#itd just be fucking nice to
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doodle dump !!!
#my art#jevil#spamton#spade king#these are a looooot of things ive already posted in asks but i figured itd be nice to put them in one spot#the spamton pic counts because i had to edit that one. and i like him.#these are all really variable in ages the top one i just drew and the other ones range from Mildly Old to Old As Fuck#deltarune#<- how could i forget her.
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I feel like I am in that prime "kind of moved on from the previous interest but not really interested in anything else yet" time where I'll probably bounce from interest to interest at rapid speeds
#thylacines can talk#flip flopping between HK And FaaF and my own ocs AND I just watched Dungeon Meshi and i want to draw Chilchuck so fucking bad#also been thinking about The Red Deer (my beloved) and i wanna put him in FaaF also but Only him and his empire. i cant imagine the protagd#from that story in FaaF but i think he'd make an amazing antagonist who could actually go head to head with the gods without relying on#tricks. And as much as I've talked about wyrms typically being warmongering rulers i havent showed it in actuality and itd be nice to#include a wyrm villain
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So far i really dont care for the isha plotline ill be honest. It comes out of left field and feels fan-service-y. And this whole “found family uwu” direction with two of the most destructive characters in the show, and tying that to a literal child, is not my favorite.
HOPEFULLY the direction goes in the way of jinx fucking up with isha and realizing why vi did what she did and it being a contextualization thing. Because if it stays as jinx magically being well-adjusted and caring while vi falls apart and loses everything… ugh
#arcane#call me crazy but#the girl that was groomed by a violent psychopath for half her life might not be in a good place to raise a child#especially after she murdered said groomer after shooting indiscriminantly out of blind rage#and sevika can get fucked. hate sevika nothing can redeem her sorry#theres gotta be a backstabbing arc#aint no way she turned nice that quick#also like. give vi something#please#having to be a parent at a young age and desperately trying to keep people safe only to fail and be blamed for it#only to see the person that you failed seemingly take that role herself out of nowhere#itd break me#i know arcane is supposed to be greek tragedy -y but goddamn#let vi have one thing she can trust. doesnt even have to be a person. just fucking anything#rambling
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#text#polls#im rly curious abt this#i havent painted in foreverrr :{ i took an oil painting class that i loved but working with paint that never dries was difficult#but also helpful to be able to wipe it off even like a week after i fucked up lol#i liked it tho !! i wish id gotten to spend more time on my final bc it was so fun but i wasnt quite done#literally went in with a paint pen like last month to touch up some stuff#might go try and finish it fully but idkkkk. i dont have oil paints so id have to do it in acrylic and idk how easy itd be#ANYWAy#ive never worked with ink before and i only have worked with oil paint in that class#but the other three ive used a lot and when it comes to on Paper and not canvas#acrylic dries fast which is difficult for me#and watercolor dries slow bc. thats water. and it doesnt always go where i want it to#so usually i prefer gouache bc its a little thicker but not too thick and it dries quick but not too quick. a happy medium#just like goldilocks#on canvas tho i usually prefer acrylic#i think bc i get scared to use up my gouache paints on a bigger canvas#^saying all this and i havent painted in months. </3#im not even particularly good at it i just like it. makes me happy#waugh. its nice out today maybe i'll go out and paint :} it miught rain tho#so who knows
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it is genuinely crazy how little doctors tell u abt procedures before they do them, it should be explained wtf something is before they do it like ask if the patient actually knows what x procedure entails and what it will be like before subjecting them to it
#fucking nuts#i straight up didnt realize biopsy entailed slicing My Flesh Off until they had uh. done it sent me home n i took my bandaid off a few days#later . and i was like oh. theres like a hole in me#bc i thought itd just be like freezing off a wart! not slicing my whole me up!#and the quote Little Pinch On Your Cervix unquote planned parenthood told me vis a vis getting n iud put in was fucking BULLSHITTTT#THAT SHIT WAS THE WORST PAIN IVE FELT IN MY LIFE#AND IVE WALKED ON A BROKEN FOOT FOR A WEEK AND HAD AN OVARIAN CYST WITHOUT KNOWING IT#WHATEVER HAPPENED TO INFORMED CONSENTTTT#anyway. im like a fairly educated individual so if this is how it is for Me i can only imagine what its like for other ppl!!!!#like im not a doctor or anything but i have interest in medical history and disease and epidemiology and shit#and i listened to a whole 2 hr podcast on skin cancer so its not like idk abt the mechanisms and shit#but. itd be nice to know. if im gonna get cut up yknow .#i straight up didnt even see like the scalpel or razor or whatever they used 😭😭😭#maybe its bc it was on me back so that added a layer of fuckery to this all but. my point stands.#a2t#text
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i like overthink everything now it makes me feel so dumb. i used 2 be able to just talk 2 ppl but nowadays every single thing im like Is that actually going to make them hate me. Yes probably. and then i just dont respond which makes ppl hate me. this is how it is
#ive been overthinking 1 light and casual mildly funny response to something but im worried itll come off as disrespectful and dismissive And#make me seem stupid and uncaring all at the same time. and also be seen as insulting. but like idt itd be insulting right like. im not#saying what it is so ig for all you guys know im like I mean if i say All your shit suck ball and i hateit kys. <- thats not the thing i was#going to say#like it doesnt matter now the window for response is closed now but i feel stupid bc i shouldve just said it it was light and casual. im so#bad at keeping convos gojng im convinced im not going to survive. In like a light and casual way like in a He will not make it through the#winter joke way. dw. im not going to do anything bc i had One failed interaction. if i was going to do anythjng itd be bc of the 8000000#other failed interactions. But im not. anyways. it just makes me feel so useless 😭 like i want to respond i want to talk to ppl so bad but#i feel like i mess things up Irreparably every time i speak OR i take too LONG overthinking my response and then i just cant respond bc its#been too long and then its been 3 years and the only messages ive ever sent r my intro message and 1 message 2 years ago that nobody#responded to at all. or the conversation stopped immediately after. and like i used to be better at this i was lkke. talkative in a couple#muts servers like. i talked 2 ppl daily in those servers and i had fun and like. I was an important part of the group and i felt like it#but i just feel like such an outsider for Everything and its literally my fault bc i cant just like. Talk. The explosion. bc im always like#im gonna try im gonna do it this time im gonna get it back im going to finally be Good connor and im going to fix it all and make a Good#solid friend group and ill find HEALTHY LOVE and i wont selfsabotage and ill move out and have a job and ill balance it well and ill start#all my hobbies and ill have a great routine and be so loveable and on top of it and not stressed and content and happy and roll with the#punches and then theres a single hiccup and im like Well fuckinf whatever im going to be an unemployed hermit forever and im going to die b4#im 25 anyways so Who cares and also im digging a little hole for myself. and its like. AUGHH ik i just have to persevere and overcome but#even saying that feels so stupid its not fucking hard its Talking to ppl. like. i literally if ive ever said a word to you i had to think#avt it and strategize how to respond right even for like. like. it makes it sound like its not genuine it is#like for example i want to say hey i love your art! but then i freak out and im like thats not normal thats like a rly generic comment they#hear that all the time theyll thjnk im being polite and my brains like hrmmm rewrite Your art changed my life. It shaped me. Ill never be#the same. Nad im like ok too far overcorrected go back and the sentence generator is like Your art has colors 💯 like. GOD. WHY IS IT SO#difficult. and then usually i either just dont say anythinf and feel awful abt it 4ever OR i send it on anon and then i spend like 15#minutes ibsessively slightly tweaking the apelling and capitalization and punctuation to make sure it doesnt seem like its me just in case#it Is the worst possible thing to say but then i see the response and itll be like AWWW TYSM :] THIS MEANS A LOT or whathaveyou and i feel#stupid bc i couldve just Told them this to their face and it wouldve been a good positive interaction we had. but instead i had 2 hide and#tyoe entirely differently so they couldnt sniff me from my typing style. and it soesnt even feel like the thanks is actually 4 me bc i#tweaked the message sm. and it still makes me happy that the oersons hapoy but its like. that couldve been a nice mutual interaction#like not that i need a personal ty i compliment ppl when i Want to compliment ppl and when its genuine yk. i dont do it so i get mutualpoint
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ok yea i need to put pro kink back in my pinned.. its a pain i even need to but anti kink people following me is annoying LOL
#wishy speaks#its like#u would Hate me if i was more open abt certain things#and i know i cant expect all my followers to be people id get along with but itd be nice to not suddenly get a dm saying like#hey i cant trust you to not be a complete fucking freak anymore. bye#actually happened when i changed my url btw#like cool man. i do not care#just unfollow and block quietly go away!!#sheesh#ok rant ova#actually adding more tags#i kinda forget sometimes that not everyone is based#far from it actually. on this hellsite#like i step outside of my mutual circle and WOW i cannot stand literally any of you people!#and i Hate saying discourse words i hate shipping discourse especially#but i am ok with saying pro kink. bc kink comes with the whole risk aware consenting adults assumption#and anyone trying to imply kink is anything But risk aware consenting adults is in bad faith#still..annoying that i even have to#tumblr users have a little faith in other people's autonomy challenge?#and yes i Am hoping the person i just blocked sees this. i can be a petty little bitch as a treat. i have a headache i am allowed a treat
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🎬: Please do not remind me Kazui and Kotoko didn't get their songs covered by Es 😭 It was such a disservice. I'm gonna just chalk it up to Kazui's voice is so deep that Es couldn't sing it properly and by the time Kotoko's MV was shown to them, the first trial ended before they could even sing it.
Or, y'know. Your AU, so Es did cover their songs too.
Also another thing for post-MILGRAM hangout where Es joins in too...KARAOKE (didn't Milgram have some sort of karaoke-related event running earlier?) Or maybe they have their own karaoke party at someone's home (I know someone has a karaoke set at home!), so they sing their songs and encourage Es to sing too...and pleeeeease sing "half" and "harrow" too (this will lead to Es finding out they've been eavesdropping on their singing. Hey!). Bonus that Deco's song is such a bop in the AU that everyone sings the songs they covered.
...my train of thought is still running, but I just imagined this AU's Milgram allowed everyone to gradually accept their faults that almost led them to their crime. Soooo Mahiru is still just as sweet, BUT rocks it when she sings "Psychogram". Also Amane, I like to imagine at this point she can be a bit more of a kid (I can dream!), so she's sort of bouncing around when she sings "Positive Parade" and "Animal" while the girls dance with her.
But with that said, I hope we'll get more Es' song covers! Or at the very least make up for "half" and "harrow"...and c'mon, Es didn't get to sing at all this trial. What gives?!
RIP I know 😭 I'm hoping we'll get a bunch of covers to fill the trial hiatus, and that they'll start with those two!! I know some people were worried that they would never get covers because they didn't reach 1M before the trial closed, but I think that's an oddly unfair requirement for the later prisoners. So I'm confident we'll get them at some point!
Kotoko's does make a bit more sense -- it was right at the end of the trial, and there wasn't much too break down in the lyrics because she was very forthcoming with information/intention. And I like that explanation for Kazui's! Es was intimidated by his voice and didn't want to do it an injustice by singing it poorly. Maybe Kazui makes a snide comment that they would have actually understood his crime better if they'd studied/sang his lyrics like the others' 😅
And I love the post-Milgram thoughts! Given Yuno's mvs and her written response about liking karaoke, I can definitely see her taking everyone out to her favorite karaoke spot. I like that too because the covers were kind of an indulgent inclusion of mine -- I knew they didn't quite fit in during the trial hiatus but I really wanted it to happen asdfdsn. Like, I know Amane wouldn't do frivolous things, and Kotoko/Shidou/Kazui would try to take the situation seriously and not play around. But if it's all after the experiment... >:3
Thank you 🎬! I'm keeping my fingers crossed for those covers soon 😤🤞
#milgram#amane would feel better about having normal fun and without their duty in mind the adults could have more fun :')#it looks like kotoko has an unhealthy relationship with her duty/responsibility so itd be really nice for her to open up and have some fun#that would explains why they go so hard in the covers too!#because if youre just fucking around with 'coworkers' you wouldnt go super hard on the emotions/power#but out at karaoke night with your friends? oh you can put your whole chest into those psychogram verses#you can bring the crowd to tears with your neo-neon rendition#you can go crazy go stupid with an animal cover#absolutely loving the idea that deco*27 is part of my au canon now#maybe i should add yamanaka while im at it LMAO#thank you sm aahhh!#speaking of es covers i gotta go loop triage a few more times........#lights camera sing your sins
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I’ve said it before that it’s like. weird to have reached this point where I really only want to have sex with a small subset of people I am genuinely attracted to as people.
#unimportant thoughts#I don’t know.#just weird to me i always thought id hoe it out if i could#and I know i could#but it just…kinda turns my stomach to imagine having sex with anyone i dont genuinely care about#theres like 4 people i specficially about in that way#2 of them being partners#and the idea of having sex with anyone else…#like yeah itd be hot and fun but I know id feel like shit after cause i dont care about them enough the way i care about those people#and it sucks cause i want to have more sex! i wanna fuck my friends! i love sex holy shit !#but it just feels gross to me right now if its not someone I love I guess.#and it also feels gross to me to purposefully seek out other people to love like that#i already have four people i csre about like that#i dont need any more yk#I don’t know maybe ill get over it !#thatd be kinda nice cause it feels ridiculous a lot of time
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Uugghhhhhhhhhhhh why do autism evaluations have to be so complicated
#idk i started looking into them#at this point in my life im not going to like. idk die if i dont 100% know if im autistic#if anything im p sure its both adhd and autism#im also ocd so#either way. i finally accept i am neurodivergent. I know my body i know my mind#but itd be nice to not second guess myself yknow#i heard the waiting lists r crazy#and the priv assessment costs r crazy#keep hearing horror stories abt biased doctors#its all just so#my friend whos diagnosed can so easily say she doesnt vibe w self diagnosis#her family was thankfully v accepting and supportive#im so happy for her#but my family is not like that ...... i slipped thru the cracks very easily lol#she told me to go get assessed and like ofc. i want to. id love to!#sjajdkdkwkd idk#brain stuff#minnie post#99.9% sure im audhd like#how can i not be looking back on my Entire Fucking Life
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saw the anon that mentioning a marriage reveal and honestly i am not even the biggest on the “marriage” train because i don’t care about marriage and to me they don’t even seem like the type that care either but this video really gives Marriage Soft Launch vibes like the married couple energy is too intense
i do get “marriage is just a piece of paper” vibes from them since it quite literally is, they’ve done the other things already (building a life and house together, travelling, house plants, norman) so marriage is just a title. but also dan is such a whore for symbolism and ‘deeper meaning’ so i wouldn’t be surprised if he has the desire to be officially married. but then again there’s the whole heteronormative side of weddings and marriage that would also have an effect on him. it does feel like a soft launch though. terrifying and intense
#i can’t remember which one of them said the piece of paper thing. i think phil?#asks#anonymous#my partner and i have discussed getting married. like we’ve looked for rings together#but also. she’s get a government pension so its not beneficial to get married itd fuck up her income#and like I don’t even want a wedding. i just want a ring but do i? is it just all ive been told that i want?#it’s such a waste of money. my brother is in $40k debt for his wedding because he felt he needed one#so dumb. i think I just want to try on a wedding dress and have a nice ring but even then#anyways… she has already causally asked me to marry her so idk if im engaged . much to think about
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I'd love to see more Reigen and Ritsu interactions in fics. Ritsu is such an angsty edgy 13 year old and it's hilarious how he just does not like this sweaty salt toting conman. I need to see them work on cases together, maybe Ritsu tagging along with or filling in for Shigeo, and the two have to bond and play nice to function and get things done. Even better if there's some whump involved and they come out of it not exactly being super friendly around each other but now knowing they care about each other. There's not as much bite behind Ritsu's jabs and Reigen's a bit more open to reaching out to help the kid out when needed.
#mp100#reigen arataka#kageyama ritsu#phantom bunnies#ritsu not exactly *hating* reigen but doesn't exactly *like* him his distain is so funny to me#give them an adventure where reigens big brother/dad/weird uncle instincts come out#and it turns out that isnt reserved for just shigeo#it extends to ritsu too#give them a family bonding trip where they learn to better tolerate each other#shigeo also being there to supervise optional#i just think their dynamic is fun and itd be nice to see it develop#also ageswap version is so fucking funny ritsu having beef with a child (tho the underlying reasons do be delicious for angst)
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anyway dc x dp is my new fixation hell and i've had so many ideas for aus but one that's really sticking with me is a classic "danny has to run away to gotham because his home is no longer safe" au where danny is explicitly looking for other ghosts or at the very least is pulled to gotham because there are so many of them there.
he flies around for a while and finds this manor and he can sense so many nice ghosts! so he just. goes there! and stays! and this can be human danny showing up at their door injured or it can be ghost danny just flying in but regardless, the waynes would never turn him away. bruce would get suspicious absolutely, but he's seen enough traumatized abused kids to know the signs. thomas and martha? they think this new ghost kid is adorable!!
there could be angst sure but idk i love the idea of danny getting hurt by his parents or the giw and being so wary of more humans, and this place full of friendly ghosts would be so enticing. ghosts that don't try to immediately wreck his shit? ghosts that get territorial but are also extremely welcoming and have a habit of letting new kids into their haunt? the batfam who've dealt with the paranormal before and wouldn't give a shit? that's a normal tuesday for them babes. like please, danny just found heaven and it's in gotham.
despite all the "batfam adopts danny" aus i've seen, i rarely see people mention the ghosts of dead family members who would absolutely still be there and would definitely want to help danny :(
#anyway unrelated but as much as i love the concept of the batpham i do hate how all of it is soo ooc for the bats#like bruce may think danny is a meta at first but he wouldn't discount ghosts or Not believe him#and cmon the whole 'this bat doesn't even believe in ghosts' like babes santa clause is real in the dcu#ghosts is normal actually#and usually it doesnt bother me that much like i get that most people arent here for the bats#but i do really hate seeing hurt danny aus where the bats are just so... callous and uncaring about danny#like i get that its for the angst but like. the blorbos would Not say that ajkdhg#like they are The Protectors of Gotham and you seriously think theyd ever act uncaring or rude to an injured kid?#i feel like people forget that that batkids fighting each other has everything to do with family sibling issues#and specifically not wanting said siblings to be their siblings#and not like. them just being assholes to random strangers#like i get them maybe being rude if its an adoption au or secretly related au but even then#danny is also very nice and likeable and he's not gonna fight for their roles or try to insert himself in their dynamics#he's like the best random kid bruce Could pick up#anyway very unrelated to the post im just feeling some kind of way :(#i love the bats and i wish the fandom cared about them more :(#ANYWAY i love this little idea im specifically thinking alfred would be the first to figure it out#he just does man. he just Knows that someone else has been added to the family#i think itd be fucking hilarious if a new random tombstone got added to the family grave#bruce visits and he's mourning his parents and then he just sees daniel fenton and he's like who the fuck#'do i have amnesia?? concussion?? dementia????? who the fuck is this ancestor???????'#danny is eating alfred's cookies in the background and sweat laughing#danny: do i tell him or nah?#alfred: if you don't you'll get to see master bruce's detective skills in action 👨🏼🦳#.txt
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idk how to politely tell my parents that as much as i would love to go to brugges with them in a year and a bit i cannot afford it. Theyre like 'save £80 a month and you'll be fine' and its like. i would have a whole of £190 a month for food if i did that each month. Do you wanna live on £190 a month for food? For a year and a half? Its not happening.
#itd be nice ofc i wanna go but like.#theyre all 'if u tell urself u cant do anything cause of money then u wont do anything' YEAH. THATS THE POINT. I NEED MONEY TO DO THINGS.#ESPECIALLY IF YOURE EXPECTING ME TO PAY TO GO.#like i love that u live in a world where u can just book a holiday abroad and not worry about it#but im now gonna be dealing with budgeting for a 5 day holiday for a year and a half. what the fuck.#i might tell them i cant do it
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if theres one bit of scifiish feeling tech i wish we had it would be instant at-home blood testing stuff. like, blood tests can be so informative but theyre so much of a hassle and here at least theyre expensive to just go have done (both bc of the test itself and a docs visit that might be required to order tbe tests). its so dumb that i have to jump thru so many hoops just to figure out if i still got a vitamin D deficiency or if im good now or if i actually overdid it and i have TOO MUCH vitamin D now.
i wish i just had some Device in my home that i could just weekly stick my hand in and (pain free bc sci fi they figured out how to make needles not hurt) it just does a teeensy prick of blood and looks at it and the screen is like. yeah mostly looking good but you need a bit more vitamin A. also cool it on the vitamin D. oh and btw you might wanna check in with a doc bc you got some signs of early onset arthritis. i just want to kno whats goin on in my blood without making appointments and spending Money Dollars is that too much to ask???
(i assume st like this probs exists in star trek but probablt not even any blood pricking. that doctor fuck just points a thingy at u and says hey dude u need more calcium. idk i havent watched much but Yeah)
#buzzy#mostly i find it inconveniwnt bc#well i found out i had a vitamin D deficiency but idk if thats. fixed yet?#and vit D u can actually overdo bc its fat soluable#vitamins being too low or too high can fuck u up and itd be nice if i just had A Device here in my house that would keep an eye on that#and just. tell me when to chill out and when to take supplements#for bonus scifi points it has a replicator type thing and it gives u the Optimal Vitamins to fix whatever teensy issues
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#personal#it feels like im not allowed to complain about my own life on my own blog#or at least that if im allowed to that it seems very firstworld problem very selfish very not appropriate with all thats going on#that people will and do think less of me for expressing my own sadness and frustrations because theres no way it compares#to a lot of peoples very big and very real problems#but im so fucking sick of being poor and small. all ive had to eat today is 2min noodles roughly 10 hours ago#and all ill get tomorrow is a bowl of 2min noodles but ittl be another 15 or so hours until its the most reasonable to eat that#thats the real girlmath and then thats the last of my noodles. that leaves me with one (1) small tin of tuna#which might end up being tonights intermediary food if i really cant wait 15 nore hours for my next noodles but is supposed to be#the one meal of the day after tomorrow. so if i eat it too soon then i have even more time that i just dont fucking eat#im so sick to death of being in this position. like its literally killing me and theres fuck all i can do to make it better#ive tried. and i try and i try and i try but i can never afford anything#my landagent keeps sending me textx asking when theyll see a patment for my $50 water bill#i have to stop myself from texting back every time. youll see payment when im not spending literally 75% of my pay on rent alone#when i can afford to buy food and bills at the same time. whn i dont feel like kms-ing would be better than paying you my rent every frtnite#i crave a burger so bad i cant make myself do any tasks. i cant start or continue any crafts or chores because all im thinking about#is a burger like a blorbo rotating in my mind alongside the background noise that i wont get a burger and will only get noodles but not for#hours. a whole days worth of hours almost#my shitawful roomate is back and i have to play nice but he gives me the same feelings my abusive mother did. im scared to leave my room#in the safeplace house ive spent the last two years building for myself. this feels awful. things were all going so right and now#all of a sudden theyre all going as wrong as possible and im struggling so much. with no one to help. no one cares enough to help#the few people i do have are wrapped up in their own lives. which i get. but it doesnt take away the hurt of dealing with it all alone again#lot of momma trauma coming up with the end of eclipse season and i thought i was handling it. now i just feel fucking awful all the time#like ik healing isnt linear but the roomate triggers so hard things i thought i had processed and was on top of#would a burger fix that? no but itd atleast give me something to emotionally lean on for strength though it. but all ive got is noodles#24 hour apart one meal per day noodles. and tomorrow is my last pack. my only solace lately is that ive been invited to my first ever rave#or my first real rave anyway ive only been to one other 'edm event' that was not really a rave of any scale it was like 25 people#but its a halloween rave so im hoping for spooky fun dancetimes at least theres that. im out of data and spotifyprem so i havent been able#to take my silly little mental health walks bc theres zero chance im doing that without music and so itll be noce to get outside fr the rave#anyway. im doing very poorly i appreciate you few who reached out while i wasnt active but i expect ill continue to do poorly for some time
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