#it's really interesting because i never grew up in a particularly conservative house but i have no idea if this is like

[violexides]

apologies if this is a weird thing to say but now that i rbed that poll i’m reflecting on it and my house was like... not even a sex negative household explicitly but just one where we almost never talk about sex being a thing that exists ever aside from medical information (family members work in med field) etc. so while i don’t actually still believe in the idea that my mom just spontaneously became pregnant “whenever God told her to be” i don’t think it ever occurred to me that it wasn’t just my parents having a meeting with one another and going it’s time for a child. and then like meticulously planning out how that goes 

[fearfulkittenwrites]

Gala and “I’m allergic to bullshit.”

Word count: 2244

Link for it on AO3: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26180371

Notes: Hey! This was beta'd by @3ambird​ , who is an amazing sweetheart and improves evertything they touch. Thank you for the help!

Galas were never fun. Bruce had hated them as a kid, and hated them as teen, and he hates them as an adult. Still, he has to maintain appearances, so he always attends. And as his family grew, his kids were forced to attend as well.

Dick Grayson was particularly good at socializing. After he moved past his teenage rage, of course. He used to get in passive aggressive arguments with the rich CEOs and company owners all the time. He still does, but at least now he was good at it to the point where it almost couldn’t be recognized as an argument, instead of jumping on the necks of greedy millionaires that bought land out of poor people.

That was an interesting headline.

Jason sucked at galas. Soon enough, he figured out that if he started enough awkward conversations, people wouldn’t want to talk to him anymore. Especially the creepy single older women, pinching his cheeks and squeezing his biceps.

“Say, Claire, what’s your opinion on the alarming rate at which the bees are disappearing? They say that’s because of all the chemicals we put in our food.” He’d smile, carefully holding his glass. Bruce would struggle to hide his gasp, because Jason, that’s the owner of the highest earning pesticides company in the country.

“Well, Roger, I’m certain that the legalization of abortions would be a great thing, considering that now your mistresses won’t have to be sent overseas to terminate the unwanted preganancies you give them, right?” He’d say, and Bruce would nearly have a heart attack, because Jason, that’s the president of Gotham’s conservative party.

“Oh, you see, Sandra, I think that gay marriage should not only be legalized, but encouraged. If straight couples were to cease existing, then no more children would be born, and honestly, no one needs any more of those snotty gremlins running around, ruining perfectly good tapestry.” And Bruce would faint, because Jason, for God’s sake, that is the leader of the Gotham’s Motherhood Association.

Tim wasn’t all that bad. He could be social with a little effort, and he was far more used to galas than any of the other family members, having grown up attending them. Of course, all of that was only valid when he wasn’t sleep deprived, which, considering all he had on his plate, was roughly 32% of the time. When he was running on three hours of sleep and seven cups of caffeine a day, trying to finish a project, run his share of the Wayne Enterprises, and manage school work, he became a bit more irritable and impatient. And extremely impulsive. Which is mainly why Bruce asked Dick to stand by his brother through most of the night.

“We both know you’re his impulse control, Dick.” He said, adjusting his oldest son’s tie “Remember what happened the last time he was left unattended for fifteen minutes?”

“He got into an argument with a young Creationist and dunked his own head in an ice bowl after screaming ‘Fuck God! I can hear colors and dinosaurs rule!’” Dick sighed, “Yeah, I’ll keep an eye on him.”

Cass despised them, but Bruce insisted she should attend anyway. More often than not, she’d just stay at the table, tasting as many appetizers as the waiters would bring her, and shooting murderous looks at anyone who sneered at her. Bruce was relieved that at least she wasn’t cracking any bones.

Damian was... Better than Jason and worse than Dick. He had an unamused expression through most of the event, and would unceremoniously swat away any hands that tried to pinch his cheeks. Other than that, he wasn’t much trouble. The real trouble were galas all Wayne kids attended. The five of them could cause enough trouble when they were apart, together they were the embodiment of chaos.

And this was supposed to be a calm, slightly boring family evening. It really was.

But Bruce just had to bring all five of them.

Everything had to go just right. As they walked in through the red carpet, the media was eating up the image of the six Waynes dressed formally; Each of them had a tie color matching their hero uniform (a cheeky thing they enjoyed doing to play with the theorists minds), Dick had a dark blue one, Tim and Jason slightly varying tones of red, Damian had a green one and Bruce had a black one. Cass wore a long black dress that sparkled when it was hit by the light in just the right way.

The first sign was the reporter, who, while aggressively pointing a microphone in their faces, asked pushy questions about relationships and the like, nothing out of the ordinary, until he shoved it in Cass’ face and asked her if she could even speak. Jason almost broke the man’s nose. Bruce silently thanked God for Dick, who stepped in front of the man before that happened.

“Try some shit like that again pal, you’ll hear from our lawyers.” He led his sister inside, a protective hand on her back.

They calmed down. And Bruce still had hopes that this would be a quiet evening.

Looking back at it, he doesn’t know why.

Because as Dick and Cass were at the bar, ordering drinks, a woman stood next to them, trying to make small talk. Neither of them seemed too interested in her; she is a hassle at every gala, making weird advances on all of the boys. Today, however, she was a little more tipsy, and Bruce couldn’t quite make out what exactly the conversation was about, but Dick was clearly uncomfortable and Cass was fuming. The woman kept grabbing at him, sliding her hands over his tie, squeezing his arms. And then she squeezed his ass, and it took Cass less than a second to break her nose.

If they were any other family, Cass would have been thrown out of the party, but they were the Waynes, and you do not throw a Wayne out of a party. If she punched a middle-aged woman, then she punched a middle-aged woman. Bring her a glass of water and some ice for her injured hand.

Of course, it didn’t end there.

Bruce was still surprised he didn’t have gray hairs yet.

Because Damian had discovered and made friends with a stray cat in the garden, and Jason had a laser pointer, because of course Jason had a laser pointer, and the cat ended up knocking down not one, not two, but three expensive pieces of pottery, shattering them on the gravel floor. And when the house owner saw the damage, he turned pale and had to hold back his tears. Jason laughed.

“-tt-.” Damian stated, adjusting his suit “You owe that cat a favour,those vases ruined the garden’s aesthetic. Regardless, I’m sure father will be more than happy to compensate you for the damages.”

He walked back to the party slowly, passing by the man who would need some time to make it back.

Once Jason broke him the news, Bruce thought (and hoped) that that would be it.

But no, the night was young, and there was so much time left and the batsibilings for sure wouldn’t waste it.

The previous statement about sleep deprived Tim?

Well.

Tonight, he had to pick a fight with an essential-oil-loving, antivax mother. Simply because he liked to torture himself. And because nobody realised he was alone until Bruce spotted him in the crowd, eye twitching as a woman rambled about all the heavy metals and chemicals that vaccines had in them. He thought about getting to him, but he knew it was too late. There was no going back now.

“Well, you see Karen,” He started.

“Uuum, my name’s Patricia.” She interrupted.

“I’m a billionaire’s heir, I don’t give a shit.” He said “Anyways. As I was saying, the thing is, I’d rather take the chance of being injecting myself with mercury than, oh, I don’t know, get meningitis and fucking die?”

The circle went quiet. Another woman, wanting to dissipate the tension, tried to restart the conversation.

“I-I mean, I don’t understand why can’t they make something safer, right? Like, when we used to throw those smallpox parties, why won’t they make something that works like that? So that we can build a natural immunity instead of all of those chemicals.” She laughed awkwardly.

Tim slapped his own face so hard that it attracted a lot of eyes.

“How. Do. You. Think. Vaccines. Work. Susan?”

“M-my name is Mary.”

“I don’t give a fuck.” He answered. And just in time, Dick swooped in.

“Hey, Timmy!” He greeted “Can I borrow this guy for a second?” He didn’t wait for an answer as he guided Tim out to the garden.

“Fucking idiots.” He muttered “I don’t know how they have so much money. They’re all fucking idiots, Dick. I’m surrounded by dumbasses.”

“There, there.” He said “Okay, we’re far enough.” He looked around “Go ahead.”

And Tim let out the most horrendous, rage filled scream any of those guests had ever heard. Because of course they heard it. Bruce sighed and shrunk on his chair.

“Better?” Dick asked as he finished, patting his back.

“So much.” Tim answered.

“You should’ve slept a little before this.”

“No way. I’m totally fine.” He answered “I had three cans of monster before we left, so I feel great.” Dick raised an eyebrow, worried.

“Whatever you say, buddy.” He led him back inside, tidying up his brother’s hair “Just... No more picking fights with moms tonight, okay?”

And Bruce thought that was enough. Bruce was certain that this would be the last incident.

But his kids just loved proving him wrong.

He thought that the best strategy would be to ask them to stick together, so that Dick’s responsibility and social skills would keep his feral siblings under control. He should’ve known it would backfire.

The last he checked, they were making small talk with some CEOs on the edge of the room, away from the dance floor. Jason, Cass and Damian seemed completely bored, Tim was clenching his jaw for some reason, and Dick tried his best to look polished and polite.

“So, I heard that Wayne Enterprises have a new project?” One of them asked, chest so projected forwards it looked like it was about to explode.

“Yes. Yes we do.” Dick said, smiling politely “We’re opening up a refugee housing program.”

“Oh, so that’s what those buildings are for?”

“Yes, exactly!” He exclaimed, opening his arms in a seemingly natural manner “We are building apartments to shelter them. It’s nothing fancy, but we can charge a cheaper rent than most, and not charge at all for the first six months, giving them a chance to properly establish themselves here.”

“Well, I must say,” Puffed up chest guy stated, “I can’t see why not to give them to good old Americans instead. There’s a lot of homeless people nowadays, you see.” He leaned forward as he talked.

Damian perked his head up, but didn’t say anything. Cass and Jason seemed to be listening. Tim’s left eye twitched.

“Actually,” Tim started “The company has very stable, successful projects to help the homeless.”

“I’m familiar with those, yes.” He arrogantly dismissed the teen “But, you see, I just can’t understand why not open the housing to tax paying Americans instead of some...”

“Potential terrorists?” Damian suggested, arms crossed, scowl on his face.

“...Foreigners.” He completed.

“Well, since you ask, we are currently planning on the possibility of eventually opening vague apartments to Americans too.” Dick answered, swirling the liquid in his glass around “But the priority now really are the refugees.”

“I don’t see why can’t we prioritize our own people.” He insisted “I’m simply concerned for the well being of our poorest patriots.”

Dick blinked.

And here’s why Bruce should have known it would backfire.

Because, yes, Dick was able to cool them down...

But they were able to fire him up.

And so, like the charismatic man he was, he covered his nose a little, rubbing at the end, and faked a loud sneeze.

“Oh, I’m so sorry,” He started “You see, I have this strange condition.” Dick stared at the man in the eye, the guy who had bought an old building people were squatting at, just to demolish it and doom them to the streets with no care or compensation, and, knowing this and so much more, said “I’m allergic to bullshit.”

And his siblings went feral again.

Tim and Jason screamed an ‘Oooooooooh!’, Damian pointed at the man and laughed loudly, and Cass snorted, covering her mouth in surprise.

Dick didn’t break eye contact as he drank the last of his champagne.

“Now, if you’ll excuse me,” He said “I have to go look for better company.” Dick left the empty glass at the nearest table and adjusted his suit, smiling “Have a nice evening.”

As he walked away, the gang followed close behind, all of them very excited about how Dick, the composed, calm, cool, polite and polished Dick Grayson-Wayne, had just burned a millionaire in front of his economic allies. As the party reached Bruce, the man once again seemed to sink into his chair. Dick sat next to him, radiating confidence and charm.

“Do I wanna know?” The man asked.

“No,” Dick answered, grinning but not looking at the man “No you don’t.”

[firewhiskeyandhoney]

ship ! chris and sienna

who throws things in a fight ?

definitely 1000% sienna. and im sure that she does. 

who goes to their parent’s house for a weekend when things get bad ?

probably sienna, just because i feel like he’d be more likely to go to another home if he really needed to get out but her natural instinct is to always go back to her family’s home no matter what

who wants to have children ? who doesn’t ? if both do, how do their goals differentiate ?

i think he probably is more into the idea than she is but i don’t think it’s something that either of them are particularly interested at this point. but eventually, i think he’s the one to broach the subject but she’s definitely far too scared to even think about having kids

who is more adverse to physical contact ?

neither of them, i don’t think. they’re very very into physical contact. i think, even before they’re like together, and like back at school or what not she’d definitely like rest her head on his shoulder or things like that and so it’s just very normalized between them even before everything. 

who hates/dislikes their neighbors the most ?

i feel like they’re both equally likely to get annoyed by neighbors, but she’d probably be more vocal about it. 

who hates/dislikes their significant other’s family ?

they obviously don’t dislike either of their significant other’s family. but i think he’d be more likely to not like glenda then sienna would be to not like verity’s eventual s.o. 

who is most likely to leave when things get rough ?

definitely sienna, which is ironic. but she’s def more scared of things ending badly and so she’d be more likely to leave before it got to the point of that being a possibility

who thinks their partner turned out a different person than they thought ?

i think probably he is more surprised by that? like i don’t think this is something they come to realize when they’re together, and was more something he realized a long time ago like when they were in school, in that she wasn’t just like his best friend’s little sister and was someone that he enjoyed being around

who is more likely to cheat ?

i think i’ve answered this before but i think she’s definitely more likely to emotionally cheat on him with sirius than either of them would be to physically cheat on each other with anyone else

who is the more experienced ( sexually or otherwise ) ?

hmmmm i think maybe him? she’s definitely only had sex with three people (him being one of them) and so i think he’s probably been with more than that, obviously. but i think they’re both pretty comfortable with their own history and experience to where they don’t feel like the other is more experienced than them. if we were talking like relationships though, then probably her but that doesn’t even really count because she’s never been in a real relationship, she’s just more experienced with what it’s like to have feelings for someone else i think

who hates/dislikes their significant other’s friends ?

they’re from the same group of friends so i don’t think there’s really an answer for this. unless you count sirius as like sienna’s friend, then it’d obviously be him

who wants to go to social gatherings the most ?

probably her? but i think they both relatively enjoy being social, but then once they’re over it they’re both definitely over it and ready to leave.

who is most likely to be dishonest ?

i think they’re both equally likely to be dishonest? although he’s definitely better at it than she is.

who is more emotionally closed off and how does this affect their partner ?

i don’t think they’re super closed off with one another but they’re both like definitely willing to hide their feelings from one another to an equal extent which definitely causes problems as we can see. 

who is the dessert person ?

probably sienna

who is more conservative ?

i think it’s probably him? at least he’s more likely to be openly conservative. but as i said in the muse ask with ciara, i feel like sienna talks a big game about how open and liberal she thinks she is but when it comes down to it, she’d still vote for the conservative. she reminds me a lot of like this thing that happened to me in hs where like i was with my friend and we were talking about like very leftist things for my catholic all girls school (abortion rights) and we like had to be hush hush about it because we definitely were around people that didn’t agree. and this girl that was a bit younger than us asked what we were talking about and we kind of waved it off and were like “it’s not really a conversation you want to be involved in” and like hinted that it was political. and she like very proudly and adorably was like, “no i want to know, i think you’ll be surprised because i *and she whispers this* i think that gay people should have rights, you know?” and she was like so proud about this baby liberal stance. and so we told her what we were talking about and she clearly was still a bit uncomfortable with that and still learning and figuring shit out (she was only like 14) so we didn’t like press her or anything because she was clearly coming around just in her own time. and so like we both just like really felt for her because she was clearly starting to make the turn to open her mind to things outside what she knew, but she was still so far behind. and like that’s lowkey how i feel sienna is? like she has these ideas that she thinks are super super like out there and liberal, but to the rest of the world, they’re like common sense. and like, there’s definitely the possibility for her ideas to grow into more, and had she stayed with sirius longer i think that would have happened, but the potential is gone now that he’s out of her life and she’s just surrounded by people she grew up with  

but like, then again, i also think that when it comes down to it, she’s also pretty conservative in like how she lives her life, which may in comparison be more than how he naturally is. i’ve definitely said before that like, she is definitely deferential to like the patriarchal structure of their society and she’s okay with that. so like, right now, she’s definitely not going openly go against something that her brother/father says and will listen to them when it really comes down to it. and i think it will be somewhat similar when they’re like an established couple and like married. like, she’ll definitely not be afraid to disagree and argue with him, but when it really comes down to it, if he were to not want her doing something/wearing something she’d respect that. definitely when they have kids, if they’re like asking to do something she definitely is like “it’s up to your father”.  idk why i’ve rambled for so long about this, but sienna and like her political beliefs are just so super interesting to me.

who hates/dislikes oral sex ?

what kind of question is this

[arcticdementor]

Wokeness has not simply taken over the CIA, as the entire foreign policy establishment has moved in the same direction. A particularly sinister aspect of this shift is that we are seeing a merger between a fanatical new faith and long-standing institutions specializing in manipulating populations.

Spreading democracy is an important part of American foreign policy. While it’s fashionable to brush off concerns with democracy as hypocritical or just a cover for power politics (“look at Saudi Arabia!”), I believe that outside of the Middle East, where pretty much everyone is non-democratic, American foreign policy is driven by ideological goals that aren’t reducible to material interests.

In this worldview, all countries called “democracies” have reached the end of history, while all others are candidates for regime change, if not today then when the time is right. When countries fight back against this, it’s considered aggression on their part. Hillary Clinton believes that Putin interfered against her in the 2016 election because she spoke out against his government as Secretary of State. I don’t know if that’s true, but it’s certainly what I would do if I were Putin, and the lady who tried to overthrow me was running for president.

It seems strange that such a concept would drive US foreign policy, given how little Americans themselves agree on what is or isn’t “democratic.” Was Trump casting doubt on the legitimacy of 2020 “undemocratic”? How about when Democrats did the same in 2016? What about gerrymandering? Court packing?

These are silly debates, and I feel sorry for people who have strong opinions on them, which always boil down to “what my side does is democracy, what the other side does isn’t.”

…

Nonetheless, the American government clearly has something in mind when it uses the term, and it often relies on non-governmental institutions (NGOs) as supposedly objective sources of information. One of the most important of these is Freedom House, and it is therefore worth looking at the organization in some depth.

According to its financial report, in the fiscal year that ended in 2019, Freedom House raised $48 million. Of that, $45 million, or 94%, came from the American government. Its current President is Morton Abramowitz, a lifelong American diplomat. The Chair of the Board is Michael Chertoff, who was Secretary of Homeland Security under the second Bush.

Looking at the 12 members of the Executive Board, and just going off their bios on the Freedom House website, it appears that 6 have had jobs for the federal government, with at least one other appearing to have worked as a government contractor.

You might think that an organization that is funded almost completely by the American government, and staffed by former American officials, wouldn’t have much credibility as an “independent non-governmental organization.” Yet it is called an NGO, and regularly cited by the press as an objective authority on which government actions are legitimate.

Much of what is called “civil society” functions this way. The American government then uses the work of “independent” organizations to justify its own policies, as you can see by going to the State Department website and searching for “Freedom House.”

…

Freedom House has represented the American foreign policy establishment as long as it has existed. According to its own website, the organization at its founding in 1941 had among its leaders Eleanor Roosevelt and Wendell Willkie, the Republican who lost to FDR in 1940. So imagine a “non-governmental organization” today being founded by an alliance of Jill Biden and Donald Trump.

After advocating for American entry into World War II, Freedom House supported the Cold War. Although the website mentions these facts, it tends to downplay or ignore its more recent history, which has involved cheerleading for disastrous wars in the Middle East.

…

So it is this organization, run by former American officials and funded by the US government, whose former Chairman was also the director of the CIA and helped lie the country into Iraq, that is the nation’s most important source for deciding who is or isn’t free.

Recently, Freedom House released its annual report on the state of democracy in the world. It would be one thing if the organization simply declared some countries “democracies” and others not. Instead, it gives a number to each country on a scale that goes up to 100, updating the scores on a yearly basis. So in 2020, Ethiopia gets a 24, Switzerland is a 96, and North Korea is a 3. After 20 years of war, the US has managed to get Afghanistan to 27.

Here’s an interactive map where you can find out how well your country is doing.

There’s actually a formula that they use to calculate each score, although it’s not always clear what causes a country to gain or lose points. 40% of the score is determined by how well a country does on “Political Rights,” and 60% on “Civil Rights,” with subsections under each of these headings.

The 2021 report tells us that 2020 saw “the 15th consecutive year of decline in global freedom.” Sounds really bad. But it’s one thing to say, that for example, the US is freer than China, or that the coup in Myanmar was a blow against democracy. It’s quite another to pretend to have a neutral formula that can compare the state of democracy in say Hungary versus France, the US versus Canada, or Syria versus Cuba. But that’s what Freedom House gets tens of millions of dollars a year from the American government to do.

…

In Europe, Freedom House tells us that “Hungary has undergone the biggest decline ever measured in Nations in Transit, plummeting through two categorical boundaries to become a Transitional/Hybrid Regime last year. Poland is still categorized as a Semiconsolidated Democracy.”

That’s a nice coincidence, how the two European countries that have moved in the most conservative policy direction are the ones also becoming more “authoritarian.” Looking in more detail, it appears that Freedom House classifies conservative countries as authoritarian in two ways

1) Portraying things that would otherwise be considered normal politics as “authoritarian”, while ignoring things that are similar or worse when done by non-right wing governments; and

2) Just directly penalizing countries for conservative policies.

…

This map gives the game away.

…

The connection between how many genders a government acknowledges and its level of democracy is never explained. The report also mentions the Polish government’s opposition to abortion and Slovenia reducing funding for its public broadcaster.

Many conservatives in the United States criticize the media and would like to ban abortion, cut funding for NPR, and not have schools teach that gender is a social construct. They may be surprised to learn that they are engaging in “anti-democratic” activities.

To show the kind of hackery at work, here’s the report on Poland for 2020. We are told that the Archbishop of Kraków describes “LGBT as a ‘rainbow plague’ bearing similarities to communism.” So apparently countries are judged based on the wokeness of their clergy, so Poland loses a point in part for that, and appears to get another point deducted for some combination of the government’s positions on birth control, abortion, and gay adoption.

You can really tell that American conservatives annoy Freedom House analysts more than any other people in the world. In the US, not only are conservatives’ views on abortion and gay marriage undemocratic, but so are their positions on organized labor, with Freedom House mentioning a Supreme Court ruling that government employees could not be forced against their will to contribute to public sector unions.

…

Not only does Freedom House portray the behavior of conservative governments in an unflattering light, but it looks past what are much clearer violations of individual liberty and democratic norms when they are committed in the service of left-wing social or political goals.

Sweden, for example, is one of only three countries to receive a perfect score of 100. This is despite having hate speech laws, which have in the past been used to arrest Christian preachers for their interpretation of the Bible. Norway, another “perfect democracy,” in 2020 expanded its hate speech laws to cover gender identity, with punishments of up to three years in prison for violators.

“Whether a country arrests people for speech” seems like it could be a clear criterion an organization interested in democracy can use, but Freedom House prefers a vague points system that allows it to penalize countries for everything it doesn’t like.*

…

As seen above, Freedom House doesn’t mind criticizing the United States; the country after all only gets an 83, making it a not very good democracy. Yet it’s notable what the US doesn’t lose points for: NSA spying programs, and the prosecution of journalists who have brought them to light. Julian Assange is, in the words of Glenn Greenwald, “responsible for breaking more major stories about the actions of top US officials than virtually all US journalists employed in the corporate press combined,” and he’s now facing life in prison. Yet Assange goes unmentioned in the 2020 report, along with Edward Snowden.

On the question “Are there free and independent media?” the US only gets a 3 out of 4, because “Fox News in particular grew unusually close to the Trump administration” and “Trump was harshly critical of the mainstream media throughout his presidency, routinely using inflammatory language to accuse them of bias and mendacity.” The US gets 4/4 on the question “Are individuals free to express their personal views on political or other sensitive topics without fear of surveillance or retribution?” Surveillance programs are mentioned, but here no points are deducted (the US also gets 4/4 on academic freedom).

It’s a strange algorithm that deducts points for criticizing journalists, but not for putting them in jail. It’s the algorithm you’d expect, however, from an organization run by former American government officials.

…

If the US government and the NGOs it relies on define conservatism as undemocratic, we will in the coming years find ourselves having hostile relations with nations that do not threaten American interests and whose only crime is offending the sensibilities of a liberal elite that holds positions that are far from universally accepted within the United States itself.

The potential implications for liberty at home are no less catastrophic. If conservatives are not only wrong, but “undemocratic,” it becomes easier for the other side to justify attempts to silence dissent and take extreme steps to prevent them from coming to power.

The media, when it advocates censorship or government suppression of its enemies, never says that it’s going about silencing dissenting views. Rather, the propaganda it uses involves classifying what the target is saying as “hate,” “disinformation,” or “foreign propaganda” to delegitimize the speech as unworthy of either First Amendment protection or respect from non-government institutions.

…

It’s fine to disagree with many aspects of American conservatism, as I certainly do. And it wouldn’t be correct to say that there is no objective measure of democracy one can use; certainly, some countries pick their leaders through fair elections, and others don’t. But democracy is supposed to involve a respect for various segments of society, and a consideration of their views. A definition of the concept that delegitimizes what large swaths of the population believe about economic and social issues, while overlooking the prosecution of journalists disfavored by American foreign policy elites, is little more than a tool of propaganda and potentially oppression.

Luckily, it’s easier to know what to do about Woke Imperialism than Woke Capital, or Woke Institutions more generally. The national security establishment does not survive by its ability to bring in voluntary donations or make money through selling products and services people want. Freedom House, like many other similar institutions, is almost exclusively dependent on the American taxpayer, despite the NGO label.

Given how much contempt the organization clearly has for a large portion of the public, and the threat to political liberty that can result from identifying democracy with one side of the political spectrum, there is no reason for that support to continue. While cutting it off would certainly be seen as “undemocratic” by Freedom House, it would remain at liberty to continue writing reports at its own expense.

[simschallenges]

Chinese Zodiac Legacy Challenge

(note: because the original poster has deactivated, i am reposting an archived version of the challenge rules retrieved with the wayback machine. all of the following text is a copy of the original post by @autumnalpixels.)

Thanks to the idea from an anon on tumblr, I’ve decided to make a second version of my zodiac challenge that focuses on the Chinese Zodiacs.

For those who don’t know, the Chinese Zodiacs are representative of an entire year, not a month. So, for example, I was born in 1997 and I am born in the year of the Ox. Twelve years in the future (2009) was the next year of the Ox. The zodiacs are similar in the way that they each have certain personalities and whatnot, but unlike the Western Zodiac, the Chinese Zodiac uses animals to represent each of the twelve main personalities, rather than planets.

As far as I’m aware, I don’t think this challenge has been made, and I’m thankful for the anon’s suggestion to make this! The original was really fun to make, and I hope that everyone enjoys this challenge as well. This is also going to be a 12-generation legacy, with each generation representing one of the different Chinese Zodiacs.

Side note: This legacy is not meant to misrepresent or offend anyone. The generations are being based off of descriptions of the zodiacs from this website. Feel free to read up more about each zodiac to get a better sense of your sim’s personality! I greatly encourage you to research the signs more because they are very interesting.

Starting out:

Feel free to make your founder however you’d like. Traits for each heir will be listed in their section, but their looks are up to you so feel free to get creative! You’ll start out like a traditional legacy on one of the 50x50 lots (or 64x64 if you’d like). Here is a link to Pinstar’s legacy rules.

General Challenge Rules:

Honestly this is the only way to fail the challenge, other than not producing an heir.

Generation One: Rat

“With strong intuition and quick response, those born in the year of the Rat always easily adapt themselves to a new environment. With rich imaginations and sharp observation, Rats can take advantage of various opportunities well. Rats have strong curiosity, so they tend to try their hands at anything, and they can deal with it skillfully. A lack of courage, as well as good command skills, Rats are not capable as leaders. Opportunistic and picky as Rats are, they do not have broad minds, but a narrow view. Rats are kind, but sometimes impolite to others. People of the Rat zodiac sign usually sleep late, for mice are nocturnal animals.”

You can say you’ve never really been the time of person to commit yourself to a certain thing. Whether it be a romance, a job, a hobby, whatever; point is, you get bogged down if you’re forced into doing the same thing too often. You are intelligent and talented, but you bore easily and like to learn and experience many things at once, despite how overwhelmed you get. You can be kind of insensitive sometimes and can come across as rude or that you think you are better than others, but in all reality you are a bit of a coward and are just shy and prefer to avoid confrontation. You’ve always wanted a family, but can you handle it?

Traits: Noncommittal, Genius, Loner Aspiration: Renaissance Sim Career: Due to your aspiration, you’ll be changing your job a lot, so you can pick.

Goals:

Complete your aspiration

Max four skills of your choice

Don’t get married, have at least two children with different partners.

Date around a lot, go on at least one date a week. Each date can be with the same person or different people, up to you!

Feel free to have a hobby that can make money (painting, writing, gardening); you won’t be making much money at the beginning of this generation due to needed to job hop

Generation Two: Ox

“Oxes are known for diligence, dependability, strength and determination. Having an honest nature, Oxes have a strong patriotism for their country, have ideals and ambitions for life, and attach importance to family and work. Having a desire to advance and great patience, Oxes can achieve their goals by consistent efforts. They are not influenced by others or the environment, but persist to do things in accordance with their ideas and capabilities. Before taking action, they will have a definite plan with detailed steps and add their strong faith and physical strength. So people of the Ox zodiac sign enjoy great success as a result. The most disadvantageous trait in Oxes is poor communication skills. They are not good at communicating with others, and even think it not worthwhile exchanging ideas with others. They are stubborn and stick to their own ways.”

Stubborn, persistent, overbearing. Many of your classmates would have described you that way, but you personally like the words ambitious, overachieving, and powerful to use for yourself. You can be a bit of a know it all and tend to stick to your beliefs, even when they’ve been proven wrong. However, you have grown to learn how to convince others to believe what you say (even bordering on manipulation at times). Outside of convincing people of things, however, you loathe conversing with others and would much rather spend time doing the things you enjoy, which includes working hard at your career. You grew up in a family that didn’t have the greatest time with careers, as your single parent had several careers throughout your childhood. You don’t want that. You want better for your children; to have enough money to see them succeed. But although you do truly love your children, you don’t get attached to others easily and they are no exception. You want them to succeed and do well, but you aren’t there for them when they need you because you are working. How will this affect the white picket fence family that you wanted?

Traits: Ambitious, Self-Assured, Loner Aspiration: Successful Lineage Career: Critic

Goals:

Complete your aspiration

Max your career (either branch)

Max the Logic skill and one creative skill (painting, cooking, guitar, whatever you’d like)

Get married at a young age to your high school sweetheart. Start having kids immediately, four in total. You don’t get along with your spouse and fight a lot, but you’re not allowed to divorce them. It would ruin your white picket fence fever dream.

Never become more than “friends” with your children (i.e. good or best friends).

Make your children do their homework every night and all school projects; children must have A’s in school before they can age up to teen.

Teens must have a job and at least a B grade in school before they can age up to YA.

Become good friends with all of your grandchildren.

Generation Three: Tiger

“People born in the year of the Tiger are brave, competitive, unpredictable, and self-confident. They are very charming and well-liked by others. But sometimes they are likely to be impetuous, irritable, and overindulged. With stubborn personalities and tough judgment, tigers work actively and boldly express themselves, and do things with a high-handed manner. They are authoritative and never go back on what they have said. With great confidence and indomitable fortitude, they can be competent leaders. They will not make preparations for anything, but they can handle anything that comes along.”    

Even though you don’t want to admit it, you grew up a lot like your parent. You’re stubborn and confident as well, but you tend to want to work with others and crave social interaction. You want to be the best, but not in the same way as your parents; you want to have it all: a good career, a loving spouse and children, and a great social life. You enjoy get togethers and parties, and you are very popular amongst your coworkers and friends. Some would even say you were the leader of the pack.

Traits: Outgoing, Self-Assured, Hot-headed Aspiration: Party Animal Career: Detective. Once you reach level five of the career, quit your job and become a politician.

Goals:

Complete your aspiration

Max the Politician Career

Have at least a silver medal on each kind of party

Get married, have a kid, then get remarried and have more kids (number is up to you.)

Have 1 BFF and three Good Friends

Be the leader of a club with eight sims and buy all of the Clothing and Decor perks, display them around your house

Generation Four: Rabbit

“Rabbits tend to be gentle, quiet, elegant, and alert; quick, skillful, kind, and patient; and particularly responsible. However, they might be superficial, stubborn, melancholy, and overly-discreet. Generally speaking, people who belong to the Rabbit zodiac sign have likable characters. When meeting trouble, Rabbits can handle it in an orderly way; when encountering tough difficulties they are never discouraged, but are persistent to seek solutions. So they eventually achieve enviable success. Rabbits are faithful to those around them, but reluctant to reveal their minds to others, and have a tendency to escape reality. They are too cautious and conservative, which means they miss good opportunities.”

If there was ballet, you would have done ballet since you were a child. You are graceful and calm, but you have your moments where your insecurities take over you and you can become a bit gloomy. You love the arts and are more of a homebody than your parent, and love spending hours reading and writing stories and poetry. You are generally a positive person and enjoy having a small group of friends that you can go get coffee with and discuss books, rather than attending parties. You can be a bit skittish, though, and you like the finer things in life. There’s a side of you that you hide from the people you know, however; you may just not be as sweet and innocent as you seem.

Traits: Bookworm, Gloomy, Materialistic Aspiration: Mansion Baron Career: Criminal

Goals:

Complete your aspiration

Max the your career (either branch)

Have two good friends

Marry and have five children with the same spouse

Do not let anyone find out about your career. If they do, you need to get rid of them. Threaten them, erase their memory (if you are an alien), or kill them off. No one can know who you truly are.

Buy something new (worth at least 500 simoleons) every week

Generation Five: Dragon

“Among Chinese zodiac animals, the Dragon is the sole imaginary animal. The Dragon is the most vital and powerful beast in the Chinese zodiac, although with an infamous reputation for being a hothead and possessing a sharp tongue. In ancient times, people thought that Dragons could control everything in the world with their character traits of dominance and ambition. Gifted with innate courage, tenacity and intelligence, dragons are enthusiastic and confident. They are not afraid of challenges, and willing to take risks. However, the dragon is sometimes regarded as aggressive, and angry dragons are not open to criticism. They don’t consider themselves irritating and arrogant. Instead of following tradition, they strive for a smooth future.”

Your parent made you sick. Being a criminal and being so materialistic was not how you wanted to be like, so you rebelled at a young age and, as a teen, ran away to start your life anew. The only things you took with you were a few photographs of you and your siblings, and some things of your parent’s that you could sell for cash. You can be a bit reckless and impulsive, and you don’t like thinking things through, tending to follow your gut rather than your brain. You want a big family like what you came from, but you were going to make the money to raise your kids honestly.

Traits: Hot-Headed, Good, Outgoing Aspiration: Big Happy Family Career: Retail Store Owner

Goals:

Complete your aspiration

Max the your career (either branch)

Max Charisma skill

Run away as a teen, starting over. (You don’t have to bring family photos with you, but you do have to bring the Knight of the Octagon Table and other things with you that you can sell. Do not sell the Knight of the Octagon Table.)

Cannot go to school except on Wednesdays and Thursdays. Must do homework every night, however, and remain at least a C grade in school.

Open a retail shop once a YA (can sell whatever you’d like)

Get married halfway through young adulthood to a friend from high school

Have four kids

Have a garden with at least four perfect Dragonfruit plants

Generation Six: Snake

“In Chinese culture, the Snake is the most enigmatic animal among the twelve zodiac animals. People born in a year of the Snake are supposed to be the most intuitive. Snakes tend to act according to their own judgments, even while remaining the most private and reticent. They are determined to accomplish their goals and hate to fail. Snakes represent the symbol of wisdom. They are intelligent and wise. They are good at communication but say little. Snakes are usually regarded as great thinkers. Snakes are materialistic and love keeping up with the Joneses. They love to posses the best of everything, but they have no patience for shopping. Snake people prefer to work alone, therefore they are easily stressed. If they seem unusually stressed, it is best to allow them their own space and time to return to normal.”

You grew up to be a very laid back and easygoing person. You love nature and you know the value of a dollar, which can sometimes lead you to being a bit frugal. You are also a bit of a hoarder and love collecting things, and if someone even brings up getting rid of something, you aren’t too pleased with them. You are seen by many as wise and intelligent, and you definitely are. You are in tune with yourself and the natural world around you. You are very mysterious and a private person however, so while people spill their problems out to you and you help them, you don’t tell anyone about yourself.

Traits: Vegetarian, Materialistic, Loves Outdoors Aspiration: The Curator Career: None

Goals:

Complete your aspiration

Max Wellness skill

Keep all of the plants from the last generation and expand the garden to include at least four perfect orchid plants

Do not hire any services; everything must be done by your sims. (Exception: babies can be sent to daycare while your sims are at work/school or on another lot.)

Complete any collection.

You must be BFFs and know all of your partner’s traits before you can be romantic with them.

Have two kids.

Generation Seven: Horse

“People born in a year of the Horse are extremely animated, active and energetic. Horses love to be in a crowd, and they can usually be seen on such occasions as concerts, theater performances, meetings, sporting events, and parties. With a deft sense of humor, Horses are masters of repartee. They love to take center stage and delight audiences everywhere. Sometimes, the Horse is a little self-centered, but it doesn’t mean that s/he can not be interested in others’ problems. Horses are really more cunning than intelligent, and that is probably why most Horse people lack real confidence.”

You were that kid in school. You know, the one obsessed with horses. Your favorite toy was a horse, and you carried it around with you everywhere. Eventually you grew out of this horse phase (thank god) but you still loved the roots that the past few generations had of living off the land and running a farm. You are energetic and fun to be around, and you love to joke around and make people laugh. You found out by the time that you were a teenager that the farm life wasn’t for you, and you decided to focus on something that you were good at: bringing joy to other people through witty jokes and karaoke fails. You love seeing others happy, but at what expense?

Traits: Goofball, Gloomy, Active Aspiration: Joke Star Career: Entertainer

Goals:

Complete your aspiration

Max your career (either branch)

Never get married, have a one night stand that results in pregnancy

You can have a live-in datemate, however, but you two can never actually get married

Write in a journal every night

Go jogging for an hour every day

Max comedy and charisma skills

Pass down your favorite horse toy to your only child

Generation Eight: Goat

“People born in a year of the Goat are generally believed to be gentle, mild-mannered, shy, stable, sympathetic, amicable, and brimming with a strong sense of kindheartedness and justice. They have very delicate thoughts, strong creativity, and perseverance, and acquire professional skills well. Although they look gentle on the surface, they are tough on the inside, always insisting on their own opinions in their minds. They have strong inner resilience and excellent defensive instincts. Though they prefer to be in groups, they do not want to be the center of  attention. They are reserved and quiet, most likely because they like spending  much time in their thoughts. Goats like to spend money on fashionable things that give them a first class appearance. Although goats enjoy spending money on the finer things in life, they are not snobbish.”

You are not a snob, per se, but you definitely have an eye for the expensive, lavish ways of life. You love to spoil your spouse and your children, and enjoy giving gifts. You just can’t help that you want to appear wealthy, even if you aren’t. You are kind-hearted and love volunteering with your family to make the world a better place.

Traits: Good, Creative, Art Lover Aspiration: Painter Extraordinaire Career: Painter

Goals:

Complete your aspiration

Max your career (either branch)

Become an art collector (have one room on the house dedicated for all of the pieces of art you’ve either made or bought)

Master Painting skill

Volunteer with your family once a week

Paint a portrait of your spouse and your children

Marry and have three kids

Generation Nine: Monkey

“People born in a year of the Monkey have magnetic personalities and are witty and intelligent. Personality traits like mischievousness, curiosity, and cleverness, make them very naughty. Monkeys are masters of practical jokes, because they like playing most of the time. Though they don’t have bad intentions, their pranks sometimes hurt the feelings of others. Monkeys are fast learners and crafty opportunists. They have many interests and need partners who are capable of stimulating them. While some like the eccentric nature of Monkeys, others don’t trust their sly, restless, and inquisitive nature. Although they are clever and creative, Monkeys can’t always exhibit their talents properly. They like to accept challenges and prefer urban life to rural.”

Traits: Goofball, Genius, Foodie Aspiration: Chief of Mischief Career: Tech Guru

Goals:

Complete your aspiration

Max your career (either branch)

Move to San Myshuno as a Young Adult (take the Knight of the Octagon Table statue with you)

Max the Programming, Mischief, and Handiness skills

Learn all of the new recipes from City Living

Earn the Spice Hound and Chopstick Master traits

Marry and have two children

Make sure all of your children learn all of the recipes you’ve learned

Generation Ten: Rooster

“People born in a year of the Rooster are very observant. Hardworking, resourceful, courageous, and talented, Roosters are very confident in themselves. Roosters are always active, amusing, and popular within a crowd. Roosters are talkative, outspoken, frank, open, honest, and loyal individuals. They like to be the center of attention and always appear attractive and beautiful. Roosters are happiest when they are surrounded by others, whether at a party or just a social gathering. They enjoy the spotlight and will exhibit their charm on any occasion. Roosters expect others to listen to them while they speak, and can become agitated if they don’t. Vain and boastful, Roosters like to brag about themselves and their accomplishments. Their behavior of continually seeking the unwavering attention of others annoys people around them at times.”

Traits: Self-Assured, Active, Dance Machine Aspiration: Vampire Family Career: Entertainer

Goals:

Complete your aspiration

Max your career (opposite branch from generation seven)

Make and run an athletic club, purchase all of the energized mood perks and the fitness skill perk

Max fitness and dancing skills

Become a vampire because you are obsessed with your eternal youth

Only have one biological child, but adopt twins

You can choose to get married or not

Generation Eleven: Dog

“Dogs are loyal and honest, amiable and kind, cautious and prudent. Due to having a strong sense of loyalty and sincerity, Dogs will do everything for the person who they think is most important. As Dogs are not good at communication, it is difficult for them to convey their thoughts to others. Therefore, Dogs tend to leave others with the impression that they have a stubborn personality. Born with a good nature, Dogs do not tend to be criminals or seek dishonest gains. They just need a quiet life and a good family and, therefore, forget the ugliness and evil on Earth. Dogs are always ready to help others and do not care about their own interests, but if they find themselves betrayed by cunning people they will feel shocked and hurt. When thrown into doubt, Dogs think the world is evil and complicated. Then they criticize sharply when giving comments on something, and infer all things are according to their pessimistic point of view.”

Traits: Bro, Good, Gloomy Aspiration: Soulmate Career: Athletic

Goals:

Complete your aspiration

Max your career

Fall in love with a human and cure your vampirism to be with them

Stay married to one person, no matter what

Own several dogs (Pets EP)

Have a “pack”, aka four to five friends that you can really trust

Be BFFs with your spouse

Have four kids

Generation Twelve: Pig

“Pigs are diligent, compassionate, and generous. They have great concentration: once they set a goal, they will devote all their energy to achieving it. Though Pigs rarely seek help from others, they will not refuse to give others a hand. Pigs never suspect trickery, so they are easily fooled. Generally speaking, Pigs are relatively calm when facing trouble. No matter how difficult the problems are Pigs encounter, they can handle things properly and carefully. They have a great sense of responsibility to finish what they are engaged in.”

Traits: Good, Glutton, Loves Outdoors Aspiration: Soulmate Career: Culinary

Goals:

Complete your aspiration

Max your career (either branch)

Have a garden with one of every plant (excluding plants from GTW and OR)

Max cooking, gourmet cooking, and baking skills

Host a gold level dinner party every Friday

Have a large amount of friends (at least three)

Never marry, but adopt one child

Oh wow, we’ve made it to the end of the challenge! I hope you enjoyed. Feel free to show me pictures or update me on your playthrough on this if you’d like (tumblr: autumnalpixels.tumblr.com/twitter: @absoluteking8). You can also use the hashtag #autumnalchinesezodiac so I can see your posts and reblog some of them!

If you have any questions or suggestions, feel free to tell me and I’ll take them into consideration. <3

[maisstories]

I Need Your Help

To be more precise, my girlfriend needs your help. The reason I am the one writing this text is because right now she is so depressed and discouraged that she doesn’t have the strength to believe asking for help would make a difference, and that… that terrifies me.

For those who don’t know us, I am Mai, and my girlfriend is Kari. Under different circumstances, we should have our lives all nicely sorted out, but as we are all aware, we live in the kind of dystopian world society at large likes to pretend only happens in fiction. Especially Kari. You see, I’m from Spain, and Kari is from the US. This means an entire ocean separates us (otherwise I would’ve bundled her up and brought her home, believe me).

Kari is a poor wlw who lives in a very conservative area (as in, Bible Belt conservative). She has ADHD, which went untreated most of her life, hampering her at every turn. First, because she grew up in a very conservative Catholic family and most Catholic families just Don’t Believe in Those Things. Now… well, now because she has no medical insurance and can’t afford to pay for medication. Cute, isn’t it? And that’s not even the best part. Kari has depression, that I mentioned, but this whole situation, and the hopelessness it causes her, has brought forth suicidal ideation. I don’t have the words to express just how scared I am by this. It paralyzes me. There is nothing, physically nothing I can do if they ever get the better of her.

To add to this, it has been made abundantly clear to Kari that her parents won’t help her if she becomes homeless. They didn’t want a child to begin with. A gay child? Yeah, no, forget about it.

(On a bit of a bright note, Kari has two adopted cats, which are the cutest fur balls over. They’re her closest emotional support most days, and I am very grateful for them. I can’t cuddle her or be physically there for her at all, but I can at least ask her to go cuddle them. They’re not even on the particularly scratchy side for cats).

Currently, Kari has a job, but despite taking on as many extra hours as possible, she cannot make enough money for rent. In fact, she cannot make many other basic necessities, which I will list here because they’re important, I am worried sick, and we really do need help:

-Work: Kari lost her previous job for one of those completely absurd, US-only reasons back in late October. I say absurd because any company trying to pull that shit here in Spain, and most likely anywhere in the European Union, would’ve been fined out of business. But hey, Country of Freedom and all that, isn’t it? She finally found a new job mid-November. Lower pay, though, which means it doesn’t help her cover full rent.

-Rent: As many people in the US will know, and others not from the US will have heard, rent outside of isolated areas is ridiculously expensive, especially for such a large and unpopulated country. The Wonders of Capitalism. As such, Kari is forced to pay a truly monstrous amount of money for a minuscule space to live in, one that ate up most of her previous salary and that surpasses her current one.

-Bills: Let’s not forget these. She rations. As much as she can. Electricity, water, internet… she goes for cheapest and least use, so far as to monitor her use of water during showers, but this still adds to her expenses.

-Food: Now’s where things get to a truly awful degree. When she moved to the place she lives in now (and if anyone wants the story that led to this move, please ask, because that’s an entirely other level of fucked up), she had to apply for food stamps, because she had barely no money left to feed herself and her two adopted cats after all the mandatory expenses. Food stamps people don’t look at the money you have left after bills, they just look at your income, so she was allotted $16. Useful, right? Anyway, fast forward to late October: Kari loses her job, so, obviously, one of the first things she does is contact the food stamps people to update her situation and have her allotment reevaluated. No response. Contact again. No response. This keeps going on. Mid-November, she gets a new job (still no response from the food stamps people despite the many attempts to contact them). Last Friday, her food supplies consisted of a bit of chicken, two fish fillets, and a couple eggs. I do not kid you. Today, the food stamp people finally answered her call: they won’t look into her case until, at least, December.

That’s it for the basics. As you see, it’s a wonderful situation.

Now, my role in this, as I’m sure some of you are wondering.

Let me start by saying this: I am a heavily disabled woman (nearly blind) living in an isolated area with the worst public transport system this side of the Mediterranean Sea. I am incapable of even getting out of home without assistance and someone to drive me at the moment. This means, having a job where I currently live is out of the question (I’m working on getting a job somewhere else where I’ll be able to live on my own. Sort of). My only source of income right now is my Patreon account, the earnings of which go fully to Kari because my girlfriend’s wellbeing matters to me much more than anything I could ever need for myself. I may say whatever I want about my parents’ belief that my relationship isn’t real because they don’t believe you can forge real connections through the internet (or the fact they want me to have a BOYfriend because they want grandchildren), but at least they’re so terrified I’ll break the moment I step outside on my own that they take good care of me.

Still, unfortunately, I’m only a writer, and a writer’s Patreon doesn’t make enough money to cover for such serious issues.

But Kari is the most important person in my life. I’m not exaggerating. I never thought I’d fall in love. I’ve always been the weird one out, the blind kid teachers coddled too much out of pity so other kids disliked and picked on, the one who was so odd that didn’t even fit with the weird kids in school. That happened everywhere, anywhere I went. Even in some fandom groups. It came to the point I stopped trying. It came to the point I thought once my parents died I wouldn’t have anyone. I’d stopped making plans for the future. There was no future for me.

And then I met Kari. She can make me smile with a silly gif and an obscure quote I thought no one else knew at 3am when I’m on the verge of tears because I feel trapped in my own house; she can get me excited about doing a joint cosplay in the distant future when I’d given up on cosplay years ago because I had no one who wanted to go to cons with me; she listens to my stupid history rants and even shows interest in them, when the most I’m used to getting are eye rolls and a change of topic.

Kari is the best that’s happened to me. Ever. And I want her to be happy. I want her to not have to worry about rent; I want her to be able to buy herself a chocolate bar because she feels like it without having to feel guilty for wasting the money. I want her to be able to live without the fear of being evicted every month, without having to worry about tomorrow’s meals because she ran out of food stamps and the fridge has only a can of soup left for the weekend. I want her to be able to go to the doctor when she’s sick and buy the medication she needs to get better.

But I don’t have the power to do this. Not now, not yet. So I’m asking you, everyone out there, to please help us. Help her.

And, I’m afraid, November is an awful month for Kari. Due to the late date at which she found her new job, she is missing a large chunk of rent. I’m doing everything in my power to gather money, and I ask —no, beg— you to help. Donate something, anything. Even if it is small, many small donations can make a difference.

Originally, we wanted to do a GoFundMe page with a three-month goal of 975 dollars to cover that period’s expenses (yes, guys, we’re missing about 500 this month. It’s that horrible), but every single crowdfunding website we have found works through bank accounts. Banks in the US are sharks; they tax you for not having enough income, for not having enough activity… Basically, if you’re poor in the US, you have to pay to have a bank account that will never have any money in it because the bank will eat it up. So, until we find an alternate crowdfunding site that allows to collect through paypal, we have set us several other safe forms through which you guys can donate to help Kari.

Paypal.Me: https://paypal.me/findyourwaycrafts

Ko-Fi: https://ko-fi.com/findyourway

Kari has a crafts store, because she is a fantastic artist (and you should totally check it out), with much stuff already on it and other stuff planned to come:

Store: https://findyourway.storenvy.com/

Store Tumblr: https://findyourwaycrafts.tumblr.com/

However, these things take time to take off, and we are running out of time in November. So please, please, help us cover the remainder of Kari’s rent for this month. Even if it’s just a dollar, three, five, a purchase of a necklace. Anything. Please, help us. Help Kari keep a roof over her head this Winter.

[werevulvi]

What are some things you love about your country? Then what are some things you abhor?

Things I love about Sweden: - The healthcare system. Honestly. It's not perfect but it's MUCH better than the US and many other European countries. If I'd move to another country and could only bring one thing, it'd be the healthcare system.

- That many people here are very tolerant and polite, even if they might think nasty things about others, Swedes aren't particularly likely to be outright mean, harass, violent, etc. At least not in the countryside and smaller cities. Sure, crimes happen even in my small village, but it's very rare and 99% of them are drug related.

- The nature is really nice. Lots of forest and a rich wildlife. I grew up around a really old forest with huge trees that had been growing for hundreds of years. I could see the Northern Lights on the sky just above the house. Lots of greens, fields of flowers, etc. On this island I live now there are wild horses and wild bunnies. Swedish nature can be the stuff of fairytales, almost, and I think that's really beautiful and mesmerising.

- Is mostly neutral when it comes to wars and hasn't been in a war (officially/directly) since like the 1600's. (Still makes and sells weaponry to war torn countries, but still.)

- The words "lagom" and "orka" are priceless, but unfortunately not translatable. "Lagom" roughly means "just enough" or like "perfect" but un-enthusiastically. "Orka" refers to lacking energy, willpower, or both, for doing something or caring about something. Both these words can also get really funny when used in humour, etc.

- Very much personal opinion, but I really like the rich viking history that my country has. The old runestones that have been found all over, ancient jewellery, clothing, weaponry, tools, etc. My dad used to be an archeologist so I heard about it already from early childhood. I've also been fascinated by the Old Norse Religion (Asatro) and the mythology surrounding it ever since I was a kid. My new name that I'm changing to officially (meaning my actual irl name) comes from it: Sigvard. I mean, I just always really liked that that's the history my ancestors come from! (Too bad Christianity came and ruined it all.)

- Speaking of religion, I also really like that Sweden separates the state from the Church and thus is politically atheist. We still have religious freedom, but religion is not allowed to interfere with politics. However, politics (meaning political parties/government) are allowed to interfere with religion. I think statistically, most Swedes are atheistic Christians. Which means they're just members of the church and celebrate Christmas but don't believe in God or the Bible or anything.

- Very area specific, but the city closest to me is mostly still preserved medieval buildings, etc. So it's very beautiful, unique, withering a bit, and slightly dangerous to run around in due to very steep hills and gnarly alleys. The whole island I live on is a bit special like that and is basically a huge tourist trap. (I love what the place looks like, but I hate the tourists!)

- Having Swedish as one's native language makes it much easier to learn other languages and to not have a particularly strong accent or mis-pronounciations. This is because of how the Swedish language is built, in terms of pronounciation, melody, etc.

- It's generally very LGBT friendly, was one of the first (7th) countries to allow gay marriage (2009) and one of the first to allow gender transitions (back in 1973) which is good in general, despite it's deeply soaked in libfem.

- We had Astrid Lindgren, Alfred Nobel, Anders Celsius, Gustav Vasa, and many other interesting people that made history. Also ABBA and Ace of Base!

Things I abhor about Sweden: - Expect yearly vitamin D deficieny, from October to March.

- The immigration policy is bad. In like... all possible ways it can be bad. Kick out the law-abiding decent immigrants who try their hardest to make life better - and let the criminals who can't be fucked to care stay. Take in more immigrants than there are resources to help. We're totally out of housing, healthcare resources, jobs, space in education, etc, and going over our limits increasingly by the day. I can't move to Stockholm or anywhere off this island because of this and it SUCKS ass. It's NOT the fault of the immigrants, it's the fault of the government making shitty choices to avoid a financial collapse by trying to replace the elderly with younger immigrants (to work to increase the economy,) basically. The European Union is also to blame, because it's pushing the countries to take in more immigrants than there are resources to accommodate for. It's a mess and I'm morbidly curious how that all is gonna end. Probably not well.

- Speaking of the government, it is useless, retarded and even the "conservative" parties are hopelessly libfem.

- News media is almost all (libfem) biased, and most people don't get that they're being sold half-lies en masse. Hence the sad result of governemt and why people keep voting for them, many people are “woke” and why I'm so despondent about it all. Send halp plz.

- The country is handling the corona situation VERY badly. Like really, really badly. No one wears masks, people don't give a shit about social distancing, schools were never closed off when the pandemic hit, and the government refused to react to it in a decent enough time. Testing for corona pretty much doesn't even happen. Many, MANY old people die from it and are refused hospital care, etc. I've heard so many horrible stories it hurts my heart. Elderly people being mistreated on a state level is just beyond awful. They worked for my country to be what it is today (please see the list of what I love about Sweden) and do NOT deserve such a horrible fate.

- Speaking of old people, the elderly care is worse than how people in prison are treated here. LITERALLY. I wish I was joking. Their health care, hygiene, food, etc, is at a much lower quality than that of incarcerated people. If I ever get Alzheimer I'm gonna just shoot myself, rather than end up in a retirement home. (To clarify I'm NOT planning suicide, this is a JOKE. But it's also an important reflection on the sad reality of Swedish retirement homes.) And let's not even talk about my parents and their future prospects.

- Dentistry is not included in the good health care system. So you have to pay for it out of pocket as soon as you turn 18, basically, and it's not cheap.

- Streets/railroads are not getting properly cleared from snow in the winters and every, I mean EVERY god damn year traffic collapses nationwide because snow happened. As if it was a surprise that snow would happen. As if other snow-ridden countries don't know how to handle the snow... *

Okay I should probably stop this list now, lol, it's getting out of hand! I hope it was entertaining, interesting, shocking, or something of value!

[thepropertylovers]

Feature Friday with Matthew Chaffee

Happy Friday, friends. Though the weeks are running together and what day it is means almost nothing anymore, we’re so happy it’s finally the weekend. The last few weeks have been some of the busiest for us (feeling grateful for that) and we’re looking forward to relaxing just a bit this weekend. Do you have any fun plans?

This week’s Feature Friday is Matthew, who shares what it was like growing up in a conservative environment, the response he got from his senior high school class when he came out in front of them by reading an essay (!), and his advice for those struggling to come out. We enjoyed getting to know Matthew and we think you will, too. See what we mean below…

What is your favorite place you’ve ever traveled to and why? Unfortunately, my answer to this question isn’t very exciting. Growing up, my family never had a lot of extra money to spend on traveling, so most of our vacations consisted of road trips around the Midwest. Don’t get me wrong, I got to see some fascinating places and make great memories with my family, but I haven’t been anywhere particularly exotic. I have been to New York City twice, both times for a music department tour in high school, and I’d have to say that it’s probably my favorite place I’ve traveled to. It was so much bigger and so much more cosmopolitan than anything I had ever seen or was used to, so it was quite overwhelming. The sheer vibrancy of it all – the lights, the smells, the languages – was intoxicating. Attending a performance of Phantom of the Opera on Broadway would probably have to go on my list of top ten life experiences thus far. It’s definitely not somewhere I could live for any length of time, but for somewhere to visit, it was phenomenal. 

Where did you grow up? What was your environment like? I’ve spent the entirety of my life living in West Michigan, which, as you may or may not know, is pretty traditional and conservative. More specifically, I’m from Grandville, which is a city of about 16,000 located in the Greater Grand Rapids area. Dutch heritage and Reformed (Protestant) Christian values play a big role in shaping the culture of the circles I grew up in. I attended a Christian Reformed Church, and I was educated in a private Christian school where my graduating class consisted of approximately seventy students. My family consists of myself, my mother, my father, and my brother, who is five years younger than me. I am very close with my parents, and I’d say my relationship with my brother is typical of siblings with our age gap. Family and faith have always been central parts of my life, and I don’t foresee that changing. 

How did your environment growing up shape who you are as a person? Growing up in a pretty conservative area definitely had an impact on my younger years. I remember in elementary school, like many children, I would parrot my parents’ political views when “discussing” politics with my peers. However, with the growing revelation about my sexuality that came with puberty, my views slowly began to change. Another catalyst for my shifting views occurred in middle school, when a good friend of mine was deported to Guatemala due to an error in her parents’ paperwork. The injustice of it all really impacted me and opened my eyes to a world that before had been largely hidden. High school gave me my first opportunity to connect with international students. As I have always been interested in learning about different cultures, I quickly befriended them and even helped start my high school’s International Club, which provided opportunities for American and international students to interact and attend various cultural events. Finally, my Aunt Dawn and Uncle Tim have played a major role in exposing me to issues concerning social justice. Although both of them grew up in West Michigan – just like my parents – their life circumstances have provided them with opportunities not experienced by most of my other family members. Because of this, they have always stood out to me as being somehow “different”, more engaged and more vibrant and passionate than most people I know. As I grew older and began paying more attention to the things my Aunt and Uncle would talk about, I began to realize the value behind the causes they were advocating. When taken together, my friends, my family, my sexuality, and my desire to continuously learn and expand my horizons have shaped me into who I am today. 

What’s one interesting fact about you? Besides English, I’m speak conversational Spanish and basic French and Korean. I also can play piano and trumpet, and I love to sing (though I don’t know if I’m any good or not, since I’m too shy to sing in front of anyone). 

What is one thing you love about yourself? Learning to love myself hasn’t been easy; it’s a process, and definitely something I’m still working on. But one thing I’ve always been proud of is my imagination. I’m a dreamer, and my mind is a wild place. I keep a running note on my phone of all the random, crazy things I think up so that maybe someday I can make them happen. 

What brings you the most joy in life? Oh boy. There are so many things I could talk about here. I love being outdoors. In particular, I love to bike. Bike trails are plentiful where I live, and Grand Rapids has begun to install bike lanes, so getting around and finding new places to ride is a cinch. My favorite ride is from Grand Rapids out to Lake Michigan, which I do a few times every summer with my best friend. Other outdoor activities I enjoy are hiking and hammocking. I firmly believe that everyone should own a good hammock. In addition to outdoor activities, I love to cook and bake. My specialties are ice cream and gourmet mac & cheese. Someday I hope to write a mac & cheese cookbook and title it “MAC: The Complete Guy to Everyone’s Childhood Favorite” (M-A-C are my initials). I also make a mean hummus. I love to learn. I’ve spent countless hours on Wikipedia reading about the most arbitrary topics. Whether it’s German political parties or the Japanese folklore, I’ve probably read about it. Nothing is off limits. As a result, my mind is a veritable treasure trove of random and mostly useless facts. Finally, I find joy in spending quality time with friends and family. Whether it’s playing ultimate frisbee, exploring a new city, dumpster diving at Krispy Kreme (a tradition at my college), or having late-night campfire talks, I’m down for just about anything as long as I’m with the right people. 

How old were you when you came out? What was your experience like? My coming out experience was a rather long process. Pretty much as soon as I began to have romantic feelings toward people, I realized that I had them for both guys and girls. This was around fourth or fifth grade, and I told myself that it was normal, that I wasn’t actually attracted to guys, but that I just knew that some guys were really good-looking. Once I reached middle school, I started to come to terms with the fact that maybe I was attracted to guys. But I continued to tell myself that I was more attracted to girls. I did the whole “percentage” thing, where I was like, “okay, I’m eighty percent straight, twenty percent gay.” I first came out as bisexual to my friend Carly. Freshman year of high school I told a few more friends that I was bi, and it went over pretty well. Sophomore year I briefly dated a girl, then junior year I began dating another girl. That lasted for about a year until we broke up early spring of my senior year. The breakup gave me a lot to think about, but even while dating her I realized that something never really felt right; I could never really imagine myself with her – or with any girl for that matter – for the long term. After much soul searching, I finally accepted that I was gay. One of the last big projects senior year was the “Where I Stand” paper. This was an essay written by every senior for English class, and it was basically an opportunity to say whatever you wanted and to be really open and vulnerable and reflect on your life leading up to that point. I decided to incorporate my coming out into my paper. It wasn’t the central focus, rather more of a side note. Thankfully, my English teacher, Mrs. Hoeve (now Dr. Hoeve) was extremely supportive throughout the process. On the day when everyone shared their papers, I concluded mine to thunderous applause, which was especially remarkable considering the fact that most of my classmates came from the same conservative, Reformed Christian background as I did. On the whole, I couldn’t have asked for a better coming-out experience at school. 

How did your friends and family take it? Did you face any backlash? How did/do you deal with that? I waited to come out to my parents until after my graduation and open house in order to not burden them with the news. Finally, after the celebrations had ended, I let them read my paper. The fifteen minutes or so that I waited in my room while they read it downstairs were the most agonizing of my life, because I knew how earth-shattering the revelation would be to them. When they finally came up to my room, their expressions were pretty much what I’d expected – reassuring, yet somehow disheartening at the same time. They assured me that they still loved me, that they were proud of me, and that they were glad I had told them. Since that time, we have only discussed my sexuality on a few occasions. When I first told them that I was dating a guy, it was almost like coming out all over again; I think that revelation finally made my sexuality real to them. In the intervening time, I have seen my mom making definite strides in becoming more open-minded not just toward me but in general, which is great. My dad, though he accepts and loves me, is very set in his ways – though, to be fair, I have had fewer conversations with him regarding my sexuality. My dad’s parents disowned me when I came out to them, though that hasn’t had much of an impact on me due to the fact that I was never very close to them. My mom’s parents, on the other hand, have always been incredible grandparents to me, so coming out to them, especially knowing their stance on other issues, was pretty nerve- wracking. Incredibly, the news didn’t seem to affect them at all, and their treatment of me since that time hasn’t differed in the least; they are still the loving, generous grandparents I’ve always known, and for that I’m extremely thankful. My friends have all been very accepting as well, though this was to be expected considering I have always associated with my more relaxed, open-minded peers. 

What did you learn about yourself in the coming out process? One of the most meaningful lessons I’ve learned about myself in the coming-out process is truly understanding what I value and stand for. I was raised as a Christian, and my faith is still very important to me. If anything, it’s actually become stronger as I’ve navigated the ups and downs of my journey with my sexuality. I’ve talked with numerous gay men who, at one point or another, renounced religion for various reasons, but often those reasons involved the church’s negative treatment or exclusion of LGBTQ+ individuals. To me, this is heartbreaking. As someone who identifies both as gay and as a Christian, seeing the false dichotomy that has been constructed around these two identities is challenging and frustrating, because I personally don’t believe that such exclusivity has any place in either institution. At its core, Christianity is about love. Sure, there are endless theological arguments to be made, but I don’t believe that these are necessary in order for a Christian to be accepting of another’s sexuality. Indeed, many of my friends are Christians; these are the same friends who accept my sexuality and wholeheartedly support me. Furthermore, the professors at the private Christian university I attend vehemently assert that Christianity and social justice go hand- in-hand, and that this includes advocacy for LGBTQ+ rights. Seeing this kind of support coming from within circles that are often viewed as hostile toward the LGBTQ+ community has been so incredibly encouraging. Not only has this served to reinforce my identity as both a gay man and a Christian, but it has also provided me with confidence when speaking about these issues. 

What would you tell today’s LGBTQ youth who are struggling to come out in fear they won’t be accepted by family, friends, society? You just might be surprised. People you’d never expect to support you will rally around you and love you. It’s also possible that people who truly care about you, but who may not be supportive right now, will have a change of heart when they find out. Sometimes it takes time. Case in point: my own parents, who are still processing and learning about what it means to have a gay son. Know, too, that family can mean more than one thing. Friends are the family you choose, so seek out and surround yourself with people who will love and accept you for who you are, especially if your actual family doesn’t. As cliché as it sounds, it does get better. Sometimes you just have to put in the effort to make it better for yourself and accept the challenges along the way. 

What is a difficult or challenging obstacle you have overcame in your life, or hope to overcome? By far the most difficult obstacle I’ve had to overcome in my life has been my struggle with mental illness, namely anxiety and depression. I was extremely anxious as a young child, to the point where I would induce vomiting before any sort of performance or sporting event so that it wouldn’t happen while on stage or on the field. Looking back, I think my anxiety was to blame for a lot of missed opportunities. For example, I don’t view myself as a particularly athletic person. But is this actually true? Or did I just never really try for fear of failure? Anxiety also manifests itself in my relationships. Elementary school friendships were rocky at best, and college presented its own challenges with meeting people and putting myself out there. More recently, depression has been a major struggle in my life. As I mentioned, I struggled initially to make friends at college (though this has since changed), and as I result, I became very depressed. I saw all the people around me getting settled into their friend groups while I felt alone. There was a point where my loneliness led me to seriously contemplate suicide, and I believe that perhaps the only thing that stopped me was when a friend checked in on me and gave me a hug. Since that time, I’ve been working on slowly but surely moving my center of identity to within myself, rather than placing it in other people and their judgements of me. I am focusing on pursuing my hobbies and interests, taking time to care for myself, and accepting my emotions as valid while simultaneously analyzing them through an objective lens. By doing this, I have become less worried about maintaining relationships and instead have been able to be present and actually enjoy them while also feeling more comfortable in the times when I’m alone. 

Who is your biggest inspiration and why? My biggest inspiration is my mom’s sister Dawn. She is one of the wisest, most thoughtful, and most gracious people I know. I actually came out to her before I told my parents; due to her close relationship with my mom, I knew she would have some good suggestions for how to break the news to them, and that she would be able to help my mom process the news after the fact. To give an idea of the type of person Dawn is, here’s a little anecdote: When I worked as a Resident Assistant in college, I had a resident come out to me. I was thrilled and honored to have him entrust me with such a significant part of his identity, and I really valued the opportunity to walk alongside him in his journey. I mentioned to him the role Dawn had played in my own coming-out process, and he asked if she might be willing to offer some advice to his mom. I reached out to Dawn, and she willingly agreed. I came to find out later from this resident that his mother and my aunt had talked for over an hour on the phone. I don’t know very many people who would go so far out of their way to help and support a complete stranger. 

Where do you see yourself in five years? Oh boy. Honestly, I try not to plan too far ahead, because that can be dangerous for an overthinking dreamer like me. But if I had to say, five years from now I actually hope to be doing exactly what you guys (PJ & Thomas) are doing. I joke that my dream is to have my own HGTV show, and while the odds of that happening are slim to none, I’d be happy to flip houses and develop property even without a TV show. I also hope to meet the man of my dreams, get married, and start a family, though this might take a little longer than five years down the road to happen. My greatest fear is actually never finding love. I know it seems a little ridiculous for a twenty-one-year-old to be worrying about that sort of thing, but it’s hard when you have friends who have been in serious relationships for years or who are getting engaged. I have to keep reminding myself that people find love at different times and in different places, and that I shouldn’t compare my own journey with others’.

Any last words you want to leave people with? Feel free to share! Feel free to message me! I always love getting to meet new people and hear their stories.

Thank you so much, Matthew! You can follow him on Instagram here. Hope you have a great weekend, friends!! xx

P&T

[sexyupsidedownpineapple]

Popping Our Cherry

Hey there :) 

To maintain absolute discretion, every name and location you read on my blog has been changed. But I can assure you.. every story is 100% real.

Before I delve in to the incredibly amazing and sexy experience that my husband and I had our first time at a local sex club, I think it's important that I give a little back story, and how we got in to this lifestyle in the first place.

So hi! I am your very typical suburban Mom. Mid 30's, two kids, golden retriever, we even have a fucking white picket fence. Totally, unabashedly, suburban. But only at the surface. 

You see, I grew up in a very conservative household. Which is odd really, because my parents we're quintessential hippies. I've seen the photographic evidence! Him with this long ponytail and 70's mustache, her in a scantily clad bikini top with bell bottoms. They grew up in a time of free love and promiscuity. So why the fuck didn't they teach me anything about sex. 

Now I don't mean that in a perverted, call CPS kind of way. When I was 9, I asked my Mom where babies came from. She mumbled something imperceptible and told me "We don't talk about those types of things sweetie"  and that was the first and last time we SPOKE about sex. A few days later I found a library book on my bed entitled "The Birds and the Bee's". And that folks.. was my sex education. Fucking pitiful. Fast forward 20 some years and I was an insecure woman who had trouble talking about sex. So fucking pitiful!

So let's head back to present time. I am 36, I have been married to the most incredible guy for 14 years. We have two beautiful children, a gorgeous house, and an amazing life. We are rock. fucking. solid. And I mean it, we've been through some shit in our marriage and we are still standing here on the other side, madly in love. I consciously make the choice to spend my life with him everyday, and he chooses me too. I could not ask for a better partner! 

One night, after a few too many glasses of wine. I confessed a secret I had been holding on to for a very very VERY long time. I was attracted to other females and I wanted to have a threesome. I swear..I thought he was going to fall off the bed! But.. to my utter surprise.. he was receptive to it. Hell, he was on board! And so the hunt began..

So, being in between the millennial and Gen X generations, whenever I have a question, I turn to the one true almighty, all knowing, entity.... Google. I quickly learned that finding a "unicorn" (single female, seeking a couple to play with) truly is a mythical thing! So, I found a few swingers blogs and articles. They all had one thing in common... if you want to get in to the swingers lifestyle.. start with a local swingers club. Now, I live in the midwest, in a red state.. surely there are no clubs like that close to where I live... right? Oh so wrong! I found SO MUCH INFORMATION! It was very overwhelming! 

After a fair amount of research and reading I found a local swingers/sex club and made a profile. To my surprise we generated a good amount of "likes" and "wants to meet" in those first few days. It boosted my confidence like you would not believe. I was still rocking my post baby bod (my baby is 5 years old, by the way!) So I hadn't been feeling particularly sexy or attractive in the last few years. Though my husband is always very complimentary, I ever felt very confident in my body. My once size 2 waist was now a size 8-10. So the validation felt good. We started chatting with couples and made plans to attend our first event at the club. 

Now the juicy stuff...

So what was the club like? So fucking hot! Since it was our first time we got a guided tour of the club. There was a bar, and dance area. An area with a pool table, and an outside patio. Typical club right?  Oh, except for the 10 private play rooms, glory holes, sex swings, and the BDSM room. Holy shit. This was going to be an EPIC night!

So we spent a fair amount of time in the bar area and outside. It was a gorgeous September night. Slight chill in the air. Just enough to make my nipples stand erect under my thin slinky white dress. We spent the evening sipping on our drinks and making conversation with our new friends. Eventually we ventured inside and to the dance floor. Drinks still flowed and we were all dancing and grinding on each other. We had arrived at the club with a couple we met on the site, Jen and Adam. They were so incredibly nice, answered all of our questions, and made us feel very welcome. Jen was gorgeous, small waist, gorgeous hips, and huge tits. Her boyfriend, Adam, super sexy. Shaved head (just like my hubby!) and just the right amount of confidence. We also met Shelly and Micah, a super fun couple! She had a commanding presence and was instantly the center of attention, and he was the strong silent type with a witty sense of humor. So we were all dancing and having a good time, when we saw another couple we had been chatting with standing by the bar. James and Anna. Anna has a gorgeous body and beautiful blonde hair, and James was really attractive and confident. They joined us and we had a blast on the dance floor! Eventually we all needed a break and some fresh air, so we decided to head to the patio. Now, to get to the patio.. you have to walk through the private room area. By now, the party had been going on for several hours.. so the rooms had lots of interesting things going on. 

As we proceeded down the hallway James and Anna stopped outside a room to watch what was happening inside. As I went to pass by, Anna slipped her arm around my waist to stop me. So I paused and turned to face the doorway where the "show" was happening. There were 4 people in the room. The BDSM room. One woman was strapped to giant X, while another woman played with her body.  Her hands were everywhere, on her breasts, on her waist, on her pussy. Then, she slid the thin fabric that could barely qualify as lingerie over to the side and began to lick. Anna's hands began to move over my body. My hips, my stomach, my ass.. It was so fucking hot to watch, and be touched by another woman. Before this point, I had never done anything more than a small kiss (once) with another female (a dare in the 11th grade) So I was in completely new territory!

Eventually we moved on down the hall and came to a stop outside an empty room. We all wanted to go in, but hesitated. We stood in the hallway talking and flirting and laughing for some time, before we all eventually entered the room. This is the first time I felt some nerves kick in. So as we all stood around the room, no one really making the first move. Anna looked at me and said "I guess it's time to sacrifice the virgin." I thought my pussy was going to burst in to flames. I was very ready. Shelly then came over to me and led me over to the bed. I gently laid down. She asked me "are you ok with this" I suppressed the urge to blurt out "fuck yeah!" and instead went for a gentle head nod and seductive smile. Shelly started kissing me. Very gently, with her hands on my face and neck. She then moved her hands and mouth to my chest, to my stomach, and then eventually.. down further. She gently pushed my white lacy thong to the side and licked my pussy from bottom to top. I let out a soft moan. she continued to lick and caress my pussy, so gently. Just then, Adam slid over and gently pulled the top of my dress down. He took my right breast in his hands and and sucked on my nipple. Then, he kissed me and reached down with his hand and slipped a finger in my very wet pussy, while Shelly flicked her tongue back and forth over my clit. I looked up to see Anna standing in front of James against the wall, he was fondling her breasts and they were both watching me. I smiled at her and she made her way over to the bed to attend to my left breast. Sucking, and licking, and squeezing. She moved her face up and kissed me, massaging my tongue with hers. She was a good fucking kisser. I moved my hand though the tangle of bodies to find her breasts. I gently squeezed them and her mouth was back at my chest. She also reached down to fondle my pussy. I was on fire. Anna then moved back to James, and they started making out against the wall. My husband moved in to take over just as Shelly made me come for the second time. It was euphoric. 

Then it was Anna's turn. Shelly went down on her as she sucked James's cock. Once Shelly had made her come, James flipped her around and fucked her doggy style. Adam came over to fondle her breasts. She came again, and James finished inside her. It was the hottest thing I have ever seen. Once we were all done we got dressed said goodbye to our new friends and rode the sex high back home. It was one of the most amazing experiences of my life, and I can't wait to go back and see what happens next time. 

Until next time.

XOXO,

Mrs. Pineapple

[bewitching-elizabeth-olsen]

Press: Elizabeth Olsen Opens Up for Who What Wear's September Cover

  Gallery Links:

Studio Photoshoots > 2019 > Session 006

Studio Photoshoots > 2019 > Session 006 – Behind the Scenes

  WHAT WHEN WEAR: A loose linen blouse. An untouched plate of madeleines. An empty French bistro in the Valley on a Tuesday at 4 p.m. These are the poised circumstances under which I spend an afternoon attempting to better understand one of Hollywood’s most discreet young celebrities: Elizabeth Olsen.

The 30-year-old actress’s identity doesn’t seem like it would lend itself to much mystery. Since 2014, Olsen has starred as the Scarlet Witch in Marvel’s superhero movie franchise—one of the most-watched film series in entertainment history. (This summer’s Avengers: Endgame quickly became the second-highest-grossing movie of all time.) It’s a role she’ll reprise later with WandaVision, a Disney+ spin-off series about her superhero character coming spring 2021. In the meantime, Olsen executive produces and stars in Sorry for Your Loss, a drama series following Olsen as Leigh, a young widow struggling to deal with the sudden loss of her husband. (The show airs on Facebook Watch, and its second season premieres October 1.) By any objective measure, business is booming for Olsen, the younger sibling of Ashley and Mary-Kate, who long ago reached a level of fame so behemoth they no longer need a last name. The Olsens are as much American royalty as the Kennedys or the Rockefellers. I should know everything about Elizabeth Olsen.

And yet, as soon as she walks through the door of Petit Trois (the setting she chose for our interview) and introduces herself to me, it sinks in how little I do know. “I’m Lizzie,” she says with a jumpy half-hug, half-handshake—though the awkwardness is entirely my fault. I’m caught off guard that the young starlet lives just outside of L.A., around the corner from where she grew up (I would have pegged her for more of a hip Eastside girl), and I never knew she went by the cozy nickname. “Thanks for coming to the Valley,” she says, smiling.

Following behind two heavy-hitting child stars turned esoteric fashion moguls, Olsen, who decided at a young age to pursue a career in acting (and obtained a degree in it from NYU), had prodigious shoes to fill. Her on-screen breakout, a critically lauded lead in the 2011 Sundance hit Martha Marcy May Marlene, suggested that Olsen would be taking a cleverly divergent route from her older sisters—one of a risk-taking indie cinema darling. Some of her filmography still reflects that identity—roles in quirky small-budget dramedies like 2012’s Liberal Arts and 2017’s Ingrid Goes West.

Maybe that’s why, even after all the Marvel movies, which are about as commercial as they come, I still see her in that light. Or maybe it’s Olsen’s enigmatic personal life, almost laissez-faire approach to style (“A combination of suburban mom meets little boy,” is how she describes it), and overall serenity of manner that create the sort of intrigue that independent film girls tend to have.

Her current project, Sorry for Your Loss, certainly has some of that indie energy, simply because Facebook Watch is still a new and unknown content platform. Olsen admits that selling the show to Facebook felt like a scary move in the beginning since most audiences don’t know that watching TV on Facebook is a thing at all. Moving into season two, she’s still figuring out the best way to spread the word to audiences. “There is no precedent, and that can be really challenging,” Olsen emphasizes. Still, there are major pluses to the marriage of television and social media, especially for a show that addresses a topic as personal and underrepresented as grief. “The show living on Facebook has been interesting because of the dialogue people get to have about their own experiences with grief and loss on the platform,” Olsen says.

The actress is looking forward to audiences’ feedback on season two, which finds Leigh “taking big swings, making big mistakes, and trying to figure out the balance.” As Olsen says, “Grief isn’t something that you ever just shut a door on or move forward from. It’s very cyclical.”

Olsen, however, will not be participating in these conversations with fans herself, because—ironically—she’s not on Facebook. She didn’t have a trace of social media presence until 2017. She finally downloaded Instagram shortly after the release of Ingrid Goes West, in which she pulls off playing a very convincing L.A. influencer. In contrast to millennial celebrities who use social media to speak about everything from beauty products to social justice, Olsen doesn’t feel the obligation to be any sort of influencer, politically or otherwise. “If I like blending into a wall, screaming from a stage isn’t something that would help me enjoy my life,” she says. “Sometimes I just don’t want to be part of a conversation because I don’t want anyone looking my way.”

As it turns out, privacy and stability inform everything about Olsen’s life—from how she dresses to the roles she chooses—more than any desire to seem “cool.” She lives in suburbia with her fiancé, musician Robbie Arnett, where she enjoys cooking, eating, and dabbling in interior design. “I love food more than I love anything that has to do with clothes,” she says, starkly contrasting her stylish sisters. (Though the actress is more of a beauty girl—she currently serves as a global ambassador for Bobbi Brown Cosmetics.) Categorizing herself as an “obsessive, detailed perfectionist” beset with a heavy dose of social anxiety, Olsen prefers poring over moldings and wood stains than obsessing over how her body looks in a dress and which angle she should pose in.

Transforming into a character—wearing costumes, acting on camera—puts the performer right at home, but photoshoots and red carpets, which give her no role to disappear into, are a source of great distress. “I don’t like standing out in a crowd,” she tells me just after ordering the dainty plate of madeleines. Our server also named raspberry tarts and pains au chocolat on her list of available pastries, but down to her desserts, off-screen Olsen likes to keep it simple.

“At 30, I feel like I’m finally getting to an age that was meant for my personality,” the actress says with no ounce of irony. “Just domesticated. A homebody.” I introduce her to the term JOMO: the joy of missing out. “Yeah… that,” she confirms. “I never feel bad about not leaving my house.”

Quietude feels inherent to Olsen’s personality, but it’s also something she learned from her family. She tells me her parents have had the same group of 10 friends their whole lives; so have her older sisters. Like other famously private Hollywood families (the Coppolas, the Fondas), the Olsens justifiably keep their circles tiny and exclusive to those with whom they have history—those they can trust. “I don’t have too many friends that I’ve met through work,” Olsen says. “I care about privacy. I don’t have a desire for people to speak about me.” Bottom line: Lizzie Olsen is not particularly interested in fame.

Ultimately, no matter how superhuman she appears on the big screen, Olsen values a fairly normal life: She wants her pastries from Petit Trois, where everybody knows her; she wants her white button-downs and her stable paychecks from Facebook and Marvel (most of which she’s been tucking away in savings to prepare for a family, she says). “Maybe I think about things too rationally, but my career goals are longevity and stamina,” Olsen tells me. “Working steadily, feeling challenged, and just kind of hunkering down for a bit.” One day, that paycheck might come from a less visible job; Olsen says that later in life she’d like to go back to school for a degree in architecture, interior design, or landscaping. “I’m interested in the new science of irrigation and water conservation in California,” she shares. “I could be someone who’s lived multiple lives, multiple careers.”

Before heading out, Olsen packs the six madeleines, which have all gone untouched, in a to-go box for later, when she’s home, to savor in her quiet, happy place. “The next career could be a lot more private,” she says. “Maybe. We shall see.”

Press: Elizabeth Olsen Opens Up for Who What Wear’s September Cover was originally published on Elizabeth Olsen Source • Your source for everything Elizabeth Olsen

[angsty-nerd]

So, in the past 24 hours I have learned a lot of interesting things about Roswell, the real place, and its representation on television that I thought was worth writing about. And last night I spent maybe an hour on this post then lost about half of it....which pissed me off. But I’m gonna try again now so here goes nothing!

•Roswell is not a small town. It is a city. And frankly, after driving around New Mexico for the past few days, by New Mexico standards it's a pretty big city. And it feels like one. Lots of cars. Tons of chains and big box stores. A mall. Even the old town area has a few multi-story (5-6 story) buildings.

•Roswell is the Chaves County seat. But let me be clear... In the 18 or so hours that I was there I saw zero sign of the sherriff's department. On the other hand I saw quite a few Roswell City Police cars, and even a state police car.

•While Roswell is clearly a decent sized city today, I don’t doubt that the shows’ portrayal of it as a sleepy small town was accurate in 1947. You can sort of see how the town grew up around the Air Force Base and Military Institute based on where old town is located and how the development aged.

•Did you know that the crash site & Foster Ranch aren’t actually in Roswell? Nor are they particularly close to Roswell... in fact, it’s not even the closest town to them. They are about 70 miles northwest of Roswell near the town of Corona. So why is it the Roswell crash and the Roswell incident? I guess since that’s where the Air Force was based out of.

•Today there is not actually an active military base in Roswell. The Air Force Base closed in the late 60s. The only remaining military presence in Roswell is the New Mexico Military Institute. Before going to Roswell I assumed this was some hard core training facility. It’s actually a military high school/junior college.

•There is nothing resembling the Crashdown in old Roswell. There are, however, a ton of crappy souvenir shops. And there are friggin aliens everywhere. Like, on banks, and medical supply shops. Everywhere.

•Some weird details though, the show like, did super right. I was driving around the block to turn around when I was leaving, and I stumbled across this:

•Politically, I kind of get the sense that the show might actually be portraying things pretty accurately. Driving into town, I passed three billboards that caught my eye: “Guns For Cash”, “God is Good”, and “IMPEACH”. My takeaway? Mostly conservative with a touch of WTF is going on right now?

•I saw exactly one cowboy. He looked more like a Wyatt Long type than a Max or Michael type.

•Oh speaking of Max...there are very few adobe buildings in Roswell. That is really a Santa Fe thing, I think. In fact, most of the portions of the state that I’ve driven on this trip, houses on the outskirts of cities like his are typically more like trailer-like ranch-style houses.  Really, the aesthetic of the new show is alllll Santa Fe/northern mountainy New Mexico.

Rewinding to OG...

•The new show has really caused me to think about how young and naive I was back then and how I didn’t realize how whitewashed the show was in so many ways. I remember reading the books and being annoyed because Liz in the books wasn’t my Liz. It never occurred to me, as a girl from California, that New Mexico doesn’t look like California.

•I already mentioned that I drove through the Mescalero Reservation (including th town of Hondo, which was specifically the part of the reservation referenced in OG), and that it is nothing like they portrayed it on the show. Starting with the landscape. It’s very much in the middle of the mountains and very green and beautiful. It is not in the dry desert. And it is very developed. Communities with facilities, and public art, and large schools, and that church that I shared the other day. I’m sure they have their hidden places where they do traditional ceremonies, but that’s definitely not the first place you’d wander into on the reservation.

•Also, I’ll just say that the only location in OG that could possibly pass as New Mexico is Vasquez Rocks, and even that isn’t true to the Roswell area. Roswell is pretty flat and boring.

•Which reminds me, when I left town, driving north, I confirmed Liz’s statement... there really is a whole lot of nothing to see between Denver and Roswell.

[astromechs]

there’s nothing grand or revolutionary here, but i wanted to write down some pieces of my journey to... self-acceptance, i guess, before pride month 2019 is over. i never had a sweeping, cinematic moment of a big realization of my sexuality or anything like that, i didn’t have a dramatic coming out moment, so this story won’t be particularly interesting. but:

i kind of wanted to get it out of my own head, and

if it helps someone who’s struggling with similar things, i think that would be awesome, because i wish i had more of this when i was younger

i’ll put this under a read more for potential length to save your dashes.

i grew up, and still live, in the southeastern united states -- north carolina, to be specific. while i grew up in a fairly liberal urban area of the state that’s accepting of a lot of progressive values, i’m surrounded by a pretty conservative (and homophobic) southern culture. my immediate family consists of some fairly progressive and open-minded people, but the stock “southern” values do apply to my extended family, as well as to friends, neighbors, coworkers, etc who have been part of my life at various points. my state still doesn’t have laws in place to ensure protections for lgbtq+ individuals in terms of employment, housing, and other areas, and we are the state that passed the infamous “bathroom bill” a few years back.

this gives you an idea of the context from which i’m coming. a lot of self-acceptance among lgbtq+ individuals growing up in contexts such as these involves overcoming your own internalized homophobia instituted by the environment around you, and i’m no exception.

as a child and adolescent, i always knew something was “different” about me, but i could never put a finger on it -- it would take until adulthood before i really had the tools to do so. when i was in elementary school, the majority of my friends were boys, because at that time, i simply felt more comfortable around them; with a few notable exceptions of girls i formed intense friendships with (i’ll get to this more in a second), girls tended to make me... nervous, almost. i was very much against wanting to be boxed into stereotypes of traditional femininity, so i wanted to reject things like the color pink and playing with “girl toys” and “girl games” -- my emergence into adulthood and as a feminist has involved overcoming a lot of internalized misogyny; i’ve always been set in my gender identity as a cis female, but i resented gendered expectations put forth by society -- but upon further reflection, i think something else was going on there, too.

the “something else” involves multiple examples of very intense friendships with other girls that i can remember taking place through my late elementary school years and up through the end of high school. i won’t go into those in detail, but looking back, they had a lot of the same features -- the feeling that people described as “butterflies” that i desperately tried to feel for a boy and never did, intense connections, feeling like it was a true “breakup” whenever i encountered a falling out in one of these friendships. i bring up that last point, because i actually did date a boy when i was 17 (the one and only time i ever did), and when we broke up, i was sadder about losing the friendship i had with this boy than the relationship -- and my “friend breakups” with the other girls had felt much more devastating. (it’s also telling that i’m 30 now and have had zero desire to try to date a guy again since i was 17 but... you know.)

throughout high school as well, i had multiple “crushes” on guys that were either unavailable or turned out to be gay, and looking back, i think i did that very intentionally. there was a sense that i had to “fit in” with the other girls who were constantly talking about boys. i felt excluded during conversations about actors people thought were hot, so i definitely convinced myself to like a few of those, too; i was still doing this in the marvel fandom up until about a couple of years ago, but deep down, i honestly don’t care about which chris is more attractive than the other or whatever the hell. so this is how i’ve gone through many aspects of life: performative “crushes”, really trying to convince myself to like guys because i thought i was supposed to (and some guys, i really thought i did like).

i never closely examined that i could be anything other than straight until i hit college -- that was, you know, the default, what was expected of me by everyone around me. in my initial reflections, i determined that i was not, really, in fact attracted to men, a conclusion that i know to be true at this point in time, so that idea’s really been with me for a long time. i decided that if i wasn’t attracted to men, i had to be asexual, and in discovering that there was actually a label you could put on something that meant “i’m not really attracted to men and i don’t want to have sex with men like everyone else around me does”, i started to feel more secure about myself. i did a lot of reading about the asexual community at the time, about all the different places on the ace spectrum. it was awesome, people were welcoming, and i’m still grateful to the ace community for making me feel like something different could be “accepted” for the first time.

to any aces out there reading this -- you’re beautiful and valid, and i’ll fight anyone who gives you shit.

but here’s the kicker, y’all; in all that time, in the years between around 20 and 25 or so that i identified as ace, i had never, not once, considered that i could be attracted to women in a romantic/sexual way. oh, i had lots of dreams in my early-mid 20s about women (very often romantic/sexual) -- which i totally tried to repress, i talked extensively about how women were “aesthetically attractive” to me because they’re pretty and you can totally appreciate anyone who’s pretty without anything else attached right?, and i tried long and hard to convince myself that that was it. and by god, i kept trying.

i tabled this for the next three years, though, because there wasn’t a lot of time in my life for personal reflection or anything else; i was trying to get through an intense master’s program while simultaneously trying to keep my family from falling apart through the news of my father’s cancer diagnosis and subsequent hell with treatment, and it was really all i could do to keep my head above water. dating, relationships, how comfortable i felt in my own skin were all about the last things on my mind. it was “i don’t really need a label, anyway” and i left it at that.

after my father’s death, i went through a period of deep self-reflection. i think that’s a natural part of grief, to evaluate where you are in your own life when confronted with mortality much earlier than you expect to be like that. and in that self-reflection, i admitted to myself, finally, at the tender age of 28 years old, that i was attracted to women.

and that admission was terrifying.

i came to accept it, though, came to love it and embrace it as a part of myself, and i felt more comfortable in my own skin than i ever had. there was one lingering piece, though -- any attraction to men, or lack thereof. i pointed to all the times that i’d had crushes on guys, thought i felt attracted to them, and said, well, yes, i have these instances of being attracted to guys, so therefore i’m bi. that was the identity i carried for the next two years.

that label never felt 100% right, though. i knew that i had an overwhelmingly strong preference for women, and i was constantly interrogating the little slice of attraction to men that could potentially exist. was it genuine? was it compulsory heterosexuality? and the more and more i thought about it, the more and more i interrogated it, i realized -- it was the latter. i thought back to my experience of being in a relationship with a guy, and how everything felt fake. i thought about all the “crushes” on guys i really tried so hard to convince myself of. every single instance came back with the same thing: it was performative, rather than genuine.

about three weeks ago, at 30 years old, i called myself a lesbian for the first time in my life. standing in front of the mirror on a sunday morning, the word left my mouth with a rush of anxiety, the same rush that had come with the realization of my attraction to women, but after that passed -- i felt calm. at peace. like something had finally, finally clicked into place.

this pride month, i feel proud of myself and who i am. i’ve learned to love myself as a woman, and i’ve learned to love my love for other women. these things are beautiful.

if you made it this far, thank you for reading.

[homenum-revelio-hq]

Welcome to the Order of the Phoenix, Nicky!

You have been accepted for the role of DORCAS MEADOWES! Your application was amazing! I really enjoyed seeing how well thought out this version of Dorcas was in your mind. I can clearly see where she’ll fit in and can’t wait for her to start blowing shit up! The Order needs someone to rock the boat and you’ve brought that through in your application!

Please take a look at the new member checklist and send in your account within 24 hours! Thank you for joining the fight against Voldemort!

OUT OF CHARACTER:

NAME: Nicky

AGE: 30+

TIMEZONE: EST

ACTIVITY LEVEL: Medium, sporadic; I work retail hours which means that my schedule is not consistent between days. I expect to be able to make several replies each week, however, and am available to check-in or chat often. Tuesdays and Thursdays are the only time I’m really out-of-touch for considerable periods on a regular basis although in general I have more free time in the latter half of the week than I do at the beginning – and of course when Winter Holiday Shopping Season rolls around I will be more absent than usual!

ANYTHING ELSE: For experience, I have played in and adminned several roleplays, 90% of them Harry Potter-based, with a little time doing indie rp as well. I mostly only rp on tumblr (I like the visuals!) but I’ve been around for several years now. I tend to be long-winded but value content over quality, and don’t care about “length matching” on replies. I will also basically always post images with my replies because it’s an integral part of the “acting” experience for me, but I have no objection if my interaction partners prefer to go straight-prose in their posts. No triggers, although I would appreciate it if any posts involving the deaths of cats (or kneazles) could be tagged so I can brace myself or skim over them!

CHARACTER DETAILS:

NAME: Dorcas Dembe Meadowes 

(her parents named her Dorcas for grace–it means “gazelle”–and because her father just liked the way it sounded, and Dembe for peace to honor their hopes for the world and her future; while she is hardly clumsy, aside from that there seems to be little of Dorcas’s names in her attitude or personality…especially not of her middle name! So much for the wizarding superstition that a child’s names can be prophetic…)

AGE: 18

GENDER & SEXUALITY: Dorcas is a cis-gender witch who uses she/her pronouns. I haven’t settled 100% on her sexuality (given the time period, I expect she hasn’t either) but I’m leaning heavily toward her being either a lesbian or a bisexual. I plan to start the game with her being somewhat aware of her preferences, but not having sorted it all out yet. While romance is not a priority in terms of plots I’m seeking, I am definitely interested in Dorcas exploring and discovering more about herself and her identity throughout the game. I think she’s definitely someone who would throw herself into the idea of being Out (and damn the consequences – as usual) which may be especially interesting if it serves as a stumbling block for friends or fellow Order members (or potential/current romance partners) who come from a more conservative (muggle?) background and aren’t keen on her flaunting that.

BLOOD STATUS: half-blood

HOUSE ALUMNI: Hufflepuff (certainly never a prefect, although she did fly Reserve on the Quidditch team as a Beater for two years, playing in a total of one match)

ANY CHANGES: None!

CHARACTER BACKGROUND:

PERSONALITY: 

“Brash enough to be a Gryffindor,” is something people say about Dorcas a lot – but only because they’re missing the point of Hufflepuff House, Dorcas insists. Hufflepuffs aren’t dull, mild stick-in-the-muds any more than any other House; they just have that reputation because they have more follow-through. Gryffindors are useless after the initial rush of bravada and adrenaline has worn-off; Ravenclaws are too easily distracted overall; and Slytherins are too quick to jump for the new advantage to see things through. Hufflepuffs, though, Hufflepuffs know how to focus. And while Dorcas might be quick to jump into a fray, she is no quitter. She’ll never admit a cause is lost (even when she should), never give up on anyone or anything…unless they betray her. Dorcas is an open-hearted, amiable, outgoing soul who is quick to offer friendship to others, but she is unforgiving and unshakable in the grudges she holds against those who let her down. Small things she can forgive, of course – she’s no monster and no one is perfect! But true, genuine betrayal? Of person or principle? That, she will not tolerate.

Dorcas herself is not always easy to tolerate either. Stubborn and blunt, she speaks her mind (even when perhaps she ought to keep it to herself) and her skill in tact and tempering is stunted from disuse. She redeems herself somewhat with those who can bear-up under her brusque honesty by being a loyal and helpful friend, but even that is sometimes negated by her devotion to whatever plan or purpose currently dictates her motivation. It’s not that she’s unkind – just something of a bulldozer. When Dorcas Meadowes decides to do something, she sees it through and damn the consequences – whether that be the numerous detentions she served in school, the bruised feelings of friends and foes alike, or the bridges she has (mostly metaphorically) burned behind her, she will not balk or hesitate even if it kills her (and everyone around her). And with the higher stakes at which the Order of the Phoenix operates, it just well might.  

BRIEF OVERVIEW OF FAMILY: 

The only child of Olive Blott and Thewton Meadowes, Dorcas grew-up in a comfortable, secure, sedate, middle-class magical home. Her parents doted without spoiling her and while she never wanted for anything much, she wasn’t the kind of child who was showered with expensive brooms or designer robes – which was just as well, as Dorcas wouldn’t have cared much for those sorts of over-priced trinkets anyway. Like Dorcas, her parents were solid, hard-working Hufflepuffs (they had met in school; although they hadn’t been in the same year to share classes, they shared plenty of time in the common room and cheering for their friends together on the Quidditch pitch) but unlike them, her work-ethic was rather flexible about where it was applied. Maybe that was an innate aspect of Dorcas’s personality, or something she learned from her non-Hufflepuff friends at school…or maybe, something she picked up from her grandmother. Zawedde Meadowes was a firebrand, an iconoclast, and a fighter. She taught her granddaughter not only how to fight, but when to fight. (Dorcas may have learned that lesson a little too well, with none of the accompanying “and when not to fight” counterpart.) It was Grandma Zawe who broke the erstwhile “purity” of the old Meadowes family line when she married into it – but after seven years as a muggle-born student in Slytherin, some disapproving family glares (and hexes) weren’t enough to make her break a sweat. Despite her more conservative son and daughter-in-law’s efforts to temper Zawe’s outspoken attitude and boundless confidence, Dorcas learned a lot from the grandmother who often served as babysitter while mum and dad were working in the bookshop. Olive and Thewton would have much rather their little girl were a little bit meeker and milder. More willing to go with the flow, like they do; to not cause a fuss. But “fuss” is what Dorcas excels at. The older she got, the more she has come to look on her parents with bemused and at times almost condescending affection. How could they be so content with a world that was so unfair? Keeping their heads down might have kept the shop free of controversy, sure, and that kept them profitable and free of the sort of attempted censorship that louder opinions often garnered, but it didn’t do anything to change things. While Zawe doesn’t know the full extent of Dorcas’s activities with the Order of the Phoenix – nor, indeed, does she know for sure exactly what the Order is nor that Dorcas is a member of an illegal vigilante group – she knows that her granddaughter is up to something dangerous and illicit, something that mirrors her own not-so-long-ago-as-all-that battles against Grindewald. Having personal experience with war makes Zawe aware of just how much danger her granddaughter may be in, but it also makes her proud. When she entertained little Dorcas with stories of her wartime activities, she never thought she might be preparing the girl for her own battles – but if that is where the world is now, so be it. Zawe continues to encourage Dorcas just as she always has, whether that be with playing alibi for mum and dad or by offering words of advice and encouragement after a particularly difficult battle or frustrating conversation with the Order’s more stick-in-the-mud members. Dorcas may have learned the value of hard-work from her parents, but she learned the importance of standing her ground from her gran. With those two elements combined, she’s proven herself a true force to be reckoned with – at least when she’s doing something she thinks matters. (Otherwise…well, “lackluster” would be a generous way to describe her effort.)

OCCUPATION:

Dorcas works as a part-time assistant at the family business, Flourish & Blotts, the main bookseller in Diagon Alley. Her parents would be a lot happier about the fact that she’s showing an interest in the family business if she would actually show an interest – but half the time she cuts out of her shifts early, or sprints in late, or calls-off altogether. If she weren’t family, she’d have long ago been fired, but how do you fire the woman who’s going to inherit the place one day? Scolding her doesn’t seem to help; she either shrugs it off or stomps off, claiming she has more important things to do. What can she be up to that’s keeping her so preoccupied?

ROLE WITHIN ORDER/THOUGHTS ABOUT THE ORDER:

As one of the newest – and also one of the most openly passionate – members of the Order, Dorcas ought to be sitting back and following the lead of her elders and proving where she can be most useful. Instead, she’s causing something of a stir with her big mouth, blunt criticism, and insistence on doing things differently. Dorcas wants the Order to be more proactive, even if that means being more violent. She’s not afraid of collateral damage; this is a war, after all! People get hurt in war, and letting things drag-out because you don’t have the conviction to do what needs to be done is only going to get more people hurt in the long run. So far, she hasn’t swayed anyone who matters to her side – not Kingsely, not Moody, not [Alice] Longbottom, and certainly not Dumbledore. But she is riling-up the younger members, which can be both good and bad: it’s hard to make proper plans when a quarter of the room won’t stop shouting, but it’s also hard to sink into morose despair when there’s a wild-haired girl barely out of her Hogwarts robes shouting in your ear about “taking the fight to Voldemort directly, what are we waiting for?” She has become something of a pivot point within the group – not yet carrying enough weight to tip the balance of power or force any major confrontation or schism, but enough to make people think. Enough to make people argue. Enough to stir things up – which is exactly what she wants. Dorcas has no time for complacency; that’s her parents’ stock in trade, not hers. She is so adamant about not waiting around in fact that she has branched-out on her own private “missions” outside Order edict, support, or sanction – which isn’t quite crossing the line, because it’s not as though they’re an army with orders to follow. They’re a group of desperate vigilantes all pitching-in together to stop a great evil…but Dorcas is pitching a little harder than what some people are comfortable being associated with. So far Dumbledore hasn’t said much about Dorcas and her methods one way or the other – but with how preoccupied he’s been with his own secretive efforts, one has to wonder if he’s had time to notice? Worse (or better, depending on your point of view), she’s convinced other junior members to go along with her on her mad, reckless crusades – acts that the Daily Prophet more often than not labels terrorism. They’re too skittish and scared to understand the difference between what she does and what the Death Eaters do, that’s all – them, and all the complacent fools sitting huddled in their houses, waiting for someone else to come and save them. Dorcas thinks that the Order has been coddling these people too much, letting too many wix get away with sitting on the sidelines by not forcing them to take sides – by letting them bury their heads in the sands and pretend that if they ignore the strife all around them, it will go away. She knows better, and she thinks she can force those layabouts to pick up wands and pick a side if she just rubs their noses in it a bit more. If she brings the war to them, they won’t be able to sit back and marinate in their timid apathy; they’ll have to join the fight, because when she’s through there won’t be any sidelines left in which to hide. Voldemort won’t stand a chance then, not once the rest of the magical community finally gets off their arses and admits that some wars need fought. She has no time to wait for the Ministry, they’re a lost cause – and she’s running out of time (or maybe just patience) to wait for the Order either. Dorcas is going to save the world – and if she has to burn down half of it in the process, so be it.

SURVIVAL: Dorcas’s safety net is her family; it always has been. They may not be enough to protect her from herself this time, though – but she hasn’t been involved in the war for long. She’s still living at home but spends more than a few nights each month crashing at the Potter estate, her room at her grandma’s flat, or with someone else in the Order after a mission or a meeting that runs late – or while she’s waiting for her wounds to heal enough to be able to go home without causing too much outcry. Her parents just think she’s “staying with friends,” as youngsters do – and that’s not technically a lie. Even the people in the Order with whom she doesn’t get along are companions in arms, and that’s almost the same thing as friends surely. Whether she’ll be able to maintain her parents’ ignorance for much longer may be a moot point; someone like Dorcas burns so brightly she may well burn out before there’s time for suspicions to raise.

RELATIONSHIPS: 

NOTE: this is all very much first impressions based on bios etc and subject to change when characters are actually claimed and backgrounds plotted; ergo if you see anything in here about your character that doesn’t feel like it “fits” or you have a better idea for or just aren’t in the mood etc – splendid! Any and all of this can be changed, and is just a basis for what I’m going to springboard off to start with until other options can be discussed or developed! In general, Dorcas’s relationships with the rest of the Order are…okay. She’s new, so some of them don’t trust her yet; she’s reckless, so some of them never will. On the other hand, she’s enthusiastic in her commitment, and that’s something of a breath of fresh air amidst a war that’s starting to seem to some to be unwinnable. Definitely she’s a divisive figure – you can’t easily ignore or turn a blind-eye to Dorcas Meadowes, she’s too loud. Too demanding. Too sure that she’s got the right idea to win this war. That doesn’t mean everyone (or even a majority) agree with her methods, and that can make her easy to dislike – or resent. If she’s so willing to accept collateral damage, then how could the Order continue to hold its head up in moral superiority to their opponents? But what if she is right, and only more extreme methods will win the day? Doesn’t that mean the rest of the Order are failures…or cowards? For some people in the Order, it’s easy to say that Dorcas is wrong (or right), requiring only a simple gut-check to know. For others, the question she forces is much more uncomfortable to confront. For many, that makes Dorcas an uncomfortable person to be around – or someone who causes their temper to snap faster than even she maybe deserves, lashing-out at her rather than facing their uncertainty about themselves. She’s a catalyst, and those are not always well-liked by the people thus catalyzed. As for Dorcas’s feeling about some fellow Order members in specific… James Potter. Everything she knew about James before she joined the Order was that he was a bold, reckless, slightly-wild wizard who never passed-up the opportunity for a prank or a laugh or a spot of danger. He was supposed to be some kind of “golden boy” idol for fun-loving troublemakers. So she expected something…more. What she found was someone far too meek, far too reliable, far too tame. What happened? Was his reputation always a bunch of hot air, or has he just lost the will to fight? Regardless, Dorcas is disappointed – but maybe he’s salvageable. Sometimes she thinks she can see a spark in his eye when she’s outlining a scheme; sometimes she thinks if she can push his temper far enough over the edge maybe he’ll snap out of this funk and get back to the person he should be. Maybe he’ll stop letting Moody and Kingsley and Lily Evans hold him back and he’ll actually get off his butt and do something! Caradoc Dearborn. The man’s a bit of a stick-in-the-mud, sure, but he’s a reliable stick-in-the-mud. (If they had more Hufflepuffs in the Order, they wouldn’t all be sitting on their hands like this!) And no coward either – just too cautious for Dorcas’s tastes. She thinks she can fix that, though. He just needs more of her influence and less of Moody’s and Shacklebolt’s sense of caution. Needs to push himself out of their shadow and back into the proper fight. Dorcas is convinced that’s where he wants to be, too – she just needs to show him how to get there. Shouldn’t be too hard. (If some Death Eater had murdered her mother…!) And once he does, he won’t suffer from the sort of second thoughts and backtracking that plague so many of their fellows and keep the Order locked in this endless cycle of act-regret-act-retreat; Hufflepuffs get things done. She won’t deny that it’s nice to have a “familiar” face in the Order too – even if he’s too old to have actually shared time at Hogwarts with Dorcas, they both come from the cozy Hufflepuff cellars and the dedicated Hufflepuff work ethic and that’s pleasantly familiar; just talking to Caradoc for a little can be a balm to her otherwise jangling nerves or anxious energy. Emma Vanity. If Dorcas has a best friend in the Order, it’s got to be Emma. Which is odd, maybe, because Emma Vanity is not the sort of person one would expect someone like Dorcas to be friends with (or the other way around!) but here they are! They came into the Order together, and so far Emma’s seemed happy to stick at her side through thick-and-thin (and through older, more cautious Order members lecturing them both into behaving more – as if anyone ought to “behave” during a war!) and Dorcas is both glad and grateful. She acts like she doesn’t care if no one likes her – but it’s nice having a friend who always does. Emma’s refined and delicate high-society manners don’t even get on Dorcas’s nerves the way such things do with most people…maybe because with Emma they seem natural rather than forced, or maybe it’s because Emma is always so quick to follow Dorcas’s lead without acting like she’s lowering herself. Maybe it’s just because Emma’s pretty manners remind Dorcas of her late great-aunt – the one “old school” Meadowes who actually got along with Dorcas’s muggle-born grandmother, and who was always the nicest part of family gatherings for Dorcas. Emma has more gumption than people give her credit for, too – even if she does have to pushed into it, most of the time. Good thing Dorcas doesn’t mind doing a little bit of pushing. Benjy Fenwick. Him losing his Quidditch career like that was a waste – Dorcas saw him on the pitch enough in school to know that – but the sport’s loss was the Order’s (and her) gain, so she can’t be too sad about it (even though she tries to make sure she acts like she is, if the subject ever comes up; her focus might be a little narrow but she’s not mean!). She feels a little protective – no, a little proprietary toward him, too. After all, she was the one who knew he’d be a great fit for the Order; she was the one who knew he’d be of great use to the Order. (It’s not all running into battle and sprinting away from arrest; there are so many other skills that matter just as much!) The one who knew he was looking for somewhere to belong and was clever enough to offer that. That means he’s “on her side” – regardless of his thoughts on the matter, maybe! It’s not like she’s taking advantage of him, either; she’s just doing what’s best. For everyone. Including Benjy! He’s happier now than he was when he was just sitting around moping, right? So well done, Dorcas! And if that means she has access to a semi-professional Healer who won’t ask questions or go tattling to Moody or Kingsley or Dumbledore if she and a few mates come in all banged-up right after someone’s set-off an explosion in Knockturn Alley or started a fire at some pure-blood estate…well, that’s just a nice side benefit, really. Sirius Black. Dorcas doesn’t trust him. He can be a lot of fun, and can even be a lot of use – but if there’s a candidate for “most likely traitor” it’s Sirius Orion Black. Something about him just rubs Dorcas the wrong way (maybe it’s the fact that she doesn’t like the parts of him she does like; maybe it’s just knowing how his relatives treated her relatives once upon a time – but Dorcas doesn’t believe in inherited guilt any more than she believes in inherited purity so it can’t be that!) so even though he’s one of the few in the Order who really seems to get what she’s pushing for, who really seems to be on board…there’s a little nugget of suspicion. He just seems to be trying too hard all the time – as though his rebellion against his family were pure performance. The fact that he “broke it off” with the Blacks too early to be able to give the Order any real information about his family’s (very very likely) support of Voldemort is awfully convenient. The fact that his “disreputable best friends” are two half-bloods and a pure-blood rather than, say, any muggle-borns or anything really objectionable is awfully convenient too. Almost like the sort of friends someone who believed in blood-purity but wanted to pretend they didn’t would acquire. (He seems to respect James – the pure-blood – the most, too. How convenient.) He even inherited a nice convenient little chunk of money from some uncle, didn’t he? Almost like his family wanted to make sure that he had enough to live on while he was “cut off” from their fortunes… Oh yes, there are a lot of things about Sirius Black’s story that are just a little bit too convenient for Dorcas to easily swallow. A lot of things that would make him the perfect spy for the people who share his surname…and the person a lot of them are almost certainly working for. The fact that there’s never been any proof just shows that Sirius is more subtle than he lets on, that’s all – unless he isn’t the spy. (But if not, who is?) Dorcas isn’t sure – and she isn’t one to turn down a gift horse just because she thinks it might bite her fingers off. As long as Sirius wants to help her plot some mayhem, she’ll take that help and even enjoy herself along the way – and she certainly isn’t going to say anything to undercut the support he sometimes offers her when a big argument gets going about how proactive (or not) the Order should be. But she’s going to keep an eye on him, anyway…someone should.

OOC EXPLORATION:

SHIPS/ANTI-SHIPS: 

I have no ships in mind for Dorcas. Speaking generally, I think she is likely to be the kind of person who tumbles passionately into and out of love, and for the most part the “cause” comes first and “happily ever after” is for quitters – or at least, that’s the outlook on which she will insist both to herself and to others; her heart may disagree however, and Dorcas is not one to be ruled by common sense or cold logic, which could potentially place her in interesting circumstances. For individual characters, I’m keen to bounce Dorcas off of both those who agree and disagree with her – and regardless of whether they end up sporting romantic inclinations toward one another or not, I’m particularly interested to explore her relationship with Emma Vanity. Also her relationship with James Potter, but I’m definitely not seeing any potential for romance there! XD

WHAT PRIVILEGES AND BIASES DOES YOUR CHARACTER HAVE? 

One might think that having a Muggle-born grandmother she so adores and looks up to would leave Dorcas free of any traces of blood-prejudice – but one would be wrong, because Dorcas did still grow-up in the magical world and it is far, far too easy to internalize the prevailing attitudes of one’s society even when one ought to know better. Oh, she’s no blood-supremacist – but has she ever looked at a talented Muggle-born with shock at their skills because she expected less of someone with Muggle parents? Of course she has. Part of that comes from her own grandmother’s stories, even: knowing how hard Zawe had to work to keep up with housemates who knew so much more than she did about everything when she started at Hogwarts, Dorcas knows that Muggle-borns are starting-out a little behind the rest of the class…and when you “know” that and grow-up surrounded by a society that’s all-too-quick to assume anyone of Muggle origins is “less than” everybody else? It’s all-too-easy to fall into the same lower expectations…even when you tell yourself it’s just “more impressive” coming from someone like that. The fact that Dorcas doesn’t believe herself to have any sort of anti-Muggle-born prejudice really only makes it worse, because if confronted about it she’d only get defensive and argue the point – she isn’t, she can’t be. Don’t be silly. She’d never! She also shares most of the same other base prejudices common to magical society: werewolves are unclean and dangerous, giants are stupid and violent, goblins are greedy and unstrustworthy… All the “classic” prejudices that become so ingrained in society that it can be hard to even notice them until you know they’re there. Being a half-blood with such close Muggle-roots means thar Dorcas herself falls on the middling-low end of the privilege/prejudice ladder, which gives her just enough social stigma that she can sit back and blithely convince herself that she isn’t prejudiced while still giving her enough of a privileged position to make her life comfortable. No, she’s not some pure-blooded toff with connections stretching back halfway to Merlin who can wink-and-nod their way out of an altercation with the law…but she does fall well within the borders of Ordinary Citizen, nothing too fishy or objectionable about her to make somebody look twice or doubt her word. Plus she’s got the convenience of a recognizable and respected family to fall back on when she trouble comes calling – particularly in the form of the M.L.E.P., who are usually inclined to cut her some extra slack. (“Her parents run Flourish & Blotts, after all, my kids got their schoolbooks there! Go ahead and let the lass off with a warning there John, she’s just blowing-off steam, you know how kids are! No harm done…”) Her time with the Order is just enough for Dorcas to begin noticing this – which is both uncomfortable for her to have to own-up to in her own mind, and convenient for a woman with an agenda like hers. Knowing she can get away with a little bit more than she ought to is going to come very much in handy for dear Dorcas…even if the concept sticks in her craw.

WHAT ARE YOU MOST LOOKING FORWARD TO? 

I am honestly just so excited to get to explore the imperfections and prejudices within the Order; too often fandom makes 99% of the characters in HP so black-and-white in terms of good-vs-evil when most of them aren’t. Sure, there are extreme end-of-the-spectrum characters like Voldemort and Bella and Umbridge who are pretty much Pure Evil (and the occasional opposite end like the hardly-flawless-but-wholly-good-hearted Luna Lovegood) but for the most part, the people in this story are just people. (All that “both light and dark inside us” blah blah blah stuff.) But when you only focus on the Good Guys vs Bad Guys – particularly when the cause the bad guys are fighting for is so bad – it’s easy to gloss-over the flaws in the people fighting against them; easy to forget that they aren’t always great too. Easy to forget that just because you’re fighting against a group of people trying to enshrine prejudice as near-holy writ in their society doesn’t mean that you’re automatically free of prejudice yourself. (Maybe some of the people in the Order are there because they oppose blood-supremacy, but does that mean they like werewolves? Doubt it! Or what about the ones who come from Muggle roots who thus have Muggle prejudices that the wizarding world has little of – racism, for starters! What about queerness? Is it more tolerated in a magical society where people can change genders as easily as they transfigure themselves into rabbits and armchairs, and where marriage has always been about preserving the family line more than romance so who cares what the gender of your “bit on the side” is as long as you produce a proper heir? Etc. What about religion? I doubt too many wix go in for Muggle religions, when so many of those belief systems take the tactic of “thou shalt not suffer a witch to live!” so how does that conflict play-out between those who grew-up with one foot in the magical world and one in the Muggle? So many options for turmoil!) Just because someone is paying enough attention to know that Voldemort is evil doesn’t even mean that they don’t share some of the same ideals being spouted by the Death Eaters – maybe unconsciously, maybe to a lesser degree, etc…but still there, in their head. Internalized. Needing to be unpacked, confronted – but fandom does so little of that. Good Guys are Good, End of Story. The Order were all friends who got along, la la la! Nope. Don’t think so. The Order was made up of a bunch of scared, desperate, angry, beleaguered people (several of them outcasts in their own way) fighting life-and-death battles against an enemy they couldn’t always even find, opposing their own government in many ways in order to “do the right thing” – fighting a war that half the populace would rather just went away. Even if they had all started as buddies, that would have been enough strain to crumble half their friendships by the end – and conversely, to forge people who otherwise have nothing in common into lifelong mates. The interpersonal relationships and inevitable clashes and arguments and confrontations – those are going to be awesome. I’m so excited.

ROULETTE IDEAS (OPTIONAL): 

Firstly let me just say that I am happy to offer Dorcas up for any plotting purposes needed – whether that be her little group doing something destructive or illegal, a line that shouldn’t have been crossed, an injury or death that can be blamed on her directly or indirectly, kidnapping (with temporary hostage-plotting of Dorcas; I can sit out a bit no worries!) and rescue mission, whatever! Even if it’s not a plot drop about her, feel free to make use of Dorcas in any sort of inciting incident required; I’m not possessive! As for specific ideas… -Epidemic: because disease doesn’t seem to be something the magical community has to really deal with much (got a cold? Take a Pepper-Up Potion and it’ll go away in an hour!), not the way Muggles do, so I think it would be interesting to have a sudden outbreak of something (something Muggle or something magical?) run rampant through Wizarding England, particularly right now mid-war. (Perhaps rumors will fly that it’s deliberate – but from which side? And engaging in biological warfare in magical war, really??? Are we Muggle barbarians now??) Something strange and uncommon for them to deal with…something that will drive people in to St. Mungo’s in larger-than-usual droves and leave the potioneers and herbologists working overtime and meanwhile there’s a bloody war on we’re busy enough already do you mind? -Someone Gets Bit: either there’s a second werewolf in the Order now (has Remus been exposed yet? Guess it’s his responsibility to play Lycanthropic Yoda – or if he’s still closeted, time for a Guilt Waterfall deciding whether or not to out himself and help out! uh-oh!) or it’s a Bill Weasley/Lavender Brown situation where the offending werewolf wasn’t transformed but oh no lycanthropic taint now what? and general panicking with a heavy side-helping of bigotry whoops! Maybe the Death Eaters get wind of the fact that the Order has a Pet Werewolf, so they sic their own (not so) tame puppy on them with an ambush by Fenrir Greyback and his buddies…or they could decide to fuck with the Order by using Transfiguration to fake a werewolf pack attack, and everyone panics over the bites that are actually harmless but too late to take back anything they said or did when they figure it out whoops – basically just the Death Eaters pulling a nasty prank (because the Marauders aren’t the only immature asshole wix out there lol) but also has the potential “side benefit” of the Order risking exposure by going to St. Mungo’s to get treatment etc….idk this one sounded better in my head before I started detailing it, but I’m sharing it anyway in case it triggers a better idea with someone else! XD -Fake Defection: probably making use of a temporary secondary character, or as a potential idea for someone who wants to join the game only for a few weeks (due to scheduling issues or attention span or whatever) and then write their character out: a Death Eater makes contact with someone in the Order and wants to defect! Everyone is equal parts excited/suspicious! They are brought-in for debriefing and discussion! Things seem to be on the up-and-up…but they aren’t, it’s all a ploy by Voldemort and not a real defection at all but an attempt to worm a spy into the Order or at least sow distrust oh no! They make leading comments and sly little observations that has the Order distrusting each other as much as the supposed defector (who is the spy within the Order???) and eventually blows their cover either with a fight or by ratting-out some of their plans to the Death Eaters leading to an ambush etc etc…but in the meantime? At least one or two Order members thought they’d made a friend (and maybe they really had! but the Death Eater’s loyalty trumps their affection!) and that hurts. (Alt: if the player ends up falling in love with the character and wants to keep them, throw in a twist where the DE in question initially came in as a double-agent for Voldemort but then ends up falling for their new friends and even questioning their own prejudices as a result of direct exposure to the people they used to think weren’t people and now they have to work-out how to really switch sides without burning their bridges with the people who thought they’d already switched sides, whoops!) -Burning the Books: trouble at Flourish & Blotts! Maybe something nasty follows Dorcas home one day; maybe someone in the Death Eaters just gets offended at some of the product being stocked and Dorcas’s parents ignored the threatening letters and hints (because who would actually do any of those things? They’re just selling books! This is a civilized society!) so the Death Eaters decided to make a bigger gesture. Maybe it wasn’t even the Death Eaters themselves, but someone who was inspired by the current social strife and decided to act on their own agenda of hate for from arson-style censorship. How unsettled would Dorcas be to discover her safe-haven was a target now? Would it hit home hard enough to make her question her own policy of “collateral damage is inevitable, stop fussing!” that she’s been pushing? Would it inspire her dial-back her more extreme efforts – or only make her embrace them harder, because if even home isn’t safe anymore than all bets are off! Maybe it’s even all out of her hands by then; maybe it would be a wake-up-call to respect the rules of engagement more but it’s too late, her agenda has a life of its own and she can’t stop it now…so better run and keep up before you get run over? Or plant your feet and try to make a stand, even if you’re standing against what you used to advocate?

ANYTHING ELSE? nothing!

[writerly-ramblings]

Thoughts on “The Penderwicks at Last”

All right, there’s been enough interest from the (so sadly tiny) group of Penderwicks readers on here, so here are my semi-coherent thoughts on the last book, At Last, because, as previously stated, I have Thoughts. Spoilers ahead for all the entire series.

I’m going to start by saying that I am not the intended audience for these books: I’m in my twenties. That being said, I’ve waited over a decade for The Penderwicks At Last, and I reread the entire series to prepare. I read the last one in a few hours, and ugly cried through the second half.

Fair warning: my parenthetical comments waged a territorial battle and won.

PROS:

Everyone gets a happy ending. I think, over time, I’ll feel less conflicted about At Last because, in the end, everyone is happy, and does it matter how they got there?

Skye, particularly, is so much happier. The events of the fourth book clearly had an impact, and Lydia has grown up with a much less fearful, hurting, angry, or traumatized Skye.

Batty’s memories of Arundel being mostly patched together from stories her family has told felt incredibly realistic to me, and I enjoyed watching her rediscover the estate.

Ben is great, and I’ve always loved the Penderwick children’s dedication to their chosen obsessions/careers, so I’m glad he’s got that. I also loved when he told Jeffrey he’d marry him, but not if he was broke. (The humor in these books!)

Rafael is still around. We don’t see him, but we know he’s still friends with Ben. Other Penderwick friends have fallen off the map between different books (Anna, Keiko, Molly, Mercedes), and it was good to see someone stick around.

I liked Wesley. He felt like a red-herring (I can’t be the only one who was desperately hoping Batty was going to decide she wanted to be with him after all), but he was a delightful character. He’s kind to Lydia and Alice, makes himself helpful around the house/with wedding prep, loves Hitch, and respects Batty’s boundaries. He’s a good person. And the mobiles!

Cagney’s family is adorable. And Skye teasing Rosalind about her childhood crush on Cagney is a dead-on sister thing to do.

Mr. Penderwick and Iantha are still very much in love, and still very much adorable and loving parents.

“Jeffrey, no one wants to marry you!” (Okay, this is was a laugh-or-you’ll-cry moment, but I did laugh!)

Also in the bittersweet category would be Mrs. Tifton’s talk with Jane in the carriage-house. We won’t talk about the fact that I really, really wanted Mrs. Tifton to be right. What we will talk about is Jane rage-sewing, being a good older sister, holding it together, and refusing to sully her honor (I love that Jane has maintained her bizarre approach to honor that includes even hypotheticals). Thinking about it, this scene mirrors the one with Skye and Mrs. Tifton in the first book (with Lydia standing in for Batty here), and I like that touch.

CONS:

A lot of the issues I had with At Last are really my own problems, not shortcomings in the book. One instance of that is how I felt about Lydia as a narrator. The first four books mature in tone as they go along, due to the seriousness of the issues facing the characters, making them compelling reading for someone older than the intended audience. I liked Lydia, but she felt much less mature than her sisters at similar ages, and wasn’t facing comparable difficulties. And she wasn’t nearly so interested, or involved, in her sisters’ lives as I would have liked. (Which is understandable, given the age gap, but frustrating as a reader who cares mainly about Rosalind, Skye, Jane, and Batty.)

Technology is weirdly handled? I’ve always liked the timeless quality of the previous books, and all the texting and general cell phone use threw me. (And, really, how many eleven-year-olds have access to cell phones and use them exclusively to text their brothers?)

Jane gave me a kind of dispirited, hollow feeling. She’s twenty-five and still hasn’t sat down and written a full novel. She has two abandoned books and one in the planning stages. I don’t mean I wanted her to be published, but it felt very flighty, especially for someone who’s been serious about writing since she was younger than ten. (I kind of wanted more of Jane in general, actually. How was college? How is she managing to keep a waitressing job she’s terrible at, and why wouldn’t she work in, I don’t know, a bookstore or library instead?)

This leads into my next, larger but vaguer upset: Everyone’s happy, but I was still dissatisfied. I know that most of the time life isn’t glamorous, but aside from Skye, the other sisters don’t seem to have done much? Rosalind has taken fifteen years to marry Tommy, Jane hasn’t finished even a draft of a novel, and it seems like Batty’s going to graduate college and start a music school in western MA (which is fine, but also, where are her years touring in Europe and her own career in music?). I don’t know. I think I just wanted to believe, for 256 pages, that adult life could be more exciting and adventurous, and live up to childhood expectations.

Honestly, I like Lydia, but she’s not why I wanted to read At Last. This goes back to me not being the target audience, but it’s the older four I care about, and I felt like frustratingly little was said about them. And I’ve read interviews with Jeanne Birdsall, where she talks about this book being the point she was writing toward, and I’m just having trouble wrapping my mind around the idea that, if this was the endgame, middle-grade novels were the best format for the story. (Am I biased here? Definitely. Did I love these books as a child and teenager? Without a doubt. Would I, right now, prefer to have read a literary fiction novel where the older sisters’ adult lives were given as much weight as their childhoods? I’d be all over that. Again, I acknowledge this as my own bias, not a shortcoming with the book.)

SKYE:

(Because, let’s be honest, this is where I fell apart.)

I’m so, so happy Skye is working on her doctorate. As someone else who didn’t want to date at seventeen because I wanted to “soak up the universe,” I appreciate the fact that she’s out there, doing just that. But it also made me so sad. Because her family loves her, so they put her on speaker phone during important family meetings, and they miss her when she’s gone, and Lydia doesn’t know her, as a person, the way her other sisters and Ben (sort of) do. And this is very much tied to my own life, as I look at likely moving to a different country, leaving behind parents I love and a whole host of younger siblings.

So I’m glad she has the life she spent her whole childhood wanting, but I also wish we’d gotten to see more of how she grew, and healed, and changed post-In Spring. Because the Skye we see in At Last isn’t the Skye from the other books, and that’s good, it means she’s less hurt (and also almost ten years older), but it also means I didn’t feel like I knew much about her anymore.

I have almost no thoughts on Dušek and agree with the opinion other people have voiced that he seemed to be there mostly to squash all doubt about Jeffrey. He seemed sweet, but I didn’t know, or care about, him. (And I think the lack of Skye contributed to this: I didn’t know her, so I didn’t feel invested in him.)

THAT ROMANCE:

I feel like noting that I’ve read Little Women more times than I can count, and I willfully ignored not only that, but also the blatant Penderwick-universe foreshadowing (like Batty saying Jeffrey could marry her, after he saves her from the bull all the way back in the first book). Because Birdsall did deviate from Little Women in other, large ways, for example: none of the sisters die. Did I suspect Jeffrey would end up with Batty? Yes. Did I fervently hope that he’d actually end up with Skye? Also yes. Does it make me seem incredibly shallow that this is what occupied a great deal of my brain for twelve years? Probably.

It’s worth pointing out that I’m a sucker for childhood friends who fall in love and get married (Anne and Gilbert, Meg and Calvin, Ella and Char, Miri and Peder, don’t get me started on FMA … I’ll cop to having a problem), but also that I’ve never been bothered by Laurie and Amy. They make sense together, and Jo’s opposition to Laurie is based on legitimate concerns that just don’t exist for Skye and Jeffrey, thanks both to the fact that they live in the twenty-first century, and that Jeffrey doesn’t have Laurie’s hot-headed argumentative steak, stubbornness, or laziness.

And it’s not necessarily that I think Batty and Jeffrey wouldn’t be good together (other than the fact that, unlike Skye, Batty did, at least while younger, consider him not an “honorary Penderwick” but an “honorary brother”), but we never get an explanation for how Jeffrey feels about Skye now, or how/when he got over her (because, when you think about it, that must have been a Process. According to Jane, circa In Spring, Jeffrey’s been in some form of adoration/love with Skye since a few weeks before he turned eleven, and at least until he was eighteen, which is seven years. He’s twenty-five in At Last, which means, in the span of time the series covers, he’s spent just as much time in love with Skye as not. And seven years is a long time - more than a quarter of his life. And that’s a conservative estimate, since the last we hear of this is that he and Skye fight about this at his graduation, but that likely wasn’t the exact moment he fell out of love with her. And the jump from Skye to Batty is more difficult to swallow, given all of this, than Jeffrey going on to marry a non-Penderwick. Though, to Jeffrey’s credit, it’s heavily implied he’s going to marry Batty, but this is conveyed strictly through Jane; he’s not out there himself, desperately trying to win nineteen-year-old Batty’s affection in order to replace her sister).

Mostly, while reading, I felt misled, because if there was creeping Batty/Jeffrey foreshadowing, the Skye/Jeffrey foreshadowing was burst-into-your-music-room-and-tell-you-off strong. Jeffrey asks Skye if she ever thinks about them getting married all the way back in the third book. And Skye never shows similar inclinations toward romance, but the whole plot of In Spring makes it seem like this is due to being traumatized by the circumstances of her mother’s death. She isn’t interested in romance as a teenager, but she does love Jeffrey as a friend, and since the purpose of the events of In Spring is to make her less terrified of relationships, and because it’s Jeffrey she originally opens up to about this, there’s a lot, thematically, implied here. (I feel like the argument at Jeffrey’s graduation is maybe meant to show that she’s never going to be interested, but given both that she states that she wants to prioritize college over romance, and that the fight happens off-stage and is only summarized, this isn’t really clear.)

I do feel like this is where Little Women has the advantage: Jo doesn’t love Laurie, and she also has practical reasons why marriage wouldn’t work for them. We never see that from Skye. We see her afraid of love, and fighting with external factors, but we never actually see her not loving Jeffrey for reasons that are related to him.

So I think my main issue here is that their relationship felt very unresolved. Are they even still good friends? And why was it necessary for Jeffrey to fall in love with her in the first place? The fraught conversation in In Spring could just as easily have been Jeffrey or Jane pressing Skye about why she wouldn’t date Pearson.

(Skye and Jeffrey are previously so earnest, and At Last feels like the death of a friendship. Not in a final, we’ll-never-speak-again way, but in a quieter way that makes me think they haven’t really been close since Skye left for college, and that just makes me sad. Where are my “Friends forever” as sworn by the Penderwick Family Honor? Because, yes, yes, everyone grows up, but I didn’t want them to grow apart.)

IN CONCLUSION:

Has anyone actually made it this far down? Was a dissertation called for? Am I a little obsessive/ridiculous/insane?

What might not have come across, but what I do strongly feel, is that At Last is a good read. Lydia’s likable, the return to Arundel is well done, there are a lot of sweet, funny scenes. And none of my criticism really is to do with the material. My disappointment stems almost completely from my own expectations. Will I go on to reread the first four books and then pretend I’ve misplaced the fifth (while imagining it’s told from Rosalind, Skye, Jane, and Batty’s perspectives; and, possibly, that it has a different ending)? Who knows. Maybe, once I’ve sat with the fifth book for a bit longer I’ll like it more. Maybe it doesn’t matter. Maybe those twelve years when I speculated about what would happen in At Last, that decade that the characters kept me company, matters more than whether or not I liked the end.

[thewestmeetingroom]

TWMR Ep 49 Deconstructing Shame

Lisa  

Hello and welcome to The West Meeting Room.

 Janine  

We are broadcasting on CIUT 89.5 FM at Hart House hosted by Janine

 Lisa  

and Lisa and for this week's episode, we sit down for a roundtable discussion with our special guest Sarah Zaman to discuss deconstructing shame.

 Janine  

We each spoke about our own unique connection to the topic.

 Lisa  

We also talk about experiencing shame and how to deal with it in the moment, as well as how to overcome its long term effects.

 Janine  

We hope some of these discussions bring you relief, comfort, or just a knowledge that you are not alone in experiencing this even though shame can often feel isolating. Enjoy this week's episode of The West Meeting Room. To start, I'm going to introduce myself. My name is Janine. I'm a fourth year student at the University of Toronto studying political science and diaspora and transnational studies. This is my last semester, I have grown up my entire life in Jordan. And growing up in a Middle Eastern home. I think I saw shame as something that took over my life. And something that I felt was pervasive in different aspects of me, my goals. And it's something that I'm slowly unlearning today. Lisa, would you like to introduce yourself to everyone now?

 Lisa  

Hello, my name is Lisa. I'm a third year commerce student undergraduate commerce student with a minor in cinema studies. For me, the topic of shame is one that really sort of difficult to conceptualize and talk about, because I feel like it's very pervasive in many aspects of society. Both from my background as a coming from a Nigerian household, but also in North American society. I think shame. Shame is just a thing in a lot of societies. And it's sort of difficult to identify, how to identify when you're experiencing shame, and how it affects you. But I'm working on learning more about that and trying to, I guess, as Janine said, unlearn it. So pass this to Sarah.

 Sarah B. Zaman  

Hello, my name is Sarah or Sarah, I don't mind either. I am a third year student at the University of Toronto, currently completing my undergraduate degree in global health, political science and human geography a mouthful to say. But I'm excited to be here, I just want to say that a little bit about myself in terms of my background kind of growing up and how that relates to shame. I grew up as a first generation South Asian, person, child person, however you want to call it. And my so my parents immigrated to Canada, and we lived in the states for a bit, but mostly Canada. When I was about one years old, I was born in New York. And so growing up, I think, in terms of shame, there's a really big contrast and dichotomy between how my parents handle shame and deal with shame and like more traditional sense, and the way that they dealt with it growing up in a place like Bangladesh, that's like very conservative, they're very traditional. Whereas here, I obviously understand shame a little bit differently because of the Western ideals and Western understandings behind shame. And how kind of I dealt with that. Versus like, what like my friends, my Western friends say how to deal about shame and how they talked about it, versus how my parents taught me about shame and how I react to shame differently in the household and outside of it.

 Janine  

I'm really excited to jump right in. Um, so I think that I just want to kind of ask you both, where the understanding of shame was shaped in your life. Um, let's start with an early memory that you had where you felt you felt that intense feeling that visceral experience of shame, but didn't have the word to describe it. Maybe it could be as a child, maybe when you're older. Maybe it could mean have to do with understandings of femininity, or culture or religion or could be as simple as you know, when we're young, we're told to sit a certain way or act a certain way because other people will talk. So I would love to hear more about you know, What's the earliest memory of shame as for you both,

 Lisa  

Um, it's hard for me to pinpoint a single memory that I would call my earliest memory of shame. I just remember being younger, and I never wanted to sort of disappoint my mom, like, I'd never wanted her just sort of, I don't know if this happens to other people, or I don't know. But you know, when you do something, and your parents give you that look at it, you feel like the smallest, like thing, you just feel like you're like, the scum of the earth. But like worse, I never wanted to receive that look. Because it made me feel horrible about myself. And so I just remember, in general, just sort of tiptoeing around lots of things in my life, just so that I would never have to feel the shame associated with that look from my mom. But when I was younger, I didn't have the words for it, I didn't know that it was shame, I just knew that I didn't want to feel that way.

 Janine  

It's funny that you see disappointment, because that seems to be a theme in my life as well. I think just hearing you talk about it, Lisa just reminded me of, you know, growing up, even as a child, for for me growing up, it was a lot of extended family. So the concept of disappointment was not only limited to my household, it was limited to like, at least five or six other households of people that raised me really, and I think that, um, I always felt like there was, you know, something that I had to uphold, in order to earn my way into the family or to stay in the family. What I mean by that is not that I was told I wasn't good enough, but that societal fear of you know, my family is my honor, my family is my everything I want to you know, earn my status and view or I want to be the perfect daughter, the perfect sister to people, the perfect woman to other people. And this became a theme growing up, I feel like after the age of maybe six or seven when I was seeing when I left that like toddler childhood, almost phase and it seems young, but you know, when you're a child going from seven to 10, to 12 to 14, you go through so many changes. And there are so many things that I felt, you know, visceral feelings of embarrassment, feelings in my gut, just oh my god, you know, I have gained weight. What will this person think of me and my family? Oh, my God, my clothes were not properly ironed I am, you know that I'm a disgrace. In some ways, people will think I'm not neat, or my family is not neat. I could see small experiences that now as an adult, I'm like, Wow, it makes sense. You know, like, I understand it. So everything you said, Lisa, particularly with my parents, I mean, what you said about your mom, I feel with my dad as well, of like, my dad had very specific standards for his children in the best of ways, you know, the way that we are to, you know, take care of ourselves, and how that reflects on to others is very important. So, I definitely feel that, that sometimes it's subconscious, even from parents.

 Sarah B. Zaman  

I think it's really interesting that both of you brought up shame and kind of a larger sense how it kind of impacts the entire your entire family, whether that's extended people you live with, or just your immediate family, I actually had a pretty different experience with shame, I think in a familial sense. I think growing up, I was kind of taught, and maybe it's because my mother, like, God bless the woman. She's great. I love her. She's my mom. But I think there will there were a lot of moments growing up where it was just safer, quote, unquote, for us to kind of repress emotions versus express them. So I think this idea of shame, it was something that growing up I was taught, like, you have to deal with that yourself. Like, if you feel ashamed for something like that's, for lack of better words, that's a you problem. And you like that shame only applies to you and you need to find a way to fix that shame and not let it impact the way you see like it's almost as if, when I think about all this familiar pressures, which I definitely felt, of course, I feel like very common thing to feel. I think daughters also particularly particularly have different forms of pressures for various numbers of reasons. But I think when I think about the whole idea of like shame and a familial sense and those pressures. For me, when I think of that the first thing that comes to my mind is kind of what happens before it reaches other people. And so if, for example, Janine was saying, oh, like, your clothes are neat, your room isn't me, like, You don't look proper. It's almost as if that were to happen, I would be forced to deal with it. And before I was allowed to, like, be open about it. So when I think of it in that way, it's very much like, it was a battle within myself, that I needed to figure I need to deal with it before other people could say anything about it, if that makes sense.

 Janine  

Wow. I just want to say that you just encapsulated so much what I thought about, like, just growing up with like, it's a me problem. That's, that's so true. It was, you feel it,you internalize it, as you know, something that you are dealing with, and something that is inherently your fault. And even when you don't understand the concept of responsibility, you understand the concept of, you know, quote, unquote, being proper, you know, what will people think being a good person, understanding that there are certain protocols to follow? You know, even when I would sit on the dinner table, I remember very clearly, there's a certain way to eat, there's a certain way to do things, and there's certain way to exist almost. So Lisa, I'm really curious with you as well. Did you also feel that sense as a child of it's a me problem? Or did you think of it as everyone else's, you know, problem, or it was other people targeting you?

 Lisa  

Um, yeah, that's a very interesting way to look at it. But it's a me problem. I think the answers for me is yes, and no. Um, because when I think of shame, from a familial point of view, I spent a lot of time thinking that it was a me problem. I remember distinctly, one time something had happened. I had, like, gotten into an argument with my mom. And I went to school the next day, and I said to my friends, I was like, do you think I have dysfunctional thinking, because that had been something that had been like a phrase that had been thrown at me in the conversation. And I felt like I fully internalize that, and I fully thought that it was like, I was just not thinking straight, and like, there was something wrong with me. And so when you talk about, Sarah, when you talk about like, having to deal with it before it gets out, for me that that's like a very visceral feeling of like, when something happens, or when I feel that way, I'm like, I need to fix this thing that I did that caused me to feel the shame before it becomes like a bigger deal bigger deal than it already is. But on the flip side, I feel like okay, this is gonna sound so wack. But, as a child, I watch a lot of Barbie movies, and I read a lot of books, and I'm gonna make the connection. But the connection was a lot of Barbie movies are about like, believing in yourself, trusting yourself. And a lot of the books that I read were around those similar themes. So as much as I felt the difficulty of internalizing shame, and blaming myself, on the other hand, I also had like Barbie in my ear telling me that I have to love myself and that it's okay to be me. So it was always like this fight within myself of like, do I like allow myself to internalize the shame and feel like it's a me problem? Or do I fight back and say, No, it's not a me problem. It's a you problem. And I feel like even to this day, I still kind of ride that fine line of like, now it's no longer a Barbie. It's more like other like, people that I meet in life or YouTubers that I watch, but I still have that struggle of like, when like, Is it me? Or is it them?

 Janine  

Wow. For me, it was Bratz. But yeah, similar. No, I never thought of it that way actually, that the the idols you have growing up or the movies you watch and things thatyou,  you know, immerse yourself and really make a difference growing up. Because for me when I would watch those movies, it would feel less I should believe in myself and more of why am I not that? You know, why am I not them? I don't look like that. I don't talk like that. It seems like you definitely feel like the sell this to children as like this perfect life of, you know, this woman like it's like, you know, the typical like, not even just Ken and Barbie just even Disney Princesses, you know, they're always beautiful and everything just magically happens and you know, they're no problems and you meet your prince charming all these all this all these things that were fed. I think for me growing up, I reject so deeply because I think those brought me shame of I felt, you know that my honor, my worth came from, you know, finding, quote, unquote, a prince charming or finding or living that like lavish life that I'd see with people on TV and different shows and movies I watched and it really, you know, I had to take a good look at it growing up and realized, you know, that's not real life. And that's not where my worth or my honor comes from. And to me, like, honor and shame are very much it's a dichotomy, right? Like, my honor is someone else's shame. My shame is someone else's honor. And it's so really hard cycle to be honest. And I'm curious, Sarah, would you? Did you feel a similar way? with, you know, cartoon characters or things that you grew up with? Do you feel like they gave you that sense of confidence of, you know, I'm rejecting what it's being told to me and my surroundings, and I'm choosing to just know, be child be like, be rambunctious Be confident, you know, did you experience that?

 Sarah B. Zaman  

I just want to, echo what Janine said like, you said very eloquently, you said what needed to be said, I definitely agree with a lot of what Lisa said. And there was actually one thing that Janine said, just before you, Lisa, that it really resonated with me, it was this idea that humor is used to deflect those comments and those things. And so to be I'm going to be super honest, I don't really feel shame. Like I haven't felt shame in a really long time. And I think a big reason for that is because I used humor and comedy to deflect a lot of that. So shameless plug here, haha, shameless. I do stand up comedy. And I think that has been a really great outlet for me to talk about things that would, before that point in my life made me feel maybe embarrassed or ashamed or taboo things to talk about. And I was like, You know what, full frontal. Let me just like, get on stage and just talk about it. And maybe a couple of people will relate, I can make a funny story out of it, I could have a good time talking about it. And so ever since I was able to find an outlet, I think least I think the original question was something along the lines of how do you deal with with those comments, and like the potential of shame and embarrassment and stuff being built up from that? I dealt with it. using humor, I dealt with it by never really taking anything too seriously. So I think that's there's a line, there's a very thin line that you tread with that it's like, yeah, sure, use humor as a way to like cope with it use humor as a way for you to kind of deflect that shame. So you don't internalize it. But it's also don't use that humor to hide the way you actually feel about things. Cause I think something that's super important is, if someone says something to you that you didn't like, you're allowed to be upset about it. You're allowed to have it affect you and affect the way you think about yourself. But only in that moment, right. It shouldn't affect you in the long run. Lisa summed it up really well, like or Janine also said it as well. But like these people, what they say is, in fact, its opinion. And so I think as humans, we're obviously going to have emotions and complex things that impact the way we deal with situations. But it's also really important to understand that things like humor, or things like not taking things too seriously or acting facetiously in situations shouldn't. What's the word it shouldn't clog or block the way you feel. And I feel like that's something that I've had a really hard time dealing with. Like I think I use a lot of like self-deprecating humor and stuff. Because I don't necessarily feel shameful for like, talking smack about myself. I don't know I can swear here. I'm just gonna keep it clean for the family. But like saying nice things about myself. And it's just like a really thin line where to some degree, I definitely have internalized some of that. But I've definitely taken what people have said about me turn it into such Big like such a big joke that I now start to think that things about myself because it's like, haha, so funny everyone laughs at it when I talk about it. But it's also important to realize like to some degree, making it a joke has helped me not internalize something. So very, very thin line that you have to try them like, it's I think all about finding that balance. I think Lisa kind of brought a balance this idea of like, you're the only one living with yourself. So it doesn't matter if other people laugh at these strokes, it's Are you laughing at them? And are you crying inside? Because the joke to put it very clearly.

 Janine  

I just want to give you all you podcast listeners. So some applause because that was amazing. And I completely agree with everything you said. Well, you can't give us a shameless plug and not tell us more about your comedy. The people want to hear more about it Sarah tell us so now I'm really curious. So what kind of material are you working on? And how have you incorporated? Some of what we're talking about in your actual shows?

 Sarah B. Zaman  

Yeah, for sure. Oh, my God. Yes. I will totally market myself get a follow me on Instagram. Don't …kidding. But I think Yeah, humor has been our stand up comedy in particular has been such an amazing experience. I think I'm very lucky to have found it when I did. I found it in 10th grade. And I don't know about y'all, but 10th grade, like she was not the cutest time, there was a lot of flying emotions in 10th grade. And I think 10th grade was also a time. How Will there be a 10th grade like 15, 16? That's like prime teenagerism, like, but I think like a bit more about my comedy I talk a lot about a lot of is just anecdotal experiences. And I've talked a lot about kind of experiences that I've had, that I think are generally somewhat taboo for a girl to talk about, like I've talked about, like going out and partying and like, sorry, mom, but like drinking and how like those types of experiences and, and like, a lot of it's a little bit more aggressive and somewhat vulgar. And I think that's not really the good, quote unquote, image of the perfect immigrant daughter and like, what will people think and so I think I was very lucky to be in a space where I had enough confidence in who I am, although none of it was unprecedented. Like, there was no reason I had the confidence of a teenage white boy, like, I did not need that confidence. Like, where did that come from? Who knows. But it was something that like, I'm very fortunate, very blessed to have had found so early on, and been able to turn it into something that yes, has helped me. And definitely helped me kind of come to terms with like, these experiences. Like there's no such thing as a normal experience. I started this, like, I'm trying to think of an example that's like, kind of appropriate to talk about here. A lot of them are not, but like, like, oh, like I talk a lot about kind of how my gent like our generation, and like my sister's generation, she was one of them all of it. So talk about the differences between those generations. And I'm like, this girl knows how to work an iPad better than me, that's freaky. And like, stuff like that. And I'm like, I like kind of say things, how it is like, or how I've experienced them. And it's definitely obviously helped me kind of come to terms with understanding these things better, and kind of presented in like a story format, where it's easier to digest. But there's been instances where I've like done a couple of shows, and people came up to me is like or how I've experienced them. And it's definitely obviously helped me kind of come to terms with understand these things better, and kind of presented in like a story format, where it's easier to digest. But there's been instances where I've like done a couple of shows, and people came up to me afterwards and like Sarah, no one experience that you had that was so funny, but it's also like, that's so true. Like, I also like bled through my pants and my period and a guy like that. That was a wack story. I bled through my pants. I was on my period, bled through my pants and like trying to clean the blood out of these pants and some dude walked in and he's funny like pantless bathroom. Super sad story. Like that was something that people had related to was maybe not that far, but people were like, yes, it's so like, embarrassing and like kind of shameful for me to bleed through my pants on my period. It's like, no, it's not girl, like, you get like we all get our period. And it's all something we'd like amendment like hundreds of 1000s of millions of people deal with it. So I don't know why we find so much shame within that. And so I think my stand-up comedy has been a really nice way for me to kind of come to terms with those things on my own be like, yes, it's funny and relatable. And it's fine that happened. But also like for other people, like they're also able to find humor in it. And all I can hope is that they like feel a little ashamed when it comes to that stuff.

 Janine  

It's I just love your approach, because you're taking something that a lot of people would see as like, you know, debilitating, the embarrassing, and you made it funny. And you it's a funny memory and it's material. And I want to know, Lisa, do you kind of look at humor the same way? Or what's been your way of, of dealing with a lot of comments and what people say?

 Lisa  

Yeah, I definitely agree with what both you Janine and Sarah were saying about humor. My humor is I just joke about if, if anything bad happens or anything traumatizing happens, I turn it into a joke. Sometimes you deeply inappropriate language like I should not be joking about this very enticing thing. Sara's laughing because she knows so the stuff that I say. But like, yeah, I think I don't like do stand up or anything. But just like within my daily life, with like, the people that I interact with on a regular basis, I just joke about everything. And I think it helps, it definitely helps. And going back to sort of what you said, Sarah, about talking, talking and sharing your experiences, and then having people say, oh, that I had the same experience, or I felt that that's sort of what I tried to do when I make it a joke. So when I sort of like, if it's difficult to talk about it, and feel the full weight of the emotion, joke about it instead. And then other people are then able to share their experiences, laugh, feel comfortable, and also sort of knowing that if there's something shameful happens, or if I feel shame about something, if I know that if I joke about it, it's sort of like if you expose yourself to something a lot, it's just the power, it loses its power, right? So I consistently, I used to do this thing in high school, going back to the topic of periods. I know that like in general, like societal, you people don't like it when you talk about your period. But I'm like, this thing happens to me every single month, and I can't not talk about it. Because when people when you have a cold when you have a headache, you know, like you say I don't feel well, I have a headache, I have a cold. And like every month, my period just happens. And I'm like debilitated for a couple of days. And so I just found that just sort of hammering down on that topic and sort of talking about it consistently joking about it. It made the power of the shame that I was supposed to be feeling society wise anyways, go away. So joking is really helpful. But sort of like Sarah said, you don't want to take it too far. Because you want to realize that, like you still have emotions about that situation underneath. And so you sort of have to realize when you're joking, and then when it's no longer a joke, and it's you need to actually deal with, like the way that you're feeling inside. So yeah, it's sort of like that, give and take. But I also wanted to actually touch on something earlier, about, like dealing with shame and talking to people about it. So I found that like to help me, I talked to my friends about basically everything. And that's like, mostly where the joking comes in. But like, we would talk about anything that we felt we were ashamed about. And it was helpful to sort of have people who, when we shared our experiences, I realized, okay, I'm not the only one feeling this, I'm not the only one going through this. And that helps me realize that it's really just, it's not a big deal. It's not the end of the world. So, yeah, I think sort of the joking and the people are connected, right? Because you can't sort of joke by yourself. But yeah, um, so I guess my next question would be, how do you sort of deal with shame when you are in the moment experiencing it, but then also after? How do you? How do you deal with it?

 Janine  

Um, for me, I think first of all, everything that Sara said, really resonated with me. Because I think that if you ask me 5, 10 years ago, versus today, the answer be very different. I think that I used to antagonize a lot of people that would, you know, comment on my appearance or, you know, project their own insecurities onto mine. But I think I also had to realize that, you know, we to have to extend that grace, you know, aunties or to other people, that you love in your community commenting on you or your achievements or who you are, is really a projection of how they see themselves or what they've been taught reproduced onto you. So I think that when I feel it, now I remember to, you know, breathe, and really think critically about what's being said, and evaluate whether it's a fact, or if it's an opinion, and I think that's really saved me. Because before, I would assume all these things that were said to me were facts, I never stopped for a second and questioned whether they were opinions or facts, I just truly assumed that they must know what they're saying they're older. And this is right. And I have to look like this because it's, it looks better, or I have to talk like this. I think as a child, I've always been someone who's very assertive in the way that I speak in the sense that I am not that sort of submissive type of woman. When I'm around people I love to, you know, make my opinion clear, while respecting other people's opinion. I think that was seen as masculine to a lot of people. And so there's a lot of unlearning. So that feeling of shame, I believe is, I don't think I think shame is the outcome. But I think things like embarrassment, things like anger, things like frustration are the immediate reactions that your body takes. And so when I feel that feeling in my gut, and it goes up my chest, and it flares up, and that embarrassment, of being singled out of how dare someone just like, comment about my weight gain during a very difficult time in my life? How could someone say that I didn't do well, in school, when I was doing two jobs at the same time, or they don't know what I'm going through, they don't see the other side. But at the end of the day, you know, when people project their own insecurities onto you, I think, just stay, you know, calm, really think about what's being said, remind yourself that, you know, it's an opinion, it's not reality, and just, you know, think about your own inner voice and what you think of yourself and your own standards of yourself. So to answer your question, Lisa, for me, the immediate reaction of the feelings after are so connected, because, you know, you can't blame yourself for having a reaction because it's your body, physically reacting, something being said, You can't sit and and tell yourself that, you know, how could this be have been said to me, I don't know how to deal with it. Because it's already been said, right? The moments already gone. So it's about how you react to it react with kindness, react with grace, sometimes when people tell me that I've gained weight, I'll react with Yeah, I'm gonna gain more weight, actually, I'm planning like, like, it's almost like having this like humor to it. And it leaves you in the cycle of confidence, because people in front of you don't know how to react to that. So it's taking shame, taking ownership of that, and refusing for you to be shamed in that way. More so, you know, say that this is a moment that's been subjected onto me, this is how I'm going to deal with it. I'm curious about what your experiences have been both of you. So I'd love to learn more.

 Lisa  

Um, yeah, I think for me, um, something you said Janine, that really resonated with me was realizing that when people try to make you feel shame, they're projecting their insecurities onto you, and sort of distinguishing what is someone's opinion and what is fact. So for me, it's been something that I really need to focus on. I think in the moment when something happens, and I feel shame, I react usually with defiance, because similar to you, Janine, I don't like, I don't really do well with authority figures. And I don't like being told what to think, or what to do, and so I sort of react, I'm very reactionary to it, I guess. And I sort of like, talk back and say, you know, you're wrong, or I don't believe this or whatever. And in the moment, it's that very, like, emotional, guttural reaction of "You don't get to say that about me or you don't get to tell that to me". But then when I go back, and like,time has passed or like, the next day or whatever, then I have to like sit with the feelings because me reacting is me reacting 'cause I've been hurt, right? It's because someone has touched something in me, or poked me in a place that hurts. So when I go back later on, I then have to work through the feelings. And that's when the things like feeling like it might be my fault or feeling like it's a me problem, that's when I deal with that. And so my way of dealing with that, and trying to make sure that it doesn't stick with me and stick with my psyche, is to realize that it's their opinion, and their opinion is irrelevant. And I like to say this thing, which, maybe it might come off as self centered, but I had to realize at the end of the day that like, the only person that I have to live with every single day in my life is myself. So no matter where I go, no matter what I do, I'm always going to have to live with me 24-7, I'm stuck in my brain, awake or asleep, it's just me. And so I have to make sure that I make my brain a safe space for me. And that means not internalizing other people's opinions of me or other people's standards, and making sure that I'm happy with myself, and if I'm not, then I'll try to fix it. But if I'm happy with the decision that I've made, or I'm happy with the way that I am, then that's like, the most important thing, and anything else is just like, it's just icing on the cake. You know?

 Janine  

We need that in a mug. I just wanted to add that in there. But, um, that was amazing, Lisa. Thank you so much for sharing that. I, that that what you just said, um, that you are the only person that's going to stay with yourself, day in and day out. 'Til, you know, we leave this earth, you have yourself and creating that safe space for inner dialogue, you know, cannot be emphasized enough, because I think that the harsher we are with ourselves, the easier things like embarrassment, shame, frustration, just ease into our system. So, well said amazing, definitely important to hear. Um, so tethering what you just said with, you know, how you said you can't joke with yourself? I'm really curious, with your both of your experiences, because we talked a lot about shame inflicted by other people or provoked by other people. What about self-shaming? You know, tell me a bit about what that looks like. And I'm curious to see whether, or to understand, if your form of self-shaming is another, in some ways, worse. And it's obviously, you know, impacted by societal standards or things that you grew up being conditioned, that it was right, even if you refuse it categorically with other people, just within yourself, you believe it. So I just want to ask you both. What does shame, self-shame specifically, look like? If it were a person, how would it look like?

 Lisa  

So I think this is a very interesting question. If my internal shame was a person, what would it look like? Um, it would honestly look like some of the people that I know in my life. And I think, I think it goes back to that thing of like, sort of internalizing other people's insecurities. Because what you said, Janine, of like how my shame is sort of based off of how I grew up and what I was conditioned to believe. So when I'm feeling the shame about these things, most of it is not from me. It's not. It's not because I don't think I'm good enough. It's because I think I'm not good enough, because someone else told me that I'm not good enough. So yeah, it definitely looks like some of the people that I know. Um, but when I'm dealing with that self-shame, that self-shame, I think it just goes back to the thing of, I have to remember that it's not me who's speaking. It's so-and-so who's in my mind, he's like, a little like, person on my shoulder speaking into my ear. And so I just tried to, I tried to block that out. I do this thing a lot, where if I'm feeling, if I'm feeling an uncomfy emotion, such as shame, I would just be like, no, we're not going to do that today. Like no, and I'll just like, shut it off. And I don't necessarily think this is the healthiest thing, because it then sort of tends to lead to things building up and me not really addressing things. But I think when I feel that shame is stopping my, like, functionality or stopping me from doing something that I know will be good for me. It's healthy, it's healthy to just tell myself, no, and just stop it because this is not you, and you need to be you and not someone else.

 Janine  

Wow. Yeah, I was about to say something like, mine would be like a mean, teacher sitting behind the desk, and like, marking everything I do wrong. Everything I do, right in my life, but you guys said it so eloquently. And I think that self-shame is probably my worst enemy in my life, like internalized shame, and this, you know, goes through every single like, caveat, whether it's like, gender, or feelings of shame as a woman, specifically feelings of shame with my body, feelings of shame as a student, you know, being at U of T, I think, I felt a lot of shame in the beginning, for feeling like I'm not performing like other people are, or I'm not at the caliber of some other people around me. I'm not good enough, this constantly repeats over and over and over my system of, you know, you are not good enough, that person is good enough. Even though to me, my dialogue with other people is very affirming. I love to see my friends thrive, I love to see people around me thrive, I want to help people, you know, with their goals, or just just remind themselves to be kind to themselves. But sometimes it feels like this, this issue of I can tell other people to do it, but I can't stick to it myself, which we all know is hard. You know, it's hard to, to take your own advice sometimes. But I think one thing I'm actively working on is, as Lisa mentioned at the beginning of this conversation, make a safe space in your mind, be kind to yourself, forgive yourself, have your own standards. There's no one keeping score. I think that's an important thing to remember. And that score is so subjective, it means nothing. And I think I used to put so much of my worth into my grades and being an want to be an overachiever. And I want to do this. Now, as someone who's graduating, I look back at my university life, and I'm just like thinking of, you know, the friends I made, thinking of the articles I wrote that I was really passionate about, or things that I did at Hart House, or things that I did with my student union. All these communities that I've been a part of that have made me feel fulfilled and made me feel like wow, like, I'm enjoying this. I'm feeling really passionate about this. So you create your own standard, right? And I think baby steps, right? Being self-critical is not something you can take away, just at once. But, you know, it's, um, be kind to yourself, I think is a, it's a simple but very important phrase. And, you know, when you internalize it, really reflect. Journaling is a good way for me to do that. I think back like, at the end of the day, I will question my own self. Question my thoughts, right? So I'll be like, Oh, I feel like really bad today because I got this mark, or I said something that I didn't mean that came across badly to other people. And I really have to critically reflect, you know, is this a big deal? Is this person still thinking about it 'cause I'm still thinking about it? Um, and is this something that has been that I've grown up with, or something that other people are telling you, this is what I genuinely, truly think. And when you clear out those thoughts, you can find the answers pretty simple. And reminding yourself that problems have solutions, right? And whatever, no matter what you do in your life, whatever mistakes, quote unquote, that you make, there are ways to solve it, ways to make your situation better, or ways to make what you're going through better. And, and I truly believe that things pass. And it's important to not be critical with yourself of like, don't feel that shame or embarrassment, 'cause you didn't handle things as good as you thought you would at that time, 'cause you didn't know as much during that time. So as Lisa said in the beginning, make it a safe space, because this world is full of people who want to plant seeds in you, seeds of doubt in you, of, you know, you're not good enough or you're not worthy, or you don't look this good or you don't act this good. But have your own standard. Right. I think it's a necessary reminder.

 Sarah B. Zaman  

I wholeheartedly agree with that. And, I think, definitely relate as a student, it's hard. It's hard, especially because things... people are trying so hard to make things as quote unquote normal they can be, and a part of that is like being productive and going to class and getting good grades and whatnot, but it's not the same. And I think it takes a lot of time to kind of compartmentalize and really conceptualize that and implement it into your life. And something Lisa said was, if you spend all of your time shaming and hating yourself, I think you said you can't become the person you want to be. I'm going to put my own little Sarah flair on that, and say, if you spend all your time and energy shaming and hating yourself, there's no time left to love yourself.

 Janine  

Wow, we need a round of applause for that.

 Sarah B. Zaman  

If you said - yeah, girl, give me snaps, please, yes, profound! No, but it's serious. And I think that's definitely something that I've had to-to learn when it comes to dealing with shame. And I think, on the flip side, what I had to unlearn about shame is sometimes you really need to sit down and think, is it really that deep? And then you realize, girl, it's not that deep. Like that person commenting on your Instagram photos, saying those bad things about the way you look or whatever. It's not that deep, delete the message and move on with your life. Like, I think that's definitely something I've unlearned is that things can only affect you if you let them affect you. And obviously, way easier said than done. And it's definitely, like, taken me like, I'm obviously not, like, I'm not even there yet. Like I'm slowly working towards it, and I think what both Lisa and Janine had said about, all the very articulate profound things that the both of you have said, throughout this, this talk, I think, have definitely given me ways to articularly describe all the feelings that I've been feeling. And I think, definitely take all that into account when I'm thinking about shame and insecurity and how I deal with that. So I just want to thank you both for for like teaching me so much more about it. Like I've never had a sit-down conversation about it, it's like, this is great. You should all do, like everyone should do this with their friends on a Friday night. Like, like talk about shame, it's talking about, talk about your deepest fears or shame, I think, great Friday night activity.

 Janine  

I think I've unlearned that being productive, is not, does not determine your worth. In the past year, being at home, it's so easy to blame yourself, you know, for not doing everything you want to do at the same time. And I think I think you can both relate to it as students, you feel like you have to be productive all the time, like a machine. And I feel, felt the shame of I'm not doing enough, I'm not doing enough. I am sitting at home all day, I have to be doing this, this, this and this, I have to be in a million clubs, I have to, you know, have a million internships, and I have to work and I have to do this, this, this, and this. And you feel a sense of shame, but really in the end? No, it's okay, if no one was productive this year. It's been a hard year, you know?

 Lisa  

Yeah. For me, I think, sort of what Sarah said, I don't think I've fully unlearned, I'm still in the process of unlearning. But what I would say is something that I'm working on is realizing that, at least for me, one of the best ways to deal with it when I feel shame, is so like I had said earlier to shut it down, but also to figure out what it is about that situation that I'm feeling shameful about. Decide whether or not, like you said, if it's even a big deal, if it's even valid. And, if I do find something about it, find that it's something about myself that I don't like, I make a game plan as to how to fix it. So, if I find that I don't like that, I don't know, maybe I sleep too much. Then I'm like, why? Why do I sleep too much? And how can I stop? Or, I self sabotage. Why do I do this? And how can I stop? And I find that sort of having a mindset of getting rid of the trash if it's not valid. And then if it is a valid concern about that I have about myself, how do I improve or get better? That makes me...that leaves less time for me to focus on hating myself and more time to focus on becoming who I want to be.

 Janine  

I have chills from that. That's... that's so important. And I... you're right, becoming who we're supposed to be and also being in the present. You know, like when something's said to us, or we feel something in a certain situation, that moment's gone, and it's... I think we forget, and I am totally one of those people that really doesn't live in the moment sometimes because I keep reliving that moment of embarrassment, of anger, of shame. Like, it just plays in my head over and over again, I'm wasting precious time, like you said, becoming the person I want to be. Particularly for me, the woman I want to be, and what I want to, what that means for me, and I just appreciate you both so much today. This has been so wonderful. I just want to kind of open up the floor for any, you know, closing remarks, and let everyone know how they can follow you after this episode, and tell us about some upcoming projects.

 Sarah B. Zaman  

I'll go first, Lisa and I are, like, gesturing at each other "Go, go go!"  Um, some closing remarks, ideas, I think-I think you can have, something interesting that just popped into my head as both of you were, kind of, wrapping things up was, to some degree, I think, not all shame needs to be unlearned. And that is, in itself a whole different, that's a whole different podcast episode, need us back here sometime soon to talk about the importance of shame. Because I think shame, to some degree, has kept people in check. I think there's some things that you should be ashamed about, but I digress. But I think all in all, I am just so grateful to have had the opportunity to speak to such lovely, intelligent women about this topic. This topic that is so important, and I think definitely impacts so many people, but like, it seems as though it's always something that's like gnawing at you on the inside. So it was really nice, just bring it to the forefront and be like, "Hey, this is something that we all feel. Let's talk about it. How do we deal with it? How does it make us feel?" and so on and so forth. So thank you for involving me in this chat, I loved chatting with you all, love to be a part of anything and everything. What else did you say? Oh, yes. How to help people can follow me, ooh. Um, you can follow me on Instagram at Sarah B. Zaman, S-a-r-a-h-b-z-a-m-a-n. That's my Instagram. Do I have any other platforms? I don't think so. LinkedIn, oh my god. Follow me on LinkedIn, I love LinkedIn. We're always here for good networking up! Some projects that I'm working on. To be quite honest, it's been, obviously, very difficult to do projects. But if I, I write an advice column for a magazine, so link in bio on Instagram! Ugh, I feel so dirty, trying to like plug me in like, projects. And the magazine is Addicted Magazine, It's a lovely magazine based in Toronto. And follow me on that, submit questions, I'm your gal for all your advice needs. I may have some stand up shows coming up. The column is called Sarah's Two Sense, but it's like s-e-n-s-e, Ithink that's how you spell it, I am illiterate. So definitely read up on that, send insome questions, would love to hear from all of you. Might have some stand up shows coming up soon, if you want a decent chuckle. Like, follow me on Instagram. I'll post all my updates there.

 Janine  

What about you, Lisa? I have to say just you know, before Lisa goes, that Lisa and I co- produced this episode, and Lisa is phenomenal. And this was her first episode on our podcast. Um, so you're gonna be hearing a lot more of her in the future.

 Lisa  

Thanks, Janine. Yeah, I guess closing remarks for me. Sort of to just to echo what you said, Sarah, I think it was really a brilliant, like deeply affirming experience, to talk about shame. And sort of just like, know, not that I did it know, but to be reminded that it's a thing that we all experience. And I'm not alone in that feeling. And then also to hear how you both, sort of, deal with it and what you've learned about it. There's definitely a lot of things that I'm going to take and try to implement in my life. So this was awesome, thanks, Janine. And then in terms of where you can find me, you can find me on Instagram at Lisa Star 1242, l-i-s-a-s-t-a-r 1242. Upcoming projects...I do photography, and I'm working on, sort of, building a portfolio, and turning that into an Instagram account. So if you follow my personal you will find out when the photography account gets launched. And then I'm also working on a podcast of my own. And that's in the works. So once again, follow me on Instagram for all the updates on like what I'm doing. But yeah, that's it for me.

 Janine  

For me, I just want to say I am so lucky to have had this wonderful conversation with you both. I think it was really healing for me and was also really informative. I think I am in awe of how strong you both are when dealing with shame, and how resilient you are. But at the same time, the way that you, you know, turn it into humor, and the way that you take these experiences and make it part of your narrative and part of your story in a way that helps other people, like you said Sarah, people that come to your show and see this, and Lisa, with your podcast. I can't wait to see the projects that you work on and seeing your photography as well. And, and the way that you guys take these rich experiences and make it your own. And I'm really inspired by you both. And I'm really excited to see what's coming in the future. For me, to all our listeners, I just want to say that, you know, shame is a really pervasive thing. And I'd encourage you to think about your own relationship with it because it might be affecting you in ways that you don't know. And you know, what you think of yourself is always the most important. So I just want to add a gentle reminder there. Be kind to yourself. And yeah, thank you both. I think we all need, like, a round of applause. So I guess everyone can unmute, and we can just, you know,

 Lisa  

Snaps all around.

 Sarah B. Zaman  

That was great.

 Lisa  

Thank you.

 Sarah B. Zaman  

I thoroughly enjoyed that. That's fine. Y'all are fun to talk to.

 Janine  

Thank you so much, everyone. Thank you for listening to this week's episode of the West meeting room on CIUT 89.5 fm.

 Lisa  

We hope you were able to find something that resonates with you or something that you can take away and mull over for the next week.

 Janine  

We're here every Saturday at 7am and you can find us on our Hart House stories page on SoundCloud. We'd love to hear from you. We're on Instagram @harthousestories  and Twitter @hhpodcasting.  Thank you so much for listening. Take care of yourself and we'll be with you next week.

[talesofealdancynedom]

Second edition of Calliope, in fairy robes, with familiar Heracles. But, is this story really about her?

Tale 17: Calliope Cwenfyre, Amadeus and Andromada Rosethorn  (chapter 1 - Calliope 1/5 ) part 3. Stories of True Love

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Calliope was the second daughter of King Mage Morgan Cynedom, and Magician Rhodochrosite Emilia Loket. She was the child of summer, and was named and housed by the Dragon King. All four of Emilia and Morgan’s children were prophesized; one for each quadrant of the table of fours, which showed all the correlations of magic. As King Mage, Morgan had collected each of the beast stones, by befriending all ten of the kings of fey. Resulting in them revering Morgan as a trusted brother, representing the kingdom of magical men from their perspective. Because of this, Morgan would have all the houses, and thus his children would need to be placed in a new magic house, being unable to inherit one. And people needed a magic house to use magic. As the beast kings were the ones with the authority to give humans the ability to do magic, by giving them a special last name, a beast king would have to personally house Morgan’s children. All four prophesized children would have a beast king, who’s kingdom was associated with the child’s birth quadrant, name them like a fey. The Dragon King was the one who won the negotiations to name the child of summer. There were negotiations between all ten beast kings to name a child, as they considered it an honour to name one of their brother’s children. Names are important; particularly in fey. Also, of importance to the Dragon King, was the fact he fancied things that were extravagant, in terms of awe; He thought Calliope Cwenfyr was a pretty cool name, for his brother’s second daughter.

Calliope, just as her three siblings, had the personality traits of the beast king that named her. Dragons were regal, had a habit of collecting things, slept a lot, specialized in fire magic, and acted violently if irritated. Calliope was well adjusted, collected cups, slept in class, mastered the fires, and would easily snap at her siblings if they teased her. It made the Dragon King proud. In terms of her golden summer appeal, Calliope looked the most like their father in appearance. Long wavy golden bronze hair, olive eyes, and freckles. She obsessively wore adorable dresses, like her mother; colourful, floral, lacy, ribboned, frocked, and frilly. Calliope’s fairy robes were less traditionally feminine. They were that of the dragon kingdom. Her, and her siblings, all got fairy robes made by the Fairy King, in the style of their magic house’s fey king. Like all fairy robes, made for mages, they were to protect Calliope. Fairy robes grew with the owner, never dirtied, were immune to blade or spell, and a mage trademark. So much so, that wizards carried on the tradition of wearing fashion crimes to signify their skill.

Calliope’s robes suited her well; they were bronze and green velvet, and came complete with a pointed hat. Her familiar, named Heracles, was an albino python she wore about her shoulders. Even as she went adventuring around her father’s gate. Heracles provided excellent dissonance when worn about her collar; to accessorize knee length pink flower applique dress. This fundamental adorableness is exactly why Morgan wanted as many daughters as possible. Like her father Morgan, Calliope wanted to be, and was, a talented seer. Though Morgan studied magic history and literature, Calliope loved to learn about fay; and there was no better place to meet and observe fey, then her home on Tiberius Gate. Yet, no fey had as special a place in her heart as dragons. She would even visit the Dragon King, and his Queen Quellelthan, to tell them stories. Most people assume the Dragon King does not hoard like his children, because he appeared to not have any treasure. But That would be because there are things, side from objects, to collect. The Dragon King, as Morgan and Calliope found out, does have one thing he gathers; stories about human lives. Aside from Morgan, no one’s tales held as charming to The Dragon King as Calliope’s. The most powerful beast king, would gladly take a stool, and offer one to a visitor, just to hear about their day.

Calliope was best friends with the Dragon King. Out of all of Calliope’s dragon like ways, he was most endeared by her collecting. He anticipated hearing her show and tell her latest finds. Calliope, as mentioned, liked cups; particularly chalices of unusual material or décor, which may or may not be magic. To her parent’s dismay, this habit started when she was six, and persisted her whole life. Normal people collect things; it is simply a matter of storage. And storage space is valuable in a large family household. Emilia would groan every time Calliope said: “Mom! Look what I found!”

The Dragon King had not intended for the fey children he made, to covet things. Yet, he decided not the change it, because his children’s collections were so interesting. Each reptilian fey had a unique, and specific, thing they treasured. The Dragon King had made a son of the The Grand East, who fancied collecting postage stamps, and a daughter in the Central South who liked hording creepy dolls and puppets. But unlike Calliope, they often took or stole their prizes; as fey have no sense of value or human morals. This got complicated if a dragon child stole a priceless watch, and a mage had to make a convincing trade to get the heirloom back. Calliope, being raised well by her family, acquired her collection legally: by asking, paying, or picking them up on an adventure. Her little sister Artemis, liking shinny things, would take them occasionally. Emilia would groan every time she heard: “Mother! Art stole from my hoard again, and she won’t give it back! And Patrick bit me!”

As Calliope grew, she realized she wanted to be a seer like her father. Seers are magic users, mage or wizard, that: observe, record, and share information they witness and find, pertaining to magic. Whether it was aiding a quest, or teaching a class; seers were important for inspiring people’s wonder and love of the mystic. Calliope found herself imitating her father, by reading his collection of mage books; which, unlike her homebody father, filled her with wanderlust. Calliope wanted to travel the world, studying and helping dragon fey. Every time she discovered a new fey from the dragon kingdom, she would ask Dragon King about it. Calliope asked the important questions: like why he made a particular dragon was a particular way, in terms of: colours, number of legs, type of fire, geographic location, ect. And then pointing out impracticalities of creatures like that. The Dragon King would laugh at her critique, as magic is neutral and cares not about opinions of men. His throw away answer was always the same.

“Because I thought it would be cool. Everyone loves things that are awesome. Bright red, large, spiked, strong, fire, the whole lot. I could lovingly make the children of my kingdom anything, and having the choice, I want them to be outlandishly impressive.” The Dragon King would say. He was unaware of the correlation between legendary power and awe, and how feared and respected his darlings were to humanity. This answer was always satisfying to Calliope however. Not only because she was young, but because she liked to hear that answer. Because, the Dragon King was not wrong as far as she was concerned. Dragon’s and all reptilian fey, exuded what it meant to be legendarily cool.

When Calliope decided to start magic school, at the same academy as her siblings and parents, she was excited to start lerning. She could not wait to meet Professor Hara Fyrstan; head seer at pepperidge academy. He specialized in fey and magic conservation, and he married dragon princess Fleoganan; whome Calliope also couldn’t wait to see more of. Calliope had all the requirements to be a good seer; she was weird, went on informative rants form simple questions, was enthusiastic about her subject of study, and awkward around people. She would fit in perfectly with her magic academic peers.  

Between her looks, charm, and goals to be a seer like her father, Calliope had begun to catch the attention of a dear family friend. Master of Rosethorn garden manor, and Morgan’s best friend; Master Paladin Amadeus Rosthorn. He was undyingly loyal and close to Morgan, wanting nothing more to fulfill the pact he made to the fey whose magic dwelled inside him. He wanted to protect the thing’s he loved. Including: all his friends, family, and their magical forest home. He worked hard to guard the wholesome spirit of magic, in the day and shadow veils, for men and fey. Calliope was many of the things, and more. She possessed a stupid sort of courage and passion only mages can possess. Just like her father. It is something worth protecting, collecting, and treasuring.

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