#its a lot less painful than it was yesterday though. i took ibuprofen it was so painful. which is wild for me | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

coastaldragon · 4 years ago

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Dragon Diary 1/7/21

So...this is my resolution for the year.

I wanted to start a kin-related diary. I found myself missing how often I used to muse about myself and my experiences here, and have long since felt...detached from myself. Stuck in the loop of going through the motions of “human.”

A week late on my first entry, but so it goes.

These entries will just be flow-of-consciousness blabbles for the most part. I’ll talk about any kin-related thoughts I’ve had that day, how I’ve been feeling, how my otherkinity has affected my day, etc.

I have a lot of catching-up to do with you all, so the first few entries may seem disjointed and a little long. Lets get started. This is long. And a bit negative. But hopefully they won’t all be.

cw for death and drug mention and health talk like needles and stuff

I don’t quite remember why I dropped Tumblr like I did. I think I was getting annoyed at all the UI changes, and just overall very busy with “real life.” These things happen. I slowly drift away from a platform. Sometimes for weeks, months, or years in this case. Then I’ll drift back. Kind of like a scrap of wood on the waves.

In the time I’ve been gone life has been...interesting. The source of the stress that caused me to awaken in the first place is gone. He OD’d in...2014? 2015? Some time around there. My grasp of time is worse than ever.

We hadn’t even known he’d be using anything. Turned out he was stealing my late father’s remaining fentanyl supply. One of those guys who preys on widows like my mother. He lied about everything. His entire past as we knew it was a lie. And he was just leeching off of us.

It was...hard. I was the one who found his body upon getting home from work. My mother is still traumatized, even now. Even after all he did. She did love him.

I think all that hardened me quite a bit. And I’m sad for it. I’m still trying to soften myself again, but my trust has never been shattered like that before or since.

My now health is...poor. I had a great job working at an independent pack-and-mail sort of place for a few years. Very laid back, when the customers were nice. Helped me build a lot of strength and muscle. Quite enjoyed showing off by hefting 50lb boxes onto my shoulders. Helped me feel less weak in this squishy human body of mine.

But about...2 or 3 years ago [again, time is a myth to my brain] I woke up and my shoulders were just.

Locked.

It felt like someone had stuck paint spanners under my shoulder blades or something. Not only that, but I was weak. I barely had the strength in my arms to lift a half gallon of milk in the morning.

We thought I’d just hurt myself showing off, somehow. So we gave it some time. Took ibuprofen, used pain creams. Took a few days off work.

But it didn’t get better. It got painful. And the moreso. And moreso. And then my back began to have trouble as well. It was spreading. I felt...ill.

So. Doctors. Tests. More bloodwork than I’ve ever had in my entire life. [10 vials at once for one appt!]

My primary, who is a garbage person I never wish to see again, insisted it was just a sprain. Or something. Whatever. But I knew it wasn’t. My mother knew it wasn’t. Everyone I knew knew it wasn’t.

Specialist time! At the behest of my cousin, who has a litany of autoimmune disorders, we hooked up with a rheumatologist. Who I will call Dr.M.

Dr.M is an angel on Earth. I am convinced of it. A full year he spent with me, ordering tests, trying treatments, working with me to figure out what the hell was going on. And we did. And what a mouthful it is.

Ankylosing spondylitis. No, it’s not a dinosaur. [Though I do think I’m ‘hearted for ankylosaurines...I don’t think it’s related lol!]

You can look it up if you like. But basically: My immune system is fucking crazy and attacks all the things. Most places describe it as being a lower spine disorder, and while that is certainly where its centralized in most folks, that’s not all it is.

For example mine is, obviously, centralized in my shoulders and upper back. But it does aaaaaaaaaaall sorts of crazy shit. Every day is different. Joint pain, exhaustion, GI trouble, stomach upset, lack of appetite, murderous migraines. The usual for an autoimmune illness. But also wacky shit like costochondritis [painful inflammation of the cartilage of the ribs], random organ inflammation like in my kidneys [not fun], lungs [I had a 3-month stint of chronic bronchitis last winter], and even my heart [very not fun.] Sometimes it likes to attack my “integumentary system” aka shit like my skin and hair meaning I’ll have weeks where my hair just. Sheds. Like a damn cat. It gets everywhere and w/ my long-ass quarantine hair it’s so annoying.

This attack dog immune system does mean it’s unlikely for me to catch little bugs like your common colds and stuff, which is appreciated. But it also likes to maul anything else it deems foreign. Like medication! I took Humira shots for a few months and had a “paradoxical reaction” aka it did the literal opposite of what it was meant to, because the injections pissed off my immune system so much it went scorched-earth on whatever it could. Mostly my thighs, since that’s where the injections were. I still get stabbing pain in them and it’s been over a year. [No, I don’t think I can sue Humira over this. Though I have discussed it w/ my Dr.]

This also means that if I do get sick, it’s bad news. Something strong and unique like COVID? Death. Deaaaaaaaaath. Would likely trigger something called a “cytokine storm” aka my immune system nukes everything and my organs die and so do I.

So guess whoooooooo’s been locked up at home for almost a full year now? :’)

I luckily am able to work from home, though it barely pays the bills, and my health has suffered from a lack of being able to Do Stuff I normally would.

As a result I decided to get back in touch with myself.

It started with Second Life, because of course it did. A new dragon avatar came out. Shiny and mesh and easy [by SL standards] to modify. So me and a few friends [some kin, some not] made a group for sharing stuff for the av and just hanging out. It’s fallen by the wayside unfortunately but those nights spent chilling in SL with a bunch of other dragons roaring and goofing off felt really really good.

And then I made a kin Twitter. [And found some exceptionally cool kinfolk in the process.]

Then came Othercon the virtual otherkin convention and OtherConnect, the Discord spawned from the community that rapidly formed within the con. Othercon felt incredible. Panels and lectures about the history of otherkinity and alterhumanity and how we are today and rep in the media and just so! Much! Cool! Stuff! And tons of great kinfolk too!

To not only be within a community but seeing others like me and speaking with them, not just typing back at words on a screen. It was...so very, very reaffirming. It felt like a second awakening almost. I wanted to cry for finally, truly not feeling alone.

And now I’m here. Because I need to be. Because something, deep down, is telling me I’m going to be needing myself sometime soon. So I’d better get started.

I hope I don’t drift away on the tide again. I’ve missed this site, worse for wear as it is.

But I’m a bit tired today. A nasty headache lingering from yesterday’s nastier flare up. Accursed cold fronts. I used to enjoy them but not so much these days. Ah well.

I know there wasn’t much kin talk in this first entry, but as I said, we had a lot of catching-up to do!

#Diary 2021 #dragonkin #otherkin #I'll tag these for now but if folks would rather I didn't I'll keep them to myself. :>

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mitterstorm · 4 years ago

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Dance For Me

Chapter 1

“Finally we are here today to seek and to receive comfort. We would be less than honest if we said that our hearts have not ached over this situation. We are not too proud to acknowledge-

You couldn’t take it anymore, just by standing here listening to that preach addressed his departure. Your knees feel weak and your eyes burn, but you refuse to make a scene, taking deep breaths while clenching your fists is helping you calm down.

Still, it’s not enough.

You want to scream again just as you did when you saw his body limp against yours, scratch your arms in attempts of making the pain and hurt go away. To drift your mind from these ugly feelings.

A sick way of coping indeed, teensy bit of self-harm ain't going to kill you. It helps you somehow, preventing yourself from breaking even further in a public place like the cemetery.

Finally, you regain control of yourself and shift back to the preacher. Unfortunately, he concluded, now you have to prepare for the worse.

Henry, who is your most precious friend, is dead. His body was being carried away in the concealment of a coffin; he said his last farewell to you early in the morning when you ate breakfast with him, offering your company so he wouldn't feel alone, regain some strength by appreciation itself.

Something was up that morning; the old fart was more talkative than usual and flashed a smile here and there. You are at fault for not noticing from the start. You should have been more perceptive and observant; you are keen on people after all, especially when he gave you that look as if he was parting ways with you. He didn’t fight death, accepted it as embracing a hug from an old friend. That thought alone fills your head with doubt.

Was he even happy when he left?

Did he feel satisfied with the life he lived?

Were you enough?

Fuck, you never would've imagined his passing will affect you this much.

<<You old geezer, why were you so kind to me? Why did we let ourselves get attached?>>

The time is near, you will eventually have to confront him with all of these people staring at you, but you need to be strong for sake. You are what’s left of his loved ones. Linda died long ago. They never had a chance to procreate and bring a new life, Joey went mad or something along those lines.

Just like the rest of the crew, and he didn’t make any friends while he was on service for the military. If he did, they were dead. He didn’t like to talk about it.

<<I tried to make you happy, make you feel at ease as you did for me>>

Yet he kept secrets from you, of course, you respected his wishes and didn’t pry any further.

However, it stung.

<<Now it’s not time to reminisce, there’s nothing to reminisce for me at the moment>>

They called your name to the front; you ran out of time. It’s your turn. Is your first time burying someone, yes, you have assisted other burials besides this one, but now you are who’s lost a loved one. Those past times were favors people close to you had asked a long time ago; they said it felt nice to have somebody there when someone else is missing in their lives. In other words, you were there as comfort. A shoulder they could use to cry and lean on.

Hesitant, you take away from the burier’s grasp his shovel and with a gulp. You start shoveling some dirt into the hole were Henry’s coffin lies.

<<Shit, I can’t stop trembling! Come on, stop being a pussy and get over with this!>>

Despite that, your body wouldn’t obey, it made you look clumsy. No matter how much you lied to yourself.

You are scared.

After burying Henry, your vision goes black.

Waking up tomorrow morning at home without a clue of how you got there made your mind fuzzy.

How fun.

You try to get up, but end up failing.

“Fuuuuuck! Why do I feel like absolute shit! Everything hurts!” These feel just like a hangover. Why does it feel like one? Did you go to a bar once Henry’s funeral ended? How much did you drink?

“Enough to blackout it appears,” You say under your breath. Of course, your dumb ass would go to a bar and get drunk to cope with the pain! An upcoming headache awaits you for being arbitrary, instead of showing apprehension towards the situation and mourn, as you should, your voice of reason zonked out. “I reek of booze. Agh, it stinks”.

No more addressing what happened yesterday; feeling like trash isn't doing you any good. Henry would have called you out on your bullshit.

"Stop whining like a whore and man up, chum! I'll buy you a drink. Later we can relax and cut you some slack, nothing a magsman like myself can't do".

“Ok boomer,” You said in a humdrum tone, at least it made you laugh internally. “lo and behold, this will be a shitty morning-err afternoon, it’s 1 PM, I thought it was too early to be awake”.

That means it’s time for brunch.

Must compel your stomach desires, eat a lot little of food. Therefore, you'll have to leave the bed, go downstairs where the kitchen is; you force yourself out of the comfiness that are your covers. So you walk out of the room barefoot towards the kitchen. You open the fridge faking interest with whatever is inside and close it, then repeat, only that this time you pay a little more of attention.

You grab the water pitcher and pour some in a glass, then look for oatmeal and toss three spoonfuls of it at the water, after that you chuck a spoonful of sugar and mix it. A simple drink full of roughage. It’ll suffice for now.

*Clink clink*

Metal hitting porcelain serves you as a white noise to rearrange your thoughts. Yesterday was hectic and had your mind high wire, you were thinking about the old man; how long have you two been friends? Five or six years more or less, you met each other by autumn at a hospital. On that occasion, you were merely an intern in the middle of their practice and had to change sheets, deliver meals, give them their meds and reassure they took them at the time the doctors had said. Like a nurse or carer (the difference it’s you possess more knowledge than one and can prescribe medication, it was also part of your duty as a trainee assisting the doctors with whatever you could). That’s how both of you came face to face with.

Mr. Stein was sick and injured. He needed to tend some wounds since they required special treatment. Battle scars, you didn’t know at the time, however, as days passed, you became close to him, he told you how he got them; the biggest can be found on his back.

Unfortunately, a sharp pain arose, preventing you from wandering further in the past. You had forgotten about your headache, which it’s more noticeable now, you are sure there aren’t any pills left.

“I ain’t leaving being this crappy, besides I don’t feel like moving right now…” Your eyelids are heavy and keeping them open, it’s such a pain, so you shut ‘em in hopes of relaxing for a little bit. Leaning your back on the kitchen island while drinking your beverage, its coldness helping you somehow with the throb.

Once again, your mind wanders.

Thanks to it, you know where to find some ibuprofen.

“Are these the ones?” You asked while holding a box for him to see, squinting Henry finally recognized the packet.

“What’s it called again?” He questioned, rubbing his head to ease the ache a bit. His voice raspy because of a dry throat. His normal soft tone replaced by a croaky. He’s clearly suffering.

“Ibuprofen.” You read aloud as you’ve been asked and turn back to look at him.

“Yup, that’s the one, lass. I know I’ve bothered you enough, but could you serve me a glass of water?”

“You old coot, not a bother at all. I’ll be back with your water in a jiffy”.

The pills are somewhere inside Henry’s studio. You can do that, going upstairs isn’t as demanding as buying them, cuz leaving home means changing clothes that look presentable and aren’t dirty. Henceforth, you don’t feel in the mood for seeing the outside.

“I should stop thinking of how lazy I am and look for those meds…” Talking to yourself it’s quite common, so you ain’t no stranger to these situations.

Therefore, you took a break from your bullshit and went upstairs where Henry Stein used to draw; he passed most of his time in there, secluded from the outside world, before military service, he worked at an animation studio owned by the man he once considered his best friend, Joey Drew was his name if your memory doesn’t fail you.

Your friend called him a bastard, never explained why only responded by saying: “He lost his mind.”

Nevertheless, Henry kept drawing cartoons, and sometimes, he would let you watch him sketch and answered your questions. He carried on with his old comics he left unfinished long ago. The same he had drawn back thirty years ago. The main characters are three little fellas: Bendy, Alice Angel, and Boris. Henry said they animated their adventures and later on, added side characters. The Butcher Gang, if you recall, also consists of a trio: Charley, Barley, and Edgar.

When Henry started storytelling, you felt like a kid back again, he could’ve marked your childhood just as the rest of animators who made those toons while you were a child. Oh, how you treasured these memories, you’ll never forget the time you spent together.

Evoking past times has helped to soothe your headache an itty-bitty, yet you still need to find the ibuprofen.

“Where could it be…” You asked to no one, hoping the walls may respond, even though it’ll never happen.

Seeking everywhere you soon turned the room upside down, papers on the floor resembling a carpet, art supplies rolling across the table (pencils, colors, pens, paintbrushes, blending stumps, etc.) and some books based on anatomy and animation were disorganized on their bookshelves. It all ended after you opened a drawer (this one didn’t need your touch, it was already a disorder) and found what you were looking for, and because of your rashness, more papers fell on the floor.

“Damn, what a mess…” You muttered under your breath a little irritated with yourself for being so careless while searching. You collected the papers and put them in order back again one by one, because of it you grew curious and read some of them, a letter grabbed your attention.

It was one of those fancy letters with a seal and all (what does it say? Seems of importance).

You don’t consider yourself nosy, just interested in its contents.

<<From Joey Drew? Huh, looks like your old buddy send you his salutations after all this time>>

Oh, you had no idea.

Henry knew about the letter, he already read it and did as they told him. The old studio where they used to make dreams come true transformed into a living hell.

‘DEAR HENRY

IT SEEMS LIKE A LIFETIME AGO SINCE WE WORKED ON CARTOONS TOGETHER.

30 YEARS REALLY SLIPS AWAY, DOESN’T IT?

IF YOU ARE BACK IN TOWN, COME VISIT THE OLD WORKSHOP.

THERE’S SOMETHING I NEED TO SHOW YOU.

YOUR BEST PAL, JOEY DREW’.

You finished reading the letter.

*Snrk*

Well shit.

Did you just read a confession or a love letter? Why not both? You don’t know why, but it feels like one.

“Okay, let’s stop right there. I can’t make jokes on circumstances as these ones”.

What could be so urgent for Joey to write a letter after thirty years of silence?

Should you investigate?

<<The letter could’ve been sent years ago! Henry surely read it; otherwise, it wouldn’t be inside a drawer of his studio, though there’s a possibility he didn’t, I doubt it. He must have seen his friend has written message>>

Okay, sure. Let’s suppose he didn’t pay any mind to the damn thing, you can pretend, now the real issue it’s the location. Joey Drew Studios must be closed (or broken down into pieces, you didn’t know if they decided to demolish the whole building).

“Wake up ___! Face reality, you shouldn’t be fantasizing, this ain’t some silly story with you as a heroine…instead of wasting my time, I shall swallow that damn pill and take some zzz’s”.

You left Henry’s solace and went to bed once again after you swallowed the pill with some water. A dreamless sleep greeted you.

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Bendy’s POV

“ん乇'丂ムの刀乇”.

Even though he should be celebrating, the Inkarnate can’t seem to find any joy in his being, no emotion tried to overtake him. Why? He doesn’t feel anything. True, he may not possess all the emotions a human has, but anger, joy, sadness, and hysteria weren’t unbeknownst him. There’s no satisfaction nor sorrow towards his creator’s death, not even an ounce of regret. Ok no, he won’t sense any guilt for what happened to Henry, he deserved to die just as much as Joey, but he was grasping straws in here!

How’s it possible to not perceive the slightest of emotion within himself?

The Ink Demon was turning apathetic in regards to the subject; he didn’t have an answer as to why. One thing he’s sure of, his world turned dull no longer exciting as he thought.

It was as if the little dancing demon had opened his eyes for the first time, after all those years blinded by the dripping ink, before that, he only saw what his mind showed him. He finally realized how monochromatic his world truly is.

All is black and white for the demon’s eyes.

A wave of indifference invades his mind and his mind is fuzzy, he dissolves into his inky form and rests.

However, not for much.

“-aHahaHAhahaHahaHAhaha!”

Alice.

That bitch.

He despises her nearly as much as those liars, yet the little devil darling couldn’t give a damn about her right now. Let her laugh all she wants as the malady she’s. The Angel probably got the word, celebrating, unlike him.

Immersing himself even more inside the ink, he found…peace. He can work with that, serenity aids his jumbled thoughts; darkness envelopes him and swallows his body whole.

<<In the end…I feel empty. Is this how revenge it’s supposed to be like?>>

He can’t respond to that, how could he? He doesn’t even know what’s life supposed to feel like.

<<Their imagination cursed us all with life, they couldn’t take responsibility for their actions and show us how to drive through it>>

Back when he was the small little imp everybody loved, there were all kind of colors, unlike now. The studio felt warm in contrast to all the ink that surrounds it now.

The remains of those old days lurk inside the deep abyss as ink creatures, husks who replaced the humans that worked here.

Thinking about it got him tired, Bendy finds himself drifting from consciousness, he’s falling asleep.

“Was it worth it?”

<<Again that cunt>> Despite his thoughts, the Inkarnate didn’t feel irascible towards the narcissist woman. Actually, there isn’t much for him to perceive.

She’s not in here, she wouldn’t dare to step a foot on his domain. The wench had the nerve of placing her cutouts and posters; he destroyed a few just as she did the same. She is communicating with him using a damaged poster with her face.

“I know you can hear me, demon, don’t fake pretend.”

“Wんﾘりのﾘのひ ᄃﾑ尺乇?” He hopes to scare her, even though he knows it won’t work while using his beast form for some reason his speech turns nightmarish. Yet he doesn’t wield it often because of how difficult is controlling his instincts. Thoughts become more primal, talking it’s hard after a few hours transformed in it gets tiring, and he can’t measure his own force. He favors his inky form best: practical and gets the job done.

“I don’t”. So she’s just shitting with him, insufferable.

“Then why ask?”

“Spirit of inquiry. Your relationship intrigues me, up there in Heaven, we get curious as to why you didn’t kill him yourself. And don’t even try to justify your actions. You had many opportunities. The little errand boy nearly ends up killing you, he tried the same with me”.

After listening to what the Angel had to said, his permanent smile turned slowly into a frown. It’s never a good thing when the Lord ain’t wearing one.

“…”

“Well?”

The fallen angel is laughing at him.

“Not even you know the reason behind your acts of mercy!” He remains silent, it’s not like she’s wrong, the little devil does not why he was so resilient with Henry.

After that fiasco, she left him be.

Thanks to Alice’s short visit, Bendy finds questioning why she dropped by. They hate one another, true. She has eyes here and there, but it’s to keep him in line, so he won’t cross an inky limb on her domain. Unlike the female cartoon, he does not have any cutouts, posters, plushies, or ink servants near her place. He wants nothing to do with her. That’s why he finds it so unusual, it’s not like her.

Unless…

She fancies something he has.

<<If that bitch knows what’s good for her, she won’t be picking her nose in my business>>

Later he’ll do his rounds throughout the studio, maybe, the imp will find what she’s searching before she does, whatever it may be, he won’t let her have it.

He’ll make sure of it.

Who knows what her deranged mind has planned; he’s tired of the gruesome scenery this place is in, corpses all around, clones of his ol’ friend bring back unsavory images from the past. Oh, Lawrence, he’s a madman, made satanic circles as a way of showing his devotion towards the black devil. Thanks to Sammy, he has eyes in nearly the entire place.

Yes, he’s aware the musician it’s alive, but Sammy Lawrence continues being of use for him.

<<I’ll take care of him when I wake up…>>

He’s exhausted. However, he stays on his beast form sunken in ink.

The demon’s slumber it’s a peaceful one…

Until you enter his kingdom.

An animalistic rumble shakes the tinted walls.

He’s coming for you.

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Three days.

You paced on the issue for three days, until you finally had an answer.

“I’m gonna pay a visit to your ol’ pal, maybe he’s still alive…or not…” You lowered your voice in the last part; Henry called Joey a bastard and accused him of being mentally unstable, you trust his word, but what if…what if he changed? There’s a possibility he redeemed himself and went through a rehabilitation process to help him with his instability.

<<I need to look for the address and from there I’ll see what can be done>>

You googled ‘Joey Drew Studios’ on your phone and within seconds Google Maps showed up, you were going to click at it, but then something catches your eye.

An article and it’s quite old.

‘Joey Drew Studios, also known as the workshop. Is an American corporation and an animation studio of the Bendy franchise, established in 1929.

Founded by Joey Drew and Henry Stein in an unknown full date other than the year of 1929, Joey Drew Studios is located at Broadway, Brooklyn, New York City, New York.

In 1946, Joey Drew Studios was under investigation after reports of hazardous work environments, missing employees, harassment, and excessive back pay, as well the company's danger of being bankrupt, all of which are a result of Joey's mismanagement of the studio. Anonymous employees threatened to make labor unions over the poor conditions, which included unpermitted buildings, hazardous electrical wiring, and a plumbing system prone to bursting. In addition, there were excessive work hours, most of which were unpaid and several animators were unable to see their families in weeks, after being threatened with disciplinary action and termination if they were unable to finish animations on tight schedules.

There were reports of barricaded offices, employees locked up in work spaces, and complaints of crazy malfunctioning machinery. Despite the evidence against the company, Joey Drew remained firm that the studio has done nothing wrong, calling the accusations "preposterous" and "ridiculous", dismissing them as either complaint from menial employees, or feeble attempts by competing studios to discredit Joey.

On August 16, 1959, the law firm known as Snooks, Spitner and Snooks sued Joey Drew, having heard the rumors of Joey's mismanaging of his own workers. 12 days later, the studio was closed down in accordance to legal regulation 11 U.S Code § 1125 (which forbids the misrepresentation of legally established companies) as evident by the bankruptcy report found in Joey's apartment, as well as health and safety concerns directly by the mention of a health and safety board meeting schedule found in the appointment lobby.’

Oof.

<<That’s a lot to take in>>

Why the fuck would Henry’s friend would want to meet at that nightmare show? Has he learned nothing after all this years? And not only that, the sucker it´s/was an abusive prick with his employees!

<<Man, you weren’t joking>>

You fear a screw lose isn’t Joey’s only problem.

<<He sounds like an asshole, I don’t want to put up with his shit...I’ve got enough dealing with people like him on a daily basis. Sure, not everyone it’s an ass and there’s some decent/kind people out there, but handling jerks as the likes of him tires me out>>

Sometimes you aren’t the most patient person, it all depends. But this whole ordeal it’s too much for you.

<<The studio is in the big city, New York it’s fucking expensive. I don’t have the money for travelling that far, I’ll have to bid on my savings and package supplies for the journey>>

Crap. Three days and you didn’t think all of this through! How can you be so stupid?!

Now this looks like one of those impulsive decisions you take for being careless and inattentive.

<<How could Henry put up with me when not even I can stand myself?!>>

You need an adult, that’s what you ought to have beside you.

Your life is such a mess sometimes…

“Before spending money on my idiocy I should read more and prepare myself.” You mutter angrily to yourself.

That’s exactly what you did the next two days, finally you are ready for departing.

You grab your backpack and the car’s keys. “Cellphone in the front pocket, all that’s left is open the door, lock it and call Abby, easy.”

During those two days you made a few calls and went up for gas, it was going to be a long trip from Miami to New York. Sure, it ain’t that extensive, but you’ll be driving by yourself for approximately 20 hours. A place to stay, money, gasoline and food are big girl’s problems. Not counting the money you’ll spend on a cheap motel to rest your head.

“That or make a few stops on gas stations…maybe sleeping in the car won’t be that bad…” The good thing is you have options; you aren’t tied solely to one alternative.

<<Abby won’t charge me for doing me this favor, another plus>>

She’ll guard the house in your absence and will call if any emergency transpires.

Now, you are free to go.

<<I hope I made a good decision doing this>>

The first 8 hours were a torment, bored and your ass felt numb of sitting for that long, the last time you remained that still was in high school, since you made your schedule. Your feet hurt just as your arms did. You made a stop for eating and going to the bathroom, after that another 8 hours.

Overall, the journey was relaxing, while driving you admired the views offered to you, savoring each sight. It helped you keeping away some melancholy.

You miss Henry, no matter how much you tried to distract yourself with this excursion of yours, the emptiness stays in the back of your mind.

Your wounds are still fresh, you haven’t mourned properly, because you don’t want to. That’s why you are doing this, to keep yourself busy so you won’t think about it. You need it, you ain’t prepared for it yet.

Soon you’ll be.

After a short nap (before that you made many stops, ‘cuz you’re a whining bitch who ain’t strong enough to control her fucking bladder), you started driving again. You have three or four hours left on the road.

Time to listen some music, you activate Bluetooth and connect your phone to the car’s stereo, finally you found a song of your liking in Spotify and play it. You spent the rest of the trip singing along; sometimes you’ll speed up a little bit on the spur of the moment.

Soon you got to your destination, didn’t waste time changing clothes, you collapsed on the bed in the motel and slept for an hour. After that, you washed yourself and got ready for visiting Joey Drew.

“Here goes nothing…”

You regret already coming here, silly you just ruined a change of clothes! Why is there so much ink? You’ll never get out the ink of your shoes, fuck! You have been here for less than ten minutes and all went to shit for you! It doesn’t help this place keeps giving you the heebies-jeebies! Every time you take a step on the creaky wooden floor it feels as if someone is following you, like a slithering sound. The ink splashes keep creeping you out, if it wasn’t black you would think it’s blood, Jesus Christ.

<<Thank God, the lights still work; it would make this place spookier if they didn’t>>

As you venture further deeper into the studio, a beast rumbles, shaking everything around you, more ink drops fall.

At that moment…

…you knew you fucked up.

So you hide.

Your mind provides you one last thought before going high drive

‘WHY ARE YOU RUNNING?! WHY ARE YOU RUNNING?!’

<<FUUU-

#Bendy and the Ink Machine #fanfic #bendy #boris the wolf #alice angel #bendyxreader #sammy lawrence #henry stein #reader #Dance For Me Fanfic #bendy fanfic #BATIM fanfic #batim fanfic

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millioncth · 6 years ago

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love me back - c.t.h (part 3)

a/n: the long awaited part three is here! i really hope you enjoy and again, i’m sorry if there’s any mistakes, engigh is not my first language. ALSO!! this is unedited and kinda rushed? anyways vvvvv angsty!! feedback is always cool!

part 1 - part 2

have you ever felt that pain that starts in your stomach and quickly creeps its way to every inch of your body, from your toes to the tip of your fingers? even though he was drunk, calum could still feel it consume his body. he closed his eyes hard hard hard, and held his head in his hands. barely processing the words coming out of his mouth, he spoke,

“is it because you’re with luke? is that’s why you don’t love me?”

truth is, he still was incapable of getting the image of them holding hands, walking out of the club, out of his hands. it was tattooed on his mind, in bright colors and with a needle he could still feel.

“what? i’m not dating luke! why would you think that?” she was beyond confused. still on her position behind the counter.

“but i saw you leaving with him last night!” he took a deep breath, and swallowed a lump he didn’t even realize that was forming in his throat. “please don’t lie to me, y/n. if you two are in a relationship, i need you to tell me so i can just back off”

she scoffed, “back off from what? from kissing me two times? from holding my hand when we hang out? oh, but that has to be in secret, because people can’t possibly find out that the calum hood is holding someone’s fucking hand!” she raised her voice; anger just splashed in it. at this point, calum had let silent tears make room on his eyes and drop down his face, but he just kept listening to whatever y/n had to say. “i’m not with luke, not that it’s any of your business” she sighed, her tone much softer than before, but not less angry.

“then why were you leaving with hi-”

“i was sad, okay? i was sad and frustrated and crying in the back of that fucking club and luke saw me and he brought me home! he was being a friend! why am i even explaining myself to you? ugh” she had walked over to the couch and sat down next to him, annoyed and exhausted.

“w-why were you crying?” he asked, eyes full of concern. she may not love him, he thought, but he still cared about her.

“because i love you, okay? i do, it’s just… i didn’t tell you because it wouldn’t make a difference okay? i do love you but it’s going to be the same outcome as if i didn’t” her voice groggy. she moved a little and placed her elbow on the arm of the couch, face resting in her palm.

calum couldn’t believe it, “you love me? for real?”.

to be honest, that was all he could register.

“yes” that was when y/n realized that it would make absolutely no sense to keep having this conversation. calum was drunk, he was slurring every other word, and probably wouldn’t remember any of this in the morning. after a brief silence, she got up, offering him his hand. “hey, let’s get some sleep, yeah? we’ll talk tomorrow”

he took her hand, stumbling around and letting her guide him to her room.

“you’re going to sleep with me? in the same bed?” he asked as she sat him down, innocence on his tone, the alcohol finally taking the best of him.

“yes, cal. now, you can sleep in your underwear and a t-shirt, okay?”

“okay” as he got rid of his pants, she climbed to the other side of the bed. “you’re so nice. i love you” he got under the covers, she looked past the i love you. “can we cuddle?”

she knew it wasn’t the brightest of all ideas. she knew she would feel loved only to be let down in the morning. but she also knew that she would get hurt no matter what happened that night, so she just nodded. he smiled big, and came closer to her. she made herself comfortable under his neck, and he hugged her like his life depended on it, a warm feeling in both of their chests.

calum knew that feeling wouldn’t last forever, but he didn’t want to think about it in that moment. instead, all he wanted to do was cuddle her and forget that he was an asshole; he wanted to be close to her, even if it was just that night.

“i love you” he whispered.

“i love you too”

the next morning, calum woke up with a headache, and little knowledge as to why he was in y/n’s room. his first instinct was to get up and leave before she could realize, but then he looked at her in his arms, peacefully sleeping, and subconsciously wished that he cold wake up to this every morning. he started to remember the night before, and he was angry at himself for not making an effort to even fight y/n, to tell her that they would be alright.

he didn’t know why he was like this. he really wanted to be with y/n, to be her boyfriend, to stay in with her as she does school work, to watch her concentrated face when she tries to finish up a song. but he couldn’t, he just couldn’t and it hurted. he had made himself so emotionally unavailable in the first years of his career, getting hurt by people who didn’t really love him, that it made him close up to any relationship. and now, this wonderful girl was ready to commit to him, to love him endlessly, and he was incapable of giving her what she wanted.

y/n looked so pretty wrapped in his arms, and he thought that she must be the most beautiful person in the whole wide world. she started to stir a little, the sun softly hitting her face and making her wake up slowly. as soon as she regained consciousness, she couldn’t help but sigh and look up to calum.

“hi” he breathed out.

“hey” she pressed her lips together, every bit of doubt that she had could be seen in her eyes.

a brief silence appeared between the two, and cal couldn’t help but hug her slightly tighter, trying to make this situation last a little longer. but, when he saw the look on her face, eyebrows furrowed and sad eyes, he knew he had to address the issue. “so,” he started “about last night… i’m sorry, okay? i really am, because all of what you said was true”

she nodded slowly, trying to comprehend why this was hurting so damn much if she already knew how it was going to end. in the three or four years of knowing cal, he had never settled down with nobody, so why did she still hoped that this time would be different?

“it’s okay, cal. i… i understand” she whispered, not really trusting herself to speak louder.

“i just want you to know that i really love you, y/n. i just- i don’t wanna hurt you, and… i don’t wanna get hurt too, i guess” he looked into her eyes, empathetic as always, and for a moment he wished that she wasn’t like that. he wished that she yelled at him for being such a jerk, that she didn’t understand what he was going through, and maybe that way he would feel less guilty. because right now, y/n was taking the heartbreak almost as if she deserved it, and that made calum feel like crap, because all this pain was inflicted by him, and only by him, with no one else to blame.

“i love you too cal. but you’re not ready for a relationship and i get that. i respect it. i think it’s mature of you to not wanting to jump into something you’re not one hundred percent sure of” she said in a low tone, trying to swallow all of her feelings.

gently, she got out of calum’s embrace and to her drawer. she got out an ibuprofen and a bottle of water that was sitting on top of it.

“here,” she handed them to him “for your hangover”.

he didn’t know why that small action sprawled a sudden realization through his body. he took the pill and the water out of y/n’s hands, his bottom lip shaking and his whole demeanor changed into someone so weak, and so so lost. he closed his eyes hard hard hard.

“what’s wrong?” she asked, concerned by calum’s abrupt change.

“you’re s-so nice to me, it’s unfair”

“what?” she chuckled, sitting up next to him.

“what i mean is that you’re so great, so fucking great and pretty and amazing. and you’re so talented and smart, and you like the same things that i do. and you understand me, you get me. you’re so kind and you take care of me and you’re so perfect for me but i’m just such a fucking asshole. i don’t know why i can’t be with you, but it’s killing me and i’m so sorry. because yesterday you told me that you loved me too, and i couldn’t believe it, even though you told me you didn’t love me first, when you said it back i felt like i was on cloud nine so i’m sorry i hurt you, i’m really really really sorry” he blurted out so fast, his eyes full of regret, and his voice was choked, trying not to cry.

that morning would be the last time they both would talk alone for a very long time, and it ended with soft kisses, full of calum seeking forgiveness, and y/n forgiving him, even if it would leave her with a heavy heart for a long time.

y/n spent her summer busy: writing for a lot of artists, producing some tracks and helping the guys out with their new album. truth was, she kept herself busy in order to think about calum as little as possible. they all had been working really hard, and ashton decided that it was time to take a break. so, he invited the guys, plus their girlfriends, plus y/n to eat dinner and relax one afternoon in mid-august.

y/n agreed to go. she thought it was going to be a chill day, and she would get to hang out with her best friends and take a little bit of time off.

y/n sat between ash and luke at the large table. everyone was enjoying the food, laughing and having a good time. michael and crystal looked more in love than ever, and luke was so happy with sierra. it was nice to see him like this, y/n thought. after all, they all had seen him at his worst.

just as she was going to point out cal’s absence, he appeared a the door. everything was normal, until she noticed that he wasn’t alone. he had a girl in his arm. as soon as she saw her, she kind of zoned out, not wanting to hear whatever calum had to say, but she heard anyway.

“hey guys,sorry i’m late. this is my girlfriend, chloe”

chloe was a pretty girl. she was almost as tall as calum, and she had long brown hair. and all y/n could do was to smile and greet her, even if she felt all of her insides ripping apart.

of course he would be over her. of course. how could he not? it’s not like she tried to be a constant in his life. but she had hope. and for someone in her position, with the guy she loves being a star, it was dangerous. because, like that moment just proved, hope can be destroyed so fast.

they decided to sit right in front of her, and y/n couldn’t help but to shoot luke a look of help. everyone around her seemed to noticed how she was suddenly uncomfortable. everyone but calum and his girlfriend. thankfully, they didn’t ask her about it, restarting their conversations instead.

when they all finished eating, she excused herself and sneaked to ashton’s backyard. he sameplace where her and cal had their first kiss. y/n shook the memory out of her head, running her hands through her face and hair before sitting down and lighting a cigarette. taking a long drag, she closed her eyes, and tried so hard not to think about calum having a girlfriend. she didn’t even wanted to head inside for the rest of the evening, because she didn’t want to stare at calum’s general direction. she just wanted to forget about everything that happened between them, take every single moment they spent together and shove it in a box and throw it in the back of her closet and leave it there.

her thinking time got cut down short by the last person she wanted to talk to in that moment.

“that hoodie of yours is full of burn holes” his voice said from behind her. she didn’t even realize that he was there until he talked, much like what happened with luke that night in the club.

“well, it is my smoking hoodie” she answered with a dry tone. “i guess i knew i was going to smoke a lot today” she said taking a last drag, and quickly lighting another one.

“woah, slow down there…” he sit in front of her. he almost continued whatever he was saying, but when he saw the deadly glare she gave him, he stopped himself.

he resorted to get out a cigarette himself, and patted down for a lighter, with no luck. when y/n saw this, she lit up her own, lighting the cigarette for him.

“i need to talk to you,” he said after a while “about chloe”.

that phrase made y/n roll her eyes so hard that it stung a little, but she let him talk. “go ahead” she said. “it’s not like i have much to lose, right?” her voice was barely above a whisper.

“y/n… i know that this was fast, after we talked… it’s only been two months. but she’s great, a-and i really like her” his eyes were pleading, almost begging for y/n to give him any signal that she approved of this, but he refused to meet his gaze, deciding to focus on one of the trees in the backyard instead.

“i get it, calum. i just…” she thought about telling him what she really thought about it, but determining it was better to keep her mouth shut, not wanting to cause any trouble. “whatever. i’m sure she’s great. i’m happy for you. excuse me” she muttered so fast and her face remained emotionless as she got up from her seat and quickly made her way inside.

“hey, ash” she tapped him on the shoulder “can i go lay down on your guest room for a bit? i have a headache”

“of course, love. tell me if you need anything. you know where the guest room is” he answered with kind eyes. she just nodded and headed upstairs, closing the door behind her once she reached said room, but not locking it.

she laid down on the bed, finally letting her stomach churn and her head daze in peace. she closed her eyes and breathed out hard, trying to get rid of the lump that was forming in her throat, and also trying to distract herself from the pain that was blooming in her chest and creeping its way into every inch of her body. it wasn’t until it reached her fingertips that she realized that she was in actual physical pain. at that moment, there was no point in trying to contain her cries inside anymore, so she started to let out silent sobs, and turning her body in a position where her face was buried in a pillow and her arms were under it. she stayed there until god knows how long, a soft knock at the door bringing her back to reality.

“y/n? honey, it’s us, open up” sierra’s delicate voice said on the other side.

“it’s open” y/n croaked out. sierra and luke let themselves in, the girl going immediately to check if her friend was okay, while luke closed the door and locked it this time.

“how are you feeling?” her sweet voice asked, while running her hands through her hair.

“like shit” y/n sounded rough.

“how dare he show up with a girl knowing you’re here? i swear that if michael didn’t stop me he would already have left” luke started to rant.

“it’s not his fault” y/n sat up, now sporting a real headache after all the crying.

“why are you still defending him?” luke sounded confused.

“because…” y/n took a deep breath “it’s really not his fault, guys. i mean, we are nothing. we don’t have a relationship. he made that very clear, that he didn’t want a relationship with me, that he wasn’t ready. i just hoped that maybe one day he’d be ready. turns out he is, just not for me” she sighed, her tone trembling. “but whatever, he’s happy i guess. and i have to respect it”.

both luke and sierra were frustrated at how calm y/n was about the whole situation, but they knew that she was like this. that she always put others in front of her. right now though, y/n looked so beat down, so done with the whole situation, so exhausted, that they decided it was best not to argue with her about it.

tag list: @rexorangecouny @ruth-is-a-koala-bear @5secondssofssummer @mellany1997 @harringtonsblackgf @you-of-ghost @birdsbeesndaisies @pansexualpancakeslife @amandash113 @calumsbabydolll @juliabrghs @flowerchild8341 @calssunflower @inlovehoodx @sugarcoatedcalum @youmaycallmemrshemmings

#5sos #5sos angst #5sos imagine #calum hood #calum hood imagine #calum hood blurbs #calum hood angst #calum 5sos #ashton irwin #luke hemmings #michael clifford #5sos imagines #calum hood imagines

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burlybanner · 5 years ago

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Merge (ScienceBrosWeek2019)

Summary: Some secrets are better left unsaid - and some are better cracked wide open Disclaimer: This is different from my usual style and I’m not sure where this story is going. So I’m not sure when I’ll continue. But keep me honest; it’ll happen eventually.

Disclaimer deux: I struggled with getting chapter the way I wanted, and the theme fought me tooth and nail. But it is what it is, and I don’t want to get too far behind. So - read at your own risk!

Unbeta’d.

Reference: Dust(1), Drip(2), Bitter(3)

Bruce woke, remembering precisely why he didn’t like drinking with Tony. He vowed this time (why was there always a “this time”) to leave the whisky on its designated shelf where it belonged. He squinted and rubbed his thumb and forefinger beneath his eyes, still feeling the heaviness of his mind and limbs with Tony’s body draped around him.

“You awake?”

Bruce grunted. “Yeah. I guess.”

“What do you want?”

“Aspirin, coffee, and donuts.” Not that he expected the donuts. But still. He’d seen them yesterday and couldn’t get them out of his mind.

“Side table. Check the drawers.” Tony yawned and rolled off of Bruce like a cat. Bruce glanced over, watching Tony tap his wrist twice, then his jaw. “Hey. Who’s on the donut run today?” Pause. “Really?” Another pause. Two gestures on his wrist. “Can you grab a dozen sorted for me and bring ‘em down?” Pause. “But if you don’t w--” Long, long pause. “Okay, okay. See you.”

Jaw tap.

Bruce stared at him, hand hovering between the table and the bed. “What was that?”

Tony smirked, tapped his wrist and middle knuckle. “SIberNet. Spelled SI, for Stark Industries. The evolution of telecom patented by yours truly.”

He continued staring. “You fucking scare me.”

“I’ve always scared you. But then, we have a mutual scare pact.”

Bruce pursed his lips and conceded Tony’s point. He found Ibuprofen and bottled water in the side table, then palmed two tablets and scowled at Tony before quaffing half the water. “I bet they’re all connected to SINet, or whatever you’re calling it.”

“SIberNet. Everyone’s connected, but not everyone has access to all functions. Just the higher ups.”

Bruce finished his water and shook his head. “But of course you have access to everything.”

“More or less.”

“Emphasis on the more?”

Tony smiled.

Bruce sighed heavily and felt a stronger ache in his bones. “I’m gonna go take a piss,” he muttered. His head hurt, partly from the hangover. “Grab some coffee. Maybe take a shower.”

“Make it fast, donuts’ll be here in less than ten.”

To his credit he barely tripped from the bed. Even now, in the light of day (was there sun? How did they survive without the sun) the puzzle seemed unsolvable. Too many pieces were missing and until he felt warm, clean, and headache-free Bruce didn’t expect many answers from Tony, or his own sluggish psyche.

But donuts would definitely help.

Tony gestured to Bruce’s clothes. “Wanna put something on?”

“What for?” Was his body that repulsive, that Tony couldn’t bear the sight of him sober--? “You’ve seen me naked. I’ll grab a towel after I shower.”

Tony’s face softened, revealing too much vulnerability. But Bruce’s hangover was having nothing to do with introspection. Not this early in the day.

“Birthday suit yourself, Brucie.”

Bruce rolled his eyes and shuffled from the room.

His mind calmed after leaving Tony’s bedroom. It wasn’t horrible sleeping with him but Bruce wanted more, so it heightened his anxiety. Luckily he didn’t need to feel anything in the front room and his mind could blunt its sharp edges.

Bruce shuffled to Tony’s window and its great view; also luckily, Tony hadn’t bothered shutting the curtain the night before. He felt like Alice in Wonderland - like he was still dreaming. But Bruce’s mind was not savvy enough to conjure waterfalls, slick mossy crags, and winding jungle vines. His mind wasn’t nearly quiet enough to recreate this joy.

Bruce placed a hand on the glass and briefly shut his eyes. The hum of the cave filled him but so did the urgent need to piss. His physical body forced him to leave Eden behind, to relieve himself.

While pissing his mind roved over Tony’s opulent bathroom, top of the line of course. He glared at Tony’s walk-in shower with the perfect, pristine jets and high level stonework. He knew he said he’d shower but he needed to ground himself more, and...no. Peace first. The shower simply reminded him of the future and he needed more of now’s peace.

He left the bathroom with the sole intent of making coffee and staring into perfection. Tony would either join him, or wait, it wouldn’t matter. He just...needed this. Right now.

“Tell me when, I’ll show you around.”

Bruce squawked, visibly jumping after hearing a not-Tony voice in the corner. How long had he been there, sitting, not staring at Bruce at all? Quiet, proud, and waiting. Calmly staring into the abyss. Lost in his own mind’s prison.

“Hey, Bruce.”

“Jesus - you motherfucker - you...” Bruce closed his eyes, put a shaky hand to his chest. “You know better than that. You know.”

“Yeah, well. Guess I figured you’d notice.” James Rhodes chuckled, folded his hands over the handle of his cane. Bruce’s eyes drew to the ornate pattern of the platinum handle, a twisty network of vines and fauna drawn down into an obsidian shaft. He thought if Rhodes were a Disney villain, that this would be the cane for him. But he shot the image from his mind. No Disney villain would be as classy.

“Maybe I would’ve, if I weren’t so hungover.” A chill reminded him of how very under-dressed he was, and he finally understood Tony’s vague question, regarding his clothes.

He hated how nervous he felt.

“It’s been a while, huh?”

“Yeah.”

Rhodey used his cane to push up from his chair, slowly limping his way to join him. Bruce frowned, eyes instinctively shifting to the rhythm of Rhodey’s shuffle. Rhodey’d either just finished his morning exercises or his other leg had been overcompensating, due to the prosthetic. Bruce wondered, absently, when the last time Rhodey had seen an orthopedist.

“Kinda makes sense Tony has the best view.”

Bruce took a second to drink Rhodey in before sharing the pristine outskirts with him. A dark chuckle died in Bruce’s throat. “It wouldn’t be Tony otherwise.”

“Heh. True.”

His fingers slowly stroked the glass but he didn’t have the strength to stare at Rhodey directly. Instead Bruce watched the other man’s reflection, as Rhodey’s reflection watched him. “I’m sorry,” Bruce said, unable to find anything better to say.

Rhodey nodded. He shifted his stance as his left hand massaged his cane’s handle. “Nothing to be sorry about, really. It happened. We happened. Other things happened to us. It’s life, man.”

“Still.” Softly, tentatively. He reached out and gently placed his hand on Rhodey’s. Bruce felt tendons jump, then relax. The ground they shared was uneven at best but not broken; Bruce felt some relief in that.

“It wasn’t fair. I...I ignored you. Didn’t know how to talk to you. Twenty years of friendship, and I--”

“Thirty.”

“Pardon?”

Rhodey’s expression turned wistful and he stared at the carpet. “You...always forget to include your fugitive years, Bruce. You’ve known me and Tones for over thirty, not twenty. But I get it. Happens to POWs a lot.”

Bruce’s face fell and he blinked once, twice, rapidly. He felt his mind shift but he forced his expression to remain neutral. “Oh. You’re right. Of course.”

Then Rhodey reached for him, and Bruce couldn’t tell if it were from pity or love but both equally soured his stomach. “You wanna sit?”

“Sure.”

Bruce sat at the place he’d been the night before, feeling painfully naked and cold.

“Here.” A cup of coffee was pressed into his hands and an apple fritter suddenly appeared within easy reach.

“Thanks.” Bruce took a sip of the coffee and a large bite of the donut. A small smile curled his lips. “You remembered.”

“How could I forget? Six sugars, a tablespoon of cream, and a bunch of donuts. Every Saturday for years. It was your go-to breakfast.”

“Go-to hangover breakfast.”

Rhodey snorted. “Well. We didn’t do Friday nights halfway.”

“No,” Bruce sighed. He slouched deeper in the chair, letting his toes curl into the carpet. “We didn’t.” The silence lingered but Bruce didn’t feel pressured to fill it. Rhodey grabbed his own cup of coffee and filled their silent space with little posh sips, while they enjoyed watching the cave’s waterfall.

“Did Tony tell you about the clouds?”

“What? Out there?” Rhodey nodded. “You’re joking.”

“Nah, I’m serious.” Rhodey smiled and drained his coffee cup. “More like condensation, though. The atmosphere builds up and makes its own clouds. Gets so humid, it feels like a misty rain. Pretty incredible.”

Bruce shook his head, enjoying their easy conversation. He didn’t...he honestly didn’t believe they could return to this. They’d barely spoken for five years. Really ten, since when he got back he’d been too mentally unstable and...well.

Things.

“I tried.”

Bruce finished his fritter and found the donut box. He poked his finger around the stacks until he found a jelly filled one. “Tried what?”

“Finding you.”

He’d just bit into the thing when Rhodey dropped him into the painful present. The jelly soured in his mouth but he finished chewing it. Swallowing felt like swallowing marbles of sand. “It...ah. You couldn’t. It wasn’t. It--” Bruce tried again. “There weren’t any drones, like we have now. Facial recognition software was shit back then. And I was really good at hiding.”

“But I found Tony. I should’ve found you. I’m...sorry I couldn’t.”

Bruce shook his head like an animal shaking off a collar. “No, don’t. It’s not--”

“No. Remember it wasn’t just you and Tony, and me and Tony. It was me and you, too.”

He couldn’t say anything to counter because it’d just make it worse. Sadness threatened to overwhelm Bruce but he hid it by taking another bite of donut. He had to spin it, though. “Can’t really change the past,” he said, mouth full of jelly. “We both got hit hard, y’know? It changed all of us. Everything did. We changed.”

Rhodey nodded. “We did. If we hadn’t, you would’ve known about this place when I did. You would’ve been a part of it.”

Sighing heavily, he ran a hand over his rough skin. He needed a shave, badly. “I don’t know, Rhodey. I don’t...this is too much. All of it. I don’t know what it is, but now I’m culpable. What--what’s the end goal really? What’s the purpose? What’s my purpose?”

“Well,” Rhodey sighed. He cocked his head, peering at Bruce. “It’s always been the three of us, you know that. If one of us doesn’t make it, it doesn’t work. It would’ve never worked without you. Tony’s mind would’ve been worried. I would’ve worried. We had to have a consensus.”

“Merging of the minds?”

Rhodey shrugged. “If it makes you feel better.”

“I haven’t said yes.”

“Haven’t said no either.”

Bruce finished his donut, allowing it to settle the fear building in his stomach. “But if I do? If I walk away?”

“Nothing will happen. But I imagine we’d get shut down in a few years or we’d move up our time table. Either scenario’d probably hurt us.”

“I...shit. Rhodey, I need to know. I can’t make any decisions without knowing the big picture.”

“You willing to hear it all out, Bruce? From start to finish, without bolting?”

“What choice do I have?”

“Fair.”

“I mean...” Bruce grabbed another donut. A cruller. “Tony wouldn’t’ve dragged me out here on the guise of a two week business trip without good reason. I’d like to hear out this fucking grand plan. Besides I’m guessin’ it’s already in place. It’s just...hovering. Waiting on me to--what? Agree?”

“Probably.”

“And that’s what I’m afraid of.” He peered at Rhodey and swallowed uncomfortably. “So level with me, then. Are...are we the heroes? Or...the villains?”

Rhodey shrugged. “To be determined, I guess. You know as well as I that history’s written by the survivors.”

“ ‘You either die a hero, or you live long enough to see yourself become the villain.’ “

But Rhodey didn’t respond and Bruce followed his gaze back to the cave. They’d lobbed that phrase at each other for years, laughed at it, used it as a barb whenever one of them messed up in a major way. But it never seemed more apt, than now.

Bruce sighed. “I’m going to take that shower now.”

“Mm.”

The rest of the day would probably break him, but he was used to being broken.

#sciencebrosweek2019 #sciencebrosweek #science bros #james rhodes #bruce banner #tony stark #ah a wild rhodey appears #again the fic with no name #stumbling in the dark with this and hoping the light at the end of the tunnel isn't a train #@sciencebrosweek

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austinpanda · 4 years ago

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Dad Letter 101120

11 October, 2020

Dear Dad--

Lo, I am wounded! Haha, it’s not bad. I believe I have thrown my back out. I’ve heard of people doing this; guess it was time I tried it. I was just making the bed yesterday, and I went to straighten up, and my lower back said, “Hey, fuck you, and everything that you believe in,” and suddenly it got excitingly hurty, and I had to lie down. It remained excitingly hurty for the rest of the day and into the evening. I began to experience what I think were back spasms, as I experienced periods when the pain would come in repeated pulses. I still can only walk if I bend way over, like I’m looking for something on the ground, which I’m now calling the “question mark walk.” Zach got some ibuprofen at the store this morning and made me take two of them quickly, because, I assume, he’s got to be getting tired of listening to me gasp and grunt in pain every five minutes.

And you know what? Despite my bitching about it, this really isn’t getting me down. I mean, it hurts rather a lot, but it’s just temporary muscle pain. I suppose I’m taking note of the fact that, as I get older, pain does not upset me as much as it once did. A sad television commercial will make me sob like a baby, but having pain that feels like you’re getting shivved in the prison shower once every five seconds is little more than just...a break in the routine. So I’m a question mark for a couple of days. As always, I assume this is further evidence that I need to exercise. I take it for granted that those who exercise and/or stretch their back a little every day experience this problem a lot less frequently, if at all.

I did two difficult things yesterday! Feels so good to have a difficult task, the conclusion of which is uncertain, and just knock it out of the park, doesn’t it? First thing was fixing my printer. I have a perfectly lovely Brother laser printer that I use for all my printing needs, and it prints very well, and I love it, but it stopped working not long ago. It wouldn’t feed itself paper. Fortunately, there’s a little panel on the front that you can flip down. Once you flip down the panel, you can feed the printer one sheet of paper at a time, in case the normal mechanism doesn’t work. It’s a nice failsafe, except it’s one sheet at a time. One thing I’ve learned since the invention of the internet, is that if you have a particular problem with a particular product, others have had the same problem, too. I went to the internet to find out why my printer couldn’t feed itself paper.

Turns out there’s a little white plastic dingus inside the printer. It’s like an arm, about two inches long. It has a hole in the middle where it fits over a post, and this little white plastic arm is made to pivot on that post, and serve some paper-feeding purpose. And because the good folks at Brother printers decided, in their tiny little black hearts, that the world needs more frustration and anguish, that little white plastic arm can just come clean off that pivot post and rattle around in there, uselessly. I guess putting an extra little dingus on top of the post to keep the arm in place is just too fanciful and esoteric a solution for them to have considered.

I found a website that explained how to fix it. I had to partially take the pinter apart, but only a couple of steps. I had to remove a plastic outer cover and another little roller motor that was clipped in place. Once that shit was gone, I could look straight at the problem, grab the little white plastic arm, put it back on its post, snap it into place to re-engage the mechanism, and put everything back together. Now it’s fixed. Here’s the new problem that creates, though: because of this sort of basic design flaw, the same shit can happen again at any time. Perhaps it happened this time because we threw the printer in the trunk of the car and drove 2,200 miles to Maine. Perhaps now it won’t happen again. If it does, I’ll be ready.

After that, I pretty much felt like Hercules. “I am the doer of all difficult things!” This was fortunate, because little Horta began emitting glitter from her butt again! (As a reminder, it’s not really glitter, I’m just calling it that to make it easier to talk about.) This was an indication that the tapeworm medication we gave her a month ago didn’t quite do the trick, and they’ve come back, never having been completely eliminated the first time. To stop the butt glitter, I purchased, at great expense, a teeny bottle with three pills in it to treat ...glitter. The first time we did this, we didn’t get the full pill into the kitty, because Zach added it to some food, and the kitty didn’t eat all the food. But she seemed to have eaten enough; the glitter disappeared entirely.

Yesterday, I was sitting in the living room trying not to think about how much my back hurt, when I thought to myself, “Hey, we just saw glitter again this morning, for the first time since that medication. Horta is asleep on the sofa. Sleep is when the glitter comes out. I wonder if they’ve definitely come back.” Then, to my horror, I realized I could see some, you know, sparkles on the kitty from where I was sitting. At that point, with the glitter, and back pain, and coronavirus, and election, and everything, I decided it’d probably be best if I just locked us all into the trailer and burned it down. But I quickly rejected that idea! We had two of the expensive anti-glitter cat pills left, I just needed to give one to Horta. And I needed to make sure she took the whole pill. This meant I couldn’t add it to food, I had to stick it in her adorable little face and make her swallow it. This automatically made it a much more regrettable task than the printer repair. The printer doesn’t struggle and cry out in anguish because it thinks you’ve turned into a monster that’s force-feeding it poison.

And Horta is a little tube of muscles, all liquid and powerful, with way too much energy than she could ever use, so she put up quite a fight. First attempt went perfectly, in terms of me doing everything I should have done, except I didn’t put the pill far enough down her throat, and she just “Ptui!” spit it out. The second attempt was even less effective, because the kitty knew what to expect from me, but I failed to anticipate how much reaction to expect from the kitty. So basically that was the worst possible outcome. Kitty is now freaked, the pill is getting soggy and gross, and I’m obviously the worst kitty daddy in the known universe. At this point, I decided to just “man up” and make her take the pill, resistance be damned. I grabbed her as kindly but firmly as I could, opened her mouth, put the pill as far back as I could, closed her mouth, and massaged her throat, and (veterinarians say to do this) I blew air into her nose. They say blowing in a cat’s nose will trigger it to swallow. I think that’s about as likely as blowing in a cat’s nose making it give a lecture on jazz history, but I swear, it all seems to have worked. I got the pill into the kitty, and did not see it come back out. I immediately gave her treats, in case it didn’t go all the way in, to help shove the pill through.

Success! No more glitter. And since I was able to give her the whole pill, I’m hopeful that it will end the glitter permanently. If not, we have one more pill.

That’s my life for the past week. Back pain, cat glitter, and using my middle-class ingenuity and resourcefulness to solve a broken printer problem. Now I can continue on the movie guide! I’ve completed The List, my list of 61 scary movies which I’ll now tinker with to finalize, and write about. I’ve written the introduction, and I’m working on editing and improving it. I’ve begun writing a few of the entries, and since this is the meat of the book, I’m working on making them informative and humorous. Lots of editing and rewriting. What the hell, if I’m going to write this book, I might as well make anyone who picks it up want to keep reading, right? I want to be proud of this thing when I’m done with it. Then I’ll be in a better place from which to demand that publishers throw money at me for the privilege of publishing it. Then I get rich, and buy us all islands in the Bahamas.

More next week! All my love to you both!

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healthysideoflife · 8 years ago

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So to update you lovelies on my health pain thing from last week: The doctor told me to take 200mg of ibuprofen and use a heating pad. I did this until Saturday. It felt loads better on Friday, but since I drove 2 hours to my friends house, then 45 minutes to the cabin for her birthday womens' retreat weekend, and sat for the better part of our time there Friday, it acted up and so I used both medicine and heat. Saturday, though, it felt LOADS better and I only used the medicine. On Sunday, I took medicine only in the morning, and haven't taken any since then. I can't believe how quickly this whole thing turned around and how much better I feel. I'm truly grateful that I went to Urgent Care and took care of the situation. I had one of the best weekends I've probably had in a very long time. Like mentioned above, my best friend's 30th birthday was this past weekend. It was a women's retreat that was supposed to be filled with yoga, meditation, a women's circle, etc. However, all we did was eat a TON of food and chat nonstop. There was so much food that I felt like I was in Punta Cana again with the unlimited choices that there was. I ate as healthy as I could. I had some bananas and apples and fruit salad instead of other choices that were less than stellar. I indulged in some sweets (I mean, I had my period so I need me some chocolate), but didn't go over the limit. But what made the weekend so amazing was that I felt like I truly connected with some people on a deeper level. I talked with two girls about things that I don't really talk about with anyone, not only because I knew they'd understand (they are also gay), but also because I knew that they wouldn't judge. My best friend is the kind of person that is so loving of everyone and doesn't tolerate hate in any form, so I know that the women that were celebrating with her are an extension of that. We danced at a restaurant where a band was playing bluesy rock music, and at the end of the night, the owner got everyone there to sing happy birthday to her. It was a truly magical weekend. I left there feeling so happy and full of positivity that I'm finding all of the ways to make it last. It was emotionally overwhelming, but in the best way. For my friend's birthday present, I bought her cooking spoons (there's a story behind why), and used a wood burning tool to burn a mudcloth design into the handles. I looked on Pinterest for ideas and created my own design from 3 symbols. She absolutely loved them, so much that her and her mom showed them to everyone at the retreat as they came in the door. Everyone was so shocked that I made them and they thought they were just so cool. I had a lot of fun doing them, despite how time-consuming they were (took me about 12 hours total to do). I realized that I have a hidden talent and I should use it to make other things and sell them. Lately, I've been feeling like, while I make enough money to get by, I don't really make enough to be able to save up and be able to comfortably feel that I can buy expensive, but quality-made things, like well-made shoes or a beautiful blanket, etc. So over the course of the next few months, I'm planning on making things from wall hangings to more spoons, coasters, wedding things, ornaments, etc, and building up an inventory. Then I'm planning to sometime this year on opening an Etsy store to sell them. I don't know how well it'll work, but I know that people will buy what I create, I just need to start and not be scared of the "what if" and just do it. I also want to work on salt dough projects, too and sell those. So definitely plan to see some of that in the future! Every time I see my best, I leave her feeling so inspired and wanting to do it all. Its like my head is in the clouds; we're both such true dreamers. This time around, though, I felt really happy, just so insanely happy. I felt like I connected with people, I left realizing that I have the very beginnings of a small business forming, and I had this insane urge to purge myself and my life of all things that I don't need. Yesterday, I threw out around 10 books and plan to throw out more. I told my fiance that I want to go through my things in the basement and throw out things I don't need or use or plan to use. I want to fill my sun room with plants, on the shelves, hanging from the ceiling, etc. I want to hang up pretty lace curtains, and paint my house (I know that one will come with time). I feel like I've been in a rut and I'm so inspired and motivated to get out of it. This feeling of pure happiness, where my heart feels so full, is rare. And I'm going to do what I can to keep it there and never let it go.

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marchharris-blog · 5 years ago

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nurse harris

Riley IntellectualToday at 2:08 AM

Maddox had had a drink or two after the whole Peter fiasco, still not fully sure what had happened. He thought about trying to find another guy to flirt with and possibly make out with, but he wasn't feeling it so instead he managed to get an uber and practically stumble down the hall. Thank god he lived on the first floor. He ended up passing out in his bed not long after getting home, ignoring Harris' attempts to try and talk about his night.

The next morning, he woke up with a terrible hangover. He groaned and took several minutes to get out of bed, nearly stumbling over a bucket on the floor. He figured that Harris had put it there in case he needed to puke. Maddox walked out of his room. "Fuck. Never let me drink that much again." He said, rubbing his forehead as if that would make the pain go away.

ryroToday at 2:11 AM

Harris had been concerned for his friend. Maddox seemed angry, sad, and confused all at once the night before. Therefore, when the other came in, he tried to talk to him to no avail. So after that, he set him up for safety on his side with a puke bucket beside the bed, and he checked on the other once an hour, causing him not to get much sleep at all, but it was okay since it was his day off from the tea shop. He now sat on the kitchen counter with a hangover smoothie to his right and a cup of tea to his left for himself. When he saw his friend emerge he held out the smoothie, “Rough night then, sleeping beauty? Want to talk about it?”

Riley IntellectualToday at 2:27 AM

Maddox looked over at his best friend and then at the smoothie. "Bless you." He said, taking it and starting to sip it, trying not to feel nauseous. Maddox moved to sit down at the kitchen table, not sure he had the strength or will to stand much right now. "Yeah you could say that. Thanks for last night by the way. I'm sorry if I was a bitch to you." He said, running a hand through his hair. Maddox sighed and shrugged. "I don't know. It's stupid. You know how my day wasn't good yesterday and I told you I was going out. Well I ended up going to that club I said I wanted to check out." He said, starting his story, before drinking more of the smoothie, willing it to make him feel less like shit.

ryroToday at 2:29 AM

“My dad’s old trick to curing his hangovers,” he stated bluntly with a smile. Of course, Maddox had tried the March On Hangover Cure before. It was nothing special, but it always seemed to work. “You weren’t a bitch,” he said as he sipped at the tea. “You blew me off, but that’s how I knew it was a bad night.” He winced as the other described the night’s beginning, “Was it a bad club? Creepy people there?”

Riley IntellectualToday at 2:39 AM

"Well bless him then I guess." He replied with a small smile. Maddox didn't know what he would have done, had the other not been there. Probably taken some advil and tried to go back to bed. Bed honestly didn't sound like such a terrible place to be right now. "Well that's good. It's a little fuzzy at that point." Maddox chuckled at the question, but then thought about it. "No and yes?" He replied, as if not really sure. "Um the club wasn't bad, it was pretty cool actually. But anyway this guy, fuck what was his name? Oh right Peter. He offered to buy me a drink and flirted with me and things were going good right? Well his boss or whatever, he's the kinda creepy one which is why I said yes. But yeah his boss man ended up pulling him away from me and he like got in trouble for talking with me. I don't know it was weird." He said, propping his head up with his hand.

ryroToday at 2:42 AM

He watched as Maddox drank the concoction, happy it was him drinking it and not himself. Sometimes, it was truly grotesque. He still remembered the first time his dad made him one. As Maddox described his night, Harris only sat there drinking his tea and listening closely. "Do you think Peter was like his... Most bosses don't get possessive over their employees kissing people off the clock. Did Peter work at the club or something? Maybe the creepy dude didn't want a bad name... Still leaves a bad taste in my mouth." Unlike the mint tea which left a great taste in his mouth. "Did you get a last name on the dude? I can look him up."

Riley IntellectualToday at 2:53 AM

Maddox continued to make himself drink the smoothie, though he stopped when he started feeling like he was going to puke. This reminded him of back when ha partied a lot. Right now he definitely didn't miss those days. "I don't know. I think I asked if he was his boyfriend and Peter said no. I'm not fully sure. He talked about being a bartender but he's still training or something." He said, trying to recall the details. "Peter seemed apologetic like he didn't want to leave." Maddox shook his head before quickly stopping and holding his head. "No don't do that." He said more to himself than Harris. "No last name but he's at the club a lot."

ryroToday at 3:02 AM

"It's definitely fishy," he stated, finally hopping down from the counter and walking over to sit at the table by his friend. He didn't particularly like when something seemingly hurt Maddox this much, but Harris was a very go with the flow kind of guy. "It sounds like we've got a mystery on our hands, and if you want to get to the bottom of it, I can go to the club with you next time. Maybe Peter's trapped by that creepy dude or something and it's not right to not help him out of it... Or we could let fate decide. Get you over this hangover and find some other club in town where even cuter boys probably hang out."

Riley IntellectualToday at 3:18 AM

"Ugh don't mention fish." He said making a face. He tried to focus on the smoothie which wasn't a lot better. "Yeah cause I needed a mystery in my life." He said rolling his eyes. "Maybe you can come with me next time. Like I said I do like the club." He pointed out. "I don't know if trapped is a correct way to describe it, but maybe." He shrugged. "I mainly just want to get over this hangover." He replied, not really thinking much about cute guys or anything like that at the moment. He finished off the smoothie, and pushed the cup away.

ryroToday at 3:21 AM

"Sorry, sorry," he laughed and raised his hands. "What is life if not a mystery, my dear Hatfield?" If he had a blunt or a fake pipe, he would complete his Sherlock impression with a puff, but sadly, it was too early for that. "You know I always love clubbing, so I'm down." To the maybe over Peter being trapped, Harris furrowed his brow. Even a little doubt about that wasn't good. He would have to look into it. "Okay, okay, I'll help you get over the hangover. After you finish that, it's ibuprofen and water time. Then, maybe back to bed for a bit?"

Riley IntellectualToday at 11:32 AM

He chuckled at Harris question. "Normally I'd be all for it but not when I feel like death. Seriously how the hell did we deal with this when we were younger?" He asked. "Yeah I know you are. Should have probably just brought you last night." He said, rubbing at his eyes. "Yeah bed does sound kind of nice." He said, yawning as if on cue. "The shop can just be closed today." He said. They were still fairly new anyways so it wasn't like one day would lose them a lot of business and what was the point of owning a business if you couldn't decide when you wanted to take off?

ryroToday at 1:27 PM

“More stamina,” he nodded and finished off his tea. “Hey, I was exhausted from the shop, so maybe it’s best that I stayed home. I would have gotten cranky with people.” He never really got cranky, but if it made Maddox feel better about not inviting him. “Are you sure? I can go in. It should be a slower day today and all.”

Riley IntellectualToday at 1:32 PM

"Yeah I guess." He said, rubbing his head again. "Yeah? It wasn't the best day for either of us was it?" He nodded slowly. "You don't have to. I mean I doubt we'll have a riot or anything if we don't open. If you really want to go in though I won't stop you though." He said, looking over at the other.

ryroToday at 1:40 PM

Harris stretched his hands over his head and stood from the table, "It really wasn't. I never knew that people could yell as loud as that lady did when I told her we didn't have oatmeal raison in stock." He chucked and shook his head, "Dude, I don't mind. It gives me a purpose for the day, and if someone yells at me, I can shrug it off. You enjoy a day in."

Riley IntellectualToday at 1:46 PM

"Yeah I don't know what her problem was. I mean cookies are great with tea but its not the end of the world." He said with a sigh. "You sure?" Maddox asked, wondering how he'd been so lucky to have a friend like that. "If you insist, but promise me you'll call if there's any sort of problem." He said giving him a look.

ryroToday at 2:09 PM

"Plus, you make far better cookies. Almost offered her one of the special ones to see if it would calm her down," he joked and moved to take the cup and saucer over to the sink. "I'm always sure-- except when I'm not. But, today I'm sure, so I'll go to the store, call you for any problems, and give you nothing to worry about."

Riley IntellectualToday at 2:25 PM

"Very true. But you're much better at cooking than I am." He pointed out. Maddox laughed, wondering what would have happened if Harris had given her one. "Might have just made her really paranoid." He said with a shrug. "Ok. Ok. Thanks, Harris. You're the best." He said smiling at him.

ryroToday at 2:27 PM

"Exactly-- like that smoothie you're holding there," he jested and tapped the side of the glass. "Paranoid or she could have ratted us out if she knew what the effects were. Some people are like that." Harris ruffled his friend's hair before walking towards his own bedroom. "I'll get ready now then. You try to keep the smoothie down, yeah? It'll help."

Riley IntellectualToday at 2:55 PM

"Not your best tasting, that's for sure." He said. "Yeah very true. It's so unfortunate it's illegal here." He said with a sigh. He smiled at the touch to his hair, reaching up to try and fix it afterwards. "Yeah I'm going to try and get some more sleep. Good luck." He said, moving to stand up and going back to his room.

ryroToday at 3:02 PM

Harris stuck out his time as he entered the room before calling back, "It really makes you miss Colorado, doesn't it? But, Illinois has been nice enough, I guess." After throwing on a clean shirt and pants he once again called back, "Sleep well!"

#discord thread ;;#breakingmaddox

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julesdelorme · 6 years ago

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JULES’ TRAINING & DIET DIARY

POWER & CORE STRENGTH PHASE WEEK 3 NOV 4 – NOV 10

“A man who fears suffering is already suffering from what he fears.”

Michel de Montaigne

Third Week of 4 week Phase: Power & Core Strength. Still feeling pretty good. Not feeling stressed or overtrained, despite going at it pretty hard. Not sure if this can be chalked up to my Kratom experiment, but this has been the first time that I’ve been able to push myself and not feel like my health is hanging by a thread. I still have to odd bad day. Don’t think it’s a coincidence that those are the days off from the Kratom. I want to emphasize again though that these bad days don’t feel like I’m going through withdrawals. While I’ve never had a strong chemical addiction before I’ve witnessed close up enough and studied enough about drug withdrawal symptoms. I’m not unusually nauseous, jittery nor do I feel any kind of desire to take the Kratom on the days off. I just notice the pain more. I still think that it’s a good idea to take days off so as not to develop any kind of dependence or tolerance. At this point I definitely believe that the Kratom is making a big difference. And I’m grateful that I finally have been able to put together more than a few weeks of training without falling apart. I cannot say yet though whether or not there is a direct connection.

SUNDAY NOV 4: Started the day well. Felt like I slept very deeply. Even got in that extra hour of sleep from the Daylight savings fall back. Started the day with a Smudge. Full 24 Hour Cleansing Fast starting last night at 8 pm. Started out with a Dog Run with Sprints to Townson Fitness. Worked with Matt. Felt very alert and creative. Was active during parts of the session. Boxing Focused Hip and Cored Strength and Power Workout- Began with work on Movement and Footwork. Still focused on power and explosion, but worked combinations as well. Felt good and focused throughout. 1 more Boxing Trainee. Maintained Fast through to 8 PM. Walked Momo with Light Footwork drills when I got home, before breaking Fast. Broke Fast. High Protein and Healthy. Stopped by 10 pm. A little later than usual. Too tired for anything but TV to wind down.

MONDAY NOV 5: Yet another good night of sleep. Lighter day. Which is good after yesterday. which was a longer and more intense day. Once again, I’m not actually in that great pain, which is still a surprise. Neither my muscles are particularly sore or the parts of my body that took damage during the grappling sections, though my right knee aches a bit. Still healing. Indoor Bodyweight Functional Circuit: Kept it brief, and not very intense. Even though I’m not feeling muscle pain yet, I do not want to push my body, particularly at the age of 57, past its limits. 2 Tri Sets Each of: High Pistol Squats(Start at the top of a Pistol Squat Position and lower as far as you can) x 10 Reps Each Leg. with Wide Grip Pull Ups to failure & 2 Negative Only Reps, with and Bar Push Ups/ Side Thrust Kick Squats(Lower on one Leg and Thrust out in a Side Kick Position as you lower) x 10 Reps, with Parallel Grip Pull Ups to failure & 2 Negative Only Reps, with, with Bar Push Ups. That’s it. That’s all. Got some writing done. Home. Diet wasn’t healthy today. Ate out and just gave myself permission to eat what I wanted. Stopped eating by 10 pm. Wrote & Read to wind down.

TUESDAY NOV 6: Bit of a restless night. Got some sleep, though. Finally had that bad day. Struggling with pain. Right knee meniscus so bad that I screamed out loud a few times today. Piggybacking Kratom, Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen. Helped dull the pain enough so that I could get through my day. Smudge. Dog Run(Jog only. Actually tired to sprint. Couldn’t). Was able to pull it together to get in an Hip and Core Strength and Power Workout.(You can find videos of some of these exercises in the Hitt_Scarborough FB Page, or at HITT_Pt Instagram) 2 SuperSets Each of: Barbell Sit Up Overhead Press x 10 and Hip Heist Overhead Barbell Swing x 10/ Medicine Ball Closed Guard Reverse Crunch x 15 with One Leg Hip Heist x 10/ Stability Ball Heel Hook Reverse Crunches x 15, with Stability Ball Hip Heists x 15/ Stability Ball Sit Ups x 15, with Thigh Squeeze Hip Heist & Roll x 15/ Seated Series Yoga. That’s all. Kept it brief and simple. Knee pain so bad that when I got home and walked Momo, needed a walking stick. Still got in some light Iaijutsu Cutting Practice. Healthy high Protein Diet. Stopped by 9 pm. Ice and Elevation for the knee. (Haven’t been doing this. Counting on the knee pain to just go away. Even trainers can be stupid sometimes.) TV and old movie to wind down.

WEDNESDAY NOV 7: Another restless night. Today was a rest day. Good, thing, because I was in quite a bit of pain, both DOS and my knee. That right knee is still in a lot of pain. Again. Taking day off from supplements as always on rest days. Had to depend heavily on piggybacking Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen. Spent the day at home. Did my best to stay off my feet. Watched TV and hung out with Momo, but didn’t walk him. He’s struggling to walk as well. Those rear hips are giving him a lot of pain. Gave him lots of massages and butt rubs. Just making that effort with him made me feel a lot less involved in my own pain. TV to wind down.

https://www.facebook.com/HITTScarborough/

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