#it's pretty sad how i have to hide part of myself when I'm at home but nice to see the community outside of my house

[escapingreality101]

I'm not out yet, but I was able to get away with wearing a pride shirt that my grad school department made. Today was the first time I wore it in public. I'm working at the school library right and someone came up to me and told me they liked my shirt and happy pride. I'm over here smiling and trying not to cry. That was the first time someone told me happy pride in real life. Today's a great day. Happy Pride y'all!!

[giddyfatherchris]

📱skz texts —how they react/comfort you (when you're going through a rough patch with a friend)

| including. bang chan, lee know

warnings. mentions of homophobia, anxiety and depression (but not going in depth with any of these subjects)

a/n. FINALLY!! channie and lee know’s part babyyyy honestly i kept procrastinating but today i decided enough is enough.😤 again, these are not in order but i cannot be 🎶booOoOoOthereeeddd🎶 so :) hope you enjoy mwah xxx

changbin, seungmin & i.n

hyunjin, han & felix

Lee Know

He knew from your texts you were not in your normal state. You were usually such a bubbly person, but when you answered so drily to his questions, he knew something was wrong.

As he waited for you to come home, he couldn't help but pace in his apartment. You weren't living together yet, but you spent so much time at his flat that you claimed it as your second home comfortably. In the 15 minutes it took for you to arrive, Lee Know had prepared himself for many scenarios, but he could have never predicted how you opened harshly the door and slammed it shut. Your ritual of crouching on the floor, calling for his three cats, was brutally ignored as you stomped to the kitchen.

"Hi, baby." He tentatively tried. Cautious, he kept his distance as you grunted in answer. You opened the fridge door, looked for a milli second before you closed it, then repeated the same process with the pantry. You made yourself a glass of water, didn't even take a sip, and grumbled as you looked in front of you, not really seeing anything. You abandoned it on the counter, ready to stomp away, when Lee Know put himself in your trajectory.

"What's going on?"

You would have kept walking if he hadn't grabbed you by the shoulders and blocked you from carrying on.

"Uh?" you looked at him as if you were just now seeing him. "Nothing, something at work, it's enraging." 

"Then please tell me so I can know who to kill," he replied in an equally angered tone. His hold on your shoulders tightened slightly at the thought someone had hurt you. 

You looked at him, surprised. "What, kill someone?" 

"Please, Y/n. I've never seen you like this. I don't know what happened, but for it to put you in that state, I'm guessing it's pretty serious." 

He had to pull it out of you, but you finally explained how you discovered one of your coworkers, who you considered a friend, was, in fact, a raging homophobic, queer-hating asshole. When you first heard him comment on someone else wearing a rainbow pin, you had laughed it off, thinking he was being dumb, but he kept adding on, and you realized, horrified, that he was being serious. 

Cherry on top, when you told him you were pansexual, he had stared at you with this idiotic air and asked if you were attracted to kitchen appliances. It ended up with you terminating that 'friendship' and leaving the office completely enraged. 

Your boyfriend listened carefully to your story. His piercing eyes set on you when he finally stated, "I have no idea how you managed not to smack him in the face." 

You let out a dry chuckle, telling the story again only egged you on, and brought up a familiar gloom you hadn't felt in a while. Immediately, he noticed the change in your demeanor, how the burning rage had simmered to a profound sadness. "Hey, it's okay, you can report the bastard, you know. He can't go around saying stuff like that."

You wrapped your arms around your middle, your lower lip softly shaking as you exhaled. "It's been a long time since I've been directly in contact with someone like that. I'm mad at myself for not seeing it maybe others knew, and they considered me badly for hanging out with him. I feel so bad."

He pulled you to him, softly resting his chin on top of your head. "Some people are really good at hiding who they truly are. He never said anything before, you never could have known."

"I know, but I somewhat feel like a traitor to my community," you covered your face with your hands before hiding in his chest. "Is that dumb?"  

He softly pushed you back and leveled his gaze with yours. "That is a little dumb because you did not betray your community, okay? You can't betray someone if you've also been fooled. And you know what's the best thing to do now? Report his ass. I'm sure if you do, there will be others who feel comfortable speaking up."

Your eyes lit up at his suggestion. "You're right. I want queer people to feel safe at work. The thought that I might have been seen as someone who would threaten that makes me sick. But if I speak up, that could change. Maybe we could even create a committee to do sensibilization about homophobia in the workplace." The gloom in your eyes was replaced with a fire. "One thing is sure, I won't let it happen again.

He gave you an adorable grin as he softly grabbed your chin. "My little fighter, I'm proud of you."

Your eyes disappeared into a happy smile as you hugged him again. "Thank you for always supporting me, although I am slightly scared of how little it took to convince you to kill someone." 

He laughed before grabbing you over his shoulder and whispered with a diabolical expression. "You shouldn't." 

Because really, there shouldn't be a doubt in your mind that this man was ready to make anyone who hurt you pay a terrible price. 

Bang Chan

The leader rubbed his hands on his face in an attempt to wipe away all the exhaustion. He looked back at his computer screen, feeling a violent cramp in his head causing his eyes to squeeze shut of their own accords. 

"Okay, okay. I get it. No more computer today."

He grabbed his phone before getting up, pleading his eyes to survive one last exposure to the light of a screen. He clicked on your name and quickly typed in, asking you what you wanted to eat for dinner but all signs of fatigue disappeared once he saw your answer. Worry replaced any feelings in his heart, his tired eyes fixed on the device.

What could have happened for you to be so down? He knew you were dealing with a difficult friend lately, but could it have gotten this bad so quickly? He wondered if he should push it, ask you more, but as his eyes started burning again he realized it would probably be of no help and he should wait for you to get home. Chan looked around the apartment, an uneasy feeling in his chest, a restlessness agitating his limbs. You were hurting and he couldn’t stay still, waiting for you to arrive. Then it clicked, he looked at your messages once again, closed the app and started dialing a number he was starting to know very well. As the line rang, a smirk slowly took place on his full lips.

You tiredly entered your apartment, welcomed with a delicious aroma. You kicked your boots off, more than ready to change into comfortable clothes and hug your boyfriend. 

Your heart melted at the sight waiting for you in the kitchen. Chan, his sleeve rolled up, showing his strong forearms, was very focused on the pots and pans burbling in front of him. He softly hummed to the soft jazz music playing in the background, completely oblivious to the world around him. You silently walked to him and wrapped your arms around his middle, loving how his strong back felt on your cheek through his clothes. 

"Jesus! You scared me," he whined, still, you could hear the smile in his voice as his hands wrapped around yours. "How are you?"

You didn't answer, feeling tears prickling your eyes and that burning sensation in your nose when you knew you were about to cry. You buried your face in his clothes, hoping it would muffle the sound of your sobs. 

"Y/n?" he quickly turned around, realizing you were far from okay. "Hey, baby what's going on?"

Violent sobs shook your body as you slid to the floor engulfed in Chan’s reassuring embrace, allowing you to let it all go. Once you calmed down enough to take a big breath, he asked again. "Baby, what happened?" 

Softly, he brushed his fingers through your hair. He was a calm and reassuring presence for you in all the chaos. You knew you could trust him, knew you could tell him anything and he would be there for you.

"You know my ´friend’, our relationship was already rocky, I knew that, but I thought it was getting better. When we studied together the other day, we talked so much, about anything and everything and even personal stuff. I thought we were getting over that petty argument, but today I heard them tell other people from my classes how I was faking my anxiety disorder and depression symptoms. They said I only did it to get attention and that I- I was an addict." Your voice broke on the last word, horrified that such words could have come out of their mouth.

Chan had to fight everything in him not to go after them right now. If there was one thing he despised it was when the ones he loved were hurt. He couldn't bear it. He knew how hard it had been for you to get a diagnosis and start taking medication. How could someone be heartless enough to make such comments? 

"I heard some of the people in the group defend me, but still... I can't believe it. I'm so stupid, I never should have told them about it."

"Y/n. You are not stupid. They are the assholes. You are not stupid for trusting someone you thought was a friend okay? I don't ever want you to think you are stupid for that."

You looked at him with teary eyes. He felt himself melt and soften, all anger disappearing when he realized how badly you needed him. "You are not stupid. You are not faking anything." he softly stroked your cheeks, wiping away the tears as he did. "I'm so proud of you for reaching out for help. I'm proud of you every damn day, and you know the people who really love you do too." You closed your eyes, relishing in his warm touch, allowing his soft voice to erase every doubt and fear. He softly kissed your forehead, "Okay?"

"Okay," you whispered. "Thank you I don't know what I would do without you."

"You would still do amazing because you are one of the strongest person I've ever met."

You chuckled at his comment. "You're so cheesy. Still, I'm pretty happy to have you." You lifted your head towards the stove. "Especially if you tell me you've been cooking for me." You took a deep breath in, finally registering what it was you were smelling. You looked back at him, already smiling, a look of surprise on your face. "Is- is that my mom’s… How, how did you do it?"

A proud and satisfied expression was printed on his features. "You wanted your mom’s spaghetti so I called and asked her to help me make it. Turns out the recipe isn’t that hard." He tucked a piece of your hair behind your ear while you stared at him like he was the most magnificent thing you had ever seen, which he was.

"I can’t believe you did that. My mother has never told anyone her recipe!"

"Yeah, about that. I might have had to make a deal with her to get it…" You rolled your eyes, ready to hear some embarrassing stunt your mother pulled on your boyfriend. "I had to explain why I wanted the recipe, and she might have made me promise we’d go visit your family in two weeks while you’re on spring break."

You squealed and wrapped your arms around his neck, asking him a thousand time if he was kidding, if this was really happening, while he promised over and over again it was. You pulled back to look at the satisfied smile growing on his lips. Chan was a sure value in your life, maybe the only true one, and as you looked at him, his dimpled smile and the satisfaction he had in preparing all this for you, you knew this was it. He was everything you would ever need.

[didi-champleve]

OK so it has come to my attention that I am *shock horror* finally just the teensiest bit ready to explore the prospect of romance again.

here's the catch: I'm - for want of a better word - yearning for the kind of romance that just happens. that wordless all knowing all encompassing stuff of novels love that I know is pretty silly and unattainable.

but it's not because I have my head in the clouds; it all boils down to a desperate need to feel the kind of wanted and desired that I don't or can't question.

I'm pretty scarred, a life time of feeling not enough for anyone will do that I guess. but I also think I'm pretty decent at working at getting better even if it's a tiny little bit at a time. so if I'm gonna be able to open myself up to anyone... I have some work to do.

First and foremost - being able to say what I want and need, without expecting the other person to 'just know'.

now this can be contentious... I've had so many people put me down for hoping beyond hope that they would try just that little bit more, understand the person I am, and use their observation and understanding of me to make me feel wanted and special and loved. I will never not want this. I try and do this for others and it really really hurts to not have someone understand or want to do this too without being asked. it's not a tit for tat thing... its just a... I want to be with someone who wants to make me happy just like I want to make them happy kind of thing.

but that aside... I'm gonna put a bunch of stuff down here. stuff that I find hard to say or ask. then I'm gonna bury it under a pile of smut and only have the link to it in my pinned.. because only someone who is interested in the cheesey and romantic comment should be reading this anyway.

I know that's not the solve. far from it... I know this isn't how relationships work... I know the likelihood of finding those right someone/s is slim. but it's a start of me accepting that I have to be able to share far more of these wants and needs if I'm ever going to have a shot at experiencing them with people.

OK so here goes.

First me...for context. I'm really kinda average and for the most part I like it that way. I sometimes oscillate between Holy fuck I am the TITS and wow what an awful excuse of a human being. I have a broken brain and that makes me sad sometimes. I'm passionate about some things, angry often about the world we live in, and am desperate to find 'home' and feel safe and whole and calm. I can be a little difficult for sure, I often think I'm right, I used to be smart and snippets of that remain, I love to cook and bake and share it with others because it's the easiest way to tell people they matter. I overthink because of anxiety but also because its safer than action. I don't like crying and I will hide it from you if I can. I like being creative but am my own harshest critic. I love my mum and if she doesn't like you it's going to be an issue. I have always always found it super hard to make close friends. I have a lot of good acquaintances but only a very small handful of friends. I will always struggle with my body. I am so tired of being strong... I just want to be treated gently.

I want... what I want has changed significantly over the years. I have had 3 significant relationships and they each had their drama and learnings. but these are things that I have always and think I will always want...

I want to be asked. I find it so hard to share unprompted. People think I'm quiet but the second someone is clearly interested and asks and allows me a little space I will talk and share and it will make me feel even more excited to ask you back. I want to share myself so much..and I want you to care when I do. I can also be kinda funny, no promises but if our humour matches I will do everything I can to make you giggle.

I want to be touched just coz. that whole 'touch is a love language' yeah you need to be fluent. I want that - we're sitting on the train together and your arm is around me but without thinking your hand wanders to find that little soft spot behind my ear caressing it and down my neck just because...yaknow? that... all you are doing is scooching past me to grab something but you're gonna take the opportunity to squeeze my butt just coz.

whilst I come across as sex obsessed its because I kinda am. I love sex. all aspects of it though. I know once some people get into relationships this can plateau. but if I'm horny for you likelihood is I'm gonna keep being horny for you... I need someone who is the same. it is heartbreaking when libido doesn't match...and no I'm not saying like every single time has to be a 100% match... we're people not sex dolls. but generally it's gotta be more rather than less

OK this one is gonna seem materialistic... but.. flowers.. pressies.. thoughtful dates.. yeah I love all that kinda thing. it shouldn't be just for occasions - birthdays, anniversaries... i hope it's more like - I needed to make you smile today. I saw this and thought of you. I saw this activity and wanted to do this with you. I knew this would make you happy... and yes absolutely I want to do the same for you. and it's not about money I swear... it could be a little unexpected note, it could be finishing xyz extra fast because you wanted to spend extra time with me. I think this one comes down to actions do often speak a hella lot louder than words.

the last one (for now, there may be more I have to add as edit we'll see) is a bit weird. I may... need you to fight for me a little... against my own stupid brain and tendency to self sabotage. this is bad I know and the one on here I know I really really need to work on... but I may put up a barrier, just to see if you want me enough to over come it. its the most frustrating awful thing. but at least I'm aware of it 🤷🏾‍♀️🤦🏾‍♀️

welp... that was kinda cathartic to write out.

next step... I'm probs gonna redownload one of the dating apps... and change the 'absolutely casual only thank you' to 'maybe, just maybe'

wish me luck?

✨🫣✨

[0himio]

MDZS Fanfic Recs -- Completed

I am in such a MDZS rabbit hole and its driving me INSANE! I've never done this before, but here are a couple of completed MDZS fics that I saved. Not all of them are my top ones but I enjoyed them quite a bit. I don't think the characters went too OOC but having said that I can't tell too much. At least I know that they are goo goo gaa gaa OOC iykwim

Forget Myself in Memories

Ten years after the events of Guanyin temple, the juniors accidentally step into an array that sends them to the past, just before the beginning of the Sunshot Campaign

Author: geethr75 Words: 10,300 Chapters: 7

The ending is pretty sweet and it's a "juniors time travel and decide to fix things" trope. I'm a sucker for that type of thing and it's cool to see how the past interacts with the future -- especially since instead of the usual time travel to Cloud Recesses, they travel at the start of the Sunshot Campaign.

ghost (What's your name)

Wei Wuxian spends the 13 years after his death as a ghost, except that nobody outside of four little kids seems be able to see him.

Author: pearlAngel Words: 3,086 Chapters: 1

This goes into a bit of the perspective of all the juniors and their opinions on the Yiling Patriarch and how different his ghost is. NHS also shows up and his little section makes me tear up a ngl

When The Soul Returns Home

"Jiang Chenggggggg!" He whined, taking extra care not to jolt the man any harder than was comfortable, in fear of being whipped to death. "Heartless shidi, ignoring me. The least you could do is threaten to break my legs, you know." That last part came out more honest than he expected. Because yeah. He'd rather Jiang Cheng threaten him with Zidian for all he cared that he might die, hell he'd rather Jiang Cheng maul him right here right now than straight up looking through him as if he was glass. Jiang Cheng flinched upon contact, but he didn't turn. Wei Wuxian was only perceptive enough to notice the shiver through the thick fabric of his shoulder, gone in a second, replaced instead with firm, tense muscles. . During a night hunt, Wei Wuxian gets his body back and is now responsible for telling his shidi what happened without having a chance to escape. Of course that went wrong as well, but in a different way than he imagined. It seems like no matter what happened, Wei Wuxian will always be surprised by the sheer unconditionality of Jiang Cheng's love and faith.

Author: yue_yinbai Words: 11,164 Chapters: 1

This is an au where WWX gets his body back and he has a lot of mixed feelings about it. Many other people have feelings. There's a heart to heart and a make up/feelings session with WWX and JC that is really sad but sweet to read about.

A Grand Immortal Made Me Soup

One thing had become incredibly clear. Wei Ying was much sicker than he had thought he was, and as a result, was now hallucinating. There was no reality where a Grand Immortal had actually shown up in his apartment, yelled at him about his shit-hole residence, and fed him soup. Absolutely in no way was a Grand Immortal in his apartment, and shitting on him for not finding a place that banned pets.

Author: s6115 Words: 5,040 Chapters: 1

This one's just hella funny but there is a bit of angst. Its a mix of an immortal au and a reincarnation au where JC is an immortal and WWX reincarnates in the modern world. Lowkey felt bad but it's a really heartwarming story. There are a lot of things that WWX doesn't get but he's trying.

The One-Body Problem

The good news is that Lan Jingyi has found a mentor, friend, and constant companion through the difficulties in life. The bad news is that that’s because he’s been accidentally possessed by the Yiling Patriarch.

Author: metisket Words: 28,689 Chapters: 2

LJY acts without thinking and gets possessed by WWX. It's such an interesting concept, especially since they are both hiding things from each other the whole time. It's a bit of a joyride tbh since yk LJY and WWX make an interesting combo but it's one of my favs

Tell Them How the Crowds Went Wild, Tell Them How I Hope They Shine

A-Yuan knows he has to be very careful in his new home. He has to be mindful of the hem of his pristine white robes, cautious of the volume of his voice, dutiful in his manners. A-Yuan has to be very, very good. Really, really good. Because otherwise, Baba might have to leave, like Mama. A-Yuan did not want to lose Baba too. Or: A-Yuan did not forget everything of the Burial Mounds - he remembered a bright smile, a cheerful laugh, the warmth of strong arms, and a single name. It's up to Lan Wangji to make sure he does not forget it all.

Author: GinnyRose Words: 4,598 Chapters: 1

This is told in LSZ's point of view. It's a bit angsty but not too bad.

i don't know how to be something you miss (i'll watch your life in pictures like i used to watch you sleep)

Wei Wuxian died. That should've been the end of it. He gained consciousness again in the Jingshi, unable to leave, while Lan Wangji was in seclusion. He proceeded to watch A-Yuan grow up.

Author: mfingenius Words: 7,071 Chapters: 1

This one is kinda sad. Halfway through I lowkey almost cried because of how bad I felt. I don't want to spoil but this one gave me the feels. I love ghost WWX aus and I actively search for them but this one- *chefs kiss*

A Dramatic Reading

Lan Wangji and Wei Wuxian make out in a room full of Sect Leaders, Jiang Cheng tearfully declares his love for his estranged brother, Sect Leaders Yao and Ouyang beg for the Yiling Patriarch’s forgiveness, and Lan Qiren openly welcomes a new nephew-in-law into his family. None of them want to be doing any of this. Thanks to the Juniors, they don’t exactly have a choice. (Or, wherein the Juniors accidentally write a cursed fanfiction, and everyone has to reenact their parts in it, or potentially cease to exist).

Author: pupeez4eva Words: 5,627 Chapters: 1

This is such a crack fic but is so damn funny. Everyone just wants to kill the juniors because their guilty pleasure of writing wangxian fanfics gets outed. LWJ and WWX don't get together post-canon and the juniors got sick of them and started writing cringy fanfiction. This fic cured some of the angst I've been reading.

[autumnalfallingleaves]

002

Frilda

002 | Send me a ship and I will tell you:

When I started shipping them:

Definitely after I finished watching s2, back when it first dropped. I think it was actually pretty soon after I posted my first art of my teen designs for the kids, because when I posted my adult designs for Hilda and Frida, I was like "yeah this is Frilda lol." I'd taken note of how they interacted in both seasons and so. lmao

My thoughts:

The witch-Familiar bond makes it so that they are basically canonically life partners now and I just can't get over that?? And they would also do anything for the other and that's also canon and I cannot get over that! These kids are so gay for each other and they're such a good match!!

What makes me happy about them:

Like I said, they're a great match for each other and they also push each other to do new things that expand their worldviews. Also, even if their bond stays platonic within the show, they are still life partners and I think that's kind of amazing. They are completely and utterly devoted to one another and I think they both kind of really need that, that reassurance that they'll always have each other.

What makes me sad about them:

They'll probably always have to hide their witch-Familiar bond from the majority of people, as the witches tend to stay pretty hidden. I just think that that would be hard for them, as that's one of the most important aspects of their partnership. Sure they're girlfriends (or married, if they're older), but that magical bond is incredibly important to their bond and to who they are, so it can't be easy to hide that. They just want to fully be themselves :(

Things done in fanfic that annoys me:

Well, there isn't a lot of fic for them, so I can't really answer this :/

Things I look for in fanfic:

Just. The two of them realizing they like each other and figuring out how to fit their new romantic feelings into their established bond and how that might change their relationship, but that change is ultimately good

My wishlist:

Canon PLEASE give me canonical Frilda. Please. I'd even take a little blush on one or both of their parts. All I ask for is crumbs. Also, I really, really want a more in-depth exploration of the witch-Familiar bond and how that affects them both. And I'd like for it to be stated that it is a lifetime bond, and they accept and look forward to that. Please I need it

Who I’d be comfortable them ending up with, if not each other: 

They'd both end up with other girls (as I headcanon Frida as sapphic and Hilda as a lesbian), but I'm not sure who I'd want Frida to end up with. I do, however, have my kinda-canon kinda-OC Bethany, who I could see myself shipping Hilda with.

My happily ever after for them:

They get to stay together and be happy with the rest of their family in their own little Wilderness home and they don't have to face off against the Safety Patrol again (thanks, Gerda) and they can just be themselves without worrying about having to conceal their magic.

Fandom/ship/character asks

[you-misunderstood-the-beatles]

this definitely isnt a cry for help....but i lie sometimes

also beware bc its a short story so theres many many details in a lil bit of time...im not sorry

NOT EDITED I JUST THREW THIS TOGETHER...ITS 12:30 AM (no names are real, especially mine lmao)

Hi, I'm Georgie and I'm not sure why the universe decided to do this to me…let me explain. I have spent my whole life trying to figure out where i can be myself naturally and fully but when i finally thought i found that space, i was so insanely wrong that i felt stupid. I found Maeve and Grace at different times. I met Maeve about a month after I found this "special place" and i found Grace around a year into doing it. My special place was a stage. I found love for acting and singing and dancing in front of countless people. Theater was my home, and I cherished it the best I could.

It was a mentally stimulating hobby. I got to focus one one specific thing for months on end and it was amazing…until I met Camille, that is. Camille was the epitome of textbook basic bitch. She had long brown hair, big brown eyes and she had a lot of money, courtesy of being related to the mayor, of all people. She went to a private catholic school and was pretty popular there too, from what I had heard from Maeve, who had also gone to the same school for a really long time.

Maeve and Camille were attached at the hip. And sure, I could be projecting my own insecurities into this but to be honest, Camille has never liked me, and I've known that. For almost a year I was a threat to her only lasting friendship she had ever experienced. Especially since she's a toxic bitch and one of the reasons she hates me beyond reasonable doubt is because at that point I had been the only person ever brave enough to call her out on it.

Camille was absolutely, positively a bad person.

Sure I wasn't as talented or experienced as them but at least I tried…Camille, Maeve and Grace started getting closer after about 4 months of me being friends with Grace. Grace had been one of my main confidants. She listened when I told her about my family problems or friendly problems, and I did the same for her. We trusted each other…or so I thought. After we finished with our spring show for the year we had a party where the entire cast was invited. A 'cast party' dare I say…

At this cast party we had nearly the whole cast of the show there, including Maeve, Grace and the one Bitch to rule all Bitches, Camille. I avoided them, for the most part, I had other friends i was allowed to hang out with. One of them being a girl named Livvy. She was sweet and she was good at singing and acting and being a friend. She was good. She was younger than me but so were Maeve, Grace and Camille so what's new?

Livvy was quiet unless with friends, which made me glad to be considered one of hers because I got to know the true Livvy… Sure she could let her slightly chaotic nature show in dramatic bursts but i enjoyed that about her. Livvy reminded me of Camille if she was a good friend or person. Livvy listened but we weren't super close, not like how I was with Maeve or Grace but we were good together, we contrated perfectly and our naturally polite personalities didn't ever clash which was relieveing.

Another girl I'm friends with who was there is Lilly. Her and Livvy had been friends since they were 3. They talk about it a lot, I don't mind it though. It's fun getting to hear about things they've enjoyed doing together for years! It just sometimes makes me sad that I never get close enough to people for them to enjoy my presence or if we do get close enough something, or someone, happens and they don't care anymore. Here's where the story comes in more.

There's another girl to introduce though…her name is Jaqueline. She's small and young and blonde and talented but, just like Camille, she's an asshole.And just like Camille, she hides her bitchyness with talent and sweet talking the older people in her life to get what she wants. Oh and I forgot to add…both Camille and Jaqueline got leads…

I got to the cast party so so so excited to finally get to hang out with Maeve without Camille watching like a hawk but sadly Camille was there, fortunately she was hanging around Jaqueline and a girl named Laila who follows her around everywhere anyway. I finally was able to chill with Maeve and Grace they started walking away or acting like I wasn't even there…shitty thing to do, I know. But it isn't like I need their attention…they are just some of my best friends I have so of course i wanted to hang out with them.

When everyone left the party me and my family were the last ones to leave, like always, and when we had gotten home i got a call from Maeve and it went something like this: "Hey, Georgie! Me and Grace just found out we're cousins!!!" "Uhm, what?" "Me and Grace are fourth cousins!!" "Look, that sounds great but I have a question for you…" "yeah sure, what is it?" "I heard you and grace talking about having a sleepover earlier, is she staying at your house tonight?" "Yeah! why?" "oh, no reason…congratulations on finding out you guys are cousins i guess but i just got home and im exhausted…im gonna go." "ok byeeee"

They met because of me. I created this mess. I've been telling Maeve we should hang out here and there and she's always "busy" but as soon as her and Grace click they're having sleepovers? Bullshit. Absolute bullshit.

Maeve is the one who has said over and over for more than a year that if she didn't have me she wouldn't know what she would do…and then she ignores me on purpose and treats me like I'm nothing but gum on the bottom of her shoe….

Why me? Why make me go through so much just for me to regret every last desicion I've ever made…? Why?

I don't even know how to recover from this stab straight to the heart…what do I do? I've only ever turned to Maeve and Grace for my problems…what do I do now?

[cinderfeather]

20 Questions For Writers

Yay, thank's for the tag @sinvulkt! I've seen this going round and been hoping to participate.

1. How many works do you have on AO3?

21

2. What’s your total AO3 word count?

81,221 words! That's basically a novel, although split out across many shorter works.

3. What fandoms do you write for?

Almost all my works are Star Wars (Luke & Vader or occasionally prequals Anakin), then DC (Superman). I only have one fic about Superman posted, but I do have quite a few drafts about him.

I also try to write origional works, but I find it a lot harder to create something I feel is as compelling without having 'the iceberg of canon' beneath it. (Granted I've made a lot of progress on trying to write origional works since I started writing fanfic.)

4. What are your top five fics by kudos?

Operation CHEER LUKE UP AFTER BESPIN (Star Wars OT)

282 kudos

This was the first fic I ever posted. I do want to finish this one, but I'm currently facing a challenging plothole, so I keep waiting till I've finished up whatever other WIP I'm working on, and then after finishing a WIP I want a break before coming back to writing a fic again, except that after a break I come up with another WIP idea…

2. Whose Propaganda is it Anyway? (Star Wars OT)

134 kudos

I'm surprised this beat Mistaken Son-dentity, given that it gets quite serious toward the end. But rereading it again I forgot how fun the first part was, and the way the first line eches the last.

3. Mistaken Son-dentity (Star Wars OT)

120 kudos

I love the crack in this one, I often think back on it if I need a way to cheer myself up but don't have access to my Ao3 bookmarks (given that I wrote it it's much easier to play in my head).

4. Skeptics of the Force (Star Wars OT)

119 kudos

I'm very proud of this one. It's the longest thing I've ever finished, and it grew from what I thought would be 7,000 words to 36,000 words. I edit very slowly so that was a Marathon! The plot and foreshadowing was very complex, so by the end it I was playing whack-a-mole with all the inconsistencies.

5. Hide (Star Wars OT)

111 kudos

I'm surprised this one was so well loved, it's very short and I was hesitant to post it because it felt a bit unfinished and like just the start of something. So I'm glad I did!

5. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

Yes, occasionally I miss some but in general I try to keep up with them. If someone gives me unsolicited constructive critisim I generally don't reply, but I'm reluctant to delete their comment.

6. What’s the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

Hmm. So there are several top contenders:

Initially I thought The Haunting of Order-66 might be it, but then I realised that while that was one of the angster ones, it actually had quite a hopeful ending.

Alone is sad, but I don't quite feel it has the gut punch to be the top contender.

Ghost is also pretty up there, but I'd say the ending leans more into horror than 'angst'.

The above two lean into 'not getting there in time', but I think the betrayal in 'Can't Go Home' elevates the angst to another level. (I double-checked The Right Hand of Justice because it Very Much explores betrayal, but the acceptance and teeny tiny thread of hope laced into the end knocks it from first place.)

So Can't Go Home is the winner!

7. What’s the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

Hmm. I think Rivers of Lava, Rivers of Life has a beautiful ending.

8. Do you get hate on your fic?

There's a lot of imaginary hate in my head when I'm working through those last few edits before I post something 😅. Occasionally people have said they didn't like some of the ways my characters behaved, but I think it's mostly just being annoyed at them, not at the fic.

9. Do you write smut?

I don't have any posted, but there is some in my drafts. If I edited some I'm not sure if I'd post it under this account or make another I keep separate.

10. Do you write crossovers?

Sort of. I stumbled across the song 'I Know Those Eyes/This Man is Dead' (from The Count of Monte Cristo musical) and instantly went 'This has EPIC Vader/Padme reunion vibes. I promptly went and wrote a fic based on those vibes alone, and then after I finished I watched a film adaptation and read the book so I finally knew what was going on (because I knew if I looked up what was happening before I wrote the fic my perfectionism would get in the way and I'd never end up writing it).

Now, after reading the giant tome that was The Count of Monte Cristo I have an idea for a more accurate crossover called 'The Sith of Monte Cristo,' but (as I predicted) I feel too overwhelmed to write that one.

In addition, when I read Hamlet last year for the first time in my life, I was entranced and sketched out a Luke!Hamlet AU, but I also feel like that might be quite a bit of work so I haven't been motivated enough to write that either.

Finally, The Right Hand of Justice technically falls into the crossover category on Ao3, but it doesn't feel like a myth retelling makes sense to label a 'Crossover'.

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

If Ao3 ever been scraped as a dataset into a Large-Language-Model.

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

Not yet, I can only speak one language. Feel free to offer if you'd like to translate one of mine, though!

13. Have you ever co-written a fic?

Not yet!

14. What‘s your all-time favourite ship?

Um, does 'Superman/anyone' count? I love Clois, but sometimes I wish there were more AUs so it wasn't just Superman/Reporter all the time. I also love a good Clex, the enimies-to-lovers angst is delicious. I am super down for Superbat - it has the double the Identity Shennagins from Clois with a light dose of the Enimies-To-Lovers angst from Clex.

However, this might be weird, but I'm really, really down for Superman/Female Origional Character, just someone fun and quirky and quite fleshed out but a bit different to Lois's personality (because I have read mountains and mountins of Clois and while it's amazing I sometimes get a little bored of the narrowness of reporter life and the 'in love with Superman, in friends with Clark' tropes). I have a few drafts of this, but then I worry that a female OC in fandom won't be very popular so I don't clean them up 😅

15. What’s the WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

Um. Um. I mean I want to finish 'Cheer Luke Up' and I will, okay, I will. It just could possibly take up to quite a number of years before I get back into it. I'm getting faster at editing, so one day it might not take that much work to finish up. I think it's just past the half-way point at the moment.

16. What’s your writing strengths?

I'm really proud of a lot of the cosmic horror I've done! I think it has a great sense of a slow buildup of dread, and then some really unique and otherworldly horrors, tinged with just the right amount of wonder and awe.

17. What’s your writing weaknesses?

Perfectionism. The initial draft isn't too hard, but it usually takes at a minimum a full week of being mostly focused on it to months for anything above 5k words. It tends to exhaust and frustrate me so much.

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language for a fic?

Haven't done it yet (unless you count me makeing up stuff that sounds like Latin or outright using Latin in one or two sentences). As long as it fits well, but I think excessive use of it could frustrate the reader.

19. First fandom you wrote for?

Star Wars Origional Trilogy

20. Favourite fic you’ve ever written?

Aaaaaahh. I think Stride of Terror is an awesome 'Vader captures Luke' fic, 'Cheer Luke Up' is the silliest, wildest, unhinged crack, Skeptics of the Force gazes into the abyss, and The Sith in Yellow is a really impressive piece of cosmic horror.

I'm going to say Skeptics of the Force, because out of all my fics when I think about how to bind one into a book it's that one that I want the most.

Tag time (if you wish to): @andyboops, @insertmeaningfulusername, @smolavidreader, @overallobsessiveness, @softlysuited, @softieskywalker

[marshmallowprotection]

I think part of the reason I love Saeyoung is because he's so complicated.

For a lot of people with autism (not sure if I do this or not myself), there's a concept of masking. From how I understand it, it's basically putting on a facade of normalcy- pretending and acting like everyone around you is to fit in. Personally, I've always been able to sense if the person I'm meeting for the first time is faking it or not- like "They don't seem genuinely nice, even if they're smiling and acting friendly. Something is off." Basically, noting people have multiple masks for multiple situations- I'm pretty sure I do.

Saeyoung has constantly been swapping masks and putting up a facade of who he is, that he doesn't truly know who the real him is.

Is he the silly and energetic 707, who is rarely serious and always joking?

Is he Luciel- a cold, calculating hacker genius who will do anything to complete his mission, and who has a sadistic side to him?

Or is he Saeyoung, the dreamer, the inventor, the child who had to grow up too fast and too soon? Who wants to be at his brother's and his soulmate's sides?

Basically, SE and AE Saeyoung is a Saeyoung whose masks merged into one, no longer allowing him to hide away his true self, which is all three.

Masking is hard. It drains you of your energy to feel like you need to be someone else. It makes you frustrated, sad, and upset that there are people who don't or refuse to understand and adapt to your own needs. You have to present yourself to the world as someone who is 'acceptable' and hide facets of yourself to avoid bullying, shaming, or judgment. We're all different around different people, but... it's hard to explain this experience in terms of neurodivergency.

It's more than it seems. It's not like 'acting one way in front of your parents and then in a different way in front of your friends.' It's a big mask that feels like you can never take it off. You mask to survive in any way you can, but it drains you of your energy by the time you're home and can unmask. God knows I lose my energy all the time like that. Finding people who you feel safe enough to unmask around is a good thing. It's tough, though.

Far too many people feel afraid to do it.

I know a lot of people feel akin to Saeyoung in that sense, and I'm not surprised to see HC for Saeyoung that way. It makes me smile when I do see it because it's nice to know that we can see ourselves in our favorite characters. No matter how you angle it, Saeyoung's masks of survival feel like an experience many neurodivergent people feel, and for someone who is autistic, I'm sure he is a comfort to them.

I feel the same way about Saeran. He struggles with compulsive thoughts and many other things that I do and having him makes me feel... seen.

Saeyoung unmasked is a beautiful sight. I hope he gets to enjoy being himself, all of himself, and everyone works to love him as he is, not just as 1/3 parts, but as a whole. For Saeyoung MCs, I know y'all see him that way. You see his complete self and love that for him, so hold tightly to him, okay? Make sure he's happy as all three come to make Saeyoung full.

[skittlesmcgee]

I have a sad.

I have a sad. I'm not going to say that I am sad because I am not my emotions. I have a sad. The weird thing is it's not like any sad I've ever had. Don't get me wrong. I just sobbed in the shower, as one does who is having a sad. And a few times today, the sad has leaked out of my eyes. But it's a different sad. I knew this wasn't long-term. We both did. And we are still friends, really good friends. I still take care of his cats when he travels. I'm sure we will get together with mutual friends. Pretty sure we are reading buddies now. I'm sure that when his world gets too quiet, I will drink his coffee on his couch and add nonsense and stories to his world on a Sunday afternoon, get a hug, and drive back home. But this is a different sad because there is a lot of good that came out of this. I finally turned several corners. In order to prove to him that my end-goal was not to move in together, I had to settle into my place. I had been living in liminal spaces for so long. I had moved out of the life in Iowa long before I really left, so many years of one foot out the door. I knew I wasn't going back to Iowa but I wasn't sure this was where I was staying. (More one foot out the door) He made it clear that moving in was not an option, not that I even considered it. (Seriously, I don't want to trip over anyone's shoes or have them fuck up my toothpaste.) So I proved that I wasn't looking for that by finally nesting. I pulled out things that made me happy and hung them up. I got rid of the "sorta works" furniture and got pieces that make me happy, that suit my life here. I bought more towels, cleaned drawers, put away stuff that isn't really a part of my life anymore. For a few months, I got to experiences pieces of an intimate relationship. Not a sexual relationship but an intimate one. That's twice in the last year that I've had glimpses of what that looks like. That's twice, in a fairly short time, the universe has showed me what I've been missing all these years and then the possibility of that continuing beyond friendship was removed. Psych!!! I started working out again. I'm making better food choices. I started taking better care of me. I've been in survival mode for so long. I finally started living again. The kind of living that doesn't involve finding brain chemicals in food. Probably the most important thing to come from this was me being absolutely me. I didn't hide. I didn't change. I didn't try to be something I'm not. I spoke my needs. I asked for things. I advocated for myself. I was safe in a relationship. I know how that feels now. I know I can't and won't settle for anything less.

I have a sad today and probably that sad will hang around into the week. But I am not my sad and my sad is not me.

[wild-houseplant]

romanticism asks, 5 10 15 for Rhodri!!

Hi hello thank you for stopping by!! :D :D Ok let's see!

5. What character from myth or fairytale best represents them? I'm going to be honest here: I couldn't find anything especially close to Rhod, either from memory or scouring the oul' internet. Honestly, the best I could get was the Tolkien legendarium. While, on a technicality, it wasn't intended as mythology, two characters strike me as very similar to her: Elrond, who is quite a firm but kind sort who's forever got his head in a book; and Glorfindel, ageless and joyful. And, it must be said, someone who might come across as a bit flippant and devil-may-care to onlookers. >_>

10. What piece of moody poetry or novel quote best encompasses your character? I don't think a moody anything encompasses Rhodri very well tbh, because she's got a pretty sunny sort of personality when all's said and done. But to encompass the moody/sad bit of her, I'll dive into the autism angst and stick in a snippet from the short story "Flowers for Algernon." In this particular part, the intellectually disabled protagonist, Charlie Gordon, has been recently made aware that people he thought were being kind to him were, in fact, mocking him. Rhodri, though not intellectually disabled, has had quite a few occasions where she thought she was fitting in, only to find out the hard way that she absolutely wasn't, and it panned out quite similarly to this. cw for emetophobia

"I didn't know what to do or where to turn. Everyone was looking at me and laughing and I felt naked. I wanted to hide myself. I ran out into the street and I threw up. Then I walked home. It's a funny thing I never knew that Joe and Frank and the others liked to have me around all the time to make fun of me. Now I know what it means when they say "to pull a Charlie Gordon." I'm ashamed."

15. What is a common misconception about your OC? (Alternatively, what do people assume about them which is either incorrect or misconstrued?)

Gosh, that's a good question. I won't rehash the whole resting bitch face/Terrifying Vint thing, because lord knows I do that often enough in the longfic.

One thing I do think people might get wrong about her is that she's inflexible to the point of going to pieces when even the smallest thing is out of order, but I personally don't think that's true. Not entirely, anyway. Rhodri's got a handful of things that should be done in a certain order, but really, if some of those things are mixed around (dinner before washing, for example), she'll keep her discomfort to herself and power through it. Hell, she'll even enjoy herself once she's a few bites in.

It's only when everything else is going terribly wrong that she insists on having order over how she does things. Sensory overwhelm, the rest of the day's plans have gone to shit, had some terrible news... and really, when anyone has a day like that, they need something to bring them a little comfort. Getting things back in the right order is soothing for her because in such an unpredictable world, having control over her schedule means she at least knows how the rest of her shitty day will go.

At the end of the day, I really think Rhod's a rather live-and-let-live person. She won't force anyone to keep to her schedule. She'll even help people goof off-- and do it with a smile. I don't thinks he asks much of people, really.

[wardsbackpoet]

Okay heres the rest;

Thank you!!! Goodbye! Hope you have an amazing day night evening uh yeah!!! Hope you have a great wonderful [uh]!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Static: Yes, definitely a part of one of the playlists I’ve built myself for Tweek. I may be mistaken, but I think the first time I heard it was on recommendation of butterwholesomesurfer, who also has drawn amazing art of the fic.

No way out: I love T.S.O.L. who doesn’t, right? Okay, a bunch of people who don’t know who they are, but who needs ‘em? Also, heck yeah, it fits. Tweek feeling he’s surrounded by danger and running out of places to hide from it? Yeah, it fits.

Constantly in between: I did not know this song, but yes, I can see it fitting, especially with the way you described, and with the ‘long way away always’ part and him feeling like maybe he doesn’t have a home so much anymore and he’s so far from what he’s known.

Scratch: That definitely makes sense and would be perfect for yeah, exactly that, him feeling the best he’d ever felt, and then losing everything all at once and getting shipped off to some town he doesn’t know and where he’s alone to just like, rebuild and literally start over from scratch.

Can’t decide: Oh, fuck yes. Just that. Yeah, nailed it.

Miserable failure: Oh yeah, definitely with his internal monologue of him just always fucking everything up, and also him just wanting to live life by rules that make sense to him—like, in the way he’s a bit of an anarchist/rule-breaker but he also strictly follows his own moral code—and he gets hate for it from some kids in South Park, especially. That makes a bunch of sense.

Can’t cheat karma: Holy Fuck I love Zounds and no one ever knows who they are gndkgbfdgbdqg fuck I like you. Also yes, this is definitely a Tweek song. I think it’s in that songs for later playlist, maybe. I dunno. I also considered Fear, for obvious (I think) reasons. Personal fave has gotta be Did He Jump or Was He Pushed/The Unfree Child/My Mummy’s Gone, or, or, Dirty Squatters. That one’s just a fun song.

Space ooze: Pretty self-explanatory, & I didn’t know this song by I added it in the songs for later playlist and in another one ‘cause the first is getting way too long & I don’t wanna ‘lose’ this song.

Conform: Oh, for sure, totally his (and my) jam.

Eyes in the back of your head: Oooh I haven’t listened to the adicts in a whiiiiile. So like, just yes, obviously.

I feel bad bein’ me: You know what? Like, yeah, he doesn’t like feeling sorry for himself, but a part of him still does. Like, sure, he stays sorta positive, or he gets angry instead of sad, but he still knows he missed out and it wasn’t fair and he should’ve had it easier. So like, yeah, I think it still fits.

Ghost: Yeah, I can see that, for like, all those times he feels like no one gets him and the only person who ever really saw him is gone, right?

Oh, as a bonus, 'cause I think I asked you before if you like Pete Bernhard, his song Orphan, right? I've never been much for followin' rules -yes, Tweek I always go out and act a fool -yes, Tweek, in his past And somethin' bad would happen by and by - Duh Can't say I'm always proud of myself -Yes, Tweek But I don't wish I was somebody else - Yes, Tweek In fact, I'd rather be me than you -Yes, Tweek But a lot of people don't like me - Yup, Tweek Not my music, I mean personally - Again, just yeah They wanna tell how to act and what to say - Yes, Tweek Would you rather be an orphan or a slave? - Well come on, he was basically a slave and now he's an orphan, pretty much. Would you rather be an orphan or a slave? - And also the fact it's in question form because he's sometimes missed his old life but really, when it all boils down to it, he'd rather be an orphan than a slave so like, yeah. Right?

Anyways, I'm planning to fit that one in at some point, hopefully.

[starcrossedmoonlet]

Hey wanna traumabond? I promise it’s not for blackmail /gen -Howl

TRAMABONDING, MY FAV <333 To be honest, I don't even care what people do with information about my past. As long as you don't actively try to hurt me with it I do not care. Anyway, uh, goodness, what to talk about... Well, my past wasn't really like, one overarching trauma or anything, more like a bunch of events jumbled together in my brain like an incoherent video game timeline. I'll just talk about some events. Some content warnings and notes: traumadumping (of an oc, but with projection of a little of my irl trauma mixed in, MOST of it is fiction), subjects of bullying, mentions of betrayal, drowning, brief mentions of a death and blood, but nothing is described or anywhere near graphic, kidnapping, physical injuries (broken bones?) (I don't know how to do the like, line cut thing so this will have to do.) So I should at least start by saying that when I first woke up and tumbled out of a coffin here and got admitted as a janitor here, I constantly disguised myself as a man. I told everyone my name was Kuiper Yuusonya, and since I had no records, no one would be able to tell I was lying. I am very good with hair and makeup, so I basically just cross-dressed and never told anyone that I was actually a girl. Eventually, as I felt more comfortable and safe around certain people, I began opening up, and eventually stopped trying to disguise myself as Kuiper... Part of it was also because I felt like none of my relationships were genuine because I was never truly "me" in them and also I was absolutely miserable trying to hide my femininity when I am, in fact, an extremely feminine woman.

So with that out of the way, leeeeet's get rolling! Let's start with the minor things, the overarching things... My parents were low-income when I was younger, so my mom was often at work while my dad stayed home due to being incredibly ill. I often worried Mom would never come back, since she worked like three full-time jobs or something. Regardless, I loved both of my parents so so much and they always did everything they could to provide for me and my older sister. My parents were never bad parents. They made mistakes but they're some of my favorite people ever. (sad I can't reach them from here... same with my sister she's really cool) School was rough for me. Not academically, I'm actually pretty book-smart and do just fine in most subjects. No, I'm talking about the relentless fucking bullying. See, I'm neurodivergent, but so is the rest of my family! None of us really acknowledged that we were out of the norm, and so I was never diagnosed. I always bonded with the "weird kids," who were almost always neurodivergent, physically disabled, or otherwise different from the majority of class. Because of this, I became a "weird kid" and got lots of shit for it. One time this one kid was getting all up in my face in PE and insulting me and stuff... I hit him with my jump rope and got suspended for it lmaooo There was this other time I was uncomfortable with how close a guy in my class was getting to me so I shoved my hand against his face and like, scratched his eye or something. I remember him crying and bleeding and me getting a second suspension. I think the main things I was made fun of for, other than that, was my desire to always trust people and be kind to everyone, which often led to me being taken advantage of and then laughed at for believing, and the fact that I'm short. I'm 5'1 now, and I'm NOT happy about it, but back then I was like, the second shortest kid in class. Constantly got made fun of for that. So that's the overlying issues I faced. That's lead to an inherent distrust in people, a fear of abandonment, and insecurities involving my height. Fun! /s Anyway, specific events... uh... well..

Hey, there was that time I almost drowned because I was panicking and my foot got stuck! There were warnings of a shark in the area, I could SEE IT, and it was ACTIVELY GETTING CLOSER, and my ass was STUCK underwater. I ended up getting pulled out by an adult I didn't know and return to my parents without being harmed at all. I just... didn't wanna go swimming for a whiiile after that. (Now I realize the shark was probably just curious, I wasn't bleeding or wounded or anything so it had little reason to attack me, other than my violent thrashing. It wandered off eventually and no one bothered it.)

Oh and then I almost got swept out by some nasty waves that one time, got a safety tube thingy thrown at me. And then a similar thing happened to my dad on vacation once! He made his way back to shore on his own, but he was throwing up pretty much the rest of the day (as was I when it happened to me). Found out a few days later that someone actually died on that same beach that day.

Also I had a panic attack while snorkeling once, my mom had to drag me back to the boat before I inhaled too much water. I had several more not awesome incidents with the ocean, but they were all minor things. Since then I haven't gone swimming... ever. I hate the ocean. It's fascinating, but keep me away from it. Ironic that some of my friends include two eels and an octopus.

...

Suppose I can't avoid the big one any longer huh? Welp, that's okay. Another content warning just in case: kidnapping, physical injuries (broken bones maybe, idk what happened to him lmao) Okie dokie so.. this was maybe when I was... 12? I was not a socially aware child (I'm still not but I have more anxiety), and I know in hindsight I SHOULD NOT HAVE DONE THIS, but I wasn't thinking about this at the time.

So there was this ice cream truck that sometimes came through my neighborhood. Now, ice cream is my favorite FAVORITE food, so I always wanted to go get some from this truck. One day, I caught it before it passed by and asked for a cone, right? They said they had a lot of flavors and asked if I just wanted to come see what all they had instead of listing it all off. I don't like hearing lists of stuff like this because I never remember it all, so I agreed, yeah? They were friendly guys, always bright smiles on their faces, what was the harm? A lot, apparently. Anyway I don't wanna get into details but let's just say they were NOT friendly guys. I at least remember blacking out for a bit and waking up in the back of the car. It was moving, but I had no idea where we were. There was one of the guys in the back with me, and man the stare on his face still haunts me vividly. Anyway so long story short I bit the guy, grab his fingers and twisted them the wrong way until I heard a snap, then jumped out the back of the damn truck. We were on a mountain highway I did NOT recognize, so I just started walking in the direction we were coming from (after recovering from falling on the asphalt, which by the way I was pretty okay from? It definitely hurt a lot but nothing broke and I could get up. My dad taught me how to safely escape moving cars once by rolling out, so I did that y'know? Thanks Dad!) So, as I was walking down the highway, a police car that was probably off duty pulled over. A police officer stepped out and asked why I was, y'know, walking down the highway. I told her my situation and she offered to drive me to the next town where I could call my parents. I ended up riding in her car and calling my parents at the police station in the next town over, and then she drove me around to make sure I was okay (and to give me a stern talking to about stranger danger) while I waited for my parents. She ended up taking me to go get ice cream as well, she was really nice. Her name was Joyce. Anyway, eventually my parents arrived. I said goodbye to Joyce and my parents took me home. I ended up being alright, although it took a while to fully recover from what had happened (both physically and mentally), but oh it could have been so much worse. This is why I just. Don't like or trust men. And I also can't stand sudden physical touch as a result of this. I actually had some beef with Floyd because of this, since he kind of just hugs people without warning (cool bug fact I've punched or elbowed him a couple of times because he didn't warn me he was going to touch me lol). Don't get me wrong, I love Floyd's hugs, but I CANNOT do the sudden touch. I've spoken to him about this enough that he understands though, and he's been great with respecting that since we talked about it. As long as he warns me ahead of time, I welcome his affections.

So anyway, there you go! There's the Complete History of Comet's Past and Why she has so many Trust Issues (TM)! But hey! That's all in the past now! I have bigger things to worry about. Like waking up in a strange new world far from your family and almost immediately having to deal with several overblots, the aching knowledge that you are fundamentally different than everyone else here and will therefore never fit in, and fearing that you may never return to the life you knew before. Life's a blast for me! Just absolutely vibing! /s

[ang3l-core]

A little bit bitter

Really sad isn't it ? how one of the things that I feel like can really make me feel the most unhappy at times whenever I'm reminded of it's existence had to have such an unfortunate truth in which I was told about when I was bit younger a couple years ago that there was pretty much nothing that I could do about it

And I guess I'm just a little bit bitter I suppose and still even now because for years I have basically had to sit back and just watch while something I had a predisposition for that was embedded in my genetic code progressed into even more and more worse illness and kept on overlapping and causing problems until it had took over my whole body

A disease in my connective tissues that are connecting me, so tightly woven like a fabric so it could make sure to be together with me forever permanently for eternity

Perhaps even after death, so I don't even think I could even ever give some of myself away to save somebody else

So in some way I kind of feel sort of like guilt or shame about it

Cuz back when I was a kid all I wanted to do was donate but now I honestly don't think that that's ever gonna happen because I don't really want anyone to be inheriting what had been little by little eating at me away

Anyways I didn't want this to feel like I'm just tryna be like really bleak or morbid

I just feel like at my core in reality having this for me this is what it is

I could try to hide it from people and you could just see only the smiling version of me

But what you wouldn't see from looking at the warmth in my eyes are also all the moments where I still feel horrible and emotionally torn because how this has progressed for me so far has been heart-wrenching

I feel like honestly I am still struggling with coming to terms still with how this is how life is for me

I wanna still have hope that I actually can do this and I can make it through this, like how it's all been affecting me like mentally and physically

But I think I have somewhat given up hopes on ever escaping this thing because in a way somehow I guess that interchangeably that u could say really I am it or it is me

And also I guess that it's still apart of my body so it's a part of me so as the years go by and it's progressing and changing along with me

I've been tryna relearn to still love myself with it but it hasn't exactly been easy

Now after all the days, months and another whole calender goes around again I am proud to say that at least I've been managing it enough to prevent any more prolonged hospital stays

Even though I will still have alot of flare ups sometimes and bad days

But again I would say that it's alot more comfortable trying to take care of it in not an uncomfortable bed with cold rails somewhere with super noisy surroundings but in the comfort of my own home

Which for me is still a little bit better just being in a space that for me is more normal around things that make just a little more happy because it's about quality of life you know

There are sometimes though for me when going through this gets to be alot for me and very lonely and "hell" just honestly sounds like another word for my vessel

But I mean what more can I do when I'm already doing my best ? it's never a feeling that really goes away but I just try to learn to cope

And the best that I think I can do for now is just keep on making sure that I hang in there and if everything's gets too overwhelming for me in the moment I'll just try instead just focusing on one thing at a time

And just keep on trying to wake up everyday and take care of myself and then after today I can focus on tomorrow

[camillewasthere]

april 28 2024

It's 10pm and I'm about to get high. In a few weeks i'll be 32 years old. What a wild time.

When I got back from the gym today I was looking at baby pictures of Jannika and I. I look at baby version of me and I get kinda sad. I'm looking at a girl with not a clue what's in store. I want to protect the baby version of me from the world. It's sad to realize how things happen. That in order to be a well rounded person, you have to experience all things.

One memory I think about a lot when I was a child was when I got little papers, scissors and random art supplies and put it in a little ziploc. I wanted to hide it for some reason. I don't know who would want to look for a ziploc bag of art supplies. I decided to hide it on top of my uncle/grandma's vanity which was high as fuck. Probably a foot awat from the ceiling. When I tried to hide it, the bag fell. And I never found it again.

I was such a shy child. I always made sure to be mindful. To be aware. I was always watching everyone else. Always conscious of the space I took. Never feeling part of the crowd. Somehow always fake. Just observing. I love baby me. And I think if baby me knew the person I would become, she would be proud. She would want me to be happy and chose the road that brings fulfillment. She would probably think I was pretty. She would probably watch me do my makeup. She would be content with just being there with me.

I have been in my head a lot lately. Constantly strategizing. Thinking about what's next. What move is the right move. It's funny how much it consumes me. But how little I convey on the outside. People only see the product but never realize how long the process took.

Moving up to the bay area has been weighing heavily on my mind. Last time I went to visit I remember how much I liked being there. It felt more home-y to me.

Cons: It's colder Bears on hikes lol Probably more expensive Miss Daniela!

Pros: Better food Paid more Shady hikes Probably find the loml lol New cities to explore Easy way to go north or south to go on trips Less white people lol

Wow putting it out on a list like this actually makes it seem way more desirable. I can't wait to find a place I can furnish. With a washer dryer. No carpet. I'm so excited.

Before I end this I do want to at least talk about how i've been feeling.

It's been almost 6 months since the break up. He's still living here until our lease is over at the end of June. It's a conflicting feeling. Every day that gets closer, the more nervous I get about the plan with the dogs. But when I think about him being gone, all I can feel is excited. It's like I can finally be free of that energy. I can't wait to fix up my space. To be in my thoughts alone at home. So happy I have the dogs to protect me and keep me company. I don't really feel lonely. I know that will likely change once he's actually out of here. But for a long time before we broke up I was already doing so many things alone. It's liberating to be single honestly. I have almost zero desire to be with anyone. I say almost because I continue to be intrigued by the idea of Lori and Bre's friend and I being together. I don't want to imagine this as something more than it is, which is literally nothing lol. But it does seem like a possibility. I have to let my mind leave it at that. Old me would continue to obsess. New me wants to focus on what is good for me. What will make me happy. Because ultimately I want to be able to be so content with myself that anyone who seeks after me will only be an addition. I've settled for soooo long with too many guys that weren't right for me, whether they were good or bad. There's a reason they all didn't work out. Including long lost air force man. I need to allow my brain to understand that concept. The common denominator with all of those relationships is me. My physical self would constantly make deals with my emotional self that would lead to me staying for longer than I should have.

What's wild is, despite all the break up's i've had, I think the one with flannel mustache boy was the worst of the worst. Thinking about that relationship makes me wanna throw up to be honest. He was so handsy and gross. So flashy. Literally i'm barfing right now imagining how others saw us.

Anyway, yeah I'm stoked to be on my own. I love being home alone. Having a space all to myself is gonna be such a nice little vacation.

xx me

[probablymystories]

[retrieved 1]

A morning with flappy friends 🐘

''Going to the mountains is going home.''

At 8am, our guide collected us and we drove about 1 hour to reach the sanctuary. It was a few kilometers away from Kulen Mountain.

The van stopped and dropped us here at the bamboo bridge to the safe haven. I could not hide the anticipation and excitement to see elephants for the first time in my life. I had quite a history with the majestic beings as a baby. As told by my mother, I was too sick to be treated by medical procedure and so, she cradled me in her arms and risked crawling under an elephant's tummy three times in hope that the good fortune would save me. Superstition at its best, but there's nothing wrong with having a little faith along the way. Maybe that's part of the sole reason why I grew up with so much love, attachment and respect for these gentle giants.

Here at Kulen Elephant Forest, I had one magical day of my humble human existence. Never once in life, I have imagined to have this day.

It was special, extraordinary and most of all unforgettable. I would never forget the elephants, the warm welcome, the friendly atmosphere all staffs set out and the therapeutic scenery. Thank you, KEF team.

We arrived at the welcome house and were served with coffee and tea while our guide was giving us a brief introduction about the place and safety measures.

"Take life one cup at a time."

Even at a place where all the signals couldn't reach, you can still take a cup.

No distracting noises or constant chatters, it was just trees swaying in the wind, birds chirping and the rustling of dead leaves. That cup of coffee healed.

"You were so happy you cried."

I want so little from life, and in that I have been happy and content. Most parts of it are filled with amazing people, how so, never before I felt this much elation rushing through me with anyone, not even with myself. That day at the sanctuary, the void inside of me began to seal off.

I remembered I teared up the moment I saw those majestic giants and I know fairly well those tears bursted out of overwhelming happiness. This was everything I have always longed for. Getting to see elephants and patting them.

Beings of peace, compassion, kindness and patience. The biggest yet the most humble. Elephants are truly one of a kind.

"If you find something precious, you have to hold onto it with all your might."

A hug on their trunks was absolutely my most cherished memory. I love the roughness of their skin, the muscular segments of their trunk. Every detail about them just made me fall in love. I fall for the moment, for the encounter, for the fact that I was in physical contact with an elephant and not through screens.

I feared them tremendously just like I feared all other frightening animals, but love was bigger than fear. They say elephants never forget, so i hope all these magnificent ladies remember me, our hugs, and words I whispered when my heart was closest to their sensitive trunk.

One of elephants is over 60 years old and my heart warmed up to hear mahouts addressing her យាយ. Our granny elephant! I couldn't help but be reminded of my own deceased grandmother. I knew she would bond well with this granny elephant if she was there.

I also enjoy the playful interactions of mahouts and their elephants. When I looked at them, I saw true friendships.

What a joy to witness!

"I'm watching you. Always watching. Always."

She's always watching. Her pupil moved and followed you. I would be so creeped out if she wasn't an elephant.

Observant, quiet, gentle, calm and patient. The traits of these superior beings are what I adore the most.

When i age, i hope to age gracefully as these mighty ladies. Elephants don't give others pain, so let's live and age like our gentle giants.

I remember how my breath and heart stilled when I made my first eye contact with an ele. Such pretty sad eyes that carried many stories to be told. Just how divine it would be if we could hear the tales told by all these ladies.

I guess an elephant also has her moment when she could no longer keep up with many strangers invading her personal space and time. Same, elephant, same. 😢 What a concealing spot to hide! We totally couldn't see you.

"If you love someone, set them free."

Worked their whole life carrying tourists at Angkor, and now our elephants roam free.

Still under mahouts' watch, but the elephants could have the freedom they once had. Roaming the forest, eating whatever grows on their path, resting, playing, most importantly, loved and cared for by a team of big hearts. I could not be any happier for these gentle souls for the comfort they're having in their old age.

The trek through the forest alongside these giants friends was truly unforgettable, and i am still in awe that it happened. Seeing them up close while they are socializing with their peers, bathing, strolling and making a stop to graze at their own pace was an extraordinary experience.

I was worried the big flappy friends would crash us with one of their feet if we were in their way without them seeing, but it turned out that they were always aware and so careful when we were in range.

They would stop to graze or stuffed the nearby leaves into their mouth just so we had time to walk off their path. I tried to take selfies with one of the ladies, and she even slowed down for me. It was unbelievable to see how they all could express and possess such complex emotions just like humans do. At a very close distance, I realize how tiny and fragile we are as humans and how easily they could break all our bones if they intended to.

Just like humans, they also have elephants best friends and will travel as each other's companion. It was a lovely sight when the pair always sniffed around together out of curiosity. Our guide told us, only the best friend will come running if one trumpeted. Gosh! If my friends are nothing like elephants, i don't want them. blehhhhh 😆

; ; They're so happy being around each other. I am also happy.

''Whoever hurts elephants doesn't have a soul.''

Everybody are cool grown ups until mud bath. They floated themselves in the pool with their head under the water. Yes, we could see their big bums floating... *gasps*😩

They are so composed yet so goofy! Elephants are adorable as * 😭

That was the real luxury, sitting and watching elephants bathe in the sun.

After bathing, they would gather the sand with their trunk and sprayed all over their body and i was told, this is to keep them cool under the heat and to protect themselves from insects. Then, they headed off to munch on the green leaves again. We also made a return to the house and had our lunch prepared by the sanctuary.

I am so grateful for this memorable experience with elephants at Kulen Elephant Forest. Seeing eles up close in their habitat and walking alongside them are truly magical. Again and over, it's always been a joyous feeling to relive this memory.

Our visits give them the comfort, so please drop by the sanctuary when you are in Siem Reap. Bookings guarantee a tour.

I love every minute in this safe haven

and my heart is full.

09.01.2022

[anthonysstupiddailyblog]

Anthony's Stupid Daily Blog (525): Thu 24th Aug 2023

The first show of my Edinburgh Fringe journey Part Two: Day Two was a show at The Banshee by magician David Alnwick. I saw his show two years ago that was a horror story combined with magic tricks which I enjoyed greatly. However this time the show was a series of games involving members of the audience. I didn't want to join in but at the start of the announcement a voiceover told us that if we were chosen to participate in a game and we refused we would be asked to leave. I sometimes feel like I'm a reverse Rudolf the Red Nosed Reindeer kind of figure because all the other reindeers are constantly trying to get me TO join in with their reindeer games but I don't want to (by the way: what ARE the reindeer games described in that fucking song? If one of the reindeer games in question is hide and seek then you can kind of see the other reindeers point because they'll be able to find Rudolf straight away each time and that won't be any fun. Unless they play hide and seek in some sort of Reindeer Red Light District). Thankfully I didn't get to participate in any of the games and so I could just enjoy the show. At one point Alnwick handed out some cards with a list of embarrassing secrets written on and told the punters to find an embarrassing secret about themselves on the card they were given and amazingly he managed to guess which one applied to each punter. One of the secrets one of the participants had was that he's called out the wrong name in bed and when Alnwick asked what name he called out this guy replied "Mother". Half the room laughed and the other half (including Alnwick) just stared in disbelief at this guy for willingly embarrassing himself like this. Why wouldn't he just make up a name? I thought about shouting out "It's alright it was Theresa". This was a really great show and hopefully Alnwick goes on to become a big name in the world of comedy / magic. The final show I saw was called "Sunsets" and it was about a girl who started a podcast about her love of romantic comedies presenting her final episode. The show seems pretty straightforward as it starts but as it progresses it becomes apparent there's something more sinister afoot which I won't give away but it is a pretty good revelation. I had a train home booked for nine o'clock this evening but as four o'clock approached I started to feel a bit tired and to be honest felt like I'd had my fill of the festival for this year so I decided to book an earlier train home at six o'clock since at least then I wouldn't be super knackered by the time I got back to Sunderland (which would be at about midnight). I had a final walk around the city before boarding my train home and waving goodbye to Edinburgh for another year. In previous years I've felt sad upon returning home from the Festival knowing that it will be full 12 months before the next one (or 24 if there's another fucking pandemic…or even more if the next pandemic is worse than the last one). I've enjoyed my time here as I always do but in all honesty I've been carrying a feeling of lonliness with me this time around. Normally I love solo travel because it means getting to travel at my own pace and not having to wait up for other people but during this Fringe I've been feeling it would be nice if I had someone to share it with. Lately I've also been bemoaning the fact that I'm unable to converse with people…that I want to converse with. The first time I was here I couldn't even muster up the courage to talk to that beautiful American girl who was doing a show about how much she loved wrestling. I mean if I can't talk to her then what hope do I have? Over the next twelve months I need to make myself more interesting and get better at talking to people.