#its bc i figure out better ways to convey what im trying to say

[snekdood]

that feel when u know what u mean ur just bad at verbalizing it

[ssreeder]

ahhhhh sreedie I lost track of tiiiiime I missed an updateeee

but ykw that means?? you get double the amount of blather from yours truly this time around :D

lmao finally sokka is getting some sword training that isn’t zuko hitting him with a stick when he gets his form wrong

sorry sorry but sweaty sokka is making me think of this one tv show where the main character is panicking bc she has to distract this guy and what she decided to say as a distraction tactic is “I feel.. sticky” and I almost died of second hand embarrassment.

anyways sweaty sokka supremacy this boy needs more minor inconveniences to balance out the major inconveniences that bulldoze over his hopes and dreams

honestly I think sokka is coping pretty well given the circumstances

I’m going to expose myself here but when suki finally reunited with sokka I will admit I was physically wiggling in excitement

aw suki your girlhood dreams are about to be pulverised :((

also can I just say I adore you bc you’ve managed to perfectly balance the fact that suki is a teenage girl with what she thinks is a requited crush BUT ALSO she’s a leader and a tactician and is aware of anomalies in her surroundings at all times

slay kovi my new fav

ALSO ALSO I HAD THIS REALISATION LIKE LAST WEEK BUT WE’RE GETTING MORE AZULA WHICH MEANS WE’RE ALSO GETTING MORE CHEN OR CHAN OR CHANG OR WHATEVER THE ZHAOS BROTHER IS CALLED I FORGOT IM SO SORRY

yoooo suki coming in clutch with the gossip besties

SHEN POV SHEN POV SHEN POV SHEN POV SHEN POV SHEN POV ok yeah I’m gonna be Sooo much more annoying about shen than anybody ever was about reho. now your never gonna wanna remarry me :(

shen is more dedicated to complaining about his sore ass than zuko is to self preservation fr

zuko and shen banter that’s actually purposeful verbal attacks but I’ll pretend is banter bc it’s funny >>>

it’s not Actually funny but it’s lowkey hilarious that shen is like “fuck now I gotta be chivalrous and save zuko over myself if I ever get the chance why must I be such a gentleman woe is me” like bestie if you really didn’t want to help zuko you could just.. Not

also I think you’re handling like the racist propaganda of the fire nation about the other nations really well btw!!

lmao not morrak singling sokka out as an instigator for potential mass injury so blatantly

okay sad that sokka is suffering with communication BUT HOPEFULLY when (and I mean WHEN sreedie istg) zukka are reunited he’ll maybe have a better time trying to get zuko to like.. actually fucking talk about how he’s feeling??? maybe?? a girl can dream okay. but also it’s so real to like not be able to open up to people able difficult topics (not that I have anywhere Near the trauma these boys have) just bc you haven’t yet started talking to someone about them and it’s overwhelming to even think where to begin bc it feels like even if you could figure it out it’ll be impossible to actually convey all the nuance of how you’re feeling bc there’s just so much of it

AUNT WU pls sokka enjoy hating on spirit shenanigans I was you to experience some joy

ohoho please PLEASE let quon’s assholery and ambition bite him in the ass P L E A S E sreedie I’m begging

dude not zuko genuinely considering whether he would maintain his pride better by literally shitting his pants. I can’t anymore with this boy

“are you a good person shen”

“not all the time”

WHAT A SLAY ANSWER OMFG HES AN ICON HES A LEGEND HES-

I’m not sure whether to be scared that quon Will be worse than zhao or laugh at quon’s confidence bc there’s no way he’s worse than zhao

quick question sreedie umm how hasn’t zuko lost any teeth yet am I just supposed to suspend my disbelief about how many times he can get punched in the jaw and not suffer some serious dental damage

awww shen you DO care about zuko :3

genuinely living for shen’s belaboured feral pygmy puma dad era that zuko is forcing him to suffer through its glorious

listen all shen needs to do is leverage sokka against zuko?? like literally just bitch at him about how if he gets himself killed then sokka will be distraught and that’s like at least 60% of his attitude issues solved

do I dislike jet? yeah. do I think it’s going to be wildly entertaining to have him along for the journey? yeah.

NOT MORE OF THE FUCKING BENDER SUPPRESSANTS FUCK OFF ohohoho alas quon you are unaware about zuko being bloody superhuman when it comes to this drug

I was going to say something else but now I have forgotten but!! it’s okay bc now I am going to read the second chapter and hopefully I’ll remember it at some point when I’m writing my next comment >:)

I have been thinking of answering your asks for DAYYYYSSSSS but these damn holidays don’t wanna let me DO IT. But don’t worry ex-lover I am here!

Suki & Sokka reuniting is amazing! She is going to be a good influence on him, I feel it in my BONES!

Or he will gaslight her into thinking he is fine & she won’t be able to help with Shiiit….

Sokka hasn’t spoken to ANYONE about what happened to him except Zuko. & even his dad & Bato got the “safe version” so yeah opening up or even beginning to accept that this is a topic he will EVENTUALLY have to find words to communicate is very difficult… for some people it’s impossible. So I do feel bad for Sokka he isn’t an in easy spot.

It’s funny you mention teeth this was like a big convo in the server today so I’m going to go ahead & say zukos teeth are blessed by Agni themselves so they will not break or fall out it’s canon don’t question me.

Shens teeth are not though

I have my hand pressed against the glass window of my house staring across at your house because we don’t live together anymore but I miss you…..

[saetoru]

how are u so good at writing . reveal ur secrets pls . but seriously, what advice would u give ??

HAGDFKJSHDF this is so kind :( to be rly honest, i personally don't have the best relationship with my own writing (as a lot of writers in all realness) so i cant say im rly confident in any advice 😭 but idk hopefully these might help u improve at least—which is always the main goal anyway

i have some advice on writing fics here

and i have advice on writing smut here if u write nsfw

and some more below the cut:

over all i would say that reading all types of media can really help you find a voice in writing—poetry can help you make better metaphors and have a more "deep" / "meaningful" writing voice, reading novels can help you develop an ability to tell stories and build a detailed world, etc. but yeah u can read fanfic, articles, journals, poems, books, wtv u read rly can help u pick up not just ways to develop writing voices, but also you can just learn about the world u know ?? i been reading a few articles about the royal family in the news and its taught a lot about how the inner works of royalty is set up—things that u don't rly take the time to care to know, but in my head as i was reading it i was like omg if i ever wrote a royal au this would be so useful 💀 so yeah, very basic tip, but reading is always number one advice. and again, dont limit urself to one type of writing !! writing is so vast, u can pick up something from any genre of it

also have a certain position / place / set up when u write. i know it sounds kind of dumb at first like okay whats the difference between if i write at my desk vs at my couch but its big !! for me at least. i find that if i try to write anywhere else besides by desk im just more easily distracted and then it cuts my train of thought and my sentences come out choppy and then my flow is ruined. theres actually a big difference in my writing based on location. and having a playlist helps !! whether its of songs with lyrics that inspire you (such as sad songs for angst, romantic ones for something more intimate, etc.) or just plain classical music. classical music has been a game changer for me. (don't ask me for recs i couldn't name a single song or artist if u held a gun to my head LMAONSDFG i just search random spotify playlists)

as far as writing goes, i think its important to start writing when u have a vague ending in mind—you don't always have to have the middle parts figured out, but having an ending can help guide u as u write and pick up momentum and figure out more things to say what the middle part will be to get u to that ending. i almost never write anything without an ending in mind. sometimes its one line and sometimes its an idea / concept of an event that will happen. but yeah an ending can rly help u figure out how to structure a fic !!

figuring out if ur stronger in dialogue vs the commentary portion of writing (for lack of better words LMAO but yall know what i mean—i hope) can also help u !! i think im a bit more dialogue suited as a writer, so a lot of the things i wanna convey, like a character's feelings and thoughts, are shown thru dialogue more often. if u focus more on what ur good at, the other things will kind of come on their own so u can continue—like when i say something thru dialogue that needs some context, the next paragraph might be some background on the character that explains it. which is just basic writing i know skjdhfjgdf but sometimes i just write out like a full convo of dialogue nonstop and go back and actually add the "meat" in between to it afterward. and that's bc the dialogue comes easy to me u know ?? and the commentary / story building in between doesn't, so focusing on one forces me to have to incorporate the other and by then i've somewhat figured out what to write by then. << this method can also rly help u improve ur dialogue too tho if u struggle on that bc seeing a convo just non stop without any background info in between to break it can give u an idea of how it sounds and what the dynamic between two characters is.

also to help with dialogue u can have a convo with yourself out loud 😭 i know that sounds dumb and weird BUT TRUST ME IT RLY HELPS KSHDGDF SOBSOB sometimes u just gotta talk to urself to have a convo flow !! and that way u can also really hear the words and know if they're a bit cheesy or cringe (we have all wrote a cringey dialogue here and there, no shame in it LMAO) but yeah 😭 talking to urself helps

i always suggest breaking things up into scenes that build into a plot. if ur having issues connecting parts of a story, just break it up into scenes. like my shin fic, if u read it (u don't have to for the example dw) but it was like literally like this in my drafts: shin and reader in shop, shin gets upset. shin and reader at home, slight confrontation / sex. shin + waka convo. shin hospital. KJASHGEHF (this sounds so dumb out of context LMAO) but yeah if u do that and then individually write those scenes out, its rly not much different than like maybe writing a drabble, which is far more manageable. and then u can connect them, and boom u have a full length fic !! but yeah that's something that helps me since im still developing my skills to write longer works

also rly discussing characters with friends, reading up on their information, and staying open to discussions that analyze characters is rly important !! we all have our own takes of a character so its okay if they're not always aligning with urs, but sometimes they can help u rly figure out a character and what u feel is their back story and the focal point of who they are—and the more u understand a character, the more describing them and portraying them will be easier. and trust me when u rly feel like u understand a character, the words don't stop, either when ur giving them dialogue or when ur just giving extra back story / commentary.

so yeah that was a bit rambly skhsd im rly sorry about that but i hope that helps a bit !! tysm for the kind ask and it rly did mean a lot to me <3 good luck on ur writing !!

[crybabyddl]

I WOULD VERY MUCH LIKE TO REITERATE SOMETHING

Yes, let’s circle back to the beautiful performance of Edge of Great. More specifically the BODY LANGUAGE, particularly Julie and Luke’s, which I will be analyzing with gifs.

Exhibit A

Jealous Luke looks over at Julie and Reggie vibing

Julie is aware that she’s avoiding Luke, which she is doing so bc she realized her feelings for him thanks to Flynn earlier in the episode.

Since Julie has put the task of ignoring Luke upon herself even though she has no obligation to, she ends up failing her own mission. She sees Luke’s reaction to the lack of her attention.

She literally FREEZES. She’s emotionally worried to confront what she’s feeling and it’s beginning to manifest physically.

Exhibit B

It gets better y’all. After Luke finally has even a crumb of Julie’s attention, he beckons her over with his signature head tilt. This is important bc he did this with his longtime bandmate during the soundcheck of what would’ve been their biggest performance. If he feels comfortable enough using that body language with a girl he’s only known for, what, a week and a half(?) then you know this puppy boy’s got it BAD.

Julie is well aware that Luke is getting jealous. But in classic Julie fashion, she will try to tune it out instead of addressing it. Our wicked beauty doesn’t like confrontation and would rather just deny and avoid than potentially make things awkward, especially when she knows Luke would ask her about it at a later time.

The look on Julie’s face. Her eyes widen and the classic tight-lipped awkward smile is present. She’s literally saying “ok enough of that let’s get back to work doo doo doo” with her face. The way her body SWINGS back into performance mode as she faces the audience again. It may have been a split second, but when you’re deliberately trying to avoid looking into the dreamy (dead) eyes of someone you shouldn’t be crushing on, any amount of time feels too long. Plus, she knows Flynn is watching and doesn’t want her to lecture her (but she does anyway bc Flynn is observant and knows her bestie too well to let any action slip past her).

Exhibit C

Keep in mind; NONE OF THE GUYS KNOW WHY JULIE IS AVOIDING LUKE. Flynn, Alex, and Reggie have noticed the Juke chemistry, but it’s still too soon for them to get past the “we like each other but we’re too clueless to notice that we reciprocate” phase, so even though their respective besties know, they are still denying. Besides, Reg, Alex, and Flynn know better than to keep pestering if they want to keep their kneecaps. In reality they’re both smart enough to tell by this point, but for the sake of the plot and to make everything more adorably frustrating, Flynn has the collective brain cell under lock and key, leaving Juke to be like *dog tilting its head and making that “a-roo?” noise*

Anyway, Reggie notices Luke being snubbed after realizing that his extra dose of Julie time was slightly out of the ordinary. Luke is clearly concerned (look at his eyebrows and how his eyes travel from Reggie, to Julie, then to the audience to trying and get his mind off it and bring his focus back to the main goal; the performance.) If he can’t have the moment of connection with Julie that he so desperately craves, he’s gonna fill that void as best he can by connecting with the audience. >:’)

But Reggie’s trying to help Luke brush it off by conveying his reaction as ‘look at julie coming into her own! i told you she was a star! and you thought you were the lead singer? think again buddy this girl’s got you beat!’

But since Reggie isnt a master at hiding his feelings yet, especially around Luke, —who was able to get under his skin earlier (“girls, am i right?”)—Luke was easily able to see through that and interpreted what Reggie was saying as “look at julie go, she all in the zone. you’re literally making heart eyes at her get a grip you’re slacking lmao” (hence luke’s right eyebrow quirking at reggie like ‘dude seriously gimme a break u know i need attention like tinkerbell’) even though Reggie’s true message was a bit less harsh and more lovingly teasing, but it’s Luke, he sees things through his eyes and at his intensity, regardless of who it’s coming from. (This is one of the reasons why Luke comes off as selfish at times.)

Exhibit D

Poor Lukey boi can’t seem to catch a break today! Not only does Julie ignore him, then has a cute lil (platonic but it’s luke so it still makes him jealous >:P) moment, but now she has the AUDACITY to interact with Alex? The guy who was out learning Ghost 101 with this Willie guy instead of rehearsing with the band? What gives?! What’s he got that your moody ghost bf doesn’t? >:’(

He literally just watches, and even glances back in a way that, to me, screams ‘did i see that right? did i just see what i just saw with my own dreamy (but dead) eyes? say sike rn.’ \_(*_*)_/

Meanwhile, Alex pays no mind. I like to think that Alex is fully aware that Luke is an angry boy rn, but has learned to ignore it, especially this bc literally NOTHING happened. Either that or Alex has no clue and just truly thinks nothing of it and is having too much fun to think about Luke’s moody and childish behavior. Either way, Alex is just straight chilling and we love to see it *^_^*

Notice how Reggie is right there vibing with Julie and Alex. Luke feels a bit betrayed like ‘not you too! i know you were the first to turn on me but i figured since you’re such a golden retriever you’d be loyal and come back to my side!😠🥲’

Also; Luke approaches the rest of the group, wanting to be included in at least SOME of the vibing, but when Julie starts dancing and smiling with her buddy Alex, he backs up like

“you know what? nope. nevermind. not doin’ it.”

and the group’s like “i mean hey it’s your loss, but luke we want you to-”

“no, bc you chose to piss me off right in front of my face so no luke time for any of you! no cuddles, no hugs, no nothing! you made your bed, now lie in it and perish.”

Exhibit E & F: This is where it gets a bit interesting and theorized hehe...

Now we all know that this moment is just fucking ICONIC

WEOWH NEOW NEOW!!! WEOW NEHR NEHR NER-NER-NER NEHR NEHR NEOWHR!!! (wer nehr-nehr-ner-ner-nehr-nehr!!) WUEHNER-NEUHNER-NEHR-NEEOW-NEOWH! DLOOLOODDUH-DOODLAH-HOOBLUEH-NEOWHR-NEUEHR-NEEEEEEUOWRH!!!!

But hear me out– HEAR ME OUT!

What if... now don’t shoot the messenger who just so happens to also be the theorist... but what if...

WHAT IF!!! Luke didn’t!! plan this?!!!

Listen i know you’re probably thinking:

“Well uh Nicole, isn’t that kinda the whole point? It literally wasn’t planned until Charlie realized Madi was gonna be standing on the piano so he suggested the idea for the guitar solo to Kenny.”

And you’re right! But here’s the kicker:

What if Luke THE CHARACTER, just decided to do this as an “Alright that’s it! You wanna be like that? Well what if I just hit you with my super awesome radical totally cool wowza guitar skills & make a moment between us? Huh? What do you think about that? Hmm? HMMM???!!!”

He licks his lips & that to me read** like he was nervous (**read rhyming with bed just to clarify) so that means it could’ve been a spontaneous, spur-of-the-moment thing.

In the second gif, you can see that Julie’s head is tilted, as if she’s a bit confused, but she’s also delightfully surprised.

Julie is quick to smile and scrunch her nose at Luke, something she does often. It tells Luke his impulsive action garnered a positive response from his favorite girl. Julie also starts to shake her head, but doesn’t go through the motion in full, which means she’s still a bit nervous to let her guard down. This is probably because she doesn’t know what he’s thinking or what he will do next. The lopsided smile mixed with the suave, gliding steps towards her probably brought her back to her daydream lol.

Luke’s happy bc Julie’s no longer ignoring him. He smiles like a GOOBER bc this chump is simping HARD for our Julie. So cute! :’)

Exhibit G

And hear me when I offer this:

What if Luke poofed the guys out???

I know, I know. It’s a bold claim to make. But the boys are special, considering they are a threat to Caleb (3 gay-variant himbos vs. a gay magician that could’ve been on broadway but decided to make some sort of deal with a devil so he just entertains capitalists who most likely sold their souls to get into the hgc which i will probably elaborate on in a future theory so dont do that bc im gonna lmao idc we all have big brains) So it’s not too crazy to think that they could share some ghost powers.

We know Caleb transported the guys during You Got Nothing to Lose. And the guys have left a place at the exact same time on more than one occasion.

And you may be thinking “well what if the guys poofed out to give juke a moment alone together?” And to that I say...

Look at Reggie. He isn’t looking back at Alex like “dude let’s give them some space.”

The timing of him turning around, at least to me, makes me think Reggie was surprised by Luke approaching the piano. (But also he lowkey was waiting for Luke to prove him wrong by doing something to get Julie’s attention so Reggie isn’t mad. Neither is Alex but he doesn’t like being told how or WHEN to ghost) Luke doesn’t even give his bandmates a warning eyebrow quirk, a hand signal, nothing. Reggie turns to Alex like ‘dude what is he DOING?’ And before he can even really convey that, they go *POOF*

This man had a plan and he was gonna do it, so he did. Whether it’s the power of love, they stopped performing, or Reggie and Alex actually poofed out, the odds worked in Luke’s favor so he and Julie could have a super special moment, a moment special enough to make an actual living person (Nick) wonder if a “hologram” has a better chance at connecting with Julie than he does.

Again, regardless of who made them poof or how they poofed, they mf poofed so Luke’s a happy hamster. (Idk it just sounded fitting instead of happy camper lol wait what if someone had 3 pet hamsters and named them alex reggie and luke🥺 someone buy some hamsters and let me be their godmother or their aunt and i’ll love them from afar.) Anyway, Luke’s thriving, flourishing, his crops are going to grow in time for the harvest.

You can see Julie lean back as she turns to see Luke. It’s... almost as if... She. Wasn’t. Expecting. Him. To. Be. There..??

Honey badger Luke bc he DGAF <|:) Bitch, it’s Luke mf Patterson and he’s gonna,, GET! IN! YOUR! FAAAACE!!!

You CANNOT tell me he’s not doing the absolute MOST to try and seduce Miss Juliana Mariposa Rose Molina.

Yes I’m making a headcanon that Julie has TWO middle names and that one of them is the spanish word for butterfly and that the other is her mother’s name. Also yes, I believe (i believe that we’re just one dream away from who we’re– oh, that’s not what we’re doing? okay, sorry!) that Juliana is Julie’s full name.

In this house we love and respect Juliana Mariposa (Dahlia)** Rose Molina

**I’m just putting Dahlia there for fun bc I can. :) Whether I’d consider it a possible middle name of hers depends. Anyway I just thought it was a cute thing to add bc it goes along with the other middle names I gave her *^_^* Also, I feel like I made a post giving a bunch of the characters middle names lemme see if I can find it later)

Ok i’m done this took me basically all day from like 10am until 4:08. I obviously took breaks in between, but not long ones...😶

[ankhisms]

the always wonderful shelley @shanheling tagged me to do this thank u so much!! i think that everyone i wanted to tag has already been tagged to do this but if you feel like doing this feel free to consider urself tagged by me!! im putting this under a readmore bc its long and i ramble a lot

the piece i was tagged to explain my process on is this oc piece! unfortunately i have a habit of deleting my original clip studio file once ive finished my art and saved it as a new png file, so i dont have the file to show the sketch and different stages of this piece. but I still can go through my general process and talk about how i did that piece!

1. planning

honestly i think about the art that i want to do a lot, and in this last year or so ive thought about the art i want to do more than ive been able to actually create and finish that art that i want to do. for my planning i tend to do a lot of different thumbnail sketches for the art im thinking of

these are some examples of thumbnails, a lot of times ill do thumbnails just on pencil and paper and with some of these theyre done quickly with my fingers on my phone note function on a day where i was feeling too bad to get up and draw on paper but still wanted to get the thumbnail ideas down. two of these are for the same songxiao piece that i still havent finished and i have more thumbnails digitally on clip studio for the same piece, i do a lot more thumbnails when a piece isnt working the way i want it to and theres times where ill completely scratch a thumbnail or a sketch and start over in order to do more thumbnails because i dont feel happy with some aspect of it.

two of these are small gouche painting thumbnails for two pieces i did maybe a month or so ago, i did the thumbnails and then tried to expand on them digitally and im wanting to do more thumbnail paintings like this in the future because it was fun

for the piece of my oc trio it was based off a series of ask prompts i got for a few different outfit prompt memes i had reblogged, so i based their outfits on the ones in the meme. when im drawing figures i tend to try and get the movement down in the poses when im sketching, i do several rough sketches of the pose before beginning to start setting down lines (if im doing lineart at all because sometimes i dont like doing lineart and do a more lineless painting kind of style). i really try to get my art to convey some kind of emotion, in the oc piece i wanted it to feel fun and like youre seeing three best friends while theyre out on the town having a fun night

2. creating

this is the only real example i have of a piece in the middle of being filled in and created, this piece is one that im really not very happy with & have had lying around for a while and ill probably scrap it and try to come at it from a different perspective at some point. but anyway it still shows what i do, i lay down a kind of neutral gray color underneath my final sketch/lineart if im doing lineart in that piece and then i start picking out the colors that i want for the piece and kind of setting out a pallette for myself. i dont do this color pallette thing 100% of the time but i do it really often, especially if im working on a commission or a larger piece where i know theres going to be a lot of colors or if its a piece where im not sure exactly what color scheme i want so laying out the colors together helps me kind of decide what kind of scheme i want. i am sooooo picky about my colors in my art i am genuinely obsessed with colors in art and there are times where i really have to stop myself from working on something forever just constantly adding more colors or putting little tiny changes and gradients in the colors.

after ive got the colors i want down i tend to try and block out parts of the piece with the base color for that section, and then i start to paint with the colors that i want to go on top of that base color from there.

once im satisfied with the colors/shading/rendering and everything ill go back and look over things and will fix things that look off or sometimes completely redo segments if they dont look right to me. when i was younger and mainly doing digital art using my phone and my fingers i would use a lot of filters and overlays on top of my art once i was done, and honestly im glad to not be doing that anymore because i dont think it made my art look any better. i do color adjustments and sometimes will put on a color overlay or a layer to emphasize the shadows and the light in the piece, but i try to keep those layers to a minimum and like i said before i have a tendency to obsess over the colors and ill spend a good amount of time in the color adjustment tool of clip studio and then ill just decide "actually it looks fine as it is" so yeah!

3. posting

i feel like i dont have a lot to say here gbfm i mean i honestly have a lot of thoughts about the relationship between artists and social media and how social media changes our views on art including our own art and how we can feel like we constantly need to be posting new art and just become content machines churning out new stuff. but ill save that rant for another time. i used to be really concerned about how many notes my art would get when i was younger, and i dont at all blame anyone who still is very concerned about that bc it sucks when u work hard on something youve created and then you dont get a lot of recognition for it, but honestly within the last two years or so i feel like ive begun to have a lot healthier relationship with posting my art. i really just post my art on my art blog, reblog it to my main blog, and then thats that yknow! i do really appreciate any and all support people give me, it means the world to me, but for me having the mentality where i dont need to post all the art i make and i dont need to be posting every day or every week or every month even has been a lot healthier for me because then im not constantly asking myself why didnt this get notes is my art awful??? and yeah i just kind of post it and my brain goes okay were done with that art we gotta make more

ive honestly been struggling a lot with art thru the pandemic and if youre reading this and have been struggling with creating in any way recently or even before the pandemic, please know theres no shame in having trouble creating and it doesnt make you bad at whatever it is u create!

thank you for reading this, feel free to consider urself tagged by me again if u want to do this!! love u all

[lesbeet]

not to be a nerd but i accidentally just wrote a whole impromptu essay about editing ndjsdksksk im throwing it under a cut bc it's fucking inane and really long but honestly... i just want other people to become as passionate about editing as i am lmaooooo

i also recommend 2 books in the post so if anything at least check those out!

quality books about editing... *chef's kiss* a lot of the basic ones (including blog posts online n such) are geared towards beginners and end up repeating the same info/advice, much of it either oversimplified or misrepresented tbh. but i read one yesterday and i'm reading another one right now that really convey this passion for editing + consideration for it as its own sort of art and i just!!

it's such a weird thing to be passionate about lmao but i AM and i've spent a lot of time the past year or so consciously honing my craft (ik i mention this like 4 times a week i'm just really proud of how much i've learned and improved) and kind of like. solidifying my instincts into conscious choices i guess?

and these GOOD editing books have both a) taught me new information and/or presented familiar information through a new perspective that helped me understand something differently or in more depth, and b) validated or even just put into words certain preferences or techniques that i've developed on my own, that i don't normally see on those more basic lists i mentioned

btw the book i finished yesterday is self-editing for fiction writers: how to edit yourself into print by renni brown and dave king, and the one i'm reading currently is the artful edit: on the practice of editing yourself by susan bell.

the former was pretty sharp and straightforward. the authors demonstrated some of their points directly in the text, which was usually funny enough that i would show certain quotes to my sister without context

("Just think about how much power a single obscenity can have if it’s the only one in the whole fucking book." <- (it was)

"Frequent italics have come to signal weak writing. So you should never resort to them unless they are the only practical choice, as with the kind of self-conscious internal dialogue shown above or an occasional emphasis."

or, my favorite: "There are a few stylistic devices that are so “tacky” they should be used very sparingly, if at all. First on the list is emphasis quotes, as in the quotes around the word “tacky” in the preceding sentence. The only time you need to use them is to show you are referring to the word itself, as in the quotes around the word “tacky” in the preceding sentence. Read it again; it all makes sense.")

and like i said, i also learned some new ideas or techniques (or they articulated vague ideas i already had but struggled to put into practice), AND they mentioned some suggestions that ive literally never seen anyone else bring up (not to say no one has! just that ive never seen it, and ive seen a lot in terms of writing tips, advice, best practices, etc) that ive already sort of established in my own writing

for example they went into pretty fine detail about dialogue mechanics, more than i usually see, and in talking about the pacing and proportion of "beats" and dialogue in a given scene, they explicitly suggested that, if a character speaks more than a sentence or two and you plan on giving them some sort of dialogue tag or an action to perform as a beat, the tag or action should be placed at one of the earliest (if not the first) natural pauses in the dialogue, so as not to distance the character too far from the dialogue -- bc otherwise the reader ends up getting all of the dialogue information first, and then has to go back and retroactively insert the character, or what they're doing, or the way they look/sound while they're giving their little speech

and like this was something ive figured out on my own, mostly bc it jarred me out of something i was reading enough times (probably in fic tbh) that i started noticing it, and realized that it's something i do naturally, kind of to anchor the character to the dialogue mechanic to make sure it makes sense with the actual dialogue

so like. ok here's an example i just randomly pulled from the song of achilles (it was available on scribd so i just looked for a spot that worked to illustrate my point djsmsks)

the actual quote is written effectively, but here's a less effective version first:

“Perhaps I would, but I see no reason to kill him. He’s done nothing to me," Achilles answered coolly.

see and even with such a short snippet it's so much smoother and more vivid just by moving the dialogue tag, not adding or cutting a word:

“Perhaps I would, but I see no reason to kill him.” Achilles answered coolly. “He’s done nothing to me.”

the rhythm of it is better, and the beat that the dialogue tag creates functions as a natural dramatic pause before achilles delivers an incredibly poignant line, both within the immediate context of the scene and because we as the readers can recognize it as foreshadowing. plus, it flows smoothly because that beat was inserted where the dialogue already contained a natural pause, just bc that's how people speak. if you read both versions aloud, they both make sense, but the second version (the original used in the novel) accounts for the rhythm of dialogue, the way people tend to process information as they read, AND the greater context of the story, and as a result packs significantly more purpose, information, and effect into the same exact set of words

and THAT, folks, is the kind of editing minutia i can literally sit and hyperfocus on for hours without noticing. anyway it's a good book lmao

the one i'm reading now is a lot more about the cognitive process/es of editing, so there's less concrete and specific advice (so far, anyway) and more discussion about different mental approaches to editing, as well as tips and tools for making a firm distinction between your writer brain and your editor brain, which is something i struggle with

but there have been so many good quotes that ive highlighted! a lot of just like. reminders and things to think about, and also just lovely articulations of things id thought of or come to understand in much more vague ways.

scribd won't let me copy/paste this one bc it's a document copy and not an actual ebook, but this passage is talking about how the simple act of showing a piece of writing to someone else for the very first time can spark a sudden shift in perspective on the work, bc you'll (or at least i) frantically try to re-read it through their eyes and end up noticing a bunch of new errors -

or she talked about the perils of constant re-reading in the middle of writing a draft, which is something i struggle with a LOT, both bc i'm a perfectionist and bc i prefer editing to writing so i sit and edit when i'm procrastinating doing the actual hard work of writing lmao

it's just this side of fake deep tbh but i so rarely see editing discussed like this--as a mixture of art and science, a collaboration between instinct and technique, that really requires "both sides of the brain" to be done well.

and because of the way my own brain works, activities that require such a balanced concentration of creativity and logic really appeal to me. even though ive seen a lot of people (even professional writers) who frame it as the creative art of writing vs the logical discipline of editing. but i think that's such a misleading way of thinking about it, because writing and editing both require creativity and logic -- just different kinds! (not to mention that the line between writing and editing, while mostly clear, can get a little blurry from up close)

but like...all stories have an inner logic to them, even if the writer hasn't explicitly or consciously planned it, and even if the logic is faulty in places in the first couple of drafts. when you're sitting and daydreaming about your story, especially if you're trying to figure out how to bridge the gap between two points or scenes (or, how to write a sequence of events that presents as a logical, inevitable progression of cause and effect), the voice in your head that evaluates an idea and decides to 1) go with it, 2) scrap it, 3) tweak it until it works, or 4) hold onto it in case you want it later? that's your logic! if an idea feels wrong, or like it just doesn't work, it's probably because some part of you is detecting a conflict between some part of the idea and the overall logic of your story. every decision you make as you write is formed by and checked against your own experiential logic, and also by the internal logic of your story, which is far less developed (or at least, one would hope), and therefore more prone to the occasional laspe

but while ive seen a number of articles that discuss the logic of writing, i don't see people gushing as much about the art of editing and it's such a shame

the inner editor is so often characterized as the responsible parent to the writer's carefree child, or a relentless critic of the writer's unselfconscious, unpolished drivel

and it's like... maybe you just hate thinking critically about your work! maybe you view it that way because you're imposing external standards too fiercely onto your writing, and it's sucked the joy out of shaping and sculpting your words until they sing. maybe you prefer to conceive of your writing as divine communication, the process of which must remain unencumbered by lessons learned through experience or the vulnerability of self-reflection, until the buzzkill inner editor shows up with all those "rules" and "conventions" that only matter if you're trying to get published

and like obviously the market doesn't dictate which conventions are worth following, but the majority of widely-agreed-upon writing standards, especially those aimed at beginners, (and most especially those regarding style, as opposed to story structure) have to do with the effectiveness and efficiency of prose, and, in addition to often serving as a shorthand for distinguishing an amateur from a pro, overall help to increase poignancy and clarity, which is crucial no matter the genre or type of writing. and even if you personally believe otherwise, it's better to understand the conventions so you can break them with real purpose.

so editing shouldn't be about trying to shove your pristine artistic masterpiece into a conventional mold, it should be about using the creative instincts of your ear and your logic and experience-based understanding of writing as a craft to hone your words until you've told your story as effectively as possible

thank u for coming to my ted talk ✌️

[whatkindofnameisella]

2,4,6,8

ok first of all going to cry bc i wrote this out in a very long and non-succinct way and accidentally hit the back button on my mouse and it. all got deleted. and im writing this again. but here we go.

2. What do you do to understand the characters better and get into their head space?

i think this depends on the kind of fic! i do one of two: for moment-specific fics, i rewatch the clip. and rewatch it again. and again. and then rewatch it and get all of the dialogue and voice inflections down. and then rewatch it and look at all the space BETWEEN the words and analyze that. that’s really more on the understanding side than the headspace side, but it’s pretty helpful to me!

for any fic (even the moment-specific ones bc if ur just writing down what u see on the screen its like. just go watch the show why are you reading this.) i will literally just imagine the table & liam and laura (+ any other ppl) & their body language & voices (an important one for me! bc i am pretty aurally inclined which is a blessing but also a curse when you’ve been watching something with a specific accent all day and then u start writing and its like why does this sound like scottish in my brain). it’s super useful when i don’t know what comes next, as ill just pretend like what im writing is a cannon moment and think, “okay, what would they say next?” i try to strike the balance between “this is fanfic i do what i want” and “would they actually do this if this was in an episode?” and if it strays too far from the later i rewrite it into something more simple or less direct, instead directing that emotion im trying to convey into the space between the dialogue/action (as seen above when i am analyzing actual episode clips, aha do you see the pattern). i like keeping somewhat close to possible cannon. 

anyways this is long because i am incapable of being concise and like expanding on things oh well

4. How does your writing happen? Do you visualize scenes playing out in your head, or do they come out in words as you type?

ok. as i am typing this for the second time i have had even MORE time to think about this question which curveballs on you the more you think about it. i think my process boils down to a really solid visualization of the scene & a strong sense of what the characters are feeling, which my brain then boils down into sentences & to which my aforementioned aural brain goes hey this is going to Sound Like This with This Specific Rhythm, good luck finding some words that fit to it. 

i think like anyone i do really have to have some sort of verbal plan going in, like A Scene or A Sentence that i am building to, or else i just end up really frustrated. i find that my fics that are all just built on some visual scene are harder to get out of my brain and onto the page, which is why an idea will usually float around for a day or two before my brain will go ‘hey look at this sentence’ and ill say OKAY YES I WOULD LIKE TO WRITE THAT and i try to start writing something just so i can write that one thing (although Buttercups is an exception to this. a brilliant, miraculous exception).

6. When you write emotional scenes, do you feel what the characters are feeling?

this is a toughie. in some ways i do, but it’s not in the more plot related stuff, or things like... crying, per se? the more i write the more i’ve figured out it’s all just projection and meta and yourself in one big pot, so i think a lot of the emotional arcs i write come from my own experiences/emotions. of course, not to the t, because i don’t have such intense self loathing as caleb, or am not currently falling in love! but like. caleb noticing the flowers and sun so specifically in Buttercups was me missing spring in January, jester finding joy in being clumsy in Viscaria is something i’m figuring out & trying to embrace more myself as i go through life, the rib bursting feeling in pretty much all of my fics is just from those every day little experiences i have of that, finding something beautiful and feeling fulfilled, just redirected for a different context. i think i feel what the characters are feeling in that way. 

8. What are three things you’re proudest of when it comes to your writing? Dialogue, descriptions, humour, romantic fluff, kisses, action, pacing, worldbuilding, setting, anything! Even small things like sentence structures and the way your characters banter counts!

oh jeez. i think i’m good at writing all of that in between stuff mentioned above, those little descriptions in between the dialogue or in between what the characters are doing, really using those to show the implications behind what is being said and done and how that’s affecting the character. i also think i’m pretty good at building to an emotional climax within each little fic, though most of the time it’s rather unintentional - that rhythm and plot (???) combined to have that moment of oh. that moment of revelation for the character. and lastly... i think i have quite perfected that knife that is caleb pining. for now at least. i’ve learned how to twist it real good.

thank u for the qs! ask and u shall receive very long answers that i will accidentally delete and have to rewrite again.

[goatboard]

What does being NB mean to you?

oh hm i never really thought about it that hard, a lot of my gender finding out was just “oh nb exists? cool sounds pretty much like me” and then “wait? I CAN be nb? and it won’t be bad?” but i think it’s mostly the dumb feeling i get whenever somebody mentions the entire construct? the feeling of not being attached to anything people say about gender and identity, even trans people or people that are inclusive and dont see the gender binary as male/female, and yet feeling that weird connection?

it’s how i feel both right and wrong at the same time when somebody sees me like a girl, it’s how being perceived as a middle ground, as neither, just makes me happier and more comfortable. its how simply i am myself and im better with it than when i was trying to use she/her bc being a nb lesbian is “wrong” 

thought that’s just my way of being nonbinary, there’s probably way more that can disagree with the way i talk about it. there’s probably a lot of unspoken thoughts in my head i cannot reach or properly convey just yet but im still trying and still figuring it out

[hirokiyuu]

8, 25, 49

already did eight!

25. favorite line you’ve ever written

O THIS IS TOUGH BC IM.......... narcissist. gonna make this easier on myself by saying out of published stuff only. um in general most of the stuff from the shnz hotarubi au i was p proud of, esp “The center of his world stood condensed at one hundred and sixty centimeters.” actually i rmbr apple beta’ing and highlighting that line specifically as “one racher is pretty proud of” and she was right

(if ur reading this it’s a sign that ushould also read my hotarubi au its good)

49. writing advice

uh. hyperfixate on a ship that no one cares about/everyone hates until ur forced to write pages and pages of it to slake ur own thirst. i wish this was a joke but its not.

put more seriously: just write a whole heck of a lot. u get better at everything w/practice and writing is no exception. if i read stuff from the beginning of my enstars career (when i went Feral) and then compare it to the end there’s such a marked improvement???? u start to get better at figuring out how to convey things and how to write scenes in a way that makes the most sense. just write, baby!!!

also one of the things that helped for me was reading stuff i didn’t think was v good? read things that are bad and figure out why u hate it!!! figure out what it does well!!!! go thru it and try to think criticaly abt what works and what doesnt!!!! read baby u got eyes!!!!!!!!!!!

[seokmatthewz]

50 questions tag

tagged by: @parkseonghwa​ thank u, joo joo the fool

i’m tagging: @wooyuong​, @ateezsbitch​, @atiteez​, @sug-er​, @surans​, @officialrenjuns​, @ultvisual​, @mingictzen​, @sonqmingi​, @softmingis​, @prettyseonghwa​

1. What takes up too much of your time?

my fucking bitchass schoolwork 

2. What makes your day better?

all the groups i stan and inna and all my moots and pals and looking at pics of mingi and jongho longingly while hoping for them to post someday

3. What’s the best thing that happened you today?

uhhhhhh i sat on my couch and watched 3 seasons of the office nonstop fjkdslf i didnt do anything rip

4. What fictional place would you like to go?

uhhhhhhh i dont remember wht its called but the soul reaper realm in bleach?? badass as shit i wanna see it

5. Are you good at giving advice?

apparently i’m good but only if u want rlly blunt advice bc i Will tell people like it is and i get that that’s not always appreciated fdkjfdk

6. Do you have any mental illness?

i have diagnosed adhd and social anxiety and god ive definitely been depressed, im just a cocktail of mental illness fkdjfld

7. Have you ever experienced sleep paralysis?

nope

8. What musician inspired you the most?

hmmm probably either jonghyun or tablo

9. Have you ever fallen in love?

yeah :/ twas a time

10. What’s your dream date?

my dream date is stargazing its so sexy and fun ugh

11. What do others notice about you?

uhhh idk tbh ppl seem to notice my nose a lot?? shes ugly as hell

12. What is the annoying habit you have?

i am very clingy and whiny and kinda narcissistic djklflkdf

13. Do you still talk to your first love?

nah, i haven’t talked to her in like 4ish years now

14. How many ex’s do you have?

3

15. How many songs are on your playlist?

i dont ever make playlists but therere maybe 400 songs on my phone??

16. What instruments can you play?

i played the violin and guitar but my school has no music program so ive gotten rusty :(

17. Who do you have the most pictures of?

xuxi,,,,,,and close runner ups mingi and jongho also me

18. Where would you like to go before you die?

uhhh to a fansign for nct or ateez or gugudan i just wanna hold one of my ults’ hands before i die

19. What is your zodiac?

leo!!

20. Do you relate to it?

sometimes i do sometimes i dont i feel i really exemplify my scorpio rising tbh

21. What is happiness to you?

happiness is just being able to be still and not worried about anything in the back of your mind

22. Are you going through anything right now?

kinda??? but its just bc im a dumbass and should do my schoolwork on time kfdjdkjfkdljf i Hate my film teacher

23. What’s the worst decision you’ve ever made?

speaking to anyone i knew in middle school

24. What’s your favorite store?

forever 21 all i do is buy big pants there

25. What’s your opinion on abortion?

i support it, i think people should have a right to control what happens to any part of their body

26. Do you keep a bucket list?

nah i just figure out what i wanna do when it comes time to do it

27. Do you have a favorite album at the moment?

ology by gallant or smyle by kyle

28. What do you want for your birthday?

cash or an nct lightstick

29. What are most peoples first impressions of you?

i am frequently told that i’m intimidating which is ??? ive never gotten it

30. What age do you seem according to most people?

people thought i was in my 20s on here???? generally ppl seem to think im older than i am

31. Where do you keep your phone while you’re sleeping?

in my parent’s room since theyre paranoid about me using it at night for some reason

32. What word do you say the most?

idk probably something stupid like ‘dude’

33. What’s the oldest age you would date?

i’m 17 so im at the awkward age where if i date older than me im dating an adult so at the current moment probably 17

34. What’s the youngest age you would date?

a year younger at most

35. What job/career do most people say would suit you?

something artistic

36. What’s your favorite music genre?

rap and r&b are my two biggest faves

37. If you could live in any country in the world where would it be?

hmmm maybe sweden or something?? its kinda sexy there but way too cold, idk tbh i like canada

38. What is your current favorite song?

look back at it by boogie wit da hoodie ft. park woojin

39. How long have you had this blog for?

almost 4 years i think???

40. What are you excited for?

i’m excited to finally fucking graduate hell yeah!!!

41. Are you a better talker or listener?

listener i am very bad at conveying what im trying to say in words rip me

42. What is the last productive thing you did?

i filmed my film project woo!!

43. What do you want for Christmas?

cash money babey!! and i’ll probably get it bc my family doesnt know how to shop for me hell yeah

44. What class do you get the best grades in?

english!!

45. On a scale from 1-10, how are you feeling right now?

if i wasnt stressed like a 9 but with the stressed like a 5

46. What can you see yourself doing in 10 years?

i wanna teach esl so maybe i’ll be somewhere in china??

47. When did you get your first heart break?

uhhhh prolly in the 8th grade

48. At what age do you want to get married?

i dont reeeeeeeeeeeally wanna get married?? idk i feel like its kind of a waste of money

49. What career did you want to have as a child?

i wanted to be a bet but i have a fear of blood so that went out the window quick

50. What do you crave now?

shrimp toast dumplings from a restaurant i love

[jungblue]

Lol I’m actually scared to have sex or even do any penetrative masturbation. Which is okay. Actual sex is not something that’s gonna happen for a long time. I’m 20 and haven’t had a first kiss too 😂😂 I’m also scared to get drunk.

that’s okay. sex can seem scary. you being completely bare in front of someone when you’ve never done that is understandably nerve wracking. just take everything at your own pace and do what you’re comfortable with. as for the penetrative masturbation that’s totally your decision. i would say that there’s nothing to be scared of, but if it’s not something that you want to do then that’s perfectly fine! and eh getting drunk isn’t for everyone. it’s very easy to lose a handle on yourself if your overdo it. so it’s not something you need to do if you don’t want to!

Anonymous said: I just want to say you are a HUGE help from all this sex talk you are giving and that helps a lot coming from a virgin who doesn’t know a lot about sex but I would like to ask if it’s true for your first time that you would probably bleed and hurts a lot? or there just exaggerating from saying that so you wouldn’t lose your virginity at a young age?

i’m glad it can be a bit helpful! but as for your question, no it’s not supposed to be like that. if you’re properly aroused and there’s foreplay involved beforehand it shouldn’t be this life-ending pain that movies and stuff like to describe it as. it might be uncomfortable certainly bc most won’t be used to the stretch that’s going to happen, it’s nothing awful. as for the blood, i won’t say that there won’t be bleeding. personally i’ve had one incident where i bled during sex (and this was years into me being sexually active). the thing was i wasn’t hurting at all. like it felt good and i didn’t even notice until the guy said something. i was freaked out obviously bc it wasn’t my period, so i went to the doctor and they said that everything was fine. it was just being stretched a bit further than i’d usually been that did it. so you might experience bleeding. but the pain is definitely something that shouldn’t be fought through just bc you think that it’s how it’s supposed to feel bc it isn’t 

Anonymous said: This is kind of a funny sex story that I actually oddly feel comfortable telling you. Well, I had sex with my boyfriend and was very tired afterwards and really just didnt want to do anything okay? And I look up at him and tell him I have to pee and he laughs and we start talking about something until he remembers what I told him and I completely forgot until he literally pushed me out of the bed and said "go pee you beautiful human you!" 😂😂 -mognut anon

aww that’s really cute though! uh i hate the fact that you have to pee after sex. like the human anatomy is really fucking up my cuddle time lol

Anonymous said: ive had girls come up to me and tell me they had a lot of sex with a guy but didnt cum and i ask them if they masturbate and they dont? I feel its important to let girls kno exploring their bodies and knowing what they like helps them communicate the things they like during sex with their partners. I used to also believe that penises would magically make me cum but you really have to let the other person know what you like for them to hit that good!

yeah i think that letting yourself relax is a big part of being able to orgasm regardless of if you’re doing it yourself or actually having sex. which masturbating is the perfect practice for this bc you’re alone and there’s no pressure. you can learn so much about your body by masturbating concerning what you enjoy, to which you can then convey to your partner. i do think that it would be difficult to achieve an orgasm during sex in front of another person when you haven’t learned to relax and let it happen while you’re alone. not impossible of course, but it would certainly be easier if you already knew what you enjoyed beforehand

Anonymous said: i honestly have no idea why im even saying this but i have like,, a super high sexual drive and am constantly masturbating (ik tmi) and i read a whole lot of smut,, but when ive been given the chance to actually have sex, which has happened a couple of times,, i kinda, shut down?? idk if that makes any sense. i basically stop everything and tell them that i can't have sex with them and that kinda scares me,, like, am i broken or smth?

oh no please don’t think that about yourself! i promise that’s actually very normal. porn, smut, ect are all very contained. you experience that in your own privacy, which is completely different than opening yourself up to a person during sex. i promise that what you’re experiencing is completely fine. you don’t have to force yourself to be intimate with someone just bc you feel as though that’s what you should do. take your time and wait until you’re comfortable with the idea!

Anonymous said: omg i read through all the “sex” questions and omg i feel so much better about myself. i had a question though, i tried to finger myself once but it didn’t do anything it literally just felt like a tampon or a diva cup. what do i do? bc i’ve never been able to finish other than with like clit simulation

well most girls don’t get off from penetration alone actually, so the fact that you’ve only ever been able to get off from clitoral stimulation is completely normal and actually more common. it’s perfectly plausible that you just don’t enjoy self-penetration. but as a tip i used to also be this way until i started stimulating my gspot and that was how i eventually started reaching orgasms via penetration. you just have to rub against the front of your vaginal wall against the spot that a lot of people describe as uneven or ridgy. just make sure you’re decently aroused beforehand and experiment with different motions until it’s you find one that works for you!

Anonymous said: Honestly can u explain to me what squirting really is ?? Like i read it and i kinda know it but also abit lost about it !! Help

i mean i personally have never squirted, so the only info i have is also just from what you read online and stuff. and from those sources it’s usually just described as a combo of female ejaculate (it comes from some gland or something but i can’t remember) and urine. it’s usually happens when you stimulate the gspot

Anonymous said: hey! you’re so sweet to answer all these questions! i wanted to ask how exactly to shave down there. bc it like grows everywhere and i’m so scared to go anywhere with my razor lol 

Anonymous said: I've tried every trick for shaving, but I get so many ingrown hairs. Like my hair, even just on my legs, doesn't seem to be meant to be shaved. I like the shaved feeling but it's almost not worth the tons of ingrown hairs. The only way I can avoid them is using an electric razor, but of course that doesnt do a completely clean, smooth shave.

shaving can be tricky bc sometimes it seems you can follow all the steps that anyone tells you and the razor burn still happens. there are tons of youtube videos on this actually if you want to go look those up. but as a general run though lots of them will tell you to get a good razor (one with lots of blades. the more blades the smoother the shave and the less it catches the skin), shave in the direction of the hair follicle. also this is just from personal experience, but after you shave you might itch really badly down there. i know it’s tempting but don’t do it. you’re gonna be covered in razor bumps right after if you itch it. so just try to fight through that lol

Anonymous said: Honestly I think I started getting sexual urges pretty late bc I didn't start getting turned on until I was 17 and even then it was super hard, but I just figured out what worked for me. I'm a virgin now and only one person from my group of friends isn't and they're not pressuring me or anything but I just feel kind of left out you know? It just feels like a right of passage that everyone (and that one person) is experiencing except me. I'm going to Uni in 2019 and I'm kinda worried about it lol

i understand that there’s definitely a pressure to experience sex, especially when everyone around you is, but i promise it isn’t something that you should feel the need to rush into. everyone is different and goes at their own pace. sex changes nothing about who you are as a person. just do what makes you comfortable!

[diary-during-a-pandemic]

another thing about this week off.

i mostly took it because ive been acting strangely for the last few weeks or so. i wasnt properly conveying my feelings to the people i care about, but also to myself. i once again fell in that bubble where i try to be what people epect of me instead of what i want to be, and so it was really confusing in my brain since its been a while since this has last happened. im not upset it happened, i think it just means i need to try my best to state boundaries for myself

also i need to remember that im firmly an introvert. for the last month straight every morning and night i was just on vc chat lmao,,, no wonder i started cracking at the edges. 

im still really really excited to get back. i miss them all so much and i hope that they had a good week however they could. 

i know that i wont update this as often as this week ends (bc thats just how i am yeet) but it was nice being able to catalogue my thoughts. without writing fiction, this was my way of expressing myself. but this also gave me an opportunity to refresh my brain and allow myself to think of ideas without the pressure of actually having to write them down and pursue them. i had so many daydreams (and wet dreams) and i finally feel like theres not as much fog in my brain.

ive also noticed that there are a lot of things i want to still change about myself. i want to be able to live life happily but i need to first figure out how not to worry about money so much. every time i see someone living happily, the back of my mind wraps around and says “but how are they funding it. you can never do it, you have to save up once you get your job before you can be happy” which just is a solid No.

i just have to remember that, at the end of the day, its temporary. my true dream will be achieved some day, i just have to keep holding on and live my life to the fullest however i can!!! yeah!!!!!!

also ive been having mad baby fever. i think i’d be a good mom someday. maybe the world will change enough for the better that i’ll actually consider it again

[jooheongif]

hi,it is i,theory anon!it was still day for me but i spent a lot of time figuring things out and reading theories and making my own and freaking out and then i was mentally exhausted and slow the rest of the day..worth it i really do love theories!i really didn't expect something so long either but mx never cease to amaze and outright refuse to be underestimated,it seems. i might also be biased but i too think it is a masterpiece(the song,cinnamontography,the monstas themselves...) (cont.)

i really liked every bit of the film i noticed and can't wait for anything they have to put out!since i already sorta know i'm gonna be amazed (isn't that also amazing?they just keep evolving and they're already so incredible). it's so nice being their fan:)) also,i'm so happy you caught up on your sleep and hope the studying paid off (even if not,i think it's great to invest yourself in something)! (cont.?)you're really out there with your heart full of love and you're sharing it so selflessly,it's honestly really inspirational to me and just generally truly wonderful.i can feel you're a gorgeous person with a breathtakingly beautiful soul and i hope you're proud of yourself,i feel you have reason to be!even if not,i can at least honestly tell you i'm so incredibly proud of you and happy to have contacted you because you are truly so caring and kind and genuine and radiate love (cont.???i'msorry!)(and you just,completely unprompted,told a complete stranger you're proud of them,i cannot express how deeply touched i am ( :') ) you're really so incredible i hope you know!)! this is probably pretty incomprehensible but i hope you can tell i'm really touched by your sweetness, you really made my day so much brighter. i'm very grateful to you for all of this kindness and i hope you keep being this wonderful and magical and radiant (cont.?? ?? last one i promise!)LAST ONE!!! also i REALLY hope you take very good care of yourself and i hope you know how wonderful and magical and radiant you are! i'm very sorry this was so long and please don't feel absolutely any pressure to reply,i just hoped to convey how grateful i am for you and everything you said. so now that i've tried to do that,i'll be gone (AT LAST)! please eat your veggies,drink water,take in some fresh air and stay strong (hehe) and i hope you smile today!💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕

hi theory anon !! how are you ?? hope ur doing well !!! hope u got some rest from being exhausted by the theories the other day :-) 

thank u sm for ur msg !! how to reply to this...where do i even start !!! firstly, im so.... :( my heart is so :( idk what to say im so touched by this ?? icb u would take the time to type out 5 separate msgs for me ??? thank you so much and im so sorry for giving u the trouble of writing all those separate msgs !! pls dont apologise for sending all of them btw !!! i rly appreciate every single one of them :( i was having a....not so good time at uni today and ur msg helped to pull me back into real time and i feel sm better !! u hav made my day !! thank u sm :((on first watch of the music film before reading theories and things, i thought that it was abt them all destined to find each other no matter what dimension or universe or part of the planet they are in ! like no matter what, they are always meant to find and meet each other ? but maybe thats just what my friendship deprived self wanted to see at the time ??? not to sound so..l*nely sorry ! but anyways...i just...rly lov plotlines abt friendship so i :(( no idea how i could relate that to dramarama but then again does it hav to ? a mystery :( anyway..after reading theories, some ppl had the same thoughts but even better and some had smth else completely different ! even though it feels kinda bad not knowing the actual truth abt their concepts, at the same time it is kinda nice bc reading other ppls thoughts and interpretations is rly interesting !dlfsdkjfkldjfsdjf thank u sm for saying all those nice things abt them !! ur right !! they just keep improving and being better than themselves w every comeback ??? i hope that since they already had their first win for dramarama, for this cb they are a little more relaxed and feel less..pressured ?? and that they can just enjoy the moment on stage, performing and promoting their work w/o worrying so much abt winning  ? :( like...do mx and their choreographers, producers, stylists + everyone who works with mx so that they can be mx..do they even hav a moment to take a step back from all the chaos and just...admire all the work that they've done ?? even if they dont get the results they want...even if it doesnt do well on the charts by their standards..like do they know how much impact their joint work has on so many ppl ??? and that so many ppl rly admire and appreciate what they've done :( anyway i rly hope the monstas rly just..truly enjoy this cb w/o feeling so much pressure :( idk...do we as mbb put too much pressure on them too ?? idk.. im writing this and hoping for the best but at the same time i know that the whole industry is fuelled by competition and its all just one uglie business™ in the end that we're all directly/indirectly contributing to as fans and whatnot, but at the same time cant do much abt it bc we just ..wanna support  our favs :( idk im prob typing a whole lot of nonsense rn but i lov the monstas and ill keep supporting them so ..that meme of marge dancing nervously i guess ?ok dam...there i go again writing too much im sorry ! :( ill try to wrap this up ??? sorry u hav to read all of this btw !! thank u sm for caring abt me btw !! all those nice things you've written...u are too kind ??? idk what to say to u to even thank u properly for all of this but please know that i rly appreciate all that you've written up there !! :( idk if i even deserve that level of kindness ! i think ive still got a long way to go to reach the person u hav described above but i hope one day i can be even a small fraction of that person !!!! you wrote that i inspire u but honestly ur the one who is inspiring me ?? :( taking the time out of ur day to write 5 nice messages to a stranger !! wishing a stranger well and caring abt their wellbeing ?? writing all those nice things :( !!! im always pleasantly surprised by anonymous msgs bc icb someone out there takes the time out of their day to be kind !! it always gives me some kind of  hope and reminds me that maybe the world isnt all that bad thanks to kind ppl like yourself :( im sure im not the only one who thinks like this...so rly thank u sm for selflessly spreading love like that ! thank u for being here bc the world is a better place w you in it ! i hope u are taking care of yourself and getting rest and drinking water + eating ur veggies too !!!! ily and thank u sm !!! ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️ 

[yuanstuff]

Chaotic Interfaces @ Babycastles

The Babycastles gallery is only open on Saturdays from 12 PM -6 PM and Mondays from 6 PM -12 AM. Already very chaotic of them. On Friday night, I texted one of my friends: 

wanna go to babycastles tmrw? theyre a video game gallery and have an exhibit rn called chaotic interfaces 

I have never been more intrigued by the name of a gallery in my life omg. is it expensive bc im poor

my ta from last semester cofounded it and theyre strongly anti establishment and read a lot of communist theory so i think its free

AMAZING

We met in front of Babycastles at around 3, or as in front of it as we could, considering it was in the basement of an apartment building. It took us a minute to figure out how to ring the basement, but we eventually got in. We were greeted by a volunteer who had the misfortune of having to set up all the pieces and make sure they worked. He offered to help if weren’t sure how to play any of the games, but admitted that he wasn’t too sure how some of them worked either. Not all of them came with clear instructions, and they were meant to be chaotic, after all. 

We didn’t get to play a few games, sadly, because they were out of order. It gave me IMA show flashbacks. Of the ones we did play, though, I have some opinions. We started from the back and worked our way back to the entrance, so the first game we played was this:

I forgot to get a picture of the staging, which is unfortunate because even though they were mostly just props, they added a lot to the feel of the game. There was a little table with an ashtray filled with cigarettes, an old radio, and the other trappings of an old-fashioned detective. You controlled this game with only your voice, so you had to speak into a microphone. The voice recognition was pretty good, and it caught what we were saying even if we weren’t speaking super clearly. The objective of the game was to find a 4-letter code hidden in a photo. It took us a few rounds before we were able to figure out the best strategy to win, which was to tell it to “enhance” before moving around or resizing the picture. After that, it was pretty easy. I quite liked this game – the visuals were appealing, and it made me feel pretty smart each time I found the code. The fact that it eliminated physical interaction was also interesting. It’s kind of comparable to the Nintendo DS microphone that some games made you speak or blow into. It was impressive on a technical level, but I think the fact that it relied on just voice recognition meant that it was pretty restricted in terms of play. It’s fun until you get the gist of it and rounds start to last about half a minute. I feel like this could be taken a step further if it were made into something like “Keep Talking and Nobody Explodes”, where it’s multiplayer and everyone has a little bit of information that they need to communicate to each other in order to win the game. 

The next game we played was a bit like QWOP, but much much worse and also very good, and the volunteer said that the file for it was just called “butt game”:

You had to sit on a big box that you could kind of rock around on, and that’s how you controlled the torso-less body onscreen. It was agonizing, and I was very bad at it. Neither of us got past 2 meters. Still, we kept coming back to it. It was fun! Even if we kept failing, which was kind of frustrating but still fun, probably because of the visual of a butt and legs rolling around on screen after you fell. It had to be recalibrated at some point, so I caught a glimpse of a Wii Fitness Board at the bottom. Revolutionary. I thought they’d used a tilt sensor or a 6DOF or something, but it was a Wii Fitness Board, and it just made it so much better. It was like I was witnessing a rebirth since it’s essentially a technological relic at this point that I thought no one really thought about anymore. But here it was, and someone had made a game with it. You could argue that the play was even more restricted than the last game, so why did I seem to like this one more? Part of it might have been the weird visuals, and the Wii Fit Board definitely captured my attention. But it was mostly just fun in how ridiculous it was. It’s great to watch your friends shake around furiously on a big box, and we did come up with a few different ways of playing it: rocking side to side or back and forth, or getting up and holding the sides of the box instead. None of them worked super well. I assume you can “win” the game by reaching 100 meters or something, but there was something freeing about playing a game that’s almost impossible to win.

I wasn’t able to get a good photo in the dark, but this game was pretty great too:

This one had a name: “tussletron 2038″. The controller is just an old PC trackpad duct-taped to the back of a controller that had been ripped apart. The game is played in Chrome between two people. It is an abomination. And it was great! You won by clicking the other player’s icon until their HP hit 0. Why is it so much fun to fight over a cursor with someone else? Since it was in Chrome, you could also resize the screen/images so you could get to the other person quicker or keep the other player away from you. I’m not sure if this was an intended part of the gameplay or something that was emergent, but it added a layer of strategy? to a game that was just about clicking?? and fighting over a cursor??? the whole thing was strangely mesmerizing and strategic. Something my friend and I both ended up doing to thwart the other person’s attempts to click was to move the cursor around erratically so they couldn’t keep track of their own movements until we could steal it back. Video game developers keep trying to make games more and more complex, but humans just like to click things and mess around. This game is really low-fidelity and looks kind of dumb, but it’s a good demonstration of the engineering fallacy in games, the idea that once we’ve reached the height of technology, games will be perfect and high art. 

Overall, I really enjoyed the exhibit. While I wish we could have gotten to play more of the games, I had fun with the ones we did play, and I got to experience some unexpected forms of alternative controllers and physical computing that reminded me of the importance of elegance in creative endeavors. I guess it’s oxymoronic to describe an exhibition called “chaotic interfaces” as “elegant”, but I think that for the most part it’s the aesthetic that’s chaotic. At their core, a lot of the games relied on simple controls that led to interesting experiences. In my own projects, I tend to be pretty extra and put a lot of “stuff” into it, which isn’t necessarily a bad thing; however, it does mean I have trouble conveying messages with subtlety. I want to work on taking some of that fluff out and putting my efforts towards figuring out what would make an interaction really meaningful instead.

[cowboy-butch]

power rangers spoilers under the cut

like.. a few major ones. theyre detailed, i tried to list out possible trigger warnings (bolded) but if you need a specific one message me! proceed with caution :)

it was honestly really funny, there was a lot of wit and sarcasm in many of the jokes and i was constantly laughing. and while there was a more serious vibe with the movie than with what i remember of the show, there were quite a few lighthearted, very sweet moments that made the theater ‘aww’ (the scenes of jake and his mom and how he cared for her were some of the sweetest they made my heart hurt)

some of the dialogue wasnt that great, there were some plot holes that i noticed throughout the movie, and some of the acting wasnt as good as it couldve been, but it was a good movie, it was a good adaptation of the show and a good start to what im guessing is a series? there’s a credit scene where they kinda introduce the green ranger (which the girl next to me was freaking out about it was great)  

the evil witch lady was kinda underwhelming? i wasnt really scared of her, i could tell that she would fuck shit up if she wasnt stopped but the portrayal wasnt really what i expected it to be, which is fine things dont have to be perfect all around, but i hope they get some better, more experienced actors to play the villains next time. the witch’s monster that she creates was kinda scary, there were some intense scenes with the monster and the five that racked up my anxiety lol

i wasnt a devout show watcher, ive seen a few episodes here and there as a kid, but some people have been commenting on the tv/movie references and inside jokes that were in this movie. there were some nostalgic scenes that i remember, “its morphin time!” and the “go go power rangers!” song definitely made me feel like a giddy little kid. this was a revamp but they didnt forget their origin story, they didnt forget where they came from lol

billy (blue) fucking stole the show. he was absolutely amazing. im not autistic, but i follow a few people who are and who talk about it concerning themselves and characters they see as being on the spectrum. so i noticed a few aspects of billy’s character which coincided with what ive read like when jason scott (red) touched him with no warning or consent he asks him to stop, he is constantly building things his whole basement/room is covered in tools and equipment and a big work table, which is what came to my mind as his special interest

when he got excited there was continuity of him clapping his hands and sort of bouncing on his feet, and the most blatant aspect of all; billy confessed to jason that he was on the spectrum, jason didnt seem to understand and made a little joke, and billy went on to say that his brain worked differently than jason’s, that he couldnt understand sarcasm or some humor but that he remembered everything, like /everything/. in the movie he was by far the best developed character in my opinion, it felt like RJ Cyler did a lot of research and listening to build his character to be the best representation that he could make him. (i dont know if this has anything to do with autism or if its just a cute thing billy does, but he cant swear. like something surprised him and he yelled ‘motherf- ah just mother is good’ like he couldnt finish the word. idk i just liked that part of his character)

t warning: okay so there is one scene that could be triggering for some people, so major spoiler here. the villain ends up killing billy ¾ through the movie, the rangers take him back to the main ship to ask their mentor person what to do and if theres any way to save him, but eventually the mentor brings him back to life. i felt slightly uncomfortable during that scene because they killed off their only black and autistic character. i still dont know how to feel about it until i hear from actual black/autistic people but i wanted y’all to know, if seeing that could harm you or trigger you. if you want to avoid seeing that happen to billy, it happens when the five are captured at the docks and its drawn out for a few minutes, i cant remember how many. if someone could accompany you, they could stay in the theater and text or come get you when the scene is over.

OH and something i noticed after the emotional scene mentioned above, billy was being hugged and he was hugging back, but jason walked up to him and kept his distance, letting billy initiate the hug if thats what he wanted to do. jason heard billy’s uncomfortableness in being touch and remembered, and let him have his space and freedom to decide on a hug or not. theyre my new brotp and I LOVE THEM

keep in mind that i dont know everything, i dont have autism so some things most likely shot over my head and didnt register, so im sorry if it did and if what ive told you has been incorrect. you are totally free to correct me if i have been, but i felt like billy was (mostly) treated with care and respect.

so admittedly the gay character reveal was kinda small, i wouldve definitely liked if it was bigger but keeping in mind what the director said in one of his interviews is important.

“For Trini, really she’s questioning a lot about who she is. She hasn’t fully figured it out yet. I think what’s great about that scene and what the scene propels for the rest of the movie is, ‘That’s OK.’ The movie is saying, ‘That’s OK,’ and all of the kids have to own who they are and find their tribe.” xxx

The way it’s revealed sounded as if Trini (yellow) was fresh into figuring out who she is, what her sexuality is, where she fits in society. the five were revealing secrets about one another to get to know each other better and she tells them that she and her family are never in town for long, and she likes it like that because its easier to not have to constantly get to know people, to show them your vulnerable side.

zack (black) made a little joke about ‘boyfriend problems’ which her subtle face expressions rejected, to which he asks ‘girlfriend problems?’ and she seemed unsure. (theres no negative reactions from the others, it does seem to portray the idea that ‘Thats OK’, that her potentially having girlfriend problems is totally okay to the other characters) im not positive in what expression she was conveying, maybe the character wasnt totally sure of her answer herself, but i remember being that way too.

i always asked myself if wondering if i was bisexual was actually just me wanting to fit in with my friends, or if i was trying to get attention from some unknown faceless person. i kept quiet about my thoughts for quite some time, i didnt want to blurt it out while still feeling wildly unconfident about my answer, in case i /was/ vying for attention (i wasnt). so maybe this representation isnt what my present day mostly-out self wouldve liked, but to my past questioning and confused “straight” self, i wouldve related to that uncertainty. i wouldve seen myself in Trini and wouldve cried tbh. if the sequels actually happen (theres a plan for five more movies to be made?? i hope it happens) then i really do hope that we see her sexuality expanded upon as she becomes more comfortable with herself.

(and maybe it was just me but did Trini seem like she had the hots for Kimberly (pink)? id have to watch it again bc a lot of information at one time kinda shocks my brain into a stupor and the details get foggy)

t warning: theres a car crash scene in the very beginning of the movie and one sorta 2/4 of the way where theyre escaping the mining area and connect with a train. after the second crash jason throws up but there isnt any visual, only audio. i cant think of anything else in the movie, so if any of you need to avoid or know about those, i hope this helps.

so these are my thoughts and opinions! if you disagree i totally understand but dont be a jerk about it, you respect me I’ll respect you. i hope y’all have enjoyed my long ass post and if you see the movie i hope you enjoy it!

[rhinointherain]

5-8-2020

Every coherent though is a chain of smaller thoughts Every (thought) is a combination of (feelings that you sense) Every (feeling that you sense) is an (amount of heat in a neuron) every (amount of heat in a neuron (degrees)) is a total sum of energy every total sum of energy is a neuron firing or not firing every neuron firing or not firing is the signal cells being released from the last neuron or not etc etc

Its all either off or on, one or zero, and the derivatives of them. It goes into the FOURTH dimension, the x axis is length (or time, the units) the y axis is x width (2d space) the z axis is x, height (3d space) and the other axis is derivative of x (4d space)

Every thing is a spectrum of itself underneath the 1

Each (x derivative) is an (x), each (x) is an (intergral/anti-derivative) of (x double intiderivative) and so on

Many peoples third eyes open within their lifetime, but only a fewer amount of people actually have the means tools etc to communicative what they understand effectively with the world and possibly harness it for productivity, which is what makes the difference between one of the greatest humans in history and a weird junkie

Kinda impressed by the fact that even despite having no language like this whatsoever to communicate with junkies can find a way to express these things in a way that other people whove gone through it can somehow recognize it

Or maybe they dont recognize what im recognizing at all, they are just communicating other more sensory aspects of “it” (act of third eye being open) and the people whose third eyes actually opened recognize these aspects

I can do anything now if only i remember what this was/is like. I can succeed in any field because I understand how all of them work in principal. Or at least if i remember what i recognize now well enough and can decipher it with enough focus to find a coherent way to use it

Being smart is the ability to recall them more quickly or the ability to understand their connections with each other better or understand them on a “lower” level ( the integral of x, x being thought). Maybe there is no “third eye opening” but its just that you get down on a level few people ever do. But there is no bottom it is an infinity of x into itself, also known as x derivative of x over x intergral of x

Hang on im starting to think of aspects of this i dont understand. Like what are coderivatives or whatever you call them. I cant understand where they fit into this because i dont remember exactly what they are. And time and space being two different dimensions (x and y) or space (y) being the derivative of time (x) oh wait that is exactly what im trying to say, i feel like it could be easier if writing by hand bc i could draw actual derivative symbols instead of counting on words u can type to express what im trying to say

(Wrote this last but put it here bc of organization) Remember this to help you understand: it isnt a chain bc its not just a line its in multiple dimensions. I.E. space. But it is because neurons fire in a chain I.E. time. We can only measure one direction in time but three in space.

Ok this is gonna make me sound even crazier as if I wasnt sounding crazy already. But time travel is not “movement” (one point to another) in the fourth x dimension aka 4th derivative of x (which would be to us like a wormhole), it’s movement in derivative of y? I think y, maybe i have this wrong. Neurons are oriented in space time. The amount of energy they have in them, their location in space (x,y,z coordinates), their location in time (along the x dimension) are all ways to describe the “point” they occupy in all dimensions. (Is the space time continuum represented by the x times xyz space section of all dimensions?)

Time travel is not just derivative of x, which is moving forward aka to the future, but integral of x which is moving “backward” in time aka the past

So not only can you move “outside” i e 4th derivative of x aka the fourth dimension of space (i didnt finish this thought. earlier and am trying to remember deeply enough what it said. It looked like it was a summary of the main idea that not only “” , but also you can move y derivates .” So you actually have an infinite number of dimensions being the derivative of one another in an infinite number of directions)

When they said everythings a fractal that was real

Things go in every direction all at once. And all those things go in every direction of their direction, which is infinitely more times greater than the first “every direction all at once” (which was infinity). Do you understand?

Good god. How did they figure this out. Like when you see media depictions of being high like tool album covers and stuff they have all that fractal stuff and when a sci fi movie wants to convey something deep the zoom in on the molecules until it looks like the universe zoomed out. They understand at least some aspect of this idea.

If i actually wanted my realization to be a groundbreaking thing i would probably need to spend a lot of years trying to convince people i wasnt crazy and only if i eventually effectively communicate my ideas across and spend a lot of time and energy to would it actually later seem like i were a tragic genius rather than a crazy person. also id need to try to hold on how i felt like when i was high for so long it would have a chance of disrupting my mental health/ability to function in society (same thing obvs) and driving me toward like hard drugs and that would not be good

Its so hard to explain the fourth dimension like i really dont think i could try to draw a representation of it like some people do (those cube things, i cant remember what theyre called), my conception of it is a lot more mathematical and verbal. But i still am pretty certain I understand it whether un-high me believes me or not

When youre trying to think about this stuff and you look away at your environment and think about memories and do other complex things that require much deeper chains of neurological communications in order to process them, it becomes a lot harder to focus in on these ideas because the complex things require a much higher/broader/vaguer level of though (higher broader vaguer being words we can use to try to understand what it means to be on a “higher level” as in OUTSIDE OF, DERIVATIVE OF X, IN THE FOURTH DIMENSION etc, just as like (above) and (below) describe location along the z axis if you think of the xy plane aka z equals zero as the “ground” and above means positive z and below means negative z.)

Its going to be harder than i thought to communicate this when sober lol but its still nice i was able to experience it lol

Other things to mention 1. Up until this point (but not after), some pieces of text are out of order than they were written, usually the paragraphs were all written together though not always 2. I wasn’t hallucinating per se but I understand how they work now bc some of the things in the corners of my vision, where my eyes are giving less attention to their light receptors, I’m seeing things off from how they actually are: I turn toward them and perceive them normally but when I turn away and theyre in the corner of my vision i see the distortion again. Its not like scary hallucinations or anything like for example I perceived a giant black slab like in space odyssey in place of the dark doorway, or a wall where there wasnt one. Its because my brain was focusing/thinking in different ways than its used to and so its less sensitive to the type of information it usually takes in from its environment and its interpretations of it are less precise and thus not entirely “correct”. Its a really interesting way of thinking about what it is that you actually notice and perceive. Like the experiment where they switch out the person asking for directions and the majority of people dont actually notice its a difference person

Yeah ok i cant really write much more bc im significantly less high rn, I could sit here the whole rest of the time and try to make sure I understand all this well enough each time I get less high but I really don’t feel like doing that its like, drifting farther and farther away and taking more effort to really grasp it with each drift towards sobriety and while thinking about how I might not understand all this stuff soon I’m tired lol and I appreciate the experience. Anyway yeah

More things I was thinking in the shower: Everything is a direction? And so everything is a dimension? Not just in space or time, thats only one section of it which can be described by a “shape” with three dimensions in the space orientation and one in the time orientation. All categories are their own dimension. In any given moment you are at an intersection of a certain (point) on [the shape representing the space time continuum] and all the other infinities

Question. Does the idea of god fit into all of this. “Who is doing the moving”—that would be god? “What is “moving””, etc. ? If “everything” is all infinities of infinities and this goes on infinitely, there is no possible way to be “outside” that infinity. Therefore you cant possibly “move” it all bc movement requires a force, and that force cant come from “outside” of it so therefore it all “moves” itself? How accurate is the term “movement” to describe what i am referring to? Which is our existence. Aka where the space time continuum is oriented within the “everything”. And by extent, where we ourselves are oriented within the space time continuum. I feel like i could represent this well with a 3d image. We are each our own space time continuum? With all this being understood i believe there is no possible way for us as humans to answer the question of whether there is a god, or what god is. I could be wrong about this but I dont think I personally would be able to. Same with the question of free will. The two are definitely interrelated. I feel like the ideas ive been saying can provide a different framework for talking about questions like this about god and free will and stuff, but the new framework would have to be engaged with/understood more fully in order to get any answers significantly more substantial than what we as humans have already.

“Third eye opening” is what i refer to this experience as but thats just an expression. The eye opening metaphor doesnt hold up super well when i actually think about what i mean by it. What i mean is the moment that you started to understand existence {in a certain way}, more “deeply”/“outside of just perceiving the space time continuum. But i dont think it actually necessarily refers to a specific threshold thats being passed, i just feel like ive reached a level today that is noteworthy because of how much i am able to understand. {In a certain way} is purposefully vague because again im not really sure if there is a threshold for what that certain way actually is, or how you might determine it. Its more that i reached a significant level of understanding existence today. But when people talk about the “third eye being open”, and they actually mean it, this is definitely in the realm of what they mean. Out of all the people in the world who make claims about having their “third eye open”, probably not very many of them mean something similar as i do when I talk about my experience of the third eye being open.

I was thinking about some other stuff as i was lying in bed i didnt write it down unfortunately as i was thinking it but i think it was pretty much repetitions of earlier ideas but elaborated in slightly different ways. overall the final thought was that in sum here are was that i not only can finally conceive of the idea of the fourth (spatial) dimension properly, but i also finally understand that the spatial dimensions are only one tiny “branch” of the many infinities of dimensions that branch into infinitely more infinities of dimensions. I understand now what is meant by “space time continuum” in relation to “everything else”. Oh one other thought i do remember having is that human “religion” (we talked in one my classes how difficult that word is to define) has very little to do with the actual god questions, i.e. what god is and what movement is and how god “works”, but not absolutely nothing to do with them. It’s our (humans’) very very very imprecise way of trying to address these questions.

And one other final thing. My first instinct was to spend hours thinking about how to best and most precisely communicate my understanding so that other people (and sober me) can understand it. I don’t understand why thats what I immediately jumped to doing and still feel the urge to do, when I could much more easily have decided that I was content with just understanding it myself and spending the rest of life knowing that I now have this special knowledge. I always thought i saw knowledge for the sake of knowledge as the ultimate pursuit but I guess I also have the drive to apply it somehow. I wonder if this is true for everyone on some level or not. Oh yes I also had been thinking about how difficult human language is to express what I’m trying to say because its not really equipped for it. like i just want to put quotations around every single word because words are just approximations for the ideas they are trying to express even when talking about ideas that our language is actually designed to describe, not even to mention trying to talk about stuff that it isnt. math concepts (even the few that I actually know anything about) are super super helpful to me in trying to think about and communicate these ideas and now I completely understand what people mean when they say that math is our best bet for being able to communicate with extraterrestrial intelligent life seeing as we have no way of knowing how other beings might perceive information. Wait a minute. Whos even to say that even if our definition of “life” didnt ever evolve anywhere else in the universe, there couldn’t be something else that wasn’t “alive” by this strict definition but not exactly “not alive” either. Like it didnt have “cells” exactly like earth organisms but it was somehow distinct from “not alive” things just like earth organisms are. Like the same way that viruses are neither alive nor not alive.

That article i had to read in cog sci about the “levels of understanding” (i.e. sociology is an abstraction of psychology is an abstraction of biology is an abstraction of chemistry is an abstraction of physics) is something that can fit into this understanding and probably led me to it too, seeing as I have thought about it a good deal since when i read it a few years ago. “...Is an abstraction of” is kinda like saying “is the derivate of”. Or is it like saying “is the integral of”, sorry I’m getting really tired.

Is “How” the integral of “what”, or the derivative?

Ok NOW i am going to actually sleep and instead of trying to think about this more i am going to be content with the fact that i now have all this knowledge.

Your neurons take a snapshot

Even if i am right about all this there isnt actually a point in conveying it and making it understood by other people. Even if it is an extraordinary feat to be able to understand all this it wont be seen as extraordinary (whatever that means) unless enough other people can understand it well enough to understand its significance, or someone who does understand it can make it relevant in some way to the rest of humanity and the functioning of society. I can wake up tomorrow and choose to say “lol i was so high and just rambling nonsense” and choose never to engage with these ideas again and go about my life like normal, or i can take on the burden of choosing to believe they are real, and then deciding whether i need to make them and their significance known (I dont even know if i know what their “significance” is, or if they have one). I dont know which one would overall be the better thing to do.