#it's unsaid but literally all of them are in therapy

[violetsteve]

If you prefer, this is also posted on AO3

After the almost end of the world, Steve decides he’s going to put the moves on Eddie Munson.

Robin may or may not laugh in his face when he announces it.

The thing is, despite Robin almost laughing him out of the building, the thing is Steve is still figuring out his sexuality. He knows he likes girls, he’s always liked girls, but then Robin pointed out that maybe he couldn’t figure out what he wanted because he wasn’t looking in the right place and Steve realized she was right . Sure, Robin had meant more of a ‘ stop going after girls who are traditionally pretty and from well off families and try going out with girls whose company you actually enjoy’ and not a ‘ hey, dudes are kinda hot, too, right? It was real weird how transfixed you seemed to be on Eddie Munsons lips while we were actively fighting demon monsters,’ but Steve has always been good at reading in between the lines. Or, more like inserting what he wants in the gaps of what people leave unsaid.

So, no, Robin did not tell Steve to open his eyes and realize that straight guys don’t exactly think about how another guys lips will look slick with spit, how they’ll feel under the pressure of his thumb, what the sweet satisfaction of them partying so readily under his will feel like, but she did tell him to broaden his horizons and honestly, they were basically the same thing.

Which is why Steve feels like she should be more supportive of his plans to woo Eddie Munson onto his couch—and maybe, if he’s feeling ambitious, eventually into his bed.

“Robin, come on . I’m serious!” Steve will never admit, even under Russian torture again, that he whines it. He’s coming to Robin as a sounding board, not so she can make fun of him. If he wants someone to make fun of his lack of prowess, he would go talk to Dustin. 

Or, yeah on second thought no. He’s not actually sure his ego could take that much of a hit at the moment.

“Sorry, sorry,” she gasps, gripping the—newly rebuilt and polished—family video counter in front of her. “I just—Steve, that’s-that’s so ambitious . You literally just came out to me less than a week ago and you’re already talking about getting with a boy. And Eddie Munson at that.”

Steve scowls at her, crossing his arms over his chest in a way that he knows looks bitchy, but he can’t help it because—

“Don’t say his name like that. He literally almost died to save us all. He’s not fucking dirty .”

Robin immediately sobers, a guilty, but irritated look on her face. “That’s not how I meant it, Steve, and you know it. Don’t get bitchy at me just because you’re feeling sensitive about your feelings for a boy.”

And that’s the crux of it, isn’t it? Steve isn’t really angry at her for laughing—Robin makes fun of him at least 7 times a day, Steve would be more concerned if she didn’t make at least one joke about this—and he isn’t even mad at her for putting a weird emphasis on Eddie’s name. No, he’s all twisted up about his feelings and he’s never been good at expressing them, let alone talking about them. He’s feeling self conscious and his skin is prickling with embarrassment and the easiest thing to do is lash out about it.

“That’s not—“ Steve cuts himself off, looking away from Robin as his shoulders slump. “You’re right,” he mumbles. “Sorry. I just. I wanna fucking kiss him so bad , Rob, and that freaks me out a little.” Steve untucks one of his arms to scrub a hand over his face, leaving the other one tucked around his waist to protect his vulnerable bits.

“Hey,” Robin murmurs, closing the distance between them so she can settle her hands on his shoulders. “I get it. Do you think I acted like a sane person the first time I realized I wanna kiss girls? I think I cried for a week. Kerry the stuffed Koala had to go to therapy because of all of my crying. It was a serious time in the Buckley house.”

Steve smiles behind his hand. He loves her so much. She’s really his best friend. He’s so thankful for her.

“You still cry about kissing girls,” Steve says, rather than admitting any of that. She already knows she’s smart, Steve doesn’t need to add any more to her ego. It just gives her more brain to bully him with.

He drops the hand covering his face to look at her. “Only now it’s more of a,” Steve puts on a high pitched, whiny voice, “‘why do I have to go to work when I could be spending all day making out with my girlfriend.’” He brings both of his hands up to clasp in front of his chest, batting his eyelashes at her in a fake-coy way.

Robin shoves at him, catches him off guard and he goes stumbling backwards into the counter, laughing the whole way. 

“Shut up , you absolute dickhead, ” she all but screeches, reaching out to give his chest another shove for good measure. “You literally have no room to talk considering you started this shift by announcing your intentions to, quite literally, crawl into Eddie’s lap and kiss him stupid . That’s almost verbatim what you said, Steve.”

Steve’s still chuckling as he rights his position a little, leaning back against the counter more comfortably. “Yeah, I did say that.” He sucks his bottom lip in between his teeth before he continues with, “I really, really wanna sit on his lap and kiss him until he can’t focus, Rob.”

Robin rolls her eyes, but it’s more fond than annoyed. Steve can tell—he’s been on the receiving end of about 90 percent of Robin’s eye rolls, he’s getting good at distinguishing the emotions behind each one.

“I still can’t believe you have a crush on Eddie Munson of all people. He’s so weird ,” She laughs, but Steve can tell that that, too, is fond. Robin and Eddie have a weird friendship. They geek out over obscure instruments and the nuance of tacky movies together. Steve doesn’t get it, but he enjoys watching how expressive both of them can be. He once watched Eddie climb onto a table while arguing with Robin about one of their movies. Robin followed him up shortly after, though, so Steve isn’t sure why she thinks the weird is limited to Eddie.

“Yeah,” Steve sighs, and he’s man enough to admit that it sounds dreamy . God, he’s pathetic over Eddie. It scares the shit out of him. “You know, the other day he gave me a rock. It wasn’t even, like, a cool rock. It was literally just a rock. When I asked him why he just shrugged and was like ‘I dunno, it made me think of you.’”

Robin’s grin grows. “Oh my God. What did you do with the rock?”

Steve shoots her a disgruntled look. “What do you think I did with the rock? I put in my pocket and then brought it home and set it on my nightstand. Eddie gave it to me, I wasn’t just going to throw it on the ground again. That’s rude.”

Robin absolutely cackles at this, there’s no other way to describe it. She’s awash in glee as she claps her hands together a few times. “ Jesus , Steve. You’ve got it so bad for this man.”

“God,” Steve mutters, running a hand over his face again. “That’s not even the worst part, Rob. He like. He grabs his utensils with his whole fist when he eats. It’s so weird, and it’s so messy . It makes fuck all sense. He doesn't even grab a pencil that way. Just his fucking eating utensils . 

“And he walks so chaotic. He just randomly breaks into a sprint. Just starts fucking running out of nowhere. And he bounces. As if the random running wasn’t enough, he just fucking starts jumping. Sometimes he jumps at me, and it’s all I can do to actually catch him before he eats dirt. Or- or he’ll just. Spin. Just twirl in the middle of the sidewalk while still carrying on a conversation.” Steve slumps, his back getting slightly scraped against the counter as he sinks to his butt.

“The man has zero regard for personal space and he always makes way too intense of eye contact. Sometimes he’ll use one of his character voices in the middle of an otherwise totally normal conversation, and he’s always climbing on things. He’s loud and he’s weird and I wanna wrap my fingers around the collar of his shirt, shove him against a wall and then shove my tongue down his throat , jesus christ. ” Steve buries his face in his knees, his mind playing an endless loop of Eddie smiling with those stupid lips that are always cherry red and raw from his constant gnawing. Steve wants to bite them for him.

“Oh, my God, Steve.” Robing sinks down to sit across from him. “This is pathetic . I, like, knew you had a crush on Eddie but this is like. Dangerous territory. Like, the next step might be the L word level territory.”

Steve makes a small squeaking noise, his face still buried in his knees. Robin’s words hint at something that Steve is so not ready to admit to himself yet. She’s hitting way too close to something Steve has been avoiding actively and vehemently since he realized the attraction he feels for boys is decidedly not of the straight variety.

For a moment, neither of them say anything. Then, like the angel she so clearly is, Robin says, “So, wanna tell me about operation ‘crawl into Eddie’s lap and makeout with him?’”

Steve laughs, the tightness in his chest slowly easing. He lifts his head, and then spills his guts.

***

The plan starts simply. First, he needs to get Eddie alone . No annoying tagalongs to potentially interrupt.

It’s easier said than done. For two days straight, Steve asks Eddie to hang out and, somehow, one of the kids manages to weasel into their plans.

It’s driving Steve nuts.  

He casually asks Eddie to watch a movie, give him a proper education like him and Robin are always going on about, and Dustin overhears and invites himself.

He asks Eddie to go for a walk, makes an excuse about it being gorgeous outside while he plots ways for the walk to end right outside his house, isn’t that neat, but Lucas and Max overhear and suddenly it’s a group affair.

He asks Eddie to get milkshakes, plans to lure him back to his house with the promise of complete control of Steve’s record player, but El overhears and asks if she can tag along and Steve just can’t look into her big, earnest eyes and tell her no. He’s not a monster.

So they get milkshakes with El, and it’s fun . Of course it’s fun, but Steve is getting desperate . It’s been a little over a week since he hatched his mad plan with Robin and he’s about to start climbing the walls with anticipation.

It doesn’t help that Eddie has a mother fucking oral fixation. At every opportunity he’s either putting stuff in his mouth or chewing on something. It’s fucking rude, is what it is. It’s like he doesn’t even realize Steve is suffering.

It all finally comes to a head a full week and four days after his conversation with Robin on the floor of Family Video. He’s stopping by Eddie’s house to grab something Dustin left behind because Dustin asked and he’s nice . It’s maybe also because it’s a great excuse to see Eddie, but Dustin sure as shit doesn’t need to know that that’s the sole reason Steve said he will.

Eddie is slightly bent over, riffling through his Dungeons and Dorks stuff, and Steve is trying so hard to pretend like he’s not entirely focusing on his ass and the line of exposed skin above his belt. If Eddie turns around right now, he’s busted for sure.

Eddie’s just mentioned some kind of dragon when he lets out a triumphant noise, his story coming to an abrupt halt as he spins on his heel to face Steve.

“Aha!” He exclaims, thrusting a notebook in Steve's direction. 

Steve automatically reaches out to take it, his fingers brushing over the backs of Eddie’s in the switch over. Eddie bites his bottom lip at the contact, avoiding Steve’s gaze, and suddenly all Steve is thinking about is his mouth.

Steve debates with himself for a moment. This isn’t really how he planned to seduce his way into Eddie Munson’s lap, but he’s adaptable. If the years of almost apocalypses have taught Steve anything, it’s that sometimes you have to make do with what you have.

And what Steve has is an empty trailer save the two of them, and a couch less than ten feet away. He’s got the object of his affections standing in front of him, and Steve decides to adapt.

He wets his own lips, stepping towards Eddie. His hand is still holding Eddie’s hostage over the notebook.

“Thanks, Eddie,” Steve murmurs, ducking his head so he can look up through his lashes.

Steve watches Eddie’s breath catch, watches him stutter over his next sentence.

“Y-yeah,” he breathes out, his eyes flicking between Steve’s eyes and his mouth at a rapid speed. “Of c-course. I mean, it happens. Kids forget things. I’m sure Dustin just wanted to, like, go over the last session's notes for anything he missed.”

“Of course,” Steve agrees, taking another step into Eddie’s space. He’s aware that he’s primarily staring at Eddie’s lips, which is probably rude, but he can’t help it. They’re wet and shiny and Steve has been thinking about them an obsessive amount for the last week and a half.

“We’re, um, I-I mean they’re going against a red dragon,” Eddie continues. Steve’s aware of this. It’s what Eddie had been telling him when he’d found the notebook. “They’re very powerful, almost impossible to defeat.”

“Are they?” Steve’s only half following the conversation, but that’s not saying much. He has a hard time keeping up with the DnD talk on a regular day.

“Oh yeah,” Eddie says, and then he’s off. He starts spitting words so fast Steve wouldn’t be able to keep up even if he were paying complete attention.

“Eddie,” Steve says, but Eddie is still talking, still mumbling along about the red dragon.

“Eddie,” Steve tries again, but it’s like he’s shouting in an empty room. He knows Eddie knows he’s talking to him, can tell by how wide Eddie’s eyes are, how he’s not even trying to not slur his rapidfire words together. If Eddie was talking about dragons for the hell of it, he’d be gesticulating and probably climbing on things. As it were, he’s got his gaze fixed on Steve, eyes comically wide as his words rush together—barely getting one out before the next slew rush into it in a truly amusing word traffic jam.

Eddie’s nervous , and fuck if that doesn’t thrill Steve to his core. Steve takes the final step towards him to completely close the distance and—

Eddie takes a step back, his words stuttering along with Steve’s heart in his chest. He wasn’t expecting that, wasn’t expecting Eddie to back away from him so quickly. Steve has half a second to be hurt, to mentally kick himself because get a fucking clue , Harrington, before he catches Eddie’s eyes darting down to his lips, his tongue unconsciously swiping along his lower lip before his gaze skitters back up to Steve’s.

And, oh, yeah , Steve has him exactly where he wants him. Eddie isn’t stepping back because he doesn’t want Steve. No, he’s stepping back because he’s prey . Steve is stalking towards him with a single minded focus and Eddie is skittering backwards like a scared rabbit—bouncing back step by step as Steve approaches until his back collides with the wall. That, finally, seems to knock all their air out of Eddie. The dragon conversation dies on his lips as Steve finally—fucking finally —closes the remaining distance between them. He reaches out, cupping Eddie's cheek in one hand, his jaw in the other, all while pressing up against Eddie from hip to chest.

“ Eddie, ” Steve murmurs, his eyes hooding. This time, Steve feels Eddie’s breath catch, feels the way a tremor works its way through Eddie’s body. He’s staring up at Steve with wide, wild eyes. He looks like a deer caught in a trap—ready to break his leg trying to get away if he needs to.

Steve isn’t sure why that makes him feel a little wild, but it does.

He stretches his thumb out to swipe across Eddie's bottom lip—already bitten and red from Eddie’s nervous chewing. God , it drives Steve crazy . He has a half-hysterical thought about offering his own up for Eddie to chew on when he’s nervous. Eddie makes him crazy .

Steve licks at his own lips as he watches the way his thumb catches and drags and the swollen skin of Eddie’s bottom lip. Eddie’s trembling in earnest now, and Steve feels his pulse thundering in his ears. He wants to kiss Eddie so bad his fucking toes are curling with the anticipation.

He flicks his gaze up, away from Eddie’s lips up to his eyes and he has to fight back a groan. Eddie looks fucking wrecked and Steve hasn’t even kissed him yet. His eyes are wide and wild, his pupils blown and there’s a scarlet flush in his cheeks. He’s fucking panting against Steve’s face and he can’t take it any more. He really, really can’t. He has to kiss him—screw anticipation, screw driving Eddie past the brink. He needs and he needs now.

“ Eddie, ” Steve practically gasps . “Eddie, please.” Steve squeezes his eyes shut as his body unconsciously rocks forward, seeking even more of Eddie out. “Wanna kiss you so bad, please say I can, please—”

And before Steve can get another plea out, Eddie’s slamming his head forward with enough force to knock their teeth together in an uncomfortable clack ; enough force that their noses knock together in a painful way.

But Steve doesn't care . He doesn’t care because Eddie’s lips are on his and he feels like there’s liquid fire coursing through his veins. He feels lit up from the inside out as Eddie finally, finally touches him back. He fists a hand in the back of Steve’s shirt, the other winding through Steve’s hair and fuck it’s finally happening. After night upon night of imagining what kissing Eddie Munson would be like, Steve’s finally doing it.

And goddamn is he doing it. Eddie’s lips are slick against his, hot and encouraging . They slide together in a way that has Steve’s mind going blissfully blank, his only thoughts being hotwetyesmore.  

He kisses him messy, lips moving together in a too fast pace that neither of them can keep track of; bruising force in the way their lips slide, spit sliping from their parted lips in a slow trickle that has Steve’s fingers curling against Eddie’s jaw.

He uses that hand to tilt Eddie’s head up slightly, angling it enough that Steve can get his bottom lip between his own and suck slightly. The first slid of Eddie’s lip between Steve’s own has him seeing fucking stars . 

A punched out groan breaks free from Eddie’s throat and he rocks forward into Steve, seeking more . The hand in the middle of his back pulls and Steve is helpless to do anything but push Eddie more firmly into the wall. He knows it has to hurt, has to be restricting Eddie’s breathing with how tightly they’re pressed together, but he can’t take enough focus away from Eddie’s mouth to care . Plus, if Eddie minds that much he wouldn’t be pulling Steve closer .

Eddie breathes a wet gasp into Steve’s mouth when he takes his teeth to the lip still tucked between his own, and Steve can’t help but let out a gasp of his own. Eddie tastes fucking phenomenal. He can taste the lingering tobacco on his tongue, the salty tang of the popcorn he must have had earlier, and just the overwhelming taste of Eddie. Hot, sweet, fucking sublime. Steve‘s never been a particularly religious man, but he feels like he’s drinking heaven straight from Eddie’s mouth. With every gasp, every moan, every brush of Eddie’s tongue, he feels one step closer to absolution. It’s addicting .

God , he wants more. He wants Eddie’s hands all over him, on bare skin. He wants those deft musicians fingers to snake into his hair, tug a bit. He wants Eddie over him and under him and—

He stills suddenly, a thought occurring to him. The line that had triggered this whole thing—his announcement to Robin back in Family Video—and suddenly there’s a burning need in Steve’s gut. God, he needs to sit in Eddie’s lap right now. Needs to feel his strong thighs under him, needs Eddie’s hands on his ass and his tongue in his mouth.

“ Fuck, ” Steve bites out when he pulls back. Tearing his mouth away from Eddie’s is so much harder than it has any right to be.

Eddie’s staring at Steve with glassy eyes, his lips shiny and red and oh fuck even his chin is glistening with their spit. Steve wants to devour him.

“Go sit on the couch,” Steve says, and is pleasantly surprised that his voice only sounds a little rough, a little shaky.

“What?” Eddie croaks out, staring at Steve for a beat. Then, miracle of miracles, he does it. He stares at Steve the whole time, the glassy look getting a little clearer, and Steve thinks that simply will not do.

The minute Eddie is seated, Steve’s crawling his way into his lap. He wedges his knees into the crease at the back of the couch, shuffling as far forward as he can so their chests are pressing together, their clothed crotches aligning. Then, without giving Eddie a chance to adjust, he drops down, pressing the full weight of his ass into Eddie’s thighs and, by proximity, his dick.

“ Jesus Christ ,” Eddie swears, his hands shooting out to grab at Steve’s ass on instinct. Steve almost giggles . It’s exactly what he wants.

“You can just call me Steve,” he mutters, and before Eddie can reply, he’s sweeping in and claiming Eddie’s lips again. Eddie huffs against his mouth, but let’s Steve have the last word. Steve’s glad because he has plans .

Plans that start with Steve winding those thick curls around his fingers as he slides his lips against Eddie’s. Eddie pushes his head back into Steve’s hands like a cat, and it makes Steve smile into their kiss, which makes Eddie smile into the kiss. It’s like a domino effect—once Steve feels Eddie’s smile against his, he starts giggling like a schoolgirl. He can’t help it, this feels unreal in the best possible way.

Then Eddie’s off, giggling back into Steve’s mouth. They’re both just sitting there giggling at each other, eyes squinted and happy . God, Steve feels euphoric in this moment, perched in Eddie’s lap like it’s his throne, with Eddie’s hands on his ass.

Eddie pulls back after a moment, when their smiles are too wide to actually kiss. He brings a hand up to gently brush a strand of hair away from Steve’s eyes, tucking the long lock behind his ear before putting his hand back on Steve’s ass. 

“You’re unbelievable, Steve Harrington,” Eddie whispers, eyes so full of affection that Steve feels his insides turn to mush. He squirms in Eddie’s laps, ducking his head to mouth at Eddie’s neck because if he stares into his eyes any longer he’s going to do something stupid . Stupid like admit that he’s pretty fucking sure he’s in love with Eddie, has been since he gave him that dumb rock for no decernable reason other than he wanted to, because he was thinking of Steve.

Steve tongues at the tendon in Eddie’s neck that’s stretched taunt, rubs his nose along his jaw and up to the hollow under his ear. Eddie laughs, tilting his head sideways to give Steve easier access.

“Oh, now you’re gonna be shy? After you practically pounced on me earli—”

Eddie’s words cut off in a choked groan as Steve bites, hard , at the tendon he was just showing attention to.

“ Steve, ” Eddie gasps, but Steve doesn’t let him do any other talking. No, he’s not going to let Eddie derail him again. So, he dives back for Eddie’s mouth, licking into it, not slowing down and not giving Eddie a chance to catch up. He smooths his tongue alongside Eddie’s, lets Eddie push back against it with his own for a millisecond, before he’s switching tactics—licking behind the top row of Eddie’s teeth, sliding his tongue over Eddie’s bottom lip. 

Eddie squeezes his ass at the sudden onslaught, and Steve can’t help the small jerk his body gives at that. He grinds down, a gasp trapped in the humid air between them as sharp waves of pleasure shoot up his spine. He’s trapped in between Eddie’s lips and his hands and he feels like he’s high with it.

He’s enjoying himself so much.

He slides his tongue along Eddie’s again, enjoys the way it's slightly rough and gloriously slick against his own. Enjoys the way it makes his pulse thrum a little faster, his fingers grip a little tighter where they’re fisted in Eddie’s hair—the way it makes Eddie squeeze a little tighter, which makes Steve grind down a little harder.

Steve feels the evidence of Eddie’s interest, has been feeling it, and knows Eddie has to be aware of Steve’s own. And Steve’s fantasized about Eddie’s lips for so long that he’s tried to keep it to just that—tried to focus on the heady drag of lips on lips—but it’s hard to ignore the way Steve’s own hips are twisting down, seeking as much of Eddie as possible. Hard to ignore the way Eddie has his own feet planted on the floor, meeting Steve’s hips with firm thrusts of his own.

They’re sharing humid air and sharp gasps, their lips swollen and honestly sore . Steve’s lips ache in the best way he’s ever felt, and Steve doesn’t want to stop. Wants to sit right here on Eddie’s strong thighs, wants to feel Eddie’s teeth nipping at the too sensitive skin of his mouth, wants to kiss Eddie for the rest of his life .

They kiss and kiss and kiss, and Steve has never just kissed someone like this. He’s never kissed just to feel, kissed just for the pleasure of it with no expectations for what’s to follow. He feels intoxicated. He’s utterly, wholly blissed out on Eddie Munson’s mouth and he never wants it to end.

They kiss for so long that Steve has honestly started to lose feeling in his lips. It’s weird feeling them so sore, so numb. But they are, so he slowly, so slowly pulls back. Leaning down for a few lingering pecks as he puts a little distance between their mouths.

Eddie’s mouth is bright red, spit slick and so tempting. Steve watches with fascination as a single string of spit connects their lips, stretching until he’s put enough distance between them that it breaks.

Steve bites his lip on a moan, thinks that’s one of the hottest things he’s ever seen.

He meets Eddie’s gaze. His eyes are wild, pupils blown out. His hair is an absolute disaster from the way Steve’s been running his fingers through it, and his cheeks are flushed so prettily. Steve can’t resist sneaking one more kiss in, lingering around afterwards to rub their noses together.

“Hi,” Steve finally murmurs and fuck, is that his voice? Jesus, he sounds wrecked.

“Hi,” Eddie says back, his smile verging on loopy. “Did you know that some corvids can understand physics?”

Steve stares at him for a beat, a little stunned and a lot confused by the abrupt topic switch. Eddie stares back, a look on his face that Steve can only take for regret, his already pink face is turning positively crimson. 

It’s dead quiet for a moment, then Steve bursts into laughter. His chest absolutely swells with affection, with, fuck it, love. God damn , he can’t deny it any longer. The love he feels for this boy sitting under him is overwhelming at the best of times, and it feels like it’s just bursting out of him at this moment. He’s coming apart at the seams with his feelings for Eddie, and he’s done trying to pretend that they’re anything but that.

“Oh my God, ” Eddie mutters, bringing his hands up to hide his face. It’s so endearing. Steve is endeared. “Sorry, fuck. I don’t know why I just said that.”

“Jesus Christ, dude.” Steve’s still grinning down at Eddie, moving his hands to clasp around Eddie’s wrists, trying to pry his hands away. He never wants to not be looking at Eddie. He’s so fucking weird and Steve likes him so much. “I like you so fucking much .”

Eddie lets Steve pull his hands away, and he…there’s no other word for it, Eddie just absolutely lights up. It’s like Steve’s staring directly at the sun. Eddie is beaming up at him, his smile so wide that his eyes are basically closed. He has laugh lines, and Steve is already obsessed with them, already thinking of ways to make Eddie smile this wide, this radiant all the time.

“Yeah?” Eddie asks.

“Oh, yeah,” Steve confirms. “Just ask Robin. I’ve been whining about it for weeks .”

Eddie laughs again, his grin not dimming in the slightest, and Steve just has to taste it—has to get his mouth around Eddie’s happiness. So, he swoops back in, feels Eddie’s laughter transfer to him via their connected mouths, feels a piece of himself that’s long been looking for a home finally slot into place.

[alwaysrunningoutoftime]

the bear sydcarmy thoughts (season 3 spoilers)

I have never felt so dead inside and empty. I ended the season literally burning up. Perhaps I got my hopes up too much which wasn’t a lot tbh. I expected with sydcarmy the s3 ender was gonna be like a fight because of a reveal of her opportunity and maybe maybe a realization of feelings. But wow not that at all, in fact there was nothing really resolved.

I was expecting the angst and to be pissed off at Camry but but we’ve never been so immeasurably down and I have to say I don’t know how I feel about sydcarmy now.

What I notice is these two really took a nosedive this season. We went so downhill. In prior seasons we can usually expect by the end for some resolution to happen between the two, syd comes back, or we get like the lovely table scene. This season it’s like they got progressively farther and father apart.

We started off so strong with the EMP scene. Like I couldn’t fucking believe we actually got that scene, i shot up out of my seat it was so surreal.

And then as we continue to go, there’s barely any moments between the two together. And when there is, they’re always cut short. And you’re kind of just left short, wanting more. And i guess that was on purpose to show them so out of sync and their biggest weakness, communication. They really became just two coworkers, so unfamiliar with each other. And I was truly hoping we’d get something from the Ever scenes but no carmy is just so isolated.

And again I guess that’s the point. Carmy is so in his head, so haunted by Claire and David, so focused on the restaurant that he’s not trying at all to form a connection with syd (platonic nor romantic). He’s so focused on his past and carrying the weight of things left unsaid that as the al anon meeting says, it just digs deeper and deeper with him. Because he never bothers to resolve his issues, go to therapy and apologize to Claire.

So here’s the thing about Claire. It’s obvious he needed to resolve what happened with her. But what was really jarring to me was the amount of Claire scenes we got. In season 2 Claire is depicted as a distraction, there is always this constant clock running in the background with her. Carmy doesn’t even know exactly what Claire is to him, ���a girl that’s a friend or a girlfriend.” Their relationship is so surface level. And then we start getting these s3 scenes and it feels like they’re retconning their relationship because this isn’t the claire and carmy from season 2. And if they were so great together why wouldn’t you show us then! Where are all these scenes coming from. But okay let’s say storer did hear people’s complaints and chose to give more to clairecarmy, then I feel so horribly fucked as a sydcarmy shipper cause why would you give us such obvious editing and juxtaposition between Sydney and Claire in s2 and turn around and do this. It feels like a betrayal. And worse of all the whole “Claire is your peace” THATS NOT WHAT THE PANIC ATTACK SCENE SAID IN S2, syd is the one who calmed him down. And despite seeing all these clairecarmy scenes they cannot measure up to the substance, the complexity of sydcarmy. And worse of all they didn’t even resolve the clairecarmy bs. And if they’ve spent so much time shoving these two in our face and I meant to believe those two are endgame, that they are meant to be together. god I’m gonna throw up, I feel so played.

But then my hope, perhaps my delusional is the EMP meal scene. It tells me that there will always be this invisible string between sydcarmy and as Chris storer said himself it’s about “finding the right people when you’re supposed to find them.”

Syd is right at the end of episode 1, is it supposed to indicate she is the endgame.

What worries me though is if they take this in a platonic direction, the platonic soulmates bs and continue on with clairecarmy.

So anyway back on carmy, and him keeping everything in and avoiding his problems. That is the reason why this season is so angsty. Carmy regresses severely and he is so lonely, you really feel it at the end of the season as everyone shares their story and he is too focused on David to connect with anyone. And then when he finally confronts David, he realizes nothing he says to this man matters. His words don’t mean shit. And it feels especially poignant because he’s been holding onto this for years, all this anger and hatred. He even follows in David’s footsteps with his own restaurant: “the greatest mistake is working for a bad boss, what it unlocks in you is the culture that you choose to create.” And they juxtapose David with Claire. And again is this the clairecarmy agenda being pushed. Or I also see it as him finally having confronted David, he now needs to resolve whatever the fuck he needs to with Claire.

Okay so onto Terry. Terry says: “i got to do all the things i wanted to do the way i wanted to do with the people i wanted to do it with.” And this is the thing carmy has to strive for, to create that good culture again. To make connections again. I mean correct me if I’m wrong but the only person he really connects with is Marcus (his actual mentee) he doesn’t really talk to Sydney, doesn’t resolve anything with Richie, I think he doesn’t even really talk to Sugar. And I’m realizing now, throughout the season there were so many people connecting with different people (off the top of my head: Marcus and Tina, Tina and Nat, Nat and Richie, Richie and Sydney, Sydney and Marcus). There’s so many more and different duos going on, and carmys barely a part of any of it. And then with Sydney’s party, while everyone’s celebrating and carmys just on his own.

We really emphasize his loneliness. There’s also the Sydney and Luca conversation about siblings, and then Sydney’s loneliness and her experiencing everything on her own and being used to dealing with things on her alone. And we see that in her panic attack scene, and she has no anchor (as someone else pointed out), no one there to comfort her. And it ending on this loneliness that follows both sydney and carmy around and that’s another thing that ties them together.

I don’t really know how to end this. I don’t know how I feel about sydcarmy right now, what the show is trying to tell me. Should I have faith in their invisible string, in them being tied together by loneliness. I understand this was the angst season and carmy really regressed, and he was focused on David and Claire. Is this season pivoting and telling me clairecarmy are endgame, or is it carmy being haunted by the still unresolved things between them? I can accept the added romance to their relationship, I mean she is his first real gf, there has to be good there. Does this necessarily mean their endgame or is she just a stepping stone, a first gf someone he is meant to learn lessons from, to then have his endgame with Sydney? (I think of new girl and the various good relationships nick and jess went through before getting endgame.)

THEY COULDNT RESOLVE ONE FUCKING THING!

And then the “to be continued” sign. Is this what people felt when they watched Across the Spiderverse, but like we were actually building towards something there. All I’m left with is dread with the bear.

Lastly I am so conflicted by this partnership. I have no idea what I want syd to choose. There will be a big show of loyalty if Sydney chooses to stick with carmy, I mean I also have to respect the loyalty in her also choosing the crew, her family (like Marcus and Tina and Nat). But we also see how far Sydney and carmy drifted from each other and we see the loss of their collocation and their synchronization. The way Carmy rebuffs all her suggestions. So im like “yeah fuck carmy, go off on your own syd.” And if she were to choose to stay that would be such a big sign of something more to me because now she’s choosing to believe in his potential, which is a big fucking deal.

But then I also think about the growth carmy experienced from learning at all these places. And how Sydney deserves that too. And also carmys speech about the chefs and learning from each other and branching out on their own. And maybe it’s that too, Sydney spreading her wings. But then no, I’m selfishly like no I don’t want her to leave.

But then maybe it’s meant to show growth in carmy, he was the one who left before. Now he has to trust in syd to leave and come back again. Idk.

Or yeah maybe syd just deserves to fuck off, become successful and fuck over this man.

I also think about that one twt post where the bear is about “Carmy falling in love with Sydney. And Sydney falling out with carmy” and god that would fuck me up so bad.

Am I meant to hold out hope, like this is rock bottom and there’s only up from here. Or is this them extinguishing the fire of sydcarmy for us? I understand we always have fan fiction and canons not everything, but the way camry and Sydney’s relationship, even platonically, was handled this season left me with a bad taste in my mouth.

Idk where I’m going with this. I don’t even know how I feel about sydcarmy anymore, I want to read a fic to soothe me but I don’t even think carmy deserves to be happy with Sydney right now. Idk let me know your thoughts, maybe my fellow sydcarmys can pull me out.

Also if there’s a discord I would love to join because I don’t think I can deal with this on my own right now 😭.

[zoropookie]

honestly?

if i were y/n i would forgive him because of the amount of shit he's had to deal with coming from his mom, he literally has no support chain or anyone he can talk to about his feelings, not even himself.

but that still doesn't make his behavior okay 💀 wdym "leave him alone"? no?? he also has to learn how to deal with his trauma. being a dick to everyone will only drive them away from him and in the end he will be lonelier than ever. there are other ways to convey his point of view and he shouldn't live in rage like that. as much as they care for him, i imagine it does get tiring having to deal with his behavior, and i wouldn't expect people to stay in his life with how toxic he makes it. he needs to heal too. being abandoned and tossed to the sidelines by a parent like this isn't fucking easy but if he wants a functional social life he has to check his personality and talk this out in some way.

best case scenario would be ei owning up to the shit she's done but we all know this is not happening, and though i don't see him becoming all cheery and okay after this, it would at least validate his feelings and his anger in a way. i think what he really needs is a total life overhaul tbh lol. do u guys see him going to therapy? i'm curious

and it pains me to say this but i'd be really surprised if with all that's happened, sm ended with the both of them in a relationship together. things are hard right now but i hope u will be able to deliver what your heart is telling you to with the story zoro 💗💗 regardless of how it ends, i love your writing and how you bring the character's emotions out. sorry for straying away from the debate lol but it's true!

if possible i'd like to be 🐛 anon!

this is very true! it’ll take a lot of patience to work on the relationship as it is going rn lol if they leave things unsaid between each other, scara would never be taking accountability and y/n would be constantly reprimanding him for the things he says. thank you for this input!!!

[thingsthatneedtobesaidsblog]

Everyone says they have a love and hate realtionship with the season finale of Manifest but the only thing I have I'd hate it was such a stupid ending yes I'm happy thru all got their second chance but omg that really wouldn't change anything that they've gone through.

Not only that, but there was so much left unsaid and unresolved. Why is Cal the holly grail? Is it because he's the youngest on the plane and therefore seen as more pure and trustworthy than the adults? Whi gave them the calls? Did any of them ever actually interact with the pirate (can't remember his name) and his men oflr? Did they also get callings about the passengers? What do the peacocks have to do with everything? Who gave them the callings? Will they still have the callings?

And I know most of it is due to Jeff not having the 3 seasons that he needed to do everything but omg I hated it.

Jared and Michaela getting back together jut to go back to Zeke and Drea. Ben and Saanvi which I think if we had gotten those 3 season we would've gotten a more full flesh version of them.

I hated the ending like what happened to the passengers in the original timeliness did the cease to exist, did everything stop. Like Ben fought so hard to save his family just to leave behind the one he had in the original timeliness.

Saanvi getting back with Alex should've never happened not because I love Benvi but Alex literally put Saanvi through hell. She called Saanvi a fling, left her alone to stay with her husband and then in the final episode said she wanted a family with Saanvi as if she doesn't already have a family with her husband. Also Saanvi is literally the side piece!!! Like girl wake up!!

And then there's Ben and Grace when they originally came back they should've never worked out like Grace had changed so much and she was with Danny, he was probably frequently at the Stones house, then uts the fact that they were rocky away before that because of Cal's cancer was pulling them apart. They need couples therapy or at least a little bit more arguing and actually working through things.

I feel like Jeff just really wanted a happy family or well as happy as they could get. But both Ben and Grace are terrible parents they can be so focused on Cal they forget about Olive's own safety and then when it stopped being Cal it was Eden.

Also Zeke and Micahela like it literally made no sense how to did Zeke get out the cave? How did he even know that the would be driving a taxus that night when they came back if he was still in the cave?

I really wished we had gotten thoes 3 more season because I would've loved to see how the passengers got to the detention center. How did the bury Zeke? How Vance got back to working under Zimmer? The passengers adjusting to the DC. How Eagen did they catch Eagen? I know he was in the hospital but he definitely gave the police a hard time.

Them being stuck in the DC was most definitely season 5 of what Jeff wanted to happen, and the rest would've been season 6.

But yeah, the ending was complete bullshit and Netflix should've just renewed it for 3 more seasons.

[villainessbian]

Also important and always swept under the rug:

TERFs are homophobic. TERFs are lesbophobic. TERFs are biphobic. TERFs are very racist. TERFs are extremely anti-Semitic. TERFs are intersexist. TERFs are eugenicists.

Not every single trait will be identifiable for every single TERF. But all of them are part of the TERF creed, all of them are developed and reinforced and shared in the movement/cult.

There's a lot of talk about how their misogyny is apparent, and how their hate is not all about trans women, just overtly focused on trans women, but there's the whole undercurrent of insidious hate on trans men. And that's quite true! They got more overt with stuff like "permanent damage" and made this whole system where predatory trans women attack teenage autistic lesbians and corrupt their precious bodies by "cutting their healthy breasts" and "mutilating their perfectly good reproductive organs" and other such gross turns of phrases and thoughts to have about teenagers. This is true and this is something they used a lot to get to "there is no trans man, they're all victims and should be dehumanised for being so incapable of making their own choices" and then if a detransitioner joins them as a "healed woman" or whatever she'll be forever considered less-than, but a good gotcha to have around and she'll even have some provisional humanity if she's violent enough!

It remains too often left unsaid that they're racist. According to them, black women are worse because they have more testosterone and TERFs judge everything based on western, white beauty standards of daintiness. They'll claim black women are trans to harm them, every time they can.

TERFs are anti-Semitic. The whole "it's Soros" hate thing, the marching with literal nazis, the old "this is why you should have nazi friends," the directly quoting hitler.

TERFs are intersexist. Caster Semenya, 'nuff said - though the racism is also apparent here.

TERFs are eugenicists. They quite literally believe that "good women traits" (as defined by their beauty standards and political beliefs) should be passed down, and that's why it's so important to keep... well, breeding females.

TERFs do not really hate men. Behind the justifying veneer of being "man-hating feminists" there's so much that's just... patriarchal men. Look at Glinner, laughing to tears about rape with TERF friends. Look at how every single feminist issue gets hated on by TERFs, from breast cancer treatment to abortion rights. Which they fight against, by the way.

TERFs are homophobic and lesbophobic. Lesbians are only "pure and Most Oppressed" when they can be used as a gotcha - otherwise, these deviants can die in a ditch. TERFs oppose a ban on conversion therapy because they like it, despite claiming that trans people existing is conversion therapy and thus evil.

Frankly, there are too many examples of all of these to easily pick the best ones, and if you want a quick look at anything, a very easy way is to hop on twitter and look up some accounts. Thy just document it. "GC biphobia", "GC racism", and so on. You can find plenty of those, and they just screenshot and go on.

And let's be completely honest. Some of these are pushed under the rug because queer groups aren't perfect, and we have to deal with bigotry inside our own ranks. But mostly, that's part of the plan. TERFs are just neo-nazis who noticed that hiding the 90% of nazism that gets opposed behind the 10% that doesn't (transphobia and transmisogyny) makes it work. And now that there has been pushback from trans people, they figured they'd just keep these 10% behind a thin veil. The difference between TERFs now and TERFs in the 70s is twofold: one, the rest of their beliefs was more commonplace then (excepting the quick radicalisation of the right everywhere...), and two, they're much more of a cult now, which means they want to drag you in more slowly to make your conversion more secure. Hence the not opening with "trans women are men we need to kill" but more with "safeguarding" and "sports fairness" and "honest questions."

It is deeply, deeply beneficial to TERFs if the only characteristic of TERF ideology you will recognize as wrong, harmful, or problematic is "they hate trans women".

TERF ideology is an expansive network of extremely toxic ideas, and the more of them we accept and normalize, the easier it becomes for them to fly under the radar and recruit new TERFs. The closer they get to turning the tide against all trans people, trans women included.

Case in point: In 2014-2015, I fell headlong into radical feminism. I did not know it was called radical feminism at the time, but I also didn't know what was wrong with radical feminism in the first place. I didn't see a problem with it.

I was a year deep into this shit when people I had been following, listening to, and looking up to finally said they didn't think trans women were women. It was only then that I unfollowed those people, specifically; but I continued to follow other TERFs-who-didn't-say-they-were-TERFs. I continued ingesting and spreading their ideas- for years after.

If TERFs "only target trans women" and "only want trans women gone", if that's the one and only problem with their ideology and if that's the only way we'll define them, we will inevitably miss a vast majority of the quiet beliefs that support their much louder hatred of trans women.

As another example: the trans community stood relatively united when TERFs and conservatives targeted our right to use the correct restroom, citing the "dangers" of trans women sharing space with cis women. But when they began targeting Lost Little Girls and Confused Lesbians and trotting detransitioners out to raise a panic about trans men, virtually the only people speaking up about it were other transmascs. Now we see a rash of anti-trans healthcare bills being passed in the US, and they're hurting every single one of us.

When you refuse to call a TERF a TERF just because they didn't specifically say they hate trans women, when you refuse to think critically about a TERF belief just because it's not directly related to trans women, you are actively helping TERFs spread their influence and build credibility.

[in-tua-deep]

things i think the Hargreeves should do post apocalypse:

Luther:

Any adult shop classes because I genuinely love mechanic!Luther and have been slipping that into like, all my aus where I can.

Goes to slam poetry nights because he genuinely enjoys poetry (hello space poetry from episode one about the comet or whatever) and maybe one day is confident enough to share his with other people

Gets some gym bros who all enthusiastically support him in a bro sort of way who are constantly getting their minds blown by how much Luther can lift and constantly going “YOOOOOO” while Luther tries to downplay things bc he’s embarrassed 

I don’t know I just want Luther to have actual friends

Probably goes to every astronomy event where people have telescopes and is known in that scene so every time there’s some event at the observatory newcomers are like “what the FUCK” when this bigass bodybuilder comes in and starts gushing about which planet is visible I don’t know

Spearheads a lot of the family’s museum (that aren’t art museum) outings, especially if they have any exhibit that even vaguely relates to outer space or planets or the moon or anything. 

Probably gets up at godawful hours on the morning to go hiking and see the sunrise because he really liked doing that on the moon and even though it isn’t quite the same he still loves to do it. (If he’s not hiking he goes up to Grace’s roof garden to watch it)

Diego:

He already does his fighting at the gym which is kind of cool I’m going to gently assume that he already has gym bros and if he doesn’t then he becomes somewhat more approachable after everything

(having your mother comes down to the gym and kiss your cheek or your teenage brother hop in to drag you away or you other very flamboyant sibling dance his way into the gym to fetch you doesn’t exactly do wonders for keeping a reputation going)

I do want to think that Diego takes up like,, whittling but I think he’d have to do it away from Vanya bc,, you know,, Leonard/Harold whatever was a woodcarver or something but idk maybe Vanya is cool with it - but just the image of Diego hunching over and carving at something and Klaus leaning over and trying to enthusiastically guess what it is while getting it super super wrong because Diego is a beginner and his starting pieces are all lumpy monstrosities makes me smile

Diego taking cooking classes so that he can surprise Grace by taking over dinner sometimes and letting her relax and do what she wants

I’ve said this somewhere before but Diego spearheading picnic events and forcing the family out of the house because he thinks it’s a nice thing for Grace to see the world and on god if any of his siblings fight him about it he will stuff their asses into a picnic basket himself because they are GOING

Gets dragged by Klaus into dumb ideas to “give ourselves a CHILDHOOD diego” more than any other member of the family. Which basically means that Diego is the one Klaus grabs to surf a mattress down the staircase and other dumbass ideas

Allison:

Probably ends up redecorating the mansion and completely redoing it to make it more modern and also less the horrible hellscape with taxidermied animals on the walls that it is. Her and Grace squad up to plan everything and then Allison makes everyone help when it comes to things like painting and building all the nice ikea furniture she just bought

Takes parenting classes as sort of extra credit for her custody case for Claire. I feel like eventually she and Patrick genuinely talk to each other, maybe at some kind of joint therapy, and sort of clear the air between them. They might never get back together, but they at least become sort of friends again. Mainly because I like the Patrick I’ve built up for myself in my head tbh

Occasionally attends craft classes with Klaus when she has a spare moment, because he goes to like,, all the local craft classes. She likes to spend the time with him. Is probably the only sibling who willingly attends with Klaus, but others get dragged along as well.

Probably takes up scrapbooking? She wants to have something physical to give to Claire so decides to go through like,, all the camera footage of their childhoods and pick out good images (because goodness knows they didn’t have cute family pictures) and maybe Grace uploads some of her memories to a harddrive with cute shit and they scrapbook together let me have this

on a related note buys a camera and starts trying to catch her siblings doing cute things for her scrapbook with the sort of determined energy of someone who has realized that she’s having to do her scrapbooking from security camera footage because their childhoods were fucked up

(she has a bajillion pictures of herself - thank you paparazzi - but all she has on her siblings is like... what, one of diego’s fighting posters and the two pictures of Vanya from her book and from the newspaper on the fucked up apocalypse concert??)

Klaus:

Genuinely goes to any and all craft classes offered at the community center and random places around town. Usually sort of a disaster, always a disaster when he drags along his siblings, and always proudly brings home his third grader worthy creations that Grace proudly puts on the shelves. He gets better at things the more he goes to them though, so there’s a progression of skill level in his crafts. Allison goes with him when she has time.

Has a knitting circle that he attends that is primarily made of little old ladies who dote on him. Five occasionally goes with but it often conflicts with Five’s other extra curricular activities.

Bakes at home a lot, with Grace’s supervision after some certain incidents that should remain unnamed. Tends to get ‘creative’ with the recipes but now that Grace is present to make sure it won’t be a disaster everyone is more willing to taste whatever comes out. Has, on at least one occasion, insisted on decorating cookies or icing cupcakes or whatever as a ‘family bonding activity.’

Goes with Ben to the movie theater frequently even to the gross horror movies that Klaus hates and Ben absolutely loves. Klaus always insists Diego come to the horror movies so that Klaus has someone physically there for him to hold onto when he’s scared. Five comes sometimes as well, but tends to critique the special effects - especially blood and blood splatter - which makes other people turn around to hush them.

Five:

I genuinely want to say he does gymnastics lessons. Mainly because I feel like he needs to do SOMETHING physical and get rid of his excess energy, and also I think it would be hilarious for him to be tumbling and teleporting and shit at the same time what a wild ride. Absolutely refuses to allow his siblings to come to any competitions or whatever, but they all end up showing up anyway.

Starts learning instruments. Asks Vanya for lessons on the violin so they can play together, it’s very cute. I also wants to say starts learning the piano because someone sent me an ask once about it and it was super valid. And Five can learn both because I say so and he doesn’t go to school he has the free time

Is on first name basis with a bunch of scientists and mathematicians online where they all yell numbers at one another. Probably in a super technical group chat with a bunch of people with actual doctorates who don’t actually know that Five doesn’t have a doctorate. 

Actually you know what just let Five start actually going to college like let him go to the local community college or start taking college classes or something. He can get his GED or whatever. Let this boy get a DEGREE

Goes to art classes, first because drawing therapy was something Klaus suggested and he wanted to get his brother off his back. Later because he enjoys it. There’s a life drawing group he frequents - he’s the youngest there and new people always do a double take when he shows up but Five is very meticulous in his art and is actually pretty good. Grace goes with him as well because I say so and they deserve bonding time together

Ben:

I mean he’s kind of dead but let him do things with his siblings as well!!

Like I said earlier, a total movie buff and loves going to see things in theaters. And by movie buff I just mean he sees a lot of movies. Bizarrely into horror movies for how sensitive a kid he always was. He goes to the theater with Klaus for the most part but likes to watch movies with the family as well. Klaus makes him watch every animated movie with him in return for Ben dragging Klaus to watch horror movies.

Probably ends up with a youtube channel?? does movie reviews and game playthroughs whenever Klaus has enough energy to manifest him. Is pretty popular but half his followers are because of the bizarre shit that goes on in the backgrounds of his videos. People figure out Klaus (who is a frequent guest) is The Seance and then Five jumps in to tell them dinner is ready or something and they’re like “wait is that the Seances brother with the portal powers who vanished when he was a teen and still IS a teen” and the fact that ben probably has a username that’s some shit like “bentacles” that klaus set up for him everyone is theorizing that the channel is just. Ghost Ben and Five who are being manifested by the Seance to?? play games? 

well. they’re half right.

it certain doesn’t help the rumor mill when Ben makes sarcastic comments about dying or how he can’t get arrested because he’s legally dead and shit like that.

“Yeah sorry I didn’t post yesterday Klaus’s knitting group ended up getting arrested somehow - I was there and I’m still not sure went down - so that’s why I didn’t manifest”

Vanya:

I mean obviously she plays the violin that’s her job. She also teaches Five how to play the violin when he expresses an interest!! She is very touched by the gesture

Swims to keep fit and is a frequent at the pool. Klaus once bugged her to let him come, but it’s really her thing that she just does by herself when she wants to get out of her own brain. She does promise Klaus that they’ll take a family trip to a water park one day though, which he enthusiastically takes her up on.

Attends a book club that she also half-shares with Ben. Ben doesn’t come with to any of the meetings, but she always buys two copies/borrow two copies from the library so that Ben can read along with them and he and Vanya discuss the books before she even goes to any of the meetings. Probably thought there would be more discussion of the books than complaining about their general lives, but keeps going because she lowkey wants an excuse to keep frequenting the bookstore where this cute girl works.

Her and Five steadily are making their way through all the coffee shops in the city (as well as through their menus) in search of the best cup of coffee. It’s just a fun thing they do together that the other siblings occasionally go with as well whenever they have time. Both Five and Vanya have notebooks where they record their ratings based on a variety of factors. Diego calls them pretentious and Klaus always gets the ones which are barely classified as coffee when he goes with (Five steals sips and makes faces but continues to do so)

Grace:

Frequents art museums and galleries! Supports a lot of beginning and local artists by buying their art and has a lot of rotating paintings and prints in the house depending on her mood. She got rid of pretty much like,, all the old painting that Reggie had up except for a few of her favs which she relocates to her new room that Diego put his foot down on giving her

Goes with Five to his art classes at first because, as a minor, he needed an adult to go with him for nudity reasons (it’s a life drawing class man). Grace didn’t expect to actually draw herself but Five insisted because he felt awkward with her just standing there. She prefers abstract styles herself (so many people at this art class have a crush on Grace you have no idea)

(actually goes with Five to most things he’s beginning for himself for at least the first lesson to sign him up as an adult because Five loathes having to ask his siblings)

Commissions someone to come and paint a portrait of the family that’s for them, where none of them are stiff and they’re all happy. She tips the artist fabulously for it and hangs the new family portrait in the place of honor above the mantle where Five’s portrait used to hang (they all destroyed it as a family bonding activity)

Keeps bees on the roof after one of the kids showed her an article about saving the bees. She can’t get stung and genuinely enjoys hanging out up there where she ALSO started a big garden because I say so and Grace deserves to be surrounded by flowers and bumblebees and happiness don’t @ me

[hanna-kin]

Wille and Erik

I love the relationship between Wille and Erik. It remains one of my favourite of the whole shoe depsite how few scenes they had together.

There's so much left unsaid but we as an audience still get to know so much about their relationship. The show tells so much with so little.

From the beginning it's clear that Wille idolises Erik and looks at him as if Erik can do no wrong.

We see Erik support Wille on his first day at Hillerska. It's Erik. It's Erik not their parents that accompanies Wille to school. He senses Wille’s anxiety and comes up with a way to cheer him up. He's a big brother.

But just as quickly we see how he's also the crown prince and very much part of the establishment. He tells Wille to stop being selfish when Wille expresses his worries and anxieties. Even if he loves his brother you get the feeling that Erik wishes Wille would just comply for once and not cause trouble.

We see him comfort Wille and give him a hug but when Wille clings to him he eventually gets annoyed. It's not time to play. He doesn’t have time. So he leaves Wille standing, watching his big brother leave him behind.

We also see them on the phone together several times and it's clear Erik is a person Wille opens up to. He's his bigger brother. And Erik once again shows that he's supportive of Wille. He teases him about his crush and is happy for him.

And then of course Erik dies and Wille’s life falls apart. Not only is his brother and up until now closest friend dead, he's also forced to immediately step into Erik’s shoes and fulfill a role he knows Erik played to perfection. In his mind living up to Erik feels impossible.

He struggles so much with this burden and he's determined to honour his brothers legacy. He's still convinced that Erik was perfect and wants ti live up to that. We see him grieve his brother while he tries to figure out what this new role means for him. As things unravels around him we see him longing for the comfort Erik used to provide him.

If anything, Erik's death just solidifies Wille's idea that Erik was perfect and flawless.

In the opening of season 2 we still see him struggle with his grief and loss. At the same he's literally drowning under the pressure of being the Crown Prince because once again, Erik was the perfect Crown Prince and how can he possibly live up to that?

Why is he struggling so much when Erik didn't? Why is he not strong like Erik was?

He expresses it in the scene with Erik. That he feels like their parents are not proud of him and that they wish he was a better spare.

Erik cheers him up and also gives him the snow globe. He also hints at how much pressure he's feeling

At least you don't have to be Crown prince.

I don’t think Wille realises then. He's just focused on the fight and the fact that his parents are sending him away, seemingly punishing him for not being good enough.

But then as season 2 progresses we see how his perception of his brother kinda falls apart.

The snowglobe represents both of them. Erik was also trapped in his role and then he gave it to Wille. He was only set free because he died. And then Wille was the one who got trapped instead.

As we all know, the snowglobe shatters and while it's a heartbreaking moment for Wille it also allows him to slowly break free.

We see him stand up for himself and set boundaries. He starts regaining control, little by little. Even it's baby steps it still means something.

And through his therapy sessions Wille learns more and more about himself.

Boris shows him that it's okay to feel pressure and to feel like it's too much. I don't think Wille’s really reflected on that before. How much pressure he's under and that it's not normal.

He also learns that Erik also went to therapy and he realises that Erik hid alot from him. He wasn't perfect and he wasn't bulletproof. He too struggled with the burden of being Crown Prince.

In the end I think it helps him come to terms with his own struggles. He now knows that the expectations on him are unfair and unreasonable.

He's allowed to feel what he feels. He's allowed to choose for himself how to live his life. He's allowed to be open.

[ilvermourn]

if you reaally deep it, the way sam and bucky act around each other doesnt make sense if theyre just acquaintances.

sam seems to know way too much about bucky, like he mentioned "the guy with a staring problem" in just a minute after their reunion which barely gave bucky time to even stare.

their angst seems to surpass that of just two people who dislike each other; they dont even dislike each other, they care about one another enough to go jumping out of planes and walking back to the airport instead of just flying back alone.

sam literally went to the police station after bucky acted like a prick, stayed there until they let bucky out (which seemed to take hours since it was night time by the time john came to release him) and went into the therapy session even though dr raynor could not force him to go, and he's even willing to go to zemo with him (bucky is also willing to go to the man that ruined his life for a period of time just to help sam, someone we're supposed to think he dislikes?? who tf goes and faces their trauma for someone they dislike???? not me!) all of this bc they genuinely care about each other more than just acquaintances, more than just friends if you will.

and why was bucky ignoring sam for so long? from where we last saw them in endgame they were cool with each other, one could even say they were beginning to be friends, so what tf happened after endgame that made bucky just cut him off for unsaid reason?? [edit: bucky suddenly having a random issue with redwing too?? "i always wanted to do that"??? what on god's earth happened between them for him to hate a bloody drone just bc its sam's]

shit aint adding up! it feels like marvel is either purposefully trying to cement a past relationship or they're completely ignoring the development between the two characters in the last two films and going with their rough relationship in ca:cw. so which is it?

[racxnteur]

**Addition that I forgot to write in with the above :

oh, a brief addendum about why i included 'lying' with 'wrong' --

I don't know the character of OP's parents, obviously. But many years after all of the bits I described in my reblog regarding my experience of similarity, there was an occasion upon which I delved into my parent's file cabinet for any documents they might have that would be relevant to me. (Specifically, I was looking for stuff on financial accounts that are now in my name and/or records for vet visits for my cat when they were looking after her--just as context to clarify that I wasn't like, surreptitiously or maliciously digging for dirt, or anything.)

Anyway, I found a great deal of things, but among them was a very early hearing test results page that had been administered to me at a young age. Nothing new there, as I said--it, like all the others, showed the declining slope representative of HFHL, as expected. Accompanying the familiar graph chart, however, were typed comments relaying the notes/advice of the practitioner who had assessed me. These notes conveyed their recommendations to further assess how these findings may potentially impact my ability to function best in an educational setting: they suggested looking into accommodative seating practices; discussed the potential of seeking therapy for auditory or speech difficulties; and clarified that, while the initial test was insufficient to definitively warrant assistive device usage, the patient (me) should be monitored for HL-related symptoms, the presence of which should prompt consideration of having me fitted for hearing aids or similar.

That is to say: I was told that no party had ever given cause to indicate I should benefit from treatment or accommodation, nor that my hearing loss was every considered worth addressing by a medical professional. Only literal decades later did I encounter clear evidence to the contrary. What I was told was objectively not true.

While OP's parents are, I think, certainly TA in this scenario, it may as well be misguided or ignorant behavior on their part; I don't know. A great deal of ableism in action is rooted in ignorance. Nonetheless, it shouldn't go unsaid that some of it is not: some acts of ableism are committed very much by choice.

AITA for not hearing my parents?

so i have hearing loss, not so severely i'd be considered deaf or need hearing aids or anything, but enough for me to have to focus on what someone's saying to hear a coherent sentence

my parents know this, i got a hearing test when i was very young according to them (like baby-toddler age, i don't know exactly how old) and the result came out that i do have hearing loss, and while i haven't gotten another test since then it's very likely that it's just gotten worse over the years. they still get annoyed at me when i don't immediately respond to them or need them to repeat something for me to understand

they say they get mad because i hear the other noises they make but i don't know if they know the difference between me hearing a noise like opening a door or chopping vegetables on a cutting board and me hearing a noise like speaking but not being able to discern the specific words, especially since i can't just magically know if they're talking to me or someone else

but idk what to do here or what i'm doing wrong? is it rude for me to not respond? am i supposed to be making more of an effort here? am i missing something? am i just using my hearing loss as an excuse because i don't seem to need any accessibility aid in daily life?

What are these acronyms?

[kybee1497]

Okay genuinely and not in a bitchy way.

people that dislike Bobby because he didn’t credit the boys. What did you want him to do?

Be like oh, I know I suffered a terrible tragedy that I’m still in therapy for 25 years later. My best friends all died on what was supposed to be the night of our lives and I’m alone now. I got back into music and I released music we already had been playing as a band under my new name. The music that we had been playing as a band that I’m the sole survivor of. This music was written by my best friend who’s dead now. Let me open myself up to being hounded by the media about the tragedy and my loss and 10 years from now I’m going to get invasive questions from reporters.

Like was he supposed to be “shout-out to my boy luke for writing this song for our band. He’s dead now, the rest of my band is also dead now and I’m traumatized. Anyways thanks luke, you’re a real one. No questions please.”

Canon: Bobby was close with his friends and band mates. They had inside jokes and Luke was hanging off Bobby just as much as he was the other boys.

Canon: Bobby stayed behind to flirt with Rose, they stayed close enough that their kids were close

Canon: Bobby released some of the bands music, he left at least unsaid Emily, bright and finally free, maybe edge of great I can’t remember. It’s logical to assume he only released the music the band was already playing/was on the demo

Canon: Trevor has a therapist that he can go to at the drop of a hat. Carrie is used to this. He panics often enough that it’s not odd that he’s flying off to visit his therapist all of a sudden, she just embarrassed that people are seeing him.

Canon: he loves and supports Carrie very much.

Canon: he never mentioned the boys to julie.

Canon: rose and Trevor were still close recently.

Canon: Luke and the boys felt betrayed that he didn’t mention them. Luke is mad about the music as he wrote the songs. Reggie is more mad about the money. Alex seems uncomfortable. They want to talk to him and confront him to see why he did it.

Canon: the boys are dealing with the trauma of dying and coming back 25 years later.

Canon: trevor and Carrie live in the hills, secluded where it’s safe and they have a hardcore gate to keep people out.

Canon: rose also knew about the boys and the music and she also never told Julie

Canon: Julie is 16, rose has been dead for a year, following this. The most recent Julie could have spent a lot of time around Trevor, she was 14-15 at the oldest. The trauma of losing his band and the technicalities of who wrote the songs aren’t really appropriate to discuss with a 14-15 year old, her mom knew, if she thought it was important she would have told Julie, and if Trevor had convinced her not to and she was uncomfortable, she wouldn’t have let julie be around him which there’s no evidence of.

Canon: Bobby was a 17 year old kid who lost his best friends, then went on to record the music the band had performed together. He has not obviously stated the songs were written by Luke in his conversations with Julie.

We don’t know why. We don’t know if it was strictly because it wasn’t something he wanted to talk about with a child as it’s a heavy topic. We don’t know if he didn’t want to bring up trauma and open old wounds? We don’t know if he got roped into a contract with a clause that he couldn’t talk about the band. There aren’t enough canon clues to understand what actually happened or his intentions.

There are two main theories

Bobby chose to profit off of the music his bandmate and friend luke had written. He changed his name and avoided all mentions of his past life. He is a liar and a cheat and the boys are right in their hatred of him and feelings of betrayal.

Bobby was a traumatized kid. He was probably taken advantage of by a cutthroat industry. He also probably didn’t want to discuss that with his daughters best friend, a literal child, or share his trauma and grief.

One of these theories is not any more canon than the other. It’s totally okay to not like Bobby, you don’t have to like any character, do what you want. But it’s not fair to act like you’re simply following canon and that your posistion as an anti is more valid and ‘canon’ than a stan.

[elysianheresy2]

can.. i hear about your ocs?

🥺 Of course you can! Thank you for asking <3 I want to hear about yours too though 👉🏼👈🏼 (if you're ok with sharing!)

So... I have many, many ocs, especially in pm so I can't talk about all of them and I'll just pick my favorites for now!

This is Lyvia (They/She), a color fixer oc! They grew up in the outskirts and a lot of people close to them died to several dangers there... And she decided to become better than those who were supposed to protect them but miserably failed. This took a while, but eventually she had success and the title of the rose quartz was given to her. Their weapon of choice is the specially modified umbrella they carry around, it's able to block powerful attacks and it's generally a very good defense! I won't describe the relationships they had with my friends' ocs, however, since this is one of my favorite ocs, of course they get paired with a canon character I find comfort in and this can't be left unsaid because it's important to know what happens next!

She met Daniel who carelessly ended up in danger, she happened to be doing a mission around that area and luckily was there to help him. I'm very shy about the oc x canon ships so I'm not describing very well but!! Eventually they end up together yeah! They keep working as a color to make the world a place where someone like him could live on, and he obviously joins the lab in the outskirts as the Canon story tells us... And the head raid happens so you know, he dies while Lyvia wasn't there to save him this time. And as soon as the news arrived to her she rushed to the remnants of the lab just to be welcomed by the head and the claws patrolling the area. A fight was unavoidable and she was able to kill a few claws but well, one of those was the gf of an arbiter and the arbiter wasn't very happy about that sooo

The lab of the outskirts ended up being the resting place of the rose quartz! And that's why I have like three aus where they're actually alive

This is the arbiter I mentioned above! She's Nara (She/Her) and she's a menace to society but at least she looks good while committing atrocities ahem anyways

She was adopted from the backstreets by a family that was already settled as members of the head, so she literally grew up with their ideologies taught to her and also the necessity to repay her family for the fact they saved her from certain death most likely... And thus she did her best to reach the top and make them proud... And she did reach the top! But her parents were too focused on praising the accomplishments of her sibling who was their biological child... So she always feels like whatever she does isn't enough, she needs therapy I think... Despite this, she deeply cares about her sibling...

This is her sibling, Jess! (Any pronoun) He didn't become an arbiter, however he became a beholder of the eye and quietly enjoyed the position, he thought what he did was just and fair and that his hands weren't dirty with blood. However, this changed when, while observing the new L Corp he committed a mistake and was kinda... Kidnapped? Smh she ends up being turned into an agent and he obviously isn't able to escape because you know... L corp things. They were assigned to the extraction department obviously under Binah and there they kinda... Almost died many times if the captain didn't help them. I'll avoid details once again, but during his time in the corp he had a character development and turned into a girlboss that's dealing with his sense of guilt for all his past mistakes.

... Obviously they're a Welfare Sephirah liker because I'm predictable and a simp

I'll stop here now because I'm afraid it's a lot already!! Thank you so much for asking! 💙

[ajdrawshq]

Riku for the character thing! (And Junpei? Maybe? I think that'd be interesting °•°)

!!!!!!!!!!! putting this under a cut bc i Cannot shut up abt these two in particular bless u

Riku

favorite thing about them: gayass (affectionate) the way that hes so devoted to his best friends that it can easily turn self destructive (or otherwise generally destructive) with one wrong turn is just So. Yes. also im stealing his gender

least favorite thing about them: i wouldnt say i Dislike this bc thematically it fucks but its funny that kh1 is basically just a chain of the worlds' worst decisions bc this poor dumbass doesnt know how to deal w his feelings for his besties. he went from playful teasing on the island to getting straight up possessed how the fuck do u do things this badly

brOTP: Riku n Terra, or any of the wayfinders tbh, and the novel trio (Riku Axel Naminé) OH AND REPLIKU OFC. let Riku be the big brother figure he always wanted to be and give him more friends im begging

favorite line: "at least the waves sound the same..." always hurts me,, he spent all that time trying to escape the islands, then avoided going back there to face everyone. and now when they have no way to get back, no way of knowing if theyll ever even leave this place, hes exhausted and in pain and just.. happy to have that one last reminder of home. ok i need tp go cry now ,

OTP: Sorikai!!! and any 2 of those 3 together, Soriku is obvious but Rikai is SO sweet i love them dearly. Rikuroku is also up there because its funny

nOTP: him with any adults??? and im not a fan of Namiku tbh

random headcanon: hes nearsighted n needs glasses but is too stubborn to get his eyes checked. it only got worse when he wore that blindfold for a whole year and his friends lovingly make fun of him for it (especially Repliku, who didnt inherit his shitty eyesight lmao). also hes demi

unpopular opinion: i do think theres something big/special going on with him but im not convinced its as.. deep? as a lot of people are theorizing but it IS kh so what do i know and i really dont think disney or squenix have the balls to make him canonly/explicitely gay

songs i associate with them: unsaid by flor, Leo by Eve, A Sadness Runs Through Him by The Hoosiers, and like. anything by Jaymes Young bc thats peak sad yearning music right there (ESPECIALLY MOONDUST. stripped version also. god.)

favorite picture of them: oh this one is easy. soft lil dude..

Junpei

favorite thing about them: he is literally just some guy. like the most just some guy character ever. he did NOT ask for any of this he just happened to be dragged into it for reasons he almost couldnt comprehend but were also completely unavoidable. he is ridiculously observant of his environment and other people. he absorbs information like a sponge, which is impressive considering hes a college student fighting for his life and id legit just shut down. he is rational, but tends to act based on emotion when it concerns someone else and at his core is a helpful n caring guy. his ability to joke in a life or death situation is also something between impressive, endearing and worrying. his ability to Very Easily manipulate people is even more worrying. if he werent generally a nice dude id be afraid of him. hes a walking bi disaster and i love that for him. i want to be his friend

least favorite thing about them: horny. also didnt he become an alcoholic or something in the next game is he ok

favorite line: lowkey tempted to list every quote from his wiki bc holy fuck this dude is funny but this one killed me

(although the "people liquid" bit that i do Not remember encountering is up there. and his bi awakening by the elevator)

brOTP: his interactions w like.. idk basically everyone in 999 is so so good but if i had to choose id go w him n Aoi, Snake, n Clover

OTP: i.. dont know what to put here other than Junepei?? i dont rly even ship him with people i just think he needs therapy right the fuck now. or that Carlos guy he flirts with in one of the other games (i think??)

nOTP: idek just the obvious stuff i guess??

random headcanon: that dude is Not neurotypical. i dont have any evidence or anything i just think hes neat and i relate too much to his whole "idk what im doing in life im just kinda here" thing. and the fact that he carries damn near every puzzle he encounters and the 999 puzzles make my brain go brrrrr. shooting him with my adhd beam

unpopular opinion: uhhh.. what counts as a popular opinion???? what is the general consensus on this guy. will say that im afraid to touch the other ze games bc of whatevers going on w him but thats the only thing i got here

song i associate with them: ive been thinking very hard abt this one for thr past few days and i actually cant find anything that clicks here which is. surprising. if u squint i guess some of the songs i put for Riku could fit tbh..

favorite picture of them: i wanted to put that one shot of him during the true end looking at the sudoku puzzle but then i found this concept art of him n .. it appeals to me

[aanakin]

Your blog got me into watching 9-1-1, I’ve watched 2 seasons in the past week! Do you have any fic recommendations?

Good, glad you’re enjoying the show! 😎

Okay, so, I’ve read quite a lot of buddie fics in the past two weeks since I binge watched 9-1-1. The rec list got a bit long, so I put it under keep reading. Enjoy! 💖

alternative universe:

I Didn't Know I Was Lonely 'Til I Saw Your Face by HMSLusitania | 10k | Total strangers Buck and Eddie go to couple's therapy together to get out of the therapy requirements their captains have placed on them.

Frequent Flyer by red_to_black | 13k | The one where Eddie is a firefighter, Buck isn't, and Eddie finds himself rescuing Buck from increasingly sticky situations. Sometimes literally.

Strike a Match by extasiswings | 13k | When Eddie Diaz from the 136 agrees to join one of the LAFD strike teams to provide wildfire assistance, he’s thinking about two things—overtime and hazard pay. The last thing he expects is Evan Buckley.

knight in shining armour by coupe_de_foudre | 2k | AU, married!Buddie | It’s funny how your day can go from a dream to a nightmare in the space of a second. But the moment that call came through - the moment they clambered into the truck and Bobby listed off the address they were headed - that’s when Buck’s whole life came crashing down around him. It’s his address.

getting together/canon divergence:

it's funny how they say when you find someone (heart speeds up, time slows down) by wafflesofdoom | 5.5k | The one where Eddie finds a no-nonsense therapist, confronts his feelings, and jumps off several metaphorical cliffs.

Love Language by red_to_black | 6.4K | Eddie's love language is acts of service, and Buck doesn't totally get it.

things we shouldn't do by Ingu | 21k | The one where Buck and Eddie accidentally get set up on a blind date with each other, and everything snowballs from there

last night (i woke the fuck up) by ariavederci | 5k | “So. I know you have the day off on Sunday.” Groaning, Buck let his head thump lightly against the wall. TK was fucking relentless. “No, TK. I already told you, I’m not gonna let you set me up with your friend.”

Nobody else I’d rather know by justhockey | 7.5k | Five times Eddie really knows Buck, and the one time Buck realises.

i'm begging for you (to take my hand) by sirencalls | 14k | the breakdown after 4x05 that Buck deserved to have.

Leave My Body by Pline | 23k | Buck dies but it's not the end. (Inspired by the movie It's a Wonderful Life)

Home Recovery by Clockwork_Mockingbird | 13k | Jinxed AU where Buck doesn't trip over anybody, does reach the rig right before Brian takes off, and then is taken for one hell of a ride that results in him recuperating at the Diaz household.

love doesn't discriminate by awashleyno | 10k | Buck gets tired and uses Eddie as a pillow.

it’s okay by itsmylifekay | 11k | Buck gets hurt on a call and doesn’t tell anyone.

a leaf falls on loneliness by iimpossible_things | Buck doesn’t think that if he were to say, “I’m in a bad place”, that anyone would turn him away. Really, he doesn’t. The 118 has too many good, kind people for that. But every time he wants to open his mouth, to say something, to reach out to Eddie or Bobby or Hen or Chim, he hears Eddie yelling, “you’re exhausting.”

what if i surrender (and give in) by chthonicheart | 9.9k | “'Hey, man'?” Eddie repeats, and the weight of disbelief in his tone is the only thing that drowns out the latent anger. “Really? Why the hell are you even here, Buck?”

the weekly bet (but the forever kind) by theleftboobgrabber | 49K | When the squad bets on how long it will take for Buck and Abby to get back together when she comes back to LA, Eddie is forced to reconsider keeping his feelings for Buck a secret.

everything you see (ain’t always what it seems) by autumnchills | 6K | Buck had never thought that his best friend would like him back, but at the end of their date night, he’s in for a rude awakening when he learns just how he ended up there with Eddie. Things only get more confusing when Eddie seems to be mad at him in the aftermath.

Left Unsaid by Clockwork_Mockingbird | 33k |  The discovery of a small facebook group full of tsunami survivors rocks station 118.

established relationship:

whatever you lack, i make up (we make a really good team) by wafflesofdoom | 10k | The one where buck and eddie find out about the 118's bet on their relationship and set out for some well deserved revenge - with athena's help, of course. and a seven-phase revenge plan.

5 times they introduce one another as 'husband' (+1 time someone else does) by coupe_de_foudre | 4.6k | Just buddie being dorky husbands showing each other off, what's not to love?

subtle as a brick in the small of my back by spinningincircles | 5.4k | Eddie’s proposing to Buck. The whole team finds out first. It goes about as well as expected (not well at all).

the most important mark to leave by thisissirius | 4.9k | “Dad, Buck’s not gonna say he wants a party. He doesn’t think you want a fuss.” Eddie is, apparently, a failure of a partner. “Buck—” “He told Abuela,” Chris says, matter-of-factly. “I wasn’t meant to hear but they thought I was sleeping. He knows you don’t like big celebration things unless they’re inside but he wants a backyard party. He wants fireworks because he thinks they’re cool and he never got them when he was as old as me. He also never got cake like I do. That’s really sad, Dad.”

I've Gotta Go by hideeho | 1.7k |  The team gets stuck on the side of the road. Bladders are tested and revelations are made.

[zoropookie]

Of course it's not really a similar context and mine might sound more stupid but this reminds me how the only friend I had in middle school was this toxic girl who did many things which I'm not going to fully explain as it would take a long time but some examples could be like me always comforting her and trying to find solutions to her problems meanwhile for me she'd just go "omf that is so sad...." And just stay there doing nothing, not that I expected it but I'd expect better comfort yk it's middle school we are all emotional at the time. My parents divorced at that time and they had a lot of financial issues which meant I had to be more careful with my money but I'd be willing to buy her things for her if she had anything missing. Someone threw her items to the trash? I'd buy wet wipes for her with all my allowance before cleaning them for her. She doesn't have lunch money? I'd give her like 75% of my food etc. She would also get offended if I gave her any positive criticism. She then went on to leave me to befriend my bully (who literally pushed me out of our still moving school bus when the driver opened the door because I was left standing all the time) and told me she must have had a reason to do it. Then they spent the entirety of the last semester hanging out together before ALSO befriending the one girl I was starting to get along with. It's been like 4-5 years since we last saw each other since I won the high school exam and went to a good one and JUST RECENTLY she texted me again like she didn't ignore my attempts at to meet again all that time. Didn't bother replying even though I did feel bad. I just don't wanna get my hopes up again yk

Just ignore and forget about them, do what you think will make you feel better pookie. Never give into people who just do as they please with you or keep you around just to have fun for a while before finally completely breaking off everything with you. If they start hanging out without you and seem contempt without you or ghost you like that, then don't even give them time you'll be more heartbroken that way. Unless there's something like an obligation or something where you guys have to work together for something, idk, just leave them to their own thing. Don't tire yourself out like that

-🌻anon

i’m so sorry that happened to you anon, i know a lot of people aren’t really remorseful when they do stuff like that but rest assured you never did anything wrong. i’m sure that you are a delight to be around, and you are a very good person to tolerate it. never compare your worth to those who can’t see it anyway

those friends were all i had from 17-22 lmaoooo. i was a shithead and part of me understands why they didn’t fw me anymore, i’m due for some serious therapy. but i also don’t think that things should have left unsaid for such a long time. my peace with it is admitting it was probably my fault and that i should just move on, but i don’t think i’ll be able to let myself get close to people

[dream-girls-evil]

Okay this post got very long and messy but!! Honestly can’t believe how sapphic the second episode of The Nevers was. Like they had this whole scene between Penance and Augie, trying to play up their potential romance, and yet the whole thing was really just there to set up Penance leaving the party alone so that she could be kidnapped by Maladie and the whole dynamic is literally full of classic villain-hero-love interest tropes!!! Not to mention Maladie herself being very queer-coded.

I’ll start with Maladie. She’s pretty overtly and inappropriately sexual, but the sapphic side of that is really highlighted in this ep. Her relationship with Bonfire Annie seems flirtatious at least, and there’s a noticeable fondness between them. Despite Maladie’s followers commenting that Annie doesn’t suppose their cause and is only there because she was hired, Maladie seems to care about pleasing her and keeping her around.

On Annie’s side, she certainly seems swayed by her boss’ affection. There’s no real insult when she tells Maladie that she’s being stupid, only warning. And I can’t imagine many other people could get away with saying something like that to Maladie like that anyway. When she stops Maladie from killing Amalia, we see the genuine shock on Maladie’s face and the apology on Annie’s. And yet the action isn’t, I don’t think, a betrayal—Annie’s intervention is what allows Maladie to run off before the cops can catch her.

Then, of course, we have her whole backstory with Amalia.

The whole premise of an “affliction” that upsets the way rich white men think things are supposed to be is broadly applicable to a lot of different societal conflicts, and several are even brought up directly: class conflict, race, women’s rights, neurodivergence. Maladie is a representative of the abuse that could occur, especially to women, under the guise of mental health treatment. And without knowing exactly what it was that Maladie suffered from originally and how much of her current mindset is a result of “treatment” for it, I was really struck by the potential sapphic interpretation.

It’s unclear exactly what happened between Amalia and Maladie. We know Amalia betrayed her trust by what sounds like exposing something about her, and that led to a young Sarah being taken away and having awful things done to her. Amalia says she didn’t have a choice, and Maladie says that’s because she had a mission, but I have to wonder whether that’s the truth or only what Maladie believes. If we consider it subjective, then the rest—trust broken, a secret revealed, sexual abuse by her doctors, the resulting strong religiosity—all really carry the tone someone being outed and subjected to conversion therapy.

As a result of this abuse, the young Sarah turns into a Maladie full of pain and betrayal who wants to hurt Amalia the way Amalia hurt her. And how does she do it?

“Yeah, but I’m not looking for her, I’m looking for her! The entire of her. The fuckin’ soul, eh?”

Maladie wants to strike at Amalia’s soul—something part of her, that completes her—and Annie gets her Penance. Because they’re supposed to be inseparable; this is presented as common knowledge.

It’s a common trope for a villain to kidnap the hero’s love interest and force them to choose between saving them and saving the city/the world/a bus full of school children/etc. Mary, in this scenario, clearly represents the latter, because she is their hope for reaching out to all the Touched. And it’s not to say that the most important relationship in Amalia’s life can’t be a purely platonic one, but I do think that if Amalia was a man, there would be little doubt in interpreting Penance as the love interest. Especially as the rest of the episode is filled with similar tropes.

We have Penance standing at Amalia’s bedside berating her for nearly dying. We have her looking tense and upset and Amalia reaching for her hand as she stands to leave. There’s a moment of hesitation and surprise as Penance looks from Amalia’s face to where her thumb is stroking Penance’s wrist, as if she’s debating, before she gives in and curls up against Amalia’s side. Yet the framing is one of familiarity in how their hands comfortably readjust and Penance smiles and finally breathes. It gives the sense that this is something they’ve done before, that Amalia knows Penance needs this to reassure herself that Amalia’s okay. It’s a scene mostly familiar as one we see in a lot of shows when someone gets seriously injured or sick and their significant other climbs into the hospital bed with them.

There’s a sense that Amalia is drawing comfort and strength from Penance’s closeness as well, preparing herself to admit the heavy shame of her role in Maladie’s history. But Penance stops her with the line “let’s just be alive for a while.�� It’s yet another common occurrence between hero and love interest, especially after the hero gets hurt—they want to push on or are still worrying about what happened and what comes next, and the love interest reminds them to be present or sometimes more forcefully tells them to stop, because they almost lost the hero but they didn’t and they just want to have them close while they can, before something else happens. And the hero gives in and just lies with their love.

It’s just...all so painfully obvious how this would be presented if it were a heterosexual couple, from Maladie’s anger that borders on scorn and bitterness about Amalia’s “new best friend” to Penance and Amalia’s dynamic throughout. How easy it is to imagine a more overt romantic tone and how naturally they could have segued into a love confession or emotional speech or kiss when Penance was sitting at Amalia’s bedside. And yet also having the subtext that’s so particular to queer relationships and characters: the ambiguity, the intensity, and all that’s communicated through touches and gazes but left unsaid.

[kyun-toast]

[MONSTA X] Changkyun - Happy Without Me

word count: 3.8k warnings: alcohol, suggestions of smoking, swearing, suggestions of sex summary: I don't think about you sometimes 'Cause I think about you all the time a/n: I’ve been listening to the All About Luv album a lot recently and Happy Without Me hit a little different the other day. I hope you don’t notice how I slacked off near the end 💜

“Yerim what are you wearing for tonight? I wanna look cute but not like ‘I’ve put effort in’ kinda cute, you know? Like I’m always this cute.”

Yerim laughed as she replied, “You’d look hot wearing a bin bag so shut up and let me know what drinks you want. It’s ‘bring your own booze’ so I was gonna run to the store for extra before we go.”

“Umm, vodka? Tequila? Maybe rum? I’m getting smashed tonight and you’re all going to carry me home, just letting you know.” Soobin winked and blew kisses at the both of you with a coy smile on her face, as some form of ‘thank you in advance’ for the troubles that you would be going through later that night. As much pain she put the both of you through, it was hard not to love her.

“Yeah, you say that as if that’s not what happens every week, you psycho.”

You smiled from the comfort of your sofa as you witnessed the two of your best friends bicker. You were never really one for parties, but you decided to let yourself go after an unfortunate night maybe five? six months ago. You thought that you could vent your frustrations into your notes app and be done with it, but your friends took pity and introduced you to another option. One where you could numb your mind with alcohol and crashing bass, and you figured that it was somewhat more enjoyable than cry-writing shitty poetry on a Friday night. Notes app therapy was now a thing of the past.

Changkyun had become such an integral part of your life that you couldn’t help yourself from unconsciously replaying memories that you had attempted to bury. A simple look at the most irrelevant objects would have him running through your mind before you could even stop yourself. Oh, we bought this mug together. You were surprised he hadn’t taken it with him when he left. It was his favourite mug to drink whiskey out of. Speaking of whiskey, you needed a drink. It had only taken days for him to make himself at home at the forefront of your thoughts but how long was it going to take to rid of him?

As much as you tried to keep those thoughts at bay, no amount of alcohol could ever stop them from crashing back over you whenever you saw that little smiley face appear at the top of your Instagram feed.

imnameim. When had he posted a story? You hadn’t seen the pink circle earlier. Would it be too early to look at it now? You couldn’t risk tapping on it only to see that it had been posted 12 seconds ago, just like you had done the other day. And the day before. And the day before that. Should you just make a burner account? No, that’s too far, we’re not going there today, bitch... Maybe tomorrow.

You hated how much power that tattoo face held over you, looking straight into your eyes - almost mockingly. Oh, did I look like a smiley face to you six months ago? Well, I’m a sad face now and that’s all you’re ever going to see.

“Y/N! Hey! You’re going to stare a hole into your phone.” Soobin clapped in your face, trying to get your attention. You looked up, softening your expression to meet Yerim’s eyes.

“Soobin was asking what you’re going to wear tonight.” Yerim said.

“I don’t know, probably that top I got yesterday?” you shrugged, unbothered by your friends’ question. You weren’t going to parties to impress anyone; you were going to drink the last of your braincells away.

“Y/N, ‘that top’ you got yesterday is a free t-shirt you got from the Domino’s pop-up stall on campus. I’m not letting you do this again.” Yerim dead panned.

“OK and...?” You met both of their concerned faces only to have them grab each of your arms.

“Come on. Up. That’s it.” You made unintelligible noises as they dragged you up off the sofa and into your closet. The thoughts about Changkyun’s story were left on the sofa as your mind was now filling with an excited buzz. “You act like you hate this, but I know you love getting trashed with us, Y/N.” Yerim laughed and you knew it too.

-

Changkyun lay in Jae-in’s bed, with her nestled in his chest as he looked up at the ceiling and sighed. Being careful not to wake her, he slowly squeezed his arm out from under her head to lay on his stomach to scroll through Instagram.

He had posted a story over an hour ago, half hoping that you’d see it – a cover of Dean’s Instagram. How ironic.

He shook his head at how pathetic his efforts seemed, whispering to himself, “What the hell are you doing?” He refreshed his feed for the last time to see that you had posted a video of the three of you dancing to a song in your walk-in closet. Probably drunk. Upon re-watching the video on loop for the third time, he concluded that you were most definitely drunk.

Seeing you having fun like this had him torn between being happy for you, moving on with your life and probably on to other men too. Being attractive plus the endless number of parties you went to now was just the perfect recipe. You were bound to have found someone.

And this is where the hatred washed over him. He despised it. Hated seeing you have fun without him, moving on as if he had never existed. Was it that easy for you to just forget? It seemed unfair that he was still struggling to keep you off his mind while you were out having the time of your life, letting your followers know of that fact too.

Deep down, he knew that he wasn’t happy for you at all. He was just trying to kid himself into thinking that he was. Be mature and everything. That was what both of you had agreed to be when your relationship came to an end. After days of what could probably be called a verbal equivalent of a nuclear war, the two of you had given up.

Crying, shouting, complete silence, you had done it all and there was no end in sight. On day three of radio silence, you felt as if you could do without speaking to Changkyun at all. When you brought it up, he admitted he felt the same. Exhaustion making both of you devoid of any emotion, you agreed to disagree and act like the fight had never happened. You were tired and wanted nothing more to do with it. Or each other. Thinking of yourselves as somewhat grown, you decided to be civil since you were in the same circle of friends, not wanting to burden them with any of your problems.

With so many things left unsaid and ties still loose, there was no way that you could just cut clean. But you never so much as bumped into each other since.

You hadn’t blocked each other though, as you both felt that it was some sign of weakness. Yeah, I’m tough enough to keep them on my socials. They don’t bother me. Not at all. But in the small hours of the morning, you were on each other’s profiles, hoping for a glimpse of what they were up to. Wondering if he had finished that song he was working on. If you were eating well. If he was really seeing Jae-in seriously. If you were well and truly happy.

“Hey, how are you doing?”

Y/N’s doing just fine for themselves, everyone can see that.

“Did you finish that essay?”

No, that’s too random.

“I think about you all the time.”

Shut up Changkyun.

Though you had both agreed to be ‘friends’, there was no easy way in going about messaging one another when you had fought so explosively. Changkyun also felt that he had missed the right timeframe for him to salvage whatever there was left of the relationship. Whether it be platonic or romantic. No matter how much he wanted to message you, his pride falsely masked as maturity stopped him from ever doing more than wish for you to call him and say that everything was going to be ok. That you can start over.

“Do you wanna go to Minhyuk’s house party?” Jae-in’s voice was heavy with sleep, squinting her eyes at the bright screen of her phone. Changkyun was startled from his thoughts, not realising that she had been woken up by a text.

“House party…?” Changkyun was dubious.

“It’s ok if you don’t want to, it’s just that we don’t ever do anything besides fuck, and I thought we could do with a change of scenery.”

“I mean yeah it’s just that we’ve never hung out with other people before. Like together.”

He had met Jae-in at a bar a few months ago. Holed up in his studio after the breakup, Changkyun got to channelling his anger into working on his music until his course mate Minhyuk persuaded him out for drinks. Minhyuk had flirted with the girls from the table over to get them to join in on the pity party. Jae-in had seated herself next to Changkyun and a few drinks later, they had quickly bonded over their childhood obsession with Death Note to which she followed up with an invitation to watch it at her place. Who was Kyun to reject? With all this pent-up energy to spare, music wasn’t quite cutting it.  

“I doubt anyone will care that we arrived together.” Jae-in shrugged. “Let’s go.”

-

“Yeah, I invited Jae-in and I think Changkyun might come with her too.” Minhyuk stated nonchalantly over the phone. You choked on your wine and thanked God that the music in your room was loud enough to cover the unnatural sound you had just made. “Y/N, is that ok? I should have asked you befo-”

“No, I don’t care.” You replied a little too quickly, “It’s been months and we broke up on good terms anyway, remember?”

“MINNIE! I MISS YOU!” Soobin drunkenly shouted across the room as Yerim held her back from throwing herself at the phone.

“I MISS YOUR FACE TOO, BINNIE! I’LL SEE YOU LATER!” Minhyuk chuckled as he didn’t hesitate to match her volume through the phone.

“Ugh, you two make me sick”, Yerim rolled her eyes, “You literally saw each other this morning. Just get together already.”

As Soobin and Minhyuk continued to chat, engulfed in their own little world, you reached to grab another drink. If Minhyuk’s predictions were right, you were going to need something stronger than wine to get you through the night.

-

Stepping into Minhyuk’s apartment, Changkyun could feel the bass rumble underneath his feet already.

“Hey! You made it! I thought you guys weren’t going to come, it’s so late! But we have drinks and snacks in the kitchen. Oh, and Jae-in, the bathrooms just through the hallway on the right…” Minhyuk’s voice trailed off into the loud music. Changkyun followed behind Jae-in as his friend gave the newcomer a guided tour of his place.

Though he was familiar with the apartment, it felt a little weird for him to walk through it with someone else by his side. A pack of cards strewn over the floor jogged his memory back to a particularly warm night in June. With the sun just beginning to rise, you both stood below Minhyuk’s balcony at 4am. You shouted,

“HEY MINHYUK, WE’RE GOING TO PLAY UNO AT YOUR PLACE, D’YOU WANNA JOIN?”

“THOUGHT WE’D ASK IN CASE YOU’D FEEL LEFT OUT.” Changkyun added. You both snickered as Minhyuk opened his window to shout back at you, regretting that he had ever given you two the spare keys to his apartment.

“ARE YOU REALLY INVITING ME TO PLAY CARDS MY OWN HOUSE RIGHT NOW?!” Birds fluttered away startled, as a neighbouring window flashed on a light in annoyance. Your shouting combined could never top the sheer volume of Minhyuk’s voice. Changkyun grabbed your hand as you ran into the building laughing before the neighbour could join in on the screaming match.

With classes finished for the year, you had what felt like an infinite amount of time on your hands. Kyun smiled to himself as he was reminded of those summer nights that he had spent with you. Stargazing, pillow talking, daydreaming on repeat.

“Yeah, so you can get to the outdoor space through the living room but I’m giving you special access to my little balcony through my room because you’re uh, Changkyun’s friend.” Minhyuk grinned as he ended his tour.

Upon entering the actual party in the lounge, Changkyun stopped in his tracks at the sight of you on the other side of the room. For a moment, the smoke in the room seemed to clear as his eyes trained on you throw your head back in laughter at Yerim’s animated storytelling. Hearing your voice so crystal clear made his heart swell with something that he couldn’t quite put into words. Half a year had passed since he had last seen you, sat broken on the floor of your apartment, explaining that it would be best to part ways. You had looked so drained of emotion then; it was such a stark contrast to what he was seeing now. He stood frozen, heart beating hard against his chest like a hammer.

“Kyun! Why are you so late?” Wonho, another friend of Kyun’s appeared out of nowhere with a bottle of tequila in his hand. “You gotta catch up on the drinks now, come on, open your mouth.” Wonho went to grab his face with one hand as he proceeded to try and pour some alcohol into his mouth jokingly. Changkyun chuckled as he play-fought with Wonho only to stop midway when he noticed Jae-in smiling at the sight.

“Oh, this is my friend Jae-in.” Kyun straightened up and brushed off his clothes.

Wonho went to shake her hand as Minhyuk snuck up behind him.

"Yeah, friend.” He giggled as he raised his brows suggestively and left as quickly as he appeared shouting, “Binnie! Where are you? We gotta go make those s’mores you wanted!”

Changkyun rolled his eyes and smiled as he guided Jae-in to the nearest table of drinks and set to introducing her to the rest of his friends, hoping that you wouldn’t notice him.

-

At this point, the three of you were beyond gone. Soobin had already passed out with a s’more in her hand as Minhyuk hauled her over his shoulder to put her to sleep in the guest room.

“And she.. she was telling me to sythensi.. she was telling me thynsenise, no, synsi.. she wanted me to synthesise, there we go, snythi…” Yerim tripped over words, dead set on getting her pronunciation right while Hyungwon sat and nodded with his signature painful smile on his face. She was determined, hand on his shoulder with a grip that let him know he wasn’t going anywhere until she had finished her story.

As for you? You were sat next to Yerim, a vacant smile on your face as you struggled to keep your eyes open. Day drinking followed up with a house party in the evening really wasn’t the best idea for the lightweights that you are but there you were, listening to your friend repeat the same sentence over and over again. An urgent voice in your head piped up, letting you know that you should probably go for a breath of fresh air.

“Yerim, hey, Yerim, I’m.. going for some air… stay with Hyungwon okay? Hyungwon, call me if anything happens?” You stood up, struggling to find your balance and teetered across the room to get to Minhyuk’s balcony.

The thing about you is that you are one of those blessed people that can sober up as quickly as they get smashed. You felt refreshed, taking in a deep breath as if to cleanse your alcohol ridden bloodstreams with the cool evening air. Your head still spun a little but as long as you kept your eyes anchored on the moon, you’d be fine in no time.

As much as your body needed a break from the party, it wasn’t the greatest timing for your mental state. Once you had assumed that Changkyun wasn’t coming to the party, you let go of the anxiety holding you back from enjoying yourself. You had been overstimulated from the alcohol, music, and people, not giving yourself a chance to think about anything else. But once those factors were gone, it was just you, alone with your drunken thoughts on a balcony looking up at the moon. And just like that, those suppressed memories regarding a certain boy couldn’t help but unpack themselves from your unconscious. Oh man, this was going to be such a good cry.

-

Changkyun was beginning to feel a little too tipsy for his liking. Though he was having a great time, it felt as if he wasn’t entirely present at the scene, like he was watching and laughing along through a TV screen. He slipped away from the kitchen island to get a breather.

“Oh shit, sorry, I didn’t realise anyone was here.” He apologised, going to close the door of Minhyuk’s balcony to a figure hunched over the railing. You looked up from your hands at him and tried to focus on the blurry face.

His movements faltered when your eyes met, door still open. Just one look at you was enough for that knock back into reality Changkyun had needed. God were you a sight for sore eyes. He drank up the way your cheeks and nose were flushed pink, how your eyes were glossy in the moonlight, eyelashes thick with tears, and the way the softly coloured city lights behind you framed your face. With the night air stained with your perfume and the sounds of muted traffic perfecting the scene, he had never felt so in the present until now. He wanted this moment to last a lifetime.

“Changkyun?” You replied, as you wiped your eyes clear of the tears blurring your vision. You could tell that voice apart anywhere, you only questioned in the slight chance that you were just hallucinating, going insane.

“Are you ok? I can leave if you want, I-” He began hurriedly, knowing that you hated having anyone see you cry.

“I’m fine.” You sniffed.

“Bad day?” He asked softly, bringing himself to stand next to you, looking over at the cityscape.

“Yeah, something like that.” You replied, letting out a small laugh as you wiped the last of the tears from your face. 

Tension hung so thick in the air you could feel it weigh down on your shoulders. Changkyun hated that you, the person he had once shared the deepest parts of his mind with, was someone he was now so uncomfortable with.

You both stood there awhile, looking out at the blinking lights of the cityscape. As quiet as it was, you could almost hear the sound of your brains whirring, going back and forth over whether or not you should say something to break the silence. Changkyun had spent months thinking of questions he wanted to ask you for when this moment came, but the alcohol and nerves fogged up his mind. All he could think of doing was holding you in his arms, hoping for you to be able to feel his apologies, sincerity and promises through the beating of his chest.

A heavy pressing in your lungs only intensified, as you thought about how the present situation had become the outcome of those few perfect years. You regulated your breathing, trying to break down the lump from coming up in your throat, on the verge of tears again. Thinking back, you realised that you probably could have been a little more understanding, could have softened your sharp words, could have opened your heart up some more to allow for Changkyun to do so in return. These thoughts and emotions bubbled up inside your chest to spill out of your mouth before you even knew what you wanted to say.

“Changkyun, I-”

“I found a really nice place for nights like this. Y/N.” he cut across with an anxious tremble in his voice. He could feel the apology ready to tumble from your lips, he had to stop you from apologising for things that you really didn’t need to. He hated that your heart was so big and so loving that you were willing to start trying to mend this relationship first. But he hated himself more for not having the courage to try to be even half as loving as you are.

He continued, still looking out over the balcony, worried that he’d start to tear up if he met your eyes again, “you can see the stars so clearly, it’s insane.”

You turned to him, tears welling in your eyes again. Despite having cut each other from your lives for what felt like a lifetime, it broke you how he could still read you like his favourite book.

“Can we go? Y/N? I’ve waited so long to show you.”

Hot tears fell down your cheeks again as Changkyun noticed and turned to you, pulling you into his chest as you cried out the mess of emotions you had amassed. 

The person you had wanted to talk about your breakup with Changkyun the most, was so ironically Changkyun. He’d know how to calm you down, how to sort out your problems with ice cream in bed like any other issue you were facing. But what were you supposed to do when you had cut the one who understood you the most so bluntly from your life? Who were you supposed to turn to when you wanted to talk about that?

Your cries pierced into his heart deeper with every second that passed, feeling the hurt in your voice in the deepest parts of his soul. He replied by holding you tighter, and you could feel all those things he left unsaid that day you left in the warmth of his chest.

“We don’t have to rush,” He whispered into your hair, “I have all the time in the world for you. Let it out.”

He brought a hand up from your shoulders hesitantly, feeling almost undeserving of comforting you after the pain he had caused you. But to you, his hand stroking your hair was where you found your solace.

So, there you stood, in each other’s arms having poured out your hearts to one another without having said a single word. But you both knew that you felt every single one.