#its almost 8hrs long

[hellishqueer]

robin was making fun of me because it'd only been like. a month since i got into disco elysium and i already had nearly a 100 songs on my harry playlist

it has a 115 now jic anyone was wondering :3c

[cuz-reasons]

I'm almost done 6 day work week from hell oh my god its just today and tmr and it's the easiest and shortest shifts wish me luck

[i-yap]

Disorders batboys s/o have( dick and jason ver)

Im a psychology student and i think everyone in this world has some symptoms if not full blown disorders. I also struggle with GAD and I have worked in 2 psychiatric hospitals so far in one I got a lot of readings+ 2 months , 8hrs on weekdays hospital shifts in 4 sectors. I don't mean to offend anyone but if you have a certain disorder it does determine a lot of your personality traits and therefore make you incompatible with certain types of people. this is just a " oh I think the batboys could take care or be compatible with someone with this disorder enough to not hamper their healing "

Anyways..(im so scared to post this)

Dick grayson- mood disorders (major depressive diroder. bipolar disorder, seasonal depression, burnout)

Dick is this silent mother hen sort of figure. he loves taking care of others, it fills him with altruistic feelings and helps him feel needed. Someone with a mood disorder needs someone they can go and be sad with without feeling judged. Dick understands that burnt out feeling really well. He understands how sometimes you just want to let your feelings go through you. He is warm sunshine personified, joyful calm and reliable. He likes taking care of you, the small quiet moments. He will find small personal ways to make your mood a little more bearable however he can without overwhelming you.

"he comes back from his crime fighting to find you in bed. he recognizes your mood instantly. slowly approaching you and gently kissing you awake .

"hey baby ", "youre back dickie" "mhm how long have you been in bed?" " I don't know" "I'm starting a bath, would you like to join me" "I don't really feel like moving" "ill carry you" ."

Jason todd- anxiety disorders ( generalized anxiety disorder(gad), phobia, panic attacks, separation anxiety disorder(sad))

gad- the fact that jason literally fights crime every night and is super impulsive/doesnt care about his safety, so seeing you almost ripping your head off from worry for him not only warms his heart ( he thinks you hate him and struggles to believe that YOU could give someone like him any attention but here you are) but also makes him take better care of himself for your sake. he hates seeing you worried but he loves calming you down. holding your hands tight, replecating meditation style breathing and mindfulness practices. kissing you overthinking head. hugging you when you stress cry, giving you massages.

Phobia- he understands triggers better than anyone else, he will be your big bad protector making sure to help you avoid the item that's causing you phobia. holding your hand and hiding you behind him if you have social anxiety, making sure to avoid triggering environments if you have agoraphobia, killing all snakes in the world if you have a phobia of them( he seriously suggests it but you stop him cuz it'll hurt the ecosystem)

Panic attacks- he has them too, either you have learned a way to deal with them and teach him or he has learned a way to deal with them and helps you . if he hasn't before meeting you, he has a new much stronger motivation to learn techniques or medication that can help deal with them for your sake and therefore also accelerate his healing

seperation anxiety-.. he has it too so like.( ik its more common in kids but adult sad is also a thing) both of you are clingy, its a win win for you two , fuck the rest of the world

again this is just my opinion okay? don't make mental health a taboo , if this post was about batboys x blind! y/n no one would have an issue. mental health is a condition and sometimes its out of our control, it depends on so many factors. Its nothing to be ashamed or scared of.

[stevetonyweekly]

SteveTony Weekly - Feb 4 th - Week 5

I’m in the middle of a 8hr class for work today, so I’m doing this quick and dirty, with no rec notes. I’m sorry. Enjoy the list and kudos/comment for your authors! 

~*~ 

Method Refinements (subtype C, designation Capsicle) by galwednesday

"It's not hate sex," Steve objected. "I don't hate you."

That actually made Tony feel a little warm and fuzzy inside, which he knew was pathetic. He talked louder and faster to cover it. "Angry sex, then, whatever. I should just walk up to you and say 'Hey, Rogers, I was looking to blow off some steam, wanna have loud, animalistic sex all over the Tower?' That's what does it for you?"

A flush was creeping up his neck--God, Tony loved Steve's blushes, the Victorian-maiden-modesty veneer over the built-like-a-brick-shithouse physique drove him wild--but Steve's eyes were steady on his. "Try it and see."

Subtle Clues and Context Cues by galwednesday

“Cosplay,” Sam repeated. He and Steve were jogging through Central Park. Steve had just lapped him for a fourth time before slowing to match his pace, and the bastard didn’t even have the decency to sound winded. “As what?”

“You ever see the Pride and Prejudice movie, the really long one?”

“Dude. I have three sisters. It was required viewing.”

“I need a Mr. Darcy outfit.”

Sam slowed to a walk, holding one hand up in a time-out gesture until he caught his breath enough to form full sentences. “You’re going to cosplay as Mr. Darcy? The Colin Firth, look-how-wet-and-clinging-my-shirt-is Mr. Darcy?”

Steve looked down and shuffled his feet. It was amazing to watch over six feet of pure muscle somehow telegraph bashful. “Yeah. Tony’s birthday is coming up, and, well. It’s sort of an inside joke.”

(Five times everyone but Tony knew he was dating Steve, and one time Tony figured it out.)

'Cause It's a Beautiful Night by galwednesday

“Holy shit,” Clint’s eyes were huge and round. “Did you get Steve pregnant?”

Tony choked on his coffee. “What? How--why--what? How would that even happen?”

“Hey, you’re the one planning to ambush him with a shotgun wedding.” Clint moved his bowl of Lucky Charms out of the range of Tony’s coffee spray. “It’s a reasonable question.”

“Steve’s not pregnant!” Tony shouted. Was he? He couldn’t be. They hadn’t been gender-swapped lately. What about that alien fertility ray? No, that had been at least seven months ago.

Steve wasn’t pregnant.

Probably.

“I’m not ready to be a father,” Tony blurted, clutching his hair with both hands.

“I’m not drunk enough for this conversation.” Clint opened the liquor cabinet and examined its contents with a critical eye. “What kind of booze goes best with marshmallows?”

(Tony plans a wedding. The wedding is in ten hours and he hasn’t exactly proposed yet, but he’s used to compressed project cycles. What could possibly go wrong?)

annex 11 by soliloquent

“This annex document, filed by SHIELD operatives under the designation SR-NR-CB-AS/000008-11, contains a verbatim transcript of a conversation between Anthony E. Stark (callsign Iron Man) and Steven G. Rogers (callsign Captain America) as recorded by Iron Man’s advanced artificial intelligence, J.A.R.V.I.S.”

—⎊—

or: Trapped together during a snowstorm in the middle of a mission, Steve attempts to soothe Tony’s growing anxiety, only to discover that Tony had the solution all along. 📄

Exit Wounds (The No Exit Remix) by sheron

Tony gets trapped together with Steve in a collapsed HYDRA facility, which makes it hard to avoid him.

Like Hell and Heaven by ChocolateCapCookie 

“I feel great now, though,” said Steve, lifting the sheets up to peer at his leg, which looked almost normal. “Can I leave?”

“Steve, we watched you almost die. Just… listen to the doctors, okay? Just this once.”

This Simple Feeling by inukagome15 

When are two good friends not good friends? Sounds like the setup for a brilliant joke, right? Except when the joke mirrors real life. Tony and Steve are just very good friends. So why is it everyone thinks they're dating?

Pinky Promise by Tahlruil

Steve wasn't looking for a relationship not really - dating was fun and he was busy learning how to adult properly. A chance encounter with Tony, who's even worse at grocery shopping than he is, has the potential to change all that. The meeting feels significant, even if he could never imagine where it would end up taking him.

Tony, meanwhile, was pretty happy with his string of one night stands and no feelings involved relationships. Despite being pushed of of the nest - he suspects Jarvis of giving his mother ideas - he's really not interested in becoming a real adult. Steve makes him want more for the first time ever, and even if it terrifies him, he's willing to see where it goes.

When I Think (Oh, it Terrifies Me) by celli

Look, some mornings you wake up and little green men are invading New York City; some mornings you wake up and you can hear Captain America's voice in your head. Tony has been an Avenger long enough that he saves his freakout for important things.

Unexpected Thaw by Neverever 

Steve has a rough ride through the multiverse and ends up questioning his relationship with Tony.

alone (together) by Thahire

"Will you tell me what’s wrong or do I have to -" Tony went on, motioning down Steve’s body, "make you?"

Steve raised his eyebrows. "Make me? I’d like to see you try." Except he didn’t. After a moment, in which Tony did nothing but give him a flat stare, Steve awkwardly added, "Lower left rib cage. I think maybe, uh, a sprained rib or something."

"Thank you. That wasn’t so bad, was it?" Tony replied slowly, the way one would to an unruly child.

Steve narrowed his eyes. "I’m not a child."

"No, you aren’t," Tony replied, lips twitching. "As the parent of one, I can tell you, you are way worse."

Or: Steve is really bad at letting people take care of him. Tony is really bad at minding his business. Things happen.

I'll Give You Gifts Until You Know My Name by Amuly 

Mr. Stark is an extravagant gift-giver: he has the money for it, after all. As Iron Man, Tony has the opportunity to gift Steve even more presents that, while less expensive, are more heartfelt. Having a secret identity means Tony gets to have his cake and eat it too when it comes to showering Steve with presents.

Until Steve starts developing feelings for his armored companion, and all the benefits of living a double life are turned on their head for Tony Stark.

The Love Song of a Pair of Awkward Weirdos by MusicalLuna 

Tony flirts with Steve and then the strangest possible thing happens:

Steve starts to flirt back.

the slightest touch (and I feel weak) by SailorChibi

“When you’re really tired or out of it, you show the underside of your wings to Steve,” Natasha says to Tony, ignoring Clint, who is doing an excellent impression of a fish. “We’ve all noticed it, but no one ever said anything because we didn’t think you knew. And judging from the look on your face, you didn’t.”

[never-wednesday]

Hey its a Lil late in the month but this disability pride month I wanna talk about long covid. I also have chronic pain and all sorts of worms in my brain but I've been dealing with that forever. So we're talking about the new stuff. Putting a readmore because I'm talking about what my experience being sick with covid was like and it's probably unpleasant to read.

It's December of 2022 and I work retail while I'm home from school for winter break. I mask up every time I leave the house, including for work. My parents don't. My father talks about covid not being a big deal. He caught it last year and it was a mild cold for him. He says "i ate lunch with someone who had covid last week and im fine!" My mother catches covid a week after that conversation. I test and am seemingly fine despite symptoms of a cold, and then three days later (one of those days was a full 8hr shift at work where I was worn ragged because it's almost christmas. I also got heat exhaustion because the AC was busted and I live in TX.) I feel the worst I have felt in ages. My mom insists that my dad takes me to get tested for the flu, and I schedule a covid test while I'm at it. My covid test comes back positive.

For the next week I am bedbound, only able to sit up enough to try to eat something and only able to stand up long enough to get myself to and from the bathroom. I sleep through the days when I can get the dayquil down, and cough through the nights when I can't get the nyquil down. I hallucinate when im tired. One of those nights I swear I talk to god. My brain is fogged and it hurts to breathe. I am worried I will need to be hospitalized because I can't seem to keep any water in my system. It's a miracle that I can write instructions for my father to cook ramen for me. I can only drink the broth. One morning I try to take dayquil to soothe my throat and I vomit. My stomach is empty and I stand over the sink wretching.

It feels like a miracle when I recover. Christmas day my symptoms mostly clear up and I'm able to sit up long enough to use my computer, something I was unable to do for the past week. I test negative, my second best Christmas present that year. The first is the Elden Ring soundtrack on vinyl. I am elated that I made it put the other end.

A week later my friend comes from a few cities away to visit for a few days. We go shopping one afternoon, spend a few hours standing around at the local game store looking at dice and miniature plastic dragons. We get home at 6pm. I collapse into bed and wake up 3 hours later. I talk to my doctor about it in January, she says it should go away over time. Six months maximum.

I spend my spring semester exhausted. I start using a cane to make sure I can walk across campus. I'm thankful that many of my friends are also disabled because they understand when I need to ask people to slow down, or bail because of my fatigue. Many of the abled people in my life do not understand. One day I go out to a museum, a thing I am excited to do. When I get home at 4pm I make myself popcorn, then collapse into bed. I can't walk to the sink without my cane, I can barely get out of bed. This is what I have to adjust to.

Six months pass. The fatigue is not gone. I am home for summer break, and I try talking to my parents about my fatigue. They don't understand. I talk to my doctor. She is convinced it's depression symptoms. My mental health is largely the best it's been in years- I've been in treatment for months now and it is helping.

It's been about seven months now. I am not receiving treatment, nor will my doctor acknowledge that I have long covid. She has relented into testing for physical things. I got a CT scan, and have a sleep study scheduled for when I get back from visiting family in August. Depending on what these turn up and how my doctor reacts I am preparing to find a new doctor. I am not excited about this, because I like my doctor. But if she refuses to acknowledge that what has happened to me is likely covid and therefore will not treat me I will find someone else.

I don't really have a moral here beyond please mask up, get vaccinated, etc. Even if covid doesn't fuck you up it might fuck up someone you pass it to. Or even worse, it can kill the immunocompromised people around you. Please have compassion for the people around you. My father, who is a loving and caring man, brought this illness home to me. It wasn't out of malice, but it still has affected my life for probably the rest of my life.

[risu5waffles]

[LBP - LBsP 02/02/24] 294 - (頭を)ガブリもあるよ！大海遭難記 (Distress in Ocean)

Well, if this is the last community level review, i coulda done a lot worse for it. Honestly, wherever YAMAME3 is these days, i want to thank them for making their level copyable way back when. Distress in Ocean feels like it well represents a lot of the good of LBP, especially early LBP, and that's a nice note to go out on.

Just as a level itself, it's quite well done. Expansive, filled wiv interesting setpieces and some really, really nice mechanical elements. Largely maintains its pace, aside from the squid bit, which probably could have been a bit more cleanly presented to help wiv the flow. The use of the shark as a recurring element to tie the whole piece together, but also the inventiveness in how it was set up. There's really a lot to love here.

But also that YAMAME3 made this cool thing, and then showed everyone how they'd done it. So folx could make their own cool things. Of course, people being people, a lot of folx turned around and just copy-pasted it, and so you saw fewer and few copyable levels in a relatively short span of time. But that idea of sharing wiv the community would live on in helpful fansite members answering questions, and people like comphermc putting tutorials up on YouTube. Folx might have been wary of just giving away their creations, but they still wanted to share. Maybe it's schmaltzy, but it's kinda beautiful as well. Even wiv the servers down, you still have folx like AfrosackGP putting out some really amazing how-tos (seriously, check out GP's videos, they're fantastic)

So, yeah, a level that puts the Share in Play, Create, Share? That feels right if this does turn out to be the end.

Oh! Before i forget. i did silo off the backstage footage that's at the end of the LittleBite-sizedArchive episode into its own b-side, for folx who're just interested in seeing all the clockwork.

-------------------------------------------

i took the day off work. i guess, strictly speaking i didn't need to. Not physically, and my mental health isn't great, but it's not screaming "CRISIS." Still took the day off. Not that i'm going to do anything wiv it. But maybe not being on my feet for 8hrs of mind-numbing tedium will help something.

Just about finished up wiv the Metal Gear DLC look-at sets. However i decide to structure the DLC look-ats, i don't think i'll be able to do them on a weekly basis like we'd normally do for community levels. i'm not doing anything like a hbomberguy analysis or anything, but there's still a lot of building to be done, and the LBP2 DLC packs are *chonky*, like enough that i'm a little worried about getting the LBsA episodes out on a daily basis if i do them all as thoroughly as i did MGS and PotC.

Multiple playthroughs to get everything is one thing when a level is one thing when a level is just a couple minutes long per run, but i think all or almost all the Muppets and DC levels are level-linked to be double sized. i don't even remember the Move pack wiv nearly enough granularity to say what that one's gonna be like. i'm lowkey worried there'll be bits where you need multiple players all equipped wiv their own BrainCranes, and if that's the case, well, we're just proper buggered, aren't we?

[soildmud]

yalllll my gf just bought me bg3 today and i was so excited because its been on my wishlist for like ever and stuff so as soon as it allowed me to i started installing/downloading it—IT TOOK THREE FUCKING HOURS!!!!!! BECAUSE I’M POOR AND CAN’T GET SHIT TO OPTIMISE DOWNLOAD TIMES!!!!!!

but the worst part of it all….IT WON’T OPEN. it stopped responding every time i tried to open it up (i’m a mac user so i am already at a disadvantage) so i desperately look online as to what i have to do and according to steam i have to Verify File Integrity which i thought they were supposed to do after everything downloads, hence why it took 3 hours, because it took an extra hour to verify everything—but apparently there might be a file corruption or something idk i’m just a girl i know nothing about these things. BUT GET THIS: THE FILE VERIFICATION IS GOING TAKE OVER 24 HOURS TO COMPLETE. oh my god. why did i choose to quit my job and not save for a Real computer. why did i not ask for that for christmas. (no one had the money to buy one, that’s why—which is fine, i have never asked for anything expensive for christmas) WHY DID I HAVE TO GET ATTACHED TO BIG HUMONGOUS FUCKING GAMES THAT KILL MY LAPTOP!!!!!!!!!

i am usually a patient person yknow. i have willingly gone on 3 day nonstop car rides with my family of mentally unwell and untreated people. i have gone through almost 12 years of american public education without ever asking for accommodations to my crippling mental illnesses or deteriorating health. i have done hour long layovers while sick from anxiety and stress in airports full of stressful stimuli. i have gone thru a lot. but this was the straw that broke the camel’s back i think. as soon as i saw the number fluctuate between 22 to 1D 8hrs i just about cried. i felt defeated. i nearly threw a tantrum like a toddler because of this. i wanted to start pulling my hair out of my head and furiously scratch my skin until it bled out of pure and unbridled rage and frustration. (i am probably autistic and i think someone told me this could be a meltdown???) but i only merely grabbed my hair very harshly and started hyperventilating for a couple minutes before i sat down on my bed and started doing eye makeup. why??? idk.

all this is to say i am not happy with BG3 right now, even though the issue is not all with the game, but the fact that i am attempting to play it on a heavily aged macbook air that definitely was not made for playing anything above coolmathgames.com. my spring break is nearly over. i have like three days left. i just want to enjoy my freedom a little longer by making my little OC in this game and then putting them through The Horrors. i will update you all later, it is now 4:08AM and i have not slept for almost 24 hours. i feel sick to my stomach and my head hurts, but i think it’s because i made the foolish mistake of drinking about 20oz of coffee (which didn’t even taste good btw, because i had to make the coffee with a creamer that Wasnt my beloved oat milk creamer—i cannot enjoy my coffee if it is not made with the oat milk creamer. nothing else will suffice.) and then proceeded to make four different rainbow loom bracelets (i just bought the monstertail loom after debating whether or not i should) in rapid succession without breaks. i also watched eight episodes (maybe more) of the watcher podcast, because the coffee gave me extreme anxiety to the point where i had to carry scissors with me every time i left my bedroom because i was convinced there was someone in my apartment (but what would scissors have done??? i am incredibly out of shape and have never even fought another human being physically since i was under the age of 10) and the scissors were the only thing that would make me feel safer. and my phone in case i could hide and call 911.

sorry for the brain dump i am just incredibly sleep deprived and am waiting for my wife’s return from work—which should be soon! which means i’ll be okay and no longer anxious or stressed. SEE YOU LATER GUYS MIGHT DELETE THIS BUT IDK !!!!! SHARE YOUR THOUGHTS ON MY DOWNWARD SPIRAL!!!!!!!

[ev1lmorty]

pumpkin spice starting today at work <333333333333333

[catspinach]

What got you into smoking cigarettes?

because its hot and sexy and cool

Jokes aside, that was honestly my first mindset about it. I knew they were bad for you and when I first smoked I would get lightheaded and feel like shit. I thought I wouldn't get addicted bc how could I get addicted to smth that gave me almost no gratification but I did:/

-

[This is gonna be long bc I very do not encourage smoking]

Eventually I switched to vaping and that just made my nic addiction worse because of the ease of being able to smoke inside and around friends who weren't into smoking. Ended up chain vaping 50mg (like. i think the highest amt of nic per mL) several times a day until my entire body felt numb and my tinnitus rang and I was basically immobile for a hot minute, until I would immediately chain vape a few more hits until I fell asleep. It started to feel good. Hitting it in the morning after going a good 8hrs without it was bliss. I was constantly going to the bathroom if I was out with family and hitting it in the stalls because if I didn't I would get anxious and irritated. I quit for months until recently I started up again but with cigs bc it just hits different.

There were more internal issues too, my dad was fucked up and so I was "born to be fucked up" too, so I would do all this teen edgy shit. Was definitely one to vandalize and steal and skip school and try getting into drugs and shit. Didn't have a dealer tho so I was popping Vicodin from our bathroom cupboards until I threw up and my friends confiscated them lol whoops.

Not to make smoking sound like a "hard drug" by any means but it's definitely not good for you and people don't seem to understand that anyone can get addicted to anything. Even if you say you will never smoke a cigarette or do a drug in your life, and even if you know how addictive it is and how bad it is for you. A lot of people smoke because they're going through shit, and especially around then they are very vulnerable.

Anti-Smoking ads fuel people into looking down on smokers and they tend to make smokers wanna smoke more out of spite, so tbh I fucking hate them lol. Just educate people in a normal way instead of throwing a vape in some oj on snapchat? I don't even get those ads anymore because I don't vape so they very definitely do not help smokers quit in any way shape or form.

Out of curiosity, what's your opinions on me smoking? I won't take offense lol I've heard it all.

-

TLDR: I thought it was cool and I had an edgy phase. Don't start smoking, and treat people who are addicted to anything with respect

[kamerobogal]

Aka my personal explanation for watching the 8hr Victorious review and trying to explain to my friend why I did it.

Look, I've been following this guy since 2018, he makes a lot of cool stuff. And I got really excited when he said he was going to review iCarly. Loved the show growing up, its nostalgic for me. It was almost 5 hours. Uh, okay I guess I'll watch it. Then part 2 came out. Then Victorious part 1 came out, its 5 and a half hours. Ah, okay it's continuing the saga, alright. *clicks.

I had been following him on Twitter and for months he had been positing his progress on part 2. So the hype was building. Then finally Victorious part 2 came out. It's 8 hours and 5 minutes long. I am now a dedicated fan of his work, and I watch it (in parts)

I am in too deep already with these Nickelodeon sitcom reviews, there is no going back

[scandeniall]

Dear Diary

song 1: dear diary |  good & bad masterlist | prev | next

Pairing: sakusa x reader

Summary/warnings: life has been kicking your ass yet you don’t want to tell sakusa/profanity

WC: 1.5K

“How’ve you been,” you paused debating on answering honestly or not. Switching your phone to speaker, you fiddled with the covers resting beneath your fingers before sighing out. “I miss you Yoomi.” A silence comes settled through the phone line. “How are you doing?” The insistence of your well being causes another sigh to escape your lips. Of course he could tell that something was off even through the phone and a part of you curses his observational skills. “Im just--really fucking stressed,” you mutter out reluctantly. 

“Have you been taking care of yourself? Eating real meals and getting proper sleep?” The questions being rattled off on the other side of the phone causes you to crack a small smile at his concern. You could only imagine the furrow in his brows at the thought of a lack of concern for your own health. You almost miss the ending of the questions as he tells you not to lie to him. Your silence causes Sakusa to sigh on the line. 

“Sometimes I hate how much you really know me.” You voice the thoughts that had previously been in your head. Sakusa could hear the slightest of background noise as you maneuver yourself under the warm comforter and shifted to get comfortable. “Do you need me to come home.” The words aren’t phrased as a question, and that causes you to quickly shake your head despite the fact that he couldn't see that.

“No-no. Yoomi, it's fine. I just- I just need to get my mind right and relax. I just needed to hear your voice tonight, that's all.” You tell him, despite wanting nothing more than for him to be back with you.He’d been on the road for the last month, a series of away games and such. And right before he left, you’d been out of town on a major business trip. It seemed as if time nor luck were your friend. It’d been at least a month and a half since the two of you were anywhere near one another. He’d still be gone another month and all either of you could do was wait it out. 

The silence that followed your response was telling. You could already imagine the way Sakusa has his eyes narrowed in thought. Thinking about whether he should push for your well being or let it go for now. The quietest sigh escaped his mouth from the other side of the phone. He’d made his decision. “I miss you too. I’ll be home soon.” 

Life after that phone call seemed to grow progressively worse. Not only had you and Sakusa not been able to squeeze in another talk in the following week, but life sucked. Your job has been giving you more and more responsibility, and allowing you more freedom. On one hand that was great, a celebratory text sent to your boyfriend at the talks of you in for a promotion, however it was tiring. You were coming home later and later, exhausted and starting to neglect your own health.

It’s not you were intentional in the neglect. It just felt too damn hard to come home after a long day and cook a healthy and fulfilling meal. When you were home you were suddenly reminded of just how empty the apartment was without Sakusa. Dust that was normally absent due to his cleanliness began to appear. Dishes piled up more than he would have liked. Whenever you did bother to straighten up at least for his sake, it drained you. 

Adulthood was really kicking your ass and it came to a head one night when you woke up sweating. As if life couldn’t drag you down even more, your AC had gone out right during the hottest part of the summer. Come morning you found out that your landlord had gone on vacation and could not and would not be able to fix the unit for at least a week. 

So you’d done what you usually did. Sucked it up and forced yourself to push through. Not a word of your woes to Sakusa who had more important matters to attend to other than your slump. You went to work, exhausted yourself there and dragged your feet into the dreaded heat of your apartment. 

Upon entering you were automatically hit with a wave of heat, making your already sluggish steps heavier. Kicking your shoes off you offhandedly waved hello to the person seated on the couch before dragging yourself towards the kitchen like it was completely normal. A moment later you stopped in your tracks. “Yoomi?”

The slightest nod from your boyfriend caused you to blink in surprise before launching yourself into his arms. “What are you doing here,” you muttered as his hands ran up and down your back. Pulling away slightly you eyed him. He looked tired. Eyes unusually sunken and you noticed the tiniest sheen of sweat across his forehead. You went to pull away knowing the touch paired with the heat would likely make him uncomfortable. To your surprise, the hands wrapped around your middle didn’t make any moves to release you. “You needed me so I came home.”

You felt a squeeze in your heart as your arms tightened wrapped around his shoulders. “But I didn't say anything—“

“Your voice. On the other week. And then your texts were different.” Of course he noticed. The conversation had already signaled to him that you weren’t the best. Your shaky exhales as you insisted that you were fine and that he didn’t need to come home. Then he noticed the jokes within your texts began to slowly subside. You’d also found yourself saying that you missed him more than usual. “So you came back?”

“I have a 3 day weekend this week. Then I’m back to practicing.” You nodded in understanding the two of you releasing one another and you noticed Sakusa frown. “Why’s it hot?” You explained about the broken AC and about the suffering you’ve endured for the past 2 days. “Did you get any more fans?” He looked annoyed once you denied purchasing any additional appliances knowing he’d had to get that done for you. “You know you’re more susceptible to nosebleeds in the heat right?”

“Thank you Dr. Omi,” you teased, laughing at his scowl from the nickname. The two of you settled onto the couch, your head coming to rest on his shoulder. “It’s common knowledge.” His replies allow a lightness to settle in your heart. One you hadn’t felt in weeks. The two of you settle into a silence for a little while his hand rubbing soft circles on your knee. “You need to take better care of yourself. And tell me when you need me.”

“I didn't want to take you away from your busy schedule,” you hum out. You feel the movement against your knee stop, a former grip replacing it. “I don't care how busy I am, I’m here. Now stop being annoying and tell me things.” You feel yourself jokingly roll your eyes before agreeing. However that wasn’t enough as you heard the scoff from next to you. 

“I’m serious. You remember what you told me back in college”

“Pretty sure I told you a lot of things back then,” you tease, taking his closest hand and interlocking your fingers. “You believed in me,” he started catching your eyes. “Told me you always knew there was no limit to me. That means I can handle it. Don’t feel like you’re annoying me.” Your eyes widened at how he remembered that very specific moment. 

It was around 4 years ago. He’d just told you that he signed to MSBY, something everyone around him was dying to know. Yet you were the first person he told. He remembered how your eyes beamed as you sat on his lap, your phone camera in his face recording the moment for memories sake. He didn’t even bother swatting it away like he usually did. He’d allowed you to place messy kisses all across his face despite the feel of your tacky chapstick. “Why do you remember that,” you questioned a soft smile gracing your own features. 

You notice the shrug of his shoulders as he helped to to sit you sideways into his lap. “Doesn’t matter. Now tell me what’s wrong. And then we’re going to get some fans.” You nodded leaning so that your lips met his for a soft kiss. “I really missed you,” you murmured into the kiss. And while he was only there for the weekend it was enough. He came home for you. The one who has loved and supported him with open arms for the past 5 years. He’d be damned if he didn’t try to make up for it. 

So you told him everything on your mind. Laughing every time he scolded you for the little things. “Don’t let the dust build up by the time I get back next month.” To “You need to sleep more.” And in return you got the same. You got the story from the exhaustion laced in his eyes. The hours it took to get to you, and the germs he forced himself to sit through to make it happen. And despite the annoying heat in the apartment, neither of you have felt that good in a while.

a/n: wow i FINALLY got at least 2 consective songs in a row done so now my prev/next is relevant for at least 2 parts. This took a different route than I initially planned for, nor is it exact in its storytelling. It was also started 2 months ago and finished now bc it was kinda hard for me. Anyways hi um did you catch the no limit to you ref? bc yeah i love that and to date still my fav piece ive ever written. you dont have to read that to understand this but its 5.4k words if you have some spare time.

anyways: im about to be on an 8hr car ride so feel free to request stuff. rules 

[pastelpastryblog]

In love with my best friend 💗 - PH-1 chapter 5

Genre: Everything (angst/fluff/ romance/etc)

Main characters: Y/N (reader), PH-1/ Harry

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4 months ago, 6 universities decided to do a big event that showcased the student’s art works, fashion shows, music, food, dance and many more. It was an open invite, not just for the students of the 6 universities, but it was for anyone that was aged 18 and over. It was a 6-day event and it required anyone that attended, had to city hop, as every city had a different fixed event. Day 6 was the last day. It was a day specifically made for music and Harry was invited to be a performer at the concert. While performing, a girl caught his eyes and that girl happened to be Kimberly. She was watching him closely while he performed, her look was interesting. Interesting enough to make Harry chase her and ask for her number. Which is weird, considering that Harry had turned down all the hottest girls of his home city. Kimberly lives 4 hours away from Harry’s university but from his home city, its further as it is 8hrs away from each other meaning that they have a long-distance relationship.

~Present time~

-          “Where the heck is Y/N? its been two days since I last saw her.” Harry says while looking for Y/N around his shared apartment, confused.

-          “Why are you so worried about her? She’s grown. I’m she can find her way around. She’s probably at home or something. Who knows” Kimberly says unbothered, while filing texting someone on her phone.

-          “Why are you so nonchalant about this? It doesn’t matter if she is “grown” or not, she should have at least called me. What if something went wrong? What if she’s lost? We never even got to see her leave.”

-          “I’m sure she’s fine babe. So, can you stop talking about her? Can you at least pay attention to me for today? I leave in 2 hours” Kimberley says while being irritated.

-          “I pay attention to you all the time. What are you taking about? How do you want me to act when my best friend is missing?” Harry says, angrily.

-          “You know what? I don’t want to have this conversation anymore. I’m going out for a walk. Bye”.  She walks out the apartment and slams the door behind her.

-          “This girl is fucking crazy.” Harry says to himself as he shakes his head.

*Buzz…..buzz*

Harry stops what he was doing. He looks around and notices that Its Kimberley’s phone. She must have forgotten to take it with her. He walks towards the phone and picks it up, it’s a message. He opens the chat and witnessed things that he never thought he would.

He scrolled through the messages between Kimberley and Jason, and it seems that their relationship is serious. They have been in an on and off relationship for two years and has even met his parents and friends. She was playing both of them, as Jason knows nothing about Harry. He had also looked through messages of her and her best friend Leah and noticed that she told her friend that she doesn’t really like Harry but is only with him because he has clout and potential to become a big rapper and when she does become a bigger rapper, she will then learn to love him. Not to mention, she is also the reason why he can’t get a hold of Y/N. Furious, Harry’s face goes red as he throws Kimberley’s phone on the bed. He storms into the shared living room space and sits on the sofa and impatiently waiting for Kimberley to come back while unblocking Y/N on social media and messaging his mother for Y/N’s number. When Kimberley opened the door, she could sense that there was something wrong with Harry.

-          “What’s up with you? Why are you angry?” She says with her eyebrows raised.

-          “Why am I angry? Why do you think that I’m angry?”

-          “Oh Gosh, are you still angry because of what I said earlier? Because of me wanting attention from you?” she chuckles and says “Get over it” as she aggressively pushes Harry out of the way.

-          “Kimberley. Never in your life put your hands on me. Ever.”

-          “And what are you going to do if I don’t want to?”

-          “Get out. I’ve had enough.” Harry says, whilst trying to calm himself.

-          “No, why should I?” she says defensively.

-          “Who is Jason? Who is Jason, huh?”

-          “What are you talking about? You’re so annoying.”

-          “Why do you hate Y/N so much? What did she ever do to you? Why did you want to slap my friend?”

-          “Is that what that bitch told you? That makes no sense” Kimberley says, as she is starting to sweat.

-          “I beg your pardon. Bitch? Don’t call her that. Y/N didn’t tell me anything. You know why? Its because you blocked her from all my socials and deleted her number from my phone.”

-          “WHAT? I would never! Stop accusing me of shit that I haven’t done and stop talking about this Jason or whatever. You sound crazy” Kimberley says as she acts surprised that he has found out about blocking Y/N on social media.

-          “You would never? Okay, cool. Sit down and stay here for a bit, I’ll be right back”

Harry then goes into his room and takes Kimberly’s phone. He then comes back and takes his phone out of his pocket and starts dialling a number. Kimberley was just sat on the sofa, looking very confused and scared, as she didn’t know what was going on and who he is trying to call. Y/N finally picks up the phone and Harry puts her on speaker.

-          “Hello?” Y/N says.

Kimberly’s eyes widened.  Harry is making small talk with Y/N before he gets right into the main reason that he called.

-          “Is it true that Kim purposely made you sit away from us at the theatres?” He asked.

-          “Yeah, wasn’t it obvious Harry?” Y/N laughs nervously.

-          “Oh wow” Harry says, with a lot of regret as he puts his hand on his head.

-          “I didn’t know how to say this to you at all, but Kimberley didn’t like me from the get-go. It was almost like I did something to her. I tried my best to be nice to her because she is your girlfriend, but she just didn’t care to be nice to me at all.”

-          “Wow” He says while being disappointed in himself.

-          “Oh, if I’ve said anything offensive, I’m honestly so sorry. I mean, she is your girlfriend after all. I hope what I have said isn’t going to offend the both of you and negatively impact your relationship” Y/N says, nervously.

-          “So, she really did try to slap you, huh? She tried to lay hands on you, didn’t she?” He sighs, defeated.

-          “Wait. How-who told you this?”

-          “Kimberley left her phone at home while she went out for a walk and her phone buzzed so I went through her message thinking that it might have been her mom or some sort of emergency, but it turned out that it was a message from her best friend. She admitted to trying to slap you. She was also messaging her boyfriend of two years, Jason. Saying how much she misses him and that she can’t wait to go back home. Right Kimberley?”  Harry says as he looks at her with fire in his eyes.

-          “Omg, Is Kimberley there? Harry I’m so sorry. I don’t even know what to say.”

-          “No, don’t be. I should be the one apologising to you because of your experience here. A best friend should never act the way that I acted towards you. Y/N I am so sorry and Kimberley, its over. So, get out of my sight.”

All Y/N could say through the phone was “OMG” because she could hear Kimberley crying and Harry’s voice wavering while kicking Kimberley out of his apartment and Kimberley saying no to Harry kicking her out.

-          “Fine. Since you don’t want to leave, I will. When I come back, you better not be here, or I will call your boyfriend Jason to drag you out of here.”

-          “HARRY WHERE ARE YOU GOING? YOU BETTER NOT GO TO THAT BITCH!” Kimberley shouts while crying.

-          “I told you to never call her a bitch, ever. Leave before I come back.” Harry says as he packs his bag.

-          “No, PH-1, don’t go. Just stay here. I’ll break it off with Jason then. Huh? Babe, please listen to me. I love you” Kimberley desperately says.

Harry then looks at Kimberley one last time as she was pleading for Harry to stay with her. She had tears and mascara running down on her face, snot was dripping from her nose. She was a mess. He shook his head and slammed the door behind him. After he slammed the door, he could hear Kimberly scream-shouting and what seems like her throwing her things in the apartment.

-          “Harry. Harry, you forgot to hang up. Where are you even going at this time? Are you okay? is Kimberley okay?” Y/N says with worry in her voice.

-          “I don’t care about her anymore. I’m coming.” He says while panting.

-          “Coming where Harry? You’re worrying me” She says confused.

-          “I’m coming home. I’m going to moms house.”

-          “Harry no, its too late. Just go a friend’s house or a nearby hotel. I don’t want you doing long drives while you’re angry. It’s dangerous.”

-          “Its okay, I promise I’ll be fine. Ill message you when I get home”

 ~ 2 hours later~

As soon as Y/N opened the door, Harry handed her a box of chocolates and an “I’m sorry” card and then pulls her into a hug. Out of shock, Y/N accidently drops her card and her chocolates.

“Y/N listen. I’m so, so, so sorry for acting the way that I have. A true friend would never ignore their best friend or put them what I put you through. I really hope that you forgive me. If you don’t, I’ll still be fine with it. I was a jerk after all. I won’t pressure you into forgiving me, so I’ll let you go back to bed. Goodnight”

He then pulls away from the hug, crosses the road and goes to his mom’s house. Y/N was speechless from everything that she had witnessed. As soon as Harry got let into his moms house, she picked up her card and chocolates from the floor and then went back into her house.

Will their friendship ever be restored?

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[introvertguide]

Oh, You Thought That Movie Was Long...

So I told my housemates that I was going to watch Gone with the Wind and I would be in my room for a the afternoon. Sometimes they get a little noisy so I let them know when I am doing online tutoring or if I am watching a movie that I am reviewing so they don’t literally yell right outside my door. It is sad I have to tell them every time, but at least they respect my requests (especially when it comes to the tutoring). Instead of the normal “yeah, sure” or “no problem,” we ended up basically playing a game of who had seen the longest film and this culminated in a search for what the longest cinematic film of all time was. Here are some results if you ever get into this game or you want to challenge yourself:

Intolerance (1916): 2hr 43min, black and white, silent film

This movie is not all that long compared to others, but it is silent with really slow music and is split into 4 separate stories that don’t make a lot of sense due to the absence of dialogue. The film is on the AFI top 100 so I am going to have to watch it again sooner or later, but I am really not looking forward to it.

The Lord of the Rings (2001-3): 11hr 16min, trilogy

These movies kind of count because, although they were released separately, it is a continued storyline that was simply broken into 3 parts. Everyone in my house has sat down and watched all three movies consecutively at some point, but I don’t know if it counts because the films are split and everyone took long breaks in between films. I don’t think it is that hard to sit through these films but I am a fan of sci-fi and fantasy. If you are curious, The Hobbit series is quite a bit shorter at only 8hr 52min.

Gone with the Wind (1939): 3hrs 58min, longest film on AFI list

This is the longest running movie on the AFI top 100, but not by that much. There are a dozen movies that dip well into the 3 hour range, but this one beats out Lawrence of Arabia by 10 minutes. Gone with the Wind would actually be 15 minutes shorter if it weren’t for the extended credits, overture, and intermission. Just know you will need to put aside 4 hours to get through the whole thing.

Hamlet (1996): 4hrs 2min, longest movie I have made it through

I had to watch this for my Shakespeare unit when I was in high school and it turned out that I loved it. This is not only the longest movie I have seen, but also one of my favorites. I am a sucker for good Shakespeare remakes and this movie has every single line with nothing cut out. There are a couple of movies that I have seen that are longer, but I did not make it through them without a nap or a very long break. I made it through Hamlet in one sitting with no problems (maybe a bathroom break but that is it).

Amra Ekta Cinema Banabo (2019): Over 21 hours, Bangladeshi

I had to look this one up since I am not very familiar with films out of Bangladesh, but this is apparently the longest cinematic film ever made. Most all of the cinematic films over 5 hours tend to be from Asian countries or France, but this one wins hands down being almost 7 hours longer than second place. It is the story of citizens in the aftermath of the Bangladesh Liberation War of 1971. The film was made over a period of 9 years with 176 days of shooting and around 4000 artists and crew. This did make me more interested in learning about the history of Bangladesh and Pakistan and I am sure it is a fine film, but I don’t think I would be able to make it through this film because 21 hours is just such a long period of time. Maybe in many sittings over a week.

Logistics (2012): 35 days 17 hours; longest released film to date

So that you don’t have to Google it, the longest film that I could find that was actually released was an experimental art film out of Sweden that follows the creation and shipping of a pedometer in real time. The idea is kind of interesting, but I don’t have a month to check this out. Besides the people who actually made the film, I wonder if there is anybody who actually has seen this film in its entirety. I kind of hope not.

So there you go. If you want to play the “longest movie I can name off the top of my head” game or if you are extremely fortuitous and have a bonus question in a pub quiz, you’re welcome. Now excuse me while I try to take notes on Gone with the Wind without dozing off from the heat. It shouldn’t be too hard since I truly love the film, but you never can tell with an epic movie.

*Well, I got a note from someone named @actionbastard1​ who made a fine suggestion for this list in the form of the Erich Von Stroheim film Greed (1925). It is based on the great American novel McTeague and is part of the National Film Registry. This silent black and white contribution had an original theatrical cut that apparently ran over 9 hours for critical review and was 42 reels long. It was eventually cut up by MGM to the point it made no sense and only ran 140 minutes. A 1999 reconstruction was created to try and get a feel for the original cut that runs just slightly short of 4 hours.

[leather-n-laces]

in case you missed it: my 2020

so I’ve been gone for like...a year almost. I did log on time to time to respond to messages bc I didn’t want to ghost anyone. Some of you know what’s up, others dont so if you’re curious. 

THE BAD

2020 was a bad bad bad year personally. LIKE BAD. Shit with my family culminated in me and my bf almost being homeless because my mother was upset that sometimes I would make dinner for just my boyfriend and she would have to cook for herself/my father. SO just getting that out of the way right off. I wont be listing individual instances bc ew.

march 2020: fell, fractured my knee cap - I get a not so great doctor

mid march 2020: ontario goes into a state of emergency due to covid, every closes for a month. I can’t walk ( in a zimmer splint ) and everything is closed. Literally everything

june 2020: I’m walking without the cast now but ouchie. I have atrophied muscles in leg/knee, still can’t get in touch with a doctor. Since COVID numbers aren’t really going down and I’m in the ‘at risk category’ due to pre-existing conditions, I’m still on lockdown. My dog also underwent emergency surgery to remove a tumor growing on her abdomen. 

july-august 2020: finally get to see the doctor, told I need A LOT of physio. I’m not covered and not having worked, couldn’t afford the $1k it would cost. By this time I am also severely, severely depressed. I’m either not eating or binge eating, not sleeping, I spend most every day in a state of panic over everything. I do not/cannot start physio but I also cannot work a 8hr shift on this leg

august-october 2020: tbh this is kind of a blur. We got a vehicle finally. finally. see above re: my family is mental this was a big deal. My depression was easily at its worst. I’m not working, can’t do physio, scared of going back to work without it. I was a wreck. I was also getting tired of of being a wreck. I talk to some close friends on going on antidepressants.

thanksgiving 2020: I talk to my doctor and she says it sounds like I could benefit from antidepressants and I start a prescription. Jersey ( my little dog who had surgery in the spring) is sick with a minor infection. 

november 2020: it’s like a fog has lifted and I feel...human. For the first time in my whole life I feel normal. I’m on my full dosage now and my mood has stabilized. I can FUNCTION. I don’t panic about things as much, I’m calmer, I can ‘control’ my thoughts infinitely better and even on the bad days intrusive thoughts are gone or just barely there.

december 2020: we’re tackling my sleep now, still not working (sort of due to fear) jersey is sick. The week before Christmas I end up having to put Jersey down. She went in for constipation, but after having a battery of tests and x-rays done the vet discovered her lungs were filled with tumors. She’s 13 and another surgery would be extremely extremely expensive not to mention incredibly difficult for her, if she survived it her quality of life would be next to none. 

christmas 2020: my bf and I have to get tested for COVID because I’m sick. (we were both negative) 

---

I’m not back at work yet. Honestly, I’m kind of scared at this point because I’ve been gone so long. I’m really worried about going back but I think that’s normal. I have to rip the bandaid off eventually though. My goal is to be back working by the end of February (assuming I’m healthy) I’m a bit worried about having to pay taxes but my boyfriends already committed helping me pay back the CERB (government relief which was taxable...) I’d gotten. Sadly we couldn’t save as much of it as I had hoped. 

thanks to my medication I’m able to...do things. I stick to a routine, I go to sleep before 1am most nights (that’s a big change for me, believe me), my room is clean for the longest it’s been in my life. I’m showering, I’m taking care of my skin. These are all super insane massive deals to me. I’m mentally in such a better spot, I’m even considering getting a pet. For the last few years 6+  I haven’t even owned fish. I had the dogs but I wouldn’t let myself get anything for fear of not being able to look after it. 

Well now I’m looking into getting a crested gecko. I’m hoping I can make this happen relatively soon (as we’re going to be in lockdown until my birthday at least) but we’ll see. I’m in a better place now. My living arrangements haven’t changed sadly, but I’m handling it better. Once I’m working again I can start actively saving and hopefully within a  year or two at most, we can get out of here. 

[foxwatchesanime]

How I stopped caring about comments: A rambly post by me

This is rambly so hold onto your seats, I apologies. 

I’ve been thinking a lot about comment/review culture in the last few months, particularly after returning to a brand new fandom as a writer and regular content creator. Maybe this is something I’ve been thinking about for a while, maybe not, but I wanted to share my thoughts on the way I perceive comments, how it’s changed for me since I’ve been in fandom and I’d love to hear from other people what their opinion is and how they relate to comments on their work.

I’ve been creating content in fandom spaces for about eleven years now. I started out on YouTube when I joined my first fandom, Merlin, and I made my first fanvideos in 2009. In December of 2009, I published my first fanfiction, plus one sequel which remains unfinished as well as a few other smaller projects. In October of 2010, I published my first podfic and would go on to publish two more. My focus in fandom had always been YouTube, where I regularly created fanvideos. My schedule was never consistent, as with most vidders back in the day, but I’d be comfortable in saying I posted regularly discounting three unintentional hiatuses, one in 2013 following the Merlin finale, one in 2015 probably due to a lack of inspiration and one in 2017 after what I was sure was going to be my permanent comeback to YouTube, only for my hard drive to break and delete all my footage yeeeeeey. 

I’ve now made an actual, official return to my original platform, this time creating videos for my new passion and fandom: anime. Since February of 2020 I’ve also been regularly publishing fic and have no desire to stop doing so. I’m thoroughly invested in new fandom spaces again and am engaging with its fans and the content. 

But the one thing I have seen change drastically in my approach to things is commenting, following and general engagement. 

Let’s take a step back. 

When I first started posting content, comments were not something I even had in my consciousness. I think I knew YouTube comments existed, but I didn’t really pay attention to it. I didn’t even know what subscribers were until I started hearing other people talk about them and then I suddenly felt like it’s something I should be keeping an eye on myself. 

In a centuries old vlog of mine that is now private on my channel, I noticed that when I hit 100 subscribers, I made a video thanking everyone because I was so excited that with more subscribers, I was going to “make more friends.” Oh dear xD 

But the truth is, I have been consistently and chronically bad at keeping up with or caring about the analytics of my various platforms. It wasn’t till writing this post today that I went to check my FF.net account to see how many comments my first two Merlin fics ever got. I still couldn’t tell you my exact number of YouTube or Ao3 subscribers, how many hits or kudos my fic have and I don’t think I’ve ever checked my bookmarks for notes, or whatever you’re able to leave on there. 

Commenting culture on YouTube, for all my joking earlier, was primarily about connection, at least back then. Most of the old guard have moved on and those who have remained are now vidding in other fandoms. The social aspect of YouTube in my opinion has changed dramatically since I was at my peak output on there, but I remember how interactive the comments sections used to be. They literally were, where you made friends.  

A couple of years ago, me and a friend of mine started a Merlin podcast called Merlisten. We created it for fun and without many expectations of what might come out of it. And it was this that changed my relationship with commenting for good. 

Doing Merlisten felt, for the first time in a long time, like pure creativity and passion without anyone’s permission. We always encouraged people to leave feedback as one does, but I don’t think either of us expected to get much, if any. Even considering the incredible support we’ve received with feedback coming in almost every single episode now, there is still a clear and overwhelming gap between the amount of comments given to an episode of Merlisten, to one of my old fanvids or fics. It’s even more interesting when one considers how much more effort and time went into creating Merlisten compared to say, editing or writing, at least for me personally. The amount of man hours spent on creating one 2.5 hour episode from pre-production to final posting often outweighs any other video or chapter I’ve created. Not always, but often. 

What struck me as interesting, however, was that even though comments weren’t always consistent and I always love and continue to love reading them, it’s not what was fuelling me to work hard on this project. I was doing it because I adored it and I knew it was something I was proud to put into the world. 

And that literally changed everything.

I think for a long time, I was always trying to cater my art to what might get the most attention or please the widest demographic of people. It’s how you think when you’re young and you don’t know any better. But for the first time, I was creating something on my own terms that I had no idea if anyone would even listen to and the actual creative process of making said art was ten times more rewarding than any single comment I could ever read. Which really, what I realised, is what art is supposed to be. I can safely say that if Merlisten didn’t get a single comment from here on in, I would still want to see it to its conclusion for one very simple reason: Because I had something to share. 

This brings me to my recent return to writing fic in fandom and it’s not a decision I’ve regretted for a second. More than anything, I’ve realised how personal art can really be, especially when it’s in writing. I’ve found it revealing and cathartic and fascinating in a way that I didn’t ever imagine.

But more importantly, I’ve realised that the real beauty for me in engaging in art is the ability to get an emotional response from it or to relate to it. And that goes for both other people’s work and my own. I can feel just as invested in my own work as someone else’s and that’s not because I think my work is amazing, it’s because I know it’s come from something that was living in me. When I put something out there that I made with my own two hands, that feeling now trumps any sort of feedback I could possibly get and that’s the endorphin I live off. 

Don’t mistake this for me not liking comments, that’s obviously not true. My brain gets the same dopamine hit as anyone’s when I get a notification for something or other, but I’ve realised that I have a very specific relationship with comments that I definitely didn’t have before, if my requests for review on FF.net is anything to go by.

Now, what I find exciting and thrilling is the thought that, if writing this fic got this sort of emotional response out of me, the writer, I wonder if there are other people out there who think the same way I do? Who have a similar way of experiencing joy or suffering or humour or who like the same things as me? That, is an insanely invigorating feeling. And then when someone chooses to take time out of their day to tell you that what came from your head is the same sort of way they feel about life? That’s not a comment, that’s not feedback, that’s a connection you have with another person. And that’s where I start to get excited. And it’s taken me this fucking long to realise it. 

Honestly, I was really worried upon returning to writing and vidding this year that my experience working in digital marketing, where everything is about numbers and social media is all about engagement and nothing else, that I would be overwhelmed and not be able to switch off the part of my brain that’s been trained to think like that. I’m so relieved that that’s not the case. 

As previously mentioned, I suck at giving a shit about analytics and looking at my own stats. I couldn’t give a flying fuck. But I did just go and check my YouTube videos since returning back to vidding. Not a single one of them has views over 200 at this point. Most have less than 100. My most viewed video on YouTube has 57,000 views. And the thing is, there might have been a time when I looked at that and thought, well, this means I suck. This means I can’t make art. This means there’s no point to it.

But no, that's not true.

The point is not how many people see it, how many people like it, how many people comment on it. The point is that I made it. I’m going to continue making YouTube videos despite the fact that the algorithm will destroy any chances they have at getting engagement or views. Even if not one single person comments on them. Because when I’ve finally rendered a new video, or finished proof reading a new chapter, I feel so fucking happy that everything else is just window dressing to me now. 

Because not only is online engagement and following such a stab in the dark these days anyway with algorithms changing and trends moving constantly, but this is the real truth about comments, following and feedback:

The truth is, I don’t need a stranger on the internet to praise me so that I can feel good about my art. The day that I start doing that, I’ve already lost. I used to think that way on a regular basis. Guess what, it didn’t make me produce better art. It didn’t make my life better. Because being validated by others never does. It doesn’t matter how many keysmashes I might get or how many sonnets or kind words, because If I don’t like what I create, there isn’t a single human being on the planet who will make me like it, no matter what they say or how they say it. For others, this might not be the case. But this is my reality. 

I know this, because I recently speed-wrote and published a fic for a fanweek. I wrote 13k in about 8hrs. So far, it’s received nothing but positive words. But it doesn’t matter. After I published it, I had a crisis about how it wasn’t good enough, that there should have been an extra arc, that it ended too quickly, that there wasn’t a climax. Even as the comments came in, it didn’t change my mind. Because other people’s comments will never really lead to fulfilment. 

I want you all to know that I get emotional over every single comment that is sent to me. Every personal story, ever keysmash and heartfelt thoughtful message that took the time to analyse my work. Connecting with you guys has been one of the biggest joys of entering this fandom. But it’s not going to be what fuels me to create and to carry on doing the best work I can. All I can do is treat it as the wonderful privilege that it is, and not any part of the reason I do it.  

In conclusion:

Finally, at age 27 and in the midst of enjoying fandom after a very long period of being either meh about it or lurking, I finally feel content with the fact that I want to create in order to put things out into the world that I worked hard on, that I’m passionate about and that hopefully, in whatever way it might be, it might have touched someone who feels the same things too. It makes me feel accomplished, it makes me feel like I might be contributing something small to the world and it makes me feel like maybe one other person was made happy by it. And even if they never tell me that and if no one else ever comments on what I create, or even if they comment on it in spaces that I never see; private servers, chats between friends or blogs that I don’t follow, that’s also fine. Because there’s always at least one person who is going to feel happy that she made something. And that’s me. 

The short version: I never used to care about comments, then I did, and now I no longer do. 

Sorry for the ramble, but I wanted this here for myself to look back upon in case my opinion ever changes on this or I ever start to lose my way again and feel overwhelmed. I’d love to hear your guys’ experiences with this sort of thing and whether you’ve ever felt bogged down by the need for feedback.

[sesamesaysme]

BOOKS FINISHED IN AUGUST 2019 + word cloud of their subjects

(listed in the order that I finished reading them)

Most of this month’s books were so good that I wouldn’t be surprised if half of them make end up making my Top 10 books that I read within this year. 

BAD FEMINIST by Roxane Gay / July 21, 2019 - August 1, 2019 / audiobook version / Summary - Essays exploring being a feminist while simultaneously loving things that could seem at odds with feminist ideology. / Reaction - Roxane Gay’s writing is SO RELATABLE! She allows that we may have principles we strongly support but we are human. Sometimes we find ourselves grooving to songs while knowing the lyrics are degrading or that are made by artists whose actions we don’t agree with. Sometimes we enjoy shows or movies that we know are mediocre and whose messages are flawed. Sometimes we believe in strong women but we want a man to lean on. These are the kinds of things she discusses in this collection of essays. I also previously read her book Hunger and loved that one too. I need to credit her as the writer who made me start enjoying essay collections. 

ANCILLARY JUSTICE by Ann Leckie / July 29, 2019 -  August 6, 2019 / Summary - A sci-fi book set thousands of years in the future in a time and place where the empire uses AIs to control human bodies as soldiers. First book of a trilogy. / Reaction - The reason I was drawn to reading this book is because I heard that it really makes you think about our use of binary pronouns. There are some characters in this book who do not distinguish between gender. Sometimes the same character will be referred to as she by someone and he by someone else and then she again by another person. Furthermore children are not referred to by gender. It disoriented me and I really appreciate that! Sadly that was the only aspect of the book I really liked. The world and characters felt cold to me. I couldn’t feel anything for any of them and I won’t be reading the rest of the trilogy.

SHOE DOG by Phil Knight / July 23, 2019 - August 6, 2019 / audiobook version approx. 13hrs / Summary - Memoir by Nike co-founder Phil Knight which chronicles the story of the Nike company from even before it was named Nike. / Reaction - I didn’t realize I’d be so interested in a book about how the Nike brand was developed but now I think it’s probably going to end up in my Top 10 books I read this year. How was I supposed to know that Shoe Dog would turn out to be an underdog story? In fact, you can even think of this as following the format of one of those heartwarming sports team movies or anime in which one team member after another is recruited into the fold, each with their own quirks. They meld and develop, then defeat their opponents against all odds. Phil Knight writes that these guys are all losers in some way or other, himself included, and almost none of them are athletic, yet they end up being the perfect team to build one of the top athletic brands in the world. They tackle all sorts of business-y problems with gumption and perseverance and are constantly trying to top their rivals adidas. Of course, since the author is one of the Nike owners, it is all from his POV, so you gotta be careful not to come out of reading it thinking the entire company is right in all of its actions. I’m sure there are criticisms about Nike that are still very valid. But that doesn’t take away from the book being a good read.  

CARRY ON, WARRIOR: THOUGHTS ON LIFE UNARMED by Glennon Doyle Melton / August 7, 2019 - August 10, 2019 / audiobook version approx 8hrs / Summary - Glennon Melton believes that if we stop striving to project a mirage of perfection we can get closer to people and build better lives. / Reaction - From the title alone, I thought this would be a book about gun laws! It wasn’t. It’s a nonfic by a mother who is a recovered substance abuser and now shares her struggles with friends/neighbors/readers to connect with them. I’m not a mother or a wife yet but I could still relate to many of the things she talked about. One part I particularly liked was when she described step by step how to get through your day(s). It felt like much of the advice could help anyone whether they are struggling with addiction, depression, or just having a really bad day. 

THE ARTIST’S WAY by Julia Cameron / August 7, 2019 - August 16, 2019 / Summary - An international bestseller which millions of people have found to be an invaluable guide to living the artist’s life./ Reaction - I would say this is like a textbook or workbook for how to unblock your creativity. A lot of creativity, motivation and productivity gurus these days use morning pages and this is the book from which morning pages originated. I’ve already been doing morning pages for about half a year prior to reading this so I’ve been interested in this book for awhile now. This time I borrowed it using the Libby app so I just read it without doing any of the activities. But I plan to get my own physical copy and go through the program in the book. I have a feeling this’ll turn into like a creativity bible for me that I’ll come back to over and over until it’s dog-eared and in rough condition. 

A GENTLEMAN IN MOSCOW by Amor Towles / August 15, 2019 - August 24, 2019 / audiobook version approx. 18hrs / Summary - Count Alexander Rostov is sentenced to house arrest at the grand hotel Metropol in 1922 Russia. The book then spans several decades of his life there. / Reaction - As I listened to this, it was so easy to picture everything that happened. If you like books that cover a long period of time this is a great one. Rather than trying to tell about every month and every year, the story is formed out of perfectly crafted little vignettes that represent different times in his life and they are all so charming. For example, testing out the sounds that different objects make when they are dropped from the floor above and hit the ground, or subtly helping out a young man on a first date by subtly stepping in to suggest the perfect wine that will neither bankrupt him nor make him look like a cheapskate, sneaking in ingredients to cook the perfect dish behind the back of your enemy, or trying to outsmart a 5 or 6-yr-old in a game of hiding. It’s not a particularly quick read, but it’s so freakin’ charming. And the ending turns unexpectedly thrilling as you find out if our Count makes it out of the hotel or not. 

THE COLLECTOR by John Fowles / August 16, 2019 - August 24, 2019 / Summary - A story of obsession about a young butterfly collector who kidnaps a young art student and traps her in the cellar of a house. /Reaction - I guess this would be categorized as a psychological thriller. The setup is very simple but the character development and interaction digs very deep. Essentially you take two very different people, put them in a small space together and watch the interactions. One is male, the other is female. One knows less culture (as in books, art, music etc.) while the other loves those things passionately. One has no relationship experience while the other does. At times you think, ok, this person’s motives are understandable, and at other times you find their actions incredibly disturbing. Then you start wondering what’s wrong with yourself because of those earlier moments when you found the person kinda relatable. Great read. And you can’t predict at all if the girl will survive. At least I couldn’t. 

BAD BLOOD by John Carreyrou / August 24, 2019 - August 30, 2019 / audiobook version approx 12 hrs  / Summary - Wall Street Journal writer John Carreyrou goes in depth into how it was possible for young entrepreneur Elizabeth Holmes to build a multibillion-dollar biotech startup (Theranos) that deceived countless people even though its supposedly revolutionary blood-analyzing device didn’t even work. / Reaction - Man, it really makes you realize how far money and connections can get you. People were fooled and bullied so easily. Throughout the whole book I was like I can’t believe this happened and I can’t believe that happened and holy crap, they seriously got away with that? The second I finished the book I was online googling what happened to Elizabeth Holmes and apparently she’s happily engaged like nothing even happened. 

WHAT AM I READING IN SEPTEMBER?

- currently halfway done with The Cuckoo’s Calling by Robert Galbraith (but really JK Rowling)

- To the Bright Edge of the World by Eowyn Ivey

- Somewhere Only We Know by Maurene Goo

and the rest will just depend on what becomes available from my holds list on Libby