#its also really nice because a lot of these things got shared privately but now everyone can look at them if they want :3

[nyallve]

[BOMBORA 2024 COMPILATION PT. 1] January > July 15, oldest to newest

[signedkoko]

Howdy! I have to questions, one is that I was wondering if I could be 🎧 anon? Secondly I was wondering if could request Stolas x Reader and like a blurb of reader becoming a parental figure to Octavia?

Stolas X Reader [Romantic]

In which Stolas introduces you to his daughter, and how your relationship with Octavia blooms.

Stolas and you met around the same time as his divorce was going through its first stages

You yourself were getting a divorce and had recommended to him the attorney you had for handling settlements, as well as offered the support of 'hey, at least we aren't alone!'

Later, he ran into you at a formal gala, where you both indulged in getting to know one another; you joked about how your divorces went and updated one another on life

Stolas found you so easy to talk to, and he found himself a lot less stressed when he was able to share his thoughts with someone more level-headed

Your dating life comes slow as you both work around your past and try to forgive yourself for where you've ended up, but it all feels so much easier having someone with you

You are the one to make things official, inviting him to a private dinner where you confess

Even though you told him you'd wait till he was ready, Stolas was ready right then and there and gladly accepted

He is noticeably happier and has much less trouble when Stella tries to ruin his mood

When it comes to his daughter, though, he doesn't want to rush her into meeting you, and you are more than fine staying away from his home until she is ready

Stolas mentions that he is seeing someone and tells her he won't take it any further until she gives him the right of way

When she does ask to meet you, you make sure it's just the two of you and go out for brunch at a cafe you think she'll like

Octavia is also pretty harmed by her mother, so she is very reluctant to open up to you, but she knows she likes you

You are calm, never in a rush, and always go with the flow

She likes talking to you about her parents because you never seem jealous or rude, and meeting up with you eventually becomes a habit

You really win her over when you buy concert tickets and say, 'Accidentally got a second, so you really would love if she could come with you! Oh, wha! Its your favourite band? Mine too!'

You have an amazing time, and Stolas is overjoyed to see her come back chatting you up and excitedly showing off her merchandise

He hadn't seen her like that in so long

Octavia is more than happy to have you as a parent

The first time she calls you mom is an accident

It happens on your birthday when she gifts you a record of the album you both heard at your first concert together

She never stops calling you mom after, though

Author's Note - I love Octavia sm she deserves a NICE HAPPY AND HEALTHY HOME RN!! RIGHT NOW!!! And welcome to the blog anon!! I added you so long ago and I feel so bad for the wait you had to go through,,,plz forgive me,,,,

[chrisemrysfics]

Hello!

I have a life update to make as it might impact my online presence as well as my ability to do stuff on my blogs, or my original writing too. Though don't worry, it's a nice life update!

So first: I've been dating someone for a few months, although we haven't been able to see each other often, so its still pretty early stages. They don't know yet I'm neither cis nor trans, or that I'm polyam, which played a part in why I didn't really share about it before. I also simply prefered to keep this private until I felt like sharing about it.

I'm sharing now because the situation is changing for all of us. My boyfriend, a few days ago, got his driving license suspended (he went above the speed limit while overtaking a car), and his job in turn wants to fire him. With his son depending on him and living in a small village, meaning work would be very hard to find without the ability to drive a car, and him also having been wanting for a while to move out of his village and into my town (independently from our relation), my mom and I told him he could come live with us. He had a place in his village, but like mentioned, without work and with a kid dependent on him, it was a really hard hit for him ::

So yeah, we've started the process of having his kid be enlisted in my town, his jobs needed to give him a few hours of work before being able to have an "agreement split" (which honestly is better for him as it'll allow him to have help, as opposed to being straight up fired or him leaving it), so he has some back and forth to do between his work and moving his things to our home. His last hours of work will be on February 14th (yeah, I know XD), he means to use February holidays as the moment he'll remove his son from the village school and put him in one of our town school, and then of course we will see how things settle.

So yeah, maybe it might not cause any "visible change", but it's likely that my presence will be quieter during the move and things settling down, and who knows after, for all I know I might develop new priorities and/or habits. With that said, I do love my blogs, I unwind a lot by lurking around, and sooner or later things will truly cement, so I know eventually I'll balance everything out in a way that works for me.

So wish me luck, and see you around!

[crestedplumage]

i was looking at some old twitter accounts for some people who were also bradford buzzard fans, and kinda sad to see either they've been deleted or privated. and i know the other like two fans ive known and i think are still active here, but there is some animosity. and you know what, that is sad.

it's been awhile and i think im ready to share the story on here.

I'll be adding the usernames on the bottom.

there are a few people in this story. lets start with a user, lets call her abby. now abby had messaged me a lot on twitter and i got interested in her, wanted to connect over bradford from ducktales. i sent her a link to a friend's discord server and welp, abby started to go a bit too apeshit. she was not liked, and i would have to say, i didnt like her much either.

came to a point both her and my friend got into a tiff and i was in the middle. i tried to encourage abby to leave, but she wanted friends, and she cried to me. i felt so bad. in the middle of all this, i had made a server for bradford icons, and well. she got in there, i gave the link, she wanted to start over and welp, she invited a bunch of other bradford fans i did not know then.

in hindsight it was a very very very bad idea. i didnt know these people. and most of all, i let this person hijack my server bc i felt guilty for her crying.

things started to south. lets add two more people here. brittney and cate. now, most of these people who are on this bradford server were into roleplaying him.

i was not a roleplayer, i was into fanfic. i wanted these people to hear my fanfic idea out. so me, abby, brittney and cate go onto vc. now brittney has an rp account, roleplaying bradford. ive barely interacted with these people. and britt was just going on and on and on and on about herself and her backstory and how that related to bradford (of all people).

some red flags stuck out. for one, she was hogging the conversation, me, cate, and abby were silent and i could barely get a word in edgewise. now the big bombshell: britt just outright tells us she has a cluster b personality disorder. now normally this would be fine, except for how she conducted herself with us.

i finally edged my way to speak about my story. at this time, i really wanted britt's admiration. her blog was huge and it inspired others. but one thing i didnt want to tell her was that many of her posts were trite. including one post where she used the entirety of the song "because of you" by kelly clarkson, and when i pointed that out to her, she tripped over her words saying "uhhh well-" and then meanders into a different point. another red flag.

but that was afterwards. here as i said i tried to say a word in edgewise - britt shuts up for the entire conversation. cate at least seemed to like my words. britt steps off, icon goes on "do not disturb" and me and cate speak late into the night. it was nice.

i get concerned for britt - i message her to make sure shes alright. apprantly she was not - she was hurt i "insulted her friend" by saying that stealbeak in the reboot was an idiot and that her friend supposedly rped as stealbeak. the others had tried to correct me apprantly, saying he was smart and stuff but i was like. what??

i apologized, and i began to get scared my reputation in the fandom is down the toilet for insulting its queen. next night, another vc. again she hogs the conversation. i wanted to teach a lesson. i get in between again to say something at least. she says some woe about being buried alive and abused and almost being killed. i am starting not to believe this hooey. i am starting to think she was saying all this for attention (esp since her personality disorder is based on getting attention). the other two were taking this all up with no hesitation.

she got silent again. i message her next day, she was insulted i "interrupted her". she went ahead to spam post her roleplays onto the server, begging for attention. i dreadfully did not like that and thought of banning her forthright.

this woman, this woman in her 30s scared me. awfully shitless. i never want to meet this person again. because of who she is, she was unpredictable. i was scared she'd self harm bc of me not acknowledging her posts.

next day, i was sent a link to a post by britt from abby. it was a post that said that britt would delete her blog bc she didnt feel like she belonged in the fandom.

i was heartbroken, and i was panicking. i had a panic attack. i cried for three days, couldnt eat, couldnt sleep. i thought of her all weekend. of the one person i never wanted to make unhappy.

more things happended. i tried to get her to think i was harmless. i tried appeasing, and i was very fawning. i would not wish this to my worst enemy.

i wanted to tell her how i felt, that i was sorry, so sorry. she had said it was fine, but i didnt believe her. i didnt know then i had harm and guilt ocd. none of these reassurances mattered. i needed her to tell me "i forgive you" and to never harm me again.

she was nice to me, but idk if it was that she was pretending to me like this or was trying to isolate me from the group. britt repeatedly told me how much she disliked the other artists in the fandom, how jealous she was of them, how she hated them, and how much she disliked abby for following her around everywhere. it makes me wonder if she said all this to just get me closer to her control.

eventually it went to a heavy boil where i saw an artist show bradford being shipped with an oc. it was cute art, but i was super jealous bc i shipped myself with him. but again, i wanted to make an inclusive environment for all, so i commented how this person's image is now stuck on my mind in a positive way.

britt messaged me. why was this person's art stuck in MY mind and not HER art?? how dare i like someone else's art that wasnt hers. how dare i enjoy something outside herself. to the point she pointedly asked WHY. i was deathly afraid. something very personal and sexual came out of me, i said it to steer her away from me.

i was violated sexually.

i had tried telling cate, the only other person then who seemed to like me, to stay away from britt. but she did not hear me. she wanted no part in this "Drama". she even asked me to apologize to britt. i NEEDED cate to listen to me. i didnt want her to be hurt by britt. i had left the server and still spoke to britt bc i was afraid of saying no to her. i gave over the server to abby, though she didnt know how to manage it. i didnt want to just run, i wanted to leave this planet. the thing i wanted to do most, make an inclusive environment for all, went down bad. very very bad. what kind of ally was i.

i was miserable. i was horrible. me and cate dated for like a week before she tells me she lied about having a crush on me. i wanted to be close with her, be with her. i thought she loved me. i broke it up after she told me she was aro, and thats when i dumped on britt how much GUILT i had. she responded with something but i had no more stamina to stay. she unfriended me and left the server.

i tried to stay with cate. i had already also cut off then went back to abby on account of cate's guilt tripping towards my behavior. I then broke it off one last time. abby had spoken of my friends horribly, and sent me some very concerning messages about both her own mental health, and anti-semitic memes where i was disturbed to see messages from her.

i was lost and i was feeling so bad. i had tried to tell these girls what horrible things britt had done to me, but i was afraid to share screenshots on account of it being a violation of privacy. even now i have a hard time with it. i had saved copies of them but had them deleted.

i didnt want these horrible things to happen to cate. when i told her what i had done, she accused me having borderline personality disorder, and to stay away from her. blocked me even after telling me she'd get back to me. what betrayal.

the one person i loved from this life gone. the people who i thought would be life long companions: gone. i couldnt stand looking at my old posts on my blog, my vulnerable messages with cate, so i left. made this one. i dont want these people harming anyone else. but i know how many followers they have. i dont want their ire. i want people to know they are safe away from these individuals.

i can not stand this. i want to be open but i am scared. im so afraid of these people telling others im a liar, or that i am manipulator. that im the bad guy who messed everything up, because *I* lost *them*.

i am still getting through this experience with a therapist. all i am afraid of is britt using her flying monkeys to try and kill my online persona, as if it wasnt at this point. this person took it all away from me, and i *let* her. because i was scared. instead of seeing the bullshit and just saying sayonara from the beginning.

ive since been blocked by cate. and last i checked, she seems to be doing well. i am sad she never asked me to confirm my own fucking mental illnesses before saying fuck you bye. she even uses her art present to me as her own icon and edited it so my version of brad isnt there. how disgusting can you be. it still makes me cry. said user is also a libertarian and believes in book banning lgbt+ books such as heartstopper. these are all far right beliefs, and she watches fox news. how hypocritical for someone who's a bi aroace. how sad.

i want people on here to not be afraid and to block these individuals.

i think i am ready to name them, i will not @ them. I'm ready to move on. if they message me or if any of their friends message me, i will delete them. ive already blocked these individuals. you should too.

if they message me through puppet acounts, they will be blocked and deleted too. ive never done a "call out post" but im done with this. i am afraid of the consequnces, true, but i want people to understand.

abby is shadowjinx626 britt is sympathy-for-the-damned and cate is milliegriffin / thelostlibrary rp i had roleplayed an entire story with millie and its been a year and i have no idea what she did with it. i hope you all know what youve done. im tired of being the "big person" and not doing anything about this, instead keeping it to myself. i want you all to know.

[the-obnoxious-sibling]

You just become one of my favourite tumblr accounts. Please share more shuggy headcanons

I also adore your translations nitpicking. My favourite moments are when you ask for original panels. I could read them over and over. Sorry for being creepy.

aw, thank you! that’s not creepy at all, it’s very sweet. (and i’m glad somebody enjoys my nitpicking! i’d do it regardless but still—)

here’s a couple headcanons for you, since you asked so nicely—but below the cut because, as often happens, i got wordy:

in the au where shanks gets buggy to stay with his crew, the incident that got shanks his first bounty and the incident that caused items #4 and #5 to be added to that list are the same incident. (a member of his crew getting arrested was a bit of a trigger for shanks at the time, never mind that the marines had no idea who it was they’d arrested. it’s fine, they manage to repair the building eventually. well, repair… rebuild… same difference.)

i am a “the chapter 581 cover image is a canon event” truther, even though the timing is tricky to make work. in my mind, while shanks is waiting to hear back about acquiring some land in sphinx and buggy is waiting to hear back from alvida et al about where to meet up, shanks convinces buggy to come with him into town on the island where the red force and a couple whitebeard ships that survived marineford have docked. (the impel down guys think this is for a private, elite, captain-to-captain conversation; galdino is mildly concerned buggy won't be coming back alive.) they spot the oden restaurant and its tourist-bait gift shop and buy a couple shirts and the lunch special on a nostalgic whim, and spend the afternoon getting lightly buzzed, reminiscing about the old days, and speculating about how things are going in wano. it’s nice. it’s the nicest it’s been between them in at least twenty-two years. (probably twenty-three. that last year, after the crew disbanded, was… hard, on both of them.) neither of them ever speaks of that afternoon or that meal to anyone, but when the news of shogun momonosuke comes out they each spend a subdued day thinking about it and getting a little more than buzzed.

i could be real self-indulgent and tell you about the kidfic i am doing my damnedest not to write, but i won't. unless…

in a future where the one piece is not meant for either of them and retirement, such as it is, is both possible and desired, shanks and buggy do a lot of traveling together. they visit wano and see momo and hiyori (who don’t really remember them) and meet yamato (who recognizes them instantly from oden’s journal). they visit skypeia and buggy nearly convinces someone that he’s very good friends with that monkey d luffy guy and will definitely give him that big ol’ golden pillar of yours… thankfully (?) shanks is there to stop this. they visit the north and south poles and settle that argument once and for all (though buggy will always insist shanks cheated somehow). they visit a dozen other islands they remember fondly. they visit rayleigh and get absolutely wasted together, and maybe rayleigh gives them a few leads on other surviving roger pirates and they visit them too. and once they’ve visited all of them, they visit roger’s grave—the real one, not whatever propagandist tomb the navy set up to further defame him in death. the things they say to him are best left between the three of them. and then they acquire a good map, circle every island on it they don’t recognize by name, and start visiting those. making new memories together, now that they’re done chasing down old ones.

[darcytaylor]

I love the way you respond to asks and your deep dives about the dumpster fire that’s going on with Luke Newton right now! You are very respectful in your opinions and don’t put anyone down even when you don’t agree with them and that’s so refreshing to see, especially right now when so many are freaking out about so much. I do think there attraction between him and Nic and I still hope they find their way to each other when he finally matures, but mostly I hope he sorts himself for himself because he’s so talented and I’d hate to see it wasted.

But what I really want to talk about is the season and especially the deleted scenes. I was sad at first watch of the back half, but grew to love it when I rewatched it as a whole, however the ending was so abrupt and even though everything was wrapped in a neat little bow ultimately unsatisfying, and for me it’s because we didn’t see any intimacy between reconciliation and the epilogue. The riding scene was nice, but not enough and I truly think of they’d just left the montage there or even just another scene of them in bed after happy it would have made all the difference, to me at least.

I'd love a deep dive or just your opinion into if Netflix ever releases deleted scenes for shoes. Do you think the petition could make a difference? I don't see how releasing at least some of the scenes would be a bad decision. Even as damage control for the LN situation, it would pull focus on happy Polin instead LN's messy private life. I'd love to hear your thoughts.

Thank you for your kind words. I always try to see other peoples point of view, even when I may not agree fully. I also understand why people are very angry and may just want to vent their frustrations. When people are voicing their opinions and sharing their thoughts, its a form of therapy. Which can be a good and healthy thing to do!

I didn't hate season 3 at all! I thought there were a lot of good qualities about it. And I agree with your take on the season as a whole. Do I still want to see more Colin and Penelope scenes? ALWAYS!! hahahah. I think you are correct that they should have added something else, and that it seemed not as complete as it should have. If there was at least one more intimacy scene that shows them talking throughout (once they have made up), it could have made all of the difference.

I have said that GOT has humbled me as a television viewer. It would take a lot more mistakes in season 3 for me to hate it!

I remember the days (and maybe you do to) when television shows were brought out on DVDs - there were always extra features and most of them included deleted scenes. It could be something that Netflix could make a profit out of (even though I don't think they need more money ahhaha).

I think that with every petition there is a chance of it going nowhere. But if you don't try, it will also go nowhere.

I believe that I mentioned it somewhere else, that it could be a good form of damage control. But we will just have to wait and see!

[alaskasbignaturals]

If you're up for it, I would love to hear ny/ma rambles. Like, just go absolutely bonkers

hehe youre enabling me jkhsdfa

this post got really long so uh its gonna be all under the cut teehee

honestly i think that theyre the typa couple that acts divorced but they have a super healthy relationship they just like to goof around and know each others boundaries

they both know what triggers the other and stays away from those type of things. they can be soft and will do it mostly in private bc they have a reputation to uphold but when the situation calls for it they wont hesitate to be comforting and soft out in the open.

also because mass was raising maine, when mass made like a good decision and said no to something maine would run and complain to york and york would saunter in all like hey the kid can have another cookie before bed! and mass is like bro PLEASE he will be off the walls i wont get any sleep please and york gives it to him anyways and then mass leaves him to suffer the consequences of his own actions hehehe.

i also think that since both the mta and mbta have their issues they will argue over which one is worse not better. and it will usually end in mass winning bc the mbta is the oldest subway system in the country and so a LOT of it still hasn't been updated bc of the constraints of the layout of the cities and towns. and york accepts defeat but basically goes "ok lets get you to bed grandpa" akljsdfhas

OH ALSO both mass and ny are very pigeon populated so id like to think they send messages with pigeons for fun :3 they can text but its nice to send a letter by pigeon once in a while, and it can also lead to some silly shenanigans.

mass once took york on the swan boats during the spring and then after that they walked through all the flowers and sat on the grass under a willow tree next to the water listening to the musicians and watching the painters and york nearly bawled bc it was so peaceful and beautiful.

similarly for new years york takes him right into times square for the ball drop and they get front row seats and have so much fun and share a kiss as the ball drops and every year they save the glasses and confetti as a souvenir.

id also like to think that york is a skier and mass snowboards. so they go together and do runs together in the winter. they go nightskiing/boarding as well which is always so much fun, doing tricks and flips in the dark illuminated by the spotlights. and then after they go to the lounge and drink cocoa and have waffles (for some reason waffles have been served at every ski mountain I've been too in new england)

they both have some of the best ballet companies as well. so they both dance very well. no this is not me self indulging as a person who did ballet since i was five what are you talking about. they both will attend each others nutcrackers every wintertime and they love dancing with each other. they will put on the soundtrack in their homes and dance out each scene together (i do this also bc i am deranged and mentally ill and i love the nutcracker <333)(its a good workout)

both the states excel in a lot of things so they love to do those things together ig is the gist of all that aksljdfhas

oh yeah and they both LOVE hugs, big ol squeezes. and they can just stand there for a long time. in comfortable silence. <3

i think thats all the ideas i have for now but there will always be more hehe

[miscling]

Nora asked for a message but I thought it might enjoy this more

📝 it's chastity mantra on it's lower belly

💖 as many colours as it can find all over it's face (or a limb of it's choice if it needs to talk to people today)

🗣 how is it enjoying being locked

🗜🗜🗜

⚡⚡⚡ wherever hurts most of course

👗🤐👗🤐👗🤐👗🤐 at the same time and a ballgag (if it's jaw will be OK)

🪢🖐👣🖐👣🖐👣 implement is a cane

💚💚💚 (that's not a task, just affection)

naked and gagged at the moment! it's time to write a post! (two hours isn't too long for the gag, have had it in longer!) started at 18:15

gonna need its nestie's help for a lot of this, but thankfully they're down to help!

in a moment, it's gonna call them over, and ask them to write its chastity mantra on its tummy, then draw hearts all over its face! it'll take some pictures it can share privately.

This thing belongs in chastity, its cunt knows where it belongs!

then it will ask them to attach and lock victim's thick collar and cuffs on its arms and legs, make it attach the tens unit to its inner thighs and nipple clamps, and set the tens unit going, then to lock its feet together, and its wrists to the rings on the side of its collar, and make note of the time. it'll ask them to put the rubber bands on its feet and alternate 10 snaps and 10 cane strikes to the backs of its legs until it's had 30 of each, and not let it out until they're done with that and whatever else they think it'd enjoy (and taken some pictures again). we know it's not rope, specifically, but this is easier for them.

it's also going to ask them if there's any special treats they want to add to the mix, which they should tell it to go fetch now, it has some new hitty things they can try (you know it will just get them now...) note: they didn't send it for anything else.

and yeah, it wrote all this out because it's gagged and needed to explain what to do!

it's got some nice bruises forming now from the cane hits. our nestie's aim is not the best though and they have no dominance at all (it's not really sure how to help them with this tbh), it's sure y'all would still be torturing this thing if you were here, but this was a nice treat! it's glad they were willing to help and it appreciates them trying their best!

it'll answer the 🗣️ in a separate post! it's still got about 45 minutes in the nude and in its gag

[fump-2]

History lesson

In the beginning there was r/195. Initially it was started as a way for like 3 roommates to share memes with each other. Their apartment number? 195.

As with any shitposting subreddit people find it and they shitpost. It grew semi-quickly because of its one rule, you have to post something before you leave.

Naturally there are more secret rules. This is obvious as reddit has some guidlines they like to keep, but the guy who made the subreddit from the beginning also removed things he didn't like. What's important is that they deleted a lot of bigotry. The result of him removing things was of course death threats.

Eventually the threats became too much, it was one person dealing with a hoard of edgy 15 year olds mad that their bigotry was being deleted. The apartments lease already passed so while a new community grew around this subreddit, he decided to hang it up. After a couple hundred days, the expirement ended. 195 was closed.

The community moves next door, to 196. The apartment of awesome.

The decisions those initial creators had stuck with this community, you have to post after scrolling before you leave. The community was already shappen though, the initial creator didn't like bigotry and the likes so that stuck with the new mod team.

During this time of course there's discorse. Wasp discorse, pillar discord, british people discorse. But there was never discorse about lgbtq+. It was common for a while to have posts about kicking terfs out of 196, only for there to be discorse about posting those images for karma farming.

Because of all this, that small preference from an initial guy, 196 was just a safe space for trans and nb and anyone else really (except british people, i think one person got doxxed for being british). Soon enough it just became the spot for them. Trans people attract trans people.

There's a whole lot more that could be added. The cake fucker, the fruit fucker, the pasta fucker (All one person by the way). The love of bridget from guilty gear and the slow brain rot of remembering her name (brisket, bronco, bringo). And lets not forget floppa friday.

In the end the mods decided to private it for now. They use mod tools that will probably break and a lot of problems are going to come out of new API changes from reddit so half the website went dark. The site is basically unusable for what I would check on it with all the subreddits down.

It was nice watching the evolution of 196. I was there from the start and I watched as it became gayer and gayer. I never really posted either (which was against the rule), nor am I trans/gay/secret thing. I'm a straight white male and seeing all the little gay people in my phone find and accept themselves for who they are made me very joyful. It also helped change my thinking to make sure I dont do anything bigoted while out in public.

Thank you 196. may you rest peacefully and may you live to see your resurgence.

(disclaimer some of this stuff may be wrong. dont use it as gospel. r/19684 still exist as an offchute with the same mods if you need a better account of the history.)

[keepingthehopealive]

Emdr intensive session #1.

I want to write about this. May end up making it private or even deleting it, but right now sharing feels ok and safer. This is basically what I wrote to my therapist PT (main therapist) after the session with ET (emdr therapist)

The freeze was immediate and extreme. I went in and immediately curled up quite a bit and didn't make eye contact or engage. There wasn't any judgement about me not making eye contact and ET did a lot to show and tell me how it was OK. I think it kind of helped that ET knew it going in so she addressed it immediately. It was an interesting balance of her not immediately trying to save me from it or push me out of it jumping into conversation or questions, but also not leaving me stuck in it. She gave me a couple fidgits to play with while we talked and talked through some small movements with varried success on my part. I spent most of the 3 hours in the freeze, but to varrying levels. ET told me right from the start that she has experienced tonic immobility and freeze before and that she does understand it. She also later said she has worked with multiple clients with dissociative presentations and freeze.

When we were talking about the dogs or work, I felt some moments of reprieve. I didn't really "lose" my voice till the last half hour but I was able to push through it. Towards the end, I also started getting really bad stomach pain and cramps. My body feels depleted and in pain today, which isn't a foreign experience for me, but feels quite extreme. I crashed hard after session yesterday and am glad I have the weekend off, since I don't think I'd be able to jump back into work after the session.

We talked a lot about the freeze and she tried different things to get me to move and work with it. I of course was a failure and couldn't do much of anything she suggested or asked of me, even the tiny things like closing my eyes or small movements. Its reinforcing the hopelessness and pointlessness of doing all this because I cant even fucking try. I know it wouldn't have been a reasonable expectation that I'd suddenly be able to do something different, it just feels so shameful, especially as I'm now spiraling over some of the things that I (should have, wish I could have, wanted to etc) try when ET suggested or asked me to try. Especially when she tried showing an EMDR technique to try (flash technique). I wanted to scream at myself that its the whole fucking point and how im a weak failure and wasting everyone's time if I cant even try.

We talked a lot about protective parts and defenses and identified some of the big ones for me which were the freeze, (skin) picking and then the "I cant". I felt like it did weave into a lot of history taking too, and we covered a lot, but it didnt feel too intake-ey.

ET did a lot of psychoeducation, a lot of stuff that felt familiar to me and I already knew (which she was validating about and respected and didn't talk down to me) but some from a different lens with parts work. Shame made those parts of the conversations really hard to engage with. It wasn't that they didn't feel relevant or land with me it was the thoughts about how it shouldnt land for me and I don't have trauma or deserve it. One of those exercises was thinking about the fearful part and how old it is/what it needs to loosen the grip on some of the defenses. That was where the "I cant" came in full force and I couldn't engage or even try. It was also very hard to engage at all with what was happening in my body.

I felt that ET was way too nice and validating. In the begining it felt more infantalizing and like fake niceness but I don't think it was. It was just her going slow and not pushing me, probably made worse by the fact that I walked in and immediately froze and all the defenses came up (so damage control on her part basically). It got a bit better as the session progressed, and I communicated it in the way I could. I actually used what you had said about how deliberate validation and reassurance doesn't work well for me but I do better with genuineness. Even before I said or communicated any of that, ET had already self disclosed that she's experienced the freeze and tonic immobility before. I ultimately felt she was genuine but still too nice. She kept saying "its fine", particularly when I was shame spiraling, and I pushed back. ET's response was that it was fine for her, even if it wasn't for me.

Other stuff:

ET does both EMDR and parts work so a lot of what we talked about was more parts work based. she mentioned doing a "map" but we only got as far as making a list of the protective parts coming up as there was a lot to talk about there. She also talked a lot about the polyvagal theory, window of tolerance and how I am alternating between hypo and hyperarousal but never in that window of tolerance. PT does ACT and said they've reframed it as "window of flexibility" where its the state where you feel and are able to make decisions.

Another thing ET said when I was talking about my mother is the term "emotional incest" which I've never heard but she explained and I looked up after is similar to enmeshment. The bit that I looked up is very relevant to my relationship with my mom.

My HW is a resourcing/anchoring activity of thinking of times, people, places etc where I have felt that sense of safety or neutrality in my body and in myself. Im going to write about it separately I think because PT and I have been working through it together, which has been helpful and interesting.

I see ET again in about a week and half so it'll be 3 weeks between the appointments. Im not sure what will be after that as that is what we booked so far. Its already been hard and intense, but i at least think I want to keep trying for the time being since it is a different approach and something new.

[chicspo]

hey lolaaa, it’s the anon that asked advice for being curious about the boy in my class despite being in a serious 2 year relationship. i wanted to update you and hear your thoughts on everything lol. :) ♡

after a lot of thinking, i wasn’t sure how good of an idea it was to risk everything i have with my bf, but i also realized that it wouldn’t kill to get to know him either and maybe even just befriend him. he stayed back after class to ask the professor a question that i knew i could help with. i didn’t think much of it, but i privately messaged him on canvas what he had to do. although i didn’t get a response, i bumped into him after tutoring and stopped to ask him if he got my message, and he was like, “wait where? i don’t have whatsapp. my dad doesn’t let me have whatsapp.” 😭 i told him everything he needed to know and we parted ways. i was studying alone in the library and he was with his friends on the other side of the library, but he tried to get my attention and waved at me, gesturing me to come over. i came over and he asked me, “why are you sitting alone? you can join, if you’d like” and he pulled a chair over for me to sit next to him. i didn’t do much talking bc i really wanted to know more about him. thankfully, he’s a yapper, which made me more comfortable. he said so many things, but i found out he’s younger by 2 years (explains why his dad is so strict and he has no social media lol). he’s not even supposed to be in college yet, but got in because he’s highly intelligent, along with his friends. we had the next class together, so he walked with me to there and asked more about me. during class, i constantly saw him glancing at me in the corner of my eye despite us not being in the same group or table. he doesn’t even sit near me, but at the end of class, i saw him stand behind my seat. he waited for my guy friend to leave to ask me for my # and played it off by saying, “hey, i wanted to ask you for your # just in case my group and i had questions.” i gave him my # and didn’t really expect him to text me. he texted me the day after about the class, but then just started talking to me about random things about 3D printing, movies, shows, interests, etc. he did open up to me emotionally about his dad has having a role in his depression, which i appreciated that he felt comfortable enough with to me share.

all in all, i always thought of him as a bright, energetic, and talkative person. talking to him more made me realize that despite having more time for growth bc he’s still maturing and young, there’s more layers to him. we also don’t really have too many things in common, sadly, but i think it’s nice that he shares little to bigger details with me. he did briefly say he was talking to someone too though. ironically, i’m not sure if i took it too well, but i’m working on knowing my self worth and not to get too attached. if anything, i’ll just wing it and maybe entertain it, but nothing too crazy. anyway, thank you so much for always listening. i know it’s a lot, but i appreciate your time, always. love you sm, hope you’re having a good day. 🫶🏻🫶🏻

omgggg well anyway hes younger so it couldnt really go anywhere. but see how going for it and getting to know him diluted any doubts u had? its better now that u know

[los-ninos-tortugas]

Time for some "Set a Course for Home" angst (also this thing fought me tooth and nail for real for real. I had to rewrite it so many times)

I don't normally do Hurt no Comfort but I'm feeling particularly evil >:3c

~~~~~

Donnie's in good company, all things considered. He's a lost kid, on a lost ship, with its lost crew. Donnie doesn't really do feelings, that's Mikey's area of expertise. But Donnie doesn't need to be Doctor Feelings to know that there's a subtle miasma of melancholy that pervades the ship.

Most days it's pretty imperceptible, buried beneath work, exploration, and seeing things no other starship has such that the camaraderie of another day gone by is just enough to forget just how many days there are still left ahead.

But sometimes there are no new planets to explore, or the work is simple tedium that keeps the hands busy but not the mind, when there's nothing to do but fly in a straight line through space, camaraderie starts to look a lot more like commiseration.

Donnie learned very quickly that when these sorts of dry spells occur, Neelix takes his role as "Morale Officer" very seriously. This is typically marked by a sudden increase in Earth based recipes appear in the mess hall, holidays celebrated whether or not it's actually the time of year for them, and a myriad of other activities he claims "brings home a little bit closer." Neelix's perpetually chipper disposition seems to have a polarizing effect on the crew. Some do seem to find it a genuine balm to their nerves, while others find it all the more grating since the man has never been to Earth and has no idea what he's missing.

Donnie is not really in either camp, he tends to just take a page from Tuvok's book and just ignores Neelix whenever he doesn't particularly feel like engaging with him. Which is how Donnie finds himself now, in the mess hall sitting a little ways away from a group of the former camp. Not really participating but present nonetheless. Really the reason Donnie doesn't move is because the mess hall has the best windows for viewing the stars.

The crew didn’t quite share his enthusiasm for stargazing, fair enough, they see them every day. Donnie on the other hand grew up in a sewer beneath one of the most light polluted cities on the planet, sue him if he likes looking at the stars up close and personal. The light from these stars would take years to reach Earth, but he can see them right in front of him now. Vaguely, he wonders how old these stars are. He wonders if when he got back to his own time, he’d be able to find a spot with his brothers, where the night sky was clear and glittering, if he could point out which stars he saw out here in the Delta quadrant. Logically, he knows he couldn’t pinpoint the exact stars with his limited view on Earth but it’s still nice to think he could share even a little bit of what he’s gotten to experience here.

So Donnie curls up on a plush chair he dragged over by the window and watches them go by. He gives a few of them names just for fun, and even makes a private game of making up new constellations as quick as he can before the ship completely whizzes by them. All in all he’s just chilling, meanwhile the group over by the couches and low tables seem to be having a pretty nice time as well. Chatting and giggles echo over from their spot. Donnie’s not sure who all is there, he hasn’t learned the name of everyone on the ship, but he recognizes the voices of Harry Kim, Tom Paris, and B’Elanna Torres. Those three are never seen too far from each other when they’re off duty.

Donnie isn’t super paying attention to what it is they’re talking about, but he’s gleaned enough to know they’re talking about Earth, which he’s mildly sure that they’re supposed to watch their mouths around him about that because of the ‘Temporal Prime Directive’ or whatever. Evidently it seems whatever it is about Earth they’re talking about right now has been deemed safe for the space time continuum. 

Apparently so safe that Tom actually steps out of their little conversation bubble to bring Donnie into it.

“Hey kiddo,” he says as he sidles up to Donnie. Tom offers him a glass of what turns out to be ginger ale. Not his favorite but he’ll take it. “You wanna keep brooding over here all by your lonesome or do you wanna come over there and show off a little?” 

“First of all, I’m not ‘brooding’ as you say, I’m stargazing. Second of all, show off how?” Alright so he’s taking the bait. In a time where people do pre-calc in kindergarden the chances for him to show off don’t come quite as often as back home, so he’ll take them where he can get them.

“Well the gang over there is quizzing me on ancient Earth trivia- I consider myself a little bit of an expert on the twentieth and twenty-first centuries.”

“My century qualifies as ancient to you?” he asks incredulously. Tom puts his hands up in mock surrender.“Listen I just figure, what better way to test how much of an expert I really am than by having someone from that time judge my knowledge. C’mon, whaddaya say?” Tom smirks as he jerks a thumb back towards the little circle behind him.

Donnie matches the smug look with one of his own, "Alright, bet."

"We're not betting, Donnie, just a friendly trivia game."

"Aaand you have already lost points, if you consider yourself an expert but you don't even know the slang then you're in trouble."

Tom rolls his eyes as they rejoin the group.

"Keep in mind," Donnie says, taking his seat, "nothing after 2020, that's as far as I know."

Even Donnie has to admit, Tom's knowledge is quite impressive. Though for a hobbyist Donnie has no idea why Tom knows the chemical composition of gasoline off the top of his head. His movie knowledge is truly encyclopedic (though frustratingly no one brings up any Lou Jitsu or Jupiter Jim movies, there's no accounting for taste it seems). If he does miss something it's usually little things, like when people actually said "groovy."

Things go like that for a while, the topics always sticking towards light things like technology and pop-culture, until one science officer pipes up with:

"Alright Tom, what was the name of Khan's escape ship?"

Tom suddenly looks like he bit right into a lemon. "Hey, there's a kid here, keep it light wouldya? Also that's not fair he wouldn't know that anyway, no one knew until Kirk found it."

Donnie has the distinct feeling of missing some piece of the puzzle here, apparently they've broached some sort of taboo subject?

Donnie desperately wants to ask for someone to elaborate, but the moment has passed. The science officer, thoroughly cowed by the apparent impropriety of her question quickly changes it to a new subject, which Tom quickly rattles off the correct answer to. And so it goes on.

~~~~~~~

Later, long after everyone else has gone to bed or taken up their night-shift duties, Donnie sits alone by the window. His data PADD is held loosely in his grip. He's just barely able to keep a hold of it as he fights back his body's urge to tremble.

He's been researching for a while.

He got curious after the little game ended. He looked up the name 'Khan.' He found a legacy of war, bloodshed, and tyranny. He found humanity at its darkest hour. He finds a history that isn't his.

Donnie's favorite subject has never been history but he knows that these... Eugenics Wars never happened.

He thought he time traveled. They all thought he time traveled. Donnie curls and hugs his knees to his chest as cold realization washes over him. This is not the future of his reality. He is not in his reality.

The stars fly by in streaking blurs of light out the window. Their light will take years to reach an Earth he was not born on.

Donnie brushes his cheek and his fingers come away wet as the truth of his situation crashes down.

He is a lost, lost kid, on a lost starship, flying through stars that are not his, and home has never been so far away.

Next -> (tba)

[whats-wild-to-you]

OMG hii ur back 😍 can i request? I thought about this when Jay was on tour but u were away too so I didnt want to bother u

can u write one for Jay’s POV when he finds a letter that u stuffed in between his clothes before he left for tour? like the letter is u wishing him well, asking him to rest and not work himself too hard, basically sappy fluff to make me cry

oh .. the feels 🥹🥹🥹

I guess you mean the Won Soju tour? Which, side note, is a BRILLIANT idea! When he mentioned it that he should maybe do a Won Soju tour instead of a ‘regular’ one … genius entrepreneurial mind at work 😍

Anywayyyyyyy…

______________________________________________

I dragged my suitcase inside the hotel room, kicking the door close with my foot. Suddenly being back home, in the U.S., felt bittersweet. On one hand I was dying to meet up with my friends again, on the other hand I kept thinking about who I left behind.

It's only been a couple months since we started dating, but she had already become a vital part in my life. Against my intuition, my strong will to separate business from private life, I found myself turning to her whenever I needed advice or a second opinion.

She would often stay over or I would sometimes crash at her place and we'd be like an old married couple, sharing chores and falling asleep next to each other in front of the tv.

Sighing, I immediately took out my phone to text her. Chuckling to myself, because she didn't demand it, but I felt the need to keep her updated nonetheless.

I'm in L.A. in my hotel room. Looks pretty nice. Kinda empty though.

I added a photo of the view and a selfie of me looking all mopey. After a minute I got a text back.

You'll do great. Fighting!

I was hoping for a more heartfelt response but remembered the time difference. She was probably at work right now and couldn't send lengthy texts.

My manager came in to check on me and told me we would be heading to the venue in a hour. I wanted nothing more than to take a nap but another text fron her made me jump in excitement.

I put a couple packets of your favorite ramen in your suitcase so you wouldn't get too homesick. It would be better if you took them out before you crush them.

Smirking at how well my wifey was taking care of me, I bent down, weeding through my clothes. Instead of ramen, I found a red envelope. Curious to see what it was, I took out a handwritten letter.

Hey babe, by now I think you've realized there's no ramen. Sorry for the fib. I just know how you never unpack, so I had to get you to go through your stuff to find this. I know I told you I didn't mind you traveling a lot, and I really don't, but I still miss the hell out of you! We've only been together for a short time but I can't imagine being away from you for too long. Why I didn't tell you all those things when we said our goodbyes you ask? Well, I didn't want to be clingy, or make you worry. I wanted you to enjoy your trip. I know it's mainly work, but I saw how excited you were to do this and I wanted you to have the best time ever! But please remember not too overwork yourself, cause I also know you tend to do that too. I'll be there with you in spirit, so whenever you feel anxious or nervous, imagine I'm right beside you, squeezing your hand reassuringly. Try not to miss me too much, and I promise you I'll do the same. When you come back I'll be waiting for you with your favorite food. Until then, with love. xxx

Wiping a stray tear away, I carefully folded the letter, put it back in its envelope and stuffed it inside my backpack together with my valuables. With trembling hands I called her.

"You know what I want to say, right? I don't want to say it over the phone."

'I know. You'll have countless of opportunities to do so very soon.'

"Okay. Now go back to work!"

I ended the call and let out a frustrated sigh. No matter how emotional I was right now, I was definitely not the right moment to drop the L-word.

[thesilverlady]

I really loved your headcanons about helaena so may I ask of you headcanons about Aegon ii if you don't mind ofc!!! You know his upbringing, his relationships with siblings+dragon..etc anything that comes in your mind!

agh, I'm so sorry for the late reply anon 🙏 I thought I had published my response but it was camping in the drafts all along 💀 I'm so happy to hear you liked my headcanons. I'm always so nervous with sharing them 'cause I never know how ppl will react. so really, thank you for being so nice.

Aegon II Targaryen headcanons (I tried to keep them a bit generic similar to how I did with Helaena)

1) Aegon was a very lively, active child. Adventurous, curious, stubborn and loud, he loved being the center of attention as his mother showed him off and bragged about her firstborn living son.

2) After Helaena was born Rhaenyra quit any attempts at bonding with him. Not even their father's gentle encouragement could keep her long. So Aegon figured annoying her and picking up fights with her were the best way to notice him.

3) Aemond is definitely his favorite sibling. Their shared temper and ache for recognition and attention serves quite the bonding experience. They got along much smoother when they were younger however, because back then he was the main male figure Aemond had to look up to and his brother always followed him around without trouble. Aegon used to pretend it annoyed him but now that it no longer happens, he can admit to himself he misses it quite a lot.

4) Sunfyre is his pride and joy and he never misses an oppurtunity to praise and show her off. Oftentimes he enjoys talking privately to his dragon, speaking up everything that's going on in his mind.

5) He absolutely loathes his uncle Daemon, and it's possibly the only thing he shares common with his grandfather. Aegon doesn't consider him a threat but he thinks it's ridiculous how everyone always bends over for him. He may have had a reputation once upon a time, but his uncle is now old and completely cunt struck with Rhaneyra. It's embarrassing he doesn't even bother to hide it.

6) Like Aemond, he also dispises the green colored clothing his mother's nags them to wear. His younger brother claims it's ridiculous that his bratty nephews can dress as targaryens while they (Aegon & Aemond) who are the sons of the king, cannot. His mother and grandfather claim its important to honor their hightower side but neither gives a fuck. Aemond is more vocal about this issue but Aegon always agrees and backs him up. needlepoint

7) When he was a child he tried to mimic Sunfyre's roar because he thought it'd be more effective way of communication than learning the Valyrian language

8) His first time with a woman was actually with a lady who served his mother. She wanted to gain power and influence with having a young boy prince favoring her but she was in for a rude awakening. Aegon never cared for promises or honor. And he found he quite enjoyed this side of power he could have over lesser people.

9) He used to wish for Aemond to find a dragon to claim soon so he could have someone to race with up in the skies. Helaena never flew and Daeron was too young, but when eventually Aemond claimed Vhagar he became quite insufferable about it. Still, their races was something he was fond of

10) Among the whores he visits, his favourite one happens to be one that bears a strong resemblance to his older half sister. It's hard not to imagine what ifs- scenarios every now and then. Aegon knows how much his mother and grandfather tried to push for a betrothal between him and Rhaneyra. And as relieved as he now feels for not having to deal with Rhaneyra's bold, bitch attitude, he still finds it quite offensive and telling that his father picked a velaryon to give his sister to instead of him.

11) Few nights before he married Helaena, Aegon sneaked a whore into his chambers and ordered her to show him how he could be gentle for the first wedding night

12) During Helaena's first pregnancy, her fingers and legs begin to swell. And after some careful nagging Aegon was convinced to try to complete her needlepoint for her. Surprisingly he's very good at it

13) Before his son's death, the war was about winning everything he should have had. While he never longed for the throne, he had to live his entire life with being a firstborn son of a king and being passed over for his elder half sister. In his eyes the war was about protecting his family from his uncle who would surely kill them and to give himself and his brothers everything they were owned. After his son's death, it's about revenge. He doesn't waste time to find someone to blame, and he won't fall into the madness his wife has. Anger & hate are easier to embrace than grief & guilt.

14) After Blood is tortured to death and announcing to Helaena he ordered every ratcatcher in the city to be hanged, the two sleep on sperate chambers and it's the last time he sees his sister.

15) Prior to everything, he had never felt any ties to his youngest brother, Daeron. The boy didn't grow up with him and Aegon never got to know him. It is only for his wife's memory - who used to talk about Daeron and yearn for his return - that now Aegon orders better guards to fight alongside him.

16) Rook's Rest is the turning point when he's left with his half body burnt and his body so broken to the point it'd remain bent and twisted for the rest of his life. For the moons he remains in bed and the rare hours he happens to be awake, bitterness and hopelessness find their way to his head and he's never been more envious of his brother Aemond who glows and stands strong like he's the personification of the Valyrian God of death himself.

17) Post the fall of Dragonstone, when Aegon had shuttered both of his legs, the reason he'd go on refusing the milk of the poppy until the day he died isn't only due to his experience with it from his recovery from Rook's Rest, but also because he had noticed how mistrustful the maesters were when they were treating his father. And his recovery from Rook's Rest showed they'd treat him the exact same way. That ignites lots of paranoia from his part

[kitsvibe]

definitely counts! I was just talking about like in general, if you get any paranoid thoughts (which, I do as well - this was but only a mere 1% of my TRUE FORM!!!!) (→ thank you in advance for sticking around because my funny bone is broken) about the paranoid thought you mentioned here, though - it definitely happened to me a lot in school. It's gotten quiet with that section of thoughts, but other thoughts of paranoia reign in eventually. How do you deal with it? If you're comfortable with sharing, ofc. I mostly try to distract myself with reading, or doomscrolling.

I can definitely see that! You're a pretty solid writer/poet. Do you write any non-romantic poems? If so, what are they generally about? Ooh and Love Jinx's premise seems interesting, I'm pretty keened on wanting to read it sometime... What happens in the end, if you've read it that far?

What's the psychology book's name? I really wanna read more academic books like that.. oh and Blackshirts & Reds is great, as is any leftist theory book. I only recently started theory and got this recommendation. It's definitely keeping me interested in wanting to know more about our world and the systems (mostly capitalism, and subsequently fascism) weave into it. Definitely a nice read, considering the state of affairs of the world currently. Do you read any political theory books? I'm curious. And speaking of that! Are you, or were you ever interested in politics?

Pfft- I feel that shit in my soul. The paranoid thoughts are invasive little fuckers, but don't worry, I think you're pretty funny! Ah..how I deal with it? Usually by crying tbh. (I wish I was lying) I kinda just avoid the person and then cry in private later about it, but act like nothing happened. For paranoid thoughts in general, pretty much the same thing. I try to avoid the situation, even if it's inconvenient, and depending on how severe the thought, cry or scream about it later. There are some other....less healthy ways (not like...SH TW) but I try to avoid mentioning that stuff in this blog. I almost have a few times, then had to reign myself back lol

Awww!! Thank you so much!! Romance is honestly pretty consuming for me. Well, I guess 'love' technically. Since I write about my love, friendly love, familiar love, other people's love. But I have written a few poems based on abuse/neglect. And although not poems, I have written a few horror stories!

You totally should!! I'm a sucker for a happy ending, so...y'know....they end up together and happy. But there is definitely a while towards the end where you are holding your breath hard. The ending was rushed because the original people dropped the story, so they were just kinda writing an ending so they could say the story was completed. Also they psychology book I'm reading is called 50 Psychology Classics. It's full of so many notes right now😭

I don't usually read political theory books, sadly. It's really hard for things to keep my interest for an extended period of time when it comes to books. The only reason Psychology can is because I'm pretty sure its a special interest or something lol. And I tried to get into politics a while ago, but I couldn't do it. Like, I have opinions on things, and try to stay at least slightly up to date. But I'm not like, in there, in there, you know?

[castlebyersafterdark]

But it's fascinating looking at what he decides to post and share. Because sometimes I think... why do that? I look and it makes me happy but I wonder, why these moments?

wahhhh the thoughts in THIS post are soooooo up my street! only today i was tempted to post something recreational on social media for the first time in years (i only use it sporadically for my work) and i had a little talk with myself about exactly what you asked: who is it for?

this is a question i ask myself about so many things in my life, from what i wear today to what i want to do with my whole life. its a great question! a good psychology question.

ive also had people i love say its nice to see what i chose to post on insta back when i did (mainly in covid times), theyre seeing through my mind and wondering, just like you are about your fiance, vinny (🥳). i always find it interesting when you can see some artistic influence in their posts, if they dont sound like the person you know irl.

and honestly, today, it was a feeling of WOW this is a beautiful day and beautiful pic, and i want to cement it somehow by putting it online. its almost like the act of sharing is addictive, even though i never felt that great when i noticed the views ticking up or even the comments. lets face it, most social media comments are boring af. i much prefer long form chats with friends, and on here lol! i didnt post it in the end. what would it have been for?

so let's swing this back to our boy noah. i am not someone who ever posted thirst traps or even pics of my face, i just always think it's got an 'I'd like validation please' vibe that makes me cringe. but many do post themselves! and noah is a public figure. his face and personage is his brand, so if he wants a presence and maybe more modelling gigs, posting his face is a good idea. but i do also think the boy has a little vain streak that someone like finn, for example, doesn't. no shade because its always connected to deeper stuff - possibly insecurity, very human, very valid! to me, noah's possible insecurity manifests as a need for the attention. whereas finn's manifests as avoiding attention. so this year, noah leaving sm has been a great change and growth for him - can i live without this?

and likewise finn has been leaving his comfort zone by diving into things (like modelling and perfume ads) that clearly feel fish out of water for him. theyre both fascinating.

so i looked at that finn acc noah followed, and it seems to be one of the more lowkey ones - it doesnt have an obvious searchable username like FINN WOLFHARD FANS or something lol. its niche. so thats... yeah. haaaaaaaaa. and its also fan engagement rather than posts of finn's professional photoshoots and stuff, so noah clearly appreciates the Real Finn. 🤭 but theres also pics of finn with other friends and castmates a lot. so it almost seems like the equivalent of scrolling a crush's FB wall, seeing what theyre up to without you. cos finn doesnt have an acc where he posts his life, does he? and we all know there's like zero pics of noah and finn hanging out together lol. so noah won't be spying pics of him and finn together. maybe his camera roll is already full of that 🤭 but otherwise, smells like doomscrolling. oh boyo :(

once again i cannot stop rambling.

Getting to this one finally!!!

It is very worthwhile pausing and re-evaluating what we share and why - all good points and insight. Social media is a good tool for showcasing work if you have a talent or field that benefits from a visual - I sometimes miss having an art account that was public, but I think I also like keeping it as something private for those close to me until maybe one day I change my mind and decide to do something with it. I go back and forth and right now I sit with keeping my hobby a hobby, no temptation to make it more than it is. I really kinda simplified my life in the last few years if that makes sense? Choosing when and what to share publicly has been a big challenge but something centering as well. Different needs for different people!

The act of sharing IS addictive, and I can admit that about this blog in general. Me at the beginning, eating all my words, "I don't want to make it too personal, but..." and here I am now, sharing so much. It was a discomfort with the fandom, though, and not knowing what this corner would be like, and the jarring nature of having people actually send me messages where before - it was kind of isolated on this site and when I sought online interaction, it was always a bit hostile on places like twitter or reddit. This ended up being so so different. Every day, entirely unexpected.

Swinging over to the boys! Funny, I was someone who in the past posted for attention. I'll say it! Thirst traps and all the cringey like, part of why I won't share myself online anymore - if my friends share candids on private accounts, totally fine. But having my life hyper documented, by my own hand, just really freaked me out at one point. All done with that. So it's interesting being a big fan of celebrities where we hang on the edge waiting for a glimpse, and I do!! I totally do! Being a public figure for sure - that's kind of necessary to a degree. And a little vanity is ok - can go overboard. Balance. Sharing things, keeping other things personal. "Can I live without this?" That's everything. Healthy.

Think you're right about the fan account, there's an angle there I hadn't considered. Because let's say there is/was something there with him either crushing or wanting to enjoy looking at his guy - where else is he going to look up a bunch of photos of him? Google isn't personal. There's a fan-curated space with everything good all in one spot. Crush scrolling. Relatable. So human. But with the privilege of having your famous crush also crushed on by many so they do the work gathering info for you hahaha

Love to ramble, no one here should ever apologize for rambling!!! I am the crown prince of rambling ceaselessly hahahaha