#its December and im back on my bullshit

[vixialuvs]

FLOWERS IN DECEMBER !

୨୧. pairing - yang jungwon x reader

୨୧. CW - angst to fluff. hurt/comfort, yelling, established relationship, non!idol jungwon, you go to the same uni and live tg, suggestive at the end

୨୧. summary - you and jungwon get into an argument, and he accidentally raises his voice and yells at you, causing you to start crying.

୨୧. a/n - this is lwk really bad guys i’m sorry…

︵‿︵‿୨♡୧‿︵‿︵

december 20 was supposed to be just a normal day for you and your boyfriend of 3 years, jungwon. it was just another day of you overworking yourself at home, while he’s out with his friends. you don’t even check the time, too busy trying to understand punnett squares to care. the sun slowly disappears, leaving you to turn on a lamp so you can see the papers infront of you. your phone gets a call, but it is on do not disturb, so you wont see it.

two hours later, now one am, the entire dormitory silent, and here you are, still working. you are running on five cups of coffee and two oreos, but are starving and so tired. suddenly the door to your dorm opens, you can hear it through the thin walls but don’t get up because you already know its jungwon. you feel too dizzy to even move, just returning to your work. he comes into your shared bedroom, looking upset and worried.

“y/n? i was calling you. why didn’t you pick u—” he pauses in his sentence when he sees you hunched over your desk, taking notes on some stupid biology video. “y/n. we talked about this, okay? you can’t keep doing this, its so frustrating.. please. im worried about you. have you even eaten?” he says, his voice involuntarily getting stern.

you look up at him, letting out a soft sigh as your tired eyes meet his annoyed ones. “i’ve eaten a couple oreos. i’m fine, won. just.. go to bed okay?” you mutter, not wanting to argue with him. he isnt having it and snatches your pen out of your hand, earning an immediate “hey!” from you. he glares at you, actually getting mad you are doing this to yourself. “y/n a couple oreos isnt good enough. you need to be eating more then that. i’m not going to bed unless your coming with me.” he sounds pissed.. it makes you slightly nervous but you stand your ground.

you get up and off your chair, now standing infront of him as you cross your arms over your chest. “give me my damn pen.” you say defiantly, beginning to also get defensive but keeping your voice at a normal level. jungwon, however, is not as patient as you. his voice gets a bit higher, just ever so slightly. “no. your going to bed. now. i’m tired of this bullshit.” he protests, gripping your pen.

“jungwon come on, stop it. i’m almost done.. just-” you start, but he cuts you off. he really doesn’t mean to and doesn’t want to hurt you but raises his voice significantly. “no! stop it! just COME TO BED! i’m sick and tired of your shit, y/n! i already fucking told you! just stop this! god!” he shouts, but pauses and feels the instant regret once he sees you tense up and start to visibly tremble. he takes a step toward you and you take a step back.

“y/n, sweetheart, please baby.. i didn’t mean to yell.. i’m so sorry.. what are you doing..?” his voice is quiet now and his eyes are filled with fear as he watches you grab a pillow and a blanket from the closet and leave the room. he follows you like a scared puppy and his eyes go wide once he sees you setting up camp on the couch. he slumps against the wall and sighs quietly, deciding to try and give you space.

that night he lays restless in your bed, laying on the side you should be on, but you are passed out on the couch. he needs you in his arms, unable to even sleep without you, so he gives up trying to leave you alone and makes his way to the living room where you lie, asleep. he kneels down at your side and gently lifts you into his arms, bridal style, careful to not wake you. he brings you back into the bedroom and lays you on the bed, crawling in beside you. he immediately turns your sleeping body over and buries his face in your neck, his arms wrapping tight around you as he almost instantly drifts off.

in the morning, you are the first to wake, noticing you aren’t on the couch anymore, and instead in your bed, jungwon completely sprawled on top of you. he’s hugging you with an iron grip, as if you’ll leave if he loosens up. you sigh, remembering the events of last night, your head falling back on the pillow. your hand comes up to caress his hair, waiting until he stirs so the two of you can talk. eventually, he does, burying his head further into your neck and mumbling your name, his lips ghosting across your sensitive skin. you tilt his chin up to look at his face, which looks stressed and you can tell he was crying last night while he held you, dried tears on his cheeks.

“i’m so sorry my baby. i didn’t mean to yell at you. i’m just so worried about you and i want you to take care of yourself. i don’t think you understand how much i love you, sweetheart. i love you more then i love myself. i’d seriously take a bullet for you. please forgive me, y/n. i’ll make it up to you honey, i swear.” he says quietly, his voice laced with sleep, as he lays his head on your chest and caresses your neck. you let out the smallest sigh and kiss his head.

“you know i can’t stay mad at you ever, won. i forgive you. i’m sorry for always being a pain in your ass, always worrying you and being stubborn when you try to help me. i’ll be better, okay? i pinky promise.” you softly intertwine your pinkies and kiss it, giving him the tiniest smile. he sits up on you and leans down to kiss your lips, with a sudden fervor. it makes you whine with need, the way his touch feels so apologetic as he gently parts your thighs, nestling himself between them as he kisses down your stomach.

“let me make it up to you, yeah?” he murmurs, looking up at you with a knowing smirk, lust prevalent in his gaze.

︵‿︵‿୨♡୧‿︵‿︵

@vixialuvs . don’t steal my work !

[emmkitt]

y do u think theres gonna be 4 parts? i curious :3

well for one, im stupid. and for two. uh. i actually cant rember.

part of me feels like 3 would be too obvious

also season 4. the folder

also i saw something before on like reddit or something about how the thing all the og deleted contestants had in common was they all placed fourth in a season. excpet oj. but oj was eliminated fourth in a season. and box was too. and box is already dead probably. and that covers all the contestants eliminated or who placed fourth. except lightbulb. but shes also dead now so its fine.

also mephoneFOUR

dude id actually be an AWESOME conspiracy theorist all of this is probably just coincidental bullshit. i think its most likely there will be 3 acts and thats it. but part of me prays for 4.

although seeing as theres still so many things left to resolve. steve cobs and mephone, 3gs, purgatory mansion guys, the shimmers, zoetrope come back,,,,, i HOPE they dont try to resolve it in one more act. and if they DO, hopefully its like an hour long or something.

(oh also i think it was brian who said the series was gonna end around christmas. so if we follow the same episode monthly thing. two more acts would put the show end in december)

oh also my current follower count

[nightfall-1409]

Oops so that was a while!

Nightfall Update ahead of the holidays! (and a push for myself to, blog again). some details under the cut but tl;dr it's been a while but im back here and trying to be back here! with new stuff! And updates to certain things too damn!

Rough year for me! Probably for many people really :(

good stuff first

uhhh biggest news is that through all the bullshit i was able to participate in the clone bang. The last 6 weeks of my life have been so stressful bc I had to write like 80% of the damn fic. It's a 125k monster of a fic that i feel quite proud of, the last 45k of it was written in literally the last two weekends. upcoming details in a promo post as soon as I hear back from my last artist <3

With that, though, my creative writing juices thoroughly uh. revitalized. to recovene followers: ezra chapter is coming soon :) that was a mean cliffhanger, i did not expect for my brain to literally commit mutiny :( sorry

I hope to have that done before bang posting starts (December baby here we come)

uhhhh only other thing is I am attending sanfrancisco expo ! lookin forward 2 that as well.

some generalized health stuff. the heat stroke i suffered last year was apparently maybe not a heat stroke (noted by the fact I was consistently worsening) and that sentence is still terrifying to me bc as i recall i couldnt fuckin read or turn around without wanting to fall over for like a month and a half there. But. whatever. It was a slow decline for a while, I was still getting some stuff out, but eventually, the amt of pain i was in overwhelmed me in june n it consumed me whole from july - august with slow improvement happening from then on.

it took me. quite a long time to see a specialist (and it was originally going to be longer! haha!) , but i've been seen. and am on treatment. and it sucks bc flashing lights still kill me (including literally shadows of the setting sun through a line of trees and a CEILING FAN are you KIDDING ME) and migraines r like. my best most toxic friend <3 it's so overrrr. We do not know what happened beyond my facial nerves just deciding to go balling insane. L. or what started that. L. But its finally getting better!! yay. we're so back.

to the ppl who've reached out 2 me / tagged me / putstuff in my inbox in ao3 or thought about me ;w; bro.. thank you !!! it killed me all the time bc it was like. I wanted to participate!! I want to have fun!! but the amt of energy things took. insane. but it was nice to be thought abt regardless. I want to be back now and have fun again. have a lovely night <3

[cryleforhelp]

do you have any k2 fanfic recommendations??

HI ANO N Very honored u came to me for this lol i'm also going to be including fic recs my friends gave to me because i haven't been reading (ive been busy lately!) fic recs below the cut!

Mysterion Begins | K2/Kysterion | T | TW: None author: indirectkissesiniceland I'm still reading this! The chapters feel short but the pacing + story is so good. Kenny and Kyle's relationship in here is sooo ;;_;; it's so soft to me and I'm such a sucker for pining.

SUMMARY: Four years of college didn't get Kyle any closer to figuring out what he wants to do with his life, but his friend Jimmy pulls through for him with an opening in the newspaper office where he works. Newbies have never been known to get glamorous work, of course, and Kyle's first assignment proves it: a filler piece on a costumed vigilante calling himself "Mysterion." When a dangerous situation brings him face-to-face with the hero himself, however, Kyle—and the growing number of readers his articles on the friendly neighborhood superhero bring in—seeks the answer to a question that burns within him: Who is Mysterion? it's three am, i hope you're home | K2/Kysterion | T | TW: None author: JuniperTrees AGH.. SORRY I'M A SUCKER FOR KYSTERION. THIS ONE WAS VERY GOOD, I want to tell you my favorite part but I don't want to spoil it for you!! I think when you read it, you'll know which part it is (hint: it's near the end. LMFAO) SUMMARY: Kyle knows what he wants, but Mysterion keeps climbing in through his window. back to december | K2 | T | TW: None author: JuniperTrees AJGSKLKJHFG9AOJLGKHSHSJODGDKLHJSAGNBLDKFSHJSJGISLKBMSDHJSOIGKLSAGJNASKHSAJSGJSALDK TTHE Y FALL IN LOVE. AND THEY GROW OLD. AND THEY LOVE EACH OTHER. One of my favorite fics, I just really love seeing K2 grow up together and the way the author wrote it was phenomenal. SUMMARY: Kenny has always been involved with Kyle’s holiday celebrations in one way or another. Take Me High and I'll Sing | K2/Kysterion | E | TW: domestic violence, smut author: Courtanie sorry for being kysterion trash i didnt mean it. i actually really enjoyed this fic, i think the author did a great job on portraying kyle's character when it comes to him being concerned about kenny being mysterion (idk if that makes sense). it gave me a rollercoaster of feeLS and ugh... its... its soft. im so bad at giving opinions im sorry LMFAO SUMMARY: For far too many years Kyle has watched Kenny slipping in and out of his heroic persona, wondering each night if it would be their last together. But when it's his needs stacked against the safety of the rest of their town, finding common ground is far more difficult than either of them could have accounted for. Lionheart | K2, Creek | T | TW: None author: indirectkissesiniceland i haven't read this one, yet! though, my good friends recommended it twice AND it's by indi so i trust that this is v v v v good :) SUMMARY: For far too many years Kyle has watched Kenny slipping in and out of his heroic persona, wondering each night if it would be their last together. But when it's his needs stacked against the safety of the rest of their town, finding common ground is far more difficult than either of them could have accounted for.

Ok, Cupid It Isn't Funny Anymore | K2 | T | TW: None author: Courtanie this one is my favorite because i love the oblivious pining and k2 being the dumbest people on planet earth when it comes to each other. stan is so sick of their bullshit here KLJDSGLKSGJSDFLKJ SUMMARY: Years of sabotaging one another's dates and dancing around feelings have led Kenny and Kyle to fall into states of pitiable loneliness. Living under the same roof sure doesn't help the situation, but some vodka might. Playback | K2 | T | TW: None author: Corrupted_Quiet i love britney spears ok and kenny here loves her too. this is one of my favorite fics !! i hope you like it as much as i did too, i thought it was really cute and the way author uses music here is fun! SUMMARY: Kenny's always listened pop music, with its bumping beats, simple lyrics, and easiness at capturing the complexities of love. Sometimes he feels himself in those songs, especially when pining over Kyle Broflovski. No one else knows that part, though, secret kept between himself and his playlist of Britney songs. But one day, his music decides to stop playing quietly, and start blasting out of his head. Oh, baby, baby, how was he supposed to know?

Daywalkerpox | K2/Kysterion (Side Stendy & Creek) | E | TW: sexual content author: Zormikea THIS WAS THE FIC THAT MADE ME SHIP K2 EVEN FURTHER. I have to reread this fic because it's been a while but oh my god i could not stop reading it when i first saw it.. SUMMARY: It’s not love. It’s not affection. It must be a disease, then.

Kyle wonders if it’s curable. Kenny knows it isn’t. Peering Through Windows | K2, Cryle (Side Stendy) | E | TW: graphic depictions of violence, non-con, major character death, sexual content author: jwink85 PLEASE be super cautious going into this fic as it does include a lot of heavy topics and depictions of said warnings listed above. that being said, this was one of the first fics that i read coming back to the fandom (i found it through the animatic based off this fic LOL). personally i like it, i really enjoy the author's storytelling here and how she takes care of certain events happening in the fic. i get that this might not be everyone's cup of tea though! please note that craig here plays a heavy villain in this story and kyle is the victim of the villain in this story, so if they're one of your favorite characters and you don't want to see them this way i think it's best to avoid this one! SUMMARY: Kyle was so in love with the good doctor until he revealed himself to be a monster...by then, it was too late. Fell In Love with a Dead Boy | K2 | T | TW: None (character death but it's kenny's) author: spirograph I NEVER READ THIS ONE!! BUT MY FRIEND SAID THIS AS A RECOMMENDATION SO I'm going to put this down here for you! I hope you like it, anon! SUMMARY: In the 3rd grade Kenny dies for the first time. OKAY, I'll stop here. Let me know what you think when you read some of these, anon!!!!! if i had to suggest what to start off with first i'd suggest mysterion begins and/or daywalkerpox!!!!! two very very very good fics!!!!!!!! if i have anymore in mind, i'll reblog this with add ons!!!!!!!!!!! :DDD @herbietales and @allymumu helped me out with fic recs so if needed, you can ask them too!! <333

[wickedworm]

hey all! i know its been a minute but i was writing this little cringe ass blurb and havent finished it. i got some inspiration from the lovely @golden-gypsy after she sent me an ask nearly a year ago 😅 this has been living in my drafts for a while. im not sure if ill finish it unforunately. things have been weird and ive been going through my adhd cycle of interests where i dump the last one and move onto the next. anyway, enjoy whatever the hell this is.

December, 1994

Jerry

This is fucking pathetic. It's midnight, it's freezing, and I'm alone on the street, calling my wife on a payphone.

I stood out in the freezing Seattle cold, clutching a payphone as I called my wife. I wanted to laugh at myself for how pitiful it all seemed. I've barely talked to her - shit, I haven't even seen her since I went to Oklahoma. We talked on the phone but I never had much to say. And I didn't really know what to say. But I thought about her. I thought about her all the fucking time. And I would've actually talked to her, made that effort, had I felt worthy of it. I didn't deserve it. It wasn't fair to her. I needed to get my shit together.

When I came back to Washington, I tried to give Raven - and myself - plenty of time. I didn't want to go home right away, I wanted to try to get back into the swing of things. I set up some dates to write and rehearse with Sean and Mike. When that all fell through, I got pretty discouraged. I went from motel to motel, couch to couch, trying to write some of my own stuff. I was pretty much living in my car for that whole week. And I just wrote. A lot. I wrote about everything, but especially her. It felt like I would never stop.

And it hit me that I had freewill. I could just go to her. I could turn on the engine and drive home.

I was sitting in my car that night, trying to get at least a little sleep. But I couldn't stop thinking of Raven. I thought maybe I could get to sleep easier thinking of her. I imagined her next to me, leaning on my

shoulder and pointing at stars through the windshield. Tracing out constellations I've never heard of with her finger.

"Are you sure?" I asked, trying not to sound or feel like a begging dog.

"Just come home, Jer."

I'm not ready. I can't go back. I don't deserve her. I can't break her heart anymore.

Her voice, even over the crackling of the payphone, was soft and tired. But soothing. I could imagine her face, resembling her voice. There was moonlight shining through the window and over her face,

reflecting in her eyes. I pictured her holding the phone in one hand, and with her other hand she twirled and tangled the cord between her fingers.

"I just- I d-don't-" Fuck.

I leaned my head against the steering wheel, hoping the cold leather against my forehead would help me think straight.

I slammed the phone down. What the fuck is wrong with me? I can't even get a full sentence out and I'm completely sober. She wants me home. I don't know what to do. I went back to my car and threw

the door shut.

'Just come home, Jer.'

Her voice repeated in my head. Her soft, gentle voice. Just come home.

I sat back up. Ok, I'm going home.

Raven

I sat on the porch steps, waiting in the dark and cold for Jerry. I fidgeted with the frayed edge of the blanket I wrapped myself in, couldn't help but feel nervous. What would I see in front of me when he arrives? Would he look the same? Sound and feel the same? Or would he be completely different? It had only been a year since I'd seen him, but was that normal for a married couple? Maybe it was,

considering our circumstances. But I'd be lying if I said I didn't spend that year worried sick about him. And I'd definitely be lying if I said I didn't miss him. It tore me up to see him the way he was before

he left. And it tore me up to not see him at all.

Over the phone, he tried to make it sound like he didn't need help. If only he knew just how much I can see through his bullshit. I mean, he articulated his emotions very well, he wasn't afraid to show or

tell people how he felt. But in the past few years, there were times when he really shut down. Especially when Layne started to lose himself.

I blamed myself a lot for what happened. I thought if I kept myself calm and collected, Jerry maybe wouldn't have left the way he did. I remember I could physically feel my heart breaking when I watched

him storm out of the door. I know he wouldn't have done that had he not been under so much pressure. He couldn't take anymore of it.

I must have fallen asleep on the porch waiting for him. I jumped awake at the sound of him shutting his truck door. I immediately shivered, noticed it was snowing. Through the flakes, I looked up at Jerry. The fading porch light just barely made him visible.

I remember I called Sean a few hours after Jerry left the house and felt my stomach drop when he said he hadn't seen him. Then he called me the next morning saying he turned up at his apartment,

hungover and soaking wet from the rain. He put Jer on the phone, he told me he was sorry and he was going to leave for a while. Then he told me he loved me and hung up. He didn't let me get a word in.

I was relieved that he was ok. But I was scared, too. And even still, I wasn't sure what of.

"Have you been out here this whole time?" He took a few steps toward me.

His voice. It's him.

I jumped up to my feet and nearly tackled him to the ground. He lifted me up off the ground into his arms. I squeezed as hard as I could, needing to feel him to make sure he was real and that he was ok. I breathed in his scent, the usual old spice and tobacco.

"Come on." He held me close to him and carried me inside.

"I missed you," He whispered into my hair and hugged me tight. "I'm sorry for everything."

I don't know what came over me but I just couldn't let go. I felt a lump in my throat and I didn't bother holding it back, he couldn't see me cry anyway. Not with my face buried deep in his jacket. I could

barely breathe but I didn't care.

He set me down and I grabbed his face before I could even put my feet on the ground. I've been waiting for those words.

"What took you so long?" I could barely get it out, I choked through the words.

"I'm sorry."

I didn't want to go back to that.

I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry. He said it but why didn't it feel like enough? In the months before he left, I spent more nights alone in bed than I did with him next to me, where he was supposed to be. He

was somewhere else, doing God knows what at God knows where. There were days where I'd be worried sick about him, only for him to show up drunk later that night.

Jerry

"God, I missed you." She whispered, her voice just barely audible in the quiet of the house.

She didn't let go for a long time, and I just let her. She had to be freezing. I could feel the sting of her cold fingers against my neck as she held onto me. I shut the door behind us with my foot and felt the

warmth of the house envelop us. When I set her down, she pulled away and looked at me. I saw my wife for the first time in a year. And she looked the same. Did I think she'd be different?

"You ok?" Her voice was small, but I could sense her concern.

Her cheeks were red and cold. I didn't even realize I was touching her face until she leaned into my hand. Flecks of white snow dotted her dark curls and I wiped one away from her eyebrow. Even in the

cold winter, the freckles spread across her face were still prominent. Like a beam of sunlight always followed her. I just stared. I felt like a little kid, gawking at a beautiful girl.

I snapped out of whatever trance I was in, just enough to nod and reassure her.

"Ok." She mouthed.

Raven

I traced my fingers over his face, his stubble. I smiled to myself, realizing his goatee was gone. He knew I hated it.

"I like this." I told him while holding his jaw.

He chuckled. "Yeah. I know."

[teecupangel]

here im once again, tbh i feel the comic is startying to feel like te AC movie. Also interested on the "Who is the fhater?" thing going on. And yeah we have another one on the bingo "family problems"

My thoughts on Chapters 1, 2, 3, 4 and 5

Official English translation (the free chapters anyway) here

Kenway Daddy Issues plays a major part in this one, that's for sure.

My main takeaway is…

Ah. I’ve been unnecessarily torturing Desmond because I've desynced soooo many times due to fall damage… Sorry, Desmond.

But see, that’s my problem with this setup though.

This seems… too dramatic?

Because let’s remember that at this point, we already have the Animus that is being used by Abstergo Entertainment AND it's a mainly a headset. (Let's remember this is the Animus that they used to check Edward's memories back in Black Flag as well so it works with Edward's memories so this isn't a case of "oh those Animus can't watch memories like the big ones" because these headset Animi were the main Animus that Black Flag, Rogue, Unity and Syndicate used)

But Noa’s Animus as seen above looks more like Abstergo’s Animus from AC1 with its overhead transparent screen-like thing and the fact that it keeps the subject flat.

It's even look more similar to the one Desmond was forced to use than the Animus Layla stole in Origin:

(We're not comparing it to the Odyssey and Valhalla Animus because those have been modified by Layla and her team.)

So this mean, in terms of looks, Noa's Animus is most similar to an older Animus version.

This is weird because why is the Templars or Abstergo using a variation (and deadlier version) of an old model?

My theory is that they’re a rogue team and this entire thing has not been approved by Abstergo at all because there is one important plot point that they have yet to tackle:

“Why do they need Noa Kim’s genetic memories in the first place?”

The memory they’re looking for is from 1725

AND Noa’s DNA states specifically that he has Iroquois DNA

Then that means he came from the Edward-Haytham-Ratonhnhaké:ton line because that’s more believable than “Oh, Edward had a one-night stand/affair with someone before/while he’s married to Tessa AND just so happened to have an Iroquois ancestor LIKE Ratonhnhaké:ton”

This means that Haytham was probably born prematurely for this entire thing to work since we do know Edward was still in Macau on February 1725 and Haytham was born in December 1725.

Aaaannndd we’re back to the Desmond is Noa’s biological dad theory OR the William Miles is Noa’s biological dad theory BUT here’s the thing though.

If he is Ratonhnhaké:ton’s descendant then that means any and all genetic memory that Noa might have of Edward Kenway is in Desmond’s genetic memories EVEN IF they are not ‘closely’ related (I call bullshit if they’re not AND I don’t even like the theory that Desmond is Noa’s biological father, ELIJAH IS SEVERELY HORRIBLY NEGLECTED BY UBISOFT ALREADY!!!) because if Ratonhnhaké:ton is both Noa and Desmond’s ancestors, even if they had different ancestors after Ratonhnhaké:ton, their genetic memories of Edward stops at the same place: the conception of Haytham Kenway.

This means that there’s no need for Abstergo to take Noa because they still have Sample 17.

The same thing they used to watch Edward’s memories in Black Flag in the first place.

Abstergo would have a better time getting some poor intern(s) checking Edward Kenway’s later memories (Noob style) than

Kidnapping Noa Kim

Hiding him somewhere

Making sure no one would look for him

Forcing him into the Animus

And doing all this manipulation and threatening bullshit

In conclusion, I propose the following theory:

The people who kidnapped Noa are a rogue team affiliated with the Templars and/or Abstergo and are doing this on their own without the Inner Sanctum’s approval.

(Oh, and ‘Shimazu’ is acting like a bitch version of Sofia Rikkin and this does have AC Movie vibes to it and, I’m saying this as someone who rewatches the AC movie whenever I’m stressed to relax, that is not a comparison this webtoon would probably want to have right now)

[rarepairnation]

hiiii denethor anon here!! wow you’re really IN IT now (denethorposting). not to add more fuel to your anger but last week i saw someone say they hated denethor. and i just realised god they don’t get him even on tumblr do they. since then i’ve been silently fuming in rage. anyway… i am very Very Intrigued by both your faramir-goes-to-rivendell-au and denethor-thorongil relationship (if you ever want to write another 800 words about this, i am here for it 👀) and this line “each of them sharpens himself upon the whetstone of the other…” fuck. fucking insane actually.

unfortunately i won’t be replying for several days (i’ve had to keep my phone in another room to keep myself from getting distracted) . my exams have started AND i’m going through some shit irl :( it’s alright tho i’ll have more Faramir and Denethor Hours soon <- chanting this constantly haha. but i am with you when denethorposting IN SPIRIT okay. oh and can we please please please have denethor december? 🙏 bye will be here soon after my exams (that will be after the 23rd march i’m afraid)

hiii denethor anon <333 i am SO sorry this is so late truly attempting to figure out how to write AND see my friends AND do things like clean my apartment and go to the grocery store while working The Job...it has eaten my life. and this week my regular coffee shop switched their hours bc i live in my old college town and they are on spring break and it has sent me directly to hell. the death of My Routine…i have coped by INCESSANTLY denethorposting on tumblr dot com. i am somehow EVEN MORE in it than i was when you sent this ask. i hope you enjoy me being truly crazyinsane whenever you get a chance to look at all those posts lol. would love 2 hear your thoughts on them. but ANYWAY as always it is so lovely to see you, i'm sorry things have been tough but truly with my whole heart i bestow upon you the strength of denethor's sixty-year psychic war (with none of the associated madness) to make it through. looking at the date i hope you are free now.

here is the mandated readmore because i have never met brevity in my whole life. u said write another 800 words and i took that as a challenge um this post is like 2000 words. well...back on my bullshit

i mean this with all the love and joy in my heart but i laughed so much. no my dear friend they do not get him on tumblr. they have not gotten him on tumblr from the beginning. if you have been spared the incessant tomato jokes i truly…[crying] I Wish I Were You So Bad. this guy doesnt even know about the tumblr denethor slander (POSITIVE) (YEARNING). its the trenches out here for real. i just live in my little bubble with me and you and like four other mutuals/Denethor Understanders and that is it.

speaking of denethor and the rivendell au. i miss the days when i was working on the faramir-in-gondor scenes. emotionally it felt like dying but i kind of knew what was going on. now i am in rivendell taking and failing this history of middle earth exam. and i am so very….the next time we see denethor for real is in return of the king. now girl…how will i survive another 80k words. i miss my boy my dear darling my tortured victim of the narrative. and according to the paragraph i just wrote faramir does too but is Refusing to admit it to himself<3

im also RIDICULOUSLY torn on how i want to resolve his arc. now just between you and me. and anyone who bothers to click that read more. I DONT WANT TO KILL HIM I WANT HIM TO LIVE. GOD I WANT HIM TO LIVE. I WILL WRITE YOU A THOUSAND HAPPY ENDINGS. except its not a happy ending its a you are not allowed to die you are forced to contend with your choices you must keep living ending. because he will always be tragic no matter what. but its ALSO a you can rest now you can be at peace son of gondor you have won your war. all you sacrificed has been worth it. you have given your all when that's what duty asked you for and it has been enough. and that makes my poor heart weep.

like on one hand the idea of resolving his storyline with faramir.......the opportunity for some kind of reconciliation, some kind of understanding between them...god. delicious. i know in my heart that faramir comes home and IS the lord that denethor once dreamed of being. not playing at it...he is high and lordly and gentle and the world bends around his will and he knows exactly what to bow to and when to stand his ground and his powers are honed to a keen edge that he uses with the utmost care and. AUGH. he walks into the citadel the IMAGE of his father. it makes me feel FERAL. and how would denethor react to that. man.

BUT ON THE OTHER HAND HOW DO I END THE STORY. like. LOL. do u know what i mean. likelihood of me being able to just have a triumphant coronation and tie it all up with a bow is soooo small. the narrative contortions i would have to go through. to have denethor accept that and still be in character. Girl....no thank u <3 so we havent worked THAT out yet. like how much of the madness and despair do i want to put into the narrative. We Shall See. IM not politically savvy enough to get real into the weeds with it all so im kind of rotating just. a beautiful set of reunions with the fellowship. eowyn and faramir get engaged. boromir and faramir see all their dreams of a gondor restored come true. we skate over the political minefield and deeply navigate the beginnings of denethor and faramir's relationship in this new world. and among it all, within it all, is hope, and a new dawn. and curtain.

i got distracted but re: we are in rivendell. it IS kind of fun to think about the themes and narratives. i am pushing my Let Faramir (And Denethor) Be Numenorean + Let Numenoreans Be Weird agendas so so sooo hard and i am having the time of my life with that specifically. birds follow him around and pick up the tunes he sings. he hears the voices of the people he loves in his head. he falls into a river and after having a breakdown about it promptly decides that The River Is Testing Him And He Has Passed. he gets to rivendell and INSTANTLY knows that there is someone Very Like Him Here (its elrond. the elrond-elros-faramir connection has me FROTHING at the mouth. faramir looks at elrond and sees his father and sees every statue of elros in minas tirith and Knows that this here is the son of earendil, gil-estel, his brightest north star. elrond looks at faramir and sees his brother, his dear dead doomed brother, and every numenorean descended from him and all their sins and all their glories and yet, kind as summer, sees beauty and knowledge and a strange quiet man who carries all the weight of his country on his shoulders and yet knows him, knows the legends; perhaps the blood of numenor is not yet spent in the south)

i just think that Every Elf that meets faramir along the way is like woah...hold up. there's something up with THIS guy! men ARENT supposed to do that! not anymore anyway! galadriel is Lowkey Threatened by him. and isnt that beautiful. woman who could be queen of the earth sees god's special chosen boy and goes hang on a minute. Fuck. i think they work out their shit by the time the company leaves lothlorien but like...just thinking about how faramir lowkey blamed her for boromir's death in rotk! idk how their dynamic is exaclty gonna manifest but there's definitely some sort of similar mindreader2mindreader tension!

AND. um the idea of faramir travelling with the fellowship discovering that maybe...well. he has never wanted to be a warrior but he has been honed into a blade anyway. by his father and by necessity. and perhaps for the first time in his life...outside of gondor he does not need to be all that. he can be mithrandir's pupil without censure he can be scholarly and witty and cunning - he is all these things, in gondor. but there he has to be them, and now he can discover that yes, this is what he wants to be. and he has never let his father and the expectations of his position STOP him but there is always a weight, there is always the knowledge that your actions are disapproved of, and being away from that for a while is i just think. really good for him. see above re: he comes home the image of his father in a gentler time. keep honking im sitting in my car crying about denethor ii twenty sixth steward of gondor.jpg (<- my greatest creation PLEASE click the link lol)

ALSO IM THRILLED YOU LIKED THAT WHETSTONE LINE LOL i kind of blacked out when i typed it on the page. i think truly the crazy thing about denethor and faramir is that they SHOULD understand each other. they know so much about each other and yet are so incompetent at actually putting it to any good use towards, you know, improving their relationship. faramir is incredibly emotionally intelligent AND can read minds AND has taken so many of what he probably views as denethor's worst traits and turned them to gentler uses. (im talking about his powers but im ALSO talking about that thing he does when he encounters frodo and sam where he plays woe is me my brother is dead and i miss him sooo much to get on their good sides. yes of course he misses boromir more than anything else in the world. no he is not above using it to his advantage. and we see the SAME THING when gandalf and pippin come to minas tirith. hey isn't it crazy that both of them use boromir as a. manipulation chip. even after he's dead. hey thats kind of fucked up actually!) and denethor is…well denethor is denethor. ok im mostly messing around and thought that sentence was funny. i think he Knows most everything that goes on in faramir's head and yet Wilfully Chooses to interpret it in the worst ways because its just soo....very I Thought I Raised You Better Than That/I Honed You To Be My Blade Stop Defying Me. and despite all that the Problem is that they understand each other right up until they don't. they know how THEY feel about each other (incredible love that they can only express in the worst ways/think they're expressing only to be spurned by the other) but cannot POSSIBLY imagine that the other feels the same way.

ive gone on for SO SO LONG ALREADY LOL but. what do i have to say about denethor and thorongil. not enough and too much all at once. they're so toxic and awful for each other they're MADE for each other they're beautiful narrative parallels they're homoerotic besties they're bitter rivals they're pawns in a proxy war they're locked at all times in a psychic psychosexual situationship. um the enemy of my enemy is kissing me with tongue. idk i have more symbolism and actual analysis especially of the denethor-ecthelion-thorongil Issue. but we are just getting into it. so i will start with the situations bc i have two angles for this. on one hand i do think it is very fun if they constantly homoerotically circle each other for years and years and never do a THING about it. like...this is a stitching up wounds wiping blood off each others faces battle couple/situationship situation that THEN turns into a ridiculously high functioning political rival partnership bent together over books long into the night catching each others eye in council meetings using their very real disdain for each other for Manipulation Purposes and getting uh. SO hot over it. like.....Do You Know What I Mean. just. truly unresolved sexual tension THROUGH THE ROOF. it DELIGHTS me. they are always putting themselves in situations. and then NOT making out about it. AND THEY CAN READ EACH OTHERS MINDS!! THE WHOLE TIME!! SO THEY KNOW EXACTLY HOW MUCH THEY WANT EACH OTHER AND STILL ARENT DOING ANYTHING ABOUT IT!!! like thats just really good. but on the other hand.......the idea of just an absolutely terrible beautiful toxic rivals with benefits codependent situationship. i hate you so much and you know what we DO need to make out about it. every time they fuck it is a power play and they are having SO much fun with it. they will both start arguments with each other (AND IN PUBLIC TOO) just so they can fight and make up. the mind reading...Oh You Know What I Mean. taylor swift voice we had this big white city all to ourselves we blocked the noise with the sound of i need you and for the first time i had something to lose! logically thorongil is not yet in his grubby ranger era but the idea of him being dirt smeared all the time and hanging out with prim proper polished denethor. in the fic (which does exist and DOES follow the second model) theres a scene where hes just chilling with his head in denethor's lap and denethor is actually rather delighted and devoting ALL of his copious braincells to pretending not to be. Man. well never say im not a slut for contrast. and now the rest of what i could say is simply straight up redacted for indecency so it is time for this post to be over. the last thing i have to say is that it absolutely ruins denethor's life forever when thorongil up and leaves. sometimes a situationship....anyway. MUCH LOVE TO YOU AS ALWAYS yes we will have denethor december i already have an url saved.

[inkybinkyboink]

currently going through some bullshit with a roommate who owes me a months rent. also currently in the process of weaning myself off of self medicating because i know that i need to be better to myself for myself. december kind of sucked and im glad it's january but jesus christ i cant wait to go back to work so i can make up for some of the lost money. this isnt a post asking for help, im writing this as a note to myself that once things are a little more steady, im going to buy flowers for the kitchen table, and ice grips for my shoes so i can go hiking in the winter. im gonna get new headphone pads and a speaker for my car because my aux chord stopped working. this year im going to try and knit things just for myself, and i wanna read more. i know people say this every year and its hard to uphold but i wanna be better, man. im tired of this not taking care of yourself for the aesthetic bullshit. fuck, dude, i swear, it will be better.

[lesbianyosano]

manifesting Fukufuku dying in each others arms -> I am losing it slowly anyway thoughts on the newest chapter?

this has been sitting in my askbox since september and im really sorry anwsering took so long, but ive been trying to articulate how the last few chapters/last episode made me feel and im still not sure, because there have been so many bizzare choices made by both asagiri and the ppl behind the anime i still cant wrap my head around it fully (this got stupid long sorry)

starting with fukuzawa, i made a post a while back talking abt how i was assuming he was going to die/why it'd make a lot of sense, and there were really two main reasons for that; 1. he hasnt had anything interesting to offer for the story for a while and 2. his ability actively stops other important characters (mainly atsushi and kyouka) from further developement. the first thing is now gone which im pretty happy with! i love fukuzawa a lot so it's nice to see him finally have a purpose in the main story and im excited to see where it will go (also fukufuku you will always be famous to me <3333333), but the issue of his ability is still very much here. ive seen ppl theorize that all men are equal is just him lying and there is no ability but i honest to god would hate that, bc it would seem like such a shallow twist. atsushi's conflict with the tiger is central to his character so if it suddenly got revealed that a huge reason why he's even capable of using his power is just placebo "believe in yourself" bullshit i think i'd tear my own hair out. so im still thinking fukuzawa may get killed at some point, esp with the position he's been put into now and how much he seems to not want it.

and as for the "chuuya was never a vampire" fiasco, i honestly have no words, it was so unbelievably bad. ik there's been a ton of posts about how "its actually good" bc fyodor's death was caused by his inability to trust, and dazai's belief in his allies is what put him at an advantage, which is nice yeah, but it doesnt change how fucking stupid of a plan that was. if their goal is to kill fyodor, why not do it in that flooded room? fyodor escapes solely bc chuuya gets him out but if he was concious the entire time why not just leave him there? why continue to pretend? im usually not a huge fan of getting angry over plot holes when the narrative and themes are whats more important, but this is just so blantantly stupid. it feels like asagiri just wanted a plot twist for a plot twist's sake. mersault in general is so poorly constructed as an arc (dazai communicating via his heartbeat,,,, give me a break) but at least you'd hope it would end in a way that makes you excuse all of that, and then it doesn't. i think this post sums up how i feel about this than i ever could

and the fact that its december and we are STILL behind the fucking anime asagiri be so for real. it's easy to see now that the constant half chapters and short releases were a deliberate choice to have the anime catch up which i dont love, but fine, whatever. but now??? what the point of half releases? these chapters have been ready for a long time, and there's no way asagiri and the editors and whoever else is involved arent aware of how frustrated the readers have been for years now. the only explanation i can think of is that maybe the manga will have a different arc conclusion and ctheyre trying to idk, make it seem like we're following the anime closely? idk this shit is so stupid

overall this past arc or two have been bad, there are some elements that make them enjoyable still, but there is no theme consistency and overreliance on cliff hangers (that ppl still somehow buy). it feels like there are no stakes to the story, and that's really bad. maybe it's why i was hoping for fukuzawa to be killed alongside fukuchi idk, it'd finally feel like something is changing

on a brief positive note i quite enjoyed fyodors death, weird catholic freak, ofc nikolai is cradling your arm like this. i was a little suprised to see fyodor killed just yet (bc he always needed to die for the story to be able to wrap up eventually), but given the jesus quote, he may as well come back in some way tbh

[creativebrainrot]

open journal entry

just writing about Brain Garbage i had to deal with today.

descriptions of abuse at the hands of my dickhead father. (not to be confused with My Dad who is a sweetheart that I would fight god for.)

TLDR: I am incapable of assuming that anyone who acts like they care about me or enjoys my company Actually Means It because I had Basic Human Social Ques weaponized against me for my first 16 years alive. I am currently incapable of believing that anyone genuinely cares when they're nice to me: They're ACTUALLY doing it out of pity/civility/jsut because they're a nice person/etc and Not because I am a friend that they care about. I am also incapable of assuming that anyone that enjoys my company considers me special in any regard.

like I still have to fight off dumb ass thoughts that if I disappeared tomorrow, no one would care. There's also the stupid little loopholes my brain will find like "even if they DID care, its because youre their friend and they "Should Care" and not because they, on their own, considered you, individually, special." because minds are, infact, Stupid, and Overrated. :)

im working on it.

i have literally no self perception what so ever. that's only slightly hyperbolic. If someone doesn't tell me what they think of me, my default is to assume that they like me in that moment. The second anyone stops talking to me for awhile, I assume it's because they're bored of me. That it's because they no longer like me. They'll be back in a week or two, or they'll be gone forever.

I know why this is my default of course. i've been isolated, for 21 years, in the middle of no where, with no friends- let alone real friends who care, until last December. my abuser. who would, when I was 13 and younger- actually he never stopped being like this. I stopped playing the game instead. He'd act "normal" (loving, listening to me, joking with me, caring about me, being a father,) for a week. then he'd reset. he'd be right back to acting cold, distant, like I was an annoyance, a nuisance. Unwanted. I would have no indication of this beforehand (thats how this bullshit worked, if id known, it wouldnt have been abuse.) He ambushed me with being fed up of me, wanting to play and talk with my father, like a child WOULD want, all the time. it was always either very insidious words he could pass off as an "accident" or him "misspeaking" or legitimately, straight up, brushing me off. his autistic, loving child, who took that shit VERY personally, every time. I wanted, and i needed, routine. I still need routine to be happy. I know for a fact he used that against me when he lived with us. There was another thing he'd do to me. I'd read all the social ques he set up, and understand all the things he said, but when I later assumed I'd known right, he would flip around and say he never said that. he never meant that. and always imply that I was stupid for thinking I'd understood his Exact Words correctly. obviously, this was more abuse, and he was just lying. because he could. to trip me up. to make me doubt myself. it resulted in me never listening to a fucking word he said. Aswell as the lingering issues of me, still assuming, that I cannot read people. That people who act like they enjoy my company are simply being civil. Or that they do enjoy my company, but it wont last. They'll get bored of me eventually and then I'll never hear from them again. Or i'll hear from them again a week or two later. I know it's all nonsense- That it's all just, residual effects from my abusive childhood. That I'll unlearn it eventually.

But I cannot put into words how frustrating it is to be having an okay or fine time and then be blindsided by how desperate and lonely I was trained to be by a manipulative piece of shit who never loved me. Lied to my fucking face- his goddamn child, every day of my life while he was in it.

To be blindsided by how insecure I was made to be. The self-hatred I feel for things that are not my fault is so goddamn, suffocating. It's not my fault I'm desperate for attention; I was deprived of genuine love and attention for 20 fucking years. Sure I had my dad that whole time but one parent cant, and shouldnt be expected, to make up for an abusive parent. My dad is the reason I'm even alive right now. He's the only reason I never acted on any of my suicidal thoughts. But he couldn't fix the abuse that piece of shit inflicted on us both. It's not my fault I feel worthless and unwanted; I spent the first two decade of my life being told through implications that I WAS a nuisance and unwanted and worthless. It's not my fault I'm so fucking lonely when he chose somewhere in the middle of nowhere with no my age around, with no school nearby I could walk to- somewhere with only military families that would leave in a few months or retired people who dont fucking want to talk to anyone else and sure as hell dont make for good friends for my queer gen z ass. Let alone that we're in the south, and I am nonbinary.

None of it is my fault. I want to unlearn it.

I just want to believe that i am special to someone. You don't know how tired I am of the voices in my mind telling me that I will never be wanted, or loved, or needed, or missed when I'm not around.

How tired I am of being genuinely incapable of believing that I have any value to anyone alive, unable to believe that anyone would care if I was gone tomorrow.

I am exhausted. I am so tired, of believing that I am unwanted, that I am pathetic, that I am worthless, that I will never be remembered when I'm not in the room or around.

I just want to unlearn it all and move on with my life.

Very slowly, I am.

There's brighter days ahead. I've held onto hope for so long it's starting to hurt. I want it to be over and done with already- all of it. The move out of this wretched house that always felt like a prison, unlearning these nasty lies that were implanted in my mind to make me vulnerable to more abuse, the poverty, which is also the result of residual abusive actions. I can't tell you how many times my dad saved that idiot from making us homeless.

I know that these nasty lies are just that; lies. I know that I'll get a chance to truly feel like my friends and loved ones care. I know that I'll be able to put all this behind me someday soon and never look back.

in the meantime I am so sick of the thoughts in my mind rendering me incapable of believing that my friends genuinely like me. So tired of it actually hurting, to even think of letting myself believe that they care. Every single last time I let myself believe that someone cared, I got hurt. But that "someone" was the same person, every time. The people in my life now, are not that man. Infact they've been kinder to me and shown more care for me than he ever genuinely did in the 21 years I had with him in my life. That's not even remotely hyperbolic.

idk man, brain shit is annoying and bullshit and BOY do I want my mind to shut the fuck up again and let me live.

[thegirlwiththemooglehat]

I posted 18,505 times in 2022

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My Top Posts in 2022:

#5

Reddit is good for one thing and that’s cat subs

119 notes - Posted May 26, 2022

#4

NEW JORTS THE CAT UPDATE

[Image transcript: a screencap of a reddit post linked here, titled FINAL UPDATE: JORTS AND JEAN. Post reads as such: I got increasingly nervous about “Pam” and HR decided we had to have a team meeting. First of all, the world is NOT sick of Jorts and Jean, but HR sure is sick of me. 

Pam is pretty “offline” so had not heard of any of it. We selected a variety of fan art and some of the nicer comments to show Pam and it went fine. We were all very sternly reminded of our stringent worksite privacy policies. 

Pam wanted to send a letter to the Jorts and Jean fan website and legal counsel redacted the letter which is here: Letter From Pam. The absolute disgust from legal counsel was palpable.

Pam is glad “our little cats” have so many new friends. Legal counsel told me to knock it off with all of this bullshit. Someone gave Jorts a pipe cleaner. Big relief overall because I did not want to hurt Pam’s feelings, not to mention I really thought I might get fired because I doubled down so much on Jorts and Jean content. (I regret nothing.)

Literally right now I can hear someone playing the Jorts and Jean sea shanty somewhere in the building. End description]

See the full post

164 notes - Posted December 31, 2021

#3

tumblr finally understands its audience, i would actually pay 3 bucks to have the april fools crabs back

259 notes - Posted July 14, 2022

#2

399 notes - Posted July 12, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

Environmental storytelling

530 notes - Posted November 27, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

[pwblogarchive]

March 2006

March 8, 2006

“fucking savages…”

Don't sweat it kiddo...just look on the bright side,...you helped usher alot of young ladies into woman-hood tonight.

secondly, would everyone leave the poor guy alone already? Everyone wonders what drives people in bands "over the edge" or into a "meltdown"...its shit like this. How would you like it if someone posted "risque" pics of you online. Have some tact people. fuckin weak.

PS: Los Angeles will bury you alive

March 11, 2006

its funny how i seem to find myself home alone on friday nights. ill catch a look in the mirror at myself on the way up the stairs and i realize that i am not much different from the loser i was in 8th grade. still totally flawed in the same ways- only presented with these flaws at the most inopportune times. thats okay though. it helps my pen. and with the weeks ive had- i am probably a bit better off sitting this one out. i can't wait for everyone to get a chance to see the new video. we spent alot of time on it- patrick scored the entire thing and i have to say that he did an amazing job. but really i just want to be back on the road. playing shows is the only thing that feels okay lately. that and the one time she called me "serious george". lets start a club for all of us losers sitting at home on the internet on a friday night. what should we call it?it feels good to focus on the words again rather than all the bullshit that surrounds, a nice escape the way it used to be.new songs you will like i hope, maybe even love.here are some passages i was writing tonight:"The new uncool. And im leaning my head against some window in sometown. It doesn’t even really matter.

My head feels heavy. Tissue stuffed in my nose caked with dried blood, stuck like glue (the way I am to you). Ive got bad luck fists and every single joint in them is dyed a deep bruised violet. The blood is thick coating my throat, I heave towards my feet. December fights mean the most. Your face hurts before you even get into it. In Chicago if you hit somebody in the winter, you really mean it. it hurt my fist everytime I hit this kid’s cheek and teeth. And lets not even talk about how the concrete feels skidding against your face below zero. It’s the only time I don’t skip out on myself. I stand in there for every shot. The first fist in my stomach felt like it turned my guts inside out. I fell onto the curb and heard my keys clink down the angle of the street. I licked my bloody spit on my hand and slapped the kid that just punched me in the gut then walked off to find my keys. This kid spun me around and for the second before he hit me, I laughed cause my spit and blood on his face looked like warpaint, then he hit me right dead center in the face. Like a hiccup in time, it all slows down after you get hit in the face- you cant feel another fucking thing on your body. Like the cartoon stars, this is what they are referring to. Only all I had was every single tear duct on my head working overtime to get enough buckets out. the tears freezing on my cheeks, the blood, salty and quickly working into a paste when mixed with the dirt I had sucked up when I hit the ground. I hear converse pounding the cement in the distance, the sound is absolutely gorgeous. All I can do is smile back at this stupid kid like the worst kind of dare- the kind of smile that says "too late". Sound the cannons. The cavalry has arrived. This is why he will always be my bestfriend in my mind. us chasing these kids home. And him catching one on the front porch of the kids own home and pulling him off of it, the skin on this kids hand tearing as he is wrenched from the safety of the doorknob he has anchored himself on. this kid was screaming like he was being murdered. We’re panting in the cold air. Kissing off "maybe we shouldn’t"s like they were nothing. He is holding the kid and I am laying into him again and again. Right hand only. I want this kid to feel every hit. Its like green/silver on the screen, our glory days, his mom coming out of the front porch and my bestfriend telling her to ‘get back in the fucking house’. This kid defiant until the end, I gotta give that to him, no white flags- "fuck you"s between every hit. Me spitting my blood into his mouth. I get into a rhythm until this kid goes limp. For every single time I couldn’t sleep at night cause I knew what kids like this were gonna say to me in the morning. We wash the blood off of our faces and hands in the snow on the kids front lawn and walk home. Stopping when I see the glimmer of my keys in the sewer. He’s got longer arms then me so he reaches in and takes them back.

There’s no other reason to remember this than- no one deserves the title bestfriend if they don’t sound like the cavalries cannons or aren’t willing to bleed next to you.""I never meant for this to end up the way it has, you gotta believe me- the songs, the words, the flashes of the camera, the same interviews with the same answers over and over again to hell- im always a phone call away from making it or breaking it. and you should know that only when I see your sweated out eyes, that almost look like tears, living and dying right in front microphone altar, it’s the only reason I don’t throw the towel in. instead I shrug it off, another year down. Tell myself anything to make sense of it all. "Damn, kid- you really believe in yourself". I used to believe in dragons too. And I used to like these words a whole lot more but then they started sleeping around with your eyes and ears. Im coughing directions into the phone, my lungs hurt like im smoking sympathy cigarettes with you every time you light up. "turn left at the second stop sign. At the end of my driveway turn (b)right". thank god "I can’t wait to see you" weighs a whole lot more than "I cant let you see me like this" in the greater scale of things. You look so fucking good on my front porch when youre coming this way. I fake shyness at the door but only because I think that’s what you want. There is a breadcrumb trail of melancholy that leads back up to my bed or maybe out the third floor window depending on whose following it. We soften, we surrender in the failing light. I kiss your cheek goodbye (you’re not the one leaving). But its only a formality, like crossing yourself before you kneel in church. You are the bright oval light spotted out by the flashlight and I am everything else in the dark room. In the beginning I was only planning on holding on to you and using you recreationally, but then I started needing you at nights and then all the time. The not remembering is what gets to me the worst. Honestly the sex is overrated and the conversation is fucking terrible- so why do you still have me programmed in your phone? I broke out the ougie board and tried to contact the living. I said I need an outline and a diagram but then I can pretty much take it from there. Switch out the characters in this dream cause they just don’t seem realistic. Play the part- change the light cause it makes my skin look washed out. The hardest thing about life is the living part."

- petey

March 14, 2006

icantwaittoseeyouagain:He said "I was pretty much born in an abortion clinic".Lines like that are show stoppers.Imagine records being scratched at parties in the movies."I was born in Tampa in may of 82’, they razed the hospital and by January 83’ it was an abortion clinic".And this was my introduction to one of my bestfriends.He’s the gun that didn’t discharge.He’s The quarters you cant pick up cause they are glued to the ground.He is a disaster- He’s all the worst parts of the bible, thrown into one.The disaster sleeps in a bunk less than 3 feet away from me (there are worse things tonight than the bus crashing). He’s wearing a shirt that says "cowgirls ride better bare back".It’s enough to make me laugh, if only because he’s used that as a pick-up line.The light on my laptop pulses white on black like morse code mayday signals in the dark.It always wants me.It always knows what im thinking (so does The disaster).The disaster is looking in my bunk over the curtains again.Hes’s always looking for something to ruin.I close my eyes to fake sleep.Im not fast enough or he knows me too well.Right now he is a cycle: scream, laugh and fall over, repeat."Networks would pay good money for a reality tv star like you" I say.(We are the opposite of diamonds in the rough).Maybe he’ll hyperventilate and pass out."pete, you in there?" he shouts in response.Clearly there isn’t an iq equvilancy test to be my friend.I tell him, "gimme your moms number. You know its not too late for her to have an abortion"."alright, lets go eat"- he spits as he stumbles towards the bathroom.He’s either too drunk or not drunk enough.I couldn’t make up a kid like this.Our lives as a greek tragedy. Every single fucking character you get attatched to dies at the end.The bus crawls into texas.But it doesn’t matter. All the skylines look the same now.Everywhere is- not home.But we still live the lives you always dreamed of.We don’t pay covers. We sleep through the days.I mostly think of vampires.Not quite. But they are the closest I can come.They gotta know something about the way we don’t go to sleep until the sun comes up. Or maybe something about the marks she’s been leaving on my neck.Yawn.Squint.Dark glasses.I hate the way the sun looks at me. Like it knows everything ive been up to.There is something intensely foreign but at the same time charming about texas. Put the love on hold. We move slow.The disaster is wearing a "don’t mess with texas" shirt.The unOriginal gansta.The disaster says "im faded, but you should really think this over cause it could take all night".But I’m pretty sure he was just faded.My bunk feels like a coffin tonight. The air feels humid here. It makes it hard to breathe. It makes every pull worth it.This is the curtain call on desperation.So come out and take a bow. They’re all throwing roses.Could we get a brighter light to stage left and maybe a bit more attention.(I am all the parts of the bullet but the powder).(I am diamonds into coal).Fuck your low carbs.Fuck your atkins diet.Fuck your southbeach diet.Nothing keeps the weight off like depression.My friends all wonder about my abs- it’s a serious regiment of like a month of sitting alone, waiting for phone calls that never come.Sometimes I feel like the fucking pied piper.The tinted glass is like a two way mirror.This is so voyeuristic it hurts.(I never meant to be like this).What we’d all do for alittle attention.Its like the pied piper-But I am following the light down a vermin hole.You probably shouldn’t come after me.It’s like the pied piper-Only it’s a little bit more like a cult.And I don’t even feel like I am the one behind the wheel anymore.I look up at the light shining through the curtains.The disaster is on to another bunk. Hes got me smiling.

- petey

March 17, 2006

so the tour has kicked off. it’s been pretty intense. the kids in new england have been amazing so far. we are playing for about an hour and a half every night- including one of our oldest songs ever and a new song that we’ve never played before live.

oh and some of you were wondering- the quote at the end of my last journal was from a movie called “the united states of leland.”

i found this song that is so rad- total “listen late at night with one light on barely, drinking sleeptime tea” song. i don’t know who it’s by. i will find out though.

keep voting for 16 candles over on trl so we can brag to our labelmate n-yo that we’ve got cooler fans.

really exciting news about decaydance right around the corner.

glad to see old familiar faces in the front row- i was worried.

xo

EDIT: okay- the song is called “fall away” and it’s by lauren hoffman- i have no idea anything about her but it’s perfect to listen to when you are falling asleep alone- “I heard the warning of the sun, Remember all the days I strayed, I found you, The moon fell down and made no sound… Where’s my mind I lost it too, And you put my love away”.

also- bob from the hush wanted me to let you know they are playing a super small show at chain reaction on april second in anaheim- you know all the creeps and jerks in the bands on this tour will be there.

posted by: peter, patrick, andy and joe

3/17/06 Q&A

question

does leslie write rainy day kids? or do you write it? or do you just take credit for it?

answer

i am writing it. leslie is editting it. trust me. youll be able to tell its me by the style.

question

Hey Pete….I was listening to MYAMERICANHEART today and looking through who the band thanked and it said “Pete Wentz and Clandestine Industries” Did you know that they thanked you? I thought it was cool.

answer

yeah. they are great kids and a good band.

question

Dear Pete , I wish you didnt speak so badly of fat people , females especially . I know that you have so called “vanity issues” of your own but that doesnt tolerate the fact that “fat” women are subjected to ridicule and underappreciation by you . As always said … skinny bitches are evil , i think you should recognize .Plus watch out cuz you might get whats comin to ya .Karmas a bitch trust me I know .

answer

im not interested in making fun of anyone because of their body type. i myself have always been made fun of for being short- so i dont need karma- ive always had that. i dont think many people feel safe in their own skin. but their is not reason to call “skinny bitches evil” either- because noone chooses how they look. ivedated people of all shapes and sizes. initial attraction may be physical but at the end of the day its the people who keep you laughing and talking that matter- no matter what size they are. actions speak louder than words- dont believe everything you hear (even if im the one saying it).

question

hey pete umm i had this boyfriend and he was gettin bugged at school and well he killed himself and it was so hard for me to watch him go like that and i broke my heart cuzz not olny did i lose my best friend but i lost the person i wanted to send the rest of my life with and it bothers me cuzz i loved him so much and every time i hear some of ur song i start to cry and somtimes i feel like killing myself but i just cut my wrists but i dont no how longer i can stand this before i do somthing really stupid and i need to no what to do so i am asking you please dont let me down ur my hero so dont let me down my life is in ur hands now

answer

the truth is, its okay to feel blue and down. especially right after someone you love kills themself. it is confusing and scary. if our music helps than that is amazing and probably the best compliment we could ever be given. but the truth is- you have to know that their are other people who have felt like this before and it is hard but you will make it through it. i mean, you have to. you definitely need to be talking to someone, a friend or your parents. the day after tommorrow could be the best day ever.

question

i have to say that im a bit dissapointed that youre playing at a non-smoking venue in denver…somewhow smoke smell adds to the beautiful concert ambiance (even though i dont smoke…is that weird?)

answer

yeah its pretty awesome. iron lungs and chemotherapy are really sexy. nah their not. smoking cigarettes is so two years ago- and you can tell joe trohman i said that.

question

im really upset about you guys not going to warped tour…why arent you?????????

answer

with warped tour- its supposed to be one year on, one year off- when you play the mainstage. were gonna come out and hang at a couple of the dates.

question

how in the world does andy spin the drumsticks so long…..i am a really good drummer me and my freiends have a band, and i have been tryin so hard to spin it but i get nowhere with it……

answer

its all cgi- we hired the guys who did the last star wars movie and they editted like that. he doesnt even really have hands.

3/18/06

question

Hey Pete, is that dog in the new video your dog? I saw you holding in a picture recently and I was wondering about that. Whats his/her name? Its a very cute dog. =)

answer

its not mine. its bonnie janes. but it does always look delicious.

question

i sleep with my arms across my chest and dream of you with someone else…” what is that a lyric from?

answer

maximo park. go listen.

question

could I just correct you…goats dont eat everything, they make pretty good pets they like chocolate and mountain dew but I havent seen a goat eat say…a tin can. you silly city boy.

answer

i saw a goat eat dirty laundry once. it was gross. like even grosser than when dirty picks his teeth with my comb.

question

hey! i just got home from a party and it was so fun but it got me thinking, whats your dance style/move? love always, princess pat

answer

hide in the corner and laugh at my friends dancing- look at pretty girls and then go home and go to sleep. thats pretty much my only move.

question

hey pete im planning to make patrick a friendship braclet and i wanted to give it him personally im going to the Jacksonville concert should i throw it up on stage(since i have floor tickets) or should i wait around after the show like a weird stalker and hand it to him as you guys are leavn??

answer

meet and greets are the best chance to give him something. throw it on stage but try not to hit him in the eye.

question

Pete what is it like to be on trl?

answer

its like a million people screaming and spazzing and then they realize you are an ordinary boy and its cool cause you just get to meet people and its very relaxed.

question

I just saw the new music video, A little less 16 candles, A little more touch me I was just wondering why did u pic a vampire theme. Also i saw the making of the video on Mtv and why does patrick not wear his glasses when he plays but then he wears them like in “real life”??

answer

because there are actually two patricks. one does his appearances and the other plays shows. its quite confusing. the only way you can tell is: patrick number two has a 2 right behind his left ear- duh- whyd you think he always wears hats?

March 22, 2006

 "baby im getting on a plane in a minute i wanted to say bye and i love you..." 

its funny the way being young exaggerates everything. when we fall in love or fall apart its all magnified. ive been waiting on a change. ive been waiting for you to not give up on me. i should have bet against myself and thrown the game. its always the same. the same people that are not me with the strange coastal breeze and the strange coastal boys. the truth is even funnier. its slippery. it looks different at 1am than it does at 10am. it looks different two weeks later. you know what the fuck i am talking about. its always new names and numbers. but its the same. and i am dirty, forgetful, lonely, arrogant, stubborn, secretive, and many other things i hear in whispers. but my heart is fucking in it. you could set your watch by it. and that has been thrown out and trashed. lied to. ignored. run away from. i have the opposite of midas' touch. no matter how you spin it- it hurts. words cannot explain- congratulations! you did it again. but being in the bitter boys club just keeps the cycle spinning. so this is me walking away. this is the closure i needed. or close to it. i want to be in love again. she is the start of it- she reminds me of sweet child o'mine and staying up all night talking and the truth and winks that are just for me. there are no futures here. there are no more second chances or arkansas- or wrong text messages. 'the girl i loved never really existed at all'... this journal doesn't really make sense anymore. the purpose i started it for is out the window and out of my mind. this will be the last entry in here. its gonna be okay. "its not that id die for you, its that i already have." next time try telling the truth. Current Music: "wish you were here" pink Floyd 

March 22, 2006

i cant believe how i started that last one off. it read so wrong. the last time i felt anything:My wrists are black and blue from bumping the edge of the table next to the keyboard like a punching bag. Im sorry just that’s the only way I know how to get this out. consider it closer to preheating the oven for when I drag the pen across my skin and spill the ink. My eyes black and trembling, sinking like stones. Her hands hold my head back once an hour as I throw up in the sink. The front of the stereo lights up "hello" when it turns on, it’s the only conversation in the room. Every night the alarm goes off at last call reminding me. I leave the house just in time to meet her out in front of the closed bar. Neon lights set free as they are shut off, they now go to sleep without a purpose. We own the edge of the street. I had concerns but they’re wearing off in the moonlight. I tell her I love the angle her hair takes in the shadows stretched across the street, cars plowing through the silhouettes of our torsos. Shes not impressed. I follow it up by telling her how she seems so L.A., she thanks me, though I never meant it to be a compliment. Her eyelashes are black and long- they seem to be the stitching around her eyes, holding all the fabric that is her together. I fight the urge to pull one and watch her unravel like an old sweater. I chew swallowables just to get them in my bloodstream faster. I skip the cell phone and just knock on her door just to get her in my bloodstream faster. I apologize for remembering everything out of order but my mind never was too linear. My head feels full of perfumed air and disinfectant spray. It feels like its been blown up with air but not floating more with an air heavier than the earth’s atmosphere and rolling slowly down the street. My head is swimming in milligram doses. Detatched, maybe this is what it feels like to be her, thinking of me. My last thoughts are of leaves floating in an abandoned pool in autumn. Strange. The way their stems move like fish. My pupils are fucking collosal, and if you could read them they’d be like the sign on a storefront "I’m sorry I have stepped away for awhile". Close the lid of the computer and lay back my head on the pillow blackened by your mascera. There’s people on tv a half a world away that are being blown up for trying to vote and I am complaining when we have diet soda instead of regular on our rider. You probably don’t even know what a rider is, but that’s just proof that you’re focusing on the wrong part of that sentence. Im skidding my shoe along the sidewalk, you’re telling me about your day- only I stopped caring about your days about a month ago. Im wearing your scarf cause I love the way it smells, the weather definitely isn’t calling for it, but it makes my memory feel comfortable. Im always trying to please my memory lately so it stops running off on me. Stop at the corner. We both have our hoods up, I tug yours towards my face. our eyes should always be this close(d), to this day ive never written a word about your lips just because I could never found ones that they are deserving of. And im not one for breaking habits, so I wont now. Fuck it. This isn’t gonna make any sense when I read it in the morning anyway.

- petey

3/22/06 Q&A

question

So, how is the reunion of Landshark 1 and Landshark 2 going so far? xoLC

answer

amazing. weve been riding bikes everyday. pretty much the best kid ever.

question

pete, im confused. in the interview joe said that fob is far from ever being on a tour buss, but sense your van/trailer crashed, wat are you riding in now? xo, sarah

answer

we didnt get a tour bus until about a year after that was filmed. and when we did we shared a bus with matchbook romance- after that weve been riding in a tour bus to write a record but we crammed our entire crew into one tour bus for warped tour. we tour between 200 and 300 days of the year. it is necessary for us to sleep and try to have some kind of home or else we would have to tour way less. it makes the music and shows better. we have also always paid for our tour busses ourselves. we have never taken tour support to do it. not that it needs to be justified because honestly we were in a van for 3 years in this band alone, not to mention the other bands weve done.

March 28, 2006

got some good news. i figured i'd post it here cause some of its kinda fbr related:1. first and foremost. i am excited to announce that lifetime has signed to decaydance (fbr) records. mostly, because the world needs another lifetime record. this is a partnership before it is anything else- and i have an intense respect for this band. how they go about things will be unchanged whether they play 2 shows or 200 shows - or who they record with or what the new stuff sounds like. i am a super fan and its exciting to have the chance to hear new songs! more than anything i hope new kids who are fans of bands from this scene can see where all of us got much of our influence from.2. the clandestine / fender squire bass has been set into motion- i will get pics up asap over at the buzznet. i am thinking that it will be available around the last two weeks of this tour possibly- and we are going to keep the price as low as squire basses are (under 300 - sold at guitar centers for between 220 and 260). i am excited about it.3. off day in new mexico. us and the all american rejects took over a chucky cheese. pictures will be up soon.4. deep breath, smile. dont take it all so seriously (that was mostly directed at me).xo

- petey

3/28/06 Q&A

question

Where the hell do you find apple fanta?? Ive lived in texas all my life and i didnt even know the made that.

answer

its always in dusty bottles and is almost always flat. so good.

question

how come you guys only answer a certain few questions?…oh and is it ok if my band plays your songs practising? btw your drummer is brill, but i can drum to your songs..(nah nah nah) sarah xx

answer

cause 99 percent of the questions are: “will you give me your screenname”, “will patrick kiss me”, “can you tell gerard that hes a hottie”. it is very evident to me that i should move to where ever you are because i would like to use “s” instead of “c”.

question

is your your bus stinky?

answer

yes.

[spookfished]

media roundup dec 2024

hi everyone :3 another backlog post from december! its always interesting to look back at something that you were super into during finals. haha. during finals week i think i read a romance novel every 2-3 days?

with this, ive read through almost every single courtney milan book that my library has to offer. they are excellent romance novels if that's your thing, but i also watched some fantastic movies and played some really good games :3 once again will be crossposted up on my website at. some point in time

books:

once upon a marquess by courtney milan: m/f romance. judith, a ruined woman from a ruined family, encounters the man responsible for her familys downfall: her childhood friend. i started reading through this series bc of the most recent installment, the devil comes reading. that ones still my favorite but this one is pretty good! the relationships between the worth siblings were really good and the banter was cute :3 i think ms milans strong sideplots come through pretty clear here--the tension of judiths search for her sister was really sad! her every wish by courtney milan: f/m romance novella. daisy is trying to bluff her way into a grant to start her business, but only one person has the confidence to bullshit his way through: her ex. ok idgaf about small businesses so i didnt read this one for a while, but crash (the love interest) is sooo charming :3 the reasons that their relationship fell apart and the way those hurts were resolved felt really good i think. yay! the pursuit of… by courtney milan: m/m romance novella. hunter, a black soldier during the american revolution, is trying to get back to his family. a british deserter with nothing better to do accompanies him. yeah this was cute. not a lot to say about it :3 the charm offensive by allison cochrun: m/m romance which i picked up bc its about a romance between the bachelor (from the bachelor) and a producer on set. (its not actually the bachelor.) very cute! very fluffy! i have to say, not quite as good as uhhhh all of the courtney milan books ive read over the past couple months but still pretty solid. dev is a cute lead but i found the other lead (charlie or sth) kinda annoying for a significant portion of the book. which i think is somewhat intentional but its like ehhh. i can find awkward tech boys irl too. (SPOILERS) liked how the 'evil ex' actually got some nuance to him too mrs martins incomparable adventure by courtney milan: f/f romance novella featuring two women over 70!!!! and its conwoman x mark?? dudeee miss milan NEEDS to write more femslash im kinda begging here. this was really light and fluffy and also just really awesome. there is a lot to appreciate about romance when youre old i think. im really into it 👍 after the wedding by courtney milan: f/m romance. ok so if you read the first book in the worth saga u know a big b-plot is about trying to find judiths sister camilla. this book is about camilla! so spoilers for that. she gets forced into a mutually unwanted wedding, and while the bride and groom try to annul the wedding they ~also grow feelings~. another milan novel with a weird amount of detail on ceramic design + manufacture? well im not complaining that part was really cool actually. camillas situation is honestly just really sad so its satisfying to see her get out of it

what happened after midnight by courtney milan: f/m romance novella. a man chases after his (former) betrothed after she runs away with his fortune? yeah this was cute. loved the melodrama

unclaimed by courtney milan: dnf. f/m romance. a woman has staked her livelihood on her ability to seduce the ultimate target: the inventor of male chastity??? lmao this is one of her earlier novels published in 2011 (i think) and it kinda shows? the premise is a little bit too unserious for me and the banter/dynamic between the main pair is just not quite as good. it also felt like it dragged a bit. however!!!! i would still extremely recommend pretty much all of her more recently published stuff!! so

love on the brain by ali hazelwood: dnf. f/m romance, but its also by the reylo author. this one neuroscientist has to work on a project with a guy who she thinks hates her, but actually he is ~super in love and too shy to say it~ my mom really wanted me to read this bc she likes the author a lot and "it has women in stem". well guys i have to say i am not a fan of the reylo author. honestly out of all the women in the book the lead is literally the least interesting one? idk it was bad. uninspiring prose. also i wasnt really a big fan of the way it focused on chauvinism and discrimination in the workplace, but thats a personal thing

comics/manga:

peace of mind (2019): short furry comic about a cosmetic brain surgeon, and some of the issues she just cant fix. yeah this was cute!!! pretty classic concept but presented in a sillyfun way imo. like literally only 20 pages i thought the art style was cute go check it out if you have the time

yugami kun has no friends: slice of life school comedy about a transfer student desperate to make friends after moving around her whole life who unfortunately gets placed next to yugami, who is THE MOST AUTISTIC BOY IN THE WORLD. i think i read this whole series in like two days lmfao its just?? extremely charming??? i really like these sort of slices of life where you get to gradually expand your cast of characters over time. everyone is sort of an ass but also trying their best in the way that high schoolers kinda are. also has some very fun will-they-or-wont-they. bro i felt straightbaited. also has some really charming art with good expressions! definitely recommend :3

to strip the flesh by oto toda: manga oneshot from an anthology. chiaki, a trans man, works as an animal dissection youtuber but feels trapped in the closet to keep his father happy. idt it hit as hard for me as it might for some people but i still liked it! wow being trans! and being meat!

movies/tv:

blade (1998): marvel action movie about vampires (and the half-vampire sworn to slay them) but like, before marvel moveis were bad. watched this with friends over the thanksgiving weekend and it was so badass!!!!!!! fuck yeah!!!! honestly id forgotten that action movies can be good but they seriously can be. full of style :3 the boy and the heron: miyazaki movie about uh, grief? and isekai-ing into a cool world with freaky stuff? i heard somewhat negative reviews from my Movie Friends before watching this, which definitely colored my impression. yeah its a gorgeous movie, but also kinda messy and not super coherent imo. mr miyazaki please quit your job and spend time with your family ok. log off christmas perfection: f/m christmas hallmark romcom. protag who just wants the perfect (IRISH) christmas is transported to a world of eternal (IRISH) christmas where her parents are no longer divorced, everyone drinks hot cocoa every day, she has the perfect boyfriend, etc. will her childhood friend be able to get her out? does she even WANT to get out? so i got this rec from a post made by @.dragonomatopoeia who is apparently the hallmark romcom expert. dude. this movie is so fucking awesome. its literally christmas coraline. i love how everything is irish for no reason and also the irish. please watch this movie

video games:

zachtronics solitaire collection: ok so this is literally just a bunch of solitaire-like games. zachtronic games is infamous for making games that feel like work (spacechem, shenzhen i/o, etc). they also included solitaire minigames in several of these, which are compiled here! most of these are arent standard solitaire games, like spider or klondike. theres a solitaire based off of kabufuda, a solitaire based on mahjong (but not like that other one.) and also my favorite, tarot-based FORTUNES FOUNDATION!! which gives you a READING at the end!!! anyways i had to uninstall this game because i was spending 20 hours a week on it.

7 billion humans: parallel programming game. in a world where robots have replaced all necessary labor, whats left for mankind to do? well, make up jobs for themselves, of course! ive grown up with tomorrow corporations dry, dark, and corporate sense of humor from world of goo and that continues, of course. a fun set of problems that gets really fucking tricky, especially if you even take the teeniest peek at optimization. also has a lot of QOL improvements from the initial game such as being able to c+p code, line by line debugging, and more! i feel like youre already going to know if this game is for you or not.

in stars and time: rpg game about TIMELOOPS!!! siffrin, an adventurer, gets trapped in a timeloop on the day of the final boss. dudeeeeee ok ive been a fan of insertdisc5s writing/art for like an embarrassingly long time and it was really cool to see it in longform. some of my friends got to see me rending my hair and wailing about this game in real time even! i think isabeau + odile was my favorite non siffrin rship, but im a huge sucker for romance so the siffrin + isa stuff really got me. and in the end i got extremely suckerpunched by Loop Obsession and also every single character + convo was very delightful so who can say!!! i remember seeing some crits saying that the writing felt too 'young' or juvenile--it definitely takes a lot of inspiration from undertale, earthbound and the like, but also i think that like. the jrpg genre As A Whole demands some willingness for like. idk Earnest and Youthful Whimsy. plus i literally am a youth so it didnt bother me lol. the game definitely can feel pretty grindy at times, but its also like…. very ludonarratively accurate? or something like that?? like. you get tired of killing the same stuff + skipping the same convos As siffrin becomes inured to the loops, as they become increasingly estranged from the rest of the party. which is honestly really awesome and captures that rpg grindy feeling like nothing else really does haha. (and theres also quite a few features to ease that friction!) even if you played the demo there are some really good twists still left in there and also i teared up at the end fr. who else thought about loop (loop)

music:

i spent a lot of this month listening to the clod by no party for cao dong and scales by king isis, which ive already talked about! so im going to spotlight a couple tracks + one album ig lol?? grace by idles: this is from idles' upcoming album tangk which im super looking forward to!!!! i love when these guys do slower tracks (such as progress and mtt 420 rr from their previous album) and this is a very nice evolution from that. has a warm but slightly eerie feeling zapper by nanoray: more jungle music!!!! this is the album that introduced me to nanoray bc i knew a guy who would just blast this kind of stuff while cleaning the kitchen. favorites are nekomata '97 and salmon cannon deluxe--i tend to listen to this album in like, airports and stuff or while cleaning? its such such a wall of catgirl-themed sound that its impossible to be anxious :P iron by woodkid: ok so i found this from the playlists for in stars and time that came out before release--specifically, the one for the king? (big villain who wants to freeze the kingdom in time forever) i havent listened to this since before finishing the game and man. listening to the lyrics with additional context is kinda crazy. anyways woodkid is apparently much better known for directing a bunch of music videos such as KATY PERRYS TEENAGE DREAM? but also makes 'chamber pop' which is when, uh, pop music incorporates a lot of classical instruments? anyways i have a lot of fondness for brass (synth or not) in pop music so this was nice <3 so melancholy… so winter…learning that this was also used for an assassins creed trailer did make me like it less unfortunately.

hey whats up. writing about stuff i read a while ago isnt as interesting huh… but i also feel the need to do things in chronological order… oh well :3 the semester starts for me very soon.. how scary. anyways if you finished reading thanks as always! dont forget to stretch your hamstrings. did you know that crab rangoon is named after the city of yangon in myanmar?

[ghoullguy]

(ED) so i was reading this one yoi fanfic and i have some complaints bc im a bitch like that

so in this fanfic, which im not gonna name bc god forbid the author sees this and shit starts, yuuri quit skating bc of an ed

now, i have an ed. ive had several actually, since i was 11. first it was bed, which led to ana, which i'd gone into recovery for by 16, after losing a shit ton of weight and muscle, which as a figure skater, affected my skating. i relied on muscle to power me through jumps, and once i lost all the weight and my muscle, it made it difficult for me. so, i recovered. then, at 17, i injured my hip and couldnt skate for a while. this completely ruined me. i was convinced that because i had to take off time to heal, i could never compete again. i was too old, and eventually, too fat to ever be anything in the skating world. i relapsed, and the past year and a half has been a constant cycle of starving, then binging and purging. eventually, it became full on bulimia. i had a month or so back in december where i ate normally and felt normally about it, but then it came back, starving instead of purging this time. needless to say, i am experienced with eating disorders and recovery from them.

this fanfiction portrays ana as a fear of food. that is absolute bullshit. talk to any anorexic, and you'll see that people w eds fucking LOVE food. its what drives us, its all we think about. its not the food itself we're "scared" of, its the weight and what that implies about us. for me, having done ballet and skating for my entire childhood, i felt pressure to be thin so i could deserve to be a skater and a danseur. if i wasnt thin, i felt like someone pretending to be those things. that, and i have to push myself to exhaustion to feel like i deserve to eat. it is NOT a fear of food. repeatedly throughout this fic, yuuri is shown being legitimately afraid of food, even crying while eating. that is the most cliche, unrealistic portrayal of eds, and it makes the fic much worse bc of it. its a little infuriating actually, bc it shows that whoever wrote this doesnt understand the experience of actual anorexics. and before you shit talk me, saying everyone has different experiences, i have several friends, both irl and online, who also have eds. none of us have ever acted like that. ever. go on any ed forum, and no one will say thats what having ana is like. its the way the media portrays eds, not the actual reality of having an ed.

then comes the recovery arc, though arc is a kind word for it. basically, phichit and yuuri have a talk, he eats three meals that same day, and the only struggles hes shown having is gaining three pounds. now, when you have an ed, three pounds feels like thirty. i can understand that part. however, yuuri just decides to recover, and never goes back on that decision, never is shown having anxiety abt recovering. he just... starts eating. that is absolutely NOT how recovery is. then, in a later scene, he and viktor are abt to have sex. despite his prior insecurity about gaining three lbs, he shows no hesitation in showing his body to viktor. then, the morning after, he (unprompted) starts talking abt wanting pancakes. do i even have to say that this is unrealistic??? does this author not realize that the first person someone w an ed worries abt after gaining weight is their partner??? especially asking for and talking abt such calorie dense food, anyone w an ed would be worried that their partner would see them as fat, or worse, assume they were faking their ed. so yuuri, who just entered recovery, just being fine w viktor seeing him with new weight, fine w him seeing him eat food that makes you fat is just so so so wrong. it feels like this author watched to the bone once and decided they knew everything abt eds.

so, in conclusion, if ur going to write a fic w eds as a prominent plot point/character feature, make it realistic. or, better yet, DONT FUCKING DO IT IF YOU DONT HAVE AN ED. DONT WRITE ABT AN ED YOU DONT HAVE. bc u will never understand the experience of living with it and through it. if you want to read my own fanfiction abt eds, my ao3 is linked in my bio and the work is for bungou stray dogs, its called None of Your Concern.

last but not least, if u feel the need to argue w me or be mean, the block button is a couple of clicks away. if you dont use it, i will <3

[wherestarsfallaway]

I feel like this is a scary place. It holds some of my deepest hurtful memories. Memories of anger and spite. Memories of loneliness and sadness. It holds everything I wish to forget. Yet why do i find rereading my horrible thoughts so comforting?

Is it because I’m so goddamn alone that reading someones darkness… even if its my own.. feels comforting. Because someone out there is feeling that darkness too. Except. Its all just me anyway. Sometimes i feel like I come back here because I can look at these memories and think wow but I dont feel like that any more… so ive healed and grown.

Sometimes… I come back here to read all my thoughts about being hurt. And literally validate myself. Reread those thoughts and think ok. Well. She documented this years ago. So it mustve actually happened. Instead gas lighting away my own hurt. And chalking it up to nothing because thats easier

Today is the 20th.. well 21st now of December. In a few short days itll be christmas time and ill be back at my parents. I typed home first. But… i just really cant consider that true.

It hurts me so so much that I can’t truly love my family. It just does. I have this fantasy that I go on a podcast and I admit all the trauma I grew up with and people comment on that video that they understand and thank me for my vulnerability. What the therapist in me says that means is, i just want to be asked how Im actually doing and feeling for once without lying. And then get the chance to vent my true feelings. And then be thanked for being honest and vulnerable because I never got that experience growing up.

Its so complicated. There are months even that we are fine. Months where i think life is okay. Months where i finally feel like ive moved on and learned to get over all this bullshit. But that isnt true. And i fucking know it. Because the smallest randomest things will trigger me and I realize I havent healed at all. Im just hoping that the passage of time will dull the pain. But it wont. At least not fast enough for me.

I want to elope. And thats mainly because I feel like the only people who truly made me safe deserve to be there on my biggest most special day. And that person happens to be the person im actually marrying. And literally no one else. Why should I pay for people who didnt do the absolute bare minimum to celebrate my day? What did you do to earn the plate of my dinner because this isnt some fucking charity event.

I just saw someone say if youre considering ending it all because you think your family will be better off, dont because it isnt true. Yeah. I sometimes feel that. Ive felt both. Ive felt that sheer loneliness so deep and bitter that i think my family will be better off without me. But other days I know it would ruin them and that makes me happier because I actually wanna end it all out of sheer spite. Can you believe that. Sometimes. I was so angry at it all. Angry at the facade everyone else seemed to believe about us being the perfect family, that i wanted to die just so people would have to attend my funeral and realize what a shitshow it all was. Can you imagine how much fucking pain you have to put someone through for that to literally be their dying wish.

I’ve been paying rent on my own for months now. Which. At some level I understand. Im grown. But im literaly addicted to living here on my own because im terrified now of ruining the one space that makes me happy. If i have to hold my breath any longer Ill just pass away. I cant stand to compromise any more because I’ve just done this shit for too fucking long. I dont wanna hold my breath and tiptoe around my own house. I wanna relax and feel something other than anxiety in the space thats supposed to be my home. But im also exhausted. I finished my final two days ago but I’ve already worked so many hours. Ive been falling asleep midday because Im so emotionally exhausted. I just cant.

And meanwhile my family is fucking partying in las vegas. That shit builds so much resentment in me. I dont have to explain it. You know it. You understand. You dont wanna feel the betrayal anymore of knowing you were going thru a crisis just as deep and bad as your sister. But you just shut your mouth better about it. And nobody ever apologized for what they put you through. So you dont ever get closure.

At this point im so tired and sad I cant even continue this letter. Even though i have so much I want to get off my chest. My head hurts. My head hurts so bad from staring at a screen for 9 hours.

I have the sinking feeling this xmas season… sigh. I dont want to manifest it. But I wish I didnt have to go. I wish I could spend that week here. I’m tired. I barely have the strength to do anything anymore. And now Ill have to spend this break pretending. I wish I didnt want their approval so much. And i wish I could just let them go and live the life i truly want to live. Im tired.

Sometimes I fantasize about moving somewhere in secret. Turning off my location. And just vanishing. So i would have no more obligations.

But i never get what i want.. so heres to more hopeless dreams

Gnight

[dotnscal]

 ignore this please. its the madness. shield thine eyes. its just fun for me to write these things down.

this is about to be so scary. all of my mental illness has been poured out

romangerri absent from much of this bc i dont have the mental capacity to think about them without boom. my head explodes.

the complexity of this is that kenstewy exists in a multiverse for me. like. there are 60 kenstewy universes existing in my head and i make no effort to differentiate them

anyways. selections from...

fearless (tv)

PEOPLE WILL HATE. PEOPLE WILL HATE FOR THIS........ but i had 1/3 of a celsius the other day and positively lost my mind listening to you belong with me imagining. the cheesiest kenstewy predicament. you know the one. it was insane. but wonderful

speak now (tv)

back to december..... yea its gonna be another kenstewy bullshit im sorry... im sorry.... just the hows life / tell me hows your family.... it feels like them.... then ithink about summer all the beautiful times / i watched you laughing from the passenger side / and realized i loved you in the faaaaall.... yea. yea

ours ... honorable kenstewy mention.... i lose it after the first verse but the first verse is like. lowkey them. sorry.

foolish one.......... i know its cheesy but... kenstewy pining.... 

you are not... the exception... you will never LEARN YOUR LESSON!!!!!!

you know how to keep me waiting / i know how to act like i’m fine / don’t know what to call this situation / but i know i can’t call you mine

cause when my head is on your shoulder / it starts thinking you’ll come around

cause you got her on your arm / and me in the wings / i’ll get your longing glances / BUT SHE’LL GET YOUR RING (!)

i can see you. honestly in my heart this is solidly a romangerri song.but i also think its sexy slay office romance business sex vibe. so it can really be utilized anywhere and everywhere <3 versatile queen

castles crumbling. if i think about this song too mcuh re: succession i will genuinely make myself sick and vomit. 

power went to my head and i couldnt stop / ones i loved tried to help so i ran them offffff / and here i sit alone behind walls of regret / falling down like promises that i never kept

my foes and friends watch my reign end i dont know how it couldve ended this way..........

now theyre screaming at the palace front gates used to chant my name now they’re screaming that they hate... me......... never wanted you to hate me....

red (tv)

state of grace ACOUSTIC. VERSION. i have no fucking evidence for this and no clear reasons but the ambience. the feel of it. is very...... kenstewy.

girls with daddy issues know that better man is not about a romantic relationship its actually about daddy issues when you see it with the daddy issues third eye. so.

on that note. the moment i knew can also be applied to daddy issues imo. i do this activity on a regular basis. and one day i thought about shiv bday or some fancy thing that logan did not attend (only one instance of this tho bc she is pinky <3) and it made me want to vomit and also die. 

red kenstewy ill die on this hill

1989

I KNOW PLACES. insanely kenstewy song idk man cant elaborate

sometimes i listen to clean and its like slay kendall bc obviously. when i was drowning thats when i could finally breathe. but also everything other than that line is far too fucking positive to be a kendall song in my heart

you are in love. stfu kenstewy it physically hurts me to listen to it. 

ONE NIGHT. HE WAKES. STRANGE LOOK. ON HIS FACE. PAUSES. THEN SAYS. YOURE MY. BEST FRIEND. AND YOU KNEW. WHAT IT WAS. HE IS. IN LOVE. 

reputation

look what you made me do this is. this is silly talk. but its so kendall. the drama of it. MY FATHER IS A MALIGNANT PRESENCE ERA. the old kendall cant come to the phone right now. 

i dont like your kingdom keys / they once belonged to me / you asked me for a place to sleep / locked me out. then threw a feast WHAT?!!? (thinking about it... this is also giving tomshiv a little hehe... shivorce....he did lock her out and throw a feast kinda)....

READY FOR IT IS ALSO KENDALL REP ERA. PLEASE IF YOU HAVE SEEN THE READY FOR IT KENDALL ROY EDIT WHERE IT OPENS W READY FOR IT AND WHEN SHE SINGS ‘KNEW HE WAS A KILLER’ IT FLASHES WITH K L R. PLEASE. PLEASE. IVE LOST IT AND I NEED IT. BADLY.

dont blame me kenstewy no i wont speak on it just the aura and vibes. my drug is my baby but also cocaine :o

dancing with our hands tied is simultaneously tomshiv (early tho. pre shivorce era) and kenstewy (i’m a mess but i’m the mess that you wanted).... i. I LOVED YOU IN SECRET

you said there was nothing in the world that could stop it / i had a bad feeling.

dress. you know. you know who this one is about. (let siobhan roy be horny). actually looking at thelyrics right now im also feeling some. shall we say. kenstewy mental illness seeping in (i dont want you like a best friend.... WHAT THA FREAK???)

getaway car honestly any fucking relationship in this show bc theyre always fucking around on each other!!!! theyre always up to shady shit!!! DONT PRETEND ITS SUCH A MYSTERY THINK ABOUT THE PLACE WHERE YOU FIRST MET ME (waystar royco)

so it goes... yea i cant comment it just fits everyone and everything but to me it will always be early tomshiv

lover

the man...... like cringe obviously ew cringe cringe. one time i said this to my sister and she said ‘thats because you havent experienced sexism.’ well now i have and im sorry but if i like to listen to the man and feel strongly about shiv roy i can do what i want and fuck you!!

false god cough cough kenstewy. no elaboration at this time.

unfortunately they are all the archer to me. all of them every last one. it oscillates depending on the line sometimes.

i cut off my nose just to spite my face / and i hate my reflection / for years and years.......

cause all of my enemies started out friends... coughcough romangerri coughcough shivorce....

WHO COULD EVER LEAVE ME DARLING... BUT WHO COULD STAY....

folklore

august. AUGUST. its kenstewy 20 year situationship to the fucking max.... early days... harvard days....... stfu i know they were summering in the hamptons and LIVING THIS SONG

whispers / of “are you sure?” / “never have i ever before” ..... stfu

wanting was enough / for me it was enough / to live for the hope of it all / cancel plans just in case you’d call

SO MUCH FOR SUMMER LOVE AND SAYING US CAUSE YOU WERENT MIIIIIINE TO LOOOSE

illicit affairs.... im not saying it im not saying it im not saying it NO! NO! GOD NO! (kenstewy affair era) NOOOO NOBODY SAID THAT

hoax........... another daddy issues song to me......... but also shivorce..... it contains multitudes....

peace. to me peace is like. tomshiv before they had very obvious and insurmountable issues and when they maybe liked each other. i feel that shiv has a very (repressed) desire to love and be loved and just kind of cant do it but like.... in her heart she wanted them to work but also.... they did not <3 oh baby they did not <3

exile.... yea its gonna be the shivorce yea yea yea who was shocked. who was surprised.

seven you already know where its going. 

i’ve been meaning to tell you / i think your house is haunted / your dad is always mad and that must be why / and i think you should come live with me / and we can be pirates / then you won’t have to cry / or hide in the closet

knife to my fucking gut aside.... oh baby is he (kendall) hiding in the closet :P (im so silly)

my tears ricochet giving daddy issues sorry. 

i didnt have it in myself to go with grace / ‘cause when i’d fight you used to tell me i was brave

you had to kill me but it killed you just the same / cursing my name / wishing i stayed / you turned into your worst fears

not even gonna take a crack at this is me trying. figure it out for yourselves i cant open that can of worms. 

the 1 i wont say it (kenstewy)

mad woman... shivvy. honey. were gonna get you out of here. ITS OBVIOUS THAT WANTING ME DEAD HAS REALLY BROUGHT YOU TWO TOGETHER. 

evermore

many people have said to me (no people have said this) olivia. if illicit affairs is giving kenstewy affair for you. what about ivy. i cant really speak on it but it just doesnt give the same effect. it doesnt fit them to me. idk. 

coney island SHIVORCE. ANTHEM. 

did i close my fist around something delicate? / did i shatter you? yup. yup. 

champagne problems i do not feel particularly strongly about actually in relation to succession ( i feel very strongly about it in my every day life ) but. she wouldve made such a lovely bride what a shame shes fucked in the head. 

now the daddy issues sufferers will once again recognize that tolerate it is also a song about daddy issues. 

“i notice everything you do or dont do / youre so much older and wiser and i / wait by the door like im just a kid / use my best colors for your portrait” yea yea

“i made you my temple my mural my sky / now im begging for footnotes in the story of your life / drawing hearts in the by line / always taking up too much space or time”

midnights

one time i was listening to anti hero and was like haha its kind of kendall bc its so dramatic and shit but then i was like. there are very few circumstances where he would admit to being the problem.

ok sorry. sorry i know i said coney island shivorce anthem but MIDNIGHT RAIN. SHIVORCE ANTHEM. 

i broke his heart cause he was nice (STFU) / HE WAS SUNSHINE I WAS MIDNIGHT RAIN / HE WANTED IT COMFORTABLE I WANTED THAT PAIN / HE WANTED A BRIDE I WAS MAKING MY OWN NAME (!!!!!) / CHASING THAT FAME

havent thought in depth about this one but. maroon. tomshiv. boom

labyrinth is SO early tomshiv that it hurts. shiv liking tom and being like. fuck what the fuck what the fuck. no. 

great war everybody because everybody fucks each other up in multiple ways. they are all always having great wars. 

mastermind is also astronomically tomshiv. they are both mastermind and mastermind is them but particularly shiv.

no one wanted to play with me as a little kid / so ive been scheming like a criminal ever since / to make them love me and make it seem effortless / this is the first time i felt the need to confess

hits different so fucking embarrassingly kenstewy its EMBARRASSING. how kenstewy it is to my heart. 

i pictured you with other girls / in looooove / then threw up on the street. (tell me that is not young kenstewy)

MOVING ON WAS ALWAYS EASY FOR ME TO DO. IT HITS DIFFERENT. IT HITS DIFFERENT CAUSE ITS YOU.

wouldve. couldve. shouldve. need i say.... shivorce. and it goes BOTH WAYS. particularly first verse and the bridge

if you tasted poison you couldve / spit me out at the first chance

living for the thrill of hitting you where it hurts / give me back my girlhood it was mine first

ok so sorry about this. i think im done now ( for now evil laugh). i think this was good for me. i do not have many fellow succession enjoyers in real life and do not wish to floor those who i am acquainted with. so i needed to write this down and throw it out here to drift away in the waters of oblivion.

cant believe taylor swift wrote so many songs about succession....