stronger than everyone else and more capable of taking a hit mentally or physically, because ive been through hell and survived so i feel like i can survive anything while i worry about how my friends would be able to handle the same things. i dont think i actually see myself as a person so much as a guard dog. i dont know if its healthy because i think i struggle to acknowledge my own trauma and hurt. i hate admitting it even on here. i want to just see the bright side of all my suffering and look at my victory and resilience and turn myself into a weapon to defend my loved ones. and then i turn around and smoke and then try to play off my smoking as something cool and sexy and not a big deal. and like, ill mention something thats just a fact of life for me - ill mention having no contact with my family, or growing up schizophrenic, or whatever else, and people seem sad for me and i get reminded that my experiences arent "normal" at all, and the things i consider facts of life arent things i should have had to go through, and other people cant always relate to. i really am some edgy rough-around-the-edges skeptic even if i still hold onto the days when i was a little goody two shoes with financial stability living in denial of my own trauma. but im still in denial of my own trauma. bit fucked innit

[elio-monroe]

just kinda talking about emotions and long term friendships. weird to say this but if you know me irl then this is probably about you but in a positive way, but sorry about the vague i guess. also its long and ramble-y, thoughts directly from head and through my keyboard (probably contradict myself somewhere in here because im having bad mental illness).

i feel really bad for all my friends having to deal with my ass. im so terrible all the time because i just have never had friends for this long. im use to meeting people and in a years time we go our separate ways and then i meet new people, and then rinse and repeat. and a lot of the people i called friends in my childhood (not all of them! but a lot of them) were kinda terrible to me. idk i got use to always being the lowest rung on the ladder you know, and i didn't mind it because at least i had friends and the situation would change soon enough anyways.

but i think years of metaphorically and physically being stepped on by so many people just kinda made that feel like thats how i am suppose to be. its hard for me to ask for help, not because i think im too tough or anything, but because i am so scared that i won't be able to fulfill whatever pay back i need to give for even asking for help. or that i bothered them or stopped them from doing something they had been looking forward to.

and now whenever friends want to hang out or do something with me i panic and worry that "maybe they don't actually want to be around me. they'll probably get really upset that i agreed to come over if i agree." because so much of my old friendships just felt like they were always trying to trick me into being the bad guy and i had to be so careful with every last thing i did or said or agreed to do. and i know its mean to think my current friends will be like that, and i know they won't but that doesn't really stop the feeling.

like when people offer me food i get scared because i use to get yelled at a lot for taking other people's food. like it was offered to me but i was suppose to say "no thank you" and i didn't know that. and im still uncertain if im missing some well known social rule or not. in some ways im grateful for my food intolerances these days because now not many people can offer me food, which is a big weight off my shoulders.

but now im having so many problems with like staying friends with people. everything in me tells me i shouldn't still be talking with my friends or asking to hang out because why would anyone want to hang out with me after a year or two of knowing me (and im going on knowing some of my friends for like 8 years now!). i feel like i have an expiration date. im very mentally ill and im not great at hiding it, it just doesn't really show itself to well if you only know me for a little bit i think. and i feel like im tricking all my friends into hanging around this terrible awful person who can't think straight. they have a lot of patience for me and i wish i could change faster. i kinda understand my issue and sometimes when im starting to worry im doing something that will make them angry with me later im able to talk my brain down. but sometimes i don't realize its happening and i just believe everything going through my mind as facts. it sounds so stupid to say all this and i know i am being stupid... but... idk i guess im too stupid to stop it and i think it makes me sound very rude to my friends.

but its not because i actually think they will be mean to me if i don't preform correctly, i don't even really have to preform in front of them... but its like... what if i actually fuck up this really good friendship? what if i do something that really upsets these good people? and so i try to push them away when im having very bad mental health times because i don't want to be a burden on them. but thats probably not very nice of me to do either...

its just very hard to not view myself as like.... ah this is going to sound kinky but as like an object of pleasure. and i don't want to lose my usefulness or else i might as well get thrown away. besides entertainment i don't really provide much else, im not skilled in anything. if there is something i do another friend they have probably does it better. and i start feeling like i should remove myself from their life because i start making myself feel like a piece of trash left in a coat pocket that should've been dumped years ago.

everyone is always telling me "you don't view others like that, so why do you view yourself like that?" and no one ever likes my answer that i actually believe myself to be sub-human. and disagree with me really isn't going to change that unfortunately, i have tried to think of myself as equal to any of my friends and it starts making me panic. i don't know why. but i have tried i really have and i don't think just changing my mindset is the first step of me. but i don't know what is (and im not suggesting my friends try and figure this out for me, i know its something i have to do alone)...

but this is making it so hard to be around friends, because i feel like i need to be offering them a service when i am with them. but lately work has me drained, im tired and exhausted, im struggling with writing and speaking clearly, my anxiety is so high. i just can't offer good service at the moment, or i can't think to offer it because im really bad at knowing when someone needs help. i always need them to ask me clearly for help or i won't understand and won't do it. and i don't want to accidentally hurt them, so i just try to shell up until its over but its been so long and im still in a bad mental mood. and my friends are asking to hang out but i dont want them to see me like this because its mean to them to be like this when they are so good.

and this is awful to admit but i like it best when my friends kinda force me to hang out with them. or give me no option but to be with them. i dont know why but it just makes it easier to loosen up a little and accept that they actually like me and want me to be around not just because i give them pleasure but because i am me. but thats so weird to ask friends to do...

ugh i just want to sustain these friends but i don't know how! i never learned how to keep up friendship! sometimes i wish i could just move somewhere else so i can stop worrying over it all and start over just like usual

[raincamp]

7 - 22 - 23

not me writing "[ bad thing was happening ] until [therapist] saved me" in my journal as if she's some sort of fucking messiah

i would call her my Favorite Person except for the fact that it feels wrong to give that term to my therapist of all people

but im terrified of her leaving me. i genuinely feel like i need her in order to survive. if she did, ever, actually give her input on what she thought of me as a person, my own self worth would be dependent on her, but right now its only dependent on my perception of what she thinks of me, which isn't necessarily the same thing.

i hate the fact that my life revolves around her, as if im mentally ill or something idk

more rambles about therapy ahead,, if you weren't already expecting it

i cannot stop thinking about her, i replay our sessions in my head so much that it borders on obsession. i still get embarrassed at the stupid things i say, i get angry about things she does, i feel defensive about her poking me where i dont want to be poked (metaphorically). i ruminate on it for weeks to the point where it fills the gaps in time where my brain should be idling. i fall asleep to the memories of me sitting in her office. its partly why i decided to continue this blog.

i want to be clear that this is not a romantic or sexual transference, i don't think i would even go as far as to call it platonic transference. i dont see her as a mother figure or best friend.

i know what our relationship entails, and i am comfortable in the fact that it is just a therapeutic relationship. one sided. focused on my treatment. it gives me stability, and security, that i am certain about where we stand with each other, and where her boundaries are. because one of my worst fears is crossing someones boundaries on accident.

that doesn't stop me from being absolutely fucking terrified of her abandoning me. it doesn't stop me from splitting on her. it doesn't stop me from going to extremes just to get her attention.

when i realized that this was happening, that my BPD shit was showing up in my relationship with my therapist, it fucking terrified me. anytime that i realize im falling into favorite person territory with anybody it terrifies me. having a FP is painful and scary at times. it turns me into somebody i dont recognize.

what's funny though, when i finally had that conversation with her about it, when i told her i finally came to the realization of what i was doing, when i apologized for the shit i was putting her through, i had expected this to be news to her, because it was news to me.

but she told me that she knew the entire time. she knew even before i realized it myself. she told me about how each week her and her supervisor (also my group therapist) had been discussing how best to handle the behaviors that i was projecting on her that were interfering with my treatment. how she recognized when i was splitting on her in session even though i didn't even fucking know i was splitting on her in session.

she even gave me specific examples of how she would wait until the perfect moment to bring something up, or how she would change her tone just to avoid reinforcing my behavior. she even told me about a specific instance in which she had difficulty keeping an implicit boundary with me because she could tell that it was hurting me, and that all that she really wanted to do was comfort me.

and i was completely un-fucking-aware.

i felt so dumb. and i also felt angry. and i also felt immensely cared for.

i recognize how lucky i am to have such a good therapist, its so incredibly rare to find someone that is as competent at treating BPD as she is. i mean, i can't even handle my shit but somehow she's a fucking master at it. it honestly astounds me how she's this good and she's just in training. and shes only 5 years older than me. :')

i love her so fucking much.

and its surprising me that i even typed that out, considering that three hours ago i sent her a text telling her how angry i was at her and how i hated her.

borderline be borderlining ig

- andrew

[haitaini]

hanma handcuffed to the bedframe probably with a vibrator on his dick n you just leave him there so when you come back he's fucked out from overstimulation with pools of cum all over his upper body n thigh

oh god i love subby hanma so much yall dont understand..

warnings: subby hanma, femdom reader, overstimulation, subspace and aftercare. also degradation cause he lives for that shit keke

"since you dont know how to fucking act anymore, youre gonna stay here until im done with my work, understood shuji?" you mutter, frustrated from the constant bratty behavior hes been showing all day. he nods, watching you tie the ropes around his wrists together, a pretty bright red surrounding his arms and legs, a vibrator tied to his cock as well, although its not on yet.

the thought of whats going to happen to him giving him a strong adrenaline rush, excitement flooding his brain. he is going to be properly fucked out. the mental picture of it is making his cock twitch and that does not go unnoticed by you. furrowing your brows together and frowning, you slap his thigh, making sure the impact stings after a few seconds which makes him moan out. "whore.." you mutter and continue with what youre doing.

"okay, im gonna go continue with my work, ill be back in around an hour or so, got it? nod if you do," you let out, leaning against the door frame of your shared bedroom. he nods, wondering why the vibrator isnt buzzing yet, he even thought that maybe his dick is broken. "perfect, be good okay pretty boy? ill come back soon." you grin and walk out, leaving hanma staring in confusion. why the fuck isnt it working? did she start it yet? he would call you and ask, but you gagged him using his damp, filthy boxers so hes unable to.

however, his thoughts immediately get interrupted as he feels vibrations erupting to his cock, letting out a loud muffled moan at the stimulation. he was already turned on, pent up sexual frustration eating at him which resulted in him asking for your attention the entire time while youre trying to get your report ready for work, but he wouldnt have it. because of that, he feels himself nearing to an orgasm faster than he thought he would, cock twitching uncontrollably, letting out the most pitiful whines and moans as he cums all over himself, spurting out in four powerful spurts messing up his chest.

at this point he'd have a break to calm down before he continues with you, but that did not happen and the vibrator just kept on buzzing on his poor sensitive dick. shocks of pain shooting through his body as his oversensitive cock continues getting stimulated and he realizes, oh shit, im literally gonna get tortured in this hour or so. he has tears welling up in his eyes, wetting his lashes before he unconsciously starts bucking his hips, squirming all over the bed, cock begging for the buzzing to stop. but hanma feels like he's in heaven, the pain making his head go dumb, melting out of his ears as he tries to moan out your name before cumming once again, but this time in weaker spurts.

this continues for another thirty minutes. too weak to move any part of his body, or even moan and whine. hes completely fucked out, his eyes lidded and the prettiest blush decorating his face, sweat dripping down the side of his head. you enter the room, watching him pant, his chest moving up and down and the moment he spots you, he lets out the weakest whine youve ever heard him let out. you coo at the sight, basically drowning in his own cum making you grin before you reach for the remote and turn it off. "aww look at my pretty boy, you fucked out enough yet? did you get to cum the way you were begging to earlier? huh, you fucking bratty bitch?" you murmur, watching more tears slide down his face as he nods and lets out a weak "yes mommy" in reply. "good boy, still got your manners hm? how many times did you cum?" you ask, running your fingers through his sweaty hair, your heart melting at the sight of him so weak and vulnerable. "too dumb to remember angel? thats okay, im here now. lets get you cleaned up and fed, i got your favorite, baby!" you say smiling at his attempt in grinning as you hand him a glass or room temp water. "mkay, love you."

[bonefries]

I rate Sigma Overwatch’s sprays from 0-10

alright lets go, just going in the order that these files come in this folder

1000/10: Because I get to see him sitting and even though he’s thinking hard about something he’s throwing a bouncy ball to help him focus. Also his hair is particularly white here and I think thats very sexy old man of him.

50/10: Catbox, Catboy, its all the same theory. Sigma likes catboys, not up for debate. We know why. 

3/10: Just not fond of it. I know the sprays and their rendering gets super obscured but this one just got absolutely decimated I guess. Just being real with yall. 

10/10: Like the shading colors, he’s smirking. Rock vaguely looks like a heart. Love that for him. 

6/10: I just don’t like how the hat was drawn. I don’t think it needed to be there or could’ve been shaped better. Other than that decent spray. Wish he was happier looking though. 

9/10: I have this spray as a sticker and its just very cute fsr. Its simple and the color is exquisite and nice on the eyes. 

100000000000/10: There is something mysteriously and eerily sexy about this spray and it’s one of my favorites.  

2/10: Just because he is my husband doesn’t mean I’m not going to be an honest man. I Highly Dislike this spray because I think the art style is unappealing af. It’s just a personal preference, I hate all of the sprays that come in this style.  i didnt realize how long this post was going to be so im doing the rest under the cut to spare everyone else’s life: 

9/10: Solid rating with no goofing. While I take up some issues with some of the expressions in his other sprays showing pain, there is something about the composition of this one that I absolutely love. Its very aesthetic for me, speaks to his character, and the colors are beautiful. Wish his eyes were his usual periwinkle though which is why this isn’t receiving a perfect score. 

5/10: Not really sure what it is about this one that I’m not so fond of. I can appreciate the colors and his profile. But other than that theres something visually here that I don’t find appealing. Not sure what it is.

8/10: Decent rating, its nothing crazy. Since reference and has nice colors but thats about all my critique for this one.

11/10: Lovely hand, lovely gesture. Wanna squish the bean pads. Nice colors. 

6/10: This one is actually one of my favorites despite the rating not being solid. Only because while I love the colors and the concept, the idea of it makes me sad. The idea that it reflects Sieb’s trauma makes me sad, despite it being a rational depiction of such. 

50000000/10: love little christmas charm sieb, hope he gets a skin of this outfit some day. Hes so cute. Happy smiles thats all I want. I could kiss him.

3/10: CONTRARY TO POPULAR BELIEF I’M NOT ACTUALLY SUPER ABOUT THIS SPRAY. WHY? Because I’m being nitpicky and I want him receptors on the sides to be THE TEAL THAT THEY ARE. Not GREEN. 

5/10: I feel like halfway rating with this one is fair. I like to imagine that thats Sieb’s hand writing and that makes me happy. But this spray is hard to look at for long periods of time because this kind of text squish is hurtful on my eyes. 

9/10: I actually hate this skin but fsr the spray makes it incredibly sexy. It actually got sexier the second time (this time) that I looked at it. Good for him.

6/10: Reasons for this rating, while I love the pose and intimidation this spray is posing, I also get sad to see Sieb’s strained expressions. I think his powers do have limits and they do effect him depending. And seeing all this big ass heavy equipment on him gives me conflicted feelings. He has a lot to carry, and he’s just lucky he has gravity powers to help. (I mean this metaphorically and literally.)

7/10: I love the art and concept on this one. He’s just so grumpy looking is all. My poor boy. 

9/10: He’s 7 ft tall and it shows and I am here for it. 

9/10: Remember when I said I was conflicted about seeing all that equiptment on him? Well its true, but I’m just going full thirst on this spray to say look at how fucking massive this man is. I want him to grab me with those hands and pitch me like a baseball. 

4/10: The pained expression in this along with the concept of it (as well as connection once again to his trauma) unsettles me and makes me feel the brain hurting juice. Nothing further.

1000000000000000000/10: This is one of my favorite sprays because its just casual work setting and gives me more insight on his lab uniform. His hair here also gets me barking like a rabid chihuahua. 

10/10: This gets a solid rating for A) Lab Coat Outfit and B) Seeing him again with the help of an object to stim while he thinks. (The squeeze ball) 

10/10: I cant not give halloween Sieb a solid score. I think this is adorable, but I don’t believe it’s Sieb as a kid. I think it’s just a child dressed up like him with no attachment to lore or anything. But its still very cute. 

100/10: I love the pixel sprays so much, simple and cute. 

6/10: I’m really not too crazy about the pose for the dragon spray. I feel like they could’ve done something a little more dynamic especially given he has gravity powers. But alas. 

9/10: This spray is on the same level as the apple head spray from earlier on in the post. Congrats if you’ve made it this far btw. But I love the soft expression on the left being challenged with the frightened/frustrated one on the right. 

0/10: I am not fond of this spray because of how much pain he appears to be in along with the implications all the junk flying around him has. Upsets me. 

50/10: I don’t care about the fish onions I just care about looking at my husbands huge ass arms and seeing him enjoy a smelly fish treat. Its what he deserves. Also what that mouth do. 

10/10: Solid perfect score because I have strong emotions about Van Gogh. And I think the interest between Siebren and Van Gogh, especially as two men who were/are fighting with mental illness speaks volumes about Sieb’s character. This spray makes me feel something in my chest that I can’t whole heartedly explain, but it isn’t a bad thing. 

10/10: Another perfect score, because I think this spray is a good mixture of Sieb’s character between the musical elements and his scientific work. He’s also smiling which is rare to find in his sprays.  

544386238043723507435742634387236804307403857435748035474803548744307384385740385748037408357438570480bark bark barK BARK /10: sexiest image in the entire game of overwatch nobody @ me i dont take constructive criticism 

[literaphobe]

The thing is, mich, it’s not even just what you said about Chrissy. Which was shitty. I just think you’re toxic. Like publicly celebrating because two people you dislike broke up? How can you think that’s okay? I don’t even know who you were talking about tbh but that’s fucked up.

I honestly don’t have any ill will toward you but you have to realize we’re not all crazy or evil or whatever. You’re just not a very nice person. But I don’t want you to stop writing or have a mental health crisis or anything. Just like maybe try to be nicer? Idk.

You don’t have to publish this. Or you can. Idc.

im going to be completely honest here because i need to get this off my chest or i won’t sleep:

- i have spent hours thinking about the situation with chrissy. i have been wracking my brain this entire time trying to find context for it. friends i’ve spoken to have also told me they have zero memory of me saying anything hateful or spiteful about them. of course in the dms u talk shit or say not nice stuff about things you don’t like even if it isn’t malicious. but of everyone that i could’ve possibly felt comfortable saying something like this to, none of them remember me saying anything. obviously im not saying my memory is the law, but in the case that i really did say a fic of theirs is boring and badly characterized and that i only pretended to like it, i am genuinely sorry and i was devastated to know that chrissy felt betrayed by me, whether it was true or not. all i can say is that’s definitely not an opinion i hold, and i continue to wish chrissy the best. that’s what tore me apart the most about all this. i also genuinely really liked you so finding out that you blocked me and hated me also really upset me. neither of you are obligated to change that stance, i’m just telling my truth

- the other stuff: i regret treating this place like its a privtwt account. that was really stupid and dumb of me and i apologize for the posts i made. i don’t just laugh at people out of nowhere. i laughed at a person i didn’t like no longer being in a romantic relationship as a joke. it’s a bad joke, and it’s not an excuse, and i shouldn’t have been publicly dwelling on past beef. i was in a bad headspace, and i still am to be frank, but i should have shut up . i’ll admit that! but it’s not out of nowhere. a certain circle who i won’t name were brutal to me and contained people who either privately or publicly subtweeted me and shit on me and a bunch of them were cheering and laughing when that honest fic review shit happened. some of them only changed their minds or pretended to care when they realized the account was gunning for multiple writers or saw what the tl was saying. maybe im not the only one who needs to be nicer. i will also say i would not have known half the people i’ve ever vagued on here if none of them had ever said anything about me. since im apparently being crucified over something i supposedly said in private, does that mean everyone’s all good and chill with being held accountable for what they said whether public/private?