#it's mostly because of gender stuff
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What happened brutha'? Why you feelin' down?
I just got too into my own head. Thinkin about my worth and place in the world, it made me spiral. All I want in life to feel loved, to be wanted...
I'm so unbelievably lonely :)
(bigass vent in the tags, sorry)
#i know i have all my wonderful friends here online#and i love all of you dearly#but i can't exactly hold your hand#ya know?#I'm just so tired of being alone#but I'm also scared of being hurt again#or used#or abandoned#oh and not to mention all the fucking body image issues I've been having lately#it's mostly because of gender stuff#but i keep having terrible dreams about my weight#and I'm not all that insecure about my weight#it's just#this fat is on an afab body. it sits different#my silhouette is different#the world's image of me is cruel#and lately it's been really getting to me#I've had many a nights where i lay in bed crying#mourning a life i will never live#mourning a childhood I never got to have#i wish i was born a boy#why couldn't I have been born a boy?#why does everything hurt so much#vent#anyways. I'm going to bed.#goodnight! :)
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I won at buying doujinshi today
So cute explodes
#yeah ill scan this. its only like the second half tho. and i dont remember the first half lol#i opened my package around 8 am then went back to sleep. its mostly a blur#distracted by testament being mentally ill and so cutesy pie#there isnt a ton of testament in the other stuff i got but there is an interesting gender moment from 1999#kind of changing my perception of when daisuke started really thinking about their gender.#because it is presumably a reference to that one transcending humanity daisuke quote. its so interesting.#best source we have is from march 2002 but ive seen it mentioned october 2001. and well. december 1999 now. crazy#i cant use doujinshi as a source though. few credibility steps below a 2ch post. which is already pretty rough.#but theres other evidence and also they are literally nonbinary now like its plausible we dont have to think too hard abt it its okay pleas#ive spent too much time thinking too hard about it.#the kat goes meow#gg
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no major fic updates just yet guys TAKE MY WOY OC I MADE LIKE. April of last year IM PLUGGING SOME INFO ABOUT THIS GUY IN THE TAGS.
I may also redesign her soon or something. Make her more bug-like with some stuff. I can cook guys let me cook !!!
#THIS IS VAL !!!! dubbed her as a he/she er..#I have lore about this guy and his homeplanet Amore and the Lovebugs..#all that’s really important to know is that ive based the worldbuilding for Amore around svtfoe’s mewni#design wise mostly. I’ll emphasize.#in terms of the societal parts of Amore the kingdom kinda flourishes in the arts of all sorts and trade within the kingdom it goes crazay…#they were pretty closed off from the rest of the galaxy though. like their tech and stuff is pretty outdated compared to most of the other-#planets with atleast escape ships and all that fun stuff.#foreshadowing#ANYHOW lovebugs are silly guys I think of them as like weird hedonistic freaks of sorts#they have very big dionysus worshipping energy to them just to give a perspective#and of course they prioritized relationships and the different forms of love#romance actually wasn’t even the big thing that built the kingdom#it was more like a love for community and friends#which is also kinda silly because of the monarchy aspect to Amore and all that#OH ALSO these guys go absolutely crazy with fashion and makeup. gender isn’t a major thing in the kingdom in my eyes#you WILL serve cunt!! /silly#WORLDBUILDING ASIDEEE Val was the prince to the kingdom and was set to be the heir to the throne#the designs are like three different route ideas ive had for Val#the first is just a baseline design so like. pre amore‘s destruction from dominator#the second is like a good ending design of sorts to my ideal lineup for a season three for woy with val continuing to embrace the lovebugs-#history and culture even with Amore gone and a good portion of her people#and the third. is a bit hard to describe because it’s more of an au but it’s just a concept idea I had of Val teaming up with Dom#(it would be short lived like probably a few months max so dw)#and silly note i joked about the idea of val being an ex to peepers BUT I WANNA DEVELOP THAT MORE BEFORE I SHARE.#tap into that this may be cringe but i am free mindset or something slash silly TEEHEE#BUT YEAH Val’s just a silly gal in my heart and soul no matter what. ive missed her a lot i wanna work on fics with him and especially to-#develop more stuff for Amore and the Lovebugs before Dominator’s destruction of the planet#BUT YEAH i wanna Val post more. go into depth for their dynamic with the other characters and all that#I may cook some more stuff with him once I get these stargazing fics all set and whatnot SO WE’LL SEE!#also /nf but if anyone would wanna ask questions about val/amore/lovebugs ask away I’d love to answer any questions! 🥺
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shoutout to people with dads who are part of Gen X who introduced them to the best music of their generation when their dads were kids in the 70s-80s (it's me i'm people) (i love my dad <3)
#also shoutout to my 80s mum who has the best taste in metal and rock ever <3#for fun here's a list of artists my dad introduced me to when i was young: queen. the beatles. electric light orchestra. the monkees. acdc.#-jeff wayne and his orchestra. led zepplin. pink floyd. toto. billy joel. europe. guns n roses. weird al. abba. beegees. tom jones.-#-david bowie. michael jackson. king crimson. roar.#my parents have such good music taste#also i love how my dad is mostly 70s 80s rock and stuff and then my mum is just like full on rob zombie#my music taste has basically been inherited from 3 places and 3 places only: my mum my dad and the internet#also fun fact: according to my dad i used to fall asleep to acdc when i was a small child#it was the song ''she's got the jack'' specifically#progressive rock makes me really relaxed to. i have probably been lulled to sleep by pink floyd many times as a tiny child#dude started my music taste young#my dad liking prog rock is probably the reason i like bands like yes and tangerine dream now#also 70s rock is just so. gender?????#maybe the reason 70s-80s music gives me so much gender euphoria is because it reminds me of my dad#anyway yeah shoutout to 70s-80s music#ALSO shoutout to the movies tommy and hairspray and little shop of horrors because my parents showed me them too!!#i really grew up as an 80s-90s kid with 70s music tastes living in the mid 2000s lmao
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Hiya! I hope you're doing well today! I love your characters and how you've structered their bios! Since Chuusday is listed first, is she technically your official WOL or is it someone else? Do you canonically have a WOL in the first place?
Also, I find it SO sweet that you and one of your partners both play FFXIV and have characters paired together ;w; Did you meet ingame or long before either of you started playing? Either way I wish you both the best!!! <3 - gardenofballads 🌻
Awaaaah! Im doing pretty ok!!! Taking time to answer this as a wind down from Emerald Weapon Ex Brain Soupage. And I’m so glad! ;W; I think I butchered one of those “Get To Know An OC” thingies- uhh… oh [this one] actually! I chopped a lot out and I think added a couple different thingums instead because there was so much to that that it felt overwhelming to try to look at let alone fill out LOL but it was a really good jumping off point uvu;
And!!! Hilariously Chuu was my First XIV Character, so she’s dear to my heart for being the first one- but she very quickly made it known being the WOL even as an AU was something of a Joke (Her character showed great reluctance and even frustration at having to do So Much World Saving, maybe a side-effect of me rushing through MSQ to catch up with my other spouse [Who plays Talia, though they’ve got less time for XIV these days ;0;] and the rest of my friends who were all EndGame already at the time in Shadowbringers fhdjfjsjfs.) So I made…… many alts. Throwing spaghetti at the wall but I have SEVERE side-character/NPC brain and kept making “supporting cast” types =w=; it actually took me like. 3? Alts before making an ACTUAL WoL with my husband (Ishi’li and Kizuna) (as of Right Meow, they’re in post ARR, but we’ve been working on Keathan and Tuesday together because Keathan was… Keathan’s first character in xiv XD so we’ve been jaunting through the story together and experiencing every inch of it so we can pick and choose what The Boys™ get up to when we wanna focus on them x3)
🥰 I knew both speece during at least high school- but I actually knew Keathan as early as Elementary school hehe 😌 tho the speece didn’t proper marry until… i’unno, 2017? (For frustrating legal reasons, I’m not legally married, but. As it goes. Someday we’ll have money to visit the one state that has legal poly marriages. Also I struggle to remember our wedding year 🫢)
Since managing to make a Co-WoL with my husband I’ve managed to make one other Alt meant to be a Solo-WoL (Mochiie) but I have to really wrinkle my brain to sink time into playing him, since I’m trying to take screenshots throughout the story at what I find to be inspiring beats xD And even still he has an alt-universe where he’s just a side-character for the ‘Main Timeline’ (where there’s a bunch of spaghetti and like 8+ confirmed WoL’s and the Msq entourage looks HILARIOUS in canon, someday I’ll get all the data together and take pictures, but I think it’ll cook what’s left of my brain x’3) [it’s less concrete than anything I’ve posted about before or I’d try to explain it ;v;’ it’s just interesting mostly to see how the story gets stretched to fit around a larger community of heroes than a solo guy shouldering the whole burden lmfao.]
🌸🌸🌸…. I also hope you’re having a lovely week @gardenofballads !!!! I am tossing flower petals into the air around you !!! Thank you for the ask and well wishes n kind words 🥺💖 🌸🌸🌸
#ask game#day-2-day#I have serious Alt Disease as well which doesn’t help much XD#tho I try to justify it by making them a variety of races/genders/classes so I’m not just making 15 similar guys in different color palettes#like some kinda smash game…. LMFAO.#it helps some tho cos they get to flesh out and add meat color and history to The Boys+Co’s adventures/histories/stories uvu like Lev….)#Solkmyna and Swydghem who are true NPC alts of mine are even slotted into post ShB…#🫢 but they’re mostly just fun for me to occasionally chew on like a squeaky toy#tangy is schroedingers WoL. both is and Isn’t. could be The WoL if the au called for it but also works perfectly as just a Scion instead#…. wordy tags… my bad… ANYWAYS FR HOPE YOUR DAY/NIGHT IS NICE AND PLEASANT#I gotta stare blankly at the ceiling now while trying to retain mechanics but not pressed against the display glass of my brain#🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺💖‼️#spawn speece#also yes there is something deeply strange wired in my brain where I link to sources but not super consistently like some kinda bad wiki pag#if I had stuff for Keathan + Kizuna to link to tbh I’d link to it here too LOL.#when I get ahold of Talia and Setsuna I’ll probably make little reference posts- not really Bio’s cos they’re not my blorbs#they’re my partners blorbs; but it might be handy to have a frame of reference to point at beyond vague name dropping#actually I love linking to names because my memory is just so piss poor. why not just make it easier for everyone else also#I know I have 185756328 OC’s xbdnfjdnfsnfjs so.#I have to do this for one of my friends uvu; bad memory havers rise up
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I haven’t been insane about Vi enough lately so time to pour out some random thoughts. free association thinking time:
been thinking about her “It's my savings. I wanna be rich, okay? So I can travel, eat well, buy cool stuff… So no one can say I can't do something!” And none of the following will really be insightful or revelatory because it’s just what she says here but. yeah! that’s vi! the main reason she’s so big on money is because she has to be to get what she wants out of life! it’s what lets her say no to people telling her what to do, and that’s important to her because she has no choice but to be independent and support herself. because no one else will. No one at the Hive had anything positive or supportive to say about her being an explorer until she went out and did it (to a ridiculously successful degree, too. I have to wonder if/how it might’ve differed if she was on a regular accomplishment level team. not the one leading them all to the mission to the Hive). she never had a choice not to be. I could also see that being a little part of why she starts out not really being a teamwork person. past experiences have taught her she can’t rely on anyone else for support. (does make me wonder about what if she’d met Chubee before leaving the Hive. obviously she still would’ve left, but how might even a bit of support have changed other things?)
I feel like we don’t talk about the fact that The Beemerang Is Also Knives enough
ok so at one point there was this post talking about people with money and how it affects their life like. if you can afford to get a nanny then you can only do the fun parts of childcare and when you stop feeling like taking care of the kid you can just hand them to someone else to take them away. and again likely not especially revelatory but I would guess that’s the kind of way queen bianca handled the bees as her daughters (she does care about them. absolutely. but not in the same hands-on attached way as we usually associate with parents) and thinking about how that kind of treatment would then apply to vi....hm
in universes where discussions of Gender and Pronouns etc happen I think she has moments where she gets frustrated with the everything of Being Referred To and Having Complicated Identity She Hasn’t Quite Figured Yet and is like. gender is cancelled how dare you refer to me. but especially anyone else calls me a girl ever i will be stabbing them
also I think a lot about what circumstances she finds out about gayness/Gender being things. and whether she’s thought about it in herself before and whether she’d been dismissed on it/told it wasn’t a thing etc. most circumstances she ends up angry about the finding out times because of (un)consicious internal conflict stuff
underground tavern stuff implies she was definitely doing quests and stuff for money with them precanon. would kill to know what specifically it was. but also the first talk with utter implies that she was doing stuff off that questboard as well which is even more intriguing. utter’s spy also implies you don’t have to be an explorer to do them but otherwise you would think you did I feel. so again very curious what was up there
#inspired by that girl blorbos post and also me trying to think about where in the game they drop facts and such about precanon stuff w her#the urge to try and fic about the stuff between her leaving the hive and showing up at the association....strong again#'the hive didn't do anything' my ass. vi might have also been a jerk but it's just that she was the more obvious#easily labeled incident version of it. she was active while her treatment was the subtle passive neglect type of bad treatment#complex situation and also. yeah#an aquila original#vi bug fables#bug fables#also featuring funky gender lesbian stuff because thats not even headcanon. to me#hopefully the reasoning out stuff doesn't just come out like a load of nonsense#vi's one of those characters where I definitely feel comfortable in writing her on a basic level but some parts I'm super insecure about#and the part with her is in really capturing the complexities of her backstory and family issues#and the thing is it's like. I have to remind myself that some parts of how canon did her on that are actually decent#and I should pay attention to those complexities. but then also canon definitely did some of their 'this hasn't really been earned'#resolution stuff on her. mostly thinking about the postcanon dialogue with Bianca. it's jsut too much of a jump for that for me#and it's not even that I necessarily think bianca's dialogue is out of character. it's that I'm contemplating whether it would've#made more sense for vi to get angry about it. like.#ok so. sometimes i think about what coming out to my family might be like. and I've come to the conclusion that if they were just accepting#despite the fact that it would be best case scenario I'd be angry about it. because they've said some shitty stuff in the past. in general#they've made me feel unsafe about myself. so no actually you don't get to just suddenly be chill about it now fuck you.#it doesn't change the past hurts#and I could see Vi being like that too. even if part of her is happy about getting what she wanted to start with she's pissed about#only getting it now. with a side helping of also wondering if the approval /now/ is only because she's been so successful about it#what if she hadn't been so specially favored by elizant? what if she hadn't been on the team that saved the world? why did she (maybe) have#to earn the approval she should've had from the start?#also not gonna get into this one right now but tweaking her story with jaune to acknowledge that theyre both at fault in different ways#(again). would be nice#but now I'm definitely veering into repeating myself type rambling territory so
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They need to pay the fucking actors so we can get the Oscars going for next year so that "I'm Just Ken" can get nominated for best song so that Ryan Gosling can perform it live at the show.
#text post#sorry I really liked the Barbie movie#Mostly because it was like..... a movie#like a real one#We haven't had a MOVIE in what feels like years#Also I cannot remember the last time we had a comedy film that was JUST a comedy#and not like... a Marvel movie with quips in it#I know a lot can be said about this movie regarding what it says about feminism and gender#and that stuff is cool#but as a film-nut there is just SO MUCH to this movie just as a FILM#and I think a lot of what makes it a genuinely well made film that will probably get remembered isn't talked about a lot
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I just want to be a guy that looks suspiciously like a girl while dressed like a man but happens to have boobs and the face of a boy but they don't call me "girl" they call me "miss" or "boy" or "mister" like is that too much to ask
#gender stuff#mostly how i want to be perceived because how i feel about gemder is idc about gender#anyway i just don't like how people expect me to be ladylike and femme and whatever when i don't want to#and whenever they mistake me for a man or call me boy and such i feel so good#without meaning i don't feel like a woman either you know#maybe i just want to be a twink i dunno
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Worked on a ref for my fursona 🎉
#her name is diane and she's actually more like. my sona in general?#it's just. okay so diane is if i need a sona for stuff#and she has different aspects of her in different universes and different species and such#so my fursona is the furry version of her. if that makes sense#i also have an mlp pony version i made as a joke with a friend floating around#i could make a tiefling version of her because that's my usual pick for a dnd race#etc etc you get it i think#i need to find her a masc name for when she's a guy#for gender exploration purposes on my end but also because i like having options#anyway so she's a pigeon and i'm pretty happy with a drawing#hopefully i'll finish it soon and i can show people#i think she's cool. personally. zero bias here :)#i guess diane as a persona is kind of like. the same vibe as meredith?#meredith is an oc so she's not Me but she's... who i want to be. i want to be like her but better#meredith is who i'm trying to be even cooler than when i hit my 50s (in a looonnng time)#diane is more like who i hope i will be like in a few years#maybe i'll make it so she's always a few years ahead of me. the cool future me i can be#meredith is a character i want to be like because i like her#diane is a character i'm making up to hype myself up about my own future. she's me mostly#diane is achievable. meredith is a 52yo vampire who makes potions.#wow i have a ramble tag now
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maybe this is a hot take but i think that characters in stories should be analyzed as what they are (for example, cisgender or heterosexual) before you divorce them from that with headcanon. even just to acknowledge the creator's intent with the character & immediately toss it aside.
i love headcanoning and i LOVE making shit up as much as the next tumblr user but i think that there are Things to be gained when you analyze why the creator/author/director/whatever made them like that in the first place. afterwards you can do whatever you want who cares, transgenderification beam
#this IS mostly about headcanoning characters as lgbtq#though take it with a grain of salt because sometimes characters are cishet because their creators are disgusting people so! shrug#this applies to many cr characters for me. fjord & beau in particular#i see the story that travis + marisha were telling about male/female gender roles & stuff. its great. but i like to make it transgender ^_^#ramblings
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Apparently my mom shares trans memes on her facebook, which is… cool I guess? But she also still posts old pictures of me all the time
#mine#i’ve even talked to her about this and she got really upset and said she spent hours going through all her old photos of me#and only keeping ones where i looked ‘masculine’#but. they’re absolutely not.#and i mean i’m glad my parents are supportive enough that this is the shit that pisses me off but i’ll be damned if it doesn’t piss me#the fuck off#well ok worse than this is what my dad does#which is basically to only acknowledge it when i’m about to make a big change and he sends me a text#saying ‘hmm i guess you’ve wanted this for a long time huh :(‘#and also still not gendering me ever even though it’s been almost 4 years#like ok he’s not misgendering me but he awkwardly interrupts his sentences to rephrase them to avoid using pronouns#or if he gets really stuck he uses they/them which also pisses me off#it’s this shit and a thing that happened over 2 years ago (!!) at this point that make me feel like i don’t fucking pass ever#and everyone only ever genders me correctly to be nice or patronizing#i still get shocked when strangers gender me correctly (which is basically 100% of the time for the past 3 years)#but that’s really mostly because of the thing that happened 2 years ago#it literally makes me feel so deeply sick when i think about it like i genuinely feel ill#i still have nightmares about it lol#um. i realize i’m being vague but it wasn’t anything actually bad. just some stuff a friend said to me#and then said again and then continued to make it worse by saying more stuff#anyway that’s enough for now#hey if you just clicked ‘see more’ on the tags and saw this huge wall of text don’t bother reading it k
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#i had hoped this feeling would go away when i went to sleep yesterday#it didnt#i feel horrible#and pathetic#and unsignificant#i understand that you guys owe me nothing#the it is a privilege you even see and interact with my stuff at all#so i should be grateful#yet i cannot help but feel hurt#mostly because the lack of interest mirrors what my gender dysphoria and overall bad self image is telling me rn#my art doesnt matter#so i dont matter#my art is ugly and insignificant#because i am ugly and insignificant#nobody cares about me only what i can provide#and sometimes not even that#this weekend was my most productive in weeks#i actually felt motivated to create create create#but i guess i was too eager#because i feel drained#still i want to draw but i dont know if i feel like it is worth it#singing is prob no good either#i cannot give people a good time there either when my voice is failing me#so what good am i if i cant draw or cant sing#am i worth more than what i can give to people?#part of me says no#and that part is loud rn#what i can give is not good enough anymore#micahs thoughts
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When your mom says she has to go through your phone but you have a lot of stuff there questioning your gender, talking shit about her, like a gazillion art references, random memes saves, NSFW art refs, audio of you ranting to the Void, audio of you practicing terrible voice acting, thirsting over fictional characters, documents full of suicidal ideation, honestly so much shit that I'm not sharing here:
#dont go through your kids phone most of the time its escapism and privacy lol#read the tags#most of the stuff im not worried about because whats she really gonna do? i need my phone to do my job#and i dont give a shit about what she thinks because shes not on the list of people who i want to like me#but im mostly worried about the gender stuff since i dont feel like having emotional convos with her about that#and while shes not outwardly transphohic she has some stupid beliefs#like she refuses to call a trans boy st my school he/they pronouns because “she dresses like a girl”#and she kind of fetishizes lgbt people? Like#most of my friends are lgbt and anytime i bring them up she refers to them as the gay friend or the trans friend#and it feels kinda weird to slways refer to them like that#THEY HAVE NAMES MOM AND IVE TOLD YOU THEIR NAMES#and i dont want her to fetishize me or suddenly put me in a box because she doesnt understand the gender spectrum other than boy and girl#moms#parents#parent stories#tags
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Rambling post
#kinda want to change my pronouns at least here to she/they#i know it's mostly used for non-binary people and I'm not nonbinary but for some reason#but with asking for pronouns and stuff being more common#it really makes me feel weird having to affirm that i identify as a girl because#because that part of me means not very much to me#like it is and sure i look like a girl was assigned at birth as a girl#funnily they didn't know what gender i was for a while lmao#because my sister's position in the womb pregented them from being able to easily tell lmao#but like when people use exclusively female pronouns for me online it makes me feel so weird#and sometimes it's nice too when people refer to me with more masculine nouns too really depends#sorry for rambling#when i get tagged in posts like#oh councilofbeetroot is a blog she does content with eastern europe#it's like that reminder of gender makes me feel weird#fuck writing feliks makes you really question your gender identity sometime#fuck
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i think there is a common transphobic argument that's like "oh just be gnc" that falls apart when you realize there are trans people who absolutely have physical dysphoria but are mostly fine with their agab gender role and stuff
#don't get me wrong. this isn't abt trans ppl with no dysphoria and isn't abt reinforcing gender roles#but it's abt my experience as a person who grew up mostly ok with being called a girl! and i was never hyperfeminine but still#i had no complaints abt dressing up and roleplaying as a girl as long as i got to hold on to a male identity and appearance#it changed after puberty because that was when i realized that it wasn't dress up it was my actual physical body which was hell#which meant that something needed to change! but i didnt want it to be my gender role it needed to be my physical body#so i changed that and left the other stuff alone (well as much as i can without people giving me weird looks)#(which is its own problem)#thats why being gnc doesnt work for everyone bc there are cases of being gnc#but in the opposite direction#feminine transmascs and masculine transfems and others
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pinterest tag game!
rules: go on pinterest and share the first celeb, outfit, quote + aesthetic that appears on your dash
was tagged by @gwynbleidd like 80 years ago, thank u jackie ♥ tagging whoever feels like doing this if u see this consider yourself tagged!
#tag games#i was scrolling for Ages until i found anything resembling an outfit so it is what it is#same for aesthetic actually lol. pretty sure thats another robert pattinson batman image#listen. my pinterest is mostly memes and not much Aesthetic stuff these days lmao#and quite a lot of robert pattinson as batman because he is very gender and we've been talking about the movie a lot with my friend 😔
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