#its all very funny and tiring . second grade me would be so disappointed. right on. righ t on. i just want to cry and its like ok....

[thestarsshone]

hey.... anyways 

[nagitoshopejar]

Took me about two hours with lotsa distractions

And has 1561 words

Theres two prompts in here. In this timeline, everyone's alive. But also this is the second motive. Byakuyas secret surprises everyone(the longer part) and a game of truth or dare(not as long sorry) its 11:44 at night and I'm tired as all hecc

@fluffomatic here you go. Although I didn't exactly use inspiration based off the art you made. I'm really tired and barely know what I'm doing.

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"As your school principle, I am supposed to motivate you! So, for your second motivation, I'll be handing put secrets! Its your decision what you want to do with it." The build a bear reject says. "How am I supposed to get you guys to kill eachother?" Monokuma adds under his breath then disappears. Everyone looks at each other in confusion.

"Secrets?" Aoi had questioned the bear authority despite it already having left. Several thin papers were scattered like snow from what looked like it could only be the ceiling. They all scrambled to pick up the small pieces that had their secrets written upon them.

"Whatever man. Lets just forget about them." Mondo was about to walk out when a certain compass moral stopped him.

"Wait. Lets all share our secrets so that its no longer a motive!" Taka introduced the idea.

"Well, it cant hurt us if we do." Makoto states looking down at his own secret. They gather around in a circle like oval. Chihiro starts.

"... I uhm. I'm actually a boy dressed as a girl. Because people would bully me for being to "weak" or "feminine"." Chihiro looks down as if to be ashamed.

"Theres no need to be ashamed!" Taka gives the small boy a soft smile. Chihiro gives a small smile back, looking up.

"What about yours Taka?" He asks

"Oh! Right!" He lets out a small giggle and unfolds his, "...I uhm oh. I ran in the halls! I'm so sorry everyone! I know, this must be disappointing to hear the ultimate moral compass broke a rule." He acts as if it is shocking.

"No ones disappointed Taka! Its ok to break a rule if its a rare thing to happen." Makoto says.

"Well? Whats your secret?" Taka asks.

"Oh, I uhm. I-" Makoto looked away, a blushing mess. "I wet the bed 5th grade." Makoto said quietly but everyone heard him. A silence overcame them like a light in a dark room.

"I guess its my turn!" Byakuya says, wanting people to not bully or embarrass his boyfriend. "I've never... What?" Byakuya looks confused. "How is this a secret? I've never been tickled." He squints his eyes. Everyone looked shocked. Even Makoto looks shocked.

"Hold up. You've never been tickled?" Yasuhiro had asked.

"Well, for the ultimate progeny, his childhood would be not as "

'childish' as others." Kyoko had said, a hand placed on her chin.

"Agh-!" Byakuya had yelled after he was tackled. Leon had dug into his ribs getting sudden laughter pouring from his mouth. "WAHAHAIT!!" Byakuya was squirming.

"Hey!" Leon got tackled down by Toko. "What the? Why did you do that?" Leon yelled at the writer.

"You're being to rough with him!" Toko yelled at the baseball man. Byakuya started giggling and everyone looked over to see Makoto lightly tracing his abs and ribs.

"Nohohoho!" Byakuya squirmed, trying to get away from Makoto.

"Uh-uh. You're not getting away from me." Makoto teased. Kyoko walked up to Byakuyas squirming body and poked it earning a high squeak amongst the giggles.

"Noho! Dont dohoho that KyokO-" Byakuya started giggling harder when Kyoko started light scribbles on his ribs. He tries to grab her hands but ends up revealing his under arms and having Kyoko quickly shoot into them. "Hohold ohohohon!" He shot his arms down as soon as she did that.

"Oops. My hands are trapped. Guess I'll have to keep tickling you until you put up your arms." She shrugged with a sly smile on her face.

"Hehehehey stahp!" Byakuya reluctantly put up his arms above his head to make Kyoko stop. That only pushed her more. She sat on his hands but made sure not to hurt them and continued her relentless attack. Makoto was going ham on his sides and moved to his belly. Byakuya ended up squirming more than than ever, his laughter going up a few octaves. "HOHOLD ON! STOHAHAP IT PLEAHEEHE-"

"Nah. I'm hungry for a happy Byakuya!" Makoto said leaning down and nibbling ever so lightly on his belly. His eyes shut and a wide smile planted on his face emitting loud giggles like a speaker. Makoto also began dancing his hands hands along his sides, ribs and belly changing suddenly and with no pattern as well.

"Aw. You're so much fun!" Kyoko added some teases to the mix.

When it got to the point of Byakuya not being able to for words they stopped their attacks to give Byakuya a breathing break.

"Hmm. Should we try..?" He looked at Kyoko and she nodded. Makoto made his way down to his ankles. He sat on his calves. He cradled the progeny's ankles in an arm lock. He started snickering and giggling again cutely when Kyoko ran finger down and around his neck. He scrunched up his neck and made a little whining sound which turned into a ridiculously cute sight. Makoto laughed and smiles at this and turned back to his 'assignment'. Makoto traced a finger down the middle of the boys sole. And instantly his giggles went up a little. He messed around and drew shapes with the tip of his fingernail. Byakuya squirmed. Under the weight of his two lers. Makoto used his entire hand to scribble along both of Byakuyas feet. He thrashes, giggling violently.

"Ohohok did I do sohohomethihing?" Byakuyas head was tilted into his arm to try and stifle his giggles. Kyoko and Makoto took this as an opportunity to stop. Makoto walks up towards his head.

"You're so cute Byakuya." He kissed his boyfriends nose making Byakuya more rose coloured. His smile was still widely spread across his face and tears were both streaming and had stained his face. Makoto helped Byakuya up. "You ok?" The small boy said.

"Yea.. I'm fine. Just a little worn out." Byakuya said straightening his glasses ans fixing his hair. They heard a loud obnoxious laugh.

"OK OK IHIHI WOHONT BE SO CAHARLEHESS!" Leon yelled as Toko was going nuts on him.

"Promise?" She asks slyly.

"IHIHIHI PROMIHISE!!" He yelled, squirming under her. Toko relented and let him catch his breath.

"This is a school environment! You cant just do that!" Taka pouts angrily.

"Whatever Taka." Kyoko giggles. "We should hang out tonight. After 10. Truth or dare. Get closer yknow?"

" like a date then." Hifumi says.

"Not you. You're not allowed to come." Kyoko states glaring at Hifumi.

"I guess we should wait until then. I'm off." Makoto said dragging Byakuya to his room. Byakuya and Makoto were cuddling until something actually happened Makoto was being the little spoon. "Mmm Byakuya-" he tried to stifle his giggles as his boyfriend traced shapes on his belly.

"Wow Makoto. Your skin is so soft." He smiled, tracing the skin around hus navel.

"Byahakuyaaaa stoooop!" Makoto squirmed in the progeny's thouch.

"Aw. But such soft skin deserves to be caressed and needs attention." Byakuya cooed at the smaller boy.

"Heheheheh!" Makoto was giggling so hard he could barely make out any words. Togami smiled mischievously. He dug his fingers into Makoto belly on both sides of his navel. "BYAKUYAHAHAHAH! NOOOOO STAHP!" Makoto laughed out loud and threw his head out.

"Aw. Your face is sooo cute Makoto." Byakuya teasy complimented him and stopped his attack. They slept until 10 pm. It was the Monokuma night announcement that woke them up. They headed to the gym still a little groggy from their nap. As soon as they opened the gym doors, the light blinded them.

"You made it!" Aoi cheered happily.

"Yup!" Makoto smiled. They once again, sat in a circle wondering whos gonna go first.

"Taka! Truth or dare!" Aoi asked excitedly.

"Uh.. Truth." Taka answered a bit scared that if he said dare, Aoi would make him do something bad.

"Do you like anyone?" Taka was taken aback by such a common question coming from Aoi.

"Oh uhm. I like Mondo." Taka answered without hesitation. Mondo became a blushing mess and looked away.

"Makoto. Truth or dare?" Taka asked the small boy of hope.

"Uh dare."

"Hmm... I dare you to uhm.." Taka looked around a bit. "I dare you to throw that garbage away!" Makoto was surprised and not surprised but did it anyways.

"Hey Byakuya. Truth or dare."

"Dare. Truth seems to be to boring." He looked at Aoi. Aoi seemed to look through his soul.

"Let us tickle you." The small boy said.

"What?" Byakuya was taken aback, surprised.

"Let us tickle you." Makoto smiled at this thought.

"Well, the ultimate progeny doesn't count on giving up. Very well." He lifted up his arms leaving all his spots free to whoever wanted to join. Makoto slipped his hand under Byakuyas shirt and scribbled. Byakuya started laughing instantly. "Makohohoto!" He whined, knowing he couldn't beg for Makoto to stop.

"Whats wrong? Why are you laughing? Nothings going on? Whats so funny?" He asked and byakuya had never answered. Makoto lifted the taller boys shirt up leaned his head down. He blew the longest raspberry anyone has ever seen. He laughed louder and shot his hands down. Makoto stopped his attack. "You didn't last to long." Makoto says.

"Yea. You should lengthen that by training with Aoi and myself." Sakura said with a sly smirk. They continued the game for most of the night the headed off to bed.

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I hope you liked it!

[yunho-es]

Member/s: Wooyoung (ATEEZ)

Genre: soft

Warnings: swear words

Words: 2043

Before reading, I want you to know that I don't use any names or Y/n's because I know many people don't really insert their names, they read it as Yin 😂 I also write in first person pov because I think it's easier to read and imagine yourself in that situation

Beads of sweat slowly rolled down my forehead as I pulled out a piece of paper from my sleeve. I knew that the exam would be hard, but I wasn't expecting it to be this detailed. Thank God my friend made me write it all on a small piece of paper. At least I will get a positive grade. Of course he made me do it, he passed the school with those. Thankfully, he didn't go to medicine school. If I ever ended up on his surgery table, I would die.

Three more minutes until the end and one more question unanswered. The teacher noticed me shifting in my seat, but she knew I always get good grades. She finally stopped looking at me and gave her attention to a group of boys trying to switch their papers. I glanced one more time at the piece of paper and put it back in my sleeve. Just as I finished the answer, the bell rang. Half of the class groaned, probably because they didn't manage to finish in time. I took my backpack and left the paper with my name on the main table.

"Good job! Honestly, your exams are always my favorite to grade. I'm really happy to have a student like you."

"Thank you, Mrs Johnson. See you on Monday."

Once I got outside I noticed the sky already getting dark. It was just 5 pm and winter was already doing it's job; the roads were wet and slippery from mixed rain and snow and it must've been under 0 Celsius. Usually I walk home because it's not far away, but my school uniform, rain and cold weather didn't go well together. I was just about to call my roommate when I felt car lights on me, followed by a familiar voice.

"I think quicker than you do." Wooyoung smiled as he opened the door. "Get in please I don't want to spend the next week taking care of an annoyingly picky roommate. I have plans to get drunk and do something stupid."

"You do stupid things anyway without drinking. So save the money and the time. And oh, save me from embarrassment." I get in the car sticking my tongue out at him. "Did you cook anything? I'm starving."

"No, of course. I slept the whole day." I look at him, hoping to see a smile on his face that would give me a sign that he's joking. "Don't look at me like that, I was tired from the night shift. I'll take you to McDonald's." he drove out of the school parking.

"I don't want trash, Wooyoung. I want food." I groaned. He told me that he would try cooking something, but it's been a week and he didn't do anything. "Please buy some pasta and tomato sauce I'll make something."

"Honestly, I really don't feel like waiting. And McDonald's is f**king awesome!" his hand reached out to turn on the radio. "How can you not love the little purple box full of 12 golden beauties?"

It did sound good, but we haven't eaten any "real" food for a month and my stomach started to ache. Living with Wooyoung has its bad and good sides, the bad sides mainly being his laziness and stubbornness. Speaking of stubbornness, of course he took the left turn towards McDonald's.

"What do you want?"

"What a polite way to ask me. You've loosened up I see." I frown at him. He rolls his eyes dramatically and turns towards me with his whole body.

"Your Highness, what do you wish to consume today?"

"That's just too much."

"What the h*ll do you want? I'm taking 3 burgers and fries and you aren't touching them." the brown haired boy points his finger towards my face. I squint my eyes at him, then bite his finger. "Crazy woman."

"Hello, may I take your order?"

"Hello, yes. I'd like a..."

***

"Is this place good enough for the Queen?" Wooyoung spoke with his mouth full of fries and ketchup. We sat on the roof of his car on a parking lot near a river. The place is good enough for the Queen.

"Eat before you speak, what's wrong with you?" I laugh at him, seeing that he spilled the ketchup on his t-shirt. "No girl will want you like this."

"To be honest I'm not interested right now." he replied immediately.

I'd lie if I said that my heart didn't sink a bit. Whoever said that boys and girls can't be friends was right. One side always catches feelings, big or small. In my case, I believe it's a small crush. He's the only boy I hang out with, so that must be why.

"Why?" I allow myself to ask.

"I had a little crush on a girl but I had to give it up." he kept stuffing his mouth with food, trying to avoid the conversation.

"And...?" I look at him expecting more. But he keeps his mouth shut and folds the paper of the burgers in his hands.

"Are you thirsty?" Wooyoung offers a can of soda, still looking at his fingers.

"Yes, thank you." he opens the can for me, first taking a sip himself, then giving the green beverage to me. I drink the whole can almost immediately.

"You could've said earlier that you were thirsty, I had water in the car." his tone visibly changed. He sounded more serious now, as if he just wanted to go home and lock himself in the room. "Want another one?" he reaches for another can.

"I think I have one more sip here." I throw my head back trying to drink every single drop of the refreshing juice. I slowly started to lean back, forgetting that I'm not in the chair but on the roof of the car. "Sh*t!" I curse as I almost fall on the rocky floor.

"Hey!" Wooyoung quickly reacts and grabs my hands, pulling me towards him. All the empty cans rolled down on the floor, making loud noises. "You good?" he asks, eyes on my face.

His hands felt so warm around mine. I really didn't want to let go. "I'm good." I pull away, trying to get down to collect the cans.

"Leave the d*mn cans there. You almost fell down. Do you see those rocks down there? What if you hit your head? What would I do?"

"I'd pay to get your car cleaned from my blood, Wooyoung." I laugh, but when I notice that his face didn't change, my smile drops. "What's wrong? Why isn't it funny when I say something like this?"

"Behind all these jokes you have to understand that you are very important to me and I have a soft spot for you. If anything happened to you my life would stop. I'm a serious man behind all my sarcastic jokes. Please watch yourself, because I can't do it all the time. It takes a second to turn a peaceful situation into a disaster."

I stare at him with my mouth a little open. I'm surprised at his words, I never heard him talk like this. I manage to say a sorry, turning my head away from him.

After a few seconds of silence, which seemed like hours, he got down and picked up all the cans, then offered me his hand. "Be careful." I put my hand in his, slowly getting down on the floor. "What dumbass even puts these rocks on the parking lot?" he picks up a few of them and pushes them away, leaving the bigger and heavier ones where they were.

"I think because they don't want someone else to have the spot." I watch as he tries to move a few more rocks. "Leave it, you're gonna hurt yourself. Let's just go back home, please?"

"Alright." he leaves the rocks and opens the door for me. Then he proceeds to enter the car himself. "But just for the record, I could've moved those rocks." his lips curved in a small smile. He can't help himself.

***

It suddenly became quiet in the house. Wooyoung layed on the sofa, watching the TV, and I sat on the floor behind the coffee table with my back leaning on the sofa.

"I'm a bit disappointed that we didn't take any photos." I pouted, scrolling down my Instagram feed. He didn't respond. I kept quiet for a few more minutes, then broke the silence again. "Do you think you could pick me up tomorrow from school again?" again, no answer.

I turn around towards him and see that his eyes are closed. He fell asleep while watching the TV. I took a blanket from my room and layed next to him under it. It's not my first time napping with him, but most of the time he refuses. He says that he is a kicker in his sleep and that he doesn't want to hurt me.

The sofa in our living room is quite small so I have to basically lay on Wooyoung. Just as I close my eyes, I feel his hand around my waist, bringing me even closer to him. Now my head was on his chest and I was surrounded by his scent and warmth. This must be what heaven feels like. Usually when we sleep like this together, it takes us a few hours to fall asleep. Mainly because he can't stop making jokes and I can't stop laughing. But this is different. It's calm. It's beautiful.

I couldn't tell if he was asleep or just pretending. He held me close and rubbed my back slowly. "Wooyoung?" I tried calling.

"Hm?" he responds sleepily.

"Are you okay?" I look up at him. His eye are still closed, but his fingers are still drawing tiny patterns on my waist and back.

"Mhm." again, I receive a short answer. When I try to move and give him some space so he can sleep peacefully, he opens his eyes to look at me. "Please don't move. I want to sleep like this." one of his hands moved my hair from both of our faces. "Please?" he asked, almost whispering.

I have never witnessed this side of Wooyoung. His voice was different, his movements were different, his eyes were different. This is the Wooyoung I wanted for myself, but couldn't have him. It took me a few longer seconds to realise that we are staring at each other, doing nothing but breathing quietly. Once his hot breath fell on my lips I couldn't help but close my eyes and sigh. Right now, I hoped for one thing to happen.

"Why can't I have you like this every day?" his soft voice whispered. I try to speak, but as soon as I move my lips, I feel something soft brushing against them. My breath stops and I force myself to open my eyes. He's looking down at my lips as if thinking if the next step is smart to do. I allow myself a moment of bravery and I put my hands on his chest, getting closer to him. "F**k it." he mutters, finally putting his hands on my cheeks and pressing his lips against mine.

His lips must've been the softest thing to exist on this planet. I tried to move, but my body was frozen. I couldn't do anything, just lay and enjoy the softness and the warmth of his lips. He pulled away for a second, trying to say something, but when he didn't succeed, he went back to the older position. Then, again, he pulls away.

"You are so sweet. You taste like I always imagined." the red cheeked boy whispers, brushing the tip of his nose against mine.

"More, please." I manage to say. My lips and throat are dry, my mind is going crazy, and my stomach is witnessing fireworks. Wooyoung smiles, still not letting go of my cheeks. "Please." I get impatient.

He leans in again, this time kissing me with more passion. It stopped being sweet and soft, now only one word existed in my mind: more. And he happily listened.

[peachymarkeu]

𝓟𝓪𝓲𝓻𝓲𝓷𝓰: NCT 127 x OC

𝓖𝓮𝓷𝓻𝓮: Fluff, Angst & Suggestive

𝓢𝓾𝓶𝓶𝓪𝓻𝔂: What is it like being an 18 year old girl that had just moved into her new apartment and then suddenly meeting the people she would consider to be her brothers while being away from her parents?

𝓜𝓪𝓼𝓽𝓮𝓻𝓵𝓲𝓼𝓽

𝓒𝓱𝓪𝓹𝓽𝓮𝓻 4: 𝓣𝓱𝓮 𝓒𝓸𝓶𝓯𝓸𝓻𝓽 𝓣𝓱𝓪𝓽 𝓘 𝓝𝓮𝓮𝓭𝓮𝓭

Kringg...Kringg...Kring…

‘Uh- the hell is that sound, can’t you see I’m sleeping’ I thought.

The ringing sound stopped for a while so I continued sleeping peacefully until.

Kringg…Kringg... Kring…

‘Oh come on again.’ I thought in my sleep again.

Once again the ringing stopped and I went back to sleep again.

Kringg....Kringg...Kringg… 

“Aish what is that sound.” I said while looking for my phone on the nightstand.

I was pushing stuff off the stand until I found my phone. When I got it I realized that it was the one that was making the loud ringing noise.

“Agh- I was sleeping so well then I heard this aish. The hell its only ei-” I cut my rambling once I saw the details on my phone.

January 8, 2021 | Monday | 8:30 am

‘Shit, I’m LATE!’

I got up as quickly as I could and went straight to the bathroom. Since I’m already so late there was no time to take a shower and fix my hair and stuff. All I did was brush my teeth, comb my hair and started to put on my uniform. After putting on my uniform I went out of the bathroom and went straight to my front door to put on my shoes. I didn’t bother getting breakfast at this point, I can just eat something in the cafeteria. After putting on my shoes I got my school bag, coat and keys and went out of my apartment. Once I got out I saw Auntie Minjie getting ready to go out, to the grocery i guess since she there was a little shopping stroller beside her.

“Oh good morning Yuna!” Auntie Minjie Greeted me.

“Good morning Auntie Minjie! Sorry I really need to go now I'm super late for school!” I told her while running backwards towards the elevator.

“Have a good day and travel safe!” she told me while waving.

“Thank you! You too!” I yelled back still while running.

I was near the elevator and saw the doors slowly closing. 

“WAIT!” I yelled and put my hand in between the doors before it closed so that It wouldn’t close.

I got inside and leaned on the elevator walls. The ground floor button was already pressed so I didn’t have to worry about that anymore. I closed my eyes while trying to catch my breath from all the running.

‘Ugh, what way to start the week’ I thought to myself

My hair was covering my face which was why I couldn’t really see whoever was inside the elevator as well. I didn’t even care who was inside. The only thing in my mind was getting to school before the bell rings. I checked the time using my phone and saw 8;45 am flashed on my screen. This was a huge problem. Still need to learn how to get to my school from my apartment. I hit my head 3 times and tried to compose a plan before getting off the elevator.

‘Ok so I’ll search for the directions on my phone, make a run for it and pray that I’ll be able to get to school on time.’ I formulated my plan in my head.

I opened my navigation app and placed my location and the school’s location. I loaded real quickly so I saw the calculations and directions for me to get to my school. It said that it was a 30 minute walk to my school from my apartment so if I run to school I might get there twice as fast and half the time. 

Once the elevator doors opened I sprinted out the elevator and the building. I kept running while looking at my phone for the directions. I was halfway to my school until I tripped and scraped my knees. I saw that my shoes were untied. I guess I didn’t notice them getting untied while I was running.

“Aish you’re so stupid Yuna. You should’ve double tied your shoes so that this wouldn't have happened now you’re wasting time.” I said, talking to myself like a crazy person.

I got up again and checked my phone for the directions. I checked the time and it read 8:55 am. I only had 5 minutes left. I ran as fast as I could until I reached my school. When I arrived I was already 10 minutes late for class. I sprinted up the stairs up until the 3rd floor. I arrived at my classroom and opened the sliding door forcefully which made a loud noise. Every head in the classroom turned to me including the teacher.

“Kim Yuna late.” the teacher announced to the class.

“I’m sorry sir I woke up late this morning and-” I rambled.

“I don’t care about your excuses so go and take your seat. You’ve already disturbed the class.” the teacher snapped at me. 

I bowed to him still as a sign of respect and quietly proceeded to my seat. As I walked across the room all eyes were still on me. Classmates of mine were whispering at each other and were chuckling while looking at me. I must’ve looked like such a wreck. I felt so humiliated that I kept my head down while walking. When I reached my empty seat, I saw my elementary friend, Lee Sungho sitting beside it.

“Hey Yuna, you alright…?” he asked me carefully.

Before I could answer him the teacher cut me.

“So what were we discussing before I was rudely interrupted by your classmate Miss Kim Yuna?” he said, emphasising the word rudely as if he was rubbing it on my face.

I heard a few of my classmates laughing before the teacher continued with his lesson. I’ve never felt so humiliated in my life that tears were brimming my eyes. I felt Sungho tap my shoulder lightly as a sign of comfort. I looked at him and gave him a small smile, assuring him that I was alright. After that I tried my best to focus on the discussion while  restricting myself from letting my tears fall.

*School Chime Ring*

“Class Dismissed. Everyone may now step out of the classroom except for Ms. Kim Yuna” the teacher said while fixing his things on his desk.

‘Well shit’ I thought to myself.

“Yuna-yah, I’ll wait for you outside,” Sungho told me. I bowed to him as an acknowledgment as he strutted out the classroom.

Slowly, I walked to the front of the classroom to Mr. Park’s table. He was fixing some papers on his desk when he lifted his head and looked at me very sternly.

“Miss Kim, I am quite disappointed with you. You are close to failing my class then I see you come to class 15 minutes late.” he said in a very strict manner.

“I’m sorry” I said, bowing my head.

“You are in your senior year. You know that grades are very important to pass your college. You better study and get your grades up. I don’t want to see you coming to class late again. If you continue to have bad grades, say goodbye to entering college because there is no way I will be passing you in my class.” Mr. Park said while grabbing his things and stepping out of the classroom.

I was left alone in the classroom with tears streaming down my face. As I felt them cascading down, I rubbed them off using the back of my hand. I got my things and went outside to meet Sungho who was waiting for me.

“Yah, you alright?” Sungho asked me. His face was full of concern.

“Hm… I’m alright.” I said hiding my sadness with a small smile.

We proceeded to go to the cafeteria for lunch. When we got there, students were lined up, some were even cutting in line just to get what they wanted. Sungho and I waited patiently in line. He sparked up a conversation about his funny experience during his soccer training yesterday. I laughed at all his stories which made my mood become better until.

“Yah move” she said in a very annoyed tone. She cut in line and was now infront of me.

Gwan Aeri. The girl who seems to be so annoyed with me everytime. I don’t know why she’s so annoyed with me since I never did anything to her. Plus, she’s my number one bully. She would push me around, embarrass me and all that stupid stuff. Good thing she wasn’t in Mr. Park’s class. If she was, I would be suffering a lot by now.

I saw her getting her food already so Sungho and I got our trays and started to get food as well. She didn’t get much only bread and milk. I saw her open the milk carton and turn towards me. She bumped me intentionally and “accidentally” spilled her milk on me. My uniform top was drenched in milk.

“Oops, sorry.” Aeri said to me without any sincerity.

All the students inside the cafeteria were looking at me. Some were whispering, somewhere chuckling at me again. Sungho took off his jacket and put it on my shoulders to cover me up. Tears were pricking my eyes again from the second time I got humiliated. I continued to get my food with Sungho. Sungho thought that it was better to eat out in the schoolyard rather than inside the cafeteria. We ate in silence. Sungho would sometimes spark up a conversation but I really wasn’t up to talk at that moment.

After lunch, classes continued and I really was not in the mood to listen to the teachers. I would sometimes doodle, stare at something or just zone out. The day miraculously ended really fast and I went home right away. I felt so physically and mentally drained. While walking home, pain from my scraped knee was now there so every step, there was always this stinging sensation. 

I got home and entered the elevator. No one was inside so I sat down on the floor and let my tears fall freely. I hated this day. First I came in late while I scraped my knee, I got scolded and got milk poured all over me. I was completely done for today. When I entered my apartment I dropped my bag and went straight to bed, ignoring the huge amount of assignments I needed to accomplish, and took a really long nap.

I woke up and looked outside my window and saw that it was already dark. The nap helped me recharge physically but I was still tired mentally. I didn’t know what got into me but I found myself going to the building's veranda and just enjoying the city’s view. To be honest, this was the most relaxing part of my day. I was drowning myself in the city’s noise and view until I heard the door to the veranda open. I was ready to tackle this person down but was then surprised to see who was there.

“Oh, Yuna-yah annyeong!” Taeil Oppa said.

“Taeil Oppa annyeong!” I said back less nervous knowing that we’ve already met.

He sat beside me while looking at the view. We both enjoyed the silence until he spoke up.

“How was your day? I saw you sprinting out the elevator this morning.” he said while I was shocked.

“H-how di-” 

“I was the one inside the elevator with you. Didn’t know that you didn't notice me. I was about to call out to you until you ran out once the doors opened.” he said to me which made me remember everything that happened that day again. Tears were brimming my eyes again and Taeil Oppa took notice of it while staring at my face. Before I could answer his question earlier he spoke again.

“You know, whenever I feel down or frustrated I would always come up here and relax to let out everything.” he said and I looked at him. He was looking out into the horizon while speaking then his eyes were back to me.

“You don’t have to keep it to yourself. You don’t have to stop yourself from crying. You can let it all out.” he said in the softest voice. 

With this, tears fell down my cheeks nonstop. Taeil Oppa pulled me to his chest and hugged me tightly and I cried my heart out. I cried for a while but he never let me go. When I stopped crying and had already collected myself Taeil Oppa spoke again.

“I hope you feel better now since you’ve let it all out.” he said and smiled at me and I smiled back.

“Thank you Oppa.” I said to him while still smiling.

“You know it's getting quite chilly already. How about we go to our apartment and we’ll have some ramen.” he said.

“I-uh thank you for the offer but don’t want to disturbed you guys.” I said trying to politely decline but he still insisted.

“ No, no it's alright, we’ve got the day off tomorrow so it's no problem.” he said.

“We’ll if it won't be a problem to you guys” I said

“Ok lezgetit” he said in a high tone which made me giggle.

We both went to the door and he opened it for me. I went inside and he followed.

‘That was the comfort that I needed’

[somefantasticplace]

STAND UP IF YOU'VE GOT ARTHRITIS

Bob Mortimer recently came out about his arthritis. The lawyer-turned-comedian talks to Cathy Debenham

Bob Mortimer's style of comedy is really physical so it comes as a big surprise to learn that he has rheumatoid arthritis. Slapstick clowning with a surreal edge is what we have come to expect from Bob and his long-term partner Vic Reeves, and they don't disappoint. Swinging, spider-like, from a studio roof, and hitting each other with giant frying pans are regular features of their popular TV series' Families A War and Shooting Stars. Over the 15 years he has had arthritis, Mortimer has learnt to manage the condition. However, he has discovered that the stress of his job tends to cause flare-ups of his arthritis.

"It's just completely triggered by stress which is something I would never had believed," he says. 'Whenever I'm about to go on tour, bang. And whenever I'm about to start a television series, bang. I have to accept that, for me, it is triggered by stress. I don't like to [take drugs for it all the time]. I try to not be too active because that will bring it on. I've stopped doing sport."

However Mortimer does use medication to get through filming and touring. "When I am about to go on tour, I have a big injection of cortisone in my bum that lasts for the tour, plus I have my steroids," he adds. "'I don't know if it's a good thing to be doing, but I can manage the pain by throwing drugs at it. When the tour has finished, generally my attack has finished, so I stop taking them. I'm doing damage to myself, that's the problem because I'm not noticing the pain, but it's the job I do. If my job involved something like that 52 weeks a year it would be ridiculous to be just throwing steroids at it, but as I just have to do it from time to time, that's what I do." Mortimer is from Middlesbrough. One of four boys, his father died when he was six. Unlike many comedians he wasn't the class comic. "I was in a group of friends and we all thought we were funny," he says, "but I just played football really." His dream was to be a professional footballer, and he won a training place with Middlesbrough FC. "The system was that when you were 15 you were in what was called the "boys". The scouts went out to the schools and then at the end of the year you were signed as a proper apprentice. But when the day came I was taken into the office and I wasn't signed up. That was the end of that." Mortimer is very matter of fact about missing out on his dream, and doesn't bear any grudges. "I remember being sad," he says, "but I don't remember it being a real big deal. I don't think my mum was going to let me anyway." Instead he trained as a solicitor (but he remains a keen Middlesbrough supporter), and worked in law centres in Manchester and Middlesbrough and in a legal aid firm in Peckham, South London. It was when he was working in Peckham, aged 28, that he got arthritis. "I woke up one morning and I couldn't lift my head off the pillow, and I knew there was something terribly, terribly wrong," he says. As is the case for many people with inflammatory arthritis, getting a diagnosis was a slow progress. "A friend got me an ambulance and I went to hospital and they thought perhaps it was a heart attack or a virus - and said go and see your GP," he remembers. "I just collapsed with the pain of it all and went to hospital again, and again they said virus. So I went through this awful limbo period. I had about a year of not really knowing what was wrong with me and it was deteriorating quite rapidly. I had to be dressed and all that business. The delay was simply one of those cases where my GP wanted me to go and see a rheumatologist and I had to wait for about eight months."

In the end Mortimer got tired of waiting and paid to see a rheumatologist privately. "'At the back of my mind I'd probably say I'm anti-private medicine, but come the crunch I was given a terrific service," he admits. "They did my X-rays; they did my blood tests while I sat there and two hours later I was diagnosed and treated. My memory is that it was something like £100 and, I've got to be honest, it was one of the best £100 [I've spent]." For a man who is a national celebrity, and must be earning a fair whack, Mortimer is remarkably down to earth. "I only went private myself that one time. Just to find out what was wrong," he says. Now he sees his local NHS GP. There's still a bit of the bluff northerner about him that says that certain things are man's work and neither arthritis or his income are going to stop him doing them. "As the fella in the house I should be doing the digging, fencing and stuff, so I feel I have to for my male pride. But you do pay a price for it. Arthritis and heavy digging really don't go together." He is immediately uncomfortable with my suggestion that he could afford a gardener. "I think the idea of staff is a bit difficult," he says. "When we had the children we got a cleaner in for a couple of weeks and it just felt so odd. I don't know why. I don't feel very comfortable with the idea of telling people to dust things, so the house is a mess."  Mortimer is self-effacing and appears genuinely surprised that he might be considered a role model for other young people with arthritis. He is also self-deprecating about his success. "We're just a couple of clowns really"' he says. "It's just slapstick - it's silliness really. Me and Jim [otherwise known as Vic] think we are funny. We just do what we do really. If it makes us laugh we do it."

His move into comedy happened more or less by accident. "I was working as a solicitor and I went to see a character called Vic Reeves doing a show in a room above a pub. He was a friend of a friend, and from the same neck of the woods as me. I though he was hilarious. There were only about eight people in the audience, who were actually all Vic's friends. I kept going and we just became a group of mates and did the show every Thursday. We weren't professional comedians. We just did it in this room. Then all of a sudden Michael Grade was there and asked us to put it on telly. I wasn't a good solicitor and I didn't enjoy being a solicitor, but it's a very difficult thing to turn your back on because you've put a lot into it. I was very lucky, because it's only something as ridiculous as being offered the chance to go on telly that would have given me the bottle to pack it in." The result was Vic Reeves Big Night Out on Channel 4, and Reeves & Mortimer have not looked back since. The partners recently changed direction with Randall & Hopkirk (Deceased), a revamp of the cult 70s detective series. This foray into straight acting received mixed reviews, but they must have done something right as the BBC has commissioned a second series. "It was a big change, we're not actors," says Mortimer. "From a selfish point of view it was nice because it was the first thing we haven't written. It was nice to just turn up and have a bash and not feel completely responsible for everything."

Mortimer's arthritis hasn't had too much impact on his work, although a couple of days filming were lost on Families At War when it recently spread to his eyes, ears and testicles. Unlike others in his position he isn't worried that speaking about it will lead to discrimination. "If my arthritis was such that it did stop me working, I suppose I would wonder if I wanted it on the papers that 'Bob has to pull out of something because of...' he admits. But as far as he is concerned, the benefits of speaking out outweigh the disadvantages. "When I first went to a clinic for kids with arthritis it really struck me how way, way, way down in priorities arthritis is. It's that sort of thing. I say 'I've got arthritis' and everyone says, 'Oh yes, I've got a bit of arthritis in my knee' and you want to strangle them a bit. I always feel its priority is quite low, so I don't mind speaking out.

"I can't back it up, but I don't feel that a child with arthritis gets quite the priority that a child with many other things gets. It's not an 'in' disease. It has got an image problem." Although Mortimer is prepared to talk candidly about his arthritis, he remains an essentially private man. His isn't a face that you see spread over the gossip pages of the tabloid press. Not, he says, for lack of trying. "I've had press digging," he says. "But they have failed to come up with any dirt". And the reason: "I just live such a dull life. I've got two kids and I garden." Arthritis Care, Circa 2000

[seyaryminamoto]

A decade in review

So... I figured I’d join the corny crowd of people who are talking about their growth and achievements this decade. Looking back can actually help a lot when you lose sight of where you’re standing or where you’re going, soooo...

I started this decade halfway through writing an original story that I didn’t take all that seriously at the time. I was in ninth grade, so sure, I was young... and yet, as some people might know, I was clawing my way out of the worst depression I’ve ever faced. If you guys thought you’d seen my low points... yeah, no, I’ve never again hit a low point as badly as I did back then. Yet even though difficult things happened through the rest of the decade, I learned enough lessons from that early, terrible and distressing time (which happened at the end of the previous decade, to be precise, which is why it’s honestly not worth going into right now) that I managed to stay afloat, even if not easily, upon each new opportunity where depressions knocked on my door up to date.

Now, beyond my mental health, I was still in music school at the start of 2010, and I was certainly no longer as enthusiastic about it as I had been when I first enrolled. I didn’t realize at the time that my calling was something else entirely... and the more I wrote that story I mentioned above, the more I leaned away from one branch of art and towards another.

I think I got my first graphic tablet either in 2009 or 2010, at one of my birthdays. My sister dropped the pen on the first day, the tip broke and I flew into the worst of rages :’D she was so apologetic about it, I don’t think I’d ever seen her quite so remorseful, which was why I toned down eventually and cut her slack, did my best not to bring it up again... anyways, I learned to draw with that thing despite the malfunctioning pen, and the first artworks I did weren’t exactly brilliant... here’s one of them, one of the few I actually finished :’D

... Safe to say, I’ve learned a lot since those days, right? :’D

(also, if anyone wonders, that artwork features the main characters of that original story I mentioned, the original file is dated for April 2010, so indeed, a file from early on in the decade :’D)

Slowly, but surely, my life started to revolve more and more around writing and reading/watching stories of all sorts. I’d spend hours and hours every day watching anime (yep, my weaboo phase in full swing!), I’d devour most books that fell into my hands, and I even ended up volunteering at a library (does it really count as volunteering if the government forces you to volunteer or else you can’t graduate from high school...? Hmmmmmm...). I actually chose that library because most other options were basically to play babysitter for either kids or senior citizens, and I sure didn’t think I was equipped to deal with either thing. A library, though, meant I’d work with books most of all, and I was pretty sure I’d be more useful at that job.

Cue the irony that, because I was apparently so helpful, they decided to give me more important duties, such as DESK DUTY, because the other volunteers weren’t as trustworthy as me, and bye-bye to working directly with books. Haha. Sad.

But that temporary, sort-of job at that library definitely changed my outlook on my future, even if it felt like such a fortuitous thing, something I was forced to do rather than choosing to do it of my own volition.

For all my life I’d felt a ton of pressure because my family is always more science-oriented than any other I’ve ever met. So I had to excel at school because that was expected of me (all my siblings had, so I couldn’t lag behind them, I’d been disgustingly competitive with my siblings for too long to reason with it yet), and I actually was decent at science subjects. I blindly thought that science was the only possible path for me in life. I was seriously planning on going into engineering because I more or less enjoyed chemistry... but every time I thought about what it meant to finish a major in engineering of any sort, I always ended up asking myself one question: would I have time to write in that sort of career?

The mere thought of office work, lab work, which were guaranteeed to be the best thing I could aspire to once I finished college for engineering, sounded like a morbid funeral march to me. I honestly found myself thinking that’d be a waste of my life. And that’s not to say anyone who actually spends their life that way is wasting theirs, but I KNEW it wasn’t my calling.

One day, while at that library, I realized what my actual calling was: I wanted that life. I wanted to work with books, whether making them or writing them or selling them or just about anything to do with the business. A mix of my crazy storytelling passion with that particular job experience brought me to the conclusion that I needed to forsake my family’s big ole’ scientific legacy and to make my own choices. My three siblings could easily enough carry forward that “legacy”, I could do my thing instead.

I think that decision, which took more courage than I thought I had, was probably one of the best I’ve made in my entire life. Telling my mother I’d go into literature was NOT easy and I literally had to make the equivalent of a sales pitch for her to agree to it, investigating all I could about the career, researching as much as possible to show her there WERE career possibilities I could pursue if I chose this major, until she finally relented. And that success meant I was off to a whole new world of crazy once I graduated from high school.

Which I did indeed, in 2012. I wouldn’t start college until 2013 because my major’s first semester wouldn’t start until March, so I had a nice long break because the school year, in my country, ends in July. I had been exhausted of studying at the time, so the break was absolutely welcome. 

In the early stages of that time period, I actually finished that big ole’ original story of mine, and I couldn’t have been prouder of myself for it, even if I was sure I’d never show it to anyone. I was embarrassed of it, to a fault, because there was a lot of ridiculousness in it, the plot was all over the place despite following the storytelling beats I’d learned through the many anime I’d watched, and eventually it evolved into something completely different from what it started out as. I sometimes allowed myself to imagine what it would be like to write a big story that I could share with people and hopefully get more than a handful of readers for... Still, I tucked my original story away safely, because even if it was embarrassing, I was proud of what I’d learned with it. So I went on with a new original story, one I was DEAD SURE I’d be a better writer for, and that I would be much more successful with.

My sister visited us during that summer, and she showed me, my other sister and my mom, a certain TV series that she had very much enjoyed despite we had never thought much of it back when it was airing. 

I’d seen a couple of episodes back in the day, but none had quite impressed me. The first episode I saw had made the show appear like some sort of lame “villain of the week” show, and the second one (I probably only caught the second half of this one) had such mixed values and morals that I was completely appalled by it and decided it wasn’t my thing. Then I, uh, also watched the final minutes of the final episode and it seemed so very melodramatic for the SCARRED GUY to ask SOME IMPRISONED GUY where his mother was, only for the show not to address the answer at all and cut to a pair of kids kissing on a balcony.

Sooooo... my very unimpressed self had decided ATLA wasn’t my thing because of The Great Divide, the Southern Raiders and the last three minutes of Sozin’s Comet: Avatar Aang :’) I’m funny that way.

This time around, watching it from scratch, I was slightly more interested in it because the first few episodes DID look like there was a coherent plot that was going somewhere. So even though my mom and other sister didn’t keep watching (at the time), I decided to watch it by myself because well, why not?

... Cut to seven years later and here I am, still neck-deep in this particular, dark corner of that specific show’s fandom. September of 2012 was when the Seyary you all know came into existence (?)

I won’t lie and say my experience in this fandom hasn’t been a damn rollercoaster in its own right. I certainly started off with WAY more enthusiasm than I have now, just look at my Author’s Notes from my first stories or Gladiator’s first chapters and read my hyped notes for yourselves :’D I definitely was caught by the magic of the Avatarverse, the characters, so much about ATLA seemed to exude potential and, after being disappointed by the popular anime of the time (*cough* SAO *cough*), ATLA (and later LOK Book 1) were a breath of fresh air for my weaboo brain that was sick and tired of some really annoying tropes anime seemed to be throwing at me left right and center (I’M SO DONE WITH THE IMOUTO FETISH TO THIS DAY, I CATEGORICALLY REFUSE TO WATCH OR READ ANY DAMN STORY WITH ANYTHING FEATURING THAT GROSS AND FUCKED-UP CONCEPT).

So I enjoyed ATLA a lot, and then LOK Book 1 (I virtually watched all of that in one day and had REALLY HIGH HOPES for the next seasons. Heh. I’ll leave that as that). And like everyone who gets hyped about fandoms, I decided I needed to look up more stuff about it! Art, fics, you name it! And while I really enjoyed LOK back then, I had thought Korra’s story would unfold in a cool way in future seasons, since all four of them (I think) had been confirmed by the time I joined the fandom... whereas I was dissatisfied and in dire need of fix-it situations for my favorite ATLA character.

I started off looking for general Azula fics. Then, as usual, I started testing ships for her. There were some ships I never saw the point to, and I shall not name them, there were some ships I saw partial potential to but I wasn’t exactly thrilled about them, so again I shall not name them...

And then one day I was scouring DeviantArt and came across the gem you all know about, which I’ve gushed over for all these seven years as the entire reason I converted to this particular ship.

Secret Kiss by Saniika can be credited, 100%, for planting the seed of Sokkla in my head. I didn’t understand it right away, why lie, but I was definitely intrigued. All other Azula ships I’d found were shipped for obvious reasons, easy enough to pinpoint even if none was all that satisfactory for me... so I was confused by this one, absolutely. Why would someone ship this ship? Why would they ship it so hard as to commission such quality artwork about them? The same commissioner’s name popped up in pretty much every single epic artwork about these two at the time, and I was completely blown away by that. To be so dedicated to a ship, to make all those artworks about a huge story about them that I couldn’t seem to find in FF.net at the time...

Cue the surprise when I actually ended up befriending said commissioner barely a few months later, and she’s hands down one of the best friends I’ve ever had :’)

Still, no need to head into that particular territory right now xD I was curious about the pairing, but I was also wary. I looked for fics, none really seemed to tell canon-compliant stories about how they could have gotten together post-ATLA... at least, not while they were still young. I looked at a few stories but nothing really hit home yet.

Back in these days, I used to go to... gosh, the cringe of just saying so, to FACEBOOK for fandom purposes of all kinds. Yeah, I know Facebook communities aren’t necessarily terrible, but I sure as fuck ended up in all the wrong ones :’) so... heh. I befriended someone who had an Avatar page, and while in conversation with him, the subject of LOK’s Pro-Bending came up. We talked about how much fun it would be for ATLA’s benders to play it. And so, a few weeks later, on a bus ride back home after meeting some high school friends, I allowed the idea to blossom further. And suddenly I was 100% caught up in it, deciding I’d have to feature Azula somehow, and I decided to try my luck at doing that by making her Sokka’s girlfriend :’D his inexplicable girlfriend, at the moment. All of it, just for shits and giggles. Because why not!

So I wrote that story, both because of that momentary bout of inspiration and because my second big original story was falling apart on me due to world-building reasons. Do NOT ever talk to me about Celtic calendars. If you do, I will block you into infinity (?). So yeah! A writer’s block caused by Celtic calendars resulted in my decision to calm down by writing something else for a change.

I had little hopes to finish Origins of Pro-Bending, simply because I didn’t write fics. Whenever I had tried to write any around those years, it had NOT gone well. I had always fallen apart after a couple of chapters, failed to keep up the momentum, fumbled the story as a whole in the end. So I decided to take this easy, and I posted it to FF.net despite not being sure I was ready for that: I hadn’t written a story in English in AGES, and you do NOT want to know what was the story in English I’d written before this. You do not. If you even ask, I WILL BLOCK YOU EVEN MORE THAN I DID WITH THE CALENDAR! *heavy breathing*

Okay, so... back to the topic, I honestly didn’t know what to expect. I didn’t really expect much, because I figured not a lot of people would really care for anything I posted. But then... that view counter started to shift. The numbers kept going up, and the more chapters I posted, the more it did. The reviews also poured in, slowly at this point, and then in a certain chapter there were NO REVIEWS AT ALL. Which I considered a fail. I honestly thought it meant my story was a flop, a failure, and I should just STOP because NO ONE CARED.

... Have I ever been accused of being overly dramatic? If not, it’s only because I hide it relatively well... sometimes :’)

But I said “it’s okay, I’ll finish it. My friend wants to read it after all, and I’ll just write it so he can see it to the end. I’ll finish uploading on FF.net even if no one cares anymore, because maybe someone someday will want to read it, even if no one does now”.

... Overly dramatic Seyary then finished her story and halfway there came up with the idea for a NEW ONE! The PREQUEL! The story of how Sokka and Azula fell in love! All by listening to The Reason. And as much as I had thought I wouldn’t keep writing fics after OoPB, that idea was too powerful to ignore. So when OoPB picked up reviews and views all over again and ended with what I considered was a BANG, I said “THIS SHOW’S NOT GONNA STOP HERE!” and I went and wrote the Reason next, obsessively, literally pushing through the entire, near 100K story, in A MONTH. I honestly wrote every day. I’d NEVER done something like that :’) Granted, I was pretty constant with OoPB, but it was shorter and I wasn’t quite as psyched about it as I was with The Reason.

Honestly, The Reason is where I REALLY fell for Sokkla, for everything that it was, for everything that it could be. I had felt its potential since OoPB, and I had concluded Sokka could make Azula smile like next to no one else could... that is, if anyone else could at all. But the whole spectrum of it, the storytelling potential, the development of both characters... I hadn’t understood it yet. And by the time I did, with The Reason... wow, there really was no turning back.

So I ended up writing that, and then I wrote Break In and How They All Reacted. And in between I made a few AMVs that Viacom NICELY tore down and are no longer available for you guys. Sorry ‘bout that. I did what I could.

The thing that was getting to me most, though, (and, why lie, feeding my ego a bit too much) was looking at FF.net’s data spreadsheets, available only for each user: it wasn’t so much the number of readers, which did overwhelm me on its own right anyhow... it was the places they came from. The fact that I could see, according to this data, that people in South Africa were opening my story, in Romania, in New Zealand, in Singapore... I had allowed myself, very briefly, to imagine I would one day publish books and that they might not be complete fails, but I NEVER expected anything I wrote to be read by people who lived halfway across the world, who had entireliy different cultures from my own, who had no idea who I was but wanted to find something to read and had decided to click on my story, amongst all the many possibilities. That particular function of FF.net is probably my favorite on that site, like I said not because of the numbers but because of the places. Even if your readers aren’t outspoken or they don’t even bother favoriting, following or reviewing... they still count in ways they don’t imagine. They may just look like one more number on FF.net’s spreadsheets, but when that number is connected to a location it feels much more real, I think. As an author, that means that’s one more person, somewhere in the world, who decided to give my story a chance.

On a day of February, 2013, one such person left a review I really enjoyed and that I thanked him for profusely. In his response, he brought up that he had been watching documentaries about the Roman Empire and he had thought about an AU for ATLA where maybe Sokka was captured by the Fire Nation and turned into a gladiator, only to become Azula’s sponsored fighter later on, a fighter she’d want to sponsor merely to stave off boredom. He was bringing it up to me because he didn’t want to write it himself, and he thought maybe I would be interested in trying my hand at it since I seemed so passionate about Sokka and Azula.

At first I only thanked him for the idea, said I wanted to focus on my canon-based stories instead and I was sooooo not interested in AUs at the time...

Ahahahaha.

AHAHAHAHA.

Joke was on me the whole time.

As I’ve mentioned, I went to bed one day, about a month later, and my brain exploded with the possibilities of this story. I told this guy, he was thrilled. I told my closest fandom friends at the time, they were STOKED. One of them told me to get off my ass and start writing that ASAP. Which... I followed through with. Immediately.

It feels a bit strange to think I’ve been writing the same story for nearly 7 years now, with next to no breaks, with such persistence I barely can recognize my early 2010′s self from that. Nope, no worldbuilding nonsense stopped me here: I FIGURED THINGS OUT. I worked through it all. And then I figured it out some more.

Back when I was first scouting the fandom’s fanfiction archives (in FF.net in particular, seeing as I didn’t even have an AO3 account at the time), I remember looking at the biggest, top reviewed stories and wondering how it would feel to be the author of one of those. Most those stories had gotten started either early in the show’s run, or just earlier that same decade... nothing I did was bound to pick up that much steam, I thought, especially when I was writing about what was, by all means, a rarepair that I posted about on Tumblr to like... 8 notes per post. At best.

The first time someone sent me an ask to let me know Gladiator had made it into the first page of top reviewed fics I nearly fell over myself in shock. Admittedly, I’ve gotten used to the feeling by now... but at the time I could barely believe I’d come THAT far without really expecting or meaning to.

I’ve really dealt with a lot of nonsense alongside with the story, ups and downs, highs and lows, nasty situations just as blissful ones... people making art for my story was certainly an incredible highlight. That, as well, is something I did NOT think would ever happen to me. Unlike the top-reviewed page thing, it’s actually impossible to get used to art about your fic xD it’s always amazing.

And I’ve met people from all around the world, made friends far and wide, reached heights I didn’t think I would. I’ve said I’m much more jaded these days, it’s true enough, but that doesn’t mean I’ve lost sight of what this story means in the long run. Gladiator truly is the best story I’ve ever written, in just about every regard. Is it perfect? Have I made nothing but right decisions with it? Nah. But that doesn’t mean I’m not absolutely proud of it for what it is, for all the work I’ve poured into it, for every moment spent building that story into what it is and for how far I’ve come thanks to it.

Everything else in the decade really feels like a blur because of Gladiator, but I’ll say that I’ve as good as finished college by now (while writing Gladiator :’D), I have written all my thesis and am stuck waiting endlessly for my supervisor to goddamn answer me already to say whether I’m ready to go forward with the presentation yet and GRADUATE! But until then I’m stuck waiting on that, even if my college career is pretty much over.

As for my work experience... heh. I had two of those this decade. One... writing clickbait articles. Wow, was that shitty. I hated every second of it. I was pretty sure I was killing people by doing that, because some people are indeed gullible enough to believe the shit I was forced to write. And the pay? It was SHIT. So, as soon as I had a good excuse, I kicked that particular door shut and got out of that mess immediately. And then I got my TV station job too... which started great, and ended up being another shitty disaster. While it had some really wonderful highlights, I made friends with this senior, wonderful video editor who was endearing beyond belief, I learned a ton of things I wouldn’t have learned otherwise (like having the patience to put up with an iMac from 2009 in 2018, to name one thing!), but I also had to endure REALLY dreadful management that led me to even wonder how the damn network was even on-air half the time. The experience in that network taught me a lot about what to expect in work environments, and to NEVER trust the tried, boring and true “this place feels like a family!” claim. Half the time it’s like they don’t realize families are usually complicated, full of unpleasant power-based relationships, secrets, resentment and problems of all sorts. So sure, the workplace might be like a family. Definitely not like a GOOD family, though.

And speaking of families... I’ve developed new appreciation for mine over these years, just as I’ve grown enough to see the cracks everywhere, the problems, even all the way to realizing even an allegedly dream-like family like my own can absolutely be torn apart by miscommunication, pride, stubbornness and refusal of members to acknowledge their wrongdoings. I’ve done my best by my family despite that’s not saying much, I’m indeed a lazy butt who spends way too much time on a computer writing crazy stories rather than working around the house... but I think I’ve never felt more loved and appreciated by my parents as I have in recent times, especially this year. We’ve talked more, opened up more, they’ve even told me the story of how they fell in love (the growth of their relationship all documented through PHOTO ALBUMS!!), they’ve leaned on me in hard times and I think we’re tighter than ever.

On the downside... my grandfather died during this decade too. To this day the loss stings, even though by all means we weren’t the type of super-close grandfather and granddaughter who spend every waking moment together. But the thing is... we were so different, with so little in common, and yet that man loved me so genuinely, so unconditionally I could barely understand it. What had I ever done to be so important to him, beyond being his youngest granddaughter? I always had thought he would feel closer to other of his grandchildren, those who had more things in common with him, and yet when my grandmother died he wanted me to sit with him on the car on our way to the funeral, and just holding my hand seemed to help him gain strength to face what was coming. 

In his final moments he hardly recognized anyone, not even my dad, his son. He kept talking about his childhood home, as though he had returned to his youth and forgotten where and when he was, losing all connection with time and space. But when my dad told him I was there, visiting him... he smiled. And he called me the nickname he always used for me. To the last moment, he knew who I was. I mattered, even if I didn’t know why. When they told me he had passed away I cried, and I cried some more, and to this day I feel like crying for it still, sometimes. I will never, EVER doubt my grandfather truly loved me, and I’ll always carry that with me, no matter where the world goes. I’ve lucked out with this family, but I’d never known unconditional love like the one he always showed me. He was a special man, and losing him certainly was one of the saddest moments in this decade.

Aaalright, so, on a less emotional note... I’ve certainly improved a fuckload with my art, which you all must imagine after the glimpse at one of my earliest artworks up there. That I’ve gone from that to this...

speaks for itself, I hope :’) It’s supposed to be same characters, this one was finished earlier this month. I didn’t post it until now because I frankly didn’t expect anyone would understand what it was or care for it much x’D but it seemed the right opportunity to post it now, especially when talking about art growth.

In any case, I may still have a ton of anxiety to this day, and I definitely am not as confident in many areas as I was when the decade began, I realized I honestly don’t have all the answers and I always have to be ready to learn new things from people, no matter who it is. There’s some regards in which I haven’t progressed enough in, why lie... but I’m hoping the next decade will bring meaningful changes in that department, such as my plans to leave the country, which should come to fruition by next year around March, if all things go according to keikaku (I’ll surely have to return after 6 months, but it’s better than nothing at least). And of course, I do hope I’ll continue to grow as a writer, that all this experience with Gladiator will mean I’ll be 100% ready to write any future original stories I want to (and that I’ll be able to rewrite that specific story and move beyond the slump I fell into because of the DAMN CELTIC CALENDAR!!).

Also, just in case I didn’t get it across in other posts where I mentioned it, I revisited that old original story last year, and despite the messes and mistakes and ridiculousness of it... I love it more now than I ever did before. I’m really proud of it. I know most people cringe at everything they wrote when they were younger... I honestly can’t do anything but look back in pride. My starting point was the best one it could possibly have been.

Now, what’s my resolution for the next decade?

Finishing Gladiator

Yeah, there’s probably going to be other stuff I’ll want to do too. But for now, that shall be the priority. It won’t take just a year, it probably won’t take two... but I will absolutely see this big, chaotic baby to the last moment, and I will savor and suffer and cry and rejoice every step of the way. There is much left I want to achieve, many new objectives to conquer, and I’m going towards them with as open a mind as I can muster. May this 2020, and the years that follow, mark a new starting point that I’ll look back on with pride, just as I can do the same with where I started off in 2010.

Happy New Year to all of you who read this really long post, and I really hope you have a great year and decade, and starting point of your own, in 2020.

[kjm126316]

Five's (mis)Adventure In The Public Schooling System

Because Five looks like a thirteen year-old some dickhead police officer sees him out and about and is like; "Oi, you lil' shite, you need to get your ass to school" and then just HAULS Five's ass to school with an iron grip on his bicep because Five has proven that he will fight back and good God this kid bites too, dafuq?? And Five can't teleport away because either he'd wind up accidentally taking the guy with him (roll with it) or because he's exhausted his power for whatever reason. Anywho, they get to school, and Five is just a surly little shit like; "What's your name?"

"Five."

"That's very funny young man, now what's your name?"

"Five, now let go of me before I saw your arm off."

(He's taken to the guidance counselor. He makes her cry.) Anywho, class rolls around. Its math class, that's the class they've decided to shove him in. And by now Five has tried to run off like 3 or 4 times but that asshat cop from earlier catches him every time and hauls him back kicking and screaming, so Five is in a right mood. And its math class, but math class for grade 7s. Now Five, who does quantum physics in his spare time (that's what those weird-ass equations he scribbles are, apparently) is just bored out of his fucking tree because "Oh my God this is so easy, is this what the education system has been reduced to I should've let it die in the apocalypse." So anyway, the teacher is at the end of her rope, and calls Five out on this question and he looks at it for a few seconds then gives the answer and the class is just like "..." Anyway then lunch rolls around and Five is Disappointed by the cafeteria selection.

("Where the hell is the peanut butter- what the fuck do you mean you're not allowed peanut butter in school, go fuck yourself."

"Watch your language young man!"

"I'm 58 years old don't fucking tell me what to do.")

So Five is just sitting there by his lonesome and some kids decide to give him shit because kids are just pleasant like that, and Five is Tired Of This Bullshit so he singles the leader out and stabs him with a pencil, of all things. Then shit gets out of hand; he and the other kid are called down to the office and it's a mess. The kid he stabbed is in tears, and Five just has this mildly irritated look on his face, like; "This is just the icing on the fucking cake, Delores I'm sorry but I'm going to need to break out the booze again I know you don't like it when I drink but this has just been too fucking much." So of course parents are called, but Five's only parents are either dead (Reginald Hargreeves) a robot (Grace) or currently fuck knows where (his birth mother) so theres a bit of a dilemma before Five just rolls his eyes and says "Give me the phone, you useless podge."

("What did you just say to me, young man?"

"Again, I'm fifty-fucking-eight years old, I could get a fucking seniors discount if I wanted to so shut your fucking mouth before I do it for you.")

Anyway, somehow KLAUS shows up pretending to be Five's dad, and then things start spiraling. He's not high or drunk, but he's taken on the Soccer Mom approach. ("How dare you accuse my sweet little innocent boy of such a crime!"

"Klaus."

"I cannot even comprehend this."

"Klaus."

"You will be receiving a letter of complaint."

"Klaus, I'm literally begging you, shut the fuck up.")

Anyway, shit gets sorted out, and Five is suspended. (He doesn't care.) They all go home, and Five makes a beeline for the booze; "We should have let Vanya destroy the world," he says as he pours himself a healthy- or would it be unhealthy?- glass of whiskey. "Or, at the very least, that blessed school."

Thus ends Five's adventures in the public schooling system

[gavis-bettel]

i just saw a post about symptoms of childhood depression and idk if ive ever talked about this here but 

every time i try to think about how my depression developed when i was a child i am BLOWN AWAY by the fact that i was Very Severely suicidal as young as 7 or 8 years old 

like i have very distinct memories partly because it happened during my first road trip with my family. i distinctly remember just desperately wanting to jump out of our hotel room window and we were a good few stories up so i didnt have any doubt it would kill me and i didnt even think of why i would want to do it or that it was such a serious thing to want to kill myself bc idk if i even knew what suicide was at that age 

and around age ten i was on another trip with my mom and brother and it was a ton of fun! we went to a family reunion which i always enjoyed and it was in a totally different climate zone which was super cool to experience for the first time and my mom got me pokemon diamond so i would have something to do and i loved that game so so much 

but on a cable car ride the park ranger or tour guide or whatever her position was mentioned that it would take seven seconds to fall from the height of our cable car onto the face of the mountain and all i could think of was how much i wanted to pry the doors open and jump and count those seven seconds and how disappointing it was that the car was full of people and someone would stop me if i tried 

and then we went on a hike and i kept looking for any slope that would be sheer and tall enough to kill me if i fell but luckily we were on the safest most beginner/child friendly trail 

and earlier that year i was going through a really stressful time in school and i frequently imagined ways that i could fall on our sharpest kitchen knife so it would kill me as quickly and painlessly as possible, or how to drown myself by looping a belt through the grate of the drain at the bottom of our swimming pool, or how to poison myself but i didnt think too hard about that one because i had a tendency to throw up a lot as a kid and i wanted the most surefire way 

and at age twelve my best friend was also depressed and suicidal and she told me about how she wanted to poison herself or kill herself in other ways i cant remember bc its been a decade, but i decided that if she wanted to die too then i should try and i think it was before the pass out challenge but i remember hearing a news story about a child strangling himself to death playing a game or something so i actually tried to strangle myself and i could have fucking done it but i stopped bc i got a little freaked out by my neck going numb and seeing spots of light so i put the belt i was using away and just went to bed lol 

and in the morning i messaged my friend about it and she was actually kind of freaked out i think. i remember seeing the little red spots from blood vessels bursting in my eyes and i was lucky i didnt bruise bc while i never really realized just how fucked up and abnormal being suicidal was (at any age, let alone 7-12), i also never told anyone about it except my friend 

and interestingly enough around that time one of my teachers mentioned to my mom that i seemed depressed and recommended that i see a professional about it but my mom asked me if i was depressed and wanted to talk to someone and of course i said no because i was a shy kid and also never really knew there was actually something very seriously wrong with me... she chalked it up to my grandma (who i kind of hated and didnt miss at all, lol) dying a few months earlier and we all just kind of forgot about that 

and funny enough, after my suicide attempt i didnt contemplate suicide again for several years - i might have been sixteen or seventeen the next time i even thought about dying like that. of course, starting in the tenth grade (age uhh... 15-16?) i had my first Springtime Major Depressive Episode, which made me lose any and all interest in school starting some time after spring break and before finals, and this happened ever year up until 2016, when i had my worst one yet and failed all my classes bc i didnt go to half of them, didnt do half my homework, and stopped studying altogether while also becoming completely obsessed with dead animals and constantly dissociating so badly i was almost convinced i had DID (and i still have posts on this blog talking about having alters and all that shit bc digging them all up to delete them is too much work and i might want to read back through all that mess if i ever have to go through such a severe episode again (knock on wood) ). and like, it was so bad i actually told my mom i was having a rough time for the first time ever, and she gave me her prozacs bc she didnt actually take them anymore (they didnt work on me, unfortunately). the summer following all that was marked by fits of anxiety and rage bc i had family visiting for a few weeks and it was too stressful for my poor half-melted brain but i managed to get through all that and the depressive episode ended and i actually got my act together after that and haven’t failed a class since and ive only skipped like 1-2 times per semester since then and i was sooo proud of how well i did and 2017 i didnt have my big springtime mde 

but now i feel like im slipping again and i dont know if i can handle disappointing myself like that again. i was actually considering dropping out for a while because im not going to graduate in a clean four years, some people i graduated high school with have already gotten their degrees and started their careers, and im also just fucking tired of being in school. but my advisor told me im on track to graduate next fall and that made me feel so much better 

but then i realized i cant focus during class. i dont remember huge chunks of lectures and sometimes its a struggle to turn in homework on time, let alone actually study. theres a good chance i could fail one of my classes, and a slight chance i could fail another. and i promised myself that i would get help if things got bad again, theres a psych clinic right on campus thats covered by tuition, but it feels like im doing all i can to make it to class and then im exhausted and just want to go home... im honestly feeling kind of lost here. like i know exactly what i can do to help myself and maybe salvage some fucking brainpower before finals start, but i just have no motivation and mentally its like im barely even here 

or like, my brain’s being smothered and i cant pay attention or do anything because theres so much fluff blocking everything out... 

well, at least now i have a little account of my mental health history in case i ever do manage to see someone lol

[itsmecessy]

Having You Near Me

Most people say that I shouldn't care much on looking for someone to be with given my young age. But I couldn’t just shrug the thought when most girls in my age are already in a relationship.

It hurts and made me feel so frustrated because every time that I hang up with my squad, my role is just a “third-wheel” and I’m so tired for that role. All of them are holding hands while walking with their boyfriend or girlfriend and as usual I look like their maid following them anywhere they want to go.

By the way, I’m Queencess Quinn Dela Torre, an 18 years old girl living in Olongapo City and currently Grade 12 HUMSS student at Maxwell Prime University . When I was a child I’m just a simple girl staying just on my room watching cartoons and playing indoor games at home, in short I am an “introvert girl when I was a little”. As time passes by, everything has changed about me when I meet my bestfriend Hailey, Hailey Chantal Buenavetura. AsI witnessed her long time ago, I describe her as DORA because she is an explorer girl. She loves exploring something that is new in the present nor traveling.

Well, Everyone knows me as a simple and a minimalist girl before but for some reason, because of I learned to explore and enjoy trends in today’s generation. In this time of pandemic we need to be quarantined not because we are infected but just for our safety. Even though I used to be alone before, I still feel or experience boredom.

For the reason that I was bored, I contact my bff for me to surpass those problems because its killing me.

 “bebs!! I’m bored. I don’t know what to do! I don’t play games thooooo.”

 “besh…. explore, explore, explore!” Hailey said.

 “Ughhh there you go again dora! HAKHAKAHKA.”

 She smirked and said “STOP!! Grrrrr!”

 “HAKAHKAHKA, youre so cute everytime you act like that bebs! Can you just do it one more time?”

 “stop it its not funny!” she said.

 “no more bully… but bebs!! help!! I’m bored!”

 “okay..fine! I use yugo whenever I’m bored”

 “huh? what’s that?”

 “besh, it is an app wherein you can make friends with others.”hailey said while eating.

 “but.. how?”

 “its like a dating but not usually like that. You can swipe left and right too if you want to add someone also you can search if ever you have someone you know that is also using that app. The difference of of the two is you do live stream and watch with your friends there and meet new people in live..uhggg its hard to explain.” hailey said while discussing it hard.

 “owwwww.. thats cool… I’ll try it later!”

 “just explore the app and I’m sure you’ll enjoy it.”

 “thank you bebs!! you’re the best!!! luvyah dora!”

 “stop calling me dora!!! hays”she smirked again and said “luvyah too.” with disappointment on her face.

 “HAAKAHKAHKHA!! okay fine! Byeeee. Mwuahh”

 “bye besh!”

 At first, I didn’t enjoy the app because I’m not used to it. I’m just a simple girl and if you try to look my phone, the only application that you can see are Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, Snapchat, and Youtube. Yes, I’ve changed and not the girl tat they know before but duh, yubo is not my type. I don’t do live stream and I don’t feel talking to someone I didn’t know.

After a month, I gave yugo a second chance. I patiently explore what is the beauty of that app. I started to watch live streams and unexpectedly enjoy watching those streamers who are enjoying the bond they have. One night, I open up my yugo and started live hopping again to watch different streamers and as time passes I received invitation to stream with them but for some reason, I’m not that confident because I’m shy so I declined. After a week, I still do my yugo routine but this time I accept invitations already and I do live stream already and have friend with everyone.Yugo app helps me to fill up myself whenever I’m bored for so many months.

 There was I time, my junior highshool classmate shakira marie called me and had some talks about life or something. Honestly, that was the beginning of our friendship and we started to talk and have fun during quarantine. Since its been a month since I’m using yugo, I decided to take a rest from using it and continue having fun with kira.

 “kira!”

 “long time no talk!” kira said

 “how are you? I missed you!”

 “well, I’m good and still pretty same as you and I missed you too gurl!”

 “HAKHAKHAAHK”

 “do you know yugo?.” kira asked.

 “yes, I’am!. I have yugo account too!”

 “what a coincidence!” kira said with excitement.

 “let do live stream sometimes!”

 “sure why not!”kira answered.

 After knowing that kira knows about yugo, we have been live streaming for almost five months, we already had a lot of friend in yugo and enjoys streaming every night. For five months, we never missed one day of streaming, everyday and every night we do yugo “routine” sounds fun right?. We’re tripping and having fun whenever someone came and stream with us (sometimes we flirt).

 One day, when kira and I are waiting for our online class while we were streaming, someone raised his hand wanted to live stream with us and his name is King Glean Javier he’s from Infanta, Quezon Provice same as me Grade 12 student taking STEM curriculum. Kira and I had fun with him but for awhile, kira felt so hungry and left us streaming. While king and I are streaming alone and no one is watching, king open up and started to talk about his past.

 “cess, have you been in a relationship?” king asked.

 “why’d you ask?”

 “how long have you been in a relationship?” he asked again

 “okay okay… yes I’ve been in a relationship but it last just for 2 months I think?”

 “why did you guys broke up?”

 “actually my ex and I have never been I a fight, I just let him do what ever he wanted to do but I think did something wrong in that part because I just let him do everything he wants?”

 “but by do you think you’re wrong?”

 “ I’m wrong in the way that I “tolerate” his vices because I let him do what ever he wants to do to the point that I let him forget that he has a girlfriend waiting for his chats. I’ve been too considerate for him even though he doesn't make time for me anymore because I want him to be happy. To be honest, I don’t want him to let him go but I think there’s something wrong”

 “awww, he’s so lucky but he didn’t prioritize you and keep you with love, I understand what your point is. I hope you’re okay now.” king said.

 “how about you? I think you had something you want to say about your past for some reason.”

 “actually I’m broken, I’ve been in a relationship in two years and five months.” he said

 “aww! That’s long, but why does it ends?”

 During this quarantine, were not allowed to roam outside since we are just a minor. One time I chatted her that I am supposed to go on their but suddenly she no, and she is so sorry because she doesn’t love him anymore and she’s with her new man. Even though she refused, I still go to their place and yah we talked to each other and she said sorry to me. But all I can is just to accept and let her go even if it hurts.” king said with mixed emotions.

 “aww, that hurts but we just did our part.”

 “yess! Kira is already here!!” king shouted.

  When kira is already in, after fifteen minutes we decided to end up our live stream because king had to go and prepare for hin onlice class at one o'clock on the after noon and kira and I doesn’t have class that time. Around one thirty pm while I am scrolling at my social medias account, I saw King Glean sent me a friend request and that was an expected things to me and because I know him already, I accepted his request and I unexpectedly received wave message from him and yes, I waved back to him and started a conversation that day.

King told me that he didn’t expect me to accept his request since we just meet online which is on yugo and I told him that “why would I do that if I know you?” also he keeps telling that he is very comfortable with me and just like that and I am fun to be with and that day that we chatted to each other, that was the beginning for to know each other well. As time passes by, we had a lot of talks about our past and he send some picture like family pictures, we do random video calls, updates and were having fun a lot of time.

 King made me feel excited every time that he is sending me a message and calling me every-time, I don’t know what to do but to stop what I am thinking for because there was a time that our topic is about entering again in a relationship again. One day he asked if ever that some will come into my life again, am I ready to be in a relationship again? And I told him yes but I asked that question back to him but hi didn’t answer. Also there was a time that he asked me if he’s attractive and I said “yes, you’re attractive the you are.” also the thing that I felt so excited because of him and he reminded me that he was not simping and he was just showy and clingy person. For some reason, king asked me like if am I “ghoster or not” because some of the other girls did that stupid things to him before and made him felt so bad.

 “queen, I’m not saying this to you just to disappoint you or hurt you haaa, I was just thinking of you ghosting me someday.”

 “uhmmm, its okay that you asked something like that to. But I must to you that majority of those guys or friends who came into my life are the first people who got tired off, not me. I don’t usually have an intentions of doing that stupid thing to someone because I know the feeling of being left behind or ghosted. So why would I do those event to people who are welcome to me but unfortunately, not welcome to them?” I answered.

 “well, I got your point but this time, I want you to know that I will not let you feel what you felt from those people did that stupid case to you, I promise.”

 “ I wanted them to stay but they’re  looking for better person that I am. But you know its not our lost and we deserve better.” I added.

 “yes we are.” he answered

 “ you if I will be given a chance to tell something to those people who left you, I will tell the that “you lost a potential guy” jakahkhaka, bumble be like!

 “how crazy lil silly you are!” he said

 “king, lets just put in our mind that we did our part, they just let their stupidity dominant than being intelligent when it comes from hitting up!” I said.

 “they need seminar from us!” his naughty answer.

 After a week of communication, king suddenly didn’t send good morning because I’ve never missed receiving good-morning message for him and it made me feel sad. Eleven o’clock in the morning kira and I decided to stream and had talk about ourselves. While streaming I saw king watching our live and I started to share something about me while he still watching us.

 “kira you know what, I’m clingy and approachable in person.”

 “of course I know that” kira’s answer.

 “but online, I’m not. I want someone will hit me up not me. I just want the first way of hitting up with someone in an opposite gender. In our culture before, the girls are sitting in pretty white the guys are the one who do the first move” I said.

 Kira answered back, “sisz, at this point in time, we had an different world!, this, the girls are the one who’s doing the first move or the one who’s hitting up first not the guys anymore…. but not all the but most of the time hkahkahah”

 “well, I’m just telling my side thooo, that’s my stupid mindset!”

 “then try hitting up first so you will no gonna bored sisz!” kira said.

 After that conversation with kira, king left and we just continue our talk. After thirty minutes that he had left, king is back and I said hi to him and he replied, “hello my baby”. after that reply, I felt so fluttered and that’s why I don’t know what to say but to laugh. That day I’m still curious why he’s not messaging me and I’m not feeling good that day that is why I post a status at my social media saying “aww, no chat and no good morning for today :(“.

 As I woke up the next day, I felt so happy because he already messaged me and unexpectedly confront about my status.

 “Good-morning baby, char” king’s message.

 “aww, good-morning!” while I felt so fluttered.

 “what was that drama?” he asked

 “what?”

 King sent the screenshot of my status.

 “ahhhhh, don’t mind it thoooo. HAHKAHKA”

 “wait for awhile, my mom calls me to eat and you too” king asked.

 “okie, eat well”

 While king is eating, there’s a lot of thing out of my mind. I’m curious about his moves. He’s too sweet all of a sudden.

 “hello my baby! Char” he said

 “too fast ha.. hkahka”

 “too fast?” he asked

 “too fast to eat…” I answered.

 “ahy, I had the wrong idea.. hakhka”

 “huh? Hkahka”

  At that point, I already knew about what is in his mind. I started to doubt and over-think what will happen next. I had this feelings that I can’t really even explain why am I too nervous or paranoid about something. There was a time that, because of this bad  feelings, I always think about something that made my mind boast.

 I had a lots of “what ifs” in my mind, “what if this guy left me?”, “what if he likes me too but he’s hesitating to tell or open up with me?”, “what if he still love his first love?”, “what if his first came back and left me behind?” ,“ what if we were not having a one sided love?”. but as time passes by, all those “what ifs” that I was scared off  are suddenly happened on its time. Not in a negative way but positive and fluttering.

 King said, “what is this?”, “what are this convos of us?”

 “hala (omg)” I said as I felt my heart aching because of beating so fast.

 “ I’m just asking, we had a lot of random video calls, right?, I always update you about me and you almost know my routine everyday, my errands, even my movements hkaha joke, etc.” he said.

 “uhmmmmm.” speechless me.

 “ for you what are these?” he asked.

 “uhmmm, for me, this was just a typical convos just what like the others doing.” I know you and I know your side thooo.” I answered.

 “but, what do you think you know about me?” he asked

 “well, as far as I know, you don’t have plans to flirt since you’re not yet healed from you past right? You told me that you’re just showing who you are truly, right?” I said.

 “ let’s say that “I’m not yet totally healed from the past”, but for me, I’m okay now. I already accepted the fact that we are not together anymore and we already had clear and good closure.” he said. “ I’m just holding back to open up with you before but since we were just seeing or meeting each other online.” he added.

 “then, what do you mean by that feelings?” I answered. “how cute you are hkakhaa”

   “I LIKE YOU, but the thing is I don’t think that fell the same way as me. Also were long distanced to each other” king said.

 “ wait, is this a prank?” I asked

 “why am I pranking you in this serious conversation?” king said.

  All this time, I told king that, “I thought that it was all one sided”. For the reason that I don’t want hoping for someone and holding on to someone that will never last, I always taught myself not to be stupid in this kind of situations.  Before this time came, I forced myself not to fall for him even though he shows motives about having feelings for me. I forces myself to put in mind that “two broken people will never make whole”. I forced myself not to be “fragile as glass” wherein someone will make me fall and no one will catch me and became just like a broken glass. I’m tired, tired of being left behind or ghosted, and begins from the start just like a cycle of pain, but suddenly my world stopped and I look like a dog, a dog that making face like I did something stupid, sitting on the corner of my room, thinking about ,“should I give a chance for us to flirt and build love for each other  or not?”

 Even though I over-think about him, I always think if how could I I know the answers about certain things that made think badly if I would not give it a try?. Everything has its different outcomes, they may be negative or positive. So what if I give it a try and in result, it will give happiness?

 I said to king, “i understand you concern for me and you, yes were long distanced to each other, but don’t be too sad for it.”

 “ I know that this is fast, but what if the time comes and you’ll the true colors of me? Would you still like me or not?” he said. “I know this isn’t formal, but I like you”. with sad emoji. “and I thingk you’re holding back”. he added.

 “ I want you to know that I’ am not holding back. Honestly, I thought everything was just a one sided “feelings”.  also, one of my weaknesses is attachment and I think I am attached from you.” I said.

 “ therefore, that explains the rant on you facebook status?” he asked.

 “yes, because I’m used to it already. Every I have good-mornings from you but suddenly, in just one changes it feels so bat for me.” I answered with sad emoji.

  “ I just did that because I want to know if you will still chat when I an not messaging you, if you will look for me when I’m not around or online, but as u said in live with kasi, you’re not hitting up yourself and what you want is someone will hit you up on chat.” he said.”

 “ but I messaged you that time!” I said while laughing.

 After this, king told me not to tell kira about us, and as I respect his decision, i promised him that I will not tell kira about us for him. And continue our conversation about the fb post.  

 When king didn’t chat that time, I wasn’t supposing to chat him at night because I don’t know how to start, I don’t have any topics to start with but some of my friend pranked about lazada something. So that was the topic I brought up with him.

 Although, I had this negatinve mindset in my head,  i cant stop thinking about him. King is very different from all those guys that I have met online. He is very genuine, respectful, and an ideal guy for me. He respect me the way he respect his parents as I’ve seen in every video call we had and no words can explain how go he is. I like him just the way he is.

 So as we continue our conversation that day, king told that he was just holding back before but fuck I was too far from him and he cant go here for me.

 “ don’t that I was just holding back before because you’re too far from me and I cant go there for you?” he said

 I said, “don’t you thing that I was just “nagpaparinig” or telling those things for a purpose? But it was true..”

 “I can't be with you and i cant see yo, I can't hug you, I can't smell you and it’s fucking frustrating.” he sadly reply.

 “aww, too cute…hmmm”, “ don’t message me on my second account ha, I want you here in my main.” I said.

 “well, why do you need second account huh?” he asked?

 “ that was long time ago, don’t be too curious.”

 King suddenly became so funny and said, “Im just clingy not horny, HAHAHAHAHA.”

  I replied, “well, that’s good, I’m scared from those who are like that… hkahka”

 I thought when king wasn’t chatting me, that was the end of us but its not. He told that whenever he was not messaging me, he is busy doing something. After telling me about that, we have talked about how long is the traveling hour from here in longapo to infanta and it was too long. As I estimate the hours on how long the travel from olongapo to manila, it was two to three hours away and from infanta to manila, it was three to five hours. Therefore the estimated time from infanta to olongapo, it was too tiring to travel because it will be six to eight hours of traveling.

 Within the day of our conversation, as I said before, king is always flooding me with his pictures. I already have his family pictures, pictures with his classmates and friends, his pictures of a beautiful view when he was resting after long ride of biking, also from being toddler to present. And I was so fluttered about it because the reason why he send his pictures is for me to avoid feeling lonely when I’m alone.

 “i’ll send you my pictures ha, I just wanted you not to feel bad or lonely when you’re alone.”

 “ awww, you’re too cute and sweet..” I replied.

 “well, I’m cute when I was a child but what happened now?”he ranted.

 “you’re still cute until now, you’re cute when you smile, that’s why I felt so fluttered whenever I see your smile..” I said.

 “so you like my smile, you’re turned on whenever I smiled?”

 “yes? Hkahaka” I said.

 “ can I say I love you?” he asked

 “of course! Why not?” I answered.

 “ I love you my queen” he said with emojis showing love

 “ I love you too my king” I replied when feeling so fluttered.

 After a month of getting to know each other well, one of the thing that I have been flattered about him is that, he asked me all of a sudden about “what is my favourite song is?”. And  I told him my favourite song was “having you near me”. When I told him about that, after a minute of time, he called me and I was shocked because as I answered his call, my favourite song is playing on his laptop. And as we were video calling for a month already, he still playing it and lip syncing it for me.

 So for a month of knowing each other, king decided to tell kira about us. And we planned to tell her in live so there’s a lot of fun that will be hold on.

 “babe, lets do live at yugo and tell kira about us.” king said.

 “sure, no problem but how?” I asked.

 “we’ll let think, since sometimes her brain-cells are slow, hkahkaha.” he replied.

 “you’re too harsh babe! Ahakha.” I replied.

 “let’s go then..” he said.

 When we were live streaming with kira, we were just acting like normal. We acted normal until the time comes for us to do what we planned awhile ago. During our stream, I told kira that I have something to tell her but there was a viewer who wants to stream with us and she send an invitation for it and suddenly didn’t hear and asked me what did I said.

 “hi sisz!!!” kira said.

 “hello, king ask if what time are we going to stream and I told him that “right now” I said to kira.

 “hhkahak, hey king is here now!” kira shouted.

 “come up here king!” I said.

 “hello guys!, wazzup? ” king said.

 “hello!” kira and I said.

 “kira, queen had something to tell you.” king said.

 “whatttt!????” I shouted.

 “wait, someone wants to stream with us, let me invite her.” kira said.

 King and I continue to talk like at the same time that’s why its too loud to here.

  “hey, what are you guys up to?” kira asked.

 “nothing thooo, hkahkahka” I answered.

 There was a viewer named “love” and everyone said “sana all love”

 “sana all love” I said.

 “ I love you babe!” king said

 “ luhhh!, are you guys flirting?” kira said!

 “ uhmmmm, yes?” I answered.

 “ now, you knew it already! So we don’t have to think that much about us when it comes to you.. hkahka” king said.

 When kira already knew about us, kira started to asked non stop about us, he aske so many things like how we started to open up to each other and king was the only one who’s answering all those question from kira since he was just the that kira was asking for.

 “omg, king what’s poppin! Char”. kira asked.

 “hkhahka,” king laughed.

 “so, you like her?” asked kira.

 “yes, I like her and I love her” king answered genuinely.

 “sana all!” she shouted. “ but how and why?” kira asked.

 “ I like and love her just the way she and no words can explain how I feel for her” king answered.

 “stop asking, but the only thing that we can say is were both mutual, we like and love each other, hkahkah” I said.

 “okay, fine! Sana all!” kira said.

 “hey king! I just want to remind you ha, don’t make my bb gurl hurt ha or else you’ll be dead from me.” kira’s threat.

 “ of course no!, I know the feelings of being hurt and why would I do those thing to my queen. She deserve to be loved not to be hurt” king answered.

 “so, if you guys needs help, I’m always here for the two of you! I luh yuh” kira’s advice.

 After our stream, king and I talked in facebook chat about the reaction of kira when we already told her about us. We were surprised about her reaction, she shouted and her eyes widened and she flustered about us.

 On the next day, since king told me that they will be having a long ride from five to nine am, I waited for so long for him and flooded him a lot of messages until they came back home and called me even he’s not yet changed. I told him to rest but he resist because he wants me to see and to talk with.

 Since we were running out of topics, I opened up someone who wont stop hitting me up, he’s too cringy and he doesn’t stop calling me baby, love, babe or something and he’s getting into my nerves every time he’s asking me for time even though I’m not that interested to him. Upon knowing all my rants about that guy, king decided to confront him and ask him to keep distance from me. while confronting him, the guy replied a lot of things that not makes sense as we were screen-sharing messenger. He opened a lot of thing like I had a bumble account and king doesn't even care about it because I didn’t use it anymore. After confronting the guy, we hang up our call so we can do thing that we need to do like doing requirements and online class.

 A week after, I visited my yugo. Upon visiting, I saw jess “a gay” streaming with king. King saw me and said hi to me but jess is simpig with him without knowing that king and I had something together. Jess continue flirting while king is resisting from him. I had a lot of trust for him so I don’t get jealous about them. King invites me on their stream and pushing jess to king as making fun and enjoy with them at the same time until king has to leave the stream for the reason that he needs to attend his online class at that day.

 Since king left the stream, jess and I continue to have fun. We did a lot of chika about something. He told me that he likes king but king said he had someone for a month or two months I think.

 “is it true jess? You like him?” I asked.

  “uhmm, yess hkahkaha” jess answered with feeling shy.

 “hakhkahakha” speechless me.

 “ can you help me?” he asked.

 “uhm, hkhaha sure?” I replied.

 While streaming with jess, I messaged king since he’s live hopping that time and told him about what jess said during our conversation but he initiate first. But eventually after a minute of time jess and I ended our live.

 “babe?” king’s messaged

 “i’m live streaming with jess.” I answered.

 “i’m live streaming babe” he said.

 “yes, I saw you online and watching” I replied.

 “ but what are you guys talking about?” he asked.

 “well, jess told me that he has crush on you.” I replied.

 “wait, what!?” he loudly asked.

 “ he said that he’s serious about you.” I replied.

 “he’s just making fun form me, I know his trip thoo, hkahka” he said.

 “ what if it’s true? He’s serious?” I added.

 “ are you jealous?” he asked.

 “no, I’m not, I promise.” I said

 “are you sure, I’m just asking so I know what I need to do.” he replied.

 “i’m not, promise” I answered.

 “ I love you then.!” he said.

 “I love you too, babe!” I repplied.

 An hours after our conversation, jess and I started a live and talk something about his side for king. At first, he just great me like we were close and then he started to ask about king.

 “cess!, how are you?” he joyfully asked.

 “here, doin’ great, hkahka” I said while laughing.

 “so what’s poppin girl?” he asked.

 “nothing much bb!” I answered

 “well, I felt so fluttered because kind said “I love you” awhile ago!” he’s fluttered answer.

 “is that so?, hajhajhja” I said

 “but I don’t take it as an advantage because he said that he had this girl chatting with him for 2 months I think?” he said

 “awww, is that so? I know that he had but I’m not sure thooo.” I replied.

 “do you know her?” he asked.

 “no, I don’t” I said.

 After this convo, king started to watch our live and jess started to flirt at him again but because king is straight and not interested on him, he decided just to go with the flow and make jess feel so fluttered.

 “bb, king is already here!” I said to jess.

 “oh my gosh!, hello baby!” excitedly answered.

 “hkahkahakha” I just laughed at them and watch them.

 While we were streaming, king messaged me and told me everything like how’ he feeling about jess’ trip.

 “ I think that jess is just tripping up with me!” king messaged.

 “ don’t you know what jess told me awhile ago? He said that you made him fluttered by saying “I love you” to him. Hkahkaha” I said.

 “yes, I told him that but in the end, I said char!”.”he’s too naughty thoo, he’s trippin’ me or making fun of me, then I’ll go with the flow.” I added.

 “hkahahakhaa” I just laugh

 “I don’t know if he’s serious or not but I never mind it anymore because for me, you’re my one and only babe.” he said.

 “but babe, lets not tell jess about us ha.” my favor for him.

 “sure, why not!” he said.

 “i just want to know something about him when it comes to, making sure that he will not steal you from me.” I naughty replied at him.

 “what a crazy mind is that my queen? Hahhaa, remember that you’re always be my babe. I love you” he answered.

 “ I love you so much babe!” I replied.

 At this point, I felt so fluttered about him but I’m still streaming so I came back from our live but this time king is not watching anymore. So as king left the stream, jess started to tell chikas about him.

 “bb, I streamed with king awhile ago and I saw that girl he was saying because he did screen-sharing.”

 “ where?” I asked

 “on his instagram bb!” he replied.

 (I got nervous but fighting since we don’t have some proof.)

 “ but bb, I’m not sure because I didn’t recognized her well, and I saw a girl too on his messenger but I don’t thins that’s it too because there are so many chatheads and it’s all groupchats as well.”

 “ahh, okay hkahakha.” I answered.

 “bb, help me ha.” asking favor.

 “yessss, promise..” I responded.

 Jess and I had a lot of chika during live streaming. We had a lot of fun during that time. From all those news that I got from jess, I put in mind that king is not making stupid things as much as cheating because he knows how painful it is. I just prayed to God that I hope king is serious about me and not cheating to another girl. And I just thought that it was just a friend that he was talking with.

 A night during at the same day, kira and I started live streaming again. At first, I critically think if should I tell kira or not about those news I heard from jess. I’m thinking because I know kira, kira is a judgemental person. Kira will say anything that she wanted to tell even without proof but for some reason I told her about it.

 “sisz, I have something to tell you.” I said.

 “what is it ?” she asked.

 “sisz, jess said a while ago in our stream that king have someone in instgram like they were chatting there.” I said.

 “aww, bad new siz!” he answered.

 “hkahka” I just laughed.

 “that’s a red flag siz. Be mindful, stop what you are guys up to!”. she said.

 “no, were not sure about it since we don’t have any proof about it!” I replied.

 At this point in time I got pissed off from kira. She had a lot of thing that she said against king. She misunderstood king and judged him without knowing the truth as well as not having a proof. I got angry on her, she messed up king’s name with other people and the reason that I got into that feeling is because I don’t want someone will be hurt just because of me. Many guys misunderstood king since there was a viewers that time before. I defended king against them but they insist that I should stop being stupid for him in that situation but I keep pointing out to them that “why would I stop without knowing his side”, “ I know what to do, and what I need to do is t seek for the truth and let him explain for his side.”, and “In the end, I don’t want to regret that I didn’t let him explain his side.”

After the argument, king join us streaming without knowing that he was our topic. Even king was in our stream, kira continue to say anything about certain problems connected in my situation. King stay still and and keeping on quiet. Because of the fact that our live title is “RED FLAG”, I think king got the point of it and he left the stream and I panicked about it so I messaged him as soon as possible.

 “babe?” I asked.

 “yes babe?” he asked.

 “why’d you left?” I asked.

 (messenger’s ringing, he called)

 “babe, why’d you left?” I asked?

 “ I just left because I can’t understand what are you guys up to.”

 “ but babe, is it true that you had someone on IG?” I asked?

 “what?, who said those things to you?, is that the reason why “red lfag” is the title of your live?” he asked like he’s stressed out.

 “i must say yes?, I don’t believe jess about it thooo.” I said.

 “if that so?, let me show you the dm section for clarification.”

 (king showed me his dm section and messenger through screen sharing)

 “see?, I don’t have another girl. The girl in my instagram is my yugo friend, the reason why I’m chatting with her is that I’m asking her if what time they are going to live.” he said.

 “well, don’t be too stressed out about that. I trust you babe. So have a good vibes..” I said to him.

 “i’ll hang up this call, go to your live and vibe with them” he said like he’s hurt.

 “don’t mind it anymore babe, just put in your mind that I trust you.” I said before he hanged up.

  “okay” he said.

 After the call, king messaged me saying “I love you” and I answered back to him “I love you too”. I cheered him up by telling him that I have trust on him that why I keep fighting for him.

 “how could you trust me? Why are you keep saying that you had trust on me, thooo were just talking on yugo and online?” he asked.

 “why?, you don’t want me to have trust on you?” I asked him back.

 “it’s up to you” he replied.

 “well, I’ll trust you anyways that I want.” I said.

 King said,“we still cant be on an intimate love.”, “were not meeting in person, we two are just hoping, and this is just a “HOPE”. it will be a long time for us to reach or pursue this kind of intimate love.”  

 “it will never be intimate if you would not give it a try, right?” I answered.

 “i just don’t want you to be hurt” he said.

 “why? Do you have plan to left me and find some other girls near to you? You don’t trust me or not?” I asked.

 “ughhh! Fuck, this is so hard to explain.” “ how could this type of our situation work?” he’s frustrating asked for me.

 “it will never work if we will not try it king.” I said.

 “so you’ll take risk, even though its an online relationship?” he asked

 “i’m ready to take risk tho, but I don’t know if you’re ready too.” I said.

 “ I want it too, but I’m too coward for this because I don’t want to cause you pain” he replied.

 “it will work if the both of us will fight together” I said.

 “ just let the time work, lets wait for the right time for us, okay?, I’m just here.” he said.

 “ I LOVE YOU” he added

 I replied, “ I LOVE YOU TOO”.

 After this conversation, I almost cry because I overthink and I overthink about what will happen the next. I had a lot of what ifs again like, “what if one day he will not chat me anymore?”, “what if he left me hangging?”, “what if he’s restraining himself for us to have an intimate love?”, “what if someday he will tell me for us to stop?”. That night I felt so unwell, I felt so empty and that time, I loose appetite to stream in yugo but after thirty minutes, That point in time, I must say that, that was the worst night that I had in my life. My what ifs that I was scared off suddenly happened on its wrong timing. My world crumbled and the only thing that I can do is to cry secretly. Not as being an exaggerated person but I asked God why did this thing happened to me?. king was the only one who made me feel that I deserve to be respected, I deserve to be love, and I’m worth it just I am. I thought he’s the one, the one that will never leave me behind.

 (king messaged me)

 “babe?” he asked

 “yes?” I respond.

 “why did you fell for me?, we don’t have label but we’re calling each other “babe” and saying “I love you” back to each others?” he asked.”I’m just clearing things up tho,”

 “I fell for you because you’re different from all those guys that I met before.” I answered.

 “ like how?” his ask.

 “i like you just the way you are. Because of you, I felt so excited to wake up in the morning, and no words can explain how different you are” I answered.

 “ cess, we don’t have label right?” he asked

 (at this point, I got very nervous, he called me cess already, there so many things came up in my mind and I don’t even know what to do.)

 “yes” I said.

 “can we stop this for a while?” he asked.

 “but why?” I asked him back.

 “ I’m having a hard time because of this, I’m studying and I’m worried if someday I cant be able to make you happy, I cant be able to update you, I cant be able to talk with you and I cant be able to make you smile” he said.

 “what if I’m not willing to stop of what we have for so long?” I asked. “ I understood your point, were both student here and all we can do is to go with the flow and sorry if kira misunderstood you before.” I added.

 After that, king called me and explain his side, he told me to stop the things that we are up to and be friends this time. He told me that he will never change, the king that I know before will be the king until the end. He’s too sorry for me, he told me that if there is something wrong about us is that could be him. I don’t need to blame myself about us because it’s all in him. He love me but the distance woke us up to reality that it will be hard for us to enter in a relationship that we were up to. In that point, I don’t know what to do but to cry and accept his decisions.

 “cess,please don’t cry anymore” his message.

 “i’m okay, thank you” I replied. “ but agai, sorry for messing up your name. I ‘am also wrong to let my feelings brought me up on what we are before.” I added.

 “it’s okay, we cant really control our emotions and again, I’m sorry” he replied.

 “yes, masakit pero ayos lang (it hurts but it’s fine)” I said.

 “i’ am really sorry, it’s all my fault” he replied.

 “ thank you for everything, for making me feel that I’m worth it to love and to have.” I said.

 “ you’re worth it, but you’re not meant for me” he said.

 “thank you king.” I replied

 And king answered, “thank you queen”.

 After our conversation, I visited my yugo and I saw jess streaming. I watched and I was invited to his live. Even though I’m still crying that time, I accepted his invitation and act like I had flu but behind that, I was still crying for what happened for awhile. Since jess and I used to talk about king, he asked me again and I answered it all.

 “bb, do you know the girls now? The girl that king talks about?” his ask.

 “uhhmm, why do you keep aking me about her?” I asked him.

 “well, I’m just curious” he said.

 “honestly, I was the girl who you wanted to know!” I answered.

 “omg, is it true? I’m sorry” he said. “how are you guys tho?” he added.

 “actually, we just ended up what we are before I stream with you. And the reason that I have runny nose it is because I’m still crying right now.” I replied

 “what was the reason?” he asked.

 “honestly because of what you’ve said before, I told kira that king has someone on his IG and she started to make assumptions against king, tho I’m not believing on that thing since I don’t have proof about it. And I think the reason why he did that decision is because he felt so down about what din kira said before” I said.

 “omg, I felt so bad for that. I think its all my fault. In our place, they always call me a relationship wrecker because I’m always messing up relationships. Today, I have I messed up three relationship. Sorry, its all my fault.” he said.

 “don’t be sorry, its not your faulth bb.” I said.

 “ I know how king loves you, he’s always sharing something good about you. He’s always flexing you cess.” he said

 “i felt that love from him jess, but I think he downgrade himself and brought himself into that decision” I replied

 “ it’s okay not to be okay bb, everythinh will be alright.” he’s cheering me up.

 “i met a lot of guys before but he’s the only one who made me feel like this, I will wait for him. I’ll wait for one week and will not entertain some other guys and if king didn’t message me within a week, I’ll let him go.

 Jess replied, “I’ll support you in any ways, I’m just here for you.”

  On the next day, I felt so empty, I don’t have appetite to attend online classes, I just wanted to sleep all day and that feeling was what I felt for a couple of days. The people that I am with in our home keep asking me “what happened to me”, I am acting different for a couple of days, and I became quiet and I just want to be alone. Because of the fact that I am broken, I brought up myself into this situation. Since I don’t know what to do, I keep on crying all day and open up from some of my friends on yugo. I did not entertain kira for three days but as a friend I forgave her.

 As time passes by, I’m still broken. I always posted a lot of “hugot” message for him, I shared posts related to my situation and how I felt since he left me, I always post memes for a purpose and all of those are for him, but as I’ve said, time passes by and the most awaited time for a couple of days just happen on its perfect timing.

 One day, on the afternoon, I was just scrolling at my social medias and unexpectedly king sent me a picture saying that “ thank you sun for the warmth, thank you clouds for the shade, and You, thank you for existing.” my heart aches because it beats so fast, I felt so fluttered about that and I rashly forward it back to him.

   After this event, everything has returned. We begin right from the start but at this point in time, we put God in the center of our relationship until he grant us the grace and time for us to meet after waiting for so long and suffer long distance relationship. Now, we are the characters of our on story, no supreme beings, no power, no fairy, and sailing on a huge sea while putting in our mind that our relationship is not like a book or a movie anymore that runs fast as flash and began and started to last.

[dragonasheswrites-blog]

Humor Me

Frisk didn't want to go to her grandma's friend's ventriloquism performance.  She was supposed to be going to a sleepover!

And what's up with that ventriloquist dummy?

On second thought, this might not be so boring after all.

Click here to read on Archive of Our Own, or read more below the cut.

“Thanks, folks!  You’ve been a great audience!”

“Yep.”

“We had fun today, didn’t we?”

“We sure did!  Do you know how much fun we had?”

“How much?”

“A skele-ton!”

The audience laughed.  Frisk laughed, too.  She’d been a little nervous, going to see a ventriloquist - she’d heard from the kids at school that ventriloquist dummies are creepy - but the show had been amazing!  The jokes and special effects had been really great, and the dummy had seemed almost...alive.

That was surprising, considering…

Well.

She was unbelievably curious.

“That’s all, folks!”  The ventriloquist stalked off the stage to applause and catcalls, his white hair swaying a little from the force of his retreat.

Frisk sat back in her chair.  Mom and Dad had come to the show because Gramma Jenny (Mom’s mom) had been friends with the ventriloquist way back in college.  He’d been known as “Jerry” back then instead of “Gerald the Voice.”  They had kept in touch - not really close friends anymore, but just normal people who were friendly and wrote letters to each other - and Gramma Jenny had wanted to see him again.

Then she’d fallen on a patch of ice and hurt her hip, and going to the show was out of the question.  Mom and Dad had decided to take Frisk instead, which Frisk found disappointing.  She was going to miss Terra’s sleepover!

It hadn’t been nearly as boring - or as scary - as she’d thought it would be.  It was almost - almost - worth missing a sleepover.  Still, Frisk had a hankering for an adventure.  She felt she deserved one, after the grown-ups made plans without her.

Mom and Dad were taking their time leaving the theater.  It was easy - almost too easy - to slip away from them where they sat, chatting with the people in the row behind them.  Mom and Dad knew lots of people; even a trip to the grocery store with them could be agonizingly long for Frisk.

She wondered how long it would take for them to notice that she was missing this time.

The backstage access in the old theater was easy to find.  It was a plain wooden door across from the concession stand marked “BACKSTAGE” in blocky painted letters.  It looked like someone had written a dirty joke underneath it; the words were just visible enough through the sloppy cover-up paint job to make Frisk blush.

The knob turned easily, much to her surprise.  She took a good look around her - grown-ups usually overlooked her, though some of them had a knack for sensing trouble - but it looked like no one was around.  The concession stand was closed and most of the people were congregated by the exits and the women’s restrooms.

Cracking the door open, Frisk caught a glimpse of a long, dark hallway.  She didn’t really know what to expect from backstage, having been in exactly two plays in her life (both of which were held in her school cafeteria), but she’d expected something...brighter.  She opened it a little wider and noticed light pooling out from under several doorways further down.

With one last glance, just in case a nosy grown-up had decided to look her way, Frisk slipped inside.

The hallway seemed brighter when it wasn’t competing against the harsh fluorescent lights of the theater lobby.  A bare bulb hung, unlit, in the center of the hallway, but the light from under the doors was enough for Frisk to see.  The hallway was narrow and felt a little like it was closing in on her, but someone had still found room to hang black-and-white pictures of old people on the walls.

A brief noise from down the hallway caught Frisk’s attention, and she remembered her mission.  She wanted - no, needed - to see that dummy!

One of the doors creaked a little and Frisk froze.  She counted - one Mississippi, two Mississippi, three Mississippi - but nothing else happened.  Carefully, listening so hard her ears felt almost stretched, she crept closer.

The room inside looked like a storage room.  Stacks of boxes lined the walls in a haphazard fashion, topped with props and decorations.  There was what looked like a changing area set up against the far wall with a mirror propped up on a desk, several racks of costumes, and a large black trunk.  From what she could see in the thin crack between the door and the doorframe, there was no movement and no sound.  She waited several moments; when no one yanked the door open and demanded to know who she was and why she was creeping around, she put one hand on the door -

One of the doors further down the hallway rattled, like someone was messing with the knob.  She couldn’t afford to be slow and quiet anymore!  She threw herself into the room and closed the door almost all the way, then glanced around frantically for a hiding space.

There!  A stack of boxes in the corner was topped with a convenient lamp.  It looked just barely big enough to hide Frisk, if she crouched down and was very, very quiet.

She managed to get herself into position just as the door to the room opened.  Her heart jumped again as she caught a glimpse of the ventriloquist, carrying his dummy gently against his chest like a toddler.

“...And I appreciate the shed puns as much as the next man, but please run them by me first, alright?”

“Okay,” said the dummy.  “Tough crowd tonight, huh?”

“Well, yes.  I grew up not too far from here.  There’s an old saying about prophets never being respected in their hometowns.  I think the same applies to comedians.  Folks just think you’re a hometown boy, not a hardworking entertainer.”

“Eh, no biggie.  You filled the house and got a few good laughs; that’s what counts, right?”

Something seemed...off.  Sure, the kids at school told horror stories about ventriloquist dummies being alive, but that wasn’t...real, right?  She shifted, but the ventriloquist had moved too far into the room for her to see him around the boxes.  Great for hiding, but not so great for spying.

And yet…

“Yes,” the ventriloquist was saying, “I am glad we got such a good audience.  I’d heard Jenny was going to be here, but I didn’t see her in the crowd.  I’d like to step into the lobby to see if I can catch her.”

“No way!  Jenny White, from the letters?”

...Why was the ventriloquist dummy speaking?

“The very same!”  There was a shuffle, but Frisk couldn’t see what was moving.  “How do I look, old boy?”

“Tibia honest, I’m sure she’d be happy tie see you, buddy.  Gah - stop, you’re making it worse.  Let me...there we go.  Go out and knock ‘er dead, yeah?”

The ventriloquist left.  Frisk remained very, very still.  She half-expected the dummy to sit up and start talking again, but everything was silent.

Okay.  Okay.  It was fine.  It was just a slightly creepy old man who, for unknown reasons, talked to himself when he was alone in his room.

Right?

Or...had he known that Frisk was there?  Had he been trying to trick her?

She braced herself, feeling a strong swell of something grip the pit of her stomach.  It blotted out her fear and worry and left her feeling...determined.

She stood up abruptly, catching the lamp when it wobbled.  She thought she heard something clattering, but when she looked around nothing was moving.

She stepped around the boxes, tip-toeing just in case.

The dummy sat on the desk, leaned up against the mirror.  It was bigger than Frisk thought it would be.  She wondered how the ventriloquist moved it around so easily, but then again, it  was  a skeleton.  It probably didn’t weigh a lot.

It looked a little...silly, up close.  It didn’t really look like the human skeletons Frisk had seen in science books.  The hands and what she could see of the arms that disappeared into the sleeves of its snazzy tuxedo were thicker and more rounded, looking almost like human hands and arms despite their lack of skin.  They didn’t look at all like the x-ray Frisk had in her closet from when she’d broken her arm in third grade.

The skull was rounded, with actual cheeks and a slightly wrinkled forehead.  Frisk carefully ran a finger along the crease, being extra careful so she didn’t knock the dummy over.  It felt a little squishy, like rubber.  She wondered if the face could be molded into different expressions.  The wide grin was starting to get a little creepy.

The eye sockets were strange.  They were black holes, not at all like what Frisk remembered human eye sockets looking like.  Wasn’t there supposed to be something there?  She thought she remembered something in human eye sockets to hold eyes, which made sense, right?  But...hadn’t there been little white dots in the dummy’s eyes when it had been onstage?  How did the ventriloquist do that?

Tilting her head to the side, she caught a faint glow on one of the eye sockets.  It looked almost like the reflection of light off drying paint, visible without being shiny.  She inched a finger closer.  She wondered if it was squishy, like jelly…

“Yeah, no, kid.”

Frisk screamed and leapt backwards, the motion sending her tripping into a chair.  Unfortunately, she had too much momentum and toppled over the other side of the chair before hitting her shoulder on the floor.

She lay still for a long moment.  What the HECK??  Was the dummy actually alive?  How?  Had she just stuck her hands all over someone’s face??

“I, uh, can still see you.  C’mon out and talk, huh?”

Frisk curled in on herself, willing herself to be small and unnoticeable.  She thought she heard a sigh, but it sounded funny and she couldn’t be sure.

“Uh, you okay there, kid?  If you don’t come over here and talk, I’m gonna call someone.”

Frisk sat up.

“Hey, there you are, kiddo!”  The dummy waved its - his? - hand at her.  “Hey!  So, uh, do you usually try to poke people’s eyes out?  Doesn’t seem like a very nice way to greet a new friend.”

She sat, shakily, onto the traitorous chair.  “Y-you’re alive."  All the strength she’d felt earlier seemed to have drained out of her.  Mostly, she just felt tired.  And a little scared.  Talking skeletons, after all.

The dummy - or whatever he was - turned his head.  Those little white lights had reappeared in the black jelly that filled his eye sockets, making him look at least ten times friendlier.  “I...yeah.  Yeah.  I’m...alive?”  He said it like a statement that was just vague enough to be a question.

“You’re not sure?”

“No, no...I’m alive, really.  I’m just surprised that you came to that conclusion.”

Frisk puzzled the big word over in her head.  “Oh.  I mean...well, you’re talking, aren’t you?  Talking on your own, I mean.  You can move and stuff, right?”

“Yeah, sure.  How d’ya know I’m not a robot or something?”

She narrowed her eyes at him.  “You made puns.”

He laughed so hard Frisk was worried he’d fall off his desk or knock over the mirror or something.  “Yeah, yeah I did.  Man, you sound like my brother.”

“You have a brother?”  The thought of two little skeletons punning at each other with a dumbfounded ventriloquist standing awkwardly behind them made her smile.

“Yeah.  Oh, he’s a lot taller than me.  Almost as tall as Jerry, really.  I got the short bones.”

Frisk giggled.  “O-oh, sorry.  I shouldn’t laugh.  Mom says it’s rude to laugh at someone.”

“Hey, no skin off my back.  You’d have to be a dummy not to laugh at my jokes, huh?”  He waved his hands in a jazzy fashion, inviting more laughter.  “But hey, how’d you find your way back here, anyways?  I thought this place was supposed to be empty except for Ol’ Jer and I.”

She looked down and shuffled her feet.  “O-oh.  I, um, I snuck in.  I was…curious.”  It seemed awful to say, knowing that he was a real person and not just a fancy doll.

“Oh?  Why?”

“The dummy - you, I mean - looked too...real.”

There was silence.  Frisk looked up to find the skeleton staring at her.  She couldn’t read his expression.  “I...I’m sorry-”

“No.  N-no, it’s fine.  It’s just…” he laughed, but it didn’t sound very happy, “I guess I’m so used to being a dummy that...I’m not quite used to being a real person, y’know?”

She nodded.  It did sound pretty awful.  “So...I don’t mean to be rude, but what...are you?  I mean, I’m pretty sure you’re not human, but I’m not sure what else you could be?”

The skeleton’s grin widened, and he stuck out a hand.  “Oh!  I’m Sans, Sans the skeleton.  I’m a monster.  Have you ever heard of them?  There aren’t many of us.”

She took Sans’s hand and gave it a hearty shake.  “Nice t’meet you, Mr. Sans the skeleton!  I don’t think I’ve ever met a monster, but I might have heard about them once from Ms. Charelle at school.  She’s the history teacher, and she knows almost everything.”

“Oh?  Almost everything?”

Frisk grinned.  “She doesn’t know about the secret candy stash Blake has been hiding in her bottom desk drawer all year.”

Sans laughed again, for real this time, and Frisk smiled.  She liked making people laugh!  Especially Sans, who had one of those laughs that made her want to laugh too.

“You’re a good kid.  Well, when you’re not breaking and entering, that is.”

“...Oh.  Right.”  She shuffled her feet again.  She could feel her face growing hot.

“Hey, don’t sweat it.  How old are you, kid?”

Frisk mentally counted the days.  “Eleven and nine months and three days.  Almost twelve.”

“Heh.  Yeah.  You’re practically grown up, aren’t you.”  Frisk had heard that before, but Sans said it differently.  He said it sincerely, not like most grown-ups or older kids who said it like they were mocking a little baby.

Which Frisk definitely wasn’t.

“Yeah!  I’m gonna be the best grown-up ever!  I’m gonna stay up late and eat candy before bedtime, and read stories and make people laugh!  I’m not gonna be a stuffy old lady!”  She put her hands on her hips and put on her best serious face.

“Wonderful!  Then you’d fit right in here!”

Frisk froze.  Sans was looking over Frisk’s shoulder.  He wasn’t the one who had spoken.

Slowly, she turned on the chair to peek over the back.  The ventriloquist was standing in the doorway.

“O-oh, um, hi,” she said, “Did you know Sans is alive?”

The ventriloquist laughed.  “I am well aware, little one.  He’s the best joke partner an old man like me could ask for!  And you must be Frisk Walker, hmm?  Your parents are looking for you.”

Dread filled Frisk’s heart, only to dissipate when she heard Sans mutter, “More like Frisk Fall-er.”

She couldn’t help it; she giggled again.

“Sans,” the ventriloquist said, in a tone that was probably supposed to be scolding and fell pretty short.  “Anyways, Frisk, we’d better get you out to your parents, hmm?”

“Okay ,” she said.  She turned and waved.  “G’bye, Sans!  See you later, hopefully!”

“Bye, Frisk,” he said, waving back.

Frisk smiled.  She felt much better -

A hand came down firmly on Frisk’s shoulder, steering her into another room.  She felt a little faint, like she had when she first heard Sans speak.  “U-um...wait, stop-”

They stopped inside the doorway of what appeared to be another, smaller storage room.  The ventriloquist closed the door quietly and stared down at Frisk, looking a lot more serious than he had earlier.  “So, Frisk Walker.  What am I going to do with you, young lady?”

“T-take me back to my parents?”  The question came out much less confident than she’d hoped, more like a plea than a joke.

The ventriloquist huffed anyways.  “Yes, yes, in a moment.  I take it you don’t understand the seriousness of what you did?  No?  Well, I’ll explain it to you.  You look like a bright young woman.

“Monsters came up from the Underground, where they were trapped for centuries, about twelve years ago.  It doesn’t matter how; just know that they were Underground for a long time, then they were set free.

“The problem is that a lot of monsters were very angry with humans.  It had been humans who trapped them down there in the first place, after a big fight between humans and monsters.  No, no questions.  Just listen.

“So monsters weren’t happy with humans.  We humans, as it turned out, didn’t like being attacked by monsters.  Both sides were very convinced that they were right, but in the end, the humans won.  It wasn’t even a big fight.  Do you know what that means?  They don’t really talk much about it in school, I imagine.”

“No,” Frisk said to both questions.

“I thought not.  Well, no one wanted to kill monsters or stick them back Underground.  They might look different, but they’re still people; they didn’t deserve that.  We settled for a...mentorship program, of sorts.  Basically, a human can vouch for a monster.  The human is held responsible for the monster’s actions, and the monster is allowed to live in relative freedom in exchange.

“I was a volunteer at one of the monster refugee camps not too long after the war; I helped out however I could during the day, and did shows for the monsters and the other volunteers in the evenings.  That’s how I met Sans.  He was a comedian back in the Underground, you see.  He made some suggestions, and they were a hit.  Eventually we decided to take our show on the road!  He won’t go anywhere without his brother, so they both came with me.

“It’s not...perfect, of course.  We tried doing a monster-human act in the early days, but there was a lot of bad feelings towards monsters back then.  Too many people had been hurt or killed during the war.  So we moved halfway across the country and tried again, with Sans acting as a ventriloquist dummy.”

“How does that even work?”  Frisk asked, unable to contain herself.

“Haha!  Well, he wears a harness under his suit with a handle on the back that lets me move him up and down.  It’s a bit like the harnesses folks wear to fly across the stage in theater; it redistributes his weight.  Not super comfortable, but it does its job.  The rest he does himself.

“Do you know why I’m telling you all this?”

Frisk shook her head.  She’d been wondering that herself.

“It’s because I need you to keep a secret.  See, no one knows that Sans is a real person.  He doesn’t look like a human skeleton, so most folks just assume.  Every once in a while, though, we’ll get a curious person - like yourself - who gets a little too close.  No one’s ever actually talked with him, though; that’s a bit surprising.  He usually just plays dead until folks get bored.  Not pleasant for him, really.  I try not to leave him alone.  I...got careless today.”

“Oh.  I-I’m sorry.  I didn’t mean to hurt anyone.”

“Oh, sweetie, you didn’t.  Sans is fine - he would’ve called me if he wasn’t - and you’re fine and I’m fine.  And your parents will be fine, as soon as we get you back out to them.”

“I promise I’ll keep your secret, Mr. Ventriloquist.”

“Haha!  Thanks, Miss Frisk.  And ‘Jerry’ is fine.  All my friends call me Jerry.”

Frisk nodded, her face serious, and shook the hand Jerry offered.  “Okay then, Jerry.  I’ll keep your secret.  Well, Sans’s secret, I guess.”

“Thanks.  We both appreciate it.”  Jerry opened the door and waved his hand, letting Frisk exit the room first.

They walked back down the hallway together.  Frisk resisted the urge to turn around and say good-bye to Sans again.

“Don’t worry,” Jerry said as they approached the door back to the lobby.  “You’ll see us again, I’m sure of it.  It’s been a long time since I’ve seen Sans take such a shine to someone.  I’m sure you two will be great friends.”

“Okay.”  Frisk wasn’t sure if nearly poking someone’s eye out counted as friendship, but she didn’t want to get in trouble.

“And write to us sometime, won’t you?  Your Grandma Jenny has the address.  Just be sure not to show the letters to anyone, okay?”

“Okay!”

They stepped back out into the lobby.  No one was looking at them, though Frisk could see a gathering of people still over by the women’s restroom.

“This way, Miss Frisk.  Your parents were over by the front door, last I looked.”

“Okay!”

Frisk skipped after Jerry, humming to herself a little.  What a day!  She’d missed the slumber party, sure, but she’d wound up with two super-secret friends.

She couldn’t wait to write them a letter!

“So...what was that about, Sans?”

“She’s the one.”

“That was melodramatic, even for you.  You’re not a movie villain.  She’s the one what?"

“Frisk is the one you’ve been looking for, the one who’s going to change the world.  Or, at least, take over your act.”

“What - her?  She’s ten!”

“Eleven, nine months, and three days.  Almost twelve.”

“...I’m not even going to ask how you know that.”

“Probably for the best.  I’m serious, though, Jerry.  I think she’s going to take over for you...in both of your roles.”

“She’s a child.  I’m not even sure she’s interested; and if she is, she’ll need training.  There’s no such thing as a natural.  This - what we do - is a lot of work, more work than most kids want to invest into anything these days.”

“Trust me on this; she’ll do it.  I can tell.  She’s the sort of person who will do anything she sets her mind to.  She’s...determined.”

“Well, fine.  I can see you’ve got your mind set on this.  What do you propose we do about it, though?  She lives here, and we...travel.  A lot.”

“You’re not getting any younger.  Why not take a year off?  Spend some time around here.  Your house is still standing, last I checked.  Paps’ll be happy to be able to clean the old place up and to get out of hotel rooms.  Working for monster personhood can be done here just as easily as on the road; heck, it’ll probably be easier to have a base of operations.

“As for work, wasn’t there that part-time opportunity with the local library system you were eyeing?  You can do that, and maybe pick up that school gig too.  Take Frisk on as an apprentice.  You won’t be free until nearly Summer anyways; she can spare some time then.”

“And if she doesn’t want to?  Dusty old backstage storage rooms are hardly exciting to most young ladies.”

“But secrets are.  Let her spend some time with us - you, me, and Paps - and it should make up for the...less exciting parts of the job.  Well, jobs.”

“...You really are set on this.”

“Yep.”

“Then fine.  We’ll finish out the tour, then…”

“Then we’ll see what skeletons little Miss Frisk has in her closet.”

“...That doesn’t even make sense, Sans.”

[fuckstudy]

Hey, I have a question regarding test anxiety. I'm a junior in high school right now (11th grade) and I was diagnosed with GAD in 9th grade. But I'll admit that I was a mess in 9th grade - I didn't do my work, it was always rushed, my depression was terrible, I never focused and my GPA was in the gutter. But last year, in 10th grade, I improved a lot. I improved my work habits, I focused, I did everything I possibly could. And I actually did well. I managed to pull a 3.78. Not too shabby. +

(cont) + and this year I’m continuing my work habits. I’m in the IB Diploma programme so the courses are a lot harder but I swear to god I’m trying. But my GPA dropped to a 3.6 and I promised myself I would bring it up. And I studied so goddamn hard for my exams, I swear I did, but I got a C on my business exam. And my grade dropped, and my GPA dropped. I review a lot, I swear. I had a study session with one of the smartest people in my biology class and we went over everything. She told me not +

+ but I can really see that I need the help. My thoughts are drifting toward suicide, and as much as I know that I SHOULD ask for help, I don’t WANT to. My GPA dropped to a 3.4 today. I was at a friend’s house when I found out and I just went to the toilet and cried. All my life (before 9th grade) I was a straight A student. I got awards, I was athletic, I was an all-rounder. But now? I’m stupid, I’m fat, I’m ugly. I can’t do anything right. +

+ I feel like I’m constantly cheating people? I don’t think that makes sense. By people call me smart because I understand the material and I can easily explain it to them, but they don’t know that I don’t do well on tests. And I feel like I’m cheating them and hiding who I truly am. A couple of my friends know, but they don’t really help me out. I mean, yes, they’re there for me. But it’s not directly helping with my anxiety. ++ and I’m sorry for this long message. I don’t know why I sent it on anon to you, because you can’t help me from behind a computer screen, and that’s perfectly okay. I get it. It’s okay, really. But I think I just needed to vent. I need some sort of validation that I’ll do okay in life and I won’t flunk out of high school. I’m just…I’m tired. All the trying and still failing is frustrating me so much. I’m about to just quit trying at all. Why bother? +

+ I’ve tried everything - breathing slowly, reviewing more, clenching and relaxing my muscles, everything. But nothing seems to help me and I just get more and more nervous. Anyway, I’m sorry for this rant. I just really needed to let all this out somewhere. Thank you.

Hi anon, 

Thank you for yourmessage. Thank you for having the courage to share this with me and forreaching out - everyone needs a space to vent and I'm glad that I could helpyou in that regard.

My answer is noreplacement for medical advice, which I actively encourage you to seek ifnecessary. However, from the tone of your message it sounds like you want afriend, someone to listen to you as opposed to medical advice that you'vepreviously sought.

I'm no doctor, but Ican be a friend. 

On working hard and not receiving the grade you want

From your academichistory it sounds like you're a very capable student. I do not doubt for asecond that you've studied hard, dedicated yourself to your studies, andstepped up to meet the challenges of the IB Diploma. Just because your academicresults do not reflect that effort, doesn't mean that it was all done in vain,or that it was a waste of time. Just because you didn't get an A, doesn't meanyou didn't try. 

I was raised on thephilosophy that "if I didn't achieve the best result, obviously I didn'ttry hard enough, and therefore I need to work harder." But life doesn'twork that way. The academic system does not work that way. You can try hard and still fail. Becausethere's a thousand and one factors that are beyond your control, no matter howhard you've tried to control them, or mitigate their adverse effects.  Success is not a reward that youautomatically are entitled to just because you've worked hard.

The grade youreceive will never ever be an accurate reflection of the effort or thesacrifice that you put in. It only accounts for your performance in that tinysnapshot of time - at that exam hall, in that hour, of that one day of yourlife. That's it. It doesn't tell me whether you're a good person, doesn't tellme anything about your sense of humour, what tv shows you like, what songs youlike to sing in the shower, what your favourite flavour of ice cream is. Itdoesn't tell me whether you're a morning person or a night owl.

What hurts is whenwe fail to meet our own expectations. And how we deal with them. I've writtensome posts addressing those points here and here.

On practical advice re: test anxiety

Once again, ifyou've found that seeking professional medical help has assisted in the past, Ihighly recommend that you seek it out. 

Personally, when Ireceive a grade that I'm disappointed in I try to frame it this way: "Itwasn't because I didn't put in enough effort - it was because I was directingmy efforts in the wrong direction."

Its not about howmany hours you study - its about whether your studying habits are addressingthe assessment criteria.

This requires you totailor your studying habits to your curriculum and assessment style.

Don't learn thingsyou won't be assessed on. Prioritise the topics you need to learn by referenceto how much time your teacher spent on it during class, the proportion of thecourse the topic took up in your semester, and whether or not you've been assessedon the topic prior to the exam or not. Ask your teachers. Alternatively, deducewhat your exam will be like by looking at the format of past exams.

Find some time toreplicate exam conditions - for example, doing practice exam questions, workingunder time pressure.  Set up familiarpatterns of behaviour you can replicate in the exam hall - for example, I wouldalways have my watch on the top right hand side of the table and place my sparepens right under, with my waterbottle on the floor. Going through the samesequence of events when I entered the exam hall helped me "get into themindset" and calm me down.  

Whilst nothingreally ever compared to the 'exam' hall for me, I found that being 'familiar'with what to expect made me feel much more prepared when I sat the exam. Sure,my hands still shook when I entered the exam room, and I still felt like Iwanted to hurl, but due to conditioning, my mind adapted to working under thatkind of pressure. And whilst I wasn't performing as well as I would be had Itaken the same question home and "studied" it; at least I wasperforming in an exam environment.

And in the end, that's what it boils down to: it doesn't really matter whetheror not you're performing at 100% in the exam hall - as long as you're puttingsomething on the page, you will be ok. It wont be perfect, but you're gettingthe fuck through it.

And yes, all the"general" tips apply. However, if you're finding that they're nothelping, be brave and seek advice from elsewhere - whether that be medicalhelp, online, journaling, or having an activity outside of the hectic hell holethat is high school.

On getting help

"Knowing"and "accepting" something are two very, very different things.Knowing that you need help doesn't mean you accept that you need it. Acceptingthat you need help does not automatically mean you will get help. And that'sok. Give yourself time to assess your options. Don't feel like it's a "race" to get help - no one should beforcing you to 'get help' nor judging whether or not you do. It's yourrecovery.

But give yourself awarning flag - a threshold that, once breached, will be a sign for you tore-evaluate your options.

Friends are friends.And good intentions are just that - intentions. They don't magically translateto a cure. And its great that they're there for you. But support, whilstuseful, doesn't mean that things will automatically be ok.

Because in the end,its something for you to accomplish.

I think of it as aship. My friends are my crew - they row the boat with me, we share funnystories about what we see on the sea, we swear and curse and cry and love.They'll support me through thick and thin. But in the end I'm the captain of myship, I need to steer the ship in the right course. I still need to call theshots. So we can all get there together.

On imposter's syndrome

Anon, I feel thisall too keenly. 

As someone who has'held themselves out' to be studious, or to be smart, or who completed  an 'advanced degree so oh my god you must besmart', when I don't meet those supposed expectations, I feel like I am animposter. Like somehow, I've "talked to talk" but failed to"walk the walk"

I feel like I don'tdeserve my achievements.

That some day,someone is going to see me for who I am and take all those achievements awayfrom me.

But it boils down tothis: I feel like I needed to 'prove' myself to people.

But why?  You don't need to be perfect, you don't needto be "the smartest person" just because you've been labelled as"smart". You're human - which means you can be a duality of things.You can be study-smart, but street stupid. You can be street smart but studystupid. You can excel in practical application but be at a loss when it comesto theoretical application.

You don't need to beperfect to be "genuine".

You're human. You'reallowed to make mistakes. You are more than this stupid arbitrary box that thepeople around you have chosen to define you by.

And you are morethan your academics. Just because your ability to explain things verbally isn'treflected in your written grades doesn't mean you're "dumb" orcheating, or hiding who you truly are. It probably attests to how you're averbal communicator. And in the end that's only one very small piece of thepuzzle. Who you are doesn't stop at that first sentence.

 I'm a law graduate.I'm smart. I also procrastinate the shit out of everything and regularly pullall nighters, drink too much, stay in bed all day, cry and feel lost.

 All those sentencesare accurate. Who I am doesn't stop at the first full stop.

You're not hiding who you truly are. They're just notgiving you a chance to elaborate on that picture.

On how you are going to get through this

You will get throughthis. You've picked yourself up before and pushed through. You don't need to bethat "all rounder" - you just need to be the version of you who you'dlike to be at this point, at this time. It'll come in small steps, your smallvictories of the day - but define them and celebrate them.  

Remember life is not a collection of binary outcomes.Just because you didn't get an "A" does not mean that you've failed.Just because you're not "athletic" doesn't mean you're"fat". There's so many shades of grey in between. It's not one or theother; its just a work in progress. 

Keep working on it.

Its easy for me tosay because I've completed high school, university, all that jazz. Hindsightand all that. But you will get through this - tooth and nail. And when you comeout on the other side, you'll be able to help others to get through too. Find somethingthat will get you through - heck it doesn't need to be some "life longpassion or dream" that every movie and studyblr talks about - it justneeds to be something small, something that will get you out of bed, somethingthat will help you be kinder to yourself. 

And when its doneand dusted, I can't promise you that life will be perfect, or that you'll havethe life you're dreaming of, but I can promise you that it'll be different towhere you are now.

And sometimes, thehope of change is all we need to get through.

And finally, on how its really, really, really ok to send melong messages  

I can't stress toyou how much I admire your bravery for sharing your experiences with me. I'mnot confident that this message will change anything, or fix anything. But Ihope, at the very least, its helped you feel less alone.

For a moment.

Because messageslike yours are the only reason why I continue to run this shitshow of a blog.

So thank you.

All the best anon.I'm rooting for you.

[elfroschkoenig]

Woah, this is really happening. All these new year resolutions I have kept for all this time. It is almost like I am a productive human being. Before I start with the happenings of week two I have to add an event that I erased out of my memory probably for its cruelty. It occurred on Saturday and I am proud to say that I survived going to the sauna with four finns. The observant reader might ask himself to which sauna I went. Easy answer: my dorm has a sauna (besides being called Parenthesen and being shaped like a parenthesis, which is totally bad-ass. Fuck yeah.) In fact, I had been to the sauna with some (non-finnish) roommates before and it had been an agreeable experience. So when I was asked by Erik I agreed to go there. Little did I know that I would end up sitting in the sauna like this:

Because Erik would do this:

Wait 30 seconds and do this:

Wait another 30 seconds and do this:

For 10 times. Or 20? I can't remember and probably don't know the full answer because I had to leave the sauna to drink some water before the fins ended their session. Of course, we also had to go outside in the freezing cold because it was 10pm and snow had fallen just a couple of days before. Anyways, the bottom line is that I survived. If Erik asks I'll probably do it again though.

I started the week...

with preparing a PowerPointPresentation for the last course I ever had to take at university. Although the presentation itself was only graded Fail or Pass I put a lot more effort in it than needed. This in return meant that I missed a preparatory meeting for the International Welcome Day on Tuesday. But Freja, who is the coordinator was supercool about it and because I already knew her from before, I just had to send her a couple of cute gifs and apologize.

So, on Tuesday I was working at the International Welcome Day. Basically it is a day set-up especially for the exchange students from overseas (Canada, USA, Australia & New Zealand, China etc.), where they can get all the information they need to start their life in Lund. In the morning I helped out by welcoming the students and instructing them on where they could leave their suitcases, get their keys for their apartments and so on. It was fun because I was working with some other students together, whose names I forgot in the middle before remembering them again and then forgetting them again. After noon, I switched positions and drove a mini-van to take the people from Lund Central station to the IKDC, where the information centre was located, and from the IKDC to their apartments. Driving was super fun, and while I was concerned in the beginning about me driving another than my parents' car, everything went super smoothly. We finished around 8pm and I got a super nice compliment from Freja. Apparently several people had told her that I was super funny (to work with) (Fig. 1).

Fig. 1: Yeah, like I am always super funny and not super annoying.

On Wednesday Laura, a German study friend, went to the introductory class for our Swedish language course. When I started studying in Sweden I had used Duolingo to learn Swedish. After having moved into my corridor my corridor friends helped me learning Swedish real fast. Right now I am taking the follow up course of SFI, which stands for Svenska för Invandare (= Swedish for Immigrants). The slight difference is that the last course was led by a teacher and we had classes twice a week while this course requires me to study all by myself.

But,

it is not like I am doing anything import this term.  After the course we had our feedback seminar for last term's group report, where we got overall very positive feedback, so we are very eager to see if we get the grade we want and expect. In the evening I went to repair my bike at BikeKitchenLund. BikeKitchenLund is an event every Tuesday and Wednesday in Lund, where everyone can go and repair his bike for free. Of course this is awesome and since students in Lund rely on their bikes, it is well visited  So I have become real good and repairing my bike in Lund. Basically I've changed the tires, the pedals, replaced the cords for the breaks and the gears at least once in Lund. This should normally really be a sign that I've paid way too much for the rust bucket but I choose to actively live in denial on this one.

On Thursday I was still busy working on our presentation which we finally held on Friday. I have been mentioning the presentation and the project quite often now, so I'll explain to you in one sentence what is was generally about: Together with five other students in my course, we planned and organized a mock-up assessment centre for 6 students from Lund University last term. On Saturday Erik, his girlfriend Johanna and me went to the Ikea in Malmö to buy some needed stuff for the corridor like cutlery, glasses and plates because it always mysteriously vanishes over time and we needed to replace it. After coming back we enjoying the ribs Erik and I had marinated the night before and cooked in the slow cooker for 7 hours. After that and finally tidying up my room I went to a house / welcome back party where we played some rounds of King’s Cup before I took a quick pit-stop at Laura’s apartment to say hello, look at the massive paper horse she has standing in her living room and drink a couple glasses of water to sober up a bit before cycling home.

What is the conclusion of this week's blog? Yes, I know, it has been a rather uneventful week. Some might say it was quite boring. And I agree with you. Then again, in last week's blog I said I would disappoint you by writing another post. So for this week's blog it decided to disappoint you in advance. Also next week's blog might be longer and go into more details about stuff that has already happened or has happened this week (keyword: Master Thesis, Skanör). I just have to figure a smooth way of incorporating that into the structure of the blog.

Yours sincerely, en riktig svensk kille

[thesnhuup]

Pop Picks – October 15, 2018

What I’m listening to:

We had the opportunity to see our favorite band, The National, live in Dallas two weeks ago. Just after watching Mistaken for Strangers, the documentary sort of about the band. So we’ve spent a lot of time going back into their earlier work, listening to songs we don’t know well, and reaffirming that their musicality, smarts, and sound are both original and astoundingly good. They did not disappoint in concert and it is a good thing their tour ended, as we might just spend all of our time and money following them around. Matt Berninger is a genius and his lead vocals kill me (and because they are in my range, I can actually sing along!). Their arrangements are profoundly good and go right to whatever brain/heart wiring that pulls one in and doesn’t let them go.

What I’m reading:

Who is Richard Powers and why have I only discovered him now, with his 12th book? Overstory is profoundly good, a book that is essential and powerful and makes me look at my everyday world in new ways. In short, a dizzying example of how powerful can be narrative in the hands of a master storyteller. I hesitate to say it’s the best environmental novel I’ve ever read (it is), because that would put this book in a category. It is surely about the natural world, but it is as much about we humans. It’s monumental and elegiac and wondrous at all once. Cancel your day’s schedule and read it now. Then plant a tree. A lot of them.

What I’m watching:

Bo Burnham wrote and directed Eighth Grade and Elsie Fisher is nothing less than amazing as its star (what’s with these new child actors; see Florida Project). It’s funny and painful and touching. It’s also the single best film treatment that I have seen of what it means to grow up in a social media shaped world. It’s a reminder that growing up is hard. Maybe harder now in a world of relentless, layered digital pressure to curate perfect lives that are far removed from the natural messy worlds and selves we actually inhabit. It’s a well-deserved 98% on Rotten Tomatoes and I wonder who dinged it for the missing 2%.

  Archive

September 7, 2018

What I’m listening to:

With a cover pointing back to the Beastie Boys’ 1986 Licensed to Ill, Eminem’s quietly released Kamikaze is not my usual taste, but I’ve always admired him for his “all out there” willingness to be personal, to call people out, and his sheer genius with language. I thought Daveed Diggs could rap fast, but Eminem is supersonic at moments, and still finds room for melody. Love that he includes Joyner Lucas, whose “I’m Not Racist” gets added to the growing list of simply amazing music videos commenting on race in America. There are endless reasons why I am the least likely Eminem fan, but when no one is around to make fun of me, I’ll put it on again.

What I’m reading:

Lesley Blume’s Everyone Behaves Badly, which is the story behind Hemingway’s The Sun Also Rises and his time in 1920s Paris (oh, what a time – see Midnight in Paris if you haven’t already). Of course, Blume disabuses my romantic ideas of that time and place and everyone is sort of (or profoundly so) a jerk, especially…no spoiler here…Hemingway. That said, it is a compelling read and coming off the Henry James inspired prose of Mrs. Osmond, it made me appreciate more how groundbreaking was Hemingway’s modern prose style. Like his contemporary Picasso, he reinvented the art and it can be easy to forget, these decades later, how profound was the change and its impact. And it has bullfights.

What I’m watching:

Chloé Zhao’s The Rider is just exceptional. It’s filmed on the Pine Ridge Reservation, which provides a stunning landscape, and it feels like a classic western reinvented for our times. The main characters are played by the real-life people who inspired this narrative (but feels like a documentary) film. Brady Jandreau, playing himself really, owns the screen. It’s about manhood, honor codes, loss, and resilience – rendered in sensitive, nuanced, and heartfelt ways. It feels like it could be about large swaths of America today. Really powerful.

August 16, 2018

What I’m listening to:

In my Spotify Daily Mix was Percy Sledge’s When A Man Loves A Woman, one of the world’s greatest love songs. Go online and read the story of how the song was discovered and recorded. There are competing accounts, but Sledge said he improvised it after a bad breakup. It has that kind of aching spontaneity. It is another hit from Muscle Shoals, Alabama, one of the GREAT music hotbeds, along with Detroit, Nashville, and Memphis. Our February Board meeting is in Alabama and I may finally have to do the pilgrimage road trip to Muscle Shoals and then Memphis, dropping in for Sunday services at the church where Rev. Al Green still preaches and sings. If the music is all like this, I will be saved.

What I’m reading:

John Banville’s Mrs. Osmond, his homage to literary idol Henry James and an imagined sequel to James’ 1881 masterpiece Portrait of a Lady. Go online and read the first paragraph of Chapter 25. He is…profoundly good. Makes me want to never write again, since anything I attempt will feel like some other, lowly activity in comparison to his mastery of language, image, syntax. This is slow reading, every sentence to be savored.

What I’m watching:

I’ve always respected Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg, but we just watched the documentary RGB. It is over-the-top great and she is now one of my heroes. A superwoman in many ways and the documentary is really well done. There are lots of scenes of her speaking to crowds and the way young women, especially law students, look at her is touching.  And you can’t help but fall in love with her now late husband Marty. See this movie and be reminded of how important is the Law.

July 23, 2018

What I’m listening to:

Spotify’s Summer Acoustic playlist has been on repeat quite a lot. What a fun way to listen to artists new to me, including The Paper Kites, Hollow Coves, and Fleet Foxes, as well as old favorites like Leon Bridges and Jose Gonzalez. Pretty chill when dialing back to a summer pace, dining on the screen porch or reading a book.

What I’m reading:

Bryan Stevenson’s Just Mercy. Founder of the Equal Justice Initiative, Stevenson tells of the racial injustice (and the war on the poor our judicial system perpetuates as well) that he discovered as a young graduate from Harvard Law School and his fight to address it. It is in turn heartbreaking, enraging, and inspiring. It is also about mercy and empathy and justice that reads like a novel. Brilliant.

What I’m watching:

Fauda. We watched season one of this Israeli thriller. It was much discussed in Israel because while it focuses on an ex-special agent who comes out of retirement to track down a Palestinian terrorist, it was willing to reveal the complexity, richness, and emotions of Palestinian lives. And the occasional brutality of the Israelis. Pretty controversial stuff in Israel. Lior Raz plays Doron, the main character, and is compelling and tough and often hard to like. He’s a mess. As is the world in which he has to operate. We really liked it, and also felt guilty because while it may have been brave in its treatment of Palestinians within the Israeli context, it falls back into some tired tropes and ultimately falls short on this front.

    June 11, 2018

What I’m listening to:

Like everyone else, I’m listening to Pusha T drop the mic on Drake. Okay, not really, but do I get some points for even knowing that? We all walk around with songs that immediately bring us back to a time or a place. Songs are time machines. We are coming up on Father’s Day. My own dad passed away on Father’s Day back in 1994 and I remembering dutifully getting through the wake and funeral and being strong throughout. Then, sitting alone in our kitchen, Don Henley’s The End of the Innocence came on and I lost it. When you lose a parent for the first time (most of us have two after all) we lose our innocence and in that passage, we suddenly feel adult in a new way (no matter how old we are), a longing for our own childhood, and a need to forgive and be forgiven. Listen to the lyrics and you’ll understand. As Wordsworth reminds us in In Memoriam, there are seasons to our grief and, all these years later, this song no longer hits me in the gut, but does transport me back with loving memories of my father. I’ll play it Father’s Day.

What I’m reading:

The Fifth Season, by N. K. Jemisin. I am not a reader of fantasy or sci-fi, though I understand they can be powerful vehicles for addressing the very real challenges of the world in which we actually live. I’m not sure I know of a more vivid and gripping illustration of that fact than N. K. Jemisin’s Hugo Award winning novel The Fifth Season, first in her Broken Earth trilogy. It is astounding. It is the fantasy parallel to The Underground Railroad, my favorite recent read, a depiction of subjugation, power, casual violence, and a broken world in which our hero(s) struggle, suffer mightily, and still, somehow, give us hope. It is a tour de force book. How can someone be this good a writer? The first 30 pages pained me (always with this genre, one must learn a new, constructed world, and all of its operating physics and systems of order), and then I could not put it down. I panicked as I neared the end, not wanting to finish the book, and quickly ordered the Obelisk Gate, the second novel in the trilogy, and I can tell you now that I’ll be spending some goodly portion of my weekend in Jemisin’s other world.

What I’m watching:

The NBA Finals and perhaps the best basketball player of this generation. I’ve come to deeply respect LeBron James as a person, a force for social good, and now as an extraordinary player at the peak of his powers. His superhuman play during the NBA playoffs now ranks with the all-time greats, Larry Bird, Magic Johnson, MJ, Kobe, and the demi-god that was Bill Russell. That his Cavs lost in a 4-game sweep is no surprise. It was a mediocre team being carried on the wide shoulders of James (and matched against one of the greatest teams ever, the Warriors, and the Harry Potter of basketball, Steph Curry) and, in some strange way, his greatness is amplified by the contrast with the rest of his team. It was a great run.

May 24, 2018

What I’m listening to:

I’ve always liked Alicia Keys and admired her social activism, but I am hooked on her last album Here. This feels like an album finally commensurate with her anger, activism, hope, and grit. More R&B and Hip Hop than is typical for her, I think this album moves into an echelon inhabited by a Marvin Gaye’s What’s Going On or Beyonce’s Formation. Social activism and outrage rarely make great novels, but they often fuel great popular music. Here is a terrific example.

What I’m reading:

Colson Whitehead’s Underground Railroad may be close to a flawless novel. Winner of the 2017 Pulitzer, it chronicles the lives of two runaway slaves, Cora and Caeser, as they try to escape the hell of plantation life in Georgia.  It is an often searing novel and Cora is one of the great heroes of American literature. I would make this mandatory reading in every high school in America, especially in light of the absurd revisionist narratives of “happy and well cared for” slaves. This is a genuinely great novel, one of the best I’ve read, the magical realism and conflating of time periods lifts it to another realm of social commentary, relevance, and a blazing indictment of America’s Original Sin, for which we remain unabsolved.

What I’m watching:

I thought I knew about The Pentagon Papers, but The Post, a real-life political thriller from Steven Spielberg taught me a lot, features some of our greatest actors, and is so timely given the assault on our democratic institutions and with a presidency out of control. It is a reminder that a free and fearless press is a powerful part of our democracy, always among the first targets of despots everywhere. The story revolves around the legendary Post owner and D.C. doyenne, Katharine Graham. I had the opportunity to see her son, Don Graham, right after he saw the film, and he raved about Meryl Streep’s portrayal of his mother. Liked it a lot more than I expected.

April 27, 2018

What I’m listening to:

I mentioned John Prine in a recent post and then on the heels of that mention, he has released a new album, The Tree of Forgiveness, his first new album in ten years. Prine is beloved by other singer songwriters and often praised by the inscrutable God that is Bob Dylan.  Indeed, Prine was frequently said to be the “next Bob Dylan” in the early part of his career, though he instead carved out his own respectable career and voice, if never with the dizzying success of Dylan. The new album reflects a man in his 70s, a cancer survivor, who reflects on life and its end, but with the good humor and empathy that are hallmarks of Prine’s music. “When I Get To Heaven” is a rollicking, fun vision of what comes next and a pure delight. A charming, warm, and often terrific album.

What I’m reading:

I recently read Min Jin Lee’s Pachinko, on many people’s Top Ten lists for last year and for good reason. It is sprawling, multi-generational, and based in the world of Japanese occupied Korea and then in the Korean immigrant’s world of Oaska, so our key characters become “tweeners,” accepted in neither world. It’s often unspeakably sad, and yet there is resiliency and love. There is also intimacy, despite the time and geographic span of the novel. It’s breathtakingly good and like all good novels, transporting.

What I’m watching:

I adore Guillermo del Toro’s 2006 film, Pan’s Labyrinth, and while I’m not sure his Shape of Water is better, it is a worthy follow up to the earlier masterpiece (and more of a commercial success). Lots of critics dislike the film, but I’m okay with a simple retelling of a Beauty and the Beast love story, as predictable as it might be. The acting is terrific, it is visually stunning, and there are layers of pain as well as social and political commentary (the setting is the US during the Cold War) and, no real spoiler here, the real monsters are humans, the military officer who sees over the captured aquatic creature. It is hauntingly beautiful and its depiction of hatred to those who are different or “other” is painfully resonant with the time in which we live. Put this on your “must see” list.

March 18, 2018

What I’m listening to:

Sitting on a plane for hours (and many more to go; geez, Australia is far away) is a great opportunity to listen to new music and to revisit old favorites. This time, it is Lucy Dacus and her album Historians, the new sophomore release from a 22-year old indie artist that writes with relatable, real-life lyrics. Just on a second listen and while she insists this isn’t a break up record (as we know, 50% of all great songs are break up songs), it is full of loss and pain. Worth the listen so far. For the way back machine, it’s John Prine and In Spite of Ourselves (that title track is one of the great love songs of all time), a collection of duets with some of his “favorite girl singers” as he once described them. I have a crush on Iris Dement (for a really righteously angry song try her Wasteland of the Free), but there is also EmmyLou Harris, the incomparable Dolores Keane, and Lucinda Williams. Very different albums, both wonderful.

What I’m reading:

Jane Mayer’s New Yorker piece on Christopher Steele presents little that is new, but she pulls it together in a terrific and coherent whole that is illuminating and troubling at the same time. Not only for what is happening, but for the complicity of the far right in trying to discredit that which should be setting off alarm bells everywhere. Bob Mueller may be the most important defender of the democracy at this time. A must read.

What I’m watching:

Homeland is killing it this season and is prescient, hauntingly so. Russian election interference, a Bannon-style hate radio demagogue, alienated and gun toting militia types, and a president out of control. It’s fabulous, even if it feels awfully close to the evening news. 

March 8, 2018

What I’m listening to:

We have a family challenge to compile our Top 100 songs. It is painful. Only 100? No more than three songs by one artist? Wait, why is M.I.A.’s “Paper Planes” on my list? Should it just be The Clash from whom she samples? Can I admit to guilty pleasure songs? Hey, it’s my list and I can put anything I want on it. So I’m listening to the list while I work and the song playing right now is Tom Petty’s “The Wild One, Forever,” a B-side single that was never a hit and that remains my favorite Petty song. Also, “Evangeline” by Los Lobos. It evokes a night many years ago, with friends at Pearl Street in Northampton, MA, when everyone danced well past 1AM in a hot, sweaty, packed club and the band was a revelation. Maybe the best music night of our lives and a reminder that one’s 100 Favorite Songs list is as much about what you were doing and where you were in your life when those songs were playing as it is about the music. It’s not a list. It’s a soundtrack for this journey.

What I’m reading:

Patricia Lockwood’s Priestdaddy was in the NY Times top ten books of 2017 list and it is easy to see why. Lockwood brings remarkable and often surprising imagery, metaphor, and language to her prose memoir and it actually threw me off at first. It then all became clear when someone told me she is a poet. The book is laugh aloud funny, which masks (or makes safer anyway) some pretty dark territory. Anyone who grew up Catholic, whether lapsed or not, will resonate with her story. She can’t resist a bawdy anecdote and her family provides some of the most memorable characters possible, especially her father, her sister, and her mother, who I came to adore. Best thing I’ve read in ages.

What I’m watching:

The Florida Project, a profoundly good movie on so many levels. Start with the central character, six-year old (at the time of the filming) Brooklynn Prince, who owns – I mean really owns – the screen. This is pure acting genius and at that age? Astounding. Almost as astounding is Bria Vinaite, who plays her mother. She was discovered on Instagram and had never acted before this role, which she did with just three weeks of acting lessons. She is utterly convincing and the tension between the child’s absolute wonder and joy in the world with her mother’s struggle to provide, to be a mother, is heartwarming and heartbreaking all at once. Willem Dafoe rightly received an Oscar nomination for his supporting role. This is a terrific movie.

February 12, 2018

What I’m listening to:

So, I have a lot of friends of age (I know you’re thinking 40s, but I just turned 60) who are frozen in whatever era of music they enjoyed in college or maybe even in their thirties. There are lots of times when I reach back into the catalog, since music is one of those really powerful and transporting senses that can take you through time (smell is the other one, though often underappreciated for that power). Hell, I just bought a turntable and now spending time in vintage vinyl shops. But I’m trying to take a lesson from Pat, who revels in new music and can as easily talk about North African rap music and the latest National album as Meet the Beatles, her first ever album. So, I’ve been listening to Kendrick Lamar’s Grammy winning Damn. While it may not be the first thing I’ll reach for on a winter night in Maine, by the fire, I was taken with it. It’s layered, political, and weirdly sensitive and misogynist at the same time, and it feels fresh and authentic and smart at the same time, with music that often pulled me from what I was doing. In short, everything music should do. I’m not a bit cooler for listening to Damn, but when I followed it with Steely Dan, I felt like I was listening to Lawrence Welk. A good sign, I think.

What I’m reading:

I am reading Walter Isaacson’s new biography of Leonardo da Vinci. I’m not usually a reader of biographies, but I’ve always been taken with Leonardo. Isaacson does not disappoint (does he ever?), and his subject is at once more human and accessible and more awe-inspiring in Isaacson’s capable hands. Gay, left-handed, vegetarian, incapable of finishing things, a wonderful conversationalist, kind, and perhaps the most relentlessly curious human being who has ever lived. Like his biographies of Steve Jobs and Albert Einstein, Isaacson’s project here is to show that genius lives at the intersection of science and art, of rationality and creativity. Highly recommend it.

What I’m watching:

We watched the This Is Us post-Super Bowl episode, the one where Jack finally buys the farm. I really want to hate this show. It is melodramatic and manipulative, with characters that mostly never change or grow, and it hooks me every damn time we watch it. The episode last Sunday was a tear jerker, a double whammy intended to render into a blubbering, tissue-crumbling pathetic mess anyone who has lost a parent or who is a parent. Sterling K. Brown, Ron Cephas Jones, the surprising Mandy Moore, and Milo Ventimiglia are hard not to love and last season’s episode that had only Brown and Cephas going to Memphis was the show at its best (they are by far the two best actors). Last week was the show at its best worst. In other words, I want to hate it, but I love it. If you haven’t seen it, don’t binge watch it. You’ll need therapy and insulin.

January 15, 2018

What I’m listening to:

Drive-By Truckers. Chris Stapleton has me on an unusual (for me) country theme and I discovered these guys to my great delight. They’ve been around, with some 11 albums, but the newest one is fascinating. It’s a deep dive into Southern alienation and the white working-class world often associated with our current president. I admire the willingness to lay bare, in kick ass rock songs, the complexities and pain at work among people we too quickly place into overly simple categories. These guys are brave, bold, and thoughtful as hell, while producing songs I didn’t expect to like, but that I keep playing. And they are coming to NH.

What I’m reading:

A textual analog to Drive-By Truckers by Chris Stapleton in many ways is Tony Horowitz’s 1998 Pulitzer Prize winning Confederates in the Attic. Ostensibly about the Civil War and the South’s ongoing attachment to it, it is prescient and speaks eloquently to the times in which we live (where every southern state but Virginia voted for President Trump). Often hilarious, it too surfaces complexities and nuance that escape a more recent, and widely acclaimed, book like Hillbilly Elegy. As a Civil War fan, it was also astonishing in many instances, especially when it blows apart long-held “truths” about the war, such as the degree to which Sherman burned down the south (he did not). Like D-B Truckers, Horowitz loves the South and the people he encounters, even as he grapples with its myths of victimhood and exceptionalism (and racism, which may be no more than the racism in the north, but of a different kind). Everyone should read this book and I’m embarrassed I’m so late to it.

What I’m watching:

David Letterman has a new Netflix show called “My Next Guest Needs No Introduction” and we watched the first episode, in which Letterman interviewed Barack Obama. It was extraordinary (if you don’t have Netflix, get it just to watch this show); not only because we were reminded of Obama’s smarts, grace, and humanity (and humor), but because we saw a side of Letterman we didn’t know existed. His personal reflections on Selma were raw and powerful, almost painful. He will do five more episodes with “extraordinary individuals” and if they are anything like the first, this might be the very best work of his career and one of the best things on television.

December 22, 2017

What I’m reading:

Just finished Sunjeev Sahota’s Year of the Runaways, a painful inside look at the plight of illegal Indian immigrant workers in Britain. It was shortlisted for 2015 Man Booker Prize and its transporting, often to a dark and painful universe, and it is impossible not to think about the American version of this story and the terrible way we treat the undocumented in our own country, especially now.

What I’m watching:

Season II of The Crown is even better than Season I. Elizabeth’s character is becoming more three-dimensional, the modern world is catching up with tradition-bound Britain, and Cold War politics offer more context and tension than we saw in Season I. Claire Foy, in her last season, is just terrific – one arched eye brow can send a message.

What I’m listening to:

A lot of Christmas music, but needing a break from the schmaltz, I’ve discovered Over the Rhine and their Christmas album, Snow Angels. God, these guys are good.

  November 14, 2017

What I’m watching:

Guiltily, I watch the Patriots play every weekend, often building my schedule and plans around seeing the game. Why the guilt? I don’t know how morally defensible is football anymore, as we now know the severe damage it does to the players. We can’t pretend it’s all okay anymore. Is this our version of late decadent Rome, watching mostly young Black men take a terrible toll on each other for our mere entertainment?

What I’m reading:

Recently finished J.G. Ballard’s 2000 novel Super-Cannes, a powerful depiction of a corporate-tech ex-pat community taken over by a kind of psychopathology, in which all social norms and responsibilities are surrendered to residents of the new world community. Kept thinking about Silicon Valley when reading it. Pretty dark, dystopian view of the modern world and centered around a mass killing, troublingly prescient.

What I’m listening to:

Was never really a Lorde fan, only knowing her catchy (and smarter than you might first guess) pop hit “Royals” from her debut album. But her new album, Melodrama, is terrific and it doesn’t feel quite right to call this “pop.” There is something way more substantial going on with Lorde and I can see why many critics put this album at the top of their Best in 2017 list. Count me in as a huge fan.

  November 3, 2017

What I’m reading: Just finished Celeste Ng’s Little Fires Everywhere, her breathtakingly good second novel. How is someone so young so wise? Her writing is near perfection and I read the book in two days, setting my alarm for 4:30AM so I could finish it before work.

What I’m watching: We just binge watched season two of Stranger Things and it was worth it just to watch Millie Bobbie Brown, the transcendent young actor who plays Eleven. The series is a delightful mash up of every great eighties horror genre you can imagine and while pretty dark, an absolute joy to watch.

What I’m listening to: I’m not a lover of country music (to say the least), but I love Chris Stapleton. His “The Last Thing I Needed, First Thing This Morning” is heartbreakingly good and reminds me of the old school country that played in my house as a kid. He has a new album and I can’t wait, but his From A Room: Volume 1 is on repeat for now.

  September 26, 2017

What I’m reading:

Just finished George Saunder’s Lincoln in the Bardo. It took me a while to accept its cadence and sheer weirdness, but loved it in the end. A painful meditation on loss and grief, and a genuinely beautiful exploration of the intersection of life and death, the difficulty of letting go of what was, good and bad, and what never came to be.

What I’m watching:

HBO’s The Deuce. Times Square and the beginning of the porn industry in the 1970s, the setting made me wonder if this was really something I’d want to see. But David Simon is the writer and I’d read a menu if he wrote it. It does not disappoint so far and there is nothing prurient about it.

What I’m listening to:

The National’s new album Sleep Well Beast. I love this band. The opening piano notes of the first song, “Nobody Else Will Be There,” seize me & I’m reminded that no one else in music today matches their arrangement & musicianship. I’m adding “Born to Beg,” “Slow Show,” “I Need My Girl,” and “Runaway” to my list of favorite love songs.

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