#it's the place of many childhood memories

[notjustjavierpena]

Parents

Series Masterpost | Main Masterpost | Support a disabled creator

A/N: Merry belated Christmas from me! I know this is my second Christmas fic this time around but I finally got the courage to write about Wife’s awful parents. 

Summary: Javier puts his foot down during Christmas with your toxic family. 

Pairing: Javier Peña x f!reader/you (no y/n)

Tags: Toxic family dynamics, psychological abuse, childhood trauma, Christmas, conflict and confrontation, sobbing, declarations of love, hurt/comfort, body/fat shaming

Word count: 5.7k

Link to this work on AO3: https://archiveofourown.org/works/61942318

Parents

You get a call from your parents’ home number a few weeks before Christmas. Your mother and father haven't actually bothered seeing you since your wedding day last year but Lucas is four months old now and there’s suddenly a strange interest from them in being grandparents to your firstborn. Somehow, they talk you into spending Christmas with them and reassure you that they’ll take care of everything as long as you bring their grandson. The whole idea causes a ball of anxiety to settle in your stomach, almost imitating getting hit right in the solar plexus with how much your breath struggles to even out as you tell Javier about it. Your husband agrees reluctantly but not without raising a concerned brow, asking you several times - and with days between each time - if you are absolutely sure. 

He even asks you now as he parks the car in your parents’ driveway, looking at you with a serious expression, brows furrowed while you sit stiffly in the passenger seat. You glance towards the front door, trying to act casual as if you’re staring at a wild animal who might pounce if it notices your anxiety. It is an odd feeling you get, staring at your childhood home but feeling more as if it is the scene of a crime. This house is not a memory of warm and fuzzy feelings but rather a place of constant criticism and unjust pain. 

Javier says your name softly beside you. On the backseat, Lucas hiccups.

“Do I look okay?” You quickly ask instead of acknowledging the tone of his voice, fixing your hair without changing anything. 

“Yeah,” he answers and tries not to comment on your nerves, “You look beautiful, mi amor (my love).”

The call from two weeks ago had your shoulders tensing up before you even answered the phone but the way they had reasoned you into revisiting the place of your hardest years has made your shoulders not come down again. 

You sigh gently and unbuckle your seatbelt, “Okay. I can do this for just an afternoon. Let’s get this over with.”

You climb out of the car, Javier following you after carefully unbuckling Lucas and cradling him in one arm while balancing the diaper bag on the other shoulder. You leave his car seat, knowing how much easier it would have been to transport your son inside in it but Lucas has been fussy all night. You really wish he hadn’t because you don’t want to go inside with only half the energy that a good night’s sleep could have provided. 

As you ring the doorbell, you take a look at Javier one last time, “Please don’t interfere. I don’t want to make everyone uncomfortable.”

“Baby, are you sure that—“

“Oh, there you are!” Your mother exclaims when she opens the door with a syrupy smile, “We were starting to wonder if you’d gotten lost.”

“Sorry. Life with a baby and all,” you shake your head with an embarrassed chuckle and try to ignore the tension in your muscles, shrugging your coat off your shoulders to reveal your wine-red button-up and dark skirt. 

“Honey, I thought you knew we always dress up a little during the Holidays,” your mother says while glancing at your outfit with veiled disdain, “Where’s that nice blue dress? With the ribbons?”

“This is all that fits me right now, that isn’t maternity clothes,” you answer apologetically at the first jab of many. Beside you, Javier takes a step closer to you without saying anything. 

“Anyway! Where’s the little man?” Your mother chirps, already having moved on and looking to Lucas who has started stirring in Javier’s arms. When she gets closer, about to reach out to run a hand over his little head, Lucas immediately starts whimpering as if he is aware of the unpleasantries that his mother has had to endure at the mercy of this woman. He knows the culprits before they’ve even revealed themselves. 

“Oh, he’s a little fussy, isn’t he?” She laughs it off and retreats much to your relief, letting Javier bounce your son to make him settle down again. When he quietens down again, you share a glance with your husband who signals that everything is okay. You take a deep breath and let him handle the situation. 

“Where’s Dad?” You ask to turn your attention away from your crying child, smoothing out a nonexistent crease in your skirt. 

“I think he’s just about to get the turkey out of the oven,” your mother says, wagging a finger in Lucas’ face with a little smile, “Why don’t you go say hi and I talk to my grandson for a moment? Oh, look at you, Lucas! You’re just perfect, aren’t you?”

You reluctantly leave the three of them to head for the kitchen. You can feel each family photograph staring back at you as you walk through the hallway to your destination; a picture of your five-year-old self on a bike but somehow no picture of your graduation ceremony as if it has been decided where things went wrong before you could acknowledge it yourself. 

“Hey Dad, smells so good in here,” the kitchen does indeed smell wonderfully as you walk through the door. Your father looks at you over his shoulder, giving you a little smile and you try not to think about how he didn’t bother to come out to greet you. 

“Mom and I were wondering if you were ever coming,” he notes while plating pieces of turkey meat. In the hallway, you can hear Javier striking up polite conversation. He’s handling your mother with his usual calmness, and you feel grateful for his presence yet embarrassed that you aren’t strong enough to handle it yourself.

You shrug a little, Javier’s presence giving you the courage to try and mirror said calmness, “Newborns, you know.”

“He’s four months,” he corrects. 

“Right, time flies,” you reply with your confidence fading fast, the words coming out in a way that doesn’t quite carry the quick wit that Javier usually loves about you. You touch your arm, standing awkwardly by the counter, “Still figuring it out as we go.”

Your father doesn’t turn around, “Parenting’s not rocket science, you know. Your mother and I managed just fine without all the made-up nonsense you young people talk about these days.”

You jump a little as your mother puts a hand on your shoulder and says your name to get your attention. You look back at her, “Can you set the table? I put the tablecloth ready on the silverware cabinet.”

“Sure, Mom,” you smile, already heading for the dining room to escape from your father’s subtle judgments. You find Javier has already gone, an irrational thought popping into your head of how he has bolted and left you to deal with your mom and dad by yourself. 

You glance into the kitchen as you start placing the plates in each of their respective places, “Where’s Javier?”

“He went to get the presents from the car,” your mother replies from the kitchen. You hear her take out a serving bowl from a cabinet. 

“Oh, I should go help him wi—“ 

“He’s your husband, sweetie. Let him handle it. There’s no need to emasculate him like that,” she is suddenly in the doorway, staring you down in a way that makes your hands shake. Her gaze drops to the table and her brows furrow, “You’re using the wrong plates!”

You look up with a racing heartbeat, “What?”

She sighs your name audibly, “These aren’t the Christmas plates. We don’t use regular plates for special occasions. Honestly, I thought you’d know better.”

The words sting and you set down the plates you have been holding in case the littlest twitch will make you drop it onto the floor, “Sorry, Mom.” 

“Ah well, now you’ll never forget it,” she jokes without humor in her voice as she opens the door to the china cabinet, pulling out the plates adorned with what you recognize to be hand-painted holly. You shamefully realize you know them from childhood Christmases and that they are exactly where they’ve always been. 

Automatically, you gather the wrong plates to make room for the right ones. It’s Christmas, you remind yourself as you do it. It is one day. You can survive one day. 

“See? Isn’t this much better?” She says cheerfully when your mistake has been corrected and while you nod, Javier reenters the house. 

He joins the two of you, carrying a large gift bag in one hand and holding Lucas on the other arm. You immediately go to take him, doing a careful transfer until you can lay his tiny body against your shoulder while supporting his bottom. 

“¿Todo bien? (Everything okay?)” Javier asks quietly when you follow him into the living room where the tree stands. He sets down the bag and tries to act casual, laying out the gifts and waiting for your honest response in the meantime. Apparently, you haven’t been as successful in hiding the distress on your face as you thought you had. 

You force a smile that doesn’t reach your eyes and Lucas starts whining again. You bounce him gently, “It’s nothing. Just… Christmas stuff.”

Javier glances toward the hallway to the kitchen where your parents’ voices can be heard faintly over the sounds of cooking. His jaw tightens slightly and his mouth becomes a thin line. 

“Don’t,” you say as firmly as you can muster because you wish he would, “It’ll only make it worse.”

“Dame un beso (give me a kiss),” he says instead, and you shyly lean in to peck him on the lips. Afterward, he pulls back but only after stroking Lucas’ back, “You’re both doing great, okay? Don’t let them get in your head.”

You are interrupted by your mother’s voice ringing out from the dining room, telling you that dinner is ready. Javier kisses you one last time before reassuring you that everything will be okay and that he is in your corner. You try to smile, tense as you take a seat with Lucas still in your arms. 

The Christmas meal begins with polite conversation, your father asking Javier about work and your mother telling you about neighbors that you haven’t spoken to in years. You mostly just speak when spoken to, having decided to focus on your baby as he keeps wriggling in your arms in discomfort. You try to rub his belly, try to make him settle by giving him your attention but still, his tiny face crumbles and he lets out a string of small complaints. 

“Maybe we could open presents while he naps?” You suggest hesitantly when your mother has given you enough judgemental advice, “He’s been so fussy all night, and I don’t want him to get more overwhelmed than he—”

“Oh, for heaven’s sake,” your mother says your name with a sigh. You hear Javier’s chair scrape against the floor, almost as if he is about to get up and get ready for a physical altercation.

“Let’s do whatever is easiest for the baby,” your father interrupts, placing a hand on your mother’s wrist. Her annoyance shines through her eyes but she nods with a smile nonetheless. 

“Of course,” you hear her grit out, “It’s just… We’d love to spend time with him. We’ve already missed so much, and Luke needs his grandparents.”

“We’ll see,” Javier answers for you. 

The dinner continues in mostly silence with turkey being substituted by pie, cutlery clinking against plates, and glasses being lifted and set down again. There’s tension so thick that it can be cut with a knife, your mother glancing at Lucas with a smile before it disappears from her face when she shifts her gaze to your direction.  

Mercilessly, she finally speaks, “So, honey, have you thought about when you’ll start losing the baby weight?”

“Mom!” You exclaim in shock, surprised that sound comes out when your throat feels like it is about to close up completely.

In the same manner as one would spit out a drink in shock, Javier’s fork scrapes unpleasantly against his plate, and suddenly, your mother’s name falls from his lips like the sound itself leaves him with a bad taste in his mouth. She looks startled by the interruption, almost like a deer in the headlights of a car, but it doesn’t faze your husband, “My wife looks beautiful and she has just given me - us - the greatest gift which is our son. Let’s not diminish that, shall we?”

You try to feel the weight of Lucas against your chest instead of how you don’t feel safe within this house, with its bruises on the walls and its ghosts of a youth spent walking on eggshells. Lucas’ body is warm, a reminder that this doesn’t matter. He matters. 

“I’m focused on taking care of my son right now, Mom,” you reply coolly with your lips resting on the soft hairs on Lucas’ head. 

“Right, of course. I didn’t mean anything by it,” your mother argues, clearly flustered, “You know how important it is to stay healthy for the baby.”

“Your mother just wants what’s best for you, honey,” your father intervenes, trying to steer the conversation onto friendlier and safer topics but she has already gotten up from her seat. 

“Why don’t I clear the table so we can move into the living room and open presents?” She mumbles, putting on a show by letting her voice waver. She has begun stacking plates before anyone can even say anything, practically fleeing the room and leaving you all looking slightly sheepish. Javier hides the roll of his eyes exceptionally well and he smiles when you catch him.

“I’ll put Lucas down for a nap,” you announce to what is left of the party.

Javier gets up alongside you to help you. He walks upstairs right behind you, a calming presence with the diaper bag in hand as you head for the guest room.

When you close the door behind the three of you, the tension seeps out of your body at having a quiet moment with your boys. The lighting in the room is soft and calming, almost making you want to lie down to nap with your son. 

“There we go,” you say as you gently place Lucas on the bed while Javier rummages through the bag for his pacifier. Lucas blinks up at you, his tiny fists balled and his chubby legs kicking excitedly. He lets out a happy gurgle.

“Oh, now you’re happy,” you tease softly and kneel by the bed to rub his tummy, “Picky with who we’re smiling at, are we?” 

Javier joins you by the bed and offers Lucas his pacifier. Your son stretches his arms and reaches for his father, letting out a high-pitched giggle around the pacifier. However, as he suckles gently, accompanied by your soft touch that has now moved to his chubby cheeks too, his eyelids start to grow heavy. 

When his breaths have slowed, you do whatever you can with the pillows to create a safe space for him to sleep. You create a barrier around him, ensuring as well as possible that he won’t roll over. 

“You know, you’d think that they would have set up a crib for him if they’re so desperate to see him,” you murmur bitterly as you adjust the last pillow.

“You sure you want to go back down there?” Javier asks carefully. 

“Can you grab the baby monitor?” You ignore his question at first but Javier is already handing you the monitor, ruining your attempt at not addressing the situation further. You sigh and get up from the floor, “I can get through it. If it’ll make them stop pestering me for a visit for a while.”

“I swear, one more word out of her mouth and I’ll open my own,” Javier says with anger simmering just beneath the surface. He drags you into his arms when you stand up again, hears your sigh of relief at being squeezed. It calms your nervous system so effectively that you slump. 

“Believe me, I feel like I am going insane,” you whisper into his neck and shoulder, grabbing aimlessly at his strong frame and inhaling his scent. He returns the desperate touch by simply rubbing your back in slow circles. 

“Yeah, I don’t know how you stay so calm,” he kisses your temple a few times. 

“Trust me, humans can endure a lot when they know there’s a time limit,” you chuckle humorlessly and pull away, “Let’s just do the gift exchange and leave.”

Downstairs, your parents are waiting for you by the tree. The collection of presents is sparse this year due to the short notice but you find it relieving to know that the gift exchange will be over quickly. 

Placing the baby monitor on the coffee table, you sit down on the sofa but don’t allow yourself to relax into it. Javier drops down beside you but leans back into his seat, his hand resting casually on your thigh to ground you. 

“Let’s get to the gifts. It’ll be nice to end this day on a happy note,” your mother says overly cheerfully, pretending to have forgiven and forgotten all about the situation earlier. She reaches for the first gift under the tree while your father stands ready with a bag for the wrapping paper. 

“That’s mine,” Javier tells her with a little smirk in your direction. He holds out his hand until she gives it to him, “To my beautiful wife. Merry Christmas, baby.”

“How thoughtful,” your mother mumbles and sits on the edge of her armchair. 

“Javi, I thought we weren’t on gifts this year,” you scold playfully but there’s no seriousness to your voice. You finally smile and this time it is genuine, feeling his gaze on you while you impatiently rip the wrapping. 

“I know what I said but I know you’ll love it. It’s more for Lucas anyway,” he informs you shyly. 

Inside, you find two pairs of identical fuzzy and comfortable socks with a dinosaur print on them. However, one pair fits Lucas’ tiny feet and the other fits yours. Your whole demeanor changes with the sight of your gift, your face lighting up with a bright smile, “These are so cute!”

“For your cold feet. Thought you could use something cozy while you take care of Luke at home,” he moves his hand to rest just above the small of your back, his palm smoothing over you on top of the fabric of your blouse. 

Your parents sit idly by. They stare at the gift with confusion and arrogance, clearly holding their tongue over how ridiculous they find it. Your mother picks at her fingers, “Interesting.”

“Interesting? Aren’t they adorable?” You hold the matching socks up happily, not sure what to expect but not even your mother’s judgmental expression can bring you down right now. To really rub it in, you kiss Javier’s mouth gently in front of them, “Gracias, esposo (Thank you, husband).”

But the happiness is short-lived as your father goes to get the next present from the small pile. He searches for a moment amongst the few there are, deliberately seeking out the present that you have brought them, most likely to be able to leave the room soon due to the obvious tension. He has never been one to intervene. 

“You shouldn’t have,” your mother tuts with a small smile as she carefully unwraps it in her lap, her fingers doing everything they can to not tear the paper so she can reuse it. 

When the framed picture of Lucas is revealed - a photo taken during an afternoon when he was particularly happy and smiling - her smile develops into a slightly wider one even if it looks against her will. She studies the picture with your father looking over her shoulder. 

“We thought you’d like something to remember him by,” you encourage her to say something. 

Your mother places the photo on the coffee table, her hands smoothing out the wrapping paper while she talks, “It’s lovely, sweetie. Though I’m sure we’d have more memories if we got to see him more often.”

You tense up beside Javier. Out of the corner of your eye, you see him do the same but he squeezes your hip to tell you that he is right there. Anxiously, you curl your fingers into your skirt but your mother isn’t finished.

“I just don’t understand why you’ve been so distant,” she continues, cold in her tone. “You hardly call, which would be fine but you visit even less than that, and now you’re letting Lucas sleep through his first Christmas. It’s not like you’ve gone back to work, so what is it?”

“Mom, please,” you say quietly but it doesn’t veil the wavering of your words, “I’m doing the best I can.”

“Are you?” She challenges, “Lucas has been fussing all night, hasn’t he? Maybe he’s picking up on your stress.”

You hear Javier say your mother’s name as he had during dinner, low and with warning. At the same moment, the baby monitor crackles with the sound of Lucas’ tiny complaints. The sound pulls you from your seat, your instincts to go to him overriding your desire to defend yourself from further abuse. However, your mother’s voice rings out behind you just as you take your first step.

She rolls her eyes, “Oh, just let him cry a little. You’ll make him clingy if you keep running to him every time he whimpers.”

You stop in your tracks, finally turning around to look her in the eye with your own eyes narrowed. You can see Javier watching you closely while you talk, “Mom, if he cries, he needs me.”

According to you, she has already gone too far but it seems that she cannot stop once she has started, “You know, you really should stop babying him so much. He needs to learn to self-soothe.”

Tears of frustration start to build in your chest and you can feel the muscles of your throat start to tighten as they rise to your eyes, “Jesus Christ, Mom, I’m not going to stop babying my baby.”

Her final blow comes out with a deliberate intention to hurt you, “There you go overthinking again and snapping at your mother. He is whimpering. Honestly, sometimes I wonder how Javier puts up with it. You can be such a bitch when you’re stressed.”

The room falls dead silent and the first tear escapes your eye at the cruel nickname… then a second and then a third until you start to cry silently and hopelessly. You suddenly feel like a teenager again, suffering from forced proximity. Your father opens his mouth but nothing comes out, seemingly not able to figure out how to defend his wife for once. It is the final straw for Javier.

“What did you just say?” He firmly cuts through the silence. He has gotten up from his seat and has stepped in front of you to shield you protectively from your mother’s line of sight. His nostrils flare with anger that might explode into rage at any moment but he keeps his voice steady, “You better not have said what I think you did or I am wondering why you haven’t apologized already.”

Your mother’s eyes widen at the idea of consequences. She splutters, caught off guard, “Apologize? Javier, don’t be ridiculous! I’m her mother—“

Javier laughs dangerously and condescendingly and looks away with a roll of his eyes. He shakes his head, not afraid to let the room know that he thinks she sounds pathetic without even calling her out on it. He crosses his arms over his chest, “You got a hell of a way of showing motherly love then; all you have done is tear her down today.”

“Javier,” your father tries to interject, “Let’s not make this into a scene.”

“No,” Javier turns to him, his jaw muscles flexing slightly underneath his skin with how much anger is flowing through him. The simple word makes your father sit up straighter than before - a testament to Javier’s days in Colombia - but Javier is not done, “You don’t get to lecture me about making a scene. Not after sitting there and letting this happen. She is your daughter.”

When your father has shut his mouth, looking uncomfortable by his defeat while he leans back into his seat with no intention to follow up on his words, Javier’s fury settles on your mother once more, “What’s your goal here, exactly?”

You’re aware that it isn’t just a simple few tears falling from your eyes anymore but rather a silent stream that has your face puffy and sensitive. It is accompanied by grief over your younger self not having had someone like Javier in her corner. You sniffle audibly, feeling as if you have been punched in the gut with how much it hurts and humiliates you to sit idly by. Your mother catches a glimpse of you behind your husband but it doesn’t seem to have any effect whatsoever. 

“There’s no secret agenda here, for God’s sake. I didn’t mean anything by it,” she sneers, trying to keep her demeanor straight despite the humiliation of getting called out being evident on her face. 

“Yes, you did,” Javier argues immediately and fiercely, pointing his index finger at her in an accusing manner, “You knew exactly what you were saying. You wanted her to hurt. Well congratulations, you’ve succeeded. Unfortunately, your daughter is a lot nicer than me and handled your words with a lot more grace than you deserve. I will not be doing the same thing.”

Your mother’s composure falters. She says your father’s name helplessly but he looks at her with tired eyes, full of quiet disappointment. Even if he is absent and passive like always, his refusal to intervene further is a sign that he would never go as far as his wife has just done. He shakes his head in disapproval, “Why’d you do it? We were having such a nice time too.”

She gapes at your father while his gaze drops to his lap, shrinking herself slightly at the realization that she is outnumbered and has to face your husband alone. Javier takes a step closer, radiating authority when she tries to avoid further confrontation, distaste so clear on his face for how he has lost her attention for a moment. When you let out a quiet sob, too paralyzed in your spot on the couch to go to your whimpering child, his face hardens further and he continues, “Listen to me.”

Your mother looks up reluctantly. She appears to be on the brink of an attempt to turn his words against him and argue right back once more, but Javier cuts her off before she can even start. 

“You don’t talk to her like that again. Ever. And you most certainly do not question her ability to be a mother. She is a perfect mother and God knows, she hasn’t gotten it from you. Lucas is a happy, healthy, and thriving baby because of her,” he takes a breath, and for a second, it seems like he might be done but then, “You hurt my girl, you understand that? And if you ever speak to her like that again - actually if you even speak about her like that again -  I will personally make sure you don’t get to have Lucas in your life.”

“Are you threatening us?” Her composure slips even more. 

“No, ma’am, I am instructing you,” he replies coldly, “If you can’t respect his mother, we’re done here.”

Javier turns to you now, his face softening immediately at the sight of you sitting teary-eyed on the couch with your hands clutching the baby monitor. He says your name so softly, a sound that has always felt like an unfamiliar and unwelcome sound within this house, and gently pulls the piece of technology out of your hands. 

“Listen to me, baby. Go wait in the car. I’ll get Lucas and his things,” he instructs you, placing the baby monitor on the coffee table behind him without looking away from you. He helps you to stand when you find yourself nodding. 

When you’re up from your seat, he puts a hand on the small of your back to guide you towards the door. He doesn’t say anything, doesn’t let you linger in the room. 

“You don’t have to leave,” your mother protests with obvious surprise that you and Javier are carrying out the promise of consequences. She begins pushing herself to stand. 

“Sit down, I will not let you disturb any of the peace she has left,” he commands harshly when she tries to take a step toward you. 

Your mother falters, stunned by his audacity, and sinks back into her seat.

The moment you’re out of the front door, your legs start shaking so badly beneath you that you aren’t sure if you’ll even make it to the car. The walk feels endless, like climbing a mountain, the neighborhood surrounding your childhood home quiet because everyone is inside with the happy family that you never got to have growing up. 

Until now. You have it now. However, you have left them to fend for themselves on the battlefield to slide into the front seat of the car. You rub your chest as it feels tight but it soothes nothing and suddenly, the tears come harder than they had in the living room. You rest your head against the glass window, screwing your eyes shut and feeling drips of hot tears on your cheeks.

Memories come flooding and you have no power to stop them, pictures of many nights spent in solitude in your room because it was the only illusion of sanctuary in the house before you. The sound of your mother’s scoffs, her unbearable ability to make you feel small, inadequate, and unwanted. Her year-long cruelty feels like a knife in your chest but your father’s silent complicity twists its blade too, makes you think that you were never worthy of defending. 

Yet Javier had done it so effortlessly, had done what you’d wished someone would have done for you in your entire life, and he had done it without any hesitation. You are shattered by another night believing the worst about yourself, yes, but you realize that a part of your sobs comes from relief too. Suddenly, it all feels silly and you don’t know why you have always stopped Javier from speaking up for you since you met because his words - she is a perfect mother - have taken the power out of your mother’s incredibly fast. 

You hear the front door open and a shaky sob leaves you at seeing the two of your boys approach the car. Javier has the diaper bag over his shoulder whilst cradling Lucas against his chest, his face serious. He moves in long strides to get to you fast, not saying anything as he buckles Lucas’ sleeping form into his car seat before climbing into his own seat in the front. 

You sit up again, eyes still brimming with tears that streak your face. You feel overwhelmed like you have run a marathon or fought a bear or a monster. 

Javier puts on his seatbelt but doesn’t put the key in the ignition yet. He looks out of the windshield for a moment, breathes a sigh of relief. The car is quiet except for Lucas’ soft breaths as he sleeps.

Right until Javier says your name when you don’t automatically turn your head to look at him, ashamed of how the day has progressed. It is Christmas, after all, and Lucas’ first one ever too. 

“Mírame (Look at me),” he says in a gentle murmur. 

You shake your head, unable to answer with how tightly wound you are. You feel his hand under your chin, carefully pulling you by your chin until your eyes meet his. His outline is blurry from all the tears but his voice cuts through the fog in gentle firmness. 

“I love you so much, and I love our son, okay?” He says it like it is a promise, “They aren't ever gonna to talk to you like that again because I won't allow them to. Do you understand me?”

You silently look at him through your tears, nodding weakly. He reaches to brush your tears away with a knuckle. 

“Everything’s gonna be okay because you don’t have to see them if you don’t want to. You just have to let me take care of you,” he continues and cups your cheek instead, “And right now, I say you’re done with them for tonight. Actually, for as long as you fucking want.”

“I want… I don’t…” You say at first but then, “I’m sorry.”

Javier furrows his brows, “Why are you sorry?” 

“Because that’s my mom,” you try to speak around a fresh sob, “And you married me and I trapped you with my fucked up family.”

“Hey, heyheyhey,” he shakes his head, moving his other hand to cup your whole face now. He leans over the console of the car and rests his forehead against yours. When you simply cry harder, he pulls you into a hug, “You didn’t trap me, okay? You didn’t. I’m here because you make me happy. You make me so happy, baby, and Hell knows, I needed a bit of taking care of when you met me. Let me return the favor.”

His body is warm, soothing, and grounding. His embrace squeezes you hard enough to make you calm down, giving you a moment of quiet peace in your mind as you begin to take in his words. You feel the same. You want to say it but you’re afraid that you’ll never stop crying tonight, so instead you find the courage to say those words that you should have told yourself years ago, “I don’t think I want to go back.”

“What do you want to do then?” Javier pulls back to look at you. He moves back into his own seat again and starts the car to give you time to think clearly about his question. 

“Can we go to your dad’s?” You ask hesitantly. 

Javier’s brows rise slightly but he doesn’t argue, just nods as he puts the car in reverse. Before reversing out of the driveway, he pulls you in to kiss your forehead softly. 

“Claro, mi amor (Sure, my love),” he says simply, “He’d love to see us.”

.

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[antichrists-plus1]

"Sometimes when animals die, they don't know they are dead. They simply roam the woods forever."

Edwin and Charles had been sent to a forest in the Southern countryside following reports of something taking unsuspecting ghosts that strolled through them at night, and thought it best to scope out the area and search for clues before it got dark.

On the outskirts of where the trees fade into country plain, they come across a summer home attached with vacant horse stables. The owners do not appear to be present and the land looks overgrown and unkept, so it's safe to assume the place is abandoned. As the two walk out and look to the vast plain outside the forest, they see something peculiar in the distance.

They've seen a few animal spirits in their years of investigating, but never have they seen one of a horse. Edwin looks at the creature with awestricken eyes and approaches it slowly.

"When i was alive, my family kept a a horse for me in a stable outside our estate." Edwin is careful not to startle the creature as he moves closer, Charles following a few steps back. The cool light it radiates contrasts with the orange hues in the now setting sky. "I never had many friends in life and my parents never kept pets, so i found her one of my only companions throughout my childhood. My father sold her once i began public school."

"And this one, it reminds you of her, does it?" Charles asks quietly, as not to disturb both the creature and whatever state Edwin is in that he feels compelled to open up about his past.

Edwin considers for a moment. "Yes, actually, I..." He pauses.

It's been so long that he doesn't realize it at first, but the summerhouse is all the sudden very familiar. It starts to come back to him, distant memories of the old cottage of the family friend his horse was sold to that he visited during summer break. The summer of 1915 was the last time he visited his old friend in these stables.

There's no evidence that this is his horse, there's probably been dozens of horses here in the years since. Still, the way it responds to Edwin's touch when he finally comes close enough to gently rest a hand on it's skeletal neck: relaxed, almost leaning into it, makes hope bloom in his chest. It's when she leans her head forward, pressing her muzzle against his chest, that Edwin knows it's her. It was a strange gesture, and one he used to complain would dirty the front of his vest, but it was always her strange way of greeting.

Charles rests a hand on his shoulder, and Edwin is startled out of his nostalgia-induced trance. "Y'know mate, i might have some horse riding equipment still in my bag from the case of the disappearing farm. Might be easier to get around these woods at night with a glowing horse." Charles's smile is bright, and Edwin feels impossibly warm under the companionship of his two oldest friends. Edwin turns to him with a sparkle in his eyes, only partially from the glow of the horse in front of him.

"Brilliant idea, Charles."

[burningembers91]

Fuscia Pink Kisses - Choi Su-Bong x Fem!Reader

Follow up piece to:

Not Who I Want to Be

The Beauty of Vulnerability

Synopsis: When Choi Su-Bong celebrates your birthday, he receives potentially life changing news

A/N: This is a reupload. I originally posted this yesterday, but for some reason this fic kept being hidden, so i have reposted :)

It’s true what people said: just as one part of your life started going well, another part fell to shit. Your relationship with Su-Bong was going from strength to strength. The two of you were so perfect for each other and neither of you could quite believe it was real. He hadn’t stopped smiling in months, hadn’t felt the need to numb his existence with a bottle of vodka or a brightly coloured pill. You were so enveloped in the blissful bubble of love, that nothing else seemed to matter.

Su-Bong had been thinking seriously about his music and career as well. Thanos was well and truly gone; his devilish alter ego died the night he met you. He wanted to rebrand, wanted to use his own name and make songs that were about more than just partying and sex. His record label hadn’t like that though. They’d signed Thanos, not Su-Bong. People were interested in his brand, not the person behind the crazy purple hair and tattoos. He’d been dropped by his label two weeks ago, a decision that had crushed him and almost made him reach for a substance to numb his brain.

You’d stayed by his side though, holding him as he cried and tried to wrap his head around the bombshell decision he’d had no say in. His whole career had gone up in smoke, simply because he didn’t want to play the part of a false character anymore. The comments on social media were just as bad. Su-Bong had been called every name under the sun, he’d been referred to as a fake more times than he could count and each insult cut as much as the last.

He was determined to stay true to himself though. To make the music he wanted, to be the person that he knew would make you proud. It had been you who’d suggested he return to YouTube. It was how he got famous in the first place, recording himself rapping in his childhood bedroom. He returned under his real name, his songs now focused on softer subjects. He still rapped, but his songs now featured softer R ‘n’ B melodies. The response had been promising, attracting a new kind of fan base, but he wasn’t sure he’d ever have the fame that Thanos did.

He’d thought about moving as well, finding a new apartment that reflected his new life. His old place held too many negative memories and he’d outgrown the space. He wanted somewhere that he could grow with you, somewhere he could create a life with the person he held the most dear. He was waiting to broach the subject with you, waiting until he’d found a place he knew you’d love. Despite the downturn of his career, Su-Bong had bigger things to focus on.

Today was your birthday, and he intended on spoiling you beyond your wildest dreams. You’d gone shopping at the weekend, picking out a bright fuscia pink mini dress you’d seen in the shop. You usually wore more muted colours, but your boyfriend’s love of bright colours had influenced you to try something new. The colour looked incredible on you, and Su-Bong couldn’t resist dying his hair and painting his nails to match. You’d giggled when you saw the shock of pick hair on his head, pulling him in for a kiss as he spun you around his vast living room.

“Happy birthday, Señorita,” he whispered, smothering you with kisses.

“Gracias, senor,” you smiled, cupping his cheeks in your hands as your eyes explored his handsome face. His skin was glowing, his eyes were brighter and for the first time since you’d met him, his smile reached his eyes. You were so glad you’d taken a chance on him; life with Su-Bong was nothing short of perfection.

He’d showered you with gifts, the presents piled high next to the sofa. He’d ordered from your favourite restaurant for breakfast, making sure you had the biggest mug of your favourite coffee. Nothing was too much when it came to you; Su-Bong would get you the moon if you asked him.

He made love to you for hours, drawing out your pleasure again and again until your shaking body could take no more. He would never tire of the way you felt, the way you tasted, the way you sounded as he brought you to the brink of bliss again and again. He could have laid there with you all day, just the two of you between his sheets. But he’d promised you a fancy dinner, and he was dying to see you in your new dress.

You looked more beautiful than he ever could have imagined, the bright pink of the dress accentuating the colour of your eyes, the colour of your skin, still flushed from the orgasms he’d given you.

“I adore you,” Su-Bong whispered, pulling you close against his taut frame, inhaling your floral scent. His hair and nails matched so perfectly to your dress, but tonight you would be the star of the show. He took you to the fanciest restaurant, hiring a private room just for the two of away from the prying eyes of his former fans. Time seemed to both stand still and somehow accelerate with you. Su-Bong had all the time in the world with you, and yet it never seemed to be enough. You ate until your stomachs were full to bursting, your eyes welling with tears of laughter. No one made you laugh as much as he did, no one made you feel as safe.

Sleep evaded him that night, and he stared up at his ceiling as your sleeping form lay nestled against his chest. He felt agitated, on edge, but couldn’t figure out why. Picking up his phone, he scrolled through his emails, coming to a stop when he found an email from a record company. They’d seen his new music and they were interested in talking to him. He looked over you, so beautiful and peaceful as you slept. His excitement was almost overwhelming, but you looked too comfortable to wake up now. He would wait until the morning to tell you. You were his muse, the subject of every song he’d written in the last 3 months. He hoped this meeting would bring only good things, and he hoped you would join him for the ride.

[wenella]

Seeking Zhu Yilong

EN translation of Zhu Yilong X Marie Clarie Jan 2025 Cover Issue Feature Interview by wenella

The search for “Zhu Yilong” started after Dongji Island wrapped.

Zhu Yilong’s 7-month life on the set ended at night. When Zhu Yilong finished his last scene underwater that night, his body was filled with the character’s emotions, and he was overwhelmed by fatigue. He didn’t come back to his senses even when he heard the director yelled, “it’s a wrap!” It was not until the director jumped into the water to celebrate with him that he felt a huge sense of relief. It was finally time to say goodbye to his role Luo Xiao.

Zhu Yilong's role in the movie "Dongji Island" required him to perform many scenes underwater. He had to perform actions and deliver emotions while going with the flow of the water and ensuring that he did not choke. This is his toughest role so far.

Over the past decade, Zhu Yilong has played a variety of characters. His career is akin to a life simulation game; he levels up by collecting different characters. Once the camera rolls, he can be anyone, except Zhu Yilong. After leveling up, he quickly turns back into Zhu Yilong and doesn’t linger in the lives of others.

Zhu Yilong often jokes that he will get "sick" after each film. Once he wraps, it is as though all the taut strings in his body suddenly loosen and his only desire is to lie down and do nothing. This time, Zhu Yilong returned to Beijing and rested at home for a few days. In the past, he always looked forward to diving, swimming, or relaxing by the beach during his break. "I think I swam enough for Dongji Island this time.  I don't want to (go to the beach) for the time being, I just want to rest."

In the past, Zhu Yilong could separate himself from his role after wrapping by changing his clothes or getting a haircut. However, over the past year, he has found it increasingly difficult to remove the lingering traces of his characters on him. These traces remain in him even though he has bid farewell to his role, and it is harder to discern how Zhu Yilong should be like anymore. What does it mean to return to being himself? What does it even mean to be himself? The boundaries start to blur.

Searching for himself

Zhu Yilong lived in Qingshan District, Wuhan, when he was a child. In the area, there was an important cultural venue named Red Flag Theater where many art performances and activities were held. The Theater was converted into an ice rink in the late 1990s and was subsequently demolished to make way for a housing community.

The place holds the childhood memories of a generation of Qingshan residents - the billiards next to the theater cost 50 cents a shot; children always gathered at the video game machines near the theater; the aroma of skewers at the entrance of the theater lingers even after many years. When Zhu Yilong was in elementary school, the school often took students to the Red Flag Theater for movies. The Theatre was like a time travel box that transported children to the past and the future. They got to see the outside world through this theatre.

Besides the theater, open-air movies were often shown on the university campus near Zhu Yilong's home. In the evening, he often ran over to the field with his grandmother's braised chicken feet, sat down with others, and feasted on the chicken feet while immersing himself in the movie. "I was easily drawn into the stories and I believed in what happened in those scenes." Little did Zhu Yilong know that he would grow up to become a storyteller and a character on the big screen.

Zhu Yilong started to watch many movies after he was admitted to the Beijing Film Academy. He learnt about the world through movies and developed a stronger connection with the world. There is a park called Xiaoyue River next to the Beijing Film Academy, where many students practiced their skills secretly. Students usually did morning practice exercises on campus, but if they didn’t want others to see them working so hard, they would get up earlier and go to Xiaoyue River to practice their vocals.

Zhu Yilong found this rather amusing as he recalled the past. “When we were in college, working hard seemed like a shameful thing. Everyone wanted to perform well on stage but didn’t want to appear too hardworking – oh wait, he doesn’t practice martial arts, how can he be so good at it?! – Everyone hoped that they were like this, but in fact they were all practicing their skills secretly.”

Today, Zhu Yilong is no longer ashamed to talk about his efforts. It takes a lot of energy to create a role and he always strives for the best each time he shoots a scene. From the first day he stepped out of school, he demanded himself to do his best in all his performances. Whatever he could give at that moment would be his best. Even if he sees mediocre acting while rewatching his previous works, he will not think of how he can improve that scene as he knows that he had already tried his best at that moment.

After becoming an actor, Zhu Yilong gradually discovered that filming is a constant process of self-exploration and that he didn't know himself as well as he thought he did. "Even if the role is very different from yourself, it is impossible to create a character out of thin air; you can't completely turn yourself into another person. You need to dig within yourself to create the role and sometimes, you will discover that you can leverage something that you think you don't originally have. Through this process, you gradually become unsure of who you really are."

In the past, watching movies was about getting to know the world. Now, making movies is about finding himself.

Immune Response

Every time Zhu Yilong creates a character, he gets very anxious and takes a long time to prepare for his role. He creates different possibilities for his character, sets high standards and tries his best to achieve them. He regards this anxiety as a type of “immune response,” which is the inevitable result of entering a new role. In his opinion, integrating himself with a new character will trigger such an immune response. There is no need to relieve the anxiety when it occurs as it is impossible to get rid of it anyway. Rather than thinking about how to relieve the anxiety, it will be more useful to face it, feel it, and adapt to it.

Besides, people will feel anxious at any stage of their life. Zhu Yilong recalled a moment when he was 27 or 28 years old. He was suddenly seized by anxiety one night and thought: I’m almost 30 years old, what can I shoot in the future? I want to make films, but there’s no opportunity. When he gathers with his friends these days, people tend to talk about their recent situation, thoughts, and issues they are worried about.

He allows anxiety to come naturally as he knows that there will be a moment when it fades out. No one knows how long the anxiety will last, but there will come a day when he suddenly realizes that acting can be effortless - there’s no need to think about where the camera is, when to pause in a sentence, or whether to look left or right. All “immune responses” will disappear once he is completely relaxed and everything he does will feel right. At this moment, he knows that he has connected with his character.

But there comes a risk after he makes that connection between reality and imagination. In recent years, there were several occasions when he couldn't tell if everything before him was real or fake. Sometimes, after he finished a scene, he would realize that the scene was identical to the scene that appeared in his brain when he was resting. At this moment, he is unsure if everything that happened was real or simply part of his imagination.

Zhu Yilong has read many stories about "acting maniacs" and used to envy the way they eat, sleep, and breath acting. Nonetheless, he knows that it will be difficult to do so with his personality. To him, the film set is a microcosm of society. If an actor completely transforms himself into the role that he plays, it may be difficult for him to consider the feelings of the people around him and may even become unreasonable and inconsiderate.

It is impossible for Zhu Yilong to completely ignore the feelings of others. On the set, he is always quickly to sense changes in people's emotions. He hopes that the atmosphere on the set is harmonious, comfortable, and relaxed. Everyone is free to express themselves and offer ideas without worrying about judgement. He doesn't want everyone to be so uptight all the time as he finds it difficult to work in such tense environments. Therefore, he will try his best to control himself, devote himself fully to the role and follow the character's developmental trajectory. However, once the director shouts "cut", he will immediately return to being himself.

Nonetheless, he has also tried to change in recent years. He tries to integrate himself with his role as much as possible without affecting the work of others and strives to release his full potential during filming. Even after the director shouts "cut," he does not withdraw himself from the role immediately as before and does not seek to revert to “Zhu Yilong” deliberately.

Zhu Yilong is trying to find a balance between his roles and himself, as well as between performance and life.

Sweet Moments

Zhu Yilong has been in love with basketball and Michael Jordan since young. This iconic figure in basketball history has created countless moments by controlling the court with his superb skills and frustrating his opponents. If Michael Jordan had to cheer himself on during an important game, one of the tactics he used was to magnify the opponent's contempt for him – it might just be a glance, but he would take it as hostility to gear himself up. Zhu Yilong found this method useful for actors. "For example, if you need a certain emotion at a specific moment, it might be more effective to capture the emotion and magnify it within yourself, rather than simply using your imagination. This way, you will not only own the emotion, but also avoid disturbing others.”

Zhu Yilong’s views about acting are constantly evolving as he accumulates acting experiences over the years. He keeps thinking about how to improve and often hopes to enhance his acting with a stroke of genius. But where does this stroke of genius come from? Are there new ways to act?

After each take, Zhu Yilong will observe everyone's reactions and feel the atmosphere subconsciously. "Sometimes, you get a strong feeling after you finish a take. If the take is good, the whole atmosphere will feel right. Conversely, the atmosphere will not feel right if it was a bad take." Sometimes, when he isn’t sure if he is reading too much into the atmosphere, he will ask the director: is it okay? Is it really okay? He communicates with the director constantly and brainstorms ways to improve the scene. “There is no way to tell what kind of performance is the best. You can always do a better job, but you don't know what the best is. In such cases, we will need the director to make a judgement. If he feels that he has everything he wants, that's it."

There are occasional moments, which are oblivious to others, when Zhu Yilong feels immensely pleased and satisfied by his own performance. It is akin to a golf player hitting a sweet spot that sends the ball travelling far and straight. Zhu Yilong feels that his performance hit the sweet spot when his emotions and reactions are on point and impeccable. These moments do not occur frequently but he always looks forward to such moments each time he goes to the set.  

New Roadmap

Besides these moments, Zhu Yilong also shuts down for some time each year and allow himself to relax. The duration of his break is highly contingent. Sometimes, he may have planned to rest for half a year, but he tries to find something to do after resting for just a week. It also depends on fate. He may have planned to rest for 3 months. But if he suddenly encounters a script that he really likes, he will get back to work immediately.

He doesn’t deliberately plan for the future. He has a clear idea of what a good actor should be and works towards this goal while picking scripts that he wants to shoot. He does not consider factors such as box office and awards. After all, filming is highly time consuming, “if I can’t work on projects that I’m interested in, it will be so unbearable.”

A reporter once asked him: if he could pick a special ability, what would it be? His answer at that time was to stop time. Now, he feels that he really needs this special ability. Time seems to fly whenever he is working, especially in recent years. In the past, he would think that a 3-month filming period with a hectic schedule and tough preparatory work was unbearable. Now, he feels that a few months happen in a blink of an eye. Some moments happen so quickly that he doesn’t have sufficient time to feel them properly. Sometimes, he really hopes that he can stop time to enjoy these fleeting moments before moving on. After all, the journey of exploring himself has just begun.

He looks forward to the future, though he isn’t exactly sure what to anticipate. Regardless, the journey of seeking Zhu Yilong has changed its trajectory. He is no longer obsessed with recovering his known self; rather, he is more interested in uncovering the hidden possibilities within himself. He has a new roadmap on hand, and the terrain ahead is unknown; he is ready to embark on this new journey to fully experience life as Zhu Yilong.

**THE END**

Post-translation note: Post-translation note: This interview gives SO MUCH updated insight into Zhu Yilong's views on acting. Really looking forward to his new role as Luo Xiao in Dongji Island. Can't imagine the number of underwater scenes he filmed for him to avoid the sea/beach temporarily.

If you'd like to translate this into other languages, please drop me a DM + credit by linking this thread. Happy reading and good night.

[hihigherdi]

Kick the Can was a game we’d play with the neighborhood kids in our very first house. We lived in a cul-de-sac on a dead end street with this crappy little community pool at the end of it and a million little kids our age. We were wild, we played for hours, either at the pool or one another’s houses or in the street - all of my most favorite memories of my childhood were from that neighborhood. Most summer nights we’d play Kick the Can.

When I was at Microsoft, I briefly worked for Xbox. During a meeting, my manager (who disliked me) started laughing and celebrating a news article confirming video games were a direct causation to childhood obesity as well as a drop in the national average GPA. Everyone laughed and I was horrified - I said “Oh no, we need to get kids outside. I’m going to start a Kick the Can revolution across the country!” Awkward laughter.

It was a moment soon joined by so many others telling me this was not the place where I’d find my life’s work, that it was somewhere else, that these were not my people.

Two months into my diagnosis, I met with a Hawaiian Seer who led me through an exercise to see my higher self. I saw her so clearly - her hair, even her outfit - sporty cute. I’ll never forget it. I see her in my mind’s eye.

I’ve been thinking about this journal lately and why I keep it. I realized pouring every confused, jumbled, misspelled word out here was me trying to somehow find her, pull her into me but then the poem Kristyn posted snapped something important into focus.

She’s already here. I’ve already met her. She never left. She prompted me to build the framework. She was the voice in my head so long ago telling me to get a mammogram. She helped me get out of bed every terrifying day at work. She’s always been two steps ahead of me but I don’t need to find her in the clouds. She’s local. And someday soon, I’ll stop calling her in the third person but for now, I honor us both by letting both the good and bad memories of my past be in the past.

[waitineedaname]

psa I am gonna be on a trip til Sunday and i will have absolutely zero internet connection so if you message me and i do not respond that is why!!

[poorly-drawn-mdzs]

Lan Wangji goes to Lotus Pier (No relation to the AU of the same name)

[First] Prev <–-> Next

[sysig]

Ah, childhood memories (Patreon)

[fatehbaz]

.

[sondheim-girly]

just a warning, I’m gonna be really inactive for about a week, I’ll probably only have my phone once a day or so, so don’t be alarmed if i basically disappear! I’ll miss y’all 💙💙

[werewolf-femboy-maid]

BREAKING NEWS: Local Tumblr user discovers mental wellness after eating a full meal of fish and rice.

[swiss-army-fangirl]

ah shit lads complicated feelings abt how to define ‘home’ came back to get me

[steviescrystals]

there is no feeling worse in the world than missing your grandma :/

[theshadowrealmitself]

I never actually felt at home even once in all my years at my hometown but there’s a familiarity there on those streets that I fear I won’t ever experience anywhere else

[wolflover33100aj]

Finally going to Gatlinburg! I haven't been in a couple of years because everytime my family planned on going, one of us gets sick and have to cancel the trip!

I miss going to Gatlinburg every year for vacation

[dullahandyke]

where r my horrible histories books girlies at