#it's officially longer than some published novels!!

[crguang]

wasted with longing, part 4

In the face of such deep hurt, you have no choice but to come to terms with your feelings.

friends with benefits, f!reader, 6k words

A/N: don't really like this chapter cause it feels like a nothingburger but there it is... i swear i didn't mean to end it like that but the next block would have been too long to be in the same chapter so i had to chop it in two, forgive me 😞

also, it’s definitely still the weekend on the west coast so i am not late!!! we’ve officially written like 20k words for this series when it was supposed to be a couple crack fics, what even is going on

part three

Every so often, tremors travel through your legs to reach your twitching fingertips like a hundred tiny earthquakes along your limbs while you sit there, passive and morose. You stare at your open palms and observe the natural disaster occurring beneath your skin. Past the white walls of your apartment, the sun continues its ascent among the clouds but its warmth is fought off by the thick curtains of your living room and the heaviness settling inside of you. The blow of previous revelations has made your organs twice as heavy and has brought an ache to your trembling hands, birthing a sense of lethargy only the lost are familiar with. Not for the first time, you don’t know where you’re heading. For the first time, none of it matters; there is just the weight of your body rooted to the couch and the lines of your palms staring back at you, forming crooked letters that disappear with a blink. Your thoughts are a mess devoid of rationality focused on the sting of betrayal that you can feel at the corner of your eyes. She doesn’t deserve them, your tears. Then again, there is a lot that she didn’t deserve that you still gave willingly: your time, your attention, the flutter deep in your abdomen at the sound of her genuine laughter or the naive hope that you mattered more to her than you believed. Your mind is a whirlwind of possibilities that will never come to be and feed the dejection in your bones until your vision blurs at the edges from tears you refuse to let fall. 

You recall the nonchalance with which she addressed her actions, the excuse of destiny as if you were all merely pawns in the hollow of its cold and detached hands. Some things are inevitable and all possibilities are already written. You wondered once what kind of life she must live to be so carefree, you understand now that it stems from a lack of responsibility and a distance between herself and accountability. Her nihilism reduces her to a footnote in a published novel, a droplet in the raging ocean; it takes away enough of her to make her believe that whatever she does is not a choice she fully makes herself. It feels like an excuse to justify not only her existence but everything she undertakes, blaming consequences on fate will always be easier as it relieves her from the pressure of guilt. In a way, it’s not so much carefreeness as passivity. You swallow to soothe the tightness of your throat. Some part of you pities how she lives and you wish you could choke it out with a pillow. Even now, you can’t snuff out feelings that have taken months to develop and solidify within you, and they feel like stones obstructing your blood vessels. It hurts this much because you unknowingly carved a seat for her inside the walls of your heart with her pocket knife, the same one she used to cut you. You can no longer differentiate then and now, whether you started falling for her the last time she left your bed or the first time she kissed you. However, you can’t deny that you’ve got her under your skin and the realization could not have happened at a less opportune moment.

This sucks. You don’t count the minutes you spend staring at your hands like they hold answers to questions you won’t get to ask in the future. At some point you find yourself laying on the couch again, looking ahead while your phone lies on the coffee table, undisturbed for the time being. Hours pass and your eyelids eventually grow heavy, each blink slower to come than the last. Your mind, perhaps to torture you, replays some moments you didn’t remember before this instant; falling asleep as she lights up a cigarette on the balcony outside your bedroom, moonlight stroking her hair and smoke blurring her face; nimble hands undressing you layer by layer with a patience that borders on reverence. The first time you met, your impression of her was that she took care of appearance and found it very important how she presented herself to the world. It was because of her clothes, partly, but mostly the confidence she radiated. She didn’t say too much or too little, and looked at you with a smile you selfishly wished was just for you. Her attention felt like a treasure not many were deserving of and her taste in fashion matched yours, she helped you pick out some clothes then you exchanged phone numbers in front of the store. You went your separate ways after that, but receiving a text from her an hour later turned you into a schoolgirl with a crush. 

You thought you were making progress yesterday, that her seeking you out meant something more than a refusal to see a medical professional. The look in her eyes when she stared up at you in the bathroom… you wish you understood it, but something screams that it wouldn’t have changed a thing. You reminisce and ruminate until your eyes close and unconsciousness generously gives you a reprieve from the assault of your mind.

It’s almost 11 in the morning when you wake. Your neck is stiff from the armrest and your legs beg to be stretched after staying bent for hours. You rub the drowsiness out of your eyes with one hand and sit up slowly, brows furrowed and lips in a frown. It takes you a moment to do anything else, your phone buzzes with a notification three times in a row but you only look at your lock screen blankly. You don’t feel like doing anything, and after remembering the events of earlier today,  you dread checking up on work. Still, your concern for the colleagues you get along with eventually wins out. You pick up the device and sift through the messages that were left unanswered yesterday, replying to your friends to assure them of your safety. Your thumbs travel across the screen mechanically, like you’re writing a professional email you have no interest in, but you are genuinely relieved to find out that they’re fine. You hesitate over Himeko’s contact name. She surely hasn’t heard of what transpired yesterday unless there was an IPC broadcast about it. You hope she hasn’t. You want the truth to come out of your lips, not some news network. Worry makes you bite the inside of your cheek as you stare at her last text from the evening before. Himeko is one of your best friends, she’s understanding, compassionate and an expert at comforting others. You’re not worried that she’ll put the blame on you, just that your feelings will come to the surface once you start relaying everything that’s happened in detail. 

You steel yourself, swallow once, and press the call button under her contact name. You bring your knees to your chest. The line rings a couple of times in your ears before the call connects and Himeko’s joyful voice sounds through the phone. 

“Hey.” she greets you with a smile you can hear, “are you okay? You hung up on me yesterday.”

Your suspicions are confirmed, Himeko has no idea what went on the previous night.

“Sorry,” your own voice is strained from sleep and you cringe before clearing your throat. “Something… came up.”

“Is everything alright?”

Your stomach churns uncomfortably. You look at the floor and inhale quietly to calm the unease slithering up your trachea. “There was… an incident at work,” you say hesitantly. “A serious one.”

Himeko picks up on your tone and hers softens with her next question. “Are you alright? What happened?”

The words spill from your mouth all at once and Himeko doesn’t interrupt you as you give her a retelling of what you read in that article this morning, Kafka’s identity as both a Stellaron Hunter and the woman you’ve been “seeing”, how she showed up at your door injured yesterday and the moment you found out the truth just hours earlier. The line is silent save for your sometimes faltering sentences. Your eyes fall shut in the middle of your story and your fingers clench the phone in your hand, the knot in your throat tightening near the end of it. Saying it out loud, you realize how stupid you’ve been even if the clues weren’t obvious; you should’ve been more suspicious of her absences and deflections, shouldn't have been blinded by her attention and the way she made you feel, should’ve… You feel like an idiot in the face of Himeko’s silence. She digests the information you dumped on her before it’s even noon, and after a minute of quiet she finally speaks.

“Where are you now?”

“Uh, home,” you stammer, blindsided by the question. You half-expected her to lose her mind at the situation you find yourself in considering she was the one who tried to discourage you to enter a friends-with-benefits relationship, and now people have died by the hands of the woman you have feelings for. You pointedly omit the romantic feelings part for now. 

“You should stay at a friend’s house, to be safe. The Stellaron Hunters are very dangerous and you could easily get wrapped up in their dispute with the law and the IPC. Take precautions and be safe, please.”

“Is that all you have to say…?”

“What do you want me to say, ‘I told you so’? You were manipulated, that’s what Kafka does. She bears all the blame here. And I’m sorry you were caught up in her schemes.”

You pause, staring at the coffee table in front of you. Her reassurances bring you no comfort. Your reply sounds small in your ears, “...A lot of people died.”

“I know…” You can almost picture the soft look in Himeko’s eyes. “But it wasn’t your fault. Whatever they had planned, they planned it long before you were brought into the picture. You couldn’t have stopped anything from happening.”

You nod slowly even though she can’t see you. You do your best to internalize that, but guilt still swirls within you and makes you nauseous. You stand from the couch to make your way to the bedroom, footsteps quiet along the wooden floors. You let the morning light envelop you once you reach the glass doors of your balcony and slide them open so the fresh air can enter your lungs and chase away the unpleasant feeling. 

“No wonder you didn’t know anything about her,” Himeko continues, an edge to her voice, “it’s easier to play mind games when you’re kept in the dark. She’s truly despicable.”

You think of what Kafka said this morning about the source of her injury, how she got it looking for you amidst the chaos. You lean on the railing, observe the circulation of cars and pedestrians down below, but say nothing. 

“I hope she never contacts you again. Did you block her number? Is it even her real one?”

“I haven’t thought about it.”

“You should block it anyway.”

She’s right. You put Himeko on speaker and let out a breath as you open your contacts, scrolling through the list and finding Kafka’s contact among it. For a few seconds you feel weak for your hesitation, thumb hovering over the “block caller” button, then you shake your head and press the red letters. You won’t make yourself available for her anymore. 

“I did it,” you tell the woman on the other line and redirect your gaze to the buildings on the horizon. 

“Good. What are you going to do now?”

“What do you mean?”

“Will you… eventually work there again?”

“Ha. Not a chance.”

You don’t know what you’ll do, you haven’t planned this far ahead and were still on the fence about quitting your job before everything went down but there’s no way you’re going back to doing office work after today. In a way, the incident gave you the push you needed to do it. The price to pay for it was far too high.

You talk to Himeko for another half hour before she has to bid you goodbye to take care of the Express. She reminds you to pack a bag and go stay with a trusted friend, and she makes sure to be certain that you’ll take care of yourself before hanging up the phone. She’ll call again when she can, but in the meantime, you’re on your own. You don’t tell her that you don’t think Kafka means to put you in harm’s way and that you don’t feel comfortable leaving your apartment now. Knowing that you could have been one of yesterday’s victims if you had simply gone about your daily routine worsens your anxiety, and even if Kafka’s been inside your apartment countless of times before, you still feel safer within familiar walls. 

You spend the day in low spirits, half of it sitting on your balcony with your knees to your chest and the other half laying face down in bed. You tell yourself that your free time will be dedicated to finding out what you want to do with your life. Then another day passes you by and when the third one comes around you still haven’t gotten out of the gray bubble you’ve unconsciously created for yourself. Your thoughts are repetitive and oppressive, so you sleep for hours to escape them. You avoid going out by ordering food or groceries. Your phone is constantly on ‘do not disturb’ because you can’t handle the grating alerts about funerals and financial compensation, you only pick it up to talk to Himeko once a day. She encourages you to see your friends, to not let yourself be swept away by the waves of negative emotions, and you don’t have the heart to tell her that you’re just not in the mood anymore. You make promises you don’t intend to keep in order to alleviate her concern and the guilt nesting in the pit of your stomach grows bigger with each one. You’re not helping yourself, you know, but it feels like all you can do is sit in your feelings as they ripple around you and you stare at the disturbances for hours, crestfallen. 

In the evening, you await the takeout you ordered 30 minutes ago. You’re laying on the couch despite the TV not being on and feel drowsiness creeping up on you from doing absolutely nothing all day. Who knew inactivity could be so exhausting… You reach for your phone on the coffee table and tap the screen to see if your driver is nearby. He’s parked in front of your apartment building, so he should reach your door soon. You close the phone and wait some more until you hear firm footsteps on the other side of your door. You only stand up after a couple of minutes have passed to make sure he’s truly gone and won’t see you bringing your food inside. Opening the door reveals an unexpected find; the takeout bag lies next to a rectangular package that wasn’t there in the morning. You pick up the bag but stare at the box with a crease between your brows. Outside of food, you haven’t ordered anything else from the internet. You wonder if it’s a misplaced item and bend down to check the postal information. There’s no return address, but yours and your full name are written black on white. You decide that you must look like a weirdo, inspecting a package in the hallway with takeout in one hand, and you pick up the box before retreating inside. 

Putting down the brown bag on the kitchen counter, you think perhaps the package is from a colleague or a friend, maybe even from Himeko since her return address is hard to find. You look for scissors to cut the tape holding the box shut and lift the lid. A pair of black velvet gloves lie on a similarly coloured coat, the inside of which is a dark shade of blue. The material is expensive judging by the gentle  sheen on the fabric in the light, and you blink in confusion. It’s beautiful and a piece you would definitely feel compelled to buy if you saw it in a store, which means it must actually be meant for you. You pick up one glove to find that it fits perfectly with the size of your hand. It’s soft to the touch, you bring it to your cheek to feel the material against your skin. You spot a small card sticking out from one of the coat’s front pockets bearing only three words written in curvy letters: ‘Thought of you, K. <3’

The glove falls from your hand like it burns your palm and lands on the floor without a sound. Suddenly, the clothes aren’t a thoughtful gift but a mocking gesture meant to get a rise out of you. You tear the card into pieces. If anything, one could admire her limitless audacity, not you, but someone out there. She’s playing with you, taunting you to see how far she’s allowed to go before you lose your mind completely. That, or she deludes herself into thinking that she can buy your forgiveness with meaningless peace offerings. Either way, her obvious lack of care for your feelings hurts more than it should, and you’re once again reminded of your own weakness. You know that she doesn’t care, there’s no need to twist the knife in your already infected wound. Does she only see you as a toy for her entertainment? Is she incapable of even a bout of empathy or do you simply mean that little to her? The thought rotates in your head endlessly until you put everything back in the box and throw it in the trash. 

Two days later, you find another package on your doorstep; two expensive pairs of slacks and three tops that are all exactly your size and your style. The note has only a handwritten K and a slim heart on it. You donate the clothes to a thrift store in the afternoon. It's the first time you’ve left your house since you learned the truth about Kafka’s identity.

Next Thursday, you accept a friend’s invitation to go out for drinks. Kafka’s stunts made you internalize what you've been telling yourself for weeks; you won’t pull the brakes on your life for a broken heart, certainly not for her. Being hung up on somebody who isn’t thinking of you at all is embarrassing enough, to allow her such a place in your mind after what she’s done is just pathetic. Despite your heart still not being it in, you dress up in clothes that always make you feel pretty and let your friends drag you to a bar where they dance for three hours and flirt with strangers for two more. The loud music makes it impossible to hear any words that aren’t shouted or whispered in your ear, its bass reverberates uncomfortably through your chest like a second heart. The night goes by with a drink in your hand that is replaced by another the instant its last drop lands on your tongue. Inebriated and surrounded by sweaty bodies, you forget all about the world beyond the cheers of your friends as you make out with a woman on the dance floor and the flavored liquor on your lips. The events that occurred between midnight and 3 AM are a haze when you wake up before lunchtime the next morning, body halfway off the couch and head throbbing so intensely you think you might pass out before you reach the bathroom for some aspirin.

You stumble into the room, squinted eyes barely seeing two feet in front of you, and fumble with the small plastic bottle of what you believe to be your magic pills. You swallow a couple of them and bend low to take a few sips of water directly from the running faucet. Your skull feels like it’ll split open with any strong enough stimulus. You sink to the cool floor and close your eyes, breathing as steadily as you can through your mouth to relax a little. You think you fall asleep for a while, leaning against the cabinets while the medicine does its job of reducing your headache to a dull pulse. Three firm knocks on your front door wake you up abruptly and you jerk away from the sink in surprise. You wipe the corner of your mouth. Blinking away remnants of drowsiness, you shakily stand on your bare feet and run a hand over your face as you walk to the entrance of your apartment. You hope you don’t look as bad as you feel, but you know that’s likely the case. Still, you adjust your clothes and your hair before opening the front door. 

A mailman is waiting for you with a package in hand and thrusts a form in yours after a disingenuous greeting. You sign the paper confirming whatever delivery you just received, a little out of it. He leaves once the small square box is given to you. You walk back inside, turning the package over in your hands before tearing it open. A glittering necklace lies inside, nestled in suede. The gems embedded into it easily catch the light and would make a strong statement resting on any person’s collarbones. You stare at the jewelry, puzzled. Checking the package again reveals no return address, and if your mind was less hazy from this hangover, you would have guessed who the gift was from immediately. Your cell phone pings with a text, bringing you out of your confusion long enough to find it on the floor in front of the couch. You press the message to open the private conversation. The recipient has no caller ID and is texting you like you’re supposed to know who they are. You lay the jewelry box on the coffee table and reply quickly.

“Who the fuck is that…?” You slowly ask no one in particular, brows twisting in a frown. 

You type in a text and send it. The reply you receive sobers you up like an ice cold shower. You rub your eyes with one hand and hold your phone a bit farther from your face as if it poses a threat to your safety, disbelieving. The nerve… There’s a familiar flutter in the depths of your belly but the sensation is uncomfortable now, eating at you and forcing you to take a deep breath.

You block the number before another message can pop up. Frustration bubbles up inside your chest, Kafka’s dedication to remaining a part of your life like a coffee stain on a white tablecloth is seriously messing with you. Make amends? She can’t be this dense. The gifts, her promise to send more— is her image of you so shallow that she believes you can be bought with fancy clothes and jewelry? None of these have been thoughtful or paired with a note that contains more than three words. She’s hurt you more than she understands, clearly. Your issues with her behavior are evident, you don’t believe the idea of them not computing in her mind, she’s smarter than that. She’s kept key details of her life from you, lied to you and caused over a dozen scientists to lose their lives for a component that could surely be found elsewhere, not to mention her treatment of you afterwards and her lack of remorse for the emotional damage she’s inflicted on you. Your feelings are more than justified and run deeper than petty grievances. You don’t understand her at all, and at this point, you don’t care to.

An offended scoff escapes your lips and your first reflex is to tell your best friend about the situation, looking to vent your irritation to a person that’ll stand by you no matter what unlike Kafka’s fickle attitude. You video call Himeko’s number and wait until she picks up at the last ring. Her fiery hair is slightly disheveled, held up tightly in a ponytail. She’s not wearing her usual elegant clothing and is instead clad in overalls with a plaid shirt underneath. Motor oil stains her cheek and fingertips as she waves at you through the screen. You think you can see engines and steam behind her, you can definitely hear hissing noises in the background. 

“Uh… Are you busy?” You ask, taking in the dark stains on the front of her overalls. “Are you working on the Express?”

Himeko makes a sound of agreement. “Don’t worry, I always have time for you though. How are you?”

“Hangover. What’s wrong with the train?”

“Nothing as of three minutes ago. I just finished fixing some issues but it wasn’t anything too serious. I’m due for a shower. You said you’re hungover? You do kind of look… disheveled.”

“I appreciate the euphemism,” you sit cross legged on the couch. “I woke up not too long ago and immediately popped some over-the-counter medicine.”

“So you went out last night? Or were you drinking alone?”

“I went to a bar with some friends, took your advice and drank until I passed out.”

“That was not my advice.” Himeko’s frown makes you smile. “At least you left your house and returned safely. I told you it’d be good for you not to stay cooped up in here.”

You hum absentmindedly. “I don’t remember most of the night, honestly. I think I made out with someone for like… twenty minutes, four songs. But that’s not why I called— I got something in the mail today.”

Before Himeko can ask what it is, you reach for the jewelry box on the coffee table and hold it up to the camera so the necklace is in full view. You tilt it this way and that, the outside light reflecting prettily on the clear-cut gems. You watch Himeko’s eyebrows raise as she moves from her spot in the engine room, likely headed to her room for that shower she mentioned a few minutes ago.

“Wow, that’s gorgeous. Did you try it on?”

“No.”

“Is that a treat for yourself? You deserve it, you had a really rough week and it’d look good with that fancy low-cut top you have— the silk one?”

Maybe it would, too bad you’ll never wear it. 

“I didn’t buy it, I got it as a gift,” you put the necklace down next to you and close the small box, making sure to put an emphasis on the last word.

“Oh? It must have cost a small fortune. From who?”

“Kafka.”

The easygoing smile Himeko wears disappears in an instant. She stops moving somewhere in a hallway, near panoramic windows that show the galaxy beyond them. Tiny creases form along her brows and she stares at you intently, worry and affront clear in her gaze.

“Kafka sent that to you?”

You nod. “She’s been sending me stuff all week, clothes mostly, but this one really took the cake because she texted me from an encrypted number afterwards.”

“Why won’t she leave you alone?” Himeko looks vexed on your behalf and you shrug, relieved that your feelings are validated by her anger. “What did she say? Please, tell me you blocked the number immediately.”

You hesitate a couple of seconds too long, Himeko’s shoulders slump and her lips part to reprimand you but you interrupt her readily, “I blocked her! I swear. She said she wanted to ‘make amends’ and it pissed me off so bad, I blocked her number again. Can you believe her ego? Does she think my world revolves around her, that I’m just waiting for her to make it up to me before I take her back with open arms? We didn’t even have anything. We used each other for sex and despite the semblance of good-natured relationship we had, she still chose to betray me!”

Himeko studies the hurt in your eyes at your outburst and pauses, her gaze flitting across your face for a moment. You exhale, willing yourself to calm down. Your heart rate has picked up a few paces and you despise how easily Kafka gets a rise out of you without even being in the room. The redhead leans on a nearby wall.

“You have every right to be as angry as you feel,” she starts, meeting your eyes with a knowing look in her golden ones, “but… You’re this angry because you have feelings for her, don’t you?”

“W-What?” Your stutter sells you out and Himeko tilts her head in a silent gesture to not lie to her. 

“I had my doubts. You talked about her a lot, I don’t even think you noticed. And your word choice just now; ‘betray you’?” You wanted to trust her and hoped she'd let you in, but she manipulated you instead. It’s normal to be hurt, and while I have… opinions about that, you can’t help what you feel.”

You look away from the screen, lowering the camera in resignation. There’s no use in arguing Himeko’s point because you both know the truth already and you’re too out of it to fight the obvious. You don’t say anything so the line is silent for a while, Himeko resumes her walk towards her cabin and gives you a moment to gather your thoughts. You didn’t know you talked about Kafka this often but the information doesn’t surprise you, she made your days exciting and you genuinely liked her for more than sex. You used the latter as an excuse to justify the former countless times. From the beginning, you were attracted to more than her body, and from the beginning, you were more attached to her than she was to you. Even though these are facts that you’re aware of, your throat tightens at the reminder. 

“I hate it,” you say quietly after a while, facing Himeko’s figure in the camera.

“I know, sweetheart. Nothing’s easy about what you’re going through right now, but it’s not the end of everything. I’m here to help you through it and you have your friends that are there for you too, just don’t isolate yourself while we figure out a path forward, okay?”

“What if she contacts me  again?”

“Then you tell me immediately.”

“What, you’ll come to beat her up?”

Himeko laughs softly. “I don’t resort to violence without at least a conversation first, but….”

Her long pause brings a white toothed smile to your face and Himeko’s eyes crinkle at the corners at the sight. 

After assuring you that she’ll text you in the evening, Himeko hangs up the call. You run a hand over your face, chest heavy. You’ll donate the necklace once you feel less like a wet rag that’s been wrung until no moisture is left. Someone will probably be happy to stumble upon a find like this one, and if Kafka’s ill intentioned gesture can bring happiness to one person then perhaps that cancels everything out. 

The next afternoon, you find yourself in a clothing store that resembles the one you first met Kafka in months ago, browsing the racks for whatever catches your eye. Shopping for clothes relaxes you; feeling the different fabrics and textures under your fingertips, finding a piece that resonates with you, admiring the craftsmanship and creation process of the items on display are all things that take your mind off the mundanity of your life. You’re not that well-versed in fashion, not really, even if it interests you. You’re approached by one of the store’s consultants and it’s as you politely decline her help that you realize that this is something you could do. You could take classes about a subject that actually matters to you and work in that domain afterwards— maybe you’ll learn how to make your own clothes and sharpen your personal style. The idea makes you smile among elegant blouses. You can deal with your parents’ expectations of you if it means you won’t spend another day in an office researching mechanical components for projects you don’t care about. 

You pass by your local thrift store to donate the necklace, but they won’t accept it. The employee’s eyes widens after one look and drags her manager to the front, who in turn adamantly refuses to take such a precious item from you. They wouldn’t know how to price it and its value is a few zeros too many to belong in a thrift store. You leave the place a little dejected, you don’t want to make any money out of it or it’ll feel like Kafka did you a favor in the end. You look at the box in your hands for a minute, then make up your mind. You’ll pawn it and give the money from it to the families who lost their loved ones during the incident last week. It won’t bring them back, it might not alleviate their families’ grief at all, but at least they’ll be set for years in the future and that’s something, right? That’s one thing Kafka would have (indirectly) done to make amends. 

You decide to pawn the necklace after doing a bit more research about it to make sure you don’t get ripped off. You put it back in your bag for the time being and make your way back to your home, shopping bags around both of your wrists. By car, it takes less than half an hour to reach your apartment building. You carefully park in the designated spot and struggle to carry all of your bags to the elevator. Maybe splurging on clothes wasn’t the best financial decision when you plan to return to school and are currently unemployed. You repeat the phrase “I deserve it” like a mantra all the way to your floor. Standing in front of your door, you’ve almost completely deluded yourself that you do, indeed, deserve five new pairs of pants, nine pretty tops and two jackets you’ll wear at most three times in the next year. You’re not too sure about the pairs of shoes you bought afterwards… 

You free one hand to turn the key into the hole and push the door open. Picking the shopping bags back up, you step into your apartment with a sigh, wondering how you’ll begin to start this new chapter of your life. The door hasn’t fully closed behind you that you freeze where you stand, assaulted by the various colors and fragrances of flowers resting on every surface of your home, some in bouquets twice as big as the other ones and all of them transforming your apartment into a disorganized greenhouse. Your mouth opens, bewildered. You can’t count the different kinds of flowers that are there, you only recognize a handful of them. You’re so shocked by the sight that you don’t notice the figure stepping out of your kitchen until she speaks and a sharp scream of surprise flies from your lips.

“Hey– It’s just me,” Kafka lifts her gloved hands in a gesture she means peaceful.

Stupefied, the bags in your hands fall to the ground with a soft thud. Your heart races widely in your chest and you cover your mouth with a palm, eyes closing with the next shaky exhale that you let out. It takes you a minute to slow the drumming of your heart enough to utter words that aren’t strained. 

“How did you get in here?”

“You didn’t change the locks. Seriously, it’s like you wanted me to show up again.” Her joke lands flat and her smile falters an inch at your glare. “Not in the mood for jokes, alright.”

She walks to the couch and picks up an item your eyes previously skimmed over. It’s an intricate hexagonal vase with a soft brown tint, clearly meticulously made. The glass looks very fragile judging by the way she carries it and outstretches her hands towards you, presenting it to you like a gift. 

“For the flowers you want to keep,” she says. 

You’re going to break it over her head. 

[no-where-new-hero]

omg I need your thoughts on the terminally o line author culture bc ngl it makes my eye TWITCH, there are authors I deliberately avoid even tho I've heard their stuff is good bc they're like that 🙈

HHHHH oh good lord, okay, from how I see it, there are two angles on this, both aggravating and sad: the official decree one and the spontaneous ecosystem one.

The officious one is that the nature of publishing nowadays demands an author have an online presence. You need Twitter/X. You need to let every potential reader know your book is coming out. You need engagement through reviews and pre-orders incentives (if you buy now you’ll get a special keychain!!) and word of mouth assurances from your peers that yes your book is as cool as you say it is. You need a newsletter with links (more buying! more voting on lists that are simply popularity contests!) and promises you’re still working on the next thing, don’t forget about me in the morass of everyone else doing the same thing. You need an Instagram and TikTok now to post pretty pictures and videos because one or two authors made it big off this kind of promotion and now everyone thinks it’s the ticket to the bestseller list (sadly, it seems to be working). You need an OnlyFans (a joke but I do recall a twt spat that was a joke/not joke about how rupi kaur will always be more beautiful than her critics and people who took issue with the conflation of beauty with talent). At the end of all this, you’re basically an influencer, a content creator creating content for the content you should be focusing on creating, the finished novel. And the novel itself seems to be disappearing behind the masks used to promote it (fanfic-style tropes, moodboards, playlists, memes) until I now no longer trust the book that I’ll pick up to have any resemblance to the enticements that brought me here. I’ve seen an author or two complain about the stress all this self-promotion generates, but it’s become such an entrenched part of the industry, I think people just accept it. And thus spend too much time online hoping that if they tweet just a little more, produce just one more reel, maybe that’ll be the difference between a sale and no sale.

The other side of this, distinct but obviously connected, is the ecosystem created by this panic of being perpetually visible coupled with the fact that so many of the new authors came of age during the rise of internet fandom culture. That opinionated community mindset that blurs the line between anonymity and friendship is the lens they bring to their own work. I mean, it makes sense I suppose—if you love yelling about characters and words, why wouldn’t you do that once you start to produce your own? This really came home to me hearing about that reviewbombgate “scandal” and how people involved were in reylo circles and that was used to provide receipts. You’re interacting with your readers and peers about your intimate work but they are also all strangers. They will not always give you the benefit of the doubt, and now—as opposed to the past when maybe the worst that could happen was a handful of bad reviews in newspapers—you will either be tagged in hate reviews, sub-tweeted, explicitly called out, demanded to atone for your sins. It’s no longer the morality of consumption but the morality of production. Of course, the easy answer is just log-off, touch some grass. But that can work only when you and everyone else are separated by anonymous accounts or when you have no platform to maintain. As an author trying to make your livelihood from this, suddenly it’s do or die. We’re in a strange moment of authorship bringing the Internet’s echo-chamber and claustrophobic into the real world (this is a lie: publishing now is no longer the real world. But it looks like it) and thus you can kind of no longer escape things.

Will the average reader who isn’t aware of all these machinations care about reviewbombgate? Would a reader browsing at Target think about the controversies around Lightlark? Very likely not. But the impression I’m getting more and more is that the average reader isn’t the one buying all the books. Or shall we say—a bestseller’s status relies on bookstore stock. Bookstore stock is only huge when they know a book will be a good investment. They’ll only know a book is a good investment if it and its author has street cred based on booktokkers, bookstagram, bloggers and reviewers (have you noticed how many books out these last maybe 1-3 years have these kinds of accounts thanked in the acknowledgments? Yeah), and THESE are also chronically online people who will Know. And decide the cast of fate.

Honestly, @batrachised, I see why you avoid these kinds of writers, though I wonder how long it’ll be before the disease becomes epidemic.

[samsheughan]

Confession I guess?

I figured it's time I was honest with y'all. (below the cut; feel free to skip if it's not your preferred cuppa)

I know I don't owe anyone an explanation of any kind, but as I've always said and stood by, I hold what audience I have with the highest regard and respect and I feel y'all deserve more from me than just the occasional "thanks for reading!" you know?

That being said, I want to let everyone know that, it's official: I am writing an original novel that I do plan to have published as soon as possible. I am planning on this novel being a trilogy of sorts, so there will be multiple books coming from me! :D

I have been writing fanfiction since I was 12 years old. What started on a floppy disk has flourished into a passion that I will always be proud of and grateful for. Writing fanfiction has spared my life more than once, and in the process of writing fanfiction, I have made friends that I know I will have for the rest of my life. I am so SO so grateful to y'all.

However, as time has gone on, and especially in the last few years or so, writing fanfiction felt more like an obligation rather than the hobby it's supposed to be. And that's no fun. But trying to bridge the gap between fanfiction and actual fiction (aka, the kind you can get paid for) has also been a struggle. I had a hard time trying to detach the ideas I had for fics from their respective fandoms and convert them into something that could be an original novel.

I have tried to adapt some of my more popular fanfiction stories into original ones, but a lot of the fandoms I've been in just don't make that an easy prospect (even my Modern AUs are hard to adapt since what makes them Modern AUs is deeply embedded in their respective fandom). But lately, the fog from that cloud seems to have lifted, and I am currently working on the manuscript for my very first novel!

All that aside, you might be wondering: "but Liz! You promised us you'd finished your fic! You promised, you promised, you promised!!" And you're right. I did promise. A promise I still intend to fulfill. I am a woman of my word. Sutures will be finished.

Someday.

But the timeline for that finale is now offcially on an indefinite hiatus. I could wake up tomorrow morning and finish it all and then post it that evening. Or it could be 10 years before I'm able to get back to it. Who can say? I sure as hell cannot. And while I hope I won't have to make y'all wait that long, like Claire, I have a glass face and cannot lie. But I also have to live in reality: I am my family's primary breadwinner. We are all disabled in some form and I am no longer capable of working outside our home. Wolf hasn't been for some time, so us staying home with The Pup just makes more sense now that we have officially pulled him from public school to homeschool him ourselves. Doing something working from home is now my chief focus, and I have to do what I need to do to facilitate that. We are good for the time being though (so much so that I closed the gfm I started a few months ago, so thank you to everyone who helped us out in our time of need 💜)

It has been a lifelong dream of mine to become a published author. A writer of love stories, in every romance genre I can get my wee fingers on! xD I am now in a position to chase that exact dream, and I cannot wait to be able to share what I've been doing!

To the Outlander fandom: my heart is yours from the moment I saw y'all. You've held my spirit with your two hands, and kept it safe (hey, jammf would be proud of me for channeling him here, be quiet :P) I have had many ups and downs with fandoms but I am eternally grateful for the love and appreciation this fandom has showered me with and I hope y'all will continue to stick around to see what else I got up my sleeve!

Stay tuned! Good shit is coming xx

[yes-i-read-sappho]

So you want to read "No Longer Human"

One of the things that fascinates me most in this world is translation, and when it comes to reading literature not originally in English I always wonder how accurate what I'm really reading is, especially seeing how much a work can vary from translation to translation.

With this in mind, I set out with a friend to read all three official English translations of Osamu Dazai's Ningen Shinkkaku (best known in English as No Longer Human) in order to figure out which one was the best.

DISCLAIMER: I do not read Japanese so my ability to comment on the actual accuracy to the original text is limited, so most of what I am saying here is based in the readability in English etc. (That being said, if you know more about the original and the accuracy to the original of any of the translations below PLEASE let me know I would be so so interested.)

With no further ado, here are the translations in the order I read them:

1. No Longer Human, trans. Donald Keene (1958)

This translation is easily the most familiar to English speakers (for BSD fans, this is where you can find "page 21, 'Mine has been a life of much shame.'") The main pro of this translation is that is very easily accessible in the literal sense. On top of this, the writing style is relatively easy to understand, if a bit antiquated (see: published 1958).

Unfortunately, while much of the vagueness in this book is almost definitely a consequence of Dazai's own writing, this translation is far from perfect. When discussing it with my friend, we realized that a confusing scene (pages 153-154 in the paperback) actually appears to be a consequence of a mistranslation, as both of the other translations we read presented the same contrary interpretation.

Overall, Keene's translation is fine but can feel incomplete.

2. A Shameful Life (Ningen Shikkaku), trans. Mark Gibeau (2018)

New title alert!

Gibeau's translation felt more complete than Keene's (and I may have gone a little insane using my limited Japanese knowledge to see if a single detail was accurate which it did appear to be). The only real downside to this translation was the lack of italics used within the text, which made it a bit more difficult to follow at times when it came to the character's inner thoughts. That being said, I actually like this as a literary device, especially given that the framing of the novel is in the form of personal journals.

What really made this version stand out to me, however, wasn't necessarily the translation itself, but how the translator addresses it. This book provides a translator's afterward (rather than an introduction as in the other two) where Gibeau gets into the historical and cultural context necessary to really understand the novel, including the I-novel literary movement and Dazai's own life. This really helps readers (especially those less familiar with Japanese history and culture) to really understand some of the nuances of the novel, while the placement at the end - pointedly - first allows the text to stand on its own. Also, in addition to the afterward, Gibeau also provides a brief "Note on the Current Translation," where he explains the merits of multiple translations and a bit of his own process/experience translating, which I enjoyed reading.

3. No Longer Human, trans. Juliet Winters Carpenter (2023)

(I don't know why this cover image is massive but oh well.)

Most of what I remember about this translation is wanting to like it more than I did. I was excited to read a translation by a woman because of how female characters are treated in the novel, but I do not remember there being a distinct difference. (The only notable difference was in the specificity of the language used at one point in the first journal, but this wasn't related to gender and I'm not going to get into it here.)

This translation initially endeared itself to me by directly referencing Bungo Stray Dogs in the introduction for its role in increasing the popularity of the novel among English speaking fans (even though Winters Carpenter somewhat misrepresents the series), but the introduction as a whole does very little to contextualize the novel, especially not compared to Gibeau.

Broadly speaking, I found this translation forgettable.

In conclusion,

I would recommend Gibeau's translation over the other two. However, each translation has its advantages and disadvantages, and you will still get the story from all of them if that's what you care about most.

[afeelgoodblog]

The Best News of Last Week 🐧

1. ‘Robin Hood’ energy strikers give free power to French schools, hospitals, low-income homes

Amid national strikes in the energy sector, some workers in France have found a novel way to protest. On Thursday, "Robin Hood" operations – unauthorised by the government – provided free gas and electricity to schools, universities, and low-income households throughout the country.

Among the facilities provided free energy were public sports facilities, daycare centers, public libraries, some small businesses and homes that had been cut off from power. 

2. UK scientists discover method to reduce steelmaking’s CO2 emissions by 90%

Researchers from the University of Birmingham have developed an innovative method for existing furnaces that could reduce steelmaking’s CO2 emission by nearly 90%.

The iron and steel industry is a major cause of greenhouse gasses, accounting for 9% of global emissions. That’s because of the inherent carbon-intensive nature of steel production in blast furnaces, which currently represent the most-widely used practice.

3. Watch this cargo ship fly a giant kite to save fuel and cut emissions

The 2,700-square-foot parafoil is helping to tow the cargo ship and lessen the workload of the massive diesel engines — reducing the ship’s use of dirty fuel.

4. Scientists discover emperor penguin colony in Antarctica using satellite images

A newly discovered emperor penguin colony has been seen, using satellite images of one the most remote and inaccessible regions of Antarctica.

The colony, home to about 500 birds, makes a total of 66 known emperor penguin colonies around the coastline of Antarctica, half of which were discovered by space satellites. Emperor penguins are the only penguins that breed on sea ice, rather than land, and are located in areas that are very difficult to study because they are remote, inaccessible and can experience temperatures as low as −60C

Kowalski, analysis!

5. Dungeons & Dragons Scraps Plans to Update Its Open Game License

Wizards of the Coast, publisher of Dungeons & Dragons, announced yesterday that it will no longer be pursuing deauthorization of the Open Gaming License 1.0a. The deauthorization of the OGL 1.0a was a huge sticking point for fans and third-party publishers who made a living using a license that was granted nearly two decades ago.

6. Turning problem sea algae into a replacement for plastic

Excessive outbreaks of seaweed and microalgae are clogging up waters from the Caribbean to the Baltic. Now both are being harvested alongside farmed crops to create ingredients for cosmetics and food products.

7. German parliament officially commemorates LGBTQ victims of Nazi regime for first time.

The German parliament for the first time on Friday focused its annual Holocaust memorial commemorations on people persecuted and killed over their sexual or gender identity during World War II. Campaigners in Germany have worked for decades to establish an official ceremony to commemorate the LGBTQ victims persecuted under the Nazi regime.

“Today’s hour of remembrances focuses on a group of victims which had to fight for a long time to achieve recognition: people who were persecuted by the National Socialists because of their sexual orientation or their gender identity,” Baerbel Bas, president of the Bundestag lower house, said while opening a ceremony marking International Holocaust Remembrance Day, the anniversary of Auschwitz’s liberation.

- - - 

That's it for this week. If you liked this post you can support this newsletter with a small kofi donation:

Buy me a coffee ❤️

Have a great week ahead :)

[fullscoreshenanigans]

What ages do you think each GP member was shipped out?

I have a headcanon that the older members (Oliver, zack, Paula) are neurodivergent because they were shipped at a young age and probably didn’t do well at standardized testing of grand valley because they have been at goldy pond for years

(rather than months compared to some newer members. I think Pepe was the most recent?)

You're right about Pepe!

(Chapter 69 & 70 Extras | Mystic Code Book Chapter 3 Q&A)

He's the only one whose shipment age is officially confirmed.

My guesses:

1. Adam: 14 at most, but probably younger (shipped in late 2045) 2. Gillian: 7 (2037) 3. Nigel: 8 (2037) 4. Oliver: 7/8 (2036; confirmed to have been at GP the longest) 5. Paula: 8 (2036) 6. Pepe: 16 (2045) 7. Sandy: 12 (2040) 8. Sonya: 8 (Early 2037) 9. Theo: 12 (Late 2045/January 2046) 10. Violet: 10-12 (2042-2044) 11. Zack: 9 (2036)

Without exact dates, the ages and years might be a bit off because I'm mostly focusing on their birth years, but within a year of error hopefully for everyone except Sandy and Violet, for whom I have the least amount of information to go off of so it's just personal vibes.

Reasoning under the cut:

Oliver, Paula, and Zack have been a part of the most recent incarnation of the Goldy Pond Resistance the longest, with Oliver being there the longest out of the three per the chapter 69 extra. We also see flashbacks of them together.

(Chapter 85 | Chapter 95)

From here, all we have to go on is the "Two Wills" story of the third light novel that focuses on Gillian and Nigel.

In this conversation with Emma on January 29, 2046, Nigel says it took him eight years to create one of the guns they use in their plan.

I'm assuming the ages provided in the extras are their ages on the day they met Emma, so a few months later on March 27 of that year Nigel turns seventeen. 2045 (when he's sixteen) minus eight is 2037, when he's eight years old.

Depending on how long it took Oliver and companions to recognize his technical knowledge, which probably wasn't more than a few hunts in.

Similar to how it didn't take long for Gillian's sister to be recruited for the cause.

Gillian and Nigel arrived at Goldy Pond within a few days of each other, if not on the same day, for the two of them, Nigel's younger sister Lala, and Emilia to all experience their first hunt together. Gillian is a year younger than Nigel, so she's shipped to Goldy Pond when she's seven.

"A boy a little older than [Nigel]" is referring to Oliver, who's already shown an aptitude for leadership for him to start taking on the duty of announcements to the new arrivals, couldn't have been there for too much longer than Nigel, so my guess is he arrived at Goldy Pond in 2036 prior to his October 25 birthday when he turned eight.

Sonya is also shown to have arrived before Nigel and Gillian, yet she arrived after Oliver, Paula, and Zack, as she's not featured in any of those early flashbacks with them, so my guess is she also arrived in the first half of 2037 before she turned nine on June 3 of that year.

This only thing that throws me off with all this is this page from chapter 77 because of how small and young Lala looks at the time of her death while Nigel looks like he's the same as he does in the present.

And shortly after she's murdered is when Gillian and Nigel go off on their own to try and kill Luce with an unfinished gun and fail, but the description makes it sound like it's near completion with the damage it's able to do to Luce's mask. It's hard to say, but with the light novel being published in October 2020 and the Goldy Pond arc being published in 2018, it's possible they retconned Lala into being older, or that there was actually a much larger gap between then and Nigel finally perfecting the weapon and ammunition.

But whenever this incident occurs, Sandy has also been around long enough to be integrated into the Resistance.

As this is the only time he's mentioned throughout the entire light novel. Violet's only mentioned during the conversations in the present day when Emma's talking to Gillian and Nigel about their pasts, so it seems safe to say she's the newest member of the Resistance after Pepe and has probably been with them for at least a year, so she was shipped out in 2044 at the latest.

My arbitrary designation for her shipment is sometime between 2042 and 2044 because of my personal headcanon that she only realized she was a trans girl after being shipped out, but she's had enough time to settle into her identity in her new environment surrounded by the new friends who support her. With the farms being symbols of oppression, I like the symbolism of kids coming into themselves once they've been removed from the farm environments they grew up in when they were unaware of the reality of their world.

(Mystic Code Book Chapter 3)

Your headcanon of neurodivergence being a factor in determining which kids are shipped out early before 17 at Grand Valley could also fall into this, which I think is cool. Thrown away due to narrow, arbitrary metrics of success, and becoming the menace that dismantles them thanks to the very reasons they were discarded.

Back to Sandy, he has to arrive sometime before Violet, so 2040 when he's 12. Just because.

Finally, there's Adam, who was at Lambda at least until November 2045 because he sees Norman there.

(Chapter 75)

But he has to have been at Goldy Pond for a bit for him to become the doorman for the resistance, so he was probably sent there in November or December of 2045.

(Chapter 72 | Chapter 73 | Mystic Code Book Chapter 3 Q&A)

Lambda 7214 did not exist fifteen years ago when James left this message, and the timeline in the mystic code book doesn't provide us with a date for when it was completed, though it's probably in the 2030s.

(Mystic Code Book Chapter 5)

With the experiments that take place at Lambda resulting in Hayato and Jin being born two days before Conny's shipment on October 12, 2045, and having them look as old as teenagers in October 2047 when Emma's group meets them, Adam could be anywhere from one to fourteen when he arrives at Goldy Pond. I go with eleven if I'm indulging in the Adam and Norman are twins theory.

[bookwyrminspiration]

KOTLC Graphic Novel: B&N Virtual Event Summary

There are no spoilers

Shannon Messenger was accompanied by Stuart Gibbs, author of Spy School and other series, who asked the questions

Enjoy!

Event's theme was Iggy Celebration--Shannon chose to wear dark blue, as it's secretly her favorite Iggy

It's officially called Dark Blue Iggy in the books, but the actual color nomination from fans was "tardis blue". She couldn't use that for potential legal issues, but she knows it's actually Tardis blue, making it her favorite

Shannon can't take credit for Iggy's changing color

She'd made him pink in book 2, and so a fan at an event asked her what color he'd be in the next book

Shannon asked her what color she wanted him to be. This fan, dressed in head to toe purple, leaned in and very seriously said "Orange." So Iggy was orange

Opened it to fans after that--but sadly never got the name of that one fan to thank her properly ("Whoever you are girl in purple, thank you!")

Book 10 doesn't have an official release date because Shannon's still writing it (as fast as she can!)

Iggy's color options for Book 10 are still undecided as well

Shannon thanks everyone immensely for their patience; "it's my focus! I want to get to them as fast as possible," but she also wants the book to be good and worth the wait

"Naive Shannon thought the later I got into the series the easier the books would be to write. WRONG!"

she has so many planted seeds to keep track of and constantly feels the pressure to one up her previous books

"I kinda wish I'd set the bar a little lower from the beginning"

She can't make a perfect book; there's always going to be someone who doesn't like something

She's reached the point of realizing her plans, and it's a delicate balance. You don't want reveals to feel like they came completely out of left field, but also don't want them to be like "I guessed that six books ago"

Finding the balance between feeling earned and still surprising is a daunting task ahead of her; it's more labor intensive than she thought it'd be

Stuart Gibbs points out that even if it takes a while, Shannon gives us a lot of book per book, so it's worth it

Shannon never intended to write such long books; she used to say every time that the next one she'd get the hang of being concise and it would be shorter, but everyone stopped believing her by book four

Was a graphic novel adaptation ever part of her plans? Secretly yes--she started as an art major and loves seeing illustrated versions of her characters. The highlight of her year is the cover art, and graphic novels are entire books!

It was on her author bucket-list, but she wasn't sure it'd would be possible; some books just don't work as graphic novels and they're expensive for publishers

When she found out she got the adaptation she "did a happy dance I was very grateful no one could see"

How involved were you in this process? Very involved, since her publishers know she has an art background

They let her pick from writers who auditioned--she wasn't sure that was a great idea because she didn't know if she could be objective; "no, I wrote it this way because it needs to be this way!"

Celina "knocked it out of the park" with her audition

For Gabriella, the artist, she was exactly what Shannon was looking for; she wanted a new style--Jason Chan (the cover artist) is incredible, but she wanted the GN to be distinct and more illustrated

She describes the GN as "like Disney meets manga," cartoonish but not

Shannon gave notes on rough drafts, inked pages, and colored versions--she's sure they got sick of her notes by the end of it

She remembers thinking "certain Keefe jokes MUST make it in," but then seeing them in the visual format they realized "huh, this joke isn't funny anymore"

Anything that surprised you about the process? Definitely some of those Keefe jokes not working, but also the fact they had to split it. At first she thought they could work it all into one, but emotion takes longer to convey visually, and they were "robbing the heart out of the book" by trying to fit it in one

Shannon jokes everything she writes ends up longer than they expect

Do you have any idea about part two? It's in the works, but it's a herculean task for the artists, so it all depends on them; "do not blame them at all! this is a daunting, daunting, massive work load"

Shannon owes Gabriella "all the cookies ever"

it's a very tight timeline, so they'll share the release date when they have it, but for now just let the artist do their thing

Was it weird to spend so much time with book 1 again? Forget anything? Want to change anything? There were some sentences she wanted to rewrite--"a book is never done, it's just due"

Thought about adding Gisela in book one, since she wishes she'd introduced her then; she always knew she'd play a huge role, but thought it'd be more clever to not introduce her until she was ready to bring her into play.

Now she disagrees with that decision and wishes she'd been there from book one, but decided that "it's not bad the way she did it, but it would've been more elegant" so she didn't change it

Does Gibbs have anything he would change about his book? He says you don't always know which characters will catch on, some some that become important he wishes he spent more time with in the beginning--"if I'd done this in book one, I couldn't done this in book 7!"

Any movie news? Hollywood is so much hurry up and wait, a ladder with thousands of rungs; they got caught at the script stage when the writer's strike happened, and even though the strike ended that doesn't mean the gears start turning again immediately.

the script is the most important thing, especially since KOTLC would be a very expensive movie, so the more solid the foundation the better the chance they have of getting greenlit

Her fingers are crossed; she wants a movie/show, but she wants it to be a good movie/show

Fans often don't realize how much work it is and how out of the author's hands it is

Reader questions! (name spellings are to the best of my ability)

Celiana: what advice do you have for young authors? Focus on writing and enjoying that part of the process before publishing! Publishing is stressful and complicated

Shannon throws the question to Gibbs. He says a lot of the times fans tell them they don't like their writing, it's their first draft. "Well that would be the problem."

Very few people hit it out of the park on their first try. Editing is a super important part of the process!

Shannon writers her books weird (editing intensely as she goes because she's always behind on deadlines, and hopes to go back to normal one day), but before that she'd have 2 or 3 drafts each. Book 1 was draft 20, Exile was draft 3, Everblaze was 2.

Gibbs does about 10 drafts each (though admits his outlines process isn't nearly as rigorous as Shannon's)

Shannon reached a point where she said "I don't think I'm smart enough to do this alone anymore!" Her books are like houses of cards, and she simply doesn't have time for the drafts to fall apart

She and her team frequently painstakingly plan things out--and even then sometimes have to scrap things. Remember that scene we rigorously went through last week? "it's not working! Now what?"

Mary Claire: Was it hard for you to find a publisher? Yes. First she got an agent, as that's important when traditionally publishing. She got her at draft 13--said that while she loved the book and its idea, you could tell this was Shannon's first book.

They went through a few edits and thought draft 15 was the one, but she got LOTS of rejections

her confidence was shaken, and draft 16 turned into a mess

At draft 18 it was sold, and then they went through 2 more versions with an actual editor; "so so much rewriting..."

Gibbs tried to get published as a kid, but was rejected throughout all of his schooling, so "to heck with this! I'm going to Hollywood to write movies"...which was actually pretty similar

he came back to writing 15.5 years ago during the last writers strike--"hey maybe I should try this book thing again"

They don't share their experiences to scare you; it's worth it, but you have to love writing to be an author given how much work and rejection it is

That's why Shannon says to enjoy the writing stage as long as you can; you need to fall in love with writing and with your story and truly believe in it

Were you always reading as a kid? Writing stories? When did you decide to write a book? Shannon was very focused on art as a kid and wanted to be a Disney animator, but her art doesn't work for that; she can't draw what's in her head, she can only copy, which "makes me about as useful as a camera"

She thought she could learn the skill, but couldn't in art classes; she realized she was always going to be frustrated if she kept at it

She'd started college at 16 and now her life plan was falling to pieces, so her mom advised her to take a class for fun

it was a film class, since she thought she'd be able to watch TV for school

she was, but her teacher also encouraged her to go to film school since she could finally bring things out properly on the page how they were in her head

"You have a lot to learn, but I see something in you." "Cool, I'm a film major now. Answered!"

Turns out film is too collaborative for her and she wanted more control; "there's those book things, I guess I could try those."

She doesn't regret the journey

Addie: How do you et the ideas to write? Shannon wishes she had a tree that sprouted money and great ideas, but really ideas are everywhere and it's a matter of paying attention.

You don't need your whole idea all at once--can be small like "I wonder if that hat...wasn't a hat at all!"

She knew she wanted to work with elves, and she knew she wanted to strip the magic from the story in favor of sci-fi/superhero logistics. The rest came bit by bit

Some days she couldn't write fast enough, others it was "oo, what if they wore capes?"

Elizabeth: what do you do when you have writers' block? Shannon doesn't like to call it that because that makes it seem scarier than it is; to her it's just being stuck, and she plays the "what if?" game

What if I got rid of the previous scene? What if they went here instead? What if, what if, what if? Open yourself to new possibilities

Gibbs is a big going for a walk person for when you're stuck. We all get stuck, not just young writers. he also likes hiking--walking but not coming back for a while.

At this point a poll was sent to the audience asking them to choose between 5 pairs. Bolded won with percentage included afterwards

Teleporting or light leaping? (63%). Eternalia or Mysterium? (63%). Bathe a T-Rex or Pet a Verminion? (55%). Telepath or Empath? (62%). Cape or No Cape? (60%)

Shannon's surprised the Keefe fans didn't pull through with the Empath vote

No matter what Shannon writes, someone's going to be unhappy, so she started pulling back on appealing to fans and prioritizes what fits the story

Marissa: Will Iggy ever go back to grey? That's up to the readers! Shannon leaves it completely in our hands, so if we ever nominate and vote for grey, she'll write it.

Shannon thanks everyone for reading and being patient, as she's writing as fast as she can

When a book is released she usually celebrates with a dessert; she ordered a bunch of fall flavor donuts from Krispy Kreme today, so she's not sure if she'll save one for tomorrow or get something new

It's dangerous that she can just push a button and donuts will show up at her house (doordash)

Gibbs and Shannon hope everyone love the graphic novel as much as they do--and stay tuned for part 2!

[colleendoran]

Hello Colleen! I just have a few questions about the new Good Omens graphic novel. Is there a limited amount of copies of it? And when you order a novel, it says it would arrive in July 2024. Was just wondering if that’s true or not.

thank you!

Hi, thanks for asking.

I don't know if there are any plans to limit the number of copies. As I wrote before, I'm not running the show here.

Yes, the project won't be out until next summer.

This may seem like a long time, but really it's not. If you've already considered this, my apologies for explaining, but others may appreciate the info.

While I've been working on the book for months - way before the Kickstarter was announced - there is still a lot to do. We need a cushion of time in there so if anything major goes wrong, there are options.

I will be working on a number of pages which will incorporate faces of Kickstarter supporters in certain scenes. This will not interfere with the look or feel of the book in any way, but it is going to take some time.

We are adding more story pages to the book. This is going to take time.

There are a LOT of extra products to manufacture and package. This is going to take LOTS of time.

The final printing and shipping will take months. It's not at all unusual to require a 6 month lead between final production and arrival in bookstores, especially with paper shortages.

If this book were being produced by a major publisher, it would take even longer to come out.

At a major publisher, the book sits in editorial for what seems like an age, then gets put into a catalogue for the next season solicitations where orders are taken and print runs are set based on those orders.

And a lot of that time would not necessarily be given to the artist to write and draw the book: you can find horror stories from many graphic novelists working for big publishing companies where only a small fraction of production was allowed for the artist to write and draw the book: the rest of the time was eaten by negotiations, administration, and editorial. I've done the vast majority of more than one graphic novel in just a few months. It's not fun.

Thanks to Kickstarter support, this is also going to be a deluxe hardcover with gold and red foil, slipcase, bookmark ribbon, etc. The time and expense for all that goes up.

While a major book publisher would have produced this book and put it in a big catalogue to take orders through distributors, Dunmanifestin is a small book publisher which has gone around the process to take book orders directly from fans and bookstores via Kickstarter.

Thank you so much for your question.

[intermundia]

hello! my name is will :) i have two sideblogs, @mgu-h for formula 1 and @merthurianity for merlin

what to expect here on main: it’s like half aesthetic posts and half star wars, specifically obi-wan and anakin, aka the team, with romantic obikin. i also post about ancient greece a bit, and applied my classics degree pointing out some cultural history of obikin dynamics.

i made edits of obi-wan saying “anakin” and anakin saying “master” at each other and a combo. i love to read about star wars and talk about it, esp. the revenge of the sith novel. sometimes i write meta about it all. i also collect star wars books too (more than 300 so far!)

i've also officially published more than 50 obikin stories! if you are interested in checking out what i have written, here are links and short descriptions of all my works, from novels to PWPs. i'm really proud to have reached this milestone (750k words! whew). thank you guys for all your support along the way <3

Novel-length stories:

Lex Talionis: COMPLETE Plotty, smutty, Sith AU. It’s my take on how Obi-Wan and Anakin could fall to the dark side, weaving in as much lore as I can. Force dyad, Sith’ari, Zygerria, etc. Obi-Wan and Anakin go through.. character development.. and it is dramatized in the changing way they have sex. I poured in all of my theories about metaphysics and the Force, all my knowledge about Augustus and how a Republic dies, all of my opinions about consent and agency. It has rough sex in it and some uncomfortable power dynamics that get resolved, so it is not for everyone, just a heads up. It is complete, and yes, there is a happy ending lol. War Drums: IN PROGRESS Darth Vader dies at the end of Return of the Jedi full of regret and wakes up in his 10-yr-old body after the events of the Phantom Menace. Young Obi-Wan struggles to acclimate to the death of Qui-Gon and the discovery that the boy he swore to train grew up into a Sith. Vader tries to use his knowledge to fix the galaxy and Obi-Wan uses his training to make sure they do it the right way. Anakin underwent his rite and is now an adult, galaxy beware. Murder Puppy: IN PROGRESS Obi-Wan’s decision to do more than flirt with the enemy ends up accidentally acquiring a clingy Sith acolyte, and he is tasked with holding his leash while they work together to end the war. This will probably end up around 40k so a bit shorter than the other two, which are chunkier

Core Oneshots: (my argument for the ship, basically)

Symposium: The story that started it all for me haha. I put Plato's Symposium in a word document and transformed it into a scene where Obi-Wan is forced to reconsider his relationship with Anakin, while dosed with an aphrodisiac, which leads to lines being crossed back in their hotel room. It suggests the erastēs/erōmenos dynamic that appears in much of my work. Unwrap, Wrap: Obi-Wan needs emotional hurt/comfort. This story has him fall apart, and Anakin help put him back together, after a traumatic battle late in the clone wars. Dramatizes the way that the war has muddied their roles and how much their lives are entangled. Obi-Wan gets a handjob in the shower, also, if that is relevant.

Longer Canon AUs: (8k+ words, AUs that take place in the GFFA)

Nostos: Technically a sequel to Symposium. It explores would happen if you took the dynamic established in Symposium and then put the characters in the canon end of Attack of the Clones. How would their behavior be impacted? How would the Jedi react to their decisions? Suckerpunch: Set during the Clovis arc, after Anakin had his jealous fight. Obi-Wan checks on him, and learns about both his marriage and the Tuskens. He doesn't want to lose his apprentice to the dark side, or a Senator. Ready Stance: Anakin is bored during a hyperspace journey during the clone wars, so he asks Obi-Wan to spar. Obi-Wan watches him warm up, they spar, and things escalate. This fic explores more core facets of their relationship, like the legacy teaching dynamic. Found, Fixed: Post-Zygerria Obi-Wan hurt/comfort. It’s similar to Unwrap, Wrap, except it’s told from Anakin’s POV and is much more explicit. It’s one of my rare bottom!Obi-Wan fic, he gets taken care of and comforted from being whumped so hard by the show. Anakin Sucks: Anakin has an oral fixation and it drives Obi-Wan to distraction over the course of the Clone Wars, 5+1 crack taken very seriously lol Make War: show!era Obi-Wan after fighting Vader on Mapuzo shares a dream with him while suspended in bacta. Warning for noncon!! Now with a second chapter set after their near miss on Jabiim. Third chapter based on the kenobi show finale hopefully will be out soon!

A/B/O Stories: (AUs that have this squicky trope, all set in GFFA)

Warm Blood: A/B/O fic that people seem to enjoy. Features omega Anakin having a suppressant failure on the battlefield and going into heat. Alpha Obi-Wan has to fight his way to him, and then tries to resist his instincts—until Anakin confesses his true feelings. Run Away With Me: A/B/O sequel to Warm Blood, tells the story of what happened after the mating, how they left the Jedi and what they’ve been doing. Anakin is preparing to go into heat, and Obi-Wan is helping him nest. Set during Revenge of the Sith, though they don’t know what’s happening in their isolation. Temporary Like Achilles: A/B/O fic. Alpha Obi-Wan is drugged by Dathomirian Nightsisters into a feral state, omega Anakin finds and rescues him. It's a fuck or die with feelings and ultimately a happy ending. Heat Haze: A/B/O fic. Alpha Obi-Wan is living alone on Tatooine, 10yrs post Mustafar. Omega Anakin is about to go into his first heat, and is searching for his mother during the Attack of the Clones. The Force shifts Anakin into the future, bringing the two together in time for Anakin’s heat to begin. Heat Shimmer: A/B/O fic. Alpha Obi-Wan is on Geonosis during Attack of the Clones, investigating. Preheat omega Darth Vader is on Geonosis 13 years later, and the Force decides to move him back in time for his heat. They fight, but it's impossible to fight some insticts. Give Up, Give In: A/B/O fic. Qui-Gon lived AU. Omega Obi-Wan is dosed with a heat inducer during a mission. Alpha Anakin who has loved the older Knight forever doesn’t handle that very well. Ends with Service Top Anakin, a favorite of mine

Longer Modern AUs: (8k+ words, developed AUs that attempt to model the canon dynamic in everyday life)

My Anankē: Classics AU is built on the premise that Obi-Wan would never break the rules re: teacher/student fraternization. He would rather endure years of mutual pining than act inappropriately. Once Anakin’s graduated though, that’s a different story. These are oneshots telling the story of their relationship. It is not told in chronological order, so each one basically opens up another window into their lives. Soulbound: Obi-Wan is a bossy lawyer who plays World of Warcraft. Anakin is an insecure veteran who is in Obi-Wan’s guild and drives him insane. They meet randomly in a bar, and Obi-Wan realizes that Anakin acts the way he does because he likes to be bossed around—so he bosses him around. Zone of Truth: Obi-Wan basically helped raise Anakin through being his Big Brother mentor through a local gaming shop, eventually teaching him to drive and getting him an internship etc. Anakin graduates college and Obi-Wan turns into a ghost, for very good reasons, it turns out. Anakin’s betrayed him, and he’s betrayed himself.

Shorter Smutty AUs: (shorter stories, canon + AUs)

Snap, Crackle, Pop: Padawan Anakin gets braid tugging and spanking after behaving very badly during the Battle of Muunilinst early in the Clone Wars. Tilted: Anakin wakes up after Mortis in a female body and hides, struggling to come to terms with the change. Obi-Wan comes to check on him and reassure him, smut ensues. Make Your Siren’s Call: show!era Obi-Wan struggles to fall asleep in the cave from the photoshoot, and dreams about his old apprentice, full of guilt, angst, and smut Stress Relief: Sith-like/Dom!Obi-Wan is rough on eager!Anakin in their Temple apartment, plays on Master/Padawan dynamic. Unperishing Glory: Homeric AU, Anakin is Achilles-type Chosen One and Obi-Wan is his Patroclus-type mentor-friend, angsty sex Murder Puppy: Playful!Obi-Wan seduces raisedSith!Anakin during a duel, bringing him back to the light during sex. People seem to really like this one, it is one of the things I get the most asks about. I have plans for a short story to expand, it’s on the WIP list I promise. Unwelcome Guest: An AU where Obi-Wan couldn't strike Anakin down on Mustafar. Suitless!Vader comes to find him on Tatooine, and wants to be punished for mistakes, there is spanking involved. Rosetta Stone: Based on the Mummy, an AU where Obi-Wan is a librarian and Anakin is a former soldier, and they defeated a mummy together. Obi-Wan is oblivious and repressed, so Anakin has to be very forward. Safe as Houses: Based on Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Anakin is the slayer and Obi-Wan is his Giles-like librarian watcher. Anakin seeks Obi-Wan out in crisis and Obi-Wan takes care of him. The Outlander: Obi-Wan fell to the dark on Naboo AU, so Qui-Gon is Anakin’s Master instead. Anakin sneaks out of the Temple to a club to meet possessive Obi-Wan, there is smut against a wall outside, and Anakin falls to the dark side. Please, Daddy?: Daddy kink fic. Features a bratty Anakin, sex pheromones, spanking and just general daddy!filth. A New Hope: Anakin never left Tatooine AU. He becomes a Han Solo-type pilot who helps a rebel!Obi-Wan escape the Empire. He’s a touch starved, praise starved, virgin who’s insecure about his missing hand. Obi-Wan takes good care of him. Communication, What Communication: Organized Crime AU with collegeStudent!Anakin and accidentalSugarDaddy!Obi-Wan, gratitude kink haha. This fic has been picked up and turned into the phenomenal multichapter story Recoil and Ricochet by @wernnaa.

Potidaea, 432BC: Alcibiades!Anakin and his tutor Socrates!Obi-Wan fight together in the phalanx. Armor kink and period-accurate intercrural sex ensue lol. Minikin and Tiny-Wan: Fluff and crack based on the premise that there are tiny figurines of the Jedi that are alive (kind of like the little dragons in the goblet of fire). Obi-Wan and Anakin each get one, and their Tinys enjoy each other’s company, leading to an awkward but useful conversation. #BinGate: Great British Bake Off AU, Anakin is a contestant who lost his temper and destroyed his bake, Obi-Wan is a judge who enjoys scolding Anakin. Let Me, Master: Padawan Obi-Wan, shy demisexual Master Anakin, Obi-Wan throws caution to the wind and finally seduces his clueless Master, smut ensues with bottom Obi-Wan. Anakin, Duke of Vader, Prince of Coruscant: Anakin is a bratty, troubled prince and Obi-Wan is his unimpressed knight bodyguard. Anakin cries, showing true vulnerability, and Obi-Wan realizes he has a kink for that lmao Sic Transit Gloria Mundi: Sexually frustrated after sparring with his Master, Anakin decides to visit the glory hole in the locker room. Little does he know, he’s not the only one. Boy Toy: Obi-Wan is a fashion designer and Anakin is a first time model. They’ve just finished a boytoy themed photoshoot and get trapped together in an elevator Brotherhood: Anakin is a college student in a spiral after the death of his mother, and his father Qui-Gon left for a trip, leaving his much older step-brother Obi-Wan, who he doesn't know very well, in charge. Obi-Wan picks Anakin up from jail, and the argument goes places. Hard Racing: Anakin is a Formula 1 driver and Obi-Wan is his team principal. After an accident at the Azerbaijan Grand Prix where he ran into his teammate, he is sore, tired, and afraid of getting demoted from his spot. Obi-Wan comes to his hotel to reassure him of his value to him and the team. Beer and Paint: Obi-Wan and Anakin are both apprentices to famous artist Qui-Gon. Anakin has tattoos/piercings/blue streak in his hair, and Obi-Wan is obsessed. Sloppy art and drunk sex ensue.

Smutty +F fic AUs: (short fics that includes Padmé or Ventress)

Très Lecherous: Padmé and Obi-Wan agree to share subby!Anakin, this fic is all three together, and includes DP if that is your jam. Blue Shadow Virus: continuation of above AU, Padmé almost died on Naboo and Anakin doesn’t take it well. Obi-Wan and Padmé dom him into relaxing Post-Revenge: Set after the episode of TCW where Ventress rescues Obi-Wan from Maul and Savage. This is only Ventress/Obi-Wan, but Anakin is extremely present in the fact that Ventress uses Obi-Wan's secret feelings for Anakin to incite him into hate sex. Plus Anakin Makes 3: Sort of a sequel to the Post-Revenge fic, Anakin discovers Obi-Wan and Ventress having a tryst, decides to participate rather than freak out, so more DP haha.

Collaborations: (stories i co-authored with friends)

Apartment Story: Post-Deception arc reconciliation fic, where Obi-Wan is drunk and Anakin is angry. Feelings are revealed, and comfort, understanding and smut ensues. Written with my friend @whohatessandas a RP and adapted into a story. Satellite Mind: What would happen if Obi-Wan could hear Anakin’s thoughts? Spoiler: it does not go well. Set during the last few days of the clone wars, and tracks how their relationship combusted over Anakin’s secrets. Written with @theseptemberist.

[neutronity]

Hua Cheng's Limitless Devotion

Sooooo... yeah. I read all 1.2M words in Heaven Official's Blessing (this included mostly already-published books, but also got my hands on the translation of the last books, since they are not yet published...) and my god I have too many thoughts in my brain.

But I want to start with this one (will put these below the read bar because spoilers abound.) Seriously, if you're watching the show or even if you've not completely finished the novels and don't like to be spoiled, well.. there be dragons below.

TW: Spoilers, Self-harm, Ideation, just... if you've read the books, you know. Suffering.

🐲🐲🐲🐲🐲🐲🐲🐲

One of the most heart-wrenching parts in the entire series is after Xie Lian has been broken. Not only did having 100 people stab him fail to save them, but his attendants have both left him, and both his mother and father have killed themselves so they are no longer his burden.

He's been twisted by White No Face so badly he has decided to unleash the Human Face disease on Yong'An for all they have done to him and his kingdom. As he's walking the former battlefield, recruiting the unsettled ghosts to take part in his plague, a wrath-rank ghost comes to him to offer his devotion and service. He doesn't have a name, so XL calls him Wu Ming. (Hint: it's Hua Cheng, or rather pre-Kiln HC.) They go together, murdering as they go (including the Yong'An king and crown prince.) It's gruesome and angry. XL is also on a clock. The curse needs to be unleashed, or it will backfire onto him.

And XL is resolved to do this. He tests the populace by revealing his face and laying in a hole, with a sword sticking out of his chest, waiting to see if even a single person will offer him help.

What happens next? Well... no one comes. Until the very last moment, when a surly guy gives XL his hat. That small gesture of kindness allowed XL to remember those pieces of himself, and he decided he was not going to unleash the plague.

Because of the whole no turning back portion of this though, the only way to stop what XL had started was to take in the cursed souls himself, and he was prepared to do that. But at the last moment, Wu Ming steps in and sacrifices himself instead. (Did I cry? Um yes. I cried. Kind of a lot.)

But it also got me thinking: what would have happened if XL had not "come to his senses" and actually unleashed the plague? Would HC still have faithfully followed him?

Yes.

We are meant to understand this too. That even if XL had folded in on himself and become a monster like WNF/Jun Wu, even with Hua Cheng knowing fully that XL had turned to that? Still he would have followed.

HC was not looking for XL to be a different person, he had not foisted expectations on XL. His faith (and ultimately what kept him tenaciously attached to the world) was that he lived for XL. That would mean that he would have lived for XL even if XL turned into a monster.

This is different than Feng Xin too, who had specific idealizations and expectations of XL. Princes should not dirty their hands, princes should not busk, princes should not rob others to survive.

Crown princes should not commit genocide.

Pretty much everyone can agree with that one. Because YEAH. And pretty much everyone would abandon someone who committed it.

But Hua Cheng would not have. He would not cluck his tongue in disapproval and disagreement, because his devotion was so deep. His devotion did not depend on the actions of the prince, they were not his to judge. He would help XL to survive and protect him from everything, even if it was in defense of a twisted prince suffering the same fate as White No Face, fighting heaven to be allowed to kill some more.

If we ever ask why XL lived, it's because HC's devotion was amoral. It was because he had faith and loved his prince more than anything, no matter what decisions that prince ultimately made.

It's really hard to wrap our minds around this. Could we too follow someone who became twisted enough to hurt everyone else around them? Where is the line we have made? Because there are very very very few people who don't have a line somewhere.

Hua Cheng did not have a line.

It's possible (and probable) that this lack of judgment, lack of line, is what will keep XL walking his own path, his third path. Because knowing that there will be someone there no matter what you do, whether it's rob a rich person or busk or... well, unleash a plague... makes it easier to do everything.

If you know that you have someone in your corner that will be there for you no matter what, who cares if you trip in the mud? Or kick someone's teeth in for insulting your friend?

HC's limitless devotion grounds XL. It's the thing that will keep XL from ever transforming into WNF, and ultimately it was also something Jun Wu was missing.

It's hard to say if that would have made a difference in JW's case, but I stand by it making all the difference in the world in XL's case.

[jayahult]

A Brief Announcement About Heresiarch

When I started Heresiarch several years ago, it was my baby. It was maybe the best idea for a story I had yet, and I quite enjoyed writing it and people liked it. Unfortunately and fortunately, the former two points are no longer true. I think the real point of decline was when I got COVID a bit over a year ago. I experienced severe aftereffects from it, not enough to be what is called "long COVID," but long enough to severely affect both my ability to write in my off-time and my abilities in academics. I also had to transfer colleges during that time, so there was very little time for my hobby horse.

What this resulted in was a downward spiral. I slipped further and further in my schedule, and felt more and more ashamed that I was unable to keep up with the demands of something that I felt so passionate about. Furthermore, on rereading to keep myself from losing the plot, I kept noticing flaws in the story - places where I was overly cute with the dialogue, or left plot threads hanging without much meaning, things that wouldn't be woven back together because plans changed and because I was trying to meet the deadline more consistently than keeping things coherent. And the worst part was and is that I still quite love Heresiarch. It is still my baby. I love the characters, I love the setting, I love that it landed the way I wanted with audiences by and large. But in order to fix those flaws, major re-writes would be required, from the bottom up. Compounding this is a major issue with site infrastructure - I've never been the most technical person, but I felt like I could handle WordPress, until suddenly I was attacked by a level of anxiety and annoyance that was kind of unprecedented when I tried to improve my workflow and make it easier to get a chapter out.

When it's all taken together, I think it's best that I put Heresiarch on an official and indefinite hiatus. I do intend to finish it, in some form or another - I want very much to put Ana and Edam's story to a proper end - but it's not a story for me right now. To all those who were hoping for a swifter conclusion, I hope I have not disappointed you too much. This also isn't the end of writing for me. It probably isn't even the end of web serial writing for me - I've been seriously considering just starting a different story while Heresiarch is on the backburner and I hone my skill further, and I've actually been drafting a novel for traditional publishing, so you can keep an eye out for those. I would also like to thank you all for your support. Your kind words about Heresiarch mean all the world to me. Before I was publishing Heresiarch I was deeply afraid that I was not a competent writer, not able to resonate or reach other people with my art because of how idiosyncratic it could be at times. Seeing otherwise has helped me immensely as a writer.

Thank you all again. Keep tuned for more news. Remember - this isn't an ending, just a pause to let something new grow.

[imagination-overreaction]

I haven't done an official intro post, and I have no idea what to write here, so...

Hello!

I'm Shrub! I'm an adult, and I use it/he pronouns, no particular preference

Here's some stuff about me!

Things I like, in no particular order:

Team Fortress 2, drawing, Undertale, Deltarune, Blue Eye Samurai, Faith: The Unholy Trinity, FNaF (to some extent), embroidery, Buckshot Roulette, The Arcana (I love to hate it), Will Wood, plant symbolism, SCP (kinda) (mostly just the idea of it), Gravity Falls, Stardew Valley, Empress Theresa (I love to hate it)

How many OCs do I have?

143 147. If you ever wanna know about one, just give me a number and I'll be more than happy to share about that one (or the one after that if that one is boring). I have been coming up with fake guys for about 5 years now, and with all my works-in progress there is going to be more.

Characters are tagged as #oc-name

What am I working on?

The biggest ones are tagged on this post, but if you want more detailed descriptions...

A short story based on "Cabinet Man" by Lemon Demon, from the perspective of the maintenence man that looked inside that thing.

My longest official project that I'm still not 100% sure what format I'll be publishing in: A choose-your-own adventure set in the realm of the fae where you play as Mina, who just tripped into this world and has to get out alive.

Another longer project: A (hopefully) novel titled The Faceless King. It's lower priority, but I have a lot of characters crafted and a lot of setting made, so I might show off some of it.

Short stories (or a long one? Haven't decided) about my OC Chase, a bold and stubborn idiot that bought a really, really cheap house. The house is a demon. Near-death shenanigans ensue, but he is too bull-headed to let some peeling paint get the best of him.

An AU about the same stubborn idiot becoming a Fazbear franchisee. Near-death shenanigans ensue, but with enough duct tape and common sense, anything is possible.

A shorter, personal, sorta-vent-y project utilising the Software Automatic Mouth, as well as a couple of other projects using SAM.

A series of short stories about my OC Abe, an android created by a deity, and how he interacts with himself and the world around him.

The longest silly goofy project that can and will never be finished, where I take my OC Xavier, toss him head-first into whatever media I like at the moment, and make his celestial partners go find him in a sadistic game of cat-and-mouse. Might post some of this if I have parts I really like.

Any questions about the above things are welcome, and I have so many more characters that I'll probably talk about eventually too! I'm still getting the hang of actually posting to tumblr instead of watching and spam-reblogging from the sidelines, but I do plan on posting at least semi-regularly once I can properly wrangly my executive dysfunction.

If you read this far, thank you! I hope you have a good day :]

[ghostinthegallery]

One Year Fanfic Anniversary!

It is officially one year since I posted my first 40k fic on AO3 and really started putting myself out there in the online community (parts of it anyway). And I wanted to do a bit of a retrospective. Some stuff I learned about writing, fanfic, fandom etc.

it is much easier to start writing once you let go of wanting to get everything 100% “correct.” Characters, setting whatever. People don’t care nearly as much as your inner critic thinks. Or if they do…you can just disagree. It’s fanfic, playing around with ideas and interpretations is the point

i started writing with original work so transitioning to fanfic was a shift. But the things i learned about pacing novels are still invaluable. If you really want to level up your writing, definitely study how novels and short stories are structured

that said structuring a long fic is different from structuring the novel. Chapter releases mean each section almost becomes a short story in and of itself. This also means things get way longer than you expect (rip my word count)

referring back to the original texts often is 1) fun 2) helps you notice things you didn’t before and 3) helps prevent the spread of fandom misinformation. Cite your sources! Especially in Warhammer, our fandom infosphere is a mess

I don’t let the comments drive where my story goes in the broad sense, but they do influence certain details. It’s fun being surprised by what/who readers latch onto. And occasionally a comment has reminded me of something that exists I totally forgot about/didn’t even know. So I look super smart if I pretend that was my intention all along :D

Something should change between the beginning of the scene and the end. Internally or externally or both, something should be different

people did not bash me in the head with the judgement hammer when i decided to publish smut. This has been very liberating. Perhaps too liberating XD

smut is a great way to practice writing short stories. Sex has a clear arc (set up, build up, climax, come down), it is a great space for character exploration, it necessarily involves relationships between characters. and you only need a few scenes (often only one scene) so it stays short. This has been great practice as someone who could not write a short story to save my life

idk if this has mattered but i feel not allowing anonymous comments on AO3 has saved me a lot of grief.

carving out a small fandom space is the way to go. Curate your feed. Block liberally. Don’t engage with people who annoy you, it is not worth it

reblogging and interacting in the comments has been an awesome way to meet people. Highly recommend

Encouraging other people (especially newer creators) to create gets you more art so definitely do that (kindly of course)

robots really are sexy

[cute-girls-from-vns-anime-manga]

I already sent you an ask on this and then FORGOR but any recommendations on where to start with majikoi? Is there a "best" version etc? I am stupid and unsure what's just a release vs different version etc

WELL NOW THIS IS A DAMN GOOD QUESTION AS MAJIKOI IS A LONG SERIES!!!

But unlike some vn franchises (Fate) there is a clear starting point and the quality doesn't drop like a fucking rock! But the naming conventions they ascribe to with Majikoi are somewhat annoying cause yeah their titles dont really scream "THIS IS A SEQUEL WITH ALMOST TRIPLE THE CONTENT" not to mention how "Majikoi" is not actually the name of any of the visual novels but a shortened title given by fans as the actual name is annoyingly long to say

So the order to play is simple:

Maji de Watashi ni Koi Shinasai! <-(Commonly refereed to by fans as Majikoi or Majikoi O)

Maji de Watashi ni Koishinasai! S <-(Commonly refereed to by fans as Majikoi S)

Maji de Watashi ni Koishinasai! A-1

Maji de Watashi ni Koishinasai! A-2

Maji de Watashi ni Koishinasai! A-3

Maji de Watashi ni Koishinasai! A-4

Maji de Watashi ni Koishinasai! A-5

NOW while Majikoi O and Majikoi S are very much Sequels to each other there is not a true route in O that S's plot hinges off of, S actually ends up giving six short after story routes just going into more details about the circumstances and events (but mostly more CG's and HCG's of the main 5 girls from O). But S's new content does hinge on you having played O before as it expects you to already know the characters of the story so it spends little time introducing them in favor of spending its focus on the characters added in S. S is also INSANELY longer than O like I havent actually verified but going by my gut I would say its double or triple the length

On the subject of Majikoi A-1 through A-5 those five vn's are SIGNIFICANTLY shorter than O or S being only three routes each (I think one of them might even only have two routes) now these are full routes and the writing is on par with even in some surpassing a lot of the original two's route writing there. Good thing is Minato soft were gracious enough to release Maji de Watashi ni Koishinasai! A Set which is just all five A games packaged together!

Quickly I will also touch on Kimi ga Aruji de Shitsuji ga Ore de which shares characters and is set in the same universe and timeline as the Majikoi games but as it is quite old an no fan or offical translation exists I wouldnt go seeking it out. Mostly is just neat trivia as some characters fro Kimi do get a cameo in Majikoi S and the A's

As for obtaining these visual novels so far only Majikoi O has gotten a full and official English translation and release with a downloadable version being purchasable on Steam and Jast (apparently jast is a publisher never heard of them befor this)

For the rest of the series I personally Imported the Japanese copies cause im an absolute crazy person who likes this visual novel series way way too much, I believe they are purchasable outside of Japan on Minato Softs store (Of course there is also ☠️ if you so choose that option) you can get the Unofficial translations which are all but indistinguishable from an official release TL over from Majitranslations

[agena87]

.@adelarsims asked me about the relationship dynamic between my four boys. And well, I don’t think I ever really explained it. Not in too many words, at least, so here we are (or maybe I did, but I can’t remember, and if I did, it’s probably divided among tons of posts, most stuff in tags, so…). It’s not easy to explain as a whole, so I’ll divide this post by writing about each duo. Also, I’ll probably go into tangents, as I’m wont to do (the joy of autism). I’ll go by alphabetical order, because… well, because I love alphabetical order.

(I'll put everything under a cut, 'cause it's kinda long - and rambling)

But first, a quick-ish reminder of who’s with whom, and how they came to get together:

Al, Mal, and Wolfie are one polycule, each of them being in a relationship with the other two. Jeb is only with Wolfie. All parties are aware and willing, there is no adultery involved; they communicate. With words. I know, it’s surprising given the people involved.

Officially, Jeb and Wolfie were the first to get together when Wolfie went to Windenburg and met Jeb in Evergreen, after he stopped there instead of going to the capital city like he initially planned. But, despite Wolfie calling it a “no-string attached fling between friends”, he was with Mal first (after an ill-advised one-night stand with Al which is the root of said fling with Mal, and his departure for Windenburg); that’s when Mal realized that he was in love with not only Al (as was Wolfie), but with Wolfie too. What a mess! So, Jeb and Wolfie were happy together when Al contacted him to invite him to his wedding to Kiyoshi. Both went to Henford for the occasion, Wolfie apprehensive to see the person he used to be in love with, but relieved to know that he wouldn’t see Mal, who wouldn’t be there, as his daughter was bound to be born around the same date as the wedding. Of course, things didn’t turn out as expected, and Al got nearly murdered by his jealous fiancé (who saw Wolfie among the guests and immediately flipped) and ended up in a coma. So, Wolfie and Jeb stayed in Henford for longer than planned, with Wolfie spending most of his time in the hospital, Jeb by his side. That’s where he was reunited with Mal. Jeb, who has always been a very perceptive person, saw immediately that there was some unresolved tension between the two friends, and understood that Wolfie wouldn’t come back to Windenburg, even if he would convince himself that it was to help Al during his recovery, and not because he was harbouring some deep feelings for Mal. So Jeb just told him to stay in Henford, and not deprive himself of being happy with Mal. Of course, Wolfie tried to do just that, but after a few weeks, and several calls to Jeb, he and Mal got back together (now with the addition of a little baby girl, Joy). Wolfie and Jeb never stopped being friends, and not once Jeb show any jealousy or bitterness regarding his ex-boyfriend’s relationship (he really was glad that Wolfie found happiness with Mal; that’s how good a man, Jeb is). Fast-forward a couple years, and Jeb is about to publish his first novel, and he asks Wolfie to design the cover. They met in Wolfie’s studio some time later, for Wolfie to show what he had done, and… they kissed. Of course, Wolfie was a mess and immediately confessed to Mal. So, Wolfie got back with Jeb too. It's not until a few more years have passed that Al joined the polycule. It took multiple confessions on both Wolfie and Mal's sides to get to him (he did love them then, but he was scared, which is quite understandable after what happened with his former relationship). It was Wolfie who first managed to get through to him, and while Mal was a bit down that Al was apparently still not interested in him, he accepted that Wolfie started a relationship with Al; after a few days, Al went to Mal, asking why he was so distant with him, weren't they supposed to be together now? Apparently, Mal missed the memo that Al wanted/loved both him and Wolfie (what an idiot!). And now, everyone is in a happy relationship with the person(s) they love.

Al + Jeb: Despite Al being the latest to officially join the little family, he’s the one after Wolfie (of course) that Jeb is the closest with. Since both of them have a traumatic past (Al, being the victim of domestic violence and attempted murder; Jeb… maybe I’ll talk about it some other time), they understand each other rather well, while Mal and Wolfie can only empathize to a certain degree. When Al has one of his worst days, Jeb is usually the one who gets him to talk, though he never forces him to. They are good friends with a few common interests, especially botany, and spend most of their time together taking care of plants; they also dance together from time to time.

Al + Mal: Mal is very protective of Al (he is with Wolfie too, but not to the same level). He also tends to let Al do whatever he wants, and can’t refuse him anything (even if he knows that it’s bad for Al: like telling him where Wolfie hid the alcohol). Though very loving, their relationship tends to revolve a lot around physicality, especially sex, more than anything.

Al + Wolfie: Wolfie’s the one who managed to get Al to finally accept that yes, people can love him and not want to hurt him, and yes, Wolfie and Mal are such people. Wolfie has always been Al’s best friend (other than Tabitha – just like Al is Wolfie's best friend as much as Morgan is), and they share a very special bond, partially due to their shared experience as non-binary people. After Al broke their friendship (or tried to, as only communication was really broken; both were still thinking of each other as best friends) back in Uni, and Wolfie left the country for Windenburg, most would have thought that they wouldn’t be able to have the same relationship, would they ever be reunited, but on the contrary, when Wolfie came back (and after Al emerged from his coma) they immediately went back to being joined at the hip, despite Al trying to isolate himself. Their relationship with each other is one of absolute trust and tenderness, but also a lot of (misplaced) guilt on Wolfie’s part, who feels that it’s his fault if Al was abused for years, since he was who rejected Al when they were fifteen, claiming that he wasn’t queer (he was still in denial of who he was at the time), allowing Kiyoshi to get to Al. Of course, Al keeps repeating to him that he is not to blame, and, little by little, Wolfie’s starting to believe him.

Jeb + Mal: They are polar opposites, and if not for Wolfie, they would never interact. It’s not that they don’t like or respect each other, it’s just that they have nothing in common. Plus, Jeb is very ill-at-ease with Mal’s chosen career as an OnlySims model and general attitude regarding nudity and provocative apparel (some might say that to some level, Al and Wolfie are worse than him when it comes to showing some skin, but somehow, it doesn’t seem as provocative/sexually-charged as when it’s Mal, so it doesn’t irk him as much), given his own repulsion toward anything sexual.

Jeb + Wolfie: Puppy love! Those two are the cutest when together, probably because their love is more intellectual than anything, with nothing more physical than cuddles, hugs, and a few chaste kisses here and there. For Wolfie, Jeb is a breath of fresh air; the lover that doesn’t expect anything physical from him (not that Mal or Al would ever ask him to do anything he doesn’t want; it’s just that sex is not a priority for him in a relationship).

Mal + Wolfie: Mal and Wolfie never imagined they would ever be together; they always thought they'd be great friends, and if one of them was lucky enough, he would end up with Al. But it seems that Fate has other plans for those two. And those plans involved a little girl that Wolfie helped raise from birth and involuntarily caused her father to propose to her Vatti. Yes, Mal and Wolfie are engaged to be married. And yes, both Jeb and Al are OK with that (weeeeell, Al has a debilitating phobia of anything wedding-related, so he's not really OK with the wedding part, but he's OK with them being married, if that makes sense?). The proposal (and answer) was kinda spur of the moment, but they talked about it with Jeb (they weren't with Al yet when it happened) later, telling him that if he was opposed to it, they would not do it, but of course, Jeb was OK with it, especially after Mal explained to him what prompted him to ask in the first place. Mal and Wolfie relationship is one of devotion and absolute adoration, which verges on worship on Mal's side. Mal is also the only person who Wolfie accepts (and believes) compliments from (not even Mila can claim that) for some reason.

So. Yeah, here it is, my rambling sorta explanation of the relationship between my boys. Not sure that I make much sense, but I'm still suffering from debilitating pain from facial neuralgia, so my brain is a mess (even more than ordinary). Anyway, I'm happy to answer any questions, if you have any.

[rigelmejo]

I was browsing novelupdates.com's novel translation request area. Debating if I could pick one up. (But frankly I don't think I could reliably finish any over 25 chapters right now so I'm not sure if there's a way to search by length of the requested novel).

But its also like. See some people would like Any translator to pick up something they'd really like to read or are already reading with machine translate but desperately want a better option as mtl is riddled with mistakes and sometimes bad errors changing full on story meaning. But some would really like a Better translation than existing, or a very high quality one. (Examples of the difference: Rainbowse7en did an initial most-of translation of Guardian... an extreme example because they cut several scenes/paragraphs, summarized many lines so not word-for-word inclusive translation of all parts, but they did translate Fast and provide a more readable detail correct translation than mtl. Versus the multiple fans later that collaborated to word by word translate Guardian, who could check each others work and took a bit longer. Or yukas initial translation that I could tell was doing full detail for each word translation. Or DMBJs original published english book translations - certain choices made, full paragraphs and pages cut from the english. Versus merebeartranslates version and much more work kept to keep details as accurate as possible/all kept in). Now Id keep all words/details cause i HATE the idea of cutting anything i think its awful - unless ur goal is truly just a summary to explain what happened (hence i kind of get rainbowse7ens reason to release a book Main Parts plot asap, but i hate an official paid company doing it cause they had no reason to cut content). So id keep all details. But im not confident on word choice translation being close to perfect. I can do better than mtl, by far, but i think a much better translator (any frankly whos had practice, chichi, edanglars, rynnsuika etc) would do a much better job. So like. When people do ask for a translation im like what level quality would they find acceptable? Would they want an amateur?

I remember Poyun needed translation a long while back (i think someones picked it up hopefully though), and i never wanted to try even tho i was reading it in chinese cause i didnt think id do any better than the "im only translating this hoping a better group will get intetest and pick it up" person who started the translation. I dunno. Maybe they wanted anyone to pick it up. Maybr i overthought who knows. Then like. I ran into dage by priest recently. Has 2 translations, 1 i emailed about, 1 linked on novelupdates as existing but i cant find it at all. And so i have no idea how much is translated. But im reading it slowly in chinese so im like? If i translate any for myself, is it something someones translated well in english already? Does it not exist in english at all? Would my translated bits be worth sharing or would another translation come out better and idk idk whays wanted. Idk im just musing to myself...