#and reading the book about i just felt so so validated like wow

[bi-moonlight]

.

[nukeyyy]

finished interview with the vampire season 2 last night and wow what an amazing show 😭 i cried at least once per episode lmao. thoughts BELOW (warning: long post + major spoilers for the show -obvs-)

the actors are phenomenal and i'm always blown away by sam and jacob's chemistry on-screen. i also can't get over how eric bogosian and luke brandon field not only look so much alike but also manage to act very similarly (like the mannerisms, speech patterns etc.)??? like i know it's their jobs as actors but every time i saw young daniel i was just so impressed lol. amazing casting, amazing talent, amazing actors

i had been spoiled for so many things for s2 (i never read the books), like claudia dying, lestat being alive, armand having erased louis's memory and daniel becoming a vampire. yeah that's a lot... i didn't know how it'd be executed in the show at all but i just knew those facts because i wasn't careful enough online whoops 🥲 i was still gagged seeing all those moments on-screen though so i don't mind haha

also i relate to louis character so much it's actually ridiculous. i'm him and he's me. ME AND HIM, HIM AND ME (ok i'll stop)

i could relate to lestat a lot too (i'm somewhat of an expert at loneliness/depression/fear of abandonment and self-sabotage, rip i need help 😎).

armand was fascinating (and intimidating) to me just knowing how he's an ancient vampire who can just fuck you up if he wants to.

daniel's sarcastic comments were probably the funniest thing for me lolll and his facial expressions at certain things being told. like he's lowkey done with this gay vampire drama and it cracks me up. i still think about the "are you a schizophrenic, louis? 🤨" line because it's such a valid question lol and i always wonder why characters in shows/movies don't freak out whenever i see that trope of a character seeing a dead person qsdqs i'd be contacting a doctor asap. real talk i usually don't like that trope much (it usually feels like fanservice more than anything and like the writers are too scared to let the dead character go) but with lestat i actually liked it. probably because i knew he was actually alive. but still i'd feel so emotional when his "ghost" would be around because i knew it was louis imagining what would lestat do or say if he was here (or at least that's how i interpreted it). which... that's how you know you miss someone BAD 'cause the last/only time i felt that way about someone....... yeah.......

now, claudia... sigh. i feel bad for saying that but i really had a hard time liking her character. i WANTED to like her. i did at some points (loooved her at the beginning, in s1), and i always understood her motives and why she felt the way she did. at the same time, i'd feel annoyed with the way she'd always interject into louis and lestat's conversations/arguments, trying to sway louis in the direction she wanted whenever lestat was showing kindness or hints of remorse. she was never willing to give lestat a chance no matter what he did or said and it irked me a bit. it bothered me most at the trial actually, because lestat was apologizing to LOUIS, and claudia was in louis's ear telling him "it's too little too late" like girl pleaseee respectfully, the apology isn't for you to accept or reject. let louis make up his own mind.

louis is a grown man and it's his relationship, so i felt like claudia should've stayed out of it (at least in the moment, i don't mind if she expresses her opinion to louis later). i felt bad for louis because he made so many sacrifices for her but she never really seemed to reciprocate much (or maybe armand erased my memory). i hated how she called louis "dead weight" in her journal in 2x01. again i understand why she was angry at him, but after everything he's done for her, and considering the fact he was grieving the "death" of lestat (which was brutal), his lover of 30+ years iirc, and he basically couldn't talk about it with her (or anyone for that matter), it just felt unfair to him.

idk maybe i'm being way too harsh on her character, i know she's a character that the fandom likes, so really i feel like i'm missing something? i want to like her i really do but i don't vibe with her character. maybe i'll like her more after rewatching the show (not that it matters anymore since she's dead 😬 but still). i did feel for her though when louis didn't believe her about armand threatening her 'cause that was such bullshit lol like as if claudia would make that up... anyway i did enjoy her relationship with madeleine, too bad it ended the way it did. felt bad for madeleine but when claudia came back to her i kinda knew that madeleine would get murdered by the coven eventually 😅 i actually had a theory that the coven would use madeleine as one of their human sacrifices for the théâtre to punish claudia for having a "forbidden friend", and i wasn't too far off!

when lestat saved louis from getting the death sentence ... i remember thinking in the moment of the trial "is it armand or lestat doing that?" then when it "showed" it was armand, i accepted that but i was confused since lestat claims to love louis. then when it was revealed that it was LESTAT that saved louis but armand took credit for it all and lestat let him??? DUDE!

like i had the same reaction as present louis 'cause ... DANIEL? YOUR QUESTIONS MAKE TOO MUCH SENSE. lol. speaking of louis and daniel, i absolutely loved the way louis comforted him in 1973 after all the trauma they'd both gone through. louis has this empathetic side to him that shines through at times and i love it (kinda reminds me of will graham)

i absolutely LIVED for louis burning down the théâtre des vampires, it was absolutely badass and deserved. santiago's death made me go "now THAT'S a vampire show!!!". i enjoyed santiago as a villain, very entertaining to watch he was. also i love that those two fans of the théâtre (the guy and girl with the black and white makeup always sitting in the front row) attended EVERY show lol

something that's more of season 1, but, i love lestat's french. if you don't know, i'm french myself, but i watched the show its original language with english subtitles (as i like to do with every game/show/movie). so when lestat spoke french i loved it i mean. lestat's my favorite and i love the actor who plays him so not gonna lie it'd make me fangirl a bit everytime LMAO like ooo he's speaking MY language!!!

(i'm still a teenage girl at heart i guess sometimes lol)

that argument that lestat and louis had in french in season 1 over claudia (when claudia was in louis' coffin writing in her journal) ... will always make me laugh... just the conclusion of lestat going "putain de merde, bonne nuit" and shutting his coffin and then louis saying bonne nuit back XD it just feels so real you know. when you argue with someone but you still love them enough to say the nice little things.

speaking of arguments, i was so surprised at lestat's recollection of things during the trial, and how it differed from louis' retelling of events to daniel. many times i was like "is lestat lying? orrr" 'cause it's wild how different the versions are. particularly that massive fight in season 1 when lestat dropped him from the sky (if anyone who hasn't watched the show is reading this post, they're probably like "wtf" lmao). if lestat was saying the truth about how it went down, then damn, i feel bad for lestat :/ JUSTICE FOR LESTAT (i feel so toxic for saying that lol). like louis was NASTY in that scene, downright cruel. they both love each other so much yet they both hurt each other just as much it seems. i just want them to be happy 🥲 if that's even possible.

oh and TW: suicide for this section because i want to talk about THAT louis scene in 1973. hell that whole fight he had with armand. first of all, i felt so sad for armand that he was being called boring and dull etc. by louis, even though louis had drugs in his system and was clearly having a mental breakdown. if i'd been armand i would've cried on the spot ngl 😭 i'm surprised armand stayed with louis after that, probably to just spite lestat? but then when louis went on the roof to try to kill himself by burning under the sun ... i was sobbing and even just thinking about it now it makes me want to cry, as someone who's considered suicide many times since i'm like 19, it hit close to home. i wouldn't wish that shit on anybody and it hurts so much seeing a character i love go through that even though it's all just fictional. and when armand contacted lestat and lestat was asking louis (through armand) "why are you ill? what's happened to you?" and later "i love you, louis" and he said it so softly like ... DAMN MY FEELINGS.

i ALMOST forgot to talk about lestat and louis' reunion in new orleans in the last episode (bruh how could i). i CRIED. i loved seeing them take accountability for their past mistakes and just seeing how far the both of them have come, seeing them ACTUALLY be vulnerable and talk to each other and both of them listening to each other and be there for each other. it was such a touching scene. and lestat's voice cracking when he asked louis if he hurt himself back in 1973? it wasn't just his voice that cracked in that moment it was also my HEART wtf

and how sweet and heartfelt that hug was. i was kinda glad they didn't kiss/get back together in that moment. it made the moment more meaningful, and i think it's good for them to be on good terms yet still be apart for some time to process things (not forever of course hehe). i'm just glad they're not against each other anymore and that they seemed to have made peace.

of course at the end louis is basically ready to fight any vampire who wants to kill him over the publishing of the book. i'm not too worried. lestat will probably show up to help louis kick their asses or escape (don't spoil me). i do wonder what happened with armand and where he is now!

oh and i gotta say, about the show overall but again mainly season 1, i absolutely LOVE how they portrayed lestat and louis's relationship in general. i'm so glad they seemed like just a "normal" couple and they weren't written as a GAY couple ... idk if that makes sense. they ARE a gay couple but it's not the defining trait of their relationship, it's a part of it of course, but the writers didn't make it all about their sexuality and they didn't make it a stereotype like some shows & movies treat their gay characters/couples, and it was so refreshing. like i'm not even a dude and i felt SEEN. and then i thought to myself "shit, is this how straight people feel when they see a m/f relationship on-screen???" 'cause 99% of the time i feel nothing when watching m/f relationships, but i get really emotionally invested and i feel a connection with m/m and f/f relationships. kinda sucks to realize though 'cause it just reminds me of how little high quality gay content we get in the media but thankfully times are changing. i mean just thinking of how it was like 10 years ago? back then i always had gay ships that never ended up canon lol it was rough. i'm happy i get to have interesting gay ships that ARE canon these days. hope it keeps going that way 🥹 i don't even bother with anything that involves queerbaiting these days, i only go for stuff with CANON gay/lesbian ships & main characters or i'll pass (with some exceptions), i no longer have the patience i had as a teenager, fuck that. it's 2024 we can have more now >:)

well, that went into a tangent. i'll keep it in though 'cause it's a discussion i'd love to have if anyone wants to talk about that further!

one thing i wonder about is what was up with those feral vampires (that's what i call them) early in season 2? claudia ripped the eyes off from one in the forest. these vampires looked ... uh ... i don't even how to describe it lol. but was it because they kept drinking the blood of people traumatized by the war? or was it something else?

anyway. conclusion is i enjoyed the show so so much and i can't wait for season 3!!! i've heard lestat will be in a rock band in season 3 and i'm hyped haha

i probably missed stuff to talk about but the post is already so long. feel free to send me a message/ask if you want my thoughts on certain plot points/characters or just to discuss them! i'd love to :D as long as you're nice ('cause trust me i'm aware of how hypocritical i am by disliking claudia and yet loving louis and lestat's characters dqdsq i'm sorry for that)

now i can freely check out the fandom weee 💃

[mysticpenguincreation]

i can’t, i have to say it.

i’ve always loved pov by ariana.

even before the part 1 was out and i first learned of the mirror scene i couldn’t help myself and i considered reading the book. but i held strong.

then i watched interview with luke and nic where they were given words and they had to say what first comes to mind. it was “carriage”, “mirror”, “eclair”. and they were so confused by “eclair” that it broke my resolve and i read the book, but i digress.

so i read the book and with spoilers and promo i realized that while they are talking ABOUT mirror in the book, there actually WILL be a mirror scene in the show.

and i thought to myself “wow. it would have gone great with pov by ariana”.

hold on, i’m going to go on a rant and unpack a whole can of worms here.

i thought that this song would be a great choice because it is the scene where colin shows pen how beautiful she is, body and mind and soul, how he sees her. and maybe it’s the first time that she truly sees herself through his eyes.

but it’s not only pen. it’s also colin seeing himself from her point of view as well. as an audience, i think we do not appreciate how valid colin’s worries and concerns are. we’ve literally seen and been told for 2-3 seasons that pen loves him. but he does not know that like we do. technically, we saw inside pen’s head and heart probably even more than into colin’s. often these instances where we see pen being in love with him are not the scenes in which he actively participates or he is not even present. so yeah, if we weren’t shown these moments we would have been just as unsure and insecure as he is. it is his pov.

additionally, they are literally in front of a mirror! what is it if not seeing yourself from a different pov?

all this to say, when i saw the list of songs for part 2, it felt like a win because i knew this song would be PERFECT for them. and it totally was.

all this to say, now pov lives rent free in my mind and i can’t get my brain to shut up 🥲

[satansapostle6]

Angel With A Broken Wing | Jonah Simms

And if I may just take your breath away / I don't mind if there's not much to say / Sometimes the silence guides a mind / To move to a place so far away / The goosebumps start to raise / The minute that my left hand meets your waist / And then I watch your face / Put my finger on your tongue 'cause you love to taste, yeah / These hearts adore, everyone the other beats hardest for / Inside this place is warm / Outside it starts to pour

Warnings: Mature language and themes. Sexual content.

Chapter One: How Joan of Arc Felt

“I… don’t like pizza…”

He frowns, feeling dejected. “Oh…”

I sat at a table by myself during my break at work, staring up at my coworker blankly, not exactly sure why my lunch was being intruded on by someone trying to randomly ask me out on a date.

“Oh, well…” he tries to think. “Would you… wanna get… Mexican food…?” he looks at me expectantly, hoping for some kind of approval.

I stare up at him, blinking profusely. He just nods, finally getting the hint.

“Okay, maybe the cuisine isn’t the issue…” he says awkwardly, deciding for some reason to take the seat across from me, hilariously missing the point, “Maybe I should start smaller…”

I just sigh as I finish my food, reaching into my bag next to me for my book, as he just watches.

“So… I don’t think I’ve seen you around, when did you start?”

I don’t look up. “About a month ago.”

This seems to confused him.

“A month ago,” he questions, “What—I don’t remember ever seeing you around…”

I turn the page in my book. “Yeah, I tend to avoid the break room…”

For obvious reasons.

He nods awkwardly. “Right…” he looks up nervously, “Sorry, what’s your name?”

I stare at him in disbelief. “Sophie.”

For some reason, this is phenomenal.

“Sophie! Right! Lovely name,” he compliments me.

The level of intimacy there was to his eye contact was enough to make my fear of commitment kick in.

“I’m Jonah…”

I look up at him, forcing a smile as I try to get him to get the point. “Okay…!”

He just nods, glancing down at the table. “Right… Not much of a talker, are you?”

I give him another forced smile, trying to reiterate my point. I look back down at my book, trying to enjoy the rest of my break as I listen to music.

“So… Whatcha reading?” he chuckles, desperate to come off as friendly.

“Bukowski.”

“Oh… Wow. Edgy,” he chuckles nervously, only to be met with silence.

I continue ignoring him.

“What book is it?” Jonah asks me.

I drawl, sounding bored, “Love Is a Dog From Hell.”

“Wow… That’s a great one. I mean— From what I’ve heard. I haven’t… actually read it… I heard it’s wrought with hall that Bukowski raw grittiness, you know?”

I was polite enough not to audibly sigh.

“So, uh… what are you listening to? Anything good?”

“Are you saying I’d be listening to something bad?”

He’s flabbergasted. “What?! No… I just… Uh, what are you listening to?”

“My favorite band.”

“What’s, uh… your favorite band?”

“Devil’s Witches,” I told him.

“Ooh. Sounds… really cool, what genre are they?”

I sigh. “A mix of doom metal and acid rock.”

“Really?” he asks, interested. “What are, uh… What are their songs about?”

“Sex, witchcraft, and the Vietnam War.”

He looks stunned by the variety. “Sex, witchcraft, and the… Vietnam War, huh?”

He thinks for a moment.

“Is that… interesting for you?”

I look up at him, trying not to glare.

“I-No, no,” he says, quickly realizing his mistake, “Not because you’re Vietnamese—”

I raise an eyebrow.

“I mean—Uh, I’m not… assuming that you’re Vietnamese,” he said, looking at me a bit too hard. “Are you… Viet—You know what? It’s none of my business,” he smiles.

I just nod, fake-smiling as I look back down at my book.

“You’re… not the social type, are you?” he surmised.

I decided to at least validate that with a response. “Nope.”

Jonah leans forward, curious about something. “Hey, what’s your Myers-Briggs type?”

I felt like I was talking to a child. I sigh, putting down my book and taking out my earbuds. It was clear to me I wasn’t going to get any peace and quiet any time soon, so I decided to bite.

“Why don’t you guess?”

He looks shocked, as if he wasn’t actually expecting me to participate in the conversation.

“I-Uh… I don’t know, I wanna say…”

I raise an eyebrow, which quickly throws him off. It was pathetic, but also the tiniest bit attractive, in a weird, roundabout way.

“I don’t know, you’re stoic, and direct…” he thinks to himself, definitely overthinking, “I don’t know… maybe ISTJ?”

I shake my head. “Nope.”

Jonah accepts this with a nod. “Uh… INTP, then?”

“Mm-mm,” I shake my head.

“Hmm, okay, let’s see… ENTJ?” he guesses.

“Nope.”

“Uh… ISTP?” he offers.

“Wrong.”

Jonah looks stumped. “What about… INTJ?”

I smile. “Finally.”

He chuckles, seeming fairly pleased with himself. “Wow. Really? I guess that makes sense,” he remarks.

“How so?” I ask him.

He seems surprised by the question. “I… I don’t know. You seem calculated, and intelligent…”

I keep up with the Aubrey Plaza stare, unimpressed. He keeps going.

“Perceptive…”

He looks at me inquisitively, trying to figure me out like a puzzle. “So, what’s your enneagram type?” He can’t wait to share. “I’m a 7. 7w8.”

I just sigh. “I’ll save you some time… INTJ, 8w9, 853, RCOEI, VLFE, choleric-melancholic, sp/sx.”

He stares at me in complete disbelief, in awe of my tangent.

“Wow. You’re, like, really into typology. You know, I’m actually super into it myself…. ENFJ. 729. SCOAI, LFEV, sanguine-phlegmatic, sx/so…” he grins. “Looks like we have some huge differences, and some huge similarities…”

I’m not quite sure how, but he somehow made discussing typology uncomfortable.

“Wait, hold on,” he said, seeming genuinely troubled, “Can I… ask you, about some of your types, because they seem kind of contradictory…”

I frown. “How is my personality contradictory?”

He quickly tries to reassure me. “No, no, that’s… I just mean, I’ve never heard of an INTJ being an 8… Or a VLFE, or choleric…”

I raise an eyebrow. “So… How often, exactly, do you discuss typology with people in real life? And how many of those people, would you say, have actually been INTJ’s? And if they were, how many of them have been different types? And also, it’s just not that big of a deal?”

Jonah grimaces awkwardly. “Okay, I see your point…”

He tries to think. “Uh… What would be a better, less controversial topic to discuss… Politics? Religion? Abortion guns?”

I scoff with laughter. He smiles, seeming glad to have at least partially won me over.

“And what exactly is an ‘abortion gun’?”

He just shrugs charismatically. “I don’t know, I’m not a doctor.”

We both chuckle, a momentary silence between the two of us.

“Well, you’re in luck. I’m not really religious.”

“Yeah, me neither,” Jonah agrees, “I do kinda understand the appeal of spirituality, though.”

I nod. “Yeah… I guess if I had to choose, I’d be partial to Satanism,” I shrug.

“Ha,” Jonah laughs immediately, grin slowly fading as he observes the lack of humor in my tone. “Wait… You’re not… serious, are you, like, that was just a joke?”

“Why would it be a joke?”

Maybe I was being too hard on the guy; I don’t know. Maybe he was being perfectly nice, and I was being standoffish and unpleasant, but something about being receptive of this interaction just didn’t sit right with me. Jonah was fairly pretentious; he was kind of entitled, and a bit of a nuisance, and I felt like I had to at least try to point that out to him, or else I was just being a doormat and letting this Berkeley Ken doll walk all over me. I don’t know; maybe I should’ve been nicer to him, but part of me wanted to test him in every way I could, to make sure he truly deserved my kindness first before I offered it to him.

Jonah scoffs, “I don’t know… You just… seem very intelligent… I mean, it makes sense, with the tattoos, and stuff, but…”

I raise an eyebrow.

“Uh—I mean… You don’t seem like you’d worship the devil…”

I raise an eyebrow. “Do you know what Satanism is?”

Jonah scoffed dismissively for someone who started this conversation. “Well, not really…”

Of course. Guys like him, tip-of-the-iceberg liberals, love to preach inclusivity and diversity and acceptance, until it comes to Satanism, or Luciferianism, or the existing practice of witchcraft.

“Most Satanists are LaVeyan Satanists. LaVeyan Satanists are atheists. They don’t believe in any god, or beings.”

He gives me a funny look.

“But… They still believe in… the idea of Satan? What is the idea of Satan, I mean, other than sin, and evil…”

I stare at him, not really wanting to have this conversation. “Satanists believe in free will, and logic…”

“How does… the devil… represent free will?”

“How does he… not?” I question.

“But, God represents love and faith… The devil represents evil, and sin.”

I frown. “I thought you said you weren’t religious.”

“Oh, well, I’m not, but…” he sighs. “I don’t know, I just can’t justify following a religion that promotes evil, and sin…”

“Really, dude?”

He seems surprised. “What? I just…”

I laugh, seeing the irony of his ‘woke’ persona.

“You just what? Think one religion is better than another? Even if you don’t know anything about it?” I smile, loving this.

Jonah comes unraveled. “Uh…”

“Would you have said that if I were Buddhist? Or Muslim?”

“Uh, well, that’s… different…”

I laugh at him still. “Can you even tell me, say, the commandments of Satanism?”

He thought for a moment. “Well, no…”

I cross my arms expectantly.

“Okay. That was unfair,” he admits.

“Yeah?”

He stares at the table for a moment, thinking.

“Hey… Would you mind telling me about it… maybe? I’m kinda curious now,” he offers.

I consider it for a moment. “About what, exactly?”

“Well, I don’t know… I just always thought the devil was evil,” he explains.

“Well… some might argue that God is evil,” I shrug.

“But…” he pauses, “How is God evil?”

“Uh… genocide? Like, all of them? From the beginning of time?” I reason.

Jonah stares off into space. “Right…”

I sigh. “Look… Say what you want about Satanism, but it was technically created to undo all the religious trauma other religions created. I mean, it’s probably the only religion that includes not making unwanted sexual advances, or asking someone who’s bothering you to stop before ‘destroying them’, which is probably the best thing I’ve ever heard.”

He looks at me uncomfortably. “But… that sounds kind of excessive,” he notes.

“Have you heard Exodus 21?”

He shakes his head “No, I don’t think I’m familiar…”

“So, Exodus 21 states that if a man strikes his servant with a rod, he shall be punished. But if that slave lives on for ‘one or two days’, the man will not be punished because, and I quote, ‘the slave is his money’. Does that not sound excessive to you?”

He chuckles nervously, “Wha—No! That’s not… Okay, yeah… Fair point. I guess I didn’t realize I had a bit of a bias. Wow. You’re right…”

I just nod, before going back to my reading. He looks at me with disdain.

“Hey, you know… You could be nicer to people, you know?” he scoffs.

I look up at him in disbelief. “I’m sorry?”

He looks at me angrily. “What, I’m trying to have a conversation with you, and—”

“Yeah. You’re trying to have a conversation with me. On my break. While I clearly wanted to be alone,” I argue.

“I—Well, you were pretty rude to me—”

I laugh bitterly, “Because you sat down in front of me, without asking, asked me on a date, then started asking me a bunch of personal questions, and then judged me, all in a weird attempt to flirt with me.”

He seems genuinely shocked. “Oh. Well—”

“No, now it’s my turn to talk, pretty boy. You came over to talk to me, knowing I wanted to be alone, just to try and convince me to like you. Well, guess what, dude?” I groaned. “You’re not better than me just because you smile more. You’re not Mr. fucking Rogers just because you started this conversation. You’re being rude, and annoying, and just weird!” I cried.

Jonah just sits there, stunned. “Wow. I… Wow.”

He looks at me apologetically, trying to apologize.

“I’m sorry, God, I never thought of it that way… I’m sorry, Sophie, I didn’t mean to bother you,” he breathes.

I just sigh. “It’s fine, Jonah, I don’t care…”

For some reason, I just couldn’t make my mind up about this guy. Was he sweet, and confused, or was he just an asshole in sheep’s clothing? We both sat in awkward silence, just as Garrett rolled into the break room. Garrett looks up at me as he stops at the vending machine, seeming to pick up on the odd moment transpiring between me and Jonah.

“Sophie…!”

I nod. “Hey.”

“Want something from the vending machine?” he asked politely.

I look over at him, grinning. “Yeah, sure… While you’re down there.”

Garrett smirks, grabbing me my usual bag of chips from the vending machine. Jonah looks automatically offended, speaking up on Garrett’s behalf.

“Hey, that’s messed up! You can’t—”

Jonah watches, mouth agape, as Garrett hands me my chips, not realizing he was in on this the entire time.

“Oh. You guys…”

I nod. “Yeah.”

Garrett chimes in, a frown on his face. “We’re friends. We do this every time, man.”

Jonah just nods. “Oh…”

I stare at him, opening my chips as Garrett moves over to another table in the break room.

*****

Later that same day, I stop outside Cloud 9 after I clock out, lighting up a cigarette as I see someone approaching me.

“Hey…”

I look over to see Jonah standing there, hands in his pockets in a rather uncomfortable position.

“Hey,” I respond, not necessarily enthusiastic.

“So…” he begins, “We got off on the wrong foot, didn’t we?”

I nod as I look down at the ground. “Yup…”

He lets out an uncomfortable sound, reminded of the horrible start we’d gotten off to earlier in the day.

“So… Agh,” Jonah groans, “Hey, I’m really sorry about that, uh, all of it, I didn’t mean to…”

I just sigh, not knowing what to say, “Look, Jonah… I really don’t care. Okay? Everyone has off days, everyone gets awkward. I get it. You don’t have to explain yourself. Okay? We’re good, starting now.”

Jonah just looks at me, completely stunned. “I-Wow. Uh, thank you,” he says, looking relieved.

I just nod quietly as I enjoy my cigarette. He then chuckles shyly as he looks me up and down, back in douche-mode, evidently. I try my best to ignore his outright male sluttiness.

“So… Uh, you’re a Bukowski fan?”

I nod. “Mhm.”

“What other authors are you into?” he asks me. “I’m curious…”

“I… Like Poe, Oscar Wilde, Dostoevsky, Kafka…”

He nods, impressed. “Wow. I, uh… expected Poe, given your whole… look,” he says with an odd grin.

I just nod, looking down at my tattoos. “Right.”

“Didn’t expect Kafka, though. Or Dostoevsky. Your taste is very… bespoke.”

“Sure,” I offer, somewhat annoyed by the word.

“So, you… Seem like the wild type,” he flirts, watching me stomp out my cig as I just raise an eyebrow.

“What?” I question.

Jonah grins. “You know… I’m sure you like to live on the wild side. Get into all sorts of trouble…”

I almost vomited on the spot. He suddenly clears his throat, just now realizing he should be embarrassed. But before he can embarrass himself any further, I hear my name.

“Soph!”

Jonah and I both look. Jonah watches as I run to hug my daughter, currently being dropped off by her father.

“Hi, baby!” I smile as Jonah watches.

I can tell that he’s shocked as I greet my five year-old daughter, Gigi, looking up at Ryan, her father.

“Thank you,” I tell him.

He just nods. “I’ll pick her up from school tomorrow.”

I watch as he heads back to his car, leaving.

“Ready to go?” I ask her.

Gigi nods excitedly as I take her hand and lead her to my car, away from a rather guilty and embarrassed Jonah.

-

Chapter Two

[nerdzzone]

Worlds Apart

Chapter Three

Summary: Single mom, Bridget Clark, thought that she was fine by herself. Moving her son to a new town and out of the hustle and bustle of Boston, she thought that life would be quieter and simpler, but a chance encounter with a certain Hollywood actor only a week after their big move had her questioning everything. Bridget was faced with the ultimate decision of head vs heart, but would letting her guard down prove to be worth the risk?

Series Masterlist

-----

To say that Bridget was nervous would be an understatement.

She knew that there was really no need to be - she’d already been in Chris’ company several times and they’d spent almost the entire day together on Saturday as he helped her paint her house - but there was something different about the fact that he was taking her on an official date. Even though he’d done nothing to encourage any stress, she felt like there was more pressure on the evening ahead of her than any other time they’d spent together. She was amazed that he’d even wanted to take her out and she knew that she wouldn’t be getting another invitation any time soon if she blew it.

She was trying not to worry too much as she’d clearly already made a decent enough impression to have him willing to go out with her in the first place, but it lingered in her mind just how different their lives were. “I think you’re pretty great” had been his response when she’d called herself boring, but while she had been half-joking, it was a valid concern. He was a movie star. His life was - at least some of the time - filled with the glamour of Hollywood, parties with some of the most famous people on the planet, and attending events that she had only ever watched on television from the comfort of her couch. Whereas she spent most of her time surrounded by books, trying to coax children into discovering the joy of reading or hanging out with her four year old. She was content with her life, but it was wildly different to his and she was skeptical that once he realized just how ordinary she was that he would still disagree with her use of the word ‘boring’.

Looking at her reflection in the mirror of the staff room bathroom at the library didn’t give her any extra confidence. Considering she was meeting him straight after she was done at work, she hadn’t had time to change. She’d planned her outfit for the day with the knowledge that she would be seeing him after, but she had to keep it practical for the library too and as she looked herself over she wondered if she’d made the wrong choice. She looked nice enough in the black turtleneck sweater and black jeans that she’d picked out and paired with her long black coat so she would be warm enough if they happened to be walking any distance, but the simplicity only added to her fear of being unremarkable.

However, she didn’t have time to go home and change so she knew there was nothing to be done about it and while she wanted to make a good impression and show the best of herself to Chris, she wasn’t really willing to put on much of an act to entice him. If the mundanity of her life wasn’t something he could accept then she figured it was better to know that sooner rather than later.

Pulling her out of her thoughts, her phone vibrated on the counter next to the sink as a message from Chris popped up on the screen.

Hey, I’m outside!

It sent a flicker of nervous excitement down her spine and after giving her hair one last tousle to make sure it looked okay, she hurried out to meet him and found him leaning against one of the pillars outside the main door. It was amazing how well he really could blend in and go unnoticed as people wandered by him without batting an eye - especially when he caught her attention so quickly. Of course, she had been looking for him, but he looked so handsome that she was surprised that anyone could pass by without being distracted by him.

“Hi,” he greeted her as he noticed her approaching him. “Wow, you look great.”

“I was just thinking the same thing about you,” she informed him, matching the smile on his face. “But I hope we’re not going anywhere too fancy, my work clothes might not be up to five star standard.”

“Wow, five star on the first date?” Chris raised an eyebrow as his smile shifted into a smirk. “You have high expectations.”

“I really don’t,” she assured him. “I’m not really ever a five star kinda girl. I prefer to stick to the cheap stuff so I don’t get a taste for finer things than I can afford.”

Her words were said with an air of jest and Chris chuckled as he shrugged his shoulders.

“The finer things usually aren’t worth the price,” he admitted. “But how about we go for something in the middle? Is Italian okay?”

“Yeah, Italian sounds great.”

“Perfect,” Chris nodded before leading her down the path towards the main road. “I know a place nearby. The food is great and I trust them to be discreet.”

“Oh, you trust them? Is this where you take all your other dates too?”

“There you go again, making your assumptions.” Chris playfully rolled his eyes and Bridget bit back a grin as he sarcastically replied, “Yeah, I’m there every month for a new first date.”

“I knew it,” Bridget let out a dramatic sigh. “At least you must know what to order by now, I guess.”

“I can recommend a few things,” he chuckled with a nod. “But pretty much everything they have is a safe bet.”

Trusting his judgement, Bridget felt another flush of excitement - this time from the thought of getting to know her new town. Spending time with Chris was obviously the best part of the evening, but after living there for almost two months, she was happy to finally be finding some nice local places to enjoy. She’d had several recommendations from her co-workers, but she’d been so busy settling into her new house and her new job that socialising had taken a bit of a back seat. So, as Chris held open the door to the busy restaurant and she was hit by the mouthwatering smell of unmistakably Italian food, she felt a renewed sense of gratitude that he’d suggested their date.

As promised, the staff were happy to be discreet and quickly led them to a table towards the back of the room - away from most of the prying eyes of the seating area and anyone waiting to be seated - and after a quick browse of the menu Chris ordered them each a glass of wine and a serving of his favourite pasta dish. They made small talk as they waited with Chris asking about how her work day had been, but once their drinks arrived they moved onto more personal things.

“This is my Ma’s favourite wine,” he informed her when she complimented his choice. “I usually order it whenever I see it on a menu.”

“She has good taste,” Bridget commended. “I normally lean towards white wine over red, but this one’s really nice!”

“She does have good taste, she’s a wise woman.”

The affection in Chris’ voice rang out clearly and his obvious love for her tugged on Bridget’s heart.

“You seem really close to your family,” she observed as she sipped her wine. “At least, with your sister and your mom.”

“I am,” Chris nodded, even though the smile that slid onto his face would have been answer enough. “We’re all very close. Carly’s my older sister, but I have a younger one too and a younger brother. We all try to get together as often as we can.”

There was a pang of jealousy in her stomach, but Bridget forced it down as she matched his smile.

“That’s really nice. What about your dad?”

“We’re close too, but my parents are divorced and I don’t see him quite as often as I see my Ma,” he admitted. “But what about you? Are you close with your family?”

“Not really,” Bridget shrugged, hesitating slightly as she knew a more accurate answer would have been ‘no, not at all’. “My dad’s a surgeon, my mom’s a lawyer, and I was an accident. They really didn’t have much time for me with their busy careers.”

She kept her tone nonchalant despite the heaviness to what she was saying. It was something she’d accepted long ago and while the distance between her and her parents still stung, it wasn’t something she was eager to dive into on the first date.

“That’s rough,” Chris frowned. “Any siblings?”

“Yeah, one brother,” she informed him. “But he’s thirteen years older than me which is probably another reason why my parents struggled with me. They’d already done the whole kid thing by the time I arrived.”

“That seems a little unfair to you…”

“I always thought so,” Bridget agreed with a sad smile. “But Gavin - my brother - always tried to be supportive so we kept in touch and we’ve been trying to get closer over the last few years. And my best friend Molly is like a sister to me. We’ve known each other since we were ten so her and her husband are like family now.”

“Sometimes the family that you make yourself is just as good as the one you’re born with,” Chris mused wisely. “Some of my best friends I’ve known since I was a kid too and they’re just as much like family as my real brothers and sisters.”

“That’s really sweet, I think those relationships can be just as important as family,” Bridget nodded. “It’s good to have people who choose to stick around because they really love you and not just because they’re family.”

Having just discussed how Chris was close to his family, she knew he could easily argue that not all families only stick together out of some sense of obligation, but she resisted the urge to blurt out a quick clarification and was relieved when he voiced his agreement.

“Absolutely,” he insisted as a soft smirk slipped onto his face. “And they can help in ways your family might not want to, my lifelong friends are the best at keeping me humble. They’re always quick to crack jokes or remind me about some of my more embarrassing moments if my ego starts getting too big.”

“Wow,” Bridget smiled. “That must be a full time job for them.”

Chris chuckled and shook his head at her teasing dig.

“Nah, it’s more of a hobby,” he insisted. “They get too much joy out of it for it to be considered work.”

“That’s a fair point,” Bridget giggled. “But it’s good that you have people like that, we all need people who just see through everything else and know us for who we really are.”

“Oh, for sure, and I give as much as I get so it all works out,” Chris agreed before shifting the conversation back to her. “So, does Molly live nearby?”

Bridget couldn’t hold back the grin that slid onto her face at the opportunity to talk about her friend and eagerly explained that Molly did live fairly close as she lived in the downtown area of Boston, but that she was hoping to convince her to embrace the small town life as well. Their food arrived and briefly interrupted the conversation, but after thanking the waiter and taking a moment to taste the food - and compliment Chris for the amazing recommendation - Bridget circled back to what she was saying by adding that she was hopeful that her friend would be more willing to leave the big city life behind when she was ready to have kids.

“Is that why you wanted to get out of the city?” Chris asked. “Because of Landon?”

“That was the biggest reason,” Bridget nodded. “Part of it was selfish - because I was just tired of all the noise and chaos - but it does give him so much more freedom. I love that we have a backyard and there’s so many outdoor places we can explore.”

“There’s a lot of great places to hike around here, I can show you a few of them sometime if you’d like,” Chris offered, earning an enthusiastic nod from Bridget. “But what about Landon? Does he like it here so far?”

“I think so,” Bridget smiled. “I don’t think he’s noticed a huge change, but he seems pretty happy here.”

“That’s great, he seems like a really good kid.”

“He is,” Bridget agreed, her pride shining through in her voice as she was unable to resist gushing about the child she’d been missing all week. “We got really lucky with him. He’s just so much fun and I genuinely love spending time with him. He can be a little wild - he’s definitely a super high energy kid - but he’s smart and funny and always super enthusiastic about whatever activity he’s doing.”

“Sounds like Little League will be perfect for him then,” Chris chuckled. “Has he started yet?”

“No, it starts next week, but he’s so excited. He set up bases in our backyard and was practicing running around them. He’s actually pretty fast so as long as he can actually hit the ball, I think he might be pretty good at it.”

“Hitting the ball is the hardest part,” Chris nodded before admitting, “It was my downfall when it came to baseball.”

“It is a pretty key element,” Bridget giggled before confessing, “Sports are definitely not a natural talent for me though, so any skill that Landon has will have to be credited to his dad.” 

“It’s not something that everyone is cut out for,” Chris shrugged. “I think I tried most of them when I was younger, but nothing really stuck. As far as hobbies go, I was always way more into the acting and musical theatre side of things - just to give you a clear idea of how cool I was.”

His words were said with a self-deprecating chuckle, but Bridget leapt to his defense.

“Hey, you’re talking to someone who spent at least seventy-five percent of her teenage years reading in a library,” she reminded him. “Musical theatre is my kind of cool.”

“Not many people agree,” Chris smiled. “So I appreciate that.”

“Well, I bet people think it’s cool now that you’re such a big star,” Bridget teased. “Did you always know you wanted to be an actor?”

Chris happily launched into an explanation of how his career came to be and the passion in his voice had Bridget feeling relieved. It was a question that she was sure he’d answered a million times in various interviews over the years so while it was something that she would rather hear from him than read on the internet, she expected it to be a topic that he was tired of discussing. However, the enthusiasm he spoke with pushed any doubts out of her mind as she was engrossed in his answer and she couldn’t help but feel a flicker of pride at the success he’d found after getting started by simply working hard and chasing after his dream.

For the rest of their meal, the conversation flowed just as well as it had at the start. Bridget was surprised by how easy Chris was to talk to, especially considering she usually thought of herself as awkward and overly self-aware around people she didn’t know. But with Chris, it was like she’d known him for far longer than the couple of months that she had through their brief encounters. He put her at ease and charmed her with his humour and beautiful smile and made her reluctant for things to come to an end as they finished their main course. That was why she had another suggestion when Chris asked if she would be interested in splitting a dessert.

“There’s an ice cream place just around the corner that I’ve been wanting to try,” Bridget admitted. “But I know it’s still kinda cold so feel free to tell me that it’s a dumb idea…”

“I don’t think ice cream is ever a dumb idea,” Chris insisted. “Especially when I know the place you’re talking about and know how good their ice cream is.”

“Really?” Bridget eyed him suspiciously, feeling like a child as she didn’t want to get her hopes up too high. “Even though it’s like forty degrees outside?”

“Trust me, that ice cream is worth the risk of frostbite.”

The sincerity in his voice had a laugh slipping from Bridget’s lips as he flagged down the waiter to get their bill. They bickered briefly over who was going to pay, but even though she was more than happy to pay her share, Bridget quickly relented knowing that there wasn’t much chance that Chris was going to let her contribute. She settled for simply thanking him profusely and insisted that dessert was on her to which Chris reluctantly agreed as he followed her out of the restaurant.

The ice cream parlour really was just around the corner and only took them a few short minutes to walk to. If the surprisingly large number of customers inside was anything to go by then Chris was right about it being worth the risk of frostbite because it seemed half the town had the same idea that they’d had. Despite Chris’ general level of comfort in his hometown, Bridget could see the increase in tension as he pulled the collar of his coat up a little higher and seemed more aware of his surroundings than he’d been throughout the earlier part of their evening so - considering it was such a clear and calm evening - she suggested they take their dessert to go and enjoy the beginnings of spring.

“I still can’t get over how many stars there are out here,” she mused as they strolled down the sidewalk. “I mean, there’s probably as many stars in the city but there’s always too many lights to see them. I never noticed what we were missing until we moved here.”

“It is pretty spectacular,” Chris agreed as he licked a drip off the side of his cone. “I get lost looking up at it all sometimes. It’s pretty humbling to know we’re so small in such a vast universe.”

“It’s terrifying,” Bridget corrected, earning a chuckle from Chris.

“Not a fan of space?”

“Not really,” she wrinkled her nose. “It kinda freaks me out, if I’m being honest. I’m very happy staying safely down here on Earth and doing all my space adventuring through books.”

“It can be a little overwhelming to think about everything that might be out there,” Chris admitted. “But I’d love to go if I ever got the chance. I’m kind of a huge space nerd so it’s like the ultimate dream.”

“Well, you’re braver than I am,” Bridget conceded. “But if you ever do get the chance and you’re allowed to bring a partner then I’m sure Landon would be more than happy to keep you company.”

“Yeah? Is he into space?”

“Recently, he is, yeah,” Bridget nodded. “We watched Toy Story for the first time a few weeks ago and he fell in love with Buzz Lightyear so we spent almost all our free time that week learning about astronauts.”

“That’s really cool!” For a moment, Bridget thought his words were sarcastic, but when she glanced over at him she could see the intrigue sparkling in his eyes. “I remember how amazed I was when I first learned about all the other planets and everything that might be out there, it must be great to get to watch your own kid go through those mind blowing moments.”

There was an awe in his voice, mixed with a hint of longing that tugged at Bridget’s heart. Introducing Landon to all the fascinating things in the world was one of the joys of parenting, but it wasn’t the kind of thing that she would have expected a bachelor like Chris to be so interested in. It was such a simple observation, but it just solidified Bridget’s belief that there was more to the man beside her than being the Hollywood hotshot that she’d assumed he’d be before she got to know him.

“It really is, it can be pretty magical,” Bridget agreed. “But my knowledge is limited, I think he was a little disappointed. If you wanna come over some time and share in his space excitement then please, feel free.”

Chris seemed a little surprised by her offer and she realized that they hadn’t had any kind of conversation about how Landon would come into the mix if they were to continue seeing each other. She felt her cheeks grow hot as she worried she’d overstepped, but Chris jumped in before she could backtrack.

“I’d really like that,” he informed her, flashing her a smile that he quickly hid behind what was left of his ice cream. “Has he ever been to the planetarium? I haven’t been in years, but it’s a really interesting place.”

“He hasn’t been, but I bet he’d love it. We should go sometime.”

“That would be really fun.”

He sounded so genuine that Bridget couldn’t hold back the grin that slid onto her face as her heart fluttered in her chest. It was such a relief to her that the idea of doing things with Landon wasn’t something that pushed Chris away. Even though it wasn’t something she was eager to admit, their date that night was her first foray into dating since Landon was born and she’d often worried through the years that he would be a hurdle not many men would be willing to overcome. She’d been clear when he asked her out that Landon would always be a priority to her, but hearing that Chris was eager to make a connection with him as well did a lot to ease her anxiety.

They walked in silence for a couple of blocks as they enjoyed the quiet and the last of their dessert, but as they finished and threw their napkins in the closest garbage can, a shiver ran through Bridget’s body that she knew hadn’t escaped Chris’ notice. She’d tried to hide it - not wanting the cold to prematurely wind up their evening together - but she was pleasantly surprised when Chris held out his arm for her to hold and pulled her close against his side when she accepted the offer. She could feel the warmth radiating off of his body as their close proximity suddenly had a whiff of his lingering cologne surrounding her. She was so distracted by his intoxicating scent and the feel of the hard muscles under the sleeve of his jacket that she didn’t realized he’d asked her a question until she caught the questioning look he was giving her.

“Sorry, what?”

She cringed as the question fell from her lips, but she suddenly found it hard to think clearly.

“I asked where you parked,” Chris informed her, his amusement dancing in the smile on his face. “Is your car nearby?”

Bridget took a moment to take in their surroundings and puzzle out what block they were on before she came to a disappointing revelation.

“It’s pretty close,” she admitted. “Just across the street.”

She pointed in the direction they were already walking to the parking lot near the library. Chris nodded and continued to lead them down the sidewalk, but after another moment of silence, he spoke again. However, this time the nervous edge to his voice had Bridget feeling unsettled.

“So, there’s something I should tell you,” he admitted. “Something I probably should have mentioned before we went out tonight.”

“Hmm,” Bridget mused as she flashed him an anxious smile. “Well, that’s never good…”

“It’s probably not as ominous as I made it sound,” he admitted as they crossed the road and entered the parking lot. “But I have to go away for a while, I probably won’t be around much at all for the next couple months.”

She felt the knot forming in her stomach tighten as a wave of disappointment washed over her. He sounded genuine, but she couldn’t help but wonder if he hadn’t enjoyed their evening as much as she had and was looking for a convenient way to get out of seeing her again any time soon.

“Where are you going?” She asked, hoping to sound unaffected by his admission before diving into her usual defense mechanism of cracking a joke as she added, “Are you sneaking off to see your secret family?”

Her question had Chris’ shoulders shaking as he chuckled and shook his head.

“I can be pretty discreet when I need to be, but I’m not sure that I could hide a secret wife and kids,” he pointed out before giving her the real explanation. “I have to go to L.A. for the premiere of the new Captain America movie and after that we’re headed off on the international press tour. I should have told you sooner, but I lost track of how close it was and I was just really excited that you agreed to go out with me.”

There was a sheepishness to his confession that had Bridget relaxing slightly despite the fact that his news was still disheartening even if his reasoning was understandable. It was bad timing considering they barely even had a solid friendship established before he had to disappear, but the fact that he seemed as displeased about it as she was did at least give her some hope. She took a moment to take in his explanation until they made it to her car and she leaned back against the hood as she nodded her head.

“That’s okay,” she assured him. “I have to admit that I’ll miss you since I’ve gotten kinda used to running into you around town, but we’re supposed to be taking things slow anyway, right?”

Of course, she hadn’t meant one date every two months when she’d requested that they ease into things, but a little bit of distance certainly wouldn’t hurt their attempts to pace themselves. As long as they could stay in touch, it could provide a good way for them to get to know each other in other ways before they got too romantic. However, the way Chris leaned in and rested his hand on the hood of her car by her hip as he left only a few inches of space between their bodies had her suddenly wondering why she’d ever decided they shouldn’t just fall into bed together.

“I’ve been wondering about that,” he admitted, his voice suddenly low and huskier than it had been moments before. “How slow is ‘slow’ exactly? Am I allowed to kiss you?”

Bridget felt her breath catch in her chest as the question had her tracing her tongue along her lips until she managed to gather herself enough to nod her head.

“I think that would count as slow,” she decided, glancing up at him from under her long eyelashes. “Especially since you’re going away for months, one kiss before that seems pretty reasonable to me.”

“I thought so,” Chris smirked, lifting a hand to cup her chin and tilt it up towards him. “But I thought it was polite to check first.”

Before Bridget could get another word out, he closed the space between them to press his lips against hers. Immediately, she melted against him as her eyes fluttered shut and she tried to relax enough to let herself do what came naturally. It had been an embarrassingly long time since she’d been kissed at all and she doubted if she’d ever been kissed with as much carefully measured skill as Chris was currently using, but she knew that overthinking it wouldn’t help. Luckily, thinking at all was not an easy task as the way Chris’ lips moved against hers had her in a daze. Her hands gripped at his shirt like she was scared he was going to disappear and when he finally pulled away she felt herself chasing his lips for a brief moment until she regained a little bit of sense.

Letting out a quiet hum, she slowly opened her eyes to meet his as he rested his forehead against hers.

“That was…nice.”

It was a weak way to describe the moment they’d just shared, but his lips had left her too stunned to think of any more descriptive words and he chuckled at her obviously distracted state.

“It was nice,” he agreed. “Hopefully it’ll be enough to keep me on your mind while I’m away.”

“I think it’ll do the trick,” Bridget nodded as a soft smile slid onto her face. “But will I be able to reach you at all while you’re gone?”

“Yeah, definitely. I’ll have my phone with me even when we go to other countries.” However, his eager assurance was followed by a grimace as he took a step back, reluctantly moving his body away from hers. “But I’ll be honest, I might not be great at answering. The press days are long and pretty exhausting so with the time difference getting in the way too, it can be difficult.”

Reading between the lines of his answer, Bridget felt her heart sink.

“It’s okay if you don’t want me to bug you,” she assured him, hoping he couldn’t hear the disappointment in her voice. “I know you’ll be working, I don’t want to distract you.”

“What? No, that’s not what I meant,” he quickly insisted, the shock in his voice easing her concern. “I’d love the distraction, just wanted to warn you so you don’t think I’m being a dick if I don’t answer as fast as I should.”

He flashed her a smirk that had all the doubts sliding from her mind as a smile of her own slid onto her face.

“Okay, well, I promise not to hold it against you if you ignore me because you’re too busy being adored by your millions of fans.” Her tone was teasing and earned an eye roll from Chris before she asked, “When do you leave?”

“Friday.”

The word fell from his lips as a sigh and Bridget realized that they wouldn’t be seeing each other again before he left. There was another wave of disappointment, but she tried to look on the bright side.

“Well, I’m glad we got to do this before you leave.”

“Me too,” Chris smiled. “I had a really great time tonight.”

Bridget agreed as she pulled her car keys out of her purse and after another quick hug and a kiss on her cheek, she found herself climbing into her car feeling a little bittersweet.

The date had gone well - better than Bridget had even let herself expect it would - but the knowledge that she wouldn’t be seeing him for at least the next couple of months was a stark reminder of why she needed not to get ahead of herself. It was easy to get swept up in anyone at the start when everything is new and exciting, things are carefree and no one’s baggage has started to interfere. Dating someone as charismatic and attractive as Chris, it was even easier to let her heart run away before her head could catch up and while Bridget would admit that she had begun to let herself wonder what the future might look like if they kept seeing each other, his time away might provide the perfect opportunity for her to make sure she’s keeping a level head.

After their date, she knew he was something she wanted to pursue, but she knew she needed to take some time to think about what that might look like and if it was realistically something that could work. That is, if Chris was even still interested after he spent the next few months touring around the world with all his Hollywood pals with no time to think about her.

But Bridget tried to push all the negative thoughts from her mind and as she drove out of the parking lot - waving to Chris in her rearview mirror - she let her mind linger on the way the heat had pooled in her stomach as he kissed her and her heart fluttered every time he laughed. He made her feel giddy and giggly in a way that she hadn’t in a very long time and she had a feeling that spending more time with him could lead to something that was worth a little risk.

[youabsolutewalnut]

I just want to quickly gush about Annabeth Chase and representation because, like a lot of kids at the time, she was my idol.

My brother had the little art cards from the ultimate guide, so this is how I imagined Annabeth when I first read the books back in 2009. And wow! I was a girl, I had light hair, I had grey-blue eyes! Not a perfect match, but it was practically me! She's cool and confident, wicked smart, and could do it all with ADHD? I didn't have as good of a handle on my ADHD as she did, but it was really good for me to read about a girl who had this disorder that doesn't really get taken seriously in women. And we all know how blondes get written as dumb and smart girls get written as ugly, so Annabeth was unprecedented to me reading these books at 7 years old. (And a girl with grey eyes?? I felt so validated)

As I grew up, and Annabeth grew up with me, my hair darkened and I saw less of myself in her physically. She was still my comfort character, I just cared less about how she looked. But I think it was important that she looked like me as a kid, even if she doesn't now, because that initial connection in a tiny kid brain is so incredibly special.

All this to say, the current casting for Annabeth is PERFECT

Leah IS Annabeth! Her mannerisms, from what we've seen so far, are PERFECT and I'm so excited.

A lot of people have touched on how Annabeth was originally a fuck you to white blonde stereotypes and black women have similar stereotypes used against them so it's a good casting parallel. And I love that aspect! I want more young girls to have the same experience I did reading the books.

Young white girls have already been covered. I don't look like Annabeth anymore, and that's ok. I had my time, and the books are still there for the next generation to read. Book and TV Annabeth can and should coexist because positive representation is important for every kid. I'm excited to see a book!Annabeth and tv!Annabeth trick-or-treating together like my friends and I did. I'm excited to see young artists finding their passion through a character they see themselves in, no matter what version they draw. And I'm excited to see an influx of young black girls getting their chance to connect to this character like I did because there isn't enough representation for them either. And there sure as hell isn't enough representation of smart black girls with ADHD.

[lostmykeysie]

I have a super long comment for you about the Horcrux Hunt bcs I want to comment every chapter I read but I forget bcs I download the ao3 doc to my books app okay here we go!!!!

Agahdgdjd I just finished reading it and I loved it soooo much. Remus and regulus friendship is EVERYTHING to me. The platonic kissing!!???? As an Aspec gal this means so much to me bcs ahhhdghdhd and let’s be real those two deserved a little song after all that tension and then just cute little kisses bcs they both need a good loving friendly kiss aww. And I loved the flirtiness bcs I just know those two would constantly have such good banter and get along and I SOBBED when reg became a part of the lupin family. Also. HOPE LUPIN.!?!??? The best Hope I ever did read about. She is amazing and now the only version of Hope I accept ty very much.

ALSO also I love regulus so much and love your characterization of him and seeing his growth. Also I am autistic and I headcanon reg as autistic and there were so many moments in the way you wrote him that fit in with that that made my heart so happy UGH and some moments where I felt like he’s aspec of some sort like aro specially and wow reg my boy <3

And ugh Remus and his feels over being accused as the traitor??? Rough but also I love the angst. His complicated feelings about himself and others and I can’t wait to see him sort shit out and start healing bcs he deserves to heal and be ANGRY and sad and everything. Remus my best boy <3

Also I’m just getting into jegulus so I’m super excited to start reading the missing link!!! The way james is already slowly creeping on him agshdjd I can’t wait to see it all happen.

OKAY THATS ALL I LOVE U AND UR WORK AND U ARE AMAZONG OKAY BYE GONNA GO READ THE MISSING LINK NOW HEHEHEH :))))

Oh PS I loved Remus getting to scream and go off on dumbledore that was amazing and more people should get to scream at him.

i always download long fics to my kindle so i feel you baby!!!!!

putting my boring reply below the cut xxxxx

aspec babes deserve all the platonic kisses they want and deserve and they deserve them all xxxxx this includes me so WHY is no one kissing me platonic smooch smooch xxxxx i have said this before and i know i haven’t written it but reggie is definitely aspec xxxx

regus friendship means soooo much to me i have also said this before and i will absolutely say it again but like. i am obsessed with them. they are BEST friends. forever. they are something special that’s friends and family and more and i love them forever and they will always be besties in every single fic i write for the rest of my LIFE. and they FLIRT and i LOVE IT and hope is such a queen i feel like she deserves her own fic i also want to hug her i bet she would give the best hugs ever i bet she’s the only person regulus is 100% comfortable having those long hugs with that last arguably too long and it gets weird (this is how i feel about most hugs)

omg so i’m answering as i read so YES i AGREE i think there’s a tiny bit of me that is accidentally being a bit self insert with reg LOL ANYWAY i think we see reg very similarly xxxx

on the traitor point… a few people have said ‘how did he even forgive them in the end’ and i think that is so valid like to get over a betrayal like that from your closest friends would be so so so hard and i tried to reflect that and not just make it an easy fix because oh my god how is that not in the back of your mind always just whispering all the time??? like getting over that would be a JOURNEY so yeah it got a bit angsty haha but i feel like if anything it could have been worse it could have been unresolveable !!!! but it will never be because i am a happily ever after boy ONLY

i am a bajillion years late to this i’m really sorry i’m a pants person who is 99% offline BUT thank you so much for your consolidated comment it’s so sweet and has made me smile all lame and gross xxxx i hope you enjoy / enjoyed TML too i hope that it gave you the healed remus and the jegulus you deserve and maybe some giggles hopefully xxxxxxx thanks for being nice to me lol i honestly am so weird and lame and awkward but kiss kiss i am blushing like a loser xxxxxxxxx

[basingstokemercury]

The Courtship:

no ouch why

how could you use a poor cowboy so 😭

Ben can be overbearing, Adam is a magnet for pain, and Joe's a right little terror more than half the time - but HOW CAN ANYBODY DO WRONG TO HOSS WITHOUT FEELING BAD FOR THE REST OF THEIR LIVES

"I reckon the Ponderosa holds as much claim to us as we do to her" 😭 (happy)

And then Hoss turning on Adam and shattering my heart with two sentences... (took him one scene to feel awful about it but wow really has Adam ever lied maliciously in his life? does being in love make Hoss just forget how to read someone he's spent his whole life close to?)

Felt very Pride And Prejudice for a moment, I approve.

Adam and Joe working together to protect Hoss was great, more please they're such a deadly team when they put their clevers together!

The Spitfire:

How did they get a fighter plane to the 1860s- awww no time travel episode? that's not what they meant?

...joseph francis cartwright if I had a nickel for every time you brought a girl home and she bit you...

Grandma Hoad 😍😍😍 We love a warrior matriarch in this blog! and I was kinda shipping her with Ben a little

Ooh, reading while riding! Seems impractical, but so exactly what I'd expect from-

STOP SHOOTING ADAM ALREADY I'm beginning to think he likes getting to act all anguished and dramatic (which is fair as an actress it's very fun)

I knew they wouldn't kill off a lead in season 2, but the heart attack I almost had seeing him drop from the horse after being shot by someone who "never misses" 😨😨😨😨😨😨

And of course the book saves him because that is the Most Adam Thing Possible

(can anyone tell what book that is? all they say in the episode is "poetry", and there's a second or two of the title page in the scene after he's shot but it's hard to make out. might be French? DOES HE READ FRENCH?!)

Uh how'd he get back in the saddle with a bullet in his thigh even if it's not as bad as it could have been? (Pushing through the pain and risking more injury later, if I know Adam. Typical.) (Well, I guess we don't know he got back in the saddle. Maybe he managed to crawl home/to safety or something?)

ADAM'S BEDROOM I'VE BEEN WAITING TO SEE THIS!

Nice pyjamas, but that's not what I'm here for. I was hoping-

And there it is! No model of the house, but a writing-table full of what seem to be architectural schematics with several more rolled up beside it, some kind of surveying or levelling tools piled on too, and an armillary sphere to top the whole thing off! The set designers definitely put thought into this I'm genuinely impressed after bracing for just another standard room with things in like we saw for the others!

Ben coming to talk peace with the woman whose son Joe killed... It's all very well saying "leave the grief and hate behind", but would he really have been in any state to judge her favourably if Adam had been lying dead that day rather than recuperating?

And Joe's upset so he runs to Adam and becomes a sad little pile on his bed... the cuteness I can't

(some What Katy Did vibes in Joe earnestly running in to get advice from bedridden Adam. now there's a book I was never quite sure what to make of.)

Joe: I'm gonna do a stupid dangerous thing! My mum: He's an idiot- Well. We knew that.

"JOE! YOU CAN'T! LISTEN TO ME COME BACK-"

(tries to get up and grab him)

(ow leg)

(poor frustrated Adam watching his baby brother run off into danger and having to lie there helpless... I do not condone throwing books in emotion but this was definitely a valid reason to be upset)

Luckily, it worked and we now have new friends with a minimum of people getting killed! Happy ever after all round (except the guys who got killed of course)!

[jamiekb]

Listening to TMA for the first time (Part VII)

Part I II III IV V VI

81-100

#81 A Guest for Mr. Spider: Ok, that was an interesting way to begin the season for sure. I do like the narrative that John has always been surrounded by these Entities, just out of reach until one day he won't be. Barely managing to get away time after time until he fulfills his purpose I guess? Anyway, good to know that Leitner books can take anyone away as long as they are able to read, no age requirement necessary. And I'm sorry John but I didn't doubt for a second that you were an annoying child (like outside the autistic coded aspect, or maybe it’s just that huh)

#82 The Eyewitnesses: Damn no wonder she doesnt go around sharing the origin of her nickname. It's so interesting to get to see more of Elias, up until now he's been just kinda doing his own thing, not really helping anyone too much. He can arrange for the CO2 cans but not security cameras, just decides to give John the key to the tunnels, only intervenes with the others when tension is too high. Is he like a manifestation of the Eye? He can tell your life story from a glance or at least when youve encountered the supernatural, knows everything about the Institute and its employees, and I'm sure will have something to do with John coming back to the archives. Weird guy. Also maybe he was the one to turn on the recorder? Or is it just sentient?

#83 Drawing a Blank: Ah ok so if I understand them the Stranger is anything that isnt quite human, just a bit off, just a bit uncanny. But is it enough that they are uncanny or do they need to take the place of someone? Or are those two different things/beings? Also may I just mention how nice of Georgie to let John stay at her house, and how gratefull they should be that John never takes about his other connections? friends??

#84 Possesive: Oh really can't trust Elias even a little bit anymore can we? Poor Martin with no way of knowing what he might do to anyone can't even warn Melanie properly. Hope we get to hear when Tim finds out and they should also really read her in on what they've gathered so far. I like her and wanted to see more of her, but not like this. Although I have to saw I'm not actually surprised, it felt like it was building up to it, maybe cause she was in the Institute so much it claimed her? Oh and what is that "to whoever is listening"? If they're just records then it's not completely unusual that who reads them switches, why the need to point it out? narrative reasons maybe but feels a bit obvious.

#85 Upon the Stairs: I think all of the possibly perspectives to look at the statements John has recieved are valid. Michael is dangerous. Many were once people but can't go back in a sense. And I'm sure they are sent by someone in the Archives, like Elias maybe? Love that John can interact like "normal" people with someone, can make a joke about a guy your friend is gonna date.

#86 Tucked In: I find it quite funny that both Martin and Tim are not confortable making statements for whatever reason, maybe because it's something only The Archivist does or just the general situation. This does go with my headcannon that John can give it that extra emphasis and feeling because he's the Head Archivist, kinda like Elias in a way. Although Melanie was quite good, love how she's still hesitant to believe the whole thing. And nice of her to agree to meet John, and of course he's paranoid enough to record just out in the world.

#87 The Uncanny Valley: wow, that was a dense episode. So this poor man encountered the operation by which these things wear human faces (like the mannequin at the store, the humans stuffed with saw dust, maybe even changelings), which is run by I Do Not Know You. They want to carry out the Unknowing, in collaboration with the Lightless Flame. Those are th ones seen with Agnes who could burn things and maybe the delivery guys??? The woman that had accompanied Agnes more closely is Jude Perry. Still a ton of questions: is the Devastion and the Unkowing the same? Have we encountered Jude Perry in a statement before? Who is Orsinov and is he related to the circus? Why is the circus now stalking John? And can someone please give Georgie and explanation and a medal for being such a good friend.

#88 Dig: Damn so it's the same calliope, how did they get a hold of it? Was it Elias? Did the Eye just kinda facilitated it to the circus? Also love how unsettled they all seem when they finish reading statements, nvm just John, the institute just kinda gives them the ability to really tell it how it is. I'm guessing Melanie was asking around because she's helping John. Weird that they don't remember the statement about the calliope, maybe they really just do some research but don't really read the statements.

#89 Twice as Bright: that was so cool!!! finally an insight into the Lightless Flame, kind how that lot feels, a bit of how the Eye also works. Also interesting how Perry says that it will consume you if you don't feed it. So maybe Gertrude investigating into things fed it and she was only killed because Elias deemed it so. So maybe John having like something to investigate is making him more stable??? And nice to know that John has an actual ability, weird as it may be. But also is there gonna be anything left of him by the end??? Scars from worms, burnt hand, what's next?

#90 Body Builder: I'm still wondering (maybe I'm slow on picking it up) is the tape just pressing itself whenever someone enters the room???

#91 The Coming Storm: web imagery but that's not the main thing obviously. Good to see John finally starting to learn what he can do, but still not enough John. So Daisy just goes around trying to kill the manifestation of entities? And hoefully that's not the last of Mike we see, it was nice to see how he operates. And would that work? Sure John is the Archivist but Elias is still part of the Institute, the Eye, who could triumph over the other? Or maybe just a stillmate? omg only when i listened to the next did I really understand that John was strangled, he's really just gonna be scars by the end of this.

#92 Nothing besides remains: well thanks Elias I guess for explaining most of those things. So Daisy will remain basically hired muscle for when Elias wants to, Basira is now tied to the Institute, indeed Elias has near unlimited power for aything pertaining the Eye but needs things to naturally develope so it doesn't interfere (or something??? so that it goes with the nature of the Eye i guess), John is back to work and will continue to slowly investigate more on this Unknowing ritual to stop the world from ending basically. What a good buildup to all of this it was, still hoping we'll see more of Michael, sure Elias doesn't like him but more because its a loose canon.

#93 Contaminant: well don't just leave it at that Georgie, give John a statement. Was she one of its victims?? Also I really hope that John manages to keep a nice normal friend outside the Archives, though I'm not hopeful. At least I hope nothing happens to the Admiral.

#94 Dead Woman Walking: I knew I would eat my words about Georgie being normal as soon as the last episode ended but still, damn. Well at least she's still alive and can maybe understand John so there's that. And yes John they have already told you that it still takes some effort, both Mike and Elias said that i believe, at least Elias, you're the Archivist now learn to listen and process.

#95 Absent Without Leave: Poor Martin, can't even have a breakdown in peace, but yeah it sounds like Basira that she would just stroll along, that's been her life since she's been sanctioned anyway.

#96 Return to Sender: Good to know that John still has a ways to go before he really gets how to compel. So he still needs to learn what to ask, how to ask and that his questions can give them as many answers as he gets. So now the Mimic thing knows that the Skin is loose somewhere or at least that the Archivist doesn't know where it is.

#97 We All Ignore the Pit: not a big surprise, but nice to know that the things that are mimics are the same at the circus. Weird to want that skin but okay to each their own. I just hope Orsinov didn't use Georgie's or the Adminal's voice box. Again John really is the punching bag of the entities

#98 Lights Out: oh Melanie, please be careful, i really like you. Hope John can come back soon so that poor Martin can stop reading statements, it kinda takes even more out of him than it usually does John. Good to know the Eye just kinda records whenever it can and wnats to. I understand how frustrating it must be Tim but it still recorded a conversation, get used to it.

#99 Dust to Dust: I think I'm starting to understand the running joke of "you look away for a second and John has been kidnapped again". Well that doesn't sound good for him, wonder if anyone will notice him or what they'll do to him. Give him a break you things, hes basically new to the whole thing, even Perry said it took her a while to understand.

#100 I Guess You Had To Be There: so you can really tell when John doesn't show up at work I guess. So which Lukas is that? Is that the fiancé? Or the one at sea? Or maybe they're the same, I'll be honest I have difficulty retaining the names. Even if they were all over the place the stories do bear resemblance to known entities: Agnes, the thing about the tunnels and the spider thing.

[monstersinthecosmos]

Marius will visit a therapist because he's the wisdom vampire. But he'll end up turning his therapist as a lesson because how dare they make assumptions about him without surving 2000 years themselves!

Dgjkadls STOP LOL

This is actually so on brand for like Old Canon Marius who like, yknow, tends to SAY STUFF but doesn’t actually mean it because it’s part of the character he’s crafted for himself. Like, of course he WANTS to be a wise patient mentor and he tells people like Pandora and Armand that he wants them to CHALLENGE HIM because he thinks that’s something a wise patient mentor would say, when in reality he actually doesn’t want to be challenged, and reacts very poorly to being challenged.

So that type of Marius would ONE HUNDRED PERCENT book some therapy to say “wow can you believe it, look at me, I am so enlightened I am so modern and open minded, I am such an example of non-toxic masculinity I cannot believe this, is everyone looking? Do you all see me doing it? Should I tell you about it? Can I announce to the entire Court that I can’t come tomorrow bc I have a 8pm with Steven? He makes a special night slot for me do you believe it.”

But then like. Is he gonna actually do the work? Does he allow Steven to challenge him? Does he go to therapy thinking that he’s going to be validated for all his petty bitching and does he think he’s paying somebody to have an outlet to complain about his life??????????????????? When Steven suggests “Marius I wonder if the common denominator here is you” does Marius FREAK THE FUCK OUT?? (Yes lol.)

((I’m laughing, if you’re into nerdy psychology shit and ever watched In Treatment on HBO, this is very much Colin & Brooke’s dynamic in Season 4 where he’s presenting himself as this enlightened guy who isn’t too masc for therapy but then it’s an act and he becomes a raging misogynist when she asserts herself with him D: ))

But anyway I cannot roast Old Canon Marius without also saying that in my mind, Post-Canon Marius has been humbled and is ready to do the work and stop being a cunt.

I’ve been tinkering with a vampire therapy fic (don’t tell anyone) and how it would look for them. Yknow in a way that isn’t cheesy LOL. But like how could they learn about psychology and how can they apply it to their unique lifestyles and brain structure. Who can they learn from, and is it possible to talk to someone or is it always going t be just reading self help books? But idk I just felt like the series ended on such a hopeful note. Marius is ready to stop hating himself for being a vampire, he’s ready to try to talk to Armand (honestly, I think?), they all just had a harrowing near death experience that might call their feelings about mortality into question. He’s going THROUGH IT with Pandora omfg. Ahjgklad.

Anyway. !!!!!!!! I believe in him lol he will be rehabilitated.

SORRY I FEEL LIKE YOU SEND THIS ASK AS A JOKE BUT IM JUST, FULL OF FEELINGS YOU CAN’T EXPECT ME TO NOT CRY ABOUT MARIUS WHENEVER SOMEONE GIVES ME THE OPPORTUNITY

[filthforfriends]

I created my tumblr as a platform to dump my writing and fan edits, but also as a place where I didn’t have to filter myself. My mental health is so fragile that when something happens to me everyone wants to go straight to fixing it and skip the “wow that sucks” stage. However I’ve learned that feeling my anger is important because for so long my mother filled up all that space emotionally. Here I I can rant and rage and not worry about concealing anything. People whose names I don’t know not only validated my experiences, but often share them or at least understand them in a way that comes with tremendous empathy. But for the first time I’ve paused and I’ve concealed and I’ve questioned whether or not I should post this.

My life is no longer garden variety sucky things took a really disturbing turn just after Christmas. But there are still a variety of reasons I want to post this, mainly I don’t know how to feel or react. Maybe someone else has endured something this violating and humiliating but shoved it way down and felt alone. God knows I share those actions.

If you click beyond this point you’re agreeing that you’re at least in your 20s, mentally stable, and understand that what follows is megafucked

My mom is a published author. I was discouraged from reading her work because it was as very “adult” but at age 15 I snuck a peak on a story that I realized it was not so loosely based on my brother. I know she wrote about her life experiences through the lens of her narcissism and called it fiction, but I thought that the much of her stories was still made up.

So I’m visiting family over the holidays and my cousin whom I haven’t talked to since 2015 could tell that a book my mom published in 2019 was very clearly about me and non-fiction. He said that he tried to read the book but “there was just something about it he didn’t like.” It gave me a strange feeling so I read the short story.

It was absolutely not fictionalized at all. The character had a different name but the story contained my exact medical information, exact dates reactions happened. Extremely specific descriptions of my medical issues, many of which were mental.

There’s no question I should have been taken to a child psychologist. By the age of four I’d developed panic disorder, OCD, attachment disorder, and suicidal tendencies. I was not a happy child I was in constant fear and my mom used every detail of this because my story was compelling. I really can’t stress enough that she changed nothing but my name.

She documented exactly what I said during panic attacks that ruined my life. She documented what I said after attempting to drown myself. When they brought me to a therapist she documented how I behaved in the sessions, what I said, what the therapist said. My mother takes a journal with her everywhere and journals in the morning and evening.

She took all these direct quotes and described my every trauma response and brush with death in the first five years of my life. Confidential, highly specific, private information and she got it published and distributed nationally. I helped her do press on that book because I didn’t know. Now all these people know the most intimate details of my excruciating childhood.

I can only assume she did the same with her last book which several of my high school teachers read because they were her graduate students. She wrote the recommendation letters that helped them get that teaching position. My mother is a respected tenured professor at the university in our city. I cannot exaggerate how trapped I feel right now.

Eden, that sucks but it isn’t disturbing. This is me giving you another chance to scroll.

I found out from reading this non fiction “fiction” about my childhood that I was molested. By my mother. She wrote about molesting me. I had no memory of this particular incidence but I do remember another one like it that I ignored by convincing myself it was an accident. So I know that just like everything else in that story, the molestation did happen. I’ve showed it to a social worker and my therapist who both agree what the scene described.

Absolutely horrifying right? Yeah, especially because it’s on the third page. Especially because she gave this book to every member of my large extended family for Christmas. I can’t believe she allowed me to devote hours to publicity for this book. I got her in a Buzzfeed article. I must look like a imbecile to anyone that attends readings and signing who have read the book themselves.

My working theory is that my mother was just doing to me what was done to her by multiple men in her childhood. I don’t think she was attracted to me as a child. Because of her narcissism she didn’t consider how I might be affected from these experiments. Of course she hasn’t acknowledged what happened on any level. The scene is phrased as if I wanted what was happening to be which of course I didn’t because I was four.

I think poorly concealing it in a story was some sort of absolution. If people read it and didn’t call her out that would mean she did nothing wrong. Every mental health physician has suspected molestation even after I insisted it didn’t happen. They only asked about the men in my life, but never my mother.

I don’t know how to feel or act or change as a person or think about it or treat it. Has this dictated everything about my relationship with sex? Has it dictated nothing about my relationship with sex? How do I move forward?

[dasenergi-diary]

Hello Friends! I'm avoiding doing actual work that I'm getting paid for, so I thought I'd document some of my history on Tumblr:

My first Tumblr post was on August 24, 2009. I was a LiveJournal guy, but my gf at the time (Kristi Hart) used Tumblr. I joined because of her.

My first posts for the first couple of years were actually syndicated from LiveJournal. I didn't reblog anything or post any content original to Tumblr. Then in 2011 I started syndicating pictures to Tumblr using a site I'm surprised still exists today called Moby! I just looked, all of the pictures are still there! Here's one of my kids from 2011 at the Salton Sea.

A year later, in June of 2012 I decided my Tumblr needed a focus. I had a pretty large collection of behind-the-scene images from movies, so that became all I posted.

Some random examples: Behind the scenes of Alfred Hitchcock's Rear Window, The Dark Crystal, Phantasm II, Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, The Neverending Story

That continued on for several months, I probably posted 100+ of them.

In July of 2012 I created my @frankenbuddha account, since @dasenergi was solely "Behind The Scenes" movie posts, I needed someplace to post all my nerdy, lgbt, Buddhist, spiritual stuff.

By the end of 2012, I had given up on the "Behind The Scenes" posts on DasEnergi. They weren't getting any likes.

I abandoned FrankenBuddha and resumed posting all my nerdy, lgbt, Buddhist, and spiritual stuff on DasEnergi.

Two years later, my youngest child joined Tumblr in 2014. They were 13 years old. They came to Tumblr for all the cat posts! So I then used Frankenbuddha to collect all the cat and animal posts I could find, and share it with them. FrankenBuddha is STILL cute animal and humor posts now.

On DasEnergi, I started making a lot of my own memes and then added a bunch of tags to them, trying to attract followers. Here is one that was 100% true "I am desperate to just really connect with one other person." I was so depressed and felt so alone at the time. Here's another, "I have a crush on everybody who is nice to me."

I also posted a lot of selfies, trying to make that human connection with others. Here I am trying to look tough.

I also posted more about my life and my feelings back then. There's this one: "I’m considering shaving the beard. Maybe I’ll find someone who’ll love me if I’m clean-cut." I felt so broken. So unlovable.

Here's a creepy one from a year later, November 2013 - "Why yes, I did just go through the GPOY tag and liked a bunch of strangers pictures. I couldn’t help myself. They’re cute!"

As my tags strategy wasn't working, I was Liking people's posts trying to make connections and build my followers.

For those who may be too young to remember, GPOY is an acronym for Gratuitous Picture of Yourself. I don't think it's used anymore, is it?

Looking back on my archive, I had also realized in 2012-2013 that the only way to get followers on Tumblr was to reblog others work. So I started doing that a lot more.

I've always collected quotes. In high school I would spend my lunch break in the school library reading quotes from Bartlett's Book of Familiar Quotations. In 2013, I see I started posting a lot more text posts of quotes from my archive. I remember Tumblr even had an automated template I'd use for quotes.

Wow, yeah, as I'm scrolling through the archive they're mostly text posts, of quotes.

In 2014 I see I started posting A LOT more, and it seems to be 50/50 memes and text quotes. I also see fewer posts about my life and fewer pictures of myself. My mental health was much better. I wasn't seeking validation from Tumblr. This was the year I had my Awakening experience and fully embraced the magical and the spiritual. This was also the year I started dating Geronimo, my first boyfriend.

Right now I'm scanning through April 2014 and it looks nearly identical to what I'm posting now. Yep! The blog as you all know it now has been around for nearly ten years.

8,882 Posts 1,062 Followers 1,060 Following

I currently have 302 posts in my queue. I only queue five posts a day between 7pm and 10pm (Pacific time).

@male1971 has been around since September 2016 for all my nerdy posts, most from my childhood. (I identify as a male and I was born in 1971.)

@bi-buddha has been around since February 2019 for my LGBT posts.

@moovees and @melodiousmonk are both new, created last year for my music and movies posts.

And that's about it for my main side blogs. If you actually read this whole thing, THANK YOU for your interest in my Tumblr history.

I had some cringeworthy moments there, mostly healing from my 15 year relationship with my ex-wife and my five year relationship with Kristi Hart. But I'd like to think I made it out of those dark times a better, wiser, person. (Or I'm in deep denial about how depressed and messed up I still am.)

Okay, back to work...

[seulcesoir]

— The Art of Summer Love.

What makes you believe that 'this' is what makes you fall in love with someone? Is it because you have a lot of things in common? Like being equally interested in thriller movies, literature, having similar viewpoints on something or you simply fall for it.

“It turns out you also like thriller movies.”

“Do you listen to The Cure a lot?”

“We have a lot of things in common.”

Many people believe that love is simple—that you simply know that he is the one person you admire. Some people believe that love is really complicated. What does Sora believe? Both are valid. There were moments when she thought love was as simple as folding an origami bird, and times when she thought love was as complicated as the maths olympiad questions she did when she was in high school. Aside from the many criteria a person has, there is one thing she knows for certain about falling in love. There was a sense that was quite simple for her to grasp: she just felt that he was the one she desired the most, and she kept thinking about him.

Sora sat on a park bench in the shade of a tree. The June breeze brushed over her unruly hair. Her hand was holding a pencil and a sketchbook. She drew line after line from right to left, up to down, to create a pattern of a person's face. The pencil strokes then came to a halt because someone called her name.

“Sora!” He said it with a smile, the sweetest smile in her eyes.

Sora simply smiled and waved as a tall man wearing a basic white t-shirt carrying a black tote bag approached her.

“Sorry for being late; I bought you some banana milk.”

“It's okay. I just came ten minutes ago. Thanks!” Then Sora took out a box of watermelon, despite the fact that she disliked watermelon.

“Haha, that's my favourite.” As he opened the box, he stated this.

“Do you already know what you want to draw?”

“Hm. I think I know what I'm going to draw.”

“Great.” He then pulled out his art supplies.

Sora's favorite season is winter. But she also like summer since it allowed her to spend a lot of time catching up with someone. It was much like their typical routine. They spend time together drawing, painting, or do nothing. Sora moved to another city after graduating from high school for some reason to live with her aunt. Only during this season was Sora able to meet up with this man.

They'd been sitting on a park bench for several hours. Each was preoccupied on their sketchbooks, with only short talk, banana milk, and watermelon to break the silence.

“What exactly are you drawing?”

“You!” Sora excitedly showed her drawing.

“Me? Really? Wow, thank you. Hahaha. I'm overjoyed to have it.” His syes shone brightly, and he grinned. His gaze remained fixed on himself, as painted on the paper by Sora. “Can I take it with me if it's for me?”

“This isn't the first time you've received a drawing from me, is it?”

“Hahaha, just in case you wanted to keep my face to yourself.”

“Haha, what is it for?”

“I've been thinking a lot about you. Your smile, your laugh, and your sad face, I have them in my mind, and some I put into drawings. Which you don't know.”

To Sora, drawing for someone means that she cares for that person more than anyone else, that is unspoken by her. She is very happy if her drawings can make those around her feel that they are special. She is also happy if someone draws for her. Every line drawn, color lost, and emotion poured out requires time. It's incredibly special to her.

“What did you draw?” Sora asked him back.

“It's just... the sky.”

“In Japanese, Sora means sky.”

“I know.” He smiled.

“I also drew you.”

““Why does it feel like we're not meant for each other when we have so much in common, even though we understand each other, if we like each other even though it's unspoken? Why does it feel hard to show that I care about you so much, that I want to know what song you're listening to, how your day is going, what makes you sad, what makes you happy, and what book you're reading? I just feel I shouldn't say I like you, Sora.”

Yes, I can tell that's what he had in mind. Maybe. Whether it's true or not, I just feel like he's saying that to me, and I think the same as him. I shouldn't say I like you.” Sora had a conversation with herself.

Both of them harboured their feelings deeply, but neither of them wanted the summer to pass quickly.

[groverapologist]

Heyyyy. How u feeling about wrath? Because I have never ever disliked a Ricky book, not even Blood of Olympus, before and yet 🫢🫢🫢 I thought this book was genuinely terrible?? And on one hand it goes against everything in me to say that because I just want us all to love PJO and all love Rick and be happy together. But also I cant get over how bad bad bad it was! And I want to cry because I didn’t ever expect to be this disappointed by my all time favorite author. 😫😫 Percy was so confused and powerless and self deprecating, Annabeth was so so so mean, and my sweety boy Grover who’s supposed to be the actual lord of the wild was just a side character who messed everything up. And why was there so much pee and vomit and farting?? I lost my appetite reading it! 🤢🤢🤢

Anyway I just want to know if anyone else is feeling sad and let them know that they’re not alone and that it is okay to be upset and disappointed. I get people saying ‘It’s not that serious’ but this is a community and series a lot of us care a lot about and I think it’s ok for us to be angry. Everyone’s feelings are valid. If you loved it I am so so happy for you, but for those of us who really wanted to love it and did not, I want that to be okay to talk about too. As long as everyone is respectful to each other. But for me I have to admit that this book ruined PJO a bit for me? It doesnt feel the same and I have never felt this way about a Ricky book. Wow this is breaking my heart a lot to admit

If you personally loved it I m so happy for you and I’m not trying to convince people it was bad. Because there were definitely a good ton of fun and sweet trio moments and some good Sally lore and cool fight scenes. But overall it was just a bad book. And I thinm Im finally admitting to myself that Rick only cares about his tv show at this point and I want everyone else who is realizing that too to be okay and know they are not alone😔😔

Hope you are going good. Sending good thoughts to you 🧡🧡

i haven't read it yet and i'm honestly a little nervous to. i've been seeing a lot of criticism for the book and am nervous to see how good or bad it is. i personally liked tcotg but was a bit disappointed with how the "percy needs to go on a quest" idea was executed (...recommendation letters? really?). still loved seeing the original trio back in action and loved the overall message. not one of my favourite RR-verse books but i definitely liked it. i don't know if the new book will match up, and from what i've read... it hasn't.

i don't mind RR focusing on the show (i love the show, if that wasn't clear) and don't know if the quality of the books is due to the show. i honestly haven't read many of the follow-up books after PJO and HoO because i feel a lot of it focused on quantity over quality, even before the series release. i just don't know why this has been going on.

i'm going to be reading the book later (i'm a little preoccupied as of right now), and i really hope to be proven wrong about my pre-judgement.

[awritingcaitlin]

March Wrap-Up

Wow somehow it’s already April. But also… finally it’s April. March felt like it went by in a flash and also like it dragged on forever. 💜Regarding Me💜 So the packing chaos continued into March as we continue to prep to move. In addition to packing came cleaning and other necessary things to get a house on the market. We also went and looked at new houses, and there’s some we really like, but without our current house selling first, it’s too soon to put an offer on one.

Currently, I’m living in ~staged house purgatory~ which is a real fun time in which we pretend we don’t live in the house and thus there is no trash, no litter boxes, and no extraneous items laying out. 🙃

Freelance work has picked up a little, but I’m hoping I get something more regular to cover both some of the expected and unexpected expenses of moving. 💻At the Keyboard💻 Despite all the moving shenanigans, I got back into writing late in the month! I’ve officially rewritten the first five chapters of Heist for Draft 3! A grand total of like 4k new words over the past week really. All of my main characters have been introduced and the plot is now underway. I’m really happy for the direction it’s taken and I’m crossing my fingers that the next five chapters come easily to me. And then the five after that, and then the five after that…

Considering it’s Camp Nano April, even though I’m not participating on the site due to ~reasons~, I’m going to try to prioritize writing a little more this month. It’s actually hard to track word count when this is a revision and so some of the chapters will be just copied into the new draft with minimal changes. But I’d like to see maybe 50-60k total words in Draft 3 by the end of the month if I can swing it. Which should get me well into Act 2. Completing Act 2 would be an absolute stretch goal.

I’d put an expected date to have Draft 3 done by, but with moving and trying to find work, it’s hard. 📚From the Bookshelf📚 I finished Ryka Aoki’s Light From Uncommon Stars. I’ll be honest, I came to the book looking for the deals with demons and the violins. I stayed for the queerness and all the references to California. I honestly really loved the book. It didn’t shy away from talking about how being different affects a person—whether that be race, class, or identity. I also cannot even begin to describe just how much I loved reading how music was described throughout the narrative. It’s given me ideas for what I want to do in Heist and if I wasn’t moving and trying not to buy new things, I’d by a physical copy to annotate. (Maybe I’ll by an ebook and figure out how to annotate with my iPad.)

I loved every single POV and I felt like every one of them came to the table with a desire that was valid and made sense. Honestly, the only thing I didn’t like was that it felt like there were two ways the author wanted to end the book and she couldn’t decide which one worked better, so she went with both. Except they don’t 100% match up.

Do not let that keep you from reading this book however, because it’s absolutely amazing. Read it if you like music. Read it if you want to read about what it means to be a person. For what it means to be love and accepted no matter who you are. I’m still thinking about it weeks after I finished. I’ll end this here, since that’s about all I have for now. Stay tuned for whatever April brings!

[heyftinally]

Okay I have a real post planned for tomorrow when I'm more coherent/less sleep deprived but I have a lot of feelings about Alice Oseman's book Loveless that I just finished, and I wanna be incoherent about it for a minute.

This book was so good. SO good.

I have, like, two pages of annotations from while I was reading it. Mostly consisting of "me", "mood", pride emojis, and way too many dumb jokes/puns, but also some real thoughts about the book and how it related to my life.

As an adult ace, Georgia's cousin was lovely to see. My asexuality has only ever really caused me worry because it's hard to find someone who's willing/able to meet me where I am. In many ways, I'm too ace for the allos, but not ace enough for the other asexuals. So it was nice to see an adult ace who, though maybe doesn't share the future I want, is still happy, successful, and fulfilled.

The real star of the book, to me, was Sunil.

Wow. I absolutely loved listening to them explain asexuality, and more importantly, get it so right!

So, so often I see definitions or explanations of asexuality that are incomplete or miss the mark.

"Asexuals don't like sex" except some do

"Asexuals don't feel any sexual attraction ever" except demi, grey, aceflux, and more exist

Confusing asexual with aromantic happens a lot, too.

Sunil did none of those things.

He explained it while still honoring all of us, which, as someone who hasn't always felt "ace enough", was so, so validating to read.

I love this book, and it gave me so many wonderful emotions.