#it's weird but it feels the same as when i realized i'm acespec

[bi-moonlight]

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[genderqueerdykes]

Is it weird that I'm angry about being acespec because of the asexual community doesn't feel... welcoming? I'm acespec, but a huge part of my identity is based around consensual, explicit, kinky, very much sexual pleasure and joy with myself and with my partners. And every time i enter an asexual community space, i am inundated with people who share my identity label just bashing and hating and spewing negativity about an activity that is really, really important to how I perceive myself. It's taken me years to feel comfortable with myself sexually, I grew up in a conservative household, I've heard sex shaming and kink shaming time and time again from the people around me. And now I'm acespec, in acespec spaces, and I'm hearing the exact same rhetoric from people who I would've expected to know better, being queer themselves. It makes me wish I wasn't asexual at all.

hey, i think it's totally okay to feel cheated by this, actually!

i struggled with being in the ace community for a long time for that reason- while i think it's okay for people to have a space to express having 0 sexual attraction and not enjoying sex, it's not fair for folks to assume that all asexual people actively dislike sex, and especially kink. there are loads of asexual people in kink- i socialize with a lot of kinksters and a * lot * of folks in that lifestyle are acespec. myself included!

the sex and kinkshaming definitely isn't cool and i've had an ace friend who was like that in the past. he was out as ace to all of our friends and they accepted him for being ace, but when i came out as aro, nobody respected that as a legitimate identity, i got seen as "copying" him, and he didn't have any kind of solidarity with me whatsoever. he instead just chose to shame and mock me for enjoying sex and kink, and tried to make me look like i was a bad person because of it

sex and kink can be super healthy parts of life for a lot of people, and ace/acespec people are no different. i agree with you, i think the ace community does have a long way to come in terms of making people feel welcome and accepted. i left the community after i realized. most. of the conversations were about sex, but in a negative way, and i didn't join the ace community to join the "we hate sex" club! i joined it because i want to express my unique relationship with sexuality!

i hope you can feel a bit better soon, i totally understand. sometimes i wish i wasn't aro because the community isn't really all there and i struggle feeling okay with that part of myself sometimes. i totally get what you're saying and i hope you're able to feel better, even if just with how you identify and who you are. you don't deserve to be shamed or feel bad for these important parts of who you are. take care, stay safe, good luck in the mean time, feel free to let us know if you need anything else!

[gray-ace-space]

Hi,

(Sorry if this is not the right place to ask)

Can you share what it feels like to be sexually attracted to someone? I'm like, how can I confirm that I don't feel attraction when I have no idea what people mean by attraction?

hi, i think this is a decent place to ask. being capable of feeling sexual attraction but lacking it most of the time means i'm very aware of the difference and can at least accurately identify it. but also pls remember i'm one weirdo and my experiences aren't universal.

a little oversharing ahead.

it's only happened to me a handful of times and it makes me crazy stupid. like the level of horniness that comes over me at the mere thought of the person i'm attracted to is staggering. everything inside me does a weird flip. the images are vivid. the feeling spreads and consumes.

(i'm fairly certain sexual attraction only feels so overpowering to me because of the rarity, and in actuality i don't feel it as strongly as allos.)

sometimes it's more chill, it sorta flickers instead of blazing, but it's the same sort of wave of pleasure from thinking about or looking at someone specific. for me that pleasure is largely intellectual and barely physical at all, which after discussing it with allos i realize isn't very common.

i also need to be in love for this to happen, so it ends up tangled with romantic feelings and stuff, so i kinda suck at conceptualizing it separately.

acespecs often describe the feeling of sexual attraction as scary and uncomfortable. which is valid that that's how they feel, but i don't. i like it! it's definitely distinct and intense, but i think it's nice.

i told an allo friend i got this ask and she said it was setting me up to fail, because it's just fundamentally a difficult thing to convey in words. i tried my best, but imo it comes down to this:

usually, if a person asks what attraction feels like, they don't have it. not always, some people just struggle with distinguishing feelings in general, there are actually a lot of gray aces whose response to "do you feel sexual attraction" will be "fuck if i know." but most of the time, when you experience it, you'll know that's what it is.

hope this helps a bit tho.

[qlventingspace]

Buckle up darlings, because I'm gonna expose you to my weird ramblings and sorta self-exploratory shit regarding asexuality and kink.

(this is your cue to leave if you don't wanna hear that)

After a chat with my dear friend I realized that it baffles me (in a good way, like wow this is so interesting!) how many differences there are in acespec people. How many factors are influencing our view on sexuality and how many details are often needed to explain our sexuality and our unique take on relationship with sexual stuff and relationship stuff.

You could generalize and say, asexuality is lack of sexual attraction. And it sorta is...but then... it also isn't, not always.

It's little to zero sexual attraction or it is 100% sexual attraction with the right emotional investment for a particular person or it is anywhere from 1% to 100% just under very specific circumstances or it's very randomly and unexpectedly sexual attraction or it's attraction only to fictional people and not real people or it's attraction to person as long as they don't reciprocate or...

I'm not even sure how many more different and unique details there can be that are all very different and specific but at the end of the day it just all boils down to asexuality.

I think most aces either knowingly or unknowingly doubt their aceness.

And if you throw in some confusing stuff which is not usually stated as the "universal asexual experience" then you come out of it even more confused.

Am I ace if...?

Okay, so we handled sexual attraction. How about some views on sex?

The usual: sex-positive, sex-negative, sex-indifferent, sex-favorable, ... Describing your view on sex in general, your view on others having sex, or how you yourself feel about participating.

Not confused enough yet?

Throw in some libido, then.

Masturbate just because your body needs an outlet? To relieve stress? Just cause you're curious? Or do you also enjoy it? Seek it out? You like to look at some nsfw pictures? Like to get horny? Imaginary situation to get you off is fine but not real life? And what about your special someone, real life is not okay unless it's about them?

You still with me? Still not confused enough?

Alright then, throw in Kink.

How is it that you have kink while being ace? How can you be ace if you enjoy certain kinks? *horrified gasp* Kinks while masturbating?! *clutches pearls* Are you still ace? Are you not just pretending or scared of relationships? (imagine annoying inner voice)

And now to me.

It surprised me how many people who are engrossed in VegasPete and absolutely adore and love and identify with kinky king Pete are asexuals.

I'm not saying all of you are kinky and it's none of my business. Fiction is fiction and we often love characters we do not identify one bit with.

But...

For me, Pete was kinda revelation. Distant memory. And longing.

And oh boy it had led me into another fit of re-discovering myself and re-discovering or perhaps also reshaping my view of my own asexuality.

Often people see aces as innocent, naive and awkward regarding sex and sexual situations.

So to see people headcanoning Pete (kinky and incredibly not innocent Pete!) as demi might not make sense to many people. It does to me.

I am not immune to the deep-rooted view I adopted through my more than 20 years of living "heavy kissing inherently leads to sex" and "engaging in kink is also inseparable from sex"-

I still struggle with the thought that kink doesn't need to be linked to sex. I am baffled by the thought that people do kink with other people. Or in front of other people. My mind just don't wanna grasp that.

But at the same time I understand that some things feel good on their own. And some things feel good with the added bonus of slightly different kinds of pleasure.

There is also a very clear distinction for me when I think about doing this things alone vs. doing them with imaginary someone in imaginary situation vs. doing them with someone in real life.

Bit lacking still good, good plus longing and get this away from me.

Many experiences like this seem to be in stark contrast from the experiences of the ace majority (or at least most talked about experiences that seem to be complete nah or mostly indifference towards sex, masturbation and kink). It has lead me to questioning if I am actually ace, when I have this weird relationship with sexual stuff and yet...somehow, I never felt anything but asexual.

M' point is, I don't think I had a point.

BUT I wanna spread different ace experiences and if this helps at least one ace to find themselves or to stop doubting themselves than it is worth it.

Unless tumblr decides again that my posts are not worth sharing in the assigned tags in searches, lol.

[transsexualhamlet]

for the ship ask thing uhhh mikayuu maybe and also i'm curious about your opinion on soukoku considering that it's probably the most popular ship in the fandom and the fact that you ship fyozai

also have a good day

oooooh i will do both soukoku and mikayuu >:)

putting this under a cut because it's LONG and rather controversial

Ok well Mikayuu first.

It has been a Hot Second since I've rlly been in the ons fandom, and I've changed a lot since then, I think?

I've always been a Mikayuu lover, they're just my og queers, the ship I've had for the longest that I was really in the fandom for and I hold them gently

However now that I've yknow, had Two Years more to distance myself and the way I looked at it when I was a kid I do realize I really like it as a QPR more than a normal romantic/sexual ship, where both Mika and Yuu are on the aro and ace spectrums.

The last time I was in the fandom I wasn't yet out as aroacespec and I wasn't really aware of the whole deal surrounding those things but I think I like it even more now that I can recognize those things in him.

Mika is canonically acespec, I think, I think mostly because of trauma- the whole "vampires don't feel sexual desires" thing is vague and weird and I, don't really understand what they're trying to get at there other than trying to make excuses for Ferid being Weird (which, 100 percent doesn't excuse him lol, if anything it incriminates him More)

And I think that I'm just gonna go ahead and autism diagnose both Mika and Yuu, Yuu has no fUCKING CLUE what the difference between platonic, familial, and romantic love is and he doesn't care to try to figure it out. He knows he loves his friends and he knows he loves Mika and it is both the same and different and they are all family to him. That's like, mood Yuu. I don't think he really cares if it is romantic or platonic and I think he would be very affectionate with everyone indiscriminately tbh so it is difficult to like, really see that.

God, there's always been this huge fight over whether mikayuu is familial platonic romantic etc and the answer is IT DOESNT FUCKING MATTER because YUU DOESNT HAVE A FUCKING CLUE and no amount of affection/no Feelings or words are really are able to determine that, it's only how they define it I suppose.

Anyway I love them and they are my baby queers and they love each other and that's all that is important :)))

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And, part two! Soukoku. So. You asked for my brutal opinion. I am Sorry.

I have mixed feelings on soukoku ngl.

Now don't think that my fyozai shipping at all gets in the way of soukoku, I'm a huge multishipper, I've written soukoku fic, obviously there is no fucking universe where chuuya and dazai do not have an INTENSE romantic and sexual history. They're obviously gay. They obviously fuck. I don't know what idiot could think they haven't had gay sex

But yknow. Things are more complicated than that.

I think they were definitely together while Dazai was in the mafia, there's no doubt about that, and I think they to some extent enjoyed each other's company and probably did dumb gay teenager things.

But god, do I think they're together now or could ever really work it out to be a good couple long term?

Hmmmm Maybe. I have mixed feelings. I'm not sure. I don't think they're sure either, they definitely have unresolved beef and they definitely have one night stands every so often, but could I ever see them being in a stable relationship? Actually bettering each other in any way? I just don't really think so.

I kind of hate most of the fandom's takes on soukoku, and I don't think there's anything wrong with people who do ship it or want them to be happy together, you do you man. I don't like people who harrass soukoku shippers like, who spends their time doing that. Unless they're the Weird Kind, I don't give a shit.

But ever since I read stormbringer I kind of lost my taste for soukoku, esp past dark era. I just think Chuuya can and should do better SHDGHHSIDGHO

They definitely have a lot of interesting history and dynamics to interpret and look through, and I love looking at them in dazai's PM years and looking at their relationship through a magnifying glass, but what I see when I look at them is a fundamentally bad, codependent, unhealthy relationship.

SO basically what im trying to say is do i think they are in a relationship? Yes before he left, Sometimes after he left. They never really broke up I don't think. Do I think it's a GOOD relationship? No the fuck I do not.

And I'm not one of those fuckwads who insists one of them is to blame for everything, no they're both equally shitty to each other and they're just a fundamentally bad combination that hurt each other.

They can't communicate, they encourage each other to make bad decisions, they purposefully emotionally and physically harm each other, they certainly do care about each other and have attachments to each other but they also hate each other's fucking guts and neither of them want to or have the emotional capacity to work that out.

The best thing they can do for their mental health is to stay the fuck away from each other for now, at least until the both of them are older, less mentally ill, and more emotionally mature. I'm putting their relationship on the top shelf and wagging my finger at them because they proved they can't handle it even after four years

Both of them are like. Honestly pretty responsible and mature people when not around each other. Like, Chuuya is smart, respectable, strong, and would be a good mentor/parent. (Dazai wouldn't. But he's better than he would be if he was around chuuya often.) I'm not gonna lie I don't understand people who see them as getting married or having kids! I feel so sorry for those kids! Soukoku custody battle when! Chuuya took the fucking kids!

So man, I don't care if you do want them to make up and be happy but i think a lot of people just don't realize that canonically they Are Not in a great place and they are not just a Cool Violent Couple TM. I feel that their relationship is really interesting and important but it's not something I really feel needs to continue for them to be happy, although eventually it possibly could. Chuuya could do better. Dazai has plenty of options that maybe aren't like. Better people but are certainly better suited to him. I don't know, I just. It's complicated.

ANYWAY THANK YOU FOR THE ASK AND I AM SO SORRY THIS IS SO LONG