#it's physically impossible to stay serious past 1 am

[comikadraws]

What he said

What I read

[dangermousie]

Hello !

I was wondering whether you could rate and tell us of your top 5 favourite webnovels/cnovels of all time ?! (Sorry if this has already been answered lol😅)

Thank you, stay safe and have a nice day🖤

Awww, thank you and that is such a lovely ask!!!

From n1 to n5, here they are (they happen to be all danmei.)

1. The Husky and His White Cat Shizun (2ha) - my n1 forever and ever.

Taxian Jun, the horrific cultivation emperor of the world who razed cities and destroyed sects, is surrounded on his mountain. The righteous sects are terrified to confront him but tired of living, Taxian Jun consumes poison and dies by suicide at the age of 32. And opens his eyes as 16 year old Mo Ran, Mo Ran long before he became Taxian Jun, Mo Ran who is excited at a chance to save the one person he loved and lost. Oh, and to deal with his loathed shizun, the unapproachable and strict Chu Wanning, his past life’s biggest enemy.

I have no idea if it’s objectively the best on this list but it hits every trope I love, its bleak worldview (the world will change only incrementally but that’s enough, average person will not appreciate the sacrifice but it’s still worthwhile, and love is worth everything) mirrors mine, and the sheer complexity of the plot and cascade of plot twists each of which is insane and yet completely logical, is amazing (this is a rare novel where it’s even more fun to reread than read for the first time because you keep seeing all the hints and trail crumbs laid out that you did not see the first time.)

And the characters!!! I mean, this novel has multiple universes/timelines, a side trip to the Underworld AND the demon realm, a plot more twisted than a store’s worth of pretzels and yet the thing that hits me the most are the characters. Mo Ran is my favorite web novel character of all time and I love Chu Wanning so. All the secondary characters are wonderfully written (and some of them made me bawl) and they are all complex. My opinion of all of them changed many times over; the novel doesn’t make it easy to love some of them but then you do and it’s so worthwhile! That slow change is one of the delights of the novel - I started out disliking the unpleasant, superior Chu Wanning and cruel, callow Mo Ran and then I loved them so so hard and cried for them so so hard and was in awe of their heroism and sacrifice and selflessness and capacity to love.

Oh, and the fact that this novel does something almost impossible - it has its protagonist start out as so clearly irredeemable and then slowly and painfully and thoroughly redeems him (without ever letting the reader forget what it is he needs redemption for.)

Also, for a novel that made me cry so hard I felt ill, this book is just so damn funny with the most sarcastic sense of humor imaginable (the serious angst doesn’t even kick in until 90+ chapters!)

Anyway I should stop or I will write a dissertation. But this is the one web novel that I would put in my top 5 not just web novels but any novels in any shape or form. The plentiful trigger warnings are there for a reason so stay away if they are an issue, but if not, if anyone hasn’t read it yet, what are you doing with your life?!

2. Stains of Filth (Yuwu) - another novel by the author of 2ha. Clearly she just pushes all my buttons every time. This one is much shorter and has a plot that is twisty but less twisty than 2ha. Still, all that means is that intensity and the pain are more concentrated.

Aristocratic Mo Xi and former slave Gu Mang were both legendary generals of the empire and lovers. But Gu Mang betrayed the country and switched to the enemy. Now he is back as a peace offering by that country and Mo Xi has to deal with the fact that his feelings are as strong as ever.

This novel!!! So much pain and intensity!!! So many amazing plot twists and supporting characters. The same bleak world view, the same unjust society, the same protagonists doing right things despite the cost. Mo Xi’s intensity and inability to let go (he’s imprinted on Gu Mang and that’s it) is romantic, bone-shakingly intense, and tragic all at once. And oh Gu Mang! So many times I just wanted to reach into the book physically to protect him. The novel deals with unjust societies, memory versus personality, what it’s like to be good in a bad universe etc. And it both made me sob and giggle, repeatedly, and sold me on literally death-defying (but not honor-defying!) love.

Oh, and special shout out to the fact that like 2ha, you may start out hating some characters and end up a rabid fangirl (cough Murong Lian!)

3. Qiang Jin Jiu - a dense political tome that takes a while to get going but then it’s a runaway train.

In a fictional dynasty, Shen Zechuan, the only remaining son of a disgraced aristocratic family and Xiao Chiye, the younger son of a family of generals guarding the border join forces (and then something else) to get power and pull down the dysfunctional system.

This is so elegant and smart (a rare web novel I’d recommend to anyone who just loves solid period fiction) and you probably need a notebook to keep track of the politics and military strategy. These characters are very very smart not just because the author says so.

As to the characters, there is a large cast and I love many of them, but for me the novel is made by Shen Zechuan and Xiao Chiye. SZC is gorgeous and delicate and icy and can kill you before you have time to blink. Saddled with the sins of the family he had no pleasant interaction with, he claws his way out of hell (seeing the sinkhole he was trapped in, literally as well) to take down those who wronged him but also to amass power so all the tragedy and corruption won’t happen again and the whole rotten system comes crashing down. XCY is a military genius who is trapped as a hostage in the capital because the court doesn’t trust his family. He longs to return to the plains of home and to take his rightful place. The two men start out as bitter enemies, then reluctant and sniping allies, then as friends and eventually as one of the most gorgeous, tender, swoony OTPs.

Anyway this is one is a bona fide masterpiece, equal parts smart and emotionally intense.

4. Wu Chang Jie - are you an emotional vampire? I am and this novel is a banquet.

In a highly fantastical setting, we meet our protagonists - the sunny Xie Bian and the intense and surly Fan Wushe. Xie Bian is a human who assists his master in conveying souls to the underworld and making sure no mishaps happen. Bian is concentrated sunshine in human form and to meet him is to love him. When the novel opens, his drunk master brings back another human to be his shidi and assist with duties - said human is uncommunicative, intense and surly Wushe. Bian is excited to have a shidi but little does he know that a story dealing with the horrors of past lifetime is about to start.

Anyway, why WCJ? So many reasons. It has such a dark bleak worldview - this world is a horrifying system where powerful cannibalize each other’s cores for an impossible chance to ascend, where gods have sealed off their realm and all that’s left is neverending human misery and hell (the only way you’d see a deity is if they’d been sent down to suffer over and over and over), where even reincarnation doesn’t fix things and bad acts are often unpunished. And the novel then asks - is it worth being a good person in such a world? More, is it worth being a good person in such a world when nothing good has ever happened to you and you have been repeatedly betrayed due to your goodness? And the answer, on Bian’s part, is an uncompromising yes.

Ah yes, the other reason to love this novel - the protagonists and their fucked up fucked up relationship. Bian (who was Prince Ziheng in the past life) is so genuinely good. But he is that rare thing - good but not saintly, noble but not cloying. So much of the novel is his getting taken apart over and over and barely able to put himself back together every time but his soul is still as amazing as ever.

And then there is Wushe (who was Prince Zixiao in past life, Ziheng’s not-bio-related brother.) Wushe is not a good person. He is a monster. And he loves Bian/Ziheng more than his life and his soul and the entire world but he’s also the one who hurt him more than anyone else ever could and did it over and over. His love survived a literal century of torture in the worst kind of hell and refused the usual memory loss of new life. But it also humiliated and broke Ziheng down to his constituent parts.

One of the things that is so fascinating to me about this novel is the question of what can be forgiven/what should be forgiven/what kind of expiation is enough/can you ever love someone who you loved so much and then he hurt you so badly and is now repentant? And it never sweeps trauma under the rug or hand waves it away but deals with it head on.

If you want healthy relationships, you should stay far away from this novel but if intense insane ones with a feral barely human one capable of destroying the world leashed by love and guilt to the sane deeply good one is your bag, come right in.

There is also the world building and the fact that yes, the big fall out between Ziheng x Zixiao is based on not knowing all the facts but it’s not “why can’t you talk?! This is dumb!” But is totally in keeping with both events and their characters. It’s reasonable for Ziheng to do what he does and for Zixiao to misunderstand and decide Ziheng is now his biggest enemy (but still one he’s fixated on) and for Ziheng to never be able to clarify.

Anyway, once again this is trigger warning central so please heed those, but if they are no issue, this one is wonderful.

5. OK, this is hard and switches between Sha Po Lang, Heaven Official’s Blessing and The Golden Stage depending on my mood. So what the hell, I am gonna write about all of them.

Sha Po Lang - so smart and so much clever world building. There is enough politicking to satisfy a Qiang Jin Jiu fan, it’s steampunk, and our two protagonists - Gu Yun, the empire’s most powerful general, who’s loyal to the empire despite being badly wronged by it, and Chang Geng, a cursed prince with barbarian blood and horrifying childhood - are wonderful separately and together. This is a huge slow burn but it’s totally worth it! They fall in love with each other’s hearts and brains and ability as much as anything. (Yes, this is the one with the yifu thing. Gu Yun is made Chang Geng’s foster father when he rescues him and brings him back to the capital as a way to keep CG safe in imperial strife. They are 12 and 19 at the time so clearly it’s never a parental relationship.)

Heaven Official’s Blessing (TCGF) - I love it’s sprawling narrative and cast, I love its inventive setting and picaresque story. It’s hilarious and can make me cry. But the novel’s place on this list is due to Xie Lian who is part Kenshin part drama WWX part pure goodness wrapped in heartbreak and trauma wrapped in sunshine.

The Golden Stage - two smart and principled (yes, they both have principles different though they may be) men navigate their arranged marriage, their past friendship and their past break up, become a super couple (one of the healthiest danmei couples I’ve ever read and proves healthy doesn’t have to be boring), save the country and bring down the emperor or two and just generally this is my rainy day book.

I guess I didn’t write as much for the three n5 candidates as I did for 1-4 but my brain is beginning to curdle so...

[bondsmagii]

I have to disagree with the idea that some autistic people are genuinely incapable of learning and respecting boundaries and consent, that's kinda infantilizing and honestly kinda ableist, even those who have low empathy and difficulty fully understanding boundaries can learn what's appropriate and how to respect people's boundaries (also most autistic people reject labels like "severe" "mild" etc bc of ableist implications, it's less a sliding scale and more like a salad bar of symptoms) (1/2?)

HOWEVER, in the case of Chris Chan it is true that she'd likely already have issues understanding boundaries and consent but what really makes the difference here is that, from the sound of things, she had so many people around her actively and maliciously destroying and distorting her conception and understanding of boundaries and consent which is an important factor in understanding the situation I think

(just to confirm this immediately -- "consent" is not just something for sexual situations. when I discuss consent, here as in the other asks, I am referring to all situations. I get the feeling that some people may be reading my responses through the lens of only sexual consent, which is not and has never been what I've been talking about.)

I gotta ask, just to clear things up: are you saying that when it comes to autism, there's no "salad bar" of symptoms possible that would make a person incapable of constantly and consistently learning and respecting boundaries and consent? I ask sincerely. I don't think it's ableist to say that when it comes to autism (and other things, like certain mental illnesses, personality disorders, or behavioural/developmental disabilities) there can arise situations where a person has symptoms so severe that they are incapable of acknowledging and understanding consent. this is not a malicious choice on their part, nor is it a conscious one -- it's merely an effect of a symptom. if an autistic person struggles with social cues and non-verbal communication, like Chris does, it's perfectly reasonable to assume that she cannot therefore deduce from body language alone that a woman does not want Chris to touch her arm. this is the kind of thing I'm referring to, by the way -- Chris is not groping or molesting these women. she's standing too close to them, looming over them too much, touching their arms, etc. I don't think it's ableist to say that her autism might have influence over why this was an issue for her.

going on from the constantly and consistently thing I mentioned before: this isn't a black and white thing. it's not "this person either understands consent and adheres all the time" or "this person doesn't understand consent and is incapable of respecting it". it's more a case of, to use some examples:

"this person understands consent most of the time, but when they get excitable they forget and become highly animated, grabbing their friends and pulling them around and being highly physical, despite their friend having told them in the past it makes them uncomfortable."

"this person understands consent most of the time, but when they become highly distressed they are prone to meltdowns, and this causes them to violate people's consent by, for example, barging into a sibling's room when they have been asked to stay outside."

"this person struggles to interact socially and has complex interpersonal issues which causes them to have difficulty relating to other people and understanding their thought processes, which results in them repeatedly doing something upsetting or harmful while genuinely not realising or understanding why it is upsetting or harmful."

"this person is totally fine with all issues of consent apart from one particular thing they consistently forget, despite their best efforts, resulting in them constantly interrupting their friends when speaking no matter how serious the situation is or how many times they have been told to stop."

"this person is aware that they don't necessarily understand social interactions or cues and has been trying to teach themselves how to improve, but because they have been self-teaching they make mistakes, such as always assuming you go in for a kiss at the end of a one-on-one interaction with a girl."

all of the above examples are ones I have witnessed or been guilty of myself (I am not autistic, but I have ADHD; the second-to-last bullet point about interrupting is a personal example). I really don't think it's ableist to acknowledge these things and keep them in mind, nor do I think it's ableist to point out that for many of us, the statistics on autism and associated behaviours are skewed. many autistic people on this website are... not like Chris. it's easy to look around and see your autistic friends and mutuals and safely say "no autistic person would ever act like this/have problems with that/misunderstand this". I know that none of my autistic friends and mutuals would ever act like Chris -- nowhere near. but there are many more autistic people out there who, while they might not necessarily act like Chris, they also might not be as capable of assessing situations like you do. there are autistic people out there who do struggle with such things, who will struggle to understand these things, and can and do cause people harm. it isn't ableist to acknowledge that with something as complex as autism, everyone's behaviour and needs are different. it is also not ableist to say that sometimes the symptoms of something cause a person to act inappropriately, or cause harm. at no time have I said all autistic people struggle with this -- just that some can and do. acting like this isn't the case is speaking over people who have been hurt by this kind of scenario.

as for the second part of your ask, totally agree. it's absolutely impossible to expect Chris to work out how to act appropriately when her entire world is being constructed by trolls encouraging her to believe falsehoods, advising her to always act in the worst possible way, pretending to be her friend, and taking absolutely everything she does in the worst faith imaginable. every time she tried to improve herself, they beat her back with increased ridicule and emotional abuse. it would be dishonest and outright malicious to view her behaviour without this context.

[snifflesthemouse]

I'm still rather new to Tumblr. While I've clearly displayed my ability to post my ramblings, I'm still figuring out the other various features of this platform. For the sake of reference, I have posted a screenshot below.

While I completely agree with @youhavebeenmarkled that it's grossly inappropriate to suggest Catherine, the future Queen Consort, is a drug addict... I want to add to the discussion and further develop why the concept of Catherine microdosing heroin is entirely ignorant.

@youhavebeenmarkled mentions several excellent points as to why the concept is ridiculous; from genetics to muscle tone and more. But there's deeper reasons why this idea of Catherine being on heroin is so far from the truth and reality, it's out of this world. Some could even argue it sounds like a page from a Hollywood script.

Before I get started, though, I want (and need) to stress a few things. I am in no way shaming anyone. As I've shared in the past, I am the last person in the universe qualified to pass judgement on anything or anyone. My posts are simply my perspectives, my opinions. I look at facts in the public domain, and with my own knowledge and life experience, I form my thoughts.

Please remember while you read this, I am not looking down on anyone. I am not bragging about knowing what drug addiction is or is not. I am only sharing some insights with you, the reader, on what real life heroin addiction is like. My only goal is giving insight.

I am not proud of my past, and I am not condoning it. Nor should you. Accountability is how I stay clean. Please do not feel like I am suggesting non-addicts are ignorant or "square". Not knowing or understanding heroin addiction is a blessing. It's a good thing to be in the dark about certain things because it means you're smarter than people like me.

Be proud of the fact you don't automatically see why these blind items are total nonsense from the start. And if you aren't proud of yourself, just know I am proud AF of you. For those of you like myself who have been through the hell of addiction, remember we do recover. With all that being said, let's get going.

You see, anyone with firsthand experience or knowledge of true heroin addiction would automatically know these rumors are absolutely ridiculous. Why? Because heroin addiction doesn't work that way.

Now don't get me wrong. The world is filled with functioning closet addicts. I myself was a functioning closet addict for years before the world was any the wiser. The key point, though, is the world did eventually get wiser.

Heroin addiction usually starts out in one of a few ways. Most Americans addicted to heroin became that way because of prescription painkillers. For example, I first got addicted to pain pills. When the pain pills became impossible to get, I took what I could get that was the closest equivalent. That was heroin.

But some people start using heroin because they did some at a party with friends. Or they have a loved one addicted and wanted to see what the fuss was all about. Some people are hooked on other drugs, like cocaine or ecstasy, and their usual dealer offers a free sample of the latest batch of heroin. There's a saying among addicts; "The first one's free."

Dealers know they can increase their profitability if they can get established clients addicted to other products they traffic. But these are just a few examples of how people get started using heroin. Very rarely does anyone start out on heroin simply because they want to stay thin. Contrary to the popular belief known to many as "heroin chic" that came from supermodels in the mid 80s and 90s.

Heroin is what addicts refer to as a euphoria narcotic. It has a euphoric effect, and it is sometimes called a "downer". Cocaine, crack cocaine, methamphetamine, or amphetamines are called "uppers" or "speeders" because they stimulate the brain and give energy. While heroin can have that affect on people, it is not the traditional go-to for illicit weight management.

In other words, if Catherine really did use microdosing (a concept I will debunk in a moment), her first, best choice would be a stimulant like cocaine because it's much more effective at appetite suppression and providing energy. Heroin wouldn't be the first, best choice for many reasons.

Because of its nature, heroin is highly addictive. Most users begin snorting the drug in powder form. Within seconds to a minute, the substance enters the bloodstream and hits the brain. The brain then releases endorphins that travel the rewards pathway in the brain. The first time one uses heroin is the highest they will ever feel from using. Every subsequent dose releases less and less endorphins in the brain. This is why recovering addicts talk about chasing their sobriety like they chased their first high. This is also why microdosing is an almost-impossible behavior.

Microdosing means taking tiny, small amounts over time. Meaning that you only use the minimum amount to achieve the effect you desire. But the problem is, your brain becomes physically dependent on the substance over time. Every time an addict uses, the brain gets more dependent on that substance to function. So, while a non-addict's brain has no issues with their brain producing endorphins, an addict's brain does. This is why heroin is so addictive.

Eventually, a heroin addict's brain will become so reliant on heroin to produce endorphins, the addict will become entirely dependent. This is also known as becoming hooked. When the addict doesn't have the minimum amount of heroin the body is accustomed to, or depending upon, the addict will start withdrawal. This is often called being "dope sick" or "detoxing".

Detoxing or being dope sick is the driving force behind addicts staying addicts. Being dope sick is the biggest fear of an addict. So much so, the fear of detoxing is enough to drive otherwise good, decent human beings to doing absolutely whatever it takes to avoid detoxing. Stealing from loved ones, manipulating innocent bystanders, lying, cheating, robbing, selling your body... are the half of it.

Being dope sick is like having the worst flu of your life times a million. You will vomit, have uncontrollable diarrhea, and your body will hurt worse than anything you could ever imagine. If you detox for more than a day, you will begin to feel like your insides are shaking, burning, and pulling apart inside. You can't sleep. You can't eat. You can't get out of bed. You miss work and lose your job (if you still have one at this point). You get desperate before this point, and you get carnal after this point.

Your brain and entire body becomes dependent on this substance to function subpar. Without this substance, everything begins to stop working properly. Depending on exactly how much you use normally, your withdrawal can become life threatening. You can have seizures, strokes, or even go into cardiac arrest. Hopefully you can see by now why I say the concept of microdosing is ridiculous.

To be able to micro dose would require the self control and willpower of a super human. This reminds me of an article I once read about a college professor who advocated for drug use. He claimed he wasn't addicted, had control of his drug use, and was a productive member of society. He said he'd use heroin like others drink after a long day of work. Yet, he's been using it for over a decade. Yet, he experienced detoxing. That professor is a prime example of an addict in denial. But I digress...

My points are this:

1. Heroin wouldn't be the first choice for weight control or appetite suppression; cocaine or stimulants like meth or ritalin would be.

2. Microdosing is an almost-impossible method of drug use because the body gets hooked quickly. Which means the dose will only increase in amount in order to have the same effects over time.

3. Heroin causes an addiction that results in serious, life threatening withdrawal that drives even the nicest person to doing the worst of the worst.

4. Heroin addiction, even in small amounts, takes no time to invade and overtake one's life. It literally only takes one time to get hooked. It literally takes no time to destroy everything.

Oh, and one more thing before I put a sock in it... at the height of my active addiction, I was using around 2 grams a day to feel normal. I spent at minimum $200 a day on heroin. Sometimes even more. When I started out, I was only using a tenth or less. It takes 10 of those to make a gram. So within two months of starting, I went from doing one tenth to needing 20 of those tenths just to feel normal and function. All the while, I never got smaller than 150 pounds.

I know it sounds terrible, but I would lament over how unfair it was. I was doing all this heroin, and I was still thick AF. I would literally joke to fellow addicts I would use with how it was total bullshit. How was it I was using 2 grams a day and still a size 12 or 14? That's how sick I was in my disease. Which is my final point.

Not everyone on heroin is "heroin chic" skinny. The effort, will power, and self control it would take to "microdose" would be far greater than what it would take to control one's diet and exercise. Plus it would be much cheaper to hire a trainer than employ a drug dealer.

I hope this very long, detailed, winded post gives better insight to the deeper reasons the blind item is so dumb. I also hope it gives insight to the real life of heroin addiction. My goal was, and is, to provide real examples to the blind item's absurdity. If I can help people better understand heroin addiction, potentially deterring someone from ever touching it or even a loved one learning something that could help someone they know struggling with addiction... well that would be a bonus.

P.S. If you or a loved one you know is struggling with addiction, there is help out there. If you have any questions or just need someone to listen, please feel free to message me. I will do my best to help. I've been there. They say the only way to keep your sobriety is by giving it away... I have plenty to give. Be forewarned, though, I am unapologetically blunt and honest to a fault. I mean no harm, but I will not sugar coat anything.

[gaemkyuu]

Of Kings & Queens (Part 5)

Warnings: none!  A/N: We’re almost to the end! I’ve already finished the entire series, just proof reading the last part but also contemplating if I should change the way it ends... Regardless, hope you enjoy this part!  AU!Prince Charlie Gillespie x Fictional Character Disclaimer: This is a FICITONAL writing piece! In no way do I claim characters in this piece act this way in real life.

Masterlist *now taking requests ;)

Part 1/Part 2/Part 3/Part 4/Part 5/Part 6

Olivia sat in her seat at the small dining table that was arranged for them in the atrium, lost in her thoughts. She wasn’t quite sure what possessed her to request this rendez-vous with Charlie in such a formal manner to her father and it bothered her that she was actually nervous. She had never felt this way before and it made her feel insecure. The desire to rule the Kingdom on her own had always been the forefront of her vision, yet before falling into a restless sleep she could only think about Charlie. Savannah was concerned this morning when she woke Olivia to get her ready for the day, as it looked like Olivia had barely slept. She took a deep breath and gave a big sigh, looking out the glass windows into the beautiful day and listening to the birds chirping.

“Am I interrupting something?” she jumped at the amused voice and immediately Charlie looked apologetic. “I didn’t mean to scare you... You okay?”

“Yeah, I was just thinking about stuff. Hungry?” Olivia had asked the guards and attendants to leave them in peace and that she would call on someone if they were needed. On the table in front of them were dainty pastries, both sweet and savory, along with a pot of tea. She frowned as she forgot to drink her tea and it now sat in its cup lukewarm. 

“Starving. Mind if I move the chair?” she shook her head no and instead of sitting across from her, Charlie now sat beside her. She made the first move by putting one of her favorite pastries on Charlie’s plate and then took one for herself. He poured himself a cup of tea, something Olivia had never seen another man do before. She admired his casualness around him, almost as though there were no formalities. Just two people having a nice breakfast, in the beautiful morning sunlight, enjoying each other’s company. “Guess I made quite the impression on you last night to be summoned to breakfast this morning?”

“I wanted to thank you, actually. I don’t know what would’ve happened if you didn’t follow me out into the garden. Savannah expresses her gratitude too, that’s why she gave us some extra sweets” Olivia couldn’t understand why she felt so excited. She was doing her best to maintain her composure, but she would be lying if she said that she wasn’t fighting the urge to bounce her leg.

“You didn’t need to put this on to thank me, but these strawberry tart are extremely delicious” Olivia giggled as she wiped a crumb off the corner of his mouth, the gesture making him blush. She thought that was extremely cute and she didn’t realize that she was smiling big for him, until he took another bite and smiled back smugly. Her face felt a rush of heat and she cleared her throat awkwardly. “So what’s on your mind?”

“What do you mean?” Charlie chuckled, but accidently inhaled while chewing and choked a bit on the flaky pastry, making Olivia laugh. Charlie sipped on some water and cleared his throat, making sure to dust off any crumbs on him.

“You have a beautiful laugh Princess” she flushed at his compliment and drank her tea hoping to hide her expression. “I mean it. It’s genuine, not snooty at all”

“Olivia is fine, and you’re being nice. I’ve been told I laugh too loudly” Charlie looked at her baffled and confused at the statement.

“What? How are you supposed to laugh, like hihihihihi” his high pitched imitation made her laugh again and he joined in on the laughter this time. They engaged in a ‘who could make the most ridiculous laugh’ battle and by the end of it they were clutching their sides and gasping for air. “You’re too funny”

“My lady?” they didn’t realize that Savannah had knocked on the door, and both of them froze for a moment, thinking their families had caught them being fooling around. “My sincerest apologies for interrupting, but it’s nearly time for his highness to meet with the rest of the Council”

“Thank you Savannah, we shall finish up quickly” Savannah gave her a sad smile, apologetic but duty called. Olivia’s smile faltered as the door closed, remembering that there was an important Council meeting between the Kingdoms of the Nation, but she wasn’t allowed to attend. Charlie noticed this and took her hand in his.

“Don’t let it discourage you Liv. If you could take my place, I’d let you. You’ll be a part of Council decisions one day, they’d be stupid not to let you.” She smiled at the nickname he had given her and at the words of encouragement. As much as she wanted to believe Charlie, she knew that the chances that her presence was requested at the Council meeting was slim. “I really enjoyed our time together... Think we could do this again?”

“When are you leaving?” he paused for a second to think.

“In about three days, but knowing Pat, I’ll be in and out of Nation Affairs meetings. Say the word and I’ll sneak out!” she smiled at his rebelliousness. 

“Then I shall see you later today and tomorrow and the day after that” the smile on his face was huge and he kissed the back of her hand in appreciation. He stood as the doors opened and their guards stepped in to escort them to their respective schedules. Giving her a dashing smile and a formal bow, he winked before leaving her. As he stepped out the doors of the atrium he looked back at her once more and smiled. Savannah noticed the giant smile and blush that crept onto Olivia’s face and gave her a small teasing nudge.

“So we have a contender?” Olivia rolled her eyes at her friend and began walking to their next affair.

***

True to her word, Olivia and Charlie met up several times over the course of three days. Some days they were arranged formally between both families and other times it would be Charlie climbing onto Olivia’s balcony while she was playing the piano. They truly enjoyed each other’s company and sense of humour, and by seeing one another, they were able to breathe comfortably. Much to their displeasure, the three days passed quicker than they wished, and as they walked the Palace gardens the night before Charlie left, a heavy and serious silence hung between them. The Royal Families had dinner together and the two of them kept making glances towards each other, each exchanging a silent conversation. After many exchanges and courses later, Prince Jeremy suggested they go for an evening stroll, and Charlie was quick to catch on. 

Their feet lead them to the same place where they met, the garden’s fountain. Charlie gestured for her to take a seat, which Olivia did and he sat down beside her. Neither said a word, but Olivia rested her head on his shoulder. The physical contact between them had increased, but never amounted to anything more than holding hands or sitting closely to one another. However, anyone could see that these gestures were more than just friendly.

“What will happen when you leave tomorrow?” Olivia dared to start the conversation, knowing that if she left it to Charlie, it probably wouldn’t happen. Charlie shifted uncomfortably for a moment, but not enough to move Olivia’s head off his shoulder.

“I return to the North and you stay here” she scoffed at his plain response, knowing that he was intentionally not answering her question to push her buttons.

“Charlie I’m serious. What is this?” she took her head off his shoulder and angled her body towards him, taking both hands in hers. “I don’t want to jump the gun and make you marry me. That wouldn’t be fair to you or me. We’ve just met” she could see a slight look of hurt cross his eyes and he straightened his spine.

“Have I been misunderstanding our rendez-vous?” Olivia’s eyes widened at the misunderstanding.

“No! No, I mean I really like you, like, like you like you. I just don’t know if this is normal?” Charlie looked confused at her confession. “I don’t know what this is! Like are we a thing? Like do we get married right away or...?” Then it clicked.

“Liv, have you never had a crush before? Or court someone before?” her face became a deep crimson and she avoided eye contact. “So you mean to tell me Princess Olivia has never been on a date prior to her birthday?”

“Well, to be fair I had other priorities. I mean there were people who were interested, I just never had the time of day or interest for them...” She felt shy at the confession, but Charlie’s ego was about to burst. His parents had set him up on multiple dates in hopes that one female would catch his eye and they could officially start a courtship, but it had never gotten past a few one night stands.

“Well, I guess I should ask you then. Where do you want this to go?” Olivia bit her lip, a habit she had when she felt shy to admit something. It drove Charlie wild as he could only imagine how soft her lips would feel against his.

“I mean, I want to keep seeing you and maybe we could talk about getting married, but it kinda feels too soon to talk about it now, y’know?” Charlie chuckled and kissed both of her hands.

“So why don’t we start with courtship? It means that we commit ourselves to each other with marriage in mind, but not so official that our parents can start planning our wedding. We could always call off the courtship if it ever came to that” Charlie didn’t like thinking about the last part in his idea. He already knew that Olivia was a keeper and that to find someone better than her would be impossible, but he didn’t want to force himself onto her given her current situation.

“I would like that very much... We have to tell our families, don’t we?” he nodded and Olivia rolled her eyes, hating that they had to officially let people into their private world. No doubt would she hear about courtship rules from her mother. She gave a big sigh, hating the fact that she couldn’t keep this special thing between the two of them.

“If you sigh any deeper, you might pass out” she elbowed Charlie lightly, as he draped his coat around her, shielding her from the cool breeze of the evening. He pulled her close as she laid her head on his shoulder again, but this time his arm was wrapped around her and he rested his head on top of hers. “Regardless of how much they force themselves to get involved, nothing will change between you and I, Liv”

“I just wish for once that I could keep this to myself. Once we announce our courtship, you know my mom will be on my twenty four seven. Your mom will probably start shopping for wedding bands” He kissed her head softly and held her tightly.

“Then let them Liv. We have our own thing that no one can take away, I promise you.” Olivia moved her head so that she could find reassurance in his eyes. She had come to love the fact that she could read Charlie simply by looking at his eyes. She smiled back at him and nodded her head, accepting his promise. He smiled back and cupped her cheek gently. “Have you ever been kissed?”

“Charlie, I just told you that I turned down every suitor, what makes you think that I-” he stopped her mid-sentence by gently kissing her lips, her eyes fluttering closed. She could see colours exploding behind her closed eyes and as she leaned into the kiss, Charlie took that as a sign to deepen it. Olivia felt scared, nervous, excited and happy. Sure this was all new to her, but she couldn’t shake the feeling that it was right. As Charlie broke the kiss and leaned into her forehead with his, she found herself slightly out of breath. “Wow...”

“You can say that again”

***

The night after their kiss in the garden, they announced their courtship to their families before Charlie and King Patrick returned to the Northern Kingdom. It would take them three days to arrive back to their palace, in which Charlie would write his first letter to Olivia. This started a never ending stream of letters back and forth between the two lovers that would arrive every week. Olivia fell hard for Charlie and Charlie fell hard for Olivia, something their families were pleased with.

Olivia learned that courtship meant that they would continue to get to know each other and work towards the goal of marriage. She also learned that the amount of touching, cuddling and their kiss was not part of courting. According to her mother, acts of intimacy should occur after marriage, something that Olivia noted to be careful of the next time Charlie and her met. After all, the kisses that they exchanged that evening and before they left made Olivia blush instantly. 

It had been 6 months since she had last had the opportunity to have a moment alone with Charlie. They had seen each other at Jeremy’s Coronation and wedding, but they were being watched, so sneaking away was nearly impossible. But that didn’t stop Charlie from climbing into your guest room and stealing a quick kiss and I love you, before jumping off the balcony again. She whispered ‘I love you too’ after him, feeling giddy inside at his confession, but that was the only interaction they were able to have.

It came to a shock that as Olivia was reading in the library, she heard the trumpets sound, notifying the Palace that a Royal guest had arrived. Running to the window, Olivia saw that it was indeed Charlie and she sprinted out of the library to meet him in the throne room, catching Savannah on her way over. She paused before entering the room, letting Savannah fix her up before she presented herself. The servants opened the door at her signal and she gracefully made her way down the throne room. She resisted every urge to run and jump into his arms, but the closer she got she could tell something was heavily burdening him.

“Princess, thank you for joining us so promptly. Prince Charles has asked to see you and speak with you privately.” the King gave her a knowing look, hinting at what was about to happen, in which Olivia would be happy about, but she knew Charlie well enough at this point to notice his demeanour was different. He seemed tense and avoided her eyes, knowing that if he let her see them, she would know something is wrong. 

“It would be an honour, your Majesty.” She gave a polite curtsy to her father and Charlie. “Prince Charles, if it suits you, would you like to accompany me to the library parlour?” he nodded, the silence remaining, but he followed her lead out of the throne room. They walked the halls silently and Olivia began to worry. Something was definitely bothering him, as by now he would’ve made a quip or remark. As they arrived to their destination she dismissed the servants and guards requesting a moment of privacy with the Prince, but as soon as the door shut, Charlie’s lips were on hers, desperate. She reciprocated the kiss by holding his face, but she also broke it searching his eyes for answers. “Tell me what’s wrong”

Charlie avoided her eyes and walked away from her, pacing the parlour as she took a seat in the red leather chaise, patting a spot next to her for him. He paced around the room a few moments more, running his hands through his hair, but Olivia sat patiently, waiting for him. Finally, he plopped down next to her, head in his hands. She rubbed his back in hopes that she could offer some sort of comfort.

“Marry me.”

The statement came out a shock to Olivia. She knew her feelings were true and that she would gladly say yes, but the way he was acting made it seemed forced and unsure. Charlie saw the hesitation and confusion on her face and sighed.

“Patrick said that if I don’t propose and marry you soon, I’ll be arranged to marry someone else.” She now understood the anxiety and panic in his body language, but she couldn’t help but ask questions.

“To who?” Charlie groaned in frustration, standing up and pacing again.

“Some chick from a foreign Nation that our Nation wants to do trade with. They want some sort of way to seal the deal and Patrick offered me.” his voice became more frantic as he explained the situation.

“Is she beautiful?” Olivia knew it was a stupid question, but her insecurity got the best of her. The question did cause Charlie to stop pacing and kneel before her.

“What does it matter Liv? I love you! I can’t marry someone else” She saw the love for her in his eyes, but she also saw desperation and fear.

“You’re asking me to marry you, but you don’t seem quite happy about it... What else are you keeping from me?” the question came out quiet, but as she finished it was as though time had stopped and completely silenced itself for them.

“The wedding has to be in a month's time, meaning I will be crowned in two weeks, if you accept” Charlie knew what this meant. This marriage would solidify Olivia’s place as Queen and not King. She felt a lump in her throat which she tried to swallow but wouldn’t go away. 

During their written exchanges, Olivia would update Charlie on her situation of trying to convince her parents to consider going against tradition and Charlie would give her ideas on new ways to convince them. In their exchanges, Charlie had suggested ruling as a united couple, where King and Queen were equal in the Council. He had suggested the idea as he knew King Jeremy and Queen Carolynn would support the decision. In addition, King Owen would agree to it. It felt as though Olivia was close to convincing them, but this marriage would seal the deal on all the hard work she had put in to convincing them. If she accepted his proposal now, she would marry right away and forfeit any chances of her becoming King. If she declined his proposal, she would have a higher chance at becoming King, but in return she would forfeit Charlie to another woman in a foreign nation.

“If I say yes to this, I will solidify everything that my mother wanted for me. I give up every hope and dream I had of becoming King.” she knew she should be happy that she would be married to Charlie, but she couldn’t help but feel trapped, like she had no say in the situation other than yes or no.

“This isn’t how I wanted this to go, believe me. But I can’t marry someone I don’t love Liv. I can’t marry someone that isn’t you” Charlie hated that he was asking this of her. “I know what I’m asking from you isn’t fair, and if I could do this any other way I would, but I’ve run out of time Liv.” Tears that had welled up in her eyes finally spilled over, and she felt awful. “Talk to me, love. It’s just you and me.”

“I hate that everything is always being decided for me... I love you, I do and I should be happy that you’re asking me to marry you, but you’re not asking me, you’re being forced to.” she sniffled as he wiped a tear from her face. “I hate that people who aren’t us are making us live our lives in ways that they see fit, completely disregarding you and me...” her voice trembled as she tried to maintain her composure. “I know that in due time you would’ve asked me to marry you and I would gladly accept, but it should’ve been when we were ready. When I had finally convinced my parents that we would rule over the land equally... but what choice do we have now?”

Charlie moved to sit beside her and held her in his arms. She cried into his shoulder at how unfair things felt in the moment. He said nothing, knowing that there wasn’t anything that could be said to remedy the situation. Finally, Charlie pulled away from Olivia and held her face in his hands.

“Olivia, I love you. You don’t have to say yes.” Olivia cried harder as he said this, knowing very well that Charlie would let her walk away and marry someone else so that she could live out her dream. She knew deep down that if she let Charlie go, she would regret it forever. For the first time, there was something that outweighed her desire of becoming King, and that something was Charlie. Through her soft sobs, she nodded her head and stuttered her answer. “Liv?”

“Yes, Charlie. I will marry you”

tag list:  @ifilwtmfc @warmness0ul @starjane312

[myhealthmag]

8 Ways to Stay Excellent Healthy

Eight healthy behaviors can go a long way toward improving your health and lowering your risk of many cancers as well as heart disease, stroke, diabetes, and osteoporosis. And they’re not as complicated as you might think.

So take control of your health, and encourage your family to do the same. Choose one or two of the behaviors below to start with. Once you’ve got those down, move on to the others.

1. Maintain a Healthy Weight

Keeping your weight in check is often easier said than done, but a few simple tips can help. First off, if you’re overweight, focus initially on not gaining any more weight. This by itself can improve your health. Then, when you’re ready, try to take off some extra pounds for an even greater health boost.

Tips

Integrate physical activity and movement into your life.

Eat a diet rich in fruits, vegetables and whole grains.

Choose smaller portions and eat more slowly.

For Parents and Grandparents

Limit children’s TV and computer time.

Encourage healthy snacking on fruits and vegetables.

Encourage activity during free time.

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2. Exercise Regularly

Few things are as good for you as regular physical activity. While it can be hard to find the time, it’s important to fit in at least 30 minutes of activity every day. More is even better, but any amount is better than none.

Tips

Choose activities you enjoy. Many things count as exercise, including walking, gardening and dancing.

Make exercise a habit by setting aside the same time for it each day. Try going to the gym at lunchtime or taking a walk regularly after dinner.

Stay motivated by exercising with someone.

For Parents and Grandparents

Play active games with your kids regularly and go on family walks and bike rides when the weather allows.

Encourage children to play outside (when it’s safe) and to take part in organized activities, including soccer, gymnastics and dancing.

Walk with your kids to school in the morning. It’s great exercise for everyone.

3. Don’t Smoke

You’ve heard it before: If you smoke, quitting is absolutely the best thing you can do for your health. Yes, it’s hard, but it’s also far from impossible. More than 1,000 Americans stop for good every day.

Tips

Keep trying! It often takes six or seven tries before you quit for good.

Talk to a health-care provider for help.

Join a quit-smoking program. Your workplace or health plan may offer one.

For Parents and Grandparents

Try to quit as soon as possible. If you smoke, your children will be more likely to smoke.

Don’t smoke in the house or car. If kids breathe in your smoke, they may have a higher risk of breathing problems and lung cancer.

When appropriate, talk to your kids about the dangers of smoking and chewing tobacco. A health-care professional or school counselor can help.

4. Eat a Healthy Diet

Despite confusing news reports, the basics of healthy eating are actually quite straightforward. You should focus on fruits, vegetables and whole grains and keep red meat to a minimum. It’s also important to cut back on bad fats (saturated and trans fats) and choose healthy fats (polyunsaturated and monounsaturated fats) more often. Taking a multivitamin with folate every day is a great nutrition insurance policy.

Tips

Make fruits and vegetables a part of every meal. Put fruit on your cereal. Eat vegetables as a snack.

Choose chicken, fish or beans instead of red meat.

Choose whole-grain cereal, brown rice and whole-wheat bread over their more refined counterparts.

Choose dishes made with olive or canola oil, which are high in healthy fats.

Cut back on fast food and store-bought snacks (like cookies), which are high in bad fats.

Buy a 100 percent RDA multivitamin that contains folate.

5. Drink Alcohol Only in Moderation, If at All

Moderate drinking is good for the heart, as many people already know, but it can also increase the risk of cancer. If you don’t drink, don’t feel that you need to start. If you already drink moderately (less than one drink a day for women, less than two drinks a day for men), there’s probably no reason to stop. People who drink more, though, should cut back.

Tips

Choose nonalcoholic beverages at meals and parties.

Avoid occasions centered around alcohol.

Talk to a health-care professional if you feel you have a problem with alcohol.

For Parents and Grandparents

Avoid making alcohol an essential part of family gatherings.

When appropriate, discuss the dangers of drug and alcohol abuse with children. A health-care professional or school counselor can help.

6. Protect Yourself from the Sun

While the warm sun is certainly inviting, too much exposure to it can lead to skin cancer, including serious melanoma. Skin damage starts early in childhood, so it’s especially important to protect children.

Tips

Steer clear of direct sunlight between 10 a.m. and 4 p.m. (peak burning hours). It’s the best way to protect yourself.

Wear hats, long-sleeve shirts and sunscreens with SPF15 or higher.

Don’t use sun lamps or tanning booths. Try self-tanning creams instead.

For Parents and Grandparents

Buy tinted sunscreen so you can see if you’ve missed any spots on a fidgety child.

Set a good example for children by also protecting yourself with clothing, shade and sunscreen.

7. Protect Yourself From Sexually Transmitted Infections

Among other problems, sexually transmitted infections – like human papillomavirus (HPV) – are linked to a number of different cancers. Protecting yourself from these infections can lower your risk.

Tips

Aside from not having sex, the best protection is to be in a committed, monogamous relationship with someone who does not have a sexually transmitted infection.

For all other situations, be sure to always use a condom and follow other safe-sex practices.

Never rely on your partner to have a condom. Always be prepared.

For Parents and Grandparents

When appropriate, discuss with children the importance of abstinence and safe sex. A health-care professional or school counselor can help.

Vaccinate girls and young women as well as boys and young men against HPV. Talk to a health professional for more information.

8. Get Screening Tests

There are a number of important screening tests that can help protect against cancer. Some of these tests find cancer early when they are most treatable, while others can actually help keep cancer from developing in the first place.

For colorectal cancer alone, regular screening could save over 30,000 lives each year. That’s three times the number of people killed by drunk drivers in the United States in all of 2011. Talk to a health care professional about which tests you should have and when.

Cancers that should be tested for regularly:

Colon and rectal cancer

Breast cancer

Cervical cancer

Lung cancer (in current or past heavy smokers)

[hamaon]

JGY or WWX?

I feel like a fair disclaimer to give before getting to Wei Wuxian is that I watched the Untamed despite, not because of, wangxian! I originally checked out the beginning of the animated series because someone I followed was getting into it, but I already had an inkling that the main romantic relationship in this romance wouldn’t be my cup of tea. The Untamed followed, more than half a year later, really only because I had hit the gorgeous soundtrack on youtube.

How I feel about this character Part of the reason I presumed I wouldn’t be into wangxian was because neither of the main players really spoke to me, and on this account I am happy to have been proven wrong! When I finished the show, Wei Wuxian was probably my favorite character. There's something very satisfying about a surface-level heroic main character hitting his absolute lowest points and starting to be actively harmful to himself and others. “This is all I’ve ever wanted for the class clown type of character”, I think I said at some point. Let it all burn.

I go back and forth on whether I find the flightier parts of his personality charming or annoying, but it’s a spectrum. The Untamed version is my favorite, character-wise.

All the people I ship romantically with this character Nie Huaisang, in the sense that, what with their roles in the plot, it would be fascinating to see how things would play out if this was the main romance, instead. Especially because romance would not be Nie Huaisang’s priority. What would the relationship trajectory even be, teenage sweethearts, ending with a definitive breakup by the finale? I've never sat down with the idea long enough to do anything with it, but sometimes it comes back to me. The main reason I'm into it is because hey, it's the main character & the main driving force behind the story! this is an intellectual puzzle to work out!, but they also had nice, easy chemistry when they were young and seemed to enjoy each other's company, which was something that was... not present in the actual main ship as far as I could see, and apparently my only kink is obvious mutual interest and stability in a relationship. I don't think they really had romantic/sexual chemistry in particular, but hey.

Wen Ning. I just think ningxian is cute. Also has lots of potential for difficult and uncomfortable exploration re: consent and autonomy.

But I think at the end of the day, the only relationship he has that just by the actual shape of it would be something I'd be interested in seeing turn into a romantic and/or sexual relationship is with Wen Qing, which, uh. Yeah. The fond push-and-pull, the two leaders, it’s good stuff. Just a physical relationship during their hunkering together time would be fun, too.

My non-romantic OTP for this character Jiang Cheng. I remember originally being pretty peeved about the fact that the romance (censored or not) is treated as the main focus when the Yunmeng duo is, to me, the real heart of the story. Let Lan Wangji be a supporting character.

I'm not sure if I really want a reconciliation between them, personally, but I want to note that it’s not because I think it would be fundamentally impossible, or because one or both of the characters is genuinely better off without the other. I think it would be very good for them if they managed some sort of genuine healing together!

I don’t want a reconciliation because thinking about their complete and total failure to communicate and consequently never making up makes me experience genuine agony in a very satisfying way. I have in the past gone into people's tags for the two of them and managed to work myself into a sobbing mess within five minutes. It is extremely cathartic.

My unpopular opinion about this character That time when he walks into a Jin party and starts throwing threats 3-2-1, part of me is going “fuck yeah” and part of me is looking at all the collateral damage servants trying to stay out of the way in the background, who never asked to be terrorized by this very powerful man. It’s not something that makes me dislike the character in any way or form, as stated before if anything it just makes him more interesting to me, I just don’t think that it was an uncomplicatedly ‘cool’ moment.

One thing I wish would happen / had happened with this character in canon The man should be actually responsible for his own misdeeds. I’ve heard people say that this was a censorship thing, but I have no sources on that.

And A-Yao gets to go under a read more.

How I feel about this character Continuing down the nostalgia lane, my initial reactions were “this man smiles very deliberately” and, towards the end, “man, fuck the gentry, you should get to win”.

I, hm. It feels sometimes like there are two kinds of opinions that fans have, and I don’t connect with either of them! There’s the “this character is an unrepentant asshole and I’m proud of that, you don’t need to make up sympathetic motivations for villains” which, while I agree that he can justify a lot to himself, just doesn’t ring true to me. I think that many of his actions were either forced by the circumstances, or understandable, or sympathetic and made with decent intentions, or not particularly bad compared to shit that other characters and their society as a whole gets to.

Obviously there are all these breakdowns about the specific acts of altruism that he does that in-universe are rare from someone that high up in power, and those are great, but even without all of that, he was a stable, peaceful, competent ruler who wasn’t doing any large-scale nasty shit after a series of complete nightmares on the throne, and upsetting that long-standing balance should bring about repercussions for several social classes that does more harm than anything he was individually doing at any point.

As for the other take, there’s the “oh no he’s so small and so cute and should be pampered so much” which I don’t... get, emotionally, and additionally it is reaaal hard for me to see the character as someone who either wants or would even particularly enjoy being the one being taken care of. Usually my response is-

There’s that part during Nie Mingjue’s capture in Empathy where he’s just, running the whole show? Like, on one hand it is very important that he’s probably the weakest person in the room, and might lose in a direct confrontation against even the random soldiers standing to the sides, and if he plays his cards wrong or even sub-optimally one of the two big strong cultivators in his vicinity is going to pulverize him, and also aware of all of this at all times and living in low-key terror. But also -- he pulled it off.

If I’m working myself toward some emotional response with “A-Yao small” it doesn’t end with “someone should hold him 🥺” but with “and doesn’t that just make it all the sweeter that he sat on that throne”. (I have two kinks, and the other one is power reversal.)

All the people I ship romantically with this character Only Lan Xichen, really, but there are some tentative side paths to take!

Qin Su, in that the initial attraction would be fun to explore, and then it becomes less about the relationship dynamic and more about the underlying horror.

Nie Huaisang, in a not-particularly-serious, one-sided, never-happened-and-now-it-never-will kind of way. The ideal would be Jin Guangyao thinking of Nie Huaisang as a tiring but cute little brother figure (he doesn't have those, all of his family relationships sans mom take a weird turn at some point! this one sure is about to!), while Nie Huaisang has a lil crush, and then it goes all the way to hell. ...And I know that I set “won’t happen” as a precondition, but I guess if there was a character who keeps the (fierce or not) corpse of the late Chief Cultivator close in an effort to feel alive post-canon, Nie Huaisang is the one I’d want for that role.

Jiang Cheng, because that family unit is so under-explored in canon, and because out of a handful of favorite characters these two are usually my number one, so watching them interact with each other can be fun just because of that. But in my heart of hearts I want Jiang Cheng to stay forever single by choice, and really I'm just here for platonic family shenanigans with Jin Ling. (I've written some of this, but out of everything it's probably the least likely to ever see the light of day.)

But really only Lan Xichen. When I was watching the early episodes and didn't remember the characters well and in my head these two were only “the disturbingly handsome older brother” and “a bit part soldier (lol) from some other sect” I really imprinted on that goodbye scene, like damn, look at these characters who are friendly with each other and showing obvious interest. It's only the circumstances that are getting in the way! If I were to ever read fic from this show, it would be these two. (This was all a counter-reaction to early wangxian haha.) But increasingly it goes to show that what I'm really into is people having mutual and mutually recognized affection for each other, the negotiated part in the relationship being less about whether it'll happen and more about how to go about it. More romances that start with getting together instead of ending there.

I am laughing at my past self here though, after actually finishing the show my thoughts on xiyao were that it was nice that it was both there and stable (until, you know) and unknowable, whatever the shape of their relationship in private they are aware of it and have made their peace with it, and that's all I need to know, and now I'm sitting here with several WIPs, wondering if this is what finally pushes me to start publishing fanfiction.

My non-romantic OTP for this character Lan Xichen. No, I’m not interested in a non-romantic* read on their relationship, yes, I just want him here, too.

Also, the only other relationships of note here are with Meng Shi, Jin Ling and Qin Su, and using ‘non-romantic OTP’ for any of those feels off to me. Meng Shi and Jin Ling are at too much of an uneven level, Qin Su doesn’t reach OTP levels even if the romantic filter is off. Su Minshan and Xue Yang might be a better fit, but again, OTP level is too high. Early-canon Nie Huaisang... maybe.

*non-sexual is fine. never officially getting together w/mutual acknowledgement is fine.

My unpopular opinion about this character I think I already went off, so. The hat is fine, and the hate sounds performative and weirdly ignorant at times. I don't love the Untamed version, but it’s fine and the ones in other adaptations are fantastic, even. The warm yellow-brown combination looks really nice. More of the characters should wear hats, actually! Which I realize is an opinion influenced by historical Japanese and Korean dramas, which are of a different genre altogether (also not Chinese, but hats in official settings are a constant in all of these cultures). Nevertheless.

I wish it was used only post-timeskip in the Untamed, too, though, for more variety in costuming and to further differentiate the pre- and post-timeskip versions of the character.

...................................and a specific xiyao pet peeve also: I am becoming increasingly wary of the... either super common or I just happen to keep finding these, take where he’s some sort of unwilling/particularly hesitant participant in this relationship. Like I went back to watch parts of episode 4 (to figure out why it was that I was so sure Meng Yao would be swinging a sword around in future episodes and my conclusion is: because everyone else was swinging theirs) and even the initial interactions in the goodbye scene are like-

Meng Yao literally runs up to a guy waaay out of his league like “Hello I am bringing myself Forth because I have the audacity to assume you might Personally Want to Know that I am leaving and here are some pretty personal reasons why (gosh you really are lovely)”

Reactions I’ve seen to this: look at the little dude running away from his emotions

Me: w h a t

And then the natural conclusion here is that Lan Xichen is there to love him (with his dick and/or sunny personality) until he’s forced to accept it [serene face emoji] and it makes me. Not enjoy it much.

Ofc this doesn’t include normal human hesitations one might have about... anything and everything in life, really, but when it’s treated like this automatic character/relationship hurdle I’m just hhhh

One thing I wish would happen / had happened with this character in canon I'm pretty satisfied with things as they stand? Just like the relationship between Jiang Cheng and Wei Wuxian makes me feel cathartic agony, Jin Guangyao's fate makes me feel cathartic rage. Look at the low-born bastard child go down the stairs of life, one last time!

......Sometimes I have my weak moments and do wish he had gotten away in the end, though.

[jedimasterbailey]

A sneak preview of the next chapter of my fic “The Padawans” in which Vader thinks of Ahsoka and Luminara as he plans his fated rematch with Barriss. Includes a flashback to a conversation between Anakin and Luminara post “Brain Invaders” that we should have seen! Link to the fic below, enjoy and thank you for the support 💚💙❤️

Darth Vader stares out to the busy metropolis of Coruscant from his personal quarters in the Imperial Palace, lost in thought. Behind the bulbous black eyes that served as the Sith Lord’s window to the world were tired blue ones still hoping to catch a glimpse of the former residence of Padme Amidala, the deceased wife of Anakin Skywalker. It was moments like this where the former Jedi Knight missed the Senator deeply. For Vader was about to encounter another ghost from his past, Anakin’s past. Soon Vader will be face to face with Luminara Unduli in the very place she used to call home, a home he destroyed.

In the months after the rise of the Empire, Palpatine had the Jedi Temple renovated into his own personal palace. Although the bodies of the dead Jedi have been long excavated and the relics of the Jedi long destroyed, echoes of the past were everywhere. Vader could still see the destruction he caused and he could still hear the terrified screams of the younglings and Knights that were at his mercy. No amount of refurbishment could ever erase what he had done. It was because of this that Vader avoided the palace as much as he could. The Sith apprentice despised being in the place Anakin Skywalker and his Jedi family once resided in. However, if being here resulted in the reappearance of Barriss Offee, then Vader will do what must be done.

The plan was simple. Luminara will be the bait and once Barriss was right where the Dark Lord needed her, Luminara would be disposed of. Vader wanted the Mirialan to feel the same scorching pain he felt on Mustafar when Obi-wan left him for dead. If he couldn’t have his Master’s love, neither could she.

Victory was inevitable. Anakin may have been weak, but if Barriss couldn’t defeat him, then she didn’t stand a chance against Vader, especially with a broken heart. Vader will prove Sidious wrong; that the girl is unworthy of the title of Darth or worth the attention of Ahsoka Tano.

Yet despite his quest for vengeance, Vader was admittedly nervous to see Luminara again. For months he has avoided contact, leaving the Grand Inquisitor to handle the matter. Seeing the woman Anakin viewed as a mother figure beaten and bruised by his own henchman was the last thing Vader wanted to do. It was no different than the Sith avoiding Padme’s tomb on Naboo; he could not face what he has done. As hard as the Emperor had tried to snuff it out, Anakin’s spirit was still trapped inside the machine that was his body. Vader was going to have to kill the one person he knew was Luminara’s whole heart and the Anakin part of him hated him for it.

The cyborg then walks over to a bedside table, the very table Anakin used to hold such possessions, and opens the drawer that contained the last pieces of his Jedi past he refused to part with. In one hand he held one of Ahsoka’s lightsabers and in the other, her Padawan beads.

Vader did not believe for a moment that his former apprentice was gone. Ahsoka had managed to survive situations that would have killed more experienced Jedi. He had taught her how to outsmart the enemy and how to defy seemingly impossible odds. The lightsaber had merely been a decoy and the presence of Morai was confirmation. Somewhere out there, Ahsoka Tano was alive and one day, they would meet again. Vader was sure of it.

“Forgive me, for what I’m about to do.” Vader says to the items in his hands. He didn’t know who exactly he was talking to; Ahsoka or Luminara. Regardless, the Dark Lord thinks back to a time where both women were safe and within arms reach.

Feeling ecstatic that Ahsoka has woken up from her healing trance after her encounter with the Geonosian parasites, Anakin takes it upon himself to find food for his Padawan. Just before the mess hall was a small lounge where visitors could sit and wait while the healers worked on patients. Having been up for several hours on end between their mission on Geonosis and waiting for Ahsoka to wake up, Anakin wanted to grab a cup a caf before waiting in line for food. Upon entering the quiet room, the Jedi Knight was baffled to see a very miserable Luminara Unduli staring into her own beverage.

The Mirialan’s hands were shaking and her eyes were red and puffy, presumably from crying. Never in all his years of knowing the Jedi Master has Anakin seen her look so broken. He takes a seat beside Luminara and places a comforting hand on her shoulder.

“Master?”

Luminara raises her head up to meet the young man’s gaze, fresh tears streaming down her face, “Is Ahsoka alright?”

Anakin nods, “She just woke up. Physically, she’s on the mend, it’s her mind I’m worried about. Our Padawans have been through a lot, more than I’d like to think about.”

“Yes... our girls deserve so much more.” Luminara sighs, grabbing tissue to dry her eyes.

“Barriss is going to come through too, she’s strong and resilient like her Master.” Anakin says gently, earning a watery laugh from the woman.

“I’m not sure about that Skywalker... I’ve failed as a Master.” Luminara professes sadly.

Anakin would hear none of it, “Now hold on a second, you have not failed Barriss. None of this is your fault!”

Luminara shakes her head, “I’ve almost lost her twice within a day. It’s my job to protect her and I’ve failed. According to Master Fisto, Barriss’s head scans indicate that she may have suffered some head trauma between the worm and the extreme cold. First, she almost suffocates after blowing up a whole factory with herself still in it only to then get infected by a parasite hours later! Who knows how she’ll be when she wakes up!”

“Perhaps you were right all along. Maybe I should have accompanied Barriss inside the catacombs instead of endangering your student. Maybe I should have gone with the girls on that supply run. There were plenty of Jedi to interagate Poggle and Ahsoka would have been safer in your care. I’ve been a fool! I’m so sorry Anakin and I owe Ahsoka an apology too!”

Anakin then wraps an arm around the woman and pulls her close, “You're being way too hard on yourself, Luminara. You’re forgetting that there were a lot of factors that were beyond our control. Your plan on Geonosis was good! We probably would’ve been successful without it because Force knows I don’t think things through, I’m glad someone was doing the thinking!

“The assignment given to the Padawans was more than reasonable. I’m sure Ahsoka was thrilled to see Barriss’s photographic memory at work and I really do need to work on trusting her. You weren’t planning on those slimy bugs getting in the way nor were you counting on one of those nasty worms infecting the troops on that shuttle. I can’t believe I’m saying this to you of all people, but I think you should give yourself some grace!”

“If you’ve failed as a Master for things not according to plan, then I am a huge failure as well as Obi-wan and probably every other Jedi Master that’s ever lived. You saw how well his plan went when he thought he could talk sense into the Queen of bugs. You were just seconds away from being possessed!” Anakin argues, rolling his eyes at the memory of Obi-wan’s curiosity.

“Rest assured, I’ll be giving him plenty of grief for that!” Luminara smiles, her face brightening up a little, “But thank you Anakin... your kindness never fails to amaze me.”

“Let me know when you do because I’d love to see that. All things considered, he deserves a good beating.” Anakin winks with a playful nudge before getting serious again. “Did you want to see Barriss? I was going to grab something to eat for Ahsoka, but if you need the company, I’d walk with you.”

Luminara nods, “Yes, I wanted to give you and Ahsoka some time alone especially since it may be a while before Barriss wakes up given her injuries.”

Anakin beams at the Jedi Master. For as long as he’s known Luminara, she has always been considerate and gentle with his needs.

“I appreciate that, Master.”

“Can I ask you something?” Luminara says with a far off look on her face.

“Anything.”

“Did you really believe that I gave up on Barriss when the factory went down?” Luminara asks calmly, but Anakin could tell from her breathing that it was a facade.

“No.” Anakin admits allowing Luminara to exhale a sigh of relief, “I allowed my fear to get the better of me and I took it out on you. You were trying to console me and even when I didn’t deserve it, you never got upset with me. You were hurting just as much as I was and I was selfish. I know better than that! Of course you care about Barriss! I owe you an apology Master, I’m sorry.”

Luminara begins to cry again startling the Jedi Knight, “Did I say something wrong?”

Luminara shakes her head.

“No! I’m just so relieved!” Luminara sobs, putting her face in her hands.

“Oh, good! I’m sure Obi-wan would kill me if I upset you.” Anakin chuckles, rising to offer a hand to Luminara.

“Walk with me back to the girl’s room? I gotta stop and get Snips some food, but I’m sure she’d love your company. And who knows? Maybe Barriss will wake up! I’m sure your face is the first one she’d want to see.”

With a smile as bright as the twin suns of Tatooine, Luminara graciously accepts Anakin’s hand, “I’d love to.”

Gingerly placing the lightsaber and beads back where he found them, Vader turns to leave the room, sensing the Grand Inquisitor’s presence as well as a weakened Luminara. For the sake of his sanity, the Dark Lord prayed his true identity stayed a secret with the prisoner.

[aurorawest]

⭐ If you could, write about the part where Loki and Thor are desguised as women as they escape that army camp.

Oooh, sure!

Context: this is from chapter 14 of The Real Asgardians of the Galaxy. Loki is in a massive army encampment and manages to locate Thor by astral projecting. In order to pass through the camp to actually get to Thor, Loki takes female form and barges into Thor’s tent. Thor doesn’t recognize her at first so Loki transforms into a man again. Here’s their escape:

Looking at Loki like he’d just grown a second head, Thor said, “Great plan. I only see one problem with it. We’re here and there’s no way to get out of this camp without being seen. There are guards all around the perimeter, and—” But he stopped, noticing, finally, the way Loki was smiling at him. “Wait. You’re not going to—”

“Why not? It worked for me.”

“It worked for you because when you look like a woman, you are a woman!” Thor said. “I can’t—how am I supposed to pretend?”

“My magic is easily up to the task of glamoring away your hulking masculinity,” Loki said with a flick of his fingers. When Thor still looked doubtful, Loki added innocently, “You’ll be lovely, I’m sure. Did you have a preference on hair color?”

“I’m not concerned about being pretty,” Thor said. “I’m concerned about getting stopped and questioned.”

I knew I wanted Thor to object to this plan because, quite honestly, it’s funny for Thor to object to this plan. What I did not want to do was have Thor objecting to the plan because the idea of looking like a woman was distasteful to him. I also didn’t want him to come across as disparaging the fact that Loki can be both male and female. But Loki is almost kind of pushing to object to it on both of those levels, because Loki likes to push, and he wants people to admit to ugly things so 1) he can feel superior, and 2) he can feel like a victim.

[...] “We won’t be stopped,” Loki said. “And if we are, it will be because someone wants to buy our services. That’s easy enough to make them forget. No one here has any idea I can do magic. We stick to the main paths until we get to the airfield.”

“And then what?” Thor asked. “Have you seen the wall around it?”

“No,” Loki admitted.

“It’s a pretty serious wall.”

Loki raised an eyebrow. “I’m a pretty serious sorcerer.”

Loki has already assumed Thor is going to dismiss his ability to get them out of the situation. He’s totally geared up for an argument here.

Thor looked at him. Loki stared back, wondering if Thor would discount the fact that magic could get them out of this. There was a long history between them of Thor dismissing Loki’s sorcery. It was a talent he couldn’t understand, didn’t share, and which he saw as suspect. At least, he always had in the past. 

Hm, but is this really true? This is Unreliable Narrator Loki at his finest. He’s telling us that Thor was always this way. Loki has been really hurt by what he perceives as Thor’s dismissal of his magic. If you asked Thor, though, he’d probably tell you the opposite story. The actual truth is somewhere in between. This is an example of the two of them not understanding how to communicate with each other.

Things had changed between them after Sakaar. Maybe this had, too.

Thor nodded. “Alright.”

Loki’s mouth opened to argue, but then he realized what Thor had said and he snapped it shut. A smile flashed across Thor’s face, as though he knew exactly what had just gone through Loki’s mind. 

All set to argue, and then nothing to argue with! Thor is definitely trying harder to be what Loki needs him to be, and you can see that here.

I trust you, brother, Thor had said to him before he’d manually calculated the jump that had brought their ship to Asgard. Maybe he’d meant it.

Callback to chapter 1 of the fic, where their navigation system is down and Loki manually calculates a jump on the back of a Big Mac wrapper.

With a nod in return, Loki lifted a hand and twisted his wrist. This was unnecessary, but he’d begun doing it as a courtesy to the people around him in Asgard who hadn’t liked his magic. 

I really love this particular head canon, where Loki’s magic doesn’t require any kind of gesture, spoken spell, etc. It’s a fun thing to play with, because it means he can be as showy as he wants to—but he doesn’t have to be.

[...] A green line of magic ran from Thor’s head to his feet, leaving a woman standing there in his place. Loki completed his own transformation and then said quietly, “Let’s go.”

I purposefully didn’t describe Thor here because Loki hardly thinks about Thor’s physical appearance at all. Loki’s descriptions of people’s physical descriptions tend to be very cursory. Hair color, skin color, height. He’s simply not all that interested.

So what that means is: if Loki is taking more interest in someone’s physical appearance, it might be because he’s interested in them.

The two of them peeked out of the tent. A few of Thor’s cohorts were still around the campfire. [...] Loki jerked her head and they slipped out, walked past the fire, and headed for the camp’s main thoroughfare.

“I should have said good-bye,” Thor said quietly.

Loki shrugged. “Send them a postcard.”

Definitely a little projection (?) here on Loki’s part. He too feels guilty about abandoning his unit, but it takes him ages to come to terms with it. He hasn’t even started to confront the fact that Kalmsh will likely get in trouble, maybe even serious trouble. A little sneak peek of what’s to come: this is something that Loki begins to really grapple with, that despite his penchant for casting himself in the victim role, there have been people in his life who have been willing to put themselves on the line for him, often in very serious ways. He’s way too self-absorbed at this point to recognize that.

She knew it was ridiculous, but it bothered her that Thor had given even this slightest of indications that he had formed attachments to these people. Of course he had. He was Thor. Even Loki felt some affection for her unit. It wasn’t as though Thor wanted to stay here fighting with them.

At least, she didn’t think he did.

A brief comment her on the way I write Loki in female form: I usually write these scenes using male pronouns to make sure I’m not writing female Loki any different than I would write male Loki. Then I go back through and switch them. 

But then again, Thor had preferred to stay imprisoned as a gladiator on Sakaar rather than joining Loki at the Grandmaster’s side. As much as she wished these wounds would heal, they were slow to. It had been almost seven years ago for Thor, 

Hey, I’m glad I got the timespan right here! In chapter 32, I had it wrong and didn’t catch it until right before I posted, haha.

but even if it hadn’t, Thor had always had a tendency to underestimate how his actions and words wounded Loki. He let things go so easily and Loki was the opposite. [...]

This is one of the things that’s at the heart of the House of Odin dynamic. I see both Thor and Odin being this way. They’re passionate people who speak before they think, so they’ll say these deeply hurtful, horrible things...which they don’t actually believe. And Thor and Odin can’t understand why Loki takes things so personally, why he can’t just let them go, while Loki can’t understand how they can be so cruel, and why they pretend to care about him when clearly they don’t, because one time they said this one thing and that obviously is more indicative of how they feel about him then the way they treat him on a daily basis. Full disclosure, I’m very much like Loki, lol. Neither one is right or good, but it’s the way they are, and they’re two very different ways of functioning.

This obviously wasn’t the time to bring it up, though.

“You do want to leave this place, don’t you?” Loki asked.

*rimshot*

Thor looked at her. Gods, even as a woman, that dumbfounded look was unmistakable. “You’re joking.”

“Well, you seem so broken up about the fact that you left without saying good-bye,” Loki said, sneering despite her best efforts.

There is always time for Loki to get bent out of shape for people not giving him the affection he wants. This is wildly inappropriate of Loki to do at this moment, but he just can’t stop himself. He’s so needy that he’ll jeopardize their escape to take his potshot at Thor. I remember when I wrote this, I nearly took it out, because I thought Loki was being such an ass—but Loki is an ass, and I really want to show that. I want to show how warped his perception of reality can be, and how he’ll make really bad decisions because of it.

Two Preccat men walked by them, leering, but Loki ignored them and so did Thor. The men looked disgruntled but let them pass. When they were gone, Thor turned to her and hissed, “Of course I want to leave here, don’t be stupid. Why are you bringing this up now? We’re supposed to be concentrating on getting out of here.”

Thor, the voice of...reason? A major part of Thor’s arc in this fic is actually that he’s kind of a doormat because he’s so grateful to have Loki back, and that obviously can’t hold forever. He’s kind of fighting with himself here, wanting to make Loki have a conversation that Loki’s definitely not ready to have, and which frankly Thor isn’t ready to either. Thor wants to be better for Loki because he knows he’s hurt him, but Loki also is pretty much as impossible as ever.

She scowled but didn’t say anything. Thor grabbed her arm and stopped her. Loki yanked her arm out of her brother’s hold. They glared at each other, but then a group of men came stumbling down the road towards them, obviously drunk. It snapped both of them out of it. “Let’s go,” Loki muttered.

Aaaand of course they don’t have a real conversation. Huh sure hope all this stonewalling and sweeping things under the rug doesn’t result in an explosive, hurtful, horrible argument later!

Thank you so much for asking!

Fanfic Writers: Director’s Cut

[nothingbutfangirlsmut]

The Girl out of Time

Pairing: Bucky x Reader

Background: Willow Roffe was born and raised in Brooklyn. She lived her life as happily as she could with her two childhood best friends Bucky Barnes and Steve Rogers. When they both left her to join the military she tried to continue with life but that didn't get to happen for her for the simple fact that she meant something to James Buchanan Barnes.

Rating: Story will be overall MATURE but not every chapter. There will be strong language, talk of both mental and physical abuse, some good ole angst, and smut. There will be a warning at the beginning of the chapter when it includes smut.

Chapter 39

*Two Years Later*

It's been a total of five years since the snap and half the universe turned to dust. Five long years that Steve, Nat, and the remaining avengers have been trying everything to fix what happened. The only one not invested in fixing things was Tony. I couldn't blame him though. He had everything he ever wanted. He had a nice quiet simple life with Pepper and their daughter. He hasn't lost what he loved most like some of us.

As much as Steve wanted me to keep faith in him it had slowly slipped away. I trust Steve with my life and my daughters life but I don't believe he can fix what happened. The people we lost in the snap are gone forever. Everyone just needs to accept that so the universe can try to move on.

"Uncle Stevie!" Sarah shouted as she ran through the complex.

I noticed it wasn't an entirely playful shout or run. She seemed to have an actual purpose. I got up and followed swiftly behind her into the office where Nat and Steve were clearly in the midst of something.

"Uncle Stevie!" Sarah shouted to get his attention.

"Yes little soldier" he sounded exhausted.

"Someone's here" she said matter of factly.

"What?" We all questioned her at the same time.

"Someone's here. I saw the van driving up the road." She said sweetly.

Just then the speaker crackled. The monitor lit up showing us a view of the front door. A man appeared on screen. He looked familiar but I couldn't place him.

"Oh! Hi! Hi! Is anyone home? This is Scott Lang! We met a few years ago! At the airport! Germany. Antman!" The man shouted towards the camera.

Nat, Steve, and I all shared a confused look. Steve took off towards the door while Nat and I stayed back with Sarah. Sarah tugged at my shirt until I looked down at her.

"Who's the funny man?" She asked.

"He's another friend of ours from work." I told her simply.

"Another superhero?" She asked perking up instantly.

"Yea, apparently he's Antman." I shrugged glancing at Nat.

We met up with Steve and Scott in the lab of the complex. The guy looked completely lost and kind of out of it. He mumbled to himself as he paced back and forth. Steve and I shared a confused look.

"Scott, are you okay?" Steve finally asked.

Scott rubbed his hands together as he turned to look at us. He looked completely freaked out.

"Yea" he rubbed his face.

"Have any of you guys ever studied quantum physics?" He asked suddenly serious.

"Only to make conversation." Nat answered.

"Okay, so, five years ago, right before, Thanos. I was in a place called the quantum realm. The quantum realm is like its own microscopic universe. To get in there you have to be incredibly small. Hope, she's my, uh, she was my, uh, she was suppose to pull me out. And then Thanos happened and I got stuck in there." Scott explained

"I'm sorry that must have been a very long five years." Nat said softly.

"Yea, but that's just it. It wasn't. For me it was five hours. See the rules of the quantum realm aren't like they are out here. Everything is unpredictable. Is that anybody's sandwich?" Scott suddenly stepped over to the desk and grabbed the half of sandwich laying there.

"I'm starving" he added.

"Scott, what are you talking about?" Steve asked him.

"What I'm saying is, time works differently in the quantum realm. The only problem is, right now, we don't have a way to navigate it. But what is we did? I can't stop thinking about it. What if we could somehow control the chaos? What if we could navigate it? What if there was a way that we could enter the quantum realm at a certain point in time then exit the quantum realm at another point in time? Like before Thanos." Scott explained quickly.

"Wait, are you talking about a time machine?" Steve asked.

"No, no, of course not. No not a time machine. It's more like, um, yea, like a time machine. I know it's crazy. It's crazy. But I can't stop thinking about it. There's gotta be some- it's crazy." He stopped shaking his head like he was defeated.

"Scott, I get emails from a raccoon. So, nothing sounds crazy anymore." Nat said simply.

"So who do we talk to about this?" Scott asked.

“Tony?” I asked turning to Steve and Nat.

“Definitely” Steve nodded.

I gathered up Sarah to put her in the car. By the time I had her buckled in the others were coming out. Steve drove us to Tony’s cabin which he now called home with Pepper and their daughter Morgan. It would be nice for Sarah to get at least a few minutes with another kid.

When we pulled up Tony was stepping up onto the porch with Morgan in his arms. He turned around knowing who was here immediately. I unbuckled Sarah then stepped back letting her run over to Morgan.

“Sarah!” Morgan cheered happily.

The two girls collided in a hug and giggles.

“Why don’t you take Sarah inside and show her all your toys.” Tony told Morgan.

The two girls nodded then ran hand in hand into the cabin. We stepped up on the porch to talk to Tony. There was a moment of tense silence that was broken by Pepper bringing out a tray of glasses and a pitcher of what looked like tea. Once Pepper was inside Scott instantly started explaining the time travel scenario to Tony.

“We know what it sounds like.” Scott finished when he saw Tony’s face.

“Tony, after everything you’ve seen, is anything really impossible?” Steve asked.

“Quantum fluctuation messes with the Planck scale which then triggers the Deutschland Proposition. Can we agree on that?” Thank asked as he poured a cup of tea.

He handed the cup to Steve.

“Thank you” Steve said softly.

“In layman’s terms, it means you’re not coming home.” Tony said flatly.

“I did” Scott pointed out.

“No. You accidentally survived. It’s a billion-to-one cosmic fluke. And now you wanna pull a.. What do you call it?” Tony asked Scott.

“A time heist?” Scott said as a question.

“Yea, a time heist. Of course. Why didn’t we think of this before? Oh, because it’s laughable. Because it’s a pipe dream.” Tony said in disbelief as he sat in one of the wicker chairs.

“The stones are in the past. We could go back, we could get them.” Steve told him.

“We can snap our own fingers. We can bring everybody back.” Nat told them.

“Or screw it up worse than he already has, right?” Tony corrected.

“I don’t believe we would.” Steve said crossing his arms over his chest.

“Gotta say it. I sometimes miss that giddy optimism. However, high hopes won’t help if there’s no logical, tangible way for me to safely execute said time heist. I believe the most likely outcome will be our collective demise.” Tony explained.

“This is ridiculous there has to be a way to do this.” I told Tony.

Scott turned to speak directly to Tony.

“Not if we strictly follow the rules of time travel. All right? It means no talking to our past selves, no betting on sporting events.” Scott started to explain.

Tony put his hand up.

“I’m going to stop you right there, Scott. Are you seriously telling me that your plan to save the universe is based on Back to the Future?” Tony asked him in disbelief.

“No” Scott said slowly.

I rolled my eyes. This is ridiculous.

“Good, you had me worried there. Cause that would be horseshit. That’s not how quantum physics works.” Tony told him like that was a fact everyone knew.

“Tony, we have to take a stand.” Nat told him.

“We did stand. And yet, here we are.” Tony told her.

“I know you got a lot on the line. You got a wife, a daughter. But I lost someone very important to me. A lotta people did.” Scott told him softly.

“Like a husband and father. You have no idea how hard it is to tell your child that her father was turned to dust trying to be a hero.” I said interrupting Scott.

“Now we have a chance to bring her and him back. To bring everyone back, and you’re telling me that you won’t even-“ Scott’s voice started to rise.

Tony sat up instantly cutting Scott off.

“That’s right, Scott. I won’t even. I can’t.” Tony told him sternly.

I heard the door open and close followed by two sets of tiny feet. Morgan ran to Tony jumping into his lap. Sarah came to sand next to me.

“Mommy told me to come and save you.” Morgan told her dad.

“Good job. I’m saved.” Tony said then hugged her.

He stood from his seat holding Morgan in his arms.

“I wish you were coming here to ask me something else. Anything else. I’m honestly happy to see you guys, I just, oh, look, the table’s set for eight.” Tony said softly.

“Tony, I get it. And I’m happy for you. I really am. But this is a second chance.” Steve glanced at me.

“I got my second chance right here, Cap. Can’t roll the dice on it. If you don’t talk shop, you can stay for lunch.” Tony said then walked into the cabin.

We all sighed collectively then slowly went back to the car.

“He’s scared” Nat said.

“He’s not wrong.” Steve admitted.

“Yeah, but, I mean, what are we gonna do? We need him. What, are we gonna stop?” Scott asked in disbelief.

“No, I wanna do it right. We’re gonna need a really big brain.” Steve said with a small smile.

“Bigger than his?” Scott asked clearly confused.

I patted his shoulder.

“We know a guy.” I told him.

—

[jewishconvertthings]

Something I’ve noticed come up again and again in conversion-focused/prospective convert spaces is a fascination with orthodoxy. I think a lot of what drives this is the desire for universal recognition and to do things the “right” way. And, since Jews both inside and outside of orthodoxy tend to hold up orthodoxy as the gold standard for halacha and for conversion in particular, people who would never otherwise consider converting orthodox still end up seriously investigating the possibility and/or even attempting it. This becomes especially painful to watch when, for one reason or another (or several) the individual in question simply cannot convert orthodox without making life changes that are, frankly, not worth it or even impossible.

I say this as someone who absolutely, 100% went on this ride.

(This is a Very Long Post, so I’ve put it under a cut)

I am a queer non-binary person in a relationship with another queer non-binary person who is not Jewish and has no plans on converting. Now, at this point in my life, I present in a traditionally feminine way 98% of the time (and was assigned female at birth), the aspects of physical transition that I have accessed are not visible or are easily able to be masked, and for a number of extremely personal reasons I won’t get into here, I have also reached a point in my life where my ability to be attracted to cis men is not something that I automatically reject.

So on a pragmatic level, if I wanted to be orthodox I had two choices: (1) Stay with my partner who I love and have built a life and a home with, who supports my Jewish journey and observance 100%, who loves me no matter how I present myself gender-wise, and whose life experiences as a fellow queer non-binary person allow us to have a profound understanding of each other; or, (2) Leave my partner, and also most likely also make an effort to stamp out or at least conceal the queer and non-binary facets of myself.  

I think it’s pretty clear that I opted to not take path #2, which left me with the decision to either pursue a Conservative conversion or accept being a Noachide. Fortunately, I happened to already have a Conservative community that I really loved and three Conservative rabbis for my beit din, each of whom I tremendously respect. Therefore moving forward with a Conservative conversion did not cause me all that much cognitive dissonance. To be perfectly honest, all told, I think my theological framework fits better within Conservative halacha anyway and there is plenty of space for me to exist and be respected as a queer non-binary person with a non-Jewish spouse.

But despite what I feel is an overall very good outcome to this problem, I still went through a whole grieving process for letting go of the idea of ever converting orthodox, and looking back I felt it was really important to interrogate why. I could of course take the easy way out and say that it was because I was sad to lose this particular shul as my primary community, but that’s not completely true. I still go there sometimes and enjoy it when I do, and also by the time it became clear to me that this was not a community I could convert through, it was no longer my primary shul. I’d already switched.

I could also say that it was because I deeply desired living and sharing community with a congregation where the majority of members took halacha very seriously and lived by those convictions. While I have deep love and appreciation for my Conservative community, the reality is that I am in the minority as someone who keeps a strictly kosher kitchen and one of a handful of people who make much of an effort to be shomer Shabbos. At the same time, I have found and built friendships with those who do take a more traditional approach to observance who also share other values of mine as well. So I have ultimately ended up in the exact kind of community I desired, even if it isn’t the numeric majority of the congregation as a whole.

There was also a very real period where I needed to sort out my understanding of what I believed about what Torah even is, and how I wanted to build my Jewish observance from that understanding. (Namely, that even though I can never say that I believed with perfect faith that the Torah was given directly to Moshe by G-d on Mt. Sinai in its entirety and in fact believe that most of the evidence points away from that understanding, I also felt it was important to essentially accept it as an underlying assumption for interpretive and halachic purposes. I have . . . evolved a bit since then, but honestly haven’t moved too far from that position.)

The point is that there were actual, real reasons other than just for the validity.

But if I’m being extremely honest with myself, while it was far from being the only reason or the “real” reason, it was nevertheless a not-insignificant reason for why I was disappointed and felt a loss. I understand the other pieces pretty well at this point, and so with the benefit of time and some emotional distance, I decided to examine this a bit more deeply.

I think the problem is two-fold. First, I think that the same intense beliefs and emotions that drive someone to do something as drastic as converting to Judaism to begin with also create a desire to do so in the most intensive way possible. Amongst myself and the many other conversion students and converts I’ve met, irrespective of our many differences, our passion for Judaism and our enthusiasm in Jewish engagement are near-universals. For better or worse, that tends to manifest as a desire for a high level of observance and for a community that shares that commitment.

Second, I think that converts of whatever background, but especially those of us who are marginalized in other ways, tend to be under a great deal of scrutiny from the rest of the Jewish community as to our motives and our processes for becoming Jewish. While I don’t doubt that this is painful for anyone, this can hit especially hard if you have experienced some other kind of serious invalidation, erasure, and/or rejection in other areas of your life.

So I think, after having sat with this a bit, part of that feeling of hurt and loss comes as a sort of echo trauma from having been erased and rejected as a queer non-binary person. The invalidation I’ve received both outside and inside the queer/trans community has been significant enough that the idea of stomaching more rejection, more invalidation, and more treatment as an interloper was a tough pill to swallow. Combine that with my genuine passion for Judaism and desire for an observant Jewish life and community, and you had a perfect storm of me reaching for a community that was, all told, not a good fit.

I eventually moved past that stage, and ended up quite happy in my Conservative community. So what’s the problem? Why am I bringing up such a painful topic if it turned out fine?

Here’s the thing: I’d seen other people ride this emotional rodeo before and so while I anticipated these feelings of rejection, I was afraid of experiencing them and tried to avoid doing so by being hyper-aware of the possibility. It didn’t work. Unfortunately, this was just something I had to figure out on my own. However, there was another effect I’d seen as well, namely that once people had processed the immediate sadness, there was usually a bit of backlash afterwards. I saw this especially with a particular friend who regularly expressed not just legitimate criticisms of orthodoxy, but lashed out angrily towards anyone who expressed an interest in orthodoxy or who happened to be orthodox and talk positively about their experiences. This was serious enough that it almost ruined our friendship.

I did manage to mostly avoid this latter effect because I actively built relationships within my orthodox community and maintained them even afterwards, and because I refused to make that rejection a personal thing. I also gave myself ample space from that community and have only engaged to the extent that I can do so in a healthy, comfortable way. But it’s worth noting that despite controlling my outer reaction, I definitely had to process and work my way through that same anger internally.

I raise all of this for the following reason:

I haven’t seen anyone talking about this much, and what I have seen has not been constructive or compassionate. While I don’t think reading about my seemingly typical (even cliché) experiences as someone who was not a good fit for orthodoxy trying to shoehorn myself into it for understandable (but ultimately futile) reasons will spare anyone the emotional ride of having that experience, nor do I think it will likely help anyone avoid having to experience it themselves to be sure, I do think that it may help with a couple issues. First, I think it may help outsiders who have observed this trope have a bit more compassion for those going through it and be able to offer some better responses than derision or telling folks to just get over it. Basically, realize that these are growing pains, and try to be kind and mature about it.

Second, I think it may help people who are on the verge of going through that experience and/or who are in the middle of it to understand that it is A Thing, that it is not an inherently bad thing, that they are not bad people for having to go on this emotional journey, that it is reasonable for them to have hard feelings about it, and that the only thing they really do need to be careful of is how they treat the people in their communities and not take this out on them. Ultimately, if you are unable to convert orthodox for reasons outside your control (or even just realize that you inherently don’t have the right worldview for orthodoxy/have an actual desire to live an orthodox lifestyle) there are usually other ways of meeting your community and observance-related needs and it is best to start exploring them sooner rather than later.

Collectively, I think I would challenge conversion students and liberal converts who are considering an orthodox conversion to seriously consider if there are other ways to meet your spiritual and community needs. If so, why pursue orthodoxy? You really do need an honest answer to that question, even if it takes a bit of soul-searching to get there. If it’s about universal recognition, you need to stop immediately and reconsider. (Understand that there basically is no such thing. Then understand that this means that you will have to build an internal Jewish identity that is unrelated to how random people without community decision-making power view you.) Finally, I’d ask that you try really hard to separate the larger trends and systems within orthodoxy from individual Orthodox Jews you happen to encounter.

And of course, I would challenge folks to leave passing judgment on any given conversion student’s process and motivations up to their sponsoring rabbi.

[teddy-bear-surprise]

Chapter 2: The First Assignment

Link to the table of contents and disclaimers: 𝐃𝐞𝐜𝐨𝐲 ✷ 𝐌𝐢𝐭𝐜𝐡 𝐒𝐭𝐢𝐥𝐢𝐧𝐬𝐤𝐢

A/N: Sorry for the long wait :( I just started writing the third chapter so that should be up relatively soon too... It was supposed to be a part of this chapter but I had to separate it bc google docs starts crapping out after like 10 pages

Mitch and Marcel exited the foyer after a long introduction and walked along the clean marble hallway. As Stilinski followed Marcel, he cautiously scanned the walls admiring the outdated yet stylish design. The heels of his oxfords clicked vibrantly with each stride, echoing against the tall ceiling. As their steps approached Genevieve’s hiding spot, she scampered back into her sanctuary. She stole a quick glance into the hallway, locking eyes with Mitch.

The sudden and unintended eye contact with Celestin’s daughter drove a stake through Mitch’s heart and invoked the dozens of warnings that Didier and Hurley had drilled into his head the prior week. Whatever you do, Stilinski, don’t engage with his daughter. Hey, Stilinski, remember that Marcel Celestin will literally rip you to pieces if you fuck up. Don’t forget: if Celestin even suspects you might be interested in his daughter, you’re deader than dead.

Mitch averted his eyes and gave his head a quick shake, ridding himself of the ridiculous internal commentary. He clearly understood the severity and danger of his employment, but he struggled to wrap his head around the notion of a father as overprotective as Marcel. Mitch never had anyone worry about him like that. When he joined the CIA, he was only able to do so because of his complete lack of family, friends, and life. He had always seen himself as expandable to a certain extent. Stilinski would put his life on the line, time after time, because he just could not fathom anything more important than his mission. In attempting to understand Marcel’s neuroticism, Mitch realized that Marcel’s mission was handing off his “business” to Genevieve, and that– like him– Marcel would stop at nothing to see his mission through. Even so, Mitch questioned the validity of the horror stories he had been bombarded with regarding the Celestins.

A lock snapped loudly, bringing Mitch out of his trance, as another one of Marcel’s employees opened the door for them to enter Marcel’s grand office. The walls were lined with glimmering trophies from Marcel’s past and photographs of him and Genevieve; Mitch was struck with surprise to see a mafioso’s office look so ordinary. The floor here was no longer made of stone and was instead a smooth dark wood. In the center of the room there lay a large, illustrious rug with a heavy mahogany desk sitting atop it. On the wall behind the desk, two grand windows brightened the room and gave it life.

Marcel continued walking in front of Stilinski, making his way to the looming chair behind the desk. He sat himself down, motioning across the desk, and told Mitch to take a seat. Mitch pulled out a chair and rested his body weight on the arm as he lowered himself onto the seat. He then leaned forward and looked at Marcel, waiting for further instruction.

“Stilinski,” Celestin began, “After Didier assesses your physical abilities today, I have a job for you. Tomorrow, I want you to take my daughter, Genevieve, to Paris. It’s been years since she’s been to the city and I’m having a soireè next week so she needs a new outfit. Your job is simple, keep her alive, make sure she gets something nice, and obviously don’t fuck up.”

“Of course, Sir. It would be my pleasure.” Mitch replied immediately, though his mind was churning.

“Let’s consider this a gesture of good faith. You get her there and back in one piece and you get to keep your job, you fail and… Well, I think you know what happens then, don’t you?”

Stilinski took a deep breath, “Yes, Sir. I am aware. Thank you for this opportunity, I won’t let you down.”

Celestin nodded his head towards the door, indicating that Mitch should leave. “Good, I wouldn’t want to lose another half-decent guard to incompetency.”

Mitch nodded while he got up and walked to the door. As he reached for the knob, the door swung open and he came face to face with Genevieve. Again. He looked down at her, unintentionally, before quickly backing away and letting her pass in front of him. She kept her eyes on him for another second before waltzing towards her father’s desk.

“One of the guards gave me a note telling me to meet you down here, what’s going on?”

“You know what, Genevieve, you got here just in time. Stilinski, stay here for just another minute and shut the door, will you?”

Stilinski closed the door again, “Yes, Sir.”

“Genevieve, I want you to meet our newest guard, Mitch Stilinski. He’s going to take you into Paris tomorrow to pick some things up for the event I’m planning for next weekend.”

Genevieve turned and glared at Mitch, slightly squinting her eyes, “Really?”

She had not meant it in a rude way, but she was truly shocked that her father would let the ‘new guy’ take her into the city.

“Sorry,” Genevieve continued. “That sounds like a brilliant idea father.”

Marcel smirked and waved his hand, dismissing the both of them. Mitch re-opened the door, holding it open for Genevieve. She walked past him without so much as a glance. Genevieve slipped back into the library, slamming the door loudly behind her.

Mitch, as confused as ever, shut Marcel’s door quietly. He walked rapidly away, trying to figure out where the gym was. He eventually found it, the first door to the right of the foyer, and saw Didier patiently waiting inside. Didier was leaning against a padded wall, wrapping his hands, dressed in a black t-shirt and sweatpants.

Didier greeted him nonchalantly, “So, Stilinski, how’s the first day going?”

“It could be better. Celestin already gave me an assignment and I don’t know if I’m anywhere near ready to take on this kind of responsibility.”

“Well then, you better learn soon.” He chuckled at the quip and rolled his eyes, “I kinda figured that out on my own, Axel. I’m gonna go change but I’ll be back in a minute.”

Stilinski stumbled into the locker room, trying to find the locker with his number on it. When he had been tattooed with the crow on his neck, he was assigned a number. Mitch had been given the number 7 following the death of the original number 7 in a gruesome shoot-out. The number was hidden within the bird’s eye, forever marking him as one of Celestin’s disciples. He scanned up, down, and across until the number 7 caught his eye. It was hidden in the far right corner of the locker room and when he opened it, it contained the same black shirt, pants, and hand wraps that Didier had. Mitch carefully took off his suit, hanging it in the locker, and put on the black ensemble. He wrapped his hands quickly as he walked out of the locker room.

Mitch and Axel sparred for over an hour, neither one could seem to knock the other down long enough to win. It seemed that, though years ago, Hurley’s training had stuck in their minds. Both of their hands were covered in bruises beneath the wraps, only a few punches away from dislocating a knuckle. They panted heavily as they threw punches and kicked at each other with sweat dripping into their eyes. Mitch approached Axel, hoping to win the match with a final punch, but Didier was more experienced and used Mitch’s own momentum against him. He punched Stilinski sharply in the jaw, knocked him onto his back, and held him down with one knee.

“5… 4… 3… 2… 1… I win!” Didier lifted his knee from Mitch’s chest as he stood up.

“You know,” Began Stilinski, “I would normally be mad that you beat me, but I’m so tired right now that I couldn’t care less.”

“Yeah right, Stilinski. I know I hurt your ego.” He held a hand out to Mitch.

Stilinski stood up, “I’m serious, the jet lag, the sparring, and the weird threats… I’m exhausted from all this shit and it’s only day one.”

“You’ll get used to it. Why don’t you tell me more about this new assignment of yours while we do a few miles on the treadmill?”

“Great, running and talking. My two favorite things. I’ll agree to it this once, but only because I don’t have the slightest fucking idea about what to do tomorrow.”

A few rooms down, Genevieve continued obsessively daydreaming about her outing to Paris. She could hardly even remember what stores she used to shop at in the city, let alone how to dress for an event as nice as the one her father was planning. Along the bottom row of the library shelves, there was a handful of fashion magazines, they were all a few seasons old but she figured they would hold up well enough. After all, how much could fashion really change?

Genevieve leafed through the pages, dog-earing the outfits she thought might be appropriate for the occasion. She closed her eyes, letting the sun seep through her eyelids as she pictured herself walking down the long staircase in a shimmering sage dress.

In her mind, the ideal dress would be fuller than full, putting at least two feet between her and everyone else; it was to have a laced corset bodice covered in lilac petals and small beads; and the straps would hang loosely off of her shoulders, brushing her skin ever so slightly. Unfortunately, however, Genevieve knew that it would be impossible to find such a dress on such short notice. She continued flipping through dozens of magazines until dinnertime, jotting down the names of certain shops and designers that were based in Paris, and hoped that one of them might be able to produce a miracle. Soon after, Genevieve’s night came to a close and she drifted off to sleep dreaming about the following day’s adventures.

“Genevieve, my darling, it’s time for you to get up. You’ve got to go into the city to find an outfit. Remember?”

Marcel sat down on Geveieve’s bed, rubbing her shoulder softly. She sat up and rubbed her eyes. At only seven in the morning, the sun had just begun it’s work and shone weakly along the horizon. Its rays reflected off of the curtains and into Genevieve’s eyes, causing her to turn away from the window.

“Yes, I remember.” She sighed with uncertainty, “Papà, I’m not quite sure I’m up for this today. This seems like such a big step to take… for me, and for the new guard.”

Genevieve’s stomach churned and her heart began beating quickly. Suddenly, it felt like the whole world– despite its beauty– had put her into a chokehold. She breathed with shallow gasps, never seeming to get enough oxygen. Her arms grew weak and she laid back down, praying that the horrible feeling would subside.

Her father’s eyebrows furrowed together, “You’ll be okay, my darling. I would never let anything happen to you. I promise.”

Marcel got up and opened Genevieve’s door, calling out for someone to bring a glass of water.

“But what if something did happen? What if…”

Marcel cut her off, “I know you’re anxious. I know, but give it an hour, and then you can decide if you want to go or not.”

His words, while not very helpful, provided some comfort. For some reason, Genevieve had a nasty habit of developing nauseating anxiety in the early morning. It had been happening since she was a child, but as she had not woken up before nine am in many years, she had grown unaccustomed to the feeling. It used to just set her back by a few minutes, only occasionally proving to be a real problem. Now, however, Genevieve felt like she had been hit by a two-ton garbage truck.

The same man who had brought her lunch yesterday walked in with a tall glass of water. He handed it to Genevieve who sipped on it slowly.

“Well, I’ll be in my office if you need anything. I’ll check back in an hour to see how you are. Sebastien, let’s go.” Her father patted her head and walked out, Sebastien closing the door behind them.

Genevieve sat up and leaned against the wall, breathing deeply and naming everything in her vicinity. She saw her bed, her hands, the door, the windows, and the glass of water on her bedside table. Her skin felt the cool fabric of her bed, the cold glass between her palms, the single feather poking out of her pillow, and the wall behind her head. Her ears could pick out the faint sound of voices outside, birds chirping, and the wind blowing. With each inhale, she could smell breakfast being made in the kitchen mixing with the fresh scent of her bedsheets. Taking a sip of water, she noted that she didn’t quite taste anything, but that always seemed to happen when she got to the last step.

During the next fifty-five minutes Genevieve’s breath became more natural and her heartbeat slowed. Still leaning against the wall, she bent over to place the empty water glass on her bedside table, wondering why she held onto it for so long. Her father came in soon after as if he had telepathically sensed her newfound calm.

He sat beside her, taking her hand in his, “So, was I right? Are you feeling better now, Genevieve?”

“Yeah, I guess I do feel better.” She let a small smirk take over her face.

“See, daughter, all you needed was some time. That is our most precious resource. Not our money, not our network, not our assassins… It’s the one we take the most for granted, our time. One day, you’ll see just how little time we really have.” Marcel let go of her hand, “Now, you go on into the city to find something nice to wear.”

Genevieve stood up and ushered her father out. She figured it was time to get dressed since she had already wasted so much time. After changing, she brushed her teeth and rushed downstairs, hoping to make the most of her time. While Genevieve was not necessarily excited to be going shopping, it was an opportunity that she had not been able to experience in a long time.

Her father led her to a car that was waiting out front with Mitch behind the wheel. He tilted his head down by an inch when he noticed her as a sign of respect. Genevieve slid into the back seat quietly, pulling her backpack over her knees. As she looked back towards him, Marcel shut the car door and gave her a soft smile. He patted the side of the car and Mitch slowly drove away, the sounds of gravel crunching beneath the tires. Genevieve turned solemnly towards her home, watching it shrink into the horizon. This outing was a new type of adventure for both herself and Mitch, and neither of them knew what to expect.

[ajokeformur-ray]

Can I request an angsty fic for Arthur? Can it be about his s/o researching apartments and jobs outside of Gotham because they want to move away and they accidentally leave the print-outs of these jobs and homes somewhere Arthur sees them and he things they are leaving him. it can either be a headcanon or an imagine, your choice :)

*Low whistle* okay, this broke my heart so, sorry, but I had to make it fluffy at the end. I can’t hurt Arthur. He’s been through so much already. 

TW; arguing, shouting, miscommunications in a relationship, very insecure Arthur, smoking, swearing, mentions of reader suffering from panic attacks, mentions of gaslighting… is angsty but ends fluffy. I need our sad clown boi to be happy. 

Word count: 1, 718.

When you got home from work, you could have cut the tension in the room with a knife. As you shut the door and took off your coat, shoes and let your bag drop gently to the floor where it would stay until tomorrow morning, Arthur remained sat on the sofa, his head leaning over the back, his legs spread and his knees aggressively bouncing as he took long, deep drags from his cigarette, burnt down nearly to the filter, and pursed his lips with every exhale. 

He paid no mind to you at all and that made you incredibly nervous. Instantly did you know that you were in trouble. Arthur never ignored you. Even when he was asleep, you were perfectly at rights to wake him up for something as simple as the fact that you want to hear his voice at three in the morning, or that you want a cuddle and you can’t because he’s laying wrong. You could wake him up for anything at any time and he would indulge you because you were Arthur’s entire world and he never let you doubt that for even a second.

You were in deep shit and you fucking knew it.

“Arthur? Honey, what’s - “

Arthur lifted his head up and fixed you with a cold look which chilled you to the bone. Ah, fuck. What had you done? What hadn’t you done, if that was the case? Had you forgotten something? Distantly in your mind were you attracted to this angry Arthur, but now really wasn’t the time to jump his bones like there was no tomorrow. If his current mood continued without you extracting any answers from him, there wouldn’t be a tomorrow. Not for you as a couple, anyway.

You felt sick now as he continued to stare at you. He stood up from the sofa, busied himself with lighting another cigarette, and reached out to grab a thick sheath of paper from the dining room table. “What is this?” Arthur’s voice was quiet, so quiet you almost couldn’t hear him over the roaring in your head. You were starting to panic now. Any longer and he would send you into a panic attack. His voice was like ice. His eyes lacked warmth. His body declined you coming closer to him. His nostrils flared. He was fucking livid.

You stepped back one pace and his eyes tracked the movement. Somehow, you moving further away from him only angered him further. “It says here that you’re looking for places to live outside of Gotham. When were you going to tell me, honey?” Arthur spat out the last word and your eyes zoned into the pages he was holding, relief flooding you. Ohhh~. You knew you had forgotten to do something this morning in your haste to get to work before you were late. Even so, why had you decided to leave them in plain sight knowing that Arthur didn’t know any of your plans yet? Stupid, stupid, stupid.

“Arthur, about that, I - “

You turned from him and went to get a drink from the kitchen. You needed a cup of coffee. Your head was pounding, your heart was racing, your hands were starting to shake and you felt sick.

“No. No, you do not get to walk away from me, Y/N.”

Arthur came forward and you sped up into the kitchen. “Please don’t give me a hard time, just let me - “

“I’ll give you a fucking hard -” Arthur rounded into the kitchen and stopped dead when he saw that you were on the border line of having a panic attack. You hated raised voices, you hated being closed in and you hated the way he was making you feel right now. It just wasn’t okay, even if he did look really fucking hot when he was angry. Not the time, Y/N… you chided yourself.

You watched as Arthur took several deep breaths, clenched his fists by his sides still holding the papers, the cigarette dangling from his mouth, and made a very admirable visible effort to calm himself down. When seconds had ticked past, Arthur pressed a hand to his forehead, his intense green eyes meeting yours in desperation while his free hand grabbed the cigarette, which he flicked the excess ash off quickly and put it out by drawing a smiley face on the wall. Instantly could you see the true reason for his anger - he was scared. You took a minute just to put the pieces together. 

“Fuck! Fuck, no, Arthur, it’s not what you think, I promise!” You rushed over to him and pulled him into a hug. Arthur stayed completely still in your hold, not letting himself give in. So often had people kept him in the dark, kept secrets from him, and then when he had found out they had gas-lighted him into thinking he was crazy, that he was delusional, that he was wrong. He had been stupid to think that you were different. You were leaving him and you hadn’t even bothered telling him. It was really sad how nothing ever surprised Arthur anymore.

“Are you leaving me?” Arthur’s voice was nothing more above a whisper, his voice so soft, so heartbroken. 

You bit your lip against your tears. How could you have done this to him, even by complete accident? You were paying for your lack of forethought now. “No. I would never leave you.” You should have told him your plans from the start, involved him in the process from the start. Surprises were not appreciated when it came to Arthur, even the good ones. He had been taught that secrets hurt, that surprises hurt, that people would always leave in the end. Hadn’t you taught him anything?

“Then what is it?” Arthur was still tense in your hold. You pulled away to look him fully in the face, your arms still around his shoulders, your fingers still toying with his hair. You were trying so hard to calm him down, even with your own hands shaking, the panic attack still looming over you. Your breathing had slowed down though, so you knew you would be okay. Your breathing was always your first clue that an attack was coming on.

“I’m making plans for us to leave this city. Together.” Your lips twitched as you made the emphasis deliberate. You finally noticed that he still had the papers and you tugged them out of his grip, tutting when you saw how badly he had crinkled them. “Look - I found a single bedroom apartment just outside of Gotham. There’s a comedy club nearby that you could work at, and there’s another place near there I could work. Money would be tight but… when isn’t it?” 

Arthur was silent, his expression frozen in a deep frown as he stared at you, his eyes unseeing.

“Too much.” You muttered to yourself. You had told him too much too fast and now he needed some time to just… replay your words, replay them again, replay the entire evening and just work it all out in his own time. Patience was always extremely necessary with Arthur. If you tried to make him talk before he was ready, before he had the words to speak, then he would close up so fast you wouldn’t even notice that he had been thinking of opening up. His walls were built up so strongly that even he couldn’t control them anymore.

“You want us to… live together… outside the city? You want a life with me?” Arthur was talking slowly, his voice incredulous, his tone soft yet somehow also raspy at the same time. Fuck, you loved him. You were head over heels for Arthur Fleck.

You nodded. “If you want to. I’m sorry I kept it from you. I was going to tell you when everything had been sorted out so that you had nothing to worry about.”

“I’m sorry, too.” Arthur stepped away from you, putting physical distance between you, and looked you square in the face. Whatever he was about to say was important to him, and you did him the silent favour of giving him his favourite kind of audience: you. All of Gotham could have been at his feet hanging onto his every word in that moment and he would still only have eyes for you. “I’m sorry I yelled at you. That wasn’t right.”

“Apology accepted.” You smiled at him to take the edge off the moment. You could breathe now. The storm had passed. “Am I forgiven?” Please say yes, please say yes, please say - 

“No.” 

Your jaw dropped at Arthur’s completely serious face. “Shit, Arthur, I’m so so -”

He smiled without humour at you and you realised he had been partially joking. “I don’t forgive you because there’s nothing to forgive. You did nothing wrong. I’m the one who yelled at you, who scared you so bad you nearly had an attack. I’m sorry.”

You stepped forward, watched him carefully for any signs of rejection, and pulled him into a hug. He went with you gladly, melting into your hold, and you knew that the time for talking was over. There would be nothing more said tonight. You would choose an apartment together, focus on finding jobs, and then when the impossible became the probable and then the possible and then, the reality, then you would talk.

For now… for now, there was some serious cuddling to be done. However, there was one last thing you had to say - 

“Arthur?”

He hummed into your neck gently, his breath tickling the hairs that lay there. he sounded like he was right on the edge of sleep. Well, you would take him to bed but not to sleep. You grinned deviously as you stroked his hair in a soothing motion.

“Did you know you’re really fucking attractive when you’re angry?”

Arthur pulled back from you just in time for a loud bout of laughter to rip its way out of his throat. You didn’t mind, though - he wasn’t laughing from pain or from nerves. He was laughing because he was happy and that was all you had ever wanted for him.

Now to secure your future together…

Arthur Fleck/Joker:  @writings-of-a-gen-z @x-avantgarde-x @mapreza1 @insomniabird @mavalenovaninagavi @itwasrealenough @morrisonmercurymalek  @rand0ms-fand0ms @rafaelina-casillas @aclownthing @rebs-doom @vivft @help-i-am-obssessed @autumnaffection @taintednihilist @vladtoly @mg-woolf99 @misstgrey92 @that-s-life @dopey-girl-blogs @seeking-dreamland @sweetheart-syndrome @heartxfdesire @xmusichealsthesoulx @0callmejude0 @the-one-that-likes-riddles @hannibalsslut @folliaght @freeeshavacadoo @bingewatchingmylifegoby @unlovedbyeveryoneandeverything @okamiredfoxx @sp0okysp0oky

[tardistimes]

Malaise Malfunctions

Summary: The Master made no secret of thinking human functions were ridiculous – that you needed so many hours of sleep, routine meals, toilet breaks – a period was likely held in equal derision. You were sure Time Lords had somehow perfected menstruation in a way that would only make you jealous. It was bad enough living with someone who apparently only needed one or two hours sleep every few days. Living with the alien was going to give you a complex, you were certain of it.

Series: The Master’s Maniacal Misadventures Part 1 | Part 2

Word Count: 1,876

AO3 link here.

You didn’t want to get out of bed. The thought alone made you want to pull the sheets over your head and curl into a tight ball. If you could curl into a ball that was, the unyielding pain in your back currently made that impossible.

If you didn’t get up however he would start looking for you. Which would lead to questions. Probably leading with, why is there a stain of blood on your bed? That was a question you didn’t want to face. Any more than getting out of bed.

It wasn’t a surprise really that it had caught you off guard. Living in a time machine made it difficult to keep track of your monthly cycle. It didn’t make it any less mortifying though. If you were in your own bed back home, it might not be so bad. But staining the sheets he’d given you was different. Hopefully, you could clean them up with some cold water.

With a groan, you slid out of bed. Your feet arched as soon as they connected with the unwelcomely chilly floor, but you persisted in making your way to the bathroom. Quickly changing out of your now ruined shorts, you got dressed for another day of running towards danger. Luckily, you’d thought to pack some pain killers before your latest trip in the TARDIS and took a couple to ease the coiled pain in your back and the unpleasant ache in your abdomen. Most days you didn’t bother with makeup but, not wanting your tired pallor to draw any difficult questions, you took an extra minute to put on some blush for an injection of much-needed colour. Forcing a smile, you opened the door to your room and bounded for the console.

As always, the Master was there. Tinkering away on the TARDIS, he spared you a quick glance as you headed for the kitchenette for some cereal. The last thing you need on top of your period symptoms was hunger pangs.

You didn’t speak while you sat at the rickety table, mostly covered with old, barely legible papers. When the Master focused on something he didn’t talk much unless he was monologing. Usually, you’d try to strike up a conversation, not yet comfortable sitting in silence with him, but – while a part of you was curious about what he was doing – you were too tired to try today.

While you usually liked to chatter with him, you never minded eating alone. He’d once sat with you when you ate one morning and you felt like you were an animal being watched in a nature documentary. The Master made no secret of thinking human functions were ridiculous – that you needed so many hours of sleep, routine meals, toilet breaks – a period was likely held in equal derision. You were sure Time Lords had somehow perfected menstruation in a way that would only make you jealous. It was bad enough living with someone who apparently only needed one or two hours sleep every few days. Living with the alien was going to give you a complex, you were certain of it.

Only once you had finished your meal did he acknowledge your presence.

“Make yourself useful and pass me that.” He said, pointing towards a tool he wanted.

If it were anyone else, you would ask for the magic word, but you weren’t in the mood to try your luck today.

Bending to retrieve the wrench-like item, your uterus betrayed you with an especially vicious cramp. Curling into it, you ended up on your knees and decided it was best to stay there until the spasm passed.

“Anything else, Master?” You smiled genially as you passed the item over. You dropped it into his open palm, careful to avoid skin contact – knowing the Master didn’t like it. The last time you tried to initiate physical contact, grabbing onto his arm when an explosion had taken you by surprise, he’d flinched so violently he nearly slammed into the wall behind him.

“No.” He intoned, throwing another glance your way.

You stayed where you were, body not cooperating enough to try standing yet.

“Is there something I can do for you?” The Master asked with a raised eyebrow.

“No.” You said pleasantly, sighing happily when the tension in your abdomen lessened. Gently standing you gave him another smile before walking back to your room. As soon as you crossed the threshold, your smile dropped and you sought the warm comfort of your bed, diving in and nuzzling your pillow like it was your long lost lover. There was still a patch of blood on the sheets but the brief excursion to the console room had drained you of your ability to care.

You were just beginning to drop off when your door suddenly slammed open.

Scrambling upright, you propped yourself up on your hands and watched the Master unceremoniously enter your room.

“What the hell?” You asked, your tone angrier than you would normally dare address him with.

“You’re acting bizarrely.” He stated.

“How so?” You said through gritted teeth, hoping he would write it off as justifiable irritation rather the result of pain shooting along your back.

“You didn’t annoy me.”

You huffed. “Excuse me?”

“Usually you’d be bugging me. Asking where we’re going. What we’re going to do there. Asking what I’m working on in the TARDIS. Somehow thinking your paltry mind could comprehend such things.” He said, looking around your room curiously.

“You’re annoyed that I’m not bugging you?” You drawled back, pushing yourself up so you could lean against your headboard. “Well, if you’re missing it so much…”

He ignored you, pointing to your bed. “Is that blood? Humans bleed red right? Or am I thinking of some other minor species?”

“If you’re just going to insult me, I’m going back to sleep.” You groaned, plumping the pillow beneath you more aggressively than necessary. The Master smirked in response.

He sprawled himself over the end of your bed, propping up his head with a hand. “What’s bothering you pet? Are you malfunctioning? Your species is so delicate, I know.”

“You know, you’re in the perfect position for me to kick you in the face.” You threatened, bending your knee.

A shit-eating grin was not what you needed right now. “You’re so sweet.” He baited, tugging on your ankle and settling your leg back down on the bed. You weren’t used to him touching you and it seemed your body’s natural response to this was a burningly bright blush – talk about betrayal. It didn’t help that he kept his hand there, his thumb lightly stroking the soft skin around your heel. The last time you saw him touch someone he was threatening to choke them to death; you’d never imagined he could be so gentle, let alone you. “So?”

“So?” You replied, cursing yourself as your voice came out far too huskily.

“The blood?” He prompted.

You pulled a face.

“If you don’t tell me what’s the matter, I must presume you’re hiding a serious injury from me and carry out an inspection of your persons.” He warned, suddenly yanking your ankle and pulling you from your upright position down onto your back. You scrambled to correct yourself.

“I’m fine.” You protested, brushing the hair away from your face. As your hands smoothed past your skin you realised it was burning hot meaning your blush had only intensified. How mortifying. “Wouldn’t mind a little privacy though.”

“If you think I’m leaving, you’re delusional.” He said thinly. “And unless you’re planning on walking out into the time vortex, you’re not going anywhere either. Explain the blood.”

You groaned, pressing your palms over your eyes. “I thought you were the intelligent one! I mean, are you serious? I’m blushing, there’s blood on my sheets and I could barely walk before without collapsing.”

“Ah, I see. You had a night of vigorous, and somewhat kinky, lovemaking.” The Master suggested wryly, though he now understood.

Your next groan was more pained. Tearing your ankle free of his grasp, you pulled your knees up to your chest and hid your face against them.

“Seriously. A period has made you this irate?” He said, unimpressed.

“I am not in the mood to be teased.” You grumbled into your knees.

“It’s a perfectly natural bodily function.”

“Oh yeah, I’m sure you’re about to tell me how stupid it is and how it’s proof of my species’ inferiority.”

“I think I’ve got enough evidence to confirm that already.” He chuckled, moving up the bed. He prised the hands from your face, holding them tightly so you couldn’t hide again. “There’s no need to suffer in silence you know. Or to get arsy with me.”

You pouted. “I wasn’t arsy. Not until you broke into my room anyway and then it was completely justified.”

“My TARDIS, my rules. Or do I need to remind you of that, pet?”

For a split second, you could have sworn he directed that threat at your lips but his eyes were back on yours in an instant, so you dismissed it as your imagination playing tricks.

Letting your shoulders slump you gave in. “My back hurts. And my cramps are bad. And I’m exhausted.” You listed, falling backwards onto the bed. He released your hands as you went, looking down at you in amusement. The rest of your list was muttered into your pillow. “And I want salty food. And a milkshake. And I want to sleep until this is all over.”

“Would your majesty care for anything else?” The Master responded sardonically.

“A puppy to cuddle?”

You laughed at his expression of disgust. “Where did I lose you, with the puppy or a cuddle? A puppy is this animal we have on Earth…”

“I’m well aware.” He sighed, secretly pleased you were back to teasing him. Your lack of interest had disturbed him earlier – for a brief second misinterpreting it as a disinterest in him, before realising that was ridiculous and that there was clearly something else afoot.

“Oh yeah, genius. I remember. Okay, so a cuddle…”

“I preferred it when you were quiet.”

Rolling your head against the pillow, you gave him a mischievous smile. “I think you care really.”

“You are not getting a puppy. If you try to sneak one on here, I’ll skin it alive.”

You cooed at the threat. “You wouldn’t dare.”

“Let’s not find out, shall we?” He decided. “And before you even try to ask, no I’m not cuddling you. You can pout all you want to.”

Immediately you retracted your lip, not even realising you’d stuck it out in the first place.

“Get some rest. I’ll take us somewhere to eat in a bit. You can have all the salt, fat and sugar-laden foods you want. But don’t expect me to hold back your hair when you vomit later.”

“Milkshakes?” You asked optimistically.

With a sigh, wondering what he had come to, he agreed.

“You’re the best, Master.”

That made him grin. “You’re a pretty good pet yourself. In fact, give me a little time and I bet I can even teach you how to play dead and fetch the newspaper.”

Your pillow hit him squarely in the face.

Be kind, this is my first time writing in the second person since secondary school and I don't even want to think about how long ago that is now. This is also only my third work about the Master, so I'm still working on my characterisation. I hope you all enjoyed it anyway.

[ldrmas]

Things will change part 1

Sanders Sides WIP fanfic that would not leave me alone. 

Warnings: mentions of past self harm. 

Note: During and Post Putting Others First! Bold letters are the lies for Janus. Remus is a little OC because I do NOT know how to write him in character so I just did the best I could. The initialized bold words are what you should actually do in the case of an anxiety attack. 

RelationShips: In this chapter its just a nod to Past Remus/Virgil and Past Janus/Virgil. This is not Logan/Virgil but if you see it that way I don’t mind. 

~~~~

 Virgil could hear what was happening. He had tried not to show himself since revealing to Thomas that he was once a dark side. He wasn’t ready to face Thomas or even the others after saying that out loud. But now it was getting bad. Virgil could feel the tension even from deep within his room. As much as it scared him, he needed to go, for maybe in some small way he could help. He at least had to try. He owed Thomas and the others that much.

As Virgil finally got up and headed to his door, arms suddenly wrapped around him, halting him in place. “What!” 

“Hello, Virgil.” Anxiety froze in the arms that were holding him but his face hardened. He tried to look over his shoulder at the slimy snake.

 “Deceit. What are you doing here? Let me go.” Deceit was always the one who could come into his room without him knowing. No matter how much he tried to keep the liar from entering his space, Deceit always got in. 

“I can’t let you go up there.”

“What!?”

“You heard me, Virgil. I can’t let you interfere. You won’t do any good.” 

“Liar!” Virgil growled and started to struggle in Deceit’s many arms once again. The yellow snake sighed behind him only to then reach forward and cup Anxiety’s chin in a gloved palm.

“Then you leave me no choice.”

“No!” Virgil screamed before his lips clashed with Deceit’s and once they met, Virgil instantly went unconscious. The yellow colored side lowered them both to the floor before securing Virgil’s hands and legs so just in case he did reawake he still wouldn’t be able to move for a while. He finished with a cloth around Anxeity’s lips then sunk out of the room. He had a large frog to take care of. 

 ~

Logan was walking to the kitchen to retrieve some medicine. During the argument about the wedding De-Janus had pulled him away rather harshly. It was what he wanted, not the whole being pulled away thing, but for Janus to take over for him. He did wish that the snake could have chosen gentler methods of course. That cane had bruised his ribs rather badly.

When he passed by Anxiety’s room though he paused. He had just been paying enough attention to hear a slight thumping that was coming from within Virgil’s room. It was quite faint but after leaning closer he could still hear it.

“Virgil, I’m coming in.” Logan announced and quickly opened the door. There in a heap upon the floor was his friend tied up.

“Virgil!” Logan gasped and rushed into the room falling besides Anxiety. He lifted his friend up onto his knees but suddenly Virgil started thrashing trying to back away.

“Virgil, calm down. It’s just me, Logan. Virgil, Look at me!” It seemed to have frighten Virgil even more but still once he and Logan met eyes, some of the fight had drained from the Anxious side.

“Virgil, it’s alright. I won’t hurt you. Let me take this off.” Logan reached forward and removed the cloth that had been tied around the purple colored side’s head. “Take deep breaths, it’s alright.”

Virgil did just that, took in deep breaths and focused on Logan’s voice. He also said over and over in his mind that Logan would never do him harm. The Logical side of Thomas would never physically hurt him.

“You’ve – You’ve got to stop him.” Virgil finally said in a shaky tone.

“Who?”

“Deceit. He went to Thomas. He’s probably fighting Patton and Roman right now. You gotta leave me and go help them!”

“Virgil, that happened hours ago. I was the one who asked Deceit to step in.”

“You what? Are you serious?” Virgil practically shrieked, staring at Logan in shock.

Logan sighed before his eyes hardened. “Yes, I’m always serious, Virgil. You know this.”

“Then why!”

“The others were not listening to me and Patton was getting out of control. I asked De-well, as we now know him as Janus, to step in and handle it. He reigned in Patton. Thomas ended the video and has since gone to bed. Janus’s room has been moved to our side. Patton and Roman haven’t left their rooms since sinking out. Virgil?” Logan had glanced at Anixety, who had gone practically white and his eyes widened in now complete surprise.

“He told you?”

“Told us what?” Logan asked, not necessarily following Virgil’s question.

“His name?”

“Ah yes. Janus revealed his name to Thomas and the others, which is why Thomas came to accept him, hence why his room is now on our side. Now enough about that, why are you tied up? What happened?” Logan questioned as he took in Virgil’s state. His friend seemed unharmed other than the ropes upon his wrists and ankles. “I’m going to try to remove these.”

“De-Janus came into my room before entering the conversation, I guess. He said I couldn’t interfere, that I wouldn’t do any good. He -uhhh- He knocked me out and so he must’ve tied me up while I was out.” Virgil said though he left out how exactly it happened. It wasn’t Logan’s business though. He tried to hold still as Logan pulled at the binds.

“Well, given the circumstances, I do actually agree with him.”

“Are you for real right now?”

“Of course, I – no, never mind, you know that answer. Anyway, I agree with him because it’s Patton who we were trying to stop. Well, not necessarily stop but to show that he had gone too far. And Virgil, out of all of us, you love Patton the most.”

“I still would have-“

“Don’t interrupt. And no, we both know you wouldn’t have done anything! It’s not a bad thing that you care about him, Virgil, but if you would have gone up there, Patton would have have gotten worse or you would have frozen and Thomas would have had an outright panic attack. What Thomas needed at that moment was Janus. He needed someone who would stick up for his self-preservation. That out of all of us is Janus’s sole job. Now let’s focus on getting you out of these. Why are they so difficult?” Logan grumbled as no matter what he did the ropes never loosened or came even remotely undone.

“Ow!” Virgil hissed as a rope was digging deeper into his already bruised wrist. “Stop, already. You won’t be able to untie them! Janus learned knots from Remus and Remus’s knots are impossible to undo. You need to cut them.”

“Alright, do you have anything to cut them with then?” Logan asked before looking about in the room. He also tried to shake himself together, the effects of Virgil’s room were starting to affect him.

Virgil lowly sighed and somewhat turned away. “Bathroom, top drawer, you can’t miss it.”

Logan didn’t stay to question Virgil’s tone, so he headed into the bathroom. Once coming to the drawers, he opened the top one as instructed and paused as he saw the contents.

 “Oh.” He softly gasped out. In the middle of the otherwise organized drawer was a single razor blade, clean and glinting in the bathroom light. He didn’t even realize he had moved but once he noticed that he was back at Virgil’s side he held the blade between them.

“Virgil, is this- Have you-“

“I haven’t done it since Thomas accepted me.”  Virgil quietly confessed as he looked upon his floor.

“I see.” Logan replied before taking in a deep breath to focus. They would both need to talk about this later, but for right now it was most definitely not the time. “Now hold very still, I don’t want to hurt you further.”

In the silence, Logan used the blade to cut away at the ropes. Once Virgil’s wrists were finally free, he moved and started again working on the others that bound Anxiety’s legs. “If I may just ask one more question, if you don’t use it anymore why do you still have it?”

“To remember, I guess.” Virgil answered but they both knew there was no guessing. And for now, Logan would leave it at that. He freed Virgil completely and gently got him to his feet.

“I can’t stay in here any longer, we both know that, but your wrists need healing. Come with me to my room, I have salves that will help.” Virgil knew that Logan wasn’t giving him an option, so he nodded and followed the Logical side out of his room. Just before they left though, Logan placed the blade in Virgil’s hand closing his fingers around it.

“I trust you.” Logan simply said and it was all Virgil needed at that moment. Logan believed him when he confessed that he wasn’t doing it anymore. More than that it was just that Logan trusted him, that alone meant so much. Anxiety smiled as they walked out into the hall.

“Oh.” Both Logan and Virgil froze turning to the voice. Janus stood before them seeming to have just be coming from the kitchen to head to his room. He hadn’t expected to run into any one just as Logic and Anxiety hadn’t expected to run into him.

“I am not at all glad you got him, Logan. I was not by any means about to release him myself.”  Janus said in his typical smooth voice as he looked back and forth between both sides. The snake boi had indeed been just coming from the mind palace’s kitchen with Virgil’s favorite snack. A little bribing when untying the man you tied up in the first place never hurt anyone after all.

“Yes, well you went a little over-board with him, Janus, so excuse us.” Logan reached to steer Virgil toward his room, but the purple dressed side wouldn’t budge. He was frozen and staring at Janus. Janus seemed to deflate at that look and genuinely looked apologetic as he stepped closer to cup Virgil’s face in his hands.

“I am sorry, Virgil. I didn’t mean to go to that extreme. I – I shouldn’t have done that and again I’m sorry, will you forgive me?” 

“Virgil!” Logan was the one to yelp as he forced Janus back and took Virgil’s bleeding hand into his own. Virgil had squeezed his fist so tightly that the blade in his hand had sliced his palm. Logan made him drop the blade and held his tie to the wound to stop the bleeding.

“You two may talk later, right now is not the time.” Logan was mainly speaking to Janus and finally was able to force Virgil into his room. Once the door was locked, he eased Virgil upon his bed and fell to his knees in front of him.

“Virgil, breath. Do your exercise. Hold your breath for 4 seconds, now breath in for seven seconds, finally release for 8 seconds. Repeat. Just focus on my voice. Hold for 4, good, now breath in for 7. Good Virgil, good, your doing good. Release for 8. Repeat one more time.” Logan talked him through the exercise several times until Virgil finally nodded and caught Logan’s gaze.

“I’m okay…I’m okay now.”

“Are you sure? Do it as much as you need to.”

“No, I’m good. I promise. And um…you actually did it wrong.” Virgil couldn’t help but let out a small chuckle.

“What do you mean?” Logan asked before stepping away to grab a washcloth from his own bathroom. Once he had returned, Virgil responded. “It’s actually breath in for 4 seconds, hold for 7, then release for 8.”

“Oh, apologizes, I was so focused on getting you started on the exercise that I misspoken. I am glad that it worked even though I had said it wrong.” The logical side explained as he then focused his attention to Virgil’s hand. “Apologies again.” He quickly added as he pressed the dampened cloth into the cut palm.

“Ow!” Virgil hissed through clenched teeth but made sure not to pull his hand away. Logan examined the cut quickly then pressed the cloth again. “Squeeze the cloth while I get bandages and the salve for your wrists.”

Virgil did as he was told, and it was only moments later that Logic was back with the supplies. It wasn’t surprising. Logan probably had his whole room categorized that he could find anything he was looking for in seconds flat.

“The blade didn’t slice too deeply so simple bandages will suffice. I suggest applying this salve for the next week for these burns look worse that I originally thought. Let me look at your ankles.”

“NO!” Virgil yelped but Logan had already pulled up his pant leg seeing the faded cuts as well as where the ropes had burned him.

“Virgil, it’s alright. I knew that’s where they would be since you didn’t have any on your wrists. Virgil, look at me.” Logan said gently and Virgil took a moment or two but eventually met Logic’s eyes. “It’s alright.”

Virgil could only nod and he remained silent as Logic did his work. Logan applied the salve where it was needed and then moved onto Virgil’s hand to bandage it. Just as he was about to finish, he cleared his throat to let Anxiety know he was going to talk again.

“Do you wish to tell me what Janus did when he came to you?” He felt how Virgil went stiff, so he spoke in a gentler tone. “You do not at all have to tell if you do not want to, but I am concerned. You seemed so frightened in the hallway. Did he hurt you, other than with the ropes?”

“He…Janus, he…”

“You don’t have to say-“

“No….I – I can say it. He’s going to be here now so one of you should at least know. He and I …when we were both on the dark side that is….we would have…moments together….”

“Sexual moments?” Virgil only nodded before wrapping his free arm around himself. “Did he touch you when he came to you just now?” Logan went on to ask.

“He kissed me….it wasn’t a real kiss….though …Janus has knock out powers …that’s how he uses them…” 

Logan stored that bit of knowledge away but came back to the present as Virgil continued. “It’s how I was able to sleep most of the time when I was on the dark side. He helped me. But what we shared… it was just companionship… Remus and I shared some moments too but I don’t know, it was different to what Janus and I shared…but it still didn’t mean anything. In…in the hallway it was just such a shock to see him and I was still getting over you knowing what I had done in the past and it…it…”

“It was just too much all at once when you laid eyes on him?”

“Yeah…” Virgil replied as Logan finally finished with his hand, so he pulled it closer to himself.

“Well…in time I believe it would be best if you both talked since it’s as you said he will be living with us now. Well he’s always lived with us, but I know you know what I mean. But tonight is not a good time. It has been a long enough night and day for us all, you need sleep. You should stay in here as well…”

“I don’t wanna im-“

“There is plenty of room for you here and the logical solution for you to getting proper rest would be to stay in here. My room is a neutral feelings zone, stay for the night, get some proper sleep, and then we can all refocus in the morning.”

Virgil still looked hesitant, so Logan took his hand reassuringly. “I’d really prefer it if you stayed, but I also don’t wish to force you, what do you want to do, Virgil?”

“….I don’t want to be alone…” Virgil quietly admitted and Logan nodded in agreement. He didn’t want Virgil alone right now either. “Then your welcome to stay.” With that Logan, got up happy that he didn’t have to fight the issue further. He put the medical supplies away in his bathroom before returning to his bed. “I’m going to go into the kitchen to get something. Make yourself comfortable and I’ll be right back, do you want anything?”

When Virgil shook his head, Logic turned to his door, “Alright, I’ll be back in a few moments.” With that Logan left the purple clothed side to get comfortable and to have a few minutes so he could change into night clothes.

 He immediately looked to the floor hallway and frowned when he didn’t see the blade. Someone else who walked by must have grabbed it or it must have been Janus. He would have to ask the snake for it back when he saw him again.

It turned out that he saw him again immediately for Janus was sitting at the mind palace kitchen table. “Hello, again, Janus.”

The snake looked up at his name and his mix matched eyes followed Logan who walked to the medicine cupboard. “Good evening, Logan. Hmm…oh, my cane must have felt wonderful against your ribs if your taking something?”

Logan had swallowed a pain pill with a glass of water before staring back at the yellow dressed side. “Minor bruises with only a slight pinch of pain. Inconvenience at most, nothing to worry yourself about.” 

Janus chuckled as he held his hand in his cupped palm. “Oh, you know I’m not worried at all.” Before Logan could say anything further, Remus had stormed into the kitchen and slammed his hands on the table.

“You bastard ! You tied up ScareBear without me!”

“I do not know what on earth you are talking about, Remus.” Janus sighed as he leaned back in his chair and looked at his gloves.

“Oh, you slimy weasel! I know you used my knots! How unfun are you! If you tie up Tickle me Emo you’re suppose to invite me! I didn’t teach you those knots so that you tie him up whenever you gosh well please!” Remus pouted as he crossed his arms over his chest.

“You know when he’s using your knots?” Logan said slowly so that he could come to understand what was being said. Both Janus and Remus glanced at him, the R rated creativity Side looking surprised that he was even there.

“Yes, my knots are special, LoLo. I know when they’re being used on others and usually who they are being used on. Besides out of all of us, you and your lot are too goody two shoes to be using my knots on each other.”

“As if they would know the knots to ever do such a thing in the first place.”

“Exactly!” Remus yelled while pointing a black nail painted finger at Deceit.  “Now apologize, you bitch!” 

Janus rolled his eyes before placing his hand over where his heart would be. “Oh my dear, I’m not at all deeply sorry that I kept you from the absolute joy it was to tie up our friend.”

“Oh whatever, just don’t do it again.” Remus rolled his own eyes and turned about to leave but Logan spoke up, halting him in his tracks.

“Remus, before you go, I would like to ask you something?”

“Record Scratch.” Remus gasped before turning back to the two and looked at Logan with general surprise. “You-You want to talk…to me?”

“Yes, I would. Since you brought up Virgil, and since you will most likely be joining us on this side in the future-“

“Oh please, as if! You think I want Thomas to accept me? No way on a dead hose! If he accepts me, what fun will that be?”

“Fair enough. Even if Thomas doesn’t accept you, we will still be seeing more of you. So, I wish to know something….” Logan paused to see if either Remus or even Janus for that matter would interrupt him, but it seemed that both of them were honestly curious about what he was going to ask. “…did you or did you not have sex with Virgil?”

It was surprising to see but Remus had actually gone slightly pale and froze at the question. The dark side of creativity’s eyes instantly shot to Janus before immediately looking away. He then began bouncing on his toes and brought his thumb to chew on the nail. The look of fear was new on Remus to Logan and the logical side glanced at Janus before looking to Remus once more.

“….Yesssss…..” Remus finally answered, dragging out the syllable just as a child caught with his hands in the cookie jar would draw out a lie.

“Leave us, Remus.” Janus added and the green dressed side didn’t wait a second longer before rushing out of the kitchen to return to his room.

 Logan had moved to sit across from the snake side and leveled him with an unimpressed stare. “Care to explain?” 

TBC 

~~~

Note: I want it known that Janus was never abusive to Virgil. I want to make that very clear. Neither was Remus! What they shared in this story was with all the way consent!

[make-me-imagine]

Hello love ♡

First of all, I want to congratulate you on your 5500 follower milestone! That's incredible♡! I love your writings, Mera, and I think that your ship celebration is a wonderful idea!

Could I please request a male matchup for Marvel, Harry Potter and Lord of the Rings/Hobbit? With the additional "What you did for your first date" and "Ways they show you they love you without words" headcanons for all three of them? I'm female, she/her.

To begin with, I'm full of contradictions, utterly boring, very insecure and highly complicated. I would say my strongest personality traits are my kindness, calmness and sympathy. It's almost impossible to scare or upset me, because I always see the good in a person and recognize where anger, frustration and despair come from. There's no cruelty in me at all. I'm open and impartial towards everything and everyone, without any judgment or prejudice. I also have a calming/grounding effect on other people and animals, which is great because I honestly love all sorts of animals (I'm also a vegetarian because I refuse to intentionally hurt any animal). I have a faszination for chaos and rebellion, but am quite submessive/timid and a clean-/control freak myself. I'm always well-meaning and there to help others. I despise people who enjoy the suffering of others, just because they have the 'power' to. I'm very open-minded and I think that every opinion matters and that whatever someone has to say is important, at least to them and therefore for me. I will never ignore someone's sorrows and suffering and I try my hardest to help and comfort as best I can. But, even though I see the good in everything, I'm very insecure myself and have little love and understanding for myself. I have a very bad self-esteem and not a particularly positive self-perception, which mostly defines my actions. It makes me believe that I'm a burden to others and that I annoy them. I feel like I'm not "worthy" of love/there's nothing lovable about me, that there are too many problems in contrast to the little good things. Nevertheless, I would never change myself for anything or anyone, I'm who I'm. For me, dealing and interacting with people is really difficult, because I'm so clumsy and nervous around them and easily feel like I'm making a fool out of myself. Another reason is that I fear to be rejected and thrown aside when someone sees how boring, problematic and annoying I actually am. You would be surprised how timid and reserved I'm; I'm sure you wouldn't notice me in a room full of people if it wouldn't be for my different appearance (I'm always wearing only black, have dyed my hair a little and two ear piercings). I almost never like the "typical" heroes and righteous characters. And somehow I have such a undergoing disdain for any figure in the police and law department. Because I'm easily sad and not a funny/joking person, I like and enjoy people who aren't too serious themselves. And I'm the most loyal person you'll ever find, once you earn my trust, I'll always be on and by your side, no matter what. I've always felt like I don't belong anywhere, like I'm the only cat in a room full of dogs. That's probably why I have a soft spot for the weirdos, outcasts, loners and "crazy" ones. Though, in my opinion, the definition of normal, crazy and real are very subjective. My whole life I've felt kinda judged, misunderstood and unwanted. People often falsely think that my unassuming nature is naivity and take my social-insecurity for aloofness and coldness. I'm also quite opinionated and aware of what I want, how I feel and who I am. I'm often questioning my surroundings, the traditions and rules and I have no problem challenging others, even authority. I'm a perfectionist, which often leads me to overthinking and that can be equally good and bad. I'm absolutely clueless in romance and totally oblivious to flirting because I'm 100% inexperienced in this stuff, but I'm a bit of a hopeless romantic.

-Luna 1/2

Hey Luna, I hope you like what I came up with. You provided a bit more information than was necessary lmao, I forgot the word limit for asks was extended. BUT, it was enough to give me a good feel for who to ship you with, so I hope you like them!

All ships are under the cut: 

Marvel: 

I ship you with Clint.

Clint was my immediate thought when reading your information. He is very loyal and kind-hearted and I think would be most drawn to those who are kind, loyal, and have strong morals. He would try his best to show you how great you are through your insecurities, he loves you for who you are and sees no flaws in you. He would be very good at showing his care and love for everything you are. He does not need words to know how you feel as he is very good at seeing through you and knowing what you feel without them.

What you did for your first date: 

You would have a fun yet casual day out date.

First you would go on a walk through a nearby park, talking and joking about everything and nothing. 

Then you would go to a musical instrument museum.

He loves music too, so this would be great for both of you.

You got to see the evolution of music and instruments and listened to various kinds of music.

You spent hours in the museum together.

To finish the date of you went to a restaurant, you chose the place to go too since he knew you were vegetarian and he wanted you to share your favorite place and meals with him. 

Ways they show you they love you without words: 

He loves physical touch as well, so he would often express himself through various physical actions. 

Placing a kiss to the back of your hand, or head. 

Hugging you close to him randomly. 

Wrapping you up in his arms on the couch when watching movies as he randomly kisses the side of your head or face. 

Best Friend: 

I think your best friend would be Steve. He is a very kind and compassionate person and would be very brotherly to you. he would never force you out of your comfort zone and would often check in on you. He can sometimes be a bit serious, but it never pushy towards you. He is very caring and helps you to accept yourself and things around you. 

-

Harry Potter: 

I ship you with Harry. 

Harry is a very encouraging and accepting person and I think he would see the best in you and would never stop showing and proving to you that you are worthy of love and compassion. He would find you to be beautiful and never sees the flaws that you try to convince yourself that you have. I think he would be one of the best people to show you that you matter and are beautiful. 

What you did for your first date:

You first met at Hogwarts, and since there was not much choice in dates he chose something simple that he knew you would enjoy. 

You left during dinner and took an evening stroll around the grounds.

You stayed out past curfew and sat on a nearby hill watching the stars together.

When you began to get sleepy you snuck back in and he walked you back to your room.  

Ways they show you they love you without words:

He brings you your favorite snacks and drinks randomly. 

Randomly drapes his cloak or jacket over your shoulders when you are cold. 

Will take your hand in his and rubs his fingers softly over your skin. 

Hugs you from behind randomly. 

Will play your favorite music throughout the house when he knows that you are stressed or sad. 

Best Friend:

Hermione. She is very good at making you feel better about the world and yourself. She is always open to going on long walks and listening to you rant about anything or just to talk when needed. She is good at giving advice and never lets you feel inferior to anyone. 

-

Lotr: 

I ship you with Aragorn. 

Out of everyone, I think Aragorn would be the best suited for you. He is kind, and patient and sees the best in everyone. He would see the best in you and is very good at showing it to you too. He will always make you feel wanted and needed. He does not let anyone take you for granted and will always stand up for you. He loves that you love music and will sing for you when you are stressed or having trouble falling asleep. 

What you did for your first date:

Aragorn being Aragorn, woud take you on a horse ride to a beautiful forest.

You would go exploring and walking through the meadows.

He would share his knowledge of various plants with you and pick you flowers along the way, making you a small bouquet. 

Once it got late, you two sat on the top of a hill and watched the sunset, waiting for the stars to come out before making your way back. 

Ways they show you they love you without words:

Surprising you with flowers randomly. 

Holding your hand as you walk through town on a quiet evening. 

Bringing you various plants and taking care of them for you.

Planting you a garden with all of your favorite plants and flowers. 

Hand-making you a special pendant to wear or hang somewhere in your home. 

Best Friend:

Out of everyone, I think you would form a bond with Eowyn. She is caring and quiet, and is very easy to get along with She is very good at making people aware of their worth and of feeling wanted. She would never make you angry or disappoint you. I think you two would become so close that you consider each other family. 

xx