#its about the fall from grace

[corsairspade]

you are a god's best friend. the world is young still, and you are yet younger. he rides with you and hunts with you, and teaches you how to speak to birds and beasts. you are a god's student. you ride in his train and care for a hound that he gifted to you. gods have taught others before. gods have been kindly to others before. your god is your best friend. he gifts you something of his self, a hound of his own hunt.

you are your father's son. your grandfather is dead. no one has ever called you wise, and you are, above all else, your father's son. he swears a terrible oath. you swear a terrible oath. you don't know if you really mean it, but your mother named you well- you are hasty to rise, hasty to run into things. the hunt teaches you patience but you cannot outrun yourself. you are your father's son.

you are a god's best friend and you have sworn a terrible oath, but it is an oath that you hope that your friend can understand. to hunt the murderer of your grandfather, is something that the god of the hunt can understand.

you are your father's son. the blood of elves on your hands does not feel different than the blood of a deer, except in the tight feeling of your throat. except in the thunderous beating of your heart. you tell your brother, who is trying not to throw up, that you need to think of them like deer. he looks at you like he's never seen you before. you are forever doomed.

you are a god's best friend. he does not say goodbye, but your dog comes with you. surely you can fix this, then, surely you are still a god's friend.

you are your father's son. he dies. he dies but before he does, he tells you to burn the boats. you do. you are your father's son. your father dies and, he tells you to swear that oath once more. it is a terrible oath. you have sworn it once. you swore to your best friend once. surely it will not tip the scales to swear once more, if in your mind, you dedicate this hunt to him.

you were a god's best friend, and it is not enough. you are your father's son, and you speak your father's oath. it proceeds to eat you alive.

[pumpkinrootbeer]

All of Revenge of the Sith, summarized:

Obi-Wan: I love and trust you, Anakin.

Anakin: No <3

Mace: Obi-Wan trusts you, Anakin.

Anakin: Opinion discared because Ive classified you as against me. Please forward my previous email to Yoda and get back to me about that council seat at your earliest possible convenience.

Yoda: mmm be a master, you will never be mmmm. melt steal beams, jet fuel cannot. mmmm. ignore that second thing I said, obi-wan cares very deeply abt you and are you still available tuesday at 6 for your next therapy session?

Anakin: Read✓ at 19:01

Padme: Obi-Wan loves and trusts you, Anakin. Just like I do.

Anakin: Not very gamer of you to not inherently validate my internal belief system :/

Palpatine: Obi-Wan hates ur loser ass lol. not like me tho I'm cool and always validate your internal beliefs (normal)

Anakin: I always knew he hated me, you're the only one willing to tell me the truth. thank God I never have to reevaluate my beliefs with you and don't have take any uncomfortable looks at my wants and desires. phew almost had to do some personal growth and acknowledge some things about myself thank God i avoided that

[greensaplinggrace]

willow's corruption arc is one of my favorites like the way she fumbles her relationship with tara and gives in to her worst character traits and allows her ego to cloud her judgement is some of the most honest writing i've ever seen for character development like that

[windor-truffle]

ehehe my keychains arrived~ just as cute as promised

I am very normal about him:

[solomons-poison]

I know we don't explicitly see it in the manga but given how much of Geto's design seems to point at Buddhism, along with Geto's cool, collected, understanding personality, I feel like he'd often smell like incense.

Depending on the day, what he's wishing for or wants to hope for others, the scent changes. Most often, it's common sandalwood that he uses during prayers and meditation. But sometimes it's jasmine to balance emotions and inspire creativity, other times it's a citrus scent to boost energy, or maybe lotus to elevate mood, spirituality, and inner peace.

It has all long since seeped into his clothes, leaving a pleasant, peaceful smokiness to him that always manages to relax those around him. Although he may not be a strictly practicing Buddhist, burning incense has become a habit for him and grounds him when he returns home from fighting curses.

For a while after he defects, he abandons his incense. It's too linked to his old life, his past and what he has given up in order to achieve his new goals. When he dons the gojo-gesa and enters a temple to create a base for him and his followers, it's the first time in years he willingly burns incense. But by now, it no longer gives him the comfort or peace it did before.

He hates the smell.

[faggotmox]

what if yuta does take out cope for mox? what if yuta gets promoted while claudio & marina are demoted for their failures? what if claudio can never get his standing back with mox? what if yuta inherited the crown? what THEN

[thursdayg1rl]

drake is not beating the washed allegations omg..

[radioconstructed]

// Slow burn radioapple where Al keeps being a menace because that's the best way she knows how to cope with being in crisis, her local Lucifer pushes back bc he shouldn't have to deal with this shit, they keep getting into beef,,, if he's not aware already, he becomes aware that she doesn't get this triggered by anyone else and wonders what the fuck her problem is with him,,

maybe he'll ask her. maybe she'll tell him half. she won't tell him the other half.

maybe he'll figure it out.

[wraithsoutlaws]

been thinking about the neglected section of dagger's lore after he leaves the bakkers as a teen and winds up in a smuggler outfit and aaaa for so long i couldn't grasp details of it all but now its flooding in and its coming together :ratscream:

[fru1t]

.

[the-acid-pear]

Two things I've been thinking about DR since yesterday when I replayed to do snowgrave,,,,, one is that I'm really starting to feel a future where we can play as Susie is being teased considering we had a playing sequence w her and that she's the most independent of em. And Two is that I'm sooooo convinced that Noelle will be a secret boss eventually 🫣 I just know it man.

[fruitsofhell]

I think my greatest sin ever maybe is genuinely loving mid Disney movies and characters

[ashton-ryder]

// open. int. atrium - morning. 8th april. @ruthellry adjacent

Ashton was usually one of the early risers for breakfast and had already avoided the crowd peaking an hour later and he and Ruth had decided to take their tea up to the roof, quoting her wanting to visit the chicks again and just talk rubbish about their lives and happenings as they used to do at least once a week. He forgot how much it pulls him out of his head to have these again with Ruth, even if just a moment. And lo and behold a moment was too quick, from the rooftop open air they could hear a wide range of noises escalating - a loud grotesque oof thud, a scream, familiar shouts, more screams, gun shots-- the two of them shared a gaze and immediately sprinted down to the source of the chaos. A quick stop by their places, Ruth picking up emergency supplies and Ashton grabbing his handgun and combat knife, he refused to relive the helplessness with Courtney's death all over again.

By the time they made it down the threats had seemingly been quelled but it was still chaos, panic, sobs, blood- everywhere. "Where's.." Ash murmurs as his eyes widened, a panicked second that overwhelmed and consumed him eyes darting across the entire scene trying to figure out who needed help, what happened, were there still threats, where were the people he was instinctive wanting to reach out for. Where was Jeremiah? His own panic rising not finding his face at all amongst the blurred chaos. Ashton pulled himself back together hearing Ruth get to work, following to whatever she needed, nodding to her, people needed help. He had to do what he could right now. Tucking his gun behind his pants waistband, He grabbed a spare medical kit from Ruth before reaching out to the next person, eyes still darting around to access the situation and search for his people, "you okay? what happened, who's hurt? Who needs help?"

[fairy-angel222]

𝐖𝐀𝐍𝐍𝐀 𝐅𝐄𝐄𝐋 𝐘𝐎𝐔 𝐑𝐀𝐖 𐙚˙⋆.˚ ᡣ𐭩

—telling the jjk men to forget about the condom.

ft. 𝗀𝗈𝗃𝗈, 𝗀𝖾𝗍𝗈, 𝗍𝗈𝗃𝗂, 𝗇𝖺𝗇𝖺𝗆𝗂, 𝗌ukun𝖺, 𝖼𝗁𝗈𝗌𝗈

content. smut, choking, praise, breeding, spit, unprotected sex, dirty talk, squirting, finger sucking, passing out, belly bulge, slight cervix fucking

requested by: anon

͙͘͡★ 𝑮𝑶𝑱𝑶

Grins when you moan out the words. Feeling his teeth against your skin as he kissed up your neck, stopping just below your ear with a breathy chuckle.

"Yeah? Wan' feel my veins sliding against those walls when i fuck you baby?" He cooed, watching as you nodded with a whimper, tugging at the rubber material stretched over his cock.

"P-please, wan’ it so bad." you choked out a mewl, greedy cunt aching to feel him deep inside you.

He hummed, slender finger pushing back the hair on your forehead, his head tilting as he ran it across your bottom lip instead. “What do you wanna feel, hmm? Tell me how you want it.”

"Raw.. wanna feel you raw." Your face burned as Gojo continued to rub his cock teasingly between sopping folds. “My pleasure baby.”

Your boyfriend tugged off the only form of barrier between you two. Your lips parted in a loud moan when Gojo thrusted into you. Back arching off of the bed as he found a pace, rocking you back and forth each time his cock prodded your gummy spot.

“Satoruu, so good— haah. Can feel all of you. So, so deep— fuck.” You cried out, arms reaching up to scratch at his back as your legs wrapped around his waist. The man slamming his hips down roughly onto your pelvis.

He was right. You could feel every inch of his cock rubbing against your gummy walls. His full length taking its time to kiss your spot before bottoming deep, your head falling back with a series of loud mewls.

“Satoru.”

“You like feelin’ me like this baby?” He rasped, breathing getting heavier when you clenched down on him. “Fuck- can feel all of you too. Slutty pussy’s squeezing me so tight.”

It was so much more intimate than usual, being able to feel all of each other was sending you over the edge. Your noises only became louder and as you neared your high. Eyes rolling back and brain turning to mush with every roll of his hips. A high pitched mewl falling past your lips when he reached down to rub your sensitive clit.

“Should just pump ya full of my cum while we’re at it. Fill you real good.” He grunted, thrusts hard and bruising as he bullied your pussy stuffed. An incoherent babble falling past your lips when his lips brushed over yours. Blue eyes darkening as he grinned, “Gonna do just that baby. You want that? Want my cum leaking out of your perfect pussy?”

You nodded with a shaky whimper, body trembling as you dumbly cried out his name, squirting messily onto him and his cock. Gojo letting out a deep groan as his thrusts became sloppy, hammering even deeper into you until he stilled with tensed abs. Pumping your stomach round and full with his cum.

“There we go, fuck. Take it nice and s-shit— deep. Good girl.” Pressing a kiss to your lips and pulling out of you, letting his cum seep out of you in thick spurts as you shivered from the loss of contact. He’d been waiting for that for way too long.

͙͘͡★ 𝑮𝑬𝑻𝑶

Raises an eyebrow when you stop him from sliding on the condom. A smirk eventually gracing his face making your cheeks heat up. “Oh? My girl wants to get dirty tonight hmm?”

You let out a small whine, your hands over your face pulling out a hum from your boyfriend. You sure about this baby?”

“Mhm.. wanna feel you raw.”

“Whatever you want princess.” He wasted no time before he was behind you. A deep arch in your back with your ass in the air and face buried in a pillow. Your grip tight on the sheets as Geto’s thick veiny cock pushed into you.

You let out a mewl, his length grazing your walls while pressing into your g spot.

“Fuck. Didn’t think this pussy could get any better.” He groaned, a hand on the back of your neck with the other on your hip. A loud cry escaping your throat when he began fucking into you relentlessly.

“Suguru, oh f-fuckk. Nngh— so good.” you moaned, eyes teary as he continuously slammed into you, rocking your body with each of his mean thrusts.

You could feel him so deep inside you, practically kissing at your cervix every time his hips landed onto your ass. There was so much more contact, being able to feel every inch of his curved length as it pummeled your gummy spot. Your cries of his name muffled as you drooled onto the sheets beneath you.

“You feel that princess?” He grunted, lifting one of his legs so that he could roll his hips into you. A loud moan leaving your mouth as you nodded, clearly able to feel any change in his movements. “Feel good ain’t it?” Keeping up his pace until you were falling apart under him.

Brain turning to mush as your eyes rolled back, Geto pressing down harder into the back of your neck to support his high thrusts. Almost bouncing himself off of the flesh of your ads just so you could feel his deep.

“S-suguru. So good Suguru. So— haah,” you could barely process your own words. Mind filled with nothing but how good he felt inside you. Stretching your cunt so good as you clenched around him, wetness trailing his cock with your slick.

“Pretty pussy’s so greedy f’ me. Look at how much she’s sucking me in.” He rasped, breathing speeding up as he let out a series of groans and grunts. “Fuck, gonna cum for me baby? Cum for me nice and hard while i fill you up?”

You nodded shakily, body trembling as a choked scream echoed through the room. “F-fuck.” Letting out cries of his name as you fell off the edge. Making a mess on his cock while his thrusts became sloppy.

“Shit, can i cum in you princess?” He breathed, your dumbed down hum of confirmation being enough for him as he stilled. Coating your insides with ropes after ropes of his sticky cum.

͙͘͡★ 𝑻𝑶𝑱𝑰

Is elated when you utter the words. Immediately stopping whatever he was doing and practically carrying you to your bedroom. “Fucking finally. I hate the feeling of that shit on my dick.” He smirked, towering over you until you fell back onto the bed.

The large man on top of you with a groan as he buried his face into your neck. “Gonna break that little pussy tonight. You’re on the pill right baby?”

“Yes.” You whimpered, Toji’s hand snaking around your throat with a hum, “Good.”

It wasn’t long before you were naked, your knees pressed into your chest as your loud moans and mewls filled the room. Toji’s broad hips slamming roughly into yours as he fucked you deep.

Thick girth hitting your g spot with each speedy thrust. You let out a whiny cry, your lips parted in short mewls that matched his harsh movements. Body being rocked into the bed at an inhuman pace as your sopping pussy was bullied.

“T-tojii— nngh, so g-ood.” You whimpered, Toji’s grip on your neck tightening as he leaned further onto you. “Yeah? Feel me deep in ya?” Grinning darkly when you nodded, “Let’s see how much deeper i can go hmm?” You let out a tiny sob when he forced his cock even deeper, stretching you open to take all of him as he bottom out.

You couldn’t help your loud noises as you felt every part of your boyfriend’s dick inside you. Feeling every vein and every curve rubbing against your slippery walls as his hips rammed forward.

“Needed to feel this bare pussy f’ so long now, fuck.” He grunted deeply, “She’s so fucking greedy.”

You mewled shakily, “O-oh fuck- Toji, ‘m close. Can feel you so deep.” Your boyfriend keeping up his pace with a groan. “Open f’ me baby.” Letting a glob of his spit fall onto your tongue, a twitch running through his cock when you swallowed tearily.

He was fucking you stupid, brain fuzzy and your vision blurred as you were brought closer and closer to orgasm. Chest heaving heavily when your eyes met Toji’s. “Look so fucking pretty under me.” Your pussy spasming at the gruff undertone of his voice.

You let out a string of cries of his name, your eyes rolling back as your legs quivered. Toji’s hand threatening to tighten as he growled lowly. “Look at me when you cum baby.”

Your eyes met his, the man’s thrusts sending pleasurable shivers through your body as you reached your high. Trying your hardest to keep your eyes open as you came. A slap on your clit forcing them back on his as you made a mess.

“That’s it. My messy fucking girl. ‘M gon’ fill you up so good.” He breathed, sloppy movements coming to a halt as he buried himself deep inside you. Pumping you full with his hot cum while pressing his lips to yours. It was about time you let him do that.

͙͘͡★ 𝑵𝑨𝑵𝑨𝑴𝑰

He was pleasantly surprised to hear you utter the words, chin still glistening with your juices as he pulled away from your wet pussy. “You sure you don’t want me to use one sweetheart?”

“Nuh uh, wanna feel you raw.” You assure, tugging the man closer to you to sit him down. Nanami pulling you onto his lap with a small smile when you whimpered, your sensitive clit accidentally bumping into his thigh.

“Whatever you want sweetheart.” Pressing his lips onto yours for a kiss, allowing you to taste your sweetness as he ran his cock between your folds, collecting your wetness before lining himself up.

You moaned when the large hands on your hips guided you to sink down. His thick cock stuffing you full as you struggled to take all of him, already feeling him deep inside you.

You could feel all of him, pale colored cock grazing your walls perfectly as he reached further and further into you. The outline of his tip visible on your belly when the underside of your thighs touched his lap.

Nanami groaned, hands on your hips helping you to move up and down while you rolled your hips back and forth. Loud mewls falling past your lips as your arms draped over his shoulders, nails digging into his muscular back when he sped up the pace.

“Kento— so good. So deep.” You cried, tears pricking the corners of your eyes as your g spot was pressed into over and over again. The feeling of him kissing your walls so sweetly making your mind grow foggy.

“Look you beautiful when you ride me. Feels so amazing, sweet pussy was made to take my cock like this.” He grunted, watching as your head fell back with a high pitched moan, feeling another orgasm swirling in you.

Nanami’s breaths sped, guiding you to move even faster on his length as his name fell off your tongue. “Kentoo— ‘m so close. Want you to cum in me.”

Nanami groaned, mouth latching onto one of your breasts as you clenched down on him, your hands finding their way to tangle in blonde strands as your back arched.

“Kento, oh f-fuck.” Your toes curled as your eyes closed. Body trembling lightly when you messily gushed onto his thighs. The man feeling his cock twitch as he used your cunt to milk him dry. Allowing his cum to paint your insides a sticky white.

His hands never stopped moving you, whiny mewls leaving your lips at the slight overstimulation as he kissed up your neck. “Don’t know how i’ll ever be able to go back sweetheart. All i wanna feel is your bare pussy like this.” He breathed, letting his hips do all the work in fucking you to yet another orgasm.

͙͘͡★ 𝑺𝑼𝑲𝑼𝑵𝑨

Sukuna would never tell you, but he sometimes never used condoms anyway. He only made you think that he did. He just needed to feel you. So he’d fuck you till you passed out, giving you no chance of finding out.

When you tell him you finally want to not use one he grins with a head tilt, fingers under your chin as he backed you up onto a wall. “Hmm? Why’s that?” Eyeing you hungrily making you whimper under his gaze.

“Just.. wanna feel you raw.”

Your boyfriend licked his lips with a hum, “I can definitely make that happen.” Not giving you a chance to so much as blink before his arms were hooked under your thighs, lifting you up against the wall with a deep inhale. “Wet f’ me already huh? I love that.”

He didn’t bother taking off your underwear, ripping your panties right down the middle while your legs secured their place around his hips.

You moaned loudly when he stuffed his full length into you. Able to feel every part and every inch of his cock against your walls when he began fucking up into you. Slamming his hips up at a toe curling speed that had your back arching against the wall.

“K-unaa,” you mewled, your boyfriend’s cock forcing its way in all the way. Leaving a painful stretch as his tip threatened to push past your cervix.

You let out a string of cries, arms holding onto him tight as you were moved up and down at an inhuman pace. “Fucking pussy’s so perfect.” He groaned, his movements remaining unaltered as he brought a finger to run across your swollen bottom lip. Shoving it into your mouth to sit at the back of your tongue. “Taking me so well.”

You moaned, eyes clouding with tears as your spot was relentlessly slammed into. Turning you to putty in his hands while your brain went dumb. “Kunaa— feels- nngh.. feels s’ g-good.”

“Yeah? Like when i turn you into my little brain dead doll?” He grunted, watching as you nodded with a whiny cry. “Mhm, can feel you so deep.” His single hand on your hips allowing him to fuck you to his liking.

You could feel yourself getting closer and closer, your legs beginning to tremble as your noises got louder. Eyes rolling back with an incoherent babble of his name, letting out a short scream when his spit coating finger reached down to rub at your clit. Circling the small bud with a wide smirk.

“Gonna make mess f’ me yeah? Let that pussy spray me like it always does?”

His words went unprocessed in your head, feeling yourself slowly slip in and out of consciousness as you were moved up and down his thick cock like a ragdoll. His cock leaving a visible bulge in your stomach as he neared his own orgasm.

You came with a choked sob, head resting against the wall with an opened mouth. Body quivering uncontrollably in your boyfriend’s arms as you squirted harshly. Coating his cock and legs in your wetness.

Sharp teeth bit at your neck as Sukuna’s thrusts became sloppier. Finally coming to a stop so he could pump you to the brim with his cum. Something that he’d wanted to do for a very long time. “It’s about time i got to fill you up like this.” He breathed, glancing up to see you yet again passed out.

Sukuna chuckled. His size and his speed put together was just too much for you.

͙͘͡★ 𝑪𝑯𝑶𝑺𝑶

His dick hardened the second you said it. Pouncing on you with widened eyes, “Really?”

You giggled, The boy looking at you with pure need in his puppy like eyes. Hoping that you were being serious about it.

“Yes baby, really.” You smiled, feeling your boyfriend’s erect cock pressing into you. “You sure?” He mumbled, “I won’t be able to pull out.” You pressed a short kiss to his lips, “I don’t want you to pull out, wanna feel you raw.”

That was all he needed to hear. Handling you on your knees with your back pressed against his chest. His hips rutting roughly into you as he basked in the feeling of your warm cunt around his bare cock.

“So good.” He moaned, “You’re so snug.” Hands on your waist as your head fell back against his shoulder, giving the boy the perfect view of your lewdly bouncing breasts.

You mewled, Choso’s cock rolling into your g spot at a pace that drove you insane. Your moans competing to be just as loud as his as you too got lost in the feeling of his bare cock. You could feel both his distinct veins grazing your walls when his pace sped up.

“Nngh— feels so perfect. Wanna fuck you like this forever.” He whimpered, burying his face into your neck as his legs weakened. Finding yourself lying on the bed with Choso hovering over you from behind, slamming his hips down onto you sloppily. Loud squelching joining skin slapping in the air.

“C-choso. Haah, so good baby.” You cried, back arching as he shoved himself even deeper at the praise. Chasing his high while bringing you to yours.

He let out a string of whiny cries, the snapping of his hips losing their rhythm as his cock twitched. Not allowing himself to cum until you did.

It was just so hard, you felt so good. Gripping his cock tightly every time you clenched down on him. The boy unable to help the way he fucked into you with desperation.

You and Choso let out matching mewls, your hands gripping the sheets as your spot was hammered at a merciless pace. Your moans turning into choked sobs as your body shook along with the bed. Toes curling and eyes rolling back as you neared your orgasm.

“Choso— nngh, cummin’ baby.”

“Please, cum f’ me. Need you to cum so i can too.” he breathed with a tremble, voice going up a pitch when you began squirting. Drenching his cock in your juices as your pussy spasmed.

Choso moaned in content, hips eventually halting their movement as he buried himself in you. Spurting all of the thick substance into you with a sigh. He kept himself in that position, his cock preventing any of his cum from escaping as he began to roll his hips once more. Addicted to how amazing your pussy felt.

[voyaging-too]

The most interesting and most important thing about Lord of the Rings is that Frodo fails the quest. He fails the quest, he can’t destroy the ring, he claims the ring for himself, only for it to be taken and accidentally destroyed by Gollum. There are so many ways to interpret that moment!

You can say: evil always defeats itself. The ring destroyed Smeagol, and Gollum destroyed the ring.

You can say: it’s divine providence. Fallible mortals cannot attain grace by their own power. No matter how they try, they will fail unless providence lifts them up. But providence will lift them up. Very Romans 9:16. It depends not upon man’s will or exertion, but upon God’s mercy.

You can say: actions have unpredictable consequences, and here, a series of unrewarded acts of compassion finally gained their reward. There is such a thing as fate, and it is, in its own way, fair. Multiple characters had the chance to kill Gollum, and a good reason to do it too, since he tried to kill them first, and was still a threat. But Bilbo chose to spare him, Frodo chose to spare him, (during the Council of Elrond it’s briefly mentioned that Aragorn and Gandalf and a serious number of elves chose to spare him), and a few minutes before he attacked Frodo, Sam very reluctantly chose to spare him for a final time. If any of them had chosen to kill Gollum, even in reasonable self-defence, he could not have played his part in destroying the ring. But in the decisive moment, the world showed compassion to Frodo as a reflection of the compassion he had shown.

You can say what LeGuin said: Frodo and Gollum are essentially two halves of the same person. Of course the hero can only complete his goal after a violent struggle with himself, only it’s the good half of him that fails, and the evil half that in the end achieves the quest.

You can say: the last time Frodo and Gollum met, Frodo forbade him from ever laying a hand on him, and cursed him to fall into the flames if he tries. The power of the ring, or the power of Frodo wearing the ring, actually caused this to come true. (See this post about Frodo laying a geas.)

What I myself feel and say is this: Gollum thought he was attacking Frodo and taking the ring for himself. What he was actually doing is saving Frodo and saving the world. He saved Frodo from the Ring, from Sauron, from the failure of his quest, from something far worse than mere death. And he’s the only one who could do it: Sam had carried Frodo, he had fought Shelob for Frodo and would gladly die for Frodo, but he could never have hurt him, or taken the ring by force. Gollum could, but only because he didn’t know why he was doing it. He was a sleeper agent of Good. He thought he was attacking Frodo and grabbing the ring for himself, when in fact he was giving his own life, to save his Master whom he loved.

[cryptotheism]

I had to move a few months ago. I had a gym membership with LA fitness. I've had a gym membership with them before, cancelling was a humiliating process. Call the gym, receive orders to speak to a representative in person. Receive some pre-planned speech about how they have special offers this month. Drive to the gym, ask to cancel, receive an arcane set of instructions for cancelling. I must return home, log in to my computer, I must wait for the full moon and find the lake beneath it. I must row until I cannot see the shore, where I must light a candle and whisper secrets to the flame as if it were my lover. Then, I must fall fast asleep. Only then will a representative from LA fitness call me back to ask if I really really really want to cancel my membership. I must not be swayed by offers of jewels, or women, or effeminate men, or discounts on the personal training program. I must cancel.

Not this time.

By twist of fate, It was time to replace my credit card anyway. So I cancelled nothing. Their disgusting little dog of a computer system slammed its pleas into a retired credit card number over and over, barking it's lungs raw that a single twinkish customer might not pay them 30$ a month anymore. The calls began.

Hi! --My phone shows me a transcript of an unanswered voicemail-- It's Jeremy from LA fitness! Just calling to say that theres a problem with your credit card! Call us back and we can straighten this all out.

I cannot help but smile. There is no LA fitness near me now. I will not patronize them ever again.

Hey it's Ignacio calling from LA Fitness. Just calling to say there's a problem with your credit card. If too much time passes without payment, you could invite additional fees but I can help you with that.

Claw your fingernails to bleeding stumps at my door. You will hear nothing from me.

The Esporta Fitness department called me. Yes, you worms, that's the problem. I don't speak Spanish. I hope the poor sap who called me got paid for every second spent composing this voicemail. Burn another dollar on her altar such that she might commune with me. She will receive everything, and I will give you nothing.

Call me again you mewling beasts, leave another voicemail. Writhe untouched by the grace of my credit card information. You deserve nothing but my silence.