#its always lights coming on when theres supposed to b no one but me here and invisible hands touching me and pulling me around

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

[madefate]

Blitz only lets himself relax, inch by inch, when Stolas' breathing evens out along with his heart monitor. The spines along his back are straining, pressing against the pillow as they try to rise, and the quieter it gets, the more Blitz finds himself straining to hear anything out of place - something from the window, something from the hallway, fuck - something from under the bed. Of course, all he picks up on is Stolas' even breathing - the few quiet coos that sometimes slip out in his sleep, and it's that, above all else, that makes Blitz focus.

One thing he's never preferred is being left alone with is own thoughts. There's nothing worse than the weekends when Loona is out ( he'll never begrudge her - he feels nothing but pride whenever she makes the choice to do something for herself ) and it's just - him. Normally, he fills up the silence with anything that's louder than the whispers in the back of his mind, or the memories stirring under layers of years of repression: television, drinking, fucking. Fuck, even paperwork.

In his arms, Stolas is so warm but so light. Blitz is struck with the thought that if he moves the wrong way, he might shatter him into unrecognizable pieces -

( images of Striker's form bent over Stolas'; Striker's gun at Fizz's head; wrestling for the blessed rifle in Wrath; green flames consuming the vast, grey desert of his own barren mind - )

Subconsciously, Blitz pulls Stolas a little closer, presses his lips against the top of his head, eyes still wide and alert. Well - television and drinking and definitely fucking aren't viable options right now, and he doesn't trust himself to simply sit with the silence, so Blitz grabs his phone.

He expects the texts and voicemails, purposefully avoids social media or the news. Instead, he opens his messages with Moxxie.

�� sent. baby hands 】 surjery went good i think. stolas is sleep im here with him

【 received. baby hands 】 Good! I'm glad he's out. We've talked to Octavia, and I'll let her know. Are you alright, Sir?

【 sent. baby hands 】 its quiet here but dont come to the hostpial

【 received. baby hands 】 why?!

【 sent. baby hands 】 cant leave the room to make sure outside is clear too risky

【 sent. baby hands 】 and i need u 2 stay with loona

He'd probably been right to add the last - Moxxie still takes a few seconds to respond, probably spent in deliberation, before the text comes in.

【 received. baby hands 】 Okay, Sir. Please stay safe, and keep us updated!

【 sent. baby hands 】 👍

Okay, good - one less thing to worry about. Even if Blitz has a few, creeping doubts about his ability to keep the room safe, it's definitely more doable than securing the perimeter when he's nowhere near about to move and leave Stolas alone. The thought itself rakes a chill down his spine.

Now, he shifts just enough to make sure that he can take a selfie that doesn't include Stolas' sleeping form or any of the hospital equipment. When he finds the angle, he affects an exaggerated eyeroll, takes the picture, and sends it.

【 sent. loonie tooney 🐺 】 #hospitalfood #amirite #boooooring

The response comes almost immediately, and Blitz's heart twists at the speed - fuck, he hopes that Loona's been okay with M&M - that she's not worrying.

【 received. loonie tooney 🐺 】 ur not supposed to use hashtags in texts, idiot

Blitz grins just a little, hearing her voice in his mind.

【 sent. loonie tooney 🐺 】 that's why i luv you loonie, always keeping me honest

【 received. loonie tooney 🐺 】 u need it, dad

Fuck, that always hits. Dad. There is nothing closer to an I love you than that, and Blitz is forcibly reminded that he'd move fucking mountains for her.

He sends her one more selfie - smiling, tongue out - and gets an eyerolling and laughing set of emojis back. Okay - good.

【 received. millie billie 】 what's the news, B?

【 sent. millie billie 】 stolas is out of surjery hes sleeping now. still think theres tons of camers and shit outside

【 received. millie billie 】 how is he?

There is, perhaps, one person that he can fathom approaching the truth with in this world at this very moment, and she just asked him to. Blitz breathes out evenly, glancing down at Stolas - confirming that he is, in fact, alive, asleep and breathing in Blitz's arms.

【 sent. millie billie 】 hes really fuckn hurt mills. i dont remember everythign the nurse said but those weapons are bad news. worse than we thought. hes got two casts lost blood and i dont think this quack hostpial has the right stuff to help with pain and shti.

【 received. millie billie 】 and how are YOU blitz? remember i'm not moxxie, so you're not gonna distract me and you're not gonna lie to me.

Blitz winces, not surprised that his luck at dodging that particular question has run out - and certainly not surprised that the buck stops with Millie.

【 sent. millie billie 】 he got me in the side dunno if its still bleeding but i may need to stitch it up later. n he fucked up my shoulder and rib i think with a boulder, shithead. s nothing too bad i swear. dont tell anyone.

This message, too, takes a few moments to come in, but when it does, Blitz breathes a sigh of relief.

【 received. millie billie 】 thanks for telling me. i won't, but you know you can talk about these things, right? at least with moxxie, too.

【 sent. millie billie 】 yeah, mills.

【 received. millie billie 】 get some rest. we're keeping an eye on loona and the news, so you focus on what you're doing there.

【 sent. millie billie 】 thank you.

Sleep doesn't seem to be in the cards for the immediate future. There's too much adrenalin still racing through his blood, too many variables - too much danger in what his dreams would have in store. Instead, Blitz idly scrolls through his phone, avoids any news, and tries to ground himself in the interim.

All his efforts come crashing down when, simultaneously, the door opens and the lights flicker on. Blitz surges, all of his muscles tensing, and he's once again instinctively looking for his gun - where is he, how long will it take to get across the room, what can I use for cover -

His breathing is thready and his heart is racing, and it takes him a few long moments to realize that the intruder is not, in fact, Striker, but a nurse. Blitz watches her with wide, stunned eyes, barely taking in a word she's saying until she's read through Stolas' chart and fiddled with his IV.

And then he realizes what she's saying and he sees red.

Visiting hours are over? So fucking casually - when this fucking hospital has done nothing of value since he's been out of surgery?

❝ Yeah, I'm not going anywhere, ❞ he says when she waits at the door for him to obey. Like he's some fucking dog.

She fixes him with a hard stare that does nothing to intimidate him. ❝ Sir, I already told you, visiting hours tomorrow will be - ❞

❝ And I already told you, I'm not leaving - ❞

❝ It's hospital policy - ❞

❝ Oh, like it's hospital policy to leave the fucking prince of the Ars Goetia unguarded? Not on my fucking watch - I'm the personal security detail. ❞

❝ We don't have record of - ❞

❝ Don't care! Until His Highness wakes up and tells me to go himself, I'm not moving. Unless you want a lawsuit on your hands. ❞

Honestly, the only thing backing up the bluff is the hope that this is above her paygrade; Blitz hears the smallest, gentle whine coming up from Stolas and his heart races again as the monitor reflects the distress telegraphed by his increased pulse. Fuck. Ignoring the nurse entirely, Blitz turns his attention back to Stolas, automatically moving to run his hand through the soft feathers on the top of his head.

❝ Now turn the lights off and get the fuck out, ❞ Blitz hisses at her - and maybe it is above her paygrade because, with a few mumbled complaints, she complies.

The darkness is immediately soothing, a blanket over Blitz's pounding head. He keeps up the gentle ministrations, raking the barest tips of his claws through the down, his tail reflexively curling protectively across Stolas' middle.

Honestly, he doesn't know what possesses him, but a hum sounds in the back of his throat. The last time it had come to him, it had been Barbie passed out in his arms, working through an OD as he carted her desperately back to rehab. And though he was no match for how their mother would sing it, her voice so low and beautiful, it's the only lullaby Blitz knows, and it comes naturally now, his eyes burning as grief and care wash over him.

Held in Blitz's arms, despite the pain still coursing through most of him, the exhaustion of the past day? day-and-a-half? however long it had been finally catches up with him, and Stolas drifts off into sleep, much easier than he usually did, and much easier than he ever would have expected, considering the circumstances. But he usually did, when he was with Blitz. And while some of that had to do with how good Blitz was at tiring him out, a much larger part of it was having the comfort of someone beside him, someone he actually cared about.

As he sleeps, the machinery around them continued to monitor his heartbeat, the sound of it filling the little room. The blood transfusion had flowed into him, the bag practically empty when a nurse opened the door to the prince's room, to come check on him.

Really, someone should have checked on him after he'd come out of surgery, but due to a series of unfortunate circumstances, not the least of which was the press that had been thronging around the door of the hospital for several hours (there might still be a few tenacious reporters hanging around, but that was above her pay grade), interfering with just about everything, he'd somehow gotten missed. And by the time anyone had realized the error, several hours had passed. The nurse just hoped nothing had gone catastrophically wrong in the interim, both for his sake and for hers.

The door opens, and the first thing she notices is that the lights are off. Quickly flicking them on (not noticing the way Stolas, even in his sleep, seemed to wince at the harsh fluorescents), she bustles into the room, only to stop short when she sees the scene in front of her.

The chairs that visitors usually sat in had been moved to the end of the bed, with cushions piled on top of it, to create a makeshift extension, and one of the patient's legs was resting on top of it. But more important than that was the fact that her patient wasn't the only one in his hospital bed. The imp who had brought him in had her patient curled up against him, his head resting on his chest.

While that normally wouldn't have been an issue, as long as she can check on his vitals and make sure everything is as it should be, the prince really shouldn't have any visitors in his condition. Not to mention how late it was.

"I'm sorry," she says, even as she bustles further into the room, to start doing her job, "but visiting hours are over. "I'm afraid you'll have to come back tomorrow." He could stay while she finished what she needed to do, but her patient needed rest, and it would be hard for him to get that with someone else in his hosptial bed, not considering that that was likely the only reason he was currently sleeping.

She saw that the blood bag was empty, and made a note on the chart before unhooking it. The nurse also replaced the bag of fluids, to make sure he was properly hydrated and to help make sure he stayed stable.

While the painkillers they have on hand probably won't do much for the prince (they don't often get royalty in the hospital, and it was dangerous to keep the stuff that actually worked on them stocked), she injects what she has into his line anyway, to potentially give at least minimal relief while he sleeps.

The nurse writes down a few more things on Stolas' chart before turning to the imp again. "He'll be in the same room tomorrow," she tells him, fully expecting him to cooperate with the hospital's policies. He probably shouldn't have been let in in the first place, but that had been someone else's decision.

She steps through the door after telling him that he needs to go, giving him a moment to get himself together, fully planning to go back in if she needed to.

Stolas' eyes had remained closed during the nurse's whole inspection, his breathing slow and even. But as he heard a voice in his room, one that was unfamiliar, he stirred fitfully, the heart monitor picking up as his pulse did.

His rest had been relatively undisturbed, but the sound of a new voice penetrated the haze of his sleeping mind.

The timbre of it was similar to Stella's, and whatever he'd been dreaming about before melted away to show Stella's smirking face, the way he'd last seen her at The Richest Cup, cold, cruel, and immensely pleased with herself. She had delighted in seeing him almost get shot, in watching him FLEE.

Then it wasn't Stella; it was Striker standing over him, and he hears again the sound of the knife sinking into him, feels the way the blessed blade drives into his flesh, the way it BURNS, more than any normal knife, the way it saps his strength, keeps him helpless. Coupled with the blessed rope, he'd had no chance, no way to access his powers, to escape.

His breath hitches, brow creasing in distress, the beeping of the monitor increasing with his heart rate.

[erythrum]

𝑭𝒊𝒏𝒂𝒍 𝑺𝒖𝒎𝒎𝒆𝒓

𝘗𝘢𝘳𝘵 𝘖𝘯𝘦

𝙋𝙖𝙞𝙧𝙞𝙣𝙜: 𝘙𝘢𝘧𝘦 𝘊𝘢𝘮𝘦𝘳𝘰𝘯 𝘹 𝘧𝘦𝘮!𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘥𝘦𝘳

𝙒𝙖𝙧𝙣𝙞𝙣𝙜: 𝘴𝘸𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘪𝘯𝘨,𝘴𝘰𝘮𝘦 𝘧𝘭𝘶𝘧𝘧,𝘯𝘰𝘵 𝘢𝘵 𝘢𝘭𝘭 𝘤𝘢𝘯𝘰𝘯 𝘙𝘢𝘧𝘦,𝘮𝘦𝘯𝘵𝘪𝘰𝘯𝘴 𝘰𝘧 𝘴𝘦𝘹,𝘴𝘦𝘹𝘶𝘢𝘭 𝘪𝘯𝘯𝘶𝘦𝘯𝘥𝘰𝘴,𝘶𝘯𝘥𝘦𝘳𝘢𝘨𝘦 𝘥𝘳𝘪𝘯𝘬𝘪𝘯𝘨

𝙖/𝙣: 𝘪𝘮 𝘴𝘰𝘳𝘳𝘺

𝙒𝙤𝙧𝙙 𝘾𝙤𝙪𝙣𝙩: 1.9𝘬 +

𝙎𝙪𝙢𝙢𝙖𝙧𝙮: 𝘢𝘧𝘵𝘦𝘳 𝘢 𝘯𝘪𝘨𝘩𝘵 𝘤𝘶𝘵 𝘴𝘩𝘰𝘳𝘵 𝘢𝘵 𝘵𝘨𝘦 𝘣𝘰𝘯𝘦𝘺𝘢𝘳𝘥, 𝘺/𝘯 𝘩𝘢𝘴 𝘢𝘯 𝘪𝘮𝘱𝘰𝘳𝘵𝘢𝘯𝘵 𝘲𝘶𝘦𝘴𝘵𝘪𝘰𝘯 𝘧𝘰𝘳 𝘩𝘦𝘳 𝘣𝘦𝘴𝘵 𝘧𝘳𝘪𝘦𝘯𝘥 𝘙𝘢𝘧𝘦

✵ ✵ ✵ ✵ ✵ ✵ ✵ ✵ ✵ ✵ ✵ ✵ ✵ ✵ ✵ ✵ ✵ ✵ ✵ ✵ ✵

The boneyard was a melting pot, pogues, tourons, and kooks unalike all gathering for one of the last kegger's of summer. This mash together of kids from all over Kildare and the mainland always ended in chaos, it was just a matter of time before shit went down tonight.

Rafe had his arm thrown around my shoulders as we walked down the path to the boneyard. I could faintly see Topper and Kelce downing the cups of pogue provided beer. Didn’t matter whether or not the kooks or pogues could get along, as long as it was on the cut and alcohol was provided, the teens could get along for a limited amount of time.

“Hey y/n! What are you doing here? I thought you were leaving for college this week?” It was Sarah who yelled out to me, running up to her brother and I in her floral printed dress. Rafe’s arm dropped to his side as she came with Topper not far behind.

“Oh I just couldn’t miss my last kegger before leaving, Duke can wait on me one more day.” The two of us embraced in one of those hugs that has you shifting your weight from side to side. I guess she didn’t realize I wouldn’t leave for college for another month, but I was sure she was already too drunk for me to explain it to her that she was not thinking of the right month.

As Sarah was hanging onto me probably a little too tight, Topper was giving Rafe one of those looks that said everything but also nothing at the same time. Like prior knowledge had to be known to understand the context. I of course did not, those two always had some stupid shit planned and I can almost guarantee it had to do with messing up the pogues’ little party.

The sun hung low on the horizon after I had finished my third cup, the colors illuminating the sky so brilliantly it felt like a fantasy. I stripped off my top and headed for the water, the pinks and purples of the sky reflected in its crashing waters. It was so cold, the temperature sent shivers up my body and a familiar rush in my energy. Almost waist deep now, I submerged my body completely under the water. It was always how I remembered it, calm and refreshing.

“C’mon Rafe! Don’t be a little bitch and get in there, I see the way you look at her,” Topper spewed, pushing his friend to have a little courage.

“Man what the fuck are you even talking about?” Deny everything Rafe thought.

“Oh come on dude, you’ve been making please love me eyes at her since the sixth grade, and please fuck me eyes at her since the tenth, when are you gonna do something about it for once? You’ve got a month to make a move, or regret it your entire life,” Topper continued his monologue as Rafe tuned him out, too distracted by the girl, his girl, staring out into the Atlantic like it was calling to her.

His heart was pounding as he made a B-line for the water, a light jog, but not so fast someone would think he’s crazy, or just madly in love. He swiftly pulled his polo over and off his head before plunging into the chilly water. Topper clearly knew whatever he'd said had worked.

I heard him before I saw him, Rafe approached and submerged himself just as I had a few minutes before.

“If we get hypothermia I'm sending you my hospital bills.” He laughed, wading around in the shallow water.

“Oh shock! Rafe Cameron threatening his medical bill payments? I never could’ve guessed!” We enjoyed our few minutes of peace before talking again.

“But it’s basically impossible anyways, you get use to it after awhile, maybe it’ll calm your hot-headed ass down,” I giggled and prepared for what always came next. Rafe pickup me up around my waist, lifting me over his shoulder before attempting to sprint as fast as he could deeper into the water. His hands had been wrapped around the back of my knees for a few moments until he threw himself and I down into the deeper water, both of us completely submerged beneath the surface.

The sun was dipping below the horizon now, and the deep blue of the sky was beginning to envelop the boneyard. We had come up for air, and I began splashing him with the water around us, payback for his antics. Theres no way in hell I’d be able to throw him down into the water too, this was the best I could come up with. The two of us were laughing before Rafe grabbed my arms and twisted me around so my back was flesh against his front. I gave up on trying to fight him off. Instead I just rested against him in an attempt to catch my breath.

“Hey Rafe, can we talk about something?” Oh fuck she knows, he thought. This was gonna be it, it’s going to fuck up his entire plan.

“Yeah, uh sure, like here?” He questioned.

“Maybe not here, I think we’ve got as audience,” he knew she was referring to Topper and Kelce, they were watching from the beach.

"The truck then?" I nodded my head, not at all prepared for the favor I needed to ask of him.

The sand stuck to my feet as we headed back to where his truck was, the chilly air wrapping around my body. Rafe opened the backseat door and pulled out a towel for me, always prepared. He pulled the passenger side door and I slid into the seat, the heat of his car pumping through the interior. My heart was pounding, but I wasn’t sure if his was too. We made it about halfway to tannyhill before speaking.

“Soooo,” he said.

“You’re going to think I’m absolutely crazy, Rafe," I laughed in an attempt to hide my nervousness.

"First of all, you're already crazy, and second of all, I'm pretty sure I know exactly what you're going to say," his hands were clenching the steering wheel harder now.

""Oh really? You already knew that I was going to ask you to take my virginity?" I don't know why, but I just blurted it out.

His car came to a screeching halt on the side of the road, lunging me forward as he stared in disbelief at the road infront of him.

"Im sorry, what did you just say?"

"That I want you to take my virginity? V-card? Cherry? Damn Rafe how else am I supposed to say it?"

"And," there was a pause in his voice like he didn't believe me, "your being serious, correct?"

“Correct.”

“And, come again? I need to hear that one more time.”

“Jesus fuck Rafe, I’m being dead serious, I want you to take my virginity, what about that is so hard to explain?” It came out as more of a yell than a scream, he took a long sigh and ran his fingers through his hair. He was thinking long and hard, I knew because he always had something to say, and now he wasn’t saying anything at all. It felt like hours had past before he spoke again.

“Why?”

It was my turn for a long sigh.

“Well, I guess I’ve been thinking about it for awhile, and I want to do it, but whenever I think about it in my head the only person I can see doing it with is you. You’re the only person I trust enough with my own body, I mean shit,” I had to think for a long time before admitting what came next.

“Whenever someone, you know like Scarlet or whoever, asks about who I’m interested in or whatever it may be, not a single person ever comes to mind except you, it’s like all I see when I look at you is you, everything else is like blurred around you and whenever I think about who the love of my life will be, I always think of you, not some mystery guy that I haven’t met yet.” I didn’t plan for this to be a full confession on how I feel about him, but here I am spilling everything I’ve been holding in my heart for the last three years.

“And I know that sounds fucking stupid I know, I mean we’re still teenagers for crying out loud, but when I’m with you it always feels like I’m home.” I was nearly crying at this point, struggling to get the words out of my chest that had been waiting for so long. He was listening, deadly quiet, and I had no idea what he was thinking for once in my life.

“You know what? Just forget about it, can you take me home please?” I was definitely crying now, it felt like I’d ripped my own heart to shreds. Theres no way he could ever feel the same way about me, he protected me like I was his own blood, not like he was in love with me. My face was nestled into the sleeve of my hoodie as the tears came out. His hands had moved back to the steering wheel now, gripping onto it so tight I thought it might break. The muscles in his forearms almost looked like they were twitching, but he still had the car in park.

He wanted to just grab her and kiss her right now, the girl he'd been in love with since the sixth grade sitting in his passenger seat, her seat, confessing her feelings to him. Rafe knew it was alot for her to ask, but it meant even more to him everything that she had said after her original question. And there was no way in hell he was going to let her get away again.

Rafe reached his hand over to hold onto her tear stained cheek.

"y/n," The bother of them were breathing heavily.

"I'm in love with you," it slipped from my mouth and he leaned in to kiss me. It felt like I had a wave of electricity coursing through my body. His hand grasping onto my face as he leaned over the center console. My hand reaching for his chest, his lips on mine as we intertwined with one another. It felt like everything in my life was complete, and the tension has been released. His fingers tangled in my hair.

It was over before I realized it, and Rafe was driving me home. My breathing hadn't normalized in any way, it was like I needed to throw up my heart to get the knot out. I couldn't stop thinking about the way his had felt on me, the way his lips felt on mine, the way it felt for once in my life like I was loved.

"i'll think about it," his voice cracked.

I leapt out of his car as fast as I could with tears streaming down my face. Did he feel the same? Did he not? My brain was spinning so fast I barely made it inside my bedroom door before collapsing. I wrapped myself up in the thick comforter, a heart full of ache and a body exhauster with sleep.

✵ ✵ ✵ ✵ ✵ ✵ ✵ ✵ ✵ ✵ ✵ ✵ ✵ ✵ ✵ ✵ ✵ ✵ ✵ ✵ ✵

[wickedpact]

It's my first day of period and I'm feeling light-headed/woozy. So instead of being productive, I'm thinking of Joe-and-Nicky. Mainly, their sleeping position lol. In thimking about when/how they got to and agreement to sleep in that position ie Joe Big spoon and nicky lil spoon/knife... Is it because a)they just really like it or b)they got killed many times (>>> #times they killed each other) if they slept differently c)some other dumb reason or d) a combination of all of the above. Kthnxbye

[PUTS ON READING GLASSES] [CRACKS KNUCKLES]

listen im ALWAYS thinking about the snuggles. ALWAYS. 24/7 snuggles zone in my brain

bc like????? its spooning???? and they do it every night?? even when theyre sleeping on the train?? full body 100% contact cuddle-snuggles, all night every night??? (excluding probable nights where they dont snuggle/snuggle otherwise)

look, theyre in JEANS and joe’s got a leg between nicky’s, you cant tell me that thats actually comfortable irl, and yet there they are, full cuddles, legs tangled, while wearing jeans. theyre cuddling Experts

(which also raises the side note that like. as far as varying cuddling positions go, spooning is rather high-risk for awkward boner situations. like whats joe supposed to do in that situation. book and nile and andy are Right There its not like he can actually do anything about it. does the rectory have a bathroom. anyways.)

despite all the obvious drawbacks, This is how they sleep. This is how they choose to sleep every night of their 900 year lives. This is what they find comfiest. its just [chefs kiss]

LOOMK AT THEM

now i have so many thoughts re: How Is Started bc like...... how Did it start tho.

Thoughts:

1. i know that Ye Olde Toxic Masculinity looked a bit different in the 1000s, and i.... think i read somewhere on tunglr that it was considered ‘normal’ around the time for dudes to snuggle but dont take my word on that. so i like the idea that it started with them just. platonically snuggling In The Way That Dudefriends Just Do and it kind of snowballed from there

[♪ 2 dudes, cuddling on a sleeping mat, 0 feet apart bc theyre gay but neither of them have actually told the other and they both think their feelings are unrequited ♪]

2. alternatively ik it can get pretty damn cold in desert-y areas at night so. cuddling for warmth............................................................ ‘platonically’

3.

nicky: how come every time we go to bed we start out back-to-back and we wake up spooning? this is ridiculous

joe, who has nightmares in the middle of the night and keeps waking up scared and wanting to Hold something: haha yeah weird

4. you ever think abt how when nicky just broadcasts I Want To Be Held vibes

idk the man hugs like this

and smth abt him in this scene just broadcasts ‘wanna be held’ vibes 2 me. idk. maybe i just wanna hold him

but you know that meme/joke thats like ‘punch me in the face’ ‘you want me to punch you in the face?’ ‘thats what i said!’ ‘yeah but thats what i usually hear when you speak, its just normally subtext’  ?

That, but with ‘i want you to hold me’ instead of ‘i want you to punch me’ & with joe and nicky

5. nicky getting killed in some particularly gruesome way and afterwards joe is like 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺 and cant sleep bc hes Worried and nicky is like ‘..do you want to just sleep over here with m--’ and joe practically breaks an ankle trying to scramble over asap

6. ‘theres only one bed’ but theyre both such sweethearts they both INSIST the other take the bed, so in an attempt to out-stubborn the other, they both end up sleeping on the floor (and also somehow end up cuddling by morning)

7. joe and nicky fall asleep facing each other Once and it ends with the two of them skewered on the same bandit’s sword and unable to pull it out and after nicky is just like [breathes in] Next Time We’re Both Facing The Same Direction

8. joe and nicky being separated in the night somehow (maybe nicky woke up and wandered off and got jumped for whatever reason?) and joe being like ‘[rolls up sleeves] NOBODY CAN TAKE NICKY AWAY IF I WRAP ALL OF MY LIMBS AROUND HIM AND HOLD ON ALL NIGHT LONG’ and weirdly enough, hey it works

[dream-woke]

Something About Spiderman

[Peter Parker Imagine]

About: While watching tv with Peter, he grows frustrated with how much you like Spiderman.

Warnings: None

Note: I had a habit of writing Tom instead of Peter, so if you see any Toms anywhere in the story, instead if Peter, please let me know.

~Not my gif~

“How does one miss this much school?” You questioned, looming over the table of unorganized papers.

Peter had begged for you to come over and help him get through all the work he’s missed, and you had repeatedly told him no. If it had been any other week, there was a chance you might’ve said yes. But, you had to stay home all week just in case the plumber had finally decided to stop by like he was supposed to three days ago to fix the sink. So, Peter being Peter, had popped up at your door with a folder too big to be true and four deli sandwiches crammed into his hoodie.

“The internship wants a lot from me, like they want my attention twenty times more than any other employee.” He said, his voice muffled due to his mouth full of sandwich.

“So then why are you still an intern?” You asked, twirling your pencil in your hands. He looked at you with a blank face, but said nothing and began to rummage through the papers, ignoring your comment. You snorted at him, then reached to grab your sandwich and take a bite.

“Okay so, we should start on the easy stuff first.” You stated, wiping your mouth with a crumbled napkin next to you. Peter began searching amongst the papers, once he had found what he needed, he placed the paper between the two of you.

“Alright, so we should start with science and then move onto math and then reading.” Peter stated all of the subjects from hardest to easiest - for you of course - and had opened his science book to the page. You cocked your brow at the brunette, questioning whether or not he truly needed your help. Peter noticed your look of confusion.

“Ah, sorry. I forgot your not good at science,” he said and paused before taking a deep breath in and out. “Or math. ” Peter snickered, looking away from you and at the paper.

Clicking your tongue, you playfully punched his arm, causing him to let out an ‘ow’. “I’ll have you know Parker, that I have a B in that class thank you very much.” You contorted, swiftly taking the paper from his hands, as well as the book.

After an hour had passed, you had set your pencil down onto the table, and stretched your arms above your head. Peter had snuck a glance at the exposed skin of your stomach right before it was covered by your shirt after putting your arms back down. Clearing his throat, Peter put his pencil down.

“Maybe we should take a break, watch some tv or something.” He said, getting up from the chair and darting into the living room before you could state your opinion. Shrugging your shoulders, you got up from your seat.

Following him, you plopped yourself down onto the floor next to Peter, leaning your backs up against the sofa. Peter had turned on the tv and both of you were met with the latest news of Spiderman. Its was much of the same stuff - Spiderman swinging around the neighborhood, stopping robbers and drug deals. Even so, you were always hooked onto anything that had involved the web slinging, crime stopper.

Peter looked at the tv and then towards you. His eyes bouncing back and forth, he noticed how immerse you were by the view of him swinging around just to save a cat from tree. But the fact that you didn’t know it was him bothered him. At the same time, he couldn’t help but feel like this was the most anyones ever contradicted themselves - being jealous of himself. Using his foot, he knocked it against yours to grab your attention.

“(Y/N)?” You let out a ‘mhm’ but never broke your gaze from the tv. Peter thought about doing it again, but decided that it was enough for you to listen to him.

“Why do you like him so much?” Peter said, sounding a bit unsure of his question. But it was enough for you to break your gaze from the small screen. Looking at him and then at the ground, you shrugged your shoulders.

“I don’t know, theres just... something about him.” You answered, straightening your posture up against the couch. Peter narrowed his brows at your statement.

“Like what?”

You bit your lip as you were thinking, looking at the small owl statue that decorated the coffee table.

“I think... I don’t think it’s just the fact that he’s a hero or that he’s mysterious,” You stopped, thinking once more before continuing. “I think its the way he’s so much more normal compared to all the other heroes.”

Peter had sat up away from the sofa, getting a better look at your face. “I mean, from what I do know about him, I’m pretty sure I’d love to meet him. Someone like him, he sounds great.” You finished off, with a gentle smile.

At that Peter had felt his chest clench, in warmth and in envy. After about twenty minutes, you were ready to end your break. Stretching once more, you turned towards Peter, who was already looking at you in deep thought.

“Pete?” You said, breaking him from his contemplation.

“Yeah, uh, sure.” He said, looking flustered. You snorted and playfully punched his arm.

“We should finish the work while we have the time.” You tilted your head towards the dining room.

However, as you were getting up, Peter suddenly grabbed your hand, causing you to face him with a questioning look. Looking straight into your (E/C) eyes, Peter gave your hand a light squeeze.

“(Y/N)?” He said. He wasn’t a hundred percent sure what he was doing and right now it felt too late to pull back from whatever his body was going to do. He inhaled sharply before pushing it out. He looked at your hand in his, feeling how right it felt, how perfect your hand fit in his. Dragging his thumb over your fingers, he bit his lip, averting his gaze towards yours once again.

“Do you...” He cleared his throat, his eyes dancing across your face. You waited for him to speak, but instead was met with the feeling of the atmosphere shifting into something much different than the one before.

The look in his eyes was causing goosebumps to crawl up your arm, it was beginning to kill you inside, feeding into your lack of patience. But this lack of patience was different than the others. The way he was staring at you, biting into his lip, and the warmth of his hand - this was a different kind of impatience.

“Do you like Spiderman more than you like me?”

He was waiting for you to answer, but you couldn’t find yourself thinking straight - especially with the way he was looking at you. “I-I...” You tried to speak but the tension between the two of you was so strong, it was as if you forgot how to speak. His eyes flickered from your eyes to your lips.

Feeling as if there was a magnetic force, pulling the two of you together, you both had began to lean in. First it was his nose brushing against yours. And then it was his lips brushing against yours as he tilted his head to the side. Your breathing fell of beat, hitching as his hand let go of yours, and placing itself onto the side of your cheek.

And with six unreasonably loud knocks, you both quickly seperated, breathing heavily and out of pace.

“Yo, I’m here ta’ fix ya’ sink! Open da’ door!”

You groaned at the unfortunate timing of the plumber. Like of all the times he had to come, it just had to be now. Looking once more at Peter, you questioned whether or not you really needed your sink fixed. However, the pounding against the door had knocked you out of that thought. Groaning once again, you got up to answer the door.

“Finally, what are you people deaf or somethin’, don’t know how to answer a door on time?” He sassed, scoffing as he pushed past you with the tools in his hand. You rolled your eyes at his ‘on time’ statement.

Peter cleared his throat. When you glanced back, he had his phone lifted up. “Aunt May needs me, apparently theres someone who needs to see me.” He said with an apologetic smile. Giving him a small smile you nodded.

Right before he walked out of the door, he stopped in front of you. “To be continued?” He asked.

You smirked. “To be continued.”

[insomnihan]

han’s Entire Thoughts and Feelings on Dreamcatcher’s “Deja Vu”

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

MY TIME HAS COME 2.0!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! FULL INSOMNIA MODE DONT. LOOK. AT. ME.

there are no read mores here so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

ALRIGHT SO-

THE SONG OKAY LETS JUMP RIGHT INTO IT i wasnt expecting something lowkey sad BUT im not mad at it!!!!!!!!!! i had conflicting emotions when i desperately wanted to cry but also headbang?????? HOWEVER thanks to force and air the tears in my eyes were drying as i headbanged- LIKE this song really PUT ME THROUGH IT like that chorus didnt have tO DO ME LIKE THAT™!!!!!!!!!!!!! BUT THEN THE VERSES AND THE PRE-CHORUSES WERE SLOW (and the bridge but bridges be like that in nearly all songs) WHICH IM ACTUALLY REALLY INTO it was like being in a roller coaster with the verses being the slow hill and the chorus was the fall THAT PIANO GOES HARD...................... but like in a soft way????? DONT ASK ME WHAT IM SAYING IS IM A HOE™ FOR PIANO THOSE DRUMS DURING THE CHORUS STOP IT I CANNOT I FELT THEM VIBRATE THROUGH MY BONES

like i DEADASS have nothing to criticize or change about this song its PERFECTLY FINE AS IT IS (except for like more gahyeon and dami????? pls??????)

siyeon starting the song.......................... thank you.............. I STILL STAND BY SAYING I WOULD LISTEN TO HER VOICE FOR LITERALLY FOREVER HER VOICE DURING THE CHORUS QUEEN OF SINGING CHORUSES OH BUT THEN THAT HIGH NOTE ARE YOU KIDDING ME??????? SHE DIDNT HAVE TO KILL ME LIKE THIS BUT THANK YOU SO MUCH I- and now....... im in the deja vu P L E A S E

gaaaaaaaahhhyeeeeeooonnnn her voice is so pretty!!!!!!!!!!! BUT I WANT MORE!!!!!!!!!! HOWEVER youre the second one to sing with this beautiful gentleness of a part and to be honest this part paired with siyeon starting it really eases you into the song and its quite the blessing to hear thanks- and then yknow this part right after handong........................... Heaven™

SPEAKING OF HANDONG LISTEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THE AMOUNT OF LINES SHE HAS MAKES ME WANNA CRY OKAY THIS PART RIGHT HERE............................. PLS.............. (i think its just me but theres a smaller voice singing like right under her voice????) HER PRE-CHORUS PARTS ARE LITERALLY THE BEST PARTS IN THE WHOLE SONG TO LISTEN TO pls believe me when i say this its NOT bc shes my ultimate bias like i genuinely like her parts the most

sua pls i was already prepared for softer vocals and you really gave that to me and then this is absolute perfection they were beautiful and amazing OF COURSE got me feeling like i was floating on actually clouds god TAHNK YOU AND THEN YOU JUST HAD TO HIT ME WITH YOUR PART RIGHT HERE???? i understand its just the chorus but I Felt That™ okay!!!!!!

JIU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i stand by saying how your voice be powerful as hell still even during these lines VERY short but VERY effective and very good leading into the chorus i love- and then your bridge....................... B I C T H really put me in my feelings but i welcome it with EVERY FIBER OF MY BEING and with open arms.......................

YOOHYEON AKA THE OTHER QUEEN OF SINGING CHORUSES I MEAN..................................... I LITERALLY DUNNO WHAT TO SAY!!!!!!!!!!! LIKE THEIR BEAUTIFUL SOUNDING HER VOICE GOES WELL WITH THEM like i really like the parts she sings after siyeon like................. Y O O F if a feather became a voice-

i need more dami too..................... P L E A S E like obviously with their other songs i was expecting dami to be in the second verse and with a smooth rap section and the former was correct HOWEVER to my pleasant surprise SHE SANG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! her singing voice suited this SO MUCH and im actually glad there wasnt a rap part at all in this song especially that SECOND PART.................. Heaven™ 2x

my favorite lyrics (x): i know i said handongs were my favorite to listen to but i like these lines dont hurt me

난 이 숨결이 허락되는 날까지 As long as I can breathe ��신 너를 놓을 수 없어 I can’t let go of you again 우린 모든 순간 함께 할 테니 We’ll be together for every moment 내 곁에서 beside me

THE DANCE OKAY IM GONNA DO SOMETHING DIFFERENT ill be referring to THIS PERFORMANCE can we pls talk about how loud the fanchant is im crying and really take it in and all of their talented glory ANYWAY OF COURSE the choreography F UKCING SLAPS just so many different position changes and just alwaYS SO IN SYNC WITH EACH OTHER ITS INSANE ill just list them briefly and keep the points short this is long enough:

THE BEGINNING AND THE END BEING THE SAME...................... CERTAINLY DEJA VU-

SIYEONS TUTTING THING THANKS

handongs majestic spin

this and this with how the formation changes and how their arms swing AND the kick

ALSO in those parts in the last bullet i dunno why but i like that move jiu does when she sings IT HITS

i recall sua spoiling literally the first move of the chorus dance in that vlive THE CHORUS DANCE ALL THOSE FORMATION CHANGES LITERALLY MESS ME UP and THIS most important move in the entire choreography and they line up and its SO COOL to look at

when they lie on each other doing yoohyeons lines

handongs part again when theyre in the line and how satisfying it is to watch

THE ENTIRE BRIDGE

LITERALLY THE ENTIRE DANCE FROM START TO FINISH

QUEENS OF STABILITY

sidenote: can we talk about how handong and dami?????? literally spin during their parts????? and they sounded super clear??????

THE VISUALS SO.......................... if you had asked me two days ago (maybe a little bit of yesterday) about how i felt about this video.................. i wouldve mentioned some unpopular opinions regarding the videos look............ i mentioned to gwen @loonapunk that i wasnt TOO into it............ BUT- after finally sitting down to do this long ass post i dont hate it!!!!!!!!!!!! i think bc i have to remind myself that this song (album???? well song-) is for that kings raid game and all the visuals AND story are based off that????? i dunno BUT WHAT I DO KNOW IS I LIKE TO WATCH IT

IM TOO BIG STUPID™ TO COMPREHEND THIS STORYLINE AND COME UP WITH MY OWN THEORIES EVEN NOW AND I WOULD L O V E TO EXPLAIN IT TO YOU BUT THIS IS LONG ENOUGH AS IT IS SO ILL REDIRECT YOU TO THEORY POSTS (TWO (2) FROM MY GALAXY BRAIN MOOTS) THAT I LIKED:

@highsomnia NITAS POST WHICH I PERSONALLY FOUND ENJOYABLE TO READ SO IF YOU COULD READ THIS YOU SHOULD ALSO READ THAT

@in-somnias ELENAS POST WHICH WAS ALSO AN INTERESTING READ RIGHT HERE

AND THEN THIS ONE THAT WAS ORIGINALLY FROM TWITTER i dont follow her so im not gonna @

AIIGHT IMMA GO CRAZY WITH THESE SHOTS (with only small one/two sentence captions this is LONG ENOUGH):

BICTH I SAW THIS AND KNEW I WAS GONNA GET GOT™ like its just super duper INCREDIBLY PRETTY TO LOOK AT

THIS WILL BE FOREVER ICONIC™ DONT ARGUE WITH ME

this is what the calm before the storm looks like

went back to the mv film making video and turns out they got slippers on under that table love that for them

how in the hell am i supposed to interpret this exchange

okay longer section i think im supposed to interpret this more as a sister bond than a romantic one?????? i remember being taken aback and believed this to be something gay BUT 99.9% OF INSOMNIAS say its gay subtext so ill just put it like that i dunno but like i just wanna say they have beautiful smiles and im love them!!!

a youtuber reacting to this mv saying it just looks like theyre shading each other.................... anyway-

i CANNOT i repeat I CANNOT EXPRESS TO YOU how Shook™ i was when i saw this for the first time i basically jumped out of my chair i couldnt i-

this mv really led me to believe jiu was the evil one.............................

POETIC. CINEMA.

THE WOMAN. THE MYTH. THE LEGEND. THE FIREBENDER. THE WOLF. LEE SIYEON. pls light me up

Symbolism™................ SYMBOLISM I CANNOT COMPREHEND GO TO THE THEORIES

MORE SYMBOLISM GO TO THE THEORIES

T H E M

NOT ONLY IS THIS VIDEO SUPER AESTHETIC™ BUT THE SEVEN (7) MOST BEAUTIFUL WOMEN IN THE WORLD BLESSING US ONCE AGAIN WITH THEIR PRESENCE AND ALLOWED THEIR ROYALTY VIBES SHOOT INTO THE MESOSPHERE INTO REAL LIFE KILLING ALL OF US

THE DANCING SCENES WITH THE TEASER OUTFITS...................................... AT EASE.....................

LITERALLY NO COMPLAINTS MOVING ON:

JIU

L I S T E N KIM MINJI YOURE A FULL PRINCESS this pink fluffy dress with the flower crown in this picture............................ i may have cried- like a lot of people were trying this look to persephone and im HERE for that concept for her and like the white outfit AND black outfit is probably super symbolic again im too Big Stupid™ anyway when i saw that black outfit in the teaser........................... i was attacked jiu with a sword is just EVERYTHING i wanted and more

SUA

LITERALLY I CANNOT- her hair being wavy looks SO GOOD on her THIS BLACK DRESS WITH THE FLOWERS she is always a Serve™ WE KNOW THAT but her visuals just HIT DIFFERENT this time lighter colored hair really suits her and then of course she looks FAN-FREAKING-TASTIC in the dance scenes in the white and the black that low pony tail pls

SIYEON

purple on this woman just shoulders and collarbones out being Beautiful™ ALL THE WHILE staying ON BRAND with herself and was wearing pants good for her G O D i just love the way her hair looks in the white and gold outfits like it just LOOKS PRETTY to me i dunno how to describe it also her with a pony tail WHAT ARE YOU SO PRETTY FOR-

HANDONG

i just................... want closer shots of this.................. CLOSER SHOTS IN GENERAL OF HER ACTUALLY like LOOK HOW BEAUTIFUL™ SHE LOOKS HERE I WANNA SEE MORE OF IT??????? PLS??????? nothing gets me weaker than her hair being styled exactly like in the picture i just love that her royalty and regal vibes and looks were FINALLY realized and WAS BROUGHT TO THE FOREFRONT

YOOHYEON

THIS MV MUST CONVINCE ME SHE IS EVIL BY SHOWING HER FOREHEAD first of all the first outfit turning her into an Actual Entire Princess™/Queen™ that red one i dont really understand SHE MAKES IT WORK THO THEN THAT BLACK OUTFIT LISTEN yo it was like getting hit by a whole truck full speed i wasnt ready and i just wanna admire that yoohyeon and gray colored hair is an actual match made in heaven i just have to say-

DAMI

i love this suit and the patten on it so much this outfits color (what is that teal????) and her hair color is such a GOOD PAIRING and on her SHE JUST KILLED ME WITH HER SOLO SCENES i wish i had more to say about her and her outfits but what else can i say other than that she is INSANELY ATTRACTIVE AND I WANT HER TO STEP ON ME???????

GAHYEON

she really broke my neck when i saw her the first time LIKE DEADASS LOOK AT THIS PICTURE i had fallen for her and i cannot get up when i saw this outfit in the other shots like the black top and the see through sleeves but her skirt is like different colors she really Served™ in this outfit bangs usually look cute but in her solo parts she was coming for my heart like miss lee gahyeon pls-

BONUS TIME: B-SIDE TRACKS (just short thoughts and point out specific parts i liked lmao)

Intro:

their intros always slap are you kidding me-

The curse of the Spider

i wasnt ready for this bop to slap me in the face on my spotify that chorus didnt have to do that to me THAT GUITAR DIDNT HAVE TO DO THAT TO ME i love the way dami and handong sound in this song i mean wrow-

favorite lyrics (x):

소름이 끼칠 만큼 It’s chilling 도망치고 싶어질 it makes me want to run away 그런 두려움일 테니 such is this fear

Silent Night

B I H C T i knew when i heard this in the highlight it was going to be my favorite one IT REALLY WOKE SOMETHING IN ME these lyrics i cant- gahyeon and handong hurted me with their lower registers Y AL L YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE HURTED ME THAT D R O P DID

favorite lyrics (x):

겨눈 칼 끝은 a blade directed at someone 결국 돌아오게 돼 eventually returns 더 다가오지 마 don’t come closer

Polaris

this song is as if i was wrapped in the thickest blanket i got and im resting on the softest bed in the world with a fireplace going nearby and i could finally rest peacefully bc the lord knows i need it- i really cried a little bit listening to this pls leave me be i legit cant pick a specific member i liked the most for this song i just love it and everything it got

favorite lyrics (x):

그게 너라서 행복해 I’m happy that it’s you 그 많은 인연 속에 Among those numerous connections 수많은 사람 중에 Among those numerous people

LIKE im so completely satisfied with every song on this album and im completely in love with it!!!!!!!!!! the only ‘issue’ i really had was with the mv visually but as you read i warmed up to it lmao LIKE IM JUST SO PROUD OF THESE WOMEN AND HOW TALENTED AND HARDWORKING THEY ARE like i have to say the japanese release?????? and this????? being so close to each other????? you telling me they learned TWO (2) different choreographies one after the other???? i absolutely love this album and i desperately desperately DESPERATELY want so much more success for them bc ITS WHAT THEY DESERVE!!!!!!!!!!!!! this is supposed to be just about the overall mv and deja vu but i might as well just type what i feel lmao

IN CONCLUSION: MY INSOMNIA ASS IS BOTH ALIVE AND DEAD BUT MOSTLY ALIVE I LOVE THIS IM STREAMING

i have to bring this back its relevant again:

[lobster-peach]

The Girls Bathroom

•••

Part 1

Part 2 -

This is a short story I wrote for my 10th grade creative writing class and I thought I'd share:)

*trigger warnings*

Eating disorders

Mental disorders

Drug/alcohol use

Violence

Child predator/abuse mention

Implied suicide

Another night without sleep. It’s growing less uncommon now. I’ve taken so many things to help me sleep, you’d be surprised that something hasn’t worked by now.

My window is open. I’ve always  liked it that way. It lets the night time air into my room, and it fills my lungs with the sweetest scent, that if it were bottled, I would keep it on me at all times. I’d be the girl people would ask what perfume I was wearing. I’d be the one they complimented. I’d be the one they talked to, in an admiring way. 

The smell reminds me of my childhood home. It reminds me of the smell of a thick and damp forest. It reminds me of the silent happy times. I let the night breeze create ripples in my curtains. 

And It’s peaceful. 

It’s peaceful to watch a force of nature calmly move something as simple as a sheer white window curtain to the beat of its own rhythm. To make it move like it’s dancing in water. 

I’m writing all my thoughts down again, like  I do every time my mind won’t sleep. I’ve noticed that everything feels so surreal at these times. Everything is quiet, the moon is the only light source in sight, the wind making the only other movement besides myself, and the world is still. I lay on my back and stare up at the ceiling, just stare and think about the world, and about life. Stress comes and goes at these times but it usually doesn’t stay that long.

 I think about my family, about myself, about strangers. I wonder if strangers do this too? Do they wear themselves out in the adventure we call curiosity?

I keep asking questions until I finally fall asleep to the sun peaking over the mountains. 

...

I haven’t been to school in weeks. I haven’t actually left my room in weeks either, if you’re not counting the trips to the bathroom. I feel like I've just been a whirlpool of emotions. One second I feel fine, and the next I feel like I’m in someone else’s body, wanting to scream. But today- today is the day I’m changing that. 

I get up, take a shower, and apply the minimum amount of makeup I actually have.

No one is awake in the house, so I slip out without a sound. 

If I’m honest, I don’t know why I thought it was a good idea to go to school now, because the second I stepped through the glass doors, I was bombarded with shouts, shoves, and the smell of axe body spray. But right as I was about to turn around, get back into my car, and drive far, far away from this hell-hole, the vice principal noticed me. I saw the shock, and excitement light up in her eyes.

She made a b-line for me.

There was no escape. 

  ...

After an hour or so of sitting and listening to her gush about how much the school had missed me, and that if I "Ever needed anything to come talk to her, or any of the school faculty", I was able to leave her office. If I knew that I would get this bombarded with unwanted attention, I would have never left my house in the first place.

I would just dwell in the thought that I would have to make a living becoming a fast food worker, or selling my body to Sin City herself.

But that would still be better than this. 

...

The brick walls of the school seemed to piss me off even more than they used to now. They seemed to mock me, to make me feel like even more of a failure, with their posters of encouragement and activities. I headed into the girls bathroom to take a breather. Everything starting to kick in. I dashed into a stall and let my empty stomach empty itself even more. Nothing had actually happened to trigger any sort of panic, and I hated myself for it even more. I hated the fact that I couldn't be around people with no filters. I hated that I couldn't sit still in class. I hated that I couldn't just be normal. And now I'm just sitting on the floor trying not to think. But then I hear a knock, and a voice, gently, and quietly asking if I'm alright. My eyes widen. I don't know why I didn't think I would be the only one in a public highschool's girl's bathroom. Theres a part of me that hopes if I stay silent then whoever it was on the other side of the door would go away. But the voice comes back a second time. Still quiet, still gentle, but more urgent. Sounding like they were actually worried. Coming to the conclusion that I can't hide, I stand up and open the door to see one of the school's cheerleaders, Vanny. Her real name was Savannah, but everyone only ever called her Vanny. She looked as surprised as I was when she saw who was standing in front of her. 

    “I’m sorry I didn’t mean to bother you. I just heard.. gagging, and I wanted to make sure that  whoever it was, was alri-”

I quickly cut her off.

    “It’s okay! Really!” 

Wow, I sound flustered. 

    “I just needed to let some things…uh… out.”

She let out a small breathy laugh at that. 

    “Yeah, I can tell.” she said

I can just feel the temperature in my cheeks raise at record breaking speed. My internal panic growing with it.

    “I- uh- sorry…”

God, I'm a mess.

She lets out another laugh at that, but this time something that looked somewhat like sympathy showed in her eyes.

    “Don’t be sorry. Really. I get it. It happens to me too.”

I gape at her a little.

But not so much that she would notice. Or at least I hope I so.

What on earth is happening.

But before I can even finish that thought, she's speaking again.

    “I haven’t seen you around all year.  I didn’t think about it that much till now. Do you wanna talk about it?”

She didn't wait for an answer and made her way into the handicap stall and sat against the wall. She just gestures for me to do the same. Part of me wonders if this was some kind of joke. If she had people outside the girls bathroom just waiting to torment me. But against my better judgement, I sit. I can't figure out how I am supposed to act, sit, or even breath. Is there even a right way to handle this?

She begins talking about her history with depression and anxiety. And normally when I hear someone say they have it, it’s not actually the “real deal” if you will. It’s just someone who thinks that it’s the end of the world when something unexpected and bad pops up in their life.

And I know it sounds terrible to judge a person like that, but it's just how things tend to be around here.

But she, she wasn’t like that. 

She tells me everything. How she can’t sleep at night, so she goes on drives. And how she finds that puking her guts out, nasty and as toxic as it seems, feels a little like a release. She tells me about her “friends” and how much she wishes that she could talk to them about everything that’s going on. She just tells me everything. Every feeling she gets. Every reason a tear sometimes slips from her brown eyes.

Everything.

I didn’t know that a person could feel the same way I did. I didn’t know that I could understand a stranger more than myself in just 30 minutes. 

These talks become a regular thing for us. After our second period classes, while the rest of the school left for lunch, we would go into the girls bathroom on the second floor. Into the handicap stall on the far right. And we would talk about everything.

    Vanny was kind. She held the door for me when we were together, she spoke to me like a real person rather than a joke, and she felt like home. There were days however, where she didn’t talk to me. She would send me apologetic glances from across the room so I tried not to think too much about it. I understood. She had a reputation to uphold. And I wasn’t apart of that. If I was, everyone would think of it as a joke. That she was just getting close to me to make fun of me. That was the part I worried about. 

I just wanted to mean something more to her than that. 

I just wanted a friend.

    Everyday that I spent with Vanny lead me into a deeper spiral of what I would call bliss. It was almost like, any trouble I had, any insecurity I had, she could instantly wash away with one look. 

...

I was stopped at an intersection driving home from school, when I noticed the people in the car in beside me were fighting. I didn’t want to invade their privacy, but then I noticed who was sat in the passenger seat. Vanny. The guy, was much older. Dark grey hair, and stubble across his chin. He had his hand on her thigh. I couldn’t see what his expression was clearly, but I had a pretty solid guess. Vanny looked very uncomfortable, she slapped his hand away and said something with her brows furrowed. The guy just laughed and put his hand back. She tried to push it away again but the guy wouldn’t budge. 

I decided to try calling her to make sure she was alright but the phone went straight to voicemail. I started to panic. I didn’t know what to do. I started to roll down the window and shout but the light finally changed to green and the car sped off. I wanted to change lanes and potentially follow them, but I couldn’t with all of the traffic of eager teeangers wanting to go home after a long day. I tried to try calling a few more times, but failed to get any sort of answer. 

My phone was hot from being pressed to my cheek for so long. I got home and the house was empty once again. This time though, my heart sank. I didn’t know who to ask about what I should do.

Me, in my panicked state decided to call the police.

I started blurting out everything that happened but it didn’t help. Without the guys name, plate number, or address, there was nothing they could do besides go to Vanny’s house and see if she was there and OK. 

    I couldn't sleep. My mind was racing with all of the possible things that could be happening right then to my Vanny.

No.

Not my Vanny.

Just Vanny.

I got a call from the police station just hours later. They told me she was safe at home and that I had no reason to worry.

Everything was fine.

...

    I still however rushed to school the next morning, calling and texting her trying to get some sort of insight to if she was really alright. I kept tapping my foot all through my first two periods. My mind couldn’t seem to focus on anything other than the thought of Vanny.

She needed to be okay.

What felt like years of waiting for that wretched bell to signal my release from this prison of unmatched bricks and books, it rang.

I all but ran to the second floor bathroom. And let me tell you, I have never been so happy to hear someone crying. I knocked on the door precisely six times to let her know it was me. I heard her shuffle and stand up. When the door unlocked I rushed in to hug her.

Her face was tear stained, but her eyes were empty.

We sat down and I held her.

Everything just felt... wrong.

I didn't know how to ask her what happened.

I didn't know if I even should.

She felt so fragile in my arms, that I was scared I would break her by saying anything else.

We sat in the bathroom in silence for the rest of the day.

I just let her cry.

At the end of the day I offered to take her home but she fervently said no.

I took her to my house instead, only so I could make sure she was safe.

...

The car ride home was quiet. I was waiting for the right time to ask her about what had happened but I still just didn't know how.

She had stopped crying hours ago but she kept the same empty look in her eyes.

I watched her out of the corner of my eye, just staring at the passing houses.

Her brown hair falling over her shoulders like silk.

I finally spoke up.

"Savannah, what happened?"

She jumped at the sudden sound of my voice.

I couldn't tell if she was going to answer or start crying again.

She was so unreadable.

But her dry lips parted, and her voice rasped out.

"My..."

She breathed out, sounding so wounded.

I had pulled the car into an empty grocery store parking lot and faced her.

"My stepfather... tried t-to...."

She couldn't finish. Her eyes welled up again with tear and she broke.

Her face buried in her hands.

I didn't know what to say.

So many thoughts were racing through my head.

I couldn't speak.

I just stared at her completely horrified.

I opened my mouth to speak but nothing came out.

She lifted her face and looked me in the eyes.

"Please don't tell anyone."

"Vanny we have to call the cops we-"

"No!" She yelled, I had never heard her yell.

"Promise me you won't tell anyone. Not your family, not any teachers, not the police."

She was urgently begging me.

"Vanny I can't just let this be. This is serious. He needs to be put in prison for this-"

"Please." She said once more.

"Please."

I looked at her.

Red, wide, eyes staring deep into my soul.

"I-I can't..."

...

I called the police once we got to my house explaining everything.

They got a warrant to search Vanny's stepdad's things and found digital folders of child pornography. They didn't have enough to charge him with the assault, but the files were enough to put him away.

When it happened, Vanny didn't speak to me for weeks.

She was convinced I had betrayed her.

But she eventually came back.

[hyperdrivehearts]

Is the number ask thing still something you do? If so, 2, 15 and 18 please ^-^

QUESTIONS FOR THE MUN, REGARDING THE MUSE

(Always accepting these anon!! Seeing people ask me things (especially strangers on anon– it makes me happy that people are interested in my muses!!))

2. What made you decide to write this muse? 

Kalin and Yusei have always been my favorite 5ds characters, ever since it originally aired in Canada! There’s this channel called YTV (youth television) that had a Saturday morning bit called Crunch where you’d get your regular Saturday morning cartoons, and in the early afternoon some anime would air! It was always in this order: Beyblade Metal Fight, Yu-Gi-Oh 5Ds, Pokemon Diamond & Pearl.) My parents were and are seperated, so I was only able to catch episodes every second week (I relied heavily on the previous episode recaps but it would mess me up when things would have repeats) had a very hard time remembering the name of 5Ds for some reason, and was never able to catch up online of missed episodes like I did for beyblade.

Because I never could catch up on what i missed, I didn’t get back into YGO as a whole until 2012, where I originally wrote Yusei on wattpad in my original Dark Signer AU. (He had a really cool old lady seer for a friend (who was supposed to be Carly’s grandma(??)) and I had a self insert OC who was Crow’s sister and was supposed to be Yuseis love interest (how how far I’ve come.) ANYWAYS what I’m getting at here, is that Yusei has been a muse of mine since like 2012.

I rewatched 5D’s in about…..2016?? Maybe later????And then again not long after I met Kasa ( @soulburnings ) on her Manjoume blog, and then Kasa made her Yu boys blog, and THEN HER CURRENT BLOG FOR TAKERU and it’s Kasa’s fault entirely for getting me back into YGO. Since Kalin and Yusei were my faves back then (What can I say?  I love batshit murderers and cool bro characters– I have terrible tast,) it only felt natural to gravitate back towards them.

TLDR: Blame Kasa. Ily Kasa.

15. Would you like your muse as a person if you met them in real life?

Yusei could get along with a fucking LAMP POST honestly. He’s friendly, understanding, a bro, and he’s very patient with people and always sees the best in them. I feel like he’d be a person you could spill tea to, and he’d never tell a soul.

Kalin on the other hand…. not so much. Enforcer!Kalin would have definitely been someone I could get along with, while Dark Signer!Kalin would, y’know, try to kill me as one does. My Present!Kalin and hell, even canon Present!Kalin, are not a) approachable, b) are very open c) they both have the habit of shoving people away. And like, I also self project onto Kalin A LOT, and something that not a lot of people seem to realize that if you met someone so similarly like you, ESPECIALLY in the negative aspects, you probably wouldn’t get along that well and butt heads.

18. What aspect of your muse’s personality is most important to you? What aspect of your muse’s personality do you think is most important to them? Is it the same? Why or why not? 

Unpopular opinion: the fandom likes to make Yusei seem like an “uwu good cinnamon roll boi who can do no harm uwuwu” so for me, personally, it’s very important to acknowledge that he has one hell of a petty attitude and temper. It’s established right from episode 1, where he revs his engine because his friends didnt realize he was back home in the subway– he doesn’t say anything (and the reaction of Tank, Nervin, Blitz and Rally implies that this is a regular occurrence with him.) Yusei has shown on multiple occassions that he isnt afraid to throw his disk down and knock sense into someone with his fists. He built another, and better duel runner, to go after Jack solely for his Stardust Dragon card– it wasn’t even a revenge plot, he just wanted what was rightfully his.

(Not to mention, he has one hell of a resting bitch face. He’s scowling so much, I don’t think he even realizes it.)

Despite all of this, from destroying duel disks and decks as an Enforcer, to he and Jack punching each other in the face, I think it’s equally important to know that even when Yusei is being a bit of a prick, he doesn’t hold onto negativity and resent– he essentially doesn’t hold any grudges. (However, he does hold onto grief and sadness, so much so that Luna picks it out while communicating with his duel spirits in the dub.) After he got Stardust back, while he was still rightfully peeved at Jack for his actions, Yusei forgave him and moved on.

Despite all of Yusei’s good qualities, and being an excellent friend, Yusei does have negativity inside of him and that part shouldn’t be ignored. People are not black and white.

As for what he values about himself: nothing. Yusei doesn’t really have an ego. He knows he’s good at dueling, he knows he’s good with technology and mechanics, but hes humble about both things. He doesn’t value one over the other. He loves his friends, and protecting them is second nature to him, but he believes that everyone needs to value the people they’re close to, so it’s not really a part of his personality that he finds the most important.

Honestly, if theres anything that he’d think that’s the most important to him, it’s his pride. I know that sounds selfish, especially when it’s in Yusei’s case, but when Kalin crushed his pride, it shook him to the core where Yusei felt as if he didn’t trust himself dueling. For him, I don’t think its a matter of honour as much as it is a matter of justice. He takes pride in his friends and family, he takes pride in being a Satellite, he takes pride in fighting for the right thing: it’s less about himself than it is about other people.

For Kalin, I’m going to solely focus on my portrayal bc fuck canon, but anyways, it’s his determination to keep fighting, to keep living and knowing that people can change. He probably valuse that part of himself too, but he’d never admit it.  Kalin has literately gone through hell and back, and has come out entirely traumatized, but he doesn’t let that trauma win.

(suicide mentions below.)

Kalin’s suffering from PTSD and depression, and he is suicidal, yet he never truly gives up (until he’s sent to the mines in Crash Town, really.) When he first arrived at Crash Town to die, he could have lost his duel on purpose, but he never did until Yusei showed up. I think a part of it is pride, not wanting to go down without a fight, but I don’t believe Kalin was only fighting other duelists– he was fighting himself and his right to live. He already offed himself in the Facility.

As someone who tried to commit suicide twice, it’s important that Kalin keeps on fighting through it. There’s going to be bad days, days where you can’t leave your bed, days where you let out a nice cry in a hot shower. Keeping yourself going, for any reason, is very important because things do get better. (Im not great, but im better, and so is Kalin.) If that reason is as small as needing to feed your cat, its a good reason to keep going. For Kalin, he wanted to see Yusei once more and then he’d be satisfied.

Kalin’s not perfect, he is an ass and he knows that, but he does want to be better so other things can get better for him and rebound off of each other. (I was a prick too when I was in that mental state.) Things get better, but you also need to take charge and make it better yourself and Kalin knows he can force light into the darkness he was wallowing in for nearly 4 years.

It’s not a personality point, but I’m sure Kalin is just happy to be alive.

[roxannepolice]

Long asks anon again, here to offer my opinion on the current wank. Rey as a character is rather blatantly breaking sw story rules and nothing is going to get SFF fans hackles up like rule breakage. This is root of both the MarySue accusations and current wank. Rey has a tragic backstory thats doubling as the only failure she can call her own. But its a) damn near entirely offscreen and b) serves as convenient justification for why shes competent at near everything that comes up.

Reys instantly good at the force because of a convenient force download that to the best of my knowledge only occured in the noncanon KOTOR II and quite frankly cant blame most of the general audience for not getting because without prior knowledge or the novelizations why would they? She has darkness in her but as so far used and touched it consequence free and its almost entirely symbolically externalized on the Kylo (and in SW symbolism is Real in a way it isnt in other narratives) Shes strong in the force because Light rises to meet Dark but to quote the current crop of movies ‘thats not how the force works) or at least thats never how it worked before. Shes the first SW protagonist to go behind enemy lines and come out with both hands in the second movie. For ppl wondering how come Luke and Ani never get labeled MarySues, this is why, they got thier asses handed to them, Rey hasnt. There /is/ something /off/ in Reys story, and ppl pick up on it. if you can make a post (w/ over 1k notes!) about how great it is that a character meant to prop up 7hrs worth of movies has little to no character development to go through, somethings off. If multiple ppl can make posts about how its neat Rey can tap into the darkside (still characterized as evil in ST) consequence free (with some quite frankly stupid justifications, 'shes disciplined’ really? jedi lacked a lot of things thats not one of them) somethings off and again, if the only failure your main heroine has is /entirely retroactive something’s off/. If the story were getting with the is the story most ppl think we are, a 'female empowerment’ (i dont feel particularly empowered by being told I have an equal chance at being a deus ex machina but ok) than well, her story is over and theres no need for IX (hell it could have been over in TFA, most ppl assumed she had accepted her place as the future jedi in that one) and no need for reylo The ST was always gonna deconstruct all that came before it purely by virtue of being a sequel. The tragedy of anakin skywalker is now a farce, the happy ot ending now a tragedy, and the mythopoetic structure shot to shit in the name of serialization and perpetual warfare. this stand true for all the sequel characters including rey and ben. the only question is are we going to get anything out of it? I compare it to home renovation. You can knock out a wall and the walls gone, but new opportunities arise. With Benlo, I’m reasonably confident that there will be at least some attempt to take advantage of the new space. With rey and the resistance kids? not so much. it just feels like they knocked down a blue wall to rebuild it as pink one and at the point it just feels like a waste of time because ive seen this before. Ive seen pure cinnamon roll desert orphan reform jedi order If this was all youre going to do that the fuck was the point? which circles around to my problem with team good guy this go around and That Scene. JJ twisted the story into a pretzel to justify the winners of the last round being the underdogs again and then rian twisted so much further the storys head may as well be up its own ass. And then at the very end he shoots it all to shit and rushes to reassure us its all gonna be okay. He removes the entire point of the underdog trope /the tension that comes from the fact that they might lose/. I mean there wasnt a whole lot of that to begin with already but really? So theres no tension that Reys gonna win so her journey feels frictionless, and theres no question where shes gonna end up so full offense why give a shit? Thats where the whole 'can rey lose a fight?’ thing comes from. Ppl want conflict in her arc to justify its existence and give us a reason why this her story to begin with. if the only character going through growth for all three movies is ben, if the only characters whos fate is up in the air is ben, and if all the tension in the reylo relationship comes from ben, then why is this /reys story/? why not just make it about the character actually driving all the drama and thus, the story?   As a final thought, im going to add that having Kylo be aware and insecure that hes never gonna be as Iconic as Vader was a great story choice, regardless of where ends up. Current Rebels, on the other hand, seems to have not gotten the memo that they are never gonna be as iconic as Original Rebels, and the story itself seems to being trying to sell them to me as being better. Rey is Luke but better, Poe/Finn are Han wo the smuggler grit, and id be lying if i said it didnt piss me off.

&

Long asks anon to kick down ur door again, AND ANOTHER THING. SW is a lotta things. Subtle aint one of them, and St hasnt changed in that regard. If you have to debate it chances are either a) ur arguing counter to the text in which case mor power to you but not really helpful for predictions or intended meaning or b) /it aint there. A bunch of ppl didnt like anidala, but nobody doubted we were supposed to think they were in love by the end of AOTC, bunch of ppl didnt like poes arc, but no one doubts he fucked up by not listening to holdo was the intended take away. Which brings to rey and flaws or lack there of. Were told rey has flaws but she has yet to suffer any real consequences from them with the exception of The Damn Parentage Wank, which again, pulls the double duty of making her hyper competent at everything. Because rey has no consequences for her flaws, from a story function pov there aren’t any. If rey did have a flaw to overcome, we would all agree what it was

Now won’t you all just look at this beautiful, spot on rant which has been lagging in my askbox since the last time Rey’s flaws or lack thereof were the discourse’s focus (November, I believe?) and suddenly became a thing again, courtesy of Tweetgate. I think you really summed up the crux of this debate wonderfully, anon.

I particularly agree with the part about Rey not getting narratively punished for whatever flaws we’d like her to have (great point about returning from behind the enemy lines with both arms still in place), when SW don’t stay away from allowing characters to get “punished” even for otherwise applaudable features - vide Padmé, whose idealism is what Palps manipulates into gaining more power (this is why Padmé will never come off as a Mary Sue or too perfect, btw). But I’ll say even more - Rey doesn’t even get called out on her flaws, except for by Ben, who’s mostly dismissed as a baddie like Palpatine saying Luke was foolish to rely on his friends. Let’s just consider one thing - both Anakin and Luke get called out on their flaws by Yoda (Anakin repeatedly and by lots of other people for that matter) whereas with Rey, the same grumpy-yet-jolly senex pops up from the afterlife to further inform us what a great jedi material she is.

TBH, I have a very cynical theory as to why Rey is being pushed as the main character while it’s difficult to deny that it’s Kylo Ben who does all the plot heavy lifting. I’m pretty sure Ben’s arc was the first one DLF thought out (and the big question is, was it the only one they thought out) and only later on decided to make Rey the main character, which also involved much less spontaneous writing. Mind you, it’s not as if benepemption didn’t have a manufactured subtaste to it, but with Rey’s heroine’s journey stiff structure occasionally substitutes any in-world explanations of her actions (this is why I have to hope renperor has some narrative purpose rather than happening because lovers need to be separated and anti-hero needs to achieve what he wanted in 2nd act). I feel as if whatever potential her character had (and hopefully still has, pending IX) got smothered by layer upon layer of making her likable by everyone, which largely relied on negative characterization: she’s not helpless, she’s not too naive, not cynical, not too emotional, not too emotionless, not morally corruptible, not anything you’ve ever complained about regarding any SW character, not falling for the bad boy, not not not - and in the end it’s kinda difficult to say what Rey is like and while the goal of making her widely likable was achieved, it also made it almost impossible to view her as loveably flawed/annoying like the classic characters. And on top of all this is the matter of making her a nobody just like you!, as DLF appears to say with uncle Sam’s gesture (which also kinda assumes the existence of a Star Wars fan as some uniform entity? because if you identify with her, good for you, I just don’t understand why the franchise assumes I’ll identify with her by the grace of being a SW fan alone), because, as you excellently put it, the message here is that everyone can be chosen by God - which again, it’s not as if the saga ever contradicted this, so why the hell make a case of it? I can’t agree that it’s made into Rey’s flaw, though, imo her low birth only serves to further frame her as an oppressed virtue. And I definitely agree regarding too much of her growth being left off-screen, or before the story ever begins. The problem here isn’t even that it is left off-screen (it’s not as if we had huge insight into any of the pt or ot characters) but rather that her characterizations is left off-screen while being depicted as at least untypical (unique to put it bluntly) for her situation (same goes for Finn). A hopeful, kind person growing up on her on her own in slavery under a nicer name is a rarity and DLF makes a case for it being a rarity - and this sparks up curiosity in her past, as if market pandering to Re/sky wasn’t enough. So from this pov her un-reveal being frustrating isn’t just a case of not wanting to love her or her self only a potentially deeper psychological question getting answered with well, light.

I should add, Ben’s arc feels like the most spontaneous one (though Finn’s may yet be a masterpiece) and he’s the one to admit his fear of not living up to Vader’s legacy, because I think he’s the character serving as the creators’ vessel, more or less like Luke was Lucas’ avatar in ot. In his fear regarding Vader’s legacy one can feel Disney’s fear due to having bought popculture’s holy grail and not being entirely sure what to do with it. On this background, Rey (a literal scavenger of OT’s pieces) and rebels 2.0 repeatedly blessed by Leia come off as what DLF would want to be. And the result is that the character which was supposed to be Vader 2.0 proves the most original and surprising one, whereas “breaths of fresh air” come off as room aromatizers with “fresh” written on them.

And as far as the plot being bended into a pretzel and then disappearing up it’s own ass, well, a part of me is still hoping that taking virtually the same villains as before is a mythological-psychoanalitical metaphor of a nigredo repeating itself until the unconscious gets accepted by the conscious…. but, tbh, as the leaks flow this hope is withering.

[angelkurenai]

Hurting for love - Jack Kline x Reader

Title: Hurting for love

Pairing: Jack Kline x Reader

Warnings: Season 13 spoilers

Word Count: 2,014

Summary: Imagine Jack having doubts to leave with Lucifer, when he asks him to, because he doesn’t want to leave due to the feelings he has for you.

“But if the rift is closed, then how are you here?” the nephilim frowned, tilting his head to the side.

“Oh, no. Not how. Why.” Lucifer corrected “I'm here for you, Jack. Because, you know, even though the Three Amigos – Sam, Dean and the other one – oh and of course the sweetheart of the group, (Y/n)-” at the mention of your name Jack's head perked up and he looked on edge “Won't admit it, you need me. You do, 'cause we're blood. And we're not human, no matter how much we pretend to be. We're not like them, and they could probably try to understand us but they never will. Not really.”

“(Y/n) has always... understood me.” the half-angel ended up whispering, a small smile finding its way on his lips despite how bad he felt after everything that had happened. You could always somehow do this for him, it didn't necessarily have to be your presence much like now it was the mere thought of your beautiful smile or warm hug, that made Jack find the sense of belonging, love and peace he always craved for.

“No, no she tried to understand you, boy. Tried. But didn't fully understand you. Because she simply can't!” Lucifer shrugged, his words making Jack's eyes cast down “She's human, it's not her fault really. But as much as can act like she understands what you're going through, she-”

“She didn't 'act'.” Jack's head snapped in Lucifer's direction, brows furrowed and ready to defend you “I- I don't know how much she could understand, but she stood by my side because she wanted to. She has always been sweet and nice to me, without caring about other's thoughts. She comforted me and listened to me and protected me when she could b-because she cares about me, because she lo-” but he stopped himself before he could say it, lips pursing in a thin line as his eyes casted down again.

“Alright.” Lucifer eyed him “I see.” he muttered “Well, your first love is always gonna be complicated, kid. But it's best if you don't give 'em all your heart cause it will end in a heartbreak, especially with them human girls. Oh I certainly remember how your mom was, but either way- We'll have a talk about the whole v-card issue when the time comes, so for now it's best if you know that the stork brings the baby, ok?”

“I don't...” Jack blinked, looking at his father perplexed “I suppose.” he ended up saying with a soft sigh.

“Look it still is just like I said: She's human. And yeah out of the four of them I'll give her that she's the smartest and definitely most pretty one but she still doesn't know how it feels like, Jack. Not the way I do. See-” he took a deep breath “Humans are limited and fragile. And I'll admit, they bring out the worst in me, I gotta say.” he chuckled but it was cutshort when Jack frowned deeply, giving him a look “(Y/n)'s- She's an exception, ok? However, it seems like, you know, no matter how much you try to do right around them... something always goes wrong. Follow?”

“I... I know.” Jack mumbled in a sad voice tone.

“Right? And that's not their fault or ours. It's just, us and humans, we're like oil and water. You know, sardines and strawberries. It's just a bad combination.”

“What do we do?” Jack finally asked in a low voice.

“Leave.” Lucifer said ever-so-simply “I mean theres a whole universe out there, buddy. Planets. Stars. Galaxies. Why should we stay here on Earth when we can go anywhere else? Heck, everywhere else.”

“Like uhm like 'Star Wars'?” Jack's lips pulled into a smile and Lucifer smiled himself, nodding his head.

“Exactly like 'Star Wars'.”

“But... Sam, Dean, Castiel... (Y/n), they'll miss me.” his smile fluttered when realization downed on him that not only would he have to leave the men he considered family, the ones who at the end of the day were there for him, but you above all “I won't be able to see her again, will I?”

“Well, we are going to be very far away. And probably by the time we return... she could not be here at all.” he tried to say as innocently as possible but it still made the frown on Jack's face deepened.

“Not... here?” he whispered, the pang he felt in his chest all-too-strong to ignore. You had been there for as long as he was alive, he couldn't imagine a place without you.

“You keep hurting people!” Jack remembers himself repeating over and over again as he beat himself up, literally and metaphorically, after what has almost happened.

“Why do you keep hurting people?” he asked himself as the tears welled up in his eyes. He stopped on his tracks, sobs leaving his lips and he brought a shaky hand up on his eyes, as the moments and faces of all the people he'd hurt, from the moment he was born up until that day , flashed through them with the most painful of which being-

“Jack?” your soft and delicate voice caught his attention and his eyes snapped open, before he turned around to face you and realize you weren't just a fragment of his imagination – of his broken self seeking out your presence, comfort and (in all honesty) love and support – but were actually standing a couple feet away from him.

“Oh Jackie.” you placed a hand over your mouth to hold a sob back, although in vain, as tears welled up in your own eyes “My goodness. Please, gosh, please don't do this to yourself. D-don't.” you choked out and the sight of your tears made his roll down as well.

“(Y/n)?” he asked softly, as if to make sure you were there “What are you doing here?”

“I- I came looking for you. Sam and Dean told me I shouldn't but I... I couldn't just let you go and I came looking for you. What-” you tried to swallow the lump in your throat but didn't even try to fight back your tears at this point “What are you doing here all alone, Jack?”

“I...” a sob left his lips as he looked around him “Trying to protect you from me?” came out a weak and broken answer that was so true.

“But Jack there is no reason for you to do this. You don't have to keep yourself away from us because we're not in dang-” you took a step forward towards him but his watery eyes widened and he took a step backwards, raising his hands to stop you.

“Don't... please, ju-just don't.” he sniffled “Stay away from me, I might-” he started but stopped himself when he felt to scared to even say the words.

“Jack, no you won't hurt me. I know you won't.”

“But I... I have hurt you before. I've brought pain and sadness in your life and nothing but grief.” another tear rolled down his cheek and a choked sob left your lips.

“Don't say that, please. You-” you sniffled, taking another step forward as he backed away; making you sigh in frustration “Jack stop this! Just stop! This is insane, just listen to me here! I'm begging you, I'm-” you reached as fast as you could to take hold of his hands and this time he, luckily, didn't fight you on it.

Maybe because your words made him freeze in his place “I need you.” you whispered weakly “I need you here but I also need you to be alright. I need you to be happy, I want to see you happy, Jack, because you- you have given me so much happiness all this time.”

“Me?” his eyebrows raised softly in disbelief and his glossy eyes widened ever-so-innocently.

“Yes, Jack, you.” you took another step closer to him and all he did was look at you with awe-filled eyes “You have been able to make me more happy than you even realize. Believe me, eve since I met you I have only been able to experience beautiful feelings, truthfully the most beautiful of all. Bad things happened, yes, but bad things have always been happening in my life. Everything has always been so screwed up that at times I couldn't see the light at the end of the tunnel. I had stopped believing there was even one to begin with, but when I really got to know you... I did see it, Jack, thanks to you. So if you ask me-” you shrugged with a small smile, despite the tear that escaped your eyes, giving his hand a squeeze “It has been a blessing to know you.”

“Despite everything I've done?”

“Jack, the people you've hurt- none of it happened intentionally. You never wanted to hurt anybody. Tell me, would you not take it back if you could?”

“Yes, yes immediately.” he breathed out and gave him a gentle smile, bringing your hand up to cup his cheek.

“And that just shows how good you really are, Jack. Regret, remorse and sympathy are mere a few of all the good traits you have and of the traits good people have, or at least people who want to be good. You've made mistakes, yes-” you said softly “But we all do, Jack, and at the end of the day it only matters how good you do in this world and how good you mean to do, and you Jack are doing amazing.”

“Do you really believe that?”

“Yes, yes I do.” you said as he let his forehead rest against yours “And for that I don't want you beating yourself up. I don't want you isolating yourself, Jack, especially from me. I thought that... you trusted me with everything, that we were close and that I... I was important to you so that you'd-”

“You are.” he hurried to say, cutting you off before you could question it any further “You are very important to me.” he slowly brought a hand up to cup your cheek and you gave him a shy smile “More than I can find the words to describe.”

“Then don't shut me out, don't deal with this on your own. Don't take the weight of this on your own shoulders when I'm here for you.”

“I won't.” he sniffled “I won't, not again; I promise. Just... this time, I need to be alone for a minute.”

“But then... you'll come back home, right?” it was obvious how the first time he had gone MIA after killing that man had had an impact on both of you, and somehow you feared he'd leave before telling you again and you wouldn't have your chance.

“Always.” he said without a second thought “If you'll wait for me?”

“Always”

“So yes, they'll miss you. It'll be hard.” Lucifer shrugged “But you have to live your life for you. And you gotta give them... her the chance to live her life without the fear that your powers could get out of control and hurt her. You will actually let her find true happiness and let her live her life for her, and not worrying all the time about you. She might not see it but that's how some humans are, they- they care too much and they can confuse sadness with happiness.”

“You think... (Y/n) does too?” Jack blinked, a small pout setting on his lips.

“Oh I'm sure.” Lucifer eyed him for a moment “This is our second chance, kiddo. This is our opportunity to escape our past and our sins and start over. Without dragging others. What do you say? Father and son. You up for an adventure, buddy?”

“I...”he hesitated for a moment, the thought of your heartbroken face making his own heart ache but he hoped that one day everything would be better and you could find true happiness in safety away from him “I'd like that.” he finally breathed out.

[rogertaylcr]

its alright if its long! i asked bc i was curious, id love a long answer

OKAY HERE IS THE SUPER LONG ANSWER, it’s self indulgent and, dare I say, Boring as shit -- but it’s the full answer to how/when/why I started drumming -- it is also 1.5k words long so it’s under a read more

so I started like drumming in a serious way i would say like a year and a halfish ago which isn’t a super long time I know but theres a tediously long story behind it which you asked for so don’t blame me for how long this is cause dude i know it’s long

The why of it is actually pretty short though. So my house is a music house, my mom plays a bunch of instruments and sings and my dad listens to a bunch of music so theres a lot of musical passion (even when theres no talent necessarily). As a kid, like 3-4 like EARLY memory, I remember listening to bohemian rhapsody and hearing the drums specifically, which idk if this is universal but for a lot of songs for awhile i just didn’t hear the drums as like part of the song really, and with bohemian rhapsody they were just so clear, like i could hear the heartbeat of the song. (this was the first song I felt that with but definitely not the only one, baba oreilly was another one that i made me realise the life of the song comes from the drums) When I was .... like 6-7, a beatles doc came on MTV and I saw Ringo drumming during the early beatles years and he was standing and stomping the hi hat and bass and there was just so much movement and power behind it and so much more fun in my opinion than the other instruments and i was like “i wanna be the one giving songs their heartbeats”. The more i got into a bunch of other, new and old, bands the more i was like This Has To Be Me. I had always been a fidegty person who was drumming to shit anyway but like the idea that that could translate into like something palatable and musical and entertaining and LOUD was News™ to me and I wanted to do that, but at the time I only knew a bit of piano and like a single chord on guitar and, like a lot of people’s parents, my parents saw creative fields as really unstable/unrealistic so I was like “well obvious it would be nice to be a loud drummer but I’m going to be a business person” (this is how cynical i was as a child).

the WHEN of it is a longer story, like it isn’t actually cause the actual answer is that i’ve been seriously drumming for about 1.5 years but theres like more to it imo

When i was in the third grade, instruments were compulsory at school so we all had to choose and buy one to learn on as well as basic piano lessons. I wanted to play the drums as “my instrument” at that time BUT my school didn’t have the budget or the space really to accommodate that (i would've had to buy my own kit and haul it to and from the school which didn’t make sense for me to do for someone who hadn’t ever touched drums) AND they didn’t have a teacher that could really teach drums, our percussion section was just a xylophone and some cymbals it was a school of like 2000 kids so :/

So I learned clarinet and then when i was 10, in the fifth grade, my older sister’s friend stopped playing saxophone and got permission to bring her drums in. We only had an orchestra so our teacher had to write her music for/with her which was cool but anyway. She left her drums at school and i knew her and so while i was supposed to be in the practice room playing clarinet i was trying semi-fruitlessly to drum. I knew i wanted to drum by any means necessary but like I was 10 and since i had no guidance (and no proper sticks i was using xylophone mallets) I didn’t think I was “good” at it and when we moved away I took that as a sign that it wasn’t meant to be.

When we got to america I joined school bands (as in orchestra/concert band) as a clarinet player once again, I still wanted to be drumming and i was in a public school by then so i had access to like “school drums” but I was so far behind the not-self-taught drummers in the actual band that I just like decided I had to focus on what I was already good at which was my art and dove into the upper level art program which like GOOD cause that made life worth living but it also meant the only time I could drum was when I was at this one friends house or had access to the band hall and like I just couldn’t keep the improvements i’d made, like i’d perfect a song and then have zero access for a couple weeks (except to like stand alone snares but :/ ) and i’d have to start over essentially and it was SUPER discouraging and it made me feel like I wasn’t making any progress

In the meantime I was trying to get my musical fix by learning guitar/piano and piano came back to me pretty quickly (its gone again now) but guitar like.....you can’t hit it lmao, piano i could slam the keys how i wanted to and get that really great loud resonating sound and i could stand to play and get more movement out of it but guitar is tedious in a way that other instruments aren’t imo, like the sound is loud but the movement is very precise and i never had the patience for that

when I got to college I really had to focus on my art especially the first two years, I literally lived in the studio (im not exaggerating, the students in my major and I had a janitorial bathroom set aside for showering) so pretty much all of my hobbies got tossed aside those two years it was grueling, fun but also hell

Junior year came and i had like 30% of my time back and i was like considering switching majors. I knew i didn’t want to do animation but also you can’t just switch into music at a university, you have to be pretty accomplished already and percussion at my school is HUGE like i would’ve had to be roger himself to have a chance of switching in. On top of that the degree isn’t super useful so I now have my Bachelors of Science. But by junior year i KNEW i didn’t wanna do that, I knew i wanted/i want to drum so I.... licherally................went to the library and printed like 50 pieces of paper each with three flyers on them and cut them up and put them up ALL over campus essentially begging for access to a drum kit. I could only afford like a couple hours on this one guys kit every few weeks for one semester (and then the following semester i did a semester away, they had drums at the school there but i only got access like a total of 5 times) so when i came back to america I did the exact same thing, I put up flyers in the music building and eventually i found a girl who let me use her drums for free all year, she gave me access like last august? I think? and just now has packed them away in the last month or so, and i would literally go into this tiny stuffy unairconditioned room (that had an automatic light timer so i’d be in the dark halfway through a song ahsdkhajkda and a couple times the heat got to me and i had to go outside and sit in my car w/ the AC before coming back in ahdjkahdjkasdjka) and drum for about 6-8 hours MWF and maybe like 3-4 hours T/TR which i know isn’t as much as some people but like I had school work still so I couldn’t do too much more. (it worked out great cuase i only took 7 hours my last two semesters so it was like something i could do while all my friends were in class and they weren’t open on weekends so my social life didn’t get fucked up) and like i know i haven’t been drumming drumming that long comparatively to like normal people who start at age -2 and are born with a snare in their laps but you spend that much time each week doing something and you’ll get good you just like… have to and I like where I’m at right now, I think I’ll always have super severe imposter syndrome abt my skill level b/c of how long it took me to get here and being an overcritical perfectionist doesnt help but yeah

i really dont think its a coincidence that my coming out (to myself) coincided with when I said “fuck it im gonna play drums come hell or high water” but SUPER LONG AND OVERLY DETAILED story short, I heard roger drum and said “if i dont do that ill die” and then when i finally had the resources i drummed myself into multiple heat strokes and i recently saw roger live so the universe rewarded me for all that shit

[dead-inside-mcgee]

The doctor and the demon Part 2

Summary: Henrik discovers where Chase went. He finds himself trapped in a castle. 

If your looking for Part 1, just go to my blog and search beauty and the beast. 

________________________________________________________________

It was two weeks after Chase left that Henrik started getting suspicious. The first snow would most likely be today, and Chase still wasn’t back. Henrik slipped on his coat, planning on going out to search for his friend when a knock on the door interrupted him.

 Looking through the peephole, He sighed, putting his hands in his hands, once he saw Dark standing in front of the door. Henrik’s first thought, was to not answer and climb out the back window. Unfortunately, Dark had other ideas, and let himself leave.

 “Dark, can't say it’s a pleasure,” Henrik said with a deadpan look. He silently cursed himself for not getting a lock on that door. It was a small town, not much crime, but he didn’t think about nosy neighbors.

 “Oh, don’t be like that, Henry,” Dark waved his hands and said this, as though they were old friends.

 “I know you love to see me.” He put an arm around the smaller man and closed the door with his foot.

 Henrik slipped out of his grasp. He took a deep breath in an effort to calm himself, and in the sweetest voice he could muster, he said, “Well you can’t stay long. I’m heading out soon.” He gestured towards his coat.   

 “Well, where ya heading.” Dark made a move to put his arm around him again, but he was quicker this time. “I’m sure I can be of some assistance.”

 “I’m going out, to find a friend of mine,” He answer truthfully seeing no reason to lie.

 “Well. Why can’t come along?”

 Henrik back away towards the door, Dark put his hand on either side of his head. He leaned in close.

 “I don’t need you to,” Henrik said. “Beside’s, you’ve overstayed your welcome.” Henrik opened the door and ducked under Dark’s arm, causing him to fall into the mud below.

 He slammed the door shut and rush to grab a chair and jam it under the door. He made a mental note to get a lock and snuck out the back window.

After some sneaking around, and ducking into corners, Henrik made his way into the forest. He could faintly see tracks in the soft dirt. It had just begun to snow as he entered the forest.

 Henrik would often go through these woods to find herbs and spices, for medicine (and dinner at times). He knew his way around and he knew the path to the other town fairly well. He has gone on personal trips there to help some injured person, in need of professional help.

 Following the track marks, left by the cart, he quickly realized Chase had taken a wrong turn on a crossroads, that was closer to their town. Henrik bit his thumb.

 There were about three crossroads on the way to town. If you missed even one, you could get extremely lost. That's why he was always so worried for Chase’s safety.

 Knowing that standing here and panicking would get him nowhere, Henrik trudged along the path. It was mid afternoon, when he found the first clue on where chase went, and he didn’t like it.

 He could barely see them, but in one area there was a pack of wolf prints surrounding the cart and the horse. It seemed like, once the wolves surrounded them, Chase fell of the horse and ran in a completely different direction.

 He laughed despite himself. He realized how much he was acting like a detective from one of his favorite novels. It was a funny thought to distract him from Chase’s possible fate.

Shortly after he found a trail of Chase’s footprints, it’s began snowing. He cursed and picked up his speed. He cursed himself for not searching for him sooner.

 The faint wolf prints following Chase’s, worried the doctor, but the remains of a burnt branch gave him hope. Soon the outline of a fence came into view, he ran faster knowing Chase could be safe.

 His hope was drained when he noticed the blood, splattered on the bars. Even if it was just a small cut, Chase could die of an infection within days. His stomach dropped into a pit.

 With his last bit of hope, he opened the gate. There was a cobblestone path, so Henrik couldn’t even tell if Chase made it this far or he meet his fate before he got in and something else dragged him away.

 No, no. Henrik shook his head. If he died back there, there would be more blood splattered about.

 Sucking in a deep breath he forced his way down the path. Glancing at each of the statues, his hope diminished. He could stand here all day and stare at them, but he need confirmation.

 Not thinking, Henrik opened the doors to the castle at the end of the path. The inside seemed to be colder than outside. Pulling his coat tighter he looked around and called out.

 “Hello?” He immediately felt stupid. Was some crazy sociopath going to come up and say “Oh, hay come in. We have tea?”

 He laughed at his own stupid thought.

 “Someone's here! Should we scare them away?” Henrik heard someone whisper.

 “No, they might be the one we’ve been looking for,” another voice said.

 “If anyone is there, can you tell me if you’ve seen a friend of mine?” Henrik asked, then added. “His name is Chase.”

 “Chase? Isn’t that the name of the guy, boss threw into the dungeon?” The first voice asked.

 “What dungeon?” He asked.

 “Dahm it, Marvin!” The second voice whisper yelled.

 “Down the stairs, to your right,” The voice, that was probably Marvin, said.

 Henrik followed those instructions, he found the dungeon was even colder than outside. He hated that Chase has most likely been here for weeks.

 The first cage, Henrik noticed a figure huddled in the corner.

 “Chase?!” He called out.

 The figure shifted and looked out. It was Chase.

 “Henry?” Chase mumbled.

 “Hold on, I’ll find away to get you out!” He turned to try and find a key, when he was stopped by a tall figure. He felt like he’s been in this situation before.

 Slowly looking up, he realized the figure before him was too tall to be human. He couldn’t see the creatures face, but he could feel it breathing heavily

 “And what-” the creature leaned in closer, “-are you being here.”

 Henrik’s heart was beating faster, in fear, but he held his ground.

 “I am here for my friend,” he stated as contentedly as he could.

 “Your friend stole from me. He deserves to be locked up,” the creature growled.

 “What did he steal?” he asked.

 “Something that was very important to me,” the creature stated. Henrik glared the best he could; not satisfied with with that answer. The creature noticed this and continued. “A red rose.”

 Henrik’s stance flattered. Guilt and anger welled up inside him.

 “Let him go,” he said firmly.

 The creature laughed, or at least it might have been a laugh (it sounded like a dying cat).

 It leaned in closer. “And why, would I do that?”

 “Because-” his voice cracked, “-I was the one who asked him to bring me a rose. Let him go and take me in exchange.

 “Henrik no!” Chase screamed.

 The creature laughed again. “It’s a deal!”

 Before he could really react, Chase was snatched out of the cage and he was thrown in. He could hear Chase yelling as the thing carried him off. He teared up a bit.

 By the time the creature returned, Henrik had given into his emotions and was crying.

 The creature tilled it’s head in a confused manner.

 “You didn’t even let me say goodbye,” he sobbed.

 The creature grunted and left the dungeon. He was going to head to his own room when he was stopped by a candle stick.

 “I would like to suggest something. If I may?” Marvin said.

 The creature gave a grunt and Marvin continued.

 “I was th-thinking, b-boss, since this man will be staying with us for a while, we could… we could,” Marvin trailed off, nervously.

 “Get on with it,” the creature said.

 “I was thinking.. Maybe we could move him to a nicer place. To make him more comfortable and maybe-” Marvin paused again, “-and maybe you two could get along.”

 The creature gave him an annoyed look and growled. Marvin flinched.

 “I suppose your right,” the creature grumbled and turned back around.

 Back in the dungeon Henrik had already sat down on the pile of hay and was crying silently. The cage door opened with a long creek.

 “Come on!” The creature beckoned.

 Henrik obeyed. “Where are you taking me?” He asked.

 “To your room.”

 “My room?”

 The creature turned and looked at him. “Do you want to stay in the dungeon?” He asked.

 “No,” Henrik said, shaking his head.

 “Then stop asking questions!”

 After a long pause Henrik asked another question.

 “Do you have a name?”

 The creature stopped walking and was silent for a long time. “Anti,” He finally said.

 After going up a flight of stairs and passing multiple statutes, they stopped at a door.

 “This will be your room,” Anti said. “Feel free to explore the manor, it is your home after all. You my go where ever you like, except the west wing. It is forbidden.”

 “What's in the west wing?”

 “It is forbidden!” Anti said louder.

 The inside of the room was warm. The walls were painted light blue, the bed had darker blue sheets and blanket. It was a nice room, but Henrik didn’t like to think of it as home. Without Chase, how could he call anything home?

 “You will join me for dinner.” Anti stated.

 “I’m not hungry,” Henrik said, sounding like a bratty child.

 Anti bore his teeth, trying to keep clam. “I’m sure you’ll be hungry later. You’ll regret not coming.”

 “I don’t want to come. Leave me alone.”

 “Um.. boss,” Marvin, who followed them up here, said, “I think we should give him some space. He just got here after all.”

 Anti ignored him.

 “Fine then! Starve!” He screamed and slammed the door hard enough the shake the ground.

 He turned to Marvin and the group of other appliances that followed them.

 “If he doesn’t eat with me he doesn’t eat at all,” he said then stormed off.

  Henrik buried his face into the sheets. Maybe if he fell asleep this will all turn out to be a bad dream.

A little while later, Henrik heard a knock on the door. “Go away!” he yelled into the pillow.

 Whoever was on the other side of the door knocked again, harder this time.

 He groaned. “There’s not even a lock on that door,” he yelled.

 “Well I’m sorry. I’ve been told it’s rude to open someones door without knocking,” a voice said, the door opened.

 Henrik didn’t see anyone enter, but he could hear something moving along the floor. He looked down to see an old clock, a candlestick, and a feather duster.

 “Heyo!” the candle said. “I’m Marvin!”

 The clock sighed. “My name is Jackie.”

 “You may refer to me as google,” the feather duster stated in a monotone voice.

 “Your.. talking to me,” Henrik said. He felt stupid after saying that.

 “Yeah you are! Isn’t that cool,” Marvin cheered. “Well cool for you, not really for us.”

 Jackie mumbled something, then spoke up. “We’re here to take you to dinner.”

 “I told him I didn’t want to eat.” His stomach growled, disproving his last statement.

 “You won’t be dining with him tonight. After you rejected him, he locked himself up. You’ll be dining with us,” Google said.

 “Won’t he hear us and get upset?” Henrik asked.

 “That's what I said,” Jackie complained.

 “We will be taking the risk tonight,” Google said.

 “It’s going to be awesome!” Marvin chimed.

[alicezan-ncgred]

Bleeding Red

Preface: I’ve been bitching around the bush of this long enough. So, I’ve been really silent on a bunch of stuff that’s been eating me alive which has made me both inactive and unproductive. I’m going to get straight to the point, starting off with the TL:DR from my post on my main blog. Context: An anon asked me if I was alright because I hadn’t updated in a while.

TL:DR You probably didn’t ask this to hear about all the bad shit of my life so here’s the short of it. No, I’m not doing fine. I will try get next weeks post out on time and I’ll work on making up on the lost posts. Updates will return regularly, ‘ite.

Time for the thick and thin of it.

Insecurity and being shafted: I’m stoic, even at my worst I won’t say anything. I’ll push through regardless of my current condition and since I’ve gone years like this, it’s not hard for me to do. In my real life situation, I’m currently in a place of social isolation. This has lead to a somewhat near reliance on Tumblr to be my social outlet. This present many issues.

The main one is that I’m quite the isolationist. This has only been reinforced by many interactions throughout the entirely of my life. Because of this, I can’t say I’ve ever had anything really more than two friends at a time. While in a way this has helped me express myself so well through writing, it’s come at the cost of social skill. I don’t talk to anyone.

With this kind of issue you could easily imagine that the THREE PEOPLE (four now, but very limited) to ever directly talk ended up in a way shafting me. The first blocked and disconnected with me without warning or reason. At this point we’ve been talking to each for about a month and we hit it off very well and then one day, silence. Never heard from them again. That fucked me up hard when I finally realized what happened.

The second person left during the Tumblr P**n Purge. We were talking about how to contact each other on other platforms and then they stopped responding. I had already given contact to other platforms of which they pinged me in any way. Another person that I trusted massively on here just abandoned me and I’m still hurting from that. Wasn’t fair at all.

Then the third person was someone that I been following for a while. This person is actually the reason that I’ve been putting this off for so long. I don’t want them to see this post but they will. I got an ask from them that ultimately turned out to be misinformation. I said I wasn’t mad but I was. I was so fucking angry about it and I’m still kinda mad, but I didn’t want problems. I still don’t. I just didn’t want them to worry about it. This will come back later.

I try my best to be as inoffensive as possible. The problem with that is that much of the things I believe or enjoy are highly divisive. Hell, even my own identity can be seen as offence. I’m bisexual, non-binary (I’m currently still questioning this. I might actually be gender fluid but in the overall scheme, that’s worse than being non-binary), and nonreligious. I’m in a very religious area so you I’m still “in the closet” about much of this IRL. I though it would better online but with how much people are saying bisexuality doesn’t exist, or that non-binary isn’t a valid gender (or that being gender fluid make you insane and you should be locked up) and all the hate people who say they are this are getting, the very community that’s supposed to accept me, HATES me. I had a bi pride flag icon last year during Pride Month. I never doing that ever again. It was terrible.

I’m trying my best to come out of my shell like I said I would when I made this blog but it seems I’m just crawling further into it. People I think I can trust keep setting me up to fall, people I know in real life won’t ever accept my existence if they knew who I really was, and my own mental health problem and self loathing are eating me alive. But that isn’t the total of it.

Crumbling Pillar: I’ve always ended up in the position where things were thrown onto me. In which no one wanted to do, I was stuck with. Because of this not only do I have a severe distaste being around my family (beyond everything mentioned before hand) but I grew to have a negative out look on everything. This effect is still quite obvious in my writings, especially my poems. Out of the 14 poems on my poem blog @washed-soul​, only one has a happy meaning.

The one happy poem was called dreams. Under a metaphor it talks about how a demon kept me trapped in a dark space. I start to get better and nearly break free before I have a negative relapse back to my old ways. The poems ends with the demon putting a end to itself leaving the nightmare in which it was keeping me in to slowly fade away, letting one crack of light peeking through to become a window to a door until one day I walk free. When writing this poem, I never thought I would find myself rebuilding the nightmare but that’s where I am.

I’m done with holding things together that other people have placed onto me. Because of this, issues have began showing in my private life. Issues that should’ve been solved decades ago are only now being addressed. This change in the status quo of my life has caused many issues in my productive and mood. Between everything else I’m too tired to do anything.

Is that a reason, is that an excuse. No it isn’t but it’s the best thing I got as a reason. I’m doing my damnedest to do the best I can but of course, when it comes to the thing that matter I just fall short. Big fucking whopha my intelligence and capability does me if I can’t use it for anything that means a damn.

Meaningless Triviality: I’m a very emotional person. I’m very strongly bound to my emotions and if everything above hasn’t given it away, my emotions are very negative prone. But it just doesn’t stop there, it goes back into my memories. I can only honestly place 3 happy memories for certain that aren’t either A) a dream or B) me escaping reality through my mind. Besides that, almost all my memories are negative. 

People like to throw around the word Nihilist to describe themselves because today's culture is very, god while I hate to use this word, edgy. For those who don’t know a Nihilist is someone who views the world as being completely  meaningless and reject all religious and moral principles. I very truly struggle with this outlook of life. It’s a daily for me to berate myself saying “just kill yourself” or “I want to die” or just shutting down and crumpling up while say “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry” over and over again. Hell, I did that while writing this. 

I take things very hard, even the slightest transgression. I’m so used to trying to make things perfect and because people have the image that I’m the smart one, the mature one, the capable one, I’m left with the over hanging expectation of excellence. Almost no room for margin of error or being human. Since I’m the silent type, I put up no challenge and work to meet it. Only time I get any praise for anything too. 

I guess as a little self promotion to my main blog, for those that have read the very first few updates of my main blog @the-truth-behind-redacted, or read Defiance’s character sheet, while The Machine and Defiance are separate character, they both share the name Machine. That in part is a reflect of said above expectation. How ravenous and inhuman it can be all under the guise of something human. Those characters are the two sides to the same coin. 

Remember how I said I try to be un-problematical and how I try to avoid any potential conflict. In the first segment I told on how I lied about my feelings just so another person didn’t have to worry over something that honestly, in hindsight, wasn’t even really a big deal. But I also said how it consumed me in anger. I just don’t want to bother anyone over anything. It’s part of the reason why I am writing this post, as some way of a self enforced rehab program to get better. 

This absolute consumption of negative emotion has pushed me into a non human state before. I hit a point of absolute mental exhaustion and in such a self enforced bubble of actual hatred I became completely apathetic. I felt numb to everything. I watched and heard of terrible things happening to people, and felt nothing. I watched people lives crumble before them leaving them nowhere to go and LAUGHED. “Just another worthless pathetic worm on this rotting carcass of a planet being hit with the hard reality that life doesn’t care for them. What whimsical pathetic bullshit they deluded themselves with to think otherwise.” This isn’t an exaggeration on how I thought, this is what I actually thought. Which brings me too.

The Mandatory Sob Story: Roll your eyes everyone and get the tiny violin. I guess in order for everyone to exactly understand the place I’m coming from when it comes to mental health I’ll have to detail my experiences. I have a long standing history with mental illness. I have professionally diagnosed OCD, Bipolarism, Anxiety, Chronic Depression, and visual and auditory hallucinations. I take 600 mg of Seroquel a day as well as Amitriptyline when needed. I’m also still currently in therapy to deal with said OCD, Bipolarism, Anxiety, Chronic Depression, the visual and auditory hallucinations, as well as Suicidal thoughts, and my Nihilism. There’s a reason to why I’m so god damn familiar with mental illness and treatment plans.  

OCD and Bipolarism run in my family on my fathers side. My Father’s Father had them, my Sister has them, my brother most likely has them (however he refuses to see a doctor because he uses said possible mental illnesses as a get out of jail free card. He doesn’t want to be treated and he has FUCKING ADMITTED IT), my father has them, and I have them. I, however, have the misfortune of having it real bad. I said yes to well over half of all the total symptoms when I was being tested (I don’t remember exact numbers but I remember there being three pages worth of common symptoms) which was very worrying to the doctor. I was currently in an inpatient hospitalization program at the time for both suicidal thoughts and actions, and severe depression. 

On that, my graze in with suicide. Before I went into my first inpatient program I was contemplating suicide. I was sat in front of a mirror with a bottle of over the counter medication. It was an unopened bottle of ibuprofen, 1000 200mg tables. What I planed to do was down the whole bottle with benadryl and die in my sleep. I had the small box of benadryl got from the Kroger pharmacy and a hand full of ibuprofen poured out looking directly into the mirror. My suicide note was sitting on the desk on my room with an online copy on my laptop open.

I sat there for an hour in the dead of midnight complicating my life. I had lost all hope in the world, filled with hatred, anger, pain, and despair. I had no god or after life to look forward too, part way hoping that a Hell existed for me to burn in. I hated myself that much. I was close to taking the first handful before before I caught a glimpse of my own eyes in the mirror. In what was in a weird sudden epiphany I realized that I truly did become what I hated but not for any reason I told myself. I became the very bastion of negativity I sought to fight and rid of in what little friends I did have. That was what set off my path to recovery in spite of the medical system. I guess if people care I’ll make a separate post on that. 

Before I move on, I feel I should explain my history with the visual and auditory hallucinations. It should be no surprise that with everything else above, I also had extreme paranoia that led to me having very bad insomnia. Insomnia is, just like most other medical disorders like Depression, Self-harm, Anxiety, OCD,  Bipolarism, is romanticized to hell. Insomnia isn’t having one nights bad sleep where you got 5 hours of sleep instead of 8.

You know what Insomnia is? insomnia is being physical incapable of sleeping despite not sleeping in 2 to 3 day while your body suffers massive agony brought on by this. Muscle spasms and seizing, difficulty breathing, your eyes feeling like fire ants are eating them, and of course visual and auditory hallucinations. Now I already had issues with visual and auditory hallucinations even when I could get sleep regularly but the combined effects of my OCD and Bipolarism made this perfect condition of Insomnia, Anxiety, Paranoia, with the already added in disposition to hallucinations and I felt like I was actually losing my mind. 

My hallucinations presented themselves in three forms. Disassociation of reality, night terrors, or alterations of reality. Disassociation of reality often were complete black out moments. I would lose any perceived connect to reality and enter an episode of my mind. I can’t remember what they actually were but I do remember what it felt like. Cold sweats, anxiety to point where if I didn’t lock up I would vomit, actual physical pain, mind numbing fear, and intense fatigue. 

The second were night terrors often in the form of horrific “things.” I do remember these and most of them were as best as I could describe, forms of things that were vaguely human and formations of industrial machinery. The most vivid one I remember was of a long lengthy apparition that was for the most part human but many locations of it’s impossible physiology were rebar beams and mechanical sockets. It began when I was about to fall asleep and it was next to my window. The thing was making week groaning and gasping sounds before it violently slammed against my window breaking it then letting out a horrific howl that I can’t describe as it tossed itself out followed shorty after with the sound of bones breaking against the dirt. 

Now that might not seem so bad, exspecally with everything that is in horror movies or games now, but keep in mind that was fucking real to me. It was as real as the clicking of the keys of my keyboard as I’m writing this. As real as the chair I’m sitting in and as real as the wall in front of me. As far as my mind was concerned that thing, what ever it was, actually existed. It took me physical touching my window to make sure it wasn’t actually broken and checking outside to see if there wasn’t a body there. This isn’t the type of thing I talk about lightly. 

Finally there is the alteration of reality. This is very simply but it’s something that fucked with me hard. For very little meaning or warning, I would have trouble interpreting the world around me. My hearing and sight would be warped and there wasn’t any real way to tell what I was hearing or seeing was real or not until the episode was over. The way I got through these was the ultimate fake it till you make it. Obviously, very often I failed and this created issue in my schooling. 

Ending Message: I’ve been in a very bad state for a while now and as it is now, no signs of getting better. I also strongly believe my medications are being to fail me which I’ve been telling my doctor and therapist for over a year now but nothing’s been done. Mainly it’s my Depression but insomnia episodes are beginning and my own paranoia been on the rise. It’s gotten to the point where I can’t even look at a creepy image or thumbnail without having a very bad episode. 

I’ve managed to eat something today which was nice but my body is cramping hard. And to possible stave of a possible comment, I’m biologically male. Like I said I’m not in the best head space, or living for that matter. If this gets better, only time will tell. 

[dylanobrienisbatman]

i'm a little bit confused with the new no negativity thing and just want a bit of clarification. like if, for example, the superhero prompt gets picked and it's like angst week or something, does this mean we can't have like character a get really hurt in a supervillain fight and come to character b to patch them up? i'm just a little confused on what all counts as negativity and what doesn't. thanks!

Hi anon! sorry my week got away from me and i forgot to answer you! 

I think those two things are pretty different. Portraying someone as like, a super villain, is different from portraying a character as someone who abuses their significant other or their family members! You can always write a story in which there is some ‘big bad’ villain, but writing a coffeeshop AU where bellamy is clarke’s abusive boyfriend isn’t quite the same, and doesn’t have the same overall messaging about the character. In one, its two people on different sides of an overall conflict, typically who both have their own beliefs as to why they’re right. In the other, its a situation where a character is being portrayed as someone who wields their power and control in a violent or emotionally harmful way towards someone else. Writing Raven as the super genius super villain who is trying to upend the social order to solve some problem, and Emori and Murphy as the dynamic vigilante team who are trying to stop her, because even though ‘x’ problem is important, the way she’s going to do it is WRONG? I’d read the FUCK outta that fic, and it wouldn’t be framing Raven as a bad person or in a negative light. Just try and remember that this contest is supposed to be a positive space for everyone and we want to maintain that. 

We just ask that you be cautious and respectful. There are some characters that you may not like who are very loved by other fans of this show, and honestly theres no need to even give examples because there is always going to be a character you love that someone else can’t stand and visa versa. Just consider it this way: 

If you were reading a fic, would you want a character you love to be portrayed in that way? Just try and be considerate of other people and their opinions! (And if you really dislike a character, you can always leave them out entirely!!!) 

And obviously, when tropes are announced, feel free to reach out to me or @thelittlefanpire with any questions you have about where you’re thinking about taking your fic! We’re here to help! 

[strawberryjun]

one hundred reasons to love lee jeno

eye smiles !!!!!! hes all (∪ ◡ ∪) all the time

his we young hair !!! metallic and blond and Beautiful

"no jam-jeno" what a b a b y

hes actually hilarious trust the rest of nct just makes him look bad

his dancing !!!! he always tries so hard and I know a lot of ppl compare to jisung, but they have 2 completely different styles and hes amazing in his own way

in his joy interview when he literally did Not Stop smiling

baby dont stop dance cover with jisung

his fashion sense is really nice and cute and colorful

"manners make men"

when jaemin was trying to kiss him and hes all "no,,,, ,, , help me,,,, , , sa ve m e"

speaking of jaemin , ,,,, nomin,, ,, , icons

he named his airpods "jeno's shower heads" like honestly wow

the very beginning in we young where hes dancing in the front ykno and in go and in black on black: Powerful

his face when haechan called him the funniest member

his voice is so nice to listen and it makes his raps so much better

search up "60 seconds with jeno" and u will be b l e s s e d

when he was too excited during the go filming that he was running and ran into and broke the green screen

jeno was one of the members who could do a wheelie on a bike

he tried So Hard during the I love you game but couldn't keep going bc the smile :))))))

whenever hes disgusted by something and his whole face shrivels up and wow

his commercial with the milk when he was younger and the ~cutest~ smile I have ever seen + all the other cfs he was in

I talk about his smile a lot but during weekly idol when the host complimented it and he couldn't stop smiling UWU

such guitar skills !!!!

his eyes literally Glow like I was showing my friend a video and she now stans because the universe is actually in his eyes

his instructions on how to ride a hoverboard

whenever he gets excited it's so evident and beautiful

did a whole one legged spin on the hoverboard time to Stan

part of 00 line aka the ppl who are gonna take over the world

emceeing legend

is allergic to cats, but has 3 of them ?????

hes a taurus (like me wow our bdays r three days apart too !!) and taurus men r very affectionate and love giving gifts and making ppl happy so basically is the best boyfriend you could ever ask for

hes literally the lead rapper, lead dancer, a vocalist and a visual hes really Out Here

hes soft, and his face is soft and his voice is soft and Oof soft icon

he couldn't open the package so he just ,,,, ,,,,,, , ,, ,, started hitting it

"this is jisung" stabs the mochi

just think abt how much his voice changed in two years bro I'm weak

listen,,, , jesus starts with a j,, , ,,, and so does jeno,,, ,, , coincidence ??? I think not

on the most recent the show that hes emceeing, he did this lil eyebrow raise and he got so flustered and omg

he looks so good in hats ??? wow ???

at the end of the joy behind the scenes vid, hes wearin this rlly puffy back jacket and black cap and my heart: burst

he looks so good in glasses ??? not only like framed ones, but goggles too like damn

when mark, jaemin and him were singing go in the car and he just started screaming and made them all have a Chuckle

his beautiful white shirt in the go dance practice he looked so fly

doyoung being his number one fan (other than me, of course) and always hyping him up this is what everyone should do stan jeno

when he kept slipping during one of their performances and he just kept sheepishly smiling to himself I'm gone

dude when he was playing love yourself on the guitar and haechan was singing but jeno moved to the chorus when haechan wasnt finished the verse and the way he looked and smiled at haechan wow

his go photoshoot: Art

him in eye contacts (I mean he doesnt need them but mans still looks hot)

in the joy mv, his highwaisted pants thingy oof that was Good

whenever any of the members makes fun of him, he doesnt say anything and just smiles hes so lovely

he said he likes haek-no jam !!!! and that he wants us to remember him by that and eye smiles !!!!

his laugh is a sound from heaven tbh

he won the random dance because he is a dance legend !!!!

he always seems to look at people with the utmost sincere love I've never seen him mad

in the nct recording thing when the producer said that he sounded like mark and he just goes 'well that's no good' s a v a g e

speaking of the recording he sounded angelic and also he does like this lil turn right after he finishes his part and it's so cute he like bounces back bc he whipped around to hard

his face in the song challenge thing where he was focusing and his mouth was open and he was squinting and looking towards the ceiling

him and haechan pranked jisung but changing his bg to a cockroach no jam-jeno who ???? I only know prank legend-jeno

he always goes straight from his emceeing duties to his nct duties hes a busy loyal man

his fingers r so long ??? how

he looked like such a Nerd predebut ,, , but I dig it

during nct night night where he went on with renjun whenever he spoke he spoke so softly and beautifully and I Cried

ok but his body is really nice like wiki how to have a jeno body

that predebut vid of donghae taking pics of him and he like shoved him at one point bc of how shocked he was of their similar appearance but jeno just stood their smiling at him

theres this picture !!!! its part of the nct dream official goods photoset I think !!!! he has black hair and hes like pulling on a marshmallow and honestly Blown Away from the beauty of this boy (I'll post it l8r)

his hands r so so nice and I just want to hold them :(

his black hair !!!! wonderful !!!!

jAW LINE g u y s

k I already said abt his dancing but he just picks stuff up so quickly and hes so effortless but at the same time giving all his effort idk it's just Amazing

those polaroids of him and jaemin idk of it's the lighting but he looks so Damn Good in those

when they were trying to get the food using the grabbing machine and jisung failed so jeno just 'thank u <3' and proceeded to get three foods

that video where hes woth doyoung and he kept messing with him and slapping him

his color block sweater !!!! I love that sweater so much

the random faces he kept making at the beginning of the 00 live, the one featuring his tongue rlly got me

wHEN HAECHAN KEPT SPOILING GO SO JENO LITERALLY T A C K L E D HIM wow

that vid of him looking renjun then pretending he had nothing to do with it

when he thought that his wish wouldn't come true so he just ran around with his arm in the air

jeno grabbing marks leg and mark clinging onto him like a koala so he wouldn't fall while saying sorry for whatever he did

jeno looks soft but he'll kill u with his eye smile and strong arms bro

the vids of him and jaemin at school: Pure

that vid of jaemin speaking thai and jeno saying no when jaemin asked if he was cute

the thing he did with jisung where jisung made a buzzing sound and jeno pretended to catch the bug and when he shook his fist m8 I uwu so dang hard

when he played the crocodile teeth game with jisung and scared him and he thought it was so funny he had to lay back on the couch to laugh

I really,, , , love his eyebrows ??? idk if it's just me bu t his stylists must have a rlly fun time filling them in cuz they're already so perfect

his legs !!! so nice and long wow

the biting of his bread, almost as powerful as his dancing

jeno-imnida !!!

he always looks good but when he has those stupid filters it just makes my day

his cherry bomb aegyo !!

when they were waking up on nct life and renjun kept making that noise so jeno fell on top of him

on nct life when he was playing the guitar and just Setting The Mood

he said jaehyun was one of his favourite artists he just respects and admires nct so much

shoulders: Wide

hes an absolute god tier denim wearer

I think the question was something a long the lines of who would be the best emcee and they kept saying chenle but the whole time jeno was just in the back pointing to himself and trying to flex well guess what mOrk

sleepy jeno = clueless jeno =baby boy jeno

"jeno hwaiting !!!! hehehhe"

when doing the holding hands with jaemin his "I'll hold u like this, ,,,,, UAOOOoooOh"

right before the we young (?) performance markhyuck were arguing and blocking jeno fron getting to the front where hes supposed to be and so he just moved mark out of the way ICONIC 100. literally softest boy ever, loves his members and what he does so much and I'm proud of him and his no-jam there I said it

[broccoliini-blog]

Utaite Fanfiction Recommendations

This is just a compilation of some of my personal favourite (subjective to my tastes) within the Utaite fandom on wattpad and AO3, and as you can see 95% of the fanfiction in this fandom is soramafu (not that I’m complaining).

Not including one-shot and/or drabble collections. Includes oneshots and multi-chaptered stories. 

wattpad.com

The Tale of a Century by Shiramekaru 

Main Pairing(s)/Character(s): Soraru x Mafumafu

Type: Multi-chaptered

Status: Complete 

He watched his silhouette from behind, the sun against his figure. It honestly made him look like... an angel. 

“What do you keep trying to look for?” he spoke up, voice coming out louder that expected. 

Mafu scoffed, a distasteful scoff, a spiteful scoff. And even though Soraru couldn’t see the look on his face, he could guess.

“That’s what I’d like the know.”

-

What does it take to be family?

And what does it take to love?

Where exactly does your home lie?

Where the Wind Blows by Shiramekaru 

Main Pairing(s)/Character(s): Soraru x Mafumafu

Type: Multi-chaptered

Status: Complete

What happens when a boy meets the one that hurt him so long ago?

Whether everything was a lie, he has decided that he doesn’t want to know.

The only place to go is where the wind decides to take him...

Heaven’s Will by RandomlyCreative15 

Main Pairing(s)/Character(s): Soraru x Mafumafu

Type: Multi-chaptered

Status: Ongoing

“Soraru-kun, you’re not supposed to get love advice from a god of war!”

Soraru falls for the cute prince that plays music in the royal garden every day. Unfortunately, someone else falls for him too. And that person is way better at socializing that Soraru is. But Soraru is determined to have the prince all to himself. He just needs a little help from his fellow gods. 

Don’t Go by NeverEverLux 

Main Pairing(s)/Character(s): Soraru x Mafumafu

Type: Oneshot

Status: Complete

Desperately he grabbed on to what was left of their love, but he was the only one holding on. The other side has long given up to save what wasn't meant to be saved. And he can't continue to try and try always, because it doesn't matter how hard he tried. It will never be enough, he will never be enough.

Acacia by guacanole

Main Pairing(s)/Character(s): Soraru x Mafumafu

Type: Multi-chaptered

Status: Ongoing

No summary (Angst).

After the Rain by inokori

Main Pairing(s)/Character(s): Soraru x Mafumafu

Type: Multi-chaptered

Status: Haitus

Soraru - a deceptive, cold shouldered wizard who embarks on a quest for eternal life.

Mafu - a bright student of alchemy who journeys to discover the answer to his mentor's questions, and to save his small village from a sickness. 

Amatsuki - the infamous prince of the Kucrest Realm that vanishes often, seeking a different life. 

Kradness - the rogue that doesn't know his place in this foreign realm, yet. 

Sakata - the traveling merchant that is strangely enigmatic and seems to hold deep secrets. 

Uratan - the animal tamer which travels around with Sakata in search for eternal happiness. 

 In a series of strange events, this group finds themselves glued together, in one final destination.

archiveofourown.com

[Hey] by Shinku_Tsukki

Main Pairing(s)/Character(s): Soraru x Mafumafu

Type: Multi-chaptered

Status: Complete

“Soraru-san.”

“Hm?”

“I like you.”

“…I know.”

Overreactions by Shinku_Tsukki

Main Pairing(s)/Character(s): Soraru x Mafumafu

Type: Oneshot

Status: Complete

“It hurts, Soraru-san!”

“Shut up! The pain won’t disappear quickly if you keep on moving! Stay silent, will you?!”

“B-but, it hurts~!”

…somehow, that conversation sound very wrong.

--five words: this does not contain lemon. Thank you very much.

Butterflies by Shinku_Tsukki

Main Pairing(s)/Character(s): Soraru x Mafumafu

Type: Oneshot

Status: Complete

“Soraru-san likes Lon, right?”

Soraru stared blankly at the white-haired guy.

“And Shonen-T too.”

“What are you implying here?”

“—do you like me the way you do toward them?”

Mistakes by CoSINeRULES [NSFW WORK]

Main Pairing(s)/Character(s): Soraru x Mafumafu

Type: Oneshot

Status: Complete

Basically Mafumafu gets a dildo stuck up his ass.

Peel Back the Layers by Justanothersinger

Main Pairing(s)/Character(s): Soraru x Mafumafu

Type: Oneshot

Status: Complete

'It feels like he's stepped into a horror manga.

Now that was something he didn't think he'd be thinking today. Although...considering who he was going to see, he should've expected it, he supposed.'

Soramafu with extra extra sexual tension and high knee socks. Yep.

i’m like a star by phanstarlight [one of my all time favs]

Main Pairing(s)/Character(s): Soraru x Mafumafu

Type: Oneshot

Status: Complete

soulmate au: when you write something on your skin, it shows up on your soulmate's skin as well.

a.k.a. the really dramatic soramafu soulmate au that nobody asked for.

one step ahead by watersaugustus 

Main Pairing(s)/Character(s): Amatsuki x Itou Kashitarou

Type: Oneshot

Status: Complete

He was always one step ahead of me.

Wicked Game by yosannnnno

Main Pairing(s)/Character(s): Various

Type: Multi-chaptered

Status: Ongoing

"You just have to kill someone, you know.. You guys don't have to be sooo surprised about it, you pussies." "Killed someone? We'll go on a trial! If everyone voted for the wrong killer, everyone is dead except for the killer, and the killer will receive a prize! He gets to escape, too. But if everyone voted for the real killer, the killer is dead, and the game continues. Simple as that~" the doll continued its explanation with no hesitation, like it was a normal conversation.

-

Utaite killing game like danganronpa!!

The Bittersweet Taste of Coffee and Love by yosannnnno

Main Pairing(s)/Character(s): Aho no Sakata x Urata

Type: Oneshot

Status: Complete

"It's bitter."

"So basically it needs more sugar, right?"

"Probably!"

He can't pinpoint the taste out. It's not bad, but it's not good either. Something is just missing.

Games by yosannnnno

Main Pairing(s)/Character(s): Soraru x Mafumafu

Type: Oneshot

Status: Complete

It has been months since these two started dating. They did have some proper dates, but it's always Soraru asking him out. Mafu then took him to the arcade.

best friend by soramafu

Main Pairing(s)/Character(s): Soraru x Mafumafu

Type: Multi-chaptered

Status: Complete

"how would you describe your guy's relationship?"

desserts by soramafu

Main Pairing(s)/Character(s): Soraru x Mafumafu

Type: Oneshot

Status: Complete

in which info-san is really confused over soraru and mafu's relationship

names by soramafu

Main Pairing(s)/Character(s): Soraru x Mafumafu

Type: Oneshot

Status: Complete

the small smile Soraru gives him could light up whole universes.

(in which Soraru and Mafumafu debate over what to call each other, now that they're dating.)

from white to blue by llanfaircat

Main Pairing(s)/Character(s): Soraru x Mafumafu

Type: Multi-chaptered

Status: Ongoing

“He survived the witch-burning by hiding in a swordsman’s tower, which made things a lot more complicated.”

or the story where Mafumafu is a witch, Soraru is not supposed to be alive, and Kashitaro and Amatsuki are just kind of awkwardly stalking them so that the two of them don't die before they can save the world

dream fireworks by llanfaircat

Main Pairing(s)/Character(s): Soraru x Mafumafu

Type: Oneshot

Status: Complete

It's summer in Japan. After working hard for the whole year, Mafumafu and Soraru venture out together to enjoy a peaceful night of fireworks.

Hiraeth by usernqme

Main Pairing(s)/Character(s): Nqrse x Luz

Type: Multi-chaptered

Status: Ongoing

In the face of reality, Nqrse confronts his fear of rejection and exclusion. And he has no idea what will kill him first - his emotions or terminal illness. 444

Glamour by usernqme

Main Pairing(s)/Character(s): Soraru x Mafumafu

Type: Oneshot

Status: Complete

Mafumafu's heart was set on what was beyond Aokigahara 'Suicide Forest' - Mount Fuji.

Soraru misunderstands.

(To) Ignore by usernqme

Main Pairing(s)/Character(s): Soraru x Mafumafu

Type: Oneshot

Status: Complete

Real knowledge is to know the extent of one's ignorance.

Mafumafu may be ignorant, but Soraru is even more so.

Berserk by usernqme

Main Pairing(s)/Character(s): Soraru x Mafumafu

Type: Oneshot

Status: Complete

Soraru doesn't remember the first time he smokes his first joint, and Mafumafu doesn't think he'll ever be able to put the knife down.

It's ironic, how two of the most broken people could have the perfect relationship.

The You I’ve Come To Know by kanpeki_na_machigai

Main Pairing(s)/Character(s): Soraru x Mafumafu, Various

Type: Multi-chaptered

Status: Ongoing

Soraru and Mafumafu are the leaders of a rather reckless adventuring team. Unfortunately, injuries force them to stay in town, but somehow that becomes an adventure in itself.

or

Everyone has feelings for each other & theres a lot more emotional exploring than physical exploring.

the place between us by Cairin

Main Pairing(s)/Character(s): Lon-centric, Soraru x Mafumafu

Type: Oneshot

Status: Complete

In which Lon fears that Soraru and Mafumafu's evolving relationship leaves no space for her in their lives.

The Tale of Mafuyuki by ChibaWritez

Main Pairing(s)/Character(s): Soraru x Mafumafu

Type: Oneshot

Status: Complete

Once upon a time, there lived a kingdom known as the Utaite kingdom. Where everyone who lived there were gifted with special voices of their own, whether it be vibrato, soprano, alto, tenor, or baritone; everyone lives in equal and harmony.

The king, known as the ruler of the Utaite kingdom, for his name is luz.

“O mirror mirror on the wall, who has the most beautiful voice of them all?” he asks.

“My liege, the one who holds beauty of them all, is the servant of the castle by the name of Mafuyuki.” Hashiyan exclaimed.

A crossover of Snow White with the Utaite fandom.

A Day with Soraru-sensei! by ChibaWritez

Main Pairing(s)/Character(s): Soraru, Mafumafu

Type: Oneshot

Status: Complete

Soraru, as a kindergarten teacher, was tasked by his neighbor to let her son stay in for the night while she's away. Soraru accepted and watches over the young boy known as Mafu, a fellow student of his.

A funny, heartwarming bond between a teacher and a preschooler begins for a day's span!

It’s Painful by Yume_no_Mikoto

Main Pairing(s)/Character(s): Amatsuki x Hashiyan

Type: Multi-chaptered

Status: Ongoing

"It felt as if she took all his vital organs and just left him a bleeding, empty husk. Nothing would ever make him whole again, he thinks, there’s nothing left to make him whole again."

or

Hashiyan and his girlfriend separated. Amatsuki harbors feelings for his best friend

fragile by kyolea 

Main Pairing(s)/Character(s): Soraru, Luz

Type: Oneshot

Status: Complete

soraru can't bring himself to hate luz.

Whispers in the Dark by uni_purin

Main Pairing(s)/Character(s): Soraru x Mafumafu

Type: Oneshot

Status: Complete

I think I need you here, he texts fast, before he lets the phone drop between his crossed leg. He curls on himself, elbows pressed against thin thighs, and red eyes fixed on a display that it doesn’t take long, before it lights on again.

As the Seasons Pass by rashomoaninq

Main Pairing(s)/Character(s): Soraru x Mafumafu

Type: Oneshot

Status: Complete

As spring approaches, Soraru's mind starts to wander to rather bittersweet memories

Niche by IceColdLemonTea

Main Pairing(s)/Character(s): Soraru x Mafumafu

Type: Oneshot

Status: Complete

A day or two after a certain albino's death, Soraru decided to visit his now unattended apartment.