#it's midnight and my sleeping pill's kicking in

[animezinglife]

I think Elain and Azriel are different in ways that matter long-term, just as I think she and Lucien are similar in ways that matter long-term.

Azriel would absolutely be an upgrade from Graysen (and I do mean this as a compliment to Az even though it's objectively not saying much), but I do think where he and Elain are incompatible would start to wear on them both over time. They're different on a fundamental level whereas she and Lucien are not.

I can see Az being too much for Elain not in the sense she'd ever have need or reason to fear him or that he wouldn't be sweet to her, but simply in how differently his mind and values have been forged.

How differently he acts and reacts.

I think they could have a good relationship while it lasted, but I don't think it would last. If it did, I could see it lasting only out of habit and comfort zones--stagnation and unwillingness to change or take risks.

I think Azriel would eventually tire her, and that it would become grating and stagnant given she would always feel that pull towards Lucien whether she wanted it or not. Unless, of course, it somehow was severed completely.

With Lucien, there's a fundamental similarity in values and temperaments. Lucien may have a bit of a mouth on him at times, but he's gentle. He's kind, witty, snarky, and warm. He can be a little wild, but generally has some of the best self-control in the series when it comes to not allowing himself to be goaded into an action that will cost him.

I think the blood dual line embodies that perfectly. Even if Elain hated Lucien (which she doesn't), she would never wish for him to be harmed or for him and Azriel to fight.

Azriel likes competition. Thrives in it. He likes his space and quiet, even though he can do both. It would wear Elain out, and I think between his nature and demands his role requires, Elain would start to feel neglected (attention-wise) over time. While I fully believe everyone underestimates her fortitude and what she's willing to accept among people, I believe Az's brutal profession would start to wear on her.

Elain was social as as human. She liked her parties, and she had friends. She wants both simplicity and the chance to do something greater; to test the waters and see who she can become. While both Az and Lucien believe she's capable of it, I can see her flourishing and thriving far more with Lucien.

With someone who can both utilize and weaponize relationships and connections through people and words.

Whereas Azriel is very much established in his life. His life and choices could change, of course, but old habits die hard and it's difficult to imagine leaving his spying and warrior upbringing behind.

Hypothetically, it's in all these ways where someone like Gwyn would be a better fit for him. Gwyn is a warrior herself. She's sharp and resourceful and thrives in environments where she can push herself to the limits and beyond them physically and mentally. She brings her own light into a room in a way similar to Elain, but Gwyn's is less of a warm sun's glow and more like a firecracker. She too likes her quiet; is used to working in the dark and quiet and settling her own mind in those moments.

Azriel also wants a mate. While it wasn't Elain's choice to be mated, it's worth noting that fact isn't anyone's choice in this series. Even if we look at a couple like Viviane and Kallias who arguably had the most convenient and comfortable bond scenario (in which they were already in love with each other, had decided to spend their lives together, and were newlyweds when it snapped), they still didn't necessarily have a choice in the bond itself.

Even if Elain and Azriel pursued each other, Elain's bond has snapped with someone else. As of right now, we can only assume Azriel has never had that (and I think his actions and internal conflicts support the idea).

If Azriel did end up having a bond snap into place, it wouldn't be with Elain.

It would be with someone else, and I wouldn't wish that on either one of them. They both deserve better (and Lucien does, too).

I want to see them all experience the highest form of love in their world and for that love to thrive.

Azriel would never intentionally hurt Elain, but he's often blinded by his own nature and ambitions where Lucien is not.

Azriel reacts. It's his method of survival and getting a job done.

Lucien considers. That's his method of survival and getting a job done.

Neither are this way all the time--Az can be silent and menacing, and Lucien can run his mouth and get himself into trouble.

But the differences in those tendencies matter.

At the end of the day, though, it will be Elain's choice, but value and temperament alignment are always worth considering.

Lucien wouldn’t even call a blood duel and if Azriel somehow called it I am 100% sure he would not participate. He abhors violence. He did not kill Graysen, the man who disrespected his MATE. He did not seek revenge for Jesminda’s death even though I know he wants to. He would not participate in it, tradition be damned.

But Azriel would.

Even if it hurts Elain. Even if it scars her. Even if losing her mate potentially messes her up. And we know that because of his eager response to Rhys. We know that because he liked the idea of Lucien killing Greysen even when Elain asked to spare him. He did not care. But Lucien understands this, Lucien understands Elain and their morals align.

That’s the whole point.

[isa-loves-you]

♡Michael Schmidt has a crush♡

You were a sophomore in college, even though you live in an apartment off campus you still visited your mom almost everyday to check on her and to eat.

One night while you were visiting your mom she brought up the people who lived a couple of houses down "the young man knocked on my door this morning, asking if I would or If i knew someone who can babysit his sister at night". The reason why she brought this up is because you were looking for a job, with being a college student you needed the money and nights were perfect since you only have three classes a week. "He's a cutie, he would be perfect for you" you mom called out as she walked into the other room "cute doesn't matter I just need a job".

It's been almost a month since you started watching abby. She was the best kid you have ever babysat for, and she loved you which made your job so much easier.

"Hey y/n, can I ask you a question" "what is it abs" you stopped coloring to look at her. "Will you marry Mike, so you can live here and I can see you everyday"

You were a bit taken back by the question, how did she know that you liked mike?. "I'm really flattered that you want to see me everyday, but I don't think your brother likes me like that" you flashed her a smile to ease the tension but she just shrugged her shoulders and went back to drawing.

Ever since you started watching abby you found yourself infatuated with Mike. He wasn't a very open person but for some reason mike would open up to you, your mom was right he was a cutie.

It was almost midnight until you heard keys jingle and the front door unlock. Mike threw his keys on the small table by the door before looking for you. "Hey I made peanut butter stir fry, do you want me to make you a plate" you asked while already making a B-line to the kitchen."oh no it's okay, I can get it myself you already do almost everything here" you turned to Mike grabbing his arm and pulling him to the table "oh please making a plate is not going to hurt me, now please sit down".

Mike sat down and watched you shuffle around the kitchen to make him some to eat. Mike would never admit to himself but he liked having you around, he loved that abby adored you, sometimes he thimks she likes you more than him. He really wouldn't know what he would do without you, you now became his reason to get up everyday, too look nice, and too be happy.

After mike ate he walked you to your car while talking to you "I get my paycheck tomorrow so would it be okay if you stopped by after class to pick it up?" "Yeah no problem I'll stop by around 6". You stod there justing looking into his eyes, even though Michael's face told a story of a hard life, his eyes showed compassion. You would be a fool to not fall in love with him.

Once you left, Mike got ready for bed. He took the pills he always takes, replayed the tape he always plays, and looked at the Nebraska poster he always falls asleep looking at, but something was different. You were the only thing he could think about before the sleeping pills kicked in.

His dream started out like it always does, his mom spills her coke and tells him to keep track of Garrett. As soon as he sees Garrett in the back of a strangers Cadillac he takes Chace after it. No matter how hard he runs, he can never catche up with the mysterious car.

Mike stops to put his hands on his knees and catches his breath. Giggling. He hears Giggling.

Mike looks back up to now see a field of grass. This wasn't his dream, this is different from his normal nightmares. There in the field stood a happy abby, laughing holding hands with a happier y/n. Mike feels his heart pick up speed.

"Mike!" Abby ran towards her big brother with open arms. Mike catches his sister while y/n walked twords the two of them. He flashes a smile in y/n's direction "I've missed you mike", you kiss his cheak and hug the siblings tight . If he didn't known that this was a dream he would have thought that he died and went to heaven.

"Mike Wake up, I'm hungry". Abby jumps up and down on her brothers bed until she hears him grown,"okay okay abby give me a minute". He stands up and makes his way to the bathroom while abby returns back to the living room where she watches her cartoons and color.

Once mike sets abbys plate in front of her she immediately digs in. "Abby would you be okay if I started to date someone?", the young girl replies without even thinking about it "only if its y/n, she likes you". Mike looked at his sister shocked "well who else would it be, because I like her too" he says trying to play it like he knew this whole time.

It was almost 8 when you entered the house and abby ran up to give you a hug. "Hey hun I'm sorry my class ran later, I tried to call but no one answered" Mike came out of abbys bedroom with a relieved yet anxious look on his face. "Abby go to your room, I need to talk to y/n about grown up stuff" she looks at you with big eye to try to get you to let her stay "it will only take one minute, I'll come in there to say goodnight before I go".

Abby walked to her room with a sad and betrayed face. "Um here's you're payment, you'll be here tomorrow right" "Yeah, couldn't miss it for the world.".There it was, your smile. Oh how he couldn't wait any longer once he seen your million dollar smile.

"I know this might be sudden and very out of line, but could we maybe go out sometime"

You were surprised. "Yeah that sounds great, I would love to" you were stumbling over your words a little bit from being flustered. You two stood there with awkward smiles on your face, if you weren't in his house you would have been screaming from happiness.

"I better go say goodnight to abby before I go it's getting late" you stepped closer to Mike to get to the bedroom. "Y/n '' before you could respond to him, he placed his hand on the back of your ear and placed his lips upon yours.

It felt like a thousand minutes passed by in those five seconds, and you didn't want it to end. It wouldn't have ended if a certain someone spoke up.

"Yay I was right, y/n does like you mike!"

[poppadom0912]

Unexpected

Warnings: Mentions of pregnancy and childbirth

Summary: For nine months, you'd prepared and expected a baby but something unexpected happens.

A/N: Hello! I was back at school this week and have been so drained from the work load so I'm here relaxing and writing away. I only know surface level stuff so I'm sorry for any medical inaccuracies. Exams are next week so I won't be writing anything then. This is unedited and I apologise but please do enjoy!!!!

Four years into your marriage with Kelly, two years with infertility issues, you had come to the point of acceptance and making the possible choice of fostering or adoption.

But then one day you got shot at work and when treating you, the doctor gave you the unexpected news.

You couldn't believe it. You were finally pregnant. After so much struggle, IVF and the unsuccessful tests, you were finally pregnant. You could finally have the family you dreamed of having as a little girl.

You weren't allowed back onto the field. Hank benching you to desk work till your baby welcomed itself. A choice that made you very angsty to get up and be on the move.

You didn't feel like much of a detective being sat at a desk all day while the rest of Intelligence went running around ragged looking and catching bad guys.

So during the moments of peace, you found yourself driving to the firehouse to bother your husband and the people he considered family.

The men and women of 51 loved you as much as they did Kelly, you were one of their own and you were doing the impossible by growing and delivering a mini Kelly Severide into the world.

Kelly rolled his eyes every time you brought up the gender. Call it mothers intuition but you had a gut feeling that you were having a boy, a concept which Kelly didn't mind but thought otherwise.

Refusing to find out the gender, you preferred to watch everyone wait impatiently, their bets pilling up as they put money on your baby's gender.

You scoffed seeing Kim and Hailey 'sneakily' pass money over to Cruz one night at Molly's.

The pregnancy flew by. Small milestones of your belly popping, the first kicks, the weird cravings and watching the growing blob develop on an ultrasound was so surreal but before anyone knew it, you were already hitting the nine month mark.

You left early. Today's case was running late and another murder got called it close to midnight, you were no longer needed and your husband sat at home. The thought of foot massage was ever so enticing.

Said man welcomed you home with the tea that soothed your nausea, your nightly snack at the go and he looked just delicious sitting in his pyjamas.

Pregnancy hormones man. Who would've thought.

And just like every night, the day ended with both of you in bed, his hands gently caressing your ballooning stomach, talking and debriefing with your unborn baby, smiling when a particular comment elicited a kick, showing the imprint on a foot against your skin.

Falling asleep wasn't easy though, especially with the new addition of Braxton hicks. You always found yourself tossing and turning, pushing Kelly to the other side of the bed so you could be left alone with the other love of your life: your pregnancy pillow. The triangular pillow a dream come true.

Eventually, you got up to refill your bottle and water, taking a quick pee because the pressure on your bladder was stupid.

Taking out some ice cubes from the ice tray, you slowly plonked them into your bottle, your eyes heavy with the sleep that refused to come from such a long day at work.

"Baby? Why are you awake?" Kelly's voice was hoarse as he appeared in the kitchen, his hair a mess as he rubbed the sleep away from his eyes.

"Your son is playing football in here. He's already obsessed." You whispered back, letting him recollect himself as he made his way towards you, watching through bleary eyes as you closed the freezer door.

"My son huh? Well I think our daughter is just really excited to meet her very impatient parents." Kelly smirked, his arms circling around your waist before he crouched down to be face level with your protruding stomach.

"Hey baby girl." He whispered, his eyes focused on your stomach and nowhere else. "Your mummy is very tired after working all day. She needs all the sleep before you come home. Do you think you could do me a favour?"

You smiled softly at the sight. Your husband was already smitten and the baby wasn't even here yet.

A few seconds passed and all of a sudden, the little football match came to an end.

You scoffed, looking down at your husband incredulously. "Wow."

Standing back up, Kelly now smiled down at you. "Obviously, I'm the favourite parent."

"Watch it lieutenant." You pouted, poking his chest. "I've got some detectives in my back pocket."

Smiling at each other, basking in the silence and warm lighting, you almost forgot about your sleep deprivation.

Breaking you out of your thoughts was the sound of water dripping, Kelly's face mirroring your thoughts.

"Did you leave the tap on?"

You frowned, you were sure you-

Your mind went blank the millisecond you registered your wet trousers.

Looking down at where your feet would've been had it not been for your stomach being in the way, you swore lightly under your breath.

"I think he interpreted your words differently." You said, looking back up at Kelly who stood astonished.

"Baby's coming today."

*****

You didn't go to the hospital straight away.

Instead, you wiped yourself down and changed clothes while Kelly cleaned up and brought out your already packed hospital bag all while timing the length and time between your contractions.

The sun was rising when you made your way to the hospital, your midwife already in the loop the moment your water broke.

Settling into your room, dressed in your gown, you sighed.

You were bored. What were you supposed to do while you waited for the birth to get into motion.

Your epidural had been confirmed and scheduled for later on when your contractions progressed further. The nurse had just come to measure you before leaving.

You sent a quick text to Hank, apologising for such short notice, saying your maternity leave would start earlier than planned. Kelly had just called Boden, his shift starting not too long ago.

"Boden's got Cruz covering for me." Kelly said, putting his phone in his pocket as he stood by your bedside.

"I'm all yours for the next few weeks."

"I would love you so much if you could just-" You sharply inhaled at the painful contraction, doing the breathing exercises you practised with your midwife. "Just get this baby out."

"How about we go on a walk? Might help speed things up."

All Kelly was met with were your grabby hands.

*****

Several hours later and you were in active labour.

You were surrounded by nurses and the doctor, Kelly glued to your side but at some point when you were pushing, he was ushered away by a nurse who you briefly heard mention the words 'umbilical cord'.

"It's a girl!"

You choked back a sob, your eyes watery as they placed your daughter on your chest for skin-to-skin. Your hands immediately flew to hold her. Your emotions so haywire that you couldn't care less about the cleanliness of her little body.

Inhaling shakily, you looked up through tears at Kelly who was back at your side. He kissed your forehead multiple times, his hand on top of yours so you could both hold your baby.

After a few minutes, she was carefully taken away to be weighed and clean, leaving you and Kelly to revel alone. Reality came crashing down: you had a daughter, your had a-

"Mrs Severide, what's wrong?"

Hearing the doctors question, Kelly looked away from your daughter and back down at you in alarm, his eyes wide in confusion at your own confused face.

"I- I feel..."

You weren't able to finish as you were overcome with the sudden need to push.

It seemed that even without you voicing your thoughts, they knew exactly what was happening.

"Okay Y/N, we go again." The OB said as you squeezed the blood out of Kelly's hand. "Push just like you did."

The next few moments felt like a blur. You weren't too sure what was reality and what was an illusion - everything was happening too fast for you to comprehend what was actually happening.

All of a sudden, a second cry broke out, as loud and high-pitched as the first.

"It's a girl!"

You blinked, your head clearing up.

"Congratulations! Two beautiful girls!"

Then the apparent second baby was placed on your chest, a routine that was just performed not even ten minutes ago.

The tears were flowing now with nothing to stop them. Your shaky hands went to hold her small body as the clouds dissipated and the sky finally cleared.

*****

The two baby beds were rolled towards your bed, Kelly standing up when the nurses entered the recovery room.

"Congratulations mum and dad!" One of the nurses started.

"You have two healthy identical twin girls."

You couldn't believe it, no one could.

There was never a point during the nine months of pregnancy that would even suggest you having twins and now all of a sudden, your leaving the hospital with two twin girls.

You were so lost in your thoughts that you didn't hear Kelly's conversation with the nurses.

"Kelly..." You looked at your husband who was just as shocked as you. "Kelly we have two babies."

"We have twin girls babe." Kelly emphasised, his stupid smile covering his entire face.

"We're not even prepared for one let alone two." You said, sitting up to pick one of them up. "Baby- oh my gosh, we have twins."

Before Kelly could reply, the room door opened and Matt poked his head in. "Knock Knock, can we-"

Matt stopped himself as he laid eyes on the baby on your chest and then the baby that was being picked up by Kelly.

"Matt, move out the way, let me see-" Sylvie barely stopped herself from squealing as she saw the two babies.

"Holy shit, twins?!" Matt half frowned, following Sylvie to your side. "When did this even happen?"

"Literally an hour ago man." Kelly said in greeting to his best friend. "No one had any idea."

"AH- two girls! Congratulations, oh my gosh I'm so happy for you guys." Sylvie gushed, cooing at the little bundles in your arms.

"Oh yeah, Jay and Hailey were somewhere behind us."

Another knock sounded just as the words came from Matt, the door creaking open for the blonde detective to make herself known.

"Y/N, hey-" Hailey gasped so loudly that Jay's swearing could be heard from inside the room.

"Woah." Jay's lack of words proved his surprise.

You and Kelly laughed.

"Well Kelly was right, they're girls."

Jay and Sylvie high-fived, their smirks making it evident they were on the winning side of the bet.

"This is definitely unexpected. I have no idea how we're going to manage." You said, handing one baby off to Hailey while Kelly lay the other into Matt's outstretched arms.

"That's what we're here for, along with the rest of 51 and Intelligence." Sylvie said, looking fondly at the baby in Matt's arms as she held your hand in both of hers comfortingly.

"You've got a very big family ready to help. We're first responders, it's our job."

You hugged the blonde, overcome with sudden emotion.

"Besides," Jay spoke up, gently taking the baby from Hailey's arms into his. "What godparents would we be?"

The room dissolved into laughter.

You had two adorable girls and an entire village at your beck and call. While unexpected, they were more than welcome with open arms and open hearts.

[from-izzy]

[03:10] | the boyz kim sunwoo

Sunwoo hums to acknowledge your thoughts. "Let's try again, okay? Together this time."

​PAIRING » tbz kim sunwoo x gn!reader (fast proofread once! lmk if i missed anything!)​ TROPE/AU » ​established relationship au!, non-idol au! GENRE​ » hurt/comfort at night (morning), fluffy fluff fluff, a sprinkle of angst, sunwoo being your understanding and patient boyfriend, sunwoo tucks your hair behind your ears (i find this so so so cute), big spoon sunwoo who protects you from the world, sunwoo tries to steal your (his) clothes because he's staying the night over and can't fit in yours WORD COUNT » 1836 ESTIMATED READING TIME » ~7 mins WARNINGS (lmk if i missed anything!) » reader has trouble sleeping, reader has a history of taking prescribed melatonin, mentions of unsupportive family, reader has medium to long hair, sunwoo is physically bigger and taller

navi/masterlist!! 🤍 part of 'especially to you...'

thank you for reading and helping with genres/warnings @sohnric !!

something that i wrote up back late december 2023 but only releasing today because it marks day 100 since i had my last melatonin pill. taking melatonin pills everyday since 2021 has had a toll on my body and i see the effects that it has on my body even more after stopping. with it, my body clock somewhat matches the time frame that society 'accepts'. without it, the birds chirp first and even though sleeping at 5-6am is exhausting, i tell myself to keep pushing on.

for another note, this story is not written to influence the audience into thinking that taking medication is bad! please take your medication properly and on time! do not be influenced and swayed by society for your health!

please always stay healthy and i'm rooting for you! hang in there! you can do this!!

You didn't need to look at the clock to know what time it was at night—or should you say at this point, day. 

You were thankful that Sunwoo wasn't asleep yet or on a call with his friends when you sent him a message, asking if he was able to come over. You debated even texting him at first, seeing that it was past midnight but you remember the time he bent down to look at you at eye level, hugging your lips with his before pulling away and telling you to always send him a message if you ever needed him at any time and anywhere.

At that point, all your worries washed away as it was the exact words that you needed to hear from your loving boyfriend.

As soon as Sunwoo read and replied to your message, it took him less than ten minutes to appear on the other side of your window—but it took you a second quicker than him to open the said window before he could knock on its frame as all you did after you turned off your phone was put your arms around your legs, resting your chin on your raised knees and watch the mocking moon in the sky.

It was so high on a cloudless night that your stomach churned with anxiety and the truth that time waits for none kicks you in the gut devastatingly. The physical time tells society to sleep and wake up because that's the universal time to keep the world going. The long hand ticks in your head while the short one follows bit by bit—like a bomb that explodes when everyone greets you a ‘goodnight’. Your body has always run at a different time and even though the moon gives so much light and comfort to the night for some, it only serves as a grim reminder for you that your seven o'clock alarm will ring in less than four hours. 

It's heartbreaking to realise your perception of the ray of light in the black night that you used to be excited for has changed as you grew older.

"Hey..." Sunwoo keeps you close to his body as soon as he jumps inside your room. One hand holds the back of your head gently, the other wrapping around your waist. He dips his head down to press a kiss to your forehead, a little smile against your skin on his soft lips, "You're okay. It'll be okay."

"I can't fall asleep, Woo..." Your hand harshly grips the leather material of his jacket at the sides of his body and the shape of your nails is most probably imprinted on his daily outwear by the number of times you've done this.

Sunwoo hums to acknowledge your thoughts. "Let's try again, okay? Together this time." His fingers that run through your hair leave you slightly breathless and you try to focus on his careful and slow action towards you, successfully easing your racing thoughts. "I'm here now, bubs."

The smile on his face grew when you nodded against his chest, still burying your face into his chest and to breath in his comforting scent that always seemed to calm your whole body. Delighted and relieved at your response, Sunwoo begins to sway his body from side to side, singing a gentle tune with his mellow singing voice that you love. He alternates between singing the romantic words straight to your ears and humming the words out as he presses multiple kisses on the parts of your face that he can reach.

"Were you sleeping when I messaged you?" You whisper guiltily to his chest.

"Don't worry about those little things." Sunwoo continued humming after. When he finishes singing the last note, your hands no longer hold onto his jacket for dear life, instead just leisurely around his waist. He pulls away just enough to finally face you in the limited light that your nightlamp gave. "Hi there, bubs."

The way Sunwoo says the pet name that you adore so much makes your heart break a little bit. You could tell at a glance that his eyelids were heavy, that he was probably trying to fight the yawn from his song and that his legs were probably trying their best not to fall asleep. Sunwoo quietly observes your trembling lips and he picks up the high possibility that you were most probably conflicted in your thoughts.

It still haunts you more than the moon outside; more than any horror movies or the amusement horror houses you’ve been in. Maybe it’s because, during all those situations, you had someone beside you. But it’s inevitable once again when your eyes won’t close that you think of the scene in the dining room. When that one artificial light hangs on the ceiling in the middle of the dining table, the square sides taken up by the other members of your family, you will never forget the disbelief and scoffs of disgust when you told them about the small white circle in the palm of your hand that your doctor prescribed.

"I'm so sorry. Maybe I should've just taken the medic—"

"Don't be like this to yourself." The moonlight behind your boyfriend highlights the tears that roll down your pale cheeks. Your heavy, shaky inhales are what prompts Sunwoo to bring yourself back to the present time. "I want to be here, okay? I want to take care of you." Your cold cheeks met the warmth of his palms, his thumbs brushing across the underside of your eyes to wipe your tears away while the rest tucked the lone strands of your hair behind your ears. "If you don't want to take the pills then you don't have to. Please don't be sorry for anything."

"But you're so tired..." It's a miracle that the sentence was comprehendable though it did break multiple times along the way.

He keeps his reassuring eye contact with you when he shakes his head, "You must be more tired than I am." 

You whimper at his thoughts, biting your bottom lip to keep your cries from growing any louder. Sunwoo shakes his head once more, resting his forehead on yours and whispering sweet nothings to you delicately. His thumb lands on the outline of your bottom lip before lightly pulling it down to free it from the pain you were inflicting on yourself. When your cries did break out from your lips, restrains fully gone, your boyfriend's kind heart completely breaks.

Sunwoo takes your breath away by giving you his own when he tilts your head slightly to meet his plump lips. He drinks all your sorrows, cupping your jawline to bring you closer, the sides of your nose brushing against each other. Your lips stop trembling, focusing on the love and patience that he gives you. Your hands unclasp from his back, moving to curl and envelop his wrists, resting the pads of your thumbs on his to feel his calming heartbeat. The muscles that made your eyebrows furrow relaxed with the way that Sunwoo held you so carefully in the now-broken, silent night.

Sunwoo learns from the number of times that you have called him in this situation that showing you gestures like these are the fastest and most effective way to ease your mind and ground yourself. His heart does little loops and jumps every time before he kisses you but he is more focused on making you feel better than anything. As much as it makes him happy to know that he's the only one who could give you the loving gesture, nothing beats the feeling of knowing that you will always feel better and be in a better state of mind afterwards.

The boy pulls away eventually, scanning your face to look for any discomfort. When he found none, his thumbs continued to brush over your skin for a little while more, trailing a series of kisses from your forehead, the shape of your nose, your eyelids that protect his favourite pair of eyes to your precious lips that his own would never get enough of.

"May need to borrow some clothes, bubs." An eyebrow raises from him and a teasing grin makes its way to his face, "Even though ‘borrow’ is a weird word as it’s mine in the first place." A chuckle fills your room melodically. "Will you lend me my clothes?"

"And if I say no?" You did a little nose scrunch, pouting after.

Sunwoo is not the strongest soldier, especially not to your cute actions that sent his heart beating erratically against his chest when your sparkling eyes met his. "Bubs, I'm not going to fit in your clothes. Even if I could, I don't think you would like it when you get it back all stretched."

"I have oversized too, you know."

"You mean my clothes that are oversized on you."

Your eyes smile at the short conversation and Sunwoo's heart feels full and content, relieved to see the beautiful sight that he has always wished you would have in long nights like these.

After Sunwoo changes, you both cover your bodies with your weighted duvet. Just like before, he holds you close to his body, resting an arm for you to lay on before bending it up to soothingly run his fingers across your scalp. You smile contently, hiding your face to his chest, pressing a kiss on his jawline.

"I'll be here when you wake up. I promise."

Just like every time as an act of 'goodbye' or 'goodnight', you relish the forehead kiss that goes on for slightly longer than all the other forehead kisses. After a date and a long day, you would always pout and beg for another one, not wanting to leave his side yet. But on nights like these, when his arms would spoon your figure and you would hug his other free arm, you wouldn't need to pucker your lips to him, knowing well that it's a 'goodnight' and not a 'goodbye'.

"I love you so much, bubs."

"I love you so much too." You push your body up a little bit, careful not to crush the arm beneath you and press a final kiss to his lips before trying to reset your body clock for another day. "Thank you for coming, Woo."

"Anytime and anywhere. Never forget that."

Sunwoo did fall asleep first but his presence with his little snores and the warm exhale from his lips comforted you greatly. Your head seems to agree with your heart because when your eyelids become heavy and sleep finally overtakes your body, you're glad that the last thing two things you see before drifting off to one of the best sleeps in your life, are the sight of your intertwined hands between your bodies and the thought that you're blessed to have Sunwoo who loves you so much and so dearly. 

Wrapped in patient love, the seven o’clock alarm didn’t seem scary to you anymore.

navi/masterlist!! 🤍 'especially to you...' tags (send a dm/ask if you would like to be here or removed!): @deoboyznet 📢❤️ @k-labels 💙🤍 @k-films 🤎🎞️ @kflixnet 📺🍿 @sanaxo-o

[bubbles-for-all-of-us]

oh no, i hope you get better soon! you deserve to be in the middle of a sleep token cuddle pile with the boys taking care of you :)

Waiting for antibiotics to kick in and hoping that I can get a free day off work tomorrow. 🫡🫧

But also….

No, but imagine them all finding out that you are unwell. You forbid them from coming to visit you because the tour starts soon and you would never forgive yourself if you were to get them sick too. But then you get woken up from your fever nap by your doorbell ringing. So you’re dragging yourself up, hair all messy, a blanket wrapped around your body. And you open the door to them bickering because iii forgot your keys.

“Not my fucking problem that your key is like hers”, he grunts before turning to you, “oh, hun…” and you’re being dragged into iii’s warm embrace. And it’s so comforting and warm and so exactly what your freezing body needs.

“Yeah, out of the hallway”, Vessel orders, “She will get even more ill, it’s windy here”. And then they are practically push you inside. Palm after palm coming to check your forehead. “Guys…”, you grunt, “I told you to not come”, you try to frown but that only results in your head hurting even more. “And have we ever listened, darling”, ii shrugs, already mid-watching up the dirty dishes in your kitchen.

“You need to shower 'cause this ain’t it”, iv pulls at the strand of your hair. “Thanks huh… kind of been busy being sick”, you grunt. “You look cute regardless”, he’s quick to interject with a wink, “I’m just saying that a bath would make you feel better”, he pulls you into his chest and you once again melt into a warm embrace, feeling your eyes closing.

“Come, I’ll help you wash up”, Vessel gently runs a hand down the back of your neck. “I’m not getting naked in front of you”, you wheeze, hiding your face even further into iv chest. “Nothing I haven’t seen before”, Veseel shrugs making you let out a gasp, “You haven’t seen my ass”. Laugher echoes through the apparent. “Questionable statement if we take last new year’s into consideration”, iii snorts. “Who are you to talk to, your dick was out before midnight”, you shoot him a look, sending everyone into fits of laughter once again. “Okay, bath now”, Vessel practically peals you away from iv before scooping you up in his arms, “Fun later”.

You don’t remember much of the bath time. Just Vessel humming beneath his breath as he washed your hair, running a wet cloth down your arms as you soaked in hot water. Every cough that slipped past your lips made him frown more and more. At some point iv had popped his head in to check on you, double-checking on what meds he needed to go grab. Once you were dried off and drowning in iii hoody, a big mug of tea was placed in your hands.

Your living room was now spotless. Blankets you didn’t even know you had thrown all over the sofa. “Chicken noodle soup should be done soon”, ii walked in a tea towel draped over his shoulder. You only crook your head to the side. “Don’t give me that look”, he flicks your nose, “You would do the same for us”. And where he’s not wrong, you still couldn’t get over the four men fussing over you.

“You are being too sweet”, you sigh, letting your body fall into the blankets. “So are you when you stay up for hours on face time after shit shows”, iii muses, scooting in next to you. You smile at him weakly, resting your head on his shoulder.

“Movies and cuddles?”, iv steps through the door, dangling a bag in his hands. “I call dibs on picking”, Vessel hums, pulling your legs over his lap. “You always pick”, iii rolls his eyes yet tosses the remote to him anyway. “Take two”, iv pops pills into his palm before handing them to you, “Save me a spot while I go look for a thermometer”, he pats your thigh before disappearing into the kitchen. “I swear if you all leave me a corner seat I will beat your ass”, ii shout back, making you all chuckle.

[violetmuses]

Honor - M. Lowrey ❤️‍🩹

Title: Honor - M. Lowrey ❤️‍🩹

Fandom: “Bad Boys” Film Universe

Character: Mike Lowrey

Main Storyline: Detectives Mike Lowrey and Marcus Burnett discover the most unexpected “gift” out of nowhere. @adoresmiles 🏷

Honor - Part II ❤️‍🩹

=====

1996

“Come over.” Detective Mike Lowrey stepped out of the Miami Police Department with his partner and best friend Marcus Burnett. “I'll have food and everything. It's been a while since we hung out together.”

“That's cool. Your penthouse? I don't wanna make noise if we start watching this football game at home. Theresa will kick my ass!” Noting his wife Theresa, Marcus chuckled over the household.

“Got it. See you later.” Mike tossed car keys of his midnight Porsche and rolled out, blasting music through Florida sunshine.

______

“Hey, what's wrong? You looked creeped out, man.” Mike stood from the couch when Marcus showed up. This television channel echoed around.

“There's a baby perched in the hallway.” Marcus whispered. “I pulled up to see you and this random woman held one buckled car seat.”

“What the hell?” Mike shoved Marcus out of his way and rushed out, facing that shadowed corridor.

Right away, Mike and Marcus glanced over to see an adorable baby boy crying on the floor.

“Told you! Now bring him in, Mike. I'll help unfasten the carseat.” Marcus turned his “parent mode” in action.

“Okay.” Closing that front door behind him, Mike whispered as this baby kept shrieking.

No chilling after all.

=====

2003

“$21,000 dollars in damage? What? Oh, kiss my Black ass! It was the dashboard. We'll cover that reimbursement because somebody's on the way with your money.”

Following one large fail with ecstasy pills, Detective Mike Lowrey grilled this caller while answering his cell phone at the Miami Police Department. Partner Marcus Burnett looked on, silent.

“There's vehicular wreckage, and you sank someone's boat?” Captain Conrad Howard ranted through questions.

While Burnett and Lowrey took Captain's anger, Mike's cell phone rang once more.

“Hello?” Mike narrowed both eyes during this second phone call.

“Detective Lowrey? Apologies for disrupting your day, but it's almost 3:00 PM.” A secretary for one of the elementary schools called this time.

“My goodness! Thank you so much for calling. I'll be there to pick him up right away.” Ignoring the case, Mike grinned with joy.

Closing that flip phone, Mike glanced toward Marcus and smiled even brighter.

"Look, I'll pull strings with the case. Go pick up your son, Mike.” Whispering, Captain Howard settled emotions, dismissing Lowrey and Burnett from his office.

______

“Armando's in third grade now? I can't believe it, Mike!” Marcus nearly sniffled in the passenger seat.

“Please don't cry again.” Mike pointed to his best friend before exiting the car.

“Papa!” Eight year old Armando Aretas cheers to greet Mike up close.

“Hey, man! Sorry I'm late. Work was crazy.” Mike holds hands with Armando while moving back to the car.

“Dónde está Tío?” Still using his native language of Spanish, young Armando looked for “Uncle” Marcus Burnett.

“Right there.” Mike gestured near the passenger seat after safely buckling Armando.

“What's up, man!” Wearing this football jersey, Marcus glanced over one shoulder with the biggest smile on his face.

Armando's genuinely kind laughter echoed through sunlight as Mike Lowrey returned home.

=====

2020

Almost twenty-five years later, international deployments outright shifted the personality of Armando Aretas.

Laughter stopped reaching his heart and smiles faded away.

“You good?” Mike offered the question more often than not these days.

“Tired.” Armando clipped through slightly accented English and still helped clean up the kitchen tonight.

“That's all right, man. Night.” Mike excused himself from Armando's personal space while his son focused on chores.

_____

Just before Armando would turn out the main lights and go to sleep, knocking reached that front door out of nowhere.

“Yes?” Armando pulled himself together when two strangers arrived here.

“Armando? We have news for you.” One of the professionals spoke up.

“I won't talk. You're not Miami PD.” Armando folded both arms right as Mike Lowrey returned downstairs.

“Can I help you?” Mike joined questions and faced both strangers, protective.

“We found out that…” One stranger tried to explain himself again, but two gunshots pierced the evening sky and killed each man.

“What the fuck? We've been ambushed, man. Go!” Mike signaled Armando to prepare himself with weapons.

Calling that police department for help now would've strangled the moment with red tape and put their lives at risk.

“Look out!” Armando shouted between lights of the waking neighborhood and scoped for Mike's presence just in case. There was no other choice.

“Don't worry, I'm right here. Keep moving and stay with me.” Mike noticed Armando after running down the sidewalk.

“Kay.” Both men nodded toward each other, quietly prepared.

Just when gunshots echoed once more, smoke billowed uphill in the distance.

“Who set shit on fire?!” Mike looked forward while destruction unraveled.

Moments later, as she wore this bloodied prison uniform, Isabel Aretas emerged past the burning flames.

[coldresolve]

Moneymakers, pt.xxxix // The Midnight Talk

Previous / AO3 / Wattpad / Masterlist / Next

A change in the light wakes Conrad up. Slowly, at first, until his tired eyes manage to focus on the texture of the painted wall. It’s a softer, warmer light than the LEDs in the ceiling. Maybe Davin turned on the little desk lamp.

He’s comfortable and warm under the duvet, but Conrad knows the sooner he can swallow the pills, the sooner he can go back to sleep. So he lets out a low groan against the haze in his body, the way his senses blend together into a blurry, washed out image. Fighting that feeling of ethereal calm takes effort, but he manages to push himself up to sitting, and rubs his eyes with the back of his hand while the other keeps balance. Shudders slightly in the cold air.

When he finally looks up, he freezes in place, suppressing a sharp inhale. Because the man across from him is not Davin.

It’s Renee.

He’s sitting in the desk chair with one ankle resting across his knee, hands clamped tight over his shin, foot tapping an irregular rhythm in the air. Faint sweat stains mark the neck and chest of his t-shirt. Tiny flakes of dried blood dot the skin above his upper lip, as if he didn’t quite manage to clean up after a nosebleed. There’s something hungry in the way he takes in Conrad’s reaction to seeing him, something unnatural about the intensity of his stare. His eyes are too wide. His breathing is too quick. “I won’t lie to you,” he mutters seriously. “I am off my fucking shit right now.”

And his demeanor cracks, bleeds into a crooked smile. Traces of laughter are expelled from his nose, like he’s trying to hold it in.

Conrad lets out a bewildered string of syllables before he finally manages to stutter out an uncertain sentence. “What t-time is it?”

“Nighttime, dumbass.” Renee snickers. He leans back, kicks out his legs, resting his feet against the edge of the bed, one foot to either side of where Conrad is huddled. “What, you got places to be or something?” Laughs a little. “Where are you gonna go this time? Hm?”

Conrad’s stomach sinks. He shrinks back fully against the cold wall, like a cornered animal, as the first threads of fear start to creep up his spine. “What, what do you want?”

“I just wanna chat, dude, I’m in a talking mood. It’s been a while, no?” Hands folded across his abdomen, Renee taps his thumbs together. He makes continual little adjustments to how he’s sitting, like he’s bursting with energy, but has no real way to release it. Rocks slightly with the backrest, scratches at his arms, jaw working. “We used to have fun, you know? Where’d that go, hm?”

Conrad swallows, dumbfounded. Renee is always unpredictable, but this feels dangerous in a different way. Like a more severe loss of control, something you can’t begin to approach without the risk of tipping the scales completely. Is he supposed to say something? His eyes flicker to the door.

Renee instantly follows his gaze, then lets out a chuckle. “Mhm,” he hums. And then something happens - his eyes trail out over the black nothingness beyond the window, his expression becomes slack for a moment, maybe ten seconds, as the constant fiddling fades to a halt - before his gaze snaps right back to Conrad, and he starts rocking in his seat again. “I like when you’re scared, you know,” he says, smiling. “It suits you.” Sniffs. “Davin told me about the little lockpick you made. Bet you felt real clever about it, didn’t you? I bet you thought you were real fucking clever.”

He stands up suddenly, chair scooting across the floor, cocks his head to the side. Conrad flinches and leans further back against the wall. Something about the man’s eyes is alarming, not normal - the way he’s barely blinking, the dark voids of his pupils. His teeth glisten in the low light.

“How’s that workin’ out for you, huh? Do you still think you’re smart? You’re a fucking cripple now, aren’t ya?” And he lets out another low laugh, leaning down, hands against his knees, to look at Conrad eye to eye. “Life catches up to you, eh? Always fuckin’ does.”

In the cold rush of his building fear, hands clutched tight in the fabric of the duvet, Conrad returns Renee’s stare with wide eyes, because he’s pretty sure the man will snap if he doesn’t.

Renee lets out a snort, shaking his head slightly. “You’re such a fucking pussy, you know that? Spineless fucking… choir boy.” His smile veers off into a sneer, a crease of disgust. “I know who I am. That’s what you don’t seem to get. You can’t get it through your thick skull. I thought you were naïve at first, but you’re just goddamn stupid. I’m the guy who can do whatever the fuck he wants.” The last sentence is hissed through gritted teeth, eyes burning, breathing somewhat labored. He hammers his index finger at his own chest. “I’m the guy who fucking made you.”

Conrad grits his teeth. He silently counts to three and takes a quick, deep breath. “Dav—”

His shout is cut short as Renee’s fist connects to the side of his mouth, upper lip splitting on his own teeth, and the back of his head thunks hard off the wall. Dazed, Conrad ignores the instinct to stop and collect himself, just pushes off the wall with his hands, thigh searing in pain as he tries to gather his feet under himself and dart past Renee –

An arm wraps around his neck and pulls him back down, choking out the cry on his tongue. Conrad’s back hits the bed, soon followed by the weight of Renee’s upper body, centered Conrad’s chest, and a hand clamps so tight over his mouth, his head is pressed into the mattress. Conrad digs his heels in to try to twist his body free, pushing Renee with both hands, clawing, balling his hands into fists and hitting whatever he can as hard as he can, but none of it seems to faze Renee. He just shifts the weight pinning Conrad down incrementally, until he’s almost lying directly on top of him. The nauseating heat of his body, the weight. At one point, his knee digs into Conrad’s thigh, and the bandages there shift, and it feels like something tears. A cry, partly out of pain, partly out of panic, is muffled against a palm.

“Shut up,” Renee growls. There’s three red scratch marks on his cheekbone, another along his jaw, two of them bleeding enough for it to start rolling down his face. Once he finally manages to get in a position where he can straddle Conrad, he coils a hand around his throat, closing his airway. His other hand leaves Conrad’s mouth to join the chokehold. Wild eyes burning with contempt, excitement, teeth bared in a grin. “I’m a god to you. Do you understand that? I’m fucking divine, bitch.” And he lets out a high whistle through his teeth, leaning the full weight on his upper body onto his hands.

The pain in Conrad’s throat skyrockets as his Adam’s apple is forced down on his windpipe. His fingers claw desperately at Renee’s arms, legs kicking uselessly against the mattress, until his feet tangled in the duvet. His heart drums against the inside of his skull, he can feel the way the blood pools in his face, mouth open. The spasms of his diaphragm as his chest tries and fails to expand. Renee’s figure, looming above him, is clouded by a mess of sparks that begin to dart across his vision.

“Calm down. Do you want to breathe? Look at me, asshole. Do you want to breathe?”

Body convulsing, Conrad fumbles for Renee’s wrists, forcing his eyes to focus on the blurring silhouette of Renee’s face. He never manages to nod, but the pressure on his throat eases slightly, allowing him to draw in a fraction of a breath, before it returns, just as unforgiving as before.

“See? I can do whatever I want,” Renee says breathlessly. Laughs, sticking his tongue out between his teeth. “You can talk shit, but I can kill you if I fucking feel like it. Stupid bitch. I can do anything.”

The edges of Conrad’s vision are beginning to darken, a numbness spreading in his limbs, a prickling sensation in his face, when the pressure suddenly stops altogether.

As he gasps for air, he’s vaguely aware that Renee has grabbed both of his wrists, pinning one arm into the mattress next to his head, but raising the other toward himself. Conrad is so busy heaving for breath, trying to collect the strength to struggle again, he barely realizes what Renee is doing before the man’s teeth sink into his forearm.

Conrad lets out a wordless shout, back arching against new pain. There’s zero inhibition in the bite, he can feel the skin breaking, the relentless force as flesh is pried apart, the way sinew seems to get pushed out of the way, the sharp pinpricks of disbanding tissue. “Stop!” he screams. “Stop! Please stop, please stop—”

But his feeble attempts to pry his arm free only seem to strengthen Renee’s resolve. His jaw sort of locks on Conrad’s arm, teeth steadily sinking deeper. The pressure brings with it a blinding, piercing pain, and a fear in the part of Conrad’s mind that is still capable of thought, that Renee might actually reach the bone, that he might actually bite all the way through and tear a large chunk out.

Beneath Conrad’s cries, a loud thunk fills the room, one that finally makes Renee pause, and the piercing pain in Conrad’s arm ceases, leaving him to gasp in its aftershocks.

“What the actual fuck are you doing?!”

Renee’s grin is stained red as he straightens up, rocking slightly. “It’s not what it looks like.”

Davin blinks. His hair is down, tangled from sleep. “Are you high?”

Renee giggles, looking back at Conrad. “Hell yeah,” he says, letting go of Conrad’s arm only to firmly pat his cheek. The blood dribbling out of his mouth, staining his chin, is beginning to extend its fingers down his neck. “We’re just chattin’.”

“He bit me,” Conrad pants, voice shaking. “H-he bit me. He bit me.”

The disbelief is painted on Davin’s face. For a moment, he just stands there staring, brow furrowed.

“You look pissed,” Renee says zestfully. He’s still breathing hard, as if he just exercised.

“Get out,” Davin says.

Renee snickers. Pats Conrad’s cheek again, a little harder this time. “He’s definitely pissed.”

“Out,” Davin repeats, pointing to the door for emphasis.

Renee rolls his eyes, but he does shift his weight then. As soon as he has swung his leg over the edge of the bed, Conrad scurries up, crawling backwards on the bed until his back hits the corner between the wall and the headboard, drawing his legs up in front of him and clutching his forearm tight. His blood stains the bedsheets, drops and smears scattered in different places, absorbed by the fabric. His arm is throbbing.

Renee’s nonchalant steps circle Davin in the middle of the room, until he starts walking backwards toward the door. “You guys are so fucking boring, you know? I’m just here to have fun.”

“Leave,” Davin says firmly.

Raising a brow, Renee throws both hands up in defeat. Spins around, chuckling to himself, grabbing hold of the doorframe.

Davin turns his attention back to Conrad just a fraction of a second too soon. He doesn’t see the way Renee freezes on the threshold, stopping with one foot still in the room, the other in the hallway, hand still clutching the frame.

“Show me what he did,” Davin says gently.

Conrad swallows, eyes flickering between Davin and Renee’s back. “H-he…”

Davin follows his gaze. Sneers in frustration. “I mean it, Renee, get the fuck out.”

But Renee doesn’t react, doesn’t even turn his head. Just stands there, swaying slightly with the rhythm of his own rapid breathing.

Davin hesitates. “Renee?” he says, and the edge of his voice is gone. He slowly walks over to him, puts a hand on his shoulder to turn him around. Renee follows the movement, feet automatically dragging back to keep his balance, but although his grasp on the doorframe is broken, his hand doesn’t drop; it just hovers in the air, unmoving. His expression is empty, mouth hanging slightly open, gaze unfocused.

“You alright? Renee…?” Brows furrowed, Davin waves a hand in front of the man’s face. Renee half-blinks, but it seems more like a reflex than any real sign of life. His gaze stays blank. Davin shakes Renee’s shoulder a little, then holds the back of his hand up against Renee’s forehead. It prompts no reaction, but Conrad sees the muscles in Davin’s jaw working. Eventually, he steps back and lets out a sigh, casting his head back. “… three in the fucking morning,” he mutters at the ceiling. Looks down at the watch on his wrist, then back to Renee, as if he’s waiting, counting the seconds.

Suddenly, Renee blinks, gives a minute shake of his head. Frowns at Davin. “What?”

“I’d like you to sit down,” Davin tells him, nodding at the desk chair.

Snorting, Renee throws his hands out. “You literally just told me to leave.”

“I changed my mind. Sit down.”

Renee rolls his eyes again. Trots back to the chair, hasn’t sat down for a second before his leg starts bouncing. He looks at Davin expectantly, one brow raised.

“Sit there while I get my things. Twenty seconds, alright? You don’t fucking touch him.”

Renee snickers. “Chill, dude. I’ll be nice, I swear.”

His eyes follow Davin as he leaves, and then he shakes his head, mindlessly picking at his jeans. “Fucking weirdo,” he grumbles. “Everybody’s so pissed all the time.” He wipes at his chin, and seems surprised when his hand comes away red. Spends a few moments drying his face in his t-shirt, gaze sort of mindlessly drifting, until it reaches Conrad, still huddled in the corner of the bed. “Show me,” he says then. “I wanna see it.”

Conrad nervously clutches his arm tighter to his chest. The pain has faded by now, but his arm is pulsing, and he still feels warm blood seeping through his fingers, making his skin sticky. He has yet to even look at it himself, but the last thing he wants is to let Renee revel in whatever damage he caused.

Renee smiles a little, but it fades just as quickly. Eyes wide. “Show me.” He’s rocking in his seat again, a tiny back and forth, which along with the bouncing leg betrays how much he’s struggling to contain his energy.

Davin comes back with his shoulder bag, and Conrad suppresses a sigh of relief as Renee’s attention snaps to him instead.

Renee stuffs his hands in his pockets, almost like an attempt to stop fidgeting. “What do you want me to do? Hm?”

Davin dumps the bag on the desk, starts filtering through its contents. “Just try to relax.”

Renee grimaces. “I’m not gonna just fucking sit here, dude. I’m vibrating, I’m high. If you’re not gonna fuckin’… give me the Leave-Conrad-Alone talk or whatever, I’d rather just leave, you know?”

Pulling out a syringe and a glass vial, Davin nods. “I’ll let you go in a bit,” he says. Pops the cap off the syringe and lets it fall on the table.

“What’s that?”

Davin shoots him a look. “Rabies shot for Conrad.”

Renee bursts out laughing at that, leaning forward in the chair, until he’s almost folded over completely, head between his knees. “Good one,” he chuckles. And then the smile fades, and he just stares at the floor for a minute, jaw working. “God, everybody in this house is so fuckin’ dead,” he mumbles, shaking his head. “You guys don’t get it. It’s killing me, you know? It’s boring as hell. You’re boring. I’m just tryna make a living, you know?” He looks up at Davin, sneering. “I don’t even know what the fuck you’re here for. You don’t give a shit. You’re just…” He trails off, gaze drifting off to the side. “… y-… you…” And his eyelids begin to flutter slightly, restless movements fading to an uncanny stillness. The only thing that remains is that labored breathing, the occasional twitch of his mouth, almost like a wince.

“Right,” Davin mutters. He pauses drawing liquid into the syringe to check his watch again.

Conrad swallows. “What, what’s wrong with him?”

“Seizure,” Davin says simply. “He’s overdosing.”

Somehow, the thought hadn’t even crossed Conrad’s mind. He looks at Renee’s limp form in the chair, the way his body sways somewhat, the way his head slowly, slowly rolls back, exposing a throat still smeared with Conrad’s blood. His eyelids didn’t flutter before, but they do now, small bursts in between an empty gaze levelled at the ceiling.

Conrad watches as Davin sets the vial down, pulls up the sleeve of Renee’s t-shirt and injects something into his shoulder. Renee doesn’t seem to be aware of it whatsoever. He doesn’t flinch, doesn’t move. He’s just absent.

Throwing the needle in a trash bin, Davin stands back and checks his watch again. “Come on, Vaughan,” he mutters under his breath.

 It takes a while longer than the last one, but Renee eventually blinks, straightening his head back up. Swallows, fishing a hand out of his pocket to scratch at his shoulder, right at the spot where Davin injected him. His knee starts bouncing again. “I forgot what I was thinking,” he says.

Davin snorts. “I bet.” He takes a deep breath before he turns to Conrad. “While that’s cooking… Come sit on the edge of the bed, yeah? You don’t have to get up, but I’d like to see it, alright?”

Conrad grits his teeth, eyes flickering to Renee. “Not when he’s in here.”

“Yeah, well, he’s not leaving for a while. C’mon, I can tell it’s bleeding. I’d like to get this over with.”

Renee snickers, resting his chin on his hand, a smug smile on his face. “Yeah, Connie. Show him.”

Davin looks on the verge of snapping something at Renee, but he composes himself. “If it’s any consolation,” he tells Conrad, “he probably won’t remember more than bits of pieces of this come tomorrow.”

Renee lets out a low chuckle. “Davin’s a liar. So there’s that.”

A knowing sort of smirk flashes over Davin’s face, just long enough for Conrad to catch it. So he takes a moment to collect himself, and then, still clutching his arm, uses his good leg to inch across the bed, wincing as the movement stirs the pain in his bad one. Maybe the pills are wearing off. Can adrenaline make that happen faster? He keeps the bad leg bent, crossed under the one he swings over the edge of the bed. Davin crouches down in front of him, and Conrad reluctantly holds out his arm, taking an anxious breath before he uncoils his hand from the wound.

He's not sure what he expected. His skin is smeared with blood, and the edges are hard to make out, but it looks like a bite mark. Two half-circles, fading before they meet. Faint indentations of molars which didn’t quite pierce the skin, but left enough of an impression to still be visible. As Davin carefully pulls the skin apart with two fingers, the wound gapes, revealing the depth of it – deep enough to need stitches, Conrad can tell already. The other side is just as bad.

Renee lets out a whistle, which breaks into laughter. “Damn. I can’t believe I did that.”

Conrad clears his throat, avoids looking in Renee’s direction. “I think something happened with, with my leg, too,” he says uncertainly. “I’m not sure, it just felt like it.”

Davin nods his understanding. “We’ll check that, too.” And he gets up to grab his supplies, throwing them on the bed next to Conrad. Pulls on a pair of disposable gloves before he crouches back down. “You know the drill by now,” he says softly.

Conrad doesn’t answer that.

He sits in pensive silence, just watching as Davin cleans his arm, feels his skin break out in goosebumps at the coldness of the saline solution. When Davin pulls apart a packet containing a syringe, he looks away. He knows where the lidocaine goes, he doesn’t want to see it.

The tight sting of the first injection makes him lock up his jaw, although he manages to keep his face neutral. The second one isn’t so bad either. But at the third one, Conrad feels the muscles in his back seize up, and he draws in a sharp breath through his nose, curling both hands into fists. Against his better judgement, he glances at Renee. But the man isn’t looking at him anymore. He’s slumped a little in the chair, staring at the ceiling, leg still bouncing a small rhythm on the floor. Even still, Conrad looks away again, turns his head. Silently thankful for the fact that although he’s in pain, at least that pain isn’t being exploited.

The lidocaine is over relatively quickly. Conrad knew it would be. When Davin starts the actual stitches themselves, there’s no pain. Just that strange, tactile feeling of the needle poking through, of the thread being pulled together. The warmth of Davin’s hands through the gloves.

Two minutes have passed, maybe three, when Renee’s low groan resonates in the room. “Hah, fuck.” He’s still slumped in the chair, but his chest has fallen a bit, hands slack over the armrests. No fidgeting, no restlessness. He just stares at the ceiling with half-lidded eyes, breathing slow and even. “Fuck,” he says again, a lazy smile tugging at the corner of his mouth.

Davin pauses what he’s doing, raises a brow. “You alright?”

Renee’s gaze slowly drifts down to meet the other’s. Even the way he blinks seems to lag somewhat. “Mh,” he lets out.

Smirking, Davin nods. “It’s late. Maybe it’s time to go to bed, hm?”

“Yeah,” Renee concedes. Doesn’t move, just keeps looking, in a way that doesn’t really suggest he’s paying much attention to anything.

“Do you need a hand getting there?” Davin asks.

Renee frowns a little. “Where?”

“Your bedroom.”

“Oh…” Renee sniffs, swallowing. “Nah, ’m good,” he says. Slowly, very slowly, he manages to pull his legs under him, pushing off the armrests with both hands. He staggers slightly for the first step, but then seems to catch himself – until he bumps his thigh into the corner of the desk, almost knocking over Davin’s shoulder bag in an attempt to steady himself. “Shit…” And then he trots along, feet dragging on the floor as he walks past the threshold.

Once Renee has left, Davin turns back to Conrad. He looks on the verge of saying something, but it falters. Instead he just lets out a long sigh.

“Just get it, get it over with,” Conrad mutters.

Davin smirks. “Exactly.”

Previous / Masterlist / Next

[candiedspit]

salvation, new york

The air was fragrant with emergency; I was high on prescription cough medicine, the red valentine syrup. The night was a lake and we were wading, knee deep in the midnight marsh. I watched the red lights attack the ceiling in thousands of streaks and heard the sirens weep It was dazzling to be witness to. I felt my cells rise in alarm then nod off, again and again. I always feel most like myself when there’s trouble. I llke when things are larger than I am, larger than my thoughts which I swat at like summer swarms. I fall to sleep with the word grotesque on my tongue, heavy as an anvil in cartoons. 

In the morning, the gossip was fresh. Amanda on the third floor was dead. Heart attack at forty one years old. Her children stood in the street, motherless and dumbed by the news. I watched them from the kitchen window as I licked a sour popsicle, as the television read advertisement scriptures. I envied them. I could imagine the oldest–a blonde daughter studying law upstate–walking through the streets, sobbing. Open arms. I could imagine the world treating her like a child again in response. Here’s a bouquet of freshly cut flowers. Here’s my hand. 

That night, I met Jeremiah on the terrace. He was a year older than I was and demented as a stumbling, bleating goat. And he was too smart for his own good. I passed him a pill, something my neighbor gave me. And as we sat there in the cold, waiting for the pill, whatever it was, only God knows, to kick in, he began to speak aloud. Jeremiah’s head couldn’t hold all of his ideas, sometimes it came out in random, inspired passages. 

What people don’t understand is the mathematics of the universe, he began. 

I tilted my head back so it pressed against the back of the bench. I held my knees to my chest. From where I sat, I could see a distant helicopter fizzing out through clouds. 

This is an optimistic approach, all things considered. And all things must be considered. But energy cannot be destroyed or created. Kindergarten shit. All things are planned. I see it here in the city where the space must be conserved and used wisely; proportions squared off and people very divisive on where they stand, sit, fuck. If you look down the avenue, you can see what I’m talking about. Just stand there for a moment. Forget the mother at home with the hot comb, the blue worries. Forget the teacher and her antics. Just stand and watch. The man misses his bus. The woman carries her purse with two hands. The child screeches, sometimes speaks. It’s all fucking planned. It’s the most beautiful dance. Just watch. 

Then, Jeremiah was quiet. I felt as though I were covered in snow; snow angel in the flesh. I couldn’t speak. I didn’t want to. But after years, I looked over at him and blinked.

Do you feel it?

He nodded. 

I wanna go to the opera, I said. 

I’ll take you, he said. Don’t worry, I’ll take you. 

Then, something happened. I leaned over and kissed Jeremiah on the cheek. His skin was warm. He smiled at me. And kissed me on my lips, on my stupid mouth. I laughed. 

Are you real? I asked. 

I think so, he said. 

A quiet fell upon us. I wanted stars. I wanted more drugs. I wanted the world in my mouth, on my cock. I wanted someone to cry over me. I wanted a window to leap through. I stretched my arm over Jeremiah’s shoulders. 

I love you, I told him. 

I said it once, I couldn’t stop saying it. 

A week later, I was with my mother as she braided a friend’s hair with the radio on. I was high again. But this one made me feel like my nerves were electrified. I talked in a high pitched voice about everything the anchor said while doing a puzzle on the floor beside the cat. 

It made my mother laugh to see me like this. I was a quiet kid, always mulling over my observations. But now I was slapstick, clown on stilettos. 

Boy you too silly, my mother said with a laugh. 

Boy’s lost his damn mind, her friend said. I couldn’t remember her name. 

I gave up on the puzzle and made pancakes while singing Otis Redding into the spatula. I tried to make the pancake in the shape of a nebula; the blurry stars. But all I could manage were car wheels, dirty swirls. 

I didn’t sleep that night. I called Jeremiah in the early morning.

Should I go to the hospital? I asked, rubbing my wrist. I feel weird, I don’t feel good. Jeremiah, what do I do? 

Relax, he said. Just wait it out. Don’t take anything else. If you’re still a spazz in the morning, maybe you should go. Okay?

I nodded though he couldn’t see me. 

In the morning, I cried in my mother’s arms. I hadn’t had to tell her anything, she found my stash beneath the toilet cover and came to confront me. I'd crashed by then, no need for Bellevue. But she didn’t understand. I couldn’t stop crying. She rubbed my back and let me weep through whatever the fuck I was feeling. 

It’s alright, she kept saying. No more, she said. No more of this stuff. Can you stop?

I shook my head with force. 

I don’t want to, I said. Mama, there’s nothing without it. The world is empty and there’s nothing. I need it. 

Jesus, she said. Let me make some calls. Okay?

I nodded. And slowed my breathing. I still had some pills. There was a gap in the carpet in my closet and I’d put some pills there. I took whatever was there and laid back down. I could hear my mother talking in a low voice to someone, one of her friends perhaps. 

I don’t know how long, she said. I don’t know what it is, how much, how frequently. But the boy was crying like I’ve never seen him do. 

After a while, her words got muffled. And the room dimmed. And I fell into the greatest sleep of my life, as though I were being born in reverse. 

Jeremiah came to visit me in the hospital. He brought chocolate and socks and some books. For a while, we talked about the other patients or what the neighbors were saying. 

I was surprised, he said. I didn’t hear about it through your mama or anything, but through Susan. I heard her talking about how she heard gasps for breath, screams from downstairs. Then the presence of the ambulance on a Monday morning. And how stunned she was when it was you. I think everyone was surprised it was you. 

I’m full of surprises, I said. 

A lull. A nurse sat at the door of the cafeteria where we were. He was nice to me. When I can’t sleep, he lets me pick a book from the book cart. And he gave me extra shampoo which is against the rules. 

That’s not true, I said. 

What?

What she said. I died very quietly; with grace. 

That’s not what I’ve heard, he said. 

But, he continued. What was it like? Did you see anything?

I can feel my skin get hot at the question, pricks of white heat run through my cheeks. And my face twists. I want to get away; I wring my hands and look at Jeremiah. 

I saw nothing, I said.

The morning runs through my mind. I was laying on my bed in the clothes from the day before, listening to my mother speak in the other room. And as my eyelids descended only one thought brimmed; why am I alive why am I alive why am I alive why am I alive why am I alive 

[oohnotvery]

Edges of the Night (Chapter 8)

Read on AO3 (I'm the_eternal_optimist).

Scully’s eyes blink open and all she sees is darkness. She wiggles her arm out from underneath the blankets and tries to check the time on her watch. She and Mulder didn’t get in bed until one in the morning, but it’s still pitch-black outside. So why is she wide awake right now?

Beside her, Mulder sleeps quietly, his gentle breathing the only sound for miles. She doesn’t know why she does it—maybe because she forgot to check on his injury before getting into bed—but she reaches over to touch his forehead. His skin feels cold. As her eyes adjust, she notices with frustration that he’s kicked off most of the blankets. Carefully, she reaches out and grabs the edge of the bedspread, then pulls it up to his chest. It’s far too cold to be sleeping without covers tonight.

Her movements aren’t subtle enough, though, because just as she’s withdrawing her hand, he loops his fingers loosely around her wrist.

“You awake?” he asks groggily, his voice rough and raspy.

She hums, biting her lip when he shifts onto his side to face her. He pushes the blankets back down to his waist and she tsks.

“You shouldn’t be sleeping without blankets tonight,” she chides. “This cabin has no heating.”

He huffs a laugh and pulls until the sheet covers his shoulders again. “That better, Doctor Scully?”

She nods and shifts to face him too. “Much.”

Silence stretches between them.

“What’s got you awake at this hour?” he finally asks.

“I can’t tell what hour it is,” she deflects.

“It’s three,” he supplies easily, as if it were totally obvious.

She frowns. “How do you know that?”

The blanket covering both of them moves as he shrugs. “Three a.m. is the witching hour,” he explains. “Haven’t you ever noticed that when you wake up in the middle of the night, the clock is always at precisely three o’clock?”

She snorts. “Considering the number of times you used to call me at all hours of the late night and early morning, no, I haven’t noticed a pattern like that.”

“Nag, nag,” he grumbles.

She fingers a loose thread on the blanket. “God, I forgot what it felt like to be this tired and wired.”

“Must have been nice, yeah? Having a normal schedule for a while,” he says tentatively.

She can practically hear the guilt and self-hatred in his voice, but still she nods. “It was nice.”

She licks her lips, considering it. For nine months, she got into bed at a reasonable hour and set the alarm to wake her at another reasonable hour. Except for her first few weeks in San Diego—when her thoughts were obsessively fixated on Mulder and before she prescribed herself sleeping pills—she slept a consistent eight hours each night, and never woke up in the middle. There were never any interruptions, even when Alan slept over. He was quiet, unassuming, opposed to watching television, and preferred to be asleep by nine or ten. And he never, not once, dragged her out of bed to chase cryptids in the forest. 

Something shifts uncomfortably in her chest. She’s loath to admit—especially to herself—that she used to look forward to Mulder’s midnight interruptions. How sometimes she slept with the phone on her chest, just in case he called. How many nights, she went to bed in her prettiest pair of pajamas, just in case he showed up. How oftentimes, she felt disappointed in the morning when she was well-rested and recharged.

Back then, life was a challenge, a guessing game. A beautiful, complicated mystery that her brilliant mind couldn’t wait to untangle. And Mulder was at the center of it.

His hand brushes hers, which she’s tucked under her pillow. “What’re you thinking about? The fact that you probably won’t get any REM sleep ‘til you’re back on California time?”

She knows he’s joking, but she can’t manage a laugh. “Actually, I was thinking that my life there had become a little too routine,” she admits truthfully.

She hears the wet crack of his smile across the bed. “Is that right? You miss the hustle and bustle of being out in the field, Agent Scully?”

“Don’t call me that,” she says gently. I miss you, she doesn’t say. You let me go.

“Doctor Scully,” he corrects.

She wrinkles her nose. “God, but I’m not really a doctor either,” she confesses, and part of her really doesn’t want to admit this part to him. Part of her is scared that if he knows just how restless she’s become in San Diego, he’ll have won. He’ll get to celebrate the fact that his misguided plot to save her life actually did—for a time—save her life. No more questionable trips to the forest; no more run-ins with monsters; no more horrifying autopsies. Just boring, normal life.

She sighs. “Being in hospital management is mostly administrative work,” she continues. “Budget meetings, fundraisers. I’ve seen very little of actual practice.”

Mulder is quiet for a long time and she wonders what he’s thinking. Is he reveling in the knowledge that her life looks totally different than it did with him? Is he judging her for the path she’s on?  

Finally, he speaks, his voice tinged with solemnity. “You don’t sound happy.”

She wets her lips. “I don’t think I have been,” she says softly, mostly to herself. “Not in the way I used to be.”

Her eyes pierce the darkness to glare at him accusingly.

“But the way it used to be, you were always in danger,” he argues.

“That’s what you fail to understand, Mulder,” she sighs. “You can’t make other people’s choices for them. By booting me from my job—even if it was to protect me—you pushed me into a life that I don’t recognize. A life that doesn’t make me happy. A life I never wanted.”

“But you want it now, right?” he asks. Do you want Alan, the ring, the house on the beach, the respectable career?

“Don’t ask me that,” she whispers with a shake of her head. Her hair swishes softly against the pillow.

She’s having trouble reconciling her own feelings. Sure, parts of her loved the stability California offered. It felt unbelievably good and healthy sometimes. But if she’s honest with herself, she knows she’s never been attracted to normal.

“Oh, don’t tell me you like being on the run with me,” he teases, and it’s such an easy deflection from their overly serious conversation that she grins.

“Ah-ha, I finally made you smile,” he murmurs proudly, his fingers reaching out to brush her wrist.

Her smile fades. “You used to make me smile a lot, Mulder.”

He frowns and withdraws his hand. “No, I didn’t.”

She regards him curiously. When she worked with Mulder, there were certainly moments of darkness, anger, frustration, fear. But right now, all she can remember are the times they laughed together about smalltown cops, or got excited about the same piece of evidence, or joked together at Frohike’s expense, or watched a stupid movie together at two a.m. on a shitty motel room bed because neither of them could sleep.

“I think you don’t understand what you were to me, Mulder.” She sucks in a breath. “If you did, you wouldn’t have sent me away.”

Mulder goes very still, all former joking gone. “And what was I? To you?”

She closes her eyes. She set him up for that question, but it’s something she really doesn’t want to answer. My closest friend, my biggest supporter, my fiercest defender, my protector, my partner, my challenger, my ally, my almost lover.

She snorts at that. Almost? That’s a swing and a miss. They were never ‘almost.’

She opens her eyes and sees him watching with a neutral expression. “Mulder,” she says.

“Yes?”

“That’s what you were to me. Just . . . Mulder.”

Across the dark bed, she sees the slightest hint of a smile rise to his lips. “And you were Scully.”

She nods. That feels right too. Not a federal agent, not a medical doctor, not a pathologist, not a trained investigator. That’s never what she really was, not when she was with him.

“Scully,” she agrees.  

He falls quiet for so long that she’s sure he’s drifting off to sleep again. But her mind is still churning, so she prods him with her foot.

“Mulder?”

He hums drowsily.

“How long do you think we’ll be here? Running?”

He clears his throat and shifts, coming so close that she can feel his body heat. God, he is warm. Like a furnace. Maybe he really doesn’t need those blankets.  

His fingertips trip across the bed to brush against her cheek, and the touch is so intimate and tender, she blushes. He shouldn’t be touching her like this. She shouldn’t allow it. “Not long, I hope. For your sake.”

She tilts her head and his fingers slip down her cheek to rest along her neck. “Not for yours?”

He’s quiet for so long that she wonders if he isn’t going to answer.

“Mulder?” she prompts.

“I can’t answer that,” he finally says, his dark eyes meeting hers.  

She frowns. “What does that mean?”

He pulls his hand away and she hears the quiet tap of his fingers drumming out an anxious rhythm on the sheets. “I don’t ever want you to be in danger like we are now,” he begins carefully. “But having you close again, knowing you’re safe. Being able to talk to you, to see you in person, after nine months without . . . .” He shrugs.

“You did that to me,” she points out testily. “You sent me away.”

“I know. I know what I did.” His voice strains with regret. A beat. “Have you forgiven me?”

She blinks. “I don’t even know if that’s the right word, Mulder. I didn’t have any of the information you had back then. On the outside, it looked like you were pushing me away because you—you suddenly decided you hated me. I suspected it was because you were trying to protect me after my battle with cancer.”

“And now that you know the truth?”

She sighs, considering it. “Now that I know . . . Mulder, we’re in hiding. We’re running. All we have right now is each other. What’s important to focus on is that we’re safe.”

He snorts. “I can see that regaining whatever it was we had between us isn’t important to you.”

She groans irritably and twists the sheets in her fists. “Mulder, nine months ago you told me you didn’t trust me anymore. Then you shoved me out the door and said ‘see you never.’ A few days on the run together does not a renewed relationship make.”  

He scoffs indignantly, but a slight smile catches on his lips. “Well, we can only hope that my irresistible charm and alluring features will win the day.”

In spite of herself, she laughs. “We can only hope,” she agrees.

In the silence that follows, a question still hangs over her. She fidgets with the blankets a bit before speaking. “Do you really think the ring was tracking me?”

Mulder sighs and stretches, his calves brushing her feet. God, his body takes up so much space. “I don’t know, to be honest. Alan was a pretty special guy,” he admits on a yawn. “Skinner suggested him, although if I’d had it my way, I’d have just moved out to California myself. You know I never wanted you to move away? That was a blow. I thought you’d just . . . go to Quantico. Never thought you’d move across the country. Anyways, they locked me up pretty tight there for a few weeks after you left.” He shoots her a self-deprecating grin and she shudders thinking about him in a psychiatric ward. “And Alan had special training, a medical background, all that jazz. He could slip easily into the background of your life.” He laughs humorously. “But he didn’t quite stay in the background, did he?”

She swallows against the sudden dryness in her mouth.

“Can I ask you something?” he says.

“You may.”

“Nine months. That’s not long,” he observes carefully.

She bites her lip. She knows what he’s getting at, but she won’t feed it to him so easily. “Do you have a question?”

His stark laugh shakes the bed.  

“I guess I’m wondering what made you so amenable . . . so quickly.”

“Jesus, Mulder,” she chides, cheeks coloring with embarrassment.

“There had to be something about him,” he prods.

“I don’t know,” she says. “He was nice. Easy. We got along well. Mutual interests, all that.”

“Mutual interest was enough to make you agree to marry him?”

“Mulder,” she warns.

“I’m just trying to decide if it’s strange or not.”

“There’s something strange about a man wanting to marry me?”

“Jesus, Scully, no,” he huffs. “But nine months? That’s pretty quick for a person who doesn’t even commit to a new food group without a months-long investigation into the risks and benefits of said food group.”

She rolls her eyes. “I trusted you quickly,” she points out petulantly.

“You didn’t agree to marryme,” he retorts.

“You didn’t ask,” she deflects easily.

“And if I had?” He scoots closer, leaving only inches between their bodies. His eyes pin her to the bed and she squirms under the scrutiny.

“Come on, Mulder, be serious.” She pushes at his chest. “And besides, I did commit to being in a long-term partnership with you. And I committed to that very quickly.”

“You were sent to spy on me—”

“These relationships aren’t comparable!” she interrupts irritably, pushing at him until he rolls onto his back. She closes her eyes, unwilling to face him. She can practically see the look on his face right now—indignation, irritation, confusion, hurt.

But whatever he’s feeling, he stays stonily silent. It irks her. Why is he picking at this? Why is he insisting she reveal all her vulnerable places?

But if vulnerable is what he wants, fine. He’ll get vulnerable.

“If you really want to know,” she says indignantly, heat rising to her cheeks, “Alan just made sense. You—you ripped my entire life out from under me, Mulder. You have to understand, as my best friend—the closest—my closest—” Her voice breaks unexpectedly, but still, Mulder remains silent.

If he isn’t willing to participate in this conversation anymore, she’s going to make him.Sitting up, she yanks at the string hanging off the bedside lamp until light floods the room.

“Jesus, Scully, warn a man!” Mulder curses, squinting reflexively.

She turns to face him, crossing her arms protectively over her chest. Mulder grumbles and shimmies up on the bed, sporting a petulant frown.

“You—our job—that was everything to me,” she tells him honestly. “You and the X-Files were my entire life. And you took that from me so suddenly, I was left feeling untethered. I—I lost my whole sense of identity when that happened. So of course I clung to the first good thing that appeared in my life. I needed an anchor. When I was offered some semblance of a normal life, when I saw a chance to make something good out of a terrible situation, I jumped. I wanted to trust him. I wanted to love him.”

His frown has faded; his eyes are liquid pain. “And do you? Love him?”

She drops her eyes. Love. That’s a tricky word. What is one love compared to another? What is the moon compared to the sun? And how can you love an Alan when you’ve known—and loved—a Mulder?   

Tears of frustration fill her eyes at the unfairness of it all. For reasons she can’t explain, she feels like she has a choice to make. But there’s not a choice, not really. Her only path forward right now is staying hidden until they’re safe. And then she’ll go back to California and figure things out with Alan, right?

Right?

Yes, of course. Because Mulder wouldn’t make sense. Mulder never chose her, not in the way Alan did. Mulder wanted to protect her and keep her safe, sure, but he never loved her. Not romantically, at least.

Her eyes spill over with tears and she doesn’t even know what she’s grieving—Alan or Mulder, Mulder or Alan. The separation from someone who loves her. The absence of a love that she always wanted and never got.  

Before she has time to swipe under her eyes, Mulder scoots forward and wraps his arms around her shoulders. Tired of fighting her feelings, she sinks heavily into his chest and sighs as he strokes her hair, his touch both a soothing balm and a maddening flame. Why couldn’t they ever have this?

“I know you miss him,” he murmurs, and she squeezes her eyes shut at his misinterpretation. “I know running is hard. Being away from him is hard.” His fingertips skim her spine and she shifts to bury her face in his neck.

Those things are hard, sure, but definitely not as hard as they should be. She won’t even begin to acknowledge that maybe . . . maybe she even likes this. The running. The being away. The being with Mulder.

He reaches for the lamp and his body folds over hers, bending her slightly backwards to grab the chain. She moves with him, her liquid against his solid. When the lights turn off, he shifts them down into the mattress, arranging them so her head is against his chest. She feels his lips brush her hair as he speaks.

“I’ll get you back to your life,” he promises once again.

Her chest clenches painfully at the thought of facing a life without Mulder again. Of having had him one final time, only to get it taken away once more. She almost can’t bear the thought. It’s like reopening a wound that had been sutured tight, but hadn’t fully healed. How much will she bleed this time?

But apparently, he’s thinking about it—about the after, about what it means for them. And to him, it means separation again.  

Wordlessly, she shifts, turning her back to him. He doesn’t seem to fully get her subtle message, but he understands enough, because he slips his arms out from under her. But before he pulls away, his hand falls to her hip and he ducks his head, pressing his lips to her wet cheek.

He lingers for a long moment, too long probably. Much too long.

And then he pulls away, draws the blanket back over her shoulders, and returns to his place across from her.  

[justjasper]

60 Alkaline Trio Lyrics Writing Prompts

What do I do with these? Write something inspired by one of them! Get your followers to send you a prompt for you to write for!

Themes: love, death, substance abuse, suicide, violence

Kiss You to Death

1. I don't care if we fuck or we talk or we cry

Every Thug Needs a Lady

2. Right now you're all that I recognise

Over and Out

3. Please tell my wife I loved her more than life itself

This Could Be Love

4. I've got some mad ideas involving you and me

Cringe

5. You were the last good thing I ever saw

Pocket Knife

6. I've been waiting here so long // For someone just like me

Clavicle

7. I want to wake up naked next to you // Kissing the curve of your clavicle

Mr Chainsaw

8. Found out recently that you were leaving // For good I hope, I softly tell my ceiling

You're Dead

9. But I now have nothing but your heartbeat in my head

Enjoy Your Day

10. I hope he bought you roses

Steamer Trunk

11. I love you so I told you, but it didn't matter much

Dead on the Floor

12. We felt so good together // It was way too good to be

Continental

13. Ran out of time, no kiss goodbye

One Last Dance

14. Beyond repair, the damage that I did

Kick Rocks

15. You had nowhere to go, so you came right back here

Sorry About That

16. Maybe I just set aside the fact that you were broken-hearted

Midnight Blue

17. I had nobody but you

This is Getting Over You

18. Today I woke up younger than I've been in years

Bleeder

19. My heart bleeds for what you never did

Calling All Skeletons

20. I've come to love your disappearing act // Do one more pretty please

Blue in the Face

21. I don't dream since I quit sleeping // And I haven't slept since I met you

Radio

22. I've got a big fat fucking bone to pick with you, my darling

Dethbed

23. They tried everything and everyone but you

One Hundred Stories

24. I'm dying just to feel you breathe

My Friend Peter

25. I don't care who you've been sleeping with these days

Sweet Vampires

26. This love-hate is making me cry

I Lied My Face Off

27. It's never fine when you go away

Love Love, Kiss Kiss

28. Do you curse the happy couple?

Crawl

29. Never had a drink that I didn't like // Got a taste of you, threw up all night

Cooking Wine

30. Sorry I'm late, I was out spoiling my liver

Off the Map

31. I'm like a junkie for your smart mouth

San Francisco

32. And I was drinking you goodbye

Fine

33. It's ironic that I drink to make my insides stop hurting

I'm Dying Tomorrow

34. Take lots of pills, commit irreversible sins

Back to Hell

35. Like the pills in your hand, I'll never let you down

This Addiction

36. I once tried to kick this addiction // I swear I'll never kick again

Trouble Breathing

37. You said tonight is a wonderful night to die

While You're Waiting

38. I'm not crying wolf, you whisper // I'm really dead this time

Sadie

39. Play dead dear, it's your only hope of pulling through

Only Love

40. You're dying when you start thinking like that

Do You Wanna Know?

41. My spine is slipping like a fault line // If I go I'll bury us all

Eating Me Alive

42. The end of me was so beautiful

Queen of Pain

43. I've never seen scars like yours

Burn

44. Everyone learns faster on fire

Trucks and Trains

45. Some hit so hard you barely feel a thing

Is This Thing Cursed?

46. My haunted head aches so much worse

Your Neck

47. We'll do our very best to keep our appetites in check

Emma

48. Note on the bed stand signed in blood: Sincerely, never coming back

I Was A Prayer

49. To a hopeless cause I sold my soul

Hell Yes

50. You watched all my dreams come apart at the seams

Take Lots With Alcohol

51. I have no desire to see through my own eyes any more

Trouble Breathing

52. Cause things they never work out right

Help Me

53. You left all the lights burning but nobody's home

Prevent This Tragedy

54. I'm begging you, stop praying for me

If You Had a Bad Time

55. If you're up to your ears in blood sweat and wasted years // I'm hoping you're going to open your throat and just scream

Balanced on a Shelf

56. A somewhat inviting very different kind of hell // To live without ever looking at yourself

Settle For Satin

57. You'll never dream again, but you can pray

Every Thug Needs a Lady

58. I needed to hear something that sounded like an answer

If We Never Go Inside

59. A train appeared in town one night // For some of us it saved our lives

Song For Julie

60. I was wrong when I said things never turn out right

[takaraphoenix]

As fucked up as the American health system is, the one thing I am envious about is that they at least get sleeping pills. They can’t sleep. Doctor gives them a prescription for sleeping pills. They get to fucking sleep.

Meanwhile the most a German doctor musters is “have you tried setting an alarm clock in the morning to get up at the same time every day? it may take months but your sleep schedule will set itself”.

Bitch, I was awake for 40 hours the other day and I still didn’t get tired.

My sleep schedule isn’t the problem here. I mean. It also is. Because some days, I go to bed at 8AM, other days, I go to bed at 7PM and then wake up at 4AM, and sometimes I just don’t go to bed at all. Did a thing where I only slept every second night for a week because I figured surely, if I don’t sleep at all, the tired must kick in early the following evening and that way I might get my sleep schedule on.

How do you recommend me I just set my alarm clock to 8AM every day when I am usually not even asleep yet at that time and when I am telling you that I did the whole not-sleeping-at-all thing too.

It just goes beyond my comprehension, quite frankly, that humans have created medicine that helps people sleep, but German doctor are just like no, go try drinking a warm drink before going to bed and not engaging in things with a screen instead.

I just want to be able to sleep. Why is that asking too much. I go to bed at midnight, I still lay awake at 10AM, not having slept a lick.

And then my father tries being helpful and asks why I can’t sleep. Surely something serious must trouble me to keep me awake. I mean, sure, if I stay awake long enough my mind will rotate back to bad shit too, but it’s not like the bad shit is the only thing keeping me awake. I just can’t turn off my brain.

It’ll spin fanfiction, replay the day, re-evaluate that movie I watched last week, write a lengthy review about the show I finished that day, visualize whatever project I’ve been working on during the day to continue that, write a tumblr post about the most random and non-pressing matter in my head. Not all of these are current, pressing issues that keep me awake.

My mind will just find something to occupy itself with if I’m laying alone in the dark for too long. If it has to, it’ll reach far, far back and get annoyed at the shit ending of a show I watched five years ago, or get hung-up on details of a movie I watched a month ago, or start planning Christmas in January or some shit.

I just want to sleep. What’s not clicking about that.

[valsedelesruines]

All the young folks at work are swapping uni stories which has made me nostalgic. 

Some of the memories in no particular order: cheesy chips; 2 am sprinting; thousands of kisses; kissing boys; kissing girls; college songs in the pub; the swan and three cygnets; strongbow and taddy’s and carlsberg and stella; strip clubs and maccies in Newc; swapping shirts with girls; sleeping in girls beds; chunder charts; alcopop waterfalls; kicked out of club for breaking in; kicked out of club for naughtiness; kicked out of men’s bathroom; stealing ornaments from loveshack christmas tree; stomach bugs; laundry lines; rooftop break-ins; oranges in my nightclub purse; homecoming king; hundreds of trains; chants on the cobblestones; stilettoes on Geordie girls on icy cobblestones; henry hoover; drunk chats in the smoking area; formal gowns; formal spooning; chunder in the soup next to me; chunder on the wall in my home; chunder in the sink; hand-painted shirts for dancing; belly dancing; break dancing; street dancing; dancing in the street alone; sticking to the floors of klute; picking up pounds off the floor of klute; taking pret sandwiches off the street; taking glassware and sweaters off the street; using glassware and wearing sweaters found in the street; drawing on eyebrows; drinking and crying; crying and drinking; shitty decorations from poundland; bonfire night fireworks on the sands; running away from the fireworks; skipping class to audition for BBC game shows; dixie chicken; urban oven; subway; baked beans; shitty lentils and rice everyday; skepta and bugzy malone; stopping in the middle of the road at midnight to lie down and look at the stars; that being my last memory of you before you died; a lovely funeral and a ruined song; spicy curries; panic attacks; shwarma wraps; morning after pills; IUDs; 3 hours in A&E; vodka ice cream licked off my leg at a rounders game; campus tours through the cathedral cloisters; fattened up by dining hall meals; swapping last nights stories at saturday brunch; hash browns and fried eggs and tomatoes and baked beans; picassos in the hallways; lonely walks by the river; helping chickens cross the road; rewarded by courgettes from the allotments; pinching blackberries to make jam; the lads; cheeky nandos; tinder swipes; yik yaks; free apple sourz from the prison guard; long island ice tea pitchers at spoons; vegan sweet potato casserole; halloween pumpkins for pumpkin pie; monster mash in klute; lumiere; siberian winters; you knocking on in the middle of the night; the first time you said you loved me; valentines formal; observatory hill; the cheeky girls; the wicker man; mudlarking the Wear; fajita fridays; running under stopped lorries; back to backs; snowdrops and crocuses; “down it fresher”; “spillage is lickage”; spliffs in shitty apartments; traffic cones in the dormitory showers; poetry open mics; life drawing; toasties; yu-gi-oh games; big tescos; archaeology, I suppose; “what freedom!”

[theonewithnodamnname]

a couple years ago i made “character aesthetics” based off of my family and i genuinely can’t tell if they’re bad or not. it might be me just putting my fam on blast 😭

dad -

drunken laughter; bar fights; late-night grocery runs; falling asleep on the couch; not passing the breathalyzer; blowing cigarette smoke in someone’s face; walking on a broken ankle; two-thousand dollars in one-dollar bills; jumping off of buildings; escaping vehicles on foot; skipping school for a party; sneakers that are falling apart; punching someone for fun; getting blamed for everything; flipping off teachers; telling unbelievable yet true stories; feeling your heart skip from fear; play fighting turned real; scamming scammers; kicking someone out who looked good last night; broken trust; edgy comedy movies; annoyed sighs; crying and saying you have something in your eye; petting a subway rat; regretting the past

mom -

simple outfits with extra jewelry; burning your hand; road rage; flipping someone off behind their back; knowing everyone and everything about them; quick showers; football jerseys; lying to your doctor; angry mutters; the smell of a good dinner; tears of joy; reconnecting with old friends; throwing up on someone; gold jewelry; a mother’s love; tapping fingers; loving a movie you thought you’d hate; trying not to judge; getting bored; going days without sleep; taking pills that aren’t prescribed to you; classic horror movies; vintage clothes; wearing the same perfume; tired eyes; sore feet from walking; burning an ex’s clothes; putting a cigarette out in someone’s water; smiling then crying at memories; getting lost on a road trip; sunsets by the forest; snuggling with a pet; warm hugs

sister -

graphic t-shirts; melting ice cream; being thrown around on a carnival ride; 1970s music; screaming at the top of your lungs; appreciating the oldies; running away from home; gardening at 1AM; headphones; a small dog’s bark; cracked phone screens; humming; notebooks with yellowing paper; cherry candies; taking off your heels and carrying them; jumping on the bed; feeling too tired to get up and too awake to sleep; fingerless gloves; swinging on a swing set; the last green leaf in autumn; knowing when you’ve been let down; remembering pieces of a dream; writing down crazy thoughts; marvel comic books; having that one best friend; online shopping; saying you hate someone only to take it back after five seconds; sleeping with lots of blankets in winter; the relief when you find a shoulder to cry on

me -

a wolf’s tracks in snow; finding forgotten songs; horror movies at midnight; whispering too loud; ripped jeans; frustrated sighs; sneaking off; enjoying the feeling of cigarette in your hand but not smoking; breaking fragile things; bottling up your emotions until you can’t; the smell of gasoline; late night road trips; staying up until 4AM; head-rushes; natural long nails; scarred skin; noir movies; cycling through the same outfits; creepy circus music; strange noises at night; full moons; the feeling of being watched; running on three hours of sleep; tangled hair; coffee addiction; stealing forgettable items; finding money on the street; lying through your teeth; 1920s jazz music; dark color pallets; ripping off your nails; listening to rain; putting the past behind you, joking at the wrong time; eventually letting yourself rest

[friedesgreatscythe]

current schedule to keep myself on some type of disciplined track:

revisions during the day / danganronpa 3 watching before my trial of crunchyroll expires

ffxiv late afternoon into early evening (latest: 9:30)

resident evil 4 remake til midnight

fire emblem: three houses from midnight til my nighttime pills kick in.

and after that it’s attempting to sleep because oh my god what’s wrong with me i can’t sleep at all lately

idk if i’ll liveblog re4r; i want to play chapter by chapter each night, so i might do a write up of thoughts after each chapter. i can see myself sitting on re4r for quite a bit, like how i am right now with danganronpa 2 and fire emblem: three houses, so i expect to have more thoughts to say afterward. lord knows bloodborne gave me tons of thoughts for mini essays over multiple years.

i’m really excited for all this ;_; i work so much better with a schedule of content or work to achieve--another reason school was so wonderful for me. when left to my own devices, especially when i’m in a depressed episode due to trauma and *gestures wildly at my life* everything, i can fall into a habit of doing nothing besides laying around and playing cookie jam on my phone.

i’ve also been meaning to try out automata and p5r on my switch. and my ps+ account lets me have both horizon zero dawn games for free, so. there’s a lot of vidya on the horizon (no pun intended) for me.

too bad it isn’t books. there isn’t anything i’m interested in reading that isn’t indie or self-pubbed, but i have to wait for some spare cash for that. :( it’d be great if libraries could pick that stuff up, since that’s how i read most of my books these days. trad pub has nothing that has caught my eye, and tbh i’m kinda... burnt out with those kinda releases atm. i see too many trad pubs showing their asses on twitter to think much of the industry, which isn’t fair to the authors of course, but. shrugs. i’m also not too fussed about what they’re releasing either.

[jodilin65]

SUNDAY, OCTOBER 31, 1999 Although life is still good overall, things weren’t too great last night and earlier today.

I was able to fall asleep sooner than I thought I would last night, but I kept waking up all through the night.

I’m surprised I forgot to mention what happened yesterday afternoon. It could’ve been worse than it was, but instead, it turned out to be pretty funny. We locked ourselves out of the trailer and couldn’t jimmy the lock with a credit card. Luckily, though, Tom had his pants with the keys in their pocket by a window, and he was able to pop the screen and reach through to get them.

We’re at the La Quinta now, but I’m too tired to get into it now, so I will later. I’m just gonna read for now.

SATURDAY, OCTOBER 30, 1999 We got new camera batteries today and I took more pictures of the land, trailer, and animals.

Tom told me he’d prefer to wait till tomorrow to screw cuz he feels more comfortable in a hotel. That’s fine, but I don’t understand why when you only like to screw for 2-3 minutes. I spend 10 minutes hardening him up by hand (although he gets hard right away) then we screw for a couple of minutes, so why we need a hotel for that beats me. I can see if you wanted to screw for at least 10 minutes, but he prefers quickies.

I may not write long, cuz I can’t see well cuz our battery needs charging. The toilet barely flushes and the lights are so dim that I’m using one of our kick-ass flashlights.

Later…

Tom went out and charged the battery, so now the lights are plenty bright enough to read and write. He used jumper cables and charged the trailer’s battery with the car. God only knows I’ll be up late tonight because as I was starting to say, for some reason I was beat. Yesterday I woke up really tired, even though it quickly passed. Then last night I crashed earlier than the usual midnight I normally crash at. I was out by 10:00. I woke up for an hour or so during the night, then I slept till 9:15 when the guinea pig decided it was time to serve him breakfast. I set my clock for 8:15, but for some reason, it never went off. Anyway, I was still a bit groggy. Then Tom got in a few minutes later and he crashed and I dozed off yet again for a while. So it’s gonna be a bitch getting to sleep tonight, and I’ll be getting up an hour or two earlier than usual once Tom gets up. His movements wake me up if his snoring doesn’t.

I took some pictures after dark of the distant city lights, all the beautiful stars, and the planet Jupiter. Of course, I won’t know how well they came out till I get them displayed on the computer. This digital camera sure beats other cameras, though. I started with nearly 90 pictures and I now have 55 left I can take. You sure don’t get that many with a regular camera.

Anyway, at about 2:00 this afternoon we headed out to a sit-down restaurant, which would’ve been OK if it weren’t so noisy. I had Chinese people gabbing really loud next to me. I don’t know why those who don’t speak English feel the need to shout when they talk. Then minutes later, a couple of loud kids came in behind me. They could’ve been worse, but again, Mommy didn’t even try to calm them down. A simple “shhh” would’ve been nice. I wonder why restaurant employees don’t even do anything. You’d think they’d think that maybe other diners were annoyed, and ask the parents to take some responsibility for controlling their own kids in public.

After eating we went into a Petco. I got rat/mice food, a cute little wooden log for the mice to burrow in, and another little mouse wheel. Of course, sometimes two mice still like to wheel on one wheel.

After Petco, we hit Circle K in Maricopa and picked up batteries, double mocha coffee, and some orange juice so I could take a water pill.

Again, it’s been another quiet day and night. I only heard barking once in the morning for a few minutes, and again at sundown. And these dogs wouldn’t have been heard in the house.

A big smile came to my face when I thought of all the company the nearest houses had to have had since we’ve been here that I didn’t have to hear. I no longer have to know they exist! Neighbors' company is no longer my company, too. I’ve only heard one car door since being here. The one visiting next door that mysteriously parked between our properties and only cuz I was standing outside.

I know it won’t always be this way, but I intend to enjoy every day of peacefulness God will allow me to have until he takes it away from me.

It’s also nice to know that holidays are no longer something to stress out over. If neighbors party - so what? It won’t be my party too, like it or not. They can’t force their shit on me unless they were to blare a car stereo, but remember, they’re not into that here. They want to hide from people and life in general, not be in the spotlight. You want to be noticed, you want to be on stage, here’s not the place to be for that.

Lastly, before I read for a while, Deb and company had to have gotten my mail by now so long as there wasn’t any “divine interference” of any kind. God could’ve made sure it got to our old place, for all I know. The H's seem like the type to give it to next door, though, if they did get it. Speaking of them - what’s the story? We haven’t gotten a bill from them or heard anything about the side mess, so does this mean that they’re not gonna take our offer and that all they wanted to do was bitch about it?

FRIDAY, OCTOBER 29, 1999 Desert Winds is really living up to her name today, fortunately, or else it’d be a bit toasty in here. I’m lying on my bed topless, enjoying the breeze coming in from the window right by me.

It’s quiet out there, but that’s to be expected in the middle of the afternoon. Dogs and people won’t be heard till the sun starts setting, and they’ll go on till 9:00-10:00.

Now, here’s the best news of the day: I got one new rat and three new mice! I’ll expand later.

Later…

That’s weird. You mean I could take the heat and he couldn’t? That’s a first. He’s not only a native, but I’m usually more sensitive to temperature than he is. He was going to take a nap but said he was too hot to sleep, so he fired up the generator so we could run the AC.

Hilda, Steven’s assistant, gave us the number to Palm Harbor’s factory so we could set up a tour appointment. Tom spoke to the guy he was referred to and was told we could go there Monday at 10:00 and see our house which will be half done by then! I guess that means they started building it today. Can’t wait! It’ll be interesting to see what it’ll look like half done.

After the continental breakfast at the hotel, and then a stop at the fast-food drive-through, we went to a pet store that was either in Mesa or Phoenix. I’m not sure which. They had a ton of Fancy mice and rats! They even had animals I’d never heard of before, like some weird-looking gerbil-like animals.

I originally wanted this gray rat, which the girl tried to claim was blue, but it was a female, so I got this cute little black rat. Actually, he’s dark brown. Darker than Porky, who I call Vanilla Belly these days. He has the same white hands and feet as Vanilla Belly, but he doesn’t have a patch on his belly.

He’s an energetic little guy, and I sure hope he’ll be big enough to live in their wire cage!

Anyway, the rats all get along with each other really well.

They had more variety of colors and markings than I’ve ever seen before with rats and mice. Got three mice - Mocha, Butter Rum, and Oreo. Oreo’s a black and white timid mouse who I doubt is pregnant. Butter Rum, who really has more of a butter rum, butterscotch color than Butterscotch the rat, who I call Polar Bear these days, could be pregnant, but I’m not sure. Mocha, the bravest mouse of all, is definitely pregnant and should deliver in around 10-15 days. Mocha’s colors resemble that of a wild mouse and an all-brown Fancy mouse like Cocoa was. She has a mix of different browns, and I personally think she’s the nicest looking. I have quite a variety of mice colors: white, brown, black, and gold. The rats have brown, crème, and white. They all have three different shades of brown, though.

I can’t wait to take pictures of them, get them set up in the house, etc.!

Oh, I forgot to mention that the house will be delivered on the 4th.

Later…

I am utterly amazed that I haven’t heard a sound yet. No dogs, no voices, just that engine.

I had to rescue Ratsy earlier, who got stuck in his wheel. The poor guy started squealing and was pinned between the wheel’s stand and support bar.

The mice are as cute to watch as the rats. Maybe even cuter. There’s only one little wheel in there since I didn’t know I’d be getting this trio before getting into the house. Sometimes there are up to three mice tumbling in it at once. Sometimes two mice run together side by side. Sometimes they squabble for no apparent reason, yet they don’t fight over food.

Butter Rum, whose fur looks gold in dim light, may or may not be pregnant, but Oreo and Mocha are for sure. At first I didn’t think Oreo was, as young as she is, but she is.

A little while ago Tom got us dinner at Dairy Queen. Their burgers are great.

THURSDAY, OCTOBER 28, 1999 We’re back at the Hampton, and Tom just went to bed.

I slept OK last night, got up at 8:00, then went to Casa Grande when he got in shortly afterward. I didn’t realize just how many papers there were to sign!

After getting a baked potato at Wendy’s, we decided to skip going to Palm Harbor’s factory since it was out of the way, and just come here to the hotel.

In order to get the top floor, which is something I always prefer, we had to take a smoking room. So, we’re on the 6th floor, the hotel’s only smoking floor, and man is it quiet. This is definitely the best place so far, but it is a bit early still. The closest rooms to us are right next door (I forgot some doors are next to each other here) and the two across from us. There’s no one on one side of us cuz there are vending machines there. Well, I don’t have to describe the place since we’ve been here before.

I brought bottled water to run through their coffeemaker to heat up water so I can have coffee that doesn’t taste like it’s laced with bleach.

Soon I’ll go enjoy a nice hot, relaxing bath in their nice clean modern tub which is identical to the Red Roof’s. Yeah, they have some of the same things. Same digital alarm clocks, same tubs, same lamps, same AC units. But unlike Red Roof, they’re serving cookies at 4:00, which I’ll go help myself to.

Sometime after 8:00, I’ll get him up to go to Denny’s.

Look at this! He’s not snoring at all. But if I were trying to sleep, he’d be snoring like hell! I’m hoping we can find a battery-operated sound machine by the weekend, so I won’t have to listen to his snoring while I’m trying to sleep.

From about sunset at 6:00 to about 9:00 or 10:00 is the noisiest time on our land. That’s when the dogs are barking. It still beats Phoenix!

Believe it or not, we don’t have to pay flood insurance at the new place even though there are three washes, possibly four, going through our land, yet we had to in a flat subdivision in Phoenix! And next door’s house wasn’t considered a flood zone. I think I’ll go take my bath now.

Later…

Ate a can of fish I brought, took my bath, and now I’m just gonna relax till it’s cookie time. I have three basic things to do…listen to tunes, read, or write.

We have our doubts that the house can be delivered on the 1st cuz we didn’t sign the papers till today. The good news, though, is that the house has to be there and ready for us by December 1st.

Tom’s still being as quiet as I wish he’d be when asleep all the time.

Although I no longer want a child, it bothers me to know that if I’d been naïve all along, and didn’t know he didn’t cum (especially during the first few years of marriage when we were “trying” to get me pregnant), he’d never have discussed it. Nor would he ever bring up fertility testing if I hadn’t. Just the fact that he’d never have come out and admitted to his not cumming, if he saw I didn’t know it and didn’t question it, bothers me. I just knew in my gut that he’d lie when it came to sex and stuff like that, and that’s why I did my little test about a year ago. The one where I’d make comments about us having so-called normal sex that he wouldn’t deny.

Although I don’t appreciate the dishonesty, at least I no longer want a child or care if he cums. As long as he’s happy, which he truly has to be, or else he’d complain and see a doctor. So, at least I can rest assured that he wants to be the way he is and that he’s perfectly OK with it. He wouldn’t have put up with it this long without liking things the way they are. I just think he should’ve leveled with me a little more, and from the get-go, although he did try to tell me, in his own way, by dropping certain comments, that he’d rather not have a child. I just didn’t want to hear or accept it at the time, although my journals will tell you that I’ve known all along when you read about all his resistance and his lack of appetite.

Having a low drive may truly be a part of him, but he didn’t have to live turned off cuz of his fears if he’d only been firmer. I’d have given in for him. Well, at least we’re on the same side now, and birth control and lack of cumming, and infrequent sex no longer matter.

Trio 2 is a good CD, but not as good as the one they did 10 years ago (Linda, Dolly, & Emmylou).

What a difference in how my life was when the first Trio album was released! All alone and broke, rotting away with no life whatsoever in a project in Mass. Just thinking of it makes me cringe! All the depression, frustration, anger, helplessness, and hopelessness I felt!

Well, I’ll finish up my before-the-house writing in my big blue book.

Later…

I hate it when one person says one thing and another says another thing. So cookie time isn’t really at 4:00. It’s at 5:00.

I couldn’t get out of the room cuz the inside latch got stuck and I had to get Tom up to figure out how to get it unstuck, and the poor guy bashed his fingers in the process. At least he was able to return to bed.

Well, I guess I’ll read till 5:00. Why are they serving cooking at dinner time, though?

Later…

Those cookies were great! I thought they’d be store-bought, but they were home-baked oatmeal raisin cookies. I couldn’t get any for Tom, cuz he hates raisins. I’m not overly fond of them myself, but I’m willing to pick them out and east the few I can’t.

What’s going on now? It was quiet all day, but now I hear a ton of door slamming. Can’t people make up their minds - in or out? Well, it is prime time for that, and technically, it’d be quiet enough come bedtime to sleep without the fan, but I’d rather not.

I almost had someone let me in here so I wouldn’t wake Tom again, but I finally got in after fighting with this so-called key. Red Roof has the better key. You slip a key-like thing in, it beeps, and you’re in. This thing, a piece of plastic like a credit card, doesn’t always release the door lock.

In disguised handwriting, I’m sending Bob a “death” letter rather than just disappearing. That way he’ll tell Kim. I could care less what Bob thinks, but I’d rather Kim think I died than that I dumped her. I didn’t literally “dump” her. I just moved on without giving her a way of keeping in touch. She’s just too far away and I felt it best not to bother. What kind of friendship can we really have anyway, with us on opposite sides of the country?

Anyway, in the letter, I claim to be Tom’s sister, reporting to a list of friends we left, that we died in a car wreck.

Later…

Tom and I walked across to Denny’s a while ago. He got a burger and I got a pot roast.

WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 27, 1999 Been writing journals for 12 years now.

Last night was the best I’d slept in quite a while. I slept straight through from 12:30 to 7:00, then I dozed till 8:00. I’m sure having the fan helped, or else I’d have woken up many times in between.

Tom should be here any time now.

Today we’ll be going to Casa Grande to sign some papers.

I let Tom get caught up on his sleep last night, and while he slept, I read 110 pages in my book, between writing and listening to music.

When Tom got up, he went to Circle K and got himself a hot dog, and me a brownie and some coffee. Shortly after, he went to Whataburger and got himself some fries, and me some chicken strips. Then he left and I conked out.

When I got up, I headed down to the lobby for the continental breakfast. As figured, they didn’t have as big of a selection, but what I got was still sufficient enough. I got a blueberry muffin and some coffee. Some apple juice, too.

I guess Sundays, Tuesdays, and Thursdays, will be the nights we stay in hotels.

After I finish this book, I’m gonna use my big, unlined sketchbook to finish up the time before the house. There’s no way I could fill up the whole book, and if I did, that’d mean we ran into a serious problem getting into the house.

Yesterday was pretty cloudy from the time I got up till we checked in here, and even afterward, too. It was a nice break from the usual glaring sun. If it actually rained, I wouldn’t know.

Later…

Tom just called. Says he’ll be here in 10 minutes and will call Casa Grande to make sure we can get out there today. I hope so! They can’t do the house without payments or signatures, and that house is due on the 1st. Less than a week!

We’re gonna check on the animals first since it’s on the way. Tom made a good suggestion last night - that I pop some popcorn in Circle K’s microwave as a treat for the animals. They certainly can’t have a whole bag, though, so I’ll eat most of it as I usually do and give them the rest.

Later…

I gave the animals their popcorn, changed their cages, and Tom called Casa Grande. We couldn’t sign the papers today, so we made an appointment for 10:00 tomorrow.

We went to Casa Grande today anyway, to do other things. It took us 10 minutes to get to Stanfield, and another 10 to get to Casa Grande. On our way, we went up to the higher desert which was even nicer than our land cuz it had saguaros and better mountain views. Yeah, life’s always about second best, but hey, it sure beats Phoenix!

It’s been dead quiet here ever since we returned at 4:00, but it’s a little too early for dogs and voices. It’s still pretty warm out there.

Anyway, we went to a Laundromat which was overrun with wild loud Mexicans, and walked to a furniture store with a pesky saleswoman while our clothes washed. After they dried, we went to a pet store. Large Fancy rats and Fancy mice are so hard to find. They did have small rats and Egyptian spiny mice that were cute, but probably too aggressive.

Then, we went to pick up the prescriptions I ordered, then to Arby’s drive-through. Lastly, we picked up a few things at a grocery store and drove by Palm Harbor’s factory where our house will be built. I’d love to see them build it, or at least give us a tour, so we’re gonna stop in there tomorrow.

We’ve also got to stop in the center of Maricopa to check out a truck I had a hot vibe on as we were passing by.

I’d go outside to read, but there are just too many damn flies. How sad, huh? If it isn’t noise, it’s flies. Does something not want me outdoors much? Well, I’ve never been that outdoorsy, anyway.

I still don’t understand why next door parked on the service road in between our properties. Even if they did have a ton of company, there’s plenty of room on 10 acres to park vehicles. I’d say, though, that no, they’re not Mexicans. They’re just not loud enough. I don’t hear any kids or music.

It’s amazing how much has changed since we moved. I’m not the talkaholic I was, Tom’s more talkative, and even the pig is, too. I don’t expect anything to change in bed, but I’d be lying if I said I wanted it to. I love Tom and I want to be with him forever, but nothing beats fantasy.

I wonder how long the sawdust will stay where it is? Both times I changed their cages, I dumped the sawdust by the front of the wash.

Later…

I don’t believe it. I just don’t fucking believe it! Then again, I can believe it. I’ve already heard someone’s music, but I don’t know if it was from a car or a house. At first I thought it was from next door, and I had heard voices from somewhere around here earlier, but it was coming from the opposite direction. It lasted 5 minutes and may’ve been country music. I highly doubt I could’ve heard it in a dual-paned windowed house, but just the fact that I did hear it tells me something. It tells me I’m still a magnet for noise. I mean, this is a totally nasty sign. You’re not supposed to hear that shit out here. We’re in the middle of the fucking desert, for Christ’s sake! Well, it still beats Phoenix, that’s for sure, cuz in Phoenix, you could hear them over loud fans.

The sunset dog barking was pretty mild this evening. There’s only one dog I’d die having next to me, cuz it has a very whiny, shrilly bark. Its yipping sounds more like shrieking.

Later…

Yes, other than the few shrieks I heard, and the music, it’s been a quiet, pleasant evening so far. That diesel engine hasn’t started up yet. That starts closer to 7:30, I think.

I went for a little stroll around the grounds earlier and for the first time in ages, I thought - wouldn’t it be nice to have a cigarette now? I like to keep my hands busy, which is kind of hard to do when you’re walking. I’d be terrified to live out here if I still smoked, though (it’s been 2 years now!). There’s no way they could rescue me in time and save me from the deadly attacks I used to have.

I still can’t believe I heard music, even though I can believe it at the same time, and even though I know my presence here will mean hearing more and more of that, I thought people out here wanted to be ignored. I thought they didn’t want attention.

Tomorrow night’s my pick, and I vote we return to the Hampton. We just may not get a room on the end like last time. I liked how their doors weren’t right smack next to each other like the Red Roof’s were, and like most hotels/motels are.

Tonight we’re gonna do what we did two nights ago; I’ll get him up when I’m ready for bed. Then he’ll go doze off or play computer games in the car till it’s time for him to head to work.

TUESDAY, OCTOBER 26, 1999 We’re in the Red Roof Inn right now. He’s sound asleep. The place isn’t as nice or as quiet as the Hampton Inn was, but it’s cheaper, and I’ve got my fan this time around. I may be sleeping at night these days, but what’s to say someone won’t slam a door an hour or two before I’d like to get up?

At least their water’s almost hot enough for my instant coffee.

Yesterday, I did manage to get more sleep, but I could’ve used even more. I woke up half a dozen times or so but was able to fall back to sleep. I crashed at around 11:30, and Velvet decided that at 8:30 he’d waited enough for his carrot. So he squealed for me, I got up and fed the animals, then waited for Tom.

Someone cut their hair while sitting in this chair, cuz there are hairs at the sides of the chair.

This place’s negs are that they have the same dark, dull colors (I guess they feel it’ll hide spills and stuff like that better), and there’s a lot more door-slamming.

Despite it being smaller, less attractive, and bangier, it’s suitable enough. If I can’t even sleep with the fan on, then no.

Tom was sweet enough to leave the trailer at 10:30 last night, so I couldn’t hear him or feel his movements. He dozed in the car a few more hours before work. He was pretty beat when he got to the trailer just before noon. But he called and found that our loan on the new house has gone through (I knew it would), we went to Denny’s, then to the post office where I got my two CDs.

Ashton-Drake never sent that pen and yearly planner like they said they were for ordering over $75 of stuff, so I’ll call them if we still haven’t gotten it in a week or so. I want it for Tom.

Anyway, we checked in here on the 3rd of 4 floors by 1:30, then he showered and crashed. I’m gonna try staying up till 11:00-midnight so he can have time to get caught up. Thank God he’s on nights throughout all this so I can have some nights where I can sleep without his snoring.

I also like the idea of doing the hotel scene every other day, so we can rotate between days where we have a decent shower, and where I can go to sleep not having to worry about doors slamming.

It was dead quiet from the time I got up and left the land. I’m sure it was quiet all night too, seeing how I slept. Like I said, it’s just late afternoons/early evenings that will have dogs barking. I just hope most of them stay off in the distance, but at least they can’t get within a few feet.

Later…

I’m listening to my new Heart CD as I write.

I crept out in search of food. Even though Tom told me to wake him if I got hungry, I want him to catch up on his sleep, so I found a vending machine in the lobby and got something for him for when he gets up.

They don’t give skin lotion, shampoo, or laundry bags here, and they certainly don’t have irons and ironing boards. No coffee maker, either. Just soap, toilet paper, towels, and the usual basics.

As I said, I hear a lot more door-slamming here because, with their lower rates, it’s bound to be full compared to the other place, so more people will be coming and going. Sleeping at night with the fan should be OK, though, but if it’s not, we won’t stay here again.

Friday and Saturday nights, we want to spend at the trailer or else we’ll really have to deal with a lot of people and noise, no matter where we go. I’d rather listen to Tom’s snoring than people banging.

I also heard what I think was the housekeeper vacuuming the hallway which took forever.

I realized something pretty sick and rather sad the other day. After one of his visits to his mother, I had asked what the latest gossip and complaint about me was. He said nothing was said to him because they know he’ll tell me. That’s when it hit me - Evie told his mom who told Tom cuz she knew he’d tell me, and that’s what she wanted. What a wimp you are, Ev! What a sneaky way to get someone to do something you don’t have the guts to do, and why is she such a coward, anyway? That sly, little deceptive shit!

Speaking of shits, the shit black in Phoenix will hear from me tomorrow at the earliest, and Friday at the latest. Enjoy your reading material, you fucker! I wonder what blacks or Mexicans are next to me tonight. A white guy is across the hall.

I sent the excellent ratings I gave the Hampton, and this place will get a ‘fair’ report card. I mentioned the hair, cobweb, and door-slamming (there’s a huge cobweb over the door). The hair and cobwebs are nothing, though. I’m just an observant person, and they asked. I’ll leave the card in the room, as well as a page from here which I had been writing notes on.

MONDAY, OCTOBER 25, 1999 We’re now on our way to Mel’s, after having lunch at IHOP. I got pancakes, eggs, and undercooked bacon.

The hotel was the best we’ve stayed at since we’ve known each other, but his snoring’s really been robbing me of sleep. I guess for now we’re gonna stay in hotels every other day. Tonight we’ll be in the trailer, and thankfully he won’t be in at 6:30 snoring. So now just the animals can wake me up. Or my having to pee. Or just because. I really don’t think I’m gonna be able to sleep 8 hours straight through till after we get into the house, but at least I’m not sick. I still don’t wheeze, my lungs are OK, I’m just tired.

He won’t get back till around noon tomorrow, which is good, but he won’t be leaving till around 12:30 tonight. Much later than I want to be up, but hopefully, he won’t wake me up if I fall asleep before he leaves.

Their complimentary breakfast was good. They had a good selection.

Later…

We’re now at Mel’s. At least we got here only 20 minutes early and not 45.

Anyway, the only noise I heard at the hotel was the housekeeper bopping around at 8:30, but if I had slept longer, I wouldn’t have slept past 8:30 anyhow.

After this, we’re gonna go straight to the trailer where I’m gonna be lazy for the rest of the day.

I forgot to add that the hotel was much darker at night than that dive in Snotsdale was. Also, it had a flat carpet. The carpet in the trailer, which is a yellow/gold color, is plush.

Later…

Went to my appointment, but haven’t mailed the bitch’s mail yet. We will within the next few days. We were just so beat and we wanted to get back to the trailer as soon as we could.

I’ll also be mailing a little survey the hotel provided. I gave them excellent ratings. Tom liked how I put “lots” next to “position.” Well, I do lots of things.

I told Mel I was gonna stick with her at least for a while. She said, “Good.” Also, that purple was my color (I was wearing a purple dress). The doctor came in and tightened my retainers, and I’ll see them again in 4 weeks.

Is there really no place on Earth that’s totally quiet? I guess no home is completely free of other people’s noise, or other people’s dog’s noise. If there is, God simply won’t allow it for me. Although there’s still no comparison to our old place, all the area’s dogs can really get to be a bit annoying at certain times of the day. Again, they’re nowhere near as loud as the collies, and we won’t hear them in a dual-paned windowed house, but once again, I can’t enjoy the outdoors in peace. I give up. I totally give up. This isn’t just one dog, either. It’s obvious there’s a kennel somewhere around here, or as Tom suggested, maybe racing dogs. There are at least three dogs that go on and on for hours, but there could also be a dozen of them. It’s hard to tell for sure, but there are a lot of them.

Also, I see new utility poles nearby. Tom said they may’ve always been there, and they’re still miles away. I’m pretty observant, though, and I think they’re the first sign of how I vibed the place would build up as soon as we got here.

He also reminded me that we could sell our land and house in a few years and make a ton of money so he doesn’t have to work and go 100 miles from people (we’d split the land into 4 properties). Yeah, but moving’s a bitch, I really want to stay here, and where would we go? God would only have someone and their dog move close enough to be a bother. And this is nothing. The barking’s gonna get almost as bad as Phoenix was once the surrounding properties get dogs. It’s better than those fucking stereos, though.

I thought I also heard screaming as if someone was getting attacked by these dogs, but I couldn’t be sure. These dogs have got to be a mile away, even though sound carries a little better out here cuz it’s so flat. Yeah, wait till the dogs get on all the surrounding properties as I said. The mountains are too far away to block sound, but we are gonna put up a block wall. Not as close to the house as in Phoenix so it doesn’t enhance sound, but enough to ward off surrounding sounds.

Tom doesn’t think it’s building up in this direction, but like I said, it will now that I’m here. I’m gonna be stubborn, though. I do not want to leave this beautiful land and what will be our beautiful house. Maybe I’m not getting my hopes up for no reason for once by hoping it’ll be quieter in a well-insulated house, and I don’t have to be outside all that much. It’s either too hot or too cold for the most part, and I hate all the flies. You just can’t casually stroll around here without the possibility of encountering a snake at night and without the more definite possibility of encountering ants during the day. When you sit still, flies won’t leave you the fuck alone.

Later…

The shouts and barks are still going on. Just what is this place and what are they doing?

Now I hear an older voice that may be closer. A white service van of some kind just headed towards the houses behind us, but I can’t say for sure that that’s where it went and that that’s where the voice came from. Well, in another hour or two, people should head indoors as the cold rapidly closes in, and the dogs should settle down.

I think I’ll go listen to music.

Later…

The "kennel" has settled down. All I heard, but only for a minute, was some adult voices. They were coming from either behind us or from the opposite side of the kennel. I heard a middle-aged woman and a young to middle-aged guy. I’d rather a few spurts of distant voices than hours of distant barking. And I sure as hell don’t want any close barking or bass.

The analyst in me says the voices are from the houses behind us (they sound white!). I also get the feeling there’s something going on too, and that this isn’t an ordinary hang-out-at-night-when-the-temperature’s-pleasant-and-chat kind of thing. At least whatever’s going on is good. The voices sounded pretty jovial, and I even heard some laughter.

I just hope I can sleep tonight. I really need to catch up on my sleep. I won’t count on it, though. Not till we get into the house and I can run a soft fan.

I hear ducks or geese, but they’re no bother.

I hear that engine running as I usually do, but it sounds different tonight. Actually, it sounds more like a vehicle running. Something with a bassy idle like our car has. Now it’s slowly fading. Nope. Still going. It just faded for an instant.

Later…

The well, or the diesel truck, or whatever it is, began running at 8:30. A little later than usual. I like this thing, though, cuz it provides some background noise, even if it isn’t much. It only stays on till around midnight, though.

Tom woke up for a minute and said those voices couldn’t have come from behind us cuz the place is too deserted. After he said this, I saw someone drive up and park in between us and next door, suggesting that other cars were filling up the space closer to the house. I heard the car door shut, then saw someone get out and go to the house, but of course, it was too dark to see who it was. So I guess they were having a party and needed more space to park. You can’t park just anywhere on their land, and these people have 4-5 vehicles. Mostly old trucks, and who knows if they all run or not.

Judging by their vehicles and their house, I’d say these people aren’t very nice and that they aren’t very easy-going. What do you expect, though? They’re next to me.

Their house is older and uglier and has been around for a while. Of course they also have those two little shacks that are falling apart with smashed windows that are on a corner of their land closest to us. I’d say they’re the ugliest things around here. Anyway, their house is no big beautiful manufactured home, and they’ve probably been there for a long time.

They’ve hung out laundry today and yesterday. I get the feeling there are a lot of them, they’re poor, and not all of them work. This, coupled with what God’s had in store for me the last few years, made me think all the more that these were Mexicans, but those voices I heard, if they were truly from over there, sounded pretty white to me.

Also, where are the millions of kids Mexicans have? I’d think there’d be more evidence of it if lots of kids were over there. I’d hear them. Not like I heard the Phoenix kids, blacks, or Mormonettes, but I’d have to hear something to tell me they were there. So if they exist, they’ve been unusually quiet.

I just can’t wait to get into the comfort of that big, gorgeous new house with its master bedroom windows surrounded and insulated by other rooms. Actually, every room in that house except for the master bath will have just one exterior wall. The master bath will have two.

Tom’s asleep now. He told me that although he doesn’t have to leave till 1:00, to wake him up when I’m ready to crash, and he’ll leave. He said he’d go play computer games in the car or something. That’s sweet of him, but he hasn’t had much sleep either, and so I’m gonna let him sleep till 10:00. It’d be wonderful if I could sleep from, say, 11:00-7:00, or even 10:30-8:30, but I know better than to even think I could do this. Either it’ll be too hot or too cold and that’ll wake me up. Or the animals will, or I’ll just wake up just because and not be able to fall back asleep for a while. Or maybe a person or an animal will wake me up.

SUNDAY, OCTOBER 24, 1999 We are now just off the freeway that goes to our land at the Hampton Inn in Chandler. Although it’s $69 which is over our $40 limit, it’s really nice. At least so far it is. It’s a far cry from the Siesta Suites. The only thing we’ve heard so far was the housekeeper slamming a nearby door. The doors here aren’t right next to each other either, but we do have a room right across from us. We’re at the end of the 5th floor. There are 6 floors in all. I deliberately picked something with more than 2 floors. Once you get over 2-3 floors, they really have to build things firmer and thicken walls and floors up.

I’ve been tired for the last couple of days, but fortunately, he’s returning to work tonight so I can get some sleep without his damn snoring! Even if no bangs of any kind wake me, though, I’m sure I’ll wake up once or twice cuz I’m in a place I’ve never slept before. That seems to be my habit these days anyway.

Even though I was tired this morning, I couldn’t have slept much past 8:30 if I wanted to. I guess my body is just not used to sleeping past that anymore. I may take a nap today like I occasionally do.

I’ll write more about our hotel later.

Later…

We just returned from Denny’s. I got a nice steak and shrimp dinner and he got a burger.

This is a wonderful hotel so far, and you get so much with it. There’s a little coffeemaker with coffee, dry cream and sugar, an iron and ironing board, a digital alarm clock, and a big TV with HBO. I’m not interested in TV, but of course, Tom is. He likes TV more than sex. We screwed yesterday in the trailer, but we wouldn’t have if I hadn’t brought it up. We could make the time for it just about every day, but neither of us is very interested. He was only up top yesterday for a minute or two, cuz it was very hot in the trailer. What was neat, though, was how easy it was for me to start with him up top since there was no room for our side position which sort of forms a T, where he’s on his side and I’m on my back.

I revved him up by hand before our brief screw, and man did he get hard! I still can’t imagine getting that excited without releasing it. Ugh! He has major control, restraint, and determination, on top of his fears.

Melanie, or Tisha, never left my appointment reminder message. Why, I don’t know. My only guess is that they’re too cheap to call long-distance.

Anyway, the only negs to this place are its ugly, dark, dull colors, and its bathroom floor. It’s a rough sort of odd-textured tile.

The bathroom’s great. It’s roomy and has lots of counter space. It was great taking a bath in the nice clean, roomy, modern tub.

I washed my exercise mat’s cloth cover in the tub and hung it to dry. I put the foam part under the cover sheet and blanket (I’ll cover myself with the bedspread) which has a nice velvety feel to it.

I hope I get caught up on my sleep tonight with Tom not around and with being able to have a more stable temperature in here. Last night I went to bed sort of warm and awoke in the middle of the night freezing like Tom did a few nights ago. I had to wake him up to light the pilot and heat the place up.

Although I’d like to stay here, it is rather expensive, so we decided that for the fun of it, we’d stay at a different place each night. I don’t know how “fun” that’ll be if we end up in a 2-story motel, though, but we’re gonna take turns picking. He suggested we stay at the Super 8 tomorrow (which I think will be noisy), and I suggested the Red Roof Inn the next night, which is a hotel identical to this place.

We checked boxes before leaving the land this morning, and Tom found the bitch’s mail, so it will go out as planned.

Even though I’m kind of tired, I’m really enjoying today. It’s been a while since we’ve had a day off to relax and go at a leisurely pace, but tomorrow it’s back to sitting in the car and dealing with traffic and construction as we go from place to place. It’s good to be busy and active, though. Gotta go to Mel’s, the post office, and hopefully to Casa Grande to sign the house’s loan papers. Naturally, we’ll also go to the trailer to feed the animals.

Tom’s gonna have to call the Budget Suites tomorrow. This was the place that didn’t allow animals that we were gonna stay at till we settled on the Siesta Suites. We had made reservations, then canceled. Well, these little moochers stole $58 from our credit card. Fucking thieves! What a spiteful thing to do all cuz we canceled. I’m worried about the dive we stayed in. What are they gonna help themselves to? They’re my real concern.

Later…

So much for getting all excited over the coffeemaker. Their coffee tastes like shit and the water tastes like bleach, as Arizona water usually does, so it made my instant French vanilla taste shitty, too. Maybe I’ll just have my wake-up cup and get my English toffee coffee at Circle K till I can get a cheap warming plate for the places that don’t have coffeemakers and my water filter.

I’d never have worked at the Harley Hotel in Enfield, CT if it had been anything like this what with all the extra things there are to clean.

I polished my nails. Each one’s a different color - pink, light blue, dark blue, light purple, dark purple, yellow, white, black, red, and green.

SATURDAY, OCTOBER 23, 1999 Tom and I returned not too long ago from doing something I’m getting pretty sick of - running errands.

It looks like the fat tub of shit’s not gonna get her mail next week after all. I can’t find her envelope. It’s here somewhere, but she’s not worth tearing things apart for. It’ll just have to wait till we get into the house, but she’ll get it.

I was right about strongly vibing the white trash and the blacks would be there while we were, cuz get this - the blacks next door were moving when we were there. The older animal nearly ran Tom over running around the corner.

Can you believe the black lady next door smiled at us? Does she even realize we were the ones to complain on her? I’ve never heard of anyone smiling at someone that complained on them. Especially out here. Normally people are furious with you for complaining on them. Especially when it’s about noise.

Also, I think the blacks below us may’ve moved too, cuz there was a different car in that spot.

The white trash, however, will be there at least till the painting’s done. They’re now painting the studios. Yeah, it figures they’d do our building while we were there and not after. In the end, though, there wasn’t as much in the way of projects as I thought there’d be. Just noise from kids and movement within the building.

I waited in the car while he turned in the keys, cuz I knew that if I went in that office, and if that lying little cock looked at me wrong, I’d kill the little shit. As it turns out, he never said anything to Tom.

Before going to the apartment, we went to a place in Phoenix I had a hot vibe on. I was right. It turned out that there was a truck within our price range, but we didn’t like the looks of it.

After leaving the apartment, we went to Ace Hardware where we found that Durham’s rock-hard putty we need, and I also got a nice plastic step ladder. They were giving away free bags of popcorn, too.

From Ace, we headed here, stopping in Maricopa at Dairy Queen. It’s hard to believe this is also Maricopa. This here is so rural and remote, and the center of Maricopa’s rather ugly with its scummy junkyard and all.

We timed it today, and we’re about 40 minutes from the freeway and 20 minutes from Circle K.

Later…

I’m sitting outside now with Tom. We also got fly strips at Ace too, and we put two indoors and two outdoors. So far, I’d say it’s worthless.

Later…

Tom just went in to lie down, but I think it’s too hot inside the trailer so I’ll stay out here, even though the flies are totally annoying. I haven’t heard much from the area’s dogs yet. It’s still a little early for that. Dogs usually do their barking between 7:00-10:00 PM, so I’ve noticed.

The view from where I’m sitting on this little beach chair looks so cool. The taller mountains are towards the back and the sides of the property, but when I sit down facing the front, I’m below most of the trees, so it looks like we could be on a cliff since the sky comes down into the little trees and clumps of sage. Sitting down and looking towards the sides and back, though, you can see the mountains.

Later…

The sun has just reached the mountain tops in back, so it won’t be long before it’s set and this trailer can begin to cool off. It’s hard to believe we’ll be freezing and in the 50s late at night if we don’t use the heater. It’s cold at night and hot during the day. Whenever you’re far away from an ocean, you have a wider temperature swing between night and day.

Later…

Tom ran out to Circle K. I ran around outside for a while, enjoyed the beautiful sunset, and sang.

There’s a full moon out. On the 7th there’ll be a new moon.

The house is due in on the 1st, it’s to be inspected on the 8th, and he thinks we’ll be moving in on the 12th. I still fear rain, or something, will delay us till November 20-something, but I sure hope I’m wrong and that I lose our bet. Meli is a beautiful doll, but I’d rather move sooner and wait on her.

I’ve begun drinking a glass of prune juice every day to help with regularity. It seemed to help at first, but I haven’t gone today or yesterday.

Tom put pieces of foam - the same kind air conditioners use - between the screens and windows. This is to filter some of the dust the workers will be kicking up when they bring in the house and dig the septic and the well.

It’s already gotten much more comfortable in here, but just an hour ago, we were boiling.

I hear that engine running now. It seems to run from sundown to around 11:00.

I also hear different dogs in the distance all around me. Sometimes the barking is in spurts, sometimes it’s pretty consistent. Again, it’s nothing like the collies were, and it probably won’t be audible at all in the house.

I don’t fear coming across a coyote, cuz they’re very timid and wouldn’t go near a person, unlike wolves, which travel in packs, but all the ants out here make me pretty damn nervous. I’d be pretty scared to run across a rattlesnake, too. Another thing we may encounter would be a stray dog, and you’d be hard-pressed to find a household out here with no dog. Also, if they don’t allow them in their homes in the city, then they’re really not gonna allow them in their homes out here, and there’s certainly no leash laws here. You just don’t take your dogs indoors in the southwest, and you let them roam free in the remote desert areas. The only thing out here I think there’d be laws on confining would be horses and cattle.

We see that crop duster flying around a lot.

I think Tom’s back.

Later…

Ashley, who’s never really been healthy, and who’s always been sort of hunch-backed, was wheeling for about a minute or so. She never usually wheels, either. Not like Katie. She wheels a lot. Even in the daytime.

I forgot to mention that the two little houses in back, that are where the land’s divided into four lots, have had front lights on. I don’t know why, though, cuz the houses are obviously empty. All we could see between the two houses was a refrigerator. It was sitting in the middle of one’s kitchen. Their power poles look new, cuz the newer ones are metal, not wood. Our guess is that people are moving in little by little. It may take them a few months, but it fits with my vibes. I tell you, it’s gonna build up around us over the next year as we get settled. Oh, it may never get like Phoenix, but I’m talking about the lots surrounding us. And like I said, people and music may not be a problem for a while, but we could easily get boxed in by dogs. God would have me stuck with dogs too. And I know he’ll have me next to off-brands at the hotel we end up at. Or with freeloaders. My guess is that he’ll black out on me, before siccing Mexicans on me, but they’re just as bad. They’re all the same, but God forbid he put a white person next to me! Hell no! It’d be a sin for me to be allowed to have a white person next to me. There was to the left us in Scottsdale. Yeah, after we started roughing it out here.

Tom’s listening to the first game of the World Series on the trailer’s radio.

We’re not gonna bother turning on the heat and setting the thermostat tonight. We’re just gonna bundle up. To tell you the truth, I’ve been sweating my ass off so much that a little cold will be a nice, refreshing break. Yes, I’d rather be cold for a change. Just a few nights a year, though.

I’m packing about a week’s worth of stuff, even though we’ll be coming here daily to feed the animals. Even though I’m not looking forward to leaving here and returning to the smog, crowds, and noise, we’re both looking forward to having some elbow room for a change and to being able to plug things in at all times, rather than only when our gas-powered generator’s running for a few hours. Real showers and toilets will be nice to have again, too.

This 70s Terry trailer really looks 70s with its wood grain paneling and its upholstery design/color. The only good thing about the 70s, in my opinion, was its music and its TV.

It’s hard to believe I’m nearly halfway done with this journal and I began it barely two weeks ago.

I sat outside with the mister to try to get a little color. Tom says I’m burning, but I don’t see it. Nor do I feel it.

As much as I love Tom and spending time with him, I’m kind of glad his vacation is over and that I’ll be alone at night. His snoring is getting old. By the time he’s ever on days, and we’re both asleep at night, we’ll be in the house. I don’t know if we’ll ever sleep together or not. As long as we’re together, happy, and healthy; that’s what’s most important. You never know, though. I was wrong when I said I could never quit smoking or get on a schedule (it’s been 2 years since I quit!). The only thing I know I could never be wrong about is having a kid, but that’s fine with me.

Later…

Well good, I did a duty. My stomach was kind of gassy, so now I feel better.

Tom went to bed a little while ago, and when I do, I’m gonna pull the accordion-like thing that separates the back from the front to muffle his snoring a bit. This divider was mostly created to block sight rather than sound, but it should lessen it slightly.

Usually, when I do my journaling, I type notes on stuff I want to write up at the end of the file I’m typing in. Here in this paper journal, I’m writing notes on the last page, since it’s quicker and easier to flip to the back of this book to glance at notes. As each page gets full, I’ll tear them out. They’ll go to Andy, along with the house/land pictures I plan on sending him. The same ones I’ll send Tammy, Dureen and Art.

Speaking of Tammy, boy, is she about to get a strange and confusing piece of mail! From Bob to me. Yeah, I thought she might get a kick out of it. I wrote to Bob, whom I just received a boring letter from, letting him know I’m at a relative’s house in Salem, CT, and that he can mail me his visiting hours there so I can try to visit him. The sucker will definitely fall for it too, so there Tammy will be, receiving wacky mail from this inmate.

As I said, I never bothered giving any numbers or our address to Bob, Kim or Paula.

When describing the trailer, did I mention it has Venetian blinds? Well, it does. I try to keep them shut on the west side as much as I can. I’ve been keeping them shut at night too, to block out the moonlight.

I haven’t done any reading yet and I don’t know when I will. At least my books aren’t library books so I don’t have to worry about deadlines.

I wish I knew which box I threw that fat bitch’s shit in!

It’s quiet out there tonight dog-wise. One of the things I love about the house we’re getting is how only one bedroom wall is an exterior wall. You usually have two exterior walls in bedrooms. Even though there’ll only be one, and even though we’re out here, I plan on sleeping with the fan on low, but not my big box fan. I’ll use our wimpy fan on a stand. This way it’ll keep the air circulating like I like, and I don’t have to worry if Tom drops anything, for example, or if the animals have a night where they’re louder than usual. Remember, they’re gonna be right outside the bedroom, and I plan to go from 6 rodents to about 16 rodents.

FRIDAY, OCTOBER 22, 1999 Another day of roughing it out in the desert! It sure beats living with blacks, Mexicans and noisy kids.

I jogged around the property at sunset. I’ve been jogging around the property a lot to release all my energy that gets bottled up due to sitting in the car all day while we run errands.

The view is just as beautiful at night as it is in the daytime. At night the mountains form really neat silhouette shapes around most of the area, but in a little corner of the property, you can see city lights miles away in the distance.

Besides seeing lots of lizards and quails, we saw a coyote! It was neat to finally see one, but it wasn’t here that we saw it. We were still on the freeway about a half-hour from here when we saw one dart across the road. It was so cute. Looked a lot like a fox.

I can’t wait to get into the house, set it up, and have use of the computer again! There’s just no room to set it up in the trailer.

So far, the only thing around here that could be annoying would be if next door’s dog were to bark a long time while we were outdoors. You wouldn’t really hear it, though, in a regular house.

When our house is set up, our house will be about 400’ from next door. That sure beats 3’, huh?

As I said, they subdivided these lots in ‘58, and we read up on some of their rules out here.

You can’t build closer than 50’ to the front of your property (I assume the same goes for the back) and no closer than 25’ to the sides.

You can’t have more than one house per acre. If our land were in the city, there’d be 60 houses on it!

Ain’t it ironic how we whites stole the Indian’s land, yet they’re protecting our land? Yes, the AK-Chin reservation goes through Maricopa, so it buffers it and protects us from the expanding cities. Cities like Phoenix, Chandler, Mesa, and Scottsdale are really growing fast, but due to the way the reservation borders near where we are, we won’t have to worry.

Between that, and the fact that yes, my lungs are actually better. Boy, do I fear compensation!

We’ll have to check out the new casino on the Gila River Indian reservation soon, but we did spontaneously pop in AK-Chin’s Harrah’s casino, which we’ve been in before, and we each lost about $20. It was fun, even though my vibes always told me we were never destined to win anything big.

Maricopa’s a nice, but weird town. You get the impression it’s a separate town - us and its central street. We go through its main street to get here, and you also get the impression it’s a one-street town. Its side streets are sort of hidden.

As of tomorrow, this trailer becomes a weekend retreat. Tom wants to stay in a hotel, a real hotel with more than 2 floors, so he can have access to a shower he’s not so cramped in and that doesn’t have wimpy pressure.

There may be no comparison in noise (although I’m sure I’ll hear doors slamming), and it may be more comfortable and roomier, but I’ll miss being out here. Still, it’ll be nice to plug in a fan and my portable CD player, so it won’t all be bad.

Haven’t done any reading since we got here, which has been nearly a week, so I think I’ll read soon. I want to write a bit more first.

Amazingly, I’ve written nearly 40 pages so far. It’ll be much easier typing this up, cuz of its spiral binder.

I still want to describe this trailer and our land, but first I’ll cover today’s errands.

First we ate at Denny’s, stopped to pick up our mail, then went to the apartment to get a load of stuff. All that’s left will fill only half of the car. It was amazingly quiet while we were there, but weekdays tend to be quieter till those animals get in around 4:30. Although they’re not peaceful, they really did quiet down in the end, but I guess they’ve figured out that we’re hardly there lately, cuz they were wild when we were there a few days ago. I’m sure it’ll be rocking this weekend too, but at least we’re checking out!

We also went on a wild goose chase trying to find all the doll supplies Jamie listed for me.

Got another state coin today. They’re quarters. We’ve got Georgia, Delaware, Maryland, and Connecticut. I think. We may have New Jersey, too. I can’t remember what we have for sure until I unpack.

Anyway, I called Jamie from the apartment to ask about Jade’s dress, but it won’t be ready for a few weeks. Oh. I thought it’d be ready in a few days, but there’s no hurry.

After looking in four different craft stores, as well as Wal-Mart, we got the white tacky glue, what’ll hopefully be long enough needles (although we’d have preferred upholstery needles), silicon, 18-gauge wire, batting, and I think that’s it, cuz we couldn’t find the putty we needed.

Got a 17” super thin vinyl doll to practice making clothes on. I want to learn how to do patterns. Anyway, for a cheap vinyl doll that costs $6 or $7, she’s nice. I don’t know if she’s supposed to be a white doll with a tan or a Latin doll, but she has a pleasant enough face with nice curly brown long hair.

We went to a drugstore and were unable to find fly strips, but we got the nail clippers we needed, cup holders, a tarp for the generator, more plastic silverware, trash and freezer bags, and the best thing of all - a personal mister. I love it! I wish I got it as soon as I came to Arizona. It’ll make tanning a lot easier. It’ll run steadily for 20 minutes. The water goes in a sports bottle and you can strap it over your shoulder, around your neck, or set it down somewhere. The part where the mist comes from has a clip on it, so you can clip it to your shirt if you want or to whatever. They had black, blue, green and purple. I got purple.

I forgot to say that we’ll still be coming to the trailer daily to feed the animals. How I wish they didn’t exist just till we got into the house! We should’ve tried to have them boarded at a pet store or somewhere, even though I’d miss them.

I stopped for Chinese take-out on our way back here, then he got a hot dog at our closest Circle K in Maricopa 20 minutes away, and I got my favorite new coffee - English toffee cappuccino. It’s great and you don’t need to add cream or sugar.

Still haven’t heard from the people who bought our house. Who knows if they’ll take our offer and who knows if they’re living there yet or if they’re remodeling? We drove by there the other day and saw no people or cars there. As for the Mexicans - all we saw was the van. No cream pickup, other vehicles, or people. I’ll be mailing that fat bitch’s mail out the day I see Mel, next Monday, so she should get it Wednesday or Thursday. Less than a week, Deb!

Let me break, then I’ll get into land/trailer descriptions.

Later…

You’d think it was a streetlight, but it’s actually the moon that’s glowing out there. It’s nearly full. I can’t wait for a moonless night out here so I can see all the stars. We talked about getting a telescope.

Tammy’s considered remote where her house is, and it is for being in New England, but this is remote. It takes about 20 minutes just to get to our nearest stores, like a gas station, convenience store, and Dairy Queen. There are a few other things there too, like a school and a church. The nearest grocery store, though, is about 40 minutes away. We’ll probably try to do biweekly grocery runs, rather than weekly, and throughout most of the year, we’ll need a cooler or else our frozen stuff will spoil before we can get it here.

Anyway, although the land lacks saguaros, prickly pears, Joshua trees, and ocotillos, it sure is gorgeous. Besides, we can plant those kinds of cactuses and some palm trees. There are no organ pipes, either. Just lots of sage, Palo Verde trees, a few barrel cactuses, and lots of gopher, ant, and maybe even snake holes.

There are up to four washes running through here, but two definite main washes. We plan to put the house just behind the front one where we have a couple of pretty tall trees. Although most of our trees are shorter than me, these are at least 10-12 feet high. We’ll make some sort of bridge to get across the wash, what’ll be neat; having a little river run through here when it rains. Although I suppose it’d be more appropriate to call it a stream or a brook. There are a lot of “bald spots,” just open, bare patches of hard-packed dirt (I wish I had my roller-skates) which really helped us when it came to driving the trailer in here. We went out and got shovels and rakes, just in case we had to clear a path. This was before we were as familiar with our land as we are now, although there’s still more to explore and learn.

The 27’ trailer is what I’d describe as being simple. They certainly have nicer, newer, bigger trailers than Dennis’, but it’s no little piece of shit, either. You walk into the living room/kitchen area with its 2 beds (we use the one on top for storage), a table we don’t bother to use, and its kitchen with cabinets, an oven, and a refrigerator. There are 4 main windows in this area. There are a total of 3 ceiling windows too, which we crank open. In the back, or close to it, is a bed (this is where I sleep. He sleeps in front), more cabinets, and a little counter. In the very back is the bathroom. I’m amazed that it’s got a tub. I thought it’d be just a shower stall.

All in all, this thing has pretty good cabinet and drawer space, but we sure could use triple this amount!

There are 2 windows in the back bedroom and one in the bathroom.

THURSDAY, OCTOBER 21, 1999 Oh, these damn flies! Why are there so many of them out here? Well, they’re better than spiders and rattlesnakes.

Anyway, I’m sweating my ass off now while he’s taking our daughter to one of her millions of appointments. Thank God for Mary and Dave, though!

I should’ve taken his offer to go to the apartment, but oh well. It could be much worse. It could be 110º-115º, but it’s about 95º outside the trailer and about 90º inside the trailer. I had to stay inside while the sun was straight up at noon, cuz neither side of the trailer had any shade.

We were only gone for about an hour this morning getting more water for the trailer, some coffee for me, etc. I’m trying to lay off the food. All that hard work that it took me over a year to do in order to get down around 110 pounds has been thrown away. I’m an easy 120-125 pounds.

Anyway, neither of us has heard a sound all day (just flies buzzing) and I’ve seen only two vehicles go by all day. That same white pickup I saw yesterday and a furniture truck. This truck is from the same place we bought our living room set at, so maybe they do deliver out here, even though we were told otherwise. If we can’t find a truck, we’ll get a trailer and haul the furniture out ourselves. The living room set I chose is not what I originally had in mind. It’s better. It’s a beautiful, plush black crushed velvet set with gold trim. We got three gold and glass tables, along with a couch, a loveseat, and a chair. I want to get one of those cool-looking spider lamps, too.

I would love to explore the grounds now, but it’s just too hot, and it could be dangerous at night. That’s when snakes and ants are out, among God only knows what else, although he and I are beginning to doubt we even have any snakes here.

We haven’t seen any coyotes (we think we’ve heard some, though), or roadrunners, but we did see a quail pass by on our way back in this morning.

Tom said he “thought” he heard a baby for a split second this morning, but he couldn’t be certain. Well, I did see a young, motherly-looking woman and a toddler on our south side. They’re our only neighbors for now (I still can’t get a sure make on their color) but I just hope it stays this quiet if people move in behind us and to our north and front! It’s just too hot and dangerous for kids to wander around out here, so I guess the worst noise you could get could only come from dogs, as long as people keep their music to themselves. That’s the whole idea out here in this remote area, though. Everyone’s out here for the same reasons; to get away from civilization and other people’s noise.

Once he gets back, we’re gonna go to the apartment to take a shower there, even though their showers are very windy. Yeah, there’s more air than water. Poor Tom’s cramped in this shower, and there’s very little water pressure.

We won’t get there till the kids are out of school and are there screaming, but I still have the fan there. Another few days and we’ll be completely out of there.

Why the fuck were those kids on vacation in October, though? I thought you had time off through Christmas and New Year’s, and a week in April.

There’s a gentle breeze out now and if it weren’t for that, I’d be mighty hot.

Let’s see…another negative to the land, besides the possibility of snakes, a ton of ants, and all these bugs, are the weeds. They’re the same kind we had in Phoenix and they’re a bitch cuz they have little stickers within them.

I’ll get to the land’s positives later.

Later…

He’s still not back yet, even though the bitch’s appointment was at 1:00.

I brought the pig out who’s sitting by my feet. That’s the great thing about guinea pigs - they stay where you put them. The rats, though, have to be held when taken outside.

Still not a sound. I love it! Al H would hate it. I remember he hated how quiet Sun City was. Well, living like this isn’t for everyone. Some people like the noise and the action of the city. And the crowds.

The more shaded the front side of the trailer gets, the more pleasant it is.

Later…

We returned from Denny’s a little while ago, and on our way out, Tom tried to win me a pink teddy bear. That’s become kind of a Denny’s tradition for us. It’s one of those machines with a claw, and you try to grab a stuffed animal, but I really think it’s designed to be deliberately impossible to win cuz the claw seems way too flimsy to hold even the tiniest stuffed animal. It’s a clever way to make a few extra bucks, though.

Tom said he hates Phoenix more and doesn’t miss it at all, cuz driving through it was the nightmare it usually is what with all the traffic and construction.

I guess no one’s mad at me for anything and no one wants to gossip about me. Well, if they did, they certainly wouldn’t tell Tom, cuz they know he’d tell me. It’s still too bad they didn’t have the nerve enough to confront me directly with anything that might’ve upset them, but truthfully, if they’re rude enough to badmouth me behind my back, I don’t give a shit if I rubbed anyone the wrong way. If you don’t have the guts to face me, I cannot respect you.

I can now hear some dogs barking. It seems to be mostly a morning and evening thing, although I don’t think we heard any dogs this morning.

I wanted to clean around the wash, but it was just too damn hot. The days are hotter out here while the nights are cooler.

I found a couple of weird things: an old rusty knife blade, and an old rusty pair of small scissors.

We yanked Trail’s End’s for-sale sign out and laid it down, but I guess they’re in no hurry to get it back.

I had the pig outside today. He sat where I put him, for the most part, but he did decide to go waddling down to the front wash, so I had to grab him and bring him back. It’s a good thing GPs aren’t as fast as rats.

Tom and I made a bet earlier. I say it’ll rain and delay us from moving into the house as fast as we can. He says on November 12th we’ll move in. If he’s right, he gets to buy $200 worth of computer stuff ASAP. If I’m right about rain stalling the move, I get to get Meli ASAP. Meli’s the oriental doll I want. Her kit’s $200. I’ll buy her naked, though, and get her an outfit somewhere else for a fraction of the cost. Jade would’ve been $250 instead of $350 had I gotten her dress elsewhere, but we wanted to get a dress this time around from them.

That was weird. Tom and I could’ve sworn we heard someone’s voice just now. Out here? With the nearest house about 400’ away?

Every night, except for our first night here, we’ve heard a motor running. We thought it was a semi’s engine, but now we’re wondering if it’s one of those big well pumps that’s on a nearby farm. Thank God the farms aren’t too close to us what with all the dust they kick up. Also, some of those farms really stink. They have some farms growing melons and grapes and tons of cotton fields out here.

We saw this really cool little plane flying back and forth over some of the farms, dropping bug spray over crops.

Let me finish with the doll news.

I now have 7 Barbies. I got another cheap $4 blond-haired one with a cool-looking blue, 2-piece bathing suit with pearls on it and dangling pearl earrings. So now I have 5 blond Barbies, Teresa with her brown hair, and Christie, who’s black.

I have received all 3 of the Ashton-Drake dolls I ordered. Sacajawea and Pine Leaf are beautiful, but I need to steam their hair down a bit more.

I got Colette too, and her dress needs steaming like Patrice’s did. Now get this - Colette’s black! I didn’t know she was black. I couldn’t tell from the catalog, but it’s cool to have contrasting ballerinas, in a sense. A white one wearing blue and a black one wearing pink will complement each other nicely. Of course, I have other ballerinas, but they’re different. Patrice and Colette were made by the same guy. They look the most realistic too, as do most Aston-Drake dolls. Their dolls are of pretty good quality. Giselle and Liselle are much taller, and Christina’s a phony-looking goofball. Don’t know why I bothered to win her on that eBay auction. She looked better online, I guess, but her dress is rather pretty.

Yesterday, when we went to pick up Jade’s kit, Jamie’s sister Lisa was there. She was useless to us, but she was covering for Jamie cuz Jamie’s kid had to go to his orthodontist. If someone else’s kid holds you back in life, imagine what your own will do! I’m glad we can’t make any.

Anyway, I spoke to Jamie on the phone, who asked us to come back later. So we got some ice cream, then returned. Jamie was so nice and took the time to explain the kit to me. She went over the stuff we’d need, which we’re gonna get tomorrow. I’ll expand on this some other time when I’m more awake, but I will say now that her dress isn’t ready (so we only paid $260 for her). They’re making one for her since the ones they had were too frilly and too girlie.

WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 20, 1999 I’m now sitting on our land outside the trailer on a mini beach chair. Tom’s gone into the city to run some errands.

The reason I’m not with him is cuz I thought I had a cold. I was miserable yesterday with non-stop sneezing fits that began as soon as I got up, and that didn’t quit till bedtime. I even ended up napping at the apartment for a couple of hours while Tom went on a hopeless truck hunt.

Sacajawea came yesterday. I didn’t expect her that fast and she’s gorgeous!

Jade will be picked up today.

We brought the animals out yesterday, but the pig stunk so badly that I had him in the car overnight. Today, till I can change him, he’s in the tub in the bathroom with the window open and the door shut.

I can’t believe I’ve slept with no fan these last few nights. Tom woke me up a couple of times by shaking the trailer as he’d turn in his sleep, and I woke up naturally a few times, but sleeping here has been easier than I thought. Maybe it’s just because I’m here, where it’s so peaceful. I feel so safe and happy here.

I have heard some dogs, but they’re pretty much off in the distance and are nowhere near as loud as the collies were. As big as these lots are, I just hope this place doesn’t build up fast!

The people to our south have a dog. Tom saw a middle-aged woman over there when he was looking for ant holes, but she was too far away to get a make on her color. If she can keep her lifestyle to herself and not force it on me, it won’t matter. The property in back of ours is unoccupied, but there are a couple of little houses out there. I don’t know if someone’s planning on moving in soon, or what.

There are no houses to our front and our north side, but I fear that’ll change soon enough. Once we get settled I expect things to build up, but thankfully, it can never get as noisy as Phoenix was.

The only other things we’ve heard were some people shouting God only knows what off in the distance, and some semi’s engine running about a mile away late at night.

Conveniently, the weather cooled down a lot during our first night out here. In fact, we were freezing when we woke up. It got down into the 50s! We put the heater on at night, but all you need are open windows during the day. This is the first day anyone’s really been here what with all the errands we’ve been running. We came on the 17th.

When Dennis, who’s a very nice guy, was here getting the trailer set up, he found what may’ve been a javelina’s foot. Maybe a coyote got it or something.

Our mountain views aren’t spectacular, but they’re certainly beautiful enough! What I didn’t know was that you can see distant city lights from one corner of the property, and it is beautiful! You can see the glow of Phoenix’s lights way off sort of behind a range of mountains. South Mountain, I believe it is.

Fittingly, I’ve renamed our land Desert Winds, instead of Desert Visions. Yes, it can get very windy here. So much so that it’s loud and hard to hear Tom talking.

Seeing all the stars at night is breathtaking. I can’t wait till there’s no moon. The stars are so much easier to see without all those city lights.

So far, neither of us has heard or seen any snakes, huge spiders, or coyotes, although Tom said he thought he heard one off in the distance. I’d rather that than come across a snake.

Later…

Tom’s back. He got us a nice generator.

Only two cars have driven by so far today, which surprises Tom. He expected two cars in a week. I saw a white pickup go by once and a brown car go by twice.

They made this so-called subdivision in 1958. I guess someone thought it’d build up back then, but it will sooner or later, which is a sad thought. We need to preserve some of this beautiful, spacious natural desert. To think of having subsidized blacks and Mexicans out here, trashing the place, and with their loud music and their rude, selfish, hostile ways makes me utterly sick. I just hope it isn’t in my lifetime, but I won’t hold my breath.

SATURDAY, OCTOBER 16, 1999 Between the Trailer and Hotels…

Today we met Dennis, the guy Tom’s known for three years, at the Harrah’s casino on one of the Indian reservations. Actually, we met him near it. The tribal police told him he couldn’t hang out by the casino. Fortunately, we came by minutes afterward, or else we wouldn’t have seen him going further down the road.

He is a very nice guy and the trailer’s pretty nice too, but I’ll write about it out at the land cuz I’ll have plenty of free time then.

Later…

Just thought I’d jot down a few more lines.

That black bitch should’ve gotten my mail by now. Oh, how I hope she reads it! Especially the good parts. And oh, how I wish I could be a fly on her wall to see her reaction when she got the stuff! I’m sure it didn’t take her too long to figure out who it was from.

Speaking of blacks - I don’t think the ones next door have been home all day, believe it or not, since they never seemed to go anywhere. It’s been too quiet. But then again, see what I mean? It’s the “quiet end time.”

I mailed Andy a 7-minute phone card. No letter or anything else. Just the card, which I got a few weeks ago and was gonna mail then.

Tom says all the stuff we have here at the apartment will fit just fine in the trailer, but I doubt it. If we have to put anything in our mini storage, then we will. I just hope we don’t end up with half the stuff in the big storage bin being smashed.

The trailer doesn’t seem to be as long as 27’, but once again, I’ll get to that some other time. My hand already hurts from writing, cuz it’s been so long since I did it regularly. Also, my handwriting is a nightmare!

I hope we find a cheap old used pickup tomorrow. We need it! That way, we can not only have a backup vehicle, but we can also get out of here in one trip.

THURSDAY, OCTOBER 14, 1999 More family problems. However, it’s on his side so it’s not nothing compared to what I went through with those on my side. It’s petty shit, but at the same time, I was both hurt and angry to find out through Tom’s mom that Evie may’ve been rather offended by my request that she doesn’t bring the kids to the house to visit till they’re older. She told me that that was no problem because they use sitters all the time anyway, but it appears that it just may be a problem after all. I hate someone that can’t tell me when I’ve upset them. Why do people always have to go to someone else, huh? What are they afraid of? I went through this shit with Andy for years. He’d bitch to me about Miles or someone, and I’d be like - Andy, you’re telling the wrong person how you feel! Did you ever think of confronting the source and going directly to the person that’s pissed you off and letting them know how you feel?

It’s no wonder so many people don’t get along. They don’t communicate.

I feel betrayed by his mom, but mostly by Evie. I see this as gossiping, although he says he sees it as expressing their opinions. Yeah, I didn’t expect him to see it like I see it, but oh well. Although I feel his mom gossips a lot, most of her talk is about Evie, Nickolena and Parker. I guess they’re her favorites. I told him I don’t want anything to do with Evie from here on out, but that he could do what he wanted as far as allowing Mom, Mary, and Dave to visit. It wouldn’t be right of me, like he said, to tell him his own family can’t visit just cuz mine can’t, and I can be polite while they visit. We both can live without Evie, though. I told Tom I wouldn’t be the least bit surprised if Mary disliked me and talked shit about me (it’s a feeling I’ve always had). He said, who cares? Well, normally I wouldn’t want someone who had not-so-nice things to say about me visiting, but no, I don’t care, and I can live with it and with her visiting. I care if Tom says something bad to me or thinks something bad about me, but others, I’m just not so picky about. I let Evie know I was both hurt and upset to have found out through Mom that she was offended by my request and that I really wished she’d come to me with anything that offended her. I told her I still love her and David and the kids and am very sorry if I upset her in any way, but perhaps it’s best we ignore each other and that I remove her from my email list. That way I don’t have to worry about finding out from someone that I offended her again. I certainly don’t want to be a problem for her, I told her.

Speaking of letting people know how I feel, I won’t be leaving any notes here. They already know how we feel about them and this place and they aren’t worth the time and energy a note would take.

The black and white beasts were sitting right smack outside our patio. I just don’t get this sitting on other people’s patios, yards, etc. Is something wrong with their own? They’re still quieter than they were when we first got here, although I do hear an occasional bump, bang, or scream. I guess not all kids are on vacation. We’ve seen some school buses around. God just had to make sure the kids next to me were out of school, though! I think the reason he’s been siccing kids and their noise on me for so long is to make up for and to compensate me for the fact that I get to get out of having it inside my own home for 18 years. Thank God, too!

I don’t know if remembered to write about this, but once when we were out by the land, Tom ran over a big rattlesnake. I didn’t see it, though. I had my head down looking at maps or something. That’s something I’m not looking forward to having to deal with out there. He said I may never see one, but I’m sure I will. And God only knows if I’ll be seeing tarantulas too, and other huge, terrifying spiders. It also sucks that there are just as many ants and other insects out there. Maybe more.

Tom said he was told a house once existed on our land, but we think they must be mistaken, or else we’d have seen some remnants of it, wouldn’t we?

Before we get regular trash services, we’re gonna throw our bags of trash and put them in the trunk of the car to take once a week to put in Mary’s alley when he visits the mouth. One of the mouths, anyway.

Also, we have to use special toilet paper that’ll break up in the acid that’s in the shithole.

The other day I wanted to browse through an adult store, but Tom reminded me that he’s uncomfortable in those places. And he says he’d be OK with discussing his sexual ways with a doctor? I don’t think so! He’d be very uncomfortable and embarrassed to discuss it with anyone else, but he wouldn’t want to and he doesn’t have to. I know how much he enjoys cumless sex and I want him to have what he wants. Even if I started wanting a kid again, I still wouldn’t want him to sacrifice the sex he likes, not that I could conceive the natural way. He’s a very old-fashioned guy, though, trust me.

I seriously wonder about something, though. Most women do want kids and wouldn’t give that up for a guy who’s like Tom is in bed. Well, 35 years is an awfully long time for such a great guy to be alone, and I really wonder if it could be because of his not cumming. Although, it’d depend on whether or not they were on birth control. I don’t think he’d be the way he is if I had been on birth control all along. Yes, he likes not cumming, but I still also believe it’s a fear thing and I always will. He told me he came with his first wife. Well, she was on birth control. Well, as long as he’s happy - and hey - he keeps the sheets dry while he’s doing what he likes/wants, so why not?

WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 13, 1999 Can you believe the kids are on vacation from school this week? I can. Yeah, God just had to make sure it was while he knew we were going to be here. What is he trying to tell me by rubbing kids and blacks in my face like this year after year?! Anyway, they’re still quieter than they used to be for people who don’t go anywhere but to school and maybe work, too. I stay in the bedroom with the fan or music on most of the time, and it’s only for about another week or so anyway. Also, maybe, just maybe, mama black will have some compassion when it comes to her blacks in light of the poor old man who moved in below them. He’s obviously terminally ill. He must’ve been living far out like where we’re going, then came into town as he got closer to death. He’s in a hospital bed right by the living room window in which curtains are wide open. A couple of women, probably a family member and a nurse, are with him. I guess people out here really don’t care for privacy that much. Either that or the window’s wide open so that the guy feels more a part of life and less cooped up and isolated. What a way to go, though, with kids running around screaming on top of you. Like I said, though, maybe his presence, along with the fact that we’ve only got a week left and things usually quiet down right before I leave somewhere, will impact how much those kids are rambunctious. I haven’t heard any screaming today, but most people just don’t give a shit, so who knows what they’ll do from here on out? At least it won’t matter after a week or so, rather than in six years.

Next door to our left still appears vacant, but last night and this morning I could’ve sworn I heard someone over there. Maybe it was just the blacks below us. Could’ve even been the people next to the blacks, since these walls are just like the Vista and Crystal Creek. They’re kind of in between NHA walls and regular walls.

I can’t believe those Mexicans never woke me up during the four months I was stuck with them. Without the fan, they would’ve. That is until I made them not wake me up. Things could’ve been a lot worse as far as that goes with both the blacks and the Mexicans, and therefore, I would’ve definitely been forced to go after them and fight for my sleep. That’s what I should’ve done while I was at the NHA, even though I still wanted out of that hell hole, and even though it wasn’t Barbara’s fault that the walls were as thin as they were. You can only go so far when it comes to controlling kids, too. They’re like wild animals that just cannot be tamed for the first ten years or so of their lives.

The weather’s been hot, but beautiful, and I really think God’s going to have it rain like hell once the house gets delivered. I know he will. That’s totally something he would do to us. He’s gonna make sure the weather gets in our way and stalls us from getting into that house.

I just hate having to count down the days all over again. First I had to anxiously await getting out of Phoenix, and now here.

Anyway, today we went to get ideas for things like a CD changer, washers and dryers, and things like that at Best Buy.

Then we went to Border’s where I got a regular-sized lined journal for writing in the trailer as a way of conserving energy with bright neon hearts on its cover. Its pages are purple on one side, and green on the other. Both sides have floral borders. I also got a cool unlined sketchbook. It’s bigger, and it too is hardcover. I forgot to get some pencils, though, since mine are packed. It’s one of those with two pictures, and you see different ones depending on the angle from which you view it. One scene has a light blue day sky with suns, birds, butterflies, and ladybugs. The other has a dark blue night sky with moons, planets, stars, and comets. I have it leaning against the bedroom wall and it’s so cool when you walk by it, cuz it changes from night to day and back and forth.

After Border’s, we went to a Jack-n-the-Box drive-through, and as we were heading to sit and eat in the shadier parking lot of the wallpaper store, some fucking Mexican nearly hit us and caused us to spill our drink. Fucking Mexicans! There’s just no getting away from them and their fucking shit!

Tom and I looked in both the wallpaper store and at the house floor plan and made tentative plans for what would go where. The only thing I don’t like about the house, but only when it comes to murals and border accents, is its slanted ceilings and its vertical strips every foot or so. Tom says we can take those off, and hopefully there won’t be too big of a gap in between the wallboards so we won’t have to tape them and put that joint compound in between them, to keep us from accidentally poking a hole in the mural or border.

They only had a couple of mural scenes I liked, although some of the woods and waterfalls are nice enough, too. I’ve decided on a palm tree mural for the den and a night city scene for the bedroom. As for borders, man did they have a lot of adorable ones! I’m gonna get a variety of ones with fairies, ballerinas, dogs, cats, tie-dye, and cactuses. They also have door murals, but I don’t want too much to clash with each other, so I may put a door mural on the side of the cabinets that you can see from the pet room and dining area that’s just outside my office, so it won’t clash with other borders or murals. Obviously, I’ll only border areas that don’t have murals, cuz it’d look pretty stupid, for example, if I had cats bordering a room that had a palm tree mural in it, or ballerinas bordering a room with a city scene. I’m not gonna border rooms like the guest room or the baths, cuz I won’t see those as much, and what I’ve already decided on is expensive enough.

TUESDAY, OCTOBER 12, 1999 I don’t believe it! I just don’t. The H's true colors are coming out. This is exactly what I mean when I bitch about God not letting us get ahead in life and having past people, places, and things reach out and grab us just when we thought we were rid of them for good. I guess they’re not so easygoing after all, cuz they fucking complained about the side of the house being trashed with roofing stuff (they didn’t make any offers or ask for any money. Not yet, anyway). It’s not that Tom didn’t want to clean that or the stuff he left on the patio and in the garage and it’s not that he didn’t want to vacuum the house, but he just didn’t have time. I suppose I’d complain too, if I had dogs whose paws could get hurt on those roofing nails that I was gonna keep outside all the time, but still - isn’t it a little late for that? That’s not our fucking house or our responsibility anymore. We already gave them the keys. So Tom stupidly made them an offer that he feels is reasonable and that he feels would avoid us possibly having to go through the hassles of court, not that they could win since they now officially own the house. He offered $250 for either them or him to hire someone to clean it up. Fine, but if they think they’re gonna turn into little mooches and continually complain and try to weasel money out of us, they’ve got another thing coming to them. A part of me understands their complaint, but another part of me wants to slap them silly! And I was just saying to myself the other day how I hoped the blacks were leaving them alone too, since they had seemed so nice, making such a great offer on the house, and so quickly. Well, I hope those Mexicans make them miserable nonetheless with their trash and with their antics. The question is, though, what are they gonna do about that - complain to us about their music, about their trash in the yard, about all the people? They’ll be sorry if they do.

Yes, they do deserve a letter of some kind from me, don’t they? I’ll give it a few months, but I’ll either send them a wacky letter or maybe even a letter posing as the Mexicans, complaining about all the barking.

Speaking of all the barking - Gloria, in back, is not gonna be a happy camper. I know she hated those two collies just as much as I did, and now she’ll have five of them to listen to. I sure as hell had to listen to a lot of barking today myself. I felt so bad for Mary’s neighbors, remembering all too well all the barking I had to endure so close by, year after year.

Yes, we went over there to do laundry and to put up the handrail in Ma’s bathroom. It took him no time at all. He had to buy more drill bits, though, cuz they don’t even own a drill, let alone drill bits, and his are packed.

No one was there while we were there. He put the dog out back that barked and barked non-stop, and as usual, the place was a total pigsty. The place was caked with dirt and dust, and the clutter and garbage were horrendous. There’s no way in hell someone could live like that without actually liking it. Well, to each their own as far as living style goes, I guess.

Anyway, she had a nice, big washer and dryer in a little room at the back of their carport.

According to Mary’s scale, I’m about 120 pounds. Yeah, I knew I’d gained weight since leaving Phoenix. I can tell by how my clothes fit, although Tom says he can’t see it. He says all the walking I’ve been doing has kept me from gaining inches. Well, it is true that I did have more inches for the pounds the last time I was in the 120s, but still, I’m quite the chub. I could easily afford to shed a good 20 pounds and get into shape, but that’s hopefully going to be done once we get into the house and get an exercise machine of some kind.

After leaving Mary’s, we went to JB’s where I got a scallop and fries lunch, topped off with a slice of pecan pie. He got a burger and fries. He doesn’t like as many things as I do. Primarily he likes hot dogs, burgers, pork chops, steak, omelets, chili, and ham and cheese sandwiches.

We finally ordered a couple of CDs from our CD club the other day online. I ordered Trio 2 with Linda, Dolly, and Emmylou. It’s been so long since I got their first Trio album. I was on Oswego St. in Springfield at the time, so it was in the late 80s. I also ordered a Heart CD.

We’re thinking of things to do to conserve energy in the trailer, and are still looking for a reasonable generator, as well as a backup vehicle. We decided on getting a portable CD player and me a journal to write in like I used to, instead of using the computer. We certainly won’t be online during this time either, that’s for sure.

We’ll probably sleep here about five more days, then we’ll still keep the place till right around the 24th which is what we’re paid up till, but will be moving stuff out little by little.

According to what they say, we’ll be in the house by Thanksgiving, and we’ll be able to see the house brought in, which is set for November 1st! I was hoping to see it driven in.

OK, it’s time to get to Jade, for once and for all, who’s still about a week away. I did decide to check out JBS Dolls after all, and yes, they do have a lot of realistic-looking dolls (they seem to range from about 24”-32” for the most part). But that’s just a small part of it. The wonderful part of it is that you don’t have to buy what you see as it is! You can take a doll like Chyna, for example, which they do have, and say give me that doll, but instead of having her be oriental, have her be white and put red hair on her! They have books of wigs and stuff like that, and you can also pick out their outfits, too! Never again will I have to worry about getting a doll with a beautiful face but who has a boring outfit, or a doll dressed nicely with a boring or ugly face! I probably won’t buy any more clothes from them next time, cuz they’re way too expensive. Anyway, it’s been a dream of mine to find a pretty mold like I did with Jade who I thought was the best-looking doll there, then tell them to put straight black hair on her, give her brown eyes, and put her in a pink dress, and that’s just what I did! They don’t glue the hair on the dolls they have set up in the store, so the people can buy them as they are (then they’ll glue the wigs on right on the spot), or have them glue the hair on but take them naked so they can buy their own outfits for the dolls. Then you can do what I did. I saw a beautiful 32” Indian doll named Jade, who had on a typical Indian costume which I don’t particularly like, with black hair without bangs. I told her I wanted that doll with the same Indian complexion in a kit, but I wanted her in a pink dress (hopefully it won’t be too girlie since she is a woman doll) and that I wanted her black hair with bangs. She says putting the dolls together isn’t too hard, and that they have classes for that for just $15. Well, we’re gonna give it a shot ourselves (all they’re gonna do is paint her).

I hope this is a potential money-maker if it isn’t too hard to assemble dolls, cuz then I could sell them and buy dolls for myself with the profits. I’d still like to have a redhead, a black doll, and an oriental doll. There were only a few doll faces that really stood out, and one of them was Shay’s (if that’s how she spells her name). I liked how her mouth was open and how well you could see her two front teeth.

MONDAY, OCTOBER 11, 1999 Tom’s getting the car fixed now and doing laundry while he’s waiting for the car to be done. I’m sick of our fucking cars not being able to get past 3-4 months without some problem! I totally resent God too, for allowing us to be hexed with the same old shit over and over again! We don’t need to spend any more time and money on cars! Why should we bother getting a new car someday, after all? It’ll only have problems every few months.

All its hoses are old and are cracking and leaking. Power steering fluid’s been leaking like hell, so now that’s one more thing we’ve got to deal with and lose money on. Why now God, huh? Have some compassion and just leave us alone and let us get ahead in life for a change!

I was going to go with him today, but I was just too tired, so he said it’d be no problem for me to hang back and for him to do the laundry.

Today’s a holiday, and it fucking figures there has to be a 3-day holiday while we’re here, huh? The blacks are home today, but get this - they’ve been so quiet that I thought they moved! Since last Thursday, they haven’t been banging and screaming like hell, and I haven’t seen the white boy, either! There was a cluster of black and white kids playing on the lawn down at the other end of this strip yesterday, but that’s it. No screaming outside the living room.

As far as I know, the room to our left is still empty. The room below the blacks is still empty too, and has been for nearly as long as we’ve been here, but gee, I wonder why! I should’ve put two and two and figured out that this place had to be empty as long as it was for a reason, too. It’s now more than obvious that this place was vacant as long as it was, along with the one below the blacks, cuz no one wanted to live next to or under a herd of blacks. Also, other people had to have been shown this room, just like we were, while the white kid was next door screaming out front and I’m sure that’s got to have turned a lot of people off. Not that it didn’t turn me off, too; it’s just I knew I was destined for that no matter where I went, so I figured I might as well go with the flow of what was fated to be since I knew I had no choice. Also, I’m still pretty sure the blacks are permanent residents. I wonder if the blacks downstairs are too, but at least their bumps and bangs are much milder and they don’t have kids screaming outside.

What I wonder, though, since I’m naturally a curious person, is what made them quiet down? I mean, I hear a few scattered bumps and bangs, but not nearly like I used to.

I have a whole shitload of stuff to write about, but I’ll get to it later.

Later…

Fuck! Those fucking blacks and the white animal are at it again! They’re still not banging as much as they used to, but still, why do I have to hear them at all? Can’t they fucking sit still and shut up? Why do they have to be so wild and make a scene? Can’t they live like civilized, normal people without having to be the center of attention? The white animal’s back in the picture again. The little black boy just ran out and slammed the door behind it, then went running down the patio by our place with whitey behind it. At least they didn’t come back so soon afterward. I guess they went to hang out at someone else’s place for a change that lives down at the other end.

I’m just so sick of kids and blacks being thrown at me like this year after year! Is God ever gonna let me disassociate myself from them? And Mexicans, too? By the way, there are still too many Mexicans out here, but not as many as there are in Phoenix.

I still can’t figure out what God’s been trying to tell me by tossing neighbor’s noise on me throughout the bulk of this last decade, and I’m getting pretty nervous as well as excited about getting out of here. I know that my time of listening to neighbors is coming to an end for the most part, but I also know that that means I’m about to trade that in for a new problem that will dominate the next decade, and this worries me. What will it be? Tom thinks that instead of having one big problem, I’ll have a bunch of little problems. An example he mentioned is how we won’t be able to easily run out to a Jack-n-the-Box. Also, there’ll be more dust where we’re going that’ll build up on the skylight. But that’s nothing compared to what God usually has in store for me. He’s gotta do much worse than that to me. I just know it. Even so, I can’t wait to get out of here! We were wondering about certain things about the trailer, like if it has any dishes. Should we buy a $50 microwave just for the month or two that we use it? Will the crew want to use the bathroom? Well, I’ll let them know as soon as they ask that they have to piss elsewhere, if not quite in those words. We’ve got to go sparingly on water.

It’s hard to believe that I have only about ten more days of having to live with headphones on. That is when the shitfucks next door are home. But it’s either them or my music. Tom was worried that the construction on the land would get to me, but I doubt it. As long as I can keep a schedule, and as long as I know what’s going on and for how long, it shouldn’t be a problem. As long as it’s coming from within my own territory, that’s different, and I can deal with it. That doesn’t mean I want to go for in vitro (not that God would allow me to have a kid, naturally or not) and bring a kid into the house to make the same loud, obnoxious, nerve-fraying noise I’ve been trying for eight years to get away from. Besides, I still want to be selfish and live life for us. I’m not ready to have to give up my pets or my doll collecting, either.

Anyway, I finally found those chewable calcium supplements that taste like tootsie rolls, and that are therefore pleasant to take. I lack calcium in my diet cuz I can’t eat much in the way of dairy products cuz my stomach’s too sensitive to it.

We looked in some stores Tom wanted to look in, like camping stores, electronic stores, hardware stores, etc.

We stopped at a car parts store yesterday so he could play car for a while (we’re still looking for a backup vehicle of some sort). I got scented deodorizer while I was there, though, but instead of using it in the car, I’m using it as “duty spray” in the bathroom. It’s berry-scented, but it smells more like just grapes than a mix of berries.

We spent nearly $200 on software yesterday. Yes, it’s been so fun doing all this shopping, and we do feel like we’re on vacation at times! Now’s the time to do all this, too. Once we get settled in the house, it’ll be a while yet before we can splurge like this again.

He got some software for building decks, as well as another book on building things.

I got a dictionary which I love, and which I’ve been wanting for a long time. For a long time, I’ve wanted a quick and easy way to look up words on the computer. It’s even got Gloria’s name in it! I thought it’d have Linda’s too, for sure, but nope. Also, it’s got swears in it!

I got a new mahjong game, so I now have three versions of that game, which is my favorite computer game. It doesn’t have a lot of pretty, colorful tilesets, and most of its background pictures are boring or too blocky, but the cool thing about this version is that I can use my own wallpaper pictures for the background! Can’t do that with the others.

I also got a couple of games that deal with ghost hunting. One of the games is based on a series of books by John Saul.

OK, time to take another break.

Later…

Two years of not smoking yet I still continue to be interrupted by congestion every other time I sing. I feel like God just won’t let me move on and get ahead in life. It’s a damn good thing I didn’t know I’d still be tight and congested before I quit, or else I definitely wouldn’t have put myself through the hell of it and the weight gain. At least I saved money by quitting, and gave up the wheezing and the chances of me dying in a fatal asthma attack where we’re moving to since it’d take an ambulance about a half hour or more to get to me. I’ve been more congested here and less tight (it’s either one or the other). It’s still so insulting to hear people say that God helps those who help themselves when this is bullshit! When is he gonna help me after all my hard work with quitting smoking by taking away this tightness and congestion, even if it’s just some of it?

Anyway, our black and white assholes have still been much better overall. They were much worse last weekend. This weekend, though, they’d distract me with their bumps, bangs, and screams, but only a few times and for a second. Not twenty times for several minutes each. I just don’t understand why whitey has to play next door or in front of our place. What’s wrong with its own place?

Anyway, I have yet to cover some of the purchases we’ve made over the last handful of days, so let me get to that, and the other things I’ve done.

Tom showed me an easier way to make calendars with little pictures in each square so there can be a picture for each day, as well as for each month. It’s pretty cool.

I had wrapped flossy yarn around the plain, boring white plastic hanger that goes with this pink floral plant I just got, but it looked tacky. So, I took Tom’s advice and took the hanger off altogether, since it would look good on top of the kitchen cabinets with its branches hanging down.

My mail has finally gone out to Joebitch, Tammy, Larry, and Andy, but the Mexicans’ are gonna wait a little while. As I said, I don’t want to confuse the postal people too much.

I got a shiny, glittery headband. Two of them, actually. I was dumb enough to lose the first one, even if it was only $3, while we were in the food court getting my chicken wings and his hot dog. So I had to get another one. It looks dazzling, and I’m gonna need headbands the longer my bangs get, that’s for sure. It’s looking better than I thought it’d look with the bangs growing out. I look older, but not geekier. I’ll still never have the face and body I had in my twenties, that’s for sure! I’ll probably go back and forth between having bangs and not having them throughout my life. At least I can cut bangs instantly and not have to wait for them to shrink shorter like I have to wait for the bangs to grow longer!

I got some liquid foundation to better hide my facial blemishes which are worsening with age, rather than my usual powder foundation. I’ve got blotches, zits, and veins showing through my too-white, almost transparent, albino skin. Got some higher-quality mascara too, and six bottles of nail polish - white, black, light blue, yellow, orchid, and magenta. I still can’t do nail art too easily, though, cuz this stuff doesn’t do color over color very well. Oh well. At least I have all the really cool colors. I have each nail a different color.

Believe it or not, I got a rock. It’s a beautiful $3 pyrite rock that’s also known as fool’s gold. It shines and glitters so gorgeously.

When Tom went back to Border’s to get another book, I got a true-crime storybook about some guy that was a trucker that’d torture women he’d kidnap along the roads and a 4-book series by V.C. Andrews. This series has four little books, rather than five big ones.

Still can’t find a big enough wheel for Ratsy. If I have a hard time finding Fancy mice, I may get common white mice. They are kind of cute, it’s just that they all look the same and are less calm. Even so, they’re active enough to be entertaining to watch.

Last Friday night, I think it was, I almost fell off schedule again. I was having a bad allergy attack that just went on and on and on. So I took a Benadryl and ended up napping, which almost threw me off schedule. This is so amazing, though, that I still can’t believe it! Me? Able to keep a schedule?! It’s been nearly two months now. Usually, when you change a habit you’ve had for so many years, you’re not usually able to have it stick the first time around. It takes several attempts, but I couldn’t do it without the Melatonin, that’s for sure.

Tomorrow, Tom’s gonna do up a résumé for a day shift job and call Dennis, the guy who works for IBM and repairs the computers where Tom works. He told Tom to call him 4-5 days before we wanted the trailer set up, although we probably won’t be totally out of here and in it till around the 20th. Just one more wild weekend! Then what will God stick on us? Another $400 to have to be dished out on the fucking car? I just hope we can find a backup vehicle fast and that God doesn’t have them break simultaneously, which is something he’d do.

Tom didn’t have time to do the laundry today, thanks to the cursed car, so we’re doing it at Mary’s tomorrow. Believe it or not, Ma’s still in California. That’s fine with me. I really don’t want to deal with her and her problems right now. We’ve got enough of our own shit going on. Tom said they asked for a rail to be put up for Ma and at first I was pissed, thinking - here we go again with their wants, but as Tom said, they know he can’t be a regular slave of theirs. One favor here and there is OK, anyway, and they are being kind enough to let us do our clothes there. Tom said he’d put the dog outside, too. Good. Cuz even if he liked me the last time, I don’t want to take the chance that he’ll change his mind and decide to take a bite out of me. Dogs can be pretty unpredictable, even though he disagrees.

I’ve had the headphones off and haven’t heard a peep out of next door, which is nice.

Yesterday and today we went to Denny’s. On both days I got steak and shrimp. What is it with these waitresses and salespeople trying to be so friendly these days? They’re more than friendly. They’re pests. Our waitress wanted to chat while I was trying to eat. We can’t go into a store without being asked if we need any help as soon as we step foot in the door, we say no, then they go into a spiel about their measly deal they got running, then we have to go through the whole damn thing all over again with a different sale person five minutes later.

We looked in a wood-making store that Tom wanted to check out and discussed the possibility of getting unfinished furniture that we’d finish ourselves. I’d rather not do that, though.

We also looked in a couple of furniture stores. The entertainment center, though, would best be bought at a Walmart or something like that. I might get this gorgeous smooth, shiny black bedroom set so there won’t be too much whitewash in the house, since the kitchen set, the kitchen, and the baths will have whitewash. So will my computer desk.

We checked out dishes at Walmart and I found a beautiful set I want to get that sure beats Doe’s boring set, although I do intend to keep her stuff. I’ll just store it away. They have a series of designs, and I liked My Garden the best. We can get sets and we can get stuff individually, so as he pointed out, it won’t kill us to have to get a five-dollar pan for his hot dogs if we have no microwave or a wimpy one from the 70s that the guy said was there.

My period’s being erratic again, but that’s just the way I am these days. I told Tom I thought it had only been one week since getting my last period, but he said he thought it was two. As soon as he said that, I knew he’d be too scared to cum, although he pretended to be close to doing so. Maybe he really was close, but fear is a powerful thing. Yes, he finally initiated some sex Saturday morning, which I didn’t think we’d ever have here.

I forgot if it was Saturday or Sunday - one of those days - we went to another mall we hadn’t been to in a while and they had a doll store. Most of their dolls were only $15, about 16”, and very boring. They did have a couple of bigger, nicer dolls, but of course they were the ones that were between $80-$150.

I got a couple of cheap $5 Barbies at a drugstore that were in boring outfits, so I could put them in a couple of outfits I have that haven’t been worn. So now I have six Barbies.

Got another 17” porcelain doll too, at Walmart for just $17. They have a lot of these cheap dolls cuz of the holidays, but after Christmas, they’ll be gone. She’s from the same people who made the Meagan doll I got there right before we left Phoenix. I named her Shauna. She’s got a pretty dress for being so cheap. It’s a mint green dress with white lace and pine green and maroon floral-like trim. She has a matching hat. She has a pretty pink chiffon bow by one hip with little maroon flowers in the center of it. Rather than her shoes being typical white saddle shoes, she has white shoes with daisy cutouts and a few pearls. She has dark green-gray eyes and long blond hair.

My best news of all has to do with Jade and JBS Dolls, but I’ll get to it some other time.

THURSDAY, OCTOBER 7, 1999 Why can’t I ever get an allergy attack close to bedtime? That way I can take Benadryl without having to worry about it knocking me out. I had allergy attacks on and off all day today and when I finally broke down and took a Benadryl, I fell asleep for an hour. My allergies are still bad, but it’s only 7:00, so I’m trying to keep from popping another one.

I haven’t heard a peep out of next door tonight which means they can’t be home. There’s no way they’d be this quiet if they were. Last night was a different story, though. The kids were right outside our window screaming, and there was a bang so loud from over there that I could hear it in the bedroom.

The blacks and white boys were most definitely helping the people that were next to us on our left side move out, cuz yesterday the housekeeper spent four hours in there cleaning. I heard every move she made too, in these “close to soundproof” walls. It’s too bad they left cuz they were never a problem (they must’ve been white), but for all I know, the new people could be just like next door to our right.

I told the Mexican housekeeper (they always get the shitty jobs when they do work) that all she had to do was change the bed, dump our trash, and replace our towels. She seemed like a nice lady, too.

They never did end up waking me up at 6:00 AM like we thought they were going to by repaving the parking lot, cuz they didn’t rip it up after all. All they’re doing is resurfacing it.

Real quick, then I want to finish my book - we went to look at exercise machines today, and to a mall I’ve never been to before. I got something cute, something pretty, and something cool.

The cute thing is a magnetic puppy memo pad.

The pretty thing is a floral headband. It’s got three sets of three different shades of pink roses. Nine roses in all. I’ve been growing my bangs out and I’ll be needing headbands to keep the hair out of my face as it grows longer.

The cool thing I got was a nail art set, but the paint’s pretty shitty. I mean, I can’t do the artwork from the book it comes with cuz the paint’s so thin, but the six different colors are pretty, nonetheless. Part of why it’s shitty is cuz it’s not regular nail polish. It’s a type of latex and you can peel it off. You don’t even need polish remover. The six colors are white, black, yellow, red, blue, and green.

Before we shopped we got a few bites in this little diner with an obnoxious cook who was playing drums with his cooking utensils, and with these fucked up mini jukeboxes. Of the three songs I wanted to hear, only one played the right song. The numbers didn’t match the songs for the most part.

I think the blacks are in now, cuz I think I hear voices over there.

WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 6, 1999 I got my first porcelain doll (that I bought) one year ago today and that was Anne.

Anyway, I got up at 7:30 and ever since then, it's been quite noisy between the construction going on just outside the complex, sirens, barking, banging within the building, and now the fucking mowers are out. I can't believe it's quiet at night around here. At 7:45 this morning I heard what sounded like a beat of a song being tapped out on a counter or something, but couldn't tell if it was next door. Just in case it was, I slammed some cabinets right back to them. At least I can give these blacks their shit right back a lot easier than I could with the Phoenix blacks. I thought, though, that they left before 7:30, cuz I've never heard them here that early. If it was them and they left afterward, wouldn't I have heard their screaming voices on the way out? Well, I don't know for sure who it was or where it was.

TUESDAY, OCTOBER 5, 1999 Tom called about an hour ago saying he might’ve gotten a hold of a suitable trailer. He said it’s 27’ long with a full bath and all that, but it’s 20 years old. That’s OK, I told him. As long as we get out of here, although it’s quiet right now, and the blacks did quiet down after that initial wild spree they went on upon coming home. It’s mostly my just wanting to be on the land and watch the workers work, now that God’s blessed me with one less thing to have to worry about - my schedule. Anyway, he wanted to know if it’d be OK to check it out without me. Of course, I told him.

He got stopped by a cop last night on his way to work for having a broken headlight. It figures, huh? Just one more thing we gotta deal with and pay for, but he didn’t get any ticket or fine or anything like that. He said he didn’t even know it was broken.

Tom called HSN and had them change our address, but just like I knew there’d be some kind of problem like there always is with HSN, he couldn’t order online cuz it didn’t recognize the address. I’ve been fighting for Sekarina, and now Chyna, for how long now? Long enough to know these dolls just aren’t meant to be. So now I’ve got $400 to decide what to do with. Should I go to JBS Dolls which should be open now? Should I look elsewhere online? Or should I get more Ashton-Drake dolls? Ashton-Drake is the only one reliable when it comes to non-store stuff. With them, what you see is what you get. There are no ordering hassles, and nothing’s sold out without you knowing it till you try to order it.

Speaking of dolls, I packed all my dolls since we won’t be here too much longer, and since we’re getting maid service tomorrow (unless there’s some problem with that, too).

I forgot to mention that yesterday when we stopped at the grocery store, I got a really pretty bottle I’m keeping. The bottle had tea in it which I drank on the way back cuz I was so thirsty, but for just a buck, it came in this pretty bottle with pink flowers on a green and purple background. The seal around the bottle’s neck has pretty blue, pink, and purple flowers. It says Arizona on it so it’s kind of a souvenir type thing too, and another southwestern decoration for me that’s pretty, bright, and colorful. I like southwestern decorations, but not southwestern furniture.

Later…

I have both good news and bad news.

The bad is that on the 7th, these mother-fucking assholes who just have to always have something going on are gonna be tearing up the parking lot at 6:00 in the fucking morning. The motherfucking cocks! Always, always, always gotta be doing something. This is total harassment and I do intend to take Tom’s suggestion and file a complaint with the Better Business Bureau. I told you they’d be off to a new project as soon as the painting was done. I can’t believe they have the nerve to charge the outrageous fee they do just to be harassed by them and have to listen to other people’s noise! What will the project of choice be after that? The roof? Are they gonna be running around on the roof since they can’t sit still?

I didn’t hear from the blacks next door today till 5:00 (just the kids screaming, but no banging) and for a minute there I thought they were moving or were helping the white trash at the end move out, but I don’t get what the fuck they’re doing. One of the black boys and whitey are moving stuff out from the left side of us, which is the wrong direction for either the white trash or the blacks.

Anyway, in better, more important news - we own the land!!!!! Yes, they closed early on it since it’s already all paid for.

Also, Tom got a deal on a trailer from a guy at work. We’re gonna use his personal trailer and we agreed on $100 a week, plus we’d refuel the thing afterward, too. I’ll write more about the trailer once it’s set up and ready for us, but that won’t be for a couple of weeks yet. Just two black weekends left, though!

I wasn’t out much today. Just to get new headlights for the car and refills in a new Walgreens. I got a couple of nice cactus magnets too, which makes a total of three new ones.

Believe it or not, it was actually quiet around here today, but it won’t be when they repave the parking lot. Also, if those blacks are moving, and I don’t think they are, they’re gonna be noisy with getting it set up for a new batch of noisy, rude, selfish blacks.

Tomorrow’s maid service day. It’ll be interesting if they do what I think they’ll do. I’ll tell them they don’t have to bother dusting or vacuuming. I don’t want them too close to our stuff, and besides, we have the vacuum here now, so I’ll vacuum anything that needs vacuuming.

MONDAY, OCTOBER 4, 1999 It’s prime black time now, so we’ll see how they are, but I don’t think they’ll be any different now that I’ve finally had my fill of these fucks and complained on them (so I won’t be leaving the letter up above. I’ll leave a different one). You know how those fucking blacks are - always gotta be the center of attention. They’re so rude and so selfish I can’t believe she even smiled at me when we moved in here.

We were out for most of the weekend, but when we were here, they just wouldn’t sit still. They’d be quiet for a while, then they’d get pretty damn noisy. While I was listening to music, Tom said it sounded like they were building something over there.

God’s forcing these noisy blacks and Mexicans on me and I just don’t know why! I just don’t get it! Why is it always me? Why can’t I live next to quiet, white neighbors, huh? Why is that so much to ask for? If they absolutely have to be blacks or Mexicans, can’t they at least shut up and leave me the fuck alone? Why do I have to hear every fucking move they make?

God, I hate blacks and Mexicans! Fuck the motherfuckers!!! It’s like - here we go again with the shit they bring. It’s no wonder so many people hate them. They deserve any hatred and shit they get for the way they carry on in society without a care for anyone or anything but themselves.

Anyway, I left the office a message about them and about the fact that neither of us was too happy that they entered this apartment without our permission first (they left another stool in here while we were out Saturday). That was nice of them, but they could’ve and they should’ve waited till someone was here.

The cock at the office called and talked to Tom this morning before we headed out. The fucking painting of the doors that just couldn’t wait till we were out of here was brought up. Tom let them know I have asthma and that we don’t want our door left open either, while we’re out. The dude said he’d paint the door with it shut while we were out and would do the edges after we left, after lying about having asthma too.

The cock said he’d talk to next door, and there was a note on their door waiting for them, but again, I know blacks. When they do consider those around them, it’s to go out of their way to deliberately harass them one way or another. Nothing will ever change with the blacks of this world. Nothing.

Tom said the guy said I was very angry. Even though he denies this, I can tell Tom doesn’t believe me when I tell him I didn’t swear or use the N-word any more than he believes me when I tell him I didn’t call the Mexican a slur, but oh well. I know what I said, and of course I was angry. I had every right to be. What did the guy expect? For me to call up laughing about it? I didn’t know who I wanted to beat the shit out of more - the blacks or the lying little cock.

They just got in over there and I can hear them stomping their asses off next door now and the kids are right in front of our place screaming. It just has to be our place that they have to play in front of. They’re not doubt totally furious now, but tough fucking shit! If you’re gonna run around like a bunch of wild animals, you should expect complaints like this. They gotta know we were the ones to complain too, cuz they're pals with the people on the other side of them, and no one’s below them now. The people below them got locked out for not paying up and it’s gotta be due to either the blacks, the hassles around here with the painting, or both. So many things are fucked up around here. Especially considering what people are paying. They don’t even have numbers on their fucking oven dials, so I couldn’t bake my macaroni and cheese in the oven the other day.

I think the blacks are permanent residents and that the white trash on the end next to them definitely is. They must’ve done bartering where they agreed to let the guy, his lady, and his animal boy live here in exchange for his painting, etc.

I dig how they left us a note after they got done painting while we were out saying, thanks for your “coroperation.” Fucking idiots can’t even spell.

The blacks below us are also a noise problem, but they’re easier to deal with than next door. The fucking blacks live in their bedroom, constantly banging drawers and shit around, but the fan takes care of them a lot easier, but when I come out to do writing, for example, I have to go through the hassle of dragging my headphones out cuz of the blacks next door. I just don’t understand why everyone’s gotta force their ways on others. It’s not that I’m against blacks and Mexicans being so loud, it’s when they force it on others who don’t want to hear it that I have a problem.

Tom bought the six priority mail stamps needed for my manila envelopes, but who knows when we’ll actually mail them? I decided I’d let the black bitch’s shit go first before the Mexicans’, cuz I don’t want to confuse the postal people with 3 manila envelopes addressed to that same address.

Anyway, let me back up to Saturday. I still say Sekarina and Chyna aren’t gonna happen, but he disagrees. He called the HSN and they said both those item numbers were sold out, but he thinks that they got a new batch of these dolls and that they have different item numbers online. He had them change the address, and tonight he’s gonna try to see if he can order those two, but I’ve pretty much written them off as lost causes just like with Marisa. I still do intend to check back on Marisa later on, though, and on Glenora, too. It’s just that I can’t afford Sekarina, Chyna, and Glenora right now without going over my thousand-dollar limit. I’ll only get Glenora if I’m right about Chyna and Sekarina, but with my shit luck, she won’t be available, either. Between mid to late November, though, Pine Leaf, Sacajawea, and Colette should be here so that’s good.

After getting lost for what seemed like the millionth time, and stopping for Jack-n-the-Box we went out to the land. It doesn’t have the greatest mountain view since they are far away, but it’s still beautiful and I can’t wait till the day we finally get there no matter what God’s gonna do to us for it. I just want to get there and to hell with what he has planned for us! It’s absolutely gorgeous there and it was dead quiet. Of course, that’s to be changing as soon as we get there, but we won’t share the same walls with loud, rude, obnoxious, selfish little fucks, and they won’t be just 3’ away, either! The only thing I didn’t like was the garbage that ran through the wash over the years; mostly broken glass. Tom said it’s 30 years’ worth of stuff. I’d think so since it’s not like there are a lot of people out there. You can only see a few houses in back and they’re not near the wash. Anyway, we’ll clean it up as best we can.

We discussed where we want the house and took some pictures.

Tom spoke to Steven today, but couldn’t get in touch with Gravity.

We tested the road we’d normally take to go to Melanie’s and it’s about a 45-minute drive. Very scenic, but long. Nonetheless, we’ve agreed to stick with her at least for the rest of the year.

We stopped at Dairy Queen on the way back.

We were at a huge mall Saturday which was mobbed. It was either that or sit here and listen to the blacks bang around. They had a little cart in the center of the aisle with dolls. I’ve never seen them in an isle cart before. They were just so-so. At first I was like - oh, I have to have that Japanese (or Chinese) doll in the red satin dress - but when I got a closer look at her face - nope. I saw several different boring porcelain dolls in different places.

Just when I was about to give up hope of this mall having those Indian babies I wanted, I found them. And I’m so glad I got them where I did too, cuz no one else seems to have them with the pretty jewelry that mine have. Tom was right, though. They are everywhere.

I got $80 Asha, who’s about 10” sitting. She’s the crying one. After seeing a crying one today with its eyes open, I’m glad I got mine with its eyes closed. It looks more natural and just seems to go with the expression better. It’s cool to see the open mouth with the little tongue inside. Her hair’s in two braids. I took the maroon ribbons out that were on the ends, though, cuz I like the white rubber bands under it better. Both doll’s outfits are the same except for their colors (I don’t know if you’d call the material felt, velvet, or a type of suede). Also, Nyla, my other doll who’s about 20” long, has a silver/turquoise necklace and bracelets. Asha’s sleeper is white, and just like Nyla, only her hands and head are porcelain. The rest of her body is stuffed, but they’re stuffed a little differently. Asha’s is harder and feels more like a stuffed animal. Nyla’s is like a beanbag. She’s weighted to feel like a real baby too, and is almost as realistic as Bailey is in size/looks. Asha’s in a sitting position, although her legs do move and she can be laid down. Her arms move, too. She wears a necklace of red beads, with a few lighter colored ones, and an I-don’t-know-what-you’d-call-it around the head. It’s of the same material as the sleeper is, and it’s a strip of material that’s tied around the forehead with a knot in the back of the head. There’s an oval silver design made of aluminum in the front and it’s also on the chest of her sleeper, too. It’s the same case with Nyla, too. Hers, though, is deep red and so are her hair ribbons. It’s like a wine red, I guess, and boy is she adorable! Both dolls are very different than anything I’ve had yet. She too, came with her eyes closed, although hers are shut cuz she’s sleeping. I put Bailey in a sitting position with Nyla’s head on her lap and it looked so cute/realistic. I took a couple of pictures of it.

I’ve got Nyla, Asha, and Falling Star packed in the box that Nyla and Asha came in, which is a nice box with those little pieces of foam to keep them stable. Also, I named these two dolls myself.

Thank God I didn’t settle on that $200 redhead!

For variety, I put Bailey’s hair in two ponytails, and again, it looks very realistic.

At an outlet where things were dirt cheap, I got two outfits for just $4. They’re a combination of shirt/shorts.

Got a $17 fake plant with pink flowers. Some of the flowers hang down like a spider plant, so it’s really pretty. It’s got a boring white plastic hanger, though, so I’ll have to decorate it when we get to the house.

I checked pet stores for a new wheel for Ratsy, but couldn’t find one big enough. No one’s got mice and rats these days. That’s a bummer. How am I gonna get any more after we move? Ratsy’s still the only one that wheels, though. Porky jumps in the wheel sometimes, but only to keep Ratsy from pinning him when they play the game of pin the opponent.

Got a Lita Ford CD with that song I like that I heard only once on the 80s station back in Phoenix. I’m sure that once we get hooked up with a satellite again, though, they’ll play it all the time.

Yesterday I got a couple of puzzles to do on the dresser in the bedroom at Walgreen’s, and a magnet with a cactus on it.

We went to look in CompUSA, and then an excellent store called Borders. They have books, music, and videos. I got four books. A V.C. Andrews one, and a few ghost/murder mystery books. He got a book on making decks, garages, and things like that.

We also went to Denny’s again where I got my steak and eggs. This Denny’s had a very different layout from any other I’ve seen. A big old lady was sitting nearby. She got up, then walked past us just as the food was delivered and she said, “That steak’s bigger than you!”

Now that’s a compliment. Yeah, but I gotta watch all this eating I’ve been doing. Yes, I’ve done a great deal of walking, but you know how my body just doesn’t burn calories like it used to, and walking’s never helped my weight in the past.

We’ve picked up groceries along the way and went to Jiffy Lube for a tune-up, but you know what? It looks like God’s hit us with yet a new round of car problems. Can’t we ever have a fucking car that works?! God, we don’t need car trouble now! We don’t! We have enough to do! Have some compassion, will you? We’ve been punished enough. Tom says it’ll be no big deal, but yes it will be. We’re due for another round of car trouble, and God knows he has no place to work on the damn thing other than Mary’s driveway. Anyway, this latest shit has to do with the power steering fluid leaking, which is making this grinding sound.

Yesterday and today we looked at two trailer lots, but so far we didn’t find what we’re looking for. We’re looking to rent a little trailer that we can live in on the land till the house is ready. Like Tom told the cock in the office, though, we’re out of here by the 24th even if it means sleeping in the street. I just hope we can find something affordable before the house is built and ready.

We went to a different mall today and I ate Chinese while he ate pizza.

While I was there I got scented lotion, a free bar of soap to go with it, and some pretty, colorful, shiny hair clips. I’d really like to get these pretty, colorful rhinestones you put in your hair some time. The saleslady had them in her hair and they looked cool.

SATURDAY, OCTOBER 2, 1999 Yippee! The blacks downstairs just left. They were playing musical dresser drawers all fucking morning. They get up at the same time I do. Anyway, they were so noisy this morning that I wonder if they could’ve been packing and if they moved out today, but I don’t know. I get the impression people aren’t coming and going every day here and that the average stay is 1-3 months. Any minute now I’m gonna have the blacks next door and little whitey to deal with, but we’ve only got 22 days or less left here.

On my way out, I’m going to leave a little note on the counter here giving my little review of this place. I’ve enclosed a copy of it here.

Here we go. Next door just started up with their shit and hit the walls, cabinets and doors. I saw one of the black boys head downstairs. I guess there are two different white boys and two different black boys that live/play over there.

I think I forgot to mention this, but we can be connected to the black people next door. There are adjoining doors in our living room behind an end table just like in hotels, but I’d say this place feels much more like apartments than a hotel. And when they get to banging and slamming shit around next door, it totally reminds me of living next door to that butch at the Vista.

I’m surprised I don’t hear much more in the way of dogs around here.

One of the things I’m excited about is knowing that today, when he gets in, I’m ordering six dolls! If all goes well, I’ll have Sekarina, Chyna, Colette, Glenora, Sacajawea, and Pine Leaf on their way to me today.

To Management:

For whatever it’s worth, I did not find this place as quiet as I was told it’d be. Yes, there were some quiet periods, and fortunately, it was quiet at night. However, on and off throughout the day and evening, I could hear spurts of banging coming from the room below us. Also, the people next door in #4 were quite annoying at times between them and their company. I could hear them going in and out of their cabinets for hours, and they’d slam their doors a lot. Also, their kids would be right out front on the patio and stairs stomping around and screaming for hours. I highly suggest you lower your rates if it’s going to be this noisy and this easy to hear neighbors below/next to you.

FRIDAY, OCTOBER 1, 1999 And the weekend anxiety continues. Weekends will still be a bitch and filled with a ton of noise until we get to the house. And even then, who knows what gunfire we’ll hear from those weekend hunters? We talked about the possibility of renting a trailer and living on the land until we can get into the house. I like that idea very much.

I was just about to say that this has been the quietest day here so far, with just a few scattered bangs, but then the fucking sanding machine had to start up. They just gotta do something.

The reason I’m not looking forward to the weekend is cuz of the blacks next door and the white kid that practically lives there. At first I thought both families lived there, but Tom said the white boy and his parents live on the end. We’re the third one from the end and the blacks are the second. I’m sick of God sticking those blacks and kids on me! It’s like – enough is enough for fuck’s sake!! Well maybe, just maybe, this really is the last year I’ll have to listen to other people’s antics, but I don’t know. I’m just afraid that if it is, some new ongoing curse will begin in its place and I’ll have to deal with that throughout most of the next decade.

These fucking assholes really make living here during the late afternoon/evening hours hell. And the weekends, too. What I think is that the white kid’s mother works past when it gets out of school, but the black doesn’t, so the kid is at the blacks people’s place till its mother gets in around 6:30-7:00. This is why the fucking kid is screaming its head off with its many toys all over next door’s patio and not elsewhere and why I thought it lived next door (God just had to find a way to bring him closer to me). I thought it lived there too, cuz of all the time it spends over there. It might as well live there, cuz it’s only in its place to sleep. There are about 15 rooms per floor, with two sets of stairs at either end leading up here. One of the stairs just had to be right in front of our place, and stairs are a magnet for kids to play on. So, when it’s not on the patio next door, which is still too close for comfort, it’s playing and screaming on the stairs just outside here. And the thing of it is, is that I know these people will be here as long as we are, give or take a couple of days. I wouldn’t get all psyched up, though, if they left right now, cuz I know better. I’ve learned from experience that God would just replace them with the same old noisy shit.

Well, for whatever it’s worth, I do intend to set that guy straight that knowingly lied to me (not that I didn’t know he was lying) and let him know that it’s only quiet when the sanding machines are off and people aren’t going in and out of their cabinets over and over a zillion times and throwing shit up against the wall. The reason I’m not gonna say anything now is that I know it won’t do me any good. If that doesn’t make them all the noisier, it at least won’t make them any less noisy, either. They’ll just be like - how dare you complain on us even if you do have a point and we truly are quite noisy!

The only thing that’s different here as far as the construction of the building goes is that footsteps don’t vibrate the floors. If you’ve got someone that loves to stomp real hard like Andy, you’d hear his foot making contact with the floor, of course, but he couldn’t jolt someone awake that was next door by making them think an earthquake just broke out.

The only other thing you hear a lot more of here is sirens cuz there’s a police station nearby.

I can’t believe I haven’t found one spider in here. Just a couple of little tiny ant-like creatures.

I sent Marla my explanation of why I was walking away from Andy and can only guess as to if she’s pissed or understands or both, but it doesn’t matter either way. What’s done is done. On my third day here I sort of felt bad and a little bit guilty but I quickly got over it and other than that, I don’t feel guilty for what I did. I had to do what I had to do just like anyone else in this world and like I said, he’s not alone. He has others who are on his level. The poor guy probably thinks he’ll never see his phone message tape again, but he should have it by next week.

Mary’s dog Pepper bit Evelyn. As Tom says, Evelyn’s not a very nice person (she sits with his mom all day), but still, that’s all it took for me to hear and now I know I won’t ever go in that house again unless that dog is either outside or locked in some room.

Ma’s latest problem is that she’s got shingles. Tom said he had no idea what it was, so I went online to look it up. It’s fluid-filled blisters on the skin.

The dumb shit’s going to California with David and Evie, who Tom’s worried will screw up her medication. Actually, it’s Mary that’s the dumb shit. OK, so this may be her only chance to ever go there, but if she’s incompetent enough not to make the best decisions for her, then Mary should. She’s just gonna end up causing more problems for Tom and stealing more of his time so our lives get delayed some more. A part of me wonders if she likes being a burden to people and if she wants to be smothered by people doting on her. I don’t know. Either that or maybe she really is out of it that she doesn’t know what the fuck she’s doing. I’m just sick of her problems! It’s like - God? Yo, God? What are you waiting for? Take this woman and just let her be with Dad. She belongs with him. Let him spend the time and effort on her, OK? She’s done her time here and all she can do is be miserable and make others miserable, too.

Although I didn’t know approximately what month she’d die, I knew during Dad’s funeral that she would die when it was hot. Of course she will. So I can die of the heat during the services.

Later…

What a fucking liar! A total, total liar! I knew I did the right thing by cutting off Tammy. For many reasons. One of them is because she’s one of the biggest liars I ever knew and she simply cannot be trusted. Ever since she tried telling me Art’s voice went out, I knew deep down she was lying. Still, I was curious about proving her wrong and hearing for myself what a liar she is, so I called Florida, he answered, and he sounded perfect. Just like he’s always sounded. I knew that bitch was full of shit, saying anything to get me back in touch with them.

It took me a while to get through cuz the line was busy and I expect it will be a lot in the near future what with how I bluffed them. I did the same for Larry and Tammy, but they don’t know it yet. I bluffed them all by saying I sent duplicate copies of each letter to people they know, so naturally, they’re gonna be paranoid for a while and keep asking people if they’ve heard from me. They need what they’re getting from me. They not only deserve it, but maybe they’ll actually learn something from it!

We got our first sales call. At least there aren’t a dozen a day! I wouldn’t be surprised if we ended up back to the same old shit after moving.

They didn’t ask to paint our door today. The fucking painters that won’t be done for weeks are painting the turquoise doors purple. We told them Wednesday and Thursday weren’t convenient for us, and hopefully they’ll take the hint and just wait till we leave. I don’t need this place stunk up with paint at $850 a month. We’re already paying hundreds of dollars to hear next door bang and scream. We don’t need to pay for any more interruptions.

Later…

The white boy and the black boy are out playing on the stairs. They arrived at 4:22 on the dot. They were down on the grass playing ball, but whenever they do that, it’s never for long. They prefer to sit and scream on the stairs and the patio.

Nothing makes me sicker than seeing a child with a child, as I did at Denny’s yesterday. This child-mother couldn’t have been a day over 15. I don’t know which I felt sorry for most -the child, whose mother’s still too young to know how to take care of even herself let alone it, or the mother, whose life is over when it should’ve just been beginning.

Well, let me get into yesterday’s outing before I get backed up. I was hoping it’d be fun, but for the most part, it was a bore. We were out for nine hours, but we spent about five of it driving and getting slowed down in construction. This city’s so fucking full of construction everywhere and I won’t miss it!

After leaving just after 9:30 and getting lost, we arrived at Steven’s at close to 10:30 to finish up the options. The only bad news is that I can’t get that beautiful pink carpet I wanted. We can’t find a sample that matches what he’s got. I don’t want burnt mauve. I wanted the champagne pink. I’m still getting plush carpet, though, even if I’ll put rocking dents in it. I was right in figuring from the get-go that the carpet would be either pink or blue. Instead of going back to the bumpy spice carpet, which is sort of like a cranberry color, I chose Providence Blue. A vivid pretty blue that’s neither too light nor too dark. It’s a medium blue shade. Meanwhile, I’ll have more decorations with pink in them and it’ll look great.

His kittens made me sneeze while I was there, but they were fun to play with anyway. Minnie liked me and Mickey liked Tom. Steven doesn’t seem to like them, but Tommy does. He was so mean to Tommy at one point too, telling him to “just do what I said,” but Tommy seems like enough of a sucker to put up with it. He seems very submissive.

After an hour or a little more at Steven’s we intended to go out to the land, but it was just too far to Casa Grande where we had to go first. We didn’t realize it was so far and we were running out of time. Casa Grande’s a nice little town, though. We paid for the land in a place with gorgeous southwestern decorations where we had to sit on our asses some more. I love being with Tom, but I had to sit the whole fucking day away, between the car and the office. We had to wait quite a while in line at the bank, too.

When we got into Scottsdale, we went on a wild goose chase trying to find a Laundromat, which is scarce out here. First, though, we stopped in the store I got Anne, Edie, Rapunzel and Angel, and they only had 3-4 impressive dolls, but they were $400-$600 and not impressive enough to buy. Kachina dolls are a joke. Totally tacky.

Tom asked me if I had noticed the fem drooling over the Barbies when we were in there, but I didn’t. I just don’t get these feminine gays and masculine lesbians, and it looks like I never will. If you’re not attracted to anything feminine, then how can you drool over Barbies? And again, why do you have to look like a man in order to be attracted to women if you’re a woman? I just don’t get why liking women means you can’t look like one.

We went to a Laundromat that was practically right next door to the doll store, and amazingly enough, we were the only ones in there the whole time. I’m sure we won’t be that lucky next time. It had a ton of washers, but only four dryers. They were big, kick-ass dryers, though.

Our last stop was Denny’s where I got another steak and eggs dinner. It was good, but a little tough this time.

He changed the credit card address today, and tomorrow we’re ordering Chyna, Sekarina and Glenora! Yes, good news - I found Glenora online! Also, Tom had a brilliant idea last night. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this myself, but he suggested I look and see if the home shopping network has a web page, and they did. I was able to look up Sekarina and see that they have her! And Chyna, too.

Here’s my latest doll plan: I’ve decided to order Chyna, Sekarina and Glenora online. And Pine Leaf, Sacajawea, and Colette (another ballerina made by the same artist that made Patrice) from Ashton-Drake. That’ll leave $200 to get a couple of Indian babies like the ones I saw a few days ago. I’ll try again for Marisa with any birthday/Christmas money I may get, and go to JBS Dolls in March when we have more spending money. It’s just that I don’t want to go there and be overwhelmed with wanting more dolls and having more to pick from. Also, if I wait until then, they should be somewhat established.

[fastingf0r3v3r]

1st update (fuelled by my sleeping pill which should have kicked in about 20 minutes ago)

177 days to go, it’s just barely after midnight.

Day 180:

- Lunch: Some sushi from the place next to my work. I’m careful reducing down my daily intake and honestly didn’t plan to do much at all for dinner. I got a sugar free Monster Mango Loco too cuz I’ve been reading the the flavoured energy drinks are better at surprising appetite.

- Snack: I got some hunger pangs at home later so I tried bone broth for the first time. 38cals for 250 mls.

- Dinner: Issue is, my mother sprung a nice pasta recipe on me that she knows I can’t resist so I had to sit and eat that. She knows I had an 3d when I was a teen so saying no would have just made me look suspicious. Both my mum and sibling have 34ting issues too so I’m trying to feign being the good influence while by brain is going right back into my own 3d nonsense. Luckily dinner is fairly similar. Spaghetti pasta with some tomatoes that are cooked with herbs and garlic. Went easy on the spaghetti and the oil with which the tomatoes are cooked. My mum and sibling are too focused on theirown and each others 34ting issues to really focus too hard on me so if I’m clever they’ll never be aware.

Day 179:

Lunch: I had sushi again from next to work. I’m working my portion size down and picking things I know won’t hit hard with calories. Another no sugar Mango Loco.

Dinner: Easily managed to sway off dinner for the whole night until right in the evening where I caved in and made a little cup noodles which was 342cals.

Day: 178:

Lunch: I woke up sick. Mum brought me home and vitamin water (about 100cal) and a Powerade.

Dinner: Eventually I drunk 3 glasses of wine with mum. Some more of those 342cal cup noodles and that’s me all day.

Conclusion: I’m not feeling overly hungry which is nice. I even ate both of those noodles not even because I felt I was hungry, I just figured I should. Esp a good idea after that wine and the sleeping pill I’ve now taken which is making my brain go a bit wonky.

I’m not strictly counting calories yet. If I can continue being content with 1 meal a day then I’ll start my calories counting again more strictly. Also I can’t get to scales very easily so weighing in will come later. I’m definitely around the 100kg mark. I want to be down to 60 as a realistic goal. But 50 as a ugw.

Working forward I’ll be stopping eating anything carb heavy at night. Count calories. Sugar free everything.

That’s the goal.