#it's one thing to say that 'these situations affected my actions' which is half of what this essay is abt

[thedroloisms]

just an essay bc it's been on my mind but the way that victimhood becomes a weapon on social media is so fucking stupid and counterintuitive to actual advocacy. people wielding "im a victim" as a defense not only in situations actually involving their specific case but also in basically every damn situation in the world is so ???? even in cases involving dream, for example, i will see people using his history as a means of defending him (it's really fucked up that you would accuse a victim of ___, he's an abuse victim i'm sure he won't defend ___ and that he'll ___) and while i understand where that sentiment comes from, the base assumption it's making is...nakedly untrue. and assuming its truthfulness can hurt victims moreso than it helps them.

being a victim isn't moralizing. being a victim doesn't make you a good person. suffering isn't absolution, and going through fucked up shit doesn't make someone "good." people equate abuser = bad person and victim = good person, and then assume that victims are incapable of abusive behavior or "problematic" internalized ideas. an abuser can't be neurodivergent, or mentally ill, or part of a marginalized group, and most importantly an abuser can't be a victim. the boxes of victim and abuser are strictly defined with no overlap. once you've been through something truly, verifiably, Fucked Up (tm), congrats! you get a certificate of eternal victimhood that prevents you from ever being a Real Bad Person ever for the rest of your life.

only that's not how real life works! it's just not! generational trauma leads to cycles of abuse that perpetuate themselves over whole generations of people! the kids that think that it's perfectly fine and a-okay for a parent to physically punish their children don't tend to be the ones with parents that don't lay a finger on them! and you know, it sucks. it sucks that you get nothing out of being hurt, that there's no fucking prize, that there are no suffering vouchers for you to cash in because of the abuse you suffered that can give you good-person-points. it sucks to endure all that shit for nothing. but the opposite idea of suffering making you a good person is the exact reason why some people preach about the miles they walked to school in the driving rain to excuse taking out their shitty temper on their small children.

being abused generally doesn't make one "better." if anything, trauma tends to fuck you up in ways that hurt you...and others. going through shit tends to make people worse. working to get better is something that requires actual conscious effort, not something that you are given as a side effect of going through hell. over and over again, traumatized individuals who are made to feel powerless and given little freedom and ability to change their circumstances, when in a situation where they are given power to some degree over some person, may choose to abuse that power while they're in their own abusive situation or after. part of being a victim of abuse often means having a distorted view of the abuse you've been through! it can mean normalizing fucked up behavior! looking at shit and treating it lightly because you've been taught that it's "not that bad," if you've been taught that it's bad at all! victims aren't granted perfect ideologies from god because they walked through flames--cult survivors usually have to unlearn all sorts of messed up beliefs that were drilled into them--beliefs that many people on twitter would then damn them for, because obviously if you've thought something like that in the past then you're a bigoted hateful individual.

i can only speak from my own experience, but i can't fucking count the number of people i've heard of or met or known personally who have been through some kind of trauma in the past, who are undoubtably victims of abuse, who then go on to act in toxic, manipulative, and abusive ways to others. oftentimes, these people are aware of the fact that they were in abusive situations in the past and make quite a big deal about the fact that they care about victims, as a victim, and want to advocate for them. they're the same people who react extremely negatively to anyone alluding to the idea that they could be abusive--they're not like that, they've been abused, how could anyone accuse them of abusing another person, don't they know how much that hurts with their history. and so on and so forth.

and...i have a lot of sympathy for these individuals, generally speaking. because as mentioned above, being abused in the past doesn't necessarily make it harder for you to be a perpetrator in the future. sometimes--oftentimes, even--it's the opposite. and i feel for them, because going through trauma and being hurt makes you scramble for ways to not be hurt again, and oftentimes the easiest answer for that (and the ways of solving problems as modeled to them in the past!) is control, and controlling another party can very easily slip into manipulative, abusive behavior. especially if you still have internalized ideas mixed in with the fear that surviving abuse entails, internalized ideas that are often left unexamined by people who believe that their victimhood absolves them from any further responsibility. i feel for people who are deathly afraid of ever being seen as terrible people, oftentimes because of the shit that they went through, who seek explanations for their abusers' behavior that make it so much easier to simplify the matter into "they're something separate from me, something that i can never become." i sympathize with the anger and fear and frustration and grief that might never had had a healthy outlet while in a past situation that ends up poured out into places where it shouldn't be in the present, i sympathize with the desire to find reason in being hurt where it doesn't exist, to want there to be something to make the whole damn thing worth it instead of having nothing to take with you but your pain.

but at the end of the day, that's not how life works. that's not how abuse works. yeah, there are abusers who are cruel for cruelty's sake, who are aware of the harm they do and desire to cause more--and there are just as many who genuinely believe that they're doing the right thing, that they're doing good, that they care for the one that they're hurting unselfishly and wholeheartedly. there are many, many people who hurt others because they have been hurt before, and this isn't an excuse--of course not--but refusing to acknowledge the ways that pain can perpetuate itself and blinding oneself to the possibility of their own actions ever being abusive can literally be how this pain continues. it's good to be self aware, it's good to want to do the right thing, but assuming that victims are good people because of the suffering they went through not only means that so-called "bad victims" (or anyone that's not yet Acceptably untangled the thought patterns and actions that have been normalized to them, or anyone who lashes out in quote-unquote appropriate ways as judged by whatever social media council is handing out social justice tickets for the week) get overlooked and ignored, but abusive patterns of behavior are allowed to continue to exist, just in a repackaged form with different language. it's not fair to victims to nail them to this standard of so-called righteousness that is also inextricably connected to their experiences, allowed to be revoked if they're too "abuser" to be "victim" anymore, or to overlook the victims of their behavior because their inherent suffering-borne righteousness keeps them from crossing the line into bad behavior.

at the end of the day, no one deserves abuse, victims deserve to be advocated for, and people who have been through horrific shit didn't deserve to go through horrific shit. but you don't get handed get-out-of-jail-free cards for being treated badly, you know?

[hxney-lemcn]

Friend's From Strange Places — Mr. Crawling x gn! reader

summery: walking home, you meet a strange entity that seems to claim you as a friend on sight.

tw: none.

a/n: had to give my two cents to the Homicipher fandom.

wc: 0.9k

Master List

Part One | Part Two

You felt like you were going crazy. You swear you saw something following you in the corner of your eye, but every time you turned to look there was no one. Sure, it was dark out which meant it was more likely that your brain was playing tricks on you and you were strangely paranoid at the moment, but you couldn’t get over the feeling that something was watching you. The hairs on the back of your neck were standing on end as you walked faster, the street lights glowing faintly in the night not doing much to comfort you. 

You tensed, a strange clicking noise causing your breathing to quicken along with your steps. You were basically running at this point, the sound of shuffling and more clicks picking up its pace in tandem with you. You would’ve felt silly, but the adrenaline pumping through your veins overrode any other thought you had. You needed to escape, you needed to hide, whatever was following you seemed otherworldly (if it was even real in the first place). 

Suddenly everything was silent. No crickets, no hum of the street lights, no cooing owls or passing cars. The only thing you could hear was your thrumming heart and your panting breaths. Every fiber in your being was telling you to not look back, but it seemed your body had a mind of its own as you slowly turned to look back. 

You let out a shriek, raising your hands to shield yourself from the entity. You only managed to catch a glimpse of long black hair and grey tinted skin, but it was enough to scare you as you hadn’t expected to see anything. You heard more clicking before the shuffling noise moved away from you. Taking deep breaths, you tried to get your shaking under control before peaking through your fingers. You nearly let out another shriek, but managed to keep it internal as your eyes met the entity that’s been following you on your walk home.

His hair was much longer than you originally thought, black locks reaching its feet. His hair obscured the upper half of his face, but you noticed the blotchy red splotches of skin that peaked through above his nose. Finally, he wore a pitch blank kimono that would’ve made him blend in with the night if it weren’t for the street lamps. A frown tugged at his lips, head lowered as he let out short clicks.  A ghost. You were seeing a real life ghost. You weren’t sure what to think. Was he going to kill you? Why hasn’t he already? Why did he look…sad? Was he…trying to communicate with you? You should run, you should find an exorcist, you should…do literally anything else than what you were going to do. Maybe the characters in horror movies weren’t as stupid as you thought…or maybe you shouldn’t watch so much horror as it seemed the stupid main characters were rubbing off on you.

Pulling your hands away from you crouched down to his height since the ghost was in a crawling position. You couldn’t see his eyes, but you had the strange sense that he was watching you.

“H-hello,” You stuttered, trying to figure out why the hell you were doing this. This seemed to cause the ghost to perk up, head tilting as it let out more chirps. Your eyebrows furrowed, unsure how to understand what he was trying to say. “I don’t understand.”

The being crawled closer to you, smiling as it lifted a hand and pet your hair. You blinked in confusion, feeling your cheeks warm at the sudden affection. It chirped some more before he let out what you assume is a laugh. Your mouth opens, but no words come out as you're left astounded by the whole situation. You were running for your life not moments ago, only for it to be a strangely friendly ghost. Unsure of what to do, you thought it would only be polite to reciprocate his actions, patting his head in return, before standing back up.

“Um, it was nice meeting you,” You waved, feeling a bit awkward. Did he even understand what you were saying? He tilted his head again, crawling closer to you, saying something that went over your head. Unsure of what it meant, you turned around slowly before making your way back to your home. Glancing back, you noticed the smiling ghost crawl after you, looking as happy as ever. 

Pausing your steps, you asked, “Are you coming with me?”

You weren’t sure what you were expecting, of course you didn’t understand his response, the being chittering and chirping. One thing rang clear, he seemed to want to go with you. You purse your lips feeling conflicted. Wasn’t it a bad thing to be haunted? To have a ghost in your life? They trick you into thinking they're good only to harm you. But the way this ghost acted seemed so innocent, like it just wanted a friend and you were probably the first one to notice, let alone treat him kindly. He was following you like he had nothing better to do, and to his credit, you weren’t sure how much a ghost can do without being bored out of their mind.

“Okay,” You relented with a sigh, already crumbling. Has it really been so long since someone was friendly with you that you’d befriend a ghost with no question? “C’mon,” You waved at him to follow you. “Let’s go.” The ghost chirped happily, crawling alongside you on your short walk home. 

Who would’ve guessed a human and a ghost could be friends?

[kalki-tarot]

A conversation between you and your future spouse – timeless pac 💌

Disclaimer : this reading is for entertainment purposes only and does not guarantee any possible outcomes. Tarot is not 100% correct all the times. Your life is in your hands and you are responsible for your own actions and decisions.

Pile one 💫

This situation seems like some third party is affecting your relationship. The third party can be anything from people to things to addictions etc. You assumed thay future spouse may have lied to you about something which caused a fight between you guys. Remember that fights are normal in a relationship. And can be resolved with proper communication and understanding.

Your fs : See, I'm too disappointed with this situation and i deeply regret it. But you see, it's not entirely my fault..

You : I'm completely heartbroken because of you

Your fs : I clearly left and ignored that woman when she approached me darling, I walked away! I don't even know that woman!

Your anger calms down when your fs explains themselves. And you feel relieved. You may have insecurities about your fs leaving you for some other woman, so you got angry.

You : You know that I'm scared of you leaving me alone for someone else

Your fs : I know that, and i will never leave you sweetheart! Do you get that!? Don't get insecure about anything. I'm always yours. You are my better half and you are the only one with whom i feel at home, at peace.

Your fs comforts you and tells you how much you mean to them and you need not worry about anything or anyone. They also hug you and rub your back for sometime. This situation may take place while you guys are on a trip or traveling somewhere.

Pile two 💫

Wow, this conversation will take place when you are getting married or about to get married to your fs. You are happy and excited but you are also having racing thoughts and a restless heart. You are just feeling nervous about the whole thing, some of you guys actually suffer from overthinking and anxiety. And you are having intrusive thoughts at this moment.

Your fs : Hey honey ~ why are you standing there all alone? Come! Have fun with all our friends and relatives. Let's have a drink together ^^

You just stand there silent and say : Umh, I'm actually kinda scared.. to get married i guess..? This all seems to fast to me. I'm having intrusive thoughts, my mind is thinking of all the possibilities ahh! I'm getting frustrated... this feels like a big change for me. It's not that i don't want to get married with you it's just.. too fast for me!

Your fs : Hey hey hey! Calm down! I'm here for you. This may feel too fast but think of how joyful you were when we first decided to get married! It's a new beginning for both of us, i can understand you. You just need to relax. Don't worry about anything, I'll take the lead and do everything for you. You just take a deep breathe and calm yourself.

Your fs calms you down and assures you. You feel better when you hear them talk about taking care of you well. And you know from the deep corners of your heart that they will make a good spouse. Your anxiety feels relieved. And you are happy to have them in your life as a counterpart.

Pile 03 💫

This conversation can happen when you are going through a tough time in regards of your career. You are struggling between work and deadlines. You are completely exhausted but you are still working hard. Even people in your workplace may not appreciate you enough and you feel disappointed with yourself.

Your fs : hey nerd ;) where your eyes lookin' at? Come let's have some fun, take a break would you? Let's go out somewhere shall we?

You : Can you please not disturb me? I'm doing something important rn. And I'm not going anywhere till i finish this !

You frown and continue with your work. Your fs notices that.

Your fs : what happened dear? Is everything alright ? Are you stressed about anything?

You : yes! I am! Anything to do with you?

Your fs : why are u getting mad sweetie? 😋

You : AHHAHASAHAH, I'm so f**king stressed about this damn work i have to do. no one even notices my hardwork and patience! I'm sick of this!

Your fs : I appreciate you, your family appreciates you and you should change your godamn job if it keeps you hurting all the time yk? You have so much money already you should start some business or smth.

You : You know what! You are absolutely correct. I should start something of my own.

Your fs motivated you to leave your toxic work environment and start something of your own.

[sidekick-hero]

(steddie | mature | 2k | tags: established relationship, post-s4, Valentine's Day, Robin is the best, fluff | summary: Steve loves Eddie, he really, really does. He just can't say it. | @steddielovemonth prompt Love is just a four-letter word by @sal-si-puedes | AO3)

"He probably thinks I don't love him, Robin. Which is... ridiculous. I do! I really, really do. I just can't say it." Steve is pacing around the blissfully empty Family Video Store, his hands making a mess of his hair as they run through it in frustration.

"This is so stupid. I* am* so stupid, it's just four stupid letters, even a preschooler can say it," he rambles, his eyes wild as they look at Robin. "Why am I like this, Robbie?" His voice breaks, along with his heart, at the thought of Eddie doubting Steve's feelings for him for even a second.

Robin walks over to him and grips his shoulders tightly, her blue eyes boring into his as she says in her firmest you-listen-to-me-now voice. "You're not stupid. This is my best friend you're talking about, so watch it." That earns her at least a half-smile, which counts as a victory considering Steve was already pinching his nose to hold back tears.

"I know you love him, Steve. Everyone knows it. One look at you when he's in the room, or even when you're just talking about him, is enough to know you love him. And I'm sure Eddie knows it too. He has to."

Robin's words soothe some of the fear in Steve's heart, knowing that she would tell him if she really thought he had messed up. But even though it's okay now, Eddie won't wait forever for Steve to say those three little words. No one would. Steve knows that his heart couldn't take being with Eddie, loving Eddie and telling him that, only to never hear it back from him.

"I don't know. Even if you're right, I feel like I'm losing him. That something in me is broken, and one day he'll realize that too, and then he'll leave." With an even smaller voice Steve adds: "I can't lose him, Robbie".

They don't hug very often. Robin shows her affection in many ways, but most of them aren't overly physical. That's Eddie's job, clinging to Steve like a koala most days, always touching Steve in some way, even if it's just his shoulder nudging Steve's. Robin pulling him into a tight hug now means a lot to him, but it's also a testament to the gravity of the situation.

With their arms around each other between the horror and action movie sections, Steve takes a moment to just soak in the comfort she offers. What happened at Starcourt messed them both up, caused them both more trauma than any teenager should have to deal with, but on a very selfish level, Steve can't help but be grateful that it happened. A life without Robin Buckley sounds like the greater horror to him.

After a few minutes, Robin gently pulls away from Steve to look at him. He's reluctant to let her go, even though he knows this is an even longer hug than the one she gave him when Nancy told him they weren't getting back together after defeating Vecna. She wanted to go to Boston, make a career, see the world. And Steve? Steve wanted a home, a place to belong, and someone to share that home with. They wanted different things, he realizes now.

That doesn't mean it didn't open old wounds, memories of how it felt to be rejected by her, his love for her thrown in his face like it was worthless. Bullshit.

As attuned to him and his thoughts as ever, a true testament to the fact that they share a brain cell, Robin says, "I think it's understandable that you can't say it. The last time you told someone you loved them, you were hurt, badly. Your heart is probably just trying to protect itself. Like a kid who touched a hot stove and got burned wouldn't touch another stove, you know?"

Steve nods, because in a way it makes sense. It just doesn't help him to know.

"But what am I supposed to do, Robin? It's not Eddie's fault that I'm broken."

"You, Steve Harrington, are not broken. Just a little bruised. There is nothing wrong with you just because you got hurt and have the scars to show for it. Like Max, because of the injuries to her leg, she cannot walk like she used to before Vecna, so she uses her crutch. She's not broken. Is she?"

"No, of course not. If anything, she's even stronger now, I saw her hit Lucas with the crutch and tell him to hurry up on the way to the movies," Steve says, smiling at the memory.

"See!" Robin waves her hand at him in excitement, almost bouncing with it. "All you need is a crutch!"

They look at each other wide-eyed before matching smiles break out on their faces, Robin's giddy at having found a solution, Steve's reflecting the tentative hope blossoming in his chest.

His talk with Robin certainly helped, but as Valentine's Day approaches, the fears and insecurities start to creep back in. It's not even like Eddie is giving him any indication that he's not happy with Steve or their relationship. Quite the opposite, in fact.

Eddie tells him he loves him almost every time they see each other, at the most random moments. Some days he whispers it in Steve's ear to wake him up, other days it's his way of saying good night to him with his arm around Steve's waist and his hand over Steve's heart in a protective grip. He says it casually when Steve brings him breakfast in bed or lunch to the record store where he now works. Just yesterday he said it while Steve was buried deep inside him, their hands intertwined beside Eddie's head and brown eyes looking softly up at Steve.

It's not meant to make him feel bad about himself, he knows that.

He still does.

So when he opens his front door to the sight of Eddie standing on his doorstep in his nicest jeans and a forest green button-down Steve has never seen before, clearly having put some real effort into his appearance, Steve almost crumbles.

He's a shitty boyfriend, isn't he? There's this amazing guy who goes out of his way to look nice for Steve, even though he doesn't even like Valentine's Day, just because he knows it's important to Steve. And he can't even tell him he loves him.

Some of what he's feeling must be showing on his face, because Eddie's cheerful smile falls and he hurries into the house to pull Steve into his arms, slamming the door shut with his foot.

"Sweetheart, I'm sorry, I told Dustin green wasn't my color, but he insisted. I look hideous, don't I?"

That makes Steve snort wetly into Eddie's neck before muttering a fond "Idiot" into it.

Eddie just hums, obviously pleased with himself for making Steve laugh. "You can tell me. You know I don't mind getting naked for you."

"You're getting a little ahead of yourself, aren't you?"

Eddie grinned wolfishly at him. "I don't know, the tear in my Hellfire shirt from when you ripped it off me begs to differ."

Steve blushes at the memory, even as he laughs at Eddie's words. Instead of saying anything else, Steve pulls him back into his arms and Eddie goes willingly.

"Hi, baby," he says, his nose brushing behind Steve's ear.

"Hi." Steve breathes him in, the smell of cigarette smoke and his shampoo strong where his nose is buried in Eddie's hair.

They don't let go for a long time.

It's Eddie who pulls back first, and Steve does his best not to read into it. "You want to tell me what's going on?"

The Steve from before the Upside Down would have just shaken his head and told Eddie that everything was fine before pulling him into the bedroom to reassure them both that it was. Not talking about his feelings, fears, and needs might have worked for hookups, but he learned the hard way that it doesn't work when you want to be in a relationship.

So Steve takes Eddie's hand and leads him over to the couch where they both sit facing each other. They don't let go of each other's hands.

"I know you're probably wondering why I haven't told you... why I haven't said it yet."

Eddie's eyebrows disappear behind his fringe. "It?"

Sighing, Steve watches his fingers run over Eddie's knuckles. "You know. That I love you."

"Oh."

It's hard to place Eddie's tone, and even harder to place the silence that follows, but it makes his knee jiggle with nerves and his stomach churn. Usually it's Eddie who tends to fill the silence between them when it feels too big, too heavy, but today it's Steve.

"It's not because I don't want to, I swear. It's just," another frustrated sigh, the hand currently not held by Eddie's rubbing over his face, "I just can't say it. And I am so, so sorry, because you deserve to hear it. Every day. But I can't... I can't. So I understand if you don't want to do this anymore. You deserve better, Eddie. You really, really do."

Eddie lets Steve's words settle between them, aching and raw, but he never lets go of Steve's hand.

"You're right," he finally says, and the sound of Steve's heart breaking is deafening to his own ears. Pinching his nose, he tries to take his hand back from Eddie, but his boyfriend (if he can still call him that) won't budge. "You're right about me wondering, Steve. But that was before."

Looking up, a frown forming between his eyebrows, Steve asks, "Before?"

"Before I realized that you do tell me that you love me, every day. You say it when you tiptoe around the trailer in the morning to make breakfast without waking me. You tell me every time you pack an extra blanket or sweater when we go to the quarry because you know I always get cold. I hear it loud and clear every time you bring me lunch, even though it means you waste most of your own lunch break driving around town. It's in the way you try so hard to make Wayne like you because you know how much that means to me, and in the way you hold me after another nightmare, and in the way you kiss me sometimes like there's nothing in the world you'd rather be doing, without it having to lead anywhere, just because you like kissing me."

Eddie scooted forward and bridged the gap between them by taking Steve's face in his hands.

"Steve, you've been telling me you love me for months with everything except words. I don't really need them. It's just a four-letter word."

And, fuck, now Steve is crying. Eddie wipes away his tears with his thumbs, and when that's not enough, he kisses them away with his lips.

Steve is so in love with him that he has no idea how the feeling even fits in his body.

"Damn," he chuckles wetly, "that means I didn't even have to find a crutch?"

Now it's Eddie's turn to look at Steve in confusion, clearly worried that his boyfriend might have lost his mind. "What crutch? Is this a sex thing?"

Laughing and shaking his head fondly, Steve raises his free hand to his head, palm facing Eddie. Then he brings his thumb, index finger, and little finger up, keeping his ring and middle fingers down, before moving his hand back and forth slightly.

"Robin came up with this. She said if I couldn't say the words with my mouth, maybe I could say them in a different way. I thought of trying sign language," Steve adds sheepishly.

Before he knows what's happening, Eddie is on top of him, pressing him into the couch with his body weight and showering his face with kisses.

"You're so smart," kiss, "and beautiful," kiss, "and wonderful," kiss, "and I love you so much." The last part is accompanied by a lingering kiss on his lips and Steve melts under it.

Even though he obviously didn't have to tell Eddie this way, Steve is glad that he did.

He also thinks it won't be long before he can say those words, too. If anyone can help him walk without a crutch, it's Eddie.

[m1dori-eyes]

Disco Elysium has legitimately helped me understand my own internal monologue and the way that intrusive thoughts function in real life so much. You always have a voice in your head that's telling you to have sex and do drugs, and you always have a voice in your head that's telling you the correct thing to say in social situations when you want to appear neurotypical, and the key to life is being able to filter out the garbage that your brain is telling you from the useful stuff.

Some context for people who haven't played the game; you play as a character who is HEAVILY affected by intrusive thoughts 24/7, and this isn't portrayed as a fault but rather as an obstacle that he has to overcome every day. Each voice in the protagonist's head is a 'skill' which you can level up, I.E. Electrochemistry, Drama, Authority, but each skill also has its own personality, and will tell you to do different things. If your character is really good at breaking things and fighting people, then your Half-Light skill will try to get you to fight people all the time, even when it's objectively the worst course of action, and a big part of the game is knowing when NOT to listen to the voices, even the ones that help you most of the time. Both in the context of the game, and for people who suffer from intrusive thoughts in real life, all of this is a maladaptive survival instinct, and while it may theoretically be helpful to you sometimes, it usually isn't. Being able to view your own mind as a compartmentalized myriad of components, some of which have your best interests in mind and some of which don't, is so helpful from a mental health perspective. Because my shitty ass brain tries to sabotage me all the time, it can be hard to trust myself, so I take a lot of comfort in knowing that while the Anxiety part of my brain hates me, the rest of it is on my side.

Also when you want to do creative writing, always listen to the wrong voices, and then your short story will come out just the right amount of fucked up in all the best ways. Also play Disco Elysium it's great.

[34saveme34]

Snowtrapped 2 but it's emotional instead

I barely edited this thing but I must post it <3 I like it too much tbh

anyways light touches of suggestive, and references at snowtrapped obviously, although they don't outright talk about it, no cover this time we die like men

anyways word count: 4602

It started like any other day. With the usual arguments following them, as they perpetrated the intense part of their dynamic. 3 agitated 4, 4 agitated 3, hijinks ensued. It was how it always went these days. The 2 were fine with this… for the most part. The worst part of this was that both of them were sensitive but still liked to mess with each other. They had to walk a thin line for nothing bad to happen. And boy, was that hard. 

It was a snowy day, and 3, 4 and friends went to an especially snowy place as a vacation. They all deserved it. Although, the snow could bring out memories for the 2, it was a bit easier now to push it to the back of their heads. It was the past. It was a different time. They were different. They felt different. They’re friends at this point! Although 3 seemed to deny it a lot, 4 could see through that. Which is also why it was so tragic when he accidentally pushed 3 too hard and had to again see the man upset by his own actions. It always reminded him of the past. Something he had a complex relationship with, as it was something that affected him to this day, with all its differences, similarities and furthermore things that would just confuse him. Confuse him in so many ways. He wished he had answers. Maybe he wished a bit too hard. 

As their snowy hijinks, which they were doing with their friends brought them to an all too familiar situation: being snowed in. No escape. Only each other’s company. It was almost like faith that it was only those 2. Or maybe it was planned, who knows.

“Ugh…” 4 got up as he fell in pretty hard, he was on top of 3, more or less.

“Get off me, you bitch!” 3 quickly pushed him off, annoyed at 4. 

As they got up, looking at the door, both realized what happened. And that they were stuck together.

“You’ve got to be kidding me” both said at the same time which made the 2 glare at each other.

“This is all your fault!” 3 yelled at 4.

“Mine??! How would it be mine?? I wasn’t the one launching a whole damn avalanche!”

“Shut the fuck up” 3 sat down, grabbing at his face. It seemed he was trying to keep at least some sanity.

“No, you shut the fuck up!” 4 said, also sitting down, facing away from 3. 

Truly maturely they stayed like this for a while not uttering a word. But soon, the cold set in.

“Hey… 3…. m… my man” 4 sat beside 3, who looked at him cautiously.

“Yeeees?” he squinted at 4, not trusting him for a second.

“I’m cold”

“Well, shit, 4, I don’t control the weather!”

“No, I mean-”

“I’m definitely not desperate enough for that yet…”

“Yet?” 4 teased him, for which 3 hit him hard in the head.

“Stupid”

“In the meantime while you get over that, we could try and get out somehow. At least try.”

3 sighed as he got up.

“You’re unfortunately right…”

“Maybe we could even find a meme and use it to get out!”

“Yea, good thinking” 3 mumbled it a bit, although 4 could still understand.

“Don’t know why you need to be so defensive about me being right”

“YOU do the same thing as well”

4 was about to protest but realised that 3 was kind of right.

“Oookay…” 

They started really examining the place. Not much food, no meme in sight, a single blanket folded neatly in a closet.

4 took it for himself fast.

“Hey, you hogger!” 3 glared at 4.

“As I said before-”

“I’m not cuddling your stupid ass!”

4 looked down to his feet. He knew that it was just their thing but.

“I really thought we got further…”

“What did you say?” 3 looked at him with an expression that was hard to read.

This scared 4. He wasn’t sure what to do, repeating it felt like a hard task, so he just stared.

“You can’t just talk in half sentences, 4”

“I just… thought you’d be more comfortable with me at this point”

3 was about to protest but thinking about it, he really should’ve been less stupid about it.

“I can’t just- I’m tense, okay, I’m tense! Are you happy now that I told you??”

4 chuckled.

“You never really tell me. I just have to guess myself how you feel”

“Well, you aren’t the easiest case yourself- it- ugh, I don’t want to go into it, definitely not right now-”

“Into what?”

“It doesn’t matter, forget about it”

“3…”

“Don’t 3 me”

4 sat down with the blanket under him so it wouldn’t be as uncomfortable to sit. 3 paced around for a bit. Tried to use his hands as shovels to maybe get out then quickly gave up. This kept repeating. It was kind of tiring to watch. 4 was on the verge of commenting on it. But he could see that he shouldn’t: 3 looked close to snapping. He knew that look. It was upsetting.

Especially as 3 seemed to tire, having to keep up with the cold, now he was starting to feel it too. He leaned against the cold wall, trying not to let the cold get to him. 

4 was watching him. It was awful to watch. He could see 3 slowly slipping down against the wall. 

“Alright, that’s enough” 4 had enough of this as he wrapped his arms and blanket around 3, who didn’t have nearly as much fight in himself as before.

“Dude…”

“What?”

“...Thanks.” 3 lightly leaned closer into 4 arms. That was shocking to 4. He wasn’t sure how to feel.

Sure, he insisted on 3 joining him, but he… never really considered what he would do once he did. He never considered what would happen if 3 didn’t fight him. The comfort made him weird. He wanted to stay somewhere deep in his heart but decided to just slip right out of the blanket and just put it on 3.

“Oh..?” 3 looked at him, the weakness in his eyes showing. He looked painfully genuine.

“I’ll try myself this time”

3 glared then looked away from 4. It was hard to tell what he might be thinking.

4 tried to separate the snow. It was easy, the snow was soft yet cold, and the more he would shovel with his hands to the side, the more would fall in. He panicked, which made him feel agitated as he started to get faster with it. He got so fast the snow of the ceiling fell on him, leaving him colder than ever.

3 rolled his eyes.

“I always think you can’t be more stupid but you always manage to prove that wrong”

“Sh-Shut U-Up” 4 was practically shaking from the cold. Who knew he was so sensitive.

3 sighed and got up. He brushed the snow off of 4. Usually such casual touch wouldn’t be this bad for him but the isolation was getting to him. He cared so much. But, right now, especially right now, he didn’t want that to come out. He didn’t want his caring side out in the open, for 4 to witness and tease. 

to his surprise 4 only gave him a soft smile before adding a few words to his reaction.

“You didn’t need to do that, I can take care of myself”

3 was disappointed.

“I don’t want to be in the same space with a dead body”

“Hey now, you’re already thinking of me dying??”

“Well… It would be funny now that you say it” 3 grinned.

“I don’t find it funny”

“When did I say I care?”

“I see through you, my friend, I do”

“You’re as blind as a bat actually”

“I’m not, I got the 20/20 vision going for me!”

“Crazy if true, considering how much you’re on your pc”

“SAYS WHO”

“ME”

The 2 glared at each other. For quite a few painful seconds. The tenseness in them took over as they started to fight physically.

Although it was one of those little slap fights. It felt less like a fight and more like a comedy bit.

The 2 separated, although 4 found himself cold again. He stared at 3 without realising.

“What?” 3 asked, in a defensive manner as if 4 was about to strip him with his eyes. The thought sent a shiver down his spine. It just further reminded him of past events… But they were different now, it wouldn’t happen.

4 took a bit but he did manage to snap out of it.

“Huh? Nothing! Nothing at all”

“You’re cold, aren’t you?”

“Noooo, what gave you the impression?”

“You shivering”

4 facepalmed. 3 was right, he couldn’t believe how obvious he was.

“Come here, I did say I don’t want to be stuck with a dead body”

4 resisted first but the cold got to him, he had to. He didn’t like it but he had to.

“Jeez, I didn’t think you would be this cold”

“Why did you think I was shivering”

“... Fair point”

4 leaned into 3’s chest, trying to get closer in a less uncomfortable way. It was really hard though, considering how they were just a few moments ago. He was too tired and cold to care though. He even wrapped his arms around 3, having a secure hold on him. 4 didn’t like how comforting this felt. Something about cuddling 3 felt different. Suddenly  the memories hit him again, of the past. It made him feel a bit gross for his thoughts. He wouldn’t ever wanna think of 3 that way. Not again at least.

The 2 stayed silent for a while, it felt illegal to speak. Even though both of them still felt tense. 3 felt too weird in all this, he had to comment on it.

“If I didn’t know any better, I’d think you enjoyed this”

“What?? You think I do?” 4 looked offended.

“You were cuddling me with the same glee Eggdog would and oooh he loves me a lot” he talked with with his baby voice at the end when mentioning his child. Just simply the thought of him made him feel happy.

4 rolled his eyes.

“I’m just trying to stay warm, really. If I liked cuddling you, I’d do it  outside of dire situations like this”

“Like I’d care if you would… stupid”

“Would you?”

“No!”

“Oooh, but it looks like you would” he found 3’s reaction just a little bit entertaining. Indulging a little shouldn’t hurt much!

“Shut up! I wouldn’t! Even the hand holding feel unnecessary”

“Well, we had to do that, to save the world and all that stuff”

“Okay? Doesn’t change a thing. I don’t like to do it”

4 stared at 3, unimpressed. 3 felt a bit nervous.

“You’re as annoying as ever” 4 said as he got up “You know what, I rather freeze”

3 felt that struck at his heart. That HURT to hear, christ. 

“The fuck you mean you’d rather freeze??”

“If you don’t want to be near me so badly, then I won’t bother you. I can try and bury myself in the snow so you don’t have to face me dead cold”

“Jeez, how kind of you to- HAVE YOU LOST YOUR MIND??? You THINK I WANT THAT??!”

“FELT LIKE IT”

“YOU DUMB IDIOT”

“DUMB AND IDIOT MEANS THE SAME THING”

“YES, I’M POINTING OUT YOUR SPECIALLY LACK OF SMARTS”

“FUCK YOU”

Aaaand they fought again. This time a bit more violent as 3 pinned 4 down.

“Any last words?” 3 was tired so he didn’t sound as threatening as he would’ve wanted to.

“You’re gay” 4 teased as he pulled 3 down on him with the little strength he had left. Unfortunately, this way they were left to stare at each other, it was kind of hard to pay attention to anything else when they were this close. 3 didn’t look amused. 4 chuckled.

“Gotcha”

“And you said you don’t want me near”

“I would push you off if I had the energy to”

“Nice excuse”

“It’s a reason, not an excuse”

3 sighed as he fully laid his head down on 4’s chest. He was now truly too tired to care.

“Why can’t we just get along”

“Cuz you’re a piece of shit”

3 looked at 4 again, clearly unamused.

“Like yourself, of course”

4 found it interesting how 3 deflected by calling him an ass too.

“Maybe, yeah… I don’t know why really”

“We’re just like this? I guess, I don’t know. We should be, right?”

“It’s… what’s the best, right?”

3 thought for a bit, some hard words on his mind.

“We’re… friends”

“I… I know”

Air felt heavy, as the 2 were trying to comprehend each other, what were they going for.

“You know…” 3 started, already feeling his face heat up “Ever since we became friends, it’s been… a bit less fun to be a villain. Juuust a smidge”

4 found himself smiling, hearing that his heart just warmed up whole.

“Glad to hear that…”

“It’s something I struggle with it a lot though”

“Why so?”

“Who… am I if not your local villain… who would I be?”

The question caught 4 so off guard, staring shocked at 3. He never thought 3 could feel that way. He kind of felt bad for a lot of the things he’s said and done now. He gently grabbed 3’s face by his cheek, by which he noticed 3 being a bit more hot. He was sure it’s just them slowly feeling weird from the cold.

“Hey now, don’t say that… you’re so much more… a cool streamer, a great meme guardian partner… a great friend, maybe… my greatest”

3 was practically turning into a heater from the compliments. But it definitely didn’t mean anything. 3 collected all his courage, to ask one thing he wanted to know.

“Your greatest?”

“Yea… pretty much”

“Isn’t it Mario for you?”

“You’re… different”

“Different?”

“Well, you know- yeah, you’re a friend in a different way than he is to me. You’re just… different… I guess, we just work differently”

“You mean the meme guardian stuff?”

4 glanced to the side, it was hard to guess what he could mean by that.

“That too”

“You know… I do kind of find it weird… that we have to hold hands to use our powers.. or at least touch”

“Yeah… but I don’t think you would be this close to me without it”

“Let’s not even think about that”

3 looked kind of bummed about the idea.

“Awww, you’d miss being friends with me that much?”

3 growled, though too tired to act.

“You say that like you wouldn’t”

“Of course, I would miss it so much” 4 said, hugging 3. The air being not so tense felt nice. It was easier to express himself.

3 was in deep, Jesus. He could barely think, besides lightly hugging back. 

“You could’ve warned me at least”

“Nope, it’s more fun this way”

“But you said you care about me”

“There’s some privileges you’ll never get”

“Tch… stupid”

“Ahem… Tsundere”

3 stared at 4, a single word making him feel energy come back to him. Out of anger of course. God, that made him so so angry.

“Not that word again, no, shut the fuck up. No one wants to hear that, idiot”

“I wanted to hear it personally” 4 chuckled.

“For what? You’re implying you’re my crush or something? You’re wrong then, bitch” 3 got up, angrily pointing and gesticulating. Oh, that touched a nerve, didn’t it.

4 raised an eyebrow.

“I didn’t say that… Only you did, just now” 

3’s face was painted with realisation, as then colour drained from his face. Oh no, he did not fucking do that!!

“The word is literally used that way. How am I supposed to take it then? Why did you call me that anyways, asshole” 3 turned away from 4.

“I just found it fits… even in a platonic way. It’s so obvious you want affection but you still push people away”

3 looked back at 4 then away.

“Just like that” 4 sighed.

“You… YOU” 3 turned back “ You ALWAYS think you’re the bigger and better person”

“Well, I am right now? I’m not the one misinterpreting shit”

“You just have this air around you, you know? Like you always think you’re the god of this show! That nobody is better than you, especially me, I’m really tired of that. Really fucking tired”

“Are you really getting mad about me calling you a tsundere??”

“IT’S MORE THAN THAT”

“HOW CAN IT BE MORE???”

“IT’S A PATTERN… a long going one” 3 stared daggers into 4. It was like a whiplash compared to what they had previously.

“What pattern???”

“Stuff’s always about you. You’re always trying to one up me as well. It feels like whenever you butt into something, it becomes about you.”

4 stared. He didn’t know what to do with that information.

“You’re so weird. First you say you wished we were friends earlier, now you berate me”

“Because you can’t shut the fuck up when you need to. Maybe if you did, we would get along better”

“Well, MAYBE, if you stopped being an ASSHOLE, that would help a lot more”

“MAYBE. IF YOU STOPPED BEING SUCH A WHINY BITCH IT’D HELP EVEN MORE”

The 2 stared at each other, unsure whether to feel angry or sad. 

“You know where it hurts, huh? You know me so well you know EXACTLY what to say to make me angry” 4 spoke, anger seething through him.

“Not hard when you get upset about everything!!”

“You make me more than upset”

“Oh yeah? What do I make you, huh? Tell me”

4 looked down.

“Confused. And sad. You make me sad”

3 stared at him.

“That’s it? Really?”

“Do you really want to know?”

“Well, now I god damn do, not like I care about your thoughts”

4 had enough, as he got up and pushed 3 against the wall. It was cold, just as cold as 4’s stare.

“Do you REALLY want to know, 3?”

3 tried to look anywhere but 4. 4 grabbed 3’s chin.

“I… I guess… I can’t really back down now, can I?” 3 was visibly nervous. 

“You make me so… bad. I feel bad, each time. I don’t know why”

3 still tried looking away from 4. This was starting to feel uncomfortable.

“So… you don’t even know how I make you feel, huh?”

“Well, how do I make YOU feel then? Huh?”

“Tense, very tense. Especially right now, with backing me into a wall and everything”

“Ah-” 4 stepped back, giving 3 his space back. He felt a bit embarrassed about what he did. He realised what that looked like now- he was glad it was only 3 to see him do something like this. Since considering how they were, this was definitely not getting out from between the 2 of them.

As they stood there, they felt cold again. 3 thought for a bit then grabbed the blanket and threw it over 4’s shoulder as he then leaned into him, shoulder to shoulder. It wasn’t too much to handle at least. 4 stayed silent but he didn’t move either. His head seemed to be full of thoughts. 

“Hey… I’m sorry, 3… I gotta learn how to control myself around you”

3 looked at him, with a questioning look.

“I mean yeah but… what the hell do you mean? Around me”

“You just bring the worst out of me”

“Well… I can’t argue with that”

“I think… I do the same to you…”

“Hmm…”

Both stayed silent for a while, then 4 spoke words that had no right to hurt so much.

“It feels like we’d be better apart…”

3 didn’t even know how to react. He just… stood there. 4 couldn’t look at him for a bit, feeling his own words even claw at his own heart. But when he did… oh, he wished he didn’t.

He didn’t want to see 3 so sad, tears running down his cheek. His lips trembled looking back at 4 before punching him in the face.

“WHY WOULD YOU SAY THAT??” 

4 stumbled but didn’t fall. He was never able to say the right words.

“I… well” he felt himself getting drawn to tears as well “We… fight so much…”

“I care too much about you”

“I know but… look, it feels like we never get along… I care too and the idea hurts me too…” his tears came too, matching 3.

I just- I can’t do this-” 3 started pacing and suddenly decided to get back to the snow again, desperately wanting to get out.

4 felt guilty. He felt awful. He thought this would give him some peace of mind but it didn’t. He thought, he thought very hard- how could he solve this? How could he make this right for 3?

“How could I… make this right for you?” 4 asked, his voice weak.

“By shutting the fuck up” 3 continued shovelling the snow with desperation. 3’s hands felt cold. Way too cold. But at least it was almost distracting him from 4’s stinging words. 

4 hated looking at what 3 was doing. He turned away, trying to close him out but the quiet sobs and the soft noises of the snow being shovelled by hand was too prominent in his mind. He wasn’t able to close it out, not even a little bit. He clenched his fists. He must do something. Anything. Just stop this.

3’s hands were starting to hurt so much he could barely take it. But it didn’t make him want to stop. What stopped him was 4 grabbing both of his hands and pulling him away from the snow. And 4 wasn’t easy on him, having strong grips on both his hands. As 4 felt just how cold 3’s hands were, he held on even more, pulling 3 close.

“I can’t… I can’t just watch you hurt yourself.. you mean too much to me”

“I thought you wanted us apart”

“Want and need are different”

3 looked ahead of himself, embracing he was now trapped in 4’s hold, as much as he didn’t want to be.

“Are you saying you need me?”

“Yes”

4 replied so fast, it made 3 feel a bit hot again. 

“So… you need me, even if I… cause you to be worse?”

“I need you because I…” 4 stopped. 3 paid attention for a bit, waiting for an answer. The more seconds passed the more tense he felt.

“Don’t leave me hanging, dude!” 3 spoke nervously, he hated feeling this uncomfortable.

4 just didn’t move, not until he whipped 3 into a deep embrace, pulling as close as he could. It was the kind of hug you couldn’t escape from, no matter how much you wanted to. It was tight, scary, full of emotion yet somehow fulfilling. 3 slowly hugged him back. It still wasn’t quite as comfortable as he wished it should be, but the tightness definitely helped. He wished it would be just that easy to press the bad things out of him.

This lasted a while, neither wanted to speak. Neither knew what to say. But they both had a lot on their minds. But they chose to remain this way. At least for a while, some peace.

4 slowly pulled out a bit, looking at 3. 3 only noticed a bit after, his face still red from crying and the cold. The 2 just stared at each other. Felt like no one else existed to them but each other. It felt so obvious. It felt so obvious what they wanted, it was written all over them. Just a single thing on their mind, a simple yet disastrous wish. Something so easy yet so hard.

3’s grip tightened on 4 as he pulled him in, it happened so fast, yet 4 followed along immediately. The desperation finally kicked in. They needed each other so so badly and it showed. And when they’d pull away, they’d just pull right back in. Their lips touching were too addictive. It was a rush of excitement neither have felt in a while. 3 was the one to end up against the wall, then quickly switching to 4. 3 had a strong hold on 4 that made him feel weak. He didn’t know that feeling weak by someone could feel so good. It felt like it should be a crime.

They slowly let go, although they didn’t want to. Especially since they then had to face each other. It felt… weird. Where did this come from? Why were they both so into it?

“So… that happened” 4 awkwardly scratched his neck.

3 facepalmed.

“Is that all you’re gonna say?”

“Umm well… I guess I always liked you, heh,... uh… yeah”

3 couldn’t keep a straight face, he laughed. He found 4 ridiculous, yet somehow cute.

“I love you too, idiot” 3 replied finally, after leaving 4 hanging with just laughing.

4 looked down then back at 3. He was visibly getting so giddy it was a joy to watch. 3 pressed a kiss on 4’s cheek. 4 could explode the world with the happiness he was feeling. This whole thing really made him realise what he was feeling, as it was previously an unknown thing to him. He didn’t realise, even though he felt it badly. He’s a fucking idiot.

3 knew very well but it wasn’t exactly something he liked to think about. It was already hard to make friends, let alone admit his feelings for his ex rival. 

“I’m… glad you do, 3”

“Do you know how hard it was to keep this away from you??”

“Uh.. no? I think you hid it well”

“That was the intention”

“Yeah… you know, I only realised just now”

3 blinked at 4.

“You.. You can’t be serious”

“Why can I not be?”

“Whatever… I’m just glad you feel the same”

“Yeah… we’re still trapped though”

“No shit” 3 sighed.

The 2 rested against each other. At least now they had less reason to be tense about that. 

“I mean… the others know we got stuck, right? They should be able to help then…”

“I sure do hope so”

The 2 thought though, anything they can come up with. 3 had an idea float in his mind, now feeling like it’s less embarrassing to suggest.

“Hey so, 4… you know how we channel meme energy with touch?”

“Yeah?”

“What if… it’s possible to channel it with kissing as well?”

4 rubbed his chin then with seemingly zero hesitation, he pulled 3 in for a kiss, and concentrated. Maybe a bit too hard at that, or maybe it was just such a powerful move that the energy practically blew up around them. Their prison was gone. Literally, they blew the whole thing up with their meme energy kiss.

“Woah” 3 chimed up quietly, trying not to look too impressed but… meme explosion?? 2 of the greatest things together??

“Yippee we’re free we’re free!!” 4 hugged 3 and jumped up and down.

That’s when the crew noticed the 2, with 4 jumping around crazy. That’s just how it is with them sometimes. At least they chilled out now! It’s been needed for a long while now.

[swallowerofdharma]

if you feel like sharing them, what are your thoughts on the current state of things between doumeki and yashiro?

Hi, I don’t mind sharing at all, only… I have felt a little disconnected from some comments on Yashiro when the last chapter was released and I wasn’t in the mood to write about it that much after that. From my own point of view, considering the actual amount of time Yashiro and Doumeki spent together after four years apart, things have been moving almost too quickly in between the various encounters that at first they needed to justify as “work related” and now with this new arrangement. They are keeping themselves hidden, they don’t want to show vulnerabilities to each other and they are creating a climate of half truths and deception and caution that is unnerving to say the least. And they are suffering because of that. The control also has shifted quite considerably lately and Doumeki has more power than he realizes and his actions consequences he isn’t able to foresee. But if I am being honest, I might be frustrated by the situation, but at the same time I understand it by a storytelling standpoint and from the characters’ perspectives: who they are, in what sets of circumstances they find themselves in. I appreciate the realism and coherence of their behavior. It would frustrate me much much more if they were to sit down and discuss their feelings, or if the author was spoon feeding the readers with some sappy solutions, kiss and go to the pride parade. I would taste the added sugar or edulcorates in my drink and spit it out immediately. I don’t really read this story to see a “happy ending” (both types), I read because it describes what trauma does to people in a manner that makes sense to me and doesn’t hide how hard it is to trust and connect meaningfully with people even when there is attraction or affection or loyalty. Personally, I am willing to read between the lines, and I see how they are repeating their words to each others back and forth to probe and see which one will take a step forward and admit that what they are doing isn’t exactly what they really want things to be. The story doesn’t work if the readers take the characters and whatever they say at face value, without looking deeper, behind the surface.

They aren’t honest because they’re afraid and if anything else I would expect fear. From Yashiro is the deepest emotion he has been carrying within himself and it’s so deeply tied to the feelings of love and loss, that is painful to see. For Doumeki is the fear of being rejected and discarded and left adrift again. I think that building instead an external situation making them confront the lies they have been feeding each other is good writing. I am not in a rush, because most of all I want the story to be believable and I don’t necessarily need comfort or fast closure or anything like that. I want these characters to be flawed because they went through hurtful things and live in a bad environment and they aren’t supposed to act like any idealistic version of themselves in my opinion. This is the story I like to read, and I think the pacing has been very good.

I have always felt a personal connection to Yashiro and I am treating him and his flavor of pain like I would have liked to be treated myself, with compassion, and this is why this story has been cathartic for me. I am willing to see what will happen but I don’t wish for things being forced upon Yashiro beyond what it is the necessary critical point that brings the willingness to change direction or unmask oneself on one’s own terms. The situation is extremely delicate right now. I didn’t expect that much attention to Yashiro’s own homophobia either, going into this story, but maybe I should have, Saezuru is always raising the bar. I think it’s amazing, to be honest, that this story is showing some specific aspects of Yashiro’s childhood trauma, as a person who never found an answer for myself: how much what happened to you as a child, without you having any choice, really changed the course of your life, derailed it to such an extent that you can’t even be sure about who you are, who you were and what the other version of yourself, the one nothing too bad happened to could have become, now a ghost haunting you. Are we maybe likely to built up a version of normality and innocence that adheres to common social norms and expectations, including heteronormativity, and if so is this why we feel like we are never going to measure up? Falling in love hurts when you don’t know how to trust yourself or the other person, when nothing feels like it has any foundation or security. So I empathized with Yashiro and I felt that last page with the rain, especially since Doumeki seems like another person (I don’t think we should buy into either of these characters’ deceptions tho). It feels like these two are standing in each other’s blind spot so successfully at the moment.

[wumiings]

The thing that really gets me about Merlin and Arthur’s dynamic re: being simultaneously friends (implies equality) and master/servant (unequal) is the way they both understand what this means so differently.

Like, Arthur is not deliberately cruel as a person. He sometimes lashes out in anger— particularly to cover hurt, fear, or insecurity— and is not above using his and Merlin’s relative stations to his advantage in the moment. But while this is certainly not okay, it does not characterize most of their interactions.

Most of the time, when Arthur insults Merlin, or roughhouses with him, or assigns him too many chores just to be petty, he clearly seems to think of it as friendly banter/play. And when Merlin insults him right back, or complains without real heat, or half-asses the chores, Arthur takes it as confirmation that they’re on the same page.

Because here’s the thing: when Arthur says, “You’re my servant, so we can’t be friends [paraphrase: but under other circumstances, we might be],” what he means is that they are obviously friends but they’re not allowed to call each other that, or act like it. It’s against the social rules of their environment to acknowledge their friendship.

But that is not what those words mean to Merlin. He does see Arthur as a friend, but not in the sense that they’re just playing along with the roles of servant and master. Because unlike Arthur, there is an inherent threat to Merlin’s safety and well-being implied by any reminder of those roles.

“You’re almost like a friend [except you’re my servant]” doesn’t just mean they can’t use the word. It means “I have power over you, and in moments when it’s inconvenient to treat you as a friend (see: the anger), I can and will use that power to put you back in your place.”

It’s a reminder that Arthur has fired, overworked, struck, imprisoned, threatened with exile, and held a sword to Merlin’s throat before, and so long as Merlin needs to keep his magic a secret for the sake of staying by Arthur’s side, he is powerless to do anything about it. It could happen again.

Merlin insults Arthur because he knows he can get away with it (as long as he stops when more serious threats are invoked). He complains but allows those complaints to be taken as jokes/exaggerations, because he doesn’t expect his hurts to be taken seriously and doesn’t feel comfortable making himself vulnerable to Arthur about how his actions affect him.

The chores situation in particular aggravates me to no end, because Merlin is routinely expected to do things that do not by any means fall under the purview of a personal servant. Why would he be mucking out the stables?? Surely there are stable hands who are paid to do that. And why does he do the laundry himself instead of delivering it to the laundress?

All this in addition to apprenticing with Gaius (or working as a fully qualified physician post-4x08) and going along on patrols/missions/etc. doing what I’m pretty sure would normally be a squire’s duties? As none of the knights seem to have one??

Admittedly, Merlin sometimes insists on going along on missions for Protecting Arthur Reasons, which is not Arthur’s fault, but still. Arthur knows the kind of hours Merlin is putting in. Which makes moments like in 3x01, when he undervalues, belittles, and then intentionally undoes Merlin’s hard work (cleaning the floor) so frustrating to watch.

But again, Arthur is not cruel! I never get the sense that he truly enjoys causing Merlin real emotional distress. The problem is that he consistently underestimates the amount of distress that Merlin is actually in — partly because (as previously stated) Merlin often undersells his own feelings.

TL;DR - Merlin is Arthur’s friend! His only/closest friend!! Arthur looks at Merlin and sees someone brave and loyal and absolutely worth risking his life for. But his privilege blinds him to the ways in which he fails to treat Merlin like a friend should. Outside of life-or-death situations, he doesn’t often behave as though he values Merlin (his time, his effort, his capabilities, or his friendship) particularly much. And that’s a fucking tragedy.

[lucianalight]

“Sometimes a rage builds up and you just gotta let it out. Do you remember that time I was so angry with my father and my brother, I went down to Earth and I held the whole of New York city hostage with an alien army? Tried to use the mind stone on Tony Stark? It didn’t work so I threw him off the building. It wasn’t tactical. I lost it. Sometimes our emotions get the better of us.”

Is this a retcon? Is Loki saying he wasn't tortured or mind controlled and he attacked Earth because he was angry at his family?

Well, let's analyze the situation.

They went to interrogate X-5 who according to Mobius is an asshole that knows them and their tactics. Mobius tells others to not let X-5 get under their skin with a emphasis on Loki, thinking he is the one who most probably is going to lose his temper. But that's not what happens.

Loki does not lose his cool. On the contrary he plays the role of a villain(which is not really convincing tbh) and tries to intimidate X-5. Mobius is the one who gets so angry and hits Brad within a minute after X-5 turns his attention to him. Mobius storms off trying to convince Loki that it was a tactical action and he could play the heavy keys. But when he calms down he confesses that wasn't the case. Then Loki says those lines.

Now let's remember some similar situations we've seen Loki doing sth like this. Before the coronation when Thor was nervous, Loki makes jokes, gives him confidence, tries to calm him down. And after that when Thor is angry, Loki again tries to calm him down, agreeing with Thor saying he is on his side. When Odin saves them from Jotunheim and is furious with Thor, Loki tries to intervene and stop the situation from escalating. In TDW after their argument on the boat, Loki again tries to light the mood with a joke. So this is a typical and in character behavior for Loki.

Should Loki's words be accepted at face value? MCU Loki lies sometimes but he is not the god of lies like comics. He mostly speaks the truth, but not the complete truth. Half-truth is what he mostly uses. He shapes the sentences in a way that people interpret them how they want based on how they think. Especially when it comes to the things that he doesn't want others to know. Things that he was taught were weakness.

Moreover there are undeniable proof in canon that Loki was tortured (his physical state in Avengers, threats of pain by the Other…etc), and his mind was influenced by the mind stone(confirmed by Marvel). There are even moments in S1 that confirm Loki didn't want or enjoy to hurt people. He's had to. And Miss Minutes offered Loki to kill Thanos, which affected Loki more than any of her offers.

"Unbeknownst to him, the scepter was also influencing him, fueling his hatred over his brother Thor and the inhabitants of Earth."

Unbeknownst to him

Remember in S1 Sylvie tried to enchant him but couldn't? Loki said it's because his mind's too strong. For other magic users? Yes. For mind stone? Maybe. Since we know he wasn't mind control like Selvig and Clint. But the Other had a connection through the scepter to his mind and his negative emotions was being amplified. Which Loki didn't know. His memories were clearly tampered with too as he remembered Thor tossing him into an abyss which didn't happen.

In the main timeline Loki spends a year and half in a cell, where he had access to his magic. Being away from the scepter, having the use of his magic and nothing but time, Loki sooner or later have realized what happened. We don't know when exactly Loki realized that the mind stone was influencing him. But we've seen in other MCU movies/shows that removing mind related magic in most cases also needs magic.

TV Loki on the other hand, right after his escape got arrested in a place that he couldn't use his magic, spending his days either running from or after somebody and trying to fix a disaster. He probably hasn't that realization yet. And even if he had, do you think Loki would talk about it? I don't think so. Just like he never talks or wants to talk about his torture.

There are more than enough clues in canon to confirm that Loki was tortured and his mind was influenced and nothing can retcon all of that.

Back to the scene in 2x02, Loki is trying to calm down Mobius through sympathizing with him. He can't say "Hey remember that time I fell into Thanos clutches after I committed suicide, then he tortured and brainwashed me through my hatred and anger, and sent me to take over the Earth and when I got away you found me and tortured me and now you can't handle one minute taste of your own medicine?" That would have been counterproductive. So instead Loki is telling the truth but not all of it. He was angry at Thor and Odin and his emotions got the better of him. But those emotions, those thoughts and words were influenced. That's what Loki's not telling because he wants to sympathize with Mobius through a similar experience.

Could the topic of New York invasion handled better? Certainly. Otherwise there wasn't a need for this meta. But Loki's behavior can be explained in-universe and through his canon characterization without retconning any other proof and clues.

[clarabowmp3]

hate brigade? I'm sorry but joe alwyn is directly responsible for a lot of the mental hurt that taylor will have to deal with for the rest of her life. I don't understand how people can hear sll, half the songs on midnights not to mention the anxiety ridden lover album and not see the emotional gaslighting joe was putting taylor through! Like that takes a toll and fans qnd the general public alike has a right to call that out. Now he's saying ish about tayvis when none of this concerns him?? Like if that's not manipulative, my name is Bennett cuz he's literally re inserting himself into the ex he resented' life. Unhinged if you ask me. So I don't think it's fair to characterize people as doing the most in this case. Alwyn could have just kept quiet and ate and ate food but now he deserves the dragging. Peace.

wowww wow okay so a couple of things:

we don't know much about their relationship. all we have is speculation based on taylor's lyrics, but we have to remember she is an unreliable narrator, so at best we can take them with a grain of salt. that is excluding how she might have modified certain things to present herself in a favourable light. I'm not saying she did or didn't, but it's a possibility. I say this because of how she's written music about her cheating. She very obviously focuses on how she was feeling and what led her to cheat, rather than her considerations of how it would affect her partner, which I think is yet another manifestation of how she perpetuates her victim narrative. I'm not saying all cheaters are villains, there's definitely some complex emotions involved, but she writes in such a way so as to encourage the reader to root for her by default.

This plays into her desire to be seen as the underdog or hero that everyone wants to support. She did this with Miss Americana too where she spun this whole standing up for women and other marginalised groups narrative, which I think contributed to being a swiftie becoming a trend, along with her whole 'relatable' schtick, fostering personal relationships etc.

There is nothing wrong with liking her music (I'm not gatekeeping), my issue is with people who treat becoming a swiftie as some girl scouts patch to earn by ripping into her 'enemies,' most popularly her exes. Naturally, he has been put through hell on social media since the break-up, up till ttpd dropped and the attention shifted to matty instead.

I agree that many of her love songs from as early as lover are anxiety-ridden, but I think that speaks more to her personality rather than his actions. Certain events may have transpired and he might have acted in a certain way which made her feel insecure etc but we have no reason to think he did it maliciously. What we do have is reason to think this is extremely unlikely. 2016 was rough man, no one knew if she would ever recover from #taylorswiftisoverparty, and yet he still stuck around. To me I think that shows he genuinely cared about her, something taylor has also thought.

Could you elaborate on the emotional gaslighting he has done, (and hence the "mental hurt" he has caused her) keeping in mind all those other reasons why her music is not an accurate source of info ^^?

getting more specific with sll, I don't see how he did anything wrong? I don't want to get too much into it but I know what it feels like to be burdened by someone else's mental health issues, and I do feel irritated by it at times, even though at the end of the day I know it's something they can't control. There's nothing wrong with creating art about difficult emotions, but I think she did not need to release it for the whole world to hear, knowing that they know who she is talking about. The song itself isn't too egregious, she just expresses her frustration with the whole situation ("you'll find someone," "I'm not the one" -> even she doesn't blame him for anything let alone the emotional gaslighting you're accusing him of anon what are you on 😭) the main problem is when people like you use it to villainise joe. like explain to me what part of it shows his gaslighting

For context here is what the whole deuxmoi thing is about, taken from this post:

You can clearly see that he was expressing an opinion on what he thought was a private enough setting. How could he have known he was going to be overheard and it was going to leak to the internet and eventually reach taylor (if any of this ie even true)? She is his ex of 6 years and it's only been a year since their breakup, I think it's fine that he's still somewhat emotionally occupied with her. We don't know if he obsesses about her every day and since the London travis thing is pretty recent, maybe it was just on his mind that day? Also why does he have to keep quiet? taylor can write whatever she wants in her songs, I think he is more than justified to have a conversation in public. We have no reason to think he meant for this to get out or to "[re-insert] himself into the ex he resented' life," as you put it.

to end off, anon I really think you should touch grass (and I'm not trying to be condescending here) because it feels like you're blowing up select details out of proportion to fit the narrative taylor has created through her music. We don't know how accurate that narrative is.

[miraculouslbcnreactions]

Miraculous is always weird about apology but it's also weird about the thing that count as joke and not. Like Marinette stalkery behavior? It used to be a joke but then BAM! S5 say nope, Marinette is just mentally unstable. And then there's the whole LB throwing CN to the trash can, "it's a joke!" Fandom said, except CN reaction said otherwise. He's basically beat himself for almost half of the episode because of his untiming joke.

I don't know what part of throwing someone in the trash is supposed to be a joke. Maybe if the character isn't affected by it at all, but considering he even talked about it to Marinette then it's not supposed to be a joke!

Miraculous' main humor style is absurdist humor and throwing someone in the trash is pretty classic absurdist humor.

To give a quick overview, "absurdist humor" is humor that is based on the absurdity of the situation the characters are in or the things the characters are saying or the way they're reacting to things. A key component of this humor style is irreverence. Even the darkest of topics aren't taken seriously, making it a terrible humor style to use in serious scenes assuming that you want the scene to actually feel serious.

If you want an example of absurdist humor done right, then watch some Looney Tunes cartoons. They're classic absurdist humor where nothing is sacred and nothing is ever treated seriously.

That doesn't mean that you're not allowed to be upset by one of these cartoons. It's perfectly understandable if one of them gets under your skin because a lot of what we see in Looney Tunes would be terribly cruel or straight up horrific if someone did the same thing in the real world. For example, this Daffy Duck cartoon always makes me laugh, but at the same time, I feel kinda bad for poor Daffy. If he was a real person, then this would not be okay:

The trash can stuff in Glaciator 2.0 falls in line with the above examples. It's very clearly there to be an absurd punch line:

Marinette: She doesn't hate you! Cat Noir: She threw me in the trash today.

But just because something is clearly a joke doesn't mean that you need to think that it was a good joke. Even if you think it was a good joke, you can still think it was a poor call for the overall narrative, which is where I fall. I love absurdist humor, but I'd never use it to have my romantic leads treat each other poorly because - joke or not - it's still establishing part of their relationship dynamic. The more you make jokes about them being cruel to each other, the more that's just who they are, jokes or not.

Circling back to Looney Tunes, when I think of Bug Bunny and Daffy Duck, I don't think of loving friends who cherish each other. I think of two characters who delight in torturing each other. If you asked me to write these two in a more serious story without any of the humor, they'd be toxic and abusive because that's the only dynamic they have. I can't think of a Looney Tunes story that shows them being nice to each other.

That doesn't mean that you can't use absurdist humor between people who love each other. You just have to be careful about what type of jokes you tell. If you stick to situational absurdist humor such as Marinette needing to steal Adrien's phone to erase a message, then you can get away with a lot more questionable behavior because there's a strong argument that a serious show would just never put her in that situation, making her actions easy to ignore.

Stuff that's a lot harder to ignore would include things like a running gag where Ladybug throws Chat Noir in trashcans when he annoys her. The more you do that, the more it comes across like she actively dislikes him. Eventually, it will reach a point where, even if you remove the joke, you still feel like you can't write her as actually liking her partner because the show never writes her as liking him. This is a problem I'd argue that the show actually has. They massively overplayed the pushy Chat Noir/annoyed Ladybug dynamic to the point where it was painful. I can only overlook it in my own writing because of how massively it goes against their intended character roles.

[avionvadion]

Part Two of "I have no self control, so here ya go."

Lucifer x Fem!Human!OC

Warning: I don’t know how to write songs, so please don’t judge the Lucifer song too hard. T_T El isn’t affected by the song magic in Hell/Heaven so she ends up singing whatever songs she knows from her time on earth. In this chapter, it's "Here Comes A Thought".

I've decided this takes place just before the Pilot episode. So Angel has not been recruited yet, and the hotel is still the "Happy Hotel".

Lucifer was incredibly anxious as he shifted in his seat, one arm crossed over his chest while he bit the tips of his gloved fingers on his other, watching as Eleanora read the letter. What if it was horrible? What if he wrote too much? What if he was too honest and that ruined the letter? He can’t send that to Charlie. Maybe this was a bad idea after all. 

They should stop now while they’re ahead, before things go too far and he can’t take it all back. 

But what if doing that is what ruins everything? 

Lucifer’s mind felt like a trainwreck; he didn’t know which direction to take, which way to go. All the conductors were screaming at each other, but no one was willing to pull the lever to set him on the right track. 

No one except… 

Ellie? 

His sharp fangs had just started tearing through the fabric of the gloves and into his fingers when the Blue Human suddenly reached out, startling him by grabbing his hand and lowering it from his lips. 

She hadn’t even looked away from the writing. 

He blinked. 

Lucifer looked down at the hand she had grabbed. Eleanora’s grip was loose, her fingers just barely resting over his, but she didn’t pull away, simply holding it in place so he didn’t start biting again. 

It was… warm. 

Does she truly want to help me? 

Lucifer, ever since falling from Heaven and seeing the horrors that were inside Hell, had always believed giving humanity free will was one of his biggest mistakes. But he had scared this human, threatened her, kidnapped her, and coerced her into giving him advice, and yet… despite all that… she’s been trying to genuinely help him. 

And then she sang that song… 

Sure, they had a deal now, but they didn’t when they had first started writing this letter. Nothing in her actions or behavior has changed- save for the fact that she was acting more comfortable around him now, but it was the same for him so that didn’t really mean anything, did it? This human must truly be a good person like his daughter believed. 

“Has… Earth changed at all?” 

Eleanora paused, finally prying her eyes away from the letter to look down at him, confused. “Hah?” 

“Earth.” Lucifer repeated, his yellow-and-red snake eyes boring into her brown ones expectantly, hopefully. “Has it… changed? Or are you just one of the few who are most likely to get into Heaven?” 

The woman stared at him, only to turn away with a snort. “I wouldn’t necessarily say I’m “one of the few”. But… the people I used to hang out with in my school days always said I’d probably be the only one at our lunch table who wouldn’t end up in Hell. Pfft!” She laughed, flashing him a grin once she realized the irony of her situation. “Funny how that worked out, am I right? They were all wrong! Technically. Which… actually makes it funnier? But, uh, nah. Probably not.” 

Eleanora set the letter down on the desk and made to move her left hand from his- only to freeze, fingers twitching, as her eyes went wide. Lucifer realized then that she had no idea she had stopped him from nibbling his hand to bits, and that she’s been holding said hand for the better half of ten minutes. 

“Uh…” Slowly, stiffly, she pulled her hand away, her face burning a bright red, and Lucifer stared intently at her as she turned to lean her back against the desk, folding her arms over her chest as she smiled awkwardly, not looking at him. “I mean, I’m from America and it’s gotten really shitty over the past few years. There was the pandemic, we’re practically about to start World War III, and to top it all off- we’re regressing back into the nineteen twenties! Where women are property and cattle and nothing else!”

She laughed, the sound fake and stressed and very much bitter. 

The human waved a hand in the air. “Pisses me off! I mean, seriously, women can’t even breastfeed in public without getting yelled at because we might “excite” some random weirdos! Like, hello~? No! If a baby needs to be fed, it should be fucking fed. But no- let’s let it starve because some asshole might not be able to keep his hands or eyes to himself! Ugh!” 

She crossed her arms again, glaring into nothing, and Lucifer leaned sideways against his desk, elbow propped up and hand on his cheek. He was practically staring into her skull, his gaze so intense, and after a minute of seething in her thoughts Eleanora jolted, sensing his stare. 

Turning slowly to look at him, she blinked, unable to decipher what exactly he was thinking- if he was even thinking anything at all-  and quickly flashed him an apologetic smile, waving a hand at him- the same hand she had held his with. 

“S-Sorry! I… I got mad. And… rambled. Um. But, yeah, Charlie definitely thinks I would’ve gotten into Heaven- I disagreed, because, like, I never really believed in God until coming down here? I mean, my parents are religious, but even though they tried to force that on us, me and my siblings were all pretty… indifferent about the matter? That said, I wasn’t about to argue when Charlie asked me question after question and kept… getting more and more excited.” 

“What questions did she ask you?”

Eleanora froze. Realizing he was actually interested in what she had to say and wasn’t going to tell her to stop talking, she brightened. “O-Oh! Um, just- y’know, the usual, “Have you ever done drugs or smoked, do you drink- if so, how much and how often, have you ever had intercourse before marriage"? That kinda of thing. Oh! "Have you ever maimed or killed someone? Have you ever thought about maiming or killing someone"?”

“And?” 

She startled at that, looking at the devil king with wide eyes. “What?” 

Lucifer’s gaze was curious. “What did you tell her?” 

The human was stunned. “Well, I…” 

Clearing her throat, she looked away and began to count with her fingers as she answered, surprised he even wanted to know. Lucifer himself was a little surprised he wanted to know, especially since he probably won’t even remember half of it, but… he was curious. 

Who was this human? Why was it her that was summoned into Hell? Who was she to genuinely want to help him, even though he had abducted and threatened her for her assistance? 

Why was she so good, when the rest of humanity was so wretched and awful? 

“Um, well, I’ve never done drugs.” Eleanora began to list, thinking back on her answers. “Or smoke. My health was bad enough already, and I really didn’t want to make my asthma worse. Also, I don’t drink. Sure, my older sister would have me take an occasional sip of her wine just so I can say I tried it, but that’s only, like, once or twice a year since she doesn’t drink as much as she used to. Apparently I’m a dessert wine kinda gal?”

Lucifer sat up, squinting an eye. “Asthma? You don’t act like an asthmatic.”

“Charlie!” She beamed, snapping her fingers and pointing at him. “Part of the pact! My meds aren’t available down here, so she’s literally using some kind of magic to keep me from keeling over! I haven’t been able to breathe this well or talk so much since I was small! Heck, I can do zoomies and not collapse three seconds in! She’s such a sweetie.” 

She is. One hundred percent. His daughter was the best. 

“Anyways, she went on to explain the Happy Hotel to me and convinced me to make a pact with her, so not only have my lung issues been taken care of, I’ve got her protection and a job at the hotel. Even though… said job is to literally just exist. So I don’t really feel like I’m doing anything? But it makes her happy, so. Yeah.” 

Lucifer lowered his head, processing this. “My little girl’s… really all grown up now, isn’t she…?” 

Eleanora went silent. 

After a moment, she moved to tap her fingers against the desk, not daring to touch him after how she had unknowingly done so earlier. 

“I think…” She began slowly. “Even if she’s grown, she still has plenty of room in her life for her dad. It’s not like you were on bad terms; you just… never got to know each other. So you still have a shot. Especially since she misses you, too.”

The devil king snapped his head up, his eyes growing wide. “You… You really think so?” 

Eleanora grinned, giving him a thumbs up. “Heck yeah, I do!” 

“How are you so sure?” He asked, worrying his bottom lip. Lucifer could feel his eyes start to sting as he glanced at one of the portraits he has hanging up that were of his daughter, before turning back to look at the human standing beside him. “Were you a mother before coming here? Did you have kids?” 

She balked. Lucifer blinked. He watched as she jumped forward, stumbling as she spun to face him, and shook her head, waving her hands at him.  “No! No, no, no! Dude, I never even dated before coming here! Are you kidding!? E-Even if I did have… kids somehow, I’m only twenty-five! They’d be nowhere near Charlie’s age!” 

Lucifer curled a hand around his chin, furrowing his brows and tilting his head at her. “You’re twenty-five?”

“…Yeah?” 

“And you never dated?" That's surprising.

She shrugged. "All the guys that were in my school were morons and playboys, and literally every person I knew who was in a relationship was being abused or cheated on. I've dealt with my fair share of creeps, but, nah. I don't trust people."

Ah. That explains it. “So, then, Little Blue-“ 

“For the third time, Your Majesty, please don’t call me that.” 

He ignored her comment, instead tossing one leg over the other and lacing his hands together on his lap. Lucifer narrowed his eyes at her. “What makes you so sure this’ll work?”

At that, she hesitated. 

Lucifer watched as her facial features shifted, twisting into something darker and grim. His brows raised, finding this reaction most curious, and observed silently as she thought about how to answer. He couldn’t help but wonder what kind of answer she would give, especially since she was twenty-five years old and not a parent herself. 

After a long, suffocating moment, her hands curling into fists, she moved to fiddle with her blue-painted nails, picking away at the paint. “So, I… don’t have kids. But… I do have older siblings, and… when I was small, I never really got to know them.” 

Oh? 

A sad smile spread across her lips, and Lucifer leaned forward, even more intrigued now. 

“They were… going through some things- depression, anxiety; a lot of their friends… killed themselves and, at the time, our parents were just recently divorced.” He winced a little there. “The divorce never really affected me because of how small I was, but it definitely messed with them. To make matters worse, our mother’s house was absolutely crowded with extended family who were… well, completely and utterly toxic, abusive assholes who only ever cared about themselves, never paid their bills, and decided to take all their anger out on me because I was tiny and couldn’t do anything about it.” 

She said that last part rather quickly, her smile growing sickeningly sweet in her rage, and he blinked with a dumbfounded look on his face as she pressed the tips of her fingers together. 

“Their daughter, my cousin, who would beat the absolute shit out of me and torment her siblings and even gutted a live snake, was the absolute angel in their eyes, and I was the devil because I had medical issues and was spoiled by my mom. I was four. Four. And this continued for years, and during this time all my siblings moved out, and I didn’t get to hear or see hide or hair of them for years. Also, note, none of them knew this bullshit was going on.” 

“Seriously?” Once again, he finds himself regretting giving humanity free will. The abuse aside, that snake thing was especially disturbing for... personal reason.

Eleanora shrugged. “They were always out of the house and I was convinced no one would believe me. Her parents didn’t believe me whenever I tried to defend myself, so why would anyone else believe me? People were already convinced I had an "active imagination".”

Lucifer clicked his tongue, leaning back in his seat. “Fuck that.” 

If the other six sins had met and abused his adorable Charlie, and she tried to tell him such, he would’ve believed her on the spot. But, then again, Lucifer himself was cast out of Heaven. He was young and excitable, with great plans for humanity and Earth and all that would inhabit it, but his ideas were deemed too dangerous, too much, for the likes of his angelic family, and they handled the matter by naming him the devil and tossing him down here with his beloved… who… also eventually left him, taking their daughter with her. Leaving him alone. 

Ah, damn it. 

Is he so lonely that he’s seriously empathizing with this human? 

“But, hey!” Eleanora’s voice snapped him out of his thoughts and he looked up, face shifting into one of bafflement when she grinned and playfully waved fingerguns at him. “A laugh a day keeps the trauma away! Therapy’s expensive, but telling yourself it just be like that sometimes? Doesn’t cost a cent.” 

Lucifer nodded to that, sticking out his bottom lip. “That is true…” 

“Anyways!” She cleared her throat. “After… everything that part of our family did and how it… messed with my brain, I… ended up more isolated than ever. But then they moved out! And… I was able to find out who I was outside of the trauma.” 

“And then?” 

She smiled at him, her eyes sad. “I tried to reconnect with my siblings.”

“…Did it work?” 

Eleanora beamed. “It did. I was fifteen back then. All you have to do is talk with your daughter, Lucifer. Trust me.” 

He just turned his head away, gazing at the floor and the remains of many failed letters. “I… I don’t know. What if… What if she doesn’t want to talk with me?” 

The room became filled with a heavy atmosphere, suffocating and thick with anxiety. 

Eleanora brought a hand up to her face, fingers over her lips, as she went deep into thought. Just as Lucifer’s fears began to grow darker, his heart sinking into the pit of his stomach, she tentatively reached out and set a hand on his shoulder. 

He tensed, glancing down at the hand, before looking up at her, seeing her hesitating again before she let go and knelt down so he was looking down at her instead. She reached out to grasp his hands, and he startled, realizing he had been unknowingly digging his claws into his palms. 

“I’m really not good at this, but…” Eleanora took a deep breath, beginning to sing softly, her eyes gentle as she tried to comfort him in the way that would work best for him. “Take a moment to think of just… flexibility, love, and trust. Take a moment to think of just… flexibility, love and trust...” 

“...I love Charlie.” He murmured. “But that… doesn’t mean she loves me.” 

Lucifer adores his daughter more than anything; he’d give her the world if that’s what she wanted. Anything that was in his power was hers for the taking. She’s his sole reason for living. She’s so beautiful and bright and lovely, in this world so wretched and dark and filthy. But… he knows he hasn’t been a good father to her. 

He barely spent any time with her in her childhood, and after the divorce he never got to see her at all. It may be in part his fault, since he was always too scared to try, but how can he trust she won’t toss him aside like his wife did? 

“Lucifer.��� Eleanora’s voice called out to him, and he flinched, looking down at her with pained eyes. She gave his hands a gentle squeeze, a sad smile on her lips. “It’s going to be okay.’

“But how do you know that?” 

“Just listen, will you?” He pouted at her words, but she stubbornly shook her head and gave him a look before softening her gaze. “Here comes a thought~ that might alarm you; what someone said… and how it harmed you.” 

Lucifer’s eyes drifted down to their joined hands, his lips pulling into a small frown. 

“Something you did~ that failed to be charming. Things that you said~ are suddenly swarming, and oh… you’re losing sight, you’re losing touch~! And all these little things seem to matter so much… that they confuse you- that she might lose you.” 

The blond king snapped his head up, eyes growing wide, but Eleanora offered him a smile. She moved to hold his hands up close to her chest. 

“Take a moment, remind yourself- to take a moment and find yourself.” The human suggested. “Take a moment and ask yourself, if this is how it’ll fall apart…” 

She held his hands out towards him, uncurling his fingers with her thumbs and unfolding them so his palms were exposed, the bits of his gloves that had been torn through there for him to see. Eleanora’s eyes were full of emotion, staring into his with an intensity she wasn’t able to handle before. 

“But it’s not, but it’s not, but it’s not, but it’s not, but it’s not.” She told him firmly, her voice sweet yet ever so strong. Lucifer felt his lips curl back, his eyes starting to sting again. He could feel his heart aching, always so terrified of the worst possible scenario yet desperately hoping for the best without putting forth any effort, his cowardice getting the better of him. “It’s okay, it’s okay, it’s okay, it’s okay, it’s okay…” 

Slowly, Eleanora stood, legs shaking after sitting in such an uncomfortable position for so long. She tugged him onto his feet, the King of Hell finding himself going along with it, watching breathlessly as she smiled at him before releasing one of his hands to brush her fingers over the letter that was still resting on the desk, waiting to be signed. 

“You’ve got nothing, got nothing, got nothing to fear.” Head lowered, her confidence seemed to waver, before she lifted her free hand to rest against her chest, trying to stand tall before him so he wouldn’t doubt her words. Brown eyes gazed into crimson, and she gave his fingers one more good squeeze. “I’m here, I’m here, I’m here.” 

Lucifer was silent, staring at her for a long minute. 

It was so long she started to look uncomfortable, the woman growing worried that she might have sang the wrong thing, but then he turned to look at the letter. 

Taking a deep breath, Lucifer tried to compose himself, snapping his fingers to repair his gloves before moving to pick up the pen he had set down. In that moment of quiet, repeating in his mind the words she had sung ever so sweetly to him, he asked, “How… should I sign it?” 

“Hmm?” She blinked, having not expected that question. “Uh… however you want? She’s your daughter.” 

Sitting straight, he tapped the letter with the pen. “But what would Charlie like best? Should I be formal? How formal? King of Hell formal,” He spoke with a silly faux intimidating voice, waggling his shoulders and almost earning a laugh from the human woman, “or a Sincerely, Your Father kinda thing? Does she even like formalities? I know she’s grown now, but when she was little-“ 

“How about, Love Dad?” Eleanora suggested, a small smile on her lips, her eyes shimmering with a hint of baffled exasperation and growing fondness. She rested a hand on the back of his chair, leaning down just slightly so they were on eye level. “I think she’d like that.” 

Lucifer froze, pen dropping from his hand. His eyes nearly bugged out of his head as he looked up at her, his true personality showing through now that they’ve had not one, but two emotional music numbers. “L-Love… Dad? That’s not- That’s not too cheesy? Too cringe? She won’t- She won’t find it too much?” 

She stared at him, understanding slowly dawning on her that he was less a king and more just a depressed and lonely man who wanted so badly to be a good father, yet didn’t know how. She knew he was immortal, but appearance wise he looked more like he was in his early to mid thirties. This man was an absolutely mess. “Your Majesty… Lucifer, sir… uh…” 

Eleanora looked at the letter and then at him. His eyes were pleading. 

“I don’t know how to tell you this… but Charlie loves cheesy. Formalities freak her out.” 

“…Oh.” 

“Yeeeah.” 

Heart pounding, Lucifer shakily signed the letter, finding himself- against his better judgment- drawing some hearts around the Love, Dad that he wrote, before folding the letter and waving his hand, an envelope appearing in the air. He caught it between his fingers as it fluttered, and the king carefully tucked the letter inside before stamping it shut with a wax seal. 

Eleanora almost flinched when he held it out to her. “There. It’s done. You’re certain Charlie will like it?” 

“Y-Yeah! Of course!” She awkwardly reached out to take the letter from him. “Um, do you wanna send her a gift too? Just to be safe?” 

Lucifer blinked. “A… gift? Like what?” 

“I-I dunno, how about…” The Blue Human looked around the room, taking note of the hundreds of rubber ducks. There were so many, he even had some stuffed under a table. She didn’t even notice the paper ducks hanging over the doorway until now. Deciding not to think too hard about, she gestured to a pile. “Why not one of these? They’re cute. Charlie loves animals!” 

At that, the king jumped out of his seat, laughing awkwardly and wagging a finger at the woman. “Oho! Ha! Haha! No! No, no, no!” He crossed his arms in an X over his chest, shaking his head as his heeled boots clacked against the floor. “Absolutely not! Ex-nay on the duck-nay! None of these are… are…”

Lucifer scrunched up his face and bent over, waving his arms dramatically.

“Are good enough for my Charlie! They’re failures, all of them!” 

“Wait, seriously?” Eleanora walked over to pick one up from off the top of one of the bigger piles. The one she grabbed was wearing a red-and-white striped sweater. “But they’re adorable!” 

She squeezed it. 

It squeaked.

A big goofy grin spread across her face. 

The human cooed, holding it up with both hands, and Lucifer froze- on his tiptoes, half bent over in his overdramatic panic, his arms held out and hands extended in front of him. The devil king stared at her, watching as she squeezed it again. “She’d love this! Ohhh~ or maybe this one? Awww, it has a little hat! So precious!” 

She reached out to pick it up. 

It took Lucifer’s stunned brain a bit too long to recognize what the specific hat he had put on that particular rubber duck meant, but once he did he tossed a hand out, pointing a claw at it with a panicked shriek. 

“No!” 

A beam of light blasted out of his hand, and Eleanora screamed, stumbling and falling back as the duck was simultaneously sent flying out of her hands and incinerated. She looked up at him with wide, terrified eyes, but he just turned to her, breathing heavily. 

“Don’t… Don’t squeak that one.” He told her. “It’ll kill you.” 

Well, not anymore, anyways, given he just blasted that thing into oblivion. But it could’ve. Would’ve, had he not acted. Then Charlie would be sad, and he wouldn’t have anyone to give him advice anymore.  

Oddly enough, he’s actually growing rather fond of this human. She was a good one. Even better, she understood his relationship with Charlie, or lack thereof, and was actively trying to help. In an even odder way, she felt a bit like a kindred spirit. 

But that could just be his loneliness and desperation for connection talking. 

“That fucking beam you shot out would’ve killed me!” Eleanora cried from her spot on the floor, swearing as loud as could be. “You could have just grabbed it from me!” 

Lucifer paused. “Oh. Huh. Yeah, guess I could’ve.” 

Seeing him give a small, half-hearted shrug, the human forgot all fear of him being the devil king and picked up the sweater-wearing duck she had dropped, tossing it at him in a fit of anger. Lucifer blinked and looked down, watching as it hit his chest with a squeak. 

He turned to her, deeply unimpressed. “Really? That’s what you choose to do? Even though I just saved you? You’re in my house, and you’re throwing my rubber ducks… at me?”  

Eleanora opened her mouth like she was about to yell at him, but thought better of it and huffed, pushing herself up onto her feet and moving to set the letter safely on the table. She marched over to another pile of rubber ducks. Picking one up, she turned and faced him, and he just stared, eyes half-lidded, as she threw another one at him. 

It bounced off his shoulder. 

With a squeak, it began to glow with a brilliant yellow light. The light faded after three seconds. 

When she threw a third duck at him, Lucifer took it upon himself to dodge. He barked a laugh, pointing at her. “Ha! Missed!” 

Unfortunately, as soon as the duck landed on the floor, squeaking, a bolt of lightning shot out from its beak and scorched a wall. 

Eleanora jumped and screeched, practically throwing herself onto the desk in the same way someone might’ve done had they seen a spider. “What the frick, dude!? Lightning!? Don’t- Don’t you have one that squeaks rainbows or something!? Or glitter!? Something not deadly!?” 

Lucifer held up a finger, about to respond, only to think about it, tapping a claw to his chin. “Actually… I don’t think I have one with rainbows? Glitter, definitely. Dunno where it’s at, though. It’s in one of these piles.” He raised an arm, gesturing widely to the rubber ducks around them. 

The human gaped at him. 

Lifting a hand, she brushed her bangs back out of her face, baffled, letting out a huff, and Lucifer hummed, summoning his staff so he could lean forward against it, rocking on his heels as he rested his chin on his hands. He watched as her chest heaved as she scoffed, her shapely legs shifting as she slumped over, dropping her arms to rest in her lap as she shook her head. 

“You’re ridiculous.” Oh, that’s something. Rather than annoyance, there was a hint of amusement in her tone, like she found his ridiculousness entertaining or, dare say, charming.

Lucifer found his eyebrows raising. “Am I? I wouldn’t have guessed.” 

“Pfft!” She didn’t even try to hide her laugh. “Right!? It’s not obvious at all.” 

Even stranger than her tone of voice, Lucifer found himself smiling, lips spreading wide across his face and showcasing his sharp teeth for all the world to see. 

It felt nice- having someone to talk to, someone who wasn’t a wretched Sinner and who didn’t have ulterior motives. Someone he didn’t have to worry about, whether it be their intentions or… otherwise. It was a welcome distraction. 

One that… actually felt good, instead of being a pathetic endeavor to keep his mind off of other things. It felt so good, he could feel a song bubbling its way up his chest. 

“Well, I may be ridiculous, but what does that make you?” Lucifer found himself saying, standing up straight and tapping his cane against the floor before waltzing his way over to the desk where she was still sitting. Eleanora blinked. Alarm flashed across her face when he leaned against the side of his chair, arms folding over his chest, fixing her with a look. “You just threw rubber ducks at the King of Hell. Honesty, it was quite bold of you.”

“Th-That was… I, um…” Her expression was complete and utter panic. 

Lucifer’s smile broadened into a grin, absolutely delighted at this opportunity to tease her. “A human like you? Why, Little Blue- I can hardly believe you!” 

Her panic instantly switched to confusion, the woman catching the beat he was speaking with, before squeaking when he suddenly jumped up onto the desk and slid to sit beside her, one leg crossed over the other. 

As Lucifer started to sing, he bounced his shoulders, grinning wide as could be as he looked at her. “What a brave human you are~ facing Hell and coming this far! Picking a fight with the king, I mean really, just who do you think you are?” 

“I-“ Eleanora did not have any idea where this was going. As such, she didn’t know if he was actually upset or not. “I just- I’m sorry? I didn’t mean to- well, I did mean to, but it wasn’t-“ 

“A human like you, sweet Little Blue, I just can’t understand you. Come on, let’s walk!” He jumped off the desk, snatching her hand and dragging her with him, and she yelped when he yanked her forward and spun her around so they were facing each other. “Let’s talk, let’s have a dance!” 

“Lucifer-“

“Hey, what’s wrong?” He asked, not at all sincere, laughing as he grabbed both her hands and began to move around. The woman’s feet stumbled as she tried to keep in time with him. “You wanted to dance with the devil, so here I am! Why not revel and enjoy the song?” 

She made a noise of surprise when the room around them began to change, magical silver music notes drifting through the air, circling them. The sky above was a brilliant glittering gold. 

“Lah~ dah, a lati dah!” Lucifer sang, his dull red eyes a brilliant crimson as they spun atop a crystal clear lake, each step causing the surface to ripple. “Lah dah lah dah, lah lati dah!” 

He couldn’t help but watch as wonder began to shine in her eyes, something warm that had once been long dead inside him seeming to rise and glimmer as the world around them sparkled gold and blue. Lifting an arm, Eleanora actually giggled as she spun on her toes, the devil king letting her circle around him before being pulled back into his grasp. 

Before, she had been terrified, and she sang only to comfort him, but now? 

She was truly enjoying the music. 

“A dance with the devil’s what you wanted, so take the leap, take a glance~ enjoy your unique, magical circumstance! Not many get a chance like this!” 

Whether he was referring to her situation as a human who was summoned into Hell itself while still being very much alive, or simply because she was dancing with the King of Hell, he wasn’t really sure. Lucifer was simply letting the words flow, and enjoying himself as he watched the various emotions paint across her face. 

“Lah dah lah dah, la lati dah~!” He sang, before flashing her a big grin. “Say, Little Blue, is that a smile?” 

The human gasped, looking at him with big brown eyes, concern flashing across her features just briefly until she saw his crinkled eyes, realizing there wasn’t a hint of animosity in his words. 

Spinning and releasing her, she fell back with a yelp, but didn’t fall as he caught her by the waist. “I knew you’d find this song to be worthwhile!” 

“Lucif-“ Eleanora inhaled sharply, the devil king leaning towards her just a bit too close, but in a way that was much different from how he did in the first song he sang to her. 

His grin was wider, but not forced, and his crimson irises were sparkling. “Little Blue, Ellie, you~! You made a deal to work at my side, to help me with my daughter so I won’t have to say goodbye, but you~!” 

Lucifer pulled her back up onto her feet, but did not remove his hand from her waist. 

“You don’t know how to pick your battles! Trying to pick a fight with the one who gave Eve the apple, ha! You really are reckless, y’know that?”

“Unfortunately?”

 Lucifer grinned. 

“You wanted to dance with the devil~! So here I am! Take the leap, take the chance, enjoy your unique magical circumstance!” Grasping her hand, tugging her close, they began to dance together again, Lucifer taking the lead as she stumbled along, her face red as could be as he beamed. “Lah dah lah dah, la lati dah~ tell me, Little Blue; you’re a gutsy gal! Just why are you helping me?” 

She blinked. “Why? Because…” 

Eleanora thought about it. For once, her feet were actually matching his steps.

“You love your daughter? And… because I want to? I don’t… think you’re a bad guy. Scary, yeah, since you… could definitely kill me, but- I dunno, you’re kinda nice?” 

Lucifer’s pearly white grin softened then, his eyes burning at the sincerity of her answer. Something in his heart throbbed, and he smiled gently as he sent her spinning to his right, releasing her hand, red flower petals appearing and fluttering around her as she slowed to a halt, turning to look at him once she was several feet away. Lucifer’s eyes widened a little at the sight, and he pursed his lips, wondering if this was truly alright. 

She shouldn’t even be here in Hell. 

Can he… really allow himself to rely on her? He should hate her, honestly, given she’s one of the beings who was given free will and with that free will has made a pact of all things with his daughter, and yet… he can’t. She’s so honest and nice, and… warm. 

And pretty. 

Nope, no, not the time, brain! 

Attraction does not equal affection, and he’s not even sure if he can try that right now- or if he’s even capable of it, considering how badly his heart was broken when his wife left him. Even his brain’s become a scrambled mess over the years of isolation and crippling loneliness. 

Friends are good, though! 

He can handle making a friend. Right? Right. 

I can have a human friend. 

Lucifer watched as a few butterflies flew towards Eleanora, who squeaked in slight terror and ducked down, freezing in place when one landed on her head. He bit his lip so he wouldn’t laugh. Walking over, he scared the magic critters away with his staff and held out his hand, the brunette woman pausing to look up at him with gratitude before hesitantly taking hold of his hand. 

“Thank you.” He told her, voice soft, and she recoiled, eyes wide. 

“Huh? O-Oh, you don’t- haha, nah, it’s okay!” She smiled awkwardly at him. “I’m just… glad I can help. Like I said- I don’t really do anything in the hotel except exist, mostly because we don’t have any residents yet, but, hey! If I can help you bond with Charlie, who’s been super nice to me, then I wanna help!” 

Lucifer chuckled, and this time when he tugged her towards him Eleanora didn’t yelp. She just gazed at him with wide eyes, her face burning red, as their chests and faces nearly touched. 

One hand in hers, the other on her waist, the corners of his eyes crinkled warmly. “And I’m not supposed to thank you for that? Don’t be ridiculous, Ellie. Being fallen doesn't mean I've forgotten how to be grateful. I may be the devil, but I was once an archangel."

She was definitely befuddled by his change in attitude, as well as the sudden nickname, but decided not to comment on it. 

Apparently “Ellie” was more acceptable than “Little Blue”. 

Although, if you ask him, “Little Blue” was much cuter. It suited her. A human in Hell, weak and without magic, lacking any and all ways to defend herself should she be attacked without relying on the pact, dressed in all blue, and… well, short? It was adorable. The best nickname. 

He absolutely enjoyed how tall his ex wife was, as it made for some fun antics where he could bring out his wings and fly about, but having someone a little closer to his eye level wasn’t bad either. 

Wait, what is his brain trying to imply? 

Stop it! Focus! 

He leaned in closer, and Ellie leaned back, intimidated and very much flustered. When he started singing again, his voice was lower, gentler, but still filled with gratitude and glee. “I’ve been wanting~ for so long, to see my daughter~ and hear her song. But in the end, I ran away… like a coward…” 

Lucifer lowered his head, looking away. 

“But,” Looking back up, his red eyes met Eleanora’s, and he flashed her a grateful, painfully hopeful grin, “with you at my side, helping me stay upright, to face the fight, I might just be able~ for once not be a fable~ in my daughter’s life!” 

The world around them shimmered, the music notes fluttering down towards the lake like feathers. The lighting grew softer, but Eleanora was so entranced by Lucifer’s voice and his scarlet eyes she barely noticed. 

Even as they began to dance again, and he spun her around and tugged her back, grasping both of her hands, her gaze did not leave his form. “Lah dah lah lati da~! To be a light and set things right, so what remains is not devoured~! I thank you, Ellie.”

He lifted her hands up to his forehead as he bowed his head, his lips curling back. 

“Thank you. For dancing with this… pathetic excuse of a man and devil.” 

“…You’re not pathetic.”

“No, no. I am.” He said, shaking his head and lifting his gaze to meet hers. Eleanora was frowning. “If not for you, that letter… would never have been finished. It wouldn’t have even seen an envelope. I’m… the worst. Truly. I call myself Charlie’s father, but I can never do anything on my own. I just… wait. Hoping she calls me. That she reaches out. I’m pathetic, and… I know it.” 

“You’re not pathetic.” The brunette stated firmly. Lucifer blinked. “You’re just scared. It’s okay to be scared.” 

“But I-“ 

“You want to fix things, right?” She asked, and he hesitantly nodded. “You finished the letter, didn’t you?” Another nod. “You’re taking the first step. What would be pathetic is if you gave up midway through. But you didn’t. You finished writing it.” 

“...If it weren’t for you, I-”

Lucifer was cut-off rather rudely by a phone’s call ringtone going off. The song was distinctly in Japanese, but it was definitely the iconic, I Want to Change the World from a classic anime that Eleanora enjoys. Her eyes as wide as dinner plates, the magic around them popping out of existence, she yanked her hands away from Lucifer and fumbled for her phone. 

He made a face. “Who is that?” 

“Charlie!” 

Immediately, the man was stricken with panic, jumping back and flailing his hands, cane clattering to the ground. “Charlie!? Char- Charlie is calling you!? Char-Char!? My daughter!? Wh-What do we do!? What do I do!?” 

“Uh, ubduh- ahhhhh, I dunno!” Eleanora was panicking herself, frantically waving a hand at him before taking several deep breaths. “Calm! Stay calm! Don’t say anything! I got this. Phew. Okay.” 

Clearing her throat, she slid a thumb across the screen to accept the call and put the phone on speaker, holding it out with a nervous grin. She rested a free hand on her waist. 

“Heeeey, Charlie! What’s up?”

“Where are you!?”

“Huh?” 

The princess sounded terrified. “Where are you!? Are you okay!? Vaggie went to go find you, but you weren’t in your room, so we’ve been searching for you, but you’re just gone and we don’t know what to do and- are you okay!? You weren’t kidnapped by some mean demons, were you!?” 

At that, Eleanora and Lucifer looked at each other, and the King of Hell awkwardly placed a gloved hand over his face, cringing, because yes- she was kidnapped, and it was by him. Eleanora had to suppress a laugh.

“Are you hurt anywhere!?” 

“I-I’m not-“ Eleanora stammered for a moment, brain trying to come up with some sort of explanation, Lucifer waving a hand in front of his face and shaking his head, teeth bared in his panic. Her eyes lit up. “A-Actually, I… have a surprise for you!” 

Lucifer gaped, jaw ajar in his disbelief.

“Which is… why I’m not at the hotel! Haha, sorry, I know I should have told you I was gonna be gone for a while, but, like- I really didn’t wanna give it away, y’know?” As if. Lucifer kidnapped her without a warning. Eleanora had absolutely no idea she was going to be gone from the hotel.

Charlie’s worry quickly vanished. “A surprise?” 

Her excited gasp could be heard over the speaker.

“I love surprises!” 

“Right!? Thought you might.” Eleanora flashed Lucifer a playful wink and fingergun, silently letting him know they had this. His eyes were wide, the man unable to believe this was happening. “Also, question. How do… you feel about ducks?” 

“Awww, I love ducks! They’re so cute! Wait, does the surprise include ducks?” She gasped again. “Is it a live one!? Are you getting me a live duck!?” 

“…It does involve ducks, but not a live one. I don’t think.” The human made a face, and Lucifer began to lower his hands from his face, the man actually listening to the conversation now and realizing Eleanora truly did know what his daughter would like. “Where would I even get one in Hell? Do they have ducks in Hell?”

“Good point…” Charlie let out a weak chuckle, embarrassed. “And we do! They’re just… not normal?”

“Also! How do you feel about rainbows and glitter?” 

“Yeeeeessssss~!” 

“Aww, yeah!” Eleanora snapped her fingers, striking a pose as she held a hand dramatically up in the air above her head. “Knew it! Alrighty! Well, to answer your questions; I’m okay, I am not hurt, and… let’s not focus on the kidnapping bit, okay, bestie?” 

“Wait, what? What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Don’t worry about it. Part of the surprise. Anyways~ I shall see you soon! Tell Vaggie I said hi! Hopefully you like the surprise!” 

“Aww, you really don’t have to, you know.”

“It’s all good.” She beamed, and turning her head she sent Lucifer a warm smile. “I want to.” 

The king was stunned. 

“El~! Awwww! Okay, well, since you absolutely insist on surprising me, I guess I have no choice but to wait! Hehehe. Ooh, Vaggie, Vaggie, guess what?” 

There was the sound of footsteps and then a calm yet very amused voice going, “What is it?” 

“El said she has a surprise for me! That’s why she’s gone! She’s getting it ready!”

“A surprise? Wait, really?” Vaggie sounded very confused. “But… she doesn’t know anyone in Hell! Where did she go? How did she leave without getting hurt?” 

“Maybe she influenced the Sinners with her goodness!? They won’t wanna hurt someone who’s super duper nice to them, right?” 

“Oh, gosh…” Eleanora was starting to look incredibly embarrassed now, the woman rubbing her exposed neck. “I really ain’t that nice. But, I’m glad you think so! You’ll… learn what’s going on once I get back, okay? With… the surprise.” 

Vaggie was skeptical, but Charlie was delighted. “Okay! Hehe. See you soon! Oooh, I can’t wait!” 

“Just be careful. It really isn’t safe down here.”

“Trust me,” Eleanora said, expression contorting with a grimace, “I know.” 

With that, she hung up. An exhausted breath escaped her lips, and she turned to look at Lucifer. Tucking her phone in her pocket, she brushed her bangs out of her face with a weary smile. 

“See? What’d I say? She loves cute and cheesy stuff!” 

Lucifer just took in a deep breath, brought his hands up to squish his cheeks, and let out a screech before running circles around the room. Eleanora squawked, turning to watch the devil king lose his mind. “Why, why, why, whyyyyy!? Why did you tell her you had a surprise for her!?” 

“...So you couldn’t duck out?” 

He skidded to a halt, the floor squeaking against his heels, and he looked to see her grinning goofily at him, pointing at one of the many piles of rubber ducks that were in his room. “Uh-huh. I see what you did there. You think you’re hilarious, don’t’cha?” 

“I do, yes.” She snickered. “And, hey! Got you to stop freaking out.” 

Lucifer balked, realizing she was right. 

Not giving him time to start panicking again, the human walked over and patted his shoulder. “So, I’m gonna go out on a limb here and guess you made all these rubber duckies, right?” Seeing him nod slowly, she continued. “Okay. Well… can you make one that squeaks rainbows and glitter? Or will that… take a day or two?” 

“A day or- pfft, tch, pch’a!” Lucifer made a bunch of scoffing noises and waved her off, puffing out his chest as he rested a hand on his hip. With his free hand, he lifted his chin and rubbed his fingers together, acting haughty. “I could make, like, a hundred of those before the day’s over.” 

Eleanora placed her hands on both of his shoulders then, making a bit of a face as she kept her smile on. “We only need one.” 

“...I’ll make two.” 

Eleanora had to stifle a laugh at his determined pout. 

Previous Chapter: https://www.tumblr.com/avionvadion/741473939450216448/i-have-no-self-control-so-here-ya-go?source=share

[beauty-and-passion]

CCCC Vol.1 - Cacophony: Mind’s domain (4/5)

Hello and welcome back to the fourth part of my analysis of the Cacophony act.

Let's start with a brief recap:

After a period of peace and mutual understanding, in which Mind, Heart and Soul tried to work together, they start to drift apart

Mind wants to take control and become the new leader. Heart fears Mind and tries to stop him, by subduing him

Since they’re both equally powerful forces, Heart cannot take Mind down and ends up suffering the consequences of his action

Depression follows. Chonny is unable to express what he feels, so he slowly starts to hide his feelings, until his depression worsens into apathy

Fully affected by apathy, Heart cannot bring himself to care anymore. They will all die anyway, so there’s no point in trying to protect their vessel from Mind. He can take over.

And so, since Mind is taking over, this part will be all about him: his thoughts, his ideas, his sick burns at Heart and his reasons. The guy surely has a lot to say.

<- Previous post - First post

_______________________________

Be Born: Mind takes over

About himself - nah, I’m kidding. Mind doesn’t talk about himself. There’s one thing he loves doing more and it’s dissing Heart.

Since Mind doesn’t hold any grudges at all, he insists and reconfirms Heart is stuck in the hole he made for him ah ah ah, take that Heart. Okay, he didn’t say the last part, but I’m sure he thought it.

He also accuses Heart of being responsible for their situation: it’s Heart’s fault for not wanting to be one and staying away from him instead. Jeez, I wonder why Heart didn’t want to stay with Mind, considering what a “lovable” fella he is.

He also confirms he’s “half of a hollow person”. Glad to see that, at least, he and Heart agree that their vessel is “hollow”.

About the split:

Mind says he was in control before and he will be back in control. So, since Heart was the current leader after the split, I suppose Mind was in control for a period before the split? And yes, this makes sense because a person isn’t always guided only by one side. You are not always controlled by your emotions or your mind (or both): they always switch.

Mind doesn’t specifically talk about the event that leads to the split, but mentions a depressive state and a constant fight - which sounds more like the consequences of said event rather than the event per se.

About the current situation:

Just like Heart, Mind feels the cacophony growing in intensity

He’s aware he, Heart and Soul are three parts of the same person, hence why Heart needs him to survive. And this is also why he insists he’s not an enemy: in the end, they all have the same goal.

Mind tries to rouse Heart from his apathy. And he does it the only way he knows: with more reproaches.

Since the reproaches don’t work, Mind resorts to an ultimatum: either Heart reacts, or he will die. Mind is very clear about it in the last line. “Will we be ours? Or will you die?”: Mind doesn’t include himself in the dying perspective nor wants Soul to die. It’s up to Heart to decide if he wants to move forward with them or to be left behind and rot.

_______________________________

Storm and a Spring: Mind’s fears

In The Heart Acoustic, Heart feared that, by leaving Soul with Mind, Mind would make him “sickly, dead and cold”. He fears Mind would irreparably destroy their vessel.

But the picture Mind sees is very different:

1) The vision of Soul

Heart feared Mind would trick Soul into becoming “sickly, dead and cold”. Mind, on the other hand, already sees Soul as something “so deep, and dark, and eternally cold”.

It’s very interesting how both of them see Soul as something dark and cold. From what we’ve seen of him until now, Soul seems powerful, way more powerful than them. And he admitted their constant bickering is “draining his sympathy dry”. So, well, that’s probably why they don’t see him as the life of the party.

Also, Chonny said in the Q&A that Soul “was always meant to be a sort of husk/shell/veneer”, so since he’s the closest to the actual vessel, it also makes sense they see him as something sick and dark, because it’s how Chonny feels too: sickened by the split and full of dark thoughts.

it’s just very interesting that these aspects of Soul are seen by Heart as a consequence of Mind’s influence, while Mind always saw Soul like that.

2) The vision of Soul’s power

Heart feared Mind would trick Soul into becoming cold like him. Mind, on the other hand, fears that Heart would be crushed by Soul.

So, to put it simply: Heart’s main concern is Mind’s ability. Mind’s main concern is Soul’s power.

It almost looks like Heart doesn’t think Soul is the most powerful of them, but sees him as the husk/veneer he’s supposed to be. While Mind sees past Soul’s “role”, and focuses on how powerful he is.

And if Mind is correct, then Soul is way more powerful than we thought. He’s not just stronger than them, he can literally destroy one entire side of the self.

3) An oath between Heart and Mind

Mind mentions an oath between them to keep the Soul whole. When did it happen? Was it before the split? Was it after? Considering what we have, I would put it during Night: that moment was characterized by mutual understanding and a desire to be together and work as one. What better moment to promise to keep Soul whole?

4) A threat - and its consequences

Right after all of that, Mind tries to rouse Heart from his apathy one more time, to push a reaction out of him. And when he fails, again, the ultimatum becomes a threat: either Heart finally reacts or Mind will kill him.

And what happens, right after one of these two equally powerful forces tries to subdue the other? They are the ones who are hit. We saw it during the Juno incident, we see it again here. A threat was enough, to lead Mind down a chaotical series of hypotheticals and dark visions.

Some people saw it as a panic attack and yes, we can consider it as such: after all, we just saw the embodiment of the mind threatening to kill the embodiment of all feelings. If you think about shutting down all of your feelings, won’t you also feel a tinge of panic and imagine all sorts of dark consequences for it?

_______________________________

The Mind Electric: Mutual inability to understand

So, let’s recap:

* Mind is heavily influenced by logic

“But if he'd just once humor me He'd see we need to live life logically”

Mind embodies the logical side, so of course he prefers clear, cut, precise logic over confused, incomprehensible feelings.

But also: the split has been (probably) caused by a failed romance. The reason they became three is because of feelings. Of course Mind thinks they’re bad and they should live life logically!

* Mind’s insistence on lies

In his constant dissing, Mind keeps pointing out how much Heart is a liar.

Again, it makes sense, because logic cannot be affected by lies. 2+2=4 is and will always be true. There’s no room for lies in logic.

But feelings… well, they can be faked. Or misinterpreted. They may look like something and end up being something else.

This is completely foreign to logic. And since Mind knows that because he’s part of the same entity and knows how feelings work, it makes sense he insists so much on Heart being a liar: Heart says he’s in pain, but what if it’s a lie? He says he care, but what if that’s a lie too? How can Mind be sure whatever Heart says is true or not?

* Understandable distrust

So, from Mind’s point of view, we have a leader who is constantly affected by confused emotions and lies all the time. Now, would you think this is a great leader, or would you also think this is a parasite that should be removed from his position?

Sure, Mind is petty and everything… but his reasoning is logic. He sees a bad leader? He wants the leader removed. He sees himself as more clever and more logical? He wants himself as the new leader, because he thinks he can do better.

Also, do not forget the two previous songs: Mind already explained that he doesn’t trust Heart in the leading role - and not just because he’s a liar. He thinks Heart isn’t strong enough for Soul.

And despite all his pettiness, all Mind wants is to keep moving forward. While Heart has already surrendered, Mind still fights against apathy.

* Mutual inability to understand each other

We learned to understand Mind’s motives, maybe we can even share them. But consider what he says:

“I'm sure it seems from his point of view That I'm a simple, cynical machine”

and

“Maybe my existence might be by design A simple fact that he'll refuse to see”

In other words, Mind blames Heart for not understanding him… all while he himself doesn’t show any understanding of Heart.

What are the previous points of this song? That Mind thinks Heart is a liar, that he’s confused by emotions, that he’s weak and vile.

Now, what did we see in The Heart Acoustic? Heart lies and may seem weak and vile, but that’s because of self-preservation. Heart might be affected by emotions, but he’s still very well aware he and Mind need each other to become one. And even if he’s affected by emotions, Heart still has a clear vision of the problems Mind might cause and that’s what pushed him a strong, very strong reaction.

* Understandable distrust part 2: the Juno incident

Mind didn’t take the Juno incident well. And I know, it’s funny, ahah Mind doesn’t hold grudges, sure.

But see how he talks about it and consider when it happened.

In the song before (Night), Mind and Heart were still cooperating. Mind was only thinking about taking Heart’s role as the new leader. And until that moment, Heart probably looked meek and weak in his eyes.

And then, Heart tried to subdue him. And when Mind talks about it, he doesn’t focus too much on the shooting part, but on how Heart fell inside “a hole he dug for me”.

What struck Mind the most was that Heart wanted to kill him. He wanted it so much, he already dug a hole for Mind. Mind, the same force he was cooperating with not long ago. After telling him stuff like “I want to see your eyes looking back and out through mine”.

Of course Mind thinks Heart is a huge liar, of course he holds a grudge! If their forces weren’t equal, Heart would’ve succeeded. Mind was saved, because Heart is as powerful as him.

And this also explains why he keeps pointing out he’s not a villain nor an enemy: because he knows why Heart tried to shoot him and he wants to prove his fears were unfounded.

Despite his efforts, Mind still doesn’t get a reaction out of Heart. He’s still stuck in that hole he’s still “engulfed in resentment”.

And so, Mind sees him not just as a parasite anymore, but as a virus. And if parasites can still be useful for the body (think of all the parasites that live in our intestines that cooperate with us), viruses don’t. Viruses have to be killed and removed.

Mind tried everything he could, Heart didn’t reply. The last thing left to do is to get rid of him.

And that’s when things can truly become dangerous, Soul finally intervenes.

-> Next post

(How about a coffee? ☕)

_______________________________

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[jackoshadows]

It’s impressive the way GRRM has two characters make different decisions and still end up at the same place in order to highlight how there are no easy solutions to the hard choices these young leaders have to make.

As KITN, Robb Stark decides to put the North and his campaign above personal self interest and refuses to exchange a high-stakes hostage like Jaime Lannister for his sisters. He still ends up getting betrayed by his men and killed.

As LC, Jon Snow selfishly puts his personal interest above the interests of the Watch and decides to attack the Warden of the North to save his sister. He ends up getting betrayed by his men and killed.

As Queen, Daenerys tries to negotiate diplomatically and sue for peace with the powerful masters because their insurgency is killing people. She even goes so far as to marry one of them, Hizdahr, and stay in Meereen to help the people instead of leave for Westeros and Iron Throne. And still, the Slave Masters (and most likely Hizdahr) try to kill her.

As LC, Jon Snow refuses to meet his deputies half-way on their complaints and disagreements, he ruthlessly overrides their objections  and instead depends more and more on the Freefolk to get things done. And still, those deputies end up killing him.

Which is why, as much as us readers can debate on what this or that character should have done and why this character is a terrible leader because they did action A instead of action B or why that character would have survived if they had only done action C, there are always external circumstances beyond the control of these characters and their other actions that push them to that ending.

All these ‘Well he would not have got killed if he had only talked to them more!’ critiques never made sense to me. Even when Daenerys conceded so much ground (There were literal slave markets outside the gates) to the slave masters in order for them to stop their attacks and insurgency, them being utterly terrible people means all that ultimately meant nothing.  Daenerys did talk to the slave masters and they were still trying to kill her.

Even if Jon Snow had charmed his men with tea and crumpets, he would have still ended up breaking NW oaths and neutrality to save Arya, leading to the same conclusion of that being the straw which breaks the camel’s back for his men. Even when Robb refused to exchange Jaime for Sansa, his mother ended up freeing Jaime and his own marriage and breaking of promises doomed his campaign.

As GRRM himself puts it:

And whether it be Ned Stark or Tyrion Lannister or Tywin Lannister or Daenerys Targaryen or Cersei Lannister trying to deal with the real challenges that affect anyone trying to rule the 7K or even a city like Meereen and it’s hard. You know, we can all read the books or read history and say oh, so and so was stupid and made a lot of mistakes and look at all these stupid mistakes they make. But these kind of mistakes are always much more apparent in hind sight than when you are actually faced with the decision about, oh my God, what would I do in this situation. How do I resolve this thing? Do I do the moral thing? But what about  the political consequences of the moral thing? Do I do the pragmatic, cynical thing and kind of screw the people who are screwed by it? I mean, it is HARD. And I want to get to all of that.

Even worse is when people go, well, character A did this wrong and that wrong  and are therefore totally unfit to be a leader, but look character B who has never had to make decisions as a leader that affects thousands of lives would totally be an amazing leader because they haven’t done anything yet. The total lack of logic to make these kind of statements is just simply incomprehensible to me.

[cnnmairoll]

Are reqs still open? I've been meaning to request smth from you for a while but college and gym has kept me busy 😭 I had an idea that an hsr guy would serenade reader outside their balcony (harana style). My head is too empty rn bc I just got back from the gym and I'm like real tired so I can't figure out which guy this would be best for but i trust ur judgement and think you'll do fantastic with whatever ypu come up with!! ❤️🩷❤️🩷❤️ -passes out-

♡ hsr-texts

Harmony in the Moonlight

Pairing : Caelus x Reader Genre : Fluff a/n : MY PARTNER HASN'T RESPOND TO ME YET UEUEUEUE (he's Filipino so I needed his knowledge abt this, he's on hiatus) So this is based on the research I did, IM SORRY IF THIS ISNT ACCURATE (◞‸◟；) But Hi Sugo! Hope you're doing well, thanks for requesting!

✦ . 　⁺ 　 . ✦ . 　⁺ 　 . ✦ . 　⁺ 　 . ✦ . 　⁺ 　 . ✦. In the quiet town where you lived, life flows steadily like a serene river, each day passing in peaceful rhythm. But all that changed the day a certain group of travelers arrived. Among them was Caelus, a young man with an air of mystery and a heart of gold. He was accompanied by his two friends, March and Dan Heng, who each added their own unique touch to the unfolding story.

From the moment Caelus first caught a glimpse of you, he felt a spark, an inexplicable connection that tugged at his heartstrings. It wasn't long before he found himself drawn to you like a moth to a flame, unable to resist the gravitational pull. He was known for his composed and impartial demeanor, but his heart held a flame of chaotic good that yearned to be set free.

As he embarked on his mission alongside his companions, his thoughts often wandered to you. He'd pause in the midst of battles and explorations, offering remarks that ranged from serious to humorous, all while holding a far-off look in his eyes. His friends couldn't help but notice his distraction, but they chose to support him in his silent pursuit.

One night, as you went about your business in your room, the gentle tinkling of a rock hitting your window shattered the tranquil ambiance. Your heart skipped a beat as you cautiously approached the window, hesitantly pulling the curtains aside. And there, on the ground below, stood a trio that would forever imprint itself upon your memory.

Caelus flashed a quick, lopsided smile, a glint of mischief sparkling in his gaze. "Evening, if I might say," he greeted in his characteristic way, his voice calm yet oddly animated. "I hope we're not interrupting anything of utmost importance."

You couldn't help but chuckle softly at his peculiar choice of words. "Not at all," you replied, curiosity piqued. "What brings you here, Caelus?"

Dan Heng, standing a bit apart from the situation, had his arms crossed and looked completely disinterested. March, on the other hand, had her camera at the ready, her eyes shining with excitement.

With a signal to his friends, Caelus took a step forward, March and Dan Heng springing into action. The gentle strumming of the guitar began to fill the air, accompanied by March's sweet, harmonious vocals.

Caelus took a deep breath, his eyes never leaving yours. "They say the stars above can never tell a lie," he sang, his voice a rich, melodious tenor that carried the weight of his emotions. "Well, my dear, they've missed one thing—they've never seen your eyes."

Your heart danced to the rhythm of his words, his voice weaving a tale of admiration and affection. His eyes, so often veiled by his enigmatic expressions, now held a vulnerability that took you by surprise.

"As the night unfolds, and the world turns dark and deep," he continued, the sincerity in his words wrapping around you like a warm embrace. "I find solace in the thought of you, my heart's secret to keep."

March's camera clicked softly in the background, capturing the essence of this intimate moment. Dan Heng, though seemingly detached, had a softness in his gaze as he listened to Caelus's serenade.

Caelus paused for a moment, a half-smile tugging at his lips. "Though I stand here with friends in tow, my words are mine alone," he confessed, his voice carrying the weight of his feelings. "For this night belongs to us, the tale of love unknown."

The final chords of the guitar echoed through the night, the silence that followed carrying the remnants of Caelus's heartfelt serenade. His companions exchanged subtle glances, a mixture of amusement and sentimentality passing between them.

As the last notes faded, Caelus's gaze remained locked onto yours, an unspoken question lingering in the air. His heart laid bare in the moonlight. March and Dan Heng exchanged knowing glances, their expressions a blend of encouragement and support.

The moment stretched, time seeming to stand still as you looked into Caelus's eyes, feeling a connection that defied explanation. And in that silence, a single thought echoed through your mind – a thought that would shape the path of your own story: sometimes, amidst the chaos of life, the most unexpected melodies can play the sweetest tunes in the chambers of the heart.

[wanderingmoonmen]

Hi! I just wanted to come here and gush about how much I love your half doomed and semi sweet series real quick! I binged it all in two days and you guys have done such a good work on it. I honestly think the first installment is probably one of my favorite pieces of fanfic ever just due to how great the mix of character interaction and action is within the fic. I also just adore how Mary is handled with James and how he realizes that Mary wouldn’t say a lot of the stuff his hallucinations are saying but also it’s still overwhelming and hurts despite this! I’ve also been enjoying the lot more day to day ness of the sequel fic too, where issues still come up but it’s also not, running from monsters all the time (unless those monsters are silent hill remnants/bad thoughts, sorry James!).

I don’t know if it’s ever detailed anywhere, but what exactly inspired you to write the sequel fic if you don’t mind me asking?

aaaaa this has been sitting in my inbox for a bit because I saw the nice words and it makes me melt into a puddle and I want to take time to properly answer your question. Thank you ❤️

I ended up writing way too much in my answer so the tldr; I have way too many thoughts and ideas and with @fly-rye 's encouragement and participation we're now in a place where there's a whole timeline and already drafted events still out there to do.

My ramblings and more detailed explanation under the cut

I think in the preface to Promise, or somewhere, I've said that literally all of this started as a joke. I'm also going to keep to my guns of coming up with it back in 2018 (albeit a joke that I kept to myself lmao). I had sort of kept my 'joke' meeting in some sort of filing cabinet in my mind. And honestly if @fly-rye wasn't a super cool and amazing friend and didn't indulge my bullshit we wouldn't be here (also I'm pretty sure that DBD audio of Leon sounding very......... y'know affected it too. I also started a playthrough of RE4 on Oculus at the same time. Also also this literally started I swear a couple months before remakes were formally announced.) ANYWAY this isn't an answer to your question, I just like rambling.

Now that sort of plays into what inspired the sequel, I think I am a 'too many thoughts head full' type of person and just have too much to say sometimes (and perhaps also too much imagination). I also like trying to explain things so the in-fiction lore makes sense (like... extensively thinking about how to actually for real explain how James got to Spain or What Is The Scientific Explanation For Silent Hill etc etc. I just like to make things Work in my head, idk how to explain it).

When Promise turned into a project, there was more serious thought into how their relationship worked and how to explain Leon's character changes in future media. Then it was a thought of 'how could things be better for the both of them?' Or 'what if they were allowed to heal and grow as people' and whatever else that can be narratively satisfying about seeing hurt people finding each other and helping each other.

Then that turns into 'let's put that thing into a situation.'

Which, of course, there are A Lot Of Situations considering Leon has... 4 movies and 1 game he's in after RE4.

There's also the interest of exploring the mechanics of Silent Hill and exploring how SH3/SH4 can become entangled with the mess.

There's then the flip side of the domestic life and living as """""normal"""""" people.

So to fill the gaps between Situations we've brainstormed a Lot of timeline stuff and certain relationship beats that should occur (yknow like their gay wedding, spoilers). I'm also trying to show how James integrates with the rest of the RE crew and with Harry and Heather.

So... Basically I've thought... a lot about how to make their ship and this universe integrate into all the canon events and have some random drafts for it (of course much credit goes to @fly-rye to a) indulging me b) getting sucked into this c) being super supportive d) brainstorming the Situations with me) because there's just so much potential!!

Now, this is kinda where I get stuck and why there hasn't been more posted, if you're wondering

I like to be thorough and in my head I think I need to explain and show character development in detail because, again, in my head, I think it'll then be viewed as 'bad' or idk, 'not well written' or 'not making sense' (as if any of this makes sense). So I feel like I need to show how these relationships develop so it's more convincing or whatever. I think about how some media is panned or criticized for bad relationship writing, ie 'we've been best friends for 10 years and he really helped me out, right bob?" Like who says that.

So in starting PE I wanted to try and thoroughly and logically explain how we get to the current point.

Obviously this is also literally fanfic and [insert meme here] it's my AU and I can do what I want [just tell you This Is How It Is]

But... I'm not great at writing fluff or character interaction stuff just for the sole purpose of development. I thrive on hurt/comfort and angst stuff (if that wasn't obvious) whereas trying to come up with story beats for a beach trip or something is much more difficult for me. So I've struggled to move forward because it's just not my forte and it takes practice and patience...

Unfortunately, I can be rather impatient.

It's really annoying when you're trying to be thorough! So even when I've got a plan, I just get annoyed with my writing because I just wanna get to the good stuff!!! Why can't I write this out faster!!!! I need to beam my thoughts into a document!!!

I keep on feeling like I'm making empty promises, but I do really wanna keep writing and posting. I am trying and I think about sitting down and writing a lot, but between all those other hangups and not having time, I just haven't.

I know a lot of this isn't exactly what you asked, but I hope it answers your question and then some. Thank you again for reaching out it means a lot to hear from readers!!!