#it's the ppl that disguise it as 'concern' and 'care'

[homunculusalphonse]

fatphobia under the guise of "concern" for one's health is still shitty, regardless of "good" intentions.

[jennibeultimate]

I dont think a lot of the hate online is even actually about varfolomeevs scores lol, people are just angry because their faves didnt win gold and she did, It happens in a lot of sports (see the mess that followed the figure skating in the last olympics for example.. or even the averinas not winning the olympics..) Winning 4 gold medals at the world championships whilst still just 16 is an absolutely amazing achievement, im so happy for her :)

I wholeheartedly agree.

Imo those kind of "Scoring discussions" are often just disguised hatred. It gives you a "perfectly valid" reason to not appear as a hater but as a "concerned" fan. Don't get me wrong there is a way to express valid criticism of scores, but a simple "she's overscored" or "she doesn't deserve her scores" is hardly any constructive criticism. And again taking it out on the athletes who aren't at fault for the scoring is hardly justified.

Everyone will have their faves and everyone is allowed to have different opinions on how the result should look like and admittedly there are a lot of issues in human judged sports BUT it's still no reason to make nasty comments towards an athlete and in the end none of us fans is a judge and most fans don't even know how the judging works.

DARJA DID AN AMAZING JOB AND DESERVED HER WINS!

I remember vividly the discussion around Dina vs Linoy and still even just this week there are still numerous ppl claiming that Dina deserved to win. What I think is even more extreme in this case, is that it wasn't even just fans who made nasty comments towards Linoy but the Russian fed and Viner presenting themselves as victims.

And don't even get me started on figure skating. (the fandom I am most active in) The aftermath in the fandom was an utter joke how ppl tried to invalidate Nathan Chen's win though he was having two almost clean skates and the highest difficulty. I am not even his fan, but all of the rescoring to just justify the own hatred was mind boggling. Anyone remembers the twt account that pretended to be a judge and turned out it was just a hater? That was wild. Or in ladies with the doping case and yet still the Russians keep on playing the victim even until this day...and Trusova's tantrum before the medal ceremony...and the "care for scoring" is always the reason that "legitimates" fans results...it's always the same pattern...it would be funny if it wouldn't lead to harm athletes irl in some cases...

[fenbeau]

Seriously tho the union worship posts cracker “communists” on here make while simultaneously demeaning community is so fucking blatantly racist. “In my experience community organizing is really elitist and I had a bad experience the one (fake) time I tried to be involved in one so you should actually ONLY support/get into unions bc it’s the better option. Yea sure there will be ppl you don’t agree with in the union but at least I’m getting paid to give a shit abt other but mostly I’m just worried abt myself.” Yea like you’re going to experience the same plethora of weird complicated ppl in community groups but fuck them bc you’re not being compensated. Also in my experience, a lot of community organizations are run by black women but fuck them right bc you insecure white ppl who are more concerned with ppl liking you immediately instead of respecting nonwhite ppls valid caution towards you. It’s fucking racist individualist bullshit disguised as “care” bc look! I’m promoting unions! I care abt ppls ability to Get Money! Bc IM IN ONE! ME! I’m benefiting!

[tealchameleon]

It seems the issue rn is that people think that unless the candidate is 110% perfect in every way than it is morally wrong to vote for them/endorse them. Not at all considering the nuance and factors that are going into this election (the electoral college, our stupid two party system, the threat of project 2025, etc). Believe me Biden is not my favorite and I’d give anything to see a third party/socialist president but the way our two party shit works, it is just NOT possible during this election cycle. We need to stop clinging to that fucking fantasy and work with what we have while we can before it’s too late. Anything besides that is laziness disguised as activism and moral outrage.

And abstaining from voting altogether bc you wanna throw a fit about the options not being good enough for you; you are the WORST kind of person there is. You say you care so deeply about these issues that unless someone ticks off every little box of yours, you’re not going to involve yourself at all?? How on earth does that make ANY sense?? If you give a fuck about anything at all you would vote for the candidate that is most likely to win and also not start the Dark Ages 2 like trump will. And I don’t care what the fuck y’all say, any vote not for Biden (or not casted at all) is a vote FOR TRUMP. Republicans know this and believe me they fucking show up to the polls. The two party system does not give a fuck about your moral outrage, and while you stand back and fuss over Biden not being perfect, you are deliberately allowing trump to take the presidency. So not only are you not helping at all but you are also actively hurting the ppl you claim to stand for. It truly baffles me as to how so many of y’all think this is a legitimate act of political protest and not just… throwing a pointless and silent temper tantrum that will ultimately lead to many many people dying under Trump? HOW is that in any way better than voting for a man who may not be perfect but is still doing a lot for us???

BUT if we continue to push Biden left as we have been, we can show future candidates that America is ready for more leftist leaders. If you want to see leftist candidates in office then THAT is how you get them. Not by pitching a fit about it in the middle of the goddamn election or refusing to participate altogether. Just because you don’t like him as he is now doesn’t mean he can’t be pushed further left with more pressure from his constituents, another factor I think a lot of people are ignoring.

The solution is not going to perfect. Biden is not perfect. But millions of lives are at stake here and one man is obviously much better than the other, anyone saying they are on the same level is full of shit. Not perfect is better than nothing at all and descending into project 2025. But if you are the type of person that will not accept a solution unless it is entirely perfect for you, then you cannot pretend you actually give a shit about anyone these policies will affect bc we all know you really don’t, you’re more concerned about standing on your soapbox and telling everyone how enlightened you are by not voting for Biden. Meanwhile the support you could’ve given to Biden to protect the people you claim to care for, goes directly to trump.

I’m so tired.

So weird thing I'm noticing is that almost all of the people arguing with me on my "please vote" post have profiles saying they're trans.

But, like, I know a lot of trans people in real life. I'm nonbinary. A lot of my closest friends are also in the trans community. All of them are planning on voting for Biden.

Maybe it's just because we're all older -- and we all remember 2016.

Maybe.

But, like, if any of you are who you say you are, I beg of you -- please understand that things are going to get so much worse under Trump. Right now we're fighting at the state level in a lot of places, and activism needs to be focused there. But if we lose the White House, it's going to start coming from the Federal government too, and it's going to be so much harder.

It's just exhausting sometimes.

[everythingsinred]

not about ga but I wanted to know if you have ever found yourself blocked and you have never interacted with that person before?

yeah i'm sure i have. i don't really remember any specific incident, and that's because i don't really care if someone i don't know doesn't like my blog for whatever reason.

it's honestly not a big deal. i myself block pretty liberally in the interest of keeping my tumblr experience as tolerable as possible. i stopped using social media as much and tumblr is really the only site i'm still using, and i'm uninterested in seeing content i don't like for the little time i spend on here. if i dont like a post that's been showing up on my dash, ill block op so that post and others like it don't show up anymore. if a take even mildly annoys me i'll probably block. personally, i have a couple of automatic block criteria that i don't even have to think about:

on a very serious level, if op is in any way a balkan-area nationalist i block. that's incredibly personal to me and not worth keeping someone around for. it's different from other fundamentalist and nationalistic causes to me bc i can recognize it rly easily but ppl i follow might not be as good at it. i've actually unfollowed people for reblogging too much from those blogs, who sometimes disguise themselves as comedian blogs. the meme is not funny to me if op celebrates dead children and war crimes (pro-tip, in general stay away from ppl who have a country flag as their profile pic w/ very few exceptions lol). i don't really see american or other nationalists on my dash so it's not something i concern myself with.

on a much different and less serious level, since i'm following the GA tag, if someone posts something i don't like (especially natsume hate) then i will block. i check that tag everyday and the fandom is too small for voices like that to get drowned out so i clean the tag for myself to not have to look at that nonsense. even if someone is just passing through, if they share a take on the tag that i don't like, they're gone.

if you've recently found out someone has blocked you and you've never interacted with them before, honestly it's okay. you don't know this person and they don't really know you. it could be over something as simple as a difference of opinion over fandom or they mistook you for someone else or something else. just shrug it off and move on. i would not recommend asking them WHY you were blocked or attempting to pursue further contact. if you never contacted them before, why should you start now?

this happens all the time, anon. social media and especially tumblr is subject to a high level of curating. people mold their own spaces and blocking is something i would VERY MUCH recommend as opposed to starting pointless arguments or even just allowing your social media space to become unpleasant. once i started blocking liberally, even over tiny things, i noticed i was a lot less annoyed using this site. things don't bother me as much anymore. it's just tumblr. it's not real life. it doesn't matter.

[thenwhokilledtheworld]

I read your post about SaB and D4rklina and is so on point! And this will be LONG but it’s so weird that people wants to ignore the twisted way he manipulated Alina. When I read the books and even watching the series you can tell the manipulation was strong and he was using all of Alina’s weak points. He knew Alina was an insecure girl with strong need of attention and gave her exactly that. In the books is even worst because he intentionally kisses her and ignored for weeks so she could wonder about it and then was easier to manipulate her later when bringing up the amplifiers. He intentionally wanted to isolate Alina from the other grishas (the same way he did to Genya by not giving her a colored kefta, to remind her she’s only a servant). Let alone how he intentionally isolated her from Mal because he knew her holding up hope for him was interfering with his plans. It was actually joyful to see Alina come to the realization that she’s was being played with and doing everything she can to stop him.

I could understand people feeling attracted to that ship before the big reveal on book 1, but it’s crazy to me how after he basically slaved her and removed her agency of her own power there’s still people twisting this ship into a romantic pair. And the 2nd book is even worst, he used their shared power to torture her, to invade her mind — he literally sexually assaults her. He blinded his own mother and mutilated Genya. And then on book 3 he proudly admits it to wanting to sleep with her under the disguise of someone else (Mal). He even asks her is Mal has 'claimed her' yet as if she was a possession. This is a character that has not redemption and truly doesn’t care about Alina. It’s sick and shippers can say they know reality from fiction all they want but the way they go to lengths to twist this character/dynamic is worrisome, because you know they can also do it in real life. Plus, it also concerns me how many drklina shippers are on their 30s and are always talking about Alina's sexual life (completely ignoring she was groomed and sexually assaulted) — people that have access to minors online.

ppl make fun of high school english classes for asking obvious questions but the level of reading comprehension in this world...,,,,,,,, imagine being leigh bardugo and artfully writing a relationship based on your own past abuse only for everybody to think exclusively with their pussies about it

[mariposakitten]

Uggghhhhh, the points @mad-gremlin is making would be so much more effective if they weren't... wrong?? About so much?

Like. Plenty of people have talked about their unease with the trans character in Hogwarts Legacy and the way she was named, not to mention that one of the game's lead designers ran an alt-right YouTube channel and the plot was barely-disguised antisemitism. Citing that game, of all things, as an example of diversity and improvement, just sounds like you haven't been listening to the conversation about this issue or taking the people who raised concerns seriously.

Or the repeated hopes that the show will "fix all the problems." It can't. It literally can't, because the problems are in the real world. The show could be the most perfect social justice paradise the world has ever seen, and it would still be unethical to support it. Because supporting it and watching it (legally, at least) gives money to JKR, and she is going to take that money and give it to causes and politicians that will hurt trans people. If you don't want to materially contribute to anti-trans laws, you cannot ethically support the show.

But the thing is, I actually don't agree with the popular sentiment that it's wrong to still like or care about HP in any way. You can reread your old books, you can draw your fanart and write your fanfic and whatever. I don't even really care if you pirate the show. Thoughtcrime isn't real and the heart wants what it wants, idc. Do whatever you want in your own imagination. Just don't give, directly or indirectly, a single red cent to JKR, because you know what she'll do with it.

("She's said she considers liking HP to mean you also support her views!" Okay? I genuinely could not care less. If she thinks me reading the occasional drarry soulmate AU fic on AO3 constitutes support for her bullshit, she's entitled to her wrong opinion. I'm not worried about "empowering" her because she's already "empowered" by her nasty little terf echo chamber.)

Also, OP's post is... mmm. Not good. Setting aside the casual ableism of mocking people for reading at a low level and comparing it to eating kid cuisine every day (seriously, how many times must we have the discourse about not shaming people for their food choices? "I will shame your reading choices by comparing them to childish food choices, implying that both are shameful and should be mocked!" Not a good look!), how effective do ppl genuinely think that's gonna be??

Be real now. If you posted about something you love, and someone else comes up like "ha ha, you're a stupid baby for liking that, goo goo gaa gaa, I bet you still eat chikie nuggies and mac and cheese," would you think to yourself "oh no, this thing I love is childish and embarrassing, I should stop talking about it immediately"?

Or would you think "wow, that dude is an immature dick, good thing the block feature exists" and move on with your life?

Yeah. Exactly. Acting like the worst caricature of a schoolyard bully isn't going to do your cause any favors.

i agree it's tactically sound to reframe harry potter as a Loser Brand for Losers, since all the transphobia clearly isn't slowing its fanbase down. they don't feel guilt, the consumerism patches over it, so instead... make the consumption painful, shameful. treat it like Ghostbusters: a franchise doddering into the senior home, while its fans slobber for a new movie to turn them young again

like relentlessly. always talk about HP in the context of manchildren refusing to let go of their fifth grade level reading. talk about it like it's got the literary complexity of a crossword puzzle. treat them like they're eating kid cuisine every meal of the day. baby like their baby book? gonna watch the spooky wizard show? that's nice sweetie, but the bills and the kids and the rest of the world are waiting for you, whenever you feel like changing out of your pajamas

[antiloreolympus]

6 Anti LO Asks

1. Artist here: that pay Rachel is offering is in fact underpaying, especially considering how much inks and flats actually make up of the final product and how, according to her, 20 panels is a third of an entire episode. I’m not dunking on her for needing help, but she is clearly undervaluing her assistants, especially when she will see all the profits, not them for doing the bulk of her work. That’s not fair and is predatory for Rachel to take advantage of her young fans’ worship of her to get cheap work that only she benefits from. I really expected better from her. 

2. To add to the art discourse, the people saying it’d only take “30-45 minutes” are not realizing the work would be done by someone who is not used to working in Rachel’s style (or lack thereof) meaning they aren’t used to her workflow and thus there will be a learning curve, meaning the actual time would likely be longer, especially when its on a time crunch and not fiat colors and inks are the bulk of the actual work. More so, she confirms LO eps are only 60 panels, then that one person has to do 1/3rd of the entire episode. That’s a bad look no matter how you cut it. 

3. am i the only one who is looking at this discourse and just being concerned her team has such a high turnover rate and theyre working on such a time crunch? like a big turnover rate can explain why the art looks even worse now, but the time?? girl please take some actual time off and make a backlog instead of asking for cheap, rushed work from ppl who dont know how to emulate ur style the week of. no wonder the end product looks like that?? she seems stressed and burned out, tbh.

4. i dont think the issue is rachel needs help (tho the fact she has a 5+ person team its like ??? ma'am what do you do exactly) but i dont really get how other people are just kissing up to her like I GET PAID EVEN WORSE THIS IS GOOD PAY like??? no?? use this situation to demand better pay and conditions?? because lets be real here rachel is easily making more than all her art team combined so like, dont excuse her actions, demand both her team AND yourselves get better pay.

5. ngl the best part of the pay debate is ppl trying to defend her by being like its supposed to look rushed and flat!! like no its not??? ive seen many other webtoons who only have one or two ppl working on it and its light years better than what LO produces on a whole art team. also isnt that insulting her lmao. like its SUPPOSED to look awful with no effort put into it!! how is that a defense lmao, it just seems like dunking on her for her bad final product disguised as a "gotcha" statement 💀

6. really not a fan of the webtoon creators being like "youre jus JEALOUS!!" when its like?? i want every webtoonist to be paid well, i dont give a shit rachel makes more money off fast pass and books, who cares, i just want everyone on webtoons to get a living wage and benefits, not hoping the marketing team pumps a bunch of ads for them like they do for rachel. rachel herself should be advocating for them getting better too, not having them resort to "my haters" defense to appease her ego.

[cunaeparker]

Ok now BLURB request lol I messed up last time😳 night time beach trip with peter maybe on a school trip to the beach and u sneak out together to just hang on the boardwalk and it’s fluffyyyy and maybe smut??

ofc bby!!! thanks for actually requesting smthn - most ppl don't lol - i appreciate it :)

***

im currently taking requests for those of you that don’t know, so feel free to send stuff in. this work is cheesy and cliche but i kind of like it and hope you guys do too !

MY MASTERLIST 

Word Count: 1.8k

Summary: its late, the beach looks weirdly inviting, and peter’s overly concerned for your wellbeing 

***

Blue Lips & Boardwalk Bliss

It started off simple enough.

You proposed something simple, and though there were some protests from the chaperones, the outcome was unanimous — the rest of the seniors wanted to do something fun on the last night of their senior trip.

Of course, given the situation two years ago in Europe, you weren't necessarily allowed to do anything explicitly outrageous because ever since the whole fiasco that threatened the classes' lives, Mr. Harrington and Mr. Dell were keeping close and weary tabs on everyone.

Everyone. At all times.

You couldn't go to the bathroom without a proclaimed 'potty partner,' and MJ nearly peed herself with laughter every time you grudgingly asked her to come along with you and stand outside the stall.

You understood why they were so anxious about you leaving, so it only made sense when they quickly prohibited you and some of your friends from leaving the hotel — a nice spot on the water at Cape Cod — and claimed that if another student died there would be too much paperwork.

Mr. Dell even went as far as to threaten witches if any of you even thought about leaving.

So, simply, you weren't allowed.

But of course, you didn't listen.

An act of rebellion would make the fun thing all the better.

Which is maybe why you found yourself walking on the splintered wood of the deserted boardwalk with Peter Parker a good three hours later.

The sun was long gone, and you could happily say you witnessed it going down — you snuck out a mere fifteen minutes ago at the time, and the orange and gold dowsing you and your accomplice and in warm light was stunning — but now, stars were strewn over the black sky, waves were crashing soundly onto the shore just metres away, and galaxies were prominent against the blackness.

Tones of purple and blue and other ethereal shades you couldn't put your finger on glowed in your eyes, and right then and there is when you realized something simple; you couldn't have been happier with your decision to sneak out.

It was a blessing in disguise, given Mr. Dell didn't assume your disappearances to be the work of witches.

You smiled to yourself at the thought, shoving your hands deeper into your hoodie pockets.

"Are you cold?"

The voice startled you, having forgot that Peter was there.

"No, not really," you replied, shaking your head. "I'm just thinking."

Peter hummed and kicked a small pebble. "Yeah. You're unusually quiet right now and it's scaring me."

You smirked. "It's scaring you?"

Peter nodded.

"Oh, come off it," you laughed, "I'm not scary."

Peter raised an eyebrow, eyes wandering over you. He frowned for a moment before reaching over to pluck a piece of pine straw from your hair, smirking when you rolled your eyes.

"You were the one time Flash called you incompetent," he pointed out, stopping his walking fully to pick out the pieces of sand and leaves in your knotted hair. It was knotted in the first place thanks to lounging on the beach before you went for a nighttime stroll, but you still couldn't help the small whine of protest that left your lips.

Peter shot you a look and shook his head, tugging on a particularly wound up piece of something that was wound around a thick strand.

"Need me to be more careful, princess?"

You scoffed. "You're the one who started picking at my hair like a monkey, my sweet prince."

Peter didn't reply and bit his lip, focusing on something he couldn't get out before backing up with an exhale and a small smirk.

"I'm done now." His voice was serious though his tone was amused. "I'm sorry for looking out for you."

"Reverse psych isn't going to work on me, Parker."

Peter had the audacity to look upset. "Darn."

You suppressed a snort and rolled your eyes, shoving your hands deeper into the front pocket of your — well, Peter's — blue Midtown hoodie. It was large on you, comfortable, and lined with fuzzy material. It was bright blue, your favourite colour, and if it wasn't so poorly insulated you would've loved it --- but the only thing you didn't like about it was its ability to keep you warm.

The cool sea breeze mixed with the night weather was a little frigid.

Little wisps of frosty breaths emitted from your lips and you wrapped your arms around yourself, shivering as you continued walking forward.

"You said you weren't cold," Peter said suddenly, brown eyes narrowing.

You opened your mouth to protest, ignoring how your pulse quickened slightly because he caught you in a lie, but you shut it when you couldn't come up with anything.

"I..." you trailed off, but your teeth chattered involuntarily. You nearly cursed.

Chuckling weakly and shrinking into the hoodie, you earned a sharper look from Peter that definitely did not help your case.

His eyebrows furrowed into an even deeper line and he ignored your pitiful laugh.

"You're cold, aren't you?"

It was a statement, not a question.

Then suddenly, Peter leaned forward towards you with stern eyes, halting your walking and gripping you by the shoulders. He peered into your face for a second, making you slightly uncomfortable with the close proximity he was doing it at, but you didn't say anything — or at least until his eyes widened and his grip became firmer, causing you to tense.

"Your lips are blue, Y/N!" His mouth fell open as if scandalized. "Your cheeks look blue too — is that even possible? Uh, here," he thrust forward his hand, shaking it and holding his palm open, "take my hand, it's super warm."

"Peter," you said with a small laugh, pushing his hand away. "I don't need that. I'm fine. Thanks, though, I really mean it."

You offered him another smile, but when your teeth chattered again Peter looked like he was going to cry.

"We need to get you something warm," Peter said with a frown, straightening and craning his neck around the boardwalk as if he was going to find a sign that said 'Al's Ski Gloves and Warming Packets, only $3.99!' in the dead of summer.

"Peter," you repeated, more sternly this time, grabbing his jaw and pulling him down to look at you. His eyes looked conflicted and worried and you wouldn't be lying if you said you found this a little dramatic, because Peter Parker seemed to have a flair for the overdramatics, but immediately, as soon as the thought crossed your mind, you felt bad. He had been through so much and he put so much blame on himself that it only made sense for him to feel like your feeling cold was his fault.

"I know you think that this is your fault," you continued, peering into his eyes and offering him a small smile, "but it's not. It's not."

Peter looked conflicted.

"Yeah, maybe..." he trailed off, going quiet only before blurting, "but if I didn't give you my shitty hoodie your lips wouldn't be the colour of fucking baby Loki —"

"What are you gonna do about my blue lips then?"

"What am I gonna do... uh, I don't know... you can put my hand on them or something? I'm always hot because of... y'know," Peter laughed sheepishly, "the thing —"

"Pete, please shut up."

Peter quieted and looked offended. "Shut up?"

"Shut up," you confirmed with a nod of your head. "Do you not get what I'm implying? 'Warm up my lips?'"

And for the first time in a while, Peter looked at a loss for words.

His mouth was parted and his brown eyes reflected the large galaxies. He looked confused, which made sense, and in response to that confusion he did the most Peter-like thing ever — run a hand through his chestnut curls dusted with sand, biting his lip in nervous habit.

It was so overwhelmingly him that you considered giving in to your offer.

It was Peter, your best friend, in all his quirky and nerdy yet loyal and heroic glory, confused yet worried and concerned for your health.

For you.

So, you decided to shut him up.

By putting your lips on his.

You held your breath, feeling your heart hammering one million miles per hour inside your chest, feeling nothing other than stupidity and anxiousness yet an overwhelming surge of realization — you had feelings for this boy and they went completely undisclosed until you chose to do something bold.

It wasn't like you to do something so ballsy, yet here you were, fluttering your eyes shut and giving in.

Surprisingly, Peter didn't yelp and jump away like you expected. Instead, he deepened the kiss.

He hummed into your mouth, making you shudder, swiping his tongue along your bottom lip in a way that wasn't fervent, but sensual. It was so overwhelmingly Peter that you couldn't help the small sigh that left your lips when your tongues intertwined.

Peter reached behind your head to bunch up your hair and press you closer to him, squeezing his eyes shut. You sighed into his touch, suppressing a smile when you felt him detach his lips from yours and start to press open-mouthed kisses to the column of your neck, breathing you in like he could never get enough — he thought you tasted like strawberries and vanilla, and your neck was that much better.

The lovely scent of your rose body spray invaded his nose and he inhaled deeply, pulling back for a moment to gaze at you.

Your lips were swollen and pink and your eyes were heavily-lidded, chest heaving and quick breaths leaving you mouth. You were breathing heavily like it was your last breath, and your hair was strewn across your face, contrasting against the bright night sky and reflecting in your glassy eyes — Peter felt a surge of love for you so strong it scared him.

He would never let anything happen to you.

And neither would you, you realized, as your tongues danced and bodies gave into each other, hands gripping hips in the large expanse of the night sky.

Waves pounded onto the sandy shore only metres away and it mixed well with the sound of your hitched breaths and small moans and shudders, reminding you that after all this time, Peter was your beach — always there, though sometimes hard to access, but always, always, wrapping you in his serene words and sweet nothings that fell away into the steady crashing of the waves.

Always.

***

TAGS:

peter parker taglist ➝ @galaxystern08​ @inhumanwithpowers​ @averyfosterthoughts​ @pparkeramorr

tom holland taglist ➝ @thenoddingbunny-blog​ @galaxystern08​ @coni-martina​ @inhumanwithpowers​ @averyfosterthoughts​ @softholand​

mutuals ! ➝ @quackeroos​ @parkersbliss​ @chaoticpete​ @cosmicholland​ @stardustom​ @mannien​ @my-patronus-is-mabel-pines​ @silteplaittais-toi​ @spideygirl2003​ @yoinkyourheart​ @darlintom​ @dreamofaprilsblog​ @the-crazy-fanfictionist​ @peterspideyy​ @stuckonspidey​ @eridanuswave​ @thirzaholland​ @t-holland2080​ @peachyparkerr​

[radio-charlie]

In my experiences both virtual and irl i have found few ppl more obtuse than the hyper-educated erudite whites of the global north. i feel like all ur education granted u was a set of impressive buzzwords u could use to disguise the total lack of substance in any opinion u deliver concerning things outside ur v v small field of study. it reinforced my suspicion that that impressive education was not meant to actually educate u but to make u a more effective goon of ur ruling administration. its okay though. u can always try to intimidate ppl by looking as if u don’t care abt anything.

[forgottenroderick]

rodericK: 'i really dont understand how you turned your nose up at my terrible old man for your terrible young one -- my candidate would've died sooner so you'd be free w his money!! ig it really must be love'

jk jk -- well, kind of lakjsdfkjldjkf (tho it really ~is love motivating her to marry cassimir ig!! just...not love for cassimir oops alkjsdkfljsdkfj)

honestly tho i do think that post the ball, roderick ~will be figuring it out. malconaire being near the riverbend disguised it a bit bc he was like 'look at them being so duitiful going over there to keep an eye on things' and laksjdfsdklfjasjdkf anyway i ~do think he and perhaps his wives (amira, anyway) did notice how the brothers all came out of the woodwork tryna not tlook ~too happy when the malconaires arrived, since they arrived late, it really showcased their reaction and yeahhh

anyway, since eithne is marrying someone else, as far as roderick is concerned, as long as @forgottencassimir is content to keep his mouth shut, eithne is a perfect person for arthur to be having an affair w since cassimir can claim the kids, roderick can give their family special attentions, and gifts and honors and lands and titles and moneys etc as his grandchildren and yeah its all v discrete etc and no one will be bothered too much if eithne's kids come out golden haired and blue eyed since she has a sister w that hair, and her own eyes are quite as blue as his, even if cassimir looks quite the opposite, so they can still all brush it under the rug pr discretely (and like sure everyone might ~know at court but no one will officially ~know and that's what matters) and roderick will be v generous w his grandchildren as well as their supposed father and genuine mother, ensuring they're all well taken care of etc, and not have to feel competitive towards any of them since they're illegit alkjsdflkjdsfjkdsf (me: SCREAM) HOWEVER, 1) if he thinks cassimir ISNT cool w this arrangement that is NOT good news and 2) aoife and roisin being as yet unwed and of old noble astairan blood are NOT good candidates for princely mistresses!

anyway, one way or another eithne ~may be experiencing the outcome of these misunderstandings, depending how cassimir reacts, since ngl i kind of feel like these are all things roderick will probs be looking to feel out in his current covo w cassimir too so!! cassimir's in for a fun time, no doubt!! lakjsdfalkjsdfj obv roderick has ~all of this confused as to what's going on hahaha but he assumes he knows slkdjfaklsdjfdsf (this iw hy you talk to your sons first *facepalm* tho tbf he's just ~feeling cassimir out~ i doubt he's ~directly talking abt any of this so yeah misunderstandings may well arise idek)

BUT ANYWAYYYY i def do think there's a danger that rosie would say smth stupid (probs as a "total joke") and it would be overheard and reported possibly w the jokey bits removed but even w roderick still aint abt it!!! 'that is my son, he is not to be spoken to in such a way by a conniving young woman of no fortune or royal title and particularly without my explicit knowledge and consent!' etc so yeahhh roderick would NOT be cool w any of that!!!! so like yeahhh eithne is def right to be concerned ngl lakjsfkjsdf

honestly itd work!! not for long bc roderick would see pr quickly that either it isn't working or eithne's fully lying (he'd probs have her watched for awhile to make sure she's not a rebel spy esp given that she is -- he thinks -- arthur's mistress as well laksdjfkldjfsfd) roderick: 'is she an enemy...or just bad at persuading ppl?' lkjsdfkjdfj

there is also the potential, depending how things go, that he'll try to burn them all and/or try to use her and/or brigit if he uncovers who the real witch is to grab the mystical stafford sword but anyway here we are alkjdsflkjdsfj

OOC | Roderick & Eithne

so, since eithne is part of the old astairan nobility, i think roderick would actually like to see her marry well amongst his own courtiers, but not to someone too wealthy or powerful -- just enough to mingle them so that any descendants are as much astairan as imperial but not enough to give those descendants too much power should they decide they want astaira indepdent again etc. basically, a bonding together action

that being said, he wouldn't interfere if she decided to marry cassimir, but for once roderick is actually doing a lil good by not ~loving that outcome hahaha of course he'd probs rather see her married to some horrible old man or smth so probs not that much better -- if better at all -- but alksdjflksjdf here we are hahaha

that being said, he DEF does not think she or her sisters are candidates for his sons!! im sorry about him bc he's of the opion that obv his boys can sow their wild oats as much as they please, but if they were thinking of marriage, that'd be out of the question as far as roderick is concerned: its queens and princesses for them or nothing at all smdh

i think he also realizes that eithne's got some sway w wifey #4 contestant #1: eilionora hahaha and so he'd def like eithne to help persuade her to marry him! he's not above bribery (money, titles, lands, marriages, etc) hahaha but obv idk how effective that may or may not be hahaha

[crowned-ladybug]

So I said I wanted to see demon AUs that aren’t smut and that I sadly don’t have the energy to make my own rn, and then I went ahead and accidentally made one anyway

So here’s some incomplete notes on it. It’s 2.7k words. I’m so sorry.

Local dumbass heir to the throne (Joseph) doesn’t Wanna be a heir to the throne bc it’s Boring he’s always wanted to be an Adventurer but here he is anyway. Then one night he gets drunk off his ass and manages to?? accidentally summon a demon??? in his friend’s Magic Lab???

(The friend is Avdol and he’s v v tired of Joseph’s shit)

fuckin Joseph made a drunk deal with a demon who Absolutely saw nothing against making a deal with the royal heir currently drunk off his ass bc hey, free deal

luckily the deal wasn’t for Joseph’s soul or firstborn child or half his kingdom or whatever. Instead the deal is a magical bond between Joseph and the demon that allows the demon to share in Joseph’s life energy/general basic human magic and thus be able to exist in the human world in a stable form without having to go home to rest every once in a while or having to maintain like ten spells Just In Case

the demon is doing this whole deal thing bc 1) he Has to, it’s kind of his Job and 2) he’s looking for vengance on a gang of demon hunters who have killed his family but since they’re human, he needs a way into the human world for a longer term to be able to hunt them down

the demon is Caesar in case you haven’t figured that out yet

Joseph is a lot less concerned about having made a deal with a Literal Demon than he should be. He thinks it’s p hilarious actually and Caesar immediately starts having regrets (he’d bond with Avdol over it if he were willing to lower himself to the level of Measly Mortals)

the fun thing is that bc he’s tied to Joseph magically to allow him to freely exist in the human world, Caesar can’t get out of a few mile radius of him, which kinda makes his plans to hunt down the demon hunters (*cough* Pillar Men *cough*) a lot harder and Joseph even more annoying to deal with

the logical solution to that is to pass Caesar off as a servant Joseph befriends, so that he can stay in the castle, and then eventually they can go off on some adventure together to defeat the Pillar Men (or, well, so that Caesar can defeat the Pillar Men while keeping Joseph at arm’s length) which would also mean that Joseph can Finally get his big adventure he’s been dreaming about

then Joseph gets the genius idea to kill even More birds with one stone and decides that Caesar should pretend to be his bf bc all the annoying ass nobles and shit won’t leave him alone about not having a partner and “oh no, you’re of age now, what will happen if you have to take the throne but have no queen by your side?” and everyone keeps trying to woo him and it was fun at first but now it’s just goddamn Tiring

Caesar agrees to it eventually bc Anything as long as Joseph lets him do his research on the Pillar Men in peace. He doesn’t really realise what fake-dating the annoying bastard entails until he’s already too deep into it and he kinda literally can’t go back on his promises to Joseph, being a contract-bound demon

(Caesar looks like a proper demon normally but he Can disguise himself as p much entirely human-looking if he needs to. It takes energy tho, so he reverts back to his demonic looks whenever he’s safe from prying eyes, or if he’s unconscious)

they’re essentially fake-married for magic tax benefits it’s so great

there’s Definitely some Magic Soulbond Shenanigans along the line of “if one gets hurt the other also feels it”

they find out that Caesar reverts to his demonic form when asleep when he pulls two all-nighters in a row looking for information on the Pillar Men and passes out in Avdol’s study, scaring the shit out of poor Avdol. After that they manage to land a room for him in the castle with some lie about him having travelled here from faraway lands (technically true) and having nowhere else to stay (also technically true), but he also spends a lot of his time in Avdol’s study and Joseph’s room without his disguise, solely for convenience’s sake

they ofc have to fool Everyone with the fake dating, including Joseph’s family, bc No One else can know that Caesar is a demon on a quest for vengeance. The worst, most unexpected part for Caesar is that Queen Erina and Lord Speedwagon actually seem to like him?? they’re just genuinely nice to him??? simply bc he’s around Joseph and bc they find him likeable??? he did Not expect Anyone to be nice to him in the human world, what the Fuck, he doesn’t know how to Deal With That

Suzi is Technically a servant but she’s been Joseph’s friend since they were lil kids so she was essentially raised alongside him and they’re best friends and Suzi can only keep Joseph out of dumb shit like half the time bc the other half she’s right there in it with him

she is Entirely unfazed by Caesar, sees through the pretend relationship in like two minutes and knows immeditely that Something Is Up. When she accidentally catches Caesar in his demon form while checking to make sure he’s not stacking all-nighters again, she doesn’t even bat an eye (meanwhile Caesar’s thoughts are entirely “oh fuck do I have to kill her now, Joseph’s gonna kill me if I do, oh fuck, oh fuck”) just tells him to go to sleep on time and then leaves (to call Joseph out on getting himself into even deeper shit than she’d originally thought)

look idk what he does or what relevance he ends up having to the plot but Polnareff is also there, he’s a dumbass knight who’s the reason Joseph knows how to Not fight properly (bc Polnareff has a shitton of dumb tricks and Joseph knows all of them) and has a giant crush on Avdol

god there’s just. A Shitton of dumb shenanigans during their time in the castle, both with the fake-dating (like having to teach Caesar proper royal etiquette and him getting Very confused and flustered when Joseph casually flirts with him) and with hiding Caesar being a demon (they have so many stupid close calls and make so many dumb decisions they Really Shouldn’t, it’s great)

when the time comes to go and find and kill the Pillar Men, it’s only Caesar and Joseph going bc Caesar doesn’t want any more ppl in this mission than absolutely necessary, totally not bc they’re his friends and he worries about them or anything

they get some tips on where to look and how to get there from this weird adventurer dude who passes through the castle on his travels every once in a while. Joseph’s only met him in passing but he thinks he seems fun and has his own dumbass theory that he’s totally some runaway royalty or something. Instead turns out that the dude is half demon and actually related to Caesar and Caesar, being an orphan and all, had thought finding a remaining member of his family would be Way more thrilling but no this dude is just as weird and annoying as Joseph so he’d like a refund pls

(the dude’s Gyro. Ofc it’s fuckin Gyro. Johnny’s there too somewhere I just haven’t figured that out yet. He might actually be the top horse trainer/caretaker/whatever of the castle and the True reason Gyro travels this way every time is bc he’s smitten as hell)

while Gyro gives them some advice he also tells them that hey. Maybe you shouldn’t do this?? esp not just the two of you??? Considering the Pillar Men are known to be ruthless and Very good at killing demons

ofc these idiots Don’t Listen and go after them together anyway

the plan technically is that Joseph stays a safe distance away while Caesar goes and fights the Pillar Men and Totally wins but like. ofc he doesn’t listen and refuses to stay on his ass and let Caesar leave so they go in together anyway

they manage to find Santana alone and Actually Kill Him but it’s a close one, much tougher than anticipated bc as I said before, these dudes are Really Good at killing demons and also just killing in general. It’s also when Caesar realises the full scope of the “if one gets hurt, the other also feels it” part of his bond with Joseph bc Joseph gets hurt worse during the battle and Caesar is so shocked by his own reaction to it that he’s frozen for a moment and it almost costs him his life

that night when they’re camping out after the battle, Joseph reveals that a long while ago he figured out how to break their magic bond without it hurting either of them or sending Caesar right back to his own world. it’s some old spell he found in one of Avdol’s books or something, idk, and at first he’d kept it hidden from Everyone bc he was starting to really like Caesar but knew that Caesar was only around him out of necessity (not true actually but Caesar hid and denied his growing fondness for v v long) and he didn’t want him to leave the moment he realised he Could, even if it was v v selfish of him and he feels like shit about it now. And then later on when it turned out that they’re gonna see this quest through together anyway, he figured it didn’t matter anymore and so he kinda just forgot about it

but he’s remembered it again before they left and packed what he needs for it as a grim Just In Case (and it may or may not be a weird red gem bc yknow, but idk yet) and now he offers to break the bond already bc of how him getting hurt almost got Caesar killed. But Caesar tells him not to, bc it doesn’t matter now and a spell like that would probably take a lot of energy out of both of them when they need everything they’ve got for the upcoming battles

in reality he doesn’t want the bond broken bc it makes him feel like he’s got a right and a reason to stay, without having to fully face just how much he cares about Joseph, and bc it makes sure that Joseph is never far from him and lets him know if he’s hurt and maybe like this he can somehow protect him from getting hurt again

spoiler alert: he can’t

the fight with the other three Pillar Men doesn’t go their way at all. I mean it’s 3 vs 2 and the 3 are Very Good at killing so it should be Expected, but they’re young and dumb and Caesar is stubborn and still thirsting for revenge and if Joseph can’t hold him back then at least he can stay with him

they both get badly hurt and when it looks like it’s just it for both of them, Joseph brings out that spell again and breaks their bond before Caesar could tell him to stop and tells Caesar to run, to get away and don’t even fucking look back, just Go. When Caesar tries to object, Joseph tells him that he’s not dying just so Caesar can get himself killed too and Caesar is too scared to do anything but listen and run as Joseph leaves himself no escape and takes another two of the Pillar Men down with him before Caesar could figure out a way to save him

Joseph survives, Somehow, minus a hand anyway. He wakes up again in his own room in the castle and he has No Idea how he got back or who even found him and his best guess is that Gyro and Johnny have followed them and lbr Avdol’s magic has probably had a part to play in it too

and Caesar is just. Gone. Separated from Joseph and already weak from the fight, he didn’t have enough magic left to remain in the human world for long and thus got pulled back into his own world, and being just a normal demon, he can’t even cross back over without being summoned. But Joseph doesn’t know any of that, he just knows that Caesar is Gone and he strongly doubts he’s coming back bc he hasn’t already and he’s p damn heartbroken about it

meanwhile Caesar isn’t having much better of a time in his own world either. Bc nothing went well, Nothing, but he realises that he doesn’t even care about his revenge plan anymore, he doesn’t care about hunting Kars down and avenging his family. But he’s just lost the only family he’s had Again, the ppl in the castle this time, and he’s stuck here without any way back unless someone accidentally summons him again, and for what he knows Joseph had died to save him and Caesar didn’t even get to say goodbye or bury him

this v shitty state lasts until Joseph’s desperation + a lil nudge from Avdol and Suzi gets him to try summoning Caesar again (bc Joseph decides that if he gets no response at all, if the spell fails, it means Caesar’s really just Gone and he hadn’t made it out alive after all, but having definite knowledge of that will still be better than just Not Knowing and hoping for the rest of his life)

Avdol lets him take his study all to himself and so Joseph settles in during the afternoon and gets to finding the spell which is Not Easy bc he’d been drunk off his ass when he’d first found and performed it. He’s starting to lose hope and think that maybe the spell doesn’t even Exist in Avdol’s books, he’d just butchered a completely different spell and that’s how he got to Caesar, when he Finally finds it, and it’s almost midnight at that point and he’s Exhausted and Scared and Sad and he just Wants This To Work

the spell asks for an offering for the demon’s services, and the first time around Joseph had said something like “idk name your price” which is how Caesar had got the bond he needed (tho Joseph doesn’t actually remember this)

this time he just says “anything” which is a p dumb thing to offer when making a deal with a Literal Demon but he doesn’t care, this is Caesar, he trusts him and he loves him and he’d damn right give anything to just know that he’s okay and maybe get to see him again

and the spell Works it fuckin Works even if it takes a moment and there’s a flash of light and then suddenly there’s Caesar, sitting on the ground in Avdol’s study in all his demonic glory, blinking as his eyes adjust to the dim light and until he sees Joseph sitting on the ground in front of him, crying. And from then on it’s just a big “i thought I lost you” reunion moment that’s so happy it Hurts. They stay sitting on the floor for Hours despite it being late at night, just pressed together and talking about anything and just enjoying each others presence bc they’ve missed each other and thought they’d never see each other again

the next morning Avdol finds them sitting against the wall in a pile and fast asleep and decides to take the day off and goes to find Suzi and Polnareff to tell them the news

idk where the rest of the plot goes yet bc Kars is still out there and Erina and Speedwagon still don’t know about the whole demon thing but have this for now

[sometimesrosy]

Hi, you talked about Lxa being a tragic hero etc, and that it means that, in the end, she lost everything she fought for, hence the tragic. But she is presented like a very strong character, who has a vision for a more peaceful future that she is having trouble achieving. I do feel like her way was to be seen as the right way for the grounders, even if she didn't manage to make her ppl see that right away, and ultimately others had to carry on her legacy and do the job

Do you?

Do you think that her choices were represented as correct by the grounders when they flat out said she was doing the wrong thing and had no honor?

I honestly believe that you are being led by her APPEARANCE of being in control, powerful and beautiful. And I believe the show is doing that ON PURPOSE. 

They spent the first three seasons playing with the concept of people wearing masks to make them look like good guys, or like scary guys, and when you take the masks OFF, they end up being the opposite of what you assume.

The whole Finn is a jerk/Bellamy is a good guy storyline is the FIRST instance of that, but not the last, by a long shot. We see it again when we meet LINCOLN. His first shot, was as a monster. He was wearing the grounders’ traditional monster mask. Intent on scaring everyone. He kidnapped Octavia and poisoned Finn, but by the end of his torture, he’s been humanized and prettified, and as we come to know him, we learn he is one of the kindest characters on the show.

Or let’s bring it RIGHT to Lxa. The first time we meet her, we meet an innocent, vulnerable young water girl. She is LITERALLY in disguise and undercover, and is revealed to be a fierce fighter with all the power.

The costumes the grounders wear? The big shoulders and monster masks and Lxa’s flowing cape/shoulder thing? Her war paint? The giant THRONE that someone had to carry into the middle of a battlefield so she could meet the enemy teenager and impress her by playing with a knife????

That is all for show. To present the impression of power. To scare people. Lxa never stopped trying to intimidate her enemies. To scare them. To make herself look more powerful. When she bombed TonDC, why did Indra keep it a secret? Because the coalition would not support her. Do you know WHY? BEcause she KILLED all the coalition leaders. She betrayed them. For this battle? Which she then gave up, in 30 seconds. Why? To get back some prisoners when 30 minutes ago she was willing to sacrifice her whole ARMY for this very victory?

Even Indra couldn’t handle that one. She knew it was wrong and released both Octavia and Lincoln to do the right thing. 

If you think I’m making it up, all you have to do is bring it all the way to Octavia and Wonkru. Where they have the discussion about her wearing the traditional costume of the heda so that she could ASSUME a power she did not really hold. And how Gaia helped her find her OWN costume that showed the power that she took for herself. It’s all about the appearance. The trappings. Convincing others of what you want them to see.

Look. Here’s the thing. On the SURFACE, Lxa says all the right things, and she looks the part of the perfect, visionary leader who is trying to bring peace.

But when you stop listening to her words, and stop paying attention to her costumes, and you instead watch her choices, how she treats people and what she does, what you discover is that she is a BAD leader. Whose CHOICES led to her own downfall. They were HER choices. Not other people’s choices. They weren’t because she couldn’t get other people to understand. They were because she made choices against the will of other people. EVERYONE. No one wanted her to be doing what she was doing. And all the things she chose to do led to more death, destruction and disorder. And meanwhile, she had not won a battle since she met the sky people. She cheated multiple times, though, including with Roan and Nia. 

Lxa didn’t die because she couldn’t get her people to agree to be peaceful. She died because she betrayed her people, denied them their vengeance, proved herself to be dishonorable, showed her self interest was more important than her care for her people, dismantled her own democratic process, disrespected and threatened her allies, ignored her closest advisors, and flip flopped on decisions because she wanted to. 

She didn’t lose because The Grounders were acting irrationally. She lost because her own flaws took over her leadership and she did not listen to anyone else. Clarke used her desire to be seen as powerful and visionary to spare her people. That Clarke COULD do this means that Lxa had a weakness to exploit. And she did it to save her people. Lxa put her desires OVER the needs of her people. Again. And Again. 

I mean. 

I can’t make you look under the glamour of Polis and the excuses that Lxa gives for her decisions. You are taking them at face value. You are not questioning her agenda. She says she’s doing it for her people, and you forget how little she cared for her people 30 minutes ago. Or in the next season. She was willing to sacrifice her people, until NOT saving them gave her the excuse to betray her allies who had turned out to be more formidable than she thought they’d be. 

Lxa had been trying to kill skypeople since 1.01. She sent hunters, and multiple armies, and the delinquents beat them all. Then she comes to kill them again, and somehow, the skycrew suddenly have the solution to the terrible horror of the reapers. They can bring their people BACK! Clarke challenges her. And she lets her. 

The grounder army doesn’t actually do ANYTHING to take down the mountain except act as a distraction. It was Clarke, Bellamy, Raven, Abby, Wick, Octavia, Jasper, Monty, Harper, Miller, even MAYA. It was Lincoln who they considered a traitor. 

Clarke and the skypeople threaten Lxa’s dominance. So she gets rid of them the way she got rid of the coalition leaders (except for Nia who leads a coup against her the very next season. coincidence? no. not at all. cause and effect.) She lets the mountain take them out. She ALLIES with their generational enemies. To SAVE people? No. I don’t think so.

She gave an EXCUSE. And you think that was for peace? You think that was VISIONARY? No. That was treachery. She betrayed her allies. She betrayed her coalition. She betrayed her warriors. To side with THE ENEMY? 

For a people who believe in Blood Must Have Blood. 

I mean. 

Do you think I’m making this stuff up? I knew when she left Clarke behind at MW that she had just made the biggest mistake of her reign. I said, “Your allies will never trust you again.” And do you know what happened? She lost her allies. She lost her power. She lost her life. And it was a direct result of her poor leadership choices. Titus meant to assassinate Clarke to keep her from making her poor leadership choices. He SAID that her leadership choice would lead to her death and it did. She COULD have convinced her people to have mercy, if she had kept going like she did when she spared Clarke after mercy killing Finn. But she didn’t. She didn’t care about what the people thought. They were her subjects and she expected them to follow her or suffer the consequences. 

EVERYONE suffered the consequences of Lxa’s leadership decisions. Her people were completely destroyed. COMPLETELY. Even WITH the second apocalypse, if Lxa had managed to stay in power, they would have save more people. In MW, in the Ark and in Bunker, without a battle to get into it, because it was war between the grounders that destroyed half of their lifeboat spots.

Do you think the candles make up for the fact that her coalition wanted to depose her? Or that she lost the faith of her most loyal advisors? That her villagers wanted to kill her? 

Do you think the GLAMOUR of Polis is a more important definition of Good and Bad than the results of Lxa’s CHOICES?

On a show that is ABOUT being the good guy, and making the right choices, and doing what is right, not what is best for your people.

Do you REALLY think that Lxa is NOT morally gray, but is actually a good, visionary peaceful leader who keeps sentencing people to death and discards their concerns and kicks her ambassadors out of windows?

I mean, yeah it’s badass. But no. It’s not good leadership. It is LITERAL TYRANNY. 

Lxa is a tyrant. Not a visionary leader who wants peace for her people. Mainly because if her people are peaceful and have no enemy, they have no reason to follow her and she will lose power. 

But okay. I will admit that she sure does LOOK the part of Wise, Beautiful Leader.

Just don’t look under the mask.

[cyanpeacock]

Realtalk(tm): Midnight Edition

MAN all that psychosis was some Seriously Weird shit . i keep thinkin about it

an d yet. im like, well, shit, in some ways, I Needed That? 

long Trauma Processing Post under the cut

a whole bunch was very, Oh, Okay, So I Was Right, and those General Things from Before (i.e. when I was a child) WERE serious mental health concerns, that still exist, that I need to not do a Mother on and go “it’s probably nothing/overactive imagination/just acting out for attention”

and a whole bunch was very, like, well, just straight up disturbing frightening psychosis, of a duration and intensity new to me, and despite the bizarre and at times inappropriate content, it brings me a weird kind of relief to know i went Totally Batshit outside in broad daylight and nobody ever laid a hand on me? nobody smacked me? nobody yelled at me or got REALLY funny with me? they just, uh, let me go batshit off on my own? i almost certainly disturbed and/or offended some people, but no Punishment was dealt??????

like... the only people who spoke to me were (retrospectively obviously, at the time not obviously) concerned about my wellbeing, rather than trying to berate me and shut me up for their comfort? although i did still react internally as though that were the case. but like... How Delightful! the world i was walking through is MUCH kinder than my “family” ever was!!! those guys just saw a sick person? and not somebody being “difficult/playing up/bratty/childish”??? wtf. i’m still kind of like, is that for real???

and a whole bunch of the Episode was also “oh. okay. that was TOTALLY actually about this SPECIFIC thing from my past that is not always in my accessible life memories, but That Fucking Happened, And Its Processing And Integration Are Incomplete, because my parents were emotionally constipated and didn’t remotely know the meaning of Mental Health”

some of it is Specific Incidents. a lot of it is about like... alternating fucking, like, total abandonment, then Absolute Surveillance And Control “We” Have To Monitor Your Every Action And “We” Will Punish You If You Do Not Comply To The Restrictions And Regulations

like ahahahha. okay backstory. as a kid-kid i had literally No supervision on the computer, no like, web filters, no time locks, stumbled across 4chan and whatnot far too young, nobody noticed for Years. which, uh, that is BAD parenting. that is REALLY bad form, and i was made to feel like that was My Fault, somehow. but hey! to me, this was normal! there was a whole bunch of weird interesting stuff on the internet that really distracted me from how shitty Coming Home felt! the computer is Fun!!!!!

and then!!! while i understand the INTENTION of this -- later on “They” brought in a whole fucking load of surveillance, moved me to the bedroom next to my mother’s so they could “keep an eye on me”, put software on MY school laptop to kick me off the machine, software on the router that monitored every single webpage i went on? i was in my mid to later teens by this point??? like, the point where most kids get MORE freedom and trust, not less?! literally i heard shit from adults like “we can’t trust you” and now i’m like. oh. oh, okay. yeah. that’s... not right.

now i was a quick boy and made myself a workaround in the form of an Ubuntu LiveCD, disguised as a blank disk that i kept with other CDs, and that lovely beast TOR worked some miracles for me. but like, what the fuck?? i was going to all those fucking lengths just to try and get some human contact with people who actually did care about me, Away from my hellhole family and equally hellish school. all the fucking Being Watched made me feel sicker and sicker, i was self harming more, hiding it better, hurting other ppl increasingly because i was acting in reaction to my own pain. 

like. you can’t like... go from total neglect, to fucking CIA levels of invasion of privacy. like, that’s abuse, that’s just going from one extreme to the other. 

that’s what was so jarring about it all? like, sometimes, there would just be Nobody emotionally available at home. that sucked, but hey, it’s what i grew up with, i was used to it. then other times, it would be TELL ME EVERYTHING. I HAVE TO KNOW EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU. EVERY INTIMATE DETAIL. NO SECRETS ALLOWED. TELL ME EVERYTHING. still with No emotional capacity there. and i was NOT used to that. that shit made me “paranoid”. uh, fucking YEAH? 

like... anybody would get paranoid in emotional solitary confinement with people watching their every fucking move. shit felt like being in a cell with the guards walking past glaring at you through the food slot periodically. “come out of the corner so I can see what you’re doing” and all that. i developed like... so many sides. to deal with it. constantly fucking flipping over. 

the priority was and is Maintain The One That Can Do School. Maintain Him. He Can Get Grades, He Satisfies The Mother, He Can Get Away From This. and i guess i did? and i’m gonna get a degree, like, a real one, a fucking good one if i keep working as hard as i have been, which... well, shit, what else can I do? this is what i am Built For. but i’d be like, flipping over with a side that is literally a terrified child that bolts to its bedroom and hisses and growls at threats outside the door. and my mother would say shit like “i think it’s just your hormones.” what kind of wack-ass shit. denial levels over 9000.

man like i’m angry but numb to it? in a sort of, oh, okay, woah, is this what i was dealing with? is this the shit i was living through? and this was denied and minimized so many times, and so many people said “well I’m sure she loves you really,” that i’d learned to say to myself “it’s not that bad, she loves me really, she’s doing the best she can” when i was literally like... cutting so much i was bleeding thru my trousers at school? i’d been trained to just like, dissociate so hard i couldn’t actually name or talk about ANY of the things that were happening to and around me that were making me feel so shitty?

YEAH so . that was Also Fucked Up.

and s///pinel like....... wsdfsjdghhjd what the fuck. huge mood. wanted while I was a fun little entertaining creature that could do Tricks and Impress and Make People Laugh!! and then i got Difficult To Deal With. Too Much. Annoying. and wasn’t emotionally valued any more! And I Turned Into A Fucking Unstable Destructive Maniac. 

yyyyeeeuuup i definitely totally did the I HATE YOU WHY WON’T YOU LEAVE ME BUT I LOVE YOU WHY AM I LASHING OUT AT YOU SO MUCH DON’T LEAVE ME I HATE YOU thing. it was not fun for anybody (understatement). and i have No Intention of living in the “grown up” version of “I hate you but we’re ~family~ so I’m going to politely tolerate your presence while I’m numb or miserable.” i’m not about it. no sir no way no how.

YH. yeah. okay i’m gonna end this post Here because if i keep goin i’ll get so mad I give myself a migraine RIP. that’s kind of a Whole Bunch huh.

[19possums-blog]

On tianshan relationship and their fandom, i guess ?

hello there @nightfayre !! Im the 5asks anon lol (the one abt the last chapter of tianshan). I wanted to thank you for your answer and continue to rant in your askbox but i figured it was so long that mb it would crash ur box lmao, so I... kind of created a blog..... hm. well theres no bad reasons to create an account is there lol ?? (also is there no way to send a long ask ?? why is it so limited :(( )

So once again thank you for anwser, and what an answer ! You raised many points i didnt think about and that was very interesting. I knew i would be glad to hear your thoughts ! the rest under a read more coz i think its going to be looong lol

(( To do a sort of disclaimer : I despise fandom discourse and im more of the mentality “let ppl enjoy what they want as long as it dont hurt real life ppl”, and “dont like dont interact”. So everything im going to say is not an attack against anyone, but just a way of prolonging a manhwa that i like. Most of all, i want to emphasize that at the end of the day, its just a manhwa : it doesnt justify being mean or aggressive towards other real life ppl. If you find yourself raging while reading fandom wank, just stop reading, block, and go outside a little. My way of enjoying the manhwa is to be analytical, to criticize (positively and negatively) and to look at the material source as well as the fandom in itself ; if its (understandably lol) not your definition of fun, this post may not be for you !))

Ur totally right in saying that the hardest thing is separate morality, reality and fiction. I hope my asks didn't come across as a 'u shouldnt like tianshan bc its not morally good'. There is a lot of puritan push back on tumblr lately, and im totally against it. Everyone is free to like/ship what they want ; reading only ‘morally good’ literature wont prevent you to become a nasty person - i would argue itd be the exact opposite, as your spirit wont be trained to think critically or to evaluate a situation (and every situations is always grey) by your own means. Also, its important to separate fantasies/what you like to read and who you are/what you do. To be embarrassingly honest, and like many people, one of my sexual fantasy is rape ; but in my real life, im in a queer anarchist collective that actively fights against rape culture and defends rape victims. That is why i dont have a problem with SheLI/Mo shippers (or even HeCheng/SheLi shippers) even if its not my cup of tea, but i would have a problem if in real life (irl) ppl would say to irl Mo that irl SL is good for him (or if they wouldnt find it wrong that a irl 30yo Cheng is involved wt an irl 15yo Li). I digress.

But then again this confusion about fiction/reality/morality is at the core of the tianshan fandom -and many fandoms. I dont know about you, but i grossly see 3 types of ‘trends’ depending on how ppl interact with the source material  :

1.The ones who think you cant like something while being critical of it. I love 19 days but I think there are flaws in it, beyond tianshan dynamic (like how OX handles the transition between funny and dramatic moments –I think its badly done). It doesn’t mean I personally hate OX and wish harm to their family oc. Worse than this, the ones who, because they dont like certain things in 19 days, feel free to harass OX on their social media.  Here its a confusion between fiction and reality and a lack of critical thinking.

2. the ones that loves Tianshan because they think it fits the trope “Dark, handsome, tortured violent boy who is violent towards fragile, sweet, pure cute boy because he loves him” and the typically associated trope “the pure boy will change the violent boy by the pureness of his heart”. Aka the most common yaoi trope. Again, if it pleases people to see Tianshan like this, good for them and i hope they have a nice time reading 19 days. Lets face it, I love really bad yaoi and books. Its just not how i see tianshan at all, but to each their own. I just have a problem when these ppl insist that its an ok behavior to have in real life and say things like “possessiveness is a proof of love” uncritically (hint : it isnt). For me, its the difference between enjoying fast food (thats okay), and wanting to force everyone to eat fast food and to find it pleasurable (not okay).

3. the ones that think what you like in literature defines who you are, and so in order to be a “good person” you have to only like “morally good litterature” -there are the ones I personally find the more interesting bc they can ask good questions. But alas, in most cases its just puritanism badly disguised and currently they are in all fandoms. Lets not delve into the issue of this statement : what is ‘morally good’ ? who are in the authority to proclaim what is good ? how can you recognize what is ‘morally good’ if you dont see what is ‘morally not good’ ? is it literature’s responsibility to educate its audience ? do literature have to point out “watch out audience what just happened is not okay” as if we were brainless children ? whats more important : what you like reading or what you do irl ? .... Okay i totally delve into this lmao. Here its a confusion between fiction and morality and a rejection of critical thinking : we could say its like when the Catholics prohibited women from reading bc it would pervert them and think of the children).

Returning to the specifics of what we've been talking about  : so in this last case, you (generic ‘you’) think that you are a good person ; so you have to read morally good literature. So in this case, fandom isnt just a harmless hobby, but a proof of how you are morally good, imagine the stakes ! But alas, you happen to like 19 days and most specifically tianshan. You said (@nightfayre​ ) that you judge Tianshan unhealthy as they are now, and i wholeheartedly agree with you, so im not going to discuss why since you already explained it so well. So, what happens when you like a morally not good ship, but you think liking morally dubious things makes you a bad person ? You bent over backwards to explain that, in fact, this ship is morally good, to protect your integrity. And thats why, in 19days fandom since the last chapter (and its the same thing with every chapter where flaws of HT are revealed!), there are many posts going around “hm, in fact, what He Tian did is good ! i know it can seems like hes a violent asshole who dont respect MGS because he punches him, threatens him, and dont listen to him, but hm.... in fact its because he’s nice...” and then they do mental gymnastics to justify what is, obviously, not morally justifiable. And i find its a pity because, my guy, my buddy, nobody is going to throw you tomatoes if you like a morally dubious character, and also bc nothin is morally good ! everybody does what they think is the best in ‘problematic situations’ ! and thats what make life interesting ! and so, 19 days interesting ! The flaws of HT (and MGS) are what drawn ppl to his character, bc it makes him real, its makes him contradictory, we can project ourselves in him, and we can see a complicated character with awesome latent potential. And yes, treating someone like a territory bc you care about them is a flaw lol. (on this subject : i saw ppl saying that its protectiveness and not possession : if you protect someone like you would protect a territory, then its not a healthy protection. you deal with a human whose agency you must respect, contrary to a territory).

MGS and HT are the product of what happen to them in their early childhood and then their adolescence. Like you said, they grow up in a violent, twisted world, where being emotionally distant is the norm. I would even say that they are expected to conform to the standards of (toxic) masculinity : channel all your emotions into anger, caring is being weak and feminine, prove your worth by your physical strength, be in control in all ur relationship, etc. I would say thats why Mo is so hostile towards HT : HT challenges his masculinity, by seducing him (everyone know that the biggest fear of macho men like HT and Mo is being considered gay -_-) and being stronger than him. Lets face it, Mo has kind of a homophobic issue, like all the boys. Between JY who tells HT its disgusting being told hes handsome by a man (at the beginning of the manhwa, i hope by now he had grown out of it), or Mo who tells HT he isnt happy that a guy is on his bed or who desperately wants to prove his heterosexuality by saying he likes all cute girls to his baldy friend... HT is more nuanced, but at the end, when he ‘seduces’ Mo, its always predatory. He doesnt let himself being vulnerable and he aggressively touches Mo even without his consent. For me, its a way of proving his domination, not his interest (and when i say that, i dont mean that HT is not genuinely interested in Mo -just that his actions dont translate this). ZZX is the only one who seems to have a healthy relationship with his masculinity lol, but then hes the healthy one in all aspects (thats why i dont like his character and am not invested in zhanyi, even if irl i would love to be his friend).

With all that being said, oc HT wont know how to adequately express genuine concern and interest in Mo ! This sort of social interactions is not something you just know, its smth you learn. And in HT and Mo’s cases, nobody was there to teach them -we could even say that ppl in their life made them unlearn caring behaviors. So HT does what he does best : he fights and forces, and is surprised when Mo thinks (obviously) HT is evil. And also, like you said, Mo will never be (at least how he is now) a driving force in their relationships bc he will always run away from bonding with ppl. So here we are, HT being the only driving force in their relationship, the same HT who only knows violence. No wonder that their relationship is like this...

As it is, i feel like tianshan is kind of in an impasse right now. One or the other is going to have to evolve if we want to see their relationships changing. Either HT learns how to care without being violent (seems complicated if Mo doesnt challenges him, bc HT isnt going to realize this without feedback since its how he has always functioned), or, more likely, Mo is going to be honest with him and tell him that his behavior is hurting him. Though more probable, I dont see it happening anytime soon : for one, Mo isnt capable of seeing when he is hurting emotionally and what is hurting him ; and also, bc Mo doesnt know any other language than violence, not unlike HT. I think its smth most of the fandom ignore, how violence is smth that HT and MGS both have in common, and how if HT wasnt violent, MGS certainly wouldnt consider him at all.

Anw im excited to see where OX is going with all this ! Like you said, the forced kiss was pivotal to their relationship, so im kind of hoping it would be the same here ! I just hope they wont... do like usual and just put a funny chapter and ignore this latest development.....

OMG i wrote soo much and there is so much i still want to say.... i think im going to do a second post... sorry about the spam lmao

( @nightfayre : i dont know how this site works yet, is @ you alright ? will it show you my post in your notif or should i send an ask ?  bc i want you to see my answer, but i dont want you to feel pressurized to respond or interact or anything !! above all dont feel pressurized, i was sad last night when you wrote ‘im sorry to not answer more quicly’ bc you should answer at your own rhythm or not answer ! your blog is a hobby, not an obligation, so dont feel bad to not do more when yo already do much !! )

[royal-writer]

A week of spring showers

Let people (especially ppl who identify masculine) be emotionally sensitive and vulnerable without being called ‘weak’ 2k19.

Taking to a knee, Amon delicately placed the full bouquet of flowers on the grass. Freshly trimmed from the garden, they still had a heavy fragrance that perfumed the air around him. The damp smell of the earth and grass, accompanied by the aroma of mildew and rain was even heavier however. Although the sky had stopped shedding rain upon the earth, an overcast still blotted out the early afternoon sunshine.

He inhaled nature’s wonders. Letting it fill his lungs, and then letting it go. The only thing he could let go.

His hand was steadier than he thought it would be as he placed it upon the cold stone. Leather separated him from the texture of it, but his fingers traced the inscription knowingly. It was a bit worn from touch; smoothed out more than the rest of the of large fragment. Nevertheless it was well-kept; routinely cleaned with a frequent vigil. Unlike so many headstones in the cemetery which had grown lichen and decayed, this one and its adjacent almost appeared freshly plotted.

The warmest smile moved over his lips, but it did not reach his eyes.

Thunder far in the distance came over the hills. A likely sign of more rain to come.

Lord Amon remained there, knelt for some time, until the first drizzles began to sprinkle the soil once more.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

“M’lord, you’re saturated.”

He grinned at his wife’s fuss and doting as she grabbed at his drenched cloak, dragging it off of his shoulders. Her troubled eyes moved over him with concern, but she said nothing as she worked on stripping him of his layers. The nearest maids of the house stood idly by, accepting some of the items passed off to them that would require being wrung out and hung to dry or later washed.

With a slight turn of his head, he pressed a kiss against Essätha’s cheek as she gathered up some of his garments. Her eyes sparkled up at him. An irresistible smile on her face that brought out his own as he sank into the surrender of her eyes. She stood on the tips of her toes, kissed his nose, and moved down the nearby corridor of the foyer after the other lady’s with his wet clothes.

Dropping to one knee as he was left in only his button-up and slacks, Amon began to unlace his mud-caked boots. He could hear the pitter-patter of quick footsteps rushing across the floor as he loosened the first boot, and sat it carefully to the side.

“Daddy! You’re home!”

Quick as a snake, a tiny body flung itself against his chest. Oh but he was still fast. Before she could collide with him, he snatched upon the attacker and pulled them into a great big bear hug.

Hepsiba squealed with childish delight, burying herself against his chest. Her little fingers held to the front of his shirt while nuzzling her face into his collar. The bubbling, innocent laughter was a lovely melody, and a shot of warmth to his heart from the inside out. Better than even the hottest coffee.

Pulling the giggling child away from his chest, Amon scrutinized her dark, bouncy hair that fell over her face. The simple lilac dress she wore was splotched with wet marks now from having aggressively hugged to him; soaked through to the bone.

“You smell like Caesar after he’s been let out in the rain, daddy,” the little girl giggled, reaching up to paw at his face. “And you’re starting to look like Caesar too!”

“What are you saying? Do you think my beard’s getting too scruffy?” he mused, snatching upon his daughter to drag her back against him.

“Daddy, nooooo!”

Kicking and squirming, Hepsiba howled with laughter as he snuggled his face against her. She shoved at him playfully, and he’d retreat, only to do it again. He pressed his lips against her cheek, and blew a raspberry that had tears streaking down her face as she went breathless.

“That tickles!”

“If don’t be nice, my beard my jump off, and attach itself on to you!”

Gasping, the young girl placed her hands on to her cheeks with shock as she reeled away. After a second of looking at him, she turned red, sticking out her tongue upon seeing his charmingly goofy little smirk.

“That won’t happen! Lady’s don’t grow beards. And gentleman’s beards don’t jump off!”

“But then how do the beards go away?” he mused, reaching out to fix her hair so that it wasn’t falling in front of her eyes.

“Daddy,” Hepsiba stressed, tapping her foot to the floor. “Gentlemen shave. I’ve seen you!”

His smile drew into his gaze, adding a glimmer to his softened features. He leaned forward, pressing a kiss against his sweet child’s forehead as he murmured, “Nothing gets past you, my precious Hepsiba. You are as clever as you are perceptive.”

Grinning from ear to ear, the wild-eyed child took a step back, quizzical as she asked: “What’s percy-eppy-chin?”

“Perception,” the nobleman pronounced slowly to the Illiad heiress, keeping his eyes fixed upon hers as he unlaced his other boot. “It means how you take in the world around you. The way I said it to you is a compliment. It means that you are able to look at what is around you, take in what you see, hear, taste, smell, and feel, and memorize those things very well. When I told you that you are very perceptive, I meant that you watched closely to the times I have shaved, and did a good job remembering me doing that.”

As he dropped his other sludge-covered boot down beside the other one, Hepsiba piped up with a tilt of her head, “So, that means I’m allowed to watch you shave?”

He chuckled gruffly. With arms open, he invited her back into another embrace, which she accepted with an overzealous squeak and thin little arms, wrapped around his neck.

“Of course you are, ‘Sibby,” he murmured, rubbing her small back gently. “It’s part of learning. You can ask me all the questions you want.”

Without pause, Hepsiba immediately spoke up: “Where were you at today, daddy?”

His entire body drew taunt and rigid. A shaky, slow breath of air expelled from his lungs.

“… Visiting someone,” the nobleman replied carefully, releasing his hold upon the girl.

Pleading eyes; full of the same butterscotch wonder her mom’s had, looked up at him as he got to his feet. Just as gentle, and unnerving in their love. Unwavering. It was almost a perfect parallel, and wrenched on his heart in the same manner.

“Is it a friend?” his daughter chimed innocently. “Is it the same friend you’ve been seeing all week?”

Amon fixated his eyes on his boots while removing his sopping wet socks. He was trying to find the words to say, but they would not come to him. A deep shame rose up like a vampire from his heart to feast once more upon him, leaving him feeling drained. Numb to the world, and disconnected.

“Can I go with you to meet them?’

He heard a soft gasp of alarm. His eyes snapped up, catching sight of Essie turning the corner. She had a hand over her soft lips in the shape of an ‘o’ as her eyes darted between him, and their girl.

“Hepsiba sweetie, sometimes people need privacy,” Essätha began in a shaky rush, ushering to the little girl with her hands. “Let’s give daddy some personal space right now, okay?”

The youthful child’s eyes looked up at him. They were a spectrum of emotion. Guilt, sadness, worry, hurt.

“Oh,” she softly whispered. “Okay.”

His heart shattered into a million fragments, hearing the deadened sound of his little girl’s voice for the first time.

“No, it’s okay, my Lady,” he rasped, forcing a tiny ghost of a smile as he peered down. The heartbroken face of his daughter glanced up at him, a shard of hope reigniting the flame in her eyes.

“Amon-”

Bending down to one knee again, he offered out his hand to the young girl. Her face was still full like a baby. In her eyes, he could still see the same curious look she’d had since the first time she’d opened them. There was a neverending series to her wonders, and she tried to test them all while asking a million questions.

They were innocent eyes. Unburdened and caring. Full of life and intrigue.

“The place I go is not exciting,” he acknowledged to Hepsiba with a gentle tone. “I sit; very quiet, for a long time. There are no toys, and nothing that can be climbed on. After I sit for a very long time, I leave to come home.”

The girl considered this for a moment. She looked into his face, and he shivered with awareness as though she was directly looking into his soul.

“I want to go,” she declared. Looking back at her mother’s face; poorly trying to disguise her horrified sorrow, ‘Sibby went on: “Can mommy come, too?”

He turned his eyes up from the girl’s pleading expression, to her mother’s horrified one. Essätha visibly swallowed as their eyes met. Her hand was still upon her face, covering some of the patchy scales on her cheek.

“My love, you don’t need to do this,” she whispered softly, turning her troubled eyes upon their daughter.

Their firstborn’s face looked torn. She was not so gullible not to pick up on the tension in the air, and it showed. Her head moved from the left to the right, staring at him and then her mother. Unable to decide if she was pushing the envelope too far with asking, but never really being in this new territory where people were not giving her the answers often handed so easily to her.

Pushing down the tortured feeling rising up his throat, Amon gave a short nod to the small child. His head felt numb to the motion. His mouth felt a bit dry.

“You may come,” he mumbled softly.

“We can all go?” Hepsiba gleefully asked, jumping closer to him. “Tomorrow? Like a family visit?”

There was a choked sound ahead of him, coming from Essie, but it was distant in the roar in his ears.

Wearing a thin, plastic smile, he rested a hand on top of his daughter’s head. Her face was a ray of sunshine. Engulfed in purity and awash with absolute love and goodness.

“Sure, ‘Sibby,” he agreed mechanically. “A family visit.”

His daughter’s eager grin stretched across her face. She was graced with love and radiance upon him. It felt like glue. The only thing holding him together.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

As they approached the gravesites, Amon could make out only his own boots in the still-damp grass. The others had stopped short. Tonight the sky was clear, and washed a sunset of pinks and purples that fell into the burning inferno of reds, oranges, and yellows that burned the horizon like a campfire.

He reached beneath his jerkin. Pulling out the locket, and the heavy necklace with the symbol of Pelor, he clutched both within his bare hand. His gaze cast upon the gravestones with heavy shadows beneath his eyes.

All was quiet. Yet he was aware of the presences not usually there. It made stiff his back. Crouching felt odd as he lowered himself, leveling his eyes with the name on the tombstone. To his lips, he brought the locket. His mouth moved, but the prayer were not uttered. Spoken from the heart, rather than his words.

They remained silent. The sky began to change colors further, as the sun moved lower. Their shadows stretched. The minutes ticked by.

Essätha made a hissing sound as Hepsiba wiggled her hand free from her own. Not daring to disturb the peace however, she did not move to bring her back as the young girl moved across the dewy grass to stand beside her father.

“What’s it say, daddy?”

Clearing his throat, Amon placed the two necklaces back beneath his shirt. The weight of his child’s gaze upon him was almost suffocating as he reached out. A tremble shook his hand that he couldn’t quite steady until he could hide it against the stable surface of the granite.

“Marie Farthing.”

Hepsiba was quiet for only a moment, before quietly asking: “Marie? Like my sister? Like Belle Marie Illiad?”

“Yes,” he whispered; words seizing up as he managed to continue on in a wavering voice: “Just like Belle.”

“What else does it say?”

“That she will be loved, and missed,” Amon uttered faintly; not daring his voice to transcribe the full length of the passage. He could not stare too deeply at the date of departure labeled on the plaque. It was the same calendar day, today. The anniversary of the most painful loss his heart ever knew.

“Who was she?

Part of him wanted to tell her not to ask anymore questions. They were simply too hard and too painful to want to answer, but she was still a babe. She had no idea of his ailments; his wounds. She did not understand her hunger for knowledge and understanding was like a knife, plunged into his heart.

“A young girl, years ago,” he acknowledged in dead monotone. “I raised her. She was like… like a daughter to me.”

The nobleman lowered his gaze respectfully to the mound of dirt. A light hand touched his cheek after a second, rousing his attention back to the child.

“It’s okay to be sad, daddy,” Hepsiba sagely murmured, placing her other hand over her heart. “Sometimes I go boo-boos on the inside. But they get better. Mommy say’s it’s okay to cry. It doesn’t feel very good, but it lets some of the sad out, and you’ll feel a little better.”

A well of tears brimmed in the corners of his eyes; blurring the figure out of focus in front of him.

She sounded so much like her mother. Wise and compassionate.

Her figure was almost a haunting silhouette of Marie’s, when he first met her.

He made a choking sound, and tiny little fingers rubbed the dampness beneath one of his eyes.

Reaching out, he grabbed hold of Hepsiba’s shoulders gently.

She stepped into his arms as he unhinged, falling completely to his knees.

Those tiny little arms wrapped around his neck, and held to him with an iron grip. The grief spilled out of him faster then he could dam it. Flooding from his eyes, falling in his daughter’s hair as she clutched to him.

Footsteps gradually approached his other side. A hand grazed his backside encouragingly, sliding against him.

Belle gurgled in her mother’s arms. Strangely silent the entire time on the sacred grounds, like she could sense the respects to be paid. Now cooing against his side, grabby fingers pulling on the cloth of his jerkin for attention.

Amon pulled one arm wound tight around his oldest daughter free, and placed it around Essie. She moved into him, a murmured word he couldn’t make out as a sob tore through him harshly. It clotted his throat. Life seemed to ebb and drain from him; through his tears cascading down into his beard.

He clutched to his family, and they held him as he collapsed. Even Hepsiba; all of them encircled in a tight embrace.

For the life that feel from his red, swollen eyes and stained cheeks, a replenishment was found in those warm loving arms.

They were pressed so tightly together, there was hardly any space between them. He could turn his face easily, from one to the other, and kiss upon their faces from one of his three beautiful girls to the other.

‘Sibby’s fingers tightened into his jerkin, and Essie kissed the tears collecting against his eyes.

It was impossible, to hurt so much and yet feel so grateful at once. But he felt it all. The tearing and the mending. The scars, and the elixir of kintsugi pottery that now healed his heart. The longing ache for his sweetheart Marie, who he would never get to hold again in this life and his ultimate joy, getting to hold those safely in his grasp now. The agony knowing he had so tragically failed one, and the determination to never, ever fail another.

“I love you daddy,” Hepsiba affirmed, as though she knew. Her words were muffled against his sobbing, and nearly lost in his coat, but by Pelor, it was there. A knowing beyond her age.

“I love you too, sweetheart,” Amon expressed in a cracked voice. Some way, some how, he pulled them all in closer. A huddled mass, with the knees of their clothes now grass-stained and hair wet with his tears as he pressed kisses against their cheeks and foreheads, over and over again.

Staring into the eyes of Isabelle Marie Illiad, as she grinned a toothless smile and gripped his beard. Looking down upon the top of ‘Sibby’s head, as she burrowed herself against him. Feeling the hum in Essie’s throat as she rested her chin on top of him, so that he was literally in every way, in every corner, surrounded by love and protection. Held with arms all around him.

“Daddy loves you; all of you, with all his heart.”

A docile, quiet little voice hushed against his chest, whispering: “Promise?”

The air sucked out of him all at once, and he grasped them all as tightly as he could to his body, his voice hoarse with emotion:

“I promise.”