#its because i have a dumb indecisive brain.

[pomefioredove]

My brain is kinda sluggish plus I'm indecisive but also i did like several of these (also if i need to divide up this post let me know)

I have no clue which i like best so i simply made a list but let me know if i need to chunk it up

For Riddle Rosehearts

"If you obey all the rules, you miss all the fun." Or "I'm putting you on my to-do list."

For Vil Schoenheit

"Don't bite your lip, I want to do that."

For Ruggie

"You like me because I'm a scoundrel."

vil done here!

summary: "if you obey all the rules, you miss all the fun." type of post: short fic characters: riddle additional info: romantic, reader is gender neutral, reader is yuu, maybe ooc, post book 1

You think it's a pretty pathetic sight, but you make no mention of it. Their egos are bruised enough as it is.

"How long?" you ask, sitting across from the shackled duo.

Ace knocks against the solid collar around his neck. "Not long... But we can't present like this,"

You were hoping he wouldn't say that.

And just a day after you told them not to do anything stupid this week, too...

Deuce says nothing; he's been sulking at the end of the table like a puppy with its tail between its legs for the entire lunch period.

"Have you tried reasoning?" you ask. "Maybe he can take them off for the presentation, then put them back on?"

Ace scoffs. "Reason? With Riddle?"

"I thought he was trying to be more lenient?"

"He is," Deuce mutters, hanging his head. "But that just means he only dishes out punishments when someone really deserves it..."

"It was just a stupid painting!" Ace says.

"That we set on fire!"

You look between the two as they bicker over the accident, bewildered by their lack of concern about where this puts you.

Ace and Deuce were supposed to perform the magical component of your defense project, while you and Grim presented. Now...?

You stand. "I'll talk to Riddle,"

Your friends share a pitiful look, but do nothing to stop you as you hurry out of the room.

Surely, Riddle will understand. He wouldn't let you suffer from Ace and Deuce's mistake!

"No," he says.

"But-"

Riddle beheads the wilting flower of a rose with a sharp snap of his shears. It tumbles into the underbrush.

"They destroyed a priceless piece of art. It was hundreds of years old!" he snaps, leaving no room for disagreement. "They should be thankful it's only a week."

He moves on to the next browning rose, inspecting its petals before decapitating it, too.

"But I didn't do anything. I told them not to do anything dumb, I tried to reason with them,"

"Reason? With Ace and Deuce?" he scoffs.

"I would recommend asking for an extension on your assignment until they've carried out their sentence,"

It's too late to ask for another week; he must know that. And you're not giving up so easily.

There must be something you can say...

"But it was an accident,"

Riddle scoffs. "Of course it was. And the rules clearly state that accidental arson of a painting more than three hundred years old must be punished by losing their heads,"

Rules. Great. This is quickly becoming a lost cause.

"There has to be some other way they can be punished," you say. "You said you weren't going to lose your head about these things anymore."

He sighs, rolling his eyes as if frustrated with you. "The rules-"

"Come on, Riddle- If you obey all the rules, you miss all the fun!"

Riddle stops. For a moment, it's almost like... he's actually considering your offer.

"...What exactly did you have in mind?"

-

"This is what you call a compromise?!"

Ace's head of fiery hair pops up, the color a striking contrast against the green of the hedge maze.

You shrug. Riddle, sitting across from you as you watch the two tend to the shrubbery, almost giggles.

"The Prefect has been more than fair. If anything, you should be thanking them for the opportunity to end your punishment early," he says, pouring you another cup of tea.

Ace grumbles, scratching his neck under his collar.

Deuce nudges him, and the two get back to work on trimming the hedges, a puny pair of shears in each hand.

Riddle smiles. "I must say, I'm rather impressed by your persuasion skills. It's not often that I change the terms of a punishment after it's dealt,"

"Well, I didn't want to fail on their account,"

"I heard that!" Ace yells. Riddle grins again.

"Perhaps your ingenuity will inspire them, then," he hums, cupping his tea in his palms.

"In the meantime, I believe another tea party is in order for tomorrow afternoon- they have a lot of ground to cover. Care to join?"

[yan-lorkai]

Can we please have some hcs or oneshot where Yuu works at Mostro Lounge and has to deal with a difficult costumer? How would the octotrio react if said costumer tried to hit or insult Yuu? Platonically or romantic it's funny btw, thanks!

.⁠｡⁠*⁠♡ A/N: I was indecisive between platonic or romantic so I left ambiguous. I hope u enjoy, darling!

.⁠｡⁠*⁠♡ Warning: Yandere content, Floyd beating a random and reader knowing about their yandere tendencies but liking nonetheless.

A death wish. This customer has a death wish, holding you by the collar of your shirt while he glares right at you as a predator to his prey. You aren't a prey though, not that he knows this.

You look down, his blazer wet from the drink you purposely spilled on it because he was an annoying asshole. He looks angry or something but you don't care. Instead you focus on the reaction of your co-workers, some tremble knowing what's coming, others running to get Jade and Floyd. You almost can't wait.

"Sir," You smiled how Jade taught you. Sweet, disarmingly. Your fingers coming around to hold his wrist. "I apologize for this little accident. Though if you insist on being violent there will be consequences."

"Yeah and? Those idiot eels can't save ya now. I only need a second to mess your face!" He snorted, unable to stop the toothy grin from dominating his smug face. He was dumb, and oh so fascinating, you almost wished to study his brain but you knew not much would rest of him when your tweels got him.

He slapped you on your face hard enough that it send you stumbling to the ground, his hand already reaching for his magic pen, its tip lit by flames so bright your skin screamed. So hot, unbearably so, like fire. “You are nothing but a mere employee, you should know the customer is always right."

He was ready to strike you with all his might when a strong hand landed on his shoulder. It's was Floyd. The usual smiley eel was frowning now but a dark glint was raising on his eyes, mischievous, evil. He used to look at you like that when you used to tell him to leave you alone, though he was obviously more softer when roughhousing with you. With this customer though?

"Are you alright, my pearl?" Jade asks, helping you stand up and searching for injuries. But you assure him you're fine with a nod of your head, feeling if anything a little tired. It was so noisy today. And you were kind used to dealing with these type of costumers, used to see the punishments and then getting coddled by your favorite trio.

"Mind accompany me to Azul's office?" Jade offered you his arms which you accepted but still didn't move an inch. A smug smile now on your lips as the customer who was arguing with you now shaked under Floyd's stare. As he should.

"Destroy him," you said to him, eyeing the customer who pushed you. "and be quick, Floyd darling."

Then you walked to Azul's office, ignoring Floyd's laugh and the sounds of his fists hitting the other guy's face. You were used to things like that happening frequently but it did bother you that this was the only way for people to behave. The only way to correct their behavior, as this wasn't gonna happen if he wasn't harassing you and making uncomfortable comments about you.

The screams of pain and the smell of something burning was all you kept in your mind as you sat in Azul's office, Jade putting a glass of water on your hands for you to drink before seating by your side.

"Unbelievable," Azul looked at you, at your uniform crumpled. He stood up from his usual spot and held your face on his hands, so sofly, so lovingly, leaving a kiss on your forehead. "I can't leave you alone one minute, angelfish, look what he did to you!"

He pressed on a small scratch in your cheeks, swelled and hurting, it made you wince and Azul was not happy with it. You could see him planning something. Planning a revenge against that guy.

"Floyd better off him for touching you." Jade said, cleaning the scratch gently. "If he don't, perhaps I'll have something to nimble on later."

You laughed. They were overprotective of you, they were before, they are now. You kinda like it. You like their gentleness, the softness, the slow dancing with Azul when he didn't have a new victim to trick, cooking with Floyd and splashing water on Jade while you wash the dishes. The simple moments with them were precious, each and every single one. And of course you knew about their dark side, could see it as clear as day but you accepted them nevertheless.

As if you have a choice. You knew about the house they built underwater, decorated how you like, full of things you loved. You knew a lot of things even if you pretended you don't.

After making sure you weren't hurt and that everything was fine, they both wrapped an arm around your shoulders and pulled you into a tight hug. “I love you guys, you know that?"

Azul hummed, exhaling in your scent as Jade leaned in to kiss your unharmed cheek. You knew they were swearing and angry at themselves to let you be alone out there, Jade and Azul stared at each other as if exchanging guilt and you didn't want them to feel like this. You held each of them their hand and squeezed both hard enough to get their attention.

"We should go out and do something," you suggested tiredly but your eyes lighted up with excitement with the prospect of doing something with your favorite trio. But before any plans could be made, Floyd barged into the office, his once-white shirt now stained crimson. As he always did, a wide grin stretched across his face, sending shivers down your spine.

As Floyd entered, we could see he was carrying a battered bag in one hand and clutching his side with the other. "He won't bother you anymore, Shrimp. I've made sure of it, ehehe."

Before anyone could respond, Floyd started recounting what he did in great detail, how he punched and squeezed and how the guy screamed. He throw himself in your lap mid-tale, wrapping his arms around your tummy. "Oi, shrimp pet my head." He asked.

And you did, combing through his strands delicately while he continued rambling. "And then I've dragged him outta here and told him not to come back."

"Thank you," you said to him. Then turned to Jade and Azul "and you two too!"

You didn't need to be comforted but their gesture was so sweet. If you have those three with you, you guess that you're going to be fine. Though you do wonder, would they laugh if they found out you did this on purpose? You can only imagine their answer as you wasn't planning to tell them.

[sleepy-vix]

Im literally in the same situation as you (uni and all) and I get it. It is so terrifying especially because it seems like everyone is so far ahead of you. But I learned that I should just follow my own pace and try to ignore everyone else (as hard as that is) because a lot of people like to pretend they have it all together just to make others feel bad. So yeah. Good luck with everything!

awh tysm!! its really good to know that other people feel the same panic that i do. i want to make the right decision so bad but i still feel too young to be making such monumental decisions.

im just gonna... go ahead and dump all my anxieties. sometimes its good to just type it out and release it into the sea.

i want to pursue stem but its such an isolating and cold environment that im afraid of killing my brain and heart in the process. i dont even really like stem, but im good at it, and it pays well. i want to get a good job because i hate financially burdening my parents. i want to pay off everything for them so they can rest.

but also i want to protect the warmth i have for literature and the arts. a part of me longs to be a writer, a publisher, a journalist. i want to pursue literature. i want to be a content creator. but lets be so fr rn, i cant afford that path. its too risky, and if i dont make a lot of money, then... thats wasted potential on my part and alot of wasted money on my parents part.

these sides of me war with eachother, and it makes me want to retreat into my a state of paralysis, which is stupid because i should be out there making a plan and sorting out my shit but its just so frustrating because im too dumb and young to even know where to start.

i want to ask my teachers for help, but they look at my grades and assume that i've got everything sorted. people think that because ive got good grades, i must be way on top of everything, when that isnt true at all. i had to claw and cry and hope my way to those grades, but i cant tell anyone at all because they wouldnt believe me.

my own father and mother offer no advice for my anxieties. they think im the capable child of all my siblings, the smart one. im nothing to worry about. its so lonely.

i hate not knowing what i want to do. i wish i could be the self assured person that everyone views me to be. i wish it were as easy as picking something and sticking with it, but im so fucking indecisive because i worry about picking the wrong thing.

but whatever. i'll sort it out

thank you for reading this far. i dont know why you would do that. please dont worry about me. i'll be okay. im really lucky. im really grateful. i'll be okay. i'll be okay.

[sleepingwithinkink2-0]

Facts InTo The Oblivion :

Sometimes I can be indecisive... Because my brain tries to process multiple outcomes.. I know every action has a reaction so almost every action i set forth has a reason.. Devour of books. Lover of rain. I adore classical music, (my classical Raindrops playlist is probably one of my favorite playlist I've made) but I'll listen to just about anything . Violin and piano are my two favorite instruments. Daydreamer. Puzzles. Sudokus, Chess, I can guarantee I'll win the first game but after that it's anyone's game. Walking. Typing, I love the noise of the keyboard clacking away. Autumn is my favorite season, for a hundred different reasons and spring is my second. I am a quiet shy person observing and questioning the world around me, unless I feel comfortable then I never shut up. I love to listen to people talk about their passions and dreams . Their random ideas. I have a dirty mind once I'm comfortable with someone there is no filter . I try not to take things so seriously. I know we are born with death beneath our flesh.. Open minded. Curious as fuck. I don't believe in anything fully. Night owl. People watcher . True crime junkie. A storage unit full of memories. Poetry . Multifandom. Caffeine fiend. No matter the season my coffee always needs to be iced. Flat soda. Quotes. A lover of art.. I think it's amazing! Everyone sees the world differently and captures its essences in their own unique way. Photography. All my tattoos have multiple meanings.. Nickname space cadet. I enjoy playing cozy games like star dew valley. But Kingdom Hearts and final fantasy will always have a place in my heart. I'd rather take the back roads than the highway any day.. I like watching movies, but I have to be in the right mood because I really get really into them.. My heart, beats fast with action packed movies on the edge of my seat.. or in horror movies telling that dumb bitch to run don't turn around! or crying on the sad parts . I used to hate how I would cry , but fuck it. Sometimes I tear up when I see strangers helping each other.. I enjoy cooking and the process of cleaning as I go.. I like trying new things, except butt sex no thank you. Thrift stores. Nature. Driving with no destination listening to music. I like spending a lot of time alone... It's rare to catch me out in the wild without a book.. sushi . Deep thinker. I'm always early to work, reading in my car .. foxes are my favorite animal. Studio Ghibli . Magic the gathering . Painting . I don't tell people I like writing, but I have poems written on the back of receipts , napkins, in between pages, tucked away in places forgotten.. I don't like opening gifts in front of people. I love flowers , my favorite is forgot me nots .. Haruki Murakami. Carlos Ruiz Zafon. Alan Watts . My dream job is to be a librarian Blah blah blah .

-Danny Sheehan

10.09.24

[atmymercy]

Feedback

Hii sis!!!! im glad that youre doing great! Im doing well too, thank you for the reading!>o<

Im very perfeccionist lol and if we are alike i bet that youre perfectionism too right?? lolol thank you for the advice!! I'm taking too long to make my crochet bag because it doesn't turn out the way I wanted, it's quite painful to be a perfectionist, right? but a small good side of all our heads judging us is that we learn more and the work we do is well done

And about the reading I hadn't connected the dots of why im being so indecisive about things and made totaI sense, i can't take responsibility for my own decisions and thats im afraid of that negative part, its really true! I really admire people who can handle their responsibilities because i don't know how to use my brain very well rationally i'm very ""dumb"" and one of the reason of it is the fear of making mistakes and end up messing up or doing big mistakes and and end up disturbing the people around me... in the end i missed many many good opportunities because of that lol but this homework there is very painful sis lol, I didnt understand at the beginning why I have to write positive things about myself and I confess that it is very difficult but I understand that this is important to build confidence to dont 🏃‍♀️💨 of the responsibilities so i will do it!

Take care and i hope you have a good week xoxoxoxox

hello p!

good! i'm glad you're feeling good, lil sis! perfectionism has its perks and downfalls. the more you acknowledge that the easier it is to see how it can also be bringing you down. why? because as much as you fear making mistakes, mistakes are actually a superpower! the ability to make a mistake and still love yourself is a gift! a gift we all have but don't always appreciate. mistakes are meant to be, honey! you making a mistake isn't just a mistake, it's a learning chance! every time you avoid something because of a mistake or you may look "dumb", is a moment! a gift! a learning opportunity! that you didn't take.

by abstaining from such decisions, you stay the same. you don't grow. and we both know you are meant for growth, honey! stagnancy is what creates all this anxiety, depression and worse, more fears. so my wish for you is that you let yourself feel dumb! by feeling dumb, we can understand so much more.

have fun with your list, honey! and thank you! i can't excited for my good week! woot! you too on your week!

love & light!

-tea

[atenementfunster]

@akindofmagicblog replied to your chat “Roger, texting the band: Everytime you get dressed, remember that, if...”

lol ok so this is a genuine question I have about atmr @atenementfunster does roger only wear the clothes he died in? Because if so he would be wearing the same thing every time he met Brian...

this is actually going to be addressed soon! (to be honest i was going to bring it up in chapter 3, but the dialogue just didn’t flow right, so here we are)

[snappleapple]

their favorite types of kisses

people in this - dream, georgenotfound, sapnap, wilbur, punz, jschlatt, awesamdude, quackity

headcanon!

the most disgusting fluff i’ve ever written

warning - cursing, i think that’s all but if there is more please do not hesitate to tell me :)

word count - 2k

a/n: okay okay, i might’ve lied earlier about that being my last post but this was short and easy to make which is why i would like to feed my readers this early haha. anyways, enjoy and please disregard the errors in this post, i hate proof reading anything lol. also, i’ve been very indecisive on the title and i might change it later and ooh, my masterlist will be made soon. i’ve just been feeling very unproductive these days. also, please put in requests, i am so bored and dumb therefore there are no ideas in this brain. and if you’d like a part 2, i might add more people for the part 2!anyways, peace!

dream -

i get the feeling that dream’s favorite type of kisses would be cheek kisses

he just likes to watch as you struggle to reach his height

“aw look at those little legs do their thing.”

ends up with you not giving him his kiss

and mans becomes SO pouty

“y/n…come on. don’t be this way.” :(

if you don’t kiss him on the cheek, will also become SO clingy and whiny

“why won’t you KISS ME!”

clenches his fists and stomps away like a teenage girl during puberty

slamming the door to your room

so then you have to go and give him all the kisses he wants

his face is slammed into your pillow

you sit on the side of the bed and pet his hair

leading him to stare up at you with puppy dog eyes

“i will give you all the kisses you want. so stop being so pouty, you big baby.”

will literally leave zero feet of space between you and him

taps his cheek to tell you he wants kisses

when you go on dates, will literally make you stand on your tippy toes to get his kisses

does not bend down at all and actually lifts his head higher to tease you

in other words, clingy but rude hoe

george -

george is a classic romantic

he loves just lip kisses

pecks or lingering ones

he doesn’t care

mans don’t need too many kisses

nor does he need to be too clingy

total opposite of dream and sapnap *ahem clingy ahem*

if he wants a kiss,

he will come over to you and get it

doesn’t get pouty if you’re busy

just waits patiently

doesn’t enjoy it when you interrupt him when he’s streaming so you do your own thing

when you’re watching a movie with him,

he will literally only stare at you with his cute smile

and listen to your every criticism of the movie

he likes to just peck your lips whenever he feels like it

and you’re just not surprised anymore

just likes to stare at your lips whenever you talk

overall, is very sweet but not to an extent with showing affection

sapnap -

omg

sapnap just vibes with neck kisses

it tickles his neck and he loves them

giggles when you pepper kisses along his neck and flushes a deep red

“y/n. stop.” giggles between each word

but when you do, becomes the saddest person in the whole world

“i was joking.” :(

when he’s streaming and he begins to miss you

would leave his room and find you just to get a kiss

just like dream, would get angry if you give him no kisses

“GIVE ME KISSIES!”

very amusing for you

and you love to tease him

“i don’t want to give you kissies.”

continues to stare at you with a large frown until you give in and give him kissies

lsg supremacy but i’ll get into this later hehe

you better give him kisses or you’ll be dealing with a very sad sapnap

sadnap :(

wilbur -

wilbur, wilbur, wilbur

what can i even say

total nose kiss guy

i bet he’ll boop your nose twenty four seven

asks stupid questions just to get your attention

“y/n?”

“yes wilbur?”

“is a hotdog a sandwich?”

“why-“

“boop.”

“did you just say boop while you booped my nose?”

if he’s streaming and you bring him a snack

he will hold your face still and leave kisses on your nose

not too clingy but not too distant

likes to be just right with you

if its snowy outside and your noses get red

makes dumb jokes about he is rudolph and you’re mrs. rudolph

just a lot of smooches from wilby

takes you to a lot of hidden cafes in the city

and while you read, he balances his head on his palm, staring at you in admiration

if you’re insecure about your nose, you legit can’t be around wilbur because he will go on a tangent about how beautiful it is

substantially, soft boy hours all day bro, besides when he gets mad then you leave the hormonal man tf alone

punz -

i don’t see a lot of punz on tumblr so here we go

punz loves hand kisses

not to an extent where he has a hand fetish

god no but just like

when your holding hands, he’ll occasionally pull your hand up to his lips and leave a kiss

lots of hand holding

and i mean lots

constantly gets mad fun of for being a simp but ignores those comments because he genuinely loves you so much

likes it when you play with his hair and messing it up

also likes to compare hand sizes with you

always has a hand on your thigh or your hand in his whenever he is driving somewhere with you

even when you go on dates, always holding hands

no matter how sweaty your hand gets, he will hold on

sometimes if he holds on for too long, you have to tell him to let go

“punz, my hand is super sweaty. lets take a break from the hand holding.”

would flat out decline so you would have to pry your hand out of his

he would also love it when you would kiss his hand

makes him feel all polite and precious LOL

would also wrap his pinky along yours when you walk together

he once came with you to a family gathering for christmas and was so SHY

shy boy held your hand for security while your younger siblings made fun of you

afterwards, when you were under a mistletoe, he kisses you on the lips before kissing you on his favorite part of your body,

your hand

c!jschlatt -

jschlatt is a whole mess

the first time you met, he confessed that he would hate you for as long as you lived because you made fun of his boots

now he says he still strongly dislikes you but you’re more tolerable

doesn’t like it when you make him soft and HATES it when he blushes

“why must you do this to me, mother nature?”

also “hates” it when you even touch him because he “hates” you

when he actually confessed to you that he liked you with his grumpy usual grandpa voice,

you kissed him on his forehead, after he bent down of course

he is an actual giant and threatens to squash you like an ant if he feels the need to

is an absolute monster to you but loves it when you kiss his forehead because it makes him feel secure and loved

likes to watch the wind blow through your hair and mess it up but gives you his hat because he like you being “all pretty and shit”

gets SUPER jealous when you hug children

like for example, when you went over to a family gathering at his house, his cousins came up to hug you

and when you let go of the child, the man child comes and lugs you over his shoulder

gets yelled at by his mom and gives her a sheepish smile before rolling his eyes and throwing you down on the sofa set next to him

his mom doesn’t approve of the way he treats you but you tell her its fine because he’s cute

when you are far from any type of civilization or in the safety and solitude of your own home, he wants kisses on the forehead

pointing up to it and bending down so you could reach it

“y/n, i only love you because of your forehead kisses.”

“you only love me for my kisses?” :(

“mhm.”

actually feels slightly bad

“and because of your personality.”

“thank you-“

“shut up. we don’t talk about this.”

in conclusion, give him his forehead kisses or perish

awesamdude -

sam just adores it when you give him jawline kisses

not because it’s basically the only place you could reach but because it’s a sweet gesture

sam is all about sweetness

i mean have you even seen this man on his stream

he likes to watch you while you have conversations with your friends

not in a creepy way but more like an adoring way

cause man does he love you

i mean not only does he love you but his whole family does

and when you’re alone with sam, you love to bury him underneath all of your love

“i love you sam!”

“no i love you more y/n!”

“NO i LOVE you more!”

“NO i LOVE you MORE!”

“SAM NO. I LOVE YOU MORE!”

“okay thank you sweet pea.”

leaving you a bit confused but happy that he accepts your love

when you cuddle, omg

he never stops peppering kisses all over your face and vice versa because your relationship is disgustingly fluffy

when he lends you one of his sweatshirts, you sure as hell better wear that shit out or else (i am leaving a blank threat here)

sam loves technology but you guys sort of have a system

a system that involves mailing each other love letters rather than texting them

you guys also go on a ton of walks just about anywhere

hand holding is mandatory even though you probably look like a child compared to him

just give sam lots of love and in return, you’ll receive lots of love

quackity -

mans cannot leave you tf alone

likes to do ANYTHING freaky around you

“i will follow you to the ends of the earth, mi amor.” or

“ayy, back off.” if anyone gets too close to you

messes with you twenty four seven and makes it his job to drive you insane

plays horror games at two in the morning for fun

and when he gets scared, hides in the safety of your arms

“mi amor. i’m scared.”

“shut the fuck up and sleep, alex.”

“okay.” shuts up quickly and snuggles deeper into the crook of your neck

loves you so deeply but HATES your cat

“look at that little dumb thing stare at me. you got a problem bro?”

your cat also HATES alex

scratches him all the time and hisses at him

if you think sapnap is babie, wait till you meet alex

“y/n he bit me!”

when you glance down, you don’t even see a scratch

“kiss my boo boo.”

wtf

“what boo boo? there’s nothing there.”

gasps as if you offended him

“this boo boo that your el demonio did to me.”

this man will do anything to get boo boo kisses

istg, you once found him provoking your cat to get some scratches

in alex’s mind, ouchies = kisses from y/n

always has ouchies from god knows where and shows it to you

even though you find it annoying at first, you grow used to it and it sorta becomes your thing with alex

alex is babie and you need to take good care of him :)

[uhoh-but-yeah-alright]

Thank you so much to the wonderful @haztobegood @disgruntledkittenface and @littleroverlouis for tagging me to share five of my fics that I really like (and bless whomever first framed this game like this and not strictly as favorites - my pathological indecision appreciates you!) Like many others have said, this could be five completely different fics on another day, but on this one, these are the five that drew out the purest urge to pinch their cheeks lovingly as I scanned through my list of works on ao3. 

Nice Boys Sometimes Kiss Like That (Harry & David Rose)

Harry Styles showing up at David Rose’s latest gallery opening is certainly unexpected. The way he saves David not only from his asshole ex but maybe even his own self-loathing is nothing David could have seen coming. And it might be exactly what he needs.

My rarest of rare pairs maybe? Smooshing together two of my beloveds was such a treat. I just really love this Harry - maybe because he’s closest to how I think/hope Harry is in real life. And I'm really proud of how I captured David Rose and managed to sprinkle in Schitt’s Creek tidbits. Plus, writing a non-romantic pairing that still includes a kiss was definitely a new thing for me. This bb has...so few hits and kudos LOL but that was completely expected and I’m just glad there are a few people out there who live in this intersection with me (or were at least willing to give it a whirl). 

Knock Knockers! Who’s There? (Larry)

Harry's penchant for distracting Louis from work in increasingly creative ways leads to exploring a brand new fantasy they both seem to share.

The way the @motorboatrryfest2021 took over my entire damn mind was a complete surprise and a total joy and the five fics I ended up churning out for it are some of my absolute favorites and I’m absurdly proud of every single one. This was the first/only I had planned to write and I just love the mix of humor and fluff and smut. It feels like a good representation of me and my favorite fic writing vibe.

doG...and his friend (Larry)

When Joan has to move out of her small, nice home and in with a random roommate, she obviously brings her dog/boyfriend, Doug, with her. Doug makes a friend...and maybe more. SNL sketch (Joan’s Song) AU

This fic is so dumb and I can’t believe I had this idea (I absolutely can), let alone actually delivered on it. It’s just pure fun and I’m so grateful my brain lets me write this kind of nonsense sometimes. That it was the final week of last year’s wordplay and followed three weeks of me writing wall-to-wall smut makes me love it even more.

It’s Probably Because I’ve Got a Big Lesbian Crush on You (Girl!Larry)

Harry's never really concerned herself with being part of the popular crowd. But as the new girl in school the second semester of her junior year, she finds herself unwittingly competing for Queen Bee status against high school royalty Louis Tomlinson. Maybe there's more to their rivalry than it seems. A not-quite-Mean Girls AU

I had a blast writing this and re-reading it just makes me happy.

We Can Find a Place to Feel Good (Larry)

14-year-old Harry is ecstatic to finally be old enough to experience the time-honored tradition of school dances. But with each year that passes and each dance he attends, he’s realizing they’re not all he used to hope they’d be. Especially when he can't actually dance with the person he most wants to. Maybe he and Louis can figure out their own ways to keep dancing, anyway. TPWK-inspired 60s AU

This ‘verse and these sweet boys are so precious to me. I absolutely love this song and I feel like I managed to weave its essence into this story in exactly the way I had hoped to. 

I’ve lost track of who’s done these so apologies if you already have, but I’d love to see what @homosociallyyours @crinkle-eyed-boo​ @a-brighter-yellow @lululawrence @allwaswell16​ @louandhazaf @hazzabeeforlou​ @runaway-train-works​ pick out! And TRULY, anyone else who wants to and hasn’t, please consider this your tag and @ me if you do it! I want to see ‘em allllllll 

[badboyjuyeon]

the set up

Pairing: Sunwoo x Reader

Genre: Fluff

Word Count: 2.6k

Summary: Changmin tricks you and Sunwoo into going on a date.

“So what do you think?” Changmin asked while you sat down at the table, both coffees in hand. 

“Let me get this straight,” you tried to recall everything he told you on the way to the cafe, “you showed a picture of me to your friend, he thought I was cute, and now he wants to go on a date with me?” You raised an eyebrow, wondering what got in Changmin’s head to set you up with someone so suddenly, though this wasn’t completely unexpected from him.

Changmin was your best friend since you sat next to each other in kindergarten and he has been trying to set you up with someone ever since. You can thank Changmin for setting you up with your first boyfriend Sangyeon, who broke up with you after a week because you stepped on his favorite crayon. Of course, Changmin only set you up with Sangyeon so he could sit next to Younghoon, who was his crush at the time. 

“Both of you are single and he’s a great guy, super hot. Trust me, he’s one of my closest friends,” he tried to convince you. “Are you down?” He eagerly waited for your response as you took a sip from your coffee. 

You didn’t see a reason to deny it, it’s not like you were seeing anyone at the moment, or have seen anyone for a while. Not to mention Changmin’s approval was hard to get, he disapproved of all your previous boyfriends. His judgment always turned out to be right because they all ended up breaking your heart. Your failed relationships stopped you from wanting to get out there but that never stopped Changmin from trying. 

At the same time, you felt flattered that this friend of his thought you were attractive enough to want to go on a date. You’d be lying if you said that didn’t boost your ego. 

But you still didn’t know anything about him. Or if he’s even your type. If you’re going to get played by a guy, you’d rather be played by a hot guy. 

“Does this friend have a name, and what does he look like?” You tried to ask Changmin nonchalantly, though you couldn’t help but start to feel a little curious. 

Changmin excitedly let out a squeal and pulled up a picture from his Instagram. “YAY! I’ll take that as a yes. His name is Sunwoo and he’s the same age as you. I met him at dance camp.” 

He waved his phone in front of your face and you snatched it out of his hand to get a better look. 

“SEE, isn’t he hot?” Changmin smirked because he already knew your answer. 

To say he was hot was an understatement. He had a sharp jawline, full lips, and beautiful honey skin. You knew that Changmin had hot friends but you didn’t know that they were this hot. You still couldn’t believe that he wanted to go on a date with you. He seemed like someone out of your league, you never would have had the courage to talk to him first. 

“And why did you show him a pic of me?” You asked, suddenly checking your Instagram feed to see the possible pictures that Changmin could have shown Sunwoo. Your last post could have been better. 

Changmin sighed and pushed you off the booth to hide his panic because he didn’t know how to answer you. “So many questions. Just go get ready and I’ll text you the address.” 

“WHAT? It’s today? You didn’t think to tell me that it’s today? That is not enough time.” You racked your brain trying to figure out possible outfits and whether you should shave your legs. 

“Bye, go get ready!” Changmin nearly kicked you out of the cafe. While you made your way to your house to get ready, Changmin made his way to Sunwoo’s house. 

“And why are you here?” Sunwoo asked upon opening his door. 

Changmin pouted. “Can’t a normal guy just miss his best friend?” 

“Sure, a normal guy can, but you aren’t normal. You didn’t even think to bring your best friend a cup of coffee.” Sunwoo playfully scowled, before moving aside to let Changmin in. 

Ordinarily, Changmin would have brought another cup of coffee for Sunwoo, but it completely slipped his mind as he was busy convincing you to agree to the date. 

“I brought you something better than coffee.” Changmin paused, waiting for Sunwoo’s reaction. But no reaction came as Sunwoo turned to walk back to his room.

“Can you guess what I brought you?” The older boy asked as he followed the younger one to his room.

Sunwoo turned to look at Changmin and pretended to think. “No.” 

“Pretty please can you guess?” 

“No.”

“Guess or I’ll leave with my better-than-coffee gift.” Changmin attempted to threaten him. 

“If this is your dumb Chucky doll, then I told you already that I don’t want it. Give it to Chanhee or someone else.” Sunwoo doesn’t miss the slight blush that appeared on Changmin’s cheeks upon mentioning Chanhee. 

Changmin dramatically gasps. “First of all, my Chucky doll is not DUMB, it is CUTE. Second of all, I already tried to ask Chanhee but he doesn’t want it, but that’s beside the point. No, it is not my Chucky doll, you wish it was. Guess correctly or I’m leaving.” 

Sunwoo questioned whether Changmin really was the older one. “Well, you know the exit.” 

“Okay fine, I’ll just tell you.” Changmin rolled his eyes at how uncooperative Sunwoo was. 

“I showed my friend a picture of you and she thought you were hot. She said she wants to go on a date with you.” Changmin repeated the same story that he told you. 

“She wants to go on a date with me?” Sunwoo repeated with a look of uncertainty. Changmin took a sip of his now cold coffee from when he met up with you just earlier before nodding. He pulled up a picture of you from your Instagram and gave Sunwoo his phone. 

Sunwoo stared down in shock. “You’re not just messing with me?” 

Changmin shook his head. “No, she’s totally into you. She’s super cool, source: trust me bro.” 

Part of Sunwoo thought that Changmin was pranking him somehow. You seemed like the type of person that Sunwoo would have a one-sided crush on. He would only dream of asking you out. The other part of him considered whether he should believe Changmin. You seemed like a  cool person and Sunwoo wanted to get to know you. There was also no added fear of rejection since you did ask him out first. 

“Say yes or I’ll introduce her to Juyeon or Haknyeon,” Changmin added, knowing that Sunwoo wouldn’t want to pass up this opportunity. 

“Okay fine, when is the date?” Sunwoo walked over to his closet to begin planning what he would wear. He held up two shirts to get Changmin’s approval. 

“In a couple of hours, and the white shirt looks better with your blazer,” Changmin replied quickly. 

Sunwoo stared at Changmin in shock. “A couple of HOURS? Did you mean a couple of days?” 

“Nope, it’s at eight today. Get ready pretty boy.” Changmin smiled mischievously, before heading towards the door to avoid Sunwoo’s inevitable breakdown. 

As soon as Changmin was in his car, he let out another excited squeal. His plan had worked! Changmin told you that Sunwoo asked you on a date and he told Sunwoo that you asked him out on a date. He did this so both of you would end up going on the date feeling cocky, each person would think that the other person liked them more. 

Changmin was friends with both you and Sunwoo, though you two never met because you were in two different friend groups. Changmin couldn’t help but think that you two would be perfect together. He decided he wanted to play matchmaker because you two were hopelessly indecisive and would never make the first move. You both overthought every detail, you felt insecure because your past relationships were rocky and Sunwoo felt insecure because of his fear of rejection. That is why he composed a plan to get you both on the date feeling confident. You two wouldn’t have to worry about whether the other person liked the other, as you’ve both done on previous dates, and would just get to know each other. His plan was quite perfect if he did say so himself. 

You waited outside the doors of the fancy restaurant that Changmin had made reservations for. You took out your phone to check your makeup and hair one more time. You took a deep breath and walked up to the waiter. You told him your name and waited for him to look you up in the system. 

“Party of two? The first party has already arrived. I will lead you to your table.” You felt your heart pick up its pace knowing that Sunwoo was already there waiting for you. 

As you made your way through the restaurant, you saw him first. He was already gorgeous on Instagram, but he looked 10 times better in person. You appreciated a man that could dress and accessorize. Sunwoo looked up from his phone and locked eyes with you. His eyes were so pretty, you swore you could see sparkles in them. You didn’t know why you felt more nervous in front of him. He got up from his seat to take out your chair. 

“Oh, you didn’t need to.” You said while sitting down, but you couldn’t help but smile. How is he that fine AND respectful? 

Sunwoo walked back to his seat. “But I wanted to.” 

Changmin should’ve given you a warning, you don’t think you could survive a whole date with him. 

A waiter approached your table. “Hello, I’m Kevin Moon and I will be your waiter for the evening. Take a look at the menu and I’ll come back in a few minutes to take your order.” 

You and Sunwoo both nodded at Kevin and he left you two alone. 

“Since we haven’t formally met, I guess I’ll introduce myself. Hi, I’m (y,n).” You struggle to get words out because of how nervous you are. 

“Hi, I’m Sunwoo, it's nice to finally meet you. Changmin has told me so much about you.” Sunwoo brushed the hair out of his eyes, a nervous habit of his. 

“Only good things I hope.” You responded, taking a sip of your water. 

“Yeah, I was a little offended when he called you his best friend. I thought I was his best friend with how much he bothers me.” Sunwoo joked.

“Technically we’re bestie-in-laws. But you can keep him if you want. He’s always up to something.” He laughed at your response and you knew that you wanted to hear that laugh more often. 

“Should we order?” You asked, remembering the menus in front of you. He nodded and you both took the time to figure out what you wanted. Kevin returned once again to take your orders and left just as quickly as he came. 

With your conversation interrupted, you both tried to come up with something to talk about. 

Sunwoo bit back a smile when he remembered that Changmin told him that you liked him enough to want to go on a date with him. Remembering this, he felt less nervous. He usually felt nervous during dates because he tried super hard to impress the other person, but he felt less of a pressure to do this. Instead of creating a fake personality, he decided he wanted to just be himself. 

You both made small talk and found out that you shared similar hobbies. Sunwoo was so charming and you found yourself wanting to know more about him. It was easy to hold a conversation and you forgot about how nervous you were. The wait for the food didn’t even feel long because of how well you two were hitting it off. 

“Did Changmin tell you anything about me?” He decided to ask. 

“I heard that you met him in dance camp. You like dancing?” You said in between bites.

“I honestly joined because Changmin didn’t want to go there alone. But I’m not too bad myself.” Sunwoo admitted.

“That does sound like Changmin. He always ends up somehow convincing me to watch scary movies with him.” 

“Changmin is always scheming. I wouldn’t be surprised if this date was a part of an elaborate plan.” Sunwoo rolled his eyes as he thought of all the questionable things Changmin had made him do. “That's why I thought he was pranking me when he said you liked me first.” 

“He said I liked you first?” You raised your eyebrow. “He told me that you liked me first.” 

Sunwoo tilted his head quizzically. “Something is not adding up.”

“Maybe you’re onto something about Changmin always scheming.” You put down your fork. “Now that I think about it, Changmin has been acting weird lately. Has he told you anything?” 

Sunwoo stopped to think about Changmin’s recent behavior. “No, I just know that he’s been hanging out with Chanhee a lot recently.” 

“Changmin always does find a way to talk about Chanhee.” You thought back to your last few conversations with him. 

Sunwoo’s eyes suddenly widened as he pieced certain information together. 

“Wait, do you know something?” You asked him. 

“I think I do, but I can’t say for sure.” 

“I’m 100% sure that Changmin set us up for a reason. I wouldn’t have questioned it as much if he set me up with a stranger, but a close friend is a bit suspicious. And now of all times? Should we put our heads together?” 

“Ok.” Sunwoo agreed to your collaboration. “What do you know?” 

“Well, I know that Changmin blushes whenever Chanhee is around so…” You trailed off. 

You didn’t have to finish your sentence because Sunwoo already knew what you were insinuating. “Oh my god, that's what I was going to say too.”

“Are you thinking what I’m thinking?” 

“Are you thinking that Changmin set us up just so he can have a double date with Chanhee?” Sunwoo asked to confirm whether you both came to the same conclusion. 

“That's exactly what I was thinking.” 

You two burst out laughing. 

“By the way,” he paused to look you in the eyes, “what exactly did Changmin say to get you to agree to go on this date?” 

“He told me he showed you a picture of me and that you thought I was cute and that you wanted to go on a date with me.” You recited what Changmin told you. 

His jaw dropped. “No way, he told me the same thing word for word.”

“So did you agree to this blind date because you thought I was hot or because you thought I liked you?” You decided to be bold. 

“Um, maybe both?” He felt his cheeks turn hot. You were sure that your cheeks also supported the same shade of pink as his. 

“Well, we have to get Changmin back. How about we plan the double date but end up ditching them so he has to deal with it alone?” You proposed. “Give him a taste of his own medicine?”

“You’re evil.” Sunwoo pretended to be taken aback. “But I am too so I love that idea.”

“Maybe we can ditch them and hang out together?” Sunwoo suggested. 

“Only if it's another date.” You didn’t know where this newfound confidence came from, but you promised to thank Changmin for setting you up with such a great guy. 

“It's a date.” He winked.

[themoonispurple7]

Some people are able to frame the prospect of Jikook's potential romantic relationship as possibly the result of cross cultural misinderstandings and 'projection' by legions of wishful, bias confirming (predominantly western) fans WHILE ALSO showcasing all the ways in which their relationship may be consciously, intentionally telegraphed in content and performance. I respect these thinkers, honestly. They show greater maturity and discipline than 'EITHER OR' dumb dumbs like me. I want to be converted. But my acorn brain can't hold the 2 potentialties in harmony with one another. How can it be done? Saying that 'I was with Jungkook' was uttered at a press conference by a media trained, professional man with full cognizance of its ramifications, then maintaining that we could all just be reading intentionality where there isn't any are not reconcilable to me. Am I thinking all wrong? Can someone walk me through their thought process? I promise I am not being facetious and I have the utmost respect for people whose opinions I do not claim at the moment! I am probably personally prone to bias, so a little objectivity would help.

I don’t think you’re wrong to want to choose a side. My problem is indecisiveness (as is in general in life), I’ll blame it on my libra rising sign lol. I can always see all sides of a story, I have a hard time choosing one in general. That also makes me feel like there are no real good guys and bad guys, which both leads to me not really trusting anyone fully, and seeing the good in people where I probably shouldn’t. There aren’t a lot of things in life where I don’t see shades of gray.

I know what my gut is telling me. I also know that my gut can be wrong. I promise, it’s nothing genius or brilliant, it’s just my brain automatically going “ok, but what if...” when I form a conclusion. There aren’t many instances where I’ve gone “that’s it, they’re boyfriends” with JK&JM (before doing the “what if” eventually). The Dynamite Holiday MV was definitely one of them. The “I was with Jungkook” was another. The moment when JK climbed into the Serendipity sphere and JM took his hand to pop the bubble was a really major one because that was so romantic it made my insides fill with flowers and hearts.

[charityfaithfull]

Connection and Plot Ideas

THE CLOSE FRIENDS charity’s circle that she interacts with usually daily. They know her ins and outs. She is drawn to people who feels she engage in both mental and emotional states. She is talkative and likes to solve problems. They are an academic bunch, but they’re interests can diverge into many fields.

open connection

THE CHILDHOOD FRIENDS Charity is a halfblood with wizard family on her father’s side. She would know some other wizard children, however she is much more engaged with the muggle world because she is closer to her mom

@frcnklcngbottom Frank Longbottom - They don’t speak all that often, everything being more mild acquaintanceship in the end.

open connection

LOVE/HATE DORM MATES   Charity isn’t the most typical Ravenclaw. Often her diverse experience and views can conflict with those near her.

@allaircss​ Ellie Allaire - It’s so bad. It’s only gotten worse. The more pets Ellie has brought, the more posters and records Charity hangs about the room. Ellie is resistant to Charity’s salt-of-the-concrete-city essense, and Charity is resistant to Ellie’s taste for the lavish.

@chvrrys - Usually the buffer for their rather…intense living situation. The pair get along much better. Unfortunately, their different life experiences and desires tend to be more of a wedge than discussion point.

@ivytravers - She may be the most relatable of the bunch for Charity, the most similar sentiments. Charity understands her anger with the world, but perhaps not how she believes she can handle things on her own. While Charity knows the grime of the world, Ivy knows the underbelly of the elite.

open connection

THE INSURGENTS  Someone who works with her in all respects for her beliefs in changing the view anti-muggle and muggleborn sentiment

@macmcry​ Mary MacDonald - The pair had plenty to relate to since Charity lived half her life in the muggle world. She was all about helping Mary in any little way, and they don’t mind breaking the rules to get it done.

LOST FRIEND   This is the person who she became unlikely friends with. She’s a great teacher and tries to experience things fully. However, she has been discouraged by how sour things all turned. It’s likely this was someone pureblood who thought they could resist the high pressures of family and social circles. It was a great disappointment to Charity when they could not.

open connections

FRENEMIES   Engage her mind, she lives for conversation and will try to prove she is the smartest person in the room

@frcnklcngbottom Frank Longbottom - Occasionally, Charity can enjoy having the upper hand in an intellectual conversation too much, and Frank isn’t one to enjoy that. Just as equally, Charity does not want to be bested by him.

open connection

ENEMIES   Come at her death eaters! She may be a pacifist in most situations, but she can make enemies easily. She openly shares her opinions and thoughts, which not everyone agrees with. This has gotten her into trouble for not just attempting to rework the educational system while she’s still in it, but for speaking out of turn because she knows she has to.

open connection

THE SILENCER - Somebody trying incredibly hard to get her to shut up about her pro muggle and pro muggleborn talking points. It’s a real battle because she is so well spoken and so clever. This person is getting to the point of considering more extreme means to get her to stop.

Open Connection

EXES  Charity is mature in that she has a deeper understanding of herself. Yet, she feels really young and doesn’t actively try to take things too far in relationships. She has a crew of muggle friends who she wanders around with, one of whom she has a special connection with, but because they are far apart most of the time, she chooses to not pursue anything. At Hogwarts, she knows she can’t worry herself with that and likely had at least one serious relationship.

open connection

DECISION MAKER Charity is becoming indecisive about her future. It’s a typical smart kid, told they were gifted when they were young and now they are suffering, type deal. She’s considering making her way to muggle university, but this person thinks her skills are better put to use in the magical world. They may even suggest she become a teacher...

open connection

FLING In some ways Charity is more suited to flings, she can be endearingly sweet but also finds her brain just moving too fast. She is someone who is hard to keep up with.

@aciiers​ Sirius Black (summer 1976) - She never thought he was dumb, just a little stupid. It was a good summer to forget and live a bit. Charity appreciated his attempts to mimic her conversational style, it was charming in the end. However, continuing into the school year wasn’t even a thought that crossed her mind.

open connection

PRIDE AND PREJUDICE   I always struggled to think of character comparisons, but yeah I think Charity is basically Lizzie Bennett. This is her Mr. Darcy. It isn’t someone who she has to be end game with, however this is someone from the complete opposite world. They can come off rude, but their choice to consistently interact intrigues her. It would take a lot of releasing their own pride to make anything happen, otherwise its all tension. basically gimme wizard pride and prejudice

@dirtbvg - Overlapping with plot for Star-Crossed Lovers. This was never intentional, and up until the last minute she had every doubt. Now that it’s summer, things may cool down. Their blossoming friendship can be less hidden in the shadows when its behind the wall of her London pub. But it won’t last as long as their own prejudices persist.

[janthonyashtoreth]

@pixelated-pineapple you did this to yourselves I WARNED YOU

these are focused around azra and his amazing meet cute with anthony but if you want more… i am Much Obliged

also this is really long i have a lot of feelings about this

azra’s tattoo parlor is the coziest building you’ve ever been in. it’s kind of a hot mess (sketches scattered on most available surfaces, papers tacked to the walls, very well-loved and slightly mismatched furniture, etc) but it’s such an organized mess that everyone that walks in feels right at home

i really like the idea of azra kickboxing for some reason so!! thats a thing now. he’s a thick bitch but he’s really muscular (esp in the thighs/core/shoulders). this combined with him being very warm all of the time equals unmatched hugs.

he knows that some of his clients get kind of nervous when he brings the needles out or when their tattoos start stinging a lot so he burns some really subtle bergamot and lavender incense in the backroom to calm their nerves a bit (also because it smells nice)

azra also does piercings!! in fact, he has a few himself (not all in his ears 👀)

he really likes how significant tattoos are, both for himself and his clients, but this leads to him being SO INDECISIVE about getting them for himself. he only has two, those being the quill and ink on his forearm and the quote on the inside of his wrist

the quote in question is “I can resist anything except temptation.” -Oscar Wilde

i lost my mind when i found that quote how could i not put that on him

azra doesn’t take on new clients very frequently because he focuses more on building relationships with his existing clientele and putting the most effort he can into his pieces

THAT BEING SAID

he can’t be blamed for not immediately turning away a plant-headed idiot that stumbled into his shop and requested that azra design his first tattoo (and tracked in dirt, but that’s neither here nor there. its not like azra noticed)

he ESPECIALLY cant be blamed for immediately losing all command on the english language when faced with this tall, handsome stranger with stupid sunglasses and a stubborn smear of dirt on his forehead

luckily he and this handsome stranger, who he later finds out does in fact have a name (surprise its anthony), both share the moment of “ohgodohfuckheshotandmysteriouswhatthefuckdoidogaypanicAAAH”, so neither of them can really call the other out for anything

queue an awkward, blushy, stuttery consultation during which azra can barely concentrate because this guy who doesn’t know how to sit in a chair or engage in small talk is actually really charming in his own roundabout way

he also won’t stop glancing down at azra while he’s bent over his sketchpad, which is very rude and distracting when you have eyes that seem to be such a gorgeous color but not-quite-normal at the same time

MEANWHILE anthony j “i am the coolest person to ever cool” crowley is so desperately trying to impress this cute guy that he just met while failing to understand why he wants to impress him so much

you have a crush on him anthony calm down

but he can’t calm down because azra has the cutest glasses and his hair looks so soft and he asked anthony about levi and looks so invested in what anthony has to say and oh his cologne smells so nice uh oh hes in love now

emotionalconstipation.png

eventually they figure out a design that Speaks tm to anthony and schedule an appointment 2 weeks out for him to come for his first sitting

~their gaze lingers at the door as he leaves, probably taking longer than strictly necessary to push the door open~

as anthony walks out onto the sidewalk he’s already coming up with excuses to go see azra again before 2 weeks has passed

and azra is still stuck behind the counter looking at the spot anthony just occupied, realizing that he didn’t get anything besides a name and number

who will make the first move???? will anyone make the first move???? will they just be idiots that are in love but too dumb to make moves??? find out on the next episode of me brain dumping

[pallasperilous]

Twenty Questions

Summary: Michael is AWOL with Dean, so Sam drives while Cas rides shotgun. They fill silence with a light inquiry into the nature of Enochian pronouns and their relationship – or lack thereof – to human vessels’ gender.  ...it’s more fun than it sounds.

Word Count: 1,221 Rating: Gen (there’s a single swear) Pairings: Sam & Castiel (are good nerdfriends)

WARNINGS: brief references to social prejudice against queer identities. Angel lore nonsense. References to past harm done to Baby’s clutch. 

Complete story in post, or on AO3.

---

They’ve been creeping down the same stretch of interstate for five hours. They long ago run out of podcasts and Dean’s more bearable cassettes and weird lore chit-chat and dumb car games – Sam has learned the hard way that 20 Questions with Cas is actually either 3 Questions or Infinity Questions.

They’re finally in the same county as their turn-off, but they’re still at least three hours out from Lebanon and they’ve officially run out of silence, too. Castiel is pretty good at keeping quiet when he’s in the back, at least over long hauls – Sam would sometimes catch Dean glancing into the rearview just to check that he hadn’t poofed out at some point.

Having Cas ride shotgun is something else. Just having another body there pokes Sam in the brain, demands comment. The other body is usually Dean, and Dean sucks at silence. If it’s not talking, it’s music. If it’s not music, he’ll starts fucking humming or tapping or whistling. Dean is nature, abhorring a vacuum.

Only Dean’s not here. So it turns out that silence is currently a very painful conversation.

“I’ve been wondering about something,” Sam says.

Castiel has his eyes closed, but they snap open immediately. “Oh?”

Sam adjusts his grip on the steering wheel. “So…the other angels. They call you he, right?”

“They normally call me Castiel.”

Sam shoots him A Look, and is rewarded with a microscopic smile. “No, I mean – you all have…consistent pronouns. That don’t change based on your vessel. From what I can tell.”

Cas shakes his head. “Not usually, no. You have to understand, Sam – most angels have never occupied a vessel, nor would they ever expect to. It’s a specialized field.” He shifts down a bit on the bench, folds his arms.

“So you do all have…some kind of…essential gender? In your true forms?”

Castiel hums non-committally. “The pronouns you hear us use in English are an approximation of an Enochian form of address. One that has nothing to do with reproductive or social roles.”

“What’s it describe, then? Rank? Age?”

“Rotational axis.”

Sam can’t help it: he laughs. “What?” The unbidden mental image is of Castiel strapped on one of those vomitous centrifugal wheels they used to velcro kids into at Space Camp.

Cas sighs, although it sounds more embarrassed than aggrieved, as if Sam were asking after the origin of an off-color family in-joke. “When angels traverse the common areas of Heaven, our wings manifest as rotating bands of energy. There are two possible planes – axes – of rotation. The pronouns refer to which axis that angel’s wings occupy.”

“So, what…it’s not he and she, it’s more like… righty and lefty?”

Cas snorts. “I’d never thought of it that way, but the analogy is apt."

“Are there any, um. Ambidextrous angels?” Sam squints and kicks on the turn signal as they crawl up towards the nearest eastbound exit. There’s a lava flow of red brakelights ahead of them.

“A few. ”

“Anybody we know?”

“You know me.”

Sam hesitates, glances over at Castiel. He's got his elbow up on the door, chin braced on the splayed fingers of his far hand. Everything he’s wearing looks like it needs ironing, including his face. “Oh yeah?" Sam manages, lamely.

"Mm," Cas replies, which is frankly about as much as Sam deserves.

"Is that...what's that like?"

A forest green Outback two lanes over is suddenly seized by the need to exit at 126 A and Sam has to stomp on the brakes to avoid getting side-swiped. By the time Sam has brought the car back up to speed, Cas still hasn't answered.

"I'm sorry," Sam says. "Kinda none of my business." His knee is starting to ache from kicking out the clutch. They could’ve switched drivers a few hours back when it was bumper-to-bumper. Sam officially chalks it up to his pride, but really it would be admitting that Dean will be gone long enough that Sam will have time to replace the clutch after Cas fucking incinerates it.

Cas lowers his arm. "I'm not offended, Sam. I was considering my answer."

Sam shrugs; “I know angel stuff is a sensitive subject. Didn't want you to feel interrogated or anything. I'm just, you know. Curious."

"Yes, I've noticed that about you." There's a thin smile in Castiel's voice. "It was...it is...largely unimportant. I would usually adopt the same manner as the angel I was interacting with. It makes it easier to coordinate our movements. Since the majority of angels are of the axial group referred to with masculine English pronouns, I'm usually considered," and here he deploys air-quotes, Jesus Christ, if that isn't a throwback –"one of the boys."

Sam frowns, squints against the reflection off the back window of a church minivan. "I think that'd bother me."

"Why? It's simply practical. It describes the greater part of my behavior, at any rate."

“I dunno, it’s still…reductive, right? I mean, which way would you–” Sam winces a bit in anticipation at how dumb this is going to sound –“rotate, if you were alone?"

Cas, as usual, takes the ridiculous in stride. ”I truly don't have a preference. Each has its tactical strengths and shortcomings. The ability to alternate between the two is an advantage in battle, of course, and it grants me access to a broader array of potentially suitable vessels."

Cas turns his face away, as if he's checking out the blind spot, or maybe his own reflection in the side mirror. "It's part of why I was chosen to retrieve Dean in Hell, and then to interact with him after his resurrection."

They finally slip off the interstate and onto the four-lane state highway, a slim river cutting through an old growth forest of gas station signs and fast food logos. They could be literally anywhere in North America, and Sam feels his shoulders relax. Anywhere In North America is Sam's hometown.

Cas sighs. “You must be hungry by now. You should pull over."

"Nah, I'm okay. I'd rather get back to the Bunker before dark.”

There’s a pause which Cas somehow manages to imbue with maternal concern. "Sam. You do need to eat."

"We have food at home."

"Not enough."

"Cas, seriously. I’m fine.”

“I can tell that you've lost weight."

"Yeah, well. Probably because I don’t have Dean shoving garbage in my face every five hours.”

Sam feels the resulting silence as an actual, physical tension in his chest.

“I’ll stop somewhere when we’re over the state line,” he adds. Cas makes a little noise of consent.

Castiel turns his face forward again, drops his arm into his lap.  "It does make some in the Host uneasy. The dual axis,” he clarifies, as if the ranks of Heaven might possibly have an opinion on the particulars of where Sam gets his next chicken sandwich. “They think it suggests a deceptive or indecisive nature."

They hit their first stoplight, and Sam looks over at him. “You're telling me there’s an angel equivalent of biphobia."

"You are," Castiel says dryly, "a fount of damning analogies today, Sam Winchester."

“Wow. That’s, uh. That’s…fucked up? Not sure why I’m surprised, though. As above, so below, I guess.”

“I’ve come to see the relationship between Heaven and Earth as a lateral one,” Cas answers. Then he smiles.

“But that’s just me.”

[evak-skam]

Just Friends [elu au] // ch2

summary: Lucas has a giant crush on one of his friends (again, but this time it isn’t Yann), and once again said friend has a girlfriend. The thing that’s different this time around, though, is that Lucas has a girlfriend, too, which just adds to the pile of problems in his life. || College/Uni AU

CHAPTER TWO

“What are you doing?”

Lucas spins around with one hand gripping a t-shirt from his closet, the other hand loosely holding onto the one he had been wearing before. His blue eyes land on Yann rather quickly, who looks the slightest bit confused at his best friend shirtless while looking nervous as hell. “I’m having dinner with Eliott,” Lucas says.

Yann raises an eyebrow. He’s still a bit confused. “So, like... A date?”

“No.” 

“Then why are you so nervous?”

“Because it’s Eliott,” Lucas stresses to him, hoping that simple explanation would be enough for Yann.

Yann lets out a short hum. “Look, man,” he starts and then walks over to Lucas. He grabs one shirt and tosses it back in the closet and then walks off, Lucas glancing down at the shirt that he had been wearing earlier that day. “If that’s the case, don’t bother stressing over what shirt to wear. Start stressing about where to eat. You can both be pretty indecisive about that shit.”

Lucas rolls his eyes because, yeah, he can be indecisive about that but Yann doesn’t need to point it out so blatantly. Or, maybe he does. Because he has a point. He ignores that bit for now, though, and instead focuses on the first part as he slips his shirt back on. “But I don’t want to look like horse shit next to him. Have you seen Eliott?”

“Yes, actually.” Yann leans against the door frame and crosses his arms. “But hey -- listen, you have a girlfriend, Lucas, and whether you like her or not, you can’t go cheating on her. If you think anything can happen between you and Eliott, you gotta break up with Chloe first.”

Slowly, Lucas nods. He understands where Yann is coming from and why, and Lucas actually doesn’t plan on cheating on Chloe; she’s sweet and nice, the problem was just that he didn’t like her the way she wanted him to and he didn’t have the guts to break it off with her yet. He runs a hand through his hair and glances at his phone on the bed as it lights up with a new message. Lucas grabs it and sees that it’s from Manon, but he doesn’t answer or even read it. He tosses it back on the bed as Yann starts to talk again.

“Hope you have fun with him tonight though, bro,” Yann honestly says with a smile, beginning to leave Lucas’ room. “I gotta go so I’m not late. Don’t do anything Baz would do and don’t do anything I wouldn’t do!”

Lucas laughs. “That doesn’t leave me much room!”

Yann grins and laughs, flipping Lucas off as he walks away, the brunet shouting for his best friend to have fun. And then, Lucas was alone in the small apartment once the door shut loudly a few minutes later. He plops down on his bed as he thinks over everything that Yann had said moments earlier. It’s true that he has to break up with Chloe if he wants anything with Eliott, but the other problem is Eliott and Lucille; they’ve been together for four years, and Lucas really doubts that they will break up anytime soon. Groaning in frustration, Lucas falls backwards and throws an arm over his eyes, removing it a few moments later when he gets another message on his phone.

manon.demissy hey don’t forget to give mika & lisa the last bit of rent you owe them from living with them. they need it in 2 weeks. just wanted to remind you :) and can you help with a bake sale Wednesday? pretty please??

Lucas frowns. The rent. Fuck. He hasn’t lived there for at least a few months or so, but still he has yet to fully pay Mika and Lisa back from that time. And recently, between work and school and splitting rent with Yann, he’s forgotten about them a bit. He’s not about to let Manon know that, though, so he answers her as if nothing is wrong.

lucallemant dont worry i’ll get it to them depends. what do i get out of it?

manon.demissy some cupcakes daphy and I made. you love them!

lucallemant ...ok yeah i’ll help 

manon.demissy YAY thanks, you’re the best! love u lulu x

lucallemant lol you’re welcome. love you too

He chuckles to himself at Manon’s excitement before tossing his phone back on the bed, the smile soon going away as the thought of paying back Mike and Lisa consumed his mind. Up until four months ago he had the help of his dad. Now? Now, he’s on his own, because his mom couldn’t help at all, and he was a legal adult so it isn’t that big of a deal. It’s just paying two friends back from staying with them throughout most of his high school career and doing his best on not falling behind on rent in the current place he lived in with his best friend.

Lucas runs his hands down his face, wondering how the hell he got stuck in his situation. Well, he doesn’t have to wonder for too long, because the terrible fights with his father come back, especially that big one that ended up with him knocking on Yann’s doorstep in tears after leaving his dad’s place, unable to go to his mom’s because he didn’t want to disturb her, or even Mika’s because he had lost the key. He groans, pressing the palms of his hands against his eyes, pushing those memories of that night away before abruptly getting up and going to the living room to watch some TV.

It’s dark outside. He’s hungry. Nothing good is currently playing on TV. And Eliott is no where to be seen. Lucas has texted Eliott a few times, trying to figure out where the older guy was and if he’s actually coming. Actually, it wasn’t even a few times. Lucas spammed Eliott, and even called him a few times. Each time, he never answered. At first, Lucas got worried. Then angry. Then worried again, because Eliott never intentionally ignores Lucas for this long. But then, suddenly, Lucas was angry again.

srodulv sorry, I had a sudden change of plans. raincheck?

Lucas rolls his eyes. He probably shouldn’t be so mad, but he was. Or, maybe it was disappointment he felt. Either way, he replied with a short ‘sure whatever’ and laid across the couch, sulking and brewing in his own jealousy and frustration at himself. Because, of course, his plans with his crush wouldn’t go as he wanted them too. Not at all. 

His phone then lights up again and he doesn’t want to look at it -- he wants to be a bit petty and just ignore Eliott completely, not even wanting to let Eliott know he read the message. But he reads it anyway, curiosity getting the best of him.

srodulv hey don’t be mad. lucille surprised me with dinner reservations

Lucas just stares at the message. Of course it Lucille had been involved. He can still be petty, right? Right. So, he left Eliott on read and with another roll of his eyes, he locks his phone and puts it on the coffee table, only to reach for it a minute later. He got out of his messages with Eliott to send a message to someone else. He could tell already that he was going to regret his descion later, but at the current moment in time Lucas Lallemant doesn’t care. The slightest bit hurt and hungry, he can’t care that much right now.

lucallemant hey, chloe! wanna grab some food with me? but just to mcdonalds or something. nothing fancy

It doesn’t take too long for Chloe to answer, sending him an excited yes, and then Lucas is turning off the TV and slipping on some shoes, not bothering to change into different clothes before telling Chloe to just meet up with him there. He then grabs his wallet and the key to the apartment, and leaves.

The walk to McDonalds isn’t a long walk at all, so Lucas gets there rather quickly. He stays outside of the white, yellow and red building as he waits for Chloe, staying on his phone most of the time. He doesn’t know how long he stood there, but suddenly a pair of small arms were around him and lips were pressed to his cheeks. It startles him at first until his brain makes the connection that the person is Chloe and not some creepy stranger, and he puts on a smile as he puts his phone in his pocket. He hugs her back and then moves away, motioning with his head to the entrance of the fast food place.

“C’mon, lets go. I’m starving,” he says.

Chloe nods. “Oh, same here. Lunch wasn’t so good today, and I’ve only had a couple of snacks. Didn’t eat breakfast, either,” she tells him as they go in, quietly thanking Lucas as he holds open the door for her. “And you’re paying, right? I kinda assumed, I’m sorry, but-.”

“No, its fine,” Lucas says, interrupting her.

And, honestly, it wasn’t fine; he hadn’t been planning on paying for Chloe’s food as well, which is a dumb conclusion on his part of things, but that just takes more out of what he was going to pay Mika back with. The lie wasn’t noticed by Chloe, thankfully, so that tiny bit of conversation ends rather quickly, and soon Lucas is paying for them both after they order. It pains him somewhat because, fuck, that meant he has to work a bit more these upcoming couple of weeks and he really didn’t want to – but he didn’t want to face Mika’s wrath, either. So, he doesn’t complain about it or say anything to Chloe, and just pays for the food without any words coming from him. Then not too long after, the two college students are sitting across from one another at one of the smaller tables, enjoying the fast food.

“Thank you for this, Lucas,” Chloe speaks up after they’re both about halfway done.

He looks up from devouring his burger and to Chloe. Thinking of his manners first, he chews and swallows, then gave a tiny, thin lipped smile. “No problem,” he says. “I needed to eat, so did you. I didn’t want to go alone, so…” He trails off and shrugs, not including anything about Eliott.

They talk to each other for the next half an hour or so as they finish eating. It wasn’t as miserable like Lucas had believed it was going to be earlier on his walk to McDonalds, but it wasn’t the best, either. During their conversations, he genuinely laughs – they both do, actually – and doesn’t mind being in Chloe’s company, but he would much rather be with someone else which puts everything a bit more on the downside. Despite having an okay time, he doesn’t try to reach for her hand or anything like that. She clearly wants him to, but he just doesn’t budge. He stays leaned back in his seat, occasionally checking his phone incase Yann got back before him, or incase Eliott decided to try and text him again.

Their little hangout – Lucas refuses to call it a date – then comes to an end. But before either of them leave, Lucas rushes to the bathroom just to have a few short minutes by himself before Chloe tries to kiss him at some point. And then he walks out, only to want to rush back into the bathroom and hide. There stands Eliott with Lucille in line to order something, both dressed nicely from head to toe, and Lucas felt his mouth fall open at the sight of his crush – both from surprise and how good he looks. Lucas, now panicking, spins in a small circle because he has no idea what to do. Oh, how badly he wants to go and hide in the bathroom, but unfortunately he can’t leave Chloe there. Well, he could. He would just have a girl pissed at him afterward.

So, Lucas puts on a brave face and looks down at his phone, acting as if he was texting someone, as he walks by, only looking up as he got closer to Chloe. He puts on another smile, seeing she threw away the trash already and forces himself to take her hand as she stands up. She then kisses him and it throws him off for a split second until he reminds himself he has to kiss her back, and he does. And then they leave.

“Chloe?”

Almost leave, he should say. Just as they got to the door, Lucille noticed Chole, recognizing the younger girl from that led to all four of them hanging out, which then led to Lucas and Eliott being alone and thus causing the current problem Lucas has.

Chloe gasps and rushes to Lucille, the two girls hugging, and Lucas slowly walks up. “Hi! How are you, Lucille? You look amazing!”

“Thank you, so do you! What about you? Oh- hi, Lucas, sorry.”

Lucas gives her a small, obviously forced smile. “Hey.” Then, he looks up at Eliott, the smile falling. He doesn’t say anything.

Eliott is obviously surprised to see Lucas, too, but the shorter boy doesn’t say anything about it; he just stays standing there. Both of them do. All the while, their girlfriends are happily conversing beside them. “Lucas, I- I didn’t mean to blow you off like that,” Eliott eventually speaks. “I’m sorry.”

Lucas shrugs nonchalantly despite screaming on the inside. “It’s fine,” he says, tone short. It just made Eliott frown. Lucas sighs. He hates seeing Eliott upset. So, he tries again, this time sounding much nicer than before. “It’s fine, truly,” he says again. “We can talk more tomorrow at school if we see each other, okay?”

“Okay.”

Lucas gives him a tiny smile and then gets Chloe’s attention. The two say bye to Eliott and Lucille, and then leave.

And once Lucas got home, he falls face first into his bed, wanting to scream and maybe even cry.

[nshah2]

First Part of Story Lolz: The first step into the cavern isn’t that dark. People believe it is but they’re just intimidated by the dark green moss that grows around it along with the spiky vines. Marie Jane? The Marie who likes to switch between Mary because it makes her feel chic? Oh she was just flabbergasted to the even proposition of stepping one Louis Vuitton, red high-heel in there. Even so, she was curious about the bright side of the cavern, as much of an oxymoron of that statement is. Everyone is.

Alex Lyres, skinny jeans and long sleeves, brown skin or hairy arms, one of the two, that is unsuspecting of outside analyzing, and depressed green eyes. They  fell silent in front of the cavern, walked in slowly in a trance of the great things that awaited, pushing away the wispy spider webs and teething bats. I hope she doesn’t get lost.

Kamila Civet, she ran. She ran straight in, we hardly saw her anymore. She’s addicted to the cavern, she likes to run through all of it. She can’t handle the darkness though, it pushes her out with sharp black nails, sometimes it only used two, sometimes it used all.

The cavern does terrible things, it made me lose what was alread lost.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Chapter 1:

A tip of a black word that could have meant to be blue grazes me everytime I step out of my house. Ten thousand words clutter the pages of others' mother tongues, so you can imagine the scars that yielded me weak to the eye of the majority. Fading away into the deepest shadow of Oaktown High seemed to cloak me with the power of moving through the halls without being at a sword's end, or at least at one I could see. I had grown comfortable with this lifestyle because it’s all I knew along with the wrappers of mistakes in my closet. But please do not play the chorus of slow violin notes because I am not my paragraph, I am my essay. 

I couldn’t say the same about Mary Jane.

Gaggles of laughter follow her tall figure, swaying with her long blonde hair. Skinny arms wrapped around the shoulders of her companions whose skin is as unblemished as their reputation.  Longing stares from the girls and boys who smile for status. An idolized individual that excelled at whatever you did not. “Okay, okay, listen!” Samia Davenport tries to reason, “Ignore the fact he’s a ginger. He’s cute.” Mary squeezes Samia’s face and squeals, “My little babushka is growing up. She likes men who aren’t on reality T.V too!” Samia swats her arm away, trying not to laugh. “Oh shut up, don’t deny that Dave Hansen is absolutely my soulmate.” Dave Hansen? Interesting, stupid choice. The boy who spread a rumor about you being homeless in eighth grade? The boy who chopped your hair off in ninth! The boy who smirks and everything feels like a blissful high, a serenity of happiness flooding through your brain. Too bad he likes Maya, who dismissed half of his heart with a slur that demolished him into succumbing to a camp which told him, be Christian, not you. 

They’re idiots for craving such expensive baggage because they know they can’t have it, though I can’t fault them. I’ve -however- learned to push my credit card back into my pocket and tame my legs to walk out of the store. 

Mary nods with disinterest as she eyes Ms. Alejandras classroom. “Wait up, okay?” She grinned at Samia  and rushed in the door. “Ms! Ms. Alehandra, I was wondering if I could obtain some extra credit?” 

“Mary, just turn in your missing assignments . I’ll give you 50% for each.” 

“I lost all the papers.” 

“I can print new ones.” 

I watch the exchange with dancing pupils, careful to not let my shadow get into the light. Mary has fists furrowed into small pockets with inching frustration poking out of them.

“I can’t.”

“Why not?”

Tapping on the linoleum floor, 1, 2, 3, 4…

“It’s uneven. It has to be 0-5, 5-10, 15-20. Right now if I do an extra credit assignment it’ll finally be 0-5.”

“Does it have to be in 5s?”

“More satisfying in 5s ma’am.”

Ms. Alejandra adjusts her long brown pencil skirt and touches Mary’s shoulder. “Read a book after you complete your missing assignments and then talk to Dr. Vienna.”

 

Mary sighs, she nods a quiet thank you and walks away with red fists and a crippling smile. “Did you get the extra credit?” Samia asks. Mary laughs , “No, that idiot was like ‘oh just talk to Dr. Vienna after you do it. Like oh cause he always helps, blah, blah.”

Dr. Vienna, the man who thought if you met him or his staff every night at 8:00 pm to get your daily fix of yellow, blue, pink, or green you could be cured from your worries. I mean, he’s not wrong. But yellow turns to blue and blue to pink and pink to green and then thousands of green clutter a controlled mind.  

“What did you say?” Samia asks.

“I was just like ‘Yeah, sure, whatever haha.”

“I would have just cleaned her room right then and there, just ignore her and start cleaning.”

“Oh, if only.”

A familiar buzz sounds through the halls. A calling for lost luggage, they want to keep alive. Too bad our owners aren’t coming to pick us up any time soon. Airport security was a hassle enough the first time.

Most of us groan and walk to  the assigned seats and watch the numbers. Dr. Vienna sits with the ones who watch too carefully. “Don’t you wish you were like them?” Says the blonde girl next to me, tapping my shoulder. “No Kamila, I don’t.” She rolls her eyes, “Well then you're crazy, imagine how easy it is for them. I can’t believe some of these girls came voluntarily. It’s like being Albert Einstein and then going to a camp that teaches you to be dumb.” Kamila eyes her cheesy potato cubes and boiled egg on veggies. She stuffs all of it in her pocket, one egg slice, one cube, one veggie at a time. Staring, being mesmerized by the girls who grasp control over uncontrollable behaviors. I want to tap her shoulder like she did to me but I know she’s so much more cluttered than me, she would trip over all her the mess in her brain to think that’s pretty. Mary walks to our table with her plate of food, a lunch of one cookie, one apple, two pieces of lean fish, a salad, and a baked potato. “Just be balanced.” Mary said, smiling shiny white teeth. “Do you really want to go into the cavern just to look like that? They’re miserable.” Kamila glared back, “Oh please Mary. All 5’8 of you would want to sit there and look like that. Everyone does.” Mary sits down, “Of course everyone does. But it’s not worth it. Besides, the cavern is so gross and if you go the wrong way you are done forever. You don’t even get to be them. “

Kamila scowled in disgust, “Ugh you know nothing! I already did, I got lost too but I’m going to go back and find my way in.” Mary laughed, “Kamila, you're going to go in there and never get out. You're going to want to keep going. But you won’t be able to. It’s like a cigarette, you’ll be addicted.” 

“What’s the cavern?” I popped in. They looked at me with shock.

 “You don’t know what the cavern is? It’s literally why almost everyone is in here. What are you in for then?” 

“My parents got sick of having a kid who doesn’t know how to love them.” My flat response. It didn’t even feel like I spoke, I just opened my mouth and the words fell into place. The ones I was hoping would never come out. 

“Oh.” They said in unison, eyes wary of the girl they once thought was innocent. Would it be better if I had gone into the cavern first? Got addicted to it, whatever ‘it’ may be.” Uneasily Mary explained, “If you haven’t gone into the cavern, it’s best you only know it by its code name. It’s not actually a cavern.” 

Kamila joined in, “I came in here for other reasons too, then I learned about it and started. You need something to distract you here. I mean but if you haven’t started it, find something else.”

“Just tell me what it is.”

They both looked at eachother, they seemed indecisive. Should we tell her? I could practically hear the words they looked at each other with. It couldn’t be that problematic, could it? “I’m sure I’ve heard of worse.” They both shook their heads. “It’s not that you haven’t.”

Kamila tried to explain.

“It’s just that you can’t try it once and be done. If you try it, you're done for. It’s not murder obviously, it’s...it’s like everything bad on this world is labeled in colors. Blue for normal, green for normal but you're slipping, orange for hey this is getting bad, and red for you messed up. The cavern pushes you to orange right? But then you like it so you keep going and slip down to red. Then it's like...it takes all of it’s rocks and barricades you with them. The oxygen is slowly slipping away, you know you will die. But in your mind that's worth it so you either die or someone pulls you out.  Hardly ever does anyone pull you out though.”

  

Chapter 2:

All week I had been curious to what the cavern was, jumping at any chance to pull the answer out of unsuspecting victims. Yet they always hushed me and pointed at a staff member or harshly whispered something along the lines of “if you don’t know you don’t need to. I shouldn’t be talking about this here.” Yet in every location I could find with every set of people available, the answer was always the same. Actually that's a false statement, as time went on the answers became more general and specific at the same time. The cavern was so wide, it had such an in depth storyline but from physical appearances it was normal and forgettable. The cavern came off as a stranger to me, a human I did not know who has a story that would make me cry if I read it.

 “Mama used to say that my eyes were a gift from the desert, that they were a sandy brown drought. “

That’s cute.” Commented Kamila. “My Mom used to call me a little bird. Since my legs used to be really skinny and I liked to wear my halloween costume wings like almost every day.”

“Did I say that out loud?” I ask.

“Yeah, you do that a lot, ponder quietly with a mysterious look on your face and then randomly drop in the crumble of words in your head.”

“Oh.”

           I’m pretty sure Mom used to say something like that. That my eyes seemed to get lost in the colourful realm, speechless to the greenery of new ideas and scenarios. I guess the cavern was a new scenario. I had spent two years at Oakwood, never once did the word cavern actually mean anything to me than the base definition. I suspected it was a hangout for teens to maybe drink or smoke, that’s why they called it addicting. But Mom also used to say “Your never far off from the truth once you make an assumption, your penny isn’t in the fairy’s hand but it’s going down the well, it’s getting closer.” It could be about smoking or drinking, but then they would have used another example to compare it to.  Reverse psychology? No, in the span of a few seconds they wouldn’t have been intellectual enough to corroborate such an intricate plan, unless they did... But they aren’t exactly top of the chain in terms of intelligence.

No, they certainly weren’t. One blank page could hold wiser knowledge than their  brains could ever learn in their lifetime. Maybe the way they mindlessly transferred their thoughts onto a piece of a paper got them an A, but they have no street smarts. A ratio that didn’t match Mary's agenda would throw her off her high horse into the dirt. If Kamila spoke a word everyone didn’t agree with she would resort back to the deep depths of her mind, not caring about the cobwebs and dirty floor. Everyone in this school is like this, stubborn, selfish brats who didn’t realise that sticking your nose in a book doesn’t make you a genius. It makes you an average person who gets a teacher's signature on her report card with a happy face sticker. Wow, good on you, a happy face, that’s going to get you through life? A happy face? 

“Little Madam, the one in the blue dress? Oh where is she, is she sticking out because of her oh so obvious dress? Or the fact that she isn’t hearing anything I’m saying?”

Everyone laughs with pasted smiles for an objective. Everyone knows Ms. Alejandra picks favorites. It’s all objective. Even her damn joke is objective, a power move, calling everyone out and making them laugh about it. Keep laughing, I’m not a clone.

Definitely not a clone of her favorites right now.

“Yes, Ma’am?” I speak, keeping my dignity upheld.

She sighs with annoyance, “Can you tell me what I was just explaining about chain rules?”

Chain rules, chain rules, chain rules...She must have just been covering it today, that fatuous fool Kamila was correct. The cavern was good for distracting you.

“I’m not sure.” I say, my voice felt like a particularly bad day on the ground near the Pacific Ocean in the Philippines.

Another sigh, this time with actual disappointed eyes. Did she expect me to know the complications of a couple of Xs and numbers labeled under-

“The derivative of f(g(x)) . g’(x) will always be f'(g(x))⋅g'(x).”

Everyone turned around to the raised hand and straight face of Alex Lyres. A matty mess of short, dirty blonde hair, bangs almost cocealing the never turned off glare in her green eyes.  Her limbs were long and skinny and danced in the wind every Friday where administrators let her be `recreational”.  

Alex Lyres who sits at the table with Dr. Vienna every day and goes to him personally for three green ones every night. She speaks seldom but when she does her words dive into your mind and almost as quickly as they come in, evaporate. She would know about the cavern, she was at the table Kamila admired specifically because people who were there  went in the cavern. Or should I say, went in too deep. But I’d have to rephrase my wording into a more casual conversation. You don’t just light a candle in a monster accompanied by darkness, you wait for the perfect time. 

Tick, Tock.

Tick, Tock.

Tick, Tock.

One-Forty. Two-a clock.

The bell dings its warning signs and Alex lifts her legs off the seat. In quick movements she makes her way to her bedroom. The teacher gives her that stern ‘what do you think you're doing’ look and she starts to slow down, hanging her head a little lower. 

“Alex! Hey!”

She looks around, uncomfortable that her name has been brought into the spotlight. Don’t worry Alex, give me the answers and the switch gets clicked off.

It gives her a chance though, a chance to slide her feet across the marble floor, static building in her soft teddy bear socks. 

“Alex, hey can I ask you something?”

“Sure, um…?”

I disregard her blank stare, notioning me to give out my name. My name has never been uttered in the walls of this wretched place and it never will. I won’t give it that power. 

“How do you do it?”

It’s like her facial features immediately morphed into a sweaty recognition about what I’m about to say.

“How do I do what?”

“Y’know…” I push, “How do you do the...cavern?”

She looks at me for a couple of seconds before shaking her head and storming away. I chase after her which isn’t hard because she speeds with caution. Why? We aren’t allowed to run in the halls but we can speed walk. She’s not going to get in trouble for speed walking.

“Yeah, I am.”

“I said that aloud?” I really need to stop doing that.

“No, I can just see it in your face. You're confused on why  I look so cautious. Yeah, I will get in trouble if I’m going ‘above average speed’ or whatever.”

My hand instinctively goes to grab my chin, I pause indecisively. It’s extra but it’s what you're supposed to do when you're confused. “Why?”

“Why do you think?” She snaps.

“I don’t know, why are you specific?”

“Not just me, everyone else in the cavern.”

My mind jumps back to the main objective and I robotically  move myself into a more sympathetic position. Arms crossed with pouty eyes, “Why wouldn’t they let you run just because you’ve been in the cavern?”

“Again, why do you think?”

“I don’t know?”

She looks at me up and down with quizzing eyes, her disbelief is obvious. I’m not sure what I did wrong, I guess I really need more information. 

Her eyes widened with shock, “Oh my god, are you that one girl who's trying to find the cavern? Oh, my friends told me you would try to find me, just forget about it!” 

I don’t care about much at all. The world is a blank page I’d like to keep clean, showing interesting written words I can not erase. If I try, the eraser marks will clutter what could have been a precise story of nothing. If I don’t care, nothing happens which is easier than risking your life for a second of happiness that will wash away. Yet, now, there are no warm arms to welcome me into a hug. No one is waiting for the three special words from me anymore. My desire from others has faded away to a past sentence no one will ever flip a page back to again. No one wants me, I have no purpose. It would make the three years pass a little bit faster, maybe once I’m out I can prove I am still deserving of those arms.

I’m not playing by a script anymore, the stage has disappeared. Emotions come rushing back as the dam has broken with that one phrase. I can’t forget about it, I can’t be denied again. Just give me something to latch onto, please.

My voice cracks and eyes water, alien sobs escape my cracked lips. Alex watches as I fall to the ground. I can’t understand why I’m crying. I don’t know what’s going on. I just know that I still feel no matter how much I want to deny. Suddenly I feel those warm arms I’ve been longing for since the first day I stepped foot into Oakwood. Alex cloaks me in kindness while I stare blankly at the dizzy walls. “Are you okay?” Alex asks.

“No.” I reply.

Alex sighs and pulls me up, “I...do you consider yourself-like...doomed? Do you think of yourself as a time bomb?”

“No, that’s idiotic.”

She looks at me with eyes that are confused, “When you get out of here, you have hope?”

I’m about to say yes, yes of course I do. I don’t even deserve to be here, I didn’t do anything. I’m fine, I-

The strong glass walls reinforced with thick creamy clay blocks  show me a reflection of a stranger. I can’t speak for her.

“I don’t know.”

“Ok.”

Alex starts walking down the hall so I follow, feeling sheepish and insecure. What just happened? Her dorm room  is void of decoration and sound, an echoless big room. 

She motions for me to go in, so I do. 

“You want to know what the cavern is?”

“Yes, obviously.”

“Ok, choose.”

She lays out three items on her bed, “Choose one.”

There is a toothbrush, a jug, and a box with cloth inside.

“How did you get this all? The toothbrush isn’t used right?”

“On my rare free days, I collect what I can.”

“You hid this? I’ve heard of smuggling phones, but a humongous jug?”

“You’d be surprised what siblings can smuggle in for you when they're giving you ‘clothes’?”

I look at the random items, “What is the point of these? What are you trying to prove, just tell me!”

She looks at me with annoyance, “Do you want to do this my way or get someone else's help. Trust me, if you really want to know you're going to do it my way. No one is as sadistic as I am to help you.”

Chapter 3:

I took the toothbrush, unsure of the faith that comes with it. I already have one so it just lies in my cabinet drawer, waiting for it’s mysterious day to arrive. I’m not sure really what or how this will lead me to the cavern. I’ve been trying it out though, in every situation I can’t really find a way to use it. So, again, my only choice is to hint a subtle lie, a little dancing shadow among the white imperial clouds. I hinder my speed from each class so Kamila’s wistful, disorganized eyes can zero in on me. Her being, well her, she’s obviously going to ‘casually’ speed up to me so she can initiate a conversation about her busy schedule. I’ll listen, or at least pretend to, while she goes on about being so tired her eyes nearly popped out from studying so she couldn’t get that one math page done and can she copy mine? 

That’s boring and I don’t have time though.

“Hey! Were you waiting up for me?” Kamila asks, tapping my shoulder.

“You can copy my math page Kamila.” I say dryly, she's not the only one who's tired from studying. 

“Excuse me?” She asks, tone offended. She walks in front of me and places her hands on her hips. “Why would you think I need that?”

“Why else would you be talking to me?” I ask, did I misread why she always sped up to me in the hallways? I’m not in any clubs, I don’t think I can help her with advice for that.

“What the hell do you mean? ‘Cause you're my friend?” Her structure relaxes a little bit, seeing my face soften into a concerned look. I wrinkled my nose a little more so I look less offensive and more defensive. ‘Slouch a bit, look down. She’s mad.’ I think to myself. It’s working.

Then the words set in and I stop for a second. The definition of a friend is a person you have a bond of mutual affection with.

“‘I’m not affectionate towards you.” I say.

Kamila looks at me with that studying eyes of hers, “Yeah, so?”

“Then we aren’t friends.”

“Yeah, but-”

“There is no “but”, that’s the exact definition of friend.”

She sighs with frustration, “Do you like garlic bread?”

“What does that have to do with-”

“Do you?”

“Yeah, I guess.”

She pulls out a dictionary from her satchel, “The definition of  like is to have love, respect, and admiration for something. Tell me, do you admire garlic bread?”

“To be honest, food is quite neutral as a whole to me-”

Her face looked tired and annoyed so I cut it off.

“No, I don’t admire garlic bread.”

Her face transforms from drowsy monday to a bright sunday morning, “Exactly!” With that, she strided off with her red sneakers bouncing off the marble floor through the endless hallways. I never got to ask her about the toothbrush.

Why are people so complicated? I don’t understand any of them. Why doesn’t anyone want anything from me here?

[garbagequeer]

hey hello im writing a piece for laptop ensemble that involves sampling and i need the most repressed/tender/yearning quotes you got. just as gay and heart wrenching as you can. but also no pressure I know youre a stranger on the web I just feel like you post that kind of stuff a lot thank you bye

hope this isnt like too late school keeps me busy :( (also can you put a read more on asks? guess i’ll find out). i ended up choosing many quotes from the same texts cause im indecisive as shit but i’ll bold my favorites from those in case that makes it easier for you!

anyways first of all you can never go wrong w richard siken as obvious as that is. these are both from you are jeff

You’re in a car with a beautiful boy, and he won’t tell you that he loves you, but he loves you. And you feel like you’ve done something terrible, like robbed a liquor store, or swallowed pills, or shoveled yourself a grave in the dirt, and you’re tired. You’re in a car with a beautiful boy, and you’re trying not to tell him that you love him, and you’re trying to choke down the feeling, and you’re trembling, but he reaches over and he touches you, like a prayer for which no words exist, and you feel your heart taking root in your body, like you’ve discovered something you don’t even have a name for.

Let’s say you’ve swallowed a bad thing and now it’s got its hands inside you. This is the essence of love and failure. You see what I mean but you’re happy anyway, and that’s okay, it’s a love story 

this one’s from planet of love (the format got fucked bc tumblr is not actually a finctional website but :/ )

I have a megaphone and you play along,                                                                 because you want to die for love,                                                            you always have.     Imagine this:You’re pulling the car over. Somebody’s waiting.                      You’re going to die                                            in your best friend’s arms.             And you play along because it’s funny, because it’s written down,you’ve memorized it,

from litany in which certain things are crossed out 

I make you pancakes, I take you hunting, I talk to you as if you’re            really there.Are you there, sweetheart? Do you know me? Is this microphone live?                                                       Let me do it right for once,

sorry about the scene at the bottom of the stairwell                                    and how I ruined everything by saying it out loud.            Especially that, but I should have known.You see, I take the parts that I remember and stitch them back together            to make a creature that will do what I sayor love me back.

We were inside the train car when I started to cry. You were crying too,            smiling and crying in a way that made meeven more hysterical. You said I could have anything I wanted, but I                                                                                just couldn’t say it out loud.Actually, you said Love, for you,                             is larger than the usual romantic love. It’s like a religion. It’s                                                                                                 terrifying. No one                                                                        will ever want to sleep with you.

from snow and dirty rain

I had a dream about you. We were in the gold roomwhere everyone finally gets what they want.

that scene from when harry met sally where sally says:

One day I was taking Alice’s little girl fro the afternoon. I’d promised to take her to the circus, and we were in a cab playing “I spy” - you know, “I spy a lamppost”, “I spy a mailbox” - and she looked out the window and there was this man and this woman with two little kids, and the man had one of the kids on his shoulders, and Alice’s little girl said “I spy a family”, and I satrted crying, you know? I just started crying, and I went home

(like anyone else sometimes cries when u see a family doing something nice? is it because i want to participate in a sense of family of my own but have been excluded as a gay person from it’s portrayals and it makes me go :^( cause i dont feel there’s room for me there but i want there to be and i just have to long for this nuclear family heteronormative way of life that i’ve been made to believe is idylic? is it because my parents got divorced and my dad’s an ass and my mom is just a very angry lady and i want to re-do my own childhood? who knows. should we ban movies? yes we should!)

from maurice (ultimate source of tender)

“There was something better in life than this rubbish, if only he could get to it, love, nobility, big spaces where passion clasped peace, spaces no science could reach, but they existed for ever, full of woods some of them, and arched with majestic sky and a friend”

‘Did you ever dream you had a friend, Alec? Nothing else but just “my friend”, he trying to help you and you him. A friend’ he repeated, sentimental suddenly. ‘Someone to last your whole life and you his. I suppose such a thing can’t really happen outside sleep’

we are all so lucky i don’t actually own maurice in english this would just turn into me quoting the whole book

ee cummings voices to voices, lip to lip

the thing perhaps isto eat flowers and not to be afraid.

from virgina woolf’s letters to vita

7 september 1925

january 21 1926 vita writes

I am reduced to a thing that wants Virginia. I composed a beautiful letter to you in the sleepless nightmare hours of the night, and it has all gone: I just miss you, in a quite simple desperate human way. You, with all your un-dumb letters, would never write so elementary phrase as that; perhaps you wouldn’t even feel it. And yet I believe you’ll be sensible of a little gap. But you’d clothe it in so exquisite a phrase that it would lose a little of its reality. Whereas with me it is quite stark: I miss you even more than I could have believed; and I was prepared to miss you a good deal. So this letter is just really a squeal of pain. It is incredible how essential to me you have become. I suppose you are accustomed to people saying these things. Damn you, spoilt creature; I shan’t make you love me any the more by giving myself away like this—But oh my dear, I can’t be clever and stand-offish with you: I love you too much for that. Too truly. You have no idea how stand-offish I can be with people I don’t love. I have brought it to a fine art. But you have broken down my defences. And I don’t really resent it …

and on january 26 virginia writes back

Your letter from Trieste came this morning—But why do you think I don’t feel, or that I make phrases? ‘Lovely phrases’ you say which rob things of reality. Just the opposite. Always, always, always I try to say what I feel. Will you then believe that after you went last Tuesday—exactly a week ago—out I went into the slums of Bloomsbury, to find a barrel organ. But it did not make me cheerful … And ever since, nothing important has happened—Somehow its dull and damp. I have been dull; I have missed you. I do miss you. I shall miss you. And if you don’t believe it, you’re a longeared owl and ass. Lovely phrases? … 

from virginia’s diary, about vita on december 21 1925

I like her and being with her and the splendour–she shines in the grocer’s shop in Sevenoaks with a candle lit radiance, stalking on legs like beech trees, pink glowing, grape clustered, pearl hung.

from virginia woolf’s to the light house

What device for becoming, like waters poured into one jar, inextricably the same, one with the object one adored? Could the body achieve, or the mind, subtly mingling in the intricate passages of the brain? or the heart? Could loving, as people called it, make her and Mrs Ramsay one? for it was not knowledge but unity that she desired, not inscriptions on tablets, nothing that could be written in any language known to men, but intimacy itself, which is knowledge, she had thought, leaning her head on Mrs Ramsay’s knee. Nothing happened. Nothing! Nothing! as she leant her head against Mrs Ramsay’s knee. And yet, she knew knowledge and wisdom were stored up in Mrs Ramsay’s heart.

Love had a thousand shapes. There might be lovers whose gift it was to choose out the elements of things and place them together and so, giving them a wholeness not theirs in life, make of some scene, or meeting of people (all now gone and separate), one of those globed compacted things over which thought lingers, and love plays.

there forced themselves upon her other things, her own inadequacy, her insignificance, keeping house for her father off the Brompton Road, and had much ado to control her impulse to fling herself (thank Heaven she had always resisted so far) at Mrs Ramsay’s knee and say to her—but what could one say to her? “I’m in love with you?” No, that was not true. “I’m in love with this all,” waving her hand at the hedge, at the house, at the children. It was absurd, it was impossible 

(fun fact: the spanish translation adds something that i’d translate as “one could not say what one meant / what one wanted to say”, which i really like and i was disapointed to find out isnt on the english edition)

It was love, she thought, pretending to move her canvas, distilled and filtered; love that never attempted to clutch its object; but, like the love which mathematicians bear their symbols, or poets their phrases, was meant to be spread over the world and become part of the human gain. So it was indeed. The world by all means should have shared it  

from the great gatsby

I didn’t want to go to the city. I wasn’t worth a decent stroke of work but it was more than that—I didn’t want to leave Gatsby. I missed that train, and then another, before I could get myself away (…) Just before I reached the hedge I remembered something and turned around. ‘They’re a rotten crowd,’ I shouted across the lawn. ‘You’re worth the whole damn bunch put together.’ I’ve always been glad I said that. It was the only compliment I ever gave him

from kafka’s diaries

may 27 1911: Today is your birthday, but I am not even sending you the usual book, for it would be only pretence; at bottom I am after all not in position to give you a book. I am writing only because it is so necessary for me today to be near you for a moment

parts from a from a letter he wrote to oskar pollak on february 4 1902

When we talk together the words are hard; we tread over them as if they were rough pavement. The most delicate things acquire awkward feet and we can’t help it. We’re almost in each other’s way; I bump into you and you - I don’t dare and you. When we come to things that are not exactly cobblestones or the Kunstwart, we suddenly see that we are in masquerade, acting with angular faces (especially me, I admit), and then we become sad and bored. Does anyone make you as bored as I do?

then I fall silent and you fall silent and you become bored, and I become bored and it’s all like a stupid hangover and there’s no use lifting a hand. But neither wants to say this to the other, out of shame or fear or - You see, we are afraid of each other, or I am.

Of course I understand it. It’s boring to stand for years in front of an ugly wall and it just won’t crumble away. Of course, but the wall is afraid for itself, fro the garden (if there is one), and you get out of sorts, yawn, have headaches, don’t know where to turn

You often talk with her, not only for the sake of talking. You walk around with her somewhere here or there, or in Roztok, and i sit at my desk at home. You talk with her, and in the middle of a sentence somebody jumps up and makes a bow. That is me with my untrimmed words and angular faces. That lasts only a moment, and then you go on talking. I sit at my desk at home and yawn. I’ve been trhough it already. Wouldn’t that separate us? Is that so strange? Are we enemies? I am very fond of you

from his leters to milena

Last night I dreamed about you. What happened in detail I can hardly remember, all I know is that we kept merging into one another. I was you, you were me. Finally you somehow caught fire.

jane wong. from clearing

We want to believe everything has meaning.Plums blossom over a power grid

and I am in love again. The shame of it.

from leslie harrison’s [sirens]

I’m not Penelope married to faith married to waitingbound in fine soft strands of silk dyed and stretchedin my world longing has teeth and fins has a tastefor blood longing is a room built entirely of knives

Lorde’s melodrama tour interlude

Don’t you wish you could go inside a heart, see the strings and atrium’s, everything beating and bleeding. It’s kind of funny, I spend almost every minute thinking about love. Being guided, and divided by love. But I’ve never seen it. It’s just a rumour, a comedown, an afterglow. I wanna see it, in colour. In the summer, I can almost picture it

from Andrea Long Chu’s on liking women

One day, you tell yourself, it will give you what you want. Then, one day, it doesn’t. Now it dawns on you that your object will probably never give you what you want. But this is not what’s disappointing, not really. What’s disappointing is what happens next: nothing. You keep your object. You continue to follow it around, stash it in a drawer, water it, tweet at it. It still doesn’t give you what you want—but you knew that. You have had another realization: not getting what you want has very little to do with wanting it. Knowing better usually doesn’t make it better. You don’t want something because wanting it will lead to getting it. You want it because you want it

ada limón, In a Mexican Restaurant I Recall How Much You Upset Me

But love is impossible and it goes ondespite the impossible. You’re the muscleI cut from the bone and still the boneremembers, still it wants (so much, it wants)the flesh back, the real thing,if only to rail against it, if onlyto argue and fight, if only to missa solve-able absence.

i dont think i need to get into mitski songs because you probably already know but basically pink in the night/come into the water/once more to see you/in happy when she says if you’re going take the train so i can hear it rumble one last rumble/in i want you from the first verse to the first time she goes “i just need a quiet place where i can scream how i love you” (YES the card thing is very important)/the first verse of i will (w emphasis on everything you feel is good i f you wold only let you)/abbey/strawberry blond

sufjan steven’s futile devices obviously predatory wasp of the palisades you know the drill 

was going to find some twin fantasy lyrics but i started thinking about famous prophets (minds) and like. emotionally left my body so. i wont be thinking about it or any other songs anymore it makes me too crazy

from frances ha

It’s that thing when you’re with someone and you love them and they know it and they love you and you know it but it’s a party and you’re both talking to other people and you’re laughing and shining and you look across the room and catch each other’s eyes. But not because you’re possessive, or it’s precisely sexual, but because that is your person in this life and it’s funny and sad but only because this life will end and it’s this secret world that exists right there. In public. Unnoticed. That no one else knows about. It’s sort of like how they say that other dimensions exist all around us but we don’t have the ability to perceive them. That’s what I want out of a relationship. Or just life, I guess.

from ellen lee’s notes on twin fantasy that i revisit constantly

there’s no going back to deliver these words to the ones they were really meant for. That’s how heartbreak feels, I guess. It feels like your heart in between the teeth of someone who’s looking away. When you’ve lost your loved object, what happens to all the things you have to say to them? When they’re turned away, what happens to all the things that you couldn’t, but desperately need(ed) to, say to their face? He dissociates himself from his own romance until it becomes a fantasy. You have your bleeding heart, you have a finite set of memories — when nothing new enters and you’re unwilling to let go, then you have a fantasy. The loved object enters into you and transforms.

the journey home by dermot bolger(havent read this at all dont really plan to/dont know a thing about it either i just came across this shit like 2 years ago and i still think about it)

I wanted to hurt him; I wanted just to touch him. What I wanted I’m not really sure. If he had stopped and opened his arms I would have walked towards him; I would have sat on the kerb all night with him

adam b, sweet i have a (really gay) heart

i feel like my body is the extension of a lake. i feel really badabout not telling you the truth, sometimes. i feelreally small next to you. tall boys remind me of bean stalks.i wish i had your legs. i wish i could know your handsbefore i even touch them

aaaand i think that’s all i could think of and track down, hope this is actually helpful and not too long (i am indecisive no kidding). also ksjdfg it’s nice that you thought to ask me this and i did have fun going over all these quotes so thank you 💖💖💖