#it's used as motivation to keep going so...still inward in that way

[maddy-ferguson]

society if girls were taught to turn their discomfort outward instead of inward

[guardian5tiger3]

No contact tarot reading /intuitive messages 🌟

Groups.

1 2

3 4

Group one

This is either family, someone who you were happy with, or someone that you worked with. It seems like you guys were attached to this person and we're hopeful about your connection and then were let down. A lot of you are trying to find yourselves and or fill a void that was left with this person being absent. That seems to be why spirit had them leave your life . This may be teaching you guys to be independent on some level and or that you do not need anyone to accomplish your goals. In regards to being sad or disappointed about what used to be, I see that spirit wanted your priorities elsewhere. This is all in your highest good as you can't see everything that they can ok. I see that for some of you it feels as though this person is still there even though they're not and that may hurt. It may feel like it will always be this way and it will always bother you. spirit is asking for me to tell you guys that in some way you need to consciously fight against this and confront it , and they want you to understand that whatever was between you and this person or maybe even people I'm not sure, was not the purest form of love. And they want the purest form of love for you. Nothing less than. I just heard guilty conscience. If this is you you can utilize this in order to get over this person. They might help make you feel better in terms of feeling guilty. If it isn't you, it's them. Or it could be both of you? The reason some of you feel the way you do is because this is a level of a spiritual connection , but keep in mind it is not the highest one. You have people that are more meant for your truest self. So this is signifying that by you having dealt with this person you were at a higher step on your spiritual journey, but I want you all to be encouraged to continue evolving and moving forward. This may have felt good but it isn't the best it can be. I wanted to say you have people counting on you so I suppose that is a message for you all that that is so. I'm sorry guys, spirit doesn't want to me to talk about this person much at all. They want me to ask of you all that you get over them. I hope this helps. I love you all. Happy times ahead you're in the middle of a period you can compare to when pressure is put to make a diamond, or when the butterfly is in the cocoon.☮️💕

Group two

You guys seem like you're still contemplating about this. Some of you want to talk to this person in a manner of defending yourself or something .I see you guys doing something to spite this person. Spirit is asking me to ask you all that resonate with that to please do not do that even if you're just using at fuel for motivation in your own life because it is a more negative vibing energy and you don't need that. Instead what you're really seeking is higher vibing emergencies you're mistaking as being spite, and they want you to go with that or those vibes. This is truly only doing things for yourself because you love yourself for instance. They want me to say also that by trying to spite them you're actually putting yourself down for this person which is the exact opposite of what you're trying to accomplish. You guys have to be honest with yourself about how you really feel. Don't tell yourself that it's any type of negative for feeling any way that you do. Emotions are strength and they are a necessary tool for human beings. Please some of you keep in mind if someone brings out any negative reaction within yourselves that you're letting them one up you in a way. Focus on yourselves and making yourselves happy regardless of what the hell anyone else is doing. Build yourself up. You guys need to look inward in general and sort of explore the depths of your own souls.

Group three

*this was such a specific reading it was almost ridiculous. Hear it out though I guess.

Wow . You guys. Wow . This energy is coming through strong and clear already for me. So somebody is really overshadowing probably even hiding someone else. This is for some type of public recognition. Like " look at me ! Look at me!" When the person they're trying to block is the one with good energy, so you can see why they feel the need to in a way cause an eclipse of some sort or something like that because this person is so in their ego and they couldn't have this other person around because in their mind they're scared this person would naturally without trying take all the attention away. This is me personally but why not just work on your energy instead of trying so hard when even standing alone you're not gonna get the same attention as if you were being pure about it. fuckhead. It feels almost like I'm zooming in on something now, so the person with the good energy is being surrounded by horrible energy sadly and they're trying their best to stay positive and ignore it.*along with being isolated. The sun card is coming out. So I'm getting that the person who is wanting attention is the one sending at least some of this horrible energy and they're about to be or have been exposed about this. So this person was digging themselves a grave , meanwhile the positive person though being rightfully messed with and things has been building themselves up very well. I just got that pertaining to this situation there is a major death and rebirth occuring. So this first part was the death, and onto the rebirth.. I'm picking up on someone almost sneaking up behind this person who is positive. I get they might ask them what happened and this person will get to share their side of the story. And i think things somehow will be made clear.so this is crazy the person having to defend themselves is going to get a happy ending it seems and oddly going back to the whole person doing all of this to them to get attention socially, the good person is actually supposed to and will be able to give to other people which is crazy that the bad person in this was stopping them from doing that for attention or something. Okay I don't know who the hell you are in this but socially things will come in I heard better than before and all will be made well basically. I really don't see at all how this is no contact but you guys know your situations this was so specific but I can relate to this and being that we're all family and tend to have stuff like this in common I won't be surprised if there's a good reason they had me do this reading. My best guess is you guys are either in no contact with the good or bad person or y'all are the good person then I don't know who the actual hell you're in no contact with less it's with the bad person or..... You guys duh no contact with all the people the bad person was blocking the good person with. I guess you guys know your stories. I hope this helps.

Group four

*this reading was a little confusing so take what resonates.

I'm getting something about a phone call or phone calls. You guys seem like you're doing ok at least I hope you are. This also may be some sort of physical ending that took place as well as verbal. Take what resonates. Someone or something spirit angel person I don't know actually really blessed you with this ending . Even if it may be a rough one which for some of you it is. Yeah spirit suggested you cut communication as a way of self defense. Either way this was guided. You guys definitely constantly check yourself to make sure you're calm and being mindful. Someone may have done something behind your back that would or has or will really piss you off. This seems like a woman. Either way I also see this person possibly having threatened you in some way to try to disturb your good energy frankly. For some of you probably a lot of you actually but not all. This person was trying to kick you out of their home or did. This was just to try to make you feel imbalanced. That's a dick move guys seriously. Like lowkey spirit just said "piece of shit" lol ok . Sorry everybody. You guys seem to really want to just be yourselves and enjoy your own energy and shit. Spirit just said "it's just a matter of time" also in my right ear if that matters to any of you I guess. I don't know fully how no contact this is cause they keep showing me that you guys feel the need to be fake somehow . You guys might have someone trying to talk to you and you're just not being receptive or well this seems like a different energy so this could be the one fully cut off. You guys know your situations. Somebody has or does make you feel like you're a certain type of person or something like that. This made you feel stuck. Some of you still feel stuck somehow someway. Okay if you do it's seriously just a matter of time before there's an ending so for some of you you're going to have to move out if you are ready to or not if that's your situation. Yah so spirit is showing me that there are resources that you can contact if that's the case. Damn guys I'm really sorry if this is so. I didn't even pull a card just channeling but oh my god the amount of transformation this will cause in you in just one event is insane. Like you guys snap and really become your own persons. For the future future after all this storm passes indeed you guys being very well off, chilled out, in control of everything , and no bad vibing person is showing up at all. I just got a glimpse of the persons karma and it's crazy. I will do readings on people's karma's next ok. Bless you guys one love and peace out dudes.

[chaisshitposts]

Hi! Do you have any advice on revising the past? I read everything I could find on the internet. Yeah i get it persist and never give up. But I keep looking for hopes and faith from the outer world. The happiness and motivation i get from reading success stories are better than I go inward and just meditate or imagine. How did you keep going until your 3D changed? It’s challenging to ignore 3D, i just can’t, I am still in-fact a human needing to survive. I wanna change my past but it’s hard to do it when the consequences are right here in my face, everything around me is reminding of my past that i want to forget and change. Will 3D ever change? Like the way want it to? I don’t want sp, or just a little cute change in 3D, I want everything to change, everything. Something that’s so magical. But I don’t know why I keep going back and forth. How do you do it so effortlessly? (sorry for the rant just wanted real good advice u seemed like the right person to ask)

a lot of it has to do with my own stubborn nature, as well as creatin' the assumption that everything works out in my favor so even when stupid shit happens I just affirm that it always works out in my favor and that soothes me. that, and constantly reminding myself whenever I feel doubtful that I have an end goal and I will have that end goal eventually, I use that as motivation to keep persisting. i also act a bit delusional whenever needed. also, eventually, you'll learn that time is truly an illusion and doesn't matter so that just makes things easier—

i don't know if any of this will help ya tbh cause I don't like givin' advice tbh

[seafoamreadings]

week of november 13th, 2022

aries: mars retrograde squares neptune all week and it's probably going to make things pretty weird. but later on in the week venus moves into sagittarius, bringing you some very beneficial fire energy and giving it all at least a little bit of a pleasurable quality.

taurus: venus makes a quick trine with her fellow benefic, jupiter, before moving on into sagittarius, your 8th house. so avoid accruing any debts, even if they're not the financial kind, but this can be a good time to pay down any loans, and if you've recently sparked any kind of romantic situation it likely becomes more intimate at this time.

gemini: there's a lot going on but one major bright spot is venus gracing your 7th house, which makes all your partnerships lovelier and softens any enmity you have going on. mars is still definitely up to weird stuff, but your ruling planet mercury also makes a very auspicious contact with jupiter, and this can be great for you financially.

cancerians: deeply watery vibes may have your friends and neighbors feeling like they're drowning but for you it is like home (unless you're a very fiery cancerian, perhaps). people's feelings do the talking for them and that's how you instinctively prefer it. you don't have to tip them off as to what you're doing, but keep in your mind that their words mean little at this time.

leo: it is still scorpio season, which is not the favorite part of the year for the majority of leo people. however, this week has venus moving into sagittarius. and while leonic sorts are not huge fans of the sagittarius time of year either, it is at least a fellow fire sign, and venus here brings a flash of glamor and warm fuzzy feelings.

virgo: it's a strange time for virgoans but it's at least also a mutable one. cycles matter a lot to you/your body so use this point in the year, especially if you're a northern hemisphere virgo, for finishing up the harvest you've made and then taking a good long rest. you can get up and clean and putter around the house if you have the energy, but if you just want to snooze under a pile of blankets by a warm fire with a purring cat, this is the right time.

libra: if things have been tough they begin looking up this week with a shift toward fiery energy that has been lacking for a long time, as well as a libra moon and some very auspicious venusian activity. at minimum expect a little more energy and motivation. the luckiest librans will get positive developments in their love lives as well!

scorpio: watery auspices continue as the faster moving planets traverse your sign. by the end of the week, although it will still be the season of the scorpion technically, mercury and venus will both have found their way into your second house. do not despair that they are leaving your sign; this is great for your money situation, whether you are in financial need now or simply wish to build upon pre-existing wealth.

sagittarius: both mutability and fire increase this week and these fluctuations center on your sign. mercury and venus make their ingress here this week. this makes you charismatic and silvertongued almost like a particularly well-adjusted gemini; indeed, with mars retrograde in gemini still for a long time yet, even geminis will be impressed by you.

capricorn: can you feel your focus turning inwards? more than inwards, spiraling in on your own awareness, until you forget who you are or where or what year it is...? it's the shift of things into your 12th house, and it is a great time for mysticism (as opposed to practical magic or, you know, letting the chips fall where they may).

aquarius: for some of you every hard transit to neptune in your second house over the last many years has been a financial difficulty. this week, you get a chance to catch up as there are many fortunate aspects involving pisces/your second house.

pisces: the planets you have the greatest affinity for are undoubtedly neptune and jupiter. right now they are both in your sign. you probably know this, but this week especially they are strong and well aspected, bringing greater ease and fortune to many facets of your life.

[selfcontainedunivcrse]

vwoop + cion something, ~1100 words

“If it isn’t the littlest enderman,” Cion cooed, peering over to the corner of the shop where Vwoop sat. It seemed to be organizing a bookshelf; it frowned as it tried to shove another book into a shelf that didn’t have the space for it. It looked up to Cion in greeting, and then continued at its task.

So Cion continued, “Where’s your keeper?” 

Seren. Vwoop's… father, Cion reasoned, though the two of them met the framing with some resistance. The two didn't tend to refer to eachother as anything in particular, so he filled the space. Regardless, they were a difficult individual, one that Cion hated to give the credit implied when he called them dangerous. There was something about him, though. Many players pondered the great universal encoding or whatever they were calling philosophy these days -- probably not that--, but it always took an odd one to actually put action behind the theory.

Cion's eyes swept the place. Trinkets were stacked on tables, shelves, and the floor, none of them anything that Cion had ever seen before. Something tucked behind a bowl on a shelf caught his eye. One moment it was a jar. It was seethrough and narrow, and probably hollow. Cion didn't want to find out. In what seemed almost like a breath, the expanded slightly, the glass turning into an opaque pink and black repeating pattern. It contracted inwards, becoming clear once again.

“Ren? I dunno. He’ll be back before the evening — errands, I think, probably.” Vwoop paused for a second, allowing Cion to hum in response, before starting again. “I, um, finished writing down the cookbook! The pictures aren’t very good, but — but, ah, I tried.”

Ah. Vwoop’s… bootlegging. It was somewhat endearing. He didn’t want to explain copyright to it — if not because it would be too hard, or would crush the poor thing’s hobby, then it was definitely because Cion sort of was curious about the nebulous way that it was to be enforced.

See, Cion understood. Cion understood that being told what to do sucked. Cion understood that most rules were bluffs -- there was always a way around them, so long as you weren't particularly attached to the society that created it.

Some rules weren't like that. Well, they were -- but Cion was very attached to his un-corrupted world, thank you!

Vwoop tilted its head as Cion didn’t respond. “What’s up?”

“I have something else for you.”

Ah, right.

Seren wouldn’t be back for while, it sounded. It was as good of a time as any to talk to Vwoop in confidence. He could feel the base of his throat go cold as Vwoop looked up at him, its eyes perpetually wide. This was a bit… well, a bit unfair in a way, wasn't it?

The poor thing liked him -- well enough, at least. If it wasn't on account of his character (and it almost certainly wasn't), then it was because it felt some sort of kinship with the fact that he was an enderdragon. It was an ender-lotl, as its father had apparently told it. Seren failed to elaborate on what this meant; it was ender, it was an axolotl, obviously? (This was, of course, after Vwoop had introduced itself properly; before, Seren had explained Vwoop using other, increasingly unconvincing methods when Cion had caught glimpses of it peeking around doorframes.) Regardless, given their shared species traits, Vwoop had seemingly decided that they just had to be friends.

It was a mutually beneficial relationship that they had going on. For everything about endermen that Cion shared, Vwoop was very receptive to phishing about its father. Vwoop didn't seem to know very much -- he was a bit strict, seemed to keep it on a tight leash. What exactly his problem was seemed to be a mystery to the both of them. Still, he must have some sort of motivation -- nothing that Cion could think up painted him in a favourable light. And then, there was Vwoop itself… among the whatever exactly Seren was doing with all of these -- for lack of a better term -- weird, existentially concerning novelties, Vwoop seemed to be his crown jewel.

But, well… there was no sport in this. It was not difficult to fool, and he didn't feel good about it. The only reason that he still kept at it was that as transparent as Vwoop seemed to Cion, it must be doubly so to Seren. They needed to dress their words in something too innocuous, something not even worth repeating to its father. They weren't even hard to come up with. It had no reason not to believe him. Surely it had to have learnt about lying, like, conceptually -- but if it had, it didn't tend to show it.

Or, maybe it had, and it was far exceeding Cion's expectations.

Cion took the fabric from his cape to shine the eye on his chest -- it occasionally fogged with the temperature, but it was somewhat of a nervous habit. It was strange to touch it, but he'd gotten used to it over the time -- there was a sense of disconnect with these glass eyes, a sort of barrier between himself and the outside world. After thoroughly fiddling, he pulled the eye from its silver socket. That, too, took getting used to, as half of his vision sat in his hand.

With a bit of concentration, he focused on his other eye -- the one sitting atop his crown -- until the first lens faded from his vision. The connection was still there, though. He held it out to Vwoop.

“You’re giving me your pin?” Vwoop asked. "I -- I like it, but I don't have a cape, so…"

“Well, I use it as a pin. It's not, though, on its own. You know what it is, isn't it?"

“It’s an ender eye. They look for the stronghold. You have two of them, 'cause it's enderman-like, and you're enderman-like," Vwoop offered. "Yeah?"

"Yeah, more or less," they said. "So, Pipsqueak, for you."

It took the little orb in its hands. It seemed to weigh it, before turning it over its hands.

Cion bent down slightly to see it better.

"… thank you, but, um, why?"

"Well, it's a whole can of worms." They waved their hand meaninglessly. "Society. Most things are like that. It goes home."

"If your home is the End."

"Well, not anymore, but for the average guy. Ender-guy. It's sort of a sense of community, eh? Something to take you home. It's made from enderman drops, they're pretty protective of those pearls -- at least, not giving them over to players -- well, considering they all want to kill the dragon, I guess you can't blame them. Never heard of piglins or villagers doing any of that nonsense, anyways, 'cept the player converts but that's not what this is about."

"I follow…?"

"And the shape of the eye. The imagery of it. And -- well, you'll find this as you go, society's all about the ancestors and the lineage. The eye's looking for home, but the eye's looking at you, too, eh? It goes both ways. So," he paused, reaching down to mess the fur on the top of Vwoop's head. "So, there you are. For you."

Vwoop seemed to contemplate this for a moment.

"Think of it as a good luck charm, maybe. Keep it with you. Ah -- there's something else about good luck charms, though, as they tend to be. You can't tell anyone."

[truckfreaks]

if you're still doin' em..... 👀👀 I'd love a reading on my career, if possible! (It's an area that brings me a lot of worry in my daily life! Worries about the future etc.) Also your new decks are sooo pretty omgg,,, looking at them respectfully 🧍‍♂️ I've been real tempted to get the Rainbow Tarot for myself, I'd love for you to use that one! So cool that you're doing this, thank you!!

Knight of Cups, Two of Pentacles, and King of Cups reversed. Two fell out during shuffle as well: Ace of Wands and Queen of Wands reversed.

✨️👁✨️👁✨️👁✨️👁✨️👁✨️👁✨️👁✨️👁✨️

You find yourself drawn to creative pursuits you're passionate about during the coming weeks or months. Maybe this is something you wish was more present in your career, or perhaps you wish you had more creative control over what it is that you do. But your dreams are just that until you realize them. You've got to take action to make them real, right?

Except maybe it doesn't always feel as though you have the time or resources to do so, particularly within your professional life. Maybe you feel as though you're juggling so many different priorities, wearing so many different hats, that the pursuit of the things you love isn't always possible. You're doing a wonderful job of balancing these things, but the issue lies in whether or not you're actually thriving in that environment. That is, you CAN do it, but do you want to be? You need to look within yourself during this time and ask, am I doing this for others, or am I doing this for me? And if I'm not doing it for me, then how can I step back and focus more on creative pursuits that are going to nourish my soul? Tune into what your gut is telling you, and more importantly, believe in what it says. Additionally, you may be tempted to keep these feelings to yourself and just plough through. That's not a good idea. You're in control of your emotions and feelings about this situation, and you need to acknowledge them head on.

✨️👁✨️👁✨️👁✨️👁✨️👁✨️👁✨️👁✨️👁✨️

(Additional cards fall out during shuffle at times, usually because the shuffler is clumsy. Some folks also take it to mean "extra points of interest relevant to the question". I include it as a companion piece to the main reading, so this for those two cards.)

There's going to be a new potential creative pursuit on your horizon. You may discover a new passion project and find yourself wanting to follow that thread. Invest in your development of this skill at that time. Take a class or practice or read/watch tutorials. With this potential comes the possibility for opportunities - maybe even career based ones, or it may divert your interest into looking into a different field. It may not lead to a new job or anything, but see where this new and/or rekindled interest takes you.

You may find during this time that you want to turn your focus inward and reconnect with what you personally want out of your life. There could be some obstacles - internal or external - that come between yourself and your current job. Sometimes it's as simple as just feeling unmotivated about your profession. But its important to you to feel like what youre doing is actually worth it. If this current job is one you used to love, but don't anymore, try to reconnect with what made you want to do it in the first place. And if you can't, or it never felt that way and was just a means to an end, then it might be in your best interest to hatch an exit strategy. Look within and determine a career that aligns more closely with things that are important to you, and keeps you motivated.

[rosasbasement]

slippery slippery

I have been angry lately. I noticed. It is what it is. I went out last night with a bow in my hair. Wearing a bow is like wearing a smile. Even when I’m frowning, it’s sunny. I needed that type of support and less tight fitting garments. I’m not enjoying that kind of attention. But it’s still a pretty thing that makes a head turn so, all the same. Maybe part of my hatred is just my need to be noticed. I resolve.

I woke up guilty and with lower back pain, counting the number of drinks but there weren’t as many yesterday. I decided to treat myself to dinner and to lunch and to breakfast… so there is the guilt there. Also likely some crass thing I said. But mostly I was on my best behavior, I’d say. I had some talks and I danced with heels on, left the dinner spot barefoot and got hit on by a 50 year old woman.  I’ll say. I told myself no breakfast, and do Pilates and then changed my mind because I felt anxious and needed to treat myself, to relax. I ordered a breakfast burrito and asked for sugar to be added to my oat milk late. I prefer oat. I have zero regrets about now but still the insistent pain that awaits another uterine lining shed. How syrupy drinks have become my thing. 

I was skinnier in my twenties, I had the black coffee habit and I ate like a bird to avoid having too large a body. I was a fun time. I’m no longer as motivated, however, I pursue strength and shape and direction is focused inward. I mean we try. I have a very light, limited work out routine. It’s what I fit in. I’m not doing anything A+ these days. I think I’ll maybe push for more from myself someday but I have felt the need to ease into that Janell. I’m maintaining momentum. I’ve lost my identity as a singer and gained one called friend and helper. I’m in love with that… and not in any moral superiority kind of way. Enjoying not being something is liberating. 

I came to a place I haven’t been for a while. I planned to sit in the patio but the heat of summer has not been of interest to me. I opted to sit inside and I like that the weather in this place isn’t 30 bellow. The double doors are keeping us acclimated. I approve. I’m sipping the right drink and another over priced burrito with the frozen toaster hash brown stuff inside for $14. Please charge me that and make the hash browns fresh. But I understand, I wouldn’t go the extra mile either, so we are the same. I may order this again, but my opinion would still not sway. Along with the resentments and unforgiveness in my heart of hearts.

I just remembered that this place is a regular stomping ground for an old regular of mine. That is too vague for me to not get in trouble. To clarify, someone that I just never want to run into comes here often and it’s making me feel a little vulnerable on this bar stool. I would cease breathing for a minute and then be forced to fake a smile because I don’t want to make a scene in front of the rest of the restaurant who have no idea the terror this asshole, who’s smiling at me, has put me through. Oh the forgiveness I haven’t been able to keep in my hands because it keep slipping out. Slippery forgiveness. I’ll be fishing for avoidance from now on.  And just keep hoping I won’t have to live that awkward smile faking moment ever again. Until Christ saves me for real. 

God bless.

[psychreviews2]

Mindfulness: Gone [Anicca]

The Flow of life

After seeing how conceptual the sense of self is, and noticed the pain of it, it becomes easier to notice where the letting go points to. It points to a stillness that was always there. Looking for a concrete self and finding vibrations, and learning to preserve peaceful stillness, points to how impermanent everything is. Things arise and pass away. Therefore, nothing concrete can provide permanent happiness. Once the outside world is looked at in this way, the same perception can be turned inward.

Gone

The Zen practitioner Shinzen Young provided a memorable concept of Gone as a method of practicing with impermanence. He uses a noting practice which can be counterproductive when it interferes with concentration. Shinzen qualifies the practice: "As a general principle, put no more than 5% of your attention on the labeling process itself. The other 95% goes into the 'knowing.'" As you can recall in the 1st of this series. Bhikkhu Analayo emphasizes that concentration has to be enough to facilitate memory, or else it's already a form of mind wandering. The difficulty is getting the mind to realize that it doesn't need too much pressure to be aware. Just a small movement of attention is enough, and an internal knowing that is able to recognize what is there.

If you practiced the prior Jhanas practices, you should have a foundation to develop what is necessary for good noting practice: Concentration. Shinzen requires that concentration be good enough to detect all kinds of experiences vanishing/diminishing, to be able to stay focused on vanishing exclusively, and to not push and pull when a vanishing is happening. Essentially you have to be able to stay concentrated with equanimity. In the prior videos of this series, being able to let go of a gross sense of self, and to see the pain of it and to preserve peace, helps to motivate an equanimity to just be with sensations. This helps to bring a comfort, as opposed to terror. No matter what happens, "this too shall pass."

The Source

As Daniel Ingram pointed out before, this practice needs a good foundation to keep a person sane. With concentration as a basis for pleasure, it can prevent a psychological breakdown, which can happen with these practices when they are done without a sense of pleasure or a warmth towards oneself. Treating mindfulness as a means to an end, just increases suffering. Like in St. John of the Cross and his Dark Night of the Soul, the mind is being purified of addictiveness with it's eventual union with God, or Nirvana in Buddhism. This of course can go into an over-intellectualism, but nothing beats actual practice. Being clearly, but gently aware of what arises, and especially what passes away, relaxes the need to hold onto experiences. There's also a sense of rest that can be found with each letting go. For example, if something is unpleasant and it vanishes, then naturally there is relief. What is unexpected is that when good things are happening, and they vanish, the mind can learn to feel a sense of rest. The mind is finding something enjoyable to follow. Shinzen says that "you are gradually developing a sensitivity to detect the unborn source of consciousness."

This is a difficult practice, because the mind has to authentically let go in order for it to feel relief. By detecting gones with a sense of richness, and even a looking forward to another gone, prevents the mind from going into despair, and it can actually enjoy that stillness. The end of every breath is a stillness that timelessly contains all events. Shinzen defines ending as Nirodha in Sanskrit, or Nirvana, to blow-out. The blowing out quenches distress, and paradoxically becomes fulfilling. "As you become more sensitive to detecting Gone, you may come to a place where you note it so frequently that Goneness itself becomes an object of high concentration. The gaps between the 'Gones' get shorter and shorter until a figure-ground reversal takes place. Gone becomes the abiding ground. Self and world become fleeting figures. Needless to say, experiencing something like this will have a huge impact on how you relate to aging and death."

Even when death surrounds everything, there's an eternal nothing where everything comes from. It was always there, so a permanent sense of loss is comforted by a permanent sense of rest.

Gone - Shinzen Young: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L-7LXHjGHfM&feature=youtu.be

The power of Gone - Shinzen Young: https://www.shinzen.org/wp-content/uploads/2016/12/art_PowerofGone.pdf

What is Mindfulness - Shinzen Young: https://www.shinzen.org/wp-content/uploads/2016/08/WhatIsMindfulness_SY_Public_ver1.5.pdf

Dark Night of the Soul - St. John of the Cross: https://www.isbns.net/isbn/9780486426938/

The Science of Enlightenment - Shinzen Young: https://www.isbns.net/isbn/9781683642121/

Mastering the Core Teachings of the Buddha: An Unusually Hardcore Dharma Book (Second Edition Revised and Expanded) by Daniel M. Ingram: https://www.isbns.net/isbn/9781911597100/ Free version: https://mctb.org/

Contemplative Practice: http://psychreviews.org/category/contemplativepractice/

[awfulawfulawfultimesthree]

Rambling #1-Caregiving

Kewlio, so. I was told that when first coming here to not worried about being perceived, so I won't. Not going to say anything racey but sometimes things don't make sense and that's okay.

So, caregiving. Maybe it's just because I was raised where I had to be rather responsible or keep others in the back of my mind always when I did anything, but I feel like that might've caused me to develop some sort of need to go out of my way to make sure other people are okay. I used to be really bad with it to the point of being naggy, but I feel as if I've let up in the past year since I've been working on being more selfish and worrying about myself first. It's a very easy slope to fall into, especially when you get praised or complimented for how kind and sweet and thoughtful you are, but I feel like that also leads you to develop a dependency on that domapine/serotonin rush you might feel, fleeting as it is especially if you don't get a whole lot of attention in the first place. So you do everything you can to chase that high and that feeling, like a drug I guess? An addiction the the attention and the warm feeling it gives you in your chest like a pile of fresh laundry that you jump into, just to sit in and experience. But eventually the heat leeches out of the clothing with nothing to sustain it and that feeling of a job well done goes away. It gets even worse though when you do that and don't get acknowledged at all, or even scorned for it. Then it's like having a shock of ice hit you, the shame and embarrassment of having gone out of your way (granted, with ulterior motives) for it to be all for nothing. Then you retreat inwards which causes people to worry so you have to go out of your way to pretend that all is fine because it would take too long to actually go over and explain because you might cry and you don't want tears, do you? You don't need to be comforted, you need to be seen as strong and capable and able to take care of others, lest they feel like a burden because they see you're dealing with your own stuff. That's not your role, you're meant to be the caregiver and make others feel better just be being around, no?

Was it that Katy Perry video everyone was meeming a few years ago? I feel like I just repeated all of that, but at least i can say I get it?

That was my thought process a while ago, and I'm not saying that I don't feel it now still but I can say that I'm working on it. Now if I go out of my way to help people, it's because I actually care rather than pretending to get some cheap chemical rush. Can't say I've gone and opened up to people wither, but I don't feel a need to. None of their business, right?

Maybe I'm not as good as I thought. But it's fine, no one's perfect and all that. For the time being, I'll just vibe.

[clementines-writing-corner]

mental health, the inadequacy of words, & being kind to yourself

Hello friends.

I am going to be very transparent with you all. I did not get anything done this week. It was a very rough week for me mental health-wise and I could barely drag myself through completing my class assignments, let alone think about writing creatively for fun. (Technically this blog is a class assignment for now, but I try to think of it as a fun hobby so I don’t burn my inspiration out. Having to post once a week for class is just extra motivation to continue to work on my creative writing as opposed to neglecting it for “more important tasks”.) 

I was disgusted with myself this week. I was bone dead exhausted. I kept wanting to cry and cry and cry and never stop, yet the tears would never come. I was so, so very angry, at life, at the world, at myself,  in a way that I rarely ever experience. I felt like I could shatter to pieces at any minute. 

I had a talk with my cousin the other night at a family birthday party about the inadequacy of language, particularly the English language, to truly capture emotion. I envy poets and authors who have the skills to evoke even a mere fraction of the emotions they are feeling or projecting upon their characters through the limited conventions of words. I hope to harness such skills someday. I am most certainly not there yet. I cannot even begin to describe to you the depths of my headspace this past week, and yet I still try. To be quite frank, I have not had a depressive episode so bad in months. It makes me all the more glad that I finally made the decision to attend therapy/counseling. 

I know at least one thing my wonderful therapist (she truly is lovely) will tell me when I visit her this week. I need to practice being kind to myself during tough times. I often get so frustrated when I can’t find the motivation to “properly” do my work or devote my time and energy to something important or beneficial, such as working my creative writing muscles as I do in this blog. And I have always been the type of person to project that frustration and anger inwards, instead of letting it explode outwards. But being negative will only keep me trapped in a vicious cycle of mean thoughts and hurt feelings. Being kind to myself, and giving myself space to rest, recharge, and eventually regain motivation is extremely important. I would do well to remember that more often. And I don’t think I’m the only one who could use a reminder. 

I apologize for dumping that on y’all and the jumbled mess I feel that this post has become, but I think it’s important to be transparent about my ups and downs, in life as well as in my writing. I’m still pulling myself out of the hole I dug this past week. Yet, I do want to reassure you all that I am okay. I may not be great, or even good, but I will get there in time. I am okay.

Whatever you all are going through this week, please remember to be kind to yourselves. And even when it’s hard to, try to remember to dot your j’s and cross your t’s. (Sometimes satisfaction is found in the little things.) It will get better soon. It will.

With lots of love and positive vibes to carry you into this next week, 

~Clementine J. Quincey 🪷

P.S. This post was a bit of a downer (much like my week) so here is something that made me smile this past week; a bright spot in the midst of some cloudy weather, if you will. 

Autumn is my favorite season, (I oft tell my friends I was built for autumnal weather), and this song is just so hauntingly beautiful and melancholic. It almost hurts in a good way. When I stumbled across it this past week, I played it on full blast in my car with my heat pumping but the windows rolled all the way down on my way to class. It was the best. ᕱ__ᕱ

[fraener]

2/23/23

i got the job at the craft school! yesterday it snowed while i was at my interview and before, and after i was done i walked around in it for a while. hans made it to his destination and we talked on the phone 3 times today which was nice. i miss him a lot already. it snowed through the night and was very cold today. two of my coworkers are really good looking and charming so its good motivation to go to work i think. ill be planning and executing all original lessons to groups of 6-10 kids twice a week. not getting paid very much but i think itll be alright since itll be good for my resume. the teaching demo was weird but it went well. i did a cup with feet and demonstrated some wheel throwing techniques and they asked me a lot of questions that i didnt have the answers to like whether i thought it was possible to teach small children to throw or things like that. i feel sort of worried that i might have a hard time holding my boundaries against this place to work at and might not have much time to myself but i dont want another really empty summer i dont think. last summer was a strange void in so many ways, despite so much happening.  susan is really excited for me to do it, they think itll be really healing for cup and itll be good for me overall. i really miss karen. ive been spending a lot of time in my fort in the livingroom. school was cancelled today for the snow, which was powdery and fine and thin, but the ice coated the roads so no one could get in or out of the woods. i went for a walk with amy today and it was very very cold out. the sun felt really nice though and it was really nice to see her. she played substitute boyfriend in the evening and fed me and did the shopping for me and watched tv with me. i felt very washed out and tired today. i started my period and slept a lot of the day away and spent most of it lying down, which i think is alright since i did so much yesterday. class, then interview, then therapy. i still found myself just sort of waiting to go to bed in the evening after all of that though. i liked the presentation in class, it was about creative practices of observation and information collection. i went to see the snowdrops again with amy today, they were of course untouched by the snow. its incredible to think something so delicate looking could be so incredibly frost hearty. i feel good emotionally but i think i can feel this period will be worse than the last couple ive had. im very tired. im holding onto the image of the snow swirling around me like an arch to my shape, the wind being blocked bringing the flakes swirling inwards, a stillness in the sideways snow of the mild blizzard we had yesterday afternoon. wish i could journal like i used to. i feel like i have too much to say these days and so i lose the little details even though they feel just as if not more important than the rest. i want to keep trying.

[dizzysdomain]

For Smart, Permanent Weight Loss Seek Balance In Your Life

Are you staying up late at night worrying about losing weight? If so, you need to stop now. You need to lose the weight not only for yourself, but for the people around you. The best way to go about it is by reading good information that will help you get started. Read the article here to get some great advice. Even if you are at work, at a party or other place away from home, you can continue to follow your weight loss guidelines. If snacks are provided, opt for healthier options like fresh fruits or veggies. This will allow you to enjoy all of the fun without compromising your diet regimen. You don’t have to dwell on your diet while having fun; simply work with it. Eat baked potato chips instead of the regular potato chip type to reduce fat consumption. Baked varieties contain almost a third less fat and still taste great. Drinking an increased amount of water can give you a quick way to lose 5 pounds. By reducing your food consumption and increasing your water intake by ½ gallon a day, you will shed water weight. This is not fat loss, but is a quick way to get the first five pounds off and quick-start your weight loss program. Each time you reach a weight loss goal, no matter how big or small it is, make sure that you allow yourself to celebrate your success. Treat smoothie diet plan yourself to something you have been craving, or do something just for yourself. Small rewards will help you stay motivated. You must monitor how many calories you consume. When you eat more calories than burn, you will not lose weight. Eating a lot of calories can hinder weight loss. Keep a food journal. It is an invaluable weight-loss tool that can help you eat less. Choosing leaner cuts of meat can improve your weight-loss results. Instead of using rich cream sauces or sweet barbecue and steak sauces, try a simple salsa or a rich chutney. This helps keep your meat flavorful and moist. Chutneys are available in a variety of sweet and fruity flavors and add a whole new level of flavor to your protein. When you first start improving your diet, count all your calories including those from gum, condiments and beverages. Estimate the amount of calories you burn through exercise, housekeeping and regular daily activities. With that said, by eating the right amount of calories, the individual will be able to tell how much to eat on a daily basis. You shouldn’t be drinking liquor with food when you want to be on a diet. Liquor has a plenty of calories and can weaken your inhibitions towards overeating. Drinking alcohol provides you with only empty calories, so you are not getting the nutrients your body needs. Work your abdominal muscles while you sit at your desk. The main muscle for abs is known as the transversus abdominis so work on it! You can strengthen it by sucking your belly button inward as far as you can manage and holding it in next to your spine while you breathe in and out a few times. After your food shopping, separate everything into little meal-sized individual packages. Buy Ziploc bags and other small Tupperware containers that will allow you to properly store your food portions. Have your food measured out, ready for you to take when needed. Talk with your partner when you are having meals together. You will be able to better digest your food this way and control how much each. So talk away in order to decrease your food consumption. Make it a rule to eat at the same time each and every day. This will help you establish a routine so you don’t eat at all hours. You should try getting your snacking times on a schedule, as well. By having a schedule for your food consumption, you aren’t as likely to eat too much food during one sitting, which causes weight gain. Cut out the calories. There are two times the calories in one fat gram than there is in one gram of carbohydrate or protein. Slash the dairy you eat, don’t use so much oil, and reduce the high-fat foods in your diet. Adding fiber will help you feel full; therefore, incorporate plenty of fruits and vegetable in your diet. To ensure good health, keep your portions small. Eating small portions helps you stay at your ideal weight. Weighing less is good for your health and your self-esteem. Also, your overall health will improve and you will be more energized. Eventually, you will be in tune with your body and able to discern the difference between true hunger and food cravings spurred on by emotions or stress. You would be amazed at how often people eat because they are sad and for other reasons other than hunger. You need to eat fat to burn fat. Omega 3, Omega 6 and Omega 9 are healthy fats that can help you lose weight. They will not be found in packaged foods. However, these fatty acids that you can obtain from legumes and fish, nourish the cardiovascular system while cholesterol, both of which can aid weight loss. Before you start to develop your weight loss plan, you must establish your healthy, ideal weight. Determine an ideal weight by using an online calculator and entering your body type, height and other factors. It may be different from what you think. By having the correct information, you will be able to set healthy weight loss goals. If you love pizza, there is an easy way to cut your calories if you want to eat it. You can blot each piece of pizza that you plan on eating with a napkin, and that will soak up a lot of excess grease. Being overweight can lead to a great deal of worry and anxiety, so you need to start losing weight right away. In order to start living a healthier life, it’s important you take the weight off soon. Begin today by utilizing the advice provided.

[anakinskywalkerog]

My Very Soul (Chapter 16)

Anakin Skywalker x Jedi!Reader

Link to Chapter 15

Warnings: more angst (sorry), pouty Anakin, and dissociative symptoms? lol

Summary: Dealing with the aftermath of your difficult conversation with Anakin, you are presented with a new mystery to solve

Word Count: 4.4k

"Tyrannus?" Master Obi-Wan said again, stroking his beard, sitting in the ship's hull with you and Master Yuma. "I've never heard that name before. Though," Obi-Wan continued thoughtfully, "it could be a codename. Someone powerful enough to order an assassination likely wouldn't reveal his true identity to his underlings."

       "Or hers," Master Yuma agreed, "or theirs. And how does this Tyrannus fit into what we've discovered about Dooku?"

       While you and Anakin had been...well, arguing, Master Yuma and Master Obi-Wan had discovered evidence of Count Dooku's involvement in an effort to unite various separatist factions into a real political movement. Of course, it was unlikely that Dooku himself was involved in the separatist violence toward the Galactic Senate. There was no motive. Still, Dooku's political leanings meant that you needed to tread carefully. His efforts to secede from the Republic could have dangerous consequences.

       "We'll need to leave the system, and then return," Master Yuma suggested. "That way, we can land in the space port and state our intentions to pay a diplomatic visit to Count Dooku. He won't need to know of what we have learned already."

       "You said Anakin wasn't far?" Obi-Wan asked, looking at you attentively.

       "He wanted...to make sure the perimeter was secure," you said slowly, as if your tongue was numb, looking down at your hands. This was a feeble excuse, and you knew it, but Obi-Wan didn't seem inclined to press you further.

       "I'll go and fetch him." Master Obi-Wan rose from the flight couch and strolled down the ship's open ramp into the forest. You and Master Yuma sat quietly for a moment, you making sure your Force presence was pulled fully inward, into the singularity inside you, the infinitely dense space where you could hide yourself when needed. It was no use.

       "Spill it," Master Yuma said, sitting across from you, leaning forward and looking you in the eye. "What happened?"

       "Nothing happened," you said, quasi-truthfully, avoiding your Master's gaze.

       "I'll know soon enough," Master Yuma said, inclining her head toward the ramp. You knew she was right—Master Yuma would be able to read enough of the situation in Anakin's Force presence when he returned. You sighed.

       "Truly, nothing happened," you pleaded, glancing at Master Yuma's beautiful face, feeling a sting of embarrassment. "I—I don't know what you all want from me." Your cheeks burned as anger singed through your insides. "I'm supposed to follow the code; I'm supposed to be compassionate; I'm supposed to put other's needs before my own; I'm supposed to do all of this at once, and I'm trying to, but it's like trying to hold together a starship with a thin strand of string. It's impossible to do all of it at once without hurting anyone. I can't—" You blinked back tears out of your eyes. "I can't make everyone happy, I can't be the perfect Jedi, and I'm trying so hard. Everyone is mad at me, all the time." You wiped your nose with the sleeve of your tunic. You knew you sounded like a whiny teenager, but you didn't care. You couldn't keep your frustration inside yourself any longer.

       "No one is mad at you," Master Yuma said softly, reaching out her hand to place it over yours.

       "Anakin is," you said, your face falling into despair. "And you are, too," you continued, looking your Master in the eye and pulling your hand away. "I know you think I should be handling this differently. I don't know what you want from me!" You stood up, swinging your hands. "I'm trying my best to keep everything together, and it's not enough for you, or for Anakin, or for the Order."

       "I'm sorry, Y/N," Master Yuma entuned softly, remaining still in her seated position, exuding the calm wisdom that came so easily to her. "If I've been too harsh with you, if I've overstepped my bounds, if I've made my opinions known without focusing first on your feelings—I apologize for my mistakes." Master Yuma's humility stripped the anger right out of your presence, and, as you usually did after an outburst like the one you'd just had, you felt remorse seep through you. You hung your head.

       "I'm the one who should be sorry," you said quietly, turning to sit next to Master Yuma. "I shouldn't have lashed out like that. I'm just," you scrunched up your face, pushing the tears out of your eyes with your fingers, "I don't know how to do this. I don't know how to make everything okay."

       "Sometimes you can't," Master Yuma said graciously, stroking your hair like she used to do when you were younger. "You can only do your best to make decisions that are right, and good."

       "I am trying," you sighed. The feeling of her hands on your hair made you feel comforted in a way only Master Yuma could comfort you. It made you feel younger, like you were protected from harm.

       "Then I commend you for that," Master Yuma smiled slightly. "And I'll leave it to you, to decide how to handle this...problem. I trust you, your instincts, and your intentions."

       "Thank you," you said miserably. This support was helpful, sure—but it didn't solve the problem at hand, the one that was likely walking back to the ship now, hating your guts.

Anakin lay amidst the mosses and leaves, staring up at the gaps in the tree canopy. He knew this was called crown shyness—when trees wouldn't ever touch the trees growing next to them, giving them space, leaving these small gaps for sunlight to get through. These trees were like you, he thought bitterly. Always leaving just the smallest gap, never allowing him to get too close to you. The trees must have some scientific reason for growing like this, he thought. But what was your reasoning?

       Anakin's anger had calmed into a dull ache, a bitter, hostile feeling that he felt attach inside of him, gripping around his organs. He didn't understand. As much as he thought through it, he couldn't make sense of your behavior. You had let Henry declare himself—you had let Henry tell you how much he admired you, how much he wanted to kiss you. Granted, you had jumped off a building after Henry's declaration, but still. Surely you had read Henry's emotional intentions as clearly as you had read Anakin's. Why had Henry been allowed to declare feelings for you aloud? Why hadn't you stopped him, the way you had stopped Anakin? Could you really believe he was trying to trick you—could you really think this was all about him being competitive?

       Sure, Anakin had played into the competition that had grown between the two of you over the years. He'd found it fun, and comical, and also inevitable—the two of you were the best in your rank, and of course you wanted to beat each other, both having such competitive natures to begin with. But how could you think Anakin would put that over his friendship with you—his love?

       Certainly, you were able to read Anakin's emotions well enough to know that his intentions had nothing to do with competition. So why would you say that you thought they did? What did you wish to gain, or avoid?

       "Will you tell me what's wrong? Or are you planning to stew in your anger a bit longer?" Anakin turned his head in the direction of his Master's sarcastic voice, seeing Obi-Wan standing amongst the trees. Anakin pushed himself up on his arms.

       "Stew, I think," Anakin responded moodily, standing up and brushing some of the dried moss off his tunic.

       "Either way," Obi-Wan said shortly, crossing his arms and legs, standing in a casual position. "We're needed back at the ship. We plan to pay Count Dooku a visit."

       Anakin started to walk back in the direction of the ship, slightly reluctantly, and Obi-Wan followed. "Y/N told us of your discovery," Obi-Wan said, watching his Padawan, "but we have no knowledge of anyone called Tyrannus. Interesting, indeed." Anakin said nothing, looking angrily at his feet as he stomped through the twigs and moss back in the ship's direction.

       "What happened?" Obi-Wan asked, his voice kinder, ignoring Anakin's request to stew in his emotions.

       "Nothing," Anakin said grumpily.

       "Anakin, allowing your anger to fester is dangerous," Obi-Wan said, carefully, his voice even. "You mustn't allow it to grow inside of you, like this. You will lose control over it."

       "I have plenty of control over my emotions," Anakin responded tersely. "It's Y/N you should be lecturing."

       "Ah," Obi-Wan let out, looking at his Padawan as they walked. "Why do you say that?"        "Because she's infuriating," Anakin said angrily, kicking a stick as he walked.

       "I find her to be very pleasant company," Obi-Wan said, a small smile crossing his face. Anakin knew his Master was baiting him, trying to get him to divulge what had happened between the two of you, but he wasn't going to give in.

       "Well, then, she should have been your Padawan. Instead of me," Anakin said crossly.

       "Anakin," Obi-Wan said, putting his arm on his Padawan's shoulder.

       "I said I don't want to talk about it, okay?" Anakin shrugged Obi-Wan off and stalked ahead of him, leaving his Master to follow behind.

"And, as quickly as we vanished," Master Yuma said, pulling the ship out of hyperspace, "we reappear." You gazed out of the viewport. The view over Serenno was the same as the last time you'd seen it, but the feeling inside of the ship couldn't be more different. You sat across from Anakin, who had refused to say a word to you since he'd returned to the ship with Obi-Wan. You looked back at him, but he refused to even look at you. You saw his pouting face turned to the side, his jaw set in bitterness. You felt this anger surrounding his Force presence, but underneath it, you felt that he was still dwelling on your conversation, trying to make sense of it. You couldn't help yourself. You dove deeper into his presence, feeling his hurt with him, feeling his confusion. It hurt you, too, to think over these things. But you had done what you'd needed to do. You and Anakin couldn't let your relationship change. You couldn't violate the code. You'd be forced to leave the Jedi Order. You needed to be strong, for him as much as for yourself.

       Anakin set his mouth into a firmer pout, putting his head into his hands, and you felt his thoughts turn to you, in this very moment, his anger lashing out toward you, his feelings of embarrassment and shame welling up as he communicated, very clearly, the desire for you to get out of his head. You let out the soft sound of a small inhale. Anakin had never, ever expressed that he felt intruded on, when you read his presence. He had never expressed the desire for you to stop reading him, with or without words. You looked away from him quickly, feeling tears springing behind your eyes. You closed your lids, and breathed deeply, but it was no use. You couldn't stop feeling Anakin's emotional impressions any more than you could stop hearing the whirring of the ship, any more than you could stop feeling the flight seat beneath you. It wasn't a sense you could turn off. You felt remorseful. You felt trapped. You drew your Force presence even deeper into yourself.

       "That landing hangar, there," you heard Master Obi-Wan say to Master Yuma through the open door to the cockpit. You felt the ship touch down and opened your eyes, but Anakin was already standing up, turning his back to you, waiting at the ship's ramp.

       "We've sent a transmission," Master Obi-Wan said, approaching the ramp with Master Yuma. "Count Dooku knows we have arrived to speak with him about the attacks on the senate."

       "Why all the secrecy earlier," Anakin asked harshly, anger still permeating his tone, "if we were just going to state our intentions so clearly?"

       "It's best to gather information from many sources," Master Obi-Wan said sagely. You tried to focus on the mission at hand, but you found your thoughts dwelling on Anakin, a despair you couldn't control seeping into every part of your mind. You didn't know whether this despair was your own, or if it was coming from Anakin, if it was even real. Your head was beginning to feel foggy. You and Anakin followed your Masters off the ship and out of the port, walking up the high street toward the capitol building, where your meeting with Count Dooku would take place. You watched your feet move beneath you, the cobblestones of the street moving past in a blur of the sunlight. Fully visible in your Jedi robes, you felt the presences around you taking in the sight of you and your fellows, felt the whispers moving past your senses, but you couldn't focus on any individual strand, any one presence. I must still be tired, you thought, trying to shake the brain fog out of you, but it was getting worse.

       You looked upward toward the capitol building, cylindrical like all of the buildings on Serenno, but larger, grander in scale and beauty. You felt as if the air you were breathing in wasn't moving to your organs, like you were walking through thick sand.

       "Something's wrong," you said, struggling to move your legs upward toward the capitol building. You heard the whispering presences through the Force grow louder around you, a cacophony of different emotions calling out to you.

       "What?" Master Yuma turned back to you, and you saw her as if through a veil, felt her move toward you as if in slow motion. The fog descended around you. You saw Master Obi-Wan start to turn around, saw Anakin ignoring you, walking forward.

       "Something..." you tried to say, but your legs started to feel weak underneath you. You closed your eyes, breathing deeply, trying to ground yourself in the Force. You felt outward, feeling the end of the root out in front of you, the root moving toward the base of the tremor, in the direction of the capitol building. You felt a presence acknowledge you, as if in fear.

       "He...he knows I'm here," you said, your eyes still closed, trying to remain conscious. "But how—?"

       "Y/N, what is it?" Master Obi-Wan asked urgently, grabbing onto your arm.

       "It's happening again," you heard Master Yuma's terrified voice say to Master Obi-Wan.

       "How does he know who I am?" you asked, your eyes dancing under their lids as you used your other senses to reach out to this presence. It did not feel the same as the black hole of a presence you'd felt on Hoth; still, there was something similar, a hint of darkness. If that presence had been a frozen sea, this one might be an ice cube. There was something nefarious in the Force, a disturbance that was taking all of your senses hostage.

       "Y/N, you're scaring me," you heard Master Yuma say, as if from a distance. "Y/N, please, what is it? What's going on?" You worked the air in and out of your lungs, opening your eyes, taking in the blurry forms of Master Yuma and Master Obi-Wan.

       "He's leaving," you whispered, feeling the presence turn, as if it were striding through a door, and slamming it shut.

       "Who is leaving?" Master Yuma asked, watching your face. Behind your Masters, you saw a small ship taking off into the sky, as if from a hidden hangar in the capitol building.

       "Count Dooku," you said, blinking, seeing your Masters more clearly. You saw Anakin standing at a distance, glancing up at you and then averting his eyes back to the ground, his face screwed up in a pout. You could tell he was listening closely.

       "How do you—?" Master Obi-Wan began, but you shook your head.

       "I'm not crazy," you pleaded, looking at both of your Masters.

       "No one said you were," Master Yuma said, looking frantically back and forth between you and Obi-Wan. The brain fog was overwhelming you again.

       "Y/N, you don't look so good," Master Obi-Wan observed. "Master Yuma will take you back to the ship. Anakin and I will check on Dooku's status." You nodded, turning to look at Anakin, who was still staring at the ground. Could he really cling to his anger, even now? Would he really refuse to look at you?

       Master Yuma wrapped a firm arm around you and started to walk you back in the direction from which you'd come. You were shaking. You didn't know why, but you didn't want to leave Anakin's side. You turned your head back, looking to Anakin, pushing out with the Force. You reached out with your hurt, pleading with him just to look in your direction. Ani. You saw him grit his teeth firmly, and turn to walk the other way, refusing to even glance back at you.

You sat in your quarters, the sparse Padawan room feeling like a breath of fresh air after so long without sleep, and so long not being back at the Temple. You'd just awoken from a much needed nap. Here, surrounded by the safety of these walls, it was hard to remember the horrible nefarious buzzing feeling you'd felt on Serenno. Still, you tried to think back over that experience, tried to piece through what you'd felt. Thankfully, you'd been able to reunite with Jarin and his brother, escorting them safely off-world. They had recounted for Master Obi-Wan and Master Yuma what they had told you of the person called Tyrannus. You had been correct about Count Dooku; he had left shortly after his notice of your arrival. Master Obi-Wan and Master Yuma had agreed that this was suspicious, but they refused to jump to any conclusions. You had talked it over with your Master, and though you had no way of knowing this, you felt in your gut that Count Dooku had known of you, had recognized your presence. There was no explanation for this—why Count Dooku would know you, a lowly Padawan, made no sense.

    ��  Could the presence you had felt on Hoth those years ago have been Count Dooku's presence? Something in you didn't think so. But why would he have fled when Jedi came to Serenno on a diplomatic mission? Why did you feel this certainty, that Count Dooku had recognized you specifically? Why couldn't you shake the suspicion that you had been the reason Count Dooku had fled?

       You felt her presence before she approached. You reached out with the Force, letting your Master know it was okay to come in before she knocked.

       The door opened and Master Yuma walked through, smiling warmly at you, a stressed feeling vibrating through her Force presence.       

       "You look better," Master Yuma said, looking you over with a satisfied smile. You nodded back to her, sighing. "This last mission has given us a lot to think about, hasn't it?" Master Yuma approached your bed and sat, reaching her hand out to rub your back.

       "Too much," you agreed. "Did you tell the council of my suspicions?" Master Yuma hesitated, her hand pausing mid-rub.

       "The council...doesn't believe Count Dooku could have anything to do with the attacks on the senators," Master Yuma said carefully. You knitted your brow in frustration.

       "Why?" you asked, trying to breathe through your elevated heartbeat.

       "The council, in all of its wisdom, can at times fall into the trap of pride," Master Yuma explained. "Count Dooku was once a Jedi, trained by Master Yoda himself. They will not believe he would betray their code."

       "Hasn't he already renounced their code?" you asked, confused. The more you tried to think through it all in your head, the more your head started to hurt.

       "Y/N," Master Yuma said, soothingly, "you've been through a lot in these past few weeks. Try to put these concerns out of your mind, for now. Try to regain a sense of normalcy, of routine."

       "But—"

       "It is necessary, when one feels overwhelmed," Master Yuma said delicately, "to establish a sense of safety and regularity." You sighed.

       "There's nothing normal about any of this," you emitted, your thoughts dwelling on Count Dooku, and then shifting to Anakin. You felt your face fall into a slight pout.

       "Then we must try harder," Master Yuma said through a small smile, "to find that normalcy where we can." You felt in her pause something unsaid, and you turned to look at your Master, narrowing your eyes. Master Yuma met your gaze, and you felt the direction of her thoughts mirror your own.

       "What is it you came in here to tell me?" you asked, suspicious.

       "I have arranged sparring practice for you," Master Yuma said amiably, shrugging. "Now that you're feeling rested, a bit of practice—your normal routine—should do you some good." Your heart leapt as Master Yuma's thoughts dwelled on Anakin. You knew he wouldn't resist a good sparring match, and you knew he'd have to look at you, have to face you, speak to you again. You felt the corners of your mouth move upward, a smile gracing your face. Master Yuma looked delighted at this response.

       "Anakin will be waiting for you on the eastern balcony at sunset," Master Yuma said, getting up off your bed and winking at you. "Don't hold back."

You sat very still. You knew if you allowed yourself any movement at all, you would break down, and you wouldn't let yourself do that. Your eyes were closed. You breathed evenly. You worked, hard, to keep your emotions at bay.

       You were being silly. Anakin would come. He had been delayed, was all. And you knew that when he arrived, you wouldn't betray any negative emotions. You wouldn't give him that satisfaction. Everything would go back to the way it had been. When he came, he would find you here, meditating, like normal.

       The minutes felt excruciatingly long. You breathed rhythmically, forcing air in and out of your lungs, forcing your face to remain composed. You would not give in. He would still come.

       The minutes passed slowly, and you felt as if you were a statue beginning to crumble, sitting as you were, on this balcony, so still in your meditation pose. You felt your stone insides begin to crack. You felt the last bits of light fade from your skin. You couldn't keep yourself together any longer.

       The moment you opened your eyes, and your body fell out of its position, you felt the tears flowing freely out of you. You didn't understand. How could he not come for you? Could he really be that angry with you? Didn't he understand, that everything you were doing was meant to hold your fragile lives together? Didn't he understand that you were doing this for his career as much as you were doing it for yours?

       The pinks were fading from the Coruscanti skyline, the dark blue encroaching, and you let your emotions out, finally, kneeling as you faced the sky, weeping. How could things have gone so wrong? Anakin wasn't coming. Anakin had never before let you down, had never before failed to come for you, when you were waiting for him. The hurt of it was too much for you to bear. It felt as if you had been slashed through with a lightsaber, over and over again, the pain moving through your whole body. And you knew it was your fault.

       "Find you here, I suspected I would," you heard behind you, and you stifled a gasp, turning your head. It wasn't often that anyone was able to sneak up on you, but your despair had clouded your senses.

       "Master Yoda," you said through your tears, watching the old Jedi Master walking toward you, his cane hitting the marble of the balcony with an echoing click.

       "A disturbance in the Force, I sensed," Master Yoda said in his calm, croaky voice. "Brought about, it was, by your grief." You looked at Master Yoda with wide eyes, the tears still falling softly, as he came and kneeled beside you, mirroring your body language, facing outward.

       "Grief, Master?" you asked, trying to puzzle over the meaning of his words.

       "Grief, yes, young one," Master Yoda said, looking out at the fading color in the sky. "Careful, we must be, with our feelings." You watched Master Yoda's face, but his eyes stared outward, looking far off into the distance.

       "I—I fear my feelings stem from attachment," you spilled out, not able to keep up any pretense with this Jedi Master who made you feel as if you were once again five years old.

       "Yes," Master Yoda responded, his calm pervading the atmosphere around the two of you. "Fear of loss, attachment can bring. But," Master Yoda continued, his ears perking up as he turned to look at you, "loss itself, does not bring about anger, or hatred. Our response to our grief, is what matters." You met Master Yoda's gaze, and saw on his face a small smile. In his Force presence, you felt nothing but calm, and a slight sense of pride, as he watched you. You sensed him thinking back to you as a youngling, sensed his admiration at how you had grown. You felt this Jedi's care for you in his very being, and it calmed you in a deep way. Being in Master Yoda's presence made everything feel okay.

       "I have tried," you sighed, "to respond correctly. I have tried so hard," you said, a lone tear falling down your cheek, "to be compassionate to those around me, and to walk in the way of the light."

       "Without compassion for the self," Master Yoda responded simply, "a Jedi cannot have compassion for others."

       "Master?" you asked, confused, trying to make sense of this.

       "Do right by your own feelings, you must," Master Yoda said firmly. "It is not feeling you must fear, but your response to feeling." You let these words sink in, trying to sort out their meaning. Master Yoda sighed. "True to your own feelings, you must be," Master Yoda said plainly, "if you wish to show compassion to others." You inhaled sharply. How could Master Yoda know--?

       "Old, I am," Master Yoda said, standing slowly, using his cane for support. "Time for me to sleep, it is." Master Yoda smiled at you, a twinkle in his eye, before turning and exiting the balcony, leaving you alone with your thoughts.

************************************************************************

WOW y'all I can't believe we've made it but the ATTACK OF THE CLONES ARC STARTS IN THE NEXT CHAPTER AHH

AND IT'S UP NOW BITCHES!!! Chapter 17 clicky click

divider credit to @racingairplanes

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[bigassheart]

I’ve seen a couple posts about how everyone was wildly out of character and totally inconsistent this season and I’m just like... were you guys paying attention? 

1. Luther

Arguably the biggest shift in character between the two seasons, but it makes sense. Luther spent a year fending for himself and thinking his entire family was dead. 

This is the first time in his life that he had to hold down a job and actually live on his own. It was literally his first time living out in the world among anyone other than his family, and you can see in his reactions with the other characters from that life (the boss, his landlord, those kids that idolize him, and the waitress) that it has really mellowed him out. It has allowed him to be more normal, despite being very much not normal. You can see the way he’s so much more comfortable in his skin. Literally the only times he looks uncomfortable is when he’s fighting people, shirt off and body on full display. He’s still not comfortable with that, but he’s not trying to hide under huge overcoats anymore. He has people in his life who accept him for being a little weird, but really do treat him normal. 

So is he a little less uptight and mission focused? Yeah. Because he can finally see another life, and it’s the life that he honestly did want in season 1 but felt like he couldn’t have because he was number 1 and he had a responsibility to his dad, his family, and the academy to be the leader. Having a year on his own frees him of all that. 

But he also spent all that time thinking his family was dead and feeling so guilty about it. You can see in his very first interaction with Vanya, where he suddenly feels that responsibility again. He brings a gun, not knowing what’s going to happen and, despite what he told Five, he absolutely does still have that lingering feeling of responsibility. But then he sees Vanya and she’s not a threat and everything he has been holding in for the last year comes out. Because he does feel guilty as hell for what he did to Vanya, but also for the fact that his actions pushed her into causing the apocalypse. He spent a year with the knowledge that he did that and thinking that his family was dead because of his actions. 

He’s willing to listen now because he spent a year living in a world where his actions killed his whole family. And now he finds out that that didn’t happen and he has a second chance. Of course he’s going to take it! 

2. Diego

In the first season, Diego finally admitted that he wanted to be close to his family and that he cared about them and wouldn’t leave them again. He confronted the guilt about leaving, which he had previously denied. He realized the difference between revenge and honoring someone’s memory. But despite all that, he never confronted the reason why he, a grown-ass-man, wandered around the city as a leather clad, mask wearing vigilante. 

So when we see Diego show up in 1963, that’s still who he is. He wants to be that hero and he finds an answer for how to be that hero in the first several minutes that he’s there. So he takes it. I mean, what else is he going to do? His family is gone. Maybe they’ll show up again. Maybe this is it. Either way, he’s on his own like he was before, so he’s got a duty to be the hero he has chosen to be. 

And then he meets his dad again. Everyone keeps telling him he has daddy issues, and they’re right. He absolutely has daddy issues. He’s still trying to simultaneously prove that he’s good enough for his dad, but also doesn’t need Daddy’s approval. Except he does need it. He still desperately craves it and he feels gutted when his dad denies him that approval, even falling back into the stutter he had as a kid. 

Now, despite the way we joke, Diego is not dumb. He is so observant and he makes some of the most poignant statements about his siblings and the way they see the world. He sees the people around them and he understands them, but he has never been able to completely turn that gift inwards and see those same things in himself. In this season, Lila breaks through all that and he finally sees himself in her at the end. 

“Do you know how hard it is to trust people when your whole childhood was bullshit manipulation? Then why would you do that to me?”  

Diego sees himself in Lila, in her failure to break away from her mother despite the fact that he knows she wants to. In the final episode, he sees that she is just like the rest of the siblings, but she doesn’t have to be. None of them have to be stuck with their daddy issues, because they have each other. They can support and care for each other. It’s the last step of the growth he started in season 1, moving beyond his tendency to define his life and his family through their father. 

3. Allison

Throughout season 1, Allison struggled with whether or not to use her powers, but it was all centered around getting back to her daughter. When she appears in 1961, that motivation is effectively removed. She thinks everyone else is dead. She thinks that she is stranded in the past and that she will never get back. She finds a group of people to support her and before long... she finds her voice again. 

It’s no coincidence that Allison’s first spoken words in the series come right after she gives Ray that pamphlet with a bunch of added notes. She finds her voice in the civil rights movement. She finds her power there. She finds a way to help change the world, to change reality, and she does it without her powers. 

This is something she struggled with through the entirety of season 1, feeling inadequate for using her powers to get what she wanted, not knowing if anything was real or earned. Now she has the chance to earn everything without those powers and she is thriving. 

And then she is forced to use her powers again. It all turns out fine, but now she’s showing off and experiencing all over again how good it feels to have power. She spent two years in a world where she was denied equal treatment, where she could be arrested and assaulted for any reason those with more power came up with. And now she feels that power... She doesn’t have to wait for people to give her respect. She can demand it. But the pain is still there, and it’s not enough to just be respected, because these people have hurt her. They almost killed her husband. They have used their power to cause pain to her and all those who look like her time and time again and now it’s time to understand what it’s like to be powerless, to be hurt and to be unable to stop it and... 

And it’s scary. It’s scary to have that much power, to see how you could become the kind of person who uses your power to hurt others. And she knows that her power has hurt people she loves and suddenly she’s right back where she started. 

Only not entirely. 

She doesn’t shy away from her powers in the final fight. She is obviously still finding that balance and I would expect this struggle to continue for her in future seasons. Power can be addicting and Allison’s power is so strong. She knows the danger there, but she also knows that sometimes it’s needed despite the danger. 

4. Klaus

Klaus is an addict. He finds obsessions to bury himself in to avoid dealing with reality. In season 1, he buried himself in drugs and booze. When he shows up in the 60′s, he finds a new drug to bury himself in: adoration. 

Klaus is so impulsive and it’s not difficult to connect the dots of how one thing leads to another until suddenly everything is out of his control. Honestly, that’s the story of Klaus’s life, no matter where he goes. And then something changes. He gets tired of his cult and leaves. Except... that’s not really the reason. 

After all this time, Dave is still the love of his life, and he knows he has an opportunity. He knows where Dave will be at this one time and he knows exactly what he has to change to keep Dave alive. 

He also knows that Ben is going to have thoughts about this. 

I know some people were disappointed that there wasn’t more Klaus and Ben bonding this season, but it makes sense that there is tension there. I think a lot of that tension comes from Ben’s circumstances, which I’ll discuss later, but Klaus is also not responding to that tension well. 

They are fighting more than ever (not that they ever didn’t fight in season 1, where they spent much of their time being snarky to each other and Ben literally punching Klaus in the face for being an asshole), but the fighting is about something new this season. Ben wants his own life and Klaus is not in a position to give Ben what he really wants. We also learn that he has been carrying around this guilt for the last 17 years about forcing Ben to stick around as a ghost. He forced this half-life on his brother and now that it’s not enough for Ben, Klaus doesn’t want to deal with it. So he avoids and deflects and snarks and we see the toll on their relationship. We see it in the way he tries to deal with his plans around Dave entirely on his own. He focuses so much into that last ditch effort. He’s already in such a low place before this, so when that fails, we see him snap. We see him give up and crumble. And Ben falls back to his old role, trying to save Klaus from himself. 

But the tension isn’t gone and Klaus’s guilt isn’t gone. We see it again when Klaus finally agrees to let Ben possess him. Klaus has always been afraid of his powers and being possessed is just as terrifying a thought as being surrounded by the dead. And yet he gives Ben that chance. It’s the last good thing he can do at that point. 

I do wish we had gotten more closure for Klaus and Ben’s story. I think Vanya’s reveal could have been given a little more time, but that’s not really a problem with inconsistent characterization, so we’ll save that for another post. 

5. Five

OK, who would argue that Five was out of character or inconsistent? He’s obsessed with stopping the apocalypse, is willing to cross a lot of lines to save his family, and constantly frustrated by his family’s failure to go along with his plans. This is textbook Five. 

What I loved about this season was that we got to see Five finally meeting his father again. They interact as two adults, not as a child trying to find away to become his own person, frustrated by a lack of trust from his father. It allows Reggie to see Five in a different light and to actually provide advice in a constructive way, something he has almost never been able to do when viewing them as his children. But despite outward appearances and despite the fact that Five is a grown man, he still sees his father the same way he always has. He doesn’t register Reggie’s advice as advice. He hears that he’s striving beyond his abilities and that maybe he can only travel in seconds. He hears his father telling him he can’t handle time travel. That’s why he doesn’t try to actually take the very good advice until the very end.  

An old dog can still occasionally learn a new trick and Five proves that true. 

6. Ben

As I mentioned earlier, Ben is chaffing at his ghosthood. Maybe it’s because Klaus has been sober enough to keep Ben around solidly for 3 years. Maybe it’s because Ben is no longer spending all his time trying to keep Klaus alive and sober. Or maybe it’s the fact that he has finally found someone that he actually wants to spend time with. Whatever the reason, Ben wants to be alive this season. 

Again, as I mentioned, that’s causing some tension. Ben doesn’t want to be tied to Klaus, but Klaus is ignoring that because he feels so guilty about it. Ben doesn’t want to admit that he was too scared to go into the light on his own, so they’re at a bit of a standstill. 

And then Ben gets the opportunity to be alive again, if only for a while. And in a lot of ways, it’s wonderful! But it’s not the same as being truly alive. 

So when the time comes, when he’s faced with that light again... he’s not afraid. He knows that it’s time to move on. He knows this isn’t where he should be, but he also got the chance to be there for his family. He misses them, but he got to talk to Diego and Vanya. He got to save Vanya. He got to save Allison and Diego and Klaus and Luther and Five and the whole world! So while he would have stayed, he’s not sad about leaving anymore, and he’s not afraid. 

7. Vanya

OK, she was a little out of character because... you know. She had amnesia. 

But aside from erasing her past, the amnesia allowed us to see Vanya without the anger and resentment that plagued her for all of season one. Vanya was always someone who was kind and loving, someone who cares enough to leave peanut butter and marshmallow sandwiches out for a missing brother for years. Someone who knows the pain of not being seen and who will always take the time to truly see other people. She’s someone who wants to love and to be loved and to protect those she loves. 

That was all here, with or without the memories. And as soon as the memories came back, so did the guilt and fear about what she had done, what she had become, terrified of what was inside her in a way that she was not when her powers first surfaced. But Ben is used to being afraid of what’s inside of him. He knows she’s not a monster and is the perfect person to explain that to her. And this time around, she has experienced the love and care and attention of her siblings (and Sissy) to back up those words. That’s how she finally accepts them as truth, how she finally accepts her power as a part of her. 

Overall, there are things that I wish this season spent more time with, but there was nothing that I felt was out of character or wildly inconsistent. The characters still struggled with all the baggage from their shitty childhood, their fear of their powers, and the guilt in their past. Some struggled in new ways this season and some continued old struggles that had never fully been resolved. The season felt very different than the first, but it still felt like the Umbrella Academy. It was a good mix of new and old and a good mix of feel-good moments we have all been waiting for and frustrating and sad moments that just come with having a complicated family. I loved this season. And now, I’m going to go re-watch every episode. 

[toru-oikawas-milkbread]

What it’s Like to Kiss Tetsurō Kuroo

Notes: If you would like to see my other kissing headcanons posts, follow {this link} to my masterlist page 💕

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- Kuroo is ranked #2 on the best kisser scale. He got the hang of things so fast even though you were his first girlfriend; the first few kisses shared between the two of you, he let you take more of the lead so he could get the hang of things, though nowadays he’s usually the lead when it comes to make out sessions especially. Kuroo is the kind of guy that you could kiss and then kiss again and again, and the best part is that he would let you kiss him again and again

- He has very soft lips. Kuroo doesn’t do much to soften them; they’re just sort of naturally soft. His lips are pretty thin, though his bottom lip has a bit more to it than his top does. He never has needed plump lips to leave you breathless though

- Whenever Kuroo’s lips are chapping, he just gives them a quick lick. He’ll use chapstick on the occasion, but he doesn’t use it often; because his lips are naturally just soft, the days where they’re a little bit worse for wear, he just ignores it because he knows that it’ll be fine. Regardless, whenever his lips are a bit chapped, it doesn’t bother him much and it certainly doesn’t affect how good of a kisser he is

- Kuroo has a very nice, sort of musky scent. It’s very prominent and it seems to take over your senses when you get close to him. Even though he goes very light with a small spritz, it’s still a very strong cologne that makes your brain go foggy when you’re kissing him

- In contrast to his scent, Kuroo doesn’t have much of a taste. His kisses, while amazing and sweet, has very little taste. It’s indescribable in a way that he doesn’t even quite taste like the nothingness of water. Despite his lack of taste when he kisses you, there’s something lingering there that pulls you closer every time you pull back, maybe to try and figure out what exactly it is

- Kuroo loves kissing. He could kiss you once, then lean back in for another one immediately afterwards, whether it’s a short peck or a long kiss. Kuroo’s kisses are so passionate leaving you lightheaded in such an amazing way. His lips against your own is such a nice feeling that makes you want to kiss him forever

- He smiles a lot into the kisses; small little smirks are expected whenever you moan, unless he’s particularly deep into the kiss. He has a tendency to get so into the kiss, and when he gets that way his eyebrows will furrow inwards a little bit because of how focused he is on not letting the heated kiss get sloppy. Occasionally Kuroo will give soft little moans and soft hums into the kiss; whenever you whimper into the kiss he’ll smile a bit and teasingly nibble on your lip

- His kisses are usually very deep and passionate; there’s never any doubt in mind that he puts his everything into the kiss; sometimes when he can’t think of the proper ways to tell you just how much he loves you, he lets the kiss do the talking; even if the kiss is gentle and soft, there’s a lingering force of how much he loves you in his passion for you that’s always very prominent

- This man would be thoroughly embarrassed if someone were to walk in on the two of you kissing/making out, especially if you were really getting into it. He most likely would be a bit worried that they might come back in, so it has a strong chance of ruining the kiss for him; however, when he has ulterior motives in mind, there’s not much that could embarrass him enough that he wouldn’t want to keep kissing you

- Kuroo’s favorite thing to do while he’s kissing you is tease you: soft lip bites to sucking on your bottom lip, sliding his hand beneath your shirt, running his hands through your hair and giving it a little tug, kissing and sucking along your neck, pushing his tongue into your mouth, etc., anything he can do to make you flustered, he’d do it

[datawyrms]

snap

It is The Day I post my Invisobang fic! it was a wild ride to write everything and not post. This is actually the second fic I did, as the first fell into my pit of ‘i hate it now’ and will sit in limbo for the rest of eternity. I teamed up with Spirit ( @ghostportals ), who has done some accompanying art! That, and Red @redead-red saved my bacon by doing some betaing last moment, so tell em they’re great too. Hope you’re all enjoying the flood of finished fics and art this week! Only the first chapter is here, the rest is posted on my Ao3 and complete. hope you enjoy!

One careless fall changed Danny's life forever. He was kind of hoping one fall like that was enough for any lifetime. Clearly fate disagreed.

It's fine though! He's got this. He's fine. He can totally explain why he ran off with his own body to mom and dad.

The stairs had always been a little too steep, a titch too narrow, but he was used to them. Jazz worried too much- the whole Fenton family knew how to take them two steps at a time. He wasn’t going to admit she might have a point just because he’d slipped one time. He wished there was a railing to catch himself with- it would have spared him some of the pain of his head knocking on the stair.

It didn’t hurt that much. Plenty of ghosts hit harder, and far more frequently.

“Took a bit of a spill eh, Danno?”

Great, dad saw him slip like he was three again. He wanted to speak, wave his behemoth of a father off before he got tangled up in some long lecture about whatever they were working on down here. Just had to sit up.

He was a little stunned or something. All those late nights made his limbs rebel when he wanted them to hurry up. Come on, before he tries to help and accidentally shaves his hair off with some anti-ghost stepladder or something.

His arms stubbornly rejected his internal horror story. His attempt to say ‘I’m fine’ was more a gurgle than anything. Way to go, Fenton. Do everything to get dad to worry! Really using those genius genes. Jazz probably stole his anyway, or they got fried in the accident. Come on! A bit of self berating should have him sitting bolt upright by now. Maybe his arm twitched. He felt something move, anyway. More like a muscle spasm.

“Danny? You okay?” The large man came closer, his usual jog slowed.

Of course he’s fine. He could see dad, sort of. He totally moved his eyes to see him better, even. Stupid ghost powers were just acting up.  It’s okay,  just give me a second to stand up. You’re worrying over nothing.

 Jack had already made it over, crouching to get a better look at his fallen son. Like he was trying to look smaller or something with how carefully he was moving. Where was all that slow, ginger movement when he was driving? Or trying to tell them about some new invention that might burn off your eyebrows?

 I’m fine, dad. He couldn’t get the words to come out, but he was just fine. He really didn’t like the strange look on his father’s face. After all, ‘Jack Fenton doesn’t know the meaning of the word fear’ or whatever random thing he felt like shouting when chasing after entities from another dimension. Come on dad, stop looking like that. It was creeping him out. Moving should be easy, a snap, but part of him didn’t feel like doing it. Apparently an important part? He could visualize exactly what to do, but he wasn’t sitting up. He swore he could feel his muscles clenching but not finishing the movement. Maybe they were testing something down here that just made all the ectoplasm hiding inside him take a nap. His ectoplasm was so fired after this.

 “Can you look at me kiddo?”

 Coaxing him. This was weird. Why wasn’t he just hauling him off the floor and laughing about how clumsy he was at his age too? Looking at him was easy. Pretty hard to miss him, with all the bright orange.

 “Maddie? Can you come over here?” His question was strangely stilted, not much of a bellow.

 Dad was going to get the wrong idea because his body didn’t want to cooperate. Great. Fantastic. He could feel the warmth in his chest, the sign his heart was still going. He was just fine, just a bit inconvenienced at the moment. Why couldn’t dad just be  dad  and do something dumb like pick him up with one hand while sounding way too excited about some new tool that he built?

 “What’s wrong?” His mom said, her footsteps doing the same thing dad’s had. Speed that suddenly cut down to almost nothing. “Danny, did you hit your head?”

 “I think he might have, he’s not responding. I didn’t want to try to move him-“

 “You did great Jack, it’s okay.”

 Gross. He hoped they didn’t get caught up in one of their lovey dovey circles while he was stuck trying to get his stupid legs to remember how to do things. He was responding! He groaned, and he definitely twitched a bit. Weren’t they paying attention? He tried again, a bit more forcefully and ignoring the pang in his neck. More of a jolt from someone with too much static cling than actual pain, really.

 “Should I call 911? He isn’t moving! He just stayed there- didn’t even act all tough for his old man!”

 Jack was panicking.  Dad was panicking. Over nothing! Why wasn’t mom distracting him with fudge or some random study? No one was being normal today. Danny shuddered, he knew he did, it went with the pulse under his skin.

 “That’d be great sweetie, just stay close.”

 “In case you need my big strong arms to help carry him, right?”

 “Just in case.” She wasn’t wearing the hood of her jumpsuit, at least.

 It didn’t make it more comfortable when she crouched down, biting her lip and staring at him. Like this was concerning. It was the opposite of that, he was a klutz, a gangly teenager, it was normal for him to be a bit banged up. This shouldn’t concern her, or anyone. The only reason it bugged him was the not being able to move right now nonsense.

 “You aware in there sweetie?” she said, rather loudly and clapping near his ear.

  Yes I am, but I can’t tell you. Maybe he could focus on taking a breath and it would kick off whatever turned off his mind to body connection. Had he done anything strange before coming down here? Not really. He could absolutely feel her digging her nails into his earlobe though, ow! More motivation to move, but something wasn’t getting across. Maybe he was getting a bit freaked out about it too. Only because of his parents being weird. He was fine, he had to be fine. It was nothing, less than nothing.

 “I’m just going to make sure he’s still breathing Jack, do you have anyone on the line yet?”

 A loud response, but not to her question. “No it’s not a ghost emergency! It’s a human emergency!”

 Of course he was breathing. He couldn’t look that bad from such a small fall. Just breathe out the words ‘Hey mom, personal space’ and they’d laugh and it’d be nothing. All this fussing was making his skin crawl but of course he had to have ‘special ghost freezing up’. Was it his ice powers? Like he could get his powers being snarky like that, appreciated it in a twisted sort of way- but it would be better around people who wouldn’t assume the worst? Like anyone else. Even Dash.

 “Tell the operator he isn’t breathing.” Maddie’s voice was cold and controlled, even as she went back to biting her lip right after.

 He was totally breathing. He could feel the air that ran in and out of his lungs, the swell and fall that other ghosts knew as a weak point, a way to slow him down. He knew what being doubled over, air shoved right out of him from a harsh blow felt like, how it felt like the portal again. Throat twitching, body heaving and trying to regain what it lost. The darkness that bit at the edges of his vision as every nerve went screaming  You’re Dying . Hated that feeling, shook the ghosts who did that hard once they were in a thermos. This was nothing like that.

 “He isn’t breathing, you need to hurry! My wife knows CPR- just tell them to hurry this is my  son , please”

 Yelling to hide the quaver in his voice. Like a kicked puppy yelping. It sounded so wrong. This was going to be so awkward after. They’d just...pretend this never happened, right? That’d be for the best. No, he was going to get grounded forever for some ‘dumb prank’, since he was fine and worried them so much. Which didn’t seem too bad if it stopped all of...this.

 He moved a little. A toe, he was pretty sure. More notably was his mother, carefully getting him off the uneven stair to be flat on his back. Trying to keep his head from moving, and she couldn’t see he was looking at her? When she was this close? Too busy trying to be calm. Who could be busy enough to think he wasn’t breathing or tracking with his eyes? Another twitch, another inward curse that he couldn’t get back in control.

 “Just hold on, help is coming.” She said, but the half ghost couldn’t tell who she meant, exactly. Him, dad or herself? Either way the quiet remark did not prepare him for the sheer force slammed into his crest. Like she wanted to slam right through him! Was it so much to ask that his parents stop nearly killing him by trying to help? Just try moving again and everything will be fine.

 He couldn’t keep the mental mantra up when he heard- when he felt his ribs crack from the pointless force. She was killing him, he didn’t need help breathing, he had to get it through to them no matter how much his body buzzed and resisted his need to move. He had to focus and push through it, ignoring how cold and wrong it felt, how it seemed like he was squirming free of something that didn’t want him to go.

 Her bone crushing assault stopped once he got his arm up, not even needing to touch her before she froze. The fear was wrong, out of place so he redoubled his efforts, twisting and struggling against himself, the sticky mass that wasn’t letting him act or speak to calm them down.

 The phone hit the floor. He heard it. So why didn’t dad say anything? Danny twisted, wanting to make sure he was okay. Still stuck. At least he had a hand free and most of an arm, the edges of his fingers tracing the tiles of the floor. He could brace himself that way, pushing down hard to try and jar his shoulder loose. He could hear air moving, like a harsh breath out. Good- breathing was good. Even when it sounded so harsh and low. 

 “Jack- are you seeing what I’m seeing?” Maddie moved back, giving him the space he wanted ever since she’d cracked his ribs. They still stung under his skin, hissing at him to keep his parents away before he managed to get even more injuries over something so silly.

 “I’m not sure what we’re seeing.” The phone remained on the floor.

 That didn’t seem right. He’d sat up, mostly. Half sat up, propped up with an arm. Still mostly stuck and uncomfortable, the snapping and crackling sensation still clinging to his free shoulder. Really, he felt worse than how he started. at least there wasn’t pain in ‘hah my body is playing freeze tag without me’ land. The pulling sensation made his head ache and vision swim to the point he wasn’t actually sure if he was still looking at the ceiling or not. He couldn’t go back to just being frozen though, that’d suck. So just convince the rest of himself to get up. No problem!

Were lies in his head always this unconvincing? It felt like yanking himself free of a too sticky slime, strands clinging and tugging back until they finally snapped, parts still stuck but free of the main mass. At least ectoplasm had the decency not to stretch when you got drenched in it most of the time.  Come on, focus and keep it together.  He let out a wheeze as the last stubborn strands snapped, ignoring how loud it sounded to properly reorient himself.

 Sitting up, properly, good! Parents staring with weird, half horrified expressions: bad. Very, very bad. 

“I’m okay, I just fell.” Danny spoke, he could speak properly again. So why? “Sorry for scaring you guys?” He tried again, trying to ignore the first thought across his mind.

 They kept staring. Maddie seemed to be recovering, shoulders starting to relax, but she seemed to be reaching for her belt.

 He didn’t sound right. No, that wasn’t quite right, he just sounded wrong for Danny  Fenton. Who he should be right now, he hadn’t been able to talk, let alone go ghost. This probably looked really, really bad. How had he switched, anyway?

Mom was reaching for a gun, wasn’t she? Crud. Now he regretted talking at all, how was he going to explain why Danny Phantom was treating two ghost hunters like his parents? Or how he managed to look like their kid. Maybe he could change back and convince them they were seeing things?

Yeah no, that was way too dumb.

 “Wait.” Jack rested a hand on his wife’s shoulder, causing her to stop pulling the weapon. He wasn’t looking at the ghost at all, just her. Maddie remained stiff, not able to ignore the glowing kid on her floor.

 Okay...dad was usually the gung ho one. Maybe he could get away with this? Danny tried to get a better grip on the situation. Felt a new pain, sharp and cold in his throat. Deep green scars clashed against his white gloves and ran all across his jumpsuit,  glow intensifying as the panic choked him into silence. Fresh and angry like back- back before he managed to stumble out of the portal when he died when the accident happened.

With his human arms just as scared below them, still against the tile. The damage looked old, half scabbed over with only a dull glow deep in the death marks wounds. His arms attached to the rest of his body- that he was half out of. 

 Why? How was his body still and silent while he was sitting and looking at it. He’s cold. His body is cold. It isn’t  breathing  there isn’t some other facet of his personality sitting behind the dull blue eyes. This isn’t how it works! If he splits, it’s just temporary, he can fix it but his other half- corpse is wrong.

The pulling and clinging at his legs doesn’t feel like slime anymore. Rotting flesh that wants to drag him back, smother him in a cloying warmth that will only remind him why it burned, how it hurt. He had to move, he couldn’t stay half like this, it would get better once it wasn’t like this.

It didn’t want to let go as he tried to pull away, ectoplasm getting snagged on every nerve and muscle fiber, each pause a reminder of the shock and pain of his end that day.

He knew he screamed when he pulled free and slammed into the wall, furious green scars still marring his jumpsuit where there should be none.

 What would Mom and Dad think?

 No no no no no. He spotted movement from them and acted. He couldn’t let his mom break his body more, or look at it too closely. Dad couldn’t see what happened! This was fine, he could fix this!

 He grabbed his corpse and fled through the wall.